#i've seen so much hate from Within the community and it's been. a week! i'm begging you all to calm down

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Costume Meta 7x04

How we all doing?? have we managed to find some semblance of equilibrium in this new world where we have canon bi buck?? I’m not sure I’ll ever know how to exist in this world but that’s fine with me! I’m still here writing my silly costume metas and having a blast in this bright new world!

No Hen this week as we never see her out of uniform!

The rest is below the cut because you would all hate me if i clogged your feeds with this beast (shes 7k)- you have been warned!!

Actually going to start this week with a uniform out of work section!

Because three times in this episode, we had one of the firefam wearing an element of their uniform out of work and its actually pretty key!

We have Bobby in his LAFD polo when he informs Athena that Harry is wanted for assault and he fled the state.

Then we have Chim at the basketball game in his LAFD hoodie

And finally Buck at the airfield on his tour with Tommy.

All three are playing into the idea of protecting ones self by being in an official capacity in some way. Firefighters (like all first responders) are of course there to 'protect and serve' the community.

Bobby delivers the news to Athena about Harry - he's in uniform because he can inhabit a small aspect of his captain mentality - makes it easier to deliver the news and also gives him the distance to play the 'don't shoot the messenger' card if necessary.

Chimney has to step into paramedic mode at the end of the scene. The LAFD hoodie separates him from everyone else at the court and foreshadows that he will have to 'go to work' its also about chimney being there as the colleague not the almost brother in-law of Buck. An important distinction - it protects Chim from being seen to favour anyone (specifically from Buck. (Buck is angry and not being rational so Chimney has protection from Bucks potential anger for helping Eddie - Buck is already feeling awful by that point so the protection isn't needed but it provides cover if it were) and allows him to go into first responder mode. (this is so badly worded but I'm sure you get what I mean!!)

Buck is at the airfield under the guise of wanting to find out more about becoming an air support firefighter - its the cover under which he is operating to try and befriend Tommy. The jacket also provides him protection from Eddie when he shows up and finds out Buck is not coming to Vegas with him and Tommy.

Bobby

Just the one costume for Bobby this week - a maroon tee that her's wearing to sleep in. we see him in this colour a lot - its a bit of a staple colour for him and I've spoken a lot about maroon tees and shirts representing parental roles in relation to the various children of the 118. Its no different here -we can see from Bobbys face he isn't buying what Harry is saying and the parental concern we see evidenced here plays out with him calling Michael and finding out what is really going on.

Athena

Athena wears a lot of black this week, which is fairly typical from her, although we are in a much more overall muted palette than usual and its missing the jewel tones we're used to seeing her increasingly wear. its a bit of a signal of returning to normality now they're back from the cruise disaster.

She starts off in black and pink pyjamas but I'm going to talk about those at the end in the pink section so we're skipping ahead to this ruffle smocked cream blouse and her gorgons head necklace is back. the ruffling is an nod to her feathers being ruffled when Bobby tells her about Harry and his arrest warrant, and the white with the black trousers is about things being black and white - for Athena as a cop things do tend to be black and white when it comes to the law - of course Athena has always been one to work within the law to bend the rules but in this moment things are black and white.

Then we have her all in black with a red longline cardigan which has a open weave that give the appearance of mesh or a cage. The show has been using Red since day one which makes sense as it is a first responder show and you literally cannot escape it when the fire trucks are red! But they have always been pretty careful about when they use bright red in the costuming meaning its appearance with such regularity this season so far is pretty telling. Its an advance warning of incoming danger/trouble/strife, but it is rarely worn by the one who is directly in danger - they will be involved, but not the centre of it. The best example of this is Bucks bright red broadcloth shirt when Christopher calls him because Eddie is smashing up his bedroom.

Here we have it on Athena in the scene when things are about to properly kick into action with Harrys story. Athena is literally a red net about to ensnare Harry. its the one time in this episode we see Athena in a bold bright colour - something that generally is attached to her being happy or having fun, but not here.

The denim sleeveless shirt/jacket when Athena goes to the hospital to visit the lady who shot her son (does she have a name - I cant remember!) and later to talk to Harry about the reality of his altercation, is quite bulky and blocky. It's far less fitted, structured or flowy that we are used to seeing on Athena. To me this is about playing into her struggles to tread the line between mother and cop - that neither role fits right. That denim is also a fabric associated with labour, it suggests Athena is working hard to figure it out.

Then we get this all black outfit when she takes Harry to the station - it is such a simple yet effective bit of costuming, especially with the silver zips and buckles- it blends her in with the police officers in the station so she can hover the line between mom and cop - and makes it look like an arresting officer bringing in a suspect.

Harry

New Harry comes with a new style!!

I actually can't wait to see how they dress him over the rest of the season because there was a definite colour theme at play here this week with all the beiges, greens and redish browns which is very not how younger Harry dressed (he was much more bright colours).

Not going to lie - my hatred for the copaganda and the fact I've been in Bi Buck land since the episode aired has made it hard to focus on Harrys outfits in greater detail, but I do have a few thoughts!

This first shirt is a map print, maps denote journey's andHarry is on a literal and metophorical journey - the literal being the one he made form Florida to LA. The metaphorical one is all about his journey to become a man, and learning to take responsibility for his actions, so this shirt is essentially setting out his arc for the season - Makes me feel like the storylines with harry we're going to see are going to be about the community service he has to undertake and him figuring things out and growing up a bit in relation to that.

Then next up we have this cream hoodie with an brownish beige pocket. the thing I found interesting about this choice was the fact that Harry played himself off as innocent. lawyers usually instruct their clients to wear white shirts to court, and to avoid loud patterns. The white is because i suggests purity or innocence, and the loud patterns should be avoided because it suggests you're trying to employ subterfuge (that you're lying). So Harry wearing a block of cream is a play on this idea. We see him in the map shirt before - when he is employing subterfuge about his reasons for visiting, and now this cream is him trying to suggest his innocence to his mother - the use of cream rather than white is telling us that he isn't as innocent as he is making out!

Finally we have check theory (my most beloved) in play. harry returns to wearing patterns - this one check and in greens and browns. there is an element of military to the green shades, its a coloour we've seen used on Eddie to show his military background, but it is also a colour frequently worn by Athena - usually when she is fighting for her family in some way. Here it feels like a refelction of that, with the added aspect of green being a colour of growth. Harry shows contrition and is willing to take his punishement, showing his growth, but also showing his understanding of fighting for his family - and Athenas willingness to do the same. its showing us tht he is his mothers son. And of course the check is the pointer towards the fact he is in trouble - that his earlier protestations of innocence were false!

Then we move on the he Buckley-Hans

Chimney

Only the one for Chimney this week, it's a very short scene where he is completely oblivious to the tone of the conversation. He's dressed completely in greys and is by all accounts neutrally costumed. this is intentional - he's not the focus of this scene and when we think that so much of this episode is shown from Bucks pov, the use of neutral grey makes sense - Buck is projecting on to chimney in this scene. Buck himself is speaking his jealousy and fear, while what Chimney says is actually the little voice inside his head that isn't in fact jealous of Tommy, but is impressed by him

Maddie

Again only two costumes for Maddie this week and one of them is her dispatch outfit, but I'm including it because of its place with a mini colour theme for this episode, which both of her outfits play into.

I spoke about the use of red in Athenas section and its representing danger, and it is in play for both of Maddie's outfits, the wearer changes though. In the first scene, Maddie is in blue - dark blue. a tee with 'The Great School' and bobcat logo on the front. I love this, the bobcat is a symbol of inner strength and resilience in the face of adversity, while Maddie is a great source of learning for Buck - he essentially raised him and has been a sounding board for him since she returned to his life. Maddie is the next level wise older sister, her point of view is important to Buck and is grounding for him. She had got him to back down from his spiral over Eddie and Chris, until Chimney came in (and like I said above, that was Bucks inner voice, not really Chimney)

Then we have her dispatch uniform and its red. This is a clever play actually, it allows the costume team to put Maddie into red, a colour we don't really see on her outside of work (a deliberate choice as it helps distinguish work from non work to the audience). Just like Buck was the angry one in the other Buckley siblings scene, her Maddie is the one who is angry (with good reason) and we again get Buck recieving education at he hands of Maddie - in her place of work where she is a lifeline to people and where she holds authority. Buck needed her in a lifeline capacity in this moment and he got it, despite her anger. She gave him the advice and help he needed.

Eddie

Eddie my man looking suave and confident - this Eddie is Bucks version of Eddie so of course he looks cool, well dressed and in a green and black combo. In nearly every scene where Eddie nad Buck have a deep meaningful conversation - one that gets through to Buck on a higher level - that works on Bucks abandonment complex, Eddie is dressed in a black shirt and khaki green trousers (the only exception is the will reveal when he's in navy blue but that is to play in the yellow blue colour theming and its a close to black as they could have a blue!), this outfit is an inverse though, which is actually really clever. Eddie (Bucks version) here is playing into Bucks fear of abandonment - Bucks version of Eddie has spent so long building him up and chipping away at that fear that to invert that colour theme and have green on top and black trousers is a fun way of inverting that chipping away at Bucks fear - this is putting another brick in that abandonment wall

The black tank top!! Its back and everybody cheered! Ok so I wrote this meta about when the show puts Eddie into a black tank top and how it means he's in an emotionally vulnerable place and once more, the theory plays out. Obviously Eddie gets physically injured, but his face when he looks at Buck after he's gone down shows him emotionally vulnerable. Yes there is a little bit of anger and a lot of pain in the look he gives him, but there is also understanding and a little guilt too.

It's the moment Eddie realises that he has unintentionally sidelined his best friend, and the effect that has had on Buck and his abandonment issues. This is Eddie showing his truly deep understanding of Buck and how Buck ticks (and because this is also from Bucks pov, its also showing us Buck understanding that Eddie understands how Buck ticks) we get all of this proven when Tommy comes over to Bucks later and clearly states that Eddie is feeling bad about the whole situation.

It is also worth noting that When Buck has seen Eddie at the gym or being sporty in some way Eddie has either been in uniform or in a black singlet and that he always looks super competent (even if he is working through things when he is in the black singlet). From my perspective, this is an interesting choice to play into because it suggests Buck recognises Eddies emotional maturity over him, even when he's not in a great place (we can discount fight club Eddie becasue Buck didn't actually see him there), its clearly something Buck admires and places as central to how he sees Eddie.

Tommy

Tommys costuming is chefs kiss perfection to me. The wardrobe department have literally dressed him as Eddie and I am living for it.

Its a way to emphasise that Tommy and Eddie are super similar. this serves two purposes - it builds a visual connection for the audience - we don't need to be shown Tommy in the army or fighting/ training in Muay Thai etc, we can mentally make a connection to the ones we've seen of Eddies in the past and accept the information as fact. obviously not all people who join the army or undertake MMA are going to dress the same, but this is television where visual information is valuable real estate, so playing into tropes and stereotypes is a key piece of arsenal.

The other thing about it is the specific Eddies its calling back to - fight club Eddie and to a lesser extent, post breakdown Eddie when he's back in therapy and unrepressing himself.

Tommys basketball outfit is really about making him stand out from everyone else - it makes him seem to appear more because the blue shorts and the light coloured top will catch your eye, even if he's not the focus of the camera at that moment. This is all about the fact that this is Bucks perspective on things - he is seeing Tommy everywhere and feeling like he's taking over/ taking away Eddie and so we the audience feel that same thing in a visual way. The thing the blue shorts do is visually connect Tommy to buck in the next scene we see Buck in - when he is talking to Maddie at dispatch - the blues are similar enough for us to subconsciously connect back to that scene and link Buck and Tommy together rather than Buck to Eddie - who Buck is dressed more similarly too in the basketball scene.

It doesn't hurt that the blue shorts also play into yellow blue theory - especially against the sunsets yellow hues in a scene that is playing homage to a famously queer coded scene from Top gun.

Then there is this outfit from Bucks loft. again is very similar to an Eddie outfit - its the same style of shirt we often see Eddie wearing especially in seasons 4 and 5.

Tommys jeans have always been reminiscent of Eddies Jeans (I mean I know they are jeans, but I promise the significance will become clear when I get to Buck!)

Even Tommys watch is similar to Eddies Christopher watch (every other watch in the show worn by the men is all black - black strap black face and mount only the Christopher watch is different) in that it has a different coloured strap to the watch face and its mount.

The other thing I want to mention quick, is the progression of Tommys costumes in relation to them being similar to Eddies. By this I mean the first non uniform costume we see Tommy in is very stage 2 Eddie, while the one below is very much more stage 3 Eddie.

I also really like the use of a purple/red/black shot tee for this scene as well. If you watch the scene through, the way its lit changes its colour as different sections of the scene unfold. The red tones are there early on, during the apology and conversation around Eddie being allowed to have more than one friend and Christophers adoration of Buck. it gives it that air of danger lurking, because Tommy isn't sure how things are going to play out. and plays into the red/blue theme we saw with Buck and Maddie in this episode - just on a much lower level.

Then it turns this purplish shade as we move into the initial stages of flirting - from the moment Buck moves around the counter to put himself in the same space as Tommy. It gives things an air of mystery, but purple can also be a colour of enlightenment - both elements are in play here and I love they were able to do this with this shirt.

The shirt turns black at the moment Tommy says 'my attention' - the moment he essentially hold all the cards on making a move - he is the one with the power here (as the already queer person in the room) and black is a power colour, so its the perfect choice for the moment he makes his move.

Buck

Buck my beloved bi disaster. His costumes were doing some pretty impressive storytelling this episode!

We start off at the air field - I spoke at the start about this LAFD jacket and the theme of protection, but I also have other things to say about it and the rest of the costume. We don't generally see Buck out of work wearing uniform (we actually don't see many of the firefam in uniform out of work tbh) so when we do its going to have meaning. T

he thing with the bomber jacket being the choice (they could've made it a hoodie which we've seen him wear out of work more!) is that on one level plays into its name and the fact that its being worn at an airfield, while on another level it low key plays into the Buck cheating arc. which is actually fun - the idea that he's 'cheating' on the 118 by claiming he's thinking about his career options and also cheating on Eddie by trying to befriend Tommy (because at this point that is all it is its only once Eddie appears that things change).

