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hyperbali · 3 years

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Agatha Harkness Was Right, And Here’s Why

Alright. Finally had to sit down and write my way out of this quiet, internal temper tantrum, and a few people were interested in seeing what I had to say, so I present to you:

Agatha Harkness Was Right, And Here’s Why

Disclaimer: MASSIVE spoilers for the entirety of WandaVision, and I am not nice about it.

I’ll start off by saying that, for all its foibles, WandaVision was genuinely a good example of a property within the MCU/Disney umbrella that stepped out of the usual ‘good guys fight bad guys action extravaganza’ in a way that pushed the envelope. The pseudo-horror aspect of the first few episodes is something I would really love to see engaged with on a more thoughtful basis in future projects.

I would say that it proved to be more than a vehicle to promote toys, but… well…

Yeah. Anyway.

I’ll assume that you watched WandaVision if you’re reading this, but quick recap: In the aftermath of ‘the Blip,’ Wanda is left broken and alone with no one in her corner. Her biggest mentor willingly abandoned his team to get his own ‘happy’ ending (do not get me started on Steve, that’s a document in and of itself), her other biggest mentor is probably off enjoying his family while ignoring the incredibly racist killing spree he’s been on for the past five years, and her lover is dead. When she goes to claim the body, she’s told nuh-uh, that’s government property, please leave.

So she goes to a plot of land in the middle of some nowhere town in New Jersey, which Vision apparently bought despite the fact they were living a pretty decently comfortable life in Scotland, where she looks at the deed that Vision drew a heart on and wrote ‘To Grow Old In’. Very sweet. Kind of weird, considering nothing of this caliber had ever been suggested for either of their characters and they’d been actively running from specifically the U.S. authorities? But sweet.

She has a breakdown and, in her grief, contains the entire town of Westview and all 3,892 of the people in it in her own personal paradise, where nothing bad ever happens beyond sitcom hijinks, no one dies, and every problem is tied up and neatly dealt with by the end of an ‘episode’. Except we learn that this is only paradise to Wanda, who apparently shares the aspect of having to relate everything to her favourite pop culture with Tony, because everyone else in Westview is more or less being psychologically tortured by the incredible amount of pain she’s in, forced to be puppeted actors to make her happy.

Bear in mind, Westview might have been bigger at some point - we have no idea how many people survived the Blip, or how many have been brought back to life within the past few weeks of the current setting. Either way, this is a town that has already dealt with a lot of trauma being dragged into yet another awful, much more specific kind of emotional damage, thanks to ‘the heroes’. Nice.

Agatha Harkness, a witch who’s been up to who-knows-what in the 340 years since she drained the coven that tried to kill her for getting a little too ambitious into jerky, feels the massive expenditure of magical power and decides to investigate. All the while, she carefully uses her own magic to try and peek into Wanda’s psyche, her motivations, all while keeping up appearances and not letting slip that anything is amiss.

I’ll point out that she’s no saint here, either - she specifically keeps one Westview resident at her mercy, and knows what’s happening to the rest of them, but doesn’t attempt to stop it. I’ll chalk that up to her pragmatism; their ‘sacrifice’ was fine to her as long as she could figure out how Wanda could have done something so unheard of in terms of power.

What we come to learn over the course of the show is that, given everything that happened, Wanda didn’t mean to take over an entire town and tool it into her own personal slice of heaven. She very quickly became aware of it; we know that she knows it’s her own personal bubble as soon as episode three, when she’s confronting Monica about how the latter could possibly know about Ultron. Wanda is made further aware of how much damage this is inflicting on others in episode five, when Vision himself tells her that these people are scared. But still, she has everything handled! It’s okay! The outside world is worse, trust her!

Her handling of the question, ‘where are all the children of Westview,’ is one that bears some thinking - and, y’know, kind of more than a little concern. They’re allowed to walk around as part of the ‘Halloween special,’ but as Vision walks further and further out towards the edges of town where Wanda doesn’t have as much full control, people are just frozen in place, or conducting the same few seconds of action over and over. And fully aware of being trapped.

How are they being sustained? Eating, sleeping? If someone isn’t part of her storyline, is she just locking them down into a coma? What made Wanda decide that keeping the children ‘out of the way’ was somehow kinder than involving them, especially given her later argument that she’s been trying to keep the entire town safe and happy?

The fact of the matter is, she only actually starts to feel remorse for any of this after she’s confronted with the fact that, after weeks of being at her mercy, the townspeople of Westview would rather be dead than endure another moment of having to play nice for her enjoyment. She finally opens the ‘bubble’ to let them out - which leads to the ‘epic’ finale of three different entities trying to take down Wanda and her happy family: the S.W.O.R.D. military led by Hayward, the White Vision, and Agatha.

Winding back to how we got here: after Agatha uses her own trapped resident, Ralph Bohner (who, given his casting and the props in place during the last episode, I’m willing to bet is actually the missing witness protection person Jimmy was looking for) in an attempt to lure out Wanda’s reasoning - and fails - she’s pretty much done pretending. She tricks Wanda into her basement, nullifies her powers, and makes her face her own past to get to the truth of the matter.

Not going to lie, favourite moment of the show. Kathryn Hahn killed Agatha’s slightly-amused-slightly-irritated observations about Wanda’s coping mechanisms, and the whole arrangement was extremely meta. I would have paid real money dollars to see her do the same thing to the likes of Tony, Strange, and Loki. Hell, even just having her meet the rest of the Avengers? Augh. If wishes were fishes.

When Agatha comes to the conclusion that Wanda is the vaunted, nigh-indestructible force of nature that she’s literally spent her entire life reading about is the ultimate source of chaos magic and will likely bring about the end of the world, she’s pretty understandably taken aback. To that matter, the fact that Wanda… has very little control over any of it, and is using what she does understand to play housemaker? After how long Agatha has spent learning control, hiding in plain sight, just to be child’s play compared to what Wanda has at her fingertips? I’d be pretty pissed off, too!

The way that WandaVision handled both of the major ‘fights’ - Vision versus White Vision ending in philosophy, and Wanda ending up beating Agatha at her own game of deception - is excellent. A little grating that they had to go with the beat down angle before they got there, but this is MCU; punches and thrown cars had to get shoved in somewhere. And, given that this series very much played with the idea of grey morality, I was sort of hopeful that Agatha would end up in a not-quite stalemate arrangement with Wanda. She’s not as powerful as the Scarlet Witch, but she has the know-how that Wanda sorely lacks; in recompense for her own deeds, she would be able to teach what she knows while also kind of scheming on her own time.

Y’know, like what they did with rehabilitating Loki?

Except that Wanda, who has just gone through the entire rigamarole of coming to terms with the fact that she trapped thousands of people into a nightmare scenario against their will, rendering them helpless to her mercy… traps Agatha into a nightmare scenario against her will, rendering her helpless to Wanda’s mercy.

That moment actually shook me. Oh, my god. We’re supposed to still look at Wanda as a good guy after this?

This isn’t even covering the incredibly awful confrontation with her and Vision where she tries to gaslight him into believing that everything is A-OK, or the fact that the person she gets most violent with (apart from Agatha) is Monica Rambeau, a black woman who spends most of the show bending over backwards trying to say that what Wanda is doing is understandable, justified, and just needs a gentle touch to be dealt with.

That could be its own document, too - how Monica, much as she’s incredible and definitely looks to be a really exciting addition to the MCU roster, more or less gets used as the Good One to absolve and enable Wanda’s actions. One of her last lines to Wanda, after seeing how the people of Westview (rightfully) look at Wanda like she’s monstrous, is “they’ll never know what you sacrificed.”

Sacrificed what? The fake husband and fake kids she made out of her own compulsion to pretend that everything is okay? None of that would have existed if she’d been given the proper resources to actually cope with how much loss she’s had to deal with. None of that would have existed if she hadn’t caused this problem in the first place.

In the end, Wanda flies off in her fancy new gear before the FBI shows up, avoiding any real consequences to her actions - which has pretty much been the running theme of her character ever since she was introduced to the MCU in Age of Ultron. The worst kind of direct consequence she’s ever gotten was being grounded to her room for a while, then kept in the Raft for, like, maybe a day - and both times, she was broken out post-haste.

Meanwhile, she worsened the issues in Sokovia (which, I will say upfront, was Tony’s fault to begin with), unleashed the Hulk on Johannesburg, got a pretty significant amount of civilians killed as bystanders in Lagos (hey, how come Wanda keeps turning a lot of black people into casualties?), and stood back in Wakanda to let their people try to fight off Thanos from getting to Vision until it was clear that there was no other option than for her to get involved.

Great Power Comes With No Responsibility At All, Actually.

Wanda, in the several years she has maintained her identity as an Avenger, has proven time and time again that she takes on innumerable risks without any full understanding of what they mean, allows others to take on the brunt of the fallout for her, and looks sad until she’s forgiven and moves on to the next problem. She has no business casually throwing around the kind of power that being the Scarlet Witch entails, not until she’s actually made any kind of headway into making reparations for what she’s done and tried, really tried, to get a handle on what she’s capable of.

Which she’s apparently doing in the last post-credits scene, astral reading the literal Book of the Damned on her lonesome in the mountains, but… without anyone to guide her, or give her any kind of boundary?

[I ran out of images I could post, but you know exactly what image I am referring to here]

Agatha Harkness was right. And that should terrify everybody that has to deal with Wanda in the future.

(P.S. Do we know if she actually even killed that dog? We never see her holding anything but a blanket, and characters go in and out of that show all the time. Granted, she wasn’t great with the cicada-turned-bird... hmm.)

Additional Notes:

“Well, you’re a Tony Stan, of course you think Wanda’s a villain”

I like Tony because he’s such an awful mess, and the narrative isn’t exactly kind about telling him what a piece of shit he can be! He reaped a lot of problems, created practically half the villains in the MCU, and ended up dying a martyred hero. Thanks to being the tent pole by which this franchise hoisted itself into a cultural powerhouse, he will always be their golden savior. If you want to read about how he’s the true villain of this entire affair, feel free to look up any number of takedown pieces about him that are out there. He’s a dick. I will never “uwu sad baby who did nothing wrong ever 🥺” him the way people do about Wanda.

“Why are you so pressed about this”

Because something as good in concept as WandaVision could and should have been about anyone other than the whitewashed, antisemitic take on Wanda Maximoff that MCU brought upon us. They put crucifixes on her wall in Civil War, for fuck’s sake!

“Weren’t you mad about them not including Aaron Taylor-Johnson”

At this point, I am almost kind of relieved the real Pietro wasn’t resurrected for this, because god knows they probably would have killed him all over again just to inflict that much more pain on his sister.

“Anything else you’d like to tell us, turbo nerd”

This was literally itching at me all weekend to write, so it’s more or less just to get it off my chest. If you powered your way through it, uh… thanks? Sorry if I yucked your yums, but I tried to be as clear with the disclaimer as I could. 🤷‍♂️

#blah blah #long post #marvel #mcu #wandavision #wandavision spoilers #wandavision critical #anti wanda maximoff

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demigoddreamer · 3 years

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Addressing Batman’s Abuse Part 2

LINK TO PART 1:

https://demigoddreamer.tumblr.com/post/639260521881862144/addressing-batmans-abuse

Batman: keeps a secret that could harm his family

Batfamily: how could you keep secrets from us?? I thought we could trust each other

Batman: nah man this info for me only you guys can’t be trusted with this

Batfamily: keep any secret whatsoever

Batman(who has a horrible lack of boundaries): THE AUDACITY

Ok...I really hoped there wasn’t more to the abuse but there is. I honestly can’t believe I wrote ALL OF THAT. I’m gonna do a post where I try to display Jason’s pain and suffering for what it is and tell the haters that they have no basis and to get the fuck outta here if you don’t like it. Jason deserves to be loved and that’s not because he’s my fav. BUT BACK TO BRUCE… anyway here imma cover anything else I forgot because what else is a high school freshman gonna do on her last day of break. All I’ve been doing to studying my butt off and working hard nuh huh IMMA TELL THIS CRUEL WORLD TO PUT A SOCK IN IT STOP ABUSING MY BOIS LIKE THE BATBROS. Sorry I got off topic.

I was talking in the last post about RHATO#25 where Jason shot the penguin. Now he has a pretty darn good reason ok. My boi found letters from his abusive criminal father(more like a DNA donor cause he ain’t a good dad like he supposed to be) and this trash Willis Todd wrote letters to Jason when Willis was in prison. He was like sorry and stuff and i don’t see how this is good enough BUT YOU MADE MY BOI JASON CRY! (I can’t bear to see my boi jay sad) now if you didn’t know my boi Jason has a heart of gold(if you didn’t think jay’s a good person then you’re just a lower life form) and LIKE ANY CHILD HE WANTS TO BE LOVED BY HIS PARENTS. Anyway he’s mad at Penguin for putting Willis in jail and shoots him...we all know what’s going to happen…*sucks in breath* Bruce is like you broke my precious no kill rule and beats the shit out of my poor baby Jason. LIKE THAT’S NOT OK it’s honestly kinda worst knowing JASON HAS A HISTORY OF PHYSICAL ABUSE FROM HIS FATHER, another father figure causing him psychological trauma is going to bring up all sorts of bad memories and PTSD from Willis. Batman was supposed to be a better father than Willis but kinda ended up like him instead.

Sorry I didn’t discuss that more in depth in the last post, it’s why there’s a part 2. But now some new stuff. So as we know...Alfred died WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE ALFRED IS A FRICKING GOD HE’S IMMORTAL HE CAN’T DIE WHYYYYYYYYY!!!!...sorry I’m just so sad Alfred is DA BEST. anyway in the comic Pennyworth RIP or something like that, they are having a nice funeral for him. You know what?? THEY TOLD JASON NOT TO COME TO THE FUNERAL. THEY INVITED AMNESIAC DICK(now ric?*cry in bad naming and lost bro relationships*) but they like to Jason nah bro we don’t want your ass you but my BOI JASON WAS LIKE NAH FUCK ALL OF YOU IMMA COME TO THIS. and he came and he HAS THE RIGHT TO COME. He loved Alfred just as much as any of them and Alfred loved him and would want him to FUCKING COME.(ngl my man jay looks good in those shades) anyway they all seem pretty hostile to him when he comes and Bruce doesn’t correct this like hey he’s not bad guy you know

Also we need to acknowledge the secret keeping. Bruce is super paranoid and has major trust issues. He doesn’t feel the need to give IMPORTANT INFO to anyone not even his own fucking family. And this withholding of crucial info often puts his family in danger. Like when Joker kidnapped them and made them think they’re faces were cut off. I don’t know exactly what happened but he knew Joker was gonna do something and they were put in danger. WHY WOULD YOU PURPOSELY SUBJECT THE KIDS YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY YOU HAVE TO CALL YOURS TO PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL TRAUMA??? LIKE WHYYYYYYY? If you simply trusted them and not do stuff behind their back then this could’ve been avoided. It is hinted that while Bruce was unconscious the Joker told them some stuff, a lot of it he said when Bruce was unconscious but while conscious he said like Bruce loves Joker*not surprised considering why is joker still alive* and he secretly hopes that Joker kills his kid like HELL NO, whispered some horrible things that will make them self deprecate and increase depression. We can imagine how bad it is to be kidnapped, about to be lit on fire, seeing your cut off face on a plate(their faces weren’t actually cut off but still it’s traumatizing), and then joker toxin fills the room making you go crazy, I imagine it’s worse for Barbara after being shot by Joker and even worse for Jason BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING BRUTALLY MURDERED BY JOKER AND HIS CROWBAR AND EXPLOSIONS. (I wanna shove that crowbar up Joker’s ass until he starts bleeding out of every orifice) and Bruce is like y’all we need to talk but everyone’s like no i can’t, making up excuses, etc. but i don’t blame them once again the secret keeping caused unnecessary pain. THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD AT BATMAN and he tries soooo hard to justify it. and when they keep a secret from him suddenly they’re the bad guy. BATMAN CAN’T HANDLE SOMEONE KEEPING SECRETS FROM HIM honestly that’s shitty AF. And so toxic like he keeps breaking into their business and crossing lines with privacy. SO WHY DOES BRUCE KEEP DOING THIS??? He keeps people in the dark and they get hurt like HONESTLY YOU’RE HURTING EVERYONE AROUND YOU AND HE MAKES SOME ASSED EXCUSE ABOUT PROTECTING THEM.

