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junko-and-riri-domain · 3 years

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something you could almost label as love | pjs

hi everyone !! tatts & cupcakes is back :)) idk if anyone still remembers it at this point or even wants to continue reading the series 😭 but thank you for all the interactions while i was ia on this blog 🥺 <3

i haven’t updated in a while so if i missed anyone on the taglist pls lmk also tumblr was being a dum dum and i couldn’t tag a few ppl so if you’re one of them i’m sorry 😪

You felt your palms sweating as you opened the door to reveal K, Heeseung, and Jake. While you weren’t worried about Ni-ki going out with Heeseung and Jake, you were nervous about him going out with K. Ni-ki didn’t know K was his father which was something you and K decided not to reveal until Ni-ki got more comfortable with K which was why they were going to the nearby plaza to shop with Heeseung, Jake, and Jungwon. Sunghoon would stop by the bakery later today to pick up the lunch you had offered to make and pack for them all.

“You good?” Heeseung asked, squeezing your shoulder as an act of reassurance. You nodded and took a deep breath, watching cautiously as Jungwon and Ni-ki went up to K and Jake.

“Just nervous, I guess.”

“I’ll make sure nothing goes wrong, don’t worry,” Heeseung said causing you to smile at him. Jay and Sunoo were going to spend the day together at home, something that you suggested in hopes of easing Jay’s stress. If Jay saw for himself how well Sunoo had gotten, he’d feel better about letting him go back to school tomorrow. After they left you saw Sunoo sulking on the couch, arms crossed and lips formed in a pout. Sitting next to him,

“What’s wrong bubs?”

“I wanted to go with them!” You sighed, petting his hair,

“I know, I know. But at least you’ll go to school tomorrow, right? You’ll get to see all your friends again!” you said in what hopefully sounded like a cheery tone. Yet still, Sunoo didn’t seem satisfied.

“How about I make you tteokboki for lunch tomorrow, will that help cheer you up?” At those words, Sunoo’s eyes up lit up and you knew that there was your sunshine. As much as Sunoo didn’t want you do, you had to leave to open up the bakery.

“I can drop you off,” Jay offered as you were putting your things in your bag.

“It’s ok, really Jay, thank you. Have fun at home with Sunoo, ok?” While you had left in a frenzy, there was now an extra thought added to Jay’s mind. “At home,” you called it. Yours and Ni-ki’s he wanted it to be.

You enjoyed your morning at the bakery, chatting with regulars, and giving out freebies to the cute little kids that stopped by with their parents. When Sunghoon stopped by, you set a picnic basket on the counter, about to explain the food inside when you suddenly received a call from the landlady of your and Ni-ki’s apartment.

“Hello?” you answered.

“Hi, you live in Apartment 22, right?” you heard from the other side of the line.

“Yes, I do.”

“Everyone needs to evacuate and pack up their things by tonight, there’s a rat infestation and the exterminators say that it’ll take 2 weeks until anyone can return to the building.”

“A rat infestation?” Why the hell was there a rat infestation and why was she telling you now?

“I’m sorry, hon. Everyone needs to pack what they can by 3 pm.” Checking the time, on your phone, it was only 11:21.

“Thanks for letting me know, I’ll leave right now,” was all you could say before ending the call. Sunghoon looked at you with a worried expression on his face,

“Rat infestation?” he asked. You nodded,

“Me and Ni-ki’s apartment, apparently it’ll take two weeks.”

“The two of you are staying at Jay’s place, though.”

“Yeah, but Ni-ki and I were gonna move out the day after tomorrow.”

“Just stay for two more weeks.”

“Hoon, I can’t do that. It’s not fair.”

“To Jay? I don’t think he’d mind if you two-”

“Not to Jay,” you muttered.

“Jungwon and Sunoo? But they like having their Ni-ki dongsaeng around.”

“To me! Sunghoon, it’s not fair to me!” you admitted.

“I- wait what?”

“I just, it’s not,” you took a deep breath, “Jay is good to me and Ni-ki, I know he is. But there’s just so much happening with Sunoo recovering and K returning. I can’t keep living with Jay, Jungwon, and Sunoo acting as if this whole situation is normal.”

“Do you want it to be?”

“What?”

“Living with Jay, being with his kids, do you want it to be normal?” You almost scoffed at the question,

“Of course I do, who wouldn’t?”

“Then make it normal.”

“Hoon, it’s not that easy. Getting into a relationship with three kids involved is messy and stupid and not the kind of heartbreak I’m willing to put anyone through.”

“Who says it’ll end in heartbreak.”

“That’s the only way I see this ending.”

“Open your eyes then.”

You quickly closed the bakery then rushed to your apartment and somehow, Jay and Sunoo were already there. Sunghoon probably told them.

“Hey,” Jay said as you walked up to them.

“You didn’t have to show up.”

“Of course I did, you and Ni-ki are staying for longer and I should help you move your stuff.”

“Jay, I don’t wanna be a bother. Ni-ki and I can spend the two weeks in a hotel, it’s fine.” Your tone was colder than anything that Jay had ever felt before.

“Are you uncomfortable? Living with me, I mean. Because if you are, I’m sorry.”

You wanted to tell him. Wanted to tell you that he made you weak with his soft gazes and sudden smile. Wanted to tell him that he made you regret how you had gotten so accustomed to his warmth that you probably wouldn’t be able to sleep without it. Wanted to tell him how he gave you hope, maybe love was in the cards for you one day. Wanted to tell him how he made you dream of the picture-perfect life you once thought was stupid. He made you weak, regret, hope, and dream in all the ways you didn’t know were possible but never were you uncomfortable.

“I just don’t wanna keep mooching off of you in your own house.”

“Really, I don’t mind if you and Ni-ki stay for longer. After all, what’s another two weeks?”

“You’re sure?”

“I am.”

“Pinky promise,” you said, bringing up your hand. He smiled as he interlocked your pinkies together and let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in.

You packed as many as your and Ni-ki’s clothes that you could, in the process bringing a couple of your blankets and little trinkets that you felt comfortable with. While you were in the car with Jay and Sunoo, the trunk filled to the brim with your and Ni-ki’s things.

“Are you really sure it’s ok that I brought so much stuff?”

“Don’t worry.”

“What if there’s not enough space? Your closet’s already full and Ni-ki’s toys might get everywhere.” Jay’s hand moved away from the gearshift and gravitated towards your hand, his thumb rubbing soothing circles,

“We’ll make space.”

The rest of the day went by easily, the guys decided to stay for dinner, and being with K for a longer period of time went by better than you expected. Before you and Jay fell asleep the two of you made a plan for tomorrow since it was Sunoo’s first day back at school. Sometime throughout the night, you woke up to go to the bathroom. After getting out of the bathroom and heading back to the bed,

“No,” you heard with what almost sounded like a whimper, causing you to turn on the lights to see Jay in bed with his eyes closed.

“Jay?”

“I-it’ll, it’ll be ok,” you heard him mutter, seeing him twitch slightly. Tears escaped his eyes as he muttered incoherent words. He was having a nightmare.

“Jay!” you exclaimed, shaking him slightly in hopes that it’d be enough for him to wake up but he stayed within the depths of his nightmare. Not knowing what else to do, you lightly slapped his cheeks, and somehow, that had work. The upper half of his body rose up, eyes frantic as they looked around the room, and only seemed to calm down when they settled on you. You feel him hug you, an action you returned by running your hand through his hair and rubbing his back as he panted heavily trying to return his breathing back to normal.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” you asked cautiously.

“We were in the hospital again. But this time,” he let out a shaky breath, his hold on you tightening, “Sunoo didn’t, he didn’t, love, I, I can’t-” Jay couldn’t bring himself say it out loud but you didn’t need to hear the words to know what he dreamt. Sunoo didn’t make it out alive.

“It’s ok, just keep breathing with me, yeah? Your boys are safe and sound in their room and Sunoo’s going back to school tomorrow, well, technically later. We made a plan, remember?” He nodded, seeming to calm down slightly.

“What was the plan? Repeat it to me.”

“We were gonna wake up early and make breakfast for the boys and pack all their favorite things for lunch. Tteokboki, curry buns, and bungeoppang. We’ll drop them off at school, I’ll drop you off at the bakery then head to work. I’ll pick them up, we’ll go to the bakery to pick you up, then go home.”

“And that’s exactly what we’re gonna do, ok?”

“Ok.” You and Jay ended up laying down afterward but he seemed like he was too shaken up to be able to sleep and honestly, so were you.

“Let’s bake cupcakes.”

“Right now?” You nodded, the hint of a smile playing on the corners of your lips,

“Right now.” Baking cupcakes with Jay at a time in the morning when you should’ve been asleep gave you a sense of comfort you didn’t realize you needed and he seemed to feel the same way. In order to not wake up the boys, you needed to stay quiet, talking in low tones and hushed whispers but neither of you seemed to mind. As the cupcakes were cooling and you were stirring the frosting, a shiver ran down your spine. Something that Jay had taken note of. You felt his presence behind you, confirmed as his chest pressed against your back, arms wrapping around you as his hands rubbed up and down your arms.

“Should I turn up the heat, love?” you heard him ask. Love, he called you, love. It was nothing new to hear Jay call you that but in this moment, you came to a realization. In love was what the past few weeks felt like. Yet despite this, a thought lingered in the back of your mind. What happened when the warmth faded? What happened after two weeks and you and Ni-ki had to move back to your apartment? What happened when the cocoon of warmth you spent so allowing yourself to get enwrapped turned to ice? What happened when you had to return back to reality? You were brought out of your thoughts at the sound of Jay calling your name, asking for confirmation to turn up the heat. But instead,

“If you did then there’d be no reason to stay like this,” you replied teasingly with a smile on your face. The charm of the necklace he gave you shimmered under the kitchen lights as it rested around your neck. Jay wanted nothing more than to tilt your chin upwards and kiss you right then and there. Wanted to show you how much you meant to him. Wanted to love you in all the ways that words could never do it justice. He was so caught up in his thoughts, mesmerized by your smile, and entranced by this whole situation that he hadn’t realized what had just happened when something cool was felt at the tip of his nose, then, on his cheek and he heard a laugh from you.

“Did you just- don’t tell me there’s frosting on my face right now.”

You weren’t quite sure what possessed you to perform your following actions in the next moments. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe it was how close Jay was to you that you couldn’t help but want to be closer to him. Maybe it was the way your mind grew hazy with only one thought and one alone on your mind.

You couldn’t help it when you let go of the spatula.

Couldn’t stop yourself when you got on your tiptoes.

Couldn’t hold back from wrapping your arms around his neck and your fingers playing with the edges of his hair.

“There’s no frosting on your face.” Eyes looking in his for any signs of hesitancy, all you saw was something you could almost label as love. But you didn’t dare.

“No? Then what’s on my face?”

“Well on your lips,” closing the distance between your lips and his so that it was mere centimeters, “are mine,” you whispered before your eyes fluttered shut and the distance closed.

❦ written by riri ( @enhykkul ) | next | series masterlist

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hlizr50 · 3 years

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Labor Day Bonus Update: The Raven and the Songbird

Nothing like a holiday giving me an excuse to post the next chapter early. It's one of my absolute favorites.

Read on AO3

Chapter 5

Gwyn yawned, her entire form stretching and tightening. She knew it wouldn’t go unnoticed by Nesta and Emerie, but she just smiled serenely. She had needed this – time to talk and laugh and enjoy good food with her two closest friends in the world. The fae lights were dim, casting the private library in dusky shadow. Book spines were barely visible on the shelves, but she was content to sit and enjoy the conversation. She sighed before turning her focus to her Valkyrie sisters sitting on the floor, finding Nesta with a skeptical eyebrow raised.

“What?”

The eldest Archeron patted her hand on a tufted woolen floor pillow, green like a spring meadow. “Sit, Gwyneth. We need to talk.” Unease coiled in her stomach, but she slid down from the couch, clutching another throw pillow to her chest.

“What do we need to talk about?” Gwyn’s voice was tinier than she’d intended, and she knew the question was ridiculous as soon as she asked it.

“You’re tired. You’re sad. Nesta knocked you on your ass today,” Emerie answered, concern glowing in her dark gaze.

“That doesn’t mean something is wrong with me,” Gwyn giggled, but she knew her mirth was unconvincing. “You both are skilled fighters. Maybe Nesta has just gotten better than me.”

“I haven’t and you know it.”

Gwyn turned her attention to a very interesting tassel on the pillow she held. She could feel the pressure stinging her eyes and tried so hard to push down the tears that had so quickly threatened. She felt gentle fingers at her chin, pulling her gaze until she met Nesta’s gray stare.

“Gwyn. Talk to us. You are our sister. We love you. We’re worried about you.”

Her sisters. The knowledge that she had Nesta and Emerie had kept her going these past weeks, kept her stubborn heart and eyes from giving up. And now it was that care and comfort that unraveled her. She felt the hot trickle down her cheeks as Nesta’s calloused fingers brushed tendrils of hair away from her face. But she couldn’t say the words. She wasn’t one of those females that needed a male to be happy and thrive. She was a powerful warrior, strong and skilled.

“Is it Azriel, Gwyn?” The voice came from her other side, along with a feather-light brush of fingertips down her back. Emerie. Gwyn blinked and took three steadying breaths, allowing the patience and care from her sisters wash over her. It took a few moments before she felt she could form the words she needed.

“He started avoiding me, after the necklace,” her face cooled when Nesta removed her hands and reached down to grasp one of her own. “I let it go on for a few days, but I missed him. We were friends, and he… he helped me when I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes we would talk, most times we would train. After we found out about the necklace he stopped coming out to the ring at night. He would come to the door, and when he saw I was there he would leave. So I cornered him one day after training. It was all so stupid and I just wanted things to go back to normal.”

“What did you say to him?” Emerie asked, her voice soft as velvet.

“I told him that the necklace was a stupid thing to do, but we all do stupid things. I said that Elain and I had both deserved better, but I knew he would be better. I told him that I missed him, that all was forgiven, and then I asked if things could go back to normal.” Gwyn looked back up to Nesta, then turned to Emerie. “He said we were friends, and that everything would go back to normal.” She took a shuddering breath, earning a squeeze on her hand.

“And then he just… disappeared.”

She felt the burning return to her eyes and her throat, recalling that night in the rain when she had desperately wished he would come to her.

“That’s when you started zoning out at training. And punching the post until you were bruised and bleeding,” the Illyrian female realized.

“I knew it was bad when Cassian made you stop,” Nesta mused.

“Twice,” Gwyn confirmed, tears welling again. “I trained hard during the day, harder at night. The effort and pain helped distract me from the loss of his friendship… and from the nightmares.” She stared down at their interlace hands, noting how the low light made Nesta’s and Emerie’s skin contrast so deeply to hers and letting the tears fall in earnest.

“I thought they were better, Gwyn.” The worry lacing Nesta’s voice was thick, and suddenly the priestess felt guilty for keeping it from her… from them. She couldn’t look at them, but clutched their hands.

“They were, but now… it’s been really bad these last few days.” Gwyn sniffled and pulled her hands away from the comfort of her chosen family, opting instead to clutch the tasseled pillow to her chest again. She needed that grip, as if it were the only thing that could hold her together. “Almost a week ago I was in the training ring at night. It had been a difficult day, my hands were throbbing, Merrill was being… well, Merrill. It was raining when I walked out the door, but I needed time and space so I went out and sat in the middle and just let the rain wash everything away. Azriel came to the doorway, the first time since I’d cornered him that day. And… he barely spoke to me. I even said I’d had nightmares almost every day. And… and he told me I should go inside and then he just left.”

Gwyn tucked her knees up to the pillow against her chest and covered her face with her hands. Her body shook, much like it had that night when he’d left her – when something had shifted. Her throat felt so tight around her words. “It’s like something broke then. I stopped going to the training ring, and started working extra to distract myself. And the nightmares,“ she sobbed. She wasn’t ready to admit the terror of her changing dreams, but she was also desperate to tell someone how she had been suffering. “I have the same one every night – of that day at Sangravah. But… but when the general is done, when he tells the other males to continue taking from me…” Her breath sawed in and out of her and she could feel herself tremble. She could barely make her voice work as she uttered the terrible turn that her dreams had taken.

“He doesn’t come for me,” she whispered. The air was so still that she could feel Nesta’s sharp gasp stealing it from the space. “That moment when Azriel slaughtered them – when he saved me – no longer exists. And I have to face the terror of knowing what is coming. The fear and the pain and the horror and the desperation… it all feels just as real as it did that day.”

