#i tried it for years it just wore me out and i can’t rn

[janiedean]

bro honestly i had to say it.... referring to the israeli occupation of palestine as israel/palestine DISCOURSE is very... improper. from a political, historical and maybe even humanitarian standpoint. you're not obligated to, but i suggest you read something from pappè/khalidi/said/kadman <3 it's important in this day and age to be educated on this matter

anon thank you for the recs which I will check out because I’m interested in reading on the topic in general (I read said in university btw I’m not completely out of touch) but like…. I wasn’t talking about THAT ^^’

the post in question was about the whole k*ndrick vs dr*ke debate and I will absolutely call it discourse when it’s 6k notes of people arguing in a circle while not giving a single source for us foreigners who are not familiar with the topic not being us american or not into rap music, i never heard a song from either bc it’s not on my radar and i’d appreciate a source which isn’t saying if you aren’t familiar with that music scene you have a bias (like i don’t listen to rap music bc 99% of rappers sing fast and I’m esl and I can’t follow it, I do listen to some italian rap so…..:…)

and for that matter i spotted the terf bc she said she was allowed in disliking the whole genre bc misogyny so like… next time ask first what it was about if you’re concerned about it instead of presuming? like sorry swear this isnt meant to be passive aggressive but i wouldn’t refer to the the isra*l/p*lestine question as discourse at any point bc i think it’s the most complicated sociopolitical situation in existence atm which requires more nuance and knowledge to discuss on main than I ever have had or will ever, and I don’t think people getting killed nonsensically at that level is discourse nor I ever did, so again thanks for the recs and I’ll see to check them out but like I wasn’t talking abt it in the first place

#ask post #anonymous #and i’m not gonna discuss either thing on main anyway either #i don’t know enough about either but ik the rap music post at that point was just the usual tumblr fake activism #which is why im p sure discourse was an appropriate word for it #but like if it wasn’t clear my mh right now is rock bottom i don’t feel articulate #i tried it for years it just wore me out and i can’t rn #but like honestly thanks for the recs i didn’t know about #and like again i know k. l. must be a good singer while ik drake was a pos bc he texted teenage girls #and was in that pseudo nazi video with nicki m. which is the ONE thing ik about #so i presume whatever KL is saying is correct but like people eating each other abt it #and bringing BUT YOU LIKE THIS OTHER BAND SO ITS BAD :8/ #into it #imvho is discourse so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[angelst4re]

tattoo!artist!jamie tattooing his full fucking name near as possible to your reader’s cunt (this was one of the prompts listed by someone else and you)

okay so this was and still IS one of my favourite ideas ever. and i really wanted to write and post it tonight so i'm hoping and praying that it doesn't feel rushed at all! although i think i did spend more time searching for this video (below) than i did writing it :( and yes i had to make the gif myself bc i couldn't find it anywhere :')

Good Girl- Tattoo Artist!Jamie x Reader

summary: you lose a bet against jamie...

warnings: jamie and reader are friends with benefits! NSFW! smut, oral (reader receiving), sex toys, briefly mentioned pain kink? (that probably has a name, i'm too tired to think rn!)

note: NOT PROOF READ </3 this fic is super unrealistic, let's just pretend everything that happens here is safe! (i also don't know how tattoos work, i've mentioned this before haha) also it's almost Jamie's birthday :) i might post a super cute fluffy fic for his day :)

As you walked from your car into the tattoo studio, you thought about what led you to this decision. It was such a terrible idea, but you lost a bet after all, you had to do it. 

When you and Jamie were out at a bar, he had made a bet that the bartender would ask for your number. You had told him that was stupid! Clearly the bartender had seen you were with Jamie, he wouldn’t dare ask for your number! Would he? 

He did. And that is what led you into this, all because you lost a bet. 

You sat down in the waiting room, pulling your tiny skirt down as it was barely covering anything- not that anyone would see, the tattoo studio was closed, it was only you and Jamie there. 

“Ah, I see you’re on time.” Jamie says with a smirk, leaning against the door frame. He wore a black t-shirt and had his hair pushed back, a pair of circular glasses resting on his face. 

He motioned for you to follow him as he led you to a room, you picked up your bag and followed him, your heart racing in your chest. 

“I can’t believe you agreed to this,” he chuckled. 

“Well, I can’t say no to a dare, can I? I’m not a pussy.” You tried to act like you weren’t terrified, like your hands weren’t shaking as you slightly bent down and placed your bag on the floor. 

“Whatever you say,” he snickered, “shit there’s no gloves in here… I’ll go and get some from another room. Get yourself comfortable, darling- oh, and you might need to take that pretty thong off.” He added before leaving the room. 

Shit. 

You knew he was going to tattoo somewhere close to your cunt, that’s why he told you to wear a skirt, but you didn’t think it would actually be there. 

Swallowing the last of your dignity, you slipped off your red lace thong, throwing it towards your bag before lying down on the table, adjusting the pillow a few times before you were finally comfortable. 

“Sorry about that, it looks like we need to order some more gloves in,” Jamie said as he returned, shutting the door behind him, “you ready, love?”

You nodded your head, followed by a quiet “yes.” 

He got all the equipment ready before pulling a chair up beside you and lifting your skirt up at an agonisingly slow pace. His (now gloved) thumb rubbed just inches above your clit, and it felt cold, causing your hips to buck slightly, arousal now replacing your anxiety. 

“Baby, I can’t have you moving about whilst I do this, okay? Stay still for me.” 

You have known Jamie for 6 years now, and in that time you had been fucking on and off, in and out of relationships with other people, you’d spend weeks together and then not see each other for months, but one thing was for sure- you were his and he was yours. You would always come back to each other in the end, so you knew you wouldn’t regret this. 

“Are you ready?” He asked one final time, before turning on the damned machine. 

You let out a gasp as you felt the needles working into your skin. You had gotten tattoos before, but none of them had ever felt like this. Although it hurt, you liked it, but you wished you could feel some stimulation on your clit. 

“Jamie,” you whimpered, screwing your eyes shut. 

“Yes, darling?”

“Can you… can you…”

“Can I… what?” He asked, stopping abruptly. As if his patience was running short. That’s when his eyes dropped, focusing on your pulsing heat. “Awhh, was that turning you on, baby?” He mocked. 

You nodded your head in shame, and he just laughed, getting ready to continue. You quickly grasped his wrist, stopping him. 

“Jamie, please, I need-”

“What? What do you need?” 

“Can you touch me?” You asked, growing shy as you realised how desperate you sounded. 

He smirked, placing everything in his hands down on the table beside him, pulling one glove off before spreading your folds with his index and middle finger. 

“Fuck, you’re soaked.” He gasped, running a finger through your folds, before focusing on stroking your clit. 

You threw your head back, you were so worked up already that just his finger on your clit was enough for you to cum, but then he asked you, 

“Did you bring what I asked you to?” 

“I did… it’s in my bag.” 

When he removed his hand from you, you let out a whine, you were so close to your high before he moved, wheeling his chair over to your bag. He chuckled at the sight of your panties, taking them and slipping them into his pocket before pulling the item out of your bag- the baby blue dildo he had bought you. 

He wheeled himself back over to you and without warning, you felt the toy rubbing against your heat. It was soon covered in your slick and Jamie grinned, pushing it inside of you slowly as your nails dug into his wrist. 

“Shit…” You whimpered, “feel so full.” 

“Is that what you needed, darling?” He asked, leaving the toy inside you as he got a clean glove out, “poor little slut.” He chuckled, picking up the tattoo machine again before continuing his work. 

As he spelled out the ‘J’ and ‘A’ of his name, he couldn’t help but watch as your cunt continued to pulse around the toy, your clit begging for stimulation. He held your legs apart, stopping you from rubbing your thighs together like you so desperately wanted. 

He had now spelt out ‘JAMI’ and decided to just spell his first name, he would then give you what you needed. It was driving him mad watching your pretty pussy beg for his attention as he worked above it. 

When the ‘E’ was finally complete, he took off his glasses, wiped down his work and applied something to it, your mind was too fuzzy to think about what it could be. 

It felt like your prayers were answered when you felt his lips wrap around your clit, catching you by surprise. 

“Oh my god!” You whined, your hand coming down to tangle your fingers in his hair. 

He sucked harshly on your clit, needing to see and feel you release. He slowly pulled the toy out of you before pushing it back in, repeating this action until your thighs trembled either side of his face. 

“Fuck! Fuck, I’m gonna… Jamie, please! Can I cum…”

“Of course, baby. You were such a good girl,” he says against your pussy, the two of you felt euphoric, as if you could get high on sexual tension, “cum for me, darling.”

With one harsh suck of your clit between his lips and the feeling of his teeth grazing your sensitive nub, you came with a loud moan. He worked you through it, pulling the toy out of you and placing it on the table beside him, his mouth moving down to ‘clean’ you up. 

As his tongue now prodded against your hole, you felt his nose graze your clit. Your body shuddered at the touch as you were currently extremely sensitive, he loved this. Seeing the reaction it caused, he purposely did it again, a little harder this time, causing you to grab his shoulder and attempt to pull him away. 

“Enough, too much, please…” you babbled, and he placed a kiss on your clit before lifting his head back up, looking you in the eyes and giving you a smile, you smiled back lazily as he stood up, searching the cupboard for something. 

“Would you like to see it?” Jamie asked, handing you a mirror. 

You held the mirror down, noticing the sticky mess that was your cunt, and then the tattoo above it, reading ‘jamie.’ 

“Do you like it?” He asked, in an almost teasing tone. 

“I guess,” you smirked, sitting up. 

“Don’t stand straight up, darling. You’ve been lying down for a while, let me clean you up properly first.” 

You remained seated as he retrieved some wipes from another room. When he returned, he spread your legs again and cleaned up the mess he caused, trying his best not to touch your clit. 

“Wanna come back to my place?” He asked as he cleaned you up, as if this was the most normalest thing that had ever happened. Your eyes were level his crotch as he stood above you, and you noticed he was hard underneath the restriction of his jeans, you tilted your head and gave him an innocent smile. 

“Sounds fun, why not?” You said, standing up and collecting your bag, “only if you plan on giving my underwear back, that shit was expensive.”

#jamie campbell bower #jamie bower #jamie campbell bower smut #jamie bower smut #tattoo artist jamie <3 #jamie bower x reader #jamie campbell bower x reader #jcb

[deathbxnny]

Am off work and had an idea for Yanqing. Based off my favorite Lizzie scene from Black Butler: Book of Atlantic.

It’s shown in his character quest that he’s a little quick to jump to conclusions. He assumed Jingliu was blind because she wore a blindfold. So imagine him with an S/O that he assumes can’t fight because he’s never seen them in a fight. He doesn’t mind protecting them, but he can get worried when he’s away from them for extended periods of time.

His s/o is the sweetest person and a pacifist. They do everything they can to avoid fights, be it talking or just letting the other person do their thing. S/o is not a confrontational person.

So, naturally, Yanqing assumed they couldn’t fight.

This idea scares him when he gets captured for information. When the enemies (Sanctus Medicus) can’t get anything out of him, they try to get his s/o to make him talk.

Everyone just assumes it’ll be easy by Yanqing’s reaction.

Oooooh boy were they wrong.

He and the cultists get a front row seat to s/o kicking ass and taking names.

S/o cries after rescuing Yanqing because they think he’d hate them for the “ugly” abilities they had.

-----♡

A/N: 12 year old me is screaming at this request rn lmaoo. It's been so long since I've seen anyone mention anything Black butler related, so thank you for this request!<33

Content: Established relationship, fluff, mentions of battle, mentions if kidnapping, sfw

Reader has no set pronouns!

((Not fully proofread))

-----♡

Yanqing always loved how much of a pacifist you were. You never caused any trouble and always advocated for peace, even when people wronged you. You never lashed out, never got violent. You were just so calm and collected, it made Yanqing want to protect you at all times, so that no one would ever dare hurt you. You needed to be protected anyways after all. How could you possibly defend yourself on your own?

That alone however made him worried the moment you two were Kidnapped by the crazy cultists. He could handle himself just fine, but he also didn't want to put you in danger by fighting back. He couldn't answer any of the cultists questions anyways, as he couldn't understand them and didn't understand what they wanted from him. Whilst he struggled with dealing with them, you were meanwhile dragged into the room to be questioned too. This angered Yanqing immensely, because he didn't want you to get hurt no matter what.

He tried to get out of his tight restraints to save you, when you decided to finally take this into your own hands. You skillfully fought off the enemies with ease, your moves sharp and precise. Yanqing and some of the cultists next to him were watching you practically beat the hell out of anyone you got your hands on. Eventually, the remaining enemies ran off in panic, realising they've been out matched, as you quickly approach him with worry.

He was absolutely speechless, whilst you hug and cry in his arms, asking him if he found you ugly now that he knew how strong you were. Yanqing snapped out of his amazement then, hugging you back, as he promised that he definitely didn't find you ugly and was in fact even amazed and more in love than he already was with you.

He learned not to jump to conclusions so fast afterwards too and was glad you could protect yourself, even when he wasn't there.

-----♡

A/N: Alright, I hope this was okay! Thank you again for the request!<33

#honkai star rail #honkai star rail fanfic #honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail x you #hsr x reader #hsr yanqing #hsr yanqing x reader #hsr

[ashdreams2023]

Could you do a one shot of Sev comforting his daughter after she had a breakdown? Idk if you’re comfortable doing sh or not but maybe he finds her after she’s done that and he sits with her and is there for her, etc.

If not that’s okay- just one of his comforting her. I’m really struggling rn and Dad Sev also comforts me. Tysm

That’s completely fine sweetie and I hope this helps you and sorry this took long 🥲

TW: SELF HARM

Never

It was the first week of summer and like every school girl you were supposed to enjoy it, being the school for the majority of the year could be suffocating.

Severus had just finished cleaning the plates after lunch, he had a couple of things he wanted to sort out before the middle of summer comes around and time becomes tight.

He knew you went upstairs to your room to finish some summer homework, so the house was pretty quiet.

It was around five in the evening where he decided that it was enough time in your room and you could use a snack with some tea.

He knocked on your door but there was no answer, he figured you might’ve taken a nap and opened the door.

The bed was empty but the messy table is what alarmed him, he immediately called for you then heard your whimpers from the bathroom in your room.

He knocked strongly on the door "Are you hurt? Open the door!"

"No! I can’t!"

"What do you mean you can’t?!" Severus used a wandless, wordless spell and unlocked the bathroom door. His heart sank and his knees felt weak.

There you were, crying on the floor with blood dripping from your slashed wrists.

He dropped down next to you and tried to touch you but you only curled more on yourself and whimpered, the blood has stained your sleeves and it was at that moment that he realized you wore long sleeves for long and never showed your wrists even in the most blazing days of summer.

"Child, what have you done to yourself…" his voice broke.

"Dad I’m….sorry I’m sorry"

Severus swallowed and reached for you again, you let him this time, he picked you up off the floor and sprinted with you in his arms to his room.

He laid you down began working on the slits with skin bending potion and a good chucking of calming drought.

"You—you weren’t meant to see that"

Severus rubbed his face frustrated, he didn’t understand, was it him? Did you do this because he was a terrible parent? He blamed himself, how dare he not notice.

"How long?"

You bit your lip feeling awful, you didn’t want to stress him even more about you "it doesn’t matter—it’s my fault I’m…a failure" severus eyes narrowed, he went down on his knees beside the bed and grabbed your hand onto his own, they felt slightly cold but they meant comfort.

"Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say such thing, you’re my daughter and you’re no failure, I’m the one who should be sorry and not you-"

"But dad-"

"No! I care for you and I failed you by not noticing sooner, I’m supposed to protect you and keep you unharmed and love you, but look at me now….please tell me why you did that?" Tears gathered in the corners of your eyes again, that awful feeling with being choked came back but there was no hiding now.

"Please, I just want my sweet little girl to be happy"

You cried, he squeezed your hand and let you have your time, until you couldn’t cry anymore and you were ready to talk again.

