#another small thing i was realizing while rereading this part

[beaversatemygrandma]

I want to share what has to be the funniest scene from my story. It’s something from an early chapter and doesn’t involve enough to give the whole story or require much of the story itself to understand. So, have it. Quick intro to the point in the plot: They’re hunting an oligarch. That’s all you really need to know.

I call it the Birdwatching Stakeout. Click the read more. You know you’re curious. ;)

The day was so dry and hot. The car’s air conditioning could hardly keep up with the sunlight bearing down on it. Pete and Ayla were right back in the same spot on the street from the week before in front of Skylights Company building.

“I swear to god, if you put the AC down to sixty-eight again when we get home…” Ayla grumbled as Pete reached for the air conditioning on the dashboard again.

He leaned back before turning it cooler yet again. “I miss the cold already. This is excruciating,” he said.

“You know you’ll get used to it.”

“I wasn’t used to it when I lived here and I’m still not now,” he laughed. “I want snow.”

“It’s May.”

“That hasn’t stopped it before.”

“Okay, I’ll admit I miss that too. I haven’t seen it since I left New York… And that’s been, what? Thirteen years now?”

“Maybe I do want to eventually get back into Canada. Out in Virginia is okay, but it’s not that.”

Ayla sighed, shaking her head, “Maybe one day you will. But please stop freezing me out at night.”

“What about now?”

“Now is fine, but don’t kill the car battery. I don’t want to ask somebody for a jump out here.”

“I can do that.”

They fell into another silence. Pete reached for his energy drink in the cupholder beside him and watched the building’s gate closely. There was far less traffic than there was last weekend.

“I wonder if he’s even here today,” he said. “…I should go in there.”

Ayla abruptly reached over and laid her fingers over his wrist. “I think that’s the caffeine talking. Your heart rate is ridiculously fast. Don’t do something stupid.”

He leaned closer to the window, looking down the street. “There’s that ‘park’ next door that reaches past the building. I could go through there to get behind it and check around back for a potential entrance.”

“I just said not to do something stupid,” Ayla muttered.

He didn’t seem to hear her. “There’s got to be a second-floor window that’s unlocked. Maybe it’s calm enough in there that I could slip in unnoticed. Then I can find out if Walford is even here today. Maybe even find my way to the top floor,” he pondered, looking over the building. “That or find the parking lot and see if there’s some high value car sitting out there. I doubt any of his workers could afford something nice. There’s no way he’s paying them well with how much he’s got. Maybe the old bastard has a Rolls Royce or something. That would be obvious.”

Ayla silently stared at him. “Are you done now?”

He questioningly glanced back at her.

“You should go out there and search around but don’t go inside. You’re just asking to get into trouble,” she said critically. “Searching the parking lot could be a good idea. But who knows if he’s one of those rich guys with a regular economy car? Some of them are like that.”

“Fair point…” he breathed out.

Pete then reached behind him and pulled a backpack from the backseat. He started going through it, pulling out various things.

“Alright, I’m going to bring the IR camera, a regular one, and…” he trailed off, pulling the IR camera from the bag. “…Though there’s likely cameras in there… Hmm.”

Ayla leaned over and opened the center console. “I don’t want to go through the hassle of figuring out how to dye hair that’s as dark as yours,” she said, pulling out a beanie from the stacks of junk she had already accumulated in there. She held it out to him and as soon as he took it, she pulled a hair tie off from around her wrist, handing it to him as well.

“…Oh,” he breathed out, looking to the hair tie.

“It’s long enough to do that now.”

“No way,” he said, just wanting to prove her wrong. He pushed the bag off his lap and down in front of his feet. He put the hair tie on his wrist and began a long struggle of gathering his hair up.

“Don’t forget the back too,” she pointed out.

He sighed, finally getting it together. Once it was up, it was obviously tight and barely long enough to stay held. He flicked down the visor for the mirror for a brief second. “I hate this. This is going to give me such a fucking headache,” he said, flipping it back up.

“Yeah, you’ll be fine,” Ayla said, motioning to the beanie as well.

He put that on as well. The hair was out of the question for an identifier. That paired with a high-collared button up hid the tattoo on his collarbone and the usual odd contouring Ayla had done, he wasn’t the same person visually.

“Okay, if I get caught near around the back of the building, I’m going with the ‘confused birdwatcher’ for this one,” he said, grabbing the cameras again. “And you should pull around the corner to the front of the park. Not near the entrance though. Don’t want to be suspicious.”

“Oh, yeah, of course. I swear I’ve got the same damn security guard from last weekend eying the car,” Ayla said.

“He can’t do shit unless you’re on the property. It’s fine. But I’m more worried about what’s out back,” he said, closing the bag again.

“…Hold on, ‘confused birdwatcher’?” she asked as he reached for the door handle.

He stopped and looked back to her to quickly explain, “Okay, back in Montana, I was at that national park after hours again and got stopped by a park ranger. He of course was there to kick me out for being there and I didn’t want to be brought home by the police again for sneaking out again. So, I ended up coming up with this really enthusiastic lie about how I was trying to find a certain bird that only appeared during those hours. The guy tried to give me advice about it and let me off with a warning about how he saw a bear around. Then I, of course, ended up still meeting up with Logan on the trails.”

“…I both envy and worry about your childhood,” Ayla said after a moment.

He nodded slightly, unsure how to respond. He grabbed the camera and said, “This is what sells it.”

She furrowed her brows. “Why did you have a camera when you were sneaking out to meet your boyfriend?”

“It wasn’t anything bad, I swear,” he said quickly. “We found a ravine off the path, and it looked fucking amazing at night. It was a full moon; the lighting was great. That was why.”

She doubtfully tilted her head towards him. “Okay… Sounds cool, I guess… Uh, go find the parking lot.”

He nodded and quickly got out of the car. As soon as he shut the door, Ayla was already preparing to pull into the street to go around the corner.

Pete headed down the street, towards the park entrance, carefully looking around for further security and cameras. The only camera should be set in the large tree towards the center of the garden. Everywhere but the entrance should be invisible to it. The cameras on the opposite side of the fence in the back were the ones to worry about.

He kept his hand on the camera, only now noticing just how much he was involuntarily shaking. Maybe today was the one day where so much caffeine wasn’t a good idea. It’s been so long since he had gotten proper rest that he had forgotten how caffeine affected him.

He walked around the small garden path into the back where he could visibly see the cameras mounted on the wall outside the building. There was no way around those. He was going to be seen no matter what he could do.

Birdwatcher. It’s perfect. This is a park. There’s got to be a bird around here. He thought, looking over the park, seeing if there were any around.

There weren’t.

This is a shitty excuse for a park. It has only one tree. He then noticed a pigeon on the opposite side of the fence. I would prefer the courtyard to this too, bud. He had to stifle a laugh about how ironic this was for his excuse as he carefully stepped over the flowers to press against the fence.

He peered over the top, keeping an eye on the bird and the cameras just above it. The courtyard was empty. This was perfect timing. Pete reached up and pulled himself over the fence in one quick motion.

As he started across the courtyard, he looked back at the pigeon. It only looked back at him. This was a bird that was very used to people around. He squatted down barely a foot away from the bird and it stayed in place.

I wish I had something to give him. Bread maybe. He thought, laying the camera on the ground, and taking a picture of it just to help his case of being the ‘birdwatcher’. It was just a pigeon and if anybody knew anything about birds, this might not work. The picture came out super well. The bird was looking right at the camera as if it had been posing.

“Yeah, I’m calling you Jacques. You’re cute as all hell, bud,” he whispered, barely reaching out towards the bird. It was then that it finally hopped away from him.

He stood back up, knowing that he couldn’t let Jacques distract him. Even if he knew that if he reached fast enough, he could easily catch it. But then what? He has a pigeon. No matter how badly he wants to do that, now is not the time.

“Alright, bud, where’s the parking lot?” he asked quietly, glancing back to the bird.

To his surprise, Jacques flapped up to a nearby picnic table, looking back to him. He followed the bird as it hopped from table to table and up onto the canopy covering the courtyard. The bird seemed to be pointing towards the back of the building.

Behind the building, there was a short private road leading from the opposite side. A line of hazard markers lined the edge of the courtyard and led into a parking garage tunnelling below the building.

There’s no way that bird just pointed me where to go. Pete thought, looking back to the pigeon. It was still on the top of the canopy, looking towards the private road to the parking lot. Pete then spotted a brightly colored food truck parked in the street just on the other side. Oh. Jacques wants food. Can’t blame him. A taco truck right there is tempting… Okay, focus. Where’s the security back here?

Pete looked around carefully for any cameras that weren’t accounted for. There was one right at the entrance of the garage and one by the gate at the end of the road. Both looked to be the larger cameras like on the sides of the building and at the secret factory in the next town over.

He took a breath before heading into the garage, ducking down near the wall to avoid the camera. The garage went further into the ground than expected. It was starkly dark, and cars were lined up in an organized manner. It was so organized that it could be necessary to get around any valets working.

There were bright lights towards the back. That spot should be avoided. He continued down the lines, looking over everything inside. There were mostly cheap cars in there, assumably all employees.

It wasn’t until he got to the second floor lower, that he saw something that could be a higher-class worker. He crouched behind an expensive electric car and took a quick picture of the license plate and what it was. This way, he might be able to confirm the owner. It’s possible this might be the car they’ll have to follow later. Upon further investigation, there were three other cars of this type. He took note of every license plate number and model.

Abruptly, the lights on the bottom floor turned on. Pete ducked between the cars and knelt in front of one, just behind the tire. This was as invisible as he could get.

“I can’t believe that old bastard took a damn taxi last night. And he has the balls to call in and order me to drive his damn car home today! He was the one drinking on the clock!” a gruff voice sounded from the other side of the floor.

“He’s the boss. We gotta listen to the boss man,” another said.

“What’s stopping him from doing this himself? Had he just lost himself in his privilege?” the first asked. He then softened his voice in a mocking tone, “Like, ‘Oh, my driver can handle this. No, he won’t get any extra pay or bonus from taking time out of his workday to help me. I own this man.’ Fuck him.”

“I get it. I know. It’s fucking annoying, but it is our job.”

“This isn’t part of the job description. I’m here to park for the employees and keep their cars safe down here, not run errands for this asshole.”

I hope they’re talking about Walford. Pete thought, slowly creeping towards one of the less extravagant cars to hide.

The two men stepped up to the last car he had taken information from, barely five feet away from him. He slid behind the tire of car just beside them as they continued to argue about their plans on getting back. They eventually landed on one of them driving their personal car to follow so they could get back to work.

Pete stayed put, silently listening to every move. He couldn’t make any movements until the lights were off again. It didn’t take much longer for the two valets to drive the car out and the lights to shut off behind them. He pulled out the camera and looked over the pictures, making a mental note of which one it was. Now to get out of here.

Pete slowly made his way out the same way he got in. He made sure to hang back from the exit as he carefully watched the valet get his personal car to follow their boss’s. He ducked back behind another car and waited a few minutes for them to be gone.

Once they were, he came back out and headed for the exit. He dodged the garage camera again and headed back to the courtyard. Jacques was still there, sitting on a picnic table. It looked to him and cooed, flying back up to the canopy, looking towards the nearby taco truck.

Sorry, bud, I’m broke. I’d buy you some chips if I could. He thought, looking to the pigeon disappointedly.

“Hey, you! The courtyard is closed to tours today!” A yell came from across the courtyard.

…Oh fuck. Think of something. Pete turned to the voice and called back, “Sorry, I was out at that park looking for birds! One ended up coming over here and I followed it. I’ll leave!”

“Birds? There’s nothing but pigeons out here!” the guard yelled back, still approaching him quickly.

“Pigeons?” Pete gasped, acting offended. “You can’t tell the difference between a common pigeon and a gorgeous Jacques’s Dove?”

The guard stopped barely five feet away from him. He looked up to the pigeon on the canopy. “…I don’t know enough about birds to say, but I’m pretty sure that’s a pigeon, man,” he said, looking to him questioningly.

Pete scoffed; he was having fun with it at this point. “That’s no pigeon. You can tell he’s a Jacques’s Dove by his blue beak and pinkish plumage! That thin neck just further points to being a dove! Besides, I have no idea why such a rare bird would be out here. The forums online made it seem like this was a real park where they could be seen, not some tiny ass garden! I can’t blame the bird for going elsewhere. That’s a shit excuse for a park.”

The guard was visibly confused. “…That—That’s a fat dove… Uh… Yeah… The park sucks…” he took a step back, glancing over at the small park over the fence. “Well, you saw the dove, right? So, can you… can you go now?”

Pete raised up his hands and nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I got my pics. I was already on my way out. Sorry for causing trouble.”

“Yeah, no problem. Just… Don’t do it again. Stay in the park,” the guard said.

He stayed in place, watching Pete carefully as he headed out towards the street. There was no point in climbing the fence again when there’s a guard already closely watching. He headed around the corner and started down the street towards where Ayla had parked in front of the park.

He got into the car as soon as he found it. He pointed forward, telling her to get moving. She immediately did.

“So, there’s two valets heading towards Walford’s house right now to bring him his car. I got the license plate number and I think they shouldn’t be too far from here,” he said. “Thought I did get held up a little by a guard.”

“How’d you get away from that one so easily?” she asked.

“I made him to think a pigeon was a rare dove,” he chuckled. He pulled up the recent photos on the camera and showed her the picture of the pigeon in question. “This is Jacques. He’s a pigeon.”

She glanced at the picture and laughed. “I can’t believe that worked.”

#its the gaslighting about a pigeon scene #its like a 15 min read not too long i couldn't tell you how many words tho #and honestly a good intro scene for one of the protags #even tho this one is a little bit of an outlier for him bc he's usually tired and angry but its a good tell of character #bc it's a good day when you've gotten proper sleep. have an energy drink. and have been spending time sitting in a car with a friend #taks speaks #out west #(btw new tag for when i decide to ramble about this stuff its the current title which may honestly get changed) #btw jaques' dove isn't a real species i did the research to make sure it wasn't lmao #another small thing i was realizing while rereading this part #is Pete is the same person who picked up a stray cat at one point and couldn't think of a name At All #so he ended up taking it to the vet to get neutered and such bc male cats spray and ew #and he's there at the vet staring at this little black cat entirely unable to form a name and just writes 'Shadow' on the paper #bc the cat is hiding in the shadows of the carrier. the name stuck. that cat is shadow #but yet. he manages to pull out a proper name for a random ass pigeon he finds #he's definitely the guy who picks up animals he finds. free cat in the street. friendly pigeons. #all except dogs. he's a cat person. but his current bf has managed to gather three whole dogs at one point #he's not in this scene at all but through the entire story he is never without a dog. specifically this little gray pitbull #and that little dog even won over pete who was very adamant about not liking dogs. she's a good dog. a very good dog. #also most of the gathering of dogs was revenge for bringing home Shadow bc his bf is allergic to cats and that's a whole damn thing #these are just random background points that have literally nothing to do with the plot tbh #but yeah. all this. I have years into these characters and they're finally formed into their own complex people #they are also now to the point of essentially moving the story themselves. they're just taking me along for the ride at this point #and this scene was very much one of those scenes

[hulhudhonado]

your work is fucking amazing.

hey! hi, hello, how are you? :)

may i request wanderer, (scara, whatever his goofy ahh name is rn), alhaitham, ajax and kaeya reacting to reader, who’s usually not a fan of physical affection, coming up to them and snaking an arm around their waists while resting their head into their neck?

thank you!! 🩷

CW: swearing in wanderer's part because I believe he would say fuck

HC: Reader is gender-neutral, Reader does not have a vision.

Characters: Wanderer, Al Haitham, Ajax (Childe), Kaeya [Seperately]

Note: Thank you so much! I apologise for the late upload as I am currently studying. I got some time for myself so here you go. I hope I do this justice. Please make sure to interact with the post and enjoy it!

Al Haitham

Al Haitham tends to be prepared for whatever is to come, however, the sudden feeling of an arm around his waist was not something he thought he would ever need to prepare for. 

Kaveh was finally out of the house, preferably looking for a job rather than complaining about everything Al Haitham did. This also gave Al Haitham the luxury of inviting you over without Kaveh taking your full attention. He wouldn’t say he was jealous, but Kaveh knew how to take care of company far better than he could. It was the one thing that left a sour taste in Al Haitham’s mouth, but he would never let Kaveh know about that.

You both were enjoying the quiet atmosphere of the room, nose shoved in books and lounging in your chairs. It was clear you both had chemistry which didn’t need to involve spoken words or gestures, Al Haitham liked your quiet company and you enjoyed his.

It didn’t take long but he finished his book, a little too fast it seemed because he could still see you weren’t done with yours. Not wanting to bother your reading, he closed the book and stood up to get another one. As he tried to quietly navigate the bookshelf, he didn’t realise your eyes slowly lifting off the pages to look at him.

Al Haitham, back turned, looked through the shelf thoroughly. It was clear he had pretty much read everything else on the shelf. He either had to reread another book or go out to find another one. Didn’t seem like a bad date idea to take you out book shopping with him. However before he could reach a decision, you began your attack.

An arm reached around his waist, followed by a gentle head on his shoulder. Al Haitham tried his best not to flinch but the shock of such an unexpected gesture made him shudder a bit. He turned to look down at you, who had slyly made their way to him without him realizing. You had a gentle smile on your face, happy to catch him off guard.

You both were typically not physical. It wasn’t something Al Haitham was against but it was pretty clear to him that you were not someone who indulged in that sort of affection. So seeing you make the first step was not something Al Haitham had prepared for. He looked back at the bookshelf.

“What are you looking for?” You perked up, trying to stifle a laugh. You knew what you did and you were fishing for a reaction from him. “ A book.” He answered, almost robotically.

“Hmm… I’m certain you read everything on this shelf” You could see the corner of his mouth twitch. It was small but he was reacting, you could feel your ego getting bigger. “Yes, you’re right.” Was all he could muster.

It never occurred to Al Haitham that he would enjoy such proximity to another human being. He tended to avoid any type of physical touch from most people. However, the way you held him just made him feel so warm, especially knowing you would never typically do something like this. He knew he would never recover from this, only wanting more in the future.

“Do you want to go out and get some new books then?” You ask, your head nuzzling closer to his neck. “That would be preferable.” He answered. You let out a chuckle, arm slipping off from him. But before you could pull yourself away, Al Haitham reached out his arm, forcing you to stay in your place, both of you now wrapped in each other’s embrace.

You let out a laugh. “Enjoying this much?” “Can’t say I don’t. “ His response only made you laugh more. “ Well it’s up to you, we could go get new books, or, we could just stay like this. What do you say?” Before Al Haitham could respond, a creek from the door could be heard.

“I’M BACK, OMG YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE THE THINGS I HAD TO DEAL WITH- Oh you have company.” Kaveh burst in, welcoming you the minute he saw you. Luckily for Al Haitham both of your reflexes were fast enough to pull away before he had seen you guys so close to one another.

Standing in front of the bookshelf, barely an inch apart, you both stood trying to seem as normal as possible. Al Haitham couldn’t believe he was getting embarrassed by almost getting caught by his roommate.

Al Haitham wasn’t prepared for what had happened today but he knew you planned to do more of this in the future. Hopefully, he would be prepared for the next time you did attack, and maybe he should find ways to kick Kaveh out for longer. He definitely did not want Kaveh to walk into whatever you both had planned for the future.

Childe (Ajax)

The closest that Childe has ever been able to touch you was probably during your friendly spars. You loved your distance and tended to keep a lot between the two of you. Even though you both had been together for quite a while it seemed you were not the type to get touchy with others. So Childe himself was amused when you decided to wrap an arm around his waist.

“What’s the occasion?” He asked, trying his best to focus on what was written in front of him. It was like you had calculated it. For once he was at the bank properly reading documents at his office when you decided to pop by. Now here you were slithered next to him, wrapped around him with your head on his shoulder.

He tried not to react, but he honestly wanted to throw away whatever he was reading just to return the favour. It was bold of you to do something like this so suddenly at such a random time. You never came by when he was working, even though he insisted. Paperwork was not fun for him but you were a rule-abiding citizen when you weren’t on a battlefield. He just had to know what was going through your mind for you to do this.

“No particular reason. Just felt like it.” You answered, nonchalantly. Your tone was dull and meek, escaping your throat like a whisper. Your usual fighting spirit was not there and he could sense it the minute you spoke. He finally looked at you and it was clear as day that you were not feeling well. Your hair was dishevelled and your eyebags were very noticeable.

Every single scenario flooded his mind. Was it because of work? Was someone rude to you? What happened to the person who would maniacally laugh whenever they got a scratch on him? He wanted to bombard you with questions but he stopped himself. Maybe it was because he was using his brain at this very moment rather than his instinct to fight, but he knew asking questions was not going to make you feel any better. So he reacted instead.

Shifting the documents to one of his hands, he let the other one wrap around you, engulfing into his side, closing any gaps between the two of you. You only responded by letting him do so, completely enveloping yourself in his arms and him in yours.

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?”He asked, giving you one more chance to answer if you wanted to. “I’m alright. Just let me stay like this for a while.” Even if he was disappointed by your response he wouldn’t show it. Instead, he responded with a hum, not prodding you with any more questions and letting you enjoy the warmth he could provide with the embrace.

So you both stayed together, wrapped in each other's arms while he worked. It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep but that didn’t stop Childe from keeping you by his side. Even in your sleep, your arm refused to let his waist go which did make him chuckle, maybe he could tease about this when you were feeling better.

Honestly, he expected the first time you held him like this to be in a more romantic setting but he was not going to complain about what he was getting. It was already a big step that you decided to come to his side for comfort. Your usual method of letting go of bad feelings was always sparing so it was a nice change of pace.

Maybe next time you do feel bad and need his comfort he will be able to get some words out of you. For now, he’s going to let you do whatever you want, even if it means catching him off guard with an arm around his waist.

Kaeya Alberich

“Cheers for a happy 6 months!” Kaeya chuckled. You both clinked your glasses, giggling tipsy from the alcohol. You both had been dating for half a year now, which was unbelievable in Kaeya’s mind. Kaeya always had a one-sided crush on you ever since you both had done academy training together. Who knew you felt the same? And now here you both were, celebrating together.

Kaeya could see Diluc roll his eyes yet he didn’t care. He knew it was considered cheesy to celebrate every month of a relationship, but you were the type to enjoy such things so he couldn’t say no. He began to love these silly celebrations with you, it felt special.

“You guys do know this isn’t the most romantic place to celebrate right?” Diluc piped up, as he organized the wine shelf behind him. Kaeya stuck out a playful tongue at him before taking a sip, which only made your tipsy self giggle some more.

