#also to my moms question if they gave me stupid money no bc the same issues would be here

[lilgynt]

YEAH BE SHOCKED AND SAD THAT IM LEAVING YEAHHHHHHHHHHH

#personal #should have let me shit more #my supervisor is very sad and said she hates to see me go #my mom is like no shit she’s sad and ur boss is shocked ur quality speaks volumes of ur work #but omggggg you guys like meeeeeeeeeeee #which was like oh my god am i bad person or making a wrong choice #no i’m not and it’s fine and gg said i wanted to kill myself everyday here which is all true i just need reassurance #also to my moms question if they gave me stupid money no bc the same issues would be here #it’s not a matter of the work i can do the work very well #like very well #but like. i can’t keep working with other departments just piling work that isn’t mine in my department #and being weird about it when it’s not my #fucking job. can’t deal with escalations not reading the description of the problem and then wasting 30+ minutes #or getting to the end of my 10 hour shift and being told i’m trying to avoid work bc using the correct avenues for handing off calls #i feel hostage every night and that’s not fair! #or being stressed about using the bathroom for longer than 10 minutes in a 10 hour shift #and being expected to go during my breaks and lunches which could get pushed to literally the end of my shift #like 10 hour shift lunch schedule like half way which one break one lunch having lunch that early evil #but having it scheduled for what. like five hours in but then don’t get it till i’m 9 hours into my shift like that’s crazy

[haletwfic]

New Life

Derek Hale x Reader

Inspired from Teen Wolf Movie Teaser Trailer.

This is just for fun. My grammar is very bad bcs english is not my language.

-

Everything went great right after you graduated from high school. You applied job at local restaurant, Stiles became an FBI agent, Scott worked full time at Deaton’s animal clinic, Lydia went to college alongside with Malia. Derek? He moved to New York before you graduated. Actually the last time you saw him when you all at Mexico. He left with Braeden and leave you without a goodbye.

Oh, you still lived with Noah, Stiles’ father. You felt you owe him everything right after your parents death, he took care of you and let you live with him and Stiles. And you working instead of went to college so you could gave him some money as a gratitude for everything he did for you.

Everything hasn’t the same. You barely hang out with Scott, almost lost contact with everyone, but still manage to call your cousin to check him out. And it’s been three years.

You closed the restaurant because it’s already 9 PM. You walked out and you found Scott stood beside his motorcycle.

“YN!” He looked so happy when he saw you. He approached you and wanted to hug you. You smiled and hugged him immediately.

You pulled the hug. “How’s Deaton?”

He frowned. “I came far away from clinic just to get to you and that was your first question?”

You laughed and so did he. “I know you’re doing good. How’s your parents doing?”

He smirked. “Felt so different having my dad living in my mom’s but I’m happy they’re back together again. What about you and Noah?”

You sighed. “He’s getting old you know. He’s missing Stiles so bad. And that’s why i still live there so he wouldn’t be lonely. At least his nephew got some spark on that house.” “You got something to say to me? Because I’m going home and I’m bringing my car.” You glanced at your car.

“Oh about that…,” he looked so nervous. “Derek is back to town.” He paused. “He still live on that loft, in case you want to know. Alright, see ya YNN!” He left you, and you walked to your car. Damn. Derek is in Beacon Hills?

You immediately drove your car to the haunted building that Derek lived in. You didn’t know why you wanted to get there. What if he lived there with Braeden? You might look fooled if you saw both of them. But you didn’t care. You just want to make sure that Scott wasn’t messing with you. You need to see Derek so bad.

You arrived at his door. Very heavy sliding door. You knocked it softly and he must have known you’re here since he could sense you.

He opened it and kinda startled when he saw you. “YN?” He stood there and made eye contact with you for like a minute. “Come in.” He finally let you in. You notice his loft much brighter than before. And smell fresh like he put some perfume. And also you hadn’t seen any sign of Braeden here.

“How are you?” You asked him a very basic question. Of course you didn’t want asked him about him and Braeden. Stop thinking about her.

“I’m good, what about you?” He asked and gave you the sweetest smile.

You rolled your eyes. “3 years you have been away from Beacon Hill and now you’re back and asking me how am i doing?” You didn’t answer his question and hugged him. “Are you married with Braeden?” That question just came out from your stupid mouth.

Derek laughed. “It’s not funny.” You said it with a flat face. “Because the last time i saw you, you ran away with her.”

“I’m not… married to anyone.” You sighed in relieved.

When you and him were silenced, there was a sound of someone crying. “Who is that? Is there a someone here? Are you watching a movie with someone and there’s a scene?”

Derek didn’t answer and run upstair immediately and you followed him. You shocked when you saw him hold a toddler. “Am i seeing you with a kid or it just a doll?”

He came approached you. “This is Eli, my son.” Your eyes widened when he mention ‘son’ word. “Not with Braeden. I had a girlfriend, Delena, but she died on childbirth.” He definitely could read your mind. But your heart kinda break when he mention he had a girlfriend. “You know where i could find a babysitter?”

You punched his arm. “You just back to your hometown just to asked me where to find a babysitter?” And then you both laughed.

#derek hale #hale #derek hale imagine #derek hale x reader #derek hale fanfic #teen wolf #teen wolf imagine #teen wolf x reader #teen wolf fanfic #beacon hills #fanfic #derek hale fanfiction #teen wolf fanfiction

[lowkeyclueless5137]

Hey hey~ I have this random idea. Hear me out:

What if Riddle's father is Azul's step dad and Riddle's parents are divorced because Riddle's father hate how his mother treated Riddle. So instead of son of two famous doctors of Queendom of Heart, Riddle is the son of a famous doctor and a lawyer!

But it means instead of fully human, Riddle is actually half merman. His mer form is quite unique, since he looks like a goldfish. You know, the aquarium, man made, kind.

It also means Riddle is Azul's step brother. But because of this marriage Riddle finally got a good mother that will spoil him. Since we don't know when did Azul's mother divorced and remarried, it makes Riddle's friendship with Trey and Che'nya to be questionable depend on the timeline of this marriage.

Either way, I want to see whatever stupid things that happen during their childhood. Heck, it can means two OB didn't happen in canon if it happen!

:0 that sounds like one fluffy friendship.

NGL, I imagined Azul's step-dad to actually be a Shark mer(tiger shark specifically bc yes)... Like a big, bulky, absolute UNIT of a man with scars and all that... But he's actually just puppy energy all across the board. Azul accepts this one because he treats Mrs Ashengrotto like the queen she is U-Ub

He's still smol compared to his wife bc I say so :v

Funny thing... I've made a smol repartition of mers in twst, mostly bc of those NPC sprites. So unlike most expectations, as appearance... In this specific scenario, Riddle would fall in the same box as Azul, which means a lot more human like features rather than fish, but still not at obviously as top fully human and bottom fish. :v

YES! He would be a goldfish... But more leaning onto the gradients and spots variations of black and white on that bright red. He might just have one big black spot on his eye in the shape of the heart as a treat (fun fact, those goldfishes are names Kalico or Shubukini(hope I spelled it right)) ;3

Maybe the divorce in between the og Rosehearts couple happens after Riddle's 8... Mostly since around then his mom finds out about him Sneaking out to play. And while his father fully gave his permission for that, it was clear that a big ass argument broke down and here we go with the divorce papers. :v

Poor lil Riddle didn't have any idea why his papa suddenly said they will go on a trip to grandma, but he never saw grandma so he's curious to see big shark memaw.

I imagine first the grandma nagging Mr Rosehearts since 'I told you that woman was no good! Thank God the child has your genes!'. Yep... One belt later and she's ready to tare down the ex-Mrs Rosehearts to shreds. :'3

I don't know why, but I want Romanian like memaws... Like they take no shits and would destroy anything in their path if you ever dare to make them mad. Also in most cases they make good food and gib you money.

And that's how lil Riddle meets lil Azul, who was also on a trip to his grandma. They bond over the fact that 'My parents fought and now I'm on a trip here.' 'No way! Mine too!'.

And that's how Mrs Ashengrotto and Mr Rosehearts meet. And bc my man fought to hell and back for his custody, he decided to help out Mrs Ashengrotto. (more like this octo-lady yanked him and put him to represent her in court and that's when cupid decided to act)

Riddle also doesn't really grasp that well the general mer culture at first. So when he first saw Azul his mind went like static before he decided 'Yep... I'm gonna talk with this guy! He looks nice!' meanwhile Azul had a crying fest since 'who tf is this guy and why is he so nice?!'. Riddle thought he scared him so he starts crying as well and that's when the parents first meet and realise what exactly went down in between these 2.

For now, I imagine bc of their previous wrecks of a marriage, Mr Rosehearts and Mrs Ashengrotto have an engagement period. But like it's so long and both are so comfy and natural around each other that everyone just assumes they married in a more private way. Sometimes even Azul and Riddle forget about it. They once asked Mr Rosehearts where it was his wedding ring and man looked for it for HOURS, just cuz he bought the genuine question.

And school... Oh god school... Just having one overly bullied kid and one kid who never even knew the concept of public schools is just asking for disaster.

First day: 15 kids got collared. Riddle had one kid bite his arm and he couldn't bite back cuz the teach came in. When asked about it, Azul said that those guys picked on him and made Riddle 'smol'.

Later they also meet the twins. Mostly since Riddle and Floyd picked an epic fight and some snitch just had to tell the teach. Azul personally wanted to strangle them, bc he made a bet with Jade on who throws the table first.

But they bond! Both twins find Azul very interesting (and squishy), so they declared they will stick with him. Even though Floyd and Riddle fight daily. Like by now it's the norm for them to square up. It's their love language. U-U

Probably the twins are very confused at the parents situation for the 2 since 'they live together but they aren't married, but still they still kiss in the morning and we call them mama/papa and they don't seem to mind, but still they aren't married.' like... Their lil 10 year old brains can't wrap around that.

So they drew the conclusion that 'oh no, they be cheating with each other!'. Cue another long talk and explanation on why this is fine.

Besides fighting in academics, Riddle and Azul would have a competition over almost anything when smol. They would annoy each other bc they live for that. Also blackmail galore. Azul can't go out bc Riddle would snitch on him about the lipstick incident, while Riddle can't go out as well bc Azul said he will tell about who ate the last piece of cake... Yep... Fun times :'D

As they still get older... They still forget that their parents are 'just engaged', so there is A LOT of confusion in between people when these 2 introduce themselves and mention that they are brothers as well. Like there is some mental gymnastics in here and some may assume the worse. :'3

First time on land is also some hilarious thing bc poor Riddle forgot again that bc since he's half human, he can switch in between forms without potion(his downside is that he must avoid water at all costs). So Riddle just stays on a rock and looks at Azul like he's about to grow 2 heads or something.

"what are you waiting for?" "I don't have a potion..." "You need a potion?" "RIDDLE I SWEAR-"

NRC is also not ready for these 2.

They get in different dorms and since they knew their pops went to NRC, they also ask in Which dorm he was. Watch them ask 'were you in Heartslabyul or Octavinelle?' only to be hit with a 'I was in Ignihyde'. :'3

Also Trey is stunned to see Riddle in here. Mostly since their connection got stranded since that day the ex Rosehearts couple fought and divorced.

Still, Azul and Riddle often eat lunch together. Since the only ones who are actually classmates are Riddle and Jade, the twins also tag along.

One time surely Floyd got a punch in the stomach from Riddle and bro went all giggly mode since apparently... Out of all the possible ways of showing affection... Raw violence was their way... No one knew of this except Azul and Jade who find it enderdaining. But at least now savanaclaw dudes know they shouldn't be picking a fight with the red shortie :v

Unlike in cannon, Riddle becomes Dormhead in his second year, Azul becoming in his first. So first year was establishing the monstro lounge (and getting that sibling discount).

I imagine that in order to learn to share, their parents gave to Azul and Riddle a jar and went all like 'you 2 will share all the money in here. You gain money? You put it in the jar. You take money only from the jar.' Currently, the Jar is hidden under Riddle's bed, since the twins somehow cracked Azul's safe code for the valuts(it's called a hammer, Azul...) and weekly these 2 go over the income.

Second year is when the whole cannon thing happens and hoo Boi.

Riddle first catches Grim and contemplates if maybe he should use the Raccoon-cat on the twins. The headmaster said no tho :<

And then the freshmen... Oh the freshmen... No collar can seem to even hold down Adeuce. Jade suggested homicide and Riddle took it into account.

Azul came once to visit only to see Riddle chasing down Ace and bonking him with his staff.

In chapter 2, Azul also calls Riddle like: 'look... Kingscholar wants to sabotage my boyfriend, but he also is paying me some good ice cold cash for it... So I'm giving you half of the money if you bust him.' 'Give 65%'. '55% and dinner privileges...' 'Deal...' 'also... What did Shroud do?' 'it's Malleus-' 'SINCE WHEN YOU SMOOCH DRACONIA-' beeeeep! 'ASHENGROTTO GET YOUR ASS BACK ON THE PHONE!'

Yeah... Azul would never hear the end of THAT...

And while Riddle's ob doesn't happen, mostly since he got distanced from his mother, the source of his strictness and messed up view on the rules... Azul still had his piece of bullying, no matter what. Soooo :3

Chap 3 is more like Riddle realising that Adeuce messed up bad. He tries to talk Azul out of this, but it falls on deaf ears. In the first year this seemed bearable, but Riddle drew a line this year since it became messed up. That's mainly why he helped Yuu in here.

It gets messy, but that's Azul's wake-up to reality. At least he mends things first with Riddle, mostly cuz siblings! Yay! As if they weren't at each other's throats minutes ago. :D

By the end of the chapter, Riddle treats Yuu and Jack to dinner with money from the jar, knowing full well those are Azul's money as well. >:3

At the start of chap 4, when everyone is leaving for winter holiday, the braincell gang find out that Azul and Riddle are some kind of sibling and that's why Riddle's staying in. Adeuce's collective braincell just let out a big bang explosion at that info. Since Riddle didn't go with them at all to the museum (he tended to dorm duties), Adeuce were pretty much 'Dormhead is a fish?!'

Yep... Someone ace was kicked through the mirror that day.

Scarabia arc is mostly unchanged at the base. Just add in some smol Florid moments and Jamil losing his shit a bit less, since Riddle was at least a good student and if he rubs on Kalim, that may be beneficial.

Pom pom arc is also the same. :v

But then we have chap 6! Hoo boi... Chap 6.

Just Riddle losing his shit, mainly at Malleus cuz 'what do you mean your boyfriends got kidnapped and you are sitting here like a plant?!' Malleus just shrugs. He knows they would be ok. :3

Trey thinking finally Riddle would not chase after danger again, only to be meet with Floyd coming in since apparently Riddle desemned him to watch over Heartslabyul while he's gone.

Trey is both hurt and concerned as fuck-

Just Idia receiving a full slap across the face he plummets into the ground.

After the whole ordeal, Riddle tells Azul that he has very poor taste in men. And that comes from someone who's dating FLOYD of all people.

I imagine that there is a serious time gap in between chap 6 and 7, so that's where I'll pull the actual wedding in between the parents. So it comes like a big shock for everyone when they find out these 2's parents weren't actually married.

Idia having war flashbacks about the wedding, but Azul told him his parents want to meet him and Malleus. Now it's worse. Doesn't help that Riddle gives them the side eye after the whole STIX ordeal. :3

I imagine Idia probably going more whiter than is biologically possible when he sees Mr Rosehearts. Like man is towering over him, being taller than Malleus too, and you tell him that man is the biological dad of the red shortie-

Malleus tries his best to make a good first impression. He fails because he can't get social cues... :'3

And you bet Riddle's just poking at Azul like 'You can't go back into the pot... Mama expects both of us to be here'.

The rest is up to interpretation :3c

Welp I didn't expect to be so long... But here we are :v

#twisted wonderland #asks :3 #riddle rosehearts #azul ashengrotto

[neganium]

Just got a weird email (that my mom is convinced is a scam) from like, Spotify for Podcasters? claiming I had subscribed to some douche or whatever, when I emphatically had not. She’s pissed bc I clicked to unsubscribe, bc she thinks that emails have psychic powers and can possess your computer even if they don’t make you download anything, or if you don’t put in any credentials- which, they didn’t even ask for any, and I was never prompted for a download by Firefox. it just took me to a page, with a button that asked me to confirm unsubscribing- just by clicking it, no information or anything. it gave me a survey asking a couple of questions related directly to subscribing to the podcast, as in why I did it (I selected “other” to inform them I emphatically had not done so), and where I listened (I’ve never listened to a podcast before, and I have little interest in doing so, especially now). looking into things makes it seem mostly legit? it wasn’t in spam, either. also it sent an email back confirming my cancellation- with someone else’s name attached. a name emphatically not attached to my account- or my regular spotify, anyway. spotify for podcasters is a real thing, at least this much is true; and I do not have an account for it, and don’t know or care if regular accounts would even work for it. idk. it’s both fishy and not at the same time; I was worried about getting into trouble with someone hounding me for money or something if I didn’t do something about it. it wouldn’t be the first time this address has shown signs of being compromised, either; used to get login attempts from china all the damn time.

idk. I just hate being compared to my Nan, who often falls for this stupid shit bc she lacks any sense wrt to it; I’m not stupid or naive.

ig the implication is that someone made an account for that service with this email?? it has no payment methods attached to it anymore, either; not since my og paypal got deleted for inactivity. all I really know for sure is that my mother berated me for something that probably isn’t a big deal at all, bc she’s kind of a bitch like that, and has poor understanding of these kinds of things, herself- to the opposite side of the scale to my nan.

[ricksroaches]

Jungkook - Dysphoria ch. 1

pairing: Yoongi x Reader, OT7 x Reader (platonic)

summary: Jungkook, a burnt out gifted student, comes home from summer camp not ready to start his sophomore year of highschool, but his friends are there to help him feel better. Although not in the best of ways.

notes: This is a Euphoria-ish au but mostly it's just heavily inspired by the show (I use a few quotes), and each chapter is based on a character. There's a few parts where I cue a song title that's because I made a soundtrack to listen to while reading but I deleted it a while ago so :( if you feel like it listen to the ones I did write down. I'm apologizing now bc my writing can be a bit choppy/rushed its just cuz i have a more drabble-like style and don't know how to write between big scenes. THIS IS A DARK FIC. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Hope you enjoy and sorry for this big ass paragraph.

word count: 3.9k

warnings: ass-load of angst, mental illness (depression, anxiety, bipolar, OCD, and probably more), drugs (all of them. just all of them), underage drinking, cursing, mentions of self-harm

Next chapter

[Slideshow - Labrinth]

When Jungkook was 5, he wanted to be an astronaut. He wanted to fly into the sky and zip around space exploring things never before seen. His little mind was so strong, wanting to learn anything and everything. When he first learned how to read, he would read every sign he passed in the car and play games with the letters he’d find. It wasn’t long before he was placed in advanced classes with kids he'd never seen before and for the first time in his academic career, he was challenged.

When Jungkook was 10, he wanted to be a doctor. He wanted to wear a white coat and glasses and race around a hospital busy saving lives everyday. He wanted people to look to him for advice and treat him with respect. He wanted to feel needed.

When Jungkook was 14, he wanted to be a paramedic. He didn’t think he’d be smart enough to become a doctor so an EMT would have to do. His classes had begun to pile up in work to the point where he didn’t have the time to think about anything but school. He ate, slept, and breathed homework, projects, and term papers.

When Jungkook was 16, all he wanted to do was graduate. He no longer had any desire to pursue his childhood dreams. When he was asked what he wanted to do when he was older, his mind was a void. He couldn’t see any future for himself past high school. He went day to day not bothering to care about what might happen the next day. He coasted through all of his classes and dropped out of the advanced programs that his parents put him in.

His potential was like a flame. It was small at first, but still had loads of potential, so more kindling was thrown on top. The flame received it well, quickly spreading over the new material. But they kept stacking kindling. Stacking and stacking and stacking putting more and more pressure until finally….the flame died. All because he liked to read.

[Forever - Labrinth]

The clouds inched across the sky and rows of crops and fencing whipped by the car window. A stark contrast between the two. Jungkook rested his head against the glass and watched as the car began to pass more and more houses. The familiar area told him he was almost home. He should’ve been glad, elated even. He would finally get to see his friends again, but after three weeks of summer school to catch up on the class he skipped last year he’d lost the ability to smile or show any form of positivity. To say he felt like a zombie would be an insulting understatement.

The car pulled into the ever so familiar driveway and the rest of his family piled out of the car. He didn’t move. He heaved a long, anguished sigh before snatching his duffel bag from the other seat and throwing open the door.

He was out the front door again before his mom could even ask him where he was going. Speeding his bike down the empty road that he’d ridden countless times before. He could make this route with his eyes closed. The house in question came into view and Jungkook pedaled harder to close the distance. He swung one leg to the opposite pedal and straddled it until he swerved to a stop in the driveway. The house was old, hadn’t been lived in for years, wasn’t on the market, yet wasn’t scheduled to be torn down. It was the perfect place for a group of teenagers to tear apart and put back together. Without knocking, he stepped inside and was hit with the welcoming scent of booze, pizza, and weed with notes of cigarettes and coffee. Music blasting from a distant room in the house led him to the living room where he counted one, two, three, four, five people sprawled about the room. Upon noticing him standing in the doorway, they jumped up and raced to pull him into the room.

“Kook! How you been man? How’d surviving summer school go?” Taehyung was Jungkook’s best friend and unsolicited wingman. He was always trying to set him up with girls so he could get his v card punched. Taehyung was ever the ladies man. Never had trouble finding a date or a hookup. No one could blame him though. If they had that flawless, arrogant face they’d use it too. Despite his fuckboy nature, he was the best friend Jungkook ever had. They’d gone to the same school since they were 7 and Taehyung’s untamable charisma sniffed out Jungkook’s shyness rather quickly. They were inseparable and the rest is history.

“Fine I guess.”

“Kookie, come sit down! I’ve been saving your spot on the couch for you!” Jimin pulled Jungkook to the left corner of the C shaped couch. Jimin was like Taehyung in the sense that he also had no issues with finding partners. He wasn’t near as promiscuous as Taehyung, but he made up for it with his bisexuality. He had an entire other gender to choose from. Jimin was probably the nicest of the group. He always gave the best hugs and was their personal therapist. His aura seemed to coax you into opening up to him even if you hadn’t originally planned on it. He had a way of saying all the right words to make you feel better, even if it was just for a moment. On the other side of him, he was the biggest party animal the group had ever seen. Anywhere else, he was the purest angel that everyone believed could do no wrong. But at a party? Park Jimin was a demon. Seductively dancing in a stylish jacket, pants low enough to show his v-line, sweaty hair flipped back pounding shot after shot until he was the last man standing. That guy could party from sun down to sun up like it was a baby shower.

“Did you at least learn anything you missed last year?” Namjoon. Ever the parent. He was surprisingly humble given his father’s status and money. He easily had the best grades among the friends. School always came easy to him, no matter what it was. However, if you saw him outside of school, you’d never be able to guess he was one of the school’s top students. He carried an energy with him that dared anyone to mess with him or his friends. Although you didn’t see it often, he could make himself scary if he wanted to. All in all, he’s just a gentle giant that made sure everyone turned in their work.

“Absolutely nothing. I don’t know why they keep wasting their time on me.” Jungkook sighed. Hoseok threw a pillow from across the couch, smacking him in the face.

“Yah! Don’t talk about yourself like that!” Hoseok was the human charger. It didn’t matter if someone’s mama died if Hoseok was in the room there would be shenanigans. He was always the one to make some crazy dare that would end up getting them in trouble but they wouldn’t be mad because it was totally worth it. He also had great music taste and almost always was on aux. Hoseok’s vice was coke. Often the driving force behind his hyper nature, it started out as just a thing he did at parties, but slowly creeped into his everyday habits. It hadn’t become a problem yet, he vowed that as soon as he started getting nosebleeds he’d stop, although Jungkook was wary of how difficult that was going to be.

“Where’s Y/N and Yoongi?” Jungkook asked after noticing their usual spots empty.

“They left to get food. They should be coming back soon.” Jin assured him, giving him a comical slap on the thigh. Jin was the eldest, but rarely acted like it. Whenever he wasn’t making stupid dad jokes or eating he spent his time at the classical theater where he worked and sometimes acted. He planned on pursuing acting given his “world wide handsome face.” “It just has to be seen! People around the world need to swoon at my beauty” as he would put it.

No one heard the front door open and shut or noticed Y/N and Yoongi standing in the doorway of the living room.

“Food’s here.” Yoongi finally croaked. Hoseok and Jin yelped and sprung up.

“JESUS! Ever heard of announcing yourselves?! I swear you guys are the exact same person!” Y/N just gave a shrug and plopped onto the large bean bag that she’d claimed.

“Hey, Kooker.” She dragged out.

“Hi Y/N..” His unusual bland reply didn’t go unnoticed by her, but she brushed it off.

“You ready to get shit faced?” A playful grin plastered her otherwise tranquil face. A small smile poked at Jungkooks pursed lips. There was something about her character that always put him in a better mood. She was the one who invited him and Tae into the friend group in the first place, and because of that, he couldn’t be more grateful.

Yoongi tossed him a beer can and his car keys. “Start us off Jungkook.” Yoongi was by far the most terrifying one. It took some time to get to know his true person but there were still times when he still scared the shit out of him. Jungkook remembered when he first met Yoongi. He looked like he’d served time with the seasoned look in his eye that said he’d seen some shit in his day. He hadn’t spoken the entire time the group was talking and Jungkook was beginning to worry that he didn’t like him. It wasn’t til he finally spoke that Jungkook could release the breath he was holding. For someone so stoic and cold looking, he never expected him to have such a low, soft voice. He realized, Yoongi wasn’t scary, he was just quiet like him.

Jungkook took the keys and poked a hole in the bottom of the can. He pressed his lips to it and pulled the tab, sending the amber liquor shooting down his throat. He finished it with ease and crushed the can in his palm while the room cheered and chanted.

The loud music, laughing, and drugs drowned out everything in the outside world. It felt like the world ended and they were the last people left on Earth. Nothing mattered but what was right in front of them. The hours flew by until it came time for everyone to crash. Most of them were still raging drunk or high which only made them fall asleep faster. Jungkook didn’t drink much and he barely smoked. He just couldn’t get in the right headspace to enjoy any of it. So there he was, laying awake among a pile of snoring boys at some ungodly hour of the night. His phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out to read the text in his notifications.

[We All Knew - Labrinth]

Y/N💜: come to my office

He shimmied out from under Taehyung and Jimin and tiptoed out of the room. He followed the smell of weed through the house because where there was weed, there was Y/N. He stepped into the backyard and found her leaning against the wall, blunt between her fingers. The tip of the dark stick swelled into a bright orange when she took a drag. Smoke rolling out of her nose, she held it out for him. He hesitated.

