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wouldduskwood · 3 years

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Jake's POV Descendants of Despair Part 9

Duskwood - JakexMC fanfic

Contains swearing and references to abuse types

Note: Much of this fictional backstory is improbable but was needed to give depth to the MC character (intelligence, street smarts/survival skills, manipulation and trust issues)- to make her reactions more understandable and leads on to explain other details later.

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I found myself gazing at her in a mixture of frustration and awe. She was an incredible mixture of clear transparency, allowing me to read deep into her soul...and a complex wall that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't breach. The more time I spent with her, the closer I felt...but her mystery remained. I tried to analyse every micromovement. Under the intensity of my gaze, she lowered her eyes. I wondered if she was as consumed in thought and emotion as I was. I hated to admit it to myself, but I was scared. Terrified.

I cleared my throat, deciding it was pointless to delay the inevitable. “Sorry,” she mumbled. She was sorry... I should have been taking control and she was sorry. I sighed.

“Don’t be, I could start talking too but…let’s just say I get where you are coming from.” My fingers grazed against the table top in an attempt to release some frustration. “It is like we are on a fucking knife edge. It is impossible to just sit back and ignore this, but…what I have to tell you… it could have you running for the hills and permanently ridding yourself of me. I may have a few tricks up my sleeve, but from what I have witnessed these past few days, so do you and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that if you don’t want to be found, it would be damn near impossible for me to do so.” I lowered my eyes, watching my fingers grating against the rough surface of the table. 'What if she does leave?' I questioned. When this first began, I would have been thankful for that...but now I wasn't so sure. However, I was sure of one thing, that I wanted her to be happy. “I would willingly let you go…if that was what was best for you…but not knowing you were safe…how the fuck could I even function with that possibility.”

She had remained silent during my outburst and I found myself wondering why. Had I scared her off already?

“You realise that everything you have just said is the same pressure I have right now. My past isn’t exactly rainbows, unicorns and fluffy kittens you know.” she groaned.

“Touché,” I admitted. “So,what? Paper, scissors, rock to see who starts?” I suggested with a wry smile, trying to lighten the mood a little.

“No, I’ll begin. Look I already know a bit more about you than you do about me. During our conversations on the phone, I put more pressure on you to reveal information than you ever did to me. That was manipulative of me…” She took a deep breath as I waited as patiently as I could, my gaze flicking between her and the tabletop. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

“Okay, remember a while ago when we were making small talk. You asked a specific question and it was the first and only time I have ever logged off before you…especially without answering...” “Mm” I mumbled. At the time I had thought I was getting too personal with my questions.

“You asked about my family and at the time I didn’t tell you. It isn’t a short story and it isn’t exactly something I am quick to admit to. I have to tell you now.” she began. I stopped moving my fingers over the tabletop for a minute and looked at her. “Okay, uh I guess I will start at the beginning” she grinned as if buying herself a little time to get her thoughts in order.

“A wise place to start” I muttered dryly and was thrilled when she laughed.

“Smartass” she groaned. That was something I doubted I'd ever get used to. It separated her from all the other females I'd ever known. She swore, got angry and called me out for my shit. She was the most real person I had ever met.

“Okay, I don’t exactly have a family. At least not one I know. The day after I was born, my parents walked out of the hospital and never came back for me. The nurses kept me there for a while as they tried to find where my parents were. Anyway, somehow I contracted an infection from the hospital and I was kept in until that was resolved. Unfortunately this had the negative impact of being classed as potentially being a sickly child…Foster care parents don’t generally willingly take a sickly child, unless they are really serious. There are several kinds of foster care parents. The genuine ones that aim to one day adopt, the ‘kid collectors’, the ‘save the relationships’, the ‘have a gifted kid’…” The list does go on a bit. Anyway, abuse is fairly commonplace in the majority of these homes. The abuse could be emotional, physical or sexual in nature….” her voice cracked as she spoke, indicating how deep her hurt had been. I cast her a concerned look and hesitantly reached a hand towards her but pulled it back before we touched. I wanted to support her, hold her, make everything okay. But the reality was, it wasn't okay and I didn't know if my closeness would make that fact even more raw for her.

She swallowed sharply then began her story again. “By the time I was 6, I was in a pretty dire situation…I won’t go into much detail here, maybe one day but…not yet. I remember staying awake late into the night contemplating. I cried a lot that night. Before dawn, I packed the few belongings I had and left. I had made the decision to try and make it on my own. It was a terrifying thought. I knew the world outside would be dangerous but I also knew I wouldn’t survive long where I was. I was glad I had left when I did, the sun was beginning to rise so my surroundings weren’t quite as scary. I made my way to the “ghetto” part of town and people watched for a while. I saw an elderly woman sitting on the bench near the railroad. I watched her for a bit and established she likely had a drinking problem. I recognised the telltale signs from watching my foster carer drink. I knew what alcohol could potentially do to somebody but she seemed safe enough so I approached her and asked if I could sit with her for a while. She took a look at my appearance and must have decided I needed help. She became my only caregiver and first real teacher. She taught me to read, write and simple math using things we found lying around. I maintained a cool and wary distance from her. I knew she wouldn’t hurt me herself but I also knew she would sell me for a drop of alcohol if it came to that.”

Pain mingled with awe. At such a young age, to recognise she needed to choose between the uncertainty of life on the street or she faced death...I had met plenty of adults that would have pissed themselves with lighter situations than that.

Part 10

#duskwood mc #duskwood fanfic #duskwood jake x #duskwood jake pov #duskwood jake x player #duskwood jakexplayer #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood jakexmc fanfic #duskwood

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jdmorganz · 3 years

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Meet the Blogger

Thanks for the tag @flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash

1. How/why did you choose your url?

I really like Jeffrey Dean Morgan and I felt like supporting him with my username felt right.

2. Any side blogs? If you have them, name them and explain why you have them

I am part of both @moviehub and @thatisentertainment

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

A long time. I’ve had it since I was a kid. I wish I could delete most of my old stuff, but the amount of time that would take would be incredibly long.

4. Do you have a queue tag?

I don’t believe so.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Truthfully, I was so desperate to make friends in the fandoms that I was part of. Isn’t that why we all join social media? We want to connect with people and make friends? So that’s why I did it. Plus, it makes me happy looking at the things I love and sharing those things with other people.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

I really like the photo of Jeff because I think it’s silly and so him.

7. Why did you choose your header?

I really liked the photo and I decided to edit it to add to the cowboy aesthetic.

8. What's your post with the most notes?

It’s this post. Now, I’ll tell you why this kills me. While I adore Hugh Jackman, I used to be a huge wrestling fan. I had older siblings, so I was really into it and I loved it my whole life, but John Cena is the one thing that made me stop watching it. I hated that everything became about him and because of John Cena, I gave up wrestling completely over a decade ago. So the child in me cringes to know he’s part of my set that has the highest notes.

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I genuinely have no idea.

10. How many followers do you have?

I don’t like sharing this number a lot and I almost feel like I may one of the only ones. I have a lot of followers. A lot. But when you share this number sometimes, I feel like people think you may be arrogant or it could make them feel bad and I’m never out to do that to people.

11. How many people do you follow?

As of right now, 709

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

To be fair, I don’t exactly know what that means.

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day?

It really depends. When I’m bored, I scroll and I try...emphasis on the word try to post a gif set a day.

14. Have you ever had a fight/argument with another blog? Who won?

Unfortunately, when trying to become friends with people in the fandom, I opened myself up to realizing fandom can be full of a lot of awful people. I feel like every few weeks I get a Negan hater giving me shit. When I was a child, yes a child, I had someone tell me that I should be raped and killed for liking a character on True Blood. I was a child. Sadly, I had someone tell me this too years later being a Negan fan. I’m not sure anyone ever ‘wins’ a fight on social media. I’ll just say this, I’m the sweetest, kindest person until you do or say something to piss me off. Then I turn into The Hulk, but, it usually takes a lot to get me there.

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

I don’t really worry about those kind of things, unless it’s to help someone in need.

16. Do you like tag games?

Sure.

17. Do you like ask games?

Yup.

18. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

I’m not really a crush person, but I love everyone :)

Tagging: @greghouse @danjlevy @letsby @naughtyneganjdm @scottxlogan @londoncapsule @itsjustafeelingthatihave ... really anyone should do this if they want. Say I tagged you.

#about me #personal #tag game

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hockeytrashgoblin · 4 years

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Ice Cold ~Part 9

A/N: Hi yall soooooI really messed up the timeline and hand to go through back to this point to fix it. I have it all right now I think. If I’ve fucked up somewhere lemme know and I’ll fix it! But now prepared to be bombarded because I have many parts ready to go right now lol Enjoy!

It was around 5pm when I got out of the uber at the end of the really long driveway to Morgan's. I had called Amy earlier and told her most of what happened last night. I left out the part about Auston sucking blood and I didn't tell her it was him but everything else I did. She agreed to let me stay home and do it herself as long as I wrote the transcripts for Peter's interview from yesterday. I told her I would and was on my way.

About halfway up the big hill there was a woman waiting there. She was striking. She had beautiful pale skin, blue eyes and dark curly hair. I recognized her immediately from the pictures in Morgan's office as well as her being a figure skater I admired as a kid.

"You must be (y/n)."

"Um yes."

"Morgan told me to expect you. I'm Tessa."

"I know I used to watch you skate when I was younger. It's really nice to meet you."

"That's sweet. Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes please." We started the rest of the way to the house. "So if Morgan told you did he tell everyone else?"

"No of course not. Morgan doesn't like metaling with the future. No one will know until you don't show up at the arena and by then it will be too late for them to stop you. They're going to Ottawa right from the arena tonight except poor, sick Auston so they really couldn't stop you if they wanted to."

"Okay good. None of them want me here. Mitch yelled at me this morning after reading my mind so it pissed off Kappy and Will too. I just need to fix this, ya know?"

"What if you can't?" She wasn't asking to be mean. I could tell she was genuinely curious.

"Tessa I have to. These boys all love each other. They're family. I can't keep ripping them apart. I'm going to talk to Auston while I'm safe and he can't get me."

"He is very weak. Morgan injected him with vervain before he left so that you'd be as safe as possible." I nodded as she told me.

"As long as I don't die I'm good."

"You absolutely will not die. I can promise you that." She said opening the front door for me. She lead the way down into the basement as she sing-songed, "Visitor Auston."

"I don't want her here."

"That's nice. Anyway (y/n), I'll be upstairs. I'm making some food so just come get some when you're ready."

"Thanks." I smiled at her as she started walking away.

The basement was dirt floored but I didn't particularly care. I put my backpack down and sat beside it with my back against the wall facing Auston.

"Uh oh, the princess is going to get her clothes dirty."

"I'm not a dainty little princess Auston."

"Yeah sure whatever."

"Listen Auston I'll eat a cricket right fucking now. I was in scouting for years, you think I give a rats ass about having dirt on my jeans?"

"Guess not." We were quiet for a little while before he spoke up again. "Why are you here?"

"I want us to get along. Or at least tolerate each other."

"Did the boys put you up to this?" I snorted at that.

"As if. They all yelled at me for even thinking about coming to talk to you."

"Then why are you here?"

"They're not the boss of me and they're travelling tonight so they can't stop me."

"That's brave, I'll give you that. So what were you so desperate to talk to me about?"

"Well first of all you have to teach me how to hide my thoughts from Mitch but more importantly what the actual fuck was that last night?"

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Fine then. Let me know when you do."

I pulled my phone out of my bag and saw a message from William.

W: You really are a brat you know.

Me: yes.

W: are you at least being careful?

Me: baby relax. I'm completely okay. Tessa is here, Auston is locked up. I have to do this. Please trust me.

There was a lot of typing and erasing but finally he sent another message.

W: I do trust you. I just want you safe. I understand what you're trying to accomplish, I just don't know if it's going to work. I have to go now but I will be checking in on you often. I love you.

Me: love you too. Have a good game!

I closed out of text messages and opened the audio file Amy sent. I started transcribing and Auston just sat there looking grumpy. Once I was done I looked back up at him.

"You look fucking miserable."

"I am fucking miserable no thanks to you."

"It's not my fault you're in there. You broke rules I've been told."

"Damn they're really fucking telling you everything."

"I'm going to be one of you some day. Morgan thinks it's important that I know."

"God an eternity with you?" He asked frustrated.

"Look Auston you don't know a fucking thing about me. I don't know how you'd know exactly how bad an eternity with me around would be. You're the only one with a fucking problem."

"That's what's pissing me off! No one else has any fucking problems about sharing all our secrets with someone who works for the media!"

"Auston I have known for three days now. I've been around journalists two out of three of them. Don't you think if I wanted everyone in the world to know about it I'd have told by now? I'll never tell a secret that isn't mine to share. Unless I get specific permission from the person whose secret it is, I'm not saying a word."

"Mhm sure."

"What happened to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Morgan said you and Kappy had some bad experiences but he wouldn't tell me because they're your stories."

"That's the worst thing that ever happened to me. Why would I tell you?"

"We could trade. I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me?" He was quiet for a really long time and I thought that was going to be the end of the conversation. I was playing on my phone when he spoke up again.

"Fine. Let's trade the worst stories of our lives. You're going first though."

"Why me?"

"So that I know you're not tricking me."

"And what if you're tricking me?"

"I won't."

"I don't believe you but what I do know is that I've got a few days and the 10 hour version of the gummy bear song ready to go. I'll get you talking."

"Whatever, just start."

"Alright fine. 2 years ago I was in a really bad relationship-"

"Fucking that's it? Your worst moment is a relationship?" He asked in disgust.

