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kcrabb88 · 3 years

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Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed!

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It: When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!)

Saving Face: A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight: A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol: An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary): A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding: As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!)

TV Shows

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education: A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!)

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack: A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence that will make you gay just by watching!)

Tales of the City (2019): A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!)

The Haunting of Bly Manor: After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman: Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original.

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston: For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer!

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters: Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!)

#I am inevitably forgetting things!!!#These are just ones that came to mind #Long post #Pride

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gloster · 3 years

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FAVORITE FANFICS OF 2020

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I know I speak for all when I say....I cannot wait to toss 2020 out the door the way Uncle Phil constantly did with Jazz. One of the things that got me through this rough year, besides family & friends & BTS, were fanfics.

It’s that time of year again where I make a list of all the fanfics that I absolutely adored. Some are by veteran favs of mine, others are new to me who just knocked it out of the park. If you’re interested in past lists, here is 2019′s list and 2018′s. If y’all are interested in doing your own fanfic favs of the year, please do so and tag me. Always on the hunt for new favs.

So without furhter ado, my fav fanfics of 2020:

1). Another Word for Forever series by stardropdream (sheith)

Summary: Shiro knows better than to expect love in an arranged marriage. This is all for the sake of universal peace, after all, and solidifying a Terran-Galran alliance. At the very least, Shiro can hope to make a friend out of this. Becoming friends would be much easier, though, if he and his husband could actually communicate.

With a language barrier and a mountain of cultural differences between them, getting to know Keith proves to be a challenge. Luckily, Shiro's always worked well with challenges.

2020 shockingly became the year of sheith. I ended up rewatching the show w/my bestie @littlenightdragon. Diving more deeply into it w/my other bestie @kila09. She and I spent the better half of this year devouring so many fanfics of them in various AUs. I came across new fanfic authors, and stardropdream is among them.

If I could describe this series & stardropdream, I’ll take a cue from Lady Gaga: “ talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it”

This series was just PERFECTION. I’ve gotten into arranged-marriage AUs and this has been one of the best I’ve read. It was just perfection. The language barrier definitely added an extra charm to it, in which Shiro finds his own ways to get to know his husband better: both creative and funny ways. So many cute moments, so many funny moments with Hunk being the translating middle man between them, and the smut. THE SMUT. THE SMUT. THE SMUT. Just *chef’s kiss* Incredible. It was just so so sweet, and such a comfort read. I reread this series 5 times already and hope Robin (the writer) does more stories in this AU.

Please read this series. You’re not gonna regret it. It will MELT your heart.

Honorable Mentions:

If I Called You Mine

Sail Across the Sky Just to Get to You

Finding Shelter (The Alien Baby Remix)

Say You Do(n’t)

2). The Golden Hour by @goldentruth813 (sheith)

Summary: After a space mission failure, Shiro loses his arm and his career. Two years later he's settled into a quiet and simple new life on his farm, but when a beautiful alien crashes in his field, he discovers the answers to his questions—and possibly the keys to his future—will come from the stars.

I’m sure no one, least of all Janel the writer herself, is surprised to see this author featured on this list. For now the 3rd year in a row. WOOOW 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 She is the reason I got into shieth, and she just continues to put out amazing conent with them. This story by far has been the best she’s done this year-possibly one of the best ever.

We have Shiro trying to have a simple life at the farm with his dog and animals. A curious BOM Keith who shakes things up with his boldness/innocence-and questions bound to test blood pressure, especially Shiro’s. Loads of cute moments, loads of funny moments, and also loads of oreos.

If summary and my thoughts don’t sell you, only one thing will: reading it for yourself.

Honorable mentions:

Two Hearts in Bloom

Mountain Men

Home is in Your Heart

3). Spun like Gold by Neyasochi (sheith)

Summary: Though Shiro is currently operating his fledgling bakery business out of a decrepit food truck he got for cheap in a repossession sale, he dreams of something more: a cozy bakery and cafe on a tree-lined street somewhere, filled with the smell of fresh coffee and sugar glaze instead of diesel. A little money could go a long way to helping him get off the ground-- and luckily, Keith has money to burn.

Or: Keith takes care of Shiro’s financial woes, in exchange for a little sugar.

OMG, OMG, OMG was this story so sweet. Neyasochi already sold me with the baking/baker Shiro trope, but went a step further throwing in sugar-daddy Keith who knows his way around his manic family and cars, but when it comes to asking a cute guy out? What better way to make an impression than becoming his best paying customer?

Honorable mentions:

oh, devour me

Healing Touch

on your hand of gold

4). The Destiny You Sold by @tryslora (drarry)

Summary: In which Draco knits, Harry makes wands, and things get very tangled up between them.

If there’s one thing I love about fanfics is how they introduce you to tropes you never would consider before. Draco and knitting was a combo I didn’t realize how much I needed until now. And I love the fact knitting played a big part of the accidental bonding. Also loved the fact everyone in their friend group shipped them like crazy. Highly, highly recommend

5) What’s My Age Again? by @lazywonderlvnd (drarry)

Summary: Harry Potter has had enough of pleasing the public, and his reckless tendencies are finally getting out of hand.

The Quidditch World Cup is only a week away; as Captain of the English National Team, Hermione has assured him that his immaturity won’t be tolerated by the Ministry.

And then Malfoy shows up.

(Inspired by the blink-182 song of the same name.)

It’s no secret that I’m such a fangirl of @lazywonderlvnd. Any drarry story I read, I always love. Last year, I ADORED The Changing Lights, which was one of my favorites last year, and her updating/finishing the story was a massive highlight for me. I thank ya for that.

This story was honestly refreshing. I’ve grown so used to Harry being responsible, always doing what’s right, that seeing a story where Harry pretty much has his middle finger in the air to “good reputation”, “being responsible,” because as he brought up: “I’m 25. I’ve been fighting all my life. I’ve earned my life to have fun.”

Okay, granted, it wasn’t quite like that but it was along those lines. And I agree. After all he went through, Harry deserves to have fun. He deserves to be reckless and make stupid decisions.

Also, it was such a blast reading a story where Harry is the brat & Draco has to keep him in line. LOVED.

Honorable mentions:

Inside Your Mind

Aletheia

6). Chocolate and Pastry by agentmoppet, anemonen (drarry)

Summary: When Pansy bets Draco that there is no chance he and Harry could carry out a genuine romantic relationship, he and Harry form a plan. But as their fake relationship progresses, Draco sees a side of Harry he never expected. Harry is struggling with something, pushing it far down inside him where he doesn't have to acknowledge its existence. Draco starts to worry, and then he starts to care, and then... horribly... he starts to fall in love.

Do not let the title fool you like it did me. Title alone, I was thinking it was going to be a fun, fluffy story involving baking, maybe chocolate crafting. However....it was not that at all. It was more. A lot deeper. A lot more angsty. It explored mental health, PTSD and the dangers of loved ones ignoring the signs, and contained an important message:

You can’t love someone out of their illness/disease/ addiction. Which is true and this story showed that.

7). i’m still here by owedbetter (zutara)

Summary: "You see me."

And somehow, that makes all the difference.

If there’s one of the few good things 2020 has brought, it was Netflix bringing back ATLA to their library. Which in turn ignited my love for zutara & had me drag @kila09 into that ship.

This story was just incredible. The way it was written, it really felt like it could have been canon. Deleted scenes that a certain creator didn’t want us to see. The way Zuko and Katara came together, starting from their peaceful friendship after the Southern Raiders episode up, becoming closer along the way.

I dare y’all to read this and not think OMG...is this secret canon bonus material? I definitely plan to read more by owedbetter.

8). all the what ifs i never said by rosegardenlake (sheith)

Summary: Keith is nine when he first notices Shiro. Shiro is gentle and quiet, always keeping to himself. Keith is rough and loud, running wherever his feet will take him, screaming on the top of his lungs into the wind. But despite that, they're a constant throughout each other's lives...if only that could be enough. As they grow, Keith just wants them both to be happy, but instead, he's falling apart.

Rosegardenlake is another sheith writer who I adored last year & adore this year as well. This was a story that I read during the beginning of quarantine-life and when I tell you the number of times Keith’s emotions of loneliness got to me, it’s a big number.

Keith’s struggle with life after high school, after peaking in school, and his mental health reminded me too much of where I was at 2018, which wasn’t a good year for me at all, especially mentally. So that was triggering but it was also helpful since I saw how far I came. And it was beautiful seeing how far Keith came.

Also the relationship between Shiro and Keith was just beautiful. It’s very funny how Keith was Shiro’s protector growing up and Shiro became Keith’s later on in life. There’s a chance your heart may be heavy, but will also be so swelled up with feelings these two bring it.

Honorable mentions:

Where the Light Doesn’t Reach

9). When Night Comes by Oh_Hey_Tae (BTS; poly ot7)

Summary: Jungkook’s tipsy, but he’s not buzzed enough to miss that he doesn’t recognize any of the four dozen people here. And seeing as his friends aren’t ones to ditch and there’s no way they’d play a prank this mean on him, Jungkook reaches the conclusion that he just walked into a stranger’s very expensive home, uninvited, and started eating their food and petting their well-dressed dog.

(Or: Jungkook shows up to the wrong Halloween party and meets the most powerful family in Seoul.)

I can easily say Oh_Hey_Tae easily one of my favorite BTS fanfic favs. Always come through with the stories, and this one was just amazing. We have Jungkook stumbling into a Halloween story, and soon enters into a intense, insane relationship with all six guys, who are already in a relationship with each other. Oh, and supernatural creatures at that.

You do see certain relationships are stronger, deeper. For example, a lot of moments between Jin and Jungkook. Vmin has their own story and moments. But it was just so amazing.

Fair warning. Halfway through, things get darker and Oh_My_Tae really loves playing readers diirty with the angst, but it’s so good.

10). peace-weaver by magisterpavus (sheith)

Summary: You will be the peace-weaver, his mother told him, smiling though her dark eyes welled with unshed grief. The one who brings two bitter enemies together and ends the bloodshed and death between us, once and for all.

But men will always crave war. The Galra, most of all.

Yet another arranged-marriage AU that I loved. This particular one is well-loved in the sheith fandom. I can definitely say it’s considered one of the classic fanfics that’s been read or shared at one point or another.

The story itself reminded me a lot of Macbeth, involving murder and dark forces at bay. The dynamics between Shiro and Keith reminded me of Drogo and Daenerys from GOT, one of my fav couples there, which only made it all the more better for me.

I do credit the author for the creative approach they took with quintessence and Shiro’s role/persona as the Champion

Honorable mentions:

The Boy in the Window

Sheith Demon/Priest AU

A Matter of Scale

Directive

Honorable mentions that I seriously wanted to add to the list but this post is already lengthy. All amazing, all greats reads by various writers y’all should check out:

Hold Me Tight, or Don’t by snowfallen (yoonmin with a Mr. & Mrs. Smith AU featuring assassins and hitmen, secret identities, fake marriage, and a lot of smut)

The Prince and Pirate by Maniacani, @nerdherderette (drarry with a splash of royalty and pirates. Perfect if you’re needing to fill in any Pirates of the Caribbean or Black Sails cravings)

First Kisses are the Best Ones by SashaDistan (sheith in a 50 First Dates Fusion heartfelt/heart-gutting story)

freely, as men strive for right by @bixgirl1 (drarry w/Harry explaining the many ways why Draco’s the love of his life. we love to see it)

The Sacrificed by SasuNarufan13 (sasunaru w/ dark fairytale elements similar to Little Red Riding Hood & Beauty and the beast + feat. mpreg)

Chasing Treacle Tart (and Draco Malfoy) by xErised (drarry feat. lunch lady Draco + scheming Harry + loads of fun w/sweets & more)

Red Desert by @beatitudinembty (taekook in a unique sci-fi AU; hard to explain but so worth a read

one way ticket to another life by starboykeith (sheith Hades x Persephone background)

Even So by lewilder (zutara; arranged marriage+ language barrier +soft strangers to lovers)

Well, lovely people, there you have it. My top 10 favorite fanfics of the year. I do notice a certain ship shows up a lot on this list, but I wasn’t kidding when I said they took over this year. Still, I tried to mix the list up with other fav ships/fandoms of mine. To the writers who created these incredible stories. I applaud you. I thank you for creating and sharing these wonderful stories. Anyone interested in doing the tag, please do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, GUYS

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pennylanefics · 4 years

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touch - tom blake

a/n: so i was feeling inspired and put this together 🤗 been going through a patch of writer’s block with fanfic recently, so sorry for the less amount of fics. this is also my last week of school, but i go back to work tomorrow (wednesday) and i’m honestly not ready 🙃 but oh well

•••

tom has been home for a little while now, and was slowly starting to adjust back to regular life. this of course wasn’t easy and there were many nights where he either didn’t sleep, or only slept for an hour here and there. it was taking a toll on both of you.

tom was exhausted both mentally and physically, still trying to come to terms with what he saw during the war, and you felt awful that you couldn’t do much to help him; he usually fought against you anyways, needing space and not wanting to be touched.

physical touch was another thing. tom was sensitive, he wasn’t made for war. so it made him very distant and off when he came back, so much so that you still have yet to simply hold hands with him. you understood, but it hurt. it hurts to sleep in the same bed at night but have to keep your distance so as to not set his anxiety and claustrophobia off.

but one night, things change and take a turn for the worst. you were in bed, reading in the low light shining from your bedside lamp. tom was in the living room, writing a letter to will, a friend he made while in france. it was getting late, so you closed your book, turned the light off, and laid down.

tom came in just minutes later, dragging his feet tiredly as he changed into a pair of pajamas. he slid under the covers and turned on his side, his back facing your back. he shuffles around to get comfortable before falling right asleep. you, on the other hand, begin to shed tears, wanting nothing more than to kiss him and cuddle with him.

to clear your mind, you get out of bed and grab your sweater that was laying on the chair in the corner.

“love, where are you going?” tom asks, sitting up. you shush him and make him lay back down, knowing how tired he is.

“i’m just gonna get a glass of water and some fresh air. i’ll be back in a little while.” he nods and closes his eyes as you make your way outside to the back porch. taking a seat on the swinging bench, you curl up and continue to cry. you let all of your emotions out, not holding back anymore. you’ve stayed strong for too long to act like everything is okay.

a few minutes go by and you hear the door open and footsteps approach you.

“darling, what’s wrong?” tom’s sweet yet raspy voice rings out. you quickly wipe your tears and look up at him, but it’s no use. your cheeks are soaked to the bone with tears and your eyes are puffy and red. tom takes a seat next to you, keeping his hands to himself still.

“it’s nothing tom, i’m fine.”

“please don’t say you’re fine when i just caught you sitting outside in the middle of the night with tears streaming down your face.” you sigh quietly and keep your eyes down, too scared to look back at him.

“hey, you know you can tell me anything, love.”

“i know, tom. it’s just, it’s hard.”

“what is?”

“i...i hate not being able to be with you,” you quietly admit. tom is confused, as he is sitting right next to you...with you.

“i’m right here, darling. what’s wrong, seriously?”

“yeah, you’re here, but really, you’re not!” you didn’t mean to yell and feel bad immediately when you see him jump a little from the corner of your eye. taking a deep breath, you try to tell him in the best way possible.

“i’m sorry. it’s just, i lay in bed every night, wanting to cuddle with you. but you still aren’t adjusted to regular human contact yet, so i refrain from doing so. even the simplest of things like holding your hand, kissing you, hugging you, i can’t do even though i want to so bad.” tom rubs his hands through his hair, not knowing how to respond.

“i should be sorry, i-”

“no, you shouldn’t, tom. i’m not mad at you and i’m not upset with you. it’s the damn war that messed you up, which was pointless.”

“i really am sorry though. i’m trying hard to get back to the way i was, but it doesn’t seem possible.”

“I know, honey. and that’s okay. take all the time you need. i don’t want to rush you and force you to be ready when you’re not.” he nods and reaches for your hand a little, but pulls it away as quick as he can. you try to keep your tears in, but it’s no use. silent tears fall down your cheeks once again as tom stands shakily.

“i’m gonna head back inside, uh, are you gonna be up soon?” he shyly asks. you nod and gaze up at him, noticing now that he was crying as well. your heart breaks even more upon seeing his tear-stained face.

“yeah, i will. get some rest, yeah?” he turns and slowly walks back inside, leaving you alone once more.

“fucking hell,” you mumble, not having planned that at all. now you felt even worse for tom, knowing that your words most likely affected him deeply.

you spend another fifteen minutes or so outside, wanting tom to hopefully be asleep by the time you get upstairs to avoid the awkwardness. you stand and stretch, taking in the beautiful backyard illuminated by the moonlight.

before heading upstairs, you pour a glass of water for yourself. you then make your way to and up the stairs, wishing that tom was asleep. and in fact, as you step into the room, he was passed out on his side of the bed, breathing softly.

you shrug your sweater off and crawl into bed, staying as far on your side as possible. as you finally close your eyes, feeling exhaustion take over you, the bed starts to shake. you immediately think it’s an earthquake, but your water remains still.

turning over, you notice tom thrashing around a bit. he was moaning and groaning, mumbling something as he turns over to face you; he was still fast asleep.

