#constant hurt and loneliness that he could easily stop if he took a chance with jack

[lovesick-panmess]

Protect Them

Soo I know I'm way overdue with the 3rd part of my Armageddon AU but I've actually been replaying the lessons so I get a proper feel for what I'm writing, so to make up for it and to get this idea out of my head I've been thinking about it for days here is a related fic between the oldest brothers

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Levi can count on one hand how many times he's seen Lucifer coming home injured. The Avatar of Pride could easily crush irrelevant demons with his glare and he proved worthy of Diavalo's right-hand man for a reason... But the first time that Levi remembers was on a travel mission with Lord Diavalo within a year after their fall from grace. It was a distant memory, seeing Lucifer stumble up the stairs blooded up and adamantly refusing care from any of them, even Mammon who was following behind his every footstep. He had gotten used to such behavior and just settled for turning up his headphones on his way to the safe haven that was his room, stopping when he noticed the eldest's door cracked open. He watched Mammon gingerly wrap the bandage around his shoulder, blinking back tears in his eyes and shaking his head vehemently as Lucifer spoke. The music was loud and distracting he just settled for reading their lips-

"Mammon I need you to do this for me.."

"I won't! There's no need, ya just paranoid-!"

Watching the tears well up made Levi shift, uncomfortable and jealous, wondering what bond allowed them to be so vulnerable so open. Hadn't they all fought their father together? Rallied behind him so readily behind Lucifer, their Morningstar that only shined a light that only Mammon was allowed to see. He lingered before continuing to walk down the hall, to dwell in his own sunken loneliness but hearing Mammon speak one more time before the door had shut.

"..I'll do it, alright? Just stop ya crying, Luci.."

He had felt the deja vu of that very moment playing out in front of him, though this time he was hiding from Mammon in his secret spot in the living room. They had planned to go to the movies in an hour and Levi knew that Mammon would try to find him to convince him to pay for the tickets yet again so he decided to wait out the time so that scumbag would have to bring his wallet. It was a surprise to see the door open, everyone else is out and Lucifer's return to be scheduled for a few more days, but instead, the eldest had come early with visible wounds and beatings. Levi felt frozen, debating on whether he should slip out to help or stay putt but once again Mammon comes down the stairs like it's his calling. "Lucifer? Let me help you!" Denial was the first given reaction, the eldest's heart too hard and stubborn to ask for help before collapsing into Mammon's arms.

Levi followed with anxiety brewing in his chest, now wanting to just hide away in his room since plans were clearly on hold and he could do nothing to help the pair. Not like they would want his help, a shitty pathetic otaku wasn't much good at bandaging wounds, not like he was able to get much practice like Mammon did. Jealousy seethed, it made his heart race as he hid to the side of the door at the mention of his name.

"We have to tell him, Mams."

"We don't have to tell him shit! It's fine like this...Levi doesn't have to be involved."

It was confusing to be thrown out of the loop, but it hurt to hear Mammon so effortlessly fight to not include him. Maybe the second-born felt that Levi wasn't worth it? Too weak and unable to do..whatever it is they are arguing about, even so, it was odd-looking into Lucifer's room. Mammon unafraid of the eldest's temper and even being so bold as to glare at him while cleaning his cuts, Lucifer had an expression of utter fondness that was intertwined with an unlabeled fear, one that only he seemed to see.

"Mammon, you know it takes a lot out of me to..admit this. I'm almost jealous that you're able to view me so..."

Shit shit shit, he had been so entrapped in their conversation and his own envy he hadn't realized that it was emitting throughout the hall. He stiffens when Lucifer calls his name, slipping out from where he was hiding and now embarrassed. "Levi..come here please." He notes that Mammon refuses to look at him, biting his bottom lip hard as he sits next to his brother, so not used to this soft tone from him. He really must have stepped into a completely different world, one where Lucifer is willing to fight tooth and nail with his own pride in order to tell them the truth. And what a horrid truth it must be.

"Lucifer what's going on? Why is Mammon..." He trails off, feeling Lucifer's hand skim through his hair, and despite his own embarrassment leaned into the comforting touch and suddenly the bottle of Demonus was looking very tempting. "Levi...I would like to involve you in something very important, in order to protect the others." Lucifer's words were slow, each one taking some kind of will to overcome his pride, his wings twitching in what Levi could easily place as anxiety and one he knew way too well. "I'm not allowed to say anything about the threat outside of the Devildom but it puts us at risk and I...There may be a chance I won't come back."

His stomach drops, he doesn't realize that he's shaking until he feels Mammon's arms wrapping around his shoulder, shaking his head in pure denial. Not Lucifer, the most powerful one of them all, their eldest brother not coming back. Such thoughts were unfathomable to even believe, much less considered as a probability to the point that they had to talk about it. Acknowledge it and take action, Lucifer keeps talking and Mammon presses Levi closer to his chest, "I talked this with Mammon since the beginning but now we believe it's time to tell you in case something were ever to happen to the both of us and you would decide when to tell Satan..."

The prospect of such responsibility makes Levi feel like a fish out of water as he gulps for air yet in that same breath go on a rampage of self-deprecation and drowning doubt. How he's not ready, he's a good-for-nothing shitty pathetic otaku, he can't protect his brothers, he's weak, he's nothing, if Lucifer and Mammon are gone then there would be no fucking hope for them. The two oldest look at each other, small bits of regret building up from the pressure and burden they had put on him, Mammon gently rubbing his back and Lucifer cupping his face. "Leviathan please breathe."

His body does it automatically before he can think about it, the air in his lungs felt like boiling water as the panic slowly dissipates in his chest. All that was left was his own soft mutterings, so sure that Lucifer was probably disappointed that he has to trust in Levi of all people to protect them, he leans against Mammon who nudges him affectionately before resting his head on his shoulder. "I...I haven't really done anything good since...I was General...how can you be so sure in me?" He asks but squirms unready for whatever the answer might be, though he's unable to mistake Lucifer's radiating pride that he feels.

"Who's the one who came up with the plan on where to steal the weapons in the Celestial Realm?"

"M-Me but I-"

"And who helped convince the others to lay low while we defended the base?"

"I did but Luci-"

"Who's the one who took an arrow for Mammon while he was trying to protect me?"

"Lucifer-!"

He gets cut off with a flick on his forehead, his lips set in a pout but meeting the Morningstar's expression that made butterflies bloom in his stomach from overwhelming pride had him turn away and looking down at the floor. "Levi, get out of your head for one second and look at how smart and tactical you are. When it matters...when there is no time to panic. You're the third strongest family for a fucking reason, you should start believing it." The unusual confidence makes him flush but it's really Lucifer's words that bring the tears, no longer from fear but slowly coming to the realization that Lucifer and Mammon too had faith in him...they always did.

"Do ya still wanna join the pact? If ya wanna think about it, ya still can Levi." He blinks at the fact that Mammon had really been silent this whole time and just hugging him, the second born now getting up to tighten the remaining bandages. "Did you think about it, Mammon?" Levi knew the answer in his gut, only the blind would question the unwavering devotion that Mammon and Lucifer had for each other, only further cemented as the Avatar of greed simply shakes his head. He feels a small smile form on his face, "Then I don't need to think about it...I want to do this."

By the next few hours, any of the remaining tension and somber feelings had slipped away, replaced by a calm atmosphere that usually would not last long in the House of Lamentation. The melody of the cursed record floated and hung in the air as Levi rested on the floor in his demon form, the pact officially made and learning about the secret doorway by Lucifer's bookcase, definitely locking that information into memory. He sees Mammon grinning above him, curiosity embedded in his features, "So where'd ya decide to put the pact mark?" Levi lifts his sweater, the symbol of the three still glow fresh on the side by his ribs, and Mammon hissing with empathy.

He wanted it to hurt weirdly enough, to serve as a forever reminder that this pain was temporary but the pain of losing his brothers would surely last till the end of time. Mammon shows the mark on his hand, Lucifer clicks his tongue in disapproval as someone might ask about the pact but the second brother waves his concern away. He enjoys looking at the pact, the constant reassurance that they would be okay when the word goes to absolute shit, and Lucifer couldn't find any argument against that. They both look at the eldest who crosses his arms with a sharp, "No-" before puppy eyes come into play and Lucifer's pride can not save him from that.

What they both don't expect is for Lucifer to turn around and spread his wings out as if to show off, but then they see it. The markings trailing up his spine and next to the scars of where his two wings used to be, Levi is the first to reach up and touch it, internally blaming the remnants of Lucifer's pride that is making him so bold. He sees his hand tremble but luckily he is able to hold his voice steady, "Just because we made this pact..doesn't mean you both get to just fuck up. Y-You both should always come home." Lucifer nods, Mammon kisses his cheek and Levi struggles to hide his tears.

When Levithan leaves the room while closing the door behind him, reality, as he knew it just a few hours ago, wasn't all that different and he can hear Asmo drunkenly cheering as Satan carries him through the door. "Hey, Levi! Don't hide in your room- you better come join us." He doesn't give his thoughts a chance, heading down the stairs with a small smile. The world hadn't changed, but Levi would be forever.

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AHHH THIS HAS BEEN SITTING THE DRAFTS FOREVER I'M SO GLAD I FINISHED IT. Please please let me know if I should make an explanation post of how the pacts would work (it will most likely be headcanons cause I don't know how they work in canon 😪😪)

either way, I really hope you enjoyed the fic as I did writing it! I'm still working on the next part for the Armageddon AU so bear with me 😭

#obey me #angst #lucifer angst #mammon and lucifer #obey me angst #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me shall we date? #obey me leviathan #levi angst #mammon and levi #mammon angst #Lucifer angst #armageddonau

[hes-writer]

drivers’ license

Summary: harry teaches y/n how to drive

Warnings: angst, a little bit of fluff

Word Count: 1805 words

A/N: the ‘blonde girl’ has no face claim.

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MASTERLIST

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There were many milestones that Y/N strived to remember; things that she wanted to embed in her memory because each fleeting moment was a few seconds away from being lost.  She was afraid that in a blink of an eye; everything would disappear, that she wouldn’t even remember what had been forgotten.

But she would never forget him. Harry. The best friend who taught her how to drive with the utmost patience, calm correction of her mistakes and gentle voice to ease her worry as soon as the shift went from ‘P’ to ‘D’.  He was there with precise instruction, detailing each rule and advice that would help her acquire her drivers’ license.  He was tolerant of her constant ability to doubt herself, always assuring Y/N that she could do it.

It was silly why Y/N was scared of driving.  It was because it felt so grown up, so adult-like and it bought a sense of responsibility.  It meant fully committing to adulthood.  There was a shift that everything was changing.  And by that, she meant everything.

.

.

.

It seemed like a distant memory now.

Y/N took the leap of faith to start learning how to drive, trusting him to teach her the ways. Harry was her light in a dark day.  His smile was bright enough for her to admit that through the haze of her nervousness; it wasn’t just caused by her fear of handling and operating a vehicle.

It also had to do with the way Y/N’s stomach fluttered with butterflies when she had parked in an empty lot, Harry sitting on the passenger’s seat as they talked to each other about anything and everything their minds could conjure up at that very moment. No filter.

How Harry enthusiastically shared his excitement about Y/N’s newfound ability to drive to and fro from her apartment to his place.  They would be able to go on drives on the coast with nostalgic songs blasting on the radio, screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs where no one would hear them.  The wind sifting through his hair to which she commented on maybe getting it snipped; it was why Harry opted to not trust Y/N with scissors anymore after a close-call with the sharp tool.  She didn’t know why he had decided to trust her with it in the first place--she was a clumsy one.

Yet Harry continued to spend each and every second of his free time with her, even when he was booked to the hilt with mandatory meetings and unplanned fan encounters, Y/N stood by his side as an unofficial photographer.  The dopey grin on her face must’ve been permanent every time that she was around him.  Sometimes she looked through the screen of the phone and wondered just how much she would break if Harry wasn’t around in her life and all she had to remember him by was the captured portrait of his kind aura leaking through the device; almost as if he was there right beside her because Y/N seemed to label her best memories with him around.

Harry was it for her.  Even if her feelings were not mutual, Y/N would take being his closest friend over being a stranger because at least she was near him.  Luckily, Harry returned her affection.  Though, it was humiliating to vouch for a relationship that would have to go through troughs and trenches in order to be rendered successful.  It seemed impossible with her stoic life compared to his fast-paced, always moving, always travelling situation.

Y/N was willing to work for it.  If she were to make a list of things she wanted most, it would be the unconditional love from the one that meant the most to her.  Harry was exactly what she wanted--what she needed.  Y/N didn’t know what she did in her past life or even now that caused the universe to gift her with a presence as charming and graceful as his but she would do it every day if it meant coming home to his warm embrace.

But Harry wasn’t so keen on commitment.  There was no denying that his thorough discourse of relationships hindered his ability to fully trust any future partners and Y/N understood that.  The distance gets to peoples’ heads, even his, admittedly.  Loneliness seeps through his fingers, directing his body to strangely familiar bodies. Ones whom he was not currently committed to. Wandering hands.

Despite that, Y/N knew that Harry was a good person.  Some may call her a fool for giving him a chance but he truly was a genuine guy.  She had seen it when he was coddled up, blankets bunched all the way to his chin, only showcasing his angelic face.  The crease of his brows free from any worries.  He was simply him.  She had seen him when he was the most vulnerable.

Harry was a romantic person.  He loved to love.  He adored the concept of having someone behind him, beside him and in front of him at all times to catch him when he fell, to support him in any new journeys and to lead him when he was lost.  Y/N could understand his shortcomings, aiming to better the other person instead of putting them down.  She wanted a dialogic approach instead of having a conversation where all she pointed out was his bad qualities.

What she couldn’t comprehend was how easily he had lied to her.

She wasn’t asking for much; Y/N promised to wait for him until he was ready. Until his previous baggage was deemed easy enough to carry, or at least when Harry was able to talk about it without anointing skepticism to his actions.  Though, Harry had blatantly disregarded her purity to be patient towards him.  Basically, he had told her that he was not ready for a relationship yet here he was now, holding hands with another girl.  The blonde woman had caused insecurities to sprout from deep within her since Harry kept citing her age and maturity, adding that she was ‘different’ from the rest as if he hadn’t mentioned it previously.

.

.

.

Y/N would ask herself from time to time; when a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound?

She compared it to the times’ Harry’s voice cracked in the middle of singing songs that embedded itself in her memory and the way his ears tinted a blush pink even under the night sky after Y/N quickly gave a glance in his direction.  She reminisced about the times when he would explain any ideas he had about new songs, thoroughly immersing not only himself but her as well, in his art.  He would sometimes stop midway as if lost in thought when really he was just mesmerized by the slope of her nose and the pucker of her lips.

He was so passionate.  So indulged and fervent in making sure everything he did was one-hundred percent, authentically him.  Harry spoke with grit when he was overly zealous and he tended with a soft voice when he felt vulnerable.

It was glaringly loud; Y/N could hear him everywhere she went.  But now that he was gone—out of reach—did those conversations ever really happen?  Was she even present when Harry shyly played a song he had been working on for her, singing stripped with just his raspy voice, serenading her with a tune describing how much gratitude he felt that she was present in his life.  He appreciated her so much for accepting him even when the world criticized his every action. For being there when he seemingly felt lonely.

.

.

.

Life itself was funny to her.

Sometimes Y/N wondered how she could let herself be vulnerable with somebody else other than herself.  It was plastered everywhere—love never lasts.  Relationships come and go, people leave and never return, friends, drift apart and detaching from oneself was even possible.  It was practically the motto of anyone searching for love—looking for a sense of comfort and belonging, yet she was practically crushed by the overwhelming reality that it may never happen.

She hated the way her heart longed for him to be near as if when he was too far away it ached in pain.  Y/N disliked the feeling of being out of place because where she truly belonged was in his arms.  Harry’s nose nuzzled at the top of her head, inhaling her scent as though it was the last time he would hold her—for a while at least.

And it really was because the next day he had left to catch a flight a mere continent away.

____

The night before was special to Y/N. Harry left with a promise of ‘forever’ and that he would return straight to her after his tour ends.  It was a dainty promise but Y/N chose to believe him because it was Harry and he never strayed from his words.

He promised to return and Y/N had sworn to wait for him. They both agreed, after admitting their feelings the night before he left, that a long-distance relationship was not how either of them wanted to begin.  Although their friendship had lasted years prior to finding out the bubbling flame between them, crossing the line as seamlessly as possible was the gateway to a healthy relationship.

Y/N could hardly wait for his return now that she was driving alone to where she needed to be.  Harry was always at the back of her mind no matter how hard she tried to distract herself.  He was attached to the episodic memory of Y/N successfully learning how to drive; that was something she couldn’t really forget.

.

.

.

Y/N unlocked the car doors, breathing deeply as soon as she was situated on the driver’s seat. The beeping of the car ringing in her ears until she was reminded to close the car door shut.

She blinked her lids tightly, feeling salty tears pooling at her waterline.  It was a sad excuse of trying to not start sobbing right then and there but she was successful.

Starting the engine, Y/N sniffled as she adjusted her mirror, making sure that she could see through them before driving off. As she focused her eyes on the road, Harry’s voice repeated in her head.

She didn’t know where she was going. Y /N didn’t really have a destination to arrive to because her brain was filled with images of Harry and her.  Kissing, hugging, looking at each other as if nobody else in the mattered; not even Y/N.

And it hurt a lot because she kept her promise of waiting for him to return but it seemed like he had no trouble filling the hole in his heart, unlike her.

He moved on.

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#harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles writing #harry styles blurb #harry styles fan fic #harry styles angst

[acemapleeh]

2, 4, 9, 11, 12 for HWS Canada? Your fics are so underratted!

Thank you, that’s sweet of you <3

Link to the ask game here

2. What is their favorite piece of technology?

Honestly, when you live for so many centuries, what do you pick? Space heaters are definitely on the top of the list, instant coffee and electric kettles for an easy, hot drink in the morning, solar panels to heat up isolated ice fishing shacks. It’s all the little things that have added up that’s made life so much easier and warmer. Telephones took a while to get used to, but having his family and friends so easily available is both a blessing and curse. He’s not afraid to shut off his phone and fuck off for a few weeks, but given the fact the people who understand his existence most are typically hundreds of miles away, this makes reaching out for reassurance for his loneliness easier.

4. Was there anything their parents pushed them to do? (e.g. sports, theatre, band)

Matthew had the absolute joy and privilege of having to be raised under Arthur's roof for the majority of the 19th century. He had already mastered his reading, writing, and arithmetic, so now what was left to teach was how to be a proper English gentleman of society. He didn't need to be a scholar and like hell was he going to be sent to Public School or university. Matthew's education focused heavily focused on sportsmanship, etiquette, leadership, and even confidence, so he would have all of the necessary skills to eventually be a legitimate member of society as well as a proper nation (someday). His governess taught him the waltz, conducting himself at dinner parties, poetry, art, music, languages (such as Latin and Greek), and various other subjects (astronomy, history, classical text, geography, etc.). He was expected to be well-rounded.

Arthur took charge of teaching him hands-on, practical skills. Matthew enjoyed learning to shoot long-range, how to sail on Ullswater Lake, and even military strategy was a useful skill. He could care less about playing the violin or the harpsichord, he still doesn't understand how cricket works, and though he isn't terrible on horseback, the English sidestep and other equine traditions boggle his mind. Also, he will appreciate the works of Shakespeare, but please, he's retched on stage.

9. What chronic illnesses does your muse have if any?

Chronic depression, anxiety, vitamin D deficiency, and hockey ankles.

On a serious note, I think I'll answer the other part of this in the next question as they go hand in hand.

11. Does your muse wear glasses/contacts?

He must absolutely wear glasses. I, like many, say that this all started in World War 1 with the Second Battle of Ypres where the Germans first utilized poison gas. Matthew would wake several days later after his death at this battle, screaming in confusion and absolute agony. His wails only stop when his throat no longer lets him, coughing and spitting blood as his chest feels as though it's on fire. He pauses when a hand holds his and he could hear cries that were not his own. Matthew's death was not a kind one. His eyes were bandaged and sewn shut in order to heal properly. For days the world was darkness, he lay only in content because of the constant morphine being put in his veins. He feels guilty as he's told his sight will soon return, that he was healing well. Too many of his men, some not even old enough to even lie about being a man, were dead.

He could hardly recognize his reflection when he finally has the chance. His eyes aren't focusing, he scolds himself. There were still bandages, his skin blistered and burned from his face to his hands. Deep breaths hurt, sitting up hurts but it won't be until autumn evenings will the true damage his lungs received will come to light. He pants while continuing to march forward, clouds of cold breath painful, he places a hand against a tree, winded.

Things get better with time but his sight is never what it used to be, glasses a must whenever he leaves the house. His lungs are irritated in the cold. He hates that those deep breaths of frigid air that should bring him nothing but comfort now trigger coughing fits and moments of weakness.

12. What are some warning signs that your muse is getting depressed?

It's something that's definitely easier to notice in modern times. Having a case of the morbs back in the day was him wallowing in the halls and staying in bed past ten in the morning like a dysfunctional member of society. He would lounge in the fake graveyard his father staged, reading morbid books and poems while hoping the ground would swallow him whole. He was very quiet about his depressive episodes for a very long time. It was normal, everyone surely had to have felt the same way he did from time to time. Desperately needing a laudanum and opium nap every other day was normal, right? He had yet to realize just how deep his exhaustion was running from upkeeping appearances. 

These days it all starts showing by how long it's been since he's looked at his messages. He won’t leave anyone on read, just scrolls to see the notification to make sure it’s nothing urgent, then promptly ignores it. A few days is usually okay, he might have the honest reason of work piling up or he was camping somewhere with no reception. Weeks to a month go by without one call or message to Alfred, there’s a problem. Matthew’s way of coping is self-isolation. His family doesn’t respect him, his friends hate him, everyone only pretends to mildly tolerate him- oh! Alfred texted him to go out for coffee... maybe it’d be best if got out of the house. 

If it’s not isolation, it’s his sleeping habits. Are you sleeping too much or too little? Yes. He goes back and forth of sleeping for twelve hours or more a day to staring at his ceiling thinking it’d be easier to have a quick death. He’s lethargic, you have a conversation with him and he spaces out. A quick apology that he’s just tired and has a headache. He takes another painkiller because his shoulders and back were killing him on top of it.

Really, just check up on him once in a while because depression comes from nowhere and sticks like a tough stain. Pick him up, brush him off, and let him know you remember him and don’t hate him, then put him to bed and throw a forty pound blanket on him for good measure.

#hws canada #matthew williams #dumb little headcanons #ask box #man i wrote a wee bit more than planned sorry sorry

[rainingpouringetc]

so hug all your friends and let them know you’re not letting go

ch 1 - what’s it like to be alone on a sunday

alastair/ariadne/grace/christopher/eugenia/jesse friendship fic for ya :) | read on AO3 | masterlist

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It took them a rather long time to all find each other. Looking back, it seemed almost a miracle that they had. It seemed a miracle that they hadn’t allowed childhood gripes and societal biases to come between them and tear their little found family apart.

Alastair and Ariadne credited themselves with being the first of the group. Grace disputed this, saying she and Jesse had known each other far longer; Christopher and Eugenia chose to remain silent on this matter. 

“You lot might’ve known each other,” Ariadne liked to say, brown eyes gleaming, “but Alas and I were the founds of this group. We’re the ones who brought the six of us together.” And she was right.

It had started with a ball, which took place a short time after Cordelia’s engagement party. It didn’t much matter which one it was or even who was hosting—all that mattered was it had been dreadfully boring and Sona had been harping on Alastair for standing morosely on the edges of the dance floor.

Eager to stop her constant nagging, he had approached Ariadne Bridgestock and politely asked for a dance. He had never exchanged more than a few words with her directly, though Charles had told him much about her. He did know that she was like him; the way she watched Anna Lightwood—like she was untouchable behind a pane of glass, only to be longed for from afar—was much too familiar. It helped his own cause that she was the Inquisitor’s daughter. Sona would be delighted.