“Yeah yeah, but it’s the place where we first confessed! It has special memories, you should be glad your tavern can create such happy moments.” You say, words a bit slurred but still understandable.

As you spoke you could hear the other tavern people cheer, which only made you cheer along. Kaeya could only stare at how stunning you looked at this moment. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact he was dating such a wonderful individual.

Diluc sighed, preparing you both another glass. He slid the glasses over. “Here then, for a successful 6 months.” He mumbled, rolling his eyes as you and Kaeya once again cheered.

Kaeya took the glass without hesitation, ready to down it in an instant, but he wasn’t prepared for what you had planned. An arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him and his chair closer to you. Kaeya had already begun to drink but the sudden action caused him to choke on it.

He coughed so much, that the drink spit out of his mouth. Diluc looked in disgust while you only could worry. “Are you alright?” You ask concerned, but Kaeya couldn’t hear anything. It was unbelievable, you had wrapped your arm around his waist! You both have never been this close before!

You tended to always stay in your own space and Kaeya wasn’t going to push it, especially since you guys were still freshly dating in his mind. He wasn’t going to risk ruining a relationship he dreamt of for years. Maybe it was the alcohol but it seemed that you had the confidence to pull such a sneaky trick.

“I’m fine i’m fine. It went down the wrong pipe for a second.” He tried to laugh it off, wheezing between sentences. He hoped you didn’t notice his panic, he didn’t want you taking your arms off him anytime soon. You smiled at himy placing your head on his shoulders which only made his head spin more.

Diluc looked at Kaeya in amusement. He got front-row seats to see his brother who was typically cocky completely speechless. Kaeya looked as a devilish smile crept up on Diluc’s face. “You know, it really is such a special day. Here, more drinks. On the house.” He slid you both more drinks. Kaeya could only stare in disbelief as you continued to chug them down like nothing.

“You’re being kind today Diluc! Thank you!” You gleefully exclaimed, setting the glass down and wrapping another arm around Kaeya. Your head that was on his neck pushed closer, and Kaeya could feel your hot breath on his neck, which only made him feel hotter.

The alcohol wasn’t helping, he could feel the dizziness get more intense as you pushed yourself closer to him. He was certain you were going to melt and mould him into slime with all the heat he was accumulating.

He could see Diluc prepare another drink, a sly smile still on his face. If this was how you acted tipsy he wasn’t ready to face you when you were a complete drunk. He stood up from the chair, pushing the glasses away from you which only rewarded him with a whine.

“we had enough for tonight. I’ll take you home.” You pouted but mumbled an OK, standing up yourself. However, you refused to let go of his waist, forcing him to stay close to you at all times. He tried to control his shyness but it was hard when you were so close.

“Hope you both enjoy the rest of your anniversary!” Diluc called out, a smile on his face as Kaeya glared, guiding you out of the tavern. He hoped the next time you decided to pull a stunt like this, you both weren’t as drunk anymore.

He also planned on never having anniversary celebrations at the Angel Share ever again. Or at least not on Diluc’s shift. He wasn’t ready for what other PDA you had in store, knowing Diluc would fan the flames to embarrass him. Maybe next time you guys can go drinking at each other’s houses instead. You’ll have to see on your seventh anniversary.

Wanderer

“What the fuck?” That was the first words that came out of his mouth when you decided to wrap an arm around his waist, placing your head on his shoulder. 

“Shut up I’m trying to rest here.” You mumble, closing your eyes, enjoying the icy sensation from his porcelain-like skin. The Sumeru desert was hot, unbearably hot. You didn’t want to come here but when you’re working in the Akademiya you didn’t have a choice in what you had to do to progress your research.

Lucky for you, you were accompanied by a walking ice pack. It was a shame his attitude wasn’t as cool as he was.

“No, I won’t, get off me.” He hissed, trying to push you off himself. You just rolled your eyes, gripping him a bit tighter. You knew he could easily toss you aside if he wanted to get you off. He had a vision that allowed him to blow you away in an instant, so him being so meek was an act.

“Yeah yeah, good luck with getting me off, i’m quite persistent.” You continue to mumble, pushing your head into the crevice of his neck. Wanderer had a very peculiar scent. A mixture of grass and freshly picked kalpalata lotus. It was such an odd smell but you honestly have got a bit addicted to it. It also helped his frosty exterior enhance it. Either way, the smell felt clean and cool, a refreshing scent during such hot weather.

You could hear him scoff, the sound ringing in your ears a bit since you were so close. You were close enough if you just turned your head you could peck him on the lips, you would have done so if you weren’t so tuckered out.

“Whatever, I’ll let you off this time. I won’t let you pull this shit next time.” You could only chuckle. This wasn’t the first time he tried to threaten you. To be honest he seemed to dull down a lot more compared to everything that happened before. You both weren't usually touchy, actually, you were not touchy at all, so whenever when you do shit like this it always ticked him off. You were honestly surprised he hadn’t gone into a swearing fit like when you first held his hand. It was almost as if he was slowly getting used to your touch, which you didn’t mind.

However today you were just out of it, too tired to mess around with him or worry about touch. The shade of the cave you both sat under accompanied by his cool refreshing self attached to your side made you drowsy. You could feel your brain finally go into shut-down mode.

“Hey, don’t you dare go to sleep… ” You would think he was trying to stop you from falling asleep but his intentions were clear when you could hear how softly he whispered those words to you. You could feel his arm, which was nowhere to be seen until now, finally, wrap around you from the side. 

“If you fall asleep I’m going to leave you here to fend for yourself…” He continued to whisper. It almost sounded like a lullaby but you knew the sun would be rising from the west if that was the case. “Yeah yeah, at least bury me in the sand before you do.” That was the final words you said before you finally got knocked out.

- - -

To no one’s surprise when you did wake up, he was still at your side. Both of you were unmoved from the original position from when you had fallen asleep. The only difference was that the sun had set and the stars littered the sky.

“Good morning to you.” He grumbled which you answered with a yawn. “ What happened to leaving me alone to fend for myself?” You asked, trying to let go but as he remained unmoved you could not.

You huffed, trying to push him off but he finally decided to use his given strength to make sure you couldn’t. He didn’t turn to look at you, instead focused on the sky. You sighed, giving up and following his gaze up to the sky. Was the sky always full of that many stars?

“I changed my mind.”

#genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x gender neutral reader #al haitam x reader #genshin fluff #wanderer x gender neutral reader #wanderer x reader #al haitham x gender neutral reader #kaeya alberich x reader #kaeya x gender neutral reader #kaeya x reader #childe x reader #ajax x reader #tartaglia x reader

[moonluvin]

bite marks - steven grant.

pairing: dark!steven grant x female reader

summary: in which y/n starts receiving mystery packages from a stranger – not that she minds it since its stuff that she likes. however, things take a turn when a seemingly kind face reveals more than you would expect.

warnings: angst, fluff & smut (holy trinity).

a/n: happy reading!

word count: 3.4k words

minors/ageless blogs dni.

masterlist

For several weeks you found bouquet of flowers on your doorstep. You were instantly delighted, as you had never received flowers before. It didn't take long for you to realize that someone was watching you.

That someone had maintained a fair distance from you but was close enough to observe you. He kept a book in which he made notes of your likes and dislikes, so far, he had written up quite a detailed profile on you.

As expected, another bouquet of flowers had been left on your doorstep, this time it was accompanied by a note – something which did not occur before.

Curiously, you wasted no time in reading the note.

‘like a moth to a blame, i can't help but feel drawn to your presence.’

It had no name signed to it, just a vague note.

A twisted part of you enjoyed the attention you received as you clutched the note to your chest and smiled briefly.

All the while you were completely oblivious to the stare on you.

Today, a day just like any other, had a slight change. A man, whom you don’t know the name of had walked into the café you worked at and had a nervous exchange when ordering his drink of choice.

“Steven,” you called out his name and waited for said mystery man to collect his drink. He avoided eye contact and said a little ‘thank you’ before walking to a secluded corner and situating himself there with a book.

You smiled at the sight and continued your workday as usual.

You enjoyed your line of work as it allowed you to indulge in two activities you liked. Meeting people and baking.

Steven had found solace in his little corner with a few glances your way. He didn’t want to be obvious since he was used to watching you from the shadows but watching you in your place of comfort made it almost impossible to keep his gaze away from you.

“Interesting choice,” you said as you cleaned the table next to him.

Your voice surprised him.

He looked at the book in his hand and then back at you.

“I’m actually rereadin’ it,” he said as calmly as he could.

“Oh? You enjoyed it that much?” you said with interest.

The book he had been trying to reread was “Persuasion” by Jane Austen.

“I certainly did,” he said with a smile.

He already knew of your interest in reading and took the initiative to read all books you have read in order to understand you better. Due to his observations of you, it was easy to pick up on your habits and on the fact that you’re unconscious of your surroundings.

You smiled at his reply and politely excused yourself to the kitchen.

Steven’s heart had been beating rapidly for the entire exchange the two of you had. It may have been small, but to him it was the perfect way to insert himself into your life.

Your everyday life has now consisted of friendly exchanges with Steven on the basis of books and the occasional walk home from him when he waited for you to close up the café.

The flowers from your admirer had not stopped, however, they had now become something you get occasionally.

On this particular day you had been living life as usual when Steven walked in with the sweet smile he had reserved for you, in his hand was his copy of ‘Persuasion’.

He sat at his usual place and waited for you to approach him, as you did so, he wasted no time in nervously babbling to you.

“I know this isn’t the most appropriate way to do this since you’re at work and all, but I would love to take you on a date if you would like to go on one?” he said all in one go and if it weren’t for you being used to taking note of everything your customers say then you wouldn’t have understood him.

Steven avoided eye contact with you the more you remained silent, and he had begun to think that maybe asking you on a date at work was a bad idea.

“I would love to,”

All worry he was feeling had dissipated and he looked with you with a toothy grin.

“You would?” he said slightly surprised.

You nodded in response and smiled at him.

He seemed to grasp his surroundings and returned your smile as he recited that he would have his usual drink. Before you left to prepare his order, he handed you his copy of Persuasion.

“I wanted you to have this,” he said, making a point to maintain eye contact with you.

You were about to protest when he spoke up again.

“Its an annotated copy with notes I made specifically for you,”

As soon as he said that you knew you couldn’t refuse it. So, you took the copy with a soft thank you and went on to tend to his order.

Following that exchange between you and Steven, the two of you had quickly fell into a relationship where everything seemed natural. Especially with Steven’s efforts towards you.

Upon making things official, you had told him about the flowers you received previously, to which he assured you that it was okay, and he would take care of it if you wanted him to.

Very quickly 3 months had passed by, and it was filled with pure bliss. Steven being a new addition to your life had made it a happy wonderland.

“Do you want anything from the kitchen?” you heard him ask aloud from your kitchen.

“I’m good thanks,” you assured him as he walked into your living room.

A recent activity the two of you shared was reading in the company of each other and annotating the books for one another. Which is what the two of you were currently doing.

You watched his reaction as you pulled out a book you knew he would be surprised to see.

His eyes slightly widened upon seeing the title and his eyes made their way to you.

“Interestin’ book you’ve got there,” he said, his voice sounding lower than before.

“You think so? I thought I’d give it a try,” you said feigning innocence.

“You should, I’ve heard tha’ its quite detailed,”

“You’ve heard of it?” you asked with a raised brow.

“Of course, I have,” is all he said before opening his own book and reading it.

You took it as a sign that he didn’t want to go further with the conversation.

Throughout the night, Steven had noticed the way you would slightly clench your thighs as your eyes skimmed through the book. It was easy for him to pick up on the fact that you were turned on by what you were reading.

He knew this from the many nights he’d seen you touch yourself. You of course were not aware of your audience, not that he would want you to know that.

Even though your relationship with Steven was only 3 months in, sexual activities between the two of you were not a main concern, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t time where either of you got carried away while making out.

He made it known to you that he wanted to take things slow, and you never questioned him because you respected his wishes. The actual reason he wanted to take things slow was because he wanted to enjoy your company before finally indulging in you. It was all part of his plan.

On a day which was just like any other, you were cleaning up your bookshelf when you realised a particular book of yours was missing. It had been one you read a long time ago and you had specifically put it in a place only you knew of.

You brushed off your concern and chalked it down to you simply misplacing it.

The weather outside had been rainy, but not the calm drizzle you were used to, instead it was storming. Steven had stated he had difficulty in coming to see you and you of course understood this and told him you’d see him tomorrow.

Just as you were about to walk into the kitchen to wash the dishes from earlier, the lights went out. You huffed out a sigh and began looking for candles in order to see properly in the dark.

A sound coming from your living room heightened your senses as you stayed stark still.

You were the only one home, so the noise was unusual to say the least.

With a candle in hand, you softly made your way towards where the noise came from. The rational part of your mind was screaming to leave it alone and retreat to the safety of your room. However, your curiosity had got the best of you.

A book was face down on the floor as you looked around for the source of the noise, you picked it up and turned it around to look at the cover.

It was the missing book. That missing book.

A burning feeling of fear in your chest made you turn around to go to your room, but the figure in the shadows did not allow that.

The stranger’s hand had clasped its way around your mouth to prevent your from screaming whilst the other had pulled you towards him and gripped both your hands in his to avoid you from getting away.

It was by sheer luck that the candle you were holding fell and the flame was put out instantly.

Now, you were in the darkness of your own home while a stranger held you prisoner in his hold.

You felt the vibration of his chuckle as he held you.

“You can’t get away from me,” he said maliciously.

Your eyes widened in shock, and you tried to push your way out of his hold.

“You made it so easy f’me,” he stated as he dragged you towards your room.

He knew his way around your home, which didn’t register in your mind yet since you were trying to get away from him.

That’s when an idea popped into your mind.

You bit down as hard as you could, and he hissed in pain. Before you could scream, he used some type of material to stop you from screaming.

“Don’t make me do things I’ll later regret,” he warned as he stopped to make a point to you.

You complied out of fear and let him take you to your room.

With the absence of electricity, it made it difficult for you to make out the face of the man.

He carefully restrained your hands and made you sit on your bed facing him. You’d assume in a situation such as this you would be scared, but you didn’t exactly know what you felt. Maybe it was the adrenaline.

“If you listen t’me, then we can make things easy,” he stated.

You quirked a brow at him but nodded in compliance. The last thing you wanted was to make him angry.

“I don’t want any funny business, if you try anything against what I’m saying then I’m goin’ to have to use this,”

The little bit of light from outside allows you to see the knife he’s holding in his hand.

You feel a familiar throb between your legs at his words.

“Move more up,” he indicates to your bed, and you move up further to provide him with space to sit at the edge and watch you.

“Did you enjoy getting the flowers from me?”

Of course, it had to be the mystery man who had been sending you flowers.

“I assume you now don’t like them as much since you’re too busy giving time to someone else,” he said with a hint of a smile.

You want to speak and let him know that you missed receiving the flowers, but it occurred to you in that moment that this was a complete stranger to you. So, why did you feel the need to validate the way he felt?

“You may be thinking I don’t know a thing about you, but I know more than anyone else in your life,” he chuckled darkly and looked to the side before facing you again.

“I know all about the dark fantasies tha’ roam around tha’ mind of yours. The fear you feel by thinking about them but also the enjoyment you get,”

You tensed at his words; your thoughts were your own. Something only you were aware of.

He stood up from the bed and pulled you by the ankles to the edge of the bed. Spreading your legs open in the process, you were about to force them closed when he grazed the blade of the knife from your ankle all the way up to your thighs.

Your arms were still restrained in front of you as he began to train the blade towards your neck. Your eyes never left his, even if you couldn’t see them in the dark.

He was enjoying the willingness you were showing him.

“Be a good girl,” he said while using both hands to carefully cut your shirt in the middle. You felt the coolness of the air on your bare chest once he finished.

He stared at you for a moment and contemplated his choices.

“I’m goin’ to allow you to speak, but the moment you do anythin’ out of line. You know the consequences,”

You looked from the reflected blade to his shadowy figure and nodded.

He removed the piece of material from your mouth and waited for you to scream, when you didn’t, he disregarded the material and took hold of your hands by gripping them.

Your hands were above your head on the bed while he straddled you and his face was in line with yours.

“All you have to say is no,” he assured you.

Its funny how he gives you that choice after what his already done.

You thought for a moment, head foggy with thoughts and nodded.

A ghost of a smile made its way to his face.

“You’re a very bold person,” he said before kissing your neck and caging you between his body and the bed. His one hand still remained by keeping your above your head while the other grasped your breast, kneading the flesh and causing you to slight moan.

“You like tha’?” he asked with a chuckle.

You nodded and looked to his lips, as a way of asking him to kiss you.

“Use your words,” he insisted.

“Yes. I liked that,”

He pecked your lips and sat up briefly to take off his own shirt. You laid there and watched him with wanting eyes.

For a moment he stepped away from the bed and tugged at the waist band of your pants till they were off, next to be disregarded were your underwear.

He soon returned to kissing you, but his hand trailed down your body till they were between your legs, feeling your arousal.

“Someone seems to enjoy having a stranger do such things to them,” he chuckled darkly and began to draw little circles on your clit, making you bite your lip to stop your moans from being heard.

“I want to hear you,” he insisted and added more pressure to his fingers on your clit. Your moan of pleasure gave him the validation he so desperately wanted to hear.

“Fuck,” you swore under your breath as he sucked on one of your breasts.

He hummed in acknowledgement and continued his little game of pleasure.

Slowly, he made his way down your body till you felt his tongue teasing your clit.

You went to move your still restrained hands.

“Keep your hands where they were,” he warned and looked up at you.

You complied and spread your legs more for him.

He took his time with teasing your clit, using his fingers to spread you so he could suck on your clit and spread your arousal.

“You’re so wet,” he said with a teasing tone.

“Please,” you begged, not knowing exactly what you wanted.

You felt two of his fingers at your entrance as he stimulated you by still sucking on your clit. He set a comfortable pace, his fingers motioning them in a way that has you almost seeing stars.

You feel yourself going towards that feeling of euphoria and as you clench around his fingers, he stops.

“Not yet,” he said with a chuckle.

You whine in protest but silence yourself once he moves. He removes whatever remaining pieces of clothing he has and situates himself on the bed and pulls you on top of him to straddle him and removes the restraints from your hands.

“Ride me,” he says almost like a plea, which surprises you.

You settle one hand on his shoulder to balance yourself as you guide him into you. As you slowly sink down into his lap, you both gasp at the feeling of each other. He kisses you and pulls your body closer to his. Your hips begin to move on their own accord as you continue to kiss each other.

“Just like tha’,” he praises as he breaks the kiss and looks at you.

Breasts slightly bouncing with the motion of your hips. Out of habit you bite your lip, but soon grip his neck to make him look at you before you kiss him.

Something about him feels so familiar, but any rational thoughts you have are consumed by the feeling of him. A stranger who is making you feel things you’ve only read about.

You continue to kiss him and feel his one hands trail between you and him. You feel the pressure of his fingers on your clit and soon that familiar build up of euphoria is felt in the pit of your tummy.

“You gonna cum f’me?” his tone was demanding yet still held desperation in them.

“You’re gonna make me cum,” you admit and start to move your hips even more.

“Then cum,” he demands, and like the good girl that you are, you cum.

You moan into the kiss and ride out your orgasm, only stopping when you become too sensitive.

He chuckles when you slump against him.

“We’re not done yet,”

He braces you against him and soon your back is on the bed, and he is now above you, his cock still inside you.

In the middle of you gaining your conscious thoughts back, you see him take the knife from before and hold it against your neck.

The feeling of the cool metal makes you gasp.

“I’m not goin’ to hurt you,” he assures you, and somehow you know you can trust him.

He begins to thrust into you at a slow pace, leaning over to kiss you every now and then while he whispers sweet nothings into your ear. The blade is still held against your neck. The wetness from your previous orgasm makes it easy for him to thrust into you.

You hear him curse under his breath every few moments, and you know he’s having an internal battle with wanting to thrust into you harshly.

“Do it,” you tell him.

He hums in confusion.

“Fuck me faster, stop holding back,” you tell him.

That was all he needed to hear before you felt him begin to increase the pace in thrusts and the force of his hips were now more brutal than before. He was chasing own high, but at the same time. He was ensuring you felt it just as much. You felt him kissing your neck and without warning, you felt his teeth sink into your neck. The pain causing a sense of pleasure.

“Rub your clit,” he says through gritted teeth.

You do as he says and clench around him at the overstimulation. With a few more thrusts, he’s cumming inside of you and while you cum at the same time. You’re both breathing heavily. You lay there and stare at the ceiling above you, the rational thoughts finally making their way back to you.

A stranger just fucked you in your bed, and you willingly let him do so. Your thoughts were interrupted by said stranger pulling you towards him and kissing you on the forehead. The pain from the bite mark still lingered on your sensitive skin.

“Fuck, y/n. Tha’ was so good,”

That’s when it hits you. That voice.

“Steven?”

#steven grant #steven grant fanfiction #steven grant fanfic #steven grant angst #steven grant fluff #steven grant smut #steven grant x you #steven grant x y/n #steven grant x reader #moonknight #moonknight fanfiction #moonknight fanfic #angst #fluff #smut

[luxsky]

First of all, Kicking out was amazing! I love reading domestic fluff like this! I would love to see the birth scene and the aftermath/Rhys interacting with his newborn. Rhys is such a simp and is the type who would do anything for his mate and the people he loves so it would be cute to see it in that context especially since we were robbed of it in silver flame.

Again, I love reading your fic and it’s amazing that this was your first one! Looking forward to reading more!

Kicking Out, part 2

Rhysand x reader

Summary: Reader and Rhysand's baby is born, and they revel in the love that surrounds them.

Warnings: Amateur description of childbirth, fatigue, a brief snippet of body insecurity, biological inconsistency – I think that's it, but I could be mistaken.

Author's Note: I procrastinated so much to write the second part until I realized that months had passed since the first part. I truly apologize for taking this long; it wasn't my intention. Thank you for all the love, support, and compliments; my heart warms every time I reread them! ♥️ I promise to try and write more quickly. Again, thanks to everyone who commented, liked, and reposted the first part; I love you all. English is not my first language, so please let me know of any spelling errors!

Madja said that walking would help, the movement would make her body dilate faster, and the baby would be born in the blink of an eye. One detail she might have forgotten to mention is that contractions would also increase along with dilation. In the early hours, you managed to walk with some pauses, going back and forth in the corridor—going down stairs was certainly not an option—with your kind partner by your side, ensuring nothing would go wrong. However, as time passed, the pain radiating from your lower back to half of your leg became so intense that you limited your movements, entering your room and contenting yourself with small steps there.

