#I really thought I'd have to take these meds for the rest of my life man

[valkyrie-ellis]

TW: substance abuse / addiction

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I'm 1 year clean and no longer in need of my withdrawal medication starting today... I feel like I've finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel :)

#I really thought I'd have to take these meds for the rest of my life man #I can't believe I did it #I don't even recognize the person I was a year ago #cw substance abuse #cw addiction #tw substance abuse #tw addiction

[scarletts-scribbles]

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭

Hey! Here's a compiled list of prompts for people to use, feel free to submit any of these for requests or to use in your own writing. I didn't come up with all of these myself so check out the credited creators! Requests are not limited to these prompts, feel free to think of your own or change these up!

𝐑𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐆𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 «» 𝐑𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬: 𝐎𝐩𝐞𝐧

: ̗̀➛ 𝐅𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟

“I’d rather sit and do nothing with you than do anything with anyone else.”

“Would a hug make things better?”

"You wanna cuddle for the rest of the morning?"

"Just hold me?"

"You're being extra cuddly this morning."

"Quiet night on the couch?"

“You make me want to be the best I can be.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you like to be the little spoon.”

“Do I really have to spell it out for you?”

“You look really cute in my clothes.”

“You’re special. People like you don’t come around often.”

“I’ve only ever loved you.”

"You're hogging the blankets."

"May I have this dance?"

“Are you blushing?! That’s adorable.”

“Breathtaking. You’re breathtaking.”

“You should smile more often, it looks good on you.”

“Did you just kiss me to shut me up?”

“Should we make it official?”

“Can you wash my hair for me?” 

"You're crazy if you think I'm letting you sleep on the couch."

"Can I braid your hair?"

"I'm not giving up on you, ever. I promise you.”

“You’re being very unsubtle with your heart eyes for them.” 

“I’m proud of you, no matter what.”

"You're the worst, I love you so much."

"You got me flowers?"

: ̗̀➛ 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭

“Did you ever really love me?”

"Why did you come back?"

“You couldn’t just let me have this, could you?”

“Just because you hate your life doesn’t mine to get to dictate mine!”

“Look what you’ve done…”

"You promised you wouldn’t forget me."

“I don’t have an attitude, I just answered your question.”

“Please say something!”

"I get it! You're jealous!"

“Us? There was never an ‘us’.”

“Is this how it really ends?”

“Why can’t you be happy for me for once?”

“It’s too late for ‘I’m sorries’.”

"I thought I'd lost you forever."

“Ha… I told you you’d outlive me.” 

“Since when did you ever care about me?!”

“Tell me how I’m supposed to un-love you, then. Tell me. Spare me.” 

“Kiss me one last time?

“Why did you think you could change this?! You’re nothing!”

“This is all your fault.”

“I vouched for you! How could you?!"

"God, how blind can you be?"

“You’re either a fool for not knowing or an idiot for not doing something!”

: ̗̀➛ 𝐇𝐮𝐫𝐭/𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭

“Shut up and just let me take care of you!”

“Either go to bed and get some rest willingly, or I will drag your ass down the hall kicking and screaming. you know i’ll have no problem with either option.”

"How long have you been hiding this?"

“And just when were you planning to tell me you were sick?"

“Please be okay. Please be okay, please be okay—”

“You’re awfully quiet today.”

“Get behind me.”

“Here, lean on me. I can carry you.”

“Hey! Hey, relax it was just a nightmare, I’m right here.”

“You dumbass. Don’t do that. Ever again.”

“Try and get some sleep. I’ll stay right here- I won’t let anything happen to you, I swear.”

“We’re gonna fix you up, brand new. I promise.”

“Bless you! Jesus that nearly gave me a heart attack, how about a little warning next time?”

“Your hands are freezing! come here, let me warm you up.”

“Show me?”

“Your bedside manner is awful.”

“Your not exactly a good patient.”

"Did you eat something bad?"

“Would you like a heating pad?”

“I think I just started my period…”

“Oh darling, this fever, you’re totally burning up.”

“You can sleep in my bed, if it'd be of any help.”

"How many fingers am I holding up? ... I don't have six fingers."

“What the hell happened to you?”

“Did you remember to take your meds this morning?”

“Don’t be stupid, now sit down before you pass out.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Stay?”

“Who did this to you?”

“You’re not fine! You’re bleeding for gods sake!”

: ̗̀➛ 𝐒𝐦𝐮𝐭

"I want to taste you so badly." 

"Make me beg for it." 

"Oh I can do this all night long." 

"Be a good girl and use your words darling." 

"You surprise me every day." 

"Let's find out how much you want it." 

"Kiss me, I can't wait any longer." 

"Come on, please, do it." 

“Don’t worry, I’d take you out for dinner before I eat you out for dessert. It’s the polite thing to do.”  

"Do you like it when I talk like that?" 

"Oh, you like that?" 

"Hmm, you're not very patient, are you?" 

"Well, let's see what happens tonight." 

“I’ll be gentle, baby.  Don’t worry.” 

"Can you kiss it better?" 

"Keep the noise down, baby.  Someone's gonna walk in." 

“God, you look amazing like this.” 

"Let’s put that smart mouth to good use.” 

"Oh, you're hard to please." 

"I had a very nice dream that started like this." 

"Can you be good for me?" 

"It's so hot when you talk like that." 

"I'll go as long as you need." 

prompt sources: @.scealaiscoite, @.sleepywriter00, @.dumplingsjinson, @.euthymiaaa, @.novelbear, @.luvmmarner, @.promptsbytaurie, @.creativepromptsforwriting, @.rosewritingprompts

#prompt list #prompts #fluff prompts #angst prompts #smut prompts #hurt/comfort prompts #requests #mcu #supergirl

[bruciemilf]

i have a no capes au stuck in my head

clark kent goes to gotham to interview battinson and half way thru realizes that battinson never really had a chance to actually live, to enjoy life, so instead he decides to go sightseeing with battinson for the rest of the day they're together.

im talking trying out the best hotdog places, going bowling, ice skating and rock climbing, having dinner at 3pm and if any paparazzi comes over to try anything, clark will give them the scariest fricking glare. the day ends with them sitting on a rooftop, staring at the beautiful sunset.

bruce finally gets to see the beautiful part of gotham, that gotham isn't all guns and violence. clark stays the night and in the morning, alfred and bruce are shocked to see breakfast already cooked (apple pie). after breakfast, clark goes "ready for sightseeing day two?"

NO CAPES AU MY BELOVED- Bruce is just... Incredibly nervous to meet Clark Kent, aka his favourite Daily Planet reporter; He's heard Clark rip into billionaires and pick his teeth with men like Bruce. Sure, - Bruce ACTUALLY puts his privilege to good use, but will that be enough?

That's how he ends up hiding under his desk with his security team and secretary trying to fish him out; I'd also love it if WE's security staff was made of like. Macho gym bros with valid energy.

" Come on, bro! He's not gonna be THAT bad."

