#dc comics you better fucking hire me like god

[lustwithoutlore]

Bruce: I'm retiring. Someone will need to fill my place.

Dick:

Tim:

Jason:

Barbara:

Duke:

Damian:

Stephanie, launching into a dramatic monologue: There comes a time when one has to step up and do what is right. Gotham needs a Batman, I will heed the call-

Bruce: Uh, Dick, how about you? You've been Batman before.

Stephanie: HEY!

Dick: Um.... I'll pass, thanks, Bruce.

Stephanie: No matter. I will become the beacon of hope this city needs. I will-

Bruce: Tim! You'll one day be an even better detective than me. You'd be a perfect Batman.

Jason, muttering: Over my dead body. Hey, wait...

Stephanie: DON'T IGNORE ME!

Tim: I'm already a better detective than you. And, if I had to take on anyone's mantle, I would pick Nightwing.

Dick, tearing up: Awww, Tim!

Stephanie: Again, it leaves me as the only option. The underbelly of Gotham City needs a figure to invoke fear, and I vow to be that figure-

Bruce: What about you, Damian? You've fought over the title of Batman many times!

Stephanie: YOU JERK!

Damian: Yeah, when I was twelve. I'm not a child anymore. I would rather be Nightwing.

Dick, sobbing: The both of you want my mantle? How will I choose a successor? This is getting to be too much. Babs, catch me!

Stephanie: I will fight for vengeance. No, I am vengeance. I will bring upon a dark reign that will be unleashed whenever a force threatens my city. For I am-

Cass, appearing out of the shadows: I will do it.

Bruce, happy because Cass was actually his first pick: Oh thank God.

Cass: But only if Steph is, too. We are Batgirl together. We will be The Bat together.

Stephanie: HA! YES! CASS YOU'RE THE BEST! I'M BATMAN!

Bruce: ... Actually, Stephanie, your words from before moved me. I've decided to be Batman for a while longer.

Stephanie: NOOOO! I was so close!

Cass, patting her back: There, there.

Dick: That's it! Tim, Damian! You can both be Nightwing! If Cass and Steph can be The Bat at the same time you guys can both take up my mantle one day, too!

Tim:

Damian:

Tim & Damian: ... I'll pass.

Dick: NOOOO! I was so close!

Barbara, patting his back: There, there.

#stephanie would actually be a good batman if dc sets it up right #i might make a post about it because i feel like no one talks about it #cass though is totally bruce's ideal successor #if anyone thinks differently ur just sexist #nah jk u may not be sexist but you ARE wrong #tim and damian both as nightwing is atually a genius idea #dc comics you better fucking hire me like god #the comedy would be unmatched #the arrogance would also be unmatched #most of the fight scenes would be between tim and damian #even when they're mid-battle they'd bicker with each other #batfamily #batman #jason todd #red hood #batfam #tim drake #bruce wayne #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #dick grayson #duke thomas #damian wayne #batgirl #spoiler dc #signal dc #batman and robin #alfred pennyworth #nightwing #dc robin

[ihassheepquake]

DC's Stargirl 3.03 "Chapter Three: The Blackmail" has aired on the CW and I'm here to talk about it.

Oh my god someone was walking a pig on a leash. So cute!

I still feel like this isn't the real Sylvester and he's trying to stir up some drama with the team.

The crocks just showing up in the Whitmore-Dugan home at random is so funny to me.

So good old Uncle Matt Tyler is gone, which isn't exactly surprising. Considering Rick kinda did beat the shit out of him last season. Granted, it wasn't entirely Rick's fault, and the uncle deserved it.

Cindy trying to help out the team anonymously from a distance is an interesting but I think brilliant choice from the creative team. Obviously, Yolanda and Rick aren't warming up to her any time, Beth and Courtney are more willing but still cautious (which is reasonable), and Cindy knows that. So she's chosen a different strength to play to while still helping out. I'm proud of her. I really do think after her experience with Courtney in the Shadowlands last season she really wants to be better and do some good. And if she can get some answers about her dad and her past while she's at it, who can say that's a bad thing.

Barbara and Paula's newfound friendship is my favourite subplot of this season. Paula very clearly meeting Tim and being like "I'll kill him for you" is amazing.

Look at Zeek coming in with some solid life advice!

Fun fact, Irwin Hasen was an artist in the original Alan Scott Green Lantern comics in the 40s and was the artist behind Wildcat! I believe he also did some work on early Flash comics. Fun little Easter egg for the fans with comic knowledge or who like to google every name drop (which is what I do).

I really wanna see Rick and Cameron fight this season. I think that'd be fun. And I like Rick standing up for this teacher! Even if it's mostly an excuse to fight Cameron (which it may or may not be, who knows). I believe this was the teacher he was having a lot of problems with last season and it's nice to see a little growth from him there.

Well shit Cindy, why you gotta come start-up drama with Sylvester. I do like to see her starting trouble though. Kinda wish she's replied to his "I'm Starman" with a "you were Starman." That'd have been fun.

Now, why does he have to come to fight them in a grocery store of all places? Have some tact! Who looks like the bad guy now? I do love me some teamwork, and you can really feel how Lawrence and Paula have been fighting together for years. Their dynamic feels very clear and defined. They don't have to talk, they know each other's moves and can play off each other really well. It's honestly some of the best teamwork we've seen in an Arrowverse show in terms of how natural it feels.

Another reason to think that this either isn't the real Sylvester or Sylvester was not the kind of guy who should be a hero, he comes out of the store looking like a crazy killer. He's not just going to beat them into submission, he's going to kill them. I'm normally a big believer that yes, more comic villains need to be killed already and it's a problem that they're left alive. However, I don't think either Lawrence or Paula qualifies for that.

Pat Dugan is so under-fucking-rated. Absolutely incredible man. The definition of a good father and a good man.

Thank you for saying it Cindy, Sylvester is super an ass.

On one hand, this Courtney & Cameron reunion is kinda cute. On the other, Courtney deserves so much better.

Paula is so fucking creepy when she wants to be and I love it.

Our first look at Mr Bones! Or perhaps a second person he hired to do his dirty work, but still!

Starman dead again? I'd support it!

Well, what an ending! Things are in motion, that's for sure. And of course, the little teaser for next week looks like Cameron is about to become a much bigger player. We'll just have to wait and see for next week with DC's Stargirl 3.04 "Chapter Four: The Evidence".

#stargirl cw #stargirl (dctv) #courtney whitmore #yolanda montez #rick tyler #beth chapel #pat dugan #cindy burman #barbara whitmore #mike dugan #lawrence crock #paula brooks #artemis crock #cameron mahkent #sylvester pemberton #stargirl #wildcat #hourman #dr midnite #s.t.r.i.p.e. #shiv #sportsmaster #tigress #artemis #icicle jr #starman #sheep talks superheroes

[yesthebatmanme]

Oh god, Batman: Hush: flim was so   kinda disappointing.  

No Killer Croc.  No Oracle.  No Huntress.  No Jason Todd/Clayface.  No Thomas Elliot really being Hush.  No Leslie Thompkins.  No retired Jim Gordon.  No Ra’s Alghul.  No Talia Alghul.  No Harlod Allnut. No Tim Drake.  No Krypto.  No President Luthor.   Superman’s lack of role in the Hush storyline.  

Batman vs Superman kinda sucked it turned Batman into a brawler instead of a thinking man Jeph Loeb had written him to be during the battle.

I love how some Batman haters believe Superman won though. It cracks me up but no he didn’t win in the comic and he sure as hell didn’t win in the flim.  Superman was holding  back fighting the effects Ivy had on him.    Batman’s plan was stall Superman not to get a win over him or Batman would’ev figured another way to do so when he isn’t holding  back.  The point is both Superman and Batman held back themselves it was never a fight to the death but for Batman to save Superman.  Catwoman helped too ill give her that incase you felt i overlooked or didn’t want to give her the due she deserved by picking Lois for Superman to save to snap him out of Ivy’s control.  

Because of that  despite Superman didn’t approve of the plan to use Lois like that Superman was reminded of  that he gave the Kryptonite Ring to right person who will always find some way to bring Superman back into the light.  Sure they’re more powerful people who can beat Superman but when Superman goes rogue or is controled by someone.  I don’t think of Captain Marvel aka Shazam or  Wonder Woman, but Batman to be the one that knows what to be done.  I liked the line they said to each other.

I love the comic better

Instead we get Superman getting pissed at Batman.

I was so disappointed that scene from the comic didn’t show up at all.

The Batman :Hush as a flim is okay but.....Would i rush out to buy it in two weeks?  Nope but ill be buying  the trade paperback in September.  Maybe in a rainy day ill get Batman :Hush: flim in all due time but not today.  

If Death of Superman can get remade,  so can Batman :Hush: but only one four things that need to happen here.

1.  It needs to be set in the pre-Flashpoint era.

2. They stick to  and honor the source material. I don’t mind alittle changes but come on the Riddler is Hush instead of Thomas Elliot? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit writing here!  

3.  It needs to be a two parter instead of everything being crammed up into one flim.

4. Wishful thinking but i know WB will never do this. Bring Kevin Conroy to voice Batman.  Mark Hamill for the Joker.  George Newbern or Tim Daly for Superman. Jensen Ackles for Todd/Clayface even if it’s a brief moment come on it can’t hurt to do so.  I always felt this storyline was suited for them to lend their voices into the characters  in Batman :Hush:  I know WB won’t do this knowing not everyone is sick and tired of Conroy voicing Batman.  They’re wasting his talent over other crap he doesn’t need to be doing like Justice League Action.  I’m not a huge fan of it i would much prefer  they give him a decent Batman flim.

Added bonus i felt Damian’s disapproval of his dad hooking up with Selina  was kinda funny though.  He like Barbara is wasted in the flim not having much of a role in the flim.  Once Selina is there it’s like everybody is kinda forgotten the Hush flim suddenly turns into a Batman/Catwoman flim instead of Batman solving the case of a new villain who’s entered into his life causing these events  to him.

The people who wrote this flim  need to be fired and never hired ever again. They’re not suited for BatmanInc  or any kind of work.

And DC stop dissing Tim Drake like he don’t matter to anything!

#bruce wayne #batman #batman hush #batman hush spoilers #jim lee

[tessatechaitea]

Wonder Twins #5

Jayna just punched straight through her brother's butthole.

If you're a being who turns into water, your dick and butthole don't just disappear, right? They just become part of the water! So I'm almost certainly correct in my comment on the cover. Hopefully Mark Russell will explore this topic in a future issue. Until then, I'll be certain to tell everybody I know that Jayna basically fisted Zan. Luckily for the Wonder Twins, I don't know many people and also they are fictional characters. This issue is called "Magic and Games." I think. It will probably take me less time to read this entire comic book than it took me to puzzle out the word "Games" in the font used for the title.

Sure, you can see it now that I already told you what it was! But it was difficult before I worked it out! Although I still wouldn't be surprised to learn the title is "Magic and Galljes" or "Magic and "Gaines" and that the second word is somebody's name.

Usually I don't comment on Mark Russell comic books because to comment on a Mark Russell comic book, you should probably be smart and serious. Sure, he's having fun and writing an entertaining book that I can easily use to make jokes about fisting incest! But he also writes sensitive stories about social justice and systemic bias and ethical dilemmas in changing times and, well, other stuff that I'm too dumb to even discuss in the most general terms! He's a smart guy which is why I hate him with a burning passion! But it's a good hate! It's the kind of envious hate that pushes me to my own Emerald Twilight! I probably won't wind up destroying an entire town and ruining my reputation and becoming the most vilified hero in our universe but I almost certainly will eventually become the avenging spirit of God judging everybody around me! Wait, I think I already am that! Whatever my point is, it's that Mark Russell writes good and I'm too weak to not despise him for it. Polly Math has just won first prize at the science fair because her last name is Math. I guess Sandra Science didn't compete this year so Polly was the obvious next choice. Jayna wins second place because her project on fucking hot guys while being a nerd in high school fell apart when the guy she attempted to science fair fuck turned out to be a villain. It's also possible I'm confusing story lines but you have to expect that kind of thing! I'm not spring chicken! Remembering details between chapters that come out a full month apart has been nearly impossible for the last twenty years! I shouldn't make fun of Polly Math's name because I have a name that people always try to make jokes about too. It's not Grunion Guy! You can probably find it if you do even the smallest amount of Internet research! I'm not going to help you though because I don't want to get called a Deaf Chef anymore! Polly is upset that her father is working with Lex Luthor and the League of Annoyance. But Jayna has a plan to fix things! I bet her plan is to turn into a giant tortoise while Zan turns into an ice dildo and...wait a second! Why am I giving out good ideas that Mark Russell will just steal in a few issues?! Better to not speculate on things! Also, I mean, the cover shows Jayna going with the shark plan.

Okay fine! I'm finally interested in Fox News!

The most disturbing thing about people who watch Fox News is that they ignore five hundred other channels that are showing entertaining things on their television at the same time! Who chooses that shit over Comedy Central or the Game Show Network?! I haven't had cable for nearly twenty years and whenever I'm staying somewhere with cable, it's locked on the Game Show Network 24/7! Who the fuck chooses to watch state propaganda over old game shows?! Fucking psychopaths, that's who!

Polly Math's father wound up working with Lex Industries because only Lex Luthor hired African Americans, I guess? Hadn't he heard of STAR Labs?! Maybe Silas Stone and Sarah Charles fulfilled their quota?