“You're upset. Take it.” Which was a dead-on observation for Y/N, who’s not normally revolving in the same direction as planet Earth. He hesitantly took a puff from it before handing it back. She spread her arms lazily and looked at him with a beckoning stare. He sighed and walked right into her arms that wrapped around his back. She was only older than him by a year, but her old soul and almost motherly demeanor made him look up to her like she was his idol. Sometimes, he forgot he was a whole head taller than her. “Welcome home, Kookie.”

Hers was the only welcome he got that day that brought a genuine smile to his face. She had a way of making him feel welcome and wanted even if she was in a bad mood. She broke the embrace and without a word headed to the old couch by the empty swimming pool. He eventually followed her and flopped down next to her. Another gush of smoke entered the chilly air and it was handed back to him. Feeling better, he took a healthy drag and sighed out the smoke as he sunk further into the couch.

“Was it that obvious?”

“Was what obvious?”

“Me being upset.”

“Not really.” She flicked the ash off the tip of the brown stick, her gaze not breaking from its spacey stare.

“Then how’d you know?”

“Pain recognizes pain.” Y/N wasn’t one for her genius epiphanies, given that nine times out of ten on any given day she was stoned out of her mind. She wasn’t dumb, god no. He wouldn’t doubt that she was smarter than him, but she rarely exercised her ability. As great of a gift that her mind was, it was an even worse curse. An inescapable tomb of her worst fears, thoughts, and intentions, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. So naturally, she tried anything and everything to silence her mind; alcohol, weed, acid, coke, molly, you name it, she’s done it.

Jungkook wasn’t angry or disappointed by the lengths she went. He knew she was just trying to feel better, and to him, that’s all that mattered. He’d take high Y/N over no Y/N at all.

“Y/N?”

“Yep.” There was a silence while he worked up the nerve to speak.

“How…uh….how long have you felt…the way you feel?” She chuckled and let her head fall back against the couch.

“Well I smoked a blunt with Yoongi in the car this morning and then-”

“No, I mean like…w-without drugs.” Her lazy smile didn’t change, but her eyes unfocused and she grew quiet as if lost in a flashback.

“How long do you think I’ve felt this way?” He didn’t anticipate this question.

“Uh…I don’t know…you hide it really well.”

“I couldn’t tell you when it started. I don’t remember much before 7. I’m told I was a happy kid, but it didn’t feel like it at all. All my life I’ve looked around and seen that everyone was so much happier than me, and I’d ask myself, ‘Why can’t I feel like that?’ It wasn’t until I was older that I learned…I was born to suffer. That’s just my place in the world.”

“When did you finally tell anyone?”

“I didn’t. My parents found my razors.” Jungkook always thought he saw scars on her arms and legs, but her milky skin made it hard to tell. It hurt his heart to know that it was true, and that every one of those once caused her pain. The image of her forearms and thighs slick with her blood brewed tears in his eyes.

“They determined they didn’t have the knowledge to help me, so they asked me to take a tour of this mental hospital and think about their suggestion….” She paused to keep her voice from cracking. “I didn’t make it home that day. Never really forgave them after that.”

There was a long silence after that. Jungkook didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. Besides, he knew she hated condolences. “What made you start using drugs?” She took a drag of the blunt and thought about it.

“I was 13.” Really? “I found my brothers stash of weed in one of his shoes. I already knew what weed was and what it was used for, so I took about a gram and a rolling paper and taught myself how to roll a joint on my bathroom floor. I was shaking like a dog shitting peach seeds but when that joint hit, I thought…” She tilted her head to peak at him with an epiphanic smile, “This is it…This is the feeling that I’ve been waiting to feel my entire life. I thought I was sure to get caught and sent to juvie, but I wasn’t. The world went on, and I found a way to live. Now could my lifestyle kill me? Will it kill me? Yeah probably I don’t know, but at least I could’ve had a few years where I wasn’t begging the universe to put me out of my misery.” She paused to take another hit. “People often ask me, ‘Y/N why don’t you try therapy? Drugs aren’t the answer.’ Yeah well, drugs work. Therapy’s a guessing game; you never know if it’s gonna actually help or not and end up wasting your time and money. But when I take that hit, that line, that tab, the world starts to slow…and everything goes quiet…and I feel safe. In my own head. And I can see the world in color again.”

Jungkook watched her blissful face while she was lost in thought. She must’ve been pretty high because this is the most personal she’d ever gotten with him or possibly anyone that wasn’t Yoongi. “Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“W-what if I don’t feel what everyone else feels either..?” He pinched the skin between his fingers to keep his tears at bay, a nervous habit he’d picked up from her. She reached over and took his hand in hers, the webbing between her fingers had white and pink stripes from years of fingernails digging into the flesh.

“Jungkook,” she didn’t use his nickname, “I know how hard it was for you to say that. I want you to know how much I appreciate you telling me, because if anyone knows how you feel, it’s me. You can talk to me whenever, wherever. Even when you think it’s a bad time it’s not, because nothing in that moment is more important to me than you. I don’t want you to go through the same thing I did, so please, even if you don’t want to talk, maybe I can at least keep you company.”

For the rest of the night, Jungkook told her everything. About the pressure, the stress, the desire to collapse and let the world go on without him, his inability to see a future where he was fulfilled. The words often caught in his throat, having never said them out loud before. Y/N didn’t say much, she just wrapped them in a blanket and stroked his hair while she just let him talk. Sometimes, he’d have to stop to cry and she’d hold him a little tighter, wipe his tears away with her thumbs, and wait til he was ready again.

Eventually, he had nothing else to say, his tears dried, and his body stilled.

Babies didn’t sleep that good.

Y/N nodded off a little later but was woken up by a raccoon tipping a trash can. She rested her cheek on his head and tried to go back to sleep, but it never came. She just continued to rest her eyes while playing with Jungkook’s hair and tracing lines along his features.

She didn’t know how long she laid there but soon the birds began their routine morning songs and she was sure she wouldn’t get back to sleep now. The faint tap of shoes on the concrete perked her ears, but she kept her eyes closed. The footsteps stopped behind the couch where she sat. It was quiet before the person chuckled quietly. A warm hand smoothed back the hair in her face and a little kiss was planted on her forehead. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face.

“Yoongi, I’m awake you creep.” She cracked her eyes open to see her boyfriend laid over the back of the couch hovering above her, his dark hair tickling her nose. He smirked.

“Well in that case,” he grabbed her chin and tilted her head up before capturing her lips in a playful kiss. When they parted, he glanced down at Jungkooks still sleeping figure. “You guys stay out here all night?”

“Yeah,” she looked down at him and smoothed his hair back, “he just had a few things to get off his chest.” Yoongi almost asked what it was about but her face gave him an idea.

“It’s cold, you want me to take him inside?”

“It won’t wake him up will it?”

“If he’s as out as as he looks, he won’t.” She nodded and Yoongi circled around and slipped his hands under the sleeping boy’s body. Much to Y/N’s pleasant surprise, he lifted him bridal style with ease and she followed him into the house where he placed him next to the other slumbering boys.

When he straightened back up he saw her in the sliding glass door, gazing at the now dusty blue sky. She could feel his body heat on her back against the nippy outside air.

“I always loved the time just before dawn.”

“Why is that?” He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his cheek to hers.

“It’s so calm and peaceful. And incredibly quiet besides the birds. It’s the only time I feel truly left alone.”

“You want me to show you my favorite time of day?” She turned to him with a curious look. “Follow me.” Not long after, the two were perched on the flat portion of the roof with Yoongi’s bong sitting between them. His angular fingers effortlessly packed the bowl and held it out to her. “All yours.” She took it with a smile.

“What a gentleman~”

Soon, the sky went from a pale blue to pastel shades of orange and pink. He looked over to see her fiddling with a thread on his hoodie she was wearing. “This,” he took her jaw and guided her eyes up for her to see the sunrise, “is my favorite time of day.”

“Why?”

“It gives me hope. Kinda like you.” He was glad she didn’t say anything. She was lost in the color palette of the scene before her, the weed making everything so much more vibrant and striking. He could see the sky reflected in her eyes, making the view ten times better. More time went by and she rested her head on his broad shoulder while they watched the rest of the sunrise.

Back on the ground, Yoongi cleared the bowl and poured out the bong water before setting it on a table by the couch. Y/N was on her back in the center of the empty pool, slowly tearing a leaf above her face and analyzing how it separated cell by cell. He stood on the edge above and watched her do this another four times much to his amusement. “You wanna get breakfast?”

She was out of the pool and in his face before he could finish his sentence. “Like you have to ask.” He chuckled and rolled his eyes before turning and walking to his car. “Hey, Yoongi.”

He turned back.

“Carry me to the car like Jungkook.” He broke into a smirk and walked back to her.

“Yes ma’am.” She let out a yelp when he scooped her off her feet and marched the two of them to his car waiting on the street.

Cover photo: @BIGHITTED on Twitter

#bts #bts fanfic #bts x reader #fanfic #yoongi #yoongi x reader #ot7 x reader #bts fic #yoongi fic #bts angst

[thanks--for--listening]

are there still beautiful things?

ahahah guess who’s finally back! with another fic that i lowkey am not sure if i like but whatever here it is its back to dinah/helena except this time its a childhood au based on seven by taylor swift bc a bitch does be loving folklore. (also on ao3.)

~~

There was a spot by the beach, hidden away from the sand and the water, that only two people in the whole world had ever known about. Bushes and branches blocked the view from the ground, and leaves draped down to cover the entrance. It was Paradise, impossible to find if you didn’t know about it — there was no path, no sign. Just instinct and memory. Both of which Dinah had inherited. 

The sound of the other kids got quieter as she made her way through the dirt and trees, feeling for the familiar marker, the stub that meant she was almost there. She wasn’t sure she liked the silence, not when she didn’t have someone to share it with anymore. He’d sworn her to secrecy, and she always kept her promises, but Dinah hadn’t realized how lonely it would be to keep this secret all to herself.

The swing was exactly as she’d left it. He’d built it for her when they first found the spot, had promised it wouldn’t break, that it would be waiting for her every summer, and she’d never known him to be wrong but she still sighed in relief when she saw it. She didn’t know if she’d be able to get up without his help, but she’d grown since last year, and the difference between eight and nine was enough to reach the seat. Hanging from the branches above her, it gave her the height she needed to see the water through the leaves, to look down at the rest of the world and not have to worry about being seen. 

She wondered if he could see her up here. If he looked down on her the same way she looked down at everyone else. Mom said he did, but Mom believed in a lot of things that Dinah wasn’t sure about, and the world didn’t feel big enough for ghosts and heaven. Not when it already had magic. 

A noise pulled her back into reality, and she turned in time to watch a girl fall through the leaves and into Paradise. “Hey!” Dinah yelled without thinking, “You can’t be in here! This is mine!”

The girl jumped and turned toward her. For a minute Dinah forgot why she was yelling. She was the prettiest person she’d ever seen, except for Mom. Her hair was in two braids, each one long enough to pass her shoulders. Her eyes were so big she felt like she couldn’t stop looking at them, even if she’d wanted to. Which she didn’t. Once glance and she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to stop looking.

The girl still hadn’t said anything, was just staring at her, and it was only then that Dinah realized she looked scared. “How did you find this place?” She asked, trying her best to sound less angry. 

“I didn’t — I mean, it was an accident.”

“No one’s supposed to be able to find me when I’m in here.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll leave, I promise, I just — can I hide here? Just for a little bit, and then you never have to see me again.”

Dinah jumped off the swing, stepped closer to the girl. She’d picked herself off the ground, and now, standing in front of one another, Dinah realized the other girl was just a little taller than her. Usually she hated being short, hated that no one ever saw her as anything other than tiny and cute and weak, but this girl almost looked like she was trying to be shorter, to take up less space. Dinah didn’t understand it at all. 

“Who are you hiding from?”

“Everyone. But mostly Sal.”

“Who’s Sal?”

“My driver.”

That explained the uniform, the fancy looking dress and the super tall socks and the church shoes. Dinah thought it looked all wrong on her. Like a costume, something she was dressing up in just for show. “You’re one of those super rich people then, aren’t you?”

The girl made a face, like the question confused her. “I don’t know. How do you know if you’re super rich?”

“Well, most people don’t pay other people to drive them around unless they’re really, really rich.”

“Oh.”

Dinah shook her head. She’d always known they didn’t have much, felt like she was constantly being reminded of it. She wondered what it would be like, to get to not think about money. To have so much you didn’t even realize you had it. 

She tried to not be mean. It was something Mom said she had to work on, so she took a breath and reminded herself that it wasn’t this girl’s fault her parents had money and Mom didn’t. “Okay, so why are you hiding from your driver?” Dinah smiled. “Is he a spy?”

“What? No.”

“A pirate?”

“No.”

Dinah hesitated, before lowering her voice and asking, “Is he trying to hurt you?”

The girl gasped. “No. Sal would never hurt me.” 

“Then why do you need to hide so badly?”

The girl looked down at the scuff marks that would surely be out the next time she wore those stupid shoes. “Don’t make fun of me.”

“I won’t.”

The girl looked up, and she must have seen the truth in Dinah’s eyes, because she sighed and said, “He doesn’t ever leave me alone. Everywhere I go lately he’s always right behind me. I’m just sick of it. I’m ten years old, I don’t need to be babysat all the time.”

“You’re right.” She looked at Dinah in surprise, so she added, “My mom lets me come here all the time. And I’m only nine.”

“She does?”

Dinah nodded. “We live down the street. I know every corner of this place.”

“Does that mean you know all the best hiding spots?”

“Yep. But none of them are better than this one.” She sat down, motioned for the other girl to sit with her. “You can hide here. I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier.”

“Thanks.” She slowly sat down next to her. “I’ve never been here before — Papa decided we needed to spend more time out of the house. Sal’s the one who picked the beach.”

“Did he not tell you where you were going? You’re not even wearing a bathing suit.”

“I didn’t have time to grab one — Papa had people coming over.”

“What does that mean?” She asked, but the other girl’s eyes had already widened, and Dinah didn’t know what she’d said but she’d seen that look before, knew it always meant something was wrong. 

“I’m not supposed to talk about it. About Papa. About business.”

Dinah shrugged. “Okay. We don’t have to talk about it.” The other girl nodded, but she still seemed nervous. She didn’t know what it was, exactly, but there was something about the sight of her fidgeting with her braids, loosening strands of hair until they poked out between the crosses, that made Dinah feel like she’d do anything to get it to stop, to make her feel better. It possessed her, took over so quickly she didn’t have time to think before she opened her mouth and said, “My Dad used to build houses.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He built everything. He made me that swing,” she pointed behind her, “and he helped me make this place. Helped me hide it.”

“He sounds like a lot of fun.”

“He was.”

The girl’s eyes scrunched together, and her head tilted slightly as she asked, “Was?”

Dinah nodded, stared at her hands in her lap. “He died last year. It was an accident.”

“Oh.” 

“I don’t like to talk about it that much.”

“Then why are you telling me?” She looked up, watched the other girl hesitate before adding, “That wasn’t right, was it?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that wasn’t what I was supposed to say. That’s not what people usually ask.”

Part of her wanted to lie, but she shook her head instead. “No, not really.”

The girl's hands drifted back up to her braids, and now she was the one who wouldn’t look Dinah in the eye. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I never know how to do things right.”

“It’s okay.” The girl gave her a look, as if she didn’t believe her. “I’m serious. Everyone always gets weird and fake when my Dad gets brought up. I’d rather get questions like yours. Even if I don’t know the answer.”

“Really?” Dinah nodded. “Mama always says that I have to start learning how to be normal. But I don’t think that’s something most people have to learn. I don’t even know where to start.”

“Well, I think normal is boring and stupid. You don’t need it.” The girl smiled, and Dinah couldn’t stop from mirroring it. “I’m Dinah,” she said, sticking her hand out in front of her.

The girl reached for it, but pulled back. “I can’t tell you my name.”

“What? Why not?”

“Papa says we aren’t supposed to ever let anyone know who we are unless they already know. He says we have to protect ourselves and the family.”

“This isn’t like Stranger Danger, though. I’m not going to try and kidnap you with candy and a puppy.”

“I know. But I still can’t tell you.”

Dinah wanted to get mad. She thought she would. The past year, everything seemed to set her off, to fuel a fire in her stomach that she hadn’t noticed before, but now...the fire was quiet. And she wasn’t sure what that meant.

“Well, I need to call you something,” she finally decided. They both sat there, thinking, and in the silence Dinah could hear the birds chirping above them. She looked up, watched as two flew into the tree that carried the swing, danced around one another before flying off. Even as they flew away they stayed close by. It was like they belonged together. 

“I don’t have any nicknames,” the other girl said, but Dinah kept staring at the sky, following the birds until they were nothing more than a speck in the distance. 

“How about Blackbird?” 

The girl frowned. “That’s an animal, not a name.”

“So? My Dad used to call my Mom Canary. That means animals can also be names.”

“But why Blackbird?”

“My mom sings a song about one a lot. It’s really pretty. So the bird must be pretty, too.”

“Your Mom’s a singer?”

Dinah nodded. “That’s why Dad used to call her Canary. She has a different job to make money, but singing is her favorite. Just like me.”

“Then maybe I should call you that, too. So we both have nicknames.”

“Yeah. I’d like that.” Dinah couldn’t stop from smiling, especially when Blackbird smiled back at her.

It faded as she turned toward the leaves. Dinah stared at them too, and a second later she heard the footsteps. Neither of them breathed as the sound passed by Paradise; it was only when they got quieter again that Blackbird exhaled. 

“That’s probably Sal looking for me.”

“Will you come back?” She couldn’t stop the hope from slipping into her voice, from making her sound as desperate as she knew she was. Friends weren’t very easy to come by, and she wasn’t ready to let go of this one. Not yet. 

“I don’t know — I’ll try. I’ll tell Sal to bring me back next time I have to get out of the house. He should listen to me.”

“Well, you’ll know where to find me if you do. I’m always here.”

Blackbird smiled, and it looked like she was about to leave, before she stopped. The smile disappeared as she said, “You can’t tell anyone about me. Ever.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

She looked so afraid. Dinah didn’t understand why it mattered, but she held out her pinkie anyway. When Blackbird just stared at it, she sighed and reached for hers, forced their fingers to intertwine. 

“What are you doing?” 

“It’s a pinkie swear,” Dinah told her. “It’s stronger than a promise. It means I won’t ever tell anyone if you don’t want me to.”

Blackbird stared at their hands, their fingers still tied together. Dinah looked at them, too. It felt right. She couldn’t explain why, but she knew she didn’t want it to stop. 

The footsteps went by again, and she watched Blackbird jump, tug her hand back. She waited ten more seconds, staring at Dinah the entire time, before she disappeared, backed out of Paradise and into reality. 

—

A whole week passed before she saw her again. 

She’d begun to worry that she would never come back. Dinah told herself that not everyone had the freedom she did, that if Blackbird didn’t show it wasn’t because she didn’t want to, but because she couldn’t get away. Convincing herself took more work as the days passed. It wouldn't have been the first time she thought she’d made a friend only for them to bail on her. She knew people lied, but something about this girl had felt different. And she’d seen Paradise — she had to come back.

It was on Friday, as she sat on the swing trying to convince herself to not lose hope, that the leaves rustled. She turned and watched her walk in slowly, like she didn’t believe anyone would be waiting for her. Dinah saw the moment she saw her, saw the smile creep onto her face, and she knew she wore one, too. 

“You came back.”

“You waited for me.”

Dinah jumped off the swing. She still had the same two braids as last time, but the church dress was gone; instead, Blackbird was wearing a white tank top and skirt. It still didn’t look like her. “You’re not dressed for the beach again.”

“I know — we were on our way home from Tennis lessons when Sal turned around.”

“I didn’t know you played tennis.”

“I do lots of things. Mama loves activities. She says it makes us dignified, but I don’t really know what that means.”

Dinah shrugged. “I play soccer during the school year, but I don’t do much during the summer. Except when Mom teaches me guitar. What do you do?”

She spoke like she was reading from a book, saying another person’s words. “Fencing and Chinese lessons on Monday’s. Archery and Spanish on Tuesday’s. Piano and Italian on Wednesday’s. Violin and Gymnastics on Thursday’s. Chess and Tennis on Friday’s. The weekend is for practice. And church.”

“Wow. That’s a lot.” 

Blackbird shrugged. “Mama says they’re all supposed to teach me stuff, but sometimes I think she just wants to keep us out of the house.”

“Us?”

“My brother and I. He has his own lessons.”

“I didn’t know you had a brother.”

Blackbird smiled, which made Dinah smile. “Yeah. He’s only seven, but he’s already way smarter than I am. And he’s really funny, except for when he’s being annoying.”

“You’re so lucky. You have a brother, and you play two instruments. I only know guitar, and I’m not even good at it yet.”

She shook her head. “You’re the lucky one, Canary. You get to come here whenever you want. You don’t have to hide from your parents.”

Dinah bit her lip. She knew she could lie, knew if she agreed Blackbird would think nothing of it, but when she tried to nod, she couldn’t. She didn’t want to — not with her. “Actually, I kinda do.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, my mom doesn’t think I’m alone when I come here. She thinks I have all these friends I hang out with. If she knew I didn’t have any, she’d worry. And she has enough to worry about already.”

“You don’t have other friends?” The question was so genuine Dinah couldn’t get mad. She didn’t say it like she was trying to make fun of her, but like she didn’t believe it. Like Dinah being friendless couldn’t possibly be true. 

“No. After my dad, I got kinda mad at everyone. Wasn’t very fun to be around. And now…” she shrugged. “I don’t really know how to try again. Everyone at school’s already made up their minds about me.”

Blackbird didn’t say anything. Dinah wondered if she’d done it again, managed to ruin it before they could even start, but then she sighed. “I’m not sure how to help,” she finally said, “because I don’t have any friends, either.”

“You don’t?”

She shook her head. “My family…intimidates people. The other girls at school are told not to talk to me.”

The anger came almost instantly. “Well, they’re dumb! Who cares what your family does?”

“They’re not dumb — they’re scared. But I’m not entirely sure why. I think it has to do with the business, but no one will tell me what that is.”

Realization hit her. “Is that why you didn’t want to tell me your name? So I wouldn’t be scared?”

Blackbird wouldn’t look at her. “It might have been part of it.”

Dinah reached for her, ignored the way her nerves seemed to jump as she grabbed her hand. “You don’t have to tell me, but I don’t care who your family is — nothing about you could ever scare me away.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. I’m not a coward — plus, it doesn’t matter what your last name is. You’re not scary. Especially when you’re dressed like that.” 

She smiled, and Dinah knew she should let go of her hand now, but she lingered, just a little. It felt nice, and Blackbird wasn’t pulling away. So they sat there for a minute, neither of them saying anything, and Dinah didn’t usually like silence, but she didn’t mind this one. 

“Hey, did I tell you what we called this place?” She eventually asked. Blackbird shook her head. Dinah smiled, stood up and spread her arms out wide, did her best to act as dramatic as possible. “This,” she announced, “is Paradise.”

Blackbird laughed, and Dinah thought it might be the most beautiful sound in the world. “It’s perfect. I never want to leave.”

—

Their meetings were sporadic at best. Blackbird rarely showed up on the same days or at the same times, but Dinah could usually count on seeing her at least a few times each week. She always wore something frilly and fake, and Dinah wasn’t sure what looked like her, but she knew it wasn’t anything she’d ever worn. 

They spent most of their time talking. She was always having to listen for Sal, and they never knew when she’d be able to come back, so they fit as much as they could into every day. Dinah told her about the best Saturday morning cartoons (Blackbird’s parents wouldn’t let her or her brother watch them), and she told Dinah about all her different lessons. Dinah learned that she liked archery and the piano best, and hated chess most of all. 

“It’s too slow,” she complained, “and I always lose.”

“That’s why you should just play checkers instead,” Dinah kept telling her. “It’s faster and way more fun.”

“Mama says chess teaches you strategy and patience.”

“When are you ever gonna need to know how to do strategy?”

She laughed at that. “Strategy isn’t something you do, it’s something you learn.”

“Well, it sounds boring. It’s summer! You’re not supposed to be learning anything!”

“Not in my family.” She laughed, but it always made Dinah a little sad to hear her talk like that. Blackbird had looked so confused the first time she asked why she didn’t just quit whatever she didn’t like. She’d said that what she did wasn’t up to her; Dinah decided then that she wasn’t a fan of either of Blackbird’s parents, not if they kept her from doing fun stuff. From figuring out what she liked. Who she was. 

—

She remembered the first time Blackbird used the swing. Dinah had caught her staring at it for weeks, but she didn’t say anything. Sharing Paradise was one thing, but he’d made the swing for her. It felt wrong to let anyone else use it. 

The more time they spent together, the more she thought maybe she was looking at this all wrong. He might have made Paradise for her to hide in, but that didn’t mean she had to hide alone. And she wanted Blackbird to be happy. She was beginning to think she wanted that more than anything else. 

So the next time she caught her looking, Dinah decided not to ignore it. “Do you wanna use it?”

She looked at her like a deer caught in headlights, like the very act of wanting it was something to feel guilty about, and whatever hesitation Dinah might have had disappeared instantaneously. She stood up, held her arm out and waited for her to take it; it took her a minute, but Dinah would have waited hours if that’s what she needed.

“You can’t swing too hard, otherwise the branch could give out,” she said as they walked up to it. “But you can see the whole beach from up there.”

Blackbird reached for the seat, letting her hand drift over the wood. “Are you sure I’m not going to break it?”

“I’m positive.”

Dinah watched as she jumped up, clinging to the rope that tied it to the tree above them. Part of her wanted to close her eyes, to bring up the view she’d memorized ages ago, to pretend they were both looking at it at the same time, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn away. Not when Blackbird was staring at the beach with wide eyes and wearing a smile that blew the view itself out of the water. 

“It’s beautiful,” she said softly. 

Dinah hummed in agreement. “Dad used to say this beach was the secret gem of Gotham. That it stayed beautiful because not many people knew about it.”

“He was right.” She seemed to speak on instinct, and Dinah watched as she brought herself back down to earth, her face changing along the way. “He made this for you. It’s special. I shouldn’t be up here.”

“No, it’s okay.” She had to reach forward to stop her from jumping off the seat. “Stay.”

“But—“

“But nothing.” She looked at her like she didn’t believe it, and Dinah had to search for the words to explain what had changed. “My dad made this whole place for us to be together. He built me the swing so I could see what he saw. But he’s gone now, and I don’t want to be alone here anymore.”

She didn’t look fully convinced, but she also didn’t try and jump off again, so Dinah counted it as a win. They stood there, listening to the birds and the bugs and everything else around them. It was funny, she thought, how different the world sounded when there was someone else with you to listen. How nature’s noise didn’t feel like it was desperately trying to fill the space around her anymore. 

—

There were some days when Blackbird was quiet. She’d come in and sit down, never saying much or looking up at her. It was almost like she was in a trance, like she was lost in her own head, and Dinah couldn’t do anything but wait for her to find her way out again. On the quiet days, she sat with her, stared up at the sky and made sure to stay close enough so that she always knew she was there. 

It had started as one of those days, until Blackbird broke her own silence. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Anything.”