"No. Let me tell my fucking story." I snapped. He stayed quiet so I continued. "He was a drunk, drug addict. Very abusive. Hit me all the time. One time he threw me down a flight of stairs because I refused to snort coke a random person offered. He broke my wrist and ribs that night."

"That sounds bad."

"It was. But that's the tame part of the story."

"Cocaine and broken bones is the tame part?"

"Absolutely."

"What happened next?" He asked trying to be nonchalant about it. It didn't reach his eyes though, they showed a bit of concern.

"I broke up with him. I couldn't handle it anymore. I wasn't allowed to watch hockey anymore and even worse, baseball! Dude took away my favourite thing because I was 'looking at other men'. It was lame. I couldn't talk to my dad for the same reason."

"But he's your father?"

"Yes but he was a man. Anyone with a dick this dude saw as a threat. Even strangers on TV and family."

"That's messed up."

"You think that's messed up? Just wait." I resituated myself and cleared my throat. "So I dump him. He leaves to my complete surprise. I stopped leaving my house because he was always outside. About a week later I wake up to my door being busted open. In he comes to my bedroom. Without going into too much detail, he raped me just to prove he could. I was his and always would be. I kept screaming so he started strangling me. I completely blacked out. When I came to, he was gone."

"(Y/n) I'm sorry that's really awful." He said softly.

"To be honest with you that's the only reason the boys knew about what happened last night. I was in shock. You brought me right back to the absolute helpless, gut wrenching feeling that I was going to be strangled to death and I would never be able to stop it from happening. But worse this time because literally nothing I could do to you would've stopped you." I wiped a tear from my cheek and laughed. "Sorry I'm being a weak little bitch right now."

"You're not. You're not weak. I'm so sorry I made you feel like that. It wasn't my intention."

"It's whatever Auston. Tell me your story now."

"Mine seems kind of mild now.."

"I don't care, tell me."

"Fine." He grumbled looking at the floor. "When I was first turned it was by this really beautiful girl. Prettiest I'd ever seen. I was 17 and fell in love with her fast. It was a different time back then and we got married."

"What was her name?" He gave me a hard stare but told me anyway.

"Lillian. I called her Lily. She had the prettiest long black curls and the greenest eyes you've ever seen."

"She sounds lovely."

"She was. She didn't feel the same for me though. I was just something for fun, for her to waste a few years on. She did care about me on some level but it wasn't to the extent of my feelings for her. After a while she told me what she was. She'd feed off me all the time. Just a little here and there usually. She had given me some of her blood too every so often."

"Why would she do that?"

"Our blood can fix injuries in humans almost instantly. Don't get any ideas."

"I promise you on William's life I wasn't."

"Anyways one night she was drinking and went too far. I died. But because her blood was in my system from an injury earlier that day I came back as what you see now."

"So that's how it works? Dying with blood in the system?"

"Or by the venom. Apparently the venom hurts but the blood drinking is gross. The best way depends on the person and circumstances."

"Okay. What happened next?"

"Well she panicked. She had never wanted me to become like her. I was naive and thought it was perfect because we could be together forever. She didn't see it that way. We spent a few years together but she was drawing too much attention to herself. She was getting sloppy leaving bodies around, sleeping with other men. My parents questioned me about it and I told them everything like the dumb 20 year old kid I was. They told me they'd handle everything. Boy did they ever." He scoffed.

"What did they do?"

"They told everyone in town about us. About the monsters living among them. Everyone in town was furious at her. Coming into town and turning one of the beloved children into a monster. They burned the only woman I ever loved in front of me."

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry Auston."

"It's alright. I'm over her death. I have been for a while. It was the betrayal from my parents and family afterwards that lingers."

"What do you mean?"

"The only reason they let me live was because they all helped raise me. It was a small village. I hadn't caused anyone harm so they kicked me out. Said if I disappeared, I didn't have to die the fiery death she did. So I left. My self preservation instincts are incredibly high so I managed on my own until I found Morgan."

"That's so awful. I'm so sorry Auston. You were alone that whole time?"

"I found companions but I always left after a couple years."

"Did you ever tell anyone else?"

"After all that shit? Absolutely not. I swore to myself that I'd never tell anyone again and I haven't."

"Wow..yeah I guess I can't blame you. That sounds so terrible. I can't even imagine."

"Can you see now why I'm not very trusting?"

"Yes. I get it now. Especially if your survival instincts are so heightened. It makes sense."

"It's nothing personal, I just don't fucking trust anybody that isn't one of us and I don't think I ever will again."

"That's fair. I think you know deep down that I'm not going to say anything though. With both Morgan's word and Mitchy's. I don't care if you'll admit that out loud or not." I got up and brushed off my pants.

"Were are you going?"

"I'm going to get some food. But I'll be back. Don't think you're rid of me yet Matthews." I pointed to him as I walked away making him snort.

"I didn't figure your stubborn ass would give up that easy."

I went up and grabbed some food. I went to the table and called William since I knew he'd be out of the arena by this point. It had been hours since I got here. It rang once before William answered.

"I'm very upset with you."

"I know you are. If it makes you feel any better I think we've made a little bit of progress?"

"Love, I think it's so sweet that you want to try and fix this for everyone but I'm really worried about you being there."

"Tessa is here. Besides I don't want to be at my house alone when no one is here just in case. One weak vampire is still tougher than one Tommy. Even with just Tessa I'd feel safer."

"Baby I'm sorry you don't feel safe. We're going to have a talk about then when I come back okay?"

"Alright that sounds good."

"What have you guys talked about?"

"We traded worse moment in our lives stories. I understand a lot better now why he's so untrusting and nervous about me but I also think he knows deep down that I won't ever put you guys in danger."

"Yes I'm sure he knows that too."

"What are you doing right now?"

"I'm on the bus. We left a little while ago so we should be in Ottawa by 3-ish, maybe 4."

"That's good. How was the game?"

"We won 5-3."

"Yay good job baby! Proud of you."

"Thank you (y/n)." I could hear him smile before he yawned. "Darling I think I'm going to go. I need to get some sleep and I'm keeping Mitch awake. Good luck with talking to Auston about what happened last night."

"Oh I'll do it. I have a 10 hour version of the gummy bear song if he doesn't want to talk."

"Auston's gonna wish we actually killed him after that." I heard Mitch say. "Pure torture. She's a genius."

"Apparently you're a genius babe."

"I am yes. Thank you for noticing Mitchy. I'll let you guys go. I love you."

"I love you."

"See you soon."

"Bye darling."

I hung up and looked at the time. It was almost midnight. I decided to go down to the basement and see if I could get him to talk again.

"I thought I'd gotten lucky and you forgot about me." He said sarcastically.

"Not likely Auston. You ready to talk about what the fuck happened last night?"

"Nope."

"Alright." I shrugged at him and turned on the gummy bear song on my bluetooth speaker. I put it super far out of Auston's reach and cranked it.

"I've been tortured before. This isn't going to break me so you might as well just stop."

"Goodnight Auston." I went upstairs to William's room. I hoped he wouldn't mind me sleeping there then I realized how dumb that sounded and just got into bed. I fell asleep pretty quickly with the knowledge that Auston would be completely driven insane by the music in the morning.

#nhl imagine #nhl story #hockey #hockey story #hockey imagines #maple leafs #maple leaf imagine #leafs #william nylander #william nylander x reader #mitch marner #kasperi kapanen #auston matthews #morgan rielly #halloween #vampire

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emily-strange · 4 years

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Sparks Fly

Thank you for all the feedback on chapter 2! I hope you like this one.

Still a lot of talking but the action is coming in the next chapter haha I promise!

Chapter 3

Pairing: Billy Butcher x OFC

Warnings: Swearing, Mention of Violence, *very* mild mention of child abuse (very very small), Mention of Drugs and Weapons.

…………………………………………………..

Emmy lies on the ratty old sofa and dozes.

After Butcher left, she went exploring and found a shower with some clean (she hoped) towels. The water was freezing but it meant she was able to get the dirt and grime off of her. She grabbed a tank top from her bag but after looking at her hoodie decided that she didn’t fancy putting the gross thing back on.

In one of the dingy bedrooms she found a short-sleeved shirt with a ridiculous pink pattern on it. She gave it a sniff and after determining it was cleaner than her hoodie, she put it on. It swamped her smaller frame but it kept the chill off. After finding an in-date energy bar, she collapsed back onto the sofa and eventually dozed off.

This is where she is when (who knows how many hours later) the door of the safe house bashes open.

“It’s done MM!” Butcher shouts as he comes stomping into the livingroom. MM follows carrying a woman over his shoulder as he grumbles. Emmy bolts upright and is ignored by both men when they storm into one of the bedrooms.

As she sits, calming her breath from the intense wake up, a third man comes hurrying into the room. He secures the door and mutters to himself in French. When he spots Emmy sitting wide-eyed on the sofa, he straightens himself out and rushes to sit next to her, extending his hand.

“Bonjour.” he says delicately and takes her hand, giving it the briefest of kisses, “You are, the…”

Emmy smiles and takes back her hand. Something about this man puts her at ease, his demeanour is calm despite his rapid breathing and dishevelled appearance.

“Um, Emmy.” She answers and he smiles widely.

“Un beau nom!” he says and Emmy shakes her head laughing a little, “Ah, uh, beautiful. Beautiful name. I’m…”

“….FRENCHIE!” Butcher shouts, interrupting the quiet, “Get tha fuck in there ‘nd help MM restrain ya girlfriend.” He watches Emmy smile genuinely at Frenchie and after the night they’ve had it pisses him off. A lot. Frenchie’s caused too much trouble!

Frenchie smiles warmly at Emmy and glares at Butcher before going to the bedroom where MM is. As the door closes, Emmy catches sight of the woman they’d carried in.

“What happened?” she asks quietly.

Butcher takes off his coat and tosses in onto the sofa next to Emmy. He runs a hand down his face and ignores the question. Before she can ask again, MM and Frenchie come out of the bedroom. MM making a beeline for the fridge.

The tension is thick as Frenchie moves to another corner of the room, his hands in his pockets. He looks down at the ground while MM downs a bottle of beer. Butcher heaves a big sigh and puts his hands on his hips, looking like a teacher about to scold his students.

“We have a fuckin’ long day t’morow alrigh’? Last thing I need is you at each ovas throats. We lost tha female ‘nd now we have tha female. So end of.”

Emmy points to herself and queries, “Who, me?”

“No not fuckin’ you.” Butcher growls and Emmy sarcastically throws her hands up in fake surrender. He then turns to MM.

“Go home. Get some rest.” he then turns to Frenchie, “You, make she’s definitely secure before hittin’ the hay.” Both men nod before moving to leave. Suddenly Butcher shouts, getting everyone’s attention again, “OH! And no more fuckin’ strays alrigh’! I didn’t think I’d actually haveta say it but…..fuck. Come on.”

MM scoffs and leaves with a shake of his head.

Even though Frenchie looks like he wants to have his say, he doesn’t. He does however look between Emmy and Butcher before shrinking into the bedroom housing the female.

Butcher checks his phone and collapses into a ratty chair that matches the sofa. He tiredly hangs his head back and closes his eyes.

For a moment Emmy just sits and waits….but that grows old very quickly.

“Okay, look, I don’t know what’s happening here oooor who that girl is but…..enough. I’m not a fucking stray and I definitely won’t be ‘restrained’ so…either let me leave or kill me.” She says sternly. Anger and annoyance bubbling up inside her.

Butcher doesn’t move. And for about 30 seconds Emmy wonders whether he’s actually asleep. Then he opens his eyes and looks at her.

“Wanna beer?” he says airily. Catching Emmy off guard.

“Um, no I’m good.” She says, “What game’re you playing?”

Butcher pushes himself up from the chair and grabs a beer from the fridge, taking a long swig.

“Oh luv, this ain’t a game. That girl in there is doped up to her fuckin’ eyeballs in summit called ‘Compound V’. Know anythin’ about that?” he asks, watching her face carefully.

“What? No. Why would I?” Emmy replies getting up from the sofa.

Butcher takes a second to look her over. She’s cleaner than when he left, she obviously found the shower. And she’s changed. He smirks a bit to himself when he sees how big his shirt is on her.

“You said ya family pushed drugs. They’re also on Vought’s payroll.” He states, keeping his mind on track.

“Yeah they do. Did.” Emmy says, quickly catching herself, “But like, Coke you know. Sometimes Meth if the money was right. Never heard of…whatever V.”

Butcher eyes Emmy and takes another swig of his beer. She can see that her answer has satisfied that part of his questioning. She groans, “Look. I’m losing it here okay? You gotta tell me what you want man.”

“That’s my shirt.” Butcher says quickly gesturing to Emmy.

“Oh..” she stutters, looking down at the shirt, “Did you…is that okay?”

Without answering, Butcher pulls out the piece of paper he took from Emmy earlier, putting it down on the table in the kitchen area.

“I sent a copy to a cop mate of mine. She’s gonna look inta it.” He grabs three more beers from the fridge and hands one to Emmy before collapsing into the chair again. Emmy stands for a moment with the beer, unsure what to do next. Butcher sees her hesitation and can’t help but chuckle.

“Look luv. I’m bloody knackered. No ones dyin’ t’night....well….unless that thing in there gets loose.” He says gesturing to the room with Frenchie and the Female.

“Fine.” Emmy says with a sigh and drinks some beer. She starts to sit down but stops herself, “You know what?! Not fine. No. Why are you keeping me here?! I don’t know anything. But I DO know what you’re doing. Keeping me off guard, on my toes, hoping I’ll slip…..well there’s nothing to slip!”

Butcher smirks, he’s always liked a feisty woman.

“I get that you hate people with….powers or whatever but like I said, I didn’t know I had any until recently.”

“Right, so what ya sayin’ is, you’ve not hurt no one wiv it yet?” Butcher asks knowing the answer.