Ariadne had been perfectly proper in accepting his request to dance. They had been silent for the first few bars of music until Charles and Grace twirled by, eliciting an eye roll from Alastair. Ariadne raised an eyebrow at that, a knowing smile playing on her lips. It was easy, after that, to strike up a conversation. They had a mutual contempt for Charles, and gossiping about him came easily. From there, it wasn’t much of a stretch to talk about other things. They chatted mildly about Shadowhunter politics before swiftly moving on to upcoming social events (which they were both looking to avoid). By the end of the song, they were enthusiastically chatting about a library a few blocks away from the Institute that neither of them had been able to go to yet but were both desperately hoping to browse.

“Care to join me for another turn around the room?” Alastair asked, flashing a rare smile.

“Why, of course,” Ariadne replied, taking his hand and allowing him to draw her close as the music started up again. “We have much to discuss if we’re to decline Catherine’s invitation to the park next Friday in favor of allowing ourselves to be lost in the library.”

They did just that. Cordelia was a bit cross with her brother for leaving her to go to the park alone—“You’re not going to be alone, Layla, you’ll still have James and Lucie and all their little friends”—but, after a bit of light bickering, she bid him farewell and slunk off to the waiting Herondale carriage.

Alastair found Ariadne at the library, already with her nose buried in a book. It was the perfect way to start a friendship, he thought later. They spent the day exchanging their favorite books and authors, each leaving with a back-breaking pile when the sun dipped below the horizon. Ariadne proposed they stop for dinner, but Alastair declined, stating he wished to stop the rumor mill before it had a chance to begin. They themselves might know that nothing of that sort could occur between them—it was simply impossible—but the rest of the Enclave did not. Ariadne was quite gracious about it and gave him a kind smile before disappearing down the road toward her house.

After that day, they sought each other out more and more often. Every party and ball found them chatting on the edges of the room. Every dreaded social event found them disappearing to a nearby park or library, anywhere to enjoy each other’s company in peace. Alastair found himself drawn not just to Ariadne’s gentleness but also her startling wit. It was good, he thought, that she so often chose to turn the other cheek when confronted with a tense accusation. If she wanted, she could cut those gossipers down with a few sharp words. It was like looking at an alternate timeline in which Alastair had never gone to the Academy and rather grew up warm and loved. Instead, he had been forced into thick skin and a quick tongue, one that often got ahead of him.

Eventually, every lonely night found them at each other’s doorstep, propriety be damned. Alastair learned to climb the trellis up to Ariadne’s window; he learned to knock three times before ducking his head in preparation for her throwing the window open wide and inviting him in. She always had a robe nearby for nights like this, as well as an empty closet for him to hide in should someone decide to drop by unexpectedly. Ariadne, in turn, learned to keep a stock of Risa’s favorite chocolates; she learned to bribe the maid into letting her steal away up the stairs to Alastair’s room at midnight and not breath a word of it to the other Carstairs. He had an uncanny way of knowing when she would be there. He was always waiting to open the door before she had to knock.

Those nights, so full of loneliness and despair, were the ones when memories came back to haunt them. Those were the nights when Alastair thought about his father, about the Academy, about all the things he convinced himself were his fault. Those were the nights when Ariadne thought about her life in India, about Anna, about all the things she convinced herself she could have done differently. Those were the nights when they silently reminded each other that they weren’t alone, that they deserved better.

Their bond was somewhat unexpected but nevertheless irreplaceable.

They supposed it was only a matter of time before something should change.

---

It was perhaps a month after Cordelia’s engagement party and Alastair was climbing up to Ariadne’s window. His day had been long and fraught with awkward encounters with the Merry Thieves. Thomas was still blatantly ignoring him and Matthew was his usual charming self. James was a bit more tolerable, and Christopher didn’t seem to entirely know what it was they were all upset about, only that he’d better be upset about it too. All Alastair needed, he thought, was someone to tell him he had been trying his best. His mind kept snagging on Thomas’s words. If you come near me or speak to me at any point after this, I will knock you into the Thames.

He reached the top and, light as could be, knocked thrice. He ducked his head but, to his surprise, no answer came. Frowning, he tried again. When Ariadne still did not come to the window, he huffed in frustration and lifted himself up to peer into the room. A light was on, which was a bit odd. Usually, the house had gone to bed by now; it was well after midnight, after all.

It wasn’t until far too late that Alastair realized Ariadne was not alone in her room. He met the steely gray eyes of Grace Blackthorn and nearly let go of the trellis in shock. He’d nearly forgotten she was staying with the Bridgestocks. Grace’s eyes widened, then snapped to Ariadne—whose back was, evidently, turned to the window—then back to Alastair. She stormed to the window, flung it open, and hissed for him to just get inside already.

Once Alastair had pulled himself through the window (a rather unpleasant experience he doubted he’d ever get used to), Grace turned to him and rather looked like she wished to smack him. “Why on earth,” she whispered, voice dripping with rage, “are you crawling through Ariadne’s window at two in the morning?”

It was a fair question, but one he had no desire to answer. “What are you doing in Ariadne’s room at two in the morning?” he deflected, lifting his chin haughtily.

“I had matters to discuss with her,” Grace told him, voice tight. Ariadne rolled her eyes.

“As did I.” Alastair leaned against the bedpost with a casualness he did not feel, crossing his arms and regarding Grace with practiced iciness.

“You had something so important to discuss that it could not wait just a few more hours for proper social calling times?” Grace raised a silver-blonde brow at him. “Well, don’t let me stop you.”

With that, she swept out of the room, through an odd look over her shoulder at Ariadne.

“Do you think she ever gets tired of being so bitter?” Ariadne questioned, then looked apologetically at Alastair. “What I mean is… I suppose she must get lonely. I can’t imagine Charles being good company to her, and she hardly talks to anyone else.”

Alastair considered this. I wouldn’t wish Charles’ company on anyone, he thought for a moment, then caught himself. It was odd, thinking about Charles. For so long he had given his whole heart to loving Charles. Now, that love had twisted into bitterness, but not necessarily because of who Charles was. His brain hurt thinking about it, so he asked, “What was it she needed to discuss with you?

Ariadne shrugged and pulled her robe tighter around herself. “She didn’t get around to it. You got here the same time she did.”

They waited a few days for repercussions, sure that Grace would find some way to use this against them. Ariadne wasn’t sure if Grace had mentioned something to the Inquisitor or not. It would be quite scandalous should it get out that Alastair had been in her bedroom at two in the morning.

Days passed, and nothing happened. It seemed they were in the clear.

The next time they saw Grace was in the park, at a social event they usually would’ve tried to skip. She was there with Charles, who seemed too busy chatting with snobbish Shadowhunters and their parents to notice when Grace slipped away and came over to meet them.

Alastair and Ariadne were standing together by the waterfront. Cordelia had gone off to find Lucie, and Ariadne had come alone. As Grace approached, they both tensed, steeling themselves for some form of blackmail or threat. Instead, she simply nodded politely in greeting and said, “Well, isn’t this a bore.”

Alastair raised an eyebrow. It certainly wasn’t what he’d been expecting. “Indeed it is. And how are you, Grace?”

“Oh.” She waved the question away with a flap of her gloved hand. “Well, what is it you two usually do to get away from events such as this?”

Alastair exchanged a glance with his friend. A knowing smile sat on her lips. He turned to Grace. “We’ll show you.”

---

Sometime between when Grace had left and when she returned, Charles had gone from talking enthusiastically about dreadfully boring political matters with some of the more prominent names of their parents’ generation to sighting exasperatedly at the antics of the Merry Thieves and company, with whom he was now engaged in conversation. From what Grace could tell as she approached, Thomas and Christopher looked like they would rather not be there. Lucie was whispering something in Cordelia’s ear, and the latter was standing dutifully by James. James himself looked rather bored as he interrupted whatever it was Charles was saying to Matthew.

Grace braced herself, took a breath, and stepped up to her fiancé’s side. “Charles?” she said mildly, erasing any hint of emotion from her voice. He looked down at her in surprise. She could feel the weight of everyone’s eyes on her as she continued. “You need not wait for me when you’re finished. I’m departing early.”

Charles’s red brows furrowed. It might’ve been cute. Grace wouldn’t know. “Why is that, dear?”

“Ariadne Bridgestock and Alastair Carstairs invited me to browse a favorite library of theirs,” she said calmly. “I accepted. They’re waiting for me by the carriage now.”

As if in disbelief, the group turned as one and looked over to the Inquisitor’s carriage. Alastair and Ariadne, true to their word, were talking quietly to one another just next to it. Alastair whispered something, his eyebrows raised and a smile on his face. As he spoke, Ariadne tipped her head back in laughter.

Matthew watched the two with barely concealed fury; Thomas looked rather like someone had just slapped him. Grace filed it away, intending to inquire into the reasons of their reactions as soon as she could. Perhaps there was leverage to be found there.

The others largely looked on with mild bemusement. “I didn’t know they were friends,” Lucie said, her voice tinted with surprise. “Do they have an understanding?” she wondered aloud. She turned to Cordelia. “Did you know?”

Cordelia looked hesitant to answer. Her eyes were on her brother, and they were softened by love. Something snagged in Grace’s mind. That feeling dancing in Cordelia’s eyes was all too familiar. It was how Grace felt when she thought of Jesse.

Grace interjected before Cordelia could say anything. “I shouldn’t leave them waiting. Goodbye, Charles.” She nodded a farewell to the others and made for the carriage, never once letting her posture sad as they burned holes into her back with their stares.

---

It was a bit different with Grace there. Ariadne hadn’t quite decided that it was a bad different, thought. She was willing to take a chance on the girl, foolish as it might prove her to be.

Alastair clearly already regretted the decision to invite her along as the awkward silence in the carriage dragged on. He set his jaw, crossed his arms, and stared determinedly out the window—telltale signs that he was retreating into himself again. Ariadne sighed, searching for something to stay to the girl beside her.

“Do you have a favorite book, Grace?” she finally asked politely. It was proper enough, and they were going to the library after all.

Grace considered the question for a long moment before she responded. “I’ve always loved The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins. Have you read it?”

“I have not,” Ariadne told her. “I’ll look for it when we get to the library. They have so many books, I’m sure they’ll have it somewhere.”

The silence began to creep up on them again. “Well,” Grace said, breaking it, “what about you, Ariadne? What is your favorite book?”

Ariadne brightened. “The Prisoner of Zenda. If you’d like to read it, I have a copy of my own at home—you needn’t worry about finding it at the library.”

Grace dipped her head in a nod, and Ariadne spied the faint beginnings of a smile on her face. Grace turned to Alastair, who was still pointedly not looking at either of them. “And you?”

A muscle twitched in Alastair’s jaw. Ariadne could almost see the conflict raging in his eyes. This had been his idea, she wanted to remind him. They were giving Grace a chance. The tension went out of his shoulders as he flicked his dark eyes to Grace’s. “Machiavelli’s The Prince.”

Grace looked rather pleased by his answer. “That one I’ve read. I quite enjoyed it.”

This was the right thing to say. The corner of Alastair’s mouth twitched upward in pleasant surprise as he engaged her in a conversation about the book and its contents. Ariadne listened, warm happiness spreading in her chest. She hadn’t read the book—it was on her list—but listening to the two of them talk about it with such enthusiasm was enough to melt the tense atmosphere she’d been so worried would settle over them all. Ariadne was reminded suddenly of the night she and Alastair had met and danced and talked and talked.

The conversation turned so that she could join back in, and by the time they reached the library, they were all chatting as though they were long-lost friends. Perhaps they were in another life.

Time passed like sand slipping through fingers, smooth and fast and easier than it should have been. Ariadne knew much of their conversation was close to the surface. Grace was still not quite trustworthy enough for anything deeper. She was all tangled up with James and Charles and now Cordelia as well—Ariadne didn’t blame Alastair for being a bit chary of interacting with her. Still… a part of Ariadne felt like maybe Grace could grow to be a close friend like Alastair had.

i hope you guys enjoyed! i love this idea so much, they all deserve happiness and i wish they could find it together.

tagging @ohcoolnice @stxr-thxif @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @doitforthecarstairs @itsdaughterofthemoon @imherongraystairstrash bc i hope y’all like this lol. send me an ask if you’d like to be tagged in future updates <3

#this is THE longest fic i've ever written and i'm a bit nervous lol so pls tell me ur thoughts #also lemme know if the ao3 link doesn't work #tlh #the last hours #alastair carstairs #ariadne bridgestock #grace blackthorn #tlh fanfic #artie tries to write #chain of gold #chain of iron #coi #chog #coi spoilers #kinda? eventually. i'm just paranoid.

[fierysafrina]

Longing | Satan x reader

Fandom: Obey Me! Rating: General Word Count: 2.760 Genre: Hurt/Comfort | Slice of Life | Fluff | slight Angst Additional tags: death mentioned Summary: This time around every year, you always distance yourself from friends. Being in Devildom, it hasn’t changed. You only hoped no one would notice. Notes: I’ve been having a bit of crappy days this week since the anniversary is approaching and I really need some fluff and comfort, which is how this came to be.

---

You were walking down the busy hallway of the academy. Demons were all around, talking, laughing and walking, minding their own business. Feeling your phone vibrate, you checked it, frowning at the messages Mammon was sending. You chuckled, shaking your head seeing he got himself in another trouble with Lucifer. With a silent sigh, instead of an answer, you put it back into the pocket and continued your way. Halfway, Solomon joined you and you ended talking about projects.

You tried to talk to him, yet your mind seemed obviously absent. And it seemed like Solomon noticed.

“Are you alright?” he stopped just outside the classroom you were about to walk inside to prepare for next class.

Your eyes met with his, the corners of your lips turning upwards in an awkward smile. “I’ll be.” You admitted, cheeks heating up, eyes glossy.

Solomon reached out and brushed his hand against your upper arm, smiling. “I’m here.”

Your expression softened as you nodded. “Thank you…” It was just a whisper in the loud and noisy hallway, but you knew Solomon heard it.

---

Sitting in the common room on the couch, you stared at the wood that crackled in fire. Your legs were beneath your weight, arms wrapped around, brushing your shoulders every now and then. There were voices around, Mammon and Leviathan arguing and Lucifer somewhere in the background. It was quite easy to tune them out from their constant bickering that you didn’t realize a certain demon sitting opposite of you, his green eyes focusing on you.

Satan was about to call for you, ask if you were alright, when Belphegor’s voice woke you from your thoughts.

“There you are…”

You blinked with your eyes and before you realized what happened, Belphegor’s head was on your lap, already sleeping. A chuckle escaped your lips and you shook your head only to startle when Mammon raised his voice, finger pointed at the youngest. “It’s okay,” you said, smile just a bit wider. “I don’t mind if Belphie sleeps here.”

Mammon huffed, his cheeks hot and darker than usual and you couldn’t help but coo at him.

“Aw, is Mammon jealous?” Placing a hand on your cheek, you were grinning as he stammered out an obvious excuse. Leviathan was quick to join and no sooner the two ended in another argument. You chuckled as you looked down at Belphegor, one hand on his head. Your fingers gently caressed his head and Belphegor hummed in approval, expression turning much more peaceful. With a smile slowly disappearing, that painful expression came forward once more.

Satan’s heart ached at the sight. He didn’t know what was wrong, thinking everything was alright, but he noticed how distant you’ve become. He thought it was only his imagination, but now that he took a closer look and approached it differently he saw that look in your eyes. The look of loneliness, grievance and sadness. He thought to all those times, in a span of the last two weeks, thinking if he or the brothers were the reason for this. Was it another demon instead? Perhaps Simeon, Luke or Solomon? Maybe Diavolo said something to you? Yet no matter how much he thought he always came forward with the conclusion that nothing was wrong. At least nothing from their sides.

Which meant you must miss your home back in the human world.

Looking at Lucifer, the oldest was then scolding Beelzebub, who walked into the common room, arms full of snacks. Narrowing his eyebrows, his gaze fell back on you just in time you wiped a tear away. His eyes widened and he was about to stand up, but stilled when you looked at him. The way your eyes widened, horror visible on your expression made his chest feel tighter than before. He didn’t want to see that expression on your face. Not in your eyes. You looked to the side, immediately averting your gaze on the brothers instead, lips pursued into a thin line.

Satan didn’t find a chance to talk about it.

---

“Hm…” Lucifer hummed, eyes focused on your picture. He blinked and looked at Satan, who tried to remain as expressionless as possible, but Lucifer recognized that twinkle of hope in his eyes. “Is there any particular reason you want to go to the human world?”

Deadpanning, Satan resisted an urge to facepalm. “Do I need it?” he asked in a slightly annoyed voice.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow. “Who else will go?”

“Just me and [Name].” he answered almost too quickly. Lucifer couldn’t hide the surprise, but he smiled quickly after. “I believe they’re homesick.”

“They haven’t said anything.”

“Would you if you knew you needed permission to go somewhere?” Satan bit back, annoyance visible on his face. “They can’t exactly leave as they see fit, can they? Not without someone who can travel through eight layers with ease.”

Lucifer remained quiet, eyes focusing back on the picture. Closing his eyes, he sighed. “Alright.” he put the picture back down on the desk. “I do believe you’ll come back before dinner.”

The only answer Satan gave was a nod before he turned and left the office. His footsteps were rushed, quick, but quiet, slight excitement easily spotted. He couldn’t wait to tell you; to see a smile spread across your lips and hug—no, no. Satan shook his head. He couldn’t give his own hopes up that you’d hug him. After all, you weren’t in that kind of relationship.

Slowing down to a normal pace, Satan lowered his gaze to his feet. How should he tell you? Right away? Maybe while you’re reading together in his room or library? During dinner? But during dinner others will be around. Mammon would definitely want to go along and Satan didn’t want that. He wanted to go alone with you. You, him and no one else. Maybe he should bring you to that bookstore you always talked about?

But … haven’t you avoided him ever since he caught you tearing up?

Coming to a stop, Satan narrowed his eyebrows. Caressing his chin, he wondered how to approach you first.

Your laughter brought him out of thinking. He raised his gaze and saw you walking upstairs with Asmodeus. He must have told you about his “horrors” when his nail broke because of your laughter. It didn’t seem like any of you spotted him yet, so he stepped on the staircase that led to the planetarium and watched you. You looked … pretty in Satan’s eyes. He loved how you covered your mouth when you laughed, threw your head back just a bit while wrinkles appeared around your eyes. He often found himself returning the smile even if it wasn’t meant for him.

That was okay. As long as you smiled was everything that mattered to him.

“Oh, right,” Asmodeus seemed to remember just before the two of you parted your ways. “Why don’t you come to my room later? I have some scented candles and bath salts I’m sure you’d love. You’ve been so tense and closed-off these days.” He brushed his hand against your arm and Satan raised an eyebrow.

Your mouth twitched, but the smile continued to be genuine as you replied; “I’ll come. I just need to call someone.”

Satan didn’t like that last sentence. Not by what was spoken, but the tone of it. Something was off. Asmodeus didn’t seem to catch it as he agreed and disappeared down the hallway towards his bedroom.

You, on the other hand, remained standing on the hallway, staring after the demon. Closing your eyes, you sighed and shook with your head, turning around.

Your name left his lips before he could stop himself.

Turning his way, your eyes were wide, surprise evident. “Satan?” you tilted your head, wonder and curiosity overtaking.

Stepping down the stairs, he approached you with a smile. Act natural. “There’s something I wish to tell you.”

Eyes widening, you blinked, but nodded. “Should we go to the common room?” you pointed towards the staircase.

“My room’s closer.” He turned before he could see you pursue your lips into a thin line, freezing on the spot, but stumbling to catch up with him. He was confident. He could do this. He could tell you of the trip.

Who was Satan kidding? As much as he looked calm on the outside, he was panicking inside. No matter how much he tried to come up with something to say, the moment he blurted; “You want to come with me to the human world?” he knew he messed up. If your wide eyes and shocked expression wasn’t proof enough.

“I-I mean—” “Yes!” you overtook him before he could come up with an excuse.

Satan blinked, surprised. “W-what?” he stammered.

“I’d love to accompany you.” You smiled and Satan relaxed almost immediately, because the smile he saw was the smile he fell for.

“Okay,” he smiled back, nodding with his head. “I know it’s soon, but I was thinking of going perhaps tomorrow?”

Tilting head to the side, you nibbled on your lower lip, thinking. “Tomorrow is okay…” you nodded after a moment.

“Alright. Tomorrow after breakfast.” Satan agreed and before he could say anything else, you were hugging him. He tensed in your arms, but quickly relaxed to your warmth. For a moment he could feel your arms shaking. He couldn’t ask you what’s wrong, because you were long gone from his room.

---

The next morning during breakfast, you were sitting on the complete opposite than Satan. He didn’t like that. He wanted to talk about the places you’d like to visit. He didn’t want to speak louder of it to grab anyone else’s attention. He couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed. Did he upset you somehow? Did you change your mind and didn’t want to go with him anymore? What angered him the most was that he didn’t know the reason.

Which was why he was completely missing the glances you always managed to sneak his way and a small smile that spread across your lips.

---

“Satan,” Lucifer called his name.

Satan turned and raised an eyebrow.

“Be kind.” Was everything the former said before he began walking towards the portal.

Satan stared after his brother in confusion until your voice made him turn towards you. You were panting, cheeks flushed when you came to stop in front of him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.” You apologized, sweat dropping. “I needed an excuse to get Mammon out of my room, since I don’t think anyone else knows of this trip.”

This time, Satan’s cheeks turned into rosy shade and you smiled. “I—”

“It’s okay,” you overtook him. “I-I mean, I know you don’t feel that way, but I’m really grateful for inviting me along. It means a lot.” You were sincere and Satan couldn’t find it in himself to correct you. You quickly spotted Lucifer not too far away. Without a glance at Satan, you approached the oldest brother as he began to talk you through the portal traveling.

Satan stood there, eyes focused on you and unable to say anything. Then again, what could he say? He couldn’t tell you he fell for you in this short time since you came to Devildom. He couldn’t risk the friendship you already had.

---

“Is there someplace you’d like to visit?” Satan asked as you strolled down the street of a neighbouring town.

Biting your lower lip, you were hesitating to answer. “There…is one place…” you whispered.

Satan smiled gently, urging you to talk.

“It’s…in my hometown.” You continued slowly. “It’s less than an hour away by bus, so I don’t think we have enough time.” You scratched the side of your cheek, looking away.

“Nonsense,” Satan huffed. “Lucifer didn’t give us the exact time, did he?” his smile turned into half smirk. “Let’s go. If you want to go, I don’t see a reason why we shouldn’t.”

Your eyes welled up and you nodded. “Okay…” you choked and Satan’s eyes widened. “I’m okay. I’m just… Thank you, Satan.”

Without another word spoken, the two of you went on the first bus available to your hometown. The ride surprisingly wasn’t as boring as Satan thought it would be. The two of you talked—well you were the one mostly talking, but he didn’t mind it. Not when he could see your eyes lit up as you passed the houses and towns. It was an interesting experience that Satan wanted to do more than once. Although his gaze was focused mostly on you, he didn’t miss places either.

Yet there was one thing he realized. Despite the twinkle in your eyes, the closer you were getting, the quieter you were becoming. He wondered what was the cause, the problem.

He remembered when you stepped off the bus and looked around. There wasn’t anyone at the station, which seemed to be the usual as you weren’t bothered by it. He followed you upstairs, passing by a bar that played music. People outside, drinking and talking, some just passing by. You didn’t spare them a glance as your pace slightly quickened instead. You passed by a building that Satan realized was actually a hotel, followed by a spa and park. Children were playing outside, their parents sitting on benches or walking not too far behind.

Passing through a small forest, Satan could see a couple of deer behind a fence, eating and children wanting to pet them. He had to catch up with you when you didn’t stop.

“[Name]?” he called your name, but one look at you from the side prevented him from speaking. He followed you in silence. He managed to sneak glances around, seeing a small lake not too far away and what seemed like … a church on top of a hill, if those bells ringing were anything of a hint.