“tom?” you whisper, hoping that would be enough to wake him. but no, nothing happened. he continued to thrash a little, his arms beginning to flail above the covers. you thought of waking him, but you didn’t think that would end well.

this was the main problem. you wanted nothing more than to break him from this nightmare and hold him in your arms, but he’s not used to that sort of attention yet. but, you decide to test the waters anyway.

you reach over and touch his shoulder, which makes him jump, but still remain asleep. finally, you nudge his shoulder a bit harder, and that wakes him up. he sits up in bed, breathing heavily, dripping with sweat at this point.

“tom?” you whisper, staying put in case he needed space, as usual. but, before you can say anything else, tom is falling into your arms, crying loudly.

you are shocked and have no idea how to respond, so you just wrap your arms around him and hold him close. he sobs loudly into your neck, wiping his face against your soft sleep-shirt.

“shhh, it’s okay tom,” you whisper, threading your fingers through his hair. you were so happy he was allowing you to do so, but you still weren’t sure if he was fully okay with it.

“that was awful,” he mumbles once he’s calm enough. you continue playing with his hair, rubbing his back with your other hand.

“i know. but you’re okay now.”

“i don’t want to go back to sleep yet,” he whispers, cuddling closer to you. this makes you smile, loving how him being in your arms felt again.

“that’s fine. do you want me to read to you?” when tom returned home, he missed you so much that he wanted to hear your voice basically twenty-four-seven. he never wanted you to shut up because he missed you so much, all he wanted to listen to was you. so, you two started a little tradition or routine of you reading to him whenever he needed to calm down.

“yeah. are you still reading that one you showed me when i got home?”

“no, actually. i finished that last week. i have a new one.” you grab your book and turn your bedside light on, sitting up against the headboard. after you were situated, tom cuddled back up against you.

“um, darling, you don’t have to cuddle with me, you know,” you quietly say, not knowing if he was okay with it.

“i do want to. i’m sorry for being so distant and isolated, but i forgot how nice it is, being in your arms and close to you,” he says, looking up at you. a huge smile appears on your lips as he settles against you.

“you don’t have to apologize, tom.”

“i know. but i still feel bad.” he shocks you even more by leaning up and kissing your cheek. he stays there for a moment, his gaze darting down to your lips. you lean in a little to let him know that it’s okay, so he finally closes in the space and presses his lips to yours. it was a soft yet sweet kiss, one that shows you tom still cares for you.

“i love you,” he whispers after pulling away. you lean your forehead against his and close your eyes in content. “thank you for being patient with me.”

“i’d do anything for you, tom. i love you so much. whenever you’re ready to let me in again.” he nods and gives you one more kiss.

“i’m ready now. i forgot how much i missed your lips.” you giggle and go back to playing with his hair. he helps you hold open your book as you do and you begin to read quietly to him, holding him close for the first time in months and finally feeling happy again.

#tom blake #tom blake imagines #tom blake x reader #dean charles chapman #dean charles chapman imagine #dean charles chapman x reader #1917 #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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w-ngs · 3 years

Text

jan21

hello 2021! you did not get off on a good start. let’s try and be a little better, okay?

i didn’t read much this month (and probably won’t be for a long while because of school), but it was a wild month. well, you’ll see.

***

crooked kingdom, leigh bardugo — oh my god???? i completely forgot that i read this before i left for school and almost didn’t include it in my monthly wrap-up????? how dare i forget this masterpiece.

it was great. i loved it. i think overall, i preferred 6oc because heist stories are my guilty pleasure. but romance-wise... let’s just say kaz and inej have made it to my top 10 ships. but also i read through this so fast because i had to finish it before i left that half the story is kinda just not in my brain lololol

the most intriguing part of the entire story was the anti-wraith. her character kind of came out of nowhere, and i’m not really sure she had much of a purpose than being someone who could physically match inej. i guess she was also anti in the sense that she had no respect, just ruthlessness, which is the opposite of inej and what she stands for. but i don’t know if the anti-wraith was significant enough of a character to really be considered a foil.

i don’t really give spoiler warnings because hardly anyone reads these other than myself lolol but big spoiler ahead. skip the next paragraph if you don’t want to know. cuz i accidentally spoiled it for myself before reading and i kinda ruined it for myself lmfao.

poor matthias. he was there, and then he was gone. i feel terrible for nina. they were finally on the same page, and then he had to act all saint-like and trigger some idiot into killing him. and matthias finally came to terms with what he’d been taught and what he was trying to teach himself (#charactergrowth), so he wrapped things up neatly for himself before the bye-bye. but nina, she finally got her guy on her side and they were supposed to change the world together. sigh.

and of course, we got kaz. he’s my favorite. how could he not be, with his trauma and desire to overcome it but not letting it define him and still maintaining that evil genius act he’s so good at. it definitely hit harder in this story, the extent of his trauma. it made him more real, too. both sides of him coexist, and one could not exist without the other. he’s crazy, in nearly all senses of the word. also crazy in love, the mfing idiot. ugh, i love vulnerable kaz. i love what inej brings out in him, how she knows just how hard to push without driving him over the edge. also i saw a tiktok (this app is gonna come up a lot more in the next few reviews fsjdsdfkjdf) with a photo of them kissing with a towel between their mouths because he can’t touch her but he desperately wants to and what a perfect solution is that their... bathroom scene had me holding my breath. or at least taking very shallow breaths. it was intense. so intimate, i felt like i shouldn’t even have been there. ugh, the cute little babies. uwuwuwuwuwu

one last note. leigh bardugo is a very good writer, plot and characters and all. everything flowed much more smoothly in this book, and once again i was impressed by the detail provided. you go girl. i can’t wait to see the tv series development.

a 10/10.

***

the shadows between us, tricia levenseller — literally what did i read lmaooo. this is my first tiktok book recommendation. and it. was. boring. boring characters that didn’t make much sense. boring plot. i skimmed it after the first 50 pages cause it was so boring. that’s it bye.

a 3/10.

***

manacled, senlinyu — um. wow. i literally......... even hours after finishing it my brain is still ridiculously scrambled. edit: it’s about a month later and sometimes random scenes and images still pop in my head for no reason and then i feel all twisted inside again. i love it.

so, this is not a published book but a dramione fanfiction on ao3. i don’t read fanfics that often anymore, mainly because i’d rather read other things, not because i don’t like them. but i found this one because a tiktok that showed the illustrations in the story and i was so blown away by the fact someone would illustrate an entire fanfic that i just had to read it. and i have no regrets. it’s kinda long and a biiit wordy for me at times but holy shit that hit like a mother trucker. and i haven’t read dramione in ages, not since... years. so this really hit different.

the illustrations are beautiful. they’re what dragged me into the story in the first place, so, of course they are. but i’d literally spend minutes looking at every detail in amazement at how perfectly the emotions were captured and the lighting casting the perfect shadows and just… everything. i know nothing about drawing but my eyes were truly blessed.

i think integrating the handmaid’s tale with the hp world was ingenious. i would never have expected that. and wow. the relationship between the two, it’s…….. i can barely put it in words in my mind, and it’s even harder to articulate on paper. complex, but at the same time not, simply the desire for the other to stay alive. timeless. destructive. their only defense from the harsh reality of their situation. desperation at its most desperate, their one and only survival method. depressing. it’s so depressing. i was so sad, the angst almost too much at times.

the flashbacks were insanely intense. and i thought the handmaid section was bad. it was awful to read. i could hardly bear it, it was so dark at times i didn’t know how either of them got through it all. i mean, they barely did. the near-death scares, the constant need to create a blank slate within yourself in order to not overwhelm yourself with crushing emotions… wartime sometimes has a tendency to sound romantic, but theirs wasn’t anything near romantic, and i appreciate that the author chose to be very real about it.

at the beginning, and in the middle when we went through the flashbacks, i was afraid the love would be toxic. and, well, it kind of was at some points. but in a time like that and a situation like theirs, it would be hard to not have a toxic relationship. i was glad that in the end theirs was a good love, the kind that sustained and kept them alive and got them through until the very end, because it was what they needed from each other. and, of course, my favorite part of it all was draco’s ceaseless possessiveness that only seemed to grow, never fade. i love simpy men.

they deserve each other. i was afraid at the end they wouldn’t, that one of them would die—that draco would die because hermione basically did once already for him, so he would have to “return the favor”—also she was pregnant so there was no way she’d be the one to die—idk many theories. but at the end i’m so glad they both ended up alive. after everything, they deserved it.

i did nothing for two days straight but read this book. except eat. and barely sleep. and i have no regrets.

a 9/10.

***

bloodlines, richelle mead — dang. i used to be obsessed with vampire academy when i was in middle school. i even watched the terrible movie that released because of it. and now i can’t believe i really thought that was peak literature lmfaooooo

i remember adrian being such a funny and interesting character that i picked up bloodlines to see if it was gonna be as good as i remembered it was. i was disappointed. it was just... well let’s just say there wasn’t enough to get me invested in the characters as i used to be. i think what it was is that adrian’s characterization was so weak. he wasn’t as ~quirky~ as i remembered him to be haha. the plot was also way too slow-paced, and a little too easy to guess. maybe if i was 12 again i’d be going crazy over it like i used to. but i’m not a pre-teen anymore and my brain craves stuff along the lines of manacled—destruction, death, angst that wants me to pull my own heart out to stop it from hurting.

a 5/10.

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faireladypenumbra · 4 years

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Writing in 2020: Some Reflections on Creativity, Depression, and The Last Four Years

When I first started writing seriously in 2012, I declared on my earliest drafts that I would never write with the intention of publication.

This might seem odd coming from a 19-year-old whose only claim to fame by this point, were a couple a popular fanfic. I was worried then, as I began to shape up my first original novel (a half-written steampunk time-travel book that will never ever see the light of day) that the active chase that was publication would kill my relationship with writing.

The relationship I had with writing at the time was still very young, but I have always used the metaphorical well to describe where my energy to write comes from. There is a well somewhere in my brain, and in that well is all the imagery and beauty and terror that I can draw out into my works. This as a sacred space, from which That well is still the image I picture if I am conjuring some physical embodiment of my writing, or what my process might look like. It’s eight years since I started this journey, and I have watched my well diminish over the past four years in a quiet circling of the drain. It is not that the desire to write is gone, but the thing that connected my brain and my work is less palpable than it was before. It’s a complicated idea to venture on as well, knowing I still occasionally write fiction and still write a great deal academically. But there are many days when ever those parts of writing have become a trial of self-doubt and struggle.

“This is just a part of writing,” I tell myself for the hundredth time- but by this time, I’m not even really writing, and just considering the idea of making time for myself and my art makes me ill.

It is in these times that I realize how much damage- not just the pursual of publication, but the active work I did in publication, did to my process.

I: The Public- And My Complicated Relationship With It.

I really like the public, first off, and I like sharing my work to the public when I have the absolute confidence to do so. Chimehour was one of those times, in 2015, when I first emerged on Inkitt quietly. The site was still small- barely creeping over 15,000 members when I joined, so I had a fair amount of confidence that my work would be safe here.

It was. And it was not, all at once. I was revived by every good review I got, and the encouragement pushed me to finish my novel properly and even push back my release deadline. I tried to actually edit the book and revise it properly before I either released or queried it, which was a good call.

Around the fall of 2015 though, my relationship with the website and the community became something negative. Not bad, just… counter-intuitive to creativity. 2015 was a hard year beforehand: my uncle suddenly passed away on the same day I finished my, as of now, unpublished second novel. My grandparents both passed away not long after. My academic life had been unturned in the fall semester by an extremely toxic professor, who I eventually had to help report to the university. I didn’t really tell my writing community these things were happening, but I leaned into Inkitt as a support for my emotional wellbeing. I turned to the reviews, and contests, and to the public to help ease the burn from everything else going on in my life. This was the first time I felt the well begin to empty: not writers’ block, not a creative burnout, but a slow, easing drain on my resources. I suspect now that an author’s relationship with the public is complicated, and that at times, it can be more addictive to be popular than it is to make things.

II. Inkitt

I place some blame on what happened to my writing with my paid job in 2016 with Inkitt. I became their community manager for a period of time. An extremely long story lies behind that statement, but I will add that my writing was a tool that got used in the company’s favor during that period, and this wasn’t something I consented to. I was bullied, harassed, and made to feel very small for the period I spent with the company.

I started to write again in Europe that year: I remember penning chapters on a rainy afternoon in England, perched on the sofa of a hotel bar, and this was after a very long stint of creating nothing, but my work remained on the same novel.

Deep down, I felt like if I polished it enough, it would do better than any of the other pieces I’d thumbed through or reviewed for this godforsaken company. It was a nasty, mean-spirited line of thinking that led me to resent the very authors who had supported me all this time, not because I thought they were bad authors, but because I was so burdened by the company’s demands. I became angry that the other authors couldn’t see all the work I did- “how dare you ask things of me? How dare you write when I can’t? When they won’t let me anymore?”

It was a very blackened spot on my mind, and I have recognized this place for what it was: anger at my oppressive job (which I quit) and some unchecked grief over the previous year. It took me time to fully grieve my uncle, and even longer to fully bury Inkitt. I forgive nothing of them, and I can only hope my author community will forgive me for what I sometimes became in the wake of the company’s damage.

The writing well was never quite the same after Inkitt: it felt poisoned, or even hard to access. It’s important to note that I changed schools during that time, but… I knew something was unwell in the space of my brain.

III: The Aftermath

I speak of all that’s happened as if my creative force suddenly ground to a halt four years ago, but that’s not quite right. I’ve just written less and less as years have passed or contributed less with a passionate fervor. I do love some of my academic writing, I do make things from fiction that are great, but these pieces emerge from a sort of inner morass that takes a great deal of effort to push back. I have to fight with a work to make it happen.

As for the finished second novel? It remains finished: I have diced it up and attempted to rework its contents, but the original draft is very painful to read and colored by the things that happened around it. Last year, I surmised to scrap the whole draft and start Chimehour’s sequels fresh, with maybe one or two scenes intact. It was a hard call: one of the most agonizing things I have done in my writing, in fact. 188k of words, and only a few people will have ever read them. Some of it is to do with a principle character, whom my uncle inspired and who became- after his death, very difficult to write. Some of it is the flawed nature of draft that maybe, just maybe, was meant for me to grow from, and nothing else. Outside of that, I suppose I’m sharing this to admit, with confidence, that I’ve been dealing with anxiety spikes and depressive episodes for about three years. This is not new: I’ve had depression and anxiety for a long, long time, but the return of these episodes caught me off guard. I had not felt so low since I was in middle school, I had not had bad panic attacks after I settled into college. But here we are. I have not decided if I need to see a therapist yet (I might), but I do know that I feel lighter for expressing these struggles and acknowledging their realness. We’ll see what the writing well brings in the future.

#amwriting #writblr #depression #anxiety #creative

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thanksjro · 4 years

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Children of a Lesser Matrix: It’s Like A Saturday Morning Cartoon, But With… Genocide

Children of a Lesser Matrix is by no means a complete work- more of an outline that never got past the “slap some ideas in as they come to you” stage. Fun fact: you don’t have to write in sequential order if you don’t want to. It can actually help with writer’s block to jump around.

Let’s take a look at the writing process, shall we?

I wasn’t kidding when I said the self-insert got the shaft in Eugenesis.

It turns out that back when the Transmasters UK club was a thing, it was pretty common for the members to have a sort of mascot for themselves, a character that would show up in their work repeatedly. You see it nowadays with fanfic writers too, so it isn’t exactly an odd phenomenon, but it’s something I found interesting.

You know who else shows up repeatedly in Roberts’ other works?

Throwback.

But that’s a topic for another day.

This story takes place in the year of 1990. No peering into the future here; this was probably set in the modern day at the time of writing. Seeing as Eugenesis was first published in 2001, it’s safe to assume that we’re looking at the work of a very young Roberts.

Our focus at present is an asteroid in uncharted space.

Oh!

Oh.

Looks like these guys are Autobots, and their ship crashed into this space rock, killing them instantly. These must be the equivalent of Transformers’ red-shirts, because it usually takes a little more to take them out. There’s also a Decepticon, but we’ll get to him in a second.

What else is on this asteroid? Oh, y’know, nothing special. Just the Creation Matrix.

AND IT’S EVIL.

And everyone knows that green is the color of EVIL.

We’ve got an interesting take on the Matrix here, in that A) it’s evil, and B) it’s sentient. Like, really sentient. Also, it can summon demons, and is gonna stuff them in these Autobot corpses it found in the ship.

No mention of what it does with Thunderwing, if anything at all.

Yep. Thunderwing. If you read the IDW Stormbringer miniseries, or the MTMTE Revolutions one-shot, you know about Thunderwing at least a little. In the Marvel UK comics, his whole shtick was that he was obsessed with obtaining the Creation Matrix, believing himself to have an affinity with it. Guess that sort of backfired on him here.

This is the first time I’ve seen something bolded like this in Roberts’ work, and I really couldn’t tell you exactly why, but it’s oddly endearing. Maybe it the mental image of this 14-year old kid just furiously getting this outline down, underlining the word “will" so hard the lead in his pencil breaks off.

We get hit with an interlude, taking place inside a robot grandpa.

Of course, I’m being facetious, but this is a little interesting. Perhaps this is referring to his base on Cybertron, and not Alpha Trion himself. It seems more likely than Roberts mistaking the name for a place.

