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robin-the-enby · 2 months

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Hi! Can I get an angst/comfort fic of Arthur with a female s/o who is depressed and suicidal? Like he walks in on his s/o c*tting while having a mental breakdown? Or he just notices the cuts/scars? Or he walks in on his s/o bl33ding out?? Idk you can get creative with it I’ve just been having an extremely rough couple months. If this makes you uncomfortable then you can just ignore this request, but thanks anyways! I hope you have a great day/night!! <3

It's my problem if I feel the need to hide

Pairing: Arthur x f!reader

Summary: You feel under the weather, but decide not to tell anyone. As your condition only worsens, your friends start to worry about you. It's when you decide to let everything go your knight with blue eyes and a cheeky smile comes to the rescue.

Warnings: depression, suicidal ideation, not being able to care for oneself (containing lack of hygiene and proper meals), mentions of vomit(ing) (3), negative self talk, dark thoughts

A/N: I am so sorry for the delay of this fic, I hope it will be of use to you still. I haven't written for this fandom in a long while, so getting back to it was a little hard, though I enjoyed it none the less. I tried not to use any (Y/N)s and make it as racially neutral as possible, as well as appearance-neutral (Arthur carries reader 1 time, but he's stronger than a regular human, and y'all deserve it ladies, no matter your size). If anyone wants to talk about anything at all, my dms are open, as well as my ask box. Take care of yourselves and stay safe!

The human mind is possibly nature's greatest invention. The complexity with which all its components interact to keep the body functioning is nothing short of phenomenal. And not only that, but it is aware of itself, encasing its own conscience inside a safe vessel, built and evolved specifically to protect it. And as time progressed, and all the basic needs of the body were cared for, there came a need to create. The body could easily be fed, but the conscience needed a different type of sustenance.

The human mind is capable of incredible things. It can set goals for itself as well as achieve them. It shaped the entire world to its liking, for better or for worse. The human mind is the reason why we live the lives we do today. It is the thing that keeps us alive and sane.

It's funny how drastically that can change.

If you'd ask any of the men residing in the mansion on who the worst enemy of humans is, you're sure all of them would at least mention the human conscience, if not directly choose it. After all, their lives have been woven through with the thread of sorrow, the perpetrator being none other than the human mind- theirs or someone else's.

At this point, you feel like you've at least got a peek at the complex inner worlds of history's greatest minds. Some you knew better than others, but you've been le Comte's servant for long enough to consider all the mansion's residents at least friends.

It was evident to anyone who has been in the mansion for at least a month that all of the people (and vampires) residing in it had some sort of baggage, wearing them down even in their second undead life. Some were better at hiding it than others, some just felt more comfortable keeping their troubles to themselves, while others' emotions and traumas were sometimes too great, too overwhelming to be kept locked inside their bodies.

You've tried your best to help those who needed it, both physically and mentally. It helped a few to open up to you at least a little and as time went on, with your hard work, you've earned respect for yourself even amongst the toughest nuts in the mansion. Poking through others' personal affairs and traumas carried along numerous fights as well as apologies and in the end just served to strengthen the bond between you and the residents. And yet, at times like these...you couldn' help but feel alone.

Like all the others, you had to shoulder the burden of traumas, insecurities and unpleasant experiences collected unwillingly throughout your life. You suspected the others knew of this, or at least had a hunch that you, like all of them, haven't had the pleasure of living a carefree life.

They saw you as an independent, strong and courageous woman, resilient and kind in any situation. And if you were in the right state of mind, you would agree. But lately, you began to doubt these traits of yours, the ones you valued so much and were valued for.

You weren't a stranger to struggling and you knew that anyone in need of help deserved to receive it and should not be scared to ask for it.

So why did the thought of asking for help make your stomach churn?

You've been pondering that question for a few days now. Lately, your entire reality seemed to have shifted. At first, you didn't think anything was wrong, a simple bad day, or a bad week wasn't anything to be too worried about. Nothing a nice, relaxing weekend couldn't fix, right? And yet, when you had tasks to complete, you felt agitated and annoyed, but when you had nothing to do, you were antsy and restless. Always feeling like something should be happening, like you should be doing something. For some reason, you couldn't make yourself to do the things you felt you should be doing.

Soon everything has become a bother. Tasks you could usually do with one hand were suddenly so hard that by the end of the day, the thought of bathing or changing into clean clothes made you want to scream until your throat was sore. And so you chipped away at your routine that you so painstainkingly built when you appeared in this time, until the only remaining activities in your days were your work and some basic necessities.

You knew it was getting bad. And it constantly created an almost numbing whirlwind of emotions you really didn't need right now. Why was this happening? What brought it on? Why now?? Is it going to get worse? All these questions and none you had an answer to. You had guesses and various techniques you learnt here and there back in your time, but...you couldn't bring yourself to do anything.

You were trapped. At least it felt like it. Trapped inside yourself, inside your mind. You knew you should tell someone, that if you let it go on, it would sooner or later consume you. But you couldn't do anything. It was as if your body didn't listen to you.

It seemed the residents were starting to get suspicious of your strange mood as of late. There were times when one of them would approach you and carefully ask about your wellbeing, and as much as you wanted to say something, you never did. You logically knew that the first step would be the one to break through the loop, the one that would make all the others just a little bit easier until you felt normal again. But anytime you tried to break through the selfdestructive habits you had fallen into, a wave of such tirednes, nausea and shame overcame you, that you simply caved to your mind's twisted whispers.

You concluded that your best option at this moment was to lay low and let it pass. Your days have become a steady routine of wake up, work, go to bed. And repeat. It was manageable, at first, even with the onslaught of thoughts your mind was conjuring, managing to come up with more and more ways to taunt you with. But as days and then weeks passed, your energy slowly seeped away from your body and it retaliated by shutting off and out anything unnecessary to save as much of what was remaining.

These things included mostly socialising. You became less talkative, while you would usually enthusiastically engage in conversations, if not outright start them, lately you would not speak unles directly spoken to. It has taken a toll on your concentration as well. Many times when someone would try to strike up a conversation with you, they'd have to repeat their question or even call out your name mid-conversation, because mentally you just weren't there. These things not only started to worry Sebastian, your biggest constant in your new life, given that you worked alongside him every day, but also the other residents. You knew of this, as out of it as you might have seemed and/or have been these past few weeks, you knew that they noticed, because you knew them. But what started as a simple snowball had alrady turned into an avalanche and you had to admit that you were no longer in control.

Not that you really cared. You knew you should care, should be trying harder than ever to break out of this spell, but you couldn't. And every time you might have felt strong enough to confess how you were feeling, to lean on someone, to get the help you knew you needed, a sudden pang of fear pierced your chest and you shrivelled back, back into your own small shell that was your skull.

Trying to find a reason for this foolish anxiety proved not so easy, when your mind would make up about five reasons why you should keep your mouth shut every time you even dared to ask yourself such a question.

What if they didn't believe you?

What if it wasn't not that bad?

What if you were just making it up? Making it seem bigger than it is?

These people have gone through so much. They've seen war, witnessed and felt abuse and probably had been through things you couldn't even imagine. Why should they help you, when they're the ones who needed help?

You were not worthy.

Such comparisons were something you chastised anyone who would confess experiencing them for. And yet, when it came to you, it felt like a holy truth. Something that could not and should not be questioned. Because you don't want to be selfish, do you?

You've dealt with this by yourself before, surely you could do it again and not drag down others with you. These and many others became your daily mantras. Lay low, hide, be small, don't make a noise. Survive. But was that really how you wanted to live? If you could even call that a living. You were surviving, yes, but at what cost? For a promise of a period of time where you wouldn't feel like the world is made out of cardboard? A period of time where you wouldn't feel like screaming and crying every second of every day? And how long would that last? A few months, a year maybe? Was it really worth the struggle?

You blinked yourself out of your thoughts when someone vigorously snapped in front of your eyes. Looking around in slight daze, your eyes fall upon a smiling face. "There you are! Theo says he's just waiting for you to walk face first into a wall!" Arthur says cheerily, showing you his signature smirk. "I, like the good friend I am, keep defending you of course. But it's hard when your mind seems to get further and further away from us every day. At this rate, you'll wander off into Seine soon. And we wouldn't want that, would we?" he playfully jabbed at you.

You could feel yourself shaking your head, but the only thing you could focus on was how nice it acually seemed, the cold water seeping through clothes and circling your limbs, the undercurrents keeping you down, where nothing could get you, laying you down onto the riverbed, weighed by the water in your lungs... "So, what's going on in that noggin of yours, hm?"

Arthur was, besides Sebastian, the closest person to you out of all the others. You enjoyed his easygoing demeanor and his jokes never failed to make you laugh. He was a terrible flirt though, and someties could be pretty pushy with his advances as you've realised over the time you two spent together. Luckilly, after a firm conversation backed up by Theo, he had calmed down significantly towards you. The writer still heavily complimented you, always putting that silver tongue of his to use, but you thought nothing of it. He was like that with everyone, even some of the other residents, so the possibility of it ever meaning anything more than banter or a simple compliment never even crossed your mind.

