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thejournallo · 21 days

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THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE VOID STATE AND THE VOID:

tag: @aestheticlizalis

As always, I will love to hear your thoughts! and if you have any questions, I will be more than happy to answer them! If you liked it, leave a comment or reblog (that is always appreciated!). if you are intrested in more method check the masterlist!

Every time I end up talking about the void state, there is a part of me that tends to raise awareness about the void itself. It is a thing the void does not help you manifest, like the void state. In this post, I will try my best to explain how much these two things are truly different.

WARNING: COGNITO HAZARD (For those who do not know, a cognito hazard is a term used to describe an image, pattern, sound, or any other kind of sensory signal that directly causes harmful or undesired physiological or physical effects to one who senses or perceives it. (It is specifically used as a warning when talking about "forced awakening" things like the void.)

You are free to believe or not believe every word I will say in this post, and you are free to not believe every word I say. If, while reading this, you start to feel a negative emotion or a sensation as if you are lost or bodily or emotionally sick, DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

let's get deeper in this rabbit hole shall we?

i will talk breefly about the void state and then i will get in a more detailed way into what the void is, just because i aready explained the void state many times.

the void state:

is a state of deep meditation where you feel like floating and feel nothingness embodies you, making you feel one with the universe helping you to manifest. (Click the name if you actually want to know more.)

the void:

The void is nothing and everything at the same time. Let me explain better: the void is a place where everything is possible and exists, but at the same time is impossible and does not exist. The thing is, the void in itself is a pass to every other dimension because every dimension resides in the void, even the cursed ones or the ones that never will be or never were timelines. As a person with a lot of experience in the void itself, I will tell you that it is not a nice place. Every kind of entity can catch you, good or evil, whatever they might be. As mere humans in the void, we are exposed to a lot of deep-rooted energy that corrupts our bodies in the long run.

As humans, in the void, we can only "survive" in the backrooms.

what is a backroom?

One thing that is definitely more popular than the void itself are the backrooms that reside in the void. The backrooms became popular around 2012 as a SCP thing as images of liminal spaces. But I assure you, they are pretty much real, and they have many levels, not in a specific order. On every level, we can find different things and different entities, as mentioned before. We can find the good ones that will try to keep you safe and the bad ones that will literally try to kill you.

I will also add that the backroom exists because we are the front room, so for every timeline in existence, there is a backroom, and much like the universe, the void is pretty much endless, so there are infinite possibilities for the frontroom and the backroom.

why im i telling you this?

because I talk from experience, and let me tell you some of them were not fun. Still to this day, when I go to sleep, I find myself in the void. Bruh, I don't know how it simply happens. And that's been my life since I was 14 years old. I had my time to understand and learn a few rules to exit the backrooms fast enough or not to be killed.

I will put them at the end, but first, a little check on the main differences that we found out about the void state and the void itself:

The void state is a meditation; the void is an "endless place.".

The void can be a dangerous place, but the void state is harmless.

The void state helps us connect with the universe; the void is not used to manifest.

The void is a constant state of rooted energy, which means, in more basic words, that the energy in the void is dirty, and on the long run, a normal human will not "survaive.". In the void state, it is your energy.

In the void state, we find only ourselves; in the void, we can find an endless amount of dimensions, timelines, frontrooms and backrooms, entities, and liminal spaces. Some are all put together.

If you decide to go into the void state, it is a conscious decision. You can mistakenly enter the void by just falling asleep.

Those are the main differences, just because I can't say much more about the void itself because, as said before, it is a forced awakening, and I don't want people to feel sick with too much information.

if by mystake you enter the backrooms here some rules that will help you get out faster:

Don't scream; you will give off your location to any type of entity. In whatever level you enter, you will find the exit in the same level.

Not every level is scary. Some have flowers and are pretty; others are simple rooms. Those levels are safe as long as you don't hurt yourself. Be careful.

Don't take stairs, and don't jump in holes or on poles. Again, you will find the exit on the same level as you entered.

If you see fluffy entities, look at their eyes first. If the eyes are blue, they are friendly; any other color is to be avoided.

There is only one entity that is 100% friendly and will help you. It looks like a shadow with no features; it does not talk, but you will understand her.

If you hear a sound, go in the opposite direction; if you feel like a sound surrounds you, hide and stay still no matter what; some entities don't have eyes.

If you can't find the exit, pray to whatever god you believe in, and good entities will find you and help you.

On rare occasions, you might find other humans; don't trust them; they are no longer humans.

and I think that I said everything that has to be said. If you have any questions, I will be more than happy to answer them, and I hope you did not feel sick or do any negative things from this post.