Emmy stutters for a second, then drains more than half of her beer before sitting to perch on the edge of the sofa cushion. She squares her shoulders and looks at Butcher.

Butcher smiles and even though he’d never admit it, he’s impressed with how together she seems. Frazzled, sure, but she’s a far cry from the girl in the alley.

Emmy basically growls and shoots daggers at Butcher saying, “My names Emmy by the way. Not ‘luv’ and definitely not ‘sparky’.”

“I know.” Butcher answers quickly with zero emotion on his bearded face. Emmy can’t help the roll of her eyes and that only makes him want to annoy her more. He knows he can be such a child sometimes.

“Look. The family…..they were bad people. Are bad people…..” Emmy starts and mumbles the next part, “…I didn’t get them all” She drinks the rest of her beer and Butcher gestures with his bottle asking if she wants another. Which she does.

With another beer in her hand, Emmy turns and sits cross-legged on the sofa. She looks at Butcher and agrees mentally with his earlier statement. He looks exhausted. She knows she should be scared but from a young age Emmy’s always had this feeling that she’s been through worse. She’s survived worse. “Look, what do you wanna know?”

Butcher narrows his eyes at her and hums audibly, “Tell me about this family….mafia shit.”

“Um, okay so like I said. I grew up with them and you don’t just get to walk away when you’re 18….by then you know too much. About the weapons, the drugs, all that stuff. Every couple of years they’d take in another kid and sometimes they stuck and sometimes...they…didn’t.” Emmy pauses to have some of her new drink and grows uncomfortable under Butcher’s penetrating gaze. He takes note of her tense grip on the bottle and the darting of her eyes. She won’t focus on anything for too long. It seems that she may not be afraid of him and The Boys, but she’s scared of something.

“What happened when they didn’t stick?” Butcher asks when he senses her getting agitated. Better to have her focus and get it over with.

Emmy swallows, “Well. Sometimes a van would pick them up randomly one day. Or…they just disappeared. I’m pretty sure they’re dead. I have zero proof of that but it was always a bit of a threat you know? If you acted up. If you didn’t want to work.”

Butcher nods and the grip on his own beer intensifies. He grew up in a house run on fear. Imagining all those kids dealing with the same thing, without anyone to stand up for them. It makes him see red. Before he can dwell on it too much, Emmy continues.

“I wasn’t great with the books. Maths isn’t really my thing...” She laughs humourlessly, “…but when they showed me how to make the drugs and put together the guns, I just put my head down and did it. I planned to run a few times but always chickened out.”

“You were’a kid.” Butcher says resolutely.

“Yeah” Emmy nods, “But I’m not anymore…was still afraid.”

For a few seconds the two of them just watch each other in silence.

Butcher recognises the same self-hatred he sees whenever he looks in the mirror and Emmy, for once, feels no judgement directed towards her.

“I was weak. I didn’t help anyone but myself…About 10 years ago kids stopped getting dropped off. That was a fucking awful time. They were pissed. That’s about the same time Vought stopped the payments. From what I could tell from the paperwork anyways. I didn’t have that much time to peruse.”

Emmy hadn’t noticed but while she was talking, Butcher had swapped out her now empty beer for another one.

“I think that’s why they started shipping…people” Emmy grimace’s, “more money I guess? Anyway. When I found out I broke into the head office and just…..”

“Snooped?” Butcher finishes and gives Emmy a smirk that makes her stomach flutter. Maybe it’s the beer…

“Yeah, snooped. I found the Vought accounts. I was transferring the PDFs onto a drive but was…interrupted…”

Butcher gestures with his bottle to Emmy’s face, “That how you got the bruises? The ones I didn’t give ya.”

“Yeah. Boss and two of his sons. He has a few. While his sons were…giving the bruises, the boss just sat back and lit up a cigarette. I hate him…so fucking much.” Emmy stares off past Butcher and he smiles to himself. The type of rage she has is something he hoped Hughie would show signs of by now. He knows she said she can’t start fires but if asked, he’d of put money on her eyes shining red with flames.

“He always did that you know. Lit one up while someone else did the dirty work. No matter what it fucking was…those fucking white sticks poking out of his fat, ugly face. Then all of a sudden, that fat face was on fire. And before I knew it, everything was on fire.” Emmy laughs, “But I was just stood there…in the fire and not burning. It didn’t hurt at all. Before everything went completely to shit, I managed to print off one of the account files and ran….and then some asshole kicked me in the face!”

Emmy finishes her story by raising her bottle to Butcher in a ‘cheers’.

She laughs again before drinking but Butcher doesn’t join in. He looks at the fresh bruises blooming over her cheeks and jaw and internally flinches. Emmy notices his grim expression but before she can say anything, it disappears.

“Look, we’re bad guys. But we’re not that.” Butcher says leaning forward, putting his elbows on his knees, “Whatta you willin’ to do to get answers?”

Emmy drains her beer and rubs at her tired eyes. Damn she feels tipsy.

“Umm, I dunno. Burn people alive apparently.” She answers, louder than anticipated and giggles. Butcher shakes his head and finishes his own bottle. Putting it on the ground by his feet.

“The girl in there was kept in a cage and pumped with some kinda supe speed…my job is to find out why…” Butcher begins but is cut off by Emmy’s hand throwing itself into the air.

“I’ll help!!!!” she says enthusiastically.

“Alrigh’ then.” Butcher nods and gets up, “Get some rest. N stay outta that room. Fucker killed many people t’day. Probably best you don’t run inta her until Frenchie can calm her the fuck down again.”

Butcher scoffs when Emmy salutes him. For a supe, she sure can’t handle her drink.

He watches her lie down and snuggle into the uncomfortable sofa like it’s a 5* mattress. He grabs his coat and throws it over her before making his way to the other bedroom. He stops when Emmy quietly calls his name. He turns and can just about see that her eyes are closed and that she’s pulled his coat up around her.

“…..I’m not sorry. About them. I’m not sorry.” She whispers.

Butcher turns the lights off and makes his way to bed without answering.

But he does smile.

#the boys #the boys tv #the boys amazon #karl urban #billy butcher x reader #billy butcher x oc #billy butcher x ofc #billy butcher #the frenchman #frenchie #mm #mothers milk #the female #kimiko #sparks fly #billy the butcher

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miggydiaz · 3 years

Note

for the salty ask: 3, 7, 10, 11, 15, 16, 19, 22, 23, 24, 25 and 27 for spn

I had to do this one today because I have a LOT of Supernatural feelings and so a lot of these are even longer than my CK one. But thanks for the ask @wonderwolfballoon!

UNPOPULAR SUPERNATURAL OPINIONS AHOY: INCLUDES ANTI-DESTIEL SENTIMENTS AND OTHER UNSAVORY ELEMENTS

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion? 100000000% I have unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion in the SPN fandom. SPN was the fandom that taught me to make JUDICIOUS use of the blocking feature tumblr offers in order to curate my experience. I would actually encourage anyone and everyone to use the blocking feature if they disagree with people. Honestly, we don’t owe anyone our time or energy, especially on the internet! It is much healthier than sending or responding to hate, IMO. 7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?* This is actually a hard one for me to answer, so let me start by saying -- I have not seen a SINGLE episode since 9x05? I think? Whichever episode was the Dr. Deanlittle one where he talks to animals. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the first 5 seasons, and they are all I watch anymore and I pretend nothing else exists after that (except The French Mistake because that episode is hilarious). But uh... I guess the simple answer is when I was originally watching it, I really loved Dean. He was brash, snarky, rough around the edges... but kind of soft in a I’m too toxically masculine to deal with my softness sort of way that I love seeing characters grow out of as they mature. But when I go back and rewatch now, much older than I was in 2006 when I first started watching, I see how awful a lot of his older behavior truly was. I still love Dean, and I will be a Dean girl until I die probably, but sometimes you gotta remind yourself that your faves have been problematic in the past so you don’t put them up on fandom constructed pedestals.

10. Most disliked arc? Why? AND AS A BONUS, MY ANSWER to 11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why? I could write a literal essay about all of the problems I have with the later seasons (the ones I watched, which encompasses 6, 7, 8, and a few episodes of 9). But by far and away, the thing I hated most, was the Men of Letters.

Okay, this is where I am going to recognize my love of certain characters is at FUNDAMENTAL ODDS with how that character develops later and what history and background we get later on them. I RECOGNIZE this character is problematic, and I would NEVER STAND for his shit IRL, but fiction is complicated and nuanced, and fantastic circumstances do not make for normal behaviors. That being said, with all warnings I could possibly give, and with the full understanding that what I am about to say is basically fandom blasphemy of the highest order...

I like John Winchester’s character.

I know, I know. If you wanna stop reading and block me now, you are free to do that. I will not hold it against you. I am not about to apologize for anything he has done. I just need to contextualize why I have such an issue with the MOL storyline and it starts with the simple fact that I liked John Winchester as he was originally presented.

To me, and with the full understanding that I am answering this from the perspective of someone who DOES NOT regard anything past season 5 as personal canon, John Winchester is the perfect example of a truly complicated character. Here’s a parent who, if we take the pilot and the original s2 Djinn episodes at face value, could have been a great parent, who then got shoved into a fantastically impossible situation and made terrible choices that he thought were necessary in order to keep himself and his sons safe. That does not EXCUSE the heaps of abuse that he piled onto Dean in any way. We know John and Mary didn’t have a great marriage. But we also know from the pilot that John was at least a caring and present father, mostly, for the 4 years he got to parent in a normal world, and that if Mary had lived, John would’ve been a softball playing dad who raised his kids and had a loving marriage with his wife. (Again, I need to reiterate, I did not watch anything past the early episodes of s9. If there is later canon that negates this, I do not know about it, nor do I want to because I don’t think of anything past 5 as canon) This is all important to me because these things emphasize that John was “NORMAL”. He was a mechanic, from a family of mechanics, whose father didn’t bail on him (a man in the episode where Dean is transported back in time to Lawrence tells John to ‘say hi to your old man for me’ or something to that effect). He was just a midwestern dude. Giving John Winchester a fantastical background through this Men of Letters bullshit made me SO MAD. First of all, I hate when later canon negates previous canon. I cannon TELL you how much I hate it. And the later seasons of Supernatural are riddled with stuff that doesn’t make any damn sense in the context of original, Kripke written canon, which is exactly why I stopped watching. That’s not ~Evolution of the show.~ That’s conveniently forgetting stuff that made your show and its premise so successful to begin with in order to keep filming episodes so you can keep making money. It’s the sacrifice of art for capitalism and yes I know this is a stupid TV show but as a writer myself it PISSES ME OFF.

/rant

ALSO, the idea that this toxically masculine family was set on this path by Heaven, and inherited this curse that put them on this path from their mother was such a good plot twist in its heyday. We spent four seasons thinking of Mary Winchester as a victim of circumstance, whose fate could not have been avoided because she was the mother to Sam, who is effectively cursed. And then, we learn that its BECAUSE of Mary that this ball even got rolling in the first place. IDK if you were around for that time in the fandom but at least in my circle, this was a big fucking deal. There had been so much (rightful) discourse about John before this, and what kind of parent he was, that Mary became almost deified in the same way Dean deifies her. And then we find out that this whole story gets set in motion by a decision she made because this was the life she found herself in. This was great. It was interesting. And even though the MOL doesn’t negate any of this, it does give John this weirdly fantastical that isn’t necessary. Let this guy be just some Joe Schmoe who fell in love with a kick ass hunter and had no idea any of this even existed. Let Mary and her want to be ‘normal’ be a complicated moral choice that fundamentally altered the paths of her husband and sons. It’s good tv!

Also, I fucking hate the bunker. The best episodes are Dean and Sam having moments in the car, or while in motel rooms on their cases, or whatever. I don’t mind them having a home base. I’m fine with that. But if a building could ever be a Mary Sue character, the bunker is it. I hate all of the MOL storyline, starting with this place.

I may not even tag this as Supernatural, I don’t need angry later season stans in my inbox.

15. Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?

There’s nothing good about anything that happened after season 6. It’s all a bunch of retconning bullshit. Season 6 had its moments where it was interesting, so I cut it a little bit of slack, but as far as I’m concerned, the show ended in season 5. I’m not sure that’s necessarily unpopular, but it does feel that way on tumblr, so.

16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

Aside from ending it in season 5?

Oooh, I’m about to blaspheme again. I am definitely not tagging this as Supernatural.

I would never have introduced Castiel, and I would’ve given that entire storyline to Anna. Or, alternatively, I would’ve flipped their story lines.

Look, for whatever it’s worth... I agree with the idea that Dean Winchester is a repressed bisexual. His Dr. Sexy love, the entire storyline with Benny in season 8, etc. I just don’t think he feels romantically about Castiel. And like, that’s okay! Just because you’re not into someone who is into you doesn’t mean you owe them a relationship or anything, no matter what the fandom thinks.

But I also think Dean has a big problem when it comes to women. Again, obviously later on in the series, Dean shifts and Charlie happens and Claire Novak and I know all of these things from gifs okay, context is not applicable here because I have none. But early on, Dean struggles A LOT with thinking of women as A) capable and B) trustworthy. He exists in a perpetual state of identifying women along the Madonna/Whore binary. Even Jo, however you feel about her, and to be clear, I loved Jo, but he doesn’t stop thinking of her really as a kid until they’re about to shoot the devil. Up until then, he’s genuinely surprised Ellen lets her out of the damn house.

Giving him a strong, capable woman who rebels against Heaven for HIM would have fundamentally altered Dean’s perceptions of women much earlier on than we get and would have forced him to examine some of that misogyny head on.

