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hollyhomburg · 3 months

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Before I Leave You (Pt.66)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Wolves always go for the throat, whether they’re cornered or hunting.

Tags: Blood, Guns, violence, near death experiences, everyone lives nobody dies...but someone does die this chapter, horror, non-lethal injury, talks of death and dying, a bit of body horror, Trans! tae, Tae is briefly dead named in this, implied/referenced intimate partner violence, flashbacks, brief suicidality.

W/c: 8.3k

A/N: ahhhhhh <3 we're finally ready for this part of the story <3 i wonder what your guys reactions will be, i'm really glad i decided to split this chapter into two peices! it's much cleaner this way. don't be 🥲 too mad at me.

Previous part - Masterlist - First part

(Four years prior, Hoseok)

Today is the day that Hoseok will meet his future pack, he just doesn’t know it yet.

It always feels like a bit of betrayal but the worst and best days of your life often come close together. Maybe just for contrast. A bit of good in the bad. A slice of cake in a feast of raw meat.

This starts as just another bad day in a long stretch of shitty days. The kind of days were anxiety bubbles up and how afraid you are is all you can think about. Taking one breath and then another like just staying alive means you're guaranteed to get better.

The only place to go from rock bottom is up, and hoseok's sneakers are firmly on the concrete, standing outside of the record store in the rain with no place to go.

Hoseok has been afraid for a long time. He can't really remember even if he thinks hard, the last morning he woke up not afraid.

What hoseok really needs is a day off, but he really can't fucking afford it. He can't afford anything- certainly not a one-bedroom apartment on his own. If he's really really lucky maybe he'll be able to find a closet room somewhere that will cost almost his whole paycheck. Because after today-

After today, Jung Hoseok will be homeless, packless, and alone. His pack dropped the news on him last night…or well ex-pack.

He doesn’t expect that he’ll be moving into the pack's house on this rainy day, he doesn't expect that by the end of the week, he won't be worrying about where his next meal will come from because Jin will be there with it ready. Jimin sometimes too.

He won't be worrying about where he'll sleep because the bed in their spare room that smells like tae tae tae will be his. He'll roll around in it when the door is closed, shy about it because Hoseok has never liked other alpha's scents so much before. And when he comes home and Jungkook has made a nest in it, it will feel like a bit of an impossible silver lining, a bit too much- to have an omega making him a nest, making something special just for him

It takes three weeks for Namjoon to make him a house key for himself. After he gets left outside in a very similar storm to this. The doctor will touch his cheek, thumbing at the dimples that they share. how special is it that each smile gets cradled like a crescent moon? the heavens have left imprints on both of their skin. Freckles for stars and dimples for moon's.

"I don't want you to get sick pup."

"People don't get sick from wet heads anymore hyung."

"They don't. But I want to keep you dry and comfortable in my den. i know you still want to look for apartments but...what if you didn't?"

But neither the weather nor Hoseok knows to prepare for good news. Right now the heavens open up and release its deluge, thick rain the way that only happens at the start of summer. Worms and other wriggly things crawl their way out of their holes to find a good spot to die next to Hoseok's shoes. Worn fancy sneakers that his pack-omega had gotten him a few months ago for their anniversary. They're the nicest thing he's ever owned.

His ex-pack omega.

It's hard to rewire your brain, especially for alpha's. Hoseok is a lone wolf. He hasn't been without a pack in so long, it feels weird to not have someone to call, someone he needs to trail after and cling to. He checks his phone but he doesn't have a single notification from them.

He doesn't have a single notification from anyone.

Hoseok is glad he doesn't feel his instincts as keenly as other alphas do. Otherwise, he might be inclined to gnash his teeth at the people who pass by him on their way to work, umbrellas almost bumping him, perceiving even closeness as a threat. So vulnerable without a pack (lone alphas are always the first to starve in winter).

Hoseok shivers even though its summer, he's soaked to the bone after a few minutes.

He has a key to the record store. He could go inside. Granted- he should be inside already. Opening up shop, making coffee, and letting the place warm up. But standing out in the rain feels too much like penance.

Hoseok likes the rain. The smell of it. The way it makes the whole world ache and go still. He feels every drop on his dark hair, soaking through his thin hoodie. It's cleansing almost, letting the rain soak him through.

(The end of relationships is always hard, let alone the end of abusive relationships, they’re downright terrible).

Hoseok keeps replaying their words in his head, with every slosh of a nearby car, every honk of a taxi. The stoplight red and green bleeding onto the wet concrete. Yellow flashing in contrast with hoseok's dark memories.

“You’re welcome to stay here until the lease runs out, but the four of us need to move back home. You understand Hobi don’t you? We’re just omega’s- we’re just girls- and we think this could be a clean break for all of us. We just don't want to lead you on any longer.”

The worst part is that Hobi had sort of known, had sort of already realized what was happening. he’d seen it in their looks; distant and despondent. Their touches that did not linger longer than necessary, cheeks turned as he comes in for a kiss. The phone calls hushed in the other room that cut off abruptly when he entered.

The lease on their apartment ends today. The place has already been professionally deep cleaned and Hoseok's things are packed in his car in plastic bins. He has 6 of them to his name.

He doesn’t have a place to go yet, he might just sneak into the back room at the record store and sleep there until he figures something out. Hoseok drove to work early because he didn't have another place to go.

This version of Hoseok is not the one you know, this version of Hobi is 23 and hopeless, can’t think about moving back in with his parents a city away, with nothing but a rusted-out Corolla that barely gets him to work let alone through the 200-mile trip. It will die on him in about 6 months and Namjoon will be thankful that Hoseok no longer is driving around in a deathtrap.

He hadn’t even gotten this job by himself, his pack omega- his ex-girlfriend had gotten him this job almost 4 months ago after his last one didn’t pan out. Temporary work for temporary people.

Nothing feels like his. Not his body and certainly not this job.

Hoseok hasn’t smoked in months, but something that feels an awful lot like self-disgust worms under his skin and he can’t resist. Not today of all days. Smoking is something that he doesn’t indulge in often, and hasn’t indulged in since… becoming an alpha to someone. But he guesses it doesn’t matter now without anyone to complain that they don’t like the smell.

The cigarette mixes with the smell of petrichor and Hoseok’s own acidic scent. The smell of a terrified alpha draws him more than a few looks but he pays them no mind. He's thankful for his soaking face, at least the rain keeps out the tears. Cool and soothing against his face.

Hoseok just wants- Hoseok just wants to call them. To talk to someone.

Ending relationships is always like this. You want to keep being good, keep being what they want, but that’s impossible. You can’t act or behave right and dupe someone into loving you. Sometimes the love just isn’t there. (A smaller shyer voice says it was never love at all, you can't possess love, only be given it and Hoseok feels like a cast aside possession. Love and abuse cannot coexist).

Hoseok should have known. He keeps replaying the moments in his head. He’d seen them exchanging knowing looks when they thought he wasn’t looking.He thought he was just being paranoid, until yesterday morning when they’d taken him aside.

“You knew this had to end one day Hoseok" "You knew one day we'd move on." "As much as we appreciate what you’ve done for us, we think it’s time for us to move on.”

“What do you mean? I thought we were leaving next week, you really left me with only a day to find a place to go?”

“We’re sorry Hoseok, your last rut was just too much to deal with. We think it's best if we just stay on our own. It's a clean break this way.”

"Wait, please- I love you."

"We know. We're sorry."

Hoseok is too much for anyone to deal with. He doesn’t call his friends (he hasn’t met up with any of them or returned their texts in months thanks to several pointed words from his pack omega). He doesn’t go inside yet because he deserves the rain. He sits out front of the record store, smoking a cigarette that will probably end up killing him down the line, and thinks Good.

He tells himself the irritation in his eyes is just because of the cigarette smoke blowing in his face, even though he knows it's not. He's not even inhaling right because his breaths come all hitched and pathetic. Anyone would be sad if their relationship of several years had ended. Anyone would be devastated.

Hoseok checks his phone again. Nothing.

Most people on the crowded street ignore him. Though the thick throng of people going about their business, probably going to work at their 9 to 5 jobs that pay enough to afford apartments and packmates. Hoseok is the one soul that stands stationary.

Until one, someone a few feet back stops, tipping their face through their hood to look at him. The only other person without an umbrella.

Hoseok knows his face and his name. It’s just Min Yoongi- his coworker and sort of friend who's coming in for his shift. Hoseok doesn't love Yoongi yet but they're sort of friends already. They might be better friends if Hoseok could get over his admiration and jealousy.

Yoongi has this way of quietly taking care of the people around him. He picks up Hoseok's jacket when it slides off the hook at work, asks him if he wants coffee and even pays for it when he goes to the coffee shop next door. He compliments Hoseok's music tastes when it's his turn to play something, he gives Hoseok the aux frequently in a way that feels a little bit like flirting.

The only two good things about Hoseok's job are the music and Min Yoongi.

He even laughs at Hoseok's shitty jokes when they're stacking new inventory saying cryptic things like "they can't be worse than my omega's jokes."

That's why Hoseok's jealous. Yoongi gets packmates, five of them who make him lunch even when he's only got a four-hour shift. that often linger outside to walk him home or pick him up in their shiney not new not old cars.

(Yoongi's packmates certainly have better things to do than send Yoongi to work with a second packed lunch. "Jin-hyung caught a glimpse of you through the doorway, the only thing that he hates more than Namjoon's snoring is skinny Alpha's.")

Min Yoongi has that look that people do when they're well-loved by packmates. Hair ruffled and neck dotted with bruises that might as well be mating bites for a beta. Beta's don't mate, but these ones certainly keep him close. He wears their scents like a shield. Sometimes so thick that Hoseok can't even smell any of his chocolate scent.

Right now, staring at Yoongi a few paces into the street, all Hoseok can smell is the rain.

When Hoseok had been introduced to him it had felt strange just by virtue of Yoongi's sub gender. A beta? Working somewhere so normal? Weren’t beta's supposed to be like- financial advisors or assistants to the president or something? Betas are supposed to have more important jobs than pushing vinyl and bumping Hoseok's shoulder playfully.

(Hoseok hasn’t seen it yet, the way that the owner hands over little white baggies to people who come in looking hungry for a high that cigarettes or alcohol can’t fix. Hoseok hasn’t yet realized that the record store isn't just a record store. This is just one front business of many that the family has organized across this city and the country for distribution of some of his most precious inventory). Yoongi has worked her for the last year, takes calls in the back for the family. The owner only bows to him when Hoseok's not around.

They only hired hoseok for tax purposes. Having three employees looks less suspicious than just two.

The beta looks concerned, and Hoseok knows he can’t hide the fact that he’s been crying as the beta steps up and pushes Hoseok back under the awning. Out of the rain and into the warmth of the doorway. This kind of movement would make any alpha snap, but not Hoseok. Hoseok just tucks his chin down and starts to cry.

“Oh Hoseok.” Hobi sniffles, and wipes his runny nose on his sleeve. Yoongi's hand curls against his throat, chocolate scent spiking to soothe. “You’re soaking wet."

Yoongi grabs his wrist and Hoseok almost keens at the gentle touch. Whole body shaking, shoulders curling in Yoongi's direction. Yoongi’s lips press into a thin line and then tugs him inside.

~-~

(Now, You)

You hold your breath. Still peering around the corner, watching and waiting for the man to spot you.

But he doesn't, after a breath where his soft footsteps echo, you wait, but nothing happens. You peak back around the corner.

You absorb and catalog the details as fast as you can; the black ski mask, covered by one of those traditional Korean masks, wooden with red lacquer. This one is a little different than the one that Jimin had; not twisted with thick eyebrows in a snarl. This one is white with red splotches on the cheeks, like a ghost sent down from above to rob you of your humanity.

The bulletproof vest stops at the collarbones. The gun itself is a black generic model. The long end is extra bulbous with something that might be an attached silencer. His hands covered in black nitrile gloves, leathery at first glance. There is a knife at his waist along with a barrage of other small things; rope and a knife, duct tape and handcuffs. His heavy boots look steel toed and reinforced.

The man (because it is a man you realize; tall, maybe taller than Namjoon) trains his gun at the landing on the top of the stairs. Pointing it in the direction of Hobi, Tae, and Jin’s hushed voices.

Hobi giggles and it sounds so bright. Echoing off the walls and filling the house with his musical laughter.

There is a phone cord tangled in your hands, long and white. You grip it tight.

This man might be silent but you’re quieter as you slide your bare feet across the smooth floors. Your strides are so quiet. You take one step and then another until you're behind the man, mirroring him.

You remember when Yoongi redid the floors, it was one of the few things that he did right away; before the pack came to live here (to love here). It took him weeks and weeks of sanding before he got them to his liking. Days more of brown dark stain that colored his hands ruddy until the soft matte finish stuck. Every pass with the belt sander and dirty rag a movement of love, a meditation for it.

Yoongi made every inch of this house with the same loving intent; to make it a home for all of you. a place to be safe and nurse your wounds and hearts. You won’t let it become a grave. You won’t let this person stay here and ruin it.

Most people get it wrong; In order to kill it is not a matter of elegance or effort. There is no such thing as a perfect kill either. Emotionless and analytic isn't enough and being justified only gets you halfway. There is no way to do it cleanly. People die just as they live, messy and hopeful and dirty.

Murder isn't a matter or wanting or wishing, It’s a matter of rage.

It’s always been this way. Rage has been chewing a hole through you from the moment that you pulled the trigger with Geumjae. From the moment you said ‘I do’. Rage that these violent things have been done to you, that they continue to happen, that you can’t just get away from all the hurt and trauma.

Rage has eaten you clean through to the bone. Rage has made you skinny and starving, rage has made you timid and fragile. But now you're the hungry one. Right now, only three words run through your head;

How dare she.

How dare she send this man into your house. How dare she point a gun at the upstairs, in the general direction of your nest and your packmates. The altar at which you so desperately cling to, for sweet dreams and sweeter worship (There is no deity above the god of love, not even death. Death cannot take the love from your chest, someone dying does not make you stop loving them).

How dare she even think about hurting the people you love.

There is no courage, no bravery, no thought in your head about how stupid it might be as you step closer behind the man. You are not a trained assassin. You’re just an omega.

The adrenaline rush is an old friend, a thrall both intoxicating and unnerving. Your heart beats loud in your ears. You grip the phone cord in your hands and take a quiet steadying breath. He doesn't see you, he doesn't hear you, he doesn't know that you're behind him.

Wolves always go for the throat, whether they’re cornered or hunting.

The assassin’s foot ascends the bottom step. You don’t let him get to the second before you’re moving, hurtling forward. Footsteps no longer light. Your hands go over the man’s shoulders. The cord no more than a white flash across his vision before you draw it tight across his neck.

The pain and panic are instant as you’re suddenly tethered to a six-foot-four assassin and struggling to stay on your feet as he stumbles back. You’re pulled off your feet and down the stairs, but you keep it as tight as you can and you don’t let go. Fighting to keep your makeshift garrote tight as he scrambles to get his fingers around where it digs into his skin. Spluttering loud.

The hard wire digs, cutting easily through plastic and then your skin as he tries to pull you off. You don’t let go until he backs you into the entryway wall and slams you against it with a dizzying clang of bone and body hitting something solid. Your head narrowly avoids one of the hooks that the pack hangs their coats on. An inch to the left and he'd have impaled your skull on it. An inch to the left and you'd be dead.