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spooky-activity · 1 year

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@robinpixels was telling me about their Palace AU and it made me go feral

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attackoneyebrows · 1 year

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i miss you.

#station 19 #station19edit #maya x carina #maya bishop #carina deluca #station 19 spoilers #what kills me is maya doesnt even have a proper support network #she has no one in her corner except carina (whos rightfully distancing rn)#shes basically dealing w all of this alone (clearly too proud to ask for help also)#and carinas not wrong......maya wants to 'get back on track' for sure #whether it's her career or her marriage she doesnt want to derail either #shes doing these thing bc theyre boxes to tick on this 'path to get better'#i really hope they explore this further bc she needs to actually want this for herself #and thats the cognitive shift of believing in inherent self worth vs associating it with accomplishments #sigh but idk if they'll explore this angle or just have them back together in 2 eps #i want maya to love herself first before she offers that role to anyone else #also it's been awhile since ive gifed lighting this bad lmao #takes me back to lost girl days (it will never be as bad as lost girl days)

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metagalacticx · 1 year

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you’re frightened of your nature

your promises, they escape you.

what’s one more burden on the back of this beast?

@liamdunbarappreciation week - day one: emotions

#liam dunbar #liamdunbarweek2023 #liamdunbarappreciation #teen wolf #twedit #fyteenwolf #imagine living with a disorder that causes so much pain to yourself and those around you #one that makes you a pariah #that incites such intense fear of being seen as something not entirely human #of being consumed by a beast and unable to control it #not being able to take meds for fear of not being good at the one thing you’re supposed to be good at #the one thing that maybe makes use of this affliction… like bloodletting #and then being bitten.#becoming a physical manifestation of the thing you fear you are #looking into the mirror the night of your first shift and it’s like seeing yourself for the first time #‘this is what i’ve always been’#the bite is a gift: see. here you are. see. this is who you’ve always been.#see. no more cognitive dissonance. see. this… all of this stays.#and your struggle to control both beasts is eternal.#what must that be like #twgs

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dankovskaya · 5 months

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once more

Help I remember this part from the manga I thot it was so romantic....

#Anyway the sort of morality discussion regarding the shift from just killing titans to killing other humans was actually more nuanced than I #would've given it credit for plus arm*n already overtly verbalized that killing people from another group just to protect your own group is #pretty fucked inherently so I think well. Thus enters the cognitive dissonance

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hachichimitsu · 1 year

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Curious to hear your thoughts on Tweek's MBTI being an ISFJ in a Ne grip (the current consensus on PDB).

Hello anon! I’ve actually been wrestling with his type for years now! Previously, I assumed he is an ENFP with really unhealthy Ne-dom traits, but ISFJ and Inferior Ne is slowly starting to make sense to me. However, on one hand, Tweek seems like a very obvious Inferior Ne user with how he uses Ne to catastrophize all the negative possibilities to a situation, but “Put it Down” sort of shows Inferior Si in display, with him needing Craig to redirect and organize his initial feelings and perceptions to bring forth a call to action. Generally, Tweek is an unorganized, forgetful individual. In fact, he often forgets to ground himself, often relying on external reminders (Craig, his dad telling him to find his center, etc.) to remind him to partake in mindfulness and calming, meditative exercises. He even forgot the phrase “Hammer Time” until the very last minute, and his current room is littered with clutter of fairly interesting hobbies and empty coffee cups. However, whether that’s related to Inferior Si or just mental health issues are hard to distinguish. It’s harder to type characters when they have an unhealthy balance of the way they use their functions.

The only thing that’s got me conflicted are his Fi/Te or Fe/Ti axis. Tweek definitely has Fx higher than his Tx, due to his aversion to Craig’s Ti sometimes. His aversion to Craig’s Ti could either stem from Ti being his POLR function OR Tweek being a high stack Fe user finding Craig’s Inferior Fe emotionally invalidating. There’s also Tweek being honest to a fault, in which, yeah, both Fe and Fi users can be vocal about their values, but Tweek seems to be the type of person that is unapologetically himself even if it isn’t “appropriate” or “socially comfortable” for others to hear. It also feels like he constantly needs to *do* something to gain some semblance of control. Sitting around and letting things happen gives him more stress than taking action by his own hands. With that, it seems like he uses Te more than Ti due to how he solves problems and make decisions, in which any problem he faces seems to be an “urgent” matter that needs to be rectified. He doesn’t want to sit down and pick out and analyze the problem. He wants to reaffirm his internal feelings first and then want the problem gone for good (Fi-Te?).