Reaching the top of a hill, Satan frowned when you almost passed the graveyard, relief washing over him for a moment, but tensed when you passed the church instead and walked towards the graveyard. He stopped, looking around, for some reason feeling uncertain. He wasn’t sure if he should follow as he was a demon of all beings, yet he still found himself standing by your side where you were kneeling. He couldn’t hide the surprise when he read the words.

Satan was certain you were talking, tears streaming down your cheeks. He heard his name being mentioned and his brothers, of Devildom and of angels. He stood there in silence, eyes focused on a gravestone of your father, as you spilled your heart out. One look at the date and he understood why you distanced yourself. No matter how many years have passed, you were still grieving. He understood why Lucifer told him to be gentle.

---

Only when the sky grew darker did you remain kneeling in silence. Your knees hurt and your throat was dry, but you didn’t mind that.

“I miss you…” you whispered and closed your eyes, seeing your father’s blurry face. You frowned, but shook your head, a silent sigh escaping your lips. Standing up, you stumbled and reached out your arms to prepare yourself for a fall only to be caught by an arm. Your eyes widened and you looked to the side, seeing Satan watching you in worry.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly.

“Mm …” you managed to nod, unable to say anything.

With a small smile, Satan held you, one arm behind your back and the other holding your hand. “You’ve been kneeling for hours. Let me help you.”

You averted your gaze, suddenly realizing how close he was. “You know,” you began slowly, eyes falling on the graveyard; “sometimes I still think he’s here. Home.”

Satan’s hold tightened.

You felt your throat closing in on you. “H-he wasn’t perfect…” your voice grew quieter. “But he was always t-there…”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and pulled you in a tight embrace. You held on his jacket, eyes shut. “We can stay a bit longer if you wish.”

You found yourself shaking your head. “It’s o-okay…” you murmured, finding your voice hoarse. “I talked a lot.” You chuckled and Satan followed. Pulling away, you looked into his and smiled. “Thank you.”

Caressing your cheek, the corners of Satan’s lips turned upwards in a small smile. “You have nothing to thank me for. If you wish, you can come back anytime you want. I’ll talk with Lucifer.”

You couldn’t find your words, but they weren’t needed. Embracing Satan, your shoulders shook as you gave in into your emotions.

#Obey Me Satan #Satan x reader #obey me! shall we date #obey me satan x reader #Obey Me fic #Obey Me fanfic #fanfiction #oneshot #aesthetic #moodboard

[duchesschameleon]

being alone vs. loneliness

summary: there's a difference between being alone and loneliness. seven months in Paris shows Emily how true that is.

AO3 link | word count: 1758

(a/n: this is pretty much a character study of Emily Prentiss after her "death" through when she first comes back to the BAU in season 7. it is my first Criminal Minds fanfic as well so I hope I did the character justice! unbeta'd but proofread by me)

It doesn’t bother her is the thing, being alone. Emily had grown up in a world, a family, where being on her own was not out of the ordinary. She can handle being alone.

But this is different. This is being completely alone and isolated from everyone in her life. This is Paris, with new identities and an assignment and an undeterminable amount of time before she sees a familiar face again. If she gets to see a familiar face again.

She clutches the mug in her hand, letting the warmth permeate her hands and hopefully her heart.

There’s being alone and then there’s this. Loneliness.

And loneliness is so much harder to handle. JJ had said that the team is looking for Doyle, that they’ll find him and bring him in somewhere he’ll never escape and Emily will get her life back. But Ian Doyle escaped a prison no one knew existed in North Korea. She knows there’s no prison on Earth he won’t find a way out of. This is her new reality, her new life. And that means no more BAU.

She inhales sharply, the ache in her chest growing and gnawing at her heart. No more being blown away by the sheer amount of knowledge Reid has, or throwing quips back and forth with Morgan. No more girls’ nights with JJ and Garcia, shopping and drinking coffee and reveling in the fact that they aren’t at work for once. No more joking with Rossi, begging him to cook for the team at least once. No more looking out for Hotch and making sure he gets home to Jack at a reasonable time. No more Aaron, no more working together and having each other’s backs and grabbing a late dinner because they both stayed at the office too long. No more invitations to his place for dinner because she doesn’t have human food in her apartment and he does need to get home to Jack. No more Sergio keeping her company and filling the empty spaces of her home.

She closes her eyes against the tears that have pooled up, letting a few fall before she wipes them away and steels herself against these emotions.

Wallowing will not help her establish a new life and new patterns here. She has an assignment, a file folder from JJ and a life to lead in Paris. She can mourn the loss of her team, her family, but she has a job to do as well. She can’t wallow in what she lost, not right now. Right now, she has to get ready to leave the apartment and get to work.

3 weeks later

Emily’s head snaps up, searches for her pinging phone. It’s a new one and she’s still adjusting to it, but sure enough, there’s a familiar notification on the screen. A smile tugs at her lips as she swipes open to the online scrabble app she’d found. It’s part of her routine, part of settling in. Playing a familiar game with someone who knows where. All she knows is “cheetobreath” just hit a double word score and Emily’s next move needs to be a good one.

It’s not everything and it doesn’t soothe the ache in her chest much but its something. It’s a start, a new thing to fill her time while she traipses around the city conducting surveillance and working on her new job.

It’s a chance to adjust to her new life. No, the newest part of her life. This is her life.

If Emily’s learned one thing, it’s that her life cannot be cut and defined in pieces. Nothing is that clear-cut. Her life with Interpol bled into her life with the BAU and now that life permeates her life here in Paris. Lauren Reynolds, Emily Prentiss, any of the identities handed over to her three weeks ago…they’re all the same person. Her feelings from each part of her life, each iteration of her, stay with her. She knows that. She can’t cut herself off from them completely so she’s learning to live with them.

To live with the grief of losing six friends. Seven, she reminds herself. Ashley was part of the team too, long enough to make an impression and for Emily to miss her. So she acknowledges those feelings, doesn’t simply shove them in a box to forget about and never speak of again. She might be a compartmentalization queen but that does her no favors if she lets the grief and loss fester instead of dealing with it.

So she builds new routines, finds her new normal. Online scrabble finds its way into that new normal.

And if she has a constant partner named “cheetobreath,” well, that won’t hurt anyone.

Seven months later

It’s the one phone call that could make Emily drop everything and run, no matter the consequences. It’s the one reason why she’d return to the states now, seven months after her “death,” when she knows Doyle isn’t dead. That even though he truly thinks her dead this time, she’d be willing to blow that cover. The best cover in the world and she would willing reveal the lie to him for this one thing.

Something happened to Declan.

The moment she received Tom’s call she was in motion, grabbing her go-bag and tote before heading out of the office, using the other phone she has to book her ticket, filling in information from one her aliases that has become second nature to her. Tom tells her he’s flying back as well, but that she’d probably beat him to DC.

Her mind races at that, thinking about how to best find Declan and putting together a plan for when she lands. He’ll be okay. Doyle won’t be able to find him. Even if she had blown Declan’s cover months ago when she was bleeding out in Boston, she knows that finding him, that getting to him will be impossible. Louise is the only person in the states who can get Doyle out of school right now.

And then she lands and there’s a message on her phone from a name she hasn’t seen in months.

From Hotch: Doyle’s in custody at the BAU. It’s time.

And so she shifts, getting into a cab and heading to Quantico. It’s time, after seven months, to reclaim the one thing Ian Doyle took from her.

Her life.

Seven months ago, Ian Doyle killed Emily Prentiss and the woman who landed in Paris with JJ has spent those seven months hiding from him, from the people she knew, and running. She knows that in reality, Doyle had taken her way of life and she was very much so just a changed woman but going back to the BAU feels like a step in reclaiming her life. Like its time to stop running and time to start living again.

As the cab races down the highway and heads to Quantico, Emily is hit with a multitude of emotions. She’s excited to see the team again, her family again, but she knows it will all be different. It has to be. She’d died. There was a funeral. JJ and Hotch told her about it when they visited her at Bethesda to let her know the plan.

She’d come back one day but for now it was safest for everyone to think that she was dead. It’s the best cover and the best way to keep her safe until they find Doyle.

The team thought they were looking for her killer, to avenge her death. And now in 20 minutes she would walk into the conference room alive and well and show them that the last seven months have been a lie and they’ve been hunting down a criminal who hurt her, not someone who’d killed her.

She takes a shaky breath, calming her nerves. There’s so much happening, and it seems like it’s filling the void in her chest, but she knows it’s only temporary. The team will react in different ways and most likely avoid her until they believe she’s really back and alive. It might feel like her loneliness is subsiding, that she can once again chose to be alone instead of forced into isolation, but she knows it’s an illusion.

The loneliness will continue.

A month later

The loneliness does continue. But it also is alleviated a bit by Hotch and JJ. The two who knew the truth and can more easily accept her back into the fold. She finds herself spending more time with Hotch as time passes and she settles back into her life in Quantico.

It’s not the same, it’s not her old life, but it is her life again. She is Emily Prentiss, member of the BAU. And that feels right. This is her life, not running around Paris with a folder full of identities.

And Aaron helps her make the transition. She starts coming over for dinner again, seeking out companionship after seven months of loneliness. It allows her to see Jack for herself and yes, he cries and needs it explained that just because Emily came back it doesn’t mean Haley will. That had been a rough night for all involved. Emily ended up staying the night, all three of them cuddled up on Aaron’s bed, needing the reminder that sometimes people do come home.

It breaks her heart and Emily tried to spread that reminder more around the team. She gives Rossi advice, listens to Spencer, and goes through a recertification for Morgan. She does what she can, to remind them that she came home and she is here.

Aaron calls her out on it and knows that the transition back to her life can’t be easy. So he’s there for her. He keeps inviting her over for dinner, makes it an open one. She can take him up on it anytime she wants, no pressure. She draws back a little, clearly exhausted from trying to be there for everyone on the team and overextending herself, but he’s still there to make sure she goes home at a reasonable hour and eats and takes care of Sergio.

It isn’t everything, she’s still lonely but its better. The ache that had seemed to permanently settle in her chest is starting to heal. Aaron’s a constant and JJ too, always having her over and making sure she’s okay.

Slowly but surely, Emily goes from being lonely to choosing when she wants to be alone. That distinction is back in her life.

#criminal minds #emily prentiss #bau #aaron hotchner #jennifer jareau #jj #ian doyle #my writing #fic stuff #it hurts a bit but i was really excited to write this sooooooo sorry?

[ahtohallan-calling]

chapter 20 of love is the only thing we can carry with us (kristanna slowburn/angsty but cute/no magic au, rated t) is up!

next chapter // all chapters

 “You won’t get away with this.”

“Bold words for a dying girl from a dying kingdom.”

chapter 20: the first snows

She had endured the swathes of empty days spent in isolation, the screaming sorrow of grief in so many ways; even now the imminent prospect of her own death loomed in front of her, taunting her, but Anna saw those men facing Kristoff, blades at the ready, and thought so this is fear.

She wanted to run back to him, to cry out in warning, to do anything, but Hans’s hand was a vise grip on her wrist as he pulled her out of the ballroom, smiling all the way, and the partygoers, drunk on their fairytales, smiled back at him. What a beautiful couple, they tittered, so in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other.

Anna, the girl who had once wept over struggling seedlings, wanted to wrap her hands around his throat and squeeze.

Instead, she focused all her energy on staying upright, on not stumbling, on searching frantically through the crowds to see where he had gone, whether he was safe. Her head was pounding, aching so sharply tears were forming in the corners of her eyes. Her breath, already ragged from exertion, tore sharply from her chest, each inhalation a frantic gasp. 

Then all at once, they were past the doors, in the now-empty entry hall, and Hans shoved her back against a wall. Her head smacked against it, a singing pain erupting in her skull, but before she could cry out he flattened his hand across her mouth.

“I should have known you would try some foolish thing,” he hissed. 

Anna shook her head frantically under his grasp, and he lifted his hand. “I don’t know what he wanted,” she gasped out, eyes watering.

“Was he a stranger to you?”

“Yes.”

Hans only laughed. “You’re a terrible liar.”

He took her arm again then, twisting it behind her back, and propelled her towards the door. “I hope you took the time to say goodbye to your sister,” he murmured in her ear, his tone chillingly pleasant. “It’s time for us to go home.”

She tried to wriggle free of Hans’s grasp and was rewarded for her efforts with a sharp pinch. “What if I don’t want to marry you anymore?” she challenged.

“You wouldn’t do that to Arendelle, now, would you?”

“I don’t want to marry you anymore.”

Hans laughed mirthlessly. “Then your lover should have done a better job planning that little escape attempt.”

She tried to stamp down on the top of his foot, but he kicked her easily away. She had been weak even before he had taken her out of the ballroom, even before her eyes had met Kristoff’s, and Hans knew it, had felt the burn of the fever so many times over the last few days of dances and walks and dresses when he had taken every opportunity to kiss her cheek or take her hand and done nothing but smile and simper. She wondered then if that was the real reason for all of this, if suffering drew him in as a flame beckoned to a moth.

“Will they hurt him?”

“If he tried to follow, he’s already dead.”

Kristoff would always follow her.

Cold dread washed over her, a terrible, rushing wave of certainty that choked her, blinded her; her attempts to break loose from Hans’s grasp, already feeble, ceased entirely as she let him drag her outside towards the stables.

At first, she had thought he was just another fever dream when her eyes had landed on him across the ballroom; it wouldn’t be the first time in recent days that she had had such a vision. It wasn’t until she held his hand in her own that she had let herself believe it, had let herself be overcome with gratitude that by some miracle she was getting to see him one last time.

Now she wished he had never come at all, had forgotten her entirely; she wished she had never left the mountain, never gone to it in the first place, had died the moment she first fell ill all those years ago– anything that meant she had never brought this harm upon him.

She realized suddenly that they were already at the stables, that Hans had opened the door of his carriage and was trying to lift her in; how long had she been leaning on him, how heavily? She wished he had let her fall instead, let her sink into one of the rising snowbanks and stay. 

Anna raised a shaking arm and managed to pull herself up into the carriage, collapsing back against the seat. Hans followed immediately after, slamming the door shut behind him as the carriage took off. “Do I need to keep holding on to you, or have you learned your lesson?”

She was too exhausted to even turn and look at him. He curled his arm around her wrist anyway, clenching his fingers just because he could. “You won’t get away with this.”

“Bold words for a dying girl from a dying kingdom.”

Her head ached, the constant pounding of the last two weeks worsened by Hans’s rough treatment. The bright white of the flurrying snow only made it worse, but she stared anyway, willing it to worsen the pain until she was left unconscious. She wondered how much it would hurt to have a sword cut into her flesh, how much he would–

She turned suddenly back to Hans. “They wouldn’t kill him there. Not in the middle of a party.”

He laughed, genuinely amused this time. “No, they wouldn’t.”

“Why would you–”

“Because you make it so easy, dear.”

She curled her hands into fists, drawing up all the anger that she had in her, all the resentment left by old wounds of loneliness, the fury she had felt upon finding out the truth, the white-hot hatred that was boiling under her skin as he looked at her with those glittering green eyes.

“My name,” she spat, “is Anna,” and she threw herself forward as hard as she could, slamming her forehead into the bridge of his nose. He cried out and jerked backward, releasing her. Without a moment’s hesitation, she snapped the door of the carriage open and leaped out into the heart of the storm.

—

Kristoff turned back and met the eyes of the guards again, heart thundering in his chest, weighing his chances; would they really risk open combat in the middle of a ball? He was unarmed, knew little of how to use a weapon anyway, but despite his stature, he was fast, maybe even fast enough to–

He didn’t waste another moment considering. Another dance was beginning, setting the room back to whirling. He turned for the doors and ran. 

Sven had been tied up outside the kitchens; that was the only guidance he had as he charted a course throughout the lower halls of the castle. He darted around a corner, frightening a serving girl, but there was no time to stop and apologize. He could hear booted footsteps pounding behind him, giving chase. 

At last, he came to a set of double doors and burst through, vaulting over a table without bothering to slow down in his quest for the back door. Shouts rose around him, hands reached for the hem of his shirt, but still he didn’t slow, knowing that every second meant Anna was getting further away. 

She needs you.

He burst through the doors and into a maelstrom of snow. Sven was waiting, tied to a post, and Kristoff slowed only long enough to rifle through the saddlebag and yank out a knife and his traveling cloak. He slung the cloak over his shoulders and reached down to cut the rope free, leaping onto the reindeer’s back the moment it was done. “Come on, boy,” he panted, urging him forward, and they took off into the storm. 

She needs you, she needs you, she needs you–

He had no idea where Hans had taken her, only that they must be heading in the direction of the docks. His head swam with memories, trying to piece together a map of the city, but it was of little use; even if he had known it better, Arendelle was nearly unrecognizable in the midst of the snowstorm. He focused on sounds instead, trying to listen for the clattering of wheels against cobblestone, but the wail of the wind drowned out all other sound.

His heart was pounding; he couldn’t lose her again, not to Hans or the Southern Isles or to Arendelle, not even to–

“Anna!” he screamed then, her name tearing its way free from his throat, whipping away into the wind. “Anna!”

—

Anna threw her arms out wildly as she fell, instinctively hoping to catch herself. She landed hard on her right side, feeling her wrist take the brunt of the impact. It hurt, but then so did everything, and so she scrambled to her feet and ran.

She didn’t know if by leaping she had saved Arendelle or merely hastened its damnation; all she knew was the fire in her lungs, the ache in her head, the scream of snow scraping over her skin. Her skirts tangled around her ankles, already sodden, and she hoisted them up with her good hand, desperate to put as much distance as possible between herself and the carriage.

The snow was so thick in the air that she nearly ran into the side of a building; she pressed her bare hands against the brick, using it as a guide as she pressed forward, fingers scrabbling to find a sign, a nameplate, anything that might give her guidance. 

She heard him then, his voice the sound she knew more than all others, his frantic call rising over the wind. “Anna!” 

That can’t be right, he’s dead– but no, he wasn’t, Hans had said so, but Hans had also said he was, and her head ached too much to make sense of it. The call came again, louder this time, and she ran towards it, too afraid to reply; if Hans came back now, if her call led him this way–

She ran towards the voice, no longer relying on the building as a guide. I’m coming, she wanted to yell, wanted him to know that she would never turn away from him again, that doing so had been her greatest mistake, that if he would have her she would never again do anything but stay. Her heart railed against her chest, her breath coming in short, sharp gasps, her entire body rebelling against her, and still, she pressed on. 

His voice came again, closer this time. “Anna!”

“I’m here,” she gasped, praying that Hans was no longer close enough to hear. The world, still a sea of white, was starting to turn gray around the edges, and she knew she was running out of time.

“Anna!”

“I’m here,” she called, louder now, the words turning into a sob as she stumbled forward, her knees giving way beneath her. “I’m here, Kristoff, please–”

All at once he was there, emerging from the storm like sunlight bursting through a cloud. And then she was in his arms, cradled against his chest as he lifted her from the ground as if she were lighter than even the first wisps of snow. He settled onto Sven, and she cried out as the movement jostled her injured wrist. 

“What did he do?” Kristoff asked her, his eyes wild with terror.

The gray was black now, eating away at the edges of her sight; there was a roaring in her ears, louder than even the storm. “I love you,” she gasped through chattering teeth, terrified that after all this time he might have forgotten. 

“You’re going to be okay,” he promised, nudging Sven to move forward. “You’re going to be okay, Anna, can you hear me? Anna!”

I love you, she tried to tell him again, but already it was too late.

—

Anna’s head lolled against his shoulder, all the lines in her body going slack, and he fought to suppress a scream as they pressed forward, back into the storm. His eyes had adjusted somewhat to the blinding whiteness, just enough that he could make out the bridge. “That way, Sven,” he called, steering the reindeer as best he could with shaking hands.

Kristoff reached up and yanked his cloak free from his shoulders, clumsily draping it over Anna. Even in unconsciousness, she was trembling against him, her skin ice-cold even as her cheeks were flushed red with fever. “Don’t leave me again, Anna,” he begged, knowing she couldn’t hear. “Please.”

The journey back to the castle couldn’t have taken long, even in the storm, but each passing second sent a jolt of fear down Kristoff’s spine; Anna’s breaths were only growing shallower, her skin growing colder. At last they reached the doors of the castle and he slid down, still holding tight to Anna’s limp frame. Even in her gown, she was so small, so light in his arms; what would have happened if he hadn’t come tonight, if he hadn’t found her in the storm, if–

He shouldered his way through the doors, shoving the thoughts away with it. “Help!” he called, his voice hoarse. “I need a doctor!” A servant came running, skidding around the corner. “The princess!”

“Help,” Kristoff panted, moving towards the stairs. 

A small crowd was already forming, pouring out from the ballroom. Fury filled the places in him that weren’t already sodden with grief; had they even noticed she was gone? He pushed his way past them, pounding up the stairs; surely her rooms were on the same hall as Elsa’s, surely a doctor would come–

A hand touched his shoulder, and he jerked away on instinct. “Easy,” the voice instructed, and he looked down to see a small man. “I’m the doctor, I–”

“Show me where to take her.”

He did, a few members of the crowd joining them. Kristoff didn’t care; there was no time to waste on sorting out who was of use and who wasn’t. The man led him to an oaken door and swung it open. Kristoff went inside, going immediately to the bed and laying Anna on it. For a moment he froze, unable to understand how she could look so small, so still and pitiful lying there on the bed when only an hour ago she had been in his arms, had taken his hand in her own, had given him hope that maybe–

A hand was on his chest then, and he stumbled backward, eyes still focused on Anna. “You need to leave,” said a stern voice, and he shook his head, slow and stunned.

“No– no, she needs me–”

There were guards now, this time in Arendellian clothes, and one of them was glaring at him, ready to use force if necessary. He looked down and saw the doctor was the one pressing him out of the room, pushing him back. “You have to leave, sir, I appreciate what you did, but–”

Kristoff tried to step around him, but the guard was at his elbow then, pulling him back.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor said, and Kristoff began to shake.

“She needs me, you bastard!”

The guard shoved him back out of the room then; when Kristoff tried to lunge forward again, he stood his ground, filling the doorway. “Leave. You’re no help to her.”

“But–”

The guard eyed his now-ragged clothes and snorted. “What does a man from the mountains know about caring for a princess?” 

The door slammed shut.

#I PROMISE I'LL FIX IT SOMEDAY #my fics #litotwccwu #cw: chronic illness #cw: violence

[saphyhowl]

Alice returns

Careful it’s angsty, dunno if it’s a well written angst, but I prefer warning you that it can surely be triggering to very triggering for some people. 

I wrote this related to @aikurone‘s comment on a request I did for her, here. I replaced reincarnation with Alice just randomly reappearing and being amnesiac, I hope that’s okay :3

I hope you will like it :D, tell me if there is something off or a scandalous typo.

Lancelot~

The King of hearts, the beast without a heart, was slowly dying from a broken heart. The strongest magic in this world had cursed him and destroyed him.

His mind and body were in distress. Alice had come back; the miracle he had longed for had happened. Her reappearance was the answer to his endless prayers. But this miracle cost him everything.

As Alice was back, amnesiac and lost, the Black Army took her in. She preferred their company and especially Sirius’.

Lancelot had tolerated this, in hopes of her gaining back her memories. But what he could not accept, was the way her eyes longingly followed Sirius, how her hand would so easily slide on Sirius' arm.

With each inch Alice grew closer to Sirius, it cut more and more of Lancelot's heart, shredding it to pieces. Lancelot had tried to talk to Alice, to reconquer her, as Jonah had suggested.

But Lancelot felt he was facing a challenge. Would he still be loveable, after he had gone through so much? Would she see in him what she used to see before she left? Would they both be up for tears and arguments to finally find they way towards each other? Did they really have what it took to spark the love between them? Lancelot had become more of beast and Alice had no memory of their love.

If she stayed with the Black Army and with Sirius, it would be less troublesome and heartwrenching for her. Letting her go for good now would mean Lancelot had to sacrifice the little bit of hope he had hurried in his heart. He would have to love her from afar. And so he did. Lancelot never left the Red Headquarters and slowly slid into depression and loneliness. But he loved her, he loved her until the very end.