At this point, the pain was so much that Rhys had to practically guide you, his hand supporting your lower back, while you used the other for support, holding it firmly. Your breath came out in gasps, and for a brief moment, your body was free from pain, and you wanted to feel relief, but after being there for hours, you knew it was only a matter of minutes until the next contraction would arrive and strip away any capacity to think.

"Rhys, I'm tired," you whispered, barely managing to finish the sentence before the pain coiled in your back and flowed down your legs again. A moan escaped your lips, and you bent forward, your legs almost giving way, Rhysand quickly holding you, preventing you from reaching the floor.

"Come, dear, let's get you on the bed," your partner's voice was filled with tenderness and concern. He pulled you towards the large, comfortable bed you shared, and even though you wanted to keep walking, as Madja advised, your energy had long run out. So when Rhys helped you onto the bed, you didn't argue.

Your hands released Rhysand's, leaning on the bed. Before you could put your legs on the mattress, another contraction came, and a strangled scream of pain left your throat just as Madja returned to the room, carrying towels and other things that your mind didn't process.

The position you were in was strangely comfortable, the upper part of your body supported on the mattress. When your partner touched you again, as if telling you to lie down, tears welled up in your eyes. If your body wasn't so trapped in pain, you might have told him that it was okay, that this position was good.

"I know it's comfortable, love, but if you lie down, Madja can examine you better," Rhysand would know what you were thinking. You probably lowered your shields, projecting many feelings to him. You tried to block him, wanting to spare him the pain, but the claws caressing your mind gave you a hint that he didn't want that.

Before another contraction came, you decided to listen to your partner and finished getting on the bed. Rhysand was quick to arrange the pillows behind you, trying to keep you as comfortable as possible.

Madja approached, a gentle smile on her face as she asked for permission and adjusted your legs to examine you. The pants you wore earlier had been replaced by a light dress, shortly after your water broke.

Rhys sat on the edge of the bed, one hand holding yours while the other moved some strands of hair from your face. He did his best to secure it in the best way possible due to your position, knowing well that sweat and loose hair weren't a comfortable combination. He left a gentle kiss on your forehead, and another contraction arrived. Instinctively, you squeezed Rhysand's hand, another strangled scream escaping your lips as your whole body trembled with pain. This time, the tears that came to your eyes freely flowed down your face.

"I see the baby's head," Madja said, her eyes locking onto yours as she explained gently. "In the next contraction, I need you to push."

You nodded, not trusting your voice to respond. You were so tired, and there was still so much left for this to be over.

"It's almost over, dear, you can do it," your partner reassured you for a few seconds, but then your back burned with pain again. Your entire body, even your arms, legs, and back, pushed instinctively as your partner murmured encouraging words.

You pushed and pushed, Madja saying she could already see the head, and it was almost there. Meanwhile, Rhysand talked to you, his voice so close to your ear.

"That's it, love, it's almost there," he spoke again, his hand passing through your forehead, wiping away the sweat that accumulated.

Once again, the pain arrived, and you pushed. Relief flooded you the moment the cry of a baby filled the room, mixed with your own cry as you threw your head back. The pain disappeared, and the only thing you felt besides relief was exhaustion. The warmth of your partner moved away, his hand leaving yours, the baby's cry stopped, and you looked for your child, finding her in the arms of the man you loved. A cloth wrapped the newborn, Rhys's arms cradling the small bundle as he walked, swinging to your side. Madja still hovered at the edge of the bed, making sure you were okay.

When your partner sat next to you again, you adjusted yourself and reached out, wanting to hold the baby. He smiled with so much joy as he passed your daughter into your arms.

"It's a girl," he murmured, and you felt tears returning to your eyes as you watched the little one. All your fatigue was forgotten as the small noise from your daughter's lips touched your heart.

Rhys extended his hand, and the baby grabbed his finger. You looked up at your partner, finding the same love you felt, shining in his eyes. He looked at you, a tender smile playing on Rhys's lips.

"Our little Ciara," you whispered, again mesmerized by your daughter. Rhysand placed a gentle kiss on the top of your head and whispered an "I love you."

Your body started to feel heavy, your eyes almost couldn't stay open, the fatigue from hours pulling your consciousness.

"Rest, dear, you deserve it," was the last thing you heard before sleep took you completely.

When you woke up again, Rhysand had his back to you, rocking and murmuring something softly. Not wanting to interrupt the moment, you silently watched, your body still a bit lethargic from the previous effort.

When he turned around, it took him a moment to notice you were awake. His eyes were fixed on your daughter. He smiled gently when he realized your gaze, calmly sitting on the bed with Ciara sleeping in his arms.

"For how long did I sleep?" you whispered, not wanting to wake her. You sat up, leaning against the bedhead when Rhys offered the baby to you.

Just a few minutes. Madja said you wouldn't sleep much; your instincts would wake you up at some point to breastfeed Ciara.

Your partner communicated, and, sensing the change of location, Ciara began to move when you held her. It didn't take long for her little cry to fill the room.

Remembering the lessons you learned during pregnancy, with a bit of difficulty, you started breastfeeding the tiny baby. Her little hand instinctively grabbed your finger.

Rhys's hand reached for your face, brushing away your hair as his eyes reluctantly left their daughter to observe his partner; his body was relaxed. He rested his hand on your stretched thigh, lips pressed together, trying to contain a smile.

"I can't stop smiling every time I look at her. It's like my body fills with this... sensation, hard to explain, but it's a good feeling," he murmured, his thumb drawing circles on your leg.

You approached him, careful not to disturb Ciara, and planted a quick kiss on your partner's lips. Pulling away, you replied, "I feel it too."

Silent minutes passed; Ciara drifted into sleep on your chest. Rhys left and returned quickly, explaining the reason upon his return.

"I informed the others everything went well. Morrigan and Cassian wanted to visit, but I asked them to give us a few days alone," he said, leaning over to caress his daughter's small arm.

"I put Mor and Amren in charge of the court; they'll handle everything as we adjust to our new routine," he stepped back, heading towards another door in the room—leading to your private bathroom. "I also asked the house to prepare a bath for you. I'll check if everything's ready, and when I come back, I can take care of Ciara so you can relax in the tub."

You stood as he entered the bathroom, carefully lifting Ciara from your chest. Rhys returned silently, taking Ciara from you and planting a gentle kiss on her forehead. He indicated the bathroom with a nod.

"Take your time, and call me if you need anything," he said. You nodded and walked slowly to the bathroom.

You felt strange, Ciara was no longer inside you, but your belly still had a slight protrusion. As you removed your dress and entered the bathtub, the warm water eased some of the discomfort, allowing you to relax.

Your mind easily drifted away from potential insecurities that might arise, although you knew they would return eventually. At that moment, the only thing you had the energy to think about was how cute your daughter was and how delightful it was to soak in the bath with bath salts and bubbles.

You relaxed in the bathtub for a while, washing the sweat from your body and taking a moment to tend to your hair. Your thoughts oscillated between enjoying the magically heated water for a few more minutes and checking on your partner and daughter. However, you didn't need to make a decision because you heard a gentle knock on the door.

Your voice was soft and weary as you signaled for Rhysand to enter – it could only be him, after all. As your partner opened the door, he carried a towel and a change of clothes. The smile that formed on his lips mirrored the one on Rhysand's face. He handed you the towel as you stood up, and the soft fabric enveloped your body for drying. Soon, you were dressed in the warm and comfortable clothes your amazing husband had brought.

"Where's Ciara?" Your curiosity and concern prompted the question. Rhysand placed a gentle kiss on your forehead and turned to grab a hairbrush as he answered.

"She fell asleep after feeding; I put her in the crib," he walked behind you, a murmur escaping your lips, signaling that you had heard his response. His hands were gentle as he worked through your hair, the brush smoothly untangling the strands that had become knotted during the intensity of childbirth.

"I want to stay close to her tonight. I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone in a room on her first day of life," your voice was no more than a whisper, and despite the concern engulfing your body, a hint of embarrassment for not being able to leave her was present too.

Your husband's shortly nasally laughter made you turn around to find his gaze as he finished brushing your hair. He didn't say anything, but one of his hands went to your cheek, Rhys's thumb tracing gentle circles. With the other hand, he placed the brush on the countertop behind you.

"I figured you'd want that," he whispered, his face approaching yours, and your foreheads touched. The soft smile remained on Rhys's face. Instinctively, your eyes closed as he neared, and you brought your lips close to his, planting a gentle kiss.

"That's why I did this," his hand grasped yours, and he pulled you back to the bedroom. A warm smile grew on his lips as he surveyed the scene. The bed linens had been changed to clean ones, and a tray filled with your favorite foods had been placed on the bed. Next to it was the crib that used to be in the small room designated for Ciara, and inside, peacefully sleeping, was your little baby.

You turned to your partner, your eyes moist with unshed tears. Rhysand was already looking at you, the star-speckled eyes of your partner smiling at you, the expression on his face radiating pure love. You hugged him, and his arms quickly embraced you, his warmth enveloping you. Your voice sounded muffled as you whispered a soft "I love you."

The kiss he planted on the top of your head was followed by a quiet "I love you too, my shining star."

"Come on, let's get some food in your stomach so you can watch our little one until you fall asleep."

Following your partner to the bed, you did exactly as he said: indulged in all the food he had prepared, lay on the bed facing your daughter's crib, and with Rhysand's arms around you from behind, watched the little bundle of joy until sleep pulled you into comfortable darkness.

#acotar #rhysand #fanfic #Rhysand x reader #rhysand acotar #rhys acotar #rhys x reader #pregnancy #x reader #pregnant reader #Soft #rhysand imagine #a court of thorns and roses

[lividstar]

愤怒的星星 ★ — COLLISION OF PARALLEL LINES.

៚ wc: 17.6k

៚ fluff, punk!hongjoong x fem!reader, slowburn, ot8 cameos, college au except idk if i did it right, mutual pining, first few parts are just flashbacks, opposites attract (kinda?) will probably be a 2-part series

៚ The thought of enjoying your Saturday morning however you please may initially seem exciting, but it can become as daunting as weekdays when you end up with tasks even on your supposed days off—which, in your case, is none other than buying a psychological thriller book for your roommate, who claims she needs it in order to share a "common interest" with the nerdy guy from her linguistics class she seems to be obsessed with. You already saw it coming when you opened your phone to find numerous missed calls from her, but what you didn't expect was a coincidental encounter with a guy who seems to have visited the bookstore for the same reason as you. It only took you two more no-longer-so-coincidental encounters for you to realize just how deep you’ve fallen into the bottomless pit.

You never really tend to realize just how much of an effect a certain person’s presence has on you until you start to crave more of it during the times you fail to feel it around.

The first time you saw him was when you were walking in and out of your local bookstore’s aisles, fingers brushing through the rows of books neatly arranged according to their genres. For how long you’ve been doing the exact same thing, you begin to forget just why and how exactly visiting the place managed to sneak itself in between your routine for the day.

Rewinding the day’s events so far so you could recall what exactly were you doing inside a bookstore standing in front of an aisle solely for the psychological thriller genre, you vividly remember your roommate calling you in the middle of your morning stroll at the park asking if you could stop by a nearby bookstore and buy her a book she apparently needs for “academic purposes.”

You were hesitant at first, thinking she was probably airing out a false reason. With the amount of times you’d come home to the sight of her deeply engrossed in a complex thriller movie, you’d assume she wanted the book solely due to her interests.

You ran your eyes through the columns once more, sighing in relief when you finally found the book your roommate wanted you to buy. You took your phone out to take a picture of it and send it to her for confirmation, but just as you were about to reach for it, another person whose presence you failed to notice until now did so as well, making your hands brush against each other after reaching for the same book stacked in the sixth row of the shelf.

You immediately looked to the side and managed to catch a glimpse of his eyes slightly widening, and so did he with yours. You remember being the first one to snap back to reality, taking a step back to face him while waving your arms off in front of your chest.

“You can take it,” you said, awkwardly chuckling as you gestured for him to take the book instead. You figured you’d just buy a copy of it online, or if you’re going to be free on some days this week, perhaps you’d stop by other bookstores. Your roommate didn’t specify when exactly she needed the book, anyway.

He mirrors your actions instead of reaching for the book, gently pulling down the left cord of his earphones—you thought it was a subtle gesture of bouncing your initiation of small talk back to you, so you let your attention get taken away as your ears perked up to listen to whatever the stranger had to say.

“It’s fine, i’m sure you’ll need that one more than I do,” he said, pointing to the book neither of you were considering taking with a gentle smile. “I’ve actually read it five times already—just thought a sixth reread was necessary earlier in the morning, so here I am now.” He chuckled, and only then did you manage to get a good look at him.

His hair had a striking resemblance to the burgundy patterned carpets of the bookstore, and from the looks of it, you were able to tell from a single glance that it definitely wasn’t the first time he’s ever dyed his hair. Black sunglasses remained sat atop his head, and his ears were decorated in multiple piercings. He wore a layered chain necklace, the silver material of the accessories shining as the lights by the roof reflected on it. A dark red leather jacket was hung lazily over his shoulders, showing the black tank top he wore underneath. He was wearing black, ripped baggy jeans, and it was adorned with chains attached to its waistline. His combat boots were of the same color, and the shoelace of the left foot was undone—you couldn’t tell if it was on purpose or if he simply didn’t notice. He wore silver rings on almost each of his fingers, and you were able to see that one of his nails was painted black when he adjusted one of his rings. It almost made you smile, but it wasn’t until he cleared his throat that you realized you’ve been staring at him for about a minute or two.

Your eyes widened in surprise, awkwardly chuckling as you did your best not to give him the wrong impression. “Sorry, I was just...” you trailed off, not knowing what horrible excuse you should use to drag yourself out of a potentially awkward encounter. “...just wondering why you’d want to read the same book six times straight.” Great, you certainly didn’t come off weird, but you definitely sounded rude.

Just as you were about to hurriedly mutter out an apology, the man’s stifled laugh immediately put a halt to your train of thought. “It sounds strange, doesn’t it? My friends have been asking me the same question for a while now, so this isn’t really surprising for me. See, this book has a lot of foreshadowing in it, so I think It’s nice to reread it every once in a while to see the points I’ve missed.” He shrugged his shoulders, making his leather jacket fall off smoothly on one side.

He noticed you struggling with thinking of what to respond, so he took it upon himself and steered the conversation away from himself and towards you. “What about you? what were you going to buy the book for?” he asked, and you were quick to answer—thankful for his initiative.

“Going to the bookstore wasn’t originally part of today’s schedule, but apparently my roommate couldn’t get any more lazier and asked me to stop by to purchase the book for her because she can’t do it herself.”

There was something about the way you expressed your frustration (although jokingly) with a deadpanning look on your face that almost made him want to laugh, and you could tell by the way he was visibly fighting against the corners of his lips that were twitching upwards.

“That’s tough,” he stated the obvious as he ran his jewelry adorned fingers through his burgundy hair—with the way you saw a line of sweat drip down by the side of his face, you knew you weren’t the only one who found the bookstore to be in a strangely warm temperature today.

You saw a few air conditioners here and there on the walls, and they were working perfectly fine earlier, so you assumed they were probably just malfunctioning. “Are the air conditioners going through a malfunction or something?” he voiced out your thoughts for you as he practically asked himself the question with the way it came out as a whisper while he was looking around.

You took your cardigan off, and only then did you notice the stark contrast between your choices of outfits. You were clad in a pink knitted cardigan your mother made by her own hands—she gave it to you as a present for Christmas a while ago, and underneath it was a white camisole top decorated with lace and a pink ribbon on its center—something you added yourself. You wore a long, white ruffled skirt, a piece of clothing you bought online two years ago when you and your online best friend agreed upon buying it together to wear it the moment you’ll finally get the chance to meet up. You stopped talking to each other a year ago, so you just started to wear it to your own liking. You chose to wear the pink doll shoes you found at a thrift store a week ago, and the cherry on top was the white ribbon hair clips you placed on either side of your hair.

“They were doing just fine when I first came in, so I guess it has something to do with technical issues.” You shrugged, and the man mirrored your actions yet again as he proceeded to fully take off his leather jacket as well.

Just as he parted his lips to say something, your phone suddenly rang, making both of you look at the device you didn’t even notice you were still holding in your hands until now. Staring right into your eyes was your roommate’s caller id on the phone screen, and for a second, you were debating whether to answer or not.

You decided to ignore the latter, figuring the call was made regarding the book. You apologetically smiled at the man first, gesturing to your phone as he returned your smile, urging you to go ahead as he mouths something about checking out other sections of the book store so you could have some privacy.

Once he was out of the frame, you didn’t hesitate to press the green button, bringing the phone up to your ears. “Before I proceed to say anything, I need you to answer a question of mine first. Do you think you’re capable of committing murder today?” She asked from the other end of the line, making your brows furrow as you scoffed in both confusion and disbelief at the sudden confusion. “Am I what?”

“Please just say yes or no,” she said in a hurried tone. “No... why? Did something bad happen over there?” She chuckled nervously as you heard the shuffling of bedsheets, assuming she was either rolling around her bed or sitting up.

“No, but... you see, about the book I asked for you to buy... remember that guy from my linguistics class I told you about last weekend?” You were confused about where the conversation was heading, yet hummed in confirmation anyway. “I do. What about him?”

“Okay, so, thanks to my... connections, I found out just now that he owns an annotated physical copy of the book, and, if you’re already catching my drift...” she trailed off, yet the moment she heard your sigh from your end, she was quick to regain composure and stumble over her words.

“I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! I wouldn’t have sneaked the task in between your schedule if I had known beforehand—I just really don’t want to waste the opportunity of a potential connection between us... and, I mean, well, yeah, I should’ve done it by myself to begin with, but I wasn’t really thinking straight earlier in the morning so I—” you cut her off by ending the call, heading straight to your messages as you scrolled down to look for her contact number.

The sound of your nails clicking on the phone screen echoed across the empty aisle as you typed, “Go shoot your shot. Don’t stress it out, alright? Just make sure this won’t happen again. Love you :)” With a sigh, you turned your phone off and put it back inside your bag. You were happy for your roommate, yet at the same time, you couldn’t help but feel like you just wasted a portion of your day.

Exiting the aisle, your thoughts went back to the man you were just engaging in small talk with a few minutes ago, eyes darting around the bookstore to search for him. You didn’t see which direction he went when he left, already having your back turned against him the moment you heard his fading footsteps.

The man sitting by the register who seemed to be around the same age as you noticed you and was quick to call for your attention. “Are you looking for the redhead, miss?” And for a second, you were slightly embarrassed, but it was the truth, anyway, so you found yourself nodding wordlessly. “He already left a minute ago.”

Hearing those words come out of his mouth, you almost let a disappointed sigh slip out of your lips, but you were quick to cover it up. “I see. Thanks for telling me,” you said, flashing him a polite smile as he gave you his own.

Figuring there was no longer any purpose for you to stay inside the bookstore any longer, you headed to the exist, the clinking of the bells on top of the doors ringing in your ears as you swung it open, putting your cardigan back on when the cold temperature of the city hit your skin like a speeding truck. Only then did you realize you didn’t even get to ask for his name, and since then, he hadn’t left your mind for the rest of the day.

The next time wasn’t any different. You were taking a stroll at the park for a much-needed unwinding after taking your exams. Kids were running around and chasing each other by the grassy fields, couples were being all cute and cuddly as they sat by the benches, and some elderly people were walking around much like how you were, admiring the beautiful sceneries unfolding in front of their very own eyes.

Your pink dress was being carried away by the soft breeze, making it flow as you took one step after another. Thankfully, you chose to wear a long dress for the day, so you didn’t have to worry about any potential wardrobe malfunctions.

From a near distance, you saw a little boy standing by the grass fields pointing towards you. His voice was a little loud, so you managed to hear what he was saying to the two men he was with. “Wooyoung-hyung, look! A princess!”

The little boy’s comment caught you off guard, making you look the other way as you pretended not to hear the words he was saying, which were hard to ignore due to how loud he was speaking. “Kyungmin, she’s not a princess, and you can’t just point to strangers like that!”

The man who you assumed to be his older brother lightly scolded him, and for a second, you were debating between playing along with the child’s wide imagination—it wasn’t his fault for thinking you were a princess as he was still young, after all, or fleeing from the park so his attention would be directed to something else so his brother would stop scolding him. “But she is a princess! Seonghwa-hyung, you see it too, right?” The other man with them was probably a friend of the little boy’s brother.

“Well, Kyungmin, she might look like one, but she isn’t—” the man you assumed to be Seonghwa stopped in between his words all of a sudden, and the next thing you knew was the little boy was standing right in front of you, tugging on your dress that was still flowing due to the wind.

“Kyungmin!” Both men yelled his name in unison, but he ignored them, his attention fully focused on you instead. “Miss pretty lady! You’re a princess, right? Right?” He looked up at you with a smile, and once again, you found yourself ignoring the latter between your choices of how to handle the situation.

You sat down so you could see each other eye to eye, a fond smile spreading across your face as you let out a soft laugh. “You think I’m a princess?” You tilted your head, making him let out a gasp of disbelief. “But you are! Wooyoung-hyung and Seonghwa-hyung won’t believe me, but I know you are! Right?” he asked for confirmation again, making you laugh once more as you rested your hands on the area of your chest where your heart was.

“Well… I think it depends on what you want to believe. I won’t tell you whether I’m a princess or not, but if you think I am, then so be it. What you believe in is what matters the most, and not what anyone else does, don’t you think?”

You figured talking some wisdom into a boy who’s probably still in kindergarten wasn’t exactly the best way to handle the situation, but it’s not like you knew better ways. Seeing his smile grow even wider after hearing your words, though, was enough to let you know you handled it just fine. “So you are a princess! I knew it!” Okay, well, that was definitely not the reaction you were going for, but at least he’s happy, right?

“You should tell them that, too!” He pointed to where his brother and his friend stood, but this time, there were three of them, and the one standing in the middle was definitely not an unfamiliar face to you contrary to the two who stood by his side. You certainly couldn’t have been mistaken—especially not when you saw his burgundy hair.

Your eyes met briefly, yours widened and his completely normal, save for the fond gaze you assumed was probably directed to the little boy in front of you. He probably didn’t even recognize you at all. “Come with me, miss pretty lady! You should meet them so they’ll be proven wrong,” he said, reaching for your arm as he took a step towards where the three men stood.

When you didn’t budge from where you crouched at all, he looked back at you with a confused expression on his face. “What’s the matter, miss pretty lady?”

You chuckled awkwardly as you stood up, looking down at him. “They’re waiting for you, not me. Go on now, don’t keep them waiting. I’m sure you’ve proven them wrong already, anyway,” you said, using your free hand to take his off your wrist. “Are you sure? I…”

“Kyungmin!” His older brother called out his name once more, making his head turn to where they were all standing, patiently waiting for the little boy to go back to them. “See? You should go.” You ushered, making him look back and forth between you and his brother and his friends for about a few seconds.