“How does it feel? To lose someone?”

Dinah couldn’t stare at the ground fast enough. “It’s not great.”

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I’m not — I don’t want to make you sad. Or talk about it if I’m not allowed to ask.”

“No. It’s okay,” she said, and she was surprised to find that she was telling the truth. Everyone else who asked her about it only pissed her off, but something made this different. Made her different.

“It’s just — I don’t think I’m going to be very good at losing people. And I want to be prepared for when it happens. I don’t want to make things worse the way I always do.”

“You could never make anything worse.”

“I already do. With everything. It’s like the whole world was given a rule book except me, and now I never know how I’m supposed to act or feel or think, and everyone can see it but no one will tell me the right answers.” She waited a second, before adding, “I think you’re the only person who doesn’t notice.”

If Dinah could fight everyone who’d ever made her feel that way, she would. “The world is wrong, then,” she said, “if they can’t see what I see.”

Neither of them spoke for a minute. Dinah thought about her question, thought about the blurry days from right after and the nights she heard Mom pretend she wasn’t crying. She thought about all the months since, and she didn’t know which part was the most important, but she knew that Blackbird deserved to hear the truth. Or some version of it, at least. 

“Losing people is weird. You keep thinking it’s going to stop hurting eventually, but it doesn’t. Not really. The hurt just...changes. Like, some days I feel totally normal, and then something little happens, and it’s like I can’t breathe all of a sudden. Other days the pain just kinda sits in the background of everything I do, and no matter how much I try to ignore it, I can’t.”

“That sounds really hard.”

“Yeah. The worst part is that there’s no one to blame. It just happened. Mom says that as more time passes, it’ll get easier, but she also says we have to do the work to heal before that can happen. I don’t really know what she means when she says that, but I pretend like I do. I think it helps her, to think that I understand.”

Blackbird closed her eyes. “I hope I never have to lose anyone. And I hope you don’t have to anymore, either.”

Dinah tried to smile, but she couldn’t quite find it. “Yeah. Me too.”

—

“Do you believe in magic, Blackbird?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Too good to be true.”

Dinah hesitated, before asking, “Would you believe me if I said I have magic?”

She looked up, and Dinah watched her think it over before answering. “Yes.”

“Why? You just said you don’t believe in it.”

“I believe in you. And I don’t think you’d ever lie to me. So if you told me you could do magic, then you can do magic.”

Dinah hesitated, before sitting up. “Okay. If I tell you this, you can’t tell anyone else. Ever.”

Blackbird sat up, too, stuck her pinkie out. Dinah reached for it, and while they held onto each other, she whispered, “My mom has superpowers, and I do, too.”

Her eyes widened. “What can you do?”

“Well, I can't do it yet. Not really. But my mom can destroy things with just her voice. And she’s gonna teach me how to do it when I’m older.”

“Wow.” She’d never told anyone before, but now, looking at her, she wasn’t sure why Mom had been so worried about people knowing their secret. Blackbird wasn’t scared of her. If anything, she seemed...amazed. Like Dinah’s powers made her special. Like Dinah was special.

“Mom says we have to hide it for now, but one day we’re gonna use them for good.”

“How?”

Dinah shrugged. “I guess fight bad guys.”

“Oh! Like the girls in your cartoon!”

She laughed. “Yeah, exactly like that.”

“I like that idea,” she said. “You would be a good superhero.”

Dinah gasped. “You should be one with me!”

“But I don’t have any superpowers.”

“Who cares? You can use your fencing swords! Or your bow and arrow! Or all that chess strategy.” Blackbird smiled, but she still looked like she didn’t believe it. Like she couldn’t see it. “We could wear matching costumes,” Dinah continued. “And we can use Paradise as our superhero base.”

“I guess I could be a good sidekick.”

Dinah gasped, reached over and punched her on the arm. “Don’t say that! We’d both be the heroes.”

“Is that even allowed?”

“Who cares? We’ll be grown-ups — we can make our own rules.”

She laughed, but it didn’t last very long. “It just doesn’t seem very likely.”

“Your parents won’t always be able to tell you what to do and where to go. One day, you’ll get to decide everything for yourself.”

Blackbird just shrugged. “Maybe.”

Dinah knew they could end it at that, but something in her didn’t want to let go of this just yet. “What color would you want your superhero costume to be?”

“I don’t know. Whatever color you like, I guess.”

She shook her head. “No, you have to pick for yourself. What’s your favorite color?”

“Mama says I look nice in green.”

“But what do you like?”

“I don’t know. Green, I guess. It’s easier to like whatever Mama likes.”

Dinah wasn’t sure what it was about today, what made this time different from the other days they’d spent here, but she couldn’t take it anymore. The anger came up before she could stop it. “What’s wrong with you?! Why don’t you ever stand up for yourself?”

She wanted the words back as soon as they came out. She wanted to rewind, wanted to be nicer, calmer, but instead she was stuck, forced to watch the way Blackbird’s face fell, the way her eyes widened and filled with tears. Her hand jumped up to her braids. She’d almost forgotten about the habit, hadn’t seen it in over a month, and she hated herself for being the reason it came back. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and Dinah couldn’t stand that her voice sounded that small, that she was the reason for it. She tried to stand up, tried to find the words to make it better, but Blackbird was gone before she had the chance, backing out of Paradise and disappearing among the trees.

—

She spent three days practicing what to say if she ever came back. She wrote it down, memorized it, stared in the mirror and repeated herself over and over and over again. Not apologizing had stopped her from getting her old friends back; she wasn’t going to let it stop her from losing this one. 

With every day that passed, she tried to imagine what Blackbird was doing. Whether she was winning in fencing. Whether she was learning a new song on the piano. Whether she was thinking about her. Missing her. Dinah thought about her life and wondered if maybe she’d overestimated what Paradise had to offer, if maybe she’d taken away its only appeal when she yelled at her. 

She was sitting on the swing when she finally saw her again. It almost felt familiar — the sound of the leaves rustling, Dinah turning back to find a skittish girl standing behind her. “You came back,” she said, instinct driving her off-script before she could even start. “I wasn’t sure that you would.”

“I wasn’t sure that you’d want me to come back.”

“No! I mean, yes! I do! I do want you back!” Dinah jumped off the swing, reached for her hands and prayed she wouldn’t pull away. “I’m so sorry, Blackbird. I never should have yelled at you like that. I didn’t mean it, any of it.”

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have run away.”

Dinah shook her head. “No, this was all my fault. I didn’t mean to get upset. I just...I don’t like seeing you be mean to yourself. And I don’t like that you feel like you can’t be a person outside of your family. I think that’s what I was angry about, but I took it out on you. And that was wrong.”

“Why does that make you angry?” Dinah usually loved how every question she had felt honest and genuine, but she didn’t want her to ever have to question this. 

“Because I want you to be happy.”

“Why?”

“Because I think everyone deserves to be happy, but especially you. I care more about you being happy than anyone else. You're my best friend.”

Her eyes widened. “Really?” 

“Of course.”

“I think you’re my best friend, too, Canary. I promise I’ll never run away from you again.”

She wasn’t sure whether she wanted to jump or cry or scream; instead, she said, “I know you don’t like them, but I’m going to hug you now, because if I don’t I think I might explode.”

Blackbird laughed, and Dinah couldn’t help herself anymore. She flung her arms around her, squeezed as tight as she could. With her head against her chest, she could feel the way her body moved when she laughed, could feel the softness of those stupid clothes, could even hear her heart beating, the sound quiet but strong. She decided this, not Paradise, was her favorite place in the world.

“Would you be mad,” Blackbird said hesitantly, “if I told you I still don’t know what my favorite color is?” 

Dinah fought back a smile, even though she knew she couldn’t see her face. “No. We don’t have to be superheroes until we’re super old, anyway. I’m sure you’ll figure it out by then.” She forced herself to step back, to let go, to look her in the eyes. “Besides, whatever color you like now could change. So much will probably be different by the time we grow up.”

“Not us, though, right?”

“No,” Dinah said, and she knew she was telling the truth when she promised, “We won’t ever change.”

—

Dinah saw her for two weeks straight at the beginning of August. The first week was perfect. The days felt special — earned, almost. As if it was their reward for having spent the rest of the summer stealing minutes and hours whenever they could. The sun never left, and it took Sal longer and longer to come looking for her. Most days, Dinah prayed he wouldn’t show, that his footsteps wouldn’t ever make themselves heard along their dirt path, and during that first week, her wish almost felt like it was coming true. 

On the eighth day, though, Blackbird burst through the walls of Paradise in tears. Dinah watched for a second, shock freezing her in place. Once it wore off, she had to fight the urge to throw her arms around her, to hold her so tight that she couldn’t feel anything else. Dinah remembered days when she used to cry like this. Sometimes she needed the pain, needed to scream and cry just to get it all out, so she sat next to her, put her head on her shoulder and waited for her breaths to slow. 

When they did, she had to bite back all her questions. She added patience to the list of reasons she wished she could tell her Mom about Blackbird, put it right next to the other things their relationship proved: that she hadn’t lost the ability to be a friend to someone, that she hadn’t been lying all summer, that she’d be okay. But she’d made a promise. And no matter how selfish she wanted to be, she wasn’t in the habit of breaking promises. So she waited. And waited. And after what felt like forever, Blackbird finally spoke. 

“I heard him,” she whispered, “on the phone.”

“Heard who?”

“Papa.” She stared at the trees in front of them, and she spoke in a voice Dinah didn’t recognize. It was almost anger, but not quite. Almost sadness, too. Somewhere in between, maybe, but whatever it was, whatever she was feeling, it was heavy. Dinah fought back the thought that maybe she wasn’t strong enough to help carry it.

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t hear it all. He didn’t know I was there. But it was the way he said it. It…” she shivered, and Dinah finally put an arm around her, tried to pull her closer. “I’ve never heard him talk like that before. Not to me, not to anyone.”

For the first time she turned, and all Dinah could see was panic. “On the phone, he...he was threatening people. He was yelling and using bad words, and he was acting really, really scary, but I don’t think it was pretend. I think he meant it all.”

Dinah didn’t need to know anything else. “Okay. Then you’re not going back.”

The panic melted into confusion almost instantly. “What?”

“Home. You’re not going back. Not if your dad is scaring you.”

“Where would I go?”

“You can come live with me. My mom won’t mind. I know she won’t.”

Blackbird shook her head. “She wouldn’t want me.”

“Of course she would. You’re nice and smart and fun and pretty. Anybody would want you.”

“Even you?”

“Especially me. If you came and lived with me, it would be like Paradise, but every single day.” She smiled, let herself run away with the idea. “You could sleep in my room with me, and we could stay up late every night, and we could come here whenever we wanted.”

She smiled, just a little bit. “It does sound fun.”

“It would be perfect! You wouldn’t have to be scared all the time, and I wouldn’t have to be alone.”

For a minute, it looked like she let herself see it. The life they both wanted, almost within their reach. But it didn’t last. “My family would find me.”

“Then...we’ll run away! Just the two of us. We’ll go somewhere so far they’ll never find us.”

“How? We’re just kids.”

“We can jump on a train. Or become pirates and sail across the ocean.” She saw the hope in her eyes fading away. Dinah desperately tried to get it back. “Or maybe I can learn to drive, and I’ll take my dad’s old truck and come get you, or—“

“It doesn’t matter,” she said softly. “Nowhere in the world is far enough that they won’t find me. They’d never let me go.”

“Not even if you asked?”

Blackbird shook her head. “They need me. For business.”

“Why would they need you for that? You’re ten.”

“Not now — later. My family,” she said softly. “They’re all part of it. Whatever it is. Whatever we do. And one day, I will be, too.” 

She spoke as if the words were a realization. Dinah watched her eyes go wide, her hands creeping toward her braids. “Hey,” Dinah reached for them, tried to pull them away from her hair. “It’ll be okay.”

Blackbird shook her head. “I think it already started. I just didn’t notice.”

“What are you talking about? What’s already started?”

“Letting us in on the secret. I think...I think I’m going to know everything soon.”

“Didn’t you want to know?”

“Not anymore.” She stood up suddenly, started pacing around Paradise. “I’m the oldest. It’s gonna be me. And I’m going to have to mean it all, too.”

“Wait, Blackbird, slow down. What’s going to be you?”

She froze, looked down at her as if it was obvious. “I’m going to be in charge. Of the business.”

“Says who?”

“Everyone. Mama, Papa, my aunts and uncles. That’s what they meant when they said we were the legacies. Next in line. It was always going to be me or Pino, but if the one in charge is going to have to…” she shook her head. “It has to be me. I won’t let it be him.”

Dinah tried to wrap her mind around what she was saying, but it was like trying to do a puzzle while missing half of the pieces — the picture just didn’t make any sense. “But do you want to do it? Be in charge and be mean to people?”

“Don’t you get it?!” Now, for the first time all summer, Dinah was seeing how anger, plain and simple, looked on her. “I don’t get to do what I want. Ever. I never have and I never will. I can’t hide, I can’t run away. Nothing in the world can stop this from happening.”

They sat in the silence for a minute. It hurt more than the ones she’d grown used to — as if it was filled with pain instead of comfort, anger instead of ease. She wanted to fight back. She wanted to stand up and yell, to say that she was stronger, that she could fight it. She could save her. But Dinah had nothing to offer. She was small and adults were big, and nothing she did could change that. Not yet, at least. Not now.

But not forever. Mom always told her that the power inside of her, inside both of them, would let them help people. One day, Dinah would be the powerful one. The hero. She’d learn, and she’d grow, and she’d never have to feel helpless again. Her voice would save them both — all she needed was patience. 

“I’ll stop it,” she finally said. “When I’m older and stronger and can use my powers. I’ll come save you. I’ll protect you. You just have to wait for me.”

“How? How could you stop it?”

“I don’t know. But I’ll figure out a way. And you won’t ever have to be what they want you to be. You won’t have to do anything unless you want to.” She stuck her pinkie out before she could decide whether it was a good idea or not. “I promise.”

Blackbird looked like she was going to protest, but she didn’t. She nodded and locked pinkies with her, and Dinah prayed she wasn’t making a promise she couldn’t keep.

—

The following Monday came heavy with the truth neither of them wanted to acknowledge. It was hidden in every word they said, in the silence between. They skirted around it, tried to ignore it as long as they could, but with every passing minute, she knew it only grew stronger: the feeling of running out of time.

Dinah broke first. “What are we going to do when school starts again?”

Blackbird just shrugged. She was laying down, staring up at the sky. Dinah sat on the swing, and she was tempted to look up with her, to try and find whatever had caught her attention, but nothing the world had to offer could make her take her eyes off Blackbird. Not when she wasn’t sure how much longer she had to memorize the sight of her. 

“I don’t want to think about school.”

“Yeah. Me neither.” She hesitated, before adding, “I wish we got to go to school together.”

“We wouldn’t be in the same grade, though. I’m a year older than you, remember?”

“Yeah, but we could still see each other during recess and lunch. Plus, just knowing you’re there would make it better.”

“You would hate my school. We have to wear uniforms every single day. Dresses with tights and fancy shoes.”

“I would wear them for you,” Dinah said, and she saw her smile, still staring at the sky. “You would hate my school, too — the only afterschool activity we have is basketball. Nothing as fancy as everything you do.”

“I would give up all of my lessons for you,” she said back, and Dinah didn’t know what to do with the way her words made her feel. Warm and fuzzy and seen. It made her never want to hide again. 

Blackbird turned, shifted onto her elbows so they were facing each other. “Canary,” she said, and Dinah could hear it in her voice that the time for pretending was over. “Are we ever going to see each other again after this week?”

“Of course we are,” she responded with more confidence than she had.

“How? When?”

“I don’t know. But even if we have to spend all year without each other, we can always come back to Paradise next summer.”

“That’s a long time from now.”

“Yeah,” Dinah said, “but I’d wait forever if I had to. Best friends don’t give up on each other.”

Blackbird nodded, with more determination than Dinah had ever seen from her. “I believe you,” she said, “but if it’s going to be that long, we should make this week the best week ever. Do everything we want before we have to wait.”

She knew exactly what she wanted to do, had known for a while, but found the courage in Blackbird’s conviction to follow through, to make a plan and stick with it. “Okay,” she said. “Best week ever.”

—

“I have a surprise for you,” Dinah said the minute Blackbird stepped into Paradise on Tuesday. She pulled the guitar from behind her back and watched as her eyes widened. 

“Are you going to play for me?” Any nerves she might have had slipped away with the question. Dinah wasn’t sure she’d ever heard Blackbird sound that excited. And it was all because of her. The thought made it impossible to fight back a smile.

She nodded, sat down and heard Blackbird sit down across from her. She’d spent all morning anxiously tuning the strings the way Mom had shown her, playing the hard parts over and over again until she knew she wouldn’t mess them up.  

“Remember when we first met, how I told you about that song? The one my mom likes to sing?” She fiddled with a couple of the strings as she talked, listened to make sure the notes sounded the way they were supposed to. 

“The one about the Blackbird?” She asked, and Dinah smiled, answered her with chords, watched her fingers to make sure they moved to the right places at the right time. Her first breath shook just a little but she let the words out anyway:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,

Take these broken wings and learn to fly,

All your life,

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

She didn’t trust her hands not to falter, not if she looked up, looked at her, but she stole a glance anyway, felt her fingers stumble across the notes as she took in the sight of her. Blackbird was smiling, wider than she’d ever seen. Dinah knew she wouldn’t be strong enough to keep going if she kept her eyes up, so she forced them down, let the verses ease in one after the other. The chorus came quickly and she let it, let her voice lead her instead of her mind, let it carry her through the melody. Singing had always come easily to her but now it felt effortless, as natural as breathing. 

She waited until the song ended, the last guitar notes fading into nothing more than an echo, before letting her eyes drift back up to Blackbird’s. She was wearing the same smile she’d spotted earlier, only this time it was accompanied by a blush in her cheeks and tears in her eyes. They sat in the silence for a moment, and Dinah wouldn’t have minded if it never stopped, if they’d been able to live in that moment forever.

“That was beautiful,” she eventually told her, voice barely over a whisper. 

Dinah felt heat underneath her own cheeks. “It sounds better when my Mom sings it,” she confessed, “but I had her teach it to me after we met. I’ve been practicing all summer.”

“I don’t care what your mom sounds like — no one could possibly sing that better than you.”

She laughed. “I guess I live up to my name, then.”

“Yeah, I guess you do.” She hesitated, before adding, “I don’t ever think I’ll live up to mine. To that song.”

“You already have,” Dinah told her. “You’re better and more beautiful than any piece of music.”

She blushed some more, her cheeks filling with bright red, and Dinah couldn’t help but laugh. “I wish we could be like the song and just fly away,” she sighed, and Dinah thought she looked hopeful this time. Like she could see it. Like part of her was beginning to believe it might actually come true. 

“One day, we will.” 

Blackbird just looked at her. Dinah couldn’t explain the way she felt, couldn’t find words or lyrics or melodies to match a look like that. All she could do was take it in.

“Can you sing to me again?” She asked. Dinah smiled, nodded, adjusted her fingers and let the notes fill the space around them, let them build until the rest of the word faded away. 

—

On Wednesday, it was Blackbird who walked into Paradise with her hands hidden behind her back. 

“I have a surprise this time,” she told her, and Dinah smiled, stood up and stared at the object she held out in her hands.

“You brought...a pocket knife?”

She nodded, completely unfazed. “It’s Sal’s. I found it in the car today. I was thinking we could use it to write our name on one of the trees. That way anyone who finds this place will always know that it’s ours.”

“You’re so smart,” she told her as she turned her head, looked around Paradise for the perfect spot. She gasped when she found it, staring back at her in plain sight. “We should write it on the swing!”

She ran toward it, but when she turned around, Blackbird hadn’t moved. “Your dad made that for you,” she said softly. “I can’t put my name on there.”

“It’s okay — I want you to.”

“But—but it’s special!”

“You’re special,” she told her, and Blackbird looked down, began fidgeting with the knife. Dinah walked over, reached out and held onto her hands until she felt them stop. 

“Why?” Her voice was so quiet, Dinah wasn’t sure she would have heard her if they hadn’t been standing inches apart. 

“You’re the only person I know who looks at me and doesn’t see someone broken. And I want to remember that.”

She looked up then, freezing her in place with nothing more than her eyes. “How could anyone ever see you as broken?”

“Doesn’t matter. Because you don’t. So would you please come over and help me carve our names onto this swing?”

She waited a minute, staring at Dinah as if she was giving her a chance to change her mind; Dinah knew she never would. Blackbird must have realized it, too, because she nodded, held onto her hand as they stepped over toward the swing. 

Dinah flipped it over. “The back isn’t polished, so it’ll be easier to put them here.”

“Is it okay if we use our nicknames?”

“Why wouldn’t it be? Who you are doesn’t change just because someone calls you something different. Here,” Dinah said, grabbing the knife out of Blackbird’s hand and flipping it open. “I’ll go first.”

“Be careful,” she said. “I’ve never actually used a knife like this before.”

“Don’t worry — I used to watch my dad do stuff like this all the time. We just have to be slow and careful, and never aim the knife toward our bodies.”

It was only when she started carving that Blackbird let go of her hand, moving to hold the swing steady instead. Dinah kept her eyes down as she worked, watched as each letter took shape. It wasn’t as clean as she’d have liked, but it would have to be good enough. 

“Okay,” she said, taking a step back and holding out the knife. “Your turn.”

Blackbird moved even slower than she did. She carved each letter with precision and grace that Dinah knew she’d never have. When she got to the letter c, she started and stopped, frowning at the wood in front of her. Dinah didn’t wait for her to ask for help, knew that if she did, she’d be waiting a lifetime; instead, she walked to the other side of the swing, placed her hand on Blackbird’s and helped her finish the letter, and then the next, and then every one after that. When it was done, Dinah waited, just an extra second, before stepping backwards, letting space grow between them again. 

“There,” she said. “It’s ours. Blackbird and Canary will forever have this spot marked.”

“What happens if someone moves the swing?”

“They won’t,” she replied instinctively, before deciding to add, “and if they do, we’ll just find it and bring it back. We won’t let anyone take Paradise away.”

“We can do that?”

“We can do anything.”

Blackbird smiled. “If the world thinks you’re broken, then I’m glad I get to be broken with you.”

“You’re not broken. Not even a little bit.”

“And neither are you. So maybe it’s everyone else that’s shattered. Not us.”

“Yeah,” Dinah smiled, and she knew she wasn’t pretending anymore when she agreed, “Not us.”

—

The weather on Thursday was perfect. Dinah remembered staring at the sky and thinking it looked fake, that it must have been a painting, because real skies couldn’t possibly be that blue. The sun was shining, and Paradise was theirs, and not even the threat of the end of summer could ruin her day. 

Blackbird was sitting in front of her. She looked the way she always did, with her two braids and that church dress and those stupid shoes she’d worn so many times. Staring at her, Dinah wondered whether she’d ever see the real Blackbird, not the one her parents controlled. What would that girl look like? Did she even know?

“Why are you staring at me?” Her voice knocked her out of her own thoughts. 

“No reason,” Dinah replied quickly, before impulsively asking, “Can I braid your hair?”

“It’s already braided.”

“No, I mean, can I take it out and do a different braid?”

“Why?”

Dinah shrugged. “You always wear it the same way. Plus, Mom’s been teaching me how to do all kinds of braids. I think I’m getting pretty good at it.”

“My mom braids my hair, too,” Blackbird said. “She’s the one who does it like this every morning. She’ll notice if it’s different.”

“I can rebraid it like that before you have to leave. I just wanna see what you look like with something different.” 

“Okay,” she said, and Dinah wasn’t sure why she seemed nervous all of a sudden, but she decided she didn’t want to push it. Not today, when they only had tomorrow left.

She watched as she reached for the hair ties, separating each strand until her hair hung loose across her shoulders. It felt longer this way, and part of her didn’t want to touch it, didn’t want to change it at all. She looked older, too, and more relaxed. She hadn’t realized hair could change a person so much. Maybe it was its own kind of magic.

“Why are you staring again?” Dinah could see the way her cheeks began turning red, and she smiled, reached out for it before she could help herself. 

“You look really pretty with your hair down,” she told her, running her fingers though it as she got up and kneeled behind her. “You should wear it like this more often.”

“Thanks,” she said, and Dinah couldn’t see her face but she knew she was blushing again. “How are you going to braid it?”

“I think I’m gonna start up here, kinda on the side,” she told her, “and then it’ll come all the way around to your other shoulder.”

They didn’t talk much as she worked. Dinah didn’t expect to be grateful for the silence, not on their second to last day, but there was something nice about the quiet. There always had been. With her other friends, she used to hate it when they had nothing to say, but Blackbird made it easy. Blackbird made everything easy. 

Dinah finally broke it when she asked for her hair tie. She tied it off, moved in front of her and brought the end of the braid with her, laying it down so it just barely rested on her shoulder. 

“How does it look?”

Dinah didn’t know how to explain that it made her look like a princess straight from the movies she watched and books she read, so she settled for, “I think it looks pretty good. I wish I had a mirror or something to show you.”

“That’s okay,” she said softly. “I trust you.”

They sat like that for another minute, face to face, the grass and dirt and air keeping the rest of the world locked away. She wished more than anything that they could stay right here forever. That nothing ever had to change. That time could stop, rewind and let her do this whole summer all over again. 

She watched Blackbird’s face, saw the smile slowly fade away. “You look sad. What’s wrong?”

“I’m going to miss you,” Dinah said softly.

“I’m not leaving yet. We still have tomorrow.”

“And after that?”

Blackbird looked down, and Dinah saw her fidget with the extra hair tie now wrapped around her wrist. “After that, we go back to real life.”

“I hate real life.”

“Yeah. Me, too.”

“How am I going to last until next summer?”

“Maybe,” she said, and she looked up with the tiniest smile. “Maybe we can write letters to each other. And we can hold onto them until next year, and then when we see each other again we can read them and catch up on everything we missed. And maybe that’ll make it feel like we’re still here. Like we still get to talk to one another.”

“It won’t be the same,” she snapped. She saw Blackbird’s face fall, and quickly added, “But it’s better than nothing. We should do it.”

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s a stupid idea.”

“No, it’s not stupid. I’m sorry. I just wish we could talk more.”

“So do I. You’re the only person I actually like talking to. Well, you and my brother, but he gets tired of talking really fast.”

“At least you have a brother. I won’t have anyone to talk to anymore.”

“You have your mom,” she said, “and you can—“ she froze, her eyes wide and her body completely still.

“Blackbird, wha—“ 

“Shh!” She lunged forward, threw her hand over Dinah’s mouth; a few seconds later she heard it. Footsteps, familiar ones, passing right by them and then disappearing. 

“Is that Sal? Already?” She whispered. 

“It has to be,” she said as she stood up. Dinah watched her reach for her braids and only finding one, the panic growing as she frantically undid the hair tie. 

“Here, let me help.” Dinah jumped up with her, undoing all of her work as fast as she could. “Why is he already looking for you? You just got here.”

