#but sometimes i can't stand slow and sad songs and i just want my head to shut up/i want to be distracted but not really with happy things?? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

babylooneytoonz · 3 years

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a little bit of you, a little bit of me

— pairing: Tommy Shelby x Reader

— summary: Tommy and you had a one night stand right when Tommy was 18 and you were 17 and you fell pregnant with a baby girl- but wanted to convince your husband it’s his- so Tommy grew up seeing his daughter every day grow up in the street and with her other dad. And on her eighteenth birthday she comes into the garrison for a drink with a purpose to meet Tommy.

This is requested by an anonymous, although the request was slightly different, I have modified it a bit and I hope you like it.🤍

A/N- I just modified it a bit because I am really not good with the timelines so there might a slight difference in the age . Let's just assume this is set in 1908 which I suppose is when Tommy would be 18? and then later in 1926 when Grace had been shot and all [end of season 3 - beginning season 4] I'm not sure and my math sucks please correct me but I think Tommy was born in 1890 or something I could be seriously wrong though.

— warnings: mentions of extra marrital relationship, trigger warnings, unplanned pregnancy , a lot of angst (Please do not read if you're not comfortable, thank you.)

*Please reblog if you like it, do not repost or claim my work as yours.

[My Masterlist]

You were only seventeen when your parents succumbed to bankruptcy and disease, leaving you an orphan, an only child; but not without ensuring that you were married off to a young man. You weren't in love with him, or with anyone else, and thus, it was easy for you to accept.

With the war not yet begun, you and your husband moved to Birmingham City, hoping to find yourself a place to live at half the rent as compared to London.

And it was during that time, when you met Tommy Shelby, a young lad who lived four houses away from yours.

It was innocent at first, just a glance through the window, or a mindless bump against each other on the road which then developed into greetings and then smiles until finally, one day, when you found yourself sat by the docks late one evening, shielded by unwanted, prying eyes with Tommy Shelby next to you, talking about life in general.

You opened up, telling him about how you were never lucky enough to find someone to love, and to marry for love. Although you had utmost respect for your husband, you couldn't bring yourself to love him, yet. But it wasn't all sad talks.

Sometime, in between the morose and sad revelations, a lighter topic broke out, and they two of you began talking of your favourite pass times, your hobbies and the most embarassing moments of your life.

"Don't you have to go back home, [Y/N]? Isn't someone bloody waiting back home?" Tommy raised an eyebrow, his eyes glistening with amusement and you snorted, pressing your index finger into his chest playfully as you pushed yourself up.

"So, Tommy, what are we friends now?" You remembered smirking, the corners of your plump lips curving into a devilish grin as you stood up, wiping the back of your skirt with your palm.

"Do you want us to be?" He smirked back, and reached forward trying to grab the hem of your skirt, but you dodged, biting your lip as you shook your head, running your hand through your hair.

"Friends don't grab a lady's skirt, Mr. Shelby," you curled your lips teasingly, and taking Tommy by surprise, your fingers slid through his matted hair ruffling them up, before you darted off, the sound of your running the only voice audible to Tommy as he kept sitting by the docks, grinning.

That was only the beginning; and the flirt only rose after that, it didn't die down, no matter how much you knew it was wrong. You couldn't help yourself be attracted to him.

"[Y/N], are you going out, eh?"

You stopped, mid steps, your coat halfway through your arms as you slowly turned around and gave your husband a nervous smile.

"We're out of bread, and tomatoes, and eggs. I thought I'd stock up for two days." You looked at him, glancing at him through your fluttering eyelids, and he simply nodded, pulling a lit cigarette up to his lips, "Don't be gone long, love. It's going to get dark outside."

You grabbed your purse, and fixing your hair with your hands, you pulled open the front door and ran out of your home. You looked left, and right before you crossed the road to the other side and slid through a cramped alley, ducking underneath the clothes that were hanging to dry off from ropes.

Finally, Tommy was in sight.

His hair were disheveled, and his shirt had dust stains on it but you didn't mind; he was perfect in your eyes. You smiled, parting your lips, your tongue sliding out of your mouth as you moistened your lower lip. Your walking turned to running, and the next second, you were standing chest to chest with him, his hand fixed on the low of your back, holding you against him.

"You—"

"Don't, Tommy. Don't make me change my bloody mind," you whispered immediately, cutting him off.

His palm came to rest on your cheek, his thumb stroking against your supple flesh, his blues fixed on yours. You could see the ocean in your eyes, and although you were guilty in that moment for willingly be ready to give yourself to this boy, your guilt was far less than the feelings your heart held for him.

"This one time, Tommy—" you whispered, placing your palm against the fabric of his dusty shirt and balling it into your fist, pulling him closer, you blinked, giving him a nod.

It all flew by in a buzz then. One moment, the two of you were laughing like little kids, chasing after a butterfly, your hand entwined in his, as the two of you ran through the alleys one after the other. Tommy pulled you into one of the structures, made out of bright red brick walls, until he shut the door and pressed you against it, both his hands gripping your neck, his lips pressed to you.

Kisses, moans and gasps. Feelings, passion and unshed tears.

"Can you leave him for me?" Tommy whispered against your ear as he undressed you slowly, his fingers sliding over your bare velvet like skin, making heat and current radiate all through you.

Amongst moans and archs of of pleasure, the crowning and the curling of your toes and Tommy showed you the stars, as he filled you up completely, you moving in sync with him, like dancing to a slow song, you couldn't help but wish.. that maybe you had met him a few months back.

"You know I can't. It's too late now.." Would things have been different then? Would he have married you and then left for war?

"I know love, I know. I'm sorry I didn't find you before." He moaned into your ear, his fingers tracing your spine.

"Tommy.." You threw your head back, your fingers tightly clutching the sweaty boy's head in front of you, as you felt him teasingly bite you on the nape of your neck, all the while, his movements now becoming sloppier inside of you, and the two of you came, and collapsed in each other's arms.

The two of you remained entwined in each other, holding on to each other like either of you would slip into the sands of time. Finally, Tommy's hold on you relaxed, and he brought his fingers to your face, stroking through your sweaty hair, that were sticking to your face.

"This is goodbye then, love?"

You looked up at him, your eyes shriveled with unshed tears, and inexplicable emotions as you swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded, "I will still see you, only the world will never know. Maybe someday.."

Tommy was true to his words, and he never let anyone find out, about that one slip of the moment the two of you had shared, that had led to the creation of the light of your life.

Days turned to weeks, and weeks flew by, turning into months and Tommy watched you from afar as you walked down the street with a friend of yours whose name was Greta. Your head hung low, your stomach bloomed and swollen, the glow on your face bright enough to compete with the brightness of the sun. He was happy for you. You deserved to be happy, and he was okay, even if it wasn't with him.

Upon seeing you with a smile on your radiant face as you entered the bakery, Tommy could not control himself, something that he had been doing for months now at the sight of you. He pushed open the bakery door, with a tiny jingle of the bell, and that caused you to turn towards the door, your eyes immediately widening at the sight of him.

He kept his eyes fixed on you for a second before he looked away, and fixed himself on the counter right next to you, as he began looking around, looking for anything he could buy and not be suspected.

You pulled the coins out of your purse and handed them to the bakery owner, and with one glance at him, nodding in courtesy, you turned away, hurriedly walking out of it. Your steps were fast, as fast a six months pregnant young lady could walk and thus, it was easy for Tommy to catch up to you.

"Greta," you looked at your friend, your eyes widened, and the girl next to you smiled.

"Go," she whispered and looked around, just to see if there were any prying eyes that were looking at the two of you.

You slowly stepped into the alley, and Tommy followed until he had you in a corner, and his eyes fell to your stomach. You parted your lips but all that came out was thin air.

"I'm sorry, love. I couldn't bloody keep myself away from you. You look beautiful."

You gave him a tiny, lingering smile, fluttering your lashes as you looked down at your belly and then back at him, "Liar. I feel humongous."

"You're a sight for my sore eyes, love," his words were breaking you down, piece by piece. The wall that you had created, the thin wall of what was right and what was wrong was slowly crumbling down again. Your lips ached, your body ached, for his touch, once again. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. Finally, you opened your eyes again, and with a finality, you said, "Find yourself a nice girl, Tom. I want you to be happy."

A woman he did find. As time flew by, Tommy did find love again in your best friend, Greta Jurossi, and you were happy for them. You lay in your bed, your sheets coiled over you, covering up your modesty as the midwife examined you. Waves of pain flushed through you, causing you to ball the fabric of the bedding and the towels and let out cries of anguish. Your husband was downstairs, walking up and down; his shoulders tense, listening to your cries of pain.

After fourteen hours, you finally held your little black haired girl to your chest. Your heart filled with unconditional love; as you kissed the mass of her hair, you realised you couldn't love anyone else like you loved this girl.

Tommy held Greta's hand as the two of them entered their spot under the bridge. He pushed her to the wall, keeping a hand at the back of her head so she didn't hit it against the wall as he kissed her and finally made love to her.

"Why do you look like you've seen a bloody ghost, love?" Tommy's eyebrows perked up, as he pulled out a cigarette and flicked it to his lips, lighting it with a match.

"Not a ghost, Tommy, it's just that Marigold keeps us up all night long, she is such a fussy babe," Greta sighed, smiling softly when the image of your baby girl flashed infront of her eyes. She was in love with that little angel, but she knew she was Tommy's, you had told her this as you were her bestfriend. She looked down at her hands momentarily before looking up at Tommy, pursing her lips. She knew this man, and you, better than anyone in the world and she could read your faces like a book.

"Sometimes, I wonder," she hopped off the place she was seated at, pulling her skirts properly at place before she bent down as pulled up her stockings. Tommy took a drag of the cigarette and flicked it away, stepping on it, "What would have been if she would have left him."

"She made her decision, Greta, and I respect it," Tommy called out and she flinched, slowly turning towards him, chewing on the insides of her cheeks.

"Still, it's tragic, isn't it? Watching her everyday and knowing she can never be yours?" She whispered.

"I've made my peace with it." Tommy grumbled, under his breath, shaking his head as he threw his hand towards her and she accepted, entwining their fingers together as he pulled her into him.

"She made me swear something, but I can't keep it inside me anymore. This secret.. I feel like you deserve to know. Will you keep it?" Greta suddenly stopped walking and turned towards him, placing her hand delicately over his chest, and giving it a soft stroke.

"What is it, love?" He asked, his voice husky, and low. He kept his eyes fixed on her, like fireflies drawn to a source of light, that light being the impassivity of her words.

"Marigold is yours, Tommy. She's your daughter. She's got your eyes, and that sweet little smile."

Tommy parted his lips, as if wanting to say something, just anything but he felt like someone had choked him. He couldn't speak. No words flew out of his plump, trembling lips. Waves of anxiety suddenly flushed through him, and he clenched his fists, drawing his hands away from her as a gnawing emptiness filled him up.

Nothing felt worse than the bitter, aching slice his heart felt; as though someone had shot him through his heart, and the bullet was now lodged through. Yet he couldn't bring himself to hate you, although you had never told him, not once in these nine or so months that the baby you were carrying was his.

He laid back down, his head resting against the hard pillow. His mind was intoxicated, his thinking fuzzy yet he couldn't throw out the anguish he was feeling, no matter how hard he tried. The girl he had grown to love, the girl who had pulled him out of the feelings he had for you, the girl who had breathed life into his cold heart once again, the girl he wanted to marry, destiny snatched her away from him like a joke. Was he cursed to not be with the one his heart desired the most?

With a heavy heart, and a tormented soul, Thomas Shelby and his brothers left for war.

The war lasted for years, and so did Tommy, and every single time he felt like death was lurking close by, it never really touched him. When war was over, Tommy Shelby returned a different man, a man with a hollow heart, mind tormented completely differently now. He could hear the shovels in his mind, the clawing of metal against metal. He returned from war, and so did your husband and as the years passed, Tommy watched his daughter grow up, from a young little petal into a full blooming flower, and he never said a word. It was like a silent promise made to you, to protect your honour, something he had sworn with his life.

As the years passed, the hollow void left by you and by Greta slowly died down, and Tommy found himself a woman called Grace. She was enchanting, and she made Tommy feel whole again, complete again, although the shovels never stopped, no matter how hard he tried. Yet, Tommy didn't stop silently watching over the little girl that lived across the street, Marigold.

"Tommy, love?" Grace asked him one day, as she rolled over in bed, the sheets wrapped around her tiny frame and she laid her hand on his rising and falling chest, her fingers tenderly stroking his flesh, "Does that girl mean something to you? I've seen you look at her when she steps out with her mother out on the street, your face lights up."

Tommy didn't reply and instead buried his face into her side, letting himself get lost in her sweet fragrance, soaking him up. When he didn't answer, Grace didn't ask again, but the question remained at the back of her mind, until the day she left Tommy and went to London, breaking his heart all over again.

Just three months later, Tommy found himself standing at the back, his head hung low, staring at the wet soiled ground as your husband's coffin was lowered to the ground. You sniffled, your palm pressed to your lips, as you pulled Marigold closer to you, letting the thirteen year old child grieve, and cry her heart out as her father was lowered to the ground.

As the guests started dispersing, the two of you kept sitting in the front, on chairs that had been put out for you by someone kind. Tommy slowly walked up to you, hesitant and reluctant. Marigold was the first one to look up and Tommy felt his heart swell at the sight of her. It was like he was staring at himself, the same ocean like eyes, her hair just the same amount of dark like Tommy's were, the nose was, however, you and so were the lips. This was the first time Tommy felt he had seen her this close, and the more he saw her, the more he felt how she was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid his eyes across.

You looked up then, and a faint, weak smile crossed your lips,"You came, Tommy? I never thought.."

"If you need anything, I'll always be here for you," that was the only words he could bring himself to say to you for he had by now, suffered so much, he had leaned to lock the young boy that had fallen in love with you, away in a corner. You watched, your eyes cloudy, as he left the cemetery, and you weeks later, left Birmingham, never to look back again.

1926,

The warm liquid rushed down the canal in Tommy's throat. His sleeves were rolled up, his hair messy and tumultuous, dark bags already forming under his eyes as he has been working mostly through the nights. Garrison was as usual, crowded but the Shelby room provided him with the solitude and the peace that he didn't find anywhere else.

It was just then when a knock resonated from the door and his head snapped upwards as Curly poked his head through.

"What's gone wrong now, Curly?" He said, dryly.

"Tommy, a young girl who goes by the name Marigold says she has some unfinished business with you?" He knew instantly who she was. He hesitated for a bit, his fists clenching slightly before he nodded, "Let her in and close the door, Curly."

Marigold bit her lip, yes she had a purpose to be here and yes, she had thought she had motivated herself enough to finally do this, yet one look at the man seated in front of her made her insides churn with nervousness. This was much difficult as it appeared to be.

"Take a seat, Miss.." Tommy pointed towards the empty couch in front of him and she nodded, absentmindedly sitting down with her hands now resting against her lap, "Marigold [Y/L/N]."

Tommy raised an eyebrow, regarding her through his cold, ocean like eyes, "You don't go by your father's name?"

Marigold didn't reply; instead she gave him a knowing smile and Tommy leaned forward, letting his elbows rest against the table, his hand absentmindedly grabbing his glass of whiskey, "Curly said you had some, eh, unfinished business?"

She nodded, her fingers toying nervously with other.

"Care to walk me home, Mr. Shelby? We can talk while we walk."

"Alright then," Tommy nodded as he stood up downing the drink in one go and began reaching for his coat, "I'll walk you home then," Tommy's eyes flickered as he waited for Marigold to walk out first, and once she did, he closed the door behind her and walked out of the Garrison.

Tommy couldn't describe the feeling; although there were no words, there was a warmth. Right next to him, his little girl, now not so little anymore, walked. Slowly, he craned his neck towards her as he pulled out a smoke and flung it to his lips, "How is your mother?"

"Growing old, that's her words, not mine."

Tommy smiled, looking up at the sky, his eyes fixing on the moon for a split second before he looked at her again, "I'm sure she is just exaggerating, yeah."

"Mr. Shelby, it mind sound like I am poking my bloody nose into your business, but I think I deserve to know. There was something between my mother and you once, wasn't there?" She suddenly asked, as blunt as a knife. She had the same fire burning in her eyes, like that in her real father's.

Tommy faltered upon hearing her words though, for he hadn't expected her to ask him this. He paused for a minute, looking at her with a perplexity, he wasn't sure how to answer her. She waited for a second and finally, reached out, grabbing the lit cigarette from his hand and flung it to her lips, taking a drag of it.

"Why would you think that ey?" Tommy blew out.

"Come on, Mr. Shelby, I'm not a little girl any more. I remember you at my father's funeral, the way you looked at my mother, even my dad didn't look at her that way. Come with me," Marigold suddenly grabbed Tommy's hand rather inappropriately if anyone was looking at the interaction and she began walking in a fast pace towards the building now right in front of her eyes.

"Hey, will you bloody slow down?" Tommy tried, but she was headstrong, and the grip of her on Tommy's hand was strong, although Tommy could pullout his hand in one jerk, yet he didn't. This felt personal and it somehow, warmed his heart.

Marigold finally came to pause, her hand letting Tommy's wrist go as her hand flung to her chest, and she began gasping like a fish for air, looking at Tommy.

"Now are you going to answer me? My mum's asleep upstairs by the way." The girl bit her lip, looking from Tommy, pointing her finger upwards, and Tommy realized that she had brought him to her house.