I might be misreading this scene but I don't think I am because the white guys with white guys playing golf pictures behind them seem interested in Filo Math if he's Norwegian (so, you know, totally white!) and then when they meet him, they don't want to hire him. It could be that they really are concerned with his specialty! What could that be?! I mean, it can't be any worse than Silas Stone's specialty of turning his son into a cybernetic example of the castration of the black male in America! That's a really terrible specialty! Although Sarah Charles seemed to be pretty into it. See?! This is why I can't review a Mark Russell book! He's making a great point about the systemic bias inherent in corporate hiring practices and I'm not taking it seriously! I mean, he isn't either, really? He's being light-hearted while still making a good point. Which is what I've done, I think, in my comment about Cyborg's lack of a penis! The Scrambler wants to play a trick on society. He's a magician that believes people are frightened of magic and only like the part where everything is normal again. Magician: "Is this your card?" Audience Member: "Why yes! Thank God you picked my card! I was worried I was going to have to live in a world where my card wasn't picked!" Maybe I'm not comprehending his point. Anyway, The Scrambler wants to do a trick where things don't ever go back to normal! He's a monster! Imagine picking the Three of Clubs and nobody ever showing you the Three of Clubs ever again! Ugh, I'm feeling faint. To save Polly's Dad from definite prison time (or possibly, if Superman shows up, an eternity in the Phantom Zone. As if Superman can be bothered with Earth's judicial system! Pshaw!), Jan has challenged the League of Annoyance to a duel at the zoo. I guess if she wants to stress out all of the animals there with a big battle, who am I to judge? I mean other than being the real life version of Hal Jordan's Spectre, of course! At the zoo, Jayna recruits a bunch of Australian animals to help fight which goes as spectacularly as you can imagine it would. And what I mean by that is that a koala is blown to bits. But I guess that's worth it in the grand scheme of getting Polly Math's father to stop working with the League of Annoyance. It's like that philosophical conundrum about an ant that sacrifices its life for even the tiniest amount to better the world. It's just an ant! It practically owes it to the universe to die for nearly nothing! What does this koala bear expect? It should get to live in luxurious confinement at the zoo and not die for a trivial reason? Stupid koala bear. Go fuck yourself, you selfish bastard. The Wonder Twins defeat two out of three of the League of Annoyance members at the expense of just one koala's life and the bruised jaw of an innocent kangaroo. The third member, some woman with a Kryptonian cell phone whose name maybe I should remember, gets away to go regroup. Sylvia is a racist that joined the League because she didn't like the demographics of her small town changing. She's startled by Filo entering the League's headquarters to pack up his stuff and winds up zapping him like she zapped the koala. Okay, I guess the koala isn't as dead as I first thought. I should have realize a Kryptonian phone is probably sending everything to the Phantom Zone. So once again, I, the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, was correct when I speculated that the worst that could happen to Filo was prison or the Phantom Zone! I'm the smarterest! Sylvia is caught on camera zapping Filo Math and then messes up in an interview when she kind of admits to having maybe zapped more than one black person with her phone off-camera? It's a real public relations nightmare!

But Lex can fix it! His greatest strength is turning public relations nightmares into public relations wet dreams!

Lex News turns Cell Phone Sylvia into a national hero. Because anything is excusable if you just say how scared you were! I mean, as long as you're white! It's scary being white! Sometimes you have to kill people with your legal gun while standing your own ground after confronting somebody for the most inconsequential reasons! It's just the way the world works! At least in America! Happy 4th of July! Just in case some readers weren't smart enough to get that everybody blasted by Sylvia's phone went to the Phantom Zone, Mark Russell supplies us with an image of Filo and the koala and a bunch of Sylvia's other victims (hmm, all black! But that's probably just a coincidence!) in the Phantom Zone. Polly, at the end of her rope with doing the right thing in an unjust world, decides to contact The Scrambler. I can't wait for her big magic trick to fix the world! The Scrambler's big trick to fix the world is to threaten to scramble everybody's identity. Everybody's minds will switch around so that they're now in different bodies. That means the powerful might wind up being the poorest people in the worst poverty. And the only way he won't do it is if the powerful fix the world in thirty days. Seems like a good plan! Except I'm curious to see how they fix it. Most people's ideas of fixing the world rely on the current world still existing somehow. So the fix is handicapped from the beginning by needing to be built on the ruins of the old system. To truly make a new system that works, the old system must be completely razed to the ground. But nobody has the stomach for that. So we make exceptions and compromises, building the new structure on top of a rotting foundation. It's why DC's Universe fixes always fail. They rely on making things new and better but need to remain rooted in the past. Crisis on Infinite Earths was built on a world that still contained members of Infinity Inc. who suddenly didn't fit in the world anymore. So DC then had to do Zero Hour which told new origin stories but still refused to throw out everything that came before to simply start again. Even The New 52, which people hated because they felt it did exactly what I suggested (razing the shit to the ground), didn't work because, I believe, it didn't go far enough! It still accepted Superman had died. It still accepted all of Green Lantern's past. It still contained a Batgirl who was shot by Joker and became Oracle. It was still the DC Universe but with arbitrary and subtle changes that made no real difference except the jettisoning of a ton of history. So it didn't work for anybody! Um, anyway, my initial point was that real life political structures and social dynamics and economic systems can never really be restructured in a meaningful way because they have to kowtow to older ways of thinking and doing things. The comic book stuff was just easier to write about! I'm sure Mark Russell will figure it out! Or he'll just have The Scrambler and Polly Math arrested and nothing will work out like it should and it will just be the punctuation on the idea that everything fucking sucks. Yay! Wonder Twins #5 Rating: A+. Come on! Everything Mark Russell writes gets an A+! It shows how smart I am!

#Wonder Twins #Mark Russell #DC Comics #Comic Book Reviews

[m00nslippers]

All of our questions were answered in RHATO #31! OR WERE THEY? (They weren’t, like at all.)

When we left off in #30, Jason was confronting the guy who claims to be Willis Todd in the basement of an abandoned creepy prison made over into some kind of drug distribution center/android factory/still a prison. That’s pretty much right where they pick up. Oh and also the cover says:

They really don’t, though. One guy dies. One. This cover was an outright lie. There are ZERO zombies in this issue! WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THIS DC?

There’s a flashback of ‘Willis’ looking back on how Rebirth has gone so far and saying some pretty poignant stuff about how Gotham hasn’t treated Jason the way he deserves. I’m not going to lie, I’m really into the Jason as the promised son/savior allegories. The Damned Prince of Gotham is an iconic epithet.

THIS is where we left off, and we learn Willis is calling himself Solitary and starts calling Jason ‘son’ but Jay isn’t having it.

Jason, you’re like two or three years older than this kid. And you’ve been way worse than kidnapped when you were way younger. Seriously, it’s like he doesn’t even realize he’s traumatized.

ALSO, JayMig, you guys. He’s LEGAL. Ship ship ship ship ship....(it’s okay if you don’t get on my ship I’m just going to be weird over here in this corner...)

Solitary: You missed me! *crowbar wooshes past him* Jason: I ain’t missed nuthin’! *crowbar hits Bunker’s prison-vat* Solitary: Ulp! (no he literally said ulp! in one panel.) Jason: You’ve been bamboozled, SON!

Classic Jason Todd.

I guess Solitary can control perception? I thought he was literally just omnipresent like he was literally everywhere and nowhere. That’s what he said to Ma Gunn, his ‘mother’. But whatever. This is Lobdell, he forgets what he’s doing halfway through doing it and just starts doing something else entirely.

Bunker is Mexican, if you guys didn’t know. It actually makes some sense that he’s here. in Mexico. Also, canonically gay.

( Ship ship ship ship ship )

Technically I’m not sure they actually met in that comic. It was a crossover event in New 52, Roy and Starfire and the Teen Titans (including Bunker) fought zombies, or something while Tim and Jason were captured by the Joker and Jason actually got to show off a little by psyching out the Joker and shooting him while blindfolded and breaking him and Tim out of trouble after getting kidnapped (those two sure do get kidnapped a lot when they are together...)

Also, SUPER REFRESHING for a hero to run into the Red Hood and be all, “Hey man, let’s be friends!” instead of immediately belike “What!? The Red Hood? Yuck, you’re a bad guy! Imma fight you!”

Dog has been around for 2 issues and she’s already the most useful teammate Jason has ever had. Jason and Dog, besties forever!

You really didn’t though, Jay. We have no idea who this guy is, how he got your old costume, what he wants or why he’s here. All we know is he wants you to go back to Gotham.

WHY CAN’T YOU BE HONEST WITH US!? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?

They were fighting right before this panel, and the fight was pretty good too, they seem to be evenly matched in terms of fighting ability. Maybe Wingman was slightly better, but Jason had a Doggo on his side so it evened out.

Unrelated, but I actually like this artist and what they are doing, everything looks really clean, the action is very readable and the anatomy is excellent, I’m not a fan of Jason’s haircut but luckily we already know he gets his longer hair back in an issue or two, thank god.

Solitary comes out as Jason’s dad. Apparently when he was in prison he volunteered for some experiments on people’s minds to try to get out early. We saw a little of this foreshadowed like ten issues ago. The experiments were done with tech stolen from Lex Luthor, so he hired Artemis to go fuck them up for stealing it and using it on people. In the fight it messed Wilis up and combined his mind with a few other inmates into his body or something. So that’s what happened to him.

I think it’s trying to be implied that this prison Jason is at where Solitary is operating out of was literally the prison where it all happened, but there are a few problems with that, namely 1) they don’t send American prisoners to Mexican prisons, and 2) that prison had water around it in the panels where it showed it happening and this prison is in the middle of a dessert so who knows what’s going on here.

Okay, so a Gotham thug getting a batman tattoo after coming out of a fight with him without going to prison is the kind of thing a Gotham thug would totally brag about. “See this scar? I got it from Batman, yo! And then I got a bat tattoo to commemorate it!”

Guess what though, Willis/Solitary doesn’t have the tattoo. SOLITARY ISN’T HIS DAD. Maybe this guy thinks he’s Willis but he’s actually not, he just has his memories or perceptions or whatever. He was one of the minds combined into this dude. This explains why Jason walked right past him more than once, he wasn’t really his dad (although with ‘perception’ powers it wouldn't actually have mattered even if he was). Jason has so many shitty wannabe dads it’s crazy. Batman, Solitary, Joker, Ra’s, get in line, folks.

Jason straight up kills this guy, no flinching. I love how Jason is so matter of fact about everything in this issue, Solitary says he’s his dad, and Jason is just like, “Okay, no, and I can prove it.” No melodramatic gasps or anything.

It amazes me that people seem to think Jason is so overemotional and angry all the time, and can’t get anything done because he’s too busy being mad, when he does shit like this without making any kind of deal about it or shouting or anything. Jason gets angry and emotional about ONE THING, and that’s his ACTUAL FAMILY BEING SHITTY TO HIM. A.K.A batfam stuff. Pretty much whenever he’s actually mad, and acting crazy it’s justified, he’s in serious emotional distress. He’s not some super angry murder boy all the time! I mean, he does murder people...but not because he’s just angry, it’s always a calculated move.

A slight time skip (a week).

*cries* WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?

I think Lobdell is as pissed off as we are that Roy was killed off in a stupid way for stupid drama. Because he’s been really selling us Jason being super sad and messed up about it and even tried to give him a good send off in the Annual. Like, I complain a lot about Lobdell, but at least I think he actually likes Jason and tries to do right by him in his stories, he’s just really scatterbrained about storylines sometimes. Like he needs someone to say, “Yeah, maybe not this, but this stuff is good.” That’s kind of the comics industry in general though, they don’t have anyone making sure characters act in character. They need someone vetoing some of the more stupid ideas, but they don’t seem to have any of that.

The New Outlaws! Red Hood, Bunker, Dog and Wingman.

Wingman is...some old guy. We see his face but it’s no one obvious. Clearly he has some connection to Jason. But he’s definitely not Roy, unless something REALLY weird is going on.

I still think there’s a good chance that he’s a future Jason from another dimension. But there’s also a chance that he’s Jason’s REAL FATHER since we know Solitary wasn’t. Hell, maybe he’s got the same powers Solitary had and it was him who went to see Ma Gunn before because she seemed pretty sure that guy was really Willis Todd, and he’s changing how he looks so Jay won’t know. We’ll see I guess.

And Bunker is just like, oh, you’re gonna go back to Gotham, fuck up Penguin and take all his stuff and start running a mob? I’m down. I don’t know his character (except that Lobdell created him and purposefully made him not angsty), I’m going to have to read some old Teen Titans, but I’m into it so far. He’s just super puppy-like, helpful, “I don’t know what’s happening but let’s be friends!” I can imagine Jason just blinking at him and being like, “Just...what even are you? Why are you so nice?! Why do you even like me!? Why are you even here!?” Miguel, all like, *shrug* “You saved my life and you’re hot?” Jason, “...well that’s a reason, I guess.”

YEEEEES. Tell me the old costume is making a come back! Also, Jason in a Trench Coat is the shit. He looks so sexy, you guys. I’m so ready for Mob Boss Jason. And Miguel is his gay right hand lover I mean man. YES.

( Ship ship ship ship ship )

Yeah, I’m getting so many “Wingman is from the future” vibes right now. He’s either Jason himself or someone he knows, but from the future/another dimension. Or maybe he can see the future.

Well, that was it. It was pretty good even if I was raising my eyebrows a few times at all the NOT explaining we were getting. I’m actually kind of excited for next issue though, you guys! Jason is going to mess up Penguin and take the Ice Burg Lounge, I’m so up for this!

#Jason Todd #Red hood #Red Hood And The Outlaws #Red hood outlaw #Issue 31 #DC Rebirth #comics #dc comics #Wingman #Who the hell is he? #fuck if I know #But Jason-from-the-future is looking more and more likely #Solitary #Not Willis Todd actually #Miguel Barragan #Bunker #JayMig #It's my new ship you guys! #Dog #That's her name #Best teammate #Roy Harper #still can't believe he's dead #ranting about comics #commentary #meta #Damned Prince of Gotham #Spoilers #But not the actual Spoiler

[seenashwrite]

14.04 Round-Up

Here, have a Nash-Is-Running-On-Fumes round-up.

Disagree on Salem Ohio.  Shoulda gone Indiana. Why would you choose Salem, anyway? Given that this has nothing to do with witchy anything? Wait, does it?  [Post-show pseudo-addendum: Nope.]

Shocker. Like, THE Shocker, or... 😳  *ahem*

What is the fixation with giving characters the same/similar names? 