Dean has no problems trusting men. This is why the entire Gordon fiasco happens, right? It was less work for him to trust Castiel because Castiel is the inverse of Ruby. Angel to her Demon. Angels and demons don’t really have genders, but for the sake of presentation of vessels, man to her woman. Not even getting me started on the problematic parts of having significant demons mostly symbolized by women (Meg, Ruby, Lilith) and having significant angels mostly represented by Men (Castiel, Michael, Lucifer, Zachariah, Gabriel, Raphael), and how that ties into the idea of Original Sin and yada yada, but just like it’s interesting to have Mary and her decisions be the catalyst for the story, it’s interesting to have this badass warrior angel in Anna who marches down to Hell to yank Dean out, and through her interactions with him, decide to rebel against the ultimate patriarchy, while Dean gets an equally strong female counterpart to Sam’s Ruby, a woman for all intents and purposes that he respects as a soldier and an ally and not just a potential piece of ass.

Also, Castiel fans being literally unbearable is why I left the fandom. Nothing against Misha or anything, and not even anything against Cas as a character (who I very much enjoyed in seasons 4 and 5), but his fans have always been the worst and they try to insert him into everything.

19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

Castiel/Destiel fans, which even though I also hated the direction the show was going, drove me out of the fandom. Not like, personally or directly, but just the sheer mental hoops they had to jump through in order to make their ship work and I just got tired of seeing all of the contrived meta on my dash. Oh, and the rampant misogyny that came out of those early Castiel fans. I didn’t appreciate it from the Wincest corner, and I definitely didn’t appreciate it from the fans of the new guy. Gross.

22. Popular character you hate?

Oof. I don’t know. I don’t really hate Castiel, because again, I liked him a lot in seasons 4 and 5. Even 6 was interesting, even if I don’t regard it as my own personal show canon. I don’t think there was a popular character in those first five seasons I ever really hated. I didn’t fundamentally hate a character at all until the MOL stuff came around. Um. Yeah, I don’t really have an answer for this.

23. Unpopular character you love?

Pretty much every female character ever. Jo, Ellen, Ruby, Meg... although Meg became more popular as the series went on, Anna. Um. OH, BELA. Bela ESPECIALLY, I recently rewatched season 3 and I cannot emphasize how MUCH I love Bela. She was the best purely human foil ever. Bela is hands down the character I love most that the fandom had frothing at the mouth hatred for. It doesn’t help that I legitimately think Lauren Cohan is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. But seriously, Bela. Hands down.

24. Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not?

I have! Many of times, and ALWAYS WITH THE CAVEAT to stop at the end of season 5. Not a single one of them has listened to me and almost all of them came to me at the end of the finale and were like WHY DID I WASTE SO MUCH TIME, and I don’t want to say I told them so, but like, I explicitly in neon colored text once told them so, so like, idk what to tell them. But yes! I think if someone is interested in some classic mystery television that has an overarching theme of family and forgiveness and striking out against the boxes that life tries to put us all into, SPN is a great show. But only the first 5 seasons. Also, be prepared for some thematically problematic parts of the show because there’s a lot of cishet toxic masculinity in those early seasons, and we should examine our media critically. There’s also a lot of good though too, and IMO, the good outweighs the bad.

25. How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX?

I would’ve ended it at season 5. I would’ve had Sam escape the pit and seen him standing under the street lamp, but then I would’ve had him walking away to leave Dean with Lisa (btw, side note, I DIDN’T like Lisa because I don’t think Dean would ever be truly happy with someone completely outside the life). Not because Sam doesn’t love his brother, but because he *does* love his brother, and because he would want Dean to be happy, even though Dean and Sam’s ideas of what makes the other happy have always been a little bit screwed up.. but that’s a different story.

27. Least shippable character?

Probably Zachariah. God, could you imagine? And... maybe Alastair, but I’m sure there are fics out there that I do not want to think about.

#wonderwolfballoon #I cannot for the sake of my own sanity tag this #I don't need angry SPN fans coming at me #I hope the bold text at the top helps people to understand what's behind the cut

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salted-cushions · 3 years

Text

All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

Long-ass emo post that takes a long time to get the the point, be warned.

I have taken up running in the past few weeks. I am not a strong runner, but my aerobic capacity is slowly improving and I’m starting to enjoy it... slightly.

I ran a community 5K this morning, and the emailed me my results about an hour later. I ran it in 33:15, which was much better than last time but still slow as fuck in the grand scheme of things - the fastest guy there posted a time of 17:30ish, which I know because he lapped me about 10 meters before the finish line.

So I was pretty confused when they told me I ran the fastest time in my age category. Like wtf? So I opened the results page and sorted it by age category - and it turns out that out of 182 runners, eight of them were between the ages of 20 and 29.

Where the fuck do I find people my age to make friends with? Most of the people in my course don’t speak english well enough to really get to know them, and besides they tend to form their own little cliques based on nationality - the chinese students have their own little groups, as do the indians and sri lankans. The singaporean and hong kong group is a bit more welcoming (and they tend to speak better english too), but like... I can get along with them well enough, but not well enough to be part of the in crowd, y’know? And it feels kinda weird to be the only white guy hanging out with an entirely asian crew. Plus their main social activities seem to be hot pot and boba tea, neither of which I’m that in to.

I’d really hoped that I’d be able to make some friends doing this running group thing, but I guess only the young and old do it. Ever since I’ve moved back to the suburbs I just never see anyone between highschool age and middle age. And the people who are kinda around my age are like... young families who’re starting out with homeownership and having kids, just at a different stage of life than I am. I guess all the young people are living near unis or towards the city.

A few years ago, I wanted friends who went out and got drunk, had house parties, did drugs and had lots of casual sex. And I had that, for a little while, working at a bar near the city - we’d pull 12 hour shifts, sit in the bar after close and drink our paychecks, hit the clubs and dance for hours, hook up with strangers, crash somewhere for a couple hours sleep and do it all again tomorrow. But it’s not as fulfilling as I thought it would be, I think I only wanted it because I thought I missed out in my teens and early 20s. (Hospitality bosses want their employees to do this, by the way - they’ve created this culture where you basically get abused by them and the customers all day, then spend all your money drinking at your workplace to get the bad feelings out, and then by the time the next shift rolls around you’re so tired and hungover all you want is to get through your shift and get drunk again. It’s disgusting, and I hope I never work at a bar again).

So what sort of friends do I want now? I don’t really know. I want to be able to talk about things that are on my mind, share my accomplishments and have them celebrated, get support when I need it and give it when they do. I want to host dinner parties and cocktail nights, and go to my friends’ dinner parties and cocktail nights. I want to go to nice restaurants and classy bars for celebrations, and maybe hit a club and dance until I can’t stand once or twice a year - but not on a school night, that’s not very smart.

I guess part of my problem is I want to do everything and be accepted everywhere (thanks, ADHD). Not that many people want to go and see the ballet or a musical, and also get high and talk about life, and also exercise every day and be fit and healthy, and also get shitfaced and dance until the sun comes up. People I meet seem to have space in their lives for work or school, family, a couple good friends, and exactly one ‘other’. My ‘other’ is a list a mile long, and everything has to be done at 110% otherwise I’m not interested in the slightest. I miss dancing - but there’s no point taking it up again until I can commit $5k/year and 15+ hours/week to competition training, plus probably another $5k/year on costuming, shoes and travel. I miss world of warcraft - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna do 10-15 hours of keystones on top of raiding three nights every week. I miss league of legends - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna play four hours a night to keep my skills sharp, oh and also that game makes me so fucking angry that I’ve broken more than one keyboard playing it. I miss martial arts - I kinda wanna do jujitsu, but it’s so expensive and you gotta buy all the gear straight away, and I know that if I get into it I’ll start wanting to train every day and spend all my time and money on it. Plus I don’t always get along with the kind of people who do it - the typical BJJ guy is either an older dude who realised he was getting fat and had a midlife crises, or a younger guy with a shaved head and intense eyes with dark circles whose bought into the culture with a cult-like intensity and has the vibe of being on the precipice of getting an SS tattoo. I miss magic the gathering, but collecting cards for a competitive decks is an incredibly expensive and time-consuming process with significant setbacks every couple months when a new set comes out, plus MTG people tend to be have this unique combination of zero social skills, zero personal hygiene, and intense arrogance that makes them eminently unlikeable.

I like lifting, but I don’t really like gym culture - if it’s powerlifting, it’s all bearded bikie sorta guys listening to heavy metal. If it’s weightlifting, it’s very insular and cliquey (although the scene in my city is very small, so that might be a poor judgement). If it’s ‘bodybuilding’ - not people who compete, but guys who want big pecs and arms, and girls who want a skinny waist and a fat ass - it’s all ‘yeah brah’ meathead vibes and shallow instagramming. Besides, I spent all this money on my home gym stuff, so I can’t really justify paying for a gym membership just for socialising.

I like running, or I’m liking it so far. I don’t know about the people, they seem a bit too... normal for me. Everyone’s chatting about their spouses and kids and dogs, except the little group of competitive runners who seem to be more interested in training than chatting (funny that). Maybe that’s how I find myself and make some friends - keep moving towards having a house and a spouse and kids and a dog. That’s scary though. Is that what I want?

This has been on my mind a lot recently, to be honest. In a year I’ll be finished with my degree (theoretically) and hopefully find a professional, salaried job. What then? Except for the year I decided I would drop out of school and have a career in hospitality (bad idea), that’s been the point where my idea of the future stops for quite a while now. I know I want to buy a house or an apartment at some point, and since I found out that my sister and I are inheriting an interstate property homeownership is actually starting to sound realistic. I know, in broad strokes, the field I want to work in. But... do I want to live in the city and live the urbanite single life? Do I want to have a family and live further out where there’s space and more greenery? If my research project goes well, maybe I could try and get hired on as a research assistant, or if I find something worthwhile I could put together a PhD proposal (lol good luck with my amazing 1.1 GPA). I could work for the local government, or the state government, or the federal government, or a design firm, or a construction firm, or a consulting firm... the options are so many and I don’t even know how to begin evaluating them.

Of course it’s all a bit of a pointless exercise right now, because I’ll honestly take whatever job I can get when I graduate. There’s a lot of jobs for civil grads, but with my awful grades, dodgy resume and just being older than the rest of my cohort, I won’t have the luxury of being choosy. Public, private, non-profit, research, city-based, rural or even interstate - I’ll be submitting as many applications as I can and taking whatever I can get. And that will cut down my options for stuff like where I like and what kind of lifestyle I want to lead, like I can’t be seeing musicals every weekend and frequenting trendy cocktail lounges if I’m living and working off in Traralgon or whatever, and I can’t be living on a ten-acre rural plot with some sheep and a couple of border collies if I need to drive into the city for work every day.

I’m not ready to turn 30. I’m getting my shit together, but it’s so fucking slow and frustrating. At the start of the year I tore up my life and started from scratch - like I have every few years since I turned 16 - but I think and hope that this will be the last time, now that I’m aware of my patterns, medicated, and trying to plan for my future. But making those plans means... I need to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I need to separate what’s a part of me from what’s manifestations of ADHD. I need to figure out what I genuinely like, and what I think I like because it’s novel, or stimulating, or because I saw people doing it and instinctively wanted to mirror them. I need to dig through the ideal version of myself, the person that I want to be, and figure out what pieces are good and what aren’t. A couple years ago, I had this idea that the ideal me would say ‘I’m gonna do what I want, and the people who don’t like that can piss off.’ Well, I woke up one day recently and realised that I had no friends because that attitude had systematically pushed everybody that I cared for out of my life, so that’s one idea that I’m working on getting rid of.

There is one part of that which is very difficult for me to approach, though... and that’s my ex. She told me that she thought I looked hot with a beard, and so that became part of my ideal version of myself. I normally wear stubble these days - but with the nice clean line shaved into my cheek, just like she liked. I tell myself this is the way I think it looks best. But maybe I only do it because my ideal me is built for her. Before I met her, I already wanted to be fit, healthy and strong - dance training, lifting, sometimes running (but never sticking to it). But fitness was a big part of her life, and while we were together I absorbed some of that from her. It would be stupid to drop it from my life altogether, but I can’t help but wonder how much of why and how I do these things is constructed around her.

I never met anyone who understood me like she did. I’ve never liked sharing hobbies with girlfriends - inevitably they don’t quite get it, just as I don’t quite get theirs. Like, girls who wanted to play video games with me didn’t understand my drive to improve and be competitive - how when I play a game I’m constantly striving, in every moment, to be that little bit quicker, more accurate, more efficient, to make the right calls, to pick the right strategies. To them, a game is just a game to play for fun - and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not how I enjoy video games and I’m going to be intensely frustrated for every single second of you clumsily trying to participate in something I’ve spent thousands of hours getting better at. I can’t even play Mario Party without becoming a ruthless monster, please let’s put on a movie or something before my head implodes.

She got it, though. Not with video games - she didn’t give two shits about them - but about fitness. She wasn’t like those people who come to the gym to half-heartedly do a set on every machine and then go home to eat ice cream, or the people who just do an hour of incline walking while watching tv and playing on their phones. She did research, and made intelligent plans, and took it seriously. She’d grit her teeth and push through the shittiest days, where lesser women (and men) would have cut their workout short and gone home. She badly needed to succeed, so badly that every little failure cut her to the quick. Healthy? Fuck no. But just like me. More than me, better than me. We understood each other. And let me tell you, you’ve never known love until you’ve watched your girlfriend grind her way out of a PR squat that by all rights she should have failed - and then seen the elation on her face once she’s racked the bar and realised what she just achieved.

Jesus, I’m close to tears now. I just wanted to bitch about not having any friends and I’ve once again segued into pining over her. God I’m so lonely. Why am I like this?