Look Batman, there comes a time where enough is enough ok. Please stop hurting them, you already lost them and you’ll never get them back. All of them should just get out but especially Jason. I know a lot of people think Jason should leave entirely and I don’t entirely disagree with that. But I think Jason should keep his bros ditch his dad. Like Batman keeps hurting Jason but his brothers I feel like are more there for him than anyone else and they’re as much victims as Jason is. Batman should stop adopting so many kids if he can’t treat them right.

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elkian · 3 years

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I was gonna do a “missing the point”-style meme but I’m honestly not sure that would even work tho so:

Harry Potter and My Hero Academia/Boku no Hero Academia have similar issues with introducing and then immediately ignoring ENORMOUS issues re: ableism.

I think these two series in specific come to mind bc it’s ableism within a specific empowered community, and in both cases the series are pretty well-known and the community (Wix/Heroes) are immediately identifiable to many audiences.

[WARNING: Discussions of ableism, child harm, and abuse on multiple levels.]

What’s the problem?

SQUIBS.

[This post got stupid huge SO here is a tl,dr for all you lovely people who understandably have no time for this.

TL, DR: Both Harry Potter and Boku No Hero have a bad tendency to implement or imply a level of disability regarding unempowered people in empowered societies. They then continue on to completely disregard important conclusions to these implications, such as how heavily it is implied that these unempowered people (Squibs) are so ‘worthless’ to those societies that their very deaths are merely a byline rather than an actual tragedy.

This is especially troubling in MHA/BNHA when so many other political and worldbuilding considerations HAVE been planned out, and seems to be less-discussed in the fandom as a whole, so that’s a much larger chunk of this post.]

That’s your tl, dr!

Here’s the Harry Potter angle:

HP has a bit that I’ve seen people discussing already: Neville’s magic was discovered when his uncle dropped a literal child a potenial lethal distance.

Neville activating his power and surviving is celebrated, and then JKR immediately glosses over the glaring issue this has introduced: the heavy implication that a Squib dying from this incident would have not have been mourned or even really commented on.

The few adult Squibs (and isn’t that a whole new slice of wonderful /j) are generally disliked and ridiculed for some reason or other. Now, while obviously there are plenty of places where the Venn diagram of “disabled” and “asshole” intersect irl, when your ONLY presentation of a disabled character or group is, every time, an asshole or a fool or both, boy! That’s bad!

Neville (who is generally presented as magically, physically, and mentally weak and often treated as comic relief) is a bit better via the POV Character constantly having positive interactions with him, but this is still a mess. Yes, Neville canonically is not a Squib, but it’s not subtle that he’s on the cusp OF being a Squib, and that is a key element of ridiculing him in many situations (also the whole trauma thing multiple times, like if I really get into it I could do a whole double-size post of how Neville was done dirty or nearly dirty by JK all the time but this isn’t that post).

This isn’t even the point of this post. Let’s move to MHA/BNHA

Hero Academia has differing but honestly even worse issues. And I’m aware that different countries handle ableism and accessibility in different ways, but if you think too hard about it this is an absolute clusterfuck.

What is the problem now?

Squibs! Or rather, the main character of the series, Midoriya Izuku.

Deku (a nickname meaning “useless”! Imparted after his disability is recognized! hilarity!!) is also born without powers. Even worse in some ways, he is born without powers in a world where the overwhelming majority of the global population has some kind of empowerment. I can’t recall if it’s outright stated or only implied that someone with a functionally useless (and hoo boy, usefullness to society is its own post nope not today i do not have that much energy) Quirk is still more of a person than a Quirkless human.

That sink in? Okay, let’s move on.

In a narratively not-uncommon turn of events, Deku gains power. This is partially a product of, and directly tied to, his own work and determination, as well as his willingness to help even when physically outmatched.

To an American audience (NOT the intended audience though I wouldn’t doubt it if Horikoshi meant to have international appeal more or less from the start), this is a deeply satisfying narrative. Who doesn’t love an underdog story? And we even learn that the strongest hero of all time (til this point, anyways) was ALSO born Quirkless!

However, from here, things take a nosedive.

The key problem is a combination of story progression and overall thought put into worldbuilding. Horikoshi’s efforts may not be the MOST thorough, but he has put a great deal of work and thought into his creation (he at least understands the concept of implications and sometimes plans accordingly, looking at you JKR). However, that tied with story progression and personal repercussions actually works to the detriment of the matter.

Especially given recent turns of events.

[BIG MEGA SPOILERS FOR FAIRLY RECENT PLOT

STOP HERE IF YOU’RE NOT CAUGHT UP

SERIOUSLY]

What I mean by this is the current state of events re: two particular recent/recent-ish plot arcs.

First, Quirk Removal, and second, Endeavor’s comeuppance.

Quirk Removal/Loss was the start of my realization to what the narrative was doing regarding Izuku’s Quirklessness and the state of being overall.

This arc was a perfect time to bring up Midoriya’s past! A lot of Western works certainly would have done so! And yes, it may be bordering on done-to-death, but many elements of Hero Academia put new twists on common themes and cliches; it wasn’t unreasonable to hope that he might do it again.

Instead, little to NOTHING is discussed during this time! In fact, iirc I’d go so far as to say Midoriya straight-up never considers his past at any point during this arc!? If I’m wrong then it obviously made little impact.

NOW, not every disabled character needs to incorporate their disability and/or skills gleaned from living with it in every narrative. In fact, it would get tedious and questionable if they did (note: this does NOT mean ignoring/forgetting the character is even disabled when convenient. Like, I’d like to think that’s the obvious point of this post but... *gestures at tumblr*).

But the complete lack of it here feels really weird. Like, almost hollow. I think Midoriya makes some kind of suggestion to Mirio of his former Quirklessness at the end of the arc, but nothing that made any kind of impact.

Let’s move on.

Endeavor.

Now, the problem with Endeavor’s arc is not the arc itself. Or, rather, it’s the fact that Endeavor’s Comeuppance is pretty good.

This is a problem because someone else should be getting this exact same arc, yet the issue is never even RECOGNIZED, let alone addressed.

Endeavor’s abuse of his wife and children, all in the name of creating a Heroic legacy, is publicized and tanks his popularity. The general public is now aware of what he’s done to the people closest to him, which aside from giving him a more correct reputation, means they can’t trust him to protect them if they can’t trust him to protect his own family.

This isn’t the goal of this post and I’m no expert regardless, but up to this point (around chapter 290) this was handled in an interesting way. Endeavor is humanized and often shown interacting with people in a way that, while often domineering, isn’t always aggressive or abusive. He runs a Hero Agency for crying out loud! But abuse in the real world often isn’t constant, nor happening to everyone in contact with the abuser. So this is a surprisingly good lead up to the reveal, where you can understand how most people never realized this was an issue.

But here’s my main point. Let’s examine some traits and actions that come up:

physically abusive to a child (often dangerously so) to the point of permanent trauma and severe scarring in some cases

target of abuse was weaker (physically and/or regarding Quirk power)

often abused victim emotionally/psychologically, bringing this weakness up again and again

own immense power led to rising in the world of Heroics

comrades, fellow Heroes, UA teachers etc. not aware of prior abuse issues

Who does this sound like?

Endeavor, who has a whole fucking arc dedicated to this reveal and repercussions?

Or Bakugou?

Reminder: This isn’t a hate post. This isn’t a character post, or even an abuse post. This is about ableism.

Bakugou exhibits many, many traits and actions that Endeavor was literally just punished for. So why does the treatment of these characters in-universe differ so drastically?

Two primary reasons I can think of, which feed into each other:

1) Bakugou was a child (still technically is a minor, remember! Still a first-year high schooler!) when this started. This doesn’t mean he’s strictly innocent, but it’s an important point, because it leads us to

2) Bakugou Katsuki’s abuse of Midoriya Izuku is socially accepted.

Reminder of the audience’s first encounter with Katsuki. The very first page with him is him and his grade-school posse picking on a kid that Izuku is trying to protect. His posse is showing off their Quirk powers and mocking Izuku’s lack thereof.

Then we flash forward to late-middle school versions of the kids. Bakugou, in front of a fucking teacher and entire class, is verbally, physically, etc. abusive to Izuku. He trashes his stuff, threatens him, tells him to kill himself (which, as Izuku notes later, is a fucking felony in Japan too).

No one stops him.

No one criticizes him.

We don’t even get a shot of like, some more ‘regular’ students being like “man Bakugou’s kinda fucked up but we’re too scared to do anything about it” NO. NO. Everyone more or less either backs Katsuki up or straight up doesn’t care.

Remember that this started when Katsuki and Izuku were four. Remember that Katsuki’s power is absurdly dangerous, ie. LITERAL. GODDAMN. EXPLOSIONS.

Izuku has scars. He probably has hearing loss! He may have gotten at least one concussion which can cause serious neurological issues and open him up to further risk!

He could have died.

And?

NO ONE. DOES. ANYTHING.

THIS is the point of the post. THIS is the value placed on Quirkless people in this society.

And yet. Despite Endeavor’s comeuppance. Despite All Might and Izuku’s blatant ‘value’ to society through Heroics. Despite so many other political implications and quandaries address in the Hero Academia series.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing about this is addressed. The nearly-lethal ableism towards Quirkless people in this society is never ONCE brought up properly once Izuku receives One For All.

There is so much potential here! There is so much worth talking about! And yet we’ve moved into what feels very much like the Final Battle without it being addessed, despite numerous, numerous opportunities for a meaningful conversation about it along the way.

Mirio losing his power! Hell, Mirio’s powers’ drawbacks (and pretty much every Quirk’s drawback! if acknowledged properly!) border on a disability-analogue, and even more when Yuga’s laser comes up, and yet again and again we fail to truly engage with the matter in a meaningful way.

At this point, even if it comes up in the finale, I’m going to be disappointed in this particular aspect of the series due to the complete and total shut-down it’s been given so far.

What the FUCK, Horikoshi?

#elk text #24th #February #2021 #February 24th 2021 #I hope the bold helps with reading #long post warn #elk has thoughts #sorry for the ramble #Ableism #other shit comes up but plz keep in mind that that is the PRIMARY POINT OF THIS #also:#child abuse warn #abuse warn #harry potter spoilers warn #boku no hero spoilers #like REAL BIG spoilers for later Hero Academia stuff!#this is not a character hate post and i will block judiciously #elk has feelings

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kebun-ceri · 7 years

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Bonjour.

Hey. How’s everybody doing? It’s been a while and I gotta say that I’ve been missing this platform so much. Too much actually.

Today, gather you folks my (probably) non-existent followers here to announce that I am.................not having a baby. LOL. Yea, that picture attached above? I just had a sonogram because I’m getting excessive bleeding apart from my menstruation. That sucks.

So, just like any other health problems that I suffered usually, it derives from two things: stress and lack of exercise.

To my defense, UM WHO ON EARTH HAVE TIME FOR TIME FOR EXERCISING IN THIS FAST PACE WORLD? Everyone but me, probably. I just....of all the things I can give up to make room for my acclaimed packed schedules, it just had to be exercise. I don’t know why I have to be so hesitant about investing my time to exercise. It has been decided unilaterally by me that it’s just not my thing, and yet most of my health issues derived from that. My bad.

The second thing, which didn’t catch me off guard, is the stress. I mean, the majority of my problems are probably derived from that. Well, who wouldn’t with the current situation of my life right now. As much as I want to be grateful and positive, it is a mess.

I’ve been working at the law firm that i am in currently for a year now. And I can tell you, I am stressed out. It might not the busiest law firm on the block, but it has pressure just as much. And to me, it’s not worth it. Not when you’re just a junior level but being trusted to handle a big project which you or anyone else involved are lack of experiences to that. Not when you handle a project which the counterpart themselves are not cooperative and you are left confused over every single thing. Not when you are given a task, which you have no experience at all, and your work considered a presentable piece and you were blamed when it’s not. I can list down the whole things that went wrong with what I consider as my occupation. I don’t blame the institution for being a newly established firm, everybody has to start somewehere anyway. But the confusing system and the unclear command are what make it seems irrelevant. I am tired. First few months were okay, but after a year it exhausts me. I blame how greedy I was for being employed just because my other friends already did. This is what I always feared of: not enjoying what I am doing. And now it happens. Not all the blames shall be credited to the said firm. My lack of passion in doing my job has also playing the biggest role to that. I am thinking of resigning and even told my mom about that. But the fear of being unemployed has haunted me ever since I decided to do so. But staying there also not the best option. In short, either way I’m screwed.

The family situation is also not really in the best condition. Well, it usually isn’t anyway. My parents are not the people who will got my back immediately before being a judgemntal people. Yes, as much as i am grateful to have them, they’re not the best people to live with. If I bound to some kind of problems, difficulties, or failure in my life, they’re the ones who will put the blame on me instead of asking, “what happened?”. They will be accusing me of a long list of why I encountered problems like, “This is because you missed praying”, “This is because you hang out too much.”, “This is because you are this or that...”. Some are make sense, some are irrelevant. Like today, when the doctor gave me verdict that my bleeding was caused by stress and PROBABLY lack of exercise, you know what my mom said (yes, this is not interrogative sentence). “It’s because you sleep all the time.” How did I sleeping all the time when I work from 8-5 and yes I took time to sleep more on the weekend because I got lack of sleep on weekdays? And for a woman who had experienced a kid with autism sympton, doesn’t she aware that depression leads a person to get more sleep? She doesn’t even questioning on why I feel stressed. Oh, she really doesn’t have to when being in the family itself is the cause of my stress. Not to mention, when explained to my dad that the probability I always failed to get employed by big companies were due to my personal quality resulted from psychological tests. And he said, “Keep trying!”. Yes, and what if I got fired afterwards? What if they found something wrong with me? WHAT IF I WAS A PSYCHO? Ya Allah...how am i going to resign after this?

I don’t know what phase in my life I am going through right now, but it’s tough man. They said, do not search for happiness. Make one. And I did. But it didn’t last long. Deep down I always know that the only source of happiness is God, but He also capable of turn everything upside down. So I don’t know what to do. When I’m happy, I also afraid it will be taken away. When I’m sad, I work so hard looking for happiness. It’s an endless cycle and it drained me out.

Well, I feel bad for sharing such negative writing because it spreads negative vibe too. But writing has always been my kind of stress reliever and I couldn’t stop ask myself why did I stop doing so these past year. In addition, with the smaller friends circle and having almost nobody to talk to except Allah SWT, I guess this is a good way to start over again. So, thank you tumblr for always being my space.

And for whoever out there who experience the same problems as I do, I hope you find strength. Adios.