[Post-show pseudo-addendum: I get the shtick for the purposes of this episode, not entirely the point, keep reading] 

And I'm also not talking about super-duper-common names (Jane, Mary, etc.), I get how those would naturally come up over the course of 13/14 years. I mean they’re fixated on the same names for women that have more than a just-passing-through role. 

This chick is Sam, short for Samantha. So why not just call her Samantha? Especially given the tone of their conversation, we don’t typically revert to nicknames when we’re pissed, we typically dial it up to full first names (and for parents, to full first-and-middle). Nope, gotta be "Sam". And he said it three times. Three times in a conversation that maybe lasted a minute, to make sure we got it.

WE GOT IT

Welcome, Sam-Specifically-Not-Samantha! Meet Anna, Hannah, Anael, Jessica, Jo, Josie, Jody, Jessica, and Jo. Hope you don't die! PS: your hair is phenomenal.

I was about to say - I'd be in my room with all those people running around, too, archangel farts still bouncing around, or no.

So I take it Thundercats is DC property. Learn sumpin’ new every day (I will never need this knowledge)

You know, they *just* had a dinosaur toy come to life in Scooby. Writing wise, wish they'd have just said characters in general coming to life, would've covered the movie/comic spread and all the swag that comes with. Who wrote this? [checks] Oh fuck us, it's Perez.

Fortnite *vomit*

These outfits are fantastic, well-played, wardrobe.

"I don't know who Riley is. But cool." ---> Same, Dean-Who-May-Be-Michael-Faking. Same.

The gif of them ducking down in the car is gonna be precious.

[Post-show pseudo-addendum: Yup]

Why does Sam suddenly not know how to whip his jacket off and put pressure on a wound?

Goddamnit my food got here in time for me to miss the Dean-confronts-thing scene. Thank goodness for giffers and clippers. Though I still haven't gotten my Fluids gif from the Scooby ep. I want that gif.

Stewie is not breathing 27 times per minute. Just hire me. Let me deal with your medical shit. I ain't cheap, but I can be had.

"I like to watch movies where I know the bad guy's gonna lose"   ----> gooooood, Perez, you can doooo eeeeeeet (unless that was a script editor’s call, in which case ::sigh::)

See there now, Sam's calling her Samantha. Stewie could’ve just called her "Sam" once, that plus seeing her name come up on his phone is plenty, didn’t need three farging times in less than a minute at the top of the ep. No, I'm not letting this go.

Blood transfusers don't hang out in rando hospital rooms. It just ain't a hang-out, what-if, ya-never-can-tell type of jam.

This ep's pretty much squelched my Michael impersonating Dean option, might have to be in the Michael's hiding in his back molar camp. I say that because this is the most "Dean" he's acted thus far. I mean, I *guess* he could be accessing Dean's memories about the movies, but why lay it on so thick since Sam's not around to witness it? Doesn't matter, I don't know why I'm even going down this road, I don't trust this writer's room in the least to have a carefully crafted plan that they've shared with Jensen. Well, it's beyond trust - Jensen all but said it in that interview (go find it yourselves, I'm sleepy, and this sammich ain't gonna eat itself, but I love you)

I really want Samantha's hair, and now her flannel shirt. I like her and her personality about a million times more than Maggie, why couldn't she be Maggie? OH SHIT.  Samantha - I forgot to introduce you to two more members of the name game club, here's Magda and Maggie. [Post-show pseudo-addendum thanks to astute Nashooligan] We would also like to introduce you to Amelia and Amelia and also the Name Game Sorority’s den mother, Millie, who we aren’t quite sure should be included but are hedging our bets. Could be Millicent or Melissa, sure, but why not complete an Amelia trifecta? ---> I’m about to digress with a side note that has nothing to do with this ep, I just want to further cement how much you should trust my judgment: in my big story, this name shit infuriates me so much, it was a factor I considered when constructing Millie’s background. I made Millie come from a slightly posh background on her British mother’s side, and a military family life courtesy of her high-ranking American father. I searched for names that the nickname “Millie” could evolve from that I thought would sound appropriate with this somewhat upper-crust lifestyle, so I made her real name be Emeline (Em-ah-lynn for me, though I’ve heard the last part with a long “i”, too) which is a sweet and classy oldie-goldie jam I wish would come back. It’s Brit-y for her mom, allows for her dad to be the only one who calls her Millie til Henry comes along. Her brothers call her “Em”, which annoys her mom. My psychiatrist’s front office girl has this name (except double-M) but insists on going by “Em”. Not “Emma”, not “Emme”. Em. (As in Auntie Em, I just had a fever dream about little people who give out candy, and grown men dressed in costumes who like skipping down roads with young girls, and trees that throw apples, and flying monkeys, which are cool, but still.) I have found her to be idiotic in several respects over the years, and this decision was not a point in her favor. There, I’m done.

Stewie's respirations are not 115 per minute.

(I'm looking at the bottom feed, btw, in case you're wondering. His heart rate and rhythm is up near the top, BP would be bottom left and would be 2 numbers, and O2 sats max at 100. Also not art line nor ICP. I'll get a better look in gifs but pretty sure it's supposed to be his resps. Or else it is the sats and somebody's gotten their butterfingers on the training module. I mean regardless of their intent, 29 to 115′s a helluva spread for any vital sign unless it’s your heart rate whilst I’m doing CPR because straight up, I do happen to get after it pretty fierce when the occasion has arisen. Anyway, they are ass at this. All they have to do is ask. When Nashville the show was still in production, they asked us shit all the time. I’m revealing too much of my secret identity. Moving on.)

This is great, the cutting between movie and real life, high-five to editing.

Sam and Samantha are legit adorable in that scene.

HAHAHAHA hesitation elbow.

Nice cut to the movie commercial. I don't care for the reusing of all the same clips we just saw, I can't imagine there weren't extra little pieces of discarded scenes for editing to choose from, so... but otherwise, I dig it.

Thankfully, the M.E.’s stainless steel vegetable chopping knife was there in the morgue.🤨

I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally wish for a moment there, not even five seconds, when ol' boy was standing above him, we saw some Mikey flash across Dean's face with a touch - and I mean a *touch*, CG department, don't blow your whole wad per usual - of blue. That nobody sees, only the audience and the monster, have monster kinda pause, maybe look confused and hit his little button but this time it comes out with the tiniest lilt of a questioning upspeak on the last syllable, and nothing ultimately happens since Sam arrives, Dean shakes his drowsiness off, then proceed to choke hold, etc. It would fall in line with whatever route they're going (Mikey actively impersonating Dean/Mikey residuals left in Dean/Mikey passively hiding out in Dean), also be a nice audience tease.

I didn't think I needed to specify that I wanted mushrooms on this cheesesteak hoagie. On god, the world is completely falling apart.

That whole car convo was.... weird. The party memory story went on too long and was stupid as shit, sure, but the costume discussion is what I mean. And then the one it ended on was especially weird. Why not just end with a shot of the Impala and their conversation continuing with their voices fading away with the engine? End on a better duo than Thelma and Louise who, Perez, killed themselves by driving their car into a canyon. Hell, end on Scooby. I mean, you had the lunchbox which the camera held on for forever to make damn sure we all saw it, may as well double-down.

The doll's eyes should've flicked closed at the end. Missed opportunity.

Okay, cute little ep. Still leaves a bad taste in my mouth that this Perez kid can't have an original idea to save his life, though. Kinda taints it.  

Heh. Check it, yo - I brought things full damn circle.

You know.

Shocker. Taint.

HEY THERE YOU GO DEAN - duo Halloween costume!

My work here is done, see y'all next week.

#SPN Season 14 #SPN S14 #SPN Spoilers #14.04 #Nash Watches Live #SPN XIV #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days

[mattelektras]

GIRL HEY I LOVE YOU and your blog and just all your marvel thoughts and opinions and your recs tag WOW you got me into comics like THANK YOU AND YOUR SOUL and so i am so curious to know like what are your issues with mcu? like everything i want to know EVERYTHING, every little detail that's bothered you to the shitty casting to the whitewashing to the lack of development LET ME HEAR IT PLEASE

OH HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE. pretty much all of this excludes black panther and ragnarok. nothing but respect for my mcu

it took them literally 10 years and like 20 movies to have anyone that wasn't a white man lead a solo film. like. that is a LONG ASS TIME

not to mention the straight people EVERYWHERE until valkyrie who they didn't SHOW is bi. trust only tessa thompson and taika watiti. let that be the lesson here

and the women and people of colour they DID have in their movies were done incredibly dirty like rhodey (who could absolutely have held a solo movie following iron man 2. or even 1 like. they just slipped in that he’s become a superhero n didn't do anything with it like... really????????) gets shot in the fuckin spine by that piece of shit robot. sharon was set up so well and now doesn't exist. mcu nat i dont even know where to begin

mcu maximoffs/dr strange/iron fist. the whitewashing trifecta. they went for the hatrick and they nailed it. thanks i hate it 

but with the maximoffs specifically like. GOD theyre bad. wendy has gone from ‘moves things with her mind’ (not wanda’s actual powers but whatevs we’ll get to that bit) to literally being able to destroy an infinity stone. she’s everything mr whedon wants in a female character. and mcu pietro??? a weak bitch. pietro maximoff would die of spite before he sacrificed himself for clint fucking barton

so many of the movies dont line up with one another like PLEASE marvel directors watch each other’s movies. the russos basically turned up at taika watiti’s house and told him to go fuck himself 

or just... hire good directors.... the russos fooled everyone into thinking they were good with cap 2 but what the ever loving fuck was civil war and infinity war

stop with the war shit no one likes superheroes vs superheroes

this is petty and i KNOW movies dont have to follow the comics like. i know that and sometimes its a very good thing, but with marvel they wanna take parts from the comics, sometimes GOOD parts and they wanna fuck it all up and force it to fit into their shitty narrative. like. civil war for example.. had a PURPOSE in comics. it was a genuine grey area and, well written, it could've been a nuanced scenario about how different types of people might have benefited or suffered from it (re: mutants etc). in the mcu, civil war was uuuuuh wendy blew up some people and she used to be a nazi but we’re all gonna defend her because im steve rogers and i do what the fuck i like regardless of literally everything else. 

they based the mcu on the ultimates universe???? TAKE THE GOOD BITS THEN!!!! like take miles morales instead of just giving peter his life and his friends 

get better actors jesus christ. just. better as people would be a start. ms substitute asian johansson and mr Gun Rights pratt. perish

the chris x3 jokes really arent endearing either. some of em have gotta go

please hire someone with real eyes for your costume department!!!!!! say what you like about dc movies, but they all WORK together. their suits have the same tone/materials/overall look. the avengers look like a bunch of people who have never met before 

speaking of, i physically cannot buy the ‘friendship’ the avengers supposedly have. they dont talk!!!!!! there’s too many of them to actually get any solid team development!!! you want me to believe thor even knows hawkeye’s real name??? he doesn't!! and he doesn't give a shit either!!

if you're gonna do a romantic relationship......... fucking stick with it or actually end it. steve/sharon could have been SO GOOD but where has that gone. nat/hulk was hideous and thank god it died but WHERE has it gone. 

not to mention the fact that gamora has literally shown no interest towards peter but she loves him in infinity war somehow

peggy carter is really NOT THAT IMPORTANT!!!! people are still out here shittalking sharon, the LEADING CAP COMICS WOMAN, STEVE’S MAIN AND PRETTY MUCH SOLE LOVE INTEREST, because she's not peggy carter and she doesn't talk about girl power whilst wearing winged eyeliner. steve and peggy kissed once like if thats your standard for a life long relationship then im married to like 8 people i knew when i was 15

the general need marvel has to own all of their properties. homecoming was a good movie, but did we need it??? like really???? people have seen so many spider man movies but no one had seen a black panther or captain marvel movie and they both got shoved back to accommodate the 3rd peter parker ive seen in my lifetime

SPEAKING OF REPETITION.... snarky movies led by white men alongside a woman who is clearly more capable than they are but dont get any recognition for it are the same. the exact fucking same 

CAN POST CREDITS SCENES PLEASE DIE im not sitting around for 20 minutes waiting for something cool like a hint of a new hero only to see steve fucking rogers doing his ironing or some shit. if its not worth it, dont do it maybe 

the colour grading is ugly as sin. if it’s got some over saturated primary colours in it... its a marvel movie 

marvel movies are just.... straight up not funny at this point lmao like im not a 13 year old boy i dont find dick and whore jokes funny try again

‘it’ll kill you’ ‘only if i die’ ‘yes thats what killing you means’ is supposed to be funny and i get that but uuuuuh its just bad dialogue and there are so many lines like that. write a good fucking movie and then MAYBE you won't have to fill scenes with empty conversations to take up the time

fuck the mcu guardians of the galaxy, to put it finely. mcu peter is a dick and his altered back story makes him even more of a dick. drax isn't a dumbass, gamora would rather die than touch peter. mantis is a literal celestial goddess, not some old white dude’s sleep time therapist 

mostly what it comes down to with me though is that marvel literally does not have to make good movies. they can make any old shit and make literally millions of dollars. barely anyone gave a fuck about ant man or doctor strange, and if you didn't read comics, you likely wouldn't have even KNOWN who they were but everyone went to see them because they had marvel on the posters. and thats pretty much marvel’s entire deal. ALL they do is get credit for things they havent done 

oh and fuck vision too 

#i could go on #anonymous #q & a

[drosophilase]

fic: Yoda, Yuletide, and You

Title: Yoda, Yuletide, and You

Author: @drosophilase

Gifted to: @djchika as part of the @crisscolfergiftexchange 2017

Original prompt: “We made the mutual decision to go to this party separately and when I arrived there was this asshole flirting with you and I’m trying not to make it obvious that I’m seething with jealousy but it’s really difficult”

Ratings/Warning: Teen; allusions to sex (non-explicit), boss/employee relationship

Read on AO3!

Sorry this is two days late, thank you for the gracious extension and Merry Christmas Deej!  Thank you so much for all you did to arrange this exchange <3

--

It had started, as most great love stories do, with a Yoda figurine on the corner of Chris's desk. "That green figurine, I like," croaked a terrible Yoda impersonation from the twenty-fifth (ok, just fifth) person Chris had interviewed that day. Darren Criss, his application said.

