377
Run, tell me, run
tell him, go,
tell her,
spin the bottle,
close your eyes
wait for the press of lips
to catch her by surprise.
Tell me, no, no, no
heart, please don’t
Run, fingers through my hair,
scent of musk
and taste of pear.
Tell him, lies,
Run,
open up your eyes,
tell her, please
soft and gentle
as if we’re elemental
All I see is
All he sees is
All she knows.
tell her, tell him
I won't,
Run
Run
Run.
Tell her.
0 notes
376
Wild fox, wild flower, wild hair, wild heart. A spirit born in summer never meant to cool.
1 note
·
View note
375
As I took a seat aside her, the chair new, the room sterile. I realized the calmness of my drumming fingers simply added to the annoyance of her clicking keys. Stark, white, and chrome fixtures. It was like being alive inside a coffin and somehow blissfully unaware of it. Clearing her throat, without a glance in my direction she asked, "So, how is everything?" I thought a moment of her question. Honing in on her use of "so" rather than the omnipotent term of "everything" I supposed those small add-on's like but and yet and dreaded so only eluded the anxiety of asking another what they were really feeling. Sort of like with Charlie when he, in mid-sentence, 2 months before said: "...but we can remain good friends." and Harriet who had been my only confident stood beside him. arm wrapped around his added: "Yet, not so friendly it becomes complicated." There was nothing logical about him or her or myself standing in a semi circle after I walked in on those two fucking. Charlie was my boyfriend. Harriet was my best girl friend since primary school and myself in this equation? I was simply just a fool. The sound of an impatient foot tapping and another unpromising throat clearing beckoned me from my thoughts. "Thank God." I muttered. "What?" She asked. "Oh, nothing." The little words. Those two or three lettered demons. We all took care to use them like they were our verbal weapons except I was here in this closet of a room with a woman I didn't know and the scent of antiseptic mixed with salt water syringe stung my throat. "So, how is everything Ms._________" and I didn't have to think at all. Instead I answered "To be honest horrible. Every year that's gone by and I grow older someone dies that I loved or gave a fuck about. Friends disappear into marriages, denial, or educational facilities abroad and myself? Well, here I am, in hospital, still empty, sad, and unsure how to find a balance between contentment and resentment. I tell myself I am fine when I am not. I think about death like its a drug because I don't know to live. I don't know how to love. I don't know who I am and I'm exhausted. So...." and I paused, "What can you do for me Mrs._______" Her fingers raced across the keys of her computer. Their relentless tapping becoming nothing more then a hum in my ears. She wouldn't stop, refused too really until at last my words, mingled with her own thoughts caught up to each other. She took a moment to straighten her sleeves and clear her throat for the third time. I swore under my breath about it and thankfully she didn't notice. "Well..." She began and at that moment time stopped I could see my own life clearly among the trash collected by myself: shit friends, shit lovers, shit parents, shit strangers, shit, shit, shit, shit!! It didn't matter. My life, my present or future. It didn't matter and I didn't care. I stood up, unsure if she continued or paused walked towards the door and entered the hall. Above me signs flickered: enter, exit and signs for A12-18 along with B6-12 were painted in thick, black, letters. I could go back into the world the way I was or I could stay here in hospital and become more unstable. Both options seemed inconceivable. Behind me I could hear throat clearing, heel stomping, and fumbled assistance button pushing amid cursed slurs. Soon I would be carried back to a room as stark, white, and chrome filled as her office. I didn't want to go. I couldn't but as I struggled toward the front desk staff that lie safely behind a sheet of plexiglass. My palm came to slam against it before being ripped away. I can't go back. I won't go back. I thought I had thought but was really screaming until the scent of salt water mixed with God knows stung my throat and nose. Click, click, tap, stomp, shit, shit, shit...I can't...I...and the world fell away. 3 hours or 3 days from now in a place where time ceased to exist within the myriad of little words like yet, but, well, and so. I was already deceased. The proverbial coffin I had imagined prior to the litany of everything had been closed and the darkness masked the stark, white, chrome and the scent of anything but myself and for the first time in 30 years I could feel the beginnings of a genuine smile where "nothing" was the "everything" and peace became my soul. Here, there was no light, no tunnel, no deity, just empty space to float and no one to ask me.... "So..."