A single inch.

His head slams into your face, and you feel something in your nose pop, flooding your mouth with blood so thick you choke.

He slams you against the wall once, twice, and then a third time until your grip goes slack and slippery with blood. It knocks the breath out of you, and he finally throws you off. You both fall to the ground like stones. Both of you gasp and struggle for breath. At least one of your ribs it broken, but because of the adrenaline you can't even feel it.

When the man lifts his black gloves to his throat, they come away glossy with blood.

(It’s crazy how you never notice the change from the day to day, one day you are begging for a reason to hold on, a reason to live, and the next you’re fighting tooth and nail to keep going. Just about gnawing your own arm off to get out. To survive and live to see another day. Another sunrise.)

By that time the air has returned to your lungs it’s enough for you to scream. “Jin! Jin! There’s someone in the house there’s-”

You try and inhale through your nose and blood makes you choke. You push at the floor with your hands, struggling to stand, fingers slippery and tacky with your blood.

The man tries to scramble up the stairs but you latch onto his legs and make him drop. Doing everything in your power to keep him from going up to them, to your packmates. Hugging his ankle to your chest to slow him down (the same way you’ve hugged Namjoon’s arm and Yoongi’s, the way you held Hobi in the nest on the couch just a few shattered days ago).

The man turns the gun on you, pointing it to your head, you flinch, waiting for the shot-

and open them as He heaves a frustrated roar before he wheels away and turns, aiming at the top of the stairs instead of right in your face.

You could have died right then. could have and should have, but you didn’t. Your brain is too messy with adrenaline right now to make sense of it.

Why didn't he shoot?

The gun goes off, a bullet whizzing by Jin’s head. His face, scared, on the stairs flashes ever briefly. Ducking for cover just in time. The doorframe explodes in a cacophony of dark wood splitters. The doorknob sparks and bursts into a million pieces with another shot. metal clanking against the ceiling, the walls, down the stairs.

One second, you’re holding onto his heavy leather boot, and the next it’s colliding with your face and you’re out like a light.

Getting hit in your face is always such a disorientating experience. You’d never gotten used to it, even with Geumjae. Granted it’s hard to get used to the stomach-churning low vision feeling of weightlessness, like vertigo only worse.

"Hobi! don't- jesus fucking christ-"

You’re not quite sure what happens next only that you can’t see for a moment after the boot hits your face, and you take big breaths through your mouth. Blood, you taste blood. And then your vision comes back. Black spots and all and there’s Hobi’s face in front of you. No assassin, just him, helping you up from the floor. You're not on the steps anymore but at the bottom of them.

“The kitchen, the kitchen," Blood rushes over your bottom lip. Hoseok wipes it away, inhaling a jagged breath. "He’s-”

He pushes at your shoulders. “The car- get to the car.” It feels impossible. This can be happening in your house. Are you about to have a shoot-out in the street? On your quiet cul-de-sac? But then, in the corner of your vision dark movement.

You tug Hobi’s head down the second that the gun goes off- probably saving his life, definitely saving it as the bullet tears through the banister and ends in a hollow thump in the wall. he may not have shot you but he has no quams shooting at Jin and Hobi. The bullets hit the wall- Maybe 6 inches above your bent heads. Too close, close enough that Hobi trembles in your hold. And he rips something- a piece of the doorway, out of his arm with a wince before he covers your body with his own.

The volley of gunshots are so loud, so vicious as they blow things apart, tearing holes through Yoongi’s coat, the doorway, the banister, and the narrow stairway rungs. Pieces of wood hit your curled forms. Hobi shoves your head down when you try to look.

There is wetness, hot, something hot on your hands, your neck, you know it’s blood before you look. You think it’s from you until the Gunsmoke clears and you realize- fingers skimming across hoseok's forehead, a gash above his eyebrow.

A bullet graze by his hairline thats bleeding profusely. head wounds always bleed a ridiculous amount.

There are more bullets behind you but it’s just Jin returning fire.

Jin’s got Tae behind him. Her face ashy and pink from the shower and panic, her mid-length dark hair such a tangle, cowering behind his back. Jin's gun is so much louder without the silencer. Did he bring one upstairs? Or did he get it from Jimin’s stash?

Jin nearly drags Tae to the three of you, and she clings to you. Your hand finds her face. Fingers are red and bloody smudging against her cheek, blink and you're back there a million moments in the past; dotting red blush across her cheeks with a brush- your fingers- kissing it into place with your lips- painting a line of maroon across her eyelids to bring out the lighter flecks in her eyes- Watching her twirl in a red dress. Pressing your red lips against hers in a quiet dark moment in the library room. With her in Hobi's red car- Everything red.

If it starts with red, maybe it's fitting that it ends in red too.

Jin doesn’t give you time to reminisce. Pushing her shoulder down hard. His bare chest splattered with splinters from the door. Covered in wood fragments that stick to his black sweatpants and damp feet. Shouting, “All of you get down!”

You follow your pack omega’s words. Hobi and Tae With their damn alpha instincts blanket you as Jin fires again. The shots are so much louder in the small space. Another shot, another thunder strike. tae grips your wrist tight, your hands.

When you look down, they look mutilated. you can see bone in one place, deep gashes across the centre of your palms.

Your ears ring and you can't make sense of anything over the noise. Jin returns every bang with a boom of his own, bright flashes lighting up the dark staircase. Casing after casing tinkling down to the floor, rolling across the floorboards

But then, for a second- the gunfire goes quiet.

The house creeks and the three of you hold your breath. Jin's still half-concealed. The air heavy and clouded with gunsmoke and the smell of blood.

Hobi tentatively gets onto his knees and then stands when he doesn't immediately get shot at. You make a small noise in your throat, the loudest that you dare, but he’s looking after Jin, standing in the darkness, hackles raising his angry scent of burning sugar acrid in your nose. His hand slides out of yours, your blood on his palms.

And then you hear the rush of boots, echoing in the living room, near your nest- you’d never unmade it after you and Hobi fucked there. You'd been too busy taking care of Jimin. Hoseok bears his teeth.

Hobi turns, sliding out of your hands quicker than you can grab him. Quicker than you can tell him that he’s being dumb, that he’s being suicidal.

“Not my girlfriend! You asshole!”

The world is a dizzying cacophony of gunpowder, pain, bullets, and shouting. Jin yells Hoseok’s name. But the alpha heads after the assassin regardless of your cries. Jin narrowly keeps him from running headlong into no mans land. the open area by the door that would leave Hoseok a sitting duck.

Tae’s standing up on unsteady legs as you all spill out of the stairs into the narrow hall. Out from her hiding place cowering behind the banister. Your attention isn’t on her it’s on Hobi. Neither you nor Jin are looking at her. You’re running after him on shaky legs. Jin holds you both back, trying to corrall you. The air is cloudy with Gunsmoke, hazy and heavy. Her eyes are wide and pretty like dark marbles as she watches Hobi.

They’re just as pretty when the gun presses to the back of her head.

Everyone turns and goes still. The man has Tae in his arms, hand in her hair making her neck arch. The gun pressed to her jaw. Finger on the trigger.

Her body trembles and she doesn’t turn, frozen still in fear a shallow whine building in her throat.Jin has the gun trained on the man faster than you can make to step in Tae’s direction. But it’s no use.

He must have gone around, run through the livingroom through your pantry. A similar path that you took to surprise him. He must know the floor plan of the house, must have studied it to prevent situations like this. You have no upper hand here with tae in his arms.

Tae’s mouth is buttony and parted, but it settles into a resigned line.

Jin’s never been a good enough shot- not for one like this, even barely 10 feet away. He might hit Tae. Shaky, Jin takes his finger off the trigger and stoops down to put the gun on the floor. His other hand is up, already surrendering when the man jerks Tae's head back by her hair. Rougher than he needs to be.

“Don’t shoot her, please don’t shoot- please.”

The man juts his chin at the gun on the floor. “Kick it away now, be a good omega.” Jin grits his teeth but does as he says.

The man’s voice is rough as gravel. Dignified, but with no obvious accent. Not the quiet cadence that you’ve come to expect from the family. Neither posh nor lowbrow. Something in between. Flat and monotone. You're sure that you've never heard his voice before.

“I have to admit, your file said you’d be resistant, but it said nothing about you being dumb as fuck and a poor shot to boot.”

Jin licks his lips and bares his teeth, “Put that gun back in my hand and then say it again.” The masked man cocks his head to the side and then shrugs as if Jin's fury doesn't mean anything to him.

But He’s bleeding, it trails down to the floor so the words can't be genuine. It's a small wound, a graze on his right thigh. Red bright and hot that drips in onto the floor from his pant leg.

His hand tightens in Tae’s hair. “Line up against the wall. Now. Or I’ll blow her brains out in front of you."

You move first, eyes trained on Tae. But he snaps, eyes unreadable behind that mask, “No- not you. I’m not here to kill you.”

He tosses something to Jin and he catches it. Handcuffs that jingle and clink. Your foot hits an errant bullet with a similar tinkle. “Handcuff Jin to the stairs Hoseok.”

Your names, he knows your names. Your mind races over every detail, every moment trying to piece together a way to get out of this. a way to save them.

“Why are you doing this?” Hobi’s trembling, shaking. “Did Jimin-”

“Jiminie did nothing.” The man croons dragging the barrel of the gun down Tae’s cheek leaving a dark smudge in its wake. It's red on her face, the barrel must still be hot, your blood crusty around her lips.

“Honestly though, you should know he was a shit assassin. Truly piss poor even by industry standards. They always threw him the easiest kills."

The three of you are quiet, if he was hoping to elicit a reaction or more of a fight You don’t give him the satisfaction. Although jin grits his teeth, gnashing anger and an omega's feral instinct to protect their pups.

You step forward hands open, barely two steps from Tae. If you can just get to her maybe you can-

“Please- please don’t kill them."

He cocks his head at you, and you can hear the grin in his voice. “Oh no, you misunderstand me I’m not going to do any of it.”

He taps Tae’s head once again with the gun and Tae starts to truly struggle. You tremble in fury and horror as you realize what he means with a sickening lurch in your stomach.

“This is how it’s going to work Y/n” You still at the sound of your name. “Taehyung here is going to shoot Jin and Hoseok. And then once we’re sure they’re good and dead, I’ll kill her.” He tosses you another pair of handcuffs, these ones are meant for you.

You take one step closer; Jin's gun is between your feet now. But you couldn't pick it up or else he'd shoot Tae. Time, you just need a minute to figure out what to do. How to get them out of this.

Yourself now, that's a different story. If you where in Tae's position you'd turn your face to the side and bite the mans hand.

“And what about me then? If they're all dead what’s to stop me from fighting?” he seems to consider it only briefly, the gun in his hand tilting so that you can see the dark oval where the bullet will come out, where it will rocket through Tae's skull and take all the little worlds she dreams of, all her poems and words and make them nothing.

“You think you're so precious? I’ll just kill you.” he says it like it's nothing. like you're nothing. He nods to the others, appealing to them and not you. “What do you want? All four of you to die? Or just three? What will hurt Namjoon the least? Do you think Yoongi will survive loosing his mate? What do you think Jinnie?”

You think of Yoongi's mating mark, the spot on his hip where your small curved semi-circles sit. You think of them turning black- a brand of a dead mate. You think of Hobi's eyes opening and never closing again. You think of Jungkook nesting without Jin and you. Of Namjoon holding out his hand and having no one to take it without Jin there.

You won't let any of this happen.

The others shoot each other unsure glances but you shake your head. you shake your head because earlier on the step, the man didn't take the easy shot, the easy kill.

If he really had orders to kill you, he would have done it then.

you step forward and shake your head. “I don’t believe you. I know your orders are to take me. That’s what all of this is about isn’t it?” The man doesn’t drop his weapon. Just presses it tighter to Tae’s jaw.

“Handcuff Jin now Hobi. Or else I’ll-”

You see the darkness settle in Jin’s eyes and before you know it he's turning to you, eyes flat. Endless in their darkness, the way they might if-

You don't let yourself consider it. You won't let it get to that point.

“Pup-”

You guess it does make sense, having you kill each other as opposed to the assassin doing the dirty work and implicating Moonbyul. If you really are on that ‘no kill list’ like Yoongi said at the hospital, having you take out each other is the only logical course of action. Once Tae kills Jin and Hobi, she'll be free game. This is the only way retribution won’t fall back on her. This is so similar to what she tried and failed to do with Jimin and Jin. This is a second attempt.

Only-

Only this time, you have a bargaining chip.

You step forward, in front of Hobi and Jin, blocking them from his line of sight. Barely a pace in front of Tae, but from the way he tightens his grip on her you know that you can go no further.

“You can take me; I’ll go with you. Willingly.”

Jin makes a noise in his throat and tries to move, but dares not when the man tightens his grip on Tae’s hair hard enough to rip a bit of it out.

“That’s what she wants, isn’t it? If you just let them live I’ll go with you.”

The man is silent for a second. Hobi trembles and so does Jin. For a second, you truly think that he’s going to take the bait.

But the mask is directed towards the floor, then back up at you. “Those aren’t my orders.” His finger is on the trigger so close to Tae’s head. “Now cuff him, I don’t want Jinnie getting any ideas.”

Hobi’s hands are shaking as he unwillingly shackles Jin to the steps as slowly as he can. He's buying time too. Every second and every heartbeat is precious. Both ends loop around a single rung and click closed. The rung itself is a little loose from a bullet that blew it apart near the bottom, it’s got to be the loosest one. Hobi turns, and you see the pre-meditation in his eyes; he chose that one so that Jin could still get free if he tried hard enough.

Everyone is trying. Everyone is defiant. The quirk of Jin's eyes as he settles, staring with rage at the man, his voice a quiet croon when he says what might very well be the last words he ever speaks.

“Tae you can close your eyes honey, it’s okay.”

"No I can't" She struggles harder against his hold, but it only gets her part of her hair pulled out with how rough the man jerks her, tears clouding her vision. "I can't- don't- please-"

Tae's soul has always been butterfly soft and flower tender. She's not made for this. She's not made for murder or pain or anything that lacks softness. She's never been a killer; Jimin was always that side of their coin. Saint and sinner.

Your body goes cold and for a second, you think you just might pass out, especially when Hoseok grips your wrist. One final squeeze in what can only be goodbye before he steps away and in front of jin. Hair puffed up. Jin is lowering his eyes and no no no.

No.

Tae is staring at you, eyes wide and scared, but you watch in total powerlessness as her eyebrows lower. You see the moment Tae thinks it. Eyes meeting yours, lips mouthing something that you can’t read. Maybe I’m sorry no.

I love you. Sorry.

The truth is that Jimin drilled this with her years ago before she left for college and he couldn’t follow. When Jimin first realized that for the first time in their lives she’d be without him as a constant protector. Delicate delicate Tae with her delicate pink soul. So vulnerable to the world and all its wickedness.

Tae didn't confront him about it until the nightmares were waking him up regularly. They were simple nightmares back then; images of Tae hurt and mugged. Tae beaten and left in an alleyway. Tae stalked through the night. Simple, but enough to keep him awake. Enough to torture him in his wakon hours as well as the nighttime.