#lifelovewhatever #lovelifewhatever #life

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kuriquinn · 7 years

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Metamorphosis

Summary: It’s been four years since Sarada quietly, haltingly confessed to Sasuke and Sakura over dinner that she – he – was not a girl. [Day 13 – Prompt: “It’s A Boy” ]

Disclaimer: This story utilises characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelisations, comics or short stories is intended by KuriQuinn in any way, shape or form. This fan-oriented story is written solely for the author's own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

All plot and Original Characters except for those introduced in the canon books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn. (© KuriQuinn 2016- )

Rating: T

General Warnings: I can’t believe I need to have a warning for this, but we live in a time where people can be horrid little monsters. There are LGBTQ themes in this story. There is a transgender character, and the story deals with some of concerns and difficulties that families, especially parents, of a transgender child deal with. If you are uncomfortable with this subject matter in anyway, you are welcome to click the “back” button and wait around for my next prompt. Nasty comments about my choice in subject matter will be ignored, and possibly mocked.

Trigger Warning: For those of you who actually are LGBTQ, this story may bring up some strong emotions. The person who proofread this for me had some difficulty reading this chapter as it hit on some of his own experiences and challenges coming out as transgender. He made sure I knew how important it was to tag this appropriately. Though he said this story was well-written, as someone who had dealt with the scenario personally, he didn’t like it. So if you have experienced something in your life where you are caused distress by reading about parents trying to come to terms with their transgender child do not read this story. I don’t want to cause mental anguish or reopen wounds that some of you might not have had a chance to heal yet.

Author’s Note: The minute I saw this prompt I knew this was the story I was going to write. There aren’t enough fics out there dealing with transgender kids coming out, and even fewer about what the parents (even the most supportive ones) go through behind closed doors. I’ve done my best to be delicate with the subject without sacrificing any of my usual style choices. Obviously, not every experience is the same from individual to individual, but I made every effort. And just to head off any comments about my own personal stand on the matter: I support transgender individuals and their rights. I believe that it is your mind and your soul that determines who you are, not your genitals. And while I am not perfect, and I still occasionally slip up with pronouns and accidentally say things which show my privilege as a cisgender woman, I stand by the transgender community. Especially in this time, when hatred and outrage are directed at across the entire world. The views expressed in this story are not all necessarily mine – in fact, there are several ideas that were difficult for me to put to paper, because I very much don’t agree with them. But based on my research, for good or ill, they are sentiments that have been expressed by parents when a child comes out. I only hope I have managed to treat the subject matter with respect and possibly given you, my readers, something to think on. I’m hoping to showcase that even the people we care deeply for (whether real or imaginary) can do some things we don’t necessarily like or agree with. Doing the right thing is not always as easy, and some people find it harder than others, but in the end it is worth it. No one should weight their personal discomforts or prejudices against another person’s happiness and right to thrive.

Beta Reader: Sakura’s Unicorn

Sasuke stares up at the large, draping banner in his living room which proclaims, ‘Happy Birthday!’. Bunches of blue helium balloons meander along the ceiling, nearly obscuring the clock that ticks closer and closer to the inevitable. He has to consciously rein in the desire to set it all on fire.

He hates parties. Always has, always will. Even knowing that this is for his kid isn’t much of an incentive to relax; he finds that hard to do even under normal circumstances. Naruto would say that that’s because he’s got a pole shoved up his ass, but then, Naruto’s judgement is questionable. It’s been questionable since childhood, the JSDF, their tour of duty in Iraq, and then their stint on the Okayama Bomb Squad seven years ago which resulted in both of them losing an arm.

Then again, his questionable judgement is also the reason Sasuke is even alive to have a kid— whom he’s throwing a ridiculous, superhero-themed birthday party for—in the first place, so he gets a pass.

This time.

The entire foyer is decorated with streamers and decals of the latest comic craze to hit television. Little cape-clad figures proudly proclaiming, “It’s a Boy!” are interspersed along the wall. Honestly, it’s utterly kitschy and targeted for a much younger demographic than an eleven-year-old, but then, today isn’t an ordinary birthday.

It’s been four years since Sarada quietly, haltingly confessed to Sasuke and Sakura over dinner that she—he—was not a girl. It was an announcement that, Sasuke maintains, caused him considerable confusion and, if he’s not lying, a little resentment.

He comes from a traditional background. His ancestors were samurai of note and, in their small community of Konoha, the Uchiha name means a lot—an old, founding family with traditions and taboos and expectations. These “LGBTQ issues” that his wife and child keep talking about falls very naturally under the umbrella of what Sasuke was brought up to categorise as “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

It’s an unspoken rule that men and women among the Uchiha may take lovers of the same sex if they wish as long as they fulfil their duties to the clan: namely, get married and produce children. Hell, his own brother’s been in a twenty-year relationship with a male masseuse, but Itachi still had the prudence to get married and produce two kids first.

The point is, it’s not talked about.

It is how everything has always been done. And in just the same way, among his family, members of the Uchiha play the role they are assigned by birth. A man has his place, as does a woman. The idea of operating outside of those very separate spheres, let alone the idea of a man being born into the body of a woman, is nonsensical to him.

To say Sasuke had instant reservations would be putting it lightly.

If he were a man of a different temperament—a man like his father—his first instinct would be to point out the impossibility of the situation, and if that failed, attempt to find some counsel to get his child over it. A very, very small part of him continues to be tempted to do just that.

The other part—the one who has travelled the world and been exposed to many different lifestyles, the one who has struggled with his own demons (both addiction and the trauma of active combat), the one who married one of the most open-minded women in existence—that part tells him to keep his fucking mouth shut and go along with it for the sake of his family.

If it weren’t for Sakura, he doesn’t think he could manage it.

His wife reacted to the announcement with the same sympathy and openness he’s seen her display at every major milestone—like the time Sarada shamefacedly admitted to needing glasses, or when their Uchiha cousins throw around insults about “commoner blood.” In every case, Sakura is always the calm and comforting one, the one ending her assurances with, “We love you, no matter what.”

In her usual whirlwind manner, after hearing Sarada’s announcement, she made it her personal mission to ensure their child’s needs were met completely. Because of the nature of her job, she was already very knowledgeable about it all, to the point of being matter-of-fact.

“The important thing here is to show that we support him from the beginning, no matter what,” she insisted.

Suddenly, the house was filled with every book written on the subject, and every other day, she was on the phone with some expert or other. For four years, she organised psychological and psychiatric consultations, fought for an official diagnosis of gender identity disorder, had them attend individual and family counselling sessions as well as meetings with a sexologist, and schooled Sasuke in the usage of proper pronouns.

And woe betide anyone—friends or even family members—who questioned her decision to support Sarada. There’s a reason that Sasuke’s family, with the exception of Itachi, will be conspicuously absent from today’s festivities.

It’s another one of Sakura’s ideas, a formal show of support, as Sarada has decided the time is right to live as a boy from now on.

They’ve told a select few people, with Sarada’s permission, over the years—the respective grandparents, Naruto and Kakashi and their families, Sarada’s teachers and best friend ChōChō—but today is the official “coming out.” Sakura was seconds from taking out an ad in the damned newspaper before Sasuke and Sarada stopped her.

He wonders if there’s such a thing as being too supportive.

“How are you doing with all this?”

Sasuke glances to one side, notices Kakashi eyeing him knowingly. His former bomb squad captain and mentor is always observant. Today is one of those days Sasuke wishes he wasn’t.

“Fine,” he replies neutrally, taking a sip of tea. He isn’t actually thirsty, but he just needs something to occupy his hand and mouth.

“And Sarada?”

“Fine.”

Kakashi sighs in annoyance. “Is there any point in asking how Sakura’s doing?”

They both glance through the door to the kitchen, where Sasuke’s wife is fighting with Ino about pretzel-to-chip ratios (“Don’t you dare fuck up my child’s birthday party, Pig!” “You’re the one who can’t manage proper place settings for shit, Forehead!”).

“She’s in her element,” he replies simply.

“Man, I’ve got so much respect for you guys,” Naruto says with a low whistle, and then takes a chug of his beer. “I don’t even know what I’d do if it were my kid.”

Sasuke rolls his eyes. “You’d be doing the same thing I’m doing, moron. Only with more panicking and oversharing.”

“Very funny,” Naruto replies with a scowl, but then his face relaxes into earnestness. “I’m not so sure. I mean, yeah, in theory, I’d like to say I would, but in reality… It’s just weird. I mean, one day, you have Sarada and the next day…well, the next day, you have him.”

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Sasuke replies shortly.

Any further rumination on the topic is cut off when the doorbell rings.

“I’ve got it!” Sakura sings, flying from the kitchen to greet their first guests.

“Shouldn’t Sarada get the door?” he inquires. “It’s his party, after all.”

“He’s busy. ChōChō said something about a surprise,” his wife answers, hauling open the door and exclaiming her delight at the first guests.

Sasuke sighs, squares his shoulders, and prepares for the longest afternoon of his life.

うちは

The atmosphere at the beginning of the party is pleasant, but there is a definite undercurrent of curiosity and uncertainty beneath the requisite excitement.

When Hinata arrives with Boruto and Himawari, the latter chirps a sunny hello to Sasuke and bounds upstairs to find Sarada. As in all things, Naruto’s youngest is utterly unaffected by the whole matter. To her, life is simple: yesterday, it was sunny; today, it’s overcast.

Sarada was a girl, now he’s a boy.

In contrast, Boruto skulks in, glowers at everyone, and sits in the farthest corner with his handheld gaming device. Naruto scowls at him, and when Sasuke raises an eyebrow, he shrugs, and confides in a low voice, “He’s having some trouble adjusting. Sarada’s his best friend. Even knowing this was coming…I don’t think he actually thought it would.”

Neither of them mention the fact that Naruto’s son has always had a crush on Sarada, and that this complication might be a major part of his resentment.

Besides, Sasuke has more to concern himself with, not the least of which is the minor heart-attack he has when his daugh—his son—makes a grand entrance about half an hour later, ChōChō and Himawari beaming smugly on either side.

Sarada has shorn off his long hair and bangs, leaving nothing but spiky black bristles. The horn-rimmed glasses he’s sported since childhood have been replaced with a thick, squared rim. And even though Sasuke hasn’t seen Sarada in anything resembling a dress since the age of three, the sight of loose-fitting khaki shorts and a dark blue polo are a bit jarring.

It’s like looking at himself when he was eleven.

“Oh, darling!” Sakura swoops in, tackle-hugging Sarada from behind and pressing a kiss against his temple.

“Mom, you’re choking me!” their beleaguered offspring complains, but Sasuke can tell it’s just an act. Sarada is pleased by the contact.

“Doesn’t he look great?” Sakura exclaims as they watch Sarada head over to a group of friends and cheer about the pile of waiting presents.

“Sh—He cut his hair,” Sasuke points out through gritted teeth. “Why does he need to cut his hair?”

“It’s his way of asserting his masculinity.”

“There’s nothing masculine or feminine about hair,” he protests. “None of the men in my family have cut their hair, unless they were in the service. Itachi’s is practically down to his ass, and he’s got flee-on-sight warrants in three different jurisdictions.”

Sakura’s face is set in that particular way—the “if you don’t shut up I will grab you by the short-and-curlies and twist” look he only sees when he’s doing something socially unacceptable.

In a quieter voice, Sasuke adds, “Isn’t this the sort of thing that requires parental consent?”

“It is, and we’ll discuss it with him later, after his friends have gone home,” his wife says crisply, returning to the kitchen before Ino sets it on fire.

Naruto gives him a knowing look and Sasuke snaps, “What?”

“Nothing. I just find it interesting that you’re getting upset about ancient Uchiha hair traditions. Are you sure there isn’t anything you want to talk about?”

“You’re the one who feels the need to emote everywhere. Go do that somewhere else.”

His best friend sighs and meanders away, knowing better than to push. Kakashi exhales a weary laugh and says, “For what it’s worth, I think he improved on your look. Your hair always reminded me of the back-end of a duck.”

Which Sasuke doesn’t even dignify with an answer. Instead, he wanders over to the dining room table, which has been lovingly decorated with every type of junk-food offering and warehouse-sized plate of fruit imaginable, and resentfully begins picking through it.

Across the room, Sarada is having a blast.

He takes great glee in opening presents, laughing uproariously over stereotypically boy gifts. Occasionally, he shoots a glance up at his father, showing off a video game or football gear, and rolling his eyes which makes Sasuke’s heart lift a little. Just because he’s a boy doesn’t mean Sarada fits a particular mould—it’s a relief to know he’ll still probably want Sasuke to show him proper kendo form, instead of attending some brutish sports rally.

Throughout the party, Sarada’s friends are curious but open, most of them already knowing the specifics, while some still ask questions. When anything gets too close to inappropriate – such as whether Sarada intends to get surgery—Sakura is there to swoop in with small, yet pointed reminders.

“That’s a rather personal question, Yodo. If he wanted you to know that, he would tell you.”

In his corner, Boruto pretends not to listen in, but the scowl on his face isn’t as pronounced. The parents are more quiet in their curiosity; these are all old family friends, and more than one of them owes Sakura in some way. No one will say anything unkind here, and once Itachi shows up with Shisui in tow, no one will dare think it, either.

But it still makes Sasuke nervous, having to stand there and answer questions or hear comments about matters that he doesn’t truly understand himself. If his wife wasn’t so busy playing the hostess, she could be making infantile conversation, instead of him.

Somehow, the time does pass, and they eventually get to the point in festivities when Sakura and her mother carry in a huge chocolate cake, and the din becomes overwhelming. It’s amusing how a bunch of kids who insist they be treated like adults turn feral when sweets are introduced into the equation.

Sarada waits until everyone has finished a horrifying rendition of the birthday song to stand up and call for silence.

“I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for coming by today,” he says. “And for all the cool gifts. And I really want to thank my Mom and Dad for doing this because it’s been awesome.” He beams at them, and Sasuke feels Sakura appear beside him, leaning into his side. “I also wanted to share something with you guys because it is my birthday. It’s a pretty huge deal for me, and you all mean a lot to me, so I wanted you to be the first to know.”

He shifts nervously.

“So…when I was little, I asked my Mom why they called me Sarada. It’s kind of a weird name.”

“Yeah, they basically called you salad,” Boruto grumbles.

“Fuck you, Bolt.”

“Language!” Sakura snaps, her voice like a whip-crack. Every kid in the vicinity, and some parents, wince.

“Sorry, Mom,” Sarada says, ducking his head penitently before continuing on. “Anyway, Mom told me how she and Dad came up with the name. It’s made up of parts of their names, and my Uncle Itachi’s—who, if you guys don’t know, is brilliant and could probably make James Bond cry like a girl.”

Over in the corner, stuffing his face with dango, Itachi waves a stick in acknowledgement of the compliment.

“And the thing is… even though it’s a cool name, and I’m honoured to be named after these three people, it never really felt like my name. I knew I was going to have to leave it behind someday,” he continues solemnly. “It’s been a hard decision. I never really brought it up with my parents because, well, they’ve been so focussed on helping me through all of the other stuff. It never seemed like the right time. Besides, it’s been hard finding something that fit. And I didn’t want to completely forget what went in to naming me the first time, so I decided on something that still keeps alive the spirit of what my parents thought of.” He takes a deep breath. “From now on, I would prefer if you all called me Sachiro.”

It’s the first time either Sasuke or Sakura have heard the new name, even if it has been discussed.

The cheers and clapping from the guests wash over Sasuke, who flashes back to that day eleven years ago, when he and Sakura were debating names. They hadn’t been able to agree on anything in the months leading up to the birth, and now it mattered, and neither of them could think of something fitting.

He recalls how she looked, flushed and exhausted from giving birth, but so obviously happy. Her tentative suggestion of naming the baby after them both, and Itachi, who was the only reason the Uchiha family had accepted Sakura as Sasuke’s wife. How, at that moment, he couldn’t think of anything that was more appropriate.

The music and chatter seems to start up again tenfold, and Sasuke finds himself staring down into eyes that are the exact colour as his own.

“That’s okay, right, Dad?” his child asks quietly, and a little uncertain. “It’s a good name?”