"Will you be disappointed in me?" You asked.

"Never. You could never disappoint, you’re just perfect the way you are, I knew it from the very first moment I held you in my arms"

#severus snape #tw: self harm #severus snape x reader #fanfic #pro severus snape #professor snape #severus snape fluff #snape imagines #tw: mental health #harry potter fandom

[d4adf4iry]

Hii! Im not sure if you take requests rn, but could you do some fluff w Mickey (Scream 2)

Basically the plot is they're going on a double date along with Derek and Sidney and Mickey is somewhat nervous about impressing the reader

Reader can be male or gender neutral! <33

OMG YES FOR SURE TY FOR THE REQUEST!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh come onnn, it’ll be fun I promise!” Sidney said as she dragged you along the campus. “What’ll be fun?” You heard a familiar voice. You turned to see Derek hugging Sidney from behind smiling cheekily. “Well I was just trying to see if y/n wanted to come with us maybe on a double date..” she smiled at Derek hoping that he’d say yes. “Well who would I go with hm?” There was silence in the air besides the students bustling to there classes. “Exactly no one!” You looked at them. “I mean I have no problem with that” Derek said. “Oh cmon are you serious you have to side with Sidney”, he just laughed. “Hmm what about Mickey? I’ve seen him eying you!” she spoke up looking at you with a sly grin. “I’ll think about it… I’m not sure if I like him like that.” You walked away clutching your books in your arms trying not to think about the possibility of Mickey liking you. I mean he was very sweet and very funny , two things you liked in a partner. Maybe he did like you? Maybe he didn’t.. Why were you worried about it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were in your dorm room listing to music softly playing in the background; working on assignments. You get a little beep on your phone. Mickey: it read. You opened your phone to Mickeys text messages

Hey it’s Mickey

Hey!

I heard by Derek and Hallie that there was going to be a double date between Derek and Sid

Oh yeah haha they tried to rope me in with them

Well I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go with me

I set my phone down and started squealing like a six year old.

Yeah ofc!

Great uh I’ll pick you up at 7?

Sounds great talk to you tomorrow!!

Same goodnight y/n!

Goodnight Mickey :)

what the hell. I can’t believe im going on a date with Mickey… do I even like him? Romance is confusing. Welp time to sleep I thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up and got ready meeting Sid and Derek in the library. “Soooo any news from Mickey, with the double date and all?” Sid asked as I slid into one of the comfy chairs. I rolled my eyes. “Yes actually he asked if I wanted to go with him and I said I’d go…” I looked at the table kinda embarrassed. “Oh my god he totally liked you y/n!” She laughed in response. “Well im not so sure if I like him yet.. I mean it’s Mickey” I looked at them with a small frown. “Also I said he’d pick me up at 7, do y’all know where y’all wanna go?” I continued. “Yeah I’ll send you the address!” Sidney said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wore a red velvet dress and some small pumps and light makeup. I grabbed my purse and a light jacket, and walked out the door. Mickey should be here any minute now. I opened the front doors of our dorms and walked outside. It was kinda weird knowing that Cotton Weary was out here and the Ghostface killer was still around, you’d think he’d die by now but nope still prowling. A few minutes passed as you checked your watch, soon enough Mickey rolled up in his car he got out the drivers side and opened your door. You smiled and thanked him as you slid inside. “Do you know where we are going or is it a surprise?” He smiled at you. You hummed a mhm and told him the address. You pulled into a old fashion diner. You got out the car and walked up to front inside hoping to see Sid and Derek, you spotted them sitting across from each other in a booth. You’d think they sat together but they didn’t, I bet they planned it. You said hello to them and sat by Sid while Mickey sat by Derek. A waitress came towards the table with her notepad and pen asking “Do y’all want anything sweeties” you looked at Mickey and he looked back at you then back at the waitress. “Can we get a basket of fries and 2 Millshakes!” he asked. Derek cut him off by “correcting him”. “Uh actually 4 Milkshakes, 2 different checks please”. You looked at Mickey. “Why the fries??” You laughed. Mickey looked at you like he’s been shot in the heart put to bf his hand over his chest. “Are you telling me you’ve never had fries and milkshakes before” he looked at you with a shocked face, you next response would probably have him in a coma. “No… I have not” you looked at him kinda shyly. “Welp im about to change your life Miss L/N” he looked at you with a intense passion. You started blushing a little bit hoping non of them would notice. “Ew guys stop flirting” you heard Sid say. Now you probably looked like a tomato and you started protesting that you and Mickey weren’t, yall wre just talking like normal people. The waitress came back soon after delivering the food to the table, you watched Mickey dip a fry into his milkshake and eat it with satisfaction. “You want to try it?” You nodded. You picked up a fry and dipped it in your own milkshake, you were weary at first and then put it in your mouth. It was actually quite good. “That’s actually really good!” You smiled at him. “Look what I can do” he gave you a sly grin and picked up a cherry from his shake and put it in his mouth. He took the stem off and started moving it in his mouth, “Hold on” he put his finger up and opened his mouth revealing that the cherry stem was tied in a knot. “Wow that’s pretty impressive” he laughed. “I know I’m just that cool!” all you could do was look at him with a smirk on your face. The rest of the night was just everyone passing laughes,telling jokes. updating their lives and feeling comfortable around another. We were departing as we got up to leave the diner. You and Mickey walked back to his car in silence driving out for he parking lot on the way home. You didn’t mind but you wondered what he was thinking. He stopped the car right infront of your wing of the dorms before he came around the car to open the door for you. “Thank you” you smiled at him. “Your welcome, I had a great time tonight thank you for coming” he looked at you shyly before rubbing his neck. “Of course you are quite the gentleman” you swayed back in forth as you looked at him. “I try to be, we’ll I’ll leave you too it goodnight y/n” he walked around the car to the drivers side. “Goodnight lover boy” you smirked as you walked back to your dorm.

(RAHHHH OMG OKAY THIS WAS MY FIRST ONE I DID MY LITTLE SPIN ON IT SORRY IF ITS WEIRD)

#scream #scream 2 #mickey altieri #timothy olyphant #fanfic #writers on tumblr #mickey altieri x reader #scream x yn #scream x you #slashers

[linzsaw]

My Monthly Favs What’s in my cup:

Every morning I drink iced coffee made from my one & only Nespresso machine. The past few months I can’t get enough of the double espresso blend, and then I add a bit of whole milk (happy cows only) and sweet cream. I can’t find anything better from Starbucks or anywhere else. Sometimes if I’m craving a hot drink, I’ll head to Dutch Bros for a hot Carmelizer and it is totally worth the cringy 9 minute forced convo with the DB crew. I also start my day with electrolytes, currently in the watermelon flavor. It’s surprisingly really delicious but I miss the Electrolyte Synergy blend that I was drinking for a long time, which has been sold out for almost a year now. :’)

What’s on my plate:

Dinner lately has been the laziest in America. After our trip, Drew & I either have the same ole chicken, rice and veggies, a spicy “mexican bowl” or some form of pasta, usually with Raos Arriabatta sauce. This week we’ve been stuffing our faces with Trader Joe’s frozen meals. We promise to be better next month, but we are really exhausted and the last thing we feel like planning are meals. However, for the last week of December we actually have some things planned for the holiday weekend. On Friday, we’re hitting up the town as we do every year to walk around and see the lights, and find festive little bars to try out new Christmas cocktails. We plan to spend Christmas with just the two of us. For Christmas Eve we are making our annual corn beef, cabbage and carrots because apparently we are super Irish (confirmed by 23&me which btw leaked all my genes to hackers). On Christmas we are having tri-tip, garlic & butter brussel sprouts, and mashed potatoes. The Christmas cookies we’re making this year include White Chocolate Cherry Shortbread cookies, Peanut Butter Blossoms, & Holly Leaves. Okay and now that I’ve told you all that, the Christmas cocktails we decided on this year are The Mistletoe Kiss (a vodka, soda water, rosemary & cranberry drank) and Bad Santa White Russians. I also heard that Moon X Pinot Noir from Trader Joes was really good and lately the Redvolution just isn’t doing it for me.  Let me know if you want any of these recipes, ladies. I will make sure to find GF, DF, and V options. 

What’s on my bookshelf:

I’ve finished two of the Colleen Hoover books, and now I’m reading another one of hers called Verity. It’s kinda depressing but that’s kinda the vibe as of late so I’m into it. 

What’s in my playlist:

We love the Sia Christmas album. It’s so fun and happy. Believe it or not, Andy introduced me to it lol. It’s so good!! Other songs I’ve been into are I remember everything by Zach Bryan and Kacey Musgraves. It reminds me of a family member rn which is very depressing to me. Fun to cry to. Bubble - STAYC, Surround Sound - JID 21 Savage, Baby Tate, Adora Hills - Doja Cat. 

What I’m up to:

Making our house into a winter wonderland of lights. Watching hella hallmark movies. Being seriously lazy, not working out or eating healthy. Walks with Snoop around the park. Mandala scratch off nightscapes. Reading at 3am when I was jetlagged. I had a sleep study this month too, no sleep apnea for me, back to mouth taping! It really does help with quality of sleep for me. You should try it! Also magnesium spray on my feet (shout out to Aly). This has helped with my restless leg syndrome that we’ve all experienced. This weekend, we’re making all our foods and cocktails, going downtown, driving around with hot choc to look at lights, and heading up to Rocky Mountain to hike a bunch of mountains. 

Skincare Saviors:

My skin gets so dry in Colorado, its TERRIBLE. And now that I’m saving for a house, I had to break up with my amazing esthetician, who by the way I stole this template from. I’m obsessed with Dermlogica thanks to her. I use a miscellar water if I wore any make-up. If not, I just double clease with my face wash. In the AM I’ll use my Rosehip Triple C+E Firming  Oil, followed by COSRX snail mucin essence, and a magical mix of calm water gel and intensive moisture balance. 

Love you long time,

Li

[beazt]

the fact that many things necessary for OTC improvement of disability and chronic illness symptoms, in their most affordable form, only come in a “one size fits all/most” size is such bullshit.

if I come across some mental energy in the near future I’ll return to this post with a whole list of brief examples of this, but in the meantime, let me share the experience that prompted this post:

I have carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands, but my left hand has it worse. it’s progressed to a point where I brought it up to doctors again and they recommended wrist splints/braces. He gave me a referral to occupational therapy to get prescription ones but wanted me to use an over the counter version in the meantime.

I bought the ACE reversible one. It was around $20 and I am poor. I tried it out for a couple hours to make sure it was comfortable and it was, just felt a bit tight around the thumb. I wore it to sleep like I’m supposed to, and I woke up early in the morning due to severe pain in my thumb because it had been digging into my skin all around my thumb. it left a deep angry-red imprint all the way around. 14 hours later, a fainter red circle around my thumb remains, and it is very sensitive— I can’t wear the brace for even 2 minutes at a time because of it. the basal thumb joint is also sore and stiff and hurts to move it towards any extremes of its range of motion.

now it’s important to mention, most people would call my hands small. personally, I’d explain them how I explain my feet— short, but problematically thick and wide. for reference, when it comes to disposable nitrile gloves, a small would fit my hand in length, but I physically cannot force it (even though they stretch) onto my hand/fingers because of their thickness. a medium barely squeezes onto my hand but is problematically loose+long around the fingertips. I had to give up molecular bench work bc loose fingertip gloves make the precision necessary almost impossible. btw they don’t even make modified size (like short, wide, etc) nitrile gloves (at least not that I can find?)

in a short Google search I was only able to find one model of wrist brace that advertises large thumb holes. I was able to find two very short reviews of it, so I don’t really have a solid idea of if it is effective or comfortable. it is ~$30 (+ shipping), not reversible (so for me, I’d have to buy one for each hand), and it comes in a range of sizes. took a minute to find a sizing chart. don’t know what my size is bc i don’t have a measuring tape, which is more my fault than theirs tbh, but can’t drive rn so it’d be difficult to get one atm…

I also had to special-order a cane that fit my specifications a couple years ago. it’s an adjustable cane and I still had to have it modified before it arrived

anyone can need accessibility measures. not everyone can afford specialty, prescription, or custom ones. and sometimes, those options aren’t even attainable at all.

#lous clues #disability #chronic illness #chronically ill #disabled #physical disability #accessibility

[bootlegfrank]

Noooooo tell me why bullets is your favorite!!!!! It won’t bore me at all:) you never do! The more you write the better I always get excited when your responses are on the lengthier side. You know it’s funny, my favorite mcr album was always danger days HAHA you with bullets as a fave and me with danger days CUTEEEEEEE. I WAS RIGHTTTT the fit was awesome if you were at my show I would’ve seen you and been eyeing you up heh WAIT DO YOU MEAN THE BLACK PARADE SHIRT LIKE THEEEE ONE THATS BLACK? THE CLASSIC ONE? BC IF SO THATS LITERALLY THE SHIRT I WORE LMAO STOP IT RN AKAKWJSHDHXHXH we’re so cute I’m crying my whole fit wassssss my Black Parade shirt, my fave (and only valid) pair of black jeans with rips in them, my docs, my fake leather jacket (rip it’s my og one I can’t wear it anymore), a choker, and for my makeup I did Frank’s revenge makeup>:))))) OOOO and for my merch I got the aforementioned Mikey fuckin way shirt, the one that’s the reunion version of the revenge cover, and the boyzone shirt IM SAD I DIDNT GET THE PORNSTAR ONE:’((((((( I bet it looks good asf on you though:) I STILL WANT A MYSTERY SHIRT TOO IM SO EMO THEY SOLD OUT:’(((( oh trust me I was dancing and shouting and screaming at my seat HAHAHA I bring pit level energy no matter where I am at shows. The people around me however… don’t and they’re laaaaaaameeeeeee HAHAHA YOU COMING FOR US AMERICANS STOPPPPPPPPPPPP HEHEHEHE you guys had an awesome setlist thoughhhhhhhh OMG SAME how you feel about na na na live was me with WTTBP. I skip that one a lot but getting to sing that with them live ohhhh I lost it I was crying NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT MCR!!!!!!! OOOO I love Trixie and Katya too!!!! NO OMG IVE NEVER SEEN THOSE VIDEOSSSSS do you have any links hehe

I DO KNOW YOU WELL^.^ you having the same personality type oh mannnnnnn OH YEAH your one post where you said you didn’t know who Joe Rogan was had me shook hahahaha I may haveeeeeeee started to watch Hannibal bc of our convo AKQKQKQJSUSYDYDYDUF I tried to watch it many years ago but gave up 10 minutes in. Now that I’ve seen some of it IM SEEING THE YOU AS HANNIBAL SHIT EVEN MORE OMFG. He is SO unfazed by everything and obviously into dark shit omg there was this one scene where he pricks his own finger and then licks the blood. If you’re him I’m definitely Will haha I’ve never told you this but I’mmmmm squeamish and watching this is reminding me just how fucking squeamish I am. You would have no reaction to any this meanwhile I’m being like WTF OMFG EWWWWW *insert horrified look* *insert me slapping my hand over my mouth* *insert me with wide eyes* HANNIBAL (the dude) IS WILDINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG it’s so shocking such an intense show the amount of times I’ve said what the fuck tonight HAHAHA

You definitely would abuse that information hehehehehe yeah? You like the nervous laugh thing? oh how I wish you could see me reading your responses. I nervous laugh SO much. I screamed into my pillow at something you said recently hehe you chuckling at me like that………..not in a mean way but bc you find the reactions cute….I’ve thought of this before I love it akajsjshdhdhcjcjdcj you chuckling like that at me is attractive as fuck

OMG you haven’t even heard of the horse cards WHATTTTTT I thought maybe that meant they were just American or something but NOPE I actually found the company that translated the cards into Dutch LOL that’s fascinating I didn’t realize they were so far reaching!!!! So cool. I didn’t actually trade them myself haha I just collected them (though I was way more of a Pokémon card kid). I looked up the Schleich horses they look nice!!! Really detailed and intricate. I also looked up your favorite horse breed hehehehe it’s cuteeeeeee “halefjar” me hearing the foreign language words like 👀 “Horses can feel it when you're scared” OH MAN IM FUCKED I hope you can get back into it!!!! And own your own Fjord horse heh time to start manifesting again AWE YES US HORSEBACK RIDING TOGETHER!!! I would feel much more at ease with you by my side^.^ AND THE CHEEK KISSES AH ALAKSKDJDJDJDJDJDJDJ OMG THE BIRDWATCHING BOOK THATS SO COOL what local bird is your favorite??? For me, my favorite are parrots:) specifically cockatoos but I like all parrots hehe NOOO I don’t currently have a cat:( I wishhhhh omg I have to ask….were you a warrior cats kid?

