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wizkiddx · 10 months

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bringing him home

complete fluff, sad lando, and not proofread so apologies x

Not to be dramatic but Lando was done. He’d had a crappy weekend of bad luck, damage, bad strategy and also (he would admit) a bad performance. It was the second last race before summer break, which couldn’t possibly come soon enough.

He felt guilty. Felt guilty he couldn’t of performed more for the team; guilty he let his frustatration show on radio; guilty he’d been in a crap mood and not let the team even try to pick; guilty that he couldn’t let himself sleep on the plane.

It was a form of self torture. But he couldn’t stop.

He had been short with everyone, but especially Jon- who he knew was only ever trying to look out for him. All he really wanted to do was to get home and crash in bed for some more self loathing.

Mumbling a few quick goodbyes to the part of the team on the same flight as him, Lando swiftly turned his back on his friends to make his usual route.

Landing at Heathrow meant he had his usual, lone wolf routine to get back home. A guy he had known for years - Waleed- would pick him up.

Back when Lando lived in Woking, Waleed had been hired by mclaren to drive him to all the events his calendar was packed with. They had a mutual respect for each other but Waleed was a man of few words. Which right now Lando felt like he needed, a familiar face asking how he was might be enough to send the young man over the edge.

Car park 2, floor 4, bay number 168.

That’s where he was off to.

Waleed always came to pick him up from Heathrow. When it was good, Lando would invite a few team members of the preorganised coach to join him. And when it was like it was today, Lando would have only his own company to deal with.

It wasn’t even home anymore, the young driver lived in Monaco and purely came back for mclaren and for social reasons. And right now he fancied neither.

But duty called.

Cautiously, not to bring about any attention, Lando peeled off from the large group of mclaren workers who were on their way to the coach stop. With his hood up, shoulders hunched and staring at the ground as much as possible he thankfully didn’t garner any attention. He knew this route like clockwork- down the elevators and across the walkway to the multi-storey; get the lift up four floors and walk left to the back corner.

Everything felt heavy as he dragged his notoriously over packed suitcase across the smooth tarmac. He just wanted bed.

But as he rounded the corner his mood only got stormier. Waleeds car was definetely not around. Instead parked in his space was a beat up black small car. Grumbling to no one in particular, Lando got out his phone to question Waleed - who was normally very prompt and reliable.

Before he could though, the slam of a car door shutting directed his attention back to the space he was wishing Waleed was in.

“Car park 2, go to level four , park in bay 168. You don’t make this easy do you?”

Yes it was sarcastic, but I’m the softest,caring and most gentle way. And Lando felt everything in his body and mind sag, with a familiar sigh.

“I got the afternoon off work, so I guess I turned up.” Lando still stood still, a confused look demonstrating to Y/n she needed to explain. “Max texted me and I think Jon told him you weren’t feeling great. Unfortunately, Max said you were now my problem so…”

Of course, Jon had told on him. And of course, especially after their little ‘manly’ heart to heart a week or so ago, Max had decieded Y/n was actually the greatest comfort to him.

“is…is it ok that I’m here? I didn’t want to presume but Max-“ she was inturrupted as Lando started taking great strides and threw his arms round her shoulders.

He didn’t verbally reply, instead nodding into her neck and then pulling her impossibly closer, which she assumed to be a sign he were getting a bit emotional. So she just stayed, hugging him tightly back in return.

Her insecurity was not without reason. Lando and y/n had known each other for years, but only got close and started dating 3 months ago. It had been an immediate perfect fit and felt like the most natural thing in the world.

But this was the first time she was being exposed to his incredibly vulnerable side, and Y/n did not take this lightly. Especially given the fact he hadn’t really had a choice.

After what was probably not more than 30 seconds, Lando muttered a ‘thankyou’ and pulled away so they were face to face. Only then did y/n really see just how exhausted he looked. The normally glowing, tanned skin was abnormally pale and almost clammy. Unsurprisingly his eyes were sunken in- but worse was sort of dullness of his usually brilliant green eyes. He was more than just tired, he was mentally checked out too.

“Get inside, left the heater on” she smiled warmly before pressing a quick peck to his lips. Following the instructions almost too well, Lando completely failed to remember his suitcase, which still stood aimlessly in the middle of the car park - from where he had first seen his girlfriend. With a sad sigh Y/n walked back to grab it - placing it in the boot before rounding the car to the drivers side.

“So, we can go wherever you like. Max said Bristol, said your mums keen to see you.” Lando looked motionless at that, so Y/n attempted another option. “ Or you’re welcome at mine, or we could just got the hotel mclaren booked for you?” Impossibly, Y/n saw his face fall further at the last option, which she quickly crossed off her mental list.

“‘m just really glad you’re here… wanna be with you.” He kind of looked embarrassed, fiddling with his fingers as he muttered those words - not appreciating the way Y/n started glowing with warmth to it.

“I’m by your side no matter what… you deciede where you want us to be for these few days.”

Admittedly Y/n hadn’t planned such a sad way for her to meet Landos family, but they were serious enough that it was only a matter of time, so why not in hsi hour of need? She also firmly believed being around more people who knew him and could comfort him through it all. And, by the way he talked about them, Y/n wasn’t particularly scared to meet them - they all sounded lovely. She just wanted them to like her.

“You’ll come to my parents?”

“If thats where you want to be then yes, of course I will. “ Lando nodded and tears started to water, just from how overwhelming the weekend had been compared to how impossibly calm he felt now just because Y/n was with him.

She’d been prepared for this eventuality after Max described just how bad a state Lando appeared to be in, a little overnight bag and Max’s ‘shortcut’ way to get to the Norris family house avoiding the rush hour traffic. When Y/n held Landos eye contact long enough for him to know she was sincere, Lando leaned over the centre console to hug her tightly once again.

“I’m really really glad its you here.” He wasn’t evn sure if she coulf hear it- but of course Y/n heard.

“I’m telling Waleed you said that”

Even when he felt thihs exhausted, self-defeated and shitty, Y/n could make him laugh. He pulled back and just watched as Y/n turned the key in car, then started fiddling with her phone.

“Right my playlist cos i’m driving and I want no complaints ok?” She shot him a fake serious scowl, before reversing out of the space.

Lando just watched, watched the way she darted her eyes to the rear view mirror every two seconds as thought she was taking her driving test again. And the way she bit the right side of her lip as she wound her way through the tighter exit ramps of the car park. And the way her fourth finger tapped to the beat of the Bruno Major song playing - such a small movement even Y/n probably hadn’t noticed she was doing it. Even to her crappy music.

He was only caught out in his staring later, when her little 11 year old vw polo merged onto the motorway towards his childhood home. Predictably she blushed, rolling her eyes at him, whilst remaining lazar-like focus on the road in front.

“Stop staring creep.” He didn’t to that statement, choosing to start his own conversation.

“I really love you, you know that?”

“Of course I do, and I love you more.” Uncharacteristically for her normal driving to the rule book, Y/n took one hand off the wheel and rested it on the centre console - holding out for her boyfriends back. “Now, try get some rest hey? I promisse to try and not crash the car while you sleep.”

“I’ve never felt less relaxed.”

But, of course, he was joking and after an 18 hour journey of the equivalent of tossing and turning in an airplane seat, it took all of 5 mins in the safe and warm atmosphere of his girlfriends car to nod off.

Because for the first time in a couple of weeks Lando was truly comfortable squeezed into the miniature car to the tune of an artist he normally hated.

#lando norris #lando norris x reader #lando norris x you #lando norris fluff #lando norris imagine #f1 fluff #f1 x you #f1 angst #max fewtrell #lando norris angst

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kneelingshadowsalome · 1 year

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Man-Sized 4/9 If You Have Ghosts

Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x F!OC

Tags: Explicit content, +18 audiences only. Smut, romantic angst, fluff. An unapologetic LOVE STORY. Sexual tension, mutual pining, banter, flirting, developing relationship, strangers to lovers. Simon Riley has a dark past (partly inspired by Modern Warfare 2: Ghost comics).

CW/TW: References to PTSD, depression, past torture and abuse in later chapters.

Summary: A uni student who pole dances at a strip club to pay her rent encounters a mysterious giant of a soldier seemingly incapable of falling in love.

She was just "S" on his phone.

It was a stupid thing to do, but she checked.

He had left his phone casually on the table, and it was such a sign of trust that she was shocked. Not that she could hack into it even if she wanted to – which she did not – but because she could see if someone sent him a text, or called…

At first, she hadn't meant to: what she meant was to dig up a particular photo and show it to him when he came back in from the smoke he was having. An old picture where she was a teen and looked like a little monster with a growth spurt and braces and a Nirvana shirt. But something in her brain told her to send it to his phone with the accompanying words That's a school girl for you and then go check the notification that appeared on the screen.

And she took advantage of that trust in the spur of the moment, like a jealous little idiot.

"What are you doing?"

And another thing that always escaped her was how Simon could be silent if he so wished. A guy of his size should've made more of a ruckus when he came in, but he seemed to defy the laws of physics as he stepped into her living room, quiet as a spectre.

"Um..."

The scene looked exactly as shameful as it was. She stepped back when he went to his phone, picked it up…

"Right… Busted." He was looking at the notification of her text like it was a message from some other girl he didn't want her to know about.

And she was the one who was busted here. The whole situation had left her red as a beet and humiliated to the very core. Everything was going so well, and she had to just shit all over it.

"You have trust issues?"

"I'm sorry. That was totally uncalled for. I…" She spread her hands and sighed. "I have no excuse."

"I asked if you have trust issues." He didn’t look or sound angry. Only methodical.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"Why were you looking at it?"

Ok, he wasn't about to leave her. Instead, he wanted to talk it out like adults. It made her a little too relaxed.

"To see what kind of lock screen picture you have?"

He stared at her with a look that said You didn't pass this test. But then, a warmth settled in his eyes, the kind of soft glint he had when he was amused with something — amused with her.

"I think I know why."

His patience was soothing. It wouldn't hurt to ask directly instead of tiptoeing around the subject and making a fool of herself.

"Yeah. I would just… very much like to know if you have this kind of thing going on with other people."

"No. Do you?"

"No."

Another small smile. The warmth in his eyes had turned into a solid glow. Perhaps it was a test, after all: Simon didn't casually do anything, least of all leave his phone unattended like this.

"Simon… Why do you want to be with me?"

"'Cause you're a Bond girl."

It made her laugh, but on the inside, she was shedding tears.

"I'm not a Bond girl, Simon. I'm a student with a lot of debt."

"I could help you with that, you know."

She was so taken aback by his suggestion that she couldn't speak for a moment. Simon wasn’t joking: he had tilted his head slightly and waited for her to accept his offer.

They hadn't even had The Talk yet, and he was ready to support her financially. It made her delighted and suspicious; was she stepping into an affectionate relationship or a transactional bond if she accepted? The last time he had offered her money ended in her slapping him.

"You want to be my sugar daddy now?"

"I'm serious. You could focus on your studies."

It appeared they were approaching the centre of his issues as well, and she sighed.

"Does it bother you that I work there?"

He didn't betray any emotion, as was probably to be expected from a man who worked in covert operations.

"Does it bother you that I shoot people?"

She, on the other hand, found herself blinking again from Simon’s flat way of describing the nature of his work. To be honest, she hadn't given it much thought. Deliberately, because she had wanted to enjoy him to the full and see where this one would go. It was no use getting upset about something that possibly wouldn't even be a part of her life.

But here he was again, in her living room, after a good round of morning sex, smelling of tobacco and about to finally take her out. She was missing classes because of him, had even lied to him that she didn't have any today — not knowing whether he could tell she was lying and keeping it to himself so he could take her out.

Her answer proved to be quite simple, even if a bit naive.

"No, if they're the bad guys."

His face lit up with a sly smirk, and his words were smooth, gilded gravel this time.

"They are. I'm practically saving the world."

She rolled her eyes at that. Overconfident, cheeky bastard… She would soon catch actual fucking feelings, catch more than just an infatuation for this man.

"I'm sure the whole world would descend into darkness without you," she said dryly, and he laughed, this time in a perfectly spontaneous way. The tight grip on her heart only tightened more.

"Simon, seriously speaking, does it bother you?"

His face slowly straightened again, but he wouldn't give her an answer. She would never have thought that it actually might upset him — after all, he was the one who had visited such a place. He had come there to see her grind night after night.

"I like dancing. It's a good workout."

"As long as the only thing you work out is that pole." It was uttered slightly under his breath, and she tried her everything to hide a confused little grin.

Was he…

Could it be that Simon "I kill people" Riley was not only jealous but possessive?

Of her?

Wow.

---

He didn't take her to a fancy restaurant but to a museum that had Albrecht Dürer's engravings and woodcut prints on display.

"You really did your homework," she commented on his choice. How the hell did he know that she was interested precisely in this kind of stuff? The rich symbolism of Renaissance humanism and the overly gothic Northern period?

"Again, not rocket science."

He had probably seen that the book he had glanced through wasn't a loan but her own. Noticed the hearty amount of notes she had scribbled on the pages... Of course. Not rocket science, but still pretty impressive, especially when the exhibition was on show only for a month. She was studying this stuff, and she hadn't even noticed.

He asked her to give him a tour and curate the display. She laughed and told him that was not exactly what curators did but proceeded to tell him as much about the works as she could.

"I have a soft spot for this one. She's like an angel fallen from heaven. Brooding, because the stairway to heaven is right there, but she can't ascend."

They had stopped to study the print Melencolia I, and she feared that she was boring Simon to death — along with feeling lame for trying to impress him with knowledge that was yesterday's news. But it turned out he had never even seen the engraving that was in her world, one of the most iconic pieces of art history. He even got curious about the heavy symbolism embedded in the work; he asked about the sleeping dog, the hourglass, and the wings on the melancholy figure.

"That's a woman?"

"Yeah. I mean… That's the usual interpretation."

The fact that he hadn't seen it from the start made her smile. Or perhaps it was the notion that Simon seemed genuinely interested in the display and her knowledge on this type of art.

"They used to think that depression was a pathological condition caused by black bile and blamed it on the planet Saturn.”

The smug look on his face told her that the conversation was about to get interesting.

"What causes being pissed off all the time?"

She would never have guessed that Simon had anger management issues. He was always so cool and controlled.

"Anger is associated with being choleric. Too much heat in the body."

"I'm too hot?"

Way too hot.

"According to the Renaissance people, yeah."

He turned to look at her, and she could feel the tingles in the air between them.

"And which planet is to blame for being too beautiful?"

"That would…. probably be considered a gift from Venus, the Roman goddess of- "

He pulled her into a kiss, and she was soaring to the sun again. How a man surrounded by such heavy darkness, who concealed his face with human bones, could hold an entire sun within him was a mystery, even more compelling than the enigmas of the Renaissance. She imagined the man with all that death draped over him and concluded that Simon was the most enthralling piece of art she had ever seen.

He broke the kiss but didn’t let her go, and she finally felt like he was someone she could trust, a man she could feel safe with. It wasn’t even lunchtime yet, but she was full, perfectly satisfied under the austere lights of the museum, amidst the whispering tourists who had no idea there was blood and sun and love in the middle of the room. His eyes weren't those of a soldier, not even those of a hungry man in a strip club. Simon was something completely different from what she had originally thought.

"Why do you wear that skull?"

His gaze flickered from her eyes to her lips, a tiny betrayal of her having succeeded in surprising him again.

"Because I used to fear it."

That was solid reasoning, in her opinion. She could respect him for it. She liked the symbolism, the poetic, tragic beauty of it. The whole man was alluring… a tall, dark stranger although he was pale and blonde. His darkness was on the inside, but even that was savagely beautiful.

They went to the museum cafe after, and she ordered sparkling wine because, in her opinion, high culture demanded sparkles. This whole occasion demanded a toast — but then she noticed that Simon ordered tea. Not a glass of wine, or a beer, not even a coffee, but tea.

She had seen him drink at the club, just one scotch, but still. It wasn't a big deal; they didn’t need to celebrate what finally seemed to be a blooming relationship. But what was a big deal was that Simon seemed to disapprove of her having a glass of bubbly in the middle of the day.

"You drink often?"

"Um... no?”

She was feeling giddy, and not just because of the drink she was having. Simon’s question came out of nowhere, and the restless look on his face told her he was sincere. And then, another question followed.

"Have you done drugs?"

The situation had turned from fun to absurd so quickly that she bit her lip to hold back from smiling like a person who had something to hide. She hadn’t expected a man like Simon to give her a lecture about the dangers of recreational drugs.

"No." Technically, she had tried marijuana a couple of times at a party, but that couldn't be described as doing it.

"Good."

"Have you?"

"Never."

He was pleased enough with her answers, and the conversation seemed to have come to an end. She wanted to ask him more about this strict code he appeared to have, but before she could do it, Simon looked out the window and enlightened her.

"Father drank a lot."

It was a piece of information that equaled him giving her his gun. Giving her ammunition to shoot him with if and when the time would come. It also explained a lot.

"That sounds… awful."

"It was."

Simon had joined the army at a young age, and she had thought it meant he really wanted a career in the military, that there was a calling. But it appeared it might have something to do with wanting to get away from home as soon as possible.

"Is he still…?"

"He's dead."

---

She woke up in the middle of the night with the extremely uncomfortable feeling of not getting enough air.

When she came to, the first thing she felt was a forearm of steel pressed on her throat. In fact, there was a massive weight crushing her all around, but the most harrowing thing was the gaze she was met with, his eyes staring at her in a blank, cold, calculated rage.

"Simon..."

Those eyes were like lead, almost inhuman, and she tried to utter his name while her thorax and throat were being compressed with a gradually increasing weight.

"Simon."

He finally woke up from whatever flashback this was a reaction to and seemed to start breathing again at the exact moment the mist of icy wrath drew back from over his eyes.

"Fuck… " He took his arm from her throat, and she gasped for air and stayed still, fearing that the killer would come back any second.

"Shit. Sorry." Simon's eyes were wide and scanning her wildly, inspecting if he had done permanent damage. He slowly rose off of her and scrambled backward as far as he could go without falling from the bed.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, clearly more than a bit shocked.

It shocked her even more than the actual choking episode — to see Simon so visibly afraid.

"It’s okay," she said, wondering how many times she had told him everything was okay when it wasn’t. "I'm okay."

She rose to sit and reached out to touch him, but he flinched. Seeing a man of his quality recoil from her touch wasn’t just baffling. It was chilling.

"Not… right now," he said as he raised a hand to shield himself from her. The fresh frost in her chest only spread.

"Does this kind of thing happen often?"

What she had meant to ask was whether he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. Although it was pretty clear that he did.

"Don't know. I usually sleep alone."

He swallowed, and she could hear the gulp. Simon was still breathing heavy, and she was rattled too, but the worst thing was yet to come as he got off the bed.

