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4dkellysworld · 9 months

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Self-realization vs derealization

I saw an ask @adadisciple about derealization and thought I'd add my 2 cents here as I have experienced derealization in the past and might be able to offer a bit more insight. I didn't want to reblog that ask for personal reasons and also the response is really long. Disclaimer: I am not a therapist either, my thoughts are based on personal experience alone so take whatever feels right and leave the rest. Also I can't speak from the perspective of full realization as I am not there yet but hopefully this helps in some way.

When I first found non-dualism, I also had similar concerns as someone who had experienced derealization, I thought: was this another thing that was going to induce it?

Let's start with the definition (thank you Google) for those reading who may be unclear:

Depersonalization/derealization disorder involves a persistent or recurring feeling of being detached from one's body or mental processes, like an outside observer of one's life (depersonalization), and/or a feeling of being detached from one's surroundings (derealization).

From personal (human/ego) experience, this condition is purely of the mind and body with blocked awareness (? not sure if this is correct terminology, I am not talking about pure awareness in this case but more mindfulness*) and is often just a symptom of another mental or physical condition/illness such as depression/anxiety etc. The mind and/or body are just completely detached however, there is clouded awareness (due to the mind/body) and you just feel like you are existing and floating around. You very much still feel a part of the world and identify as such (although feeling detached & disengaged) even if you have lost faith in everything you feel as real. It's sort of hard to put into words but if you have experienced derealization too, then hopefully you can relate and understand what I am getting at. When I experienced it, I didn't know of any truth. I just lost faith in the world and didn't know what was real anymore. So, I was completely checked out.

*Mindfulness is paying full attention to what is going on in you and outside you, moment by moment, without judgment. (thanks Google)

Ada made a really good distinction here (I suggest reading the full ask)**:

The point of this all was to let go of concepts, let go of believing in things, investigating their validity, experimenting. Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did?

**Actually, re-reading that ask made me realize maybe a reblog of an exercise I recommended is not the best since it instructs denial of what ego believes to be real instead of disbelief and experimentation (eep, Vanessa is still learning and evolving!). See my edit on this post :)

Here is another relevant and helpful ask by 4dbarbie:

I don't teach to do anything to the 3D, not even deny it. Not seeing the world as it is, is an aversion to it. - Lester Levenson Your 3D is right and perfect, what you see is what you are so even if you're seeing what 'you' don't want, the 3D is not wrong in being what it is. Fearing it, trying to manipulate it, lying to yourself about it being something different - all useless and vain attempts. See it as it is and it will fix itself. And no, being delusional is not good, it leads you not to trust your own judgment OR senses. Which is not right, why shouldn't you? What is wrong with your vision? Being delusional from your ego self is really harmful, someone could be abusing you and you would go "i'm sure that's not right he loves me so much in my 4D!!!"

So lets clarify the distinction:

Derealization = denial of everything while still identifying as the ego (and the world as reality) although not wanting to => ego experiences confusion/chaos/mental condition/disorders

Self-realization = disbelief of current reality concepts => letting go of such concepts and quieting the mind => experiencing the true Self (the creator of the mind) => permanent identification with Self, not imaginary concepts (including the ego) => Knowing Reality, and therefore realizing full peace and freedom

Now let's move onto practicing non-dualism. The basis of the practice is let go of thoughts, quiet the mind and focus on being awareness/I AM. It is all about letting go, not denial.

From a non-dualist perspective, derealization is just another mental concept/creation. When the mind is completely silent (and sustained) and pure awareness is realized and embodied, when Self is your permanent identification, when you (Self) know you are not your body not Vanessa feeling dissassociated from mind & body or just intellectually knowing it from learning concepts (important distinction!), it is not derealization, in fact it is the only reality, the only truth.

I have experienced short moments of experiencing myself as the pure witness where the mind was completely quiet and those short moments felt so peaceful, whole and true. There were no feelings of derealization in that moment because there was no active mind then. Right now, I do think my ego feels a bit derealized at times but this is because I have not fully identified with Self yet and it is also because my sense and understanding of reality is in the process of being recalibrated on this journey. When this happens, I sit in silence and go back to the one truth 'I Am' and feel myself into it and everything else melts away. The more you do this, the more you will feel the truth and peace until it becomes permanent (when you realize Self).

But no one can give you the whole truth but yourself.

Lester: Yes. However, knowing what you're telling me helps one let go of that obstacle of intellectual knowledge. I prod you in this direction, don't I? I say: “Don't believe anything. Start from scratch. Build up your knowledge on the solid foundation of proof, step by step.” Everyone must do this. Q: You can't take someone else's experience? Lester: Right, you would be working on hearsay, on what they have said, and the only useful thing is that which you experience. I relate it to driving a car. If I say I know how to drive a car after reading a book that directs you to turn the key on, start the motor, shift into drive and step on the gas, do I know how to drive a car? No, not until I experience it can I drive a car. It's the same thing on the path; we must experience everything. We must, of course, adopt the attitude that what the Great Ones say is so, that they have experienced it. However, you must check it out and prove it for yourself. And the basic Truth is that there’s only one Reality; there's only one absolute Truth, and that is that this whole world or universe is nothing but God, but better than that, is nothing but my very own Self. God could be far away; He could be miles and miles away in cosmic space, but my very own Self is right here, is something I know about, is something I can perceive, it is my very own Self! So, using Self as God is far more practical than putting Him out there, putting Him apart from us. But each one must start from the bottom and prove this whole thing for himself. As the proofs come, the more they come the more we accept until we experience the whole thing. - Lester Levenson, Session 11: Meditation with Quest - Keys to Ultimate Freedom

"And the basic Truth is that there’s only one Reality; there's only one absolute Truth" I literally didn't even read this excerpt before sharing it (searched the book for the keyword 'proof' because I was looking for another excerpt) but came to the same conclusion after practicing and experiencing it for myself. And that is what you must do if you want the truth too. Experience and then decide for yourself.