The trousers are also important. I know I've said before about how trousers are less important than tops because they are less likely to get screen time. We not here - here they are really important, but only with the context of the rest of the episode.

These are the short in the leg dark trousers we've come to know and love on Buck - he's been solidly wearing them since season 2 and what we have seen him wearing so far in season 7 so no surprises to see them here. But this is the last time we see them and its super important and telling.

We also have Bucks white trainers - the ones that he wears when he moves forward on his journey - we see him in them the entire time this episode.

Buck and Maddie this episode have a red v blue thing going on in their scenes together. In this one Buck is in red and Maddie in blue. I spoke about the red for danger theme they seem to be using this season for the red clothes above in Athenas section and it applies here - Buck in red is foreshadowing the danger/strife that the basketball game presents as that is what he is talking about and what he is most upset about over Tommy and Eddies friendship.

It's a slightly burnt out red in comparison to Bobbys red shirt from the cruise, Athenas red cardigan, or even the red he wore when Eddie had his breakdown. Its not a full high alert colour, its a more muted and restrained colour - suggesting the danger is going to be less of a big thing, that it's just a part of it rather than the main big thing

We can also see that Buck is now wearing more traditional stonewash jeans - this is the first time we're seeing them on him since Eddies arrival at the fire house. I'll explain them in more detail in Bucks last outfit of the episode, but I needed to point their presence out here.

Basketball Buck in his white shirt and dark blue marl cut off tee - its very Buck posturing at the firehouse gym and its meant to be. Its a direct reference to the last time Buck showed any jealousy towards Eddie. The shorts are different this time in that they're white/light grey rather than black, but I think this is done for two reasons - it creates a pairing with Eddie - they are dressed similarly with dark tops and lighter grey shorts, but on opposite teams/sides.

It also makes him stand out from everyone else at the game - excepting Tommy (and a random guy in a red top with white shorts that I'm living for. When Red = foreshadowing as I've talked about above, this guys actions on the court are precursors of what is about to happen - we see him bump into Tommy - a couple of moments later and Buck does the same thing, then just before Eddie gets taken out by Buck, he gets breezed past by Eddie stumbles and starts limping. Its fun and clever and not something many people will pick up on - its a bit like the role of the bullet in Hamilton!)

Bucks bright blue chunky corduroy shirt with white tee underneath. I already spoke about the visual connection between Tommy from the basketball game and this shirt. It also fits into the red and blue theme I spoke about above - this time Buck is the one in blue and with the combination of Buck in his danger incoming white shirt and Maddie being in red it signals exactly what this scene is going to be about.

The danger, in my opinion, is Maddies wrath at Buck getting physical with Eddie. Its a perfectly valid and important response from her and plays into the growth we get from Buck in this episode that is not connected to his bi awakening - the recognition and acceptance of his bad behaviour in a far more mature way than we saw from s3 Buck.

The chunky corduroy give the shirt vertical stripes and we all know how I feel about Buck and vertical stripes at this point - I wrote about them a lot in my seasons 5 and 6 metas and the blue and white nature of bucks outfit plays into the theming that was at play in early season 6 - where Buck was free from Taylor and resisting buying a couch because he was looking for the right couch etc. (and playing house husband to Eddie nad feeding them!!!)

Here in this episode we kind of have Buck going through a similar process - free from the shackles of death and trying to figure things out - who he is and what he wants, he's still on that hamster wheel in many ways at this point in the episode but he is about to jump off it.

This is the key to happiness and Lev's advice and the year of yes scene 2.0 - the same shade of blue are at play here. Lev figuring it out ('I get it now') just as he's dying and Buck then trying to figure out what Lev had figured out and essentially failing before he died only to now get it and free himself is a blue thread we've been following through season 6 up to bucks death, then the use of this shade of blue in Bucks costumes tailed off - we saw it reappear a couple of times after the lightening strike - specifically around Natalia and his continues flirtation with death - almost like his hovering around death was him trying to grasp what Lev had figured out.

Then the blue had been gone again only for it to reappear here in this episode in a scene that precedes Bucks bi awakening and his comments about being free and 'yeah that works' with their double meanings that play in the same way as lev's 'I think i get it now' just without death coming immediately after. It's a scene when he starts to get an inkling on what his jealousy is actually about. (The fact we know he's going to be back in this bright blue in the next episode in a scene with Eddie - that is very likely a coming out scene also plays into this idea.)

And the stone wash jeans are once more there for all to see!

Then we get this dark navy blue shirt with silvery white dots and yet again those stone wash jeans.

Ok lets talk about the jeans! The fact that we haven't seen Buck wearing stone wash jeans, which if you watch the opening couple of seconds of the dispatch scene, you will see are proper normal length on him and not ankle swingers like we've got used to seeing him in for the last few seasons!

The thing with him suddenly wearing these stonewash jeans is all about imitation - imitation of Tommy (and by extension, imitation of Eddie even though we don't see Eddie in stonewash denim in this episode) because you know that old adage of dressing like the person you want to be , or the idea that you subconsciously start dressing like the person you have a crush one?? Well yeah - Buck has all these new feelings that he doesn't know what to do with, but Tommy is cool and Tommy dresses like Eddie and Eddie seems to like Tommy better than Buck now so maybe if Buck starts dressing a bit like Tommy he'lI get Eddies attention back. So he's pulled out the stone wash jeans so that he's dressed a bit more like Tommy, but he's also dressing a bit like his crush that he doesn't yet realise is a crush.

The other small thing that I think is a nice nod - So Like I said earlier, the last time we see the jeans is in 2x01 - Eddies introduction to the firehouse. This is the moment (on screen at least for us as viewers) that Buck ceases to be the probie - that baton is passed to Eddie, so its almost like a symbol of him graduating and maturing in some way. then we get the jeans back for Bucks bi awakening - we see them the entire time he's navigating all these new feelings he has - he's never been with a man, so he's like a probie again.

The thing is, that the jeans appear to be gone for his date with Tommy (makes sense - he's on a date so he's got to look good for his man!) , and from what I can tell from the (super dark even when brightened) stills from the Buck Eddie loft scene, it would appear they are gone for that scene too. We've had bts of Oliver in the jeans again, so I don't think they're gone completely, but that makes sense, he's still a baby queer after all, still navigating his way through things.

On to the shirt! I wrote a whole meta about this shirt (and the jeans actually!) when we first got this still - you can read it here and I'm still a little awestruck at how close to the mark I got!

What I want to add to what I said, now I have context is that the two previous times we've seen blue shirts with dots are played upon in this scene - the lawsuit is the obvious one and the parallel is showing Bucks growth - he got jealous and worried about being replaced and ended up lashing out and suing everyone, now he got jealous and thought he was being replaced, but as soon as he lashes out, he realises he is in the wrong and verbally acknowledges it.

The diner with Maddie scene is a bit more tricky to parse out, but for me, it ties to Doug - Maddie is quick to call Buck out when he confesses to Eddies injury not being an accident, because of her experiences at the hands of Doug. In the diner scene she is determined to go back to her apartment and her life in the aftermath of killing him - she wants life to go back to normal. In the loft scene Buck is trying to achieve that end too - he's in a new world where Tommy exists as part of his life now (as Eddies friend initially) and he wants to clear the air and move forward - so he's still a part of Eddies life.

I also want to talk about the contrast between this scene and the one where Taylor turns up at his door after the shooting and the difference between being chased and doing the chasing. Its spots v stripes!

Buck is in a similar shirt - short sleeved button up in a dark shade (black) - this one with vertical stripes for the Taylor scene and he thinks he's being chased for the first (ish) time (Abby sort of chased him but he is the one who pushed for it to be a relationship when I think she just wanted a bit of fun and a hook up! so I'm not sure if it actually counts or not). Thing is Taylor only chases him after they've already kissed and when he's then made it clear thats what needs to happen. (as an aside - Natalia does pursue Buck - not romantically, but because he has died - and she is the one wearing vertical stripes

While in this scene he doesn't have to say anything, yes he flirts, but he isn't explicit about what hewants - Tommy is the one who makes the decision to go for it, and so when he genuinely gets pursued, he is wearing dots

Chased verse's doing the chasing - dots v stripes

Then we have the Pink.

Pink is back in full force in 7x04 with it popping up regularly throughout the episode.

I didn't include Athenas pink dressing gown or Bucks pink shorts in their sections because I actually wanted to talk about them here. The context the scenes they were in gave me the information I needed to figure out what I think the purpose of all the pink we've been seeing is.

Lets start with a quick recap of all the pink from the 3 previous episodes then we'll look at the pink from this episode as well as the fact I've already spotted some for 7x05 from the trailer

7x01

Athena's pale pink top in therapy with Frank

Sue at dispatch in a pink cardigan

Christophers pencil is pink when he's sat at his desk - when he reads the letter from Shannon

Marisol in her bright pink strappy top

Lola's Manzanillo outfit is bright pink and white

Norman has pink flowers on his Hawaiian shirt and he later wears a bright pink polo shirt when he's pretending Lola is still with him.

7x02

the woman who is teaching her daughter to drive

the pink roses on Hen's jacket (which I know I said play into the theme of family bonds etc but the pink has a second meaning)

7x03

The cruise ship family nearly all wear pink at various points (grandma and mom are the exceptions)

and now 7x04

We have Ashley C in hot pink at the Bachelor mansion

Athena in her dusty pink ddressing gown (and pyjama pants

The woman who shot her son is in pink

And then there are Bucks pink shorts!

All of these scenes with the pink are scenes about either naivety and or innocence

The pink on Athena is about her being naive about her relationship with Bobby - not recognising that she is nothing to fear about them spending time together.

Sues pink cardigan. Sue's line is about the civilians at risk from the fighter jet - she is representing their innocence

Christophers pink pencil - in that scene his behaviour might be naive (he's a child so of course it is) but it comes from a place of complicated feelings as he does begin to mature - he was the innocent party in the loss of Shannon and he is the one left to suffer.

Lola is naive on the ship about having an affair and thinking she could get away with it and that it wouldn't hurt Norman. She’s also innocent in the plot regarding the bitcoin (or whatever it was)

Norman is also both naive and innocent - not recognising the fact his wife is cheating, for selling up their entire life and he is innocent in the bitcoin plot.

The mother and daughter were innocent in the car crash.

the pink flowers on Hens jacket hint at her being innocent of any wrong doing (from a departmental perspective) at the car accident.

The cruise family are innocent - just in the wrong place at rhetorical wrong time and they are a representation of all the innocent people on the boat who end up in danger on that ship.

I think the Marisol top is an interesting one - it plays into Chris being naïve thinking he can date multiple girls without them finding out. But I also think it’s foreshadowing her naivety in general - I think we might either see her immaturity in some way (perhaps on a date with Eddie) which will prove terminal for her relationship with Eddie. Now we know about this date scene coming up this is possible but it could also end up being about the fact that she is likely going to be an innocent party caught in the crossfire of Eddie unrepressing himself (much in the same way Ana was back in s4/5.

Ashely C's pink dress is a representation of the innocence of trying to find love.

Athena's pink dressing gown is about her innocently and blindly/ naively being excited about Harrys return home to her.

The lady who shot her son is innocent in that her actions were brought about by something out of her control and so she can't truly be held responsible for them.

Then Bucks pink shorts are about his queer innocence and naivety about his feelings the fact that we see them in a scene where Tommy isn’t present, a scene that is meant to inform the audience that his behaviours is all about Eddie and not Tommy - that he’s naively not grasping that part of this internal confusion that he's experiencing.

To add to all of this, we have Marisol carrying a pink bag in the teaser for next week, to me if pink theory is correct then this is playing into the idea that Marisol is naively dating Eddie and that she's going to be an innocent caught up in whatever goes down in that scene (part of this arc) the use of lighter pink here specifically on a handbag is giving me babyish vibes as well (its screaming little girl playing at dress up!). As a quick aside - I am very amused that shes been dressed in a basic black top - she looks like wait staff!

And of course there is Eddies pink ensemble that is connected to either Chims bachelor party or the Madney Wedding. I have no idea what is going to happen in this scene(s) but whatever does go down - place your bets on Eddie being innocent (and or naive!) in whatever goes on - itll be fun to see if I'm right! 🤓

Right 7k later and that is me done for this meta!!! I am handing out the tea, coffee, cake and biscuits (all dietary requirements catered for!)🫖☕️🧁🍩🍪- you've earnt them if you've made it to the end of this monster! Hope you enjoyed reading. i'm off to revel in Bi Buck some more - I can't believe its happened I'm overcome!!! 🩷💜💙

Tagged peeps as always are below!

@theladyyavilee @mistmarauder @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @bewilderedbuckley @spotsandsocks @bewitchedbewilderedbisexual @rogerzsteven @wanderingwomanwondering @oneawkwardcookie @leothill @copyninjabuckley @shammers86 @crazyfangirlallert @missmagooglie @katyobsesses @radiation-run @gayandbifiremenofmine @bi-moonlight @crazyaboutotps @princesschez75 @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @sherlocking-out-loud @tommykinarddd @satashiiwrites @lover-of-mine

(if the tags don't work its because people have changed their url (very valid of you!) and I didn't know, so let me know if you want tagging in future in the comments so I can catch the new urls!

#kym costume meta #911 costume meta #7x04 costume meta #kym colour theory #911 colour theory #911 abc #911 7x04 #eddie diaz #evan buckley #tommy kinard #harry grant #bobby nash #chimney han #maddie buckley #athena grant #costume meta #the monster of all metas #bi evan buckley #bi buck #bisexual buck #911 meta #pink theory

[professionalchaoticdumbass]

in the past week or so ive seen a lot of people posting about how there's this oversexualization of trans girls on the site, and I gotta agree, there are way too many people (including other trans women!) who act like we're all dtf 24/7 or always super kinky and horny. I've been tired of that stereotype for ages and i am saying this as a rather sexual trans girl myself...