Chris raised an eyebrow. Giving interviews for a job at a nerd pop culture online news source, Chris thought he had heard it all. This guy is the first to be bold enough to do such a confident and terrible impersonation. Chris touches Yoda's pointy ear. "From my sister. She's determined to get me the entire Star Wars Funko Pop set over the next 20 Christmases and birthdays." He doesn't comment aloud on the terrible Yoda voice, but he does write a little Y in the corner of Darren's resume.

"That's so cool, man, it's awesome that your family knows what you love. I have a ton of Pops but I can't ever seem to finish a set. There's just too many other things I like. I just put my Chewie next to my Harley Quinn and go with it." There's a sort of sparkle in his eye, glowing gold in the sunlight filtering through Chris's office blinds.

Chris sets the resume aside (he'd already noted this one for the qualifications - degree in Theatre from Michigan University, four years on the Michigan Daily staff with one as senior editor. Proficiency in Final Cut and a few credits in web series and local theatre productions. Currently working in local news media and writing a blog on the Star Wars Extended Universe on the side. Even before he walked in looking like a dream, Chris was hooked). "Suicide Squad Harley or Batman: The Animated Series Harley?"

Darren scoffs, the black curls over his forehead bouncing. "Animated Series, dude. Hands fucking down. I try to forget that Suicide Squad ever existed. It's hard to be a DC boy these days."

Chris cracks a smile. "That's why the girls - well, Patty Jenkins, really - are going to save us all. Haven't you seen Wonder Woman?"

"If I've learned one thing in my time in this industry, no one ever listens to women when they should. You're right though, if they let Patty work she's going to do the whole damn thing."

"If only Ben Affleck could do his civic duty and disappear from the earth, I'd feel better about it."

Darren laughs with his whole body, his eyes crinkling in the corners. "Dude, yes. Just go softly into that dark night."

Chris cocks his head. "You didn't just make that pun, oh my god."

Darren smiles. "You didn't notice 'witty wordplay' under my skills? It's like in my top 3 best attributes."

Chris wishes he had the power to cancel the rest of his day's appointments and just end the day with Darren's interview. Instead, he takes the scant three minutes he has until the next interview to smile absently back at Yoda and make another note on the resume.

1. Wordplay

2. Smile

3. -Ass- Experience

The great thing about PopNow's building is the super cool collaborative open floor plan with lots of coworking tables, glass doors, and zero fucking privacy. Chris had always cringed sitting at the long tables, having to work face-to-face with someone else's computers and get distracted every time they got up to go to the bathroom. Honestly, half his drive to move up to staff editor was to get one of the more private (loosely) offices around the edges of the room with a single desk and a wall to stare at instead of a strange coworker.

Being promoted to division head of PopNow Nerd was Chris's ultimate dream (private office, final say on all published material, sitting in on meetings with creative directors and sometimes, investors. The control freak inside of Chris was fucking delighted). That is, until 3 months later when PopNow shifted their entire focus and all their resources to video reporting. Luckily, they weren't completely cutting out the website or articles that Chris joined the company to write. And, Chris was getting a lot more flexibility to hire new talent and explore new realms of reporting. And thank fucking god, Chris never had to be in front of the camera.

He knew he had to change with the times quick, though. He had writers - he just needed producers. And, after a quick poll of the office didn't yield many nerds willing to get in front of a camera (who would’ve thought), some on-air personalities.

Enter: Darren Criss.

The first day Darren’s new hosted series “Heroes and Zeroes” went live with an episode rating Disney villains on some complicated ranking system based on hotness, degree of evil, and personal style, the PopNow Nerd Facebook page gained like 5,000 followers.  Darren’s video instantly became their most watched.

And the comments, well—Chris’s cheeks reddened just thinking about them. A bashful Darren appeared at Chris’s door two hours after the video went live, one hand buried in the shorter hair at the base of his neck. “So… I think people like it?”

Chris raised his eyebrows, looking over his glasses where he had the comments section open on his own computer. Girls and guys alike were tagging their friends just to point out how hot Darren is. With him there draped casually in his door frame, Chris would have to agree. “I would say yes, they do.”

Darren laughs an embarrassed sort of huff, looks down at his feet. Chris can tell that though he might be humbled by the success of the video, Darren is definitely feeling proud of himself.

“Actually,” Chris continued, “maybe you should reply to a few of them. Start building some rapport with the fans.  Couldn’t hurt, and the higher-ups really want to see viewer engagement.”

The next day the Facebook page following had grown again by the thousands.  Suspicious, Chris scrolled to Darren’s video again. The views just kept going up.  And Darren himself was in the comments section, cheekily replying to a few of them.

Brittany Smith Oh my god, @Ashley did you watch this? I don’t even know what he said, I just keep staring at his hands for some reason

Darren Criss Next time pay attention to my face, we pay the makeup department a lot to cover up my lizard skin! ;)

Chris had one hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.  Darren was fucking funny. As if Chris didn’t have enough problems drooling over him already in production meetings, writing pitches, and the million times a day he stops by Chris’s office with just “one quick question.”

Chris glanced out his glass office doors to Darren’s desk (the one he has a perfect view of if he just pretends to work at his computer but instead looks right past his monitor out to the main office, no Chris didn’t put him there on purpose the desk was just open). And Darren’s comically large hot pink headphones, and Darren’s brow furrowed as he works hard at something on his computer, and Darren himself chewing on his lip and tugging on a curl and oh, god—

Chris has got it so bad.

“Fuck,” Chris says quietly, taking off his glasses to rub his tired eyes. He should have known better.

--

The crush stays mostly on lock down for almost two weeks.  Chris is like, acutely aware every time Darren walks near his office door (inconvenient, since he has to walk that way for the bathroom, the breakroom, and pretty much everything else) and he gets flustered during staff meetings when Darren starts smiling at him.

And then, of fucking course, there’s Lea.

“Who is this Darren again? You’ve said his name like ten times in the last five minutes.”

Chris swallows hard and tries to keep his tone casual. “Just one of the on-air personalities we hired.  He’s a good writer too, when we can keep him focused.  The best idea man we have, after me of course.  He’s been working here for like three months.  I swear I told you about him. Curly black hair, stupidly big brown eyes?”

Lea gasps. “Christopher Fucking Colfer. Do you have a crush?”

Chris instantly feels his face burning.  “You know Karyn Colfer would never give me such an unsightly middle name.  Jesus, Lea, I don’t know… He’s just a great guy. We get along well.  He’s my employee, for fuck’s sake.”

Lea scoffs. “That’s the highest praise I’ve heard you give another human in the entire time I’ve known you. You definitely like him.”

She’s always so infuriatingly good at pointing out the one thing Chris is trying to pretend doesn’t exist. “Yeah I… guess I do.”

She hums, sympathetic.  “It’s been a long time since you’ve embraced another human being, Christopher.  Maybe try leaning in this time instead of running away. It might do you some good.”

Eager to not hear yet another long-spun tail about her and her fiancé’s meet-cute, recent cohabitation, or extensive wedding planning, Chris says quickly, “Okay, yeah. Lean in. I’ll try that.”

“Just talk to him! You’re very charming, in your own way. He willingly works at PopNow Nerd, for Christ’s sake, just talk about your elaborate Halloween costume for next week, he’ll love that.”

Chris can’t argue with that.

--

“Lean in,” Chris murmurs to himself as he sees Darren get up for his second coffee and first trip to Chris’s desk right around the usual time, 9:20.

“Hey Chris,” Darren says, rapping on the open glass door twice.  Chris looks up from pretending he’s engrossed in end-of-year reports and not sweating into his hoodie.  “Quick question, to settle a debate: Richard Harris or Michael Gambon as Dumbledore? Must cite sources.”

Chris smiles. “Michael Gambon, without a doubt.  I loved the look of Richard Harris, don’t get me wrong, but Order of the Phoenix Dumbledore, tracking down horcruxes Dumbledore, was not frail. Richard Harris could have never pulled off standing up to the Ministry and escaping with Fawkes, no way.”

Darren cocked his head.  “So not what I would have thought you would say.  And honestly, you’ve almost sold me on Gambon.  I’m one of those who can’t overlook the didjupuyurnameinthegobletofire debacle but you have excellent points. Always surprising me, Chris.”

Was that… flirting? It was so hard to tell because Darren was so easily entrancing like this just all the time, but something about the way he said Chris’s name made him think it was different.

Darren had already half-turned to go but Chris calls him back, saying his name.  Darren turns around, eyebrows quirked.  This was deviating from their normal routine, Chris knew.  He tries to calm his pounding heart.  Lean in.

“You know, the real casting tragedy in the Potter series was how old James and Lilly were. Like, alright yes, the ‘mother’s eyes’ thing was absolutely shot to hell. But how are they going to tell us James and Lilly died at literally 21 years old and cast middle-aged actors?”

Darren smiles.  “Dude, yes. They fucked up the ages of everyone in the Order of the Phoenix except for like, Tonks. And maybe they got away with Lupin since he would be more weathered. But casting mid-50s actors for characters barely pushing 35? It totally takes away the resonance of these young people fighting for the future of the world.”

He sits in one of the chairs Chris has arranged along the side of the wall (PopNow has a thing about the formality of sitting with a desk between them) and Chris should move to go sit next to him but it feels like this new thing is a bubble that he might burst at any second if he moved the wrong way.

Darren leaves twenty minutes later to go back to his desk, his empty coffee-stained Vader mug forgotten on the floor.

Chris smiles as he catches Darren eye through the glass.  He’ll be back in an hour or two.

--

By the time mid-November rolls around, it seems that Chris and Darren’s quick coffee run questions have turned into thrice-daily chats have turned into… something.  It’s started to become a running joke at staff meetings, that Chris and Darren are usually more ChrisandDarren these days.  Chris ran into Darren once at his favorite lunch Chinese spot, and then he suggested another lunch spot for tacos and Darren suggested they go together, and now lunch is just always assumed to be theirs.  Even when Chris had to work three days straight through lunch to meet the deadline on proposals for the next quarter, Darren showed up every day with cashew chicken, disappearing when Chris was stressed or offering alien conspiracy theories when Chris needed a break.

That was the thing about Darren, he was always just there. As soon as Chris opened the figurative door by starting a conversation, Darren blew the whole fucking thing open and made himself at home.  It was hard to remember work before Darren.

It doesn’t dawn on Chris that they really haven’t seen each other outside of work until he overhears a few other producers and writers making plans to get drinks after work the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  Chris doesn’t think anything of it—he never wanted to get drinks with anyone in the office before, and he figured no one wanted to drink with their boss anyway.

So he’s pretty floored when he clearly hears Darren (speaking in his still-loud “low voice”) ask Denise if Chris is invited.

Chris doesn’t even try to hear the answer (it’s no, Chris knows) as he reels.  He can see Darren outside of work.  Darren maybe wants to see Chris outside of work.  Chris would have a reason to go somewhere other than home to his cat.  He had never thought of it before but now Chris really, really wanted to be invited out to drinks. By Darren, that is.

Darren stops by his office (fifth time that day) with his coat over his arm and bag slung over his shoulder on his way out.  “Happy Thanksgiving, Chris.”

“Happy Thanksgiving, he automatically replies.  “Headed down to Republic with Denise and Lars and everyone?”  Chris says it just to see how Darren will react.

Darren winces and looks sheepish.  “You heard about that, huh? Yeah it seems like it’s just a writers’ thing, sorry about that, I didn’t decide that it would be exclusive.”

“No, yeah, it’s totally okay,” Chris says, waving his hand.  “I wouldn’t want to like, intrude on the group anyways.  Frankly, there’s few people in this office I’d want to see outside of these stupid glass walls.”

Darren pouts, put-upon. “I hope I made your short list.”

Chris knows his ears are red-tipped but he swallows and forces himself to say, “Duh. You’re like, the whole list.”

Something comes over Darren’s face.  He’s more beautiful than Chris has ever seen.  “Yeah? You’re at the top of mine. Maybe after the holiday we can compare lists.  Have a good Thanksgiving, Chris.”

“Y-yeah, you too,” Chris manages to say, half-strangled, awkwardly waving as Darren turns and leaves.

Holy shit, Darren may have just asked him on a date.

--

There are three things Chris learns on the Friday a week after Thanksgiving weekend.

It is most definitely a date, Darren’s preferred drink is a whiskey sour, and he is the best kisser Chris has ever known.

“I thought maybe you only wanted to hear more on my nuanced analysis of Star Trek captains,” Chris teases after they break apart just inside his front door.

“Oh don’t get me wrong, I love your analysis,” Darren says breathily from where he’s kissing Chris’s jaw.  “It’s just that I also love the way your arms look in your tee shirts and your butt looks in your jeans and that your lips are so damn kissable.”

Chris thrills as Darren stretches up to kiss him again, basically on his tiptoes.  How is someone who appreciates all those things even real?  Chris runs his hands along Darren’s shoulders, grips his elbows, squeezes his waist.  Darren slips his tongue into Chris’s mouth and Chris reflexively grabs Darren’s perfect ass.  Oh, he’s real all right.

“That’s awfully fresh, Mr. Colfer,” Darren says breathily even as he pulls Chris in, walking backwards.  “Don’t you think that’s better suited for the bedroom?”

Later, Chris’s best shirt is maybe ruined and Darren is sleepy and soft and come-dumb, draped across Chris’s chest (he’s a cuddler, as Chris should have guessed).

“Give me five minutes and I’ll get up I promise,” Darren mostly mumbles as he rubs his face into Chris’s belly.

“Mmhmm,” Chris replies skeptically, sinking a hand into Darren’s curls and tracing his thumb over the sweat gathered at his temples.  “I really don’t mind.”

Darren groans, low and long.  “I have like, a thing about my hair being played with, dude. Once you start I’m always going to beg you to keep going.”

Chris smiles wickedly, pulling his fingers slowly through the soft strands and listening to Darren’s responses.  “I could be okay with that.”