And who’s inside Delta Triton? Why, it’s Skimmer!

You probably don’t know Skimmer.

Skimmer was actually in MTMTE #41- or at least, he was mentioned. Hailing from Caminus and serving under Thunderclash, the comic doesn’t even know what gender he is. He’s male. Probably can’t put that on the wiki, seeing as this is about as far from “canon” as it gets- an unpublished, basically unwritten fanfiction. It’ll be our little secret, just between you, me, and James Roberts.

Skimmer runs into his boss Quillion- who does not show up anywhere else, as far I can can tell- who doesn’t look terribly happy at the moment. There’s a huge blip on the radar, and it isn’t anyone they want to have over for tea.

Language!

Quillion orders for these massive rocket boosters they’ve strapped to the moon be turned on so they can get the hell out of the way of this honestly preposterously large pile of Decepticons coming their way. They flip the switch, and moon #3 blasts off.

Oh hi, Luna 01, didn’t recognize you there!

Back at the asteroid, the Matrix went and brought the Autobots back from the dead, and proceeds to wax poetic on the nature of life, and how its new underlings will serve it.

That’s the royal we, baby. The Matrix is making no bones about it, this thing is KING. Seems like the Omniforce is a Roberts-original idea. Wonder what that’s all about. And what of this new force of evil?

Oh my fucking god his name is Genocide.

If I were a middle-school kid reading this outline, I’d be losing my mind over how cool and edgy this was. Roberts is trying so hard here, and I’m all about it. You go, tiny JRo. You go full cowl on these evil robots.

Our Omniforce have personalities to match their new looks and identities, and it’s about what you’d expect- these boys are a drop of blood in the water away from going completely feral. Also, Thunderwing’s starting to wake up. So, that’ll be a thing soon.

Back at the interlude, everything’s settling down as the gravity rights itself. The moon almost hit light-speed- which, holy shit- but it looks like the laws of inertia in a vacuum are on vacation today.

Not that I expect a kid from the 90’s to know about that.

They’re roughly 7000 hours away from Cybertron, so they better start heading back now. Assuming that there’s still a Cybertron to go back to.

Back with the first plot, Thunderwing’s having a seizure- Roberts’ prose characters seem to do that a lot- and the Matrix is freaking out, because if he dies, they won’t have a ride off this barren space rock. There’s only one thing to do!

The Matrix zaps Thunderwing with green (evil!) lightning, saving him from the brink of death. Thunderwing is less than enthused with this turn of events.

You get redundancies like this when outlining, it happens.

Thunderwing is pissed, and the brand-spanking new Omniforce isn’t super sure how to handle the current situation. The Matrix, thinking quickly, merges with Thunderwing.

This does not help the situation.

You’ve had them for five minutes, and you’re already killing them. I know you’re new to this, Matrix, but come on now.

TWENTY THOUSAND YEARS LATER, it turns out that Quillion’s estimate of their arrival back at Cybertron was off by just a smidge. The moon runs into a tomb of all things in the depths of space, and brings it on inside to see what all the hubbub’s about.

It’s got a Mind-Krell in it.

No, I have no idea what a Mind-Krell is. Another Roberts original. He’s always been rather ambitious as a writer, it would seem.

Jumping back in time, Thunderwing’s throwing out his rawest lines, and it’s amazing.

Like holy shit, I unironically love this. I wish he’d decided to do more with this, it’s fantastic.

We get our first taste of action. Theres a lot going on here: Genocide is apparently a necromancer, capable of controlling the dead, which Thunderwing currently technically is. However, this takes time to set up, so it’s Black Fusion’s turn to step up to the plate. He shoots off a volley of Black Fusion from his eyes, knocking Thunderwing over.

Yes, they’re named after their powers. Or are their powers named after them? Anyway, they’re about to head for the shuttle, when Genocide orders Kaos to use his- you guessed it- Kaos Energy.

We’re also dealing with the “can’t just use said” phase that every young writer goes through. Kaos’ staff, which he’s had this whole time, turns into a gun? It’s not clear, but he shoots Thunderwing and then dives into the shuttle at the last possible second, Indiana Jones-style.

As the shuttle takes off, Genocide warns their resident possessor Daemon to not do the thing, even though he really, really wants to. With that, they train the onboard weapons systems on Thunderwing below- all of them.

And that’s all we got for Children of a Lesser Matrix.

Clearly there would have been more if he’d continued with the ideas, but as is we have a fascinating snapshot of what was probably one of Roberts’ first forays into writing. You don’t get to do this with very many authors, where you can go this far back and see what they were doing, what changed, what stayed the same. I wasn’t expecting to see ideas from MTMTE pop up here- and certainly not ones that were as big as the moon thrusters.

If this entry seems a little soft around the edges, it’s probably because it is. I’m of two mind about covering this at all. On one hand: it was published online for others to read, which makes it free game, and it’s a part of his growth as a writer, so of course I’m going to look at it! On the other hand: Literal. Child. I wouldn’t make fun of a kid just starting out now, and I’m definitely not trying to rag on a young writer retroactively. That being said...

I’m not gonna lie, this is kind of a rough sit. I mean, other than it being an idea springboard that never went anywhere. There are some neat ideas, but… look, anything that’s truly made from the bottom of one’s heart, out of pure love, is always going to be at least a little cringe-inducing. That’s just how it goes, even with the best writers, and this is an outline written by a kid who grew up on 80’s-era media and was just starting out.

Still, there was a lot of potential here. It’s ambitious, it’s over the top, it’s silly and earnest. I like it. It makes me smile to read it and think about the person creating it and having fun doing it.

It just goes to show that no one starts out amazing at what they do.

Up next, a relic of a bygone era- the ‘zine! It’s The Mystery of the Transformer Decoys, a ‘zine that was printed out and sent via snail mail. We truly are spoiled by the internet.

#transformers #jro #children of a lesser matrix #maccadam #Hannzreads #text post #long post #prose writing

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renaroo · 4 years

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Some Times (Time and Time Again) (3/8)

Disclaimer: Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, and associated characters are the creative property of DC Comics. Warnings: Canon shaken not stirred, Heavy canon references to Booster Gold (2009-2011) and Blue Beetle (2016-2018) Pairings: Boostle Rating: T Synopsis: Booster Gold and the rest of the Time Masters are still straightening up things in the wake of the most recent universal Rebirth. But Rip Hunter is still missing in the aftermath, leaving Booster in charge with Skeets, Michelle, and Rani. But there’s a distraction for Booster, one he can’t keep himself from ignoring.

Ted Kord, miraculously, is still alive. And that makes everything more complicated than Michael could have ever imagined.

A/N: So look. First of all, I apologize to everyone who were looking forward to this fic before I took a very long hiatus this year. It’s a weird journey to go over, but basically I became a public school teacher and got a job in the middle of this year and the time flew by very fast. Ironically.

Does that mean I want to leave you guys hanging for months like that again? No, but stuff does happen. I’m trying to use my winter break to write as much as possible while still getting stuff ready for my kiddos, but priorities will lie where they lie and I’m sorry if that means leaving you hanging again. I totally get if you want to check out until the final update so that you can read the whole fic. Hopefully I’ll plan out better and write it all before posting to start with. So hindsight is.... 2020 you might say.

Special thanks to @fred-astairs-dark-impulses, @shibascarf, @mcbangle, @spiralcass, sinkburrito, @secretlystephaniebrown, starchaser22. doingsuper, Ithildyn and ivettxwrites for the support and kind words! That means so much to me, and I cannot apologize enough for being one of THOSE fanfic writers which I most certainly am and leaving you hanging for so long.

Little Girl Lost

Rani doesn’t necessarily intend to go against Michael and Michelle’s attempts to get her to sleep. Sometimes, things simply happen and there is no stopping it.

For Rani, it’s the need to make certain her adopted family — her new and most recent adopted family, that is — are still safe, alive, and not leaving her alone again that she cannot stop.

With her eyes only closed for a moment or two after hitting her pillow, Rani springs awake, ignores the colorfully decorated bedroom that is exclusively hers, and barrels out without so much as slippers on her feet.

Huffing and puffing, Rani races down the corridor toward the laboratory and kitchen of Time Lab. She only slows to a stop once reaching the disarray of the laboratory and overhearing the close by sounds of Michael and Michelle talking to one another.

Her heart races despite the calming assurance that she’s not alone. There should be three adults in their home instead of only two, and that causes a pang in her chest she barely knows what to do with.

Taking a deep breath, Rani glances around to the broken up laboratory and thinks about how upset poor Boppy would be if he was still around.

Rani bites her bottom lip until it hurts. She hates thinking of Poppy in the past tense. She hates it. And she can’t stop it.

She has played this game too many times before already despite being so young.

“Rani. I don’t believe you should be wandering around the laboratory. It is still a danger zone for the time being,” the familiar drone of Skeets comes as the tiny bot flies into her vicinity.

Looking to the golden sheen of Michael’s trusty assistant, Rani can’t help but feel that something is off. Something more than usual for Time Lab.

“Skeets, would you know if Boppy came back?” she asks.

“Doctor Hunter would likely make himself known to us if and when the time was right for his return,” the robot answers methodically.

Rani’s brows knit together. “So… you can’t do it?”

“That is not what I said,” he answers without answering anything at all.

Biting her lip once again, only now more in thought than in anxiety, Rani thinks about Boppy — Rip — and how he would make himself known.

With a slight hum in her throat, Rani walks past Skeets and makes her way to the large chalkboard still standing amongst the ruins of the Time Lab. She reaches the board quickly and begins scanning the blank slate for any signs of change — any at all. Her eyes fall, rather quickly, to the bottom right corner where a scribbled message causes her heart to race again. This time not in fear or worry, but in precious joy and excitement.

“Boppy!” she barely musters over her own gasp as she reaches for the board and touches it cautiously with the tips of her fingers.

Ted Kord is the key.

A chill runs down Rani’s spine, a thrill overcomes her pattering heart.

“Boppy wanted me to know…” she surmises. Her eyes squint in thought. It is her corner of the board, where she has been caught a few times sketching unicorns and butterflies. For Boppy to write there out of all the space on the board, surely means the message is for her and her alone in that moment.

And Ted Kord. That is not any name, that is someone very important and special. He is Michael’s most important friend, the one he talks about in his biggest and wildest stories to Rani, and the person whose name comes up the most often in the history books when she searches for information about her dear Mikey.

Rani thinks, just maybe, she understands what she needs to do. And for the first time since the big explosion, Rani feels calm and excited. She has a direction to go in and it means all the world to her.

It probably means the whole universe if it’s important enough for Boppy to leave it on the board for her.

“I should immediately tell Booster about this!” Skeets determines in a flurry, beginning to zip off.

He doesn’t make it far in the direction of the kitchen, however, because once he sees that Rani is going deeper into the lab, he changes course.

“Rani! Please, the laboratory is still very dangerous. We haven’t gotten very far in the cleaning process so… Rani. Rani! Michael would not be happy with this. Please return.”

For the first time, Rani thinks she might understand why Michael ignores so much of what Skeets says.

“It’s not a message for Mikey,” she informs the robot with a prideful huff. “It’s for me. Boppy wanted me to do something so that’s what I’m doing.”

“Whatever this is, I believe it is a terrible idea,” Skeets announces.

Despite her near constant quivering and skittish nature after the explosion of the Flashpoint, Rani is constantly aware of her adopted family around her. As much help as she isn’t in the cleaning and retrieving process, she knows that there are several things Michelle and Mikey have yet to contain.

Like the wormhole in the cupboard.

Rani’s knowledge of theoretical physics was far less than her knowledge about every episode of Zoo Crew Michael had gotten her on DVD. But she did know that one time, while working on the time sphere with Michael, Boppy had shaken a wrench and talked about using wormholes for transport.

And what did Michael and Michelle use to leave the Time Lab when they needed to? Transport.

It only makes sense. Even to her under ten mind.

“Rani,” Skeets is beginning to wind up into yet another speech just as Rani’s fingers brushed the steel frame of the cupboard.

“It’s okay, Skeets,” Rani assures the robot as she opens the door. “Mikey said it would be okay.”

“That is not quite reassuring,” the robot retorts just as they enter into the whitish glow.

Skeets, unfortunately, is wise beyond his years as it turns out.

Rani feels a pressure build up against her body the moment the light engulfs her. It��s pressing on her, stopping her body from breathing or screaming, compacting her, squeezing her. She immediately feels blood flushing to her face, heating up and making her eyes swim in their sockets as tears begin rolling out.

This isn’t even close to what she had been expecting when it came to transport and wormholes. Mikey and Michelle never mentioned it.

“Rani!” Skeets’ electronic voice carries, even as Rani’s ears pop with the pressure.

It’s hard to see with the blurring whiteness, but soon the golden swatch of Skeets is upon her. A silver arm extends out from a slot on his underside and Skeets begins reaching out.

The pressure feels like it is building up behind Rani’s nose and into her mouth, but she focuses just enough to reach out and be snatched by Skeets’ extended hand.

The moment they connect and make contact, the whirling of the wormhole around them comes to a stop.

All the pressure that had built up against Rani releases with a terrifying POP and she not only can scream, but she can hear herself scream as her butt hits a cold concrete floor and slides to a stop.

She’s shaking uncontrollably and her scream is cut short into an unexpected but high pitched wail.

Even with daylight filtering into the room she is in and bulbs on overhead, the new place Rani is in might as well as be a pit with the sudden change from the wormhole’s eerie glow.

Her body is no longer pushing against itself or into places, it feels like jello against her bones, and if it weren’t for Skeets actively holding onto her wrist she might have already collapsed.

All in all, the transport may have taken five seconds. Perhaps not even that.

Rani huffs and chokes on air as her vision adjusts. She knows she’s in a new place, she knows that her transportation experience is over, but everything else is a painful and terrifying reality.

Skeets lowers his hovering and comes close to her line of sight.

“I apologize, Rani,” Skeets says in his familiar robotic tone. “Transporting is not easy on smaller bodies like yours and mine. And without a direct destination somehow directed to it, it can take longer than expected. I am sure with your claustrophobia and neuroticism about destructive forces this was not an easy or simple journey—“

Not even waiting for the tiny robot to finish, Rani flings her arms around his metallic body and draws him in for a a calming hug. She feels his cool siding against her cheek and catches her breath finally.

Skeets seems to sputter in place for a moment, a whirring noise coming from his internal gadgetry.

Then, affectionately, the same metallic clamp that had held Rani by the arm before pats her back.

There is calm between them, if only for a moment.

It ends when a heavy door pushes against its hinges and hit the metal walls on the other side of the room they’re in. The lights immediately turn on, heavy and loud, as a man’s voice carries.

“No, I’m telling you, it was weird,” the voice says as boots walk across the concrete floor. “How weird? I don’t know, Bea, weird enough for me to call you and ask about it.”

The hairs on Rani’s neck prickle and she looks wide eyed into the direction of the noise as she lets go of Skeets. Her heart picks up even more from its already frantic pace as she sees the daunting shadow of the man walking across the room. It has been a very long time since she has been this close to anyone who wasn’t Mikey, Michelle, or Boppy. And the last one had been a Nazi, which means super duper bad person from her understanding.

Her regrets of leaving are building up rather quickly.

“No, I don’t know how you can get a hold of him, it’s just… I’m worried. And…” The man stops and stares right at her and Skeets.

He’s not a tall man compared to everyone else in the Time Lab. Not short like she is, but not as tall. His hair is a mousy brown, sticking up in several places but especially underneath the yellow goggles on his head and over his ears in a way that reminds Rani of Boppy just a bit. His face is full of expression, big eyes and a roundness to his cheeks that makes Rani want to see him smile.

And every wrinkle on his forehead is gaining length as his eyebrows race quicker to his hairline.

“Hey, uh, I’ve gotta go,” the man says into the phone pressed to his head. “Yeah, I know it’s sudden. But there’s like…. A child in my lab. And I’m mildly freaking out about how weird my day is. Tell Tora I said hi.”

After a moment, the phone pressed against the side of the man’s head stops glowing and he’s left in place with a paper bag that smells much better than Mikey’s cooking in the other.

“Okay,” the man says, taking a deep breath, “strange child staring at me in my lab not saying a word…”

“Skeets?” Rani whispers, turning her head ever so slightly toward the robot without taking her eyes off the man.

Skeets whirs in that happy way that seems like a recorder starting before circling in the air once and making it to Rani’s other side. “Rani, this is Theodore Kord, formerly known as the Blue Beetle. He is the CEO and prime technologist of Kord Industries, begun by—“

“Whoa whoa whoa!” the man calls out, holding out his hands with as many fingers as he can spare extended. “First of all: Skeets? What the hell? I just saw you. Second of all: ixnay onyay ethay eetlebay, okayay?” He then lowers his hands as he shifts toward looking squarely at Rani once again. “Of all the third: …hey? Are you okay? You uhh… seem to be a child in my super unsafe and barely halfway managed laboratory. Which is probably as new for you as it is for me.”

Rani, finally catching her breath, pushes up from the floor. The wheels are turning in her head as she holds the gaze of this mystery man. “Blue Beetle…” she gaps in wonder.

He lets out a grunt of frustration and glances at Skeets. “Now, see? You’ve doxxed me, Skeets!”

