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gayfanservice · 2 years

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Tendō Satori x MALE Reader

Fluff?

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“Alright, gather around!” Coach Irihata yelled. You’ve only been going to Aoba Johsai for a couple months now, first year of high school. “Shiratorizawa has invited us to a game,” he started, “I expect you all to be here on time. In the meantime we’ll come up with strategies.” Coach ended before walking to a white board with the team captain. ‘Shiratorizawa? THE Shiratorizawa Academy?? Against? Shit. Smart AND athletic. We’re dead. So very, very dead.’ You thought, completely missing the plans. “And (L/N), you’ll be starting.” Coach interrupted your thoughts. “…. what”

——————

The ride to Shiratorizawa Academy was the worst. Getting up extra early was the last thing you wanted to do. On top of that, you didn’t have time to grab your earphones. Although, that was your fault for not getting up early enough. ‘Stupid sleep. Stupid no music. Stupid Shiratorizawa, with their stupid volleyball club wanting to play with stupid us. Whoa, okay. Outta line.’ The glare on your face didn’t go unnoticed by your poor bus mate, what was his name? Yoda? You-da? You couldn’t remember, too caught up in paragraphing what you’d say when it came to your turn for introductions. Though it all went out the window when it did come to your turn. Your voiced cracked and you could hear everyone trying not to laugh.

Your bus mate, who you’ve been calling freckle-face since he’s the only one who’ve you seen with freckles on the team, looked like he was trying to sit in the isle trying to get away from you. You stole the window seat (which was the only good thing that’s happened so far) and poor freckle-face had no other choice but to sit with you. He could swear he was going crazy with how casual everyone was, and then there was you. Glaring at the back of the bus seat in front of you was scaring the shit out of him. On top of that, the seat in front of you two held the coaches. He was scared one off them would look back and see your glare and think it’s directed at them. Well, to be fair, he didn’t know why you were glaring.

He just hopes it wasn’t because of him. A couple other players looked at him weirdly, but other than that the ride to Shiratorizawa Academy was smooth. After getting of the bus, you stretched your figure. Sitting for god knows how long (you didn’t bother tracking the time, that would make everything more slower and miserable, and you were already in a pissy mood) always makes stretching nice. Walking towards the entrance to the school you immediately spot horses. ‘What the fuck. They have HORSES!? HOW RICH IS THIS PLACE?!’ Accidentally stopping, freckle-face bumped into you, startling both of you. Forgetting that you were mad, you turned around to apologize before stopping when he yelled “I-I’M SORRY!”

Startling you once again (and confusing you), you stood there for a couple seconds, processing what just happened. “Um, I think I’m the one who’s supposed to apologize.” You could feel the stares of your teammates (and the people riding horses. That shit was even more embarrassing), “Oh, uh,” you could see his face turning red, and as much as you wanted to deny it, so was yours. You bowed a little, saying a quiet “Sorry.” Before turning around, face hot with embarrassment, and continued walking with the rest of the group, which thankfully started walking before you even apologized. You could hear the boy with the horrible hair cut quietly laughing with the tall man with the thickest eyebrows you’ve ever seen.

After making it to the gym, Coach Irihata knocked before walking in, the players following. The Shiratorizawa players were practicing 3 on 3s, and ‘Holy shit they are BUFF what the FUCK’ you thought, you couldn’t even tell what year any of them were, maybe they were all 3rd years? But there are a couple that look like 1st years, like the red head who has the red-est hair you’ve ever seen. You didn’t even know red-red was possible, and here he is, red-red hair. Then there was a guy with… grey hair? ‘Is he okay? How stressed is he to already have grey hair? He’s going to be bald before 20. Betting on it now. No wait i need other people to bet with. Shit.’ And of course, ‘Okay, THOSE are the thickest eyebrows I’ve ever seen.’

After changing in to your practice clothes, you all had to get a jersey. Putting yours on, you briefly saw red-red bending backwards while talking too his teammates. You looked back and saw he was still doing it, and only after a couple seconds did he look at you, still bending backwards. Holding eye contact for a couple seconds before doing the exact same thing he was doing. You stared at each other in the same weird pose, before you started giggling to yourself. Soon, red-red was giggling to himself too, and you were just two idiots giggling to themselves while doing weird poses. Although it was ruined when you both got yelled at by your teammates, him by the stressed-out-probably-bald-before-20 guy.

Some fellow first year called out to you, “(L/N)! Don’t make friends with the enemy!” You couldn’t remember his name (you were honestly surprised he remembered your, you never talked to him before), but you did see girls come by almost every day to talk about him while you were practicing, and boy did that tire you out more than actually waking up. You looked at him before walking away, no longer smiling, pissed off that your fun was so short. Red-red looked better, he was still smiling while talking to the grey haired man that yelled at him. Lucky that he can still be cheery after having the mood ruined. Man, you should really try to remember names.

Lining up, it was time to start, “THANK YOU FOR PLAYING WITH US!”

——————

Well, who woulda’ guessed. You and red-red were standing right in front of each other. ‘Damn his hair looks soft as hell. Gotta ask what hair products he uses some time.’ Staring at each other for couple seconds, you looked away when the whistle blew. It was your team’s turn to serve, some second year who will remain nameless. Doing an underhand serve and getting it over the net, a scrawny first year tried to receive it, but it bounced off his arm and out off court. You could hear the couch yelling at him, while his teammates shook it off, “Better luck next time, Soekawa.” The tall, stoic -honestly looks like he’ll call you a bitch- said. ‘He looks like he’s going to fuck. Us. Up.’ You gulped. ‘So scary…’

——————

Yep. They beat your asses. ‘Who would of guessed? Oh right, me! I guess I’m just that good.’ That Ushijima guy (which you only know because you heard red-red yell his name while dunkin’ your asses) really gave you a hard time, being left handed really screwed you over. And the why red-red almost completely blocked all of your spikes. Scary. But cool. Drinking from your water bottle while listening to the Coach talk about the game (you honestly couldn’t care, you just wanted to go home and sleep) and strategies on how to beat them next time, you rubbed your wrist. You managed to receive one of his spikes. And boy, did you want to die that very moment, and every other moment after that.

You can still feel the stinging. He was definitely a third year, second at least. Too lost in though, you missed some type of rivalry that happened between the whine-y dude who yelled at you earlier and Ushijima, although it was fun to see him with such a pissed off face. You all lined up again, “THANK YOU FOR PLAYING WITH US!”, and proceeded to grab you stuff to change. ‘Ew, naked in a room full of other naked men.’ You thought, you saw red-red standing near the door and thought to yourself you will finally make a friend. Maybe. Grabbing your phone, you left the team and walked over to red-red. He looked at you before setting down his water bottle.

“Uh, hi,” You started, “You look cool.” God you really had no social skill (and you can feel your team staring at you, which made things 100% more hard). “You want to like, I don’t know, give me your number? To, like, hang sometime. Or something.” Mumbling the last part, red-red stared at you in what you think is bewilderment. ‘Don’t reject me, don’t reject me, don’t reject me, don’t reject me.’ being rejected in front of everyone would be the most humiliating thing known to man kind, you’d have to switch schools! Change your name! Hell, move countries! You couldn’t be known as the loser that got rejected in front of everyone!

After making uncomfortable eye contact for god knows how long (it was only five seconds), red-red smiled before taking your phone, yelling a quick “Sure!”. Breathing out a sigh of relief, he handed your phone back, seeing a new contact has been added. Putting it in as ‘Red-Red’, “Sweet! I’ll text you later?” You asked, you didn’t know this man’s schedule, but you hope it was free. “Yep! I’ll, uh, talk to you later!” You could tell he had the same amount of social skills you had, and you were excited to see how this would go. Shooting a quick text of your name, only five minutes passed before you got one back.

Red-Red: Tendō Satori :D 19:37 PM

‘Tendō… I can’t wait!’ All giddy with excitement, you walked towards the bus, a huge smile on your face, now changed out of your gross gym clothes. Taking a seat by the window again, you and Tendō texted. Freckle-face was happy you weren’t trying to kill him with your eyes, and stupid man-thing was looking at you in disbelief. You found out Ushijima Wakatoshi was actually a first year (which promptly ended with Satori getting a flurry of text asking how, and him responding with the same amount of confusion), Semi Eita was, surprisingly, not going to go bald, that’s just his hair, and their coach is a bitch. Texting Tendō the whole time, you didn’t realize the bus stopped until freckle-face tapped you on the shoulder.

“Huh?” You looked at him, “Uh, we’re here.” He stated, you looked out the window to see your school, “Oh, thanks, freckle-face.” You said has you gathered your stuff and quickly hopped of the bus and started walking home, still texting Tendō, not bothering to walk with the team, before realizing what you called him. “Shiiiiiiiit” Meanwhile, Yudo is wondering what the fuck just happened.

*********

This seems more of Yuda x reader 😭😭 opps. Anyway I think Tendō might be a little ooc 🧐

Read the rules before you follow me

#tendou satori #tendo satori #tendou satori x reader #tendou x reader #haikyuu x male reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!!#tendou satori x male reader #male reader #x male reader

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fuckthefireflys · 3 years

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𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓

SUMMARY: there’s a knock at the door, you think it’s your boyfriend back from panama, but to your suprise you see your father, and he doesn’t have good news

SONG RECOMMENDATION: all i want by kodaline

CHARACTERS: mainly reader x father!sully, mentions of sam, nate and rafe.

WORD COUNT: 1370 words

WARNINGS: swearing, death, emotional, spoilers for uncharted 4.

A/N: please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes, i am dyslexic as fuck lol. also the italic paragraphs are the letter

﹋﹋﹋﹋

You stared down at your phone, debating on whether or not to call your boyfriend for a seventh time in the past fifty minutes. He was in Panama, with his brother and Rafe, trying to find get into an old jail tower that once held Henry Avery, hoping to find something that would help navigate Averys treasure. You were in on the plan too, but seeing as it was a highly dangerous all male prison, the boys decided it was best you stay home.

Thoughts started spilling into your brain, the bad outweighing the good. You ran your hands through your hair, your leg bouncing up and down as you sat on the couch. The apartment grew darker as the sun went down, the main source of light being from your phone, which was now calling once more, only to hear Sam’s voicemail.

17 missed calls and 21 unread text messages.

You stood up, pacing around the coffee table, hugging Sam’s shirt close to your body and glancing out the window, seeing darkness filling the sky. All you wanted was to have him home.

A knock at the door startled you and dragged you out of your thoughts. You let out a sigh of relief, heading towards the door ready to either hug Sam or shout at him for worrying you so much. You took a deep breathe before opening the door, a small smile creeping on your face, ready to see your boyfriend.

However, your smile dropped when you saw your father there instead. It’s not that you weren’t happy to see him, you were always happy to see him, but right now you just wanted Sam.

“Hey, kid.”

He stood there, a sad smile on his face, which he tried to hide, but failed miserably to do. He tried to avoid eye contact with you, either looking at your face or down at the letter he held tightly in his hands. Something was wrong.

“Hi, Dad, come in. Hey, have you heard from Sam? Or even Nate? He should’ve been out ages ago but I can’t seem to get a hold of him.”

Sully sighed in defeat, dread filling him up. He knew he had to tell you and he knew he had to be the one to do it, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t want to tell his little girl that her boyfriend was dead.

“That’s, uh, that’s why I’m here. Listen Y/N...”

You watched your dad hesitate and stumble over his words, trying to find the right thing to say. As you watched him, you became more and more scared, waiting for him to say what he needed to. Deep down, you knew exactly what he was going to say, but you tried to bury that negativity down.

“Dad. Where is Sam?”

Your eyes grew watery, as sadness took over your fathers face, his emotions pretty much confirming your thoughts. You tried to suppress the tears that threatened to spill out of your eyes, but they won, slowly falling down. Your words began to stutter and stumble.

“Dad...where..where is he? Please.”

“He, uh... Sam he’s..”

“Dad, you need to tell me. You need to say it. Please. I need to hear you say it.”

He looked at the letter once again, gripping it tightly, before looking up at you. His heart broke as he watched you slowly begin to crumble.

“Sam died, Y/N. He got shot as they tried to escape the prison. I’m sorry.”

You stood there, sorrow filling your body. Your Sam was dead.

“Fuck.... How? The plan was simple, they just.. he.. Vargos was suppose to let them go.. I dont understand..”

Sully took a step closer to you, tears now falling from his eyes.

“I know, kid. Nate didn’t tell me many details, but from what I could gather, Rafe got pissed, messed the whole plan up.”

“Oh, of course. Of course it was Rafe. I swear to God when I see him I’m gonna fucking kill him!”

Your father now stood in front of you, placing his hands around your arms.

“No you won’t you-“

“He got Sam killed! He got my Sam....is he really gone?”

“I’m sorry, sweetie.”

You let out a sob, falling into your dad, feeling his arms wrap around you, another stroking your hair in an effort to comfort you, though he knew no amount of comfort would calm you down. He mumbled “sorrys” and “it’s gonna be okay”, though you didn’t pay any attention.

All you could think about was Sam.

It was now around 3 AM, you sat curled up on the sofa, holding Sam’s shirt tightly to you, Sully hadn’t left your side since. Your eyes hurt from all the crying, your nose was red and your cheeks were puffy. You had calmed down slightly, mostly from exhaustion.

A yawn was heard from your dad, making you look at the time, suddenly feeling bad that you had kept your father here for so long.

“You, uh. You should go home. Get some sleep.”

“No. No way, I’m not leaving you.”

“Dad, it’s fine. You need to sleep. Besides, I kind of want to be alone right now.”

“Are you sure?”

You nodded, shooting him a hint of a smile, he shot one back, hesitantly getting up and walking over to you, planting a small kiss to your head.

“It’s going to be okay. Not yet, but eventually.”

He placed the letter he had been holding on the couch next to you, before grabbing his coat.

“What’s this?”

“Oh, uh, Sam gave it to me when you two first got together, said to give it to you if anything ever happened to him.”

“Oh.”, was all you could say, picking up the letter, taking a deep breathe before opening it. You heard the front door close, leaving you alone in the dimly lit apartment. Your eyes closed for a brief second as you unfolded the paper, immediately teary as you saw your boyfriends writing.

Dear Y/N,

If you’re reading this, then I’m sorry. I’m most likely dead, or maybe kidnapped by pirates, hopefully it’s the second one. It was bound to happen some day, you know what I’m like, always getting myself into shit. And I know what you’re like, always saving me from said shit. And I know you’re probably sitting at home, right now, reading this, blaming yourself. Whatever happened, it’s wasn’t your fault. Okay? None of it.

There was just a few things I wanted you to know, that I’ve never really told you. You know I’m not good at talking, but hopefully I can write it. You are the love of my life. Simple as that. From the moment we first met, I knew I was going to fall in love with you, and honestly it terrified me. But you made every single second worth it. You are literally the most amazing thing to happen to me and at times, you were the only one that kept me going. I wish I would’ve told you that more, shown you more, cause I really do love you. More than anything.

I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life mourning over me and being sad. You deserve to be happy. So I want you to know it’s okay to move on, though be warned I will come and haunt the shit out of both of you. I’m gonna miss you.

I’ll be waiting for you on the other side. I love you so fucking much.

Your Sam

P,S. look after nate, make sure he doesn’t get himself killed too

Despite the tears streaming down your cheeks, you chuckled. Sam always knew how to make you laugh, even in the worst of times, that was one of the reasons you loved him so much.

You read the letter over and over again, crying more and more each time until you couldn’t any more. You loved Sam more than anything, and now he was gone. And even with his ‘permission’ you knew you would never be able to move on.

You would never be able to love anyone more than you loved Samuel Drake.

A/N: i’m thinking of writing another imagine like this one, where the reader is in love with sam and instead of sully giving her the letter nate does, and it’s actually Sams love confession to the reader and i could do a part 2 where they reunite and talk about the letter. let me know what you think!

#samuel drake x reader #sam drake x reader #sam drake #samuel drake #x reader #imagines #uncharted 4 #uncharted #naughty dog #nathan drake #sad imagines

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cassahina · 3 years

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Could I get a kin match up with Danganronpa, Demon Slayer and Saiki K.?

- I’m fun and one of the loudest people in my friend group, but outside of it my usual quiet. I’m not shy or anything, I just don’t have anything to say to them… actually I get kind of nervous when I speak to outside people because I’m scared I’ll go on a big talking spree.

- I guess going back to the talking spree, I love talking about my interest!! Not in a rude way or anything, I just need someone to talk about the shows I’m watching or about movies. It could be anything from character development and designs to movie lighting or how they built up one scene in an amazing way!

- I hate texting because I write at least two small paragraphs as a response. Why is this bad? Well I get anxious whenever people type back with one 3-4 words as a response to me because I think I weirded them out.

- I have a crying problem. Anything could set me off. I gotten better at holding it together, but it’s still nothing special. It’s been happening since I was young, at the time being the worst. I finally snapped in year 4 where I just didn’t give a bloody damn about anyone outside what I considered my friend group, that’s the year I remember I didn’t cry that much.

- Okay more lighter notes, I love to write and take lead in different situations (where I most need to, I don’t do it most of the time). I also love drawing!

- Idk if this is needed, but my type has always been brown hair/brown eyes idiot. But I have some exceptions.

- I really love swimming! I hate doing it competitively, but I don’t mind doing a couple laps. Fave is mix between backstroke, freestyle and butterfly. I can’t do breaststroke for the god damn life of me.

- I’m not mean in anyway, but because it’s common in my family I tend to say some things on accident that could someone’s feelings. But overall I’m known as a kind person. I get along with most people (boys and girls and other) and I’m considered a friend in each of those friend groups.

Ahh! Sorry if it’s a lot or to little! I wanted to make sure it’s at least readable.. heh. (Ah! I guess I could also say I say sorry a lot… like if I drop something I was carrying I would say sorry, but I’ve said sorry to some of my friends if they drop something that I was no where near.) Hopefully it’s alright!

-🌸

Sure thing 🌸 Anon! Sorry this took a bit, my birthday kept me busy and the 30th was my best friends birthday too so 😅. I hope you enjoy this though despite the wait! It was really fun to do for my first kin matchup on this blog, so thanks :))))

I match you with….

Aoi Asahina and Mahiru Koizumi from Danganronpa, Zenitsu from demon slayer, and Kaido from Saiki K., all for a kin matchup!

I chose Zenitsu and Kaido both for very similar reasons. They are both very nice, very dorky boys who give me the same warm, maybe a little anxious, but genuinely super sweet vibe that you are giving me. Both the boys here are more sensitive in their shows than other characters, and they cry a bit (Zenitsu especially), but they are really just very lovable. They are very loud and considerate with their friends, but aren’t the best when with meeting new people which I think fits how you are quiet around them. Kaido also reminds me a lot of you when it comes to rambling about interests with friends, not in a rude way at all though as it’s more so just excitement and wanting to share it with others. Both the guys here just genuinely have really big hearts and are very dorky and sensitive (in a good way btw, I mostly use this term in a positive connotation), which I personally love about them and seems like something you could relate too.