A pair of strong arms crushed her, and then a second embrace. Gwyn let go of the pain and the fear of those nights alone, afraid of sleep and unable to seek comfort from the only person who had helped keep those dreams at bay. Fingers combed through her hair, stroked up and down her back, soothing her as she cried.

That was all there was, for how long she didn’t know. She just knew heat in her cheeks, trembling, comforting hands at her shoulders, on her back, and in her hair. Then fingers gripped her wrists to pull her hands away from her face. She was sure her skin was red and splotchy, but she looked up to find Nesta’s own watery gaze.

“Gwyn, we will always come for you. All of us, including Azriel. You know that, right?”

“Of course I do,” the priestess answered with a nod.

“Good. As for the rest of this,” Nesta wiped her eyes and donned an expression not so unlike the days when she was brimming with the power of death. “Azriel is a fucking idiot.” Emerie burst out laughing, causing Gwyn to join with a chuckle of her own.

“I’m so glad I don’t prefer males.” The winged Valkyrie’s eyes glittered with mirth and concern, earning a nose-crinkling smile. Nesta pulled Gwyn’s attention back, pushing her jaw with a finger.

“Azriel is an idiot, but he cares for you. I’m certain of that. I haven’t known him too terribly long, but Cassian has. He’s different with you.”

“Maybe that isn’t a good thing.” Gwyn shrugged. She had thought so, too. But now he seemed to treat her with the same brooding aloofness that he reserved for practical strangers.

“No, I don’t think you understand,” Nesta insisted, reaching up to brush the wetness away from her cheeks. “Cassian and I have had this conversation more times than I can even count. ‘Berdara made Az laugh today’. ‘He couldn’t stop grinning today’. ‘I’ve never heard him banter like that’.”

“Why do you have so many conversations about that?” Gwyn couldn’t help but laugh at the strangeness of that thought, that Nesta and the general would be so invested in her interactions with the spymaster.

“That’s not even the point, Gwyneth,” Nesta huffed. Gwyn stuck her tongue out, still feeling Emerie’s hands softly at her back. “I’m going to kick Azriel’s ass back into line, but…” The priestess could see that Nesta was trying to choose her words, lips pursing and eyes staring above her. Then those icy eyes came back, full of determination.

“Do you care for him, Gwyn? Or, I suppose, how do you care for him?”

She just stared into Nesta’s eyes for a long moment, trying to find the right things to say. How to express what was churning in her heart. “Of course I care for him. He has become a dear friend.” Her friend’s gaze didn’t falter, daring her to say what she hadn’t admitted to anyone, not even to herself.

“And?”

Gwyn jerked her head, surprised that Emerie also seemed to know that there was more. The Illyrian’s countenance held that same caring determination, waiting with barely concealed expectation. Gwyn could only sigh.

“I… I don’t know. I trust him. Implicitly. He’s the only male I’ve never feared. And he’s beautiful, of course.”

“Yes, he certainly is,” Nesta sighed wistfully. Gwyn giggled and swatted her friend playfully on the shoulder.

“I feel… drawn to him, like we understand each other’s darkness. I should be terrified of him, theoretically, but I can’t be. And if… I don’t know what romance is supposed to be, what a relationship looks like. But I think, if he wanted to try, I would say yes. Without hesitation. Even after what happened at Sangravah,” she admitted. “But first and foremost… I just want his friendship. If that’s the only thing I can have then I’ll be happy.” And that was the truth. She would have him in her life, in whatever capacity. His absence was far too difficult to bear.

An enormous yawn pushed out of her lungs and she clapped her hands over her mouth, eyes wide. Nesta and Emerie laughed, Nesta pushing herself to her feet before offering her hands to Gwyn.

“You need to sleep. Hopefully tonight will be more restful,” she said as she pulled Gwyn to her feet and swiftly gathered her into a hug. She felt Emerie at her back, enveloping her as well. Gwyn could only smile and release a contented sigh, reveling in the love of her chosen sisters. She felt lighter, relieved to have shared the struggles she’d been facing. But then she yawned again, the exhaustion in her bones suddenly the only thing she could feel. Her eyelids drooped and she felt herself losing her battle with sleep even as she stood there, still wrapped in that Valkyrie embrace. As her body became heavy, yet weightless, she couldn’t comprehend the words she heard.