" Dude, don't call Mr. Wayne " bro" , bro!"

" Nah bro, he likes it. Come on Bruce- Bro, I'll tell Rachel to bring you your anxiety meds. We got you, dude."

Bruce's secretary has no time for this foolishness and drags him to Clark by the ear. Bruce is naturally so shy and introverted, but Clark has all the patience in the world.

Everyone in Gotham already knows Bruce because that dork goes out with his kids ALL the time; I need Gothamites to hype him up so badly, especially the old ladies at food trucks and little restaurants.

" Did you know that little Brucie here used to volunteer at soup kitchens all the time with his folks? And now his rich butt does the same with his kids! You should write about that, cuz that Lex guy could learn a thing or two"

" Bruce here? Paid for that son of mine to go to college, - hell, 60% of kids can afford school cuz of him! Oh don't tell me to be quiet, I said what I said and said right!"

Bruce sports a permanent blush the whole time and Clark definetly wants to pet his hair. Give me Battinson marvelling at just how far Gotham improved with his help, thought.

It's still the same old heavy aired, monochromatic block of shadows, but during daylight? Bruce loves feeding the ducks by the park. " Evil. Evil creatures. Feed." While throwing food at them, and Clark has to struggle not to laugh sjsjs

Give me Bruce who stops mid date (is it a date, Clark wonders. He hopes it is.) To stop and say hi to garbage collectors (they're on first name basis, Clark notices) and off the clock sex workers who flirt just to send him in an embarrassed frenzy.

But everywhere they go, they all regard Clark with the same gaze. Take care of him, it reads. And yeah, Clark wants to say, that's all I really want to do

Clark NEEDS to get Bruce in Metropolis; Because he has the cosiest apartment if Bruce doesn't like being outside. With... Just as fun attractions...

#asks #superbat #battinson #clark kent #bruceclark #dc #dc comics #dc imagines #soft bruce wayne #bruce wayne #batman #text #text post #fluff

[fbfh]

hii! could I request headcanons for leo and a reader (gender neutral or female, whatever u prefer) with chronic fatigue? there's barely any fics with cfs rep and he's my comfort character so i thought i'd ask T-T. i adore your writing and it's great to see that the hoo fandom is still alive. thank you sm!!

oh man oh boy I love this one anon. my dearest darlingest anoniest anon. one song that always makes me think of how it feels to be in a relationship with Leo is acolyte by slaughter beach dog. Leo can always tell when your fatigue is getting bad, sometimes before you can. There's this sort of soft way he looks at you when he knows you just need to rest a little. Whatever your needs are, Leo will always be sure to meet them. If you need to lay down and sleep or rest for a while, he'll make sure you're in optimum napping conditions. Need some cuddles? he's already spooning you. Need to be alone? no problem, he's gonna work on some of his prototypes in the garage for a while, just text or call if you need anything. forehead kiss. longing warm gaze.

"I love you, estrella."

punctuated by another kiss, ofc. he always has ibuprofen or other pain killers for when you start to feel achy, and he's better at helping you keep track of your meds than your pill tracker app. Leo's love language is "I invented this for you to make your life easier", like the guy who invented rubber gloves. Leo loves you to the point of invention. he's joked for years that he's going to build you a Jetsons house, so everything is perfectly automated. all you need to do is sit in a chair while you glide down an assembly line and everything will be done for you. sometimes you text him and tell him you're having a jane jetson day. he always comes right over with snacks and tea and anything else you might need. he'll cuddle you for a while, help you out with some housework, do a little meal prep for you. he never, ever makes you feel bad or even neutral about having chronic fatigue. if it ever gets you down, he'll be right there with hugs and kisses and the sweetest, softest, most encouraging words. he tells you how he would hold up the sky for you or crawl out of hell, so helping with laudry and dishes when you're having a bad day is really no problem at all for him. he's happy to do it, happy to know your needs are met, happy to be the one to meet them. if you get any other symptoms like headaches or sore throats, he'll get every home remedy under the sun from his mom and you'll try them out until he finds what will work for you. Leo slowly makes good on his joking promise to make you a jetsons house, and you soon find your place filled with inventions here and there from Leo, little things to make your life easier. and they work. it takes so much stress out of your life knowing that your dish washer can now rinse, wash, dry, and put away your dishes, that your fridge organizes itself and prints out lists of what you're running low on - it can even send them to your phone to automatically order them. you have a roomba that Leo turned into the monster truck of roombas. not only does it vaccuum, but it also sweeps, mops, picks up your floor, can get you stuff from other rooms, and folds laundry. it's also a dehumidifier. you named him mr. butlertron. and Leo loves every motherfucking moment of it. even if all you can do is sit or lay down in the same room as him while he cleans or cooks or works on his projects, it always makes it so much better because you're there. you're there with him, so everything is good. perfect.

#drabbles #leo valdez #leo valdez drabbles #leo valdez fluff #heroes of olympus #heroes of olympus drabbles #heroes of olympus x reader #heroes of olympus fluff #chronic fatigue #chronically ill!reader #chronically ill reader #leo is SO fucking supportive #he just loves being around you

[kimbapisnotsushi]

here are some more miscellaneous post-ts headcanons but this time we're not going pro teams we're taking a walk on the side of your average working adult let's go!!

okay let's be real do we REALLY think lev is in charge of his own social media accounts bc i feel like that's a dumpster fire waiting to happen

i'm going to say yes because it's funny as hell

he tweets things like "lol i worked with [insert older veteran actor here] today i had no idea he was such an asshole" and gets frantic phone calls from the pr team like three seconds after posting

his instagram is also full of like. really blurry casual pics and just doesn't look professionally curated at all but the fans love him for it

i'm actually super curious as to whether he gets typecasted a lot and if so i'd love to know what it is

i want to say goofy comic relief side character?? so when he gets selected for a serious drama role nobody is expecting him to blow it out of the water but he does!!!!!!

also another thing lev does that gives his pr team a heart attack is when he posts anything vaguely related to his love life. which funnily enough are the only quality non-shitposts he does himself

like you've got the aesthetic silhouettes against a wall, the hands intertwined on a candlelit table, the vague tweets of "so lucky to wake up next to you. wish it would never end <3" and everyone's going WILD trying to figure out who it is

(and, well, nobody is going to notice shibayama yuuki liking the posts amidst all the other pro volleyball players who do, right?)

shirabu's got a rep in med school for having the worst fucking bedside manner of all time

well not really i think he's like. the kind where fellow/older colleagues and such judge him for it and they think that he could stand to be a LITTLE bit nicer but if he works with kids or whatever i bet the kids would actually really like him.