I chose Aoi not only for the fact that she is a swimmer, I swear lol. But that was part of it, her love for swimming, but you would be less competitive than her. However, Aoi is also very fitting to how you described yourself in the beginning, she is a very loud and fun person with her friends who loves to ramble about what she is interested in (whether it’s sports, doughnuts, Sakura etc.) she can also take the lead in certain situations, and would probably hate when people respond to texts with only 4ish words seeing how she would be like you and write paragraphs. She is also very much a people person and gets along with both boys and girls thanks to her kindness, which fits you :)

I chose Mahiru because although she is less extroverted than Aoi, she still is very kind and is always trying to be considerate of others. She also seems like the type to be fun and maybe a little bit loud with friends, but is quiet outside of them like you because she doesn’t have much to talk about with others. She would definitely ramble about photography and other arts as well! Moreover, she is the type who might not be the leader of the group, but she definitely steps in to lead at times. Also, seeing how she loves photography, it can be assumed that she appreciates the arts so she could very well be into drawing and writing as well. Out of all the people here, she is the most likely to also say something on accident that could hurt someone’s feelings, but it is never in a malicious way, more so it’s likely to be her trying to give them advice because she cares. Oh, and as for your type, everyone who I have seen so far who loves Mahiru either ships her with Hiyoko or Hajime, and Hajime almost fits your type perfectly minus his eyes so there is that as well :)

Honorary matchup with Mikan Tsukimi, who cries quite a bit but is genuinely such a sweetheart and is comfortable talking about things associated with her talent. :)

#cassierole the ultimate writing prodigy #matchup #kin matchup #kin matchups #demon slayer matchup #demon slayer #saiki k matchup #the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki no psi nan #danganronpa matchups #danganronpa

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campcampfanfan · 3 years

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Let me start off with saying, these two fanfics are my favorite of all time. They are incredibly well written, exciting, and overall amazing. I am writing this review because 1) I’m bored and 2) This fic deserves a proper review. And I admire Forestwater. That too. I will be reviewing both parts, The Adventures of Tigger and Eyeore and Tigger and Eyeore: Camp Campbell and beyond. I am also splitting this into two posts, so yeah. Also, Trigger warnings for Swearing, Smut Review, and All Caps. The other post will have trigger warnings on it as well. So, enjoy!

So, the first chapter. What happens? Gwen arrives, reading, and David scares her on accident. She thinks he’s a camper, which I started bursting out laughing. He does act and looks like a camper, which makes sense. Anyways, our amazing lead, Gwen, realizes he’s another counselor, and is shocked. She reflects on not being able to Campbell, and they begin to get to know each other. Honestly, this is such a nice scene. Don’t ask me why, it’s so nice. Like, just the way they interact is so soothing and nice. It’s a good first chapter!

Second chapter! This was super cool to see what could have been. I really love this scene with Gwen and David, as it has them interacting about what they would do, what they are free and just… talk. It’s nice. Also, expanding on Gwen’s love of trash T.V is amazing. Thanks for that, Forest. Amazing Gwen introducing the amazing Bob Ross, and it’s perfect. Whatever, amazing chapter.

Third chapter. The 4 S’s? Amazing. If y’all don’t know what that stand for here's the paragraph. It’s amazing, read it:

“Oh, no. She really should've checked with David to make sure whatever he had planned didn't include the 4 S's: Stab, Smash, Shatter, or Seriously Fuck Shit Up. Glass bottles fell under at least 3 of those categories.”

Also, David said the tucked away line was gold. I think I physically squealed at that. Honestly, not too much happens other than the fire thing, but you know, good chapter!

Fourth chapter. Wow, I’m getting through this faster than I thought I would. They are in forest?!?! At night?!?!? Alone?!??! … Nice. Capture the flag! Good idea!... Do I not have any more criticism for this chapter? It’s just amazing and well written? Also Gwen read Twilight? Oh who am I kidding, of course she did. WHEEZE…

Chapter five. Amazing. Perfect. Fucking perfect. David being terrified of scary stories, the bastard trio being the bastard trio, and a behind the scenes look at what would have happened during the credits. The Gwen and David leaving for Spooky Island after dusk and being scarred for life is amazing.

Chapter 6 fuckers. Really good chapter! We gotta love David falling in love with Gwen. Love it. Also, jokes hit home. Good job! Also, um, I love Gwen’s self doubt issues? Not like, love it, I’m not glorifying it in any way, but I…. to do that. Let’s be frank, I think I suck ass, so I relate to Gwen. Me too, girl, me too. Also, the magazine thing was so well done? I don’t know how to explain it, it was just a good scene of David looking over Gwen’s magazine’s and wondering if she thinks she needs it. And Gwen’s nicknames for the kids? Very nice. I know I’m not paying attention to the big plot points and shit, but the details and small things make me very happy! I like the small things, and I enjoy it. This is my review, ok? I get to pick what it’s about.

Already on Chapter 7! And OH MY GOD, BON BON MY BELOVED. Amazing! Lovely! I’m crying and I'm so happy! This might actually be my favorite chapter? Like, I love this one. And David plays Wheel of Fortune? Hello, that’s amazing. This is just fantastic? I don’t know specifically why, but Gwen and Bon Bon have the best damn dynamic. Gwen’s taste in men is trash, ok? Except David. That’s it. But anyways, Gwen discussing her exes with Bon Bon was a perfect scene. I kinda love Bon Bon acting as a more advice figure? Forest, if you are listening, please, if she ever comes back, more of that. Gwen patching David up is nice and sweet, and I just overall love Bon Bon??????

Chapter 8 is sad David. I just love David talks about how Gwen sees herself and tries to help?? Like, I don’t know if you guys read “Taking Charge” By Azeran on Ao3, but that’s a very good example of David recognizing Gwen’s unhealthy behavior and trying to help. Once again, Friend Forest (Can I call you my friend? Are we just mutuals? Idk?), I kinda love the idea of this fic, and would love to see a chapter about that, or maybe even…. A smut chapter????? Haha, just kidding, Unless? Wow, that was super long just ranting. Sorry, Sorry. Time to talk about the actual story. We love Gwen’s want to kiss David’s forehead. Amazing. They are practically dating. Alright, hurrying this up, I’m just going to make the next paragraph about the next few chapters.

More Gwenvid stuff, and it’s amazing. Gwen has more self doubt, which I relate too, and David comforts her! Perfection. We also love Gwen slowly loving her job, it just feels so nice. Also, David being kind of unintentionally racist is really funny from Gwen’s point of view. Like, it wasn’t funny in the episode, but it’s so good in this fic???? Ok, two chapters down,sorta. Gwen being a mom to Harrison and Nerris, which is amazing, and David walking in at the worst time made me laugh. Good job once again! Rest of the chapter is them chatting, and I am a sucker for it. Then, the special scene. Order of the Sparrow, Max and David fighting, but in this point, it’s in GWEN’S point of view. I love this. Too much. I just-

Aanonfoofinfliwehfuehfifuheifuhriuheriufhew

Sorry, getting off topic (sorta). This chapter shows Max’s softer side and how Gwen cares for David. It’s just… incredible. And then…Chapter 12. OH MY GODS. What the hell. I was so excited, and I was right. When I read this the first time, I was not disappointed. Can I just… say how much I love this? It’s such a good fic, and the finale was as promised. Gwen expresses her self doubt, they chat, and then…

GWENVID.

Ok, I’ll make a whole separate post about why I like this version of Gwen so much, but Gwen’s so… real. I sympathize for her, feel for her, I just know what she’s going through. I just feel sorry for all she’s gone through. Then, they... ehm…. Do the horizontal tango. The dirty. The morning delight. Smut. Boom. Not going to lie, well written. You did good, Forest, you did good. Thanks you for.. That. It was good quality.

So Tl:DR, This fic is fucking amazing and possibly the best one in the fandom. Good job, @forestwater87 Yay!

#camp camp #cc gwen #cc david #forestwater #I'm so tired of writing this whole thing out

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smoljamswrites · 4 years

Text

all is fair in love & war | bts x reader | chapter 4

pairing: bts x female reader

genre: mafia!au, series fic, angst, fluff, (eventual) smut

warnings for this chapter: abuse, fat levels of angst (but then there’s a fluffy part that’s then killed by more angst), swearing, degradation, mentions of stalking, y/n cries? is this a potential trigger, idk?

a/n: just an fyi, incase it isn’t clear, the italics in paragraphs are thoughts. Plus, I apologise if this chapter seems a little jumpy in terms of moving from scene to scene - but it’s just so I could get the story to progress quicker, so I can get into the real meat of it. Oh and I probably butchered the Korean street name system thingy so if you could excuse that, that’d be great. Thanks for reading and supporting this fic! I love you all!!

fic playlist is here x

Clutching at your hair, Sunny roughly drags you into the living room. To say she was livid would be an understatement. The anger darkened her eyes, her eyebrows furrowed, and jaw clenched as she brought you to a stop – right in front of Yunseo and some of the other members. She had phoned them when you begged her to not to tell anyone about the guy in the car, declaring you had a “contact within the outside world”. They had sent a car to pick you both up at that moment, and her hands haven’t left your hair since – gripping onto it so hard, making your eyes water.

Yunseo sits directly in the middle of the leather sofa, his crew of Syndicates placed strategically around the room. They’re expecting me to run…interesting. You’re pushed down onto the floor, your knees harshly colliding with the solid laminate.

Before you even lift your head to meet his eyes, Yunseo has already began to raise his voice. “Who was the guy, Y/N?!” his voice was filled with hatred, fires of fury smouldering his narrowed eyes. You look down onto the floor, shaking your head, not saying a word. Why the fuck would I tell them Jungkook’s name? They’re gonna have to try a lot harder than this, you muse.

A sinister chuckle escapes past Yunseo’s lips, and it makes your stomach churn. You know it isn’t long until they start getting violent, but that isn’t going to make you cave. Not yet. “Listen, we can do this the easy way – you tell me his name, how you know him and what was said between you two – or we can do this the hard way” at that Yunseo rises from his seat and the other members follow suit to loom over you.

You’re on your knees, head lifted to meet eyes with your intimidators. Your eyes wander to Juwon, and you find yourself surprised he isn’t playing with your hair or finding another way to place his grimy hands on you. A smirk toys on his lips, liking the way you look through your eyelashes at him, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by you. Sick fucking bastard! Your blood is boiling; you are sick and tired of being treated like this. Like you’re just a possession to them. Adrenalin hits you, and it makes you feel alive. Your heart is beating so fast, you feel as if it going to fly straight out of your chest. Standing up, you notice for the second time this week you are feeling yourself getting brave.

“No. Why don’t you fucking listen to me? Fuck you! I hate all of you! Why didn’t you just kill me, huh? Kill me! Go on, I dare you!” the adrenalin is flowing through your blood, and it feels like you can’t control your limbs, which is why it is such a surprise to you as much as it is to your ‘superiors’ when you lay your hands on Juwon. Putting all the force you could muster; you use both hands to push at his figure. Due to Juwon not expecting this, he falls back, rage evident on his face as soon as he reaches the ground. Within the same millisecond, your body is dragged back by somebody else, arms restricted, and you don’t even wince when Yunseo’s fists come flying towards your face. You don’t know whether it’s the surge of adrenalin or if its because you’re used to the pain by now, but you just feel numb to his actions. Each punch, to both your face and body, sends signals to your brain that makes it feel like your internal organs should be bursting – but yet you don’t seem to feel a thing. It’s like you’re unconscious, but you can see everything that is happening. All you can feel is your heart beating loudly in your ears, and it’s almost deafening.

“Who the fuck was it, you dirty fucking slut?!” Yunseo’s spit flies at your face, amazingly faster than the blows.

It is at this moment, that your body realises what is happening. Your mind snaps back into reality and every hit sends a painful jolt through your body. Your face is soaked from the tears, and you’re screaming, finding it hard to hear your own screams over their harsh words. You need this done with, and you need it done with now.

“F-fine I’ll tell you! Just don’t hit me again, please!” you whimper out. The member who was propping up your body lets go, leaving your limp form to fall to the ground. You can hear snickers coming from around the room. They really think they’ve won, huh? Cute.

“I-I met him at ‘Angels’ and to be honest I don’t really know him. But for the past few days, he seemed really obsessed with me. When I saw h-him outside the shop, it creeped me out, I didn’t expect him to be there, and I lost my cool, I guess.” You begin, trying to simultaneously catch your breath, “I went up to his car and literally asked him why he was following me. And when he wouldn’t answer me, I called him a creep and left. That was when I saw Sunny there.”

They all hold the same look on their face – like they want to believe you but they’re not quite sure yet. Your throat feels on fire from all the screaming and crying, but you find it in you to continue, wanting to finish your web of lies perfectly, “I didn’t want to tell you because I see the way you hurt people, and he seemed like an ordinary guy, just too caught up in his own horny feelings and I didn’t want you to hurt him because of that. I guess I felt scared for him.”

The Sin Syndicate members all look towards their leader, awaiting their new order, and you do the same, praying that they believe your story. Yunseo scratches at his stubble on his jaw, seemingly deciding on his next step. He addresses the members first, not bothering to look in your direction, “We’ll keep an eye out for him – Sunny you know what he looks like right? Perfect.” And then he spares a glance at you, “As for you, get to bed, I don’t want to see you right now.”

Your legs shake and your whole body feels extremely sore. Clutching at your own waist, as if you were stopping your intestines from falling out, you drag yourself to your room. You flop down onto your bed, head pounding. Yet all you can think about is Jungkook’s safety – what will happen if they find him? God I shouldn’t even care about him, he’s a fucking stalker! But yet you still reach into your drawer fifteen minutes later to retrieve your phone, deciding on warning Jungkook.

Fuck. Your phone shows you that you have already had missed calls and many text messages from him. You move your thumb to press the correct button to get onto the messaging app, then instantly press again to pull up the conversation between you and Jungkook.

Jungkook: please don’t be mad! I can explain, I promise. It’s just not something that I can explain quickly x [19:26]

Jungkook: ‘You have missed calls from ‘Jungkook’ at 19:29 and 19:41. This is a free call alert.’

Jungkook: please don’t ignore me Y/N, it’s important that I know that you’re okay x [19:59]

Jungkook: ‘You have missed 3 calls from ‘Jungkook’. This is a free call alert’.

Jungkook: Just hear me out Y/N x [20:04]

You feel your heart fall to the pit of your stomach. You can tell Jungkook is worried about you and you hate that you made him concerned. But you still need to think about his actions, following you around is not okay. You have every right to feel mad. It’s because of him that you just got the beating of your lifetime!

You: I don’t understand how you’re eager to give me answers all of a sudden, when earlier you wouldn’t give them me!? What’s changed now? Finally worked out an excuse? [20:13]

He messages back relatively fast, which draws your mind back to feeling guilty for worrying him. Oh God! I still have to warn him!

Jungkook: I get that you’re mad but not replying for almost an hour after I last seen you isn’t funny! You had me so fucking worried! I literally thought the worst, okay! I thought something had happened to you. WTF?! As for the answers you want (and deserve) I will give them you, I promise. All you gotta do is meet with me because I need to explain things face to face, it’s easier. The situation is too complicated for me to rush the explanation or to type it out on text x [20:15]

Leaving isn’t a problem. It’s the making sure Jungkook remains safe and that he isn’t seen by any Sin Syndicate member that’s the issue.

You: I’d be happy to meet you so I could finally know wtf is going on, but I don’t know how I’m going to be able to. [20:16]

You know that you have to go; this could be your opportunity to explain to him that he needs to be careful – maybe you could explain to him the full situation…can you trust him with that?

You: Okay so I have an idea. But for it to work, you gotta be able to work with me or this could end terribly, trust me! (I’ll explain later!) Make sure you are by your phone all day tomorrow, if you can, and when I have the chance to meet you, I’ll message you to let you know. I don’t know what time it will be but it will definitely be tomorrow because I really need to tell you something too! [20:18]

Jungkook: deal. x [20:18]

Not wanting to be the cause of his fretting again, you ensure to message him one last time before turning your phone off and getting some well-deserved sleep.

You: Goodnight x [20:19]

--------------------------------------------------------

You haven’t been able to concentrate all morning. You haven’t got a performance on main stage today, but you still had to show up for work, especially with what had happened the night before. So you’ve been preoccupying yourself with speaking to clients and helping the waiters and waitresses. There is no way you’ll be practicing today, let alone performing for everyone. Currently, you’re sat at the bar, swirling your tiny umbrella around in your glass.

Getting yourself out of bed this morning was a nightmare. As soon as you sat up and swung your legs over the side of the bed, it had sent an aching pain right through your entire being. Your head felt too heavy to carry from the offset, and all you wanted to do was to lie back down again. But you knew you couldn’t. If you wanted everything to go smoothly you knew you had to start moving.

You feel almost criminal – your phone being hidden in the fluffy slipper sock that your wearing, planning to sneak out for a while. The girls haven’t spoken to you yet, but they don’t miss the opportunity to send malicious glares in your direction. Not that you want them to speak to you; you know they hate you and the feeling is mutual. Just then someone places their hand on your back, and you jump at the feeling.

“Hey hey, what’s wrong? You’re all jumpy…is everything okay?” a familiar voice begins to calm your worries, and the way his comforting tone spills past his lips with ease sends a foreign sensation to your core. You move to meet his eyes, and a concerned look adorns his face.

“I’m fine Jin. Just got a lot on at the moment, I guess.” You decide to play it safe, considering you blurted out probably more than you should have done, the last time. But still, his evident worry doesn’t fade.

Taking a seat next to you at the bar, he ghosts his hand over yours- almost like he was deciding whether he should take your hand in his, but then chose against it. “Is there anything that I can help with?” You snap your head in his direction. Oh my god, what a fucking genius!

Your emotions must have shown on your face, because his brows drew together like he was wondering what you could be thinking about.

“Yes! Woah okay so,” you begin turning your body and bringing your hands together in excitement. Your voice instantly lowers as you speak again, “I need to meet a, well uhm-, a friend. But the problem is, I can’t leave. It’s super important that I meet with him today, so maybe, if you could help me that would be amazing! I’m thinking that you could wait half an hour or so, then request a private dance from me? And that way then they’ll think I’m preoccupied elsewhere, meaning that I could leave? What do you think?”

“Yeah sure, I’d be happy to help.”

---------------------------------------

Making yourself look busy with other clients for the next 30 minutes was harder than you had anticipated. You struggled to focus on the conversations you were having with them, as your mind kept flitting back to your previous chat with Seokjin.

God he’s a lifesaver! I seriously owe him one.

After what seemed like centuries, Yunseo calls your name. Making your way to him, you tried to look as sheepishly as possible, knowing it’d be best to make this stunt look believable. “Y-yes sir?” Nice! Make him think you’re scared after yesterday.

He doesn’t bother to speak for long, evidently pissed at your antics this week, “A gentleman has offered me a pretty large sum of money to book two back-to-back private dance slots with you. I’d be an idiot not to accept, so you’ll be in there for an hour. Keep him happy.” And with that he’s gone. You have to look at the floor to prevent anyone watching from seeing the smile forming on your lips.

Entering the same private dance room as last time, you quickly shut the door and squeal as you make your way over to where Jin is sitting.

“You are currently my favourite person ever! You’ve given me a whole hour! You’re the best seriously!” You know you look like an idiot because you just can’t stop smiling. You pull out your phone from the side of your sock and begin to text Jungkook.

You: Hey, I’m okay to leave now, but I must be back before half one x [12:33]

Bringing your attention back onto Jin, a sudden realisation hits you. “Shit! You’re gonna have to hide for an hour while I’m gone!” The smile is instantly wiped off your face, as you prepare yourself for an annoyed Seokjin. Yet, he doesn’t appear annoyed at all.

Shaking his head and continuing to smile, he stands up, “I know. Don’t worry! If you wanted, I could drive you to wherever you needed to go to meet your friend?” he goofily shakes his car keys and you giggle.

------------------------------

Sitting in the passenger seat of his car, you are speechless. This dude must be earning the big bucks if this is his own fucking Chevrolet Corvette! The shutting of Jin’s door brings you back to reality, “So where are we going?”

Oh right, duh. Removing your phone from your sock once more, you turn on the screen to read Jungkook’s message and position it so Jin can see.

Jungkook: okie dokie, do you know where the café is on Myeongnyun-ro? It’s only a few minutes away from Angels x [12:35]

“ahh right then, lets go!”

-----------------------------

Getting out the car and thanking Jin, you make your way towards the café door. Instantly you start fretting as Jungkook is nowhere to be seen. Sitting down at a booth, you begin to text him, but you’re interrupted by the door in front of you opening, making the little bell above it ding!

Jungkook walks through the door and you swear to God you stop breathing for a second. Your eyes trace his tall, well-built figure; from his chocolatey tousled hair down to his two-toned, bulky shoes. When his eyes meet yours, they instantly light up, and he moves his hand; gesturing for you to come over. As you get closer, the more nervous you feel. You notice the way he bites his bottom lip, and starts wringing his hands together, and that made you relax. He was just as nervous as you were. Reaching his figure, you took a deep breath, inhaling his scent. Your mind wanders to the night that you met, and a goofy smile overtakes your features.