"You're doing it again." the man in question sighed. You blinked at him with confusion. As if reading your thoughts, Arthur clarified "You're in your head again. It must be something really interesting in there to make you so distracted." he joked again, but his expression turned serious "But honestly, what's going on? You haven't been yourself for quite a while now and everyone's getting worried. Even Wolf asked me if I knew what was up with you the other day!" the writer looked at you intently "You know that we're here for you, right? Even if you feel like it's stupid, if you need anything, you can tell us."

You averted your eyes from Arthur' piercing gaze. You knew his words were sincere and it made your chest squeeze uncomfortably. Looking straight ahead, in the direction which you were going, you answered, trying to make your voice as leveled as you could "Thank you for worrying Arthur, but I'm alright, really. I've been thinking of asking le Comte for a break. It would be nice to have some off time." This wasn't a complete lie, since having some down time, where you could pretend time has stopped really did sound appealing, but now you'd have to actually go and ask the good count, which you really didn't want to. Not because you were worried you wouldn't be given a break, but because it was another plan to be made and you barely had enough energy to last you until the end of the day, much less go somewhere out of your own volition.

Arthur knew that you were lying, or at least not telling him everything, so he grinned at you again and spoke confidently "Alright, love, the game is on! I gave you a chance to explain youself, but it seems I'll have to solve this mystery myself." he winked at you and you expected him to take his leave. But Arthur softly grabbed your arm and stopped you in the middle of the halway you were in. Turning to face him in his hold you looked at him questioningly. His smile is much softer now, and if you could focus properly, you would see worry glinting in his eyes "If you ever change your mind, you can stop by. Day, night, doen't matter. We're here for you, love. I'm here for you. Just as much as you're here for us." and as soon as he finished speakig, he was gone. Down the hallway, in the direction of his room. You quietly turned around, trying to process the strange encounter while you went your way.

Your mind was surprisingly quiet for a few hours after that.

You eventually did end up in le Comte's study. Nerves were wracking your body and mind the entire day and when you finally did enter the dreaded room, after all your chores were done for the day, you felt like you would start crying at any moment. For some reason, you felt awful for doing this. You didn't need the break. You didn't need off time to get better physically or because you had too many chores. Why did you want a break, besides Arthur catching on that there was, indeed, something wrong? The only thing you had planned for this break of yours was rotting away in your bed and doing as little as humanely possible. Maybe fate would be so kind and take you away in your sleep. Let you wither away like an overwatered flower.

You tried to make the discussion as quick as possible. Fortunately, the count didn't ask too many questions about your wellbeing and the reason for taking a break, remembering well that you haven't had one in a good while. He did ask if you consulted Sebas about it and you forced down a shudder at the mention of your good friend's name. Not because the butler was opposed to you taking a break, he actually kindly insisted you take one, revealing that he also noticed your mental absence in the past weeks, which could be almost counted as a month now. The worry and confusion in his tone as well as his expression made you wish he told you to stay, to help him, anything to try and convince you to not do what you were about to.

Why were you so worried? There wasn't a reason you should feel bad about taking a break. Even if you physically were just as spry as a grasshopper, taking a break for the sake of mental health was just as important. But deep down, you coudn't lie to yourself. Deep down you knew you were going to give up completely. Either for someone to find you, or to be left to rot. And right now, you hoped for the latter, even if it was still scary to admit.

After Comte gave you a week off, asking if it was enough time for you, which you hastily confirmed, feeling bile rise up your throat and wishing for the comfines of your room, your shaky legs and hazy mind managed to carry you to your room. After spending some time emptying the contents of your stomach, which were absolutely too small you would bet, you nothing but collapsed onto your bed. Mouth unrinsed, hair oily and ruffled, it had finally dawned on you how much of a mess you must have loked like. This realisation finally seemed to open the dam that was holding back everything you were feeling. The disgust, the shame, the fear, the anxiety the heavines, the loneliness, but most importnatly the longing.

Fast, salty tears carried all of that out of your body, leaving your face a puffy, sticky mess. Suddenly, you felt rage boil inside of your chest, sprading quickly to your head. Why didn't you say anything? You were so worried and because of what? Your own mind? Could you be any more stupid? The very same mind that put you through absolute hell this past month was now angry at itself, at its own actions. Why did the world have to be this cruel? Why couldn't it grant you the simple request of a mind that would not try to sabotage itself? And now it was too late.

Yo chose this, you thought to yourself. You chose this and these were the consequences of your actions. As if the tears have released all your pent up frustration in your body, all that it left was numbness. A kind of numbness that made your eyelids heavy, making them gravitate towards each other and pulling you into a deep, calm slumber. The kind of slumber you have not been able to achieve for more than the month you've been actively suffering. But also the kind of slumber that would not bring you closer to salvation.

You woke up, not knowing the time and not really finding yourself caring either. You felt strangely...calm. There was no hunger, no thirst, nothing. Only suffocating quiet, the likes of which you would feel in the deep blue of the ocean. You laid stil for what felt like hours, but could have also been minutes, before you succumbed to unconsciousness again.

This has gone on for a few days of your week long break. At one point you felt the pang of hunger, yet you had no will to satiate it. You only rose from your bed late into the night, when the squeezing walls of your stomach, at this point surely eating itself, threatened to spill nothing but its own acid. You tiptoed as quietly as your stiff muscles could into the kitchen, and after munching on some bread and water, because even though you got up, you still didn't feel like cooking, or that you deserved anything more than the simplest of dishes, you quietly stalked the halls back into your room. You fell asleep again, your stomach satisfied, or maybe convinced into satisfaction by your mind, the last thing you heard was the faint sound of Mozart's piano in the dead of the night.

This cycle had repeated for another few days. Your days were interrupted by quiet knocking that would wake you from your slow decline, and sometimes joined by murmurs behind the door. You couldn't find it in you to care. The door wasn't locked. At one point, you could swear you saw a shadow in your window, but it was gone too soon for your slowed mind to focus on it.

One morning, somewhere at the end of your break, not that you were keeping track of time, your door opened. A gust of fresh air was the first thing that barged its way into your room, chasing out the old and musty, albeit warm air from it. You shivered and wiggled deeper under your covers, grumbling hoarsely in protest. Your half asleep mind registered someone slowly walking into your room, as if they were scared to find out what was in it. You kept your eyes closed.

Arthur knelt down beside your bed, looking at your sickly, worn out face. Carefully sneaking his arm under your blanket, his hand searched for yours until it could take it into its own. Caressing your knuckles with his thumb, he cooed softly "Oh, love. I am so sorry. I am so sorry we let this get so far." You didn't respond. What was there to say? "It isn't your fault" you croaked out quietly, not having enough energy to say it loudly and fearing your voice wouldn't work.

"Why did you hide from us? We would've helped..." the writer almost whined, and you could feel the guilt and worry radiating from him. You wanted so desperately to answer, to give him a good reason for how foolish you were acting, but you couldn't. There was nothing that would excuse you. Nothing.

Seeing your slightly open eyes well up with tears, Arthur rushed closer to comfort you. Shushing and soothing you like a small child after a booster shot, he held you close and you tried not to weep hader. "It's alright, love, everything is alright. I've got you. I've got you now, it's good. You're alright."

After you calmed down slightly, you wanted nothing more than to shoo him away, close yourself off again an bury yourself into your bed to get away from the immense shame you felt. But Arthur seemed to be having none of that. He softly but insistently reached under you and helped you sit up with one arm, holding your hand with the other still. you couldn't bring yourslf to look him in the eye and yet his tone never changed from the soft lull he comforted you with. "Come on now, darling. Let's get you cleaned up."

Your mind wanted desperately to push back at him, scream and yell and fight, but you almost limply let him straighten you up and help you walk over to the bathroom. The writer's heart nearly broke in two as he saw you in the same clothes you were in when he last spoke to you. The image of you suffering in silence for so long made him nearly tear up as well, but he held himself back, focusing on you being his biggest priority.

He ran a bath for you, helped you out of your clothes, his gaze never cascading from your face, looking for any signs of overstepping any boundaries and when he found none, he helped you into the bathtub, first washing your hair and then your body, asking if you could and wanted to handle your private parts yourself. You whispered out a small yes, feeling somewhat ashamed still and wanting to make his efforts a bit easier. Letting you soak in the blissfully warm water, a question appeared in your mind "Arthur..." you called out quietly "Were you the one knocking at my door?" you asked timidly, not knowing fully if it wasn't some kind of delirium your mind put you through. The writer's face became solemn as you took a peek at his face and he spoke, his words and tone equally heavy "Everyone did. We were worried about you. After we heard about your break, we thought it might do you well. Everyone noticed that you weren't quite yourself. But after the first few days, when no one ever saw you leave the mansion, let alone your room, our worries doubled. Wolf said he noticed you walking to the kitchen at night, but Sebas only noticed small portions of bread disappearing from the kitchen, so we wanted to check up on you. We tried knocking at your door, not wanting to disturb you if you really were physically ill, but that didn't do anything." "And the window?" you interrupted him, casting your eyes downward again at the rude gesture. But Arthur continued, with no offense taken "That was Dazai. He was checking up on you a lot. In his own way." Arthur smiled sadly "Today, I had enough. Something was telling me you needed help. And I'm glad I listened to my instinct." he smiled at you and you felt your dry lips lift up ever so slightly. You were found when you needed it the most, it seemed.