"Did your.. mother.. ever remarry?"

Tommy finally muttered, in a low voice although he had no bloody idea of whether he was ready to hear the answer or not.

"No, she didn't, Mr. Shelby." Tommy felt he could breathe again.

"Is that the unfinished business you wanted to talk about? Because its late and I don't want your mother worrying about you, Marigold," Tommy's eyes remained stoic, not a sign of emotion reflecting in his ice like radiant face. "Goodnight then," He turned away, letting his hands slide into the pockets of his coat when she called out from behind him, making him freeze on spot.

"I know you're my father, Mr. Shelby. That makes me Marigold Shelby, doesn't it?"

Tommy turned around, slow as a snail, and fixated his eyes on her. She had half the door open and she was leaning against it, her chin resting against the back of her hand with which she was holding the door and smiling.

"What did you say?" Tommy almost choked out, surprised.

"Aunt Greta left me some letters, for when I would turn eighteen. She left you some too, if you want?" She slid her hand into the pocket of her trench coat and pulled out a letter that still had a seal on it. Slowly, she extended her hand and Tommy looked from her to the letter, his hand trembling as he took it. It had Greta's signature on it. He blinked, an inner turmoil forming inside of him. Finally, he gave up, and handed the letter back to her.

"Won't you read it?" She asked, confused.

Tommy sighed, "It's better for the dead to stay dead."

"Christ, Marigold, what's gotten into you?" You frowned and watched your eighteen your old act like a five year old, her arms crossed against her chest, as she blinked, impatiently, "Mum, can you hurry up and get dressed? We are going to miss the 7 o'clock show."

"Alright, alright. I'm getting ready. Don't make a fuss, love."

Now, an hour later, you were stack in an almost empty movie hall, watching the black and white movie that Marigold was so interested in watching. And next to you on the right hand side was the man you had least expected to be there, Thomas Shelby.

"She planned this all, didn't she?" You whispered, leaning towards him. It was only days back Marigold had told you everything, especially about Greta's letters and you had been shocked. Now here he was, days after the revelation, and it couldn't have been a coincidence.

"You know I can't bloody say no to her. If it were up to you, I would have never known she was mine." Tommy whispered back, and you stiffened.

"Greta played a nice game," you drawled, absentmindedly turning towards Tommy, who was looking at you with a look of amusement in his eyes.

"What?"

"You're still beautiful. And look sixteen."

You flushed, your cheeks turning a scarlet red, and you were thankful you were in a dimly lit movie hall, and he couldn't really see. If amazed you, how almost nineteen years after you had ended things with Tommy Shelby, he still gave you butterflies, like you were eighteen again,"Jesus, Tommy stop. You're not eighteen anymore, and neither am I."

"Jesus, mum, dad, can the two of you please stop? I'm trying to watch something." The eighteen year old protested, but unbeknownst to the two of you, she had an amused, content smile playing against her lips, as she forced herself to look away.

You glanced at Tommy, and without uttering another word, you slowly sunk into him, letting your head rest against his shoulder, and your hand snuck into his, your fingers entwining with his.

If the two of you were eighteen and seventeen again, who would have thought that it would take losing Greta, and losing your husband to finally end up in Tommy's arms nineteen years later?

What made you smile, however was the fact that he was still the same; he still smelled the same like he did before the same lingering smell of burnt cigarettes and alcohol, mixed with a strong scent of musk; his hands were the same amount of calloused and warm, and your hands still fit perfectly into his. You were sure his lips would too, but maybe that was a thing for another time. You wanted to enjoy this night, watching the film, as a family of three.

Permanent Tommy Shelby Taglist:

@really-dont-forget-it @thepeakygurl @baumarvel @captivatedbycillianmurphy @nyotamalfoy @peakyfooky @buckyxreader99 @theflamecrystal @milea

Want to be added? Please ask, message or comment.✨

#tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby #thomas shelby x y/n #thomas shelby fanfic #thomas shelby x reader #thomas shelby #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinders

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ivyprism · 3 years

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Sooo. Dealer's choice, your OCs, what lyrics resonate to them the most from their theme songs?

Oooh~! Okay. So... Hm~. Main Ten and a few others.

Shelly: "I won't be! No, I won't be like you. Fighting back? I'm fighting back the truth. Eyes likes yours can look away, but you can't stop DNA. No, you can't stop DNA."

"Momma, I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore... And daddy, please, forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor. To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before! I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore..."

Delilah: "This is my fight song! Take back my life song! Prove I'm alright song! My power's turned on! Starting, right now, I'll be strong! I'll play my fight song! And I don't really care if nobody else believes!"

Blaze: "I know, that I am over you. At last, I know what I should do. Undo, my sad, love~."

Cherry: "Fuck away the pain, erase him from your brain! Fake it like you love me~... Come on baby touch me. Show me where it hurts this dirty little curse! Don't have to be ashamed if you wanna scream my name... While I fuck away the pain."

"I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me! I know that your love is gone... I can't breathe, I'm so weak, I know this isn't easy... Don't tell me that your love is gone! That your love is gone..."

Orange: "Now suddenly you're asking for it back... Could you tell me, where'd you get the nerve? Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had! But I don't really care how bad it hurts. When you broke me first. You broke me first!"

Stars: "Your lies are bullets, your mouth's a gun! No war and anger was ever won. Put out the fire before igniting~! Next time you're fighting. Please, kill 'em with kindness~! Kill 'em with kindness. Kill 'em, kill 'em, kill 'em with kindness"

Rinny: "A broken heart is all that's left. I'm still fixing all the cracks! Lost a couple of pieces when I carried it, carried it, carried it home... I'm afraid of all I am~... My mind feels like a foreign land... Silence ringing inside my head! Please, carry me, carry me, carry me home."

Razz: "We're living in a world with madness in the shadows! I'm here to keep you safe, protect you from the dark. Oh-oh, sometimes, I feel like a monster. Oh-oh-oh-oh, but I know what's best for you! Let me be your superhero, your dynamite! Let me be the one to hold you to do you right! Let me be your superhero, your dynamite! Let me be everything you need to feel alright..."

Mist: "Darling, oh won't you please calm your heart? Just close your eyes... and hear your heartache wisp away... Let sleep embrace you, don't be afraid of the dark! Please, allow me to pacify your mind.... Just rest, oh rest... and feel your pain be blown away... And no harm done, oh no pain shall come. For now, place your worries aside. Hush now, hush now... No one can hurt you now... See all that you've accomplished, now take a bow!"

Lulu: "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die... So you're gonna have to! I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, no, I don't wanna die... So you're gonna have to! Blood is getter hotter. Body's getting colder. I've told you once, I'm the only one who holds her."

"Death surrounds! My heartbeat's slowing down. I won't take this world's abuse! I won't give up, I refuse. This is how it feels when you're bent and broken. This is how it feels when your dignity's stolen. When everything you love is leaving? You hold on to what you believe in."

Isabella: "Oh, it hurts, and it hurts, and it’s getting worse! A promise you made, cut down by your blade... Can’t stand the rain, can’t stand the pain... How it breaks my heart when you tear it apart! So why? Why did you lie? Why did your words amount to nothing? And why? Why did it fall? Why did you leave me here with nothing?"

Ume: "Make reality FREEZE! I'm breakable, unbreakable. I'm shakable, unshakable. And finally, it drives me mad! Unravel this world around me just before it pulls me under! But now at this rate, I fear it's too late... Give up your searching! I don't want to be found. Your gaze would haunt me! I've thrown away reality and it has changed me. I'm not the same, don't call my name! Don't wanna hurt you... But if you must see look through your memory."

Phoenix: "I am a soldier, I won't surrender! Faith is like a fire that never burns to embers. (Who's gonna stand up, who's gonna fight?) The voice of the unheard! (Who's gonna break these chains and lies?)! Love is the answer... I gotta speak it, believe it, that's how I feel inside. (I) I (I), can't, can't sit here quiet.... You can take my heart, you can take my breath. When you pry it from my cold, dead chest!"

Kagura: "Say it enough and you start believing! They can tell you that it's righteous. Keep your chin up in the crisis. Say it enough and you start believing. In the glory, in the justice, they will drill it into your head! Ain't no crying 'til the war's done. Ain't no crying 'cause the fighting's just begun! No crying 'til the sun comes, 'til the sun comes up, 'til the sun comes up."

Kagome: "If you knew the truth, you'd probably hate me! I need a fight. I've got you, in my sights... Only one of us will make it out alive! I'm turning into a monster. You better run and hide! Turning into a monster, right before your eyes. My tongue is a weapon and I'm locked and loaded. When you least expect it you won't know it's coming. And I'll strike 'cause I'm a monster!"

Emiko: "Breath, should I take a deep? Faith, should I take a leap? Taste, what a bittersweet... All my, all my life... Let me face, let me face, let me face my fears... (Let me face, let me face, let me face my fears). Oh, let me face, let me face, let me face my fears! (Let me face, let me face, let me face my fears.) Won't be long, won't be long, I'm almost here.... Watch me cry all my tears!"

Prism: "Oh, I hope someday I'll make it out of here! Even if it takes all night or a hundred years... Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near. Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear! Isn't it lovely, all alone? Heart made of glass, my mind of stone... Tear me to pieces, skin to bone~... Hello, welcome home..."

Fox: "Warm winds have stirred... A celestial rebirth! Signaled your coming. The time of your grand return... Luminous star! Like a sword through the dark. You’ll reveal the morning."

@und3rwat3r-a5tr0naut for lovely Emiko~.

-H

#anon asks #theme resonance #Main 10 Skeleton Sisters #KH AU #villain!sona #villainsona oc #villain oc daughter #villain!sona daughter #undertale #horrortale #skeleton sisters' diner au #underswap #underfell #swapfell #code vein ocs #persona oc sister #mentors and apprentice ocs

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stuffedandfilled · 3 years

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September's Rambles

I cried myself to sleep last night, yet it was the best sleep I have ever had in years. The kind of dreamless sleep that you just unconsiously fall in to.

It's mesmerizing how you can find comfort in the little things in life.

Like the way my cat held my hand tightly throughout his daytime nap, and how my other cat nuzzled his head against mine later this afternoon.

There's this song that I've been listening to non stop and it lulls me to sleep at night. I guess sometimes I miss being serenaded to sleep. I'll link the song down below in case you (whoever reads this post, I think no one does but sometimes I am wrong) want to listen to it too.

I took a quick walk around the neighborhood this morning to help me get rid of a looming sadness. The weather was perfect, the skies were cloudless and bright, the wind was soft and warm, and the street was quiet and empty. I listened to a podcast because I was feeling a little lonely. How could one balance a need for human interaction and an excessive longing to be alone?

I reckon my parents named me Matahari because they wanted me to be their little miss sunshine. It's hard to see myself bearing any resemblance to the mighy sun, except when it is sunset and I am standing on the shore because I'm in love with the ocean and from time to time I do find myself wanting to drown and disappear.

I have a lot I need to work on and many of them still remain untouched. Out of those that have been touched, I have decided to try my hardest to be honest to myself. I figured the lying and pretending part was the most exhausting. Orchestrating that kind of self betrayal does not make me a stronger or a kinder person, and it certainly does not help me hate myself any lesser.

Lately, I got overwhelmed a lot. My youtube playlist is full of the slowed and reverb version of songs I listen often because even familiarity has now become too much and I need them to be stretched and slowed and carefully spelled.

My sister's 21th birthday is coming in a week. I can't believe that she's an adult already and does not need a lot of pampering and protection and pep talks anymore. Not having to do all that makes me feel a little lost because being an elder sister have been one of my identities for so long.

September is here and I am just coming.

#Spotify

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nitannichionne · 3 years

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The Captain's Secret (Chris Evans Fic) Chapter 5: Coulson's Memorial

I am sorry this is so long, but I did not want to break up this scene. I mean seriously, who interrupts a funeral? Thanks for the support...

youtube

Cap POV

CAP POV

I woke up with a start. Most of the time I was up before my watch chimed, but not this time.

I fell asleep on the couch with Lesedi. Fury had left sometime during the night. Her head was on my chest. She had managed to eat something, and had two cups of tea before falling asleep last night, still telling stories of the father figure she lost in half sleep. I looked down at her, and she was looking up at me. She got up slowly, her eyes full of sadness.

"I'll get dressed."

I went to my quarters to get dressed to find Tony already there and standing by my door.

"And where were you last night?"

He sounded like some of my old buddies back in the barracks when we snuck in from a long night. I shrugged. "I have to escort someone to Phil's memorial." I watched him quirk his brow inquisitively. "Turns out Coulson had someone he raised as his own. She needed to know she wasn't alone."

"Ah, so you comforted her."

I caught the implication of his words and felt the need to correct him even though it was really none of his business. "I stayed and fell asleep on her couch, yes."

"Aha," Tony walked off. "See you there."

An hour later, we were all on the helicarrier rising to the skies. It was a beautiful morning. I knew we'd all be reminiscing about him, trying to remember the good times and friendship he gave us, so we wouldn't feel so bad. I invited Lesedi along, giving her a chance to meet us all. She was dressed in a flowing black dress that was shorter in front but trailed in the back. Her sleeves were also flowing, with her hair loose and giving her the look of some dark angel. She sat on the couch next to me, almost as if she needed protection from everyone.

"I--" she whispered. "I want to thank you for all you've done, and especially for avenging Uncle Phil. In the ways that counted, he was my father. It helps to know the one who hurt him won't hurt anyone else. "

We all looked at each other. Suddenly, we all were softened, I could see it. Tony cleared his throat. Thor looked sorry; it was his brother, after all.

She was quiet as we all told her about our histories with Phil, how we were all recruited. She laughed at some of the things we told her he said, and even agreed that was how he was, how she knew him to be, too. She also said she knew about us to a degree.

"So..." Tony trailed off.

"Uh..." Clint blinked at us.

"Look, we didn't know you existed," Tony said. That was when I noticed Natasha and Clint sharing a glance and looking neutral. Hmmm....

Lesedi looked at Fury. "He found me and basically adopted me as his own. I wouldn't have made it without him."

"So, what do you do now?"

She was choosing her words carefully. "I work for SHIELD."

"Doing what?"

She glanced at Fury again. "Diagnostics."

Tony quirked a brow at me; we decided there was more. "Okay." I gave him a warning look and he rolled his eyes. "Maybe we'll get a chance to work together."

She smiled at that. "That would be...really something."

I held her hand or had my arm around her the whole time. It was a pretty nice service, complete with 21 gun salute, fly by, and a eulogy delivered by Fury. Finally it was time for Lesedi to step forward to spill the ashes into the atmosphere. I stood behind her to show support.

"Hi," she said softly. "I know of all of you, but I'm pretty sure you may not know me. I'm Lesedi Evelyn Munroe. I'm Phil Coulson's daughter." She paused to compose her self. "He was a wonderful father. We loved each other very much. We were a real family." She cleared her throat. "He was like that, you know, he was always reaching out to pull people in, or to catch you when you were falling or to keep you steady. He was always someone you could count on, someone who would be there to believe in you. He believed in SHIELD. He believed in the Avengers. I hope he knows how much we believed in him, respected him and loved him. I can't express how grateful I am for his love and protection. I couldn't repay that debt if I tried. When he went on missions, I was always afraid..." She swallowed hard. "He wasn't coming back." Her voice faltered. "So he would send me playlists of songs to cheer me up. One that helped me sleep was this:

"I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said, "I'll never let you go."

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone,"

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound..."

She sounded so soulful, at times sounding like a child, but then sounding like a woman, but the sadness was throughout. When I saw she might break down, I rushed to her side. I walked with her to the end of the deck and she spilled the ashes. It floated off into the air, and for a moment I thought I saw the SHIELD symbol in the sky, but it faded quickly. I held her as she cried.

"What will I do without him?" she whispered into my shirt as she clutched one of the lapels of my jacket. "I know I'm old enough to know, but I don't."

"For now, breathe." I whispered, rubbing her back. "I'm right here." Her arms encircled me under my jacket, hiding from everyone as she hid her face, and mine went around her. We stood there for awhile, holding each other tightly. She looked off to the skies as if she was watching him go. I stroked her hair, and looked up to see the others respectfully take their leave, letting her have these moments alone.

"Let's go, Evelyn." Fury said. He almost sounded angry.

I watched her heavily exhale, and look up at me. She didn't want to leave, and I didn't want her to. Fury took her from me, grasping her elbow, and I felt a loss. I locked eyes with him as I would an enemy. I didn't know where that came from. I looked down, trying to control my instinctively protective feeling that Lesedi was some sort of prisoner and needed me, needed my help.

"You okay, bud?"

"Uh...yeah, Clint, I'm-I'm okay."

Clint looked at her and then at me. "You wanna go after her?"

"You know, I just--" I couldn't take my eyes off her. Then she turned to look over her shoulder at me even though Fury was steering her away. "I'll check on her later."

Tony joined us. "Cap?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you...see that?"

"See what?"

He tapped his phone. "That." We watched in slow motion as the ashes formed the SHIELD sign before disappearing. "That's no easy trick."

"Tony--"

"Don't you dare tell me it's coincidence," Tony said quickly. "That girl is more than what she seems, and Phil knew it. I'm tabling this for now; she really did love her father. I respect that."

"Leave it alone, Tony--"

"I think Fury knows something, too. Won't be the first time, huh?" Tony whispered, leaning in closer. "Talk to you later." He left me standing there, coming to grips with the fact that this wasn't over, not by a longshot.