0 notes
374
In another life we could be: The answer. The cure. The refuge for shelter. Heaven. A used bookstore on Main Street. The scent of European coffee. The kiss that lingers in winter. Birds on a wire constantly chatting. Music quietly playing. Old cars stalling on the street. Love. Kindness. Unconditional empathy. This could all come to pass by Two hands clasping. In this life.
4 notes
·
View notes
373
The sink is full,
our house empty
and we are both the same.
Idle hands desperate
for washing
the stuck on bits on
dinner plates.
What plagues me so
is this void
no good at all
for it keeps me ill.
Until at once
I am starving off
the temptation too
fill and fill and fill.
The spoons have talked
their vapid chatter
rattling with knives and forks.
The water runs
in the washroom
both gone back to
darkened drawers.
This is our cycle
to be vacant
but to want so much
we binge the swill.
The bath is ready,
I lie in it naked
waiting for
my thoughts to still.
the butter knives
where put away but
a steak knife runs
across my wrist.
I feel so much yet
feel so little
and night falls softly
upon pale lids.
Full but empty yet,
Somehow...just the same.
2 notes
·
View notes
372
She died in 2003 with her innocence and high-school degree. There was nothing left. She could do no more and she wouldn't let the weight of the future control her. So, she said 'goodbye.'
1 note
·
View note
371
Perhaps,
there was a time
when the morning
wasn’t so grim.
Where I awakened wide eyed,
and things fell softly into place.
like the drawing of breath
into my lungs,
a simple act
easily forgotten
until it’s quite difficult to make.
I’ve made that mistake.
taking for granted the process
because my throat aches
when I barely speak
and my joints crack
when I hardly move
and the earth spins
like they all go on
Just for the grief
in the morning
and my lack of wanting more
than heavy lids
that barely lift
stiff and stuck to a life
never lived
I've been here always unsure
when time will stop moving
and I will
4 notes
·
View notes
370
How much longer must I?
pull the darkness from my soul
that cries out for shelter,
to be brought to light.
I see eyes, many eyes
all the same color
coals extinguished by smoke,
Find my own sometimes
two dull blue flames
fluttering among the ashes
black as the iris
but pitch like the night.
Against all odds still
looking up.
As if heaven on earth meant
living in piles of wood
all cut, heavy burdens
stacked upon itself.
I see him.
I see her.
I see myself.
and I think,
least I believe I would think
“How much longer must I?”
I’ve grown,
tired, empty, clawing for worth
to be put in this heap
of “outlived” kindling
while time goes on swindling
more, more, more!
Up in flames like most days
I think…how much longer?
Perhaps, earth is the hell we fear.
2 notes
·
View notes
369
Every night it’s the same.
Pitch black, the world swallowed.
All the trees in a riot, pushing and pulling.
They beat at each other like steel fists,
but the roof never caves in on itself.
I lie still in my stronghold
Awake.
Never struggling in the shadows,
that tangle with me.
Their hands are the darkness
yanking at covers, strangling
the words and the muscles
until I split in two.
Two parts of a person lost
in this world and the next,
and yet, I’ve died multiple times at best
Dragging me silently by the ankles
I’ve given up
and let them have what they’ve wanted.
To those like myself,
it doesn’t matter at all.
I don’t know who I am
ever since it happened.
I don’t know if I can ever recover
who I was before and to become
a new version of myself is
unattainable.
I’ve been devoured by devilry force.
I was its main course
and there is no hope for
Two parts severed.
Halved.
Unsure.
Both have been pronounced
Dead on arrival.
1 note
·
View note
368
you were my everything and for a time that was enough even now it still is when I know I mean nothing to you. I guess I'm stupid. Hanging on like a child would an insignificant loss like no ice cream for bad behavior, no last ride at the carnival for straying off but it's easier to admit to myself how incredibly selfish I am waiting for someone who will never give a damn because you are the Ferris wheel spinning round till I'm sick and the sweetest thing I cursed my parents out for just too much, too quick. You are everything.
1 note
·
View note
367
You’ll only see what I let you.
You won’t ever know who I am.
I’ll only show what is proper
You’ll only go by
the smallness of my hands.
If I can’t hold onto water
dripping down from your tap.
What makes you think
I’d ever stutter or
stammer or know anything
I thought you’d laugh at?
I long for the days when
I may close my tired eyes
never once thinking
I should have to memorize
You.
You.
You.
I love…
Fleeting like shadow
when the sun decides a chase.
I yearn for the kindness
of your welcoming face but
No.