In the Fractured but Whole, we see Tweek being more vocal and defiant (when he’s not a nervous wreck). Besides TFBW, he calls out on people and swallows his fears to do the right thing eventually. In Post-COVID, he is still clearly vocal about his authentic feelings even when Kyle literally just asked him a “how are you” (“Aghh, I’m getting anxiety back from being with all these people”). This could all constitute as either Fi or Fe though, but Fe values don’t really seem to be something he prioritizes.

Thus, im inclined to say ENFP for now (?) but ISFJ is also very befitting for him. Honestly, I could be missing something, so if anyone has anything to add, please feel free to share them. If there were more Fe arguments, I’d probably lean towards ISFJ, but I haven’t seen much that’s completely sold me yet.

#that being said i think both sides of the argument are making great points #thanks for the ask anon!!#ISFJ TWEEK STANS PLEASE HELP ME SEE YOUR VISION #my thoughts on these characters are constantly shifting as i learn more about the functions #like can you believe i used to think craig was an intj and kenny was an istp? wild……#south park #tweek tweak #hachichimitsu’s cognitive functions series

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final-reverie · 1 year

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#movin on up #my horrible half decorated yard #i need more things #but must first find something to do with all the things i had to take out of storage to relocate #and i really don't know if i'll still be making it ...#cabin-y?#cabin-like #alpine?#impaired cognitive function following 12 hour shifts

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insomnia-productions · 2 years

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i don’t. know what to do with myself rn

#i work at an SA hotline on the 12am-4am shift #i just got off a 2.5 hour call #she called in at 3:53 when i was just about to start packing up for bed #i thought it would be like. half an hour or 45 minutes at most but.#now it’s almost 7am #it was a really difficult call too. god she was dealing with so much at once #she hadn’t slept in 3 days because she was afraid to take her pain medication #i ended up staying on the phone with her while she took it and then guiding her breathing until she was ready to sleep #im really glad that she finally did it and that i was able to help her in an immediate and concrete way #but honestly? i mostly just feel fucking Weird #i don’t even know how to describe the feeling it’s just Weird #maybe it’s the exhaustion? i’ve been awake for 24 hours now #and 8 of those were at my internship where. i mean. im a teaching assistant at a school for kids with severe cognitive disabilities #it is. So Much. all of the time #so it would definitely Make Sense to be feeling Strange considering that Friday morning currently feels like it was 2 weeks ago #but i feel like that’s not the answer. like. it’s not the exhaustion #there’s something else #but i don’t know what and it’s bothering me #and i don’t know what to do with myself now #like it’s fully daylight outside and my sublet curtains are thin as fuck #there’s no way im gonna be able to sleep #but im So Tired #i just. don’t. know what to do with myself #it’s just a #??????

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theambitiouswoman · 7 months

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Cognitive Techniques To Change Your Thoughts ✨✨

Cognitive techniques are strategies used in cognitive therapy to help you identify and change negative thoughts and beliefs. These techniques should be practiced regularly so that they become habits.

Cognitive Restructuring: This involves identifying and challenging negative or irrational thoughts and replacing them with more positive or rational beliefs.

Thought Stopping: When you notice a negative thought entering your mind, you can mentally shout "Stop!" This interrupts the thought process and gives you a chance to replace the negative thought with a positive one.

Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings in the present moment. When you observe your thoughts without judgment, you gain insight into negative patterns and choose to let them go.

Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can help you process and analyze them. With time you can identify patterns and work on changing negative thought cycles.

Positive Affirmations: Repeating positive statements can help counteract negative self talk and reinforce positive beliefs about yourself.

Evidence Collection: When faced with a negative belief, ask yourself, "What evidence do I have that supports or refutes this thought?" This can help you see things in a more balanced way.

Decatastrophizing: If you tend to imagine the worst scenario, ask yourself how likely it is to happen and what other possible outcomes there might be. This can help you view situations more realistically.

Labeling: Instead of saying "I am a failure," label the thought as "a negative thought about my abilities."

Distraction: Engaging in an activity or hobby can divert your attention from negative thoughts and give your mind a break.

Scheduling Worry Time: Instead of ruminating on worries throughout the day, set aside a specific time to process them. This can prevent constant worry and allow you to focus on other tasks.

Challenging Cognitive Distortions: Recognize and challenge cognitive distortions like black-and-white thinking, overgeneralization, and personalization.

Visual Imagery: Visualize a place or situation where you feel calm and happy. This can help shift your focus from negative thoughts.

These are very simple descriptions and examples of cognitive techniques. I listed the ones we can put into practice on our own. There are more in depth methods and practices used by doctors on different fields of study and practice. I can list, as well as add upon the information listed here.

