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#i have to teach myself on my own. ill probably make a lot of mistakes but thats okay

iris-sistibly · 20 days

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BAAAAAAAABES OMG!!!! EPISODE 10 IS GIVINGGGGG!!!

It's giving cuteness, it's giving love, it's giving ✨QUEEN✨ it's giving fucking satisfaction my loves!

📍Let's start off with some really funny scenes brought to you by Hong Mama, it's so freaking satisfying to see her get humbled over and over and over again! Her getting off of her high horse has been long overdue tbh, that scene when she finally got her salary after work, only for Baek Mama to deduct it for the coffee she paid for (her), God her face was priceless. Everyone say it with me, "DESERVE!" Perhaps Mama Baek can teach her a thing or two about mothering. It's about time she learns that too.

📍Papa Hong and Papa Baek having a heart-to-heart conversation over their frustrations at losing something, and almost everyone seems to turn their backs on them. Them bonding over Kdrama while having a drinking session at the same time is probably one of the most wholesome scenes in the show.

📍Mama Baek being such a loving mama to Hae-in 😭😭 even though it's clear that she loves her son, she didn't tolerate Hyun-woo's bullshit when the latter confessed about Hae-in's illness and the divorce. I hope all parents will take note of this: you don't tolerate your kids' wrongdoings, you make them own up to their mistakes and guide them in doing the right thing. That's why Hyun-woo knows how to take accountability, his mother taught him well.

📍Soo-cheol is actually growing on me. He's an immature idiot at first, but he really has a big heart. He's the one who got fooled and dumped on yet he still worries over baby Geon-u and Da-hye. Yes he was hurt, but he loves Da-hye so much that he can't even bring himself to be angry at her. He sees the goodness in her and points at the right person who caused their family to crumble. I can't wait for him to man up and fight to bring his family back.

📍Oh my beautiful BaekHong, the "divorced" couple who acts like they're still married. Hae-in acting like a typical wife who scolds her husband for getting into trouble, but still takes care of him anyway and Hyun-woo the boxing champion trembling at his angry wife 🤣.

📍I also love the fact that they finally have that much needed talk about their marriage, what went wrong, what they could have done, and Hyun-woo having no regrets at marrying Hae-in and would gladly choose her again and again. Dear Lord, where can I get myself a Baek Hyun-woo?

📍But damn Hae-in exposing Eun-seong during the press conference was the BEST!!! Dude was so sure he was gonna marry her but Hae-in isn't the queen of Queens for NOTHING. He really did underestimate her, I kid you not when I say that I literally flipped my middle finger when the camera focused on Eun-seong *clears throat* with all due respect to Park Sung-hoon, you are a great actor sir but I loathe your character. Yoon Eun-seong is the very definition of "delulu is the solulu" again, Hae-in would rather die than be with him, and since this episode is so satisfying, I'm gonna save my rant for the next episode.

📍I have always loved the dynamics of Hyun-woo and Hae-in, they may be different in a lot of things but they complement each other in so many ways. For example, when someone is trying to fuck up the other, or when one of them is in danger, there will be hell. Hyun-woo is very protective of Hae-in, he'll fight tooth and nail for her even if it means getting hurt in the process. This man will fight for her to the death. Hae-in on the other hand is the type of person who would rather take all the pain to herself than seeing her loved ones suffer. She will never stand back when it comes to Hyun-woo, and when someone tries to fuck him up, she'll go above and beyond to save him, and she'll give you hell if you mess with her husband. Since the beginning they have always fought for each other, but in the next coming episodes I hope they'll learn to fight together because seriously, they are such a power couple.

📍Hae-in still calls Hyun-woo her husband 🥹🥹

📍Shout out to Grace for not being too stupid, you have chosen the right team to help ma'am. And Da-hye...girl, come back already.

#kdrama #netflix #tvn #queen of tears #kim soo hyun #kim ji won #kwak dong yeon #lee joo bin #park sunghoon #baek hyun woo #hong hae in #hong soo cheol #cheon da hye #yoon eun seong #my roman empire #baekhong

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cookinguptales · 11 months

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I'm about to have a couple of very physically trying days (which... means they'll probably become emotionally trying, too, with my current emotional state) so like. I'm gonna vent about something and it's dumb and personal but I wanna get it out now so it doesn't come out later at a more inopportune time.

I guess I'll preface this with saying that I don't feel like I can talk to a lot of people about this who are actually close to me, for a lot of reasons. Some people care too much, some people don't care enough, some people are wrapped up in other stressors and I don't want to combine them, whatever. I have a lot of shit going on right now and I've been trying really hard not to put more stress on people who have enough of their own to deal with but that kind of means that I've been carrying everyone else's stress while also trying to carry my own and that's. a lot.

So...... tumblr, then. Screaming into the void hits in a way that writing in a diary doesn't, I guess, though I've tried that too.

A girl I really liked turned me down recently. She was nice about it and I don't harbor any ill feelings towards her. I'd picked up some vibes and I was at least relieved to know that I wasn't crazy; she had some interest too (at least... to some extent, I guess) but didn't want to date for understandable reasons that are purely her own.

I guess as far as getting turned down, it's not the worst thing in the world. Like... I want to be clear that nothing I'm about to say pertains to this girl specifically.

It's more that. God. It's the pattern.

I was abused when I was a kid. In a lot of ways, I guess, some more physically dangerous than others but like. I guess the pertinent thing here is that I was... idk the word for it. It was a complicated situation. I won't get into all the details. It was sexual abuse of some kind, I guess. It was a relationship, if... a weird one.

She really fucked with my head, y'know? I was a kid. She wasn't. She liked "teaching" me things and keeping me at the end of a hook, but she never went far enough that anything strictly illegal happened. (Actually some of it probably was, but I didn't know that back then.) She got tired of me when I got old enough to question things a little.

It sucked.

I guess the point to all that is that I felt really violated and really stupid when it was all over. I... had a really rough period that I really only barely got through.

I had a hard time trusting people after that, but I had an even harder time trusting myself. I'd let someone in and it had been a very bad choice. I didn't trust my own judgement, especially re: other people.

I don't blame myself for it as much anymore. It only lasted a couple years and it was over fifteen years ago, in the grand scheme of things. I don't even think about it as much as I used to. But I can see how it's altered my ability to create meaningful connections with people.

I was in a really vulnerable place back then. I was really sick with a mystery disease, I almost never got to spend time outside of school with my peers, almost all my free time was being spent at doctors or sleeping, I was being physically and psychologically terrorized at home, I was being raised in this awful evangelical setting that gave me very mixed feelings about my own sexuality (and... also meant I couldn't tell anyone when an adult woman was messing around with me without also outing myself), and I just. I mean, I was a teenager. You remember what it was like. You hate yourself.

But someone liked me and someone listened to me and someone convinced a very guarded teen to open up to them and it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. So you can see, I guess, how it became even harder for me to do it again.

I've done a lot of healing in recent years; I don't want to make myself sound like some broken bird. I did feel broken for the longest time. Emotionally fucked up and sick and disabled and ugly and not nearly kind enough to make up for all my defects. I felt like no one could ever love someone like me, and when people did make overtures toward me, I would either miss them (assuming no one could want me) or I would mistrust them, for I guess obvious reasons.

I think... to some degree, I probably lost respect for people when they liked me. It was pretty fucked up.

I'm not exactly uhhh wholly better now. I still have a very, very difficult time believing someone could love me. But I guess... at this point, I don't feel like there is something uniquely wrong with me. I think I deserve to be loved, even if I'll admit that I don't fully believe it'll ever happen.

But I guess all this is to say... I don't catch feelings for people very often. I don't let myself, I guess. I tell myself I'm being silly or flighty or stupid. It's dumb to get butterflies at my age, and it's dumb to believe that someone could like me back. I think I could probably count on one hand the number of people I've genuinely wanted to date.

And... none of them wanted me.

No one was ever mean about it. They all had perfectly good reasons. It was never personal. But I think that's the problem now. I think that's what's kind of been fucking me up the past few weeks in a maelstrom of Other Bullshit Happening Too.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten the "oh, you're great, I really like you, I just can't because [x]" speech. (Actually, I can. Because, like I said, I don't actually get to that stage very often. But I'm not going to tell you because it's humiliating.) And I've kind of danced around the idea before, but now it's really become like... a sickening sort of suspicion.

I think... I might actually be more broken than I thought. I can't help but wonder if like... can I sense it? Can I sense it when a person isn't looking? When they're straight or they're interested in someone else or they just don't do relationships or they just don't want one right now or they have their own shit they're dealing with?

Can I tell subconsciously somehow that they won't be in a position to want me, and that's why they feel safe to me?

Because. Like, there's bad luck and there's patterns, man. I never know these things going into it. I never set out to fall for a straight girl or a girl with a secret boyfriend or a girl who's just realized that relationships aren't for her or a girl who's planning to move or a girl who just can't do it right now. But I always seem to do it anyway. 100% success rate. I used to joke that I had the best gaydar in the world because if I was attracted to a girl, she would invariably realize she was straight. (Or, back when I IDed as more bisexual, any guy I'd be ??? about would turn out to be gay. lmao)

But like. It's not even just sexuality. I just always seem to pick people who are not gonna want to be with me, but not in a personal way. And like... do I subconsciously like that? Am I still afraid of a person who actually wants to pursue me? To be with me? Do I actively pick people who are in some way unavailable?

I don't know. I don't know if subconsciously picking up on stuff like that before even they know is possible. I might be giving myself superpowers here to cope. lmao.

I've had a few people express interest, I guess. Mostly boys, and I was never all that interested in them. I always just wanted to figure out a way to extricate myself from that situation. lmao. But even now, now that I'm really trying to put myself out there, I've had girls I've gone on a couple dates with. They always want to keep trying. I don't.

I've always put it down to a lack of chemistry (which is normal on dating apps, tbh) and the fact that, due to my own trauma, I usually need to know someone reasonably well before I feel comfortable enough to start to really like them, but. Now I've gotta wonder, y'know? Did I not like them because they liked me?

I guess... I don't harbor ill will toward anyone who's turned me down. They've all had perfectly reasonable reasons. And... no, I don't think that I'm some uniquely awful person whom no one could ever love anymore. But there's something about being 18 years old and having doctors touching you more than anyone your own age ever has. There's something about being 25 and never having been on a real date before. Being 33 and having never been kissed.

(Cringe.)

You kind of start to feel like... it doesn't happen for everyone, does it? And maybe you're just gonna die alone with the trees.

I guess I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship with a person who doesn't want me, or who I don't want either. I could probably find someone equally lonely to settle for me if I really tried.

But like... god, I don't need fanfic romance, but I just want someone to genuinely want me. To see all of the awful parts of me that I hate and like me anyway. To not be unsure whether they want to be with me or not, but to be excited about it.

I guess I just want to feel like I'm enough.

But I also guess I'm self-defeating, apparently.

I've gone on half-hearted dates because I'm trying, damn it, but I hadn't really liked someone in... god, probably about eight years when I realized I liked this girl. I was uhhh. Surprised. To put it lightly. lmao. I think I'd really managed to just about give up.

But I guess... I really have been healing, to some degree. I've had therapy, I've gotten quasi-medicated. I've done a lot of self-discovery. I thought that maybe this time, it would be different. She seemed like she might actually like me. Maybe I could actually be, y'know, normal.

I think... I'd almost kind of come around to the idea that I could be loved, eventually, maybe, a little bit? So I got up my courage and asked her out.

But I did it again, friends! I sure did it again. So as much as I tell myself that it was one flirtation that didn't really go anywhere, that it wasn't me, that it wasn't her, that these things happen and all you can do is try again...

It just. It gets harder every time. And idk if I can keep doing this. Hope hurts too much, maybe, and I'm not a very strong person.

Maybe I should just. idk. Focus on traveling and creating and helping people. All the things that idk how much longer I'll be able to do.

(I'm getting sicker every fucking year and I know it. And brooo if that doesn't fuck me up a little too. Who the fuck is gonna wanna deal with that? Even I don't wanna deal with that.)

I keep trying to tell myself that you can have a full life without a partner but like. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm that person whom everybody likes but nobody loves, y'know? Maybe I don't even need a partner specifically. Just... a person who really, really loves me. Maybe I just need to know that I'm capable of it. Being loved.

Just once. Even if it doesn't last. I just need someone to choose to want to be with me just once. And god, I need to be able to let them.

(My mom and dad love me, to be clear! But they also love my sister, who is a literal attempted murderer and confessed animal torturer. And me-torturer. So like. idk if that makes me feel better, actually.)

idk. I don't have some neat way to sum all this up. I just feel really lonely right now, and kind of stupid if I'm being honest. Like I tricked myself into coming out of my shell again and it just. Wasn't a good idea.

But... like I also feel like I've been lying around being stressed out and licking my wounds long enough. I'm not okay yet (...obviously) but I'm starting to depression spiral so it's good to get out of the house and be with other people again. But if I don't wanna break down and answer them honestly when they ask me how I'm doing, I guess I gotta be honest somewhere.

Today's gonna hurt a lot physically, I'm gonna be really tired, and it's gonna be emotionally difficult. But there will be good things, too, and I guess... all I can do is focus on that, right?

Sigh. I wanna go be with the trees. One week till California.

(Note: I did just want to say that these posts really are just a place to sort through my feelings and not some weird passive-aggressive bid for attention or something. I told everyone who might be involved with this post to avoid reading it! Though if they decided to do so anyway, they're probably thinking they dodged a fucking bullet! lmao)

#just me #vent post #look I figure if I put my personal venting under read mores #then all this bullshit becomes opt-in and you can't get mad at me lmao

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aliensunflower-fics · 3 years

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In Defense of Salt AND Sugar: Aka ML Fandom pls chill out.

So I don’t talk much as those who follow me will say I tend to just stick to myself and my own things. HOWEVER, Ive gotten a lot of asks about why I write both Salt and Sugar for Miraculous Ladybug.

The short answer: Both salt and sugar are valid, fun, intriguing things to read and write and the point of writing is to entertain and be entertained.

The long answer: Salt isn’t inherently someone hating on your fav show and sugar isn't someone necessarily giving it a free pass either. Ya’ll are just dramatic as hell.

The LONGER answer:

I write salt because I LIKE Miraculous Ladybug, BUT the show has not lived up to its potential AT ALL. The show could be so much better and the characters are so flawed or full of holes that occasionally I feel FRUSTRATED and mad!

I hate that Alya a character who I was so excited about, gets shafted ignored, sidelined, or written like a jerk! She could have been this great detective working alongside her friend to unmask the villain, but instead she often comes across as pushy, obsessed with Ladynoir or Adrinette, and so damn easily tricked. Not to mention how when shes not gushing over her ‘ships’ shes pushed to the side and ignored. [or you know... LILA]

I hate that Marinette’s crush makes her do things that are so cringy and awkward i feel ill I hate that she’s constantly the only one making mistakes and ‘learning lessons’ when the show has all these other great characters that could use the spotlight and be the ones learning lessons. I hate that she’s so jealous and that she cant ever seem to catch a break as if the show is punishing her constantly.

I HATE that Adrien is a mary sue, how the writers say hes perfect and treat him as such, I hate that he gets to guilt Marinette into fixing everything and dealing with bullies, I wanted a funny, Ron Stoppable, naive boy who learns about real friendships and grows into a great partner. Instead he gets to be pushy and downright a jerk as Chat Noir ignoring his responsibilities, guilting Ladybug with his feelings, never taking no as an answer. He’s not a good role model for kids.

I hate that Chloe got built up to have a redemption arc several times only for the writers to decide that Chloe a teenage girl who needs some serious therapy [and actual reasonable punishment for her actions] is worse than Gabriel child abuse Agreste. She could have been a great lesson on compassion and growth and dealing with your own pain without hurting others. Instead the writers wrote her off completely.

And dont get me started on how the show treats Nino, Kagami, Luka and the rest of the cast. They may as well be a backdrop for the forced love square that we NEVER get a break from. Seriously I’m a sucker for romance but does it need to be EVERY damn episode?! Can’t we just get some wholesome friendship between everyone including Adrien and Marinette at this point like COME ON.

And i’m not even touching on the white washing, awful lessons on responsibility and forgiveness, awful lessons on well so much other stuff really, the guilt trips, the teacher, the fact that she show could be used to teach kids how to better handle negative emotions and the importance of open communication and not keeping quiet about injustice and/or your feelings but instead decided that the main priority should be a love square that gets force fed to us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.

My point is the show has FLAWS. That doesn’t mean its the worse show ever and it doesn’t mean its not fun, and has a great premise and characters, and so when I write Salt I write it because i’m frustrated! Im frustrated with the show, with the characters, with the writing and so I vent that out with salt I write those characters as their worst selves because I cant stand how the show has decided to treat them and Im ANGRY and disappointed.

It feels good to write salt and to read it. It’s nice to see characters get called out for bad behavior, its nice to read about Adrien not getting the girl. Its nice to occasionally indulge in salt because it validates that the show is flawed and lets you get out that frustration.

BUT ON THE FLIP SIDE

Miraculous Ladybug is a lovely show. It’s a show that decided to give little girls a FEMALE HERO. And not just as a side kick or background character! No they made her the protagonist! Its so important to me that little girls see good well rounded female characters in media.

And even if the show is clumsy about it they are TRYING to build an expansive lore that tickles the theorist brain. And gets people invested in the world.

The show also made Marinette shy, and awkward, and clumsy something a lot of girls deal with during puberty as growing up can literally make you clumsier as your body adjusts. Having a character who tries to be positive and tries to find solutions who solves things with creativity instead of pure violence. Thats LOVELY for young girls to see.

Growing up I loved and admired Kim Possible, and probably would have loved Marinette, even if the shows not perfect I can admit its trying and I can see why people love it as much as they do! And why they write these fluffy sugary fics its the reason I WRITE fluffy sugary things.

Because even though I am frustrated and angry and disappointed with the show, I still see Alya’s potential and how great she is as representation to little girls who want a black female superhero so I write fluff where Alya’s loyalty, compassion, cleverness and her pursuit of justice are center stage.

I see how Adrien could be better and I want him to be better and I WANT him to be the naive funny comic relief the Ron Stoppable to Marinette’s Kim Possible. I want Adrien to grow and learn and spit in his dad’s face I want him to overcome the abuse and be happy. To show people that neglect and abuse doesn’t mean you will get stuck like that forever, that you can overcome that and be a better kinder person.

I want Nino and Kagami, and Luka and Chloe and the class to grow and get attention and have funny moments I want to laugh and make other people laugh! So I write prompts focused around comedy and shenanigans and where the characters get to be fun and silly and make decisions for themselves!

SO IN CONCLUSION:

I write salt AND sugar. I see the value and merit in both sides of the coin, and I respect how other people see the show. I know its easy to get angry with other people in the fandom who see the show differently then you do but please can we put down the weapons and just BREATHE.

Someone who writes salt might LOVE the same show as you, and they might in fact love it so much that they vent their frustrations in angst and salt and cracky fics. Let them vent about how they wish the show was better, leave their tags alone or block them if you cant stand to see it. But dont attack salt writers for ‘hating on your show’ when they might love it just as much as you do but want a way to vent out their feelings.

On the flip someone who writes sugar might NOT be forgiving the show for its flaws, they might see all the same flaws as you but decide to take that frustration and write fluff and fix it fics and sugar because they want to indulge in a version of their favorite show where everything is just... OK. Where everyone is well written and happy and the character development sticks. Stay out of their tags let them have their sugar, they aren't writing it to hurt you just like you don't write salt to hurt them.

So ENOUGH. Enough hunting each other down, enough sending each other hate, enough filling each others tags. Let people write SALT if they feel angry and vengeful and disappointment, let them have their tags, let them explore the dark side of the characters, let them rant and rave and be HURT when the characters they love upset them with their actions. Its not your place to tell them to stop, to tell them their feelings are invalid, to tell them that ‘adrien is sweet sunshine boy how dare you’ or ‘alya would never’ or ‘i hate your marinette leaves dupont au’. Just leave it be, heed the tags, and let it go.

AND ENOUGH. Enough hunting each other down, enough sending each other hate, enough filling each other tags. Let people write SUGAR if they just want something to feel happy about. Let them makes coffee shop au’s, let them make fix it fics where everything is just happy without needing 8 pages of backstory for why everything is just happy. Let them squeal and gush and talk about the ship they like and the fluff they see. Its not your place to argue with them that the show is flawed, its not cool to ruin their fun by accusing them of not understanding the flaws, to tell them ‘umm actual this character shouldn’t get to be happy’ or ‘wow this is so shallow’. Just leave it be, heed the tags, and let it go.

PS: Now with that said and done. I do have one final message for everyone - If you write/enjoy pedophilia, if you sexualize KIDS. Then get the fuck out of fandom spaces, stop fucking following me, and do everyone salt and sugar a favor by LEAVING. Your pedophilia and child sexualization aint wanted, aint ok, and I will fight you.

PSS: IF YOU HATE WHAT IVE SAID ABOUT SUGAR AND SALT FINE OK I RESPECT YOU REGARDLESS. ENJOY THE SHOW, STAY CLASSY, DONT HURT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION.

#its just me #ml salt #ml sugar #adrien salt #adrien sugar #alya salt #alya sugar #chloe salt #chloe sugar #miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #alya cesaire #class salt #class sugar

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djarrex · 3 years

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Hi everyone, just wanted to address what happened last night along with some other things from before that all tie in together.

There’s multiple parts to the following post - please make sure you read all of it if you’re gonna take the time to even start.

It was midnight and y'all were still jumping in on anon and telling me how I'm awful for not commenting, owning up, or taking responsibility - I should have been in bed. I have a life and job outside this app; and with the several of you in my inbox and it being too late at night to address each, I’m gonna do it now. I can’t not say something about all of this. I just can’t keep quiet and ignore the problem - it’s not fair to you all. Deleting one post already has you guys even more riled up and all I wanted to do was offer something better than a “half-hearted apology” (it was very late at night when I wrote that very short apology, and wanted a redo tbh).