“Hey, what drink would you like?” he says, nerves still evident in the way he spoke.

“You’re sounding like Mr. Persistent Bartender again” you giggle, proud of the way he visibly loosens up at the sound of your joke.

Jungkook lets out a chuckle, as he rolls his shoulders back, “Shut up, lemme buy you a drink” he whines. His voice cuts straight through your heart, sending warmth through your body. Yet you can’t let him give you another drink for free.

“No no it’s fine! I’m not thirsty. Don’t spend your money.” You reach to grab his arm, as he moves in direction of the employee standing at the till.

All your efforts go to waste when he shakes his head at you, dismissing your previous comment, “Hey, I’ll take a coffee and… she’ll have a hot chocolate.” You pull on his arm like a child and tell him you’re fine, but this only spurs him on further. A smirk sits on his lips as he continues, “and can the hot chocolate have whipped cream and marshmallows too please?” He looks down at your unimpressed face, and he coos ruffling your hair. God, you’re going to be the death of him!

“Would you like sprinkles too?” you hear the barista ask, but you’re too late to reject the sprinkles as Jungkook has already beaten you too it. And of course he says yes.

“That’ll be £7.85 please. And I must say, you guys are such a cute couple!” the barista gushes and you feel heat rise to your face. You peer over to Jungkook and see him giving her the money with the biggest smile on his face.

“Thanks! Keep the change.” Grabbing both of the drinks, Jungkook walks back to the booth, with you trailing behind him, embarrassed. You slide in the seat opposite him and he pushes the hot chocolate towards you. Sarcastically rolling your eyes, you move the cup towards your mouth to take a sip. It tasted so heavenly; you swear you could have orgasmed. Lifting your eyes from the cup to look at Jungkook, you see he’s already looking at you – and he’s looking at you expectantly.

“….what?”

“You first.” The two words sends you into a frenzy, reminding you of why you’re actually here. Fidgeting in your seat slightly, you remove eye contact as you think about how to tell him. Okay so you’re gonna have to never ever speak to me again because I don’t want you to die. So, it’s been nice knowing you! Thanks for the hot chocolate.

You cough, ensuring your voice still works before lowering your voice, “Okay so what I’m about to tell you is really serious. I’m not joking or lying or whatever. I really need you to believe me, okay? I’ve lied to you – I don’t live at a stupid dorm, and I don’t go to college. In fact, the only proper schooling I have ever had was only for 2 years and it stopped when I was like 5. And from then, ‘til the age of 11 I was home schooled, if you could even call it that.” You realise you’re rambling, and you quickly decide to get to the point, “I live with these people. They’re not really nice and they hurt people and sometimes they hurt me,” You don’t notice as you’re not looking at him, but Jungkook tenses at this admission. “they don’t let me have proper contact with anyone. And um- they saw you speaking to me yesterday. Well, Sunny did, and she told the others, and I’m so fucking sorry but they’re looking for you now. And well, I need you to delete my number, stop talking to me, and forget about me forever just so I know that you’ll be safe-“

Your little speech is cut off by a giggle, and your eyes dart up, finally, to meet his. Why the fuck does he find this funny? Does he think I’m joking? Furrowing your eyebrows together, your whispering voice harshens, “Guk, I’m being serious here! I can’t believe-“

His voice is considerably loud compared to your quietened tone, “Y/N calm down, I’m pretty sure I can handle Syndicate” Jungkook finds your state of confusion very amusing, as he rests his head on his hand and smiles right at you.

Before you can interrogate him on how he knows Sin Syndicate, he cuts you off, “My turn yeah?” he moves his hand to take a hold of yours, “I’ve been following you since you came to our club because I’ve been worried. We all have. And by we, I mean…Bangtan. I’m sure you’ve heard of us…” his eyes search yours and all he sees in return is pure panic. “Please hear me out! We don’t want to hurt you, I promise. Bangtan doesn’t hurt innocent people – we protect the innocent. All through my training, I was told the chilling story of the young girl, who had to be kidnapped due to a slip up in the Syndicate’s System, tortured not just by the grief of losing her family, but by the men who held her captive. When the new generation of Bangtan took over 7 years ago, we vowed to find that girl, and keep her safe. And here you are. You don’t need to worry about me, yeah? Syndicate doesn’t know our true identities, and it’s gonna stay that way, right?”

Your heart is thumping so loud, you’re certain he can hear it, “…oh yeah. I won’t tell anyone, I promise” your voice is barely a whisper. You feel so fucking numb, it feels like you’re dreaming.

“So, do you have any questions?”

Do you? “Um, I don’t know, my mind’s a little blank at the moment. This is a lot to take in. Um- do you kill people then?”

He lets out a breath, and gently moves his hand to intertwine his fingers with yours, “not in the way Syndicate does. Syndicate will kill anything that breathes, just to make a point. We kill people that are like Sin Syndicate. Does this make sense?” he looks up from your hands to meet your gaze, and you quickly nod, “The best person to have explain to you all the technical stuff is our leader Namjoon.”

Now it’s your turn to divert your gaze again, as you ask a question you really don’t want the answer too, “ahh, so you all have roles then?”

“Yeah.” Gulp. ”I’m Bangtan’s assassin.”

You immediately tense. Assassin? Like the one in charge of killing people? Like the guy who murdered my family? No way. I can’t do this.

“Y/N-“

You flinch at the sound of his voice, standing up and instantly ripping your hand away from his. You feel sick to your stomach. “I gotta go, they’ll be wondering where I am” you say quickly, trying to blink back the tears that were starting to form. And just like that you exit the café and leave Jungkook behind, wondering what on earth he’s just done.

---------------------------------------

You enter through one of the fire exits at the back of the club and head straight for the toilets. Running into a cubicle, you quickly lock the door behind you and sit on the closed seat. The tears that you had held back were now escaping, causing sobs to rush past your lips. With your head in your hands, tears drip through your fingers, onto the tiles below. Your breathing hitched as you hear his confession again.

‘I’m Bangtan’s assassin.’

Thud! Thud! Thud! You’re interrupted by a banging on the stall door.

“Y/N is that you?” the voice called, and you recognise it to be Grace’s.

“..yeah..”

A breathy laugh sounds out into the room, “good! We thought you did a runner!”

You stay in the cubicle for a while longer – only coming out when you know Grace has left. Letting the door swing behind you, you head straight to the sink to wash your face.

------------------------------

Meanwhile, Jungkook is walking aimlessly around the city. Filled to the brim with rage and self-loath, he is wandering various streets, the only company he has is his thoughts.

Why the fuck did I tell her that I’m an assassin? I’ve fucked everything up. Now what’s she gonna do, huh? She could snitch on us all, which is unlikely but not impossible. Or she could cut contact with me. Either way, the guys are gonna be pissed. Oh god, what if she got caught heading back? What if they’re beating her right now? I swear to God if I find-

“OI!” someone yells from behind him, making him instantly turn to find out who’s shouting. Two guys and one girl stalk towards him – is that the Sunny girl? They head straight towards him, but Jungkook’s never been one to back down from a fight.

“Yep, that’s him boys. Get him!” Sunny remains in her spot, about 3 metres away from Jungkook. She crosses her arms as she watches the drama unfold.

The two men lunge for Jungkook, but it’s him that gets the first punch. Hitting one of them, they stumble back, whilst the other slams Jungkook, head first, into some near by shutters. Punching the man in the gut, Jungkook gets his own back; but it’s not long until the duo gets the upper hand. Jungkook is left in a bad shape, as he slides down the shutters. The 3 Syndicates laugh menacingly as they leave – unaware of who they’ve just laid their hands on.

Pulling his phone out from his pocket, he quickly dials the number he was searching for.

“Hyung...?”

next chapter update: Wednesday 19th February 2020 9pm gmt

tagging: @dearlydreadful @honeydewseoks @whimsicalwoodlands @toddsgirl27 @wendyiiwl @asifetch7 @barbyisafangirl @miraculyfe @btsxdoll @laluzdirectioner @slutkoo @bubbletae7 @h5naaa @smollmonajinsa @vivpurple7 @purplelady85 @vi-hoshi

let me know if you wanna be tagged in future chapters!

Thank you so much for reading

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janetbrown711 · 4 years

Note

. There’s a difference between being brave and being suicidal Louie webby

“You excited for tonight?” Webby asked as she adorned a set of her Granny’s pearls and styled her hair into a nice and neat updo that reminded Louie of old photos of a younger and happier Beakley, but God knows he’d never tell her that.

“Excited? Try ‘kinda dreading’. I have to stand around for at least a half-hour saying hi to countless, and I mean countless, duck cousins. Nothing could be more dreadful about this wedding,” Louie complained.

“Oh come on Lou. Where’s your bravery? It’s your family, what is the worst that could happen?” She asked.

“There is a difference between being brave and being suicidal Webs. I am not going to say ‘hi’ to every single one of those weirdos. I swear, some of them might actually be lunatics. I just don’t understand them,” Louie shook his head.

“You’re so dramatic,” Webby rolled her eyes, “I’m sure it’s just your lack of understanding that makes you paranoid. And besides, one could very easily consider Donald or your brothers lunatics so maybe don’t be so quick to judge,” Webby warned.

“Alright, fine. I’ll at least shake hands but I swear if they try to say more than small talk I might have to leave,” Louie said.

“I’ll take what I can get,” Webby kissed his cheek before heading off to the bathroom.

“Oh, and don’t forget, you have to try to talk to Granny like a human being tonight. No being an awkward robot around her,” She added.

“What?! You never told me I have to do that! She scares the crap out of me,” he proclaimed.

“Louie, she’s gonna be your Granny-in-law tomorrow. I think it’s best if you start having normal conversations before it’s too late,” Webby sighed. Louie pondered what exactly she meant by that,

but he still couldn’t grip a reality where he wasn’t at least a little bit afraid of Mrs. Beakley at all times.

After all, she wasn’t necessarily the warmest person when they told her they were dating, or when they told her they were engaged.

“Fine, I’ll... try. But only for you,” Louie sighed.

“My hero,” she popped her head out the door just to smile at him. That stupid cute smile made him want to actually actually mean it, but Beakley really was scary.

This was going to be a long, and difficult evening.

.o0o.

They stood at the door for what felt like an eternity, even Webby couldn’t deny that. Her one regret was wearing heels, bringing flats, but not bringing them to the dinner because “she’s endured torture before”. Biggest lie she ever convinced herself of.

There were somehow many, many more members of the Duck family than Louie remembered. There was Gladstone and whoever he was dating today, Fethry and his brother Louie had never met Abner, this guy named Gus, Donald and Daisy, Della, this old lady who he vaguely remembered someone telling him was his Great Aunt or something??? Her name was Lulubelle and she was a lot like Fethry. Figured they were related somehow. There were also a ton of other people that he just straight up couldn’t recall. He glanced at Webby every once in a while for support but it didn’t look like she knew them either.

The biggest problem of the night though? Dewey was drunk before he even got there (along with hypeman and apparently boyfriend Dante) and Della and Daisy were having some sort of squabble about arm wrestling, which put Donald in the most awkward position in history. Also, Launchpad crashed into someone's car

"This is going to be fun, right Louie?” She asked him, elbowing him slightly when she saw the grimace on his face as he was flipping through what was going on in his brain.

“Right,” he gave back a very forced smile. Webby rolled her eyes.

“Just behave yourself. We don’t need two drunk Duck brothers. And if I have to wake you from a hangover, I swear, I will use a bucket of ice and make it as painful as possible,” she threatened.

“Okay, okay, I get it,” He chuckled, but Webby was not assumed. “I’ll have fun, it’s cool. I can be charming. I bet I can fix all of tonight's problems in no time.” That made Webby laugh.

“I’m sorry Lou, but there are just some things you can’t fix. Besides, we have a schedule. Toasts and food and stuff, remember? Just keep it cool,” Webby reminded.

“Right, keep it cool,” He nodded slowly. Together, Louie and Webby took their seats in the middle of a long table that allowed them to look at the ocean of guests (some that he honestly didn’t recall inviting to the dinner because this was supposed to be smaller than the wedding, but he had let Donald send out the invitations so maybe that was his doing). He had sat down for no more than three seconds when a drunk Dewey stumbled towards him and swung his arm around his brother.

“You know what I love about you bro?” He grinned cheekily.

“Dewey, I swear to god-”

“It’s that you jsut.. you’re so... you so natural. Like no other. Original gangster right here. you lie like legend. I lovvvveeee that,” he said.

“That’s great Dewey. Drink some water,” he handed him a water bottle, which Dewey accepted before Dante swiped it away.

“Uh uh uh! No water til’ 12. We made a deal,” Dante teased.

“A deal?” Louie’s eye twitched as he turned to Dewey.

“Sorry brosef. I’mma gonner,” he kissed his fingers and did a peace sign before running off with Dante. Louie shook his head.

“Guess I’ll just ask Huey to give tonights toast instead of Dewey tonight,” Louie sighed.

“That sounds fair,” Webby nodded along, eating a piece of bread.

“I’ll go tell him. Text me when the food gets here, I’m starving,” Louie stood.

“Good luck. I believe in you,” they shared a brief kiss before Louie found his brother with Violet and Lena in the corner.

“You guys still working on those bets?” he asked snidely.

“What do we look like? Of course,” Huey rolled his eyes.

“What’s the status?” Louie asked.

“Lena has won three, with a total of $25 since the shrimp doesn’t suck, I won one for a total of $5 for Donald only tripping once in the past 5 hours, and Violet is holding the lead with a total of $35 for one bet of Gladstone finding over 10 20 dollar bills today alone. I’m really hoping Dewey leaves his drunk shenanigans to tomorrow because I really need this win,” he whispered that last part to Louie.

“We can hear you, you know that Red? And you’re right. You should be afraid. Be very, very afraid,” Lena smirked.

“Speaking of that, can I borrow fifty dollars?” Huey grinned to Louie.

“No, ask Gladstone if you want money, he always has a lot to spare. I do need to talk to you though,” Louie grabbed his brother’s arm and pulled him aside.

“I need you and Dewey to switch when you’re doing your best man speeches,” he explained.

“Wh-what? Why? It’s not like Dewey is dead, he’s just drunk. He’ll be fiiiiiine,” Huey tried to escape.

“No no, it has to be you Huey. This is our event and Dewey cannot give a speech that hammered,” Louie said.

“My speech isn’t even ready! It’s only one paragraph so far!” Huey pulled out a crumpled and sweaty piece of paper from his suit pocket.

“Bro, I don’t care. If that’s what you have to work with, it’s what you have to work with. If you don’t want to give the speech, sober Dewey before dinner is done,” Louie challenged.

“You and I both know that’s a fool's errand,” Huey scoffed.

“Fine, then give the speech,” he crossed his arms.

“Okay, okay. I’ll fix Dewey,” Huey decided.

“Great, you’re fantastic,” Louie shot finger guns before quickly getting out of there and back to his seat.

“So? How’d he take it?” Webby asked before taking a drink of water.

“He said he’d rather sober up Dewey so I’m letting him,” He grinned at his fiancee.

“You’re insane,” Webby noted.

“Oh, I’m not insane. Just... a visionary on a mission. I did say I could fix all of tonight's problems,” he grinned even more.

“That’s what that was about? Alright, go ahead. I’d like to see how this all turns out,” Webby held back a laugh, but Louie noticed.

“Why? Do you not believe in me?” he questioned.

“Louie, of course, I believe in you. Just not about this,” she quickly took another drink.

“Oh yeah? Bet.”

“Excuse me?” Webby turned her head.

“Bet. If I don’t solve all of tonight's problems then... I won’t wear my favorite hoodie for two whole months. And if I do... you can’t pick all the restaurants we go to on our honeymoon. I’ll at least pick every other night,” he proposed.

“Oooh, that’s intriguing...” She pondered it. “Make it three and we have a deal.”

"What about the schedule?" Louie asked.

"That's on you hon," she raised her hands in the air. Louie considered this deal a moment longer before nodding.

“Fine, it's a deal,” they shook hands.

“You’re so gonna lose,” she smirked at him.

“No, you,” Louie smirked right back. He kissed her on the cheek before running off to who knows where.

“Webbigail, where on earth is Louie running off to?” Beakley asked, appearing to have been just within earshot the whole time.

“To go do the truest of fool's errands; Try to calm down and fix the Duck family.”

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

#ducktales #louie duck #webby vanderquack #loubby #dewey duck #dante canul #my fics #lena de spell #violet saberwing #huey duck #wedding #duck family

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burnedbyshoto · 5 years

Text

if you sent any asks (recommendations for things don’t count as I have to look around!) since october 17 until october 22 it is in here :)

anon said: The header for your askbox response post is *aesthetic*. I think it’s a really good idea to post one every few days if you have the time. ❤️

well, thANK YOUUUUU!!!!! I put in a whopping 10 minutes into it because I had no idea what I was doing! i’ll definitely be doing asks this way now though.

big dick kiri anon said: !!!!!! ILY HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY PLS HYDRATE 💙💙❤️❤️ -bigdickkiri

Omg love! Please don’t worry about kinktober just breathe! Take your time and try to relax 💙❤️- bigdickkiri

DAMN, that is a LOT. Please look after yourself and don't stress about it love!! - bigdickkiri

I'm very excited. BUT PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, DO NOT FORCE ANY OF THIS OMG - bigdickkiri

AHH, AMAZING, TALENTED SWEETHEART, GORGEOUS LOVE, HAVE A INCREDIBLE DAY AND HYDRATE - bigdickkiri

I believe I did have a good day, and I am actually super bad at hydrating, buT ILL TRY TO GET BETTER!!!!

I am breathing!!!! JUSTTT BREATHEEEE!!! I am taking my time now and relaxing to the best of my ability :D thank you so much bdk I love you with all my soul

theres always a lot, but if im not doing a lot I dont do anything so on one hand.... it’s okay LMAO but I will continue to try and not stress :D

BDK I WOULD NEVER WANT TO MAKE YOU THINK IM FORCING THIS OUT OF MEEEE ILL TRY MY BEST TO MAKE YOU PROUD

GHSOGHJIAORGJRGIRAHG YOURE AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TERRIFIC, INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! YOU HYDRATE AND MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU

@bread-theduck said: We love you and support you ❤ dont push yourself, your mental health is so much more important that kinktober haha. Take all the time you need, we're right here and open if you wanna talk~

I don’t really try to push myself... it just happens subconsciously D: but thank you for the love and support!!!! my mental health is stronger than I give it credit though

anon said: listen! we all appreciate you and your writing dearly but! I think we can all agree that we want you to be okay mentally and physically before you make yourself write! kinktober can wait! you’re more important!! at the very least, pls take a break for tonight.

I honestly can’t even remember when i said I was tired, but thank you for your kind words regardless!!!! I am trying to get better at it because i don’t want to disappoint you guys D:

@saintbullet said: Please take care of yourself!!! DONT risk your health for writing. We care about you so much! Be careful 💕💕💕

I know I push myself a lot, and i’m really sorry for scaring you all!!!! I am trying though, and it just has a lot to do with my mental fatigue and that im judging some hard classes right now then it has to do with anything

anon said: hey it'll be alright! idk whats wrong but i promise everything will work out like its supposed to! you just take care of yourself and take as much time as you need to feel better!! we love u!! ♥️

It wAS MY PERIOD I REMEMBER NOW AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOO WITH ALL THE LOVE MY HEART POSSES!!!!!!

anon said: periods can be a pain so pls take care of yourself!! drink lots of water and rest up!!!

my period is the worst, if she was a person i’d block her and avoid her irl!!!!!!!!

anon said: Lol ok so gay for Mina anon back and no, I was not the anon who requested it. But lmao, let me take this time to whole heartedly thank that anon for quenching my thirst anyways

oh whoops, sorry for thinking you were someone else D: iM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU WERE HAPPY WITH IT!!! READER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BAD GUY BUT I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE IT WORK LMAO

anon said: I am just planning on hanging out and reading all the lovely writing that comes from this

i’m pretty sure this is about my nsfw/sfw headcanons, and honestly im sooo very excited to start working on them!!!!!!!!

anon said: you have no idea how happy I got when I saw u posted for mina like UGH MY WIFE I LOVE HER SO MUCH 🥺🥺🥺 N GIVING US GAYS AMAZING CONTENT UR AMAZING MWAH MWAH KEEP BEING THE PERFECT ANGEL U ARE 🥺🥺💞💗💖💕💓💝

AHHHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT MINA IS LIKE MY FAV CLASS 1-A GIRL SO I LOVE HER SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHH YOURE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU AND YOURE AN ANGEL!!!!!!!

many a anons said: Sorry I didn’t see the part where you said not to request characters that were already on the list I thought that was the list of character we could vote for.

so sorry I accidentally sent a character in that has already been requested, Tumblr didn't show me the follow up posts ;;

nooo I didn’t see the list I’m so sorry 😭😭😭

LOL ITS OKAYYYY. y’all were hoes and kept sending me shouto who I couldn’t even think about deleting from my list... so... you are lucky >:(

anon said: hello! not a request here but take care of yourself anc stay hydrated bb 🥰🥰

I got my water right next to me rn bby :D

anon said: be todoroki’s girlfriend

bitch I am todorokis WIFE, why would I need to dress up???