...but I think people are overcorrecting a bit now, and are starting to veer into "trans women shouldnt be talked about sexually / need to be shielded from it" territory. and, to me, that's really dangerous, because outside of some queer spaces - and even within them- the sexuality of trans girls is heavily scrutinized, as is attraction to us. as much as I dislike certain aspects of the memes and jokes that kickstarted the stereotypes, I'm kinda grateful for them as well. girldick jokes helped with my bottom dysphoria, voice kink shit helped me like my voice, and the whole "tgirl tummy tuesday" thing gave me a lot of confidence in my body where I hated it before. I think this open appreciation of trans sexiness has done a lot for both me and others on tumblr.

again, obviously its got its problems - people end up assuming every trans girl is horny, or only spread positivity if its related to sex with us, and of course the people who do have dysphoria from the things that are being sexualized are left out (like those the "girls without dicks are like angels without wings" memes, ugh, feels icky every time). and on the note of comparing tgirls to angels, we also started getting treated like we're ethereal fertility goddesses and that t4t sex was some inherently sacred ritual. spoiler alert, trans girls are normal-ass people and t4t sex can be holy for the participants but its generally a pretty normal thing to do as well

coming back to the "don't sexualize trans girls" posts now, I think they were initially going in the right direction, but at this point I'm starting to raise an eyebrow at more than a few of them. I'm not gonna whip out the "youre a sex hating puritan if you post about it" accusation because that is obviously wrong but again, I think people are definitely overcorrecting and starting to turn this into a (false) dichotomy when it's not. its a complex topic and each individual trans woman will feel differently about it.

(I feel like the internet just erases any nuance in favor of a two-sided, highly polarized flamewar with unrealistic views on both sides. actually i wouldn't even say this is a super-nuanced discussion because its really not that hard to say "fetishization is bad, but so is suppression of sexuality". will this post just end up being a void scream and people will continue drawing lines between one side and the other? probably. but I am a stubborn bitch and I have hope that we can be reasonable.)

anyways I'll close this off by saying that I wrote this between around 1:30 and 2 AM on terrible sleep the night before, that I hope what I said is coherent enough, and that I will keep being a trans girl who is openly sexual, gets horny over other trans women, and is proud to be transsexy as fuck. I will keep being critical of jokes and trends and memes that stereotype us, even from our own community. I will keep being angry at how poorly us trans folks are treated with regards to our sex lives, bodies, and relationships between the two. I will keep loving and lusting over trans women without fetishizing them. And I will keep doing all of these til the day I die.

#taking a break from the late night funnies to get serious for a change #this is... sorta a vent post? idk. #please dont tag this with 'transmisogyny' i do not like that term #feel free to reblog though. if enough people are shitheads ill turn reblogs off but again i have hope we can be nice. #transmasculine folks please feel free to add anything else you feel is relevant! im writing from the perspective of a transfemme #who mostly spends time in transfem spaces and i obviously dont have the experiences of a transmasc so. yknow. add on if you have something #alright thats all for now back to your regularly scheduled sleepy/funny posting

[matan4il]

Hi again!

So like you, I've been seeing a steep rise in people being openly antisemitic and just hateful in general to people, both in Israel and anyone who so much as shows compassion for people on that side of the conflict (even to Palestinians and Israelis showing solidarity for each other! Which is maddening to think anyone would condemn such a thing). And I know it must be hard, to be living through such horrible things, and then to be hated as if you're somehow part of the cause of such atrocities.

I know it isn't much, I'm only one voice out here in the void, but I felt like you deserved some positivity today, and to be reminded that what you're doing is good and important. You've always brought a smile to my face, back in the day for silly fandom things (Buddie metas, my beloved), but seeing what you do now... I don't think I have the words to exress how much I admire your bravery and relentlessness in the face of such adversity.

So to you, and to all those trying to survive and stay sane, my thoughts and prayers are with you. There will be a light on the other side of all this. Stay strong, my friend. And remember too that when your strength alone fails, it's okay to lean on someone for support. *hugs* ♡

My darling Jesse! *hugs you so tight*

I'm so sorry it took me a while to reply, but I swear I'm doing my best, and I appreciate you so much. I will never forget that time on that discrod server, I won't go on too much about it, but you were the only one with a humane reaction, and that is invaluable. Please know that I see you for the strong, brave, compassionate human that you are, and I am sending you all the love! <333

even to Palestinians and Israelis showing solidarity for each other

Which says it all, doesn't it? Those people aren't pro-Palestinian, they're not pro-peace, they're just anti-Israel, which is actually anti-Jewish (they're indifferent to the well being of Israeli Arabs, just as they are to that of Palestinians. It's Israel, as a Jewish state and the world's biggest Jewish community, which triggers them).

It is hard to live through these atrocities, and then realize the world will absolutely kick you when you're down for being Jewish, even though it's veiled in (and sold to others through) all sorts of excuses.

In our Holocaust museum, we have a short movie of testimonies from survivors who had lived through Kristallnacht, but managed to make it to Israel after that and before the outbreak of WWII, so they lived. It has an unofficial title, "The blow came from within." For all other European and Middle Eastern Jews who were there, the Holocaust happened due to another nation, the Germans. With help from local collaborators for sure, but the initial blow came from the outside. German Jews experienced this blow as coming from within, from the innermost part of their identity as both Jews and Germans, when they didn't know how to separate these two parts.

Because they so believed in the idea that they're now a part of the German nation, they had lots of German friends. And they were sure that these friends saw them as them, as people, rather than through the lense of antisemitism. When Kristallnacht happened, German Jews experienced a devastating betrayal. We have a much higher number of suicides among German Jews at the start of the Holocaust, than in any other Jewish community, because they really did feel like this blow, of discovering they're not people to their own friends and countrymen, destroyed a part of who they thought they are, and how they're seen and accepted by their society.

This week, when I came across even more people I used to be friends with, who have engaged in de-humanizing me, it dawned on me that this is now my experience, too. This blow comes from within, from people who I thought knew me as a person, knew that I'm kind, knew that I'm humane, knew that through my grandparents' experiences as Holocaust survivors, I care deeply about the issue of genocide, and yet apparently none of that matters, and they went straight ahead with vilifying me personally, in addition to vilifying my people, and engaging actively in spreading the narrative that harms us. It's truly startling to realize that it's been over 85 years, and this is still how we're treated by too many.

But for every mob full of hate and ignorance (and that's what online echo chambers have become), a single voice that does listen and does care means that much more. So please know how much you matter to me, and that you make a difference, too. Thank you SO MUCH for the kind words, you brought tears to my eyes, in a really good way, and I cherish you so very much. It's my honor that we're friends (and I'm extra happy that you enjoyed my fandom stuff).

I hope you're doing well, lovely! Gonna keep sending love your way, always. xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

#israel #antisemitism #israeli #israel news #israel under attack #israel under fire #terrorism #anti terrorism #hamas #antisemitic #antisemites #jews #jew #judaism #jumblr #frumblr #jewish #ask #raiphend #fandom love #kindness #thank you! #<33333 #and i'm sure i'm not the only one appreciating you

[hyobros]

My thoughts on Terry Cheon (major spoilers for Harry's route on planet vanas)

So there's a lot to unpack about her. Strap in guys gals and nonbinary pals, because I have so many Thoughts if you care to read them (pls read them and discuss with me :'3)

Since the announcement of Harry's day 101-200 update, she's been an extremely provocative figure. Harry's mysterious fiancee who we'd never heard about brought about some asinine takes out of this already impossible to tolerate community and now that I've been putting off day 200 for a few weeks I wanna talk about her (especially since I haven't seen anyone else open up a convo)

Here's what we know about Terry so far:

She's Harry's fiancee (or rather, Harry's her fiance)

She's a neurologist at her father's hospital

She has a very precise plan for her life

Harry's involvement is a non-negotiable part of that plan

Honestly, I dislike her about as much as anyone else. She's shown herself to be yet another person who only sees Harry as an object, a piece in the old money family's game of life. When Harry fractured his tailbone and got transferred to her father's hospital for no reason except she works there, it was clear. She couldn't visit him as his fiancee, no, she had to have power over him. She didn't even work in the department he needed treatment from (orthopedics, not neurology) yet she forced him to be given numerous tests for the sake of her own life plan. The genetic disease test, the monologue about how they'll have kids who will be doctors. It got to the point where he denied taking painkillers just so he wouldn't have to spend anymore time with her or let her get any closer.

Through all of this, I started to wonder.

When he's asleep ~day 179, she talks to him about their initial meeting as kids, when the marriage contract was first formed.

"When are you gonna let me start my plan? Huh?" "Remember? The family meeting we had when you were nine? You were no easy opponent. But my plan has already begun. And I'm sticking to it until the end."

She's controlling, and definitely only wants to use Harry as a pawn. But, is this the result of her own struggle with her family and lack of autonomy? Of course, I'm not digging into this to justify her actions in any way. But just like how Harry's coping mechanism was to be an asshole to everyone around him while still being a pushover, she might be trying to cope by taking any and all control over her life that she can. Just like Harry, going to an extreme for it.

There's something to be said about how her father runs the hospital (and clearly has lots of power even outside of it) and she became a specialist within it, and how part of her plan is to have her two children become doctors as well. There's something to be said about the fact that she as a child was contracted to be married off to some guy just because of their families' statuses.

She's a selfish and controlling person, most likely bearing this attitude because of her family. And as much as I hate how she's treating us and Harry, I hope we get to learn more about her, I even want a route from her (she's the only side character with a face reveal like cmaaaan make it happen let's go lesbians). There's more going on here than her just being a cartoonishly evil villain, and it would be doing her (and fem characters in general) a diservice to write her off as a crazy bitch who wants our man. I really hope she doesn't get the treatment that the side character girlies in mysmes got.

#the ssum #harry choi #Terry Cheon

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I’ve been wondering this for a while, but I wasn’t quite sure how to phrase it kindly, because I do mean it kindly. I’ve followed you for a while and I feel like I’ve seen a lot of defending Mish, which is definitely sometimes warranted, but also sometimes feels like it comes at the expense of other fans. I guess what I am asking is: Do you think any criticism of Jensen or Misha is fair? When do you think fandom becomes toxic positivity? Even if Misha was/is queer, are we comfortable with him using bisexuality, topping, and queerness writ large as a punchline? Why is it okay for him but not Jared? Sorry this is getting long 🤪 but I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I'm going to try and respond to this with as much kindness as I can because I believe you put the effort into your phrasing but please understand this has been an invalidating and exhausting week for me personally for various reasons, and my kindness capacity and spoons are at negative five point two. (got long so here's the cut)

That being said, I've been fairly quiet on here in respect to the current situation, because I received actual death threats from people when I said something positive about Jensen after Denver and honestly since then expressing my opinion on this type of thing hasn't felt as safe or comfortable.

My view of the situation is that everyone is to blame including the fandom. I think the sooner we stop pointing fingers and trying to pin our COLLECTIVE BLAME (Misha, fans, tabloids, antis, assholes) on someone else and take accountability for our role in the situation, the better things will be. Yes, there was valid hurt on parts of fans who wanted to see a part of themselves in someone they admire and its absolutely justifiable to express that hurt. There's nothing reprehensible in saying "I thought he really meant what he said and now I am disappointed."

But hurt feelings and pain do not give anyone a blanket card to be completely and utterly horrible to strangers on the internet (which includes both fellow fans and Misha himself, because despite his openness with the fans - he remains a stranger to us. we do not know anything about his private life or identity. we are familiar with his public image).

I hate the word toxic positivity and honestly calling out others' behavior when it's inappropriate - in APPROPRIATE WAYS, is anything but this. But the vitriol and lashing out I see all around me is not coming from Misha. It is coming from the fans.

In respect to the joke commentary, I do not think Misha has ever treated actual queerness as a punchline. yes, he has made jokes (of a lesser extent than other jokes I see here daily and frankly find over the top myself at times, regardless of the way a person making that joke identifies), but in my personal opinion the community is not nor has ever been treated as the butt of those jokes. If anything everyone laughed along with him, and encouraged him to make more. There's also an entire essay I'd like to write separately that delves into heteronormative standards that are engrained within each of us whether we like it or not but its too much and probably too soon for me to open that dialogue. It suffices for now to say, that in my personal opinion - if we're going to delve into the appropriateness of a joke, I think that appropriateness stems from the joke itself and not the identity of the person making it. You don't get to flash a queer card to excuse the perpetuation of homophobia, even in a humorous way (if Misha has made jokes to this level I agree he should apologize, but that should have also been called out in the moment instead of 'permitted because he may have been considered a person in the community due to his identity and therefore excused to make any joke of any caliber').

This leads me to the fact that all of this begs the question of why anyone currently thinks it's okay to demand private information about someone's sexuality - even if that person is a celebrity. Requiring proof of queerness for acceptance in the community is equivalent to a forced outing of someone who may not be ready to be out. It's also denying entry to those here who may not identify with a certain label, or those who may have identified as straight and are currently questioning that label on whatever basis. This space is about inclusion, not exclusion. A person cannot understand someone else's journey while viewing it solely through the lens of their own, and that's why I firmly believe that there should be a place at the table for anyone seeking it. In more specific comment, treating 'straightness' as something other than a place on what is a very fluid spectrum of sexuality and personal identity, is once again aligning with the structural rigidity of heteronormativity and the patriarchal desire to put people in categories so they can then simply be brushed aside for the advancement of a small elite group. These norms and standards are DESIGNED to produce this exact kind of infighting. Accepting all under the umbrella of community, banding together as a collective to fight the actual evil instead of fighting each other? This is how we resist.

Please note you haven't asked me my own identification or label, and I haven't provided one. Does this make my words less valid? Should I have to preliminarily justify my own reasons for being able to share this opinion with you? Do I belong here? See how muddy the waters get?

I do believe valid criticism of a celebrity's comments and actions is appropriate; and Misha has invited this over and over - he is a person who wants to learn and be educated, and this is part of the reason the apology was made in the first place. But dragging someone through the mud and making memes about what was a sincere and earnest statement is not education.

I won't speak about Jensen because he is not at the center of the current topic of discourse, but my thoughts about him are similar in that he has shown himself to be an advocate and supporter, and has learned and grown from prior statements he has made because he has listened and educated himself.

In respect to Jared, I've thought a lot about the things I myself have said about him in the past on this site, and I regret them. They were mean-spirited, and despite my feelings at the time - that is still not okay. He's also a person. He's learning. We should show all humans a modicum of grace (again - by vocally speaking out if words are harmful, but also by educating and recognizing if change has been made - which, I believe, it has.). For example - I have seen people on here excuse others' hurtful words and conduct because they are in pain and struggling. Should that not apply to all people?