I really didn't want to make a long post like this. I reached out to a select few on here because I care about them (there's more of you, but like I said, it was at the time after midnight and I was fucking exhausted). but I was being demanded for accountability. So here I am.

Allow me to be real with you all, if that's ok. If it's not, well, idk. First I wanna address all you anons, who, instead of speaking to me one on one about all this, want to criticize me and shame me and my writing when truthfully it feels like you haven't even read more than a handful of my work. I didn’t realize that I write the clones all the same way? That I always make them super aggressive and uncaring and dom? “you write every single clone as so dominant instead as unique individual men with their own personalities” Interesting. See, that right there tells me you haven't read nearly enough of my stuff for me to believe that's true. That's one accusation I absolutely will not back you on because I know it’s inaccurate - saying how I group the clones into some overly-aggressive, and uncaring category - that I always write all of them as mean in bed because they're men of color. And hey, if I do write rough smut - which yeah, it's out there and I write it, as do a lot of you - there are warnings at the beginning, aftercare, dialogue, reader sharing their feelings, and most importantly... consent between the two. That’s what warnings are for, so that you know what you’re going to be reading. That’s why I, as we all do, appreciate warnings listed at the tops of fics; honestly, write them sub or dom or switch or however you want but don’t come at me like that. I’m sorry if I'm coming across as rude because I'm usually not, I’m one of the nicest people you’ll meet, but I will not stand idly by while you chastise my writing (writing that is pretty much the same type of stuff a lot of you write & rb with the same characters) that you haven’t read enough of to back such claims.

Next: Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart,

I get it. Really, I do. I fully understand the problem of whitewashing in SW along with almost everywhere else, and I do not agree with it. It's a huge problem, and it needs to be rectified. Now just because I don't speak publicly about it and opt out of publicly shaming TBB, doesn't mean that I agree with what’s going on. Not everyone is comfortable with sharing their opinions on a subject, no matter what that subject is or which side they're on. You live and you learn when it comes to that.

It has never been my intention to fetishize POC in my writing, which btw, the same people who are saying that it is my intention are the ones claiming I portray all of the clones as the same, aggressive men, lacking their individuality. It’s a claim that is simply not true, and I know I have followers on here to back me up on that. I know what I've written; how about you check it out and tell me that you don't see the words "soft" or "fluff" or "cuddling" or “gentle” or “tender” within my work linked in my ML. Clone character being a good partner and father? Tender love making? Holding each others faces in their hands? “We/you survived” sex? Taking care of their partner? Saying “I love you” to one another? Confirming the safe word and going slow at first? Oh my - riveting and harsh stuff - totally unacceptable.

Now: My admittedly problematic writings of Rex + Zygerria,

I went into writing that rp fic totally unaware and unknowing of the true implications. For that, I sincerely apologize. When I posted the NSFW alphabet, that’s when I was called out on that rp fic - not when I first posted it. Which the timeline doesn’t matter, I know that, but it concerns me a little bit that no one spoke up about it sooner - letting me dig myself deeper into a hole that I didn’t realize I was inside of in the first place. I've apologized once, and I know that doesn't negate what happened; I acknowledged my mistake back then, but I suppose that wasn’t good enough. I had asked you, anon, to message me to give me guidance, to teach me on what to do about the fic - you stayed hidden. Well, respectfully, what the fuck? I know we're all adults but don't lecture me and avoid me when I’d literally reached out for guidance on how to properly rectify the issue. I fixed my wording in some of my fics (the things I’ve caught upon rereading them) because I recognized and more importantly learned about and from my mistakes along with the unintentional negative implications of how I wrote those characters. Some of y'all wanna tell me that I "haven't learned"? Who are you, my personal blog police? My professor? My life coach? Are you even my friend? If I'm wrong and haven't learned, then fucking educate me. I worked hard on that rp fic, just like I do with a majority of what I write, but it doesn’t matter because I will delete it knowing that it’s harmful to others and I apologize for inadvertently romanticizing slavery with what I wrote - it was unintentional, and I’m truly sorry to those who have been hurt by it. I know it’s wrong, and there’s no proper excuse for it. Can’t go back in time, but consider it gone now.

Since that first wakeup call, I’ve been working hard to ensure I avoid using certain words and ideas when describing the clones in my fics. If there’s still something you see that isn’t correct or is inappropriate, please tell me! Don’t hold it in but then jump on the “attack M” bandwagon. Private message me, or come peacefully off or on anon, there will be no hard feelings. I don’t mind being corrected when I make a mistake - that’s just part of life, we all make mistakes and we live and learn from them. Making mistakes doesn’t = scumbag human. When you hold your breath and choose not to take the time to guide me, and if I appear to still be making the same mistakes, well, idk. I’m telling you right now that I do not mind if you message me with the good intention of pushing me in the right direction. When you come at me with hostility on anon, well, no thank you. To the anons that came without rage: thank you! I read what you wrote, and I have a better understanding as to how my writing had hurt the lovely followers of mine, and tried to address as much as possible in this post. See, angry mob anons? It costs zero credits to be kind and offer up your thoughts and advice with a good heart. I’m not going to hate you or block you if you try to correct me. I don’t block unless you’re a snoopin’ minor. Just don’t hold a knife to my throat.

Now: Why did I delete the tags and then my response to that anon ask?

Simply put: I felt awful. Deleting it doesn’t immediately mean I’m hiding from it and ignoring the issue. I wanted to come up with a better apology, explanation, whatever you wanna call it, because my followers deserve that. The ones who enjoy my work, the ones who interact, the ones who I call my friends, the ones who know that I’m a good person. Didn’t want to leave the tags/post floating around all night, giving more people time to sharpen their pitchforks and join the mob while I attempted to sleep. Trust me, I know saying that I had no ill intentions when tagging that post doesn’t make it better nor does it make it go away. I’m just trying to show you my point of view, that I knew immediately how I should not have tagged it that way, so that’s why I deleted them. I corrected my mistake. But y’all are too fucking quick I swear.

One more thing:

I know some of you who had called me out with the passive-aggressive inbox messages are still following me, and for what? You don’t like what I post, which is why one would follow another in the first place, so why bother sticking around? Do you feel like you need to police my blog? You want to be there the literal minute I make a mistake? I’m gonna turn off anon for a bit, so if you wanna discuss, message me. Just know that if you’re going to come at me with knives out, I probably won’t reply to you.

To conclude:

I’m sorry. Truly sorry for the entire Rex + Zygerria outfit + slaver ordeal with both the fic from a while ago and then the tags from last night. We can’t go back in time; the only option is to correct past mistakes that are able to be corrected, and then move on with new knowledge that’ll aid in me working even harder to ensure my writing isn’t inappropriate or offensive, and doesn’t hurt my followers nor the characters I write for. I’m still going to write self-indulgent filth and fluff, post-order 66 Rex, and other misc shit. I enjoy writing fanfic, as I know a lot of you enjoy reading what I write and love to talk to me about it. I hope that this didn’t come off as me being a bitch, because I’m really not. I enjoy interacting with the handful of people on here that I’d call my friends, and I love reading your reactions and tags to my fics when you’re excited and/or horny (LOL). It’s just after lunch time where I’m at, so I hope you have a great rest of the day/night/morning whatever for wherever you are.

#long post #m personal

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littlenekosfan · 3 years

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Since no one else asked... Do the boys for the ask meme too uwu There is never too much Bazz and Jugram <3

oh BOY we are here for a fun ride :)

1. Favorite thing about them

that is a rather complicated question since it's so open... hm, lets go about what i like about their character

bazz, his passion, i love that fire he has in his heart, so bright you can see it shine in his eyes, in everything he does.. passionate people are the ones i love to hear the most about, their engagement and enthusiasm always inspires me even if i dont relate, you can tell im a person of love haha, its my most important value and he has no shame in showing that, he always smiles and have that confidence, and still feel like a relatable character, down to earth, and i really love that

jugram is a little harder to love given his... cold persona (no being hot wont count here) but there is something that makes me fall for him and its his unconditional love... he isnt really open about the concept of love, and he very much has his own interpretation of it, where he keeps hiding what it truly holds even to himself... while i dont like how he denies it, he never killed it, he never killed that flame in his heart even if it means it would hurt him in the future... his love for bazz is just beautiful to me, to love someone for all the goods and bad, from the past to the future, to love even if the ideas dont collide with yours... he cant let go bc he genuinely feels love, and im glad he kept it and accepted it despite it all

was that too fanon or vague ?? im probably talking to myself or i talk as if the person heard all my interpretation of these two... very specific, so i dont blame you if you dont get it

tbh there is so much to love, their story, their personality, their contrast, their relationship, their struggles etc etc, its just, SO much and its all so good..

2. Least favorite thing about them

ahh, i always try to see "what went wrong" with these two... while there is a lot of mistake there and there, which are human or misunderstandings, there is one thing that... kind of upsets me, its this

i know what you're going to say, naki you're not supposed to take it literally, but i think it is... the more i read it, the more it makes sense with how they acted in their separation, but has humans, its so.. out of touch... like, oh yeah, never talk about your traumas/struggles/feelings with your partner bc we understood eachother??? bro you've only known eachother for 6months and yall arent even adults....... no way they never talked about that but also, if they had, they wouldnt have had that break up....... anyways, what im saying is, its unrealistic and it actually irks me.........

3. Favorite line

"Don’t worry about what the grown-ups tell you, I’ll teach you everything you need to know, We're gonna become the strongest Quincies, Jugo"

"Ishida Uryu... you should go save your friends..."

both can get my crying in the club... the first one bc it touches me personally, and the second bc... juazz feelings

4. brOTP

jugram: lille, askin, his aide (also aizen ???)

bazz: haha.... who even wants to be friend with him, actually i want to... askin.

bonus with juazz+ichiishi !!!!!! i love that combination sm

5. OTP

ill just list my ships with involving: juazz, juazzbert, jubert, hubazz, baskin

6. nOTP

juhasch....... and lowkey bazzren/jugishi

7. Random HC

well... how about one headcanon of them by age slice

as kids, bazz was jugram's sunshine, too bright sometimes haha, jugram had to take a lot of time to adjust to bazz' energy bc while being cocky and.. arrogant, he's very nice, and he can see that, sometimes it would wear him off since he's not that great, but bazz is too good of an observer, he would quickly notice it and cheer jugram up.. a little hard duo, but they are both trying their best

as teens, they say they are stuck in the forest training but that would require a nice little house wouldnt it? minimum furniture since it's too hard to get some (ahem, sleeping in the same bed for some heat nyehe) but also, that's basically a domestic au lmao but yeah, cooking, doing laundy, bathing.... all stuff together :) i like the idea of bazz being the only one being able to read and jugram learns from him? he takes so much interest that he keeps a journal about their journey or discoveries... bazz too, but not as much... he's too busy being disliked by the neighbor city jfghdfg

young adults/prewar. oh... oh boy, that one i actually need to dev about it with scenarios and my personal hcs but ill go with a ns//fw bc why not :) while they dont talk nor get along well.. like, at all, that doesnt stop them from being... touchy, it wouldnt romantic or anything "reciprocal" (as in, its more selfish/out of impulse then doing *with* the other) but there is def some yearning... lots LOTS of it.. they would kinda regret doing it bc its not right, but they just cant help it...

post war, this one can be very very open and wide, but rebuilding what was lost brings some reconciliation... not fully, but the gap is less... awkward, so they can now talk to eachother without that weird tension, bazz would love teasing jugram but it would always end up falling on his own head fjghdfg,.. there is some up and downs during that time ofc, but no tension like it used to be, they would have some casual talks... too casual that askin can easily pick up how they have history fgjkkfgh

i actually have a lot of hc, such as their physical appearance, their little perks and ofc, their angst... its hard to dev when im just given one random hc fgmjdfg i either end up with scenarios or interpretation rip legit i can make a post of the same length about their hair.. THEIR HAIR.....help

8. Unpopular opinion

i have no shame to blame the very badly received ending of bleach to juazz unpopularity... also ppl considering them as villains, for some reason, yet arrancars gets lots of love and attention but not ritters?? maybe bc of the anime but still?? most ppl in the fandom read tybw now...... sigh..... also, if you dont think romance is possible between them, ill call you homophobe on sight (idm ppl who prefers it platonic, but if you think it "ruins" their relationship, you are so off the grid pal)

also, they are one of the best written characters in the whole series but nobody wants to dig as far as i did.......

and very very hot take but..... you cant have jugram or bazz as a fav if you dislike the other, not sorry

9. Favorite picture of them

and of course

#jugram haschwalth #bazz b #believe it or not. i got interrupted while writing this bc i could hear my cat chasing a rabbit so i ran outside half dressed at 4am...#she's such a bitch #AND NOW ITS 5AM AND I STILL WANNA TALK ABOUT THEM........#it was a nice ask tho. i really enjoyed it hehe #ty sm ivy <333 #please if im not clear or want more dev about something. just dm fgjhdfg #i easily digress or mention things i feel like ppl already know about when they dont.........#oh well #shut up naki

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divinelydeanna · 3 years

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The Shadow

Time and time again, we may find ourselves turning down a dark road of emptiness, and self sabatoge.   All experience /shadow work, suffering, addictions, is to make the unconscious conscious, and guide us to dive deep into new somatic territory, open new neurological pathways, to create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy..    Awareness and proper framing of what's going on is crucial. The 'Psychic Winds of Change' blow through our Minds can be crazy fast and volatile , and at any moment may not be showing any signs of slowing down just yet.   Exploring Unchartered territory , spiritual healing modalities, can open new neurological pathways , create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy if we are willing to do the work. Otherwise it is spiritual bypassing.  

We all have demons inside us. Every day, we fight against them – sometimes we lose, sometimes we win.

These demons haunting us can be seen either in small glimpses or in full chaos. And because of our guilt and shame, we tend to ignore and bury them.

We think that they should stay hidden because they cannot and should not exist in our conscious self. The society tells us to focus on the good things like love and light, but never the darkness or shadow.

However, when we focus only on the “light”, it doesn’t reach to the depths of our being. It just feels like superficially hanging on a warm and fuzzy thing.

“Positive thinking is simply the philosophy of hypocrisy – to give it the right name. When you are feeling like crying, it teaches you to sing. You can manage if you try, but those repressed tears will come out at some point, in some situation. There is a limitation to repression. And the song that you were singing was absolutely meaningless; you were not feeling it, it was not born out of your heart.” – Osho

Inside every one of us are darker problems that exist. In order to touch the very depths of our being, we must be ready to explore our buried self through shadow work.

Here are the basic things you need to know about shadow work:

Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life. – Steve Wolf

First, we must define what is a “shadow”.

In the field of psychology, a shadow is a term used to refer to the parts within us that we may try to hide or deny. The name was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung.

It comprises of the aspects of our personality that we tend to deem shameful, unacceptable, ugly. It can be envy, jealousy, rage, lust, desire for power or the wounds incurred in childhood – all of those we keep hidden. Jung believes that when the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to sabotage our lives. Repressing or suppressing one’s shadow can result in addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”– Carl Jung

You can learn to identify and work with your shadow self so that you can reach your goals and live your best life.

For many people, denying their inner self is the path they usually choose, but as you’ll see here, we are big fans of accepting who you really are and working with that, while choosing strategic thoughts and emotions in order to continue to move forward. Transformation, which so many of us are looking for, does not come from a place of denial. It comes from a place of acceptance. While you might not think it is possible to find your way to the “dark side” and come out a better person, we are here to tell you, it is.

“Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.” – Carl Jung

Here are 8 ways to practice shadow work:

1. Believe you are worthy and that things will get better

The first step in overcoming your shadow self and taking back your life is to acknowledge that you are worthy of good things.

When we are feeling low it is easy to continue to feel that way. Humans have an uncanny ability to feel sorry for themselves, and sometimes that is all we want to do and it serves its purpose.

But sometimes, that self-pity takes hold of us and makes it very difficult for us to get out of the rut and get back to our normal routines, or even better, our best self.

The key is learning to love yourself.

However, in this day and age practicing self love is hard.

Why?

Because society conditions us to find ourselves through our relationships with others. That the true path to happiness and fulfillment is to find love with someone else

I recently came to understand that this is an extremely unhelpful standard.

People living regular lives

What I discovered is that the relationship I have with myself is mirrored in my relationship with others. Therefore, it was very important for me to develop a better relationship with myself.

“If you do not respect your whole, you cannot expect to be respected as well. Don’t let your partner love a lie, an expectation. Trust yourself. Bet on yourself. If you do this, you will be opening yourself to be really loved. It’s the only way to find real, solid love in your life.”

2. Pay attention to the emotions you feel

No emotions are bad.

Our negative emotions are portals into the shadow. They help us determine our wounds and fears.

When you feel an emotion, take a minute to examine it. Ask yourself the following questions:

What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling this?

Wait for answers.

Don’t be frustrated if the answers do not come right away. Sometimes, the answers need time to be found and you’ll know it.

Never force answers and jump into conclusion because they might be the wrong ones. Shadow work is considered soul work and it happens on its own timeline. Just be patient and know that in time, the answers will come.

This steps simply means to accept what comes up for you, when it comes up, and acknowledge that you are an emotional being that may, from time to time, find it difficult to manage your emotions.

If you are working to tame your shadow self, then you’ll be paying attention to these moments so that you can stay with them, rather than try to run from them.

So many people simply want to feel better in the moments where we feel the greatest amount of discomfort, but if we can stay with our emotions, name them and be grateful for them, we can overcome them and move on to better things.

The better life is not created by not experiencing those emotions, but by experiencing all of them with gratitude.

RELATED: I was deeply unhappy…then I discovered this one Buddhist teaching

3. Identify the shadow

Our shadows are located in our subconscious. We buried them there that’s why it’s tricky to identify it.

n order to perform shadow work, we need to identify the shadow. The first step is to become aware of the recurrent feelings that you always feel. Identifying these patterns will help highlight the shadow.

Some common shadow beliefs are:

I am not good enough.

I am unloveable.

I am flawed.

My feelings are not valid.

I must take care of everyone around me.

Why can’t I just be normal just like others?

4. Investigate your feelings objectively and with compassion

t’s hard to do shadow work objectively and with compassion. It’s easier to investigate and blame other people why you end up that way.

On the other hand, understanding why the people who hurt you acted in a particular way is hard to accept. But in order to heal ourselves, we must forgive those who hurt us in order to move on.

Try to navigate that they did the best they could do at that time or were simply acting from their own wounds.

It’s also easy to feel bad about yourself for having these negative feelings. But there’s no reason to feel bad. We all experience negative emotions. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

It’s important to accept our negative emotions and be okay with them.

According to philosopher Alan Watts, Carl Jung was the kind of man who could feel something negative and not be ashamed about it:

“[Jung] was the sort of man who could feel anxious and afraid and guilty without being ashamed of feeling this way. In other words, he understood that an integrated person is not a person who has simply eliminated the sense of guilt or the sense of anxiety from his life – who is fearless and wooden and kind of sage of stone. He is a person who feels all these things, but has no recriminations against himself for feeling them.” – Alan Watts

5. Focusing on your breathing

How much attention do you pay to the way you breathe?

If you’re like most people, then probably not a lot. We usually just let our body do the job and completely forget about it.

I think this is one of our biggest mistakes.

Because when you breathe, you produce energy for your body and psyche. This has a direct connection to your sleep, digestion, heart, muscles, nervous system, brain and mood.

But the quality of your breathing doesn’t depend only on the quality of the air — it depends much more on how you breathe.

That’s why many spiritual traditions pay so much attention to breath. And focusing on your breathing is a key technique they use to help people explore, and ultimately conquer, their shadow self.

6. Explore the shadow

Psychologists use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves. It is because art is a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself. Here are some ways to express the shadow:

Journaling

When you write, it allows you to feel emotions and empty your head of the thoughts rumbling around. It’s like magic – even when you write thoughts that have no sense. Just write whatever comes to mind because you can’t do it wrong.

Write a letter

Write a letter to yourself or to those who hurt you. You don’t have to actually send the letter, just let all your feelings out.

Tell the person in mind what you feel and why you feel it. Writing a letter will validate yourself and your emotions. You can burn the letter after you write it as a symbolic release.

Meditate

In meditation, we gain insights about why we feel certain ways. It helps us understand and objectively delve deeper about our emotions, then allow ourselves to heal.

One example is forgiveness meditation. You can picture a person who hurt you in your mind and say, “May you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be free of suffering.”

Recommended reading: A spiritual master explains why you can’t meditate properly (and what to do instead)

Feel

You will never heal unless you allow yourself to face the emotion you’re scared of. So explore them, write about them and make art out of them.

To experience yourself as a whole, loved, and lovable, you need to own up to your emotions.

Dreams

Our thoughts and deepest emotions can come out in dreams, according to Jung. When you experience a dream, write down what occurred immediately so you don’t forget.

By understanding your dreams, you might understand more about yourself.

“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens to that primeval cosmic night that was soul long before there was conscious ego and will be soul far beyond what a conscious ego could ever reach.” – Carl Jung

However, Jung says that it’s important to understand that one dream by itself might not mean much, but patterns from multiple dreams might:

“An obscure dream, taken by itself, can rarely be interpreted with any certainty, so that I attach little importance to the interpretation of single dreams. With a series of dreams we can have more confidence in our interpretations, for the later dreams correct the mistakes we have made in handling those that went before. We are also better able, in a dream series, to recognize the important contents and basic themes.” – Carl Jung

Remember that the shadow thrives in secret but they are part of who you are. Bring the hidden parts of yourself to light and bathe them in self-love and acceptance.