NO WAY you imagine taking my face into your hands too????? Agh you’re skwkwjshdhd so sajsjsjdjdhchc yeah alakwjshdhdjdjdjdjd imagining you running your thumb along my jawline mhmmm you could move my head however you want I’d be at your mercy. SNAKEBITESSSS that’s so sexy fuck goddamn I wonder what it would be like to kiss you I’ve never kissed anyone with that kind of piercing ever hahahaha god if you took my face into your hands when I was all shy I don’t even know what I would do god my breathing would be a mess my brain would be all blank. Clingy drunk you,,,,,it’s a need you being clingy would be…godsjjwjsdjdj us both drunk groping each other mhm thinking about what would make me the most flustered what a nice little experiment. We should test and see;) teasing me in public you’re really trying to get me to go insane mhmmmmm I would try to appear normal but then subtly get close to your ear and plead quietly. Maybe I’d tug on your hand to try to get you to go somewhere private. I can get pretty impatient and needy heh but it’s possible I’d also try to keep my composure and try to endure it while I’m melting on the inside. Soooo hard when I’m reactive though fuck hahaha thinking about if I’m into anything weird? Haha you little pervert<333333 I’d say so;)

Since you were so sweet and told me what you imagined, I’ll tell you what I thought about recently. I thought about waking up next to you and you touching me while I’m all sleepy and still lowkey out of it. Could even be a dream. Eyes hardly open. You murmuring in my ear while I’m squirmy and breathy and my brain isn’t even working yet. It just knows you’re making me feel good<33333 softly moaning your name, the only thing in my brain. It would be so easy to touch me with the way my shorts always end up riding up throughout the night heh

You absolutely are leaving an imprint on me baby I really can’t stop thinking about you. I’m so obsessed. The things I’d do if you asked. I love the fact I got you flustered a little;) I know that’s not easy so<333333 amazing you’re probably adorable when you’re flustered. You’d try to hide it but I’d notice and I wouldn’t be able to stop grinning. So glad to hear my words linger:) it’s so cute that you go to sleep hoping to wake up to my messages!!!! I do the same. You know sometimes I’ll wake up, grab my phone, and check your blog right away when I’m still out of it hehe I remember once it happened and you had responded and my heart palpitated so wildly>.< I hope this message finds you well hehehe kissing you on the forehead and nuzzling into your neck<33333

Okay okay hehe thank you for your sweet words cutie <3 I love Bullets because of how raw it is, you can tell from the album itself but also from the demos, you can tell how little lyrics were changed, how little intonation was changed, how little of the arrangement. The band was born out of a need to exist and you can tell, by god you can tell, and it captures me every time. I love the guitars, that budding New Jersey Emo sound that they leave in the dust later, the punk influences, how young Gerard still sounds, how well you can hear Mikey's basslines, Otter's drumming, heavy on the toms and cymbals, the frantic sound of the entire album, the influences in Ray's playing, how you can tell that Gerard is coming into his style of writing lyrics, cameos from their friends in backing vocals, the power and force and desperation behind every word and every note and every part of the album. I always love first songs by bands the most because they show the place the people were in when they realised they needed to start their band, when they realised the couldn't go on without letting everything out. I love all the songs individually too, Drowning Lessons made me cry the first time I heard it because that breakdown is just so damn gorgeous, but knowing how and why that album was made is what makes me love it so much. OMGGG we were wearing the same shirt that's so fucking cute!! Your outfit sounds so awesome, oh man I bet you looked so fucking good in it. Ooo the Boyzone shirt! I looove the print on that but I don't wear white often enough to justify buying it (or pink for that matter). Mannn that's so lame that people around you weren't as hyped-up as you, I bet you had the best energy in your entire section. I was moshing like crazy during WTTBP it was insane, seeing MCR live changed the vibe of so many of their songs for me, nothing compares to seeing them live, even songs you don't listen to all that often.

Ourgh I can't find any of the videos now but I will link them for you when I find them <3 Oh man that fucking Joe Rogan thing is going to haunt me forever, I don't even get why I was sent that ask in the first place by my mutual if it's apparently well-known that Joe Rogan is a major dickwad, I even asked around in my irl friend group and none of them know who he is either so I'm not living under a rock haha, I guess that just comes with being European xD I just finished Doctor Who so I suppose there's no better time to start watching Hannibal hehe, we'll essentially be watching it together! Ohh you mentioning him pricking his own finger makes me remember something I did when drunk once shfksjdf Me and a friend wanted to drink each other's blood so I sliced open my own palm, and then when I didn't feel like it was bleeding enough I poured vodka over it and into a shot glass to get it going shfkjfhdf The scar healed nicely but I had to wear a fingerless glove for a while xD It'd be so fun to watch Hannibal together with you hehe, I'd get to watch your cute reactions to all the intense scenes, it's so cute that you're squeamish <3 Aw babyy you screaming into your pillow like that is so cute, oh man, it's driving me insane a little. How cute you are in the way you react to my words... Makes me want to show you just how much that is doing to me <3

I used to collect those little fuzzy Filly horses! I had quite a lot of them hehe. Oh man one day I hope to have a Fjord, for now I guess I'll just have to make due with creating one in the sims x3 This is kinda stupid but I love jackdaws and pigeons, they're both the rats of the sky but I love them for it, ever-present wherever you go, daring little shits. Cockatoos are such cool birds, they come in such beautiful colour variations, and they're so intelligent!! Sdhfjksf I was a Warrior Cats kid hahaha, I was even on Scratch.mit.edu back in the day drawing Warrior Cats animations with my mouse x3 Were you also a Warrior Cats kid or did a different book series capture your attention?

Oh cutie you'd look so sweet with your face in my hands, big eyes looking into mine, that cute blush... Just the sweetest <3 Oh baby you know I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you when I'm drunk, especially when you're drunk too, all loose and giggly, I wouldn't be able to resist. Mhmm we should definitely test and see what makes you the most flustered, I bet I'll have fun with that ;) I'd try to keep composure when we're out, when I've been teasing you, but you know it'll only take a please or two for me to give in and take us home, I'm never able to resist you <3 Oh fuck, you imagining me touching you when you're still barely awake, oh that's doing things to me. Your brain's barely working but that's okay, it doesn't need to be working for me to make you feel good. Besides, I know just what you like, you're mine after all and I know exactly what to do and where to touch you to get you all cute and squirming under me. You laying next to me, one hand coming up to rub at your eyes while I'm touching you and whispering in your ear just how pretty you look, just how pretty your body responds to me, your little sighs so cute, your perfect moans. So easy to touch you hm? Well when you get yourself all perfect for me like that how can I not touch you when you're all sleepy and pliant?

Isn't it cute how much we're both thinking about each other so often, I'm in your head and you're in mine <3 I'd pull the hood of my hoodie down lower on my face when you get me flustered, trying to hide the blush starting at my ears, but I'd begrudgingly push the hood away when I see your delighted little smile <3 Awww baby your heart palpitating?? That's so adorable <33333 I'm kissing you right back on the forehead, and a kiss on the tip of your cute nose <3

#im nuzzling right behind your ear cutie <3 getting as close to you as i can #.nsft #asks

[amlao]

Day 237 of Being Single for the First Second Time in My Adult Life

1. I passed the NCLEX on the first try, in 85 questions. I am now officially [redacted] BSN, RN.

2. Working as a nurse is weird. I’m learning so much every day, but I’m really trying to grapple with being bad at everything and take it in stride.

3. I now do this fun thing where I fully and aggressively push men away, just to regret it and start to like them 10x more after they finally leave me alone.

I think I truly needed to be single for this amount of time, if for nothing else, to just reset my nervous system.

I’ve spent the last 20 years on an insane roller coaster of extreme highs and lows that were very dependent on men, their approval, and their attention.

I can’t just have a normal crush…at least not when they’re actively pursuing me and interacting with me. I experience a wild ride of limerence that teeters on the cusp of mania, rendering me unable to eat or sleep.

The first time I felt it, it was too much. I was waiting for a guy to pick me up after school, and I ended up bailing on him without explanation because I started throwing up and genuinely thought I was ill.

As I got into my 20’s, I rode the high of that slightly out-of-control feeling and jumped from one train to the next when the exhilaration of being crazed with desire wore off.

When I was with Logan, the feeling never faded in 4+ years. The way he overloaded me with love and attention, then withdrew it ever so slightly…but never quite enough for me to lose interest put me in a perpetual state of chasing the high of his love and approval. I would wake up every morning and be determined to be a better person that he would love more…which—funny enough, tricked me into being more responsible, taking better care of myself, and establishing closer relationships with my family.

Being attracted to Nick felt very safe and like the kind of relationship I was capable of having at that point: where physical attraction and love were going to stay separate for both of us. I wasn’t insane with desire. I could compartmentalize. I could put my attraction for him away in a box, then take it out when I was bored or lonely or wanted something exciting to feel.

But then, with Nathan, the feeling started coming back. The wild, untamed, manic limerence. There’s always a point in talking to someone where the wave of feelings I’m riding is perfect: they’re messaging me daily but have no expectations of me. I’m in control. I have the upper hand. Things are moving slowly, but enough is happening to keep me intrigued and give me a spark of energy.

I always remember this moment in time.

With Logan, I was on a late night run in the Summer of 2015 listening to Misterwives:

So can we

Stay forever-ever like this and

Laugh and love in this happy bliss and as

Time runs through our fingers

I knew that this was going to be an exceptional snapshot in time that I would want to come back to.

With Nathan, it was the night of the 4th of July. He had been texting me daily and we had talked casually, but there were no expectations for commitment or correspondence.

He texted me about a presentation he was giving the next day to residents, as I sat on the hood of my car in a random parking lot. Fireworks from Shawnee lit up the night sky. There was a warm breeze and mariachi music was blaring from a local shop.

But then, days later, he asked me out on a date. It felt too soon. I wasn’t comfortable with him in person yet—we had barely spoken three words to each other at his pool party. I didn’t know if there was attraction yet on my end, which takes time and exposure to develop. I didn’t know him well enough.

I gave him my number, then panicked all night, imagining us alone together with nothing but uncomfortable silences.

The next day, I tried to set boundaries and slow the pace. I told him I would be open to hanging out as friends. I told him that I had been in a series of codependent relationships and wanted to be single.

“If you change your mind, you know where to find me,”

“I can wait…I’ve waited longer,”

He says these things, and momentarily, I’m back in the sweet spot. We could explore. We could slow down.

But then, he came back with more persistence. Insisting that, if I went on a date with him, it wouldn’t make work weird. He could compartmentalize. I wouldn’t get in trouble. He would take the fall for everything.

The pace feels rushed again and I feel drawn to him and flattered by the attention, but even more anxious and claustrophobic. Once again, I feel 16 and like I’m throwing up in the high school bathroom waiting for a boy to pick me up. It’s too consuming, and I don’t like it. I’m tired of being the me who is stuck on this ride. I miss the me who had space in her brain to read again and listen to new podcasts and go to the gym.

So, I tell him no. Repeatedly. When he tries to debate my reasoning, I tell him we’re incompatible and I’m not interested in him.

He apologizes and does not message me again.

But now, there are no expectations.

And now…now, it’s safe to like him.

[shingia]

i’m not sure if you’ve gotten this request before (feel free to ignore if u have loll) but could i request how hq boys would help u when ur hungover.... cause i am big time rn LMAO please and thanks <33

✗ HQ BOYS WHEN YOU’RE HUNGOVER ✗

the way i ran to my drafts to start writing this omg 🏃🏻‍♀️ ngl it almost made me miss being hungover <\33 anyways- hope you’ll feel better v soon and are taking care of your poor hungover self 😽

-> timeskip! kita, kuroo, tsukishima, suna, oikawa

-> warnings : mentions of alcohol (for obvious reasons), mentions of throwing up and mentions of food

— KITA

• this man knows how to handle a hangover better than anyone

• he’s a moderate drinker, but his grandmother’s books contain the cure to everything and he’s more than willing to make you benefit from his knowledge

• he will make you drink these three bottles of water, that bowl of tomato soup and that banana milkshake with a tablespoon of honey. dehydration ? he doesn’t know her

• but kita also knows how important it is to not stay in bed all day, so he’ll insist on having you spend at least thirty minutes outside in the fresh air, most probably in your backyard

• you can refuse, of course. but he’ll take away your cuddle privilege immediately, so~ your choice

• also expect a lot a few disapproving looks,,, because as much as he loves to pamper you, he can’t help but remember the dozens of times he told you you’d had enough to drink last night. obviously you didn’t listen

• i think would disapprovingly care : like- lecturing you under his breath as he sprays essential oils on your bedsheets or tests the temperature of the bath water before letting you in

• remember the cuddle privilege i talked about? yeah, that’s going to be your reward at the end of the day for not being stubborn and docilely following his instructions

• with freshly perfumed bedsheets and his natural body warmth, you’re likely to fall asleep in five second tops. but that doesn’t mean he’s going to leave you, quite the contrary. no, this man will continue to take care of you in your sleep

• and by that i mean belly rubs to make sure your nausea is gone when you wake up, or gentle head massages to make your migraine go away. he might even brush your hair so that you won’t wake up with knots

• he doesn’t even expect you to thank him, because « isn’t that what all husbands are supposed to do ? »

— KUROO

• he’s probably hungover too because he had to finish half of your drinks,,, yet it still wasn’t enough to prevent you from waking up with the biggest headache

• in other words : dimmed lights all day. he might not even open the blinds. and to be honest he likes these kind of vibes

• sure, it feels like your brains are about to explode, and every single part of your body is aching (eyelashes included), but it’s cozy and your minds are too fogged to worry about anything other than getting better- so it’s self care and self care only today

• it’s likely that none of you will feel like eating something, but kuroo’s an athlete : he knows better than to skip a meal, especially when you both feel so weak

• so he’ll sacrifice himself and make the grueling effort of leaving the bed to cook you a little something, nothing extravagant but still enough to reinvigorate the two of you

• and since you don’t have anything better to do, you guys decide to watch the videos you took during the party,,, and slowly come to the realization that you have very few memories of what happened

• « is that you dancing on that table ? » you ask him, pointing at the man who is just a second away from tripping on a napkin

• lifting his shorts, kuroo glances at the bruise on the upper part of his thigh : « ohh- well that explains a lot »

• chances are that, because of his built, kuroo will feel better before you. so the true pampering will come later in the evening

• he’s got vitamins, ibuprofens, blankets, and his arms ready for you. you’re in for the deepest sleep of your life

— TSUKISHIMA

• « i told you so »™️

• you would wake up feeling like absolute crap and he would be eyeing you, standing next to the bed with his arms crossed and eyebrows raised : « how are we feeling ? », even though the answer is pretty obvious

• but he knows that sarcasm won’t get him anywhere so he tries to tone it down (try to)

• you might think he’s not going to do much, but as soon as you step out of the shower he forced you to take (even though you were exhausted), you realize that he did do much

• the clothes you wore last night are already in the washing machine, your new ones (most probably his) are neatly folded on your bed, waiting for you, and he’s cooking an anti-hungover meal that he looked up on the internet

• if he has to study while you’re getting some rest in the bedroom he will put reminders on his phone every 15mn to come and check on you

• and he never leaves the room without lifting the covers up to your shoulders to make sure you won’t get cold

• he also wets a towel and gives it to you to place over your eyes if they’re sore