“Ready to crash boys night, Em? I might actually kill him.”

~~~

Azriel, Cassian, and Rhys lounged in the study, each nursing crystal glasses with varying amounts of amber liquid. Azriel studied the cut angles in his glass, the firelight reflecting kaleidoscopes of brightness off the liquor. He’d already had more to drink than usual, not typically one to lose his wits from alcohol. But tonight he had partaken in a bit extra, perhaps in the vain hope that the libations would settle his mind. The roaring thoughts still stormed through him from earlier in the day – guilt, stubbornness, anger, shame.

Of course, the alcohol staunched none of it.

“You seem particularly broody tonight, Az.” Cassian’s amused voice broke through that cyclone and Azriel fixed him with a narrow-eyed glare. His brother just smirked victoriously at him, knowing the truth in his observation. “Wouldn’t have anything to do with that sleepover at the house, would it?”

“Sleepover at the house?” Rhys turned his starlit gaze toward the shadowsinger, but Azriel didn’t have any intention of answering. Cassian, however, so enjoyed irritating him.

“A certain redhead priestess has been acting strangely and Nesta is determined to figure it out,” he drawled, pointed amber gaze fixed on the spymaster. “I think it has something to do with our tall, dark, and brooding brother here.”

“Gwyneth Berdara?” Azriel flicked his eyes toward the High Lord whose brows were arched in surprise. “Why would that have anything to do with you?”

“I’m pretty sure,” Azriel groaned when Cassian began to answer, sinking deeper into the velvet tufts of the oversized armchair, “that the two of them want to be friendlier than friends.”

“Gwyn and I have a professional, platonic relationship. Nothing more,” Azriel growled. He wasn’t in any sort of headspace to deal with Cassian’s ribbing, or to explain it away to Rhys. He looked up to find the Illyrian general had set down his glass and was leaning back casually, crossing his arms.

“Is that so?” Azriel wanted to slap that smug grin off his face. “Is that why you can never keep your eyes off her at training? Is that what’s happening when you grin at her when she gives your shit right back to you? When she makes you throw your head back and laugh?” He could feel the heat rising up his neck and into his cheeks.

“Laugh? Out loud?” The High Lord balked and Azriel rolled his eyes.

“I laugh, thank you very much.”

“Not like that, you don’t,” Cassian countered. Azriel just shook his head as his brother turned to Rhys. “You should see it, Rhys. I never thought I’d see the day – “

“WHERE IS HE?!” A female voice echoed from down the hall.

“Nesta?” Rhys wondered aloud.

“Where is that idiotic overgrown bat? I swear on the Cauldron I’m going to kill him.”

“Yup, that’s Nesta,” Cassian confirmed with a groan. “What the fuck did I do now? I wasn’t even at the house –“

The study doors burst open as Nesta pushed through, gray eyes shimmering with rage. Azriel leaned forward as her gaze fell on him.

“YOU.”

“Me?”

“Him?” Cassian gawked, but then grinned wickedly. “Oh, this is a nice change. I could get used to this.”

“Keep your mouth shut or you’re next,” Nesta snapped as she strode in front of Azriel’s chair. “Azriel, would you care to tell me why I just spent an hour comforting one Gwyneth Berdara while she sobbed in my arms? Any ideas?” His eyes grew wide and his face went slack, unable to comprehend exactly what was happening.

“Nothing to contribute, Shadowsinger? How fucking convenient. Maybe you could tell me why you avoided her even after you told her that things would go back to normal and that you were friends? Or perhaps you could explain why you left her alone in the rain the one time you did actually talk to her, even after she told you her nightmares were bad again?”

“I –“ He didn’t get a chance. Nesta stepped closer.

“Not done, Az. Not even close. Maybe you have an explanation for her working herself into exhaustion at the library to avoid time alone? Or the reason she doesn’t go to the training ring at night anymore?” Azriel just stared, dumbfounded at what she was saying. He pressed himself back into the chair as the honey-haired female placed her hands on the armrests and leaned in so far they breathed the same air.

“Tell me, Azriel,” she whispered, voice thick with emotion and ice, “why every night for the last week she has dreamed of Sangravah. And in that nightmare when that general is finished hurting her, she has to feel the soul-crushing terror of watching the next soldier take his place because you don’t come to save her.” And Nesta pulled a hand back and slapped him.

Azriel knew his eyes were wide as saucers as the breath punched out of him. He barely registered the tingle of pain in his cheek, absorbing what she had told him. Gwyn’s nightmares. Every night. And they had twisted into something even more horrifying.

How could any part of her think that he wouldn’t come for her?

He looked back to Nesta who had backed away. Cassian had risen to comfort her, brushing tears away from her cheeks and murmuring into her ear. Azriel got to his feet and took a measured step toward them.

“Nesta, I –“

“You care for her, don’t you?”

Azriel knew they could see the wetness in his eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He had been wrong to leave her, wrong about so many things. And he was done denying.

“Of course I do, Nesta. More than I think I can explain right now.”

“Then fix this.” Her voice was colder than his could ever be, a warning that he wouldn’t like what would happen if he didn’t make it right. But he had every intention to.

He was miserable without her.

Azriel gave Nesta a curt nod, turned on his heel, and stalked out of the study. He kept his surprise masked as he passed Emerie, who was leaning in the doorway, also wearing that expression – promising violence for hurting one of their own. He nodded to her, too, acknowledging his part in all of this. Then he practically ran down the hall and through the entrance of the river house, only taking three steps in the night air before taking to the sky.

Straight to the House of Wind.

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#gwynriel supremacy #gwynriel #gwynriel fanfiction #gwynriel fic #fanfiction #AO3 #gwyneth berdara #azriel shadowsinger #gwyn x azriel #acotar fanfiction

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merakiaes · 4 years

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The Inevitable - Aaron Hotchner

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x reader

Requested: By @dj-lowkey & anon.

Prompts: #1, #21, #56 from the fluff-list. #23, #44 from the smut-list.

Warnings/notes: Unprotected sex, wrap it before you tap it kids. Poorly written smut ahead, so beware. The smut scene is pretty short and the rest isn’t my best work but I promise everything else I have coming will be much better. ✨Following a new system, I’ll post the next Criminal Minds fic when I’ve gotten some comments and interaction on this one, so please let me know what you think.✨ I hope you like it, sorry for the long wait and thank you for being patient <3 (Not proofread so sorry in advance for any possible mistakes. Requests and taglist are both open.)

Wordcount: 8553

Summary: After years’ worth of painful, mutual pining, the inevitable finally happens.

Being in love with a married man was… inconvenient, to say the least. Not only for the person in love nor the person at the receiving end of said love, but also for the people surrounding both parts; more specifically the loved one’s partner.

You had seen what could become of such an ordeal more than once growing up, your own family having fallen apart because your dad couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, and other families having fallen apart because your mom couldn’t respect other people’s marriages.

Although you guessed the latter of the two hadn’t been fully her fault, she had found herself playing the roles both of the home-wrecked, and that of the homewrecker herself, and while you in your younger years had thought the first option sounded worse, you had grown up to the realization that that wasn’t the case at all.

Becoming a homewrecker was probably the biggest no-no in your life. There was little you wouldn’t do to ensure your own happiness and content in life, but putting another’s happiness on the line in order to do so was a line you would never be willing to cross.

So falling in love with a married man was something you never, not ever in your entire lifetime, expected to know the feeling of. And yet here you were, head over heels in love with a married man, who also so happened to be your superior.

Aaron was a profiler, an experienced one, and he wasn’t stupid. He noticed the way you looked at him, the way you would always go an extra length to help him and make sure he was okay when things got tough, but also the way you would stay as far away from him as you possibly could whenever there wasn’t a direct need for the two of you to be close.

He knew you had feelings for him all the way from the start, having figured it out quite quickly, but you could obviously handle being professional and not acting on said feelings, so he never said anything.

Why would he? At the time, he didn’t see you as anything more than a friend, obviously as he was married and in love with his high school sweetheart, barely even knew you outside of work and had no reason to believe your attraction for him would get in the way of his life or work.

It wasn’t until after the divorce that the two of you started getting closer, when everyone noticed that he started staying behind late at the office, holed up in his office and passionately working on the paperwork that he was in no hurry whatsoever to complete.

After numerous confrontations from his fellow profilers and friends, he finally filled them in on what was happening; that Haley was filing for divorce, and after the divorce had been completed and he had moved out into his own apartment, you were the one to be there for him the most.

You made sure to remind him to take care of himself when he, clearly, wasn’t, you invited him over for dinner when you made it home from tough cases so that he wouldn’t have to cook for himself as you knew he already had a lot on his plate, always offered to take a load off his paperwork when you could, and always made sure he knew that he could come to you if he was struggling with, well, anything, really.

He was a divorcee and you felt a lot more comfortable personally interacting with him now that the risk of wrecking his marriage was out of the picture, but despite the fact that you were spending a lot more time with each other on personal time, getting to know each other and the fact that and your feelings remained, you never acted on your feelings.

Even so, you kept growing closer and both of you knew it. Eventually, you reached a point where neither of you quite knew what you were, but both of you knew for sure that you were more than just friends and coworkers.

As a result, he felt guilty. He was still committed and attached to Haley and felt like he was betraying her, and you felt guilty as well, immensely so, so you agreed to ignore the budding romance between you and remain no more than friends, without ever speaking a word about it out loud.

When Haley was killed you were, once again, left torn, as the inconvenient situation you found yourself in emotionally became all the more complicated; not only was he now a divorcee, but also a widower.

One part of you wanted to distance yourself even further from him, as you knew that the others knew of the feelings you harbored for him.

The thought of their disapproving reactions if you’d gotten together with a divorced man had been bad enough back when that matter on hand was still fresh. What would they think of you if you hurried to latch onto a man, a grieving man, who had just lost his wife, when they knew that you had been hoping for the right time to come around for years?

You didn’t even want to know, because you, of all people, knew how bad it would look. After all, your mother had set a pretty good example of it.

But the other part of you knew that he needed you, now more than ever, and in the end, this part was the one who won, as you couldn’t imagine leaving him to fend for himself when he was in dire need of the support you could offer him.

So you stood by his side, acted as the pillar off support that he needed, but now more than ever, you were determined to keep your romantic feelings for yourself, and careful not to slip in testing situations.

It was hard not to, with the way he always managed to get himself hurt in the field, sending you into a panicked spiral and weakening your heart, metaphorically speaking, every single one of those times, but you thought you were doing a pretty good job.

You thought.

Unbeknownst to you, the team all agreed that it was only a matter of time before you got together.

They had watched you interact and grow closer for almost two entire year before the death of Haley. They had known, even before Hotch himself had, that he was ready to move on, and even though the loss was sure to slow things down, they all knew there was no possibility for the two of you going back to being “just friends.”

They had called it, like they always did, and they got it proven in well time, as Hotch slowly began recovering from the loss and allowed himself to warm up to you again, just like he had after the divorce.

You would hug in the office when you thought no one was looking, whenever he was having a particularly rough day and you saw that he was in need of comfort, and it was all just so obvious.

You knew strangely private things about each other – habits and quirks, childhood memories, favourites, likes and dislikes; you even knew what kind of shampoo the other used so, to summarize, things literally no one else knew.

When you went to follow separate leads on cases, you were always the one he called for an update, never the person you were partnered up with, no matter who that may be. And that went both ways, you always calling him.

You “casually” hung out outside of work all the time, getting coffee, going out for dinner, riding in to work with each other, going for bike rides with and without Jack, and taking Jack out for other activities almost weekly, as well.

You babysat Jack all the time whenever him or Jessica weren’t available to do so, even more so now that Haley was gone, and he loved you, running straight into your arms whenever he came to visit the office.

When you for some reason hadn’t seen the youngest Hotchner in a long while, you always asked Hotch how he was doing with his mom, in school and just in general, if he was eating well, getting enough sleep, and if he was making any friends.

You never addressed each other by your last names, and he was never interested in other women, nor were you in other men.

When you had been on a case in Florida and had to interview people at a strip club, he was the only one who didn’t pay the working girls as much as a glance. Hell, even Spencer couldn’t keep his eyes to himself, but Hotch was only looking at you, throwing you glances where you stood at the other side of the room, completely oblivious to the way Rossi was watching his every move, and the way the corner of his lip would tug up ever so slightly.

You had both been like that since you first started connecting on a deeper level. When either of you were talking to someone, your eyes always trailed off to look at the other on the other side of the room, always having to make sure the other was alright. You were only ever fully committed to the conversation at hand if the other was either right beside you, or not there at all; in any other case, your attention was always compromised.

You were longing for physical contact, it was clear in the way you looked ateach other, way too long for claiming to be “just friends”, and obvious to everyone but you in the moments it would occur.

Two of the best profilers in the country and yet, neither of you saw the way the other looked at you, or how your behavior could affect the other; more specifically how you affected him.

If he was ever hesitant about taking on a case, he gave in and agreed to put the team on it in less than a second if you sided with whoever as making the pitch and tried to push it, almost too easily, and he always turned to you for a second opinion if he finds himself doubting himself, and that was a kind of vulnerability he rarely showed to anyone else.

You had even built your own Friday night routine with each other, where you went over for dinner at his place and after that watched movies together with him and Jack until the latter fell asleep, something the team had only found out because they had caught you coming in to the office together after being called in for last-minute cases dressed in casual clothing with identical wine stains on your shirts.

You were a very physical person, that much had become clear when you first joined the team. While you liked giving out hugs left and right, even holding your friends’ hands as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he was not like that. He was the exact opposite.

And yet, whenever you would go over to Rossi’s house for dinner with the rest of the team and you were sitting close to each other, he did nothing to object when you threw your legs over his thighs, nor did he protest when you fell asleep on his shoulder on the jet.

Rather on the contrary, he instinctively held on to your calves, without ever breaking away from the conversation at hand, and absentmindedly leaned his head down to yours.

He would also let his hand linger on the small of your back whenever you walked next to each other, as if he didn’t even notice he was doing it in the first place, and he was completely unbothered whenever you would fuss over his appearance by reaching up to straighten his tie and the front of his suit, fix his hair when it was out of place or this one time when you licked your thumb to wipe away the ink on his cheek that had been transferred from his hand, on which Jack had drawn his best attempt of Spider-Man.

You got him to do things completely out of his comfort zone when you were out, both when it was just the two of you and when you went somewhere with the team, whether it be joining in on karaoke night or going up a rollercoaster.

You teased each other constantly when you thought no one was looking and out of the entire team, you were the one most likely to make him smile and crack a joke.

He was just different with you, always so emotionally complex and closed off, hard to read, stoic and guarded. But with you he was everything but those things, letting his walls fall down and showing a side to him that the people closest to him had only ever seen him sport around Haley before.

It was ridiculous, the two of you always acting as if you were telepathically connected, always looked at each other too long to be just friends, with brief, longing gazes accompanied by “accidental” hand touches. In the eyes of any outsider, it was like you were married.

Hotch cared for everyone on the team, but his care for you ran deeper, much deeper. He always let you easier off the hook when you went against protocol, but if said break of protocol ended up getting you into a life-threatening situation, he scolded you worse than he would any other member of the team, because he was terrified of losing you.

But neither of you did anything to act on the feelings you obviously had for each other, and for what? Because you worked together and it would be unprofessional? Problematic for the team? The team couldn’t quite figure it out and to be frank, neither could you. At this point, you were both just grasping at any excuse you could get to avoid the inevitable.

Because it was inevitable. Everyone around you knew it, and the team was so confident in your eventual get-together that they had placed bets on when, where and how you were finally going to confess, and that moment was closer than they would’ve imagined.

“You okay? You’ve been quiet today.” You spoke as you analyzed Hotch’s distant behavior from the other side of the table.

You had been watching him for the past few minutes, not having much else to do on the jet when everyone else was busy doing their own thing.

He was looking down into the file of the case you were just coming from. His eyebrows were furrowed with concentration but his eyes remained still and he never flipped the page, telling you that he wasn’t actually reading, and easily giving away the fact that something was bothering him.

At the sound of your voice and question, he slowly raised his head to look at you. He gave you a sullen, calculating look, his brows still creased together.

“I’m always quiet.” He replied, and you sadly smiled.

“More than usual.” You pointed out, and the two of you held each other’s eyes for a moment, before his hands slowly began closing the file in his hands.

He sighed. “Jack had his first tantrum this morning, and I don’t know if I handled it in the best way.”

“What happened?” You wasted no time in asking, leaning forward with your arms on your knees to get closer; as both of you always were in one way or another.

You watched as he turned his head to the side to look out into the darkness on the other side of the window, and then as he dragged is hands up and down his thighs once before turning back to meet your eyes.

“I wouldn’t let him have ice cream for breakfast and in return… he yelled at me that he hated me and threw his cereal on the floor, so I told him that he couldn’t play video games for the rest of the week, and he started crying, and locked himself into the bathroom.”

His voice was low, almost as if he were ashamed, and his eyes were swirling with guilt.

“I’ve never had to discipline him like that before. Being hard with criminals is one thing but he’s my son, and it felt wrong to punish him.”

“You did the right thing, and he’ll realize that when he gets older.” You offered him a comforting smile, and then let out a small laugh. “Just take it from someone who got away with everything throughout their childhood and ended up being the worst, most entitled bitch all through high school.”

At that, a small chuckle slipped past his lips, too, his previously furrowed eyebrows and stoic expression relaxing. “I’m having a hard time picturing you as a mean girl.” He replied, amusement now written all over his face.

“Oh, you have no idea. All of you would’ve hated me.” You laughed and shook your head. “I guess I was one of the lucky ones. Realized that my behavior was hurting others and changed for the better. I don’t think I would’ve ended up in this line of work if I hadn’t.”

“Well, I’m glad you did.” He smiled, and you did, as well.

“Me, too.”

Again, you held each other’s gazes in a moment of silence, before he looked away to look at his hand in his lap. His face once again fell into a concentrated frown.

The sight brought a sigh from your lips; not an annoyed one, but rather one out of pity. You hated that he doubted his ability to raise Jack so often, when he was such a good dad.