If Jimin saw her now he'd pull the heavens down and demand something truly awful in exchange. He'd take one of the knives from the kitchen and gut him from belly button to addams apple. He'd eviscerate him- and Namjoon might help.

Hut there is no one here to do any of that, there is only Tae in the man's hold.

“What are you so scared of?” She’d asked one morning, trailing endless patterns on his chest in an effort to soothe him back to sleep.

“Something happening to you while I’m not there, mostly.”

“Would it make you feel better? If you taught me the basics?”

Jimin's pause is telling, more telling are his eyes, hopeful when he looks up at Tae. “Yes, it would.”

It’s been years and years since Jimin Tae have bothered to drill any self-defense sequences it at all. Since he stopped asking her to refresh the basics with him once a year just to make sure. Jimin never thought that Tae would have to use those skills. Like with most things, you just sort of hope you don't have to fight.

But Tae knows you did fight. It's written all over your bloody face and your bloody hands, tightened to fists by your side. If you fought tooth and nail to save them she should fight too.

Tae has written fight scenes like this before. If she survives the press of the gun to the back of her head, she’s gonna have one hell of a personal experience to pull from for her book. The content will be endless.

She seems to swell in the space, alpha shoulders settling back. Her mouth is moving, mouthing words her eyes on you. Just in case this is the last thing she ever does.

I’m sorry, I love you.

“Be a good boy and pick up the gun Tae.” Tae bends down, syrupy slow. Intentional with her every movement. One heartbeat. Another. Tae's fingers are maybe an inch from the gun when everything goes haywire.

When she's about halfway bent she uses her momentum to hurl her body back, slamming her head into the gun and then into the man’s face. Cracking the mask and from the sound of it, the man’s nose. Tae's almost knocks herself out with the force of her own head colliding with the man’s face.

She turns, she’s not finished, not even close. She might be a woman but she’s an alpha too. Alphas always always fight to protect their pack. She turns and swings.

And drives her elbow as hard as she can between the alpha’s legs.

Hobi can’t stop his flinch. That has to hurt.

The assassin’s gun goes flying, skittering across the dark floor and under the bookcase and Hobi ends up lunging for it. You go after it too but you end up holding Tae instead, crumpling to the floor without anything to hold her up. She’s holding the back of her head, eyes watering.

The traditional mask lyes in pieces around you, shatered by the force of tae's headbut. The man clutches his nose, features still covered by the ski mast. Growling out- "Bitch- fucking bitch! I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill all of you-"

Jin struggles yanking his cuffed hands down as hard as he can- in another minute he might get loose, but not quick enough as Hobi finds the gun and raises it. The bullet hits the molding beside your pantry, missing the man by inches as he dives away to safety. A lucky shot by any standard, let alone for a beginner. Hobi shoots off after him. knocking into the wall before he's up and chasing it.

“Are you okay, Tae, Tae- look up at me.” Tae is clutching the back of her head. Blinking rabidly. That fucking hurt even if it was worth it.

“I’m fine just-” She leans over your legs and vomits, retching loud and horrible. Concussion- she must have given herself a concussion. Namjoon told you months ago how to read the signs of them shortly after the first time Jungkook ever had a seizure in front of you.

You hold her shoulders, watching Jin try and break himself free, yanking his wrists hard enough that it has to hurt. Moving to try and help him.

And then Hobi makes a noise in the other room, a pained ghasp, A thump and then-

Tae is already up and running, stumbling into the wall. You glance at Jin. "Go- just go" Jin grinds out. But Tae has longer legs than you do even concussed.

By the kitchen, Hobi slips on a fallen tangerine. (You remember then, Yoongi clearing the table with a brush of his hands for Jimin, tossing a whole bowl of them onto the floor. Where they've stayed since then) they're fighting, the man must have managed to disarm Hobi somehow because the gun sits under one of the chairs. Both of them are fighting just beside the dining room table. Part of it splintered and broken where someone broke it.

They're grappling on the floor now. Pushing against each other trying to gain the upper hand. you've watched the alpha's wrestle before- small disputes to settle and reaffirm the hierarchy, but you've never seen hobi move like this. You watch the man grasp at his waist reaching for the knife. His hands so slick with his own blood that it clatters to the floor. Hobi may not be trained but he's a fighter too. Gnashing his teeth and growling. Reaching up into the shallow gash at the mans throat and digging in his fingers.

And then he’s got Hobi on the ground and his hands around your alpha's throat. Tae tries to get him off but he backhands her, sending her sprawling to the ground and clutching her cheek. Too dizzy to stand. Big hands that squeeze and squeeze and squeeze Hobi's narrow throat. Spit at the corner of his lips turning frothy as hoseok tries to breathe and can't.

“I didn’t come this far to get killed by a bunch of family rejects; 11 years and 1458 kills later and I will not die. Just give up already- I didn’t come this far to-”

Hobi’s face is turning purple, hands scrabbling, pushing against his face trying to get him off unsuccessfully. Dying there on the floor. Hobi is going to die right there if you don't do anything.

Jin is shouting from the other room and there is a frying pan in the kitchen. On the countertop that you snatch on your way past, winding up for it before you swing it with all your might at the man's head and-

At the end of the day, it’s hard to say exactly what kills him. Whether it's you or Tae who wields the killing blow. It’s more of a group effort between you and her.

Tae has read countless books that described love as some gentle force, but this love has not made her gentle. Tae cannot sit there on the floor and watch Hobi die. She'd do anything to protect him and the pack. She’d kill people like Minnie did, would lie just as Jin had, would have sacrificed anything- even herself just like Yoongi.

Love had always been giving in Tae's mind, and she would give countless sins and untold violence, to have this not be the last day with you and the pack.

The gun is just sitting there under the chair. tae hardly has to lean over to get it. (If she makes it out of this alive, she swears to himself that she'll finally start taking those kickboxing classes that Jungkook teaches.) Tae lifts the gun at the same moment that your hand descends with the frying pan.

Tae turns, points, aims, and fires. She doesn’t even think twice about it. The trigger goes down as easily as breathing.

Getting shot in the throat definitely distracts him enough, definitely makes him let go of Hobi, clutching at his own throat instead of his. blood rushing over his hand and down onto hobi's face. So much that it almost splashes.

And then the frying pan hits his head with a hollow final thud.

There is a placid terror in things like this, a quiet as things go and come. The thumping, the sobbing breaths you let out, the descent of your hand, beating out your terror on the body below, a vessel for all of your fear.

The handle of the frying pan is thick and heavy in your hands. You bring it down on the man’s head, the curved edge of the cast iron connects with the plate of his skull with a hollow thud. One second, he's clutching at his blown-apart throat, and the next he goes limp, blood and brain matter splatters loud and heavy along the floor. Falling on top of Hobi like a lead weight.

Hobi's brown eyes are bloodshot and red in his mouth, heaving one big breath that sends the room spinning. Sends vertigo into his veins and panic-running adrenaline. You lift your arms up again and hit him, descending again and again.

His body is still, so still. His chest gives one open shudder and then goes truly quiet. Frozen in time. You are covered in blood, in your mouth, on your hair, on the ceiling. More and more splatters as your hand goes up and then down in an endless loop.

Dark cotton soaks, matted with blood and brain matter, blurry from your tears. A bit of it hits your face, wet and stinky. People never tell you how horrible it smells when people die.

You don’t stop hitting the man, even when it's clear he's dead. Even when you glare down at him through the tears in your eyes and see half a face staring up at you. An eyeball rolls across the floor.

There are arms around you pulling you off of him eventually. Dry warm arms, big and heavenly. One wrist dangles with a pair of handcuffs as Jin yanks you back from the man. The body.

“Pup- It’s done, pup- he's gone- Stop.”

There is blood all over you. On your face, on your hands, around the frying pan. Tae too, sitting just beside you. Half of her body splattered. Hobi's soaked with it and still struggling to breathe. But both of them, the three of them are alive.

“It’s over pup.” Jin sounds like he might be crying. Tae definitely is.

Hobi puts his head between his knees, gasping for every breath but still breathing. Tae's got him in his lap. Holding on to him as he splutters. face so soaked with blood he can't open his eyes without blinking rapidly.

It’s anything but over you think as you let go of the handle of the frying pan.

It clatters to the ground with a bloody and final thunk.

~-~

Please Like, Comment, and Reblog! Every bit of encouragement helps me write the next chapter!

Come tell me what you liked about this chapter!

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~-~

Notes:

if the beginning of the chapter feels weird/different in terms of narration that is because it was mostly written 3+ years ago and my writing style has changed alot! kinda crazy! hopefully people will just attribute it to hoseok's internal monologue. it might be meandering but i kept reminding myself that this is hoseok at his lowest you know?

One thing i want you guys to realize is that the m/c may not be smart, but holy fuck can she take a beating and still get up.

Gun shoot outs are uniquely hard to write because like, just bang and it's done right? idk why part of this writing just felt so tedious usually i love writing stuff like this :(

hobi calls the m/c his girlfriend 🥺 did you guys notice???? he's such a cute pup charecter.

i have more notes for this chapter BUT i can't share them until the next one is out because it involves hobi's secret.

i hope you guys see like- how good the m/c actually is at the crime and thinking on her feet shit- i think that this chapter above all others shows her street smarts. she knows to keep the guy talking and distracted- i think it compliments her similarities to jimin and jin like. the trio of them are very capable people you know? vs hobi who just headlong rushes the assassin and fucks shit up. i'm not saying it's his fault- he does the best that he can in this chapter.

I'm trying to pull from my actual knowledge of how guns work but fun fact, silencers are still fucking loud, like still so loud that you need ear protection. and even blank bullets can still cause serious injury at close range.

I'm again at the stage where i can't tell if the gun shooting scene is clunky and too predictable or if it's actually as creepy as i've made it out to be.

This is one of those situations- the bargaining for each others lives, that i've actually never had to handle. it's actually pretty unusual for me to write about things that i haven't experienced in some way shape or form.

i've only written a few scenes in my life that have made me wonder like "huh- i wonder if people might actually think that i've seen a dead body, been around a dead body, or killed someone before?" and ngl, the scene with the assassin dying is one that makes me wonder that... i promise i just have a scarily vivid imagination.

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secretagentspydetectiveninja · 2 months

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The new trilogy means we finally got official French translations of the fifth and sixth games (the fourth already had one) so I did my thing and played through them, since they're always a lot of fun. Here are some things about French Dual Destinies I thought you might like to know:

Yes, it's set in France as per usual. They are all French people who live in Paris. And yes, that means that in this universe there is a Japanese village themed around yokai within throwing distance of Paris.

Athena lived in America in this version, and therefore peppers her speech with English and Spanish. My favourite unhinged franglais line was "let's get au travail" which I will be using from now on because it's hilarious

Many characters got French pun names again. Simon's name is "Jack Lamenoire" -- Jack, because the French version of Simon Says uses the name Jack/Jacques, and "lame noire" means "black blade". (Also he's not British or anything in this version, he just speaks in somewhat old-timey French.)

He has multiple nicknames for the judge that are all slight variations of "Your Baldness". He doesn't do that "-dono" suffix thing but he does refer to Phoenix in particular as "Maître Wright".

...I don't like pointing out things I didn't like buuuuuut his voice is a huge downgrade. Actually, to be honest, I don't like the new French voices that much in general... idk man they just don't sound very enthusiastic...

Filch's name is "Arsène Loupet", reference to the famous fictional thief Arsène Lupin, which I thought was pretty cool! (Herlock Sholmes was also a reference to that series too btw!)

Athena and Apollo use informal pronouns for each other pretty much from the get-go, but there have been some changes from the previous games: Phoenix now uses the informal "tu" for Apollo (and Athena) whereas in the prev game he didn't, Pearl now uses "tu" for Phoenix as well, and Klavier uses "tu" for Apollo now (but Apollo still calls him the formal "vous" lmao)

SPEAKING OF... SPEAKING OF. The French localisation continues to utterly baffle me when it comes to Klavier (or Konrad as he's called in French). No listen, liSTEN. In the previous game he was specifically stated to be English and did his law exams in England and dropped English words into his speech (and this is still the case in the trilogy version, I checked). But now?? They seem to have gone back on it and in this game he says he's German again, like the in English translation??? But he's still dropping English words into his speech randomly????? Look I already went through the five stages of grief when I found out they'd english-ified him, I made my peace with it, and NOW they change it???????

God and his new French voice sucks too (his old one was actually good)... what have they done to you my poor boy, was making you English not bad enough T_T Oh and he and Athena didn't even get their little language club moment where they both start speaking in the same foreign language?? Like, that just straight-up didn't happen here and I had been waiting for it aauuugh it's cool it's fine it's cool i'm okay i'm--

True to Dual Destinies fashion, there are still typos. In an emotional moment, Apollo took a leave of asbence from the office. Not absence. Asbence.

I can't put my finger on it but Robin's coming out scene felt more... respectful in French? The English translation was done over a decade ago so it feels somewhat dated, maybe that's why... I obviously don't know if she was purposely written to be a trans girl but she very much comes across that way, and it feels like the French translators were aware of that interpretation and took it into account, idk maybe it's just me

THEY GOT RID OF MY FAVOURITE LINE. THE FORESHADOWEY ONE WHERE SIMON TELLS ATHENA THAT THE PERSON SHE WANTS TO SAVE MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD DOESN'T DESIRE HER DEFENCE, AND HE'S CLEARLY TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF. THE FRENCH MADE HIM SAY SOMETHING ELSE WAY LESS COOL. I don't wanna be like "FRENCH TURNABOUT ACADEMY IS DEAD TO ME" because most of it was awesome, but man these occasional things made me wanna flip tables

Cosmic Turnabout and Turnabout for Tomorrow were great in French though, so there's that. Clay's French name is "Pierre" which worked surprisingly well because it means stone or rock, and the moon rock was also called that, so like, the phantom had to kill Pierre in order to get the pierre... idk it worked and it was cool

Simon and Athena switch to using informal pronouns for each other very near the end of the game, in the scene where they work together to psychologically mess with the phantom. It's around the time when they start openly calling each other by first name since everyone knows now that they're old friends.

Phoenix and Edgeworth also occasionally refer to each other by first name in this game, which threw me off completely. (Reminder that Edgeworth's French name is "Benjamin Hunter". Just picture Phoenix standing in front of Edgeworth and calling him BENJAMIN. Now you understand how absolutely bizarre it felt.)

Here's the entirety of The Dissin' of Phoenix Wright in French

#ace attorney #dual destinies #aa5 spoilers #random stuff #there's actually a fan translation of this game too but last i checked it wasn't publicly available yet #i think i'd still like to play it though. i know they worked super hard on it #i'll make a post about the next game as well when i can be bothered bc i have stuff to say about that too

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etz-ashashiyot · 1 month

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About Me/FAQs

This is a new blog for a new chapter of my life. Starting over is both a little bittersweet and very freeing.