• but as soon as he’s done studying, he joins you in bed with greatest pleasure. and it’s a good thing that tsukki loves comfortable silences, because neither of you feel like saying anything

• you’re just laying there, letting him keep track of time since you’re too busy enjoying being pampered that much

— SUNA

• blackmail material for YEARS (in addition to the videos and pictures he took of you during the party)

• he turns this into a vlog, you could be half-asleep on the couch and hear him talk to the camera from the kitchen like « so here i am making pasta for this lightweight who threw up all night... i’m still waiting for my boyfriend of the year’s award... »

• but really, he’s just being dramatic. deep down he loves to take care of you when you’re hungover because you get much clingier,,, so he allows himself to be clingier too

• as much as he loves to lay down on top of you, the roles are reversed this time. because being crushed by a 6’3 tall man while you’re hungover is probably not a very good idea

• but before these lazy cuddles, he wants to make sure you’re comfortable : so he’ll remove your makeup (if you wore any) and give you his clothes because he knows you like how oversize they are

• so yes, naps and water are definitely the keywords of the day, but tell him once that you crave one specific food and he’ll immediately go get it for you

• he’s also surprisingly careful with any possible headache, so he’ll keep his earphones on while scrolling on his phone to make sure you can rest in complete silence

• however, at some point he will hand you his phone and have you record a video for your future self. something along the lines of : « hi y/n, this is you from the past. i feel like absolute shit right now so please be more reasonable next time... and don’t let rin get more embarrassing pictures of us »

• and you can be sure that he’ll use this video as a threat next time you’re partying. he would just have to point at his phone from the other side of the room and you would understand what he means

— OIKAWA

• he’s not the person to call if you want to be talked out of partying ever again

• because not only does he spend the entire day praising you highly for the way you looked yesterday, but you also realize that he loves your drunk self (as long as he’s here to watch over you)

• he doesn’t mind you complaining because he’s had a few hangovers of his own,, so feel free to whine about your stomachache/headache all you want

• and if you throw up ? it’s ok, he’s got you. and he’s not leaving your side unless you ask him to

• literally, he spends the entire day babying you. you’re feeling too tired to brush your teeth ? no problem, he’ll have you sit on the edge of the bathtub and do it for you

• same goes for washing your hair or getting dressed : there’s nothing he’ll refuse

• if your head doesn’t hurt too much, he’ll offer to watch a stupid tv show in front of which you can fall asleep without missing anything important

• and he’ll make sure to get the right cuddle position right away because he knows you’ll probably fall asleep very quickly and he doesn’t want to wake you up by fidgeting under you

• also: expect many many scalp massages. and his hands are the softest so they feel absolutely divine

• i think oikawa knows a lot about hydration so he’ll probably make you drink something like sugary water to give you a little boost. and if you don’t trust this drink, he’ll try again with another one until you’re completely hydrated

• and as i said, he’s very supportive,, almost too much : « you finished your glass ! i’m proud of you baby! »

taglist : @toworuu @catwithangerissues @miyumiya @livy384 @k0u-minamo2 @fullsundear @hsjvwq @kelsuuki @hiraeth-z @velvetvirgos @kirishimas-manly-eyeliner @47meow @japanesevenom @geektastic84 @noir-blanches-blog @idontlikeyourjob @seiri-ami @atiny-grl-with-luv @admiringlove @nachotrash @kellesvt @aintyourholy @Moonlaeli @catchmewiddershins @duhsies @devilgirlcrybabiey @crystal-lilac @ijustwantfreenetflix @mimaki @maitenight

#reblogs are very cool 👉🏼👈🏼 #haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu comfort #kita shinsuke x reader #kita headcanons #kuroo tetsurou x reader #kuroo headcanons #suna rintarou x reader #suna headcanons #oikawa tooru x reader #oikawa headcanons #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima headcanons #tw alchohol mention #tw alcohol #tw: alcohol

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

#ask #text #diary #personal #my art #miss

[tnicc]

Hi!!! Can I please have a ship with a male character?

I'm 18, I'm bi, I use she/her pronouns, I'm a Gemini sun, Libra moon, Gemini rising, I'm 5'3 and I'm pretty chubby, I'm black with dark skin and I have pastel pink small locs right now but I like to dye my hair a lot!!!

I like wearing super girly clothes that are either kinda office casual/school uniformy or like more frilly and Lolita looking, either that or I'll just dress like a peasant from the 18th century lol. And in general I always like to be wearing something pink.

My hobbies are language learning, especially dead languages, tarot reading, learning about animals I hyperfixate on (rn it's shoebill storks because I think they're cute and they make gunshot noises and I think that's funny because I was dropped as a baby), and learning about mythology, specifically Caribbean, Nigerian, Ghanaian, Norse, Greek, and Celtic mythology. And my favorite genres of music are glitchcore, hyperpop, songs that sound like they were written by angry banshees, and rap

I have adhd and I tend to not speak until I'm spoken to, but once I start talking I don't stop easily lol. If I'm talking about something I'm especially interested in I can literally go on for hours at a time. I'm incredibly sensitive but I think since I talk so much and overthink constantly I'm a lot more likely to just communicate with someone instead of arguing or fighting with them, (not that I can or would want to fight anyone I hate all physical activity so much lol). My receiving love languages are acts of service and a bit of quality time and my giving love languages are gift giving and quality time, I'll cry while watching anything even though I hate crying in front of people, and I love literally all animals (except centipedes, they scare me a lot) and would jump in front of a Mac truck for a cat

With partners I tend to be clingy and I'm super attentive, like I'll plan out Christmas gifts in august and start looking at houses to move into after 3 months, but at the same time I have a lot of trust issues so that house I find will be reserved for 30 years in the future when I'm like "ok cool so this is a long term thing" lol

You literally sound so adorable ily❤️ I ship you with.......drum roll plz.......RANDY MEEKS!

For starters, Randy thinks your the cutest fucking thing to ever walk the face of the earth

When you first met he was sure you wouldn’t be interested, but you proved him wrong

Your pink clothing was the first thing he noticed. You wore it everyday, it was like a part of you and he fell in love with it

Before he admitted his feelings to you he tried to get your attention by wearing smaller pink arricals of clothing like bracelets, socks, shoes, he even went as far as to customize his own pink shirt with with favorite horror characters

After you told Randy about your love for language learning he was instantly begging you to teach him all that you knew

Same thing with tarot reading, he was especially excited to learn that

At first Randy wasn’t very into your taste in music, but over time it grew on him and he ended up belting out all the lyrics to whatever song you would turn on in the car

Randy, who is quite the talker himself, always tries to make sure you are included in each in every conversation. He loves to hear your voice.

Once the two of you get talking the rest of the group can’t help but groan because they know neither of you are going to shut up for a long while

When there is a fight between you two it usally doesn’t last longer than a few minutes, neither of you like fighting and prefer to just talk it out. That and Randy just can’t stay mad at you

But when it comes to other people? If anyone says anything to you at all to hurt your feeling or make you feel uncomfortable Randy is yelling their ear off in less than a second, even throwing a fist of two if nessisary

Okay, maybe he was a little to protective

After finding out about your love for cats Randy instantly started looking for the perfect one to buy you for Christmas

Oh your clingy? So is Randy!

You can never get the boy off your arm, he literally clings to you like a lifeline

You better believe Randy will be looking for houses with you

He even makes a blueprint on how he wants his man cave to look

Knowing about your trust issues Randy makes sure to reassure you daily that he loves you and would never do anything to hurt you

Losing you would be like losing himself

He always tries his hardest to let you know you’re loved and that is determined to spend the rest of his life with you and matching pink socks

#randy meeks smut #randy meeks #scream movie #stu macher headcanons #billy loomis headcanons #billy loomis #stu macher #sydney prescott #tatum riley

[pwarkluv]

❝ bubbly ❞ - pjs

park jisung x reader | fluff | 3.3k words

WARNINGS | lowercase is intended, idol au, established relationship au, ngl this is really really fluffy, slight angst if you squint hard enough, idol!jisung x normal!reader, jisung and reader just miss each other :(, annoying dreamies who always tease poor jisung

SUMMARY | when you wait for him to come home from tour but accidentally falls asleep on the couch.

AUTHOR’S NOTE | this is my first fanfic on my blog oh my! mark isn’t here just cause he isn’t with the dreamies rn! i still love him though :) this is inspired by the song “bubbly” by colbie caillat! also this is not really your usual shy!jisung. he’s still shy but still kinda bold if that makes sense? idk idk this might really suck-

one month. 

one month of lonely nights, calls at random times depending on the difference in time zones, kisses through the phone, and just overall missing jisung.

park jisung. your boyfriend.

even saying that in your head brings millions and millions of butterflies to your tummy. the maknae of nct and the main dancer of the dreamies was yours. and you were just as much his. 

but being away from him is one of the scariest things for you. jisung was like your rock and not having him there meant more frequently bad days for you. it’s as if you can’t function properly knowing he won’t be waiting for you once you come home. 

however, after a long four weeks he was finally coming home. the moment you heard his voice on the phone reassuring you that he’d be home tonight, you secretly bursted out crying, not wanting to make the older boy worry. 

the night he came home, you did some light eyeliner and wore simple clothing, not wanting to go all out since it would probably be late at night until he got home and to be honest all you wanted was to just be in his loving embrace. after putting on the gray hoodie jisung left for you and black leggings, you put your up in a messy bun. your stray baby hairs were peaking out.

you then drove to the dreamies dorm where you agreed to meet up, being able to see not only your boyfriend but your best friends as well. the managers let you in with a smile. they have always had a soft spot for you and lowkey loved you more than the boys.

sitting on the couch you waited. hours passed and still nothing. no notifications on your phone. no text. no call. the last form of communication you had with jisung was his phone call letting you know he was on the plane, about to take off. 

you were a little worried, wondering if he’s still on his flight or if he’s okay. but you didn’t really know the distance between where he was flying from and korea, so the flight could just be really really long.

you tried staying up, you really did. the movie you played to keep you entertained was slowly lulling you to sleep. it was already one am and from the long day you had, you just couldn’t fight off the heaviness of your eyes.

a few hours passed and you were knocked out on the couch, your soft snores filled the silence of the room as the movie was long over.

too deep in your sleep to notice you didn’t wake up to hear your phone ringing and buzzing, blowing up with texts and calls from your very own boyfriend. 

jisung was worried. you weren’t answering and the last form of contact he had with you was when he called you right before they took off. your excited voice made his heart swell and he couldn’t wish for anything more than the plane to hurry up so he can scoop his baby in his arms and shower you with kisses. 

it was a little weird to have those thoughts though. jisung? the shy baby of nct wanting to give kisses? if you told him that a year ago he would’ve laughed and asked if you were mentally sane. being an idol at thirteen meant knowing at such a young age the things accepted and shamed in the kpop industry. having a girlfriend or any intimate relationship like that meant hate and shame for both parties. but his reasoning to not have a significant other yet all washed away the moment he laid his eyes on you.

one year later and you’re the light of his life. sure his hyungs loved teasing him about you but to be honest, he’ll take any sort of teasing if it meant being with you. you were and still are his everything. although he is still really shy showing affection in front of them, he’d still pull you in for a kiss if he really wanted to. however once you two were alone, this man was the biggest bully ever. since you were younger than him by a year, he loves babying you and teasing you about your height. 

he’s still growing his confidence being like that with his members so there’s an occasional time where he’ll speak to you cutely, cause the other members to gape in shock, mouths opening and closing like goldfish in a tank. 

during the ride back to their dorm, jisung couldn’t help but voice out his worries to his hyungs, wondering if you were okay. 

“do you think y/n is okay?” jisung would ask every ten seconds, lowkey annoying the others. his leg was bouncing nervously as he stared at his phone screen, seeing all the unread messages.

“jisung don’t be dumb.” renjun sighed as he laid down, reclining the seat as far as it could go. “it’s three am for god's sake! she probably just fell asleep.” he reasoned with the younger, just wanting him to shut up. 

donghyuck laughed a bit with his eyes closed, feeling the fatigue get to him too. 

jisung pouted a bit before sighing back. “i mean i guess you’re right.” 

the pink haired boy reclined his chair back too before quickly sitting up in terror.

“jisung what’s—”

“what if she’s being kidnapped and—“

chenle threw a pillow at him to shut up.

-

jisung flew out of the car, not caring if his luggage was still in the trunk of the car or if the others were still behind. the only thing he cared about was you. 

fumbling with the keys to the dorm he managed to open the lock in record time before face planting on the floor, tripping on the random shoe on the floor. the boy was ready to throw hands with the footwear until he realized who it belonged to. 

y/n, he thought. 

quietly walking through the dark dorm he sees a light coming from the living room and hears the snores he’s been wishing to hear in person for a whole month. 

❝ it starts in my toes, makes me crinkle my nose ❞

his feet suddenly felt like jelly looking at your peaceful form. you were gorgeous.

his nose scrunched up in happiness after noticing you were wearing his hoodie, the one he specifically wore for a week straight after knowing he’d be away for you for a month. 

with shaky hands, jisung slowly swats the stray hairs from your hair, a smile on his lips. as carefully as he could, he removed the blanket covering you sleeping form to slip in beside you on the couch.

❝ wherever it goes, i always know❞

the feeling of your warmth snuggled up against him still makes his heart hammer and at some point jisung was afraid you’d wake up to the sound of his thumping heart. instead however, you just nuzle your head into his neck instinctively making his face heat up. you really had an effect on this boy.

❝ you make me smile, please stay for a while now ❞

in moments like these, jisung really takes the time to appreciate how beautiful you are. don’t get him wrong, you’re gorgeous all the time. but when you’re unconscious, eyeliner slightly smudged, hair up in a messy bun and in his clothes, these are the most beautiful moments for him.

the smile on his lips evident as he thinks how nice it would be to come home to you like this for the rest of his life.

❝ just take your time whoever you go❞

rubbing soft circles into your back, jisung was ready to fight donghyuck when he came into the dorms like a mad man. the moment hyuck opened his mouth, your boyfriend was already shushing him with a glare, being careful to not lose the rhythm his hands had on your back. 

hyuck’s eyes widened a bit before smiling softly at the two. 

“jisungie is in loveee~” he teased the younger as the rest of the members came walking through the door, their eyes landing at the soft sight in front of them. 

jaemin looked at you two so happily. he knew how much you made their maknae happy and how much their maknae made you happy. you guys were a match made from heaven and he loved you for always bringing a smile to jisung’s face.

jeno’s eye smile was out, snickering a bit at how disgustingly fluffy jisung looked. the shy boy he grew up with was so confident (or well, more confident than usual) when it came to you. you brought out the best in the boy and jeno couldn’t thank you enough for that. 

chenle just rolled his eyes with a small smile, walking towards his room. he loves you two, don’t get him wrong. but sleep is calling him. lowkey though chenle loves to see you two together just cause the room gets brighter. your happiness and content being in each other’s arms makes everyone in the room happy too.

renjun bit back a smile, wanting to tease the younger. 

“i told youuu~!” he poked at jisung’s cheeks, bending down to look at your sleeping form fondly. looking at jisung’s red cheeks he laughed, causing the boy to glare again.

“shush you’re gonna wake her up.” he whispered.

renjun narrowed his eyes a bit before scoffing. “you’re lucky i like her and want her to sleep, unlike you.” he rolled his eyes but his smile showed he wasn’t really mad. 

after everyone left, jisung turned his attention back to you immediately cooing at the drool falling down your mouth. it was a little disgusting, he wasn’t gonna lie, but you’re cute so he let it slide. jisung was about to go for a kiss until he heard an annoying voice whisper in the back :

“jisungie is in loveee~”

the pillow that jisung threw at hyuck is what woke you up.

