#and i am just so sick and tired of living in this household that treats me both like a child and adult | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

golbrocklovely · 1 year

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personal rant incoming lol

tw: mentions of suicide/self esteem issues but isnt about that, mostly just me bitching about my mother

i love my mom with all of my heart. i literally take care of her as much as humanly possible. she does so much for me and continues to do so much for me. i literally tell her i love her every time i leave my room and pass hers. anytime we finish talking i tell her i love her. that's how we've always been towards one another. her, me, and my brother.

BUT I SWEAR SOMETIMES SHE WANTS ME TO PROVE HER DEEPEST FEAR RIGHT: that she's a bad mother and that i secretly blame her for everything wrong in my life.

there have been times when my mom will do the whole "well i guess i'm a terrible mother" act when i complain about my life, or a lot of times she will blame how both me and my brother treat ourselves on her not teaching us how to love ourselves. for example my brother struggles with self esteem issues that he's had since he was a teen. but my mom loves to turn him literally talking about wanting to end his own life and make it about herself. she'll say shit like "i didn't teach him well enough that's why he feels the way he does." and the same thing with me and my suicidal issues. i haven't had any in a long time, but she constantly will turn things of that nature and be self-deprecating almost about it, making it seem as if she didn't do enough, when she did. hell i was suicidal as a kid bc i never told her what i was going thru and when i reached out finally, she did everything in her power to make it right.

and yet she still plays this game of "oh i guess i'm a terrible mother" when i complain about my life or maybe even something she did.

recently i realize that i have become the parent in this household. i'm trying to hold everyone together and i just fucking hate it. i don't want kids bc i've had to parent my own mom for years, if i'm honest. i've had to take care of her since i was young. i had to learn to take care of myself since i was kid bc my brother was always sick and i just didn't get the attention i think i needed at the time.

maybe that's why i went into theater lol

but i am…. so tired, of having to be the strong one. of having to find solutions to problems i didn't make. to having to take care of the house just bc my brother was never taught to put shit in the trash or bc he's too depressed to do it or bc my mom literally can't do it bc she's disabled. and i'm not upset at them. not fully at least. i don't blame my mom for what she can't do. the same thing with my brother. but fuck… i am exhausted.

i just got into an argument with her bc i said i wanted to move out at some point. bc i'm 27 and don't want to live with her and my brother forever. but i said that i would most likely, even if i did move out, have to give some of my paycheck to the house bc my mom doesn't work and neither does my brother. and we're only living off of my dad's life insurance and social security which is gonna run out soon.

and then she started going on this long ass speech of like "oh you think it's easy out there but it's not, you'll just come back here in the end anyway," ect. and i just kept saying like i know it's not easy to live on your own. but it was just the way she was saying it like i'm a kid that pissed me off. and then she started shitting on my job and the fact i work in retail and don't make a lot bc i only work part time. and i just kept agreeing with her to a point but she kept… making it seem like i wasn't getting it.

and then my brother came upstairs to see what we were yelling about and ALL OF SUDDEN she goes "do you guys even appreciate the fact that we got money from dad's retirement? bc that was supposed to be my money and i could have easily kept it." she also had said earlier "i could have kicked you guys out at 18, but i didn't." and i'm just thinking in my head do you want a gold star?? but i didn't say that.

basically, i think my mother thought that i wasn't being appreciative of her and whatnot just bc i said i don't want to live with her forever. she's always kinda had an issue with me wanting to leave, especially since i've been saying it since i was in my early 20s if not before. but i've never said in a malice way, just more like oh i can't wait to be on my own.

i've always been independent, mostly bc i had to be. and now that i want to be, there's an issue.

but i HATE that she brought up the money bc i had to bring up to her that clearly both me and my brother care about this family bc before my dad died me and my brother both gave almost all of our bonds away to this family, equaling out to 1000+ dollars by both of us, so that we could pay bills since my dads paycheck wasn't cutting it. that money was meant for me and my brother alone. our grandparents gave that to us to have for when we were older and not living here anymore. basically as an insurance policy. one that we don't have anymore bc all but one a piece are gone.

not to mention when i started working i would give my barely $100 paycheck over almost completely. same thing with my brother. he was working full time, make $800 biweekly, and all of that went to family expenses.

so for her to say that just feels like a kick in the stomach. i love my family. but fuck… i gotta move out. and i mean it. or i'm gonna end up in the fucking looney bin, i swear.

i know some of this might sound jokey but i'm actually crying while writing this. like i just want things to get better, but i swear i feel like i'm drowning and no one can help me. i know my mom is just in a mood and is a bit tipsy, but i just hate hearing her say that. don't push your own insecurities about being a mom onto me. i haven't done anything wrong.

and then she wonders why i don't want kids at all. i never got to fully be one, if it wasn't me being ignored it was me being suicidal since i was 13.

why is it that everyone else can treat me like shit and say mean things but i have to be the bigger person? what has that gotten me?

i think i also wanted to add that i do appreciate everything i have gotten in my life and i know that my life has been a lot easier than others. but me complaining about how it is going now or literally just me being upset about whatever is happening in my life doesn't take away from the privilege i have had. i know that. but it feels like my mom just reads between lines that aren't there. i don't blame her for how things have played out, but that doesn't mean i cant complain regardless.

#personal #text #wow i needed to say all of this #i hope yall dont think of my mom negatively #she truly is a lovely person #she just... knows how to hurt me without trying i think

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imarawbu · 14 days

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I had a realization today. Men will never understand what it's like to have and take care of children. They don't have to grow the baby, they don't feel the baby's consciousness inside them, they never have to give birth or recover from birth. For them, parenthood consists of getting off and several months later a wiggly crying baby. No emotional connection, no love, absolutely nothing. I remember before my daughter was born reading stuff online in the pregnancy group and other related FB groups I was in about fathers not connecting to their kids until they are much older, usually 3-4 years old and can talk and do things before they can form any connection with them. Men want the pride of producing offspring and yet have no ability to bond with that same offspring.

Women should just stop having babies with men.

I don't really care, if you come from a loving stable family, this is true regardless. My dad was always a better father than he was a husband. I would not call him a great father, he has since tried to make up for things and the way he treated me as a kid and teenager but my mother, as bad and uncaring as she is, was more emotionally invested than my dad ever was. We lived with my mother when my parents separated. I was 10, my brother was 6. We visited my dad only on weekends for a couple hours which consisted of me doing household chores and my brother helping my dad outside or putting stuff together. My dad wasn't able to handle us for very long.

My ex-husband, wanted to have kids with me at some point when we didn't live in the US. I had grown up not wanting kids (and not wanting to ever get married) both reasons because I didn't want to turn out like my parents. He eventually convinced me that having kids would be ok. I did accidentally get pregnant and he told me he could "smell it" and told me to get and abortion or he would rip it out of me. I refused. I miscarried soon after due to working multiple jobs, dealing with his drug addicted abuse, being the head of the household, and sleep deprived. If the baby had lived, they would have turned 5 this year.

My husband, we had agreed to having kids in maybe 5 years or so after we got married. In 2022, F's wife was pregnant and he asked me if I was interested in having a kid. I said ok. I was pretty delusional. My husband has many nieces and nephews, who I thought he was very good with. I thought he would love having kids and that having kids would strengthen our marriage, etc. When I got pregnant, it was the day before our honeymoon when I got a positive test. The entire honeymoon was hard to enjoy, he didn't believe I was actually pregnant. The honeymoon was a three country trip over the course of three weeks. After the first week in the first country, I was exhausted and tired all the time. He called me lazy all the time, tried to force me to eat, (morning sickness made it impossible for me to want to eat anything), I had a fair amount of hormones going on so I was emotional, as there were some stressful things that happened, and of course he was not understanding. This only got worse as the honeymoon went on. I felt my experience for Umrah ( going to Mecca) was ruined because of this. When we were in his home country and eventually meeting his parents his behavior got way worse. Long story short, he only got worse over time and was very unaffected about having a kid and saw all my concerns and me trying to teach him stuff as a joke. I knew he wouldn't be a helper or be spending as much time as he could with the baby, but I thought he'd be better than this. Two maybe three months after she was born, he started threatening to abandon us and now he's not stupid like his eldest brother who is in a bad/failed marriage and won't divorce her before their kid. He won't fall for that and will just leave. He still threatens this. That he will go home, sell the house so we will have no support and be homeless. But he's mentioned that "oh it's so sad that I am trying to ruin my daughter's life by making her grow up without a father." And maybe he will send a few hundred dollars here and there for child support.

Imagine if I remarried. This man would take on a kid who's not his and wants more kids. What kind of life would my daughter have, those kids have because men are incapable of connecting or understanding what it's like to be a parent and have kids.