"I'll sleep on the couch," he said without taking even a pillow with him.

"Don't be ridiculous," she grabbed his arm when he was already headed to the door.

"There's nothing ridiculous about this," he said, looking more distraught by the second. And perhaps it had started to dawn on her, too. What if it happened again? What if he used even more power and actually killed her through sleep? If he had really meant to, he could've easily crushed her windpipe just a while ago. Still, seeing him so evidently shaken hurt her even more.

"You can't sleep on the couch every time you come here."

Technically, he could, but she didn't want him to. She tried to find humour in the situation, to crack some kind of a joke, but everything she came up with sounded bad and morbid. Perhaps he needed some space right now. She would just have to deal with it.

"You want to be alone?"

He stared at the floor and gave her a sullen half-shrug. He wouldn't move, and she felt bold enough to view it as a wordless beg for intimacy. She rose from the bed and walked to him, then wrapped her arms around him in an awkward hug when he continued to stand there completely frozen.

The ice melted eventually as he returned the hug. A deep sigh echoed in her bedroom, but her shock had started to shift and turn into something else. Simon wasn't a perfect man anymore, not in a way that made her a helpless woman. He was perfect now with flaws and stretched the space within her heart more and more by revealing he was a human after all.

"What would James Bond do?" She whispered while pressing her cheek against the warm, broad chest that had only now started to represent safety in her world. Even after what had just happened. Something in him finally latched tightly in place, like a puzzle piece that had collided against her the wrong way but now finally found the perfect angle and fit.

He huffed. It was only a little chuckle, but it was a start.

"I bet he wouldn't sleep on the couch," she continued, and he gave her a solid squeeze this time.

"I’m not James Bond," he muttered, and it felt like another magazine to the gun she had lately been provided with.

"That's okay. I don’t even like him."

#ghost x oc #simon riley x oc #ghost fanfiction #simon riley fanfic #mw2 fanfic #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x female oc #ghost x female oc

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dichromaticdyke · 8 months

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when i first watched season 4, i didn't love it because it felt so all over the place, both tonally and storywise. i mean, season 4 felt like it was meant to be very lore-heavy, but the only episodes that actually felt important to the story of that season were "prankklok," "writersklok," "dethcamp," "going downklok," "dethdinner," "breakupklok," and "the church of the black klok." that's 7 story-based episodes in a 12-episode season, but they're placed so sporadically, it's very jarring.

all that being said, with the hindsight of both the doomstar requiem and army of the doomstar, i understand better how the five "filler episodes" of season 4 fit within everyone's character arcs.

"fanklok" - nathan is still so disconnected from the reality of how dating works and what romantic relationships shouldn't look like that he dates a fan (and he's not even initially concerned when he finds out she's allegedly killed a bunch of people, he's more concerned that she's cheating on him). and because this relationship ends so terribly, he doesn't have the opportunity to process it or take away any meaningful lessons on how to have an adult relationship.

"diversityklok" - despite being with dethklok for years now, toki is still isolated from them. even his best attempts to grow close with them fall short. also, dethklok is powerful enough to survive bad faith racism allegations, i guess.

"motherklok" - pickles realizes that his bio family are all garbage people and it doesn't matter that they're his family—they're not good for him, and he has every right to cut them out of his life and instead focus on the family that actually cares about and appreciates him.

"bookklok" - toki stands up to skwisgaar for once in his life, and skwisgaar finally has a reckoning with the fact that his methods of...i think he was trying to encourage toki to improve...weren't helping and he has to change his approach if he still wants to have toki in his life. and he does (we never see skwisgaar aggrandize toki's playing again, though he still does have a teeny bit of that tough love stuff going on).

"dethvanity" - william feels insecure with his place in the band, driving him to extreme measures in an attempt to prove that he's not ugly—which, in this episode, is presented as him trying to prove that he's not a monster.

and then looking at the character arcs of the doomstar requiem and army of the doomstar in tandem, what do we have?

nathan learning that he doesn't have to force relationships to go a certain way and he doesn't have to shut down when they don't go the way he wants; adult relationships are about mutual respect, not obsession.

toki being recognized as a brother in the band, arguably the glue that holds them all together; he is the sunshine rainbows marshmallow man, and the band all need a force like that in their lives to keep them from going off the deep end.

pickles helping to be the maternal figure in the band, the one to be there for everyone; having a family means supporting them when you can and helping them to be the best parts of themselves, and a true family will work past the rocky parts instead of turning cold.

skwisgaar...is also there. i'm kidding, his is just more subtle; learning to admit when he's wrong or when to drop the whole guitar god diva thing, even just briefly, to let others in and recognize their importance.

william learning that his place in the band is more valuable than he could ever recognize; any ugliness or dissent isn't a reflection of who he truly is, it doesn't make him a monster, because he's more than just what the surface shows.

i'm sorry, but it's actually crazy how well this worked out with season 4 having one episode dedicated to subtle character development or character arc progression for each of the dethklok members. i still think the overall pacing of the season is wack, but looking at it like this does help.

but seriously though, how the hell did dethklok manage to not get canceled after "diversityklok" charles what kind of NDAs did you force everyone at that event to sign

#dichromaticdyke.exe #Metalocalypse #Nathan Explosion #Toki Wartooth #Pickles the Drummer #Skwisgaar Skwigelf #William Murderface #written in a fit of divine madness #Army of the Doomstar

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purpleskybts199603 · 1 year

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Here is my first attempt to write a story. Please feel free to give feedback and I really hope you enjoy reading this. 💜💜💜

Summary:Y\N it's a captivating and compassionate soul who it's very dedicated to her job. She is an event planner and a pretty famous one in Seoul because of the amount of the celebrity parties that she planned. Her romantic life was a bit tormented as she just broke up with her fiance Min Yoon-Gi . Despide his passion for her, Y\N felt like Min-Yoon-Gi was selfish and cold. Even though she tried really hard to help him heal his traumatic past with a lot of love ,empathy and hope ,he still was the same heartless person and his scars were still standing between them.

Pairing: Yoongi/female reader

Warnings: some mentions of trauma

Part 1

Part 2: https://www.tumblr.com/purpleskybts199603/718299400628289536/scars-part-two-i-was-often-in-charge-of-planning

Part 3: https://www.tumblr.com/purpleskybts199603/719661762748841984/scars-part-3-i-immediately-turned-around-and

Part4: https://www.tumblr.com/purpleskybts199603/719662133096464385/scars-part-4-now-i-know-for-sure-that-hes

"The only requirement is the ability to remember every scar."

Stephen King

They say that one of the symptoms of psychological and emotional trauma is the act of denial. Maybe I was in total denial but in the last three months since I broke up with my fiancé I was doing all that was in my power to suppress my bad memories of the last three years of being in a relationship. The most challenging experience of my life was to be in love with a man who had a history of trauma. For some people life's unfair and for Min Yoon-Gi life was indeed cruel. He has all the reasons to be the bitter person he is today. But if we're talking about life I think that it isn't meant to be fair. At least not to good people. For instance how do kids that suffer from cancer find a way to stay positive and happy. What did they do wrong to deserve such a cruel fate?

But what really bothers me is when someone it's giving up themselves for others well-being, when you give all your pure love to that someone and it's still not enough. Dating Yoon-Gi was never easy. I knew from the start that he was a troubled soul with bad memories. We met through mutual friends. Working as an event planner I have a rather large social networking that includes even big artists in the music or movie industry.

All my friends and acquaintances told me to stay away from Yoon-Gi. Sure he was extremely handsome but extremely dangerous. And indeed he was. I always had a strange way to attract troublemakers. Being accustomed to work with difficult people I learnt to handle people with sarcasm and humor swings. I guess in the back of my mind I hoped that I would help him to change, help him to be able to have feelings again.

Instead of making him feel, he broke me step by step. His scars became mine. He didn't care about me but he didn't care about himself either. Our relationship was tormented indeed. It was that classic romantic clichè of a bad boy good girl relationship. Some people would say that I was the only one who he cared about as he proposed to me after two years of dating. Honestly in my mind I was associating our relationship with some form of symbiotic relationship where one takes the benefits and the other is harmed. Yoon-Gi really loved to make me miserable and that's the only thing he loved about our relationship.

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4awny · 2 years

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do you have any crenny head canons? Or any of the characters

crenny headcanons you ask? i gotchu

here's 4 i plucked from my garden this morning:

Whose more emotional?

kenny. guy wears his heart on his sleeve. got a heart of pure gold. bless

craig kinda surpresses his feelings

like oh, something bad just happened to me? oh. okay. idk how to handle this unexplained emotion

kenny gotta help him sometimes. like telling him it's ok to be sad

it's not that craig refuses to show emotion

he just doesn't really know how to process things

it takes a while for his emotions to catch up

like lag on the brain

a hint at how craig's parents could have done better?

Who generally sleeps better?

ahhh you may think it's ye old InsomniaCraig! headcanon. not today my friend

craig is like a log when he sleeps. blacked out. gone. totally out of it. ain't nuthin waking that mf up til he's had his 8 and a half hours of beauty sleep

kenny is a light sleeper. guy had a bad upbringing, what do you expect? poor baby will wake up and stay up all night

and then walk around with red eyes for the next two days

also craig takes an hour to get out of bed

man loves his sleep

we must agree that kenny sleeps better with craig next to him

Any bad habits?

kinda subjective this one so i'll keep it as mutual as possible

as young teens, kenny would often steal cigarettes from his parents and share them with his friends

started to sell them at school

but then some kid ratted him out so he got suspended from school for a few days. pretty sure it was cartman

as he got older, his brother would buy them for him instead

at this point kenny got addicted

craig just kinda socially smoked for fun but then kenny kept offering him some

it's not like he was ever going to say no was he

prolly smoked weed together a bunch of times too

through their 20s, kenny realises he has an addictive personality. binge drinks with his friends on weekends

heavy drugs involved, but nothing too mental. he just kind of parties too hard

wrong crowd i guess

craig grows out of all of that when he's in his late twenties. just wants to settle down and live the quiet life

ok this has gone on for way too long NEXT

Who admitted their feelings first?

bit of an obvious one but yeah. kenny

i mean technically craig did when he 👀 him from across the table that one time and it threw kenny off because he knew what 👀 meant

but yeah kenny was the first to openly admit it

they never really started dating either

they just spent more and more time together

everyone knew but it was never really official

until eventually, they became roommates

yeah. roommates.

they separate at some point in their twenties, had different paths

kenny wants to sort himself out and actually make something of his life

changes it all around

craig continues to work a job he totally hates and then one day he quits

for no reason too

my guy is missing kenny

he's like 35 at this point and missing him. never fully moved on

some cute ass plotline reunites them and they live happily ever after the end

#thanks for the ask!#went all out on the detail with this one #is this meaty enough for ya #south park #crenny #kenny mccormick #craig tucker #craig x kenny #sp crenny

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fluffypotatey · 2 years

Text

watching Leverage: ep 4

GOOD MORNING!

i actually meant to watch this episode last night but my sleepy brain said otherwise lol

Pre-game Thoughts:

also thank you everyone in the Leverage fandom who has given me such a warm welcome! y'all are so sweet and i feel like i'm being mothered by older cousins lol. i didn't expect this to gain a lot of ppl's attention, just a couple mutuals but hello!!! welcome to the show that y'all are vicariously watching through me or rewatching!

ok so turns out last episode we delved more into character backstory AND the overarching plot

Eliot was a farm-boy before getting becoming a bruiser, and i don't know why that is so funny to me (yes i do). my only question is when did he decide to go into that kind of business. was he an underground boxer or something? did he move to the city to "make a name for himself" but instead got into the mafia or something?

out of all the characters, this man is the one i want to know more about just because he never explains himself. oh, he recognized the fighting style of that mercenary? how sir??? oh you've been in this business for some time? how long sir????

this big insurance company is definitely the big bad. if they are the ones that our crew faces in the season's finale, i wouldn't be shocked. i would a little disappointed because these guys seem more like a s3 type of big bad that you build and build for some more seasons.

the actor who plays sterling is so familiar to me. i feel like i've seen him but he looked older than now. was he in spn? i think he was. i don't watch spn, but i've seen enough gifs to know the cast.

i've talked long enough, on with the show!

spoilers incoming lol

fluffy's reactions!

i haven't even clicked play yet WHY IS ALEC WEARING YELLOW??? LMAO HE LOOKS LIKE THE BANANA HAT GUY FROM CURIOUS GEORGE

THE CLERGY???? oh wait no this is about city council corruption. a little disappointed, but this concept is still interesting

the children trying so hard to compliment sophie about her play. i think parker was genuine tho and she deserves a gold star

nathan trying his best to compliment the play lol "a beautiful rendition!" he keeps it vague enough to ensure there's nothing bad well done

OH??? THE EX WIFE IS COMING IN??? DON'T WORRY SOPHIE EVERYTHING WILL BE OK

"what are you doing?" asks the priest suspiciously. "just....uh, moving God's plan along...faster." nice save there nathan

awwww he didn't need to ask them this time to help out

when i say sophie and nathan are in love, i mean it because do you see how soft they are for each other????

alec already with the presentation board about which corporation they're hitting next before nathan needs to ask him my heart! he's already narrowed it down and even knew just what to say, my little prepared computer nerd

ok i know alec's the guy who has more of the comedic lines but don't think i haven't been noticing that his aversions to certain places or people are little holes into his backstory (or maybe not and i'm looking into this too hard but who would i be if i didn't)

"i don't do gangs" that is a short little line but has a a lot of untapped backstory in it i can FEEL IT

very sweet of eliot to just figuratively drag alec with him to get info on the gang who beat up the priest

his son was baptised there T^T ok ok we hitting at nathan's backstory today got it

sophie picking up nathan's distress immediately NOBODY TOUCH ME

well whata you know, i guess it can be that easy to find the gang you're looking for

"how's this for answer" *shows gun* i'm so sorry i chuckled. that's so corny i'm sorry. i would get shot by that man if he did that because i would not stop laughing

YEAH THAT'S MY BOY ALEC SHOVE THAT BITCH

i forgot about the dislocated shoulder lmao

"do you mind?" OOP LITTLE DUDE'S IN DEEP SHIT WITH HIS GANG so the corp enlisted just a lackey from the gang and not the whole....interesting (also their mistake it seems)

ah this grant dude has a stick up his ass

ALEC'S FACE AT PARKER DEAD

ooooooh his publicist?

Tomas talking about his old neighborhood and then grant slamming on it NOOOOOO you hurt my boy

omfg he got yelled at by a nun they're ruthless i tell you

alec my boy "you're catholic and you want to fake a miracle?" i'm DEAD i'll have you know that good intentions are very important

eliot immediately on board with shooting the statue with a paintball gun after saying he thought the idea of the statue bleeding was dumb

AH sophie and nathan heart to heart T^T "you were the good guy...that's what made it fun" "i was...tempted" SEE THIS IS WHAT I MEANT BY DON'T TELL ME BUT ALSO TELL ME

she gonna wait for him T^T "but not for too long" LIES SOPHIE

OOOOOOH TOURIST TRAP

GRANT IS DOING WHAT I THINK HE'S DOING

NO I WAS JOKING ABOUT THE TOURIST TRAP

TOMAS'S FACE

THE VATICAN?????

i love fr. paul. he's so mad lmao

wow we really getting into it

tomas i love you, i'm so glad

FUCKING SHIT I WAS FOLLOWING THE CONGREGATION

"a reading of the Gospel according to Luke" me: "glory to you oh lord---SHIT"

see, this is why i keep my thoughts to myself with a priest because they will use in in their homilies.

WHAT A TWIST

TOMAS MY BOY

ok but saint nick is santa claus tho

he is also the patron saint of prostitutes

general thoughts:

i really thought this episode would center on the clergy and all of that, but that's a too big topic to even cover for one episode. not to mention that that issue covers more than the US and i don't think the leverage crew will go international with their heisting yet.

and this did a great job covering how a lot of poorer communities get screwed over by bigger corporations seeking to expand their commercial empire. ALSO how most of their issues comes with underfunded infrastructure that local governments ignore, giving those corporations such a "great" reason to state their case on why those buildings/neighborhoods should be torn down.

AND it even touched on how quickly things that should be considered marvels are so easily commercialized in this day and age. grant was so ready to turn that church into the next disneyland which 1) is sacrilegious and 2) is such a shallow view on miracles. but hey, that's what US brands have done with Christmas soooooooo it wouldn't be surprising to see someone try to do that with a crying statue.

we even get the discussion of intention vs action because THAT is a hot topic in the Catholic community. do the ends justify the means? do the means justify the ends? and while they kind of leave that question in the air for the audience to decide for themselves, it kind of ends with the episode leaning more on the intention's side. Father Paul broke his vow and revealed what he knew when Nathan confessed because he felt that it was the right thing to do (intention: do right by his church and conscience; action: break the vow of silence a priest makes for confessionals). Our band of thieves framed Grant in order to keep the church's integrity and save the neighborhood. Both acts are considered bad, but both were done with the intention to do good.

so yeah, it was a fun episode, my ot3 trio are going strong. and i can't wait for more!

#leverage #fluffy reacts #long post #i did get teary eyed when nathan lit a candle in memory of his son

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circa-specturgia · 1 year

Text

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Since @tryingtimi @bloodlessheirbyjacques @the-void-writes @baroquesse, @awritingcaitlin and @agrimedena-drax all asked me (some twice, if you need any idea at how bad I am at answering asks), I’ve finally gotten around to writing it down…

I'll answer it for my main WIPs, Circa Specturgia's main character, Caspian. Answers being from him in the state he's in around the midpoint, or towards the end of the second arc of the story, if I were to guess!

Cas is sitting in front of a fire, a ways away from the camp where everyone else is staying, far enough away to be out of earshot when you sit beside him. He doesn't pay you much mind, though he doesn't brush you off, instead stoking the fire, which illuminates the bags under his eyes.

1. Are you named after anyone?

I am. We were able to know for sure that the A .in my name meant Alekos once we'd met V, though after meeting Mask the first time, we already suspected that it meant something to me. Though, I don't know if I can count it as being named after someone if I'm to be that persons incarnation...

Aside from that, Blackwood... It's where I'm supposedly from, but I'd like to think that I've made that my name.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I’d rather not say. Or think about it.

3. Do you have kids?

Uh, no. Maybe I'd like to, in the future, though. If I can even really think about that right now. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if Mask can even... hmm. Maybe I should ask.

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Never. Not once in my life have I ever used sarcasm for any reason.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Would you punch me if I said their ass?

He chuckles a bit once you do, before he straightens up, stoking the fire again.

Their eyes. You can usually tell a lot from the eyes.