Jonah~

He had come back for Luka's birthday. He did not know about Alice's reappearance, neither that she was amnesiac. He came back to Cradle to pay Luka a visit on his birthday. When he spotted Luka in the crowd, his heart leapt. Despite his constant mourning state, he still was able to love his brother as much as before. Jonah tried to turn his sorrow into dedication; he tried to honour Alice's memory and make sure Luka would receive regular news from him.

Jonah was on his way towards Luka when he spotted a familiar figure next to Luka. His heart stopped, he knew that hair, that silhouette and that face as well. Alice was there in flesh and blood. Jonah's mind was swirling with questions but his heart got the better of him. He quickened his pace towards them. But when he heard Alice laugh and tease Luka a little, just like she used to do with him, Jonah felt odd.

When he finally met with Luka and Alice, his beloved Alice tilted her head and asked politely who Jonah was to Luka. Jonah's heart broke in two. It twisted and ached when he saw Alice slide her arm with Luka's to seek comfort and security. Jonah looked at Alice's face unable to speak, how could he explain to her who he was, what they were? Luka clarified the situation for both Alice and Jonah.

The elder Clemence brother never thought he would hurt more. Alice had forgotten him, every sweet loving memory of them was gone, erased. She did not know him, while he had her carved in his mind, heart and soul. He dedicated each day to love her as if she had never left and now all his actions meant nothing.

Worse, Alice seemed to cling to Luka, like a lost puppy. She used to hold Jonah’s arm like this. She used to tease him until he blushed and surrendered to her. He used to pour her love on him like holy water. They used to be inseparable and now worlds held them apart.

Jonah managed to shuffle out some of his belongings. He was in such haze that when he gave Luka his present, he also gave him his travel journal. Jonah left without a word and even if Luka tried to catch up to him, Jonah had vanished into the crowd.

Later, Luka curiously looked at Jonah's travel journal. His older brother's hand writing was neat and elegant. The journal was written in form of short letters addressed to Alice. On some of the pages, traces of tears made the paper wrinkled. Luka's heart throbbed. How he wished he could have changed fate for his brother.

Somewhere deep in an unknown forest, Jonah rested under a tree, still panting. He had run away from Cradle for good, he would never come back, that he knew.

He did not have the strength to start all over with Alice, not when it meant destroying the supposedly blooming love between Alice and his brother. He loved Alice, there was no doubt about that and ironically he could not hate the two people he loved most. His heart ached so much he could have pull it out of his chest.

Jonah rested under that tree. Night passed and dawn slowly crept on the forest. Perfect time for a little dip in the lake, right? Nothing better than the cold water of the lake to freshen up.

Jonah entered the lake still with his clothes on. The water temperature did not bother him, in fact he had become numb. He did not hear the chirping of the birds, the soothing rhythm of water nor the sound of the wind rustling the leaves.

There was no expression on Jonah's face as he went deeper in the water. A memory of his childhood came back to him. Luka and him used to be convinced there were mystical creatures living in the lakes and seas. They had planned one day to visit them. Jonah also remembered how he loved to share his childhood memories with Alice.

The water was now covering his whole body up until his chin. Jonah dove his head in the water he was now fully immersed in the lake. He closed his eyes and thought of all the moments spent with Alice: the good ones, the romantic ones, the funny moments, the fights and intimate moments. How he wished he could live in those memories forever...

Edgar~

In the end, fate was cruel, thought Edgar.

When Alice reappeared again, amnesiac and sought shelter at the Black Army HQ, Edgar hesitated to approach her. A tiny voice whispered to him, hopeful, that maybe fate had given him a second chance. Now that he had decided to walk a different path, the path of light Alice had showed him before she died, there might be a second chance for their relationship. Maybe that way their love wouldn't be burdened by his past mistakes. Fate was fair and generous.

But fate had decided differently. Yes, Alice did not remember Edgar, his past, his crimes and nor did she knew the taste of his love, but her pure heart found itself attracted to someone else than Edgar.

The Jack of hearts had noticed how she leisurely rediscovered Cradle with Fenrir. An aura of protection and mutual care was wrapped around Alice and Fenrir. They lived in a happy bubble. Edgar was torn between bursting it and pull Alice away or leave them bask in this blooming love.

Alice deserved to be loved, supported and protected. She deserved all the good Cradle could offer. Edgar would have showered her with love and presents and his undying attention. But whenever he was about to approach her, he smelled the blood on his hands and the weight of his past.

Even if Alice had forgotten about her relationship with Edgar, he struggled to approach her. She shun to bright for him and he feared he would stain and hurt her again.

"Let her be~" whispered a voice in his head.

And so Edgar let her go. But even if he hurt, he did not want to erase his bittersweet memories of his past love. He wanted to be the best version of himself, even if Alice was not "there" or aware of his change. Edgar relied on Jonah, Kyle, Zero and Lancelot to help him stay on the right path, the one Alice had guided him to.

Zero~

Ever since Alice had died, Zero would be mainly functional. He would fulfil his duty and them crawl back into isolation. But when Edgar brought the news of her miraculous reappearance, Zero melted.

All the pain and ache came washing over him, these was beyond his imagination, beyond his most crazy dream. Zero felt releaved, free from the burden of mourning. He was reborn, almost like Alice. Almost, yes, because he still remembered her, he still loved her, while Alice's memories were gone.

But Zero did not let himself be defeated. It was just a question of time until she recovered from her amnesia. Zero would do everything in his power to spend time with her. He would be unusually talkative, hope would make him open up and step out of his comfort zone. Alice would listen carefully. Every time they met, she would be polite and gentle but nothing more. Zero was helpless when it came to love, it was already a wonder that he met Alice and they became a couple. He never believed he would be given the chance to lead such a love filled life and now he even had a second chance at that with the same person.

However, Alice's feelings towards Zero never evolved, no spark, nor regain of memory. Worse, she brought along Seth. Bubbly, loveable and sociable Seth. No awkwardness between him and Alice. Seth was perfect, Seth and Alice were perfect together.

The more she brought Seth along, the more Zero was aware of his imperfections. By the end of the day, Zero could list all the things he was bad at and all the things Seth did or said perfectly. Alice echoed with Seth, she was dazzling, beautiful. She could talk for hours with Seth while with Zero she would always search for words and try to fill the void.

Zero was no match, he was worth nothing. Zero worth.

So, Zero would crawl back to his room, the loneliness crushing him. Every night he would cry and feel miserable. No amount of advice from Edgsr or Jonah would help him regain that feeling of worth he had finally found back then when he was with Alice.

But she did not know him anymore, she had forgotten how much she had given him. Zero was now worse than when he first met her. He did not have the strength to seek help, so he let himself fall, with no hope of being saved by anyone.

Kyle~

How on earth did it come to this? How twisted was life to pull such a cruel prank on him?

Kyle was on the brink of madness when he learned that Alice had mysteriously reappeared. He felt the urge to run towards her, to hug her and then he heard the last bit of news: Alice suffered from amnesia.

Kyle knew that amnesia could be cured, so to say. Her memory could be triggered. However, whenever he tried to bring her to places they both used to love, Alice's expression remained blank. After countless times, Kyle decided to let her be for a while. Spending time at the Black Army would be exciting for her, Kyle knew that Sirius would keep an eye on her.

Kyle did not imagine that her stay at the Black Army's HQ would be the death of him. She met Ray. He liked books and cats, he was calm and brave. Alice grew closer to him, she did not feel as lost as when she was with Kyle. Ray did not pressure her to regain her memories. He was more focused on the present and that soothed her.

When Kyle came to visit her, he could not find her anywhere. He asked around and some soldier told him that as it was Ray's day off, Alice and he had decided to do a reading marathon.

Kyle still looked for them and when he found them his heart broke in two. Ray and Alice were talking passionately about the book they had just finished. Alice's eyes were sparkling with excitement. Then she rested her head on Ray's shoulder to start reading her next book.

Kyle punched the wall in anger and ran away, not caring if they heard him.

Ray was deductive enough to know Kyle must have seen him and Alice. The King of spades encouraged Alice to seek out Kyle and talk with him. Some soldiers saw him heading towards the pub. Kyle had avoided this place after Alice's death. Now, he needed to drown himself in alcohol, to forget how much he was hurting inside.

Alice finally found Kyle. He was already well drunk when she sat across him. The silence between them was awkward.

Kyle took her hands in his.

"If only you could remember, even just half of it, then I could... We could... be happy again~"

Alice stayed with him, she held his hands. She made sure he got home safely. Her eyes were full of pity. But there was no love, Kyle knew that much. Their love was forever buried in her grave with no chance of redemption.

#ikemen revolution #ikerev #ikerev jonah #ikerev lancelot #ikerev edgar #ikerev zero #ikerev kyle #ikerev ray #ikerev fenrir #ikerev luka #ikerev seth #ikerev sirius #jonah clemence #lancelot kingsley #edgar bright #kyle ash #luka clemence #sirius oswald #ray blackwell #seth hyde #fenrir godspeed #angst

[dehvastation]

Disobeying Orders, Making Friends

Tori: +Once more she found herself out in the night. Blue hair tied back and out of her face as she shrugs into the oversized hooded sweater. Tonight was all about comfort. Keeping her bag with her sketchbook and wallet in it secured to her side she decided to do the food thing. A little diner that catered to the 24/7 crowd was her destination. But not before she stopped in her garage to grab the commissions. Securing the paintings for delivery she heads out at a brisk walking pace. The cool of the evening soothing to her frazzled nerves. She would once more need to hunt. But her thirst was under control at the moment so she would be ok. 

  Walking the couple miles to the diner was always fun. The deserted night perfect for her to meander. Because she was carrying merchandise she hurried her pace a bit. Not enough to actually make her breath catch, but just enough that it was clear it wasn’t a stroll in the early morning hours. As she walked she quietly let’s her mind wander. Eyes of light blue heavenward, the stars were lovely and bright almost ethereal in their look. She idly wondered what it would be like to believe in the stars. To be human and unaware of the danger all around them. To be lost in the stars, believing in angels and heaven. Shaking her head to clear it of its thoughts a small contented smile lit her face. Her fangs just barely peeking out of pale pink lips. 

  She hadn’t bothered with makeup. Not tonight, she wasn’t out to impress anyone. No, she was just delivering the paintings for the diner and partaking in a late meal. Something that would settle her stomach and wasn’t blood. Even if the want of the stuff was there. She could technically go another two nights before things got dicey. And because of her aversion to all things hurting humans. She knew what her limit was having pushed herself to that point a few times in the last few months. 

  Entering a better lit area she walks past the storefronts. Pausing every so often to check her reflection. She wasn’t what she viewed as a classic beauty, rather her looks were average. Her hair and eyes being the focal point. Always a different shade of blue. Her hoodie was black and huge, stolen from one of her male friends from before the change. Her jeans also black cling to her body. Giving her definition and the blue runners completed the relaxed look. All in all she looked like a college kid with a package. Unassuming and easily forgettable. Which is exactly what she wanted.+

Dehv: ~ I still wasn’t able to see as much as I’d like to, but I could see enough to get out of my place and take a walk. Maybe even grab something to eat and a nice coffee to cheer up my sour mood. Qhuinn had been pulled into patrol that night and that meant that I got to tie up loose ends with my business and set up some new clients for the coming months. It also meant that I was trailing around like a lovesick puppy and it was fucking annoying me. So instead of stew a minute longer, I was going to go and get a good meal, with some kind of horribly chocolaty dessert and then crack on with plans for the upcoming months. Well, plan the best I could with not having any kind of rota for patrol for another week or two at least. I pushed away from my desk and locked up everything so that it wasn’t easily accessible in case there was ever a break in. Unlikely with Vishous’ various safeguards, but I would prefer to be safe than sorry. Then I went upstairs to my sanctuary. It was small enough to feel lived in being there on my own, but big enough to host people should anyone need a room or came to visit. Rarely happened, and Qhuinn didn’t need his own room. I loved it though. A kitchen fully stocked for when I had time to indulge my chef side. Plus a sofa more then long enough for me to lie out on, or for both me and Qhuinn to occupy at the same time while watching whatever TV show or film we’d gotten addicted to that month. The colours were warm, and hopefully inviting. I’d never heard anyone complain. It was a little eclectic, but I liked it. Best thing though, I knew it by heart, so I didn’t have to see anything. Which was great with my eyesight still phasing in and out and the constant unfocused quality to them that meant I couldn’t really focus on anything yet.

I grabbed my boots, phone, keys and coat before heading back downstairs again. I laced the boots as quickly as I could and then pulled on the light coat, tugging the door closed behind me. It locked automatically and I used the app on my phone to get the security set up properly before I started down the street. It wasn’t busy, and I found that I could let my mind wander without paying attention to where I was going. Autopilot allowing my eyes to glaze over while I walked. It was a nice break for them, as I spent most days forcing them to work well past what they should be at this stage of healing. I just knew they were improving day by day, kind of, and that was enough to know that I was doing the right things, even if I still wasn’t fit to fight properly and was stuck on a go slow when it came to training. I had to roll out my shoulders to dispel the tension at that thought, and was happy to see the lights beckoning me in to the warm interior of one of my favourite 24/7 cafes. “Evening.” I smiled at whoever was behind the counter. Unable to make them out properly until I got closer. I kept smiling anyway, since I knew all the staff in here. I kept moving, hoping that soon enough their face would come into view and I’d be able to be polite before finding a quiet booth to sit in. ~

Tori: +Passing one last window front she pauses to critically look at herself. The hoodie obscuring the fact that she was underweight. It had been over a week since she’d eaten food. Well more than a handful of crackers she’d managed to stomach. She hadn’t felt like eating. Shrugging and adjusting the package she continues on until she came to the diner. Slipping through the door she takes a moment to look around. Noting few people before her attention was pulled to the counter. 

“Where you been kid? We missed you. You finished them?” She offers a smile and a nod before handing the paintings off. “Hey, haven’t felt like coming out.” Her own words tinged with amusement before she waves to the others. She wasn’t about to dwell on the panic and the fear that kept her hidden. The loneliness of having no family to support her. Turning to continue her conversation with the staff who had approached her in greeting. Taking the moment to be there and present before their duties called them back. 

Once they were through she made her way over to the booth closest to the man who had caught her attention when she walked into the diner. Sliding into the booth and closing her eyes as a wave of hunger swept through her. Once the bloodlust had passed she opens her eyes again. Her gaze on the stranger. Fingers twitching unseen as she fought down the urge to sketch him. It would be rude to do so without permission. Plus he gave off a slightly more.. well more in his aura. She couldn’t quite identify it. He didn’t seem to be dangerous, but she was hyper aware of him her senses were stretched as she studied him. Was he like her? Like her cousin? Perhaps. 

Looking down once more she grabs her sketchbook and pencils, opening it to a blank page and staring down at it. She shouldn’t have come out, it was a mistake. But she was here and she would in turn force down some food. Perhaps her body would stop fighting her then. But first, coffee. +

Dehv: ~ I recognised the female at long last and exhaled a breath, “Evening Charlotte, I am still healing, so my vision is a little shot. Apologies for taking so long to recognise you.” I shook off the sympathetic words and questions of what had happened. Just shrugging and saying it was a freak accident, my own fault, and that it would heal up soon enough I’d been assured. I just needed to keep my energy levels up, feed well and lots of liquids. Of course the blood diet I was also on wasn’t at all what I was talking about. I took a menu when it was offered and then moved to a booth where I could sit with my eyes on the door, and my back to a sturdy wall. Not that I could really make out much of the door, but I was trained well for these things. And now not being able to see all that clearly really impacted my ability to get by in a fight. So I hoped tonight was quiet and uneventful. At least Qhuinn wasn’t with me, or we’d have been guaranteed to be ambushed on the way home. I tried to look over the menu, and when I looked up I noticed another of my kind enter, mostly by scent, and then move to sit nearby. I’d have smiled if I had managed to figure out if she was looking at me. As it was she sat and my server popped up before I had a chance to really connect. “Could I please have a coffee and…um…so many choices.” Charlotte laughed and pointed at a few things on the counter, talking me through the various sweet treats that were still on offer for the night. I was quick to decide on pancakes with syrup and then some lemon tart after that. I didn’t always have a sweet tooth, and would have gone for a full meal. But I wasn’t all that hungry and I just fancied something specific. I waved Charlotte off and then stood to place the menu back on the counter. As I did I noticed that the female that had come in was paused over a book I recognised, I smiled. At war with myself about making myself known. I moved back to sit at my booth and hoped that I’d seem less intimidating if I was sitting than if I towered over her where she had little chance of escape. “Hey there. Are you an artist?” I nodded towards what she had in her hands and then looked back up towards her face, smiling openly in the hopes that she could read people even just a little. I got the impression that she needed a good meal, and not just of the food this diner provided. Though that wasn’t my place to speak. I’d offer advice when asked, I wouldn’t accuse or judge. I remembered being out of my depth, and it was hard to find what you needed in a society that seemed to turn its nose up at everyone who wasn’t mated by the time they went through their transition. I waited patiently, turning away briefly to thank Charlotte for my coffee and ask for more sugar than the two sachets that they provided. When I looked back, I smiled again, eager to know if I’d found a like minded individual randomly at my favourite cafe. ~

Tori: + She was acutely aware of his movements. It wasn’t intentional, rather a survival tool she’d had to use in the past. Glancing up she watches him stand kinda surprised at how tall he was and making another note that he filled the space. She wished she had that kind of presence. Men would leave her alone then. 

Glancing down at her sketchbook she was caught off guard when he spoke. Looking up once more and looking around to see if he was addressing anyone else. She knew on a more unconscious level that she was the only one close enough but she still needed to check. 

Clearing her throat nervously she looks to the side as Charlotte brought her own coffee. Thanking her softly before she focused on him once more. 

“Apologies, yes I guess I am an artist. It’s.. a hobby. Not the career I chose. And yet I seem to find myself sketching more than interacting.” She offers her own smile. Trying not to be awkward. No one had covered social niceties after transition. Hopefully he wouldn’t think her too weird.

It wasn’t his fault, that she was so nervous, uncertain. He certainly had done nothing but start a general conversation. One that she could easily talk about if she hadn’t been so jumpy or awkward. 

“Do you… is art a hobby of yours?” Well that could have been phrased better. She glances over as another one of the staff approaches her table. Speaking softly to her. Nodding once and ordering toast and more coffee she waits until they were away before she leans forward slightly. Interested in his potential answer.

He had purposely sat in such a way as to not intimidate her. She wondered why that was, for a brief moment anyway. First she wanted to know who he was, why he was here. Unless of course this was a usual place for him. Confusion crosses her face as she tried to remember if vampires were territorial. Was she in his territory? Would he tell her to get lost?

She drops his gaze. Focusing on the table as she tries to still her now racing heart. The last thing she wanted was to insult someone. It would be unbecoming of her.+

Dehv: ~ I started to answer questions when Charlotte moved over and offered up a coffee to the female. I smiled at her and blinked again. My eyes were still drier than they normally were, and while I could see in focus more and more, I was still struggling to do so for lengths of time. Qhuinn was being amazing about the flickering in and out. I’d wake up blind still some mornings, and then it’d come back as the day went on, sometimes it went the other way. The Doc was intrigued as it wasn’t often there was sunlight damage, so the actual effects were pretty unknown. I was over it, and yet here I was starting a random conversation with a female who looked like she wanted to melt into the table rather than talk. Maybe. Well, she seemed ok talking. Little awkward, but I was the same at times. But something changed between her answering me, ordering food and offering up a question of her own. I couldn’t really tell what. Why wasn’t someone here who could read people, I wasn’t awful at it, but normally I was doing it through a screen so it was a little easier. 

Instead of moving closer, which I sort of thought would be the wrong more. I smiled and picked up my coffee cup, trying to appear as approachable as possible. Because that’s totally what I serial killer wouldn’t do! “Um, yes and no. I started a small business years ago and it’s grown. I can now basically draw doodles day in and day out if I want. But I love designing, well, pretty much everything. Buildings, parks, boats. I love the raw structures that show through on the outside, and then the way you can make it totally different on the inside should you wish. That you can make the most uncomfortable of professions feel more inviting and calming if you really think about what you’re doing. I haven’t ever got the hang of drawing people though. I wish I could, and maybe that should be something that I could work on. If I wasn’t busy training every minute of the night I have free.” I chuckled and rolled my eyes playfully. Hoping that I could catch the female when when she was looking up so she could see my tease.

I then jerked slightly as I realised I was a dumbass. “I’m so sorry, I’ve Dehvastation by the way, but please just call me Dehv.” I reached between the two booths to offer my hand to the female. Nodding and smiling as my food arrived at the same time as the toast. I cleared my throat again and looked around. “I’m not being rude, and please ignore me if I am jumping to conclusions, but you look a little like I must have years ago when I first wandered into an unknown town. Would you like to join me and I’ll do my best to help? I don’t know as much as some.” I lowered my voice a little so Charlotte didn’t overhear, “I was raised in the human world.” I nodded and smiled again, “But I know more now, and I’m willing to share. But again, don’t feel you have to. I can just go back to my overly unhealthy snack and leave you to it as well.” ~

Tori: “it’s nice to meet you Dehv I’m Tori” +manners. Manners were important. Taking his hand in hers she noted the rough feel of the hand. It soothes her, irrational but rougher hands meant hard work. She also filed the training bit in the back of her mind. It meant nothing to her at this moment. Making a decision she gathers her things and her food and moves to join him. Sliding to sit across from him. 

“It’s.. you’re an architect then? Sorry, I seem to have forgotten how to hold a civil conversation. When I get annoying you can tell me to bugger off.” She partially teases. Still nervous but doing slightly better. He had offered to help, which she thought was genuine. Hoped was genuine, last thing she wanted or needed was more trouble.

“I transitioned only a few months ago. Art has grounded me. It’s sometimes nice to just draw and see what happens. Give Charlotte and the gang a couple days and some of my artwork will be hanging here.” It was an odd thought, people wanting to display her stuff. A shake of her head focuses her once more. “I have a ton of questions. Are you sure you want to answer them?” She had to be sure, otherwise they could be here till almost sun up. And with her using the shoelace express she needed to be home at a reasonable time. 

Now closer she took time to look him over. In awe of his body size. She’d never seen anyone who looked like him. Her father and Leif were smaller, shorter. She wondered if he was mated. Not because she was looking but someone that good looking.. well it would be criminal if he was still single. Again she pulls her attention back to the present. Offering a grin as she awaited his answer.+

Dehv: ~ I smiled at the female, Tori, and shook her hand. I found myself smiling wider when she obviously made the decision to trust me a little and move over to my booth. I should have asked to join her, save her the trouble of moving the coffee, plate as well as her drawing things. But I was still glad that she was moving and I hadn’t scared her off. Frankie would be so proud of me, and Qhuinn would be rolling his eyes at my ability to talk to randoms. I chuckled at the next words out of her mouth and shook my head. “No need to be sorry. If a random stranger started talking to me, it’d take me a minute to catch up. I am an architect, among other things. The business has been going a long time, so I get to dabble in other areas since we’ve branched out. It’s quite fun.” I grinned and used the side of my fork to cut into one of the pancakes. Stabbing the resulting sliver so I could eat without needing lots of time to chew before speaking again. I really didn’t want Tori to feel intimidated or like she had to fill silence if I could help it. 

I felt my brow rise in surprise when she mentioned her art work being displayed in the cafe and I naturally leaned forward to hear, and try to see, more. “That’s amazing. I have seen some works here before, sculptures and paintings etc. But I wasn’t ever sure whether they were local artists or just pieces the owners had seen and liked over the years. I will look forward to seeing your work in here. Might even purchase some of it to put in my office if it strikes me.” I knew she’d understand what I meant. A painting or artwork spoke to the person who was meant to own it. Invoked a reaction that drew them in every time they looked at the piece. I had no doubt something would do that for me, but I wasn’t about to commit until I’d seen them.