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d43vilish · 10 months

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having a narcissistic mother is so fucking draining; especially because im not her biological child, i came from my fathers first marriage.

my mother claims i taught my younger brother (who's 5) to lie, meanwhile i have never told my brother to lie in front of our parents; she tells me i do not spend any time whatsoever with my brother and that i never contribute to his knowledge (for example, by her logic, i am "extremely busy this summer" because i have to babysit my brother, "as the older sister you have responsibilities and just as i taught you how to write and read when you were younger and i worked my ass of for you- and i still do; you must spend all of your free time with your brother" -- her words exactly) when i was the one that taught him to walk, taught him his first words and im still the only one that bothers to teach him to write and do basic calculus, because i spend time with him everyday, when mom and dad are gone (which is usually half of the day). anything and everything she buys is for my brother only (including food most of the time) and if anyone else in the house apart from her or my brother dares to touch whatever shes bought "for him" gets yelled at for at least 3 hours straight. but when i get something for myself and i actually want to keep it to myself, my mother calls me "selfish" and tells me "i do not care about anyone else whatsoever, meaning i have no respect for her". i also have chores to do in the house, and im not complaining about it, i consider being a 16 year old comes with responsibilities, what makes me fucking furious is that she treats these responsibilities like this household is some sort of palace of hers and everyone is her slave because theyre "dumber" (they think different and have feelings, opinions). im supposed to do what she has to do as a mother and when i fulfill all of her dumb stupid tasks its still me the one that gets belittled and scolded and treated like shit. apparently i have to earn talking to my friends (shes considering taking my phone away for the entire summer, my pc as well; because "you dont have time for fun this summer"); i have to earn eating what i want (i have a strict list of things i have to eat everyday- and side note, she cooks my brother something every morning that she spends home and she never bothers to make a plate for me as well, its only her and her beloved fucking toddler); and i also have to earn time for myself apparently ? like just sitting in my room and having some peace because i should instead be babysitting my brother (my mother isnt always a mother, only when she feels like it). i depend entirely on how she feels in a day, if she is upset i have to be upset to or else im mocking her, if she is sad i have to be sad as well because otherwise "im having fun when i shouldn't" and if shes happy i cant have a bad day or feel remotely close to down because that means im disrespectful of her and "everything shes done for me".

if anything happens in the house, its my fault- HER plants arent watered? my fault. her bedroom is full of dust? my fault for not cleaning it up. the bathroom is SLIGHTLY dirty? obviously im a lazy piece of shit and i sit around doing nothing all day.

no birthday or celebration day passes without me getting slapped, yelled at or made fun of by her. its like a routine at this point. im so sick and fucking tired of being despised by "my mother" because of showing human emotion and needs after 12 YEARS of emotional and verbal abuse. i cant wait to turn 18 and leave this fucking house, help my dad divorce her and live happily either with me or on his own, and move in with my boyfriend. i cant wait to turn 18 and never see her ever again. i hope one day karma gets back at her and i hope ill be there laughing in her face.

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sufferingfromatoxicmother · 1 year

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27 years of my life and my "mother" still treats me like a child who should accept all that she does and have absolutely nothing to say and if I feel some type of way about it I should keep it to myself because how I feel does not matter.

As I have gotten older a lot of the bullshit that my "mother" has carried on with, I've paid a lot more attention to those actions and I've become very resentful of the way she has treated me over the years. She has affected me in ways I am still now realizing. Sometimes I feel bad for saying I hate my mother, but I just do. She takes no accountability. Its always everyone else and never her. She is always the victim and it's because of eveyone else.

Just the other day I had made plans to go out. The outting wasnt important or necessary to attend, but as someone who doesn't really have a social life and recently finished my masters, I felt it was important to make efforts in spaces where its great for me to network and get to know the organization I am affiliated with.

Here's the thing with my so called mother. For years whenever I had my plans she would come to me the day of and ask me questions to try and get me to not go or change my mind. I hate being known as a flaker and I hate doing things so last minute. As much as I want to go, I always give her what she wants because if I don't she would get sour, give me the silent treatment, and if I went I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself cause i know hen I get home she is upset and she'd make me feel bad for going.

So, the morning I'm getting ready, she tries to get me to not go so I can go to church for her instead because she is "out of it"....out if it means tired. We were allll tired! She asks me dumb questions like what time do i want to leave. I said its dumb because I said many times the time I wanted to leave, but because I am accustom to her shit... I know she asking me that means she would either want me to go late or it meant she never spoke to my uncle (she said she did) to bring the car for the time i wanted to leave. I got really bummed because i was planning this day a while now and its looking like I can't go...she comes back and told me she spoke to my uncle about the event and how its not necessary for me to go and blah blah blah...what the fuck that information have to do with me. If I plan to go somewhere someone else's opinion doesn't matter to me because I already made up my mind. Then she told me to decide...Idk why the fuck she asks me that when she already decided for me. When she never even called my uncle to bring back the car. She already made the decision!!! Now I am forced to go to church so she can stay home amd do not one shit!!!! During this time....I was calm though. I never voiced how I felt because saying how I feel doesnt matter and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with her bitchyness.

So I went to church like she wanted and kept my disappointment to myself. I was disappointed this is how i have to live to survive this household. I was disappointed that I have a mother who can't see her actions are hurting people.

The day then gets worse at dinner with family when the event was brought up and I simply said I don't want to talk about it or see it. My father asks why and I said because I really wanted to go. Tell me why it is my mother all of a sudden makes herself the victim?????? There was 5 minutes of silence at the table then my sisters mother opened her mouth to give a fucking fakes ass garbage apology and says "I'm sorry i was sick" amd then proceeds to angrily clean and slam things making everything in the house uncomfortable. It wasn't about her even being sick!!!! Wtf is she talking about??!? And from there she has been giving me the silent treatment and moving weird. When she speaks to my aisters in that voice she puts on I get angry. He behavior is just my reminders that she never going to change. She'll be on her death bed with the same ways.

I hate her for treating me the way she does when I didn't do anything wrong to her. She literally took a situation I was upset about and made it her prerogative to be the victim. No communications, nothing. Then she wants to know why none of her children speaks to her on a personal level. Why her children's goal is to work and make money so we can finally leave and get away from her.

I'm stuck home. No job yet and no money. I'm suffering. I hate it here.

I am very stubborn so I would not be going high. I will be going very low. I will not make any effort. I am tired of her shit. Why do I have to make the effort and the so called mother doesnt. I dont want her to speak to me like nothing happened cause then she will continue to believe she was the victim in the situation. I want nothing to do with her. If she continues her bullshit any longer I have a couple things in mind of proceeding with. I will not be forced into doing anything i don't want to do and I refuse to be in a setting with her in it. Not sure why God hasn't entered her dreams to crucify her for her actions. People like her in church bothers me. All about God but at home you're a shitass parent. Ugh....

Anyways...that's all I have to vent about. Might delete this account...idk....just wanted to write my feelings somehwere. Even though its all over the place.

#toxic #toxic behavior #toxic mother #anger vent #resentment #hate #mental health #emotional abuse #parental abuse

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cinefairy · 2 years

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HOW I CHANGED MY LIFE AROUND USING LAW OF ASSUMPTION

i changed my life using law of assumption in a space of 5-ish months, now ive seen people change their life in 8 months, two weeks, a couple of hours and 1 day. it all depends on you. dont ever compare yourself to those success stories around you.

.˚♡ ⌇BEFORE LOA…

before law of assumption i was insecure, acne-covered face, “dumb”, i felt ugly, i was in an abusive physically and mentally household, was bullied at school for years, never felt safe, never felt loved and had suicidal thoughts for years, treated like crap from even my own friends and others, terrible grades + bad school life,

.˚♡ ⌇ AFTER LOA…

i literally got my desired life, i love myself and i manifested my desired appearance, desired body, the best school life and is about to go to a good university, i never have suicidal thoughts. i can do a wide-range of talents; dancing, ice skating, rollerblading/rollerskating, singing, art, crocheting etc, i feel safe everywhere i go, in a loving relationship with my boyfriend, got out of an abusive household, financially stable

these are just the things on top of my head i’ve manifested

.˚♡ ⌇ MY JOURNEY…

I discovered law of assumption August 2021 and ever since everything has went uphill from then. now, i’ve struggled, ive had setbacks, ive ranted and reacted i’ve given up and i’ve restarted so many times. but i knew my objective goal and i was never gonna let go,

first thing i ever did was SELF CONCEPT.

self concept made me realise and step into my bad bitch power, i was the only girl in the world, i was feeling confident and content. in situations where i would scream, shout and rage i acted completely different and didnt let the external cause me any more stress.

.˚♡ ⌇ I FOCUSED ON SELF CONCEPT BY..

my realisation:

me focusing on my self concept NOW no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many times ill see a door shut on my face (metaphorically), no matter what happens i will reach my desired self concept. if i focus on this now im gonna be so much confident in the future where i will truly flourish.

i dedicated my time (happily) when focusing on self concept. i was singing to my favourite songs in the bliss that i am perfect, i was dancing, i would take care of myself and treat myself like a queen. everyday was a “self-care day” i would balance out the hard tough love and the soft love. i would give myself a pat on the back for stepping out of my mindset’s comfort zone.

i would talk to myself, affirm to myself that everything will be alright, that im the opposite of what my parents told me. and its not what other people think about me thats important it’s actually what i think of MYSELF thats important.

I HAD TO. i was so sick and tired of living a life i didnt want, i gave up. i gave up entertaining the old story, i gave up overthinking the how, when, what. i stopped everything that was never benefiting me and focused all my time and energy into things that WILL.

and you can do it too, you can change your entire life. it just depends on YOU, do you want the best life for yourself? if so, stop secondguessing, stop thinking logically, stop wondering “did i do this method right..” because hell you dont even need methods just DO IT.