6. What's your eye color?

Black. Or really dark grey? Like graphite, or obsidian. They apparently turn gold sometimes though. Whenever I do anything Antecendant. I’ve never looked in a mirror when it happens.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. I'd like to hope for happy endings.

8. Any special talents?

I don't know if I can count my arsosteia as a talent? It's just something I can do, thought V said I have a knack for it. Kane would also– ...sorry.

He goes silent for a moment, having remembered something he'd rather have not, the fire dimming before he realizes it, and reignites the embers.

Uh, I guess Adira said once that I picked up fighting instincts quick.

9. Where were you born?

I… don’t really know. The Blackwood, I mentioned it earlier, was where I was apparently created, but I don’t know the details. If V knows, he didn't tell me. Cyril put down Layr Laiarta when sorting out my documents, so I guess that makes me a Vosiinæan on paper. I think that works for me. Maybe I'll settle down there. If I earn that happy ending.

10. What are your hobbies?

I liked reading, when I had time. The Royal University Library had a ton of books, and even if the ones on Matrixes gave me a headache I'd still take those over what we have to deal with these days.

Sparring is nice too. Both with or without specturgy. It lets everything sort of melt away, too.

11. Do you have any pets?

Do the runalongs count? I didn’t even know I could do it until recently but Mask taught me to summon them to me and they have my fire, so I guess that makes them my pets?

That said, Mask is enough of a creature themselves that I could call them my Pet…

12. What sports do you play/ have played?

Does sparring count? Adira and Cyril have us practicing nearly constantly. I don’t mind it, though. Like I said, helps me clear my head.

13. How tall are you?

6'5" or so? Cyril says I've gotten taller over the last year.

14. Favorite subject in school?

Gods, that feels forever ago... I think it would've been the the practice matches against Cyril. Or the control exercises, they were tough, but, finishing them felt good.

15. Dream Job?

He doesn't speak for a moment, looking into the fire.

I haven't let myself think that far ahead, yet.

I return the ask to @tryingtimi @bloodlessheirbyjacques @the-void-writes @baroquesse, @awritingcaitlin and @agrimedena-drax, and add on @magefaery @cherrybombfangirlwrites @verba-writing @ss-hawthorne @kainablue @wildswrites @jessica-writes22 @breath-of-eternity and @manuscriptsatmidnight!

Have fun!

#what he said about Cyril and Adira having him practice is a lie btw #he’ll just never admit it #he throws himself into practice and will work himself to the bone to distract himself from things #or to feel productive with work #to try and get better to protect those he loves #if anything his parents are more often than not trying to find ways to get him to stop running himself ragged #though they do encourage practice and varied exercises #writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writeblr community #fantasy writing #wip.circa specturgia #circa specturgia

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valentinabloom · 2 years

Text

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝙾𝚗𝚎 - 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝙶𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚖𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚖

"𝙰𝚠𝚠 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚛-𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚗 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎𝚜, 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚜𝚙𝚊𝚠𝚗𝚜 𝚜𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞? 𝙿𝚘𝚘𝚛 𝙲𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎. 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝙶𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚖𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚖."

Author's note: Please read at your own risk , there might be a little cussing but nothing too much triggering. Chapters are gonna be written in 3rd person's point of view.

Trigger Warning: Slight to extreme cussing, creeps, possible obscene descriptions.

-------------------------------------------------------

Chapter One - Welcome to Gloomhelm

It was a compulsive decision, a thing that has started off as a crazy idea in Kaye's head and before she knew it? She already had mustered up the strength to stand up and pack their bags.

Now here they were driving towards the town Rome promised never to come back to, well moving out at 4 AM in the morning was not a mutual decision and Gloomhelm wasn't even in the conversation but here they were.

"There's a nearby gas station and convenience store, buy something for Ophelia and yourself." Rome blurted out coldly as his hands tightly gripped the steering wheel.

"Do you want anything? maybe a cup of coffee or a bottle of water?" Kaye replies as she looked at Rome, she wasn't dumb Kaye knew too well that He wasn't comfortable with this but their environment in the city was driving her crazy, His parents were a bunch of control freaks.

"Kaye that's not how you wash the baby's clothes."

"Kaye you're in America, stop believing those traditional things."

"Do this Kaye, do that Kaye."

"Stop washing the dishes with your hands Kaye, we have a dishwasher."

"Just a cup of coffee and ibuprofen, this trip is giving me a headache." A headache? was he implying that he'd rather stay in the city with his controlling parents?

That was the last strand.

"Oh really now this trip is giving you a headache? guess what Rome your parents don't only give me a headache every single fucking day. They give me unsolicited parental advice like I am an unfit Mother." Kaye snaps as the car finally came to a halt, removing her seatbelt she went straight out and grabbed Ophelia from the back seat.

Walking toward the convenience store, Kaye held on to her sleeping daughter not caring if Rome followed or not.

Entering the convenience store Kaye made sure to get everything she needed, skimming from one aisle to another.

Before heading straight for the cashier to pay for everything "Do you have ibuprofen? I couldn't seem to find any type of medicine by the aisles."

"You're new here aren't ya?" the cashier asks laughing as He grabbed the keys from a drawer, making Kaye nod slightly "We don't put medicine on the aisles hun junkies tend to steal them. I'm guessing you're from the City?"

"Yea Downtown Los Angeles," Kaye explains as she was starting to cradle Ophelia in her arms who was now waking up really fuzzy "And there's a lot of Junkies there too but I never saw convenience stores locking up even the allergy meds."

"Cities are different Hun you're in a very risky place" He states before giving her the Ibuprofen and looking at her straight in the eyes as if He was warning her what could possibly happen.

Nodding all she could do was hold her baby tighter and walk out with the plastic bag and hot coffee in her shaking hand, not caring about the change anymore Kaye walked towards the door.

Her eyes scanned around to find the spot where Rome had parked to wait for them, but instead, Kaye noticed the blood-red pickup truck arriving blasting some shitty music.

"Watch out, take good care of your family." the cashier added, making her stop dead in her tracks and look back at the guy, but decided to stay quiet and walk faster.

Kaye was sure of what He meant, but she shrugged it off.

But as soon as she got out? The pickup truck has already arrived infront of the convenience store and parked right there, a few young men still in the truck and just looking at her.

If she wasn't mistaken? There were six men in total and there were four dogs at the back of the truck, dogs that kept barking and snarling at them.

Mouths foaming as they kept making a fuss, it was a very uncomfortable sight but kaye needed to keep a straight face for her daughter.

"Aww look at you and your horror-striken faces, did my little hellspawns scare you? Poor city people. Welcome to Gloomhelm. " the driver blurted out laughing as He lit his cigarette and kept looking at Kaye like a piece of meat.

does she really look scared for the driver to mock her like that? Kaye was starting to lose her patience again and it wasn't good.

"Fuck off, keep staring at me like that and I'll gauge your eyes out myself." Mostly she'd easily brush them off, but in front of her child? It's something she won't tolerate.

"What did you just say bitch?" She definately struck a nerve, it was too obvious as the man turned red and got out of the truck with his dog following behind.

"You heard me loud and clear, fuck off and stare at something else." Kaye was never the one to cause any altercation, she was always composed.

But maybe not this time.

Everything escalated quickly, as the others noticeably let down the other three dogs just to intimidate her.

But a nudge inbetween her leg and a familiar low growl made her feel confident, it was Vinnie her K-9.

"You got a problem with my wife?" Rome's cold yet intimidating voice stated as He went on his wife's side.

A glint of fright was to be seen on the man's eyes, holding back the four dogs on his own He gulped and shook his head "Roman? I never knew you'd come back."

"Well I'm fucking here am I? That's why I clearly saw how you motherfucking stared at my wife while intimidating her." Rome's words were like sharp daggers, stabbing into the man.

"I wasn't aware that she is your wife Roman, I swear." The man explained as he was signalking the others to come and grab the dogs to put them back at the back of the truck.

As the heated conversation was happening, a young man quietly watched from inside the pickup truck a cigarette in hand.

He didn't know the guy, but He sure did know the young woman. He knew her so fucking damn well.

"You've been hiding way too long Karina, and look where I actually found you." He muttered to himself before puffing the smoke He inhaled, blood boiling as he stared at the man beside her.

If it was even possible, He'd be burning holes on that goddamn man's head, but it isn't polite to do that the first time they met right?

"You're fucking lucky My Karina's around." He mumbled before putting his facemask on and going out of the pickup truck to "neutralize the situation"

"what seems to be the problem Salvo? Why'd you bring the boys out? I told you not to harrass women right?" He states, trying to act as if He was the hero of the story.

Heart pumping as He saw the beauty of Karina, it had been years and the last time He saw her face to face was at a Cafe in Korea a few years back, when they called it quits.

"I ran into an old acquaintance and His wife." He felt bitter, Karina should be His Wife not someone else's.

Nobody deserves Karina but Him.

"I see." He starts off as He looked at them for a good few seconds "My apologies for the inconvenience that my friend here caused, I'll be talking to him about this."

"Well make sure about that, I don't want any of your fucking men lurking around my family." and with that being said? Rome pulled his family away from the group.

"I will." He won't, He'll never.

Specially now that He found HIS beautiful Karina.

#original character #cillian x fem!reader #cillian x reader #cillian murphy #cillian x y/n #peaky fookin blinders #peaky fucking blinders #peaky blinders #peaky blinder fanfic #original story #original writing

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beautifullychaoticworld-blog · 1 year

Note

hi, i saw your reply to theambitiouswoman post about not being ready for a relationship and i just wanted to say i relate to your comment so much. i’m currently trying to get out of this dynamic with a dude who i, too, have been telling him he has been smothering me and he’s just overall too clingy for me. tried to break up today actually and here we are, still in the dynamic. he just makes it very hard to do it. i just no longer want to be in this dynamic with him anymore so i’m drained. but i guess it’s my fault too bc i’m trying to be kind to his feelings, when ik if roles were reversed a dude wouldn’t hesitate to stop talking to a girl they think is clingy. ik i’m going to get out of it, i just wish it wasn’t as hard as it is for me right now. i really appreciated your comment tho bc it made me feel not alone in my feelings, so thank you

I'm happy that you feel less alone with your situation because of my comment. It's something that I experienced twice with two different guys... and it's really weird situation to be in because he's ready but I'm not... he needs to give you more time for your feelings to grow for him or he needs to make you fall in love with him (especially since you didn't choose him but he chose you instead).

It was harder for me to get rid of the first guy because he was chasing me around everywhere in the city, he was trying to manipulate me, then he was following me on Facebook and eventually started blackmailing me when I wasn't doing what he wanted and he was so angry that I had to say something like I'll call the police if you don't leave me alone. He couldn't understand when his behavior was threatening... then I changed cities and I felt a bit safer and away from him.

I did tell him I wasn't ready but then he got angry and couldn't believe it because his ex was madly in love with him, he was ready to marry me even and I had just met him... (well, I'm not his ex). He wanted a relationship fast and NOW. We were doing this on and off for a few years from summer 2016 until covid and that isolated me from him (and some other toxic friends I had) and was already in another city away from him. Obviously he got even more angry from the situation with covid and I heard that domestic abuse cases were rising during the pandemic. End of 2020 is when we last chatted and I wrote to him that I'll call the police and he went away. I think it was also bad timing (wasn't the right time for me since I had other things going on in my life) and also maybe it wasn't meant to be.

It definitely felt like he was rushing, pressuring and smothering me...

Yes exactly, if the roles were reversed and I was the one showing more interest than him he'd probably choose another girl instead or say he was interested in another girl all along, how she was better than me or he’ll talk about his exes and he’d try to make me jealous... and wouldn't care about my feelings at all.

The second guy I dumped last winter after 4 months of dating once he told me and made me realize I wasn’t ready with him too or maybe I’m not ready in general with anyone... then he was like “What really?! K. You will never hear about me again” and he blocked me on Facebook. He sounded butt-hurt though.

With the right guy that you like you would be ready... and also it has to be mutual. You would feel happy with him. It’s best to not rush anything and don’t succumb to other people’s timelines and pressures about getting into a relationship or getting married at a certain age... because everyone is different and it’s not that simple. Let it happen naturally and don’t force anything.

Hope sharing my experiences was helpful for you in some way.

#asks #ask #not ready for a relationship #dating #best to stay single for longer I guess...

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antifictionsfiction · 2 years

Text

Worth the Free Admission - Part 2/5

Part 1 / Part 3 / Part 4

Fandom: Children’s Theater Critic with Alfred Molina

Pairing: Arthur H. Cartwright x gn!reader

Rating: T

Chapter summary: Cartwright takes you up on your offer and shows up to a rehearsal. For some reason he seems significantly less self-assured than when you first met him.

Warnings/tags: age difference, insecurity, mutual pining

Chapter word count: 1644

A/N: Once again, major thanks to my friend B. (@scorsesedepalmafan ) for support and creating and providing the lovely gif! ❤ And a special shout-out to my friend Anna (@castanierprosper ) 😊

Even after persuading yourself over and over that you wouldn’t take Cartwright’s upcoming visit into account when preparing for the class, your notebook was overflowing with detailed notes. Your planning seemed to cover every minute of the usual two-hour class and then some. Even as you were waiting for Cartwright to arrive in the rehearsal room, you were speed-reading through all twenty pages – again. You were sitting on the edge of the small stage at the far end of the room, surrounded by scattered papers, pencils and paper clips. You had some cleaning up to do before the kids came and made an even bigger mess of your own chaos.

A knock on the door – far too polite to signal Cartwright’s arrival to you right away – finally drew your attention away from the notes. Just as you invited the interrupter in, the door flew open, apparently by accident. The large man you would recognize anywhere now took a leap and reached for it to prevent it from slamming into the wall. With Cartwright’s long limbs coming into play, the whole situation looked exceptionally comical. As if to complete the gag, Cartwright then proceeded to adjust his glasses that had gone askew with his sudden movement, and blurted out an apologetic greeting. You observed he had remembered not only your last name, but also the first. And you had thought you were the only one who had set out to impress today.

“Mr. Cartwright, a pleasure to see you again,” you got up from the stage and walked up to him with an extended hand ready to shake. You were yet to decide whether your words were just a pleasantry or not. Cartwright, on the other hand, appeared genuinely pleased, once he got over the shock of his own entrance.

“I am not interrupting your work, am I?” he asked, pointing to the open notebook and pages of your latest script spread across the stage.

“Well, you are about thirty minutes early,” you chuckled. Of course ‘on time’ meant ‘unnecessarily early’ in his language. Well, at least you didn’t have to clean up all on your own, “But no. I was just going over my notes for today’s class.”

“Ah, I see you do take advice. May I take a look?”

You ignored the condescending subtext of his remark, knowing there would be many other opportunities to get defensive later. Instead, you led him over to your makeshift working space and handed him the notebook after checking it was open on the right page, vary of the more personal nature of some of the entries. Cartwright flipped through the pages, with a satisfied nod or a hum every now and then.

“Yes, this is very good. I have to say I’m impressed by your planning skills. Of course, my guess would be your lesson plans work significantly better on paper than in practice, much like your play. But we can build on this.” He handed you the notebook back, looking at you with certain expectation. Was this a compliment? Was it constructive criticism? Was it just criticism? What you knew for sure was that it was a prompt for you to take charge of your own goddamn work.

“Right. First we need to get the space ready for rehearsing. I’d really appreciate your help, can you bring out those boxes over there, please?” you directed him towards a tall shelf rack with a couple of boxes placed on the top shelf, well out of your reach. Cartwright didn’t even need a chair. You were almost beginning to believe inviting him here was a smart idea.

---

Cartwright had responded to your offer to join the kids in the warmups with a resolute ‘no’, and now he was occupying your favorite chair while you were physically engaging in the exercises. You had underestimated his ability to comment even on the most basic of warmups, but here he was virtually dissecting six-year-old Andy’s take on a walk through the forest.

“Are you wearing shoes? Are the soles of your socks made of steel? If you are walking barefoot, where’s the discomfort? Where’s the pain? You need to make a creative choice and follow it with an action!” The boy had slowed down, walking in a circle in uncertain wobbly steps, trying to follow instructions he couldn’t decipher. You gave Cartwright a quick ‘let me take care of it’ look and took over again.

“The forest floor is full of rocks, crunchy leaves and protruding roots, how does it feel? Is it easy to walk on?” you asked.

“No!” the kids echoed.

“Well, then maybe making careful steps and rising your knees higher will help,” you suggested and observed the focus in the kids’ faces as they took more deliberate steps, some of them even going as far as wincing in pain from stepping on a particularly sharp imaginary rock or root. You praised them all, and even Cartwright seemed satisfied with the progress - not that it was his accomplishment, even if he most likely thought otherwise.

At first you found it quite easy to deflect his pompous input just by overlooking it and carrying on the way you usually would. However, coming into the second half of the class, you could tell he was getting restless. Something about the way he hunched in the chair sent an image of a big, neglected dog into your brain and suddenly you almost felt guilty for ignoring him.

“Mr. Cartwright, are you sure you don’t want to join us? We’re going to move onto some improv skits now, it would be wonderful if you could contribute with some ideas,” you offered him your hand with a smile. He gaped at you in disbelief for a few seconds before getting his words out.

“No! I couldn’t- I can give you my thoughts on the performance, I- I’m not an expert-“ You cut him off mid-sentence, by leaning in a little and lowering your voice.

“Mr. Cartwright, they’re children, remember? They’ll eat up any crazy idea they hear, especially if it’s coming from me. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they love yours, too. Alright?”

“Alright,” he gave a sheepish nod, taking your hand and following you to the stage.

God, his hand was so comfortingly large and warm, heating up your own – and you couldn’t explain where that thought had come from for the life of you. You quickly dropped said hand to avoid the possibility of any further thoughts of this kind emerging. You cleared your throat both to get the kids’ attention and end the moment of odd tension you had accidentally created. If you had the courage to sneak a look at Cartwright, you would see the rather prominent blush spread all the way up to where the rim of his glasses rested on his cheekbones.

“Do we have to play with him?” asked Ollie, pointing at Cartwright. It was an innocent and understandable question, given Ollie’s experience. But it didn’t exactly work in favor of your pursuit of peace. You could feel the critic tense behind you without needing to look at him. You hoped the other kids wouldn’t join in, because the idea of defending Cartwright against a gang of annoyed children somehow terrified you more than defending the kids against Cartwright had.

“Ollie, come here for a minute,” you pulled him towards you and Cartwright and stepped away from the stage to get a shadow of privacy. Humiliating the boy in front of the rest of the class would never be on the menu again.

“I know you didn’t mean it, but what you just said didn’t make Mr. Cartwright feel great. Is that right Mr. Cartwright?” you raised your brows, signaling to Cartwright to clarify his feelings. He didn’t.

“I erm-“

“But he was so mean to me and he hates how I play,” sniffled Ollie. So he had taken something from Cartwright’s critique after all, something you would have to tackle in the future.