@girl-with-a-mentality said: You can be todoroni for Halloween.

....you right...

anon said: Thirst post infoo ;3 I found a doujinshi of Bakugo being teased and toyed with sexually with by Ochako, Yaomomo, and our lovely momma Mina

...send it

anon said: GIRLLLLLL

ANONNNNNNNNNNNNN ;)

local dumbass anon said: local dumbass is here once again, i thiink you know who i am and might've found my ig buuuuuut..?

uh.... I don’t know???????? I only followed people on insta if you gave me your handle or followed me first.... also did you cut your bangs?

anon said: Your Monoma scenario was really good!If we’re being honest, though, Monoma would literally start foaming at the mouth if he saw anyone from 1-A making physical contact with his s/o, ESPECIALLY Bakugou. They would have to call animal control because there would be a rabid Monoma in the dorms lol

okay... while you’re not wrong, I just thought 18 year old monoma should have grown up just the tiniest bit! plus his obsession is controlled because of his insecurity so LMAO IDK I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE UGH

@awkward-theaterkid said: I was reading your Day 19 Fic but I couldnt take it seriously, the title "My Way" kept reminding me of the Backstreet Boys "I want it that way" and it keeps popping up while I read it 😂

as someone who only heard that song because of b99 I read this and immediately thought of b99 LMAOOOOO

🍒💥anon said: URGENT PSA: LYSSA IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND I LOVE HER -🍒💥

Hello Queen Lyssa, I finally read "And They Were Roommates" and have absolutely no idea why I put it off so long! ITS A MASTERPIECE. Each chapter is addictive and the slow burn and angst destroyed me 😭 The smut in the final chapter is flawless and sooooooooooooooooooo H O T. Shoto wasnt even my favorite character but he might have to be now (or at least in my top 3) 😰 This is my new favorite series and I cant wait to re-read it!!!! YOURE AMAZING AND ILY. You own my soul now -🍒💥

URGENT PSA I LOVE YOU CHERRY EXPLOSION AND YOURE AMAZING :D

ATWR holds a special place in my heart uwu.... HAOGHIOSRGSIOGJSIHG THANK YOU!!!!! SHOUTO IS AN AMAZING CHARACTER WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEARRTTTTTT

~ thank you to @didyoumeanme, @kittenlordofdarkness, @soafers for submitting memes and animal pics for my rommate, much appreciated :D ~

anon said: Did the local dumbass anon ever cut their bangs? Do you know?

....I dont know, but I just asked her rn >:)

this paragraph is dedicated to those surrounding to the meltdown mess that occurred yesterday. to each and every one of you who sent me kind words via my askbox or directly contacting me, thank you. I really want to move past this because I feel by holding on it will make me feel less inclined to write because of my guilt. of course, I do not expect you to forgive me, or trust me in my story of how it went down, because at the end of the day it was my mistake for trusting in someone to write with pure intentions when I didn’t know if she could. im trying to continue on with my best foot forward and im grateful for those of you who trusted in me. I swear I will never push myself again, and that I will instead take my time in order to publish my original work and only my original work and not take anything that comes from a “friend”. know that I love you all, and I dont know how to take it easy so my break lasted a whooping 10 hours, and my blog won’t discontinue until im done with bnha or...I get into medschool which is still 3 years away, I am taking care of myself, im staying hydrated, im trying not to put myself down anymore, I will keep going, & will forever continue to be more careful with what I post. also, no one was really coming for me, so don’t worry if you thought so lol. (to you 9 anons who expressed their kind thoughts to me, thank you. to big dick kiri anon thank you. to @bqkubabey, @flayvus, & @ultimate-shit-poster thank you so so much you really helped me not drown myself in my own guilt.)

anon said: i hope you’re feeling okay today :((

I am feeling a lot better. unfortuantely I did make myself really sick yesterday because ive never been as stressed in my life ever, but im okay now. there’s nothing I can do more for what happened so I will try to continue on as best as I can and I appreciate you caring... ilysm :)

@ikinabi said: Your writing??? Actually god sent 🥵👌 and the way you write Mirio gets me GOING

BAHAHAH NOOOOO ITS NOT PLAFUAOGHJIPRAHAR MY MIRIO PIECE YOU LIKED WAS MY FIRST PIECE ON HIM AND OOO BOY I DID NOT DO HIM JUSTICE

anon said: fuck buddy iida is a thought that has never crossed my mind but now that i’ve seen your post i am intrigued haha

well... it is up :) if you wanna check her out :)

anon said: You dont have to answer if you dont wanna but i just wanna see if your okay. I hope your end your doing well and not stressing.

i’m doing much better than I was yesterday!!! I just needed to rest and calm down and stop attacking myself. thank you for checking in!!! it means so much :,)

#ask lyssa anything #lyssa doesnt shut up #anonymous

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diningpageantry · 5 years

Text

Scales, Fins, and other Fishy Daydreams

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43151156

Chapter 3/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 1553

Chapter Summary: Baz takes Simon's shitpost text a step further, and the outcome ends up spreading a few rumors.

SIMON

bi-sammy: sammy would still fuck huxley if he looked like the fish from shape of water

I grin smugly at my screen, sitting in a dark room with nothing shining but my mobile. The shutters stay shut, and the light from the bottom of the doorway barely filters into the room. It’s just me, this scratchy blanket, and Baz, somewhere else in England on another screen. I absolutely adore that.

gaystrell: why would you say something so controversial yet so brave.jpg

Sometimes, I catch myself smiling. Other times, I elect to ignore how real it feels. It’s weird, given that it feels like I’m just chatting with someone who I see everyday. The casualness of this reminds me of texting Penny in the afternoon on a Thursday.

Except, given the current time, it could be interpreted as more intimate than that of a friend’s text.

8am on a Saturday is usually a time reserved for comfort. For staying warm with someone you care about. Instead, I’m just messaging Baz.

bi-sammy: because im right

bi-sammy: hear me out here ive got a brilliant idea

gaystrell: whoever taught you the definition of a brilliant idea was clearly misleading you

bi-sammy: dont be an arse until youve heard it

bi-sammy: wanker

gaystrell: you’re truly proving your point

bi-sammy: ANYWAY

bi-sammy: shape of water au

bi-sammy: thats all

gaystrell: i’m appalled.

gaystrell: hold on.

I don’t think much of it. Occasionally, he disappears for an hour to two. I don’t bother asking, assuming it’s none of my business, but I do tend to worry a bit. I hope he’s alright.

After clicking off my phone, my head settles against my pillow as my eyes fall shut.

There’s something about this. There’s something about him. It’s a bit hard to pinpoint what it is, but the overwhelming feeling of comfort I have in the notifications I get from him just answering my bullshit is incredibly welcomed. He’s semisweet. I don’t know why I didn’t see it earlier, but he’s a fantastically bitter person.

My head slowly turns over, eyes opening and straining in the darkness.

I hate my empty room.

I hate the absence of comfort--I hate the plainness of these walls.

I want to say I hate my foster dad, but I also feel like I’m not allowed to say that. Not because the system will take me again and throw me back (even though I could have left a year back, if I was still in it). Instead, I feel like I shouldn’t hate him. Theoretically, I should be thankful for what I have. I’m not in a boy’s home, and I haven’t been since I was 11, but the remnants remain. The fights don’t go away, and neither do the weeks of starvation.

Still, I sort of despise living here under Davy.

That’s what he makes me call him. His name. His nickname. Not dad; of course not dad. He’s had me in his care for roughly six years, but he’s still Davy to me.

Shitty fucking Davy, with his strict curfews and practically using me as a housemaid because he’s too cheap to care for himself.

Shitty fucking Davy, not letting me add anything to my room because the day I turn 18, I’m out of here until his next kid (and cheque, apparently) come in. Told me I’d wreck the walls and ruin his furniture if I did put anything on it, too.

So that’s what I’ve got. Blank walls, blank furniture, blank everything. It’s like a jail cell for a bedroom, and everything I’ve got to show for myself is in a backpack and two dresser drawers/

But, at least, I own my mobile.

Every summer job, mixed with odds and ends shit and whatever I can do for my bill. It’s all mine, and Davy can’t fucking touch it.

Maybe that’s why, when I feel it buzz against my chest, it makes me feel more alive. It’s a reminder of all that work just to be able to talk to someone freely.

Arguably, the best feeling in the goddamn world.

I grab it and flip it over. It’s just an email about uni.

Fuck.

I end up scrolling through tumblr for a little while, doing nothing but liking and reblogging a thing here or there. It takes a little while before a little drop down falls from the top of my screen.

gaystrell: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r7Wkwj7MSFk0--DgquHGhYVBbqneEYq0J01t0uMRmxA/edit?usp=sharing

gaystrell: feel the need to apologize before you click the link, but then again, you asked for this hell

When I click on it, it pulls up a doc titled just “crackfic”, and I’m floored with the first sentence alone.

“Fuck my fish ass harder, daddy.”

My hand flies up, covering my mouth as I practically wheeze as quietly as possible. A few paragraphs in and I’m nearly crying into my palm, muffling my laughter as I read through pages upon pages of the most ridiculous fic I’ve ever laid my eyes upon.

I check the word count out of pure curiosity, and it somehow makes me laugh harder.

bi-sammy: holy fucking shit

bi-sammy: i swear to god if you don’t post that i will

gaystrell: already in the process of making the archive post

gaystrell: i seriously believe you underestimate my sincere ability to be the biggest dick on the street

bi-sammy: i dont know whether or not u meant that as ur literal dick or the big dick energy in making that a post but id probably agree with you in both

bi-sammy: tag me in the post pls i want to be the first to reblog it

gaystrell: you’re a ridiculous, sad, little man

gaystrell: of course i’ll tag you

Within minutes, it’s uploaded with the absolute worst slew of Archive tags attached to it, and as soon as he tags me in his post, I tap the notification.

Scales, Fins, and other Fishy Daydreams

Word Count: 3,192

Summary: Fish!Huxley and Sam get it on Shape of Water style

@bi-sammy this is your fault (you're welcome)

I immediately slam like and pull up reblog, rapidly typing out my response before posting.

absolute madman. cant believe youve done this. i trust you with my entire life.

As usual, he's quick to reblog back.

anything for the absolute pain in my life x

Smiling shamelessly, I ride on the moment's high as our conversation stays out in the world. I quite enjoy this version of his softness. The public, taunting replies to mine. In all this time of following him, I can't really recall him ever being this friendly with anyone but me.

Makes me feel special. Maybe too much so.

BAZ

The jarring shock of the seemingly endless notifications rattles me momentarily speechless.

It isn't even 15 minutes after I'd replied to Snow and there's already a few people reblogging it with comments about him and I. A quick “i ship y'all’ to “powermove of the century”. Each make me flush deeper as the replies flood in.

If I were to be practical, I'm aware that I shouldn't be so flustered over the concept of us being a couple. It's most likely my overactive, sad, lonely imagination, but the idea of being loved just makes me blush. Especially since it's someone who doesn't seem to absolutely loathe me.

gaystrell: are you reading these?

bi-sammy: the what?

bi-sammy: i have. nothing to read. i cant read.

gaystrell: use your two remaining brain cells look at the notes for the crackfic

bi-sammy: holy shit

bi-sammy: im cackling

A notification pops up, making me snort this time. I pull up the post and send it off to him without a second thought.

gaystrell: sent a post

gaystrell: “sounds like something huxley would do for sam”

bi-sammy: stop im gonna piss myself shits too fucking funny

I pull it back up, scrolling down to reblog and adding a quick reply that, in all honesty, I should have thought out more. Secretly, part of me is glad that I sent it.

huxley wishes he was this smooth ;)

Within seconds, replies flood in from everywhere. From jokes about Snow and I possibly dating to the concept of Huxley writing (purposefully) shitty homoerotica about himself as a fishman. I quite like the conversation about the latter, while the former makes my chest knot in ways inexplicable.

Going through the notes makes me smile, even if it's mildly embarrassing. The amount of times I've seen the eyes emoji used is definitely excessive, but still somewhat welcomed.

Even my archive has a few comments already, although more based around the fic itself. More ironically, though, is the one person who probably took it seriously and just commented, “Nice fic!” I love the abundance of shameless appreciation for obscure fanfiction in the depths of this community.

Snow's messages roll down my mobile screen as I'm checking the comments, continuously replacing the previous message for the top slot.

bi-sammy: mate

bi-sammy: i love you

bi-sammy: also every time you reblog something of mine i get like 5 followers

bi-sammy: if you mention me i get 10

bi-sammy: youre???????????? a god????????

bi-sammy: can i marry you????????????

I slowly close my laptop, eyes on my phone with an absolutely gleeful grin.

gaystrell: when and where?

#carry on #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #mine #it's a handheld disaster #snowbaz #simon snow #tyrannus basilton grimm-pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #baz pitch #simon #baz

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livlepretre · 5 years

Note

Do you have a list of your tvd ships anywhere? (I LOVE your klaulena and fte's tylena and stebekah \o/)

OH NO I thought I had responded to this already!!! This is what I get for multi-tasking TOO! MUCH!

I don’t have a list, but that sounds like a brilliant idea, so how about I make one right here right now?

Stelena and Delena – I put these together because my feelings on them are so interwoven– I’m unashamedly all about this love triangle– way back when season 1 was airing, I was a huge delena shipper, but then at some point in season 2 I realized that I was ALSO really invested in stelena… and the thing is, even though I really wanted delena to happen… I didn’t want to lose stelena. I was always a little disappointed that the show dropped stelena so hard once delena happened. Like, my feeling on it is I like these ships best when they are in conflict with each other. Not sure I really ship this as an ot3, although I’ve read some truly phenomenal fic for that and there is a lot about Stefan and Damon’s relationship to be parsed out by the potential for them all 3 to find some balance with each other, but I definitely definitely am here for these 2 ships in a really big way. Like, FE wasn’t supposed to be a stelena fic at all, and I only realized once I really got into writing it that it just was. Elena’s love for these two is just so incredibly intrinsic to who she is.

Klena/Klaulena – (why didn’t we ever settle on a ship name???) If you’re reading this, you probably already know this is my OTP. Maybe my OTP of OTPs, since it’s continued to interest and inspire my writing for like 8 years now. Just. How to even put all of this in a short paragraph. There’s something really fascinating to me about how they both play into each other’s psyches as these larger than life forces– Klaus for Elena is like this descending doom, this inevitability, this force of nature she can’t stop, or even run from, she just has to stand and face it, and the pressure that puts on her is really how she learns who she really is, and what she is really willing to do. I think Elena found out so much of who she is when her soul is scraped down to the very bottom from Klaus’s bearing down on her. She learned she was a force of nature herself. And for Klaus, Elena is this idea he’s been fixating on for a millennium. Because don’t tell me he wasn’t still fixated on her even after he thought there would be no more Petrovas. Because he totally was. And I think she excites but also frightens him– I mean, she’s got the face of his dead beloved, and there’s got to be something faintly unnatural and therefore unnerving about her. But also, there are great themes about fate– that they had this written in the stars kind of destiny, that was dark and terrifying and brutal, that they fulfilled together (I’ve always felt like there would be this subconscious part of Elena that would have yearned to fulfill her part, even though it was totally messed up and she died doing it)– and there is fantastic imagery– fire, water, how much better does it get? – and their chemistry is INSANE. Like, I think I jumped on board this ship a month before Joseph Morgan even stepped on camera, but by the end of the season I’d tossed out everything else I was doing and that was that. UGH and their power dynamics? Wild. You don’t get quality content like this every day, people! I could write a thesis about this ship.

Rebekah/Stefan – the ship I wish had sailed much more prominently than it ever did. I was really really really into this, and fascinated by the idea that Stefan could have his memories be restored and be in love with someone else, for real, and I was super interested in the drama and just emotional turmoil that would have stirred up. I was always disappointed by the show kind of brushing stebekah under the rug– I really felt like this is the great love story we never got.

Rebekah/Elena – the ship with all! the! potential! don’t even get me started. I really really really enjoy how they have both the capacity to be incredibly sympathetic to each other, and actually seem to really like each other and get along well… except that ELENA is the one who can’t help but backstab (literally) and Rebekah, who always lashes out in the worst possible way, responds by like… trying to light Elena on fire. It just has always intrigued me that Elena, the human, is the one who behaves more monstrously, when you would expect it to be Rebekah. I just am really super interested in their dynamic, which is both kind of sad and also really hot, and wish (again!) that we’d gotten something here. I have a few Becklena fics that I pray will someday see the light of day.

Elejah – how could I forget this gem? my original doppelganger x original ship. I think I fell in love with this ship around the time we got that great deal getting brokered in Elena’s bedroom. DEFINITELY by the time she daggered him in The Dinner Party. There was always a sense of menace and top tier creep just simmering below the surface, that appealed to my horror-romance loving heart.

Katherine/Elena – this one is kind of weird because I don’t quite ship it romantically– more like, I think there is a TON of interesting stuff to unpack about both of the doppelgangers that can be gleaned from shipping them, and a lot of imagery with mirrors and reflections and things getting warped as fuck that I really really really adore. It’s probably feels too narcissistic to me to ship them romantically, since I really think they are the same girl nature-wise with very different upbringings resulting in their apparent personality differences… but like, I do still ship them as an idea, and of course, sexually, with each other. Idk this is almost more like a character study/idea ship than an “I want them to be in love” ship.

Marcel/Elena – oops I might have invented this but what’s done is done

Tyler/Elena – this was always supposed to be part of FE, but I think I actually convinced myself of this ship while writing FE, like, the more I thought about it the more sure of it I was. Tyler’s always been one of my absolute favorites– swear to God he sometimes feels like my viewer insert because he says the stuff I’m thinking ALL the time– and I have this headcanon that he’s super misunderstood, but someone like Elena, who’s known him her whole life, knows the real Tyler, and sees past all of that– and likewise, Tyler can see through Elena’s smoke mirrors, which are AMPLE. There’s just so much potential for tenderness and sincerity and he saved her at the end of season 3 because of course he did, of course Tyler would jump in like that for her, she’s Elena Gilbert, he’s known her his whole life.

Almost all of these are Elena-centric, which… is just sort of how I operate.

I do low-key ship these though:

Team Forwood– ah, the good old days. I really felt like this ship got shunted for Caroline’s other big ship, but c’est la vie.

Jeremy/Tyler – two misunderstood boys angsting over line art also the chemistry

Katherine/Damon/Stefan – umm Memory Lane is my favorite episode it is what it is

Rebekah/Klaus and Klaus/Stefan and Klaus/Rebekah/Stefan – I don’t even headcanon this I’ll straight out tell you that all of these things are canon – have you seen the promo image for season 3? Klaus is clearly the interloper in the established love triangle, whispering in Stefan’s ear/seducing him – I don’t really think these ship configurations can be untangled from each other though, at least not in canon

#anonymous #my tvd ships

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class-wom · 5 years

Text

Legion Chapter 23 “Morning After”-Thoughts – SPOILERS!!!