After Arthur dried you off and helped you put on fresh clothes, he told you Sebas made a nutritious meal for you that wouldn't upset your stomach. He also suggested it would do you good to get out of your room for at least a little while and eat it in the kitchen. Seeing the panic in your eyes, he rushed to assure you "You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to." And so you nodded.

The mansion seemed awfully quiet. There was no one in the halls, no sounds from either corner of the building. On your slow trek to the kitchen, you passed Mozart. The musician didn't say anything, but his lips melted from their usual stern frown to a warm smile and you couldn't help but to start crying again. Athur sat down with you on the cold ground of the hallway, pulling you onto his lap and rocking you back and forth until you felt good enough to walk again. Mozart was nowhere in sight.

You found out that Sebas made you a delicious soup, one with enough vegetables and some meat, the broth strong enough to get you up on your feet in no time. You ate slowly and savoured every spoonful. You suddenly realised how much you've missed eating good food. After your meal was done and Arthur washed your bowl and spoon in silence, he slowly sat down next to you. "How are you feeling?" he asked carefully, knowing that you were nowhere near out of the deep end yet, but desperately hoping his efforts weren't for naught. "Better. Fuller." you answered simply. After another beat of comfortable silence, where you soaked up the sun pouring in through the windows, the writer asked again "Would you like to go back to your room?" You pursed your lips. Suddenly, the idea of your bed and the stuffy room you hid yourself away in sounded horrible. But he comfortable, fluffy clothes and full stomach were pullig at your eyelids again, sleep threatening to take over. "My room it is, then?"

Arthur piped up and you nodded. Before you knew it, you were scooped up bridal style by the vampire, feeling his soft lips on your hairline "Rest, love. I've got you." Soon, you were in a room that smelled of coffe and cologne with a hint of ink. Once again, you wriggled under the covers, these ones feeling much fresher than yours, as you succumbed to sleep once again. But this time, you weren't alone.

#requested #ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikevamp arthur #ikevamp arthur x reader #ikevamp arthur x you #x reader #tw depression #tw suicidality #fem!reader #hurt/comfort #tw emetophobia

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sgiandubh · 9 months

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Imma need an in-depth breakdown of Puff please! And I’m not being sarcastic either. Puff pre-dates my time in the outlander fandom.

Regards,

Your curious anon.

Dear Puffy Curious Anon,

If my cantankerous boss would have summoned me at 03:03 pm EEST (when your request landed in my inbox), just to tell me "Imma need an in-depth breakdown of the Greek trade unions' position on the current critical understaffing of the HoReCa sector", I would have politely answered "yes, ma'am, when is the deadline". I would have then turned on my heels, rolled my eyes, sworn like a drunk sailor under my breath (fuck my life comes to mind, pardon my French) and quickly be done with it.

You, bless your Anon heart, wrote: "Imma need an in-depth breakdown of Puff, please". Wee difference, Curious Anon: you are not my cantankerous boss. That being said, since the question has been asked by several people in the comment threads of the day's posts, I am gonna give you my two cents on Queen Pufflander, even if you've been around before I even knew this weird place existed. And hopefully put to rest this nonsense forever (wishful thinking, doubt it will happen).

Once upon a time, when S&C's bantering was the plat du jour on Twitter and this fandom a considerably less toxic place, Puff the Magic Dragon of the US East Coast was one of the Queen Bees of Shipperville. Her blog was witty and no-nonsense (if a tad verbose) and, as *urv, she quickly earned her fair share of side performers: Stella and Deep Throat (SOURCES) or the tarot reader(s) immediately come to mind. People loved Puff and that is only fair, to be honest: I bet the farm she was great fun. Little by little, information traded in DMs started to pile up in her famed Vault, from which she was generously sharing, from time to time, sibylline rants ("maybe they did or maybe they didn't, but don't worry, something happened and all shall soon be revealed"). I can critique that forever and a day and tell you that all this sent people's expectations up the roof and beyond, of course. But, again: I was not here. It is unfairly easy to judge all these things with a historian's eye, and people who lived to tell the tale are far more entitled than me to comment their fandom experience, circa 2015.

When the whole Shatner/Watchtower baliverne started (early 2016, if memory serves) things ugly escalated and rather quickly so. People started jumping ship. With McSideburns already in the house (EIFF comes to mind and a certain poignant S&C penguin picture, too), enter Flukenzie Floozy. Thus, after IFH, Puffy decided to pack her crystal ball & tent and move to greener pastures on Wordpress. There, she held court with a keen eye for the Byzantine politicking of this fandom, not unlike what Perfidious Albion did with regard to the Thirteen Rebelling Colonies, after that Boston Tea Party. Her main moments of intersection with the rest of the shipper community are Covfefe Pics (of course) and Remarkable Week-end (of course). With regard to Covfefe, she quickly cried wolf, but by the time Remarkable Week-end happened, she pulled off a mighty witty breakdown of The Nuptial Charade of the Century. Blaze of glory was Quarantein Ha-wa-wee (of course), when she blamed S for all the world's evils and then some more. After that, she concentrated on her Neverending Feud with *urv (a Private Investigator was, at some point, hired and paid for via crowdfunding), which somehow managed to end (nevertheless) with a Report she might or might not have sent to S, "for further consideration".

As all good prophets, Puffy finally went into Occultation circa 2021, not without warning us that she was torn between Gay Sam & SamCait intellectual traditions, with a wee penchant for the first (reason why I completely ditched her peddling, because IYKYK).

I can understand why people might think I could be Puffy. I am, however, very sure about my own identity, whereabouts and creed: to state the opposite would really, really be mental. I fully assumed my responsibility and went ahead to actually prove you, this morning, I wasn't. Reading her rants was useful, but also taxing. I doubt Stella and Deep Throat were anything else but narrative helpers in a sophisticated Greimas actantial model. Something I would never do, for example: I am confident enough not to need any crutches. And I am very, very sorry for this word vomit: it should come, perhaps, as solace its length could never compete with Puff's storytelling marathons.

To wash my sins (not really: because I really love that picture), here's S,C, a penguin and a cakebox (?), at EIFF 2015. This is, you can be certain, the purest thing on this page, Anon:

#Anon

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newjenns · 2 years

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wait whats the drama?? i cant find the original thing that caused this convo on storylines???

fucking eryn having a mental breakdown in some fan’s dms about how he had a storyline planned around c!dream but never executed it AND wilbur having a breakdown on his priv about understanding ppl’s frustration with a lack of lore

#cirque.du.soleil

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sinnhelmingr · 2 years

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personal/mental health/physical health under cut. tl;dr: hiatus time

been feeling some kind of way for like. probably a month now? and it kind of culminated yesterday in a mental breakdown and some fucked up thoughts. i think i scared the shit out of the friends that eventually got me to talk about it. left a lot of servers and transferred ownership of others bc i had the urge to do some very serious and drastic things. made it through the night, which at least dashed any ideas i had about what i should do in that state.

and then i woke up and re-enacted the pea soup scene from the exorcist, unrelated to yesterday’s full on breakdown.

but yeah i am. kind of a mess rn mentally and might have been exposed to c*vid physically. probably going to slow down more than i have and attempt to get right both ways. i am so sorry if i scared anyone. might try to beg my way back into some servers i enjoyed and impulsively ditched. point is, i feel human again and am not in as bad of a place, but might have to pull back from here until i’m full functional again. if you need me, i’m always lurking on discord. you can dm me for my info.

#emetophobia //#mental health //#illness //#covid //#suicide ideation //

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duckymcdoorknob · 2 years

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Can I get Saiki with a S/O who just had a mental breakdown and how he would he comfort them? (Emergency request if you can)

Of course you can!! Please dm me if you need anything else!!

You’re strong and courageous and I’m very proud!

CW UNDER THE CUT: Reader is mentally exhausted.

𝐾𝑢𝑠𝑢𝑜 𝑆𝑎𝑖𝑘𝑖

It’s safe to admit that our boy Kusuo is mildly apathetic.

But, that doesn’t mean he’s completely heartless.

So when he bumped into you in the hallway, he knew he had to act right away.

When he had gently bumped your shoulder, and went to apologize, you averted your gaze and muttered out a “ m’sorry” sotto voce.

That’s weird. You’re usually pretty peppy when you see him.

He decided to ultimately let you go, preparing for his next class.

Shortly after he retrieved his materials, he felt a strong negative aura.