“It is not a difficult task, Mister Kord,” Skeets retorts shortly.

“Well, I went to a Big Belly Burger dressed like this, so I see your point! BWAH HA HA HA!”

Rani is unsure of herself and concerned until that laughter hits the air.

It’s not like any laugh she’s heard before, like a rumbling explosion from deep inside someone. The kind of laughter that can’t wait to escape someone and infect everyone around them.

One time, while tucking her in, Mikey had told Rani that his best friend Ted had the greatest laugh in the whole world.

And, now, Rani is hearing it.

“Ted Kord is KEY!” she remembers the message out loud.

The former Blue Beetle abruptly ends his rumbling laugh and glances toward Rani curiously. “I’m what? OOF!”

Ted’s question is barely out of his mouth before Rani is crashing into his waist, wrapping herself around him tight and squeezing with all her might. It’s the kind of hug Mikey gives her, and she hopes Ted Kord can tell it. The confusion in his utterances suggests that he probably can’t tell.

“Okay, help me out here, Skeets, I’m mildly freaking out,” Ted says.

“Thank you, Mister Kord,” Rani says with jubilation. “Thank you for having the best laugh in the whole world, and being the bravest man, and for being Mikey’s bestest friend ever!”

“I guess this is where I say… you’re welcome? And then ask you your name or something,” Ted responds.

Looking up, smiling the best she can, Rani answers, “I’m Rani.”

“You’re Rani,” Ted repeats. Suddenly, there’s a glint in his eyes and he sets his bag and his phone down on the floor behind him. “Rani… Rani… Booster’s appointment or whatever earlier. And you’re with Skeets. Who is not being helpful whatsoever, by the by.”

“I apologize, Mister Kord, but I am limited by the… uncertainty of many factors currently,” Skeets admitted. “I do not believe Booster Gold has tested the effects of this meeting yet.”

Ted’s brows squeeze together, causing worry lines to surface on his forehead. “Tested? Booster? I didn’t even think he tested the products he shilled for.” He then puts a steady hand on the top of Rani’s head. “And you, pipsqueak—“

“I’m Rani,” she reminds him firmly.

“I’ve never heard of you before. What’re you doing hanging around with Booster?”

Rani blinks through her confusion. It’s such a strange question. And certainly nothing close to what she has thought of before. She’s with Booster and at Time Lab because… Isn’t that where she belongs now? With no planet and no adopted family and no—

Her breath catches in her throat and she’s shaking slightly. She catches herself doing it, but she can’t stop it.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Ted says, lowering down to one knee in front of her and getting to her level. His jovial face is all scrunched up in concern now. “Calm down there, kiddo. I didn’t mean to get you worked up.”

“I am afraid she has been through a lot, Mister Kord,” Skeets excuses.

“Apparently,” Ted says, a tinge of something more scrutinizing and suspicious in the corner of his eye.

Taking a deep breath, Rani grabs hold of Ted’s shoulder. When he looks her in the eyes, Rani says gently, “Mikey takes care of me. And… I take care of him.”

Ted looks her over before offering a soft and genuine smile. “Sounds like tough work,” he says solemnly. “But you seem pretty tough.”

Rani considers the ways her teeth chatter and her heart races and her chest tightens so much and so hard. And she thinks that tough is like Boppy or Mikey saving the day or Michelle defending their home. “Really?” she questions.

“Absolutely,” Ted says. “If you’re looking for Booster, Skeets should’ve told you that you’re late by quite a bit.”

Warmth spreads through Rani’s chest and she feels her shoulders roll back more confidently than they’ve been in a while. She is pretty tough when she thinks about it.

“Say, I actually ran through this grease bucket called Big Belly Burger to get the fries with Booster’s stupid pretty face on it,” Ted jokes, throwing a thumb back toward the brown paper bag. “A joke for… whenever he gets back here. I can’t eat that kind of stuff anymore… but something tells me if you’re hanging out with Booster he’s put you on a strict diet of whatever your adorable face asks or something.” He pauses for Rani’s giggles and, with a soft smile, adds, “So do you want something to eat?”

“I didn’t know Mikey was on food…” Rani admits, grabbing for the bag as Ted Kord offers them to her.

“Wow, I feel like that’s the only thing most people do know about him!” Ted laughs at the irony. “For a good minute there, it felt like it was the only thing I knew about him, too.”

Rani downs the fries quicker than even she expected. They’re greasy and gross like a lot of the food from this century that Mikey complains about. But that’s also kind of good about it in a way.

By the time she’s licking her fingers, Ted is on some strange, boxy device, fiddling with the buttons and lights on it.

“What’s that?” she asks.

“My Justice League communicator. The old version,” he admits. “I’m trying to get a hold of Booster and… uh… figure things out.”

Confused herself, Rani tilts her head. “But why don’t you know already, Ted Kord?” she asks him suspiciously. “You’re supposed to be the key!”

“To what?” he asks right back, looking up from the communicator with a brow on high alert. “And what do you mean by this key stuff anyway? Is that something Booster said to you?”

“No, it’s on Boppy’s board,” she answers firmly.

“Caution, Rani,” Skeets chides, floating in on the conversation. “You must remember the rules. Who knows what dangers can be unleashed on all of reality by testing them.”

With a gasp, Rani claps her greasy fingers over her mouth.

“Hey, now, that’s a lot of pressure to put on a kid, Skeets,” Ted argues. “And what are you even going on about?”

Uncertain of what to say back, Rani bites on her bottom lip and looks at Skeets. But the robot does not seem to be all that concerned about answering.

“It will be best if we wait for Booster Gold to answer,” Skeets assures her instead.

“I hope he brings drinks like we promised,” Ted mutters with a roll of his eyes. “After all this excitement today I feel like I earned it.”

Rani’s tiny heart races in her chest for a moment, regret and worry building up as If she had been taking stock for her anxiety to unleash in that moment. Boppy left her his message, she is doing the right thing. Right?

The excitement in her frame doesn’t have time to subside, however, as a large boom and flash occur in the same room as them.

Ted covers his eyes and tries to turn in the direction of the excitement. “Booster?” he calls out.

“For the good of all reality,” a booming, yet hauntingly familiar voice calls from the light as it dulls around them, “and for the survival of the multiverse…”

Once the light is dulled significantly, Rani blinks and can make out the slick black armor of the tall and imposing man across the room from them. And, more importantly, she can make out the shape and direction of the gun he is holding as well.

“Oh, fu—“ Ted says, getting to his feet.

“… Ted Kord, you must die!” Black Beetle snarls before pulling the trigger.

#writing #dc fic #DC: Some Times (Time and Time Again)#Rani #Ted Kord #Blue Beetle #Skeets #Booster Gold #Michael Jon Carter #Black Beetle

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afinepricklypear · 4 years

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Mother’s Day and Mental Health Awareness Month

**Warning - This post talks about depression, mental disorder, and an attempted suicide. Please do not read if you are sensitive to these topics. The events described here are real and true to the best of my memory.**

I went to make a post May 1st and Tumblr was kind enough to inform me that May is Mental Health Awareness month. It isn’t without irony for me that Mental Health Awareness month occurs the same month as Mother’s Day.

My relationship with my mother is a difficult topic, it’s usually only one I can talk about with my sisters, but it’s this time of year that people most want to talk about moms. When I was younger, I didn’t know what to say when people brought up their moms and mom-like behavior in general, mostly foreign concepts to me. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned I don’t have to say anything at all, like in my work meeting this morning when our supervisor reminded us all to call our mom’s this weekend, you know, “if they’re still alive”, since most of our department are near retiring age, but I don’t always know how to feel. Here comes the guilt: do I call, do I text, do I take the risk that she’ll be in a good mood or will she turn it around, again, like the year I sent her a gift and she used my gesture as ammo to attack my “ungrateful” older sister that’s still trying to untangle her own complicated relationship with our mother. I’m ten again, twelve again, sixteen again, walking on eggshells around a house where the air is so thick with the constant fog of her misery, I can’t see farther than a minute into my future.

There were good moments, of course, like any home. She was always the more encouraging parent when it came to my writing, my father would pick it all apart – in the long run, both approaches helped me become a better writer. There was the time she was given two tickets to see Mama Mia at the casino where she dealt, and she chose to take me. We got dressed up, she leant me this white faux fur jacket and some of her jewelry, curled my hair and did my make-up, she was riding high on her emotions. She took me to a fancy dinner at the Hard Rock Café before the show. We didn’t get spoiled often, and to this day, Mama Mia and ABBA hold a special place in my heart. I always think of her singing along to the radio in the car, she has a nice voice, and maybe in another life, she could’ve been a singer.

There were moments when she was trying to be sweet and it still leaves me with conflicted emotions. Like the time the German shepherd she took off the hands of a coworker who was afraid of him violently attacked me. She bandaged me up, laid in bed with me and comforted me, it’s the most motherly I ever remember her being. She kept the dog for a while after that, I still have scars on both my arms from the attack, I’ll have them the rest of my life, just like my little sister will still have her scars from when it attacked her, and my friend who came to visit will still have the scar it gave her…my older sister was only lucky that it was muzzled when it went for her face. My mother was convinced she had a special connection with this dog, that in his heart of hearts he believed he was protecting her, so I get it, she didn’t want to get rid of something that she felt loved her unconditionally.

Sometimes it’s hard to conjure these kinder memories, they become overwhelmed with the harder, darker ones that feel infinitely more numerous. There are the moments that seem innocuous, when you could say I was acting a spoiled child, like the time I was in middle school and I wanted to keep my hair long, but my mother decided I needed bangs. My dad tried to stop it, but she had made up her mind. I cried and pleaded with her but she commanded the reluctant stylist to chop the hair off. Armed with a brush and blow-dryer, she attempted to show me “it was cute” that night and things escalated to the point my dad and older sister were stepping in, arguing with my mom to let me be. I went back to that same hair stylist with my friend who was getting her hair cut the next day, and the stylist apologized, confessed that she didn’t want to cut my hair, told me it was so healthy and beautiful too, and she felt terrible doing it. Years later, when I was an adult and decided to cut my hair short with sideswept bangs, my mother would throw this memory back in my face, “sure, now you want bangs”, still incapable of understanding that it wasn’t about her, but about me wanting to define my own body and style. She did the same to my older sister in high school, dyed her hair blonde – it took so much bleach to lighten her naturally dark hair color that the hair looked fried afterwards and we were all amazed it didn’t fall out. Never mind that my older sister never wanted blonde hair to begin with, it was antithetical to her personality, and she won’t even go near the hair dye aisle now.

There are the moments where my mom was so unreasonable that everyone felt helpless, like the day I was alone in my room, my sisters in the living room talking and watching television – doing I don’t know what – and my mom was sleeping in her room because she worked graveyard shift at this time. Suddenly, inexplicably, my mom came into my room in a rage, “how dare you call your little sister stupid,” she scolded me, she continued to berate me for being cruel and mean, even as I told her, baffled, I didn’t know what she was talking about, even as my sisters argued with her, “no one called anyone stupid. She wasn’t even in the room with us.” My mother wouldn’t listen, she knew what she heard, she grounded me and, matter settled, left back to bed. My dad got home from work not long after, and I was in my room still bawling, inconsolable and unable to work out what I’d done wrong. He asked my sisters why I was crying and they explained, and, again, my mom comes storming in my room yelling, “how dare you tattle on me to your dad!” I don’t remember much of what happened from there, my dad stepped in, they argued the rest of the night, and he would later assure me I wasn’t grounded. It was the only thing he could undo from that day.

There are other, harder to define moments. The nights my mom would argue with my dad, we’d be in bed, school in the morning, and she’d turn on all our bedroom lights, rip the covers off our beds, and scream at us to get out of her house, that she was putting us all out on the streets and it was our father’s fault. I remember vividly the fight between my parents that happened in the day, everyone awake in the house, I collapsed in the kitchen as my mother ranted that we all hated her so she should leave and we won’t have to deal with her anymore, and I cried and trembled, overwhelmed with the thought, I don’t want anyone to leave, I don’t want to lose my family. I had to get out, so I did, walked right out of the house, not sure where I’d go, and my mother panicked and raced after me, put an arm over my shoulders, coaxed me back to the house. The moment the door closed; she was yelling at us again for not loving her enough and I realized I couldn’t leave, I was trapped. There was the gambling addiction, every Christmas we would be prepared, “mom lost a lot of money at the casino last night, we might not have a Christmas this year” – we had learned not to expect anything anyways and that every gift came with a quid pro quo and years of ‘remember I did this for you’. My older sister and her then-boyfriend, now-husband, watched my mom gamble away more than a month’s mortgage and spend the entire night chasing it back.

I’m thinking about all of this more recently, I think, since I started writing some fanfics for the Bungou Stray Dogs community. One of the main characters of the show is named after and inspired by author, Dazai Osamu, a man that died prematurely from a double suicide. This is treated tongue-and-cheek by the anime and its original manga through Dazai’s many failed suicide attempts and his odd flirtation strategy of asking ladies to commit double suicide with him. I kind of like this approach to the topic, it might on the surface seem insensitive to make a joke of something so serious as depression, but humor can be therapeutic and give us an easier way to broach otherwise difficult subjects.

I was in high school when my older sister and I were allowed to be in on the conversations about my mother’s mental disorder, both undiagnosed and untreated. We’d all speculate, my father and his sister, my mother’s sister, my sisters and I, the favorite theory was bipolar disorder, but we may never know. My mom refused then and refuses to this day to seek help. There were little things about her past before marrying my dad that we were allowed to know as we got older, too. Like, how she’d been put in a hospital that wanted to keep her there for further treatment – they knew something was wrong but didn’t know what, this was during a time when bipolar disorder was unheard of and they called similar diagnoses ‘manic depression’ – and she had to threaten legal action to get released. When she was eighteen, she had married a man knowing he had a terminal illness in order to help him get his green card, he died two years later, and she still considers him the great love of her life. We’re told by the media, movies like A Walk to Remember, that this is romantic, but in reality, it’s an unhealthy fixation on a relationship that was doomed from the start. She idolizes the memory of it, puts it on a pedestal as the standard for all of her other relationships to compare to, but it isn’t realistic. It was a relationship with a known expiration date, it wasn’t a real commitment, nothing had to matter because it would all come to an end soon, and they never reached the hard parts of a marriage – children, growing old, changing bodies, financial struggles, loss and disagreement. She went through a deep depression after he died and it reached a point that her sister had her placed on a suicide watch and thus began her long and sordid history of depression.

There are a lot of fanfics in the BSD community that explore a darker tone to Dazai’s depression, to varying degrees of accuracy. I mostly steer clear of them. There is one writer in the community that I won’t name, they’re an amazing writer with beautiful technical skill, and they do an impeccable job of showing depression exactly as it is for those who live it and those who live with a person that suffers from it. I left a one-word comment on one of their stories, the only positive thing I could say, and I couldn’t write anymore without the comment turning into an emotional lecture, I don’t know that author’s personal emotional state, but I also won’t read any more from them. It wasn’t the accurate depiction of depression that turned me off from the story, but the depiction of Dazai’s depression being known by all the characters in the story, including himself, but he won’t seek treatment for it, and all of the characters are shown to enable his depression and put up with his abuses that stem from his disorder. In the story he was placed in an intimate relationship with the character, Chuuya, and Chuuya is painted as the patron saint of boyfriends, willing to overlook Dazai’s every episode, draw him back from the ledge and bandage up his scars with an endless patience and gentleness. I couldn’t move passed the romanticizing of this relationship dynamic. Chuuya is shown to be noble and celebrated for his self-sacrifice and unconditional love that compels him to stay beside Dazai despite everything Dazai inflicts upon himself and Chuuya, and more importantly, despite Dazai’s refusal to get treatment.

My mother’s emotional state was constantly our responsibility growing up. She was sad because we didn’t love her. She was angry because we were ungrateful. She was miserable because we couldn’t see all that she did for us. If she hurt us with her words, if she lashed out at us irrationally, it was our fault, because we didn’t do everything right. Never mind that what was right could change within a minute in a day. Too often when someone in your life is suffering from a mental disorder, you’re made to shoulder the blame, either unintentionally by them as they suffer from their illness or intentionally by well-meaning individuals outside of the situation that don’t know better: you just need to give them love. If they take their own life, it’s your fault, you didn’t love them enough.

It was the Friday before Mother’s Day, I was in my early twenties, finishing up my degree in Anthropology (after changing my major, I don’t know how many times). My parents were long since divorced and my mom lived alone in the house where I grew up, still shrouded in all of those dark memories. My mother’s sister had recently left town after a short visit, she had called me a few days earlier to let me know my mother lost her job that week and was struggling to get out of the depression. In retrospect, she’d been sinking for a while now, after the violent dog and so many other incidents like it left us all with too many scars to overlook and we didn’t know how to walk back into that house, how to feel safe there. She’d covered herself in tattoos, cut her hair short, wore different wigs to work every day, she’d gained a lot of weight and was chain smoking so much there was a permanent haze in the house. None of these things should be thought of as red flags for everyone, it should be taken on an individual basis, but for my mother they were all signs that she was spiraling. She didn’t like who she saw in the mirror and was desperately trying to cover it up, find someone she did like. I had promised her I would come over, make her a dinner for Mother’s Day, and I would take her to see a movie. I was on my phone with my aunt when I pulled up, snowballing ideas for what to do if things got serious and if we needed to think about placing her on a suicide watch, how that would work. I rang the doorbell; it was outside of the gate she put around the front yard for her dogs to go in the front yard.