#law of assumption #manifestation #affirmations #dream life #manifesting #neville goddard #success story #law of attraction #life goals #dream girl

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nanatsumu · 3 years

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HIGH SCHOOL!SUKUNA x F!READER

thinking about bad boy itadori sukuna who all the kids at school try to steer clear from because they know he’s bad news and if you get involved with him then you’re bound to be tied with bad luck for as long as he lives. well, that is everyone except for the president of the student council who so happens to be his childhood best friend turned lover.

this is mostly written for my own self indulgence and to project my fantasies of having a boyfriend onto sukuna but feel free to treat this as any other headcanon! ps i am pretty sure canon sukuna would kill a baby at any given situation, but this is going to be a revamped version of sukuna written by yours truly ;) and its a high school au so sukuna won’t be a complete menace to society and will actually have a heart heh

also i didn’t realize how long this was going to be??? this is kind of all over place too because i just wanted to throw all of my thoughts onto this post so there might be some plot holes in this LOL

i feel like sukuna would be the type of bad boy who isn’t necessarily a bad boy but everyone at school just paints him as some kind of delinquent because of all the tattoos and piercings he has.

he actually shows up to school more often than you think he would (but that’s only because you’re in most of his classes so long story short: you’re his only motivation for attending class)

“forgets” to bring his work books to class more than usual (in reality he does this on purpose so he has an excuse to be near you) so he requests to sit next to you the entire class period so he can share with you for the meantime but whenever the teachers not looking he’ll go back to admiring your face.

his older twin brother, itadori yuji, is very fond of you since you three grew up together and you both had your chances of being a victim to his antics!

exhibit a: in middle school when you and yuji were watching tv together, the show you two were watching would keep switching to some wrestling match broadcasting on a sports channel and no matter how many times you turned the tv on and off, it just would not stop. but it wasn’t until you heard snickering from the kitchen that you realized sukuna had a spare remote and was the mastermind behind the whole thing.

exhibit b: sukuna and yuji’s mom was the owner of a bakery so every now and then she would have either one of the twins come deliver freshly baked pastries to your household! oh how wrong was she to trust her youngest. sukuna was now a freshman in high school, and by now you would’ve thought that sukuna would have grown out of his childish phase, but WRONG! sukuna was still a menace in your life even past childhood. so when you bit into one of the macaroons, instead of being hit with the overwhelming taste of [favorite flavor], all you could feel was the burning sensation of wasabi kicking into your tastebuds.

yeah after the whole wasabi macaroon freak accident, you stopped accepting everything sukuna offered to you and opted to only eating pastries out of the boxes that yuji delivered to you. (sukuna eventually caught onto this and was just TEENSY bit upset but he would rather down a whole tube of wasabi than to tell you upfront)

now, how did you two even end up dating??? oh boy now that is a story

you see, yours and sukuna’s dynamic growing up was similar to that of tom and jerry’s— you being jerry and sukuna being 10x worse than tom of course

but it wasn’t until a confession after school behind the cherry blossom tree that was known for bringing good luck to successful confessions that sukuna finally realized that maybe he really did like you just a little lot bit

sukuna overheard the boy who was planning on confessing to you talking to his friend group about how “sweet and caring” you are (although sukuna could argue otherwise, you were a little brat. *LIKE HELLO?!&:&:& YOU WEREN’T THE ONE WHO ATE A MACAROON FILLED WASABI**) and obviously his ears perked up at the mention of your name. he grew up with you after all so naturally he would be interested in a conversation that revolved around you.

but then the boys started going on about how “you looked like an easy catch” and how “your body was bangin’!” yeah no, that’s where he drew the line. sure sukuna was an ass and talked shit about you most of the time (in his defense it wasn’t like he was doing it behind your back) but if he ever caught someone else talking about you like that then he would be sure to give them a hard time.

he hid behind one of the bushes near the cherry blossom tree while the boy was professing his love for you. funnily enough, for a moment sukuna forgot why he was originally there because he was too busy trying to stifle a laugh as he watched the boy stumble over his words.

“okay shows over” sukuna thought as the confession was reaching its conclusion, but just as he was about to step in and give the poor boy a piece of his mind, he stopped in his tracks when he heard you roaring with laughter.

“did you really think that i wouldn’t hear about what you and your friends said about me earlier? you’re really pathetic if you think any girl would be easy enough to fall to her knees for you because news flash! you’re a disgusting pig and you deserve to rot in hell for speaking about a girl’s worth like that.”

“it’s kind of sad too, i thought you were a nice boy and i probably would have given you a chance but it seems like you’re even worse than scum! damn it, to think there was somebody out there who’s even worse than sukuna.”

of course sukuna was not pleased to hear that last bit, but he did have a proud grin forming on his face as he watched the boy run away, flustered from your rejection and the embarrassment he was put through.

“sukuna i know you’re hiding behind the bush.”

“huh? i came here way before you got here, there’s no way you could have seen me.” he said as he stood up to his full height.

“well, your laughter isn’t exactly the quietest, plus i can spot that hair of yours from a mile away.”

lets just say, sukuna was glad you didn’t ask him what he was doing there because he wasn’t sure if he could spare the embarrassment of telling you that he was planning on ruining the confession.

after that whole fiasco happened, sukuna started to feel(!&:&::&) things

like he started to notice how you styled your hair differently one day and how you switched to a new perfume that smelled like spearmint (was that weird? for sukuna probably not. he just excuses it as being highly observant)

you weren’t dumb either, you had a feeling sukuna was there that day of the confession because he too had overheard the conversation between the boy and his friends as well (you knew he was prideful and if you brought it up then he probably would’ve denied it)

so from there on out it was just mutual pining at the point except... well.... not really??

i feel like it was just an unspoken agreement between you two that you guys were “together” but not “together together” because he started to treat you differently than he would before. like for example, he’d carry your bag for you whenever you guys would walk home (yuji was confused by this at first because if anything, it would have made more sense to see sukuna make you carry HIS bag, but he eventually caught on to sukuna’s feelings for you because they were twin brothers after all), he started walking you to class more often even though his class was all the way on the other side of the school (you asked him why but he just shrugged and said he was just “killing time” so that he wouldn’t have to go to class and then you ended up scolding him), and there was also that one time you miraculously found a $20 bill in your backpack after mentioning to sukuna that there was this cute top you saw at the mall the other day but didn’t have enough money at the time to purchase it (you asked him about this but he said it was probably yuji, but you didn’t want to pry any further since you wanted to cherish the fact that sukuna cared that much)

but eventually you got sick of this whole push and pull game that you physically had to tug the collar of his school uniform and pull him in for a kiss (he was visibly shocked at this because he never would’ve imagined you as the assertive type. not that he was complaining though)

“oya? didn’t think you liked me this much kitten.” he said laughing while you rolled your eyes.

“as if, i got tired of you being a wuss so one of us had to wear the pants in the relationship.” you snorted, causing him to irk.

to be honest, your relationship with him is smooth sailing because you both were pretty chill people and you didn’t have to worry about him sneaking behind your back to see other girls because 1. literally all the girls at school are terrified of him and 2. he knew what you were capable of doing to him if you were to ever catch him cheating on you so he wants to stay on your good side

jealous and possessive don’t exist in his dictionary because he is the epitome of those two words. remember what i said about how your relationship is smooth sailing? i kinda lied.

he’s easily jealous like for example: when you were in english class and the teacher had you guys jot down some notes, you realized you forgot to ask for your pencil back when you lent it to your friend last period.

so you asked sukuna to borrow a pencil but instead of giving you a pencil, he called you an idiot for being so forgetful.

this makes you mad so you turn to your male classmate since he was sitting on your opposite side and ask him for a pencil instead.

sukuna was practically fuming the entire class period and once the day ended and you two were back at your place, he made sure to mark you real good. (oh he also went out to buy a pack of mechanical pencils to sneak into your backpack so that next time you forget your pencils, you’ll have 10 extra pencils sitting in your backpack as backup)

he’s not a big fan of pda in public, but on the chances he will show some of it, the most he will do is wrap an arm around your shoulder or waist whenever some dude is trying to hit on you.

BUT IN PRIVATE? better buckle up because your in for a ride wink wink

really likes putting hickeys on you to a fault! but will never put any visible ones on your neck because he doesn’t want your parents to view him as some kind of animal (but he has nothing to worry about because your parents really like him and are grateful for the fact that he’s very loyal to you, and you guys grew up together so it’s only natural that your parents are accepting of him since they already know he has a good heart underneath that tough facade of his)

oh, and yuji starts learning how to knock whenever you come over (or shuts himself in his room for the meantime if he thinks it’s unsafe to step out of his room) because chances are, you’re probably making out with sukuna in his room or smth.

now onto the spicy stuff

when you and sukuna first started dating, the first thing you told him was that you weren’t ready to have sex yet because you were nervous and sukuna understood and told you that he was willing to wait for whenever you were ready.

but when you were ready though, it was kind of spontaneous and you weren’t even wearing a matching pair of bra and underwear that day

you two were chilling in your room watching some stupid (according to sukuna) animal documentary when suddenly you felt his hand on your thigh

dating sukuna and all, it was normal for him to have his hands on some part of your body (whether it be your thigh or your waist) while you two were in bed.

but you were feeling a bit bolder HORNEE than usual so you began to leave a hot trail of kisses starting from his jaw all the way down to his neck.

sukuna obviously got the memo but before those kisses could escalate into something more daring, he asked you once more if you were completely sure you wanted to do it and once you gave him the green light, he was quick to tug his shirt over his head and pounce on you.

he started getting really into it though and accidentally bit your thigh which made you loose your high and scold him for it, but he let out a hearty laugh and muttered a quick apology before getting back into business

sike i lied, remember what i said about it being spontaneous? yeah, you technically didn’t loose your virginity to him that day because after he finished prepping you, you both came to a realization that you didn’t have a condom.

oh well, there’s always next time!

i think sukuna is a sucker for pet names: his favorite thing to call you is either kitten or princess and that’s it LOL he finds calling you baby or babe is a bit too cheesy for him

but he likes it when you call him baby or babe ;)

date nights consist of either staying in and cuddling in his room, going out for a walk at night (but very very late though. there’s still lamp posts that guide your way through the streets but it gives you the heebie jeebies to be out walking outside so late. sukuna always reminds you that nothing bad will happen as long as he’s right by your side), or just spending time with you and your families.

but if you’re really down to do it, he’ll probably initiate a make out session that’ll lead to y’all fucking one way or another (he only ever does it if he is 100% sure that you’re feeling it because he knows you get easily embarrassed if he asks you straight up)

(this part is mainly written for me because i love the idea of sukuna being over at family functions, but it can be applied as part of the general hc heh) if you took him to any of your family functions as your plus one for the first time, all the aunts and uncles would be a bit wary of him at first due to all of the tattoos and piercings he has (sukuna swears he has never felt so self conscious before) but after they strike up a conversation with him and find out that he’s actually a good guy who knows what he wants to do in the future and is very loyal to you, they start to like him more.

your little cousins adore him and love it when he comes over because sukuna is a very tall high schooler which makes him the perfect candidate as a monkey bar

so when you noticed that all the little ones started to climb on his body and mess around with his hair, you were quick to react because you knew your boyfriend was easily irritable which prompted you to think he hated kids

but there was nothing to worry about because when you saw him playing around with them and even crack a smile, you felt your heart grow fuzzy at the sight and you knew right then and there that you wanted to stick by sukuna’s side for the rest of your life

and in the unfortunate circumstances that sukuna is too busy to make it to one of your functions, the first thing everyone asks is “where’s your boyfriend?” or “where’s ‘kuna? i wanna play with him!”

so you have to facetime him and let him know that everyone is wondering where he is (your phone is dead by the end of the night because after the adults get their turn at saying hi to your boyfriend, the kids snatch your phone and end up talking to him for the rest of the night)

but in conclusion, everyone is waiting for the day he gets on one knee to propose to you and your parents are itching to get to get call sukuna their son-in-law :))

also don’t forget that your parents want two grandchildren: one boy and one girl!