“He doesn’t hate your acting, Ollie. I think you both said ugly things to each other, but you can still be friends if you apologize to each other, hm? Mr. Cartwright?”

Although Cartwright had taken off his specs, there was a glassy shine to his eyes, not nearly as though he was on the verge of tears, but something was going on inside his head.

“Yes, I apologize, dear boy. Despite the obvious shortcomings of your perform-“ He didn’t get to finish his sentence again as you jabbed your elbow into his side with enough force to throw him off. He shot you an alarmed glance but got the point of your little message.

“I apologize, Ollie,” he corrected himself. You touched Ollie’s upper back, urging him to take his turn apologizing.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Cartwright,” he mumbled, eyes glued to the ground.

“Call me Arthur.” Cartwright smiled and grasped Ollie’s tiny hand in his massive one, “Everyone, you can call me Arthur,” he called out to the class, obviously having taken note that the class called you by your first name too. The kids all started giggling and shouting Cartwright’s name like a mantra, all while pulling him into the midst of their miniature crowd. Cartwright’s attempts to free himself from their clutches fell flat, but you could tell he wasn’t using even a snippet of his true strength. Above all, he appeared to be relieved by the sudden change in their attitude towards him.

“Alright, release Arthur so that he can help you come up with new characters for this little story we’ll be playing!”

Your order was met with ten excited yesses and squeals and the kids plopped down onto the stage, waiting for further instructions from you. You and Cartwright joined them on the ground, and before you went on to explain the next task, you noticed him watching you with a slight grateful smile.

#arthur h. cartwright x reader #worth the free admission #alfred molina x reader #alfred molina fanfiction #arthur h cartwright x reader #alfred molina #funny or die #gender neutral reader #rated t

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wizkiddx · 3 years

Text

your voice

angsty vibe, requested by @hollandlover19 than you for th rq and hop this doesn't disappoint too much :)))

summary: tom says something so stupid and has to deal with the consquences

warnings: a bit angsty, but ends in fluff! argumnts and raising voices, I guess could be associated with panic attacks tho not written with that intention

//////////////////////////////////

“Oh, Y/n er sorry.” Harrisons morning dulcet tones were what you were awoken to with a groan.

Everything was achy, and your head was pounding, making you grumble in discontent as you shifted uncomfortably on the technically too-small-to-sleep-on sofa.

This was not the morning you’d foreseen even 12 hours ago.

Lockdown had been difficult for everyone, even removing the tragic health crisis. Being locked in with your boyfriend and his brothers and friends was, for the most part, amazing. Lots of laughs, lots of beers and lots of quality time that you usually didn’t get. But it was also intense.

Without a doubt, since you first got together, this was the longest time you’d ever had with Tom. And it had been brilliant, your relationship getting so much closer and just learning the subtlest intricacies about the other. In fact, when lockdown had been announced, you’d never lived together (the most a week-long holiday).

Though it was also like a pressure cooker, Toms rented house. When one of you were in an understandable but stubborn lousy mood, it affected the whole house.

Yesterday night had been the perfect storm. The weather was unbelievably scorching; your work had announced that they had to let some staff go because of the financial implications of the pandemic; a ‘mole’ had released personal details of your relationship.

And it was like a pot on the stove; everything went from controllable to violently boiling over in a matter of minutes.

Honestly, you didn’t even know why you had started arguing - it was that pathetic. And yet you’d both said pretty horrible stuff - though it was Tom who had crossed the line. Frankly, the way he’d spoken to you was almost unforgivable.

You’d both known instantly too, all his anger at you had immediately evaporated when he’d realised what he had said. It took no time for him to become a grovelling apologetic mess, however even that- it was already too late.

It might sound feeble, but honestly, you’d run and locked yourself in the downstairs loo. You’d cried on the inside- whilst from the other side of the door, he had been begging and pleading with you.

After an hour though, Tom finally gave up - hence why you’d had a pretty uncomfortable night on the sofa.

This brings it back to Harrison, the early riser of the house, barrelling into the living room after his morning run. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, except also slightly terrified looking as he stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“I’m up now” You sighed, dragging yourself into a sitting position on the sofa whilst massaging your crooked neck.

“You er…. you fell asleep watching the TV?” Rolling your eyes, you sighed at the blonde, even if his poor acting was a little entertaining.

“Are we both pretending that you don’t know what went down last night?” Of course, Harrison knew. The walls were thin, you’d been screaming and he was Tom’s best friend. No doubt, Tom had immediately gone to him for help and advice last night.

Harrison held his hands up in response, caught in the act, and clicked his tongue. “What he said was bad. You shouldn’t be the one ending up with the sore back.” He wasn’t wrong.

“And yet here I am…” With a sigh you smiled which he returned with a sickeningly empathetic one “Anyway, don’t let my sad self get in the way, did you come in here for anything?”

Now, because Harrison was mentally a five year old, that’s how you ended up sat crossed-legged on the floor, clutching a wii remote and angrily shouting at yoshi on the mariokart screen. The whole household was competitive as hell and you were no exception - so some rouge elbows were flying when he viciously knocked you off the track.

Slowly Harry and Tuwaine filtered in and picked up remotes too, so the quiet morning was very quickly switched into a tense atmosphere of yelps and shouts. None more so than Tuwaine, who was possibly the worst looser you had ever met.

Really, you knew all the boys were only doing this as there way of showing you they were with you. That they also thought Tom was a massive raging dickhead. And you appreciated it more than they would ever know. Locked down in Toms house, very much not mutual ground, having three stupid boys behind you meant everything.

Just as you got on to the 18th and final race of the house’s mario grand prix, another voice cut across the tense silence as you waited for the coutdown to turn into ‘go’. Naturally, you flipped round to see Tom, looking as though he literally just rolled out of bed with puffy eyes and messy hair and no top. The sight made your heart flutter, to the point you had to consciously check yourself - refusing to smile softly at him like you usually would, instead narrowing your eyebrows and looking back at the TV.

Tom had so desperately hoped that when he came down this morning, everything would be better. That all it’d take would be a quiet conversation for the two of you to make up - for him to have you in his arms again. Primarily as he had heard your excited laugh echoing through the halls in reactions to Tuwaines yelps of protests - it made him hopeful. Waking up to a cold and empty bed was almost soul-crushing this morning. He did not want it to ever happen again.

Which is why his heart sank so much when all you gave him was a scolding look, before turning your attention to the TV. Admittedly, he was naive to think that what he’d done last night would be an easy fix - he knew it too. So with dropping shoulders, Tom silently took a seat on the sofa, watching from afar. You spent the rest of the race more absent, not joining in with the Harrison or Harrys trash-talking, acutely aware of Tom’s eyes burning the back of your head.

Then came Harry’s celebrations as the overall winner (only just) and when Harrison suggested another game Tom piped up again.

“Give me a turn Harry.”

The three boys kneeling next to you all stiffened, looking immediately to you for what seemed like consent - as if they were engaging with the enemy. (At least it was good to know everyone was on your side).

“I’m gonna go prepare for my meeting anyway.” You spoke quietly, already placing the remote on the floor and standing up.

“Y/n I don’t mind swappin-“

“No. Thanks, H but no.” You weren’t being selfless and giving Tom a turn. You were running away from seeing him.

And Harrison was still really angry at Tom. He’d been so selfish and insensitive and had hurt you- someone who Haz also cared a lot about too. Yes Tom was his bestmate, that he’d grown up with and known for years - but Haz really liked you too, in fact all the boys did. So they were almost as pissed with Tom as you were.

So while you threw the cushion you were sat on back on the floor, Harrison shot Tom the filthiest look and practically shooed him away.

“come on Y/n … just one more? Then you can do your boring work.” You were about to refuse when Haz tilted his head toward the door, only then noticing that Tom had slipped out the room. Now that he was gone ,yes, just one more wouldn’t hurt. The meeting prep wasn’t time pressured; it was an excuse for an escape.

Tuwaine whooped a little when you nodded, planting back down and ready for the first race. Yet apart from that, the room was still a little awkward, you being the first to break the silence.

“Actually Haz, would you mind giving me a lift today?”

“What to the shops?

“Um no not quite.” Tuwaine laughed in his usual innocent and infectious style before asking more.

“Seriously? You know we’re locked down? Boris won’t be happy if you going mad and leaving the house.”

“Just to Y/f/n’s. She lives on her own so it’s legal.”

“She lives just down the road right? Can’t you walk?” Harry was confused, making him look away from the screen, ultimately leading to his ‘diddykong’ falling off the track.

“I’ll have my bags. I um… I think I’m going to stay with her till lockdown eases more.”

As soon as you said that, Harry pressed pause on the race, all three boys looking at you mouth-opened.

“For real?”

“Yeh I um… think me and Tom need some time apart and being locked in isn’t helping.”

“I’m not saying to forgive and forget what he said… but he is really sorry.”

“The twats literally kicking himself.” Tuwaine added, making you smile a little for calling Tom that.

“I know just… I need some space and-“

“Are you breaking up?” Harry almost announced, cutting you off. He would miss you too.

“No! Nono I … well I don’t know. I just- we both need this.”

The boys all nodded, looking at the floor for a moment before Harrison’s blue eyes were back on you.

“Course I’ll drive, but… but I’ll miss you.”

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

You’d left merely an hour later, whilst Tom was holed up in the garden doing what looked like an almost unbearable work out. It meant he was also out your hair and you could throw all your stuff into two suitcases without him being any the wiser. It was probably pretty cowardly to leave without speaking to him, but you couldn’t. It would hurt too much and you didn’t want to break down in front of him. No doubt as soon as you had got to Y/f/n you did - into a blubbering mess of tears - but Tom hadn’t seen so it was okay.

Speaking of. Tom.

Tom was not in a good way at all. He’d been trying really hard to curb his’ short fuse’ lately- all of which had been well and truly blown in the past 4 hours. After finally being realised from meetings, which he’d not been able to concentrate on anyway, Tom had mentally prepared himself for a lot of grovelling. Once he’d vaguely hunted the house and not found you there, he naturally asked Harry and Tuwaine (both of whom were in the living room) if they’d seen you around.

It was a typical question, the answer he was expecting was that you’d just gone on your daily walk. And yet the response he got was… well a lot more confusing. Harry’s eyes widened whilst T did his awkward-uncomfortable chuckle, the two locked in an intense bout of eye contact. It was as though they were arguing with each, but through the powers of telekinesis... and it put Tom on edge. He was already stressed because you were so angry with him, so not getting a clear answer out of his brother and best mate - lets just say it tested his patience.

“You two need to tell me what the hell is going on right now.”

The two boys both looked panicked to speak to him, which was the opposite of the usual situation. They were some of the ONLY people in his life that would just say it how it is, no sugar coating. Like if he was away and being ‘famous’ was getting to his head; or if he wore the wrong pair of jeans. Even yesterday evenings events, they’d both called him out on what he’d said to you.

So why the silence?

Eventually, it was Harry who spoke up, but in doing so, practically just waved all responsibility on to another innocent party.

“Ask Haz.”

And then Tom knew. He knew this was bad. Immediately his heart was pumping at an alarmingly fast rate, taking the stairs two at a time and not bothering to knock before bursting the door open.

“Where’s Y/n?”

Harrison was reclined back on his haphazardly made bed, laptop balanced on his lap as he looked up with a sigh. He’d known this conversation was coming, but it didn’t make it any less easy. With a sigh, Haz closed the lid of his MacBook and sat up on the bed.

“Tom just-“

“Where. Is. She.”

“She’s gone to Y/f/n’s.”

“Oh… okay.” Suddenly Tom’s voice was muted, thinking he might’ve blown his top at nothing. This wasn’t weird - Y/f/n was in your support bubble and you went to hers often.

Tom was grossly underestimating the situation - and Harrison heard didn’t fancy stringing him along though.

“No like gone. She um… she took all her stuff. I think she’s going to stay there till-“

Tom was already out his room at that point, slamming the door as he did so. Making a beeline for his own room, Tom then frantically started to pull out the draws and rummage around the shelves, confirming what he already knew. Your clothes were gone, your toothbrush and toiletries were gone, you were gone.

It’s important to note Tom didn’t really cry all that much. Or if he did - it was more inconsequential, at a sad movie or one of the rescue dog stories from battersea. Actually, when it came down to it, he didn’t really cry.

Now though, it was impossible to ignore the burning of his eyes, as he sank down onto the bed that now felt twice the size. With ragged breath, he repeatedly fisted his eyes, not actually letting the tears fall - but it was impossible to not acknowledge their presence. Harrison stood wordlessly at the door frame, knowing it best not to interrupt - whilst at the same time knowing Tom shouldn’t be left alone. There was a delicate balance between the two, which he was walking on a knife-edge on right now.

After a short while, Tom looked up with red eyes and nodded at Harrison, effectively granting him entrance. With a sigh once again, Haz moved and sat next to Tom on the bed, clasping his hands together nervously.

“She said you both just needed a break from each other. Think lockdown and everything was just a bit too intense.” Haz had tried to explain, yet it seemed Tom had only managed to lock onto one of the first words.

“A break? Or breaking up?”

“I uhm… she didn’t explicitly say ending things. But I just… I don’t know to be honest mate.”

“You see the way she looked at me this morning? Like she hated me. Wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was there.”

“I don’t know what to say… she needs time and space I think.” Tom was silent for a beat, shaking his head as he cradled his forehead.

“I hate the fact you and my girlfriend are on better terms than I am.” Anddd his voice was back to scathing.

“I’m not on anyones side. But your both my friends and she… she needed some time.”

With that, Harrison made a quick exit out, getting Harry to take over the Tom supervision.

Ever since the atmosphere in the house had been tense. To say Tom was highly strung was an understatement, particularly towards Harrison. Deep down he was thankful Haz was looking out for Y/n: he was glad that Haz was checking she was okay. It’s not like Tom could, because Y/n was refusing to answer his calls, texts, whatsapps, even the slip of paper he’d slipped under Y/f/n’s door in the middle of an especially dark night.

So it was good to know Y/n was okay, but the fact she was going on socially distanced walks with the rest of his housemates was rubbing salt in the wound.

After a week and a half of complete radio silence on your end Tom had utterly worn down. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to be angry anymore, he was just tired. Tired of missing you with every breath, tired of the ten-tonne weight of guilt pressing on his chest, fucking exhausted with being angry at Haz and Harry and Tuwaine.

The best thing in his life and one of the very limited opportunities was quality time with the people he loved more than anything else. He had ruined it all.

And it was the small things. It was waking up to your soft, whispered voice in the morning; it was your infectious giggle when he surprised you with a hug from behind and gentle kisses to your neck; it was your quiet singing in the shower. Especially when he knew Haz, Harry and Tuwaine were all still seeing you and laughing with you. It hurt like hell.

Which is how he ended up hesitantly knocking on Harrison’s bedroom door at half eleven at night, with his tail between his legs. Having been so uber-healthy all lockdown, Haz was already in bed following his sleep cycle, though for Tom right now- he would be awake.

“I’m um… I’m sorry I’ve been a knob. There’s no excuse of anything I’ve just… I’ve been a knob.”

“You’re not wrong.” Harrison nodded in agreement with a sly smile, motioning for Tom to come into the room, after which he perched on the edge of the bed.

“I just… I need to speak to her but I… I don’t want to push her if she’s still hurting and I…”

“You absolutely promise not to blow your fuse? Because she couldn’t handle that.” Tom’s eyes widened, thinking this would be a much harder pitch than how it seemed to be going.

“Yesyesyes i- I promise. I just, I feel broken you know? Even if all I get is the time to say sorry, I-I really need to.”

Harrison released a deep breath, nodding slowly before throwing the covers off himself. Tom watched all his movements with a curious gaze, silently sitting as Haz pulled on a hoodie, then socks too.

“Well? Let’s go.”

//////////////////

Now, what Tom had not in the slightest bit been prepared for was this to happen tonight. Really, he hadn’t even thought Harrison would agree to let him talk to you… and even if he had, Tom not in hell thought it’d be at 11:30 that evening.

His heart was thundering in his chest, trying to hurriedly script how on earth he was going to apologise meaningfully to you - as him and Haz walked the short distance to your friends house. Honestly the whole situation was peculiar to Tom - finding it hard to believe that if you weren’t to answer his texts you wouldn’t be open to an in person conversation.

What Tom didn’t know, was how you’d been texting Haz at a similar point of desperation. You weren’t happy and even given everything Tom had said and acted - you missed your boy. No matter how infuriating he could be when trapped 24/7 - you’d quickly learnt this was the only way you wanted to spend these weird times.

So yes, Tom’s best friend knew you were hardly sleeping either, but needed that little push to interact with you boyfriend. No doubt, you’d still be awake to answer the door.

Once he’d arrived at the apartment block and walked up the stairs to the right floor, it still took some prodding and pushing from Harrison to get Tom to knock on the door. Plainly, because he was shitting himself. Haz hadn’t given him enough pre warning, enough time to work it all out in his head. So it took another encouraging nod from Harrison for him to knock on the slightly rough-round-the-edges flat door.

Y/f/n was single and young, starting her career in Kingston - so the flat she could afford was modest at best. When it was just occupied by a single person, that was manageable - two was a push. You’d only been living with her for a week and a few days but it was enough to know this flat was not ideal for two people in lockdown. You were already stepping on each others toes. It also wasn’t technically legal to move households but Y/f/n had always been in your support bubble as a single household otherwise. And so there was also a layer of guilt to it all.

Naturally then, sharing a bed with someone who wasn’t Tom meant you just were not sleeping. Even if you had both gone to bed early (just to kill some hours in the day) you were still wide awake at quarter to twelve - when a timid knock echoed through the minuscule apartment. Curiosity peaked at who the hell would be calling now; you silently slipped out of bed, managing to not disturb Y/f/n, and closed the bedroom door.

Now you weren��t an idiot. Even though this was southwest london, hardly the capital for crime, Y/f/n lived in a dodgy building with some questionable characters. And it was midnight. Hence why you approached the situation cautiously, tiptoeing to the door and waiting with your ear pressed against the wood.

“I told you she wouldn’t answer!”

“She will! Might just be in the loo or something.”

“Haz this is stupid-“

The air in your chest froze when you immediately recognised the smooth tone of his voice. It was him… and you’d missed that so much. Already there were tears in your eyes and you couldn’t open the door just yet. So no, instead you slid down the doorframe before calling quietly out into the night.

“Tom?”

The bickering on the otherside of the door was silenced, but you heard a quite tap on the door... and could envision exactly what was going on. Tom, pressing both palms and his ear to the door, as Harrison took a few steps back - sensing his work was done.

“Y/n? You there?” He sounded desperate, you could hear the emotion dripping off his voice. It was only when you tried to reply did you realise your own voice was having a harder time speaking.