Sasuke’s chest constricts a little, and he nods slowly. “Aa.”

Sara –Sachiro beams up at him. It’s the same brilliant, joyful smile of Sakura’s that Sasuke fell in love with, the same smile he’s seen when he read stories, visited the park, taught her—taught him—to swim and climb trees. Toothless, or beneath a scratched nose, or covered in mud.

A smile, he realises, that’s grown rarer over the years.

Sarada was always a little sullen, a little quiet and reserved. Sasuke always thought that sh—he—was just similar to the way Sasuke was as a kid. But right now, the way this boy beams and laughs and just exudes joy, Sasuke sees more of Sakura for the first time in almost a decade. There’s a joie de vivre there, a confidence and sense of self Sasuke has barely felt.

And the idea that he could be responsible for that smile or certainty disappearing, that’s the thing that convinces him, finally, that all of this is right. Whatever he personally feels, it’s no longer about just going along with it and humouring the situation as if it’s something that’s been done to him. It’s about his child’s happiness and frame of mind.

The realisation isn’t a happy one, per se, but it’s solid enough that Sasuke thinks he will make peace with it, eventually.

“Mom?” Sar—Sachiro is asking, bringing Sasuke back to the moment. “What do you think? It’s still got yours and Dad’s and Uncle Itachi’s name in it. I mean, the ending is a little different, but I thought—”

“It’s beautiful, sweetheart,” Sakura says, reaching out and brushing a hand over newly-shorn hair. There’s a warble of emotion in her voice as she says it, but when Sasuke glances down at her to check, she’s already pulled away. “I’m going to get plates for the cake, all right?”

Sachiro nods, grins one last time at them, and hurries back to his friends.

Sakura crosses the room, and Sasuke is concerned to notice a stiffness in her back that wasn’t there before. She makes a beeline for the kitchen, pausing only when intercepted by Tsunade, who she greets with a wide—and false—smile and accepts a nondescript plastic bag. As she continues to the kitchen, Sasuke sees her fist clenched around the handle, knuckles white and shaking.

He isn’t the only one to notice, either. Naruto watches Sakura disappear into the kitchen and shoots a questioning glance at Sasuke. They’ve all known each other since they were toddlers which means he knows as well as Sasuke when something is wrong. Without words, he communicates to his friend to keep an eye on things, and follows his wife.

うちは

He finds her standing over the sink, fingers clenching the metal, her shoulders shaking.

“Sakura?”

There’s a sharp inhale and she straightens up, throwing a glance over her shoulder. “Oh. Darling, you’re here. Did you need something?”

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing! Nothing. I’m just…cutting more onions for the dip.”

It’s an utterly different story from before, made all the more unbelievable by the fact that there are no onions anywhere in the house.

“Sakura…”

“Tsunade stopped by from the hospital,” she goes on, making a vague gesture toward the kitchen table. The plastic bag Sasuke saw earlier has been casually tossed there. “She knew we were so busy with everything, so she filled the prescription for the… for the blockers.”

Sasuke tenses, staring at the package with renewed understanding. They’ve had discussions in the past weeks, as Sarada grew closer and closer to making the official, full-time transition. There were mentions of intervening before the onset of puberty, recommendations from the psychiatrist to get started now while they wait for official permission to start him on testosterone injections, but—

Looking at the nondescript plastic bag, Sasuke can’t help a resurgence of his apprehension.

He knows it’s only a temporary measure; in theory, it’s like a pause button, a chance for Sachiro to be absolutely sure before any actual commitments are made. There are still many more milestones in the future; this one isn’t even the most important. But it still unnerves him. Judging from Sakura’s shakiness, she’s affected too, even though she tries to chat like normal.

“We can give them to h-him tonight, or…or maybe giftwrap them and add it to the present pile? It would be a nice surprise, I think…don’t you think?”

She sounds like she really wants his opinion on this, and he opens his mouth to agree, to disagree, to do something, but it feels like his tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth. He’s only just had his personal revelation on the subject. Before this, he’s kept himself out of any major decisions, and she’s aware of this. Why the hell does she want him involved in this one? She’s the one who’s been so keen on pursuing all of this, why—

There’s a sudden choking sob.

Before he can really parse what he’s seeing, Sakura’s face seems to crumple, her bright eyes and trembling smile imploding into a look of horror.

“What are we doing?” she whispers, and shaking fingertips go to her lips. “Oh, Sasuke, what are we doing? What if this is wrong? What if…” She emits a staggered sob. “People understand here, but what if she…what if he wants to go somewhere else. For college. For work. People can hurt him—you’ve read the stories in the paper. What if that happens to our…”

She trails off in a moan, and tears are now leaking from the corners of her eyes, her voice getting higher and more panicked in pitch.

“We’re rushing this—I feel like we’re rushing this—”

“Sakura…” he begins, reaching for her, but she evades his touch, pacing now.

“Sh-she said she needed this, and everything she asked for, everything she asked us to do, I did, but maybe we should have talked more first—four years isn’t that long, maybe…maybe it’s a mistake, maybe we’re not doing the right thing—”

“Sakura—”

“Why couldn’t she just be gay?” she whispers suddenly, rounding on him with wild eyes. In her panic, she is no longer able to use the correct pronouns. “This would…this would just be so much easier if she just liked girls, because then she…then we wouldn’t…”

“Didn’t you tell me it isn’t the same thing?” he asks, tentative and uncertain.

“I know it’s not!” she snaps, and then presses her fist against her mouth, stifling the uncontrollable sobs that now rack her body. “Did I do something wrong?”

“You did not do anything wrong,” he informs her, taking her by the shoulder now and squeezing in reassurance.

But his wife doesn’t seem to notice. Instead, she looks off into the distance.

“And the name,” she continues in a whisper. “I knew there would be a point when we…but…but Sarada was our miracle. She was our little g-girl and I’ll never get to say her n-name anymore. And she...didn’t even ask and I…I mean, is it…is it wrong that I should want a say in m-my own child’s name?”

Sasuke exhales, drawing Sakura into his arms and holding her close. “No.”

“I h-had a daughter, Sasuke,” she sobs into his shoulder. “I g-gave birth to a girl, and she was beautiful and w-wonderful and…and do you remember that first year? With the ladybug dress, and the s-strappy shoes?”

“I do.”

“And the way she would pretend her mattress was a magic carpet and ride it down the stairs, and I…I know we said we did this for her—him. We’re doing this for him, so he can be healthier and happier. And I’m trying my hardest to let h-him be who he is, but why…why does it feel like I’m killing her?”

The question is so raw, so wracked with pain, that for a split second, Sasuke wants to call everything off. His wife is hurting, and the event going on in the other room is causing it, and since he was seventeen years old, his life has revolved around ensuring the Sakura does not hurt.

But since he was twenty-two, his life has also revolved around ensuring his child does not hurt either.

He knows that if he walks in there now, telling everyone to return home—or even just calls Sa – Sachiro in and points out that his mother, the one who has been a pillar of support since the beginning, is having second thoughts, it will break him.

And his…his son is the kind of person who will accept a lifetime of misery if he thinks it will save someone he cares about a little pain. If it’s someone Sachiro loves with the same fierce devotion as he does Sakura, he’ll quietly go back into the closet and never say another word about it until his dying day.

And from the articles that Sasuke has read over his wife’s shoulder, that’s something that could come much sooner than later.

The idea is chilling.

Which is why it only takes another split second for Sasuke to pull out his phone and send a text to Kakashi and Naruto, both of whom are as protective of his child as he is and order them to keep everything running smoothly. Then he leads a still-shaking Sakura up the stairs to their room.

Shutting the door, he steers her to their bed and sits her down, then silently takes the place beside her. For a long while, he simply allows her to cry, holding her until she gets past the wordless, grief-filled sobs.

When he senses her coming back to herself, he takes up the conversation as if there was no break.

“You are not killing anyone,” he tells her quietly but firmly.

“But she’s still going to be gone,” Sakura says dully. “It’s almost worse.”

“You don’t mean that.”

She swallows. “No. I don’t. But I… Sometimes, I still feel like our daughter is…dead. And we’re supposed to replace her with this…this stranger.”

It is the first time Sasuke has heard his wife utter any of this, the first time he’s heard her insinuate that she is just as uncertain of this whole situation as he is, that she has doubts. And it’s the first time that he finds himself in the position where he has to be the one with the answers.

He has no idea what to do, but it’s clear silence is not the answer in this case.

Stick to the facts, he decides. He’s better at logic than emotion.

“That child downstairs is still our child,” he tells her firmly. “The child you carried inside you. Everything you love about that child is still there, whether we have a boy or a girl. And our son is happy which means we’re doing the right thing.”

Sakura sniffs. “You’re just saying that,” she mutters. “I know you haven’t been completely on board about this.”

“I haven’t,” he agrees. “I’m still not sure that I completely understand. But I do know that Sar—Sachiro is happy. And he’s safe. And protected. And accepted by his friends, our neighbours, and most of the town. And that’s because of you. He wouldn’t have even this much anywhere else. And if he were growing up the way I did, he wouldn’t have any of it. He would be miserable.”

“I know,” she whispers. “I know that, Sasuke. In my heart I know it, but every so often, right when I’m least expecting it, there’s just this moment. And I just feel it all—all over again. I can’t say anything, especially not to S-Sachiro. It would crush him. And if anyone else thought I wasn’t supporting him, maybe they’d stop supporting him, and—”

“Then you tell me,” Sasuke interrupts her.

She glances at him in surprise. “What?”

“You’re supposed to tell me these things,” he continues, dogged. “I can only guess you haven’t because you thought, if you wavered, I’d put a stop to this whole thing.”

“I-I didn’t mean to…”

“You might’ve been right,” he concedes. “But that was before. I’m also the only person in this whole situation who’s going through the same thing as you. From now on, you tell me when you’re feeling like this. It’s not healthy for you to keep it inside. Isn’t that what you say to me?”

“Sasuke…”

“Did you…want me to set up a meeting?” he suggests, tentatively because this next bit is definitely not his strong suit. “With the therapist?”

She sniffs, rubbing at her eyes. “Yeah. Yes. But I’ll make the appointment.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“You hate talking to therapists,” she points out.

“If you want me there, I’ll be there.”

“…I want you there.”

“Then that’s settled.”

They are silent for a while, just sitting quietly together, her ear pressed against his heart and his fingers stroking her hair in comfort. For just a few precious minutes, they can be two parents struggling with a change that has been a long time coming, but which neither has been truly prepared for.

Eventually, Sakura breaks the silence. “We should go back downstairs before we’re missed.”

“Hm.”

“If Sar—Sachiro comes looking for us, we’ll have some explaining to do.”

“You could take your top off. That would forestall any questions.”

“Sasuke!”

She smacks him a little more than lightly on the shoulder, but there’s a hint of her smile from earlier back on her face. He considers it a win.

“Do you think this will all turn out all right?” she asks, tentative. “He’ll be okay?”

“I don’t know. But I believe his chances are better if he’s secure in the knowledge that he has our support.”

“Yeah…” Sakura inhales a deep, shaky breath and squares her shoulders. “All right. Let’s go back down,” she says with only a little less of her usual certainty. She catches sight of herself in the bedroom mirror and frowns. “Everyone will know I was crying. I look horrible.”

“Don’t fish for compliments,” he tells her because they both know that he always finds her beautiful. He takes her by the hand and leads her from the room. “Besides, we can always say you were cutting onions.”

終わり

Apologies if I got anything horribly wrong, this was a difficult piece to write and I did my best to do so with the proper respect.

Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome, but if you feel like keeping me caffeinated out of the goodness of your heart, it certainly would be appreciated! I’m also starting to post original works to my patreon.

I’m only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the support of readers like you, so every bit helps!

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sasusakufestival · 7 years

Text

Metamorphosis

Summary: It’s been four years since Sarada quietly, haltingly confessed to Sasuke and Sakura over dinner that she – he – was not a girl. [Day 13 – Prompt: “It’s A Boy” ]

Disclaimer: This story utilizes characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz Media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelizations, comics or short stories is intended by the author in any way, shape or form. This fan oriented story is written solely for the author’s own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All fiction, plot and Original Characters with the exception of those introduced in the books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn and using them without permission is considered rude, in bad-taste and will reflect seriously on your credibility as a writer. Seriously, just don’t do it.

Trigger Warning: For those of you who actually are LGBTQ, this story may bring up some strong emotions. My best friend/surrogate brother/braintwin had some difficulty reading this chapter for me and as it hit on some of his own experiences and challenges coming out as transgender. He made sure I knew how important it was to tag this appropriately. Though he said this story was well-written, as someone who had dealt with the scenario personally, he didn’t like it. So if you have experienced something in your life where you are caused distress by reading about parents trying to come to terms with their transgender child do not read this story. I don’t want to cause mental anguish or reopen wounds that some of you might not have had a chance to heal yet.

Author’s Note: The minute I saw this prompt I knew this was the story I was going to write. There aren’t enough fics out there dealing with transgender kids coming out, and even fewer about what the parents (even the most supportive ones) go through behind closed doors. I’ve done my best to be delicate with the subject without sacrificing any of my usual style choices. Obviously, not every experience is the same from individual to individual, but I made every effort. And just to head off any comments about my own personal stand on the matter: I support transgender individuals and their rights. I believe that it is your mind and your soul that determines who you are, not your genitals. And while I am not perfect, and I still occasionally slip up with pronouns and accidentally say things which show my privilege as a cisgender woman, I stand by the transgender community. Especially in this time, when hatred and outrage are directed at across the entire world. The views expressed in this story are not all necessarily mine – in fact, there are several ideas that were difficult for me to put to paper, because I very much don’t agree with them. But based on my research, for good or ill, they are sentiments that have been expressed by parents when a child comes out. I only hope I have managed to treat the subject matter with respect and possibly given you, my readers, something to think on. You may not like Sasuke in this story. You may not like Sakura. That’s okay. I’m hoping to showcase that even the people we care deeply for (whether real or imaginary) can do some things we don’t necessarily like or agree with. Doing the right thing is not always as easy, and some people find it harder than others, but in the end it is worth it. No one should weight their personal discomforts or prejudices against another person’s happiness and right to thrive.

______________________________________________

Sasuke stares up at the large, draping banner in his living room while bunches of blue helium balloons meander along the ceiling, nearly obscuring the clock that ticks closer and closer to the inevitable. He has to consciously rein in the desire to set it all on fire.

He hates parties. Always has, always will. Even knowing that this is for his kid isn’t much of an incentive to relax, because he finds that hard to do under normal circumstances.

Naruto would say that that’s because he’s got a pole shoved up his ass, but then, Naruto’s judgement is questionable. It’s been that way since childhood, JSDF, Iraq and then the stint in the Okayama bomb squad seven years ago which resulted in them both losing an arm.

Then again, his questionable judgement is also the reason Sasuke was even alive to having a kid and throw ridiculous, superhero themed birthday parties in the first place, so he gets a pass.

This time.

The entire foyer has been decorated with streamers and decals of the latest comic craze to hit television. Interspersed along the wall are little cape-clad figures proudly proclaiming, “It’s a Boy!”.

Honestly, it’s utterly kitschy and targeted for a much younger demographic than an eleven-year-old, but then, today isn’t an ordinary birthday.

It’s been four years since Sarada quietly, haltingly confessed to Sasuke and Sakura over dinner that she – he – was not a girl. It was an announcement which, Sasuke maintains, caused him considerable confusion and, if he’s not lying, a little resentment.