#sukuna #sukuna x reader #sukuna fluff #sukuna hc #ryomensukuna #sukuna x you #sukuna x y/n #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen hc #jjk hc #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #jjk fluff #anime #anime fanfic #jjk

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hanari502 · 3 years

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Hello everyone! Hanari here! And uh, I need some help big time. My future husband/boyfriend/fiancee Justin is in some real big trouble that he desperately needs some help with, so I've made a Gofundme to help him out. There's a lot involved here so I'll start from the very beginning. If you could read all of it it'd be great. Justin's current roommate has been treating Justin awfully for the past several months, mainly because Justin rejected his romantic advances. Ever since then this roommate has been verbally abusing Justin, essentially throwing a tantrum whenever Justin doesn't go out and buy whatever the hell they want, and essentially treating him like he has no value as a person because they cant get what they want from him anymore. We'll call this roommate S. This has been going on for a couple of months to a point where it escalated today to a ridiculous degree. I just got of the phone with Justin who told me that S is giving him 30 days to 'get the hell out' because he's 'tired of his bullshit'. Meaning he's tired of Justin not catering to his every whim and therefore wants to dispose of him like a fucking ragdoll or something. All because Justin said that he didn't know if he would have enough money on this paycheck to purchase cat litter for the house, for cats that do not belong to Justin. Justin and I planned to live with each other before this, but the plan we had was one that would easily take half a year to several years to come to fruition, and he's been saving money with the expectation that he'd have the time to gather it all together and bring himself and his stuff down here from Missouri to Florida. That timeframe has APPARENTLY been upped to 30 days instead. So, because I am his fiancee, and I am sick and tired of him being bullied by this piece of shit person, I'm going to be opening up the most important Gofundme in my life to get my future husband down here with me where he belongs, and out of that toxic environment so he's not kicked out on the streets for not catering to this person's selfish ideals. Odds are that, because of the sheer distance of the move, that he will be needing $3000, so that's the amount that I'm going to set. My roommates have already told him that in case of emergency he can come down and stay with us, but eventually within 2021 we will have to look for a new place for ourselves as well. It's....an emergency. It's a massive emergency and I only ask for help when emergencies happen. So I'll be putting up that Gofundme within the next few hours. If you guys could like it or share it or help out in any way, that would be swell. I know times are really rough right now and I know that the timing isn't ideal with the holidays coming up, and normally I don't ask for much, but for Hannukah this year I want my fiancee in my arms and away from danger, and I can't think of anything else I'd possibly want after that. Please help me bring Justin home guys.

#fundraiser #gofundme #help

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luciehercndale · 4 years

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The maturity of The Last Hours characters

I really don’t know how to name this, lmao. But yeah. In this post I will try to rate (?) the level of maturity of the characters from The Last Hours. I’m only analyzing the young people, if you want a post about The Infernal Devices characters or The Mortal Instruments characters (since I still have to read TDA to this day), I can also do that. But this post will focus on the “children”.

I don’t like using the word children for these characters because they are not children so to speak, but there are some characters which are more childish than the others. I tried to outline some characters to also show how they are mirroring each other. You’ll see how funny that most of the characters who share similar storylines may not like each other too much and may also not have the same maturity, but some of them are also each other’s love interests.

I apologize for the length of this essay, but I tried to cover every character.

First, a disclaimer: I don’t consider these groups I made as strict, because of course, you can’t rate a person’s maturity. This is just a way to show you the careful planning behind the characters and I’m just trying to organize them based on logic and observation.

The first “group” I’ll analyze is the one with the character I believe are the most mature, that we can also divide in “denied childhood” and “happy childhood”. In my opinion, in this group we have Alastair, Ariadne, Anna, Thomas and Jesse. They aren’t just the oldest, they are also the ones who have always acted maturely throughout CoG. What differs between the characters I cited above is their upbringing.

Rejected Children

Alastair and Ariadne always had to fight for their parents’ approval and Alastair also had to take his father’s place whenever he was “sick”. Alastair couldn’t live his childhood the way a normal child usually does. To add fuel to the fire we also have to consider the moment when Cortana rejects Alastair when Elias is also present: that’s the metaphor of Elias rejection of Alastair as his son. This also connects with the theory of Alastair not being Elias’ son and I already think Alastair has found out about this. Ariadne also has similarities with Alastair’s situation and mirrors his situation in the opposite way. Her parents were killed when she was young. She was adopted, yes, but I reckon that the Bridgestock family has also a lot of prejudices? And they also disapprove of Ariadne seeing Anna.

Alastair and Ariadne are the “rejected children” because despite they do everything in order to keep the harmony in their households (Alastair by cleaning after Elias and Ariadne by being a perfect smart lady), they always feel like they do not deserve to be loved, because their parents never make them feel truly loved or if they do, they don’t see it (because it’s evident to me that Cordelia loves Alastair very much and Sona does too, even if she doesn’t openly show it). On the other hand, they did so much as to agree to their family’s requests even if they didn’t want to, because that’s how what they believed they had to do in order to be loved.

Alastair’s first infatuation was Charles, with whom he fell in love but that he also idealized like he probably idealized his father. Alastair, who wanted to get Elias’ attention the most but also protect Cordelia and Sona from his father’s issues, fell for another man with a problematic ego like Charles. Ariadne’s first love was Anna, but Ariadne’s parents don’t approve of her. She is naturally well-liked by shadowhunters and downworlders alike because of her personality, her confidence. Ironic, but also not ironic, that Charles is the “link” between Alastair and Ariadne. Unlike Alastair who continued seeing Charles, Anna refused to keep seeing Ariadne after her engagement with Charles.

Both Alastair and Ariadne are mature people but they also have trust issues. They often see things in a negative way because that’s what they’ve been taught: no matter what you do, you are not valuable. You could know 30 languages but you’d still be useless. In Alastair’s case, I think we’ll soon see how Thomas, who is his love interest, will show him that he is worthy of love but he will also realize that is worthy of love, or he won’t be able to love 360°. In Ariadne’s, we saw at the end of CoG how she is going to show Anna that she’s going to win her back.

Anna and Thomas are the mature characters who had a happy childhood more or less. They grew up in a peaceful environment, with parents who always tried to do their best for them and who also showed them a lot of love. And their brothers and sisters as well are also very protective of both. Plus, they are cousins, which means that they are also protective with each other. But don’t think that they have it easier compared to Alastair and Ariadne, because they also had issues.

When Anna first realized that she didn’t like men and she also didn’t like to dress like a woman, and stole Christopher’s clothes, she tried to hide it. Why? Because as much as your parents seem lovely people and they also accept your wishes (like when Anna didn’t want to go to the Academy and she said she would become a mundane bullfighter if they forced her to go lmao), you never know what they would think about this. Anna, who loved her parents very much, preferred to keep her double life hidden from them. When her parents discovered she was genderqueer, they accepted her. I hope people realize how great this is, because at the beginning of the XX century many people had to lie to their family because they would never accept their daughter or their son going against the “respectability” of the time. Like I wrote on another post, you were considered devious if you were not straight. Anna didn’t want to burden her parents with the fact that she didn’t like men or wear pretty women dresses like society expected her to, but her parents were proud of her regardless. When Cecily discovers Anna’s orientation and gives her a suit as a gift, it’s the moment when Anna can truly be herself and she doesn’t care what the other people think, because that is herself. They either accept it, or they stay away from her. Anna is a very mature also because it’s hard to hear people whisper about you and spread rumors about the life you chose to live. She’s very brave.

Thomas is the last of three children, and his oldest sisters have always tried to protect him because he’s always been a sickly child. Remember that CC posted a cute Christmas story with Gideon and Thomas and Will and James where Gideon is concerned because his son didn’t seem to grow up like a normal child. This is why for years his family tried to protect him. They feared he could die, so Thomas was always under the watchful eyes of someone and he grew tired of this. He appreciated the attention but he also wanted to be alone, and after he got better and went to Spain after the Academy, he became stronger, more mature, and independent. Thomas is quite fatherly in my opinion, as that he is wise and kind, he always tries to see the positive in every situation.

Then we have Jesse. Like Thomas, Jesse was also protected by Tatiana and was a sickly child. In the Christmas story I mentioned above, we see how when Gideon sees Jesse, he reminds him of Thomas. Jesse is Charles’ age, but since he’s technically dead, he still has the body of a 17-year-old. From what we saw, it was evident that Jesse is a respectful person and that he is also selfless. He spent a lot of years in solitude and is a person with manners. Remember what Lucie says? “A ghost with a sense of property.” He also enters in the denied childhood group in my opinion, because as much as Tatiana seemed to have taken care of him and we see how she clings on his body to the point of trying to perform necromancy to bring him back, he also didn’t live a normal childhood. His mother never let him become a shadowhunter, she never let him meet his uncles, aunts and cousins. She never let him meet other shadowhunters. She probably never gave him proper education and all that Jesse knows he learnt it by reading books. Jesse is on the opposite side of the spectrum where Alastair and Ariadne are, but he’s also divided between his life (where he was very innocent and sheltered) and his death (where he matured because he could finally explore the world his mother denied him to see).

You see, aside from Jesse, it is no wonder Alastair, Thomas, Ariadne and Anna were paired together. Not only they are the mature characters, they are also mirroring each other’s journey: Alastair had a difficult childhood while Thomas was too protected. Anna had nice parents while Ariadne lost hers when she was little and her adoptive parents are probably racists and homophobes.