Reading over that last paragraph... it does sound like I have genuine feelings for her, and not just an obsessive need to recapture the one that got away. So that’s... good, I think. It doesn’t change anything really... it doesn’t uncover a new course of action to take, or instruct on how to manage my feelings better. But I don’t want to be that creepy, obsessive ex. I’ve felt like that a lot over the past couple years, but only internally... I’ve tried to leave her alone and done pretty well, I think. Like yeah, I think about her way too much and stalk her socials pretty regularly, but if she doesn’t see any of that then... it won’t make her uncomfortable. That’s the theory. And I’m getting better with the stalking... I just open her instagram and say to myself ‘see? still blocked and set to private. you didn’t miss anything.’ and then I can close it and go about my day. Not great, but... better than the alternatives for now.

This is where it all comes together. I want to text her, have another shot, lay everything out and say ‘I want now what you wanted from me two years ago.’ And I think that’s an actual desire, even a plan, not just me desperately trying to grab on to the last few shreds of dopamine I could get from her. But... I’m not ready, and it’s not the right time. I need to keep getting my shit together, so I can face her and be proud of myself. I don’t want to be embarrassed by living in an ancient, dirty and broken-down house - but I’m working on that. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my inability to stick to an exercise routine for more than a few months - but I’m working on that. I want be confident when I say I’ll finish my degree this year. I want to be confident when I say that next year I’ll have a job and be looking at buying a house. I want to be confident when I say that I’m quitting smoking - or, better yet, proudly say that it’s been so many weeks since my last cigarette.

I hurt her, in the past. And I regret it, and I’m ashamed - because as I’ve learned more about myself, the reasons are becoming clear. She wasn’t happy, and she would break up with me. I would say, ‘well of course I don’t want that, but you need to do what’s right for you.’ And then I would go cold for a couple of days until she inevitably came crawling back - until the last time, when she didn’t. I shouldn’t have let it go on. And why did I let it? Because I’m weak and selfish. Because I ignore issues that I don’t want to deal with, and happily go on with my life as if they don’t exist. Because I’m desperate for approval and validation, and couldn’t do the right thing by her because it would have meant losing a huge source of that. Because I think I can get away with anything, and I care more about whether there will be immediate consequences for me, rather than if something is right or wrong or affects someone else.

I took so much from her. Her friendship with our other roommate - destroyed, and at the time I said ‘that’s between the two of them,’ but I was the one who came into their lives like a hurricane. Her house - she was the one who had to move, even though she’d lived their long before me - I was the one who should have moved out, but I said to myself ‘she’s the one who’s leaving, that’s her prerogative.’ Her gym - I should have stopped going there when things were moving towards the end, but I didn’t. Then I told myself that we went at different times now and wouldn’t see each other, so it was fine - until one day when she came in, saw me, went to the bathroom and hid for at least an hour until I’d left. It shouldn’t have taken that much to make me change gyms - and for what! That gym was her community, for me it was just the most convenient place that usually had a free squat rack. And I took it from her. All of these things were so easy to justify - ‘I’m gonna do my thing and if anybody doesn’t like it - they don’t have to stay in my life.’ I was so fucking selfish, and I have so much regret. The only thing I could possibly do is apologise. And I hate apologies - words mean nothing without actions backing them up. There’s no action that I could possibly take that could give these things back to her, so all I could do is grovel at her feet and tell her that I’m sorry and that I’m trying to be a better person.

I’m scared. Even if I do get my shit together and sack up enough to text her, and even if she actually replies, and even if by some miracle she wants to try again - I’m scared that I’ll hurt her again. That I won’t have grown out of my selfish, irresponsible ways. I can SEE the patterns, but can I change them? I think so... but it’s not an overnight thing, and it’s not a neat and direct path from A to B. It’s a messy, unclear, painful and difficult thing that I have to do if I want to be a better person, if I want be capable of having a stable and loving relationship in the future. I can easily see a future where, if all the pieces fall into place and we start dating again, I just use her up and toss her away again - just like every woman I’ve ever dated. Then I’m back exactly where I am today - lying in bed emptying my feelings into the internet - and she’s twice scarred from having me in her life. And then I hurt the next woman, and the next, until I eventually die bitter and lonely, looking back on the trail of pain and heartbreak I’ve left in my wake.

I’m scared of the other options, too. I’m scared that she rejects me and it doesn’t help me get over her. What do I do then? This would be a real hail mary, there’s no third chance - hell, the second is already a stretch. I just cannot go on for the rest of my life feeling like this - it’s been two years! The first three months or so were by far the worst, but after that it’s like... this became my new baseline. A bit of ebb and flow, but never gone. Maybe it’s worse than usual right now because I walked past her last week... and maybe it’s worse than usual because I’m trying to dig these things out from the depths of my brain in the hopes that the light and air will cleanse them. Maybe by going through this phase of rawness and regret, I’ll be better equipped to move on and this will all die down. Although I’m pretty sure I would have to genuinely accept that I can’t have her, and... I don’t know how. Maybe an emphatic and absolute rejection would do that for me. I’d probably have to throw away some of the stuff she gave me. I don’t know. I’m not equipped to approach that idea right now.

And then... what if she says we can try being friends? How do I navigate that? I’m not capable of doing something halfway, I’d spend every waking minute looking for an angle. It’d be an opportunity, not a friendship. That’s... manipulative. I don’t want to do that. And I don’t want to lie to myself and pretend I could do that. I don’t think it would happen, anyway - I don’t see that coming from her. Although I have seen her being friendly with an ex of hers, so... maybe I’m wrong.

And what if she says yes... but then I find out that I was in love with the idea of her that I’ve constructed over the past two years, and the person she is now doesn’t resemble that at all? What if I was just caught up with new relationship energy and a novel person, and really the connection and rapport wasn’t as deep as I remember it being? What if I do everything right this time, and still end up unhappy? I know that dating is always a risk, but... I don’t want to be dumping her six months down the track because she didn’t live up to this ridiculous, unrealistic fantasy version of her. And I don’t want to end up a bitter old man in a loveless marriage, any more than I want to end up a bitter old bachelor with a collection of broken hearts. I think about it and I’m pretty sure that the connection we had was real, and the reasons I want her are real and accurate - but ever since I started wrapping my head around this ADHD thing, I’ve stopped trusting my perceptions of things so much. If I want something, my brain will tell me pretty much whatever I need to hear so that I can rationalise my doubts away.

And that’s part of this whole thing - all this work that I’m trying to do on myself, how much of it is for her? I say it’s for myself, but I wouldn’t put it past me to be rationalising it that way, when it’s really all part of a larger scheme to win her back. Like, I clean my kitchen benches with spray and a cloth every single day now, sometimes two or three times if I’m cooking a lot. I think that’s because I want my house to be cleaned to that standard - but she had extremely high standards of cleanliness, so maybe I’m just trying to make myself the person who can tick that box for her. And I can say, well, if that’s the case that’s ok - the motivations don’t matter as long as you’re improving yourself. But if that’s the case... what happens after I text her? If we get back together, and my brain goes ‘cool goal achieved, we can shut this all down now’ and all the good traits I’ve painstakingly developed collapse back into nothingness. Or if she says no and I actually accept that, then my brain might go ‘ok this is pointless now, let’s get rid of it’ and the exact same thing happens? I want to be a whole, complete person on my own - and a good, responsible, reliable person who does stuff like keep a beautifully clean house - and so the idea that all of that might be built around this hope of having her back in my life is... uncomfortable, at least. As is the idea that I’m constructing a persona who’s only purpose is to win back an ex-girlfriend, as if life is some stupid romcom.

This has gone way off track, so... I’ll leave it there. R, if you’re reading this... I’m so, so very sorry about so many things. I hope you’re not reading it, because I’m not ready - for the apology itself, or the conversation that might follow. But I also hope you are reading it, because that would put the ball in your court and absolve me from the need for action - and I’m still too weak to do the difficult things in life.

When I told you I would come with you, I should have followed through. And I had reasons for not doing that - like I told you in my letter - but looking back I don’t think I was being honest with myself or with you. I was just too weak to do the difficult thing, and so I told myself half-truths until they sounded true enough to tell to you. All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

That’s it from me, everybody. Thanks for reading my blog.

#adhd #long #long post #poetry #...sorta #relationships #adhd relationships #emo #regret #loneliness #a bloo bloo bloo #prose #i miss you #i’m sorry #blog post

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that-bookworm-guy · 4 years

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I just wanted to share part of a scene that I’ve just written (so first draft, will be edited in the future)

So a little background to this scene, the story is set around a school for witches. Iris is a witch who comes from a non-magical family and is basically teased for not fitting in. Miss Silverfang is a stern teacher who tells seems to tell kids off for pretty much anything and is very strict, but she does have a kinder side. In a way, she’s a villain to the kids who read the story, but the adults can also kinda relate. She wants the kids to do well in lessons and just buckle down and do their work instead of messing around. A lot of the time when kids screw up, it’s because they didn’t read something properly or because they were messing around. If it’s a genuine accident, then she doesn’t get angry, she will tell the student how to improve for next time. But if their potion blows up because they were just throwing things in there because they couldn’t be bothered, then she is going to get pissed.

Iris and Miss Silverfang, as well as the school bully end up being transported away from the school by a goblin and they need to get back. They borrow 3 broomsticks from a witch, but during their flight, Iris’ broom is sprinkled by pixie dust (pixie are bitches, fuck the pixies) and it causes the broom to throw Iris off, at probably around, idk, let’s say roughly 4- 6 miles in the air. Iris is also 10, I should probably mention that.

Miss Silverfang rescues Iris and the three of them land safely in the school.

Miss Silverfang peeled Iris’ hands off from around her waist and turned to the girl. She gently held Iris’ hands. “Are you hurt?” Iris looked up and shook her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. “You’ve got a bit of wind burn on your face and the back of your hands. It’s not uncommon when you fall from so high up.” Miss Silverfang’s voice was calm and warm. “You had quite a fall there. I assume that pixie had something to do with it?” Iris looked up at Miss Silverfang and burst into tears. She didn’t know why, everything felt a little too much. She could feel her legs shaking and her knees gave way. Miss Silverfang acted quickly catching Iris in her arms and pulling her close to her body, where she held Iris as she cried. “It’s okay, you’re okay,” she said quietly as she gently rocked Iris. “It’s scary when you fall. I still get scared if I lose control. We shouldn’t have flown so high, that’s my fault and I’m sorry for putting you in that situation. You won’t ever fly that high alone, not until you’re all grown up. No matter what happens here, there will always be someone to catch you. You’re safe.” Iris sniffled and wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said. “No,” Miss Silverfang said, “Look at me, don’t ever feel bad for your emotions. Don’t say sorry for how you feel. Apologise for actions, not emotions. Things are big and scary and sometimes things happen, or everything gets a little too much and you don’t know why, but you end up bursting into tears. That’s okay, it’s normal. You were scared and you had a huge fall. You’re allowed to cry.”

This scene, between this ‘stern’ teacher and this child is something I would have loved to have read in a book as a kid. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t, but I still want this message. ‘It’s okay to be overwhelmed and end up bursting into tears, because it is normal.’

Of course, this is a different situation, she fell. She was scared. But she felt like she should say sorry for crying and basically apologising for how she is feeling. Now this is something I do, a lot. It’s also something I’m trying to stop doing. I started apologising for my emotions because I didn’t feel like I deserved to have them. I also started apologising because of a past relationship where I felt like everything I did, I had to apologise for.

I felt bad for feeling. I still stop myself from crying and feel bad when I do cry. But we shouldn’t. Apologise for actions, not emotions. Apologise if you hurt someone when you were sad or angry. But don’t apologise for feeling angry. We can’t control our emotions, but we can control our actions.

Also, stop telling kids to stop crying!! They cry for a reason, and a lot of the time, they are overwhelmed because things are confusing. Telling them to stop crying instead of trying to find out why they are crying, only causes them to feel shame. Which in turn, can cause anger. Just listen to a child.

Idk, I’m ranting a bit. I guess what I’m trying to say, is even now, I need to remember that it’s okay to cry, that it’s normal, and I don’t have to keep apologising for feelings I can’t control.

#Kyle writes #writing #writer #writeblr #writelr

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insporaelynn · 3 years

Text

📲 raelynn && jude

WHEN: february 9th

DESCRIPTION: jude fills rae in on stuff she missed.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: violence, mental illness luv

@judetaylorhq

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

cil just gave me the intel, i wish i'd been there to see it omfg

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

he is so bad at fighting it was adorable

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

did he at least leave a mark??

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

rae please..

this is cil we're talking about

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

aw, well what's important is that he stood up for our girl. nobody fucks with ellie.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

trust me. it's better he threw the punch than me.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

the guy would literally be in the hospital if it were you. if he was even alive???

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

exactly. been wa while since i was charged with attempted involuntary manslaughter.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i'd rather you never have to be if i'm honest

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

shit happens

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

yeah i know. but like i always say, if you're in trouble or thinkin you might get in trouble, try and call me first.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

yeah. i'm good. therapy and shit

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

letting cil do the hitting showed a LOT of growth

like i'm seriously proud of you

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

yeah. thanks i guess. i was more focused on not laying roman's ass out

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

what happened with ro?

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

fucking prick accosted cillian.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

WHAT?????

WHAT THE FUCK - WHY?

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

apparently his bitch sister fled the country because cillian didn't fall in love after one fuck

and that's cillian's fault?

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

wait. cil was that guy? she's always been real vague with me about it. i guess i know why.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

bitch.

anyways he got physical with cillian.

he's lucky he's not in a hospital room right now.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

jesus christ.

that's really not okay with me.

fuck.

that's so weird i've never seen him get like that. did he hit him?