#cognitive science #cognitive behavioral therapy #psychology #personal improvement #personal development #personal growth #self help #self improvement #self care #limiting beliefs #positive mindset #affirmations

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suchananewsblog · 1 year

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An India-UK study is trying to find out how the brain develops as we grow

Maturity, the thinking goes, comes with age. However, this journey from childhood to adulthood is uneven, with some mental attributes surfacing faster than others, some more pronounced in girls than boys and poverty and trauma, having an outsized influence on cognitive development, says one of the largest studies of its kind, spanning nearly 9,000 children and young adults from India. The study…

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#brain development #C-Veda study #Consortium on Vulnerability to Externalizing Disorders and Addictions #maturity #neurology #set shifting #social cognition #working memory

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emmyrosee · 6 months

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In the morning, Keigo stretches his body; and it’s ethereal.

The way the Sun peers in through the sheer curtains keeps you in a slight between sleep and cognitive function, eyes hazy and bleary as he slowly gets up from his side of the bed, grunting softly.

It’s warm, it’s so quiet. You blink a few times to watch him go about his morning, and it starts with his wings quickly splaying out, the full spanse of them taking up an underestimated amount of space in the room. They glimmer in the peering sunlight, and you smile softly as they slowly curl back towards him.

His fingers cross over each other before they pull his arms taught above his head, shifting them to the right, then the left, which pops louder than the other side due to more than a few injuries to his left side. His muscles shadow and dance in the light soaking in through the window. He whines softly as he then bends at the waist, wings fluffing back out as he stretches his knees, as if moving out of the way.

Clearly, he must notice you, as one of his pristine feathers immediately darts from the pack and over to you, and before you can reel your foot back in, the plumes swipe over it, making you giggle sleepily and yank it under the covers.

“You liking the show, creep?” he teases, chucking, the feather now shifting to gently nuzzle your cheek, as he does so often.

You nod, “you’re just so pretty, Keigo.”

“Im aware.”

“No, like, really pretty,” you assure, and he sighs before turning around to face you. His hair is stuck up in random places, his eyes sleepy and still heavy from the act of waking up. There’s lines from blankets that imprint his skin, and his feathers fluff out slightly to buff out the flattened areas.

He bends at the waist to be face to face with you, leaning slightly to plant a small kiss to your nose, and you mewl happily at the feeling.

He takes an inhale through his nose, “I’m not half as pretty as you are, babe.” He gently cups your cheek with a warm hand, “trust me. I watch you almost as much as you watch me.”

“Bull,” you tease. “I’m always watching you. You never even look at me.”

He frowns at you dramatically, and before you can assure him you’re teasing, more feathers dart from behind him to yank the blankets off of you, the chill of morning dew making you whine in agony. “Keigo!”

“You’re pretty when you’re mad, too, doll.”

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saraswritingtipps · 6 months

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Writing Child or Teenage Characters:

Writing child or teenage characters requires an understanding of their unique perspectives, thoughts, and behaviors at various stages of development. Here are some tips to help you capture the essence of child or teenage characters realistically:

1. Research Developmental Stages: Familiarize yourself with the developmental stages of children and teenagers. Understand the physical, cognitive, emotional, and social changes that typically occur during these periods. This knowledge will help you depict characters at appropriate stages of maturity.

2. Voice and Dialogue: Pay attention to the language and vocabulary used by child or teenage characters. Their speech patterns, sentence structure, and word choices may differ from adult characters. Reflect their age and level of education in their dialogue to make it authentic and relatable.

3. Emotional Authenticity: Children and teenagers experience a wide range of emotions, and their emotional responses can be intense and sometimes unpredictable. Show their emotions through their actions, reactions, and internal thoughts. Be mindful of age-appropriate emotional depth and understanding.

4. Observational Perspective: Child and teenage characters often notice and interpret the world differently than adults. Highlight their unique observations, curiosity, and innocence. Allow them to have a fresh perspective that can bring a sense of wonder or discovery to the story.

5. Growth and Development: Portray child or teenage characters as evolving and growing individuals. Show their learning experiences, mistakes, and the lessons they learn along the way. Capture their gradual understanding of the world and their evolving sense of identity.

6. Relationships and Peer Dynamics: Explore the dynamics of friendships, peer pressure, and social hierarchies that are prevalent during childhood and adolescence. Show the influence of friends, family, and mentors on their thoughts and behaviors. Highlight the importance of relationships in their lives.

7. Hobbies and Interests: Reflect the passions, hobbies, and interests that are common among children and teenagers. These activities can shape their identities and provide opportunities for self-expression. Incorporate their hobbies into the narrative to add depth and authenticity.

8. Growth of Independence: As children and teenagers mature, they seek more independence and autonomy. Depict their struggles with authority figures, their desire for freedom, and their exploration of boundaries. Balance their growing independence with their need for guidance and support.