“You’re a good father, Aaron, and Jack will come around soon.” You told him, causing him to look back up. “Children don’t have the same capability to hold grudges as adults do. He’ll be mad at you for one day, tops, and then he’ll forget all about it and not even care about the video games. You shrugged and offered him another smile, and the corners of his lips once again turned up.

“Thank you. I really needed to hear that, it means a lot.” He thanked you, looking down for a brief second before looking back up at you. “He’s been asking for you, you know.”

“Asking for me, or for my cupcakes?” You raised a humorous eyebrow, and he chuckled.

“Both.”

“Well, I’ll be sure to make him some on my next day off.” You promised, and he nodded.

“He’ll appreciate that.”

You grinned at him, and then you turned your head to the side to look out the window, figuring the conversation was done and wanting to leave him to rest as you still had well over an hour left of a flight.

But he didn’t seem to be done talking, the sound of your own name reaching your ears only a few seconds later.

“(Y/N).”

You turned your head back, once again meeting his brown eyes and raising your eyebrows. “Yeah?” You asked.

Lips pulled into a thin line, he watched you for a moment, scanning your face and taking in every little feature and detail.

“I hope you know-” He finally continued. “We could never hate you.”

He was referring to your earlier claim, you realized almost instantly. And just as quickly, your lips stretched into a large smile, your heart fluttering in your chest and your body turning warm.

Like always, while outwardly appearing to be minding their own business, the team had been listening in on the entire conversation and looked up from their respective choice of activity – whether that be a game of cards, a book, a case file, or nothing at all – at the sound of their superior’s words, exchanging knowing looks as all of them knew that “we”, in reality meant “I”.

They kept sneaking fond glances of the two of you as Hotch went back to the file and you went back to staring out the window, both of you clearly trying to suppress identical smiles judging by the way your lips were trembling.

It was only a matter of time now, they knew. They just wished that it had been under less fatal circumstances.

You guessed you shouldn’t have been surprised; with the line of work you were in, you were always in danger. But still, you didn’t think anyone would ever be fully prepared for the possibility of being shot in their own home, which was still exactly what had happened to you.

You had just made it back home after the long flight, still smiling to yourself as the thoughts and emptions of the “goodnight” you’d shared with Hotch before you parted ways was fresh on your mind and in your body.

Like you always did upon returning home, you turned off the sprinkler and grabbed the mail before heading up the path leading to the front steps and unlocked the door.

It was dark inside, just like you’d left it, and after you’d closed the door behind you, you didn’t get the time to reach for the light switch, much less defend yourself, before you were hit in the back of the head, a gunshot ringing through the air only seconds later.

Luckily, your attacker was a lousy shot, so you managed, although barely, to hold on to your life and miraculously pulled through without bleeding out for the four long hours it took before you were found by a bypassing neighbor who noticed your feet inside the now open front door.

It was one of the rare nights where you had gotten to go home rather than immediately being called in for another case the second the wheels of the jet hit the ground upon returning home, so the entire team had been asleep in their respective homes when they got the calls.

The only person who hadn’t been asleep was Rossi, so he had been the first one to pick up his phone and get to the hospital where you were rushed into surgery, being the one who had to greet the rest of the team as they arrived, still ridden by sleep, one by one.

Hotch had, despite your close relationship, been the last to arrive as he’d had to take Jack over to Jessica’s house, and by then, Rossi had filled everyone else in on your critical condition, and the uncertainty of your survival.

The entire team was in a mixture of shock and fear, some pacing the waiting room, gnawing on their nails and fingers, and others holding on to the armrests of their chairs for dear life while they bounced their legs with nerves and tried their best to keep it together.

For Hotch who was last to arrive to the scene, being greeted with this sight was everything but comforting, and for the first time since Haley’s passing, he broke character and broke down; in the way Hotch did, with an intense inner conflict of grief and blind, red, raging anger.

Rossi recognized the signs of his inner conflict the second he met his good friend’s gaze and moved him out into the hallway to brief him on the situation in private, being one of the few people who understood how bad it could get if he lost his temper.

And boy did he lose it, the two of them ending up having a heated discussion out in the hallway; one part being unable to stay calm, and the other desperately trying to discuss rationally.

I think you can guess who played which part.

They waited and waited, for a long two hours, thirty-five minutes and eighteen seconds – yes, Spencer counted – before finally, the surgeon came out into the room in which they were all waiting to let them know that you were stable and going to be alright.

Once they knew you were going to live, they wasted no time in taking action and starting an investigation, everyone going back to the scene of crime while Penelope stayed and watched over you.

You kept having the weirdest dreams as you slept, and you weren’t able to tell dream and reality apart the times you woke up in all your drugged down glory.

But luckily, you were indefinitely awake the next morning, being greeted first thing with an interrogation by Rossi and Emily.

The team kept coming in and out but didn’t tell you much about the investigation at hand, saying that it could wait until you were fully rested, but Hotch was nowhere in sight the first day, and much to your disappointment, he didn’t visit you any other day either.

But you understood; he was busy calculating a plan of how to track and take the unsub who had shot you down, and when you got back to the office and he wasn’t there either, Emily telling you that Jack had gotten sick and Hotch had taken a few days off, you knew he had even more on his plate.

If only you’d have known if there were more to it than that.

The last time you had unlocked and opened your front door, you had been greeted by a blow to the back of your head and a bullet in your side, so when you went back home after being released from the hospital, Penelope came home with you to unlock and open the door for you, completely on her own initiative.

Ever since, both her and the others had dropped by on several occasions to make sure you were okay, that you were taking care of the wounds properly, that you had food in your fridge and snacks in your pantry.

Some stayed longer than others, but one hadn’t shown up a single time; this also happening to be the person who never left your mind.

You couldn’t bring yourself to be upset over it though, again since you knew he was busy looking for your attacker all while taking care of a sick Jack, and also because your pain medications made you feel completely indifferent to everything and everyone around you, leaving only a dull ache of helplessness.

They were so strong that you couldn’t do much else than just stare into the screen of your TV all day long, and so strong that you didn’t even realize there was a knock at your front door as you laid in bed, staring into the ceiling.

It probably wasn’t very smart for you to stay by yourself in the very place you’d been attacked when you were in no state to defend yourself should it happen again, but you refused to stay at the office like the entire team had tried convincing you to.

You convinced the others you would be fine, that you weren’t scared. And you hadn’t been, not once, until the sound of floorboards creaking reached your ears, coming from the living room right outside your bedroom.

Your heart automatically picked up speed in your chest and your head whipped to the doorway at the sound. Instinctively you rushed out of bed, completely ignoring the pain that shot through your head and side at the sudden movements and opening the drawer of your bedside table to bring out your gun.

You pulled back the safety and held it up in front of you, barrel pointed at the doorway as the lights of the hallway outside flicked on.

Your breath shook and so did your hands, palms getting clammy with sweat. You waited anxiously for another few seconds, silently listening to the footsteps getting closer, and your heartbeat quickening even further as you caught the first sight of a shadow on the floor.

Hadn’t you been so heavily drugged, you would’ve pulled the trigger the second the form appeared in the doorway, but luckily you didn’t, getting the time you needed to realize it wasn’t an intruder and lowering the gun before any harm could be done.

“Jesus, Aaron. You scared me half to death.” You let out a breath as the man in question stepped into your room.

You turned back to your nightstand and hid the gun away where you’d found it after clicking the safety back into place, and Hotch watched you with slow, calculating moves.

“I’m sorry. You didn’t answer the door so I let myself in.” He replied simply, little to no emotion in his voice nor in his face when you turned back to look at him.

“It’s okay.” You assured him, moving your hand to your forehead when a sudden spell of dizziness hit you.

He wasted no time in walking around the bed to come to your aid at the sight, grabbing your hands in his and slowly and carefully helping you sit back down at the edge of the bed.

“Thank you.” You thanked him.

“Do you need your medication?” He asked, and you slowly shook your head, keeping your eyes closed and your head lowered as you rubbed your temple.

“No, I’m alright. Just stood up too quickly is all.” You let out a tired breath, taking another moment to collect yourself before looking up to meet his waiting gaze.

“Not that I mind, but what are you doing here this late? Don’t you have to watch over Jack? Is everything okay?”

You watched as his eyes darkened and his lips pulled into a straight line. “Jack is with his aunt. I came here because I needed to see that you were okay. I’m sorry I haven’t checked in earlier.”

His eyes were apologetic and guilt was evident on his face and in the way he held himself; stiff and curt. But you only faced him with a smile, like you always did.

“It’s fine. I know you’ve been busy.” You assured him, holding your smile for another moment before hesitantly continuing. “Do you have any leads?”

He stared at you, his eyes turning a shade darker as the matter at hand, the matter that had almost gotten you killed, was brought up.

“JJ and Spencer are following one as we speak, but that conversation can wait until later. Right now, we need to talk. More specifically, I need to talk. I need to tell you something.”

Your smile faltered at his words and the seriousness behind them, being completely replaced by nervousness. “Okay.” Was the only response you could muster in return.

He was known to be a very serious man, but he never was with you, not in the way he was with everyone else, so the possibilities of what he wanted to say clouded your head, none of them good and definitely not even close to what you had coming.

“When I got the call that you had been shot, I realized something. I realized that… when I’m with you, I feel like I’m home, in a way I haven’t felt since I was with Haley. And seeing you in a life-threatening situation like I did the night you were shot, constantly thinking of the possibility that we... That I might have lost you, made me feel lost, like I didn’t know where I belonged anymore.”

“Aaron-“

“Please, I’m not finished.” He interrupted you gently, and you slowly nodded, remaining quiet and allowing him to continue.

“There’s no use in wasting time so I’m just going to say it. I love you, and I think I’ve known that for a while now. I wasn’t planning on acting on it for the sake of our work situation but seeing you hurt, knowing you could’ve…” He paused and his face faltered. “I couldn’t keep quiet about my feelings any longer. I don’t expect you to reciprocate them, but I needed you to know because I would’ve regretted not telling you every day for the rest of my life if I lost you without letting you know how much you mean to me.”

All you could hear when he finished talking was your own heartbeat, thudding and pulsating through your entire body and all the way up to your ears. Your hands was yet again trembling and clamming up, but this time for an entirely different reason.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to hear you say those words.” You whispered, and his face hardened in expectation.

“Are you saying that you…”

“Yes. I’ve never wanted anyone this badly before, in any way.” You interrupted him, and bravely brought your hands up to his face. “I love you, Aaron Hotchner. I always have, and I want you in every way a person can want another.”

He raised his hands and placed them on top of yours where they were cradling his cheeks, and then the two of you met in the middle, your lips touching with a gentle brush to a start to test the unknown waters, but quickly pressing together with more force.

Your entire body was overcome with tingles and butterflies in a matter of seconds and as it drowned out the dreadful pain, both mental and physical, that you’d been feeling for the past few days, you immediately found yourself needing more; needing for it to never stop.

The kiss quickly deepened, Hotch’s hands leaving yours to move to your cheeks instead, and your hands moving from his face to wrap around the back of his neck, where you wasted no time in slipping your fingers into his hair.

You didn’t know what came over you.

You didn’t know if it was the fact that you were high on various pain medications, if it was the fear that you had suppressed the entire time since your shooting finally showing itself and ridding you of all logic and self-control, or if it was just the fact that you had been waiting for this moment for so long, but whatever it was, it made you desperate in a way you’d never been desperate before.

Not even a minute into the kiss, your hands moved from his neck, down his shoulders and to the front of his jacket, where you didn’t waste any time in beginning to push at the fabric in an attempt to get it off.

At this, Hotch broke away from the kiss, his breathing heavy and uneven, and his eyebrows furrowed as he looked into your eyes. “We shouldn’t, you’re not healed.” He said in protest, but his darkening eyes and the way he was slowly, absentmindedly moving his hands down from your face to the lower hem of your shirt didn’t quite agree with his voicing of disapproval.

“I’m healed enough.” You breathed back, pleadingly so. “Please, I just want to feel something else than this… this dull ache.”

There was obviously more psychological pain and trouble left behind by the incident than you’d let on to the team, he realized as he analyzed your face, and he could do nothing other than nod.

“Let me know if I hurt you, in any way.” He told you, staring into your eyes with a determination that let you know that he wouldn’t take it well if you didn’t do as told.

As his forehead pressed against yours, you closed your eyes and nodded. “I promise I will, but you won’t.” You mumbled.

Even with your eyes closed, you could feel his eyes burning into your face for another few seconds, just analyzing you and the situation at hand, before he finally gave in and caught you in another kiss.

Again, the kiss escalated in a matter of mere seconds and before you knew it, you were slowly being lowered onto your back.

Your arms wrapped around his neck again and he kept one of his on your cheek, while the other held the small of your back to make sure you weren’t twisting your hurt side in any uncomfortable ways.

Once you were properly situated and he was balancing above you on his hands and elbows, you made another attempt at getting him out of his jacket and this time he didn’t protest, helping you by pulling his arms out and letting you throw the article of clothing to the floor.

His shirt wasn’t far behind after you’d blindly unbuttoned it, and you wasted no time in trailing your hands down his toned chest to his abdomen and stopping only when your fingers made contact of the hem of his pants where you undid the single button and pulled down the accompanying zipper.

“Are you sure?” He mumbled against your lips, and as an answer, you grabbed at the hem on either side of his hips and pulled down.

“Yes.”

Getting all the confirmation he needed, he helped you take off his pants and shook them off his legs and to the floor, before carefully beginning to help you out of your shirt.

Luckily, you were wearing a button-up too, making it easy to get it off as opposed to the struggle it would have been if you had been wearing a normal t-shirt, as you could barely lift your arms without risking the stitches in your side being ripped.

It was because of that very risk that he was still very hesitant in his movements, touching you with hands, fingers and kisses so light, as if you were made out of porcelain; and you guessed you kind of were in this moment.

But he showed no signs of wanting to stop, as an unreadable expression crossed over his face when he was first met with the sight of your bare upper body.

“You’re so beautiful.” He told you in a breath, his voice deeper than usual and his brown eyes darkening to the point where they looked pure black in the little light contributed by the lamp in your bedroom window.

He bent back down to your face after discarding you of your shorts and latched his lips back onto yours, your arms returning to wrap around his neck while he slowly brought his hand down the length of your body.

You hadn’t been kissing nor touching each other for more than a mere few minutes, but you’d be surprised at how quickly the human body could get ready for something it had been awaiting and yearning for, for such a long time - Hotch already hard in his briefs and you already slick with wetness as he dipped his finger between your folds.

A shaky breath left your lips as his finger brushed over the throbbing bundle of nerves, and you tugged at the hair at the back of his head when he eased a digit into your heat.

He knew exactly what to do, curling his finger and gently caressing the inner ceiling in search of your sweet spot. For experienced men, of which he was one, that wasn’t hard, and he quickly had you tensing up as the first moan slipped past your lips and your head fell back into the pillows underneath you.

He easily slipped another finger in after stretching you out for another moment, your body relaxing and becoming more and more willing for him for every second that passed.

Once he found the rhythm that appeared to please you the most, he added his thumb to the equation, adding pressure on your clit and rubbing it with small circles.

Your heart felt like it was about to burst out of your chest and you were unable to concentrate on anything other than the pleasure he was giving you, a shiver running down your spine when he leaned his head back down and began trailing kisses down your neck, shoulders and breasts.

He worked you with his fingers for a while, before he couldn’t take the sounds of your moans any longer and released himself from his boxers, lining himself up at your entrance.

Feeling a sense of loss and emptiness now that his fingers were gone, you wasted no time in raising your legs and wrapping them around him, pulling him against you and urging him to push inside which he, in turn, wasted no time in obeying to.

You held your breath as he entered you, stretching you out and reaching further than his fingers ever could. His head was buried in the crook between your neck and shoulder, heavy breaths coming out his nose and dampening your skin.

He began raising his head from your neck, and before he could either speak or look at you, you nodded your head.

“I’m alright.” You spoke, and at that he immediately locked his lips with yours and slowly began moving out, and then into you again.

You held the kiss for as long as you could, but as he soon quickened his pace and it became too much to keep track of at the same time, your head simply fell back into the pillows while his moved back to the curve of your neck, one of his hands holding the weight of his body and the other moving back and forth between your breasts and the sensitive bundle of nerves that was just begging for release.

And release came sooner than you thought for both of you, the two of you toppling over the edge as you reached your climaxes one after another.

It wasn’t the longest session either of you had partaken in throughout your lives but for now, it was enough. And either way, you knew that after this, other times would come, with better and less strained circumstances.

The throbbing pain in your side that you had been too distracted to notice when you had been caught up in the pleasure, returned all at once like a metaphorical slap to your face the second you came down from your high, so that Hotch had to help you back into your night shirt once you were cleaned up.

“Are you staying the night?” You asked softly, watching his concentrated face as he buttoned your shirt back up.

He glanced up at you at the sound of your words, giving you a hesitant look. “If you don’t want me to leave.”

Your head instantly shook and you brought your hands to his, stopping him from buttoning the last few buttons by stepping closer to him and moving his hands to your waist.

“No, stay.” You whispered, bringing your hands up to his bare shoulders.

He rubbed his thumbs over your hipbones and nodded, leaning in to press a featherlight kiss to your lips, which you gladly returned.

Together, you moved back to the bed, flicking off the ceiling lamp on your way, that you had turned on when cleaning yourselves and each other up in the bathroom.

You got into bed and you instantly started getting situated to sleep in the position you always did, carefully so in order to not disturb your stitches, but Hotch didn’t seem to be able to settle down as easily as you.

“What are you doing?” You asked with a light chuckle, watching with amusement as he moved the pillows back and forth behind him.

He didn’t even look up at your question. “Trying to get comfortable. Your mattress is not the most-”

“Hey, don’t hate on the mattress.” You interrupted him, giving him a feign glare when he looked up to meet your eyes, before raising an amused eyebrow. “And stop stealing all of my pillows. I need them more than you do.” You joked, snatching one of them back and gently hitting his arm with it.

His concentrated, determined frown disappeared and was replaced with a fond smile, a small chuckle slipping past his lips. “Come here.” He said, giving up on the pillows and opening his arms.