That’s what I’m told…
No.
You must be alone!
No.
This is not what you want, they say.
Back this winter.
The coldest one yet.
I wish for summer
to dry up all this wet but
Spring’s mischievous glow
begins to wipe away all of my woe
and over Robbin’s Hill I see
You.
You.
You….again.
but you’ll never know so…
Maybe next time
When I cannot hide and
love can see me
1 note
·
View note
366
Among scattered houses,
she stands in the bitter cold.
Striking –
the wind that passes,
a beauty within the snow.
Where smoke unfurls
in wilderness
from chimney fire
and warm breath.
A world that changes
in an instant
once tapestry
now, blank canvas.
What darkness waits
to swallow whole
she devours rightly so
for light is hidden
inside her coat
at the ready of –
Falling quick upon
their roofs
Flush with Summer’s
spinning hoop
of heat and rose and
weeping willow tree
All gone,
instantaneously.
There they are within
her reach
carried by the doves
that stove
each tiny flake
unique on their own
but terribly, hard to keep.
Like a devil kissing
an Angel’s cheek.
It cannot stay,
not here nor memory.
So, at the ready of
herself she says,
the magic words
that quell our heads,
All lost within a single second
“Love?”
Gone.
in an instant.
2 notes
·
View notes
365
The rain falls in prominent sheets each split and cut into irregular droplets. Inside, we gather unsure of the consequence. All is drowning but at least we can swim. All is drowning but even swimmers float. All is within this storm but we perish the same. Outside, the tapping on rooftops and windows is the small death of those who fall into this world without arms to catch them. They're busy safely watching inside.
2 notes
·
View notes
364
My hands are empty. My treasures all spent. I do not have the worth for all that I've lent. I've squandered my diamonds and bartered my gold all for the warmth of half hearted souls. They tell in kindness. How they'll never go but I in such blindness should have known this cold in my blood mistaken for what? Other then... I am never enough. I know I am never enough but what can I give? My house is vacant. My hope chest filled with air and the last I've heard from you was... 'I never cared if she was there.'
1 note
·
View note
363
I thought I could cover myself in the night and forget. Yet, time is no stranger to me. We pass by each other but it's there in our eyes in this bed where we lie never once whispering. Staring me down it's invisible brow Time makes only one sound Tic Tic Ticking and I'm tearing apart like I won't feel the pain I don't want the dark Tic Tic Ticking. No eye to the keyhole Just a locked door with Me and the monster holding me down You're fine You're fine and I, terrified Like a bird that can't sing I only hear Tic Tic Ticking I thought I could Escape this night but time takes its arms and holds close to me never once whispering only Tic Tic ticking away.
1 note
·
View note
362
The loose gravel we fell
onto as kids
is embedded deep
under our skins.
Sinking into
the drops of blood
from our knees
and our chins.
We remember
how painful it was since
We now carry their heaviness.
Just burdens, just secrets
no pearls of wisdom
for the children grown up
too keep it.
Fingernails in my arms,
hair pulled taut,
broken charm.
Now, I never wear braids
where she can see them
because I don’t want too
recall the pain of
being one in five children.
Pump your legs,
jump right off,
You’ll fly if you want.
They say this to trick you.
It’s a lie.
No one will catch you.
4 notes
·
View notes
361
There is nothing idyllic
about this landscape
full of uneven curves, lumps, and bruises.
You know “bad-looking shapes.”
Perhaps,
I am crooked
like my Aunt’s faux Dega,
my nose broke as a child
maybe,
Picasso rather than
Edgar’s ‘Dancers in Blue’
in her hall.
I will never be slender.
I will never have grace.
I will never be lovely.
So, I beg you,
Heavenly Father,
wipe this slate.
I want to be talented
with a dear, little waist
and arms as long as a
gazelle’s antlers
tell me,
it isn’t too late
but it is.
I was hers and his
molded
by
You.
You.
You.
but I am not immaculate.
I am hideous.
I am flawed.
I am ignorant with too
sharp of a jaw.
Now, what do I do?
If I am an image ‘made in You’
He says,
“Art is not what you see,
but what you make others see.”
So, you make me the joke?
with the figure of a manatee?
I want thin.
I want pretty.
I want long.
I want lithe.
I want talent.
I want cunning,
Not this disgusting, foul, heap.
but I guess I deserve this
for being ungrateful.
This was the fate
for
cain and abel.
1 note
·
View note