“Well… okay, then.” The frown on his face was a huge contrast to the huge smile he once had a few seconds ago, and you were quick to do whatever you could to bring it back.

“Hey, don’t be sad, alright? It’s always better to spend days like this with a smile on your face,” you said, smiling at him fondly. “Will I get to see you again?” The sudden question put you at a loss for words, and you spent a good couple of seconds thinking of how to respond correctly.

“Neither of us know the answer to that, but if you ever see me again, I promise I’ll let you introduce me to your brother and his friends, okay?” It was definitely not the right thing to say, but it was certainly what the boy wanted to hear.

With the smile on his face returning, he waved at you enthusiastically, running back to the three men who have been waiting for him for quite a while now. He approached them with a cheerful expression on his face, and you watched them slowly start to smile as well while the little boy told them about his interaction with you.

Unbeknownst to you, your attention was unconsciously directed towards the burgundy haired man who was now exchanging laughter with his friends while the little boy was still going on about his story. This time, he was wearing a see-through black jacket with a beige compression long-sleeve shirt underneath, partnered with baggy denim jeans that were secured by a black belt with embellishments. His ears had less piercings this time, and so were the amount of necklaces he wore. His boots were the same as the ones you saw him wear when you first met him, and his fingers were still adorned with multiple accessories. You could tell he opted for a casual look today, yet he still looked as cool as ever. Perhaps it was due to the vibe he carries with him, and not just his choices of clothing itself. There’s still a huge contrast between your outfits.

The little boy didn’t mention his name when he was talking to you earlier, and that was the only thing you were disappointed about with your heartwarming interaction with him. You’d probably look strange if you were to approach them, yet it proved to be impossible either way as they now had their backs faced towards you, walking away as they continued their conversation. Luck really hasn’t been on your side lately. You wonder when it will be.

Three weeks later, and you’re now walking through the halls in search of your roommate. Thirty minutes ago, she sent you a message, telling you to meet her on the third floor. She didn’t really tell you why, and it drove you off the edge more than it should’ve—one thing you’ve always disliked was when people would ask you to meet up for an unspecified reason, or even worse, message you by texting you only your name and your name alone without telling you what’s the matter beforehand. So now, here you were, eyes searching the halls in hopes of finding a familiar face.

“Hey!” A familiar voice called out a few steps behind where you stood, making you immediately look back. Sighing in relief as you recognized who it was, your roommate made her way towards you, pushing past the small portion of people crowding the halls. “Sorry for asking to meet up all of a sudden—I know you hate it when I do this, but I promise this is the last time!” So was last week, you said in your thoughts.

“What’s this about, anyway? And it better not be about your crush from your linguistics class because I swear—” She cuts you off with an apologetic chuckle, making you sigh in disappointment. “Nope, I’m not doing it.”

Just as you were about to walk away, she held your arm to keep you steady in your place, desperately pleading as she shook your arm repeatedly. “Please, please just hear me out! I promise I’ll leave you alone after this!” No way in hell you would, you thought once again.

Still, you chose to hear her out anyway. Sure, she may be annoying at times—especially when it comes to her undying crush on the boy from her linguistics class, but you can’t really deny the fact that you hold a soft spot for her deep within. When it wasn’t about her man who technically isn’t her man but you’re sure will be her man one day, she was really fun to be around. She was loud and outgoing, a huge contrast to your calm and collected personality, and as different as you both may be, you feel the most comfortable around her compared to anyone and everyone else. Whenever she’d notice you were feeling down, she wouldn’t hesitate to speedrun to the nearest convenience store by where you both lived, buy you your favorite food even during the times her pockets are begging for her to leave them alone for once, and put on your favorite movie once she comes back.

So then, you now find yourself heading towards the library to look for yet another book her crush has apparently been frequently visiting the library for lately. You figured you should hire whoever’s airing all this information to her as your detective one day, if it ever came to it.

Apparently, the book is a tale as old as time, so he couldn’t really find a copy of it anywhere, hence why he chooses to visit the library on a daily basis to read it. Your roommate thought sharing the same interests with him would be a great way to deepen her “connection” with him—if they even had one to begin with, considering how the only bridge between both of them was the annotated book she borrowed from him—which she still hasn’t returned—and that was pretty much all of it. She claims she’s too shy to approach him, and maybe that’s why.

You found yourself standing in between two tall bookshelves once again, the situation being somewhat familiar to you in a way that almost made you laugh. This time, though, the air conditioners were working just fine, and you weren’t accompanied by a presence other than your own.

Your eyes search through the books neatly stacked in the shelves, squinting and inching closer to get a better view in case you accidentally miss the book you’re looking for. There was a blank space in between two books, and for a moment, you assume the book had already been borrowed by your roommate’s crush, or maybe someone else.

You were about to message your roommate to tell her about it, until you heard some shuffling from the other side of the shelf you were facing, drawing a confused expression on your face. You heard from one of your colleagues that the librarian was way too strict for everyone’s liking, so students would mostly stop by the library just to borrow a book, but never to actually stay.

Which student was brave enough to actually stop by the library to read? Wouldn’t they be at least a little scared to be yelled at to shut up over the smallest of things such as breathing like how a normally functioning person should?

Peeking through the empty space in between the books to see who it was, your eyes widened comically as you recognized the person solely from their hands resting on the table alone. The sight of a singularly colored nail and layers of rings and bracelets couldn’t have been more familiar to you.

But what was he doing here? His hair was half blonde and half black, though, so you were contemplating whether your assumptions about his identity were correct or not, but you knew there was only one way to find out—and it certainly wasn’t peeking through a bookshelf like a creep.

Exiting the aisle—a familiar experience once again, you slowly walked towards the table while rethinking your life decisions, wondering if you should just leave him alone and mind your own business. You were on the brink of considering it, but it wasn’t until you recognized what he was reading.

It was the book your roommate asked you to borrow from the library, and it was certainly the one meant to be placed in the blank space by the aisle you were searching through just now.

Your mind was racing with questions pleading to be answered—the first ones being, Who the hell is this man? Why do I keep seeing him around? Why did no one ever tell me he goes to the same university as I do? And what is his name?

You figured there couldn’t have been a better time for your questions to be answered other than now, and even if you were gambling with the possibilities of him either recognizing you or not feeling any sense of familiarity with you at all, you couldn’t really care less right now.

“Hey,” you were hesitant, making your voice come off as soft and barely above a whisper—and it certainly wasn’t due to your fear of being scolded by the librarian. The man shot up and immediately turned his head around, and as he stared at you with those eyes of his, you knew your assumptions regarding his identity were correct, after all.

For about a second or two, all he did was stare at you with a blank expression on his face, and you swore you were about to let the ground swallow you whole right there and then. But for the next second, his face softens as he flashes you a toothy grin, and the words that soon followed after it caught you completely off guard. “It’s you.” It’s you?

What on Earth could he have possibly meant by that? Does that mean he recognized you when his friend’s little brother was talking to you within a fair distance from where he and his friends stood by the park, after all? Does that mean he remembers? “I was starting to think I’d stop seeing you around. Turns out we’re closer than I thought we would be.” Okay, what?

“What?” You voice out your thoughts by accident, tilting your head in confusion as all he did in return was smile at you once more. “Third time’s the charm, after all, isn’t it?” He closes the book laid out in front of him on the table, pulling out the chair beside him, tapping on it as he gestured for you to take a seat.

You do so wordlessly, awkwardly fiddling with a loose stitch of your white knitted sweater adorned with baby pink strawberry patterns. How come you’ve never seen him around? With a face as strikingly beautiful as his, you’re sure you would’ve already noticed him long ago—or maybe you were just looking at the wrong places all along.

“He still thinks you’re a princess, you know.” He rests his elbow on the table, placing his chin on his hand as he looks at you with a smile. “Who?”

“Kyungmin—the little boy from the park, remember?” That was all it took for you to put two and two together and realize what he was talking about, making you let out a hum of realization, nodding soon after. “He hasn’t stopped talking to us about it, especially Wooyoung, since he’s his older brother and he’s pretty much the only one out of all of us who keeps on breaking his little bubble of imagination.”

The conversation flowed through more smoothly than you expected a few seconds ago, and the next thing you knew was you were stifling a chuckle, careful not to drive the librarian mad—actually, was she even still around right now? He was practically speaking in a normal tone and not in hushed whispers, so he should’ve been told off by now already. But he isn’t.

“It was a little hard trying to convince him to go back to you and your friends, honestly…” you said, rubbing the back of your neck as he chuckled at your response.

“Kids and their imaginations never fail to impress me. You know, when we went to the park again last night, he kept crying because he couldn’t see you anywhere. He said you promised you’d let him introduce you to us once you both meet each other again, so he was really upset. It was adorable, though.”

You found yourself smiling as you imagined the little boy crying in the arms of his brother due to not seeing you around, this time being the one chuckling.

“I didn’t mean to leave him hanging off by my words… I hope it wasn’t too much for your friend to handle his tantrums,” you said, smiling apologetically. He waves his arms off in front of his chest—another action appearing to be somehow familiar to you. “Don’t feel bad about it. Pretty sure Wooyoung’s used to it by now,” he responded, shrugging afterwards. He was right, the boy was his friend’s younger brother, after all.

Finding both yourselves at a loss for another topic to discuss, you opted for the first thing that came up in your head. “You changed your hair color,” you stated the obvious, rushing over to make a follow-up statement in order not to look stupid, “it suits you.”

But only after voicing it out did you realize that perhaps maybe leaving your first statement as it is would’ve been a better option. Unbeknownst to you, heat immediately flushed through his cheeks, but he was quick to cover it up, making you fail to notice the way your words made his breath hitch for a slight second. “You think so?”

“W-Well, yeah. Burgundy looked just as great, though.” It was a huge lie, though. Sure, burgundy looked good on him and suited his style pretty well, but a split-dyed hair look is always a hit or miss.

For him to make it look this good, though, definitely proved to you that it’s a hit—a rare one. Even so, you were just glad you managed to save yourself from embarrassment, playing off the fact that you literally just complimented a stranger.

But with the way you’ve been thinking of him ever since you first touched each other’s hands by accident at the bookstore, was he really still a mere stranger to you at this point?

He found himself smiling at your comment, fiddling with the rings on his fingers like how you were doing with your sweater just a while ago. “Thanks, I definitely needed to hear that.” With his response, you looked at him in confusion, subtly asking for context. He was quick to catch on, bracing himself for a little bit of a story time.

“My roommates have been flaming me ever since I came home with the red dye all gone, asking me if my hairstylist ran out of bleach in the middle of the process. They’ve been teasing me about how my scalp is probably begging to be freed by the shackles of my stylist at this point, too.” You then ended up thinking about it as well. Just how many times has this man changed his hair color by now?

“Wanna take a guess?” You didn’t need further explanation from him in order to know what he was talking about, as you’ve already been pondering about it anyway.

“I’ll say… five times, maybe?” If the correct answer was to go way past that, you think you’ll end up having the same thoughts as his roommates by the end of the day. “I hate to be the bearer of the bad news, but the answer’s very far from that.” Oh.

Seeing the flabbergasted expression on your face, he laughed loudly, and only then were your suspicions about the librarian no longer being around confirmed. If she was, he’d be thrown out the window by now. “Surprising, isn’t it? I don’t know how my scalp is still holding out well until now, either.” He shrugged, and about a couple of seconds after, you ended up joining him on his fit of laughter as well.

“I gotta say, though, that’s really impressive. Anyone else would be bald by now,” you said, making him laugh once more with how you voiced out your thoughts in such a serious tone. His laughter died down after a little while, eyes now staring right into yours. “What brings you here, though?” He finally brought it up, making you wordlessly point to the closed book in front of where he sat by the table.

“Take a guess. It’s not any different from last time,” you said, and he was quick to piece your words together. “Your roommate?” You nodded, mimicking his actions as you rested your chin on your hands like how he did earlier.

Right now, he was lazily slouched on the chair, one arm of his placed on the table as the other was resting on his thigh. He seemed to be comfortable. Only then did you manage to look at him completely from head to toe.

The contrast between your choices of clothing remained the same as ever, so you weren’t really surprised at this point. For you, beneath your white knitted sweater was a pink lace camisole top, paired with a short, pink frilly skirt. Along with your pink doll shoes—one that was different from what you wore when you went to the bookstore a while ago, was a pair of knee-length lace socks with pink ribbons resting atop its garter. And lastly, for your hairstyle, you decided to go for a simpler look today, with half of it tied up and adorned with a large pink ribbon hair clip.

For him, you noticed he looked simpler than how he’d usually style himself. But then again, you’ve only ever seen him twice before today, so you were not one to talk. He wore an oversized black shirt with a simple red graphic design in front, and it was tucked in his black denim cargo jeans that were held up by an equally simple black belt, partnered up with glossy black boots that were shining every time he’d move his feet around due to the lights by the roof of the library reflecting on its shiny surface. He was only wearing one necklace today, but as always, his hands were clad in multiple accessories. A cap, which you assumed he was probably wearing earlier before you found him, remained sat on his lap. When he ran his right hand through his hair, the sleeve of his oversized shirt went down a little, giving you the chance to catch a glimpse of his tattoo that says, “NO 1 LIKE ME.”

Once again, you failed to see the corners of his lips twitching upward when he noticed your eyes raking over his form, eyes twinkling in amusement. You’ve only seen each other thrice, but for each time that you did, something that would never overlook his attention was the way you’d always examine his clothing. It was cute, though. And it’s not like he doesn’t do the exact same thing every time as well, anyway.

His smirk disappeared as quick as the speed of light the moment your eyes met his, making you avert your gaze immediately. It’s not like you were uncomfortable, but rather because his eyes just hold such an intense aura within them that never fails to make you feel intimidated—in a good way, you assume.

“You know,” you began to speak, although still refusing to meet his eyes, “I still don’t know what your name is, and we’ve crossed paths three times already…” Due to the lack of a response from him, you were quick to assume you were probably overstepping a few lines.

What if he doesn’t really want your connection with each other to go way past two people who coincidentally see each other in the most random circumstances and places? What if he liked things better this way—you not knowing his name, and him not knowing yours?

But your thoughts dissolved into nothingness the moment he finally spoke up, his voice a little softer than you could recall as he says, “Kim Hongjoong.” Of course his name is just as beautiful as he is. Were you really surprised at this point?

“Kim Hongjoong,” you let his name roll off your tongue, and something you failed to notice yet again due to how you were still refusing to face him was the way his breath hitched—again. “What about you?”

He was quick to come up with a question to ask in order to keep his composure, head tilting ever so slightly, secretly anticipating for you to turn your head towards him again. And it seems luck chose to be on his side today, with the way you did exactly what he wished for you to.

“Me?” You asked, and he nodded. “Yeah, you.” You were hesitant at first—once you and Hongjoong finally exchange your names with each other, there’s no guarantee of which direction your affiliation with him would lead to.

Sure, you may have been overanalyzing things a little—maybe he’s just asking for your name with the hopes of being friends, but even so, you couldn’t help but wonder where you were both headed, because even if you were only a potential friend to him, he certainly wasn’t one for you.

You knew the risks of dating way before you even first entered college two years ago. If anyone were to wish for a relationship, the best periods of time to do so would either be in high school or adulthood. High school’s for the cheesy moments, the sneakily exchanged glances during class, the chasing each other by the fields, the heartfelt confessions during prom night. You’d break up with each other over something childish yet would be serious if you were to be at the age of a high school student, and you’d forget all about it the moment you step into your college life.

Getting into a relationship once you have grown into an adult would be the best option out of all, because as we grow older, we learn more things about life each day. Relationships during high school are ruined pretty easily usually because of how both parties aren’t emotionally mature enough to handle conflicts, and such an occurrence can be easily avoided if you’re both functioning adults with a better perspective on most things in life. It’d certainly be more mature compared to the aforementioned.

But relationships during college aren’t exactly the brightest of all. College students are around the ages where all you’d ever want is to mess around and have fun no matter the cost knowing you’ll barely ever get the chance to do so once you step into adulthood. So, with that being said, relationships being taken seriously by college students isn’t really a common occurrence. They live to fuck around and find out, and that’s all that’s there to it. You’ve seen girls getting their hearts shattered left and right by stupid men who seem to only think with their hormones, and you know how bad it gets.

From struggling to balance their studies and relationships to completely losing focus on their goals because apparently a conventionally attractive yet emotionally unintelligent man is worth crying over more than great examination results were, all you know about college relationships is that it either plays out surprisingly well and lasts long, or it could initiate the beginning of your downfall for years on end. You swore you’d never try it out, afraid to end up being part of the latter.

But as hard as relationships during college seem, resisting your undeniable attraction towards the man sitting in front of you also proved to be just as difficult with the way all you could think about at the very moment was how those soft hands of his clicking on the table while patiently awaiting your response would feel against your skin. It wasn’t much of a surprise for you, anyway—you knew you were doomed the moment your eyes first met his in an empty aisle and you ended up staring at him longer than you should’ve.

You knew there was no point in considering the pros and cons of deepening your connection with someone who wasn’t meant to play a role of just a friend and nothing more in your life—and might I add, someone you’re heavily crushing on yet would rather jump off a cliff than admit it to yourself and accept the terms, knowing even if he asked for your name that day at the park or that one time in the bookstore, you would’ve given him what he wanted with zero hesitation anyway.

And so you do.

He proceeded to mirror your actions from earlier, rolling your name out of his tongue—and you swear your name hasn’t sounded so beautiful until now. “That’s a beautiful name you’ve got,” he starts, and when you finally gained enough courage to turn your head to the side and meet his eyes, you were met with that toothy grin of his you didn’t seem to be able to get enough of, “it suits you pretty well.”

“Oh, I—” You weren’t sure whether to be thankful for your friend for saving you from embarrassing yourself over not knowing how to react to Hongjoong’s unprovoked compliment, or to completely loathe her for cutting in between your conversation with him once again.

You’ve been getting deja vu over the parallels between everything that’s been happening right now that has already happened before although under a different situation way too often it’s actually starting to make your head hurt.

The loud ringing of your phone echoed around the empty library, and once again, you found yourself contemplating between pressing the green button or the red one. But not this time, no. You figured she’s probably calling to ask you whether you’ve borrowed the old book from the library yet, and that’s a question you were capable of answering either through text or personally, so you clicked on the red button, hearing Hongjoong let out a confused hum. “Why’d you decline?”

Because I’m feeling selfish right now and couldn’t care less about my roommate and her linguistics crush, especially not when you’re sitting right in front of me looking so breathtakingly beautiful like you’re an angel from an art museum that came to life and escaped to taste the wonders of life, was what was begging to escape from the pit of your mouth, “It’s probably about the book, so I’ll just talk to her in person later,” was all that came out.

And with the way he looked at you as if he was waiting for you to say something else, you knew he knew of your thoughts. Thankfully, he was kind enough not to bring it up. Or he probably didn’t notice at all. Truth be told, you’re hoping the latter was the case.

“What’s up with your roommate and books, anyway?” He asked curiously, although you could tell there was a hint of playfulness with the way he spoke. “You mean what’s up with her crush from her linguistics class and books?” You shrugged, holding back your laughter when you noticed his eyebrows shoot upward ever so slightly with his mouth agape.

“Oh. So that’s what it’s about, huh?” You let out an exasperated sigh, faking a frustrated expression as you responded, “Unfortunately so.”

Classes had already ended a few minutes ago, but students were still allowed to stay in the library afterwards—at first, you thought the implemented policy was stupid at first, seeing how literally no one ever visits the library, but now, you find yourself being grateful for it.

You both sat beside each other as silence surrounded both of you, but it wasn’t the kind of silence that would drive you on the edge and make you hurriedly think of what you should do or say in order to dissipate the looming tension, no. The silence between you and Hongjoong was comfortable. He wasn’t demanding you to speak, and neither were you. But just as the silence was starting to grow deeper, you were drowning in an ocean of your own thoughts again—specifically, thoughts about Hongjoong.

You weren’t sure when it happened or if you were the one who moved or if it was him, but the distance between both of you was now smaller than how it was a few minutes ago—you were sitting so close beside each other you’d occasionally feel the fabric of his jeans brush against your thigh whenever either of you would move. Since he was now closer, the scent of his cedarwood perfume engulfed you completely. You thought it made perfect sense for someone like him to favor such a scent—it suits him pretty well.

Every now and then, you’d steal a few glances from your peripheral vision while he remains engrossed in his phone, chewing the inside of your cheek whenever you’d find yourself wondering what it would feel like to rest your head on those shoulders of his. You were wondering what it feels like to rest your head on those shoulders of his?

And since you’re way too focused on not making yourself too obvious, you, as usual, fail to notice him doing the exact same thing as well. He was scrolling on his phone, sure, but in reality, he wasn’t even reading any of the posts that were appearing on his feed, way too focused on the way your eyelashes would flutter so beautifully whenever you’d blink.

The awkward smile you gave him when you first met each other in the bookstore is an image he had taken a mental photograph of, the memory still lingering in the back of his head clearly. The first thing he noticed about you that day was the way almost all of the pieces of clothing you wore were adorned in ribbons, as it reminded him of himself, in a way.

But instead of ribbons, anyone could find more than a handful of silver chains attached to almost everything in his closet. You seemed to love wearing knitted sweaters and cardigans, much like how half of his wardrobe consisted of leather jackets in varying designs and colors, though most of them were black, just like how most of yours were pink. It’s amusing to him how you two were so similar yet so different all the same.

The day he went to the park with Wooyoung, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung’s little brother, Kyungmin, he wasn’t really any different from you. You’d never know of it much like the other way around, but even when he went to the park with the same purpose you had, he couldn’t get you off his mind. It was as if his mind was the shore, and you were the waves of the ocean constantly pushing forward after being pulled away by the tides.

So, when he came back to where Seonghwa and Wooyoung were after separating himself from them for a while to look for less crowded areas of the park they could go to, to say he was surprised to see you talking to Kyungmin would be nothing short of a huge understatement.

“What’s Kyungmin doing over there?” he asked Seonghwa and Wooyoung, to which one only laughed at while the other sighed. “He kept on insisting that the girl he’s talking to right now is a princess and wouldn’t let me hear the end of it when I told him she isn’t. Then he ran off, and the next thing we both knew was he’s already tugging on her dress.” Hongjoong’s gaze went back to you, who was now crouching to face Kyungmin eye to eye.