“Yeh its-its me.” It felt as though this heavyweight that had been pressing down on your chest was slowly lifting, making your voice all cracky and low.

In response, there was a short and sharp exhale. It sounded relieved before some fidgeting as you imagined him crouching down beside the door - mirroring your image.

“Fuck, it… it feels so good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too… I’ve-i’ve missed you.”

Tom snorted at that, a gentle bang allowing you to realise he’d just whacked his head on the back of the wood.

“You have no idea how this week felt.” He was wrong though, you did.

Yes, maybe without the insurmountable guilt that Tom was rightfully feeling, but it didn’t mean that the time apart wasn’t easy.

“I do. This hasn’t been a nice holiday for me you know?”

He sighed, knowing that yet again he’d said the wrong thing. This time though, he didn’t rebut instantly (which surprised you), instead his response was more measured and calculated.

“I am so sorry. And of course, I know because I was the one that hurt you too. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that.” You nodded but given this conversation was happening through a door Tom didn’t see your gentle agreement - opting to fill the silence.

“I um… I’m not good at this whole um… speaking my feelings. But I’ve hated myself ever since I picked that fight with you. It was stupid and uh it-it was all my fault. I’m so so sorry for hurting you.”

“‘Why?” You tried to ask, except the words were stuck in your throat, making you have to clear it before asking again. “Why did you say it?”

“To get a rise out of you. It’s stupid and petty and fucking-fucking dumb. I said it not because I’ve ever thought it, I never ever have, but I knew it’d hurt you. I was preying on your insecurities because I was angry at the world and that was so unfair. “

“No shit.”

Silence reigned as you fiddled with your fingers - specifically with the promise ring he’d bought you a year ago.

“You-you think you could ever forgive me?”

“Thats the annoying part. I want to hate you because you literally stabbed me then twisted the knife but… but all I’ve done this week is miss you. Even when I saw Haz or Harry or Tuwaine. I just fucking missed you.”

“Can you open the door please love?”

Clumsily you scrubbed the tear tracks off your face, scrabbling to your feet so you could thrust open the doors. Because you might still be bloody pissed at him, but at the same time - you needed your Tom. Thrusting the door open, the first thing you registered was being pressed into Tom’s chest. His arms slinked around your waist and held him tight, which you reciprocated, squeezing tightly round his neck. Your senses were all being assaulted by one thing and one thing only. Tom.

He smelt like usual, except maybe the slightest bit stronger than usual - you figured he hadn’t showered in a day or two or bothered with cologne. The top of your forehead was pressed up against his chin, and as he readjusted his grip on you, you felt the scratchy feeling of his unshaven stubble. He kept whispering apologies against the top of your head, almost desperate and religiously.

Arching back, you brought both hands to cup his cheeks, looking into his glassy brown. eyes, which looked so lost and confused.

“I’m still angry.”

“Of course-“

“I’m still angry but I’m going to kiss you okay?”

Safe to say Tom didn’t require a verbal response, taking it upon himself to nudge his lips against yours, yet waiting for you to initiate the kiss. And that you did, everything else about this godforsaken week and a half. His index finger traced the angle of your jaw, whilst he held your lower back tight, pressing himself as close as physically possible to you. Needing you.

Eventually arching back, your thumb ran over his deep and sunken under-eyes, which added so much age to his face.

“You look tired Tommy.”

“Can’t sleep without you telling me goodnight.” That was another tradition you had had. Even when he was away, you’d even set an alarm for whatever bedtime was for the other across the world. Just so you could send a little message or voice not saying goodnight. Was it cringey? Yes. Did either of you care? No.

But since you’d been away all the evening wishes were absent from you. Which hurt Tom more than you may ever know.

“I know you’re still angry but will you please come home to me? I need you to be the last thing I hear at night and the first thing in the morning.”

would love to hear any feedback <333 (but think this is a bit of a shitter so im sorry!!!)

tagging: @lovehollandy12 @pandaxnienke @thegirlwiththeimpala @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @hollandlover19 @hunnybunimdun @crossyourpeter @thefernandasantana@hallecarey1

#tom holland x you #tom holland angst #tom holland x y/n #tomholland #tom holland x reader #tom holland fluff #harry holland

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bakugohoex · 3 years

Note

Can you do Jean x reader where they are both undercover at Marley 💕💕💕

part one: “this isn’t a date jean, we’re undercover”

paring: jean kirschtein x female reader

cw: season 4 spoiler but there is no manga spoiler at all, fluff, language

word count: 2600+

a/n: i had to read so much for this fic, but i got the jist of it, again making sure you guys know there is no spoilers for the manga in here and onlt a season four spoiler do if you guys havent watched the latest episodes be warned

summary: in which you and jean are undercover doing reconnaissance in marley, want turns to investigating a local bar leads to feelings finally being brought out from the two of you

part two | part three

↞ back to attack on titan masterlist

The dress you wore covered your thighs and knees, it hugged you, the soft material being a drastic change from your normal attire. It was a warm mid-day, birds chirped and the sound of Marleyans engulphed your ears. In the 6 years in which you had known Jean you hadn’t ever expect an undercover mission taking place in Marley of all places.

He walked with your hand in his own, you smiling softly as you spoke nonchalantly to one another. It was unamusing and more a distraction than anything else. He picked the newspaper up on the stall, paying quickly as he walked back, you followed which felt more like being dragged along by his strong grip.

The way the top of his fedora sat on his now long hair, he heard about the victory of the Marleyans from a passer-by and with his hand in your own he opened the newspaper up. It was reconnaissance, you and him both knew you were supposed to act like one of these people even if they did think of you both as devils.

“I think we should visit that bar that woman told us about, a lot of the men there get drunk and reveal a lot.”

He looked down at you, your hands still connected. He had grown so much in all these years now reaching over 6ft, his long hair and scattered hairs along his chin making gorgeous. He had become the leader both you and Marco knew he would become.

“They’ll all stare at you, why would I want that?” he mutters.

You laugh at his antics, “you’re such an idiot.”

“You’re the one holding my hand.”

“Jean it’s a mission we have to pretend to be together for the performance.”

He raised an eyebrow you had full view of his face; his eyes were tired from the late nights working on the next plan of action. But most importantly, the fact that the two of you had to share a bed. He couldn’t even touch you as your small frame would sometimes push against his chest.

You smiled at the boy getting him out of his trance before skimming through the newspaper again. “We’ll go tonight after the meeting.”

You nod as the two of you walk towards the docks of Liberio. Both you and Jean were in the internment zone, a nice old woman allowing you to stay on top of her shop. Even with her being nice her opinions on titans and those within the walls were a lot cruller than u had expected.

It had been awkward the first time sleeping beside each other, you both looked up. Not facing each other but instead watching as the clock ticked away until one of you fell asleep. You both woke up wrapped in each other’s arms, and an awkwardness had set between you two from that night. You both would try to face away from each other but one way in another you ended up touching each other in some way.

He helped you up the stairs to where the little shop was kept, you both had gained some currency mostly from stealing it, but you never expected to stay here long. Only to find information until the true invasion would begin. Of course, the others were already here in their own recon missions, but you and Jean had been the first ones and had found out the most about this stupid town.

The biggest thing being that they hated Eldians of any type. You both walked through the double doors the woman smiling at how pretty you both looked together.

You had a meeting with the rest of the survey corps, Hange leading it, you got changed into what you’d wear to the bar knowing it was going to be a long night.

Jean stood at the door watching at how you easily took the dress off. You both didn’t care about changing clothes in front of each other, you’d seen worse from each other and it meant nothing after the tortures of titans.

The short dress fitted you perfectly and as Jean eyed you up and down, he craved any touch by you. He had taken the blue tie off and the suit jacket and waistcoat off leaving him in the white button up and trousers.

You smiled at how his hair stuck to the back of his neck, when he had first started growing his hair out you had loved it seeing the boy turn into a man. You both had changed since your cadet days and as much as you missed it you couldn’t say that being an adult didn’t have its perks.

“You know Y/n, I’d definitely accept any date proposals from you.”

You rolled your eyes at him, he always tormented you with the flirting. “Jean you really are a pain in my ass.”

“Such vulgar words from a pretty woman.”

You wanted to stab him with your ODM gear but instead stuck with jabbing him with your knee into his stomach. Normally when he was a lot younger it hurt him easily, but he seemed unfazed by the action almost finding it cute.

“Why did u have to grow so much? Short Jean was better.”

“Are you saying 15-year-old me is better than now me?”

You think back at the boy, bringing your finger to your chin. “Both you and 15-year-old you are pains to be around.”

He moves his face to your ear you could feel the hairs brush against your cheek from his chin as he spoke, “it’s okay Y/n we both know how you really feel.”

Rolling your eyes, he grabbed your hand almost out of instinct, you both leaving the shop as quickly as you came. Turning the many corners that Hange had told you to take after each different meeting.

The amount of walks you both went on should be unnecessary but the people of Liberio barely batted an eyelash at the two on you.

The dress was low cut and having all these new clothes made your heart warm up. You hadn’t worn different clothes in years, always the same uniform which you grew to dislike.

“Hange really sent us on a fucking expedition.” You mutter as you lean against Jean’s side.

He leads the way walking towards an unknown battered up building. It looked like it was being constructed and you were met with the scouts.

They eyed you both up your outfits standing out. “running late per usual.” Levi mutters.

As much as you had grown on Captain Levi, he still had a discomfort towards most of you. Both Jean and you let go of hands with ease standing beside each other. Before the meeting begun mostly talking about what had occurred and most significantly the defeat of Marleyans against the Mid-East.

“You know what that means, sometime soon is our time to act.” You professed, the new knowledge coming as a relief as it would soon be time for your plan to truly occur.

Armin and Mikasa spoke, the whereabouts of Eren being unknown due to his consistent disappearances. Watching these people grow you truly understood the mutual torment you all felt. As you were all dismissed all you could think about was the consistent opposition you all faced.

“I think the bars down here.” Jean retakes your hand as you smiled at him.

“Once this is over what do you think will happen.” You ask him softly.

“I don’t know.”

“Remember when we first met, and you were adamant on becoming an MP.” He listened raising an eyebrow. “Look at you now Mr Commanding Officer.”

You were proud of your friend he had worked hard to achieve this status. “You really are proud of me aren’t yah.”

You rolled your eyes gently hitting his side. “I’m telling the truth I’m proud of you.”

You had been timid in your choice of words you were proud, and he knew you were proud of him. Walking into the bar, the significant smell of alcohol mixed with sweat made you grossed out.

It was a rule to not drink under the survey corps and you hadn’t really cared for drinking. So, the sight of so many drunk people drove you mad, how easily a night of drinking could lead to a failed future.

Jean pulled out a chair for you before going to the bar, “I’ll get your favourite.”

You nodded playing with your fingers trying to listen in on the conversations that were occurring. Many Marleyans chatting shit about the Eldians and most specifically those of paradise island.

Your fist clenched as Jean brought two drinks out. “What is it?” You question looking at the red drink in front of you.

“You told me you liken cranberry juice once, i got you some”.

Your eyes widened at the boy, “Jean i said that like years ago.”

“Shows you how much i do care about you.” You rolled your eyes sipping on the drink. You both conversed but remained consistent with your spying on individuals.

“Those guys are talking about you.” Jean coughed out sipping his drink.

“I should go up to them i might get some information.”

“Don’t.” You raise an eyebrow going up to his ear. “They might steal you away.”

“This isn’t a date Jean, we’re undercover.” The way you spoke his name made him melt, he wanted to hear more of your voice specifically moaning his name out.

You stood up ready to go speak to them before you heard something come from their mouths. “If i ever saw one of those island folks I’d slit their throats and make their kids watch.”

You felt sick to the stomach by the comment and wanted to leave. Jean hadn’t heard it and as you stood frozen, he called out your name.

“Let’s get u outside.” He whispers taking your hand as you silently followed. “Are you okay?”

You nod, “I guess it just hit me we’re hated here the way the act towards us is the way we used to act against titans.”

You felt his arms wrap around you. He knew you hadn’t spoken much about the comments and that now you hit the realisation you’d confide in him more.

“I want to go back to the shop.” He nods as a comfortable silence settled in.

You cling to his arm wrapping your hands around his own. He loved the way you cling onto him like he was your protector, and you were his queen.

Walking down a long alleyway, you see some Marley men smoking and drinking. They’d be easy targets if you wanted to kill them, hearing them speak and whistle as you both walked past. Before one of them grabbing your wrist made Jean’s instincts kick in.

He punched the guy who had touched you, his filthy hands still lingering close to your body. The way Jean with ease was able to put down the two men who looked bruised and battered.

He put his hand out for you to take, he didn’t speak. Just bringing you the comfort you needed from this whole new world experience. Everything was so much bigger outside the walls and you couldn’t ever imagine putting innocent people in walls to keep them trapped.

The events of the night led to an uncomfortable silence once you arrived back to little room on top of the shop. He stripped his shirt off due to the excessive dirt it had got on it. You admired his body, the way each muscle sat perfectly on his abdomen.

You sat on the bed fidgeting with your clothes, you played with the hem of the dress which Jean could see your upper thigh from you doing.“Do you want to talk more about it?”

“I just… i guess it’s the reality.” You muttered as Jean sat beside you his shirt off. Titans seemed less scary than any of these indoctrinated Marleyans any day.

In the years Jean had known you seeing you vulnerable and passive made his heart ache. He took you by the hand letting you attach yourself to his side.

You were scared about the upcoming invasion and even worse you didn’t even know who you’d be fighting. The uncertain of it all being too much.

He walked up to you, moving closer to your smaller frame. “You didn’t have to punch those guys, I...I would’ve said something.”

“Y/n, you’ve been silent all night, you expect me to believe that you would’ve done something.” He bends down his knees touching the ground as he kneeled in front of you. His hands moving to your own stopping you from playing with your dress anymore.

Bringing your hands up to his mouth he kissed it as you could see some bruises, you stroked your thumb against the bruises hopefully it would settle down with some ice later. “What you said back in the bar?” You start to speak but you really had nothing to say, “about not going to those men.”

“I didn’t want you to get hurt if you talked to them and…” He trailed off.

“And?” You question.

He looked up at your bright face filled with love and happiness something he hadn’t seen in a very long time. “And you bring joy, in a shitty world like this I guess you’re the only one who truly brings a smile on my face.”

“Jean when did you get so sappy.” You giggle at his flustered look.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me.” The tone in your voice was begging him to take you.

He rolls his eyes, his tongue flicking against the inside of his mouth as he stood up looking at you. He was even taller than before. You were a mouse compared to his frame; he bent his back bringing his face closer towards yours before a hand was placed on your cheek.

He closed the gap between the two of you, making your back hit the bed. His other hand moved to your side as he was on kissing you whilst he was on top. Your back arched at the movements wanting to feel his body on your own, as you deepened the kiss. Your hands in his long hair pulling his body closer to your own, as you felt the hardness come from his trousers.

“This was your plan all along, wasn’t its baby.” He spoke stoically a cocky grin plastered to his face.

You smirked as he let go of your lips, moving his mouth to your neck as he moved your dress down your body, with your collarbone and neck revealed for him. He left marks and sucked on spots making you moan his name loudly.

“I’d…I… would n…never.” The moans engulphed you, you craved him even more.

He had never expected to hear you moan his name, and the sound of it, with you underneath fuelled him even more to continue the act. You closed your eyes as he bit and sucked on your collar before licking the side of your neck. The saltiness it brought making him lick his lips before he went back to kissing you.

The kiss was deeper, quicker than it previously had been, you placed your hands on his exposed chest. The way a single touch from you sent shivers down his spine, “I’ve always like you, y’know.”

“I assumed so.” You giggled, his body was on top of you trapping you between his broad arms and shoulders. It was a sight and you loved it.

You brought yourself up leaning up with your elbows, your dress was half off you and the way he looked at you knew that what would happen tonight had been long awaited from many many years ago.

proceed to part two here

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@samusimp @alaina-rose13 @crispychannie @underratedmage @jennammaee @cathy8taffy @sugacious @moonlightaangel

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akaashisupremacy · 3 years

Text

New Beginnings

Summary: Having broken off your engagement for an arranged marriage with Gojo, your relationship is in shreds. Will you be able to find peace in each other again?

Notes: Gojo Satoru is good-looking, all powerful and beyond good at his job. I’ve always wanted to explore something he struggles with

Gojo Satoru x reader

Multi-fandom Masterlist || HQ Masterlist || Ao3 version

Genre: ANGST AND PINING, exes to friends to ??, commitment issues lol (wc: 1.3k) tw: mention of blood, infedelity-ish

“Sensei, why are we heading to the infirmary?”

Right after Gojo Satoru arrived at the den Itadori Yuuji was staying, Kiyotaka burst in and whispered something in his ear. Gojo’s eyes widened and he immediately set off with Yuuji tailing him.

“What happened to her?” Gojo exclaims.

The three arrive at the infirmary to see you writhing in pain and screaming in agony. There is dark red blood on your side. Gojo looks like someone had been clawing nails at a chalkboard. He hates to see you like this.

Kiyotaka looks for a healer. Yuuji goes to hide. Gojo tries to undo your makeshift bandages. You’re in a blur of pain.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The next thing you remember after your aborted mission is Gojo Satoru’s concerned eyes watching over you. You’re in the Jujutsu Tech infirmary. Your wound is still fresh as hell.

“She’s really beautiful, sensei.” Itadori Yuuji comments quietly from your bedside.

“She is.” Gojo agrees. Your eyes are closed, yet you sense his presence seated on a stool by your bed.

“Is she a former classmate?” Yuuji asks.

“Among other things. She used to be my fiancée too.”

Yuuji probably scrambles at his stance, “Your what????”

Gojo turns to him, “To be clear it wasn’t a love match. We were arranged to be married by our families by 21, but we broke it off.”

Whenever either of you say this, it always leaves more questions than answers.

Your eyes flicker open. You wince as you try to sit up. Gojo immediately reaches out to aid you. Your hands swat him away.

“Welcome back?” He cheekily greets.

You sniff and look the other way. Why did he have to work here?

Beside him is a young student with pink hair. He must be Yuuji.

“Go get her something to eat from the kitchens.” he tells his student, “Something gentle on the stomach and nutritious enough to get her strength back.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing Gojo Satoru is a different kind of pain. You once thought you were to be married to this man. Because you knew it was your obligation to your family, you learned to love him.

You both enter Jujutsu Kaisen at 15, Gojo a year ahead. It was the most painful three years of your life. Gojo was a popular and inexorable flirt. His attention span for romances was short although he was never short on female attention.

He cared for you very much. He protected you, assured you and was one of your best friends, but you’ve come to accept that he could never love you romantically or be faithful. He just wasn’t interested.