he's dry and straightforward and calm and takes them seriously and treats them like adults. the only thing he does to baby them is dumb down the medical jargon into an explanation they can actually understand

ugh shirabu actually makes me really soft for what an asshole he is

oh but if you're a bitch ass bastard for no reason he'll try to be as snarky as he can be without like. getting reported to hr or whatever

sorry i know this probably isn't how medical professionalism works irl once again i just think it'd be really funny

also can i just say that i think it's the funniest fucking thing that komi became an actor. like where the hell did THAT come from

i feel like he got thrust into doing a role for a class play during cultural festival season and got hooked on it probably? because literally when else would he have the time to get into/practice that kind of shit

that's probably a fun fact he drops during a magazine interview or something LMAAAAO

"yeah volleyball practice took up most of my time, and i never really thought about doing anything else. but then things changed in my third year of high school when i got cast for cinderella . . ."

speaking of fukurodani. yukie and kaori my beloveds

i skipped out on them during my managers post which i regret deeply and dearly so here they are!!

full disclaimer i don't know how sports promoters actually work i'm assuming they promote whatever sports games they are assigned instead of just sticking to one sport only? which means that whenever kaorie gets her hands on something that isn't volleyball she gets a dozen texts from bokuto moaning about betrayal and treason and all that

when kaori gets with someone she meets through work (so someone on a pro sports team) the rest of fukurodani are like "okay but he's a BASEBALL PLAYER" as if being a baseball player is the most atrocious thing a person could be

kaori's like "guys come ON i told him all of you were cool!" and everyone's like "now why in the world would you tell him that"

yukie has a decently popular cooking channel that is loved not for her yummy recipes or her aesthetic filming but because none of her kitchenware matches

she just collects whatever she likes + a bunch of shit that's been gifted to her and while it should make her kitchen look cluttered it's all just very cozy and lived-in

like. all her pots and pans are different colors and themes. no pair of chopsticks are the same. she has a ladle shaped like a dinosaur and a teapot glazed with magnolias on the side

her recipes DO slap tho she and osamu collab a lot

UGH i love them living nice fulfilling adult lives i wish that were me

#hey guys i am. slowly trying to get back in the game!! #haiba lev #shibayama yuuki #komi haruki #shirabu kenjirou #shirofuku yukie #suzumeda kaori #shibalev #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu hcs #sou says stuff

[hime-bee]

"Also I'd let this old man hit it raw but that's just me"

omg hoederer unlocking a secret breeding kink he didn't know he had?? poor guy is just so tired and weighed down from life so why not just give him some pussy to at least get him through the week, however many times he wants until he feels just a smidge better. letting him hit it raw for the first time, as a little treat, and moaning that he's gonna knock you up with how much he's spilling inside your needy cunt.

the thing is, he knows that he can't afford to become a father, much less a decent enough one (or one who isn't infected). the guilt of it would eat him up alive, but fuck, the risk of it, your squelching cunt clamping tightly onto his dick and you chanting his name with that hazy and love stricken expression just makes something inside him snap. and just like that, he's taken away the reigns you've always had by pummeling into you like his very life depends on it. he's not usually one to be this rough, but you aren't gonna complain when he's this deadset on knocking you up.

he might have complicated feelings towards you, but damn if he doesn't know how to fuck you so hard and good that all you can think about is his dick. and getting endlessly bred by him of course.

(really sorry about your hand :(( i hope it gets better!! and pls pls don't feel bad about taking a break, you ABSOLUTELY deserve it! >33 enjoy this lil hoederer thirst and i hope it makes you feel a bit better >:3c)

A-are you in my head, Lati??? CUZ I'M HAVING SIMILAR THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS OLD MAN-

Just... Being so hypnotized by the pussy that he throws caution to the wind and abandons all his morals and inhibitions, all for pussy 😩 There's just something about a man like that, my God you know my type LOL. Bless you for this Hoederer thirst, Lati, I shall be saving this for various reasons 😌💞💞 Fuck Buddy Hoederer???

And thank you for the well wishes!! I think I overdid it a bit yesterday, but pain meds and rest today will help, I'm sure! 😍 This thirst makes me wanna write tho ngl 😩 I'll try to refrain... For now-

#got me kickin my feet and shit this early in the morning LMAO #Hoederer sir pls just one chance #this pussy is therapeutic babey #n/sfw #arknights #arknights hoederer

[qveerthe0ry]

Hi you! 🍓 🥤 & 🪐 for the ask game pls?

Hello friend! <3 Thank you for playing ilysm

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

This one is wild. It was a long, long time ago, probably around 2008 or maybe a bit earlier. I was an absolute emo rascal in middle school, very into Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco and the likes, and as one does, I was taking those "which member of Fall Out Boy is your soulmate" quizzes on QUIZILLA. Remember that site? And I believe that's when I stumbled upon my very first fanfiction. Probably Pete Wentz/Ryan Ross, if I had to make a wild guess. And I had always been into writing stories, like as early as 2nd grade I remember. So the next logical step was to write about emo boys kissing, obviously. The rest is history. I like to think I've come a loooooong way since then lmao

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

This is rude, Gideon. There are so so SO many. I think I'd like to shout out @ezrasbirdie and their fic Bright Lights ft. Dieter and nd!reader because I just finished reading the last chapter recently and I am so extremely obsessed. Bridie's writing just hits me SO hard in the feels every time, as everyone knows I'm also like, the #1 Catalyst stan. The way I actually feel all the emotions deep in my chest when I'm reading her fics is just INCREDIBLE. I can't get over it.

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

1.) I'm going to an NHL game for free tomorrow!!

2.) I'm finally taking care of my health after a lot of anxiety around going to the doctor, I got the meds I need and I'm eating healthier and going on walks after work - which leads me to my third thing ->

3.) I have NEVER been more motivated to write than I have recently. Like I pumped out that threesome fic in RECORD time, I'm a chapter ahead of LATK, and I'm steadily working on my WIPs that are clogging my google docs. I really think I owe it mostly to my daily walks. I work from home and it's very easy for me to just not leave my apartment for DAYS, but these 30 minute walks every day have been a huge way to reset after working and also think about smut plot and organize my thoughts. Also I obviously owe it to Pedro too, and you and @perotovar and @for-a-longlongtime for letting me yell at y'all about my ideas <3

#ask game

[mdhwrites]

A Beautiful Understanding: Envision a Rose Forthcoming

There are many things that Honkai Star Rail has surprised me with, especially within its sidequests. Ones with silly twists, neat ideas and just simply good execution. With my issues with Penacony's main story though, there was certainly one element that I hadn't been prepared to see amongst it all. Spoilers ahead for the sidequest: Envision a Rose Forthcoming

I was tempted to screen grab essentially this entire final conversation but I only grabbed two. This first one probably resonates with many of you though. It is something anyone with depression has had to face, especially in their darkest hours. During those times when it is so loud that it feels all consuming. Like there is only it.

Worse yet, Cocona talks of compromises she's made with the voice. Parts of herself she corrupted or cut off in order to appease it. To try and mold herself into what could be happy and to lose that which causes her pain. To appease others but especially to appease this voice that will not stop.

Until the voice was all there was.