#park jisung #park jisung x reader #park jisung x y/n #nct dream #nct dream x reader #nct dream x y/n #nct dream imagines #park jisung imagines #nct #nct x reader #nct x y/n #nct imagines #soft jisung #kpop #kpop imagine #kpop imagines #pwark jisung #jisung park #jisung pwark

[lupiningwolves]

drama | wolfstar x fem!reader

summary: you got in a little drama with your friends

warnings: none

a/n: y/b/f is your best friend

i wrote this because i am in the same situation rn and would love to have a remus and sirius to comfort me

—

„do you know something about it?“, you asked marlene hopefully.

„i‘m sorry, y/n, I‘m really not supposed to talk about this“, she answered.

you sighed. „please, marlene, i’ve known her my whole life and now she‘s … weird, i don’t know, do you think she doesn’t like it that i do so much with lily and mary and you?“

marlene looked in your eyes, her facial expression being rather sad. „y/n“, she whined, not telling you something she wasn’t supposed to. „let’s just say that she doesn’t want to lose you.“

you sighed again. „thanks, marls. i‘ll see you later.“ you forced yourself to a smile and walked out of the great hall, making your way up to your dorms.

it was really a drama. just this year you started doing more with lily, marlene and mary, people from your house. your best friend you’ve known since practically forever seemed distant since then.

you loved her with your whole heart, you really did, but being in different houses was difficult and made it hard for you to just do things with her. it’s not that you didn’t want to see her, you just had other things to do and more friends now. the thought of losing one of them made tears well in your eyes. you wanted all of them together, in a big friend group.

when you arrived in your dorm, you curled up in a ball on the bed and let the tears run down your cheeks. it was hard to make such a decision. and you didn’t want anyone to feel the way you felt now either.

a knock on the door interrupted your thought. „puppy?“, you heard sirius call. „can we come in?“

„no“, you answered. they waited for a reason for that answer, but doubters scared that your voice might break when you talked more.

„please, sweetheart“, remus said. it took you a while to answer with yes and then both of them came in your room.

when sirius saw you crying, which he had never before, his heart broke. to the mascara stains on your cheeks and your reddened eyes, to hear you sniffle, made him question what was done to you. he was ready to fight anyone who hurt his girl.

remus on the other hand stayed calm. he knew that if his emotions got over him, it would just make you more nervous. and he just wanted his girl to be okay.

„puppy?“, sirius asked softly. „c‘mere.“ he sat down on the bed next to you and held his arms open.

you slowly got in them and immediately hugged him tight and grabbed on the sweater he wore. „i didn’t want this, i swear“, you cried in his chest.

„oh, y/n“, he sighed. „what happened?“

you sat up and leaned back in remus who sat next to you too. „c‘mon sweetheart, ‘can’t help you if you don’t tell us what happened“, remus said.

„i started hanging out more with marlene, mary and lily. and y/b/f thinks i don’t like her anymore and don’t want to do anything with her. but i do. i don’t want to choose between them“, you explained.

sirius looked at remus for help because he never had those problems and doesn’t know what to do. but his boyfriend didn’t know either.

„have you tried talking to her?“ you shook your head. „then you should try that“, remus said.

„what if she doesn’t want me anymore?“, you sniffled.

„i don’t think that there is one person on this whole planet who doesn’t want to do anything with you. everyone should be glad to call you their friend“, sirius said which made you smile. „all better now? i don’t like to see my baby crying.“

„’m not your baby“, you retorted.

„yes, you are. and remus is too.“

remus looked at him with a raised eyebrow. „don’t you think it’s the other way ‘round?”

you smiled and fell back on your bed. „can you stay the night?“

„of course“, they said at the same time.

[butgilinsky]

okay I had a thought but idk if you still write for them but I loved blueberry pancakes and the blurbs you did for it. but did u ever do one about like the anniversary of Rafe's mother [death/disappearance/leaving]? cuz just imagine him being all sad and it's all soft 😭 xx

a/n; i haven't written for the boat show in what feels like forever but i liked this idea so here we go (also i'm watching gilmore girls rn and this reminded me of luke's dark day). this also got longer than i expected it to so i’m sry for that. enjoy!

the first year the two of you were together, you had no idea about rafe's dark day. nobody gave you a heads up or told you that it was something you should be on the look out for. you simply didn't hear from him for an entire day, and no matter how much you looked for him around the island, he was nowhere to be found. it wasn't until you had had enough of being in the dark and called topper that you got any sort of explanation.

"he didn't tell you?" anxiety pumped through your bloodstream as your mind raced over all of the possibilities of what that could have possibly meant.

"tell me what?" topper only looked even more confused at the sound of your question, unsure of how you of all people didn't know what today was or where rafe was.

"it's his dark day. every year he disappears for the entire day. doesn't call or text, and we can never find him to save our lives. we stopped bugging him about it around two or three years ago."

you tried to go over everything about rafe that you'd learned in your time together. you weren't sure where he could be or why he'd disappear like that without a single word. the two of you never did that. you talked to each other, communicated efficiently. this wasn't like him.

you decided not to push him for the rest of the day, only opting to ask him about it the morning after when he asked if you wanted to spend the day on the beach.

"where were you yesterday? i asked top and kelce where you ran off to but neither of them knew." he froze at the question, his muscles tensing and jaw clenching. he wasn't angry, wasn't even surprised you asked, but he wasn't ready to tell you the truth.

"i went to the mainland to pick up a few things."

it wasn't until the next year when you were spending the summer back in the obx, home from college and practically attached to rafe's hip, that you found out what his dark day truly consisted of.

he called you a little after 10 pm, drunker than he would've imagined he'd be if you had asked him earlier in the morning.

“baby!” you had to drag the phone away from your ear, taken by surprise by the loud voice booming through your phone’s speaker.

“hi, baby. you doing okay?” you knew it was the same day he had gone dark the year before. he didn’t know that you had written down the date last year and remembered for this very moment.

“i’m great! the mainland is so much better than the island baby, we should move out here. we should move out, period. do you think we should move out? i think it’d be good for us.” you tried to ignore the fact that he was talking about a step neither of you had taken before and tried to focus solely on the slur in his words and the time of night it was.

“baby, where are you? do you need me to pick you up?” he sighed then, one heavy enough for his shoulders to slump far enough to threaten the concrete below him. you couldn’t see him, couldn’t see the distress etched into his features but you could hear the distraught tone he used.

“no, my truck’s here. i can’t leave it here. i’d just have to get it tomorrow and-“

topper gave you a sideways look, one that told you everything you needed to hear in this moment just before he pointed at his keys across the room. rafe hardly questioned why you were with topper or why you were so adamant on picking him up, even on the mainland. it was easier to get his location than you expected it to be and within the hour, you were sitting behind the wheel of rafe’s truck with a drunk boyfriend slouched in the passenger seat.

“i was six when she left.” it was mumbled under his breath and hard to hear but that didn’t stop your ears from perking up at the indication that he was opening up a part of himself that he kept quiet from everyone else in his life. “i remember her waking me up in the middle of the night and apologizing profusely. she couldn’t be with him, said he was crazy. and for the longest time i thought she was the crazy one. i thought she was the one that up and left like there was nothing of importance here for her. but she was right, he is crazy. he’s crazy and i can’t blame her for leaving because if i had the means to, i would’ve been gone the second i got my diploma.”

it changed a lot in your mind. it explained a lot of why rafe was the way he was. it explained the hostile relationship between him and his dad, explained why he never accepted rose into his life. it explained a lot and though it was hard for you to wrap your head around, you were there for him unconditionally. it showed in the way you grabbed his hand in yours and the way you stayed silent through the sobs he choked out on the way home.

“i’ve never healed. i cant. not when i don’t know where she is or what she’s doing. is she safe? is she alive? does she have another family? does she even miss sarah or me?” you turned to him then, only for a second before you looked back at the road ahead of you.

“if she doesn’t miss you she’s crazy. she’s the one that left and while i can completely understand why a person would leave ward cameron, i can’t imagine someone leaving rafe cameron.” he smiled at you, one fueled by his unwavering emotions and clouded mind.

“i love you.” he mumbled softly, using a tone that hinted at his disbelief that your words were true and honest and not fueled by your affliction towards him.

“rafe, i’m serious. anyone who leaves you in their rear view mirror is an idiot-“

“she’s not an idiot.” your lips clamped together in a tight line. you spilled an apology, explaining that you never intended to talk down on the woman who he clearly loved more than life itself. despite the fact that she had been gone for over twelve years, she clearly still played a large role in rafe’s life. “everyone moved on after she left you know? sarah was young enough to hardly notice. dad had rose even when mom was here. it’s like i’m the only one going through this.”

your heart sank at the sound of his confession. all of this stress and hurt was placed on a boy too young to realize that moment would change his life forever. you knew he went through it alone. you’d heard sarah mention that she hardly remembers her mother, that she wouldn’t remember what she looked like if it wasn’t for the picture she had tucked away into her nightstand.

rafe was the last person that people on the island assumed was going through something. they hardly looked past the attitude that rafe exuded and the careless demeanor he always wore. but not you. you were determined to listen to rafe talk about the skeletons in his closet and the way he reacts to them. you were determined to get him home safe and sound from the horrors of alcohol and how it makes him react. you were determined to help him through it all.

so the next year, just before his dark day, you told rafe that whatever he was doing that day, you were doing it with him. he didn’t love the idea at first given that that was one of his only days to himself, but he agreed. maybe he didn’t need to be alone on that day anymore. maybe you were here with him for this reason. maybe he should just be grateful that you’ve stuck around this long and are willing to truly be there for him.

rafe would never spend his dark day alone again.

#rafe cameron #rafe x reader #bp blurb #bp #blurb #request #obx #outer banks #drew starkey #blueberry pancakes

[burnedbyshoto]

reincarnation

— Five chances to fall in love. Five reincarnations to find the person you’re destined to be with. It just so happens that in each life you keep meeting a man with brown hair and a sweet involvement of primroses —

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pairing: kaibara sen x fem!reader

warnings: soulmate au!, reincarnation au!, royalty au!, fake dating au!, college au!, villain!kaibara au!, fluff, angst, cursing, alcohol consumption

word count: 11,820

a/n: this is for the bnharem flower server collab!!!! check out the masterlist here, its pretty dope as fuck!!!! also I know dat none yall know who he is because we sleep on class 1-b, but i worked so hard on this and I wrote it in a single day, and its 4 am rn and im exhausted so pretty please help a girl out and just read it ;-; I also tried out a new... voice??? idk how to even explain dis, but yes huzzah!!!! kaibara sen rights!!!!

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The world is a fantastic place.

And to my beautiful reader, know that this is a world where soulmates exist. A world where someone is created flawlessly for you is someone who holds you to the highest symbol, who carries you through the most significant highs and lowest lows without a whine or grievance. 

A soulmate is destined to be yours, but sadly they are hidden within the world. 

My dearest reader, you only have five chances to figure out who your soulmate is. Five reincarnations to figure out who the one who is meant for you. Lucky for most humans, soulmates are found within the first two reincarnation cycles but heed this warning.

At the end of you and your soulmates twenty-first year, you must find each other and fall in love. Should you fail to find and love your soulmate, you’re put into another reincarnation to try again. Each attempt is marked on your wrist, a Roman numeral to indicate whether you have succeeded or failed. You will carry the rest of that reincarnation unable to ever see your soulmate ever again, but when the tattoo changes colors, you know the person you love is the one for you.

Good luck, my dearest reader, this is a challenging journey, but I know that you will do well.

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“It’s been a while since I’ve seen someone on their first reincarnation!”

Your eyes looked up to the handmaiden, who was currently helping you dress for the ball tonight. You were to wear a heavy dress of silks and satin sitting prettily on your body, the detail exquisite, the meaning behind each embroidered flower astonishing. 

You knew that the importance of your appearance was paramount as the daughter of a duke and duchess. You could very much be a future Queen consort considering that the royal families were dried of ladies. This was to be a ball in your name, a moment for courting, and arrangements to be made. 

At the age of eighteen, it was much later than other people would have expected it to be, after all, most balls such as these were to be done in the sixteenth year, definitely not the eighteenth. Two years truly made a difference.

But to your parent’s advantage, it would mean that by tonight you would most likely be engaged to some man you had been educated on years before. 

Glancing down at the small Roman Numeral I on your wrist, you smiled, nodding your head. Around this area of the world, most people already seemed to be on their second and third reincarnation. For all that was good, your parents themselves were on their third and second reincarnation. They weren’t soulmates but figured a life of leisure and power was better than a life of love since they had more chances.

“I know that I am the only one on my first reincarnation cycle around here,” you sighed, your manicured finger tracing the innard of your wrist. The red ink was strong against your skin, so strongly procuring against your skin, a statement of your isolation from your soulmate. 

Long ago, you had learned about soulmates, you remembered the warm light that held you in your earliest memories that explained the concept, and you further learned more as you grew. A near 75% of the population encountered and fell in love with their soulmate on their first reincarnation. Of course, once you fell in love and lived happily ever after, that was it for you, or so that’s what everyone claimed as there had been no true love gold ink gracing anyone’s wrists on their second or so on reincarnation. 

You were a bit of a romantic, keening in the thought of having someone perfect for you. Inexplicably yours, impossibly perfect for you.

You often wondered if you had already met your soulmate, but the barring symbol of no one else having a roman numeral one on their wrists made you realize it was no one you already knew.

“Mrs. Lane?” you spoke, your fingers twisting into the silk undergarments you wore.

Your hair was done already, the makeup sitting beautifully on your skin. But there was an undeniable fear in your eyes when you brushed over the mirror before you. 

“Yes, Your Grace?”

“Have you met your soulmate already?” you asked, your stomach twisting in the thought of what may happen tonight. Could you really handle maybe passing a handsome gentleman or a beautiful woman with a Roman numeral one on their wrist and resist not immediately believing it was your soulmate?

“I have,” she nodded, exposing her slender wrist to you, the gold Roman Numeral II shining beautifully in your gaze. “He works in the palace, actually. Why do you ask, Your Grace?”

A soft smile graced your face at the sight of the golden ink. For too long, you had only seen it within your literature. Never once having been exposed to it in your world that was heavily plagued with those who cared more about politics than love. 

“It just occurred to me that I had never once asked if you had,” you smiled, your fingers letting go of your tightly held undergarments. “But let us carry on, my guests should be expecting me soon.”

~

Balls were glamorous and needless to say, quite fun.

The music was lively, the food was exquisite, and the people were merry and handsome as they danced around the floor. Most balls you attend always leave you rosy-cheeked with both alcohol in your blood and from the rounds of dancing you would participate in, but tonight was different. 

Your cheeks were rosy with exhaustion, hours of being twirled along the dancefloor, terribly bleak conversations going on between you and a hopeful courter, and the refusal of alcohol from your parent’s behalf. They wouldn’t have you messing up their only chance of seeing you married to the Prince, who was duller than a rock. 

Your feet hurt with the unforgiving throb of the tight heels you had to wear, and in this moment of peace, you wanted to cry when you watched two men come to approach the table where you sat between your parents.

“Your Grace,” the older man bowed lowly, his most likely son bowing as well.

“Duke Kaibara, what do we owe this pleasure?” your father spoke clearly and eloquently, the smile on his face charming, but you knew better. 

He didn’t want a marriage of equal status — especially not when the Kaibara family was known for their war abilities, which were meaningless in a time of peace.

“My son wishes to have a dance with your own daughter,” Duke Kaibara spoke with a transparent lie painted on his face.

Attempting not to scoff, you glanced over at the man who stood beside the Duke.

He was reasonably tall, his stature befitting of someone of his class and quite honestly much better than the Royal Highness himself. Unruly dark brown hair that you could tell immediately had his servants in a craze to put into the slicked-back style it was attempted to be in, the few strands falling into his eyes, making him more comfortable to look at. His eyes were as black as midnight, shining bleakly yet with stern sharpness to it that had you questioning his stoic aura. 

The black of his suit was also adorned with pops of gold and royal blue, definitely a commander.

“Y/n would love to accompany him for a dance,” your mother spoke, her hand pressing against the back of your dress, lifting you up to stand before you could even think of protesting.

“I’m glad,” the Duke laughed heartily, and you sighed quietly.