9. Challenges and Coming of Age: Explore the challenges and rites of passage that child and teenage characters face. Address issues such as identity formation, peer pressure, academic stress, bullying, first love, and self-discovery. Treat these themes with sensitivity and avoid trivializing or dismissing their experiences.

10. Evolving Relationships with Adults: Capture the evolving relationships between child or teenage characters and the adults in their lives. Show the shifting dynamics, conflicts, and moments of connection. Avoid portraying adults as one-dimensional authority figures or overly understanding mentors.

#writing #writer on tumblr #writerscommunity #writing tips #character development #writer tumblr #writblr #writing advice #oc character #writing help #creative writing

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bystarlightlore · 8 months

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first things first: my boys are so touchy & affectionate with each other & it's the cutest, most adorable thing on planet earth.

i die.

moving on...

sweet alex, he’s all heart. prattling along, just as happy as he can be.

it’s integral to watch our sunshine boy in this scene.

the book & film are both from alex’s perspective, but there’s one thing that we’re afforded between the pages that doesn’t fully make it on screen — his emotional & cognitive layers. & that’s not anybody’s fault & it doesn’t make the film any less incredible, that’s just how adaptations occur sometimes. you can’t translate everything on screen & honestly, that’s the way it should be. some things can just stay in the written story.

tzp did a marvelous job of pulling some of those pieces from the story & threading them into alex’s movements, expressions, & actions. he gave us everything that he could & he did it phenomenally. i can’t imagine anyone else being our alex. i can’t get over how perfectly he was casted.

all this to reiterate, it’s so key to watch alex here.

we get to see some of his layers. he goes from playful, to pensive, to deeply sincere — “i’ve never felt this way about anyone” — & from there, he shifts into an incredibly exposed emotional space & you see him gather himself, working through his words & trying to share his heart in the most fluent way he can.

“it’s like there’s a rope attached to my chest & it keeps pulling me towards you.”

there’s never been a moment in his life where can’t share exactly how he feels. he’s always been free to do so. for alex, there was never a question about if he’d tell henry, the question was what he’d tell henry, & once he solved the what, he could proceed with the when.

his mom asked if he felt ‘forever’ about henry & he didn’t consciously know at the time. (i’m a firm believer in the fact that they’ve been in love all along but that’s not the topic right now.) he watches henry in the bar & that’s where he figures it out. the next step is to tell him. point a to b. no detours.

“& it feels so right”

all heart, all the time. our sunshine boy.

i don’t see fear here, i rarely do in alex, but i do see timidity. so with our eyes on him in this scene, we watch him waffle through his words, barreling toward the inevitable.

he stays in physical contact with henry the entire time — running his hands along his forearm, tangling their fingers together, tracing circles on henry’s wrist & back. i think he needs it here just as much as he wants it.

the most that alex has ever discovered & understood about himself has been through touching henry. he knows himself best when he’s skin-to-skin with the man he loves.

this moment cannot be any different.

—- “what i mean to say is, henry, i—“

i’d give anything to hear it come out of his mouth fully here. i want to know how it sounds under the texas sun — someplace as bright & warm as he is.

alex has never had to fear his own heart; even in the moments where he wasn't sure where it was going. after the NYE kiss, he went to nora to grapple with his feelings & he tried to talk to henry about it, but he never, ever shied away from how he felt. he wasn't raised to. following that giant, gorgeous heart is in his nature. he's always been encouraged to be exactly who he is.

the same cannot be said for our prince.

our mythic, beautiful boy. he literally looks like he's crumbling here. mournful, finite cracks in his glistening, alabaster stone. an absolute masterpiece withered by expectation, tainted legacies, hopeless hopes, & crippling fears.

he has to shy away. he doesn't believe or even entertain the idea that he might have a choice. to be so in love, but so trapped that your love can tangle its roots into the earth, but never bloom.

distance & longing take up far too much space in those stunning hazel eyes. it's all too much for him here. no fight or fawn, just freeze and flight. he did it all in expression: from pure bliss, to the dawn of fear, to desperate wanting, to heartbreak, to retreat. (nicholas galitzine, you wonderfully gifted creature)

in our prince’s head, it doesn’t matter how bad he wants to hear the words. it doesn’t matter if he’s loved alex & wanted alex all this time. his heart — their hearts — are of no consequence to the trajectory of their lives. & so, despite all this time; despite everything that’s passed between them in the past year — the firsts & the tender moments, the texts, calls, & emails, the falling in love — henry does the one thing he’s always had to do, lock himself up & run away. just like he did on new year’s eve.

alex has spent a year working him loose; making him feel as free & loved & authentic as he possibly can. he’s kneaded every tight curve, massaged every tensioned inch. & henry has put in the same amount of work learning to allow himself to be cared for. for someone to see his bright places, his passions, his wittiness, tenacity, & sparks.

our boys have grown so much & yet sadly, in a moment, terror bends henry back into an ill -fitting place.

the progress isn’t lost, just tucked away. fear is one hell of a keeper.