Of course, while I think that feeling hurt and pain as a reaction to someone's words is absolutely valid and necessary - holding ON to that pain, carrying it with you for a long period of time, turns it into something separate and apart from the person and the words that creates more lasting harm. I am sorry for those who are still hurting. I am hurting too, but it's honestly more over the statements that were made by fandom itself and not what Misha said - which may be why my words come across as 'defending Misha at the expense of fandom' - because what I saw that touched my hurting spaces came from FANS, and not from him. I am doing my best to give those people grace as well, to understand that this is coming from personal places of trauma. And that's exactly why finger pointing and blaming each other won't get any of us through this quickly or easily.

Either way, I'm working towards processing it all and moving forwards, and I truly hope everyone else is doing the same. We are here to find joy and escape. I don't want that part of fandom to go away.

Sorry this is so clumsily put. I'm very tired.

#you-cant-spell-subtext-without-asks #nonnie #fandom wank for ts

[asherlockstudy]

another lurker here: been lurking since beginning of this year, i watch every day still, and imo it's a lot of small things that have people trickling out. mythicon, rhett's comments, the hot-and-cold with dedicated fans etc etc. but there's also the general internet attitude towards rpf shipping. i've not made a rhink blog or interacted much with the tumblr fandom (aside from some nice/curious anons) because i just don't feel comfortable in this current climate where antis scream at you for basically no reason. rather stick to a closed forum (i.e. Discord) where neither antis nor the people the fic and thirsting is about can see.

Yep, you're kinda closer to my territory, Anon. I understand the antis’ “thoughtfulness” (if that’s what it is) but it's tiresome to see some mild shipping post with like 100 disclaimers that "of course op doesn't think their theory is real". Why even write it then? I mean, sometimes it's like you even fool yourself and everyone around you because there are posts that are clearly based on observation and yet then op says "oh but of course none of this is true". It's this fear that has spread... and has made older shippers leave. Obviously a large part of the fandom are indeed people who ship them as a fan headcanon and that's awesome but I don't believe 100% of the fandom operates in this way. Simply put.

Shipping real people is very tricky and you must be considerate but the problem is when shippers give the real people a hard time about it. There are toxic fans who address people directly or, even worse, their families. That's gross and scary. But if, for example, I make a post here in my corner which averages 15 notes and then somehow Rhett sees it and is mad about it, then before crucifying me, it would be a good idea to at least ask first what Rhett was doing so abysmally deep down the rabbit hole, you know?

This was just an example. I haven't personally received hate so far (although I'm pushing it apparently lol) neither do I have any indication Rhett has seen any of my posts (thank goodness). I am just saying. Many of us are just normal people who try to build tiny communities within our blogs, where we can speak freely - almost like small talk - without intending to address or confront anybody or cause problems to them or pick up a fight.

It's just SO maddening that this can get criticised by R&L and other fans alike, and then one week later R&L are pretending to fuck for 20 dollars. People need to sort out their minds - maybe me too, but not me first. I, for one, never demanded that Rhett and Link should act or be a certain way. I just comment on what I see.

#anon #mail #rant #rhink #sorry I kind of went off on that

[the-greenery420]

1 Week of THCA with Huntington's Disease

So I've been a stoner for a long time, but primarily was smoking marijuana which is illegal here, luckily with more recent advancements with cannabis and legislature we have options here that are now just as effective. I was curious what would happen if I switched to pure THCA bud because the reason I smoke and have been smoking marijuana on and off since I was 8 was because at the time my dad said it would help with my ADHD (it did as well as my depression although I REALLY don't recommend giving it to an 8 year old lol, my dad was not exactly a "think things through" type of person though).

Over the years the constant fear that I'd get busted and sent to the pen for a completely non-violent "crime" really was hard on my mental health, and even though cannabis provided me with tremendous benefits, it was hard for me to enjoy the benefits with all the fear and anxiety from the possibility of getting locked up like a lot of my friends.

When CBD and Delta 8 got so big, I did experiment with Delta 8 but I felt like even though there was a benefit it wasn't quite "hitting the spot" where I needed to be to stop my tremors which have been getting worse from my neurodegenerative disease, I used it quite a bit at night to put me to sleep (especially edibles), and it did help more than not taking any form of THC but, I definitely needed something else.

I didn't want to take the reeeeeally synthetic forms of THC that they came out with just because I had experiences with K2 with my dad and was weary about anything blatantly synthetic (mainly because I can't know if there's going to be side-effects eventually), so I just stuck with Delta 8 even though it's a concentrate / isolate and you really have to check that the companies test them to make sure the solvents are gone.

I stumbled across THCA bud in the local headshop before it closed down recently, but it was 35$ for 7 grams so I figured I could find a better selection for cheaper online like I do with my kratom. I came across a distributor called JKDistro, and they have 1oz smalls for 50$ sometimes, best investment I ever made. Now I'm smoking in the morning and then some at night to wind down and within 1 week I've seen drastic improvements in basically every aspect of my life.

I'm not joking, it's as good as OG cannabis but now the fact I'm not always fearing the cops makes it so much easier to enjoy it. I like that I can go out on my porch and spark up a joint too since JK sends me a card to carry each time I get some bud from them so if I got stopped cops would know it's legal. Cops don't really care here anymore so much because of progress in legislation but it really helps me feel better.

Some of the biggest benefits I noticed from dosing in the morning and at night:

Sleep Quality

For people with Early Onset Dementia from diseases like mine, our brains can't shut down and typically we have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep. I got to where I was only getting about 1-3 hours of sleep a night if at all before I started dosing like I am now. The first few days I literally slept (3 days nearly straight) and it was really nice because I know my body desperately needed the rest to heal. Now I'm sleeping 6-8 hours a night and that's literally amazing because I'm waking up feeling way better. A bit groggy sometimes if I smoke a bit too much or take too much cannabutter but, overall much better than I was feeling before.

Anxiety

Crazy enough I have an interview on Wednesday for a job in sales, funny thing is I HATE talking to people, especially on the phone. Once I started the THCA regimen I've gotten so much more talkative, relaxed, and social than I was. I am diagnosed with ASD, and the main way mine significantly limits me is communication and being anxious around strangers. It's amazing that I was able to get an interview and now I'm about to go back into the workforce for the first time in 12 years.

Depression

I have a big issue with getting really depressed (which apparently is very common among Alzheimer's and HD patients). Since I've been on the regimen, I've been a lot happier, more relaxed, less irritable. It's been really nice and I've felt myself smile a lot more. I know I'm a lot more pleasant to be around and I've not been near as emotional as usual.

Anger / Emotional Regulation

Once again, I have a real issue with emotional regulation. I think a lot of that goes back to ASD but then the HD doesn't help at all. I've been a lot more chill and more pleasant to be around. Not as irritable / fussy, and able to interact with people more patiently. I get frustrated usually pretty easily but I've been able to be more chill than usual which is nice. I'm also not "all over the place" as much, my mood swings are a lot better.

Pain / Inflammation / Soreness

I have a lot of issues with inflammation. On every test I get (blood test) it always shows my inflammation levels to be very high due to my body being full of a toxic protein called Huntingtin. This also causes pain in my joints sometimes and because my muscles are slowly deteriorating some they are sore a lot and I have to constantly work them out a lot to not lose muscle. I'm not in near as much pain as I was before I started up the THCA, which is huge because it's been freezing here and usually I can't get out of bed when it's this cold. My muscles aren't near as sore and I'm not near as stiff either.

Overall I feel like the THCA is doing me a lot of good, I'm excited to see where I am in a month or even a year. I have found it very useful for me. If y'all want to check out JKDistro and see if you can find something you like that would help you, you can use my link and get 20% off your purchase. They have great deals, and VERY good quality stuff. I literally swear by them, and I've been smoking for a VERY long time. You can click here and it'll take you with the link for a discount! I hope it helps you like it helped me!

#cannabis #cannacommunity #weed community #weedlife #weed culture #medical cannabis #cannalife #cannablr #cannabis community #ganja #thca #thca flower #medical conditions #huntingtonsdisease

[menta11yi11]

The found family in CO State government wound up supporting the genocide of the Palestinian people. She's a Jewish senator that prides herself in inclusiveness and mental health support yet the hate mongering spread on socials and in meetings, pro-Zionist movement has me incredibly disappointed. This is someone I trusted deeply, and she trusts me. I feel crushed. Why do I keep trusting people who end up disappointing me in very serious ways (like my foster Mormon parents) it's devastated me recently to the point of rapid splitting into new alters. Also hi to any followers that see this. I mostly post on the-swing-system tumblr and ramiel-novak but I didn't want to have this on my main due to the sensitive nature. I spent around a week's time at her home getting close with her before I learned about the real news of the attacks on the Gaza strip. How can people be so fucking inhumane? I know there's things I've done I'm not proud of but actively using a seat of government and vocally supporting a genocide is disproportionately worse than whatever smaller level bpd shit I had going on. (This is not a hate on her mental health status, but her continued ignorance to see the truth in the matter. Free Palestine 🇵🇸 )

We all have a right to clean water and safety, food, medicine, power (electricity/fuel)... Why are some people's lives lesser? Because you need a reason to justify stripping and destroying a whole culture and people living there because you feel entitled to it. I'm Pro-Jewish. I'm Pro-Muslim. I'm Pro-Native (I'm Native American myself) I actively try to seek out community members who often get left out within society. I understand what it's like to be a ethnic minority whose family was ethnically cleansed. I go to sleep and feel my ancestors stirring inside me wanting me to sink into the core of the Earth and send a message to them that Gaia will not stand for these attacks and violations of nature and humanity. How can you hide behind your religion to claim you're actually the one being oppressed when you've had control over them for many decades now. 🤔 like we can go back in History all we want to figure out which groups were where first but it's never going to justify the sheer horrors that have been ramping since Netanyahu declared war on Hamas (which is a whole other can of worms) Like I keep having derealization because this sounds so fictionally evil and cruel? Like accepting that this reality is indeed going on and has been going on for a long time. The "woke" agenda of being aware of how much the propaganda machines pump out messages inciting violence on others for our differences of being that are more often than not harmless traits of culture and personhood. I'm so emotionally drained. I don't see how people are genuinely laughing at the idea of calling others subhuman. What's the fucking joke? What if the tides shift and you're now seen as subhuman? How do you live with yourself, knowing that you're part of a marginalized community you've spewed bigotry against for a long time? Fucking. What the fuck. (No tags or reblogs. I'm sorry I do not have the capacity to have this spread and the lashback I may receive from this is just. Not something I can handle. I'm at my limit y'all.)

#im so angry #why has humanity been so inhumane #when did we lose the soul of love for each other and community #i know darkness must exist but there are things that we can simply avoid by just #not committing mass murder on civilians and stealing their land over their graves and decimated structures

[cinematricksbooksins]

Toxic Mean Girl Gatekeepers

I like TikTok as much as the next person. I won't lie when I say I also enjoy Booktok from time to time. While I haven't found the greatest of recommendations on there, I have found some fun mindless reads off an on. When I first started watching Booktok videos and lives, I thought it was a nice community. Don't get me wrong, there are some genuine and nice people on there. However, in more recent weeks I have seen nothing but toxic, hateful, mean girls attitude, and gatekeeping mindset within all of the drama. It almost feels unwelcoming in certain aspects.

I've seen booktokers belittle and make mocking videos over people of certain genders just getting into reading and wanting to share their journey. Mostly it's because these individuals get more views and followers in two videos than these seasoned booktokers have. It's not the posters fault, so why bully and gatekeep reading or even making book related content? At least they're reading! Books and reading should never be gatekept.

Another thing I've seen is readers and authors going after each other. Leave each other alone. If a reader didn't like your story or doesn't want to read your work it's not personal. They have their own tastes. For readers, authors can't win with them when it comes to certain topics or they've been belittled and bullied for asking people to leave any critiques and reviews of their books.

Don't even get me started on the lives. Like I said, there are plenty of nice and welcoming booktok lives. However, one I've seen for almost a year now has moved from being welcoming to having horrible toxic mean girl energy. They don't get many views. Normally their audience is 3-12 people. They used to engage with people like crazy in the comments. However, in more recent months, unless you have the followers to go live with them...they won't engage with you. It doesn't matter if you are a reader, author, or writer. No huge following...no engagement. This was sad for me. I used to engage with them, but now they won't even talk to me because I don't have the viewers. I'm not the only they've done this too either. People who have been here for over a year, supported them, engaged with them, are just cut off and ignored simply because of a follower count and lack of videos. Another issue is they claim to not want drama and to stand up for their indie authors and friends, but i have seen the cattiness between them or others that come on. I've seen the backhanded comments about authors they "refuse" to name and how they persuade each other to remove books and not buy books from people they deem "horrible". Yet, they refuse to say what the author did or who the author is. They've even texted about people in the live chat while on the live and laughed about it. I don't know, it comes across as very mean girl energy.

I don't know. Just a few things have been bothering me recently with seeing the toxic side of booktok for once. I'm not one to post. I barely have any videos up on my page as is because I'm just not one for content creating. Regardless, I thought about posting books I've been enjoying or books I bought that I can't wait to get to, but now...I just don't think I want to. I'd rather keep it to myself and not share than have a bombardment of bullies, mean girls, and gatekeepers. I get every clique on the app has these mentalities, but I've just been flooded with Booktok specifically recently and it makes me sad. Just when books were becoming popular again, it seems like its starting to die off because of all the drama. What are your thoughts on booktok? Has it become more toxic over the years?

#booktok #gatekeep #meangirls #authors #readers #bullies #drama #booktok drama #tiktok

[cherryonigiri]

nanami kento [evenings with you]

nanami kento x reader || cw: descriptions of blood/injuries, light angst

a/n: this is just self-indulgent writing for me but i'm v stressed about school rn and this is the result. just imagine that y/n is a bio/medical phd candidate lol.

Nanami can tell that you're stressed. Usually you savor the nights he's not on overtime, asking him about work and refusing to leave his side for most of the evening. He's used to you being attentive, so the fact that you've asked him the same question twice within the last ten minutes is already setting alarm bells ringing in his head. You're constantly fiddling with something, or flashing furtive glances towards the bedroom when you think he's not paying attention.