Sometimes, the process hurts but it will make you a better person. Keep in mind: When it comes down to getting what you want, you have to not only confront your inner darkness but embrace it.

Rather than try to turn it off when you feel the shadow self-rearing its ugly head, allow yourself to feel it and be curious about it.

In some cases, you might find that it serves you, especially when you are trying to protect yourself from things that might otherwise threaten your higher self.

When you tap into your shadow self properly, it can be a powerful alter ego that can help you manage trying situations.

It’s when you let it rule your life, or pretend you don’t have a shadow self that problems persist.

7. Nurture your inner child

Our childhood traumas can be caused by the way we were parented or other people who hurt us. It can result in deep wounds that can create behavioral and emotional patterns that create our personality.

Most of the time, our childhood wounds are the most painful. They haunt us and tell us we’re not worthy of love, or that our feelings are wrong, or that we have to take care of everything because nobody was around to take care of us.

Nurturing your inner child involves traveling back in time to when you were hurt and give yourself love. You can do this by:

Go back to the time in your life when you felt most vulnerable.

It can be a scene where you got hurt or a time in your life when you felt vulnerable. Hold that image of yourself in your mind. Stay aware, taking in any messages that arise during that time.

Give the younger you compassion

While reliving the moment, give love to your younger self. Tell yourself, “I love you and I’m here for you. It will be okay, it’s not your fault and you did nothing to deserve this.” You can also give a hug to your younger self.

One thing is for sure when doing shadow work, it is uncomfortable, to say the least. Who would enjoy owning up to their flaws, weaknesses, selfishness, hate, and all the negative emotions they feel? Nobody.

But while focusing on our positive side is enjoyable and boosts our confidence, shadow work can help us grow and develop into a better version of ourselves.

Jung writes in the book Psychology and Alchemy, “There is no light without shadow and no psychic wholeness without imperfection.”

With shadow work, we become whole to live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Recommended reading:

7 steps to heal your inner child.

Recommended Therepy : inner child Hypnotherapy, Family Constillations, Sound Healing, Earth magnetism Nature, Fasting, Mirroring, EFT, Resurecction Therepy, Heart Coherence Frequency, Deep tissue manipulation, infrared saunas, fasting, 1stSun. Kundalini Meditation , Mantras, ecstatic dance, Qi gong, vibrational machines, resurrection therepy.

Written by:DeannaCook and is free under the Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/) you may freely copy, distribute, blog, or post it anywhere, so long as the work is attributed to "deannalcook", and the text is unaltered.

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powerosewaterpuff · 3 years

Text

I KINDA SORTA RAN TO TUMBLR BC I HAD AN IDEA TO ADD TO MY REVERSE ROBIN AU AND FUCKKKK WHY I DO THIS TO MYSELF? ILL NEVER KNOW BUT AM I UPSET THO? NOT REALLY SO UH THIS IS A LITTLE HEADCANON/IDEA OF BRUCE AND ROBIN (DICK) GOING OUT, BRUCE GETTING HIT BY FEAR TOXIN AND IS SEEING JASON EVERYWHERE AND DICK HAS TO TALK HIM OUT OF IT SO Y E A H

it had been a reasonably quiet night, suspiciously quiet really when bruce looked back on it, but hindsight is 20/20. that didn’t really stop him from blaming himself.

he had repeatedly asked dick to go back home, that he wasn’t needed tonight (really it was the encapsulating fear that was gnawing at his heart, he could not afford to lose another son, he didn’t even know if he could make it after this loss)

dick had interpreted that as go home, you’re going to be deadweight on my mission. this, of course, sparked his famous temper that could only be rivaled by jason, and even then alfred was the only one who could properly tame dick when he was riled up in anger. so, the young vigilante stubbornly refused, stomping his feet onto the ground and staring right up at bruce. a determined glare that would’ve made anyone besides bruce or alfred back down immediately, but even bruce had to admit, it was going to be a lot more work having to deal with dick stubbornly refusing his orders, than it was if he let dick follow along safely, and it was a quiet night anyways.

it wasn’t a quiet night. and bruce had ended up resisting a full spray of fear toxin long enough to detain the criminals and sprint off into an alley. his eyes were squeezed shut, because everywhere he looked he saw a little ghost. bloody, mangled and bruised with a shreded black costume, reaching out to him and asking, “why.” shutting his eyes didn’t exactly stop him from hearing his sons little voice all around him, whywhywhywhyhelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmelookatmelookatmedadpleasedad

dick had blamed himself. after hastily explaining the situation to commissioner gordon he took off. swinging around the city trying to find out where bruce had went. his mind was screaming, asking how stupid he had been to let bruce take the spray for him. his whole point of being out here was to protect bruce, before he self-immolated on his pyre of self-loathing. he then managed to find bruce curled up at the end of a twisted alley.

slowly approaching, dick could hear bruce’s heavy breathing, shuddering with every heave of his lungs. he managed to get close enough to sit in front of him, and whisper, “bruce, can you hear me?”

that had been his first mistake, as bruce’s lens on the cowl blasted open and he backed up even farther away, pushing off from his leg and whispering something. dick could feel his stomach plummet as he swore he could hear bruce muttering, “jason.”

he swallowed the ball of tears climbing up to his throat. he would not cry, because he was not a child. bruce needed him, and he would always be there for him. he tried again, “bruce, i-it’s me. it’s dick, alright?

he knew better then to take off his domino but maybe it would bring bruce some comfort to see blue eyes rather then the green ones haunting his vision. he slowly ripped his domino off, approaching bruce yet again. he promised bruce he wasn’t going to hurt him, he was just sitting. just sitting. he knew better then to startle bruce when under fear toxin, that had been a lesson jason had shown him before, on the rare occasion bruce hadn’t been able to resist long enough for an antidote. it made dick’s eyes burn with unshed tears yet again, because he wasn’t jason. he couldn’t be jason, but that was okay (was it) because he was still going to get bruce out of this.

he sat in front of bruce, crossing his legs and stretching out his hands with his palms up, “see? i’m real, bruce. take my hand and you’ll see, i promise it’s just me. it’s dick, no-not jason, okay? here, take my hand and try.”

he waits a bit, but he stays still. he waits for bruce whose breathing heavily and darting his eyes around, tracking an invisible being dick couldn’t see. his vision then falls on dick, who gives a soft smile and keeps his hands out, stretching them towards bruce more, as an invitation.

it was a swift movement, as bruce pulled dick by his hands and into a tight hug. he held onto him like his life depended on it, pulling him to his chest and pressing his forehead against dick’s head. dick practically melted in his arms, wrapping around bruce in a koala like posture. he had dialled for alfred a while ago, to prep the antidote and to get the car to drive over here on auto drive (dick could drive it, alright? he knew how, jason had taught him but bruce didn’t have much trust in jason’s teachings, after dick and jason had trotted home, with scrapes and cuts all over the place because jason had been trying to teaching dick how to drift, even though neither of them had even been legally allowed to drive. bruce swore these boys would be the end of him)

they stayed like that for a while, bruce rocking back and forth with his son in his arms. driving away all the screams of a dying ghost, leaving only remnants of a whisper. it wasn’t until a while later that dick gently tapped on bruce’s arm, after catching sight of the batmobile pulling up. bruce was paranoid at first, holding dick even tighter and darting his head around, searching for an indescribable danger. dick softly whispered that everything was alright, he just wanted to take bruce to the batmobile, that was all.

bruce had become somewhat lucid, going on one of his only lucid stretches of that night to dick’s dismay but also relief as he managed to pull bruce into the batmobile and lay him down in the back, locking all the doors as he sat in the drivers seat. he knew better then to start driving when bruce would most probably start losing his lucidity and try to claw out of the batmobile. he just started the car and directed it to go home, as he climbed into the back, laying on the car floor next to bruce, just holding his hand that practically engulfed his own.

when they had arrived home, and alfred had been able to inject the antidote in intravels, did dick let himself tear up a bit, as he changed out of his robin uniform. he just wanted jason here, that’s all he wanted. he wanted him to ruffle his hair, give him warm hugs, watch movies with him, hold him tightly and tell him that everything was going to be fine because he was jason’s little brother, and no one would fucking hurt him, not as long as jason lived. dick took a deep breath though, he was fine. he had no need to cry right now, he could do that later. bruce still needed him, his father needed him. so he would suck up his fears, vulnerablities and everything else, and shove it into a little box in his heart, and spin around and go help bruce. with a firm nod that no one saw, dick did just that.

that night, dick had been curled up in bruce’s behemoth of a bed, holding onto bruce tightly, as a movie droned on in the background. bruce was absentmindedly playing his dick’s hair, taking deep breathes and reassuring himself that dick was here, he was safe. no one was going to hurt him. he was currently next to him, not blown up to bits in a warehouse in Ethiopia and the ghost clinging onto his wilting mind was just that. a ghost.

“bruce?”

“hm.”

“i love you.”

with a kiss to the forehead and a sigh bruce whispered, “i love you too.”

SEE I CAN WRITE FLUFF. SOMETIMES. MAYBE. LISTEN HURT AND COMFORT IS MY SHIT OK? AND LIKE IK THIS IS RUSHED BUT I LOVED THE IDEA SO MUCH?? AND I REALLYY LIKE THIS AU SO LIKE YK IMMA RUN WITH IT BC LIKE WHY NOT?? HONESTLY ID LOVE TO WRITE A SERIES OF FICS OF THIS ON AO3 BUT LIKEE SIS DOESNT HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR THAT NOR DOES SHE HAVE THE TALENT BUT THATS FINEEE SO YK TYSM FOR READING HEHE AND UH EXPECT MORE IG I ADORE THIS AU SO :)!!! (OH AND EXCUSE ANY SPELLING MISTAKES IM SORRY, I DEF DID NOT PROOFREAD THIS ENOUGH)

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allthebooksandcrannies · 4 years

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I know a lot of older people think it's a problem that so many young people don't want to have children, but I think it shows an increased understanding for how much of a responsibility parenting is and how much damage you can do to a child of you're not ready to raise someone.

I think that everyone is capable of being a good parent and I think that some people should never be parents. These may sound mutually exclusive but they aren't because there's a big if involved in the first half. That if, is that everyone is capable of being a good parent someday if they put in the work to take care of their own shit first.

When you become a parent or guardian, you are officially signing on to prioritize another person's physical and emotional needs before your own for the rest of their life. That means loving them no matter what they do or who they become. That means putting aside your own exhaustion and frustration at your day when they walk through the door so that you can be their champion and their confidant and their companion. That means teaching them how to process their emotions and think critically and empathetically and it means letting them find their own path, even if it's different than the one you wanted or imagined for them, but making it clear that if they need or want your comfort, your help, or just your ear that they will have it. You don't have to be perfect. No parent ever is, and it's important anyway for kids to learn in nontraumatic ways that adults make mistakes too and that's okay as long as you take responsibility for that and strive to learn and grow because of your mistakes. Kids learn by watching and listening to the adults around them and the things they conclude from those early years of observation will stick with them the rest of their lives.

I know that that sounds scary. It probably should because deciding to raise a child should be the biggest decision you can make, and if it's not, you may not be taking it seriously enough.

I also know that this is hard. And I have the greatest respect for people who truly understand this and decide to raise a tiny person anyway.

I'm also not trying to discourage you from becoming a parent. You may not be ready now, but that doesn't mean you can't be later. I personally would love to be a mom some day not I know that I have a lot of personal growth and healing I need to take care of first, to say nothing of the stabilization of my financial and career status.

The real question is what can you do to be a better parent, guardian, or even trusted adult to someone else's child (a really important and valid role and choice in itself!) later?

First off, you need to do some hard core introspection to figure out what traits and behaviors you have that might exhibit that would interfere in your ability to be a good parent. Maybe you're still emotionally immature. Maybe you're struggling with uncontrolled mental illness, chronic illness, or addiction. Maybe you've internalized some toxic ideas. Maybe you're still recovering from trauma or just now realizing that what you have even is trauma. None of these things makes you a bad person and none of them stops you from being capable to becoming a good parent. But, all of them can interfere with your ability to model healthy behaviors and coping skills to your child. Children learn through observation and, because their brains need the world to make sense and be predictable, they're going to interpret everytime you seem upset or lose your cool as being their fault. Young children aren't capable of going "mom is upset and snapped over something relatively trivial, she must be having a bad day/be tired/etc" because that's an interpretation of the world that is outside their control. Instead, they're going to go "I did x and mom got mad at me, it's my fault so I better not do x again" and that's a really harmful mindset that can contribute to self-worth issues and other mental illnesses like anxiety, especially if this happens long-term (for the record, you're going to make mistakes and you're going to snap over stupid things because being a grown-up is hard, so when you inevitably make this mistake it's important to be honest and upfront with your child about what happened, why, how it's not their fault, and you have to genuinely apologize for it, turning your mistake into a chance to model good adult behavior).

It's important to take care of yourself and let yourself grow and heal before bringing a kid into the mix because 1. you'll be a better parent if you start out in a better place emotionally and mentally, and 2. because you deserve the chance to be healthy and happy and it's much harder to address the things that are interfering with that when your also trying to juggle the additional emotional/mental demands of raising a child.

Additionally, I definitely recommend making sure you and anyone else taking a primary caretaker role in your child's life is in a stable financial and that the relationship between you and any other caretakers is stable and amicable regardless of what kind of relationship it is. The financial aspect is important because kids are expensive as hell (both the having/acquiring and the raising) and you want to be able to provide then with the best possible shot at life.

This isn't about me but I feel like the example will be helpful. We weren't poverty level growing up, but even as a child it was clear to me that we could be. My parents were 20 year old newlyweds when they got pregnant. My dad had been set up to inherit a position in his father and grandfather's construction company and did not go to college because they thought he was guaranteed a steady job. My mom was paying for a college education she couldn't afford because no one had ever explained how to get financial aid and scholarships to her and her parents were too caught up in their own shit to be anything but relieved about getting to make her future my dad's problem. Then they got pregnant. They started building a house that took much longer to build then expected because that construction business dad was expecting to inherit went out of business because it turned out that a cousin had been embezzling and my great-grandmother wouldn't let them sue or press charges against family. Mom had to drop out of college to raise me because daycare costs as much as she makes at work and she no longer has the time or funds. They had a baby they weren't prepared to raise and my dad's new job had him working in the Texas heat all day before going and working on our house at night so that we could move out of my maternal grandfather's house now that he was getting divorced and couldn't afford it. My parents society never saw each other and they were constantly worried about money. Less than two years after I was born they accidentally got pregnant with my brother. He ended up with failure to thrive and (although he did eventually recover) it raked up a serious amount of debt in addition to my mom's student loans and the mortgage. Flash forward four more years and my dad falls through a roof at a construction site and permanently cripples his ankle. Cue a year of the only breadwinner in the household being unable to work, several surgeries and massive medical bills we can't pay. A year after that my mom has to have a historectomy because her fibroids are causing immense pain and then they find pre-cancerous cells. Another year after that she starts having unexplained siezures and signs of organ failure that will take years to diagnose as a rare autoimmune disorder that will leave her disabled and, again, rake up serious medical debt. I found out in college that it came to the point that we almost lost the house but as a kid I still always knew we were struggling. And that fucks with a kid's head. There were reasons I didn't tell my parents that something was wrong for a week after I sprained my wrist when I was 10 and it wasn't just because I didn't want to sound like I was asking for attention (a phobia that also comes from having emotionally immature parents). I pushed myself ridiculously hard in school because I knew I couldn't expect any help paying for college from my parents. I still feel incredibly guilty anytime I spend more than 20 dollars even though it's my money and I need groceries or textbooks or gas or whatever. A lot of these issues would have been financially difficult and unpredictable, but had my parents been in a more stable position when they got married and started having kids, it would have been much easier to weather the storms.

Additionally, money is the main thing couples fight about, so if you can take that off the table as a significant concern before bringing kids into the mix, please do. Maslow's hierarchy of needs states that you can't address higher order concerns like personal growth of your worried about where your next meal is coming from and that goes for your children as well.

Again, I'm not trying to shame people for their financial difficulties. Most of us are playing at a game we were never intended to win and I get that not all children are planned. But, your good intentions unfortunately will not put food on the table or pay the rent and your children will have a lot less stress in their lives if you are able to make sure that things are as stable as possible before you bring them into it.

The same goes for your relationship with fellow caretakers. Don't try to have kids to save your relationship. Don't ever make your children feel like your relationship is in anyway their responsibility. Again, they need their world to make sense and if you're fighting they're probably going to assume it's somehow their fault. Don't do that to them.

Anyway, this rant turned out a lot longer than I intended but I think I needed to say it. In summary, raising children is not about you but your going to make it about you unless you take care of your own shit first. Children don't ask to be born. If you're not ready for that responsibility, either don't have kids or put in the work so that you will be. If you already have kids, and don't have your shit together, there's still time but it's going to be harder and you might have to do some damage control from any traumas you may have already inflicted on your child, regardless of your intentions. If that's the case, you have a responsibility to get your kid the help they need and do everything in your power to avoid further harm. You're the adult in this situation, and if you're going to be a parent, you need to act like it.

#parenting #emotionally immature parents #childhood trauma #parenting advice #personal rant #personal growth #original post

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dessarious · 4 years

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This Isn’t Fiction

***This isn’t my normal post and maybe I shouldn’t deviate like this but honestly I think it needs to be put out there. Yes, I know I’m a hypocrite and you’ll understand why I say that if you read this but I want to warn everyone that this is just my personal thoughts on the world right now and my role in it. Some people may feel called out, and honestly they probably should. I wrote this to call myself out.*** I fully expect to lose followers over this and that's okay. This also isn’t going to become a normal occurrence. I just need to get this out where other people can see it. As messed up as it sounds I need people to understand this and I need to know people hold me accountable.

Morning Thoughts

So everyday I wake up to some new catastrophe or idiocy from those in power and it’s gotten to the point that you wonder if any of this is salvageable anymore. I live in the US so my tolerance for corruption and stupidity was pretty high before all this started but even those of us that were born into this society, this culture of division, hate, and apathy are starting to lose tolerance. The fact that so many of us can look at everything going on and feel so detached from everything and everyone around us is… honestly it’s frightening.

I know that shit sucks. I know that the world is screwed up. I know that people are in pain, dying of hunger, being murdered, being raped, fighting mental illness, fighting a world that’s set up to make us fail. And I still do nothing. Why? Everyone blames everyone else for the problems in the world, for the problems in their own life. Now yes, there are a lot of things out of our control but in truth laying blame even for those things gives us a victim mentality and allows us to give up responsibility for our own problems. That mentality is what has reduced us to the state we’re in now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as bad or worse than most people in the fact that rather than try to fix things or even understand the world around me anymore, I choose to isolate myself. I choose to do nothing. I choose to let the world implode around me knowing full well eventually I’ll be dragged back into it and come out just as bad as everyone else. Why?

I can sit here and blame the education system that failed me and everyone else (and yes the US education system is designed to teach us to follow orders and not think for ourselves), I can blame the government that’s corrupt and the politicians who are only looking out for their own interests. I can blame the large corporations that would happily let us all burn if it meant bigger profit margins. I can blame the generations before us that let things get this bad in the first place. I can sit here and research and point out every decision and mistake that got us here, but to what end?

Blaming others and letting others control what happens to us is how we ended up where we are in the first place. Allowing those in power to manipulate us and use our fears and hatreds to divide us while they take advantage of our weakness got us here. Look at the culture online. All those people who feel perfectly fine spouting vindictive, hateful, and downright dangerous vitriol because they can. Right or wrong has become secondary to what we can get away with. Common courtesy has completely given way to ‘I want’ or ‘I deserve’. This is the culture I grew up in. I know it’s screwed up. I know it’s wrong. But it’s normal and our willingness to accept what is normal, no matter how terrible it is, is frightening. Our complacency to let the world burn around us is terrifying.

I write this knowing full well that it will take something monumental to force me to any real action. Yes, I’ll vote this November to try and make things slightly less bad. But I am lazy. I am indolent. Even when things affect me directly, I. DO. NOTHING. I am the norm. I am why the world is quickly devolving into chaos. I know this. And still I DO NOTHING. Maybe it’s because I do feel so disconnected. Maybe it’s because I grew up believing that nothing I did mattered and that I could never be one of those people that change the world around me. Maybe it’s because I have no right to complain because compared to a lot of people, I have a good life. My problems are insignificant. I have no right to complain because so many people have it worse than I do. All I know is that I’m not an instrument of change. I am not a driving force to be reckoned with. I AM NOTHING because I DO NOTHING. And the world is filled with people like me.

I am the root problem. People like me are the root problem. It’s not those that hate others indiscriminately. It’s not the people in power who take advantage of my laziness. It’s our willingness to accept the world around us. Our willingness to shrug and say we can’t do anything about it. Our willingness to stand aside and watch things happen, knowing they are wrong. Our willingness to just let things be because we are afraid of change. We are afraid of standing out. We are afraid of bringing attention to ourselves. And at the bottom of it all, we believe we deserve what we get. Good or bad. Right or wrong.

I am the majority. And that is the problem.

On a side note. Is anyone else thinking it’s a good time to pool resources, start a new religion (perhaps the divine order of common sense and decency), and start a self-sufficient, self-sustaining commune? I have zero helpful experience, but I’m a quick learner with a high mechanical aptitude.

#iamtheproblem

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cookinguptales · 2 years

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Please forgive me the rant but I haven’t slept for more than like four hours at a time in over a month so I am On The Edge and like

If it seems like I talk about mistakes and how it’s okay to make them a lot, it’s probably because it’s something that I have tried to teach myself as an adult and it’s something that’s really important to mental health!