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#chris evans #chris evans fan fiction #captain america #the avengers #captain america fanfiction #chris evans fandom #Youtube

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vanchlo · 3 years

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The Partner / Chapter Eleven, "The Abyss"

Word Count: 5.4k / Story Masterlist / Read The Assistant / Read on Wattpad / Song: / It's Not The Same Anymore by Rex Orange County (click to listen) / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics, such as death, grief, and miscarriage

"The day after my baby died what shocked me the most was the sun still rose, and the post still slipped through my mailbox, and I still got thirsty, and the birds still sang, and the traffic lights still changed colour . . but my world had stopped, my planet had stopped spinning."

- Zoe Clark-Coates

I tried to stay there, beside him and with him, but I couldn't. The stillness had returned and I was sucked into its world once again, watching time pass in front of me. Waking up was the hardest, knowing what I had come back to and not wanting to move, let alone leave the bed. It wasn't ours and I was glad for it, if it was the only thing that made me feel a hint of that. I couldn't imagine lying in ours and my recommended bed rest was welcomed.

I didn't try to fight it, the emptiness that swam around inside of me, silencing my ears to Harry's words. His questions and pleas for me to eat. Somehow, I sat there and I did, sometimes. I ate and laid on the couch, watching Friends with him. He didn't think I noticed, but I did. I saw how he skipped the episodes where Phoebe was pregnant as we watched the show through for what must be the third time. I wasn't asleep like he thought when he tearfully told my dad over the phone what had happened. His sister. My brother. I pretended again when Skye stopped over with food that Harry took quietly, and when Myles did too. I listened in the bedroom or on the couch, my eyes closed, as he cried to his mom and then his best friend. I was there listening, but I wasn't there feeling. I couldn't.

I'd lost count of how many times I'd blinked and Harry had been talking to me, going on to repeat himself for what- the fourth time? How was I supposed to know?, I think this time as he stares back at me, a not so secret sigh following his words.

"I'm sorry. What'd you say?"

"I said you need to eat," he repeats, nodding his head towards the plate of food I hadn't touched. I should've known. Despite it being our favorite tacos from Pedro's, I couldn't even stomach the idea of actually eating it. Sighing, he's shaking his head as he dumps another helping of their chips onto his plate. "I don't want to argue about this again. You need to eat, love."

"Neither do I, but I'm not hungry, Harry."

Snapping the lid back onto the nacho cheese sauce, his head is shaking back and forth. Watching his movements, he habitually bites at his bottom lip, seemingly coaxing the words back in.

"I didn't push when you weren't hungry at breakfast, but it's two in the afternoon, Becks. You-."

"I had a protein drink. I'm fine."

"How can you say that?!" his volume shocks me, hearing his words echo around the empty house. Gulping, I look away from his fiery eyes and to the food that makes my stomach turn. "You're not fine. All you've had to eat the last few days are a few bites at meals, and those stupid protein drinks. That can't be healthy. You need to eat because . . "

"Because why, Harry?" I speak up, bringing my eyes back to his. They avoid mine though as he stands across the island from me, rubbing his thumb along the tip of another finger. "You don't know, do you? You can't use the 'eating for two' excuse anymore, because I'm not . . eating for two, am I? I'm not . . not pregnant, so why should I need to eat? You don't have an answer, do you?"

"Because of you, Becks. You need to heal, your body needs the food and-," he begins to insist, but my sharp tongue can't be controlled.

"Trying to shove food down my throat and practically counting the number of bites I take is not going to heal my body, Harry," I retort, sliding off the barstool and stomping my way up the stairs.

Stopping at the landing, I'm not sure what led me up here, seeing as how we're sleeping downstairs now. Something about 'less exertion on my part and I haven't even stepped foot in our bedroom since then' being the reason for the move. The day we came home Harry had moved everything downstairs that we'd needed, and to the bathroom that we use now. It wasn't the same, but was anything anymore?

"Why can't you just talk to me?" he calls from the kitchen. Already, I'm shaking my head before he's finished. I take one step and then two, but I don't get any further when I see the door to the other guest bedroom. The room where they would have slept, and one that I most of all can't step foot in. My foot lifts but I place it back down, wishing I could but knowing that I can't. No, everything about the wound still felt too fresh and I know that I'm not ready to walk back into the nursery. But when could I ever be?

"I'm going to lie down," I mutter, passing the island where he stands, shoving the last of a taco past his lips.

Padding past the living room where the last of Beetlejuice plays with neither of us watching, I hope that he doesn't notice the gleam to my cheeks. I try to wipe it away quickly, and only when my face is buried into the pillow do I let my scream out. The one I'd been holding in all day as he watched me eat a few strawberries at breakfast, during the checkup at the doctor's, and zoning out watching the movie. Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't stop the avalanche happening around my heart. It felt like the death of a loved one, because well, it was. There's the death and not even the funeral, and then what? Nobody ever talks about what comes after and how to deal with grief. Everything looked good at the doctor's visit and Harry asked a bajillion questions while I wasn't even sure what to say. I could tell he wanted to say something about how I'd been acting, but I silently thanked him for not doing so. Just like how I do the same now, knowing that he won't walk in as I cry myself to sleep for what, the fifth time in the last four days? No, it had been more than that.

I couldn't blame him, because even if he was here with his arms wrapped around me, I wouldn't know what to do. That feeling jumped off my tongue when I told him to go away yesterday when I lied about taking a nap. He'd only wanted to take one too perhaps, but I'd jumped down his throat. I didn't know what was happening to me, but there was hardly a small part of me that cared. I didn't even wish that I did.

Throat aching and eyes burning, I breathe in past the sniffles and stare out the window where light leaks in from. My baby. Our baby. I still couldn't believe that they were gone, our daughter. I'd never get to feel her kick or know what her smile looked like. I was sure it looked like his, lopsided with two dimples. That made my cheeks grow wetter, but it worsened when I thought of her name and the hollowness that came with it. I didn't stir when the door slowly creaked open, only staring at the new strip of light that interrupted the darkness.

"I'm going for a walk. Would you like to come?" Harry says, caution at the forefront of his voice. I couldn't find it in me to answer, not even when the next words came, making the line of yellow disappear entirely from my vision. "Alright, well I have my phone if you need anything . . I hope you sleep well, bug. I love you . . so much."

"Love you," I whispered, but it was too late. The yellow line had disappeared and so had he. It had only been four days since our baby had died and it felt like months, far too many. "Harry?" I call, sitting up to turn towards the door. Hastily wiping my hand under my eyes, I listen intently.

It's only moments before the wash of light returns, casting shadows along his face. His eyebrows fall into a questioning V and I try to ignore the extra tablespoon of sadness in his eyes.

"I love you too," I say tearfully, catching the tear before it falls from my eye.

A corner of his mouth itches upwards, but not quite, "I love you more, Becks." It sits on my tongue, impatient for its chance that I'm afraid doesn't come. "Were you gonna say something more?"

"No, just . . bundle up for your walk. It's cold."

"I will," he smiles, sending me a wink before closing the door quietly behind him. I remain in that pose, sitting up and watching the door, wishing he'd come back. I almost said it, but for some reason, I couldn't.

Why couldn't I just ask him to stay and to come and lie down with me? Because, he'd ask questions or want to talk about it, the thing that consumed us both, even if we tried to pretend otherwise. No, I was far past that. I never had the poker face that he did.

He didn't think that I heard him, but by now, we had gotten good at pretending in one way or another. Harry pretended like things were okay, and I pretended that I didn't hear him sobbing his eyes out in the bathroom as I laid in bed, faking being asleep yet another night. It tore at my heart but I didn't know how to tell my legs to move and cross the hallway to him. I acted as if I ate half of my plate at dinner, per our new deal, but I really only ate a quarter and threw the rest away. I pretended to not see the second glance he gave me when he walked in on me changing. I knew it but acted as if I didn't see the thinner reflection of myself, despite knowing how nutrition worked.

I ignored it a lot, but the next day when the doorbell rang yet again with a delivery man on the other side, it was enough. As I walked away from the door with another strong-smelling vase in hand, I couldn't fake it anymore. Seeing as how nothing was normal anymore, the kitchen table now overflowed with vases of flowers, us having not eaten there for weeks. My feet refused to move any closer to the hoard of a smell that now made my stomach turn.

I don't remember telling my body to do it, but suddenly, I'm watching in slow motion as the glass shatters at my feet. I couldn't tell you why I stood there, staring at the tendrils of water spreading on the floor. Neither could I explain away tossing the flowers into the garbage can with the note I never read. They all said the same thing. 'I'm sorry for your loss,' 'Thinking of you,' blah blah. Harry had been gone for a while, getting groceries at the market, and it was only a matter of time before he came back. I wasn't sure how I would explain this, and as I picked up the shards of glass, the guilt grew in my gut. The rumble of an engine outside made me jump, worrying it was Harry. Wincing, my palm suddenly burns and upon looking, scarlet soon seeps from a new cut.

I ignored his casual greeting ten minutes later, probably kicking the door closed behind him. He didn't say anything about the flowers, because for the first time in two weeks, I took out the trash after sweeping up the mess. I stuffed the blood-spotted rag in there too. When he pushed the bedroom door open with a long creak, I played pretend again, acting like I didn't hear his voice.

"You sleeping, bug?" his molasses voice mumbled, marked by the soft fall of his feet. I hadn't even heard them cross the room until they stopped behind me, and I felt his touch. "I hope you're having sweet dreams. I missed you, I do all of the time lately," he murmurs against my head.

I find it hard to not stir when his fingers drag against my temple with a lock of my hair. It had been something I'd gotten used to ignoring, but this time, as he pressed his lips to my temple, I wanted to reach out to him and grab hold, and never let go. The sensation only grew stronger as the sound of his footsteps disappeared, it all coming to a head. One that's only answered by a fitful of sobs racing past my lips, the first thing I'd felt in a while, next to the guilt at the flowers. Why couldn't I be okay? It stung, the words calling for him that I held back as I heard the sounds of cupboards opening and closing. I knew he would come. Did I really, after all I'd put him through? No, I didn't really know that. I wasn't sure of anything anymore, I realized, and it only made me sob harder.

Dinner was a doozy yet again. I'd come to dread meals. The stare-downs Harry would give me along with the protein drink he always shoved my way a good fifteen minutes after my last bite, if any. It was like clockwork yet again. This time, it was Strawberries and Cream, and as I grabbed for the bottle sitting in front of me, he stopped. No, this wasn't how it went. He usually took my plate and dumped it in the garbage, no longer sticking it in the fridge for later, because he knew that there wouldn't be one. Most of the time he only filled the plate half full, but today, I guess he'd gotten his hopes up and filled it high. Now, he didn't walk away and instead, stood there looking. At what I didn't notice until I followed his eyesight, immediately pulling the sleeve of my sweater over my hand.

"Hey, what happened to your hand?" Harry asks, nodding to the appendage that disappears like a frightened turtle into its shell. I didn't need him asking any more questions than before, or finding another reason to nag at me. "Love?"

"I-It's nothing, I just got a scratch."

"A scratch doesn't require gauze. Let me see," he insists, stepping forward with an outstretched hand. His touch is gentle but nonetheless, it feels foreign somehow, and I retract my hand from his. I catch his eye and look away, but it's too late, I've already seen how they look. How he looks at me, offended and scared all in one. "Buggie, did you . . did you do this to yourself?"

"What?" the word passes my lips in one breath, like a whoosh. Now, I'm looking at him and already, the regret has glazed over his eyes. His lips are parting with a save face, but it's too late now. "I didn't hurt myself, Harry. It's not like that. I-."

"Then what happened, Becks? Why can't you tell me, huh?" he huffs loudly, dropping his clean plate into a sink with a clash! It makes me jump and the sound of defeat from him makes him realize aloud. "I want you to talk to me, and . . I miss talking to you."

The cogs turn in my brain but the puzzle pieces with a few dozen missing ones refuse to lock together at the sound of his voice. What could I even say that would sound right? Nothing would, I know it. A quietness settles over the kitchen save for another trashy show on the tv behind us, my barstool squeaking underneath me. I could count the seconds that a word doesn't pass between us until my rebuttal is impossible to push down.

"Why won't you go to that session Dr. Baker set up for you?"

"I'm not hurting myself, Harry," I repeat, peeling my eyes from my naked fingers to look at the back of his head.

"Why won't you ever just give me an answer?" turning around, his lost green eyes fall on me. It felt like a long time ago, the way that very pair could pull words from my lips. Feelings. Kisses. Love. It digs past my own and deep into my chest, but it comes up empty-handed.

"I'm not going to a fucking shrink," I answer, remembering the bottle. Giving it a shake, I feel his eyes hot on the top of my head, waiting for me to give him something. That wasn't something I'd done for a long time, and not even the bare minimum.

"How come? You don't know that it won't help unless you try, Becks," I'm already shaking my head, sure to cause his eyes a roll or two at that. The sloshing of the liquid in my hand suffices my words, because they would have been a mess too. "I wish you'd at least give it a shot, you never know what will happen. It's sure to help to talk about . . her."

"I don't want to go, Harry. Please, just drop it."

Without looking at him, I can tell that he's not finished, even as I try to will the silence away with the glug of a drink.

"No, I'm not dropping it. This is important, Becks. You need to learn to talk about the baby. We need to."

Slamming the drink down onto the counter, the loud thud resonates with me, sounding louder than I'd intended. It reflects in his eyes when I meet them, wondering how they could still hold sunshine in them. I can't even remember what that feels like.

"Maybe I don't want to talk about her, Harry. Did you ever think about that? Maybe I don't want to go and talk to some stranger about how my baby died inside of me. A fucking stranger that probably has kids of her own or some man who's never even wanted children. They don't know and they can't know what I'm going through."

The artificial taste of the berries and cream had grown acrid on my tongue. Turning away from him with my feet leading, I could feel the one mouthful turning in my stomach.

"I can't do this any longer, buggie. I-I've lost our baby and now . . God, now I'm losing you and it's scaring the shit out of me," if my feet had continued, I wouldn't have kept walking. I'd known. I could feel the truth of his words ring in my bones, but hearing them spoken into the air was something else. "I don't know what to do anymore, Rebecca," the river had already begun to run in his voice. I was sure that if I stepped foot into it, I just might drown again too, and so I didn't. It tried to grab hold of me, but with every step taken away from him, its strength dwindled. The worsening ache in my chest at the sound I heard didn't lessen, not even when I threw myself under the covers and pillows. It filled my insides as a similar one poured from me.

It was as if last night had never happened. The entire thing almost, but not in the way I'd wished. No, I'd yearned for a lot of things in the last few weeks and not gotten them. When I awoke the next morning to the sounds of breakfast and the tv playing, it felt like some kind of joke when Harry walked into the bedroom soundlessly with a suit wrapped around him.

On his way back from what must have been finding his rings on the nightstand, he caught my eye as he slid them on. "Hey," he murmurs, a hollowness to his voice that felt deeper than last night. "I was hoping you'd wake up soon."

"Are you going to work?" the question came, piercing the taut air between us. We both already knew by the clothes he wore and the attempt he made to comb back his hair.

"Is that alright? It's just a partner meeting and some managing stuff. If you don't want me to-."

"No, it's fine. Drive safe," I mumble, turning to place my back to him. I could almost hear his nod, knowing it was there as the floor creaked underfoot.

"I will. Maybe I can grab some gnocchi soup on the way home for lunch. I shouldn't be more than a few hours."

My response didn't come and a further one from him didn't either. The sound of the bedroom door behind him did, as well as the front door and that of the garage. It had been next to never the first two weeks that the house was empty, save for me. Just in the last week, he had been leaving more for errands and grocery runs, no longer sufficing with deliveries to our front door. I'd only left the front door once, maybe twice, and that was for the checkup a few days after. A part of me wanted to just walk around the block, but the thought itself tired me out.

I couldn't remember how long he'd been gone by the time my stomach had rumbled. The last piece of cheesecake in the fridge and leftover pizza passed for lunch, if it was even that time. I couldn't do it anymore. Time. The light or lack of outside helped at times, but in our surrogate bedroom, the blackout shades didn't allude to night or day. I wasn't even sure of the time on the clock when he'd left, or even the calendar.

I hadn't turned the pages of one for a while now and upon seeing the date on my phone, it seemed foreign. Everything had at one point over the course of this all now, but the mysterious passing of it hadn't. I'd get the day of the week down and a few days later it would be a Monday again, unbeknownst to me how it could be. I grabbed another snack and was soon confused to find myself loading the dishwasher. Running it. Wiping down the counters. Washing blankets and fluffing pillows.

When I reached the top of the staircase, the blankets I needed just a few steps away, I didn't know how I had gotten here. As if in slow motion, I watched as the door swung open, the image slapping me in the face. I didn't have a clue how I had done it or how it had gotten past me to come up here to this room. The Room. Already, I saw the gift bags I knew to be filled with clothes and other gifts, the stuffed animals, small knitted blankets, and the picture frames with sonograms that once adorned the house. The image had already burned itself to the back of my eyes, only to be replaced by another moments later when the bed of my nightmares sat in front of me.

I didn't know why I'd gone to either place. The nursery and then our bedroom. It wasn't my refuge anymore because I wasn't sure if I still had one. Neither place was safe and my heart didn't feel it either when I pulled the covers over my head, an avalanche of tears making its way through my body. I didn't want to see any of that again. Being reminded of it all was something I couldn't handle, because I hadn't wanted it to be true.