With your hand pressing into his own, both of you walked in silence to the dance floor. 

The song began, one that involved more one on one time and less prancing with everyone on the dancefloor, and you were unsure whether you appreciated that at all. On the one hand, it would have saved you the horror of having his smoldering eyes everywhere on you, but it also meant you two could waltz around without a care.

“I don’t care to marry you,” he spoke suddenly, catching you off guard immediately. “As a matter of fact, I had no desire to come to your ball.”

“Well, that’s a bit rude to say,” you splutter, your fingers digging into his shoulder while you nearly stumbled in your box step. “There was no need to tell me that!”

“My father thinks that because we are both in our first reincarnation, it will give some leeway into having our union, but he is too much of a romantic.”

“And just who are you exactly, Your Grace? I know of your surname, but if you are going to be speaking to me so brashly, I have the right to your birth name.”

As the two of you spun against the floor, the throb in your feet ignored; his eyes came down to meet yours in a piercing gaze. Was he shocked by your lack of submission?

“Sen,” he spoke, his lips pursing. “Sen of House Kaibara.”

“Well, Sen, you are incredibly rude!” you flustered, smoothly moving with him with the sudden pick up of speed in the music. “Even if you are not here for my hand, the least you could do is pretend!”

“You looked like someone who appreciated honesty, Your Grace,” there’s a glint in his eyes. Something you can’t quite pin or understand, but it sends your stomach into a loop at the way his lip quirks with his words, and how his eyes narrow almost as if in teasing.

“Oh, I definitely am, but even that was too honest for our first conversation,” you bite back, your long ruined lipstick-stained lips pulling into a smile. “Have you never been around a lady before? You should really be paying attention to your etiquette classes, Sen.”

“Are you really lecturing me on my etiquette while calling me Sen?” he asked, his jaw-dropping just the slightest in disbelief, using a heavy hand on your waist to pull you in and twirl you out of the way of a drunken pair of dancers. “I think it might be you who needs to be paying attention, Your Grace. Especially if you are defying my every word and not turning into a submissive rock at my commands.”

“It is a woman’s job to make sure a man knows their place,” you snickered, twirling with the beat of the song. “I am simply doing that.”

Kaibara’s mouth opened, words almost daring to pour out, but alas, the song was over.

The two of you parted, bowing to one another while the other dancers did the same while everyone cheered and rejoiced in their ability to dance to this song.

“Would you like to go on a walk with me?” Kaibara asked, his hand reaching out towards you. 

“I don’t care to walk with you,” you breezed, quickly repeating his first words to you ever. “But I assume it will be better than returning to the table to be sold off.”

Although Kaibara’s stoic face had long remelted over his face, you couldn’t deny the glint of amusement in his eyes at your words. With yet another outstretched hand, you took it, and off the two of you went. Away from the party and into the cold night.

The both of you wandered aimlessly through the gardens of your estate, the hedge labyrinth being something you went through with him under his predictions as you already knew the answer to this puzzle. 

You felt at ease with Kaibara, the initial belligerence of his personality seemingly disappearing the more you talked with him. He was still quite aggressive, his words clear, loud, and intentional with each speech he made. But you found yourself enjoying it more and more, especially after the two of you bonded over the spinning fountain in the royal palace. 

“Do you like flowers?” he asked when the two of you sat against a stone bench.

“Depends,” you hum, placing a finger on your chin. “I am less than thrilled with flowers with thorns. Do you have any idea how many idiot men have given my flowers with thorns in them?”

“I will assume a lot?”

“Three! That is three too many!”

Kaibara laughed merrily, his hand running through his gelled unruly hair, while his head dipped back to stare at the sky. 

“I’ve only gifted someone a flower once, and I did not go according to plan.”

Your eyebrows scrunched, you studied the man who stared up at the sky in a way that looked like he would fight the gods themselves should they appear. The soft glow of the halls barely reached this side of the garden, but with the help of the heavenly moon, you saw him clearly. He was a stranger, you knew that, but there was something about him that called for you, pleading you to learn more about him — everything about him.

“What was the plan?” you asked softly, your bare foot hitting his leather-clad shoe with a pointed toe. He had helped you take off your shoes the moment you entered the garden.

“Well, we were the same age, as you and I are,” Kaibara nodded, his hands pressing to the bench behind him as he shifted his weight to lean on his hands. “As I spoke earlier, my dad was a romantic, and embarrassingly enough, I was too at one point…”

He trailed off, and your head tilted, you felt like you knew where he was going with this.

“I offered the girl I loved a red rose, but she told me that we would be wrong together. She was on her second incarnation, and I was on my first, so there was no way we could be destined for one another,” Kaibara confessed, his tongue wetting his lips while he shrugged. 

“That is quite unfortunate,” you frown, your gaze dropping to your hands. 

“It was.”

The two of you fell into a tense silence, your mind unable to procure any form of thought to ease the tension between the two of you. But you looked up and saw a bush of white primroses before you. With a surge of confidence, you stood up and took a single primrose from the bush. Returning to Kaibara’s side, you placed the primrose in his hands.

“You may not appreciate this primrose, but our estate is known for the primrose, it's a trademark of my family. You may not have found your soulmate yet, Your Grace, but when you do, they will be amazed to call you theirs.”

Kaibara’s hold on the white flower was delicate, his fingers twirling the stem between his fingers while he sat there. A soft chuckle escaped his lips, and he nodded, his eyes warming up while he locked eyes on you.

“You’re a bit weird, you know that y/n.”

“Only those I trust know that,” you winked, further delighting in the way that a crooked grin sat on his face.

Unfortunately for you after that night, you would never have one like that again. The arrangement to marry His Royal Highness was set, and you would never see Kaibara again after your wedlock to the Prince that happened on your twenty-first year alive — not that the two of you realized that.

You long after passed away.

You lived a happy life, a full life, but the thoughts of his Grace Duke Kaibara Sen always plagued your mind no matter what you did. How you wished that he was to be reborn too so that you could possibly meet him once again.

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“Sen, leave my primroses alone!”

“I just can’t believe you still have these?!”

Your face was abnormally warm while you stared at your childhood friend Kaibara who was currently walking around your entire room, deliberately, and horribly going through your personal belongings. He was in workout clothes, black gym shorts, and a grey t-shirt under a yellow windbreaker; the sight of him so comfortable in your room made you a bit more embarrassed. 

The two of you had been friends for forever! Your parents were best friends and soulmates, so they figured that both of you would be soulmates. While it had been a cute and innocent thought when the two of you were young, it wasn’t so nice with the two of you nearing twenty-one and with no actual relationship in sight. How your parents found each other on their first attempt was beyond you, especially since you had the exact ii marked on your wrist.

But the worst part of your parents trying to convince both of you that you were soulmates was the thought that the two of you had once sort of dated. It had happened in secret, after all, both of you agreed should your parents find out it would equate to some block party celebration — which both of you didn’t want.

Still, the two of you were only sixteen when it happened, and while it could have happened that the two of you were meant for one another considering, you shared the same birth year and were on the exact reincarnation it didn’t work out. You loved Kaibara, you indeed did, but the romantic feelings between the two of you quickly burned out. Thankfully, it hadn’t made anything genuinely awkward between the two of you, and your parents never knew!

Win-win!

But the first memory you ever had of Kaibara and you, it involved a primrose. It was spring, and he had found a bush full of them, and with his chubby baby hands, he had picked them out for you and gave it to you. You had loved it, and it seemed to become an unspoken tradition between you and him.

Every significant moment between your lives, he would always give you a primrose, even when they were out of season. 

The last time he had given you a primrose was when both of you graduated high school and went onto college. He had gone to a different one from you, and it was like facing death itself when you no longer saw him in your classes. Nowadays, the two of you only saw each other during breaks and the occasional facetime.

So in the middle of summer break, he was over in your room after a run — judging everything you were saving apparently.

“I should destroy these flowers; they’re not supposed to be kept like this,” Kaibara sighed, the stems of the dried and pressed flowers so brittle between his fingers. He looked back down at the box he had found, his free hand stretching out towards your storming figure to keep you at bay. “Damn, y/l/n, did you really keep every single primrose I ever gave you?!”

“It’s sentimental, asshole!” you cried in embarrassment, your hands trying to grab the box that indeed held every primrose he had given you with a tag that had the day you got it and why.

“How have I known you my entire life and still not know this about you?” Kaibara grinned, his knees bent, and ass jutting out to keep you from nearing too close.

“I’m going to kill you!” you sobbed, your fists beating into his back while he simply continued on.

“I haven’t seen you face to face in months, and you’re going to kill me? You’re sort of the worst best friend ever,” Kaibara admitted, finally relenting and letting go of the box and leaving your possessions alone. 

You quickly covered the box, grateful that he hadn’t destroyed anything, and sighed when you put the box back in your bookshelf. Out of sight, out of mind for now.

“I do have a favor to ask of you,” Kaibara admits, your bed groaning quietly under his weight while he sat on your bed. Your face immediately questioned his motives; you knew your best friend probably better than he knew himself, and you knew that there was no bliss in having him say those words to you. All your life, his favors had nearly landed you in the hospital after all.

“And what favor is this?” you asked, your arms crossing while you looked at him with your eyebrow raised. “Am I going to have to go egg your highschool rivals' house again? Oh! Am I going to tell your girlfriend to not be intimidated by me anymore?”

Kaibara’s grin melted away, a stoic and unnerved face glaring back at you. Being best friends with someone like him was not a good thing at times like this, it seemed.

“Then I’ll go ask Ami for help then,” he spoke without a hint of mercy, his hands pressing onto his lap to stand up.

“Wait, no, Sen! I was joking! Please don’t do this to me!” you whined, shoving him back down onto his bed so that he was sitting there with a still expressionless face, but his eyes gave him away. “Anyone but stupid, Ami!”

“Well, if you don’t want to help me, I’m not going to waste my time trying to convince you,” he pointed out with a slow blink.

How he got under your nerves sometimes.

“What do you want then?” you grumble, sitting down on the bed beside him, your arms folded and a pout on your lips. 

“I need you to be my date on top of pretending to be my girlfriend,” Kaibara replied immediately, his eyes resting on you with ease and grace. You looked ready to question everything he was saying, so he moved on to explain. “My parents were invited to a wedding, and I need to win a bet.”

“What kind of fucking bets are you making that it involves having a girlfriend? I thought you were anti-soulmates?” you question, your gaze unamused while your dark-haired friend raked his fingers through his spiky hair. 

“Okay, first of all, I just found your creepy primrose collection, so I know you’re still in love with me, but I’m going to need you to back off —” he dodged a punch you aimed for his shoulder— “But the bet was made because no one thought I could get a girl like you.”

“You can’t get a girl like me.”

“I already have, hello?”

You grinned at his look of discontent at your statement, but you finally sighed, your head coming to lean on his shoulder. You smiled, feeling his head resting upon yours, and a silent agreement was exchanged through this pose. 

“When’s the wedding?” you ask, your eyes closing at the gentle rolling heat emitting from his body.

“This Friday.”

“The theme?”

“Summer? I don’t fucking know.”

“How long have we been dating?”

“Seven months.”

“Oh, so detailed,” you softly sigh, eventually laughing when his fingers twisted the skin on your shoulder. “Do you still kiss like a twelve-year-old boy?”

“No,” he groaned, his hand covering his face. “We shouldn’t have to kiss anyways.”

You laugh more, your shoulder pressing into his a few times while you bite your lower lip, “I’m just making sure we cover all the bases.”

“Yeah sure,” he sighed, holding your hand in his. “Thank you for agreeing.”

“I’m going to look hot as fuck, and I expect to make sure that everyone at this wedding is starstruck by me.”

“I’m sure they will be.”

~

The apples of your cheeks burned from all the fake smiling you had done while exchanging hellos with the other guests you had never seen in your life at this wedding. It was the wedding for Kaibara’s boss, which explained why your parents were not here today — most parties had both your families in attendance after all.

“When Sen told us that the two of you were finally dating, I think I actually cried,” his mother told you, her hands grabbing yours when you sat beside her. As part of the favor, Kaibara had asked you to run most of the crowd control just because he was horrible at keeping things… not hostile. “Your parents told me that they didn’t know either!”

You laughed, your gaze flashing over to Kaibara, who was in the middle of a conversation with the guests who were sitting at his left. A coworker, it seemed, and if you knew any better, a coworker he liked just based on his body language.

“Yeah, it just sorta happened over a call?” you squawk unsure of how to handle this best. “I guess it helped that we’ve known each other for so long!”

She nodded her head, her eyes swimming with mirth and love while she sighed happily. 

“I can’t wait until it’s your wedding with Kaibara!”

With a nod of agreement, you were almost too excited when plates of food were distributed to you all. For the remainder of the dinner, you and Kaibara put up a solid front, the both of you falling into old habits of once being lovers to pull off this scam. It was the gentle whispers between the two of you, the silent exchanges, and the physical actions of your relationship that seemed to tie the story together.

“Y/n?” Kaibara’s female coworker spoke to you in the middle of a joking argument between you and Kaibara. You paused mid-rant, your head dipping towards the table so you could see her past Kaibara’s chest. 

“Yes?”

“Do you mind coming to grab some dessert?”

With no reason to say no, you nodded your head, a smile gracing your figure.

The two of you went over to the esteemed dessert table. Piles upon piles of sweets and goodies sat on the table that called your name while you skimmed around with his coworker.

“I’m Kimi, by the way,” she introduced herself when you zeroed in on a brownie.

“Nice to meet you!” you smiled, the name further confirming the fact that she was the one that Kaibara liked.

“Likewise,” she smiled, bringing a Rice Krispy treat to her plate. “Um, Sen told me about the bet, I know that it’s all fake.”

Your eyebrows raised, you hadn’t known that much.

“Don’t worry! I’m not spilling! This is a bet against Tsurabara, and I want him to lose anyways,” she quickly interrupted, her hand rubbing the back of her neck. “You two looked ready to start a big fight, so I thought it was best to get you out.”

A burst of soft laughter bubbled in your throat while you nodded, “Oh yeah, it’s okay! I’ve known Kaibara since we were in our mom’s bellies, this isn’t anything!”

Kimi’s eyes blinked rapidly, her eyes casting to the side in some sort of inferior action that you knew almost too well as the best friend of a handsome boy. “He likes you too,” you whispered, winking at her before walking back to the table to provide your fake-boyfriend and his parents with their favorite desserts.

But as you returned to the table, you were stopped when Kaibara stood up, his face set in a soft scowl, and his stare a mile away.

“Please go and dance with our son, y/n!” his father asked with sincere hope in his voice. “The two of you have been entertaining us this entire time, please go have fun!”

You wanted to say that it was fine, but it seemed in the three minutes that you had gone, Kaibara had been made to do this. He grabbed the plate of desserts in your hand, dropping them onto the table and led you out to the dance floor where everyone was gathered.

And as a slow dance came through, a weird sense of deja vu overcame you when he held you close. 

“I haven’t danced with you in years,” you mused when your wrists rested onto his shoulders, his hands warm on your waist. 

“And that’s my fault?” Kaibara asked, his eyebrows raised in amusement and annoyance.

“For sure,” you sighed your gaze stubbornly on his. “If you didn’t let me go to all those high school dances with a date that wasn’t you, I wouldn’t have this problem.”

“You’re a brat, you know that?”

“You say brat, but I prefer the term… aware of my worth.”

“You’re as equal in value as my pinky toe is.”

And even though there was never an awkward moment in your relationship with Kaibara, there was this melting that occurred between the two of you. Something invisible that melted away between the two of you while you swayed side to side while in his arms. Your head rested on his shoulder, and he lay on your head. A peaceful silence while you danced in time, a perfect movement between the two of you while the music seemed to fade away.

“I’m going to kiss you, okay?” he whispered in your left ear.

There was a weird yet pleasurable shiver that traveled down your spine with his hot breath against your ear. You liked it, but that still didn’t stop the twist in your stomach when you pulled away. His eyes were dark and serious, so very much Kaibara Sen it seemed.

