louudthoughts

[louudthoughts]

i walked down the driveway,

thinking of all the ways i could kill myself.

i know it sounds crass, but there were so many options. so many ways to imagine. and once you let yourself think of them, the ideas never leave.

i felt so numb.

and then i thought of you, lying in your casket, buried six feet below the ground i stand on. i thought of your family's weeping souls and all the people who cried at your funeral. i thought of how you wanted to live to help people.

and suddenly i wanted to live.

for you.

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[louudthoughts]

i am drowning in every one else's tears.

i am drowning in the tears i cannot create.

#spilled ink #emotions #lonely thoughts #feelings #sorry for being depressing #tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #depressiv #words #words words words #spilled words #my words #spilled #spilled poetry #spilled thoughts #spilled writing #spilled tears #the tortured poets department #a blog for the heartbroken

[louudthoughts]

I wonder what you will think

when you see the white lines

on my hips on my arms

in my mind in my heart

will you cradle me gently

or say I’m dramatic

[louudthoughts]

I’m okay.

it’s getting bad again

[louudthoughts]

you hate me

but its okay

because

i hate me too.

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[louudthoughts]

i want you to love me

with your whole heart,

promising never to flee.

treat me like a work of art,

don’t ever let me go.

i’ve always been hiding somewhere

between the light and shadow.

pull me out of the darkness,

hold me like packed snow.

don’t let me see the bleakness,

not ever again.

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[louudthoughts]

when im at your house,

the love is so overwhelming

i want to cry.

it feels easy to laugh,

even easier when you do.

every time i step through the door

it feels like a big hug.

im surrounded by your love,

even when you aren't there.

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[louudthoughts]

i just want to curl up in your chest

and hug you and cry and laugh

because i feel every thing so deeply.

but my brain yells at my heart,

saying, "don't embarrass yourself."

its hard to express anything,

even worse when it's so strong

and it weighs on your chest.

i know you would understand

but i can't explain it.

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[louudthoughts]

i miss you

and i feel

it in my bones.

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[louudthoughts]

dancing words.

twisted smiles.

haunted laughs.

swimming thoughts.

and they always

led back to youm

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[louudthoughts]

You see big romantic gestures on TV, and you watch how much it means to the people on the receiving end. For a while you think it’s just make believe but then you get older and your friends start to tell you they’ve experienced it, and that it’s real. And then people fall in love with you, and start making these gestures towards you. And then you feel nothing. Suddenly you’re not so young anymore. The people you were close to seem to have moved on and you’re left alone trying to fill the hole inside you with whatever you can no matter how unhealthy it is. You keep digging deeper and you keep pushing people away until you look into the mirror one morning at 3 a.m. and realise you never learned how to be loved and love in return. Sure you’ve got your trauma but so has everyone else and they’ve managed it. So why can’t you? What is it that’s so insidious slithering beneath your skin that makes you like this? And you sit at the edge of your bed and your glass is empty and suddenly the sun is rising. So you go back to the bathroom mirror and you face yourself. But you can’t. You can’t look at yourself because you can’t accept that you don’t have an answer. So in lieu of reason or an answer or something to fill the gaping wound in your chest you go back down the stairs. And you pour yourself another drink.

The Mirror Doesn't Flinch - SLR

[louudthoughts]

you

h e l d

me down

because you

k n e w

how stronger i would be,

without you

s t o p p i n g

me.

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[louudthoughts]

Countdown

how much longer do i have

before I break under the grief?

how long do I nurture it

with my rotten flesh and saltwater,

growing it in my womb

until it tears me apart from the inside?

you're so happy dancing

in a crowd you say you love

in the blink of an eye,

moments after I was gone.

when you come home at night,

reeking of cigarettes and wasted youth

do you ever wonder how you could've forgotten someone

you swore you loved?

how long did you take to forget me?

how long

until you feel my grief?

[louudthoughts]

you made me laugh,

even when my heart

was split in half.

you didn't sew it back together,

but you did better than the aggressor.

you made me believe in humanity,

even while i was losing my sanity.

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[louudthoughts]

my consent belongs to me

[louudthoughts]

i am lucky to have a friend like you

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[louudthoughts]

but you don’t have to,

the sun surprises you,

early in the morning.

as you see the rays

atop the trees,

you breathe a sigh

of relief.

then suddenly-

you can’t wait for the sun to rise again