“I don’t know. But I have to hurry. I don’t want him to find us.” Dinah stepped back, watched as Blackbird shook her unbraided hair out and ran her fingers through it. “I’ll catch him on his way back down.”

“Wait!” Dinah reached out, grabbed her arm before she could step through the leaves. “You’ll be back tomorrow, though, right?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“Promise?” She asked, and Blackbird opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, the footsteps passed them by again. Dinah watched as she brought a finger to her lips, before slipping through the leaves. 

Dinah knew she shouldn’t follow. Most days, Blackbird left before he came looking, but now they were right outside, and she couldn’t help herself. She crept forward, stuck her head out just enough to see them without being spotted. They’d only made it a few steps past Paradise, but Blackbird had found her way in front of him, so Dinah could only see his back. 

“Boss says I’ve got to get you back home, kid.” Dinah thought his voice sounded funny, but maybe it was just the accent. She’d heard lots of people in the neighborhood whose first language wasn’t English, and he reminded her of them.

“Can we come back tomorrow?” 

“Sure, Helena. Whatever you want.”

She heard the leaves underneath them as they walked away, and she stuck her head out further, tried to watch them for as long as she could. Blackbird must have been thinking the same thing because she looked behind her, caught her eye and smiled. She stuck her pinkie out, and Dinah did the same, before she turned forward and walked out of the woods.

It wasn’t until they were gone that Dinah realized what had happened. What she’d heard. What she now knew.

—

Helena. She spent all Friday morning practicing the sound of her name. She liked how it felt, found herself whispering it while she waited in Paradise, the word getting stuck in her head like the lyrics to her favorite songs. Helena, Helena, Helena. 

Dinah thought about what would happen when she told her she knew. Blackbird—Helena would definitely freak out, but she’d begun figuring out the secrets to calming her down. And maybe, once she had time to think about it, she’d realize that it was okay for Dinah to know the rest. And once she knew everything, well...waiting all summer seemed pointless. If they were going to be writing each other letters, they might as well send them.

She rehearsed every word, imagined every possible scenario and prepared for it, but Blackbird never came. The hours slipped away slowly, painfully. As Dinah walked home, the setting sun her cue to leave, she began to worry. Sal had said they could come back. She’d pinkie promised. And Dinah knew people lied, knew they said one thing and meant another, knew they were cruel and broke promises all the time, but not Blackbird. Not them.

—

She spent most of the next few days trying to convince herself that Helena was okay. Her imagination loved to run wild, and the few stories she’d told about her family only gave them more fuel. Maybe her parents decided she needed to go last minute back-to-school shopping, or maybe they decided she needed to be locked up forever, like a Princess stuck in a tower. Maybe they went to visit her aunts and uncles, or maybe they’d shipped her off across the country, or maybe they’d sent her over the ocean on a boat so far no one would ever find her again. Dinah came up with hundreds of potential explanations, each one burying the thought that maybe she hadn’t come on purpose. Maybe she’d finally figured out what everyone at school already knew: Dinah Lance was not someone you wanted to be friends with.

As she walked on the bus Monday morning, she tried to keep her head down. Most people didn’t look at her much anyway, not after last year, which made ignoring them a lot easier. The only exceptions were the boys from the street over, who always sat near her and never shut up about anything. 

This morning was no different. As she sat down, she heard them bickering, risked a glance up and saw them crowding over a page from a newspaper. Curiosity trapped her, left her looking for too long, and before she could stop it, she caught another pair of eyes.

“You see the news, Dinah?” 

“What news?”

He tried to hold the paper out to her, but another arm pulled him back. “Dude, are you crazy? She can’t see this.”

Her pride betrayed her, made her narrow her eyes and ask, “And why can’t I?”

She watched the way he began to squirm. Like he hadn’t expected her to fight back. “It’s just— I don’t want it to upset you.”

“Why would it upset me?”

“You know the Bertinelli’s?”

Dinah raised an eyebrow at him. “Who?”

“The Bertinelli’s. One of the biggest crime families in Gotham. Don’t you pay attention?”

His friend smacked him on the arm, which almost made her laugh. “I guess not.”

“Well, someone went after them last weekend.”

Dinah waited for him to say more. “And this would upset me because…?”

He looked away, and suddenly she wondered if she should be nervous, if she should have kept her mouth shut and left it well enough alone. “Whoever it was, they took the whole family out. Burned the mansion down, too. But they, um. They also sent out photos to the press. Of the bodies. And I know that your dad—“

“Shut up and let me see that,” she said, grabbing the paper out of his hand before he could pity her any longer. She knew what everyone thought, but blood and gore didn’t scare her. It wasn’t anything new. She looked down, stared at the people lying in black and white on the floor, prepared herself to prove him wrong when—

Those shoes. She knew those shoes. They were too fancy for the beach, always worn with long white socks and polished no matter what happened to them, except now they were covered in spots, the same spots that everybody was lying in. Blood, her mind whispered, that’s blood, but she hardly heard it, because next to her was a boy, small and sinking in a puddle of grey, and she didn’t know him, not really, but she knew he was funny and sweet and that Blackbird had promised to give everything up to protect him. 

She didn’t want to see it anymore, but her eyes wouldn’t let them go. Her body was covered, a woman lying practically on top of her, but creeping underneath she could see Blackbird’s hair was still down. She never wore her hair down. Dinah had promised she’d rebraid it but they’d run out of time, and now she was laying there with long hair and bloody socks and—

“Why.” 

“Why what?”

“Why did they do it?”

“I’m not sure.” She heard his voice soften, and part of her hated the pity that crept in but most of her couldn’t find the room to care about what they thought of her. Not anymore. “Money, probably. Everyone’s always killing people for money.”

She heard the other kids stand up, heard them walk toward the front of the bus. She tried to follow but she couldn’t move, not when she couldn’t stop staring at her. She saw his hand reach for the paper, let him pull it away. 

“I’m really sorry we showed you. It’s probably hard, with your dad and all, to see other people...well. You know.”

She forced herself to look up, to look away, to nod and blame her dead father and keep the most important promise she’d ever made, even when she wasn’t sure it mattered anymore. Blackbird—Helena, Helena Bertinelli had warned her that it would be dangerous if anyone knew they were friends. And Dinah had questioned her, had mocked her, but she’d been right all along. So nobody would know. Ever.

She didn’t remember anything about school that day. She stared at the board but all she saw was lines of shoes, all speckled and soaking and too still, even for a picture. She kept her mouth shut even when it hurt, even when all she wanted to do was cry and scream and yell at the sky. The boys on the bus home left her alone, and if she’d had room for any sort of feeling she’d be grateful, but feelings threatened to break the carefully built wall she’d constructed in the time it took her to get to her classroom that morning, so she gave them nothing. 

When she got off the bus, she walked past her house, past the water and the sand, through the trees, until she found the stub that meant she was almost there. Part of her wished she’d walk through the leaves and find her waiting, on the swing or sitting on the ground, but Paradise was empty. It was gone. And it was never coming back.

The dam broke. Dinah felt it snap, heard the echo from deep inside her, let it come out with no restraint. She opened her mouth and screamed, until the trees shook, until her vision went blurry, until she didn’t feel like a person at all. She swore she could see it, the power, the sound itself, but she didn’t care. It hadn’t been enough. Whatever it was that lived inside her, she knew it couldn’t be magic, because magic wasn’t supposed to be cruel. Magic wasn’t supposed to leave you when you needed it most. Magic was supposed to be strong enough to save her. 

When she woke up, her head was in her Mom’s lap. She could see the swing in front of her, the ropes frayed and barely hanging on, and she knew it was her fault. She’d destroyed Paradise. And nothing her Mom said could ever make it better.

—

Her training started pretty soon after that. Her heart wasn’t in it, but Mom was so worried, told her she had to know how to control it, so she went through the motions, learned about breath control and aim and how to turn it on and off. Using the cry left a bitter taste in her mouth, but every minute she spent focusing on training was a moment she didn’t have to think about mansions filled with smoke and bodies drowning in blood. And Mom looked so happy whenever she hit a milestone. One of them deserved that, she decided.

School never got better, but if Dinah was being honest, she knew she was the one who stopped trying. Her own worst enemy, as always. Mom worried, had asked about friends more than a few times, but her grades were always good, and eventually she learned to lie well enough to keep her questions at bay. Eventually, the lies began to feel a little like the truth. 

—

She thought about her more than she meant to. It was always in the little moments. The mini victories, the accomplishments she had no one to share with. As she got older, she tried to imagine what they’d be doing if things had gone different that day. What would Helena think about the girls at school, who glared and laughed at her behind her back and wore more makeup than twelve-year-olds ever needed? What would she think when Dinah showed her how much better she’d gotten on guitar? Would she have figured out her favorite color by now?

She tried to write a letter, once. The way they’d planned. Every word felt fake, pointless when she’d never get a chance to read them. She tried to finish, because she’d made a promise, and she didn’t break her promises, but Helena had. Every time she closed her eyes, Dinah saw her turning around, smiling, pinkie held out toward her. Maybe if she’d run after her, if she’d made it official, Helena would have kept it. She would have come back.

Dinah crumpled up the paper, threw it away, and didn’t try again. 

—

Years went by. Life got busier. Dinah joined the choir, found people to talk to at lunch and in between classes, but she knew better than to let it go any further. Acquaintances were safe. They didn’t ask questions or have any expectations. They wouldn’t hurt to lose.

Mom went to work, came back later and later, always seemed frustrated at the world. When Dinah was fifteen, she introduced her to friends who wore outfits like the ones she’d imagined as a kid and had all sorts of powers and abilities that shouldn’t be possible. She told her that she was fighting with them, that she needed to do more. They’d talked about it when she was little, talked about doing it together one day, but Mom couldn’t wait any longer, couldn’t sit by while people suffered. Not when she had the power to change it. But no matter how much she wanted to go, she still asked for permission. For her permission. She wouldn’t do it, if Dinah didn’t want her to.

Dinah let her go. She watched as she went out, night after night. Mom told her that once she turned eighteen she could come out with them, and Dinah wondered what she’d do when the day came. Once upon a time, it had been all she’d ever wanted, but that dream had died a long time ago. And yet, every night, every victory she watched them celebrate, gave it a little more life, made her think about colors and outfits and cartoons and doing good. She liked the idea of doing good.

—

Twelve days before she turned eighteen, Mom went out by herself. Dinah begged her not to. She wasn’t strong enough, not alone. She told her the police wouldn’t come, wouldn’t help her if she was the only one. She told her that life was unfair and people would always be hurt and she couldn’t save everyone, and risking her life when it wouldn’t help anything was reckless and dangerous and stupid.

Mom wouldn’t listen. She suited up, tried and failed to hide the pain in each movement. Dinah could see the leftover bruises and scars from the never ending battles that came before, decorating her body like a scrapbook dedicated to pain and suffering. Each one served as a reminder of what was waiting for her on the other side of that door. Each one could have been the end.

She tried to stop her; Mom ignored her. She begged to go with her; Mom refused. She threatened to go anyway; Mom gave her a look she’d never seen before, made her promise she wouldn’t follow. She swore she wouldn’t, even when the words felt like a betrayal. 

Dinah watched her leave. Ninety minutes passed before she decided she didn’t want to be the person who kept her promises anymore. She ran, faster than she ever had before, ran until she heard sirens, blue and red lights illuminating a scene darker than all of her nightmares combined. 

The first thing she saw was the puddle. With each flash it changed shades, but she’d never needed color to recognize blood. The black of her uniform wasn’t dark enough to hide it, and she was still, too still, and nobody was doing anything. They walked around her, ignored her, left her out in the open for anyone to see. Dinah wanted to run to her, wanted to grab her and take her away, but the news vans began driving up, and even then, some promises were too strong to break. 

She didn’t know where she was going when she turned and ran, but she wasn’t surprised when she walked through the leaves and into what used to be Paradise. The swing wasn’t hanging anymore but it was still there, lying on the ground, dirty and hidden and forgotten. She hadn’t come back, not since the day she’d found out, when she’d woken up in her mother’s arms and cried until she couldn’t breathe. She’d held her, carried her home, and Dinah knew she’d believed the same thing the boys on the bus had, but she let her, sat on her lap and pretended her grief was old and resurfacing and nothing more.

Her knees hit the ground, the first thing she remembered feeling since she ran out the door. She wanted nothing more than to scream, but Dinah knew her own strength now, knew the damage she’d cause, so she bit her tongue until it bled and suffocated any noise that threatened to escape. She stayed there until the sun began to rise, until she knew for sure that no one was coming to get her. 

—

By the time she met Cass, she’d grown used to the silence. She’d spent years drowning the memories in anything that would bury them, from whiskey to cigarettes to men and women who didn’t mind being used. In her low moments, when the thoughts snuck in, a voice questioning what they would think of her if they saw her now, she reminded herself that bad things happened all the time. Trying to prevent them was nothing more than wasted effort. She should have learned that lesson years ago, or at the very least last week, when she went back for Quinn only to get left with an ungrateful drunk clown and more attention from Sionis than she’d ever wanted.

There was something about the kid, though, that she couldn’t ignore. Maybe it was the way she reminded her of herself at that age, a little angry and a little stuck, or maybe it was her Mom’s lingering hold on her, but when she watched her get driven away, diamond in tow, she knew she couldn’t leave it alone. Bad things happened to innocent people, but Cass didn’t deserve to suffer under the hand of Roman Sionis. Fuck self-preservation — she’d put up with whatever trouble came her way to make sure Cass didn’t become another name on a list that was already too long for Dinah’s liking.

Which was how she found herself in this god-forsaken circus, with Montoya and Harley fucking Quinn and some wanna-be vigilante with a crossbow. It was exactly the kind of situation she’d spent years trying to avoid, but Cass was waving a gun around, and she knew how they’d found her, knew who’d sold her out. When she grabbed it from her, when she aimed it toward Quinn, she wasn’t thinking about anything other than keeping her safe. She kept one eye on Harley and the other on Cass, half listening to whatever nonsense the others were rambling about, and that was enough until—

“Helena Bertinelli.”

She’d never been shot, but Dinah imagined it felt something like this. Sharp pain in her chest, sucking the air and life out of her, the world suddenly moving in slow motion while her heart raced faster than it should ever be able to. She turned, looked at the now unhooded assassin and saw both a stranger and a memory. The look in her eyes was unrecognizable, foreign in every sense of the word, but the rest of her face — she’d spent enough years dreaming about that face to know it, even after all this time. 

Dinah heard her detailing the men who’d killed her family, the men she’d hunted to return the favor. She couldn’t stop staring, looking in her eyes, searching for the girl she’d known. She watched the way they shifted when she declared she was done, resolve turning into panic, and the emotions may have been new but nobody else had ever told so much with just their eyes. It was that, more than the name, more than the explanation, that made her believe it. Blackbird, standing in front of her. Alive. Real. 

Cass’s voice took all of their attention away before Dinah could figure out what to do, what to say. They moved toward the window, saw the army waiting for them. Dinah wondered who she’d pissed off to curse her with a fate as cruel as this one, to give her the gift of a lifetime only to promise certain death before she could ask if she remembered the little girl with the swing and the guitar. 

Harley reminded them they didn’t have time for wallowing. She gave a speech Dinah knew they all needed to hear, Cass most of all, and then they were digging through a weapons chest, arming themselves with whatever they could find, wondering if it could possibly be enough.

For a moment everything was calm. Dinah looked over, saw Helena smearing black shit over her eyes. She wondered if this was it, the only chance they’d get, and her feet were moving before her mind had figured out what to say. Helena hardly paid her any attention, which might have made it easier, had her brain not chosen that moment to let genuine, irrelevant curiosity take over. “Hey, what’s up with this bow-and-arrow shtick?” 

“It’s not a fucking bow-and-arrow, it’s a crossbow, I’m not twelve.” 

The laugh came out before she could stop it. She’d only seen anger on her face once before, and to get it now, over something as simple as a name, was the cherry on top of the absolutely ridiculous scenario that life had thrown her into. The girl who’d refused to tell her who she was, who spent all summer using codenames chosen at random, now couldn’t stand her weapon being referred to as something she considered childlike. The girl who’d run away the first time Dinah raised her voice, who’d been shy and meek and scared, now snapped at a stranger as they prepared to storm into battle armed with baseball bats and roller skates. Nothing about this was funny, but its insanity was utterly and completely comical. So she laughed, until she looked up and caught her eyes for the first time.

It’s me, she wanted to say. I waited for you. I mourned you. I sang for you. Do you see me? She wanted to tell her, wanted to ask straight out. Time and cigarettes had left her voice sounding nothing like the one she would have known, and everything about herself felt different, but she wanted to ask anyway. More than that, she wanted her to say yes. She wanted her to remember. No matter what else came with it. 

At the last second, she bit her tongue. They were about to walk into what would probably be the fight of their lives, one that she honestly doubted they’d walk out of. The last thing she wanted was to become a distraction. To be the reason she lost her a second time. So she said nothing, waited until Harley came up to them and asked if they were ready, prepared herself to leave it at that. But as they walked by one another, the thought running through her mind slipped out without her permission. “You can yell all you want,” she whispered, her words an echo of a conversation she’d almost forgotten, “I’m not a coward. Nothing about you could ever scare me.”

Two seconds later, men crashed through the ceiling, and nothing else mattered but survival. She went down the slide, because of course there was a fucking slide. Helena took just long enough for worry to creep in, but before Dinah could climb right back up, they heard her yelling; an instant later, she slid down, kneeling on top of the man she was burying her knife into

She knew it should have disturbed her. If she was normal, it probably would have freaked her out, sent her running in the opposite direction, but all she could think about was how far they’d come from the kids who delicately wielded a pocket knife to carve letters into a piece of wood. Dinah watched her and felt impressed, proud at the girl who’d learned to stand up for herself. And the tiniest part of her felt grateful that maybe they were both broken in the same ways, the cartoon morals they’d once held onto similarly crafted and shaped into whatever it was they were acting on now. And damn if taking down a man in a carnival slide wasn’t cool. 

—

It should have been over when they walked out of the tunnel. 

The fight itself had been mostly a blur, panic and instinct taking over and not letting go until the last man went down. She didn’t know what she’d done, what the others had done, but she knew that they were all standing at the end of it. She wasn’t sure anything else mattered.

Dinah remembered staring at Helena as they made their way out of the building. There was so much she hadn’t noticed earlier. Like the purple in her top, deep and dark and almost blending in with the black around it. And how she still stood taller than her, all these years later. And the braid in her hair, small and only on one side. The tunnel was dim, the early morning sky still dark, and all she wanted to do was see Helena in the daylight. She wanted to know every part of her, exactly the way it was. 

The gunshots shattered her daydream. She watched Montoya go down, pulled her back as far as she could. She wanted to stay but Helena was alone up there, so she ran, grabbed the discarded gun on the floor and shot blindly into the ambush they’d walked right into. She watched Cass get dragged away, and the familiarity of it all threatened to leave her frozen in place. Another person, gone. Another loss she’d have to shelve among the rest. Someone else she was too helpless to save. 

Except there was Blackbird. Standing by her side, shooting into the crowd. Fighting for a kid she didn’t even know. Fighting for herself. Alive, after all this time. 

If it had been quieter, she may have heard the voice in her head yelling at her for letting her guard down. If it had been quieter, she may have recognized it. But noise this loud could only be silenced if it was overwhelmed, and she had been powerless for long enough. She’d made a promise, once, to use her powers to protect the people she loved. To protect Blackbird. And Dinah Lance didn’t break her promises.

She was already going through the motions when she heard it, words that could have come from any of them. “Canary, you know what you have to do.” Two quick breaths in. A third, deeper, slower, reaching down into her gut, until she could feel the power pulsing inside her, anxious for release after years of lying in wait. She let it build, remembered throwing out a last minute warning before running forward, out into the line of fire.

Intentionality. It had been her first lesson, the thing Mom said she’d always need if she wanted to use her powers. You have to mean it, she’d told her. You have to have something substantial behind it. A reason for using your power. It’s not a party trick — you have to feel something. She wasn’t sure she’d truly understood it until now. When Dinah opened her mouth, when she dug deep, it wasn’t just her power she found; it was pain. Years of it, piled on top of one another, buried underneath walls so thick she wasn’t sure she’d be strong enough to break them. She could feel the way her power intertwined with them, could feel it suffocating underneath the weight of everything she’d tried to ignore, all the suffering and guilt she’d tried to hide. It would hurt, letting it out. It would leave broken pieces behind that might never get put back together, but when she stood in front of Roman’s army, when she thought about Cass and Helena and Montoya and even Harley, she knew somehow that if she shattered, if she screamed until there was nothing left, someone would come to pick up the pieces. They wouldn’t let her break completely. They wouldn’t leave her alone. And she’d always known that any amount of pain would be worth saving the people she loved.

She took one last breath, and let it all out.

—

Dinah woke up to Montoya standing over her. She could see her mouth moving, but whatever she said wasn’t louder than the ringing in her ears. Or the pounding in her head. She’d seen Mom go through this all the time, but Dinah was out of practice. The last time she’d truly used her powers like this had been years ago, when Helena—

Helena. She tried to look around, but the entire world still felt like it was vibrating. Dinah squeezed her eyes shut, willed the feeling to pass. They didn’t have time for this. Helena needed her. Cass needed her. 

When she opened her eyes again, Montoya was still talking, eyes frantic and hair slightly disheveled but overall alright. “—your car,” Dinah finally heard her say. “Canary, where’s your car?”

Dinah reached up and pointed in the general direction she’d parked, not trusting her voice just yet. Montoya nodded, reached down and helped her up. “Bertinelli already went after Quinn,” she said, “but they’ll need help. We gotta go.”

As they stumbled over to her surprisingly unscathed car, as her head cleared and her vision steadied, Dinah thought about what Montoya had said. Helena’s last name, thrown out so casually. Like it didn’t mean anything. Like it wasn’t the secret she’d kept for years. Like it hadn’t been the reason for one of the worst days of her life. She said it like it was just a word, nothing more, and Dinah wondered if maybe she was right. If they’d given it more power than it had ever deserved. If everyone had.

“I’m driving,” Montoya told her, and Dinah bit back a protest, tossed her the keys and hopped in the passenger's seat. They found Helena along the way, a little battered and bruised but still standing, followed her on her bike all the way to the pier. As they ran toward the sounds of gunfire, past statues that stood in the shadows and floorboards that snapped underneath their feet, all she could think about was Cass. The universe couldn’t take from her when it had just given back. Not when she’d fought for it this time. Not when she’d finally done everything right.

Finding her and Harley, standing together, staring into the water that was too red even for Gotham’s standards, Dinah wondered if this was destiny. If everything before this had been lessons disguised as punishment, showing her what she had to do. Teaching her how to fight for what she wanted, for who she loved. Teaching her how to survive. And if maybe, now that it was over, she would finally get a chance to do something more. To live. She had no idea what that looked like, but for the first time in her life, she was excited to find out.

—

They didn’t talk in the restaurant. Not at first. Dinah couldn’t stop looking at her, as if she might disappear if she let her out of her sight, as if all of this might have only been some figment of her imagination. It felt fragile, somehow. Like one wrong move, one wrong word, could bring the whole fantasy crumbling around her. So she kept her thoughts to herself, tried not to think too hard about the fact that Helena seemed to let her eyes roam anywhere else, so long as they never landed on her own. 

The worry didn’t creep in until Harley stole her car. Helena laughed, the way she used to before, and suddenly she was nine years old again, sitting in the dirt by the beach, hidden behind the leaves and trees. That sound echoed throughout her happiest memories. She’d spent years calling on it, closing her eyes and going back when life became too much to handle. But what if she was the only one? What if her memory failed her, told her a story glossed over with time, one that looked much better than the truth? What if everything she thought she knew was wrong? Helena might not remember her at all. Or worse, she might not care. Dinah might be nothing more than a blip, a spot on a timeline that meant nothing in comparison to what came after it.

When Montoya stood up, when she handed Helena a business card and told them both to call her tomorrow, her heart started racing. It was just the two of them, the way it had always been, but they weren’t in Paradise anymore, and Dinah couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that this was the moment where everything changed. She’d spent years imagining something exactly like this, crazy and impossible scenarios where the people she loved came back to her, but imagining always let her control what happened. Now it was real life, and nothing was scarier than the fact that she had no idea what might come next. 

“So,” Dinah assumed she’d be the one to break the silence, but she wasn’t brave enough to come right out and ask. “I guess—“

“They called you Canary,” Helena said, her eyes in her lap and her hands fiddling with that toy car Cass had given her. “And your voice is magic.”

A million feelings hit her all at once. Relief, ecstasy, shock, awe. Fear, with its lingering grip, still refusing to let go. Comfort, fighting for a place at the table, made stronger when Dinah thought about what she’d said. Canary. It had always sounded right when it came from her. Like it was her own title, her own name, not one passed down by someone she’d never be able to live up to. It reminded her of how she’d felt that summer — like someone could finally see her, just her, just Dinah, and still like what they saw.

She nodded, before realizing Helena wasn’t looking at her. “That’s true.”

“I knew a girl who had magic,” Helena whispered. “I called her Canary, too.”

The very words she’d feared came so quickly she felt embarrassed at her own doubt. She should have known — everything had always been easier with her. “And I knew a girl who hated chess and didn’t know her favorite color. But I never called her Huntress.”

Helena looked up, the same awe and genuity in her eyes that Dinah found so incredibly familiar. “You know who I am?”

“There’s not enough makeup in the world that could hide you from me,” she said, and she felt herself smiling, tried to think of a time when she felt this happy and came up blank. “Hi, Blackbird.”

Had she not spent all morning staring at her eyes, desperately trying to catch her gaze, she may have missed it; instead, she saw the way tears threatened to make an appearance at the sound of her old nickname, just for a moment, before she blinked them back. Her face was a mosaic, and Dinah knew she could look at her for hours, searching for each individual emotion, memorizing every inch of what she thought she would never see again. 

Helena stared at her, mouth open, and Dinah could see the wheels turning, searching for the right thing to say, before she sighed and settled for, “Hi, Canary.”

“It’s been a while, huh?” 

“Yeah.” Helena shook her head. “I don’t understand. I never told you my name.”

“I heard your driver call you Helena on that last day. When you didn’t show, when I saw what happened in the news, it wasn’t too hard to put two and two together.” 

“They mentioned me in the news?”

Dinah thought about the bus ride, the black and white photo and the bloody socks. The boy in the puddle, the one who didn’t crawl out of an execution. The boy Helena had vowed to protect. “I saw a family photo,” she said, omitting details to still hold onto the truth. “Recognized you.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what that must have been like.”

Helena didn’t say anything at first. Part of her wondered if she’d pushed too far, ruined everything already, and Dinah was seconds from handing out another apology when Helena finally spoke. “Do you remember the time I asked you about your dad? And what it was like to lose people?”

“Yeah.” The conversation came back in flashes. “You said you wanted to know what it was like. That you didn’t think you’d be good at it.”

She shrugged. “I was right.”