--

Chris thinks they’re totally rocking the first day back at work giving off very “we definitely didn’t have sex last night, no way, thanks for asking” vibes. Until a very concerned Eileen stops by his office after their afternoon meeting.

“This is definitely not my business Chris, but you know I care deeply about the balance of the workplace ecosystem, so I’m going to meddle just this once.  Are you and Darren—”

Chris immediately opens his mouth, panicked, “Oh uh, no, I—”

“—Mad at each other?”

Chris stops mid-sentence.  “Wait, what?”

Eileen is unfazed, as usual. “You definitely snubbed him during that planning meeting and he’s only stopped by your office once today instead of the usual six.  I count on you two to keep meetings fun and productive. He makes you less cranky. I don’t know what you did, but fix it.”

She leaves before Chris can put words together.  Well, that wasn’t what he expected.

Eileen apparently thinks we’re fighting.

Maybe we went too hard in the other direction.

O M G. She’s so nosy. Our coworkers are way too perceptive.

There’s only one way I want you hard. This ain’t it

Fuck. Why are my office walls made of glass?

That’s hot, Colfer. Feed your cat and come by my place tonight.

…Was that a euphemism?

--

Pre-Darren, holiday parties at the office were to be endured and survived.  Chris would show up for the shortest time he could, drink two vodka sodas, talk to ten people, and get the fuck out. Now in the Age of Darren, Chris is actually brushing his hair and putting thought into his outfit and humming Christmas carols on the train.

Almost one month into their relationship feels way too new to tell all of PopNow, let alone just their department. (Chris had gone to HR with the intent to file their relationship but his hypothetical questions were met with vehemence that superiors could not date subordinates. So Chris had slunk out of there and didn’t mention it to Darren in case ignoring it meant it wouldn’t exist.) They’re arriving to the company holiday party separately and meeting oh-so-casually by the Christmas tree, avoiding all mistletoe and any game that might lead to awkward kissing with anyone.  They are totally (almost) masters of acting totally normal at work, they can handle this.

What Chris can’t handle is the blonde with godawful dark roots and nose ring practically pushing her breasts into Darren’s face.  At 20 freaking degrees outside there’s no need to wear a sweater that low-cut.  Darren, Chris begrudgingly credits, is looking unwaveringly at her face.  But this girl is hardcore flirting, hip cocked and chewing on the stirrer in her pink drink.

Chris knows he’s being ridiculous but at the same time, he can’t stop. She touches his shoulder for a second and Chris downs a shot.  She laughs way too loudly and Chris crushes a cookie into crumbs.  He tunes out the droning anecdote from some guy in accounting and instead vividly daydreams, replaying in his mind the past weekend spending a full 48 hours locked in Chris’s apartment.

Chris was so wrong to think that he could keep it together for this entire party. Darren is just so damn charming and every single person who works at PopNow is gravitating towards him. Chris understands the feeling, but the possessive jealous lizard brain just wants to take.

He spots an opening as Darren is trying to physically move away from a man who is whispering in Darren’s ear every other sentence.  Hell no.

Chris steps between them deftly, delighting at the way Darren’s face absolutely lights up. “Chris, hi. Thank god.”

“So sorry to steal him away, but Darren there’s someone I want you to meet,” Chris apologizes to the guy in a rush, grabbing Darren by the elbow and leading him away.

“Thank god,” Darren says again from behind him as Chris weaves through the crowds. “That guy was like a level 5 creeper. I’ve been looking for you for half an hour and just couldn’t disentangle myself from these people who all want to talk about my videos.  Which is flattering, I guess? But they’re like, strangers. I’m just trying to get buzzed and play that piano in the corner and start a Christmas carol sing-along.  Wait, this is the bathroom…”

“Yes, it is,” Chris says, leading Darren into the single room family bathroom and following quickly, locking the door.

He presses Darren against the door and kisses him hard, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt.  “That was torture,” Chris whispers, tugging on Darren’s earlobe with his teeth.

“Colfer, were you j-jealous?” Darren chokes out, head lolling back as Chris moves down to kiss his neck.  He wants to leave a visible mark. He settles for one right below Darren’s collar, right in the hollow of his shoulder. Darren moans, cradling Chris’s head. “Fuck.”

“Maybe I was,” Chris admits, pulling back and pushing stray hairs off his forehead.  “That one girl was just so blatant, it was awful. And I couldn’t do or say anything! Maybe I should ask for a department transfer. Or find another job, I…”

Darren is wide-eyed. “Are you trying to abandon me?”

Chris shakes his head. “God, no, it’s just some ban on superiors dating their employees, I didn’t want to tell you before….”

“What about superiors dating their equals?  Would that be okay?” Darren asks, a mischievous smile curling the corner of his mouth.

“Uh yeah, I think so,” Chris says, confused.  “I don’t see why not?”

“Good,” Darren says, full-out grinning now.  “Because Rebecca called me into her office today. Honestly I thought I had to be getting reprimanded or something, but she promoted me. Well it’s not totally official yet, but next week they’re creating new Video Editor-in-Chief positions in some departments. Equal with the department head. A new team-leading thing to further focus on video content.  And the job in Nerd is mine.  She said she heard I work great with my department head and I had to agree.”

Chris reels.  “Holy shit. I knew Rebecca had asked me about you, but I didn’t know why. Holy shit!  Darren, that is amazing.  You are amazing.  I am so proud of you.”

Darren’s eyes practically disappear, he’s smiling so hard.  “Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you.  I guess we don’t have to hide in this bathroom anymore…?” Even as he says it, Darren rubs a hand right over Chris’s crotch. Chris sucks in a loud breath.

“We don’t have to, but maybe we should for this part.”

--

Three whiskey sours in and with no prodding, Darren hops behind the piano and leads a rousing chorus of the promised Christmas carols, Broadway songs, and Disney hits.  Four vodka sodas in and Chris is pulled into a clumsy duet of Baby It’s Cold Outside after he makes everyone in the area hold both hands up so he knows no one is recording.  There’s no way this won’t end up in the Monday morning email thread, but tipsy, warm and fuzzy Chris is okay with that.

It’s the best company holiday party he’s ever been to. Which on the surface makes no sense—it’s in the same venue, with the same cheesy decorations, the same too-strong drinks and the same terrible ornament exchange.  But this year, the Christmas tree seems taller and fuller and more beautiful than ever. And this year, the bartender is wearing a Santa hat and smiling and singing along.  And even though an ornament exchange game with no stealing or trading allowed is a totally lame game, Chris somehow gets a Yoda ornament. He gasps, looking up at Darren, who is just across from him.  Darren has that shit-eating grin, toasting his glass to Chris as he takes another sip. He remembered.

And then Chris realizes that it wasn’t the party that had changed, it was him. And it was Darren. Because of Darren.  Even the most dreaded event of the year has Chris laughing, smiling, relaxing, even feeling the joy of the Christmas spirit.

He blames Darren and his magic that when someone comes up to them shrieking mistletoe! and dangling a bunch over their heads, Chris doesn’t laugh it off.  He looks at Darren, closer than the careful distance they’ve been keeping all night, and is hit with the full force of his sparkling brown eyes. You’re beautiful, Chris thinks, and grabs Darren’s lapel before he can think too hard.

Darren is dazed when they pull apart, the mistletoe bearer long-gone.  “Merry Christmas,” Chris says so fondly, brushing his thumb over the spot hidden under Darren’s shirt.

“Merry Christmas,” Darren says, taking Chris’s hand and holding it tight, laced with his.

#djchika #crisscolfer #crisscolfer fic #crisscolfergiftexchange #cc gift exchange 2017 #bee writes fic #NOW i can go read all the rest of the fic yessssss

[brianjaeger]

2019 Academy Award Best Picture Nominees Guide For Those Who Haven’t Actually Watched Them

It’s the 91st time Hollywood comes together to pat themselves on the back and this year marks the 5th time I’m bringing you the rundown of every Best Picture nominee so that you aren’t the “goddamn idiot” someone at your Oscars party is referring to when they ask, “Who invited this goddamn idiot?” Only, as in 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014  (check out the hyperlinks for previous years’ rundowns - and likely some jokes that don’t age very well) - this is all based on the name of the film, the poster for the movie, or things I’ve heard while flipping past Extra or E! So take it all in and enjoy my tips on things to say to other guests so that your party has an ending that is more like Ally’s and less like Jackson’s!

Black Panther

After Creed loses in embarrassing fashion to Ivan Drago’s son, he tats up, grows that hair out, and heads to outer space. After landing on a planet right between the planet from Avatar and Naboo, pissy Creed picks a fight with a space prince who was bit by a radioactive space panther in the movie that had audiences saying, “I bet Forest Whitaker is in this movie. How is Forest Whitaker not in this movie? I’m honestly shocked that Forest Whitaker is not...oh, yup, there he is.”

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

A little insider Easter egg here - Wakanda backwards spells Adnakaw, which happens to be the name of Thor and Loki’s OTHER brother who is going to save everyone in Avengers: Endgame. He’ll be played by...Forest Whitaker.

In a deleted scene, Black Panther’s brother, The Pink Panther, visits to check out the Wakandan castle’s attic and then installs fiberglass insulation.

Spike Lee really turned the super hero movie genre on its head with this didn’t he? (Pause.) Oh. That was...um...oh, well um... (Slowly walk backward out of the room and do not return.)

BlacKkKlansman

The Chapelle’s Show’s first skit-to-feature length film gives the big screen treatment to the story of Clayton Bigsby. Based on the success of this film, 2019 also saw the big screen adaptation of The Chapelle’s Show’s “What Men Want” skit to a movie starring Taraji P. Henson. In 2020, anticipate a feature length Rick James biopic, a Playa Hater’s Ball film, and “Game, Blouses: The Movie”.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

This film marks Ricky Jerret’s first acting role after he was cut from the Miami Dolphins by Charles Greane - who he thought was his friend - for his use of PEDs.

This film holds the distinction of having the highest number of different spellings on social media - just barely edging out Bohemian Rhapsody and The Favourite (well, in America).

Reggie Miller purchased a seat in the front row of the Oscars and is planning to wear a The Favourite jersey and baseball cap, then spend the entire show heckling Spike Lee and screaming, “See?! How does it feel the other way around?!”

Bohemian Rhapsody

Bohemian Rhapsody is a French film with a title that can be loosely translated into English as “The Sassy Singing Lad With The Donkey Snout”. 

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

A bit of trivia for you. Did you know that Freddie Mercury wasn’t his first choice for a stage name? It was actually Fred Mercury.

A bit of trivia for you. Did you know that Brian May wasn’t his first choice for a stage name? It was actually Brian February.

A bit of trivia for you. Did you know that Queen’s first band name was actually Princess and they didn’t become Queen until they married Prince...and enjoyed a Purple Reign? Yup - I will show myself out now.

The Favourite

Rain droups on rouses! This perioud piece stars Oulivia Coulman, Emma Stoune, Joue Alwyn and Nichoulas Holt! It’s abot a grop of people in the contry of England that’s two hors long and y will find fabulos! 

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

This is the movie about a Queen that doesn’t end with an AIDS diagnosis...I think.

Wigs and bodices accounted for 48% of the film’s budget.

The film’s title has nothing to do with the plot or characters and is instead a sly attempt to influence the outcome of the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences members’ voting.

Green Book

In this sexual thriller, we see the raw, animal side of Kermit the Frog as he provides details from his Little Green Book of every single Muppet he’s fucked. With an original working title of Fifty Shades of Green, we’ll see how Miss Piggy was at first a mousy and demure fill-in interviewer whose sexual spirit was awakened by Kermit’s dominant yet mesmerizing magnetism. Kermit also does some butt stuff with Bunsen Honeydew and gets down group style with all of The Electric Mayhem.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

There’s an odd cameo halfway through the movie where Mahershala Ali enters a gas station on the road and encounters a man in his late 20′s/early 30′s who says in a southern drawl, “I’m Stephen Dorff and I’m your partner,” then another Stephen Dorff, this one in his 40′s limps up and says, “And I’m Stephen Dorff. I’m also your partner,” then finally an old drunk one in his 70′s hobbles up and says, “I’m Stephen Dorff and I too am your partner!”

Mahershala Ali generally tried to avoid Viggo Mortensen, who continually would run up saying, “Dude, Mahersh! We have to get matching tattoos of the number two - for the two of us to commemorate this journey that we’re on together. It’s what you do with your cast mates!” When Mahershala would decline but say it was nice what Viggo and the cast of the Lord of the Rings trilogy did together, Viggo would walk off grumbling, “Hidalgo got a tattoo with me...”

*Before the next comment - be sure to do a thorough research on Google and on social media to determine the prevailing public opinion of if Green Book is a remarkable cinematic achievement faithful to the story of Don Shirley and Tony Vallelonga’s relationship and an examination of the complicated issue of race and its impact on friendship and business OR if it’s just another white savior movie before you speak, so that you can make sure that you’re aligned with whatever is currently the popular thing to say at that moment in time about this movie. Then say...

Ahem. This is the same director who wrote and directed a scene in Movie 43 where Hugh Jackman is on a blind date with Kate Winslet and has prosthetic testicles hanging under his neck which go into her mouth - and that’s, like, it.

Roma

Set in a world with no color, this movie is about a bunch of people (mostly children) hugging on a beach who may or may not be related to each other, may or may not be involved in some kind of national tragedy in either Italy or Mexico, and may or may not be sick, dying, sad or overcome with joy. I honestly have no clue on this one. But it IS on Netflix.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert: 

They say that Alfonso Cuarón painted a realistic picture of his childhood in Roma which is the exact same tactic he employed in making Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Netflix forced Cuarón to cross promote other Netflix titles throughout the film, so there is an odd scene in which Cleo’s son meets his Big Mouth Hormone Monster to talk about masturbation and then later on the family enters The Upside Down (or Al Revés de Abajo). Also, every single cast member gets a stand-up comedy special.

Yalitza Martínez plays a housekeeper here and after this star-making turn, she’s got it MAID!