It only gets worse after dinner. You insist on washing up, something about how you want him to 'enjoy his night off.' Nanami compromises, silently grabbing a towel and drying the dishes. It's clear that your mind is elsewhere. Your hands scrub the porcelain on autopilot, and he can hear you muttering under your breath.

Every now and then you'll mutter a list of tasks under your breath. Nanami remembers you mentioning that things were hectic in lab. You're almost always still working when gets home from work, even when it's well past when you eat your dinner. It's clear that you've had a busy day-- the apartment is far more cluttered than it usually is. There are post-it and pieces of scrap paper stuck to every single surface, and a forgotten pile of folded laundry rests on the couch.

An intense burning sensation across your palm causes you cry out. "Shit!" You drop the knife you were washing in favor of cradling your already bleeding hand. Nanami is instantly by your side, firmly pressing the dishcloth against your cut. There is a worrying amount of red seeping into the fabric, so he silently ushers you to the bathroom.

It's a strange reversal of roles. He's used to being the one leaning leaning against the counter while you bandage his wounds. Instead, it's you who is perched on the marble surface, wincing as he dabs an antiseptic soaked cotton ball against your injury. "Sorry, I'm almost done," he says when you let out a loud hiss.

"It's fine," you reply, sheepishly looking away. "I should have been paying more attention."

Nanami chooses to only respond with a nonchalant hum, focusing on cleaning your palm. The two of you sit there in comfortable silence while he applies ointment to the cut, adding gauze once he's finished. It's only when he reaches for the bandages that he decides to ask. "What's stressing you out?"

Your eyes widen as you realize you've been caught. Nanami is rarely home early these days, especially since he's been mentoring Itadori on behalf of Gojo. (Not that you mind - in the few times you've met Itadori through video call with Nanami, the pink-haired student's sunny disposition has never failed to cheer you up.) When he'd texted you saying he'd be home by dinner, you'd jumped at the opportunity to spend some much needed time with him. You'd pulled out the stops, cooking something a little fancier, and intent on spending the earlier part of the evening cuddling with him. Secretly, you had planned to sneak out of bed after he'd fallen asleep (he always goes to bed early on days like these) and finish preparing for the gauntlet of meetings and presentations you had tomorrow. It was your fault for putting off the tasks, and you didn't want to let your own bad habits get in the way of some quality time with your boyfriend.

"It's nothing, I just have a lot on my plate tomorrow." You do your best to laugh it off, but quickly trail off once when you catch Nanami's deadpan expression. He's always been too good at seeing through your white lies. "I put off some work..." A raised eyebrow from him prompts you to continue, "And I was planning on doing it after you went to bed..." You can't help it when your face scrunches into a pout. After all, now your carefully-laid deception has been revealed.

When Nanami bursts into amused chuckles, you're momentarily surprised, but quickly go back to sulking. "Stop laughing at me Ken!" you whine, "I'm a--"

"Self-aware procrastinator," he finishes your sentence with an amused grin. "I know love, I know. I've seen you write far too many papers within 24-hours of a deadline to be surprised." He presses an affectionate kiss against your wrist.

You scowl at your boyfriend, snatching your bandaged hand away from his grasp. "I'm glad that my suffering is entertaining for at least one person." You stomp back to the bedroom in faux-anger, smiling when you hear Nanami's footsteps not far behind you.

When he steps into the bedroom Nanami drapes his frame over your shoulders, his warm torso nestled against your back. "It is one of your more...endearing traits," he murmurs into your ear before pressing a kiss into the crook of your neck. You can feel your cheeks and ears tingle at his words of affection.

"Sometimes you can be such a sweet talker," you mumble to yourself while you change into your pajamas. This week it's been an old Jujutsu tech hoodie and a pair of well-worn athletic shorts.

"Only for you," Nanami replies while he undoes the buttons of his outfit, chucking his tan pants and blue button up into the laundry basket in the corner. He dons a pair of sweatpants before returning your side to recapture you in another affectionate hug. It's a well kept secret of the Kento-Y/N household that Nanami Kento likes to lounge around shirtless in the privacy of his apartment. (You've been sworn to secrecy, but only because your boyfriend claims that Gojo and the students would have a field day teasing him if this information were to be made public amongst the jujutsu sorcerer community.)

Turning around, you wrap your arms around his waist, burying your nose against his torso and taking in his comforting scent. It's been so long since the two of you have had a moment to yourselves, and for once your hectic thoughts are silenced in favor of sharing a moment of calm bliss with Nanami. He hums in appreciation, thumbs rubbing soothing circles against your hips.

"Do you want to watch anything tonight?" you ask after a few seconds of silence.

"No," he replies. "I was actually planning on reading the briefing Ichiji just sent me. Gojo apparently has another scheme up his sleeve." You giggle when your boyfriend lets out a pained sigh. On more than one occasion, your boyfriend has ranted to you about Gojo's unorthodox approach to exorcism. "I swear that idiot shaves a year off my lifespan every time I go on a mission with him," Nanami complains. "He's taking away the years I could spend in Malaysia."

You hum thoughtfully before responding, "Then do you mind--"

Once again, Nanami already knows what you're going to say. "Just remember to bring your laptop charger, I know you have a thousand tabs open on your computer right now," he says while exiting to the living room. After a few moments you join him, overburdened laptop and charger in hand. You both take your usual spots in the living room, him resting comfortably in the center of the loveseat and you sitting on a floor cushion, nestled between his legs. Soon you've fallen into a groove, fingers steadily typing on the keyboard. The warmth of Nanami's presence next to you brings a sense of calm, giving you the grounding focus you need to finish off the last of your tasks.

As he thumbs through the printouts Ichiji gave him, Nanami can't help but let his eyes drift towards you every now and then. You look so adorable when you work. From the way your brow furrows whenever you reread a line, to the way you unconsciously chew on your lip when you scrutinize your draft for any errors. Every now and then he'll gently run his fingers through your hair, relishing the content sighs you let out in response.

It only takes about another hour before you're (finally) closing all your tabs (he still doesn't know why your laptop hasn't crashed yet). As you scroll through social media, your head begins to droop. Soon enough you've fallen asleep, breaths coming in soft and even puffs as you rest against his thigh. Smiling to himself, he puts down his papers and gently lifts your body from the floor. He's careful not to wake you as he slowly makes his way back to the bedroom.

Setting you on the bed, he tucks you under the blankets before lying beside you. The moonlight coming through your window softly illuminates your relaxed features, and he softly traces the outline of your face with his thumb. As he continues to caress your cheek, his eyes are drawn to the dark circles under your eyes. He rarely falls asleep after you these days - between his physically demanding occupation and the ever growing number of things you are responsible for at work- he's often the first to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion while you work well into the night. Not to mention that he's had to spend an increasing number of nights away from you, either on challenging missions or accompanying Gojo's students. And while he knows most of your stress comes from being a student, he can't help but feel guilty about all the additional distress his status as a jujutsu sorcerer has caused you.

When you started dating him, you insisted that Shoko teach you how to suture. He hates how much your stitches have improved since then. The neatness of your stitches is a constant reminder of how much you've endured because of him. When he hears you trying to muffle your sobs into a pillow, he swears he can feel his heart crack in his chest, hurting more than any kind of physical wound from battle. Those nights end with him holding you tightly to his bandaged chest, murmuring reassurances and affection into the crown of your head until you've calmed down enough to fall into a fitful sleep. Even when you're unconscious he'll still continue, words morphing into apologies for the sadness he's inflicted upon your shoulders.

Feeling his eyelids being to droop, Nanami presses one last kiss against your forehead before laying down. He wraps his arms around your waist, surrounding you with warmth, hoping that his presence will be enough to keep your nightmares away, at least for tonight. I love you, y/n is the last thought he has before he drifts away, ready to dream of a tropical sunset and a peaceful future with you by his side.

#nanami x reader #nanami kento #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen imagines

[parvuls]

so many thoughts about the ted lasso finale but they're all a mess

SPOILERS BITCHES

many people said they found the finale anticlimactic and while i don't necessarily agree, i do see their point. i think the reason is that the s1 finale truly felt like a wrap up episode where all the arcs got an ending (even if the ending had an obvious afterthought that would come in s2, like jamie, like getting relegated, etc.), while the s2 finale was just one huge semicolon where all the arcs got to their peak and we'll only get to see their fallout in the concluding s3.

it's a logical way to format a three seasoned show - s1 serving as an exposition, s2 building up tensions, s3 tying everything with a nice bow - but i guess it is a bit of a frustrating watching experience. literally the only two arcs having a clear ending is the soccer (in the first they get relegated, in the second they get promoted, in the third they win the whole fucking thing - ted promised us that), and nate's arc.

ted spent the whole season struggling to face his mental health issues - which came to a head when he finally confronted his dad's suicide, but then the arc peaked when he decided to turn his circumstances for the better and talk about mental health in sports. the conclusion to ted's personal journey will only come next season, so in fact, after admitting to his problems we haven't seen much progress.

keeley spent the whole season working on her career and slowly allowing herself to express her goal of being the one in charge in the business sense. it came to a head when she got a dream offer, but it all happened in the last possible second so we don't know anything about how she feels, what it's gonna be like, how it's going to affect her life. that would comd in the next season.

roy and keeley spent the first half of the season establishing a serious adult relationship and then the second half tugging on several plot threads of Relationship Issues. this is perhaps the arc I'm least happy with - unlike the others, it didn't even peak. i assumed they'll have a big fight this finale, but instead we got a six week separation keeley claimed is good, while metaphorical ominous music sounded in the air thanks to roy's diamond dogs moment. obviously there's some commitment issues and lack of communication lingering there, but it's just a weird place to leave them off. s3 will simultaneously deal with having that fallout, fixing them and with getting their happy ever after? can't imagine the flow, tbh. sounds too heavy for a season that has so much to accomplish already.

nate's arc, while unbelievably complicated, is the only thing other than soccer that's very very clearly divided into three neat sections. season 1 dealt with him cementing a place within the team, season 2 dealt with his gradual downfall and had an obvious ending when he betrayed them and went to work for rupert (as we predicted), and season 3 will deal with his redemption. i hated nate for a lot of the season, but you have to admire how round his character is, how well he's written and acted. we'll see how they sell him back into our graces, but i've got hopes.

then there are all the things that are kinda floating around and i'm ??? about them, because when your main arcs get left off at their peak on purpose, it's hard to know what else is unresolved on purpose and what's just been neglected. what was the point of sambecca? unless s3 features endgame tedbecca and sam will somehow serve as a plot device for that, i don't understand why it happened, why it was left off like it was, and why no one has voiced concerns yet. what even was jamie's arc in the second half of s2? becoming a team player already started last season and his dad didn't get a resolution. when is the fallout from beard and jane supposed to happen? what was the point of the ted/flo build-up? were they going somewhere with pheobe's school struggles (and the breast drawings)?

i enjoyed this episode more than i expected but i still have more questions than answers for s3, and i'm not sure how i feel. mostly i'm confused and concerned, even though my babies got promoted, which really says a lot.

#ted lasso spoilers #ted lasso #text #the last 5 episodes of this season have been... an experience #not as bad an experience as i feared #but still very confusing

[sor-vette]

four, circus!! (index/description)

☜ three, an all-out fight club!!

☞ five, dots!!

t/w: dead bodies, mention of overdose

"This has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen," Yoongi thinks to himself as he blankly stares at Jimin, transferring the PPT file to the projector.

123 slides in "Reasonable arguments as to why we should date, _̵͚̾͌_̶̢̛̘̅͛̕_̶̡̧̝͗̒̋̌̚_̴̮̒̍̿̃͠ .

"Wrong PowerPoint bro," Jungkook grunts with closed eyes. No doubt the idiot had tried to stalk you throughout the night. It's been three days since Erik had officially enrolled.

Namjoon also has his eyes fixed on the projector, his expression giving nothing away.

"Resigned to death, poor bastard, as you should."

Jimin momentarily looks behind him to see why Jin had started to snort in laughter before scrambling to choose another file.

56 slides in "What do we know about Erik and what to do about it?"

"The title could be less verbose," Jin remarks, spinning his chair around the room.

"You're one to talk, literally," Jimin sneers but, there is very little malice in his voice if any. Besides Namjoon, V and Hope, who actually stuck to his word of minding his business, Yoongi didn't know anyone personally in the room. Though he sure has heard of the connections they had with you. Each weirder than the other.

Namjoon, the CEO, the one who went overboard in commitment and scared you off. Rumour was he offered marriage before the first "I like you." But that as well could be bullshit.

Hope, with the most cordial contact out of all. And also the most distant. You two had fundamentally different perceptions of how the world worked. Incompatible match, as the saying goes.

Jin. Despite the grandeur of his character, Yoongi knew very little of him. Even less as to why you left. He presumed the lack of commitment on both sides.

Jimin, the almost. For five months Yoongi had to hear nothing but coy whispers of just what good friends you two were. What good time you both had jumping back and forth from Paris and home. And then with zero explanation, you weren't. Every once in a while, he'd see the two of you in the hallway. Working hard to suffer through an exchange of pleasantries between long awkward pauses. The whispers had been effectively stomped to death, with no one the wiser as to what the hell had happened.

V, the one you hated and the one who hated you. How the two of you even met was beyond anyone's understanding. How you didn't rip each other's throat out even more so. Why he was here? God only knew.

And the last one, JK. Your trainee before Erik. The one who'd shamelessly bounced, leaving you in the dust when the enrollment came with a nary of thank you. After that, you officially joined the cleaner department and largely went missing from the public eye.

And, of course, Yoongi himself. The only official boyfriend. The one who officially broke both of your hearts.

"If all of you could please focus!" Jimin snapped, standing with a wad of paper in hand, waving it like a teacher in front of particularly annoying group of students.

"He even made notes," Namjoon whispered faintly.

"More like a manifesto," Yoongi snickered, letting his eyes wander over the sheer thickness of the file.

"Silence!" For a split second, Yoongi wanted to make a jab about a chihuahua being able to bark, but having considered his own height, he chose to be silent.

"So, let's start with basics. Erik Genyer. Joined two and a half years ago through a recruitment agent. He's 24, lived in Seattle before moving here. No known parents or siblings." Jimin recounted with ease.

"I hope you didn't look through his records," Namjoon frowned at the screen. "Because I did not authorize that."