“Well, you can join the club, then.” The confused look on her face was so familiar, Dinah almost didn’t want to elaborate. “You think I handled losing you well? I almost destroyed Paradise. And after Mom?” She motioned around her. “I won’t bore you with the details, but this was probably the first good thing I’ve done since then.”

“You lost your Mom?” She sounded so sad, as if she’d known her. Dinah supposed in a way, maybe she had.

“Yeah. Years ago. She was doing this. The hero bullshit. The same kind of thing we talked about doing one day. Do you remember?”

“I remember everything.”

She didn’t know how to respond, how to tell her that their summer together had been the happiest time of her life, sandwiched in between the worst. That memories of them in Paradise, doing nothing but spending time together, had taunted her when she slept, reminding her of a time she could never go back to. That seeing her here, now, in the flesh, was everything she’d ever wanted, a dream somehow turned into reality. Remembering was an understatement. 

“Yeah,” she finally told her. “So do I.”

“I’m sorry,” Helena said. “For leaving. For not coming back.”

“Not like you had a choice.”

“But I promised.”

She blinked away the image of Helena looking back at her, pinkie held out, smile on her face. Minutes from a massacre. “Yeah. And I promised I’d keep you safe. So I guess we both dropped the ball.”

“You couldn’t have protected me. No one could.”

“I could have tried.”

Helena just looked at her. “We were kids. You were hardly tall enough to get on that swing. You really think you could have stood up to some of the most ruthless people in Gotham?”

Dinah shrugged. “You never know. Looks can be very deceiving. What I lacked in height, I made up for in confidence and pent-up aggression back then.” She thought she was joking, but the more she spoke, the more it felt like a confession. “If I had just learned how to use my powers a little faster, maybe I could have taken them. I could have saved you.”

“Or you could have died.” 

Dinah just shrugged. “Guess we’ll never know.”

They sat there for a minute, the silence comfortable and familiar, the way it used to be, until Helena said, “It really was impressive. Your voice. I always wondered what it would be like.”

“Oh, sure,” Dinah said with a smile. “It was real impressive the way I passed out in front of everyone. So graceful. So strong.”

“I thought it was beautiful,” Helena told her, and she was so serious, so genuine, that for a moment Dinah began to believe her. It was fascinating how quickly one sentence could challenge years of self-deprecation, of guilt and frustration and anger. Could make her question her own self-image. Could make her feel beautiful, if only for now.

“Yeah, well, you always saw me as better than I am. I guess some things never change.”

“Some things do.” She felt the shift, could hear it in her voice. Dinah didn’t want to think about the in-between, the time they spent apart. The tragedy of their own lives. It was easier to ignore it, to joke and deflect and laugh it all into oblivion.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “You definitely know how to use a knife now.”

She smiled, just barely, and Dinah took it as a win.

“You know what I mean,” she said. “We aren’t kids anymore. Everything is different.”

“Not everything,” Dinah said instinctively. “Not us.”

She knew immediately it was the wrong thing to say. Helena winced, as if the words were a slap across the face, as if she could feel them. As if they hurt her. As if Dinah hurt her. Her grip on that car tightened, and her eyes drifted away, looking for anything else. Anything but her. 

“I shouldn’t — I’ve gotta-“ she turned, stood up and walked out of the restaurant. Dinah swore to herself, threw some money on the table and ran after her. 

“Hey! Wait!” She kept going, kept her head down, but Dinah had let her walk away once before. She wasn’t letting it happen again. 

She caught her right as they turned into the alley where Helena’s bike was parked, hidden in the shadows of the buildings next to them. Dinah jogged an extra step, put her hand on her shoulder. “Blackbird, please—“

“I’m not her anymore.” She snapped, turned so quickly that for an instant they were face to face, inches of air keeping them from touching. They stood like that, neither of them moving, until Helena blinked, swallowed and stepped backward. “The girl you knew,” she added. “Blackbird. She died that day. She’s gone. I can’t get her back.”

Dinah knew she’d never find the right words, but she searched for them anyway. She wanted to lie, to tell her that everything would be okay. That they’d reached the easy part now, that all the suffering was over, that she was wrong and they could close their eyes and be the kids they used to be. But she’d promised to never lie to her. And Dinah Lance didn’t break her promises. 

“That makes two of us,” she settled for, before sticking her hand out into the new space between them. 

Helena just stared at it. “What are you doing?”

“Making an introduction. My name is Dinah Lance. Some people call me Canary. My voice is magic, my mother was a superhero, and my best friend in the world died when I was nine. If I’m being honest, I’m pretty sure I died with her.”

Helena didn’t move. She didn’t speak. But when she looked up, when their eyes met, Dinah didn’t see the hardened assassin or the little girl from the beach. She saw someone entirely different. Someone she desperately wanted to know.

Slowly, Helena took her hand. “My name is Helena,” she said. “Helena Bertinelli. Some people call me Huntress. My best friend used to call me Blackbird.” She hesitated, before adding, “And my favorite color is purple.”

Dinah smiled, watched as Helena’s face began to mirror her own. “Purple’s a good choice. It’s nice to meet you, Helena.” Saying her name, the one she’d practiced, the one she’d held onto for years in secret, came with the same level of anticipation as it had before. Like anything was possible now that she had it. 

Helena didn’t pull away, so neither did Dinah. They stood there, hand in hand. She could feel the callouses, the scars and rough edges that decorated her palm. It was a map, a timeline of everything she’d done, everywhere she’d been, and Dinah wanted nothing more than to know all of her stories. 

“I don’t know what happens next,” Helena said softly. 

“I think that’s up to us.”

“We could take up Renee’s offer. Wear the outfits, be the heroes.”

Dinah let go, only to hold her pinkie up in front of her. “I’m in if you are. We’re a team, remember?”

Helena smiled, reached for her, and suddenly there they were, miles from Paradise and years from childhood, pinkies wrapped around one another. “It might be fun. Doing something good. Helping other people.”

“I was thinking the exact same thing.”

“Plus, I don’t—um,” she dropped her pinkie, only to fiddle with the hair tie around her wrist. “I don’t really have anything else to do anymore. I’ve crossed every name off my list.”

Dinah had a million questions she wanted to ask about that, but it was early, and she was tired, and it dawned on her that they didn’t have to do everything today. She finally had the one thing she’d wanted more than anything else — time. 

“Yeah,” she said instead, “I’m pretty sure I’m out of a job now, so I’ve got some free time.” Helena looked confused, so she added, “I sang at Sionis’s club. But I don’t really see them staying in business much longer.”

“You were a singer?” Dinah didn’t know how she managed to sound both happy and sad when she asked, like she couldn’t decide how she felt about it. Like her own feelings were a contradiction. 

“Yeah. Most people didn’t really listen, though.”

Helena scoffed. “Then they’re stupid, or tasteless. Nobody sings like you do.”

She felt her entire body go warm, the same way she had all those years ago, when she’d brought the guitar into Paradise. “Yeah, well, I didn’t really care what they thought, anyway.”

“You didn’t?”

Dinah shook her head. “They weren’t you.”

“Oh.” She watched Helena look down, at her hands, at the ground, at anything else, but she couldn’t hide the smile, or the red on her cheeks. Watching her, all Dinah wanted to do was dig through her stuff, tune up her old guitar, and sing again. Not on a stage, not for a crowd, and not even for a paycheck. Just for her.

Helena looked back at her bike. “I’m not ready to leave yet.”

“Then don’t. Walk with me. It’s beautiful out.”

Dinah held out her hand. Helena stared at it for just a moment, before she took it, followed her out of the shade and back into the sunlight. Dinah finally got a chance to see her, to take everything in without any distractions. She saw her eyes, exactly as she remembered, dark and deep enough to drown in. She noticed the way her skin was littered with scars, new and old, small and dangerously large. But mostly, she noticed how even with her make-up almost entirely rubbed off and blood still decorating her body, Helena was still the most beautiful person she’d ever seen.

“Can I ask you something?” Helena said as they walked down the street. 

“Anything.”

“Is it still standing? Paradise?”

“Honestly? I’m not sure. I haven’t been back in years. But I have the swing. It fell off the ropes a while back, but the base is still good.”

Helena shrugged. “Maybe we can rebuild it.”

“Maybe,” she said, “but the best part of Paradise was never the swing, or the beach. It was being with you.”

Helena stopped walking. “Then I guess we're already there.”

“Yeah,” Dinah said, looking up at the girl next to her. The one who left. The one who came back. “I guess we are.”

#pls pls validate me im such a sucker for that #also im gonna try and write more or go back to my abandoned WIPs but idk if u have prompt requests im always open to those #also the amount of italics i put in this...i need to be stopped #birds of prey #dinah x helena #crossbow canary #dinah lance #helena bertinelli #bop fanfic #fanfic #ao3 #TFLAO3 #folklore au finally exists

[scintfms]

           hi  kids  !  wow  ,  we’re  already  at  opening  and  that’s  so  crazy  !  i’m  kofi  ,  your  co - admin  ,  and  i’m  so  excited  that  you  guys  are  here  !  i’m  23  ,  from  the  est  tz  ,  prefer  she / they  pronouns  and  i  graduate  from  college  in  a  little  more  than  seven  months  ...  yikes  .  that  being  said  ,  i’m  ready  to  introduce  you  guys  to  my  latest  muse  ,  who  may  have  huge  development  changes  as  we  go  on  because  of  him  being  brand  new  ,  mr  .  saint  moon  !  he’s  um  ...  something  of  a  mess  and  idk  if  i  love  or  hate  him  yet  ,  but  i’m  happy  to  plot  with  ya’ll  on  my  d.iscord  @  𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐜𝐲.#4090  !

            (  lee  juyeon ,  22  ,  cis  male  ,  he / him  )  *  fun  fact  about  me  ?  okay  ,  let’s  see  .  .  .   an  injury  stopped  my  promising  olympic  career  .  crazy  ,  right  ?  i’m  saint  moon  ,  i  live  in  the  contemporary  new  build  with  a  three  thousand  square  foot  outdoor  patio  on  ocean  lane  in  key  biscayne  , &  not  to  brag  ,  but  my  family’s  worth  around  $740  million  .  pretty  decent  for  real  estate  and  construction  developers  ,  huh  ?  we’ve  been  around  for  some  time  ,  but  in  town  ,  everyone’s  always  associated  me  with  the  gatsbys  ;  but  it’s  not  like  that’s  my  whole  identity  ,  or  anything  .  while  filming  for  key  biscayne  ,  it  was  surprising  when  i’d  get  dragged  on  twitter  for  being  “  errant  ,  impetuous  ,  &  rancorous  ,   ”  but  the  cameras  don’t  see  everything  ,  &  my  real  fans  know  that  i’m  nothing  but  coolheaded  ,  venturesome  ,  &  enamoring  .  i’m  not  too  bothered  by  it  though  ,  because  since  the  series  ended  ,  i’ve  opened  a  highly  successful  café  in  south  korea  and  planning  to  expand  to  the  states  .  follow  me  on  instagram  @SNT.MN  to  keep  up  . 

name  :  saint  moon  .

nickname(s)  :  none  .

age  +  date  of  birth  :  22  +  july  19th  ,  1998  .

astrological  sign  :  cancer  .

myers - briggs  personality  type  :  infj  .

enneagram  type  :  the  individualist  .

moral  alignment  :  chaotic  neutral  .

gender  +  pronouns  :  cis  man  +  he / him / his  .

place  of  birth  :  gangnam  ,  south  korea  .

place  of  residence  :  key  biscayne  ,  florida  .

sexual  orientation  :  bisexual  .

romantic  orientation  :  biromantic  .

occupation  :  former  reality  star  /  instagram  influencer  /  café  owner  .

nationality  :  korean  .

ethnicity  :  korean  .

language(s)  spoken  :  korean  ,  english  ,  japanese  ,  and  learning  mandarin  .

social  media  handle  :  @SNT.MN

THE  BACKSTORY  .

            saint’s  story  starts  when  his  parents  ,  moon  ji - ho  and  park  soo - ah  went  on  their  first  date  .  in  truth  ,  it  had  been  a  rare  instance  of  love  at  first  sight  when  they  bumped  into  each  other  at  ji - ho’s  office  in  seoul  ,  and  the  date  was  only  used  to  solidify  their  feelings  .  you  see  ,  ji - ho  and  soo - ah  were  fairly  well  known  with  ji - ho  being  the  second  heir  to  moon  industries  alongside  his  sister  ,  moon  eun -  ha  .  moon  industries  was  founded  in  the  1940s  ,  and  is  known  primarily  for  their  real  estate  and  construction  business  .  the  company  was  founded  in  seoul  ,  and  originally  started  out  by  purchasing  and  renovating  beautiful  homes  and  condominiums  within  the  city  .  after  thirty  years  in  the  business  ,  ji - ho  and  eun - ha’s  father  was  one  of  the  first  in  south  korea  to  reach  the  status  of  billionaire  .

            ji - ho  and  soo -ah  were  looking  to  forge  their  own  path  ,  though  .  although  they  were  lucky  enough  to  have  wealthy  parents  ,  both  of  them  have  always  liked  the  idea  of  working  for  themselves  and  getting  their  hands  dirty  .  so  ,  they  refused  ji - ho’s  father’s  investment  and  decided  to  start  their  own  real  estate  firm  .  they  went  through  the  process  of  obtaining  their  real  estate  license  in  both  south  korea  and  the  united  states  ,  specifically in  florida  .  after  studying  hard  ,  they  were  able  to  open  moon  real  estate  ,  and  it  was  a  hassle  for  them  .  they  initially  ‘ struggled ’  seeing  as  though  they  were  their  only  employees  ,  and  soon  ,  soo - ah  discovered  that  she  was  pregnant  with  their  son  .

            for  four  years  ,  they  worked  hard  with  their  bumbling  baby  boy  ,  saint  ,  crawling  at  their  feet  and  curiously  looking  at  home  or  building  buyers  .  for  a  long  time  ,  they  considered  saint  to  be  their  closer  as  he  was  the  selling  point  and  allowed  people  to  hold  him  while  looking  at  the  home  .  usually  ,  soo - ah  would  use  saint  as  a  marketing  ploy  whenever  they  were  trying  to  sell  to  young  couples  ,  and  it  always  worked  .  the  moons  became  known  for  saint  syndrome  ,  where  those  same  young  couples  would  typically  call  to  say  that  they  were  expecting  within  a  year  of  buying  their  home  .  it  only  took  a  few  years  ,  but  the  moons  were  soon  raking  in  their  own  money  without  the  help  of  ji - ho’s  father  .  

            when  saint  was  six  ,  his  family  relocated  to  key  biscayne  ,  florida  .  life  was  easy  living  on  the  water  ,  and  his  parents  continued  to  sell  gorgeous  homes  both  in  seoul  and  in  the  wealthy  neighborhoods  of  florida  .  with  such  a  lifestyle  ,  it  wasn’t  unheard  of  for  saint  to  excel  at  his  private  school  ,  where  he  was  known  for  his  academic  prowess  as  well  as  his  ability  to  play  both  the  piano  and  the  cello  .  saint  was  a  fairly  popular  student  while  growing  up  ,  and  it  showed  when  the  moons  would  host  their  annual  christmas  party  .

            he  was  fourteen  when  he  finally  started  to  understand  the  rivalry  between  thoroughbreds  and  gatsbys  .  originally  ,  he  put  off  like  he  didn’t  care  ,  but  in  reality  he  was  trying  to  figure  it  out  .  the  moons  were  a  special  case  ,  considering  that  ji - ho  was  clearly  an  heir  to  a  billion  dollar  fortune  ,  but  also  had  become  wealthy  in  his  own  right  thanks  to  his  business  with  his  wife  .  saint  never  understood  that  jabs  and  jeers  that  he  would  receive  from  thoroughbreds  ,  because  to  him  ,  they  were  all  rich  so  what  the  hell  did  it  matter  ?  he  eventually  began  to  side  more  with  the  gatsbys  ,  never  understanding  why  the  thoroughbreds  felt  as  though  they  needed  to  stick  their  noses  up  in  the  air  at  them  .

            within  two  years  ,  though  ,  saint  seems  to  have  changed  for  the  worse  .  while  his  grades  may  be  good  ,  he  begins  to  spend  more  time  with  new  friends  in  miami  .  while  there  ,  he  surrounds  himself  with  fast  cars  and  short  nights  ,  but  he  thinks  it’s  his  parents’  fault  for  buying  him  a  488  spider  for  his  sixteenth  birthday  .  saint  began  to  get  into  trouble  ,  often  pulled  over  for  speeding  and  reckless  driving  to  impress  his  friends  .  like  always  ,  a  star  is  meant  to  fall  ,  and  it  all  came  crashing  down  for  saint  when  he  thought  that  drag  racing  on  u.s.  route  1  was  a  good  idea  .  he  assumed  that  he  could  lose  the  cops  ,  but  he  was  stupid  for  ever  thinking  so  --  he  totaled  the  $1.3m  dollar  car  ,  and  after  being  treated  for  minor  injuries  ,  he  was  booked  in  the  county  jail  .

            having  rich  parents  seems  to  be  all  fun  and  games  considering  they  were  barely  able  to  get  him  out  with  a  slap  on  the  wrist  ,  but  that  very  same  night  they  sent  him  away  on  a  business  plane  to  live  with  his  no - nonsense  grandparents  .  for  the  first  year  ,  saint  pouted  and  argued  ,  screamed  and  kicked  over  being  trapped  in  seoul  .  he  tried  to  escape  the  fortress  of  a  house  in  pyeongchang  ,  attempted  to  ditch  his  security  guards  when  he  went  out  in  public  ,  but  he  eventually  realized  that  there  was  no  getting  out  of  this  .  so  ,  he  made  the  most  out  of  it  :  he  finished  school  ,  and  during  his  senior  year  with  the  help  of  his  grandparents  ,  saint  opened  goodnight  moon  ,  a  late  night  café  that  appealed  to  college  students  and  late  workers  in  need  of  a  coffee  and  pastry  pick  me  up  .  the  café  went  viral  ,  and  so  did  the  handsome  owner  .

            he  returned  home  when  he  was  twenty  ,  and  discovered  that  key  biscayne  was  filming  .  as  the  resident  who  suddenly  disappeared  ,  saint  was  sought  after  by  the  producers  and  was  introduced  mid - way  through  the  second  season  .  

THE  SHOW  .

saint  and  his  family  were  not  introduced  on  key  biscayne  until  midway  through  season  two  .  he  was  introduced  as  most  table  shakers  would  be  ,  with  a  flurry  of  local  headlines  ranging  from  KEY  BISCAYNE  TEEN  ARRESTED  FOR  DRAG  RACING  and  HOW  MONEY  GETS  YOU  OUT  OF  A  JAIL  SENTENCE  .  his  parents  didn’t  like  the  idea  of  being  on  a  reality  series  ,  so  they  weren’t  featured  although  there  were  a  few  scenes  with  them  .

he  was  the  reality  show  villain  and  you  can’t  tell  me  otherwise  !  showed  up  with  an  air  of  what  the  fUCk  ever  and  despite  the  air  around  him  since  he  was  arrested  and  shipped  back  to  south  korea  ,  he  never  let  that  stop  him  ?  like  ofc  he’s  a  rich  boy  who  got  away  with  something  bc  he’s  rich  ,  but  it’s  not  that  he  doesn’t  acknowledge  it  ,  he  just  chooses  not  to  talk  about  it  .

was  definitely  the  subject  of  show  cliffhangers  ,  probably  nearly  got  kicked  off  the  show  because  of  his  short  temperament  and  despite  all  that  would  still  be  invited  to  the  reunions  because  he  would  always  start  some  shit  .  he  was  very  vocal  about  who  he  didn’t  like  on  the  show  ,  and  probably  had  good  chemistry  with  a  cast  mate  and  fans  of  the  show  always  pushed  for  them  to  become  a  thing  (  a  wc  ...  mayhaps  👀 )  but  they  were  never  anything  more  than  friends  .

by  the  end  of  the  show  ,  saint  was  that  cast  member  that  fans  love  to  hate  .  he  was  employee  of  the  month  ,  and  that’s  on  period  !  gave  what  he  was  supposed  to  gave  and  was  highkey  problematic  (  not  in  a  bad  way  ,  but  in  a  way  where  he  was  always  the  one  in  the  middle  of  some  shit  )  and  when  people  would  question  him  about  it  ofc  he  didn’t  care  KFNDSJBFS  .

THE  PERSONALITY  .

a  little  shit  .  that’s  it  .  that’s  all  you  need  to  know  .  although  he’s  standoffish  ,  still  has  his  insecurities  because  he’s  not  the  ‘  perfect  ’  son  that  his  parents  pushed  for  him  to  be  .  very  much  so  the  black  sheep  of  the  family  ,  and  is  deemed  as  a  lost  cause  by  his  thespian  of  a  mother  ,  so  he  figures  that  he  might  as  well  live  up  to  that  name  .  comes  across  as  someone  who  genuinely  doesn’t  care  ,  and  he  doesn’t  KFDBJSFSD  .  sometimes  only  looks  out  for  himself  which  adds  more  sand  into  the  asshole  bin  ,  and  he  hates  being  asked  ‘  dumb  ’  questions  .  it’s  a  pet  peeve  that  his  mom  thinks  he  picked  up  from  his  father  .

THE  HEADCANONS  .

he  does  not  want  to  be  your  friend  KFNDSFUS  .  he  can  be  very  standoffish  just  to  get  that  point  across  ,  and  he  doesn’t  interact  with  people  outside  of  a  chosen  few  .  

can  be  wildly  off  putting  and  while  someone  else  may  be  afraid  of  confrontation  ,  he  isn’t  !  might  be  the  subject  of  bar  brawls  and  minor  scraps  because  he  genuinely  does  not  know  how  to  shut  the  hell  up  .

hates  walnuts  ;  idk  why  that’s  important  but  it  is  .  serve  him  something  with  walnuts  in  it  and  he’ll  never  talk  to  you  again  .

romantically  and  emotionally  stunted  ,  therefore  he  bides  his  time  with  casual  sex  and  noncommittal  acts  of  romance  .  can  be  found  slipping  out  of  beds  in  the  middle  of  the  night  ,  never  returns  texts  ,  and  at  times  will  pretend  that  he  doesn’t  know  who  the  other  person  is  (  ew  !  )  .

a  chaotic  boy  with  a  heart  of  gold  ,  he  just  doesn’t  show  it  and  has  mastered  the  art  of  being  fake  .  

despite  his  repulsion  of  romance  and  relationships  ,  he’ll  flirt  with  anyone  that  has  a  pair  of  legs  ,  and  he  quite  honestly  might  call  someone  daddy  just  for  the  hell  of  it  KNFDH  . 

probably  posts  those  outfit  thirst  traps  on  instagram  reels  or  tik  tok  bc  he’s  annoying  .

THE  CONNECTIONS  .

an  angsty  ex  boyf  👀 if  i  have  to  BEG  for  it  i  will  !  and  i  promise  to  make  you  cry  xD

a  best  friend  pls  !  someone  who  has  been  friends  with  him  since  before  he  was  shipped  back  to  korea  for  a  few  years  so  when  he  came  back  and  was  on  the  show  ,  they  were  THE  dynamic  duo  .

i’ve  been  really  into  his  plot  but  someone  he  works  out  with  ?  maybe  they  don’t  work  out  together  per  say  ,  but  they’re  somehow  always  at  the  community  gym  at  the  same  time  .

something  soft  ?  something  so  sweet  that  it  would  make  my  teeth  rot  ?  could  either  be  a  boyfriend  or  girlfriend  thing  or  tbh  i  don’t  know  but  i’m  literally  looking  for  something  that’s  all  fluff  and  all  marshmallows  and  if�� i  don’t  get  it  then  i’ll  cry  .

a  plot  where  they  full  on  hate  each  other  .  none  of  that  cute  shit  KNFDNFHSD  .  no  lingering  feelings  ,  no  moments  of  hate lapse  --  they  hate  each  other  and  it’s  a  spicy  hate  ship  that  literally  gets  your  blood  pumping  .  

SKINNY  LOVE  ARE  YOU  THERE  ?

his  hoodrat  friends  NFDJNHFBD  i’m  kidding  but  i’m  thinking  like ...  a  billionaire  boys  club  type  of  thing  ?  perhaps  the  five  of  them  get  together  and  ppl  try  to  penetrate  the  group  or  they  have  these  instances   where  ppl  straight  up  hate  them  for  no  reason  ?  they  were  probably  the  TALK  of  the  show  bc  thought  they  were  assholes  KNFDJBFBD  idk  either  way  ,  my  hand  is  out  .  (  1  of  4  spots  filled  )

a  one  night  stand  with  some  substance  ?  like  yeah  ,  they  fuck  around  and  they  have  their  fun  together  but  they  don’t  pretend  to  not  know  each  other  in  public  (  unless  this  person  is  a  thoroughbred  and  i  oop  ,  chile  )  so  they  probs  tend  to  be  a  little  like  confidants  at  times  but  also  have  a  tendency  of  shutting  each  other  up  with  sex  .

#biscayne.intro #this is really long i do apologize KNFDNSHF

[slntthrpy]

The start of nothing.

I’m started this because i want to write, and its something i would write on Twitter but its too dangerous do it on there because people will start to message or comment. As if their comments arent bullshit. I wrote something along the lines that I am in the worse battle with my myself. And someone wrote, “don’t be too hard on yourself, take it day by day” like come on. That’s so much bullshit. Those words mean nothing to me they actually make me annoyed. This is why i don’t like to talk to people because i always hate what they say back to me. This is why I’m starting this. Because i was to spill my emotions and my thoughts without stupid ass comments. No one on earth understands me. No one not even myself tbh. But today i realized something. I realized that I am in the worse battle, with myself and i have been for so many years. Maybe my whole life i don’t even know. I always remember being unhappy and i just have happy moments. It’s literally me against me.

Do i need medicine

Ew i don’t want that. But also ew at myself bc I’m tired of feeling like this. So ew at myself too

Will i only be able to be ok with meds

What kind of life is that

So does that mean I’m not normal. It’s past 1am and i should be talking to him but I’m so miserable rn

I don’t feel like pretending to be happy

When i just want to be gone

Vanished

Like just simply not exist

But i have to pretend to be normal, for him

Yup, always pleasing people. Always doin shit for people

I am not a happy people pleaser

I want to be pleased but hell no not in this life. Ha that’s funny 

I cant even have my own fucking left overs bc someone has to eat off my plate, never fucking questioned who’s food it was or why its warm and just sitting there at the table. No- like a animal he just eats my fucking food. This shit enraged me so much

With two other people at the table who saw me eating it never thought it would be a good idea to mention shit to him. Literally just laugh as me and tell me I’m out of dinner. No one does shit for me. And yet i cant even eat the food what i chose at a restaurant that a random ass person made for me. Bc lord knows food is never made for me. Nothing ever

I am a server, a fucking care taker

And I’m nothing

I can honestly say that i was happier when i was married. I promise to god i was. And i know as I’m typing this god is looking at me and just rolling his eyes. Like i tweeted one time. “when you think you have it hard and it just get harder” I mean this. When you think you have a bad or unhappy life aka my marriage so you leave and start a new life but that new life turns out worse. 