You can call me Avital. I am a non-binary traditional egalitarian Jew living in the US. Any pronouns except they/them are fine. (!היא/את בעברית, בבקשה. תודה)

I really appreciate human interaction. That being the case, if you follow me and I don't already follow you, please send me a DM with the following:

What you want me to call you (internet name, username, nickname, whatever)

What brought you here and made you want to follow me

Something random about you that you feel comfortable sharing (pet pics are always welcome too <3)

I had a whole lot of other rules on my previous blog to weed out the faint of heart, but I genuinely don't know how well that worked, so instead I will simply put roughly the same information below as resources and recommended reading. Fair warning: I will operate from a baseline assumption that you've done the reading and therefore will not be explaining anything in them.

I also had a listing of my firm opinions and other miscellaneous information. That got long and unwieldy, but a lot of people seemed to appreciate it, so I will post roughly the same list under the cut.

The current username refers to my current symbol of a tree of lanterns in the starlight. This is related to my desire to create self-symbolism, old school style (like I really want to create a family crest, a flag, a seal, and other heraldic nonsense. Why? Because it delights me, of course.)

This page is under construction and subject to change at any time.

B'vracha,

Avital

Recommend Reading

For followers who are Christian, were Christian, are non-Jews who grew up in a Christian culture and/or have only learned about Judaism through Christianity, these links are very helpful in unpacking some of the antisemitism you were taught:

Better Parables (specifically the article about Pharisees, but read the rest of the site too, it's great)

Antisemitic readings of the Temple table-flipping incident in the New Testament

The current Israel-Hamas war and just המצב discourse in general require a lot of background knowledge to discuss intelligently, and not just propaganda. There is a LOT of antisemitism in the public around this topic and it is having serious real-world consequences for Jews all over the world. The mis- and disinformation is causing problems for everyone involved. Islamophobia in the West has increased as well. If you're going to engage in this discussion, I am respectfully but forcefully asking you to read the following sources. They are useful regardless of where you fall on that political scale.

There Is No Magic Peace Fairy

Ways to help: [1], [2], [3]

Is your pro-Palestine activism hurting innocent people? Here's how to avoid that

A non-exhaustive list of antisemitic incidents, attacks, and pogroms during [OP's] lifetime

An exceptionally long and thorough explanation of antisemitism and antisemitic violence throughout history

Why The Most Educated People in America Fall for Antisemitic Lies by Dara Horn (tumblr link in case the article link gets broken)

An excellent overview of the basics

This is nowhere near complete information, but it's an important start. I will very likely continue to add resources as they become available and would love to create a primer on this topic more generally.

About the blog:

I’m going to try my best to keep this blog to primarily Judaism, comparative religion and theology, with the occasional side sprinkling of queer & trans stuff, BUT it is absolutely a personal blog at the end of the day.

I talked about Israel and המצב stuff a lot on my previous blog and will likely continue a bit over here too. I welcome a broad swath of opinions, so long as they objectively treat all parties involved as human and deserving of safety, stability, freedom, dignity, and peace. That is apparently a large ask these days, and a not-small part of why I keep talking about this issue. Please be part of the voices that give me hope for the future, okay?

Minors can follow and interact but please keep in mind that I’m probably closer to your parents' age than yours if you do want to interact with me directly.

Interactions:

Rude asks will be deleted. Harassing blogs will be blocked and probably reported.

I consider anything even remotely in the vicinity of trying to proselytize to me to be “harassing,” or at a minimum, rude. Just FYI.

Otherwise, nice interactions are welcomed.

Banter is encouraged; trolling will be ignored

If I don't respond to your interaction, there's a strong chance that I (a) have no idea what to say and am thinking about it, (2) totally meant to respond and just forgot after the notif disappeared, and/or (3) got incredibly busy. It's not personal! Please don't be shy about following up with me if you like. I promise that if we have a problem that is fixable, you'll know. If we have a problem that is not fixable, you'll be blocked.

I am currently learning Ivrit and am delighted to have interactions in Hebrew. Please feel free to message me, reply to posts or reblog, submit asks, etc. in Hebrew and I will do my best to read and respond to it. (Responses will be slower, but not for lack of appreciation of your thoughts!)

Anything else, just ask.

Hard stances:

You're not going to change my mind on these things; I've looked at the evidence, my personal experiences, and thought about them long and hard, and I am not going to be swayed by an internet rando. I can (often, but not always) co-exist just fine with people who I disagree with, but if seeing my posts about this is going to upset you, just do us both a favor and block me now please.

I am deeply distressed at how many people are choosing to live in a "post-factual society" where the truth is based on truthiness vibes and the politics are based on the quippiest of slogans. I don't care who's doing it, misinfo, disinfo, propaganda, atrocity denial, and gaslighting are BAD. There is no nuance here; these are bad things. They are bad if they go against your cause and they are bad if they "support" your cause. No cause is better than the truth.

If we cannot have a discussion where we are operating from the same baseline reality of verifiable facts, we cannot have a productive conversation and I will not engage with you. We can agree or disagree on a lot and that is fine, but facts matter.

If you cannot be reasoned with in accepting verifiable facts as reality, you need help. I'm serious. That is cult behavior. Get off tumblr and get help.

I don't know how to tell you that you should care about other people. If you don't see the inherent worth in other human beings' lives, I can't fix that. Go take that struggle to G-d and heal your soul.

Queer might be a slur in the mouths of some people, but my identity isn't. Don't reblog my posts if you're going to tag it with "q slur" or "q word" or censored in some way. I'm not Gay as in "I prioritize cis men over the entire rest of the community" but Queer as in "my personal labels are none of your business but my political stance on queer liberation sure as fuck will be."

I support the right of the Jewish people to self-determination in our ancestral homeland of Israel, the same way that I support other indigenous groups' right to self-determination in their ancestral homelands. If you don't, I'm going to need you to examine why Jews should be singled out of every other group to be denied this right or denied support in seeking it. That said, I definitely do not agree with many of the decisions made by the Israeli government, especially (but far from exclusively) regarding their treatment of Palestinians. I think both Jews and Palestinians deserve to live in peace, safety, freedom, dignity, and self-determination for both. No one is going anywhere; any real solution must recognize that. I tend to favor this proposal by A Land for All as an ideal (and given the grassroots nature of this idea, I think it could work pragmatically too, if the political will exists on both sides.)

I waver between calling myself a liberal Zionist and rejecting the Zionist/anti-Zionist dichotomy altogether because it inherently puts the validity of an existing state up for debate rather than looking at real solutions for the future. Bottom line: I'm a humanitarian and a pragmatist, and I care about all the people who call that part of the world home.

🌻 I stand with Ukraine 🇺🇦

Free Iran from the Islamic Republic // Women Life Freedom

Abortion is a human right and should be safe, legal, available on demand, and shameless. It's a necessary medical procedure and it's completely barbaric that we're still talking about it as anything else.

Birth control, abortion, and no-fault divorce are actively positive parts of society and building healthy families.

Transition care is healthcare and also a human right. Allowing people to transition prevents self-harm and suicide, and has an extremely high efficacy rate with an exceptionally low level of risk or regret. We now have well over a century of data on this.

That said, detransitioners who are still supportive of trans people/aren't transphobic are more than welcome here, as any exploratory process deserves the right to say, "Interesting! But nope!"

Transunity, ace/aro positivity, and just inclusionism in general, 100%. Fuck off with anything else.

If you don't vaccinate yourself and your kids for any reason other than medical necessity, and especially if you promote anti-vaxxer views and the associated pseudoscience, you are actively harming the most vulnerable members of society for entirely selfish reasons and that makes you a bad person. I hope your kids bypass you to get vaccinated.

Wear a mask 😷

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miscling · 3 months

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About Miscling

This is a horny blog for horny blog things. Please don't interact if you're a minor/under 18, go away, shoo. if you follow me, make sure to have some indication of your age in your bio or pinned

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

i am nameless, so call me whatever you like, lin is fine if you need a name. i am a girl, toy, doll, cow, kitty, slut, and ditz. i like to talk to people and am not scary at all, so send asks and dms about anything at all as much as you like. i'll try to respond to everyone!

i am an obedient good girl, who likes being praised. i like being given tasks to do and then be praised for doing the task!

This is a hornyblog that mostly follows other horny and trans blogs. i am a trans woman who has a cunt, i am also autistic and have adhd.

i would like to get to know other poly queer trans people who are very kinky and would especially like messages/follows from them. i am a fun trans sub looking for other trans people ^^ i am mostly T4T, but cis people are fun to play with too! I am in the UK, and would desperately like to hear from any other queer trans people that are also here.

i (re)blog about edging, hypno kink, bdsm, fetishwear, tickling, masochism, petplay (i'm a kitty), hucows/lactation, monsterfucking, CNC, mindbreaking, dollification, dronification, and a lot of generally weird horny things that i'm into. i'm an exhibitionist, submissive, and easily controlled by people who make me feel safe. i'm just a dumb horny girl who is controlled by her cunt. i do not consider myself a person but a toy, i am not a person in the way a cherished item or pet is not a person.

Real people don't wish they weren't people, after all.

Also, i started collecting likes on my previous pinned, saying if i got to 100 notes I'd start sharing links to my edging audios on my blog. If i carry on, and got up to 31 on my last pinned, then this one only needs to get to... 69 (hehe nice) before i'll start doing it. You should like this post if you read it!

Tags and links:

About Miscling contains every post that's about me.

You can find pics of me in Miscling Appears. (it's okay to go on a reblogging and liking spree through them)

i make original posts under Miscling Rambles and posts about my lactation journey in Miscling Lactates

You can send me tasks with my ask tasks meme! I will take tasks from literally anyone ^^ you can see tasks I've done here! If you like or follow my blog, think about sending me a task as a little gift!

I learned to edge last year and was broken by a poll I ran to get permission to cum here then here and here. i hope to never cum again without being forced. i can't be forced to cum over the internet. i kept an edging diary for a while and my last orgasm was 1feb24.

I love to write, and I especially like to write about kink. Read bits about my play with Miscling Plays and stories I wrote with Miscling Writes.

Use my ask box liberally, anon or not. i'll answer near anything and you can use my ask meme tag and miscling answers to find questions to ask me (scroll the tag and use any meme you like, but copy in the questions or link the meme!)

I have a lovense wishlist (long distance remote vibrators)

I have an amazon wishlist (lingerie and random kink things)

I have a cashapp link (if you just want to tip me directly)

I have a ko-fi link! (please don't reference anything nsfw on kofi if you use this)

I'm trying to tag my kinks so i can find them when i want them, this is no guarantee that i'll tag things though. mommysub for posts about being a mommysub, goddess thoughts for religionplay where i'm a subby goddess, Bind Miscling for bondage, hit me for masochism, moo for hucow things, lee mood for tickling, oh my circuits for robot/drone things, maid day for maids, tidy up tuesday for my maid day, monsterling for monsterfucking posts, hypno gif, spiral, hypno txt, and hypnaudio, for hypno play, and hypnoslut for general hypno posts, preyling for primal play, latexcellent for rubberwear, and as i figure out others i'll add them...

I'm a slutty set of holes, a toy for others to use. Fill my mouth, cunt, and ass.

Also, I have some limits:

i have a nest partner, i won't let anything come between us

i do not like misogyny, transphobia, racism, or bigotry. This applies to kink too.

i don't like possessive language, only people i trust can own me

please don't try to make me cum or ask/tell me to

i don't really roleplay, i much like to do over pretending to do

don't call me a bitch or a puppy. i like puppy petplayers a lot, but i am a kitty petplayer.

i don't like being treated as inferior, i might be lesser, but i should still matter and be treated with care and respect

sissy blogs dni, i am a woman, do not reblog my pics to your sissy blog, i will block you if i spot you.

i am a toy for others to enjoy!

(Most tasks recieved and completed in one day: 18) (Most tasks recieved on a special occasion: 48)

ASK TASKS: OPEN

use my ask box to send me tasks to do! i'd love to entertain and perform for you all! i am a good and obedient girl, and i enjoy getting tasks to do!

choose one or more task emoji and send them to me! include instructions if you send complicated tasks

tasks can come from anyone, even anons!

i'll do tasks as soon as i can! i have to finish my work wach day before i can play. basic tasks i'll do on my own, but i'll need help for the slightly more complicated ones so they might be a little while! Mutuals can DM me with DM tasks, and if i'm available we'll play ^^

task list below the readmore

BASIC TASK LIST!

🗜️ make me wear nipple clamps for 5 minutes! 📦 make me wear 10 pegs on my cunt for 10 minutes! 🤚 make me slap my cunt 5 times! ⚡ choose a part of me and make me use my TENS unit there for 10 mins. 🪆 dolly time! for the next 30 mins make me cup my hands, stay on my tip toes, and arch my back. 😺/🐮 petplay! for the next 30mins, make me keep off my furniture and only move around on all fours. make me put on my animal ears based on which one you send! 🤖 make me a good robot and complete one thing on my to-do list! ♾️ make me get my breast cups and pump my breasts for 15 mins! 🤐 make me gag myself for half an hour! (tell me what kind of gag to use and if I have it I'll use it, otherwise I'll pick) 🧣 make me put on my collar if i'm not already wearing it! 👗 make me get undressed and be naked for the next 30 mins! ✏️ make me write what you tell me on my body where you tell me! 💖 make me draw a little heart on myself where you tell me! 😵‍💫 make me stare at a spiral for 5 minutes (send me a spiral to use) (i won't use spirals that give me bad vibes, but i'll use any i've already reblogged) 🗣️ ask me anything, name a kink or give me a topic to write about (kinky or otherwise) and make me infodump about it. 🔊 send me a post or a write something for me to record saying, and i'll post the recording. 📝 make me go add 100 words to my current WIP novel. 🫴 make me edge for 10 minutes (Send me instructions, porn, a post to edge to, or a mantra to repeat while I do it, you can use my mantra tag for ideas. i cannot do this task on thursdays) 🕳️ make me fill up a hole for 10 minutes! (Choose to plug my cunt or/and ass, i cannot do this task on thursdays) 👅 make me stick my tongue out for 10 minutes! 💋 make me go practice deepthroating for 5 mins! 🍇 make me go get a snack and a drink! ❌ make me go take a break outside for 5 mins! 😴 make me go lay down in bed for 15 mins, no screens allowed.

SLIGHTLY MORE COMPLICATED TASK LIST!

👋 i'll ask my nestie to tickle me for 5 mins! (check my toybox) 🖐️ i'll ask my nestie to slap me 10 times! choose my face or tits 🏓 i'll ask my nestie to hit me 10 times! choose my ass or thighs (check my toybox) 👣 i'll ask my nestie to put elastic bands around my feet and snap the band against my soles 10 times. (nestie enjoys doing this to me) 🫶 i'll ask my nestie to choke me and hold my breath over a 5 minute session (please do not mix with other tasks) ⛓️ i'll get myself tied up and restrained for 30 mins! 🥊 No hands! make me put on my hand mitts for 15 minutes!

DM TASKS

If we're mutuals, you can dm me and play with me in other ways. Ask me for my lovense toy control links, combine tasks into one bigger task, send me files to listen to or hypnotise me yourselves, make me wear a diaper or control my toilet use, or suggest other things to do with me that you'd like! Non-mutuals who've gotten to know me can ask to play too.

Or...