In the second “group”, which I called in the middle, there are characters I consider mature but also not. These characters have acted maturely in some occasions, while they were childish during other occasions. I’ll analyze the ones with happy childhoods first.

Unfiltered Childhood, Sheltered Childhood

James is often described as a responsible and shy guy. James hit the jackpot with his parents too, because we see how close he is with them and how they always support him whatever he does and try to protect him at the same time, when they can. But even James has issues, especially after he turned into a shadow in front of everyone when he was 13. This made him not only believe he is damned (“my father was cursed, whereas I am damned”). He was also bullied because he is part-demon, and he didn’t take this lightly, as we see every time, he risks to turn into a shadow he has a sort of panic attack. James is the older son and has the tendency to cover up for Lucie and all of his closest friends. Despite everything, we can say James had a happy childhood. He was wanted, he was loved, he was protected, but his parents also treated him as an adult and let him and Lucie into the rough stuff of their pasts, hence he had un unfiltered childhood. He knew about the gory details of life early on. In a short story Will gives James, who is 1-2 years old, a damn knife in his hands! If this isn’t someone who doesn’t use a filter with his kids, I don’t know what that is. I think that it was Jesse who was shocked to hear from Lucie that she knew about his grandfather turning into a worm. He didn’t think it was a story fit for kids. I believe that James is mature but he still has some things to face to really be mature, that’s why I put him in this group. But among the Merry Thieves, he is the second most mature, imo. He is the big wise brother. You could argue: and Christopher? I’ll explain later why Christopher is on another level of maturity, wait. Lol.

Cordelia is the second mature character from this group and she is opposed to James. Why? Unlike James who was exposed to reality from a young age and knew about things that a teenager probably shouldn’t know; Cordelia was filled with lies because her family wanted to protect her childhood and didn’t think she should know the harshness of life early on. We see when CoG starts how she’s still innocent and how she had a sheltered childhood. Not only because it will be the first time in years that she will be around other guys her age, but also because until Alastair tells her what he had to cover so that she would have a childhood, she was clueless. Literally. She had been treated like a little girl by Alastair and Sona, when Cordelia was probably able to handle the truth. Cordelia didn’t grow up in a bad environment – besides her father’s problems, which Cordelia was mostly left out because Sona and Alastair kept the secret – but we may discover more things in CoI. Anyway, Cordelia is mature for her age, and she stands up for herself even if it hurts, which isn’t an easy feat.

Denied Childhood

The last of this group is Matthew. Alastair gave him the nickname “Mother Hen Fairchild”. You guys don’t know much Alastair understood about Matthew by giving him this nickname. Matthew is wealthy, wealthier than the others, but this doesn’t mean he had a happy life. On the other hand, Matthew’s only lifeline was his father Henry. You can tell Matthew loves his father, tried to protect him, which is a cute thing to do, but at what expense? For one, his childhood. Matthew is a sociable person, loves to be around people, but when he grew up in Idris, the main thing he did was take care of Henry. I don’t think Henry asked him to do it, nor did Charlotte, but he took it upon himself to do so. After all, Henry is disabled, he really needs help and Matthew just wanted to show his father he appreciated him, but I don’t think he or Charlotte understood that as a natural helper, Matthew would also be drained by this activity. He also didn’t want to leave Henry alone when he left for the Academy, which is also a sign he thinks that one of the things he has to do in order to keep his family intact (especially after the rumor about Charlotte and Gideon) is to take care of Henry. He is indeed a “motherly” figure in the Merry Thieves and to his own father, to some degree. Because of this upbringing, it’s like Matthew never truly lived his childhood like a normal child. And now that he is 17 and is using alcohol as a copying mechanism, it’s like he’s already become metaphorically old, because at that time alcohol abuse was something you’d expect from a middle-aged man.

As you see, these three characters are also expected to be in a sort of triangle, even if we don’t know the extents of this relationship yet. But we’ll surely have a lot to see.

Partially Mature (Still Innocent to Some Degree)

I’m finally at the last group!!! YAY me. I hope you read so far. These are the characters I still consider innocent and that in CoI will have a bigger storyline and we’ll also see them become more mature and face more harsh reality.

Happy Childhood

The first person from this group is Lucie. Lucie is 16, just one year younger than her brother and her best friend Cordelia. Like James, Lucie has been exposed to the harshness of life from a young age, since her parents didn’t keep many secrets with her. But Lucie is still innocent to some degree, and adventurous like a child, but we see that she isn’t able to stay calm whenever things get out of hand and people (including herself) get hurt, because one thing is hearing stories, another is actually being part of those gory stories. First, she has never been in love. I know this sounds silly, but a lot of teenagers start seeing the world differently after they fall in love with someone, truly in love. I’m not talking about infatuation here. It’s also the first time after years of dead calm that London is plagued by a new enemy, which means it’s also the very first time for Lucie – unlike James and the Merry Thieves – to finally face the stories she’s heard from her parents and the fantasy stories she’s invented as a writer. Getting to know Jesse has helped, because he is a very mature character who is opposed to her because he had a very sheltered childhood and he learnt about life just when he turned into a ghost. Since Lucie is on the cover of CoI, she’ll definitely mature more in that book.

Christopher is also innocent. He is smart, he is way more intelligent than everyone imo, but he lives in his own world sometimes. He, like Lucie, had a happy childhood and was very protected by his older sister Anna and of course his parents. But he was also let on in the secrets of the Lightwood family (like the Benedict Lightworm story), so we can say to this point that he is innocent but he also is mature because he uses his logic to make decisions. Of the Merry Thieves he's surely the youngest son, because the other guys always look after him – especially Thomas. In CoI we will probably also see his maturity journey, because so far, he appeared very absent-minded, lost in his thoughts, always trying to come up with solutions to save other people, which is admirable. I think that besides as a plot device, the fact that Belial/Tatiana hurt him with demonic poison was also a way to make Christopher aware that he should also be ready to fight as a shadowhunter other than cultivate his passion for science. I mean, he’ll probably have moments where he could use (like Henry in TID) what he invents as a useful tool in battle.

Denied Childhood

Last but not last, we have Grace. Grace is in this part of the spectrum because she is still very innocent, since she’s lived most of her life brainwashed by Tatiana/Belial. The person we see is not probably the real Grace, but a mannequin. She is also smart because her engagement to Charles was a way to escape her mother’s manipulation, but until she came to London, her whole life has been sheltered, Tatiana has told her lies, has molded her the way she wanted Grace to act as a mean to her revenge. Grace has suffered the same gaslighting Tatiana suffered from Benedict Lightwood, except Grace is aware of this and is trying to find ways to escape. Spending time with Ariadne and Lucie will only make her more conscious of who she really is, but it will be a long way because she still seems like a frail flower sometimes. She also seems not to have received training, so she’s even more in danger. CoI will probably feature a new side of Grace, and we’ll see her throw her innocence away (well, not literally, guys) and be more self-aware.

If we were to follow the logic I used so far, we’d see that Christopher and Grace might become love interests. If we look at the structure of the plot and of the couples we have so far, they are opposites but also similar. I know that many people don’t like Grace, but I believe that if she gets an arc where we see how she can give as a character, she may grow on us. Anyway, mine is just an assumption, I can be wrong. As for Lucie and Jesse, it’s only fitting the that the partially mature character and the character who wasn’t mature when he was alive and who became mature when he died, are going to be each other’s love interests. They are half-away. It’s only fitting because Lucie can also “call” ghosts who are still stuck in the living world (in the middle between life and death): understand what I mean?

Ok, I think I can close this essay by saying thank you for reading so far! But also, if you have ideas or comments etc, you can write in my ask box. As you see, I like to discuss about characters and plots, so I’m happy if you shot me a message, even in anon.

#alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #anna lightwood #ariadne bridgestock #jesse blackthorn #james herondale #cordelia carstairs #matthew fairchild #lucie herondale #christopher lightwood #grace blackthorn #tlh #the last hours #chain of gold #chain of iron #chain of thorns #tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles #my edits

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angelcatsiel · 3 years

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I’m kinda emotional tonight and I’m thinking a lot about my physical and mental health and I’m putting this under a read more because parts of it are VERY triggering (relating to self harm, suicide and abuse) so be careful

I think maybe I’ve been too hard on myself recently. I’ve been struggling with so much guilt over my health, both physical and mental. I’ve been beating myself up over everything, thinking that I’m a burden, I’m useless, I can’t help anyone. I get too tired to complete basic household chores, and am just in too much pain. My executive dysfunction is having a huge impact on me. I get confused and make mistakes a lot. Often when I try to take initiative or do something helpful, it turns out to be the wrong thing, or I make things worse. I get so anxious about getting everything right, I’ve been having constant nightmares about making mistakes or breaking things and the people I love being disappointed in me. I had the same nightmare about this every day for a week, and I still get the nightmares often now. I feel like I brought my physical health issues on myself, with the years I spent frequently denying myself food and water and sleep for days on end, not exercising, not taking care of myself. I feel like everything is always my fault.

And I don’t know why, but tonight I’m thinking about it all and for the first time, I think I’m starting to accept just how mentally ill I was before. I was severely, extremely unwell. I tell myself that loads of people struggle with depression, and most people I know are mentally ill, and it’s not that big of a deal (and this post is in absolutely no way me saying that I had it worse than anyone else, I don’t think that at all).