No answer.

Rang it again.

Still no answer.

She knew I was coming over.

I opened the gate, went to the door, the door was cracked open, my aunt was on the phone in my ear, “what’s going on?” I opened the door fully and my mom’s dogs came to greet me. The house was in disarray, furniture toppled over, papers scattered across the floor, so many of the details are blurred out of memory, I remember distinctly a ceramic statue broken on the floor but I couldn’t tell you what it was a statue of. I could hear a low intermittent moan coming from farther in the house. I followed it down the hall to my mother’s room, into her bathroom, where she was collapsed, naked, on the floor of her shower.

I told my aunt I had to go, I hung up and dialed 911. In the moment, I didn’t know how panicked I really was, my voice unnaturally high, my body warm and shaking and electric with adrenaline. That feeling hits me again, sometimes, when I don’t expect it. There was white like foam around my mother’s mouth, her eyes stared wide and blank at the ceiling, her every breath was that guttural moan as she attempted to draw air in, an autonomic action, she was completely unresponsive. Her body was on autopilot, and so was mine. I’d been rehearsing for a long time what to do in that situation, it’s the only way I made it through everything that needed to be done. I gave the dispatcher the address, answered her questions, “I think she did something to herself but I don’t know what…no, there’s no pills nearby…no, I don’t see anything in the trash…she’s been severely depressed…she has a history of depression…”, between pleading with my mom, “please don’t leave me, please stay with me, mom,” and wrestling her dogs into the front yard and out of the house. The dispatcher told me the ambulance was on its way and asked if I wanted her to stay on the line and I begged her not to hang up, not to leave me with nothing but the moans of my dying mother, she didn’t say anything during that time, was just silently present as I talked to my mom and waited for the paramedics. They couldn’t come in until I got the dogs out back, I cursed and screamed at the unruly mongrels and felt an irrational anger that my mom never got them properly trained.

I took a seat in the kitchen, let the paramedics work and my brain shut down. I called my aunt back, told her what happened. The paramedics came to ask me questions, I tried to answer them but I didn’t know and my aunt was correcting me over the phone, so I handed her over and let her talk to them. They took my mother away to the hospital and I was alone, in that childhood house, that held so many horrible memories of my mother’s untreated disorder, and every aspect of our lives that it colored and perverted. Every Mother’s Day was always fraught with anxiety, I think it was my mother’s least favorite day, her mood was always sour, and no matter what we gave her or tried to do for her, it wasn’t enough. Even the year before, the Mother’s Day when she told us exactly what to get her. She was so happy with her present, a sterling silver ring with our birthstones imbedded that cost us all a pretty penny – I was paying my own way through college, my older sister was paying rent on a Starbucks salary, and my little sister didn’t have a job – but a week later we were ungrateful brats again. There was one Mother’s Day when I was maybe ten or eleven, we’d set her up roses and two cards – one from my father and one from her daughters. I was watching television and waiting for her to come home from work to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. She came in and years of practice had taught me to recognize she was in a dark mood, a cigarette on her lip, her posture tense, muttering under her breath about how nobody loved her, nobody cared. She stalked to the desk, ripped the cards in half without opening them and threw them on the ground in front of me without sparing me one glance or word, and stormed to her room, slammed the door behind her.

We would later find out that my mother drank antifreeze, a method that has about a 5% survival rate. She was in a coma for about a month. It was another few weeks before they took the respirator tube out and her throat recovered enough that she could talk in small sentences, and not without effort and pain. She told us she filled a cup with the antifreeze, showed us with her fingers set apart how high she’d put it in the glass, when she finished, she washed the cup and stuck it in the dishwasher, hiding the evidence. She’d always heard antifreeze was flavorless but it tasted awful – they add flavoring to antifreeze to deter people from accidentally ingesting it. She’d thought it would be quick, but it’s really an excruciatingly painful and long, drawn out way to die. She’d stripped in her deliria and taken a shower because her body felt so awful, feverish and almost on fire, as it was shutting down and her nerves fried from the chemical reaction. I wrestled for a long time with the ethical delimma of my choices in that moment after finding her, and there was a thought that stuck with me through it all: What did I get my mother for Mother’s Day? I saved her life, and it was still the wrong gift.

It isn’t noble or romantic to stay with someone who refuses to get professional treatment for their mental disorder. There is no amount of love or patience or understanding that will heal them. In most situations, the harder and braver thing to do is walk away. None of us is a perfect person and none of us should have to bear the burden of another person’s unwillingness to get help when they need it. It took me a long time to come to terms with the notion that there is no one to blame in this situation. It isn’t my fault that I can’t give my mother the love she craves. It isn’t my mother’s fault that she can’t see the love that her daughters wanted to give her. But it is her responsibility to get help. If she refuses help, no one can force it on her.

It’s been years now since this happened. My mother is now as recovered as she’ll ever be. Her mind isn’t as sharp, and she struggles with controlling her muscles and the devastating damage to her nervous system that will never fully heal. She remains undiagnosed and is not receiving any kind of professional guidance or treatment. There have been new, dark memories, added to the old ones, in those times when we tried to be supportive and “there for her” during her recovery. Episodes that remind us she doesn’t want to change and she never will. So, we keep our interactions to a minimum, answer when she texts, try to help her when she asks for it, check in every so often. She lives on the other side of the country with two cats and goes regularly to the neighborhood karaoke bar. In a weird way, she seems happier with this set up, this distance between her and all of the pain that my sisters and I seemed to bring her, that constant demand for love that we couldn’t fulfill, maybe it really was all our fault and we were the ones to blame, or maybe it’s because I’m not living with her depression anymore.

I don’t know if I’ll call my mother on Mother’s Day, but for anyone else out there with a complicated relationship with their mother, it’s okay if you decide not to call your mother either.

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tanukijay-official · 4 years

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Countries Away Prologue

((This is a countryhumans au fanfic I write in my quotev. Follow me at @SweetLittleBumblebeeTFP on there. Here the link. https://www.quotev.com/SweetLittleBumblebeeTFP

Okay, here the summary-

Amos Janesville is an older brother of 4. As a bisexual male, he's often bullied. His only friends are those like him. So when he gets a flag of the United States of America painted on him, his life drastically changes in more ways than one.

And now here the story))

All I need is a little love in my life

All I need is a little love in the dark

A little but I'm hoping it might kickstart

Me and my broken heart

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Up and over!" Amos Janesville watched as his brother Candon use his skateboard to perform a trick. He landed a 180 and the board rolled on the ramp, with his foot slightly dragging. “How’d I do Amos?” Candon asked, one hand on his hip and the other picking up his new high-speed skateboard. Amos smiled.

"You did great, Candy!" He said, clapping. "Y'know, I got worried when you got the thing, but you're awesome at it! Now I need to find my perk." Candon laughed.

"Amos, you don't need a perk! You're already awesome!" He said, flipping the board into the air and catching it. "I mean, sure, Zeke has his music, and Austin has his reptiles, but you're you!" Amos chuckled. The twins - while a minute apart - were nothing like each other. Austin was an outdoorsman and Zeke was a natural song writer and singer. Even Amos couldn't match up to them.

"Oh yeah? What do I have that you guys don't?" Amos asked Candon.

"You're gay. That's something." Candon offered after thinking about it. His brother cupped one hand on the bridge of his nose and inhaled in a dramatic fashion.

“First off I’m bi, there’s a difference dear brother of mine,” Amos retorted, crossing his arms. “Second of all sexuality has nothing to do with this! I’m talking about any talents I might have,” Candon made an 'o' with his mouth and nodded.

"Well, you can... fight! I've seen you duke it out against Russel!" Russell Sovienda, a Russian boy in Amos's sparring class and also his rival, was also known for being the brother of Candon's crush, Ukiah. Amos smirked.

"Okay, maybe I can. But you guys can too!" He said.

”Maybe I can, maybe I can’t brother,” Candon told him, shrugging his shoulders. “Anyway we should probably get to class, we don’t want to worry Jackie by being late,” - Jackie Kiastu, the new Japanese transfer student to Burreling High School, immediately became friends with the brothers. Her stylish looks and all around cute hair made her a little popular too.

”Yeah, you’re right Candy. Don’t want her to freak out,” Amos replied, picking up his backpack and started heading across the street from the skate park.

"I wonder if Spencer will be at school this time. He's always missing class." Spencer Española, one of Amos's childhood friends, was a kid with problems. He missed school and barely showed. Even the Janesville brothers didn't know where he was. Zeke thought that he was probably being held hostage by his dad, but there were doubts.

"You wonder about Spencer. I'll think about her." Amos smiled as his mind drifted off to the Filipino girl, Philippa Maharlika. Philippa's full name was Philippines, but she went by Philippa. Her sharpie tattoos and badass attitude were what drew Amos to her. Candon snickered.

"Y'know, maybe if you actually asked her out, maybe you could snag her." He teased. Amos cheeks dusted to an almost fully light red color, he tugged his brother’s ponytail gently.

“Do you think she’d actually say yes?” He asked as they neared the school.

"Bro, I know that'd she'd say yes! You're the coolest guy around. And let's not forget who saved her from being attacked by Spencer's dad." Candon smiled, looking towards the large building, then stopping.

"Candon, what's up?" Amos asked, looking in the same direction. He froze. A group of kids were being herded to a certain spot of the courtyard. The brothers exchanged glances, and neared the spot.

"AMOS! CANDON!" Amos and Candon whipped their heads toward the crowd. When they felt a pair of hands shove them over to the crowd, both brothers froze. As they arrived they heard an all too familiar word ring inside their ears; Belle and Russel were standing in the middle of the circle as was Spencer and Jackie. “We have another pair before the fight begins,” - It was a cool and clear as daylight, Gesper seemed to be the cause of the issue.

“What the hell are you doing?” Amos asked the German teen. Though he kept his lips sealed and pushed the brothers in the rest of the way.

"Oh shit..." Candon said. "Amos-" Amos stopped his brother there.

"Don't worry, Candon, I'm a pro at this." He made his fists and the fight began. Russel ran to Amos, tackling him. "OOF-"

"Nowhere to hide, Amos!" He said in a thick Russian accent. Amos grunts and shoved him off.

"No where to run, Russ." He turned to Candon. "Okay, you deal with Spence and Jackie. I got Russel and Belle." Candon nodded and ran forward to them, throwing punches here and there. Amos turned his attention on Russel, who sucker punched him in the face. Amos threw them back. By the time it was first period, the students were sore and aching. Spencer put his hands on his back and cracked it.

"Mierda. Who knew we'd be doing a fucking fight? Never thought Gesper would do that." He commented as his back emitted a loud crack. Before he could respond, Amos was tackled.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" The voice that Amos knew as his brother Zeke said. How he managed to get to the high school was a mystery, since he and Austin were middle schoolers. But as he studied his brother he noticed something off. His face was different.... the New Zealand's flag was on his face. The paint had dried, and it felt rough like their cat: Wendy’s fur.

“Candon come see this. I have no idea what to make of it,” Candon looked at Zeke's face.

"What happened, Zeke?" Zeke shrugged.

"Some guy grabbed Aus and I and painted our faces like this. Told us to not wash it off. Kinda weird if you ask me. Austin got Australia." He explained, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Kinda weird if you asked me." Amos sighed.

"The hell? Why would someone do that?" Jackie asked. Zeke shrugged again.

"Dunno, but Aus and I weren't the only ones - a couple of girls named Indiana Kakai, Mallory Itu, and Brittany Miller got picked too. Indiana got Indonesia, Mallory got Malaysia, and Brittany got Britan. Philippa also got one - Philippines." He counted off. Amos blanched.

"Philippines? Is she okay-" Zeke raised a hand.

"She's fine. Protective much?" He asked him.

Amos groaned and covered his face, hiding the new shades of pink dusting it. “Let’s not talk about it right now,” He told Zeke, grabbing the older twin’s shoulders. “Especially not in front of Gesper and his annoying crew,”

"Just head back home and we’ll see you there. Alright?” Candon spoke.

Zeke nodded and picked up his things before charging out of the high school gates. “See you then!”

He let out a sigh of relief and slung his arm around Candon’s shoulders. “We really have to go to class, can’t have mom finding out,”

”If you say so..,”

#countryhumans #au #countryhumans america #countryhumans canada #countryhumans spain #countryhumans japan #countryhumans philippines

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bakubros · 6 years

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Tagged by @artsytodoroki, @minaaashido, @pilotpig! This was so much fun to fill out, guys! Thanks for tagging me. 💞

Rules: Answer 11 questions, Create 11 of your own, and Tag 11 people!

I’ll tag: @pinkcupofcherrytea, @dekudorks, @lupizora, @enonmia, @shulksfeels, @mysonisthesun, @a-erith, anddddd.... just about anyone else who’s interested in doing this c; (i’m a lazy tagger, rip.) amy, shy, piggie, i’d love to see your answers as well if you have some free time!

(questions are at the veryyyyyy bottom of this read more, lol)

Amy’s Questions:

If you were a character in the BNHA universe, what quirk would you want to have? *nervous sweating* I actually have a really detailed OC I made for Hero Aca and now that I have the opportunity to show her off to the world, I’m getting nervous? LOL. I’ll just say that the quirk’s name is tentatively “flying fish” and then leave it at that for now... Until I find the courage to brag about it in depth... (I am actually in love with the idea and character I came up with, I’m just ??? Suddenly nervous for no reason?? LMAO)

Do you know your MBTI? If you do, what is it? INFP!

Are you somebody who thinks before you act or do you act before you think? It honestly depends on the context of the situation. When I’m with friends or people I’m comfortable with or when I’m tired, I act before I think. When I’m skeptical of others or anxious about how I’m being perceived, I think before I act.

What’s your current obsession? Mmm, tough! I’ve been really into watching movies recently, particularly the Oscar-nominated films. I’m sad because I side with the New Academy on a lot of their picks but know that the Old Academy still dominates so rip ;;;

If you ever wanted to change your name, what would it be? I used to hate my name and thought about changing it to “Willow Kathryn” instead of “Jessica Kathryn.” I don’t know what I was thinking when I was younger; I just know that, now that I’m older, I would never go through with such a change. LMAO

Least and favorite subjects in school? Favorite was literature, least favorite was (and will always be) math.

Describe yourself in one or two words. Passionate, Empathetic

How tall are you? 157 cm (though I like to think I’ve grown a bit ;;;;)

Do you have a phobia? I don’t think that any of my fears are strong enough to constitute a phobia? Though I will admit to an awful abhorrence of bugs.

Would you prefer to go where there’s less people or more people? I��m assuming you mean live? And if that’s the case, then less people. If it’s late at night or something though (like now!), I prefer to be around more people.

Do you believe that the world is divided into good and bad people or is everybody the same? if so, why? To assume that the world is Manichean feels like an antiquated, small-minded notion; to assume that everyone in the world is the same feels ignorant and dehumanizing. I believe that all “divisions” within our culture (I’m throwing morality into this category for the purpose of this question) are man-made constructs--in that sense, there’s no right or wrong answer. In my case, it’s just fundamental disagreement with the notion, lol. On the question of morality, however, I will say that I believe that all individuals exist on a spectrum and cannot be definitively good nor definitively bad; to label someone in a single category like that limits future perception of them and implies an inability for human change/growth.

Shy’s Questions:

[pre-school teacher voice] What do you want to be when you grow up? I wanted to be a teacher, and then a pediatrician, and then a writer, and then a professor. And now I’m back to teacher. We’ve come full circle. LOL.

What did you do today? GOT SOME OF MY SHIT TOGETHER!! Double-checked my degree audit with my advisers, met with the dean of my college to ensure that I’m on-track to meet the criteria for graduating summa cum laude with the dean’s medal in December, and discussed scholarship funding with some of my current sponsors. I thought that I was going to owe my school money after the summer, but it’s looking like they’re going to be paying me instead. 😎

What’s the last really good fanfic or meta you’ve read? I’ve... honestly been slacking really hard in the reading department for the fandom. I’ve been reading a lot of wips recently (which obviously haven’t been posted), but the last one that comes to mind is cherry chapstick on the tip of your tongue by oliviyay on ao3!

Do you prefer saying “y’all” or “you guys?” You guys!

What is the last thing you watched? A video of Die Mannschaft’s coach talking about how proud he is of His Boys™️.

How are you feeling? I just really want the semester to be over because I’m tired of the workload? But at the same time I’m really antsy about that because it means graduation is just that much closer?? And idk if I’m fully ready for that?? Like, I know that I am but like... I still don’t feel like an adult lekrjwlekrri

Favorite sitcom? Parks and Recreation, hands down. I binged the entire series when I was going through a bad breakup, and whenever I can’t sleep or need a pick-me-up, the show always has my back. I’m p sure that if Netflix ever removes it I will die.

Anime or manga or neither? I’ve always been partial to manga!

Favorite kind of smoothie? The Beach Bum at the Tropical Smoothie Cafe! I like it because I’m a sucker for chocolate, but the ingredients in the smoothie still make me feel like I’m healthy.