(cut for a long rambling and sleep-deprived thing)

When I was younger, I wasn’t... really given that kind of freedom to fuck up. I went to a tiny combination middle/high school (which means that pretty much all my teen years were in the same place with the same small group of people), which was made worse by the fact that both of my parents eventually came to teach there. My RSD was really, really bad when I was younger (I mean, it still is but at least I know what it is now) and I think my parents could tell that I was already dangerously high-strung, so they weren’t that bad about my mistakes, but... how to put this without sounding like an asshole..

Kids had to interview to stay at our school between middle and high school, and not every kid got to. (Public charter school, it was weird in many ways.) Some kids stayed because they were artistically talented, some kids stayed because they were really nice and tried hard. But it was made very, very clear to me that I stayed for my test scores. lmao. I was in the 99th percentile on every standardized test. My PSAT score was a few hundred points higher than everyone else’s. I was the first kid in my school to ever get accepted to an Ivy. What I’m trying to say here is that I had... a reputation.

And I don’t think that most of my classmates meant me ill? But they had me mentally registered as “the smart one”, and it can be easy to reduce kids to a specific stereotype at that age. It was a really small group of kids and I was always expected to be the best, testing-wise. I literally had kids come up to me after we got every test, quiz, and assignment back to see what I got in order to gauge their own scores. Kids who were in higher grades than me.

I think I can count the number of times I didn’t get an A on something on one hand, and my classmates never let me forget those times. If I answered a question wrong in class, literally everyone would know it by the end of the day, and I’d get ribbed endlessly about it. If I didn’t do an assignment on time, everyone would whisper.

Add to that my parents being right there so people also ran and told them... Let’s just say I was under a lot of pressure to be right about all things at all times. lmao. And of course I wasn’t! I was a teenager! A really, really sick teenager, at that. (I spent pretty much all my free time with doctors, on heavy medication, or sleeping as a teen.) But every time I made a mistake, I suffered for it. I think that combined with the RSD made me feel like an absolute fucking failure if I so much as mispronounced one word in class. I would spiral over the least little mistake. I vividly remember emailing a friend once because I realized I’d made a mistake about a trivia point when talking to them the week before and I felt like I had to confess. It was pretty bad.

Things were a little easier in college. I actually went to a school known for being very academically rigorous, but everyone there was smart! I met some of the most stunningly impressive people you’ll ever meet in your life there. So if I wasn’t always the smartest person in the class, that was fine. And god, that was actually such a relief??? People always used to tell me I was a big fish in a small pond at my high school and I needed to be prepared to get Cs in college and be outclassed (awful thing to tell a teenage girl, btw) but I was actually looking forward to being normal for once in my life so much. And I mean, I did actually get As and high Bs on almost everything when I was there, so I did excel and most of my professors really liked me and my work. But there was much less pressure to be perfect, and that was a breath of fresh air.

So that... helped. But it’s still very difficult for me whenever I make a mistake about something, even if it’s just some dumb fandom thing on tumblr. I think it’s ingrained at this point... It’s one reason that I don’t like playing games with other people; I’m not always good at them, and the idea of failing at something in front of others makes me feel kind of nauseated. But at a certain point, I realized that I’m really kind of depriving myself of the joys of learning and experiencing things without a safety net if I’m just terrified about being wrong all the time. You can’t throw yourself into new things freely and with your whole self without making mistakes. And holding a piece of yourself back because you’re always afraid of messing up is frankly kind of exhausting.

So I’ve made a really conscious effort the past few years to do things I’m not good at and be kind about the mistakes I make. (Side note, the only thing I was allowed to be “bad” at in school was art because I was one of the only ones there for my brain instead of my artistic skills and that was another common joke, so now it’s almost the opposite with my creative endeavors...? I have a hard time accepting praise when I’m good at something artistic now lmao. I’m so hypercritical of myself. What a mess! So I’m trying to get better at internalizing praise, too.)

And part of that has been realizing that I never judge other people for making mistakes around me, unless they are uh... egregious and/or mean-spirited. In fact, I usually like the opportunity to teach someone something if they’re laboring under a misconception. But I never afford myself that same judgement-free learning opportunity, which is sad! So I’m trying to make a conscious decision to treat myself the way I treat others, which is with a kindness that I am unaccustomed to. lmao

It’s kind of funny because now when people start to treat my opinions with respect in fandom I’m just like “oh no, don’t do that, I’m an idiot like everyone else here! I have zero insider knowledge!” But I’m doing my best and I’m not stupid and if it turns out that I’m wrong about stuff, we’re just gonna have to learn to live with that. lmao

(Look, you can be smart and a dumbass at the same time. I am certainly at the intersection of those two traits and I choose to find that endearing.)

This was a long rant. I am extremely sleep deprived, haha. But yes, please don’t ever feel stupid if we’re talking and I make a correction or something. I don’t want to ever make someone feel like I do all the time. I want us both to learn and grow without fear of judgement, and I want us to learn to take up space and be awkward and fuck up a lil sometimes while still being loved. By ourselves and by others. I’m trying really hard not to make a tortured plant metaphor here, so instead I’ll just end this now.

I mostly just had to get this off my chest, but if you actually read all this, thanks for listening. haha.

#just me #tbh I've had to learn to love the way I take up space in a lot of ways over the years #and I'm trying to stop apologizing for how much I ramble on my own damn blog #I talk......... a lot #that's the adhd baby it's not quiet inside my head either

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silverlightqueen · 4 years

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21 Things To Do This Summer PJM

y/n has a week left to live and 21 things she wanted to do this summer. Jimin vows to help her do them all before she dies and give her the summer of a lifetime.

jimin x reader - angst, fluff, comedy, non-idol!au

Part of BangtanHQ’s ‘Bangtan Boardwalk’ at the ‘Summertime Sadness’ booth!

Rating: Mature (heavy themes and strong language - read with caution)

Word Count: 16.9k+ (she’s a monster omg)

Warnings: death and illness, discussion of death and illness, jokes about death and illness, brain tumour, discussion of eating disorders, brief mention of murder and crime (y/n jokes that Jimin could be a murderer or a thief), explicit language throughout, I think that’s it but please let me know if you noticed that I missed anything

a/n: here’s the first part guys! if you enjoy it, make sure to check out the other fics in the Summertime Sadness booth, and the other booths on the Bangtan Boardwalk! a huge thank you to @silverlightprincess for proofreading this massive fic, I love you so damn much x

silverlightqueen masterlist

y/n’s Summer Bucket List

21 Things to Do This Summer

1) Make a new friend

2) Dye my hair

3) Go on a road trip

4) Do pavement chalk

5) Get everybody I talk to to sign a shirt

6) Have s’mores at a bonfire

7) Get drunk and skinny dip at the beach

8) Make a wish balloon

9) Go to a fairground

10) Have a picnic

11) Get a tattoo

12) Sleep under the stars

13) Cloud watch

14) Try camping for the first time

15) Have a water fight

16) Make homemade ice cream

17) Have a pyjama day

18) Send a message in a bottle

19) Watch fireworks

20) Go to a drive-in movie

21) Make a photo album of it all

‘Hey! Hey, excuse me! Hey, wait, you dropped something!’ I can hear someone shouting and, despite the tears running down my face, I roll my eyes, wondering why the idiot who dropped something doesn’t stop to get it. ‘Excuse me! Hey, wait!’ I hear, the voice getting closer, before I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I realise; I’m the idiot.

I turn around to see a boy. The first thing I notice is the piece of paper in his hand. The second thing I notice is that I already know him. ‘You dropped thi- oh, y/n! Hey! Long time, no see. Wait, whoa, are you crying?’ he asks, and I roll my eyes again as I frustratedly wipe away my tears. ‘No, Jimin, why? Does it look like I am?’ I spit out sarcastically. ‘Okay, I’m going to ignore how rude that was because you’re clearly upset about something, and I’m going to be a good person and return this to you,’ he says, holding out the piece of paper. When I realise what it is, I snatch it from him, tucking it safely into my bag and mentally chiding myself for nearly losing it.

‘Thank you. Sorry for being rude,’ I say before I turn away, continuing to head home. It’s only after a few seconds I realise he’s walking beside me, and I speed up, trying to get away from him. He speeds up too. I slow down. So does he. I stop in my tracks, turning to shoot him an annoyed look, and he merely grins back at me, blinding me with his annoyingly handsome smile.

‘What do you want, Jimin?’ I ask tiredly, deciding not to be rude after he returned my list to me. ‘Well, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, so I thought it’d be nice to catch up. And I also know you, and you’re clearly upset about something, and I’m not going to abandon somebody who I have history with if they’re crying. And, as well as being a very caring and empathetic person, I’m very curious, and so I have to find out why you’re upset,’ he says, and I frown, continuing to walk, even more annoyed when he continues to walk alongside me.

‘It’s none of your business, Jimin,’ I say sharply, hoping he’ll leave me alone. ‘Well, obviously. It’s your business. But the nature of being curious is wanting to know other people’s business,’ he says as though he’s speaking to a little child, and I shoot him another look. ‘You’re practically a stranger.’ ‘I am not! We had classes together through the whole of high school!’ ‘I’m not going to tell you my business,’ I say with a note of finality, hoping he’ll leave the subject. And leave me, for that matter.

‘Would you tell me if you knew me better?’ he asks thoughtfully, and I roll my eyes. ‘Probably, yes.’ ‘Okay. I’m a Libra, I hate spinach and 13 is my lucky number. Oh, and I dance,’ he says, and I literally want to bash my head against a wall. ‘That does not mean I know you better. It just means you overshare.’ ‘Well, you can’t say I’m practically a stranger. Maybe only half a stranger,’ he says, and I let out a humourless laugh at how persistent he is, and he grins, mistaking it for a real laugh.

‘God, what is it with you? What do I have to say to you to get you to leave me alone?’ I ask, stopping in the street and putting my hand on my hip. ‘If you tell me why you’re crying. Or, should I say, were? Because, if you haven’t already noticed, you’re no longer crying. Thanks to me,’ he grins, and I actually didn’t notice that I’m not crying anymore.

‘Well, your stupid ass has distracted me,’ I admit, and he laughs, the sound quite… endearing. ‘So? Tell me then. I think I deserve to know. Considering I cheered you up,’ he says, and I roll my eyes yet again. ‘I said that you distracted me. That is not the same as cheering me up. Listen, Jimin, I’d appreciate it if you left me alone. It’s nice to see you again, and I hope everything’s going well in your life, but it is not a good time for me right now. My patience is seriously wearing thin,’ I say, continuing to walk, but he still walks beside me, making me want to throttle him.

‘I think your patience was already thin. And I’m a good citizen, so I would never just let a pretty girl crying pass me by without asking what’s wrong. Especially if I already know her,’ he says lightly, and I roll my eyes. Is he seriously trying to flirt with me? ‘Jimin. Leave me alone,’ I say seriously, putting emphasis on every word as the anger begins to bubble up in my stomach. ‘Not until you tell me what’s wro-’ ‘I have a week left to live!’ I shout, losing my temper, and his face instantly transforms from teasing and light, to shocked and guilty as tears fill my eyes. That’ll teach him not to pry into other people’s business.

‘Oh. Oh, gosh. I’m sorry, y/n. I wouldn’t have asked if that’s what it was. I thought you were gonna say you’d broken up with your boyfriend or something. I’m so sorry,’ he says, sounding sincere, but I merely roll my eyes, turning and walking away, and hoping he’ll leave me alone now. ‘How’d you know?’ I hear him say from beside me, and I sigh aloud, having to physically restrain myself from hitting this boy with my bag.

‘What?’ ‘How’d you know you’ve only got a week left to live?’ ‘I went to the doctor a couple days ago, for chronic headaches. They did some scans, and then I got a call this morning to go to the hospital. They told me I have a brain tumour. Terminal. They said I’m lucky if I have another ten days,’ I say tiredly, a couple tears falling down my face which I wipe away hastily, and he takes a deep breath. ‘Wow. I’m really sorry. That’s… terrible. Is there no treatment?’ he asks, and I sigh again. ‘Yes, but they said it’s unlikely to cure it, it’ll only delay my inevitable death, and it’s… painful. I’d rather die sooner than later if later’s gonna hurt. Or it could get rid of the tumour, but it could ruin my future quality of life; I might not be able to speak the same, walk the same, even think the same. So I’ve refused treatment,’ I explain, not sure why I’m opening up to him, and he nods. ‘Reasonable. I’d do the same.’

We walk in silence for a few moments before Jimin starts speaking again. ‘So. Where are you going now?’ he asks, and I side-eye him. ‘Home.’ ‘To your boyfriend?’ ‘Don’t have one.’ ‘Girlfriend?’ ‘Don’t have one of those either.’ ‘Spouse?’ ‘I’m single.’ ‘Parents?’ ‘Don’t live with them.’ ‘Siblings?’ ‘Only child.’ ‘Friends.’ ‘Don’t have any.’ ‘What about all your friends from school?’ ‘I matured; they didn’t.’ ‘Oop. Roommates?’ ‘Nope.’

‘You live alone?’ he asks, and I laugh. ‘I have a dog. If that counts,’ I say, and he grins. ‘Of course it counts. What breed?’ ‘A miniature husky. His name’s Coco, and he’s literally tiny,’ I say, a small smile coming onto my face at the thought of my baby, and he holds a hand to his heart. ‘That’s a cute name. My friend, Taehyung – you remember him, right? – he has a Pomeranian who’s tiny, called Yeontan. Tannie for short. Tan for even shorter,’ he says, and I smile despite myself.

‘That’s so adorable. Maybe Taehyung can have Coco. He’ll need a new owner,’ I say jokingly, and Jimin winces. ‘Don’t you feel like it’s too early to make jokes?’ he asks, and I laugh. ‘It’s never too early. By the time it’s okay, I’ll be dead,’ I say bluntly, and he lets out a strangled laugh, as though he wants to hold it back but can’t.

I still feel a little shocked, but mainly numb. I went through the stages of dealing with bad news whilst I was still at the hospital. I started by denying it, and telling the doctor that something in the scan must be wrong. And then I got super angry that it hadn’t already been identified and screamed a little at her (it was my own fault, though – I’m the one that didn’t go to the doctor until it’d been months of me having headaches). Then I tried to bargain with the doctor, and ask if there were any treatments that don’t hurt or wouldn’t cause me irreversible damage, or if there was any chance I would survive any longer. And then I cried. A lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot. I got through a box and a half of tissues. I was at the hospital for three and a half hours, and spent two hours of that crying. And I was still crying when I left.

I guess I’m now in the acceptance stage. I didn’t know it was possible to move through the stages that quickly.

‘What was that paper you dropped? Your diagnosis?’ he asks, and I shake my head. ‘All my paperwork was in a folder, loads of it. I threw it in the recycling at the hospital.’ ‘Glad to see you’re looking after the planet for those of us that’ll still be here when you’re gone,’ Jimin says, almost tentatively, and I burst out laughing, covering my mouth. ‘That was funny,’ I admit, and he grins, relaxing. ‘I do try.’ ‘Yes, you’re very trying.’

‘Anyway. What was that paper then?’ he asks, and I sigh. ‘Do you, like, make it your life’s mission to pry?’ ‘No, it comes naturally. A lot of girls receive it well, actually. They like it when someone good-looking seems interested in their life,’ he smirks, and I shoot him a disgusted look. ‘Big-headed much?’ ‘Just truthful.’ ‘Well, I’m not receiving it well. Clearly.’ ‘I guess you’re not like other girls then,’ he muses, and I shoot him another look. ‘Please don’t tell me you think that’s a compliment, because it isn’t,’ I say, and he laughs. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. Let me rephrase it. You’re not like the girls that I’m used to being around.’ ‘You’re probably used to being around girls just as pretty as you.’ ‘You think I’m pretty?’ ‘Shut up.’ ‘Well, you’re right. But it’s okay, because you’re not just as pretty as me. You’re prettier.

But anyway. Are you gonna tell me what that paper is?’ he asks again, skimming over the fact he’s now called me pretty for the second time, and I sigh, giving up. ‘It’s a summer bucket list. I saw this girl reading a book with the same name in the waiting room at the doctor’s surgery the other day, and it inspired me to write one,’ I admit, and he grins. ‘That’s cute,’ he says, and I roll my eyes, looking away from him. ‘Well, I’m gonna die before I get to do any of them anyway,’ I say, and he sighs. ‘Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that,’ he says, voice small, and I nod.

We continue walking, his shoulder a few inches from mine, and I distract myself from the slightly awkward silence by looking at our surroundings instead. It’s a lovely summer’s day today; warm and sunny with the most beautiful breeze. Families are out in force despite it being a weekday, little boys running around shirtless and barefoot, and little girls in cute summer outfits. Chill ‘vibey’ music floats through open car windows, couples share ice cream at the café we walk past, birds chirp in the trees that line the road. It’s such a beautiful day. I even shaved my legs and put on a cute floral playsuit. So much for sunbathing in the garden.

‘Hang on,’ Jimin says suddenly, stopping in his tracks. ‘What?’ ‘Who says you can’t tick off your bucket list?’ he asks, and I raise an eyebrow. ‘I’m going to die, Jimin,’ I say slowly, and he lets out a frustrated noise. ‘You have a week. That’s more than enough time for us to do it all,’ he says, and my eyes widen. ‘Us? Who said anything about us?’ ‘I’ve taken it upon myself to help you tick off this bucket list.’ ‘And I’m taking it upon myself to refuse your help.’

‘Um, rude. Why?’ he asks with an amused glint in his eye, and my eyes widen even more. ‘Are you kidding? We barely know each other. The closest we ever were was when Nayeon and Jungkook dated and we all planned at their joint birthday party, and when we got paired together for that History project. That was years ago; I have no idea what kind of person you are now. You could be a murderer,’ I say, and he raises an eyebrow. ‘You’re going to die anyway,’ he says, and I stifle a laugh. ‘Okay, I’m allowed to joke about it; you are not. You could be a thief.’ ‘Again: you’re going to die anyway. But, I’m not a thief, so don’t worry. You’ll still have all of your belongings to put in your will.’ ‘Excuse me. Stop joking about my imminent death.’

‘Listen, I want to help you. Let me help you tick off your bucket list,’ he pleads, and I’m surprised at myself for actually considering it. I’m going to die anyway – I might as well spend my last few days having fun. Even if it is with an unbearably curious person from my past. ‘Please let me help you. I’ll consider my life a waste if you don’t,’ he says dramatically, dropping to the floor, making enough of a scene for people to look over at us. ‘Jimin, get up,’ I hiss, and he scrabbles at my shoes. ‘I’ll die if you don’t let me. Please, y/n, please let me,’ he wails, and I look around embarrassedly, feeling lots of stares on us.

‘If I say yes, will you stop making such an embarrassment of yourself?’ I hiss, and he looks up at me with wide eyes and a grin, nodding. ‘Then, yes. I’ll let you help me,’ I sigh, and he jumps up from the floor, a wide smile spreading across his lips. ‘Okay, let’s see what I’m working with,’ he says, and I look at him blankly. ‘Let me see the list,’ he prompts, and I pull the list out of my bag, handing it to him tiredly.

‘Okay, let’s see. ‘y/n’s Summer Bucket List’. Cute. ‘21 Things to Do This Summer’. Only 21 things? This’ll be easier than I thought,’ he says, before his eyes scan down the rest of the list. As he reads it, I look him up and down, inspecting him. He’s changed since school. A lot. He’s now around 5’8’’, with clear golden skin, chocolate brown eyes, plump pink lips and ink black hair swept back from his forehead (must be dyed because I remember his hair being a lot lighter than this). He’s dressed in a pair of grey shorts and a plain white t-shirt, a loose grey jacket over the top of it with pair of sunglasses at the back of his head. ‘Okay, well, you’ve already achieved number one. Making a new friend,’ he says, pointing at himself with a grin, and I roll my eyes exasperatedly. ‘I don’t know you well enough to call you a friend,’ I say, and he sighs.

‘That’s the best bit. You barely know me, and I barely know you. We can be whoever we want to be. All I know about you is the vague stuff from school, and I know that you had high hopes for this summer, but you’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness. And you’ve only got a week left. And that you’re grumpy and get annoyed easily and are not receptive to strangers. And you’ve got a dog called Coco. All you know about me is the vague stuff from school, and that I’m a Libra, I hate spinach, my lucky number is 13, and that I dance.’ ‘And that you’re annoyingly curious and persistent and stubborn and think a lot of yourself.’ ‘Exactly! That’s literally nothing in the grand scheme of things.’

‘So you think we should lie to each other about what and who we are?’ ‘No, no, you’re misunderstanding. Haven’t you ever wanted to be like someone, but you’re too scared to, or you’re too stuck in your ways?’ he asks, voice soft, and I nod. ‘This is your chance. We barely know each other, and we have no more than a week together. You get to be whatever you want to be, y/n, and we’ll tick off everything on your list. We can be like those reckless teenagers from all those stupid films. What have you got to lose?’ he says gently, his eyes big and his words convincing.

‘We can’t do all this in a week,’ I say, and he sighs. ‘Can’t is not in my vocabulary. And neither are cannot, unable to, won’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, mustn’t-’ ‘Who in this century says mustn’t?’ ‘We can easily do all this in a week. Even less than a week,’ he says, and I raise a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Ambitious, but I don’t think so.’ ‘And that’s not in my vocabulary either. But… give me four days,’ he says, and my eyes widen. ‘Four days?’ ‘Easy. I could probably do it in three, but I’ll say an extra day just to be sure,’ he says confidently, and I roll my eyes.

‘Haven’t you, like… got a job? Or, like, studying? You can’t just devote four days – or more – to helping me tick off my bucket list,’ I say, and he rolls his eyes. ‘Why are you so sensible? Trust me, there’s nothing I have to do,’ he says, and I raise an eyebrow, not believing him for a second. ‘Fine,’ he sighs, ‘I work with my friend – Hoseok, remember him? – at his dance studio, but he’ll let me have some time off,’ he says, and I’m still slightly sceptical, but decide to give him the benefit of the doubt.