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

no.

again, lucky he didn't.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

jesus fucking christ

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

it's been like two years since i hit someone.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

yeah and i'm fucking proud of you for that

well i mean i'm definitely gonna talk to him about it

bc idk he needs to know it wasn't chill

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

what the fuck is wrong with this chick

imagine skipping the fucking country bc some guy didn't think your pussy was ultimate

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

it's a tad dramatic. a tad.

i'm just like.....yeah i can't imagine

it's the sort of thing i can't relate to on any level

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

he's forcing cillian to apologize.

which i think is ridiculous. he has a fucking boyfriend.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

honestly i think ro needs to apologize.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

yeah no shit.

but you know how everyone is.

if cill and i don't kiss the ring we're the bad guys.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

well, you're not to me.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

i just get tired. cillian's been through so much shit. everyone just assumes they know him.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i love him but he needs to make this right.

ro i mean.

you know, if anyone actually took a minute to know cil, they'd realize he's harmless.

and funny, and just. cares about people.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

he's not harmless...he's hurting.

no one has ever fucking tried to help him.

like...last month

cillian decided to try therapy, and ended up going to a therapist who he's fucked.

and instead of that guy recommending a different therapist he kept treating him. said it was 'as a friend' not a therapist.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

....that's like, all kinds of unethical, the fuck

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

and when i got pissed off, somehow i was violent and aggressive and a bad person.

not one person has tried to fight FOR cillian. not one person looks out for his best interests. and i'm ust fucking sick of it.

aurora pretends to be cillian's friend but keeps saying he peaked in high school. like what a fucking bitch.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

she has no real stance on anything or anyone.

i'm texting roman and i genuinely feel sick.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

i don't care what he's done. i'm going to protect him. i'm going to fight for him. and if that makes me a jackass..whatever.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

no, it makes you loyal.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

it's not loyalty. i love him.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

loyalty is a part of love, or so i've read.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

he's always had my back.

fuck. i'm getting sappy now.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i mean like literally all you me ellie cil & dorian had were each other.

and in a lot of ways that's still true

when we were kids it was really just. us raising ourselves.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

i just..

i dunno. it's like i feel like if i can't take his hurt away i'm not doing enough

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

I know that feeling. It's very familiar to me.

But you just have to trust that you are. Especially if he says so.

[...] can u ask ur therapist if he can refer me to a colleague? someone in my network?

or just give me their number and i'll call myself.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

yeah, i have an appt. next week, it's been a while.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i just feel like i've been a different flavor of fucked up and maybe it's necessary.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

we all are. i'm still like.

so fucking angry all the time.

it's harder now that i'm sober

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

a guy made me breakfast and at first i was really happy about it but now i'm on my way home and i'm like "hm was that too much" and it was literally just food.

so like whoever gave me THAT particular issue can go to hell

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

yeah you need to chill

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

need to smoke probably

well i need to shower before anything. bc i'm gross.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

come by our place tonight

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i have work but i can come by before?

I don't go in until 10 and it wouldn't be the first time I've danced high.

𝑗𝑢𝑑𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑜𝑟.

yeah we'll be home

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

bless up

#texts #texts: jude #ch: jude

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on-fic-writing-spree · 3 years

Text

I’m gonna write?? A shit load of things I do down and uh can anyone tell me if these are normal things or not cause god I fucking hate not knowing and it tears me apart sometimes cause I really think there’s something wrong with me but I can’t say WHATS wrong with me and I hate not knowing but

Shit I do that honestly leads me to believe I have OCD or something at least:

I get into these weird moods where anytime I do something to one part of my body, I feel a need to do it to an opposite corresponding part. Even sometimes when it’s painful (mildly painful, I luckily haven’t gotten into these moods and seriously injure myself). If I don’t do it right I have to do it again. For example, if I tap my left first finger on something, I either have to tap all my fingers on my left hand, or my right finger. If my foot hits a wire, I have to hit my other foot on it. If I feel something under my nail and scrape my thumb under that nail, I have to repeatedly do it to each of my nails until it feels “right.”

If something doesn’t shut “right” I have to reshut it.

I can’t drink out of a cup anymore without rinsing it out. I standardly do this three times.

This one is kinda about something more personal but at one point we had bed bugs more recently (within the past two years I’ll give vaguely) and they were a huge pain to get rid of. When I was younger, the houses we lived in were real shit and they were far from clean (meaning yes there were bugs, this was when I was super young) and when I was a really little kid??? It never bothered me. But then when I had found out we had bed bugs and it was just such a pain in the ass to get rid of them, I couldn’t sleep, I straight up sat on my dresser all night and waited until morning. Then I’d tear apart my room, excessively vacuum, sweep, pour rubbing alcohol down all before I told my mom they were still there (my mom actually caught me tearing apart my bed frame to try and pour rubbing alcohol on it) and I just?? Broke the fuck down. Really badly. My mom bought heaters and we’ve rid ourselves of that problem luckily, but it absolutely?? Tore me the fuck apart, and that’s something I’ve developed rather than always felt.

Dirt under my nails (or anything) drives me nuts

Certain sounds or feelings make me grit and grind my teeth they feel awful

Textures in food fuck me up. Like any sort of seasoning that doesn’t dissolve besides pepper fucks me the fuck up when I’m trying to eat. I can’t swallow it. It isn’t like it doesn’t taste good, I can’t swallow it if the texture isn’t right.

Textures also fuck me up in terms of weird ass shit like my tomatoes have to be an exact firmness that’s consistent for the whole tomato or I won’t fucking touch it.

Intrusive thoughts and nightmares. They’re fucking bad. They’re really fucking bad and I can spend so long obsessing over them. Other times I have nightmares that I’m just so desensitized to that I don’t even react. Some of them I genuinely don’t think I could even say out loud because they were that terrifying and sickening.

If I touch raw meat, I wash my hands so many times. I actually once tried to keep count, and I washed my hands 7 times in the span of 10 minutes (and that’s what I could keep track of).

If anything touches anything that may have touched raw meat, it has to be cleaned twice, and I have to wash my hands. For example, if spill a little flour on the counter while making fried chicken, I have to wipe down the counter once to get off the flour, a second time with an anti bacterial cleaner (usually I do this more than once though). If a knife might have touched the bag that held a marinade (despite not getting the marinade on it) it has to be washed twice. I wash all dishes that involved raw meat twice.

Usually I don’t freak out about things that aren’t cleaned until I really notice them. My anxiety spikes while I clean, so while I’m wiping down the stovetop, I notice some grime on the handle bars, then I notice it at the edges of the oven, then I realize the whole front hasn’t been cleaned, and next thing I know I’ve been cleaning the stove for two hours and I can’t stop cleaning other things in the kitchen, constantly telling myself “it’s just this and this... and this... and that... and this...” and it drives me nuts if I get sent to bed before I can finish.

I’ve literally?? Started crying because my sister put something in some spot in the fridge and I was like “why would you put that there” and she was like “idk if you don’t like it do it yourself” and really I didn’t so I just started recognizing the fridge.

Yesterday: I drank out of a water bottle, not sure if it was mine or not, I glanced it and honestly I have no clue if it was air bubbles or backwash, but I immediately start gagging. So I go brush my teeth (with way too much toothpaste, and way too rough) and then rinse my mouth out 5 times, then go back out, get a new water bottle and rinse out my mouth until I am certain (you know how saliva is like more slimy than water??) that I only have water in my mouth. As if ANY OF THIS affects that I already drank the damn water.

Another weird thing I did recently: my cousin was doing my makeup, and she was using this homemade (as in like one of those DIY makeup kits) lipstick except she mentioned she had put the coloring from a nail polish in it and she got a little on my teeth. I couldn’t swallow my spit for about an hour, constantly spitting into the trash, and she had suggested maybe I just get a cup to spit into (the kid is a genius). It was a kid’s makeup kit!!! There’s nothing harmful in that shit!!! Anyway I ended up brushing my teeth several times and then forcing myself to swallow after rinsing out my mouth several times.

Sometimes people’s existence??? Just bothers the fuck out of me. Like my brother will be standing in the kitchen when I’m doing dishes, a few feet away and doing nothing, and his mere existence is just enough to piss me off. I just don’t think that’s normal???

After I wash the dishes, I have to wash my hands. Like my hands were just in soapy water?? Is there a point??

Despite all of this, I can’t keep my room clean for shit, but I know my makeup has to be organized in a specific way.

I get paranoid as shit that I’m going to hurt people, or that people will hurt themselves around me. Like there will be a knife somewhere near by and my brain will deadass think it’s going to drop and cut someone, so I MUST shove it back even though it wasn’t on the edge.

I once cried?? Because someone sent me a picture of a cup teetering on the edge of a table and god fuck??? I couldn’t stop?? It was so ridiculous???

I can’t write using pencils without a perfectly flat surface. I mean like textbook top kind of thing. Or if I’m drawing, I can use a mechanical one. But otherwise?? If I’m writing on top of wood?? Or desks that are made of that granite shit with the littlest texture differences?? No I can’t I have to write in pen and I’ve gotten in trouble from teachers for this

I don’t know. There’s more I’m sure. But like?? Can anyone with OCD or who shows a lot of these symptoms actually tell me if this is normal or if this is smth that’s actually not okay up with me? Cause idk it really fucks me up not knowing because I feel like there HAS to be an explanation???

#ocd #tw bugs #tw intrusive thoughts #mental illness

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lostinforeverness · 4 years

Text

Everything I meant

You’ll never ever ever see this; you won’t read it, you won’t think about it, you won’t care about it or mull it over or assault it. So I can say everything, all that I ever meant to.

The timeline is incoherent, ironically. My thoughts are a jumbled mess, I just have a load of junk and hearts.

1) You were hands down my favourite sexual partner ever, and I’m unlikely to ever find anyone as good. I’m coming to terms with that.

2) I used to tremble at night because I knew I couldn’t pleasure you, and threw up a few times at the thought of what that might make you do. I just wanted to be better, so I used to speak to you about it, like a grown up - you told me it didn’t matter, and I knew you were lying.

3) I believe that you truly loved me; I believe that you felt truly loved and adored BY me, but you had no idea what to do with all of those roses. You were neither prepared nor comfortable with it, right?

4) You were the only person I could reveal my tortured soul to.

5) You were the only person who could ever torture my soul by simply being absent.

6) Your family intimidated me, I’m not sure why - maybe because they seemed so stable and comfortable, which may have been their coping mechanism for dealing with past hardships. All I know is, it made me feel so unworthy for being so broken.

7) I knew you had cheated on me long before you told me. I could feel it, sense it, smell it. I used to cry rivers while I wondered how you’d tell me; how pathetic.

8) I hated it when he brought you gifts at work.

9) I hated it when he’d pick you up from work.

10) I hated it when you showed off your engagement ring at work.

11) I hated him, and he hadn’t even hurt me. I felt like a monster.

12) I cried out your name whilst screwing 3 different women, on separate occasions. I only got called out on it once, which I thought was kinda weird.

13) I hated that I was your emotional cushion, but you still preferred his cock. I felt like I had to escape from that, the image used to keep me awake at night.

14) I used to tell everyone that we loved each other, that you were having a rough patch, but it was only a matter of time. They told me to stop being stupid.

15) My friends wrote me genuine, hand-written apologies when you came back.

16) When you left again, they rolled their eyes and reverted to type.

17) I only went to see you at the restaurant, where you and big dick worked together, because I wanted you to remember that you loved me. I’m not sure if it ever worked.

18) I bought the ring because I wanted to propose to you; I’d never been so sure of anything in my life.

19) I still have the ring. It’s engraved, and so worthless

20) When I spent all my money on gambling, booze, and drugs, I contemplated selling the ring. I remembered it was worthless and opted not to.

21) I wanted to raise the coolest motherfucking kids on the planet, I wanted to do so with you by my side.

22) When you said you had been pregnant, and lost it, my heart was overwhelmed with both sadness and joy. You told me it was impossible, and I had resigned to it; suddenly there was such possibility, and yet such overbearing heartbreak.

23) When I wanted you to watch Love Actually, it was because I believe in true love, and I believed we truly loved each other - I actually thought having you watch a goofy film might have made you pick up on it too.

24) I never understood why you wouldn’t leave your fiancee for me.

25) I never had the courage to ask.

26) I left my first job because i couldn’t handle anymore the reality of loving you so much and you seeming not to care. I spoke to my doctor at the time about the stress this was causing.

27) Since you came back into my life, I have never once slept in the bed without you being present.

28) I’ve fucked people in the bed, but I’d sleep downstairs instead.

29) Being alone on a couch is easier than being alone on a bed.

30) I didn’t like that you’d put a bit of weight on, but you seemed intent on pizza and wine, so I thought it better not to say much about it.

31) It kind of turned me off, honestly. Until we actually got to it, then I remembered how great you were in bed, and I got over it. (cause it’s the type of thing that only matters ‘physically’)

32) One night, I climbed on that garage roof next to the White Lion. I stayed there for like 6 whole hours. I watched you from afar, there were lots of reasons why:

32A) I wanted to see if you looked like you missed me.

32B) I wanted to see if he would turn up.

32C) I wanted to see if you would leave for his house.

32D) I wanted to see if you were happy, so that I could hate you if you were, to give my brokenness some kind of legitimacy.

33) I felt terrible about it and like I’d done a really awful, creepy thing. I had.

34) I left you to have my house key because I thought you were coming back.

35) The night I came to collect it, I had been drinking heavily - I saw you and he were back together, and I cried all the way to your house.

36) When you didn’t answer my calls and texts that night, I thought you had some weird kind of vendetta against me, that it was your way of getting back at me.

37) My favourite holiday ever was the one we had together.