"Does it count as looking if it's a brief glance?"

"Yes."

"And yet here you are benefitting from it." Namjoon could only breathe through his nose a tad harder.

"Why are you telling us this?" Jin interjected. "Mr CEO here could just give us his file - we'd read for ourselves."

"I will not. That's against company policy."

"And what you're doing here is completely legal and non - invasive." Jin raised his eyebrows, not phased even in the slightest that he was much below Namjoon's position.

"Silence!" Jimin yelped again at the front. "Has anyone here worked with Erik?"

"Hope definitely has," V piped up from his seat, looking as uninterested as one could. Yoongi narrowed his eyes at him. V took the piercing glare in stride, haughtily turning away.

"Well, yes but..." Jimin shuffled on the stage almost awkwardly. "He has strictly declined the invitation to our little... boy band."

"Wait does that mean he could tell _̸̢͉̦͔̣͈̱̅́́̓͊̇̂̓́̕͝ͅ_̸̨̙͚̻̬͖͉̻͔̑̓͐͜ - I mean R.D.?" Jungkook suddenly asks, eyes wide. Even Yoongi blanched at the thought. Everyone straightened in their seats. This was all fun and games until the moment you knew. Oh, you'd rip each and every one of them a new asshole. All of them could kiss goodbye to any attempt of trying to mend bridges. By that point, there wouldn't even be a river stretching underneath.

"I sincerely hope not." Jimin whispers and they sit in a moment of silence, weighing the risks.

"Heh, hope not." Jin suddenly gives a breathy laugh solely to be met by a general aura of disapproval.

"It's not funny." Namjoon scolds slightly but, Jin being Jin, openly looks him into eyes and goes -

"I know."

Amidst the banter, JK raises his hand shyly.

"I trained with him for a short while."

"And what is he like?" Jimin's eyes almost sparkled at anyone giving an actual insight.

"He must be wearing contacts or something," Yoongi mused, pushing the cap of his water bottle around the table. He knew Jimin to be attractive. No one in the entire company would shut up about it, nevertheless, something about him seemed almost supernatural.

JK shrugged in response.

"A bit rude and careless but talented. He finished training early."

"Did it seem like he was particularly going after her?" Namjoon interrogated further. There was a deep scowl of resentment on his face.

"Uhh, no. I think he was interested in the cleaner department in general. Apparently, he spent most of his orientation there."

"He also spent a month in surveillance. Did you speak with him...V?" If V was surprised by Jimin addressing him personally, he didn't show it as he continued to inspect his nails.

"Didn't even know he was there."

"Why did he stay so long in the cleaner department?" Yoongi asked as he ran over the information on the screen. Besides the already mentioned month in surveillance and a week in networking and relations, this Erik hadn't even tried to apply anywhere else.

"Poor communication skills. I had to throw him out. That's why he was only there a week." Jin explained.

"So you spoke to him?"

"Well, no, Irina," he was interrupted by a hollow thud. Without prompt V had dropped his steel thermos onto the desk, tea splattering everywhere and staining JK's jacket in the process. Both of them fumbled to clean it up with anything they could. V dabbed the desk harshly, the wood creeking at every aggressive wipe. Yoongi saw Jin looking sideways, the same confused expression echoed on his face.

"Well, as I was saying, Irina, R.D.'s friend, I'm sure you're familiar, came to me, said he was causing trouble and asked to refer him."

"And you sent him to R.D.?"

Jin gave a deeply suffering sigh.

"No, I did not send him. I referred him to general management and they gave him to the cleaners ."

"Ok, I get all of this. But what are we supposed to do about him?" Namjoon interrupted, jaw set in a tight grip.

Jimin fell silent at the front of the room.

"Yeah, this was the main question." Yoongi thought bitterly.

It was all a question of ethics, wasn't it? JK could pretend all he wanted to be above it all, to be respectful but then he trailed secret circles around you. Whether from guilt or perhaps a sense of entitlement. Yoongi didn't know or really care. Nevertheless the kid clearly had a hard time differentiating between what he said and what he did. Yoongi was however surprised to see Namjoon be so eager. He quite fancied making himself bald from worrying about the nature of evil. Just how easy it was to hide it behind big aspirations of providing aid. But it seemed as of late all of that was tossed aside.

Jimin was the one who orchestrated this in the first place, and so naturally, everyone looked at him for guidance. He was still shuffling around, nervously fiddling the blue pen.

"Well, first of all, I think we should talk more to R.D." A huff passed around the room.

"Talk to her?" V asked sceptically, mouth set in a straight line and heavy wrinkles carved between brows.

"Do you have any idea how difficult that would be?"

"Certainly it would be for you," Yoongi snarled, earning a harsh glare.

"Listen, at the end of the day, it's not really about us trying to force her into something. It's just to make sure... she's living a safe life. Well, the safest that's possible." Jimin said with enough sincerity to trigger certain insecurities within Yoongi and by the look of it also Namjoon.

It was no secret that between the seven, they were the most possessive over you. Both having the wrong idea that you were theirs. Which is why you left and why you probably were so caught up in Jimin. The purity and sheer selflessness of his sentiments acted like a punch to the gut. The genuine care that he reflected like a sun made the raw wound in Yoongi's chest seep even more. To be loved like that would be a dream come true. Yoongi shifted his attention to the laminated floor.

"We talk to her, find out what her life is like, keep a close eye on what Erik does. Talk to other cleaners about him, and once we find out, she's happy. That's. The. End. Of. That." There was no uncertainty. Jimin was dead serious.

The meeting was adjourned, quite amicably actually, but Yoongi knew that the rest of them had ulterior motives and plans. He had them too.

Jin and JK were no threat. Both were too uncertain of what to do with you.

Jimin had some deep-seated self esteem issues. Despite his 123 slide presentation, the way he spoke made it clear. That's probably why the abrupt parting, Yoongi mused. Both of you most likely shared the same anxiety about not being good enough for the other.

V was just V.

Namjoon was the only one Yoongi was truly worried about. Even from looking at his back, walking headstrong up the stairs, Yoongi could see how stubborn Namjoon was. In a way, it was like looking in a mirror. The possessiveness, the mulish mindset. They'd saw you, all of you and had decided that this was it. Yes, Namjoon would certainly be the toughest rival. However, Yoongi was very good at playing the long game. Especially if he wanted something so bad it felt like his thorax slowly being ripped out.

All that was left was Hope. But he wasn't even a viable player. After all, he hadn't even shown up.

***

"Why the fuck is he so heavy?" Erik grunted, swaying left and right and holding onto his dear life to the bagged pair of legs.

"Rigor mortis...set in," you huffed in answer, from the upfront of the body. "At least he wasn't rotting already. That's just nasty. 1, 2, 3."

Both of you lift the body into the van and let the poor bastard drop with a soft thud. Sweat pooled underneath your white hazmat suit with plastic glasses digging straight into your brain. You banged hard against the "EMT" van, and it drove away, carrying Dr. Martin Leyster to the morgue.

Should the neighbours see anything, it was a sad story of a depressed psychiatrist accidentally overdosing on his own meds. The evidence of him manipulating his most vulnerable patients into bankruptcy erased in you any stray feelings of sympathy though.

"You have the peroxide?" You rifled through the cleanup bag, but instead of answering, Erik began to actively point somewhere behind your back. A cold chill ran up your spine as you realize someone has been watching you stuff the body in the trunk. It quickly dissipates when you see a familiar smile.

"Hard at work, I see," Hope whistled, bounding towards you more like a kid on a school trip, rather than what the reality was.

"May I borrow your mentor for a bit?" He asked politely, still smiling up at Erik. There was no warmth in his expression.

"You are after all now an official member of the cleaner crew. Surely you can handle this on your own."

Erik looks at you for a moment before giving a loud sigh and trudging back to Leyster's office, the white toolbox angrily swishing back and forth in his hand.

Without hesitation, you remove the glasses from your head, revelling in the ease of pressure. Hope had stopped smiling altogether, looking quite pensive.

"What brings you here?" You ask lightly. To see him here is not worrying per se, but certainly interesting. He gives a quick shrug.

"Nothing much. Wanted to see how you were doing after that runt's little stunt." You only laugh at the shallow animosity. Erik's talent to drive people out of their patience was truly remarkable.

"I'm doing fine. You know... working. What about you?"

"I've been working as well."

You both fall silent.

"You ever thought about leaving the BH?" He suddenly asked, and you quirk a brow at the question.

"Not particularly. Have you?" Hope focuses a blank gaze at the grey walls of the multi-story apartment complex.

"A little bit. Last few days especially." You stand in muted shock. Hope was the last person you thought would quit. He was, without doubt, the most devoted, the most passionate out of all the hundreds of employees. He lived for the cause, he himself said so. And yet now he stood uncertain in front of you. Not really the bright and friendly Hope everyone knew, not really the strict and somewhat terrifying training teacher. He was just...quiet. It was an upsetting scene.

"Do you want to go for a drink or a lunch, maybe?" You offer, reaching for the zipper of the white suit. Yes, Erik could handle this on his own. He was a big boy. Hope hastily placed his hand atop of yours, pausing the movement. Even through the fabric, it radiated warmth. No wonder people called him sun. He frowned at the conjoined hands, lightly stroking his thumb over your knuckles before lighting up like a Christmas tree.

"No, no. I don't want to burden you with my problems." You didn't believe his smile for a second.

"Well, I won't steal you away for much longer, the pup might get anxious." He turned around, by the looks of ready to sprint off.

"Hey, wait!" He paused, not looking back.

"Do you why JK has been stalking me?"

"He has?"

He had. The first time you noticed a shifting figure in the background, you wrote it off to the combination of hangover and exhaustion. The second time he'd run off into the night faster than you could catch up. The third time you nearly flung yourself off the roof when seeing a pair of doe eyes staring back at you from an empty apartment building.

"There isn't like an alliance going around between some of my... acquaintances?" Truth be told, you found the very idea ridiculous, but it had wormed its ugly way into your brain and was now near impossible to get out. JK, Jimin, Yoongi and Namjoon wouldn't even get along with each other. Even though those four were most likely to meddle in your business. However, if looking realistically, it was probably just your paranoia taking an intensive round. Seeing suspicious cars, watchful eyes and snooping noses where there were none. Hope threw you a sardonic smile.

"That would just be stupid."

(a/n)

In this story people have their names and codenames and will be often used interchangeably. It all depends whether in the story the POV character knows the names of others or not.

#bts fanfic #bts x reader #bts x you #ot7 x reader #ot7 x you #bts angst #namjoon x reader #namjoon x y/n #namjoon x you #jin x reader #jin x y/n #jin x you #hoseok x reader #hoseok x you #hoseok x y/n #yoongi x reader #yoongi x you #yoongi x y/n #taehyung x reader #taehyung x you #taehyung x y/n #jimin x reader #jimin x you #jimin x y/n #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook x y/n #bts poly au

[sunderedandundone]

Here's the thing.

I admit I've been blindsided a bit by fan culture encounters on Tumblr and Discord -- personal encounters fan-to-fan in addition to specifically fannish discussions -- out of sheer ignorance. It's because I actually came at all o' this in kind of the opposite order to most people. That is to say, my proverbial 10,000 hours of badfic were all gotten out in notebooks, later Bank Street Writer files (not joking), then private Word docs. They are ancient floppy-era artifacts. The world's blessedly been spared like 95% percent of my juvenilia because there just wasn't an Internet, or there was only barely an Internet, to post it on. (I'm sure if there *had* been, I *would've* posted, and been terribly embarrassed for the rest of my life because yeah that's how I roll. :-P ) By the time the Internet was in full swing, what little 'fannish' stuff I was still doing was within the RPG world, on listservs (not joking), mIRC (still not joking), and somewhere in there I got hardcore into professional freelance writing for industry and wound up with almost no time for fanfic or even gaming. Then when that was done, I moved into pro writing and arting for my original IPs. Then in the middle of all *that*, the whole world took a fucking header into the arms of apocalypse, and I set my career aside to spend the next several years as a full-time nonviolence activist, (unsuccessfully) struggling to get people to rise up and demand nazis be removed from positions of power. It was only after I took a sabbatical from that for my own health -- as in, I could take a sabbatical, or I could end up dead, in prison, or in a straitjacket, those were the options -- and I was finally out of the whirlwind and honestly in a doldrums of scant energy or purpose, that I rediscovered fanfic and fanart. I did do LJ back in the day, but even there I didn't do much fan stuff. And every other social media platform's fannish communities, I more or less missed out on. I heard about Tumblr keyboard warriors and Twitter flame wars but never witnessed them, first because I wasn't there, and later on because I was only there to post quick update links for my original content. I still barely post on IG. Never been on TikTok, or Snapchat -- or Discord till very recently. So please understand, I missed ALL this shit! Yeah, I knew the Internet was a goulash, a scrapple loaf with gritty layers of drama for drama's sake, harassment, and even outright crime and hate-group recruitment. But I didn't understand what had happened to fandom and fannish forums -- or really *any* of the online spaces dominated by younger adults or teens -- during all the years I'd been gone. I had no understanding that it had moved from a place where a great number of the participants were neurodivergents of one kind or another -- just as I was, surprise surprise -- to a place where a neurodivergent (or even a neurotypical, apparently!) can so easily trip right into a minefield of unforeseen OUCH...from callouts and shunning straight on up to full-bore harassment, threats and stalking. O_o Even having seen some of the uglier SJ wars of the late oughts on Twitter and LJ, I would never have anticipated anything like (to take one example) these locust swarms of antis that seem to be able to chop out whole sectors of a fandom in a matter of weeks. I would never have anticipated being questioned about my fitness for a Discord based on someone I've been following on Tumblr because I think their art is pretty. I'm just constantly dropping my jaw like "hooooly shit, what bush did all this Lord of the Flies vibe suddenly jump out of??" Or else I'm taken back to that scene in Mad Max: Thunderdome, the one where the lost children mock up a frame resembling a TV screen to retell their half-historical folklore through.