‘Why do you want to help me? Haven’t you got better things to do with your life?’ I ask him, voice small, and he smiles, seemingly endeared. ‘There’s something tragic about you, y/n. You went to the hospital alone to be told that you’re going to die. And you don’t live with anybody. And you have a list of things you wanted to do this summer, but won’t be able to do them without help. My help. Of all the places you dropped that paper, you dropped it in front of me. And of all the people that could’ve picked it up, it was me. We haven’t seen each other since we left school, and even though the odds of us seeing each other again were slim, look where we are. Fate works in mysterious ways, y/n. Let me help you. For old time’s sake,’ he says softly, and I feel that little voice in my head whisper, ‘why not?’

‘You know what? Let’s do it,’ I say, throwing caution to the wind, and feeling a little bit of excitement bloom in my chest. ‘Wait, really?’ he asks, surprise on his face but also… hope in his eyes. ‘Yeah. Let’s do it,’ I say with a small smile, the excitement in my chest flooding out into my veins. He jumps up and pumps the air, whooping and shouting in celebration, and I don’t even feel embarrassed of him, finding it quite endearing.

‘Okay, let’s get started. It’s 12.32, so we have until 12.32 on Sunday to tick the whole list off. Let me look at the list again. Um… well, number one’s done. And the last one, the photo album, we can buy a photo album now and take pictures as we go along to put in it,’ he says, thinking aloud, before he turns abruptly. I look around in alarm before rushing after him. ‘Where are we going?’ ‘There’s a supermarket just down the road that we can get a photo album from. Oh, and we can buy an instant camera too! Cuter pictures,’ he says, and I roll my eyes with a small smile on my face.

‘We should just scrap that one. It’s not like I’ll be able to look back at it, so what’s the point?’ I say, and he frowns at me. ‘Well, we could say that about all of this, but it’s about making your last few days exciting and fun and an experience of a lifetime. So don’t say ‘what’s the point’, because there is a point,’ he says firmly, and I keep my mouth shut, unable to stop a small smile from appearing on my face.

We enter the supermarket, the change in temperature making me shiver in my skimpy outfit, and Jimin looks over at me. ‘Oh, my God, my mum would kill me if she knew how ungentlemanly I was being right now,’ he says, taking his jacket off. ‘No, Jimin, it’s fine,’ I try to stop him, but he’s already handing it to me and taking my little backpack from my hand. ‘Let me. Have you ever been treated like a princess?’ he asks, and I shake my head shyly. ‘Then take the jacket and let me hold your bag. It’s the least you deserve,’ he says, and I smile to myself as I shrug on the jacket without further complaint, watching amusedly when he puts on the backpack.

He leads us towards the electronics, the back corner of the store, and makes a beeline for the camera section. ‘What’s your favourite colour?’ he asks, and I hesitate. ‘It’s hard to choose a favourite,’ I say quietly, and he rolls his eyes, an amused smile playing at his lips. ‘Okay. What’s your favourite colour out of these?’ he says, motioning to the instant cameras, and I think before answering, ‘that one. The pastel blue.’ ‘Ah, nice choice,’ he says, picking one of the boxes up and heading over towards where the photo albums are, and I follow after him. ‘This one’s perfect!’ he says, pointing at one the same colour as the camera, and I nod, Jimin picking it up with a grin.

‘Right, let’s just double-check this list and see if there’s anything else we need,’ he says, getting the list out of his pocket again. ‘Hmm, we could buy some chalk to do number 4. And we can buy a shirt and markers to do number 5,’ he says, thinking aloud again, walking ridiculously quickly to where the art and school supplies section where the chalk and markers will be, before rushing off towards the clothes section, having me running around behind him.

Once we’ve picked out a plain white button-up dress shirt, we head over to the counter, Jimin chatting amicably with the cashier as I hang behind, surprised and slightly envious of his ability to speak to strangers like they’re close friends. ‘Would you mind doing us a favour?’ Jimin asks, and the cashier nods instantly, scanning through the shirt. ‘Can you sign this shirt? Just, like, with your name and your… job, I guess. We, um, we’re doing a project,’ Jimin says with a grin at me, and the cashier nods again, looking a little confused as Jimin hands her a marker from the pack. She writes ‘Soojung –supermarket cashier’, before handing Jimin the marker back with a grin.

‘Have you got film for this camera?’ Soojung asks as she scans it through, and Jimin looks to me, both of us exchanging an embarrassed glance. ‘No, but it’d probably help,’ I say frankly, and Jimin nods with a laugh. ‘I’ll go and grab them for you,’ the cashier says, getting up and running off. ‘We could’ve gone and gotten it, she didn’t have to,’ I say, and Jimin grins. ‘Perks of being a nice person – people do things for you that they don’t have to,’ he says pointedly, and I scowl at him. ‘Was that a dig?’ I demand, and he grins even wider. ‘Not at all, my dear, y/n,’ he says, throwing an arm around my shoulders, and I roll my eyes in response, the cashier reappearing with a couple boxes of film.

‘Do you want just the one or…?’ ‘We’ll take both,’ Jimin replies, the cashier nodding, scanning them through. ‘Gonna make some summer memories?’ the cashier asks, and we exchange another glance, a small smile playing at Jimin’s lips when he replies, ‘something like that, yeah.’

‘Okay, let’s have another look at this list,’ Jimin says once we’re seated in the back corner of his favourite coffee shop, pulling the list out of his pocket and reading it through. ‘So you’ve already made a new friend. Me. We’ve got the chalk for number four, and a shirt and markers for number 5. I should sign the shirt, right?’ he says, and I nod, thinking this’ll be easier if I let him do what he wants, and he grins, writing ‘Park Jimin - y/n’s fabulously beautiful assistant and school friend’. I raise an eyebrow, and he raises one back, challenging me to say something, but I just shake my head with a small smile.

‘Let’s look at the rest of them. Number 2, dyeing your hair… I have a trillion boxes of dye at home, that’s easy. Number 3, go on a road trip… we can do that, and tick off the others as we do it. Number 4, pavement chalk, we can do with Taehyung on his and Namjoon’s driveway because Tae’s good at art and their driveway is huge. Number 5, get everyone to sign a shirt, won’t be difficult, we just have to remember. Number 6, have s’mores at a bonfire… let me think about that one. Number 7,’ he begins, before looking up at me with a smirk, and I roll my eyes, a little embarrassed.

‘Don’t laugh. It’s something that so many people have done, and I never have,’ I say defensively, his mouth falling open. ‘You’ve never gotten drunk?’ he asks jokingly, and I laugh despite myself. ‘No, idiot, I’ve never skinny-dipped, but I’m pretty sure I’ll only have the courage to do it if I’m drunk,’ I say, and he nods, looking at me thoughtfully. ‘You can leave me with that one too, I’ll think about it.

Number 8, make a wish balloon, that’s easy. Number 9, go to a fairground… that may be a bit more difficult, but I’ll get it done. Number 10, have a picnic, easy. Number 11, get a tattoo, ooh, that’s fun. I know the perfect place. Number 12, go to a drive-in movie… difficult, but I’ll find a way. Number 13, cloud watch, super easy. Number 14, try camping for the first time, that’s easy too. Number 15, water fight… that’s easy as well. Number 16, homemade ice cream, easy. Number 17, pyjama day, even easier. Number 18, send a message in a bottle… should be easy. Number 19, run through sprinklers… shouldn’t be too hard. I hope. Number 20, stargaze and fall asleep under the stars, should be easy enough. And Number 21 is well under way already,’ he says with a grin.

The photo album already has two pictures in it; one of Jimin and I smiling and squinting in the sunlight, and one of us with the cashier, who looks a little awkward, but it’s fine. Nothing will be more awkward than telling her we’re trying to tick off a summer bucket list within a few days because I’m going to die soon. I was right – Jimin has a serious habit of oversharing.

‘Hi, welcome to the Sweetbrew. I’m Yoongi, I’ll be your server. What can I get you?’ a barista says, sounding like he wants to die, his entire face hidden behind a menu. ‘Yoongi,’ Jimin says, snatching the menu to reveal a boy with porcelain skin, mint green hair and brown eyes. I recognise him as one of Jimin’s best friends from school – Min Yoongi.

He was always one of the quieter members of their friendship group. Not shy, but more calm and laidback – it was easy to seem like that when surrounded by his friends, every single one of them having been big and loud characters. But he was just like the rest of them in that he was definitely popular, and desirable too. Everyone saw him as this sensitive and kind boy, his passion for music reinforcing that even more, and there was always somebody that was crushing on him, his look unique and intriguing. And he’s only gotten better looking since school, more mature and manly, yet still with the soft and delicate features that he had back then.

‘Oh, Jimin. Hey,’ he says, sounding a little more lively, before he turns to look at me. ‘Ah, y/n, right? From school?’ he asks, and I’m surprised at how quick he recognises me. ‘I told the group chat about you. Sorry,’ Jimin says, and my eyes widen, Yoongi sitting in the spare seat at our table. ‘What? When?’ I ask, and he grins. ‘While you got distracted playing with that puppy outside the supermarket,’ he says, and I frown.

‘Did you tell them everything?’ ‘No. Well, nearly everything. I told them what we’re doing, but I didn’t say why. Obviously,’ he says, and I fix him with a glare. ‘Oh, it’s okay to tell a random shop worker, but not your best friends?’ I ask, Yoongi shooting him a look too. ‘Not cool, Park,’ Yoongi says, and Jimin scowls. ‘I already apologised for that. I have a serious problem with oversharing,’ he says, Yoongi and I exchanging a glance as we chorus, ‘we know.’

‘Why are you doing this? If you don’t mind me asking,’ Yoongi asks, curiosity in his eyes, and I sigh. ‘I’ve got a brain tumour, so I’ve got, like, a week left to live,’ I say bluntly, Yoongi’s mouth falling open. ‘Oh. Oh, God, I’m so sorry, y/n, that’s awful,’ he says, sounding a little awkward, but I wave him off. ‘It’s fine. I’ve already gone through the five stages, and am now sufficiently distracted from my impending demise by your stupid friend,’ I say, Jimin scowling.

‘Well, at least he can make up for being stupid by helping you tick off your list. Anyway, you guys want drinks or you just chilling?’ Yoongi asks, and Jimin looks to me to answer. ‘I could do with a drink.’ ‘What would you like, y/n?’ Yoongi asks, and I hesitate, not quite sure. ‘Um… I don’t know. Jimin, what do you have?’ I ask, but Jimin already looks like he’s cooking up a scheme. ‘What fruits do you like, y/n?’ he asks me, and I think for a moment before answering, ‘berries, pineapple, mango, kiwi, peach. I like everything.’

Yoongi and Jimin exchange a glance, talking without words, and Yoongi nods before disappearing into the back. ‘Anyway. We need to get Yoongi to sign your shirt before we leave, remember. And then… we can go to Tae and Joon’s to do pavement chalk. And we should be able to make the ice cream at Tae and Joon’s too. Then we can go and pick up stuff from our houses before we go on the road trip,’ he says, and I hold up a hand.

‘We’re gonna have to go to mine before we go to Taehyung and Namjoon’s, because I’ve left Coco with the neighbour. I told her I’d only be a couple hours and it’s already been… nearly four,’ I say, Jimin nodding, and I can practically see his mind working. ‘We can get Coco and take her to theirs, and she can play with Tan while we get on with ticking things off. And then we can take her on the road trip with us the next day,’ he says, and I nod, getting more and more excited with his ideas.

‘Are you gonna drop me home tonight and then pick me up in the morning?’ I ask, and he thinks. ‘How about… we sleep over at Tae and Joon’s? You can get all your stuff when we go now, and then we’ll be able to leave first thing in the morning,’ he suggests, but I’m sceptical. ‘Won’t they mind?’ I ask, and he shakes his head instantly. ‘They’re so chill about this kinda stuff. They really won’t mind. We all sleep over at their house all the time because it’s the biggest. There’s more than enough space,’ he says, obviously trying hard to convince me, and I nod. There’s no point worrying about intruding at their house when their best friend seems to be the most intruding person in history.

Jimin looks back down at the list, thinking hard, and I smile to myself. It’s sweet that he’s putting so much effort in to try and tick off this list, even though we barely know each other. The most we ever said to each other at school would’ve been ‘d’you have a spare pen?’ or ‘can you pass me the bottle opener?’

Yoongi reappears after a couple minutes with two plastic cups in his hands, the drinks within them vibrant pink and orange. ‘I call this one… ‘y/n’s summer bucket list’. I put in the syrups for all the fruits you named and a lot of sugar and ice,’ he says, putting them down with a flourish, my heart warming as I smile at him. ‘Thank you. It looks amazing,’ I say, taking a sip, my eyes widening as the flavours explode in my mouth. ‘And it tastes amazing too,’ Jimin says, having already taken a (large) gulp.

‘I’m not the best barista here for nothing. But, y/n, you gotta take the credit. It is named after you,’ Yoongi says, and I roll my eyes with a smile. ‘Get out of here. But, for real, it tastes great, Yoongi,’ I say, the boy giving me the cutest gummy smile, and then I notice Jimin fiddling around with the camera. ‘What are you trying to do?’ I ask, stifling a laugh, and he sighs defeatedly. ‘Take a picture of us with your drink,’ he says, and I hold back a smile, ‘get someone else to take it.’

He ropes in an innocent woman sat beside us with her friend, and she takes a while to focus the camera on us and get the three of us in frame, but when the photo develops, it’s pretty good. ‘Perfect. Right, let’s head back and get Coco,’ Jimin says, and I hold out a hand. ‘Wait. Yoongi, will you sign this shirt?’ I ask, and he looks a little confused. Nevertheless, he signs it as ‘Min Yoongi – creator of the iconic ‘y/n’s summer bucket list’ drink and y/n’s school friend’.

Jimin looks thoughtful as we rise from our seats, and I side-eye him. I’ve noticed that a little bit of panic appears in my chest when I see that look on his face. ‘Yoongi, you busy tonight?’ Jimin asks, and Yoongi shakes his head. ‘I’m never busy,’ he says, and I stifle a laugh. ‘When d’you get off work?’ ‘4.’ ‘Come ‘round to Tae and Joon’s. I got an idea,’ Jimin says cryptically, wiggling his eyebrows at me, and I give him a look.

‘Okay. See you guys later then,’ Yoongi says before turning to head into the back. ‘Wait. Don’t we need to pay?’ I ask, and Yoongi smiles at me, a little sadness behind the expression. ‘It’s on the house. I might even speak to the manager about getting this drink put on the menu,’ he says, and I smile at him, trying to ignore the tears in my eyes. ‘Good idea. Thanks, Yoongi. See you later,’ I say, Jimin bidding him goodbye as he disappears into the back. ‘Okay,’ Jimin turns to look at me with a grin, ‘let’s go get Coco.’

‘Oh, y/n. Oh, my angel, I’m so sorry,’ Mrs Choi says for the eleventh time, dabbing at her eyes with her handkerchief, and I smile sadly. ‘It’s okay, Mrs Choi,’ I say, not sure what else to say, when Jimin appears at my elbow. ‘Everything’s in the car now, so whenever you’re ready,’ he says with a grin as he hands me the house keys, Mrs Choi looking him up and down. ‘Oh, Mrs Choi, this is Jimin… an old school friend. Jimin, this is Mrs Choi, my lovely neighbour who my dog likes more than me,’ I say, Mrs Choi laughing as Jimin shakes her hand, bowing his head politely.

‘Oh, don’t be silly, y/n, Coco adores you. He cries whenever you leave him with me,’ she says, and I raise an eyebrow. ‘And then cries when I come to pick him up,’ I point out, and she waves a hand dismissively. ‘It’s because I feed him so much,’ Mrs Choi says, and I laugh, Coco appearing in the doorway behind her. He comes bounding up to me, my heart filling as he rests his front paws on my leg, and I bend down to pick him up. ‘Hi, baby. You okay?’ I say, showering him in kisses, and ducking away when he tries to lick my face. I hate when he licks my makeup off.

‘That is the cutest dog ever,’ Jimin says, and I hold Coco out to him. He instantly takes him into his arms, and giggles when he licks the tip of his nose. Coco leaps out of his arms, and he panics, trying to catch him, but he does it all the time, bounding around the front garden. ‘Here,’ Mrs Choi says, handing Jimin the little tennis ball she keeps beside the door for when she plays with Coco. He instantly throws it and Coco bounds after it, running straight back to him with it in his mouth.

‘He’s handsome,’ Mrs Choi observes quietly so Jimin can’t hear, and I roll my eyes. ‘And doesn’t he know it?’ ‘Are you… and him…?’ ‘Oh, God, no. I… there’s a list of things I wanted to do this summer, and he’s helping me get through it all before I...’ I trail off, and she nods, blinking furiously, obviously trying not to cry. ‘That’s lovely of him. Make sure you take lots of pictures to show me,’ she says, and I grin. ‘We’ve already started a photo album. Actually. Hold on,’ I say, getting the camera out of my bag as Jimin bends down to pet Coco who jumps on him, the unexpectedness making him fall onto his back. I get a really cute picture of him lying down, laughing, with Coco on his chest, trying to lick his face.

‘Lovely. Well, I’ll let you get to it. But make sure you come to see me again before… well, when you get back from ticking off your list,’ she says, pulling me into a hug, and I screw my eyes shut, trying my hardest not to cry in front of her. She’s been like a mother figure to me since I moved out of my parents’ house, always coming over to check if I’m okay, bringing me food and inviting me around at least once a week, looking after Coco whenever I need her to. I’m heartbroken that I’m going to be leaving a hole in her life when I go.

‘I will. See you later, Mrs Choi,’ I say, pulling away from her, and we exchange a sad smile. ‘See you, y/n. Be careful, dear, and have fun,’ she says sadly, pressing a kiss to my cheek, giving me one last long look before she disappears into her house. I don’t blame her; I’d be struggling to deal if I were in her position.

‘Okay. Let’s go,’ I call to Jimin who’s sat cross legged on the floor, Coco running towards him with the ball and dropping it beside him. Jimin’s standing when I reach them and he hands me the ball, Coco’s eyes never leaving it. ‘Do you want Coco to sit on my lap or do you mind him sitting in the back?’ I ask, as we walk towards his car, and he shrugs. ‘He can sit in the back, I don’t mind,’ he says, and I pull open the back door, putting the ball in there, and Coco leaps in without hesitation. I shut the door behind him before climbing into the passenger seat, Jimin already sat in the driver’s seat.

‘You ready?’ he says excitedly as he starts the engine, putting on the radio which is currently playing Justin Bieber. ‘Yep. Let’s do this,’ I say, sneaking one last look at Mrs Choi’s house. And then it hits me. This might be the last time I look at her house. I might die before I get to see her again.

My body goes cold all over, tears prickling in my eyes as my throat constricts painfully. It just repeats in my head again and again; ‘I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.’

Coco realises I’m upset before Jimin does, and he begins to whine from the backseat. ‘Is Coco okay?’ I hear Jimin’s voice distantly, and when I don’t reply, I hear him coo, ‘Coco? What’s the matter, boy?’ And then he looks over at me.

‘Oh,’ he breathes out, instantly pulling over. ‘y/n,’ he says gently, reaching out to take one of my hands, and the second his skin touches mine, I burst into tears. He shuffles as close as he can, the gearstick separating us, and he leans across the gap, pulling me into his arms. I sob into his shoulder, letting him hold me as the tears come in an endless flood, whispering the words ‘I’m going to die’ every few seconds.

Once I’ve calmed down (and feel ridiculously uncomfortable in the position we’re in), I gently push away from him, and he releases me, still holding one of my hands in his. ‘Sorry,’ I whisper, and he frowns. ‘Don’t apologise. You’re allowed to be upset. Like, you’re going to die, for God’s sake; you can cry about that. Cry as much as you want, you’re entitled to do so. Just… tell me when you’re upset so I don’t say something stupid,’ he says ruefully, a small laugh falling from my lips, and he grins.

‘It’s just… it’s not fair. There’s still so much I wanted to do with my life. I’ll never work in my dream job. There are so many beautiful places I’ll never get to see. Tokyo, Mexico, Portugal, Bali, Dubai, India, Australia, Brazil, Hawaii, The Caribbean, The Maldives, Greece, Morocco. So many things that everyone does that I’ll never get a chance to do. Fall in love, get married, have a family. I’ve never even been in a relationship,’ I say with a harsh laugh, and Jimin sighs.

‘You’re right, y/n. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all. You deserve so much more, so much better. You’ve been robbed of the rest of your life. You’re allowed to be angry. I’m angry,’ he says so simply, and it feels as though his words just… make it all okay. It’s hard to explain, but they feel like a consolation. They make me feel like the way I’m feeling isn’t me just being irrational, or a spoiled brat, because I know that it could be worse. They make me feel like I’m justified in my thoughts and feelings. And that’s what I need right now.

‘Thank you,’ I say, sniffling a little, and he smiles at me. ‘You’re most welcome, y/n. Now. Are you ready to go to Tae and Joon’s or would you like to cry for a little longer?’ he says teasingly, and I laugh, shoving him gently. ‘Drive, you moron,’ I say, and he gasps as he starts up the car, a small grin playing at his lips as he says, ‘Moron? I’m about to give you the summer of a lifetime in four days. Do you think a moron could do that? No, of course they couldn’t.’

‘y/n! Oh, my God, girl, it’s so good to see you!’ Taehyung exclaims the second I open the car door, running over from the front door and throwing his arms around me. I was always a little closer to Taehyung than I was to Jimin, because we had quite a few classes together. I hug him back, my face practically smushed against his chest as he holds me in a bone-crushingly tight embrace.