It wasn’t exactly like he could blame the little boy for thinking that way—you did look like a princess, especially with the beautiful dress you chose to wore that day, and not to mention, the natural look of your face he was sure people under the influence—and even those who aren’t—would mistaken as one that belongs to an angel gracing the Earth with her presence.

He couldn’t believe his very own eyes that day. When he left you by yourself when you had to answer a phone call in the bookstore, he was originally supposed to head back to the aisle you were at after checking out the other sections that seemed interesting enough to grab his attention, but just as he was about to, another one of his friends (a.k.a roommates) along with Seonghwa and Wooyoung, Mingi, messaged him, telling him to come home as soon as possible because Yunho burnt the kitchen while trying to remake a recipe he saw on his feed.

At first, he thought they were just messing around with him—a normal occurrence, at this point, but it wasn’t until Yeosang sent a video of the kitchen actually burning to their group chat. Hongjoong could no longer afford to go through all the five stages of grief looking for an apartment that would suffice for eight people, so he immediately left the bookstore and ran faster than the speed of light.

Just as he was about to cross the street the moment the lights for vehicles turned red, he started contemplating between quickly heading back to the bookstore just to bid you farewell or just heading straight to his apartment building. His phone vibrated once again, and his lockscreen was being flooded by notifications of his roommates spamming his DMs, most of them coming from Jongho and San. Only then did the answer become clear to him.

Fortunately, he was able to fix the fifth problem his roommates have created for the week on time, immediately proceeding to scold all of them, save for Seonghwa who just got home from buying groceries and was now cleaning up the kitchen. For a fleeting moment, his mind drifts back to you, making him scold the six men even more than he should’ve, not-so-slightly upset over the fact that they timed burning the kitchen perfectly right when Hongjoong was just about to head back to you and continue your conversation.

Later that night, they were messaging one another one by one privately, each of them all saying the same thing: “It wasn’t really that deep. What got him so riled up?” But not even Hongjoong himself knew the answer to the question he never knew they were thinking of.

He thought he wasn’t going to see you again, and it never failed to make him feel confused whenever he found himself being a little too disappointed over it. So, when he saw you again—talking to his friend’s little brother, if anything, he was at a loss for both words and thoughts. The moment Kyungmin pointed to where he, Wooyoung, and Seonghwa stood, your eyes met for a fleeting second, and with the way he saw your eyes widen ever so slightly, he felt a little too happy over you recognizing him, so he did the first thing he thought of—trying to look as unbothered as possible even though his heart was literally spinning around, begging to be freed.

He failed to realize how smiling at you would’ve been a better option until he saw the way the corners of your lips went downwards ever so slightly upon seeing the look on his face, and before he could even clear things up by waving at you or literally anything to make sure you know he knows you, your gaze was already back on Kyungmin, and by the looks of it, you didn’t seem like you wanted to look his way yet again. To be fair, neither would he.

And as usual, he still couldn’t get you off his mind that day—though this time, it was worse, especially with the realization over the fact that he could’ve walked up to you yet didn’t dawning over him. He was beyond frustrated, to say the least. So, so frustrated he couldn’t even sleep.

Figuring his emotions were way too all over the place for him to be able to fall into a deep slumber, he sat up with a groan, stumbling over with his steps as he went to the living room, finding Yunho sitting by himself on the couch while watching a film that seemed to be a coming of age romance movie.

“What are you all up and about for?” Hongjoong walked around the couch, sitting beside Yunho as the cushion underneath him sank. “I could ask you the same question, you know,” Yunho responded, not even sparing Hongjoong a glance, obviously way too focused on the movie playing on the television screen in front of him.

“Just frustrated over some things.” Hongjoong leaned against the couch, sighing as he initiated a staring contest with the ceiling. With this, Yunho was quick to reach for the remote, pausing the movie before shuffling around so he could face Hongjoong while sitting down. “What’s the matter?”

“Do you ever think about something so often it starts to make you feel frustrated?” His question had Yunho pondering for about a while, making him think about it thoroughly.

“Depends on what this “something” we’re talking about is. I’m pretty sure that would mean two different things, depending on whether it’s “something” or “someone,” so which one of the two is it?” Hongjoong was hoping Yunho wouldn’t bring it up, but oh well. If he’s screwed, then he’s screwed.

All he had to do was stare right into Yunho’s eyes, hoping he’d put two and two together—and luckily, he did. “Since when?” Yunho was surprised, given how Hongjoong isn’t exactly the type of person who’d let himself be bothered by such things. Still, he wanted Hongjoong to tell him all about it, thankful he trusts him enough to do so.

“I don’t know, honestly. We just met by coincidence in the bookstore a few blocks away about a few weeks ago, and I haven’t been able to go through a single day without my head being filled with thousands of thoughts ever since then.”

“By coincidence?” Yunho tilted his head, and Hongjoong was quick to rewind and tell him all about it. After Hongjoong was done telling him about how it started and how it’s going so far, Yunho found himself smiling, already knowing what was up with Hongjoong, while he himself was still left in the dark.

He resorted to convincing Hongjoong to get up and do all the work himself so he’d be the one to come to terms about his feelings first-hand. “You know, nothing’s gonna happen if you keep on refusing to make a move. You can’t just expect your paths to cross once again if you’ve been staying at the same spot for days on end.”

And that was when he messaged Wooyoung privately once he was back in his room, asking if he was free to hang out for the upcoming day and if he wouldn’t mind tagging Kyungmin along with him. You’ll never know he was the reason behind Kyungmin’s second visit to the park, and part of him thinks things will be better off that way.

However, both of you were going through your own predicaments unconsciously. Until now, you still don’t know why you’re thinking of resting your head on his shoulder, and in his case, he still doesn’t know why on Earth he actually debated between bidding you farewell or saving his apartment from its impending doom.

It didn’t help how you weren’t really one to open up to people, so you were left all alone trying to fix the tangled wires inside your head, unlike Hongjoong, who was blessed enough by the gods to have a friend like Yunho. Still, despite being provided moral support and advice, he wasn’t any less oblivious to his feelings than you were.

“What’s it like?” You asked all of a sudden, surprising both Hongjoong and yourself. Much to your surprise, though, Hongjoong let the blooming conversation flow freely as he said in response, “What do you mean?” You shrugged, fiddling with yet another loose stitch of your sweater—you figured you’d definitely have to fix it up once you get home later.

“You know… having a lot of roommates.” You weren’t sure why you were asking about his roommates when you could’ve asked a question about him instead, yet you were blissfully unaware of the fact that Hongjoong was more than happy to hear you ask about his roommates—his best friends.

“It’s fun on most days, yet it’s also very frustrating sometimes. Living with seven people doesn’t exactly sound like the best experience when you’re living in an apartment that can barely fit all of you—even more when more than half of us have proven themselves deserving to be banned from the kitchen.” You laughed at his words, his laughter soon following after, watching you attempting to wind down your voice with a toothy grin on his face. “Why’s that?” You managed to ask in between your stifled laughs.

“Remember when we first met?” How could you ever forget? “Yeah, what about it?” You tilted your head, wondering what your first encounter had to do with Hongjoong’s roommates burning their kitchen. “While you were on a phone call with someone, I was in the middle of checking out the other sections, but just as I was about to head back to where you were, they spammed our group chat with messages, each of them telling me to head back home as soon as possible. Wanna guess why?”

“Please don’t tell me someone actually set the kitchen on fire.” Hongjoong only laughed in response, shaking his head. “Unfortunately.” Your eyes widened slightly, scoffing in disbelief. “You’re lying, aren’t you?” This time, it was now Hongjoong’s turn to look at you in utter disbelief, making you think he was actually offended over you not believing his story for a split second.

“Don’t wanna believe me? Here,” he said, showing you the video waiting to be played on his phone screen as he gestured for you to press the button yourself. As the video started playing, a look of shock spread all over your face as you watched the fire get worse as the video progressed, hearing screams from people whom you could only assume were his roommates.

Someone draped a towel over the flames, hurriedly stepping back when his solution turned out to be an additional problem with the way the fire grew even more. “Mingi, are you fucking stupid?! Take that towel back!” to which the man named Mingi responded with, “No way in hell! San, you do it!” followed by another, “Don’t drag me into the consequences of your stupidity!”

You heard someone from the background yell Hongjoong’s name, and as the camera was turned towards where the sound came from, you were met with the sight of a man who you recognized as Wooyoung hiding behind someone who seemed to be way too calm considering the fact that the kitchen was literally being set on fire—he was even eating an apple, if anything. The video switched to the front camera, revealing a man who, this time, seemed to look too happy despite the fire unfolding right behind him, and he even had the guts to giggle and wave to the camera.

Needless to say, you were left speechless, and the video wasn’t even halfway finished yet. You pressed his screen to pause the video, being met with the sight of him contemplating whether to laugh over the memorable (strangely enough) moment or to let his grudges come crawling back at him.

Looking at the expression on his face, you couldn’t help but laugh, your voice echoing around the quiet halls of the library. “So that’s what living with seven people looks like…” With the way you spoke, Hongjoong was unsure whether you meant it in a good way or not—and if he were to be honest, that’s exactly what made your reaction even more amusing.

“That’s also why I wasn’t able to come back to the aisle after looking around. Sorry,” he apologized, sheepishly rubbing his nape. You were quicker than a millisecond to dismiss his apology, shaking your head as you reassured him that it’s fine and a while has passed ever since that day anyway so you don’t really mind anymore. You had that awkward smile on your face again, and Hongjoong had to put every fiber in him to use in order to hold himself back from just melting right there and then.

Suddenly, your phone rang yet again, cutting your conversation with Hongjoong short. Assuming it was your roommate calling you, you were about to decline the call, but it wasn’t until you read the contact number’s nickname and realized it was your mother calling you and not your roommate.

You were quick to tidy yourself and hung your pink crocheted crossbody bag over your shoulder, reaching for the book that was resting in front of Hongjoong by the table, retracting your hand for a split second when you realized you hadn’t even told him yet that the book your roommate wanted you to borrow from the library was the one he was reading before you approached him.

He looked up at you from his seat, tilting his head. “You need it?” he asked, making you nod. “If you don’t mind, of course, it’s just—” Hongjoong waved you off, gesturing for you to take it, swearing he doesn’t mind at all. Just as you reached for the book once more, his hand rested on its cover at the same time, pushing it towards your direction. It didn’t take you longer than a second to realize your hands were on top of his. Your phone has stopped ringing, and the sound has now been replaced with your thundering heartbeat.

You were the first one to break the contact, taking your hand off his. Too focused on trying to look calm—you have no idea why having composure seems to turn itself into an almost unattainable challenge whenever Hongjoong was around—you fail to notice the way a hint of disappointment flashed on his eyes with you taking your hand off so soon, and it disappeared as quick as it showed up when you reached for the book once more the moment his hand was no longer sitting atop of it.

“I, um, have to go,” you stumbled over your words as you shoved the book inside your bag, “I’ll… see you around?” You sounded way too hopeful for your liking, but before you could take your words back and replace it with something more neutral, Hongjoong beat you to it by grinning at you widely, nodding at your words. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll see you around.”

But he doesn’t, and neither do you.

Three weeks have passed, and the increasing amount of his library visits were starting to become more noticeable to the seven men Hongjoong shared his apartment with through every passing day. They all went to the same university, so they knew just how annoyingly cruel the campus librarian was, which made things even harder to piece together for them. Hongjoong had also spoken up once about how much he hates the librarian during one of their drinking games when he was under the influence, so his frequent visits at the library were really confusing—save for one person who had an idea what the reason behind it was.

“You’ve noticed it too, haven’t you?” Mingi tilted his head at San who sat across from him, enthusiastically munching on the desserts he ordered while taking a few sips of his coffee in between—clearly, he didn’t hear Mingi’s question. “You’ve noticed it, right?” Mingi repeated his question, this time a little louder in hopes of getting an answer from San. His attempt proved to be successful as San finally looked up at him with a confused expression on his face. “Noticed what?”

“Oh, you know. Hongjoong and his sudden library star user transition,” he shrugged, and San let out a hum of realization after being given context. “Yeah, I have. What about it, though?” Mingi scoffed in disbelief, having a hunch that San was just playing dumb. “Come on, San. Don’t you think it’s strange? Because I do.” But the aforementioned man’s eyebrows only furrowed as he asked once again, “What is?”

“What isn’t strange about it? You know he hates the librarian just as much as we all do, right? Don’t you ever wonder what on Earth is he stopping by the library everyday for?” For a few seconds, the only thing San could do was stare at Mingi from across the table, mouth slightly agape as if he was trying to connect the dots inside his head. And then it clicks—finally. “Oh… Oh. I mean, now that you’ve mentioned it, it does seem a little weird.”

“Right? I asked Seonghwa last night if he knew anything about it, but he told me Hongjoong hasn’t brought up anything related to the library to him so far. I mean, sure, yeah, Hongjoong likes to read, so normally, it would make sense for him to visit the library every now and then—but everyday? Is he reading a compilation of the terms and conditions of every existing app?”

“You may be overanalyzing a little, don’t you think?” A familiar voice spoke up from behind San’s seat at the cafe, making him turn his head around as Mingi only had a smile on his face, already having seen the man enter the cafe before he even approached the two of them. “You know you can visit the library for more than one reason, right?” He gestured for San to move aside, opting to sit beside him as both of them were now facing Mingi, who sat on the opposite side of the table.

“And what would those other reasons be?” Both Mingi and San asked in unison. “I don’t know, maybe the usual things that happen when you’re a college student on the brink of graduation with an eye for attractive people?” Mingi’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Yunho, what the hell are you even talking about right now?”

Yunho rolled his eyes, leaning against the cushion of the sofa he sat on. “Think it through, Mingi. Hongjoong wouldn’t even dare to consider visiting the library everyday, had he not been developing feelings for a certain person he often sees there.” Both Mingi and San knew Hongjoong as someone who wasn’t quite fond of the idea of anything romantic, but it’s not like they knew what Yunho knew, anyway, so they resorted to laughing Yunho’s words off.

“You’re not onto something, Yunho,” Mingi began, and San continued his words, saying, “you’re on something.”

“Are you seriously accusing me of being high on a Saturday afternoon? Being high, if anything?” Yunho stared at the two men who were now proudly laughing over their joke in disbelief, frowning when he realized they didn’t even plan on taking his words with a grain of salt. “And are you seriously trying to get us to consider your idea of Hongjoong being hit by Cupid all of a sudden?”

“It’s not an idea, San. Just—would you just listen to at least a goddamn word I’ll be saying?” Yunho ran his hand through his hair, and only then did Mingi and San stop with their antics. Moments of Yunho being upset were extremely uncommon, and whenever it would happen, all of them would always fail to hear the end of it. “Alright, alright, I’m sorry. Where did your theory come from, anyway?”

“For the second time now, it’s not a theory. It’s a possibility loosely based on a conversation Hongjoong and I had a few weeks ago while you were all asleep.”

“So… a theory?”

“God, no!”

“It is, though.” San backed up Mingi, making him pat his back with a grateful expression on his face. “See? He gets me.” Yunho only responded by rolling his eyes, shaking his head in disbelief. “It doesn’t matter whether it’s a theory or not—just hear me out, please.” San could tell Yunho was growing tired of their shenanigans, so he was quick to lock in and get serious. “Shoot.”

“It was around three in the morning already, and I was in the living room watching a movie. Hongjoong suddenly came out of his room and sat beside me, and he asked me a question I wouldn’t have expected to come from him. He asked me if I’ve ever thought of something so often to the point where it drives me frustrated, and based on the look on his face that night, I assumed his answer would’ve been yes if I asked him the question instead and not the other way around. I told him it depends on whether it’s a “something” or a “someone,” and he gave me a look that non-verbally told me it was the latter in his case.”

“So, to sum it all up, he likes someone who visits the library often?” Mingi asked, and Yunho shook his head. “From the looks of it, I’m pretty sure he’s waiting for a certain someone to visit the library everyday.”

“Why the library, though? And why would he have to do it everyday? Doesn’t that sound a little creepy? Or maybe that’s just me, but, I mean, there’s no way you don’t find it weird at all, Yunho,” San said, wondering why on Earth would Hongjoong have to visit the library everyday just to see whoever his crush was.

Yunho sighed, “That’s not exactly the case, you know.” Both Mingi and San’s attention were completely hooked once again, both of them leaning forward on the sides of the table they sat on, eager to listen to what Yunho was about to tell them.

“What I’m thinking is that Hongjoong probably last saw his crush in the library, and that whoever that person is went out of town—but Hongjoong doesn’t know, hence why he keeps on visiting the library everyday in hopes of seeing his crush again.”

“That’s… oddly specific,” Mingi gave Yunho a skeptical gaze, whereas San remained drowning in his own thoughts. “The fact that your theory is actually highly likely to be correct is what scares me,” San said, finally speaking up after a few seconds of silence.

“It’s not a—”

“Yeah, yeah, not a theory! We get it!”

It’s been three months, at most. You wanted nothing more but to leave your hometown and head back to your apartment—you never liked the suffocating feeling the walls of your mother’s household would always give you. You’re starting to miss hearing your roommate’s loud snoring in the brink of dawn, too. You wonder how she’s holding up—it’s not really your thing to keep in touch with people while you’re away as it only makes you miss them even more, and this is something you fortunately remembered at the last minute to tell her before you left.

Your mother had contacted you that time you were hanging out with Hongjoong in the library to tell you to head back to your household as she and her garbage of a boyfriend had scheduled a three month vacation for themselves, leaving you the responsibility to watch over their house while they go out and enjoy their lives to its fullest. How pathetic.

You vividly remember feeling your heart ache with flames while you had to fight back your tears while packing your things—trying so hard to convince your roommate—who you assumed by that time was probably hanging out with the guy from her linguistics class—that you were fine when she was on the other line of the call while you were informing her about your sudden vacation, even though it was painfully obvious you weren’t by the way your voice kept on trembling with every word you spoke.

It didn’t help that all you could think of while spacing out while waiting for the train you took to arrive at its destination was the way Hongjoong’s eyes widened ever so slightly when you placed your hands atop of his by accident, as well as the way he’d flash you that toothy grin of his every single time you’d find yourselves staring into each other’s eyes.

No, it really didn’t help. Especially considering the fact that you don’t even know why the hell you were thinking of him when you were supposed to be upset because of your parents. It really, really didn’t help how thinking of him ended up painting a small smile on your face that was quick to disappear the moment you snapped back into reality.

Yet here you are now, mindlessly staring outside the window of your childhood bedroom, watching the sun slowly fall into a deep slumber as you wonder what Hongjoong could have possibly been doing by the other side of the world. Part of you regrets not taking the old book you borrowed from the library with you, but at the end of the day, you borrowed it to help your roommate forge a connection with her crush, and not with your own, for heaven’s sake. Wait, what?

And then it hits you—he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know you’re out of town and will continue to be for three more days. You wonder if he thinks of you as much as you do of him. You wonder if he’s out there, waiting for you. You wonder if he wonders what you’re doing right now as well. You wonder if he’s concerned about you.

“Oh, God, I can’t do this anymore,” you buried your face in your hands in frustration, sighing heavily as you parted your fingers to glance at your phone placed by your bedside table. Its screen, although pitch black, felt as if it was glaring directly at you, taunting you to take it and just say “screw it” and break your no-contact-during-vacation rule.

And you did, in fact, say, “Screw it.”

Quickly scrolling through your contacts, you wasted no time and immediately dialed your roommate’s number, the constant ringing of your phone echoing around the almost empty surroundings of your bedroom. Most of the things you left here before moving out have already been thrown out, it seems.

“Oh my God!” The screeching of your roommate from the other end of the line made you jolt in surprise, hissing as you felt your ears ring due to how loud her voice was. “Is this real?! I thought you said you wouldn’t call me until you’re back here! What happened?! Is something wrong?! Are you okay?! ARE YOU—”

“Calm down! Do you want me to go deaf or something?” Your voice was as calm as ever, a stark contrast to hers. “Did you really miss me that bad?” Chuckling, you await her response, which arrived faster than a millisecond.

“Did I miss you? Did I miss you? You have no idea how quiet it has been in here ever since you left! I have no one to annoy and it’s slowly driving me insane…” she let out an exasperated sigh, making you laugh. “I’ll be taking that as a yes, then.”

Your roommate clears her throat, going back to the topic at hand. “Seriously, though, why’d you suddenly decide to break your no-contact rule? Are you alright?” Concern was evident in her voice, and it almost made you tear up. You failed to realize just how much you missed her until now.

“I’m still breathing, that’s for sure,” you joked, laughing after hearing her groan as she said, “Now’s not the time for your jokes! Did something bad happen over there?”

“No, not really, but… well, you know, I’m not supposed to come back until Friday this week, but I really don’t think I can stay here for any longer. I’m all alone because my mother and her boyfriend are out on a vacation, and I haven’t had anyone to talk to for the past few months I’m not used to waking up because of my alarm and not because of your loud snoring, you know?”

Truthfully, you really did miss her. But even if you knew she was not the only reason behind you desperately wanting to leave your hometown, you figured you’d have to tell her all about it another time—just not now.

“I can’t tell whether you meant that as a compliment or an insult…” she sighed, making you erupt in a fit of laughter. Darkness was now starting to consume your surroundings, with the moon all up and about. Your bedside lamp is now the only source of light your bedroom has. “Do me a favor and take it as both?”

“Haha, yeah, real funny. I really hate you, you know.” You could tell from the tone of her voice alone that she was rolling her eyes, making you laugh once more—she seriously had to stop, or else you were certain you were gonna have to go to sleep with an aching stomach. “I don’t think you do, though…”

“You know me too well,” she sighed, faking an exhausted tone. “Is there anything you wanna tell me about? Like, you know, literally anything? I feel like all we’ve ever been talking about lately is mister linguistics class who is my man but is technically not my man but will, one day, become my man… come to think of it, I don’t think you’ve ever talked to me about any of your crushes—”

You could still hear her voice through the speaker of your phone, but the moment her words entered your ears, they were all muffled—you were, once again, adrift in a sea of your own thoughts. In a way, she was right about the part where you never talk to her about anything regarding your romantic affiliations—but that’s precisely because you don’t even have one in the first place, and you swore to yourself you’d keep things that way until you graduate.

But right now, as your thoughts drift back to Hongjoong yet again—something that seems to have been happening way too often for your liking at this point, you weren’t so sure anymore.

“—Oh, you do like someone!” Beaming happily, she squealed like a little child winning a plushie from a claw machine for the first time, pulling you back up to the surface of reality. Surprised, you stumbled over your words, “W-What?”

“You suddenly grew quiet when I started talking about relationships, you know.” I did?

“If I were to guess, I’d say there’s a certain someone who came to your mind the moment I mentioned the word “crush” and brought up how you’ve always been so secretive with your dating life.” You could visualize the teasing smile on her face as she spoke, and it made you feel flustered. She was right, but were you really going to tell her that?