With the help of clairvoyance, he was able to see that you were in an empty classroom. He made his way to the west wing as hastily as possible.

He opened the door to find you crying into your own arms.

Shoot he’s not good at this.

He can’t believe he’s asking himself this but…

What would Nendo do?

He sighs out a quick breath and shuts the door gently behind him.

“Uh, hey (Y/N)? Do you want to talk?”

You shot up with wide eyes at the sudden voice, only relaxing upon seeing Kusuo.

“I- mmh. I can’t- I-“

“That’s okay. You just uh… take your time.”

Yeah that’s good. He thinks???

“Saiki… c-can you ho-ld me?”

Kusuo was a bit taken aback he can admit, but nonetheless he obliged.

“Of course I can.” He replied. He then carefully, and quite awkwardly, pulled you into his lap and wrapped his arms around you securely.

What was it that Nendo had said to Kaido? They’d been in both of your positions before, he just had to remember. Ah, that’s it.

“Hey you’re safe with me. I won’t judge you or anything, so it’s okay to cry you know.”

So, you did.

You buried your head into his chest, gripping his sleeves as you wept, more than likely staining his uniform shirt.

“There, there. You’re doing well.”

Woah where did that come from?

“Just let me know when you’re ready to give me the rundown of who I have to smite for you, okay?”

You couldn’t help but smile, Saiki found himself in that situation too.

“I am… so sorry, Saiki. This uh, this must have been hard to walk in on.”

“It’s really not an issue.” he remarks, “I’d rather see you joyful again than worry about my own desires.”

You decided it was your turn to hug Saiki, so you wrapped your arms around his middle and muttered a “thank you.”

“I’ll always be there to help, (Y/N). Now, if you would, tell me who I’m sending on a one way flight to paradise.”

You chuckle, removing your embrace, and wiping your eyes.

“I’ve just got so much on my plate, Saiki. So many duties and responsibilities. The expectations people have of me are so high and sometimes I just can’t take it anymore.“

Of course he had already read your mind at your initial hallway bump, but he knows it’s good for people to tell others their issues as a way to cope.

“I see.” He replies simply, “Well, anytime you feel overloaded, you should come find me. I may not have all the answers you need, but I do have some wisdom, and a fair amount of coffee jelly. I don’t typically share, but you’re my only exception.��

A mutual exhale of fondness turned into quiet chuckling between the both of you.

“A smile looks great on you. There should never be a reason that it leaves.” He admits sheepishly.

“You’re the actual best, Saiki. Thank you.”

“Always.” He replies.

He might just owe Nendo a parfait later.

—————♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎—————

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minecraftrelatedrandomness · 3 years

Text

Dream SMP Essay: c!Quackity's Conflicting Backstories

Notes:

Some of you may already know some of this, because I have already posted part of my findings on c!Q's DSMP wiki page. And to members of the Flycord, you might have already found me ranting about this in his loveposting channel a couple of days ago or so.

Everything in the context of either characters (c!) and content creators (cc!) are labelled as such. The unlabelled names would refer to instances where the situation is ambiguous and apply to both.

Citations and links to VODs will be provided as required as evidence.

Content warnings: Death, dehumanization mention, injury, mental health, trauma, violence, etc. If further tagging is needed, please message me by asks or DMs.

Currently, c!Quackity has 2 potentially-contradicting known canon backstories, the first one being juvenile prison and the second one being MCM. I will elaborate more below the cut.

Backstory A: Juvenile prison

c!Q was allegedly in juvie for either 10 or 41 years before joining the SMP. It is unknown how he ended up there in the first place, e.g. what he did to be sent there, and there is very little context to what exactly happened there, other than it being an unhappy and possibly traumatic experience for him.

From what we know, he apparently broke his legs somehow during his second night there, and possibly even every night there. He might also be claustrophobic as a result of this. Since this backstory was mostly dropped after Q's first couple of livestream appearances, and it was mostly played for laughs than for drama, it is unknown how canonical this backstory is.

There are 4 main mysteries related to this potential backstory:

As mentioned above, what did he do to get sent to juvie in the first place?

How did the leg-breaking thing even happen? There is literally zero context to how that could have happened. And every night? Who is doing this? What kind of juvie is this? Can someone please shut it down?

If this backstory were to be played dead-seriously in the current lore and plotlines, how could this have impacted him? Especially because of, you know, the Pandora's Vault arc that we have going on at present?

How was he able to contact the Triple Ts to do their "drug cartel" thing before he even joined the server? Since he was apparently, you know, in jail at the time.

Backstory B: Minecr@ft Mondays

(See video version here.)

As far as I am aware, MCM was first mentioned in the Manburg Festival stream (a year ago to this day, i.e. the day I am posting this), when c!Q explained briefly how his fear of c!Techno to the point of having a breakdown came to be. Later the same day, i.e. the same stream, c!Schlatt mentioned how he and c!Techno "go way back", citing MCM Week 6 as part of their shared pre-SMP backstory.

Later in November (real-life time), c!Q clarified how he and c!Techno first met through MCM Week 1, explaining how he hadn't heeded JunkyJanker's warning about c!Techno's rightful reputation in PVP and then getting slaughtered to the point of allegedly having PTSD. Some of you may know that stream as the one where c!Techno had his infamous 'hunters and prey' speech, by the way.

In December (real-life time), c!Q cited MCM-trauma as one of his more personal reasons for hunting c!Techno down as part of the Butcher Army. The content creators then joked about them making MCM canon to the DSMP, and while the content creators were lighthearted about it, MCM therefore became a dead-serious, fully-fledged part of the DSMP lore.

I'm not 100% sure if other Weeks of MCM are considered canonical (they might be), but there's solid confirmation to how Weeks 1 and 6 are specified to be canon. cc!Q participated in Weeks 1, 2, 6, 8, and 12 of MCM, but since I cannot find the kill records of Weeks 8 and 12, let's hypothetically take those off the list for Q-and-Techno encounters (for now, I might return if/when I get more data). In MCM Week 2, the two did not actively interact (i.e. kill each other) at any point, which leaves us with Weeks 1 and 6, and wouldn't you know it — those are the two Weeks where Quackity got murked "so many times".

Week 1: Q's deaths in Rounds 6 and 8 are both attributed to Techno, but the one in Round 8 was actually death-by-border, which doesn't really count. Round 6, however, Techno just hunted Q down to the point he had no way out, border or enchanted diamond sword to the torso. (Techno POV + Quackity POV)

Week 6: Unlike the earliest MCM Weeks, this one only had Hunger Games in Rounds 1 and 9 (beginning and end), and not every single round. Q also happened to get knocked out of the game by Techno in both rounds. (Round 1: (Quackity POV + Techno POV) (Round 9: Quackity POV + Techno POV)

I was a little skeptical at first that one encounter would lead to enough trauma to have a PTSD diagnosis, but after remembering and looking up Week 6, then taking that into consideration as well, I am not quite as skeptical of the PTSD claim anymore.

And here are an additional 6 mysteries, or details that make the MCM encounters angstier (excluding anything related to inter-worldly canon life-counts):

Schlatt was teamed with Techno during Week 6, meaning c!Q also knew him at least in passing before all three of them joined the DSMP at different times (excluding the possibility of SMP Live being canon, which opens up a different can of worms that I am not equipped to deal with). Now recall c!Q and c!Schlatt interacting again on the DSMP… no, I am not happy about this. Especially bearing in mind Schlatt during Round 9 of Week 6 (see link).

During Week 6 Round 1, after spotting Q + JunkyJanker, Techno decided to go after them and avoid Yammy and her teammate because the latter two were "sentient players". In other words… ouch.

On a funnier note, right after killing Q (in Week 6 Round 1), Techno got border-killed. TAKE THAT! Karma went and collected his debt, I suppose. /lh

Q getting bonked in Week 6 Round 9 took place in the water. If we are going with the Duck Hybrid theory that canon has provided crumbs of possible supporting evidence… ouch. Again.

On a side note, could MCM and related tournaments have caused trauma in other characters in the DSMP-verse?

Also, multiple other content creators who are now part of the DSMP also participated in MCM, e.g. Philza, Connor, BBH, Skeppy, even Dream at one point. Would MCM be counted as part of their backstories as well? How can we explain their participation in the event while still adhering to their respective canon backstories?

Compare and Contrast

It is unlikely for both of these backstories to work at the same time, due to their overlapping time frames. There is one exception to this, however, it's that c!Q was either let out of jail early, or was let out temporarily to participate in MCM for whatever reason.

The only thing that these two backstories have in common is that c!Q allegedly had PTSD from both (A and B), though we don't know if that was an official diagnosis or a self-diagnosis (for better or worse). So either way, cc!Quackity decided that he was gonna give his character canonical trauma the moment he stepped on the SMP, and then just rolled with it until the boulder was hurling unstoppably down the mountain slope.