I had to laugh when she checked with me again on the questions. I’d done the same with everyone I’d come into contact with when I’d first asked every question under the sun. Then found out things I didn’t even know I needed to know. Frankie had been a godsend, not to mention Phury and the rest of the Brothers, and then Qhuinn came along and introduced me to not only my own kind, but also a million other races of demon, vampire and monster. The whole thing still blew my mind a little. In answer to the female I shook my head and finished another mouthful of my pancake. “I honestly don’t mind at all. You can ask me anything you want and I’ll answer the best I can. If I can’t answer for whatever reason, I’ll let you know that. I’ll give you my card as well so that you can contact me if you have any questions after today too. So the floor is yours.” I grinned widely and gestured dramatically with my hand across the table as if I were introducing the female to an audience. I hoped she’d take my humour as a way to calm any nerves. I was happy to answer what I knew, and find out anything I didn’t. ~

Tori: +she laughs, shaking her head at his antics. Really he didn’t have to do that but she appreciated it none the less. 

“I do commissions. And I’m really surprised they wanted some but Charlotte and the others seem to like what I do. It’s a mixture of people and landscape. Here.” She flips to her latest sketch. Two pages back. Her family on full moon nights when she was a child. “It’s a work in progress but this should give you an idea.” It was odd that she so willingly shared her work but at the same time she hadn’t been able to show anyone in months. 

Nibbling on her toast she tries to get her thoughts on some semblance of order. It was hard to do, not because she had too many questions but because she didn’t know where to start. “I’m not.. intruding on anyone’s territory right?” The question asked quietly so as not to arouse suspicion. It was one of the few things she remembered her father saying. She couldn’t tell anyone what she was.

Finishing her toast she leans back in the booth. Giving herself a moment to be. “Are there rules? Things that are ultra important to know.. other then the obvious I mean” She felt dumb asking but she’d get more specific as time went on. This was easy, and he’d mentioned giving her his card so she could contact him if she needed to. She didn’t have a cellphone yet. Couldn’t afford one, so hopefully he was good with landline phones. It came with the house and she rarely If ever used it. But she knew she would be talking to him. He seemed so genuine.+

Dehv: ~ I smiled and then leaned forward to try and focus in on the sketches in the book. I could see that it was beautiful, but otherwise I wasn’t able to make out much of the detail. I smiled anyway and figured I’d offer up an explanation when the first question asked threw me through a loop. Territory. I blinked a couple of times and started shaking my head before I even knew what was happening. “No, no of course not. There’s no territory. I mean, I’d not go walking into someone’s house uninvited, but that’s just common courtesy.” I chuckled and gestured around us, “The Brotherhood patrol this area, and they try to keep everyone safe. But there’s a lot of civilians, and there’s a lot of the enemy as well.” I took another few bites of my pancakes, letting them soak in the syrup before enjoying the sugar bomb. 

I swallowed hard and remembered back to my lack of knowledge, and how I’d been lucky to find some of my own kind of help me through my transition and then help me navigate the world a little. But it wasn’t until I’d hunted down Phury that I really started getting answers. I licked at my lips and leaned back, wondering where I should even start. Was there specific things that were more important than others? I figured I’d start with something more recent and then see if she could narrow down my education parameters. “So, ok. That’s a huge topic. I’ll tell you a little about me, since you’re stuck with me, and then maybe that will give you time to have something specific for me to start. If I start from how I understand it and move on, I might miss things, or tell you things that aren’t in any way relevant. I train with the Brotherhood. They’ve started the trainee programme, before that it was just certain bloodlines and things. I think. Don’t quote me on this.” I laughed and shook my head. “I was injured recently, which is why I know your drawings are beautiful, but I can’t really see them, or you as you can see me. So I’m sorry about the blank looks or over compensation. The rules run about as you’d expect in terms of respect and things. I can’t really stress enough about feeding though. There’s the elite, the glymera, they have a few ideas on what is proper and tend to get a little nasty when you don’t fit into their circles. As a civilian, you’re likely to hear of them or run into them in your travels. After transition they’re big on being mated soon after for feeding purposes. Or so I found. But many in lower classes don’t, can’t or won’t.” I inhaled slowly and then reached into my coat pocket to get my wallet, the card in the side held my phone number, name and business name. I quickly scribbled my address on the back. “This is for you just before I forget. Feel free to pop in when the office is open, or phone first if it’s outside business times. I’ve got a landline and a mobile there, though the landline will probably take you straight to my answer machine, I will get back to you.” I grinned and nodded again. “So, any specific questions I can answer for you? I don’t want to waffle.” ~

Tori: +She nods slowly. Listening intently as he speaks. Putting the sketch book away. “I’ll show you these when your eyesight is better. And I do feed. Three sometimes four times a week on humans because I don’t..” She glances down a moment. Struggling to find the words she needed. Taking his business card and tucking it away. “My parents died about a month before I transitioned. My cousin.. he helped me through it but he.. one day he never came back. I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to do. I moved here because it’s supposed to be safer, but I have very little clue who the Brotherhood are. Or the Glymera. I know mahman mentioned them but I can’t recall exactly when. I’m used to not fitting in. It’s sorta my thing.” 

She pauses and nods as Charlotte brings more coffee. Thanking her softly. Her attention back on Dehv. “You mentioned training. You fight then?” Safe ish topic, she’d ask more in a moment. Once she’s wrapped the rest of what he had said around her brain. 

“You mentioned f.feeding. Is there a safe place to do that? From someone other then.. because I really hate feeding from humans. I went to school to be a nurse, and it goes against my oath but the bloodlust is ridiculous and I just realized that I’m rambling I’ll shut up now.” Her jaw clicks shut with an audible snap as she regains her normal breathing pattern. The rushed breath of her last statement leaving her anxious, afraid of his response almost. 

She couldn’t help the smirk when he spoke about common courtesy. “Well no, I’d expect not but I was actually serious. Anything I’ve read about our kind I take with a grain of salt but some of it has to be based on fact. Hence that question.” +

Dehv: ~ I grinned widely and looked up to the female’s face. “I really am interested. Once I’m back to 100% I’ll be taking you up on seeing those sketches, AND insisting you give me some instruction on how you sketch the people. I just can’t seem to get them right.” I chuckled and shook my head. My fingers drawing imaginary images in front of me as I speak. Showing that I wasn’t exactly an expert at the whole face recreation. I could do incredibly close up, or I could do more abstract. But once you get me to try and do a nice little family portrait, I struggled more than I’d like to admit. I also just really liked learning new techniques and how others saw the world. Seeing the transition from real life to paper, or mind to paper always drew my interest. 

I had no clue myself really when I moved here. I knew nothing at all, and I’ve learned a lot since. The Brotherhood are working really hard to protect our race against lessers. They’re a whole other level of brute.” I laughed and shook my head. “They’re all honourable, they fight every night to ensure some kind of safe passage for our kind. Caldwell isn’t without its problems, but we’re all working together the best we can. They’ve got a trainee programme so that civilians like you and I can train to fight should we wish. That’s pretty new. The glymera have a lot of outdated ideas from what I can tell. They like to play judge and jury for anyone who isn’t at their level. And literally no one appears to be on their level. Even the Brotherhood, or maybe especially the Brotherhood. Our King isn’t like any before him, so they’re a little rattled. Some more than others.” I nodded and then took another mouthful of my pancakes, finishing what was on my plate before swapping them over so I could get personal with the next in line. “I am part of the training programme. So I am training to fight, I go out on patrol and I do all the various theory work that goes along with that too. Qhuinn, my male, is one of the trainers on the programme. He’s in the Brotherhood and it amuses me greatly to see how much I can push his buttons when we train. I have a few friends on the programme who go to great lengths to use the most abstract and weird objects offered in case we’re ever jumped in a random public toilet or something.” I laughed at the visual images of bog brushes and spatulas in a fight. It was unlikely to ever happen, and yet we loved the challenge. As well as the rolls of Qhuinn’s eyes when he watched us beeline for those kind of weapons time and time again.

“Um, feeding wise I can certainly help you with. There’s a club that we meet at the first Friday of every month. I can give you the name. You can’t miss the group that go. It’s a little uncomfortable at first, but they are all there to feed and nothing more. Normally wrist, but depending on how crowded it is, you can take from the throat if you’re dancing close enough for others not to notice. They have bathrooms out back that the humans use to have sex, but you can use to feed as well if you want to. It gives privacy if you’re not feeling secure. Though it can also be misconstrued if you’ve not been entirely upfront with what you want. As I said, most go just for blood, and we get new comers all the time as single civilians transition but aren’t mated. I think the Glymera and the families just turn a blind eye to it and assume it’s being handled.” I snorted and rolled my eyes at the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy that came with most of the Glymeras. I was glad that the Brotherhood as a whole were far more vocal about their thoughts, wants and acceptances. I smiled and cocked my head. Hoping that I’d managed to answer any and all questions asked. Without scaring or throwing too much at her. “Was that ok for information? Anything else? I remember when I started learning all this stuff. It was basically a full hour of me questioning every single thing. I feel for Phury. He didn’t try to choke me with the hot dog I was eating at the time.” I grinned and winked, then focused in on my pie again, ensuring I cut a proper sized piece and didn’t embarrass myself getting it to my mouth. ~

Tori: “a club? A legit club for this stuff. That I wasn’t expecting. Who is Phury? I’m sorry, I really have no idea about much. We have a King? So the monarchy is actually a thing and not just rumour.” +She leans back. Grinning as he drew with his hands. She’d love to teach him. Although finding the time might be difficult. Taking a sip of her now cold coffee she pulls a face before she sets the mug down. Taking that moment of silence while he ate to gather her thoughts.

“The Lessers. They are the baby powder scented people aren’t they? Or they smell sweet.. Papa warned me about that scent. I’ve smelled it a couple times that I’ve been out walking. And you actually answered a question I was afraid to ask. I didn’t want to seem more awkward potato then I am” she laughs. Nodding as Charlotte refilled her coffee, thanking her and ordering a slice of pie for herself. It looked tasty. 

“Does this training.. you said anyone could do it? Is there just a self defence portion of it? Before I transitioned I did self defence courses with friends but.. I kinda sorta went from like five foot five to like I think I’m five eight flat footed. I’ve literally had to relearn basic movements. And anything including toilet paper can be used as a weapon. Or so the movies say” she teases. Taking a small bite of her own pie as it arrived. Humming in satisfaction at the taste.+

Dehv: ~ I shook my head at the female and chuckled. “It’s not a club for it specifically. It’s a club, but we have an silent agreement that if we need to feed and we’re not mated we can turn up there. You can then find your own kind by scent or sight, then it’s up to you how you go from there.” I nodded and carried on answering questions. “Phury is one of the Brotherhood. They protect the King, Wrath, and protect our kind from the lessers. Who are the baby powder smelling people. You are correct on that one. You want to move fast in the other direction if they come anywhere near your vicinity. They won’t hesitate to kill you, or worse. Normally you’ll be more than fine wandering around, but they are a threat and you’d do well to just be knowledgeable about them.” I smiled and took a drink before having another mouthful of my cake, savouring every bite with a little hum of satisfaction. I then almost choked as the toilet paper was mentioned. I laughed and cleared my throat before speaking. “You are correctly, anything can be seen as a weapon. It just depends on how you use it. Toilet paper might take some preparation to be deadly, but I have no doubt you could brain someone if you tried hard enough, or choke them.” I grinned and took a second to try and imagine what that might look like. And who might manage to do that kind of thing. It had me thinking of asking Qhuinn to get some toilet paper as a weapon in the next training sessions, see who’d be brave enough to pick it up.

I laughed again before speaking. “It’s a full training programme. I believe there’s self defense classes for the civilians that are run locally though. I can find that out for you? Then you can figure out how to use your limbs now that they’ve grown along with the rest of you. You can imagine how much fun it is being our size or worse, and starting much, much smaller.” I chuckled as I remembered the way I was when I’d transitioned. The bambi on ice impression was a sight to behold. I smiled as I watched Tori enjoy her food. “Can I get you anything else, or answer any more questions?” ~

Tori: “I’m good food wise. I’ve actually eaten more then I have in a long time.” +she nods slowly.+ “I would appreciate if you could help me find a local self Defense group. More then you know. So the owners are in the know then? How do you recognize one of us? I mean I didn’t actually know if you were at first..” +she hides behind her hair in embarrassment. 

He made some good points and she would be taking them to heart. She also pauses to think about his statement about growth. She couldn’t imagine being shorter again. This height suited her, when she wasn’t being a gangly oaf. Somethings, like stairs and gaging distances at times still needed work. Luckily when she usually fell up or down the stairs she was alone. “If you don’t mind a couple personal questions… how long have you and Qhuinn? Been together? Is it easy or hard to have a relationship given your schedule?” +

Dehv: ~ I smiled at the words, unsure as to why it made my chest ease slightly to know that the female was actually eating something. I found myself nodding happily, I knew a few places, but I knew that Qhuinn might know of some others. So I’d ask him for his recommendations as well. It might be that Davidson wanted his sister to get in on the action too, so I could see if she might go with Tori, or meet her there and that would give them both something to do, and allow Tori to make some friends around here. I then coughed out a laugh. Remembering when I was so new to this too, though at least I’d had some education. I leaned forward and placed my hand on the table, brushing crumbs away from where we were sitting. “I remember so many of these questions when I first really found out about things and moved further out of the human world. I’m glad you’re eating, it’s important to keep up your strength. Before any kind of defense class can help you, being strong is important.” I nodded and exhaled slowly, my vision blinking out before I knew what was happening. I curled my hands into fists and swallowed down the panic that came with that. Knowing that one time it might just not come back. Sometimes it came back really quickly. I just had to wait it out and I was safe enough here. “Um….so we small different, look different and most times you’ll get a vibe from them. Civilians not as much as Brothers, or those with that bloodline.” I nodded and blinked again, willing my eyes to work. I hoped it wasn’t too obvious that my heart rate had increased ten fold while I tried to keep my voice level. “If you try to see if you can see the differences between say me and…..is that dude still sitting in the corner? Size for a start, but we also will just give you a gut feeling. Just like you know when the sun rises and sets. That tingle down your spine. That will tell you all you need to know.” I nodded again and then smiled openly. The thought of Qhuinn, probably off teaching a training class I wasn’t allowed to go to yet had me both happy and sad. I wanted to be there, I wanted to be able to train with everyone, but I also wanted to have his back with the idiots being back in the programme. So I took a minute to just appreciate talking about my male. “Well, it’s a bit of a complicated story. But properly, we’ve getting on about 7 months or so now. But it works a little differently for us than humans. I’m sure you know, bonding and things. Once it happens, it takes a lot to break it. And I’m not sure I’m strong enough to survive that kind of heartbreak.” I smiled and shrugged. “He’s a tutor for the trainee programme, so I get to see him then. But honestly, he’s like a trouble magnet, so even when we get a spare five minutes he’s pretty much guaranteed to have shit hit the fan.” I chuckled, knowing that if Qhuinn was here I’d be getting kicked under the table and Tori would be getting told just how much of a magnet I seemed to be right along with him. But as he wasn’t, I could totally spin a little story in my head. “So yeah, it is hard, but nothing that’s not worth it. I’d do it all a hundred times over if it got me to this point again. Though with working eyes would be a bonus.” I then quietened slightly before leaning forwards again, hoping I was in the right direction. “I had a question, I have a friend I train with. His sister is a civilian, and I believe she goes to the club as well as self defense classes. Would be adverse to me asking her the ones she attends and perhaps that would give you someone you could meet and show you the ropes? You’re welcome to say no, or no for now. The offer isn’t going to expire just because now it’s overwhelming.” I patted the table and settled back in my chair again. Knowing I’d just downloaded a whole lots of information to digest. ~

Tori: +if she hadn’t been sitting across from him her brain most likely would’ve been goo with the amount of information he had given her. Shifting slightly she frowns as she watches him. The itch to help being suppressed until after she had a moment. If she hadn’t known what to watch for, she never would’ve picked up the fact he was anxious. Taking a moment to sweep her gaze around the cafe. Noting the patrons and staff. Nothing seemed out of place. But clearly, well clear to her something was wrong. Biting her bottom lip she begins to assess him on sight. Her brain literally going back to nursing mode. 

He had of course asked a couple questions and once she was satisfied visually that he was ok she would answer him. It was strange really, she was comfortable with this male even though they had technically just met. Maybe it was the fact he was already mated, maybe it was because he was approachable enough. Or maybe, it was because he reminded her of her cousin. Whatever the reason she found herself alert but relaxed. Not worried about making a mistake or saying the wrong thing. 

“I forget to eat most days. I’m just not hungry. Probably something to do with losing my parents, transitioning a month later and losing my cousin a couple months after that but I don’t know. I.. I’d be ok if this friend of yours uh sister was it? Went with me. I mean I need to meet people somehow.” She does another visual sweep of the area before she listens intently. “Don’t take this the wrong way but are you ok? You look.. anxious. Do you need help? I am a trained nurse.” Ok, she was also nervous and babbling slightly but she was concerned about him. 

Clearing her throat she leans back. Against the chair. “I actually know very little about bonds and that. What I do know is that they are intense. Now I think you are stronger than you seem but I wouldn’t wish for you to ever find out. So you see him on a professional level? Please tell me you two get to go on dates once in a blue moon..” yeah ok. Maybe she was a secret romantic. The very idea that they didn’t get to do anything outside work disturbed her. She just hoped she wasn’t overstepping her grounds.+ 

Dehv: ~ I felt the tension creep back into the female across from me. My eyesight still hadn’t returned, but it was something you could feel. The atmosphere changed and I listened harder to ensure that she was reacting to me and not ot something else in the cafe. If I had to protect her, I would, though I’d likely be getting a beating from Qhuinn when I got home for coming out on my own at night and getting into a fight when I was blind. Something seemed to suddenly click though, because that unease gave way to something else, I wasn’t sure what exactly, and the tension didn’t go entirely, but it felt almost like a mask was being put on, something familiar, like I would if I went into the training centre. I was still me, but there was focus and drive at the forefront rather than the architect that my clients would meet if they came to a meeting. It was how I imagined people saw Wrath when they met him, not as the male the Brothers got to see, but as the…slightly less than conventional King of our race. One of the many hats we wore in different situations. I almost smiled when my body registered that understanding and started to relax again. Despite the agitation with my eyes. 

I frowned at the list of things that the female had gone through in such a short time. Transitioning was bad enough, the threat of not only feeling like you  might die, but also knowing you could, really did a number on your head. Then to have all that happen around it, it really was a miracle that the female was still sitting across from me. I licked my lips and inhaled slowly before I spoke. “That’s awful. And I really am sorry all of that happened to you, at all, but especially so close together. I lost a lot of my family when I was still young, but the hurt never really goes away entirely. Please know that you’re somewhere with others of your kind who will understand and support you. Do lose parents and a cousin so close together, was that Lessers?” I frowned and leaned forward again. I’d not heard of raids outside of the city, but that didn’t mean there weren’t any. I didn’t want to dwell, but if that was true, I’d have to feed it back to the Brotherhood.

“And as much as eating probably feels insignificant, it really is something you need to remember. It’ll strengthen you before you can push your body with other things. Davidson is my friend, his sister Rehbecca is who I am speaking of. She’s older than him, and won’t let him forget it. She does self defense weekly, and as far as I know isn’t mated and has no intention of being as yet. I’m not sure the entire story or the ins and outs of where she trains, but I’ll find out for you and then if you contact me again, I can pass on everything to you. My actual office is also just up this road. Turn left out the cafe. The name and things is on the card I gave you.” I smiled and nodded again. Then I laughed. “And I am fine, yet. I’m not hurt, well not physically any more at any rate. I got into a little trouble on a routine call out not long ago and it’s resulted in some damage to my eyes. I had to look through concentrated sunlight, and it’s done some damage. And since our kind don’t routinely expose ourselves to the sun, it’s not really known what can be done about it. I was entirely blind until I fed just after I got back to the training centre. Now it comes and goes. I could see when I walked in here, now I can’t. I’m sorry if I panicked you. I should have said as soon as it happened.” I smiled again, my eyes still sightless as I blinked away the dry feeling that always came with the bouts of blindness. I seemed to forget to blink regularly and that just caused more irritation. 

I laughed when I thought of Qhuinn though, the word professional wasn’t something I really associated with him. He was great at what he did, as our trainer and kickass in a fight, but he never used conventional methods. “Bonding is sort of new to me too. I grew up around humans, so I had to ask a lot of questions, and unintentionally hurt some close to me when I got those questions wrong. But yeah, bonding is a connection that you just know when it happens to you. It’s like you can’t breathe without the other person being safe and well. Or as well as they ever are, since Qhuinn is prone to just as many incidents as I am. But we’ve been doing a lot of running around the last 7 months, it’s been one thing after another. Ever date we’ve tried to have got interrupted. Though now we’ve been given permission to tell anyone we want about us, it’s going to get easier to find time with each other. I hope.” I winked to show that I wasn’t worried about the lack of time. I was secure in where I stood, and wanted the female to feel relaxed while we finished up the last scraps of food and finished talking. ~

Tori: +She let out the tiniest sigh of relief, glad she hadn’t overstepped her bounds, interacting with anyone on a social level had been hard. Really hard, even pre transition. She just didn’t gel well with people. It had actually been a standing joke in her family at how poor her social skills could be. She couldn’t help the smile when he spoke of his Male. They were both lucky to have found each other. Oh she was a hopeless romantic at heart but didn’t tend to dwell on that or think too much. She just wanted everyone to be happy and healthy. The smile changes as he speaks about incidents, especially about the eye thing. It made her uncomfortable, not in the traditional sense because the sun could be, read that as was bad for them. But the idea of losing her eyesight, even for brief periods of time, it terrified her. Leaning forward she nods, aware he couldn’t see her. “That.. routine call huh? Were you alone? Are you sure you are ok? Is there such a thing as like doctors and nurses to help you guys?” 

She kept her voice low, glancing around to be sure they wouldn’t be overheard. She also made a note of the directions to his office, she’d be stopping by if she had time after sunset. If he allowed it. “My parents were killed in a car accident in Europe. I don’t know exactly what happened but I suspect that one was trapped and the other refused to leave and the sun killed them both. My parents.. The love they had for each other. I’ve never seen anything like it. My dad worshiped Mahman, the very ground she walked on. If I am ever lucky enough to love or bond with anyone I hope I can have a bond even half as strong as theirs was.” Realising that she had been gushing she shifts slightly embarrassed. Normally in public she didn’t gush like that. “As to Leif, my cousin. I don’t know. We were supposed to meet up in the city but he never showed. I waited about a week and then took off. I suspect that it was Lessers but I wasn’t there so I don’t know.” Her voice cracked at the end, catching herself she breathes deeply, bottling her emotions up once more.

She was surprised they had kept it secret, then again he was a warrior. Maybe they did things differently. “I’ll call the number on the card when I get home. That way you’ll have my contact information. Are you not training because of your eyes?” +

Dehv: Dehv: ~ I licked at my lips and tried not to blink too often to clear the blindness. It seemed to take it sweet time to come and go. Occasionally it’d flick in and out like a TV trying to find a station. Other times it’d click in and I’d have hours to enjoy. More than once I’d just felt relief that it was back, and then it’d blink out again, mocking me and my enthusiasm. Though I could hear the worry in Tori’s voice when she spoke to me. And I found myself having to take a moment. Where had her family grown up for her to not know about our doctors or hospitals. I shook my head and brushed my hands down my jacket, hoping that I looked like I was checking for crumbs and not like I was as nervous as I felt. “It comes and goes. I sometimes think I have it back before it blinks out on me again. But I’m doing ok. I might have to get you to lead me out this place and point me in the right direction though. If you’re ready to go, if not could you shuffle me out regardless?” I chuckled and straightened in my seat a little before broaching the subject of our race. “We have basically everything humans have, sometimes more. Since we have to do more investigations with the inability to have blood transfusions and the fact we’ve got six chambered hearts etc. But we do have whole medical centres dedicated to our kind only. They are kept under wraps in the same way that we might keep other homes out of the prying eyes of humans. Though typically we don’t play around with sunlight, so I’m not sure whether this is any kind of injury they’ve seen before. I’m hoping that the Chosen blood, and Qhuinn’s blood will enable them to heal properly. I’m feeding far more often than I was in the effort to reverse the effects.” I nodded and sighed. I hated talking about the what ifs of the situation. There was a very real chance my eyesight would deteriorate until I couldn’t see at all. Which was terrifying. I nodded at the other questions. Knowing I could only answer so much of it without giving away too much of the Brotherhood. “I was with a Brother. He got the call on the Brotherhood emergency line and I was free for the evening. We partner up just like we’re told to.” I smiled at the thought, because not ever Brother partnered up, and as a trainee I was normally far more than partnered, we normally went in groups of four. But yes, other than my eyes, I’m more than fine.”