& you see him dressed up again in his suit. ramrod straight, prim & proper, the closed-off prince of england’s hearts that climbed out of his car to meet alex at kensington a year ago. a man of few words & little feeling. because there’s too much risk in feeling. feeling leads you to a dock in the middle of the lake in texas, listening to the man you love willing & ready to love you back, but you can’t be overjoyed — because you’re terrified.

grab your tissues, kids. im sure as hell grabbing mine.

#rwrb #rwrb movie #red white and royal blue #alex claremont diaz #prince henry rwrb #taylor zakhar perez #nicholas galitzine #firstprince

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jewelleria · 1 month

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I don’t usually talk about politics on here, if ever. But it’s been almost six months since the conflict in the Middle East flared up again, and I’m finally ready to start. Here are some of my thoughts.

I say ‘flared up’ because this has happened before and it’ll happen again. Because, even though what's currently going on is absolutely unprecedented, those of us who live in this part of the world are used to it. Let that sink in: we are used to this. And we shouldn’t have to be.

But I use that term for another reason: I don't want to accidentally call it the wrong thing lest I come under fire for being a genocidal maniac or a terrorist or a propaganda machine, etc., etc.—so let’s just call it ‘the war’ or ‘the conflict.’ Because that’s what it is. Doesn’t matter which side you’re on, who you love, or who you hate.

This post will, in all likelihood, sit in my drafts forever. If it does get posted, it certainly won’t be on my main, because I'm scared of being harassed (spoiler: she posted it on her main). I hate admitting that, but honestly? I’m fucking terrified.

I also feel like in order for anything I say on here (i.e. the hellscape of the internet) to be taken seriously, I have to somehow prove that a) I’m “educated” enough to talk about the conflict, and b) that my opinion lines up with what has been deemed the correct one. So, tedious and unnecessary though it is, I will tell you about my experience, because I have a feeling most of the people reading this post are not nearly as close to what’s happening as I am.

How do I explain where I live without actually explaining where I live? How do I say “I live in the Red Zone of international conflicts” without saying what I actually think? How do I convey the fear that grips me when I try to decide between saying “I live in Palestine” and “I live in Israel”? I don't really know. But I do know that names are important. I also know that, due to the various clickbaity monikers ascribed to the conflict, it would probably just be easier to point to a map.

I haven't always lived in the Middle East. I've lived in various places along America’s east coast, and traveled all over the world. But in short, I now live somewhere inside the crudely-drawn purple circle.

If you know anything about these borders you probably blanched a bit in sympathy, or maybe condolence. But in truth, it’s a shockingly normal existence. I don't feel like I've lived through the shifting of international relations or a war or anything. I just kind of feel like I did when COVID hit, that dull sameness as I wondered if this would be the only world-altering event to shape my life, or if there would be more.

I've been told that, in order for my brain to process all the horrific details of the past six months, there needs to be some element of cognitive dissonance—that falling into a sort of dissociative mindset is the only way to not go insane under the weight of it all. I think in some ways that’s true. I have been terrifyingly close to bus stop shootings when my commute wasn’t over; I have felt my apartment building shake with the reverberations of a missile strike; I have spent hours in underground shelters waiting for air raid sirens to stop.

But. I have also gone grocery shopping, and skipped class, and stayed up too late watching TV, and fed the cats on the street corner, and cried over a boy, and got myself AirPods just because, and taken out the trash, and done laundry on a delicate cycle, and bought overpriced lattes one too many days a week. I have looked at pretty things and taken out my phone because, despite it all, I still think that life is too short not to freeze the small moments.

So I'd say, all things considered, I live an incredibly privileged life—compared, of course, to those suffering in Gaza—one filled with sunsets and over-sweetened knafeh and every different color of sand. One that allows me to throw myself into a fandom-induced hyperfixation (or, alternatively, escape method) as I sit on the couch and crack open my laptop to write the next chapter of the fic I'm working on.

But there are bits of not-normalness that wheedle their way through the cracks. I pretend these moments are avoidable, even if they’re not.

They look like this: reading the news and seeing another idiotic, careless choice on Netanyahu’s part and groaning into my morning coffee. Watching Palestinian and Jewish children’s needless suffering posted on Instagram reels and feeling helpless. Opening my Tumblr DMs to find a message telling me to exterminate myself for reblogging a post that only seems like it’s about the war if you squint and tilt your head sideways.