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SPOILER TERRITORY

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Hello, my Snoopies!!! 😁

(Although I would like to think of myself as more of a Garfield than a Snoopy, lol, but I digress! 🤣 )

1) Wow -- Kerry pretty much used her metaphorical samurai sword to sever this viewer’s metaphorical jugular right off the bat with her lamenting “I miss having fun!” The S1 Summerland Gang literally against the world? heck yeah -- so do I, Ker! so do I!

2) Nice to see that Syd is finally softening at least slightly where David is concerned, noting that falling in love is “worth it” and that he’s “unstable” but “has powers” and is “magic.” Well, hey, you gotta start somewhere! Also, considering how badly Syd’s encounter with “Syd-from-the-Past” ended, perhaps she’ll look back at her Chapter 19 “Maybe I trust myself more”-jab at David and her unswerving faith in her future self with extreme regret and reshape her position before causing any more irreparable damage to David’s psyche...and, by default, literally the world!!!

3) Okay, so keeping track of whether Farouk is a “good guy” or a “bad guy”: We’ve reached the halfway-mark of the season, and we’re literally two-for-two, where Chapters 21 and 22 have him as a classic slimy baddie and Chapters 20 and 23 have him as a “not-quite-that-bad guy.” Nope, not a hero -- Sorry, Amahl, I don’t give a flip what you say! You’re 2,000 years old, so you should know a lot better, and you should have a few cultures and such under your belt by now! That’s the break I’m giving David and not you -- he is, as you pointed out in Chapter 11, young and inexperienced, and while I’m still hoping he’ll get a point in the right direction eventually, he’s flailing about, hence my constant passes with him. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

4) That being said, okay, we have the whole “corrupting power”-thing, which does kind of bug me a little. As with Chapters 7 and 15, it was ultimately David who finally defeated the time eaters once and for all, the most awesome (imo, anyway) moment being his utilizing his multiple personalities to get the job done. I like his efficiency here and, while on the one hand feel he deserves at least a little credit for solving a problem he intentionally or otherwise created, on the other, I really wish he could do it without completely succumbing to corruption and making such declarations as “I am God!” (Can we please remember that, at least to a degree, this seed was planted by Farouk himself in Chapter 10 -- “bigger than Jesus” -- and perhaps even earlier? One of the many reasons that Farouk will never be a hero at his absolute best as far as I’m concerned. And oh yeah, that other problem that David has? using his powers to literally create his own reality? another seed planted by Farouk via Chapters 10 and 14 -- ‘nuff said.) Speaking for myself and perhaps others, I do like to root for my protagonists, and part of the battle is not only defeating the baddies but defeating personal demons in the process. (The climax of Return of the Jedi with Luke, Darth, and the Emperor comes to mind as an example of this.) David does just fine with the former, but I’m still hoping he’ll find someone who can help him learn the latter somehow. (Just pleeeeeeze anyone but Farouk, unless he actually apologizes for that whole “Bigger than Jesus” thing and the whole Amy-thing from Chapter 13!!! but I’m not holding my breath!)

5) So if I understand this correctly, the time eaters have the capability of feeding on fears, at least where David and Syd are concerned. And what I learned is that, in a twisted fashion (true to the nature of this show, lol), they essentially share the same fear: Being overpowered and losing control, physically and sexually in Syd’s case, literal incarceration in David’s. (Yeah, D3 -- way to go with that S2 Finale “trial” for the upteenth time, especially since a nice chunk of his life has already been spent in incarceration of one form or another, but I digress!) With regard to the latter, we did learn a thing or two about his maternal side, that he comes from a family of gypsies, among other things. (With that in mind, that really had to hurt poor Gabs!) We also saw that Gabrielle has accepted the idea of being crazy and/or incarceration and he has a ways to go; cannot say enough about what DS did with this scene as an actor, sorry not sorry. (Thinking back to Chapter 22, after seeing Gabs in her cell in a striped ensemble and head covering, should I be concerned that she’s dressed Baby Davey in a similar fashion and placed him in a barred crib, or am I overthinking this yet again? I know how Noah loves his “See what I did there?”-visuals.) Also, as a viewer, with regards to the opening, loved the idea of his mother singing to him as a baby and passing on her heritage in that fashion. No wonder he was noticeably irate at Lenny for yanking him out of that moment -- I’d be a little hacked myself!

6) Giving the benefit of the doubt, I also think that both David and Syd are in extreme denial of their frailties: If David is clearly in denial and refuses to accept being hurt and/or acknowledging his mental issues (and yes, I can see that), then Syd is in denial over the idea of her pain being armor and making her invincible, as she oh-so-confidently declared to him in her Chapter 12 igloo. (Then again, this was pre-Chapter 13 for David and pre-Chapter 19 for Syd, so as far as either was concerned, all was well psychologically and emotionally, and neither had faced any major tests. I’d rather not talk just yet as to how either is passing said test thus far, tbh!) I dunno, maybe the idea is that, yeah, she wants to protect herself. Like David, however, she is literally her own worst enemy in that she does want and crave that intimacy and vulnerability, hence the reason she finally opens up to that literal embrace of her younger self. I guess I don’t mind seeing that, but if I’m supposed to root for David to finally accept his frailties and consequences and for once be honest with himself, then I would like Syd to be honest with herself rather than to justify her own bad behavior for the upteenth time. Otherwise, neither will be worth a darn by curtain’s fall! I said it before, and I’ll say it again: If we’re expecting David to do this, we should bear in mind that he has had a lot of poor examples to follow, so we shouldn’t be so terribly shocked at his lack of a sense of responsibility when he’s surrounded by so many excusing and justifying their own positions, including self-proclaimed parasitical “father figure.” I’m just sayin’...

7) If someone says “Love means giving him the power to hurt you,” I swear I’ll lose what crap I have yet to lose thus far! OTOH, if the person in question just happens to be Farouk, that might be kind of fun shade to throw in a certain direction! 😈

8) The more I think of it, the more I feel the need to devote yet another paragraph to David vs. the Time Eaters, because imo, while decidedly imperfect (as noted in 4), it was so emotionally and ironically satisfying. I found myself mentally cheering the same way I did when he broke out of his mental prison in Chapter 7 and splattered the “demon-chicken” in Chapter 15, and for the same reason: Something finally was accomplished!!! Megalomania and twisted motives aside, if this action doesn’t make him a hero per se, it at least makes him an antihero, and hey, he did find a way of solving his own problem, which provides a sort of hope that perhaps he could eventually figure things out on a more personal scale one way or another with the proper guide. The issue I’m having here is that both Syd and SK see themselves as “heroes,” and if they are indeed...um, hello, did either do anything to proactively stop the problem? heck no -- SK is like, “Yeah, I know what’s going on, but whatever, we’re just gonna have to wait it out” (hey, D3 -- did you sign this creep up just to “wait it out”? seriously!) and led Clark and Kerry to that In-Between place or whatever for whatever reason (these scenes got even older than Farouk himself!) while Syd just got drunk and wallowed in her own victimhood, a la Chapter 16. (Okay, fine, you’re still struggling with that, and you’re not quite sure how to handle that whole Time Warp Crisis thing, but instead of trying to figure the latter out on your own and be the hero as which you see yourself, yeah, look up your younger self and tie one one on board a nice luxury jet. Meanwhile, your ex is in a freaking gulag, by his own making or otherwise, and I‘m sure he would have loved a sip or two of his own blue joy juice!) But in a sense, David took a type of responsibility, ultimately rejecting the visions of imprisonment and finding a way to finally defeat the Time Eaters and solve the freaking problem!!! Just my take on it, at least -- actions speak louder than words and all that jazz.

9) Giving credit where it’s due, Lenny deserves a shout-out for lighting the burr under David’s saddle to take some action and solve the time-eating problem.

Anyway, just a few thoughts.

#Legion #Chapter 23 #Spoilers

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the-pen-and-the-stethoscope · 5 years

Text

my official, uninterrupted, unapologetic thoughts on the album Lover by Taylor Swift as i listen in its entirety at 6:30 am on Friday morning after working until 10 pm the night before.

Before I start I am already emotional. my hands are sweating. my heart is pounding. are those tears in my eyes or am i exhausted? idk. ok here we go...

1) fuck yes. snaps. love a song with snaps. A BEAUTIFUL BREAKUP SONG ABOUT HOW YOU JUST DONT EFING CARE ANYMORE. ahhh i love how there is like this build up and you think it’s going to be a headbanger of a chorus but then it just stops and it’s like...oh wait actually this is v calm right now i just dont care about you anymore. but also OMG SHE JUST LAUGHED ummm also I love how upbeat this is. i guess what im saying is that WANEGBT walked so I Forgot That You Existed could run.

2) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. this song will always bring me back to being on an airplane flying to Peru because it is literally the only song I listened for my entire trip to Peru last spring. but also from the moment it came out I was obsessed with the unapologetic happiness in the song and it’s all about YOURSELF. WAIT WTF WHERE’S THE SPELLING LINE THATS MY FAVORITE TO YELL????? TAYLOR WHERE IS IT??? WHERE IS IT??? i’ll be taking this up with my lawyers. your people will hear from my people.

3) well i just went back to my spotify and REALIZED THAT IT WAS ON FUCKING SHUFFLE FUCK ME. OK WE ARE STARTING AGAIN.

1) SECOND LISTEN THOUGHTS ON IFTYE: this song is just the perfect beat. i just realized that she laughs TWICE actually (maybe more??) and this is my official petition that she laughs during all live performances. thanks.

2) OMG REP VIBES WITH THAT LOW BASE SYNTH. oh wow I love this transition much more than the one to ME! I’m glad that was on shuffle the first time. This literally could be a REP song. GETAWAY CAR THAT’S WHAT IT REMINDS ME OF! OH. MY. GOD. WELL THANKS FOR PUTTING A REP SONG ON LOVER OK IM NOT OK. did she just say “loving you aint the worst thing...you are the worst!”? Idk I will evaluate the lyrics a second (third...fourth...fifth...) time.

3) AHHHH LOVER OMG OK LET ME JUST STARE AT MY CEILING FOR THIS ONE. “Swear to take this magnetic force of a man” is up there on favorite tswift lines. cant decide if i want this to my first dance song at my wedding OR the song that plays near the end of the reception when everyone is tired and like all the couples come up and dance and so then it’s like you get to see how many people are in love OR the song that i save for afterwards when we are alone in our hotel room. good to know i’ve got options.

4) god damn HERE WE GO WITH SOME REP VIBES. (to clarify any deep base pulsating beat is rep vibes to me apparently) lyrics: “they’d say I played the field before I found someone to commit to” “every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you” “they wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve” “I’D BE JUST LIKE LEO” GOD THIS IS AMAZING I’M OBSESSED. “If I was a man I’d be THE MAN”

5) OMG THE ARCHER. WAS LISTENING TO THIS LAST NIGHT AND THINKING LIKE....THIS MIGHT BE FAVORITE ONE????? I KNOW SO SO EARLY BUT SO FAR IT HOLDS UP IT’S JUST LIKE....THAT SLOW BUILD I LOVE IT. EVERY TIME I LISTEN THERE IS A DIFFERENT MEANING. AMAZING SONG TO RUN TO LIKE ON REPEAT. WHICH IS HARD TO FIND. PROBABLY HARDER TO MAKE. I STAN.

6) THERE YA GO MISS SWIFT WITH THE SNAPS AGAIN. ohhh hmmmm someone’s horneyyyyy this song feels like a whisper...like you’re at a bar and you are like pointing out this hot guy you’ve been seeing around and you whisper to your friend ‘that’s the one’. OMG BRIDGE. WAIT WHAT OMG WAIT OMG WHAT BRIDGE BRIDGE BRIDGEEEEEE. well okay I kinda feel like a huge wind just knocked me off my feet. i’m slightly stunned. no time to process before...

7) OMG TALK ABOUT REP VIBES. This could be a beautiful music video. This is like -- i have a lot of feelings none of them have words but this song has a BLACK vibe and a DARK vibe and i’m picturing a high school shrouded in clouds at night. running through the hallways in a ripped dress. Wow wow wow.

8) oh good some happy songs again. ahhhhhhhhh now THIS I CAN DANCE TO. AHHHHHHHHHHH I’M IN LOOVE. this is so freaking romantic. OH ANOTHER BRIDGE FROM BRIDGE CITY. Taylor like you brought it with these bridges girl. OMG THE SLOW FADE AWAY AT THE END...SOBBING.....

9) THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS IS I’M ONLY HALFWAY DONE. Oh wow is this song going to make me cry? just obsessed with how etherial this is. wow omg this is like the most complex love story ever written in a song ever. so many twists and turns i’m just sitting here asking questions!!! What happened on cornelia street that you dont want it again? why did you pack your bags? OH YAY HE GOT YOU TO COME BACK. OMG DOES EVERYONE HEAR THAT THUNDER EFFECT IN THE BACKGROUND???? omg wait omg that last line!? I will be listening to this A LOT.

10) I feel like taylor’s got a lot of happy sounding songs that are breakup songs and a lot of sad sounding songs that are actually about being in love on this album it’s so interesting!!! like this is a breakup song and wow everything about it is upbeat and pop-y. “trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up” (I FEEL THIS SO HARD WOW). love the boarded up house metaphors and like just everything else i CANT THINK FAST ENOUGH god idk why I committed to writing all my thoughts....

11) OMG SOMEONE WAS TALKING. ahhhhh she loves all these American things but she LOVES A LONDON BOY. “I GUESS ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE” power move!!!!! ASLDJALKDFLKJAGL;KADSLASDFLKASDFLKJ AS SOMEONE WHO LIVED IN AND FELL IN LOVE WITH THE CITY OF LONDON I’M JUST LOVING THAT THIS IS BASICALLY A LOVE SONG TO LONDON. FORGET THE BOY. ALL THESE LONDON REFERENCES ARE KILLING ME. (did she just name drop stella mccartney???? I HEARD THAT OKAY!?)

12) DIXIE CHICKS. IT’S A COUNTRY SONG I CAN ALREADY TELL. THE STRUMMING GUITAR. I’M DYING. wait is this about her mom???? ok well i’m crying.........wow so so so so so beautiful and soft and hopeful.

13) FIDDLEEEEEEEE oh short lived but omg that was exciting for a moment i thought we were gunna get a crazy country song. This is a good transition....the way this song starts soft and slow and doesn’t come in swinging feels appropriate after Soon You’ll Get Better. WOW. “Religion is your lips....the alter is my hips....” SEX. I’m glad this is not a country song. wow my head was in an odd place that will be weird to come back to after knowing what this song actually is about (it’s about sex)

14) YAS YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. (it’s 7:40 am but we could have had greatnesssss) THIS SONG SERIOUSLY SLAPS. GOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH. also true story - for like the first week after it came out I SWEAR I thought there was a lyric at some point that said “you’re freaking me out” and like I still think that one of the lyrics SHOULD be that so like I know I’m not a seven time Grammy award winging singer/song writer but like taylor can we change that? can we? MY ONLY COMPLAINT ABOUT THIS SONG IS THAT IT NEEDS TO BE AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES LONGER.

15) ahhhhhhh omg shes like learning about holding onto love and not picking fights and growing through difficulty and not blowing up. (I’ve run out of ways to say omg this is amazing and i’m obsessed). but this is like a GREAT ballad.

16) BACK TO MEEEEEEEE I like it a lot better here phew thank god we were on shuffle before. I wanted the DJ to play this song at my friend’s wedding back in May (OMG NO MORE SPELLING LINE AHHHH) and they like wouldn’t??? so weird. I honestly think this is a self love song but also an amazing romantic love song and I think it belongs in a wedding playlist.

17) omg so cute...little best friend love. also i love how simple this song is. no big production. we are back to basics and child hood. AHH HORNS. I thought this song was going to be like TIWWCHNT but its just purely wholesome!!! She’s serious - it’s nice to have a friend! I agree!

18) LAST SONG AND ITS ALMOST FIVE MIN LONG MY BODY IS READY. This is just classic classic taylor swift and an amazing way to end the album. it’s like the conclusion paragraph of an essay on how she’s happy and content and in love with not just her lover but herself. the world used to be harsh, but now it’s just daylight. (another bridge city - just fyi - for those listening at home that’s where you are now) SHE IS SO HAPPY. “Step into the daylight and let it go” OMG SHES TALKING!!!!! WHERE IS THIS FROM??? IS THIS AN INTERVIEW OR IS IT NEW OMG WAIT WASN’T EXPECTING THAT ENDING WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW

OKAY FRIENDS THAT WAS IT I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS AND NOW I NEED TO LISTEN AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVER AND ALWAYS. THANK YOU @taylorswift (@taylornation ) FOR TRUSTING US WITH SUCH A MAGICAL JOURNEY.

#TAYLOR SWIFT #HUNNAY #WE NEED TO TALK #LOVER #I'M OBSESSED #taylor nation #taylor swift lover

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louandhazaf · 5 years

Note

Hiiiiii so in your answer to the anon about the marold harold fic you said you could talk about our process a lot. So. I would like you to do that. POV SWITCH our writing process. I’m really curious because you obviously know me and my writing best. And you’re excellent at putting things like that into words I can understand. (Me: Words! On! A! Screen! Happy! Letters! Typing! You: I really love this symbolism.) Also I thought this would be distracting if you needed it because work is lame! 💙💚

Hiiiiiii 💙💚

Okay, So…… (OMG THIS IS SO LONG. SORRY!!!)

I think our process normally starts with you going like I think I might have an idea for a fic. And I’m like

TELL ME MORE.

And then you tell me the vague idea and I’m either like YES YES YES GO START NOW or else I’m like hmmmmm WHAT ABOUT….. and offer small changes or additions or flag what might be a problem off the bat OR OH OH OH YES AND ALSO… and then I go off a tangent about what could happen and what I’d like to see. These convos are normally a lot of all caps screaming from my point.

Recently, you’ve been sending me an outline if you’re doing one, otherwise you’re off to the races. I really do not understand how you write so quickly, but that is something I will probably never learn how to do so it’s FINE. And I’m not at all jealous. So then a few hours later you’re like I HAVE 6k! and i’m like…. I’m still drinking my morning coffee.

BUT THEN THE BEST THING HAPPENS AND YOU SHARE YOUR GOOGLE DOC WITH ME!

And recently I haven’t really started to beta at that point. I basically read through it and curse the emoji gods that there are no cheerleader emojis and comment in the doc/yell at you on whatsapp everything I love about it. Or, if there’s too much that I love, then I’m just like IT’S ALL AMAZING KEEP GOING.

Basically, I am doing everything at this point to keep you writing because I want to keep reading and also I don’t want to interrupt you in any way that might make you stall and doubt yourself. This includes me ignoring somethings that don’t fully make sense or that I want mooooooore feeeeeeelings about or things needing to be reworded or less confusing or less boring or WHATEVER. I am ignoring all the things that need to be fixed and just focusing on a the good.

So while this is happening…

We generally talk a lot on WhatApp about what’s going to happen next and talk through plot points and gasp when a new idea hits. This bit in particular is very exciting because I know how much everyone loves your fics and it’s like getting a sneak peek both at the work and how your brain works and knowing that everyone is going to love it when you finally post it is a really fun feeling. I also really really like figuring out bigger picture stuff with you? Like how point A at the beginning can connect to point B later. Or, talking through how things work when you’re just a human, living. Like, if Harry is sad at some point, then seeing if it can be slightly more complicated and nuanced. Like, he might be sad, but he might also be confused and angry and a little bit hungry and all of that should be fleshed out a bit. Basically figuring out all the structural stuff.

I think we bounce a lot of ‘oooooh what if…’ type sentences and talk about how that impacts things and what all that would change and you’re always so open-minded and ready to discuss any possibility and that’s super cool. GOSH WE TALK SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU. This is also when IRL stuff sometimes sneaks in. Liiiiiiike if you’re, ahem, writing a fic about getting off on the subway and I’m like OMG THIS IS THE WORST AND I WOULD HATE HATE HATE IF I SAW THIS IN REAL LIFE AND OMG UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOO I’M NOT SURE I CAN BETA THIS FOR YOU and then there’s a discussion about how they could do it so that it was a little more private and they’re aware of that fact and they’re trying to have a fantasy moment while also realizing that they’re in a real situation. AND THEN IT’S SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING AND YES I WANT TO BETA THAT SO MUCH.