I smiled and then frowned hard as I listened to the story. I’d have done the same if I was stuck in a car with the sun coming up and Qhuinn wasn’t able to get out. There’s no way I’d walk away from that. Regardless of how much he cussed he out for it. And I had no doubt there would be nothing other than swear words coming at me if that were the situation. “I’m so sorry about that. Your parents sound to have a wonderful connection, and you are correct, once you are bonded it’s a love like nothing else. I would do the same for Qhuinn. No, that’s not true, I’d likely want to do that for others if I was in that situation, but I’d be unable to do anything else if it was Qhuinn. The choices isn’t there, it’s a physical need that it’s easily overridden. Family are the same, so I am hopeful that your cousin was kept away. Though you are right, it doesn’t sound good. If he was willing to support you through your transition then he cares about you a lot.” I smiled. Hoping my words were of come comfort when I knew there wasn’t much to offer.

I exhaled slowly and pushed to my feet, really hoping that my hearing was up to scratch so I didn’t bash into someone by mistake. I pulled my wallet from my pocket again and held it out. “Could you pull the right money out of there so we can pay? Yours and mine if that’s alright with you? Call the number on the card any time. If I’m in a meeting or whatever I’ll call you right back again. Once we’ve paid, would you please help me outside and across the road then point me in the direction where the door to this place is on my left?” I smiled and waited. Hoping that the female was as trustworthy as I thought she was. ~

Tori: +She listened intently as he spoke. Nodding even though he couldn’t see it. She wasn’t all that surprised that they had places and clinics. It made sense, even though they were different they still got hurt. The need for treatment was universal. As he rose and held out his wallet she blinks in surprise before responding. + “Of course, uhm, thank you.” +She moves to take his wallet. Paying for their meals and handing it back to him as soon as she was done. Slipping out of the booth she stands beside him as she gathers her sketchbook and bag and looks around to be sure they both had everything they needed. Satisfied that they weren’t leaving anything behind. Clearing her throat slightly nervous she takes him arm. Making sure to make it look like he was escorting her out of the cafe and not anything else.+ 

“We lived off the grid, Mahman took care of everything at home. Hence my lack of knowledge. Papa said that it was too dangerous to be seen or known. I got my first real taste of civilisation when I went to College. It was an adjustment, people thought my parents were Amish. I just went with it.”

+Leading him out the door after waving farewell to the staff she followed his instructions. Looking around to be sure they were alone before heading across the street.+ “You said left correct?” +The question falling fairly easily from her lips. It was nice to have a conversation with someone, even if she did ask a fair few questions. Once stopped across the street she drops his arm and chews on her bottom lip, trying to decide if she had any last questions before they parted ways.+

Dehv: ~ I was glad when the female took my wallet without complaint. Paying for our meals and then handing it back to me. I was able to put it in my pocket before I felt her hands settling on my arm. I needed to know I was being led out safely, and there was nothing I wanted less than to bump into one of the numerous tables that scattered the open floor. I hadn’t managed to get a mental picture of the place, since I was ridiculously optimistic in my assumptions that my eyesight would just switch back on and not go off again. Of course, so far that hadn’t happened. So I needed to start actually giving myself something to work with and ensure I was prepared in these situations. It wasn’t unlike my training to watch my back. Check out the exits and ensure I was aware of my surrounds at all times. Now that was limited, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t go ahead and add in another habit. Even if my eyesight did come back, it wouldn’t be a bad skill to be able to have an exit strategy right along with an actual door. Saved anyone bumping into things or gave ideas for hiding places. I was sure it would come in handy at some point. I moved right along with her, smiling so that I didn’t look terrible until I felt the air from outside hit my face. At that point I exhaled and then spoke. “Yeah, to the left please. And I think we all do what we can to survive when we’re not the norm. I had to do the same when I transitioned seemingly over night from a normalish size to this. It wasn’t easy to explain. I got lucky that I could avoid some for a while and pretend I’d just bulked up. The height wasn’t so easy, and I ended up moving around a little. You’ll find your place, and you’re in a good city to do that. There’s a good network of civilians and Brothers here. We have medical services and strategies in place to ensure we can own our own homes and such. So just ask questions, speak to everyone you can and be safe. Lessers are something to watch out for and you want to keep yourself self.” I smiled and squeezed Tori’s arm where she was still holding mine. I could feel the tingle in my vision that told me I’d be able to see again soon. But probably not before I got home. I kept myself facing the way the female had faced me and then took a step back. “I look forward to hearing from you and I’ll get those names and numbers for you.” I bowed my head slightly and then started walking down the street towards my house, fingers trailing over brickwork to ensure I knew when I’d reached home. If I got lost this close, Qhuinn would likely murder me where I stood. ~ #DisobeyingOrdersMakingFriends

[shikikira]

Pajama Problems - Ch 03

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Previous Chapter

Summary: What if the pajamas Jumin had bought hadn’t quite fit Ami (MC/OC)? What if she was much bustier than she seemed? The issues Jumin and Ami suffer as he attempts to dress her each night.

Rating: M

Word Count:

Slumping over the top of the dresser, Ami moaned as her sensitive breasts dragged across the polished wood. She groaned as her fingers fell out of her soaking sheath.

She lied there breathless, too enraptured by her recent bout of bliss. Her little bout of pleasure just now hadn’t even whet her appetite, much less quenched it.

Still panting, she slowly rolled over onto her side as she basked in the afterglow. Her eyes lazily roamed around the room as the haze of lust lifted from her gaze bit by bit.

Eyes sliding across one wall, she bolted upright, nearly falling to the floor in her haste, as her sight landed on the closet entrance.

As if mocking her, the door swung open wider.

With wide eyes, she cursed her own stupidity and libido. “Bloody fucking hell!”

Utterly humiliated, she rushed to her feet, and hurried to close the jeering door.

Face completely flushed, she hastily peek down the hallway, checking if anyone had heard her screams.

Seeing no one coming, she quietly shut the door. Back pressed against the dark wood, she slid down, bare bottom touching the carpet floor.

Burying her face in her arms, she prayed that she wasn't as loud as she thought she was. But knowing her vocals as well as she did, she was probably even louder.

Irritated with herself, she shrugged off the ruined button, and wiped herself clean with it.

“What the hell happened to staying rational and not letting your hormones control you, Masami?” she groused sourly as she shimmied back into her panties and pajama bottoms.

“It shouldn't be that hard to abstain for a night. You do it all the time at sofu-sama's (grandfather’s).” She angrily pulled a random T-shirt from the racks, and pulled it over her head, not caring about how it swallowed her slim form.

“And what the hell was with that last bit anyway? Why did Jumin suddenly replace Shi-chan?” Roughly balling the pajama top, she threw the nightwear viciously to the ground.

Tears filled her eyes as she collapsed to her knees, a distressed whimper tearing itself from her throat.

Why?

Why, why, why?

She thought she had gotten over her crush. Thrown it out of her heart, and left it in the past where it should have stayed with no power over her.

She was getting married in a little over a month to the love of her life. She had even gone in for her final bridal fitting on Halloween, and was eager for Christmas to come. She wanted to make her marriage finally official.

So what the hell was wrong with her?

Why was she imagining having passionate, mind blowing sex with Jumin rather than her fiancé?

Admittedly, she was sexually attracted to Jumin. She couldn’t deny it no matter how much she wanted to. And it seemed her mind wasn’t about to let her forget it either as she suddenly pictured the tent that had been in Jumin’s pants.

Judging by the size of his bulge, she’d guess his penis might even rival Shigeru’s in length and size.

Just imagining how large Jumin was had her mouth watering as her lust threatened to consumer her again.

Promptly slapping herself, she put a stop to her lewd thoughts.

She was a taken woman. She didn’t need to nor should she be having fantasies about other men that weren’t fiancé. She had never in her life so much as even fantasized about another living person before.

If she didn’t have her own set of morals that she firmly adhered to, she wouldn’t have minded Jumin’s attentions. Her guilty fantasy would probably even be a reality if she didn’t love Shigeru as much as she did.

But she did love Shigeru, and she was completely and wholeheartedly devoted to him and only him.

Curling up on her side, she hugged her knees to her chest, feeling more miserable than she already had before coming into the closet.

It was one thing to fantasize about fictional characters, but it was a completely different matter to fantasize about another person. Especially one that really could lead to her cheating on her husband in all but name.

She wanted to call Shigeru and talk with him, but this was something that had to do with him too.

Wracked with guilt, she didn’t know what to do.

Maybe I should call Mama or one of my siblings… she wondered, lips pressed thin in anxiety.

Growing up, she had never been particularly close to her family, and had never called her parents or siblings much.

Loneliness. Boredom. Advice. Excitement.

She had never once called her family about anything. When things happened, Shigeru had always been the first person she sought out.

Even though they were family, she hadn’t spent much of her childhood with her parents and siblings. And she wasn’t exactly close with the majority of siblings; even less so with her blood related ones than all the ones her parents had adopted over the years.

When Shigeru had entered university at just five years old, she had been from her parents and sent to America to keep him company. It might have been her grandfather’s orders and for Shigeru’s benefit, but it really made her wonder.

Had her parents even cared about her?

Had she only been born to fulfill her grandfather and Shigeru’s grandfather’s promise to each other?

Did her parents even actually love her? Had everything they told her been nothing more than pretty lies?

“Why else would they have so easily given me up?” she mumbled miserably, eyes squeezing tight at the hurt she still felt from the isolation.

She had only been three years old when she had been uprooted from her life with her parents. Still just a toddler when she had been taken from her home, family, and friends. Not even old enough to take care of herself yet.

Her parents hadn’t seemed to have even hesitated when they had taken her to America and left her in the care of her cousins Shokichi and Daiki and a single bodyguard and caretaker, Kirizaki Kenshin.

Her lips twitched upwards at the thought of her bodyguard turned brother-in-law.

She had been an absolute menace to him when he had been assigned to her, having frequently disappeared from his sight and once bitten him hard enough to scar. But the oddly cheery man had for whatever reason taken a liking to her, and she was forever grateful for that. Kenshin had become one of the few bright constants in her otherwise dark and lonely childhood.

Almost immediately a frown took her lips.

It had been some years since she had last seen the head of her security detail. The blond had disappeared overseas for some sort of assignment shortly after his wife and her sister and cousin Emi’s death, leaving their newborn twins, Toshiyuki and Rie, in her family’s care and one of her elder adopted brothers in charge of her safety.

She always figured he had left to get revenge for Emi; their whole family wanted revenge for the murder of one of their brightest lights. But it had been a heavier and harsher blow to Kenshin than anyone else.

During one of their more serious conversations, her brother-in-law had once described Emi as being akin to his north star. The light that always guided him home and back on the right path. She had been the light to his darkness. The stars to his shadows. His love for her was a constant like the ever rising sun.

She hoped he came home soon. Even without his north star, he and Emi had created two new stars. Her niece and nephew needed their father, not their aunt and uncle.

Uncurling herself, she rolled onto her back, one arm slung across her chest while the other was spread out towards the side.

Even though Toshiyuki and Rie had been left in her and Shigeru’s joint guardianship, the twins were mainly cared for by her parents.

If she compared how her parents raised the twins and her other siblings versus how she had been raised, there were far too many differences to count. She was glad for it though, loved that her niece and nephew were so cherished and doted on. Their childhood was so completely different from her own that it hurt.

Would her childhood be like the twins’ if she hadn’t been sent to America?

Would her parents have loved her as much as they cherished their non-biological children and grandchildren?

Would they have even cared about her as much as they did now if she hadn’t become a successful actress?

With each question, she could feel her heart breaking more and more, her mind providing a loud, resounding no.

They never wanted you. Her mind hissed scornfully.

Tears falling, Ami choked back a sob as the heartache threatened to overwhelm her. The pain had her feeling nearly as miserable as when she had been twelve.

If they loved you, they wouldn’t have shipped you off every chance they got. Her mind continued to whisper disdainfully. America. France. England.

“That’s not true,” she snapped back. Her knuckles turned white as the fingers of her left hand wrapped around the pendant of the necklace she always wore, a precious custom gift from her fiancé.

It was all so your mom and dad didn’t have to deal with how useless and pathetic you are.

“Shut up,” she growled louder.  “You know it wasn’t like that!”

You know Shigeru’s too good for you. He deserves someone smarter, prettier, better; someone not you. Her mind sniped venomously.

That’s why you’re fantasizing about another man fucking you! You’re nothing but a sex crazed harlot.

“Shut the hell up!” she shouted, slamming her free hand viciously against the floor. The impact of her fist echoed in the closet; the sound barely muffled by the numerous clothes hung up.

Pulling herself up, she buried her face in her arms, hands gripping her hair tightly.

“C'mon, Masami. Get a hold of yourself. It's only your illness talking. Don’t let it get the better of you.

You are good enough for Shigeru. There's no need for you to prove it to anyone,” she reassured herself in a rushed but soft tone.

“We’ve gone over this before, Masami. Mama and Papa love you. They only sent you away for your own benefit. Living in America despite all the trauma is better than being treated as a servant by your aunts and uncles your entire life. Moving to France was only to keep you safe and away from the demented doctor. ”

A shudder racked Ami’s body at the thought of the lunatic and one of her worst traumas at a hospital.

She remembered the absolute terror she felt upon waking up and finding herself strapped on top of a medical table, completely immobilized. How the operating room lights were directed down at her, blinding her sensitive eyes. How horrified she was when she saw that doctor’s face looming right above her, insanity gleaming in his eyes and a wide, deranged grin spreading across his bare face.

She had screamed in fear and panic upon seeing his blood covered scalpel. The fresh, dripping blood and cold metal had glistened sinisterly under the operating lights.

Dread had filled her as she had quickly realized what was happening to her and recognized the crazed man.

The doctor operating on her had been the same one her parents had placed a restraining order against, and had taken off her medical case. The man had been a long time member of the medical staff that took care of her whenever she was hospitalized. He had been the one doctor who had been the most insistent on having her internal organs removed and having her connected to a metal stomach. Even after multiple denials, the man had been persistent, unceasing in his obsession with her body, pursuing her cousins with a constant pleas and deals.

She didn't remember much of what happened after that nor any of the words the psychopath had said to her. She only remembered hearing the operating room doors banging open while the mad man had been talking before promptly fainting from shock.

The next time she had woken up, it was to the somber faces of her cousins, the anguished expression of Kenshin, and the thundering voices of her parents as they furiously rebuked the medical staff.

Shivering, she shot up to her feet and started pacing around the closet, hoping to rid herself of the grisly memory.

“All right, Masami. Let’s get out of your own head,” she muttered to herself, running a trembling hand through her hair roughly. “You’re safe now. You’re not a little kid anymore. You’re not stuck in a hospital again. You’re not at the mercy of a medical team you don’t trust. You’re safe.”

“Just breathe, okay? Take some slow, deep breaths, and everything will be all right,” she babbled to herself, on the verge of hyperventilating as she continued to pace across the floor.

As her breathing slowly returned to normal, Ami continued to calm herself, reminding herself of the promises she had made earlier and all the good that was soon to come.

“Okay, we just talked about this. Let’s keep calm and don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Remember what your therapist said. Just let the moment pass; the feelings won’t last forever,” she breathed out in a slow even pace as she continued to take deep breaths.

“Everything will be all right. Emi-onee-sama won't come back to life, but she'll finally be able to rest in peace with her killer finally behind bars,” she reassured herself. “Just a little longer before we can go home.”

Finally feeling more rational and like herself, she started to think of who she could talk to. Because she definitely need to talk to someone, and it couldn’t be Shigeru; and she absolutely refused to divulge her thoughts to any of the R. F. A. members.

She couldn’t just keep her emotions bottled up like she had done most of her life, but she couldn’t unload her problems on just anyone. She knew how heavy a burden it was to be another person’s confidant could be after all. Having been that person for not just her fiancé but many others as well, she knew the mental stress of that came with that trust given responsibility intimately.

But who could she talk to without being judged?

With her personality and mindset, her first adopted sister was probably the easiest and the best person to talk to about her current situation. The former intelligence agent would be the most understanding, and would probably give the soundest advice.

“But it’s already almost ten. Yumi-nee’s either putting Masayoshi, Rie, and the twins to bed right now or spending time with Mitsuyoshi-onii-sama right now.”

Her lips pursed as she thought of who else she could possibly talk to.

Yumi’s younger biological brothers were also an option, but both were busy with their own matters. Yukichi and their other adopted brothers who had come to Korea with her were busy dealing with the all the bull shit of capturing Rika and her cult. Kei, on the other hand, was in Santa Monica with her own older biological brother. The two of them were overseeing the World Championships for one of their many game creations.

Sighing, she wondered if there was anyone she could possibly call at this time of day. A majority of her siblings didn’t even live in the same time zone as her; many of them having chosen to pursue careers in their family’s business but sent them all over the globe and still allowed them to return home to Tokyo.

Going through her mental list, she mumbled out the names of all her siblings who were currently staying in a country where it was still a reasonable hour. Even though she wasn’t particularly close to a majority of her siblings, they were close enough that she kept track of each and every one of her dozens of siblings

She thought it over for a bit before her eyes widened in realization and she felt like slapping herself for her idiocy.

Grabbing the ruined button up, she raced out of the closet, being mindful to close the door, and headed for the living room.

“Why didn't I call Zen and Kazu earlier?” she muttered as she dove for her purse, and grabbed one of her three phones—her private line—from her bag.

She should've realized it earlier that the two were the only ones she could talk to about her predicament with confidence. Zen and Kazu, respectively also known as Teizen and Kazuhiko, were the two brothers she was in a pseudo triplet set with and whom she was the closest to out of all her relatives.

If she was right, her two younger brothers should both be in Oxford or somewhere else in England right now. While they had all been in Paris, Kazuhiko had mentioned that he was going to follow Teizen back to the UK after Shigeru’s birthday.

Checking the time, she quickly dialed her baseball playing brother’s number, and waited for Kazu to pick up.

If she was lucky and remembered Teizen’s schedule correctly, she should be catching them just as they were out getting lunch.

Her foot tapped rhythmically against Jumin’s pristine tile floor as she impatiently listened to the dial tone, waiting for the signature click of a connected call.

“Moshi moshi, Macchan?” she finally heard from the other line.

“Hey, Kazu,” she smiled as she spoke in her native Japanese, glad to hear the youngest of their set’s mischievous voice. “Are you with Zen right now? How are you enjoying England?”

“It’s been pretty good. Oxford’s nothing like London or LA, but I’m not too sure how I feel about the food though. And yeah, he’s with me right now. What’s up? Do you need him to talk to him for a project or something?”

“No, but are you guys free to talk right now?”

“Of course! We just getting lunch. I’m gonna put you on speaker—”

“No, no speaker please,” she cut him off pleadingly. “At least not if you’re with others and in public.”

“Hm? All right. We're at a gastropub right now, so gimme a sec.”

Ami winced at her brother’s tone. The baseball player was already suspicious, and she hadn’t even told them what she wanted to talk to them about yet. Like the rest of her siblings, the bespectacled man was perspective to a fault.

Even with him pulling the phone away, she could still hear her brothers talking on the other end, but they were somewhat muffled by the surrounding clamor.

A moment later, she heard Teizen's deeper, placid voice talking to whom she assumed must an employee.

The noise of people chattering grew gradually louder before becoming more distant, muffling the sound of her brothers’ footsteps.

There was the creak of a door opening, and the sound of chairs scraping across the floor soon followed. Her brothers spoke with the wait staff a little longer before a soft thud muted the commotion of the eatery.

“You still with us, Macchan? You’ve been real quiet,” Kazuhiko asked, concern coloring his tone.

“Yeah, I’m still here.”

“Kazu, put her on speaker.” She heard her cousin turned brother and later brother-in-law say.

“Already ahead of you, Zen.”

“Kazu! I—” she made to protest.

“We’re in a private room. There’s no one else here, but us,” Teizen interrupted succinctly.

She bit her lip, worried that she may have called the wrong siblings. She knew the other singer could be rather cold and curt with his words at times, but she had rarely ever been on the receiving end of them.

A loud smack was heard shortly after as Kazuhiko spoke. “Geez, do you have to speak like that? She’s already unnerved as it is.”

“There’s no point in coddling her,” Teizen argued back. “She might be emotionally delicate than we are, but she’s not glass.”

“And people say I’m the callous one,” their youngest grumbled. She could practically see him rolling his golden eyes—one of the few defining features that told her and her brothers apart—behind his blacked framed glasses.

“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you. Should I call back some other time?” she whispered, feeling as if she were being scolded by one of her paternal aunts.

“Aiz, it’s fine,” Teizen finally said, a sigh in his voice as if he could sense Ami’s growing anxiety. Given how close they were, he probably could. “If you need anything, Kazu and I are both always here to help and listen.”

“Yeah, so lay it on us,” Kazu added on. “You’re talking to us, remember? Not one of the people at the main house.”

“Even if it’s a little um… tmi?” she squeaked out.

“Even then,” Teizen assured.

“But if it’s about your sex life, you really should be talking to Shigeru about that,” Kazuhiko joked his cheeky voice grinning.

“…”

“Wait what? Don’t tell me this really is about that, Macchan!?” the pro athlete cried in shock.

“You should be calling Kiyoshi-nii, not us,” Teizen quickly supported.

“Masami?” “Aizaki?” her brothers took turns calling her by her given and middle names when she didn’t respond.

“…It’s not about that,” she murmured, running her free hand tiredly through her now dried locks. “But it’s sort of related.”

“So not about your sex life then?” Kazuhiko asked for clarification.

“No,” Ami shook her head. “But…”

“But?” Kazuhiko encouraged.

“It’s sort of related…”

“And you’re calling us because Kiyoshi-nii can’t know about this, yes?” Teizen guessed in an almost bored manner.

“Wouldn’t it have been better to call Yumi-nee about this kind of stuff?” Kazuhiko suggested.

Immediately after, a harsh and swift slap was heard as flesh connected with flesh.

“Ow!” their youngest shouted. “What was that for?”

“Think of the time, idiot,” Teizen scolded lightly.

“Oh… Um yeah, good call not calling her.”

Ami couldn’t help giggling. She could practically see Kazuhiko’s wide-eyed and then embarrassed expression as he realized what their older sister and brother could possibly be doing at this time of night. 

“You finally laughed,” both men breathed in relief.

“Huh?”

“We were worried about you, Aiz,” her fellow musician explained. “We might not be Kiyoshi-nii, but we can tell when something is wrong with our sister.

“It’s only been a few days since we saw each other, but you’re acting strange. Whatever’s bothering you, it must’ve just happened. Everything all right on your end, Macchan?” Rare concern filled the catcher’s voice.

“I’m all right, physically anyways,” she placated, her hand once again running through her hair. “Just really conflicted. Probably the most I’ve been in some years.”

“What about?”

“What do you guys constitute as cheating?”

“Aiz, tell me you didn’t,” Teizen pleaded, his voice an odd mix of distraught and calmness.

“No, I didn’t, but I need to know,” she confirmed. Immediately, she heard Teizen let out a “thank kami-sama” as she continued to explain.

“You know I’m more than happy that Shi-chan and I are getting married next month, and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him intentionally. But…”

“But?”

“Is it normally to have fantasies about someone you’re not in a relationship with?”

“Isn’t fantasizing about others normal? I wouldn’t constitute that as cheating,” Kazuhiko provided his own two cents.