The clock ticked and darkness remained in the room until it didn't. A new sound came, that of footsteps and with it was brought a light that I couldn't face. It built and grew, surmounting when I heard his voice and the crinkle of a bag.

"Hi, buggie. Are you awake? I brought home some lunch," I pushed it down again and again, but it was feeling next to impossible now.

"I'm not hungry."

"But I got your favorite muffin," he teases, crinkling of the bag following his words. The smell of the lemon cream hits my nose, but it doesn't phase me. No, the boiling underneath my skin is too different.

"I said I'm not hungry, Harry. What do you not get about that?!" I snap, pushing the bag away. "I can't believe you're already back to work. How can you just move on so quickly?" His loud sigh is unmistakable, as is the way he slams the bedroom door behind him.

The racing of my heart pounded in my ears as different sounds found their way to me. I laid there waiting and listening as he slammed doors and cursed, not immune to jumping when something shattered before a loud 'fuck!' of his came.

There hadn't been a sound for a while now when I pull back a blanket, at last not able to hear the pounding of my heart. I wasn't sure what I thought I was doing, knowing that there was no way around it. More like, him. Cautiously, I made my way past the tv playing a rerun of Saved By The Bell, and towards him. There weren't many things I'd memorized about Harry after knowing him for a few weeks, maybe shorter. I learned his cues early because I had to in order to work with him and to get somewhere, especially those alluding to his anger.

The broad back that faced me from where he sat at the island didn't tell me what I needed to know but the tension held in his shoulders did. So did the clicking of his tongue, the bouncing of his leg, and most of all, his shaking head and perturbed exhales.

"I saved you a muffin. It's in the fridge. I know that's how you like it . . Soup's in there too," the offer comes out slowly and off his forked tongue, one I know all too well. Perhaps it hadn't made an appearance yet, but it was right there, waiting. "No 'thank you, Harry' or 'how was work, my fiance?'"

"How was work, Harry? Who all asked about me? What lie did you tell them this time, my fiance?" I nearly retort, not afraid to show my horns. The lid to the jar of nuts gets stuck, but with a good twist, I get it. Pouring a handful into a plastic container, I let the next one fly before turning around. "What'd they say when you told them about our dead baby?"

The trained facade on his face washes away upon turning and quickly I realize what I've done. It's not enough though, because time has been against me for its entirety.

"You don't get to act like this. It's not okay to say that kind of shit, Becks," he tuts, wiping a napkin across his lips before standing with bowl in hand.

"But it's okay for you to go back to work already, Harry?!" the question explodes on my lips, but the volcano isn't quite done. "Our baby hasn't even been gone a month."

"You think I don't know that?!" his voice echoes off the walls around us, hitting my ears with an intensity that surprises me. If that hadn't, the expression on his face does. The anger that melts into something else. "Do you think I don't know how long our daughter's been gone, Rebecca? I wake up every morning with a new number in my head, no matter how hard I try not to. I know, okay? Twenty-three days our baby's been gone, Becks. You think I'm not having the same thoughts- feelings just because I don't show them . . And I'm not pulling a 'who has it worse' like our parents always have with us, but- but I lost a baby too, Becks! I also lost a child and you seem to forget that. I was supposed to become a dad in August to a little girl, but I never will now. I'll never meet our Phoebe Anne either."

His cheeks had long ago come to glisten as did his eyes that overflowed with them. I didn't remember mine becoming the same. Was it when something fell apart in my chest, or when the anger melted away into utter guilt? Maybe it was in between the missing puzzles piece falling into the picture and being unaware to dropping the bowl back onto the counter.

"We named her and we've never even called her that and- . . for lack of better words, it kills me. All of this fucking kills me, Becks, and I know how it's doing the same to you. It's taking you away from me and it's almost worse than the night I thought you were going to die, because I'm supposed to be able to control this. I'm the dad, almost the husband- I'm supposed to be able to fix all of this, but I can't. For once, I can't fucking make it all better and it terrifies me . . ," he trails off, crying quietly into his hands that he presses to his face. A weakness overwhelms me and I back up into the counter, afraid I can't hold myself up, but I already hadn't been able to. "Phoebe's gone and- I can hardly bear it. I know you didn't mean what you said just now, because I told Myles before I came that . . that I couldn't talk about it to anybody, Becks. If somebody had I know I would've started crying, because I did the fucking second I saw the sonogram on my desk. I went in to grab something and forgot it was there," he stops, holding onto the countertop as his adam's apple bobs after his words. Red like wild cherries, his lips press together tightly while tears run races over them and down his chin, as he stares at the floor, whimpering.

"I don't want this to break us, Becks- I already know it has and I can't . . I can't lose you. I have so many times and I couldn't handle it if it happened again, for real," his voice frays at the edges from the weight it sits under. The pounds of it feel dropped onto my shoulders when his eyes carry over to me, dripping with unspent words. "We lost our baby and I can't lose my best friend and love too, Becks. Please come back to me."

"I wish I knew how," the reply is a mere whisper but I know he hears. Even without words, he always does.

"You have to try, bug. We have to talk about her, I don't want her to be forgotten."

Bottom lip wobbling, my response is immediate, "Neither do I, Harry, but I don't- I don't know how to talk about her. It hurts so much. I still don't want any of this to be real."

Wiping the back of his hand against his nose, I hear his agreement in his eyes as he takes a step forward, "I wish every day that I could wake up and she's there and not . . not gone, but she's not coming back, Becks. And I'm so sorry," weeping, his voice is taken under by the current of the river flowing down his face. "We have to face it . . to talk about her and what happened. Or else, I don't see us getting through this."

When I realize what I'm doing, the look on his face tells all. Something sparks inside of me and I wish that I could stop shaking my head. That I could stop pulling away from him. "I can't, Harry. I'm not . . I'm not ready," I murmur, wishing I could say that I don't know when I will be. I don't because that would be a lie and although I'd broken so many rules already, I didn't want to lie to him.

Placing my back to him, I make my escape and drown out his sobs with the running water of the tub. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk about her, and I know he's right. If we can't get past this, we may never make it back from it.

#harry styles fanfiction #harry fanfiction #one direction fanfiction #harry au #lawyer romance #office romance #harry styles #harry styles wattpad #wattpad #fanfiction #young adult fiction #new book #hecky #pa harry #vanchlo writes

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heywardsarchive · 4 years

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track 3: Dear Patience ✨

Sirius Black x reader

listen to the song here

warnings; angst, bad writing, brief mentions of death, sad thoughts

lets go ~

Sirius Black was a person who liked to live life in a rush. He felt if he didn't rush, everyone would leave him. He liked to play around with girls hearts but hated getting his heart played with, he was a hypocrite in that sense. One may understand what he's going through but it's no excuse for the broken hearts and empty beds of so many girls.

The one time sirius black fell, he fell hard. The girl liked him too but she couldn't be with him. Said he moved on too fast. Sirius felt the words like a stab to his chest. He returned to his dorm, and sat down thinking about the way he lived. He started to see what she meant by moved to fast.

He lay in his bed staring at the top of his four poster bed all night. He thought back to the last time he sat patiently waiting for things to happen at their own pace, he couldn't. His life had always been this way. His parents didn't make it any easier for him.

Dear Patience

Can we share a drink and let go of the pressure?

Dear Patience

'Cause the last time that we talked seems like forever, and ever

The next morning she came up to him. "I like you, and I'm willing to try." He grinned but inside, he felt he didn't deserve a chance. He moved too fast. He told her that. She promised to help him slow down his fast paced life.

She kept her word. Helped him. The more time sirius spent with her, sirius realised that he was missing out on so much of his life by moving fast. He decided one night to go to the astronomy tower, just him. And the stars. He lay on his back and looked at the sky. Enjoying the simple beauties of life, something he hadn't done in a long time.

Feels like you don't even know me

Just me and the stars can get lonely

She joined him one night, looking at the stars. It never felt lonely again. He was content.

Sometimes it would all come back to him. The desire for speed. He wanted to rush into everything. He felt anxious, overwhelmed. He was drowning in his thoughts again. He worried he moved too fast. He was falling too fast. That's what she was afraid of. He didn't want to lose the best thing that happened to him. He loved her with all his heart. He didn't want to give her up. He was falling and there was no one to catch him.

Hey, can you show your face?

Can you see that I'm anxious?

Can you hear what I'm saying, saying?

Hey, 'cause I fall too fast

And I go down blazing

Can you hear what I'm saying?

He liked talking to the stars. They listened to him patiently. He would spend hours talking to them. It became a sort of habit for him to go every night. James was concerned at first, but seeing sirius look a small bit happier after he did, he didn't think much of it.

Dear Patience

If I pour my heart out, can you keep a promise? (mmhmm)

'Cause the situation

Is like a mountain that's been weighing on my conscience

If I'm being honest

Sirius removed all his guilt at night, telling the stars his deepest secrets. The stars would keep his secrets safe. It was like a huge mountain had been lifted off his head.

He was sitting by the black lake one night when she sat down next to him, running her fingers through his hair. "Why are you out here sirius?" She asked him gently. "I'm slowing down my life, like you told me to... I like talking to the stars, you know that." She smiled.

Feels like you don't even know me

Just me and the stars can get lonely

Sirius had just left Hogwarts. He left his childhood behind. He had decided to move out of James' house and live alone. Just him and maybe, her. He took one last look at his best friends house and apparated to his new apartment. He walked in and sighed. That was it. He was an adult, he had grown up now. No excuses. He unpacked all his things and walked into the living room. She was there.

Hey, can you show your face?

Can you see that I'm anxious?

Can you hear what I'm saying, saying?

Hey, 'cause I fall too fast

And I go down blazing

Can you hear what I'm saying?

"Hey." She said and Sirius ran into her arms. "I can't do this anymore." He sobbed. "Oh darling, I'm so sorry." She said hugging him close. "Why did you leave me?" She just sighed sadly. And sirius kept sobbing. He truly had no one to love, he thought.

"Stay with me." He told her. She agreed albeit reluctantly. "You make me happy. You make me feel loved. I can't live without you." "You have to sirius. No matter how much you don't want to admit it, you have to move on." He sighed but nodded.

The way you make time disappear

I hope that I find you my dear

The way you make time disappear

I hope that I find you my dear

Everyday he tried moving on slowly and steadily. He went out to work and made new friends. He even went out to party! He never felt so good before. He started to smile more and was happy! But a small part of him was still in pain.

One day he came home to see her standing at the door. "Sirius." She smiled sadly. "You're leaving aren't you?" She nodded. "I think it's time you finally let go." "But I can't! I loved you and you died! You don't know how much it hurt me." He said with tears streaming down his cheeks. She started to cry too. "I'm so sorry my love. It hurts me too. It hurts me to see you hurting but you cannot hold on to a piece of me forever." "What if I want to." "But you don't. You know it. You're just afraid of letting go." "Promise me you'll visit." "Whenever you need." She smiled, kissing sirius on the cheek one last time. He watched as she walked away slowly floating into the sky.

Patience

Can we share a drink and let go of the pressure?

Oh, dear Patience

'Cause the last time that we talked seems like forever, and ever

He would sometimes sit in his room calling out her name, but she would not show. He knew it was inevitable. He was scared to face the world without her. He did it in her presence, he told himself. Now he would make her proud. He trained to be an auror. He joined the order of the pheonix with his friends and swore to avenge the one he loved.

Hey, can you show your face?

Can you see that I'm anxious?

Can you hear what I'm saying, saying?

Hey, 'cause I fall too fast

And I go down blazing

Can you hear what I'm saying?

A year had passed, he had completely moved on. He no longer held on to a small part of her. He had moved on. He was happy atlast. He knew she watched over him from heaven and he knew how proud she was of him. He never would forget the one who saved him from his fast life and showed him the beauty of things at its own pace. He would always love her.

Dear Patience

Maybe it was possible for him to go slow and let go

taglist @im-a-writer-right

#sirius black x reader #young!sirius black x reader #young!sirius black #IVE SPENT ONE HOUR TRYING TO UPLOAD THIS #marauders era #marauders x reader #harry potter x reader

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transkenobis · 3 years

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hey uh, throwback to 2019 when i made a rand fanmix. posting it because it can't hurt, but note that the track descriptions and song choices are all unedited.

. BLACKOUT — frank turner

but it’s not enough anymore

we can’t turn just around and close the door on the world

it’s asking uneasy questions

this one’s for winternight and the eye of the world. it’s the start of the world going to hell and being overwhelmed by the shadow (“are you afraid of the darkness?”), and it’s essentially rand against the world. he can’t just walk away from it— his house is attacked by trollocs, and the only option he has is to go with moiraine. he doesn’t really know what he’s up against, only that he’s up against something bad.

. HERO — family of the year

let me go

I don’t wanna be your hero

I don’t wanna be a big man

I just wanna fight with everyone else

this song’s all about not wanting to be a part of something big, just wanting a simple and easy life. at the beginning of the great hunt, rand really does not want to be the dragon reborn— I mean, who would? but it’s a role that he’s forced into, nonetheless. at his heart, he’s just a farmboy who wants to go home. moiraine kind of forces his destiny on him, not letting him postpone it or shove it aside. but at this point, he just doesn’t want to be a hero. the song itself is very soft (and acoustic to boot), which I think nicely represents the simple life that rand wants.

. UNUSUAL — typhoon

get your pitchforks out

the crowd is coming and they’ve named you

why, gentle mother, must you wring your hands and weep?

tide brings you a sword, sword will cut you free

dead demands a tribute in the hour of our need

blood be the river to wash the ledgers clean

oh, it took so much self-restraint to not put more than two songs from this album on this playlist. offerings is just so good AND highly existential, so if you’re wanting more sad rand hours, go listen to it. I think this song best fits rand’s start of really being the dragon reborn, around (you guessed it) the dragon reborn. the world is kind of a mess, and he doesn’t really know what to do, so he just does what he thinks he should do. he’s chosen by the pattern— the world demanded a dragon to save the world, and he was the unlucky soul born on the slopes of dragonmount. you know, his blood on the rocks of shayol ghul and all that. this song, like the one preceding it, is softer— rand hasn’t hardened himself like he will in later books. however, around halfway through, it gets louder and brings in more drums. tdr is the start of rand’s transition from farmboy to dragon reborn, in both good ways and bad.

. KIDS — mgmt

we like to watch you laughing

picking insects off of plants

no time to think of consequences

this song focuses a lot on the idea of self-control/self-restraint— not doing more than you have to, good or bad. it reminds me a lot of rand’s earlier experiences with channeling and being ta’veren. saidin is dangerous, what with the taint and all, and drawing too much of either half of the one power has severe consequences. he’s not as in control of his ta’veren-ness as he will be in later books— like his channelling, it’s a bit all over the place. the quote at the beginning of the music video (it’s friedrich nietzsche, not mark twain, but whatever) also ties in with this idea— if you’re not careful, you can become the very thing you were fighting against.

. LOUDER THAN EVER — cold war kids

I was carrying my cheek

I was digging my strange

I was taking you for granted

you were holding the reins

but I can hear you louder than ever

whisper to me, help me remember

I can’t see you but we’re still together

I can hear you louder than ever

moiraine’s “death” is a tipping point for rand— he feels like he could’ve prevented it, even though moiraine literally tells him that he couldn’t, and that what happened was the best possible outcome. after she passes through the portal, rand realizes that he took her presence for granted. her advice was good, if often unwelcome, and after her death rand just ends up going off the rails in so many different ways. when she returns in a memory of light, he realizes how helpful she was to him.

. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH ME — cold war kids

something is not right with me!

I’m trying not to let it show

the taint on saidin is just really like that, huh? rand can tell that something’s wrong, with lews therin’s voice in his head. the thing is, he doesn’t let anyone know because he’s 1) scared of showing weakness and 2) sane people don’t normally hear voices. this song is fast, but not in an upbeat way— it feels chaotic, panicked, and just barely in control. the singer is almost shouting the lyrics instead of singing them, contributing to that feeling. I think it embodies most male channellers’ experiences with the taint— it isn’t smooth or calm like saidar, it’s a raging river of fire.

. DREAMS OF CANNIBALISM — typhoon

unhand me, I am not a criminal

but I’ve played a guilty part

in the modern sense that one pretends their life is original

I wrote a book and I will call it something cynical

the story’s slow, the hero does not change

and if he can, then he won’t anyway

instead his foes and lovers all become identical

this song ends with the line “soon enough you will be dancing at my funeral,” and I can’t come up with something that encompasses rand-as-the-dragon more. people are terrified of him— hell, even he’s terrified of him. the world doesn’t want a dragon, but they got one anyways. the second set of verses above is a more textual examination of rand at this point— a crown of swords through crossroads of twilight is incredibly slow, and rand doesn’t change much throughout those books (hence why this song covers 4 books). he could make a change in his life if he tried, but he doesn’t, since he thinks he needs to shut others out to protect them. the whole song seems to be conveying the idea of being stuck and not going anywhere, but running from yourself, which, to be fair, is very close to what rand experiences in his own head in these books.