38) I hated the last part of that holiday, when it became clear you didn’t want sex with me and were desperate to fall out with me. I now know that’s because you’d already cheated and hate yourself, but I couldn’t understand at the time why it felt like you hated ME.

39) I love you.

40) I like you.

41) I love your company.

42) I love being serious with you.

43) I love being silly with you.

44) I miss you every day.

45) I love you.

46) I love your style, I love your attitude.

47) I love you.

48) I never felt worthy of you; you’re kickass, and you’re a straight up babe - I’m a loser with stained teeth, no future, and bad habits.

49) I begged every night that you’d forgive me for being shit in bed.

50) I wanted to spend time through the day with you more cause I felt like I sucked at being your nighttime companion.

51) I considered asking if you wanted me to watch other men fuck you because I couldn’t do it right. I decided against it.

52) I love the way you are with strangers.

53) I love the way you were with Lily.

54) I love the way you were with my mum.

55) You always seemed to know what to say.

56) I hated you being drunk when I wasn’t. Usually, the reason was that I was skint, but I didn’t want to tell you that; I already considered myself a bottom-dwelling male who didn’t deserve you, I didn’t need more of it to deal with in my head. So I just pretended i didn’t want a drink. I wanted to get pissed and have fun with you, just like we always had. But I’m always skint.

57) I wanted to see all the really cool places in the world with you, places nobody else would ever bother going to with me - Peru, India, New Zealand. I don’t know how I intended to pay for it.

58) I still love you.

59) I still miss you.

60) I used to dream about our little baby, and what might have been.

61) In the dreams, we were fucking great parents. You never listened to your parents, and I never listened to mine - instead, we raised them in our own way, and it was the most beautiful glorious thing ever.

62) The kid always loved you more than me. I don’t know if that means anything.

63) I forgave you for everything.

64) I didn’t know how to forgive you and also make you realise how hurt I HAD been.

65) I see now that your drinking and abuse was your guilt. At the time, I thought it was you pretending that nothing was wrong, and I felt violated.

66) I regret not sweeping you off your feet sooner.

67) I also felt incapable.

68) I just want to spend some time with you, watch a stupid movie, go for a stupid long walk, smoke some stupid cigarettes, have embarrassing stupid sex, and hear your stupid laugh.

69) I told all my family in Ireland about you, how much I loved you. They still ask me about you, which is why I haven’t spoken to them - I don’t know how to explain to them that such powerful amazing love could end in such failure.

70) I feel like a massive failure.

71) I don’t know what it is about me that could make you love me.

72) Yet I do believe you love me. It’s really weird.

73) I just wish we could go back in time, be simple again, and work our way up from there.

74) We’d have a house and a family by now, our own space, our own freedom, our own life.

75) I fucked up just as much as you did, and I never knew how to get that across.

I just want you back in my life again. I want to hold you, laugh with you, travel with you, feel you, fuck you.

I’m resigned to the fact that I can’t do any of that, or have any of that. And it will never feel okay, it will always feel like a huge, unnecessary, depressing failure.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the man you needed me to be. But hear me, honestly - I’m still fucking desperate to be him. But I can’t be, can I?

I’m just not good enough.

Not good enough.

Not enough.

Not.

#kellston #junkofhearts #regret #i miss it #i miss them #i miss you

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prorevenge · 5 years

Text

My homophobic English teacher...

I saw a post on here recently about someone's horrible English teacher, and it reminded me of my own experience. TL;DR at the bottom. Doing this requires a quick lesson on the Australian high school system (I'll keep it short, don't worry). Basically, there are 6 years of Australian high school, from grades 7 through to 12. 7-10 are prep years where your grades don't carry over, then grades 11 and 12 are your big bad years with huge exams similar to the American system. When entering grade 11, you get to choose whether you want to pursue a path to university- doing this requires you to do ATAR subjects, which are the hardest subjects available. Your final grade in your last year is what universities use to decide if you get in. Basically, you have one year to really make it count. Grade 12 is the year to finally show off everything you've learned after your whole life at school. It's basically do or die, the hardest year of your life.

So, to begin this story, let me explain that I am good at English. Like, really good at English. I won awards and got accepted into state recognised programs for how good I am at English. It was the one subject I could guarantee to get an A in. So, naturally, I chose ATAR level English- I'd always wanted to get into some kind of English based university course. When I entered my grade 12 class I was greeted by my teacher, who we can call Mrs Slug, since she looked like a fat slimy slug. This was the kind of teacher that just handed out worksheets and sat behind her desk for the class and didn't actually teach. It was frustrating since this was my final year and I wanted my grades to be as good as possible, but I was confident in my ability to just pick it up on my own, so I didn't complain about it.

Then it came time for the first assessment. It was a creative writing piece, and short stories are my shit, so I wrote a short story. I followed the marking key carefully while also adding my own flare to the story to make it really entertaining and thought-provoking. The story was basically a dark romance told in first person, where the gender of the perspective character wasn't revealed until right at the end, thus revealing the couple to be gay. I specifically kept the main character's gender ambiguous until that point, since I wanted the reader to assume it was a girl then have a shock at the reveal. I contacted some of my friends from my high-level English programs and they all loved it. So I happily submitted it. I didn't think too much of it- I was interested to see how my ability held up in the highest level of school, but I wasn't expecting anything below a B. Then I got my result back.

Failed.

I couldn't believe it. I was genuinely confused. There were absolutely no marks on my paper, no red pen, no details as to why I failed, just a big fat 8/20 on the back of my paper. I was really upset, obviously, since I'd worked hard on it and it was the first time I'd failed an English assignment ever. I went to Mrs Slug and asked her what was wrong with it. She fluffed around and gave me an answer that essentially boiled down to, "I didn't like it." That was it. She had no reason to fail the story, she just didn't like it. News flash, that's not how marking creative writing works. If it'd been any other year, maybe I would've just blown it off and moved on, but this was grade 12. This failure could be the difference between getting into university and getting rejected.

So I went to the head of the English department at my school and requested a regrading. I didn't tell him that I'd failed it, just that I wanted more feedback. He gave it back to me as an 18/20. I then slammed my failing grade onto the desk and asked him to explain. Clearly, Mrs Slug stood by her grade, because instead of just changing my mark, they sent my writing to the top school in the state to get remarked again. It came back 19/20. Needless to say, my mark was changed to an A.

The next few assignments went relatively the same. Even when she passed me, I asked to be reassessed and my mark was always made higher than what she'd given me. Eventually, I complained enough times that they started rotating which teacher marked my work so no one could sabotage it. Even still, I always knew when Mrs Slug had been the one to mark it, because there was never any feedback on it, just a barely above average mark that eventually was changed to an A. I didn't get below 80% on any assignments for the entire year, and bare in mind, she hadn't taught anything in her class. I basically taught everyone myself and did the work at home so my peers also wanting to get into university had a shot (most of them did get in, can I add). I didn't understand why Mrs Slug didn't like my story (or me) until one day a discussion on politics came up in my class.

She's very, very right wing. A Donald Trump supporter. In Australia, that's super rare, since most of us think he's a dickhead. It suddenly hit me then. She didn't like my story because I'd done exactly what I'd wanted. She'd assumed the main character was a girl, then when it was revealed he was a guy and it was a gay relationship, she suddenly realised she'd happily been reading and enjoying a story about a gay couple. That must've infuriated her. She failed it for no reason other than her homophobia. After I realised that, I started to mess with her.

My first project was to test Donald Trump's persuasion tactics on her. My next oral presentation, I specifically used Donald Trump's speech style- the way he repeats words, over exaggerates, dehumanises, etc. I know she was the one who marked it (again, no feedback), but this time it was a 19/20. That was the highest mark she gave me all year. I couldn't believe it. The Donald had been right.

Next, I wrote a strongly worded, very opinionated article on how I was bisexual. This was the first time I'd touched LGBT topics since that first story, and I knew it would infuriate her. But she couldn't fail me at this point. It would look way too suspicious if a student who got 80%+ on assignments suddenly got less than 50%. I don't think I ever got the article back (I have a feeling it got passed around the English office so many times they just forgot) but I didn't care that much. I saw on my final report card it'd been 18/20. It must've made her angry, I hope, that she'd read my article and no doubt tried to fail it, but at this point, everyone was aware of her bullshit and prevented her from doing it. I got some dirty looks for the next few classes.

But there was one final straw that made me snap. See, my state holds a huge writing competition for high-schoolers every year. It's a massive deal, and people who win this competition often get sponsored or get scholarships based on it. Tens of thousands of entries get submitted. Obviously, I wanted to win it. Even getting shortlisted would do wonders for my uni application. Part of the school writing program meant that any short stories submitted over the year would automatically get entered in this competition, but I knew Mrs Slug would try and do me dirty. So I went to her directly, requesting to put in another version of the story I'd made with the feedback I'd gotten from the remarking. She told me, to my face, that she'd already submitted my story, so I couldn't change it. Fine. As long as it was submitted, I was happy.

I didn't get shortlisted. That hurt, a lot, since I'd really wanted it. But I figured the competition had been really good, so it was only fair. My little brother, however, got shortlisted for his year (he came in second), so I went to the awards ceremony with him.

Mrs Slug was there.

She looked shocked to see me. A little panicked, even. I was curious as to why she was there, but the answer revealed itself pretty quickly. One of the girls from my class had been shortlisted. Now listen, I'm not a bitter person. If someone genuinely writes better than me, I'm more than happy to accept that. But what I found awfully suspicious was that this particular girl had been given the highest mark in my class before I got reassessed. In other words, she had been Mrs Slug's favourite story. And her story had gotten 15/20. I know grades don't count for everything, and maybe my story had in fact been worse, but I was beginning to get a hunch as to what had happened.

As I said, I'm state recognised for my English ability, so I was able to get into contact with one of the people who had marked the competition. I asked, ever so innocently, if she'd read my story. She replied that she hadn't. I asked if she could check to see if any of the other markers had read it since it was a pretty distinctive story. The answer came back as I had feared. No one had read it.

Mrs Slug had lied through her teeth to my face. She hadn't submitted the story at all. She'd deliberately pulled it out of the submission pile because she was salty. This competition was a /huge/ deal to me- like I said, it would've been a massive part of my uni application. And she'd sabotaged it. She wanted me to fail.

I was fucking fuming at this point. Even today, I get angry thinking about it. I couldn't let this rest any longer. I was beyond pettiness. This was time for real revenge.

My parents both work in education, and my mum, in particular, was pretty high up in my area. She's also a bit of a tiger mum. When I told her what Mrs Slug had done, she was pissed. Like, so pissed. The idea that her kid might not go to uni because of a prejudiced teacher does not sit well with tiger mothers. She marched straight to the principal's office, and since he knew her, we were heard out almost immediately. I explained what happened, how I'd consistently been marked too lowly and my competition application had been removed without my knowledge. My mum was able to kick up a pretty big stink about it, ranting about how Mrs Slug shouldn't even be qualified to teach at all, let alone grade 12 ATAR English, and she needed to be removed immediately. The principal copped an earful, then the head of English did too. Both of them cowered in fear before the rage of my mother. There was nothing they could use to defend her, either- I had proof of the undermarking and the removal of my story application. Statements from my classmates confirmed she hadn't taught anything all year. It wasn't looking good for Mrs Slug.

She continued to sag behind her desk like a festering cancer for the last few weeks of the year, giving me stinky looks. I just quietly did my work, helping other people study for the final exam. I knew I'd done enough. In Australia, you can't just fire government workers, but you can move them. Sure enough, at the end of the year, she was relocated to the middle of fucking nowhere, to a school of fewer than 100 kids, where I hope she rots to this day. It's the closest you can get to being fired.

I got into university, by the way, and I'm now studying my English course. I should also mention that I got into the most competitive university in Australia, and I still get 80% and above in my short stories. That 40% she gave me was total bullshit, and I'm glad I made her suffer for it. No teacher should be able to get away with sabotaging their students like that, especially when it's their future on the line. I can only hope that the few students she teaches now don't have to experience the same thing.

TL;DR: my homophobic English teacher tried to fail me on my assignments, then sabotaged my chances in an important competition, so I got her essentially fired.

(source) story by (/u/millochi)

#prorevenge #by /u/millochi #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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johannesviii · 4 years

Text

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2005

16 to 17 years old. Finished public highschool, started public university in September. Looking back at 2003-2005 feels like looking at ten years of my life condensed in three. Exhausting.

Also we’re now past the halfway point of these lists! And this is another exceptionally good year for hits.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So I finished highschool that year. I met my best friend ever in late 2004 and we even had some sort of small crew back then! I had a bit of a crush on her but alas it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know who invented the term ‘friendzone’ but they got its meaning completely wrong because staying friends basically forever with someone you love can be a fantastic thing. Things weren’t rosy nor perfect that year, of course, and I still was miserable at home, but I’m not sure where I’ll be today without her. She's amazing and she still lives nearby nowadays. Shoutout: if you read this, E., you pretty much saved my life.

I was still making tapes and burning CDs, still using my trusty portable cd player, and always listening to stuff while drawing during recess, sitting in a corner and doodling stuff in my sketchbook on the floor like a weird gangly goblin.

I had already started to buy Rock Mag in August 2004 but it really became my monthly ritual in 2005, and it lasted until autumn 2007. A reliable source of posters to cover my walls. At that point they were almost completely covered with paintings, drawings, torn pages from magazines and posters of Linkin Park, Mylène Farmer, Placebo and Indochine.

I also had a better access to the family computer and was a bit more involved online. Might explain why the number of singles I was buying plummeted.

It’s time once again for some (ok, many) honorable mentions!

Beverly Hills (Weezer) - I don’t even know why I like this but I do.

Bouger Bouger (Magic System) - I never understood why it was cool to make fun of these guys in my country. Their music is so happy and fun.