“I don’t know what normal is though. Our family isn’t normal. I’m pretty sure nothing in my entire life can even be considered remotely normal,” she sighed. “You and Zen are the closest to normal I have, Kazu. Even though how we became ‘triplets’ isn’t normal either.”

“Normal is a relative term. Everyone has a different sense of what normal is, Aiz,” Teizen interjected. “Remember, what you consider normal is always going to be different from someone else’s normal.”

“Yeah, our normal can be another’s extraordinary!” Kazuhiko agreed. “It’s the same as pain. A two for one person can be another person’s eight. Everyone’s going to have a different gauge for things because of what they’ve experienced.”

“That’s true… Thanks, guys,” she smiled softly, embarrassed to need consolation but glad that she had called her brothers.

“What made you consider your fantasies as cheating?” Teizen asked, curiosity in his normally cool voice.

Ami winced as she fumbled on how to express herself. She had rarely ever divulged her problems to anyone, having spent her entire life channeling nearly all of her thoughts and emotions in her acting and music instead. It had taken her therapist months to even get her to break the habit and actually talk about her issues.

She could always try to act, but her brothers would see right through the facade and know she wasn’t being honest.

“Do you remember that guy I had a bit of a crush on at my debutante ball?”

“Han Jumin?” Teizen supplied immediately.

Without missing a beat, Kazuhiko continued where their brother left off. “The ass who made you cry on your big night?

“You remember him?” she blinked, surprised by their swift answers.

“How could we ever forget him? He’s lucky that Mom and Dad didn’t cut ties with his family’s business over what he did,” the baseball player spat. “They were absolutely furious with how he had treated their little princess.”

“Since when was I a princess?” Ami asked, a brow quirking up in confusion. Aside from being a long line of blue bloods on both sides of her family, she had no claim to princesshood as far as she was concerned.

If we went by just clanship and were back in the Sengoku era or earlier then maybe.

She mused over her family tree. If she traced her paternal lineage, she could find a connection with nearly all of the other noble clans, both existent and extinct. The same could be said about her mother’s side of the family.

“No, never mind. That’s not important right now,” she quickly backtracked, shaking her head vigorously as she did so.

“So what is it about Han?” Teizen asked, bringing the conversation back on track.

“Well… um… He’s kind of a member of the Tanabata knockoff… and um… Jihyun’s best friend…” she stumbled over her words.

“And?”

“Some… stuff happened, and um… I’m kind of… staying at his place tonight,” she finished in a hurry.

“You’re what?” both brothers bellowed, loud enough that Ami had to pull her phone away less she wanted to go deaf in one ear.

“Um… I’m staying at Jumin’s place for the night,” she reiterated, feeling awkward. She’s always known that her brothers and sisters despised the C&R heir, which was one of the other reasons why she had been so hesitant and reluctant to come see Jumin.

“Let me get this straight, you’re staying at the guy who ruined your debutante ball’s house?” Kazuhiko started, his tone unusually serious.

“Um… yeah…” She scratched her cheek nervously at the awkward position she was in.

“Why?”

“He’s going through a lot right now, and I couldn’t just leave him. You remember how much of a womanizer Han-san is, right? Well, his newest tramp has him completely wrapped around her gold digging finger. The chairman is basically handing his son and company over to her on a silver platter,” she explained hurriedly. “Jumin was completely distraught when he found out! And he hasn’t been the same since. I couldn’t just leave him alone when I know how that feels.”

“Aizaki, sometimes you’re too nice for your own good,” she heard Teizen sigh in exasperation as well as one of her brothers smacking their head against their lunch table, probably Kazuhiko.

“Sorry for worrying you guys,” she apologized meekly. “But I really don’t know what to do. It’s not like Shi-chan and I have ever discussed what would constitute as cheating what with my career and all.”

“Rather than asking yourself what’s constitutes as cheating, maybe you should ask yourself whether or not you have any intention of actually doing it?” Teizen suggested. “Fantasies are one thing, but they don’t translate to a person actually wanting to act on them. You should know this from your studies in psychology.”

“I know,” she sighed, restless fingers twirling a lock of her now dry hair. “But knowing the principles doesn’t mean I can apply it in practice. It’s more complicated than that. Plus, I got that degree almost a decade ago.”

“You can apply that specific principle at any time, Aiz,” Teizen said brusquely. “The only on— Kazu!” she heard him hiss in obvious pain.

“Leave it, Zen. It’s her first time dealing with something like this, so lay off. She’s having a hard enough time dealing with it on her own as it is,” Kazuhiko snapped. “If it wasn’t bothering her so much, do you think she would have called us? Do you want a repeat of sixth grade?”

“Kazu,” she warned softly, stopping her younger brother’s lecture. “It’s fine. It’s really not a big deal.”

“It’s not fine, Masami. We—” the baseball player bit out, breaking off when his own emotions started to get the better of him. “We almost lost you. And not just once.”

Ami bit her lip at her brother’s retort, heavily reminded that for all intents and purposes, she should be dead ten times over. It was only luck that she hadn’t died before she had even hit her teens. “Sorry, Kazu…”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. Just don’t say you’re fine when you’re obviously not,” Kazuhiko chided her. “We are going to talk about this the next time I see you, Masami.”

Ami grimaced at that declaration. 

Despite being the youngest and the most carefree of their trio, Kazuhiko was unexpectedly their group's sternest disciplinarian and the one who normally kept them on task. He was worse than Teizen, who was already well-known for being strict and studious and an even harsher taskmaster. 

She was so not looking forward to the lecture she was going to get. 

“Putting that aside, let's get a few things straight. That all right with you two?” Kazuhiko said, resetting their group’s pace. “Alrighty then. Macchan,” he started after a beat of silence from the other two of their set. “Do you have any intentions starting a sexual relationship with Han or cheating on Shigeru?”

“Absolutely not,” she answered immediately. 

“That was fast,” Kazuhiko joked in an attempt to bring their moods to something more lighthearted despite the seriousness of her issue. “You know can you can tell us if you did. We're not gonna tell Shigeru, right Zen?”

“Ah,” Teizen breathed out in agreement.

“Never. I’d never, ever cheat on Kiyoshi,” Ami cut in firmly, her lips pressing together into a thin frown. She had even switched to using her fiancé’s middle name, something she would subconsciously do whenever she was dead serious.

“Then what are you so worried about?” Kazuhiko grinned. “Let yourself enjoy the fantasies. Didn't your sexuality psychology class say they're good for you?"

"Fair point," she smiled, grateful for the assurance. "Thanks for listening to my nonsense, guys. I honestly don't know what I'd ever without you two."

"Probably stuck at the main house and being trained to be a “good” house wife,” Teizen responded semi-jokingly.

She couldn't stop a self-deprecating chuckle from escaping her. It was the truth after all. If it hadn’t been for her music and acting skills, she probably would have been forced into being a housewife. And by the gods, she would rather die than be a useless trophy wife. 

"Anyways, you guys flying in on Sunday right? Do you have anything you guys want to try when you get here?" she aked, turning their conversation to something more pleasant.

“What don’t we want to try is the better question?” Kazuhiko answered back jokingly.

She couldn’t help giggling at her younger triplet’s response.

What with the mandatory military draft for South Korean men, it wasn’t often her brothers got come to Seoul much less South Korea as at all. Their parents had gone through great pains to keep all of her brothers from being registered as Korean citizens and forced to serve in their military.

Seeing how rare of a trip it was for them, she wanted them to enjoy their time here as much as possible. And with that thought in mind, she happily continued chatting with her brothers about their birthday plans, an excited smile taking its place across her lips.

Notes

Ami’s full birth name is Masami Aizaki Ryu-Choe; her legal Korean name is Ami Choe.

Shigeru’s full name is Shigeru Kiyoshi Miyakazu eventually Shigeru Kiyoshi Miyakazu-Ryu

Etymology

Kiyoshi (淳) - Purity

Miyakazu (宮和) - Palace of Peace and Harmony

Tagging:

#MM #mysme #mystic messenger #MM fanfic #mm fanfiction #mysme fanfic #MM OC #MM Jumin #mystic messenger jumin #mystic messenger oc #Han Jumin #jumin han #Mystic Messenger MC #MM MC #Shiki writes #fanfiction related #spoilers

[evalulu]

A request of Nancy and Quentin fighting Freddy!

Quentin had gotten very used to the realm’s workings, constant new arrivals showing up at random and disappearing in the very next moment.  He couldn’t ever find it in him to stop caring about the others, even if they weren’t as nice as they could be.  He wasn’t going to leave people to themselves if there was something he could do to help.

He had gotten used to constant silence and very easily crossing the threshold of being asleep and awake.  He focused now on organizing supplies in his medkit as he heard the rustling of bushes, figuring whoever it was would make their presence known quickly.  

“Quentin?  Is that you?”

Nancy?  His attention darted up to her, dread and fear overtaking every fiber of his being.  He stood and raced over to her, praying this was a cruel joke or figment of his sleep deprived mind.  

“Nancy?  How are you here?”

“I don’t know.  I hadn’t heard from you in months, I thought…  he killed you.”

Quentin swallowed hard, eyes darting around as he tried to find words.  

“Nancy, I’m so sorry.  I almost had him, I know I could’ve, but I…  I was fine with this, he’s stuck here and couldn’t hurt you.  You can’t be here right now.”  

Panic quickly rose, suffocating his chest.  Intense guilt and anger settled thickly in his stomach.  This can’t be happening.  It can’t be.  Nancy stood stunned, shaking her head to clear away her shock.  

“Where even are we?  What is this place?”

“It’s…  we call it the Entity’s Realm.  It makes us go against Killers and try to survive and escape.  Even if we do die, we wake up back here and have to do it all over again.”  

He hated having to tell her the rules of this game, and he knew there would never be enough time to get used to her presence.  The looming fog had a very real threat and chill to it, one that was all too familiar.  How can he be here now?  We’re at the campfire!  

“Be careful.  He’s around here somewhere.”

Quentin felt his heart racing, everything happening all at once.  He made sure to hold Nancy’s hand tightly, steeling himself for the conflict sure to come soon.  I can’t fail her now.  His eyes closed for just a second too long, opening them again to see Freddy not far off.  The campfire’s light was snuffed out, making Quentin narrow his eyes.  Something’s up.  

“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it, Nancy?”

Freddy’s voice made rage build and heat rise to his face.  Neither he or Nancy made any attempt to speak.  

“Such a cold reunion.  You didn’t miss me at all?”

“Go to hell.”

Quentin could hardly stand Freddy’s games before, but now there was so much more at stake.  Come on, Quentin!  Find a crack in the nightmare!  

“We all know that won’t work, dear Quentin.  I’ve waited far too long for this moment.”

He quickly glanced over to Nancy, noticing her gaze lingering on something in the distance for just a second.  He followed her gaze to see a glint of metal.  It’ll work.  That was enough confirmation for him to know this was a twisted dream, only giving a small relief.  The thought of Nancy on a hook was not one Quentin wanted to entertain.  

“Now, we can make this easy or difficult.  I might be nice if you go with the easy option.”  

“Not a chance.”  

Quentin looked around as Nancy spoke up, trying to find anything he could use to elude Freddy again.  

“Fine then, we’ll do this the hard way.  This time, you’re going to watch your little boyfriend die right in front of your eyes.”  

Stall for time.  Nancy was forced away by a sudden arrival of black spikes, acting as a fence between them.  He just had to give her time to come up with something to catch Freddy off guard.  Freddy lunged quickly, and Quentin barely had time to step out of the slash.  He kept scrambling out of the way, the distance getting shorter and shorter.  

Claws raked along his face and down his shoulder, making him cry in pain.  He braced himself for another slash, instead hearing Freddy groan and metal connect to the back of his head.  He took the opportunity to get up and rush over to Nancy, pressing a hand to his shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry.”

Something in the distance flickered, catching Quentin’s attention.  

“Come on!”

He grabbed her hand and ran for the light of safety, Freddy close behind them.  I know we can make it before-

“-ntin, wake up!”

He suddenly sat up, head nearly colliding with Jake’s.  

“What?  Where’s Nancy?  We were-”

“Calm down.  You were sleeping, I came over when I heard you start shouting.”  

He shook his head to recollect himself.  

“I’m fine, but where is she?”

“Who, Nancy?  She’s not here, Quentin.”

He fell into silence, taking a deep breath.  

“You wanna talk?”

It was rare for Jake to offer to talk, but Quentin figured he must’ve really looked like he needed it.  

“I’m fine, really.  Just tired.”

Jake shrugged as he stood.  

“Sure, if you wanna talk just come find me.”

Quentin nodded, watching Jake walk off.  He rubbed his face and eyes, trying to determine whether or not it was all an elaborate dream.  His face and shoulder still ached despite no injuries or blood.  He leaned back against a tree, now trying to take his mind off of the intense feeling of loneliness and missing her.  

#my writing #Nancy Holbrook #Quentin Smith #Freddy Krueger

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Sleeping at last (E.D.)

Summary: Ethan learns the hard way that not every story has a happy ending.

A/N: Ethan is older in this one.

Warnings: angst, sad, maybe one swear word

Word count: 2750

Sleeping At Last - Saturn (the song that inspired me to write this one)

The first time I ever saw her was on a rainy Monday at exactly 3 pm. After spending the past 8 hours in surgery I finally got a little lunch break and I was waiting for Grayson because he wanted to talk to me about how to propose to his girlfriend and since I was on call, this lunch break was the only time I had to give him. He was running late and I got annoyed, deciding to get something from the vending machine in the lobby because it was the only one that had gummy worms.

I remember thinking about waiting for him in the lobby since I was already there and I’m really glad I did because that’s when faith stepped in.

Instead of Grayson, she walked in and I swear my heart skipped a beat. She was one of those people that emit a certain type of aura that just draws you in.

I was standing there with my mouth open, eyes following her slowly disappearing figure, but I couldn’t move. I stared at the stairs thinking I should probably follow her, introduce myself, get her number…something! Anything! But my feet were glued to the ground.

I missed my chance.

The second time I saw her was only two days later, on a Wednesday morning at 8:15 am. I was standing a bit closer to her thinking maybe I could just accidentally run into her, apologize and use it as an opportunity to introduce myself. It didn’t happen because I got paged and by the time I looked up, she was gone.

Every break I had during that week was spent in the lobby, just hoping I’d see her again.

It didn’t happen...at least not while I was awake.

I dreamed of her every night since Monday but her face was blurry and it frustrated me. Sure, I never saw her up close, however I could easily tell how beautiful she is.

I saw her again next week. This time I just chickened out and didn’t approach her.

Why was she here so often? Did she work in the hospital? Was she visiting someone? If she was, was it her boyfriend?

The thought of her with someone made me depressed and I was losing hope I’d ever get to speak to her.

I watched her come and go like that for three weeks. Then all of a sudden, she stopped showing up. She was just gone. She wasn’t there the fourth week...nor the fifth...and by the sixth I realized she wasn’t returning.

Why did it hurt so much? I never even met her…Why did I miss someone I’ve never met?

I just got off a 48 hour shift but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Plagued by the thought of her I decided to visit my favorite cafe right by the beach.

The sun was just coming up, even when I was drowning in my own frustrations and hardship, the sky remained beautiful. Sunlight filled the sky, pure scattered light illuminating each crevice of the land and in the distance I could hear seagulls waking up as well.

I love this time of the day. The town is just waking up, there aren’t as many people walking around. It was perfect for lonely dreamers like me.

Just when I thought I was never going to feel happiness again I saw her again.

She was sitting at the cafe with a milkshake in her hand. She was facing the sun, eyes closed with a gentle smile on her lips, letting the soft amber glow of the sunrise caress her beautiful face

With breath paused in my lungs, I wished time would halt.

She opened her (Y/E/C) eyes and noticed me staring immediately. She blinked and the beauty of her eyes was momentarily covered by the shield of her eyelashes; naturally long and soft looking without a trace of make up.

I walk right up to her and sit at the table in the chair across from her. I wasn’t afraid of approaching her anymore. I was a lot more afraid of never seeing her again. This girl felt like a dash of spring in my dark days and I needed to know her.

At any cost.

She didn’t react when she saw me take a seat but I could tell she was curious.

“Hi.” I manage to say. I hide my shaking hands under the table. I don’t want her to know how nervous I truly am.

“Hi” she responds, that beautiful smile graces her lips once more.

“I know this is weird, me just walking up to you at 6 am on this beautiful sunny day, but I had to meet you.” I blurt out.

Shit, she’s probably going to think I’m a crazy stalker now.

Thankfully, she gives me a smile that seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpected warmth rushes through me.

“That’s okay. I like weird people. Usually they’re the one with the most interesting stories to tell.” I return her smile and decide this was probably a good time to tell her my name.

“I’m Ethan.”

“Y/N.” Wow, even her name was beautiful.

We started talking and never stopped. I was so comfortable around her which never happened with other people. She was the type that made you feel like you were the only person in the world that mattered.

I was flying high, living on cloud nine.

That day was only the beginning. We’d talk all the time. I used every chance I could to see her. I was addicted. It was like she was my own personal brand of heroin and no matter how much I take, it was never nearly enough. The chemistry between us was amazing.

Whenever we got together and talked it was as if we had a language of our own. It felt as if she spoke the same language as I, yet no other was able. I didn’t feel alone anymore as  before. I always had a feeling of being isolated, in a windowless room, in a door-less room… and then suddenly she walked in as if strolling over a summer meadow. She became my sunshine, a breath of life, my medicine.

Three months later, I still didn’t make my move. I didn’t mind, mostly because I didn’t want to scare her off or overwhelm her. We were supposed to go out tonight but she called and said she wasn’t feeling well.

I might not be her boyfriend (YET) but I was her friend. I bought some chicken soup and a lemonade and headed to her place.

I knocked three times and the door swung open. I expected to see her beautiful face, but I was met with a middle-aged woman’s face instead. Just by looking at her I knew she was related to her. Probably her mother.

I tried explaining who I was to her and gave her the things I bought. I begged to see her daughter, even for a minute, but she turned me away.

I was so worried about her that night. I called and texted, but she never responded.

In the morning I got a text:

I don’t want to see you or hear from you. We’re no longer friends. Forget this number.

Where did this come from? Where did I go wrong?

I tried visiting every day for two weeks but I was sent packing each time. She never took my calls, never replied to my messages.This loneliness was a vice on my heart, squeezing with just enough pressure to be a constant pain. It killed me every day just a little bit more, taking what was once my inner light, my sun and replacing it with a darkness that overshadows each moment.

I needed an explanation! Anything!

I went to her place and her mother opened the door again. She sighed and shook her head slowly. I could tell she felt sorry for me. It was written all over her face.

“I’m sorry Ethan, she doesn’t want to see you. I think it’s time for you to move on. This isn’t healthy.” She says gently almost as if she saw just how broken I already was and didn’t want to add onto the damage.

“I can’t move on ‘till she talks to me. I need a reason! Tell her I’m not leaving until she gives me an explanation. I’m going to sit here, right at your doorstep until she comes out. If she really doesn’t want me here, I need to hear it from her.” I insisted, no longer willing to play by her rules.

I stayed true to my word. I didn’t leave. Not when the rain started. Not when I had to pee. Not when I got hungry. Not even when the darkness of the night engulfed me.

Somewhere around 3 am the door finally opened. I jumped up like an eager dog when their owner cane home.

There she was.

My beautiful Y/N.

Just by looking at her I could tell why she refused to see me. I was a doctor, I’d know something was up immediately. She was pale, her eyes sunken without their usual glow. She was skinny...too skinny. She looked fragile, like a gush of wind could cause her to crumble.

“Hi”, she says, her voice weak and hoarse.

“Hi” I respond quietly. I was still shocked to see her like that. She was a shadow of her former self.

Without a second though I take a step forward and engulf her in my arms causing her to break down. I pick her up like she was a little child and use my foot to shut the front door. Sitting on the red couch, she wrapped herself around me and cried. I cried with her the entire night till she exhausted herself and fell asleep in my arms. Soon I followed suit.

In the morning she finally opened up to me. It was excruciating, but I need to hear it.

“It’s cancer. Stage four. It started in my thyroid and spread everywhere. They can’t do much.”

She starts, her breathing shallow and fast…I knew it was a sign her lungs were affected as well.

“They diagnosed me almost 5 months ago in the same hospital you work at. I spent a few weeks doing tests only to get a terminal diagnosis. I don’t have long...the past month...it really started to take its toll on me.”

“You knew about it when we met and yet you kept it from me? ” I murmur trying not to sound too offended but probably failing completely.

“Just a moment before we met, before I opened my eyes and saw you, I wished for something good to happen to me. One last good thing. I opened my eyes and there you were.” She answers with a small smile and a twinkle in her eyes.

“I didn’t want to ruin everything by telling you. I didn’t want you to treat me any differently or pity me. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I wanted to be happy and make you happy as well.”

“I wouldn’t treat you differently”, I start but she cuts me off.

“That’s a lie and you know it Ethan. I see it in your eyes. You’re afraid to even yell at me for cutting you out of my life when you and I both know you’d be screaming at me if I was healthy!” She raises her voice a bit but it caused her to cough.

“Why did you cut me out? Do you know how much pain you’ve put me through?” I question, my hands weaving into her hair.

“We got close. Too close. I was getting worse and I’m definitely not going to get better...ever. It would hurt you a lot more to watch me wither away, bit by bit. So I let you go, but you’re too stubborn to leave.”

“Hell yeah we got close! I fell for you even before we met. I saw you at the hospital and my life hasn’t been the same since. You weren’t doing me any favors by disappearing on me! Why did you let me In last night?” I was yelling now. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s inevitable.

She just smiled and took my hand in hers. “Now you sound like a creepy stalker…just a bit.”

I shake my head. “Why did you let me in?”

“Because I’m weak and selfish. I missed you. I needed you.” She shrugs.

“Contrary to what you think, I just wanted to protect you. I’m a grenade Ethan. I’m going to blow any day now and when that happens, everything in my proximity will be annihilated. You’re the closest one to the blast zone and I had to get you out. I didn’t want you to suffer.” She says and wipes away tears that started to spill from her eyes.

“You do realize that no matter what you say or do it does not in any way, shape or form, lessen what I feel for you. I love you (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N). I’ve loved you from the start and I’ll love you for as long as I live.” I confess.

“I’ll be with you till the end and no matter what you say or do, I’m not going to leave you. Ever.”

“I love you too Ethan Grant Dolan, so damn much.” She says and moves closer to me.

I couldn’t wait any longer so I cupped her face and connected my lips with hers in a kiss that would be our beginning and my ultimate doom.

It was four months since our first kiss. In my mind I knew she was getting progressively worse, but my heart still had so much stubborn hope.

I’ll always remember the day I lost her.

We were dancing in the kitchen. I put her feet on my own and held her in my arms because I knew she was too weak to do it herself. Her exact last words to me were: „This is perfect…You are perfect.“

I remember her laughing in spite the pain she felt, her kiss that held so much love I have never felt before. I remember her hair that smelled like lilies and I remember the moment she started to suffocate when her lungs finally gave out.

I raced her to the E.R. and they intubated her. Soon after her body gave out completely and the only thing that kept her alive were all the tubes and wires and machines. I knew her choice was never to be left on life support and she left a DNR. They turned the machines off and I held her in my arms.

I stayed true to my world. I stayed with her till the very last breath she took, until the very last beat of her heart, and the very last synapse in her brain died. I kept repeating ‘I love you’ to make sure the last thing she heard is how much love she evoked in the world she’s leaving behind.

She’s been gone for ten years now, but I’ve never felt alone.

In a way she’s still here with me. I see her in every sunrise and every sunset, in every star and every flower. I feel her in every raindrop and hear her whispers in every gust of wind.

She’s still in my dreams from time to time as well.

“Sunshine, I still love you. Till my last breath, remember?” I carefully put a white lily on her grave with a heavy heart and walk away.

Grayson is waiting by the car with his wife and the moment I got there they both hug me tightly.

I look back at her grave underneath a willow tree and smile.

She taught me how to love and showed me what it truly means to be loved. She taught me the meaning of life, gave me hope, faith and above all...happiness.