He comes from a traditional background. His ancestors were samurai of note, and the Uchiha name means a lot in their small community of Konoha. An old, founding family with traditions and taboos and expectations. The idea of these “LGBTQ issues” that his wife and child keep talking about falls very naturally under the umbrella of what Sasuke was brought up to categorise as “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

Men and women among the Uchiha may take lovers of the same sex if they wish, as long as they fulfil their duties to the clan: namely get married and produce children. Hell, his own brother has been in a twenty-year relationship with a male masseuse, but Itachi still had the wherewithal to get married and produce two kids first.

The point is, it’s not talked about.

To say Sasuke had instant reservations would be putting it lightly.

If he were a man of a different temperament – a man like his father – his first instinct would be to point out to his child the impossibility of the situation, and if that failed, attempt to find some counsel to get over it. A very, very small part of him continues to be tempted to do just that. The other part – the one that has travelled the world and been exposed to many different lifestyles, the one who has struggled with his own demons, both addiction and the trauma of active combat, the one who married one of the most open-minded women in existence –

That part tells him to keep his fucking mouth shut and go along with it for the sake of his family.

If it weren’t for Sakura, he doesn’t think he could manage it.

His wife reacted to the announcement with the same sympathy and open-mindedness he’s seen her display at every major milestone, like the time Sarada shamefacedly admitted to perhaps needing glasses or when some of their Uchiha cousins throw around insults about “commoner blood”. In every case, Sakura is always the calm and comforting one, the one ending her assurances with, “We love you no matter what.”

“No matter what, the important thing here is to show that we support him from the beginning,” she insisted.

Suddenly the house was filled with every book possibly written on the subject, and every other day she was on the phone with some expert or other. For four years, she organised psychological and psychiatric consultations, fought for an official diagnosis of gender identity disorder, had them attend individual and family counselling sessions, schooled Sasuke in using the proper pronouns, had them all meet with a sexologist –

And woe betide anyone – friends or even family members – who questioned her decision to support Sarada. There’s a reason that Sasuke’s family, with the exception of Itachi, will be conspicuously absent from today’s festivities.

It’s another one of Sakura’s ideas, a formal show of support, as Sarada has decided the time is right to live as a boy from now on.

They have told a select few people, with Sarada’s permission, over the years – the respective grandparents, Naruto and Kakashi and their families, Sarada’s teachers and her best friend ChoCho – but today is the official “coming out”. Sakura was seconds from taking out an ad in the damned newspaper before Sasuke and Sarada stopped her.

He wonders if there’s such a thing as being too supportive.

“How are you doing with all this?”

Sasuke glances to one side, notices Kakashi eyeing him knowingly. His former bomb squad captain and mentor is always observant. Today is one of those days Sasuke wishes he wasn’t.

“Fine,” he replies neutrally, taking a sip of tea. He isn’t actually thirsty, but he just needs something to occupy his hand and mouth.

“And Sarada?”

“Fine.”

Kakashi sighs in annoyance. “Is there any point to asking how Sakura’s doing?”

“She’s in her element,” he replies simply.

“Man, I’ve got so much respect for you guys,” Naruto says with a low whistle, and then takes a chug of his own beer. “I don’t even know what I’d do if it were my kid.”

Sasuke rolls his eyes. “You’d be doing the same thing I’m doing, moron. Only more panicking and oversharing.”

“Very funny,” Naruto replies with a scowl, but then his face relaxes into earnestness. “I’m not so sure. I mean, yeah, in theory I’d like to say I would, but in reality… It’s just weird. I mean, one day, you have Sarada, and the next day…well, the next day you have him.”

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Sasuke replies shortly.

Any further rumination on the topic is cut off when the doorbell rings.

“I’ve got it!” Sakura sings, flying from the kitchen to greet their first guests.

“Shouldn’t Sarada get the door?” he inquires. “It’s his party, after all.”

“He’s busy. ChoCho said something about a surprise,” his wife answers, hauling open the door and exclaiming her delight at the first guests.

Sasuke sighs, squares his shoulders, and prepares for the longest afternoon of his life.

うちは

The atmosphere in the beginning of the party is pleasant, but there is a definite undercurrent of curiosity and uncertainty beneath the requisite excitement.

When Hinata arrives with Boruto and Himawari, the latter chirps a sunny hello to Sasuke and bounds upstairs to find Sarada. As in all things, she is utterly unaffected by the whole mater. To her, life is simple: yesterday it was sunny, today it’s overcast.

Sarada was a girl, now he is a boy.

In contrast, Boruto skulks in, glowers at everyone, and goes to sit in the farthest corner with his handheld gaming device. Naruto scowls at him, and when Sasuke raised an eyebrow, he shrugs, and confides in a low voice, “He’s having some trouble adjusting. Sarada’s his best friend. Even knowing this was coming…I don’t think he actually thought it would.”

Neither of them mention the fact that Naruto’s son has always had a crush on Sarada, and that this complication might be a major part of his resentment.

Besides, Sasuke has more to concern himself with, not least of all the minor heart-attack he has when his d – his son – makes a grand entrance about half an hour later, with ChoCho and Himawari beaming smugly on either side.

Sarada has shorn off his long hair and bangs, leaving nothing but spiky black bristles. The horn-rimmed glasses he has sported since childhood have been replaced with a thick, squared rim. And even though Sasuke hasn’t seen Sarada in anything resembling a dress since the age of three, the sight of loose-fitting khaki shorts and dark blue polo are a bit jarring.

It’s like looking at himself when he was eleven.

“Oh, darling!” Sakura swoops over, tackle-hugging Sarada from behind and pressing a kiss against his temple.

“Mom, you’re choking me!” their beleaguered offspring complains, but Sasuke can tell it’s just an act. He’s pleased by the contact.

“Doesn’t he look great?” Sakura exclaims as they watch Sarada head over to a group of friends and cheer about the pile of waiting presents.

“Sh – He cut his hair,” Sasuke points out through gritted teeth. “Why does he need to cut his hair?”

“It’s his way of asserting his masculinity.”

“There’s nothing masculine or feminine about hair,” he protests. “None of the men in my family have cut their hair unless they were in service. Itachi’s is practically down to his ass, and he’s got flee on-sight-warrants in three different jurisdictions.”

Sakura’s face is set in that particular way – the “if you don’t shut up I will grab you by the short-and-curlies-and-twist” look he only sees when he’s doing something socially unacceptable.

In a quieter voice, Sasuke adds, “Isn’t this the sort of thing that requires parental consent?”

“It is, and we’ll discuss it with him later after his friends have gone home,” his wife says crisply, returning to the kitchen before Ino sets it on fire.

Naruto gives him a knowing look, and Sasuke snaps, “What?”

“Nothing. I just find it interesting that you’re getting upset about ancient Uchiha hair traditions. Are you sure there isn’t anything you want to talk about?”

“You’re the one who feels the need to emote everywhere. So go do that somewhere else.”

His best friend sighs at that, and meanders away, knowing better than to push. Kakashi exhales a weary laugh and says, “For what it’s worth, I think he improved on your look. Your hair always reminded me of the back-end of a duck.”

Across the room, Sarada is having a blast.

He takes great glee in opening presents, laughing uproariously over stereotypically boy gifts. Occasionally he shoots a glance up at his father, showing off a video game or football gear, and rolling his eyes, which makes Sasuke’s heart life a little. Just because he’s a boy doesn’t mean Sarada fits a particular mould – it’s a relief to know he’ll still probably want Sasuke to show him proper kendo form instead of attending some brutish sports rally.

Throughout the party, Sarada’s friends are curious but open, most of them already knowing the specifics, while some still ask questions. When anything gets too close to inappropriate – such as whether Sarada intends to get surgery – Sakura is there to swoop in with small, yet pointed reminders.

“That’s a rather personal question, Shinki. If he wanted you to know that, he would tell you.”

In his corner, Boruto pretends not to listen in, but the scowl on his face isn’t as pronounced. The parents are more quiet in their curiosity – these are all old family friends, and more than one of them owes Sakura in some way. No one will say anything unkind here, and once Itachi shows up with Shisui in tow, no one will dare think it either.

Somehow, the time does pass, and they eventually get to the point in festivities when Sakura and her mother carry in a huge chocolate cake, and the din becomes overwhelming. It’s amusing how a bunch of kids that insist they be treated like adults turn feral when sweets are introduced to the equation.

Sarada waits until everyone has finished a horrifying rendition of the birthday song, and then stands up and calls for silence.

“I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for coming by today,” he says. “And for all the cool gifts. And I really want to thank my Mom and Dad for doing this, because it’s been awesome.” He beams at them, and Sasuke feels Sakura appear beside him, leaning into his side. “I also wanted to share something with you guys, because it is my birthday. It’s a pretty huge deal for me, and you all mean a lot to me, so I wanted you to be the first to know.”

He shifts nervously.

“So…when I was little, I asked my Mom why they called me ‘Sarada’. It’s kind of weird name.”

“Yeah, they basically called you “salad”,” Boruto grumbles.

“Fuck you, Bolt.”

“Language!” Sakura snaps, her voice like a whip-crack. Every kid in the vicinity, and some parents, wince.

“Sorry, Mom,” Sarada says, ducking his head penitently before continuing on. “Anyway, Mom told me how she and Dad came up with the name. That it’s made up of parts of their names, and my Uncle Itachi – who, if you guys don’t know, is brilliant and could probably make James Bond cry like a girl.”

Over in the corner, stuffing his face with dango, Itachi waves a stick in acknowledgement of the compliment.

“And the thing is… even though it’s a cool name, and I’m honoured to be named after these three people, it never really felt like my name. I knew I was going to have to leave it behind someday,” he continues solemnly. “It’s been a hard decision. I never really brought it up with my parents because, well, they’ve been so focussed on helping me through all of the other stuff. It never seemed like the right time. Besides, it’s has been hard finding something that fit. And I didn’t want to completely forget what went in to naming me the first time, so I decided on something that still keeps the spirit of what my parents thought of alive.” He takes a deep breath. “From now on, I would prefer if you all called me Sachiro.”

It’s the first time either he or Sakura have heard the new name, even if it has been discussed.

The cheers and clapping from the guests wash over Sasuke, who flashes back to that day, eleven years ago, when he and Sakura were debating names. They hadn’t been able to agree on anything in the months leading up to the birth, and now it mattered, and neither of them could think of something fitting.

How she looked, flushed and exhausted from giving birth, but so obviously happy. Her tentative suggestion of naming the baby after them both, and Itachi, who was the only reason the Uchiha family had accepted Sakura as Sasuke’s wife. How at that moment, he couldn’t think of anything that was more appropriate.

The music and chatter seems to start up again tenfold, and Sasuke finds himself staring down into eyes that are the exact colour of his own.

“That’s okay, right, Dad?” his child ask quietly, and a little uncertain. “It’s a good name?”

Sasuke’s chest constricts a little, and he nods slowly. “Hm.”

Sara – Sachiro – beams up at him. It’s the same brilliant, joyful smile of Sakura’s that Sasuke fell in love with, the same smile he has seen when he read stories, visited the park, taught her – taught him – to swim and climb trees. Toothless, or beneath a scratched nose, or covered in mud.

A smile, he realises not, that grew rarer over the years.

Sarada has always been a little sullen, a little quiet and reserved. Sasuke always thought that she – he –was just similar to the way he was when he was a kid. But right now, the way this boy beams and laughs and just exudes joy, Sasuke sees more of Sakura for the first time in almost a decade. There’s a joie de vivre there, a confidence and sense of self Sasuke has barely felt.

And the idea that he could be responsible for that smile or certainty disappearing, that’s the thing that convinces him, finally, that all of this is right. Whatever he personally feels, it’s no longer about just going along with it and humouring the situation, as if it’s something that has been done to him. It’s about his child’s happiness and frame of mind.

The realisation isn’t a happy one, per se, but it’s solid enough that Sasuke thinks he will make peace with it, eventually.

“Mom?” Sa – Sachiro is asking, bringing Sasuke back to the moment. “What do you think? It’s still got yours and Dad’s and Uncle Itachi’s name in it. I mean, the ending is a little different, but I thought –”

“It’s beautiful, sweetheart,” Sakura says, reaching out and brushing a hand over newly shorn hair. There’s a warble of emotion in her voice as she says it, but when Sasuke glances down at her to check, she’s already pulled away. “I’m going to go get plates for the cake, alright?”

Sachiro nods, grins one last time at them, and hurries back to his friends.

Sakura crosses the room, and Sasuke is concerned to notice a stiffness in her back that wasn’t there before. She makes a beeline for the kitchen, pausing only when intercepted by Tsunade, who she greets with a wide – And false, he notices smile – and accepts a nondescript plastic bag. As she continues to the kitchen, Sasuke sees her fist clenched around the handle, knuckles white and shaking.

He isn’t the only one to notice, either. Naruto watches Sakura disappear into the kitchen and shoots a questioning glance at Sasuke. They’ve all known each other since they were toddlers, which means he knows as well as Sasuke when something is wrong. Without words, Sasuke communicates to his friend to keep an eye on things, and follows his wife.

うちは

He finds her standing over the sink, fingers clenching the metal, her shoulders shaking.

“Sakura?”

There’s a sharp inhale and she straightens up, throwing a glance over her shoulder. “Oh, Sasuke, you’re here – did you need something?”

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing! Nothing, I’m just…cutting more onions for the dip.”

It’s an utterly different story from before, made all the more unbelievable by the fact that there are no onions anywhere in the house.

“Sakura…”

“Tsunade stopped by from the hospital,” she goes on, and makes a vague gesture to the kitchen table. The plastic bag Sasuke saw earlier has been casually tossed there. “She knew we were so busy with everything, so she filled the prescription for the… for the blockers.”

Looking at the nondescript plastic bag, Sasuke can’t help a resurgence of his apprehension.

He knows it’s only a temporary measure – in theory, it’s like a pause button, a chance for Sachiro to be absolutely sure before any actual commitments are made. There are still many more milestones in the future, this one isn’t even the most important.

But it still unnerves him; judging from Sakura’s shakiness, she is affected too, even though she tries to chat like normal.

“We can give them to h-him tonight, or…or maybe gift-wrap them, and add it to the present pile? It would be a nice surprise, I think…don’t you think?”

She sounds like she really wants his opinion on this, and he opens his mouth to agree, to disagree, to do something, but it feels like his tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth. He has only just had his personal revelation on the subject matter. Before this he’s kept himself out of any major decisions, and she’s aware of this. Why the hell does she want him involved in this one? She’s the one who has been so keen on pursuing all of this, why –

There’s a sudden choking sob.

Before he can really parse what he’s seeing, Sakura’s face seems to crumple, her bright eyes and trembling smile imploding into a look of horror.

“What are we doing?” she whispers, and shaking fingertips go to her lips. “Oh, Sasuke, what are we doing? What if this is wrong? What if…?” She emits a staggered sob. “People understand here, but what if she…what if he wants to go somewhere else. For college. For work. People can hurt him – you’ve read the stories in the paper, what if that happens to our…”

She trails off in a moan, and tears are now leaking from the corners of her eyes, her voice getting higher and more panicked in pitch.

“We’re rushing this – I feel like we’re rushing this –”

“Sakura…” he begins, reaching for her, but she evades his touch, pacing now.

“Sh-she said she needed this, and everything she asked for, everything she asked us to do, I did, but maybe we should have talked more first – four years isn’t that long, maybe…maybe it’s a mistake, maybe we’re not doing the right thing –”

“Sakura –”

“Why couldn’t she just be gay?” she cries suddenly, rounding on him with wild eyes. In her panic, she is no longer able to use the correct pronouns. “This would…this would just be so much easier if she just liked girls, because then she…then we wouldn’t…”

“Didn’t you tell me it isn’t the same thing?” he asks, tentative and uncertain.

“I know it’s not!” she snaps, and then presses her fist against her mouth, stifling the uncontrollable sobs that now rack her body. “Did I do something wrong?”