It hurt you deeply of course. You had tried so hard to love him and he couldn’t do the same for you. Was something wrong with you? You felt deficient. You took the blame onto yourself.

When you were about to graduate, you decided to take matters into your own hands.

“Gojo, I’m going back home this Sunday, probably for the last time.” you approached him while he sat on a stone bench. He had just come back from a mission.

“Any reason it sounds so dramatic?’ he raised a brow.

“I’m breaking off our engagement to my clan leader.”

Gojo was so taken aback he didn't know how to react. His mouth hung open.

“You don’t love me and I don’t think you can.” you sighed, looking away.

Gojo fiddled with his hands, “I do, just not romantically.”

It bothered you that he loved you like family. How could you be married to him if he couldn't see you as more than a friend?

“I don’t know why you haven’t come up with this idea yourself honestly.” you frowned. You can feel yourself glaring more intensely than you had wanted to project.

A gentle gust of wind blew by, ruffling the hairs on your head.

“I have,” he quietly admitted, “But I was afraid you’d take it personally and I was trying to find a way to spare you the anguish.”

You shook your head and kicked a pebble, “There’s nothing you can do to spare me.”

“I’ll go with you. If you do this alone, your clan will exile you. Maybe if they see that it’s mutual maybe they’ll be kinder.” he resolved. The arranged marriage was important because it solidified an alliance between your families. Breaking it off meant you were essentially having your own insurgency against your clan.

But they weren’t kinder. You were still exiled. It was hardly a surprise. At least you were relieved of the prospects of loveless marriage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

“Can you not watch me eat?” You weakly snap at him.

"I can see you’re still pissed at me.” he acknowledges saintly.

You angrily stuck your spoon on your porridge with all the strength you could muster

“Every time I see you I’m reminded of how I failed to make you love me,” your voice is peeling with emotion, “And how my clan kicked me out because of it.”

Gojo opens his mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. Instead he nods understandingly. He goes to grab you more water.

“Every time I see you hurt like this, it reminds me how I fail at protecting you too.” he murmurs, “I know we’re no longer engaged, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m supposed to keep you from harm.”

He talks with his back away from you, as if you could see through him even without his eyes.

“You didn’t fail at anything,” he continues, “Things couldn’t work out between us because of me. I’ve long since known that I’m not into romantic relationships—at least not in the long term, monogamous way that leads to a wedding and a family. But if I could…I promise…it would be with you.”

“Maybe in a different life.” He adds, reigning in his emotion.

Your face softens at his words. You reach out to hold his hand and he holds you tenderly.

“I didn’t mean to cause you the pain that I have.” he whispers, his voice hoarse.

Tears fall down your eyes. You’ve always carried the blame on yourself. Hearing that from him lifts imaginable weight from your chest. You didn’t realize how badly you needed his apology.

He reaches into his pocket for a handkerchief and wipes away your tears.

“We’ve wasted so many years lost in our own pain.” you mumble back, looking away from him.

“We were too young to deal with the cards that we have been dealt then.” he replies, “You should be kinder to our younger selves.”

He lightly squeezes your hand and for a moment you’re both silent.

“Yeah, I guess I should.” you said with a small smile, “I wish we could press a reset button to start over.”

You hear footsteps entering the infirmary. Itadori Yuuji sees the two of you, hands still entangled in each other. He tries to walk back as if not having seen you.

You both pull away. Strangely you don’t feel embarrassed at all.

“Yuuji, go get a wheelchair. We’re taking our guest for a walk. It’s a beautiful day today.” he instructs, eyes still locked at you. Yuuji nods, glad to be sent away.

He turns to you grinning, “That kid was stunned at how beautiful you are. He told me so on the way back. He only likes Jennifer Lawrence so I guess you’re at par with her.”

You both chuckle and laugh.

“I’ve always wanted to be mistaken for a celebrity.”

“You’re more badass in real life though.” he tilts his head.

“You didn’t need him to get a wheelchair. I can try to walk.” you insist, pushing against the bed rails.

Gojo stands to help you, “The doctor clearly said you need to save your strength. You can walk when we get to the garden.”

“I can’t believe we’re bickering already.” you roll your eyes.

Gojo snorts. You crack a smile. He helps you swing your legs down the bed. Today you start anew, an attempt to reshape how your relationship should’ve been. Today, you finally get some new beginnings.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

General taglist: @itstheee-ha-chan @kaizumi@holaaaf@glxar@francxsca

Series Taglist: @kageyamakock

Like this fic? Check out another Gojo fic here.

The rest of the series: Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 || Part 8

Heyyy if you made it this far. Let me know your thoughts and if you’d like to see the next chapters 🥺 Writing this fic had me feeling so many typa ways hahahaha and I just need to share it with people.

#gojo angst #gojo imagine #gojo scenario #gojo satoru x y/n #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x you #jjk x reader #jjk x y/n #jjk x you #jjk angst #jjk imagines #satoru gojo x y/n #satoru gojo x you #gojou satoru x reader #gojo x y/n #gojo x you #gojo x reader #satoru gojo x reader

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boldlyvoid · 3 years

Text

New Romantics | Part Three

18+

Summary: She needs help studying for her Case Exercises at the Academy, He needs a date for the annual Banquet... they just so happen to be neighbours who aren't afraid to lend a helping hand, or in this case, a helping kiss.

Categories: Fake dating, neighbours, strangers to lovers, mutual pining, Angst with a happy ending, Smut *as selected by my poll on what you wanted to read*

Warnings: Season 9 Spencer (no Maeve arc), Angst, kissing, drinking, police training mentions, case details, canon typical violence, self-doubt, autistic!spencer, age gaps (24/33), FWB relationships, period mentions, anxiety attacks, crying, misunderstandings,

Word Count: 4.7K

a/n: this chapter covers the whole week from Monday to Friday, thank you @awrfhi for making the gif I used here <3

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five

Monday morning she’s in his arms still, and then again on Tuesday; he basically lives with her when he’s not on a case. They make dinner together at night and they drive in together every morning, and they have had sex all over her apartment… and he loves her but he was tired when he said it and in a post-orgasm haze and he’s her best friend.

But he loved her— just not the way she loved him. She was sure of it.

Tuesday morning at 10:53 am, she cracks her fake case. They’re apprehending the unsub by Noon and then she has the rest of the week off. So she heads to the main Quantico building, she gets a visitor's pass and she takes the elevator all the way up to the BAU.

She walks through the bullpen doors and Spencer is sitting at his little desk with his head buried in a book. Penelope sees her first, wrapping her up in a hug that gets everyone’s attention as she rocks her back and forth while telling her how much she likes her.

“You are so pretty, and nice and cute, and your hair smells so good?”

“Thank you, it’s Spencer's shampoo,” she laughs as she holds her back, “I just wanted to come and see him really quick?”

He’s standing beside her and she doesn’t even know until Penelope releases her from her grasp. He wraps her up next, “why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

She kisses him right on the mouth, holding his face in her hands she has missed him too much to wait till they are alone again, “I caught the unsub.”

“No way?”

She nods feverishly, “yeah remember I found that stray hair on the crime scene? Everyone was fighting over why there wasn’t a sexual aspect and I was trying to convince them she was a women unsub when the hair came back matching our victims best friend, who also knew victim number 1.”

He’s so happy, his smile is the biggest any of his teammates have ever seen, he lifts her and twirls her around and no one can believe the sight. Spencer Reid the uptight, overly smart, always following proper procedure, Doctor at the FBI; was spinning his girlfriend around as he kissed her cheek.

“You are a genius,” he compliments her as he sets her back down and places another kiss on her lips.

“I know,” she laughs, “I beat your score by one day.”

“I hate you,” he kisses her again and by now they don’t realize they have an audience. It’s incredibly convincing to everyone except each other.

“No, you love me,” she whispers, kissing him again before they hear someone clear their throat.

“Do you want to help with ours?” Derek asks, jumping into the moment and reminding them that they’re in public. “We’re just doing non-urgent consults today.”

“Am I allowed?” She lights up.

Derek nods, “I don’t see why not, as long as you just tell your ideas to us and don’t file anything then I think it’s legal?”

So she helps and it’s the most exhilarating thing since having sex with Spencer. She’s in her element, looking at small details and making connections that even leave Spencer humming and ha-ing. She has a younger insight than the rest of the team, she’s exactly why they hired Spencer in the first place and now she was shining brighter than him.

But he loved it.

Every time she made a connection or she had a suggestion that helped one of them on their own train of thought, Spencer would smile at her like she hung the stars in the night sky. He was proud of her in a way she hasn’t seen in many people before, filling her heart with warmth and hope that maybe he can love her for real one day.

—

She was possibly the love of his life and the more he saw her work and the more he knew her mind; the more he fell. She walked around his office and talked to his friends as if she was always meant to be there, and a part of him really wanted her to be.

He snuck away to go talk to Hotch, closing his office door as he sat down, “what’s wrong?”

“Y/N isn’t really my girlfriend,” he whispers. “She’s pretending so I could get everyone to stop bothering me about dating, and I understand it looks like she’s using me to get close to the team but I really do think she would be an excellent asset to the unit even if she was just in the office—“

“Reid,” Hotch cuts him off and a smile builds. “I already sent her an offer to take Anderson's job while he’s out on paternity leave.”

“Oh,” he smiles to himself. “Pretend I never said anything.”

“It stays in these 4 walls, don’t worry,” Hotch smiles back, “but you should tell her.”

“Tell her what?”

“That you’re in love with her.”

“I’m not,” he lies, “really, I do love her but I’m not in love with her, there is a difference.”

“I know,” Hotch reminds him. “Did you know that I only joined the school musical to get close to Haley? I did whatever I could to get her to fall in love with me and didn’t even realize it when she did because I was so worried she didn’t.”

“Oh.”

Hotch nods with another smile, “you don’t have to tell her until you’re ready, obviously, but you should tell her before it’s too late.”

“I will,” he whispers. “Thanks, Aaron.”

“Why don’t you guys head out early?” He offers, “we could all use a day off with the people we love.”

When he walks back down from Aaron's office, Y/N is with Emily and JJ discussing how she caught her fake unsub at school that morning. She doesn’t brag, she loves to mention her classmates by name and verbatim explains how they helped her. She is a team player, a genius, beautiful, kind… she really is the love of his life.

“Hey,” he places his hand on her lower back as he slides into the conversation. “Hotch said we can all leave early if we wanted?”

“Sure,” she smiles, “actually, did you want to come with me to buy a dress for your thing?”

“That would be fun,” he agrees, wrapping his other arm around her so he can rest his chin on her shoulder and hold her. “Remember I’m buying it so don’t stress about the price.”

“You’re too nice to me,” she replies.

“I just love you,” his voice is as low as he can make it but everyone still hears.

She holds him back tighter, in a silent ‘I love you, too’ and they hear JJ and Emily swoon.

They’re quick to get their things and head out, she hands Spencer her keys and lets him drive to the mall so she can relax, she’s done a lot today.

She’s so quiet on the drive, she holds his hand like she always does and she just looks out the window, she’s peaceful and content with the nothingness of spending alone time with Spencer. They were always just quiet together, sometimes they laughed till they cried and sometimes he could make her scream but most of the time they were quiet.

“Have you checked your email?”

She smiles as she turns to him and her grip on his hand tightened, “what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything, I just told hotch the truth so that he could offer you a job, but he already had before I went in there but he’s a good secret keeper, believe me.”

“Oh,” her smile disappears. “So he knows we’re not really dating?”

He nods, “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, I guess we’re going to have to find a convincing way to break up for them and still be able to hang out all the time,” she worries aloud. “Because I don’t want to stop this any time soon, I hope you know that. I really like spending time with you.”

“I feel the same way,” he agrees. “I promise, we can just tell them we work better as friends and they might believe us?”

“I don’t think they will,” she frowns again. “JJ told me not to break your heart today, but I feel like if we break up I’m going to break all of theirs.”

“We could have a fake ugly breakup, and not talk to each other publicly for a bit and then be friends again?” He suggests, “Penelope and Kevin did that.”

She nods, still frowning. She interlocks their fingers this time and she holds his hand instead of just anxiously fiddling with his fingers. She really doesn’t want to let go, and he’s almost convinced she feels the same way.

The banquet is on Saturday, she has one last week of school before her graduation and then they’re done. He thinks about asking her, about what would be the best time to tell her he was in love with her and ask her to be his real girlfriend.

Maybe he’ll do it after the banquet? Maybe he’ll do it after her graduation? He just really wants to do it before she meets his mom. He wants his mom to meet her as the love of his life and his best friend.

He hated many things, but as he kept glancing at her as he drove he realized he hated one thing most of all. He hated that he couldn’t love her as much as she deserved, at least not yet. He wanted to shower her in love, he wanted to protect her and care for her, he wanted to show her off and make love to her and never leave her side.

It hurts, his heart physically aches as he thinks about that. If he had to feel like this to know his love was real, then the pain was worth it. She was always worth it, and he would hurt as long as possible, forever even, if it meant he could be around her just as long.

He held her hand tighter in the silence which made her turn to him, he had no idea he had been crying until she leans over and wipes his cheeks, “I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too,” he smiles but he can’t keep the conversation there, he’s feeling trapped and so he changes the topic. “What colour dress were you thinking?”

The quick-change makes her laugh, “probably black.”

“Are you sure?”

She nods, “I don’t need to stand out beside you any more than I already do.”

“What does that mean?”

She bits her lip, “some of the people in my class are saying that I’m only doing so well because you’re helping me cheat and that I’m just fucking you to get a job… just like I thought they would.”

“At the end of the day, we have a friendship they will never understand, we have great sex because we want to, you’re smarter than me, and the BAU wants you… so who is the real winner?” He’s always going to be her number one cheerleader.

“You’re right,” she smiles again finally, “as always.”

—

He convinces her to get a red dress.

She hasn’t had a pretty dress like this one since her prom and that was 6 years ago. She hasn’t been to a party or mingled with people in just as long, she didn’t realize how lonely she had been while chasing her dreams until Spencer came along.

He was one of the dreams. She saw him talk once, years ago on a school trip, and she fell in love with him a little, even back then. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to be him or be with him back then, doing everything in her power to get into the criminal psych degree at her local college, she just wanted to be like him.

Now she’s liked by him.

Every night he goes to his home across the hall and he does his own nightly routine before coming back to her apartment for the night. She’s too emotional to sleep with him today, she knows that if she has sex with him she’s going to say something stupid or cry after because being this close to him without being honest with him is killing her.

Something in him has changed too, he’s less scared to initiate contact, he doesn’t jump anymore when she hugs him or when she smacks his bum as she passes him. Now he’s wrapping his arms around her while she cooks dinner, and he kisses her cheek randomly when they’re in public.

He tells her that he loves her.

She’s confused and she has no one to talk to about it.

She lays back against her pillows and closes her eyes, she knows she’s going to cry soon, and she doesn’t know what to do because she doesn’t want to cry in front of him and he would be upset if she told him to not come back tonight.

The stress of the situation just makes her cry more as she stresses herself into another anxiety attack, much like the first night she talked to him. She just lets it happen, the anxiety in her stomach builds and the tears slip past her eyes and suddenly she’s sobbing into her pillow hard enough that she doesn’t hear him come back.

She jumps at the feeling of his hand on her back as he sits on the edge of the bed, “what’s wrong?”

She just sits up and hugs him, and he hugs her back and they stay there like that for a while. When she calms down, she pulls back from him and wipes her eyes, “my period is coming.” She’s not really lying, and he believes her.

“Does it normally make you this emotional?”

He’s never really experienced her mood swings, he has no idea what he’s in for, she nods. “Yeah, and I have really bad anxiety which just gets worse around this time.”

“And you’re not on anything?”

She shakes her head, “I’m waiting to get onto the good healthcare when I get a job with the bureau, I can’t afford to work and go to school, I’m glad I had enough scholarship money left to rent this place long enough to go to the academy.”

“Oh.”

She just nods, “I’ve never had much money like my parents have been saving for 2 years to buy plane tickets to Virginia so that they can see me graduate. They started saving before I even got in. I went to community college on a scholarship and I get a lot of money from applying for bursaries.”

“Are you going to take the CARD job or the BAU offer?”

She shrugs, “I’m not sure yet, but probably CARD.”

“Why?”

“I can’t work with you,” she whispers. “It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be there like I’m using you and that all my work isn’t that great. I’m just Doctor Spencer Reids girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, imposter syndrome is a leading factor in depression among child prodigies, once you reach a certain age and you stop receiving awards for your work, it’s hard to believe that you’re still doing a good job.”

She knows he gets it, he has probably said the same fact to himself to calm down before. “Thank you.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

She nods, pulling back the covers and moving over so he can snuggle in beside her. She holds him, resting her head on his chest and taking a deep inhale of his cologne, this was the love of her life and if this was as close as she was ever going to be to him, she was going to take it.

He kisses the top of her head and holds her in his arms at just the right pressure to calm her down. She feels so comfortable with him but she still feels like shit, she doesn’t stop crying, and he just holds her through it.

“Do you want to tell me what’s really wrong?” He whispers after a while, he sounds worried.

“No,” she whispers. “I can’t.”

“Is it about me?”

“Yeah,” she cries again, “and I don’t have any other friends to talk to about us and now you’ve told hotch and I have no one to talk to about how this is kinda stressing me out.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” his voice is still scared and she knows he’s going to panic regardless and just send them around in a circle of constant anxiety. But his tone is more apologetic than one fuck up.

“Who else did you tell?” She sits up, “I thought this was just between us?”

“I needed advice, the same reason you are reacting right now, you’re stressing me out,” Spencer finally talks back with passion and she knows they’re about to fight for no reason.

“I never said you were stressing me out. I said our situation was, but I think I need to sleep alone now, Spencer” she’s confident and stern even though she’s crying.

“We can’t go to bed mad at each other. You even said the mornings are the worst, we can’t hate each other for no reason tomorrow,” he starts to cry, not knowing where he went wrong and she can see it on his face.

“I just don’t have what you have, and I’ve always been trying to copy you…”

“What?”

She sighs and wipes her tears, “I have had a big fat, fan-girly, crush on you since I was 18, I came here with my class to watch you do a talk on philias and phobias and then I knew I wanted to get into the academy and I wanted to beat your record and join the BAU, and I just thought; one day I’m going to be friends with this guy and catch bad guys with him and now I am and I’m so alone.”

“You have me?”

“I know,” she tries to smile, “but I only have you and I can tell you almost everything. Like my biggest stressor right now is that if just looking at fake crime scenes for 3 weeks has made me this anxious; what if I’m not cut out for this? What if I get to a real crime scene and I pass out or—“

“That’s only human,” he presses his lips together, awkwardly, and very Spencerly. “If you didn’t feel like this job makes you hate the world and untrusting of everyone around you; then I would think you’re crazy.”