Holiday (Green Day) - My brother loved that band and listened to it a lot, and I was 100% fine with that.

Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day) - See above.

Gabriel (Najoua Belyzel) - That is so-bad-it’s-good at its finest right here.

Candy Shop (50 Cents) - As a sucker for terrible puns (HA, get it?? I’m sorry I’ll get out immediately) I can’t help it, I love this.

Love Generation (Bob Sinclar) - Stay tuned for more of this guy on another list.

Listen to Your Heart (DHT) - The original is better, but it was really nice to hear that again on the radio.

We Be Burnin’ (Sean Paul) - Not my favorite but still damn good.

Bad Day (Daniel Powter) - I even bought the single. What can I say except “relatable”.

All About Us (Tatu) - I bought that single as well. Almost made the list.

Le Bateau Blanc (Karol) - The last cut from the list. Not even kidding at all. I’m still not sure if Keane deserves to be on the list more than this to be honest.

Like it happened previously with Placebo not being elligible at all, it is a complete outrage that Precious by Depeche Mode isn’t elligible for this list. Like, what the f█ck. Playing the Angel was one of the defining albums of the year to me. I’m not even sure it would have topped the list, maybe #2, but it still feels wrong.

There’s another band who’s complete absence from this top feels kinda painful to me, considering how much I loved their new album at the time. Indeed, no single from Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance is elligible for this list, and it feels wrooooong, man. I love I’m not okay and especially Thank You For the Venom, but even Helena would have been nice. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

For some unfathomable reason, Get The Party Started (Pink) and, even more unexplainable, Do You Really Want to Hurt Me (Culture Club) recharted in France in 2005 and both made the year-end top 100. The fact they are both elligible but all the stuff mentioned above this paragraph isn’t makes no sense whatsoever.

And now, the actual list!

10 - Everybody’s Changing (Keane)

US: Not on the list / FR: #48

Pretty great even though it’s not my favorite Keane song. That would be Crystal Ball. It’s fantastic and as a person who is scared, above all, by existential horror, the music video is terrifying. Sadly, it’s not elligible for my 2006 list, so Everybody’s Changing will have to be its slightly less good proxy for 2005.

9 - Et Si En Plus Ya Personne (Alain Souchon)

US: Not on the list / FR: #100

This has to be the most borderline non-elligible song ever put on one of my lists. But I’m glad it is still elligible. Remember the song on the 1993 list that I called an “anticapitalist ballad”? Well that’s the same guy. And this time it’s a song about how religion can cause both beautiful things and war, and how “the sky might be empty” because of us. It’s great. Here’s a translation. You’re welcome.

8 - F█ck Them All (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #62

Aaaaaaaaand unfortunately for everyone including myself, she’s back. Not her best song by a mile (told you it was all downhill after C’est Une Belle Journée didn’t I), but still pretty damn good, and that music video where she’s destroying bird-like scarecrows is amazing so here’s a bonus gif.

7 - Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day)

US: #7 / FR: Not on the list

My brother LOVED this band and listened to it SO MUCH. And yeah, they were very good and that song might just be my favorite one from them. I don’t have much more to say about it, you all know it already. Let’s move on.

6 - Sugar We’re Going Down (Fall Out Boy)

US: #40 / FR: Not on the list

Again, it feels wrong that both Fall Out Boy AND Panic! at the Disco were elligible for this list but not My Chemical Romance. I was never a fan of these two acts, at all, and their supposed rivalry was kinda hilarious to watch from afar. With a bucket of popcorn. While listening to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge and nodding sadly, of course.

This is still a great song, mind you.

5 - Feel Good Inc (Gorillaz)

US: #37 / FR: Not on the list (really? wtf happened)

Again, I live with someone who loves Gorillaz, so I claim overexposure.

It’s still #5 on a list based on a very, very good year.

That’s quality for you.

4 - Speed of Sound (Coldplay)

US: #57 / FR: Not on the list

A new chapter in the ascension of Coldplay from “Johannes hates this band” to “this is one of the best mainstream bands we have”. An epic saga, years in the making, and Speed of Sound was basically the last scene of Act One. Not my favorite song from X&Y (that would be Talk), but still really good. Hell, I even bought the single, and goodness knows I wasn’t buying a lot of singles anymore in 2005.

Holy shit, half of these are Benassi Bros garbage. None of them are elligible, though! Dodged a bullet there, didn’t I.

3 - Numb/Encore (JayZ + Linkin Park)

US: #93 / FR: #75

What a blessed mashup. For a few magical months in 2005, all the punk goth kids and the hiphop kids were united under this song’s banner and it felt like world peace had been achieved. It could have pissed off everybody but no! Everyone loved it instead!

“But Johannes, this is just Numb all over again with different lyrics. You can’t keep putting Linkin Park at the top of your lists forever.” Sadly no, I can’t. I know. It’s only #3. Don’t yell at me. Also, the next two songs are genuinely better, at least in my opinion!

2 - Lift Me Up (Moby)

US: Not on the list / FR: #31

I heard this on the radio and bought the album, Hotel, on the grounds that Natural Blues from 2000 was one of my favorite songs ever and than it wouldn’t hurt to actually own an album of that guy after all that time (”all that time” being only five years, but please keep in mind the past three years had felt like ten, and in my mind, they still do ; trauma is one hell of a thing). And a couple of days later that year, we went to Disneyland for my brother’s birthday, and I only had a small bag that could contain my cd player, and the earphones and nothing else. So I could only put one cd in it and that was it.

So I picked Hotel, and I basically retreated inside of it whenever my mother was starting to talk aggressively, which happened a lot in the various queues. So in the end, I listened to that cd a LOT that day and every single time, it would calm me while still being energetic enough to keep me enthusiastic for the various Disneyland rides.

Lift Me Up is energetic but cold, aerial but distant, uplifting but sinister. It was the perfect song for someone who was, at the time, trying to tone down their aggressivity and anger and trying to be masculine but in a softer way, while still staying themselves and not giving up the fight. I absolutely adore this song. It’s perfect.

It instantly joined my list of favorite songs ever that year.

1 - Mr Brightside (The Killers)

US: #16 / FR: Not on the list (this feels so wrong)

If I had to make a top ten of the hits of that entire decade, this would be #2. No debate whatsoever.

Because holy shit.

I was already sold on that band after hearing Somebody Told Me on the radio, which sadly isn’t elligible for this list (I instantly loved it, first because it was catchy as hell, but also because I love the chorus “Well somebody told me you had a boyfriend / Who looked like a girlfriend / That I had in February of last year", because as you already know I tend to be extremely literal minded and my immediate conclusion was “wow you two dated the same trans guy before and after he was out of the closet” and that was highkey relatable and no you can’t change my mind). So I bought the album about two weeks after, mostly blind, because the cd store was playing it and also because Rock Mag said it was great.

That was an understatement. Hot Fuss is one of the best albums of the entire decade and you probably know that already. The first song, Jenny Was a Friend of Mine, floored me right after putting the cd in the player and it felt like the album already reached its peak and there were still 12 tracks after that.

The very next track was Mr. Brightside. And. How do I put this.

There’s like a dozen interpretations possible for this song, and most of them are something like “this guy is so anxious and paranoid he’s gonna break up with this girl because he keeps imagining her cheating with another guy and it might not even be real.”

Now might be a good moment to remind you that at the time, I had a crush on my best friend, and was still firmly in the closet. And this song starts, as everyone knows, with “Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine“.

So... yeah. This is the song that accidentally convinced me the closet sucked and did nothing to deter bullies anyway, and that after more than three years of feeling mostly miserable, I should try to be myself and screw the consequences. I know it wasn’t the original intention behind that song. But still.

Godspeed, The Killers. I owe you one, guys.

Next up: Still not able to put Indochine nor Placebo on a list, OP is this close to punching a wall

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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cannot-decide-on-a-fandom · 5 years

Text

Haikyuu Team Headcanons

I just kind of wanted to make my own list as there's a lot of them. Honestly, I read all 360+ chapters in 3 weeks, so I can't remember every bit of information so some of these may actually be either confirmed or disprovable, so sorry.

KARASUNO

Noya is ALWAYS the first to wake up. Whenever the team have to sleep at the same place, they're tempted to smother him to shut him up in the mornings.

Speaking of mornings, Hinata can barely function before food. The only time you can undoubtedly catch him being grumpy is before breakfast.

Also, unless he's very wound up, Yamaguchi can sleep anywhere. Literally. That boy could fall asleep on a roller coaster if he's tired enough.

Suga is the best prankster on the team. Others like Tanaka do it more often, but they're always practical jokes and things, while everyone lives in fear of Suga. He doesn't do anything often, but he's devious as hell, so when he does, the only reassurance they have is that he wouldn't do anything that will leave lasting damage.

He also knows everything about every single team member. He's too nice to do anything nefarious with it, but if pushed, you can damn well bet he'd be able to hold it over their heads if he chose to.

Tsukishima is shockingly patient and nice to little kids. People only start to piss him off when they're around 10, and he only shows it when they're teenagers.

Ennoshita, being actually smart and responsible, only ever agrees to bets he is 1000% sure he'll win. Hasn't failed yet.

Kageyama is a surprisingly good dancer, he just doesn't care for it at all. He simply thinks if he ever has to do it for whatever reason, better to get it over with by doing it well.

Tanaka wanted to get piercings at one point because they look cool, until the entire team convinced him it's a bad idea considering how aggressively he plays volleyball. He'd forget to remove them first and rip them out.

Whenever Shoyo plays something with Natsu that involves running, he barely even jogs anymore. This is because he used to go really fast, but Natsu kept trying to keep up and hurt herself by falling so often.

Kinoshita may be reserved usually, but if he's in the zone, he'll try and annihilate anyone at anything. There's an agreement between Nekoma and Karasuno to never let him and Kenma be alone together because if Kinoshita is in the right mood, they'll compete with video games til 3 am.

Tsukki actually really likes pop music but no one on the team (other than Suga and Yamaguchi) knows because he never let's anyone else listen and refuses to say what he listens to.

Tanaka claims he likes horror movies the most. Asahi likes them the least.

Actually, their favourite film genres are like this: Daichi - spy movies (I spent so long thinking about his, and I'm still not convinced myself. He's hard), Suga - drama comedies, Asahi - family and slice of life films (he really likes happy endings), Noya - canonically over the top action films, Tanaka - action too, Ennoshita - crime films and mysteries (he's practically the team's psychic already, he's great at solving mysteries himself), Kinoshita - disaster movies, Narita - parody films, Kageyama - doesn't have one, does not watch films enough to have one, Hinata - sport and really, really cliché comedies, Tsukishima - just Jurassic Park. That's a genre, right? Okay, kidding. He likes zombie movies, and he's the type of person who constantly points out how ridiculously stupid every action characters take in films are. Yamaguchi - nothing dark, he prefers lighter, happier things, but will happily watch anything like that, Yachi - anything animated, Kiyoko - documentaries, Ukai - war films, Takeda - musicals. Not sure why, just felt right.

***

NEKOMA

Let's discuss pranks with this team as well. A few people used to play them on Yaku a lot until they realised how vicious his comebacks are. Whereas Yamamoto always does very "only really happens in movies" pranks, like a pie to the face, Yaku's retaliation is always barely on the okay side of legal. Now the only time anyone does anything to him is if they're sure he won't be able to guess who is responsible.

In his second year, Kuroo invited every first year recruit at the start of their course to hang out. This was originally to help Kenma make friends (he'll never push him but he'll try and encourage him) but it simply helped everyone else acquaint with each other. Since he wants his team to generally work well together, he did it in his 3rd year with the new rookies too.

Shibayama accidentally got like half the team wrapped around his finger. This is because he's so sweet and never asks for anything, it worked counter intuitively and now most people would pretty much do anything to help him. The poor kid feels so awkward and guilty about it. Deserves love.

Kenma is naturally really talented at so many things but he never bothers with them. He even has a rather good singing voice but even he doesn't realise because he never uses it.

Kai learned to turn a blind eye to every argument that doesn't feel like it could end in the hospital because he spent 3 years with Kuroo and Yaku.

Fukunaga actually does like communicating with people, just not by talking. Because of that, no one notices when he's trying to, so he just listens instead.

Lev and Inuoka have no sense of privacy or oversharing. They would easily give away their deepest, darkest secrets if they weren't so pure that they didn't have any. They don't even consider shutting up as an option.

Whenever Yaku kicks/slaps/punches anyone, the rest of the team always make bets as to when he'll do it again.

Kenma told him this because it's so stupid.

Now, whenever Yaku manages to listen in, he always makes sure Lev loses.

The first time Akane and Alisa met, Yamamoto almost started a fist fight with Lev over who has the better sister, before realising how well they got on. Then he felt really bad because Alisa is actually very nice and kind.

Kuroo once turned off the WiFi at his house to get Kenma to practice with him. He hasn't tried it since because it turns out, he CAN get mad and is freaking terrifying when doing so.

Yamamoto is both the best and worst advice giver on the team. Either his suggestions are amazing and would turn out great, or no one should go near them with gardening gloves and a 10 foot pole. No in between.

***

I only have a couple for this team so I apologise

FUKURODANI

Akaashi is internally very amused by Bokuto whenever he gets riled up. It's frustrating in matches, but he finds it hilarious outside of them even if he doesn't show it. It's one of the reasons he always makes snide digs at him, because seeing someone who is one of the top aces in the country act like that is very entertaining to him.

However, whenever something happens that the team feels could genuinely upset him more than a little, every single person helps devise a method of keeping that information from reaching his ears.

The team is not allowed to play any party games, especially involving dares, because one half will take it too seriously, while the other will be left to make sure nobody dies.

What do you think? Just had some fun with these.

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