“So, who is it? Can I make a few guesses? Promise me you’ll bring a basket of candies home for me if I get it right!” It wasn’t exactly like you were doubting her—it was more on the fact that you, yourself, weren’t even sure if you actually harbor feelings for the only person in your mind right now. If you were to think about it, wouldn’t it be too soon to say you do?

Maybe it was the way he seemed to have an eye meant for seeing everything around him as diamonds in the rough—an eye able to see the best even in those already proven to be the worst. Maybe it was the way he has no fear of expressing himself freely—maybe you just admired that trait of his and wished to have it as your own. Maybe it was the way he’s always eager to thoroughly get to know the details of everything he crosses paths with—the way he reread a book five times just to look for the foreshadowed parts may sound a little silly to be used as an example, but it serves its purpose.

You don’t really know much about him, except for the fact that he lives with seven people whom you could tell he adored so much, and that he liked to design his own clothes. So for a split second, you begin to debate whether you do like him or if you just admire him as a person.

But it wasn’t until you were reminded of the way you felt sparks ignite all over your veins when his fingers first brushed past yours that day in the bookstore, the way you stared at him a little longer than you should’ve when you saw him at the park, the way you had to hold yourself back from unconsciously leaning your head on his shoulder that day in the library—maybe the way you felt about Hongjoong was a whole book itself, and you’d also have to reread it a few times to catch everything you’ve overlooked in the long run.

You may not know him at all, but right now, one thing was crystal clear to you—you wanted to.

“Do you know the…” A little uncertain at first, you trailed off, not knowing whether you should continue or not. But then again, running away wouldn’t draw you any closer to your destination. “... Do you know anyone named Kim Hongjoong?”

Silence engulfed both of you for at least ten seconds at most, until it was broken by yet another squeal of hers. “Are you for real?! The Kim Hongjoong?! You like him?! Oh my God! Wait, now that I’m thinking about it, aren’t you two, like, polar opposites, at most?”

If only she knew.

“I guess…? Why?” You decided to play along with her for now, eager to hear what she has to say. “You two would totally be the cutest couple of the whole campus! I mean, come on, think about it! He’s a punk, and you do ballet! Well, technically, you don’t, but I trust you enough to rest assured you get the reference, so…”

“You think so?” Truth be told, you could perfectly visualize the message she was trying to deliver. Subconsciously, a smile soon began to creep up on your face over the thought of you and Hongjoong walking together, the stark contrast between your styles and the way you carried yourselves being heavily obvious.

“Oh, I know so! Wait, though—when, where, why, and how did this even start? I can’t believe you’re actually telling me about your dating life now!” She beamed, but you were quick to tone her down. “Now…? I don’t even have any experience within the dating field,” you said, bracing yourself from the scream that was yet to come from her.

“I’m sorry, what?!” Yeah, called it. “You heard it right. I wasn’t hiding anything from you—there were never any secrets to be hidden to begin with.”

“So Hongjoong is your first boyfriend—” “—I think we’re skipping a few chapters here,” you immediately cut her off, turning her assumptions down as fast as you could. “What do you mean?”

“Well… remember when you asked me to buy that one psychological thriller book from our local bookstore there?” You started, continuing after hearing a hum from the other line. “That was when I first met him. He was going to buy the same book as well, but we reached for it at the same time, and, I don’t know, we kinda… talked? And…”

You continued on, starting from when you first met him to when you last saw him. At this point, you could no longer even count the amount of times she had squealed over the phone.

“Wait, so you mean to tell me you didn’t even exchange contacts before you left the library? And he doesn’t know why you left?!” You could tell she was frustrated—and to be fair, so were you. “Well, if I did, we’d be talking to each other right now, wouldn’t we?” You sighed.

“So that means it’s been three months since you… wait, hold on… three months? Like, actually?” You have no idea why she was asking for confirmation all of a sudden, yet you let out a hum of approval anyway. “So that’s why he’s been… oh my God! If you don’t come back as soon as you can, I swear!”

“Huh? Why would I need to?”

“Hongjoong’s been visiting the library everyday for three months straight now! It’s, like, one of the many things our whole campus gossips about everyday! It all makes sense now…” What?

“What?”

“I’m telling you, you need to come back before it’s too late and he loses hope!” You couldn’t help but laugh at how she seemed to be more passionate about the topic at hand than you yourself, but in a way, she also had a point. There’s no guarantee he’d continue to wait for you until you’re finally allowed to leave your mother’s household.

And that was all you needed to hear for you to immediately hang up and rummage through the clothes you packed with you for your vacation—you could hardly even call it such, but whatever. You have no idea why you’re in such a rush, but for the first time ever, you opted for a casual look: a white shirt with an oversized pink hoodie with a half-done zipper on top of it, paired with shorts that weren’t even visible due to the hoodie’s length. You quickly slipped on a pair of white socks and wore your pink converse afterwards, having to re-do the shoelaces about three times due to messing it up over and over again because of how you were in such a rush.

You didn’t even have time to stand in front of your mirror to see what you looked like—your mind was set on coming back to you and your roommate’s apartment as soon as you could.

For a minute, you were stuck in a debate between following what you had to or what you wanted to. You knew for sure that dire consequences were to wait ahead of you if you were to follow the latter, but you could no longer find it in you to care. You had to follow your heart.

Sighing under your breath, you finally got yourself to twist the doorknob open, being met with the cold breeze of the night. Perhaps it wasn’t the best decision to wear shorts, but it’s too late to reconsider things now, is it? Quickly locking the door with your keys in hand, you wasted no time in sprinting to the nearest train station, not wanting to waste the chance that laid itself upon you.

“Mind explaining what’s been going on with you lately?” Seonghwa asked, hands on either side for support as he leaned against the kitchen counter, eyes boring directly into Hongjoong, who was standing across him, too busy spacing out that Seonghwa was certain he didn’t hear anything at all.

“What?” Hongjoong’s voice was a little slurred, and one could easily tell he lacks sleep. “I said, do you mind explaining what’s been going on with you lately?” Seonghwa enunciated his words so Hongjoong could hear him better, only for the said man to respond with a chuckle.

“You really gotta stop overanalyzing everything around you, Seonghwa.” Yet the aforementioned man wasn’t having any of it. He knew very well of Hongjoong’s tendencies to deny his own struggles—even to himself, always refusing to admit he’s going through something even though it’s already crystal clear. Of course, Seonghwa and the rest knew to respect his boundaries and not pry further, but the circles under Hongjoong’s eyes were starting to grow darker, and he just couldn’t sit back and do nothing.

“I’m not buying your excuses this time, Hongjoong. Clearly, you’re forcing yourself to go through something all alone again.” Seonghwa sighed, brows furrowed in concern as he took in Hongjoong’s appearance.

“What? Like it’s the first time I’ve ever done so?” Hongjoong chuckled, although it was easy for Seonghwa to tell he was forcing it upon himself. “You know you can’t keep everything to yourself forever, right? They’re all worried about you, and so am I. Look, you don’t have to tell me all the details, okay? Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“How on Earth am I supposed to feel when someone tells me ‘see you around’ but then they proceed to literally disappear right after those words come out of their mouth? Wouldn’t you be downing a dozen shots in one streak too?” From the way Hongjoong spoke, it was clear that he was beyond frustrated. His words came out slurred and raspy, and even Seonghwa himself was surprised he understood what Hongjoong said.

Brows furrowed in confusion, Seonghwa leaned forward from the counter, clearly not knowing what the hell Hongjoong was talking about. “Woah, woah, alright, calm down. Where’d all this even come from?”

“It’s been three months—three months, Seonghwa. Disappearing without a word is one thing, but not showing up for three months is just absurd, isn’t it?” Hongjoong groaned, running his hands through his hair. Still confused, Seonghwa attempted to ask for a little more context. “Who are you even talking about?”

“Her, Seonghwa. The girl whose name I could’ve gotten sooner, had those stupid goons not decided to burn our kitchen. The girl Kyungmin mistook for a princess.”

Oh.

Oh.

So it all makes sense now. It now makes sense that Hongjoong scolded the rest of them for almost burning their apartment way too harshly than he normally would have. It now makes sense why he caught Hongjoong staring at the girl from the park longer than any other person would have. It now makes sense that—does this mean what Seonghwa thinks it does?

Hongjoong likes someone? The Hongjoong, who swore he’d never allow himself to get into a relationship yet again after a bad falling out with one of his exes a few years ago? The Hongjoong, if anything?

“Can I take a wild guess and assume she’s the reason behind your daily library visits?” Seonghwa asked carefully, not wanting to hit a wounded spot by accident. Hongjoong only sighed, “I wish she wasn’t. Really, really wish she wasn’t.”

“Why? Do you like her?”

Does he like you?

At first, Hongjoong refused to accept the terms. He knew very well of his promise to himself not to fall for anyone again, tired of experiencing the same hardships that came along with it over and over again. He knew he shouldn’t be thinking of you as often as he does. He knew he shouldn’t be letting you affect him in the simplest ways possible.

Yet here he was now.

“I tried to stop myself, you know. I really did. But I just—I couldn’t. I didn’t have it in me to forget about her just like that, even if she’s been gone for three months straight now and I don’t even know where she is.” Seonghwa could tell Hongjoong meant every word he said. It was still mildly surprising, but the words came out of his mouth so smoothly it was enough to tell Seonghwa he was really being genuine.

“I know I look stupid waiting like a dog in the library everyday, hoping I’d be met with her awkward smile when I turn my head towards the door whenever I hear it open, but I just—I can’t, you know? I can’t stop. Not when the last words we spoke to each other was about seeing each other around. I can’t help but wonder if I messed up unknowingly, somehow.”

Seonghwa’s gaze softened, stepping forward to gently caress Hongjoong’s shoulder in a comforting way. “Why not go on a midnight stroll? I think you really need one right now. I’ll make sure they won’t burn the kitchen again this time, okay?”

“You really know how to make me feel better, don’t you?” Hongjoong chuckled, looking upwards to prevent his tears from falling down. “I’m gonna need you to remember the fact that we’ve known each other since we were kids. Of course I’ll know that,” Seonghwa sarcastically said, although a smile was plastered on his face.

At this point, you were certain your legs were about to give up before you could even reach your apartment. The train you took had a major malfunction in the long run, but you didn’t have it in you to wait for 30 minutes until the train would start working again, so you did the only thing you could—run. Okay, that was most likely not the correct solution, but it wasn’t like you had any other choice. You need to head home at least before 8:30AM tomorrow, since that’s usually when your mother would call you to ask how you, or rather, her house, is doing.

You stopped between your tracks to catch your breath, hands on your knees as your chest heaved with exhaustion. You decided to walk for at least a few minutes for now so you could regain enough energy to start running again later on, knowing there was absolutely no way you’d be able to keep on sprinting without passing out in the middle of it.

You were walking on an empty road, the dim lamp posts and the convenience stores from a distance being your only sources of light. As you were peacefully admiring your quiet surroundings, you spotted a coastline from a fair distance besides the road, only about a few steps away. As you drew closer to where the waves of the ocean met the sand, you saw a figure from afar sitting on a boulder all by themselves.

Except it wasn’t just a figure.

Your heart started racing, eyes widening in surprise as you focused your gaze on the person’s hair—you couldn’t have been mistaken. You know exactly who that split-dyed hair belongs to.

Before you even knew it, your feet had a life of its own, running towards where the figure was sitting even though your legs were literally about to give up after running for half an hour without stopping.

“Hongjoong?”

He turned around almost right after you called out his name, eyes all puffy and widened in surprise, blinking repeatedly as if he was trying to process the fact that you were standing right in front of him.

“It’s you.”

You no longer even cared if your actions were way too straightforward, immediately engulfing him in a warm, tight embrace as you buried your face in the crook of his neck. “Hongjoong—I’m sorry, I just…” Your voice came out as nothing but trembling whispers blending it with the midnight breeze.

For at least a few seconds, all he did was stand still, not an ounce of his body reacting to your touch. Afraid he might not have been comfortable with what you were doing, you were quick to take a step back, removing your face from his neck.

Yet just as you were about to release the grip you held around his body, he was quick to wrap his arms around yours, this time being the one to embrace you tightly. Hongjoong’s arms envelop you, holding you tightly against him. The warmth of his body, the gentle rise and fall of his breath—it’s an entirely new feeling, yet it felt soothing all the same, as if this was where you were always meant to be.

You let yourself let loose in his embrace, feeling the tension and worry of the past three months slowly melt away. You close your eyes, savoring the moment as you bury your face in his shoulder. The subtle scent of his cedarwood cologne that you missed so much mixed with the salty sea air lingers in your senses, making you feel grounded and safe.

His chin rests on top of your head, and you can feel him take a deep breath, almost as if he’s trying to breathe you in and reassure himself that you’re really there. His embrace feels secure and protective, as though he’s shielding you from the heavy burdens of the world weighing upon you.

You notice his hesitation in the way his hands pause on your back, almost unsure of how to hold you at first. But eventually, after being allowed a little more seconds to familiarize himself with the feeling of your body resting against his, he started rubbing your back in soothing circles, making you feel lightheaded—as if all of your worries have slipped away with just a single touch.

He removes his chin from the top of your head, making you stare into his eyes with a teary gaze as he does so to yours as well. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you about it beforehand, I…” you trailed off, words getting stuck in the middle of your throat after feeling Hongjoong cup your face with his hands, “... It all happened so fast, I… my mother needed me home right away, and I just couldn’t say no to her… I wish I could’ve told you beforehand, but she only told me why she needed me home when I was already there, so I couldn’t…”

Hongjoong’s gaze softens as he listens to your words. He gives you a small, understanding nod, but you can still see the hint of hurt in his eyes—his dark circles were so visible, even under the dim light of the moon. He pauses for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts, before speaking.

"I thought I might have done something wrong," he admits quietly, vulnerability evident with the way he spoke.. "I kept wondering if you were upset with me. It was... hard not knowing what happened.”

“When you left without a word, it felt like my world shifted,” Hongjoong begins. “We were in the library, and the last thing you said was you’ll see me around—but I didn't see you again. Not the next day, or the day after. I just kept going back, hoping you’d show up. It didn’t make sense—you were there, and then you were gone.”

“I started overthinking everything, replaying our conversations in my head. I wondered if I said something wrong or came on too strong, that maybe you didn’t want me to. I was scared that I might have scared you away somehow," he admits, and the way his voice trembled ever so slightly made your heart twist in pain.

“Hongjoong, I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to leave you wondering if you ever did something wrong—I didn’t like what happened just as much as you do. I just… it’s complicated…” Truth be told, it really was.

Still, Hongjoong nodded with a faint smile on his face, reassuring you that he understands.“I know it wasn’t intentional,” he said, caressing your face with his thumb. “The nights were the hardest. I’d lie awake wondering if you hated me or if I had done something to upset you.”

You reach up to caress his face with your hands as well, staring at him with eyes that hold a swirl of emotions. “God, no, it never had anything to do with you… I’m so sorry for disappearing like that," you say softly, your voice filled with a mixture of guilt and frustration. "I wish I could have told you what was happening, but my mother... she wasn’t easy to deal with.”

As you hold Hongjoong close, you sense there’s more he wants to share, but he seems to be holding back, seemingly at war with his own emotions. You give his hand a reassuring squeeze, encouraging him to express himself.

He lets out a heavy sigh, his expression a mix of longing and frustration. “I’ve been trying so hard to sort out how I feel about all of this,” he begins slowly. “I’ve been at war with my own thoughts ever since you left. Trying to keep my feelings under control, trying to convince myself it was just a worry for a friend. But it just… doesn’t add up.”

He pauses, running a hand through his hair, his gaze on a far distance. “Every day, I would tell myself I could keep it together, but I kept thinking about you so much, it was starting to drive me insane,” he admits, although a little hesitantly. “I tried to keep it down to just concern, but it wasn’t enough. My mind kept circling back to you, wondering where you were, if you were okay.”

His eyes meet yours again, making your breath hitch. “I’d go to the library every day, hoping to see you, hoping to hear your voice again. It was maddening, not knowing if you’d come back or if I’d lost you completely,” he sighs, as his grip on the skin of your waist becomes a little tighter. “I just couldn’t shake it off,” he continues, his voice quieting down.

“You were on my mind all the time, and the more I tried to ignore it, the more frustrated I became. I tried so hard to deny it, but...” he pauses, taking a deep breath, as if he’s steeling himself for what comes next.

“Oh, screw it all,” he finally mutters, as if giving in to his own feelings. “I love you, and I don’t think I can hold it back any longer.”

“You… What?” Your eyes widened in surprise, struggling to process Hongjoong’s words. Hongjoong only smiled at you in return, repeating his words, “I said I love you. I really, really do.”

“Hongjoong,” you begin softly, your voice carrying a hint of nervousness. Hearing his name slip out of your mouth sent his nerves going haywire—oh, how he missed the sound of it.

“When I had to leave so suddenly, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It was so difficult not being able to explain what happened or tell you how much you mean to me.” You pause, trying to find the right words.

“You know, I… I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone in until I graduated," you confess, your voice being a little softer than it already was. “So when I first started catching feelings for you, I was in complete denial. I didn’t know how to handle it.” You look away for a moment, feeling embarrassed.

“It was a war with myself, one I never expected to fight," you continued. “I told myself it was just a phase, just a fleeting crush. I even thought maybe I was imagining things or confusing friendship with something more.”

You let out a small, nervous laugh, trying to hide the depth of your feelings. “I even tried to tell myself that you were just a good friend, that I was misinterpreting my own emotions,” you admit. “But the more I tried to distance myself from my feelings, the harder it became. My heart kept betraying me, reminding me how much I looked forward to seeing you again, how your smile could light up my whole day.”

Your tone grows quieter as you share your struggle. “I kept thinking, ‘This can’t be happening. Not now. I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for anyone,’” you say, vividly remembering the battle with your own feelings you once faced. “But every time I thought of you, it became harder to deny it. My heart wouldn’t let me forget you, and it drove me insane. Eventually, I lost control, and…”

You take a deep breath, forcing yourself to face the reality of your feelings. “Now that I’m standing here with you, hearing you pour your heart out, I just… I can’t deny it anymore,” you admit. “I’ve fallen for you, Hongjoong, and I’m done pretending otherwise.”

And that was all it took for him to inch his face closer to yours, intertwining your lips with his. The kiss was nothing short of pent-up tension being released, and you could feel every part of your body being set aflame.

His hands wrap themselves around your waist, its grip on your skin tightening every now and then. Your hand traces his jawline, soon finding itself tangled in his hair while the other one balls the fabric of his shirt into your first, feeling yourself get even more lost in the moment with each passing second.

As the kiss intensifies, there’s a sense of exploration, as if both of you are savoring the taste and feel of each other’s lips for the first time. Hongjoong’s hands slide up your back, one hand finding the nape of your neck, his touch gentle yet firm as if he was using every single fiber within his body to hold himself back, sending a shiver down your spine.

You mirror his movements, one hand now resting on his shoulder while the other presses against his back, wanting to be as close as possible. The world around you fades away, leaving just the two of you lost in the moment.

As your lips finally part, you both find yourselves gazing into each other’s eyes as if both of you believe the other hung up the stars in the sky. “You know,” Hongjoong began to speak. “As grateful as I am that you’re back here with me now… I can’t help but wonder where on Earth you came from...”

“Can we please save that discussion for another time?”

🪞 — lividstar.

#౨ৎ﹒ノ﹒lividstar． #ateez #ateez fluff #ateez fic #hongjoong #hongjoong x reader #hongjoong fluff #seonghwa #yunho #yeosang #san #mingi #wooyoung #jongho #atz x reader #ateez x reader

[foodsies4me]

End of the Year Fic Recs!!!

thank you @echo-bleu for tagging me! <3

I adore this as a game because I love reccing fics (and really should do it more often because So. Much. Good.Fic). This is going to be all shadowhunters I'm afraid though because I am still very much in the shadowhunters brainrot stage and haven't read much of anything else. (Also, sorry to those I haven't left a comment for yet, I WILL, spoons have just been low this year...) Also, I'll try to keep it to one rec per author because there are so many wonderful authors, but definitely go check the other fics of these people (if you haven't already) they're all excellent.

Recommend up to 5 series or multi-chapter fics from 2023 that everyone should read (multi-year WIPs count, if the last update was in 2023).

Running from the Night by @to-the-stars-writing. My forever fic spouse and the fic I reread themost this year goes to the fantastic, angsty Alec goes to live in a small village to get away from the Clave because the poor dude is traumatized fic from to-the-stars. This fic is my fics spouse (yes I got @to-the-stars-writing's permission to marry this fic) and I love, love, love it so much.

Flames to Embers by @notcrypticbutcoy: teenage!Alec is poofed into the timeline of his older self and it is lovely, sad, and heartwarming all at the same time. Also, teenage Alec is delightfully grumpy and Adult Alec is even more delightfully Done with teenage!Alec's grumpiness.

starshine and moonlight by she_who_reads (all_fandoms_reader) A three +1 fic where Alec isn't enough until he finally is. This fic is angsty and delves into Alec's (not all that great) self-worth issues and it hurts. Might or might not have cried reading it.

The Warlock's Cat by @dreaming-marchling. I hesitated a while which one I should pick from Marchling, but I ended up choosing this one (that said PLEASE go read Bleed for Me as well it is so goooood). The Warlock's Cat is a delightful "Alec gets turned into a cat and ends up in Magnus's care" fic. I adore it, and while it has its angsty or whumpy spots, it's mostly a nice, feel-good read.

Magnus Bane: Menace by AceOnIce To give some reprieve from all of the angst in this list, here is a fic of pure, unabashed fluff. Starring: Warlock Alec and Shadowhunter Magnus, the latter of which writes some truly ridiculous mission reports to HOTI Ragnor's grief.

Recommend up to 5 single chapter fics/one-shots (long or short) from 2023 that everyone should read.

The river cannot go back by @lawsofchaos1. Alec being Alec and completely in love with Magnus which leads to him committing treason like it's nothing. It is a short, brilliant fic that had me screeching like any @lawsofchaos1 fic does.

I'm finding it hard to breath by Honey_Hued_Hermes This one is pretty heave, but it does have a Hopeful Ending. Alec never promised he would tell Magnus if things ever got that bad...and sadly they do. Diving into Alec's Suicidal Thoughts and his Self-Harm tendencies.

A Most Fundamental Truth by autisticalec A missing scene from 2X10 when Alec tells Magnus that he's never been as terrified as when he feared Magnus had died from the Soul Sword. This one-shot dives into the "Alec was really very not okay emotionally" in this scene, so go read it!