“How do you do it?”

“I open up and let people in, but I typically wait till I’m at my lowest; crying in my friend's arms because I don’t know what to do anymore,” he smiles again, wider and toothy as she smiles back.

“Thank you,” she can’t help but tilt her head and smile as her heart settles and her brain calms down a bit, “I love you.”

“Can I kiss you or is that too much right now?”

She gets in closer to him, laying back down on the pillow and looking at him. They’re closer enough to kiss, and she just takes a moment to look at him, resting her hand on his cheek as he wraps around her waist and pulls her in closer.

“We’re okay?” He asks with his lips right against her, his breath is hot and he smells like toothpaste.

“We’re okay, but no more talking tonight, okay?” She whispers.

He nods, leaning in and kissing her finally. She knows she shouldn’t be kissing him, she knows that she should be mad at herself, but she also knew that even just pretending that he loved her back was good enough.

—

He gets called away to a case on Wednesday morning, he’s too busy to really call her and he doesn’t text back. He feels bad about it but he knows she wanted space to think anyway, what he didn’t expect was for her to reach out to Penelope.

She’s in the office with her on Friday, tired of Spencer ignoring her so she went to the one place he couldn’t avoid her; Penelope’s office.

“How can I help you today, my fine furry friends?” Y/N answers the phone with a smirk, copying Penelope’s line perfectly, they can hear them high five through the line.

“Y/N?” Spencer is the first to catch it, “what are you doing there?”

“I came to meet Anderson and see if I’d like to take his job or not,” she teases, pretending she wasn’t there just to bother him.

Hotch cuts in, asking the question he needed to ask before hanging up, “not sure what’s going on at home but we’re too close to cracking this case for schoolyard games.”

“Yes sir,” he nods and looks away, retreating to the other side of the room to stare at the map and pretend to find connections.

“Crack this and you can go home to her,” Derek whispers with a smile, thinking he’s helping the situation.

“That’s not where I want to be right now.”

“Woah,” Derek catches it, “what happened?”

“Nothing,” he’s quick to get him to stop it but he really wants advice, “she’s stressed out and she took it out on me and I wasn’t very nice back.”

“You said sorry and you pretended you were over it, didn’t you?”

He turns away from Derek with a nod, he wants to come out with it and get it over with and he’s so mad and embarrassed he just starts to cry a little, “I don’t want to lose her.”

“How could you?”

“You have no idea,” he rolls his eyes lightly and scoffs, confusing Derek.

“And I won't unless you want to talk to someone about what’s really bothering you, but you’ve been happier since you met her and I like seeing you happy, and Savannah likes double dates,” he scolds him with a smile, patting his shoulder lightly. “now let's crack this and maybe on the plane you will tell me what’s up?”

“Sure,” he says, but he doesn’t want to.

However, Derek Morgan is good at a lot of things, and one of those things is getting Spencer to calm down enough to tell him anything. Everyone is asleep on the plane, it’s just the two of them at the back together when Spencer finally feels confident enough to say it.

“I lied to you, a long time ago… and it’s just the first one.”

Derek doesn’t look angry, “okay, explain your thought process. I need to know how this pretty brain of yours works.”

He smiles a bit, “I slept with Elle the night before she shot that rapist in Ohio.”

“You did not?” Derek's voice gets a little too loud and they stop to make sure no one woke up.

“I did, but you still always made jokes about finally getting me some lovin’ and it bothered me for a while and I never told you, instead I offered to help my neighbour with her homework if she pretended to date me,” his voice lowers as the words continue and he only stares at the table between them.

“Spencer, I’m sorry,” Derek apologizes first. “I didn’t know I was upsetting you, is there anything else I do that upsets you?”

He shakes his head in a silent no, still not looking at him, he can't.

“What happened between you and Y/N?” He jumps to the main issue, fine with what happened because he feels bad for causing the issue in the first place.

“We started sleeping together.”

Derek sighs, “you have such a big brain, you can remember everything she’s ever said to you and yet you can’t see that she’s in love with you.”

“She’s good at pretending,” he pushes it away.

“No she’s not, because she’s pretending she doesn’t love you right now; the same way you are and you’re both fucking it up for each other,” Derek gives it to him straight. “You have always been loveable, but you have a very hard time accepting it, Spencer.”

“Yeah,” he starts to cry a little more.

“Go home and talk to her and tell her the truth,” it’s the best advice he can give and Spencer knows it. “What’s the worst that can go wrong?”

“She does love me back but in a few years, she realizes I’m too much and she leaves me,” his voice is the saddest Derek has ever heard it.

He gets up from his seat and hugs Spencer, sliding into the seat beside him and wrapping his arms around him, “you have never been too much. You just surround yourself with people who aren’t good enough to love you for who you are.”

“She’s better than me.”

“Which is exactly what I mean, she’s not going to leave you, believe me, once you love Spencer Reid for who he really is, it’s hard to stop,” he speaks from experience, thinking of what could have been between them if either of them had tried harder in the past.

“She’s the love of my life,” he confirms, “I’m never going to love anyone else the way I love her.”

They get the word that they’re going to be landing soon, Spencer wipes his tears and buckles in for the descent, avoiding everyone’s stares and questions on the ride back to headquarters. He’s nervous to see her, he knows his face is puffy and she’ll be there waiting for him with Penelope, but he has to do it.

“Would you wait here, I need to tell her now and she might not give me a ride home if it doesn’t go well,” he asks Derek before heading to Penelope, “she was already mad at me for telling Hotch the truth.”

“Okay, sure,” Derek smiles, reaching out a hand for Spencer, “come to me when you need me next time, okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees with a small smile, heading out to find his fake girlfriend.

She’s not with Penelope, no she’s in the filing room with Anderson and the other temps all talking and laughing, and it sounds far too interesting to interrupt. He waits outside the door and smiles at her laughter until he hears it.

“So be honest,” Agent Camden asks, “are you sleeping with Reid for this job?”

“If I was sleeping my way to the top, don’t you think I would have picked Morgan? Or Prentiss even?” She laughs and it’s like someone stabs a knife through his heart.

He turns around and heads back to Derek, “take me home.”

“Okay,” he doesn’t pry, he just grabs his coat and keys and follows Spencer to the garage.

—

He’s really ignoring her.

She finds out from Emily that Spencer left with Derek, and that he looked rather pissed off when he asked for a ride. It breaks her heart a little and she doesn’t know what to do next, she just drives home and finds herself knocking on his door.

“Let me in, please, Spencer!” She begs from behind his door.

He opens it and looks at her with a puffy red face, tear-stained cheeks and swollen lips, he’s been crying for a while. “What?”

“What did I do?”

“You slept with me,” he whispers, “and I told you I wouldn’t react well.”

“Is it my fault you’re crying?” She asks softly and he nods, “do you want to tell me?”

He closes his eyes and shakes his head, “are we still going to the banquet together tomorrow?”

“I really fucked up,” is all he can muster, crying again as he closes the door and goes to cry in his room.

She just opens the door again and follows him inside. Kicking off her shoes she crawls into bed beside him and wraps herself around him, “you don’t have to tell me but I am here for you, always.”

“I love you,” he says it like it’s the problem before he rests his head in the crook of her neck and holds her back for the first time in days.

“I love you, too, Spencer,” she cries along with him. They cry until he’s asleep and she’s just there holding him in her jeans and she’s really uncomfortable but she loves him too much to let go.

“More than you will ever know.”

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magicofthepen · 2 years

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Time War 4 Thoughts

I did a big reaction post after Time War 3 came out, and I meant to do one after Time War 4 came out, but life was busy and then I felt the need to relisten to and comment on all of Gallifrey first, whoops. So, one year late, here are my extended Time War 4 thoughts!

(Note that this post contains discussions of suicidal ideation and attempted suicide because I have to talk about Time War 4 in the context of Unity.)

Deception

Narvin and Leela are….not emotionally distraught enough at the beginning of Deception. To be fair, I can understand Narvin bottling up his emotions—he had to squash his own feelings and instincts to respect Romana’s wishes and get Leela to safety, he can’t openly grieve his own choices in front of Leela when she’s angry at him for those same choices. But Leela should be emotionally fucked up in so many ways right then, and I really don’t get that from the opening.

“Your mother would want you to be safe.” / “My mother would want me to do what’s right.” They’re sort of both right—Veega has a strong protective impulse but also cares a lot about doing good—but Narvin is more right about what Veega would want. And Rayo probably knows that all Veega wanted was to give him the best life she could, and she wouldn’t want him throwing himself into danger. So he might be trying to convince Narvin that other things are more important—to her and to him. But it’s an interesting exchange because Narvin barely interacted with Veega, and yet Gets her core motivation.

The resistance retcon is…..a choice. It’s not awful, and it’s not surprising, since Time War 4 had to have a plot somehow, but. Time War 3 never mentions Romana and Narvin coming across the resistance, and it doesn’t feel like they have. “Finding Leela is the last good thing they can still do, and they are pinning all their remaining hope on this quest with no clear direction for what happens after they find her” and “they have a chance to work with the resistance but are actively choosing to find Leela instead, with specific plans for all three of them join the resistance later” are two different stories, and Time War 3 is definitely the former. Even when Romana talks briefly about finding other friends if Leela chooses not to stay with them, it doesn’t sound like a concrete plan.

The desperation of their quest, the fact that it’s the only thing keeping them going, makes it hurt all the more when Leela rejects them. And if finding Leela was supposed to be Romana’s One Last Good Thing, then it makes terrible sense for her to choose to throw herself at the Daleks when the reunion isn’t a happy one—she believes there isn’t any more good she can do in this universe. The other story could work! An active choice to walk away from the resistance after they’ve both been fighting for A Cause for so long, because this time they have to put their friend first….that would be an interesting character story! It just….is not what Time War 3 was, so it’s strange to have Time War 4 suddenly go “oh they’ve been in contact with the resistance all along!”

So Narvin says some people recognize Leela, but later Eris doesn’t recognize Leela (despite the fact that he worked in the CIA, and she also worked with the CIA)…..vaguely confused here about how well known Leela was on Gallifrey before she disappeared.

“You will tell them she is no longer herself?” This line is extremely pointed, but it doesn’t seem plausible that Leela knows the truth about Romana at this point. I guess she’s just suspicious because Narvin seems to be hiding something….still the way this line is delivered, it makes it seem like she knows exactly what Narvin is hiding, which is strange.

Let Rayo Say Fuck!

I do like the “who are you, wait you’re X” shenanigans of this opening (like Rayo meeting Eris and Yakob). It’s fun! I like characters who have people they mutually know meeting for the first time, and that clash of personalities and experiences! Eris and Rayo barely get to interact, but I do think, given much, much more time, that would have been an interesting dynamic to explore.

I love the “Empire Strikes Back” vibes here—the secret base being discovered and everyone having to evacuate and being scattered. (But this adds to it not feeling like a Final Boxset—characters being separated and having these solo adventures feels more “middle of the story.”)

“Leela? As in, Romana’s Leela?” okay I am once again wondering how Eris knew who Leela was, knew that she worked closely with Romana, but couldn’t recognize her (unless there’s something to be said here about Time Lords not being great about facial recognition, and Leela not having a recognizable telepathic signature because Eris had never personally interacted with her, also she’s human? I know I’m overthinking this shhhhh)

Wait, this is the point when Leela and Rayo are separated........and they never see each other again.........and there’s not a lot of emotion around that, and I hate it actually.

“I’ve kidnapped you and I haven’t even introduced myself.” Leaning into the Eris/Doctor parallels early I see. 😄

The way Leela doesn’t answer when Eris says “where’s Romana?”…..ouch ouch ouch.

So there are rumors that the Daleks have captured/killed Romana (“who are your sources?”)….okay this is genuinely very confusing. A major point in Unity was that the Time Lords can’t know about Unity because they would destroy it? But if they’ve found out about Romana confronting the Daleks (how, she was alone when that happened and then was immediately kidnapped by Brax??), how do they not know about the bigger picture of what the Daleks are doing on Unity? Does Rassilon just not care as much these days? None of this makes sense, I’ll probably just end up ignoring it.

“Romana wouldn’t betray us. Not to them.” / “Don’t be ridiculous. She’s got more integrity than – ” / “Romana won’t talk, she’d rather die.” Love Livia’s ride or die respect for Romana. Although I do wish 1. Livia’s story in TW4 had been contained to this episode, and 2. that she hadn’t already been working with the resistance and had to struggle about whether or not to help them and eventually make the choice to aid them (possibly at the cost of her own life). Livia’s whole deal has been prioritizing her own position and safety over doing the right thing, and the only time she risked herself for the greater good was when Romana was there to badger her into picking a side. Thematically, Livia making the choice to be like Romana when Romana isn’t there to motivate her would be really solid conclusion to her arc—and that conclusion could totally have come in the first episode alone.

ohhh Leela is so, so done—the specific accusation of “weak” really stings given everything she’s been through physically and emotionally.

“You speak of Romana. Did she never mention me?” oh Leela, Rayo had never heard Romana and Narvin’s names before they showed up, and you raised him his whole life! But actually I really like this moment for her hypocrisy and how it complicates her bitterness towards Romana and Narvin—and shows that she still has a lot of feelings towards Romana and that initial anger she had on Unity would have fizzled, given time.

“They are my friends—I have to try.” The fact that’s Leela decides she likes Eris because he’s willing to die to try to save his friends 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

As always, I don’t like Time War 4’s weird prioritization of Sholan over Rayo as “Leela’s son”—doesn’t feel supportive of adoption and chosen family narratives.

Related point: Time War 4 does not let Leela grieve Veega at all! Veega’s name isn’t even mentioned! She’s only referred to as Rayo’s mother, her relationship with Leela isn’t given any emotional weight, and I’m angry about it!

“I was furious.” Once again, we see how Leela turns to anger as a way to avoid fear and grief…..

I’m not sure I’m following the tangle of spies here. Yakob lies to Eris and says it wasn’t Gallifrey who ruptured the shield when actually it was, so he’s lying to the Resistance…..and to Gallifrey? Who is he a double agent for? Is he currently employed on Gallifrey? Did Mantus hire him as a double agent and then he became a triple agent by working for Livia?

Leela told Eris about Romana offscreen apparently?

Dissolution

Note to self: the Daleks in this episode were a small Dalek ambush waiting behind the main, presumably Gallifreyan, attack on the base.

“No wonder she didn’t trust you.” ouch but hell yeah, I love the messy dynamics here (although I’m still firmly on Team “it was more important that Leela and Narvin have time to talk, so they should have been stuck together for this episode.”)

“There’s so much green.” “The air tastes weird.” Rayo gets to a cleaner, better world....which is exactly what Veega and Leela would have wanted for him….🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

“What are all those leaves?” “Plants aren’t exactly my department.” lol

Clearly whatever attempts they made to cover their tracks on Unity didn’t work—not that that was ever actually the point of Romana staying behind, but it was her cover story so 😬. Another reason why Leela should have been with this story—imagine her reckoning with the fact that Romana supposedly stayed behind so the Daleks wouldn’t find the rest of them, but that didn’t work, so what was her sacrifice even for? And meanwhile, Narvin’s right there knowing that excuse was bullshit! but already regretting supporting Romana’s wishes in her exhausted, self-hating emotional state and not wanting to tell Leela the truth (also because he promised he wouldn’t)…..there could have been so many emotions to unpack here!

“and it’s occupants identified” It’s somewhat funny that the Daleks got a clip of Narvin and Romana in Unity and instantly ID-ed Romana, but have been stuck going who is this other one?? this whole time. How has Narvin not had enough run-ins with the Daleks?? Is Romana’s Main Character Energy simply striking again? 😄

Old mentor alone for a while....Soldier Obscura vibes but much less fucked up

“I’ve found that when the body needs rest, the best thing to do is to listen to it.” “Tell me cousin, when was the last time you ate?” Love that Time War 3 and Time War 4 both have an episode where side characters insist on main characters eating and getting some sleep (thanks Lou Morgan).

Narvin going “Romana would have called it” and then immediately being compromised by feelings....“I used to think there was no place for sentimentality in all this. I truly believed it. And now.…it seems to be all I have left. Romana gone, and – Rayo was Leela’s responsibility! He was hers! And when I left her on Nisteria - when I chose to leave her - I made him mine.”….Narvin talking about all the guilt he’s had to deal with….I do love that this episode is about giving Narvin the space to feel his feelings, especially since he had to neglect his own emotions on Unity because Romana and Leela were busy having big messy emotional reactions and someone had to be the calm one.

The Apothecary is the only valid Time Lord, 10/10 for encouraging Narvin and Rayo to discuss emotions.

Rayo is so distressed and worried about Leela! The fact that he never sees her again and doesn’t get a goodbye isn’t narratively satisfying at all! Once again I’m in favor of a version of this story where Leela is there!

“Rayo....I don’t think either of us are fine.” I’m proud of you, Narvin

“Other than the rock this Citadel was built on, there’s nothing here but ocean.” (Note to self that this planet has a very small landmass/very limited living space.)

“Leela told us about oceans, me and mum. She told us there were places where there was water as far as you could see.” (also note to self that Veega has never lived near or seen an ocean.)

Narvin dismissing the concept of a vacation is alas, very in character.

“But even when we were on opposite sides, I think I understood her better than I did any of my own chapter. And I think, perhaps, she understood me, too.” “Doesn’t that make her your family then?” I’m now thinking about this conversation in terms of What Family Actually Means to Narvin vs. Rayo….Because Rayo’s conception of family is shaped by being raised by Veega and Leela – it’s family as the people you love and protect, the people who you turn to at the end of the day to understand you and be there for you. He means this in a positive way – that Romana might not literally be Narvin’s family, but they have this sort of relationship. But because Narvin sees family as something restrictive, something that puts expectations on you that you either have to conform to or run away from (Gallifrey is very focused on tradition and status and social and political allegiances and the idea of family seems very bound up in all that too), calling someone family isn’t a compliment, it’s just what some people legally are? Idk where I’m going here, but as someone who has all the found family feelings all the time, it’s interesting to think about how Family as a label doesn’t necessarily have that connotation/expectation of strong emotional bonds on Gallifrey (and how Friend is perhaps a lot more emotionally significant and subversive – someone you genuinely like and choose to spend time with without it being wrapped up in any formal allegiances and power plays).

“If I’d had any choice, it wouldn’t have been here. But when that Dalek ship was firing on us and the TARDIS began to come apart—I had to do something. And the telepathic circuits on these models—so unreliable. We could have ended up anywhere. Or, nowhere.” — this note is very self-indulgent, but since I wrote chapters in my Time War 3 fic where Narvin has an emotionally and mentally difficult experience involving that TARDIS’s telepathic circuits, I do enjoy that he talks about the telepathic circuits being consistently unreliable in Time War 4 😊

I feel like this episode is quietly smashing any “Narvin is secretly artistic” headcanons….although it could still mayyybe work, if it was very secret?