I characterize in my own works the idea that when someone goes to that darkest place, there isn't really thought. Nothing can penetrate the void that's consuming you as the misery is all that faces you back. Personifying it as a voice that cuts all else out, that has you entirely in its grip, is a great other way to put it though. When your thoughts tell you that yes, cutting the nose to spite the face is exactly what will help, even if both are a part of you.

But.

It is not wholly cold, nor is your intervention a miracle that cures her. To get this, you have to stay with her. Refuse to let her disappear, even as she asks you to allow it. Make sure she knows SOMEONE cares. Someone is refuting the voice that seems to be her entire reality. You are there for her and that's what matters. Admittedly, you do it by grabbing her hand and not letting go and I'd prefer it to be that it's that you simply won't leave but that's really my only complaint with the sequence.

Otherwise, I think it's just an incredible depiction of someone at the brink. The rest of the quest does a good job depicting her depression as well. You literally have to fight and destroy her ego as she wants to stop having desires and caring about her dreams so that it's easier to forget the pain but things only get worse for it. You see her outside of her mindscape struggling to even pretend to be happy and people talk about how despite the fact that she has a good job is well respected, she is still miserable for no reason. The fact that a doctor who just wants to literally cleanse her of the emotion of sadness says this makes me want to punch them in the face and it frankly sold me on The Family being corrupt and crooked more than literally anything in the main plot since this is what they believe to be a good 'doctor'. You can see the struggle though and do you know what happens when you give Cocona the medicine?

She refuses to take it. She performatively does but she has her memories and emotions back and doesn't want the numb. Doesn't want something that only makes the pain tolerable. As someone who has to look at his own medication, after so many failed and even now still trying even old ones to see if they'll do something now... A common fear for many is that the meds will make them lose who they are. That they deaden life and I'm happy that the game didn't depict that as a positive. That cutting those things off isn't how you get better.

It's just a shockingly respectful depiction of depression, even to the point of wishing for it to end, and that's kind of the last thing I actually expected to see in Star Rail. Even larger games that are trying to be deep and contemplative with their main stories on these subjects can end up shooting themselves in the foot. Try to act like there is just a cure or that it can be fixed all too easily. To treat it like a disease that just needs the right medication.

And admittedly, to give this sidequest a happy ending, they have her find joy in life again through a passion she'd been forced to put down. As someone who is happiest when they're able to write though... Embracing the bright side of yourself, and finding those clouds parted enough to allow you to do so, can genuinely do wonders for someone. As far as ways to wrap this up, in a SIDEQUEST, it's very good and well setup as the way she may escape her dark days, at least in a way we can believe will stick.

It's a good reminder for me of why I still want to stick with this game. I don't consider a good portion of Penacony's main story content to be sincere. Its sincere elements are to some extent twisted for insincere uses and it sours my favorite parts of the content. That isn't how Star Rail always is though. When it just wants to tell a good story with good, heartfelt characters, it knocks it out of the park with shocking regularity.

It's why Belobog will continue to be my favorite world and I'll keep waiting for the next time they believe such a simple tale can be strong enough to lead us somewhere new. That it can be hold the audience at the brink, without feeling the need to let them go just for the shock of it.

Not when it itself knows better than to glorify such a fall.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

#hsr #Penacony #honkai star rail #honkai spoilers

[grumelot123]

Part 6 of "I'm trying so hard to hate you"!! (I know 2 parts in one night is crazy)

Sorry this part is really short, I needed to give u guys a happy part before I piled angst on you!

Tw: Mention of character death (BUT I WILL NEVER LET ANY MAIN CHARACTER DIE, I REFUSE), slight angst but they make up before the end of this so it's ok, cussing.

Crowley Pov!

"GET DOWN!"

I hear Anathema scream from the kitchen, i duck behind a couch and hear an explosion, my head is pounding but nothing was really affected in here other than some fallen debris and knocked over things.

Aziraphale.

I hear Anathema call from the kitchen.

"CROWLEY, AZIRAPHALE HURT! GET MY MED KIT IT'S IN MY ROOM! UPSTAIRS TAKE A LEFT"

By the time her words actually hit me I'm already racing up the steps taking a left and seeing the med kit on her bed, i grab it and practically jump down the steps, sprinting to the kitchen as if my life depends on it.

As I run into the kitchen I see Aziraphale on the floor just lying there, helpless, barely breathing.

I couldn't save him.

I stand back and watch as Anathema is doing all sorts of things like checking his blood pressure, temperature, etc. as i just stand there. helpless.

this is my fault. he didn't want to go in here in the first place but i made him. im fucking stupid. he's better off without me.

"I can practically hear you overthinking. This isn't your fault. It's none of ours. We didn't know this was going to happen. There was no way of telling. So don't beat yourself up about it, ok?"

Am I really that easy to read?

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

I know how nervous and scared I sounded but it was true. I am fucking terrified.

"Can you help me carry him to the living room? He will most likely be okay, he has some minor scratches and definitely bruising on his head but he should be fine. Just needs some rest."

"I can just pick him up on my own"

So that's exactly what I did. Picked him up bridal style and brought him to the couch. Then after got him a pillow, blanket, and some water.

"He'll be up in an hour or so."

"Ok.."

So we sat. In silence, not saying anything. Till Anathema broke the silence.

"How long have you 2 been dating?"

Er..

"To be honest? Only for a couple days. I mean we've had feelings for eachother for at least 1 thousand years, but Heaven and Hell had ears everywhere, blocking us from ever really showing our true feelings."

She studied me for a moment then said.

"Do you love him? Because not to be nosy, but it really seems like you love him. The whole entire time you sat in here in silence you seemed to never take your eyes off him."

She's right. His face looked so calm but also pained. His breathing was calm and he seemed comfortable. But oh so beautiful.

"Of course I love him. I think I've loved him longer than he's loved me. Aziraphale is the most important person to me. If he dies I don't know what I'll fucking do."

Anathema looked from Aziraphale to me and just chuckled a bit to herself. Then softly said.

"He should be waking up in a couple of minutes, I'll go make tea."

As soon as she stood up I was making my way to the couch.

I'll just sit here till he wakes up.

And almost on cue he started to sit up with a pained expression on his face.

"C-Crowley?" His voice came out as a whisper, and very hoarse.

"Hello Angel, here have some water."

I picked up the water bottle and brought it to his lips, never taking his eyes off me.

"You fucking scared me Aziraphale. I thought I'd had lost you for a minute."

As I took the water down and closed the cap, I felt a pair of warm hands on my face. As I looked up I saw my angel with tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry for scaring you like that. Are you okay Crowley?"

Am I okay? Why is he asking if I am okay? He just almost died.

"Are you?"

We both stared at each other for a moment and then started laughing.

"No I suppose we aren't okay" I said, moving to sit up by him on the couch.

"No..but we can not be okay together right?"

"Yes. Yes I suppose we can."

End of Part 6!

Part 7 will end happy too btw but there will be a lot more of angst and a rollercoaster of emotions so I decided to give you guys a happy break.