The Difficult Task by @dani-dabbles: Another Alec is going through it emotionally fic (there are quite a lot of these on this list I just realized, oops). Thankfully, Magnus is there to offer support when Alec needs it because Magnus is still the best boyfriend. (also the repeated "not good enough"is evil and I am suing for emotion damages, please and thank you very much)

come to me (in the night hours) by @moonlight-breeze-44 Izzy is a supportive sister and is there emotionally for Alec right before his wedding to Lydia. This fic left me feeling all sad and weepy. This fic is technically part of a series, but as no other parts have been posted yet I am posting this in the one-shot part.

Recommend up to 5 fics NOT from 2023 that everyone should read (oldies but goodies).

I've Always Dreamed of Meeting Someone Like You by ColorfulWarlock A non-magical Alternate Universe this time around. Single-dad, fashion designer, and CEO Magnus needs someone to draw his designs for him after a hit-and-run leaves him unable to draw for himself. Insert Alec, the wonderful babysitter, and game designer who seems to understand what Magnus envisions and draw them into reality!

Angelus ex Machina by BlueA The series starts with the sudden disappearance of demon activity and the way that lack of activity impacts the local Shadow World. I love the way the parabatai bond is portrayed in this fic (especially in the third installment).

through the fire and pain by alxndrlightwoods is another parabatai-bond deep-dive that goes deep into how a parabatai bond can change shadowhunters. It also explains why, if parabatai are so powerful, there aren't that many of them. Love this fic!

i cannot touch because they are too near by @faejilly nobody manages to write poetry without writing poetry quite like @faejilly for me, seriously the words are always so beautiful I am in awe. This fic has to be my absolute favorite though because deep-dives into the parabatai bond are interesting to begin with but the way Jilly decides to do so in this fic makes it go from interesting to absolutely brilliant.

Greater Love Hath No Man by @lawsofchaos1 Okay, I lied, here is a second Laws fic, but considering this fic led to the demise of my laptop, I felt that it deserved to be on the list. (No, that wasn't a joke). Dad!Alec is forced to send baby!Max away to a warlock orphanage when his magic grows too strong for him and leaves him injured. The pain is real and it is excruciating, tissues are advised.

Recommend up to 5 of your own fics (completed or WIP) from 2023 that everyone should read.

As much as I adore reccing fics, doing self-recs is awkward, so I'm going to keep this to one rec before I combust into flames.

All Was Golden (everyone has probably read that one already because it's my most-read fic which makes this slightly less awkward than reccing any other of my fics.) Anyway, soulmate AU with a kind of ugly meet that has some angst.

Tagging, without any kind of pressure, the authors I tagged in the rec-list (if they haven't participated already) as well as @miss-mouse.

#rec game #foodsies rambles #I love all of these fics so much #and there were so many more I wanted to include #maybe I should do rec lists more often #even if nobody reads them

[valleys-lily]

Another small thing i realized while rereading trc:

Kinda in the middle of trb, Adam says about blue she builds her relationships like a cycle, and because of a "strange spell" it feels like she had always been searching for Glendower with the boys. And these quotes might not be that interesting on themselves, but what did we learn in the later books? Time is a cycle. It does not happen in a straight line. So these feelings Adam has about Blue are actually true and accurate, because time is an ocean and their friendship is a circle and they have searched for Glendower before and will continue to do so. So these quotes foreshadow the time is a circle part which becomes more important in the later books

#maggie really is a pro at foreshadowing #the raven cycle #trc #adam parrish #ronan lynch #blue sargent #gansey #trb #tdt #bllb #trk

[002yb]

Hello, i am the anon about Tim crushing on Jason and omG, thank you so much, that was so lovely like???? OmG i love it. Also rereading some of your answers i saw one ablut possesive Dick and Kon lending Tim a hand but getting hot. I would love to see your thoughts on timkon being like hot damn at dickjay

(I love all your writings, thank you so much for sharing♡)

Thank you so much, anon! I'm glad you enjoyed the reply and all my other stuff. The support means so much! //u///

Mentioned asks here and here, btw. I wasn't sure what to write, so it's largely just Tim and Conner ogling.

Kon only turns up in Gotham because Tim's heart rate spikes and it's alarming. Because Kon knows the sound of Tim's heart and the rhythm of its beat so intimately that it may as well have a place behind his own ribs. Something is wrong and Kon doesn't wait around - he goes to save his friend. Always. Without thought or question.

Only when Kon gets there, there's no danger

Just the love of his life being a little voyeur perv creeping on his brothers who are getting hot and heavy and consequently getting hot under his little Robin collar, in turn

Tim being completely oblivious to Kon for a few moments because he's so enraptured by Dick and Jason. So Kon just crouches beside him and observes, petulant about the lack of attention until the exact moment he's not because - oh.

Oh, damn. Kon gets it.

But then to distract Kon from the view - Tim. Who finally realizes that Kon is there beside him and he startles so bad. Flustered because Tim has been caught out for having a wildly unsavory hobby

Which Kon wouldn't mind sharing with him and taking part in, but like - before that? Kon can't not tease Tim about it.

Kon also gets caught out for his own invasive hobby (of listening to Tim's heart like elevator music) and sputtering and flustering just as bad as Tim

Just two red faced boys trying to save face in light of being so brutally exposed. But it's just the way their relationship is, so Kon ends up breaking into titters while Tim hides in his hands, groaning a bit but also laughing because ffs

'Shove over, would you?' Kon tells him, nudging Tim to make room so that they can both be creeps together - watching and getting increasingly overwhelmed as they watch Dick and Jason get nasty.

And then TimKon get a little nasty themselves //u///

Alternative more sfw option:

SuperBatfam on a cruise together

Tim doing his utmost to convince Kon to fly him outta there immediately because he's so understimulated it's painful

Kon being 👀 because he can stimulate Tim plenty heyo

Tim gaping because what? was that a come on?

Comically, tragically, it was not

Kon just takes the challenge for what it is and it's all Tim and Conner doing all the cruise activities.

It's at these activities that they run into Dick and Jason who are just - so over the top and ridiculously cute?

Just the way they banter and challenge one another and get competitive. The stakes/rewards they put on things - making things fun in a way that's fun for them.

Which just so happens to become fun for Kon because aww 👀👀

Meanwhile Tim is exasperated because his brothers really don't quit so smitten it's too much

But at the same time? A little aww 👀

Just Tim and Conner admiring the easy comfort and easier affections. And both of them getting a little blushy when Dick or Jason steals the other away, ducking down halls or behind pillars for stolen kisses. How they hold hands but in a way that's barely there - hidden behind their bodies and with only one or two fingers hooked.

Them at the pool deck watching Dick put sunscreen on Jason. And Kon really sort of drooling over how Dick's hands span across Jason's shoulders and back - how small Jason's waist is when Dick holds it, hooking his chin over Jason's shoulder and smiling at him and -

Then all at once Dick's gaze slides over to Kon and Kon is in full sun but he is chilled when Dick smiles at him - an open threat and oh wow that only made this predicament all the more attractive

Tim smacking Kon in warning, but Kon misses the memo because: 'idk if you guys have ever thought about swinging, but...'

Jason, who's been aware of the extra attention, busting up because omfg. And Dick can't help but laugh too, because okay Kon. Shoot your shot, they respect that. Tim is just crawling away though save him throw him overboard he shouldn't be on a confined ship with these three.

#timkon #dickjay #dicktimkonjay

[rehnwriter]

New Haven - The Inception of a Novel

The year is 2016, and I decided to get serious about my writing. Back then, I tried out a variety of techniques to get myself to write, brainstorm, come up with ideas, and be creative. Ray Bradbury mentioned one such technique in his fantastic book ‘Zen and the Art of Writing.’ In it, he suggested coming up with titles and later writing the corresponding story.

I came up with quite a few of these titles, and would quickly set out to write the corresponding stories, albeit their first draft. One such draft was written on the 7th of March in 2016, titled ‘The Organ.’

It was a short little piece of roughly 3.200 words, centering on a number of mysterious deaths in a small religious town.

Many other drafts I’d written wouldn’t change much and eventually become the very first stories I posted on Nosleep and shared here on Tumblr. ‘The Organ,’ however, exploded in size and its second draft became an 11.000-word monstrosity. This draft already included some of the elements that should later shape the story: Claire’s mysterious suicide, Ethan’s obsession with figuring out what actually happened, as well as the narrator’s quest for answers.

The third draft of ‘The Organ’ changed little. It grew by another 2.000 words, to a total of 13.000, but the story stayed the same. While I worked on the fourth and final draft, the final polishing, so to say, I felt there was more to this idea. I’d grown fond of my two main characters, David and Ethan, the mystery they were trying to solve, as well as the small town it was all set in.

And so, for a while, I stopped working on it and put it to rest, until I knew what I wanted to do with it.

In the months and years to come, I’d write more stories, and eventually tackled my first longer work, a series titled ‘Laura Ebert.’ Even now, I think the series’ basic premise is decent enough, but it’s a rather shoddy, and especially boring work.

When I returned to ‘The Organ,’ I took some time off writing and reread and analyzed some of my favorite series on Nosleep. Why did they work so well, and why didn’t my series ‘Laure Ebert?’ It wasn’t long before I realized the problem. My series was happening in a vacuum, and my main character was just moving from plot point to plot point with little opposition. The series I’d read, however, were happening in a living, breathing world. Once I’d realized that, I returned to the drawing board and spent an entire weekend plotting out this new version of ‘The Organ.’

I added many things that weren’t there before. David’s time at school, his conflict with the bullies Craig and Mark, the bible circle, but also David’s church presentation, and his conflict with his mother. The result was a story of about 32.000 words, by far the longest I’d written so far, and one I was rather proud of. I’d eventually post it on Nosleep and share it here on Tumblr as a nine-part series under the title of ‘A guest at my motel asked me to post his story. He looked like he went through hell…’ This was back in 2019.

The series did okay, but it didn’t prove to be the big hit I’d hoped it would be.

A year later, I returned to it once more because I realized it was the perfect basis for a novel. After rereading it, I realized what the series’ major problem was. It had a strong beginning, and a strong ending, but barely any middle part. In its first half, I slowly introduced all the characters, the mystery, and its many elements before I rushed straight into the ending. When I began outlining the novelization, I put a lot of extra energy into expanding its middle part. I extended and deepened the mystery, added a variety of side-conflicts, but also added some new characters or changed the role of existing ones.

I began working on the first draft of this new version of ‘The Organ’ in the middle of 2020, and its third draft was finished in April 2022. The work, however, wasn’t done just yet.

After some extensive peer-reviewing with a writer friend of mine, and after rereading it myself, I identified a variety of problems or things I could improve on. The story itself was set in stone, but certain parts of it, the writing, and the overall style, could use a bit more polish.

This reviewing period ended in the middle of this year, and soon after I began working on its true, and final, draft.

I completed this final draft at the end of last week. It comes down to roughly 90.000 words. By now, I’m honestly pretty tired of the entire thing, and I’m more than happy to have it over with.

What was once a small 3.200 word draft titled ‘The Organ,’ has turned into ‘New Haven,’ a slow-burn horror mystery novel. It’s the single work that I spent by far the most time on over the years, and I can’t wait to see it published.

I hope you’re all excited about it, especially those who read my series ‘A guest at my motel asked me to post his story. He looked like he went through hell…’

Thank you all for reading! I hope you’re looking forward to this new novel. More updates to come soon!

Regards, and have a great day!

#horror #horror literature #fiction #horror fiction #reblog #author #writer #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #writers and poets #creative writing #writing community #writeblr

[iwillberunningfromdemons]

Thoughts about 2x08 - What Was Meant To Be (show + book spoilers)

Okay, I have a lot to say about this episode. Let's start at the beginning. The bit with Ishamael and Lews Therin Telamon... I mean, we all thought the fragment would be about the Breaking, right? Instead of that, we just got LTT sealing Ishy. Not a big deal, just not what I expected, but of course I'd like to see the prologue of EotW in live action, eventually. Hopefully next season?

The opening is back and I don't really get why. There didn't seem to be any visible changes to it.

The build-up of the episode is done really well. The set-up of the war of the Whites against the Seanchan, the interaction between Moiraine and Lanfear, between Lanfear and Ishamael, Egwene as part of the defense in the tower, Perrin, Elayne and Nynaeve trying to reach her and Mat being handed the dagger.

I really liked Moiraine and Lan's bit, them forming a bond again. I liked the reunion between Mat and Perrin, and between Perrin and Dain. In fact, I think I really enjoyed Perrin's storyline and that hasn't happened until now. This felt like the first time we actually saw Perrin from the books. How Geofram Bornhald kills Hopper (most heartbreaking moment for me) and how Perrin is just in rage and takes revenge for his good boy... And then the moment that Dain realizes this, wow, this was good.

They handled Mat's blowing on the Horn well enough, I think. I don't think the Heroes of the Horn looked cringy. Uno being a Hero is a creative way to keep him in the story, but yeah, to me he wasn't established well enough in the series. The thing I liked the most was Mat remembering who he actually is (and using the Old Tongue), although not enough information was given to show-only watchers.

I don't like Rand's storyline. He kills Turak without using his sword. I mean, does Rand in the show even have sword skills? I've never seen him use a sword (and I don't think he will become a Blademaster in the show). Then he gets shot by Mat's dagger spear, after which Elayne heals him (this dagger is a literal artifact of Shadar Logoth and she is not thát good at healing..), while Egwene is protecting them against Ishy (like, how?). Eventually Rand is able to stab Ishamael with his sword, but it was a small moment.

What I mean is that there were too many players in that moment (Egwene, Elayne, Nynaeve, Mat), while there should only have been Rand and Ishamael, so it doesn't feel like it is special that Rand is the Dragon Reborn. Instead, Moiraine just makes a dragon for him (that felt sad) and it feels not earned or something. Maybe Ishy and Rand fighting in the sky would have been cringy or something, but then Ishamael's defeat would have marked him the Dragon. Now, he has done almost nothing.

Sorry, I really want to like this show. I do like it, I think, just less than before this episode. I want them to show the importance of the Dragon. I want prophecies and the key moments from the books, because I think they are vital to the story.

Now another wait of 2 years, in which I'm certainly going to reread WoT. And in season 3 we are going to see a lot more Forsaken (like Moghedien, liked her performance).

#wot on prime #the wheel of time #wheel of time #wot show spoilers #wot book spoilers #wot season 2 #wot s2 #rand al'thor #perrin aybara #mat cauthon #ishamael #dain bornhald #moiraine damodred #lanfear #moghedien #lews therin telamon #wheel of time spoilers #wot 2x08 #falme #seanchan #fantasy series #fantasy #wot spoilers #wot #episode review

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World! Chapter 8: A Place of Safety

Hello and welcome to another chapter of an incredibly long reread of The Wheel of Time, complete with spoilers. For example, the last book's title is "A Memory of Light". Spoilers! Run away! Or just block the tags. You know, whatever makes you happy. Or miserable, if that's what you're into. I won't judge until your back is turned.

This chapter icon is of Moiraine's staff, and it's used in chapters that are about her. As this is the chapter where she heals Tam, it's a lot clearer what it means than the last chapter icon was!

While he was still coming through the door Rand’s eyes went to his father—his father no matter what anyone said.

It's really very nice that Rand refuses to see Tam as anything other than his father, even when he does stop living in denial. This was a bit before the trend of stories that really went out of their way to normalize the concept; in fantasy in particular there was a lot more, "Oh thank fuck these assholes aren't my real family, my real family are magical royalty and I never have to look back".

“I do not like that man. There is something about him I don’t trust. I did not see a hair of him last night.”\ “He was there,” Bran said, watching Moiraine uncertainly. “He must have been. His cloak did not get singed in front of the fireplace.”

--

The fact that Lan is mistaken about Thom's whereabouts is high praise to the gleeman, though Lan is kinda right to be suspicious between Thom's immediately ducking out of the inn when they show up and also his whole backstory.

Her eyes traveled slowly from Tam’s feet to his head, but Rand had the prickly feeling that she was looking beyond him in some fashion.

Rand also has a prickly feeling because one of the gender asymmetries in channeling is that men can tell when women have embraced the source, even if they can't see what they're up to with it.

“That is a fine weapon you wear. Is there by chance a heron on the blade, as well?”

Lan is of course very miffed that someone's already given his soon to be protege a sword, because that was going to be his thing.

“Strange thing for a sheepherder to buy.” Rand spared a sidelong look for Lan. For a stranger to wonder about the sword was prying. For a Warder to do it. . . .

It's still prying, Rand. But at the same time, Lan is doing something so few people in this series do and actually giving Rand information. It's terse, but straightforward, though sadly it's not too useful because Tam's backstory is pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. I almost wonder if Tam was supposed to be a bigger part of the series going forward, or if all the mysteries of his past were just Jordan being loathe to throw away his ideas for an older, singular Dragon character.

A question of his own popped into his head then, one he did not want to ask, one he needed an answer to.

And Rand communicates, a little more obliquely but still, in turn! He freely provides information about the Fade to Lan because of his desperate desire to be re-adopted, or just because Lan has shown himself to be trustworthy. Maybe both. Shame Moiraine takes forever to realize how easy Rand is to handle by just being straightforward.

Had I known when I left Tar Valon that I would find Trollocs and Myrddraal here, I would have brought half a dozen of them, a dozen, if I had to drag them by the scruffs of their necks.

While obviously Rand and to a lesser but noticable extent the Wondergirls blow the expected power scale out of the water, I am going to try and pay attention to how the regulars scale with basic Shadowspawn, in no small part because both the conclusions of the book and the first season are irksome in just how pathetic they make the enemy forces seem comppared to our heroes.

(Also please someone write a fic where Moiraine finds this out early and does indeed drag a dozen Aes Sedai after her. Any dozen. Hilarity will ensue.)

“Carrion eaters.” Lan’s mouth twisted in distaste. “The Dark One’s minions often find spies among creatures that feed on death. Ravens and crows, mainly. Rats, in the cities, sometimes.”

So, as a corvid lover, what frustrates me about this particular association is that carrion eaters and rot and all the other "bad" stuff is exactly the sort of behavior that a fully cyclical system needs to be able to keep popping up the parts we humans actually enjoy. It doesn't seem fair that they'd end up being closer to evil when they're just as important a part of the system.

On the other hand, I can already hear people arguing that the Shadow serves the same moral purpose so I am just gonna hafta deal with it, huh?

Trolloc weapons are made at forges in the valley called Thakan’dar, on the very slopes of Shayol Ghul itself. Some of them take a taint from that place, a stain of evil in the metal.

Since people propose that the Two Rivers is radioactive, why not Thakan'dar? It's not elemental evil, it's polonium poisoning!

So few remain, the Amyrlin Seat almost did not allow me to take this one. It is well for Emond’s Field, and for your father, that she did give her permission.

I'm really more surprised that Siuan had the slightest difficulty in saying no, under the circumstances. Like, who could possibly have better reason for taking an angreal than the woman hunting the DR? Seal that shit to the flame and move on, Siuan.

Also, AoL folk really loved making angreal and sa'angreal in the shape of people, huh? Is that just what survived, is there a design reason, or was that just the art they were into at the time?

Fades are Trolloc spawn, throwbacks almost to the human stock the Dreadlords used to make the Trollocs.

Is it odd to anyone else that this particular detail survived? I suppose it too is a little wrong (Aginor made the Trollocs, not a collective of Dreadlords), which means this chapter has two new counterexamples of magic things being wrong (the other being Fade height), so I guess my earlier claim was nonsense, but anyway.

Point is, knowing where Trollocs come from is one of the least important parts of actually dealing with them or Fades, so it doesn't seem like information that would survive the Breaking, let alone the Trolloc Wars.

Halfmen have the Dark One’s own luck.

If you're curious as to why and how the Dark One is lucky, it's because as the personification of entropy his desired outcome is the most likely one on the table.

Lan’s head jerked up; his eyes were blue stones. “You talked to a Trolloc?”

Lan is surprised because Trollocs can't speak, but Rand can understand their tongue because he has a bit of Morid- wait no, wrong franchise and wronger sequence of events.

Still though, Lan's reaction here is how I feel about the whole exchange in hindsight. Again, Trollocs are not conversationalists.

Lan’s face softened slightly, if rock could be said to soften.

Lan is very, very excited that he and Moiraine are going to be kidnapping Rand soon, now that their target is a Trolloc killer.

There are far fewer of us now. Some talents are all but gone, and many that remain seem weaker.

The White Tower is so decayed as an institution that Moiraine doesn't even know how much she's underselling the crisis, and she's actually pretty knowledgeable. Shit's not just all but gone, quite a few things are vanished entirely.

“Anything. As long as it does not hurt the village, or my friends.”

Too late for that, Rand. You said anything before and didn't have any conditionals. Now take this knife and go ritually sacrifice Perrin before he gets married.

“Did you know,” Lan said suddenly, “that some homes were not attacked?”

Again, Moiraine just tries to tell Rand what to do while it's Lan who actually gives him reasons to behave. Right now it's of course because everyone's exhausted and no one's communicating efffectively as a result but later this disconnect will become more and more of a problem.

“My age?” Rand’s voice shook, and he did not care. “Light! Mat. What about Perrin?” “Alive and well,” Moiraine assured him, “if a trifle sooty.”

Sadly, his sisters are now in a bizarre superposition wherein they're both alive and yet have never been born at all, and they probably won't make it to another Bel Tine.

“I told you I asked questions. And I also said young men of a certain age. You and your two friends are within weeks of one another. It was you three the Myrddraal sought, and none others.”

Since those other boys - and so far as we know, no one else - did see the Fade, I would guess that Fain gave a general guesstimate into ages but didn't care to be that accurate because he's a dick (or wasn't told). The Fades, being smarter or more informed, were able to suss out who was who.

I could send to Tar Valon for some of my sisters; they might have time to make the journey before we need them. The Myrddraal knows I am here, too, and it probably will not attack—not openly, at least—lacking reinforcements, more Myrddraal and more Trollocs.

Sadly, Moiraine is quite mistaken. Since they're traveling through the Ways, the Shadow forces will be able to overwhelm her far faster than word would even get to Tar Valon. Hell, they'd be doomed before word got to Whitebridge. If they stay, things go to shit very quickly.

A journey all the way to Tar Valon was almost beyond thinking. A journey to a place where he would be surrounded by Aes Sedai.

Sadly, for Rand this would not be a place of safety (Moiraine makes a title drop!). Even if the Red Ajah didn't just lobotomize him, even if the Black Ajah didn't kidnap him and toss him into the Ways overnight, he'd still be part of sixteen different political schemes in about as many minutes. Every time Moiraine tries to make a Big Plan about Rand, it's the sort of thing that would be disastrous if it ever actually happened.