‘Hey, Taehyung. How have you been?’ I ask as he releases me, his hands still on my shoulders. He holds me at arm’s length, looking me up and down, before an appreciative grin spreads across his face. I hold back from pointing out that he still has the same adorable boxy smile from high school. And then I register his bright blue hair, stifling a laugh at how eccentric he still is. ‘I’m good. You got hot, y/n!’ he exclaims, and I feel blood rushing to my face from embarrassment.

‘Thank you. But look at you! You’re so handsome, Tae,’ I grin, and he grins back with a little wink. Everything about him is just as appealing as back then. Tae was definitely a ladies’ man… and a men’s man too. He was loud and bubbly, his personality easily grabbing the attention of everyone in any room, and his laugh was crazy infectious. He was the perfect mix of cute and hot, and he’s only gotten hotter, with his manly features and strong build.

‘Thank you, babe. Come in, come in. Jimin, do you need a hand with the bags? No? Good,’ he says, not even waiting for an answer from Jimin before he drags me up towards the house, the other boy muttering behind us as I hear him pop the boot open.

The second I step over the threshold, a ball of fluff appears and begins yapping at me from behind Tae, and he bends down to pick it up. ‘y/n, this is my beloved son, Kim Yeontan, or Tannie for short,’ Taehyung says, introducing me to his little Pomeranian, who has now quietened down and is staring at me with a curious look in his eyes. ‘Hi, Tannie,’ I coo at the dog, reaching a hand out to stroke his head, and he lets me with a contented little growl low in his throat.

‘Ah, he likes you! He rarely likes strangers. Little coward,’ Taehyung says affectionately as I slip off my shoes, Jimin appearing in the doorway with my bag (a suitcase, actually – yes, I might be dying soon, but I wanna make sure I look good when I do, so I had to bring plenty of clothes) in one hand, and Coco in the other. And then the barking match starts.

Coco and Yeontan incessantly yowl and woof at each other, both of them scrabbling to get out of Jimin and Tae’s arms. And then Taehyung puts Tan down, and Tan instantly shuts up, hiding behind his dad’s legs. Jimin does the same, putting Coco down, and he tries to get Jimin to pick him up again. ‘They’re both cowards,’ I mutter with a smile as Taehyung leads us down the front hallway, Yeontan trotting along beside him as I follow behind, Coco hanging back with Jimin as he takes his shoes off and shuts the front door.

We enter the kitchen, and if it wasn’t clear from the outside of the house, it’s made clear now; this house is beautiful, and expensive. It’s roomy and spacious, modern and clean, with classy and tasteful furnishings. ‘I love your house, Tae. It’s so nice, and I love the way you’ve decorated,’ I say, and he beams at me, eyes nearly disappearing behind their lids. ‘Thank you, y/n. It was all me – Joon has no sense of decoration,’ he says, sounding genuinely touched, and Jimin raises an eyebrow at me as he walks in. ‘Look at you sucking up,’ he mutters with a grin, and Tae and I both shoot him dirty looks.

‘You want something to drink, y/n? Before we get started on the chalk?’ he asks, and I shake my head. ‘I’m okay, thank you,’ I reply, but he’s already distracted with the list that Jimin’s put in front of him on the marble island counter. ‘Ooh, so this is the list? Let’s have a look,’ he says before reading it intently. Once he’s done, his eyes flit up to me, before flitting back down to the page.

‘Don’t take offence to this, okay?’ he says, and I already brace myself for a mocking remark. ‘Some of this stuff is, like, basic teenager stuff. How have you not done all of this already?’ he asks softly, and I feel a little embarrassed. ‘I don’t know, I just… after high school, I drifted from the girls – I still talk to them every now and then, but it isn’t the same – and I didn’t really… make any new friends to do these kind of things with. I have my work friends, but the most I’ve ever done with them is a night out. And in high school, I guess I was… too cautious and too scared to join in on these kind of things. We went on a group trip to the beach – I was the only one that didn’t skinny dip. The end of school prank was dyeing our hair in the school toilets – I was the one of the only ones that didn’t dye mine. Everyone planned a camping trip together – I didn’t go. I was, and still am, a little… uptight, I guess? I wanted to change that this summer, but…’ I trail off, and Tae surprises me by nodding sadly.

‘Jimin told me on the phone while you were talking to your neighbour,’ he says, and I shoot Jimin a look. ‘I thought it’d be better if you didn’t have to keep telling people!’ he exclaims defensively, and I nod with a roll of my eyes, thinking his reasoning is fair enough. ‘I’m really sorry, y/n. There’s not much someone can say in these kind of situations, but I just want you to know that I’m so sorry, and that it’s so unfair,’ he says gently, and I smile sadly. ‘Thank you. I appreciate that.’

‘Now, anyway. Shall we get on with this list? I know Jimin said that we can start with chalk and ice cream, but…’ Tae says, voice a lot more cheerful as he sidles over to me, twisting a lock of my hair around his finger, ‘I think we should dye your hair first.’ ‘Dye it?’ I say, lifting a hand to pat my hair protectively, having not yet worked up the courage. ‘Yep. I have trillions of box dyes upstairs – you can choose any colour you like,’ he says, and I look over at Jimin who grins, nodding encouragingly.

A few minutes later, I’m sat on a stool in Tae’s lavish bathroom, a towel resting over my shoulders as I inspect the boxes laid out on the counter in front of me, Taehyung and Jimin stood behind me as Coco and Tan play in Tae’s bedroom (they seem to be the best of friends now). ‘I’m thinking I shouldn’t go too wild considering it’ll be my funeral in a little while and my parents will probably want an open casket,’ I say musingly, Taehyung choking on air as Jimin holds back a smile.

‘Good idea. Maybe… highlights or ombre rather than the whole head?’ Jimin suggests, and I nod, feeling a little more at ease at not having to take the full plunge. ‘Okay… what colour then?’ Taehyung asks, and I look at all the colours. ‘Um… I don’t know. It’s really difficult,’ I say a little timidly, both boys nodding reassuringly, trying to give me a little more confident. ‘You’re right, it is difficult. How about… two platinum blonde streaks at the front of your hair?’ Taehyung asks, and I nearly choke.

‘Blonde streaks… like an e-girl?’ I ask, and Tae laughs, nodding. ‘It’s on trend, and I think you’ll be able to pull it off really well,’ Tae says thoughtfully, and whilst I’m still not convinced, Jimin nods excitedly. ‘Yes, that’d look amazing! Go on, y/n, you should!’ Jimin urges, eyes locked with mine in the mirror, and I sigh before nodding with a small smile. ‘Why not? Go for it,’ I say, the two of them exchanging a grin.

Before I know it, the front sections of my hair have been bleached and foiled, and a timer has been set for 20 minutes. And Jimin is contemplating dyeing his own hair. ‘I mean, I’ve had black for so long, and I need a change, right? I’ve been wanting to go bright for a while. But do I go a natural bright, or a colourful bright?’ he muses, Tae fake yawning at him in the mirror, coaxing a giggle from me, but Jimin doesn’t notice, too busy inspecting the dye boxes.

‘If it helps, I liked it when you went blond at school. You look nice blond,’ I say, and he looks at me in the mirror with a thoughtful look in his eyes. ‘Bright blond, or platinum blond, or dirty blond?’ he asks, and I think for a moment before answering, ‘bright blond.’ ‘Okay, let’s go bright blond then,’ he says instantly, disappearing off to get a towel from Tae’s airing cupboard.

‘That was… interesting,’ Tae says with a smirk at me in the mirror, and I look back at him confusedly. ‘How so?’ ‘He never takes anyone’s advice when it comes to his hair dye. And he never decides that quick,’ he says, his smirk even wider, but Jimin reappears before I can reply. I try to shake off Tae’s words as Jimin looks for the right box dye.

‘Maybe I should dye my hair too,’ Tae says, looking at his blue locks in the mirror. ‘I like you with brown hair, Tae. I’d like it if you had brown hair at my funeral,’ I say, and his eyes widen slightly at the mention of it again. ‘Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. We should all have natural colours for the funeral, out of respect,’ Jimin says, and I frown. ‘No, I don’t mind if you guys had the craziest colours ever. I just think you look so… classically handsome with brown hair, Tae,’ I say, and he looks smug at my compliment. ‘Okay,’ he grins, reaching for a box dye, Jimin and I exchanging a look in the mirror as he says, ‘guess I’m going brown then.’

‘When did you go brown, Tae? And you blond, Jimin?’ a voice suddenly says, making all three of us jump. There’s a man stood on Taehyung’s front garden, and I remember him as Jung Hoseok from school. He was cute back then, but he’s handsome now with his golden skin and his silky brown hair. ‘About… 90 minutes ago,’ Taehyung says, currently drawing what looks like a heart but could also be an alien, and Hoseok nods as though it’s perfectly normal.

‘Hey, y/n. Your hair looks nice,’ Hoseok says, shooting a heart-shaped smile at me, and I smile back. I’m still not used to my hair being blonde when it falls into my face, but it does look nice – Tae and Jimin did a good job. ‘Hey, Hoseok. Thank you. Tae and Jimin did it.’ ‘Please, call me Hobi. Anyway, how are you?’ he says before wincing, obviously already aware of my situation. Jimin really can’t keep his mouth shut. ‘I’m okay. How are you?’ I ask, and he nods, replying, ‘I’m good. Excited to work on this list.’ ‘Well, get some chalk and get your ass down here to help us,’ Jimin says from where he’s sprawled out on the gravel, drawing a dog (or attempting to, anyway).

We’ve been working on the chalk for just over an hour, listening to music from Taehyung’s speaker that’s sat in the doorway (Coco and Tan have already knocked it over several times whilst they’ve been playing). Bright chalk covers nearly all of Taehyung and Namjoon’s driveway – except for where Tae and Jimin’s cars are – rainbows, flowers, hearts, clouds surrounding us (as well as a bunny, a pineapple, a unicorn, a slice of watermelon and Jimin’s dog).

‘It looks like you’re nearly done,’ Hoseok observes, and I nod, wiping my forehead clean of sweat. ‘Yeah, we are. This isn’t as fun as I thought it was going to be,’ I say frankly, the others all laughing. ‘The fun comes from taking pictures with the chalk,’ Taehyung says, and I get up instantly. ‘Okay, let’s just take pictures and then carry on with the list,’ I say, the three of them laughing again as Jimin and Taehyung get up from the floor.

Taehyung instantly goes into director mode, making me lie down in a gap in the chalk. Jimin stands over me, one foot on either side of my waist, taking pictures on both the camera and his phone whilst Taehyung directs him on how to take them and me on how to pose, Hobi using his phone torch to give us better lighting (it doesn’t make much of a difference, but he’s trying).

I start to feel a little embarrassed, wondering what we must look like to Tae’s neighbours, before I remember that life is short – mine especially – so I should make the most of it without worrying what people think of me. After a few minutes (and a few dozen pictures), I get into it a little more, and the boys all begin hyping me up, Jimin making a few flirty comments here and there.

And then Jimin joins me, Taehyung taking the camera and Hobi directing us (he’s even more… bossy than Taehyung, instructing us down to the simplest things – the positions of our fingers, the direction we look in, the angle of our heads. Everything.)

‘You guys are gonna make her regret asking for help,’ a voice comes from the driveway, all of us looking over to see Namjoon and Jungkook from school stood there, leaning against the Jimin’s car. ‘Watch the car!’ Jimin exclaims, both of them heading over. ‘Just for the record, I didn’t ask for help. Jimin forc- I mean, Jimin volunteered his help,’ I say, correcting myself when he shoots me a dirty look, the others laughing.

‘It’s good to see you guys again. Did you walk here?’ I ask, and Namjoon nods. ‘It’s good to see you too. Jungkook picked me up from work, and then we dropped his car off and walked here. We all live really close to each other. Jimin, Jungkook and Hobi live on the road up there, and Jin and Yoongi live on the road down that way,’ Namjoon points, and I nod, thinking how sweet it is that they all live so close together.

‘JK, the blue’s gonna have to go,’ Tae says to the baby of their group. He’s changed more than all of them; he still has his big eyes and his cute bunny teeth, but that’s where the similarities end. He’s so handsome, and his body is lean and tall. Not as tall as Namjoon, though; he always was tall, but he’s grown even more now, and he’s gorgeous, with his dimples and blond hair. It’s like only beautiful people are allowed in their friendship group.

‘What?’ Jungkook asks, confused, his eyes wide. ‘You need to dye your hair brown again,’ Tae says, Jungkook frowning. ‘Why? I’ve only been blue for a couple days. Don’t you like it?’ ‘It looks great, but we’re all going natural out of respect, for y/n’s funeral,’ Jimin says casually, Jungkook choking and Namjoon slapping his back with wide eyes. ‘Jimin. You can’t just drop it in like that,’ Hobi reprimands, but I wave it off. ‘It’s fine, I’d prefer if we just spoke about it normally. Anyway, you don’t have to go brown, Jungkook, it’s okay,’ I say, Jungkook nodding, still looking a little shell-shocked.

‘Can we get up now?’ I say to Hobi from where I’m lying on the floor, shoulder-to-shoulder with Jimin, and he shakes his head. ‘If you want to make a scrapbook, you can’t just have pictures of you and Jimin in it. You need to get pictures with all of us,’ he says simply, and I bite my tongue, knowing I’ll just have to suck it up. Twenty minutes later, I’ve taken several pictures with all of the boys, and it was a little fun, I guess. We’ll have run out of film by the end of the day at this rate.

But my head’s starting to hurt a little, and I know I can’t take anymore. ‘Can we stop now? I’ve got a bit of a headache,’ I say, sitting up, and they all look a little worried. ‘Is it from being under the sun for so long?’ Hobi asks, nervously, but Tae speaks before I can reply; ‘no, it’s probably the hair dye.’ Jimin looks at them both incredulously. ‘I think it’s the tumour in her brain,’ he says slowly, and I can’t help but share his exasperation at their stupid suggestions, the boys all falling into a shocked silence as Jimin looks to me with thinly-veiled amusement.

‘Yeah, I think you’re right, Jimin, it probably is,’ I say, holding back a laugh. ‘Do you want some painkillers?’ Tae asks weakly, and I smile, shaking my head. ‘I’m okay, thanks. I might just have a little lie-down, if that’s okay?’ I ask, Tae nodding straight away. ‘I’ll show you to one of the guest rooms and you can have a shower, or a nap, if you want?’ Tae suggests as Hobi and Jimin help me up, my head dizzy and light, and I nod. ‘That sounds perfect.’

I blink in the slices of soft sunlight that fall between the blinds onto the bed, sitting up carefully. My head feels a lot better after that nap, which was the best nap of my life, by the way. Tae and Joon must be seriously rich, because this bed is the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in. And the room is super lavish, monochrome and clean, with a deep carpet and expensive looking furnishings. The bathroom was nice too, and I dragged out my shower a lot longer than usual, my skin smelling fresh with Tae and Namjoon’s expensive passionfruit body wash.

I slowly climb out of the bed, looking at myself in the floor to ceiling mirror on the wall opposite me. I still can’t get used to the hair, but it does look good. Tae has good taste, and he and Jimin put the dye in really well – the front sections of my hair are the perfect vibrant blonde. Tae put all these different haircare products in it after he washed out the dye, and it feels healthier than ever before. It’s obvious he’s dyed his hair plenty, because he’s clearly an expert. He could be a hairdresser if he wanted to.

I open my suitcase and get out a bralet to put on (my pyjamas are satin, and I’d rather not have my nipples visible through them in a room full of childhood friends I haven’t seen for years) and put it on beneath my black button-up pyjama shirt. I quickly splash some water over my face to wake myself up a little before I head downstairs, following the loud voices that lead me into the kitchen. Namjoon’s stood at the counter, making coffee, Jungkook, Jimin, Tae and Hobi sat around the breakfast bar with two new arrivals; Yoongi, and Seokjin. Seokjin literally hasn’t aged a day, and he’s somehow even more handsome than he was back then, with his plump lips and swept back dark hair.

‘Sleeping beauty awakes!’ Jimin exclaims when he sees me walk in, and I smile softly, still a little sleepy. His blond hair really does look good, the perfect summer colour, and Tae’s looks really good too – the dark brown locks make him look like a model. ‘y/n! They were right, you really are gorgeous!’ Jin exclaims, jumping up and pulling me into a hug, and I try to supress the embarrassment I’m feeling at them talking about me, and telling Jin I’m gorgeous. One thing I remember about Jin was that he never used to feel embarrassed, at anything. Sometimes he’d get a little shy, and his ears would go red, but he’d never hesitate to do something, even if it was embarrassing, if it would help to ease any awkwardness and make people feel comfortable.

His hugging me, despite us barely speaking when we went to school together and not having seen each other for years, is just what I need, and a perfect example of how kind Jin is.

‘Thanks, Jin, but look at you! You’re really handsome,’ I say honestly, feeling at ease after his hug, and he grins at me. ‘You didn’t call me handsome, y/n, but you called Tae and Jin handsome,’ Jimin pouts, and I roll my eyes at him. ‘She knows Tae and I are the best-looking, that’s why,’ Jin says, and Jimin scowls at him before looking back at me, still waiting for an answer. ‘Just because I didn’t say it out loud, doesn’t mean I didn’t think it,’ I say matter-of-factly, and he grins proudly. ‘What about the rest of us?’ Hobi asks, all of them flashing smiles at me, and I blink a few times. ‘You’re all handsome. Now stop smiling at me before I faint,’ I say, all of them laughing.

‘Coffee, y/n?’ Namjoon asks, but I shake my head. ‘I’m trying to cut down on my caffeine intake. Thanks, though,’ I say, and Jimin frowns. ‘y/n, it’s not like it matters,’ Jimin says, everyone wincing, and I laugh, nodding in agreement. ‘You’re right. I will have some, please, Namjoon,’ I say, everyone laughing again as Namjoon nods with a smile, getting another mug out for me. ‘Sit down, y/n,’ Tae says, patting the empty seat between him and Jungkook, and I sit in it, feeling a little self-conscious. I’m in my pyjamas, with no makeup and slight bedhead, and they’re all just… so handsome.

‘What do you guys do? For you all to be at home at… 5.38 on a Wednesday?’ I say, reading the time on the clock. I have all of the boys on social media, so I vaguely know some of what goes on in their lives, but not much. It’s hard to keep track of everyone from school. ‘Um, I own my own photography business. We do photography for weddings, parties, photo shoots, etc. and we’ve had some pretty high-profile clients, so we’re quite successful. And I do some art on the side, and some of my paintings have sold well, hence the fancy house. I get to work from home most of the time, because I mainly do editing – I’ve hired photographers, but I do a couple weddings here and there,’ Tae says, and I’m impressed, though not surprised. Tae always did have a talent for art, and he was the photographer for the school newspaper, so this career is perfect for him.

‘I own my own dance studio, and we only open on Monday and Tuesday 6-9, Thursday 3-6, and then Saturdays and Sundays,’ Hoseok says and, again, I’m not surprised; Hoseok always loved his dancing and he put more effort into dance than into his school work, but I guess it paid off.

‘I work for Hobi and Tae. I teach classes every day that it’s open, and then I do some photography work every couple weeks. And I do some shifts here and there at a tattoo shop,’ Jungkook says, and I think it’s really cute that he works for his friends, though I wonder if it sparks any arguments between them. I look at Jimin when Jungkook mentions the tattoo shop, and Jimin grins with a little nod, my stomach turning. Obviously, he was referring to where Jungkook works when he said he knew the perfect place for me to get a tattoo.

‘I do all the finances and admin and paperwork for Tae and Hobi, and I work for a small record label, producing and rapping,’ Namjoon says as he puts my coffee down in front of me, and I thank him with a smile, quite surprised to hear Namjoon’s career choice. To be fair, Namjoon excelled in all of his subjects, so he’d be good at whatever he chose to do.

‘I’m a part-time chef at this restaurant in the city, and I’m also studying to become an actor,’ Jin says, and I’m impressed. I didn’t know Jin was interested in cooking or in acting, but now that I look at him, he really does look like an actor, and I could imagine him as a chef too, with one of those big white hats.

‘I’m a barista, as you know, I teach a couple piano lessons a week, and I do some rapping and producing at the same company as Namjoon,’ Yoongi explains, and I remember how good he was at piano. He was chosen to play at one of these awards’ evenings we had at school, and we were all so impressed at how good he was. Rapping, though? I never knew he could rap.

Everyone looks at Jimin to answer, but he looks back blankly before saying, ‘I already told her my job.’ They all nod before looking back at me. ‘What do you do, y/n?’ Jin asks, and I roll my eyes. ‘I work part-time as an assistant at a law firm, and I’m studying to become a lawyer. Or I was anyway,’ I trail off, a little sad that I’ll never be able to do my dream job, and the boys all give me pitying looks. Except for Jimin, who says, ‘damn, y/n, you’re clever. Law student, huh?’ I nod with a smile, and he grins. ‘You could’ve got in on the family businesses, and done all the boring legal shit for us,’ Jimin says, and I grimace, internally endeared at him calling them the family businesses. ‘I’d have passed. Sorry,’ I say, the boys all laughing.

‘Okay, enough chit chat. Let’s carry on with your list,’ Jin says, picking it up from where it sits in the middle of the island, and I take a sip of my coffee. ‘Should I wash the chalk from your driveway?’ I ask Tae and Joon, and they both shake their heads. ‘I was about to, but Jin stopped me. He wants some pictures with you and the chalk,’ Tae says, and I let out a sigh, all them laughing. ‘We’ve literally spent all of our time on the chalk so far. Your four days are gonna fly by,’ I say to Jimin, who waves it off with an easy grin.