#good omens #crowly x aziraphale #ineffable husbands #small part #calm before the storm #aziracrow

[termagax]

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

i'm gonna paste all of them here under a cut!

❤️ how did they meet? was it love at first sight, immediate enemies, or something in between? they meet through the alf which. i think i conceptualize that differently than overwatch does but thats besides the point here. 🐟 was a med student who thought it would be fun to go do volunteer field medic stuff and then got in way over their head, hog is some dipshit who gets hurt a lot, so they see a lot of each other. idk if i'd call it "love" at first sight but there is definetly immediate attraction and neither of them are very shy about acting on it, so theres a lot of obvious flirting for the first few weeks.

🧡 how do they become friends? do they ask up front or is it a gradual realization? again they just kind of see a lot of each other by proximity and they already kind of like each other so they might maybe go a liiiitle out of their way to hang out.

💛 what are their favorite activities to do together? or what do they usually do when they spend time together? they're both really into his motorcycle and spend a lot of time messing with it, fishing, shooting practice, doing whatever random stuff needs doing for their Jobs, listening to music, drinking, ect.

💚 do they both realize they have a crush early on, or does it take them forever to realize? again its pretty immediate, and i think annie realizes really really quickly that they want something more with him. ithink it probably takes him a little longer to get there

🩵 do they both act different once they realize they’re falling for the other? maybe stuttering or fidgeting or daydreaming more often? ithink the most obvious sign to other people was just that they get really really clingy. once theyve gone from casually hooking up to In Love TM theyre basically never out of arms reach of each other.

💙 do they pine and yearn for each other quietly, or can they not stop talking about the other to their friends/family? they arent subtle about any of it at all even from the beginning, they're all over each other to the point it would probably be embarrassing to anyone else.

💜 how do they confess? is it a grand gesture or in a more mundane moment? i think the first "i love you" comes a morning after a hookup a few months into it where he's made them breakfast and they say it sleepy style without even noticing they said it and he just goes O//_//O and tucks that information away for Later. they never properly talk about it or even formally move from casual thing -> relationship thing -> i want to spend the rest of my life with you thing it just sort of happens and they both feel like theyre on the same page without having to talk about it. which kind of causes problems for them later on down the line but. alas.

#🐟 #MY THINGIESSSSSS #this is great ive actually been writing something with them baby style so this was fun to sit down and think through

[oopsifuckedmylifeup]

I love my daughter I really do. But I also hate her. I know thats not something you should say as a parent but I can't handle her anymore. She pushes all of my buttons she takes all of my patients. She take away time I should give to my son. My son feels neglected because I have to deal with my daughter 24/7. He's acting out at school and he says it's because mom doesn't spend time with him. I want to spend time with him, I'd rather be spending time with him, but instead I'm giving all of my attention to my daughter.

She is sucking the life out of me. I've thought about adoption... its definitely crossed my mind. But I don't want my daughter to wonder why mommy doesn't want her. But the truth is... I don't. I don't want her anymore. I'm stuck with this child that will do anything to be bad.

My soul is tired. I'm tried everything. I've looked into respite care and heard nothing back.. I just want a fucking break. Parenting is already hard but parenting a child with ODD and ADHD plus a sleeping disorder is even harder.

What did I do to deserve this?! Why won't her POS father get off his phone and help me with her?! Thats the only reason his dumbass is even here.

My soul is tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I want to give up. I just want to end it all. End me. Finally be set free and rest.

I love my daughter but I resent her. I regret having her. I'm stuck with her.

I know this all sounds bad and I sound like a bad mom but I don't care at this point... I'm tired. I want it all to end.

Someone save me from this fucking nightmare I am living. There is no such thing as relaxation for me.

Her teachers asked me "Ashley what do you do for yourself?" I had no answer. I don't do anything for myself. I don't have time.

I wake up get the kids ready throw my hair in a bun get my son to the bus stop and get my daughter to school then I work a full time job after that job I come home feed the kids dinner make sure they took their meds bathe them put my son to bed and then fight my daughter to go to sleep for hours. By the time thats done I'm EXHAUSTED. There is no time for me to do anything for myself. Weekend are even harder. Following my daughter around just trying to keep her alive and out of trouble constantly.

I hate my life. I fucking hate it. How did I end up here?? I'm burnt out. There is nothing left of me. I'm a soulless burnt out corpse on auto pilot everyday.

I love my daughter. She is made from me. I grew her in my tummy. She is one of the reasons I'm still alive today.... but she is also one of the reasons I don't want to be alive today.

#parenting #ODD #oppositional defiant disorder #adhd #life #daughter #love #mentalheathawareness #venting #im living a nightmare #autopilot

[horce-divorce]

Update for interested parties: the last few days were frought, the situation in Wisconsin was not what we had hoped it would be at all once we got here, and it ended up not working out. Too many people with not enough space and too many clashing needs. it ended up feeling very unsafe for everyone.

We're staying with a different friend instead now, and today their mom/owner of the property not only said we could stay here for the winter if we need to, but also was scheming to try and find us a pop-up trailer this morning which we were totally blown away by, she's wonderful. We still want the kind of mobility where we could take off again at a moments notice, so I'm sorting that out, but we're with friends and thankfully not in a rush to leave again anytime soon.

i'm not sure if a camper is what we'll end up with. It isn't quite as stealthy as i'd like (if we need to urban camp at all it doesnt really work), but it would certainly add a lot of space and be more than doable, and Bel really liked the idea. If that doesn't work out, I'll look at trading our current vehicle for a used camper van in a comparable price range. I've never done that before but I have time to do research.

Thanks to the donations this week, we were able to fill the tank and get Bels meds on the way out here, which was such a huge relief. That gives us at least another month to try to find a prescriber for another refill. We also got a great haul from the food pantry out here, which was fun because the lady we're staying with actually runs it and it's inside an abandoned building.

the pantry was already in the building when it wasn't abandoned. my friend's mom took it over and was allowed to keep it in its original space, but everyone else moved out. My friend had the keys, so they took us in thru the back and this series of totally unlit, crowded corridors with random appliances, furniture, books and clothes, all of it donated. it was one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had. I asked to go back to take more pictures, which is why the 2nd pic is lit better.

Their house is also really cool. It's an old farmhouse, much bigger, with fewer people here, and we have a proper room upstairs rather than in an unfinished basement. there's a super comfy bed in here, too. I actually haven't had back pain in the morning here, for the first time since my surgery in May!

Also, absolutely wild shit in the world of drugs: nary a weed dealer to be found in this area, because delta 8 has completely taken over the market. I was deeply unimpressed when I tried it a few years ago, but my friend got us a live resin hhc/cbd/cbg/thcp cartridge and........... I am stoned. Like PROPERLY stoned. I haven't been this properly stoned since like 2013. It does kinda give me a headache, but it also helps the pain and gives me munchies and helps me sleep just like real weed. I even remembered my dreams a bit better than with d9.