You didn’t waste any time, slowly and carefully moving into his arms after placing your pillow where it would provide the most comfort and support for your head, and humming in contentment once you were successfully comfortable.

You were content for a minute, just laying in silence while Hotch’s thumb gently caressed your upper arm and your finger drew lazy circles on his still bare chest.

For just a minute, every problem in the world was gone, just leaving the two of you, and peace.

And then the moment was ruined, ripped away from you and replaced with the ugly face of reality with a single beep of his phone.

He heaved a heavy sigh, his thumb stilling on your arm and remaining there for another moment, before he unwrapped his arm from around you and sat up on the edge of the bed, reaching for his pants that were now laid out on a chair within arm’s reach and bringing his phone out of the pocket.

“What is it?” You wasted no time in asking, clumsily pushing yourself up into a sitting position again while he read whatever message he had just gotten.

“Morgan.” He told you simply, his eyes scanning the screen once more before he locked the phone and put it back in the pocket. ”The old lead fell out but they found another.”

“A lead for-?”

“Yes.” He confirmed before you could ask. “We’re wheels up in an hour.”

“I’m coming with you.” You hurriedly began crawling out of bed, but you were instantly stopped, Hotch reaching out to catch your wrist and turning back to face you.

“You’re staying here.” He told you sternly, his role of your boss returning now that things were serious again. “And I need to take a shower before I go.”

“No, don’t go. Not yet.” You pleaded, sucking on the inside of your lip as your heartbeat increased in speed as the suppressed fear of being alone once again began resurfacing.

“I can’t show up to the jet like this.” He told you, and you nodded.

“Okay, so I’ll join you in the shower.”

“With your bandage?” He raised his eyebrows, an amused smile playing on his lips.

“It needs to be changed, anyway.” You shrugged.

“You’re not supposed to get it wet.”

“Fine, I’ll cover myself in plastic wrap.” You jokingly said, crawling closer to the edge on which he was sitting and grabbing a hold of his shoulders once you got close enough.

“You drive a hard bargain.” He chuckled, looking up at you where you stood above him on your knees.

You smiled, squeezing his hand when it slipped down from your wrist and into yours. “Yeah? You think I should go for becoming a prosecutor?” You mused in a mumble, moving your hands up to his jaw and leaning in closer.

He welcomed the proximity with no protest, his gentle smile reaching all the way to his eyes. “No. You’re too nice.” He pointed out in a mumble, and softly pressed his lips to yours.

“No matter how much I’d love it if you joined me in the shower, you need to let the stitches heal. You’ve already challenged them enough as it is.” He mumbled into the kiss, and you let out a shaky breath.

“I don’t want you to go.” You whispered back. “I don’t want to be alone.”

He kissed you again, before pulling away and bringing a hand to your face. “I’ll call Garcia and have her come over and keep you company.” He said, and you shook your head.

“No, you need her help from the office.”

“She can bring the gear she needs. I’m not leaving you here alone.” He pushed. “I promise we’ll talk more when I get back.”

You sighed but couldn’t hold back the mischievous grin rising to your lips. “Can we do this again, too?” You asked, and watched as his smile took a boyish turn.

“Is that a trick question?”

Your smile widened. “No, but I just got my answer.” You replied, and leaned in and pressed your lips to his a final time, holding the kiss longer this time, until another beep from his phone forced you to pull away.

You fell back onto the bed and he stood up, beginning to collect his clothes and heading for the open bathroom door the next second.

You watched him enter the dark room and flick on the light, and as he then put his clothes down on top of the closed laundry hamper. Without looking out, he reached for the door and began closing it.

Before he could, however, you called out from the bed. “Hey, Hotchner.”

He turned to look at you at the sound of his name falling from your lips, your eyes meeting.

“Tell me again before you go, will you?” You asked simply.

He stared at you for a moment, face completely overtaken by exhaustion just like yours was, before the corner of his lip tugged up ever so lightly.

“I love you.” He said, and you smiled, hugging the pillow under your head closer.

“I love you, too.”

You exchanged one last look, one last smile, before he slowly closed the door, breaking your line of sight from each other.

A minute later, you heard the shower being turned on, and you closed your eyes as a sudden wave of tiredness overcame you.

By the time Hotch got out of the shower and came back out, dressed and ready to leave, you were fast asleep. So he left you with no more than a soft kiss to the top of your head, not wanting to wake you up just to say goodbye, and called Garcia the second he was out the door.

You slept soundly for the next half hour, before being awoken by the overly energetic woman in question barging into your bedroom with bags, and bags and bags of technical equipment that you didn’t even begin to know how to work, complaining about Kevin having brought her the wrong brand of ice cream.

It wasn’t until she noticed Hotch’s signature red tie at her feet on the floor that she quietened down, looking up and taking note of your messy hair and even messier sheets where you were forcing yourself awake in bed.

You felt sorry for your neighbors for the deafeningly loud scream that followed her moment of realization, but you felt even more sorry for yourself, as you had to spend the rest of the night listening to her rambling your ears off about her winning the bet and the others owing her a fuck-ton of cash, and her demanding every, dirty little detail, which you had no choice but to give up.

As for the rest of the team, they could do nothing but silently stare when Hotch arrived at the airport with wet, messy hair, the top two buttons of his shirt undone and his tie nowhere in sight.

They had their suspicions just from the mere sight of him, but when he passed them to get to his seat on the jet, leaving a gust of air behind in which all they could smell was the scent of your shampoo, they knew for sure, that the inevitable had finally happened.

Tagged: @must-be-a-weasley-92 @zizzlekwum @cozytruecrimeaddict @rousethemouse @shadow-of-wonder @sgold @fanficscuziranout @lieswithoutfairytales @lovelynervouskingdom @thesassmisstress @witchcraftandwit

(If you want to be added or removed from the tag list, send me a message, ask or leave a comment)

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner imagine #hotch #hotch x reader #hotch imagine #hotchner #hotchner imagine #hotchner x reader #aaron hotch #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds imagine

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fruitymimi · 4 years

Text

Free Bird - Keigo Takami x Reader

free bird master list

the hero commission ruined him, leaving him unable to feel anything. that is until he meets them.

warning: yandere themes, emotional trauma/abuse, obsessive hawks

pairing: keigo takami x gender neutral reader

a/n: this fic will get darker as i go, this is only the first chapter (; this is all fiction, if it isnt your thing please scroll x. THIS IS ALSO SLOW BURN! hopefully i’ll have an update out tmr <3

word count: 2727

Keigo Takami was the last man you’d call mentally stable.

Keigo has always felt like he didn’t have a valid place on this earth. He’s always felt like he was alone, nobody understood the way he thought. Since he was a child, he hated the idea of becoming a hero. He wanted to live in peace, he wanted to feel like a free bird. He couldn’t remember much about his childhood, almost like he’d built a mental wall between his past and whatever he had left that he called a future.

His parents always asked him if he wanted to be “Just like Endeavor!” and whenever he’d tell them that he wanted to be his own person, they would shut him down by saying he just didn’t realize it yet, but he was “bound” to be the #1 hero. Instead of a childhood, Keigo was forced to train with people who were physically and mentally stronger than him, people who made his quirk seem as though it was just lightwork that anyone could do.

Putting a child with people who would make him feel inferior was one thing, but doing it on purpose to try and make your child stronger was just abusive. That’s all his parents wanted. They wanted him to be the strongest hero in the world. They would do anything to get their hands on a child with a hero salary.

“You’ll be just like your idol!”

As soon as Hawks turned 18, he’d lost his freedom to speak for himself, he’d lost his free will. He was no longer a free bird. He was manipulated and forced into the position he was in now. They promised he’d be the perfect hero, they promised he would have the top hero position.

Keigo was so desperate for an escape that he believed his “idol” would be his savior, poor thing knew that was near impossible, though. His parents basically sold their soul to Endeavor, after exchanging a few words & their child with Endeavor, his future was written for him.

Endeavor wasn’t at all innocent. Keigo was his fifth chance at the perfect child in his eyes. The only thing that separated the man from Keigo’s parents was the fact that Enji was not motivated by money. Endeavor wanted nothing more than a perfect name. He wanted his name to have an impact far after his death, and he wasn’t sure how far he’d get with Shoto.

By having Keigo, Endeavor could let people know that he trained, motivated, and pushed Keigo to be the amazing hero he was. Nobody would find out about Keigo’s past, no one needed to know. Endeavor would be a legend, Keigo’s parents would be rich beyond belief, and Keigo would be a hero, who wouldn’t want to work for a corrupt system that enslaves or brainwashes its people?

The hero commission didn’t want Keigo. They wanted a hero they could control.

“His quirk is perfect. He has the ability to fly, he can use his feathers in combat, he’s the perfect tool.”

From a young age, Keigo was forced to realize how terrible the hero commission was. Praised or villanized for a quirk you couldn’t control, and if you didn’t have a quirk, you were pretty much useless.

The only people who understood this concept was of course those who were affected by it. The ones who were published all over the news for being a villain, a threat, just because the hero commission saw their quirk as dangerous. They’d be locked behind bars for wanting to stop the injustices & prejudice against them, they’d rot in a cell, blaming themselves for something they couldn’t control. All while heroes were praised for doing the bare minimum, living in 3 story homes, eating off of silver spoons.

Knowing this at a young age was a lot for Keigo. All he wanted was to be a free bird, but… that wasn’t possible anymore. He felt empty. He felt like his life didn’t have a purpose, he was just a puppet for Endeavor, a bank for his parents.

He’d spend hours training with Endeavor, even if he complained that he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t feel like he could continue, Endeavor would make him continue training until he couldn’t fly straight. They event went so far as to putting Keigo in a dorm room inside of Endeavor’s building so they could have longer and “more effective” training. Keigo knew he wouldn’t get out of being a hero, and he was slowly accepting the fact that his right to autonomy was gone.

He couldn’t even escape from the dorms. Even though Endeavor left every night to go to his own home, the building was heavily guarded and Keigo would be a fool to try and run away.

And that’s how he carried himself until he was nineteen. No, he didn’t finally break Endeavor with his sob stories. No, he didn’t knock any sense into his parents to have them pull him out of hero work. He… met someone?

“This is Keigo. He’s… he’s interning with me. He’s been shadowing me since he was a young, aspiring hero.” Enji explained to the person who was following close behind him. They had bright eyes, they looked like they were excited and content with being a hero.

Keigo couldn’t help but stare at them… someone was walking with Endeavor and they were happy. That’s not something you even see from his own wife. It didn’t take long for Keigo to notice how gorgeous they were. The prettiest skin, their features were soft & made their face look absolutely stunning.

“Keigo. Don’t you have something to say to them?” Endeavor was staring daggers into Keigo’s face.

Keigo’s eyes were blown wide as he snapped back into reality. “My name is Keigo Takami. It’s really nice to meet you.” He said to them, reaching his hand out for them to shake.

They grinned, taking his hand into theirs. “It’s nice to meet you! I’m Y/N! I’m interning with All Might, he’s just gonna be busy for a few weeks in another country… So, he trusted Endeavor to train me until he’s back.” Immediately, they cursed themselves for saying something that Keigo probably had no interest in, something he didn’t ask about.

But that’s where they were wrong. Keigo wanted nothing more but to hear them speak. He was pretty sure that the only real interaction he’d gotten in the past month was with Endeavor, it felt amazing to finally be talking with someone else.

Keigo felt like he was floating as he stared at their smile. He wanted to listen to them speak all day, he didn’t care if what they said had no meaning.

“I trust you to teach her warm-ups while I’m in the next room getting a few things for the training,” Endeavor looked at Keigo, raising a row, “behave yourself.” He mumbled, leaving the two in the room by themselves.

Keigo couldn’t help but watch what they were doing. They seemed so bubbly and excited to be in the position they were in.

“So..” They finally broke the awkward silence, folding their hands in front of them, “He seems like he’s a hardass, isn’t he?” They laughed.

Keigo furrowed his brows, scratching the back of his neck. “Hm- What?” He stuttered out. Of course he was getting distracted by their smile again. The way their hands looked so soft and the way their eyes shined whenever they would look at Keigo.

“Endeavor, birdbrain. He’s a hardass? I can tell.” They teased, slowly walking to a chair that was in the room. “He seems like he’s really strict, almost like he’s annoying.”

For some reason, Keigo’s face felt all hot. It felt like it was burning hot in the room all of a sudden. He didn’t feel right. He felt like he wasn’t in the right dimension. He wasn’t himself. “Yeah… That’s Endeavor… He’s always like that, always has been since I can remember.”

“Why’d you pick him for your internship? There are so many cool heroes… Endeavor seems…” Their words trailed off as they looked down at Keigo’s wings, smiling when he saw them flutter. Of course the stupid things fluttered at the sound of their voice.

Keigo opened his mouth to speak, searching for the words-- a lie to tell them. “Well… I’ve always looked up to him. He keeps me in check and is putting me on the correct path to becoming a hero.” The simple, stupid lie felt like acid on his tongue. He couldn’t even stand pretending to praise the man. “What about you? Why All Might?”

They shrugged. “I dunno… I want to be like him someday… But… I want to be better. I don’t want people to feel like they’re villains just because they don’t have the ideal quirk. I want them to also know that they can make a difference in this world just like a hero can. And I want people without quirks to know that too,” They said, getting that same bright look in their face they had when they first walked in, “I’ve always thought the hero commission was fucked, but maybe if a few good heroes step in, it’ll better…?”

Keigo hummed, nodding his head. “I’ve always thought the same thing. The hero commission is so damaged.” Keigo agreed. He could listen to them speak for hours. He was in absolute awe from the way they made him feel.

After that day, Keigo drug himself to his bedroom in his dorm.. His body didn’t feel like it was his anymore. He had never felt this way and it was honestly overwhelming. He didn’t have anyone to speak to about it, so these feelings bottled up in his soul. He kept closing his eyes to go to sleep, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking about them. Their smile, how excited they were to do hero work. His head felt all cloudy, his heart felt like it was heavy. Finally he could feel something, he hated it.

It felt like his head was pounding. Keigo coldn’t get them off his mind. They’d only met and spoken to each other once, why was he feeling like this? This wasn’t him falling in love, right?

“That’s childish… It can’t be..” he mumbled to himself, laying down flat against his pillow. He could hear faint footsteps but he’d just assumed it was Endeavor walking around the hallways to make sure he was sleeping before he left for his own home.

“Hey..” Y/N knocked on his cracked door, biting down on their bottom lip, “Birdbrain… You awake?” They whisper-yelled, peeking into his room.

Keigo squinted at the door, sitting up in his bed. “Why’re you awake? Endeavor’s gonna be upset..” he told them, pushing the blankets off of his legs to walk over to them.

They shrugged, opening the door a bit wider. “It’s fine. I wanted to show you something… it might be something you already know about, but I thought it would make you kinda happy.” They reached for his wrist, tugging it towards their dorm room.

They smiled, rushing him over to the window. “I noticed if you can fit through the window, you could sit on the roof… I thought it would be kinda cool for us to look at the stars or something and talk. Since I’m gonna be here for awhile, we might as well become friends, right?”

That stupid fucking smile.

Keigo nodded slowly, looking outside. “There are guards down there… what if they see us?” Keigo bit down on his lip. To Keigo, it wasn’t a matter of ‘what if they see us?’, it was a matter of ‘what if they see me?’. They wouldn’t get in trouble, but Keigo would be punished if they thought he was sneaking out.

“If we get in trouble, I’ll take the blame. Just do this with me, please?” They asked, unlocking the window. They slid it open, crawling out of the window. They turned to face Keigo, offering a hand to help him out.

Keigo stared at their hand for a minute. He was getting that dumb feeling again. His hands felt shaky, his cheeks felt like they were burning hot, his heart was pounding like it was doing flips in his chest. He took their hand, using it to get onto the rooftop.

“You’re so shaky… Have you never done anything risky like this?” They giggled, turning to look at all of the stars. “It’s really beautiful up here.” They mumbled.

Keigo looked at them, then to their glossy eyes. He swallowed, nodding his head. “Yeah, it’s really pretty…” he muttered, his eyes darting down to his lap. Was this love? He hasn’t felt that since he was a child, how could he have fallen for some trainee?

“So, Keigo. What is your quirk exactly? Can you only fly?” They asked him, turning to look at the man beside them.

Keigo shook his head. “No! I mean.. No, my quirk gives me fierce wings. My feathers act as if they’re alive and move at my command. They’re good for saving people. And I can use some of them like a sword, some of them are extremely sharp.” Keigo explained to them, watching them look at his hawks in amazement. “What’s your quirk..?”

They hummed. “That’s really cool! You should take me on a flight one day,” they grinned, “and… It’s kind of lame compared to yours. I can create a sandstorm on command, small, large, whatever.” They told him.

Keigo nodded. “That’s not lame. That sounds really interesting, actually.” Keigo felt his wings twitch. They were making him feel some type of way again.

Keigo got lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t even notice them leaning their head against him until he heard their soft snores. Keigo turned his head, something red catching his eye. He darted his eyes over to the window, peering out. He could see Endeavor standing at the door way with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

Keigo bit his lip, turning back to the stars. He looked down at them. He couldn’t help but notice their features all over again. They were absolutely breath-taking. And they smelled fresh and sweet, he felt like he could get high off of their rich scent. Their skin looked soft to the touch, it made him want to reach out and lay his hand on their cheek, and just stare into their eyes.

Keigo’s wings fluttered again at the sight. He bit down on his lip, letting out a deep breath. Keigo was basically at a war with himself in his head. Was it okay for him to develop a crush on someone this fast? Keigo didn’t remember what it was like to be in love, he’d lost that feeling towards his parents long ago. But looking down at them made him feel safe. As long as he was out here with them, nothing could hurt him anymore.

He could forget about everything that was hurting him. He could forget about what was trapping him inside this awful building when he was with them.

His parents couldn’t hurt him anymore.

Endeavor couldn’t hurt him anymore.

Keigo could feel tears brimming at his eyes, his bottom lip quivering. Only they could make him feel this way. No one else gave him this sense of… sense of euphoria and happiness. And the way they were speaking with him, they felt it too, right? They were in love too, right? Keigo wasn’t crazy. Keigo knew what this meant.

This meant they were in love too.

He just knew that he couldn’t let them go. He couldn’t let someone take them from him. He needed them. He wanted to have this feeling forever. He needed to feel wanted forever. He wasn’t interpreting this wrong, this was love. This is what true love was suposed to feel like. He wrapped his wing around them, using his feathers as if they were a blanket to keep them warm.

He looked down at his shaky hands, pressing one against his pounding chest. This was all because of them. This was meant to happen… this is fate. His mind was blank. The only thing he could only think one thing,

Mine.

They will be mine.

#bnha #hawks x reader #gender neutral imagine #mha #mha x reader #bnha x reader #keigo takami x reader #keigo takami #yagami yato #x reader #yandere #yandere hawks #yandere keigo #yandere keigo x reader #slow burn #yandere hawks x reader

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whatgaviiformes · 3 years

Text

The Personal Trash

Okay, I needed the catharsis of writing this out, but I am throwing it under a read more because I honestly don’t expect anyone to read this. Family shit below

I feel like before I start I have to say first I love my husband very much and am continually excited by the life we are and have been building together, and the only goddamn constant in these circumstances is that he is my best friend always.