These moments look like all the tiny ways I am reminded that I'm living in a post-October seventh world, where hearing a car backfire makes me jump out of my skin and the sound of a suitcase on pavement makes me look up at the sky and search for the war planes. They look like the heavy grief that is, and also isn’t, mine.

Here's the thing, though. I know you’re wondering when the ball will drop and my true opinion will be revealed. I know you’re waiting for me to reveal what demographic I'm a part of so that you, dear reader, can neatly slap a label on my head and sort me into some oversimplified category that lets you continue to think you understand this war.

No one wants to sit and ruminate on the difficult questions, the ones that make you wonder if maybe you’ve been tinkered with by the propaganda machine, if you might need to go back on what you’ve said or change your mind. We all strive for our perception of complicated issues to be a comfortable one.

But I know that no matter what I do, there will always be assumptions. So, while I shudder to reveal this information online, I think that maybe my most significant contribution to this meta-discussion spanning every facet of the internet is this:

I am a Jew.

Or, alternatively, I am: Jewish, יהודית, يَهُودِيٌّ, etc. Point is, I come from Jews. And, like any given person, I am a product of generation after generation of love.

I'm not going to take time to explain my heritage to you, or to prove that before all the expulsions and pogroms, there was an origin point. If you don’t believe that, perhaps it’s less of a factual problem and more of an ‘I don’t give weight to the beliefs of indigenous people’ problem. But, in case you want to spend time uselessly refuting this tiny point in a larger argument, you can inspect the photos below (it’s just a small chunk of my DNA test results). Alternatively, you can remember that interrogating someone in an attempt to make their indigeneity match your arbitrary criteria is generally not seen as good manners.

Now, let’s go back to thathateful message (read: poorly disguised death threat) I received in my Tumblr DMs. I think it was like two or three weeks ago. I had recently gained a new follower whose blog’s primary focus was the fandom I contribute to, so I followed them back. I saw in my notes that they were going through my posts and liking them—as one does when gaining a new mutual. Yippee!

Then they sent me this:

I tried to explain that hate speech is not a way to go about participating in political discourse, but the person had already blocked me immediately after sending that message. Then, assured by the fact that I surely would never see them complaining about me on their blog (because, as I said, they blocked me), they posted a shouting rant accusing me of sympathizing with colonizing settlers and declaring me a “racist Zionist fuck.” Oh, the wonders of incognito tabs.

Where this person drew these conclusions after reading my (reblogged) post about antisemitism…. I'm not actually sure. But I greatly sympathize with them, and hope that they weren’t too personally offended by my desire to not die.

For a while I contemplated this experience in my righteous anger, and tried to figure out a way to message this person. I wanted to explain that a) seeing a post about being Jewish and choosing to harass the creator about Israel is literally the definition of antisemitism and b) that sending a hateful DM and refusing to be held accountable is just childish and immature. But I gave up soon after—because, honestly, I knew it wasn’t worth my effort or energy. And I knew that I wouldn't be able to change their mind.

But I still remember staring at that rather unfortunate meme, accompanied by an all-caps message demanding for me to Free Palestine, and thinking: the post didn’t even have any buzzwords. I remember the swoop of dread and guilt and fear. I remember wondering why this kind of antisemitism felt worse, in that moment, than the kind that leaves bodies in its wake.

I remember thinking, I don’t have the power to free anyone.

I remember thinking, I’m so fucking tired.

And before you tell me that this conflict isn’t about religion—let me ask you some questions. Why is it that Israel is even called Israel? (Here’s why.) Why do Jews even want it? (Here’s why.) But also, if you actually read the charters of Islamist terrorist organizations like ISIS, Hamas, and Hezbollah (among others), they equate the modern state of Israel with the Jewish people, and they use the two entities interchangeably. So of course this conflict is religious. It’s never been anything but that.

But I do wonder, when faced with those who deny this fact: how do I prove, through an endless slew of what-about-isms and victim blaming, that I too am hurting? How do I show that empathy is dialectical, that I can care deeply for Palestinians and Gazans while also grieving my own people?

There's this thing that humans do, when we’re frustrated about politics and need to howl our opinions about it into the void until we feel better. We find like-minded souls, usually our friends and neighbors, and fret about the state of the world to each other until we’ve gone around in a satisfactory amount of circles. But these conversations never truly accomplish anything. They’re just a substitute, a stand-in catharsis, for what we really wish we could do: find someone who embodies the spirit of every Jew-hating internet troll, every ignorant justifier of terrorism, and scream ourselves hoarse at them until we change their mind.