⁉️ Give me a task not listed! (You can find the contents of my toybox here for ideas) (I reserve the right to safeword, but I'm very open and obedient, so shoot your shot)

#about miscling #why are these always so lonnnggggggg #if there's one thing i know how to autistically infodump about it's ✨myself✨#misc pinned post

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afrognamedfizzarolli · 5 days

Text

Helluva Boss observations and easter eggs you may not have noticed!: Pilot

The pilot is both a great place and weird place to start, as it is our introduction to the cast and world, but also no longer considered canon. Many of the events and details we learn/see are later confirmed in the series itself, but there were quite a few changes.

I want to start off with some design changes!

With Millie, she used to have white roots visible, this actually kept up for a few of the early episodes. As we know now it seems imps have two noticeable instances of sexual dimorphism: females have black horns with thin white stripes and naturally black hair, and males have evenly sized black and white stripes on their horns and naturally black hair. We see many trans or otherly gender queer imps that dye their hair with visible roots. I assume Millie's design was changed when that was established to be a gender difference in imps.

Her heart tattoo is also much smaller, and switches sides (an animation error almost certainly) When the pilot first came out I actually thought she had a heart on both shoulders.

Some stuff with Stolas!

We see his hand outlined with a red glow at one point, presumably representing his magic. While in the series his magic is represented by blue. This is most likely due to the change of his character as he was originally planned to be a villain.

Not a design change, but I find it funny that Stolas' name in Blitzø's phone is "Creepy Mouth (aka one night stand bird dick)". Surprisingly all being spelled correctly.

Stolas' Grimore! I actually only noticed this on this last watch. It was a darker blue(purple? red? It changes in different scenes) and instead of the moon design it has a different insignia of his that we still see throughout the series in various places (notably on his bed) it also has no design on the back.

Little details!

I didn't realize before either that the woman who Moxxie is trying to shoot before Eddie gets in the way, is Eddie's mom. I'm sure this is something many others picked up on immediately though.

Speaking of which, the human news anchor shown at the end bares a striking resemblance to a character of Brandons: a news anchor named Flint Dicker.

A poster of "THE AMAZING IMP SIBLINGS" is on the wall of the conference room. Showing Blitzø, Barbie Wire, and another character labeled "Tilla". This was changed in the series to just being Blitzø and Barbie, Tilla's design being slightly altered and then used for their mom.

Hazbin easter eggs! Oh boy is there a lot of them.

In the commercial sequence we see in the room of one of the targets a framed drawing of Sir Pentious

In the background of when Blitzø is interviewing a previous client, there is a billboard for 666 News ft. A photo of Katie Killjoy, I especially love this one as Brandon ended up voicing her!

In Blitzø's office he had a vision board labeled "BOSS GOALS" with 5 drawings, in the center is Blitzø labeled "ME!" Top left we have Katie again, top right is a duck with a top hat and two $'s, this assumably referencing Lucifer, bottom left is Rosie, an arrow pointing to her hat labeled so eloquently "HAT" and lastly in the bottom right there is a more detailed drawing that looks to be Carmilla Carmine labeled "Moxxie drew not as good" this tracking later as in 1.05 "The Harvest Moon Festival" Moxxie talks about Carmine angelic weaponry, showing a great interest in her business.

Next is a dumpster in an alley with various graffiti. Notably, a face that looks to be Nifty, "ALWAYS CHASING RAINBOWS" and "HAPPY HOTEL". There is also a sinister face labeled "DEVIL". Im not sure if this is a specific refrence to anything though.

Lastly, one that I'm sure almost everyone noticed but feel the need to include, is we can see Loona watching Charlie's performance of "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow"

Funny observations:

When the crew teleports into the church, we see maany people with some pretty detailed designs, I do not know if or what they may be referencing, but I have a strong suspicion it is something, my guess is that they are caricatures of some people who worked on the pilot. One person in specifically is wearing a jacket with a patch reading "WHEN YOU SEE IT" with a 👌

Signs! In the hospital we see a sign saying "WE SAVE LIVES" in faded text it reads between we and save "try to" and after lives another line is visible starting with "but" I cannot make out the rest.

Others show that they are in ward 13, the next room over labeled as 667, implying the room that Eddie was in is 666

A note is taped to the side of the fridge of the break room reading "LOONA DONT EAT MY LUNCH -MOXXIE"

Another thing I only noticed recently is when Blitzø sneaks out at the Goetia palace, he is naked except for his jacket, with the grimore serving as some creative censorship. (+Stella's beta design. I personally love her current design, but this one wasn't bad)

When Blitzø makes the comment about making Moxxie the employee of the month he holds up a small plaque as an example, a larger version of this same plaque, is visible on a wall in the commercial sequence.

While in their hazmat suits(idk if that's what these actually are), you can see the shape of Moxxie's bowtie under it

... and just Blitzø holding some targets panties, cause why not

There are a handful of other details, but I'm going to hold onto those as later on we see call backs to them. Also, I've spent a lot more on this than Id planned already, I have at least 3 hours on this one alone.

Please bare with me, I promise these will get more interesting the further we go in the series!

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glass--beach · 3 months

Note

my personal idea of how this album works as a metaphor is keyed on the idea of discovering oneself as transgendered increasingly in time. it's probably keyed through my own experience but all art is, basically. so,

starting with coelacanth, a song named after a creature widely known as a living fossil, ie focusing on the notion of an old animal. a dying animal. the song feels lethargic throughout and mellow. "the ghost rots away through the embrace of its own gaze" something already dead rots further, further, by the way of its self perception. coelacanth is about the body as a condemning routine.

motions is about the machine-like experience of trying to feel better and find direction while stuck in the prism of other people's gaze. "motions", as in trying to move, but without a particular direction.

slip under the door is about seeking escape. i know this feeling much too well... it's pure rage and anger at realizing of not being afforded any bodily autonomy.

guitar song is about writing about these things. struggling to delineate one's experiences while feeling a burning need to express them nonetheless.

rare animal is the key to the whole album posed as a question. it's at once self acceptance, seeing oneself as a rare beast, the idea of the romantic relationship here is just a metaphor about one's relationship with gender: the song asks, is it really ok to be so attached to something that gives you nothing but a meandering sense of emptiness? DB cooper's case here is being used as a way to talk about a "previous self" disappearing. it's trying to use the image of transness as deviant to the purpose of being admonishing, something dangerous and that the wider public is unable to understand, and then trying to answer to that by saying "ok. and? i know what happened to DB cooper. he got away with the ransom." which is to say that it's underlining that the presupposed 'deviancy' is fine. not being understood by everyone is fine; you can be a rare animal if you want to be.

cul-de-sac is self-reflection; it's about interpreting one's past and trying to understand why it took so long to figure out what was figured out in rare animal. and it turns out: it's the culture of normativity that the cul-de-sac, as the idyllic american suburb ideal represents as a whole. it's a symbol of the Nuclear Family. it's also interesting to not that a cul-de-sac is topographically a dead end. it doesn't change. it does not move.

whalefall is probably the one i'm less sure about how to fit in this whole interpretation of the album... but i feel like it's specifically about, in this key about the album as a whole Transgender Metaphor, a song about being denied the resources one might need for transitioning.

puppy is about the frustration of having to negotiate your existence through the terms of other people's sense of normalcy. you have to be a puppy to be accepted; you have to stay between the bars and service the people who almost mockingly and most definitely cruelly get to decide whereas your existence is ok or not.

the killer functions as a counterpart to puppy, where the killer is specifically about what happens when you don't comply by the rules of normalcy, and are treated like an animal to be hunted. so in a way it's specifically about the idea of how society operates on this fucked up notion of policing as a necessary corrective element within it.

the CIA then is about the way us trans people have to deal with our intimacy and privacy is seen as non-existent for the sake of someone's "innocent" curiosity and desire to objectify an entire person.

200 follows the CIA but on a positive note. it's about finding comfort and privacy through someone else, be it a specific individual or through community. 'autocannibal' i think might be a reference to conflicted feelings regarding finding a venue for sexuality that involves self-acceptance of one's body or somesuch? like it reminds me when i was really early on in my own journey as a trans person i was afraid of finding other people with my kind of body attractive and of being a chaser as a trans person.

commatose is what made me realize about this whole key of understanding the album. commatose is a play on comatose and comma as a feeling of lethargy and separation, but i think specifically the sense of separation is something deeply desired. the perspective the song has is specifically about feeling lethargic and needing something new: desiring a plastic death. plastic death is underlined as being specifically about plasticity, the ability for something to change and adapt, and death. which to me says that this album was about one thing: death as a means to change. the caterpillar dies, the butterfly lives.

abyss angel is about coming out. it's about being treated with supposed sympathy and empathy by someone who also makes no effort to actually understand you. it's also about understanding how it might be strange to see someone change so radically, and knowing that it doesn't excuse being mistreated because of it. it's also about finding repose in the abyss, being ok with changing, being something different from what you were before.

ok that was much longer than i expected. i hope it's not too weird seeing this huge ask in your inbox! i'm just sort of sending this as a kind of message in a bottle to show you my interpretation of your text. regardless of whether it's correct or not (i don't think such a thing exists in art) i hope you get something about reading this, whatever it is. thank you for making this album!

wow this is a really cool interpretation! i agree there is not a “correct” one and it’s been very interesting to see what others gather from it. i actually used to love to try to create narratives out of albums - i have a theory now that many well sequenced albums unintentionally recreate the monomyth & ours is intentionally the monomyth… this is what james joyce does to the brain… i think that this sort of idea of a journey into the unknown (in this case, an internal rather than external unknown) followed the reconciliation of two worlds does speak to a kind of transgender experience. “abyss angel” is this reconciliation of two contradictory realities, an expression of love & hate at once “i want to hurt you so bad” - i think that that does speak to the feeling of coming out. at least in my experience. i love what you’ve found in the music here and while it does speak much to what we had intended i love how the narrative being conveyed can vary to much person to person but everybody seems to get the emotional story the same. thank you for letting me be weird and pretentious about this.

#asks

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murkypondsystem · 2 months

Text

hii i remade this blog after another alter deleted our previous system blog of the same name. so reintroduction time! we are kind of professionally diagnosed (been told that we have a dissociative disorder by a psychiatrist and it’s DID)

please reblog and follow IF:

- you’re preferably 17 or older (we are bodily 19)

- you don’t participate in syscourse (we will only be following people who don’t do this - idc who you reblog from just don’t bring it into our blog! we have a private stance on it but we are traumagenic)

- and you are a system :)

system intro beneath the cut ⬇️

the gooseberry six

bambi 🦢- 15. cis. she/they/it/fae. holds the melancholy feeling we get throughout the day and expresses it late at night, sometimes triggering oxen to come out. sadness holder. likes coquette fashion and lolita fashion. likes swans and deer. holds our ocd.

kwazii 🐈 - 17-18 maybe, ageless maybe, transmasc, he/it/they (maybe not he?). gay. is incredibly anxious and holds our anxiety. loves the water and all cute animals within it, hates spiders. and looks up to it's source, kwazii cat from the octonauts.

oxen 🐂 - 19, doesn't know how to fucking read /ref, trans man, he/him, gay. is the one that gets drunk and parties to cope with the shit he faces, and got labelled with bpd for his efforts. is majorly paranoid and also got us kicked out of college but that's a story for another time!

pippa 🌸- unsure of age, cis, she/her, fem presenting, straight leaning, caregiver of sorts. dresses rather modestly and cares about the future. a perfectionist to a fault. wants to please our parents.

rafi 🦒- 19, transmasc, he/him (maybe it/its? unsure) lesbian. is very tired all the time, and is the responsible one. cares about the system's future but is rather depressed.

segi 🪱 - 5, transmasc (in the way that kids are different genders from their agab), he/thorn. holds the feeling of helplessness from being intimidated and deals with it by throwing tantrums later. anger holder. likes worms and bugs and nature.

the lemur side system/layer

hornet 🐝 - ageless (?), agender, no pronouns, acearo. is a gatekeeper who is hostile towards the gooseberry six. feels like they're clique-y. likes the side system that hornet is a part of, the lemur side sys, and especially likes candy. is in a qpr with candy.

candy 🪿 - 19, bigender, she/he, lesbian. is a love/affection holder and fragment. feels neutrally on the gooseberry six, and wants to make the lemur side system more visible. his birthday is valentine's day and he is the concept of valentine's incarnate. hates discourse.

bream 🎣 - 19, cisgender male, he/it, gay. in a polyam relationship with danio and saithe. is a caregiver for danio, and feels happy emotions. is a fragment. feels ok with both of the systems.

danio 🐠 - 18, agender, he/they(?)/it, gay. in a polyam relationship with bream and saithe. holds feelings related to illness and depression. is a fragment. feels neutrally on both of the systems.

saithe 🐟 - 20, achillean, it/its, gay. in a polyam relationship with bream and danio. holds feelings related to anger and disappointment. is a fragment. doesn't think about being a system do not bring it up with them.

#traumagenic system #system stuff #osdd system #dissociative system #system things #did system #did osdd #osdd 1b #actually osdd #osdd community #🦢#🦒#🪱#🐈#🐂#🌸#🐝#🪿#🎣🐠🐟

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public-trans-it · 1 month

Note

If you are trans, how do you have an alter that isn't? (I'm asking out of ignorance and genuine curiosity, not malice. I know you haven't had the best anons lately)

Thank you for the parenthetical on that one. I didn't read it that way at all, but I appreciate someone going out of their way to specify that it's just curiosity and not someone sealioning. I also just love parentheticals in general. Feel free to ask more, or DM me! I'm happy to go into more depth.

The answer is quite simple: I'm just gonna force femme him, duh. (Okay, no, not really)

A warning upfront: This post is likely going to be written by multiple alters. Expect sudden shifts in tone, as well as shifts between first - and third-person perspectives. It's also gonna be a lot of rambling. I'm going to fucking hate it tbh. But I'm also more than happy to elaborate on specifics. The joys of having conflicting opinions on a single topic.

For context, this ask is in reply to this previous post I made about DID, how I feel names relate to it, and how i feel my experience differs from other peoples. In it, I mention that not all of my alters are trans.

It just feels... cringe. Like, I know that is probably certainly internalized ablism. But any time I discuss my own internal thought processes and the fact that there are just straight up other versions of me in there, I can't help but think I feel like one of those really awkwardly written teenagers in media who like... pretend to be possessed by demons and stuff. Part of it is also a little bit of fear.

That was... a bit of an oversimplification. It is rather difficult to go into detail, especially when the alter in question is the one who least likes talking about the experience of being plural.

While I don't talk about it with others, and will absolutely interrupt any attempts to map it out, I AM at least somewhat aware of how my system is shaped and who is in it. And that not everyone who used to be in it is still in there. There are versions of myself that are just... gone. And I know one of the things that results in that is too much internal reflection. So I just... don't.

Am I trans? I mean, Ceetee is, and I'm Ceetee, so probably. But I'm also the one who doesn't have that luxury. I'm the one who has to go to work. I'm the one who has to go by He/Him pronouns. I'm the one who answers when someone calls our deadname. And that is too important a part to risk losing to introspection, and the effect that has on us.

We are on HRT, the body we are in is going to change. We are looking forward to potentially going under the knife in the future. Lipofilly, vaginoplasty, etc. That's going to complicated things. I genuinely don't even know if I will still exist after that. I have plans on how to handle our social transition, that might make it smoother, but... again, I don't have the privilege of thinking on it too much.