The second part of this before I jump in is that his mother, my mother-in-law lives with us, and there are parts of this story I can’t tell because it’s her story and I am not that kind of person. One of the things I love about him is his loyalty to family. I am the same way. Living with elders does not make me bat an eyelid - they’ve taken care of us, it feels comforting that we can take care of them.

But I need to share the context of our home - it’s a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom townhouse with the three of us, three dogs, with almost every space shared. One kitchen, one living room. It’s a small place. My husband purchased the house in September 2014, and it was around when we started dating. One of our first outings was his housewarming. It was, and still is, a starter home.

So since he’s had the home, I’ve been around - starting with a weekends, back and forth, and finally a moved in in 2017, married in 2019, and now we are here. Four years later.

We’ve talked upsizing, getting an in law place if we can. But the housing market is a sellers market at the moment, and things have been good. For four years.

For four years, the family unit has been the three of us. We’ve all contributed in different ways, and in that time, MIL has retired, husband has switched jobs a few times, and mine has been constant. And I *adore* my job. But it keeps me incredibly busy, overwhelmed often. Work-life balance is a bit of a joke for sure. Like anywhere there are days that I’ve gotten off work and cried. Or, checked out mentally that I couldn’t engage in other things. It’s can be intense, but its rewarding. And there was a period through the past few years where I was the source of income keeping our heads above water. And we were - we were fine. But it put a lot of stress on me.

In the meantime there have been some health issues - which I will gloss over. Not my story. But MIL has had few different things, on top of us worrying about COVID. We’ve taken her to some different appointments and such.

We had one such scare two weekends ago, and it kind was a catalyst to a bunch of other stuff that I’ve been dealing with behind the scenes lately. So on Sunday, husband and I went to the grocery store (she was supposed to go on a trip for four days or so) so we were going to use the opportunity to cook a few things together, and we needed to replenish. We were about to grab lunch, and called to see if she wanted anything, and she told him then she wanted to be taken to the hospital. She told us a few days earlier she was having some problems, but only mentioned to my husband that she was worried this might happen. But to me this forewarning was not mentioned, and I was only told because he advised her that she needed to be upfront of what was going on. (For the record, she still was vague).

This ^ will be a theme.

So we skipped lunch, came back home, I unloaded the food and started putting stuff away because he and I agreed that’s what we do and I told him to keep me updated, and she left without saying anything to me or vice versa. Husband comes home because COVID means you can’t stay with anyone. Also no beds, so it took awhile (F*CKING GET VACCINATED PEOPLE SO PEOPLE WHO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT AREN’T LAID UP FOR YOUR STUPIDITY -alsoyesiknowthereareotherreasonspeopleareinthehospitalforcovidjustgivemethisimfrustrated)

11:30 PM that night we picked her back up. It was late, I was tired. A few days later she tells us that she had a lot of time to think while at the hospital, and tells us she is going to move out.

First - you know what we did while she was in the hospital? We freaking worried. Okay - so all of that is facts, details, and I’ve gotten you caught up to the this-happened-then-this-happened. The rest of this is feelings so buckle the fuck up

Husband - immediately lashes out because he doesn’t like the reasons (still doesn’t) and I find out that there was a conversation the day before between the two of them I wasn’t a part of - and he felt because she was not being honest with me, he was forced to have to lie to me, his wife, and didn’t like that feeling.

Me - feeling confused, a little like this is out of left field, and only not completely surprised because this has happened before with husband telling me, and then it never happening, we misunderstanding. and more times than not it never made it from her mouth to my ears. Also it was never for *this* reason. See how this escalates more below.

Husband- “I had to learn to live with strangers, and you just can’t stand not being in control” Me - so wait I am a stranger now?

Husband - do you even like my wife...

and so on. So apparently everything I thought I knew about our home changed in the course of this conversation. What I was able to get out of the cacophony of chaos is that I am insensitive because I don’t interact with her the way she expects me to? And she feels like she’s intruding all the time, despite us assuring her she’s not, inviting her to game nights, and in general sharing in the things that you do as a family like vacations and dinners. And the more we argued, the more little things came out and little clues. She’s mentioned leaving before, almost on a 6 month cycle, and the last time was this one -

So like... when we got Della, and three days in she was like “If they don’t get along I’m going to take Dino and my own place” and so like... hold up, you can’t just throw away a comment like that. They’ve barely gotten a chance to know each other. (they are fine by the way. Della is a puppy and gets in his face a bit, but she’s still learning. They play, sleep together fine, and we are constantly taking care of the fur kids).

And from what I get from the comments to leave - because shit there’s still so many pieces to this I feel like I am missing -she will rationalize other reasons like the dog example above.

So when this happens it sends my husband in a spiral, he tells me because she won’t say anything, and the one time we did try to have a conversation about it, she shut down and made it sounds like he misunderstood and made him out to be the asshole. Then in the same breath tell him its not his job to fix everything as a stab at me, but like continue to talk only to him when it involves everyone.

I don’t know if that makes sense. A lot happens without me involved.

So then - those clues - the hints that all of this is really about me:

health - i stopped asking because she stopped telling me things, so how am I supposed to know what she can and can’t do. but im at fault for like... not asking. but she’s not telling.

home - apparently my understanding and my husbands understanding about the stuff she does around the house - some cleaning, groceries (we pay for) and loading dishwasher, cooking sometimes,. We thought she liked doing them to help around the house, and she’s never told us differently. EDIT- no, she’s told us she likes to help. Cue - you can stop right there, I am an adult and I never asked you to clean up after me.

I feel like whatever feelings she has for me started a long time ago, and she continued to let them harbor instead of talking to me about it, until it got to the point where it couldn’t really be solved.

I mean, I am not lacking the self-awareness to recognize that, yeah, I can be messy, and yeah, I can be single minded. There are days where my husband is talking me and I just space answering him because I can’t or or I just mentally lose it in processing.

I am seeing this mirror reflected back at me of like - I have all these expectations for you, and you are a problem and, but like.... it kind of goes both ways? And I feel like you’ve made these circumstances yourself? And if you want to leave that’s fine, but its not from our doing?

And so in the end *I* feel like I am the one under scrutiny for everything I do or say and how I interact in my home. And it feels like selfishness, and self-victimizing behavior that I’ve seen time and time again, and I don’t really see a way out.

So husband just wants to keep the family together, he’s taking this to heart - its his mom, and there are feelings there about how they’ve provided for each other. He would feel differently if they got the house and she moved in with him under the notion that she was going to save, get her own place. But it wasn’t, and so he has this weight on his shoulders for it, for failing in some way.

And I - well. I didn’t really realize the family unit we had wasn’t working... at least to that extent and that it stemmed from me and I’m really hurt by it. Aside from the stuff above, I am really easy going - I try to give everyone space, and make everyone happy. I shut down if I am processing something. I’ve never intentionally tried to make her feel unwelcome. I’ve invited her to my family vacations, we’ve all equally enjoyed dinner’s out.

And though I’d be willing to try to do better, i am absolutely livid that this conversation waited until it was at its worst. So now I don’t really want to try to do better because I am mad and hurt, and don’t feel like my sacrifices or contributions are being acknowledged, nor do I think she will do the same thing to be self-reflective and recognize her own part of all this. And above all things, I truly hate to be misunderstood. And I will completely shut down under that kind of self-victimizing behavior and thoughtlessness to other people. I don’t want to lose myself over this, in my own home.

So neither path is really an easy or right solution. She moves out, husband loses a bit of respect in her and the relationship they have.. She stays, recognizing your own part in lack of communication is a long term thing, and I have to feel this awkward limbo for that whole process.. if it even gets there.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells constantly.

I should never have to question if a “Hello” will be taken the right way and that’s how i fucking feel.

#personal trash #cursing

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heraldofzaun · 3 years

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what are your thoughts on viktor and being neurodivergent? though like, obligatory disclaimer that if riot ever did come out and say that "hey! viktor is canonically [something]" that would be catastrophic but i think it is a little bit of fun for consideration

Oh! Well I like to think he's autistic, which is partially because I am too. (Of course in canon it would be catastrophic because haha, oh man, look at how they've treated Blitzcrank's biographies ever since they gave him an updated one. There's some coding in there, alright, and I am... not a fan...)

I’ve posted a lot of long posts recently (this is no exception) and this is also on a kind of tricky subject, so I’m readmore’ing it.

So anyways, while I have to admit that some of the reason why (my) Viktor is autistic is because I am - I think that you can make a general semi-convincing argument. Or I'm so wrapped up in my own interpretations that I can, at the least. Anyways, from here on out when I say Viktor I mean my personal take. Your mileage may vary on applying this to other interpretations.

(Also, thoughts on new lore Jayce's being kind of coded to be like, a stereotypical autistic dude? (If you have any I mean.) I don't like that Riot is doing it, of course, but I've seen a few good rehabilitative takes on it in fandom. @hamartio's Jayce springs to mind, because their Jayce has been developed over the years and also written by someone who like. Cares. Anyways, I have my own personal Jayce ideas that rely on his old lore so he's not really an asshole there, at least in those regards, so I don't really have many thoughts on new Jayce. I think new Viktor is... pretty coded as well, but it’s also insanely stereotypical. The whole “always working, always wants certainty, gets into automation not because he (primarily) wants to help those injured by catastrophes in Zaun but because the catastrophes interrupt his work” thing makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll write sometime on why the rewrite of his lore fails, in my opinion, to hit upon the same themes of his first - would that be of interest to folks? Anyways, this parenthetical is too long.)

I think that autistic Viktor is cool and makes sense, somewhat because of the fact that the ways he goes about solving his problems are, er, unorthodox. (Of course I am not saying that the GE is because he’s autistic, because that’s stupid. This is why I’m kind of squirrely about talking so openly about what I think Viktor’s got going on, and why I don’t really trust if a non-autistic person headcanons him as autistic. There’s a lot of room for that headcanon to just reinforce the “autistic people are supergeniuses with no emotions that work based off of Facts and Logic” trope, and I hate that.) Since a lot of autism is about feeling adrift from/at odds with neurotypical society, I think that Viktor’s general solutions and also his idealistic leanings in the face of everything Zaun is tracks for that. Roboticization makes sense as a way to stop suffering and death, because it’s more achievable than individual feats of immortality through magic or whatever. Viktor doesn’t really get why people would be so opposed to it - he’s made it clear that while he dislikes his own emotions and wants them gone, he doesn’t expect others to cast off theirs. (Maybe he expected that when he was in the thick of his emotional pain, mostly because he couldn’t imagine others choosing differently than he at the time, but not in the current day.)

Of course, externally, when the scary cyborg man who admits to cutting off his own limbs says “no, being a robot is cool, you can keep your emotions even”, any Zaunite (or any person) is going to interpret that as “he is definitely lying”. Viktor doesn’t quite make that leap. (I have thoughts on the whole Theory of Mind concept and I don’t mean to say that Viktor can’t empathize - he does, and does too much - with others, but I think that in this instance he just can’t quite understand sometimes why people don’t believe him.) He also doesn’t quite get why people would be so attached to the bodies that they’re currently in, especially if he can make a mechanical replica. Or why people might want to die and pass into non-existence after a life well lived. (To him, personally, there’s always more to do. Also he’s terrified of death but that’s another topic.)

I also think that Viktor’s empathy is of the hyper- rather than hypo- kind, partially because I feel like outside of self-advocacy groups the mere concept of autistic hyperempathy is seen as like... impossible? It’s also because he generally seems to be kind of an emotional guy in canon before Stanwick, what with the lore saying that “almost no trace of the original man remained” in reference to Viktor reemerging as someone without emotions. That, combined with the fact that he was described as having a “hope to better society” before everything went down, kind of makes me believe that he was a naive idealist type. (Again, not that autism makes you naive, but...) But yes, hyperempathy. Hence "no pain, no wars, no suffering, no death” being part of his ideology for the Glorious Evolution. He gets pretty ripped up about people being hurt, and it’s really only gotten worse over the years as he’s grasped the full scope of pain in the world.

Personally, I write pre-Stanwick-incident Viktor as someone who is still somewhat awkward with expressing emotion, but it’s not due to him not having them. It’s due to the fact that the ways in which he naturally expressed them and in which he interacted with the world were just... seen as odd/different/etc. (I don’t think Runeterra has an autism diagnosis or particularly excellent psychology, even in Piltover and Zaun, so he just gets the “you’re a weird dude” treatment for his entire life.) Stimming or smiling a certain way or talking a lot about his interests or, you know, the general autistic existence is weird to most people around him, as it unfortunately is in real life. So he’s more reserved until you actually know him, because he’s just masking all the time. (Fun fact about my Viktor: he’s pretty expressive under that actual mask of his. It helps to not have to micromanage expressions all the time when he isn’t experiencing a bout of flat affect due to [gestures vaguely at everything else going on with his mental state], although he sometimes feels poorly about not being able to manage himself. But that’s his issues, and I think it’s good for him to show emotion.)

Side note - Stanwick was able to do such a number on Viktor due to: a) Stanwick being very charismatic and manipulative, on top of being an actually smart man and scientist - he’s really a great example of a “good Zaunite”, in the sense of being good at being what the culture rewards, b) Viktor actively dealing with the death of his parents and Stanwick being an older adult who’d treated him kindly and had never seemed put-off by Viktor’s oddities, and c) Viktor not realizing that he’d get backstabbed, because yes he knows that that happens in academia but Stanwick’s nice. Whether or not the outcomes would have been the same if Viktor were more competent at being “a good Zaunite”... well, probably not. Viktor ended up where he did because of who he is.

(Secondary side note: Viktor has a very strong and very black-and-white sense of what’s right and wrong, as well as general black-and-white thinking. You can see how that would have... not helped in the situations he was put through.)

This is getting kind of rambling, but I guess the point of this is that Viktor’s wanting to remove his emotions may be cloaked in the language of them being “inefficient” or “unhelpful”, which would feed into autistic stereotypes, but it’s really more of a matter of them being too painful and raw for him to process. He feels too much and hurts too much, and no amount of positive emotions in the world will (in his mind) make up for the pain he’s felt and will feel. So it’s better to not feel anything at all, isn’t it? At least then you aren’t overwhelmed by it all.

Viktor just hasn’t fit in with Zaun for all his life, really. Not as an odd child who can tell you all about science-fiction and techmaturgy, not as an odd and reserved teenager/young adult, not as a bright young doctoral student still dealing with grief but trying to make the best of it, and... not as the Machine Herald. But now he’s given up on trying to fit in, for better or for worse.

(Other miscellaneous and less serious autistic thoughts on him: generally a pretty fixed diet, partially due to being autistic but also due to what’s easily available in Zaun + what agrees with his stomach. A fan of weight and pressure - I like to think that the reason his outfit is like that is that he finds it comforting, and also that he has a weighted blanket or two around. Special interests of general techmaturgy, robotics, and science-fiction. He can talk for hours about any of those, and has. Both his parents were mildly spectrum-y, his mother a little bit moreso, so they just kinda assumed that him being him was out-of-the-ordinary and a bit strange but not something “horribly wrong”. Oh! And his third arm, which is under a little less conscious control than the rest of him, still stims sometimes when he’s working or otherwise not paying attention to it.)

This was very long and jumped around a lot, because I find it hard to give a convincing paragraph-by-paragraph argument about exactly why I think that Viktor is autistic, or rather why I headcanon him as such. But hopefully it was interesting! I just have a lot of thoughts on him, as well as the general state of autistic-coded or perceived-as-autistic-by-individuals (both allistic and autistic) characters in media and so it’s very hard to do anything concise without branching out into discussing other topics.

#anonymous #headcanons | beneath the mask #//preemptive remark that these are my own thoughts on autism which are filtered through the lens of my life experiences #//as well as that of some aspects (emphasis on some) of academic research. baron-cohen can choke with his theories #//also i did not explain some terms here under the assumption that those reading would probably already know them. feel free to ask if not!

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murdereraisuha · 3 years

Text

Final Chapter 5 Reflection

This will have my personal opinion/thoughts on:

The VDC outcome, Rook’s actions, and what could’ve made it better

The Rook reveal and Neige

Kalim, Jamil, and Epel’s development

The Grim scene

Total word count: 2134 words

--- 1 ---

So, RSA won the VDC. My feelings on this are mixed.

Looking at it in relation to the whole plot of TWST, it makes sense. It moves the chance for NRC to finally beat RSA to the upcoming magift tournament, which gives NRC’s potential victory a large amount of excitement/importance which it wouldn’t get from this middle of the year championship.

Furthermore, Rook’s actions do make sense based on his personality. If Vil really didn’t believe that he himself was beautiful, Rook of course would vote for the team that exhibited pure joy in their performance and therefore exhibited a heartfelt beauty. It would be a lie to vote for NRC, and it would disgrace both Rook and Vil. Rook’s actions plot wise also lead to the discussion about Vil valuing himself vs seeking value from others, which I think is a crucial thing for Vil to remember. While trying to gain recognition for hard work is good, and Vil certainly does deserve recognition, it’s much more important to maintain a good perception of yourself even when things happen or people wrongfully say things that might tear down your self-esteem

However, I still have issues with how this played out in relation to the plot of chapter 5. It’s unrealistic for all of Vil’s misgivings about himself to get fixed through the power of friendship and beating each other up. But, still, the team went through a lot in order to get to the championship united and ready to perform. It feels like a slap in the face for them to lose after all that. Especially the scene with Kalim and Epel crying while Ya Hoo cheerfully plays in the background, it's so comically dissonant. Though we already got an explanation from Vil about how Neige’s performance appeals to viewers, I was still shocked. At least it was a close competition rather than a crushing defeat.

Also, while Rook’s message was sound, the timing was rather bad. Vil and the rest of the team just had a massive battle and then went through a whole song & dance performance without major blunders while still injured. Focusing on Vil’s self-esteem there makes it seem like Rook is just brushing all that determination and effort away. Though Vil doesn’t seem to truly hold it against Rook since he offers the handkerchief back to Rook when he cries, the situation still feels off.

In conclusion, I think that the plot events made sense. However, the execution of them could have been improved. As is, it’s hard to understand Rook’s motivations in this part due to the ridiculousness of RSA’s kid’s song winning. To fix that without just completely overhauling the plot, I believe that the admirable qualities of Neige and the dwarves should have been shown more clearly. For example, while the Pomefiore CM shows a glimpse of their bond, that’s nonexistent in the game. I think that incorporating that into the game (ex. a short scene of Neige reassuring the dwarves that their performance will go well before they step on stage) would help people understand Rook’s point of view better by showing instead of just telling us about the belief Neige has in his friends..