Life is an unwritten book. You get to be the star of your own story, crafting it day by day, interacting with loved ones who are the stars of their own stories too. As we all travel the pages, it is our connections that make the tale worth telling.

I made a connection with a real life angel and I’ve never had any regrets. I got to spend 9 and a half months of utter happiness with her and it was worth all the pain that came right after. I know I’ll see her again.

Till death do us apart doesn’t apply to us.

Soulmates always find their way back to each other.

#ethan dolan #ethan dolan fanfic #ethan dolan imagine #dolan twins #dolan twins fanfic #ethan dolan sad #ethan dolan angst #sleeping at last #saturn #always #doctor ethan #ethan dolan x reader

[kalimuses]

charles is the first to question it. he’d always had a suspicious mind and flight risk tendencies. she loved him, he posed, almost immediately accepting the idea blamelessly while the others bickered. malia’s lip curled into a soft involuntary snarl. the calmness of his tone when talking about what felt so surely like treason to her, setting off the primal creature inside of her. it wasn’t until now that malia had begin to see a likeness in her father figure and foxx. both careless and noncommital to pain, her sister on a biological level and the vampire after lifetimes of suppression. they were both relishers, capable of selfishness and harm without intention, but malia knew that charles came and went. foxx was not charles, she’d been a constant. she wouldn’t leave– but taken? she could be taken. zelda had already begun attempting to track them via a spell, but sometimes malia thinks her mother forgets that she is not a housepet. her wolf was not just a monthly pain in the ass that occassionally wrecked the house and shed on the furniture. she was made to track, and would follow a sent from one side of the country to the other if she had to, especially in search of foxx. she huffed a sharp breath from her nostriles, pushing herself abruplty from the table. she threw her jacket down carelessly by the back door, slipping her shoes off in a fluid motion. noah should’ve suspected what she was doing, perhaps he did– when she didn’t come to him in search of comfort, preferring the coldness of the washington winter to their own bed. she’d barely had enough time to remove the rest of her clothes before her bones begun to snap and reform, knocking the breath out of her. 

it didn’t hurt anymore, not like when she was a child. the first turn was always the worst, but now it just seemed to itch as her pain tolerance grew to meet her genetics. she was a werewolf, she was always born for this, her body knew that much. her first shift had taken hours, the broken bones setting before they could reform and having to break and break and break again. skin ripping and regenerating rather than stretching and accomodating. it took time to trust the pain, to know that your body could withstand it and will yourself not to heal. now it happened so quickly, she’d never even thought to time it. she couldn’t feel the cold anymore, not through the thickness of her pelt as her pitch black form slunk into the tree line, following the strong sent of the hunter- no longer brodie, to a discarded sweater before doubling back. he knew she’d been sniffing him out, he’d left her a fake.

the hunter had underestimed the symbiotic nature of what malia was, estimating that the animal in her would be too enamoured with scents to use human sense and thought. she might’ve missed it under other circumstances as she paced the boundaries of the woods towards the little town. zelda’s perfume and charles’s cologne was so strong it made her sneeze and rub her snout into the dirt to stop the tingles it caused with its saturation. it wouldn’t be uncommon, the two walked this way often. but the scent was unbelievably strong, masking another, and no matter how deeply she inhaled, analysing the tones over and over, she couldn’t identify the sickly sweet rot from charles that should be there. with that, she knew she had found the right trail.

it was dangerous, to enter the parameters of town in this form, no matter the time of night but she did so, ignoring the nagging scold that was a placeholder for what the others would say. her pack was down a member, and she would come for any of them, but foxx? especially foxx, always. she didn’t know how to protect herself like the others did. she was good and he’d taken advantage of that to steal her out from under her home. outside the hairdresser, glass glittered over the ashphalt from a shattered window and the perfume trail begun to dull dramatically. they couldn’t have gotten far, the hunter was strong and fast, but ultimately human. with only an hour headstart, he could drive all night and it wouldn’t matter. she would catch him. she heard a false howl in the direction of home, vocal chords trying their hardest to cry out to her and she knew that her absense had been noted. she wasn’t prowling the woods frustrated, letting off steam as they bickered, she was hunting far from the nest. the sound came again as her ear rotated at the call, though they lacked the ability, she could hear the somber desperation. a low whine snuck from between her clenched jaws when she identified the noise as zelda. her alpha was calling her home. head lowered with shame, she followed in the direction the car car had left. she would ask for her pardons when she came back with foxx, zelda would like that. she’d even wipe the blood away before she came into the house.

it was a long night, with varying levels of frustration and even her legs begun to tire. the scent had almost been lost until a fortunate gas stop had given her new bearings. he had limited places to go and he certainly wasn’t about to take a pixie home to his family, nor could they blend in among the population with ease. a hulking man with someone as small as foxx turned heads, he knew that. she faltered in her long quick strides for a moment, heart thumping wildly as she panted for more air. malia would’ve smelt death if he’d already harmed foxx, surely. but doubts begun to worm into her brain. she’d assumed the hunter had only wanted to escape, but men like him learned to die young. he must’ve known it was likely his life would one day end at the tip of somethings teeth. if he wasn’t running to live, perhaps he’d just finished what he could of his mission. the though ached like a bullet to the gut and made her ears drop back flat against her skull with concern.

zelda and charles had fostered her like their own, parented her and given her a safe place to grow after the decimation of her pack. they had given her mostly everything a child needed, but it had been foxx to ease her animalistic loneliness. using her powers to shift along side her, to hunt and play. though malia had to be gentle, they had wrestled and loved one another like true packmates. with the care she’d been given, she had gotten another family. but with foxx, she had been given back part of her identity that the others couldn’t relate ease. a wolf all alone in the world would never thrive, she needed others and even foxx’s gesture had meant more than she could ever express. malia had never minded when foxx was true to her small form, she knew how exhausting it could be to appear larger over time, just as the pixie had never minded her animalistic company, knowing how confined malia often felt in her human skin. if he’d harmed her sister, she’d ensure he lived as she stripped the skin and muscle from his bones, he would hear them crack and snap between her teeth until he couldn’t last another second. the wolf in her wished to go for the throat, simple and fast. but it was the supposedly civilised part of her mind that knew she’d make him suffer.

the sun was rising and she was beginning to feel the ache of the miles in her bones when the muddied tire tracks begun to lead off road, down a barely noticable, neck snapping driveway. every hair one her body stood stiff as she followed down the steep narrow path, nose the ground to ensure he hadn’t been mislead. she could carry foxx home when this was all over, she didn’t need much rest, just a little while off of her paws and they could go home. the relief she felt knowing she’d found them would be nothing next to her friends arms wound around her neck, when she was safe and sound was time for celebration. the house was nothing much, very similar to something that zelda and charles might’ve found, hard to notice and worn through. but the smell was strong now, barely masked anymore. her tongue lapped over her snarling teeth, her claws inches long and digging deeply into the dirt as she wiggled on the spot, debating whether to barge in or not. she decided against it, instead letting out a deafening howl, a deep and petrifying noise that made her sound as tall as a mountain when she bellowed.

her shoulders sat at five and half feet, making her easily as tall as almost any man on all fours. eyes a bright and burning amber, fixated on the door as if she could make him appear. her teeth sat like short daggers inbetween jaws that closed with the pressure of a car being dropped on top of you. a frightening beast, the human stood no real chance without his fancy tricks. he was welcome to try, she had always enjoyed a good chase. a face peeked out from behind the thick wooden frame that opened, and the harsh rumbling snarl eased at the sight of her, though quickly reappeared with vigor as brodie followed her out. the sun set the sky a pinkish red as it rose, part of her thought it fitting all things considered. foxx seemed surprised to see her, not in a ‘thank you for stopping him from killing me’ sort of way, just the joy of spotting a friend she hadn’t expected to encounter. the hunter looked calmer than she liked, causing her lip to curl more harshly and rumbling to get louder as she gnashed her teeth in his direction.

it took almost a full minute for it to sink in that charles had been right as she observed them. foxx had gone willingly. she had left them to go with the one who had plotted for months to have them killed, her included. she had tracked them to what must be oregon by now, to find someone that had abandoned her to be with a killer of their kind. she expected her body to crumple and dip with sadness, wanting to be small and tucked in around herself but rage engulfed the pain of the realisation as she swung her eyes from him to her, not dropping the hackled growl. she knew she’d never bring herself to lunge, she couldn’t. not even though this treason made the alpha in her blood boil inside of her veins. she couldn’t harm them, maybe wouldn’t– who knew, but she made it clear that the seperation of pack was noted and etched upon them. foxx’s smiled crumpled to confusion, the closest she’d come to hurt she’d seen on her features with her own eyes. if time had been given, an explanation offered, though she would’ve hurt, she may’ve understood. probably even accepted forgiveness from the pixie came easier than it did for the rest of them, not only for the love she bore him but for who and what she was. she could’ve learned to accept it for her friend. but foxx had abandoned her and the only thing malia chased after was prey. foxx was presently neither food nor family. charles had been right and she would return home as the disobedient daughter without even foxx to show for it. her eyes shifted back to brodie once more as she snapped in his direction before turning.

#malia #foxx #au: foxx and brodie run away #drabble

[ladyreneeboulanger92]

I Will Try-Chp 8

Kylo/Ben X Rey

Warnings: Just fluff and a little angst

Also on Ao3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/13116915/chapters/30781842

Summary:

Everything changes, it's time for them to choose. Trust one another or not.

Notes:

This one took me a while to get edited, I kept having too many feels... It's a little longer and we're getting closer to bringing the story back to the present. Hope you all enjoy it, the fluff, the angst, wallow in your feels so I won't be alone lol Keep up the feedback guys, I love it!

P.S. This chapter has now been edited. Thanks again for all the support, leave me that feedback!

Panic ripped through the bond causing Rey to shoot up to her feet and immediately grasp her staff in her hands at the ready. The room was vacant though it pulsed with fear and anxiety. With startling clarity she realized that the panic slicing at her in overwhelming waves was not her own. Ben...

With little more than a thought this time, Rey was the one who followed the bond. Ben's surroundings were blurred when they came into view and his back was to her as he barked orders to several scrambling figures. The anxiety emanating from him made the room shift in and out of focus. "You," he hissed with lethal calm, turning on the nearest man who froze in his tracks and snapped to attention before he replied, "Yes, Supreme Leader."

This was Kylo Ren before her now speaking in a cold, harsh tone, not her quiet, warm Ben. He glided forward his cape trailing behind and the man's hands started to shake. "Did General Hux not think it pertinent to inform me of his plans?", Kylo drawled dangerously pacing about the room as he surveyed the flashing screens. His gait was that of a predator silently considering it's prey. To his credit, the man's voice didn't waver even as his hands continued their tremors and he answered, "The General's orders were not to disturb you until he had verified the intel...", he added with a small nod, "Supreme Leader."

Kylo stopped his pacing whipping around to examine a transmission that had come through. Rey could feel how fragile the veneer of his demeanor was as his eyes darted over the words, ready to crack at any moment as he struggled to maintain his expression of cool detachment. His head tilted slightly in her direction as she shifted and felt him reach out through the bond upon noticing her presence. The haze cleared as he took a deep breath bringing the room into sharper focus. The bank of computer screens was lined with technicians attempting to work without drawing particular attention to themselves.

------------

Squaring his shoulders as he turned back to the still at attention man, Kylo spoke in a artfully menacing tone, "Where does the intel suggest that the Rebels are holed up?" Fingers worked frantically pressing buttons and checking transmissions before the man who was unfortunate enough to be in charge announced a system and planet. At the words Ben turned away putting his back to the others and looked Rey in the eye begging without speaking.

Rey's eyes flickered with recognition as she realized what he'd just done and shook her head gently side to side mouthing 'no'. Ben's knees threatened to give out with the rush of relief that flooded him. Thankfully everyone in the room was still attempting to remain inconspicuous and didn't notice the change in his countenance. Her eyes welled up with tears that threatened to spill and he wanted nothing more than to go to her, hold her, tell her everything would be alright but he had to take care of this first.

His jaw flexed almost imperceptibly before he slid the careful mask back into place and ordered his men to notify him immediately upon the General's return. Feeling Rey retreat to her own consciousness as he did so, Ben strode from the room. This was a dangerous game to play, trying to keep the enemy safe just for her sake but there was no way he was letting Hux get his hands on her. That man was out for blood and he wouldn't care that Ben was the new Supreme Leader. If he found the last of the Resistance, he'd crush them.

------------

Rey trembled standing back in her own room as she stared up at the ceiling taking measured breathes in an attempt to choke down the tears that threatened. When she had it under control, Rey sent a quick message detailing that false intel had been given to the First Order about their base of operations and any allies in the area should evacuate immediately. The only explanation she gave was 'the force' before shutting off the data pad and retreating to her bed once more. Curling into the mattress, she tried to focus but it felt too empty, too cold laying there alone.

The implications were swirling through her head at light speed. Giving her no time to latch onto a single thought. Sleeping near one another, especially when they weren't really there, was one thing but this... He'd actively protected her and the Resistance against his own forces. That fear he'd felt was still a harsh tang in her mouth that she couldn't seem to swallow down. It was real, he didn't want them to find her. Could she trust him enough to go to him again, to put the other rebels at risk and bring him back? This was all too complicated Rey thought as she buried her face in her pillow and groaned.

-------------

Ben marched back to his quarters as quickly as he dared without raising suspicion, though most people averted their eyes as he passed on principle and made it a point not to notice him. The most he could manage was to let the door slide closed behind him before he crumpled to the ground, his legs no longer able to hold the weight of all his sins. Silent tears trailed down his cheeks and he tasted their salt on his lips. This was impossible, eventually the First Order would find the rebels and slaughter them all including Rey unless he did something. What though?

The idea of them hurting her, of her light going out, sent rage coursing through him and he let out a strangled cry as he bolted to his feet slamming his fist into the adjacent wall. Durasteel buckled leaving an imprint where he struck it again and again. Bellowing as darkness twisted within him. He lashed out one last time and the lights flickered out leaving him in a room lit only by the stars visible through the window that ran the length of it.

Ben didn't flinch as a warm hand lighted on his back, it was as familiar as the sound of his own breath. Just a gentle brush of fingertips through the fabric of his shirt but it made the darkness go still. As if it were waiting, watching, with rapt attention and wonder. Taking the first full breath he'd been able to since hearing of Hux's departure, he struggled to form the words, his voice breaking, "I... I thought they'd found you..."

Forgiveness was something he wasn't naïve enough to think he could ever derserve but suddenly it was so clear to him in this moment that the words seemed to slip out easily, "I've only ever wanted to not be lonely, to belong. I don't feel lonely when I'm with you Rey."

---------------

She felt a thrill at his words, they echoed her own thoughts perfectly. The loneliness had been their constant companion through the years. So much so that neither of them had realized that that's what went away when they were together. How could so much darkness and such rage be tempered by such gentle light. That fire, such passion in him, it drew out her own too. Rey didn't know what to say, how to react to something so big.

She looked past him at the stars winking in the depths of space. Points of light in such vast darkness, they watched as her world realigned to a different gravity. There was so much separating them, light years even but tonight was proof. Everything had changed and she didn't hesitate slipping her arms around his waist from behind and settling her head against his spine. The warmth of him always surprised her somehow. Heartbeats thumped in sync as she embraced him spreading light over him like a thick, warm blanket.

It stirred within the darkness, to hell with stamping that down this time. Ben wasn't lost to the dark, not even close, Rey felt the light and dark begin a dance as she held onto him and they both watched the sparkling ether just outside. His guilt, fear, loneliness, it threatened to drag him back down but Rey pushed against it while pulling him closer. They both felt it then, a balance that stretched between them, around them.

---------------

Half expecting her to run from what he'd said, Ben was surprised once again by the gentleness of a creature so powerful. He didn't pull away but let her embrace him, let her acceptance wash over him. Maybe nothing could take away all the terrible things he'd done but for now this was something purely good. This balance was like truly breathing for the first time in his life. Light and dark somehow mated in perfect unity.

Ben shuddered as the weight of it all lessened releasing him from that iron grasp of guilt and pain. Keeping a hand in contact with him as she did, Rey moved around to look up into his eyes. He was arrested by how beautiful she was in such simple ways. Rey reached up and traced along his jaw with her thumb, then settled her open palm against his cheek. His head tilted into her touch, so gentle and warm. He'd never felt anything like this, knowing right where you belong.

When she spoke softly, barely a whisper, "Come to me." Ben wondered for a moment if he'd heard correct. Then her mind opened to him showing where she was. The image was distant but clear, the resistance's base. She was trusting him with this knowledge, with all of their lives. His heart raced at the thought of being where she was finally. It was time for him to leave. To go to the only person who really understood. He'd pay whatever consequences there were for this chance.

#reylo #kylo x rey #ben x rey #reylo fic #reylo fanfiction #rey #kylo ren/ben solo #star wars #star wars fanfiction #ladyreneeboulanger92 #fanfic #kylo ren #ben solo #star wars fic

[oldmonstermusings]

This poem reminds me of us. Has, maybe, put into words what I haven’t been able to say for years. Our relationship was not always closed. There was a time we were open. 

I remember growing up with you caring for me, big sister. You sang to me that time I got surgery. I remember that pretty vividly, actually. Wrote about it in a few other stories I made. Sometimes, you protected me from mom or bullies. We made mud pies a lot when I was a child. My favorite times were when we would celebrate holiday traditions together. 

Believe it or not, but there was a time in my life where I idolized you. I thought of you as this can do no wrong, beautiful being. I never told you, but, sometimes, people would bully me and call me ugly and compare me to you. They would remark how you were the beautiful sister and I, the ugly one. I was never phased by their words. I would actually agree. You are beautiful. I loved you. When you talked over me, I let you. Surely, your words were more important. If something had to happen, I’d hoped it’d happen to me. Surely, your existence was so much more necessary than mine. I showed you deference. 

I remember when you taught me photography. It was because you needed a hand, but it was maybe one of the first activities we had done together in so long. Maybe you think I hate it, but, in actuality, it is a gift that I will always treasure. 

If you call me, you know I will drop everything for you. Still. Even after everything. If you ask, I will indulge (spoil, enable) you. Still. Even after everything. 

A nine-year difference is a bit of a bitxh I have learned.

Our relationship changed--multiple times. Each with a resounding closed door. 

When you went to high school, you were busy. Most always, it seemed. It seemed like I came second to your friends. I don’t remember us--you--making time for me. But, in your defense, mom made you the second parent. You were only trying to finally live, have a childhood. I’m upset. I felt like I lost you. 

Before I went to high school, I met a man. I was 12. He was 21. When you noticed our “friendship”, you showed me attention. tbh, everyone did. (By then, I had been through a lot. I wasn’t dumb. Not in that way. I was cruel. I treated this man as a distraction, a convenient plaything. I didn’t love him. I was only using him for a year until I entered high school. The ending of our “friendship” meant nothing to me.) I put on an act to pump up the attention on me. I pretended I loved him. And missed him. I loved it. (I missed it. I missed the connections with my family. I wanted them back. I was so lonely. I just wanted to be noticed.) When you (and then everyone), found out I had snuck him in the house, multiple times, you cried so hard. Made such a scene. I instinctively felt bad. Maybe cause I made you cry like ugly cry. I felt bad too, I suppose. I betrayed the trust of everyone in my family, but I was lonely. I thought I was doing this right (do something bad, family pays attention, problem solved). I thought after this incident my family would aim to meet me in my loneliness and be with me more. Instead my family distanced themselves from me, I didn’t lose anything so much as my family thought I was a dirty liar and backstabber and rebel instead of focusing on the fact I was lonely and “troubled.” I didn’t get attention or help or even therapy. I got nasty and hurt looks. Silence. I got blamed for this, turned into the villain, instead of being seen as I was: a lonely, hurt, individual asking for help. (My actually asking of help went unanswered too btw). 

You told me a few years later how when you first came back from college, you noticed I changed. I was demure, quiet, introvert, sad. You mention, “I didn;t know how to connect with you. It was a stark change. (It wasn’t.) So, I left you alone.” You never reached out. What I was exhibiting were signs of trauma. I had lost a lot. But you hardly visited, hardly hung out with me, and so when we started speaking different languages, I didn’t know how to connect to you.

When I was in junior year, you moved back in. Gradually, you became like our mother. You are, to some degree, a narrcisstic sociopath. I could tell because without prompting you would announce yourself as the best, favorite, number 1. You would lord it over me. You began to make unprompted and unwanted comments on my life--one in which you know nothing about nor deign to listen or care about. The comments were (are) degrading: the way I dress displeases you because I will never met a guy looking like that--unkept, no makeup, hairy legs and arms and crotch, long toenails, wearing men’s clothing, wearing loose clothing, having acne; the way I never help around the house displeases you because it just proves that I’m spoiled, lazy, a waste of space, slow, no purpose; the way I needed a job because I can’t live off our parents forever, followed by, mooch, freeloader; (And when I got myself a job, oh then I needed a real job at 16. I needed something that would get me out of the house everyday, work long hours, etc. Some arbitrary bullshxt.), the way I express myself displeases you because I just haven’t met the right people yet--the people who will make me straight again, less “confused”, be “real” with me, won’t take “advantage” of me, will repeatedly beat me down with how I need to get my shxt together; the way I live displeases you because you wish that I would grow up--mature, be a functioning human who stops faking their mental illnesses, who gets out of the house, stops talking in a whiny voice, who goes to therapy because they’re the only ones with major issues, learns to drive, loses weight, gets a job, and moves out. You also, like mother, have her temper and violence. If I talk back or don’t, If I am guilty or innocent, you tell at me, deny my truth, chase me, hunt me, and hit me. You traumatized me, and still, I forget it counts as trauma. 

You told me once that I would never be your maid-of-honor. Truthfully, it did hurt. I thought we would somehow become close again. I don’t know you. I don’t care for you. I don’t remember what it is like to have a sister. 

You told me once that no one gives a flying fuckabout me being queer, and that I need to stop shoving my homosexuality down your thoart. I was shocked, more angry though. I hate hypocrites. Y’know what you did after that? You ordered chick-fil-a, booked tickets to a local drag show, bought some pride gear for pride so people would think you’re all for equality, and watched rupaul’s drag race that evening. You love queerness. You “love the gays”. Except when it’s me, your “sibling”, then it’s toxic, nasty, my sex life is taboo, I’m not good enough for women or there’s something wrong with them to like me, or I’m too fat and I can’t keep up with people I like. I’m sorry I ruin your chance at normalcy. I’m not actually sorry. 

When I was in college and you worked close, you would never offer to give me a ride. You only give me rides if it’s convenient for you and/or I can pay you for the gas. Usually, you tell me to ride the bus because you had to. I remember the day it stormed and rained so hard, no one was out on the street, and still you wouldn’t give me a ride. It was dark, I get lost. It took me three hours to get home. I came home soaking wet. I rode the bus like that, the subway, and the walk home. Sometimes, I forget how easily you will abandon me. 

I joined the sorority for your approval. To finally get it. To finally have you approve of something I did in my life for once, and also to stop your constant harassment. I liked it at first. But, I wasted so much money. It may disappoint you, but I’m glad Ieft. 

Every Christmas, you don’t listen but somehow you usually get me the most thoughtful gifts. I appreciate the things we’ve done, but I also remember that I keep you at arm’s length. 

I’m still learning to forgive myself, I wish someone had told me that everything I did for approval, for validation, for calming the storm would never be enough for the wrong person/people. I have murdered myself trying to do right by people who will never see, know, me and my work and my love. 

I worry a lot about the kids you will bring into this world--ones you are incapable of raising. I worry what trauma you’ll inflict on them as you inflicted on me. But maybe, you will treat them better. Maybe they will be normal, and so they will be loved. 

My mom told us that she made sure to have two children, so that we would not grow up lonely like her--the only child. She said we have to take car of each other and depend on each other. I don’t think she understand how impossible that is. I have many siblings in my chosen family. Friends, hyenas, who love and have continued to love me so much better than my sister. What was the point of two children if I still grew up lonely? My chosen family is all that I need.

#sister #poem #musings #writing #trauma #trigger