Anyway I'm very grateful for my queer community today, for my friends mom who has come to my rescue more times than my own mom, and for everyone who's been invested, sending us money, advice, locations to scope out, items, and links; everyone who's been reblogging; and even everyone who's just listening to us talk and post, watching quietly from the sidelines.

We still have to go retrieve the rest of our stuff from the last place (on Monday), and things always change in an instant. We still have a lot of complex feelings, and this week was especially hard for Bellamy. He's never been through all this before this year, and the 19th was the anniversary of his worst trauma, losing the only good and loving person in his life 6 years ago. To be kicked out specifically on that anniversary was brutal. it made me wish I'd never brought him here. I really thought we'd be better off with that friend than on our own for the winter, and I made a mistake.

But we will still be okay. For now, we aren't alone, we're with good friends in a safe place, we've got food and meds and gas. We even have another place to stay if we change our minds. We check in with each other and process our feelings multiple times per day. It's still hard to get used to coming and going all the time; we stay in one place just long enough to get comfy and then we take off again, which is never long enough form a routine. So we're trying to learn how to do that for ourselves, based on our own needs, rather than around the location. But we're getting used to that, and each other's habits. When I go out to the car for supplies it smells like home in there.

It's hard feeling like we don't belong anywhere, like strangers care more about our wellbeing than our actual families. My dad did give us the car, and six months of insurance. He even renewed my license for me. But neither of my parents checks in on me, asks where we are or how we're doing. My mom seems to be getting more reactionary in her old age; not only did my transition cause a rift between us, she's now doubling down on trying to "cure" my autistic cousin when she knows that for both of us (and for Bel), our autism is a source of pride. She knows my disabilities and neurodivergence are what started this housing instability 10 years ago. She knows my health has been worsening. She doesn't text or call. All of you following this story on here know more about how and where we are than she does.

But times like this show us who our real friends and family are, and it's not the people who've left us to our own devices out here. It's everyone who's been stepping in to ask, "How are you doing? Can I send you anything? Do you need to talk? I love you. I want you to make it." The random guy we met hiking who never told us his name but who told us, "I hope you guys thrive. I really do." It's everyone who's sent us another $10 for our supplies because I haven't spent long enough in one spot to get any work done. It's the people who have never even met us before who offered to take Bel's cats indefinitely, or to let us come stay with them across the country. It's everyone who's pitching together to buy us more time when we need it. Everyone who sees us and bears witness and feels something about it.

At the end of the day, we sort of are choosing this lifestyle; if we wanted out, we would have to stay in one place longer than winter, get jobs, save money, find our own housing. But we kind of don't. Despite the hardships, despite what this journey is revealing about ourselves and the people we thought we could trust, we feel like it suits us to live out of the car. We go where we want, when we want. We don't have to answer to anyone else's schedule. If we want to go south or west when it's cold and visit our friends, all we need is the gas money and the OK to come over. We love the woods and we love living out there. It feels distant and lonely sometimes, but so right. We like getting to bounce around and meet each other's people. We want to see the old growth and the redwoods and the mountains and the seaside and the grand canyon. We want to go to Cuba and Vietnam and Iceland and Denmark. Maybe our health won't allow for us to do absolutely everything we want, but working underpaid jobs and paying rent absolutely won't allow for it. We have a better chance at our dreams now. We can lose our place to stay again and be fine and just keep going; it's not the end of the world. It's what we planned on doing, anyway. No big deal.

Living in the car has already allowed us to do more and have more adventures in just 3 months than we did in 2 whole years of us both being housed. We do have a lot to process emotionally and there's a lot on our plates; it's hard, and we do need a lot of help. It's not always good. Not having access to the internet when we're running out of money and gas and food; not having anywhere to bathe; having to go long distances to collect water even when we're not feeling well; losing things because i put them in the wrong place and drove off; that doesn't even begin to scratch on converting the car for stealth camping, choosing our routes and places to scope for campsites in new areas, or trying to figure out which supplies would actually be more helpful and cost effective in the long run.

But it's still not really any worse than the rat race to stay employed and be good renters. It's just different. And after 10 years of housing instability, and waiting for something to change, it hasn't. I'm growing more and finding more peace by just leaning into it. Trauma and bullshit never ends. Life doesn't ever stop for you so you can think about what just happened; there's never gonna be a perfect, calm time for you to digest everything and then move on strengthened and changed for the next main event. You have to learn how to do all that and keep living no matter what bullshit is ongoing. That's what "rolling with the punches" means. The punches dont stop, you learn to expect them, you move with them. I cant put my life on hold just because I'm homeless. It's not stopping me from doing the things I want. It's not stopping me from being the kind of guy I aim to be, or from making the kinds of choices i want. My life before did that.

Tl;dr thank you for all your help and concern this week, we made it to a different space and are taking some time to breathe. We are feeling more than a bit bruised, this week has been awfully triggering, but we also feel very held right now and we have space to calm down. For another few days at least, it's gonna be okay.

✨️🛸✌️

#me #prsnl #car living #keeping reblogs on bc im putting this on our travel blog. just for reference #long post #do u like my delayed reaction selfie. rofl. #gpoy

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Two, Part 3

"Yeah, maybe. I don't really know. I do listen. When I can hear," I said. Once again, it felt uncomfortable and weird.

"I'm serious. You pass by a lot of chances when you never make an effort."

"I know."

"How have you been sleeping?" She skillfully switched the conversation onto another one of my major issues, and that was sleep. Sleep and me hadn't gotten along for probably four years The last year with Emily, and then three after. Nightmares, night terrors, sleep paralysis, and huge fights with insomnia. My body just rejected sleeping good anymore.

"As well as I have been. Nothing's really changed," I said.

"The Ambien didn't help?" She sounded surprised. It was apparent that the normal ways people can use to get sleep didn't really work at all for me.

"It helps me fall asleep, but I'll be up an hour later. And coherent. It's not the zombie walk Ambien side effect."

"Hmm, well, did you want to keep trying with this or move on to the next?" She always talked about the meds I take. Making sure that I was okay with what we try. She didn't really like to push meds unless there was nothing else to be done. Like my Lithium and Seroquel. Those were needed and most likely would be the rest of my life.

"It doesn't really matter. I guess I can try this a little longer."

"Let's try until your next appointment. Two weeks should be more than enough time. If it's still not working, we'll try another one. We aren't at the bottom with that yet. There's still plenty of things that can help. We'll figure it out." It almost seemed she was trying to reassure me. She didn't need to. This never bothered me. I'd been through med changes when I got my first Bi-Polar diagnosis at 17. Almost ten years ago. Four years until they put me on the Lithium and Seroquel. Those have been the only constant meds for six years. Otherwise, it's always a revolving door of pharmacists explaining new meds to me.

"Sounds good. Like I said, it does help me fall asleep, so that's something."

Sarah smiled and nodded at me. She wrote something else on her clipboard before flipping to a new page. "Yes, that's true. How's work been going?"