Got any allergies? I’m mildly allergic to dust and pollen. For some reason I’m severely allergic to a certain species of grass. (And, because I have the best of luck, it’s the species of grass that is native to Florida. It’s everywhere I go and I just want to be able to sit in the park without breaking out into hives. ;;;)

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever purchased? I just recently paid $800+ for VIP tickets for my parents and I to go see Elton John in concert. But, like, I know it’ll be worth it so I’m not even mad LMFAO

Piggie’s Questions:

What is your favorite soap scent? Ooooh, this is a really tough one! I can’t think of anything specific, but I’m a fan of scents with floral undertones!

What is the talent of yours that you are most proud of? Please go on and on and on about it!! (and don’t say you have no talents because I know all of you well enough to know that’s not true >:’D) Mmmmm, this is tough! This is more of a personality trait, I suppose, but I’m really stubborn when it comes to getting what I want; if I have a goal in mind, I do absolutely everything that I can to achieve it. So far, this has worked out really for me, which is why I’m considering it a talent? I’m sure that a lot of it is just good luck though. LMAO. I think that I also have really good memory! I remember seemingly insignificant details really well, which makes for fun writing. c:

What is your favorite book and why? Or TV show/anime/movie if you don’t like books? The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien--this book is honestly what inspired me to become a writer and holds a very special place in my heart. Second favorite would be The Mill on the Floss by George, and every time I’m reminded that it’s considered one of the worst books in classic lit I cry a little harder.

Which fictional character do you relate to the most? (And why, if you want?) Bakugou Katsuki, in terms of backstory (being praised when young and letting it go to my head), passion/ambition, and tendency for cursing. I’ve never been outspoken or antagonistic though, so that’s where our biggest difference is, lol. (He is still my Child though and I Would still die for him)

Do you have any collections? If so, what do you collect? Books and video games, I suppose! Though right now I’m also starting a magazine habit that I know I’ll regret in the future...

What are your top three best personality traits, and what is one thing about your personality that you want to work on? In no particular order: passion, empathy, and friendliness. I’d like to be more consistent outgoing when it comes to meeting new people and making new friends. I’ve been given many opportunities to form bonds with really awesome people, but I always get shy/awkward or just fudge it up. I’d really like to change that, haha.

Do you have any pets? If so, what is/are their personality/personalities like? I have a dog named Snowie! When she was younger, she was super rambunctious and liked playing in the dirt--wasn’t much of a cuddler. Now that she’s older, she’s a lot calmer. And she really likes cuddling which I really appreciate.

What is your preferred study method? Depends on what I’m doing specifically! If I’m reading lit or crit theory, I need an empty room, some good music, and soft lighting. If I’m preparing for a test or writing something up though, I need to be around other people. When it’s something that I don’t really want to do, constant supervision is necessary to make sure that I actually do it. LMAO.

What is the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done? Impromptu island hopping and cliff diving on my cousin’s boat during my last trip to the Philippines!

What are your life goals? Oh boy. Although I mentioned that I’m a very goal-oriented person, I’m really bad at designing long-term goals? I think that I’ve only ever gotten as far as five or so years in the future. I guess I’ll say that I want to work in a job that I enjoy, surround myself with people I care about, and do something that makes me feel like I’ve left a mark. (Ahhh, this was such a bad answer! Sorry! ;3;)

What is your favorite part of being on Tumblr? Probably the people I’ve met. The nice ones, ofc!

My Questions

What was your first big fandom? How did you get started in it and how did it inspire you?

Was there ever a fandom that you were a part of that you now regret? (catch me in middle school skipping class to watch the early premieres of the twilight movies and getting into intense debates over team edward v team jacob LMFAO)

If you had to pick an artist to create the OST of your life, who would it be? Why?

Tell me three things a person could say/do/believe to instantly taint your friendship/relationship with them.

I suck at cooking. Do you? If you don’t, what’s your favorite thing to make? (hmu with a recipe and i’ll love you for life lmfao)

If you had to name a daughter right now, what would you name them? What if you had a son? (Alternatively, if you have no interest in children, what name would you like to give a female/male character that you create?)

Let’s say you were to die right here, right now. What would be your biggest regret?

Think of one really, really good teacher you had. What made them so great?

What’s your “origin story”? If you had to explain why you are the way you are by only pointing at one event in your life, which one would you choose?

Tumblr is an actual hellhole. But what do you like about it?

How are you? (I’m stealing Shy’s question because I really like it lmao)

#tagged #longpost #long post #WOW that took me forever to type up aslkfje;wl

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miraniel · 6 years

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l85 questions tag game

Tagged by @peppermintfeminist. Hi mate! You’re the best!

— What was your last…

1. Drink: Alcoholic? You’re kidding right? I recently tried a milliliter of Somerset Apple Brandy and NOPE, never again. Non-alcoholic? Water with lemon.

2. Phone call: My parents, just before I left for England, where I am now (not over the excitement yet)

3. Text message: “Yes” in response to my grandmother, who asked if I got her text.

4. Song you listened to: Reflection from Mulan

5. Time you cried: Two days ago, in the middle of a back country road in Somerset, over a goddamn Severus Snape fanfic. I’m still mad that the writer actually managed to make me care about fucking Snape.

— Have you ever…

6. Dated someone twice: No. Have I dated someone once? Yes, but only by accident.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: No.

8. Been cheated on: Look I’m ace as fuck and have never dated really ever.

9. Lost someone special: Yes, I’ve lost friends in multiple senses.

10. Been depressed: I don’t think so.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Any alcohol has this taste for me that the best I’ve been able to describe it is “rancid nickles,” it’s bloody awful, and I’ve never been able to stomach more than a sip of the stuff, so no.

— Fave colours

12. Olive green.

13. Purple.

14. Deep cerulean.

— in the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: Not really. I made a couple of cordial acquaintences in the drama productions I’ve been in, but no one close.

16. Fallen out of love: No, see above about being ace as fuck. Now, my brief obsession with the show Sherlock...

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes. So many times.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes, in both good ways and bad ways.

19. Met someone who changed you: So many people. Just one who springs to mind is my Education professor at college. She was amazing.

20. Found out who your friends are: I am fully aware that I am a terrible long-distance friend. It’s my worst flaw and I wish I was better about this. I think I’ve betrayed more friendships by just letting them slip away than I ever have had people turn on, or abandon, me.

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: Unless we’re referring to familial pecks on cheeks... no.

— General

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: Nearly all of them, apart from one random guy that my cousins met online and who has since befriended the entire family.

23. Do you have any pets: I no longer live at home, but my family still has one of the two cats we had when I was growing up.

24. Do you want to change your name: I think about it sometimes. I think about it a lot. I’ve just started using a new name with an eye to it becoming my official pen name. I don’t know if I want to start using it as my everyday name.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Oh, crap... I can’t remember. I think my mom was there, and my grandparents. We had cake and a tiny family party. I think. All I remember is I was glad I didn’t have a play rehearsal that day.

26. What time did you wake up today: 6:50 am

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping, for once in my life.

28. What is something you can’t wait for: Finally achieving my lifelong goal: being employed, being published, and being financially stable enough that I can afford a little house, with a dishwasher and laundry, and a cat, and food, and health insurance, and Netflix. It seems... a long way off. Also the next episode of Supergirl?

29. This question is mysteriously missing, so I will pose a question to the universe/the people I’m going to tag: What was the first piece of media (film, book, world, comic, game, character, etc) that you were ever obsessed with?

30. What are you listening to right now: Silence.

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Several Tims, but no Toms. Excluding possibly some random middle aged guys back when I was growing up because who remembers that sort of thing

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: People assuming I’m in my early teens and asking me things like how high school is going. Then I’m like, “Nope, I’m like ten years older than that, graduated college a while ago now,” and they’re like “Oh, you look so young,” and I’m like “I know!!” and then (and this is the bit that’s driving me crazy) they all say “You’ll be so grateful when you’re my age!” Like... I just kind of called you out for patronizing me? And your immediate response is to patronize me again? Also there’s no guarantee that I’ll still look ten years younger than I actually am when I’m 50? Also, I may be grateful or not when I’m your age but it sure isn’t doing me any favors now? Please stop. Just stop.

33. Most visited website: I may or may not be slightly obsessed with Nonasuch’s fantastic Dogfather Harry Potter AU and I might check their tumblr once or twice a day.

34. Hair colour: Somewhere between dirty blond and light brown now. It was blond when I was a kid.

35. Long or short hair: Okay, so I really want to be able to braid my hair elaborately again, but I also love the feel of short hair on the back of my neck. Right now it’s in an inbetween stage and I can have neither of these things. What is a person to do.

36. Do you have a crush on someone: I had things I called crushes when I was in high school and hadn’t figured out I’m ace as fuck. I get hardcore friend crushes.

37. What do you like about yourself: I’m proud of my talents, though I play them down more than I should, and I neglect to practice them more than I should. I like how far I’ve come figuring out my identity and who I am these past six years or so.

38. Want any piercings: Under no circumstances am I voluntarily going to sit still and let someone poke a needle through me or into me for anything other than a medical necessity. This applies to tattoos as well. I respect people who have them, but hell no for me.

39. Blood type: SOMEONE knows because I’ve had a blood transfusion, I think, but I don’t have a clue.

40. Nicknames: I have wanted a nickname my entire life and nothing has ever stuck.

41. Relationship status: Single asexual inactively seeks person willing to share habitation, bookshelves, Netflix, pet, and nerdy conversation for the rest of their life.

42. Sign: I don’t do the zodiac thing at all, but I’m an INTJ and a Hufflepuff.

43. Pronouns: Um, this is a weird place and time to do this, but since you asked, I’ve just changed them to “they/them.”

44. Fave tv show: Ever? Avatar the Last Airbender. Right now? Supergirl, The Flash, Miraculous Ladybug

45. Tattoos: See above regarding NEEDLES

46. Fave city: Albuquerque. Fight me.

47: Ever had surgery: When I was a kid I had The Case of Pneumonia From Hell and Fun Times in Hospitals and got chest tubes and part of my lung removed. Also a few minor random stuff.

48. Piercings: See above regarding needles. The needle phobia is directly related to the Fun Times in Hospitals.

49. Sport: Literally none. I’ll watch gymnastics and skating every four years, but apart from that the highlight of my interest in sports was that time that JKR was live-writing the Quidditch World Cup on Pottermore.

50. Vacation: I’m in Oxford right now, somewhere I’ve always dreamed of being! And I’m on my way to Scotland and Wales.

— More general

52. Eating: Sushi, macaroni and cheese, fruit, chocolate, scones

53. Drinking: tea, tea, tea, milk, orange juice, non-alcoholic lemonade or apple cider, water, tea, tea, tea

54. I’m about to watch: Brooklyn 99 (The UK has it on netflix!!)

55. Waiting for: My betas to come back to me on my novel draft. Then it’s agent shopping!

56. Want: A cat, the ability to focus, the ability to read properly without stupid eye problems, a job, writing time

57. Get married: ... growing up I fantasized about getting married because I wanted my paternal cousins to meet my maternal cousins and I couldn’t think of any way that would likely happen apart from my marriage and I think they would get on like a house on fire.. this still seems like one of the only motivating factors for me ever to get married.

58. Career: Author and poet and crazy cat lady

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: hugs

60. Lips or eyes: Neither. I don’t actually like making eye contact even though I’ve learned to do it, and why would I stare at people’s mouths?

61. Shorter or taller: For a dance partner? Taller, but not significantly so.

62. Older or younger: If this is meant to be about romantic partners? Because why would anyone ask this question? Significant age gaps are generally not a good thing either way, except possibly between two consenting adults who understand and work to alleviate the uneven power dynamic a significant age gap typically creates?

63. Nice arms or stomach: The heck?

64. Hookup or relationships: Relationships.

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant and trying to overcome it

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: NOPE

67. Drank hard liquor: See above regarding the horrors created by my taste buds and any alcohol.

68. Turned someone down: Yes. It was awwwkward, but he was a friend. Normally, when I suspect someone likes me, I run away and never speak to them again. Trying to get over that.

69. Sex on first date: Uh nnnoooo

70: Broken someone’s heart: I hope not

71. Had your heart broken: By friendships, yeah.

72. Been arrested: Nope

73. Cried when someone died: Not really.

74. Fallen for a friend: A couple times, but in like, a really aggressively platonic way

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: Yes.

76. Miracles: Yes.

77. Love at first sight: Yes, because it basically happened to my parents. Theirs is a story of being bookstore managers, an immediate attraction, a mutual failure to understand origami, and a shared love of Star Trek. It would make a perfect rom com but there was literally no drama. My parents are adorable.

78. Santa Claus: I have always had the ability to choose what I believe in. Santa Claus was one of those things, long after I knew the truth.

79. Angels: Not really of the stereotypical “feathery wings and flawless skin” type. In the possibility or even likelihood of benevolent forces or beings outside human comprehension that are not a divine creator but may be from or of the divine, yes. This likely has a lot to do with how many times I read Narnia, The Dark is Rising, and A Wrinkle in Time as a kid, now I think about it.

— Misc

80. Eye colour: Green

81. Best friend’s name: I have a few. One starts with a C.

82. Favourite movie: The Fellowship of the Ring. Or 101 Dalmations.

83. Favourite actor: Maggie Smith

84. Favourite cartoon: Avatar the Last Airbender. I didn’t discover it until I was about 18, but I love it to death.

85. Religion: Ex-roman catholic Episcopalian

Tagging @nerdiekatie, @swimmingbirdrunningrock, @dragon-feathers, and @fantasiavii

#ask me things #replies #tag games #y'all don't have to do it if you don't want to #anyone who wants to do it pretend I tagged you

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delfiend423 · 6 years

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For Those Who Want to Get Better At Writing And Were Told “Just Write” And Don’t Know What To Do With That Advice

Just like one cannot get better at painting without painting, or sculpting without sculpting, or drawing without drawing, one cannot get better at writing without--you guessed it--writing.

But!

I don’t know about you, but telling someone to “just go write” is too abstract of a command for me to follow. So, here and now, I will break down some very simple very clear very tangible things you can do to become a better writer (in my humble and personal opinion, that is).

1.) Writing is Private. Keep It To Yourself.

Listen, I’m sure I’ll get some backlash from this sentiment, but its honestly what I personally feel to be the healthiest way to write, whether that be at the very start of your writing journey, or very late stage. When you share your writing with someone, one or more of the following is likely to happen:

- you’ll receive criticism from the reader. It could be something you can actually take and use, but more often than not it’ll be something you can’t do much about, such as “Idk I just don’t like this style of writing”. Criticism, especially when given at a stage where you yourself don’t have a lot of confidence in your creation, can be the poison that kills all motivation to improve.

- the reader will never actually get around to reading it. This happens a lot, more so with original works than fanfics. And it doesn’t matter why they never read it, be it deliberate or they just totally forgot: it’ll hurt. And it’ll be disheartening.

- they will read it, and they’ll love it! They’ll be really into the story! They’ll want more!! And believe me, you won’t be able to deliver. Either you just aren’t writing at a clip of a pace, or the writing you are getting done just doesn’t feel good enough to share. Either way, this will grow guilt onto your writing project and cause you to lose motivation to keep writing

We live in an age of oversharing, where if you do anything interesting of or make something you're proud of, you immediately expect the world to see it and appreciate it at the same level you personally do. Art is not meant for this kind of exposure, be it drawings, paintings, writing, anything. Art and writing are a private venture, an expression of the soul. Sometimes, you’ll produce a piece so exceptional in which you are unshakably proud of in your own right you can share it without expectation of praise nor fear of criticism. For writing, this will be after at least a second draft or seven, never your first time through writing a piece.

So don’t share. Keep your writing to yourself. It doesn’t matter if people think it’s “good” or not, because it’s not for them. So write whatever the hell your heart desires! Write something totally weird! Write something that doesn’t make sense! Write trash! Write self-inserts! Write a fictional language without any linguistic basis! You should enjoy what you’re creating, free from the concern over whether it will be enjoyed by anyone else. But that leads me to my next point...

2.) Writing Isn’t Always Sunshine And Rainbows

It’s work. Let me say it again for those in the back: writing. is. work. Because let’s face it, Thomas Eddison hit the nail on the head when he said: “ Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.” And by genius, he means any sort of pursuit of creation, be it creation of the light bulb, creation of a landscape in acrylic on canvas, or, yes, creation of the a story. If you truly want to be better at writing, you have to write even when it’s no longer a cinch. If you truly want to be happy with the way your writing reads on paper, you have to write even when it’s no longer a cinch. If you want to type up the next novel sensation to sweep the nations, you have to write. even. when. it’s. no. longer. a. cinch.

I am probably the worst offender of this piece of advice. If the words aren’t flowing from my mind to the keyboard keys to the word doc like a river freshly un-dammed, I shut the computer and go eat half the kitchen. Which leads me to point number three:

3.) There’s Writing As Creative Flexing. And Then There’s Writing To Practice.

We all want writing to be this wonderful time of sitting down and crafting beautiful and unique plots and characters and moments from the fabric of our own mindscapes, but it can’t always be if you ever want to climb the steps of improvement. Sometimes, you have to write something that you don’t love, that’s totally been done a million times before, something that gets at nothing and leaves no lasting impression. Let me explain.