‘Stop trying to worry me. Four days is plenty. You go take some pictures with Jin, and Yoongi, while I set up the next thing for us to tick off,’ Jimin says, getting up and pulling me off my seat, pushing me towards the door. ‘Make sure you get plenty of good pictures,’ Jimin says to Tae with a mischievous glance at me, who nods, and I roll my eyes. ‘We’re gonna run out of film,’ I say, but Jimin shakes his head with a grin. ‘I went out whilst you were asleep and got some more supplies, including a few more boxes of film,’ he grins, and I let out a deep sigh as Tae and Jin drag me outside, Yoongi trailing behind, and Jimin waving at us from the doorway.

‘Done with your photoshoot?’ Jimin asks as we walk into the living room. ‘Yes, thank God,’ I say, throwing myself down onto the sofa. ‘Jin, you’re way too demanding. We were out there for forty-five minutes,’ Yoongi says, flopping down next to me, and Jin scowls at us from the doorway. ‘Tae wasn’t getting my angles!’ he exclaims, and Tae’s eyes widen. ‘You’re not blaming this on me. I own a photography business, so don’t accuse me of being a bad photographer,’ Tae says, Jin opening his mouth to speak, but Jimin interrupts; ‘don’t argue. y/n’s dying.’

They go silent, and I burst out laughing as Jimin grins at me. ‘You can’t drop that into every conversation, Jimin,’ I laugh, the others relaxing a little, and Jimin shrugs. ‘I can. Just watch. Anyway, before you get comfy, we need to go into the dining room,’ he says vaguely with a knowing grin, and I narrow my eyes at him. ‘I don’t want to, because of that look on your face,’ I say suspiciously, and he laughs. ‘Come on, y/n, we gotta tick the next thing off your list,’ Jimin says amusedly, holding a hand out to me, and I take it after a moment of hesitation, letting him pull me up. He doesn’t let go of my hand, dragging me behind him into the dining room, and it takes a little while for me to register what’s going on.

The table is set up with these different machines, and Jungkook sits at the table with an empty seat beside him, a lamp set up to cast a bright light onto the empty chair. And then I spot the little book on the table, sat beside a bunch of needles lined up on a small white sheet.

Jungkook’s about to give me a tattoo.

‘Oh, hell no,’ I say, turning around, but Jimin grabs me around the waist before I can walk away, picking me up and carrying me over to the door as I struggle around in his arms, the other boys watching amusedly. But Jimin’s freakishly strong, and my struggling doesn’t work. He puts me down in the empty chair, and I pout at him before looking around at the others. Tae, Jin and Yoongi are stood in one doorway, blocking it, and Namjoon and Hobi stand in the other, blocking that too. I literally cannot leave, and when I look down at the needles, my stomach turns.

‘Do you want to look through the book?’ Jungkook asks gently, and I sigh. ‘Not really,’ I say, all of them laughing as he hands me the book, and I flip through it. ‘Can you all stop looking at me? Or at least put on some music so I don’t feel so tense,’ I say, more laughter rippling around the room as Taehyung gets his phone out of his pocket and taps the screen a couple times, gentle RnB music floating out into the room from the ceiling. They must have a built-in sound system – their house really is boujee.

I scan the book and some of the designs are cute, but none of them really stand out to me. ‘Struggling to choose one?’ Jungkook asks quietly, the others having conversations between themselves, and I nod. He rolls up his sleeve, and shows me the various tattoos that cover his arm and hand. He has a flower, a skeleton hand, the word ‘Truth’, the woozy emoji, a purple heart, a little crown and some black stripes with various numbers and letters on his hand. ‘They all stand for different things. Like, for example, this is the tiger flower, which is my birth flower, and the letters all stand for the guys. So you could get some that are meaningful to you, or you could just get something that you think looks pretty. It’s up to you,’ he says, and I nod, thinking.

I decide on getting my birth flower, a little bolt of lightning and my parents’ initials. ‘Why don’t you get something summer related?’ Jimin suggests softly, and I think before nodding. ‘Like… the sun, or something?’ I ask, and he shrugs. ‘Whatever you want. You could get a picture or a quote, anything you want. It’s up to you, y/n. It’s your body,’ he says, and I nod, thinking about the first idea I had for a tattoo when I wrote that list. ‘How about ‘we’ll always have summer’… or is that silly?’ I ask, and Jungkook shakes his head straight away.

‘Of course it isn’t silly,’ he says, but Jimin looks at me thoughtfully. ‘Who’s we?’ he asks, and I sigh. ‘I don’t know. A general ‘we’, I guess? Like… as bleak as life gets, as boring, as sad, as hard as life is, there’s always the hope, the promise, the excitement of summer. So no matter what happens, we’ll always have summer,’ I explain, Jungkook’s eyes widening, and Jimin nodding at me with a small smile. ‘Wow, that’s so deep, y/n. You’re so clever,’ Jungkook says, and I laugh, waving it off.

‘Have you decided yet?’ Hobi asks, and I nod, feeling a little nervous. ‘I’m getting my birth flower, a bolt of lightning, my parents’ initials, and ‘we’ll always have summer’. What do you think?’ I ask, and Hobi smiles, looking impressed. ‘You’re getting four?’ he asks, and I laugh. ‘Might as well.’ ‘Where do you want them?’ Jungkook asks, and I hesitate. ‘Where does it hurt least?’ ‘Your ass,’ Jimin says with a grin, and I swat at him whilst the others all laugh. ‘The least painful is usually your back, the outside of your arms, the inside of your forearm and the outsides of your thighs. Hands aren’t too bad, and nor are shoulders,’ Jungkook explains.

After a lot of deliberation, we make the decision as a group of where I should have them; birth flower on my inner forearm, my parents’ initials on my right ring finger, the lightning bolt on the side of my ribcage/side-boob, and the quote on the back of my left shoulder. ‘How long will it take, Jungkook?’ I ask as Jungkook sets up all his equipment, the others arguing about what we should have for dinner. ‘Please, call me JK, or Kook, or whatever. And, it shouldn’t take longer than a few hours, because they’re all quite small. The quote will take the longest, and I can usually do quotes in an hour and a half, so I’d say… three hours, maybe three and a half?’ he says, and I feel dread at the thought of being in pain for that long. But it’s fine. I’ll be fine.

‘Are you still not done?’ Taehyung demands as he enters the room, Jungkook’s eyes still fixed on my finger as he sighs. ‘Relax, I’m doing the last one now. I’ll be done in a few minutes,’ he says, and Tae huffs. ‘You’re taking ages. We want to do the next thing on her list.’ ‘Don’t rush me, Tae. Tattooing is an art,’ Jungkook says calmly, Tae rolling his eyes from behind Jungkook’s back, and I hold back a laugh.

It actually wasn’t that painful, surprisingly. The worst thing was having to stay still for so long. He started with my birth flower, and it was fascinating to watch the ink appear on my skin, at first. The fascination soon wore off, and I was itching to move, but I knew I’d just ruin it if I did.

Then he moved onto the quote. I had to tie my hair up into a bun and sit backwards on a chair whilst he did it, and Jimin fed me some of the Chinese food they’d ordered, keeping me entertained with his stupid antics. Jin tried to feed Jungkook, but when he choked Jungkook with a chopstick, Jungkook decided he’d just eat afterwards.

And then he did my lightning bolt. I had to take off my top and unclasp my bra, holding it in place with my arm out of the way so Jungkook could get to my side-boob easily, and I told the boys that none of them could come in whilst he was doing that one, because the bra kept slipping. Jungkook was very professional though, and I can’t even imagine how many boobs he’s seen over his time working as a tattoo artist.

And now he’s doing my fingers. I’m used to the stinging pain now, and I’m very proud of myself for not crying. Tae shows me some funny videos on his phone whilst Jungkook carries on with the tattoo. ‘And… done!’ he exclaims, sitting back in his chair with a sigh. I look at my hand, pleased with how the tattoo looks. ‘Thank you, JK, it’s great.’ ‘No problem. Right… let me give you the aftercare speech,’ he says as he begins to put the weird jelly stuff and a bandage onto my finger. It’s weird how professional he is – I saw him passed out drunk at house parties more times than I can remember, and now he’s giving me tattoos and telling me how to look after them properly.

‘Don’t remove these bandages for 24 hours, and when you do, wash the tattoos, gently, with an unscented soap and water, and pat it dry afterwards. Put on some of this ointment twice a day, if you can, but you don’t need to put on another bandage. Wash them a few times a day, gently, with unscented soap and water, and always pat them dry, and then put on an unscented sensitive skin moisturiser. Obviously, you’re going to tick those things off your bucket list, and I’m sure a couple involve being in the water and sun. We usually advise against being in the water and sun, but obviously, you’re not going to do that, so just don’t be in the sun for too long, and put plasters over them when you go in the water, to try and stop them being infected. It’s not really that big of a deal if they do get infected because…’ ‘I’m dying anyway.’ ‘Yeah, that. So don’t worry about it too much, but just try your best to be careful with them. Oh, and don’t go into hot water, if you can help it. Have cool showers, and not for too long, either. I think that’s it, but if you have any questions, just get my number from Jimin and text or call me. Do you have any questions now?’

‘Only one; would you rather I transferred you the money, or do you want cash?’ ‘y/n, don’t be ridiculous. I’m not charging you,’ he says as though it’s obvious, and I frown. ‘Jungkook.’ ‘No, y/n, I’m not taking money from you.’ ‘Why not? I haven’t got anything else to spend it on, remember? And it’s taken you ages!’ ‘It doesn’t matter. I’m not accepting any money from you, and that’s it. I do free tattoos for the boys all the time – Jimin’s got several from me. Just see it as a gift from an old friend,’ he says simply, with a grin, and I can’t help the small smile on my face. ‘Thank you, JK,’ I say, and he grins even wider, his cute little bunny teeth on display. ‘No problem, y/n.’

‘Are you done now? Can we move on to the next thing?’ Tae says excitedly, Jungkook nodding with a laugh at his eagerness. ‘Come on, then,’ Tae says, grabbing my hand and pulling me up, dragging me out of the dining room. He leads me towards the back door, pushing it open and moving aside to let me out first, and I gasp when I see the garden. ‘I know it’s not that big but it’s the best I could do,’ Jimin says as I slip on the sliders that he puts down on the floor in front of me, stepping out onto the light wood decking.

Tae and Namjoon’s garden is beautiful – it’s obvious at least one of the two loves gardening. The decking has steps down onto the grass which is healthy and neat, a dark, rich green, and there are trees and flowers of all different colours lining the light wood fence that runs around the garden. Fairy lights are strung up around the fence, casting a warm yellow glow across the space and there’s a fire pit in the middle of the garden, a small fire inside it with a garden furniture set placed around it, four armchairs and two two-seaters.

‘Oh, my God, this is great! Did you already have a fire pit?’ I ask Tae who shakes his head. ‘Jimin went out to buy one earlier,’ he says, and I look to Jimin with a frown. ‘You shouldn’t have. Let me give you the money for it,’ I say, and he shakes his head before I even finish speaking. ‘I don’t think so. Come on,’ he says, holding out an arm to me, and I take it with a begrudging smile. He leads me down the decking steps, across the grass to the bonfire and he sits down in an armchair as I sit in the two-seater beside it, Tae and JK following behind, the leftovers of the Chinese food in Jungkook’s hands.

‘Where are the others?’ I ask, and Jimin looks a little sheepish. ‘I, um, went to get supplies when you were sleeping, right? Well, I bought the fire pit, but I forgot all the other stuff,’ he explains, rubbing the back of his neck embarrassedly, and I hold back a laugh. ‘What other stuff?’ I ask, just as Jin and Hobi appear through the back door. ‘The biscuits, the chocolate, the marshmallows, the roasting sticks. Everything else,’ Jin says exasperatedly, the two of them coming to join us.

‘Where are the other two?’ Tae asks as they take their seats, Jin taking a prawn cracker from Jungkook’s lap, the boy shooting him a dirty look. ‘Putting the stuff onto plates for us, because a couple of us are too messy and, apparently, we’ll drop melted marshmallows and chocolate onto the grass and ruin it,’ Hobi says with a roll of his eyes, and I have a feeling he’s quoting Namjoon. ‘Am I wrong, though? There’s still the patch of grass that’s discoloured after Jimin spilled beer on it!’ Namjoon exclaims, holding blankets in his arms, Yoongi following behind with a tray in his hands, paper plates atop the tray. ‘How many times do I have to apologise for ruining your grass before you forget?’ Jimin asks tiredly as Namjoon and Yoongi take their seats, and Namjoon gives him a hard look. ‘As many times as it takes for the grass to return to its proper colour,’ Namjoon says, and I can feel an argument brewing so I quickly change the subject.

‘Shall we get a picture?’ I ask, not realising that another argument is about to start, over who’s going to take the picture. ‘Oh, my God, we’ve been arguing for five minutes! Just let me take the picture!’ Yoongi exclaims (after five minutes of arguing), his annoyance only half-hearted, and I pout. ‘No, Yoongi, I want you in the picture. I want us all in the picture,’ I say, Jin sighing and grabbing his temples before sending Namjoon to ask their nice neighbour, Mr Lee. I feel bad for disturbing him at 9.09pm on a Wednesday, but they insist. It’s more than a little awkward when he starts asking questions and Jimin says with a grin, ‘we’re ticking off y/n’s summer bucket list because she’s got a brain tumour and she’s going to die in a week.’ It’s like he can’t take the pictures quick enough after that, practically sprinting out of the garden once he’s done.

Yoongi gives us all our plates, Jungkook balancing his on one knee whilst he eats his Chinese food, and I feel pretty stupid when all of them instantly know how to put their s’mores together. ‘Have you never had s’mores before?’ Jimin asks, and I shake my head sheepishly. ‘Here, let me show you. You gotta just put a marshmallow on a stick,’ he says, and I copy the way he spears it on the stick. ‘Then you hold it over the fire for a little while, until it goes a bit brown, and then turn it over the other way,’ he says, holding his stick over the fire, and I do the same, turning it the other way once it’s browned a little. ‘And then you get a piece of chocolate and put it on top of a biscuit. And then you put the marshmallow on top of that. And then you put a piece of chocolate on top of the marshmallow, and another biscuit on top of the chocolate. Then you take it off the stick and… you got your s’more!’ he says, holding his s’more up with a flourish. It looks a lot neater than mine, but I’m still proud of myself for managing to not set fire to anything. ‘Just wait a little for it to cool down. Kook learned that the hard way,’ Jimin says pointedly, the other boy pursing his lips embarrassedly as we all laugh.

The sky is still high and light with clouds, though the sun has disappeared over the horizon, the moon a pale white circle against the soft blue. The air is still warm, but not with the humidity of earlier today, a cool tinge to the breeze that glides across my skin. It’s the perfect summer evening, made even better by the light conversations we have and the alcohol that Taehyung brings out for us – Jimin, Yoongi and Jin drink their soju like it’s going out of fashion, Jungkook, Namjoon and Hobi nursing beers instead whilst Tae and I sip on our Malibu and coke (very little Malibu actually in it). The s’mores are amazing, the warm gooey marshmallow, rich melty chocolate and crunchy sweet biscuits a perfect combination – whoever came up with s’mores is an actual genius.

‘Do you want some more s’mores, y/n?’ Hobi asks once my plate is empty, and I groan, the boys all laughing. ‘I think I’ll explode if I have another. I’ve eaten more today than I have in the last week,’ I say, clutching my stomach. ‘I’ll have one, Hobi,’ Jungkook says with a cheeky grin, and Hobi shoots him a glare, no real venom in it. ‘Get yourself one.’ ‘You offered to y/n!’ ‘You’re not dying in a week,’ Hobi says, eyes instantly flitting to me to see if I mind, but I’m already bursting into laughter, my head falling onto Jin’s shoulder which is shaking from his laughter too.

‘Are we terrible for joking about death?’ Jungkook says once we’ve all calmed down, and I sigh. A cold breeze rushes past us, biting at my skin, and I shiver, pulling my blanket closer around me and shuffling forward in my seat so I sit closer to the bonfire. It’s gotten so much cooler so quickly, all of us wrapped up in blankets. ‘What can we do but joke about it? I think I’d cry if we didn’t,’ I say into the silence, the boys all just listening as I stare into the flickering flames, deeply inhaling the smoky scent in the air.

‘It still doesn’t feel real. How do you prepare yourself for death?’ I ask, voice a little shaky, and Jin puts a hand on my shoulder gently. ‘I wish we could tell you, y/n, and make it easier for you, but it will never be easy to see someone of your age die. Old people, who have lived their lives, they can prepare for death. I don’t think you can. And I’m sorry for that, I really am. We all are,’ he says softly, his kind words bringing a sad smile to my face. ‘Thank you. Thank you all, for doing all this today, and Namjoon and Taehyung, for opening your home to me,’ I say, all of them reflecting my sad smile back at me.

‘We’d have done it even if you weren’t dying, y/n. Please, don’t think we’re only doing this because you’re dying. We’ve all known each other since we were kids. And look at all you did for us. We’d have done all of this for you regardless of your health if you asked us to,’ Namjoon says, and I look at him in confusion, wondering what he means. ‘What did I do for all of you?’ ‘We were talking about this whilst you were asleep. Remember when I was riding my bike past your house, and I fell off it?’ Namjoon asks, the others laughing at the mention, and all of a sudden, a memory I didn’t even know I had appears in my mind.

We must’ve been around 7; I don’t remember what I was doing, but I saw Namjoon on the floor outside of my house through the window, clutching onto his knee with his bike beside him. I ran and got the plasters from where they were in one of the kitchen cupboards, and practically sprinted outside. I sat down on the floor beside Namjoon, and there were tears in his eyes, and his knee was bloody. Not knowing that you’re supposed to clean a cut and disinfect it, I’d just put a plaster on for him, and then my parents saw what was going on, and took Namjoon inside to properly clean the cut, me following them in with his bike in my arms, and then they phoned his mum to let her know what had happened. Our school was a tight knit community and all the parents were friends with each other – they all had each other’s phone numbers.

‘How do you remember that?’ I ask, smiling at the memory, and he grins. ‘It’s the first act of kindness I remember experiencing. And it might have been simple, but it taught me to be kind, and do things for people when I didn’t have to, because that’s what you did for me,’ he says, and then all of the boys share the stories of things I did for them over the years we went to school together.

For Jin, I’d lost one of his crayons and then I’d brought in a whole new pack for him. When his mum mentioned it to my parents and thanked them for buying Jin a new pack, they’d had been confused; they hadn’t bought a new set of crayons. I’d taken in one of my own sets for him without telling them. Jin brought it into school every day and shared it with me and only me, and wrote both of our names on the packaging so that everyone would know that they belonged to the both of us.

For Yoongi, I’d recorded his piano performance at the awards’ evening because I’d overheard his mum saying she’d forgotten her video camera at home and didn’t have a smart phone to record it on. I’d sent it to him that night, letting him know why I’d recorded it, and he’d thanked me before showing his mum. I never knew this at the time, but apparently she was so happy that she cried, and made Yoongi give me a present to thank me. I didn’t know that Yoongi was the one who put the thank you card in my locker with a necklace in it a couple weeks later – he’d been too shy to give it to me face to face (I’d been so confused, wondering who was thanking me and for what). I still wear the necklace sometimes – it’s a silver chain with a little butterfly pendant that rests between my collarbones.

For Hobi, I’d spotted a random bag in the school car park, and checked the belongings to see that it was Hobi’s – his wallet had been in there, along with a load of money and some dance clothes. I’d brought it in the next day and gave it to him, and he’d thanked me profusely. What I didn’t know at the time was that his mum had worked multiple jobs in order to fund his dancing, including buying him all that dance gear, and that he’d thought that someone would’ve stolen it all because they were worth a lot, as well as stealing his wallet. But instead, it’d been returned back to him, with everything still in there.

For Taehyung, I’d been the only one to say I liked his drawing, back when we were little kids. It was of a little alien cartoon character, with a heart shaped head (the same thing he’d been drawing in chalk on the driveway earlier), and everyone else laughed at him and called it silly and said it looked nothing like the real cartoon. But when I told him it was nice and that I thought it was really good, it made him want to draw it more, before he started drawing other things too, and his passion for art had been sparked, all because of a little compliment from me when we could barely write our names.

For Jungkook, I’d been helping clean Dahyun’s house after her house party, and I found him passed out in the upstairs bathroom. I got Dahyun to help me get him into my car, drove him home (I knew his address from a party he’d had once), used his house keys to get him in his house, helped him lie down on the sofa, forced him to drink some water and then left a note beside a full bottle of water to letting him know who’d dropped him off at home. And then I’d locked up after myself and posted the keys through the letterbox. His mum had phoned my parents the next day to thank me profusely, and brought over some cupcakes – they were amazing, by the way.

And for Jimin, maybe the most important of them all – I’d done my end-of-year presentation on eating disorders. We had to do the presentations for our language grade, to show that we could speak with fluency and precision and accuracy, and we were told to do it on an interesting topic so that we would be motivated to write an engaging presentation. Almost everyone else did theirs on superficial things, like their hobby or their favourite celebrity. Mine was one of the only serious ones. Everyone had praised mine – I always was good at language – and I got one of the highest two grades (Namjoon and I competed for the top of the class in every lesson we had together). But what I didn’t know was that, thanks to my presentation, Jimin realised he had an eating disorder. He was virtually starving himself, not eating for days at a time, whilst over exercising, because he hated the way his body looked. And because of the helplines and websites I put at the end of the presentation, he sought help, and spoke to his parents about it. He went to the doctor with his mother, and they put him on a diet plan to get him back to being healthy. I helped him to be healthy again.

My eyes are teary when Jimin finishes speaking. I’m so touched that he remembers, that they all remember the acts of kindness I did for them. And whilst Jimin’s was unintentional, it was still so important, and I’m proud of young me for deciding to do her presentation on a serious topic. I’m proud of her for being such a kind person all the time. This truly is karma – I did these nice things for them back then and they’re repaying that kindness back to me when I need it most. And then I realise why Jimin was so desperate to help me – he just wants to help me like I helped him.