. GHOSTS THAT WE KNEW — mumford and sons

so lead me back

turn south from that place

and close my eyes to my recent disgrace

so give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

’cause oh, that gave me such a fright

but I will hold on as long as you like

just promise me we’ll be alright

I picked a soft song for the softer scene in the gathering storm where min and rand are talking about how cold he’s become. he realizes that he doesn’t have to fake an uncaring and unemotional nature— to be human is to feel, and it’s not bad to be human. the song is about going through something that’s wearing you down (a common interpretation is depression), and knowing that you have someone helping you through it. min sticks with rand during almost everything that happens from lord of chaos to the end of the series. she’s a support for him, and too stubborn to ever leave him, no matter what.

. DARKER — typhoon

I tried, you know, just to toe the line

love all the neighbors and live in the light

sure, I stumbled sometimes

self-contained; a convenient lie

every source of pain, every sting of pride

had to come from the outside

you won’t even fight me fair

wait for the darkness, catch me unaware

yeah, you pull me close

then you twist the knife

of course, that happy, warm feeling can’t last, because that scene is followed by semirhage being sadistic and deciding that now is the perfect time to use this new torture device. because of that, rand ends up shutting himself off even more than before. he’s suspicious and cruel, and thinks only for himself. it’s scary, frankly. darker, like all the songs on the album that it’s from, is very existential, though this song is, fittingly, darker than the others. it’s filled with the sense of impending death and strong suspicion that characterizes rand at this point in his life. he tried to open up, and look where it got him. this quick change is mirrored by the sharp musical contrast between the quiet, acoustic ‘ghosts that we knew’ and and the more drum-heavy, electric, and distorted ‘darker.’

. MOUNTAIN AT MY GATES — foals

I see a mountain in my way

it’s looming larger by the day

I see a darkness in my fate

I’ll drive my car without the brakes

through lanes and stone rows

black granite, wind blows

fire lake and far flame

go now but come again

dark clouds gather ’round

will I run or stand my ground

oh, when I come to climb

show me the mountain so far behind

yeah, it’s farther away

its shadow gets smaller day after day

the obvious scene for this song is the events leading up to rand’s epiphany on dragonmount. I mean, ‘mountain’ is in the song’s name. I think that this song works well to represent the weight and lack of direction he feels in the days building up to that. something that works especially well about this song is how it builds, both lyrically and musically. the song starts with a hopeless and dark tone to the lyrics, and stays that way for a while. the bridge (second set of lyrics above) is where the tone starts to change. the bridge also uses a lot of imagery that one can tie to the buildup— the streets of ebou dar, the rocky and windy peak of dragonmount, the belly of fire in the mountain itself and tar valon, the city that the peak looks over. the song then crescendos into its final segment, where the singer sings “give me my way/give me my love/give me my choice/give me my fate/give me my lungs/give me my voice.” to me, these represent rand’s realization that the reason the wheel keeps turning is so that people can live again and love again.

. COLORFUL — jukebox the ghost

we're just getting started

take your fears and let them go

for the lovers and the broken-hearted

I! love! this! song! I haven’t found another song that captures that feeling of hope in darkness: when everything around you has gone to hell, but you keep going because the darkness isn’t all there is. that’s how veins of gold ends— with rand realizing that there’s something worth fighting and living for. the gathering storm literally ends with rand laughing without bitterness for the first time in months, if not years— he’s finally looking on the bright side of life again.

. BEAUTIFUL LIFE — the collection

you do not have to be good

even the best of us have been misunderstood

so get up onto your feet

the sun is shining repentance through the leaves

its rays will wash you clean

this one’s for the end of a memory of light, when rand decides to leave and live the rest of his life on his terms. he wants to explore the world, without the pressure of his past and who he was weighing on him. he has a chance to slow down and appreciate this “beautiful life,” instead of rushing through it towards tarmon gai’don. and that’s what this song is about, i think. it’s not super peppy, and neither is rand at this point. it’s more of a quiet and peaceful acceptance.

. ALL THESE THINGS THAT I’VE DONE — the killers

I wanna stand up, I wanna let go

you know, you know, no, you don’t, you don’t

I wanna shine on in the hearts of men

I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

over and in, last call for sin

while everyone’s lost, the battle is won

with all these things that I’ve done

first of all, the wheel of time series takes place over the span of two years, and rand does so much within that time. within this playlist, I don’t think of this song as an ending, rather a summary of rand’s life through the books. I specifically want to talk about the iconic refrain of “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.” it serves as a bookend to rand’s arc as a character— initially he refuses his role as the dragon reborn (even though he’s suited for it, due to his heritage and upbringing) because he doesn’t want to fight in that way. during the bulk of the series, he embraces a role as a fighter, even though he doesn’t have the soul for it. and finally, he realizes that he isn’t a weapon, and that he never was. on another note, the line “these changes ain’t changing me/that cold-hearted boy I used to be” hits a bit too close to his character.

#the wheel of time #wheel of time #rand al'thor #wot #fanmix #dislike him but this deserves to be out there so that people who do like him can enjoy it #matt speaks

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vfenrirsv · 3 years

Text

She left her books, her car, her clothes, and a note

But all she wrote was, “Tonight I'm leaving on a train,”

She said she's headed west, to make it right, for one more night

And, well, I don't blame her if she is

They say it isn’t stupid to stay and fight for a relationship, because love is complicated and messy and people are more than just the sum of their quirks and dirty laundry or bad habits. They say it isn’t stupid to put your all into your relationship, to go all in, to open your heart and love with all of it; knowing that you might get hurt as well. They say there is no limit to love, that there is no mountain high enough or river deep enough…but I guess love only truly lives in song and sonnet, because if love were real then wouldn’t you be in as much pain as I am?

Wouldn’t you be suffering under the knowledge that the person you swore to love with all of yourself for the rest of your life didn’t even act like they want you anymore?

But he thinks it's just one more sunset

And after all, it's her fault if she hasn't caught on yet

So why'd you have to go?

Would you even miss me if I were gone? Would you walk the halls and cry for me? Would you stay awake at night and look to the stars, wondering where I was and how things could have gotten so twisted and turned around? Would you even notice that I wasn’t there? Would something in your soul feel missing or dark? Would you run down the drive and look for me the morning after you realized that I wasn’t coming back? Would you scream and demand that the heavens answer your question of why, why, why?

Or would you sit in front of your television or play on your phone, and mutinously stew in your own silence? Would you go to work every day, nary a disturbance to your life of work-grocery-home-shit-shower-sleep-repeat, going on and on like every other day? Would you look around and continue to ‘have nothing to say?’ Would you even look around at all?

Is there something I could say to make you turn around?

Cause nights like these I wish I'd said don't go

Is there anybody there?

Can anybody help to get me out of here?

'Cause you're walking down a road that I can't go

I’m already gone, even if I’m still here. I battle with myself about how much more to bend or struggle or argue. When we argue I am the one spilling my guts, crying and emoting and being rung dry while you sit in silence with a quick joke or flirty comment. “You’re so pretty.” You say it’s to make me feel better, but all it does is chip away at what little of my feelings I have left. Do you even care? Have you even realized that I’m leaving, that I’m out the door, that I’m disappearing right in front of you? I’m disappearing from this life, this relationship, from the friendship I thought we had, inch by inch by painful fucking inch.

Have you even realized that I’ve stopped arguing with you, stopped asking you to talk to me; have you noticed yet that I’ve simply stopped?

Is there anybody there?

Can anybody help to get me out of here?

'Cause you're walking down a road that I can't go

If you were fighting for this relationship, if you were determined to stitch it back together; failures and all, would you argue with me more? Would you get overwhelmed and angry and loud? Would you throw things or slam doors? Would you demand answers and dedication and a second, or third, or tenth chance? Would you get desperate and panic, thinking that everything was your fault, like I do? Would you turn your mind over and over, trying to find a solution to problems that you know aren’t even fixable anymore? Would you lose sleep like I do? Would you forget to take care of yourself? Would you get sick to your stomach like I do?

Would you dread the thought that you’ve become a complete and utter failure, like I do?

Try as I might, I just can't handle this

I lost myself inside a drunken kiss, and I

All that I wanted was to walk you home

Save a sad song for the sing-along

Would you even recognize rejection anymore?

When I say “You haven’t kissed me today,” and you kiss me on the cheek, do you even understand how sad that makes me; how utterly low it brings me? Instead of dragging me close and laying claim to my lips and stealing the breath from my lungs, you skim my cheek for a millisecond before pulling away. If my love language were affection, you’d be speaking loud and clear. It doesn’t matter that you follow it up with a peck on the lips. “I’m just not good enough for you anymore, am I?” you ask. Truthfully? No, I don’t think so anymore. I am not going to apologize for outgrowing a relationship or a person who had the option to grow with me but stubbornly refused to.

When I tell you “I need you,” and throw myself at you, change my clothes and my under things and my actions, when I come on to you and give you every opportunity to have me in the way that a man wants a woman; you smile at me, call me cute, and feed me an excuse. Do you know how that makes me feel? To know that the only man I want to crave couldn’t care less for a taste of me? Have you even realized that I’ve stopped propositioning you? Your excuses taste like ash in my mouth and sound like static in my ears.

Do you even know the last time you touched me? No? I do. I am intimately familiar with all of the times you’ve left me wanting.

In sixteen days it will be a year. A fucking year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds, each an opportunity denied. Do you have any idea how the fuck that makes me feel? Do you even fucking care what you’ve done by doing nothing? Are you even aware of the neglect that I feel? That is YOUR fault. I am livid. I have spent money needlessly on lingerie and waxing and short dresses and makeup and have watched more than my fair share of tasteless x-rated cinema to get ideas on how to fucking please you and for what? FOR WHAT? For. Absolutely. Nothing. A fucking year? Are you fucking serious?!

We’ve been married a year and four months, and it seems like I don’t mean anything to you at all.

Oh excuse me, my bad, I pay my share of the bills – so I guess I’m good for something.

And what she'd give for one more smile

And how she hoped he missed her

'Cause, God, she missed how he would kiss her

You know, I lay awake at night and I wonder; would we have been better if we had waited to get married – would we even be married at all? If we had catered to everyone else’s needs, delayed everything, if I had been witness to all of this earlier, would I have been able to foresee how much you don’t respond to me anymore? If I had slowed down and kept a part of my heart to myself, would I be better off? If I had stayed with my job up north, would things have progressed as they have? If I put my foot down about moving down here, was more vocal against moving into this oversized house, more resistant about sacrificing my preferences and wants; would anything be different?

If I didn’t love you as much as I do, would I be better off? If I didn’t believe that sometimes love isn’t enough, would we be better than we are now? What if, what if, what if…

So why'd you have to go?

Is there something I could say to make you turn around?

'Cause nights like these I wish I'd said don't go

Is there anybody there?

Can anybody help to get me out of here?

'Cause you're walking down a road that I can't go

Who have I even become in this relationship? I can’t stand the person that I have become, and if I don’t love myself anymore how in the world can I expect you to? I’ve stopped taking care of myself, and I’ve stopped taking care of you – but jesuseverlovingchrist it isn’t my responsibility to take care of you. I am not your mother, your maid, or even your mistress. You refuse to take care of yourself? Fine. Then don’t.

And if you won’t love me, then I will just have to love myself instead.

I used to be vivacious, exciting, and adventurous. I would go out to drink and flirt on New Year’s Eve. I’d kiss a stranger, and have fun doing it! I’d dress and make myself up just to turn someone’s head, to catch someone’s eye, to feel coveted. I would pack a bag and go hiking or camping on a whim. I’d get on the back of a stranger’s motorcycle and hold them close and feel the thrill of speed and power beneath me on the highway. I’d swim naked in the sea and sleep in my car on three-day weekends. I’d stay up past midnight to watch the stars disappear and the sun rise over the ocean. I’d make friends of friends, chat up strangers in coffee shops and bookstores. I used to try things for the sake of trying them. There was always the thrill of the unknown.

Now? I stay at home, holed up in a bedroom with paint on the walls and carpet on the floor that I can’t stand. I fucking hatehatehate the color. Who thought that beige-everything was a good idea? I spend all my time reading books and avoiding the world. I can’t even live well in the shadow of my unhappiness. I just eat, and eat, and eat and grow fat and sick of the shade that I cast. I can’t do this anymore.

I’m leaving, and even if you tried to stop me, I don’t know that I’d even believe that you meant it.

'Cause you're walking down a road that I can't go

Yeah, you're walking down a road that I can't go

You're walking down a road that I can't…

Disappearing By Inches, by Vann Fenrirs Volchitsa

Champagnes For Celebrating, by Mayday Parade

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ecoamerica · 22 days

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jaehyunsuh · 4 years

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nct 127 reaction to: s/o being jealous and petty

REQUESTS ARE: OPEN

summary: you are both at your friends birthday party and your boyfriend (nct member) approaches excited to a girl you have never seen before, he is talking to her enthusiastic and she begins to be a little touchy and flirty what makes you jealous since he isn't doing anything to avoid it.

taeil

i feel like Taeil wouldn't enjoy your childish at all, he seems pretty mature and also chill so he doesn't wants you to come and interrupt his inner peace.

"What's up? You have been acting weird all night?" He enters the leaving room, taking off his jacket and placing in on the living room.

"Oh my god, don't all innocent." You say with an annoyed face.

"That girl was all over you and you didn't thought about telling her you have a girlfriend or just to leave you alone."

Taeil sighs frustrated. "Y/n, are you serious? She used to go to the same class as me and we were surprised to be at the same place. That's it." He tries to put on a calm voice since he doesn't want to start a fight.

"And that gives you both the right to flirt in front of me and act like I'm not there? Please go lie to someone else." You stand up grabbing your purse continuing to walk to your bedroom.

"Y/n is always like this. You want to have everyone's attention, make things about you and fight about stuff that doesn't even makes sense.

"If you did the same i probably would have to swallows my words because you would come at me and play the victim. I'm sorry but i can't take this anymore." He grabs his jacket making his way to the door and slamming it while leaving.

you are hurt because of Taeil words. Are you really always acting childish and playing the victim? You start feeling upset and proceed to go to bed thinking about how can you fix this whole thing. Taeil is a wonderful man, he doesn't like to fight or discuss, he never makes you mad and is always so thoughtful. You start realizing how the things he said were all truth and probably has been feeling like that for some time. The last thing you need right now is having conflicts in your relationship so you better find a way to solve things with him.

it's 3am already and Taeil hasn't arrived, suddenly you hear the door close and immediately stand up and make your way to the living so can solve things with Taeil.

"Hi." You say in a low voice staring at the floor. Taeil looks at you disappointed and then turns his head to the fridge pretending he didn't hear you.

"Look, i know this isn't the first time I've acted like this and i know i look like an idiot everytime i do it. Taeil you know I'm not good with words but i love you, and you are the best person i have. I've realized that my actions and attitudes through situations like this aren't the best but i act like that because I'm scared of losing you."

he turns his head and approaches to you, he grabs your cheek with his right hand and proceeds to connect your lips. The kiss is slow and soft, you can feel all the love that he is trying to transmit to you.

"I'm glad that we clarified things now, i hope this causes a positive change in you. I love you and i hate seeing you like that. I love you and i always will." He leaves a sweet kiss on you cheek and after gives you a sweet smile.

johnny

johnny seems like he would be kind of jealous about his s/o and kinda enjoys when she gets like that as well, it makes his ego feel good. Perhaps he doesn't like when she overreacts about it and start making up things. He can joke about it at the beginning but the he will be annoyed.

"Hi babe." He whispers in your ear leaving kiss in your cheek.

you don't answer, give him dead eyes and continue to take off your makeup.

"Oooh i see, someone's jealous for the girl at the party." He jokes

"I wanted to take here somewhere but since she rejected me i came here with you." He laughs making fun of you. You keep ignoring while he is just making you become angrier.

"Relax, I'm just messing with you." He gives a innocent smile. "Come on, let's watch a movie." He hugs your from behind and you move trying to escape his arms.

"Johnny, you always take everything as a freaking joke." You say staring at him.

"You left me alone and went to spend the whole night with this girl. You were flirting with her the whole party and you didn't give a damn that your girlfriend was there."

"Y/n, she is just a friend. You know i only want you." He tries to caress your hair but you stop his hand."

"Don't touch me."

"Oh my god y/n, don't even start with this sh*t." He claims annoyed.

"Oh my Johnny don't make me laugh. Whenever a guy is near me you become extremely possessive and i always try not to confront you so we don't fight."

"If you are just going to compare I'm gonna leave, you don't even see how much you are overreacting. You are always making things bigger than they are, stop being so dramatic." He leaves the room leaving you standing by the bathroom door.

you sight in frustration since you don't want to be right but you have to accept he is. A few hours past and you hear Johnny watching tv while you take turns staring at your phone and the bedroom's ceiling. You decide to make your way to the living room so you can talk to your boyfriend.

"Johnny." You say in a sweet voice, sitting next to him and placing you head on the couch.

"Uhm". He hums

"Baby, I'm sorry. I know sometimes i overreact and make scenes but is just because i love you so much and i unconsciously want to protect you from falling in love with someone else and me." You stare at his eyes being honest at him.

"You are so adorable when you pout." He smiles.

he leans onto you and grabs your low back pulling you closer to him. The kiss is heated, needy and intense. Whenever Johnny or you are jealous both of your egos increase and lowkey becomes satisfied because of how much you care about each other. You feel his smile through the kiss and start smiling too. You are just so thankful and happy to have each other.

"Please let's kiss like this more often." He smiles sweetly.