Then, eventually, you/we hit a point where you/we feel fully confident that the fic will at some point be finished (or, sometimes, that you’ve hit a major major wall and I should read closer to figure out what’s wrong) and that I should start to actually beta.

THIS PART IS ALSO SO FUN FOR ME!

Because this is when I get to go in and yes, check things like spelling and punctuation, but also take a closer look at how everything fits together? Like, it’s one thing for us to talk about Vampire!Harry falling off his bike and down a mountainside and getting hurt and that might be all good and fine in concept, but then when I read what is actually there, like, I can question things like, “yeah, i’m…. is he dying from a broken arm?” BECAUSE HE’S A HUNDREDS-YEAR OLD VAMPIRE WHO CAN SELF HEAL or if things are written maybe a little to quickly and summarize-y I can be like ‘WAIT. I don’t understand how they got from a to b without anyone talking about x’ OR WHATEVER THE PROBLEM IS.

Like, just helping to ensure that what we talked about and what you want to happen is all clear and makes sense and the reader won’t be pulled out of the story for any reason.

You’re also very wordy so this is where I can be like, OH, These first 20 pages could probably be condensed into 3 if you structure it a little differently OR your story actually starts on page 9 so you can cut the first 8 pages probably OR you’re taking three whole paragraph to say that he made bread when that can be a single sentence.

THIS BIT IS HARD sometimes because generally I think you just have a lot more details in your fics than I do? Like, in my own writing I’ll be like, “Harry left the house.” and you’re like, “Harry pulled on his purple supras, grabbed the keys from the hook next to the door, double checked the door was locked, winked at Louis through the window, and walked out to lime green Camero parked on the corner.” NEITHER ONE IS WRONG, so it’s a lot of judgement calls. Sometimes I let it go because all that detail is important about learning who Harry is or helps with pacing or whatever but sometimes I’m like, ‘I’m not sure this is important. Can we talk about this? We already know he wears purple supras because of x and maybe you can cut this bit.’ Like, I think one of the hardest things about being a beta is knowing that everyone has their own writing style and working to support their style and not just being like I WOULD DO IT THIS WAY.

Sometimes you just accept all my changes and sometimes you’re like WAIT I want this because.... and then we talk more! At the end of the day these are YOUR fics with YOUR name attached and what you feel about things should have more weight and should be the final decision, obviously, but I love love love helping make your fics as great as possible and I’m always so fucking proud when you get the reception you deserve.

OMG TALK ABOUT BEING WORDY I SWEAR I’M WRAPPING THIS UP.

This is all super general too! Like every fic is different and something like a 100k+ word Marold Harold is going to take a few rounds of betaing because from your first to second drafts there are so many changes and I really want to get it right. And it feels so important. But something like a quick 3k small penis fic that is less complicated I might just do some cheerleading and make sure your periods are in the right places and give my seal of approval because there’s just less to piece together and the emotions and plot and everything are a lot simpler.

SO if anyone wants specifics about specific fics I’m happy to do that too but OMG I’ve got to post this before I keep writing for hours and hours instead of my writing my big bang fic.

#fullonlarriemainblog #nic answers stuff #that beta life #I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THIS WHAT YOU WANTED #but here you go

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gotoveritstillloveyou · 3 years

Text

Aight, so, I'm about to just fucking eviscerate myself, and I need to say some shit before I do so. In fact, the next several chapters is gonna be all dark negative shit about you and me and life and our problems. I decided to save all the cool weird shit till the end.

First of all you can't take this wrong way. This chapter is dedicated to me just saying all the things I did wrong, without any explanation unless it's absolutely required, and I'm bout to just go the fuck off on myself. It's basically a list of horrible memories and reasons to hate me. But look, everyone does bad shit, some more than others, some worse than others. Not everybody does what I'm writing though. I'm about to acknowledge my awareness of what was wrong about me, validate how it affected us, and own up to it.

In general I write and work on all the mistakes of my past and when I work on this specific project I work on all the problems we had and ways we hurt each other. That's not the whole picture. All day long all the time, I think about all our good memories and how special and great you are, that's what keeps me going. And then I gotta find answers and solutions. Those answers are hidden within the problems, and they are the things that are broken.

There are a lot of reasons I did all these things. So much of it was out of my control and just hurt me as much as it hurt anyone else. I didn't want to be feeling or acting or being like this. Some of its not like that though, some of these are just me. Just me being an asshole or me just sucking. There's no explanation or justification to any of this, but there are reasons, and those reasons do not buy any forgiveness, but at least, for the both of us, we can at least see I was truly not some psychotic asshole evil person at heart. But I'm not writing about those reasons here. I'm gonna attempt to just flat out say this shit.

That's the last couple things to keep in mind. It's one of the reasons I have chosen to continue living, these are not the things of my heart. Deep down in my heart I feel like I never skipped a beat. I have always been good in my heart. That was hard for me to accept honestly. That's how I'm trying to live my life now. None of these things truly came from my heart, they came from my ego, my pain, my stupidity, and just how I was almost forced to respond to life. I was created by my environment and I just took the worst path. I could've been forged by the fire but instead I burned.

This is the first point of order but also kinda part of the preamble. My stupidity. That is one thing that really ties this whole story together, extends from beginning to end. I'm just fucking stupid. The things I've done and the thoughts in my head and all of that, just stupid. Even now that I finally truly understand myself, and realize not everything was just a stupid mistake, but see how I slipped up, or I was misled, or reality was warped, or my mind played games on itself, or things weren't in my control, I still just feel stupid. I feel like while almost everything had a point of origin, had a long backstory, and had a set of circumstances leading it to happen, 99% of it could ALSO at the same time be explained with one thing: I'm fucking stupid. So much of this shit I think about, like this whole books worth of shit, was right in front of my fucking face and super obviously and blatant and self explanatory, yet I can see the reasons my mind missed it, but still, I'm like God DAMN what a fucking DUMBASS. I can see what led to my mistakes, that maybe they had good intentions, that maybe my failures were true attempts but failed for different reasons, and I look at my mistakes and I'm like holy shit what a fucking mouth breather. The things I've discovered and realized about you, they were really obvious at the time. Like in my mind as I discover them, it feels like I have unveiled some hidden secret and removed some illusion and found a deeper truth. Which often is truly the case. But about half of that? When I write it down in words. I'm like holy fuck what a tardo. It's like writing down "The sky is blue". And I'm still fucking stupid. I'm just stupid. I'm maybe less stupid than I was because I'm not all fucked up now, but looking back and seeing how stupid I was, that's the one thing I can't confidently say that I've fixed, I look back and see someone so fucking dumb that it's a joke to ever believe they could be less dumb. I'll get into this in the paranormal chapter, but I dont call myself a wizard for weirdo reasons, it truly is the one archetype that most closely matches the true nature of my soul, and even then, maybe one of the less talked about aspects of a wizard, but absolutely essential, is that he is the fool.

Hey me from the future here. I just spent a while writing this and then deleted it and stopped writing for a few days. I can't do it. I tried to write this out in excruciatingly overwritten detail and make it long as fuck. I just really want to own up to every single thing. I'm not gonna be able to do that. This entire couple years, I've been working through the stuff in my head and Journaling some of it. In the long run this is just my journal. Well some of those things I wrote down really fucked me up. Like a few of the longer posts in my journal set me into a 3 week long mental episode. I'm not bullshitting about what I said, I haven't just been sitting around and thinking about you occasionally and sometimes writing stuff about you. I've been reliving and regressing and examining my whole life in extended detail. Several times it has fucked me up and writing this was trying to do that and I just can't have it. I'm doing really good right now. Also, I was getting really deep into like every single bad thought in my head and they just aren't relevant. Every good thought I had during those times also had a doubt or a bad thought or something selfish, and everyone has that, and it isn't the real them, so I ain't writing that shit. Also, the times on this mental journey where processing stuff messed me up, sometimes it was just working through something tough, but a lot of times it was self imposed punishment. I don't believe my punishment is over for the way I've lived my life, but I simply can't do it to myself anymore. I did it until I was near death and felt so bad that I finally stopped and I'm not starting again. So I'm still gonna confess my sins but I'm not gonna go crazy with it. Like I said this is really just my final journal of the subject and it's directed at you but its for me, but if for some reason you've found this, and your one hang up is that I didn't say and explain every fucked up thing I did in painful levels of detail, just let me know.

Well of course it's starts at the start. Just at the start it was just me being a normal flawed dickhead, before all the crazy and evil. I didn't bullshit you on my sob story about Kammy. Yes, bitch was crazy, yes I had a TBI, yes I had just come out of a dementia tier 6 month trance. The part I left out that I was a dysfunctional dickhead. This is really the only part I'm adding explanations too, I swear. I was a fuckin asshole and bad at life and aimless and a loser and prone to agoraphobia and dissociation and tantrums of anger. Everyone hides shit like at the start. You hid a way bigger side. It's just that I lied and we saw the fruits of it. I just thought that was all due to my unhappiness and I just wasn't gonna be like that anymore it was a new me. That worked for a while.

See I got frontal lobe damage. Say someone really nice got frontal lobe damage. They would get a little meaner. It would be really obvious. Well I got frontal lobe damage so I guess everyone just thought they were finding out how mean I really was. And I'm anti-medicine and psychiatry. And I'm prone to dissociation and hiding my true thoughts. And I had childhood ptsd. And my life was already not going well and I was not putting myself into it. And THEN I got frontal lobe damage. Twice. So yeah I lied about that. I thought it was just really bad depression and when we met I was just then coming to terms with having a TBI, and thought it was just gonna be cognitive issues. No, I hit my head so fucking hard that cerebral fluid leaked out of my nose for 8 months and 5 years of my life were ruined. I just thought it was all my unhappy life with Kammys fault and I was free now and I was in control and I was gonna be a bad ass and just defeat all my demons at once.

Since this is the only time I'm gonna address the beginning of our relationship in a negative light, I wanna give it a small paragraph. I did not try to date you because you were young, or vulnerable, or the way you are. Just wanna put that out there. I know a lot of people thought that. I really have nothing else to say about that or feel any need to try and prove that. It's just true. I loved you and you're amazing, that is the only reason I wanted to be with you. No confession coming from that, but I felt one was expected, so I wanted to add this in.

Now, you were in fact vulnerable. Not gullible but like willing to listen/follow. You were vulnerable because of your situation. The only reason I liked that was just because you were down to roll and no baggage. I see the people around you take heavy advantage of your naive nature. I was always very careful with that. If I ever even broached that territory, I made sure I was being careful and not trying to fuck you around. That said I do have a confession, it's small in the grand scheme of things, but it really makes me wanna fucking puke and it's super cringe. I guess I just saw you as a girlfriend at first. Mostly this is just those typical first doubts everyone has. But I figured we would date for a year or so and I would help you out and then you could go off and find someone better for you. Like the dark side of my mind saw you as just company and temporary at first. I know this contradicts my previous story. This isn't the full story, this is my confession. This is me talking myself out of believing in the love I really felt. But then I just kept getting to know you more and realizing I really couldn't live without you. But I had just come out of this long ass relationship and then had all this fun being alone and dating, so I was just flooded with doubt and insecurity. That's not the confession. The confession is I then proceeded to try and manipulate you into some weird relationship dynamic that would put all my fears to rest and "not fuck my life up by being tied down". It was really scummy and doglike and you never were into it just went along with it to be with me. When you moved in I dropped it and that was your plan all along lol. Just being a normal dog man honestly but I feel gross for acting like that.

Now I will say I always brought up throuples. I just wanna say I never said that because I'm polyamourous or I wanted a threesome. I have legitimate justifiable reasons for that. They just didn't apply to you and I didn't see it, and always brought it up. You even brought it up a few times on your own, so did kammy. Just for me, it's more about balance. Just doesn't apply to you. You're my match. You're literally almost too much for me. Other girls aren't like that. That said I brought it up too much, and generally had a wandering eye because Im just a perv, but I shoulda kept that shit to myself. It's hurtful and degrading to say stuff like regardless of what's behind it.

I remember the first time I got mad at you and I do not regret it. I wish so bad to remember what you actually said that made me mad. I raised my voice slightly and said something very stern, slightly rude maybe. You were being disrespectful to the level of degrading. I don't regret it, but that broke the seal. Up until then,, I had just ignored you or stood my ground quietly, or at least calmly. I never should've stopped doing that.. The next couple times it happened, a few times it was the only way I was able to get my point across, and it worked. A few times were my first slip ups into my old bad self.

I only wrote that last paragraph to make a point. Anger is okay. But more than that, not being gentle is okay, standing my ground and sticking up for myself is okay. But I'm making a point. The first couple times were okay, or small mistakes. Pretty much every time after that was fucked up and wrong.

I was mean and unpleasant towards you for the rest of our entire relationship. Look you're a brat, emotional, and dramatic, and I miss all those things about you. At first it was just dealing with that, getting frustrated, or typical boyfriend girlfriend fights.

But then, I just got mean. Each day I got worse. I was the boy you loved who was so caring and thoughtful and nice. Then week by week I just got meaner.

There's a lot a reason but that's not what this is here for. It doesn't matter who's fault the anger was or what was behind it. It doesn't matter what lines I never crossed. I was mean. Over and over and over again. I chose to be mean again and again. I was just mean all the fucking time sometimes. I was mean over nothing. I snapped over nothing. I woke up already mad.

I blamed you. I blamed you for just fucking everything sometimes. I blamed you for things that you did actually do, they were you're fault, the blame was yours, but I chose to be mean about it. I insisted you did it on purpose whether you did or didn't. Sometimes you didn't didn't do anything. But regardless, I blamed you for one reason or the other, and my response was to get angry, throw a fit, withhold things from you, refuse to be nice to you, or refused to do something you asked or take you somewhere, because I blamed you and I was being fucking mean.

I held resentment too. I didn't stop blaming you or being mean about something just because the fight ended. It continued onward until you either proved me wrong or stopped doing it. And of course you didn't stop, I was being mean as fuck, you're just like me, I accused you and Kammy of doing the same thing to me: I was mean so you felt unloved, I didn't provide you an environment or chance to say sorry and change, I shamed you for it and I made it seem like our love was on the table, and that hurts, so you acted out. And then when you acted out I was twice as mean. And when you did it again I was quadruple mean, regardless if it was on purpose, on accident, or just in my head.

I was mean all the time. I yelled. I threw things. Multiple times I threw totinos pizzas or food. I stayed mad for hours.

There was a similar progression with how I dealt with your craziness. At first I was accepting and tried to help. Then it just got ridiculous. I would say one thing and you would completely shut down or lock yourself in the bathroom. At first it was like you would have an episode, or a panic attack, and I would calm you down for an hour and it still didn't work so I would try anger. And then that gap got shorter, I would try to help for a shorter time, and I wasn't just trying anger, or trying to show frustration, I was getting mad. Then there was a period where your mental episodes to me just meant we were having a fight so I fought with you, made it worse, extended it. And then there was the transitional phase where you were getting less crazy and I was getting more crazy, and at that point slowly I started thinking fuck this bitch. The second you had an issue I was like oh here we go again. If it wasn't directly related to me I would still try to help you, if you seemed legit upset. But if it was something between us I just instantly turned it into a dramatic fight and started being mean.

I did help you. By pushing you, being stubborn, maybe getting a little loud and stern. I helped you get outside more and feel better for things and be able to go do stuff without it being a big panic attack. But then I kept going. I kept pushing harder and harder. I stopped seeing you for who you really are and just wanted you to just shut up and be okay all the time. I was pushing myself so hard, and I felt you needed to be pushed that hard. So I just pushed harder and harder, got more loud, got more mean, got angry more quickly, and got more frustrated and it just grew and grew.

I wrote like a 4 page dissertation on the time I made you cry with spray cheese. I just feel so fucking bad about it. I put spray cheese on you and it triggered your autism really hard and you started crying. I almost got a little mad but then I tried to comfort you. I decided I had tried enough and you had cried enough. Really I kinda did. I tried to calm you down and make you feel better. You kept crying so I was just gonna let you cry. And you just cried more and more you just started all over from the beginning. I realize now that maybe you were just that upset, or you were crying because your heart was breaking over all the stuff going on in our lives. God it made me so made. I yelled at you to shut the fuck up. I thought you were doing it on purpose and you refused to let me comfort you and you were crying loud on purpose. I'm not giving you reasons, that's part of the confession, it's horrible that I even thought that. And even if I did think that, ptsd or not, why the fuck would I act like that. Jesus christ. A poor crying sad girl and I thought she was doing it to fuck with me so I yelled at her.

I'm getting off track but thats honestly one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life. I was glad to be getting some writing done but I'm gonna have to stop for a while. That's one of those memories that makes me physically sick. It doesn't matter how guilty I feel BTW, that's not what I'm trying to say. It just makes me sick. What a horrible thing. A lot of people in prison for heinous crimes divorce themselves from the idea that it was the real them that did the crime. I'm not doing that. I wish I could. I wish you would call me and say you were actually doing it on purpose. But it makes me just as sick to think I did such a cruel thing, but it makes my head spin because that is also one of the clearest memories of how fucked up I was in my brain. I cannot believe the thoughts I had, the feelings I felt, and the way I acted. That is not me. I'm not divorced from shit, I did that shit, I know why I did it, I can feel myself doing it. That's not me. The real me would've let you cry for hours while holding you and did whatever it takes later to find out what was really wrong. It doesn't matter. That was so horrible and cruel. A lot of our other bad memories have at least some nuance to them, some back and forth, 2 toxic sick people, at least some semblance of a dramatic fight, not this one. It makes me feel like I am truly evil inside. I cannot imagine how bad I hurt you by doing that. I can't imagine the feelings you were feeling. To have your autism trigger and then your emotions start pouring out and me telling you to shut the fuck up and being mean. I feel like if I could feel the feelings I made you feel that night, I would actually die. I have to stop writing for a few days.

I didn't abuse you. Hold your horses before you shit yourself. There's just no part of this confession where I say "I'm your abuser I'm sorry". You can put your boots in the over and callem biscuits but that don't make it so.

I tried to ram the theory that I'm an abuser so far up my ass so many times. It just isn't true. I am a piece of shit that did bad things. I am a sick person in a bad situation. I'm an angry mean person.

You know in my edit above where I said sometimes the work and Journaling I've been doing messed me up? My story of what I've put my time into isn't bullshit. I haven't been sitting around musing about my ex girlfriend. I have been investigating, researching, and experimenting, every aspect of my life, every shadow, every part of my brain, health, ego, and every memory. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get to the bottom of it. A lot of times this shit affected my work, my lifestyle, my health, my mental status.

You know which one fucked me up really bad? I wrote down every bad thing you did or made me feel but I used the terminology of domestic abuse and described what happened in the language of an abuse victim. It fit very very well. By the time I finished writing it I think it sent me into a spiral that lasted 6 weeks. Writing about my episodes and uncovering my trauma fucks me up, writing about good memories also particularly hurts me, but I remember this one particularly fucking me up. Don't worry, I saw through it. I explored every possibility I could think of and it was one of the dead ends.

I don't know why it fucked me up so bad. I fucking hope not because it was actually true. That it fit so well that I had to completely lie to myself and keep writing to reinforce my denial. I think it was just such a dark ending and hid too much truth. This was way before I started having revelations and improvements. So I think my brain was like NO BITCH START OVER.

An abuser is a specific kind of monster and criminal. Now, they do have "reasons" and could be self aware of them like I am. I don't call them reasons. I call them origins. They may have psychological problems, or be part of a cycle of abuse. Hint hint. But they cross a line at some point. They aren't doing it out of pathology, they aren't doing it on accident as a trauma response or a bad learned behavior. They cross a line where abuse is just what they do. I would say it's out of hatred, but I think most of them are sociopaths, so it's really out of nothing, they don't see you as a person. The things they do are cruel and intentional. They trick you into loving them, manipulate your emotions to keep you under control.