You’re everyone bitch. 

You have no money

No job

No independence

Sole care taker of my child and two other children who aren’t mine. 

You’re are pregnant 

PREGNANT

Yes

I’m the ultimate idiot

And i feel so bad for Lila and the baby

They have a mother like me. I’m sorry

You didn’t choose to live and i didn’t know what i was getting myself into.

I don’t have the guts to abort or put up for adoption

But i am just not qualified for this. I’m not ok to do this right now and maybe i never would be. 

When it be ok to just be gone from this earth

Like honestly 

I want to ball up and do nothing but i cant.

I have to take care of a baby and i really don’t want to . She tossing in her crib and I want to walk away 

The worse part of being depressed or whatever you call this, this activated postpartum depression, one of the things that kills me is taking care of my baby. It’s hard for me, it’s tough as hell. And i don’t get help from the dad. I live with him and we are together but he does nothing. His life is absolutely the same with or without her........there is 1 couple, two parents but only one parent takes care of the baby. If it was two parents and we were not together, my life without a doubt would be easier. working isn’t hard for me. Paying my own rents paying my own bills isn’t hard for me. Parenting all by self is hard for me. So if her dads take her 50 % of the time and help me pay day care and her stuff. That to me sounds like the life! Why bc

I have to take care of myself, i go to work

Raise my kids half of the time and her dad raises her half of the time

I take care of me and her. 

Not another man, his kids and then myself which i don’t take care of myself tbh

See how being with a man well this man is more work for me

More misery for me

His life is coo as fuck

If i leave, he has to find some to babysit his kids. All 3 of them. HAHA plus still pay for everything he is still currently paying for like rents, bills. Literally nothing of that changes. He literally gets more responsibility that’s all. So why is it that he doesn’t feel like he’s responsible for his kids now

Bc he fucking comfortable 

He mom and sister are worried bc he’s gaining weight and say he might be depressed and say he needs a hobby. I could cry bc that’s so funny. His hobby needs to be to take care of his fucking kids! 

I’m slowly dying and he’s living life.

Like a painful death. 

You would think having kids would stop you from wanting to kill yourself. He even told me that when i had just gave birth. Why would you want to be away from that. 

Sorry but my thoughts haven’t changed. I still want to kill myself. Escape this shit

[ladyloveandjustice]

Saw the My Hero Academia Heroes Rising Movie!

It was a lot of fun (and the animation in the second half was AMAZING eye candy) but also KINDA STRANGE in some ways. 

The previous MHA movie was set between the second and third season, so I assumed this would be the same and be set between the third and the currently airing one, but this actually seemed to be concurrent with wherever the manga is right now, and referenced several events that haven’t happened in the anime yet, and featured characters that haven’t appeared yet. Not like super huge spoilers, but like, for instance, Todoroki quotes something I GUESS Endeavor must have told him in the manga but hasn’t said to him in the anime yet at a dramatic moment? even that dude who caused all the controversy with his name reveal recently factors in and appears for a few minutes. So if you’re an anime-only like me, fair warning for that.

There were also a lot of hilariously contrived things in this movie including the entire premise which was like

UA: so we’ve been roasted in the press and lost the trust of society for being irresponsible supervising our students who are currently being targeted by a villainous organization that will take any opening to attack them. what do we do?

Aizawa: well I think we should send the entire class of first years to an isolated island with ZERO adult hero supervision,where the nearest help is like a thousand miles away and they can easily be cut off from communication with the outside world! Also we should task them with protecting the entire populace, and do absolutely nothing to check up on them or keep the League of Villains from following them and attacking. This is a cool island with no crime on it usually so, y’know, it should be fine.

UA: brilliant!

It did make for some cool fight scenes and having all the peeps in class 1A get to show off their powers a bit, which is something the first movie didn’t do very well. The first half of the movie was very obnoxious in the ‘guys fight, girls are in charge of evacuation and don’t get to fight bc we’re not going to bother to hide our sexism here’ but the second half had all the kids teaming up for cool combo attacks which mitigated it a bit. 

also Bakugou and Deku’s contrasting ways of dealing with the two little kids they were protecting WAS side-splitting; at one point poor Deku has to crawl on Bakugou’s back and SHOVE HIS FINGERS INTO HIS EYES and prevent him  raging out at these small children and it made me laugh so hard, as did the little girl saying “OH HEY IT’S THE MEAN ONE” when Bakugou arrived to rescue her.

BUT HEY SPEAKING OF BOTH COOL FIGHTS AND REALLY CONTRIVED THINGS, THAT ENDING.

in an article I skimmed, Horikoshi mentions the movie is basically an idea he considered for the final arc, and I was like “huh I wonder how that works” but when you watch the last half of the movie YUP it’s truly a bunch of climactic shonen final arc resolution events happening that are then immediately undone and it’s just SO awkward and hilarious. spoilers under the cut

Basically, Deku and Bakugou fight a villain who is basically All for One except it’s A Different Dude.

Deku is all: KACCHAN I WILL SACRIFICE ONE FOR ALL AND GIVE IT TO YOU SO WE CAN LIKE, BOTH HAVE IT  FOR A WHILE AND BEAT THIS GUY WITH DOUBLE POWER AND THEN  IF WE LIVE YOU’LL JUST HAVE IT I GUESS

Bakugou: wtf really. (his conflicted, upset and uncomfortable expressions here were REALLY detailed, like I said the animation was gonzo, but it was honestly rlly weird to see him experience a lot of emotions at once IM NOT USED TO HIM HAVING MORE THAN ONE)

 DEKU:  YEAH WHY NOT, JUST FUCKIN’ TAKE IT, YOU GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING JUST LIKE WHEN YOU STOLE MY LUNCH MONEY

Bakugou: oh shit...we’re going to slowly reach and have our fingers brush each other and struggle until we finally clasp hands aren’t we... 

Deku: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT BITCH!!! AND WE’LL MIX BLOOD WHILE MIGHT U TOUCHINGLY PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND 

Bakugou: fuck. Kirishima can’t ever know about this 

Deku: NOW ACCEPT THIS HAND, AND THUS SYMBOLICALLY YOU ACCEPT THE HAND I OFFERED YOU WHEN WE WERE FIVE OR WHATEVER, CULMINATING YOUR ARC AS MY RIVAL AND GIVING YOU THE POWER TO BECOME SUPER SAIYAN

Bakugou: oh no you’re not kidding I look so stupid.

Deku: That you do, Vegeta.  NOW ARE YOU EXCITED TO BREAK YOUR ARMS!!!

Bakugou: didn’t you spend like, a whole episode realizing you have legs??? what happened to that? but yeah actually i am i have always wanted to show i can break my arms with these powers way better than u ever did!!!

Deku: honestly I couldn’t have chosen anyone more deserving than u to feel this pain

anyway they fight together and then pass out and All Might arrives ten minutes late with starbucks: what the fuck did you do young midoriya

Deku: I’M SO SAD I SACRIFICED MYSELF AND MY DREAM. 

All Might: NOT AS SAD AS ME IF YOU GAVE MY POWERS TO YOUNG BAKUGOU! THAT MEANS I ACTUALLY HAVE TO SPEND A TIME WITH HIM NOW. DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT WILL BE FOR ME

Deku: sorry

All Might: oh thank god i guess Bakugou passed out conveniently before the powers fully transferred so you still have them or whatever

Deku: wow that is incredibly convenient.

All Might: alternately maybe my mentor was doing me a solid from beyond the grave and stopped the power from transferring to someone obnoxious with the other One for All-ers. Thanks Hero Mom :’). always looking out for me.

Deku: uhh when i proposed a similar theory about the people connected to One for All helping me you said it was stupid-?

All Might: YEAH WELL THAT WAS WHEN YOU SAID IT WASN’T IT??? SHUT UP.

Deku: anyway in the trend of convenient happenings, when Bakugou woke he remembered nothing about this fight...

Bakugou: Assagdsfasfasdasd WHY ARE MY ARMS BROKEN???

Deku:... so our relationship in the main series isn’t affected and -

Bakugou: WHY ARE MY ARMS BROKEN IN THE SPECIFIC EXACT WAY DEKU’S ARE ALSO BROKEN???

Deku: ...and the status quo can remain!

Bakugou: you know what. I’m not going to question this any further. because i don’t ever want to remember the fact i held hands with a nerd. god i love repressing.

***

Like can you imagine if Horikoshi had gone through with this, what a depressing ending this would be without the reset???. “all that stuff about this being the story of deku becoming the greatest hero lol we pranked you’  I’M GLAD HE CHANGED HIS MIND but also it tickles me that he apparently thought at one point that holding hands with Deku was the ultimate endpoint of Bakugou’s character. I hope in his original plan Bakugou had held hands with everyone else in Class 1A at that point and Deku was the Final Step. 

Anyway, ridic contrivances aside it was a fun movie and it was very fun to see it in theatres with everyone very excited and cosplayers and all that. JUST PREPARE TO DRINK IN THE SHONEN, CUZ THEY AIN’T HOLDIN’ BACK.

#my hero academia #heroes rising movie #nev watches mha #reviews #my reviews #this isn't coherent enough to be a review but whatevs

[raysofcrosby]

WHEN YOU’RE READY

𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘵 (𝘹)

𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥: yes | no

𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨(𝘴): angry nolan, bad words and mentions of std’s

𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵: 4,901

𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦: so i’m not a huge health expert, so there’s a good 90% chance that the way the appointment in this goes, isn’t factual. so please don’t attack me lmao. tbh this idea came to me while i was cleaning out our garage??? like i think this is gonna be a multi-part imagine??? safe sex is important everybody!!!! even if you’re on bc, condoms are important so please be safe!!!! ok enough rambling, bye!

“Chlamydia! The stupid asshole has Chlamydia!” You screamed, pacing back and forth as you waved the piece of paper in front of your best friend, Nolan's face. “He has Chlamydia and he wasn’t even going to tell me!”

“Well, do uh...have you er—“ Nolan asked, the tips of his ears turning red as he scratched at his neck.

You stopped and stood directly in front of him, the piece of paper feeling like it was on fire as you held it in your hand. “What?”

“Have you...” His eyes shifted from the paper to you and then back to the paper. “You know...”

Now it was your turn to turn red from embarrassment as his eyes stayed glued to the piece of paper. You and Nolan have been best friends since you were kids, sharing all the awkward moments that growing up with an opposite-sex best friend had to offer. He was (unfortunately) there for your first period, your parents gave you joint sex talks after they walked in on the two of you sharing a quick, experimental kiss when you were 10 (which also marked the end of your joint sleepovers) you knew each other’s, body counts— there was nothing in this world that could make you feel embarrassed in front of him...or so you thought. Because him asking you whether or not you have an STD was brand new territory and you didn’t like it.

“No,” You stared back down at the piece of paper, looking for the date. “But the results say he came in Tuesday last week and we haven’t had sex—“

“Nope, stop right there.” He held up his hand and got up off of the couch, walking towards the kitchen and grabbing his keys off the counter. “I guess our parents duel birds and bees talk didn’t scare you as much as it did me, because if it did— you’d be more aware of STD’s and getting tested.”

“Oh trust me, I was scared the moment your mom brought out the fresh produce.” You replied, cringing at the memory of your parents teaching you about condoms. “But we haven’t had sex in—“

“Doesn’t matter Y/N! Who’s to say he hasn’t had....” He paused as the elevator doors closed behind you. He couldn’t even bring himself to say the word— and you were thankful for it. “What I’m trying to say is, guys are idiots. He could have had all the signs and ignored them and not realized something was wrong until too late and that’s why he got tested.”

When the elevator doors opened again, he walked ahead of you and you followed behind like a puppy. “What you need to be focused about, besides getting tested, is why the hell he’s had these results for almost two weeks and hasn’t told you.”

“Oh trust me, I’m giving him an ear full the next time I see his sneaky ass.” You mumble, getting into Nolan’s car and putting on your seatbelt.

He didn’t say another word as he left the parking garage to his apartment building and began driving down the road. You were equally as calm as you were embarrassed right now, and you had Nolan to thank for it. He’s been your rock since you were kids, even taking you under his wing the moment that you decided to move to Philly last year, for a job opportunity that you couldn’t refuse and one that your parents didn’t understand. He and his teammate, Travis let you stay with them rent free until you could save up some money and find a place. But instead of finding a place, you found Preston.

Nolan was supportive of course, but his unease about just how soon you and Preston moved in together was not something he ever shied away from. The two of you even got into a huge argument about it the night before you moved in with Preston. The worst argument you’ve ever had, one that had you thinking that you’d probably never talk to one another again. But the next morning, Nolan had an edible arrangement sent to your desk with an apology and everything’s been well ever since. He’s always been supportive of you, no matter what you’ve done— and now is no different.

“Um Nol, this isn’t the way to my doctor's office.”

“That’s because we’re not going to a doctors office. You need results quicker than what a doctor’s office an offer. Not three days, not next week, now.” He pulled off the road and into the parking lot of a small clinic. “So, you’re doing a walk-in and getting your results the same day.”

“Do I even want to know how you know where a walk-in clinic is?” You asked, your eyebrows raised. It was hard to imagine that he’d ever had to come here for testing— oh God, what if he’s come here for another reason?

Nolan laughed, shaking his head as he opened his car door. “Never for me. Travis has made a visit or two after some...interesting encounters.”

You let out the breath you hadn’t even known you’d been holding and got out of the car. “I was about to say, I’m way too young to be a Godmother, Nolan.”

He mumbled something before getting out of the car. It was low, but it sounded like he said “you don’t have to worry about that,” but then again, this mumbling was a lot lower than his normal incoherent mumbling. So you probably misheard him. You shook it off and got out of the car, following Nolan into the small clinic. You didn't know what you were expecting. Any time you've ever gotten blood work or any kind of medical test done– it was at your own doctor's office.

There were four other people sitting in the waiting room, and you couldn't help but wonder what they were here for. Or if just by simply looking at you, they knew that your scumbag of a boyfriend had possibly given you chlamydia. "Here."

You shook yourself out of your thoughts to find Nolan shoving a clipboard into your chest. "What is this?"

"You were off in Y/N-land, so I got your paperwork. Just fill it out and then hand it off. She said a doctor should be with you shortly." He walked towards two chairs in the corner and sat down, patting the one next to him.

Your legs felt like jello as you followed suit and sat down. Picking up the pen that was connected to the clipboard, your eyes skimmed the paper. It was asking for basic facts like your name, age, insurance provider, and what you were there for– nothing too intimate. Though you knew the nurse or doctor you'd be cared by, would ask them as soon as you walked through that door. You slowly filled out the information before walking back up to the women, giving her a smile as she took the clipboard from you. "Just have a seat and we'll have someone with you in just a moment."

You nodded, turning back and immediately bumping into a little boy, no older than four. "Sorry." He giggled, running past you and over to a woman sitting by the small play area. No sooner than he bumped into her legs, she looked up and gave you a smile before returning back to filling out her paper.

A chill went down your spine as you walked back to Nolan and you could feel your palms begin to sweat. What if Preston had given you Chlamydia? What's the treatment? What if you had something worse? What were you going to tell your parents? Would you tell your parents? Surely Nolan wouldn't rat you out. Oh God, Nolan. He's as recognizable as a mall Santa. There's no way word won't get out that the Nolan Patrick, a Center for the Philadelphia Flyers, was sitting in a walk-in clinic with a nervous looking girl.

You could see the headlines now. 'Has Nolan Patrick knocked up a girl?' 'Tis the season for hockey– and a baby?!' You couldn't even begin to think about the mean tweets and comments on Instagram without feeling the least bit nauseous.

"Hey, you okay?" Nolan whispered, leaning over to you.

Whether it was his voice or the sudden realization of your situation, you got chills down your back and up your arms. "You should leave. I don't want you to get ostracized or something for being seen at a clinic with me."

In true Nolan fashion, he rolled his eyes. "I'm not letting you do this alone."

The door separating the waiting room from the rest of the clinic opened and a middle-aged woman in scrubs stood there with a clipboard in her hand. "Y/N L/N?" It freaked you out the moment her eyes landed directly on you without looking anywhere else in the room.

"Come on, let's go," Nolan said, wrapping his hand around yours and standing up, almost dragging you with him to the back room.

He hadn't let go of your hand the entire walk down the hallway and into a private room, only letting go when the Nurse told you to sit up on the exam table. And even then, he scooted the free chair closer to it in case of any emergent hand holding. "So Miss L/N, you wrote down that you're here for a Chlamydia test, is that correct?"

"Y-Yes ma'am." You replied, playing with your hands as your eyes darted around the room taking in all of the informational posters.

Like a well-oiled machine, she took your blood pressure and temperature, marking them down onto a piece of paper before looking at you again. "Are you having any symptoms?"

You opened your mouth to speak and your throat felt a little dry. You took a small breath and exhaled. "My boyfriend got tested last week and he uh....he has it. So I thought that I'd get tested..."

Her eyes immediately looked at Nolan with raised eyebrows. "Did you just do a Chlamydia test or a full STD screening?"

After her question went unanswered, Nolan looked away from a poster on the wall to see her staring at him. His cheeks immediately went red as his eyes widened. "Oh no. No, no I'm not–" he cleared his throat, giving you an embarrassed look. "I'm not her boyfriend."

"He's my emotional support best friend," You smiled, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. "He actually drove me here."

The nurse gave you a smile before turning back to Nolan. "Will you be getting any testing done today, young man? Or just her?"

"Just her."

She nodded and turned back to you with the clipboard in her hands. "Do you want him in the room when I ask these questions? They get a little personal."

"That's okay, I'll just go ahead and excuse my–"

"No!" You held onto his hand tighter, giving him a pleading look. "He stays. Otherwise, I think I might faint."

Nolan squeezed your hand back and leaned into his chair as the Nurse nodded her head. "Okay, so these are just some basic questions. There's no need to be nervous or scared, I'm here to help you figure everything out, okay?"

You gulped and nodded, feeling the nerves surge through your body. "O-Okay."

"Have you or your boyfriend ever had an STD before?"

"I haven't, no," You shook your head, burrowing your eyebrows as you thought about Preston and his sexual history...which you realized you hadn't really known much about. "I don't know about him, though."

"That's okay, no worries." She smiled, scribbling down. "How many people have you had sex with?"

"4, including my boyfriend and he's the only person I've been having sex with for the last 9 months."

"The kind of sex you've had?"

You felt your body begin to heat up at her question. She really wasn't kidding about how personal they got. You were starting to question whether or not you should have had Nolan leave the room. You glanced over at him to see that he was looking at everything except for you, probably trying to make himself seem invisible...but the flush of his cheeks shows that he too was feeling a little embarrassed.

"Um...everything?" You squeaked, feeling your heart hammer at the fact that your best friend now knew that you were no longer untouched in the backdoor apartment. Something that you two never really dwelled on the topic at all, but he still knew that you weren't the biggest fan. Your eyes went back to Nolan and his head was now ducked and staring at the floor.

"So, Vaginal, Oral, Anal–"

"Yes, yes, next question please." 

God, if you're listening...please swallow me up right now.

"How often do you use protection? And is there anything else you do that could increase your chances of getting an STD?" How she was able to keep a stone cold face as she asked these questions, you had no clue. Because between both you and Nolan, you'd think that the two of you were tomatoes.

"Um...maybe like, 50% of the time, I guess? I've got the implant in my arm, but he switches on and off with condoms. And no, nothing that comes to mind."

She scribbled down the information onto the paper and gave you a reassuring smile before placing the clipboard down onto the counter and opening some cabinets. "Now, I know you came here just for the Chlamydia test, but is there any other testing you'd like to get done? Pregnancy? A full STD screening?"

"Um, sure? I guess."

She wrote some more stuff down on the clipboard before walking over towards the door. "Give me a minute and I'll be right back with the doctor, okay?"

She walked out of the room and it was as if she took all of the air with her. The tension between you and Nolan was so heavy, it was suffocating. "So, babies..."

"WHAT?"

He stood up and walked across the room, pointing to an anatomical poster of a baby in the womb. "There's a lot of babies in this room."

You could tell that he was trying his best to relieve the tension, but he was ultimately failing.  "Sorry, you had to sit through that. If I would have known the kind of questions..."

He shrugged his shoulders and stuffed his hands into his hoodie pockets. "S'okay. It was uh..." He rubbed the back of his neck and you could tell he was trying to fight his body from letting his cheeks redden even more. "Educational?"

You burst into laughter as the tears you'd been holding back released themselves. Out of all of the things, Nolan calling the fact that he learned you'd done anal...educational. "I love you," you sniffled, wiping your cheeks as he came and sat down next to you again. "What am I going to do? What if I have it? What if I'm pregnant? What if–"

He covered your mouth and while he had a smile on his face, the calmness in his eyes spoke to you the most. "What you're not going to do is give yourself a panic attack, okay?"

You nodded and he dropped his hand, reaching down and holding yours. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

He looked around the room, his eyes settling on a stack of pamphlets on the counter. He got back up and looked through them, coming back with what looked to be like one from every pile. "We read up on it. So if your results do come back positive, you have the right information and treatment so you won't send yourself into a panic attack."

He sat down and placed the pamphlets down next to him, taking both of your hands in his as you sniffled again. "I'm right here Y/N and I'm not leaving, okay? Whatever happens, you'll have me right here by your side."

He reached up and wiped your cheek, giving you a smile as you nodded. The door opened and the nurse from earlier came back in with the doctor by her side. "Hi Y/N, I'm Dr. Pippen," He smiled, extending his hand to you before turning to Nolan. "And this must be the emotional support best friend."

"Nolan, sir," Nolan replied, shaking his hand.

"Nice game Friday and an even better win," He replied, turning back to look at the paper the Nurse had written on. "So, what we're going to do is a basic STD screening and then a pregnancy test. Have you ever had any of those before?"

"No sir, never."

"Alright, so Chlamydia and Gonorrhea tests can be done through urine samples, so we'll have you pee in a cup and that's how we'll do your pregnancy test as well. Those results you'll be able to receive tomorrow." He flipped the paper over as the nurse prepared the sterile cup and pulled out packaged needles and labeled tubes. "Now, for the rest, we'll be taking small blood samples and those can take another day or two depending on how backed up the lab is."

"What are the rest you're screening for, sir?" Nolan asked, interacting during your appointment for the first time.

"HIV, Syphilis, and Hepatitis B." He looked up from the clipboard and gave you a reassuring smile. "Based on your answers, it's a slim chance that you could have any of those, but it's never a bad thing to be safe, okay?"

You just nodded and looked at Nolan as you heard the Nurse start to prepare to take some blood samples. "Hey, how are we ever supposed to get matching tattoos if you're freaking out over some tiny needles," Nolan whispered, the glint in his eye telling you not to worry.

"Go ahead and clench your fist for me, honey," the nurse said as you felt her tie the rubber band on your arm. "Perfect, now you'll just feel a pinch."

"Do I still get artistic control of our said, matching tattoos?"

"As long as you don't make it frilly and girly, of course." He said, but you knew he was lying based on the fact that he had three flowers on the inside of his bicep– one of his mom and the other two for his sisters.

"I'm going to pick the frilliest and girliest tattoo ever then."

"Okay, now we just need your urine sample and then you're done." The nurse said, turning back and placing the two tubes of blood into a plastic bag. She turned back to you and handed you another plastic bag with your information on it and a plastic, clear cup. "The bathroom is just right across the hall."

You took the materials out of her hand and were amazed at how solid your legs felt for the first time since finding (bf) paper results. Opening the door, you turned back one last time and looked at Nolan who gave you a small smile and a thumbs up. You turned back and left the room, letting the heavy door close behind you before walking into the bathroom.

You've peed in a cup before, sure. To get your job you had to take a drug test and that wasn't nerve wracking. But this, this was a test that would show whether or not you had two sexual diseases or if you were going to be a mother in 9 months time. Undressing from the waist down, you hovered over the toilet and closed your eyes, trying to relax your hand holding the cup from shaking. Unless you wanted to chug a few bottles of water, this was your only chance to get the test done and leave the clinic.

When you were done, you closed the cup and put it in the bag sealing it. As you washed your hands, you looked at your reflection in the mirror. Your eyes were puffy from your short stint at crying, your hair a little bit of a wreck– but otherwise, you looked the same. You didn't look how you had been feeling the last few hours– different, changed... as nothing would ever be the same after finding out that your boyfriend could have potentially given you an STD.

Walking out of the bathroom and back into the private room, you put the cup in a small tub on the counter and the nurse smiled at you. "I'll go ahead and print you off a copy of your test order and then you're free to go, I'll take you back out front."

You followed her down the hall and through the door, back into the waiting room again, Nolan still by your side. We stood at the front, waiting for her to hand you the printout. When she did, You gave her a thankful smile. "We'll call you with the results, have a nice night."

Walking out of the clinic, you'd expected for the sun to be completely set and the nightlife of Philly to be alive. Yet the sun was only beginning to set and traffic was at ease. It was strange because being in that clinic...it felt like you were in there for hours. Where when you looked at the time, it had really only been 45 minutes. You and Nolan had kept quiet as you got into his car and began to pull out of the parking lot. Coming to a stop, he placed his hand on top of yours and looked at you. "What do you want to do?"

What you wanted to do was drive out to an abandoned lot, get out of the car and just scream– to let out your frustrations. And even though you knew Nolan would support it full heartedly, maybe going to an abandoned lot at this time of day wasn't the best idea. So instead, you took a deep breath, squeezed his hand and said, "take me home."

                                                           ––

Nolan was against dropping you off at your apartment and leaving you there to talk to Preston alone but after insisting and then threatening to cut his hair while he slept...he finally left. You didn't want Nolan to be there when you had the talk with him because you were already embarrassed enough at the fact that he had to take you to the clinic to get tested. Having him hear you argue with your boyfriend about how the hell he got Chlamydia and if he was going to tell you, wasn't something you wanted him there for.

The front door to your apartment opened and Preston strolled in, closing it behind him and hanging his keys up on the hook. "Hey babe," He said, sounding relaxed and happy as he made his way over to you in the living room. "Is everything o–"

That's when he must have seen it, his unfolded test results sitting directly in front of you, face up and in full view. You had your hands tucked beneath your chin as you stared at the paper. "Sit down."

"Where did you get–"

"SIT Preston!" You yelled, keeping your eyes on the paper because you knew the moment that you looked him in the eyes, your facade would fall and the tears would spill.

You reached out and slid the paper over towards him. "Y/N, I can explain."

You let out a gutted laugh, finally looking at him. "Please do! Please explain to me why I found a positive test result for Chlamydia from almost two weeks ago, sitting on the counter!" His eyes stayed looking down at the paper as if he was reading it over. But you knew better, he was just too chicken to look you in the eye. "How?"

You already knew the answer, you just wanted him to say it. To see if he was capable of being an adult and facing his problems head-on. The way his eyebrows furrowed and straightened out again as he chewed on his lip, was showing you that he was contemplating his explanation. The truth or a lie? "Maybe you–"

"Don't you even go there, Preston."