But, of course, minds cannot be changed when they are determined to live in a state of irrational dislike. In Judaism, this way of thinking has a name: שנאת חינם (sinat hinam), or baseless hatred. It's a parasite with no definite cure, and it makes people bend over backwards to justify things like the massacre on October seventh, simply because the blame always needs to be placed on the Jews.

So when a Jew is faced with this unsolvable problem, there is only one response to be had, only one feeling to be felt: anger. And we are angry. Carrying around rage with nowhere to put it is exhausting. It's like a weight at the base of our neck that pushes down on our spine, bending it until we will inevitably snap under the pressure. I’m still waiting to break, even now.

I wish I could explain to someone who needs to hear it that terrorism against Israelis happens every single day here, and that we are never more than one degree of separation away from the brutal slaughter of a friend, lover, parent, sibling. I wish it would be enough to say that the majority of Israelis (which includes Arab-Israeli citizens who have the exact same rights as Jewish-Israelis) wish for peace every day without ever having seen what it looks like.

I wish I could show the world that Israel was founded as a socialist state, that it was built on communal values and born from a cluster of kibbutzim (small farming communities based on collective responsibility), and that what it is now isn’t what its people stand for.

I wish the world could open their eyes to what we Israelis have seen since the beginning: that Hamas is the enemy, Hamas is the one starving Palestinians and denying them aid, Hamas is the one who keeps rejecting ceasefire terms and denying their citizens basic human rights. Hamas is the governing body of Gaza, not Israel. Hamas is responsible for the wellbeing of the Palestinian people. And Hamas are the ones who are more determined to murder Jews—over and over and over again, in the most animalistic ways possible—than to look inwards and see the suffering they’ve inflicted on their own people. I wish it was easier to see that.

But the wishing, the asking how can people be so blind, is never enough. I can never just say, I promise I don't want war.

When I bear witness to this baseless hatred, I think of the victims of October seventh. I think of the women and girls who were raped and then murdered, forever unable to tell their stories. I think of the hostages, trapped underneath Gaza in dark tunnels, wondering if anyone will come for them. I think of Ori Ansbacher, of Ezra Schwartz, of Eyal, Gilad, and Naftali, of Lucy, Rina, and Maia Dee, of the Paley boys, of Ari Fuld and of Nachshon Wachsman. I think of all the innocent blood spilled because of terror-fueled hatred and the virus of antisemitism. I think of all the thousands of people who were brutally murdered in Israel, Jews and Muslims and Christians and humans, who will never see peace.

My ties to this land are knotted a thousand times over. Even when I leave, a part of me is left behind, waiting for me to claim it when I return. But when I see the grit it takes to live through this pain, when I see the suffering that paints the world the color of blood, I look to the heavens and I wonder why.

I ask God: is it worth all this? He doesn't answer. So I am the one, in the end, to answer my own question. I say, it has to be.

Feel free to send any genuine, respectful, and clarifying questions you may have to my inbox!

EDIT: just coming on here to say that I'm really touched & grateful for the love on this post. When I wrote it, I felt hopeless; I logged off of Tumblr for Shabbat, dreading the moment I would turn off my phone to find more hate in my inbox. Granted, I did find some, and responding to it was exhausting, but it wasn’t all hate. I read every kind reblog and comment, and the love was so much louder. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍

Source Reading

The Whispered in Gaza Project by The Center for Peace Communications

Why Jews Cannot Stop Shaking Right Now by Dara Horn

Hamas Kidnapped My Father for Refusing to Be Their Puppet by Ala Mohammed Mushtaha

I Hope Someone Somewhere Is Being Kind to My Boy by Rachel Goldberg

The Struggle for Black Freedom Has Nothing to Do with Israel by Coleman Hughes

Israel Can Defend Itself and Uphold Its Values by The New York Times Editorial Board

There Is a Jewish Hope for Palestinian Liberation. It Must Survive by Peter Beinart

The Long Wait of the Hostages’ Families by Ruth Margalit

“By Any Means Necessary”: Hamas, Iran, and the Left by Armin Navabi

When People Tell You Who They Are, Believe Them by Bari Weiss

Hunger in Gaza: Blame Hamas, Not Israel by Yvette Miller

Benjamin Netanyahu Is Israel’s Worst Prime Minister Ever by Anshel Pfeffer

What Palestinians Really Think of Hamas by Amaney A. Jamal and Michael Robbins

The Decolonization Narrative Is Dangerous and False by Simon Sebag Montefiore

Understanding Hamas’s Genocidal Ideology by Bruce Hoffman

The Wisdom of Hamas by Matti Friedman

How the UN Discriminates Against Israel by Dina Rovner

This Muslim Israeli Woman Is the Future of the Middle East by The Free Press

Why Are Feminists Silent on Rape and Murder? by Bari Weiss

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