An abuser is an evil demon, who you fear, who hits you, hurts you, and then tells you it's your fault. Meeting an abuser is the same as getting mugged in an alleyway. You're a random victim of a criminal. You weren't chosen for any reason other than your victimizable. An abuser degrades, they tell you the dinner you cooked is disgusting, your body is disgusting, your stupid and its all your fault. Verbal abuse, yelling at you for no reason, they may be yelling at you about something but they are doing it for no actual reason other than to abuse you. Emotional abuse. Your emotions are nothing but a tool for them. That's the abuse cycle. They make you feel absolutely horrible and at fault about everything, make you feel bad and disgusting, that's the abuse. They make you feel worthless and not redeemable, so you must stay with them, and of course threaten to kill you if you leave. Then the literal abuse ends. They make sure you know it's all your fault, and then you have a period of peace, usually beginning by showering you with good emotions and presents. You see the "other side" of them and can't help but love them and you're being flooded with positivity. There's no other side of them, there's just an on/off switch to the literal abuse part, and trickery and manipulation. You're either scared to leave them, or in love with them during manipulated positivity, one or the other. You're never just their girlfriend. And then one day you escape. Abusers may come back for you and try to trick you back, but 99% of them disappear forever and find a new victim within 6 months, that's an fbi statistic. Abusers don't feel remorse. Maybe they can change, but personally I don't think they can. That line can't be uncrossed. The abuser, in their mind, is fully justified in their behavior. They think they did the right thing. There's no struggle, it's not a hard relationship that didn't work out, it was a stage play where they are the lead role and you're a side character that deserved what they got and you're the one that abandoned them.

What I did was bad. I was a real piece of shit. I hurt you a lot and made you cry. You hit me with some pretty bad shit. I didn't do that though. I almost kinda think what I did was worse, which is what this rant is leading up to. If I could just say to myself yeah my behavior was abuse, I coulda ended this whole thing right there. I tried pretty hard to do that. If I was able to come to that conclusion, I would have nothing to say to you. I wouldn't have you on my mind anymore either. This story would've wrapped up cleanly 8 months ago with a nice bow on top. I would've known exactly what to do for myself as well. Paradoxically, and only because it's not true, my heart would've put an end to this story. Abusers don't have good hearts, that's why it's a paradox, and abuser would just carry on as normal. But if I landed on that the solution would've been simple. Either I would have stopped working on myself, no longer any motivation either because of you, or to have a woman in my future. I would never let it happen again. Or, I would have just killed myself, like all abusers should have. Now, I did damn near accept you as my abuser, like I said it lines up very well. I looked at my own behavior and was like nah, doesn't line up. Bad, should feel bad, maybe should kill myself anyway, but doesn't line up. Yours lined up, but I looked deeper, I know what happened now, photo finish on that one, glad I kept going, turned out good.

I was manipulative, as I've already confessed. You're stubborn and feral. My manipulation was good hearted, my manipulation was me trying to train you to live better and act better. And then, life got worse, and my illness got worse, and my manipulation did become very mean, the good intentions remained, but so did Ghengis Kahns good intentions. My teaching truly did become manipulation and pressure and anger. I also manipulated you to try to prove my PTSD fears untrue.

I yelled at you. I yelled really loud and angrily at you. What was I yelling about though? One of two things, either literally our exact relationship problems and the solutions to them, a good talk we needed to have, except I was fucking yelling because I was insane, and you weren't listening because I was yelling. Or, I yelled about all the fucked up shit in my head, an overflow of all the shit I was repressing.

It's embarrassing to say, but yeah we had those toxic dramatic moments that both toxic and abusive couples had, but they were fucking temper tantrums like a 5 year old. Now, that doesn't really describe well the content of what was in my head, or what was going on in our lives, but those peak moments of drama were essentially a really gigantic toddler fucking losing his shit in a really skilled fashion.

I never insulted you, degraded you, I never talked about your body, your mind, I never insinuated that your some piece of shit is the reason we are having the issue. I know some of my behavior may have scared or disturbed you, and undoubtedly it damaged you and hurt your heart, but you were never scared of me. You know what you did during these fights? Well a lot of times you fought back. In fact, a lot of these memories weren't just me having and episode, they were you having an episode, or us having a fight, or 2 really weird crazy people in a little house freaking the fuck out. Sometimes, you just sat there and cried, or defended yourself. Sometimes, you fucking hit me, through shit at me or around the house.

I did blame you for things. I blamed you for things you did, and blame is not how a relationship works, accountability is, and yelling is not how it works, talking is. But I blamed and yelled. I blamed you for things you did not do. I blamed you for things that were legitimate miscommunication or confusion, except instead of talking about it, and figuring it out, I was a piece of shit to you about it. I also blamed you for things that were 100% true in my mind, because my mind was broken. I blamed you for doing things that kammy did to me, because while maybe she didn't exactly purposely abuse me, she left such a litany of fucked up shit behind in my mind that there's no other word for it.

Abusers escalate. Our life did get worse. It wasn't an escalation of abuse. It was a progression of my mental illness, our life getting worse, and all the things stacking up and compounding. I ran. As it got worse, I started fucking running away. The episodes and delusions got worse, so when they happened, I started fucking running away half way through. I definitely was getting louder, and getting really prone to smashing shit, it was getting way way worse, so I did that shit, but something in me was like OH FUCK so I started running away. I remember one instance where the second I snapped I just fucking ran. You shoved me and yelled at me but I just felt that fucked up feeling and ran. I can remember also feeling fucked up and just putting my shoes on and leaving a bunch of times.

There was that one time, that time I burned myself with cigarettes. That's a different fucked up different thing for a different chapter.

An abuser traps you. They either manipulate you into staying, or threaten you to leave. I broke up with you every time I had an episode. After the episode I tried to get you to leave. I threatened you once, during the mentioned cigarette incident. I said every fucked up thing I could just to get you out of the house. The night the neighbor called the cops on us, I locked you out. I think that was my worst mental breakdown. I was trying to get you to leave. I was trying to end this. I didn't truly think it was your fault, I either thought it was my fault or some kind of mental problem. I just wanted it to end. I tried to get you to go home for a few months, or break up with you, or kick you out, or run away. I put every effort I had left into trying to figure out my problem and make it stop. I kept trying for 2 fucking years after you left to fix it until I finally did. I broke up with you. You did not escape me. I broke up with you and you finally left and I rambled incoherent bullshit to you on discord and never once tried or asked for you to come back.

Maybe an abuser would use this strategy, write this whole ass thing to try to get you back. They would be lying first of all. That's what abusers do. The abuse happens, then they fake how sorry it is but also gaslight/blame you. There was no abusive cycle with us. There was no up and down circular abuse cycle. It just straight sucked. The next day I did say how sorry I was and how scared I was and that I was gonna try really hard to fix it. I never once said it was because of you. I never flooded you with good emotions or gifts. Nope. The next day we just had the same fucking problems. The next whole month we had the same fucked up life, with occasional good memories or moments of chillness. And then one of us had another breakdown, or fight. That was the cycle. Two crazy kids getting fucked over by poverty and losing their minds together.

So just deal with it. I didn't abuse you. You basically almost abused me. That's just not what was happened. Maybe it's pathological of me to focus so hard on what the truth is. But its not the truth. When I find the truth, I accept it. I'm not working my way around it. This is the most life changing experience that happened to me ever and when I'm done rebuilding myself it's gonna influence the course of my entire life, and that will NOT be based on a lie or a rationalization, and if these memories are gonna fuck with me they are gonna fuck with me correctly.

You have been abused before. It was easy to tell yourself that all that happened was you got abused again. It was definitely easy to explain this complicated ass shit to other people. If that's what you had to tell yourself to keep going, fine. But you were there. I don't write this to trick you, I write this to give myself closure, and I kinda think none of this even matters to you at all, but I write this to in fantasy land also give you closure.

Now that I said that, let me invalidate all of it. If you felt abused, then you were abused. If you want to tell me what I did was abuse, I will listen, and I will accept it. You were undoubtedly my victim, I was also your victim, I was also my own victim, and you were the victim of the consequences and expressions of what I was a victim of. If you felt abused, you were, and I'm the abuser. I would rather you didn't think that. I don't think it's true enough, but you own your own truth. I would rather you think that I'm a piece of shit that hurt you really bad, a failure, a loser, a hurtful mean asshole, someone that betrayed you and let you down and fucked you over. All those things are true, I don't believe I abused you. I never did this out of hate, I never crossed that line, and I tried to stop it and didn't want it to happen. I'm an absolute curmudgeon, asshole, violent, dickhead, shitty piece of shit, and I hurt the fuck out of you forever and ever. It can't be undone and what we call it doesn't matter.

I think what I did is worse. I think all the shit I listed before the abuse rant is really fucking bad. In some fucked up way it would almost be better if those actions were out of abuse. Then it was just abuse and not your fault, and I'm an abuser so just throw me in the trash and forget all the memories, they are just trauma. That's softer than the truth. The truth is I was just a guy you loved that was an incredibly hurtful jerk asshole. Just by being himself. And you know what, a lot of it wasn't our faults. It was situational or an accident. That's fuckin horrible. That's like dropping a baby on its head.

Nah, I think it's still worse. With what I know now, now that I'm no longer insane, now that I know who you are and know who I am, I think what I know now is worse. We have both been brats and assholes our whole lives, and we both have had people abuse us our whole lives. Nah. This is worse.

It's that shit at the beginning. When we met. You were stuck out in that town, you felt like your family was abusing you, the one friend you had her boyfriend tried to rape you and she was manipulating you. Then this guy shows up and he has all the same interests as you. You were sitting around bored and sad and lonely and rotting away. He came and swooped you up. But then, you were nuts. But it didn't scare him off. Nah. You told him your secrets and things about yourself you were scared to say and he was like oh cool that's no big deal. He promised you this big dream life. Yall were gonna be a team and treat each other right. He was so interesting and you were telling people how cool he was and showing them this cool book he gave you. He got you a house and you started going crazy in there and he was always there to calm you down and help you work through it. You started feeling better and better, losing weight, skin glowing up, free from all the boredom and abuse you had at home. Things were tough and weren't always great but slowly we we learning things and putting our life together, making little improvements to our house, setting up little things we wanted, he planted you a garden, got you a guinea pig.

Then slowly, day by day, he betrayed you. You watched this guy that you thought was so amazing just slowly lose his mind, slowly the house got nastier and his attitude got nastier. Less and less he acted like that guy you met. More and more he blamed you. Life got less fun and more sad, you missed your home, you never got anything fun to. He got worse and worse, more loud, directed more at you. He wasn't even the guy you remember. The dream was dying. He used to be the guy that wasn't like the others and would never hurt you, no matter how hard you tried to test him or drive him crazy he always said look I love you get over it ill always love you we will figure this out. But he was so far from that. Now he was the guy that would hurt you over something you didn't even do, something that was just in his head. You had struggles at first together, but you were able to learn and figure them out together, and it made us both proud when we fixed a problem. But now, it's the same problem, every day, but worse each time. He used to be the guy that would take you camping and stomp around naked chasing a possum in the woods, the guy that would take you driving and stop to save a turtle off a road. Now he just lays there like a log. He brought you to this cool town and took you to all different stores and new places to eat but now he just lays there and gets mad if you ask for anything. When yall met you didn't have any money for yourself but he always took you to get a pony or a calico critter and some eyelashes but now he won't even pay to get your nails done, once, ever. He used to hold you until you stopped crying but now he tells you to shut the fuck up. You used to do fun projects together but now he just blows money on fish crap and makes the house a mess.. He was your guy, your favorite person, the guy that always showed up to save you and always helped you and always was gentle and took his time and always took you on an adventure but now he just lays there like a log and yells at you and is always mad and always drunk.

I can't imagine what that betrayal felt like. Watching everything go sideways and backwards and watching the person you finally gave your heart and trust to just mash it up with a hammer.

Well I do because it happened to me too but that's not my point. You loved me and would do anything for me and I made you so happy and I ruined it all. You watched me lose my sanity and become an evil zombie right before your eyes. You just wanted it to stop and you wanted your boy back but you didn't know what to do and he blamed it all on you and it all got ruined. What a fucking nightmare.

And I think of this sweet special girl. I remember you being really hard to put up with, really hard to figure out, hard to find the key too. But I just always felt that weird synchronicity, I felt like God damn she is so weird and complicated but I actually understand her exactly and know exactly what to do. I'm the guy for her and I'm glad I found her because I know bad people would do a really bad job at dealing with her. I remember this naive girl, her emotions were big, so when she gave her trust she gave all of it, or she would do anything to not lose a friend. So I saw people take advantage of it, I saw her get hurt and manipulated and put in bad situations. She was pure and honest and the people around her weren't. That's why she keeps getting in trouble. So I knew she had my trust, and would follow me, and thought I was smart and knew better so she would listen to me, and she never wanted to lose me so she would do whatever it takes. So I took that trust, like a delicate crystal, and I said I'm gonna make sure I always take care of her, if she listens to me then I'm gonna tell her the right thing, and I'm always gonna be careful and true and gentle and do life right by her.

And now I'm gone. First, I fucked all that up, and now I'm gone. And I gotta sit here and worry that she will be with someone that will abuse her and she will stay because she loves them and forgives them for it. I gotta think about her manipulative friend and wander what kinda bad situation she will get in. I gotta hope that maybe she meets someone nice that will protect her but I just can't imagine what kind of strange creature she would have to meet that would really understand her problems, and really appreciate the good and best things about her.

And I remember this really cool girl I fell in love with. She would go hunt for bones in the forest, or go drive around at night, go to burger king stoned at 3am, go hang out the anime festival, and she had her bedroom how she liked it. And I took that from her, and suppressed it, and made her boring, and made her life boring. And I remember a girl that loved her family and being around them so much and I took her away from them and wasted her time. I remember a girl that had big dreams and big desires and lots of hobbies and I took those all away and said no to everything either because I couldn't afford it or I was sick and an asshole.

I remember a girl that loved me so much and tried to give me her everything and I just yelled at her and hurt her. A girl that would've gone with me anywhere and I never took her anywhere. A girl that would've truly accepted me for who I am but instead I hid it from her and let it turn into evil inside of me. A girl that was so beautiful and so amazing and probably just the coolest ever but I never told her that because I was scared. A girl I thought the whole world of and lived my life for except I never showed her that and now I'm just another one of her bad memories.

I look at who I am and who I'm becoming, and my real self. Someone you never met and someone I totally forgot about, yet somehow, pretty much the guy you loved. Somehow you knew who he was underneath all this shit. I'm starting to remember him and find little pieces of him. It disgusts me. I think this is the thing I feel worse about. Worse than all the other things, because those things wouldn't have happened if I was that guy. There's really no good way to explain this to you, but I know it's true. You can't even get it I think. It would sound like a lie. But yeah. You fell in love with one of of good parts of me, and didn't care about my problems or how I looked. Definitely I'll probably never look like your dream guy. But in my heart? I can't describe this guy but any other way than this. He's you. He's your imaginary friend. He is so much like the real you, it's like it's two parts of the same soul. The real true me, that I hid away from the world, that all this bad shit happened to and twisted up. He is you. It matches your soul and everything I miss about you. He would've said yes to everything you ever asked him. He would've watched a Disney princess movie with you like he was your best friend and you were 7 years old on summer vacation. He would've laughed at everything you showed him. He would've made you so many bead bracelets your arm would fall off. It freaks me out. I've thought so long on who you really are, and who I really am, and this part of me that is so deep down that I didn't even know its there, and that deepest part. It's you man. It's fucking you. Its like someone you would dream up to be your best friend. And for me, I'm gonna explore that more and try to bring him out. But you'll never get to meet him. Its like Santa is real and left a Christmas present under the tree just for you and God tied a bow around it, and I snuck in the window and stole it and fucking threw it off a bridge and yelled at you instead.

Thank you by the way. Just wanna throw a thank you in there. Thought I knew myself so well and that I was gonna teach you how to fight life like me, and then kick it's ass together. Instead, life won, and you taught me so fucking much about myself it's ridiculous.

And then there's the worst thing of all.

I'm stupid and my problems were stupid. The situation we were stuck in didn't have an easy answer, but making it through it together was far from impossible. I doubted that you loved me and now that my eyes are clear I can look back now and see that you loved the fuck out of me. I thought you weren't trying and didn't care but I look back and see you trying your hardest and never giving up. I tested your love with my bullshit over and over again and you still stuck around and obviously loved me. You always picked me no matter what was happening. You never once talked about leaving me. I look back at the problems I had searched to solve for 20 years and they all had simple answers. Mostly. The journey was hard to get those answers but that was my own fucking fault. I basically could've stopped being a stupid bitch at any time and the answers would've shown themselves. I didn't understand what was going on in my head and all I had to do was tell you. I kept it all a big secret. I kept it a secret from then one person on earth that would've understood and then you would've understood what was happening and been able to help. I needed your help but refused to let you or ask you. I loved you more than anything but I refused to tell you because I thought you would use it against me. I thought you were so cool and I enjoyed everything about you so much but refused to tell you because your ego was too big.

Basically, this whole thing was complicated as fuck and hard as fuck to figure out but the solution was simple and right in front of me. It's my fault for making it hard and loud and complicated and it's my fault for being blind.

There was one simple solution and I don't even care that there was a million things that hid it from me and misled with me. I'm a dumbass.

All I had to do was trust you. Tell you the bad thoughts I felt. Told you the good things I thought about you and how much I loved you. And you woulda been like oh OK no problem. All I had to do was stop drinking and eat better and go to a few doctors. All I had to do was be truthful and honest for you. That's it. All I had to do was not choose anger. Even if you had a hard time understanding me, or believing me, or tried to drive me crazy, all I had to do was admit to myself, and admit to you, how much I really loved you. All I had to do was stop living in fear and try to protect myself and see that right in front of my eyes is exactly what I think it is but won't except, the girl of my dreams, the girl I want to be with. All I had to do was put you first l, and put us staying together first, and this would be a beautiful love story. The situation wouldn't have changed, but we would've made the best of it and been good to each other, and things eventually would've gotten better, and we would be all good now and still together.

But no. That's not what I did. I kept secrets. I chose anger every time I had the chance to. I denied my feelings. I denied you the truth. I denied you encouragement and kind words. I kept loving you a big secret because I thought you didn't love me back so I wasn't gonna love you openly. I hid my problems and secrets and good things and bad things from you. I let my fears be reality, I didn't let the truth be reality. I was scared about things, and decided they were real, and that you were doing them. And now I sit here without you, you're gone forever, I hurt and betrayed you, and I write long rambling books about you like a fucking freak, when we could literally just be happy and have a good time. I chose darkness and pain over love and happiness. I hurt you.