"But without making a whole scene before, please." He makes a funny expression and the laughs leaving a kiss on your forehead.

taeyong

for me taeyong is completely agaisnt his s/o acting all childish and jealous. He thinks he has made clear he is really picky when it comes to to relationships and even if he is really into someone they will realize how hard it its for him to like someone. So that's why he wouldn't find it with no sense if his s/o even has the slightly thought of him being attracted to another person.

"Y/n, do you want something to eat?" He smiles. You turn back at him and give him dead eyes and stare to the tv again."

"Why are you looking at me like that? Did something happen?" He approaches to the couch you are sitting caressing your arm.

"I don't want to talk about it." You grab his hand separating it from where it was placing.

"Y/n, we said that whenever we felt something we were going to talk about it." He has calm tone.

"So you want me to talk about it? I'll talk about it, you were with this girl the whole night and didn't even pay attention to me." You say in a loud voice.

"Sweetie, you know she is just a friend, don't overreact."

"Overreacting? I'm not overreacting. How would you feel if i ignored you with someone else the whole night. You don't even care about what i say, you need to be brave and at least tell me the truth."

"You know what's the truth? Maybe i enjoyed spending time with a girl who wasn't screaming right at my face and not even trying to solve problems, just focussing in her, her! And no one else." He says angry, grabbing his jacket and leaving the apartment.

you are shocked by his words and you have never seen Taeyong like this, he is always so sweet and calm, that's your favorite thing about him. You realized how much of an idiot you are hurting the best person you know, you need to stop acting like this when you are annoyed. You are the one who needs to be brave and mature and actually talk about things instead of hurting the one you love.

a couple of hours has passed and you decide to go to the studio, you know that's Taeyong-@ favorite place, you were always to find him there after he was sad, upset, tired, angry or stressed. You open the door slowly seeing at you cute boyfriend who is sitting in the couch in front on the cabin. He turns at you but ignores you a looks at front again.

"Tae, I'm sorry, i know you probably don't want to talk to me but i need to tell you that i love so much and i hate being like this with you. I'm sorry for acting like that, i know you wouldn't do anything to hurt me." You sit on the couch and grab his hand.

"You are always so nice to me and i always mess up with my sh*tty personality."

he doesn't let's you finish and gets close to your face proceeding to kiss you. His lips feels like are healing how stupid you have felt for the last two hours, making you feel safe. He caresses your palm softly and grabs it even tighter.

"Hey, don't ever say you mess up and that you have a shitty personality, okay? I love you and i forgive." He is really close to your face and stares right into your eyes and touches your hair.

"Okay." You give him a shy smile.

"Do you want to listen to what i made while i was upset." He smiles standing up in his way to play the song he just finished.

yuta

i feel like this guy would be most likely to be jealous over his s/o. Even though of that he would be really annoyed and would lose his patience fast if his s/o starts to act childish and overreact while being jealous.

"So are you gonna tell me what happens or you are just gonna avoid me for the rest of the night?" He already has an annoyed voice tone.

"Look, i wasn't going to tell you anything because i wanted to calm down but since you are talking like that i guess i would have to tell you." You are so angry and annoyed and the fact that Yuta is talking to you in this tone isn't making it any better.

"You always act so innocent, pretending you are the best thing ever and showing how great of a person you are, but tonight you couldn't even pay attention to me, flirting with you little friend and leaving me on the side." You roll your eyes and sit on the couch placed on the living room.

"Since I'm the best thing ever i think i can find someone as great at me, bye." He says firm with a clear angry expression on his face.

you start crying of frustration seeing how your childish actions make your boyfriend act completely different. Yuta has a strong personality and always express his feelings without holding back but even though of that he was always the sweetest person with you. He always listens to you carefully and gives the best advices. You can lose you man just like this.

you go to the Han River and walk until you find a beautiful yuta sitting on the floor, drinking beer and staring at the night view. Even though it's 2am Seoul is pretty active at this hour, you can see some other couples hugging and laughing sitting around the grass as well. You walk slowly to were Yuta is and sit beside him.

"Oh so you came." He takes a sip of his beer and doesn't take his eyes out of the river.

"Yuta, look, I'm so sorry that i say so many stupid stuff. I wasn't thinking clearly and just started saying things without even thinking about. You don't believe you are the greatest all the time and even if you do i'll give you the credit for that. You are the best boyfriend ever, you always listen to me and let me cuddle when i get sad. You are the best for me and i hope you can forgive me."

Yuta looks at you and smiles, proceeding to grab your face with the opposite hand where he is holding his beer. He starts kissing you slowly, pulling his body closer to you and making you band against the grass, the kiss is getting more heated so you decide to push him slowly trying not to kill the vibe. You both smile at each other fluttered.

"Okay, i know I'm the best. He says playfully making you smile.

"I'll will forgive you only if you drink of these with me." He hands you a beer while showing a bright smile. You grab it and smile back him and the kissing his cheek.

"Cheers." You say clashing your drink with his.

doyoung

doyoung would be a quiet jealous boyfriend, by this i mean that if he is bothered by something he wouldn't show it at the moment but would definitely talk about it later when you are home or smth. And if his s/o is the one being jealous and petty he would be so annoyed since he has made clear to his s/o that she is the only one for him so it would make no sense to him at all.

"Y/n, I'm your boyfriend, we have been together for two years no, i think you can talk to me if you are going through something." He says caressing your hair and giving a sweet smile.

"Doyoung, don't play the sweet and caring boyfriend role on me, I'm not in the mood." You say sitting on the couch placed on the opposite side of the room were he is seated.

"Today you didn't even care about me and now you act all kind and friendly, please stop."

"Ha! You are funny." He uses a sarcastic tone and stands up crossing his arm with an annoyed expression forming on his face.

"Y/n, you are never in the freaking mode. You are always avoiding talking about you feelings and turning your and our problems into ways with no exit."

"You know what? I think i need to breathe a different air to see if i can get way from your toxicity." He makes his way to the front door grabbing the car keys.

Doyoung has been the best boyfriend you could ask for, he always buys you food and sweets whenever you're feeling sad, upset or angry. He has never gave you any problems. You start realizing how all the fights you've had have been because of you, he's always so calm and paying attention to you when you are complaining hysterically, giving you support and advices.

You already know he is at a coffee Shop Where you met, since it us his favorite place in the world, so you call a taxi and make your way to the coffee shop wishing you can have a proper conversation and fix the mess you've made. You see him sitting right by the door so you rush to enter the coffee shop.

"Doyoung, i want to talk to you." You sit in front of him with nervous look.

"Go ahead." He says staring right at your eyes and taking a sip of his coffee.

"You have always been so caring and nice to me and all I do is to act childish and like a stupid. Whenever we have problems I'm the one who always starts the arguments and discussions between us and it's making me sick." You feel how your eyes star watering.

"I'm really sorry always ruining your vibe and causing trouble. I know I always avoid talking about everything but it's just because I don't know how to express well. Either way I want to thank you for always supporting me knowing the huge mess that i am, but I love you and I hope that you know that I will always be here for you just as how you are for me." You smile at him hoping that he can forgive you.

"Y/n, you never ruined my vibe." He laughs

"The most important thing to me it's that you feel good, that's why I'm always trying to support you and be there for you. Believe me, I love you more than anything else and I will always be with you. I forgive you and I appreciate that you are finally talking about your feelings and being calm that's all I wanted and I'm proud of you for that." He caress your cheek

He leans closer to you and gives you a gentle kiss. He keeps caressing your cheek while kissing you and it makes you tear up. Doyoung has been the best person you've had in your life and you appreciate every moment with him. He stops an then kisses your nose and the gives a sweet smile.

"Come on, let's go home." He grabs your hand and you leave the coffee shop.

jaehyun

even tho jaehyun gives a fierce and strong vibe he looks like isn't into arguments and discussions with his s/o, he feels like is a waste of time and it stresses him. Also i feel that when he has been in a relationship for a long time he has already make it clear how deep are his feelings for his s/o he would be annoyed when she doubts of him.

"Babygirl, what are you doing? You have been quiet since we left the party." He kisses your shoulder and caresses your arms softly.

"Isn't it obvious that I'm checking my phone or are you blind?" You are annoyed that Jaehyun pretends not to know what's up.

"Wow wow, you are mad, okay."

"Can i ask why?" He tries to kiss your shoulder again but fails since you move and sit on the couch."

"Oh my god Jung Jaehyun, don't try to seduce me trying to calm me down." You look at him with dead eyes and them rolling them.

"You were with that girl all night talking and flirting and you didn't even care that i was there, that's what's up." You cross your arms while staring to him.

"Babe, don't be so dramatic, she is just a friend that i haven't seen in a long time and that's it." He says in a calm tone trying to sit next you.

"Jaehyun I'm not being dramatic. This just shows that you haven't changed even a bit since we have been together, you acted all sensitive and stuff telling me how i was the first girl to ever make you feel good but you proceed to flirt with another girl in front of my eyes." You are now almost screaming and kinda attacking him.

"You are the first person I've ever opened to and now you use agaisnt me in order to make feel bad. Congratulations, you made it." He gives you and upset look and proceeds to leave. You try to stop him realizing the weight of your words.

"Jae." You whisper but he has already left.

you think about at the beginning of your relationship it took you so long for him to trust you, you always had to insist him to talk to you about his personal life and feelings. Two years has passed since you are together and everything is wonderful, you now how hard it is for him to show his real self and how new it was for him to let someone see all the sides of him, and that person was you. Now you know that you disappointed him and now he is probably somewhere upset overthinking about your relationship.

you think about were he could have gone at 3am, he isn't going to the Han River since is the easiest place were you could find him. Maybe the rooftop at his dorm? Nct lives in a small building that has a nice rooftop, you kniw how much Jae likes to go there and have talks. You take your car keys and go to the dorm. You run in the stairs to the rooftop in a rush to find your beautiful, and now angry, boyfriend.

he is sitting with his hand down and arms resting on his knees, you are hurt to see him like this and the worst part, it's your fault. You sit next to him and past his shoulder softly, he turns his head to you.

"Why are you here? Do you have something else to say?" He goes back to his original position hiding his head.

"I-i want to talk to you." You are nervous and trying no to cry.

"Y/n, is not that easy, right now i feel kind of betrayed. You are the most important person for me. I've been honest with you, i told how insecure i was about relationships and love and how you are the first girl I've ever fallen for. And you come and use that as a weapon, i can't even think cleary." He looks completely heartbroken and shaking his head on denial, not believing how you made him feel.

"Jae, believe me I know how hard it is for you to express with someone else and share your feelings. I'm sorry for being such a terrible person and using your weakness as a way to defend myself." You olay with your hands nervously

"I wasn't thinking clearly and just thinking about the fact that that girl was so beautiful and the way you are always surrounded by beautiful women and I'm not like that. The reason why I'm always so overprotective and react in a bad way it's because I'm afraid of losing you. I wouldn't know what to do without you and I don't want that to happen." You stare at him with tears in your face feeling embarrassed for crying and seeming so vulnerable.

he grabs your face, leans into your face and starts kissing you slowly. He begins to slide his tongue inside you connecting it with yours, he holds you low back pulling you closer to his body and intensifying the kiss. You place your arms around your neck borrowing your hand in his hair and following the kiss. The whole thing is heated, full of passion, love and relieve.

"Hey, easy, we are on a freaking rooftop." You laugh.

"I wouldn't mind showing my love right here." He places one more kiss on your lips and you both laugh at his words.

"I love you, more than anything the world. Let's not fight like this ever again, okay?." He holds your hands and give a warm showing his beautiful dimples. (I'm melting while writing this, oh my god😭)

"Okay, i love you too." You give him another small peck and smile back.

winwin

i feel like he wouldn't like to be discussing or having any type of arguments with anyone at all but he would put on an annoyed expression that his s/o would notice immediately. He would give some type of silent treatment and then talk about it while being serious. If his s/o overreacts he would be kinda confused and slightly offended because he feels like she isn't trusting him.

"I'm not even gonna hold back." You say throwing your purse on the table.

"You don't even love me anymore, you didn't spend a minute of the time with me tonight." He looks at you shocked.

"Babe, calm down, let's talk." He says calm.

"You are always trying to be the nice and friendly boyfriend, please stop playing that role and start acting like an adult. You are always so quiet and never confront the truth." You are angry and rolling your eyes. He makes a sad expression and stays in silence for a few seconds.

"Uhm, okay, if that's how you feel, bye." He proceeds to leave by the front door.

how can you be such an idiot? Winwin has been the best boyfriend ever and even since you've meet he has always been so honest and caring with you, he has never gave you any trouble and just showers you with love and support. You're sick to see how problematic you have become on the left this months of your relationship, but you think is just because you want to stay with him forever and that's the type of protection you use unconsciously.

you make your way to Ten'a house where he was must be staying. He is th friend who helps you solve your problems and intermediates when you need help. You knock the door and Ten opens it telling you that Winwin is in his room. You enter and see a sad Winwin laying on bed looking at the ceiling.

"Hey." You say almost whispering.

"Hey." He uses a serious tone not even turning his head to look at you.

"Winwin, I know for a fact that I'm the reason why we why we always fight. I'm so sorry for being such an idiot and causing you problems." You gasp.

"I'm tired to being the one that makes you upset. And if you wonder why I have been acting like this on the last this month it's because you have been so busy and full of schedule, meeting so many pretty girls and fans and need just makes me worried that you're going to leave me and I will have to continue to find my problems by myself. I'm sorry i just want us to be together forever i guess." You at the floor disappointed at yourself wishing he can understands you feelings.

"Y/n, I'm never gonna leave you alone, I'm never going to abandon you. Trust me, okay.? He gets close to your face giving a sweet smirk.

he caresses your cheek slowly and softly, giving you the sweetest kiss ever. He holds you wrapping you in his arm, making you feel safe and calm. You continue the kiss and then he is at the top of you while you are laying on the bed. He stops the kiss and sits again.

"I'm sorry, i forgot this is Ten's bed." You both laugh

"I love you." He kisses your forehead and grabs your hand guiding you to the door so you both can leave to home.

jungwoo

oh my god my baby jungwoo, he is the cutest person ever!! He would definitely hate to fight with his s/o if he feels jealous he would probably become upset and pout🥺 and then his s/o would find out and talk about it. If his s/o starts acting childish and jealous he would be upset and sliiiiiighty annoyed since he always is so kind and calm so he would be quiet and try to give you the reason unless you attack him, in that case he would give you some type of silence treatment.

"Y/n can we please talk?" He says worried.

"You look upset." He pouts and looks at you trying to read your feelings.

"Jungwoo, the thing is that i can't believe how you have played the innocent the role this whole time just to ignore me with a girl today. You are unbelievable." You sight annoyed.

"W-what do you mean? I didn't do anything." He looks even more upset now.

"I don't want to see you right now."

"Okay." He gives a fake smile. You enter your room frustrated and minutes after you hear the front door closing.

how could you even fight with Jungwoo? he is the sweetest human being on Earth. At the beginning of your relationship he was so shy and quiet and you always have to insist him to go on dates with you and even watch movies with you. Even thought of all, he overcame his shyness and start to being the most caring and wonderful boyfriend in the world. You never did anything that could hurt him since he's just so pure and kind-hearted. This is the first time a discussion happens between you two.

You need to fix this and you needed to fix it now. You go to playground nearby your house and search for him, he always goes there when he is feeling sad or stressed. He says it's a special place because it reminds me of it reminds him of good times. He's sitting looking at the families that are hanging out there and you proceed to sit next to him.

"Baby, I'm sorry for yelling at you. You have always been the best boyfriend ever and I'm paying you like this. It's just that you are so nice and sweet and i thought that girl wanted to take advantage of you. I trust you, i really do, please forgive me." You say completely disappointed at your actions.

he gives a sweet smile and proceeds to connect your lips together. You feel a whole zoo in your stomach, relieved at the reaction you got from him. He stops kissing your lips and gives you a little kiss on your forehead.

"Thank you for appreciating me and wanting to solve things so fast, i couldn't have pick someone better, i love you." He hugs you tightly making your heart feel calm and warm.

mark

mark seems like a friendly and nice guy, i see him talking about his problems with his s/o but in a reality mature way expecting her not to overreact since he likes to talk in a chill manner.

"Y/n, come sit, let's talk." He says patting the couch indicating you to sit next to him.

"You and your useless talk sessions, I'm tired, i want to sleep." You roll your eyes and go to the kitchen.

"Wow, so that's how you feel everytime i tell you to solve our problems?" He sounds disappointed and surprised.

"Yes, Mark. You always want to pretend to be so mature and have everything under control but sometimes it's not like that. All of the things you say are useless!." You claim firm in an angry tone.

"Whatever, talk to me when you reflection what you just said." He walks out the door looking as relaxed as always which irritates you even more.

one of the things you like the most about Mark was his honesty, but today you are really regretting following his footsteps. Mark always expresses his worries and feelings with you but he has never been even a bit rude about it, even if I guy it's hitting on you right in front of him he will just keep calm and talk to you really chill. You've always admire his personality and how much chill he is. You wish you were just as mature as him, now you realize that's not exactly how you are behaving right now.

you make your way to his apartment. You open the door with keys he gave you, feeling like you are invading his space but it's necessary right now. You hear him playing guitar and it males you smile thinking how much you love it when he plays to you. You go to to his room and open the door slowly, he turns his head but looks at his guitar again ignoring your presence.

"Mark, i want to talk to you." You say sitting on the bed carefully

"Okay, talk." He says fixing the strings of the guitar.