He sighed and rubbed his hands down the front of his face as he fell back into the couch. "It was only two times."

In an instant, it was like those five words sucker punched you so hard in the gut, that you could feel the pain in your back. "O-Only two times? ONE TIME IS BAD ENOUGH PRESTON! BUT TWO?!"

"Y/N, please it was a–"

You held up your hand to silence him, feeling your bottom lip tremble as you collected your thoughts. "I had to get tested today, Preston. Nolan had to drive me to the fucking walk-in clinic to get tested for Chlamydia and every other fucking STD in the book because you can't keep your minuscule dick in your pants?"

You stood up and held your hands out to calm yourself, looking at him. "And you have the fucking guts, to say it was only two times...and that it was a mistake," you laughed and shook your head. "Fucking unbelievable."

You heard the couch shift back as he stood up fast, clenching the paper in his hands. "Why were you even going through my stuff?"

"You left it on the kitchen counter, genius!" You said, turning your back to him and crossing your arms. "Get out."

"What?" He asked, scoffing at your demand. "This is my apartment! I'm not getting out of my apartment."

"Fine," You turned back to him, glaring at him. "Then I'm leaving. I'll come back for all of my stuff."

"Come on, Y/N, let's talk this out like adults and–"

"ADULTS?" You laughed, shaking your head. "WE'RE YOU EVEN GOING TO TELL ME?"

He stood there, his eyes switching constantly between the floor, his test results and you. "Eventually."

"Eventually," you threw your hands up and let them fall against your legs. "Eventually, doesn't work for me, Preston. You're putting my health at risk because you're too much of a coward to tell me that you cheated on me and the skank you did it with gave you an STD."

He lunged forward and grabbed your elbow as you went to walk away from him. "Y/N–"

"Let go of me, Preston!"

No sooner than the words left your lips, your front door burst open and Nolan came storming over towards you. In an instant, Preston's grip was ripped from you as Nolan pushed him against the wall, his forearm pressing against Preston's chest. He turned to you and nodded his head down the hall. "Y/N, go pack a bag," he turned back to Preston and glared at him. "You're leaving."

"Y/N, please don't! We can–" His voice choked off as Nolan slid his forearm up higher towards Preston's windpipe.

"You don't talk to her, you don't look at her," He looked back at you, "Y/N, now."

You turned away from the scene and rushed into the bedroom you shared with Preston. Reaching under the bed, you grabbed your duffel bag and raced around the room, grabbing as much as you could from your assigned drawers, your side of the closet and any of the electronics and other small stuff you'd need. You zipped it up and tossed it over your shoulder, walking out of the room to see Preston still pinned against the wall. He looked in your direction and nodded to his right, signaling for you to go towards the front door.

You walked by Preston, not even bothering to give him a second look as you stood by the door, shuffling side to side as Nolan glared at Preston once more. "You better pray that her test results come back negative or so help me God, I'll come back here and personally kick your ass." He pushed him further against the wall before letting him go, pushing a finger into his chest. "Let's get one thing straight. Whatever her insurance doesn't cover from this testing, you'll pay. We'll be back tomorrow to grab the rest of her stuff around noon. You can either be here, hide away in a fucking corner and not speak or you can choose not to be here when we are. Either way, if I find out that you're trying to contact her, I'll come back and kick your ass."

Preston just nodded his head frantically and Nolan sent him another death glare before walking over to you. He wrapped his arm around your waist and lead you out of the door and into the hallway. He kept you close to his side, even taking the bag away from you and carrying it himself as he led you to the elevator of the building. As soon as the doors closed behind you, Nolan leaned back against the elevator wall, his arms crossed. "You never left...did you?"

He looked away from the control panel and over at you. He stood up straight and walked over to you, wrapping you in his arms and hugging you tight. "I told you I wasn't leaving you Y/N." He pulled back and made you looked at him, his face stoic. "I'm not leaving your side ever. Whatever you want to do, I'll support you. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it."

You stared up at him, noticing the way that his eyes took you in and hugged him tighter, pressing your face into his chest. "Take me home, Nol."

#nolan patrick #philadelphia flyers #nolan patrick oneshot #nolan patrick imagine #nhl oneshot #nhl imagine #hockey oneshot #hockey imagine #philadelphia flyers imagine #philadelphia flyers oneshot #my writing

[kae-karo]

Hi Katie! I just want you to know that I want your analysis of this new sims video more than anything and I'll just patiently wait for it... Have a nice day!

hi dear!! new sims vid, did u mean dnp simulator?

dorks spending the first ten seconds dancing in fake snow 

why virtual friends???? ??

my daddies gave to me y’all,,,,,,there’s knowing your branding and then there’s acting on that knowledge and i think this may have been one time where acting on your knowledge maybe was not a good call like ily and u do u and all but

i love phil loving his branding it’s cute also shoutout to @dnpscloset​ thanks for finding it (x) bc i want one now if anyone needs a last minute xmas idea i’m lookin at u mom u always wait til the last minute

same dan, same

‘we all have new faces and new lives and everything’s changed, this is gonna be hella dramatic’ *inhale* *exhale*

‘when u imagine the howlter family’ god they’re such adorable n sentimental nerds i love them

phil’s actual default is bein a leany boye

dnp arguing about what ‘desperate’ actually is as if the entirety of their first year after meeting they weren’t talking as often as they could five hour skype calls amirite

get away from me stalker lmao bold of u to say that danny

phil sweetie i love you with my entire heart he’s so so excited abt the virtual snow i love him

tiny zoom in jumpcut at 2:08 overlapping audio interesting

a mood and a half

phil immediately going ‘yeahhhhh thin walls family hearing things they gotta get out’ abt dab and evan like m8 we get it all u think abt is sex we get it god u and ur husband really are made for each other aren’t u (dnp = devan reference #1)

‘i presume evan is also jobless’ ‘i hope so!’ phil is it really,,,,,,smth to be excited about,,,,,,,

dan’s doin a lot of the hand phone lately u cute boy

we should have a redbull what is wrong with them phil can barely handle having too much sugar y’all thought it was a good idea to have a redbull also we should have a redbull they share literally everything which tbh is probs for the best lbr phil on a whole can of redbull hmmmmm yes ik it’s v possible and in fact probable that phil had his own can let me live

‘it’s a sensible lightweight jacket’ in the fucking snow wow dan u really did just set urself up for phil to drag u about not dressing for the weather

dan’s fucking laugh at 4:39 gives me life literally there is no purer and more adorable sound like that’s up there with kittens purring

‘i think he’s gonna be a bit of a diva in this relationship’ did you mean: dan howell (dnp = devan reference #2)

[slight bit of ankle is showing] dan: ‘and now you’re wearing shorts’

where’s the lie tho honestly that lil pause before he said mate

this clip will live in infamy bc i want this in every fucking phan edit for the rest of time like i can’t even think of the right out-of-context clip right now but anything that can be answered with phil saying ‘it’s dan’ i need it

mandatory phil covering his mouth and bein a cutie

yes destroy gender roles in the snow universe (although seriously dan’s ‘life is just about uncon-doing the horrible conditioning of all these gender stereotypes, phil’ is so important also i stan phil recognizing that before dan i think it’s really easy to forget that just bc up til recently he’s not been as expressive as dan of his opinions on how stupid gender roles are doesn’t mean he doesn’t have just as if not more progressive a mindset than dan)

‘it’s like a dan vs phil’ dnp = devan #3

dan has such a lovely singing voice i miss him singing

dude phil’s eyebrows are making a Solid appearance v expressive

i s2g this is a different moment from the one above he’s just so fricken cute???

‘but they’ve got each other’s backs, phil, just like dab and evan’ yeeeeaaaa i’m gonna go ahead and go with dnp = devan reference #4 here i think that’s fair

snow angels are the least fun thing to do and yet (x - it literally won’t let me put it in bc it’s a privated vid rip)

amazing they just started having a snowball fight how cute n domestic am i talking abt dnp or dab and evan hmmmm - dnp = devan #5

i get that infinity war was a meme but lads it’s time to let it go

‘and they’re called the howlters’ lmao as if u ain’t an honorary lester daniel (dnp = devan #6)

i’m living for phil’s excitement i mean if that’s what redbull does to him i’m here for it i guess?

hi they’re dumb this was cute

‘we don’t want to be those people, but for us personally, we very much found that you just need to just move into a big city of some kind and just jump into life with both feet’ this is not only adorable advice but also where dnp simulator comes into play aka we did this so uhh dab n evan should do it (dnp = devan #7) also dan speaking for them both singular pronouns are quaking

‘don’t trust that�� what on earth are u on abt phil what don’t u trust the fuckin desert or?????

scalyburg phil stop pls we know we get it dan’s a furry ur a scaly we got it

why does dan spend an entire 7 seconds (8:40) adjusting is he moving closer to phil? switching which leg he’s sat on? idk but it lead to me pausing at this moment which was a gift in and of itself

‘the deposit on that one, plus the weekly went would make us instantly broke, so that’s fun, us when we moved to london’ bih do u hear me crying

does dan remember phil’s first manchester apartment what kind of question is that phil have u met dan he probably remembers every bloody inch of that place i mean he did remember that there wasn’t a bedside table so

stop that

middle of the city, romance festival, geekcon, pretty views and cherry blossom trees sounds like dnp’s ideal location do u get why i’m calling it dnp simulator yet also dnp = devan #8

we don’t want to move next to the karaoke legends wow dan bold of u to say after belting helena at 2am real bold

phil having flashbacks to the apt they toured where they found out people died there

hi phil just looks so excited by everything

look i’m not saying anything except they’re managing to find a lot of similarities b.w their lives and what they’re doing for dab and evan okay like this apartment is great for people-watching? which is what phil did in his manchester apt?

context whomst? idk her

shoutout to the wardrobe

big bold life-changing steps

anon spitting truth up in this house (but like,,,,,my thoughts exactly lmao i was like they’re such introverts they would’ve avoided meeting their neighbors at any cost including apparently smacking into a locked door trying to avoid small talk phil we love u bab)

casually mentioning dan saying ‘we are dil-’ was he gonna say dil’s son, maybe but i like to remember the bloops of dan repeatedly calling dab dil so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

omg okay so from like. this point on, when dan’s like ‘here is my vision’, i’m absolutely getting queer eye vibes like amateur queer eye tho like two gay nerds trying to embody queer eye in their lives a bit oh wait

okay okay okay dan u said an ensuite bathroom and then failed to add a door to the bedroom do u understand how frustrating that is???????? do u understand how stressful it was for me to watch that whole damn vid and know that u forgot the door????

a space for hobbies what hobbies who has hobbies

they learned nothing from building their house before: phil should take the mouse away from dan immediately look at him he is such a sugar baby in this jfc

god dan is so cute get these idiots a penthouse apartment super high up so he can have his bath next to a window okay he deserves that in life

stop it they’re literally agreeing on almost every single thing god they literally share a single brain

amazing

leany boye

‘they are young adults moving into their first apartment, you don’t have art!’ okay first of all don’t even go there daniel second of all i’m sorry you’re the one arguing for spending literally all their money but u don’t want to get some art bc it’s unrealistic????

dan saying lovely

phil’s mr carpet

navy??? navy? when did they? why? 

i would get involved in a criminal plot to have that / i’m gonna throw you out of one

wow pro tips makin a comeback

phil is Losing Steam

oh my god okay so i was joking but literally phil is losing steam lmao 18:35 he says ‘ayy’ and it’s so tired-sounding

leany leany boyes

okay look ik dan’s going into ‘aww poor philly’ mode but also he knew that very quickly like honestly that’s not a Thing i would ever notice about someone tbh i’m not saying it’s like Significant but damn danny was really into phil to know that shiz man

the high-fashion gigantic rug of our dreams

okay look i can’t make this up phil literally leans away for a bit and then

hello daniel’s Curl

i stan phil getting excited over plants

dab and evan will be having a mario kart fest will they (dnp = devan #9)

mirroringggggggg

dude big mood god they’re so fond and full of memories 

honestly dnp made it that way like u cannot convince me they didn’t purposely decide to do that mmkay

‘see they are ready to have their romantic dinners. and then they can pretend they have another friend and it’s fine!’ am i talking abt dnp or dab and evan who knows :) (dnp = devan #10) 

cold in the middle what on earth i literally have no memory of that i mean it could just be my shit memory but jfc they just remember that stuff goddamn

scrunchy boyes also phil where’s ur arm at hm

like i’m not fuckin joking where is it

you can’t exist without a computer i mean

what is important in life / the internet

they don’t even have fucking doors and dan’s like ‘uhm they need a terrarium’ dan i’m stressed

oh my god i’m sorry phil is so done with this now it’s actually comical

hi they didn’t add a door for the ensuite

give dnp an interior design series honestly give them any series

phil reached for dan’s hand u cannot convince me otherwise

‘not my personal taste’ really,,,,,really

when dab n evan hug dan looks at the screen n phil looks at the camera things u didn’t need to know but now u do

lmao jumpscared by the kiss

‘i feel like i’ve never nailed anything more in my entire life’ hmmmm hmmmmmmmmmm hm

the fuck was dan’s ‘getting a job’ that’s his fnaf voice u stop that

doon doon doon doon

tongue

hi uhm what the Fuck was that jumpcut at 28:30 i hate Obvious Jumpcuts with a burning passion specifically bc of dnp

#dnp #dan and phil #dapg #phan #danandphilgames #sims #devan #vid analysis #anon #ask #kt

[maknaesdancersrappers]

Warm (14/16)

prologue

cotton, wind, blow, blouse.

hair, flower, aroma, scent.

cold, eyes, ice, dive.

touch, warm, melt, lips.

a/n: i cried writing this one

-

You’ve noticed ever since your 7th anniversary, Taeyong has been distant and jittery around you. It started with him blankly staring at you when you would tell him about your day and it would take a few calls of his name for him to snap out of it. Next, he would always come home late, either from working overtime or hanging out with Johnny ever since he moved back to Seoul from Chicago.

When you consulted your best friend, she said it might be the infamous ‘7-year itch’ that happens between couples; when the relationship starts to recede. You argued that it can’t be because he’s always just as passionate and enthusiastic when you two would fool around in bed.

“Well, maybe he just wants sex. You two are still unbelievably celibate.” She scoffs and under her breath she grumbles, “I still think his pepper is an inch.”

You scold her when you caught what she said, shoving her shoulder.

“Then he’s probably cheating on you! Like, are you sure he’s really working overtime or meeting Johnny?”

You frown at her suggestion, “It’s not like him to lie.”

“Remember that little incident with what’s-her-face and wanting to have him ‘study each other’s anatomy’ back in senior high?”

That left an unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach and it stayed there until you got back home where Taeyong was browsing through the usual stack of papers he brings home from work in the living room.

He looks up from the file he was holding, his eyes a little red and the bags under them were darker than usual. “Oh, hey.” He briefly stands up to kiss your cheek before plopping back down on the couch. “Have you eaten? I made some beef stew.”

“I’m still full… Aren’t you going to bed yet?”

“I will in a while. I’ll just sort these out.”

You nod and get ready for bed, trying to forget the suggestions your best friend had mentioned earlier.

Taeyong clambers onto the bed just a few minutes after you settle in and as he was about to scoop you into his arms and warm you up from the cold airconditioning, his phone rings. He mumbles an apology when he sees your dismayed expression before getting up and answering his phone.

“Why are you calling? Ya! I’m thinking it through, wait, I’m in the same room as her.” He says into his phone in a hushed tone, thinking you didn’t hear him as he slips out the room.

Your chest tightens, thinking what through? And why did it matter that you were in the room.

“Maybe he’s cheating on you.” Your friend’s words echo in your head.

You fell asleep before Taeyong came back to bed and when you woke up the next morning, he was gone already. He left a note by the breakfast he made you, telling you he had to go work early, and you can tell he was in a rush because of his handwriting.

As you dusted your face with setting powder, your gaze lands on the small jewelry box Taeyong had gotten you for your birthday 2 years ago. You haven’t been wearing any of your jewelry since you only used them for night outs or formal events, but today you felt like wearing at least one of them. Upon opening the navy faux leather box, it was a mess of tangled chains of necklaces and bracelets on one side and neatly arranged rows of your earrings where rings are supposed to be. You see the rose pendant he had gotten you before and untangle it from the others. On the leaves, it had his initials and since you felt so distant with him the past weeks, you decided to wear it.

But it had still bothered you all morning about Taeyong’s actions and your friend’s words still haunted the back of your mind. You hated it that it made sense in your head, but you refused to believe any of it. You were so out of it during work that your boss had advised you to take the rest of the day off.

You barely worked in the morning, yet the second you got to your apartment, fatigue started to set in. Without another thought, you open the door and toe off your shoes on the mat. You thought you were seeing things, but you see Taeyong’s loafers--the one he wears to work--on the mat, and what made you feel ten times worse were the black pumps beside it.

“Taeyong?!” You didn’t mean to actually screech, but when you hear more than one hurried footsteps inside the living room, you repeat yourself and stomp towards the noise.

“[Y/N]!” Taeyong awkwardly stands in the middle of the living room, hands behind his back and looking flustered. “W-what are you doing home so early? Are you sick? Are you okay?”

“Am I okay?” You scoff, “Are you okay? What are you doing home so early?”

“I, uh, forgot some papers.”

“Oh, did you?” He nods his head at your question. “Did you bring a co-worker with you, huh?”

His eyebrows furrowed together and as if a lightbulb went off in his head, his eyes widened. “Uhm, I--”

“Where is she?” You demand as you looked around the room. When you feel his hand on your shoulder, you push him off and glare at him with wet eyes. “Are you cheating on me?”

“No! You know I would never even think of that!”

“Then whose heels are on the mat?”

“Miyoung’s!”

You and Taeyong had never screamed at each other like this.

“Who the hell is that?!”

“Johnny’s girlfriend!”

And as if on cue, the front door shuts and Johnny’s voice booms, “Hey, Taeyong, the flower shop only had peach roses, [Y/N] is fine with that, right--oh…” He walks into view with a three large bouquets of the roses he was just talking about. “A-am I late?”

On the corner of your vision, you see Taeyong shake his head while covering his face with a hand.

“Late for what?” You asked, calming down a bit.

Suddenly, a girl runs out from the laundry room and went straight for Johnny. She looks at you with a tight smile. “Hi, uhm, I wish we met on better circumstances, but I think it’s best that Johnny and I leave. Let’s go, hun.”

“Wait, what’s happening?” Johnny looks at her and back at Taeyong, but she hushes him.

“Hush, Taeyong can handle this.” She says, glancing at him and gives him a thumbs up, mouthing “You got this.”

When they left, you turn to Taeyong and wait for him to explain.

“Uhm, do you want to sit down first?”

“No, I’m good standing up.”

He sighs, “Okay. Uhm…” His eyes fall on your neck, making him reach out and touch the necklace you wore. “You haven’t worn this in a while.”

“Don’t change the topic. What the hell is happening?” You snap at him and he offers you an apologetic smile.

“When I bought this, the store also had these rings; really expensive rings. And I knew I didn’t have the money to buy them so I didn’t think much of it until I saw this one particular ring. I immediately thought of you and I don’t know why I did, but when the lady who sold me this necklace offered to reserve the ring for at most 3 months, I took it.” He pauses to swallow. “After I gave you this necklace, I started working different part time jobs so I can save up for the ring. I didn’t even have enough when the 3 months were up, but my mom lent me the money because she knows how much I wanted it for you-- how much I love you.”

Taeyong pulls out a square box from his back pocket and you recognize the packaging as the same one that came with the necklace from years ago. “So I’ve had this for 4 years because I didn’t know when to give it you; I kept waiting for the right time, and if you came home a little later, I could have given it to you like I planned.”

You stare up at him, “But, we already celebrated our anniversary… w-what’s with today that you have to ask Johnny and his girlfriend for help?”

He inhales deeply, closing his eyes as he slowly exhales. With one last breath, he gets on one knee and holds your hand, gazing into your eyes.

“I swear to God, I had a whole spiel to tell you, but you came too early and now I can’t remember most of it.” He chuckles, “And I feel like I should apologize for taking so long to do this, but [Y/N], you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’re patient and understanding with me, you know how to put up with me, and I’m--I’m me because of you. I loved you for 7 years and I promise to love you even more for the next years to come,” He opens up the square box and reveals the most elegant ring you’ve ever seen. “Will you marry me?”

You don’t even realize that you had held your breath or that you’ve began crying until you attempted to answer him. “Wait, I just feel so stupid for thinking that you were cheating on me.”

He shushes, vehemently shaking his head. “No, no, it’s okay. Please answer me, baby. One word, yes or no. And whatever it is, I’ll accept it.”

You choke back your tears at the thought of him understanding if you reject his proposal, “Of course, it’s a yes!” You pull him up from the floor and throw your arms around his shoulders.

He hugs you back, wrapping his arms around your waist and you feel it: the warmth of his body that you missed so much; the warmth that made you feel that you were home.

“Is this really happening?”

He laughs, breaking the hug off to put the ring on your finger. “Why? Are you having second thoughts?”

“No!” You cry, briefly admiring the ring before returning your attention on Taeyong, who wipes your tears with his thumb, “Never.”

-

a/n:  i will always cry while writing marriage proposals bc its the only time i allow myself to be so cheesy and im so soft rn it didnt help that taeyong had apple hair for inkigayo :c

this is still open  (u kno if anyone else is interested in getting to know me)

follow me on twitter? @ohyesjaehyun

#nct #nct u #nct 127 #nct 2018 #nct scenarios #taeyong scenarios

[hairringtonsteve]

biology notes (1).

Welcome to the Four Horsemen collab fic! Each of us will be writing and posting parts of this story, but you never know who is going to post the next part, so keep your eyes peeled on all of our blogs!

Dot: @stevesdacre

Emma: @hairringtonsteve

Lidi: @letmeletmetrashyourlove

Rachael: @dacrethehalls

PART ONE (this one!)

PART TWO (tba)

PART THREE (tba)

PART FOUR (tba)

billy hargrove x reader & steve harrington x reader 

fic summary: the reader is the new girl at hawkins, and let’s just say that she ends up catching the eye of a few boys in school. 

word count: 1, 773

a/n: so, surprise! this is going to be an interesting fic, because we’ve all agreed that no one actually knows what’s going to happen. the only person that’s read this is @stevesdacre because she edited it. lidi and rachael have no idea what’s going to happen, and only the person writing it controls what happens next. so i’ve got no idea what’s going to happen from here on out! be sure to follow everyone else because it’s a surprise as to who’s going to post next - and honestly i’m the worst at remembering this stuff. rachael and lidi have harassed me like 20 times bc i keep asking questions.

“There’s nothing to worry about. Everything’s going to be the exact same.”

Mom kept saying that over and over again as we packed up the car and drove from Antioch, California to our new home in Hawkins. It had been three days of reassurances that everything would be fine, that Christmas would be the same, and that nothing would change. Which was fine and dandy, except for the fact that I was stuck with explaining to Matty that yes, Santa would find us despite us moving so close to Christmas, and no, he wouldn’t get coal for whispering fuck as we pulled away from the only home we’d ever known.

I was also stuck with the honor of getting Matty ready for school, which meant waking up a half hour early and rooting through the closet for something that would suffice for the freezing temperatures of Hawkins.

I ended up having to feed the kid breakfast too, which had been an issue all on its own. The worst, though, was getting this kid ready for the bus.

“Do you think Dad will be here soon?” Matty asked me, looking up at me with his big, brown eyes. I held out his coat and motioned for him to shove his arms through. Neither of our coats were very thick, but they did the trick for the most part.

“Mom said he just needed to finish up at work, remember?” My stomach twisted at the sidestepping, but Matty didn’t know about the heated, whispered conversations at two in the morning, or how Dad hadn’t actually slept in the house for two weeks. “Everything’s going to the same, trust me.”

I was going to throw up.

“You’re sure that Santa will find us, right? Did you send him the new address?” 

“Of course I did. I’m not stupid. One of the elves called last night and said we didn’t even have to do that. They keep tabs on all the first graders.”

“That makes sense,” he said with a shrug. I bit back my grin as I nodded towards the front door.

“Let’s go, little man. We’ve got school.” The rumble of the school bus could be heard as it approached, coughing and gurgling as the driver eased on the brakes. Matty practically launched himself away from me, backpack hanging off of one shoulder as he jumped down the steps. “Have a good day!” I yelled, laughing as he waved haphazardly over his shoulder. The little shit didn’t even look at me.

“Matty get off to school?” Mom’s voice was rough. It was hard to tell if was due to lack of sleep, or the soft sobs I’d heard early into the morning. Odds are, it was both.

“Yeah, he did.” I slid my jacket on, reaching down for my backpack, careful not to look at her. I could handle a lot of things on my first day of school, but I couldn’t handle Mom breaking. Not then. “I’ll see you after school, okay? 

“Okay,” she said. Her voice was softer that time. I gave in, and my chest squeezed. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hands shaking a little as she stood there in her robe. I felt frozen, like I was facing down my future in that entryway.

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, baby.” She wasn’t looking me in the eye, instead focusing on the fascinating vomit-colored shag carpeting. For a brief moment of insanity, I wondered if it was some weird omen.

It was awkward, the two of us just standing there. Neither one of us moved, but after a handful of seconds, I gave her a half wave and bolted out the door. The wind has a sharp chill to it, and I tugged my jacket closer to my body. It wasn’t a long walk to the high school, but snot was practically dripping out of my nose the entire way there, which made it feel like hours.

It shouldn’t have been surprising that the rest of the morning continued to suck. But small town school were supposed to be filled with nice people, right? Hawkins had apparently missed that memo. Every teacher seemed to be scowling, and the students were clustered together, occasionally offering me curious looks.

By the time biology rolled around, I felt like I was ten seconds away from crying. Lunch had been horrendous. I’d somehow managed to forget my money, and the guy with the nice hair behind me had ended up paying for it. Probably because I’d started stuttering and was holding up the line. 

Biology felt like my breaking point, though. I stepped into the classroom, and twenty-four pairs of eyes turned to focus on me.

“Class, this is Y/N. She’s from - where is it?”

“California. Antioch,” I clarified, ignoring how my voice shook. The last thing I wanted was for a bunch of hormonal teenagers to gawk as I burst into tears. The teacher - her name was Mrs. Dowd, or something - was staring at me, like she expected me to elaborate. Two painstakingly long moments passed before she sighed.

“Take a seat, then. Next to…  Mr. Hargrove.” She nodded her head towards a boy in the back, clad in an unbuttoned red shirt and a rather unsightly mullet. “Mr. Hargrove,” she snapped, his head snapping up from whatever he’d been engrossed with. His gaze flickered over me, slow and confident, taking his time. Something in my chest twisted, but it wasn’t like earlier. It wasn’t that sick-to-my-stomach, going to vomit feeling. This was different, an improvement.