“You did not do anything wrong,” he informs her, taking her by the shoulder now and squeezing in reassurance.

But his wife doesn’t seem to notice, instead looks off into the distance.

“And the name,” she continues in a whisper. “I knew there would be a point when we…but…but Sarada was our miracle. She was our little g-girl and I’ll never get to say her n-name anymore, and she…didn’t even ask and I…I mean, is it…is it wrong that I should want a say in m-my own child’s name?”

Sasuke exhales, drawing Sakura into his arms and holding her close. “No.”

“I do.”

“And the way she would pretend her mattress was a magic carpet and ride it down the stairs, and I…I know we said we did this for her – him. We’re doing this for him, so he can be healthier, and happier and I’m trying my hardest to let h-him be who he is, but why…why does it feel like I’m killing her?”

The question is so raw, so wrecked with pain, that for a split second Sasuke wants to call everything off. His wife is hurting, and the event going on in the other room is causing it, and since he was seventeen, his life has revolved around ensuring the Sakura does not hurt.

But since he was twenty-two, his life has also revolved around ensuring his child does not hurt.

He knows that if he walks in there now, telling everyone to return home – or even just calls Sa – Sachiro in and points out that his mother – the one who has been a pillar of support since the beginning – is having second thoughts, it will break him. And his…his son is the kind of person that will accept a lifetime of misery if he thinks it will save someone he cares about a little pain.

If it’s someone Sachiro loves with the same fierce devotion as he does Sakura, he’ll quietly go back into the closet and never say another word about it until his dying day.

And from the articles that Sasuke has read over his wife’s shoulder, that’s something that could come much sooner than later.

The idea is chilling.

Which is why it only takes another split second for Sasuke to pull out his phone and send a text to Kakashi and Naruto – both of whom are as protective of his child as he is – and orders them to keep everything running smoothly. Then, he leads a still shaking Sakura up the stairs and back to their room.

Shutting the door, he leads her to their bed and sits her down, then silently takes the place beside her. For a long while, he simply allows her to cry, holding her until she gets past the wordless, grief-filled sobs.

When he senses her coming back to herself, he takes up the conversation as if there was no break.

“You are not killing anyone,” he tells her, quietly but firmly.

“But she’s still going to be gone,” Sakura says dully. “It’s almost worse.”

“You don’t mean that.”

She swallows. “No. I don’t. But I…sometimes, I still feel like our daughter is…dead. And we’re supposed to replace her with this…this stranger.”

It is the first time Sasuke has heard his wife utter any of this. The first time he has heard her insinuate that she is just as uncertain of this whole situation as he is, that she has doubts. And it’s the first time that he finds himself in the position where he has to be the one with the answers.

He has no idea what to do, but it’s clear silence is not the answer in this case.

Stick to the facts, he decides. He’s better at logic than emotion.

Sakura sniffs.

“You’re just saying that,” she mutters. “I know you haven’t been completely on board about this.”

“I haven’t,” he agrees. “I’m still not sure that I completely understand. But I do know that Sa – Sachiro is happy. And he’s safe. And protected. And accepted by his friends, our neighbours and most of the town, and that is because of you. He would not have even this much anywhere else. And if he were growing up the way I did, he wouldn’t have any of it. He would be miserable.”

“I know,” she whispers. “I know that, Sasuke, in my heart I know it, but every so often, right when I’m least expecting it, there’s just this moment. And I just feel it all, all over again. And I can’t say anything, especially not to S-Sachiro. It would crush him. And if anyone else thought I wasn’t supporting him, then maybe they’d stop supporting him, and –”

“Then you tell me,” Sasuke interrupts her.

She glances at him in surprise. “What?”

“You’re supposed to tell me these things,” he continues, dogged. “I can only guess you haven’t for that exact reason. You thought if you wavered, I’d put a stop to this whole thing.”

“I-I didn’t mean to…”

“You might have been right,” he concedes. “But that was before. I’m also the only person in this whole situation that is going through the same thing as you. From now on, you tell me when you’re feeling like this. It’s not healthy for you to keep it inside – isn’t that what you used to say to me?”

“Sasuke…”

“Did you…want to me to set up a meeting?” he suggests, tentatively, because this next bit is definitely not his strong point. “With the therapist?”

She sniffs, rubbing at her eyes. “Yeah. Yes. But I’ll make the appointment.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“You hate talking to therapists,” she points out.

“If you want me there, I’ll be there.”

“…I want you there.”

“Then that’s settled.”

Eventually, Sakura breaks the silence. “We should go back downstairs before we’re missed.”

“Hm.”

“If Sa- Sachiro comes looking for us, we’ll have some explaining to do.”

“You should take your top off. That would forestall any questions.”

“Sasuke!”

She smacks him a little more than lightly in the shoulder, but there is a hint of her smile from her earlier back on her face. He considers it a win.

“Do you think this will all turn out?” she asks, tentative. “He’ll be okay, right?”

“I don’t know. But I believe his chances are better, secure in the knowledge that he has our support.”

“Yeah…”

Sakura inhales a deep, shaky breath and squares her shoulders.

“Alright. Let’s go back down,” she says, with only a little less of her usual certainty. She catches sight of herself in the bedroom mirror, and frowns. “Everyone will know I was crying. I look horrible.”

“Don’t fish for compliments,” he tells her, because they both know he always finds her beautiful. He takes her by the hand and leads her from the room. “Besides, we can always say you were cutting onions.”

_____________________________________________

終わり

Apologies if I got anything horribly wrong, this was a difficult piece to write. As usual, as part of the SasuSakuFestival, please go to the ssfest page and vote, like and/or reblog, it would be majorly appreciated!

クリ

#ssfest17 #sasusaku #ssfanfiction #ssfestday13 #submission #ssfestentry

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aplaceforthesoul · 6 years

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Anonymous submitted:

Detailed

Okay so this may be quite long and I do apologize. But tomorrow I’m going to be calling a local psychologist to book my first appointment in about 7 years. I was hoping to just receive some insight from others before I go spilling my shit to a doctor.

OKAY so I’m going to try and make this short with as much detail as possible.

As a kid I was really sick, I caught some wild disease or whatever when I was a baby which developed into chronic asthma, among other illnesses. I was hospitalized for weeks and even months at a time, even to this day I struggle with my immune system and need hospitalization but not to the extent as before. anyway, being sick as a young child it makes sense to be sheltered right? I wasn’t able to do a lot of things my friends and siblings were doing and a lot of the time my siblings were jealous of me for how special I was treated by my parents. Me being so sheltered led to being clingy/having attachment issues to my mom. When she’d be gone I’d have emotional melt downs alone in my room (ex. I’d rock back and forth, crying, worrying to a crazy extent if she was okay, thinking she died, calling her over and over until she answered.), I slept in my parents bed until I was like 10 and I’d scream for my mom if I woke up alone in the bed. I think this has carried on into my adult life but not with my mom, it’s with whoever I’m closest to.

When I was 11 my parents split up and a lot of things went down between my dad and I, he was very angry and took it out on me. So that, along with puberty I guess caused me to be extremely angry and emotionless, and depressed. My mom even told me her and my sister were scared of me. I have memories of wanting to throw myself out of the car when we were at a high speed, and wanting to drown myself in our bathtub. I used to cut myself too. I had a therapist for a bit and I told her I cut myself because I was angry and that was it. I was also bullied a lot for my sexuality and had to show my school counselor my arms every week. I took a lot of my anger out on my mom, I dont know why. I don’t think I had a good enough reason to act that way.

My depression stayed solid up until mid high school I guess. I went through two therapists, neither of them were qualified enough to be licensed in my opinion. So around the age of 15 or 16 I was a lot more extroverted and happy, I had a lot of friends and no issues at home. But then around the age of 18 I had to deal with the stress of growing up and finally doing things for myself, which I still really really struggle with. My mom also decided to tell me she’ll be moving across the country alone that year and that’s put a lot of stress on me since. All of a sudden I developed this overwhelming sense of anxiety. I think I’ve always had some type of anxiety, as everyone does. But it’s just skyrocketed since I was about 18. Public speaking, calling people, speeches, meeting people, eye contact, eating in front of people, etc. is just crippling for me. This year it’s probably at its worst. I have trouble leaving my house. I don’t even want to call to make my appointment tomorrow. The last time I had to read something aloud in cosmetology school I was shaking so bad my partner had to hold my paper I was reading off of, that along with bullying (which I haven’t dealt with since I was in middle school) caused me to drop out. My anxiety has triggered my depression and I think I have some sort of dissociative disorder or borderline personality disorder. I won’t go in depth about that. I hope someone can give me some sort of advice or at least let me know I’m not going fucking insane lol. I’m sorry this is so long, I hope you have a nice day (:

Hey there. Sorry it took so long to reply. I just want you to know that you’re not insane.

It’s definitely beneficial to see a psychologist. You mentioned that you’ve had a few therapists before and none of them really helped. You may also want to mention that to your psychologist, like why the previous therapists didn’t make you feel comfortable so that your current one can hopefully help with creating a more welcoming environment for you.

Given the situations and environment you grew up with, no you’re not insane for having those issues. You’re only human and you can only take so much. When your mum said they’re scared of you, I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt you. She’s just really concerned that you’re going to do something harmful to yourself. I think your siblings were way too young to understand the situation you were in, therefore they reacted to it with jealousy.

I really don’t think it’s your fault that you’re having issues with doing things alone for the first time. You weren’t given the chance to properly grow up and learn to deal with things yourself. But it doesn’t mean it’s too late to learn it now, so I’m really glad you’re seeing a therapist.

While I am not in any way qualified to give you a diagnosis. I’ll share you with the information that I know and hopefully help you out ><. From what I know, there could be a comorbidity of mental illnesses, meaning different mental disorders can coexist. It does sound like you have social anxiety. I can’t obviously diagnose you but here are some posts/websites that may provide some information for your reference ♡ ♡ . You can try out this app called SAM that helps you deal with anxiety. Here are also some posts that may ♡ ♡ .

It also sounds like you’re really attached to your mother, I can’t really say much about this without more information but the major diagnose for attachment issues include, dependent personality disorder and separation anxiety disorder.

About your anxiety and depression, they can happen together. In psychology, we say everyone has a cup, filled with different amount of water, that is your predisposition to mental illness. When there’s stress, it fills up and may overflow. Some ways to manage stress ♡♡

No matter what the diagnosis is, it does not define you. You are not your illness. I know it’s probably easier said than done. But it’s just like catching a cold. With the right treatment and help, you can and you will recover. Your bullies are just people who don’t understand the situation you’re in. No matter what people say, they cannot invalidate your worth. You’re worthy of recovery and deserve every right to be happy. I hope this helps. We’re always here to listen if you need anything.

Sammi

#anon #submission #depression #anxiety #personality disorder #bpd #attachment #social anxiety #self harm #tw #sammi #advice

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thecorteztwins · 7 years

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@askprofessorx SO I'M REALLY SORRY THIS IS A BIG FUCKING INFO DUMP but these are my muses and my ideas for what we could do with them and Charles