"I know i overreacted about the whole situation and I'm really sorry. I know you always talk thing and tell me to solve misunderstandings together and i didn't even let you talk, I'm sorry if i disappointed but but i didn't even thought about what i was doing. I love you and I'm sorry." You say staring at the bed, waiting for Mark to tell you that everything was going to be okay and to keep calm like he always does.

he turns around and stares right into your eyes, he proceeds to grab your chin in between his fingers and give you a gentle kiss. His lips start moving in the most caring and soft way possible, you slowly start to to feel how all of your worries are going away and finally feeling safe and lucky for having him.

"I appreciate that you are following my advices and paying attention to what i say to you, that's the most important thing to me." Gives you a gentle smile.

"Now listen to this song so you can see how much i love you." He kisses your lips one more time and grabs his guitar in order to start playing.

haechan

to be honest i see him as the most likely to immediately come with and sarcastic or ironic answer to his s/o when she starts acting childish. If you can be annoying he can be like that 5 times more, he would eventually regret it and try to solce thing trying to take the lead.

"Hey, you haven't talked to me in the whole trip home." Haechan tries to look at your face but you are watching the tv. You roll your eyes and continue to watch your show.

"Oh my god, i really hate when get like this. Act your age and talk to me!" He is clearly done right now. He hates when you give the silent treatment and act childish.

"I freaking at my age, you are the one who should stop acting like teenager flirting around with girls and acting like nothing happen." You turned to him and acted firm. He imitates your talking making fun of you while moving his hand mimicking your mouth.

"Oh my god, so dramatic. When you stop putting a show talk to me, i'll be playing." He says unbothered and makes his way to the bedroom.

Haechan is always so hype and happy about everything and when something that invades his happiness comes he totally blocks it. Whenever you have arguments is always the same, he leaves you standing and avoiding the topic. This might be a good chance to make up and organize your goals as a couple.

you go to the bedroom where Haechan is sitting in front of the computer playing one of the games he is addicted to, you seat on the bed that is placed slightly behind his gaming chair. Since he has headphones on you tap his shoulder.

"Don't." He says in a neutral tone.

"You are interrupting my game."

you roll your eyes and take a deep breath trying not to explode.

"LOOK KID, LISTEN TO ME!" you scream and take off his headphones. He turns his chair at you and looks at you while crossing his arms.

"Go ahead." He says looking at the ceiling sassy.

"We always avoid talking about how we feel, we end up ignoring each other and acting normal in the next hour. I'm sorry for acting childish and also avoiding talking like a mature person. I hope we can solve our problems better on the future. Hyuck, i love you so much, i just want us to be okay." You say grabbing his handand caressing it softly.

"Y/n, I'm also sorry for being the one who doesn't his age and making fun of our problems. I'll work harder for our relationship to be better, i promise."

he leans closer to you and kisses your lips softly. He is so sweet and caring, you really want things to work out even better between you too. He finishes the kiss and hugs you tight.

"We can play together now." He makes a funny expression walking to the tv and handing you the controller, you smile in agreement and take it.

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misshvariety1307 · 4 years

Text

Bad Luck? Or A Strange Twist of Fate?

Sitting in her dressing room, getting ready for her first number of the evening, Light felt a subtle wave of spark-ache pass through her spark. It had been a few months since the ill-timed encounter with Powerdrain, the big time casino owner/Deception mobster. And since then she had been missing her family and friends terribly. She knew that by now they would be absolutely sick with worry at where she might be. Sadly she could never tell them where she was and what she was doing in fear of them being slaughtered by her new boss and "keeper" for breaking her agreed silence.

Brushing on some gold glitter around her optics her thoughts drifted back to when she was brought to the casino once the agreement was made. She remembered feeling so..so out of place and so afraid of what she was going to be doing for what she thought was the rest of her life. Even all the costumes, clothes, jewelry, and other things Powerdrain provided for her felt so uncomfortable to use. But thankfully one of the more experienced dancers saw her distress and, after some strong convincing, took her under her wing to teach her and ease her into this way of life. She was sad though when she decided to leave for another club closer to home that was hiring. It just felt like she was alone all over again.

Then there was the day a month ago that she foolishly let Powerdrain discover her natural singing talent while despite trying to be careful enough to hide it. Apparently the safe spot she was using to hide in for solace wasn't as soundproof as she thought it was. Now that he knew about it he could clearly use it as a means to bind her even more to this place and this nightmare she was in. And boy did he. He was so smitten by what he heard he quickly made her up to be the new star of his casino. The first she sang in front of an actual crowd she received a standing ovation from the quickly amassed crowd that watched. Overnight she became a hit in the burlesque scene and was certainly an added value to Powerdrain's growing business and fortune.

With her quickly growing success Powerdrain only saw it fitting that she "expand her horizons", in a manner of speaking. Making a deal with the club his boss frequented he would lend her out to them in case they needed a last minute dancer to fill a suddenly vacant spot. Which to her meant that she trapped even more and it seemed like there was no way to get out. But....to be fair....it really wasn't that bad. The first few times that she went to the club she soon struck up a casual friendship with Knockout, the favorite of many a patron to the establishment. Soon the more they talked and got to know one another the more Light saw the fabulous red mech as a confidant and someone she could turn to when things seemed just a bit too dark to handle. Plus, the little tips and tricks he taught her certainly came in handy during her own performances back at the casino.

Once she had finished brushing on the last fleck of makeup Light let out a gentle sigh and stood up from her vanity. Walking over to the rack of costumes her processor glossed over those performances. Gliding a servo over each piece the memories of each one flooded through her, feeling the familiar rush and strange exhilaration that she got every time she performed. The moves, the song, the spotlight, the crowd…. It…it lit a fire within her she had never felt before and..and it felt so amazing sometimes. Looking up a bit she got a wistful look on her face, remembering one performance that felt so wonderful it was like she was in another world as she was performing. Closing her optics she started to relive the feeling until realization hit her and her optics snapped open.

W-wait…. Did…did she actually…like performing like this? Starting to softly hyperventilate she looked around, not wanting to believe this and started to remind herself why she was here. She was being blackmailed to perform so that her family and friends stay safe. The mech imprisoning her in this was a mobster and an evil mech that was just using her to keep his secret identity intact and exploit her for her talent. Nothing more.

Reaching up and holding her helm she shook it back and forth, feeling overwhelmed by her thoughts and starting to cry. It was as if her processor and her spark were trying to battle to be the better of the other. Unsure how to compromise she felt herself getting weak in the knee joints and stumbled over to her vanity chair, sinking into it before she collapsed to the floor. Leaning against her vanity she looked at herself in the mirror, wondering who she really was at this point and whether or not she was still the femme she was before this whole mess started. Crossing her arms she put her head down and continued to cry, wanting everything just to end at that point so she wouldn't have to feel anything and finally get some sense of peace.

Just then a sudden knock came to her door and from behind it an all too familiar voice spoke in its recognizable sultry yet chilling tone. "Oh my little trinket, are you ready to shine on stage?"

Softly gasping and leaning up Light looked at the door in a frightened panic, not expecting Powerdrain to arrive so soon. Looking back at her vanity and seeing that her makeup was somewhat messed up she quickly cleaned herself up to the point where she was almost done just a few minutes prior. Grabbing what she needed she reapplied what was missing while she spoke up. "J-just about, sir!"

Softly chuckling Powerdrain opened the door and stepped in, closing the door behind him before walking over and approached from behind. "Good, little one. Good." Seeing what she was doing he gave her a curious look while stopping and leaning down towards her. "Usually you would have been done with your makeup by now, my dear. What's taking you so long tonight?"

"Oh, I...I didn't like how part of it came out so I had to redo it. It was a late minute decision, I'm sorry." Looking up at him through the mirror Light tried very hard to keep calm and act normally. She didn't want to give away any hint that she was having a practical meltdown right before he showed up.

"I see. Well, I think that it was a very good decision to make, my pet." Smirking at her response Powerdrain nodded while reaching over and placing his hands on her upper arms. Softly and sensuously pulling them up he rested them on her shoulders then rubbed his thumbs around in a light and tender massage. "After all, I prefer that you look as perfect as possible when you're out performing. It heightens your appeal and makes you all the more...desirous to the patrons." Then reaching up with his left hand he gripped her chin between his index digit and thumb and tilted her head to look at him as he leaned in a bit more with a persuasive look in his optics. "You wouldn't want to disappoint them with imperfect looks, would you? Or worse yet…disappoint me?"

Her breath hitching for a brief moment when she felt his touch Light softly gasped and shivered. Venting heavier as she felt his hand slip up her arms a soft moan escaped her audials as her mind started to swirl. Shaking her helm she softly blushed when he took her chin like that and looked up at him with a slow forming guilty look in her optics. "N-no sir. Not..not at all. I….I know that's the last thing I can't…I can't let happen. Especially to you…"

"That's right. You've learned well over the time you've been here." Smirking at her answer Powerdrain chuckled and leaned in closer still, their faceplates starting to be mere inches from each other. "Who knew by that unfortunate encounter that I would have found my best money maker since starting this casino. And all it took was a little…coercion on your part to make it happen. Plus, who knew that you are such a natural with that graceful and limber body of yours?"

Her blush getting deeper the closer his faceplate came to here Light felt a cold chill go through her when he said that. It was as if he knew that she almost had that meltdown and was just twisting the knife further into her. Then when he mentioned that she bashfully flushed and softly shrugged to say that she agreed. "Y-yeah, who...who knew?"

Noticing her flush Powerdrain smirked and stole a quick glance down her body, looking back up into her optics with a playful and persuasive look. Letting her go he leaned away and walked over to her rack of costumes as he continued to coax her. "Oh don't be so bashful, my trinket! You need to be proud that you have a delicious body to use at your disposal. Consider it a means to reach a goal. After all, isn't it every little femme's dream to be a star? Well, this is certainly your chance to take it. Just let go of that modest thinking that you've been brainwashed with and finally take a chance to live like you are truly meant to!" Looking through her costumes he stole a quick glance at her. "And once you do, you'll see that you'll have the potential to be a queen of the burlesque scene. Plus get all the perks and pleasure of being one too."

As he turned back and looked through the assortment Light looked down at the floor for a few moments and considered his words. Was…was he actually right about what he said? Was she so wrapped up in keeping her modesty intact that she was missing what was right in front of her? Was…was this the way for her to finally do what she always wanted to do, even though it was considered by her family to be a most unsavory profession? Looking at herself in the mirror she started to think back to when she was with her family last and the discussion that they had about her preferred career choice. She remembered how sparkbroken she was when they thought that she wouldn’t make it and would be much happier staying where she was and married off to a prominent member of society so that she could live the rest of her life as a proper sparkmate. Looking away from her reflection she then begin to wonder if running into Powerdrain that night was really just an ill-timed accident…or fate showing her the way to what she truly wanted. Powerdrain’s words still ringing in her processor she still didn’t want to believe them but at the same time they…they made so much sense. Like before with her helm and her heart her sense of morale and her guilty wants and pleasures were wanting to war within her for control. She just didn’t know if she wanted to commit and really see this as her true way of life.

Making a decision and picking out a black costume with jeweled chains that would match Light’s makeup shades Powerdrain turned back and saw her deep in thought. Raising a curious optical ridge at her he walked over and reached down, lifting her head up by her chin again. As he did he gave her confident look that may or may not have bordered on his hypnotic one. “I know that you want to try and hold on to whatever you had left of your previous way of life but it’s time to forget it, my pet. You belong here now, deal or no deal, and there’s no way of going back. Best to just make the decision now and not let that pesky moral compass lead your life for you anymore. It’s time that you led yourself for a change and do what you want to do." Handing over her costume he pleasantly smirked as he caressed the corner of her dermas with his thumb then let go and stepped away towards the door. "Well, better hurry up and get dressed, my dear. We have a good crowd tonight so we can't keep them waiting. I'll see you out there." Giving her a wink he stepped out and closed the door behind him, heading off take care of other business.

Madly blushing from his caress she took her costume then watched as he headed to the door, nodding in understanding to what he said. The show had to go on, after all. Once the door was closed she looked down at the costume and softly sighed, running her digits over the silky fabric. If he was right and she needed to let go of her compass to be free to enjoy her chance at stardom....would she be the fool to let it slip by if she let it continue to control her life? Getting up she went behind the changing screen and slipping out of her robe she put on her costume, letting the fabric hug her supple curves and assets. Shivering a bit as the chains touched and settled against her protoform she pulled the zipper up then stepped out. Walking back over she sat down once more and pulled on her fishnet stockings and clipped them onto the attached garter belts on her costume. Making sure that they were secure she reached over for the pair of heels nearby and slipped them on, zipping up the backs of them while making sure the cuffs were sitting just right. The last thing was the somewhat long tulle and feathered train that she attached at her hips that swayed with every hip swing.As she was getting the last of her jewelry on she looked up into the mirror again and sighed, feeling herself coming to a decision at last. As she was changing she was continuously thinking about the last words Powerdrain told her before he left. If…if he was right and she should just…let go and embrace this new life….would she be able to come to terms with the consequences of her family finding out and disowning her? Remembering that conversation one last time she hesitated for a few moments as a realization slowly made itself known to her. No…no matter what she tried they wanted her to be what they wanted. They would never understand how her desire to be a singer was what she wanted to be and never accept her as anything else but as an obedient daughter who stayed in line and followed their morals. Looking away from her reflection she had to see that…that Powerdrain was right. This was her only chance to live her dream and be the singer she dreamed of being. Even if it meant that she had to become the one thing her parents never dreamed of her being then so be it.

Standing up from her vanity that familiar fire that she craved lit up within her and began to surge like never before. Ready to get things started she gathered up her train, slung it over her arm, and headed to the door. Stepping out she closed the door behind her she headed to the stage, confidently strutting as she did to get ready to perform her number. Time for the star of the casino to sing once more.

Watching her from the nearby shadows Powerdrain smirked and quietly chuckled as a victorious smirk crossed his gaze. Seeing how confident she was when she came out he knew that his little prodding and convincing had worked like a charm. Plus adding just a tinge of his hypnotic power to seal the deal worked to perfection. Knowing that she would be a liability the longer she feared being there and yearned for the possibility of freedom he had to do something to persuade her to stay and truly become his shining diamond. And to keep his mob identity perfectly intact.

Pleased that his plan had worked he stepped out and continued to watch as his prize disappeared around the corner. Deciding that he needed a well deserved break he headed out to the bar, got himself a much needed drink, then went over his reserved booth. Sitting down and relaxing he waited for his star to shine once more and enjoy the show.

}{}{}{}{

A little drabble that popped into my head while working on the colored versions of Cops and Mobs AU Light and Powerdrain XD. Hmm, is there more to Powerdrain’s plan? What more could he have in store for Light in the future? I just might have to write a sequel to find out!

This au is so much fun to be a part of! I hope you all like it!

Cops and Mobs AU belongs to @pastelpaperplanes

#transformers animated #cops and mobs au #drabble #fanfiction #oc #mccadam

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r3b3lgrrrrrrrl · 5 years

Text

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 66)

"Freak Outs on a Sunday"

@creatureofthen1ght-v3

@lovemythsworld

@crystalbaby12

@southsidequeenie

✳NOTE✳ I changed the tone of the argument in Chapter 63 over the picture. It carries into this one.

✳ALSO✳ The end of this chapter is in the comments bc Tumblr is acting like an ASSHOLE.

"Mooom-Mom!! You know where my board is!?" Luna shouts from her bedroom in Patti's home.

She's looking for her skateboard. She wants to take it on tour with her. Plus, Casie's shown a real interest and Luna wants to harbor it. She looks under her bed, in her closet, behind her door and in the spare room where a bunch of her shit is. She can't find it.

"What the fuuuuckk..." She says to herself, irritated.

Still looking, her mind is also spiraling out from the last few days.

"I can't find fucking ANYTHING.... UGH... My stuff is everrywhere.... I just want my stuff.... I can't fucking deal with this shit..... WHAT THE FUUUUCKKK!!" Luna starts to cry as she runs her hands through her hair in frustration.

She screams "MOM-MOOOOOOM!!!!!"

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In the kitchen with Patti, Casie and Joni, Colson hears Luna.

"Uhm, I think Luna's calling you, Pat." Colson says.

Patti looks up from the puzzle she's putting together with Casie amd her bestfriend. It's of one of Luna's favorite photographs by her grandfather. Patti having it custom made. Puzzles are a hobby she loves and shares with her granddaughter.

It's over 4K peices. Patti's been working on it for 6mnths. Luna helping along the way.

"Is she?" She asks before going back to the puzzle.

"This one's REALLY hard. There's no colors." Casie complains.

"Oh! That's the best part! You really to focus on finding the matching partners." Patti tells the little girl in a poetic way.

"MOM-MOOOOOOOM!!!!!"

Colson stands up immediately hearing Luna. Patti looks at Casie and Colson, waving off their concern.

"I've got her." She tells them as she stands up from the table.

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Luna's ripping through her closet again when Patti enters her bedroom.

"LUNA! What the hell are you doing!?" Patti asks, shutting the door.

As Luna comes out of her closet and Patti sees her face she softens.

"LunaBuug... What's going on, Honey?" She asks her granddaughter concerned.

Luna's shaking with tears streaming down her face. She running her hands through her hair again as she speaks frantically to her grandmother.

"My fucking stuff, Mom-mom. You know how I feel about my stuff. I can't find my fucking skateboard because my shit's everywhere. All through here. In the fucking shortage locker. At Ashley. Colson's. Shit, Mom-mom, I even have stuff in fucking CLEVELAND!"