Its... really difficult to write this out honestly. All of our discussion happens internally, thanks to us losing our amnesiac barrier a few years ago (thank God for that. Huge increase to our quality of life.) We would probably benefit from just making a discord server for just us, and using pluralkit or the like to talk with each other. But the idea of differentiating each other externally is HORRIFYING.

So instead, I'm the one handling our HRT. I have to, because he isn't willing to for the reasons mentioned above. And I can't even really discuss it well because he gets in the way a lot. Which I don't fault him for, it's his job, it's literally why he exists, and the several years I went with him not being involved socially were... extremely rough. I genuinely feel privileged to have him taking the brunt of all that for me. The nice thing about DID is it's actually a GREAT way to delegate tasks. If he represents the parts of us that don't have the privilege of changing, I can represent the parts of us that can.

But the truth is, all of us in here are undergoing an HRT we don't actually WANT. It gets us closer to a more comfortable body to live in, but it will never be possible to achieve a body ALL of us are happy with. We all have different gender goals, and as long as we are all stuck in the same body, there is no such thing as 'Gender affirmation'. That's why I use the label Aegogender. Looking it up, there is... not a lot of description of it. But for me, it has a very clear interaction with dissociative disorders.

I'm not genderless. Every single one of us in here has a gender. And they are not all the same. Which means our system cannot have a single gender. ANY transition will, by definition, go against the goals of others in the system. There is no way for all of us to be happy in this body, as long as we all have to share a single body. My "true" ideal body, would be an incorporeal hivemind piloting 3 or 4 bodies. Leaving us all connected to each other, but with our own individuality.

This is, obviously, NOT POSSIBLE. So HRT is the compromise.

Every single one of us is trans, even the one still going by He/Him and using our deadname. And so, just becoming something DIFFERENT is good enough for now. No solution has to be perfect forever. If we need to do something different in the future, we can just do something different in the future! We don't NEED to figure all of this out now.

I mentioned in the tags of my detransition post that I have a lot more complicated feelings about detransition. This is why. I fundamentally identify more with the concept of being a creature capable of change, than I do with any single gender.

Which means... once I transition, I'll almost certainly end up transitioning again. From what to what? I have NO IDEA. Will I end up detransitioning? Maybe. Will I end up pursuing some completely different presentation? Maybe. I dont know. I'm not that person yet.

I'm just gonna have to wait and see who manages to last that long, and what is best for all of us.

#this got EXTREMELY personal and intimate #which isnt to say dont read it #im happy to be an open book #this shit is COMPLICATED and even a single person seeing themselves in this and feeling seen makes it worth the effort to write #so... thank you for the chance to talk about this anon #i kinda thought i would keep it bottled up for a lot longer #and tbh i am still keeping some of the detrans gender feels bottled #but... ah well. what can ya do?#text essay #gender #plurality #detransition

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euniexenoblade · 2 months

Text

Favorite music of 2023 :)

I've found myself dealing with a wave of writer's block, and in my desire to get past it I've decided to write whatever I can. Some people said they'd be interested in me talking about my favorite albums of 2023, so here's a short write up about albums I really liked and I hope everyone will give a try.

I found 2023 to be a pretty spectacular year for weird and interesting music. With artists like Lil Yachty doing a neo-psychedelia album (fantastic, give it a listen) and Avenged Sevenfold doing some progressive avant garde adjacent metal album (I think people are wrongly hating on it, it's spectacular), it shouldn't be too surprising to imagine that the bands the mainstream hasn't really heard of are making wild soundscapes unlike anything you've ever heard.

Kicking this off with one of my favorite Korean bands, Parannoul released two albums this year and they were spectacular - both in my top 10 of the year. Parannoul are a wonderful shoegaze band that create these songs that almost feel hypnotic, they create this dream like state for their songs in ways no other band seems to be able to. After the Magic, their third album, is no different in this, but brings a new warmth, brighter instrumentation, and just in general doesn't feel as self loathing and depressed as previous works. The other release, After the Night, is a live recording, which shows that the band can produce the same dreamlike style on a stage, but do it even better. My second favorite album of the year, this live album is so incredible, zoning out to the 46 minute "Into the Endless Night" while high was probably one of my favorite experiences of the year in and of itself. (Also, if you do chose to check them out, please listen to To See the Next Part of the Dream, it's one of my favorite albums ever made.)

Using Parannoul as a sorta link between things, I also found that they worked on a song on the new Turquoisedeath album, Se bueno. I won't claim to be an expert on drum and bass, but I had a killer time listening to Se bueno. When I discovered Se bueno, I also discovered a few other, more abrasive, albums that I kind of group together in my head. Namely Chaser by femtanyl (digital hardcore) and Sisterhood by lostrushi ("digicore" feels like a frantic version of trap). If you like this kind of music, give them a try, all three are on my list.

Everyone's top albums of the years seem to have their one and two spots stolen away by Javelin and Scaring the Hoes. Starting with the latter, Scaring the Hoes by JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown is cool as hell. Beats unlike anything I've heard in hip hop before, and the flows of both men really bring it all together. It's a great album (it's my third favorite of the year), but I also think some focus on some other hip hop titles might be cool. Integrated Tech Solutions by Aesop Rock is just as impressive and interesting and deserves your attention. Alongside that Michael by Killer Mike is a fantastic listen, though it doesn't compare to the previously mentioned two, it's still a great album that deserves your time - he won those awards for a reason. The man got arrested at an award show, the least you can do is stream his album once.

Now, as for Javelin by Sufjan Stevens, it's a great album, but it's also such a sad album. His pain is horrible, and he does a great job at making you feel it. However, the music never really hit me like other albums of the year had. The lyrics murder your heart, but I'm a tad past gay pains and want gay joys. Which is why I want you all to listen to Ultra Paradise by Angel Electronics. Half Ada Rook of Black Dresses, half Ash Nerve (I doubt you know him) this is a trans and gay power pop album that's just beautiful and fun. Songs like Return to the Sky and One Thousand and One Nights are fun ear worms, and the rest of the album just has a level of repeatability and a level of joy and fun that most other albums this year didn't have. Is it as technically impressive as Javelin? No. But, shit, it's nice to be happy for once.

Continuing off of this idea, in 2023 we saw transphobia become horrifically rampant, the right wing are really intent to get rid of us. You can't avoid how much this world hates us now and it makes you want to just scream. It creates this feeling of anger, a desire for violence, like we're past being sad and nice and understanding. In 2023 the Hirs Collective put out an album on par with that emotion. We're Still Here is an aggressive grindcore album put together by trans, gay, queer people in general. My favorite release from the band to date, it's fantastic to see Hirs screaming "We're still here!" as the world tries to erase us. This is my favorite album of 2023, please listen to it, please give Hirs your money, they deserve it and you deserve their music.

A few more albums I wanna recommend that I can't really think of anything in depth to say: God Cum Poltergeist by Crisis Sigil (Ada Rook) is a fantastic grindcore album, Goodnight, God Bless, I Love U, Delete by Crosses is a fantastic synthpop adjacent album and I got to see it performed live and it's amazing music, Reborn Superstar! by Hanabie. is a great Japanese metalcore album, and go listen to Kikuo Miku 7 for some rad Hatsune Miku bullshit.

My top 50 music releases of 2023:

We're Still Here by Hirs

After the Night by Parannoul

Scaring the Hoes by JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown

Dogsbody by Model/Actriz

Desire, I Want to Turn Into You by Caroline Polachek

After the Magic by Parannoul

Goodnight, God Bless, I Love U, Delete. by Crosses

God Cum Poltergeist by Crisis Sigil

uma by betcover!!

Ultra Paradise by Angel Electronics

Reborn Superstar! by Hanabie.

No Joy by Spanish Love Songs

Saved by Reverend Kristin Michael Hayter

Live in Japan by Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

93696 by Liturgy

Resistance and the Blessing by World's End Girlfriend

Kikuo Miku 7 by Kikuo

Javelin by Sufjan Stevens

Integrated Tech Solutions by Aesop Rock

Poil Ueda by Poil & Junko Ueda

Enola Gay by Asia Menor

Upal by Kostnateni

The Loveliest Time by Carly Rae Jepsen

Michael by Killer Mike

Exul by Ne Obliviscaris

Hellmode by Jeff Rosenstock

Hometown to Come by Minhwi Lee

Life is but a Dream... by Avenged Sevenfold

Chaser by Femtanyl

Sadness / Abriction by Sadness / Abriction

O Monolith by Squid

But Here We Are by Foo Fighters

Stone by Baroness

History Books by The Gaslight Anthem

Why Does the Earth Give Us People to Love? by Kara Jackson

Rookie's Bustle by Ada Rook

Futility by Yakui The Maid

Let's Start Here. by Lil Yachty

The Age of Pleasure by Janelle Monae

Bee and the Whales by Galileo Galilei

Zach Bryan self titled

Everything is Alive by Slowdive

Let's Hope Heteros Fail, Learn, and Retire by Alice Longyu Gao

Se bueno by TURQUOISEDEATH

Yoshitsune by Poil & Junko Ueda

Perfect Picture by Hannah Diamond

January Never Dies by Balming Tiger

Jenny From Thebes by The Mountain Goats

Never Falter Hero Girl by Katie Dey

Sisterhood by lostrushi

#music posting #2023

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leavesandbounds · 2 months

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As a trans Hermitcraft/Life Series fan, I have some complicated feelings about a lot of the creators' love of/references to Harry Potter.

I've been sort of absently thinking about this since there was that funny post going around about how when people like Martyn or Grian or whatever will reference Harry Potter, we shake our heads irl to express our disapproval in some way.

But part of me really really wishes I could properly express to some of these creators-- who I genuinely believe mean no harm of their own!-- the harm that JK Rowling has caused and is continuing to cause. In part due to the money she makes from all that Harry Potter stuff.

I don't want to come at anyone calling them problematic or evil, I do know that some of this can be really internet insular and a good chunk of these creators aren't scrolling through Tumblr or even Twitter these days. But then Grian goes on about the Chamber of Secrets inspiration for his build (along with other previous builds), or I go to watch Martyn's POV of 3rd Life for the first time and realize just how involved the Harry Potter aspects of Dogwarts are beyond just the name.

And I get uncomfortable? I guess? I know it's not their job to make me comfortable, but to be reminded again and again that for every creator who loves HP there's at least a hundred non-creators that feel the same way.

I was a big Harry Potter fan growing up. (I was really annoying about it actually). But obviously after learning about JK Rowling's beliefs and intentions it was pretty easy to distance myself, even if not entirely emotionally at first. But I stopped talking about it, I stopped buying any merch. I stopped engaging.

This is sort of rambly and nonsensical, I guess all this is just to say that I wish I had a way to let these creators know that their words-- especially because of their large audiences-- have power. But I have no way to meaningfully contact them, and also they're grown adults and it's not really my business.

I just feel sort of sick when I get reminded of an incredibly rich woman who wants people like me and people I love to suffer and uses her money from these books to make that happen.

#shay says #hermitcraft #life series #but also #transphobia #TO BE CLEAR #in terms of mentioning Rowling #not the creators #i've just been thinking about this lately because i tend to block people on here who still post about HP #and doesn't that make it sort of hypocritical and go against my own beliefs if i keep watching these people?#i dunno #complicated feelings

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noodleshark · 6 months

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HCs for my found family au

under cut because this is LONG

Six is aroace and genderqueer, mono is aspec and trans, RK's pan and nonbinary, Pretty is Bi and cis, and Raine is a trans lesbian

RK, Mono, Six and Raine all have cptsd, Pretty has pstd and also npd

Six and Rk are autistic and Mono and Raine have adhd

okay now some more specific stuff

Six's special interest is music

it keeps a record player, records and a new music box in its room

Mono has amazing puppy dog eyes

Whenever he asks Prett for something, she stares at the wall because of the previous one

Pretty is awful at cooking, she can burn water dont let her in the kitchen

She's an extrovert actually

When she meets someone new she's either mean or very awkward

She does like the others(Six is excluded until they're like 11), she just refuses to admit it

She and Raine were mean to each other when they first met

"Wait, why did you name me "pretty"?" "uh, because thats the opposite of what you are!"

"Pretender" isn't actually Pretty's birth name, but the others don't know that

Her love langue is gift giving and acts of service

Mono's is physical affection and acts of service, RK's is words of affirmation and acts of service, Six's is physical affection, Raine's is quality time and physical affection

Six loves plushies

she also would love weighted blankets

Despite liking physical affection, she's more adverse to it than she used to be

Six is nonverbal, she can hum or scream if she's REALLY scared but she cannot talk

They like to draw

Some of her scars hurt A LOT occasionally, on those days she just stays in bed

The big one on its face will hurt a lot if someone touches it

This isn't THIS au specific but her meltdown in the tower was an autistic one

they'd cut their hair to their chin and keep it that way because they think having long hair makes her look to much like hinata(the lady)

They'd like sharks and dinosaurs

Them, RK and Raine are the trio of bottling everything up

RK is really impatient

He bursts with any emotion he's feeling at random

They can be snarky

He likes hugs but other than that he isnt as physically affectionate as the other protags

Understands the nomes

After like a year of only really being able to eat fish and bread at the maw he likes seafood

Is very petty about being shorter than 2 people who are 2 years younger than him

He likes bugs

Mono would love sanrio if it existed in the nowhere

Mono bites affectionately

He's also not human! He was made by the tower

Unlike Six and RK, he hates bugs

He teases Pretty and Six a lot

Whenever he holds hands with someone, he does that 3 squeeze"i love you" thing

Has dissociation issues

He has a speech inpediment because of the burn scar on his face pulls on his skin too much

When like Raine and Pretty are like 18, they move into like a house boat or something because they can't find any more food around where they use to live

they get a cat when like six and mono are 16

they have a lot of inside jokes

There's more but this is already long as hell so I will come back with more later

#found family au #little nightmares

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lesboygamzee · 1 year

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i have refined a transfem tavros essay thingy i wrote recently because it was initially something i quickly wanted to write out for a friend because someone was being a cunt about her getting into the transfem swag bracket but i wanted to extend it and tidy it up a bit because i was RIGHT im so smart . under the cut because it is like comically long . did you guys know i love her

tavros' journey as a page of breath on it's own reads to me as a journey a closeted queer person would go through, of course on a larger scale. being a hero of breath means having strong ties to freedom, confidence, fluidity, and change, among other things. of these, tavros has the strongest ties to freedom and confidence, but she of course she embodies most to all themes surrounding breath. as a page, the structure of her journey involves her initally lacking her aspect (so in tavros' case, she begins with little freedom, as well as self-esteem issues), and overtime growing to embody her aspect. while this obviously manifests in more obvious ways, i think it's important for a trans reading of her to take into account how this would also show through her being allowed to express herself in the ways she wants to.

tying into the previous point; tavros is a character repeatedly forced into a masculine role by other characters (whether it be actively trying to get her to play the part of a masculine figure, or is simply the result of how other characters expect her story to play out). due to it taking away her freedom on the matter, it ends up fitting (unsurprisingly) awkwardly, and when this happens she is mocked for not being able to play the part. when she is actually allowed to choose her role, she fits it far better. she is meant to be given freedom as a breath player, and this involves not only not sticking to a confined role (e.g. she assembles the ghost army on her own only to pass on the leadership to meenah, giving up her position to essentially play support instead) but to take on each on her own terms rather than just going with what's expected of her. (of course, this isn't a situation specific to transfeminine people. anyone in some way viewed as a man is going to be assigned certain standards by others and mocked for being unable to conform to said standards, as happens to anyone viewed as a woman with female standards, but i do find this type of situation to be something that can deepen a reading of a character as trans when paired with everything else.)

outside of the breath aspect, tavros shares common themes with aradia and vriska. they're all fairy-themed characters; aradia is described as a red pixie, and vriska is frequently compared to a fairy (& her ancestor is the inspiration for blue fairies on alternia, as well as being a joke on 'exposition fairy' pre-scratch). of the three, tavros' fairy themes are the most prevalent from the beginning. one of her main interests is in blue fairies, her lusus is a fairy bull she named 'tinkerbull', and her ancestor had a mutation that caused the growth of fairy wings. notably, of the three, tavros is the only one to not god-tier in the alpha timeline, making her the only fairy without wings. the only fairy that isn't immediately recognisable as one, the only fairy who doesn't 'pass'. self explanatory.

if you also read vriska as transfeminine, there's something to be said about one of the reasons why she resents tavros. specifically, tavros not suffering in the same way vriska does. i feel it's self explanatory as to why i can read a potential part of this dynamic as vriska being a trans woman who experiences very strong dysphoria, and getting jealous that tavros doesn't seem to be showing signs of it, but still wanting to present as a girl. what i'm saying is vriska is truscum i can't be overly verbose here she's such a fucking failgirl good lord.

other things of note:

•tavros specifically names her fairy bull lusus 'tinkerbull', after a female fictional character. all lusii share a gender with their ward, making tinkerbull male, but tavros still chooses to address him with a name that could give the impression that he's female. •in the dream bubbles, a ghost of tavros is shown wearing a fairy dress with fake wings. i feel like this ties into my earlier point of her being a fairy that doesn't pass.

conclusion: transfem swag

#homestuck #tavros nitram #headcanons #let the bard speak

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sunnibearr · 2 years

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SKZ reaction when you come out as LGBTQ+.

warnings: swearing, mentions of anxiety and anxiety attacks, use of "honey"

note: if anybody tells me that these are false or tries to be homophobic i will CRY LET ME BELIEVE TT PLS.