When I was in middle school, at a time in my life where writing was this shiny new talent I had discovered, a time where I was convinced writing was what I wanted to do when I grew up, when I was convinced that aside from this super eloquent kid named Joey, I was the best writer to grace the planet, I joined a writing club called Power of the Pen. Power of the Pen was this organized sort of writing competition, where the middle-schoolers would go, they’d receive 3 writing prompts over the course of the competition, and for each prompt they have like 30 minutes (maybe an hour??) to write a complete work that responded to the prompt(s). So, during our weekly meeting after school, us kids in the Power of the Pen club were given a sample prompt by our teacher, were given the 30 minutes to write a piece, and then we shared what we wrote with one another and gave compliments and advice to one another.

None of these short stories I made were ever anything spectacular or even really that great, but they were a very instrumental in improving my writing. I learned to keep track of my thoughts as they occurred to me and were inked into the page, learned to mind the clock and hit that full beginning middle end in the time allotted to me. The more I wrote, the more I was able to experiment with the voice I used in my writing, and by trial and error learn how to use a multitude of voices in appropriate contexts.

My point being: not everything you write is going to be your passion project, and it shouldn’t be. Google writing prompts, set a timer, pull out a notebook or open a new document, and get to creating. Not all of them have be complete short stories; a lot of the prompts in practice were meant to make us work on a specific aspect of writing. One prompt I remember was to describe a scene as if we were there with our eyes closed. Another could be to tell a story with nothing but dialogue, the back-and-forth of two or more folks. You could also use these prompts to practice outlining, and come up with a full story--beginning, middle, end, plot twists, etc--without writing the whole thing out. Think of it like an artist filling a sketchbook page with a bunch of hands, so as to get a better grasp of how to draw hands in various ways. This type of writing should be no-strings-attached, it should let you focus on what you need to get better at (and that can be a little bit of everything!). But like the artist and their hand drawings, don’t just create a bunch of identical hands: change it up, try and write with a different tone and voice each time, play around. Write very formally, then write like Chuck Palahniuk, then do something else!

Just because this type of writing is classified as the grind, as the persperation of your genius, doesn’t mean it can’t be fun! Don’t take yourself too seriously when hashing these out. Or you’ll come to hate it, and you’ll never do as much as you should!

4.) Make Time For Writing. Be Ready At Any Time For Writing

If you’re anything like me, you live and write by the mindset of “when I’m feeling in the mood, I’ll write,” and then you’re hardly ever “in the mood” or at least “in the mood” while you’re not in the middle of the busiest week of your life. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with writing while you’re inspired to write, if you really want to make some headway in your writing journey, you’re gonna need to write far more often than that. In Suggestion #3, I already talked about how you should take the time to do timed writings to work out your writing muscles and add build up your armory of writing instruments. Both this type of practice writing and working on material and ideas that inspire you are perfectly good uses of your time as a writer, but they have to happen to be of any use to you.

That’s why I’m suggesting the unthinkable: schedule your writing.

Yes, I know, it’s horrendous. But hear me out! Think of your writing as a workout. For those who aren’t too familiar with workout culture, those who workout regularly usually keep a pretty hard and fast schedule. They usually allocate which days they are going to workout in a week (and at what time), what sort of muscles/sorts of techniques they are going to work out on which days (i.e. leg day, arm day, core day, pull day, push day, etc), and what machines they need to spend time on and for how long.

So! Let’s apply that mentality, that structure, to our writing! Find time in your week, a day or two at least, where you have a free hour or two (in case the heat picks up, and you need the extra time to carry through with that writing momentum to its fullest potential). Block that time out to write. Now! Get even more structured, like the workout folk! Jot down what kind of writing exercises you are going to do on which days. Timed prompt writing for 30 minutes, then practice outlining for 30 minutes? Work on one of your writing projects for 30 (writing literally anything! See Suggestion #5), then do some 10-minute bursts of writing each focusing on a specific element in the story (i.e. dialogue for 10, descriptive for 10, plot-driven for 10).

Now that I’ve gone and made you ready to write at specific times on specific times when it’snot and convenient for you, I feel obligated to burst this bubble: the urge to write can and will come to you as unpredictably as the wind. And when this happens, you should do whatever you can to entertain the inspiration while its there. If you’re lucky enough to be free, grab a pen and paper or computer and get to it!! If you’re not so lucky, and this urge to write hits you at 3 in the morning, or in the middle of work, or heaven forbid in the midst of midterms or some time comparably as hectic... be prepared! The worst thing you can do is think to yourself: “I’ll remember these thoughts and take to the computer later”. Because you won’t remember them when you get to the computer later, if you even manage to sit your butt down to write at all. If the urge is accompanied by ideas and inspiration, jot those down on whatever scrap of paper you have, or into an email to yourself. Try to include lines of dialogue you hear going through your head, any sort of inkling of context if you have any, the weight/importance of this bit of story to the overall plot, and anything else that might be important to recall later. So even if you don’t get the privilege of working on your writing with these ideas freshly hatched, you won’t lose the ideas for when you have the time to sit down and get the writing you’ve scheduled in advance.

5.) Leave Perfection, Chronological Order, and Omniscience At The Door. You Don’t Need Them Now

Listen. I violate every one of my suggestions, but this one I violate the worst. I want to write my stories from start to finish, filling in every gap as I reach them, and I want my writing to be publishing-ready the first time through. All these things are impossible expectations. Let me repeat, so it sinks in: these things are impossible expectations to have for yourself. Stephen King said something to the effect of this: the first draft you write for yourself, the second draft you write now knowing what the story is you are trying to tell. Ergo, when you write a story, it’s experimental, it’s a project of discovery. You may not know everything single scene that will occur from the start to the finish. You may not know how it will end, or perhaps how it will start. Maybe you won’t know the plot twists, or really know the characters to the full depth they’ll come to embody.

But don’t sweat it! You’re not supposed to know! The point of writing is to bring a whole universe from out of your mindscape, piece by piece like a puzzle. Sometimes, you’ll have a sequence of pieces that all fit together nicely. Sometimes, it will be a scattering of bits from across the big picture that for now have no relation to one another. You’ll need to do a lot of writing before you’ll excavate enough pieces to realize what all the pieces are making together, realize the whole, and from there you can rewrite and revise and write anew to better tell the story that eventually came together.

So! My point being: when you sit down to write, don’t be confined by any the principles above. You’re writing need not even be prose if it doesn’t want to be at the moment, which is especially doable considering we’re not showing your writing to anyone other than yourself (Suggestion #1). It need not be final draft quality writing; the sentences can be choppy, the dialogue can be all back and forth like a screenplay with no spice whatsoever, heck you don’t even have to write a scene if its not coming to you, but instead insert a block that plain and simple hashes out what happens in this space of writing you have yet to craft. Don’t feel like picking up where you left off, then don’t! Write a random disjointed scene that you’re more inspired to create, write the death of one of your characters, write whatever whenever its to happen in the story! Don’t know what’s going to happen? Don’t sweat it! Make anything happen, because you can always just cut that chunk out if you don’t like the direction later on. No one will know your characters had a 20-page shopping spree if you don’t tell them that was the original direction!

These 5 Suggestions should help get all you folks looking to write more or write for the first time off the ground! Feel free to add your own suggestions in the reblogs and all that jazz!! I might add more later, myself.

Happy Writing Everyone!!!

#writing #writing advice #writing for myself #writing tips #writing things #yatta yatta #writing goals #2018 resolutions #how to write

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l-a-r-r-yspellslove · 4 years

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The 5,000 Question Survey - Part One

1. Who are you? Hi, I’m Ronda. 2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you? one - I try to be as non-judgmental as possible. two - I say fuck a lot. three - I like to make stuff and bake stuff and write stuff and draw stuff. 3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing? Reading, watching tv, writing, making stuff, working on puzzles, babysitting my niece. 4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time). art, french, theater, math, uhhhh history, science. From high school, like 10 years ago :/

5. What is your biggest goal for this year? uhhhh to be more financially responsible. I’ll have less money once my niece starts kindergarten in the fall and that means I need to spend less and figure out other ways to make money. 6. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Fuck, I don’t know. The future gives me anxiety. Like, major anxiety. 7. What stage of life are you in right now? The I’m completely fucked up and don’t know where this is going stage. 8. Are you more child-like or childish? Child-like. 9. What is the last thing you said out loud? “She said they were having a weiner roast.” 10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now? Girl - Maren Morris or Don’t Let It Break Your Heart - Louis Tomlinson 11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes? nope. 12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same? mostly the same. Pain days are worse. Energetic days are better. 13. Does time really heal all wounds? As a spoonie, I say no. 14. How do you handle a rainy day? Well, rain tends to trigger a migraine, so I spend it in bed or wishing I was in bed. 15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights? Losing your luggage. 16. How is your relationship with your parents? I have a good relationship with my mom, I think. We get along and all. My dad, on the other hand, I don’t talk to much. I feel like as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized more how things that happened when I was a kid affected me. And he used to yell a lot and I’d hide in my room and cry. So. Yeah. Will you miss them when they are gone? I’m sure. 17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you? Sometimes 18. What is the truest thing that you know? Life isn’t fair. 19. What did you want to be when you grew up? uhhh, when I was really little I remember wanting to be a teacher. Later, I wanted to be a translator. I remember at one bible camp I thought I could learn obscure languages and translate the bible for them. When I was in college, I started to realize I wanted to be a writer I think, but I majored in Marketing because it seemed like a safer option and I was too far into a business degree before I realized I hated business. And yeah, so I minored in English Lit. And that degree hasn’t ended up doing me any good because I ended up applying for disability not too long after graduating college. 20. Have you ever been given a second chance? I can’t think of a specific instance, but I’m sure I’ve been given many. 21. Are you more of a giver or a taker? Giver. 22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind? Try to. 23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? a Chiari headache. 24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you? when my grandpa died. 25. Who have you hugged today? no one. It’s Saturday and I’ve been home alone most of the day. 26. Who has done something today to show they care about you? I can’t think of anything today. My mom did some of my laundry yesterday, so I guess I’d count that. And H is always doing sweet little stuff. 27. Do you have a lot to learn? Always 28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be? Coding - I mean, I know little things, but if I could be like a computer whiz, it’d be great. Mastering photoshop - Same as above, basically. and uhhhhmmmm, maybe like knowing every language or at least every major language fluently?

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel? How they make me feel. 30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship? Communication, trust, consideration. 31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die? A - have a meaningful romantic relationship B - impact someone’s life in a significantly positive way C - travel around Europe 32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing? A - running a marathon B - living completely alone in the world C - reading After and its series 33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause? equal rights 34. What does each decade make you think of: The 19.. 20's: flapper dresses 30's: idk like the depression? 40's:the war? WWII? 50's: poodle skirts and Grease 60's: idk, ummmm, yeah, i got nothin’ 70's: totally blanking 80's: lots of colorful clothing and big hair? was that this decade? 90's: childhood, Friends, friends, elementary school 2000′s: junior high, high school, graduating high school

10′s: college, the decade that America voted orange scum into the presidency

20′s: hopefully the decade that America votes better

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why? I feel like this is such a 90s kid answer, but I guess the 90s because it was before everything started drastically changing so much. Like, technology and stuff. 36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song? Old Time Rock and Roll the kinda music just soothes the soul. I reminisce about the days of old. With that old time Rock and Roll. 37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country? USA, orange scum. If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be? Eat dirt and die trash. 38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night? TVLand it used to be before the age of netflix and streaming and such 39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why? is the Cheshire Cat a villain? Because I want to answer him, because he has no direction and is terrible at giving directions haha 40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout? I was a girl scout from kindergarten through 7th grade. 41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat? Fly 42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night? I dunno. Something to do with the sun. 43. What does your name mean? Grand 44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space? Outer space. 45. Word association What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word: Air: water Meat: balls Different: same Pink: fluff Deserve: reward White:clouds Elvis: hair Magic: sparks Heart: filled Clash: titans Pulp: fiction 46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be? Walt Disney 47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive? Harry Styles 48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday? Frozen and Frozen 2 and all of the Toy Story’s 49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do? enough food for the week I assume is included. Laptop, ipad, a few books, chargers for laptop and ipad, a sudoku book, yarn and crochet stuff 50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved? I don’t think so.

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words... Fruitgoogle: verb. To search the web without aim. Ambytime: noun. The time at which to amble around. Asscactus: noun. A prick who knows and doesn’t care that he’s a total prick. 52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands? Crochet dress for my niece. 53. What was your favorite toy as a child? I remember this big semi truck that I loved a lot. 54. How many TV’s are in your house? Four 55. What is your favorite thing to do outside? I don’t like going outside, tbh. I guess I’d say swimming, though. And I don’t really like to do that much, sooo 56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow? Happy 57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true? Oh yeah. 58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader? Nope. 59. What is your idea of paradise? An endless library filled with every book, tv show, movie, musical, play in existence with and super comfy chair and an endless supply of whatever food I could think of wanting. 60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like? God is love. 61. Do you believe in Hell? Everyone carries a little piece of hell around inside of them. 62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't? uhhh crocheted an entire blanket? 63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done? I have no idea. 64. Are you a patient person? Some days. 65. What holiday should exist but doesn't? Reading day. 66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does? Columbus Day 67. What's the best joke you ever heard? fuck, i don’tknow 68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been? Disney World, duh. 69. Is your hair natural or dyed? dyed but my roots are showing terribly because my hair grows so fucking fast. 70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front? I’m fairly upfront, but not many people know I write fanfic, especially don’t know that I write smutty fanfic haha. 71. What is under your bed right now? A lot of storage stuff and my suitcase that is also storing blankets i believe 72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home? I don’t think they had WiFi, so I’m gonna say go home. 73. If you drive do you frequently speed? Just a little 74. What is the world's best song to dance to? Best Song Ever hahahahahahaha 75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone? I cannot remember the last time I danced with anyone or by myself. I don’t really dance much. Maybe high school prom lol or maybe ZTA formal 76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney 77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo? penguins 78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic? yes 79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off? i don’t think so? 80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it? write 81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick? the right to own/use a gun for anything other than hunting wild animals. and only the animals that you’re supposed to be allowed to hunt like deer and stuff. 82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? There isn’t even a place to live on the North Pole, is there? What kind of question is this? I will answer the South Pole because that’s where people do live (scientists but still) and there are penguins.

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television? oh god. Don’t make me choose. 84. What do you think makes someone a hero? I think hero is more of a verb than a noun. And putting others’ needs ahead of your own. 85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in? Frozen. 86. Name one thing that turns your stomach: like, seed pods or whatever they’re called that have all the uneven little holes and stuff? I don’t even know what they’re called exactly but the give me the fucking heebiejeebies 87. What was the last thing you paid for? Yarn 88. Are you a coupon clipper? Sometimes 89. Get anything good in the mail recently? I finally got Louis’s CD that was included in my concert ticket purchase today. 90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling? bowling 91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So... Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends? Technically, it’s a clone, but clone’s are the same person basically? So no? But soft of? 92. What insects are you afraid of? Bees, wasps, anything that has a stinger. 93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say? Dude, this is 2020, you can totally print any phrase you want on a t-shirt. I’m currently contemplating a Golden Girls shirt, though. Either ‘Picture It Sicily 1922′ or ‘Eat dirt and die trash’ 94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn? I wore a rainbow tutu to pride? Does that count? And my hair is currently blue, so I feel like probably that. 95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be? OREOS 96. What are your parents interested in? uhh, my dad watches a lot of tv and my mom likes to craft and hoard crafting supplies basically. 97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet? I had a caterpillar that I kept and was disappointed when it turned into a moth. Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal? No. 98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans? Wishes 99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest? when i’m writing 100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?

phone (with flashlight and a full battery), sleeping bag, and water

#the 5000 question survey #personal #me #whatever i was bored and i've had this thing bookmakred to do forever

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cinful-stories · 7 years

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50 Interesting Questions- Tagged

(I was tagged by @widzzicles to do this! I really appreciate it! I haven't really mentioned much about myself on this platform, so this will be the first look at my quirky, strange personality. Here goes nothing!)

1. What kind of food can't you stand? Even though I’m not a strict vegetarian, I loosely consider myself to be one because of my hatred for meat. Seafood and ham are particularly horrid to me, but on rare occasions, I can handle small amounts of bacon, sausage, and chicken if prepared well.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? Acne. I’ve struggled with it for nearly eight years, and it’s been the root of my insecurities.

3. Have you got any useless talents? I’m double-jointed in my right wrist and three fingers. I can also wiggle my right ear and nose.

4. If you could be really good at one thing, what would it be? Writing. I have a strong perfectionist mentality when it comes to my artistic creations, and it often gets in the way of completing any projects; therefore, whenever I sit down to work on my original novel, it becomes a stressful task for me.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking? Eddie Redmayne is my ultimate celebrity crush. I think he’s absolutely adorable, and he’s the main inspiration for the male protagonist of my novel. I also find Dan Avidan from Game Grumps and Benedict Cumberbatch really attractive.

6. What was your favorite way to pass time as a kid? I often watched Hetalia and YouTube gaming channels during middle school, so I wasted a lot of time on the internet. I was also a major SuperWhoMerLock fan. I suppose not much has changed as far as interests go...

7. What is something you are proud of? Before I started posting my fan creations on Tumblr, I was highly active on Quotev for four years. One of the stories I posted (a Hunger Games fanfic) was received extremely well, and it has over 1,200 favorites.