It's a bit funny in the movie, if also rather sad. It's NOT at all funny here. It's not funny to have a community where the majority of folks haven't *really* studied anti-oppression discourse, or bell hooks/Foucalt pomo/deconstructionism, or the differences between Second & Third Wave feminisms and womanisms, or survivor psychology or any of that -- but they do have *just* enough of the lingo and the bullet points third-hand to garble it all up into this wild misreferenced munge, in service of...I dunno what to call it, even. Some weird sub-sub-culture war? Some neopuritanism? A sign that horseshoe theory might not have been QUITE as horseshit as I always perceived it to be?

Except it's all about people that...don't even exist.

-- Whilst people who absolutely *do* exist are energetically destroying the earth under our feet with impunity, which is an irony I could have died happy to never witness. And neither most apathetics NOR most activists are really even trying to stop them, and btw I fully don't get that, either. I wish I were referring here just to the behavior of actual minors, who'd at least be coming by it honestly, but sadly, I'm not. I'm also talking undiluted middle-school bullshit from people long since out of middle school. o_O

It's baffling AF. Each day I live through takes me further away from my own middle-school experience, and imho, that is one of *the* most wonderful things about unidirectional time. ;-) I...thought more people agreed?

Anyway. On the more personal level, here's the TL;DR: All I can do is offer apologies in advance when I don't know the terms or the etiquette, or when it turns out I was the only one who didn't know where the landmine was. I'd never claim the ancient days of fen were paradise (especially depending on who you were and whether you were the "right type" for a fandom :-( ), because they weren't. But they weren't quite this........COMPLICATED, either? I mean wow. *Just* being neurodivergent or just being in the older set would've made this all this confusing enough. Please remember that I'm both, and that I had this decades-long cryo-sleep right in the middle of things too. Be kind. I'll return the courtesy.

#it's a comic/book/show/movie/game y'all #holy shit #toxicity

[taesramenhair]

Set Me Free [MYG]

The abbey has been a constant in Yoongi’s life: his home, his school, his workplace. Now it’s burning, pillaged by invaders - and it’s up to him to keep their relic safe. The strange man he meets at the high altar doesn’t seem to understand that, but he does understand staying out of harm's way.

word count: 5.7k // genre + rating: SFW (12)

warnings/tags etc: violence, injury, minor character death (unnamed characters), mention of corporal punishment, some Not Nice People, as you might have guessed - angst with a happy ending, monk!Yoongi (sort of), vague middle ages AU, religious imagery, religious references, mainly ft. Jimin but the others have a cameo at the end too. [This is my first fic so I'm not used to tagging - please, please tell me if I've missed something important!]

Masterlist

Yoongi never thought he’d be grateful for a childhood spent chasing chickens, but here he was. With the wind snarling around his reddened ears and loose pebbles rolling under his feet, he was immensely thankful that he’d always been given the outdoor duties. At the time, he’d hated it, of course, but it had built his stamina - and if there’s one thing you need when fleeing up a mountain, chased by murderous bandits, it’s the ability to run.

Not that he was going that fast anymore. The terrain was difficult, path narrow and winding, and the cut on his arm was distractingly painful. It wasn’t bleeding so much now, thankfully, but it throbbed with every beat of his worn-down sandals against the dusty rock. His one advantage over his pursuers was that he knew this path well and they didn’t. He had gained a lead on them in the twisting corridors of the abbey – his abbey, now nothing more than hollowed, blackened stone burning violently in the valley below – and left them scrabbling foolishly in the dense foliage at the base of the mountain. It wouldn’t be long before they made their way through, though, and he had to reach the top first. He had to make it to the altar.

A misjudged footfall coming around the last corner slid Yoongi into the floor, landing heavily on his left shoulder as the strap of his sandal broke apart. Every ache in his body rose now that he wasn’t moving, screaming up towards the bright midday sky even as he forced himself to let out nothing louder than a pained groan. He couldn’t let them know anything was wrong. Let them think he was safe. Let them think he was long gone.

Testing his shoulder with a gentle roll – ah, painful – the young acolyte turned onto his knees and rose shakily. The broken sandal was all but useless, barely staying on his foot as he stepped forward. This high on the mountain, though, the ground was harsh and stony, the only foliage being the flowering apple tree next to the altar Yoongi couldn’t yet see but knew was just over the next rise. He’d have to hobble to keep the shoe on but it was preferable to tearing the sole of his foot on jagged stones. If only he hadn’t given his best shoes as an offering, he thought bitterly – and then instantly chastised himself. The gods had ben pleased with that offering, had taken it quickly and sent plentiful rains in response. It had been a worthwhile sacrifice, even if he was now struggling to reach sanctuary.

A noise below told him the bandits had broken through the tree cover already. They were gaining on him. He hobbled faster.

No one had expected an attack that day. Yoongi had been by the stream when it started, bathing his battered hands in the cool waters, breathing in the dews of the spring day and hoping they would sweeten his tears.

(It had been his turn to watch the blessed fire, but he had been sick all week and the abbot had caught him sleeping at his post. The welts of his punishment would linger for a few days: they always did.)

Hearing the tower bells had pulled Yoongi from his mournful reverie – it was not yet dawn, and those bells should not have been ringing. Something was terribly wrong.

Cold grey stone was already dripping red warmth by the time Yoongi reached the doors to the place he had called home since his seventh winter. Prayerful silence had given way to terrible screams, like the great oaken entrance had buckled beneath the force of the invaders’ battering. Centuries of monastic tradition was no match for the terror of a freshly forged blade baptising itself in the blood of the aged brothers, it would seem.

He could have run there and then, abandoned it all to its inevitable oblivion and fled towards the slowly rising sun. There were things he had grown to value there, though, lessons that had been drummed into him by chant and fast and blood. To run with no attempt at saving the abbey’s great treasure would be an insult to the gods too grave to contemplate. Sure, he would survive – but it would not be a life worth having, cursed to his final breath.

So he had waded through the wails of his brothers, the dying agony of those who had raised and formed him, taking the hidden passages to reach the inner sanctum before the newcomers did. They seemed to plunder aimlessly, unaware that there was only one prize worth having within the abbey walls, more valuable than the golden triptychs or the silver-wrought chalices. For the blessed fire – the one Yoongi had been punished so harshly for failing to attend – burned to light the presence of a great relic: a priceless stone that betokened the favour of the gods. That favour had passed now from the vaulted corridors of the abbey it had settled on for centuries, that much was clear. Even so, as Yoongi crawled past the death-closed eyes of the kind, wizened man he had once playfully addressed as halabeoji, he knew the stone must be preserved and taken to the high altar until the gods chose to bestow it anew. If he could just get it there, he could beg their protection in return – he could beg preservation from the terrible fate that had fallen out around him.

Now, finally dragging his trembling limbs over the last mound, Yoongi saw the goal he had been fighting towards since daybreak. Half-shrouded in bruised blossoms from the apple tree stretching lazily by its side, the high altar basked in afternoon sunshine, dark stone glistening where droplets from the nearby waterfall had lost their way. He had seen it many times, in all weathers – sent far up the mountain in deepest winter to offer penance for a drifting mind; honoured to represent the community in late summer and give thanks for a bountiful harvest. Always the end of his journey and always a place of refuge. Looking at it, he could almost forget about the horrors he had seen. It was almost relaxing.

Only almost, though. Not only was he aware of the toll his journey had taken – not to mention the danger still snapping at his blistered heels – but when Yoongi looked at the altar today, he saw something he had never seen there before.

A young man – small, lithe, delicate – was sitting on the altar, back against the sacred tree. He was a vision in the dappled light, so beautiful next to Yoongi’s swollen eyes, bloodied robes and dusty feet. Looks were deceiving, though, and apparently Yoongi was to add another sacrilege to the list of crimes committed against everything he held dear. The man, damn him, was eating the offerings left upon the altar for the gods. Had he had more energy, Yoongi could have burst into tears at the sight.

“What are you doing?” he cried, voice cracking and distraught. “Get off! Go away! Those are offerings, we need them! I – please. I need the gods’ favour. Go away!” The boy did little more than blink at Yoongi and tilt his head slowly to the left. A child-like hand raised a flask of blessed water – blessed water – to full, pink lips and Yoongi choked on air, disbelieving.

“There are no gods here, silly.” A soft, high voice came from the young man, sure and unconcerned. “Only me.”

Angry tears did slip from Yoongi’s eyes then. How dare this – this boy say such things? Yoongi had not endured the destruction of his home for some spoiled brat to anger the gods and leave him defenceless and a failure. Marching towards the altar, he bowed quickly and muttered an apology to the tree before taking a firm grasp of the boy’s black hair and yanking him down unceremoniously, heedless of the responding cry.

“I am the last acolyte of the abbey and I will not have you defile this altar and the offerings left to our gods.” His speech would have more impact if he weren’t gasping through tears and physically shaking, but Yoongi was doing his best. “We have been beaten and burned and murdered today and I am here to return the stone of favour to the gods for safekeeping and beg their protection from the evil that has pursued me all day and you – how dare you treat this place with so little respect?” Wide eyes and a soft pout looked up at him from the ground, the boy not having moved from where Yoongi had thrown him. He realised that the ground was still harsh here and felt a little bad – even if he was a sacrilegious blasphemer, this boy seemed a couple of years younger than Yoongi and the fall must have hurt him. Still, there were more pressing matters at hand. Yoongi did his best to rearrange the remaining gifts on the altar (so few, the boy must taken so much of it, the gods would be displeased) and placed the stone carefully in the centre before dropping stiffly to his knees. Wiping his tears and bowing his head to the ground, he muttered out a series of chants and then sat back on his heels, chin lifted to the skies and streaming eyes closed against the light.

“Great gods above, hear my call,” he declared, loudly as his ragged throat allowed him. “We know not why you have withdrawn your blessing from us. We thank you for having granted it at all, for letting us live such charmed lives for you for many years. We return now your stone. Please retain your grace in it and bestow it anew upon others. Do not abandon us all, oh great ones. Hear me when I call to you, worthless as I am. Do not forget us all.” His voice faltered and Yoongi tipped his head forward again, barely managing a whisper. “I ask your protection. Please. I know I have not served you perfectly, but I have tried so hard. I wanted to please you. I want to deserve your favour. You’ve always answered me so graciously – and I know better servants have died horribly today, but please. I don’t want to die. Protect me.” The thunderous footsteps of the bandits started to reach his ears and Yoongi gasped, pressing his face desperately to the ground once more. A soft noise behind him reminded him he was not alone and he spoke again. “Protect us both.”

For a few moments there was silence, and then Yoongi heard the stones to his left shifting quickly, as though someone were running towards him. He tensed, still bowing before the altar and praying that somehow the gods would protect him. A pair of hands grabbed his upper arms and pulled, and he couldn’t help but let out a sob. He knew he had never deserved anything from the gods, but he had hoped so dearly that they would spare him.

“It’s just me, acolyte, get up.” The words filtered through his distress like thick cream through muslin, slow and awkward. He couldn’t quite grasp them. “We have to go, now.”

“Can’t,” he stuttered out, managing to open his eyes and twist away from the young man’s grip, crawling back towards the altar. “I have to be here. The gods –“

“The gods won’t help you.” Though his words were harsh, the man looked concerned, reaching a hand out towards Yoongi again imploringly. “Let me help you, please. Come with me. They’re close now: we have to go.” Yoongi knew he was telling the truth – he could hear voices as well as footsteps now, could almost hear the singing of the blades he knew the bandits were carrying. But he couldn’t leave the altar – could he? It had always been his safety and it was the last remains of his abbey – his faith. He had run this far for the gods. If he ran further, for himself, did that make him a coward? Would he have betrayed them all? Would he prove himself as unworthy as the abbot had always told him he was? Teary-eyed and shaking, he set his mouth and looked the young man right in the eye.

“Save yourself if you can. I cannot leave.” It had the desired effect. The man nodded curtly, stood and began to leave, pausing by the altar as he did so.

“Fine,” he called back. “But I’m taking the rest of this food with me. No point letting it go to waste. This stone is pretty, too. I don’t know about it being blessed or anything, but I think I’ll take it.” Sure enough, he picked it up, tossed it in the air and pocketed it with a stunning smile that all but closed his eyes. Then, he started simply sauntering away, all sense of urgency gone.

He’s baiting me, Yoongi thought. He hadn’t managed to convince him to leave on his own, so he was taking the stone like some sort of carrot, hoping Yoongi, like a donkey, would follow. Yoongi half wanted to be stubborn, to sit there and die like a fool just to prove that he had a stronger will than this brattish stranger presumed. The louder part of him, however, was relieved at having been given permission to abandon the altar, a reason beyond self-preservation to stand up and follow him to safety. He couldn’t leave the stone of favour in the hands of someone with so little respect that he would lean against a sacred tree and eat the gods’ offerings with his feet on their altar. Impossible. It was his sacred duty to stagger up and stumble after him, calling chastisements as loudly as he dared and trying to match pace when the stranger sped up, leading him around the corner from the altar to a hidden path he had never thought to look for.

The altar was at the top of the mountain path – Yoongi had never considered that there might be other paths down beyond it. It was the destination, the end of the line. Going further just wasn’t something he’d ever considered, and that this man was leading him like it was second nature was the last straw for him. Lost in a haze, he followed wordlessly, almost blindly, the ache of his arms and his legs and his feet whispering somewhere but barely decipherable through the thick fog of his mind. At some point they entered a dark tunnel and the young man took his hand gently, perhaps aware of how feeble Yoongi’s grip on awareness was. Between the soft touch and the pressing darkness around him, Yoongi let himself go.

Waking up again was a far less pleasant experience than drifting off had been. It wasn’t a slow rise to the surface, lazy and comfortable like waking to a summer dawn – it was a sudden dive from absolute nothingness into decided somethingness. All at once Yoongi was aware again of the stiffness in his calves and the ache of his arm; the throb of his head from a week of sickness, a lack of sleep and the dehydration of having cried his frustrations out on the mountaintop. The fog lifted and he sat up quickly, huffing softly through his nose as the movement made his stomach lurch and his vision swim. He could remember being annoyed at a bright smile, and fluffy, black hair disappearing into a tunnel – and the stone! Right, yes. Dangerous bandits, bratty stranger, following the stone. That’s what had happened.

“There’s some water next to you – you should drink it,” he heard the stranger say from somewhere off to his right. Yoongi glanced around him, twisting on the bed roll laid out in his corner of what seemed to be a small, wooden room. Sure enough, there was a whole pitcher of water beside him. After a few seconds of blinking at the floor failed to magic a cup into existence, Yoongi picked it up and hesitantly tilted it against his lips. The water was lukewarm and hardly counted as refreshing, but he hadn’t had anything to drink since the abbot had woken him before, well, everything and his throat was grateful to be soothed.