“Okay.”

His lips met yours in a soft embrace. The smoothness of his lips softly parted between yours, dancing in different ways from your swaying bodies, and much more fulfilling than any other kiss you had ever shared with him before. Your fingers locked in the back of his hair, and he drew shapes into your back.

Kiss after kiss was exchanged between the two of you on this dance floor, each sequential kiss blazing your heart brighter and brighter until you realized that your heart was hammering disgustingly loud in your ears when he finally pulled away for the last time. You didn’t think that this favor would have landed you in the hospital, but with the way your heart failed to stop drumming violently throughout your body after the many kisses the two of you shared that day, it was hard to say that he didn’t. 

But after that day, you came to realize that you still liked Kaibara, but he didn’t feel the same way. You cut off contact with him when he started dating Kimi, and the two of you last saw each other Christmas on your twenty-first year alive. He was happy and in love, and you quietly sat with your head in the storm clouds.

After that… you never saw him again, which made you think that made your parents have been right about the two of you being soulmates. 

But you had to move on for this reincarnation, it seemed.

You lived, loved, married, and died.

The box of primroses he had given you your most prized possession until the day you peacefully passed away.

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“Can I please get a black roast coffee... in the biggest size you have,” you sniffle, your eyes red, fingers dabbing a tissue at the falling tears on your face.

“Uh, that’ll be seven hundred yen,” the man with the name tag Kaibara S. spoke.

You handed him the cents in your hand and waited for your receipt.

“This is only five hundred,” Kaibara slowly stated, and it seemed to push you over the edge because you began to bawl.

Primrose Coffeeshop was the only coffee shop that had discounts for broke college students such as yourself nearby, so it was the place you went to practically every day. So it was to no surprise to workers such as Kaibara to see that you were finally breaking down.

The world blurred in the time he told you that it was okay to not have the adequate amount since you were always buying things from the store, to someone quite literally leading you back to your mountain of textbooks and laptop, and the coffee coming out and being placed at your table. Through your tear drowned eyes, you looked at the assignment you had to write.

Twenty pages of research for something you didn’t understand at all. 

“Are you okay?” a voice interrupted the hiccuping snuffled sobs that continued to pour from your mouth.

With a tear-streaked face, a wet nose, and blotchy skin, you looked at the dark brown haired barista who seemed to have gotten off of his own shift. His apron rested on his forearm, his hair still pushed back with the hairband that sat on his face, and his clothes were plain and simple. His face was pretty stoic to look at. Given the apparent discomfort in his eyes, he must have taken a lot to ask you this.

“N-No!” you sobbed, your lips trying to keep shut to stop the self-proclaimed horrible sobs that still tried to pour from your mouth.

“What’s… uh… what’s wrong?”

“My whole life is falling apart!” you laugh humorlessly, your hands slapping the coffee table with a pathetic sniffle. “I-I’m on my third reincarnation, and the statistics of finding your soulmate this late in the cycle have plummeted dramatically! My thesis for my p-paper isn’t viable anymore because I didn’t c-contact my professor on time. So I h-had to make a new one… I don’t even know!”

Kaibara remained silent, unsure if he should stay or leave. He had only asked because his coworker had been weirdly worried for you, and well… he did too, but this was a bit too much for him. Why couldn’t you have just said you were alright?!

“That… sucks, I’m sorry.”

You let out a choked sob, the veins in your face bulging in your attempt to just… stay quiet.

Kaibara stared at you, pity and concern seeping into his bones the longer he looked. With a sharp sigh, he pulled the chair out and sat down. “How can I help?”

Somehow from this one interaction, a weird comradery began between you and the barista you had ordered from for two years. 

In the span of an hour, he had helped you calm down, calmly instructing and aiding you in your academic endeavor to understand what you were doing. It was a paper for a stupid physics class you were forced to take, and thankfully Kaibara was a physics student himself. 

Kaibara introduced you to some reliable papers, explaining to you the things you didn’t understand in very perceptive depth and understanding that you didn’t get from your own professor. An hour into talking and you realized that you were no longer crying, your coffee went drunk to completion, and you were smiling while he pointed to different things on your screen.

“I’m y/l/n y/n,” you finally introduced yourself when he was standing to leave. 

“I know,” he nodded, a soft smile on his face. “You have been ordering from me with that name for two years now.”

“Well, it wasn’t ever an introduction, though,” you pointed out with a sigh. “Besides, this is much more official.”

He nodded in agreement, his hand pulling off the headband in his hair, letting his shaggy hair fall onto his eyes. “I’m Kaibara Sen, and I know you didn’t know my first name.”

“I did not,” you agree, your head bowing in both thanks.

He seemed to debate something in his head, teetering between telling you and not, but with a tilt of your head, and a lean towards him, he broke.

“I’m in here a lot, I don’t know if you’ve noticed? I work fulltime on top of going to school and guessing by the professor’s name, you also attend Tokyo University,” Kaibara said, his eyes locked onto yours. “If you want, I can help you out for the rest of the semester with physics. I know that it can be a hard class.”

“Are… are you serious?!” you gasp, your hands pressing to your mouth in undeniable joy and mirth.

“Completely.”

“I’d appreciate that so much!” you chirped, your body resisting the urge to hug him in your gratitude. 

“Okay, that’s good,” he nodded, his feet already moving towards the exit.

You watched as he walked to the door, but noticed that he hesitated when he reached the door.

Wordlessly he lifted up his left arm and showed off a tattoo.

iii

“I’m also on my third reincarnation,” he admitted with a shrug, and the embarrassing memory of your breakdown hit you heavily over the head while your face grew red hot. “It’s totally okay if you haven’t met your soulmate yet, that’s why we have multiple shots, right?”

You were for a loss of words, only managing to nod your head in stunned embarrassment. Kaibara smiled, his face genuinely pleased while he pushed onto the front door.

“Then, I’ll see you later, y/l/n.”

Like that, a friendship was born between you and the cute barista.

Without even this new tutoring system between the two of you, you had always shown up at the coffee shop every day, but now it was put at specific times — typically taking in mind his shift and class schedule. Day in and day out, he would help you out with physics, teaching you about work and joules and energy, and you, in turn, would buy lots of coffee and pastries and even helped him with his own work that wasn’t physics related.

You came to know more about Kaibara too.

About how he was born the same year you were, or how the both of you were a bit scared about the fact that you were on your third reincarnation. You both would even make up extremely extravagant stories of your past lives. Of how you were royalty and the smartest geniuses alive who had created the items you had used to this very day. 

Jokes of knowing Newton and Plato and Shakespeare never failed to make the both of you smile during moments where you weren’t worrying about your academia. 

Kaibara Sen was someone you could come to see could be very special in your life. His often neutral and stoic personality quickly melted away to become invigorating and chaotically loud. He was someone you would very much appreciate to be friends with, no matter what class you could have met him in or timeline you met him in.

“How do you feel about this year?” 

Your words were soft in the empty coffee shop, the warm sweater you wore snug on your body while you drank a new concoction Kaibara made for a future menu item.  It was something sweet, not overwhelmingly so, just enough that made it pleasant to drink without milk or sugar — not that you didn’t mind a cup of black coffee every once in a while.

“I’d rather not make it to a fourth reincarnation,” you heard Kaibara admit, from beside you, his face buried in the notes he was rewriting during your studying session. “This seems like a good time frame to have things end with the person I’m meant to be with. Nothing crazy is happening, it’s calm… I like that.”

“You have no sense of adventure Sen!” you laugh, your hands bringing the coffee cup to the table and writing down your thoughts and rating for the drink onto the yellow paper he had given to you for an official review. “I think I’m going to push it to reincarnation number five, I want to see the flying cars and moving cities.”

“I’m not sure if that sounds horrible or like a nightmare,” he dryly stated, flipping his notebook for the next significant section to write on.

“Don’t be rude,” you huff, your pen scratching out the mistake you made with a frown. “I mean, I wouldn’t remember anything, but it would still be nice!”

“And just who do you think your soulmate is?” Kaibara asked, his pencil dropping on his notes while he shook his sore and tired wrist out. He looked at you with a crooked grin that made you smile back, and he leaned in to whisper, “I can imagine that you’ve pictured what they look like.”

“How’d you know?!” you ask in mock surprise, your hand pressing to your mouth in a dramatic effect.

“You look the type,” he snickered, leaning back against his chair. “Okay, what does a lover boy look like, and what does lover girl look like?”

“Okay, so ideally, a male soulmate will look like a supermodel. Like the kind that just drives girls and older women wild because goddamn is he fine,” you whistle, your tongue wetting your lips in an attempt to mask your humor from this.

“Yes, I can see you with someone like that too,” Kaibara sagely nodded his head, his fingers now grasping the pencil in his hand. “Now, the other?”

“If it’s a girl… I don’t care, just as long as she’s super tall,” you sigh wistfully, your smile growing when Kaibara seems to agree with this information.

“You are ready to meet your soulmate, I’ve decided,” Kaibara announced his pencil scratching his paper as he began to write again.

“Oh thank you, kami-sama, please reveal to me the name of my betrothed.” 

“I will, under one circumstance, and one circumstance only.”

The smile that spread on your face was warm, your eyes looking at how his lips were curled into his own smile that he often enjoyed hiding from you.

“What must a mere stupid mortal like me do?”

Kaibara finished writing his section of the notes before pulling away, his eyes severe while they peered at you. Dark, serious, and very, very intense.

He often confused you; he was so dark and brooding at times but often melted into someone you could only describe as a twelve-year-old boy finding out that his parents installed his favorite game to whatever console he loved most. His eyes, despite their deep charcoal color, seemed to melt into warm chocolate the longer he held your gaze, and finally, he spoke:

“Go on a date with me?”

Your eyes blinked rapidly, and a sour feeling erupted in your chest at his words.

Oh no.

“I… I can’t,” you spoke, your eyes traveling to your lap, the previous warmth in your chest disappearing quicker than the speed of light.

Kaibara blinked, his jaw opening and closing repetitively, almost as if in confusion and misunderstanding of the situation. 

“Can I ask why not?” he spoke, but his voice had never sounded this hollow before.

“I’m actually seeing someone right now,” you admit slowly, your stomach twisting and knotting because dear god had you led him on this entire time? “We uh… we started dating a bit after you and I started talking.”

Kaibara’s face was void of all emotion, the deep chocolate gone from his eyes, replaced with only reliable bitter charcoal. 

“Are they… are they your soulmate?” he asked in the softest of whispers, a tone you recognized as someone who was doing everything in their power not to cry. His nostrils flared, and he trembled slightly, his stoic mask entirely see-through to you. 

“I hope so,” you admit, your fingers digging into your sweater. “I’m sorry, Sen.”

Kaibara’s lips press into a thin wavering line, and he shakes his head, “No, it’s okay. Um, let’s finish up?”

He didn’t accept the rejection well, although he was still a good friend and helping you out, you could read this man better than yourself; it seemed because you could see how much it pained him to sit next to you every day and help you. Study sessions diminished by a lot, his free time being occupied more and more until it was finally after midnight for new years, and despite whispering that you loved your partner at the stroke of midnight, the tattoo remained red — not golden.

 You visited the Primrose Coffeeshop the moment it was opened, and to your dismay, Kaibara had left the shop, and his phone number no longer worked. 

You stayed with your partner; both of you agree to just live out the rest of your life in love since you had been so sure of the other being your soulmate. But no matter how much time had passed, the shape of your soulmate began to resemble Kaibara, but you knew better than to wish for such silly things, especially in this world. For if it was true, there was no use to even trying to find him — after all, the world forbade it.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆ iv ⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

The world was emerging with the beginning of quirks.

There wasn’t a high population of individuals with quirks yet, but there was a growing number of them. People hated those with quirks, pushing backs against the “freaks” of nature, demanding that they get put down and killed without a moment’s thought.

Without a doubt, people with quirks would begin to fight back, some turning to villainy, some to vigilante work, and some to hero work. 

Everything was masked, no one could know anyone’s true identity, or else it would end in heads being chopped off. It was like a comic book gone wrong.

And you? You were a hero, someone just trying to get by because while you didn’t want to be a freak of nature, those with powerful quirks using them against the quirkless still was not a righteous society.

Right now, you were living the most perfect life.

A secret hero that the quirkless were starting to appreciate, keeping a big evil villain in check, succeeding in your job, and in love with none other than Kaibara Sen, who you were so positive was your soulmate.

You screeched as Kaibara held you over his shoulder. Your legs kicked as he threw you onto the bed. His grinning face blowing raspberries into your exposed stomach. Your howls doing nothing to stop him. 

“Stop it!” you shriek, trying to remove his lips from your abdomen. “I’m–Sen–GOING TO PEE IF YOU DON’T STOP!”

Kaibara pulls away, peppering kisses up your chest until he’s kissing you over and over again. Your lips can’t even form a pout from your exhaustion, letting him kiss you so weirdly while you lay in defeat. “If you peed yourself, I would have made you clean it up.”

“You’re the worst boyfriend ever!!!” you moan in exhaustion as Kaibara nuzzles his nose into the crook of your neck. 

“I know, it matches your worst girlfriend category too,” Kaibara grins against your skin, and your fingers tug at his hair, trying to get him to kiss you again.

“Mm, so I’m the worst girlfriend? I might call Silence on myself then,” you tease, your lips pressing against his. 

“I would fight her to keep you then,” Kaibara brushes your hair out of your eyes, and your eyes flutter. God, there was so much you would do for this man. You loved him so much, it hurt you.

“Alright, baby, I have to go! It’s ladies’ night!” you sigh into his mouth despite doing everything you could to keep him there. Kaibara’s hands keep you close to him as his tongue slips into your mouth. You moan in half-hearted defeat at the feeling of his tongue dancing with yours. 

“You can tell Fukuda-san she can rip you out of my fucking hands,” Kaibara growls as he sucks softly against your neck. You arch into him as you shake your head. 

“Stupid, she could totally beat your ass, and you have that — fuck, you have that meeting of yoURS!” you smack his chest when his fingers brush against your bare skin. “Kaibara Sen!”

“Fine, fine, fine!” Kaibara chuckles, pulling away, love lacing his eyes. “I love you, stay safe tonight? You girls can’t handle your liquor.”

You roll your eyes as you peck a last kiss to his lips. “Only because we go straight for the hard stuff!!!”

Kaibara walks you out of his house, and into your car. His face sticking through the window for some last kisses. You give him as many as you can until you have no more time to waste. “Okay, bye! I love you!” you chirped, finally driving off.

You watch as Kaibara continues to wave at you from the street, a smile on your face until you turn the corner. Your smile instantly drops as you’re far away. 

You give a call to Fukuda, and she instantly picks up.

“Hello? Are you ready? There’s a lot of activity going on tonight… I’m worried,” Fukuda’s voice cries, and you’re consumed with the smallest bit of guilt as you drive faster. 

“I’m sorry… where to first?”

~

You ran along rooftops, your eyes locked on the man running away from you. Your breathing is harsh, raspy. You’ve been running for almost an hour now, jumping and weaving through pipes. You’re trying to get to him, the one man you’ve been chasing for years now. The man that taunted your dreams. Your life.

Your eyes caught onto the rubbish on a nearby ceiling, and you threw out your arm. Yellow energy shoots from your arms as it attaches to the objects and falls. Trapping the man by high walls, and a fifty story drop. 

“Come on, you know you want to give in!” you pant as the man stops running, turns around, and his guard is up. His gaze concentrated on you entirely as you stopped in front of him. The yellow energy filling your hands as you raise your own guard. “Give in.”

“As much as I would love to wrestle it out with you, sweetheart, I’m in a loving relationship.” his voice is dripping with sarcasm as whirring noises emit from his skin. 

The two of you were among the minuscule population that had superpowers. A revolutionary feat that had the world in battle. You were a superhero. As if you were straight off a comic book, you fought against people who threatened those beneath them. Hell, most times, you were a glorified therapist! You really only hardly ever got into fistfights, but this man. This… vile man in front of you was an exception. He was cruel.