"It's alright. We lost a cook two weeks ago, but that was his own fault. All of us smoke weed, but only a few use harder. Eric used really hard, and become a major hazard in the kitchen." I said.

"Did you have to get rid of him?"

"No, thank god. I couldn't do that. Even if he was a danger, I'd just figure out safe jobs for him, and talk to him. Try and get him some help. I don't think firing him for an addiction is really all that fair to him. It was tough enough to watch."

"So you were there when this went down?" Sarah gave me an interested look.

"Yea. Me, Tom, Amber and Angela were all there. Tom did the actual firing. I guess we had to be there as the heads. I don't know. It wasn't a great experience." I said.

"I guess that makes sense. How did Eric take it?"

"Not well. But he didn't get angry or sad. He just kind of deflated and acted like it didn't really bother him all that much. It was, I don't know, depressing?"

"It sounds like it. So, our time is almost up already. I have you scheduled in two weeks, same time, same place." She stood up out of her chair. I tried to get a look at the legal pad, out of curiosity about what they it was that she would write, but I couldn't get a good enough luck. Letters, but no words.

I stood up right after her, stretching the stiffness out of my body. Her chairs sucked. They reminded me of those old chairs you'd see in hotel room desks. Extremely stiff and rigid, with something they thought was cushion.

#fiction #artists on tumblr #writing #my writing #spilled words #writers on tumblr #poets and writers #writeblr #creative writing #writerscommunity #writerscorner #writer #lierature #cynical #cynic #free verse #free form #Stories #autobiographical fiction #art #literure #howispentmysummervacation #september sky #punk rock soap operas #writersblr #writterscommunity

[slugtranslation-hypmic]

Hi, Slug! Since we have now the official Shuffle Divisions, I'd like to know if you were hoping to see (maybe hear it's better in this case) different characters together. Like, did you expect different teams? Sorry for my bad English!

To be honest, I wasn't really paying attention until the lineups were revealed, so I didn't have any preconceived notions. This all looks fun and goofy. My thoughts on each line-up:

Ichirou, Roshou, and Juushi: This seems like the ultimate good boy group, in that every member of the team gives off powerful good boy energy. I feel like whatever's going to happen with them will probably involve helping grannies cross busy intersections, rescuing kittens from trees, and volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I can dig it.

Samatoki, Doppo, and Rei: I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out how this one will work out, because their individual dynamics are all so different. I think Doppo would get scared at first and probably accidentally tick off Samatoki, but how would Rei play into it? And would Doppo come out of his shell later, like he tends to do? I'm looking forward to seeing how they gel, because I can't imagine it right now.

Ramuda, Hifumi, and Riou: A lot of people are talking about Ramuda and Hifumi getting along, and I agree, but I'm personally way more hyped to see how Ramuda and Riou interact. (I like Riou a LOT.) I know it's not going to be the scenario in my mind of "Dice brings a trusted homie in need to the trusted homie Dice turns to in times of need" which is directed like an art film, illustrated by Michelangelo, and has won 15 awards. But I hope that they do get along. I don't think Riou would mind Ramuda's particular brand of obnoxiousness - he is so very accepting, and it is delightful - but I hope Ramuda's end goes beyond, "Ick, going outside! Yuck!" I really don't want it to devolve into a match of Hifumi and Ramuda making fake gagging noises and going, "Yuck, boy cooties!" But both have been known to act with all the maturity of elementary schoolers, so who knows?

Jakurai, Hitoya, and Saburou: Saburou's winning this one for sure. I think Jakurai would probably like Saburou a lot, because Saburou is a lot like Hitoya and Jakurai when they were kids, and Hitoya would probably be pissed at him for the exact same reason. I think Saburou would probably really enjoy the company of these (relatively) mature, intellectual adults, but at the same time, the palpable tension between Jakurai and Hitoya would make things awkward. This one is hilarious to me. A soap opera in the making. "Law school? Easy. Med school? As if. Raising a family? The hardest challenge ever. Join ex-friends and lifelong rivals Hitoya and Jakurai who must come together to co-parent a moody teenage son in a household where the collective IQ is through the roof. Coming this summer: MENsa"

Sasara, Gentarou, and Jirou: Oh, jesus. Well, I have to say, I think Jirou is the best equipped person to survive a Sasara and Gentarou combo, as the two of them have an unparalleled ability to take clowning to the next level. This will probably be the most chaotic in terms of sheer hollering and weird noises.

Kuukou, Juuto, and Dice: Oh god, poor Juuto. Honestly, if Juuto wasn't there, I'm pretty sure Kuukou and Dice would end up sharing a blunt together behind a dumpster somewhere and then end up being homies for life. As is, I think this group has the highest potential to get charged with manslaughter. I don't think they'd intentionally kill anyone, but rest in peace to anyone who happens to get to close to this powderkeg.

I have a feeling that, as a whole, this event is probably going to be like, "WHEW, glad that's finally over! You know, now that I'm back with my normal crew, I feel like you guys aren't so bad after all! There are some real bozos out there" but virtually every cast member is saying this.

#not a translation #asks #hypmic asks

[provvidence]

this post talks about suicidal ideation, severe anxiety, panic attacks, and generally bad stuff. don't read it if you're having a bad day, thanks, love u.

before today, i'd only had three panic attacks about this job. none happened while on the clock. one before i started the job, one immediately after a shift, one immediately before a shift. unpleasant, but i persevered.

the lack of panic attacks, however, requires a lot of discipline from a brain and body already exhausted by the effort from simply working the job.

it requires enough sleep, for a start. i've never been good at going to sleep, not even as a little kid. i could never shut my brain off. now with an early and long shift the following morning to dread and despair over, it's an even tougher feat. i go to bed ridiculously early, self soothe with every trick i know, put a youtube video on, and for the most part succeed, however unpleasant, with an hour or two margin for error. get up early, but hopefully not sleep deprived because everything unravels on no sleep. force down a breakfast (while nauseous), however small. take my meds. get myself to walk out the door and drive to work (still nauseous). fight with myself to not just keep driving. make it inside, make it through the day. rest after my shift so i have the energy to do it all again, nauseous the whole evening because i'm anxious about the next day.

discipline. just working a job at all is exhausting when you haven't done it in years. this job requires exertion. it hurts my back and my feet and my brain and my hands. but i don't need to just work, i need to manage the anxiety, an off and on the clock job.