“What did you do with the stone?” Even after a few mouthfuls of water, his voice was deep and gruffer than he had meant it to be. The stranger just giggled and Yoongi managed to make out his shape in the low light, sitting against the opposite wall.

“Don’t worry, acolyte. It’s safe here. I’ll give it to you in the morning, if you like.” Yoongi grumbled and the stranger laughed again. “You know, you were cute when you were half asleep. All whiny, like a kitten.”

“I’m not a kitten.” (He had a vague notion that his mother used to call him that. He hadn’t seen her for years, not since she had given him away in the hope of pleasing the gods and bringing a good harvest. Maybe he had dreamed it up. He certainly hadn't had a nickname since joining the abbey.)

“Who are you, then?” The question took Yoongi by surprise and he cleared his throat as he shifted back a little, resting against the wall behind him and drawing his knees painfully up. From the feel of the fabric under his fingertips, he was still in his robes from earlier and whilst he was relieved that the stranger had not undressed him, he desperately wanted to be clean. He wondered whether there was any chance of getting a bath, just soaking in hot water and letting it steam away everything that had happened. Probably not.

“Yoongi,” he said shortly. “Who’re you?”

“My name’s Jimin. How old are you?”

“Twenty-three.” Yoongi didn’t like where this was going.

“Hyung!”

“No.” He thought he could see a flicker of a pout and was glad of the cover of darkness. Living around older monks meant he hadn’t really been exposed to much cuteness – he hadn’t been anyone’s hyung ever– so he didn’t think he’d be able to hold out against it. At least if he couldn’t see this Jimin’s face, the only thing he had to resist was the whining that started up immediately.

“I saved your life, let me call you hyung!”

“You desecrated my altar!”

“I told you, Yoongi-hyung, there are no gods here! If the altar’s not really sacred, how can I have desecrated it?” That stung worse than the other injuries vying for Yoongi’s attention. He had devoted his life to serving the gods. It was all he had known. He had put up with long nights and early mornings for years, allowed the other monks to literally beat him into shape, all in the hope that it would appease some deity with the power to improve people’s lives - and now this clueless boy wanted to tear it all into pieces.

“There are gods, Jimin-ssi. We have left them offerings for centuries, and they have always taken them and given what we asked for in return.” He thought he heard a snort, and it was his turn to pout.

“Like what, hyung? When have the gods taken something and given something in return? How would that even work?” Yoongi didn’t have to think.

“Last autumn. The rains were late so the farmers were worried the fruits wouldn’t ripen properly and they would have to feed their livestock from reserves, which might mean they would run out before the frosts ended. I’d been working on a new pair of sturdy boots all year because mine had fallen to pieces, but we needed an offering, so I brought them up to the altar and left them there. Two days later, the rains started, and the boots were gone. We gave the boots; they gave the rains.” He sounded smug. He knew he sounded smug, but he also knew he was right. Traditions existed for a reason, and the abbey existed because it worked. It helped. The monks prayed and trekked up the mountain to offer sacrifices because the gods listened to them and protected their people. Or at least, they used to.

“Oh.” There was the sound of shuffling across the room, and then a hiss as a flame was struck. Yoongi blinked blearily as Jimin lit a candle, picked something up from the floor and shuffled over, nearly tripping on the long, woven blanket he had wrapped around his narrow shoulders. “Um, Yoongi-ssi – those boots, they, um. Well. They didn’t look like this, did they?” Kneeling next to Yoongi’s bed roll, Jimin lifted the candle and proffered a muddy pair of boots with his other hand. Slightly crooked teeth worried his lip as he waited for the acolyte to respond. Yoongi took the boots reluctantly, fingering over the caked mud and peering closely. He couldn’t see much, in truth – and he had only ever felt his boots when they were brand new, unworn. His fingertips didn’t recognise these ones, leather both soft with wear and rugged from the elements. Guiding Jimin’s hand closer to gain more light, he turned them over and picked at the dirt dried into the arch.

“You’re terrible at looking after boots,” he muttered as a large clump came away in his hand, revealing the sole. Jimin didn’t respond. The last bit of mud fell to the floor and Yoongi coughed on a harsh sob. There, tucked next to the heel, was the mark Yoongi put on all his things.

“I’m so sorry,” Jimin whispered as Yoongi’s eyes drifted blankly to the wall beside him. “I didn’t realise you had offered them up. I always – ever since I was tiny, there have always been things there and we always took them, so I thought they were meant for us. I thought you all knew we were taking them. I thought you were looking after us.”

“You’ve been taking the offerings for years?” Maybe if he asked the question quietly enough, the answer would be different. It wasn’t.

“All my life. Yoongi-ssi, I’m so sorry. My parents showed me and when they were gone - I guess I didn't think about it. I didn’t know it meant anything until you shouted at me earlier, and then I thought you were just being… I don’t know. Sanctimonious?” Yoongi huffed, still not looking at the younger man.

“Big word.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry it wasn’t what you thought – but those offerings didn’t go to waste. We’d have died here without them.” A silence stretched tensely between them, Jimin left without words to explain himself and Yoongi winded by how abruptly his world was turning itself inside out. Apparently, it wasn’t enough that he had lost everything that had ever been familiar to him. He also had to have his faith shaken and his understanding of how the world worked ripped out from under him. There was only really one thing to do.

“I’m going to sleep,” he mumbled, curling up to face the wall even though it meant lying on his wrenched shoulder. Behind him, he heard Jimin place the candle on the ground and move the boots – his boots? Yoongi’s boots? it didn’t matter anymore – away.

“Hyung,” came the soft voice again as a small hand reached over his hunched shoulder, “here. I think you should keep this. We can talk again in the morning.” Firm fingers prised Yoongi’s hand away from his side and pressed something cool and round into his palm. The stone, he thought. There is still the stone. He fell asleep with it pressed against his chest, safe.

They didn’t speak the next day. In fact, Yoongi gave Jimin the silent treatment for three weeks, only staying with him because the heavens opened during the night and refused to close again for long enough to allow Yoongi to even hope to venture off the mountainside. He didn’t have anywhere to go in any case – and whilst he was furious with Jimin and completely lost without his routine and the guidance of the other monks, he knew being somewhere warm and dry, with a reliable source of food and someone to offer to massage his aching shoulder was better than dying in a ditch somewhere from stubbornness.

(He never accepted the massage offers, of course, but it felt nice to know that someone cared enough to ask.)

When the rains finally cleared, Yoongi had Jimin show him the way back up to the altar. The blossom was all gone now, flushed away by the rain, but the leaves were strong and the waterfall babbled happily. Yoongi didn’t think the tree would fruit this year, since the flowers hadn’t had time to set before the storms, but it still stood. The altar still stood. That was something.

Sitting on the edge of the mountain, he could see the charred ruins of his home below – joined now by more ruins to the west. Though they hadn’t found him, the group who had attacked the abbey had travelled back down the mountain and continued their rampage, working through the nearby villages and taking what they could. Bright sunshine was no remedy for such heaviness, and Yoongi felt his face crumple watching the birds fly down towards the blackened remains of thriving communities. Maybe Jimin was right and there never were gods – maybe it was better that way. To think that they had been abandoned to such death and ruin hurt more than believing they had never been blessed by anything more than good chance in the first place.

“Hey, hyung – look!” Jimin called excitedly from the waterfall, oblivious to the destruction right below him. Jimin, it turned out, had never really come down off the mountain. His parents had retreated to a small cabin in a hidden glade after a particularly nasty feud with a distant cousin, and he had been raised in near solitude. He knew about the villages, of course, but he had never been to one. Their loss was a sad idea to him, but no more than that. Flowering daisies were all it took to distract him, and he sought to do the same for Yoongi, even if he was ignored.

“Hey, Grumpy-hyung! I saved your life, you know, you can at least pretend to be interested when I try to show you the finer beauties of this world!” A thought struck Yoongi, finally back in the place where he had thought for certain his life would end. It hit him hard enough to make him gasp, head tilting up to the sky so quickly that Jimin forgot his flowers and came rushing to see what the matter was.

“You’re wrong!” he declared as soon as Jimin settled beside him, before the younger boy had even spoken. “You’re wrong.”

“Something tells me you’re not talking about daisies.”

“There are gods.” Yoongi brought his chin down again and looked at Jimin straight, eyes still red from his tears but perfectly sure. “You said there weren’t gods. There are.”

“Um. Ok.”

“There are. I asked them for their protection and they protected me.” Jimin’s brow crinkled a little and his eyes followed Yoongi’s movement as he stood and paced to the altar, one hand reaching out gently to touch the bark of the apple tree.

“I mean, not to be pedantic, but I protected you, hyung.”

“Sure.” Yoongi had never admitted that before, no matter how much Jimin wheedled for acknowledgment. He figured either this was a minor miracle or the pressure had finally cracked him. “I’ve been coming up here for fifteen years, Jimin-ah. All times of day, all seasons, all weathers. I’ve never seen you. None of us have. And then the one day I need someone to be here, when I’m being chased and I’m completely alone for the first time in my life - you’re just sitting on the altar." For the first time, Jimin saw Yoongi smile – a bright, full-toothed, gummy thing that lit up his eyes and transformed his face. “Like an offering. We gave them offerings, they gave them to you – and then they gave you back to me.” When Yoongi chuckled and leant against the tree, Jimin couldn’t help but giggle as well.

“I don’t think that’s compelling theology, hyung, but if it makes you happy, you go ahead and think that.”

“Just admit it, Jimin-ah. You’re wrong. The gods exist and they’re here and they care and we’re going to be alright. Just you wait.”

It had taken two years for the invaders to take everything they could from the land, and three more for life to start again once they abandoned it to decay. Now, though, from his rock on top of the mountain Yoongi could see white smoke rising from chimneys once more, could follow the path of trundling carts along the roads between each growing settlement. He had taken Jimin down there a few times, to see how the people lived and to do what he could to help them. Although the abbey and the men who had raised him were gone, the skills he had learned remained and he had a lot to offer. If in time it meant he could earn a little money and make life a bit easier, that was a blessing too.

Life with Jimin had taken some time to adjust to. He had considered leaving after his revelation, heading north in the hopes of finding a new monastery and enfolding himself once more in the familiarity of an ordered life. He'd got as far as packing a small bag of food and reclaiming his boots from Jimin. When he had put them on to leave, though, it had all felt wrong. Officially, the boots had worn to Jimin's feet already and Yoongi refused to make a long journey in uncomfortable shoes. Jimin had accepted that excuse without fuss, thrilled to keep his companion, but they both knew that wasn't the real reason. After all, Jimin had watched Yoongi stumble into a mountain clearing with a sword wound on his arm, a dislocated shoulder and a broken sandal all for the sake of a small stone. Uncomfortable boots were hardly going to stop him leaving if he really wanted to.

For whatever reason, he had elected to stay, to learn how to live with just one person for company and without orders and punishments and bells to mark his day. Chasing chickens was also useful for catching rabbits, it turned out, and he taught Jimin the skills he needed to find food now that there weren't regular offerings to pilfer. Jimin taught him to dance, and sang real songs to him. He taught him to laugh again, and if anyone were to suggest they be parted now, he would probably growl at them and pull his dongsaeng behind him for protection.

The altar would always be special to him. When the weather was good, Jimin would often find him up there long past dark, listening to the waterfall or leaning against the tree. One autumn, he even convinced him to sit up on the altar itself.

("Hyung," he had whined, "don't leave me up here alone. If the gods didn't like it, they would have struck me down years ago. Live a little."

"Brat," Yoongi had muttered in reply, hiding his smile even as he climbed up onto the stone. Since he was yet to be blasted to smithereens, he figured he was alright to keep doing it.)

It was there that he was sat the day the monks returned to the mountain. The afternoon sunshine was lazy, winding its way through the apple tree's branches and kissing its growing fruit softly. Yoongi had brought a cushion and was leaned back against the tree trunk, legs stretched out across the altar and mind drifting when an outraged shout made him open one eye and smirk.

"Yah!" a tall stranger exclaimed, pulling his robes up with one hand and gesticulating wildly with the other as he strode purposefully towards Yoongi. "Get off of there! Get down! That's a sacred altar!" Behind him was a group of four men, two looking nervous and carrying large baskets of food and one cradling a ceramic pot like it was glass while the last glared at him. Yoongi thought the glare might have something to do with the fact that the pot was missing one handle - which he located in the glarer's hand. Good to know every monastery had its own god of destruction.

"I take it you are the monks in charge of rebuilding the abbey?" Yoongi drawled, crossing his feet, completely unbothered by the new arrivals. Their leader halted in his striding, pulling his head back slightly in confusion.

"Uh - yes. That's us." One of the food bearers turned to the other with wide eyes, but received no more than a shrug in response. They looked very young - Yoongi hoped they were close. He thought he saw the one holding a pot begin to say 'hyung' and stop sheepishly when his hyung's heart-shaped mouth frowned even harder. Cute.

"Excellent." Hopping off the altar, Yoongi pulled a string from around his neck and took the stranger's hand. Unfurling crooked fingers, he placed the object in his palm and patted his shoulder familiarly, smiling at the gawk he got in return. "You'll need this, then. I've had it these past five years and I've been more blessed than I ever thought I would be. Guard it well, brother." He turned to walk away as the leader looked behind him, proffering the stone to one of his followers and saying, "Namjoon-ah, is this -" The answering gasp suggested they knew exactly what the stone meant.

"Oh, by the way," he called back at the corner where the path down to his and Jimin's cottage started. "If you ever need anything, just come here and leave a note. My friend and I will be happy to help. You never walk alone." With a soft smile, he disappeared around down the mountain and left them to their offerings.

(And if Jimin bounced home that evening with fine wine in a pot with a broken handle - well, Yoongi wouldn't be surprised.)

#fic #my work #is it obvious i know nothing about graphic design teehee #yoongle boongle #ft. maknae hyung #ok serious tags now #angst #fluff #min yoongi #park jimin #min yoongi fic #bangtan fanfic #bts #bts suga #bts jimin