Using this power of his to create chaos and mayhem. It was not something you liked, you hated him for it, and you have been trying to get him. To corner him! But he was always one step ahead. A finger brushes away from you as you try to get him.

It was a dreadful and repeating dance now, one the two of you frequently explored. You would lunge forward, and he would take a step backward, you would spin out, and he would pull you back in. Even the way you two fought, it was fluid, sharp, deadly, yet melodic. The occasional locking fists could have been a dance had it not been for the fire in your stance.

The masks on his face covered everything on him, but you knew he was looking at you. The only thing you needed though, was to have him pinned to the ground. His wrists in a handcuff as you dropped him off to the police. Then you’d be able to go home to Kaibara, to tell him the only secret you kept from him. 

You ducked under his gyrating fist, something you had known too well as it sent you flying into walls on multiple occasions, but he stopped jumping backward when you rolled to the side.

“I will have to bid you adieu, my sweet Silence! Duty calls, and well, I’m merely here to distract you!”

Your eyes widened as an explosion blew in the distance, and you whipped around. You snap back through to see him waving goodbye, and you freeze. “Oh, no...”

You took off in the direction of the explosion, your heart hammering away as you near it. Screams and cries echoing through the streets as you jumped in to help. Your words aiding everyone in the fiery trap. “Don’t worry, I’m here for you!” You repeated over and over, but their pain never stopped.

~

“Hi, beautiful,” Kaibara says, walking into your room. Your eyes look up at him in the mirror, and your smile is affectionate. Kaibara is in a pair of dark blue slacks. A white button-up shirt that hugged his chest beautifully, and a black-tie with a jacket on. His hair combed back, overall, he was drop-dead gorgeous. 

The brown-haired man walks to you and hugs you by your waist. Kaibara’s eyes dawdling on your outfit as you turn your head to press a kiss to his temple. “Hi.” 

“Let’s go for dinner now?”

You nod your head, this dinner was a much-needed distraction from the explosion after all. “Yes, let’s go.”

The dinner is fantastic. 

You love the way Kaibara’s eyes burn like steady embers into you the entire night, his energy never once wavering. His hand held yours after the meal was over, listening to you all while he pressed fluttering kisses to the tattoo that reads iv. You giggle out his name as he refuses to quit, and your cheeks burn.

“Y/l/n y/n,” Kaibara states, and you raise your eyebrows inviting him to continue. “I met you years ago, and you’re… incredible. Your energy is intoxicating as is your smile.” Kaibara smiles as he kisses the back of your hand. “I love the way you hate Tuesday mornings, I love that you always jump onto your bed, you do not have to, but you do. You complete me, you make me want to be a better person, and I have only one thing to ask…”

Your eyes sparkle with unshed tears, and Kaibara presses up and kneels before you.

“Will you marry me, y/n? Would you do me the honor of being my wife?”

A black velvet box presents itself on his palm. A luminescent diamond ring shining against the light surrounded by primroses, the flower you said represented your love with him. Your tears shedding uncontrollably from your eyes while you grin like a fool.

Your head nods over and over.

“Yes!” You cry as you pepper wet kisses all over his face. “Yes, please! Yes!”

The diamond ring slips onto your finger, and you can’t even begin to describe your emotions as you kiss him. The cheering of the crowds disappearing as you hold him even closer.

He asked you for your hand that night, and yet you felt united in a whole other way. The overwhelming love between the two of you palatable the entire night.

~

You struggle against the wall, gasping as the villain holds you by your throat. You had foiled his next plan and were now paying dearly for it. 

You slam your foot into his crotch, and he grunts, letting you go. You collapse to the ground gasping for air. You stagger but act quickly, sweeping his feet out from underneath him. He falls to the ground, and you shoot energy from your hands, allowing you to smoothly and rapidly hop on top of him. You press your knees into his arms, and he hisses.

His legs sweep up, kicking you forward, and you tumble off of him.

So the two of you embark on another dangerous dance of yours. Fukuda screams in your ear about the dangers lurking around you if you don’t get out of there! But you had landed a hit, you were going to get him today!

You duck under a punch and shove a palm to his ribcage. He stumbles backward, you narrow your eyebrows as you lock an energy strand around his leg, pulling him in. You race over, but you miss the whirring of his skin. You’re blown backward, white-hot pain scorching your cheek, the mask on your face cracking in two. You gasp for air, the mask breaking completing as it falls to the ground. You couldn’t hear Fukuda yelling at you anymore as knees slam into your chest, and you wheeze.

Your eyes lock onto the villain before you. His arm cocked back for another devastating punch, but he’s frozen. His body is still. You don’t feel your energy power up, only that your arm is thrust up, and he’s thrown off you. A sickening crash is heard, and you sit up wheezing. 

You stare at the man, your vision dizzy, and you feel sick.

Not because you’re dizzy, but because of the face that’s revealed as his mask falls.

Kaibara.

His eyes are so vast, and your eyes are tearing up.

He can’t stand up, and you stumble to your feet, swaying where you stand.

“Get the fuck out of there, y/n!” Fukuda’s voice is yelling at you, and you flinch, finally hearing it. 

“Sen…” You whisper, your head shaking in disbelief. “You can’t be… how are you, Spinner?”

The villain’s name. The name you loathe, the name you refuse to use. You prefer ‘villain’ because giving him a name gives him an identity. A reason for him to be committing the atrocities he’s committed.

How was this man in front of you the person you loved with all your heart? 

You can’t remember running away. You only remember that you’re back in your house sobbing as you stare at the diamond ring on your nightstand.

~

You stare at the ceiling of your room. You feel hollow. 

Since that fateful encounter, neither one of you has attempted to reach out. Neither one of you calling, texting, or showing up. You hated it, but you couldn’t stand seeing him here. How could you ever talk to the man you love knowing who he was? What he was; what he is?

You knew everyone had secrets, but why was his secret this, anything but this…

The engagement ring is on your finger still. It makes perfect sense, everything tells you that it should be there. But it feels heavy… it weighs you down in more ways than its weight. Could you really forgive a man like him? Yes, he’s your Kaibara, but he’s also Spinner.

Notorious as the underground crime king. Spinner was someone you’ve been fighting since day one. It made you nauseous, just thinking about how that man was your Kaibara. 

How were they the same person?

The floorboards in your hallway creak, and you slam up. Your eyes concentrating on the doorframe. Your mouth runs dry as you stare at angry black eyes. His mouth pressed into a flat line as his hands roughly weave through his hair. 

It hurts knowing that it wasn’t a hoax. You knew Kaibara Kaibara like the back of your hand, and being able to read him now burned your throat and heart. You lick your lips as he steps closer, his eyes focused on you. 

“You’re Silence?”

“You’re Spinner…”

Kaibara shakes his head, his lips barking with cold humor as he can’t believe it. To be fair, you can’t either as you stare at his conflicted features. 

“I don’t understand?” he admits, his eyes swimming with confusion, anger, and yet longing. 

“You and me both,” you laugh bitterly, shaking your head as you look up at him. “Care to explain?”

“I don’t really want to.” Kaibara shakes his head, his smile sad, and you blink. 

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” you snap, your brows furrowing when you stalk over to Kaibara, who held his ground. “You’re the one causing all this mayhem, and you’re not going to even explain it to me?!”

“What’s the point, y/n? So that you can cry the next time we meet? You’re not going to give me mercy! You don’t understand! So why should I bother?!” Kaibara’s face clouded, angry, and focused. 

“Because you fucking love me!” you hiss, shoving Kaibara with your full strength. This entire time you’ve been able to pull off using mere fractions of your power. Enough to fight with Kaibara, but definitely not enough to send him stumbling backward. 

Kaibara’s black eyes snap on you as he gathers his balance. “Don’t do this.”

“I am a hero!” you tremble, your hands pulling at the roots of your hair. Your heart is racing in the worst of ways. You feel faint, ready to fall over, and never wake back up. “I save people nearly every damn day, Kaibara! I save people from you!”

There’s a glower on his face, and you know it’s because you’re putting Kaibara on a fence he doesn’t want to be. A wall that he hates. Kaibara always had something to say, he wasn’t one to pretend to not have an opinion, and so this was killing him.

“Some people in this world deserve to have checks,” Kaibara states, his steely voice calm, his eyes raging. “I don’t do anything to people who don’t deserve it.”

Your nostrils flare, and you can feel your throat thick with emotions. What the actual fuck was he on? “Really? Do these people deserve to die? People fucking deserve to get their life blown to shreds because of what? Because you think they’re corrupt? Oh, grow the fuck up, Kaibara! No, I don’t believe your bullcrap! Do you think I really haven’t tried finding correlations? Correlations for every single crime you committed? Yes, these people are terrible! But that’s why we have other ways of stopping them! You can’t play fucking god and decide whether these people deserve to live or not! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

You’re pressed flat against his chest. Your chest heaving with lack of air and overwhelming emotions. Kaibara’s face contorted with anger. His black eyes flashing before sinking into blackness. 

Then you say words you wish you could regret, words that broke your heart as you said it.

“How can you expect me to love someone like you?”

He left your shared place after that. The year ended, and there was nothing to stop the tragic downfall of both Spinner and Silence, both of you never recovered from this moment.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆ v ⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

“Kaibara, is that you?!”

Your eyes looked at the brown-haired man walking into the hero agency where you were currently a sidekick in. 

It had been two years since graduating from UA, and you were here with Miruko, a signing that had honestly shocked many, many people when it happened. Sure enough, as an alumnus of UA and being a part of his rival classroom 1-A, it was a pleasant surprise to see someone outside of your classmates.

“Y/l/n?” he greeted you in return, his hands resting on his hips, his body completely decked out in his uniform. You guessed he started his day before you.

“It’s been so long!” you grin, stopping at his side with your hands clutched by your thighs, “How can I help you today?”

“Well, I need some help. I’m here to recruit you to help with Gang Orca’s mission.”

You watched him hand you a folder and immediately upon reading it understood why he was here for you. This was a job that was perfect with your quirk.

“I can help out,” you say after reading the file, a smile on your face. “Will you be there?”

“I am his sidekick, plus I gathered most of the evidence,” Kaibara shrugged, and you nodded.

“Okay, sounds good, Spiral.”

Kaibara smiled, his eyebrow lifted while he walked away. “Good, see you then.”

You and Kaibara always got along, maybe it was because both of you were the only people in UA who were on their fifth reincarnation cycle, but knowing you weren’t alone was always nice. He was still kind to you, even if he seemed bland at times, but you came to see that it was just… him. Regardless he was a formidable foe and a strong hero. Your only regret was not getting as close to him as you could have since the rivalry between the two classes never lessened.

The team-up mission went smoothly. The extraction of the hostages on top of capturing the brass of the cult, and stopping their influence on victims of their power was an excellent boost to your reputation and Miruko’s agency. Still, you had suffered minor injuries and had an EMT checking you out this very moment.

Your eyes fell on Kaibara, who was a few strides away. He had a nasty looking bruise on his jaw, a punch he had taken for you during your lack of attention. Signaling that you were fine now, the EMT let you go, and you walked over to Kaibara, your guilt looming heavy in your stance.

“Sorry for getting you hurt,” you apologized, your finger looming over the spot where he got hit on your own skin.

“No problem,” he brushed it off with a shrug of his shoulders. “You didn’t see it, plus you still got it handled in the end, which was much more important.”

“Yeah, but now I feel like I owe you drinks or something,” you huff, not at all pleased with how he was okay with this.

A silence fell over you two, the EMT avoiding eye contact as if this was like avoiding the plague. But with your vision glued to your feet, you didn’t catch the way that his eyebrows bunched and relaxed over and over in thought until finally, he spoke.

“I could go for drinks.” 

And so this night where you and Kaibara found yourselves at a bar with drinks in hands, did you realize that you wanted to actually get to know him. You didn’t want to associate Kaibara as the other fifth reincarnation cycle guy, or the guy from class 1-B, you wanted to know him for… him. 

It turned out, he felt the same way. 

Thus began a strange but quaint relationship between the two of you.

Kaibara ended up being a personality you enjoyed to be around a lot. He often danced between being a straight face and serious, to chaotic and enthusiastic, to sometimes straight-up aggressive and demanding. The fluctuation often amuses you, three different branches to his personality, much like the three spirals on his gloves. 

“I don’t think I’m ridiculous,” you point out, your finger following Kaibara’s walking form as he was grabbing the two of you drinks from his fridge. “I get that most people give up at this point, but I really do think I’ll meet my soulmate this time about!”

Kaibara looked at you incredulously when he sat next to you, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbow so you could see the Roman numeral for five tattoo on his wrist. “What makes this lifetime so special? Besides, we know that soulmates always meet in every reincarnation. If you and your soulmate haven’t clicked since the first cycle, what’s the point in fighting so hard at this cycle?” A frown overcomes your face, and you glare at Kaibara, who struggles to uphold a serious reaction. “I’m sorry, too far?”

“Shut up.”

His laughter fills the room while you turn away from him pouting. 

“So you don’t want to meet your soulmate?” you asked, trying your hardest to not sound too nosey but just the perfect amount of curiosity. 

“I’d love to meet my soulmate, don’t get it wrong,” Kaibara sighs, his back falling onto the back of the couch, his head tilting up to the ceiling. “But it’s… weird to keep my hopes up. With no memories of past reincarnations, it seems like I’m stumbling around in the dark.”

You hummed, your fingers bringing the drink to your mouth and taking a small sip from it.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?” you asked when you brought your cup down.

Kaibara looked at you, his eyes like the void, daunting dark yet beautiful, “Why?”

“Well, if this is going to be my last reincarnation, I don’t want to live a life of regrets,” you smile, your head tilting to the side. “I would always regret not asking you out.”

His face melted into one of softness and undeniable excitement at your practical confession, “As long as you think your class could handle you dating someone from class 1-B.”

“I think that’s more of a question of if your class can handle you dating someone from class 1-A!”

So the two of you began to date.

It took no time for you to fall inexplicably and wholly in love with Kaibara Sen; he was perfect for you. Day and night he was someone you could entirely rely on, never once would he slip up, always coming to aid you when you needed it and vice versa. There were still hard nights, after all, you were still human. 

But rain or shine, momentous fight or sweet staples of your relationship, the both of you always ended up in the same bed, holding each other close as night consumed you. 

Before you knew it, it was New Year's Eve, and instead of going out tonight, you and Kaibara decided to stay in. A feeble nervous attempt in the hope that the two of you genuinely were soulmates. Five reincarnations later, and now you would finally find out if he was made for you if you were made for him.

“I want to give these to you,” Kaibara spoke to you when you came to the couch, a hefty blanket in your arms that you planned on drawing the both of you in while you watched the fireworks display on a TV monitor. Today was your first day off in a while, and because the crime rate was notoriously low on this holiday, staying home together sounded better than a clashed reunion of your high school classmates.

Your eyes found the small bouquet of primroses in his hands, the pink and white flowers sitting charmingly in their tan paper. A smile spread across your face immediately, and you brought your lips to him in a chaste kiss.

“They’re beautiful, thank you,” you happily sigh, moving to sit at his side, snuggled comfortably against him with the blanket over both of you. “What do they mean?”

“I can’t live without you,” Kaibara whispered, his eyes locking against yours.

And with warm cheeks, you smiled earnestly and connected your lips against his. 

The bouquet went forgotten as the two of you continued your passionate kiss, the words of ‘I love you’ continuing to pour from your lips well past midnight. Hope and endearment fully saturated between your hopeful mouth.

And alas, my dearest reader, I’m glad to tell you that at last, you found the one meant for you.

Primroses graced each of your lives with Kaibara Sen; after all, they were the flower of love, a flower that also meant that you couldn’t live without the other — a real sign of soulmate love through reincarnation. And my sweet reader, the moment your lips removed from Kaibaras as the stroke of midnight passed, the words of love exchanged between the two of you with complete honesty, you’ll be pleased to know that the tattoo turned to gold.

#kaibara x reader #kaibara sen x reader #bnha #bnha x reader #mha x reader