8. What's one character flaw in people that you just can't tolerate? I can’t stand people who are unreliable and only make an effort if they need something from me. My biggest languages of love are Quality Time and Acts of Service, so when someone doesn’t want to put in some of their time for me, it’s a major turn-off.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? It depends. I’m typically more of a follower when I’m insecure about my own abilities regarding the task at hand, but if it’s something I’m confident about doing, I instinctively take on the leadership role.

10. What kind of student are/ were you? I’m incredibly studious, and I’m almost anal about receiving good grades. I tend to procrastinate when I let myself relax, so I make sure to keep myself busy during the school year as much as possible.

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you've made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? Sitting at an unfamiliar lunch table on the first day of eighth grade. It was a seemingly insignificant choice at the time, and I thought it would be a temporary thing, but it later became the event that led to meeting my best friend of five years. If I hadn’t chosen that table, I wouldn’t be nearly as confident, independent, and honest as I am today – all attributes that came from her importance in my life.

12. Name your most irrational fear/ aversion: I’m petrified of settling. I have a horrible habit of not being able to say no to people; therefore, I end up settling for relationships and activities I never wanted to do in the first place. I’m afraid that I won’t get the chance to live my fullest life before I die only because I wanted to please others or take the easy route.

13. Are there any fiction characters you find especially relatable? As basic as this sounds, I find myself relating to Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Her thirst for a thrilling life somewhere unfamiliar is something I crave. She doesn’t fall in love with a person’s outward appearance, which is something I do as well, and she loves reading too!

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? I don’t drink, but at parties I’m fairly social, regardless of whether or not I know the people in attendance. Sometimes parties are uncomfortable for me, but other times they’re not. It just depends on the type of people at the gathering.

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? I tend to trust people rather easily, but that doesn’t mean I fall in love quickly. I’m actually really reluctant to get into another relationship. It’s hard for me to find someone I truly love. I’ve only ever been in love once, and that relationship was two years ago.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? I prefer having one close friend. I have two best friends, and roughly five or six casual friends. I’ve always gained a lot more out of my bonds with my two closest friends than I ever have with those more distant from me.

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? I’m a total neat-freak. I take great pleasure in organizing my bedroom and cleaning my car, and if I’m trying to keep myself busy for whatever reason, I often find something to organize. I’m a Virgo, so that explains it.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you find incredibly cozy: I imagine myself in a wooden loft in an attic of a house, surrounded by potted plants, art canvases, and towering bookshelves. Hand-woven dreamcatchers loom above my bed, and prisms capture beams of iridescent light on the walls. There’s a skylight on one of the ceiling panels, and a sliver of moonlight is bathing the room in an eerie, azure glow. Particles of silver, feathery dust are swirling around my head, twinkling like the blanket of stars above. I’m lying prostrate on the floor, gazing up at the heavens as the full moon smiles down upon me. A symphony of crickets fills the air, and the scent of old parchment wafts into my nostrils. It’s a tranquil night, and I’m alone with my thoughts. A porcelain cup of scalding, raspberry tea rests idly in my hand, and a warm smile is toying with my lips. I am at peace.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? I don’t have kids, and I’m hesitant about the idea of having them with the career I want to pursue, but I could see myself with two sometime in the future. Boys’ names: Elijah or Benedict. Girls’ names: Roslyn or Margot.

20. What was your favorite book as a child? Eggs by Jerry Spinelli was my absolute favorite book, and I remember reading it several times. I also really enjoyed The Sisters Grimm and N.E.R.D.S. books by Michael Buckley.

21. Name one thing you just don't get what all the hype is about: Going on cruises. The idea of being trapped on a giant boat with a timed schedule of mind-numbing, preselected activities to do doesn’t sound remotely fun to me.

22. Name one thing you think is tragically underrated: Crushed potato chips in bubblegum ice cream, mixed with marshmallow syrup and topped with rainbow sprinkles. Don’t knock it until you try it.

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional, who would it be? I would choose Dick Van Dyke, who has always been my favorite actor. He’s currently ninety-one years old, so I would jump at the chance to walk a mile in his shoes before he dies.

24. What's something you'd like the chance to do someday? I’ve always dreamt of travelling Europe. I especially want to visit London, Dublin, Madrid, Amsterdam, and Rome.

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do you generally prefer not to rock the boat? I’m actually really vocal about my opinions. I’d like to think that I’m a gifted debater, writer, and public speaker, so I never shy away from sharing my perspectives in a controversial conversation if I have the evidence to back it up.

26. What's the dumbest fad you've been caught up in? I don’t think this was ever a fad, but I used to wear those Hot Topic rubbery wristbands up and down my arms like tattoo sleeves in middle school.

27. What's something you thought was cool as a kid, but now cringe at yourself for? See #26. I also thought that getting bad grades and bragging about being vegetarian for a day was cool.

28. What's a trait you consider to be very admirable? I value having intellect and good communication skills above all else, and it also makes my heart flutter if I meet someone chivalrous. I also love humor. I’m a sucker for anyone who can make me laugh.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? My closest friends always buy me astrology related things. Other friends typically buy me Doctor Who merch or something feminine and monogrammed.

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Not fluently, but I studied French for three consecutive years and won a bronze medal for the national French exam.

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? I’m a city gal. I’ve grown up in an urban family town for far too long. I’ve always wanted to live in a flat in central London.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you'd hate, but ended up loving? Marching band. I was terrified of joining originally, but here I am four years later serving as my band’s historian and the Mellophone section leader.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? As far as group conversations go, no. I hate being in charge of the dialog, but if I’m speaking publicly or performing in front of a large audience, I don’t mind. I enjoy the adrenaline rush!

34. Favorite holiday? It’s a toss-up between New Year’s Eve and the Fourth of July.

35. Are you more of a go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? I prefer having a plan, but I’m not going to throw a fit if I have to play something by ear.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all again? I once took a family trip to Bar Harbor, Maine in 2011, and I firmly believe that it’s the most tranquil, serene place I’ve ever been to. Luckily, I’m going back to visit during the summer of 2018!

37. What hobbies do you have? Writing, sketching, blogging, reading, watching anime or YouTube gamers, astrology, gardening, playing the French horn, and playing Otome games obsessively

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? I would love to be able to harness the four elements somehow, even if my powers were minor. Just being able to generate a puff of smoke or grow something from the ground with my hands would be amazing.

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: I’m allergic to peanuts. Even after I tell my friends, they frequently forget.

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: I don’t need to rely on other people to find the source of my happiness. I’m wonderfully made, just as I am.

41. Worst injury you’ve had? I’ve never had any injuries other than your typically bumps and bruises.

42. Any morbid fascinations? I love horror films and video games, especially the gory, psychological ones.

43. Describe your sense of humor: I make a lot dorky puns and niche references, so it’s rare when I get a genuine laugh out of people.

44. If you had to be born in another era/ place, which would you choose? Late 1960’s America. The country was in a state of social and political turmoil, so a movement of independent thought swept the nation’s youth for the first time since the Revolutionary War. Rock, which is my favorite genre of music, was also becoming immensely popular. I would’ve loved to have participated in an anti-war rally and go to Woodstock.

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: Science. I have a passion for astronomy and psychology, but I’m terrible at any other science subtopic.

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: My first breakup. It’s corny, I know, but that emotional time in my life really helped me evolve into who I am today. I used to be pretty spineless, naïve, and dependent on others for my happiness. I may have lost someone I loved dearly, but I learned to love myself in the process, and I became a lot more confident because of it.

47. Would you rather have a really godawful, ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal, or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? I’ll take the ugly tattoo. At least I can hide it if I need to.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? I’m an optimist. I don’t always see the silver lining in dark times, but I always persevere and convince myself that there’s something better coming.

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? “You mean the world to me.”

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: People seem to think that they can take advantage of me since I’m easily forgiving and kind. I may forgive, but I never forget.

(This took a lot longer to answer than I anticipated, but I had fun! @phantomchou @confused-tofu @princessofwysteria @rimalupin @lustfullyleocrawford @rizosrojizos @yukarinova @leorysxi @mariyukimu I'm sorry if y'all have already been tagged!)

#tag #not midcin related #50 interesting questions #fyi #about me

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vexley · 7 years

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Just Things About Riverdale, Chapter Ten: The Lost Weekend

Well, here we fucking go.

Oh god.

“I barely acknowledge my own birthday.”

Same, dude. Same.

Gasp.

We’re finally talking about Archie “mysterious” mother.

Official divorce. Damn. What went down, seriously?

Two years, holy shit.

Ah, Fred is leaving. The whole scene-jumping sequences involving dumb high-schoolers partying is starting to make sense, unfortunately.

“Friendervention.” I don’t know why I’m laughing, but I’m laughing.

Archie & Betty?

“Three musketeers!” Aw.

Aw.

“I thought maybe I’d surprise him.”

Yeah, that sounds like a bad idea.

“I think the best gift that I could give to Jughead would be to stay away.”

I hurt in places that don’t exist.

Hostile eye-contact with the Pussy Cats.

I hope they fuck Archie UP.

Sorry, it’s been a long day, I’m feeling a little hostile.

“Jughead’s never had a Birthday party!”

Archie’s head-nod.

Jughead and Betty clearly weren’t super close before the start of the school year, if she’s had no idea about that. How do you not know something like that about a friend?

Am I actually, like, sort of--maybe--classifying Archie as the Better Friend during this episode?

I’m not sure how to deal with this?

“A low-key surprise party!”

Archie’s anxious head shake.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON. DANGER.

“NO.”

“Jughead doesn’t like his birthday!”

Okay, guys, fine.

Jughead&Archie.

“Jughead is a lone wolf.” He fucking sounds like he’s quoting Jughead.

What part of “Don’t turn around” do they not understand???

“Not that I care because he’s evil incarnate.”

“You don’t have to go Dark Betty on me.”

Betty has so many fucking rage issues, and I find it alarmingly relatable.

I really want her to punch him in his smug little FACE.

“But I can damn well make sure my boyfriend has the best Birthday of his life.”

I’m having flashbacks to that stupid fucking baby shower.

“Screw it, I’m with Betty.”

Archie.

I was fucking rooting for you, man.

“It’s going to be epic.”

It’s going to be catastrophic, calling it now.

“I didn’t mean to ambush you.”

Are you sure? Because it looks to me like you meant to ambush him.

“You’re really falling for this Jones boy, aren’t you?”

I really just love the fact that there’s no judgement. Alice is straight up supporting her daughter; it’s such a violent turn-around from the Alice we knew Before.

Excuse me for a moment, I just need to go into another room and spend 5 to 10 minutes squealing over the fact that Jughead apparently comes with his own sound-effects.

This episode is uncomfortably relatable.

75 years? Holy shit.

This whole HBIC face-off just feels really...superfluous?

Also, I’m really disappointed that Cheryl and Veronica’s friendship just went up in flames, before my very eyes.

I have no fucking words for how angry I am.

Like, is Chuck really supposed to be some kind of threat?

Because, honestly? Who fucking gives a shit?

There is absolutely nothing threatening about that fucking toad.

Emotional blackmail, signed with love by Daddy. Nice.

THAT FUCKING SHIRT.

“Do I look like Jughead to you?”

Maybe in the right lighting.

“You really shouldn’t have.”

“...Are you drunk?”

Wow, yeah, just kinda hit me that Jughead would automatically know. How could he not?

A Spanish Happy Birthday! <3

I love the fact that they incorporate Veronica’s heritage into the show with little things like that.

“Thanks everyone,” he says with no sincerity, at all.

“Oh, it’s Kevin.”

Wow, hot damn, what a voice.

“That was..haunting, Betty.”

LMAO, yeah it was.

Wow, I paused the episode to type out my thoughts, and Betty is right in the middle of kissing Jughead’s cheek. In the other Just Things About posts that I’ve written, I know that I’ve mentioned the expression on Jughead’s face when Betty kisses him. The only way I can think to describe him in those moments is warm.

Right here, though, as Jughead stares down at that (honestly) weird-ass cake, and Betty pecks him on the cheek, Jughead reminds me of the cold. There is no warmth in his expression; there’s no happiness there.

I suppose that, essentially, Jughead looks the way that he currently feels.

(That feeling that he described to Archie over an entire pan of pizza in the Andrews’ kitchen.)

Jughead looks overwhelmingly, achingly alone, and it’s an unsettling thing to see when he is surrounded by people who claim to be his friends.

“I wish it were just the two of us right now.”

“That makes two of us.”

“Why the hell is everything so doom and gloom with you, Jug?”

It’s a real fucking mystery.

“I’m not normal. I’m not wired to be normal.”

“Did you really think you could throw a party without inviting moi?”

Why don’t these people lock their doors? It’s like they want to be robbed.

“Screw it, one in the kitchen, one in the backyard!”

I vote that we take Jughead and give him to some better friends, who’s with me?

“Valerie’s here, and I think she wants me back.”

LMFAO

IN YOUR FUCKING DREAMS.

“Now we’re here, in the middle of a Seth Rogan movie.”

I don’t even know why I’m laughing.

Joaquin&Kevin.

Why does this keep happening?

Oh shit.

“I’m sorry that, after you sexually harassed those girls, there were actual consequences, Chuck.”

“These kids are more on-the-ball than the Sheriff.”

You have no fucking clue.

LMAO

Alice Cooper, with the fucking binoculars. I can’t even.

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in.”

I’m okay. I am so okay. I am, like, the most okay ever.

I don’t feel SAD. Like, what even are emotions, you know? I don’t fucking know.

“Why are you getting so upset?”

Hmm, maybe it’s because you did the complete opposite of what he wanted on a day that he clearly can’t stand.

“I hate that word.”

“We’re on borrowed time.”

“Or until Archie changes his mind and says he wants to be with you?”

I, uh

“You shut me out, remember? It’s too late.”

Melody, being there for her girl.

Ugh. Archie, you dumbass.

On today’s episode of Archie Makes Bad Decisions.

“This whole night is bad luck.”

FP’s Concerned Dad(tm) expression.

Cheryl and Chuck are, like, the worst tag-team in the history of ever.

“But did you love him, maybe, in ways that a sister shouldn’t?”

Holy hell on ice.

“I want you to go back inside and talk to your girl.”

“Don’t run away! You’ve got something good here, with her, with your friends! Something that--something that we could never give you.”

I”M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING!

“Snakes don’t shed their skin so easily.”

Omg, Alice Cooper makes so much more sense, now.

Does she have the tattoo? I really hope she has the tattoo.

“And all this time, I thought you were a lover, not a fighter.” “I’m both; I’ve got layers.”

Like an onion?

“Maybe I’m not used to it, maybe I’m scared.”

Oh, Betty.

</3

Jughead’s expression when he sees Betty’s palms.

His hands around hers, his lips pressed to her knuckles.

The way Betty looks at Jughead while he’s looking down at their hands, like he’s something special, and she doesn’t understand how she got so lucky.

“By Monday, this will all be but a dream. Trust me, no one will remember anything.”

Pfffffffffttt. Okay, sweetie, if you say so.

“Why do I keep doing this?”

I’ve been wondering the same thing. Only, like, along the lines of, “Why does he keep doing this?”

“I keep wrecking things.”

Again, except, “He keeps wrecking things.”

“Welcome to my life.”

Please don’t start.

There she goes.

“Everyday I wonder, what if I had left Riverdale with my mom?”

It’s like the writer’s are handing out prompts to fanfic authors.

“We all are, Archie, and honestly? You less than most.”

...What??

Archie&Veronica???????????

He took the mattress on the floor, that is so cute.

“Dont worry, my lips are sealed.”

Damnit all, can’t you guys be friends already?

“I believe in you, Mom.”

Aw.

OMG.

IT WAS A BURGER.

BETTY MADE HIM A CAKE THAT LOOKS LIKE A BURGER.

THAT’S FUCKING ADORABLE.

I need glasses.

“So, you and Veronica?”

Pinky out when he takes a drink.

“This is a small town, but it’s not that small.”

Shit is about to go doooooown.

Betty&Veronica.

Some much needed Beronica.

“The last time you brought me baked goods was because you kissed Archie.”

Betty&Veronica.

Betty&Veronica holding hands.

Oh, fuck off, you Actual Five Headed Dragon.

“We’re home.”

Oh shit.

I wasn’t going to do this tonight, because I just got off work, I’ve got the mother of all migraines, and I wasn’t sure I’d be coherent enough to take everything in and then spit out proper notes. So, I may come back to this episode at a later date, when I’m a little more awake, and add to it, like I did with Chapter Eight (?).

No, scratch that, I will definitely revisit and add a part two, because there was so much that I didn’t address, because I just??? I can’t even properly express the way I felt about some of these scenes right now, I’m really drained from work, and there’s a lot that I really do want to talk about.

On the upside, this time Jughead’s birthday was just as shitty as every other day of the year.

LOL

Okay, sorry, I’m going.

#riverdale spoilers #riverdale #spoilers #ash watches riverdale #chapter ten #the lost weekend #your lack of beronica is disturbing #anyone else catch the last jedi teaser trailer?#so good #night vale references #ash watches archie makes bad decisions #ash watches betty makes bad decisions #ash watches the whole of riverdale makes bad decisions #it's 2.31 #i'm fuckin going to bed

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