My victory in my personal journey is fucked. I resent it. For so long, long before I met you, I felt so wrong inside, my life was so wrong. I DONT take accountability for that like I take accountability for our problems. I take accountability for SOME of it. But, I was fucked, my life fucked me, my brain fucked me, my molesters fucked me, the bullies fucked me, my bosses fucked me, and I decided you were just another person here to fuck me. But I was right. There was something wrong with my body, and I fixed it. There was something wrong with my mind, my brain, my psychology, my lifestyle, my life, my perception. I spent 20 years trying to fix it, and I finally did. So now I know it's possible. I know if I chose to not be a dumbass mean ass stupid fucking bitch, I could've done everything we planned to do, that whole goal we set our for to have a better life and be better people. I fucking did it. A year after you left. Nah not while the love of my life and the best friend I ever had was literally 5 feet away from me. Nah Nah. That would make too much sense. No my stupid fuckint ass chose to be shitty and keep suffering and hurt the fuck out of her and myself and she left forever, THEN I fixed it. I always thought these weren't things that could change and fix and I fixed them, it only cost me everything, it only came at the consequence of hurting the fuck out of you and the losing you, it only came at the cost of abusing myself and letting my life go so bad that I went into extreme debt, destroyed my life, killed all my pets, ruined my future, and created a horrible irredeemable past. THEN I fixed it all. I walk into my nice clean cool little house smelling good looking good with money in my pocket, full of energy, ready to cook or play or go somewhere, just got home from my good ass consistent job that let's me do my own thing and pays a lot for it, just living in the freedom of having a brain that works and a mind that's not trying to make me kill myself and a body that doesn't feel like molasses. And I don't deserve it, and it cost too much, and I have blood on my hands, and I should've done it for you, and you should be sitting there with a big glowing smile happy to see me and say we can go to daiso and Williams chicken and I say yeah sure let's go! I am nothing, I have nothing, I am the worst person that has ever lived. I am Diogenes of Texas. I worked my whole life to fix my problems and I hurt everyone around me. I completed everything I sought to do for 20 years and I destroyed everything around me. I pushed every good thing out of my life and ruined ever good chance I had. I hurt the fuck out of people, I am a bad memory in everyone's head. That's why I'm Diogenes. I finally did what I set out to do and got it all, but truly I have nothing, I live in a barrel, I have a lantern to light my path at night, and a cat sometimes comes by to keep me company. I am a wretch, a villain, and victimizer, and an oathbreaker. It was all my fault and it was at the cost of the trauma of those around me. I don't deserve the things I have or achieved, and I deserve the hell that I've made for myself. We could've had a beautiful love story, a lifelong friendship, a big ass romantic redemption arc, and a cool ass life life lots of smiles and fun and a big garden and lots of cute pets and fun memories and adventures and cool stuff, but because of ME and ME ALONE and by no others fault but MINE, we had a painful, unfixable, disgusting stinky hurtful memory of failure and remorse. That is my sin.

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aurimeanswind · 6 years

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Let’s Make Up—Sunday Chats—4/22/18

So last week I had a Sunday Chats all written and done, and while writing the last two closing paragraphs, my web browser crashed and Tumblr, being the platform with apparently no fail safes at all, completely lost all of what I wrote. I was initially going to just rewrite it the next day or the following Wednesday (my next day off) but then life happened and to be perfectly honest I had what we call in the biz a godawful week, so it didn’t happen. I apologize, I took your questions and selfishly coveted my answers when you had taken your time to submit them, and I am very sorry for that.

To make up for it, this week I am answering all of last week’s questions IN ADDITION to the few I got for this week, so hopefully it’ll be jam packed. Luckily I didn’t have a big editorial thought-piece ready for last week, so for this week...

The 10 out of 10

So I’ve been playing God of War, as I’m sure many of you readers have been, and I’m delighted by it in so many wonderful ways. But I think the reviews definitely set an expectation that is really impossible to meet. I’m not treading new ground here, I think that’s safe to say (as is usually the case with my writing) but it’s just the thought I’ve had the most playing God of War.

I think you get this idea that it’s a series of incredibly brilliant moments that tie together beautifully, and while I think much of that is true, a lot of what you do in God of War is run around and fight dudes. As great as that is, I’ve only had maybe two big moments in my ten or so hours with it. But the quality of what I’ve seen so far just gets me excited to see what moments I have coming up, especially since at this point, I really have absolutely no idea what the hell is going to happen next.

What i think gets understated in such a masterful score is just the sheer volume of production value poured into every inch of a game. I think that’s something that’s hard to convey across an entire review, let alone just a score, but boy, there is just a ton of polish and excellence throughout the game, from the small animations, to how Kratos always grabs a cliff’s face and doesn’t clip through it.

It’s really excellently made, and I hope everyone out there is enjoying it as much as I am.

What’s on Tap

So I finished Kingdom Hearts 1

I re-beat this game again, finally going and doing all the additional content, like synthesis, extra bosses, grinding to level 100, etc.

I dunno... I think Kingdom Hearts is great but its “post-game” content is really underwhelming. I think none of the bosses are truly “special” in a way that they are in Kingdom Hearts 2. They don’t have these strategies seared into my mind, at least.

That being said, the design philosophy in KH1 versus its sequel is so completely different and fascinating. It’s far more Metroidvania in its intent to have you backtrack and re-explore already searched areas. It feels almost like it’s from a completely different franchise.

Like... There is ZERO platforming at all in Kingdom Hearts 2. Like, none. I can’t think of a section where you have to jump from a thing to a thing, except maybe the extra dungeon they added in the Final Mix version.

It makes me hopeful that maybe they’ll revisit some of these ideas in Kingdom Hearts 3 but eh. I doubt it.

Kingdom Hearts 2 on Critical

I started this and it’s about as frustrating as I anticipated. It’s not terrible or world ending, as its essentially just Proud mode difficulty with half your total health.

But I’m about to fight Xaldin in my playthrough so basically it’s all downhill from here.

God of War

So yes, I’ve been playing God of War. It is indeed, a video game.

I mean it’s really great. I talked about it a lot on last night’s podcast if you want some more detailed thoughts. But here are some standouts:

The combat is labored in a way that makes it so much more intense and significant. Of all the things that remind me of The Last of Us, it’s this aspect. It’s the intensity of each hit, the feeling of desperation in every slam and slash, and the violence that goes with it feels justified in the God of War universe where it absolutely never has before.

I get a ton of Darksiders vibes from this game, specifically Darksiders 2. The way it introduces side areas, side dungeons, side puzzles, and especially chests, reminds me a ton of how Darksiders approached formulaic Zelda ideas. It works very well here.

The Axe is, of course, excellent. But I’d say it isn’t the throw of the axe that works, it’s calling it back.

The ambient dialogue between your characters feels pulled straight out of a Naughty Dog game, and it feels so derivative of that that it makes me like it a bit less that I’d personally want to. It just feels almost exactly the same, just with different characters, and so far, outside of Kratos and how “deals” it dialogue, there isn’t enough separating it.

Overall very good. I will eventually be writing a review for IrrationalPassions.com. Look for it someday.

Questions

Remember to look for my tweet with the hashtag #SundayChats every Sunday afternoon, reply to it with your question, and boom. That’s how the magic happens.

Last week’s questions:

Ya know last week I’d have a different answer but I’ll revisit that later. In short: stuff is happening. I’m trying to live my life. Trying to do good. Failing a lot, but I’ll keep trying.

I’ve been crazy busy too. I feel like this is the year I am trying to teach myself different and new things, whether they be on a technical level, or maybe software, or something else along those lines.

Thank you for the kind words. As for the future, I think there is another question asking a bit of something like this, but it’s trying to stay busy and trying to make bigger and better moves. Like, E3 I think is out of the question, but PAX West isn’t, and aiming for something like that is really exciting and it gives us a lot of new options and opportunities. Plus, we’ve been trying to have actual meetings on the reg about what we’re doing and what ideas we have.

A big one that Scott White has been spearheading you’ll probably know more about by the end of this month, and there are some new shows and new styles of pieces I think we are all trying to do. As for me, I just want to get better with video stuff, with supporting the team, and with GA, as that’s my main new project.

I like milk. I drink milk, by itself, or in chocolate form, pretty regularly. I’ve been at a restaurant with friends and asked for a glass of milk and everyone laughed at me. I’ve since never done that.

Milk is good.

I mean the biggest one was assuredly The Messenger, which is like, my #1 most anticipated. But I was lucky that my team got to go out there and see stuff and present it to me with cool thoughts and perspectives on all of them. Like, Solo sounds super cool and I want to see more of it, and City of Brass wasn’t on my radar at all but seems really cool. Mike convinced me to see Omensight and that’s just a really rad new entry from a team I didn’t think had it in them.

I mean, I don’t even really know who Kid Rock is. I mean I know of him, but eh. I’ve never heard his music before a day in my life. I hear he is like, not good? Like, not a good person, not necessarily a bad musician. But I don’t want to assume. Is this libel? Am I getting black balled out of the industry right now?

Also you look hella cute Roger. So proud of you.

It absolutely was not. A big thing was I was planning on getting a 4K TV, and since I had the Xbox One X I was happy with just that and then the HDR that my original PS4 could reach. But there was a good deal and if I was already investing so much I wanted to get the most out of my TV. So I swear to god if a PS5 comes out next fall I’ll be pissed.

Brian. Nabeshin. Jackson. So I can know what it feels like to be the nicest dude in the world and also a great uncle.

It’s really sad. But also nice since I can be alone again. But also sad.

A bit of a mixed bag.

Pretty much anything in Final Fantasy 15 looks amazing and delicious. But that Beef Bowl in Persona 4... Man, I’ve had dreams about that Beef Bowl.

This week’s questions:

Shoutout to Brandon Gann, who is in ALL WEEK’S questions for Sunday Chats.

Yes, God of War is great. I think I got into it pretty well above, but yes, I really enjoy it. The combat, above all else, just feels so great. It reminds me a TON of DmC Devil May Cry in that it is training me well and I feel really good at it. Plus the way the weapons work kind of reminds me of that kind of combat too.

It absolutely has to be the SNES. I think I’ve lost countless hours to that system, and it’s something that, as a gift for me, I had my parents go and buy of eBay waaay past its time so as I could sit down and revisit all these classic games. Something I’m still incredibly appreciative of to this day.

But A Link to the Past and Super Metroid are just so formulative of my current taste in games and the things I seek out the most in video games (see: adventure and backtracking) and that was the console I sank the most time into without a doubt. I think GameBoy is totally a great choice, I didn’t have my own until I got a GameBoy color, but the GBA was the one I fell in love with the most, and I wouldn’t really get deep into that until much later.

Hey like, real talk everyone? Hey? Everyone bring it down, it’s real talk time?

Like, I’m doing suuuuper not good. Like actively very bad, and it’s just a whole lot going on. Last week is like, top three, top four worst weeks ever for me, and I had to make a whole bunch of adult decisions that, while I was prepared for them, I wasn’t happy about anything, and everything seemed to just make the situation more miserable. On top of that, I just feel like I’ve been really shitty and a shitty friend to basically all the people in my life that matter the most, and on top of that I have a lot of stress from work and money and blah.

Like, in the grand scheme of things, I’m doing okay, I’ll be okay, but I feel bad, it all feels bad, and it’s pretty shitty. Like, I know this probably wasn’t the answer expected, but it’s definitely the truth.

I’ll do better next time.

In my defense, it’s what I was doing up until I started writing this, and, while I do need to go do the dishes before I get back into God of War because lord knows no one else will, I’ll be continuing my adventure in Midgard until I pass out tonight.

I mean I feel really good about it, so long as everyone involved feels good. Like we’ve certainly hit a lot more readers and have broadened our audience in a way we’ve never been capable of before, and we have opportunities now that we’ve never had before, and I feel really good about that. I’m not super into the numbers, but I am into opportunity, ability to cover games pre-release, go to events, things like that.

As for the end of the year, I feel like, or at least I hope, there is a bit more cross pollination as far as skill, like more folks will be able to support Social, and more folks will be able to do video, or host shows, or whatever that may be. But I want that to all happen within comfort: like Social is Jurge’s thing, and if he doesn’t want to share that because of his ownership of it, I get that, I respect that, and I’m all about that. People gotta have their territory of expertise, and since I’ve been jack-of-all-trading it alone this whole time, I’m all about doing that for myself.

Even though I kind of already have and that’s editing.

The Ninja Samurai from Ghosts of Tsushima (upcoming, I know) and Sly Cooper, because I’m all about creating the greatest Ninja clan this side of the land of the rising sun.

That’s all I got for this week. Thank you all for your patience and understanding. I’ll do better next time. I will try and continue to do these more consistently. I love you all, thank you for reading and supporting and listening and being great.

Until next time, keep it real.

#video games #god of war #sunday #sunday chats #sundaychats #Alex talks

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shootfastrunfar · 6 years

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My first taste of Failure

On Sunday, April 8th, I failed for the first time in my life.

That statement is, to a degree, hyperbolic. I’ve failed many times in my 22 (almost 23) years on this planet. I’ve failed out of college due to laziness. I’ve failed to bench press 225 for years. I’ve failed to crank out 20 pullups on a PFT. I’ve failed tests. I’ve failed to make food properly. I’ve failed to make good first impressions. I’ve failed to talk to my grandfather for years before he died. But on April 8th, 2018, I failed in a way that I’ve never failed before, and it rocked me: I failed to do something that I set my mind to do. In that way, I truly failed.

My failure was, ultimately, my own doing. I failed to properly prepare for something that I knew would be difficult, for a myriad of reasons; I was tired, I was busy, I had trained enough to get by, I was sore, or maybe I just said “Fuck it”. Ironically, that phrase has gotten me through some of the most physically and mentally demanding situations in my life. That phrase has also led me to this failure in the worst possible way. It bred an attitude of complacency in me. It bred cockiness. It led me to believe that I could simply power through whatever challenge lay before me, through sheer guts, balls of steel, and a willingness to believe that I could do anything. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! And then Ironman 70.3 Galveston grabbed me by the balls and Stone Cold Stunnered me back to earth.

This story begins just over two years ago. I had convinced my roommate to run the 2016 Marine Corps Marathon with me. During that conversation, he brought up something called an Ironman. Having never heard of such a thing, I asked him what it was. What he described to me simultaneously scared and excited me. A 2.4 mile swim, a 112 mile bike ride, and a full 26.2 mile marathon, all in 17 hours?! I suddenly had a sinking feeling. I realized that simply running a marathon would no longer suffice for dick measuring contests. If I were to ever have the largest genitalia in an argument, I realized I was going to have to step up my game.

First things first, however. The marathon would be run first. So with the Hanson’s running method under my belt, a brand new pair of Brooks Launchs, and a belly full of Gu, he and I began our training. Out of a 5 month program, we completed maybe 2/3 of the workouts. And the last three weeks, we did 2. Life started taking hold, and we both entered that race woefully unprepared. But with a little bit of luck and a lot of motivation, we managed to stumble across the finish line before the cutoff time. JUST before the cutoff times. To say we “ran” the marathon was generous. We jogged/walked/stumbled it. But we finished it none the less, and I have the medal proudly sitting in a shadow box to prove it.

Fast forward 8 months. The post marathon blues had destroyed my fitness. I had stopped going to the gym for money and time reasons while training for the marathon, and it took me months to be able to start going again. I was in the worst shape of my life. I managed to somewhat get my shit together, just enough to convince myself I needed to make a big change. So AT (Annual Training) 2017 came around, and I decided I was going to start my Ironman Journey. The day before we went to the field, I signed up for my first Sprint Triathlon. After returning, I forced myself to buy a cheap road bike and start training. That first Tri came and went, and I was itching for another. So I impulse signed up for Ironman 70.3 Galveston, bought a training plan, and once again gaffed off over half the training sessions, and did all of 2 in the final month. Hell, I had done some of the longer rides and runs, so I knew I could just dig deep and power through, right? I’m a goddamn US Marine (one weekend a month, anyway). I could do a little fucking triathlon! It’s not even a full Ironman! It’s the Triathlon equivalent of a half marathon! You just show up and crank it out! How hard could it be?

The race started out well enough. I actually crushed the swim, the area I was most concerned about. Roka makes a damn fine wetsuit. Their sleeved Maverick Elite II was well worth the money. I had done no open water swims in my training, had briefly swam in the wetsuit ONCE for all of 3 minutes, and had never swam farther than 800 Meters. And I still crushed the swim in just under 45 minutes. Not an amazing time, but I came out of the water barely winded and ready to make the rest of the race my bitch. And then everything went to shit.

Now, I’m not the strongest cyclist. Most of it is me, obviously. The bike is only as good as its engine, and I’m not exactly a V8. More like a V4 Ecoboost. Without the eco boost. My main enemy is wind resistance and hills. Riding a fairly heavy road bike, and being a fairly heavy guy for my height (triathlon wise anyway), and being about as aerodynamic as a full bred Russian Boar makes those things a nightmare for me. That’s no excuse, but it did make things a lot harder. And it REALLY made my lack of training shine. Clydesdale after Clydesdale passed me, and I realized that my gear wasn’t the problem, I was. However, I managed to cruise at 16.5 MPH regardless. Not a great time, but hell, I had a headwind, and I would make cutoff. And then I hit the turnaround, and things got bad fast.

After taking a quick pit stop and grabbing some Cliff Shots, I attempted to mount my bike. And for the first time ever, I fell over while clipping in. I had managed to avoid it for nearly a year, and was proud to say I had never fallen over. That ended quickly. I managed to get up and get going after a few seconds of cussing and swearing vengeance against the trickster god who was clearly fucking with me. I immediately noticed something was wrong. Why was it so hard to get back up to speed, and what was that squeaking? Marvelous, my brake hood was cocked inwards, and my front disk brake was slightly engaged. Not enough to stop me, but enough to stop the wheel from spinning freely. No matter, I’ll power on. I had enough of a buffer that 2 MPH slower wasn’t going to DNF me. And then I realized that the headwind I felt going out was not, in fact, a headwind. It was a slightly to the side tailwind. >OhNo.jpeg. NOW I was riding into the headwind. And it was going to work me for all I was worth. I had to switch into the small gear for the first time in my life. I was struggling to maintain 11.5MPH. No matter, I thought, this is gonna suck, but I have enough of a lead that I’ll make cutoff. And then I slowed to 10. Then 9. The squeaking was getting worse, so I scavenged a full water bottle that someone had sent flying. I desperately tried squirting water on the front brake to maybe give it slightly better lubrication. Surprisingly, it worked. Until shit went tits up, literally.

While doing this particular stunt one time, I managed to lean too far forward, get hit by a particularly nasty gust, AND avoid a water bottle on the path all at the same time. I then had the pleasure of experiencing my first bike crash! This race was full of first experiences! About 1.5 seconds later, I was on my back, seeing starts, knee gashed, other knee starting to swell, arm and shoulder throbbing, and worst of all, I’m pretty sure I scuffed my new saddle JUST enough to render it unreturnable. So there goes that fit guarantee! After a few minutes of bitching and swearing to the Old Gods and the New that I would smite whomever was responsible for that water bottle in the road, I managed to mount my trusty, broke steed for another 10 miles. And as I approached the final aid station, and glanced at the time, I realized my lack of training was coming for its due. Despite the bad weather, despite all my gear failures, and despite my all around shitty luck, I could have finished. I missed cutoff by 4 minutes. 4 minutes of a 3:30 hour ride. 4 minutes of a 40 minuet swim. 4 minutes of extra effort. Gone.

I’m a “Balling on a Budget” triathlete. While not the poorest in this sport, I definitely don’t have money to waste. And $500 on registration, lodging, and gas is a HUGE hit to me. Enough that I can really only do 1 Ironman branded event per year. Hell, on my motivation board, I have “YOU PAID $2600 TO BECOME AND IRONMAN SO FAR. DON’T LET THAT MONEY GO TO WASTE!” This sport has claimed almost all of my disposable income the past year, plus some. The financial burden of this failure was almost worse than anything else. And the realization that I let all that time and money go to waste was crushing. While being driven back to the transition area, I strongly considered selling all my gear and getting out of the sport. Cutting my losses and paying off some debt. Putting this whole thing behind me. It would allow me to focus on my PFT, powerlifting, and bodybuilding. The types of physical activity I prefer. Lord knows it would greatly increase my ammo budget. That would be the smart thing to do, right? Accept the fact I’m not cut out for the dedication this sport takes, and move on with my life.

Well, in case you didn’t read the first paragraph, I’m not a smart man. I joined the Marine Corps and failed college. So clearly I’m a bit of dumbass.

Failure will not be my legacy with this sport. This was a wakeup call. If I want the title of Ironman, I’m going to have to work for it, and work harder at it than anything else in my life. My plan has not changed: Ironman Texas 2019. I will NOT back away from that. But I need to evaluate my discipline, my work ethic, and my training. From here on, I must make EVERY workout be as intense as possible. I must fall into bed EVERY NIGHT exhausted from training and work, and rise every morning with wrath in my heart and bloodlust in my soul. I must look at the weakness in my and kill it, because if I fail to do so, it will kill me. I must forge on ahead, ready for the hardest 12 months of training in my life. My lofty goal of qualifying for Kona in 2020 seems all the further away, but luckily I have one simple phrase to get me through:

“Fuck it.”

And so we go.

#ironman #triathlon #galveston #failure #motivation

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