The Acolytes on this blog refers to Fabian Cortez, his sister Anne Marie, and their teammates Chrome and Delgado.At the beginning of the 90s, Magneto had basically retired and fucked off to live in space alone on the humbly named Asteroid M. Then all of a sudden, four mutants show up on his doorstep being chased by SHIELD agents and proclaiming loyalty to him. He lets them in. Three of them are sincere in their claims, but their leader, Fabian Cortez, has a plot. He starts manipulating Magneto, pushing him back into villainy, into doing things that scare the hell out of humans (like collecting fucking MISSILES) because "self-defense". This leads him into conflict with the X-men, who until now he'd actually more or less made peace with, and he sustains grievous injury from Wolverine. Psychologically, this makes him feel that much more isolated and rejected, making him that much more prone to Fabian's manipulation...and physically, he now needs to rely on Fabian's healing powers. Things get worse as Fabian also uses his ability to boost other mutants powers, because it's established that Magneto's powers are to blame for his mental imbalance, so more power equals more crazy for Mags. Fabian's plans all come together when Magneto gathers Xavier and the X-Men aboard Asteroid M, intent on brainwashing them to his side, and the governments of the US and Russia, motivated by Magneto's actions, decide that Asteroid M, and all those upon it, must be destroyed. Fabian, knowing this because THAT WAS HIS PLOT, gets in the only escape pod, leaving the others to die. The X-Men are able to escape, and offer a way out to Magneto and the remaining Acolytes, but Magneto chooses to stay, to use the last of his abilities to hold the asteroid together so the X-Men can make it to their ship...and the other Acolytes choose to stay with him and die at his side. So, why did Fabian do this? Why did he want to get rid not only of the X-Men but also his supposed "leader" Magneto, and his own team, his own sister? Power. Fabian had made Magneto a martyr now, instead of someone who abandoned his cause, and he used his name to rally a cult of new Acolytes, far more bloodthirsty and genocidal than the original squad had been...with himself leading them, of course. These new nasty Acolytes did a LOT of awful things, but Fabian got his when Magneto returned from the dead (typical!) bringing a super duper powerful mutant named Exodus with him who gave Fabs the boot. Fabian flees to Genosha, kidnaps Luna (Pietro's daughter) to use as a human shield/hostage, demanding that Pietro, Wanda, Crystal (Luna's mom), and the Avengers all protect him from Exodus and Magneto or else he’ll kill Luna. He also gets the Genoshan mutants on his side (damn, this guy is charismatic!) and rallies them into causing a civil war so he can use the chaos to hide. Yeah, seeing the country “awash in a raging river of bloodshed!” is just to save his own slimy hide. What a charmer. Anyway, the good news for Fabian is that Magneto is braindead at this time due to Xavier finally whipping out the telepathic big guns on him after he ripped Wolverine’s skeleton out. The bad news is that Exodus is alive and well and shows up, kills Fabian. But Fabian doesn't stay dead. He comes back to caught more trouble, first with manipulating Joseph (Magneto's clone) and then when Magneto gets his mind back and becomes ruler of Genosha, Magneto comes back to recruit Fabian onto the Genosha cabinet (because as shitty as Fabs is, he's a good politician) and to be his personal battery since his powers are now depleted. Fabian starts secretly working to backstab Magneto AGAIN but then when Magneto's powers fully return, Magneto kills him. It mostly sticks this time. Mostly. He does show up during Necrosha though (an event where another villain mass-resurrected a bunch of mutants, of which Fabian was one, but that was a temporary thing) I play Fabian and the other original Acolytes as having been resurrected by unknown means (that's...not uncommon in Marvel tbh) Chrome, Anne Marie, and Delgado don't remember that it was Fabian who was responsible for their deaths, and have resumed their lives as terrorists with him as their teammate and leader. Naturally, Fabian doesn’t want them finding out the truth, and thus does everything he can to keep them from finding out Magneto is alive and at large, lest they seek him out and he tell them what really happened. Fabian himself also wants nothing more than to leave supervillainy at this point and have a normal life, not because he’s seen the light and turned good, but because he’s tired of getting beaten up and dying. Unfortunately, he doesn’t dare run for it, as he (rightly) believes his sister would kill him as a traitor if he did, and he doesn’t think he can escape her by murdering her again either, since he’s learned nobody stays dead (but he still doesn’t want to go through death again himself because IT’S HORRIBLE) With that setup, we've got the enemies deal down pat. Anne Marie will try to kill Xavier on sight. She can't be talked to or talked down. Chrome, it's possible to engage, and Delgado is actually unlikely to try to hurt Xavier UNLESS Xavier is getting in the way of something they're doing. As for Fabian...he might well try to get Xavier to help him out of this mess. Convince him to wipe the Acolytes minds, or rewrite their memories so they think Fabian is dead, enabling him to escape them before they can find out it was him that betrayed them and Magneto. In an XMCU verse, none of this would have happened. I'd picture it instead as Fabian and the others being fresh Brotherhood recruits, with Fabian having all these schemes in mind to betray and usurp Magneto, but not having done it yet. We could have a plot where they capture Xavier, or the X-Men have captured them, or things like that. Finally, in Evo, they're not terrorists yet, they're just teenagers. Fabian and Anne Marie are a couple of mutant kids, and they're not bad either! So, possibly students. They've actually got their powers perfectly under control more or less, and are quite comfortable with them, but they're interested in meeting others like them...and, frankly, Anne Marie needs to be taught responsible use. Because she's growing up with the ability to control the minds and emotions of other people and no one can tell her "no" on anything and it's not that she's evil but she doesn't have a concept of things like telepathic ethics and telepathic consent so she's kinda super dangerous despite being a sweetheart with no malicious intent. I do the 616 verse a lot so I'd actually be more interested in the XMCU and Evo options? I haven't seen any of the films after First Class, but your About section says that's where your default verse is, after FC but before DOFP or XMA. Over on @mypralaya I've got Haven, aka Radha Dastoor, she's a villain who showed up in seven issues of X-Factor during the 1990s. She's a woman who from an early age felt a calling to help ease the suffering and pain in the world, and worked in the streets of her native India helping the poor, caring for the sick, etc. Great person, total saint. Unfortunately, she fell in love with some cad, he knocked her up and then left her. Then things got worse, because a top-class demon known as The Adversary (demons = pretty regular things for the X-Men to deal with in the comics, actually) possessed her unborn child and started feeding her some major lies. Fast forward twenty years. She's still secretly pregnant, eternally in her first trimester. Her child is a mutant, and she can access its immense powers. She also believes it speaks to her with a divine voice, but that's the Adversary, who has made her amass a cult dedicated to spreading chaos and destruction in hopes of bringing about the Mahapralaya, a sort of Hindu apocalypse after which a beautiful age of painlessness and peace and joy for humanity will come, ending suffering forever. But Haven herself was still a really nice woman who advocated for mutant/human peace as a public figure (international best-selling author + lecturer) and in fact greatly admired Professor Xavier. But the whole "secret terrorist cult causing mass suffering" brought her into conflict with X-Factor, despite her desire to have them as her friends and allies. There's no shortage of bad guys with good intentions in the X-Men, but Haven was especially unusual in that she was a pacifist villain. She actually never attacks the good guys, even when they attack her. In fact, she tries to help them---she rescues Polaris from government agents, she heals Wolfsbane of the Genoshan brainwashing she underwent as a slave, and tries to heal Multiple Man of the Legacy Virus (X-Factor blames her for his death when she fails) We're told her cult is doing all these horrible things offscreen, but it's kinda hard to root against her when she barely even threatens anyone onscreen. Her story ends when the Adversary decides it's time to be reborn into this world and Haven...does not survive that in canon. I decided that she does, because I felt she deserved a better ending. In XMCU, demons don't really fit with the canon, so she could be a human or a mutant. Either way, not a villain, because not being influenced (and I don't really play her villain incarnation anyway, I'm more interested in what comes after) so not an antagonist, but more likely a friend or staff member? I feel like the "inspired by Xavier" thing would also be different, because she's in her early 40s, so she'd be older than your Charles, and that could be neat to explore. I mean, hell, maybe she could be a mentor figure to him, or at least a colleague in the same field (mutant/human relations) I'm guessing that it's rare for him to even meet a mutant who is older than he is, since he and Erik and the original X-Men/Brotherhood are kinda the OGs in the XMCU aside from Apocalypse. Then there's Shaw @sebastianshaw He's not a Kevin Bacon Nazi, he's not concerned with mutant supremacy, he's just concerned with money and power, to the point he'll happily throw other mutants under the bus to human bigotry if it makes him a profit. Seriously, this guy built SENTINELS for the government because it made him money, he gives no fucks about species solidarity. As for the Hellfire Club, rather than being a proto-Brotherhood, they're a worldwide social club for the wealthy elite. Most of its members (which includes the Starks, the Worthingtons, and the Braddocks) are just that, regular super-rich people who wanna hob-knob with other super-rich people at fancy parties, but behind closed doors, the Inner Circle that runs in (Shaw, Emma, etc.) are mutant bad guys bent on political and economic domination of the world. This has brought them in to conflict with the X-men several times, the most notable of which was the Dark Phoenix saga, in which the Hellfire Club recruited the telepath Mastermind to brainwash Jean into their service, resulting in her becoming the Dark Phoenix and the resultant horrors that followed, which ended in her death. Shaw's not liable to just attack Xavier, he's more like Delgado in terms of "I'm not after you, just don't get in my way" but there's still room for conflict there, as well as standard "good guy and villain have a chat" things like Xavier does with Magneto, with none of the affectionate history there. Shaw's shown to put himself on the same level of mutant influence as the likes of Xavier and Magneto even if he's way overestimating himself (I mean, he's got a lot of economic/political influence on the world but he doesn't influence mutant culture like Magneto and Charles have, he's too private/on-the-down-low as a mutant) and to have opinions on that, as well as the typical 'thinks the heroes are fools wasting their powers' gig. He's also shown to be immune to Charles' telepathy, probably due to the same Hellfire Club technology that keeps Cerebro and other psychic stuff out of the building's walls, and even without it he's trained enough in telepathic resistance he was able to give Emma a very hard fight in trying to telepathically 'get' him. So Charles can't just tell what he's thinking which makes for a more...normal/even conversation. Not that Charles goes around reading everyone's mind but like, Shaw is a bad guy, so it would be understandable if he tried just to be sure Shaw wasn't up to something, but he can't, so like...he's in the more normal person position of not being able to be sure. Also, he and Charles met in 616 before Charles formed the X-Men and before Shaw joined the Hellfire Club, but the details have never been revealed beyond that Charles embraced him as a friend and that the same young mutant (Tessa/Sage) saved both their lives, but Shaw rejected Xavier’s path and went his own way. In Evo, it's pretty easy to just introduce Shaw and the Hellfire Club as new foes on the scene, probably initially posing as a benign group with similar goals to Xavier, complete with a school of their own for young mutants (Emma Frost ran one in her Hellfire days in the comics) In XMCU...it's more complicated/difficult given the existence of Shaw there, but since that Shaw's real name is Klaus Schmidt, it's not impossible to say he stole this Shaw's identity or something, possibly along with taking/copying his powers via some kind of scientific experiment (since he doesn't display these abilities when he met young Erik) I also play Shaw's son @shinobixshaw and Fabian's son @malcortez. Shinobi is a 616 canon too, he "killed" his dad (Shaw got better) and took over his position in the Hellfire Club...and then proceeded to do nothing except drink and party and be lazy. Shinobi is not a serious threat in any way, even if he thinks he is, and thus really cannot make a decent antagonist, but he can certainly be annoying in his stupidity and arrogance and drunken shenanigans. Malcolm, on the other hand, is not from 616. He's from the Marvel Zombies universe, but has canonically access to a machine that can take him to other dimensions, including, oh, say, the XMCU! So it's perfectly plausible for him to be able to pop up in the mansion or wherever as a fish-out-of-water who needs help getting acquainted with this world. He's technically a villain in his own world, but his goals of "rule my village" won't really apply in any other world, he's just interested in his own home, not anyone else's. So he'd be more like a...very confused guest than anything else.

#askprofessorx #info post

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mondaymentalhealth · 5 years

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Abuse (domestic violence)

Today’s topic: ABUSE (physical and emotional/ psychological within a relationship)

ABUSE: “treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.” / “cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.”

PHYSICAL: Physical abuse is any intentional act causing injury or trauma to another person or animal by way of bodily contact.

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL: a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person's self-esteem and undermine their mental health

When I discuss abuse, I’ll be addressing domestic violence (partners, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend)

There is a variety of different types of abuse and you may be experiencing it and not even realize it’s happening. Sometimes we are blinded by our fears and emotions and don’t want to accept the truth. ABUSE IS NOT OKAY do not ever let yourself think that you deserve it. There are tons of resources and information where you can learn about abuse and find help. THERE IS A WAY OUT! I won’t get into too much technical stuff because if you need information it is readily available and if you need help finding it send me a message. Abuse is taken VERY VERY seriously. I have taken domestic violence courses over and over and over throughout my education, they stress it hardcore. I’ll discuss my experience dealing with abuse so that maybe you can realize it’s ok to open up about it and trust that it can and will be okay.

Are you or have you been a victim of abuse? Have you ever told anyone? Did you let it go on for far too long or is it still happening now? Does it still affect you years later? (We will discuss PTSD another time.)

My experience with abuse:

It’s possible I was emotionally abused in relationships and didn’t even realize I was being controlled until after the relationship had ended and I regained my freedom and individuality. There is a particular person that I received severe abuse from and I knew it had to stop. Do I wish it had stopped sooner? Yes! But I’m also proud of myself for getting out before it was too late. The thing about abuse is, it starts out slowly and progresses and escalates. I’m going to be discrete by withholding names and specific details because this situation was handled through the courts. All though, Broward County has public records and you can search anyone and see what they’ve been involved with (which I do to just about everyone for fun, it’s kind of twisted) but it also comes in handy when meeting a new person that may not be completely honest with you. Anyway, so my abusive relationship lasted on and off for about a year. Nothing severe enough to have me hospitalized but definitely emotionally damaging. I remember the first event that should have been a warning that my partner was abusive, but like I said BLIND. You think with all my education about abuse and domestic violence I could have been smarter about it, but nope, I fell right into the trap without even realizing it until the hole was dug so deep that there was no turning back and it was time to cut the rope. The first thing that happened was so small it didn’t even seem like a major issue. My partner and I were in the car, I was driving and he suggested I take a different route because it was faster. I disagreed and tried to rationalize why my way was faster (Oops don’t fight with a man about directions). This enraged him because I wasn’t listening and he responded by saying “Fine bitch, I’ll walk.” WOW, real decent right? These days I would never let someone talk to me like that and choose to be with them. CHOOSE! You got that? A relationship is a choice. You cannot pick your parents, kids, siblings, or other family members, but you do get a say in who you are intimately and romantically involved with. Don’t make excuses… “We have kids together” “I can’t do it on my own.” “We live together.” “I have nowhere to go.” “I’m scared.” “He/She is working on it.” “He/She is getting better.” “He/She promised it will never happen again.” BULLSHIT! That’s malarkey (love that word). So, what did I do? I cried, he apologized, and everything was better. That’s how it starts, then it gets worse. The name-calling increased, degrading and shaming started, then my clothes, jobs, friends, family, and whereabouts became controlled. I was physically withheld from leaving and I was forced to do things I didn’t want to do. I was choked, grabbed, and restrained. My property was damaged and then I started getting stalked. If I didn’t do exactly what my partner wanted there were consequences and threats and the threats were usually carried out. I was scared for my life and I thought I could never escape until one day I decided enough is enough and I ended it. It wasn’t easy and it took a while to completely cut it off. Unfortunately, a lot of people will have to deal with after effects and need protection. It can be very scary I’ve been there, I get it. So, if any of this sounds familiar, reach out to someone who you can trust and find a solution. I know waaaay too many people who have been victims of abuse and some who still are.

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSER:

Extreme Jealousy: Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly.

Controlling Behavior: One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

Quick Involvement: The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.

Unrealistic Expectations: Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.

Isolation: The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.

Blames Others: The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).

Hypersensitivity: An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.

“Playful” Use of Force of Sex: The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.

Verbal Abuse: The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.

Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde: The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.

Past History of Battering: The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.

Use of Violence and Threats of Violence: Violence can include holding the victim down, restraining them from leaving the room or pushing, shoving or holding them against a wall. Abusers may also throw or break objects as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but throwing or breaking objects mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them. Threats of violence include any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”

Some helpful resources:

https://www.new-hope.org/

24-Hour Hotline at 800-323-HOPE (4673).

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

Text* loveis to 22522 Speak to a peer advocate by calling 1-866-331-9474.

https://www.crisistextline.org/emotional

Text CONNECT to 741741

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briefbouquetcreatorlove-blog · 6 years

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Limestone Tennessee Cheap car insurance quotes zip 37681

"Limestone Tennessee Cheap car insurance quotes zip 37681

Limestone Tennessee Cheap car insurance quotes zip 37681

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecosts.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Limestone Tennessee Cheap car insurance quotes zip 37681

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""I am a 19 year old male, what is the cheapest car insurance?""

I am a 19 year old male, what is the cheapest car insurance?""

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Limestone Tennessee Cheap car insurance quotes zip 37681

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Will my car insurance rate be based on how long ive been insured or licensed?

I have been insured on several cars regularly since getting each permit (the law in my state, even though I only had a permit, and went through about five permits) and I just got my full license (finally). My license number is the same as it was before when it was on my permit. Which one will my future insurance rates be based on? Length of time insured or length with a full license? Thanks""

How much would insurance cost for a 22 year old to be insured with his mother?

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Free Insurance Quotes Online?

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What's car insurance im a beginner on cars?

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Do I really need health insurance?

I am 22 and I live with my wife. She just got out of military. We had Tricare insurance for 4 years active but we never had to use it once. So is it worth it to start paying 200 a month for civilian insurance (Tricare Reserve Select)?

Do you sell car insurance? PLEASE LOOK IF YOU DO! :)?

HI! I used to work at Cost-U-Less Insurance in Humboldt county Northern California... about 5 years ago. we worked on commission only.. so if you didn't write a policy you ...show more

Can I cancel my Life Insurance policy with Northwestern Mutual?

Hi I was just wondering if I could cancel my life insurance with Northwestern Mutual just cause I can no longer afford it. Even if they try to reduce it I just can't afford it. Do you know if cancelling the life Insurance is easy?

Lying to insurance driving record?

It's time to renew my insurance. In the quote I got in the mail, they didn't include the speeding violation that I got back in July 2009. If I tell them about it it would bring the premium up of about 120 dollars. I'm debating if I should tell them or not. After all it's their job to prepare the quote and check driving records. I'm just afraid that in case something happened they would use this as a reason not to pay eventual claims.. What would you do? Thanks""

Limestone Tennessee Cheap car insurance quotes zip 37681

""I'm turning 17 soon & looking for car insurance, anyone know ruffly how much it would be for a toyota celica?

I live in N.ireland

""Car insurance question, custom-built cars?""

I was watching a SciFi show where a company in Florida builds cars. From a welded frame, up! For street driving. Can you get insurance to drive such a car? You cannot say 'Ford, ...show more""

Car accident happens when the car's insurance is not your name?

If Car accident happens, and the car that you were driving the car's insurance is not your name. If call 911,will you get arrested or what? and will that car insurance company pay for the damage that you did to other car?""

This country needs affordable health care...so why are hospitals so lavish and extravagantly fancy?

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Car Insurance For Teens!?!?!?!?!?

I'm about to purchase a used car for $2500. The car will be registered in my name. Do I have to get insurance under my own name or can I get it under my parents name? If I have to do it myself, what is the average rate for 18 year olds. I'll be 19 in December. I live in South Carolina. <When I get the car, do I have to get insurance immediately or do I wait until the temporarily dealer plate expire?""

Is a business insurance payout taxable.?

The company suffered a burglary where a number of capital assets were stolen. They received an insurance payout. The insurance premiums paid were treated as a deduction in the profit and loss account. Basically will this pay out be taxable for Corporation Tax

North Carolina Health Insurance?