Luna throws her hands up in frustration. Stopping and just looking at her grandmother. Tears still dropping. Patti takes her hand. Leading her to the bed, she sits down with her and sparks a joint. Smoking it with her granddaughter, Patti asks Luna What's Really Going On?

Luna sighs, taking the joint from her grandmom. Rubbing her forehead, she thinks of how to explain her current life as they pass the joint back and forth. Patti simply listening as the flood gates open.

"I just... I just feel like I'm really exposed and all over the place right now. Everything's changing so fast. I feel like everyone is up my ass. Radio stations are calling my phone for surprise interviews... I'm all over The fucking Internet because I'm in some weird song fight with a girl I don't even know.... The fucking Paps have been on me since I hit town..... And I don't need anyone looking at me.... And MY STUUUUUFFFFF. I can't find my stuff because I don't have a fucking home Mom-Mom." She's crying again.

Luna's curled up on the bed, head laid in Patti's lap. Patti strokes Luna's hair, she takes a moment before responding to her granddaughter.

"You always have a home here LunaBug." She begins to comfort her.

"I know Mom-Mom, but it's not the same. I think I'm gonna buy something in The City. I'm waiting to talk to Monica." Luna hits the joint again before passing it to her grandmom.

"Well, there you go. You're on the right track. You're like a bird Luna, you can go anywhere but you need a nest to fly back to.... But tell me about this, what did you say? Song fight? What is that?" She looks down at her granddaughter's face in her lap.

Luna sighs and rolls her eyes. She tries to explain how this one girl doesn't like her. That she's not sure if it's because Colson or herself at this point.

Letting her in on the sneak Breakfast Club interview. How Luna tried to play it cool even with the Instagram post and Snaps. But the song BeBe put out had finally been enough.

She tells her grandmother that she retaliated with her own song. Dropping it in a more public manner then ever before. Ripping open the tiny slit Bad Things and Nightmare had made into her private life.

Patti immediately wants to hear both songs. Luna plays them back to back. BeBe's first. Patti's shocked at the content..

"That poor, little girl. She comes off very desperate and jealous." Patti says, having the same sad reaction for Bleta as Luna did initially. "You're quite the bitch too there, Loons." She chuckles at her granddaughter's mean response to the girl. "That's a different sound for you. If you didn't tell me, I don't know if I would've known that was something of yours.

For some reason this irritates Luna.

"Really? See, fucking changes...." She says, shaking her head.

They burn through the joint. Sitting up, Luna sparks another one before she lays back on the bed. Patti lays on her side next to her. They continue to talk and get high together.

"Good or Bad changes?" She asks her.

"I don't know. Good and bad. Colson's good. Casie's good. But honestly, it's a little weird. I love her but you know kids freak me out. She's a whole, tiny person. Watching, wanting me to teach her stuff. It's pretty intimidating."

Luna looks over as her grandmother laughs at her. She passes her the joint before continuing.

"I like being on The West Coast and close to Ash... I just... I don't like to be looked at Mom-Mom, you know this. And I feel like a LOT of people are looking at me who don't need to know about the stuff I do. Like, they're everywhere. They caught me coming out of a bar and I didn't even know! What would I have done if they'd have been around the night I helped Marissa? I'd have been fucked."

Patti knows Luna's right. She tells her she doesn't know how to advise her, never having to deal with photographers in this despicable way in her day. IF you can even call them photographers. Turning to her, she asks her granddaughter bluntly if she's seeing her therapist.

"No." Luna says sheepishly.

"Why not?" Patti wants to know.

"Comes I'm not ho...."

"That's no excuse, Luna. You could be doing phone sessions."

"I never know where I'm gonna be at what time." Luna tries to protest.

"Not an excuse. You need to speak to Kylie. You're right, a lot of things have changed and they're going to keep changing. You need to get ahead of it. Fame is at your door, Luna. You're gonna need Kylie to help you navigate it. I want you start weekly phone sessions with her again. Carve out 45mins and take care of yourself. You know what happens when you don't." Patti tries to guide the young woman.

Luna sighs. She knows her grandmother's right. Rolling towards her, she hugs her mom-mom. She really doesn't feel any better though.

Hugging Luna back and looking over her shoulder, Patti spies the skateboard. It's leaning against the armoire, hidden by a tossed tapestry.

"Look." She says, pointing as Luna rolls over. "There it is. Sometimes we need to slow down and take a moment to find things. Isn't that how you met Colson? You took your time and found what was right for you, yeah? Patti says.

Rolling over, a weird relief washes over Luna when she sees her board. Patti's words sitting in her mind but with everything moving so fast all the time, she doesn't know how to slow anything down.

"It's just a lot Mom-Mom.... And I don't know how to stop it." Luna admits.

"I know, Kiddo." Patti strokes Luna hair again.

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Concerned about Luna. Colson tells Casie he'll be right back. She still trying to figure out the puzzle with Joni.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Colson knocks on the door before he heads in.

"You okay?" He asks with a worried look on his face.

Patti and Luna are still laying across the bed together. Both of them sitting up, Patti pats Luna on the knee before kissing her forehead.

"I'm gonna give you guys a minute. I love you, Kiddo. Call Kylie." She says.

Patti pats Colson on the shoulder as she passes him before walking out of the room. She heads back to the kitchen with Casie and Joni. She's worried about Luna.

"Who's Kylie?" Colson asks sitting on the bed next to Luna.

"My therapist." She tells him in a monotone voice.

"So, everything's not okay?" He asks taking her hand.

"No. It's not. I know you feel some type of way about that picture with Tommy but I did too. For different reasons." She sighs, lacing her fingers inside Colson's.

Luna goes on to explain how she's worried about people digging too deep into her life. Especially with the Dark Web and ICE. She goes on to say that there's other things she still needs to take care of too that can't be exposed. Shaking her head No, she tells him she'll explain that another time when he asks what she's referring to. Luna then tells Colson she's thinking about buying another place in NY.

"Why?" He asks, immediately concerned for their relationship.

"Because I need a place for my stuff. It's everywhere." She answers.

"Put it at my place." Colson replies.

"I have stuff at you place, but I need the space. I have furniture and shit. I can't move another house into your house." She tells him.

"So, are you staying in NY then?" He asks confused with his eyebrows furrowed.

"What the fuck is happening... Is she breaking up with me???" Colson's heart pounds as his mind panics.

"No. We're just always in The City though... And it's my home. My grandma's here. My friends are here. It's like you having places in LA and Clevland. It'll be big enough for all of us to stay in. And Ash can even use it too." It makes perfect sense to Luna.

Understanding what Luna's saying now, Colson nods his head. Letting go of her hand to rub the small of her back, he apologizes for only being focused on the Tommy part and not the bigger picture. He tells that they'll figure out this Paparazzi thing together. He knows Luna doesn't like to be controlled and to her this is a form of control.

"It'll be okay." Colson tries to reassure.

Luna sighs looking at him. She's not so sure.

"Come on." He says, pulling her off the bed. "We're gonna be late for brunch."

------------------------------------------------

Everyone is standing outside waiting for a table for brunch at Santina. Colson, Slim and Rook are talking about the tour.

"I'm telling you, if we do it right, it'll be epic." Rook debates on the stage prop he has an idea for.

"How are we gonna move, Dawg?" Slim asks him.

Colson looks over to Slim. He doesn't think it's too bad of an idea. Before he can speak, Benny calls out Yo. Their table is ready.

They're loud at brunch. There's a lot of them. It's Luna and Colson with Casie, her grandmother and Joni. Ashley, Dom, Pete and Kate. Ashleigh, Slim, Rook, Benny and Baze.

They order mimosas with their food.

Laughing and talking about last night. They enjoy their food and company.

Ashleigh asks Casie how her sleep over was. Casie giggles with Patti and Joni as they talk about the dance party they had. How delicious their cookies were and the funny photos Patti had shown off of Luna as a kid.

"Loons?"

Luna turns at the sound of one of her many names. The sun's bright and she can't see who it is.

It's Jason and Olivia. They were just about to leave.

"HEY!!" She exclaims jumping up.

She hugs them both. Asking how they are and about Daisy. They catch her up lightly before she introduces them to the table. Colson standing up to shake Jason's hand.

"Nice to meet you, Man." Colson says.

"Likewise." Jason replies.

They pull over two chairs and sit down with them. Olivia congratulating Ashley and Luna on their perforce last night. They watch SNL every week religiously.

"You were funny as hell too!" Jason agrees complimenting Ashley.

She blushes while thanking them. Ashley's a huge fan of both of them.

Olivia and Jason stick around for the rest of brunch, catching up with Luna. Talking with the rest of the group.

Rook speaks to Patti and Joni about what it was like in NY in the 70s. Baze joining in on the conversation at one end of the table while the other end is ridiculous with jokes between Colson, Pete and Jason.

Finishing up, they pay their bill and hit the pavement. Still laughing they all hug and say Goodbye before going their seperate ways.

Patti hugging Luna extra tight, reminding her to call Kylie.

Olivia and Jason walk down the street headed home. Kate and Pete hop a cab, their going to catch an afternoon movie. Patti and Joni take a seperate cab to Annie's. While Luna, Colson, Casie, Benny, Slim, Rook, Baze and Ashleigh take three other cabs to the the brownstone to grab their luggage before going to the airport. Ashley and Dom are meeting them there after stopping off at their hotel to grab their things also.

-----------------------------------------------

They fly out of LaGuardia.

Ashley, Dom, Rook and Benny heading to LA. They rest of them returning to Cleveland.

Both flights are uneventful. Each group sitting and chattering with each other.

They all land safely at their destinations.

-----------------------------------------------

Back at Colson's, Casie jumps onto him.

"Pleeeeease Dad..." Casie gives him a pouty face.

"Yeah, please Dad." Luna laughs.

It's early in the evening and they wanna go to the skate park. Shaking his head and laughing he agrees.

-----------------------------------------------

Later, after Casie's in bed. Luna and Colson are chilling on his bed together. Opening Netflix on the laptop while she messes around on her phone, he grabs her plump ass cheek. Gripping it tight.

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artificialqueens · 5 years

Text

I Can't Love You (Biadore, Adore/past relationship) - doctor bitchcraftt

How long does it take to stop loving someone? Bianca wishes she had an answer for Adore.

I don’t think that I ever got over you

How many guys do I have to break in order to?

We hear the best way to get over is to under, but you’re the cloud crashing loud in this London thunder

Now my eyes match these December skies

I’ll be fine, It takes time, You were mine

In my head I cant stand in your truth

I’m wasting all my 20’s still loving you

A/N: Sweet and a little sad, based on Adore’s December 2018 tweets about getting over an anonymous someone. Ends with Biadore in bed. Non-AU. Xoxoxoxo, bitchcraftt.

********

“Hey B, can I ask you something?" Adore’s question came from the other side of the couch and took a moment to register with Bianca as different from her nonsensical chatter to Sammy and Dede.

"Sure."

"How long does it take to get over someone?”

Quietly, Bianca closed the book in her lap and rearranged herself to lean over the back of the couch. Adore was still sitting cross-legged on the floor with Dede in her lap and an unusually pensive expression.

“Depends on who and how long and how the breakup happened." It wasn’t a deliberate attempt to avoid the question, although her brain tossed out at least four ways to change the subject ranging from subtle to blatant.

"It’s…” Adore drew in a slow breath, staring down at the sleeping dog as if the answer would be apparent there. She shrugged. “Nevermind, forget about it.”

Pressing Adore for an answer would likely result in her actively diverting the conversation, so Bianca turned back towards the coffee table and re-opened the book with a noncommittal noise of agreement. While her hands turned the pages on automatic, her mind spun into overdrive trying to fit together the non-sequitur.

A few minutes later, Adore set Dede on her bed and stepped over the gate to come around the couch. She didn’t plant herself next to where Bianca was pretending to read, casually invade her personal space, or mention being hungry, which would have been expected. Instead, she wandered over to the windows, leaning on the glass and drumming her fingers to the beat of an unheard song.

Bianca was used to quicksilver changes in mood and conversation, but experience meant she knew Adore usually spoke whatever was on her mind. Especially between the two of them (or four, counting the C and D of season six). Generally speaking, she would be more than happy to drop a subject when Adore’s train of thought derailed (or changed to a completely non-parallel track). Right then though, something about the way she was fidgeting suggested that there was more to it than a passing half-idea. As far as Bianca knew there hadn’t been any changes in Adore’s relationship status, so it probably wasn’t anything recent. And if it wasn’t recent, she wasn’t sure what part of lunch out and playing with the dogs might have brought it up to begin with.

She watched Adore’s lips move, silently speaking. Unfortunately, Bianca was at the wrong angle to even try to decipher what she might be saying. With a sigh, she gave up all pretense of reading, setting the book aside and joining Adore at the window.

“Sometimes I wanna erase everything.”

The quiet statement hung in the air between one breath and the next, and Bianca found herself at an uncharacteristic loss for words.

“…talk to me?”

Adore shook her head, but nonetheless turned away from the window to face her fully.

“Nothing. Just…been writing, and some stuff keeps coming up. Like the same old shit that you just want to get over or past or whatever, but it keeps following you?”

“Yeah. It does.”

Bianca understood far too well. She might be almost a decade and a half older, but she wasn’t immune to it either. Part of her knew that the nonstop work was a way to deflect and distract, taking refuge in her safe place - on the stage.

“Sometimes I want to unfeel something, you know?”

“Yeah,” Bianca repeated, “I do.”

********

The remainder of the daylight slipped away between them in silence, Adore lost in thought and Bianca ostensibly on her phone, although she couldn’t keep herself from looking up every time Adore shifted. Silence between them was usually a comfortable thing, and she did her best to respect it this time.

They ordered in Thai for dinner, and after cleaning up the empty boxes Bianca finally gave in to the urge to address the elephant in the room (Darienne jokes aside).

“Talk to me, pussyface?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, as if speaking too loudly would break the fragile something Adore was trying to manage.

“Still not over him.” Adore sounded equal parts defeated and frustrated. “It’s fucking with my brain today.”

Bianca didn’t insult their friendship by pretending not to know exactly who and what she was referring to.

”There’s no time limit on it.”

Scooting closer, she wrapped an arm around Adore’s shoulders where she was laid out on the chaise.

Behind the devil-may-care exterior, Adore felt things even more deeply than it appeared on the surface. That same vulnerability that hypnotized audiences when she was on stage translated into an equally deep capacity for hurt.

“It makes great lyrics, but every time I think I’ve written it out of me, it’s still there. I’m tired of it, B.” Adore reached up to entwine their fingers, seemingly engrossed in examining the chipped black nail polish.

“Like I’m so lucky to wake up every day into doing this life. This is what I want to do, and I hate that that isn’t enough. It feels so fucking ungrateful.”

“It’s not you being ungrateful, it’s what you’re feeling.“ Bianca sighed and rested her cheek against the top of Adore’s head. “I’m not gonna give you some bullshit line about learning and moving on, because you’re not that dumb.

“Anyone who tells you that you can control what you’re feeling is a liar. And,” she added, “I can tell you that you can’t drink it away. Still there when you’re sober.”

”I don’t want to love him anymore.”

Bianca squeezed her hand.

“I know.”

********

The dogs were long since asleep when Bianca checked the time.

“Sleepy yet?”

Adore didn’t look particularly tired, but it was a fair question. They’d gone through a decent amount of vodka, although not enough that Bianca was concerned with her ability to navigate down the block only half awake.

“Can I stay?” The echo of the oft-used phrase when traveling together brought the smallest ghost of a smile.

”Course you can. M’tired though.”

Nodding, Adore released her hand and Bianca stood, feeling her back protest at the hours spent slouched.

After checking that the alarm was set and brushing her teeth (she’d heard Adore using mouthwash in the other bathroom), Bianca wasn’t surprised to find her already in bed.

She settled under the covers and switched off the light, patiently waiting for Adore to decide if she needed the comfort of touch or just wanted to share the covers.

”Thank you.” Adore’s voice came from a foot away on the pillow.

”Hmmmm?”

“For you know. Not telling me I’m stupid.”

“Bitch. Of course you’re a stupid queen sometimes. Just not about this.”

“And not being weird about this.” The glow of the phone screen illuminated Adore’s quirked lips. “I’m gonna stay up a bit.”

Bianca hmmm’d in agreement, then turned on her side to face her, confused. “Weird about what?”

“This.” Adore made gesture with her free hand that looked like a cross between a one-arm shrug and pointing down at the duvet. “You know, not being judgy and stuff.”

” ‘Stuff’?” She wasn’t usually the one late to the party in catching on.

“Like if I posted where we are, people would freak out about it.”

”…in L.A.?”

Adore set her phone down on the bed. “You. Me. Bed together.”

Bianca was really beginning to feel like Adore was having a different conversation. “We share all the time? Who gives a fuck about it?”

”You know. The fans and stuff.”

Rolling the rest of the way over, she lifted her head off the pillow just enough to squint in Adore’s direction. “I’m not explaining anything to a bunch of idiots on social media. None of their business anyway.”

Adore was silent long enough that Bianca wondered if she’d fallen asleep. Then, “Love you.”

”I love you too,” she mumbled into the pillow. “And don’t post anything if I don’t have a shirt on.”

#rpdr fanfiction #bianca del rio #adore delano #biadore #hurt/comfort #canon compliant #doctor bitchcraftt #song fic

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