PS. yes i made all of their responses positive and accepting fight me L

main skz masterlist

CHAN ( 방찬 )

he starts crying.

"I'm bisexual-" you immediately broke the eye contact that you'd been trying so hard to keep, tears prickling the edge of your waterlines as you focused on how your hands fiddled in your lap, "It's fine if you don't, you know," you added on, your unstable voice accompanied by a quivering lip. You'd been through this before, telling people that you're bi, but you hoped that Chris' response would be different. What you weren't expecting however was the sniffles that filled the previously quiet space, tan arms pulling you into his chest as he mumbled into your hair. "Thank you for trusting me and sharing this with me, I love you."

would ask you lots of questions about your previous experiences if you're willing to talk about them.

buys you cute bi themed stuff, like a bear thats the colours of the flag because it reminded him of you.

keeps it a secret and lets you come out to the boys in your own time, if you even want to. he doesn't want to pressure you.

he has a little 'my girlfriend is bi' badge omfg i love him.

calls himself "the luckiest man" because you could've literally gone for anyone but still chose him.

omfg YOU are the luckiest person ever i want a chris pls TT

LEE KNOW ( 리노 )

listens to you.

"Minho, I'm," you start as you swallow the lump that's been building up in your throat. There's nothing to be worried about, you know Minho, you know that it'll be alright, so you persevere. "I'm asexual." You pause after the confession, staring at the man's face for any signs of discomfort -or anything really- but all you're met with is a small nod. "Cool." He doesn't make a big deal out of it, squeezing your hand in a quiet show of support. "How'd you find out?"

literally will listen to your whole life story and nod to show that he's invested.

sometimes will chip in with comments when you mention people being mean to you because of it. "what an asshole" "what the fuck"

is more than happy to go to prides with you to support you.

usually supports you from the sidelines but if anybody makes any nasty comments about you and your sexuality he will be in their face like "the fuck you say? say it again, i fucking dare you."

orders a custom made top for Leebit (minho's skzoo) with the asexual flag on it for your (or his) Leebit.

CHANGBIN ( 창빈 )

he makes a joke.

"Hey y/n? What's up, why'd you call me over?" He'd question you as soon as he saw you, all serious expression and anxiety radiating off of you. "Is everything alright?" He'd continue as he sat down next to you, his hand finding it's way to your leg in an attempt to make you more comfortable. "I'm trans." You blurt out, the sudden spill of tears onto your cheeks taking him by surprise as he takes some time to process your words. He moves his hand away from you -your chest feeling heavier with the negative implication of the action- before he places it softly on your cheek, thumbing away at the tears. "You know, a gender reveal party would've been so much more fun," he said, his face scrunching in a genuine smile.

goes clothes shopping with you and offers to buy you some stuff.

takes you out for a celebratory meal and dessert.

you have to explain preferred adjectives because his little himbo brain forgets that society has (unfortunately) gendered words like pretty.

he is trying his best at using your preferred name, he's even given you some cute new nicknames.

helps you throw a gender reveal party (per his request) when you decide to come out to the others.

will scream at transphobes when they use your deadname and/or wrong pronouns. is not afraid to intimidate them with his buffness.

seo changbin takes nobody's shit.

HYUNJIN ( 현진 )

makes you do it again.

"Jinnie, you know how i always say you're like a protector of lesbians?" You warily say, hoping that the joking tone somewhat covers the worry in your voice. "Yeah?" He answers from his spot on your bed, only half interested at your comment as he's in the middle of a round in a mobile game. "Well, uh, I'm a lesbian." You breathe out, teeth finding your bottom lip as he drops his phone into his lap. "Wait wait wait, the mood wasn't right," he whines, game forgotten as he turns on his 'dramatic bitch' playlist. "Okay go again, I'm ready." You can't help but laugh at his antics, playing along with his dramatized reaction. "I thought I was gonna be your Prince Charming," he wails, lips curling into a big smile.

buys you a huge ass custom made lesbian flag with his face on it. he calls it "the cockblocker".

"it's to protect you from homophobes....and men" he is dead serious, he hangs it above your bed.

needs you to explain to him the difference between the lipstick and the sunset lesbian flag, like three different times.

becomes a whole matchmaker - introducing you to people left and right. "omg don't you think she's cute? talk to her." "s'cuse me, my friend here thinks you're really cute!"

goes to pride with you and has so. much. fun.

will literally snatch you away from nasty people saying, "don't waste your energy on them queen."

HAN ( 한 )

nearly has an anxiety attack.

"Jisung." You never use his proper name. His eyes widen significantly as he stands infront of you, his breathing quickening as he eyes your expression. "Yeah?" He basically whimpers, he could feel his chest tightening at the sound of you taking in a sharp breath. "I'm pansexual." His breath hitched, your own anxiety rising significantly at his reaction before he breathes out a relieved sigh. "Oh my fucking god, Y/n, don't do that to me I nearly had a panic attack, oh my god my heart," he rambles on. You're left in a confused state, wondering how to take his response. "Anyways, what's that? Isn't it kind of like bi?" There it is, now you have to spend ten minutes explaining to Jisung why you use the label "pan" and not "bi".

he likes making good-natured pan jokes, he thinks its kind of funny.

will absolutely flip if anybody else makes frying pan jokes towards you - especially in a malicious way.

started getting you rapunzel related things as a joke.

got you the pan flag printed onto the sun(?) flag from Tangled.

calls himself your Flynn Ryder and gets pouty when you call him Eugene instead because "Flynn Rider sounds cooler".

begs you to take him to pride because he thinks it looks really fun but you know he's going to be a handful.

TANGLED is a disney movie. The main character uses a pan as a weapon to hit Flynn. His real name is Eugene.

FELIX ( 피렉스 )

he starts apologizing.

"Honey, Felix," You hope that the sweet petname will help soften his reactions a little bit. "Yes?" His bright aura beemed at you, white teeth on display as you took a deep breath. "I don't know if you know what it is but i'm genderfluid and i hope this doesn't change anything between us because you mean so much to me." It all comes out in one breath - quick and over with. However, you don't get a direct reply. Instead you get bombarded with apologies, hands holding onto yours as he looks at you with something akin to realization. "Oh my god I am so sorry Y/n. I should have known. I'm so sorry have I been using the wrong pronouns? and oh my god what about your name? am i calling you the wrong name too?" The genuine worry that he had caused you any kind of discomfort made you feel better, lips curling into a smile as you reassured him that he couldn't have known.

asks "what are you feeling like today" whenever he sees you first each day.

gets you guys some kind of code way for you to share your pronouns at any moment.

is a bit confused about how often your pronouns change sometimes but he really tries to get them right.

says that you stole all of the gender as a joke. "you're like a gender bank."

he has the spirit, you just need to keep reminding him sometimes. he'll learn soon enough!

SEUNGMIN ( 승민 )

he does so much research.

"Hey Y/n?" Seungmin spoke out into the silence, the quiet voices from your phone stopping at the sound of his voice. You hummed in a question, your eyebrows quirking up into a curious arch. "How come you've only ever dated, like, one person?" He asked cautiously quickly adding on, "I just- you always point out people who you think are attractive but you only ever go on one date with them or not at all. Why?" You smiled up at him, you never thought about the fact that you'd never came out to him before, so you decided that now is probably the best time to do so. "I'm demiromantic, not many people catch my attention- emotion wise I mean." Now it's his turn to arch a confused an eyebrow at your words.

does so much research about it because he's never heard of it before and wants to learn more.

"doesn't everybody feel like that though?" he's trying to understand, you just have to explain it to him.

"so you've never had a 'strong emotional connection' before?" "well, not really, no." "damn."

asks you what it felt like growing up surrounded by an alloromantic society.

he comes and tells you the stories he's read posted by other demiromantics.

buys you a subtle demiromantic flag pen.

that's about it, he's just a curious lad.

alloromantic: people who can/do experience romantic attraction, usually on a regular basis.

I.N ( 아이엔 )

has no clue what you're on about.

You've never talked about your sexuality -or gender identity- with anyone face to face before, so when Jeongin started up a conversation about the LGBTQ+ people he knows you took it as a sign. "You know, I've been questioning recently." You say with what you hope sounds like a nonchalant tone. "Questioning what?" He says, (my dumb little meathead <3) brain already focused on something else. "My sexuality and gender, you know." Your voice is a bit more stable now, knowing that his mind wasn't caught up on the topic. "Oh that's cool, what've you figured out so far?" You shrug, glad that his interest sounds genuine and not malicious. "Not much yet but I'll keep you updated," you wink jokingly, laughing at your own silly response.

will try his best to help you figure yourself out.

in the meantime, wont use any labels because "you don't need to fit into a box" and he's 100% right.

sends you daily affirmation voice notes / messages like "you have all the time in the world" "it's okay even if you don't know right now" "you're my favourite question mark".

will google stuff and take 'what sexuality am i' quizzes with you because they're stupid.

your official theme song (according to him) is the pokémon "gotta catch 'em all" song because "you're catching all of the sexualities/genders."

taglist! send ask to be added.

they're just a bit late :)

#stray kids #skz fic #stray kids fic #🌞 sunni #skz reactions #stray kids reactions #skz #changbin reaction #bang chan reaction #chan reaction #minho reaction #lee know reaction #hyunjin reaction #felix reaction #jisung reaction #han reaction #jeongin reaction #i.n reaction #seungmin reaction

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ali-dot-txt · 7 months

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yo i played persona 5 for the first time (III)

Alright, so this post (previous one here and first post in the chain here) is going to be about my general final notes and about Hina as a character.

Despite all my gripes, I did end up enjoying the game. I wouldn't have poured 230 hours into it if I'd hated it.

But most of the enjoyment I wrung from it was a result of the mod and the personal headcanon I spent the whole game developing. I really don't think this game would've been for me without that, which is why I don't intend on playing Persona 4 (well, at least until that game's female protagonist mod gets off the ground). I might play Persona 3 Portable as that game's female protagonist after a little break, though.

The final tally of Hina's Confidants:

Sorry to all the Yusuke fans.

Everyone's final stats:

In 2017, this would be about 88,000 dollars? Which is an absurd amount of money for her to just have on hand.

Favorite characters? I guess I'll list the characters:

Hina (cop-out, i know, but I like her a lot)

Futaba

Haru

Lavenza/the twins

Sojiro

Sumire

Ann

Ryuji

Akechi (he really jumped up in the last arc)

Hifumi

Sae

Morgana (he really jumped very late in the game as well)

Yusuke (sorry, Yusuke fans)

Iwai (I feel like I'd like him more if I'd got further in his Confidant)

Chihaya (same as Iwai)

Makoto (a sudden and incredible fall)

Maruki (he's the worst therapist ever, but he's pretty interesting when he's not talking way too much and his final scenes are really good)

Skilled Gamer (gonna be real, I don't remember his name)

Ohya

Takemi

Mishima (would have preferred if he was removed entirely)

Hina never met Kawakami outside of class and never spoke to that politician.

Anyway, as for Hina...

She's maybe my favorite player character in any video game ever. The slight jankiness of her implementation lent her so much charm, and characterizing her was a ton of fun, especially with how close my trans headcanon seemed to the game's reality. Does that affection transfer to Akira/Ren, or other people's genderswapped Jokers? Well, no, not really. I can't say I'm an expert on the way people view Joker as a character, but from a cursory glance, I feel like Hina's distinct enough from the popular interpretation that she's basically an entirely different person slotted into the role of protagonist. Maybe that's conceited of me.

Hina has the most common family name in Japan, and I thought Hina was the most popular given name in Japan in 1999, the year she was probably born. Turns out that wasn't the case, Hina is actually much more popular recently. The actual most popular name for 1999? Miku. So if I'd had accurate data, she may well have been called Miku Satou. Probably not though.

Hina didn't have friends in her hometown, partially because she was really quiet as a kid and partially because everyone started avoiding her after she started coming to school in a girls' uniform.

Hina's parents have been supportive from the beginning. In fact, her name is from them (she requested it). Also, they sent her to Tokyo with a maid outfit in her box of stuff, which is extremely funny. She calls them once a week, early on Sundays. She doesn't tell them about her phantom thief activities.

Hina's legal name is changed, but not her legal gender (people only ever call her Hina, even in situations where they'd have only read her name off legal forms, so her name must legally be Hina).

Hina largely doesn't react when people misgender her because she's used to it.

When Maruki mentioned that Hina might make a good counselor herself someday, the headcanon wheels started turning in my head and I realized that that's really fucking good. Hina wants to go to university to become a youth counselor, because she saw what happens when someone has the worst counselor ever. Not to mention Hina wanting to help kids like her who might not react well to an authority figure telling them how to live is really sweet.

Hina's trying to create a real version of her Phantom Thief outfit she can wear casually. She has red gloves in her winter school outfit! Why else would she have those? She's going to get white glasses frames next.

Hina isn't good at talking to people, but she comes off as confident because she also has a hard time speaking in any particular tone, so she almost always seems to be talking without reservations.

Hina is an only child. (Fairly sure this is an element of most people's imagined Jokers. No way does this person have siblings.)