Moreover, alongside better reasons for why Rook choose RSA, I think it should be clearer why he did not choose NRC. It seems an attempt at warning of the “betrayal” was done with Vil menacingly saying he’ll win the VDC during the voting, followed by the shot of Rook just going “........”. To make this less sudden, I think I would change episode 66. Though that episode has Vil saying that he’s ugly, because the team contradicts him and keeps him as the leader it makes it seem like the problem is solved there. Therefore, to better lead to Rook’s speech, I would change episode 66 to have Vil show more hesitation and signs that he still doesn’t believe in himself.

--- 2 ---

Anyway, on to the reveal about Rook. I wasn’t sure what to think about the name slip up during the previous part, but I just guessed that maybe they’d met before and that meeting is related to RSA and Rook having light magic. Nope, we get Neige simp Rook. I think this reveal was really surprising, but more in a funny way than a “ruins Rook’s character” way. It’s nice to see Rook seriously caught off guard by Neige just nonchalantly exposing him in front of everyone, and everyone’s reactions were extremely funny.

I think that the chapter did a decent job of making it clear that Rook’s relationship with Neige as a fan of him is vastly different from Rook’s calm admiration of and friendship with Vil. I’m kind of curious now about how and when Rook became a fan though. Him being the 2nd member of the fan club implies that Rook found Neige when Neige still hadn’t gotten much fame yet.

I loved everyone’s Ya Hoo too. Ace and Jamil having level 0 enthusiam, Kalim and Rook having level 1000 enthusiasm, Deuce being startled but slowly getting into it but still being kind of eh, Epel just keeping that wide-eyed confused expression the whole time. ボーテ、１００点. For Vil, I understand that he was probably faking his big smile for the benefit of the audience. However, I still hope his opinion of Neige has improved somewhat or will improve. Neige telling Vil that he’s still number one in the eyes of the people who voted for him was really sweet and their interactions with each other are pretty cute/funny when Vil isn’t trying to murder him.

Unlike other minor characters like Chenya and Farena who either weren’t involved in the plot or were only involved as backstory, Neige is Vil’s present rival and motivation for doing the stuff he does and over blotting. With such a large presence that continued all throughout the chapter and the Rook reveal, it would seem strange for Neige to suddenly drop out of existence come chapter 6.

Therefore, assuming that the Grim situation doesn’t derail the current patterns we’ve seen in the story, I think that Neige will be included as part of the Pomefiore involvement in chapter 6. Of course, it could be something small like getting called in for a favor near the end or just mentions of Rook continuing to write him fan letters. However, I’m hoping it’s something larger. From my analysis of the previous part:

Vil’s team’s performance had a lot of cohesion and rehearsal put into it, but it was very competitive focused. On the other hand, Neige and the dwarves obviously had a lot of fun with their performance. However, it was clumsy and they were ill prepared. Therefore, Vil could teach Neige more discipline and planning while Neige could teach Vil about how to not lose sight of finding joy in your work.

Now that we have confirmation that Neige is a genuinely nice guy, I really want Vil & Neige friendship to happen, or for them to at least be on good terms with each other. It might just be my personal love for relationships where one person tries to be all rival-y but then the other is like “nope, I’m going to friend you whether you like it or not,” but I think this sort of development in the story of TWST would be really enjoyable to watch.

--- 3 ---

For the performance of Absolutely Beautiful, I love that Jamil got to be in the center for a bit. However, that also just makes me more disappointed that we didn’t get more Scarabia or anything about how their families are watching this. With the stuff in 5-30 and 5-34 focusing on Kalim’s perspective on things and his relationship with Jamil, I thought that at some point we would get a final scene focusing on them and how they’ve developed since chapter 4. What we got with Jamil swooping in to the rescue with the magic carpet then talking about how he could sense that Kalim was about to do something stupid was better than nothing, but idk. I just love the writing and complexity these two have gotten and I wanted that to continue to the end. I still have hope though! If we can get a thing about Leona noticing the traces of magic in the arena, then we can get future appearances from the Scarabia boys too!... please...

Now, for Epel, I also have mixed feelings about his development throughout the chapter. I absolutely loved the beach scene with Deuce and Epel, it was so cute and I liked Epel realizing the power of beauty because of the apple juice Magicam post. However, I think the narrative missed something important. Though Epel’s views had a lot of improvement to be made, Vil’s treatment of him was also terrible and should have been addressed. I believe Vil saying that “throwing a tantrum and taking it out on others was terrible of him” in episode 66 implies that he’s realized that all his actions, not just the overblot, were wrong. However, it’s not clear enough that that was the intention. Vil does not apologize specifically for how he attempted to force Epel to conform to his own beliefs. Though there’s always chapter 6, it still doesn’t seem like the story will ever really address this issue, which is a shame to say the least.

Furthermore, in this final part, Epel offering to take the center position was really good and showed how much he’s grown since the beginning of the chapter. However, it still didn’t bring the whole “poison apple” thing to fruition. Absolutely no one made any comment on his cuteness or how it might rival Neige’s cuteness. Did they plan something with that but scraped it? Like, this is way too little pay off for such a focus on Vil shaping Epel into a way to best Neige. My disappointment with this ending might have to do with these past 3 main story updates being the only ones I’ve been in this fandom for, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Whatever the cause of my disappointment may be, my disappointment still does exist.

--- 4 ---

To top off this roller coaster of a chapter and end this reflection with a more neutral analysis, we have the stuff with Mickey and Grim. Mickey seems really nice, I’m glad that Yuu seems to have made an ally in him. We certainly need one after whatever the hell just happened with Grim. I really have to give props for how unsettling both Grim’s appearance and the sounds during that scene were.

Though we’re obviously getting close to the endgame, the Ignihyde sneak peak that we got seems pretty normal and related to their personal problems rather than the plot. Though it would be interesting for a big change to happen like Yuu being out of commission for the chapter, I think it’s more likely that Yuu will be rescued, Grim just goes missing, then we don’t get much more info on that whole thing until the end of chapter 6 leading into chapter 7.

Anyway, for the scene itself I understand if it just because silent protagonist, don’t want to make them talk/do too much, but it feels kind of weird that there wasn’t really any indication of a struggle? Just standing there, staring at Grim, getting clawed, then black out. Nothing to indicate trying to step back. There was some weird clopping??? sound after he attacked but since the camera didn’t move that wasn’t Yuu collapsing.

Also, it might just be supposed to be “Grim’s laugh but creepy,” but his ケヒッ、ケヒヒッ laughter sounds unusually distinctive? Idk, I just had the thought that it could be in reference to some other disney character with a similar laugh but idk who that would be since I’m not big into disney movies.

Right before he attacks, Grim also shouts “this is my stone!!!” Firstly, assuming that this stone is the same small size as the others, shouldn’t he already be done eating it? Yuu’s not exactly gonna stick their hand down his throat to retrieve it. So what stone is he talking about?

Well, we know that the magic crystal on the magic pens is supposed to collect blot so that it doesn’t built up inside someone, right? Blot accumulated from outright eating it instead of blot accumulated from casting magic is probably different, but what if some of the blot from the black stones did get gathered up by Grim’s crystal on his collar? We know how crazed he has been getting about the black stones. Is it so much of a stretch to think that he might be trying for more? That he might be trying to create instead of just find?

How would a black magic crystal taste?

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst spoilers #vil schoenheit #rook hunt #neige leblanche #twst theories #twst grim #update screaming

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prinxlyart · 4 years

Note

No prob! Even if its just moral I love to support the artists I follow! And I will👍! Now I only have one(two maybe) question left for your Willumity AU: Who would propose first and who would they do it? (And if you allow Boscha to redeem herself in this, what relationship would she have with them?) Take care!

Oof this is a toughie. Hmmmmmmmmm........ I mean, lots of shenanigans would ensue, for sure for sure for sure, but what kind of shenanigans.....

[warning: this is like. Hella long y’all. I’m talking like, super deep dive into Boscha redemption territory. I’m not even kidding, it’s taken me all weekend to write this because there’s so much. I don’t even get into proposals...You’ve been warned]

Okay so!

Boscha sees all the girls have gotten together into one big relationship and is sort of knocked back on her ass. Amity? In a romantic relationship with Half-A-Witch and the Human????? What the fuck happened to that girl?! She’s been at a loss for how to even interact with them ever since a rumor had spread that Luz had gone toe-to-toe with the Emperor. Boscha wasn’t sure she believed that before, but watching her supposed friend of more than half a decade just drop her like she was nothing to go all soft over this human? Maybe Luz did do something impressive enough to garner Amity’s attention.

She would rather die than admit out loud (or even to herself) that she had a crush on Amity. It hurt her so much more than she realized when Amity stopped hanging out with her and it was just driving a stake through her heart when Amity defended them and joined their Grudgby team for that stupid challenge. It took her weeks following that whole fiasco to even look at Amity, let alone talk about her with the rest of her friend group, that by the time she thought she was over it, she looked up and saw her blushing and linking arms with both girls she’d played against Boscha with. Boscha may have broken her locker than day. She refused to say why.

If I’m following all of my narrative speculation threads, I think Skara pulls her aside one day and tells her she needs to calm tf down. Luz and Willow are chill as hell and they don’t deserve the vicious death glares Boscha’s been sending them. I think that’s the final nail in the coffin for Boscha. Her other supposed best friend is turning on her too?? But she isn’t??? Boscha’s head and heart are so confused by all this that she just skips the next day of school. I think she spends the day in the (newly-rebuilt) Treasure Shack just staring at the ceiling and tossing a hackey sack into the air while she blasts music that she doesn’t hear because she’s so deep in her own thoughts. Skara would find her immediately after school let’s out. There’s only one place Boscha would be if she skipped class for a day. Before any of the other teens make their way to the Treasure Shack, they leave so they can talk somewhere more private.

I think they spend a really long time hashing out Boscha’s thoughts and feelings. Skara even feels brave enough to bring up why they’re always so mean to others. There are other ways to prove how awesome you are without actively putting others down. In fact, putting others down to be on top is almost like cheating; you’re not actually proving you’re the best if you’re hindering your competition. Skara knows how awesome and amazing Boscha is and can be, but they spend their time just being mean to everyone else rather than actually showing off their talents. She also mentions how scary powerful Willow actually is and confirms the rumors about Luz taking on the Emperor and living to tell the tale so it’s not like they have no magical ability. Amity might just be rolling with the new most powerful witches at Hexside. Dating them even. And have you seen that illusion track kid in action?? He created some complex illusions during their Grudgby match and that was for funsies. They’re a severely powerful group. And they’re liked by everyone because they’re so kind. They’re revered by their classmates for being so powerful and so nice at the same time, meanwhile they just fear Boscha. They don’t think she’s all that great, but she is powerful enough to kill them if need be, so they just stay out of her way. Boscha hates everything Skara points out but doesn’t deny any of it.

Skara admits she’s been talking with Willow a lot about all of this; she’s definitely apologized for the bullying she’s done in the past and Willow actually accepted it which surprises Boscha. A lot of her insight is a mix of hashing shit out with Willow in the Greenhouse after school and some self reflection at home, but that’s why they all hang out together now. Oh, and she and Amity had a sleepover relatively recently where they decided to start their friendship over. Now they’re actually friends and can say so with a smile because it’s true and it’s not just to appease their parents.

Boscha never thought she’d do this in her life but she just bites the inside of her cheek and does it anyway: she asks Skara for advice. All Skara knows to suggest confidently is to think about how she treats everyone and how that can be changed. She also tells her to think about what she actually wants. Does she want to be the school bully? Or does she actually want to be friends with Amity again? Does she maybe want to find out how cool Luz and Willow are? They’re definitely all a package deal by now and it might be hard to be friends with Amity again after how horribly they’d treated Willow over the years. Boscha spends the entire weekend thinking over everything she talked about with Skara.

The following school week, Boscha is having a hard time getting Willow alone. At least one of her girlfriends is always by her side by the time she can find her between classes. It’s not until after school that Boscha manages to beat both Luz and Amity to the Greenhouse to ask Willow if they can talk. Willow is wary at first, but sees that Boscha has a weird look to her that sets aside and fears of Boscha attempting to pick on her. She noticed that Boscha has barely even looked at her in weeks. So she agrees and they find an empty classroom to talk in privately (Willow lets Amity and Luz know that she’s busy and will meet them later). Willow waits expectantly for Boscha to threaten her or yell at her or whatever else and is shocked (and maybe even scared?) when Boscha finally blurts out her apology. She lets Boscha just ramble her apologies for a while and watches her fumble over her words and her face turn a little red and genuinely doesn’t know how to react. Has the world turned upside down? Is it Opposite Day? Is this some kind of elaborate prank? The tears in Boscha’s eyes suggest that it’s not. Eventually Willow stops her and they just sit in silence for a minute while Willow kind of turns it all over in her head. Boscha’s freaking out because Willow is just standing there watching her and she feels like she’s a bug under a magnifying glass. I think Willow truly doesn’t know what to say and just kinda sighs and picks up her bag to get ready to leave and tells Boscha she just needs to think about everything she said. Because she can’t forgive her, not for the years of ceaseless bullying, but she needs to think about whether or not she’ll even accept her apology. Boscha just kinda nods numbly and Willow leaves and Boscha just sorta melts into the floor from exhaustion and frayed nerves.

I think Willow would ask Skara first about what she thinks of Boscha’s apology; they’re still friends after all, even though Skara’s been hanging out with them more often. Skara’s blown away because she didn’t think the talk they had just the previous Friday afternoon would lead to all that. So now Willow knows the apology is real. She’ll tell her girlfriends next because they’re also directly affected by this and they are also both shell-shocked. Amity is unsure of everything simply because she’s witnessed Boscha’s behavior first-hand for years and this just doesn’t sound like her (Luz agrees, oddly quietly), but Willow confirmed with Skara that it was a real apology. That that was why Boscha wasn’t at school on Friday. I think they’re all at the Owl House while they have this conversation so Eda and Lilith both overhear and throw their two snails in; Eda knows from experience that sometimes bullies are only bullies because they’ve been raised that way. She had some school friends that were pretty nasty before realizing just how nasty they were after the kids they were bullying got into some serious trouble. Lilith confirms the stories and also throws in that, based on her own experience, she may be doing all the wrong things with what she thinks are the right intentions. This gives all three of them something to think about for the rest of the night.

I’d say it takes them roughly the rest of the week to really come to a conclusion. The entire time, Boscha is begging Skara for any updates but Skara isn’t in on that loop. So in the meantime, she asks Skara for help in fixing her behavior during their free time. Boscha came to the conclusion on her own that she doesn’t actually want to be a bully, she just wants to feel acknowledged for her efforts. Skara reprimands her for falling back on bullying tactics when things don’t go the way Boscha wants them to. Their other friends in their friend group pick up on this and are 100% on board with helping Boscha be a better person. They were all too scared to disrupt the flow that they had to call her out before, but now that Boscha’s actually trying to be better?? They’re all in to help her. I don’t think Boscha’s ever felt this kind of support before. Her whole life she’s had friends to back her up when she tooted her own horn, her pack to intimidate by numbers. But now they’re actually wanting to help her? They’re not just sticking around so they themselves don’t become ostracized? Boscha’s never really experienced that before and it makes her feel warm inside. At first she thinks she’s sick but Bo (I think her name is Bo; the light-skinned healing track girl with the freckles that taught Skara that fire-to-ice spell) runs a quick diagnosing spell over her and let’s her know that no, she’s not sick, she’s just experiencing happiness for once. Everyone else laughs, even Boscha after a moment because holy shit, she’s actually happy.

Over the course of that week, our main trio is quietly watching Boscha’s metamorphosis from the sidelines. They’re all confused at first; she really is trying to change? Luz is the first one to get excited though. It’s just like one of her favorite character tropes: bully learns to be nice and is better for it (and maybe falls in love with the person they’ve been bullying). Willow scoffs at that, but she does admit that it’s reassuring to see Boscha actually making the effort. In public too, she’s not trying to hide the fact that she wants to change. Luz, being in all the tracks at Hexside, gets the chance to actually talk to each of the girls in Boscha’s friend group about the whole situation and gets some pretty solid evidence that yes, Boscha’s really making that effort. She reports as much back to her girlfriends and by the time the week ends, Willow’s the one tracking down Boscha by the Potions Hall to take her aside for a chat.

Boscha is scared shitless when Willow asks to talk to her for the first time since Monday but obliges and they find a private place to talk. Willow lets her know that she’s ready to accept her apology and Boscha nearly bursts into tears in relief. She knows that it isn’t forgiveness, but Willow is accepting the fact that she’s trying to change and she is sorry for her past actions. Willow fills her in on all the various (drama? Lack of drama?) chatter about her trying so hard to be nicer from Boscha’s friend group that Boscha actually does start crying at that. She’s so relieved that her friends aren’t doing this as some kind of payback; that they’re actually supporting her with no ulterior motives. They’d have every reason and right to, but they aren’t and Boscha is so relieved to hear as much. Willow doesn’t know if she should try to comfort her or what so they both kind of stand there awkwardly for a minute while Boscha wipes the tears from her face. She thanks Willow for accepting her apology and vows to her (maybe a little too dramatically; it actually makes Willow want to laugh because it reminds her so much of Luz) that she will be a better witch. Not just a better witch to her and her friends, but to everyone. When they part ways for the weekend, they’re both buzzing with giddiness. Boscha, because Willow finally accepted her apology and knew that this was a huge first step in her road to being a better witch. Willow because she knows for certain that Boscha’s giving this her all; and maybe they could even become friends. Skara and Amity did a do-over on their friendship, maybe Boscha’s hoping to do the same.

Shockingly, Boscha actually goes to Luz next by sitting next to her during their shared potions class the following week. She slides her a note asking to speak with her outside of class to which Luz agrees (with a silly doodle of a winky face and a thumbs up that makes Boscha nearly giggle). Boscha apologizes to Luz next for her behavior towards her and much to Boscha’s surprise, Luz not only accepts her apology, but forgives her too. Boscha didn’t even expect that. Luz explains that she hasn’t been on the Boiling Isles long enough to be really affected by Boscha’s past bullying, not like her girlfriends. And she’s super grateful and proud of Boscha for reaching out to Willow first and actually going to the lengths she’s been going to to be a better person. Boscha, not used to praise that she wasn’t fishing for, just blushes and nods. Luz sort of coos at her and comments on how cute she looks when she blushes which only makes her blush harder and start threatening Luz with empty promises of violence if she doesn’t shut up. Luz starts running away, cackling, and calls out to her as she’s leaving that she hopes they can be friends some day soon. Boscha silently agrees and goes home with a goofy smile that won’t leave her face no matter how hard she tries because Luz called her cute. She shoves that thought aside for the time being, just grateful that Luz was so quick to forgive her.