A Star Is Born

Jackson Maine wants to create a star. But after consulting a high school astronomy textbook, he learns that the only way that a star is truly born is to squeeze atoms of light elements under enough pressure for their nuclei to undergo fusion. He closes the book and says, “To hell with that science shit,” then gets drunk and just hires Lady Gaga to write a song that sounds like she’s a child screaming at her mom to watch her do a dive at the community pool.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

As a first-time singer, Bradley Cooper devoted countless hours over several months in order to unlock the instrument of his voice to become a mostly-inoffensive singer. As a first-time director, Bradley Cooper bought one of those chairs with “Director” on it.

Bradley Cooper refused to urinate for the duration of filming until the big Grammy’s scene so it played better on film. He did poop a lot during filming though.

The young actress from Eighth Grade is already planning her Oscar bait remake of A Star Is Born to come out in 2043 where SHE plays the aging star and enters a romance with a young male singer played by Boy from Bird Box.

Vice

As the DC Comics universe continues to expand, we finally get the origin story of Batman arch nemesis and super villain, The Penguin.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

Unable to shake his Saturday Night Live roots, Adam McKay decided to insert a scene late in the movie where - unannounced - the real Dick Cheney walks in to surprised applause from the audience and Christian Bale acts flustered before stammering out that it is an honor to meet him. Cheney pauses for the awkward “oh my god, can you believe this” murmur to die down in the audience and then stiffly delivers, “You know, Christian, you could have just worn a fat suit for this role.” The audience erases all memory of the terrible atrocities that the man has committed during his lifetime and erupts into wild clapping and bark-laughing like seals while Christian and the rest of the cast just have to hand it to the guy for being such a good sport about it all.

Dick Cheney is just happy that A Star Is Born is in the field this year so that in defiance of Vice he also doesn’t have to root for any movies about gay guys, black people, immigrants, or foreigners.

While watching the film, Laura Bush continually had to remind a startled and frightened George W. that no, he was not trapped up in the big movie screen.

#oscars

[magicrobins]

“I’m prepared to keep you as long as I need to. Until I get what I want, you’re mine.”

Olivia Queen. Next generation DC Comics. 1,838 words. Most under the cut. AO3.

When she’d ran away from home for a life of crime, she had never expected the Queen name to catch up to her. Most of the time when she went out, she was Black Arrow, mask on and looking for something to steal. With her mask off, she didn’t leave whatever abandoned place Rider’s Deck was currently squatting at often. When she did, she usually stayed with her team so this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.

She’d needed to “pick up” parts for her motorcycle. It had gotten damaged in the last firefight she’d been in. Thankfully her way of getting parts was free – illegal but free. Afterwards she’d planned on meeting Cecily at a club, thus the short, skinny little black dress she wore with black heels. Heels weren’t ideal for riding a motorcycle with, but her years of training helped her to manage it.

The club was a hole in the wall kind of place in Coast City. It was frequented by not the nicest of people, but it was just the kind of place that any member of Rider’s Deck would choose to hang out. The chances of running into some hero in civvies was lowered, and if someone was stupid enough to do something that would bring cops, the place had plenty of exits to escape through.

What she hadn’t expected, after getting off her motorcycle and taking her helmet off, was the blunt hit against the back of her head. It was hard enough to knock her out, her vision momentarily swimming before going black. She slumped, caught in a stranger’s arms. The last thing she thought was that Cecily was going to be pissed if she thought she got stood up. She was out for the whole ride. A few times, she groaned, almost coming awake, but a hard slap would knock her out again.

By the time she actually woke up, each memory of being hit boiled and bubbled like lava, heated by anger. She was tied with rope to a metal chair in a plain, dirty room. It was obvious that no one lived there. The lighting was terrible, but she was certain she saw blood splattered on the ground. If she was anyone else, she probably would have been scared. She probably would have begged to be let go. She probably would have cried, praying to a God she wasn’t even sure if she believed in to keep her safe.

But she wasn’t just anyone. She was Olivia Queen. She was the thief known as Black Arrow. And she was her mother’s daughter.

There was a man knelt down in front of her. He looked like nothing more than a pathetic hired gun to her. Maybe he worked for Black Mask or Two-Face. Maybe he even worked for Lex Luthor or Ra’s al Ghul. She vaguely wondered what it was with men and having lame henchmen.

Olivia straightened her back and held her head up, meeting the man’s gaze with fire in her eyes. There were bruises on her face from being slapped unconscious, and she was certain she had one on the back of her head. The rest of her body, to her relief, was untouched. If she’d been touched, none of her captors would have left there alive.

“It seems you’ve finally decided to join us, Ms. Queen,” the man stated with an accent – Russian, maybe.

That struck her with some surprise. She tried her best not to show it. She was used to people being after her alter ego, not the formerly rich, still blonde civilian. It had been a while since someone had cared who she really was.

She did her best to shake off the surprise. “Oh you know how it is – always be fashionably late. If you’re on time, you’re a bore.” Her words came out humorlessly, no trace of a smile on her face. She needed to know why they had taken her, what they had planned for her, but she knew that creeps typically didn’t squeal until you applied pressure, and she wasn’t in the position to do that.

The man chuckled. “Well I’m afraid you’re going to be terribly late, if you had any plans tonight.”

Now Olivia had an attitude, there was no denying that. It was a trait so prided herself on. It stemmed from her mother – a take no bullshit kind of attitude – but it had been grown and nurtured since she had first joined Rider’s Deck. Something her and her teammates had in common was that they didn’t plan anything out. They didn’t wait for a threat to diffuse. They set the bomb off, fired the gun themselves. They provoked. It usually didn’t turn in their favor, but when someone stared you down, sometimes the best thing to do was hold their gaze and grin as if you had the upper hand, as if they were the one tied to the chair.

Her ankles weren’t tied to the chair – that their first mistake. Their second one was keeping her heels on. She slammed her heel down against the man’s foot, right on his toes. The shoes weren’t the boots she wore as Black Arrow, but with enough pressure, she’d learned any heel could be turned into a weapon. The man cursed and moved on instinct to check his foot. She was quicker than him, quicker than he expected her to be. She slapped the side of his head with her foot then promptly kicked him in the face. He stumbled back, sprawling on the floor, looking both shocked and thoroughly pissed.

Another person came up behind her and grabbed her by her hair, yanking her head back roughly. Olivia grit her teeth, a short grunt of discomfort escaping her. The man angrily pushed himself to his feet and stomped back over to her. He visibly faltered as he was met with a wide grin on the young blonde’s face.

“You fucking bitch,” he sneered, bringing his hand down across her face.

Pain flared in her jaw and cheek, momentarily stunning her. It wasn’t the first time she had been hit – it came with her line of work – but there wasn’t really a way to become immune to a slap unless she suddenly became invulnerable, and that wasn’t likely to happen. The grip on her hair was gone, her head turned sideways from the slap. She worked her jaw for a minute. It throbbed, but she didn’t think it was dislocated or broken. It would bruise, but it wasn’t anything Cecily’s magic couldn’t heal later. Her eyes rose to meet the man’s again, taking in his appearance. He should have worn a mask, she thought, that way she wouldn’t recognize his face, he’d have a better chance of getting away. Once she got free, and she knew she would, she’d make him regret that slap.

She memorized how he looked – his choppy, sloppily spiked dirty blonde hair, the freckles that scattered his face, the scar that sliced diagonally across his lips. If he got away, she made a note to find him. Her teammates would want him, want to make him pay for taking her and hurting her, but she knew they would step back and give her the reigns. She was the one hurt. If Rider’s Deck found him, his fate would be up to her. And a few of her teammates had killed before, and she knew they’d kill again to protect one of their own.

“Listen, I’m prepared to keep you as long as I need to,” he ground out, obviously trying to keep his anger down. It was enough to tell her that they needed her alive since he looked like he wanted to murder her. Whether or not they needed her mostly unharmed was yet to be seen. She didn’t think she wanted to take that risk. “Until I get what I want, you’re mine.”

Olivia’s first instinct was to ask what he wanted, what he hoped to gain from keeping her. If they planned to blackmail her family, they would be in for a surprise. If wasn’t that she thought her family wouldn’t come for her, it was that she knew they would, and they’d bring down the whole might of the “Arrow family” onto this man and his thugs. And as much as she thought she’d enjoy that sight, she wasn’t looking forward to a family reunion. She also found that she didn’t care what he wanted. Whatever it was, it gave him no right to take her, it gave him no right to hit her. In her opinion, though, it gave her every right to hit him.

“Listen,” she said, her voice coming out calmer than she felt. She wasn’t necessarily scared or nervous, but she logically knew that anything was possible. She could be baiting him into strangling her. Death wasn’t new to her. It was a threat she faced often. She grinned wickedly, a look she had learned from Harvey. “I belong to no one.”

He looked like he was going to hit her again, and she decided she was done playing his game. Secret identity be damned, she opened her mouth and screamed. At that proximity, he was lucky he didn’t die – he was lucky her canary cry wasn’t as strong as her mother’s. It shoved those in front of her back. They hit the far wall hard. Those behind her covered their ears in a pointless attempt to lessen the pain her cry caused. It didn’t work. They were soon on the ground, unconscious with the rest. Hopefully when they awoke, they’d find they had trouble remembering what had happened. She couldn’t bring herself to care too much if they remembered, though. No one would believe them that all some rich brat had to do was scream and they went down.

She glared at the man, unconscious on the ground, and snapped, “Don’t call me a bitch, you fucking jackass.”

The ropes that tied her wrists to the chair was the next obstacle. She wondered if she could direct a canary cry at them and break them that way. She worked at her wrists, moving and shimmying, hoping she wouldn’t have to dislocate or break them to get them free. Luckily for her, whoever had hired the thugs hadn’t hired the best in the business clearly. She managed to get one wrist free which allowed her to stand up and reach for an unconscious thug, snatching a knife she’d noticed on their belt. She used the knife to cut her other wrist free.

She heard footsteps running toward the door, telling her that the unconscious men and women in the room weren’t the only ones hired. There was a possibility that the footsteps belonged to someone coming to her rescue, but she doubted it. She didn’t need rescuing. She wasn’t some damsel in distress. She gripped the knife firmly and waited for the door to open. She didn’t need saving. She planned on saving herself.

#ask anna #dc comics #dc comics fanfic #next gen dc comics #fanfic #oc #c: olivia queen #s: next justice #v: next gen dc comics #my writing #mandi #this took me so long to write oMFG #like olivia why you gotta be so rude to me #i just wanna write you kicking ass #*mine

[tessatechaitea]

Darkstars #1

Of all the thousands of comic books I own, this is probably the most 90est of them.

I don't remember too much about this comic book but I'm pretty sure the pitch was this: "Imagine Green Lantern but with more police brutality and drawn by one of those Image boys!" Then four guys in suits dropped their pants and began jerking off into their briefcases full of money. Just look at this gorgeous artifact of 90s comicdom! A super hero with a testicle for a head, full of gritty, sketched-in shade lines. His fists don't attach to his arms because that kind of perspective is difficult. Better to have flaring blasts of power or big wrist cuffs on their gloves! His thigh is nearly as thick as his chest. There's a huge fat guy that is just drawn in that Kingpin fat guy Tweedle-Dum style because actually drawing obese people isn't something 90s artists practiced. Although I'm not sure how much they practiced actual anatomy either and that didn't stop them from drawing and inventing all sorts of musculature. Anyway, I'm sure I picked up this issue not because the art blew me away but because it was 1992 and there was a "Sensational 1st Issue!" blurb on the cover. It was an investment! And judging conservatively by the fine price of this comic book at Mile High Comics, I've made more than double my money! This series was written by Michael Jan Friedman whose name first made me think, "Wait. It was written by the Renegade guy?" But that was Michael-Jan Vincent. My next thought was, "Didn't this guy write Babylon 5 too?" But that was J. Michael Straczynski. This is just some guy who wrote a bunch of Star Trek novels. The artist is Larry Stroman whom I didn't recognize by name but judging by this cover, I wasn't surprised to see he worked on X-Factor for awhile. The issue begins with the testicle-headed Darkstar on space patrol trying to pull over some low level criminals. Why were we all so obsessed with stories about space cops? Not that I was! I just bought this for investment purposes! Besides, I've always been critical of the role the Green Lanterns play in the universe. If they were a space EMT force, I would hardly have any problems with them. But when they're portrayed as space cops trying to keep some kind of intergalactic Guardian law, they just seem like a bunch of fascist dicks. Especially when one of the human Green Lanterns uses lethal force simply because the criminal is non-human. I'm pretty sure that's something that happened and I commented on it in a past review and not just a strawman I made up to justify hating on the Green Lantern Corps. Do I really need rational reasons to hate on space cops? I hope not because I'm really getting excited to hate on the Darkstars!

Aha! So he's a disenfranchised Darkstar who's going to need to be reminded why what he does is important. Or maybe he'll just be a gruff asshole to his young new partner I'm sure he'll be getting soon.

Apparently this Darkstar had a case go bad on some planet called Jenuwyne. So now the job has lost its shine and he's not even sure what he does helps in the slightest. It probably doesn't! Who needs any kind of police force that oversees so many different cultures across such vast distances in space?! How do they keep all the laws straight?! You know they occasionally get confused and beat some guy for not signalling and later find out that signalling is a huge insult to that race. I mean, I get the appeal of a pitch for an adventure comic book about space cops. But ultimately, it seems to just expose the fascism behind forcing people to follow arbitrary modes of behavior. At least in the Star Trek universe, the laws are decided by a federation of civilizations that have willingly joined the community. In Green Lantern (and presumably Darkstars though I admit I don't quite remember what kind of space cops they are), the laws have been decided by a group of little blue men who think they know better than everybody else. I'm pretty sure, with the exception of a few of the adjectives, that describes fascism. There are three huge differences between the Darkstars and the Green Lanterns. The Green Lanterns are mostly green while the Darkstars are mostly red. The Green Lanterns use a ring on their fingers and the Darkstars use rings on their entire hands. The Green Lanterns create constructs out of emotional light energy while the Darkstars just blast shit with an orange beam that goes "VEEEEEP!" There might be more differences but I'm only on page 3.