Right now I have blue cross and blue sheild insurance. It's becoming ridiculous to pay each month and deductibles are through the roof! I'm a healthy 25 yr old female. I need to know, what are some insurance companies in the state of North Carolina that are cheaper, but are still helpful with doctor's visits and prescriptions. What health insurance do you have and what's the cost? Any help or opinions about would be great! thanks:))))""

Insurance for a street bike?

how much is insurance for a street bike starting out

Auto insurance quotes?

Is Blue of california a good health insurance?

Estimate for Auto Insurance on a 18 year old Living in GA driving a Mitsubishi Lancer GTS 20k?

In Janurary of 08 i am going to get a New Mitsubishi Lancer GTS. I already know how much my monthlly payments are going to be the car is 20 grand. I Live in GA and was wanting to know around how much would insurance be if im 18 years old driving a new car. It would have to be full coverage and right now my family has Allstate. Can anyone give me a reasonable Estimate? Thank You.

17 year old male car insurance!?

I am 16 (soon to turn 17) and I already have my lessons and car sorted out. If I passed my theory and practical test first time I am looking at getting a 1.0L Toyota Yaris in mid-September. I live in Blackpool (UK). I have been looking at quotes and insurance companies for ages but I can't find a consistent price. I was wondering (roughly) how much my insurance would be with and with-out a black box and any ideas for which insurance company to go for?

How do I drive a new car home if I can't get insurance on it for another 2 weeks?

My insurance company said they need the car title before they can give me insurance on the car. This doesn't make any sense, the dealer say they cannot hold on to the car once it's bought because it's not their responsbility anymore. But I need to buy the car to get the title and the title won't be processed for 1-2 weeks. So once I buy the car I need to take it home but that means driving without insurance, what's going on here is it okay?""

What car insurance do u have and how much do u pay?

my mom and my brother have progressive i think i might be in there too but the bill came over $2,000....we don't even make close to that much a month""

16 year old insurance on Bike (CBT) UK?

Heres the thing, i can afford a bike and ive been considering an Aprilia RX 50 Or a Suzuki TS 50, but the insurance is through the roof in price, my average quote fire and theft is 450 ish any ideas who to go with in respects of insurance companies ? thanks live in the (UK)""

First time having car insurance of my own...?

I am getting my first car next month and I was wondering how should I determine how much insurance I need to have. I'm buying a care that cost 3600 and is worth 4000 right now and I'm a college student even though I don't not travel to and from home much. How would I determine what I need and dont need as far as coverage goes? I will be paying cash so no car payments.

""What is the penalty for driving without insurance on a motorbike, as i feel it was a genuine oversight?""

I was stopped because of a broken rear light and as it happens my insurance had expired about 4 days before. I wasn't aware that the insurance expired , i thought it was at the end of the month. I didn't receive any reminder because i had forgotten to change address with the insurance company, which was completely my fault. This is a genuine oversight on my part, but I'm not sure if they'll look at previous incident i had with my cousins car when i was a teenager about 7 years ago, i got caught driving without insurance. Probably one of the stupidest things i have done but i learned from it, but the court may not look at it like that. Should i get a solicitor and does anyone know how much they cost? Will i be suspended from driving?""

How much is car insurance and medical insurance monthly?

im doing a project for my math class and i dont know what either of these would cost!

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Car burned in fire with no insurance.?

My car was at the mechanic's shop in my local town and was parked behind a house that sat in front of the shop. The house caught on fire throughout the night (we don't know ...show more

Is a 1978 lincoln mark v cheap to insure?

i am looking at a very cheap car to insure. i was looking into one of these classic cars. i currently drive a 1995 ford explorer V6 and its RWD that costs $140 a month on insurance and it gets worse gas mileage than a 1969 lincoln mark iii. as far as i know, this is a 34 year old car and registration is probably gonna cost 50 bucks or less and i live in NH. im 19 and have no tickets or accidents, will the lincoln mark v be cheaper than my explorer. i only have liability""

""I would like to get my insurance license in the state of CA, and I need to know how to start?""

I would like to get my insurance license in the state of CA, and I need to know how to start?""

Auto insurance company that wants me to pay upfront?

I need general information concerning auto insurance complanies that pay claims directly to the driver. They want me to absorb all costs (repairs, rental, etc.) and then they will issue me a reimbursement check. I don't want reimbursed for something that their insured driver did to me! I just want them to cover all costs associated with the claim! What, if any, legal action can I take to have the matter proceed in my favor?""

Where can I get insurance in New York City?

Hi everyone and thanks for reading, I know it's probably a stupid couple questions but I'm trying to figure this out, perhaps i'm not looking in the right places. Anyway I need to know a couple things: 1) Where can I get health insurance in NEW YORK CITY for my employees? 2) Where can I get insurance again in NYC for my company? Thanks everyone!""

Which is cheapest car insurance in new york?

i want to buy a car but i know the insurance of the car is very expensive. I will like to know if there is a car insurance that i can afford.

Limestone Tennessee Cheap car insurance quotes zip 37681

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/life-insurance-inspirational-quotes-agatha-ibarra/"

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thoughtsfeelingsjustblah · 7 years

Text

Delusions, family, fear.

2/20

Stressing myself out today.

I was watching Dr. Phil (I know, i’ve started another blog with this, I believe lol) - but anyway, the episode was about this guy, he thinks he’s so damn hot (I wouldn’t give him a second look if I seen him walking down the road) - and his personality makes him even less attractive than he actually is. But this guy is so egotistical, I don’t know whether it’s hilarious or pathetic. But, this guy isn’t why i’m stressed out exactly..

Toward the end of the show, his fear of turning out like his father was mentioned. His father suffered from some sort of psychosis, possibly schizophrenia. It was said that he would talk to people who weren’t there, and eventually (when the guy on the show was 15) he got in his truck and drove away, never returned. He was seen living on the streets, in bad condition psychologically. This is the part that got me thinking, and in turn, stressing myself out.

I have lived in fear, most of my life, of turning out like my Mom. My Mom was my Mom, I will ALWAYS love her, don’t get me wrong. But, I do not want to be like her. My fear intensified as I reached my teens and started learning more about mental health and psychology. I realized that there IS a genetic factor. A person is more likely to have a mental illness if they have mental illness in their family. That’s a scary thought.

My Mom was delusional. She was never diagnosed, as she refused to seek help, insisting nothing was wrong with her. My Dad just dealt with it. My oldest brother would switch back and forth between saying she had a problem and defending her, saying nothing was wrong with her (I was a kid, that screwed with my sense of reality, to an extent). My other brother almost always got defensive, insisting nothing was wrong with her. I was the only one who challenged everyone, stood firm with my observation that she had something going on with her. That was starting in childhood. I tried to tactfully discuss it with her, so many times. She would almost always get highly defensive toward me. There were a few times, she would listen to what I had to say, seem like she was opening her mind to the possibility that she may have something going on with her. Then, the next time we would talk, she would about snap my head off with rage.

About my Moms delusions...

As I have spoken about a few times (so I will attempt to keep this first part - about aliens - short) - she was delusional. She has a serious lack of understanding reality from delusion. She insisted that she had an “alien family”, had been on their ship. She had a Mom, a Dad, and others in her “family”. They came and took her away for periods of time in her childhood. In her adulthood, she seen their ship in the sky, many times, sending her messages. They would come to her in her sleep, delivering messages.

Then, she had a dream about a series of numbers, at one point, and she wrote them down, spent years trying to figure out what the numbers meant.

She was always saying she was going to write a book about her experiences (mostly the alien experiences). When I was little, she would tell me that we were going to be rich, she’d buy me all these things, give me $1000 allowance, all kinds of crazy things. I was a kid. I believed her. I was excited. And I was let down, repeatedly.

In 1989, I was 9 years old. My Mom told myself and the family about her psychic dream. She was emotional, and she was dead serious. She told me/us that 1989 is the last we will spend with her, because she was told she is going to die in 1990. I was broken. Scared to death. I didn’t know what to do. I spent a lot of time crying, begging my Mom to not die, she would just tell me she can’t help it, Jesus needed her help. I was a mess, I really was. So scared of losing my Mom, so insecure. When New Years Eve came along, I was terrified. I expected my Mom to die any second after the ball dropped. (That New Years song they play still stirs up a sad feeling when I hear it) I cried uncontrollably as I sat and watched it go from 1989-1990.... That ENTIRE year was horrible for me. I had more trouble in school, didn’t want to be in school, I clung to my Mom, afraid she wouldn’t be there when I returned if I were to be away from her. I was weepy, overly emotional. I gained a lot of weight, went from chubby to obese. My life was altered. I couldn’t wait to see 1991 come along.

There were still times when my Mom would say she was going to die - either from a dream or by killing herself. But 1989-1990 was, by far, the most dramatic, scary time.

Another time, a friend was helping me clean my room. My pet frog died a day or two later. She was convinced that my friend killed the frog, and banned her from coming around, told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to her.

She went through periods of time when she absolutely hated my Dad. She would tell me horrible stories about him being abusive. And, she told me that two times he set it up so that (once by a relative of his, and another time a close friend of his) she would be raped! She told me this nasty (BS) stuff, as a young child. She would then shun me, treated me like total crap, if I didn’t take her side against my Dad. I was so messed up by all this. Of course I do NOT believe this, now that I am older and understand mental illness a bit better. But, it was traumatizing to me as a child. There were other disgusting accusations that caused huge fights when I was a child, it was all just such a mess.

She would tell me that she was Jesus’ sister. That she was Joan of Arc in her last life.

She would talk about “the end of time” and scare the H*ll out of me. She said she was one of the chosen ones. If I were bad, I would be left on Earth to burn. Her space ship would be coming to save her. Again.....being a young child, I didn’t have any reason not to believe any of it. My Mom was telling me these things, it had to be true, right? ....Talk of the end of time/Armageddon makes me feel insecure to this day. Though I know it was all part of her mental illness, it still has a major effect on the way I feel.

She would have days when I was the enemy, when I was little and throughout my life. She was call me names, call me selfish, a bad daughter. Wished I had never been born. She hates me. Say that i’m too much like my Dad. Or, she would compare me (in a negative context) to an aunt on my Mom side, an aunt on my Dad’s side, a cousin, and a couple other relatives. She would say rude things about them, then say i’m just like them, call me “little (insert name here)”, and belittle me for not being good enough. Other times, she would compare me to relatives and friends in a different way, telling me that I will never be as good as “this person, or that person”. Saying “Why can’t you be more like....”. I felt inferior, worthless and unworthy of being loved.

One thing that had a huge impact on me, in my teens.. My Dad was dying, I was 15, almost 16. I could find comfort from my Mom, from anyone. I didn’t deal well at all. I developed an eating disorder (bulimia), a drinking problem, deep depression, went completely out of control, soon after his death. During the last few weeks, before he died, he was kept REALLY out of it on Morphine and benzos, to keep his pain level at the minimum. His lung cancer has spread to his liver, he was in a lot of pain. I was feeling out of place. Everyone was dealing with their feelings to themselves, I had noone to comfort me. My best friend at the time, she was spending a lot of time with me, we were running around like crazy, I didn’t want to be home, I couldn’t handle the reality. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just dealing with the situation the only way I knew how. Avoiding it. Anyway, after my Dad died, my Mom would tell me (not once, multiple times throughout my life) that it was my fault that my Dad died. I kept him so stressed out it weakened his immune system, and caused he death. She claimed that my stressing her out could kill her. She often said, “Are you trying to kill me like you did “DD”? (called him DD, out of habit, when I was little I couldn’t say Daddy, it sounded like “DD”...but anyway..) For a long time, I actually believed that. To be very honest, I still wonder, IF I hadn’t been so difficult and stressed him out of the years, would he have been able to beat the cancer. There is some truth to it, stress can wear a person down. Part of me wonders if there is some sort of validity to it. I hope he knew how much I loved him.

Moving along.....

So, I worry sometimes, about the mental illness in my family.

On my Mom’s side..

My Mom was delusional, dealt with some sort of psychosis. I believe her to have be schizophrenic. If not, I would say she had an extreme for of Bipolar 1 with psychotic features.

My oldest brother, I strongly believe to have been a sociopath.

My other brother has obvious signs of mental illness. As he gets older, he reminds me a bit more of my Mom, with her mental illness. I don’t believe he has delusions to the point that my Mom had. Unless he just doesn’t speak of it. But there is definitely something “off” with him.

One of my Mom’s sisters had rage issues and would say nasty things to at least one of her children (according to a relative). She later developed a severe dementia.

Her other sister was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

One of her brothers was also diagnosed with schizophrenia.

One of her brother has been in and out of treatment for substance abuse.

One of her brothers was an alcoholic with serious boundary issues.

One of her brothers went on to marry, have a nice, well adjusted family. No mental issues that i’m aware of.

Her Mother, she claimed, had mental issues. Would get mean with her, abusive. She would go after my Mom’s Dad with a butcher knife often. (my Mom did the same thing, went after my Dad with a butcher knife, when they were first married, according to her).

Her Dad, everyone has said he was mentally ill. It manifested after he lost some fingers in an accident. I don’t know ALL the details. But, I was told that he would just randomly take off and leave the family, train hopping.

Then, my Dad’s side....

My Dad seemed to have a mood disorder, I always suspected Bipolar 2 (without psychotic features). But to be VERY honest, when I think back to what he dealt with.. All the stress from my Mom. Supporting a family with two adult sons refusing to work, while my Dad worked his A*S off......yeah, that could cause a person to be moody. But, he really did seem to have some mood fluctuations that would be consistent with Bipolar 2.

I know SO very little about my Dad’s parents, and even his siblings. Unfortunately. I know that he and his brother separated themselves from their family for MANY years. Neither of them would really tell me why. There were just some things going on, they needed to get away.

Myself...

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 (I assume it’s 2? Noone has actually said, but I don’t have psychosis, so?), PTSD, and General Anxiety Disorder. I’ve known about the Bipolar for years. I was first told that I probably have Bipolar, by a primary care doctor, when I was 18. I believe my official diagnoses was when I was 21 or 22. I’ve recieved that diagnosis by several mental health care professionals. And, I learned about it in my teens, and knew it matched my symptoms. It made so much sense to me, the things I went through were all symptoms of a condition. The PTSD diagnosis was the most recent. It never occurred to me that I would have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But, after reading about it, and thinking about my past, it absolutely makes sense.

I do not have delusions, psychosis of any kind. But, with my family history, it is a huge concern to me. What if I completely lose it one day? What if I become like my Mom, and lose touch with reality? What if I become like my Grandfather, and one day lose it and disappear (I actually fear this because I have had the temptation to disappear before)? It scares me.

And then...

Mark, he also has family history of mental illness. He has an uncle who is severely mentally ill (I don’t know the details) and his father’s mental illness progressed as he got older. He will hoard money away, refuse to have the necessities (running water, heat) and then spend large amounts of money on nonsense items. He tried to kill Mark with a hammer once. He stalks Mark’s Mom. Literally. She’s had to involve the police, court system. The first time I met him, Mark and I were on our way to his Mom’s house and Mark seen his Dad parked on the hill, we stopped for him to talk to him. He was sitting on the hill, in a spot where he could watch Mark’s Mom’s house. His Mom has remarried, is happy and just doesn’t want to have contact with him. And he sits there often, rides up and down her road. To hear him talk, you can tell his thoughts are disorganized.

And, his Mom has been suicidal several times over the years. She (did as a child and still) shouts at him over things....which I believe is why he is so quiet, especially during disagreements.

So...

We have (1/2 way jokingly, but still partly serious) talked about, what if I become like my Mom. Or, he becomes like his Dad. We’ve agreed to take care of each other, if that happens, make sure we get treatment needed, etc.. But, what if we BOTH end up like that?

I know that people are not guaranteed to inherit disorders that run in their family. But the thought of it has ALWAYS scared me. I do NOT want to end up like my Mom.

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