#quackity #c!quackity #dream smp #dream smp analysis #cw trauma #cw mental health #tw death #tw injury #tw dehumanization mention #c!technoblade #technoblade #my post #17 october 2021 #it is 1am by the time i post this i need sleep ffs #aqua analyzes c!quackity from the dsmp #dsmp jailbird backstory

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aly-kurta · 3 years

Note

Hi, I hope you don't mind this; may I ask Headcanons of Chrollo, Shalnark and Feitan. Whom s/o who can keep everything to their self (like you can't tell that they're already suffering and sad) but they caught them almost cut and finally snaps and breakdowns in their front.

Dw; I stopped myself from c****** I just need comfort :')

Yes anon of course!

This request worried me a bit so if you need other comfort, my inbox and dms are always open! <3 I'm proud of you! You are surely amazing and nice and deserve to be happy!

S/O having a breakdown after hiding what they feel:

Cw: mentions of scars, mental breakdown and mental illness in general.

Chrollo:

🦋 When he sees you like this, his eyes widen.

🦋 He knew that anyone had their up and downs in life, but you, his love, felt this bad?

🦋 Chrollo gains his composure once again and slowly approaches you, while taking your hands.

🦋 "Dear... Why did you hide this from me? I can help you..." he says as he smiles at you, in an attempt to reassure you.

🦋 He will make you sit down and talk to you about what you feel and why.

🦋 He'll do everything for you.

Shalnark:

🦋 Right when you were about to do it, Shalnark walks in the room and instinctively goes immediately in front of you.

🦋 To be honest, he never experienced someone breaking down in front of him.

🦋 So at first he would just hug you tight after checking if you have open wounds or anything similar.

🦋 Shalnark would talk to you as much as he can, making you feel his presence.

🦋 This baby is so worried for you.

Feitan:

🦋 Feitan is a master at reading people so it's surprising that you somewhat avoided his observant nature.

🦋 And for that, he assumes you are alright. He's confident in his skill.

🦋 That's why he would ask himself what he did wrong when you breakdown in front of hin after he caught you.

🦋 You managed to hide everything from him. And that's what hurts Feitan.

🦋 He sits beside you carefully, checking you while he asks what's wrong.

🦋 Feitan may seem calm, almost careless, but believe me, he couldn't be more worried now.

🦋 He promises you to do everything in order to make you happy for real.

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villains-promise · 2 years

Note

For some reason I feel so happy [after having a mental breakdown] seeing that C has the same birthday as me. Thanks ig (?)<3

oh :(( im glad it helped a little- i hope everything gets better, dear 💕 my dms are open if you ever need

#not villain's promise related #anon my beloved #i dont know who needs to hear this #but i love you guys #and there's many others who care about you #[hugs]

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ac3id · 4 years

Text

Too Love.

everyone really is whipped for dabi lol i mean cant blame him who doesnt want to fk this burnt homeless man. 👁👄👁

yandere! dabi x reader

warnings: suggestive themes, captivity

word count: 964

navigation

part 2: a or b

Days were looking up for the league, from staring as just another terrorist organization that the heroes deemed ‘were going to be easy to handle’ to being feared by heroes and citizens alike. Missions were successful, they ruled the undergrounds and soon they would conquer the land above. As days went by the original members of the league gained popularity, people feared them, despised them but they couldn’t have done anything against them. The people were weak and as the rule of heroes slowly shattered, everyone became vulnerable to these beasts.

That being said, Dabi believed that in this rotten world no one was ever going to show him an ounce of affection, but when you held his hand gently and cast your spell to heal his broken wrist- his cold heart fluttered. Maybe you were just doing your job, maybe you were just this gentle with everyone who came here. There might have not been any underlying intentions to you soft displays of affections but that didn’t change a thing for him. He had fallen head over heels for you.

To him, you were an enigma.

On the first day, he had brought you home- you had a mental breakdown. You were scared, you hid in the closet until Dabi found and pulled you outside.

Your quirk was rare and very effective. You had saved countless lives in the past and he had his eyes on you.

You were terrified.

Dabi had found you hiding in the closet, knees pressed to your chest. He had pulled you up from your hair and laughed at your face for being so pathetic, he told you about how you were going to be his personal caretaker and how he could do anything he wanted to you. You were terrified at first you want to ever get associated with a man like him but slowly it took a toll on you, you started listening to his wishes, healing his wounds like he had asked you too. Sometimes he tried to take the conversation further prying on your personal life in an attempt to get you to open up to him. But, you kept to yourself. Always.

Slowly, Dabi got irritated by your antics. His patience grew thinner it didn’t take a lot for you to tip him off and he would explode, you grew scared of him. You avoided him, didn’t look him in the eye.

All of this, lead to your doom.

“Y/N?” Dabi called out, he had returned from an exhausting day at work and all he needed was to be with you.

“Hi,” you say nervously tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. He walks up to you, “How are you, baby” he searched for your eyes, and the moment the turquoise blue orbs locked with your [e/c] ones you looked away, staring at the ground instead. His stare was too intense for you.

Dabi internally rolled his eyes as you avoided looking at him, his tongue poked his cheek as you answered him. “I’m- I want to go home-” Dabi groaned, he roughly grabbed your face and arched it upwards. He was so much taller than you, your neck hurt the ache grew stronger but you couldn’t get yourself free from his hold. His fingers squished your cheeks and brows knit together as he looked down at you. His turquoise eyes grew darker, rage, and arousal pooled them. You felt heat rise to your cheeks as he leaned in closer to you, his nose brushing against yours.

“How many times,” Dabi pushed your back against the wall, cornering you as harsh words left his mouth, “do I have to tell you? Don’t care about those losers. I am all that you need.” his hand left your jaw and settled on your collarbone stroking your skin. “Such soft skin, Y/N,” he called out again. Your mouth was agape and your body felt hot. “I want you, do you want me?”

His thumb rested on your bottom lip and you looked for words to respond with.

You cannot believe what you were hearing, Dabi wants you? You never would have thought something like that instead, you thought he hated you. He was always mean to you, bullying you, embarrassing you. Was he serious?

As his eyes bored into your soul and thumb dipped him your mouth time to time, you started thinking about him.

He’s not so bad, he’s always been nice to me- maybe I should let him.

Deep down you knew that you should have said no but, you were far gone to care so you peacefully submitted yourself to him.

You nod your head but it isn’t enough to satisfy Dabi. “What was that?” he asks again, this time his thumb strokes your cheeks rubbing soft circles as he stares your delicate form fondly. “y-yes.” You stutter out your answer and see his lips curling upwards engulfing into a mischievous smirk his hand falls from your cheek to your chest, he gropes your tits through your shirt and you squeak, his free hand slips under your chin and tilts your face forward as he leans in his lips connecting yours,your tongue dipping hesitantly into his mouth. He kisses you roughly. You feel yourself getting hotter, you moan into the kiss and notice something hard poking at your thigh. You pull away from the kiss to breathe, panting you look up at Dabi who’s smiling in bliss, “You look so beautiful like this,” his hand which previously groped at your chest slithers down until he’s cupping your crotch. “I can make you look even beautiful.” He whispers in your and softly nibbles on your earlobe. Your breath hitches as he starts rubbing your clothed cunt. You are left breathless as you let him use you, knowing the fire building up inside you could only be extinguished by him.

taglist: @mylovelyreblogs @amahzing004 @thoughtfulpandazine2 @the-one-who-ate-god @bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love @villain-hotline @dabiisdaddy @annimalq @reader-stash @rcjackie @leeladebris @expn @vocaloidinlove @edgycactus @neon-tries-writing @shiggydiggydicked @yandereguysgalsandmonsterpals @lady-tokugawa-of-mikawa @chxrryvibes @yanderesmemory @purple-rabanito @amajikistan99 @the-grimm-writer @n4dhii @imkumichan @akura-ous-lady @dabicakes @leeknowstoomuch @nereida19 @sahrafinee @uwubba @anime-girl-nikki @rekoii @badtimechara @peachyashell @weirdr-artiest @prince-zukohere @deliciousstar @murderfesto @mltcp

*dm us if ya wanna get added or removed from the taglist!!!

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downbytheouterbanks · 4 years

Text

Happy Place (Rafe x Reader) pt 2

a/n: Hi!! I just wanted to say thanks for the support for the first part of Happy Place I really didn’t think it was any good so it was incredible to me to see people enjoy it ((: Anyways, here’s part two, I had a totally different plan for the next part but then I got sunburnt like really bad and it gave me an idea (;

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next few days blurred together, all you did was unpack and organize, never again did you want to have to breakdown cardboard boxes. You placed one final poster on your wall before stepping back and taking it all in, proud of your work and excited to show it off, you shoot Sarah a text telling her that your masterpiece is complete and that HGTV would be proud. As soon as your message switched from reading “delivered” to “read” your phone starts buzzing and Sarah’s face appears.

“She’s alive!!” Sarah screams at you through FaceTime, making you laugh. “Now that you’re done settling in, we should celebrate! How about this weekend, when my parents take Wheezie to her first official tour of UNC, we have a girl’s day? We can do our nails, hang by the pool, and catch up! Plus, I know someone who can hook us up with some White Claws. You can sleepover and it’ll be like the good old days!”