But like... I tried to kill myself when I was 10. That is not normal, that’s not something most people experience. I was abused. I was bullied and insulted by someone who was supposed to keep me, a young child, safe. I was denied food, denied medication, at one point thrown down the stairs. During my late teens, for several years, I cut myself every single day. Multiple times a day, even. I cut myself at work. I cut myself in the living room when my mum nipped out of the room for two minutes to go to the bathroom. I carved the word ‘die’ into my leg in the college toilets while two of my lecturers were laughing and chatting outside the bathroom stall, and I can still see the letters, scarred into my leg forever. I wanted to die every single damn day, more than anything. I felt empty, numb, I was delusional. I became convinced for a while that my family were trying to kill me and wanted me dead. Then I became convinced that I WAS dead and my eczema was reality bleeding through and my skin rotting away. I denied myself water for 4 days until I was too dehydrated to cry, I went 6 days straight without sleep. I was hearing voices (and still do, but some of them are nice now and I can handle them better). I hit myself with a hammer. I mildly upset a stranger once by accident, and dropped a brick on my fingers to punish myself.

That’s not a mild case of depression. I was EXTREMELY sick. Looking back, I absolutely should have been hospitalised. I did everything in my power to avoid it back then because I was scared, mostly of what my parents would think. I was also terrified of losing my methods of self harm.

I now have severe anxiety, chronic pain, seizures and all sorts of health problems that, in all likelihood, were caused or at least worsened by my mental health and the way I treated myself. But it wasn’t a mild thing. It’s no wonder it had such an impact, and I realise now just how lucky I am to even be alive. The fact that I didn’t kill myself, either on purpose or by accident, is an absolute miracle.

So now I’m just trying to tell myself that whether I brought this on myself or not, whether I worsened my health during that time or not, it doesn’t matter. I still deserve help. I still deserve ways of relieving my pain, I still deserve accommodations like my walking stick, I still deserve to rest when I need to and my health problems right now are real, no matter how they developed.

I’m going to call the doctors next week and talk about my pain and everything else and see what they can do. I am sick of suffering, I’m sick of guilt, I’m sick of pushing myself too hard until I’m crying in pain and then mentally (or still occasionally physically) beating myself up for not being able to do more.

#personal #suicide tw #self harm tw #abuse tw

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notasiren21 · 4 years

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To those who want to kill themselves:

I’m not going to sugarcoat this at all. I’ll be gentle at times and then rather aggressive. And for good reason...

Because you deserve to fucking live.

I’m aware there’s blatant bullying, discreet and subtle bullying that makes you question if you’re just being sensitive and taking things too seriously (most of the time you’re not, trust me), neglect, familial issues, and then situational instances that pound into your heart and head consistently.

Believe it or not, but the cliché term of “it does get better” is true, just as long as you yourself is willing to check its validity and try.

I thought of several ways like drowning myself in the bathtub and hoping my fingertips would slip on the rims so I couldn’t pull myself up when my body got weak/ holding a knife to my chest while crying/ contemplating on just taking those three steps into the road when I was supposed to get the mail/ jumping off my balcony/ finishing off my oxycodone pills from a wisdom teeth surgery/ etc.

Maybe I’m a coward or was weak, but I could never follow through with it. Just left with that same bottle lying in a medicine basket somewhere or had a brief puncture mark on my chest that just broke the skin with the tip, whatever.

Crying myself to sleep almost every night because it was too much.

Honestly, I think being a coward and weak was the best thing to happen to me.

I lost a boyfriend from how much my anxiety and suicidal thoughts consumed me and had to tell my parents why I was dumped which led to me seeing their faces when I fessed up and said “I’m not happy, I’m not okay”.

It’s funny because I’ve had a cry for help several times through stuff I’ve written and published on fanfic sites, stuff I’ve given to my teacher to read senior year, literally telling my AP Lit class two years ago I was depressed and thought suicidal shit (only 8 of us in that class and teacher) and being told “it’s just like that sometimes, gotta shake it off”, “don’t let people’s words get to you”, “yea, same” and having a teacher pretend like she heard nothing.

That one time I was brave, and I was waved off.

I know there are times where you finally find your voice for that one split second and then you’re ignored, and you feel yourself rescinding back to mute and distant.

I know you’re plastering a smile on constantly to fool others because you’re afraid what will happen when they find out.

It sucks, doesn’t it?

When you hear so many voices in your head playing that record on repeat of the things you most want to forget. Having those nightmares occur where someone takes the final step to push you to your edge. Seeing the annoyed rolling of eyes or blatant show of disinterest of you.

Nine years of schooling, because after 3rd grade, I was just one of those girls who females decided to hate for breathing or asking a question. So nine years I was trying not to victimize myself in my head and justifying why everyone acted the way they did to me.

Teenage girls and teachers alike made my life hell. The girls never gave me the chance and teachers treated me like I was some lost cause that couldn’t even make it to merit roll and like my work was shit.

“Oh, you sure you can make it into the media production film? I don’t think you’ll be able to make shows like you planned. Maybe try for something else.”

“Your writing is, it’s okay. Try harder next time.”

I struggled with grades in high school and wondered if I’d even graduate.

I made the president’s list my first year of college. Got straight A’s. My English professors loved to leave excited feedback on my essays and were amazed how quickly I could conjure one up and fix my own mistakes before peer review.

My professors talked about me to one another and when I met the new ones, they already knew of me.

My history professor begged me to write a poem for a book he’s writing and publishing near 2021.

My creative writing professor attacked me with an email of compliments over a chapter book of poems I wrote where i took them in the order written so it was me at my worst, to me fooling myself, to me losing and falling back, to me trying for help, to me being the best I’ve ever been. >I also made him cry in a class writing experiment with less than 300 words.

(Idk maybe the bitch is that sensitive but he was chill)

My point is: fucking block out what other people say or do to you. Tell someone you trust you need help and stop kidding yourself.

And please, for the love of god, if it is really that bad then do not make yourself so naive into believing a friend or partner can take the brunt of it all and fix you.

It may work for some time, but if you’re still suffering, they will too and neither of you will win in the end.

I took to therapy and it worked. And I dropped all the toxic shit out of my life and moved on.

I may not use social media besides Tumblr or Discord, but I’m more present in life than I was before and not comparing myself to others anymore.

I dropped friends that made me feel bad and bashed things I liked or would cause issues and I have a peace of mind (as much as one can have one during a pandemic and such).

Get the help. Find ways to receive help if you can’t financially afford it. Find that courage to tell someone you trust that listens to you that you are suffering and need that professional help and to be taken seriously.

I was the first to walk the graduation stage of my 2019 class, and I thought I’d be the first of us to die because I couldn’t move past everything I’ve endured from a large majority of them.

I would’ve missed how positively my life turned around.

I would’ve destroyed my parents, little sister, and brother for being so selfish.

I’m the middle child, the good kid with a career in mind and the mediator of the family. And I’m used to not being the favorite but appreciated one.

My dad confessed to me that I was his favorite and I never want to hear it again.

You never want to hear a man you see as the strongest person you know say that while trying not to cry and keep his voice normal, you don’t want to hear “You were always my favorite” said in such a thick voice it brings tears to your eyes.

Your life matters.

This isn’t Sims where you can move on to the next household member. This isn’t like throwing LEGO R2-D2 off a cliff with that iconic scream only or lose a few coins. This isn’t a fucking game.

And I am so sick of hearing people treat it like some quest you get once in your life:

“You’ll be okay.”

“Cheer up.”

“It’s just a phase.”

Etc.

It’s all fucking bullshit. We live in a world that sugarcoats the severity of someone’s life when it’s presented in front of us while on the precipice of shattering.

You deserve to live. Anyone who tells you otherwise is the one who loses the right to be considered human or a person, not you.

Do not let someone dictate your life’s outcome because they don’t agree with you or like you.

And please, for all that is good in this world, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re alright when you don’t feel it.

Hang in for one extra day to gather the strength and tell someone you need help.

Everyone acts so ashamed of it but it was the best thing that happened to me after being such a weak coward and now, I’m genuinely happy. And it was a lot of work to get here.

Want to know where all my angst and suffering had gone to? Just ask the characters in the books and fanfic content I’ve written. I’m sure they don’t appreciate it, but those stories wouldn’t exist if I gave up then.

And believe it or not, people will fucking miss you like hell if you killed yourself. It’s just too hard to see it right now and I was blinded before too.

Not everyone has the same opinion of you. Not everyone matters in your life.

You’re living this life singlehandedly by yourself while surrounded by others experiencing the same thing. Don’t let that opportunity go to waste.

And if you need distractions, indulge yourself in the harmless guilty pleasures like I do.

It can get better if you just open yourself to it.

It can get better if you get help.

You really must be so tired, isn’t it time you stopped pretending?

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artemisbarnowl · 3 years

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I do think acts of service is a legit love language. I set the coffee pot bc I know my gf likes to sleep in, she picks me up a treat on her way home from work. These things say 'I'm thinking about you even when you aren't here." Service isn't necessarily hierarchichal, doing stuff for someone you care about is a concrete way to make their life better and vice versa

I'll be real sis I was being a bit flippant with the 'acts of service isn't real' and it is good and normal to want to help people and make their life easier but like, it's only normal...if you're a woman.

Here are my beefs. Bear with me I've been shut in my house alone for a month and may have forgotten how to explain my thoughts to people who aren't me. Also I'm talking primarily about romantic relationships here.

- People act like doing household chores necessary to function is a love language. 'I vacuumed so he could come home to a clean house' or 'as soon as he gets home i wash his clothes ans have dinner waiting so he feels appreciated' this is just misogyny! Even in lesbian relationships where there arent expectations set by gender, these maintenance chores need to happen, you should vaccuum and wash dishes because you're an adult who lives in a house and it would be rude to leave it to your partner. For example, my partner doesn't vacuum for me, they vacuum coz houses gotta be vacuumed and they like and deserve to live in a clean house too. (Actually I LOVE vacuuming and would actually stop whatever I was doing and ask If I can vacuum if they tried because i love it so much, but since i moved for uni i live alone and do all the vacuuming I want. Which is not important for this ask at all).

- Theres probably no actual studies on this but I've never met a man who didn't, in his own words, describe his love language as acts of service. Men feel entitled to service, of course they feel happy when they get it.

On the other hand how many women put acts of service first? Of course people can communicate in all 5, but how many women say they would most prefer a partner who does stuff for them, OVER spending time with or telling them they how much they value and appreciate and enjoy them?