‘So, really, y/n, don’t thank us. We owe you,’ Namjoon says, all of them nodding in agreement, and I beam at them, tears beginning to spill down my face. ‘Don’t cry, because you’ll make me cry!’ Jungkook shrieks, all of us laughing as Jin hands me a tissue, and I dab the tears away. ‘God, what’s wrong with me? I never cry this much usually,’ I say embarrassedly, and Jimin grins. ‘Don’t be embarrassed about crying. I think I’d have cried out all of the water in my body if I were you,’ Jimin says, coaxing a laugh from me. ‘Me, too,’ Jungkook says, sniffling a little, and we all burst into laughter when we see that his eyes are full of tears. ‘My God,’ Jin says, his lip curled up in mock disgust, ‘you really are a cry baby.’ ‘Can you blame me?’ Jungkook asks defensively, wiping his eyes, and Jin’s eyes widen. ‘Yes! You’re not the one dying!’ he exclaims, setting the rest of us off again, our laughter carrying in the cool summer air.

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confessionsofaromanticidiot · 3 years

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Lord Voldemort - The reason why you should never ignore red flags in a relationship!

Disclaimer J.K. Rowling please don’t sue me but yes, we did give my ex the nickname of the evil villain from Harry Potter. Let’s call him Jamie. Jamie had every red flag known to man but me stupidly ignored them all as only a deluded emotionally unstable woman can. Again, I look back on this relationship and wonder a few things:

1. How the fuck did it last five years?

2. Why did I put up with so much bullshit?

3. How did I ignore every red flag thrown in my face?

I guess, even though Jamie was a red flag from day one, it was not always bad. Originally when we first start dating, I was actually the one that asked him out. Mistake number one, actually going on this date with the douche bag but as I said it was not always the horrendous shit show our last year together was. We ended up in a relationship for five years, it could not have been that terrible. He did tell me he loved me first, I said it back, but I didn’t really mean it at the time, but I was absolutely obliterated drunk and it just came out of my mouth.

Lesson number one people: NEVER SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT! I have had since Jamie and I’s break up almost two years ago, had at least two men said they love me, but I was not ready probably for good reason I suppose looking back on it now. (Including an extremely sexy French Doctor but we will come back to that train wreck later).

In five years, I faked nearly every orgasm yes, I know guys we aren’t meant to this, sex was not our strong point. I always was a very sexual person, but this battered my sexual confidence in a tiny box, tied an anchor to it and dumped it off a ship somewhere near the Bermuda triangle never to be seen again or so I thought. But he was kind and sweet, so I just sucked it up. I decided that this was a sacrifice I had to make because every other aspect of our relationship was so blissful (I am laughing as I type this). I kind of saw him as a fixer upper, he had a great job, family where AMAZING but lacked something to this day i cannot put my finger on it. He was never satisfied with anything in his life was always pushing for more or looking to others to see what they where doing in order to compare his life? I guess, I made the age old mistake of thinking I could change him. Also mistake number two, if he was never satisfied with the things in his life, why did I think I would be any different?

The point of this section is guess is not to bitch about my ex but to teach people not to ignore all the RED FUCKING FLAGS. You will notice I make this mistake over and over in relationships but to a lesser extent (I’ll get there I promise), but I have also learnt from this relationship to cut and run when it feels wrong because guess what? If it feels wrong, it most likely is wrong and you trust your intuition a little more.

So, some examples of Jamie’s glaring RED FLAGS, that I made excuses for

1. First night he met my best friend, we went to a night club and he hit on another girl in front of us and when I confronted him, he left us there.

2. Suffered with Anxiety, not saying that this a red flag as I suffer too but he had a dependency on alcohol to get through social events but more often than not got completely obliviated. Which meant some of the things he said or did to me when drunk where forgotten about and therefore ignored or I was told it didn’t happen that he would never do such a thing because he loved me.

3. I have PCOS (Yes, I know I am barrel of laughs right), at one stage when I was 27, I was told I could not have children (Which also turned out to be a misdiagnoses). I was devastated it was as though part of me died but he ignored and went drinking. Came home locked and woke me up had a massive argument after I had spent the best part of a day crying as though someone died. He did not seem to care.

4. I was on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and I couldn’t really drink but yet dragged me to the pub every time and or was dubbed BORING because I didn’t want to go.

5. SEX became non-existent (Not that it was that great anyway but.._). Mainly due to the fact he was getting it from somewhere else for the last 7 months of our relationship.

6. Our last valentine day together, he used his brother as excuse to go have a night out with the other me in a hotel. Sidebar Jamie’s brother suffered with mental illness and used the fact that if something was to happen to him on our wedding day (Thank Christ that never happened), I would tell him to help him to go to cheat on me the sick bastard.

7. Point above continued, the kicker the Friday after I covered his room with tea lights and tried to make it romantic because we missed valentine’s day. He came home drunk (Feel the trend) and had a massive argument with me. Gut punch hadn’t even written my Valentine’s day card three days after the actual day!

8. When we EVENTUALLY broke up, he compared me to sturdy house, that’s amazing but how do you know you want that house and not the house next door! (Rolling my eyes as I type this)

If I look back on it now, point one with my emotional maturity I would have told him to Fuck right off and never see him again. Right but I was 25, had been cheated on before so was emotionally vulnerable. I was stupid, I left that relationship with a lack of self confidence and he was cute so I looked past a lot. As we got older, we changed and became really different people but neither of us recognized it. Well, we did but neither of us wanted to be the bad guy, so it got ignored for another year.

Now, I am not excusing the fact I ignored it too, I should have cut and run on one of the above points not allowing it get to points 6 through 8 and there were others also not mentioned. But when you are in relationship that you are constantly making excuses for people’s behavior, it becomes your default. Never do this, never let something in a relationship become a default behavior. Due to the fact someone’s bad behavior becomes normalized, you begin to believe this is just the way we are but guess what it is not how you are!!

Also, I had my part to play, I am not angel let’s be honest a relationship does not go to shit from one person being a dick head. It takes two Tango! I gave up trying to have sex with him and bought a vibrator. It gave me more orgasms anyway. When I stopped trying bar once or twice, he didn’t even try. He will never admit it, but he stopped being attracted to me physically, to be honest I don’t blame him for it. I was put on two courses of steroids prior to starting the HRT, I got to my heaviest weight and my own mental health started to decline. I would not look in mirror and who wants to be with someone that is constantly jabbing themselves with needles or crying because your jeans don’t fit anymore. Plus, I am not going to sugar coat this in any way I was an absolute CUNT on HRT. Mood swings alone was enough to make some of my family members stay clear never mind anyone else.

Does this excuse in anyway what he did? Of course not, but if I was the person I am today, point one might have given a second chance not to be himself basically and when that eventually happened, I would have left. Now, at one point I was so duped that I had a life planned for us but again as we got older our plans became very drastically different. Personally, my own life experiences made me want different things and I went through a lot of stuff that no person not just a woman should go through in their lifetime. But I matured much quicker even than some of my friends, so we were naturally at odds.

When we eventually broke up again it never really was a final argument either, I just knew I never wanted to see him ever. I realized that I cried once and it was more out of anger that he had used his depressed brother as an excuse to cheat on me. That was all that annoyed me about the entire thing, when I finally removed myself from the situation, I felt like I could breathe again.

Learning out comes, never ignore red flags, or try to identify them enough in the relationship which can be hard to do because of the honeymoon phase. Never make excuse for someone’s bad behaviors, let them live with the consequences. Be the bad guy, if you are not feeling a relationship anymore, for god sake leave before someone gets hurt. To be honest, Jamie gifted me a get out of jail card by cheating on me to leave without acknowledging part of the fault it was all on him. But no, I gave up too the cheating was just the golden ticket I needed to get out of a toxic relationship. Never allow your emotions to be manipulated, in the manner I did it took a very long time after this relationship for me to actually fully and wholly trust a man with my heart.

It’s sad really, that it came to this. If one of us had of been braver there would not have been so much damage not caused at all. But I guess my experience and reflection has brought me to you, my only hope is by documenting my mistakes, some of you may not go down the same path.

#relationship #emotional health #maturity #loveyourself #emotional growth #healthy relationships

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naughtynutboy · 4 years

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(tw: don't read this if you get a lot of anxiety around existential stuff, this is just a post of me ranting about time and adulthood and life and shit so be warned)

everyone's always talking about the inevitablility of death, but what about the inevitability of age?????

like i'm gonna be 18, a legal adult, later this year in october. even though my brain, the voice inside my head, feels the exact same as when i was 13. i have wildly different opinions and thoughts and feelings than when i was 13, but that's about the only difference.

and like, even in the grand scheme of things, 18 is still super young. i'm still baby! and i will probably be baby until i'm like 30. but these numbers are so abstract that my brain can't even grasp the thought that one day i will be 30. it seems so impossible and far off but nobody ever prepared me for the fact that as you get older, time goes faster.

when you are 2 years old, one year is literally half your entire lifespan up until that point. that's why when you're a little kid, years seem like such a long span of time. but as you get older and 2 years turns to 4 turns to 8 turns to 16, one year starts to seem like a shorter and shorter span of time. like time itself is literally speeding up. that's fucking terrifying to me

i am not prepared for adulthood. like i said, my mind is still the same as it was when i was 13. i can't drive. i don't have a job. and most of all, i don't even know what i'm going to do or where to start to become independent. most kids my age right now have a college picked out and a plan for at least that, but i don't. i want to go to college in theory, i want to get a higher education and be smart and make my family proud. but i have no idea what the fuck i want to do for a career and i can barely even pass junior year right now, so i feel like sending me off to college would be a waste and i would end up dropping out from the stress. but i also don't want to not go to college.

idk. in my mind there's this idyllic life that i have planned of me and a wife and kids and lots of pets in a suburban house living the "american dream" but i have no idea how to get there, especially because of all the dumb shit going on in the world. i also have a chronic illness that i could very well die of, diet restrictions based around both that chronic illness and sensory issues, and crippling social anxiety. right now in my life, my social anxiety is far from crippling but i'm afraid that as soon as i leave school i'm going to be all alone because idk how to make new friends??? i dont know how i even made the friends that i have right now in the first place

i can accept the inevitability of death. that's easy, it happens to all of us and we have no control over when and how it happens. but we do have control over our lives as we age and grow up, and that's just not a responsibility that i'm ready for. i can't trust myself not to fuck my life all up because i have no idea what i'm doing or how anything works. it feels like someone's about to throw me head first into a lake and i don't even know how to hold my breath let alone swim

and then when you turn 18, everything you do is put into a different context. if i make a mistake at 17, i'm still a minor and i'm still learning. but if i make a mistake at 18, i'm a "grown-ass adult" who should know better. i don't know anything about anything. i learned how to tie my own shoes in like 7th grade because everyone just expected me to know how but never bothered to actually teach me!

idk this is just me rambling about being scared of being an adult. my birthday this year literally feels like a dentist appointment, that's how much i'm dreading it. and i'm sure this is a common feeling and that it won't be as bad as i think it will, but i can't help how i feel about it rn i guess

#m wont shut up #i just be Thinkin i guess #i've literally had nightmares about being a senior lmao

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parkerparts · 5 years

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witchy witch, won’t you grant my wish?

Parkner Halloween Week Day 3: Witches, Magic, “Were you always able to do that?”

i was going to write a fic for today, but i didn’t have the time, so have a hc list (it’s really just a whole plot in bullet point form please read)

villager!harley x witch!peter

abbie is desperately ill, and no doctor can cure her

harley blows up at their mother, scared that the treatments are doing more to damage abbie’s health than to cure her

he storms to mj’s house, and after ranting to her, she tells him a story

“the forest is sentient. if it likes you, it will reward you and help you find what you need. if it dislikes you, you’ll die. it’s full of the stuff of fairytales - nightmares and fantasies alike”

“like what?” harley asks

“a fountain of youth, probably. magical herbs, elusive spices. maybe a gnome or dwarf or something with magical healing powers.”

harley leaps up, scaring mj, and says, “i know what i have to do.”

later that night, he sneaks out with a packed bag and goes into the forest, hoping to find something, anything, that will cure abbie

he’s been lost in the forest for about a week, and his supplies are running out, and he thinks that the forest dislikes him, and this is how he dies

but then he stumbles across a clearing

more specifically, a cottage in the clearing

harley stumbles up to the door and begins to knock, but before he can, the door is yanked open

revealing the most stunning boy harley has ever met

“who are you? how did you find me?”

harley stutters, “i’m harley, from rose hill. i was wandering around the forest, and i just happened to find your house.”

the boy looks at him for a long time, an unreadable expression on his face, but eventually he opens the door wider and gestures for harley to come in

“the forest doesn’t just let anybody find me. what makes you so special, village boy?”

rude, harley thinks, but he keeps it to himself because there’s a pretty forest person inviting him into his house, and he really doesn’t want to screw that up

“i don’t know.”

peter scoffs, gesturing in the direction of a chair as he busied himself making tea

“what are you doing in the forest in the first place?”

harley swallows hard and says, “it’s my sister. she’s sick, and i was hoping i could find something in the forest that would cure her.”

peter studies him for a long moment before saying, “i think you’ve come to the wrong place.”

“the forest led me here, and i don’t think the forest makes mistakes.”

peter looks away, but not before harley sees the hurt shining in his eyes

over tea, they talk

harley learns that peter is a witch

he meets peter’s pet/familiar, a giant spider named ned, who’s giant and scary but actually a cuddle bear

peter trained under his uncle until he died in a tragic accident, killed by his own magic

his aunt wanted nothing to do with magic after that, so she banished peter, and peter took refuge in the woods

“i’ve been out here for three years now. i’m trying to teach myself magic with uncle ben’s books, but it’s hard, you know? and i’m scared i’m going to end up like him.”

by the time the sun is setting and the kettle is empty, harley asks, “so can you help me?”

and peter, with the trace of a sad smile on his face, replies, “i can try.”

the forest doesn’t let them leave for two months

in that time, peter trains with harley’s help

harley grows increasingly worried about abbie, but he trusts peter, and he trusts the forest, so he stays, hoping she won’t be dead by the time they return to rose hill

harley and peter also get to know each other really well

peter hasn’t seen another person in three years, and he has a lot to talk about, and harley’s fascinated by his stories

harley also doesn’t have many friends, other than mj and his sister, and he relishes in the fact that he and peter get along really well

he buries the growing crush he has on the witch

he’s never done well with emotions, and he tends to mess up the few relationships he has with other people, both platonic and romantic

he can’t afford to mess up whatever it is he has with peter, not when peter is his only chance of curing abbie

one night, on a full moon, a werewolf stumbles into the clearing

“it’s fine,” peter says. “the enchantments around the house should hold up.”

but then a noise alerts peter, and they realize that ned was outside, and the werewolf is advancing on him

“no!” peter screams, running out the door, ignoring harley’s panicked cries. “don’t touch him!”

with a surge of magic, peter curses the werewolf back into the forest and strengthens the enchantments surrounding the clearing

harley stands in the doorway and watches as peter picks up ned with shaking arms

“were you always able to do that?”

peter looks up at with shining eyes and says, “no”

a couple of weeks later, peter says he’s ready, and the forest lets them out

they take some food and water and head back to rose hill, following the path the forest gives them

one night, harley’s unable to sleep, and judging by the amount of movement coming from peter, he knows the other boy is lying awake too

“harley?”

“yeah?”

“i was reading in one of the books that magic, good magic, is strengthened by love.”

“makes sense. love is a really strong emotion, harley replies, trying to keep his voice from shaking

“i think my magic has been a lot stronger since you came.”

“it definitely has. you’ve improved.”

“harley,” peter says softly, sitting up.

harley sits up too, looking at peter with soft, scared eyes. “peter.”

“i think i’m in love with you.”

that night, under the stars, they share a kiss, full of pining and fear and hope

and maybe love

the next day, the arrive in rose hill, and harley’s so nervous that he’s practically sprinting towards his house, dragging peter alongside him

harley bursts into their house, and there’s abbie, lying on her bed, her golden hair and blowing face reduced to a grey pallor

their mother sits beside her, crying, but she looks up when the door slams open

“harley?”

“mama,” harley says, and he’s almost crying too, comforted by a gentle squeeze of peter’s hand, “mama, it’s me, and i’ve brought help.”

“i thought you died! i thought that one of my children died in the forest and the other one is dying right before my eyes.”

“mama, it’s okay,” harley says, and he’s definitely crying now. “this is peter. he’s a witch, he’s going to help us.”

his mother steps aside, and peter gets to work

when the spell finishes, abbie gasps, and her bright blue eyes blink open as a golden light fills her and spreads through her body

harley hears his mother’s choked-up cheer, and his heart lifts, but then peter collapses

“peter!” harley shreiks, catching the boy in his arms. “peter!”

peter cracks open his eyes and smiles faintly up at harley

“i did what had to be done.”

“you traded your life for hers,” harley whispers through his tears. “peter, you idiot.”

“it was the only way i could guarantee her life.”

“but i can’t lose you too.”

peter chokes out a laugh. “you’ll be okay.”

“peter,” harley says softly.

“i love you, harley.”

the light goes out in peter’s eyes, and harley cries

“peter, i love you,” he whispers, pressing a soft kiss to peter’s lips

then all of a sudden, like magic - no, it is magic - a golden light washes over peter’s body, just like abbie, and peter gasps awake, back from the dead

“harley!” he cries out, and harley is too amazed, too dumbfounded by what just happened to even say anything back.

“it’s me,” he eventually whispers. “it’s me.”

#parkner halloween week 2019 #peter parker #harley keener #parkner #harleypeter #abbie keener #ned leeds #michelle jones #parkner au #fluff #light angst #bella writes #bella headcanons

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wyrdify · 4 years

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@alchemic-elric: 9. Why did you join the Tumblr RPC initially? What did you want?

Want Meme for the Muns | Currently accepting.

What it really boils down to is this: I missed writing with other people. Way back in 2012, after I had been RPing online for probably close to five years, I just wanted to write with people. Alas, the forums I used to be a part of were dead, and I burned bridges with some of my RP partners in 2011. The blame there can be almost evenly split. I was dealing with a lot at the time, and projected a lot of my feelings out onto my partners. I wasn’t very fair to them.

Putting this under a cut because it gets a bit sad.

In April of 2011, in the second half of my junior year at college, I found out my paternal grandmother had stage four lung cancer. I always had a really strong and close relationship with my grandmother: she was the one who got me into reading, and gave me solace away from my emotionally abusive family. She was a person who loved unconditionally, and it showed in everything she did. Her house was basically my second home.

April 8th, 2011, at 7:20PM - that’s when I found out. When it comes to things like that, I remember dates and times super well. She wouldn’t live past Christmas was the prognosis (and she ended up dying on December 24 at 11:50AM as we were on our way to see her). Between that, and knowing my boyfriend (now husband) was on the other side of the country and couldn’t be there for me, hurt like hell.

Grieving happens in different ways depending on several factors. When I lost my uncle, my dad’s brother, in 2005 (September 29th, 6:20PM), it was sudden, and unexpected on my part. I was fifteen, and all I knew was that the person I considered more of a father to me than my biological one wasn’t there anymore. I grieved for a while after that, and it took me years to reach a point where I could sing along to Wake Me Up When September Ends without breaking down in tears (it played a lot on the radio at the time, and I was a Green Day fan). When it came to my grandmother, I did a lot of grieving before she actually died.

And that led to me being pretty emotionally unstable, which combined really well with my mentally illnesses that were currently untreated, and made worse by my living situation. I won’t excuse how I acted towards my friends then. I wasn’t nice, and I expected a lot from them. I was flaky, closed off, angry, and I had no idea what to do with myself. So, I took it out on them. I took a break from RPing that year, and focused primarily on college, and my family.

In early 2012, after I lost my grandmother, I felt that “something’s missing” feeling. I knew it was partly because of losing her, but I also missed having an outlet for my emotions. I needed to get my grief out because, honestly, I felt like I was suffocating. So, I made a tumblr RP blog for Zexion of Kingdom Hearts, and decided to give it a try. I promised myself I would be better, and not let myself make the same mistakes. I met a lot of fantastic people through the KH RPing community by doing that, and I got to actually deal with my emotions.

That’s not to say I didn’t have my ups and downs. I came and went from RPing quite a bit, especially in late 2012 when I had my Big Mental Breakdown(TM) from losing my teaching internship. I was suicidal from all the stress I was under: learning to teach five days a week, taking another class on top of that where I had to teach ESL two days a week, my (still) abusive home situation, and financial struggles. While I’m thankful I learned that I didn’t want to teach, it was still incredibly hard to go through. So, my writing went back on hold for a bit while I tried to put myself back together.

2013-14 is when things started getting better. I moved out of my parents’ house, started going to therapy every week, and started finally understanding more about my own mental health. I started learning coping mechanisms, and I had the space to breathe again. Time continued on, and I started getting physically and mentally better--not perfect, but a lot better. Still came and went from the KH RPing community since some of it was honestly toxic, and sometimes I just needed a break, but I always came back because of one thing: I loved writing.

I’ll always love writing. I loved writing since I was in middle school. And, as time marched on, I noticed my writing improving. That, and I loved writing with other people. I loved seeing how they interpreted their characters, how they interacted with mine, and all of the various ideas we could come up with. Writing gives me so much joy while also allowing me to emotionally process things, and learn more about myself, others, and the world around me. Fun fact: I learned about my gender through writing.

And through tons of research because I had no idea there were other genders out there.

TLDR: I missed writing with other people, so I threw myself back into it during the last semester of my undergrad college career, and I’ve stuck around, more or less, since then.

#alchemicelric #thewriter; answers #thewriter; promptedanswers #death mention tw #suicide mention tw #abuse tw #[ this got predictably long ]

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