“Sounds like a plan! I can have my mom make her famous chocolate chip cookies for us to much on while you fill me in on all the island gossip.” You offer up as you plop onto your bed.

“I can’t say no to that! Now give me ten minutes and I’m coming over for a grand tour of your digs. Plus we gotta pick out cute swimsuits to take pics in because a girl’s day is not complete without a photo-op moment.” She says before blowing a kiss to you and hanging up.

It was Thursday when you had FaceTimed with Sarah and let your parents know that you would be spending the weekend with Sarah, and Saturday had finally rolled around. It was a classic hot and humid summer day in the Outer Banks so the walk to the Cameron’s house had you sweaty and ready for the pool.

You let yourself into the house, instantly stripping down to your swimsuit, you yell, “HONEY, I’M HOME!” as you make your way through the house out towards the pool. You were only expecting Sarah to be home, which feeds your shock as you strut through the kitchen only to be met with Rafe slouched against the counter, eating a bowl of cereal.

“Do you have to be so loud?” He says as he makes his way closer to you, giving you a better opportunity to take in his appearance, his sandy blond hair is disheveled and lays against his forehead, lacking the gelled-back structure it had last time you saw him. You don’t answer his question as your eyes shift down, taking in his tanned skin, exposed thanks to the overly-cut muscle tank he wore. He was about three feet away from you but his tall stature towered you, forcing you to look up to meet his eyes. A soft smile and a light blush grace his features as his eyes meet yours.

“I didn’t realize you were gonna be here.” You respond.

“Someone has got to make sure you and the princess don’t burn the house down,” he chuckles lightly and then takes in your appearance. You had ditched your t-shirt and shorts at the door, leaving you in just your (Y/F/C) bathing suit. Sarah had picked it for you to wear because she said “it is the perfect combination of scandalous and tasteful” she then added, “your insta DMs will thank me later”. Rafe’s eyes rake back up your body to meet yours, he raises his eyebrows in a manner of disbelief, “Did you walk here in just that?”

You retort, “I don’t know did you walk here in just that?”

“Yeah, I live here”

“Well, aren’t you a lucky boy.”

“Hey! Stop stealing her from me, this is a girl’s day!” Sarah exclaims as she makes her way into the kitchen. She grabs your hand and walks you out to the backyard, as she leads you out of the kitchen you raise your free hand and dramatically blow a kiss to Rafe, who responds by catching it and throwing it into the trash. You gasp and exclaim, “how rude!” before you are pulled out of his sight.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After all afternoon out by the pool, Sarah and you make your way inside to shower and get ready for a no-shame Barbie movie marathon. Sarah lets you use the bathroom attached to her room while she goes and uses her parent’s bathroom. As soon as the water hits your back, your skin is set aflame. You mentally kick yourself for not putting on sunscreen as you finish showering as quickly as possible, desperate to relieve the pain you’re in.

Once you get out of the shower, you wipe the condensation off of the mirror and inspect the damage. You let out a sigh as you realize that the sunburn spans all over your back, out of your reach. You pick up your towel and dry yourself off, putting on your underwear and sweatpants, hesitating when you go to pick up your bra, deciding, eventually, to skip it and put on your oversized t-shirt. You look through Sarah’s medicine cabinet, finally locating your saving grace, a bottle of aloe vera. Stepping out of the bathroom you start heading in the direction of Ward and Rose’s room but stop once you realize you can still hear the water running, Sarah is still in the shower.

Desperate for relief from the burning of your skin, you let out a groan and turn towards Rafe’s room. You stop in front of his door and hear music softly playing as you knock, “Hey, Rafe?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Can… uh. Can I come in?” You ask and almost immediately the door opens, revealing Rafe.

“What can I do for you m’lady?” He says in what you could only assume to be an attempt at a British accept as he opens the door for you and he walks back into his room. “Is the favorite Cameron sibling no longer entertaining you?” And then he lets out an exasperated gasp as he falls back onto his bed over-dramatically exclaiming, “Am I your second choice?”

You approach the foot of the bed and stare down at him while he just lazily smiles up at you, “Well, if you want to be technical about it, since Wheezie is not here, and you’re the only other Cameron sibling, then you would be my last choice.”

He sits up slightly, “Ouchie,” he makes a pouty face and then points to his heart, “that hurt me, right here.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re so fragile. Can we stay focused, please? I am in PAIN. Can you please put some of this aloe vera on my back? I got burned really badly today.” You say as you toss the bottle onto the bed next to him.

“Yeah, sure. No-” and then his breath hitches in his throat and he gulps. You had turned your back to him and taken your shirt off, still grasping it in one of your hands. “No problem.” He manages to stutter out as he stands up behind you.

Not thinking much of it, you weren’t really covering yourself up, as Rafe was situated behind you but what you don’t notice is the mirror in the corner of his room. Rafe is busy squeezing out some of the gel into his hands, and then when he gently rubs his hands with the cooling gel onto your searing skin and you let out a soft moan of relief, his head snaps up, instinctively looking to the mirror to see you. And, boy, does he see you.

“JESUS, (Y/N/N)!” He breathes out, soothing touch leaving you back as his head snaps up, looking at the ceiling.

“What is your deal?”

“Can’t you cover yourself up a bit?! I saw you… A LOT of you in the mirror!” He says, and then your eyes widen, your arm that grasps your shirt coming up to grasp at your breasts, gaze shifting around the room to locate said mirror. When your gaze lands on the mirror, you admire the boy in the mirror, all red in the face and neck, head tilted up and away, a hand held up to shield his eyes. You turn around and using your free hand, reach up to lower his hand from his eyes, a sheepish smile adorning your features, your blush only slight in comparison to his.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to flash you.” You giggle softly and turn your back to face him again waiting for his healing touch to return.

“Yeah.. uh… it’s um. Yeah.” He mumbles out, as he returns to rubbing soothing circles on your back, avoiding your stare through the mirror.

“You know you don’t have to act like you’ve never seen someone’s boobs before, Rafe.” You both let out a laugh and his breath hits the newly soothed over skin, and a pleasured sigh escapes your lips at the sensation. Rafe’s gaze raises to meet yours in the mirror, his eyebrows raised.

“Sorry,” You clear your throat, “You just uh breathed on that spot and it uh felt… felt nice.”

Holding his stare with yours, he finishes spreading a layer of aloe over your burning skin. However, as his hand leaves your back, a mischievous look flashes across his features. Suddenly, he fans his breath all over the area he just dampened with his touch, goosebumps raising on the rest of your skin. He pops his head back up to meet your shocked face in the mirror. You quickly turn, ready to bolt from the room to re-evaluate your feelings, but your brain is clouded and your depth perception has never been your strong suit, you turn right into the very culprit of your flustered state.

Rafe goes to grasp your elbows and steady you, “Woah, there. You alright?” He chuckles, amused at the newly flushed state of your face.

“Yep, all good. Good. Good. GREAT. I’m gonna go. Now, and uh wait for Sarah in her room.” You let out, avoiding eye contact with the boy that has undoubtedly got your heart beating out of your throat. You struggle to wiggle your way back into your shirt without the tit-show, again. Suddenly, an extra pair of hands guide your shirt back on you, his hands pulling it down your torso, and then settling onto your hips. Your head slowly lifts and your arms lower back down and settle onto his chest. You both stay here, sharing a stare packed with confusion, curiosity, and longing.

Is it possible to feel absolutely paralyzed while also absolutely overrun by butterflies at the same time? You think to yourself.

“I feel the same way,” Rafe whispers. His response snaps you out of your daze.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize I said that out loud.” You say as you detach yourself from the entrancing hold you were in, backing up a few steps. “Okay, well. As I said, I’m just gonna go wait in Sarah’s room.”

“Okay.” You back up more with his response, he looked confused and you mirrored him with the same confusion overtaking your features. Desperate to gather as much space from the source of your racing brain, you turn to the door.

As you’re walking out you rush out a “thanks for the hold. FUCK. Thanks for the help.” And with that, you are walking as fast as you can to Sarah’s room to sit and mentally unpack everything that just happened with her brother.

tag list: @drewsephsmiles @babygurlbarnes

let me know if you want a part three and if you want me to tag you (:

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cas-rivaille · 3 years

Note

Heyyyyyyy I’d like to request a matchup if that’s okay 👌

I’m Aspen it’s nice to meet you- I go by they/them pronouns but I really want to switch to they/he but my anxiety has been stopping me. I’m a Sagittarius and an INFP 4w3 (yes, I know I’m so sorry 🤕) and I also have ADHD and possibly autism.