Culturally speaking, men doing things to help their wives (and I mean actually help their wife as a person not help the household or do things they should already be doing like housework) is taboo. Men will likely be made fun of for making an extra special lunch for their female partner, or taking half a day off to accompany her to an appointment for somwthing she'd rather not do alone or something. The few men who know about love languages AND take the time to learn about and communicate in their partners, are already way less than the amount of women doing more than their fair share of household labour, and probably still aren't going out of their way to help their partner. Either around the house or with 'real' acts of love.

LASTLY, maybe building off the first point, I dont think there are that many examples of acts of service that aren't just, being a decent human people. Oh you are tired/sick/injured? I will go get groceries for dinner. Your car is being repaired? I will take you to work. I am NOT doing them as a way to say I love you, I am doing them because frankly, this is sort of expected common decency and if they wouldn't do the same what are you even doing together?

Small things like putting the kettle on are great, they are little sprinkles of sweetness throughout the day, but i think it is much rarer to be able to DO something really big for your partner, purely as a show of love and appreciation, than it is for any other type of big romantic gesture in any other language.

Here's where I'd put some witty meme ending like thats that on that or what's not clicking but yeah this is one hill of many but im not dying on it today.

I just like talking so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#while writing this i stsrted to wonder if i feel entitled to basic help and human decency from others and like yep turns out i do!#good for me though that is self worth if i ever saw it #OH ALSO buying random snacks or treats for people while out is GIFTS not acts of service #you didnt do anything you werent already doing you just spent 3 dollars on an extra item in your basket

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noctomania · 3 years

Text

Just having a moment

Dad already had been fighting a lung infection for a while when the pandemic hit. After about the first year, I think, of the pandemic his health has steadily gotten worse. It's been one thing after another and now we're looking at a situation where he may be facing the end of his life. He can't breathe well on his own and he has an extreme phobia of wearing a mask so he's been apparently a bit difficult during the pandemic in terms of wearing a mask, but also now that he needs a mask to help him breathe. The only way they could get it to work was sedating him (with his permission) so he can wear it.

I'm at work rn but I'm not *here* really. I couldn't tell you anything about the last hour. Ive not cried, the only time i really felt close to crying was bc I was hearing my sister cry on the phone. I'd known this was coming and I guess either I'm prepared? Or just hasn't really hit yet? Idk. It's complicated bc my relationship with my parents lately has not been great, we don't really talk. I still haven't talked to my stepmom. I don't know how to explain why I feel a way towards them. Bc it's not like a blunt obvious issue yanno? It's just they have a culture about them that I don't deal well with i guess.

I don't know that I'll be able to speak to him before he passes, idk what the next steps are, and I can't be there so I'm just stuck knowing that things are going south and that I have nothing to do but sit and wait for the inevitable. It's not that I don't feel anything, I feel sick and tired and frustrated. But also plain overwhelmed so I can't even get the energy to deal with any of that feeling. I do care, I just deal with things differently bc I have to.

Anything to do with family immediately triggers a ton of shit I don't want to think about yet think about all too often. I can't shut shit off. And what's worse is there is also a part of my brain saying I'm selfish and petty and that nothing but other people's issues matter and all that shit. That if i had real problems I wouldn't be where i am. But then i remember I'm only where i am bc I have fought so hard to keep from giving up even though I have wanted, dreamed, fantasized about not having to fight anymore and just giving up.

Do you know how infuriated i get with myself when I am triggered by a fuckin pill bottle bc I feel like I'm the one who made myself mentally ill? But i have to give myself grace and remind myself that I'm not in a tunnel and that isn't Destiny - i just need to let the moment pass and the moment pass and the moment pass. That nobody makes themselves miserable on purpose. That not all issues have a place to lay blame. That the important thing is to try to take care of myself. Which is hard when I'm not getting the prompts I should or don't understand them or whatever.

When i last talked to dad he said he'd always been proud of me. Idk why or how. I'd never really thought about whether or not I make them proud. Idk why. I've felt just difficult, inconvenient, a financial drain. When i moved into their house they put me to work as soon as it was legal, when it was exhausting me bc I was in school and literally hurting bc my feet are shit, I was shamed for quitting. When I was turning 18 i was given an ultimatum to either go to college - which I did not want to do bc I had no idea what I wanted to do & it was a lot of money - or move out and find a way to live off of what a queer 18yo in texas fresh out of high school could find to sustain them. Somewhat homeless during college, as every holiday and summer break it was like ok who is going to let me sleep on their couch while the dorms are closed? Eternally grateful to those who put me up here. Can think of at least 3 households who did. I hate accepting help. It was humbling and I always tried to be a good guest. I never felt like I was good enough and always felt like a burden despite never being treated as such by these households. They treated me as family.

That continued as college ended going from couch to a full time live-in temp job to scrambling to find an apartment that I couldn't really afford when ppl couldn't put me up anymore. Applying to over a hundred jobs. Then landing an overpriced room in a precarious situation I was too naive at the time to navigate that also almost landed me on the street. When I reached out to my parents just for guidance on what I could do, they took it as me asking to move in with them (which i never asked for that i recall), said they couldn't help me, and that I'd have to sign up for the military if I was struggling (which was illegal at the time bc of the trans ban they clearly didn't care to know about despite knowing their son is trans) Anyway...

Idk what there was of me to be proud of. What did I do? What you told me to do? Is that what you're proud of? My submissiveness? Ruining my life for your opinion?

He also asked if I was happy. Happy? In this world? In this pandemic? I said I'm content bc at this point I didn't feel allowed to complain about anything but certainly couldn't lie. I wasn't allowed to feel vulnerable about what I'm facing every day. Someone always has it worse.

Well no shit someone always "has it worse", bc that's not a real standard. Am I not allowed to say it's hot out bc people in hell don't get snow cones?

Part of self care I've had to learn is that grace with yourself and taking yourself seriously. This is a very hard thing to do for some of us. Some of us will let ourselves get to a point where it's worse than had we dealt with it earlier on. Some of us struggle with knowing what it looks like to ask for help or where or how or even allowed to. Or even necessarily to know when we should.

I'm trying to balance the self care with trying not to be self-absorbed. I'm trying to still differentiate between the two as somewhere along the way I'd been taught they are the same when it comes to me but nobody else. I'm trying not to believe this whole post is self pity bc it's really just relaying the facts. I just can't help but imagine the shit being talked about me behind my back bc I know it happens.

Idk there's no real end to this and i should be more focused at work. I just needed to dump this off.

#dear god im an emotionally complex person but i dont feel like i have permission to be

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

#survey #surveys #questions

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lumiolivierlithium · 3 years

Text

The Good Old Days Chapter Three: Abuela’s Food Truck

Chapter One: Rich Broads are the Worst

Chapter Two: Step Into My Office

A/N: Hi, friends! So, here we are. Another week for a little more exposition into the life of a future mafia boss. Well...A Frankie, anyway. Are you ready? Because I am. And this week, we’re introducing a very important someone in this man’s life...Possibly one of the most important. Let’s go. x

The phrase, hell hath no fury like a woman scorn can take on many a meaning. But…Whoever said that has never seen a Spanish mother after her sons come home late from work without a warning. That’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies, no matter how badly they’ve fucked me over. They could’ve cut my foot off and shoved it up my ass and I still wouldn’t wish Mama’s anger on them. It’s not a pretty sight, kids. It’s not a pretty sight.

“DÓNDE DEMONIOS HAS ESTADO?!” Mama screeched at the top of her lungs, beyond pissed off.

“Lo ciento, Mama…” I took that bullet, “We stopped for drinks after work.”

“PODRÍAS HABERME DICHO!”

“It was a last-minute thing, Mama,” Tony tried to calm her down, but Mama only got angrier. Or so we thought.

Instead, she pulled the three of us in, “You had me worried…”

“We’re sorry, Mama,” César spoke softly, hoping that would help lessen the blow a bit.

“At least call next time,” Mama dropped it, “Please.”

“Si, Mama….”

“All three of you,” she ordered, “Bed.”

And heaven forbid we went against that. Tony and César took off like bats out of hell, but I stayed behind. I had to tell her. We worried her enough. Since she brought us here all those years ago, she always worried about us. Whether or not she’d be able to keep food on the table. Whether or not we weren’t growing up stupid. Or that she was raising us the right way. And she had to do this all on her own. I knew it exhausted her and there was no one on the face of this earth that deserved a break more than her.

“Mama…” I kept my voice down. Our neighbors had heard enough from us tonight, “Puedo hablar contigo?”

“Of course, mijo,” she and I sat in the living room, her arm around me. The way it’s always been, “Que es…? Tu bien?”

“Si, si, si,” I calmed her down, “It’s just…A man came into the restaurant tonight. He’s the one we went for drinks with. He said he’d be able to help us out.”

“How?” Of course that would put Mama’s radar up, “And why is he so concerned with us?”

“He’s not really concerned with us,” I explained, “It’s more like he’s concerned with me. He sees potential in me, Mama.”

“I’m not surprised,” she took my hands, “There’s always been potential in you, Francisco. Your father saw that in you. I see that in you. Even though they’re too stubborn to admit it, your brothers see that in you. You need to see that in you, too.”

“I know,” I nodded, “But he told me I was a natural born leader.”

“You are!”

“Mama,” I hushed her, “He’s willing to take care of us if I come work for him. He even wants to take on César and Tony, too.”

“Dios le ayude…”

“Mama…” I giggled a bit.

“Look, Francisco,” Mama explained herself, “I love your brothers more than anything, but…Sometimes, they don’t make the smartest of choice. That’s what they have you for.”

“You’re very right,” I confirmed, “But I couldn’t ask for better guys watching my back, you know?”

“Why would you need someone watching your back?” she worried, “Who is this man?”

“He’s a good man, Mama,” I promised.

“Would you bring him here for dinner?”

“I don’t see why not,” I thought it over. That was always Mama’s test of someone’s character. If I’d allow them a spot at our table, they’re good enough for her.