“I intend to make a difference.” “You mean, make a name for yourself.” “Aren’t they the same thing?” uhhh making a name for himself was never Narvin’s deal – it was never about him, it was about protecting and serving Gallifrey. I can buy him being frustrated about wanting to be respected and not getting that respect though, so maybe if I read this exchange through that lens? Still, it feels off.

Rayo’s shocked that they can just pick vegetables out of the ground/that they aren’t contaminated, but in Unity Veega says something about there not being much to eat around, and it sounds like the ingredients for stew either came from growing them or foraging for them? Might have to just ignore this comment, but I am trying to think about how to reconcile them because I enjoy thinking too much about life logistics on Unity.

“That boy is carrying more weight than he can bear.” Rayo 🥺

“Rather a lot on my mind.” “They’re on your mind, aren’t they? Both of them.” So throughout this episode the Apothecary, who hangs out on another planet and has never ever seen Narvin interact with Leela or Romana, finds the intensity of Narvin’s feelings for both of them totally normal and unsurprising….I now have many questions about what gossip she has heard from Gallifrey about the ot3 (and from who??)

I like that Narvin explicitly talks about regretting leaving Romana behind, it absolutely makes sense that he would think leaving her was a terrible idea once he had a moment to think properly.

I kind of doubt that Narvin never thought Romana was foolish…..

oh the difference in tone of voice between soft, regretful Narvin and angry, snarky Narvin is very good.

Rayo throwing himself into fighting as a way of coping is so very like Leela, I’m hurting 🥺

“Gallifrey can burn for all I care.” He definitely doesn’t mean it, but oh god it’s a line that really shows the depth of his grief

Narvin telling Rayo the truth about what happened on Unity is a scene that should have happened between Narvin and Leela!! I know we all keep saying this, but I’m going to say it again!!

The “not being a coward” narrative in this episode is so weird considering Narvin’s already proven his bravery time and time again—and look, the Door Scene already did “Narvin chooses to stay and fight through to the end instead of running away” so well, this feels like it’s trying to be a weird re-hash of that moment??

“And when they need it, we will be here to welcome them all back. Even you.” / “You and I both knew that when you want there to be a way, you can usually find one.” Maybe it’s just that “choosing to step out of the war and build a safe house and save who they can” would have been a way to have a more hopeful ending for Gallifrey: Time War, but. the way the Apothecary kept emphasizing that there would always be a place for Narvin and other Time Lords on this planet, that he would find a way back there when he needed to—I thought this was going to circle back in episode 4, and the characters would find a way back there and choose to stay. I really thought they were laying the groundwork here for that ending. Alas.

“You think she’ll be proud of that? Of me?” “Absolutely.” Them being so awkwardly emotional in the thank you scene 🥺

I wish there’d been more discussion of wanting to bring Leela back to Rayo. I do like this ending for Rayo as an individual! But the idea of him making that decision without ever saying goodbye to Leela is devastating, and I don’t feel the weight of that devastation in the episode. Rayo’s one mother just died, and he’s losing the other one forever too?? No no no, if Rayo was going to part ways with Narvin and Leela, he should have had a chance to have that conversation with Leela herself.

🙄 once again at that last minute rescue of Romana

Beyond

So. Beyond is supposed to be the immediate aftermath of Unity, but it doesn’t feel like this episode grasps that. The opening doesn’t really reflect Romana’s mental state—the only way I can tilt my head and make it work is if she’s trying not to show vulnerability in front of Brax (because they’ve never really done that in front of each other, they’ve always Had To present an idealized version of themselves in front of each other), and then the episode is that mask gradually deteriorating.

There’s a lot of focus on “where are we” and not “where the hell have you been” —and in general, Romana jumps into going outside very quickly and is more focused on potential dangers vs. why she’s been brought to wherever they are. (I mean, those questions come up, but far too late into the episode for my taste.)

“Also you are possibly the only person in the universe who I trust.” — I would be offended on behalf of Benny (even though I don’t even go there) but like. this is a lie. we’re meant to assume he’s lying to try to flatter her…..right?

A big issue I have with this episode is that they launch right into plot and go on with plot for a while without digging deep into any fraught emotional dynamics—Romana does question Brax but not as much as it seems like she should?

ohh there was an Emotion in Romana and alt!Narvin’s goodbye that reminded me of Unity.

“That sounds like a politician’s empty slogan.” “And you should know.” ooh love how that one’s meant to sting.

See one aspect of Brax’s stated “wipe the Daleks from existence plan” that’s interesting is that if the Daleks don’t exist, there gets to be a Romana who was never traumatized by the Daleks. Unity is kind of….the endgame of a lot of Romana’s untreated issues, but especially her untreated PTSD from being a Dalek prisoner. Turning herself over to the Daleks feels like her resigning herself to the fact that it was always meant to end this way—there isn’t a future for her anymore, she was meant to die at the Daleks’ hands, she deserves to. And Brax is yanking her out of that immediate situation, but that doesn’t fix the long-term problem. I could see “let’s meddle with time so she’s less suicidal” as a Brax plan—wiping out the Daleks seems too much of a sledgehammer for his usual style, but maybe he is that desperate at this point, even knowing that trying to eliminate the Daleks sparked the war in the first place.

(Now of course, the end of Beyond switches up Brax’s motivations, negating the above thoughts, but those later motivations don’t make any sense at all so I’m simply going to have to ignore them.)

I feel like Ace McShane should be mentioned at least once in this episode. I feel like that’s not too much to ask.

Brax is genuinely having an Emotion about not being Appreciated Enough and I am into it, especially because Romana has put him on a pedestal as The Person Who Will Fix Things in the past, just as he’s put her on a pedestal…..Beyond is almost onto something here, but I wish it dug deeper.

I like the arguing about how she’s had to squeeze things from him—actually I like any arguing full stop in this episode because Brax suddenly appearing at this point in time to rescue Romana (from trying to kill herself) feels like the perfect setup for intense arguments—his refusal to respect her autonomy vs. her refusal to acknowledge that sacrificing herself is not the Morally Good thing she frames it as, she’s just hurting! The fact that they both Believed in each other’s ability to fix things on some level, but the universe is still broken in the end. That both of them are messier, more flawed people than they pretend to be to each other. This feels like it should be such an angry, fraught episode, so I love those moments of anger that do exist—especially honest anger.

“It might just stop you from becoming that person—that’s what at stake here.” “But you’re meant to be the best of us—so if it means saving you, then it’s worth it.” Again, this actually works as a motivation for Brax! (rewrite the timeline to keep her from Falling—not just dying, but falling from that pedestal. “you’re meant to be the best of us”—oh there is a lot simmering underneath those words, and I have feelings about it, and I find it so weird that they made Brax’s motivations less plausible as the episode went on.)

“I just wish there was some way I could talk to her. Tell her I’m sorry.” god the fact that Romana can’t speak to Leela! It feels like an echo of Unity (she got to say a proper goodbye to Narvin but not to Leela….she got to speak to a version of Narvin again but not a version of Leela….) The heartbreak in that line absolutely shatters me.

In general the Leela scene is So Good and So Devastating, especially when it’s mixed up with all that guilt about Unity! And….is this the first time Romana cries in front of Brax? I feel the need to relisten to all the episodes with Brax and pay closer attention. but when I think about Romana’s main moments of emotional vulnerability throughout the series—moments when she actually shows how upset or afraid she is—they’re with other characters (or by herself). The more I think about it, the more I like looking at this episode as a deterioration of the masks they each wear around each other (even if I wish it leaned more into that narrative), and Romana’s emotional breakdown here is part of that arc.

Brax’s speech about vengeful action as something that you can’t forgive yourself for, but that still makes sense and doesn’t make you evil absolutely sounds like him trying to justify something to himself, even if I can’t really point to One Thing he’s trying to justify? The delivery just sounded very “my words are saying this is about you, but my subtext is saying this is about me.”

“runs in the family” — Nice reference there, also I love the cryptic convo about the Doctor (the fact that Brax asked! the “it’s a strange emotion” comment about not seeing him again….)

Brax: huddle for warmth trope? Romana: …….

Aaand now we get to “Brax’s Actual Plan!” Which. What. First of all, Brax does not care about Gallifrey enough to prioritize it over every other planet?? Second of all, wouldn’t this plan mean wiping Benny from existence?? (again, I don’t even go there and that doesn’t make sense to me.) I couldn’t remember the plot progression of this episode, but now I get why people said things really fell apart in the last ten minutes, oof.

The “how dare you bring me?” / “My choices would have been mine to make” exchange is the one bit that’s actually getting at that tension around autonomy.

Why does Romana seem to be suddenly considering it?? This scene is so weird.

….I kinda nostalgically miss the funny door opening cut 😄 (side note: this was the first time I relistened to Beyond with all the tracks—last year I listened to the missing tracks version and then the individual tracks that were left out, but never the whole episode all together.)

See, older Brax’s motivations make more sense than younger Brax’s (and also fall along the same lines as the Axis ‘find another world’ plan).

Romana and younger Brax part on a fight and then he gets eaten, that’s…..rough.

I would really like Romana choosing to stay if it was set up better. The way they talk about the other universe is particularly afterlife-y (step into the light and it will all be over), and I would love her choosing to live (after previously choosing to die in Unity), if there was the development to justify her emotional state changing so abruptly between the end of one episode and the end of the next. (with not much time in between, and the only experiences in between being Yet More Trauma—specifically the trauma of seeing the terrible things she could do to the universe). I don’t really buy that Romana would choose to stay—she already thought she deserved to die, and now she has yet more fuel for her “the universe is better off if I am dead” mentality, so ?? (Maybe I could spin it that choosing to escape into the other universe/metaphorically die feels too much like a kindness now. And she doesn’t think she deserves that kindness?)

yeah I do agree with Romana having barely any deep emotional reaction to Brax’s death and it being weird

Was older Brax’s main motivation destroying his younger/other self or saving Romana? Related: I wish this moment of Brax letting Romana go was set up better—Brax letting her go back into danger when he’s always been the one to drag her out of it feels like a significant reversal, but it kind of comes out of nowhere.

Homecoming

Richard Armitage does a great job as Rassilon, I kinda wish he’d played Rassilon in TW2 when the main characters were interacting more with Rassilon and Rassilon was being established as a threat, to provide that level of gravitas

Narvin pulling rank on Eris 😄

“I know what it in your hearts”—Leela’s fond banter, Narvin bantering back with the “many layers of doubts and fears” bit….I’m soft ❤️

“There is no CIA anymore. Only me.” ooh a nice Dramatic Line

“Not to me. I’ve got to keep my spirits up somehow.” and here we have Romana being insubordinate to cling to some sense of control when she very much has none….

This has been pointed out plenty of times but really. why did they only bring one bracelet for two of them as their exit plan?

Splitting up the ot3 again…..sigh…..

Romana is very flippant to Leela about Brax being gone—it would make sense if she was flippant in front of the Daleks, but to Leela? Feels off.

“I know about your trickery on Unity.” — How does Leela know? When did she find out? Why did we not get to see this conversation with Narvin?????

“I would never give up your soul either.” 🥺

I wish this story had leaned into the idea of “protecting each other” / “togetherness” — it talks a big game about fighting for each other, but in reality everyone’s getting split up all the time.

“whether I’m forgiven or not” / “as you said, like old times” — oof this is delivered very lightly, but this quiet callback to the uhhh many previous periods of tension/anger/needing forgiveness between them stings.

What was Leela’s plan to rescue Romana with the one transmat then??

The moment when Romana and Narvin reunite, and she asks him to help her and they have a very surface level conversation (“so the Daleks didn’t kill you”) — they’re having a telepathic convo underneath with lots of emotions @ each other, you can’t take this headcanon away from me.

Mantus’s death scene is so unnecessary—this story spends a lot of time with him and I’d gladly exchange his death scene for an emotionally significant ot3 interaction.

I still wish Livia and Mantus’s story had been contained to the first episode—they weren’t necessary in this one and I feel like having them there (esp. having Livia there when the three of them are splitting up at the end) made it not really possible to have any good emotional interactions (because there are other people watching).

……..I might have managed to make the Romana + Narvin part of that emotionally weak goodbye work for me? (This is not a defense of the scene, but as someone who likes writing canon compliant fic, I just have the urge to paper over the (sometimes rather gaping) cracks.)

My problems with Romana in that scene are:

1. Unity established how suicidal she is at this point, and she so so often turns to self-sacrifice as Plan A, so it’s really out of character for her to let Narvin do the sacrificing instead.

2. Romana doesn’t…..react much to Narvin seemingly blowing up? I’m sorry, what?

My attempt at papering: The characters are very aware of the role reversal. Romana and Narvin know they’re doing Unity-the-other-way-round — he’s implicitly asking to be the one who stays (he can’t play the other role again), and she’s agreeing. Out of kindness, and also because she doesn’t think she’ll live long either.

The longer version: The Romana + Narvin role-reversal really is pretty overt here. Narvin’s line to Leela: “You’ve always protected Romana. Don’t stop now” is so very similar to the things Romana says to Narvin and Leela in Extermination and Ascension when she’s persuading them to leave her and get to safety.

And of course, the dynamic is the opposite of Unity, when Narvin had to choose to leave Romana behind and focus on getting Leela and Rayo got off the planet. And, as Dissolution made very clear, living with the the consequences of that choice has been…..rough for him. He’s very guilty about it. He’s exhausted. I can definitely read this moment as: He doesn’t want to do it again, he doesn’t want to go through losing her again. And so before Romana can say anything, Narvin jumps in. He uses her own lines against her. He says don’t do this again, please. I’d rather it be me.

And Romana also just went through Unity. She knows what it’s like to have the small comfort, as you’re about to die, of hoping that the people you love live on. And she doesn’t believe any of them are likely to make it today, so the least she can do is let Narvin have the kinder death. The quick death. The one where he can die hoping that her and Leela still have a chance. The one that blows up the Daleks’ new time travel mechanism, the death that in some small way matters.

(And actually….it is interesting, that Romana, who has practically been looking for something Heroic to die for, does let Narvin have the Heroic Death. And I do like to read it as an awful sort of kindness, as her going ‘yes of course it hurts to be the one left behind, but and I’ve hurt you enough already by making you be that person, and so it’s okay. you can go first. you can go hoping we’ll still make it.’ Also….she’s probably progressed from “I deserve to die” to “I deserve to suffer The Most and then die” at this point—especially if that’s part of her though process behind choosing to stay in Beyond—so. yeah. None of this is healthy in any way.)

But I do think it’s really important (in terms of characterization) that Romana doesn’t believe she’ll live long either. If she thought whoever went for the other TARDIS would have a real chance, she probably would have fought harder to play the Self-Sacrificing role. But when she lands on Gallifrey, she’s very matter-of-fact about Rassilon finding them and their impending death. Maybe there was a sliver of hope that she could get Leela to safety, but once the TARDIS starts moving, she knows they’re getting dragged to Gallifrey, she knows it’s programmed in, she knows This Is It. All of her reactions post-leaving the Dalek ship point to her believing that it isn’t really an escape.

And this is how I justify her lack of reaction to Narvin’s alleged death. It doesn’t matter because she’s about to die, too. Maybe it’s even a relief that it was quick, for him.

Why does she even try to escape then? Because of Leela. Leela still wants to believe there’s a way out, which is why she’s the one to give Narvin the bracelet, ask about him when they’ve returned to the TARDIS. Leela hasn’t given up yet, and Romana doesn’t want to be the one to squash that hope.

Tl;dr for this bit— if I read this scene as “Romana’s given up all hope, she knows she’s going to die soon, she’s pretty numb to everything and is just trying to let the people she loves hold onto what little hope they can because that’s all they have left and all she has to give them” …..I can tilt my head and make it work a little better.

…..oh god I forgot about the savage line, what were they thinking when they wrote this scene

“There’s always hope” Romana says, but I interpret it as she’s being sarcastic or lying—she’s walking through the motions of hope for the others’ sakes. (okay, to be honest, I’m not sure if Romana know in advance about Rassilon taking control of the TARDISes? that would influence whether or not she has a very concrete reason to think none of them are surviving, but even if she doesn’t know—they’re in the middle of a battlefield next to Gallifrey in the Time War, the odds aren’t great.)

And regardless of how I try to headcanon my way out of it, that is fundamentally a lackluster parting scene ughhhhhh

“Doesn’t everyone lie about their age on the Capitol register?” um. Livia is younger than Romana? like, that’s never been stated explicitly, but it felt pretty obvious—she’s an ambitious Time Lord who rose up the ranks post-series 6, I doubt she would have been sitting around doing nothing for most of her regenerations and then suddenly developed an entirely different personality for her last two regenerations (especially since the core of her personality stays fairly consistent between regenerations in Gallifrey). Her being the new “young shining political star” and being a reaction to Romana’s establishment is one of the reasons I found her political dynamic with Romana so interesting, I’m simply going to have to ignore this line.

The thing is, the main enemy was Rassilon, and obviously they couldn’t defeat him, so this victory against the Daleks feels…..flashy but not emotionally meaningful? (I know I personally wish Time War 4 was about how to forgive yourself when you can’t save the world and how to steal meaningful moments and build things anyways and the power of walking away from a fight that’s draining everything out of you to focus on saving who and what you can and healing, but obviously that’s just my personal preference. Whatever they wanted the emotional arc to be—even if they wanted it to be very overtly a tragedy—blowing up the Dalek ship as the Big Climax feels hollow.)

Have a emotional reaction to Narvin’s supposed death, my goodness!! (I can try to headcanon Romana shoving down her despair and being super numb to everything but ughhh the direction/acting choices here are not great!)

“I’ve fought for Gallifrey for so long, I don’t know how to do anything else” — the gut punch honestly of this line oof.

I do like Romana and Leela confronting Rassilon and the full circle aspect of that scene, even if I don’t like how it ends.

“inspired by the Emperor” — Rassilon is. specifically imprisoning Romana like the Daleks did. He intends it to be a parallel, oh god.

ouch ouch ouch @ the way Rassilon is using Romana against Leela….and Romana tells her to listen probably to protect Leela—hoping that if Leela obeys in the short term, she’ll have a better chance of surviving. That maybe even if none of the rest of them make it, Leela will.

Is that the sad Enemy Lines music over Romana’s last monologue? it’s very faint but maybe??

This doesn’t actually mean anything, but it still struck me that the word ascension is the last word in this episode and the title of the previous final episode.

The one thing in this episode I 100% love is the final theme music—it’s so haunting and so good!

#gallifrey audios #gallifrey spoilers #romana #leela #narvin #irving braxiatel #ramblings #emily listens to big finish

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