I absolutely adore anything creative, I like to draw & write but I really wanna get back into acting, as the pandemic kinda fucked that up. Music. I LOVE music with a passion. I’ve always wanted to learn bass guitar but the cost of one has always shut that down. When I was a kid I’d preform solos at Christmas concerts, and I did choir for a short amount of time. Sadly dysphoria messed me up singing wise but I’d love to get back into it if I ever get to go on testosterone. So I’m hoping I can get back into music & acting this year

I make an obscene amount of sex jokes, like at this point there should be a counter cause I make ATLEAST 30 a day. The funniest part is that I’m on the ace spectrum. (I’m panromantic and a sex positive gray-ace, let’s go gamers 🦾) I’m a massive fucking fruitcup, like im as straight at a wet spaghetti noodle and it really shows in my personality. I’m very flamboyant.

I’m extremely hyperactive and social when I’m not around my family, and I’m always up to talk to someone as long as they respect my boundaries (heck I’ve had a history of being too much and scaring others away, it was kinda depressing). Even though I love to talk to people I have a bad habit of stumbling and stuttering when I get excited, so people tend to mistake that for me being shy or awkward.

I have wicked bad dysphoria and self confidence issues, but I try not to show it so I say, fake it till you make it 🦾 I also fidget ALOT in public and that I’m not ashamed of. Im trying to find a chewy fidget toy so I don’t constantly bite my hand in public 🤕

Sorry this is all over the place but quick description of myself I guess. I’m built like a twink, at the “tall” height of 5’2 or 157 cm. I have fluffy/curly hair that was originally brown, but I dyed to black after a good old fashion mental breakdown. I have blue eyes and glasses, and most typically you’ll find me in a grunge or emo aethsetic. Although I can’t stick to one for more then a month so I tend to find ways to reuse my clothes and change my aesthetic 🦾

Im so sorry this is all over the place, I just got home from work and I’m wicked tired- thank u for reading and have a good day or night 🦾🦾

AHHH OMG THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST I GOTCHU BESTIE (the way i related to half of this so much help) REQUESTS ARE ALWAYS OKAY AND ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU TOO okay lemme tell you my first thought and then i started building on that..

i match you with... *badabadaba drum roll pls* SATAN

okay so one, he would love your username (so do i LMAO). with the amount of reading satan does, i totally hc that he reads romance and drama and stuff like shakespeare so he would TOTALLY BE A SIMP FOR YOU AND YOUR ACTING BBY. he'd love your musical side to the MAX. i'm talking like will literally go to your room (would buy you a guitar) bring said guitar, and ask you to play something for him. we all know he's a needy cat bby.

(i'm totally gonna be all over the place w this request sorry).

HE LOVES YOUR HEIGHT THO LIKE JAHSHSJS THATS A WHOLE FOOT DIFFERENCE. love your style and would so be down to dye your hair whenever. let's be honest you'd need to help him with his style which ends up with you two looking like the ULTIMATE POWER COUPLE

you guys would be so c u t e i cant this man would literally do anything for you- i feel like a big chunk of the reason being your personalities mesh so well ?? i have the same personality type as satan and i have a t o n of infp people i get along with and i feel like it would be the same w him and you. he would v much appreciate your social aspect because he doesn't like people lmao. and he would find your stuttering SO CUTE AHH. all the sex jokes you make would fluster THE SHIT out of him. he would hide his blushing face in a book as you sit there with a smug look on your face LOL.

bby would totally help you with your self confidence and you two would grow together (bc we all know he's trying so hard to work on himself too we love that) and you guys would cuddle for emotional support i feel like.

totally would get you fidget stuff and is supportive of you 100%

he would also leave you love letters/notes and give you books with annotations of things that remind him of you

expect for cat boy to be completely and hopelessly in love with you and you two would match so WELL AJSJJS

(i had to throw this in but)

STUDY DATES AND COZY NIGHTS IN WINTER GRUNGE AESTHETIC VIBE AHH

pls let him try on your glasses

overall yall are SO CUTE

SORRY IF THIS WAS TOO MUCH TO READ IK HOW ADHD CAN BE I HAVE IT TOO BESTIE AND IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK ABT ANYTHING DONT BE SHY TO DM ME AND WE CAN TALK ILY BBY THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST I HOPE YOU LIKED IT

-cas :)

#obey me hc #obey me matchups #obey me satan #satan #omswd satan #ILY BBY #THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST #obey me shall we date #mars on earth

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bugthegremlin · 3 years

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this may be goodbye; so. here is what i have to say.

where do i start? this is tough. i have so much i still need to do, i never even finished that song i was working on! oh well i guess. but to get on with it; my life is in shambles. i hate the world. i hate my family. i hate myself. i hate everything. nothing makes my happy anymore. yesterday i got 49 messages in my dm's with kind words and sweet nothing, and most were just simple things. but a few days ago they would have made me burst out into tears, thank them all, and never even think of death again. but now they just feel like.....nothing? they feel like empty promises you made with an old friend. they feel like watching someone you love turn into a complete monster. they feel like finishing a good movie, being happy about how good it was, but sad that it's over. they feel like making a suicide pact with someone you love, but they ditch on you last second. i felt nothing reading the things sent to me. nothing. just emptiness.

my life could not be worse. to me at least. i mean, at least i have some great friends, lets use undercover names for them, Ro , Mark , Issy. wrong. a few months ago my friend Mark came out as trans (FTM) and we were all very supportive and loved (still love) his to death! then out of nowhere, about 2 months ago, Ro became very transphobic for no reason, saying thing to Mark like, "at least im not a wanna be boy." and then leaks Mark, and another friend of ours, we can call her Cassidy, address. but lets back track a few months shall we? this bitchy, blond, bimbo (Issy) came in to our friendship for no reason and wrecked it. i would goo to hang out with Mark and he wanted to hang with Issy. i went to hang out with Ro but he wanted to hang with Issy. they replaced me. i had been replaced. now, we kicked Ro from the friendship, and it was just me, Mark, and Issy. but still barely me.

my parents are the worst, i told my mom everything. all my insecure-ness, my self harm, my thoughts of suicide. she sat me down, cried her little crocodile tears, and said something along the lines of, 'if you ever thought of suicide, you would be in a psych ward somewhere!' and i laughed it off, but i am terrified of psych wards. i told her i was insecure about my face, and she brushed it off with a, "you're beautiful!" then i told her about my stomach, she said "there ain't nothing there!" feeding my insecurities about my possible anorexia. then she told me 'even though you're insecure, you're not aloud to wear baggy shirts when you want to.' and she wonders why i hate her? both of my parents say 'the n-word'. they are both white.

there is this one boy at school, who is invalidating my gender, sexualizing me, calling me horrible things, and saying just gross things. he tells me to suck his dick. he says that he has fantasized about me in the shower. he got a boner over me. he calls me a whore, a slut, a dumb bitch. and it is just exhausting trying to keep him in line. and i was gone from school for 2 days. 2 days! and he started talking with other students behind my back about how i am not really enby and this is just a fad, and it will go away. and he is guilty and he knows it. and he may be guilty, but he is not sorry. just upset because he was caught.

i have been molested i would say anywhere from 15-20 times in my life. i would not like to talk about by who, because it makes me have mental breakdowns regularly.

so, IF this is goodbye. i want you to move on. i want you to have a better life with out me. be happier. get good grades. get a new girlfriend Angel! get some better friends. ones who care about you. like i do. i love you all so much and it hurts me that i might do this, but it is not official. there is still a chance.

~ c

I wish I could do anything more to bring solice or comfort. I wish I could help. You're amazing. You're so valid and so kind. It hurts to hear that you have to go through so much bullshit, you don't deserve it. You deserve people in your life who care for you. I know I can't say anything to make you feel any better but I want to tell you this. You'll be missed. You'll be remembered. Though I really hope you stay, if you dont, I hope you find a way to somewhere where you get to be happier than you were here. You deserve that.

You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry. I wish I could bring you some kind of comfort, I wish we'd gotten closer. If you wanna just talk, about anything, regular things, I'll always be happy.

And if this does end up goodbye, I love you. Goodbye. I'll miss you <3

I wish it wasnt like this.

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rushingheadlong · 3 years

Text

Hey everyone. I’m sorry for not replying to the messages and asks I’ve gotten over the last day. I don’t have the spoons for individual responses right now, but I just want to thank all of you for your kind words and support.

I’m going to dip for a few more days. The queue is running, posts are scheduled, etc. etc. If you don’t want to read this whole post, like I said yesterday anon is staying turned off and if you need to contact me about Tim Weekend you can send me an ask off anon and just note that you want it answered privately and I’ll do that.

As much as I’d like to just leave this whole mess alone, I want to better address the accusation from that anon yesterday morning because I don’t know if I was clear enough at the time - but also because I’ve been keeping quiet about a lot of harassment that I’ve been dealing with for months now, and I’m done pretending that this hasn’t been going on.

DO NOT REBLOG THIS POST Anyone who reblogs this is getting immediately blocked.

First, I want to reiterate that I have no idea what’s going on with this user at all. I have never followed them, I have only ever had that one interaction with them on tumblr last summer, and I don’t read comment threads on AO3 (especially for other people’s stories) to know what’s going on over there.