Finally, she approaches Amity. Or rather, she leaves a note in her locker because the Abomination Hall and the Potions Hall are nowhere near each other. At this point, Amity is on the fence about what she wants to do because on the one hand, she was never truly friends with Boscha and she’s not sure if she wants to be. On the other hand, she’s been watching Boscha change over the last week and a half and is actually surprised at how hard she’s working at it. She isn’t surprised by how hard she’s working; Boscha always gives 110% into anything she does, she’s just surprised that she’s working at being nice at all. But between Willow telling them how their chat went on Friday and Luz telling them about their talk on Monday (and Luz mentioning how cute Boscha was when she was red and sputtering her empty threats), she’s at least willing to hear her out. So she stands there and waits for Boscha to start and is actually kind of surprised to see Boscha’s already so pink she’s almost the same shade as her own hair. I think she’s silently patient out of shock more so than any amount of politeness. She’s never seen Boscha....flustered????? Luz was right, it is kind of cute, but now isn’t the time for that.

Boscha kept her conversation with Amity for last because she knew it was the hardest one to have. She had been pushing it aside for the last few weeks now; although she’s finally admitted to herself that she (has/had?) a crush on her. By the time they make it somewhere private, Boscha’s so nervous that she’s almost shaking. And Amity is just standing there, watching her, and saying nothing. That is until Boscha nearly starts crying and Amity finally breaks, if only due to concern. They may not have ever been real friends, but neither of them were heartless either. Amity manages to coax some words out of Boscha through her thick tears and once the words start, they don’t stop. Boscha didn’t mean to admit her crush on Amity to her face, but that sort of slipped out with all her other apologies and explanations. Amity desperately wishes Luz or Willow were there with her because they are so much better at emotional shit than Amity is. Amity does flush when she hears Boscha confess her crush on her and doesn’t really know what to say to that. Boscha had a crush on her? This whole time? She had a crush on the Amity from before she met Luz???? Amity considered herself an entirely different person from who she was before she met Luz. To think that Boscha’s quietly been harboring feelings for her all that time? Even before that time?? It’s flattering to say the least, but she definitely has mixed feelings about it. She didn’t like who she was before she met Luz. It’s hard to imagine someone else liking her.

Their conversation takes a long time to really hash out. They have a long history to sort out; sorting out Boscha’s feelings and identifying instances where they were horrible to other witches and how it wasn’t okay. There’s so many things that need to be figured out between the two of them. I think Boscha remembers what Skara had done and offers they have a sleepover to really try to start their friendship over. But I don’t think Amity is actually comfortable with that yet. Not due to Boscha’s crush on her or anything, just because it’s a different situation than it was with Skara. There would be a lot more to cover than just learning about what sort of music the other likes. And Boscha is definitely crushed on the inside, but just accepts it because she knows it’s a lot. I think after a while they both leave with the promise that they’ll continue this conversation later; Amity just needs to consult her girls first. She really doesn’t know how to handle all this and needs to just kinda decompress with her girlfriends and sort out all of her thoughts. Boscha agrees; they both have each other’s scroll contacts still, so they can reach out to each other whenever they’re ready to continue that conversation.

I think Willow and Luz would find it adorable that Boscha has/had a crush on Amity (which only makes Amity blush and chide them for not focusing on the subject at hand). Luz is super excited about Boscha trying to make amends all over the place. She’s even watched her between classes go out of her way to apologize to others too, so it’s not just them she’s trying to make amends with. Boscha always has one of her friends with her when she does this, but mostly as support or to remind her to not use bullying tactics or words when she’s trying to apologize. There’s been a low buzz of rumors going on about it too, Boscha’s strange change of heart has captured the attention of most students. Amity still isn’t sure how to feel about the whole situation though. There’s less to apologize for between them and more just explaining themselves. Why they never held each other accountable for their shitty behavior, why Amity seemed to just tolerate Boscha’s existence while Boscha silently harbored a crush on her; there was less in terms of wrong doings between the two of them and more just laying their cards on the table. I think Luz would be the one to suggest she go through with the slumber party, but maybe also have Skara join them as a sort of mediator. Willow is also hesitant; she doesn’t want to encourage her girlfriend to venture into something that makes her so uncomfortable, but she agrees with Luz that they need to clear the air between them. She admits that having Skara there would actually help a lot with that; Skara seeking Willow out on her own terms to apologize to Willow and talking with her so openly gave Willow more than enough reason to trust her with Amity’s feelings, especially after they reconciled their own friendship.

I actually don’t know what sort of history those girls have, but I’ve actually been in Amity’s place before. I’ve tolerated the existence of a person who developed a crush on me and it was....awkward at best. This person didn’t try to be a better person in the time that I knew them though. They just kept making excuses for their shitty behavior, so I’m genuinely not sure how this would all play out. I think having Skara join them for this weekend-long feelings jam certainly helps things along; she knows when to push them to tell the truth and when to sit back and let them take their time. I think by the coming school week (we’re what, in week 3 of Boscha’s redemption arc by now??? Almost a whole month of this emotional vulnerability??? How exhausting), they do manage to find a stable ground to start rebuilding their friendship. It takes a while, and I think Boscha’s nervous about it at first, mostly due to Willow’s near-constant presence around Amity, but Luz’s just. Sheer determination to befriend Boscha and integrate her into their ever-growing friend group both encourages Boscha and softens Willow’s stiffness in her presence.

Oofa doofa, I don’t even know how long it would take before any of them truly catch feelings RE: Boscha. I think Luz picks up on Boscha’s nervousness around Willow first and teases Boscha about it when they’re alone. And Willow and Amity do agree, Boscha is very cute when she blushes hard enough to match the color of her hair. It’s also fun to watch her freak out and turn into just one big pink blob hissing obscenities at a cackling Luz. I think Luz might get caught up in her fiction character tropes a little too much before she realizes she’s not taking Willow’s feelings into account (not so much that it causes damage; they’ve probably been dating for months now by this time). Luz would have to ask Willow how she felt about Boscha overall and Willow I think....would be unsure for a very long time. I think eventually, long after Boscha’s been fully integrated into their friend group and she’s actually seen who Boscha is when she’s a good friend and not a bully, does Willow begin to feel the inklings of feelings sneaking into her heart. Amity is in a similar boat as Willow, but neither make their feelings known for quite some time. They’re happy with their little triad relationship; they’re not sure what it would mean to include Boscha when they were still so unsure of their feelings.

Luz is so full of love she literally radiates it and it’s contagious. I don’t even thunk she realizes she’s developed a fondness for Boscha until several months after they’ve become friends. Besides, she’s far too busy teasing Boscha about her crush on Willow and Amity to realize how much Boscha also seems to blush around her. I don’t think she gets it until one day Boscha just shoves something in her hands and stalks off to class and when Luz looks at what she gave her, she just kinda gasps. Because Boscha definitely gave her a note that just reads “I like you too, you idiot”. Luz just runs to Willow and Amity and shows them the note and they all three call an emergency girlfriend meeting to sort out what exactly they want to do about this whole situation. Polyamory is hard because it requires so much mindfulness of everyone involved. But they all manage to admit that they’ve been harboring some softer feelings for Boscha and decide to test those waters. And maybe have a little fun with those tests as they do so. They maaaaayybbeee make it a competition to see who can make Boscha blush the hardest. They can all be quite competitive.

Boscha suddenly finds herself at the center of a Willumity Flirt-Off that she was NOT prepared for and doesn’t know how to handle it. All three of them are suddenly winking at her when she catches them looking at her, or maybe sitting way too close at lunch, or even just complimenting her when she doesn’t expect it and she nearly passes out from the attention. I think there’s a moment when she actually walks into a door when the girls realize they’re maybe taking this too far and apologize to Boscha before asking her if she wants to try being in their relationship with them. And I think Boscha does pass out at that.

I think it’s a tough adjustment period for them all. Balancing the four of them takes a lot time and fine-tuning to get it right. Boscha’s still just bewildered that she’s come so far with each of them enough to actually be in a relationship with each of them equally. There’s definitely some jealousy here and there, some old fears of being left behind cropping up, but all of those worries are thoroughly stamped out once they’re addressed. I think they all try very hard to get this to work and they do make it work. Boscha forever considers it the most dramatic year of her life.

I literally cannot even begin to get into proposals this is far too long already but thank you so much for sticking around if you’ve made it this far!!!!! This one in particular got hella long because there were so many moving parts @-@

I’ll be the first to admit: I’ve never been in a polyamorous relationship myself (I’ve never had any polyamorous partners before ;v;). I do know how important communication and establishing individual relationships can be though. It’s always so important to make sure that you and your partners are on the same page before doing anything that can dramatically affect your relationship. Consulting individuals within the relationship is also important. Just because you’re in a group doesn’t mean your relationship with each individual is any less important.

Ngl, this was also kind of hard for me to write because I truly don’t know what Boscha’s like when she’s not a bully. We haven’t seen that much of her character outside of her being a bully that thrives on fear and praise. She could very well be just as much an over dramatic dork as Luz. I don’t even think she knows; she’s been a bully her whole life. What is your personality like when you realize you don’t have to be a bully??? Idk, but that’s why this took me all weekend to write; I really don’t know how Boscha is outside of being a bully. Hopefully we get to see who she is in season 2!!!!!

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code-otome-game · 3 years

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Completed otome games, my thoughts, along with my fav characters (last updated: August 22nd 2021)

1. Code Realize - August 2021

Saint-Germain instantly caught my eye, along with Lupin ofc. I was curious about Impey but my friend who lent me her collection of otome games said he was shit. Code Realize was my reintroduction to otome games, and plummeted me into otome hell once more. As soon as I saw Herlock Sholmes, I wanted him as a route, and loved his Future Blessings route.

Saint Germain was my absolute favourite, and his route hurt me in all the right ways. His VA was amazing at conveying the emotion behind certain scenes.

2. Café Enchanté - August 2021

After completing Code Realize, I felt a little lost and didn't know what game to play next. I figured after the pain of some of the stuff in Code Realize, I'd go for something I thought would be a little more fun and a little lighter. Cafe Enchante was next on my list. I was instantly drawn to Misyr and Il, with Il being my first route. I absolutely loved Il, and was traumatized from having my fav boy be the one who was hurt the most again. Although, Misyr is definitely a top contender for most hurt fav as well...

3. Piofiore - August 2021

I continued on with Piofiore right after Cafe Enchante, and instantly knew I was interested in Dante and Yang. I went with Dante first, and was absolutely enamored by him. I was absolutely heartbroken to find out that I didn't get his best ending at first, and contemplated not playing the game for a while. But I decided against it and carried on, using a guide this time. I didn't think anyone else would surpass him in my mind, but boy was I wrong. I quickly fell in love with Yang once I started his route, and his route was the first to make me feel butterflies again in years since I played my last otome game.

However, after playing through all the routes and getting to the finale, I absolutely fell in love with Henri, and I'm honestly shocked that Nicola has left such an impression on me considering I didn't think much of him right after his route. Now it's hard *not* to think about him. But overall, I love all the men pretty equally. I'm super excited for 1926.

4. Collar x Malice - August 2021

I was definitely curious about this one and was tempted to start it multiple times when choosing which game to play next, however I put it off because I didn't like the protagonist being a cop.

The characters are honestly all super loveable, and I think I love them all a bit more equally then I do the Piofiore guys. I was surprised Saeki wasn't a route, until while I was playing Kei or Shiraishi's route when my friend spoiled he was Adonis' leader.

I fell in love with all the characters quite gradually through their stories, with the exception of Shiraishi. I knew he'd be the one I was the most curious and interested in. I was so excited when I finally unlocked his route, and I absolutely loved every single bit of the early half of it. His comments and interactions were hilarious, he was adorable *and* hot.... and he loves cats. What the hell more could I want from a guy? He makes me want to introduce him to my own cats and also makes me want to do mundane and sweet things with him just because he's so sweet and I love him.

I was absolutely heartbroken at his "best" ending, and thinking about his tragic ending hurts my heart. I legitimately only want the best for this man- I only want him to be happy and healthy and not confined to some stupid prison or Adonis...

It also feels strange, but I think I love him best *before* he got a little soft with the protagonist? His quick retorts and harsh comments were hilarious and I loved that so much about him, so I was a bit sad when he grew a bit soft later on.

At the time of writing these past 4 entries, CxM is the latest game I've played, so Shiraishi's story is still super fresh in my mind. I was as obsessed with most of the other men mentioned above as I am with him right now. I'm sure the following entries will contain more love-ramblings like this as I complete more games and add them to the list.

5. Amnesia: Memories - August/September 2021

Toma! Toma! Toma!!!

My first experience with ✨ the cage ✨. I went with Ikki at first, got his normal ending (thaT SHIT WAS SO SAD WTF ;-;) and then went back with a walkthrough for his good ending. But... his route was kinda underwhelming tbh. I liked it as I played it, but looking back now... it really was quite underwhelming. So was Shin's route, who I played after Toma. I was interested in who the culprit was, and was shocked with the reveal tbh. Buuut after playing Toma's route... it was understandable. Although I really wish that Shin's route had more affection in it... it felt more like a mystery with a little bit of romance rather then an otome game.

I played Toma's route after Ikki's, and omfg... Toma was truly an unexpected fav. Hated his good ending tho, idfk why you would be ok with just returning to normal after all of that... but whatever. I would willingly go in that cage I s2g. I LOVED his eyes too! When he gets dark and super possessive, those eyes are just... UGH. Yes please. ❤

I skipped the entirety of Kent's route because I really just don't give a fuck about him. Hes absolutely not my type. I felt bad skipping it, but... in the end I don't really care.

Ukyo was also an unexpected fav- I wad super curious about his route and suspected that all of the "interesting" and bad stuff that I had heard about would happen during his route buuuut... nope. Nothing of the sort. He was so damn sweet, but I will say that uh... insane side of him is kinda hot too. 👀 but omg, the fact that he's a photographer AND so damn dedicated to you and sweet is just... ugh. My heart. Ukyo and Toma definitely became my favs for this game, and I think this is the first time where my first route didn't end up being one of my favourites.

I love how sharp Toma is as well! That he knows so much about you and can easily find out things and such... but also- I really like how dedicated and caring Ukyo is. He's so protective and adorable! I really did feel bad for him during his route. I haven't gotten his normal ending yet, but the title of it is so fucking sad and I don't know if I even wanna go for it.

"Do you know Ukyo?"

6. Bustafellows - September 2021

Honestly, when I started playing Bustafellows I didnt expect to like many characters, if any at all. None of them were particularly appealing to me, at least visually... however, as I played the game, I was drawn to Shu and Mozu, as I found Shu to be the most attractive one of the bunch, and Mozu was interesting to me as a coroner. However, the first character I ended up with was... Crow. I was honestly a little surprised, but didn't care too much. I didn't know who I wanted to go with first, and honestly, as the common route progressed... I found myself liking Crow more.

Crow was the one I liked the least out of everyone, at least visually at first. I really didn't like his hair lmao. But as I read the common route, he really grew on me, and I couldn't help but be sweet to him, so ofc I ended up with his route first... and god, I really love him. He's so stupid and adorable. Like seriously.

I went with whoever the game would give me after Crow, and it gave me Helvetica. With Crow, I really loved his character, but didn't care much for his story. It was the opposite for Helvetica. I enjoyed his story a ton, but not his character. I then carried on with Shu, who I loved entirely. Both his character and story was really really good, and his bad ending... phew. Damn dude.

Mozu came after, and I honestly have mixed feelings about his route. I feel like there really needed to be more romance between him and the MC, but the end of his route where he finds his sister is.... oof. I literally went "thats rough buddy" in my head lmao. I felt so bad for him.

I liked Limbo a lot more then I thought I would as well! He was super adorable and sweet, and the story was pretty good too, so I really enjoyed his route. But overall, I believe Shu and Crow are my favs this time around. I can't believe I didn't like Mozu as much as I thought I would! But I feel like I would have liked him a shitton more if there was more to his route then there was.... smh.

Nightshade - September 2021

I almost immediately jumped right into Nightshade, although with doubts of enjoying it in my mind, as I wasnt in the mood for a historical japan setting. However! I loved the characters, and the story! By the end of it, I was thoroughly angry with the antagonists for hurting my BOYS like that...

The first one I went for was Kuroyuki, who I LOVED. I felt a little bit confused throughout his route, but I still quite enjoyed it. A sweet yandere. Babey boy. I love him.

Next was Chojiro, and oooohhhhh boy.... yeah. That was a little rough. BUT I feel like the story was very well suited for him!!! After that I went with Goemon, who was SO SWEET. For a moment, the "plot twist" had me, but then I realized there was no way he was wasn't trying to trick his old clan/the council.

Hanzo was second last, and definitely an unexpected fav! I didnt find him very attractive at first, but seeing him more and more throughout the routes had him growing on me. And I LOVED him! But... I don't like Ieyasu's treatment towards the end of the route; ordering Hanzo to kill the MC after making us thoroughly believe he was a kind man in every other route.... sigh. But I'm happy that he was able to take just the MC's sash instead of her head. I do like that he also told Hanzo to "go get a wife and come back" hehe.

GOD that scene in the cave with Hanzo where youre both naked... YES. And his hair when its wet!!! Hes so adorable AND hot at the same time???? I love Hanzo. Tbh, I love all of them.

Gekka was the last one I did, but I wish I reversed Hanzo/Gekka's positions. Cause I really, *really* didnt like ending on such a sad ending.... dear god. I really thought I got the bad end or something for a hot minute there. Then Gekka comes in! Ahhhh, honestly I didn't like him much at all at first which is why I saved him for last, but his route.... FUCK man. His route was heart wrenching. And he's so damn sweet. I still don't understand how/why he doesn't try to kill the MC in the other routes after the "protection" "curse" is lifted but whatever. Still, the ending... dear god. And all of their graves being dug up... the box of everyone's hair... jesus christ that was morbid. Even that made me mad. I didnt care much for the blonde haired kid who died first, but everyone else after that had such a good part to the story...but I wonder why Kuroyuki lived in every route?

Either way, Nightshade was a lot better then I thought it would be! I loved it!!! I honestly might go back soon and replay Kuroyuki's route now that I know whats going on and I know the characters.... also wanna replay Hanzo's route! Babey ❤

#masterpost

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