I'm not going to cynically decide, on page 5, that Colus is exactly like Hal Jordan. I mean, Hal Jordan's head doesn't look like a testicle so that's one big difference between them.

Now that Colus has cracked the case of the hijacked medicine, he's being put on the next case: investigate Earth! He probably has to look into the concept of "love" and find out why these humans, with all their emotions, are so special. Meanwhile on Earth, some cop with the head of a typical Chicagoan totally wants to rough up the person he's talking to for information but she's a nun so he's all, "Fuck. Can I get away with that? I can probably get away with it, right? But, I mean, I guess I believe in God and that slim belief is really all that's keeping me from doing whatever the fuck I want. I mean, the law ain't gonna stop me from beating this nun senseless for information. Last I checked, the District Attorney liked the police being cooperative and is smart enough to know that sending a police brutality case to a grand jury would mean a lot of cops are going to suddenly stop helping the District Attorney's win percentage. So I could probably beat this nun but there's that possible God and heaven thing. I guess I just have to let her disrespect me this one time. Just this one fucking time." Then he goes off to intimidate some homeless people because who's going to advocate for them, you know?! I feel like I remember this Chicago-headed Dallas cop becoming a Darkstar. He's investigating the same case as Darkstar Colos: an alien drug called Loco or Loku being sold on Earth. Colos arrives on Earth to discover the homeless guy who was intimidated into being an informant to Detective Chicago Head, Mo, trying to save some other homeless people from being attacked by people on Loco. Colos intimidates him into being his Earth informant as well. Hopefully Mo will get his own Darkstars band too. The Dallas cop raids the warehouse where Mo told him the Loco was being distributed. What he finds is a huge alien creature and a brush with death. Or maybe death since the issue ends with the creature attacking him. But I'm pretty sure the guy becomes a Darkstar himself. I don't think I'd have an image of a Chicago-looking cop with a thick mustache and thicker head in a Darkstars uniform in my head otherwise and I'm not laughing at your perverse alternative reason for it. Darkstars #1 Rating: B-. It's just a cops in space comic book but more so than Green Lantern. I'm revising my pitch to this: "So if the Green Lanterns are sort of space cops, imagine Green Lanterns that are even more space copier! They'll be so much like cops that they'll hire an Earth cop immediately!" I think this was before John Stewart was known as a marine and Guy Gardner was known as a cop (or son of a cop? I'm so bad at remembering the DC history I should remember. I blame my brain having to react to all the retcons and crises). So having a legitimate cop on the space force would have been a novel idea. Oh, also, it was a mediocre cops in space comic book.

#Darkstars #Michael Jan Friedman #Larry Stroman #Scott Hanna #DC #DC Comics

[freudianshade]

So I watched Logan...

...and BOY was it a raucous good time! AMIRITE? AMIRITE?????

*ugly cries as she continues typing*

Anyway. Ahem. More of my thoughts under the cut.

So I have always been interested in the X-23 storyline. If you don’t know, well now you know because I’m going to tell you, X-23 was a mutant created from the genetics of Wolverine. She was raised in a lab, deprived of love or human intimacy, and trained to be nothing more than a killing machine. There’s something very inherently tragic and sad about a person forced to grow up this way. I think there’s something very compelling when you decide to tell the story of X-23 (Laura Kinney) and how she eventually learns to relate to her “father,” a man who struggles with his own humanity.

Logan tells the story of Laura but changes it to fit an altered retelling of the Old Man Logan storyline. In this new world order of 2029, mutants are all but extinct and an evil scientist (aren’t they always?) has been growing mutant children in Mexican women in order to train them to be weapons. It is implied in this story that the Mexican surrogates are then disposed of in their own gruesome, dehumanizing ways. Dr. Rice, the man behind the plan, reveals later on that he was also the reason why mutants stopped being born. He poisoned the food supply with transgenetic corn syrup.

Halfway through his monologuing Logan shoots him square in the face. 

Because smart people are morons and evil scientists are megalomaniacs who will tell any and everyone about their stupid master plans, even if it means giving the hero enough time to kill them. It was pretty hilarious. 

Logan was like that throughout its lengthy two hour runtime. I honestly didn’t notice how long the film was because I was so gripped by it the entire time. Seriously. I was so into this movie. This film had me invested in every damn character from the big players to the brilliant Stephen Merchant as Caliban and that poor farming family who were just trying to pay it forward. It vacillated unexpectedly from character drama to laugh out loud ridiculousness, and I enjoyed every minute. The film had everything I love about action movies. Deeply felt character beats, heroics steeped in real pathos, creatively choreographed stupidly bloody violence, and kick as women. Well, little girls in this case. 

Logan might, superficially, make people think of DC in its melodrama but unlike the DC films, Logan has earned your empathy and your tears. DC tries to trick it out of you with contrived conflict, but Wolverine and the man who has played Wolverine for nearly 2 decades (my God has it been a long time) has built a relationship with his audience and deserved the tears I begrudgedly shed. I mean. Can you guys believe Hugh Jackman has played this character for this long? In all the years he’s been playing this character, I think Logan is his finest performance. It’s unfortunate that voting bodies don’t take action films seriously because Jackman turned in a truly award winning performance. You feel Logan’s fatigue, his absolute weariness at still being alive, with every word. You see it in his face. His fight scenes are visceral. This is the Wolverine we fans have been wanting since 2000 when that first X-Men movie came out. 

Logan’s R-rating means that we can finally see the carnage those claws can cause. People lose limbs. Blood is everywhere. There is a scene in which Laura literally decapitates a dude and throws his head to her enemies as a warning of what she’ll do to the rest of them. It’s magical because it is so terrifying and so absolutely ridiculous that it shocks the laughter out of you. 

Laura as a character is just pitch perfect. She was raised to be a killing machine and in that sense she is an absolute animal. She kills with screams of rage. She crawls on people, stabs them without flinching, and is both precise and deadly. The sheer violence she is capable of exacting is so preposterous sometimes that I really just could not stop laughing. Yet she is also just a child. You see how she looks at people and things with curiosity. You see how she longs for caring human interaction, how she longs for Logan to be a father to her. You see her confusion about who she is as a person and what her place could be in this world. She behaves in bursts, responding on the defense rather than the offense. Her violence comes from rage and self defense. when Logan sees her in action for the first time you know that it’s not just surprise at seeing another mutant. It’s terror at seeing this little girl reflecting back to him the animal he is always fighting within himself. Laura, after all, is not truly an animal. She is a human child forced to respond with primal instincts because the world she has been forced to live in gave her no other choice. Like Logan, she was hobbled from the start.

When Laura comes to be in his care, Logan is forced to confront his own shortcomings as a human being. There is his inability to provide intimacy. There is his absolute crippling fear of closeness both out of fear for himself and out of fear for those he chooses to love. How can he be a father to her when he doesn’t even know how to love himself? How can he teach her to be a better person when he’s a piece of shit? 

There is a part in the film where Logan, Charles, and Laura share a dinner with a family on their farm. Charles asks Logan to pause and just feel what it’s like to be in a place where people love each other, where they feel safe. Logan refuses, but in his last breaths he finally allows himself to feel that with Laura, and it is gut wrenching. The other children look on and you have to wonder. Are they sad for her? And are they perhaps a little bit jealous? After all, Laura may have just lost her father but at least she was lucky enough to spend even the smallest amount of time with him. The others have nothing. 

Professor X is another fantastic standout in this film. You know that Patrick Stewart was going to be able to handle whatever drama was required of him, but he was absolutely hilarious and tragic as the 90-years plus Xavier dying of some unknown degenerative brain disorder, refusing to take his medication, and nagging Logan with every breath. The film begs us to wonder: if the most powerful psychic mutant in the world suddenly lost control of his mind, what would that look like? Well. It’s pretty terrifying and also kind of funny. Charles has outlived nearly all of his protege. He is bitter, guilt ridden, and living from day-to-day moving from self-awareness to a foggy denial. When Laura comes on his radar, he knows this is a chance to do something good one last time. 

Logan knows it too and he is tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of living. Tired of everything. 

As a side note, that poor family’s blood is totally on Charles’s hands. He just HAD to stay for fucking dinner. Like. If they’d just kept going they would still be alive. Logan should’ve made them both shut up and kept driving. For fuck’s sake.

Another standout was Fabio Wolverine. Dr. Rice created another Wolverine (because he is the most popular mutant I guess or whatever) and that Wolverine is still firing on all cylinders and has slicked back guido hair for some reason. It’s eerie watching him face off with the real deal. Logan now greyed, dying, poisoned by his metal skeleton, and decomposing is unable to defeat himself in that final battle. The film closes out Jackman’s truly epic career as one of the most beloved comic book heroes with pointed finality. It’s funny to think that years back, people doubted Jackman could play Logan. Now we couldn’t imagine anyone else in the role.

If Jackman is truly serious and this is his last appearance as James Howlett, then this is probably also the last we’ll see of Wolverine for a very long time. Well, at least a MALE Wolverine. I’d be pretty excited for a stand alone Laura driven Wolverine film where she takes up Logan’s mantle. WE NEED MORE FEMALE DRIVEN ACTION FLICKS. As for another James Howlett Wolverine? There is no way you could hire someone else to play the character, not with a swan song like that. We’ve definitely said good-bye to an era and while it wasn’t always the best, this final film certainly gave Jackman the send off he deserved.

#logan #film reviews #spoilers #logan spoilers #wolverine #james howlett #x-men #charles xavier #x23 #laura kinney #logan film

[waveridden]

okay, it’s 1am and i should be asleep, but like, i’m thinking about arrow, so come on this journey with me

earlier today i hit a point where i decided i’m going to be selectively watching arrow episodes till i’m done with the show, just picking ones with characters i like

that point was “hey let’s emphasize this character’s jewish heritage and then put her in a gas chamber”

it’s been hours and i’m still reeling that that was broadcast nationally on a major network television program

but like, i can’t stop thinking about the wasted potential here? there are a few changes that i think would make the show a lot better

like. okay. you’re telling me the queen family can get anything money can buy and they never once considered hiring a therapist for oliver? the only time they mentioned therapy was in the first cupid episode and he dismissed it out of hand but. c’mon.

i think an oliver with therapy might be an oliver that isn’t a total shitheel, actually. i think about this a lot, because the oliver we have without therapy kind of fucking sucks.

hey, cw, how’s your protagonist? does he still abuse women? i’m not caught up but i will wager all my savings that that’s a yes

i also think an oliver with therapy would’ve had a different inner circle who knew he was the arrow: dig, laurel, maybe tommy, probably not felicity (or at least not until later on), maybe thea once she got clean

god imagine a world where laurel knew from the beginning - or at least close to the beginning - that oliver was the arrow

she would insist on fighting and oliver would still try to stop her (unless the theoretical therapist intervened) but he would have someone permanently on his side in a position to help him.

jesus i just. a slightly more well-adjusted oliver would’ve made this show tolerable. enjoyable! a likable protagonist would go a long way.

so would a lack of anti-semitism and racism and sexism but, like, this is the cw, and it would take a lot of effort to fix the fucking garbage pile that they’ve created

you guys wanna play a game? it’s called “how many women of color survive long enough to get happy endings”

it’s a really shitty game to play. trust me.

there are a few options for therapists too, if you want to pick a character who exists in the dc continuity? like kent nelson! kent nelson could’ve been oliver’s therapist, and that would’ve been fucking baller. he’s a no-nonsense dude, established in comics canon, adds a lot to the lore of the universe, especially since you have the pretty good inherent tie to magic so they don’t have to do this darhk-reiter-totem BULLSHIT

sidebar: i think they timed the backstory wrong. i think three years, ending with argus forcibly returning oliver to lian yu and then arranging for his rescue, would’ve been just fine, only because i think the emotional state of oliver after s3 and akio and all that is a pretty good transition point to s1 oliver. (or maybe a couple months after that. akio dies and argus gives him a month to simmer, throws him back on lian yu, lets him get rescued, knows he won’t say a damn word)

at least, not until he gets a fucking therapist

anyways, i know not a ton of people watched the show “awake,” but the main character has a therapist (two, actually, but that’s a whole other kettle of fish) and therapy both helps him and helps move the plot along, so it’s not like this is impossible to do well

like, all of this is assuming that there’s a likable version of oliver somewhere in there, and the thing is, to me there is? there’s a dude we see glimpses of who values family to a genuine fault and guards the people close to him with his life, sometimes literally, and is astute and witty and suffered an series of unbearable traumas and nobody questioned his mental health afterwards, and i think a little bit of questioning would’ve done him some good, but what this show did to the seeds of a good character is unspeakable, and i can’t under any circumstances support this version of him

obviously this is a ripple effect type of thing, where these proposed changes to the premise would cause changes to the plot itself, and i can’t fully describe what changes i would make to the show because it’s, uh, an entire full-fledged television program, and i am but a humble fic writer who should be asleep right now

but something that would’ve helped this show a lot is a stronger moral core and i think they could’ve found that not in absolute morals but in a better exploration of family, and i think that oliver (namely in his relationships with thea and moira) could’ve been the perfect backdrop

oliver has very strong versions of Right And Wrong but those versions crumble in the face of what’s good for his family and that’s FASCINATING, what he perceives to be more important

show me an oliver who has to make that choice between the greater good and his family’s good! show me his attachment to his family! show me an oliver that won’t lie to protect his family but will instead tell them the hard truths.

it’s really too bad that this show did what it did. i saw someone say once that this show is built on a pile of dead women and felicity’s ptsd, and i think that holds true. i think that the version of oliver that the cw has put on our tvs is an abusive grimdark batman wannabe with no backbone, and i think this show had an interesting narrative about classism that dissolved into edgy bad writing, and i think that’s a total fucking shame. nothing pisses me off more than wasted potential.

there was a good show somewhere in there. this just wasn’t it.