But I do not approve of bullying and I don’t approve of harassing anyone in this fandom. I’m really not sure how I got caught up in this mess at all but I would hope that the contributions I have made to this fandom have shown that I’m not a bully. I fully acknowledge that I can be prickly and curt at times, but I would never attack someone like this user has been attacked.

Second, like I said yesterday, please don’t harass this user about any of this. I am deadly serious about that. I don’t know if they’re even aware that people have been doing this and it’s not fair to put the blame for other people’s actions on them.

And with all that out of the way, I’d like to explain what I’ve been going through because I think trying to keep quiet about this for so long was a mistake on my part. Hopefully this puts my answer from yesterday into better context and, if there are multiple people sending these messages, maybe they’ll realize the cumulative effect that they’ve been having and stop.

The long and short of it is that since my one interaction with this user last summer I have gotten numerous comments on AO3 and asks here demanding both to know why they were blocked and that I unblock them so they can interact with my content. Most, but not all, of these have been sent anonymously which has made it impossible to know where they’re coming from. I’ve been deleting these comments from my fics and deleting the asks without answering them because I didn’t want to add fuel to this fire or get dragged into a debate about my decisions here.

These messages have run the gamut from guilt-tripping, such as an anon ask saying “I think [user] would have really liked participating in Tim Weekend”, to openly hostile assertions that I am being a “c*nt” by keeping this user blocked. I got asks about this almost every time I turned anon on. When I explained to one person off anon that I wasn’t going to unblock this user, rather than accept that decision they have continued to send me multiple messages and leave comments demanding further explanations. Lately I think at least one person has been using post notifications to time their asks for when they knew I’d be online because I’ve been receiving these messages immediately after answering a different ask (as was the case yesterday morning).

I have been dealing with this harassment for over seven months. The stress of this has directly and drastically affected my mental health. It sounds stupid, but this was a large contributing factor to a breakdown that sent me back into therapy and onto medication to manage my anxiety better.

Again, this is simply over me having blocked someone - not because I have bullied them (I haven’t) and as far as I can tell it’s not because of anything I said to them in our single interaction last summer (you can see the entirety of what I said in my answer yesterday). Not that this level of harassment would be warranted in any circumstance, but I genuinely don’t know why I’ve been targeted like this. Having this thrown at me without knowing what I did to deserve this has only made an already upsetting situation even more distressing to deal with.

This ongoing harassment is the reason I kept anon turned off for so much of last year and have had my DMs restricted since last summer. This is why I don’t allow anonymous commenting on my fics on AO3 and why I usually don’t reply to comments over there at all. This is also a large reason why I’ve pulled back on writing Maycury and Freddie fics and why I don’t write Freddie meta/opinion posts at all anymore, because those are the things that were attracting most of the attention from these people. I have seriously considered leaving the fandom on multiple occasions because of this harassment.

I try my best to keep this blog positive and I avoid posting discourse and negativity over here as much as possible. I didn’t want to publish any of the asks because I didn’t want to encourage whoever is behind these to send more, and I also didn’t want y’all to have to see everything that was being said. I know this means that the ask yesterday seems like it came out of nowhere, and I’m really sorry for any drama that I stirred up by answering it.

However, I reached my breaking point about this and needed to finally say something. I’m sorry if the wording in my response wasn’t the best. It was one of the first things I saw in the morning and I answered it at about 8:30am with little proofreading, which is entirely my bad and I do apologize for that.

Like I said at the start of this post, I’m going to keep anon turned off on this blog. I’m really sorry to do this again because most of you are genuinely lovely and I enjoy chatting with you! But I cannot keep dealing with these asks and messages, not if I want to stay in this fandom.

And finally, If you’re one of the people who has been sending me the harassing messages over the last several months, please just stop. Please leave me alone, please stop insulting me and dog-piling on me in my fic comments, please just let me go back to my quiet corner of the fandom and enjoy myself over here.

I have never bullied this user and have only ever had that one interaction with them. Whoever you are looking to blame for whatever has been happening, it isn’t me - and frankly, after the months of harassment about this I am never going to unblock this user so you can stop trying to convince me to do that too.

Please do not message or harass the user in question over this and please do not reblog this post.

#long post //#not queen //#text #personal //#negativity //#fandom discourse //#anyway this is the last I'm going to say about any of this #thank you again for your kind words over the last day yall really are the best

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thestarssystem · 3 years

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aa hello i've written this like 10 times but it always got extremely long so i'm gonna try to keep it shorter hdbznj also i just wanted to say its okay, take ur time ! i hope u had a nice time on ur break :] also i'm glad you're fine with these asks cause i always end up rambling and stuff that makes the asks really long dgzbzj

i've been thinking about the possibility of a persecutor as well, but i wasn't really sure because i was like "why would the first alter that i directly hear/that presents themself to me be a persecutor" so ty for the response :]

& the thing about giving away information would make sense, the panic specifically started when i was feeling very ,, apathetic but on the upset scale? if that makes sense? and wanted to vent about it on a subreddit about venting, and i don't even remember what caused the panic, but i assumed it was either a. i started getting memories of the events i was trying to vent about (emotional flashback?) or b. it was just social anxiety acting up again because i knew i would do as much as writing it all out but i would never post it, but i think it could've been a mix of both + what you suggested (also quick note: when someone called me fox they also said stuff like their dms are open if i need to vent etc etc and i don't exactly remember what caused the panic to spike there? but i think i was just happy-ish someone cared and then i think something else happened in my mind that could've influenced me in a bad way (e.g self h4tred) but honestly i don't remember </3)

but another thing is, i've done that a bunch of times. for example i post neg posts / vents / rants a lot sometimes on a different website (on an account where i feel comfortable on, though i always delete them like 6 seconds later) and i posted one on the same subreddit on friday because i was panicking, i barely remember what happened when i was panicking though, and i kind of blocked everything out because i was too focused on the trigger (school). the voice hasn't been back for a while now so i'm starting to think it could've just been my imagination? though it could've been i'm just not able to hear it anymore / before that, or that it's not always there (which might/probably is the case if it wasnt me imagining stuff)

also, i have a few questions if thts okay :]

this might be a weird question, but is it normal to like- have a good relationship with alters almost right away, despite the fact it's your first time directly interacting? or have alters front even though you've never heard them / they've never interacted with you? i know those are two very contradicting statements, though i have no idea how to explain it further </3

one last thing: yesterday i had like 2 mental breakdowns because i got triggered by some stuff and i was up until like 3am (i went to bed at exactly 4am) and i did some stuff like switching up my profile, i was really tired and had been d1ssociating for hours after i got triggered. when i woke up today, and went on my profile, it all felt very ,, weird? like, it kind of caught me off guard when i realized my profile was different because i barely had memory of doing so (i could recall it though, it was just very very fuzzy and in one of them i felt like i wasn't even the one doing it). i just wanted to ask, could the d1ssociation have caused that, or is that just a normal thing for when you're tired?

sorry i didn't want to send just a regular update on things so i waited a bit until i had questions shxbxj hope you're doing well :]

- fox (i was a bit anxious because it was getting long so i kept them a bit short, so if u need me to elaborate on any of these i'd be glad to! i don't mind /gen)

oo wait i really quickly wanna make a small suggestion to you. Just something that we do a lot! If you have snapchat, i suggest creating a private story with yours as the only account that can see it and just use that to rant! It makes it easier to document for later (if you want) but also keeps it private and allows you to rant about what you’re feeling and get that nice moment of release haha.

Anyway, on to your actual questions:

So I would say that a lot of the time, it’s normal to not have a good relationship with alters right away. A lot of the time they’re kind of like strangers and you have to take the time to get to know them and be friends with them. For my system, we didn’t know of each other until we started talking about OSDD, but now I would consider most of us friends haha. Also, the first time that Daniel fronted was completely out of the blue. Granted, we didn’t know OSDD/DID at this point but there wasn’t even a slight sign that he was there haha. I would say that’s also fairly common. Maybe because they don’t want to talk to you, don’t need to talk to you, or are just too nervous to talk to you before hand.

Just normal dissociation could have caused the foggy memory about your profile, but the lack of sleep definitely didn’t help lol. When the brain is sleep deprived, it doesn’t have the energy to encode actions into memory like it normally. This is completely normal and happens all the time to people who are sleep deprived. However, dissociation (even without a switch) can also cause that weird “hazy” feeling. Because dissociation (without switches) normally causes a person to feel disconnected from themselves and from reality, it can cause processing of those memories to be a little wonky at times. In this state, you can still remember vaguely what happened, but may not recognize it as your own.

Also, you don’t have to worry about the length of your asks, Fox c: If you need more space to write then write your heart away. I’ll still give the same attention to your asks, regardless of length.

Stay safe xx

-Clover

#osdd protector #osdd positivity #did osdd #actually osdd #osdd problems #osdd alter #osdd community #osdd support #osdd system #osdd #dissociative system #dissociative alters #other specified dissociative disorder

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