“How long will my father sleep?” he asked at last. “I . . . I have to tell him. He shouldn’t just wake and find me gone.” He thought he heard Lan give a sigh of relief.

Lan's just like, "Oh good, we got him."

She did not press hard, but it was an iron grip that held him as surely as a forked stick held a snake.

Probably not any kind of Compulsion, probably just mundane manipulation.

“You just leave me to worry about that. She and I had a long talk. And keep your voice down. If you wake Tam, you’ll have to answer to me and Moiraine Sedai.”

This is extremely Southern, but not in a "I'm going to call out Jordan for not understanding his experiences aren't universal" way. Just in a good-spirited and hilarious way.

Abell Cauthon’s house flared up—odd that; it’s nearly in the middle of the village.

al'Vere is so close to noticing that something's up that I wonder if he put two and two together once Moiraine ran off with all the boys whose homes were attacked. Or did Egwene's leaving too muddle the issue for him? Probably that; probably another reason the Pattern needed her to leave, to confuse any other villagers who would be smart enough to notice the pattern and potentially muddle things up.

Tam was his father, and nobody could tell him what to say or not say to his father. He just had to stay awake until Tam woke up. He just had to. . . .

Another ironic ending, though this one immediately clear to even the first-time reader. Jordan really liked them, I guess. But on the plus side, Rand is finally ready to pack, so we are going to be taking leave of Emond's Field here soon; just as soon as our boy wakes up. Til then, sleep tight. Don't let the Trollocs bite!

#let's read #wheel of time #wot #robert jordan #wheel of time spoilers #wot spoilers #the eye of the world #rand al'thor #moiraine damodred #lan al'mandragoran #thom merrilin

[dollfaceksj]

Okayy thank you!! <3 Just a heads up I’m a sucker for angst soooo What if maybe she’s not home when he comes to visit her, she’s away for vacation or a work thing & he realizes he really hates not being able to see her when he comes back. She ends up saying he can crash in her place bcs she feels bad. He agrees but he was so excited to see oc but not being able to have her, he needs relief bad. He tries to hold off so bad but ig we can chalk it up to him just being a man *cue lana del rey* He ends up having a girl over and oc comes back early from her trip & finds them in bed together. In the same bed they used to share. She’s conflicted because she can’t be jealous because she’s knows she’s not the only one he sleeps with and he’s technically not cheating. Shes hurt but also curious to see if he really doesn’t mumble sweet nothings into other girls ears like he does to her or if he doesn’t kiss them & gives them gentle caresses like he does to her. (Whether he does or doesn’t idk I can’t decide😭😭). When Jungkook & the girl are done he walks her out and she leaves but what neither of them saw was oc sitting on the couch. Once he locks eyes with oc his face turns pale as if he’s seen a ghost. He’s quick to try & salvage whatever it is they have with the excuse that they’re not together & it’s not cheating but oc can’t take the disrespect of him “needing some” so bad that if he doesn’t get it from her he’s willing to bring someone into their own home or at least the home they used to share. He catches her on this & he’s a little toxic about it trying to deflect where he’s wrong in this situation, he reminds her that it isn’t their home anymore it’s just hers because she made the decision of ending their relationship. They argue & she’s so hurt but so mad too bcs it’s kinda true. In the end she feels really defeated. She kicks him out & as much as he wants to fix things he’s just as angry too, plus he has a flight to catch for a fight. Soon as the fights over he jets straight from the arena to her house to finally apologize and fix things but she doesn’t open. He’s so used to her always opening the door that, that’s when he knows it’s officially over, she might have broken up with him first but he’s the one that really ended it. Orrr another scenario is (this is a whole different scene, not including the argument above, but as I’m rereading this I feel like it can kinda go together too lol) he comes back and she opens the door but tells him he can sleep on the couch because she’s adamant on this not being able to continue, she eventually caves and they end up sleeping together but while they’re doing it she cries which she’s done before but this time he feels like it’s a little different but he continues (bcs she’s saying she doesn’t want him to stop) so he settles that she’s just crying out of pleasure. Then once it’s his time to leave again she stops him & instead of the usual quick kiss, she kisses him. Like really kisses him. & before he leaves she says something cryptic like “goodbye Jungkook, good luck” with a small smile. He thinks she’s just saying goodbye until next time & good luck on his next fight, so he leaves and doesn’t think much of it. Only when he comes back she doesn’t open the door, the person that does says they’ve just moved in a few days ago, the previous tenant moved. He tries calling her but the number is out of service, that’s when it clicks for him that she was saying goodbye the last time they were together & this completely breaks him. Omgg this was so long & idk if you can see what I mean when I say I just have huge ramblings!! You said you’re already working up a part 2 (I’m so excited to hear!!) so I was so close to not sending this in but I already had my rambling written out because I’m really forgetful so I figured let me not let it go to waste lol if this doesn’t fit, make sense or you just don’t like it, thanks anyway for listening to my ramble <333 I can’t wait to read the rest of your work!!

thank u for this it was entertaining to read! and its fine u can always ramble to me i dont mind at all it was very fun and cool to read someone explaining an idea they got from *my* story its rlly cool!!!

i might pluck some of these ideas and cook up a drabble but it wont be for any time soon tho. hope u look forward to part 2! <3

#clover over #reminder jjk

[yesterdaysanswers]

I posted 2,696 times in 2022

That's 284 more posts than 2021!

379 posts created (14%)

2,317 posts reblogged (86%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@yesterdaysanswers

@fancycolours

@daveslutstaine

@camilabarbara

@silveryladystar

I tagged 2,175 of my posts in 2022

Only 19% of my posts had no tags

#art - 303 posts

#italy - 241 posts

#mauro pagani - 228 posts

#italia - 202 posts

#pfm - 194 posts

#premiata forneria marconi - 186 posts

#fashion - 129 posts

#asks - 111 posts

#cats - 104 posts

#franco mussida - 95 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#but i'm just gonna go ahead and claim ownership on the whole classic lineup of pfm mk1 & mk2 (which incl both bass players fico & djivas)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i have no idea what you're talking about...

See the full post

21 notes - Posted May 22, 2022

#4

24 notes - Posted January 31, 2022

#3

(Nuovo Sound - March 1980)

“There is a house where terrible things happen, so the owner starts looking for the cause that triggers all this wickedness until…” The crescendo at the end of the soundtrack, something very similar in grandeur to the 'Messiah’ by Handel, covers the voice of Godfrey Salmon, the conductor.

We were desperately trying to get someone to tell us the plot of the film, even treacherously, since Dario Argento, author of the story as well as director, of course, left us in the darkest curiosity. He said that the film, despite having a specific story, has no logical connection to the series of very strange events that happen there, and it is therefore very difficult to tell: “Sometimes I had to go and reread the script myself, while I was shooting.”

Beside us, Keith Emerson is carefully listening to his music; we are in the control room of the recording studio, in full control of the mixing, and these few minutes of listening have already made me realize what magnitude this soundtrack will be, at least as mysterious as the film is. But after all, it has always been Argento's prerogative, to always keep everyone in suspense until the very end. When the interview took place, this 'colossal of terror' was being retouched after two years of work; Now that 'Inferno' is coming out regularly and unveiling its mixed content, it doesn't hurt to learn more through a faithful account of our long musical-cinematic conversation.

Why did you choose Keith Emerson for the soundtrack of this film?

“Because I have always liked him very much. Apart from the fact that we already knew each other, it is since I saw him play in Rome in '72 and '73 that I decided to work with him. But then you know how it is, for one reason or another it could never happen, but this time I finally did it. How I approached him basically was simple, but one thing is important: the fact that he, he himself, wrote the music for ‘this’ film. It seems like a coincidence but it's not…it was destiny, I think, there were many small coincidences.”

For example?

“Well…you will know that one of Keith's first compositions was entitled ‘The Three Fates’...and coincidentally, the myth of the three Fates is something that returns very often in this film. In short; I believe that it was all destiny.”

You said that this is a very special film, why?

"It is for me because it took me a long time to do it, no less than two years: a year to write it and a year to shoot it, a truly titanic undertaking for me. Generally it always takes me a year, a year and a few months at the most, so you can imagine.”

You once said that you always feel like you're making the same movie.

“Clearly it was a joke…if not, you can understand it in the sense that basically I'm still the same Dario Argento, right?”

What was the path that led you to make this film?

“I can say that I thought about the film in three phases: I thought about the first part in New York, about three months, then I returned to Rome and for another four months I thought about it at an inn. You know, when I do these things I lead an almost prison life, always locked in a hotel or in an inn…I never write at home. I thought about the third part in New York, a month and a half. Eight months, a year total for the touch-ups.”

Why don't you at least tell us the plot?

“But...basically there is none...there is no plot, and then it is a massacre…”

You say this is the second film of a trilogy on modern alchemy. What does it mean?

“That this is an alchemical film. Like the previous one, 'Suspiria'...but by alchemy, I don't mean that of the scientist who tries to make gold, which is the most striking and even the most false part. Alchemy also meant other cultures, other myths...in reality it was a very interesting occult science that still exists today, in fact the film is set in our present day.”

Keith, why did you decide to write this soundtrack?

“I want to use my music to express other things, and on different levels. I wanted to give a purpose to what I was doing, in short, to develop things around a precise idea. It helped me a lot, because writing a soundtrack is certainly much more challenging than making an LP. Among other things, I also wanted to make my first film with the director, and after seeing 'Profondo Rosso' and 'Suspiria' and meeting Dario, I decided that was what I was looking for.”

Called into question, Dario can't help but exclaim, “Do you see it was destiny?"

Did you find it difficult to write music to adapt to scenarios? And did it ever happen, for example, to write something that Dario didn't like?

“At first, yes, I had a bit of difficulty with regards to coordination, but nothing more. For the rest, Dario was always immediately enthusiastic about the music I wrote.”

Have you used all the instruments you usually use, or a few more?

“No, all as usual…I've used seven or eight different types of synthesizers, the piano and the organ. But the most important part was the dedicated orchestra.”

Was the orchestra conducted by you?

“No, it wasn't me who conducted it. I just wrote the score, Godfrey Salmon took care of the rest. We've known and understood each other perfectly for more than three years now...it was him who conducted the orchestra in the latest EL&P tours.”

By the way, can you tell us what happened to you?

“It wasn't the music it used to be…I don't know how to explain it either, but everything had changed too much. I know Greg is recording in London and Carl is in Munich, but personally I haven't seen them for almost a year now.”

So your plans no longer have anything in common?

See the full post

27 notes - Posted March 13, 2022

#2

Challenge: Tag a couple of your mutuals on this ask and give them a compliment. Go ahead, brighten their day. 🌟

@quantumabyss6 @sarvyle @vibesfromepicforest @auroreamethyste @eddie-rifff @daveslutstaine @moptopper @fancycolours @camilabarbara @rogersclover @rogersgarden @the-supernatural-atheist @violet-crowned-nereid @peterjohnsinfield @candleoperamusic @silveryladystar @suitejudyblueeyes @fartofthesunrise @pianonoita @soundchase @praguehead @calicojo @ad-stones @intheblackofmyroom @cara-de-abacaxi @sophiecarolineeeee @leflaneursblog @daisyknife @annlizzita @mktsquarehero @wumbo-calling @therogblog @progcinnamon @boppinbobby @wiz-washcloth @frogbogmoondog @raptorcat1960 @anteaterhaven @queenbea-1610 @cinemaglow @milkyway-ashes @whip-some-skull-on-ya

If we talk every day, or we've never talked at all! I really enjoy seeing you on my dash and:

33 notes - Posted October 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See the full post

40 notes - Posted July 9, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #oooh nice my no. 1 post is mauro 😍 as he should be! #long post

[dragonmuse]

so I was just rereading "The Safe Word is No" and that section of "I Want to Break Free", could we also get an Izzy point of view of the morning after. He feels like he's so out of sorts and I'd love to see what is actually going on in his head.

(I started writing this a bunch of time as a play by play like the 'The Safe Word is No' and couldn't get a grip on it, so instead...)

After Lucius left, Izzy stood in the middle of his living room and didn't move for a long time. He was unmoored. There were things he needed to do today, he told himself, but none of those things made themselves apparent.

He drifted back into the bedroom. The bed was in a state the likes of which hadn't occurred since he'd had the flu, sweating and tearing up the sheets while his fever climbed.

There'd been no fever last night. None this morning. Carefully, Izzy peeled the sheets off the bed, took off pillowcases and then shoved it all in the wash.

His right shoulder twinged as he stood up. Twinged because he arm had been....

Izzy watched the sheets tumble around in the water. A shower. He should shower.

His towel had been hung back up, but not the way he would leave it. It would be damp to the touch, he realized. He had others, but he left it and used it after he'd scrubbed himself clean. There was a red welt rising on his inner thigh and he pressed two fingers to it, testing. It stung a little.

Fuck.

Routine swept him forward and left him dressed, once more pushed ashore, clinging to the kitchen counter. There were toast crumbs on the counter.

He cleaned the counter. He washed the plates on the sink. He vacuumed. Put the sheets in the dyer, the towel and some of clothes in the wash.

Then he leaned forward, rested his forehead on the dryer. It vibrated and hummed.

"What the fuck?" he breathed out.

Had he done that? Had it happened? The mark on his thigh was real enough. He could practically still hear Lucius' voice ringing in his ears. Feel his hands circling around his wrists, the press of his body....

He had to get out of this apartment before he scaled the damn walls. Izzy grabbed his wallet and went out to find it was already afternoon. It was warm and bright outside. He had no concept of where he was going. Just...out. Away.

A list. The list. The thought sank like a stone into him, weighing him down, giving him gravity. The list was a project. Lucius had been clear that it should be extensive. How long could a list about sex even be? A hobby....he had to leave that for another day. That felt too amorphous, too large to tackle without some distance.

He walked aimlessly, winding up a small park that he wasn't sure he'd ever seen before. Sitting at a bench, he got out his phone and started to research.

Fuck. There were a lot of things in the world. He knew that vaguely. He watched a lot of porn over the years, but that had always seemed remote. Actors playing out fantasies. How real could any of it be?

But apparently real people did do those things. Things that Izzy had jerked off too furiously without any thought of it being reality. Some of them were things that he had done, thoughtlessly, that were apparently not great ideas to one's health and safety.

Some of the things on the first draft of this list should probably be 'nos' he realized. Lucius probably wouldn't accept 'Anything short of death is fine' on an otherwise blank page. He'd said exhaustive.

To Izzy's surprise, he did find things that made him squirm in a bad way. None of the pain parts. But he found...fuck. He stared into blank space.

He didn't want Lucius to call him names. How fucking stupid was that? The man could truss him up and beat him bloody, but not insult him?

But...Lucius had said he didn't want to insult him or be insulted. Izzy could put that down. Write in black and white 'no insults' and that would be what it was.

Lucius wanted him to say no.

Had...had Eddy wanted that? The thought was prickly and hot in his mind. He'd never told Eddy no like that. He did plenty in their working lives. Sometimes he thought it was the only thing he said, but personally? Had they wanted more resistance? Had they wanted someone who stood up to them or made their needs clear? Did Bonnet do that? Prissy little prima donna probably did.

Izzy scrubbed a hand over his face. He shoved the thought away. It didn't do him any good right now. Instead, he got to his feet. Went home. Made the bed, made himself food. And then he got out his laptop and started to write.

He had an order after all.

#leda house and the kraken verse #ficlet #goblin king and the pup #izzy hands #lucius black

[cookinguptales]

...huh. After getting that ask last night, I went back and reread some of my old Osomatsu-san karabita fic and like. Damn, I was really going through some shit back then.

There are a lot of them that I could be talking about, being honest, but I really mean that damn wingfic. It's wild looking back at it now because the vibe is kind of like I decided to just get fully naked for all of my readers and they just clapped politely. I'm not sure I've ever written anything more painful or more honest, to the point where I honestly cried a little reading it even now.

Like... I know it's a wingfic for a crack anime but I feel like if I just printed that fic out and handed it to every therapist I ever had, we probably could have saved a lot of time and effort. lmao

I know some of you reading this now followed me even back then (which is wild to think about, and thank you for sticking with me for that long) but for the uninitiated, one half of that pairing is very small and kind of underdeveloped and is canonically sensitive about it, and I wrote a fic that explored that insecurity through a fantasy AU with wings. (Wingfic was super popular in Ye Olde Fandom days but it's less common now and I was feeling nostalgic for it.)

And... I mean, it's true that I was looking at that character trait. But I realize now (and think I knew even then) that it was really about exploring my own insecurities re: my disability (and my childhood trauma) and my inability to accept that I could be loved in spite of it. It was a fantasy, perhaps, of someone who'd fall for the person I am and manage to convince me that I am worth loving, in spite of -- or perhaps because of -- my experiences and deficiencies.

Truthfully speaking, I think I was very cognizant of it being a fantasy back then. It didn't feel even remotely possible for me. I felt far too -- well, broken, as the fic said. I've been through a lot of shit. Some I've posted about publicly, some I haven't. And through it all, my body has really just been one betrayal after another.

Even in the fic, this character is thinking that he may never be loved, but at least he can be strong and productive and like. God, I guess that's part of the fantasy, isn't it? My physical problems are only partially visible, as opposed to Chibita's very visible wings in that fic, but they prevent me from doing a lot. Honestly, in many ways, they make me feel like less of a person because of all the things I will never be able to do myself. It's a rough thing to struggle with. I am not physically strong. I'm not always very productive. But god did I hospitalize myself a few times back then while trying.

That said... I've changed a lot in the past six years. Some things have stayed the same, and I still recognize enough of myself in that fic that it hurts to read. But some things have improved. I made some medication changes that didn't exactly fix things, but they have made them more bearable. (Both physically, pain-wise, and psychologically.) I have made new friends and have joined new communities. I've taken up new hobbies and created new loves. I finally found a new fandom to throw myself into, lmao.

I'm still single, I guess, and I still struggle with accepting that someone could love me. I still have problems noticing when people are interested and kind of need to be bashed over the head with it. But... I think, looking back on this fic now, I'm not sure that love was even the real fantasy when I was writing it. Like obviously I wouldn't turn down love and acceptance exactly as I am. Who would?

I think, though, that the real fantasy was that someone would tell me that I'm worth loving and that I'd believe it. I wanted to be loved, but I wanted to be able to love myself, too. That's the hard part, isn't it? Believing that you're intrinsically lovable. And that's what I just... could not accept for many, many years. I can look back on it now and see how that mental block was created; the societal lessons and the people I'd surrounded myself with and the various traumas that I hadn't quite processed. But god, was it hard to break.

But I'm happy to report that these days I have at least a couple people in my life who don't just make me feel valued but valuable. They tell me they like me and slowly, I believe it. They tell me I'm impressive and slowly, I become impressed. They accept me for all my scars and flaws and slowly, I have started to accept myself, too.

I think about that character in that fic I wrote, absolutely touch-starved and yearning for it, and I run my hands down my arms, my thighs, and allow myself to enjoy the softness of my own skin.

(Even if it is a symptom of one of my many illnesses. 🙃)

And finally, I can imagine someone else enjoying it, too.

I know that doesn't seem like some big, crazy breakthrough. I'm not out here like "update, I'm in a happily committed relationship and mentally healthy!" But when most of your life you've felt like love and happiness especially in a physical sense are things that belong to other people but never to you... like, it's a big deal, to look at hands that don't quite work right, that look weird sometimes, that are strange to the touch, and think -- one day, someone will want to hold these. They'll want to. They won't just put up with the physicality of me; they will love it and they will love me and I will let them.

Like I may not be perfect at this point. I may not ever be. But I'm open to the idea of happiness and I find myself optimistic in ways I never have been before. I think I'm ready to let someone love me. And to me, at least, that feels huge.

I look back on the words I wrote seven years ago, and I realize that what felt impossible back then feels dizzyingly plausible now. I know I've made a lot of posts lately about growth and about healing but I just. God, it still feels so novel to me. It's crazy to look within yourself and realize that for what feels like the first time, you are feeling better. And idk if it was the medical changes or the therapy or the people I've met or just -- just the distance from who I used to be. From the things that happened. But I feel tangibly different now compared to who I was then and I could cry with it.

(...I have cried with it. lmao)

idk. Growth is hard and it doesn’t always feel good but sometimes you look back on the person you were a few years ago and you just. You just want to hold them, y’know? And tell them that one day things really will be better.

#just me #personal #long post #god what to even tag this #cw: #mental health #disability #'velvet skin' sounds like a nice symptom when it's just extremely soft skin #but the rashes and blisters and scars and suuuuper slow healing are... less fun

[piratespencil]

1 & 2 for the book asks, please! Yay books!

1. book you’ve reread the most times?

I answered this one earlier but I'll give another answer! I don't reread things a lot but the fact that I've read both Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo more than once shows you how much I love those books... They're long but they're fantastic. Fantasy heist crew doing fantasy heists. Very good.

2. top 5 books of all time?

Top five of all time is too hard so I'm going to cheat and say top 5 I read this year haha... This might get long so I'm going to do a count-down under the cut:

5) In the Land of Invented Languages by Arika Okrent - This is a non-fiction book about conlangs and it's super interesting!! The older I get the more I realize that non-fiction books can be fun actually...

4) All Systems Red by Martha Wells - I got really into sci-fi this year and this series, The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells, is so good. A security construct (part human part robot) hacks itself so it can just hang out and watch TV all day and then stuff happens. I love Murderbot with my whole heart. Great place to start if you haven't read a lot of sci-fi but want to.

3) Because Internet by Gretchen McCulloch - This is another non-fiction book!! This one is about internet language and internet culture and it is so interesting and so well-written, absolutely one of my favourite books of all time.

2) Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir - The whole Locked Tomb series by Tamsym Muir is super cool. Weird, trippy gothic horror slash sci-fi with lesbians. But the most recent book in the series, Nona, is absolutely my favourite one so far. Weird gender stuff. Super endearing narrator. Bonkers plot. God is a twitch streamer from New Zealand. Love it.

1) The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers - More sci-fi!! This book is basically just the episodic adventures of a little long haul ship crew traveling through space but there is something so endearing about the characters and so compelling about how this book is written. As soon as I read it, it scratched an itch I didn't know I had. I'm gonna reread it at some point for sure. (It's the first book in the Wayfarers series, and while the other books in the series are also cool, they deal with different characters and this one is by far my favourite.)

Sorry that was so long!!! I hope you liked this list though, I highly recommend all these books, especially if you enjoy sci-fi and/or non-fiction about linguistics haha.

#thank you for the questions!!!! love having an excuse to gush about the stuff i've been reading #yay books! #reply #ask meme #books #katia-dreamer #kk talks about stuff