“Then, it’s settled,” she decided, “You bring this man to me. You let me meet him. Then, you decide if you work for him. Now, go to bed, Francisco.”

“Si, Mama,” I kissed her cheek, “Buenos noches.”

“Buenos noches, mijo,” Mama sent me off to bed. Wait…Did she just tell me to bring the Old Man to dinner? Because as much as that’s definitely on brand for her, it’s kind of sudden. I mean, I just had drinks with him tonight. I didn’t think I’d already be bringing him around to meet my mother. Why does this sound like we’re dating? He’s possibly my new boss, not my date.

“Where have you been?” César put out the end of his cigarette in the ashtray by his bed.

“Talking to Mama,” I climbed into bed, ready to pass out. It’s been a long night and tequila works like fucking NyQuil on me, “I thought I’d let her weigh in on the Old Man.”

“And?” Tony wondered, “What did she have to say about him?”

“I’m supposed to invite him over for dinner…” I stared up at the ceiling.

“And where are you registered, Frankie?” César teased.

Without missing a beat, I reached over the edge of my bed, grabbed my boot, and threw it at my idiot brother across the room, “Fuck off. That’s not what this is about. You make me sound like his sugar baby. He said I’d be working for him, not fucking him. Big difference.”

“Maybe one of us should get into the sugar baby racket,” Tony joked, “At least we’d be able to get out of this shithole.”

“You’re not wrong,” I agreed, “But we’re not that desperate.”

“Desperate enough to let a mob boss meet our mother,” César rolled over.

“Mama insisted,” I backed off, “And far be it for me to tell Mama no. Think about it. If Mama likes the guy, how bad could he be?”

“That’s true,” Tony took my side, “But what if he’s not nearly as good of a guy as you think he is? Then, he’ll not only know where we live, but he could easily get to her. Is that really a position we need to be in, Frankie?”

“Have you ever seen Mama go all out?” César peeked over his shoulder, “I was with her once when someone tried mugging her. Needless to say, the guy’s attempt did not go over well. I’m pretty sure she can protect herself, if it came down to it. She’s ruthless with a knife. Slit the guy’s hand wide open and threw tissues on it from her purse. Don’t underestimate her.”

“Why didn’t you do something about it?” I wondered. César has always been the great protector of the family. I’m surprised Mama had to handle that on her own.

“Because we were still living in Spain,” he remembered, “I was…maybe six? I know it was before you two were born. Hell, she might have been pregnant with Tony. It was right around the time when we found out Papi was sick. Not exactly a stellar month in the Mendoza household.”

“Ay…” I winced.

“Now, both of you,” César ordered, “Get some sleep. I’m tired as shit.”

“Me, too,” Tony rolled over, “Good night.”

“Night…” But I don’t think I was going to get much for sleep that night. The thought of inviting the Old Man to dinner still hung over my head. I didn’t even know if I was going to take the job yet. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure on what I’d even be doing. Yet, Mama seemed to think it was a good idea. I mean, it still hung in the balance of her judgment, but…I don’t know. Something tells me she’d be less enthusiastic about it if she knew he was mafia.

“Frankie…” I felt a hand on my cheek, doing its best to wake me up. Because the blinding sun wasn’t doing a good enough job, apparently, “Frankie…Wake up, hermanito. We got shit to do today.”

“Not until tonight,” I pulled my blankets over my head and rolled away, “Fuck off.”

“It’s one o’clock, Frankie.” I loved my brothers, but César was about to be short one hand. And I’d gladly shove it down his throat at this point.

“And?” I groaned, trying to go back to sleep, “We don’t have shit to do until tonight, César. If you value your life, you’ll back the fuck off.”

“I do value my life,” César sat next to me, “But get up. Mama needs us to go to the grocery store for her.”

“Alright…” I couldn’t say no to that. As much as I wanted to. As much as I wanted to go back to sleep for the next hour or so. I couldn’t say no to Mama. Besides, it’s either have César being an asshole when he wakes me up or have Mama wake me up and seethe the whole time. I’m good with the first one. I pushed myself out of bed and pulled myself together. All because Mama needs a few things from the store. The shit I do for her…And I’d do it all again on an endless loop if that’s what she wanted.

I wasn’t going to complain, though. The three of us left unattended in the grocery store was always a delight. Especially when we just got paid. It wasn’t necessarily the grocery store that got me all excited. It was the food truck that sat outside the grocery store that knew us all by name. And the woman that ran it was an absolute sweetheart. She treated us like her own grandchildren. And no other place in the city had better food than her.

With the prospects of breakfast on my mind and Mama at work, my brothers and I headed down the street and over a few blocks. There she sat. Abuela’s food truck. And damn…I could smell it down the block. I felt a five in my jacket pocket from the tip jar last night. It burned a burrito shaped hole in my stomach. And in my heart. While César was left to babysit Tony in the grocery store, I gladly turned on the charm and walked up to the open window.

“Francisco!” Abuela sang out, “Hola, cariño!”

“Hola, Abuela,” I melted inside, sliding a five-dollar bill on the window ledge, “I think you know what I’m looking for.”

“I thought you weren’t going to show up today,” she awed, my tortilla already on the flat top and my horchata in her hand, “You had me worried.”

“Slept in a little,” I chuckled to myself, “I’d love to stay and chat, but I need to make this quick before César and Tony get done.”

“What?” she jabbed, “You need to get rid of the evidence before they find out?”

“You know me all too well, Abuela,” I loved this woman. She understood me in ways no one else could. Except for maybe Mama, but even she’d be yelling at me to get something for César and Tony, too. Abuela? She got it.

Then…There she was. My beautiful silver baby. She was the size of my forearms and stuffed to the fucking gills with carne asada, rice, beans, a little bit of chorizo, jalapenos, and cheese. And all with a little dash of love inside. Few things in life made me feel so complete. This…This definitely put me in a good place. My big ass burrito, my big ass horchata, and I still had a dollar fifty left. It’s a good day. Abuela passed it through her window, “Aqui, niño.”

“Muchas gracias, Abuela,” I swooned, already tasting that magical combination in my mouth. And she always made it just right without fail.

“De nada,” she gave me the sweetest little smile. If the burrito didn’t warm me inside, that did. But then, the moment was killed.

“Hey, Frankie!” César came up behind me with Tony close behind him.

“What?” Tony threw an arm around me, “Didn’t think to get any for the rest of us?”

“Hey,” I held my horchata straw away from César’s lips, “It’s my once a week guilty pleasure. Let me have this!”

“Hola, chicos,” Abuela greeted them, “Did you want something, too?”

“Por favor, Abuela,” César nodded while I pushed them both the fuck off me. They don’t get any of my burrito. This was mine and mine alone. Besides, burritos aren’t exactly sharable. Unless we split it, but I don’t think so.

The three of us took lunch away from Abuela’s truck and started heading back home. I didn’t care what kind of night I was going to have at work. I didn’t care about what pain the ass customers were going to be a monumental case of hemorrhoids tonight. I had my big ass burrito. And all was well. My brothers and I sat around our kitchen table, indulging ourselves in only the finest of cuisine Williamsburg had to offer, enjoying our brief moment of zen.

“Those rich assholes have no idea what they’re missing,” Tony swooned, just as wrapped up in Abuela’s cooking as the rest of us.

“Preach, brother, preach,” I agreed, “You really think any of them would be caught dead scoring from a food truck? Hell no. The food’s too good for them. They don’t deserve it.”

“Amen,” César tipped one of his taquitos to me.

“Hey, guys,” Tony threw his head back, “I don’t think I can eat any more.”

“Do it…” I teased him, “Come on, Tony…I believe in you.”

“Unless you want me puking all over this table,” Tony sighed out, “I can’t do it.”

“That’s what you get for ordering nachos, cabrón,” César kicked the man while he was down, “You know how Abuela does it. If it’s not big enough share with four other people, you probably shouldn’t attempt to eat it alone.”

“And it’s so damn good,” I drooled.

“Someone else can finish them,” Tony shut his eyes, “Because I sure as hell can’t.”

“Pussy,” César gladly took the end of Tony’s nachos. Good. Because I don’t think I would’ve been able to do it. And César has always been a bottomless pit.

However, something weighed a bit heavier on my mind, “Hey, you guys don’t think getting in the Old Man’s pocket is a bad idea, do you?”

“Terribly,” Tony groaned. Oh, yeah. He overdid it. He’s about to go into a food coma.

“I don’t know,” César admitted, “I got to thinking about it. If there’s someone willing to help, who are we to slap that kind of hand away? I mean, I know we’re not exactly living the high life here, but maybe it might be nice to live it a little. Or at least pretend we do. When you were talking to Mama last night about it, did you tell her he was mafia?”

“No, no, no, no, no,” I shook my head, the room stopping about ten seconds after I did. Holy shit…Bad idea, “I couldn’t. I just said there was a good man wanting to help us.”

“You sure about this, Frankie?” Tony worried, “I’m sure there’s a better way.”

“Ever the optimist, Tony,” I gave him a pat on the shoulder, “If there is a better way, I’m not seeing it in the immediate future. This is an opportunity being dropped in our laps. And a fucking golden one, if I do say so myself. What do we have to lose?”

“Each other,” Tony pointed out, “If we fuck up and cross the wrong person, Frankie, someone’s getting taken out. I don’t know about you, but I like you guys. I like Mama. I don’t want any of us getting hurt over this.”

“Worse than we’ve already been hurt?” I argued, “Tony, there has to be something better than this. And it’s staring us right in the face. I’m not saying we’re desperate, but we’d be fucking stupid to throw this away.”

“I mean…” I could see it all over Tony’s face. He didn’t like this. At least César was willing to give it a shot, “I’m not going to abandon you, Frankie. You know that.”

“Me either,” César promised, “Todos o ninguno de nosotros.”

“That’s right,” I nodded, “I don’t know. We’ll see how tonight goes.”

#The Good Old Days #fanfic prequel #Switch #For the Family #OC backstory #mafia au

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