what happens when i fuck up this discipline terrifies me on a level i cannot really wrap my head around. i couldn't sleep last night. got hit at like 7 pm with a bout of severe anxiety about today's shift. got nauseous. couldn't shake it. went to bed, put a youtube video on. couldn't shake it. tried reading, tried knitting, tried just closing my eyes. ended up more anxious. wandered to the living room shaking like a leaf so boy could help soothe me, fell asleep around midnight. slept in small fits, only ever half asleep, until 3. then i was awake, and starting to panic. i never do well on no sleep. far, far too nauseous to eat. can't take meds without food. if i go to work like this, i have a panic attack on the clock, almost assuredly, and that's game over. so i call out. which feels bad. only a month in to this job. doing it due to anxiety, which i have worked so very hard every waking moment to keep a lid on. thoughts spiral, start to feel like a failure, like i'm losing my grip, starting the inevitable descent. start to truly panic, so i take ativan, hoping it will calm me and put me to sleep. it does not. i barely even feel it. read a book till boy wakes up, immediately offer to go get him coffee to distract myself and not give him time to notice the state i'm in. start hyperventilating in the coffee shop. kinda ironic, having a panic attack in a coffee shop even though i called out of my shift at a coffee shop. drive home lightheaded with blurry vision, like a moron. arrive home, have a panic attack so bad even my legs start to go numb. it lasts ages. makes boy late for work.

and this is apparently what life just is for me. this is what i need to do to live with agoraphobia. keep it under wraps so tight it can't spiral. don't fuck up.

i know what happens if i get so exhausted i fuck up. what happens when i can't force food down my throat through nausea and what happens when even the ativan doesn't put me to sleep and what happens when the panic attack hits while i'm one of two people working in a busy store and what happens when i cannot get myself to walk out the door anymore.

i know what happens. it's happened before. and truly, i love my life. my person, my cat, my home, my family, my passions, my games, my neighborhood, my walks, my dreams of what my future could look like.

but without a job, all of that turns sour. i become a financial burden to the people i love most, at constant risk of homelessness and anything i've ever thought to want out of life is dead in the water.

and this is where my bpd takes over. it already did a part in making everything feel so huge and intense in the first place. but now it rears it's ugly fucking head to say "well, you fucked it up irrevocably and you have no other option, so you need to kill yourself". not even a desire anymore, just a necessity. it feels cruel, even to me, and i am no stranger to being cruel to myself.

i've got people telling me i can in fact do this. i've been telling myself i can do this, even got a tattoo to remind myself. but the feeling that i cannot gets more overpowering the longer i go on. the panic attacks are incredibly convincing arguments to that point. the more i have, the less i see a path to continue. i am exhausting myself. all the while knowing that historically, eventually, i give up.

i've only got so much fight in me. i am fucking tired. and two ativans in, i still cannot fucking sleep.

[masonscig]

AAAAH can I just say I am so soft that you remembered me and zuri🥺

I completely get why Sofia would feel pressured to say yes, it's a loaded question. Especially with her feelings about her mortality (which I'd love to hear about btw if you're down to share👀👀).

Zuri ends up saying that she's curious when she's asked about the blood drinking. She's always been a big supernatural fangirl so her answer would usually be a yes lol, but she's worried that she's only valuable to people now (ub, the chamber, rebecca - especially rebecca) because of her blood. After the brief conversation with her LI (i still have her romancing everyone💀) about her blood and them being tempted by it, she isn't keen on the possibility of having those thoughts confirmed.

Also, re: the chamber. How did Sofia feel about them before and after meeting them? And how does she feel about not being a detective anymore?

Which just sooo...uuuuaaah. I feel like it's WAY too soon for that, I don't don't have words to express how bummed I was when I read that. Especially since the detective can't say no. They've only had that title for a couple of months. I get that they're so involved that it makes sense for them to eventually be a full on agent, but in the 3rd book of a 7 book series? With the detective barely getting a chance to think about it?🧍🏽‍♀️

YES OF COURSE !!!! <333 oh my gosh there are so many wayhaven oc's that just float around in my brain – even if i'm not active, i'll think about them sometimes and be like "hmm i wonder if (insert mutual) is working on something (insert oc) related right now :)" i love zuri !!!!!!!

ok this is probably gonna be long so i'm preemptively putting the rest under the cut

AH !!!! i love mortality talk hehe okay so i've written this in fic form before more fleshed out than this but here's a tl;dr version <3 so sofía's whole thing is that she struggles letting go of who she thought she was going to be and reconciling with what her life is – she's always wondering what her life could've been if she'd done a, b, or c. and with mason, it's the first time she's really able to let go, because there aren't any expectations – except for turning. sofía knows if she chose to turn, it wouldn't be her choice. she'd be turning for mason. and a huge part of her character is the fact that she's taking her own agency back by not turning – truthfully, i still don't know if she ever will! if she made the decision it'd be in old age (okay time to laugh about mis/hka's whole 'de-aging' thing, because she's afraid of being 40 years old i guess) TY FOR ASKING I LOVE TALKING AB THIS STUFF

also ZURI !!!!!! i just want to hug her and tell her she's worth more than her blood UGH also all of ub needs to give her a smooch and tell her everything is okay </3 she's precious 2 me !!!!!! i really hope that by the time that we get blood drinking in canon, she's more comfortable with it <333 she deserves a lil bitey bite KFMKDKMDF

OOF THE CHAMBER.......... so many thoughts. so so so many. none of them good honestly LMAO so i think sofía was nervous/scared to meet them at first, because although she's able to woo over most people with her trademark friendly/genuine approach – the whole thing just made her very uneasy. afterwards, she felt even worse – a lot of her discomfort comes from her feeling like overall she has a lack of agency in any situation relating to her job, and meeting an even more authoritative, what-we-say-always-goes-no-matter-what group that's expecting her to kneel at their feet and blindly serve them, is fucking with her mind. she was accepting of the existence of supernaturals in book 1, but truthfully, the more she learns, the more i think internally she's starting to freak out.

also! i think that she's deeply upset about not being a detective – not because she ever wanted to be a cop in the first place, but because for years, she's held onto the idea that this year is the year she'll go to med school. "i can leave this job at anytime. this is just temporary." but the more that she gets sucked into the supernatural world, the more she's having to divorce herself from the version of herself that she's always wanted to be. (she wants to be a person who helps people, even though she already is, but she never thinks what she's doing is enough)

SORRY FOR THE DUMP ABOVE DKMFMKDFMKD i just love talking about her so much ugh im sorry

ALSO YES TO THE LAST PARAGRAPH !!! dude. it's SOOOOO soon. and i know from the stuff mis/hka has said, i highly doubt that this is a setup for something later – like even the idea that mc joins the agency and is immediately terrible at the position for narrative purposes – or even the idea of mc being forced to join for surveillance purposes – i just don't trust her with those types of complexities

#TY FOR THE ASK <33333 MWAH this was so fun to read and respond to !!! #im sorry i took so long i wanted to wait until i was settled and ready to type out a thoughtful response #but also !!! i love zuri !!! she is so great !!! idk how you feel about me going through your oc tag but – #i think i will have to scroll through your zuri tag to get more content of our girl <333 #i can't stop thinking about this book and all the discussions its posed but like. how i don't think any of these – #ideas are going to come back in the end ?? so much of this book throws shit out the window #maybe its a set up for book 4 but... i dont know if i trust that #asks #twc book 3 #twc book 3 spoilers #twc spoilers #oc: sofía olmos #<- i'm tagging my girl bc i talk about her quite a bit in this ask <333