It felt like walking down death row, in a way. The students still stared, but now girls were whispering as I stepped passed them. Mullet-Boy was still watching me. I gripped my notebook and pencil a little tighter in my arms as I made my way to the back of the room. Sliding onto the stool, I set my stuff down and leaned my elbows against the top.

“You’re from California?” Mullet-Boy asked, his voice quiet as Mrs. Dowd started to drone about mitochondria. Antioch High had covered that in the beginning of the school year.

“That’s what I said.” He chuckled, a low sound that sent shivers down my spine.

“Me too.” I glanced over to him, cocking a brow. “San Diego,” he continued, pointing to himself 

“Cool for you.” It wasn't that I hated being talk to during class, but Mrs. Dowd kept glancing our way, a disapproving frown gracing her features.

“I'm Billy,” he said, leaning a little towards me. He had an elbow on the table, almost touching the crappy microscope that looked to be about a hundred years old. He didn't seem to get the message. His eyes were nice, though, and his little smirk wasn't the worst thing to look at.

“Y/N,” I responded, giving in. His smirk widened 

“Nice to meet you, Y/N,” he drawled. I let out a soft hum in response, averting my eyes to the chalkboard. It didn't help, though. I could feel his gaze burning into me, begging me to look at him.

I managed to keep my eyes off of him for a whole three minutes. I would have managed longer, but the second Mrs. Dowd turned her back to the class, he was leaning too far into my personal space.

“Can you back off, man? Jesus.” i turned my head to him, noting the wide grin playing on his mouth. He was a little closer than I'd realized, but not so much that it startled me.

“I was just going to ask if you wanted to borrow my notes.” I glanced down to his notebook, and to my surprise, there were actual notes scribbled down. There weren't a lot, but there was something.

“Oh, um, thanks. I've got my notes from my old school's bio, though. And I'm pretty sure that my notes are more… comprehensive.”

“You think I could borrow your notes sometime?” There was something in his voice and how his lips curled that told me he didn't give a rat’s ass about biology notes.

“I'm sure that…” I trailed off, glancing throughout the room. Girls diverted their gazes, every single one looking away - all except for one. She held my gaze, a hint of a scowl on her face. “She'd love to let you borrow her notes,” I finished, nodding my head in her direction. Billy rolled his eyes. 

“Carol? Her notes are shit. I'd learn more about biology reading a math book than I would looking at her notes,” he said. His words made me chuckle. His eyes widened a little, his smirk leaning towards more of a grin. “You know, I think you-”

“Mr. Hargrove, are you planning on talking to Miss. Y/L/N for the entire duration of the class?” 

“Just letting her see my notes, ma'am. I'm trying to make her feel welcome to Hawkins.” There wasn't anything suggestive about his tone, but my stomach flipped anyways. Without meaning to, I stole a quick glance towards him. My eyes started at the top and worked their way down, stopping at the sight of his unbuttoned shirt, and what laid beneath it. My cheeks burned a bright red. I set my jaw and turned to face the chalkboard.

For the rest of the class, Billy kept quiet. I'd notice anytime he turned his head in my direction, but I wouldn't let him win.

The end of class came faster than I'd expected, and suddenly everyone was packing up their things. I slid off of the stool, letting myself glance over to Billy. He was chatting with some dark haired guy, bits and pieces of their conversation drifting over.

Apparently, they played basketball.

I slipped out of the classroom before he had a chance to say anything to me. He seemed like a flirt, but nice enough. Weirdly enough, he'd made me feel a little more at home. That cocky, annoying California asshole shtick was more comforting than anything Mom had said over the last couple of days. 

I must have been too caught up in my thoughts because the next thing I knew, my shoulder was colliding into someone else’s, and papers went flying everywhere.

“Oh God, I am so sorry!” I burst out, kneeling down to pick up the scattered notes.

“Oh, it's fine. No worries,” the voice said. I looked up, eyes widening when I realized just who it was. The hair gave it away. 

“I, uh, should have been watching where I was going.”

“Like I said, no worries.” He grinned at me. “So how was your lunch?”

taglist: @alwaysmebeforeyou @istanuriss @smittyjaws @myblackwings5 @morgandakotaq @rivedale @laterg8r @buckybass @airforcecollins @superanonymousreader @ambeazyyy @harringtonhuddle @nicospaten @selenedarkbloom @samuel-maurice455 @lilo-1398 @thevortexclubposse @laurennicole1313 @inspiredbynewt

striked out names are the ones that tumblr wouldn’t let me tag!!

#billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove/reader #stranger things x reader #stranger things #stranger things/reader #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington/reader #steve harrington #billy hargrove #stranger things 2 #stranger things headcanon #reader insert #stranger things fic #billy hargrove fic #steve harrington fic

[sweeeeerve]

We met in the summer. The summer before sophomore year. He was the boy, who always smoked us out, quiet type. Poor, like me, and had a mom just like mine, so I thought. In active addiction. June 25. The day he kissed me. We were high as hell at his grandmas. And he kissed me. And that was it. So I thought. And 2 weeks later at 16 and 17, we moved in together. Now for y’all to properly understand this story, it has to be all over the place. So for the first year things were good. It was the first real relationship I had. I did everything for him. And everything with him. I learned to do so much , to cook, to clean. Everything. That first year was nothing but love and four wheelers and adventures. He didn’t come from the best family. They were ALL addicts and very poor. Like I said before we both were poor but I was a little bit better off than him. So being together. We never planned on living that life, or being addicts. Yes we both smoked weed but we both saw what drugs did to people, hard drugs and decided than, that wasn’t gonna be us. We didn’t always make the best choices. And looking back now all we wanted was money, to do better for ourself and even tho we got a little blindsided. It didn’t start that way. So he started selling. And things were good. We had money and lots of things. We went to prom, his first and only prom, he bought his own suit and I’d never seen him happier. He was proud. It still one of my favorite memories. It was something he never would’ve got without selling. Things like this weren’t important or celebrated in his family. This same year, I bought him his first every cake. Imagine that 18 years no cake. I also made his first thanksgiving and got him his first tree. Me and him and my mom and all his family did this all together. Even tho they weren’t shit. We loved them. And they loved us. We had been so use to dysfunctional, its all we ever knew. So after the first year. Things went down hill. I still remember how. It was summer. And we stopped selling. I was working now. And things were good but we had already got a taste of the money, of the selling, and it’s hard to not go back to that. That’s what he knew and what he was good at, but it had become to risky. So to help out more, he also got a job, fencing with his brother in law. Now it was the summer before my junior year and his senior year. He was cutting the grass and had just got out of work. I was so proud of him. My dad has left years ago and left me and my mom a house. And nobody had cut the grass in years. It meant more to me than he knew. So I went to the store and bought a 24 pack of beer to surprise him and thank him. I look back and think maybe if I didn’t do that my life would be different. Because after that pack, he bought one, well at least one almost every day after. That whole summer we fought and He Drank. And turned to a drug, we didn’t do. There was days I would make him meal, after meal, after meal, and he still wouldn’t eat. I would cry thinking maybe it was my cooking or me. It was the cocaine. I was so young, I couldn’t tell. Thinking about how stupid I was. Hurts me. Physically. When school started I couldn’t get him to go, I cried every morning begging him to go and he wouldn’t. He quit his senior year. Later this year is when we broke up. He moved back home and Started selling again. It wasn’t long before he got busted. I remember finding out he was in jail. It crazy because the night before he cried to come over and I told him no and then he got raided. Imagine if I would have let him, he would’ve never got that first charge... they locked him up and he was gone for a while it was so hard for me. It was the first time we were really, really away from each other. Shorty after he was released and we got back together. I then moved into his house. After jail, it changed him. It put into perspective that he came from this shit and will prolly die in it. This is when the abuse started. I remember all the time in pieces, not in order. I try my hardest to block it out. The first time was at his house....

He beat the living shit out of me. I was confused. It was something I never experienced. After it was over I layed there feeling not so much as person but an object. He cried that day and told me he was so sorry. And I believed him. But that night when I layed my head next to his, I questioned if he really did. And even tho he said it was the last. It was the beginning to so much more. After that it was always a slap or a punch. He even kicked me off my back porch which was 5 feet off the ground. There would be nights, he would hold me at his house all night, beating me, then having sex with me, then repeating it all. He’s chipped my tooth, sprained my hand, left me black eyes, bruises. Thrown me, hit me.I think the worst was when he would choke me, one time I passed out, that day I think I even scared him. And during all this I stayed and even to this day I can say I love him still. Now if that isn’t sick and twisted idk what is. It’s not fair that you can love someone who hurts you so much. We broke up the again on my birthday September 7 2019 and later in March of 2020 he was arrrested again and did six month. We did get back together during this time, and it was rough. I did everything for him while he was in jail. But I wasn’t faithful. I hurt him: I cheated while he was in there. And lied to his face. I know this is what broke him. Completely. But after everything he did to me. I was finally free for the first time. 6 months no abuse no crazy ex. I know it was wrong. And when he got out he ghosted me. He completely ignored me until one day he invites me over. It has been so long since I had seen him and even after what I did to him and what he did to me. All I wanted to do was see him. And so I went. And for 12 hours I got the worst beating I’ve ever had in my life. I cried all night. He was drunk and hurt and found out about what I did. He didn’t let me leave. Until the morning. When he finally fell asleep I remember laying there, feeling dead inside. Like my body was there and alive but not my soul. I left. So now you’re here. And your thinking “she has to be done w him” but no. After this in the summer I keep my distance but when my birthday rolls around. He comes to see me. And I go. Now this time I had been talking to this boy. Who was just like him, but nicer, and while I’m there that boy gets arrested I’ll never be able to prove it but I know he had something to do with it. I left and cried myself to sleep that night. I was so happy but I let him back in. My weakness. And ruined everything. So I stayed away again. Until just recently he called again. I gave in and answered and started hanging out again. Now I have four felony charges bc we went on a high speed chase and he let me take everything while he ran. This to me was the last straw. I put up with so much for him to do that to me. I loved him and still love him so much. He has so much potential, we had so many plans and things we were gonna do and see. I feel like a part of me died. He’s not even the same person anymore. I’m mourning the loss of a person who still alive. He’s currently in jail looking at so much prison time. And like I said it’s so hard. Thinking about the life we wanted, and the life we are a actually living now seems UNREAL. Part of me wants to believe that the guy I met that summer is still there. But the other part of me knows he’s gone. And that maybe in another life we got it right but not this one. No amount of love or hopes or dreams can fix this. Or maybe he was never there.

#sadgirl #domestic #abuse #drugs #year: 2017 #Texas #wannabe author

[derryhawkins]

Growing Fame (1/??)

summary: A modern AU where the losers are semi-famous for different things, and when they all run into each other at a certain event, all of their fans go bat-shit crazy – wanting the seven to spend more time together. What they didn’t expect even more than that, though, was a well-known and mean journalist to write bad reviews on them all. Their growing fame could soon shrink, they quickly realized. warnings: nothing, really; swearing. pairings: not yet decided a/n: I am excited for this, not gonna lie. To sum up the reasont that they’re famous: Most of the losers are YouTubers. Stan, Eddie, and Bill are this funny famous trio who used to be on Vine. Bev is a make up/FX artist. Mike is a singer on YouTube who’s slowly getting famous. Richie’s in a band. & Ben makes educational history vids with the occasional blog of him & Mike together bc they’re bffs. Hope you guys enjoy!! 

oh & this is like 2.4k words, so beware bc its a bit long.

CH 1 | CH 2 | CH 3

Day Off

Mike Hanlon laid on the couch in his apartment – head propped up by cushion, a guitar on his stomach, clothes mismatched from being lazy, and his golden retriever laying beside the couch while the black cat was curled between his feet. He strummed the guitar and hummed a tune of one of his songs with his eyes closed. He was simply relaxing, enjoying the time by himself with his two lovely pets. He could faintly hear his friend in the guest bedroom, an occasional yell being heard that made Mike halt his strumming for a short second before starting again. The dark skinned male had no idea what his friend was doing but he didn’t matter. He had a day off.

A day off from working his ass off to get his EP done for his fans – a surprise for them, actually. Mike was a singer/song writer on YouTube who had just recently been signed a record label deal for the next five years. He had been working on the EP before, but now it’s basically officially official that it will all happen. The work was tiresome, surprisingly. He stood in a studio all day, singing his heart out, and it was fun, don’t worry, but he just couldn’t help but feel that he needed everything for it to be perfect. Besides, he needed one more song plus the name for the EP and he had no idea what to do for those two things.

He was in a writing slump and all the names for EP he came up with sounded idiotic. But he had to admit that this all beat working at the family farm. He loved it there, too; he loved all the animals and spending time with family. But he also loved music, and once his grandfather agreed that Mike could give the music career a go, he was ecstatic.

Mike halted his strumming and humming once again as the guest bed room flung open. His eyes opened as well when the sound of footsteps were heard to be coming closer, and as Sandy the golden retriever lifted her head. Not too soon later, Ben Hanscom stood in the living room with a fowl expression and crossed arms. It was rare to see Ben so upset at somethings, so Mike quickly sat up.

Ben and Mike had been friends ever since they started college together a couple years ago. At the time, Mike was working on becoming an engineer with the side job of music - just playing at little venues to get the money with the occasional video up on YouTube just like he had done in high school. But once his videos got more popular and as he realized that music could be his career, he focused more on the music. Still, though, he was working on a minor in engineering with a major for general studies. It wasn’t too much to handle.

Ben had become Mike’s roommate. He was in love, and still is, with history. All his life he had been fascinated by it, and he was glad to know Mike didn’t find it annoying; the boy actually agreed. At some point in time he started putting up videos explaining history and doing little cartoons along with it; the first video got pretty popular pretty quickly, surprising both boys, and now two years later Ben has a contract with a company that pays him. He posts explanatory and educational videos of history. He also has a vlog, just posting there once in a while when there’s a longer time period in between videos.

So, the two boys knew each other pretty well. After two years of dealing with each other, becoming close friends, and slowly rising to popularity together, both of them noticed what made the other tick. What made them annoyed, or happy, or scared, or angry. So Mike Hanlon was pretty quick to pick up on Ben Hanscom’s annoyance.

“Dude, everything okay?” Mike asked carefully, making sure not to accidentally kick Salem (yes he named the cat after the black cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, okay?) as he moved his legs. Salem was quick to leave.

“We need to go to comic con this year.”

Mike stared for a moment before cracking a smile. “Is that why you’re pissed?” He asked.

“Mike, we missed last year, okay? We can’t miss two years in a row! I need to dress up as Star Lord at least once in my life without getting weird looks and to geek over Game of Throwns with other people.”

“I geek about it.”

“You complain about the nudity.”

“Well, I watch the show for the action; not the sex scenes!”

For a few seconds the two twenty year olds were quiet, staring at one another, waiting to see if the conversation was going to turn into a debate that they usually had when Game of Throwns was brought up. Was there too much nudity in the show? Mike often with yes, most of the time, while Ben said it was fine; they once got in an argument about it in a public place and the looks they got made them regret having being so loud about it.

Thankfully, though, neither boy continued on with the subject. Ben uncrossed his arms and shrugged as he said, “Anyway, we’re going to comic con.”

“Alright, fine. Need me to buy the tickets?”

“Ah, no, I have the money. Thanks for offering, though, Mike,” Ben told him.

The taller boy gave a smile and nodded. “Welcome, B.”

“Hey, guys, I have a day off from school and work and editing videos, so here I am doing a live stream! With Stan and Bill!”

“I was forced into this,” Stanley Uris’ voice sounded as he situated himself in front of the propped up phone. He gave a small glare to Eddie Kaspbrak but at seeing the smaller boy smile innocently at him, he rolled eyes and smiled back. “It’s barely started and I already regret this.”

“Aw S-Stan, it won’t even last th-thuh-thirty minutes,” Bill Denbrough said. He refrained from making a face as he stuttered; most of the time he didn’t now a days, but once in a while it would pop up. Stan glanced over at him and shrugged. He had already sat down on the other side of Eddie, one arm thrown around the back of Eddie’s chair and the other in his lap as he held his phone.

The three boys were known for goofing off in front of the camera together on YouTube. It used to be Vines, once upon a time. Bill and Eddie started out there and soon Stan joined and they had both separate accounts and a joint account where they would constantly make stupid yet funny videos together. They got pretty famous, too, so once Vine ceased to exist, they moved on YouTube. Still stupid but funny. Once in a while ranting videos. An occasional vlog here and there. Then the rare live stream, something Eddie decided to do today.

“Anyway, we are here to answer some questions!” Eddie exclaimed, clapping his hands together and giving a smile. “So ask away.”

Bill leaned forward to read one of the many comments.  “ ‘BILL’,” he paused and laughed at the fact that his name was in all caps, “ ‘What’s is like living with Stan and Eddie?’ Oh, wow- o-okay. Not that bad, actually. They’re both nice and neat people. I’m the messy one, they clean up after me a lot.”

“No one likes your dirty socks under the couch, William,” Stan informed him with a teasing attitude. Bill flipped him off but they all laughed.

“ ‘When will Bill’s book be done’?” Stan read the next question. He then turned to look at Bill, who gave a shrug and a nod. Stan nodded back before answering. “Sometime in November! We’re excited about it. Bill won’t let us read it until then, so we’ve been stuck to waiting with you guys.”

“It’s a surprise, idiots,” the tallest male explained.

They then went on and answered more questions. Are you guys going to comic con in 2 weeks? The answer was an enthusiastic yes from all three boys. When will we get another video of Stan with the birds? Stan had answered sometime soon, when the raining whether outside was sunshine instead. Then they got questions about the different types of birds and Stan grinned the entire time answering the ones he could. Then Eddie answered one about how his nursing major was going; despite being popular in the media, Eddie still went to school.

They all did. He didn’t want to be left in the dust, having to work random jobs, when they decide to stop making videos, so he decided nursing would do just fine. Bill majored in English and constantly had papers to write, but still somehow found time to write his upcoming book and make videos with his two friends, even sometimes his little brother, Georgie, back at home. Stan decided to just do general studies but then also decided to minor in World Religions. Between all of that, he also had a wide knowledge of birds.

“ ‘Favorite bands’?” Eddie read one of the comments after complaining about his lack of sleep. “Imagine Dragons,” he quickly answered.

“The Records,” Bill said at the same time, excitement evident on his features and in his voice.

“Who the fuck are The Records?” Stan asked.

Eddie pointed at their Jewish friend, “I’m with Stan on this one.”

Bill grinned. “Remember that guy I told you about who made dick jokes and your mom jokes a lot at my high school?”

“Oh, no,” Eddie groaned with a grimace on his face.

Stanley frowned and rolled his eyes. “Your best friend until you came here?”

“He’s still my best friend! I’m bitter that you guys haven’t met him yet, but he’s in a band called The Records. He’s the lead singer, too, and they’re good. They got a record deal last year and they’ve been getting more popular since.”

“Huh,” came from both Eddie and Stan.

“Maybe I’ll give them a listen,” Stan muttered.

“He sounds annoying from all the things you’ve told us about it. But good for his band, I guess,” Eddie said. He glanced at his phone and chuckled at one of the comments. My aesthetic: Bill gushing about his friends and promoting them. He read it out loud, which just caused everyone to laugh and agree with the fan.

Shortly after, the livestream on Instagram ended and three boys piled out of the apartment and went to dinner.

Richie Tozier was grinning from ear to ear by the end of the live stream that had his best friend in it - the best friend that wasn’t Beverly Marsh, of course. He laughed slightly and laid across his bed. It was no secret that Richie watched every livestream, YouTube video, vlog, or whatever that Bill Denbrough was in; they were best friends in high school and supported each other then. He wasn’t going to stop supporting the guy now just because they lived in different cities.

(And, no, he wasn’t watching the smaller boy’s videos daily; just the one’s with Bill. He didn’t follow Eddie Kaspbrak on all social media platforms, either, no he did not).

(Fucking liar).

Richie went to the message app and sent Bill a text.

to Big Bill: aw bill u sure ur not in love with me???

He got a quick response.

from Big Bill: i’m in love with chicken wings, rich, how many times do we have to discuss this

to Big Bill: until the die I day to Big Bill: wait to Big Bill: until the day I die!

from Big Bill: fucking hell

Richie laughed and exited out of the app. He was about to go onto Twitter, to see if there was any drama regarding anything interesting, when his door flung open to reveal his redheaded best friend standing there with a pissed off expression. Richie raised an eyebrow. She should be on a date; he should be having the rest of the day to himself. He quickly sat up and rolled off of his bed and walked over to Beverly.

“Bev, what happened?” He asked. He could slowly feel himself getting pissed at whatever the situation was.

Beverly Marsh was like his sister and damned be any girl or guy who hurt her feelings. They met a year ago, outside of the a club after being kicked out for being underage. Ever since then, they’ve been inseparable. They got an apartment together not even three months after knowing each other; that’s how well they got along. Of course, though, they got into their little quarrels and fights but not once did they say they hated the other or that they wanted to move out. There was like an unspoken agreement to never say those words.

“Do I need to fight her? I will, just say the word!”

Beverly rolled her eyes yet there was a tiny smile on her lips that soon vanished as quick as it came. The scowl was back and Richie could faintly see tears building up in her eyes. “She didn’t fucking show,” she seethed out finally. “I mean, last time she had actually came and gave an explanation before leaving right after. But this time she fucking- I sat there for nearly two hours! It was humiliating, Rich.”

Richie sighed and extended his arms. “Do you need a hug?”

“No,” Bev shook her head. But she glanced up and slouched her shoulders at seeing the look on Richie’s face. “Fine,” she sighed. She was then instantly pulled into a bone crushing hug by the lead singer of The Records. She didn’t hesitate to hug back. “I’m going to go plan out my next make up video later. Can I do yours again sometime soon?”

“Sure can, Bev. Oh, and guess what I got tickets for today,” Richie told her. A smirk formed on his lips.

Beverly pulled away from the hug and looked up at him after wiping under her eyes. She had blinked back most of the tears but still some leaked out.

“Dude, no way?” She asked, excited about it all even though Richie didn’t actually say the words. They have both been talking about it for days now, not knowing if they could actually get tickets.

“Yes way! Get your costume ready, Miss Marsh, because we’re going to comic con!”

#give this some love and attention if like this bc I'm low key anxious about this #the losers club #modern au #*growing fame #it #it 2017 #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #bill denbrough #ben hanscom #mike hanlon #beverly marsh #stan uris #beverie #stenbrough #reddie #stike #bichie #streddie #steddie #stozier #pls don't hate me for adding all the ships bc idk which ships will be in this so i'm being prepared #my writing #fic

[flyingcookierambles]

hhh

got afab’d at the eye doctor today arrgh

i wouldve corrected him but like. i doubt that ill go there again since it was like a super quick kinda-non emergency thing and i have a regular eye doctor i go to. also my mom was in the room and like. i didnt wanna bring it up with her there and all but like. uugh.

he just like immediately picked female on the gender option even tho there was an other option and everything wtf?????????????

hmmm also i had to go to the doctors for a quick check up/physical thing since im/my mom is going to make me get my drivers license and you have to have a doctors note and all and i went to my moms doctor or the first time since i aged out of my pediatrician. and like? they had me and my mom in the same room which was kinda weird???? like for the whole patient confidentiality thing (which wouldve been useless since like my mom knows more abt my medical history than me) and like also the whole. pandemic thing??? like?? it was me, my mom, and the nurse practitioner crammed into a tiny basic exam room?? maybe bc my mom has been going to this doctors’ office for a long time and also since we’re family, they must’ve figured taht we both dont have covid and couldnt spread it to each otehr like other random patients who are strangers to each other but still. it was. annoying.

the nurse asked me some questions about like my medical history. and all and i couldnt answer some of it bc i dont remember exact dates/times and stuff. but also she asked if i had been diagnosed with depression or anything and like if my mom wasnt in the room, i wanted to say that my mom wont let me see a therapist and/or be diagnosed. 

so like when i turned 18 i had a final check up at my former pediatrician before they kicked me out of the system lol. i am p sure that it was for shots and stuff that i needed for college???

anyways despite being 18, they had my mom in the room with me the whole time. and then they gave me a worksheet that was a basic “do you have depression” test. and the doctor left, but my mom was allowed to stay??? 

and like. since i was starting college and stuff at the time, and also was/am causing my lower middle class family great financial hardship in the form of college tuition and student loans with predatory interest rates and increasing the chances of losing our house bc, with the combo of my dad dying and the recession of the early 2000′s and general declining quality ever since earlier mentioned death, our family business sucks and we barely make any money. also my mom keeps complaining about this to me and it constantly hangs over my head and i feel guilty about being a dumbass who cant get a job and repay the stupid loans (how tf is interest rates on student loans legal??? fuck capitalism????) (uuughghgh i feel like my mom should get herself a therapist or smth instead of constantly complaining to her eldest agab child uuuhghghghgh. id make one of those eldest d*ughter jokes but im not a g*rl so eldest child lol)

anyways yeah so like 4 years ago when i was starting college and also today to a degree i felt like a massive piece of shit and had social anxiety and also probably depression that is only kept at bay by constantly distracting myself with anime and video game. and like. maybe??? i couldve benefited from talking to a therapist or counselor or getting medication????? instead of?? like?? whatever my obsession with anime and video games is???

buuuuuuut since the pediatrician let my mom stay in the room for some reason, my mom, a boomer who knows nothing of mental health and is kinda insensitive about it so its super cringe to talk to her abt stuff, was like “you’re not depressed. youre a middle class kid who’s never like starved or whatever. just answer 1 on everything.” (the scale of depression was like 1 - not feeling depressed much to 5 - i feel like this everyday.)

so yeah????? 

wow sorry doctor i cant answer half your questions about my medical history bc im either adopted and dont know my own genetics or my mom wont let me get tested for mental illness?????????????

once at 2018 or 19 tekko, i wanted to go into the dnd room and like i got so socially anxious i had a crying breakdown in the freaking hallway and had to like. sit down alone and try to look normal by playing my 3ds on the floor. like i hovered outside the door to the dnd room for a whole hour just like staring in and wanting to go in really badly but i couldnt???? i just???? cried????? in public????????? had a breakdown or something at an anime convention??????????????? i like dont even know what the heck happened 2 years ago or if that’s what it would be called but like????????? im pretty sure that mentally healthy people with no social anxiety problems dont stand outside a room for half an hour and then start crying bc you cant bring yourself to go into the room even tho the door is like wide open?????????? thankfully i finally just like went in and joined a the last game session of the day, but it was still like surreal to me?????? i just??? extremely loathed myself for like an hour for crying and not being able to walk thru a doorway it was so weird i felt like absolute garbage and im p sure that normal ppl dont go thru that??????

since i only make like. $11 an hour at a retail job im not really sure if i can even afford a therapist, and then theres also transportation and also the whole pandemic thing. but ive been thinking about like 7cups or something. there was also this other website that showed you therapists that were uniquely qualified for treating poc/queer/neurodivergent/etc., ppl in your area and there was surprisingly a few in the pittsburgh area that i could probs get to by bus, so maybe ill save money and go like. next year or something. or like. whenever the pandemic is over.

#idk man #rambles