#waveridden.txt #antisemitism for ts #abuse mention for ts #ask me to tag #my sincere apologies to mobile users #jaz versus arrow

[mongoose-and]

Wherein I take a moment to hate on Aaron Sorkin

Normally I like to say this blog isn’t a place of hate.

However, I do make an exception to that rule, for Aaron Sorkin: 

My contempt for this man is completely unreasonable, as I’ve never met him and only have a passing familiarity with his body of work. For all I know, he’s the most gracious, generous, kind-hearted man in the universe, with limitless patience, love, and understanding for everyone he meets.

I’m not immersed in his writing and I don’t consider myself a fan of his work.

From what I have seen of that work, though, I feel 100% entitled to spew venom in his general direction, because that’s what I got out of the half dozen or so times I ever tried to sit down and watch a movie or TV show written by Aaron Sorkin.

That’s the impression I think people would get from watching what he does.

io9 recently posted an article that Aaron Sorkin was in talks with Marvel and DC, but that he had ‘never read a comic book’.

So, for your benefit and mine, and perhaps Aaron Sorkin’s, here’s my hot take on the matter.

Dear Mr. Sorkin,

On March 28th, 2017, Katherine Trendacosta of io9 published an article asking for recommendations of comic book properties for you to explore, following the reveal of your talks with DC and Marvel about potential future film projects.

My recommendation: Fuck off.

No, that’s not the porn parody of the Classic 1997 Simon West film starring John Travolta & Nicholas Cage, Face/Off - that’s a suggestion that you stop talking, go away, and think about what you’ve done.

Let me help.

Look, you’ve spent most of your career doing the same Hollywood Writer thing that you and many other Hollywood writers like yourself have done before: codifying social norms that you barely understand through the haze of cocaine-fueled mania and your own sense of entitlement.

You’re good at it.

You’ve done very well for yourself and you should be proud.

A lot of people over the age of 50 have very fond thoughts about Sports Night, The West Wing, A Few Good Men, The American President, Newsroom, The Social Network, etc. My aunt and I watched The Social Network and we both thought that Mark Zuckerberg character was a real brilliant kid (her words, not mine) but a really misanthropic tool (my words, not hers). And then she looked at me expectantly for some reason. Aside: Spiderman and The Lone Ranger^2 were awesome in that movie.

And I get it: Comics are ‘In’ right now and have been and it’s a good hustle and it will still be for a while. You could make huge bank if Marvel scooped you up for the Inhumans or Defenders or Captain Marvel or something, and everyone would feel good about having a Serious Writer Person like yourself blessing these fringe, way-out characters and properties with a Serious Progressive Intellectual Person’s voice, like yours. It’s Important, and you gotta keep yourself in cocaine, cognac, and rohypnol. 

At the same time, though, you’ve used your privilege to shit on the rest of society in general, and to shit on other writers and consumers in other media, in particular, through your work and your words.

You don’t like the majority of rest of this country and perhaps the rest of the world - you think you’re smarter, better looking, more worldly, more important, and immensely more desirable as an individual than most of them; Fair enough.

You don’t like comics - you think they’re silly, juvenile, impenetrable, facile at best and mentally-corrosive at worst; to each his own.

You’re aghast at nerds and geeks who voraciously consume the details of fantasy worlds or revel in speculative fiction because you - mature, serious, worldly, attractive, insightful and sensitive yet undeniably masculine man (did I mention worldy?) - only write Real Stories about Real People suffering the Real Experiences of Real Life happening in the Real World;  and that’s great. You do you.

You’ve had the immense good fortune of becoming prosperous at a thing while simultaneously sneering on consumers and producers of other things and also not dying from a narcotic overdose or suffering a life-destroying encounter with law enforcement, the American legal system, or a palm tree; God bless you.

You may be waking up now, though, and you might be finding out that your choice of castle appears to be under siege - if only because of the fact that the aforementioned ‘other media’ is growing, and that the very rocks you’ve thrown in contempt at ‘others’ have been used to build castles of their own.

Or maybe not - in your own words: “It’s not that I don’t like them. It’s just that I’ve never been exposed to one.“ You’re right. Since 1961, comics have all been locked in an Aaron Sorkin-proof vault, shielded from all forms of pop culture or mass media consumed exclusively by Aaron Sorkin. You’ve never touched a comic book in your life, nor met a person who has touched one, because we’ve been hiding them from you this whole time.

Rather than look for a comic that you can co-opt, why not make a comic of your own? You love to write, don’t you? You can afford an artist, an illustrator, a publisher, all by yourself, which is a lot more than what most writers can do, at any stage in their career.

You might even be able to borrow Jeff Daniels’ or Martin Sheen’s or Matthew Perry’s likeness for a comic based on a thing you’ve already written. Or you can do something different entirely, write the kind of comic that you’d want to read, that you think comic book readers deserve to read. You can make the jump to a new medium, a new challenge, then bring back the lessons you learn to your script writing for a film.

If you have no affinity for the medium and no interest in comics for what they are, though, then you’re only wasting your time and ours. You’re taking up space. Worse, you’re taking bread out of the mouth of a writer who may love comics, who can make a fantastic script, and be an excellent part of any franchise, but because she didn’t write any episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip that made an executive producer laugh, they didn’t give her the job. (Not your fault, I know, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to remind DC or Marvel in those talks that maybe you’re not their guy?)

I mean, goodness, we’re talking about an entire form of media, here! You can either enjoy it for what it is, or you can’t. You’re either interested in learning about it, or you’re not. if a director came to you and asked ‘What’s an oil painting you can recommend? I just haven’t been exposed to paintings.” - you’d think he was nuts!

Look, you either enjoy reading comics - in which case, you might enjoy writing about those comic characters - or you don’t. You either appreciate them or you don’t. You either belong in the creative seat for that project, or you don’t.

You’re - and this is going to be the tough one - you’re either with the audience in this, or you’re not, man. If you feel like you have had no exposure to comics, I can only presume that your isolation is intentional.

But, I get that maybe contempt for your audience is a given, and that nothing said here will change that. if you’re committed to pursue this course out of sheer arrogance, avarice, ignorance, or some cocktail of the same - well...

...maybe check and see what Warner Bros or Fox are cooking up on the film front. They seem to think hiring people - who don’t like comic books and hate comic book fans - to make movies about comic book characters is a really good idea.

They’re very typical Hollywood, like that.

#unpopular opinions #silly #aaron sorkin

[tessatechaitea]

New Titans #110

DC has been "unleashing" characters for over twenty-five years!

Twitter might be a smoking rectum of a filth and despair but let me tell you what it's given to me. I signed up to Twitter nearly ten years ago, mostly to secure the name Grunion Guy. I think my first tweet was "Why are they called Sixlets when there are only five colors?" Fucking insightful stuff, that. Anyway, at some point, a junior high school girl from Missouri followed me on Twitter. I followed her back and she lost her fucking mind because Grunion Guy started following her. It turned out, her and two of her best friends loved A Really Scary Story and some of Grunion Guy's other stories that were online (I say "Grunion Guy's other stories" and not "my other stories" because some of them (some of the best of them and certainly the first of them!) were not written by me. I just sort of took over the persona). Apparently the stories had been something fun they shared and they were excited to be acknowledged by Grunion Guy. They were funny and clever and I enjoyed reading their tweets and following their lives. Since then, I've watched them grow into compassionate, hilarious college students. I'm proud of them like I would be proud of my actual nieces if they were the kind of people to make me proud (ha ha! Just kidding, actual nieces! Whatever your names are!). But there's a dark side to this other aspect of Twitter, this allowing instant access between writers and their audience. For the most part, it's what makes Twitter truly terrible. But long before Twitter, fans already felt entitled to the stories they expected. But if they didn't get them, they actually had to write a letter that would almost certainly only be read by some person whose job was to act as a firewall to the creator. Now when Tom King writes Batman stories where Batman actually has to deal with the existential ramifications of taking on the role as sole arbiter of justice to the universe, Batman fans can tweet directly at him saying, "You suck! Batman is about punching things, idiot!" I would like to believe that most creators ignore what the audience claims they want and just continue to express what they feel they need to express. Art isn't about feeding the masses what they want; obviously it's about stroking one's ego as if it were a massive cock that just needed orgasmic release. Mostly when people scream at me for writing shit they don't agree with, it doesn't bother me. On the other hand, there's a part of me that feels proud that when those three young kids from Missouri found something they enjoyed in my writing and subsequently followed me on Twitter, they were able to find that the person behind those stories was somebody they actually enjoyed interacting with, somebody whose beliefs they could respect and agree with. I can't imagine how disappointing it must be for, say, a Dilbert fan to get online and follow the douche that does that comic book only to be greeted by his terrible politics and inane philosophies. Actually, I can't even imagine somebody being a Dilbert fan so that was probably a poor analogy. Ultimately I know that who I am doesn't matter when somebody reads A Really Scary Story (a story which, might I add, was once read out loud (by Daniel Heath Justice, no less!) before an audience that contained Connie Willis. So I'm practically a Hugo Award winner myself!). But I'd rather be seen as a somewhat enlightened, mostly compassionate moron than a selfish asshole who thinks they're the smartest fucker in the room. While I'm rambling on about Twitter, here's a little free advice for debating online: only respond to the person angrily responding to something you've written if your response makes you laugh. And never respond more than twice (only once if at all possible. I just say twice for a little bit of latitude). I generally don't engage in "discussion" on the Internet. I "write" posts. If somebody responds angrily, I'll either ignore it, say something whimsically stupid in response, or will clarify once and leave it at that. Most people having debates on the Internet seem to think that they're arguing their side and that they really have to make sure their point is understood. But that's a huge mistake! Because nearly 100% of the time, the angry respondent has intentionally misunderstood what you've written, and will continue to believe that what they said you said is what you said. So even one clarification is probably too much but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Very occasionally, the misunderstanding isn't intentional and we can part on good terms. Anyway, Dick is traveling through the rain forest looking for Kory this issue.

Dick seems shocked by the acrobatic oral sex customs of these indigenous peoples.

Dick finds Kory in the jungle telling stories of her homeworld to this Amazonian tribe. If Dick doesn't stop her, Starfire's stories will soon usurp the stories of the native tribe, being that they're far more exciting and filled with more aliens and space lasers. She's going to destroy this entire culture nearly as fast as a white Christian missionary! Before Starfire can supplant the basis of the village's cultural understanding of their place in the universe by telling space operas, the stars of one of her space operas attacks the village! And just as the story begins to get exciting, the scene changes to the bureaucracy of Checkmate running the Titans. Now that the Titans need the government's help to battle lawsuits brought against them for their familial disputes causing citywide destruction (which the Titans deny but, I mean, have they been reading their own comic book? Eighty percent of their battles are against family members and the other twenty percent are against villains who have a grudge against the Titans themselves), they're being given political missions by the government. On one hand, it's despicable that they're going to be used as pawns for political and corporate interests. On the other hand, there's at least a 50% chance they'll actually be helping to make the world a better place for once.

What a surprise. There first mission is against a guy who wants to make the world a better place by saving the environment! I wonder if the Titans uniforms will have Shell, Mobile, and Exxon patches added to them.

How do I not remember this guy? That was a rhetorical question that means "I love this guy! Why didn't I have a shirt with him on it?! Why did I spill so much semen over Lobo when this guy existed?!" What I really meant to say was "Terraist? No wonder nobody remembers this guy!" You know when something clever goes a bit too far into clever so that it becomes fucking idiotic instead? That's the name "Terraist." But he's cradling a cat and a rose and he's battling for the environment! How is this guy the bad guy?! Just because he lives in Zandia? Fucking racist, man. Oh wait. Maybe I should have listened to the rest of The Terraist's rant. He plans on destroying the world quickly unless government's stop all pollution immediately. That doesn't seem insane and unreasonable at all! But I don't think his cat is into it. The cat just wants a few nice chin scritches and a plate of fancy food. The lasers that hit the rain forest were part of The Terraist's attack to save the world by destroying it. Maybe I was wrong about judging the people of Zandia. Maybe they are all fucking assholes.

"We know you can't get into space but we need the Titans to stop Terraist and his death satellite!" "You know there are heroes that can fly into space?" "WE NEED YOU!"

Red Planet declares that they will help and Arsenal is all, "Are you fucking nuts?! I don't have a rocket arrow!" But Flash is all, "I used to hate you because you were a Communist and Russian, Leonid. I just wanted you to know!" Fucking Wally. Although in Wally's defense, I once said this same kind of bullshit. I once told Mistina La Fave of The Prids how I didn't really like their music the first time I heard them but that I loved the show I had just watched before saying that horrible thing to her. Now in my defense during Wally's defense, the first time I saw The Prids (way back in like 2000 or 2001, I think? Yeesh), I also saw The Faint for the first time (touring for Danse Macabre) and I can't be responsible for comparing everything else poorly in relation to that glorious spectacle. But I still suck for saying that thing. The Titans decide to accept help from Alexander Luthor since he's the only private citizen with a ship that can get them into space so they can stop an eco-terrorist from saving the environment in completely the wrong way. This was twenty five years ago. It's like nothing ever changes! Why does anything we do matter if we're just repeating the same shit over and over again?! Oh God, I'm so tired! New Titans #110 Rating: B-. If you were paying attention to the cover, you might be wondering when Baby unleashed his beest. It happened over one panel where he attacked Steve Dayton but Dayton instantly downed him with some neuro-laser. I'm not sure why Checkmate didn't hire Steve Dayton to take down The Terraist since, using the transitive property, if Dayton can defeat the Titans, he should also be able to defeat The Terraist. Also, he probably has a ship that he's not letting the Titans use because he's tired of being used by them. Also he might still be insane seeing as how he's working on another Mento Helmet. Maybe going insane is the cure for being insane? So a second Mento Helmet is the cure for a first Mento Helmet! Man, no wonder I'm not a genius. When I break my arm, I rarely ever think the cure is breaking it again! But then, I know I've heard doctors talking about rebreaking arms to help fix broken arms! So I really am stupider than I thought!

#New Titans #Teen Titans #DC Comics #DC #Comic Book Review