I don't think most of the harsh things I put in quotes to indicate that Hina said them are things she actually would say. I think she's probably thinking them.

Hina has a gaming PC in her hometown. Her buying that laptop was because she was going stir-crazy from not having access to a desktop computer.

Hina likes Morgana much more than I do. She doesn't think of him as a big brother (lmao), but she does love him like a brother.

In contrast, I think Hina has exactly as much disdain for Mishima as I have.

Hina isn't really invested in Akechi. She thinks he's a terrible weirdo who she wishes would stop talking to her. When she learns about his actual motivations, that switches to thinking of him as kind of pathetic. She wishes he would have talked to her about his issues at all, because she probably could have helped him deal with them like she helps literally everyone else, but she's not so broken up about him not being in her life anymore. (In contrast, I actually quite like Akechi now that I get what they were going for with him.)

Hina is good at schoolwork, but she's lacking in common sense.

Takemi actually never misgendered Hina, and Maruki only did so once. It's pretty funny how the medical professionals are consistently the least transphobic people in the game. I wonder why that is? 🤔

Hina got really good at making coffee and curry in the year she spent at Leblanc.

Hina being shorter than regular Joker is especially funny because her animation speed has to be adjusted, so she walks really fast in cutscenes where she moves places. She has to move that fast to keep up with people.

Hina's relationship with Haru is going to cause an absolutely awful scandal if it ever becomes public. I have no idea how they're going to deal with that, but hopefully they'll figure it out.

Hina doesn't really find any new friends when she moves back home, but she's alright with keeping to herself and focusing on her studies while having friends she can talk to online and a cat who can talk.

Hina might be rejected from a lot of universities for her criminal record or her transness. She might've had her record expunged, but she still spent time in juvie, not to mention the heavily political implications of her actions might risk scandal for any university that she enrolls in. She might end up having to apply to universities abroad, where the Phantom Thieves and the events surrounding them weren't so much in the public consciousness.

Anyway, that's Hina Satou. I might write fic for her someday? But she requires a lot of context to really understand her. I care about her a lot, and people understanding her is important to me for some reason.

And finally: some of my favorite screenshots of Hina.

#persona 5 #post series #p5r #persona 5 royal #p5r spoilers #persona 5 spoilers #joker persona 5 #trans joker persona 5 #hina satou #satou hina #modding #postmortem #trans headcanon #akira kurusu #ren amamiya #persona #rambly #very rambly #extremely rambly

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sol-draws-sometimes · 10 months

Text

Disc World bookclub thoughts- Monstrous Regiment

Pages 12-20

Okay @anna-neko … and all the other people that found me(tho I’ll be writing to Anna here)

Buckle up cause I actually read more, so there’s A LOT more text!

Before I start, I'm fully aware that the book's premise is that the whole regiment turns out to be women in disguised(except one being trans??? That happens at the end so I won't bring that up till I get there). But for ease of talking, I will he/him everyone until they've been she/her-ed. Plus, there are other characters, so I could accidentally she/her a man thinking they would be one of the undercover women. So yah, following the pronouns corresponding to where I am in the book.

I wrote everything on a notes app while listening/reading, and then organized it. So my "knowledge" will flip flop since different parts were written at different points of reading. Also I’m playing around with the best way to show quotes. Okay here are my thoughts loosely organized:

—Critiques—

Some critiques. I want to start of with them so that we can end on a high note. At first it was hard for me to get that there were scene changes happening. Most books usually leave large space b/w the paragraphs, but at least in this digital book, it just looks like a normal paragraph spacing. And the audio book doesn't indicate that there's a scene shift, so there were a couple of times that I got lost because I didn't realize there was a new scene. Though I think I finally got it down how he switches from scenes, so I should be fine.

Also while I do like that he just says stuff, for example, him introducing Polly’s guy name by writing, "At least, Polly climbed out of the window, but it was Oliver’s feet that landed lightly on the ground," instead of saying, "she decided to call herself Oliver Perks.” At times I do need a bit more guidance. I can pick up stuff with context, but, sometimes it threw me off. For example, with the igor, while I would've gotten it eventually, I just decided to google it, because I was too distracted being confused to actually pay attention to the dialogue if that makes sense???? So I mostly like how he seamlessly intergrates new info, but sometimes I do feel like I'm going in blind, or suffering for not knowing about the previous books. Tho I will say the vampire lore was intergrated well. It's nothing so bad that it ruins the book for me since it's mostly executed well.

Side tangent, but I actually started the book by listening to it, so I actually didn’t catch the Olly name until I got to this line, “…but Polly was known to all the ferrymen by sight and the guard would want to see her permit to travel, which Oliver Perks certainly didn’t have.” I like this line! I mostly like when he does it, but yah, I get confused sometimes.

Okay on to stuff my other thoughts!

Short quippy stuff

Hee hee foreshadowing!

There was no question of anyone getting undressed.

I love that her nickname is Ozzer

Don't cry challenge(impossible)

AAAAH SHE GOT CAUGHT.

Nothing quippy, just a funny line:

Ugh. I hate strappi I hate Strappi I hate Strappi. Me and the boys hate Strappi.

You said these books are very pop-cultury. I'll say these aged well because I don't think I've caught any pop culture reference(or maybe I have without realizing) and I still find the book funny and it makes sense to me. So uh yah, go Terry Pratchett I guess.

—Longer thoughts—

Am I viewing everything as an American, or is this a reference to don't ask, don't tell??? I don't think so cause nothing else about it is queer coded and also Terry Pratchett is British, so there would be no reason for him to talk about that. My brain just short-circuited because it's a military book and I'm American 🙃

Thoughts on Maladict—

Maladict carries around silver-gilt coffee engine (which icon behavior) so idk how allergic he is to silver. Is he lying about the silver allergy or does he just suck it up for some coffee (cause if he does, again King behavior). I think my fav soldier rn is Maladict (can you tell???). Polly think's she's cool, but he's the actually cool one. Love his whole "even though I'm sobre from humans, it doesn't mean I can't/won't seriously fuck you up." I love when writers explore ethical vampires/vampires blending in with humans (I really should read vampire books).

I think the whole black ribbon thing is cool! I think there's a book that follows a vampire??? If you're down(and it makes sense), I'd love to read one of the vampire books since I'm already so intrigued by vampire society! Obviously after I'm done with this book

Thoughts I wrote about Jackrum—

Damn Jackrum has to keep telling Strappi to ease on the racism.

I like how Sargent Jackrum asked Polly if she was fine with fighting Strappi. I knew that his whole "stop being racist" is more of a "WE NEED MEN" than him actually caring about fantasy racism™️, or that's how I saw it at first at least. But now, I think there's a genuine side of kindness to him. So I'm excited to see more of that (be it, seeing more of his softer side or being proven wrong).

ALSO WHILE WRITING IN POLLY’S SECTION, I REALIZED THAT JACKRUM PROBABLY KNOW SHE'S A WOMEN!!!! Oh shit, maybe corpol too???? Definitely Jackrum I think!

"What's that?" said the corporal. "My signature," said Polly… "You can read and write, too?" said the sergeant, glancing up at them and then back to her.

THEY GOT SURPRISED THAT SHE KNEW HOW TO READ AND WRITE (an abomination for women). Also... I might have gotten slightly spoiled trying to draw Jackrum. I didn't read anything but I saw girl fanart of him???? I mean, I guess he's also part of the troop, I thought it was just the soldiers. HE MIGHT BE MYSTERY PERSON!!!! Anyways, this is for future me to figure out… So that's probably why he's nice to her. NOW I'M EXCITED TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HIM. Before I got to the scene where Polly fights, I drew this cause I thought it was funny, while being slightly out of character. But now, I think this not that out of character (I'll have to see). Anyways have this shitty little doodle.

Thoughts on Polly—

I was very slow to realize that Polly's from Borogravia. As for why Polly joined, Polly definitely doesn't believe the propaganda, so my best guess is that she's going to try and find Paul. Reading about her missing Paul absolutely broke my heart. Though it's very interesting how also she was raised.

Also I got so scared when she got caught even tho I knew it would happen eventually, just didn't think it would happen THIS early in the book! I knew the moment mysterious person gave Polly the sock. I find it funny how Polly was like, “damn I thought I was cool mysterious kid". Her inner monologue is pretty funny.

I didn't ask you for one, Polly thought, quite annoyed at being taken for being a frightened young lad when she was sure she'd come over as quite a cool, non-ruffled young lad.

Also I'm pretty sure mystery person is a girl, cause I know the permis of the book so it makes this line funny

"Why, is this the escutcheon of Her Grace the Duchess I see in front of me?" said the whisperer. "Well, it won't be in front of me for long. Beat it ... boy."

Wrote this section on mystery person before the realization 🧍🧍🧍. Now I don't know. AAAAAAAAH.

Also, I'm glad that Polly gave Strappi a taste of his own medicine. Tho Private Parts is kinda funny 🏃🏃🏃. Insert: "that's a good joke, a great joke even, but I'm gonna have to ask you to stop,” audio. Seriously tho, it's pretty cool how Polly's experiences from her childhood with her dad and the other soldiers has helped her to blend in at this point. She was funny when she was like:

"I'll try not to hurt him either, Sarge," said Polly, and then cursed herself for the idiot bravado. It must have been the socks talking.

I read it twice and listened to it a 3rd time, since I had to write this and I laughed each time. I can't believe I find this dick joke so funny, I'm truly an immature child. Also fuck man. The way Polly saw people die, or just the discussions of how wars fucks people up. I have nothing insightful to say. Just, man, war's rough (<- biggest understatement of the century).

Other Book thoughts—

One thing I wasn't expecting, was for the crew to be made up of so many fantasy™️ creatures. But that one is fully on me since the book is called monstrous regiment. I guess I was so focused on what I've heard about the book, that I just completely glazed pass that. I see that there is some fantasy racism™️, so hopefully that's done well. I'm not saying it's always bad, but a lot of time people try to do metaphors, but it falls apart (ex: monster=racism allegory, when one of the characters is literally Mexican (and is brown). I'm not naming the name of the show on purpose). I do think it can be done well when you take the more, "prejudice is a thing, this is how it would play out with these creatures," and you don't make it a one-to-one with any particular minority. I feel like that's a more productive criticism of bigotry that can be applied to minority groups. I mean, I think there can be some one-to-one allegories that make sense, but it needs to be done carefully. I hope I'm making sense. But so far, I don’t see anything that bothers me. Just have my guard up a bit.

—✨Deeper✨ Thoughts on the book—

I kinda alluded to this in the previous review but yah, it's very interesting how Terry Prachet writes about war. I mean, I'm only 18, so I won't pretend to know much about the world, but I think this book has very strong themes about the dangers of nationalism and what not. And obviously he exaggerates it in the book, but it can be applied to a lot of modern situations. Side tangent, but I'm not really a patriotic person. I'm glad that my country has provided me better opportunities than my parent’s country, but I've always seen being so patriotic to a fault very weird. Also, this is clearly a criticism of the monarchy. "God save the duchess" like, come on. Down to this religious fervor they treat the duchess with, that they pray to it. I feel weird commenting too much, since I'm not as connected/involved/know too much about the politics of the monarchy (I mean technically the US is an ex-British colony, but rn relationship b/w the US and the UK is way better than other countries with the UK). All I'll say is that I don't care how nice she was, she was a colonizer and the monarchy has and continues to harm people to this day. Also back to nationalism, I've always hated the whole "people from this country suck". Like maybe the government sucks but you can never ascribe what the country does to the people of said place.

Honestly I feel weird commenting on this book in general, because I have barely any religious experience, haven't been too exposed to war, nor am I British (I mean this more in respect of the whole monarchy thing). Also, even though I'm a woman, I haven't felt much sexism. Like no cat-calling, most of the people respect me. Besides, "normal sexism," aka unconscious bias stuff like, "strong men help me pick the heavy stuff,” I don't think I have had any notable experiences of sexism or have seriously felt it in my life. So I feel like I can't give any deep observation about sexism or religion besides, yup that sounds right! Same with any the politics about war than, yup nationalism bad! I'm really aware that I'm just an 18 yr old who doesn't know much cause young people think they know everything (I mean that gets thrown a lot to invalidate young activists but there is a kernel of truth of: less experience=less knowledge of the world). Basically, I am noticing deeper themes in the book, but don’t expect me to talk about these parts if the book too much, because I don’t think I have anything productive to add. I just feel super unqualified to comment on much of this, and like I could be wrong about 100 different things I just said.

Umm… with that being said,

—Some quotes that I thought were interesting but I can't articulate why rn—

"At Paul's insistence, she'd read the whole of 'From the Mothers of Borogravia!!' to him, including the bits about heroes and there being no greater good than to die for your country. She wished, now, she hadn't done that. Paul did what he was told. Unfortunately, he believed what he was told, too."

"Several copies of the pamphlet seemed to have reached every home, even so. It was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing"

"She'd learned to read and write after a fashion because the inn was big and it was a business and things had to be tallied and recorded. Her mother had taught her to read, which was acceptable to Nuggan, and her father made sure that she learned how to write, which was not. A woman who could write was an Abomination Unto Nuggan, according to Father Jupe; anything she wrote would by definition be a lie."

"She'd be funny just as long as she was useless, and safe as long as she was funny." Ugh yah, some men get really threaten by women being better than them

Misc—

Thank goodness for the audio book. I love when authors write in the accents, I think it creates character and it's very creative... but I'm terrible at trying to understand what they're saying. I've been doing a mixture of audio book only, audio book plus text, and just reading text. Anyways, I was reading a line Strappi said where he was mocking Maladict and I literally couldn't understand it until I listened to that part later when I could use my headphones again.

"Private Bloodfnucker hnas a fnord, Fnargeant," he said accusingly.

This was the line btw. All hail audiobooks everyone 🧎🧎🧎

Also damn digital books and audio books help me actually pick up the book and it makes it a lot less intimidating. I like reading but, sometimes my brain views it as a chore. Like I used to start books, LIKE THEM, and then proceed to NOT finish them. I have been using audiobooks in the past but it was while reading the book, and almost never just the audiobook (unless I had didn't finish a chapter in time for class). But man, actually leaning into how my brain works makes it easier. Who would've thought! (Like I always forget how useful hearing the text it, even though I have been using this tip for years). So yah, even though I think I prefer the experience of physical books, I need to just let myself read the easiest ways to me. Audiobook only, has been nice since it takes the least amount energy, but it is the hardest for me to understand, especially if it gets too flowery/lore-y. So warning, I’ll miss small details because of this. I usually go back and skim the parts I did audio only, but I’ll still miss stuff.

Also, I'm using hoopla(and when the 21 days are up, my libby ver of the text should be available), but tip! If you like to annotate, download books on PDFs and annotate using the comments. Honestly, great with research papers too! I love to highlight with different colors and then you filter the annotations, amazing really. Obviously you can do this in irl books but I like that I can write more in the comment section thingy than in the margin of books.

But yah! I'm liking the book so far. I like how Terry Pratchett writes and I like Polly as a mc.

I will add alt text some other date cause I don't have the mental energy rn. If someone besides Anna find it and wants them, just @ me in the comment and I'll @ you when I finish this Also gonna add links to the previous and next review for better organization.

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