This perceived and experienced knowledge is the only knowledge that does us any good. We can read everything on the subject, but it doesn’t help. Our life doesn’t change much, and it doesn’t because we don’t integrate the knowledge into our beingness through realization. Realized knowledge is nonintellectual, although the means we use are intellectual. We use our mind, we direct our mind toward the answer, but you will discover that the answer does not come from the mind. It comes from a place just behind the mind. It comes from the realm of knowingness, the realm of omniscience. By quieting the mind through stilling our thoughts, each and every one of us has access to this realm of knowingness. Then and there you realize, you make real. You know and you know that you know. - Lester Levenson, Session 6: Realization - Keys to Ultimate Freedom

If you want to understand more about the process of realizing Self, I recommend reading my 4dbarbie remix post. If you have already read it, reread it, maybe even read some of the referenced posts/asks and see if you get any new understanding. Or better yet, just sit in silence and stillness, quiet the mind and focus on 'I Am'.

I must emphasise that in non-duality, letting go of the ego is the basic foundation of practice as it is very much a journey of self-transformation (this is just another concept to help the ego understand, but you are always, have always been and always will be Self, you just do not see it as you are currently identified as the ego).

If you (the ego) are not willing to do that, then come back when you are ready. It is not up to anyone to convince you to adopt this practice and way of life.

#writings #non duality #non dualism

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girl-in-the-mirrorbluenight · 5 months

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Okay I've been thinking about this pretty much all day since I saw the hbomberguy and then todd in the shadows video i just have so many thoughts. While I wouldn't necessarily call myself a Video Essayist™ (I've only made a few over the years) as a youtuber and someone who has made video essays i definitely have more experience than the average person. There are so many things that stand out to me about this whole debacle i dont even know where to start.

First I want to just give a little insight into the process for making video essays from people who've never given it a shot and just how absurd it is to do the type of plagiarizing James has done. Video essays take a fuckton of research, even for pretty simple topics, but on top that you also have to make them with the medium of video in mind. it's really not enough to just take an essay you would write for a class and read it out loud. the flow is different, you have to have accompanying visuals, often background music, etc. They're a beast to make. My Twisted video for which i used literally two sources for my research (Sondheim's books and the musical Twisted) still took days of thorough reading, note taking, watching the musical, watching the musical again, watching the musical and taking notes, cross-referencing my notes, etc. For videos that synthesize multiple sources or are covering multiple pieces of media, that time goes up exponentially. Then there's writing, recording, gathering clips (often one of the most difficult parts depending on how obscure what you're talking about is), and editing. Even for a silly video like my Glee video, I still had to do a ton of research to make sure I was getting things correct, and that was a funny tier list about freaking Glee! There is just no way you could come up with a thorough analysis by just copying and pasting. Which brings me to my next point.

I think James may have thought (or more likely rationalized) what he was doing as analysis based on like the vaguest definition. When you do any kind of analysis, what you're doing is taking research from multiple different places (news articles, primary sources, existing analysis, etc.) and coming to your own conclusions, whether that's a synthesis of those different sources, or applying it to a specific thing like a movie. Really simple example is my Twisted video where I take Sondheim's writing and apply it to a specific piece of media (in this case Twisted). I'm using existing work but coming to my own conclusion. In the Spies Are Forever video, I took existing research about the Lavender Scare and the Hays Code, including primary sources from the time period, and applied it to the musical Spies are Forever. What James seem to do is take a bunch of existing scholarship, copy and paste it all together and then come to a "conclusion" that was not actually his own original thoughts but either "facts" he completely made up or something that didn't do anything to actually link his other "sources" together. I can see why it has the veneer of analysis, but making up a random "fact" you think might be true is not the same as a drawing a conclusion based on research.

I also think Todd made a really good point in the part about England's propaganda campaign against Italy around 9:30 that it's just really bad video making to not include examples of images from this so called propaganda campaign. I have a ton of examples of news clips, government reports, etc. in my SaF video about the Lavender Scare because...it was a real historic thing that happened! If something was supposedly so widespread and not even that long ago, you can probably find evidence of it somewhere. Kaz Rowe (who is also linked in the queer creators playlist on hbomberguy's vid) talked about this a lot in their video about tiktok misinfo where people often make these outrageous claims but the thing is if something so outrageous happened (like people constantly shitting on the floors of versailles), other people at the time would probably be talking about it somewhere. It's a big red flag when someone makes such bold claims and has no evidence to back it up.

Putting this last section under the cut because I go talk about WWII, Nazis, and HIV/AIDS a bit (watch Todd's video for some more context) so if you don't want to see that post is over here.

Lastly I wanted to talk about something else Kaz brings up in a lot of their videos when talking about historical topics and that is the tendency to dehumanize people of the past, often as unwashed, unintelligent masses who would just do any ridiculous disgusting thing because they were so stupid and disgusting. There are a lot of things to criticize about the people of the past and their actions obviously, but we cannot forgot that they were in fact, people. Real individual people with their own lives and dreams and ambitions and individual opinions and they have never been and never will be a monolith. Claiming anything is broadly true of "the victorians" or "the ancient egyptians" or whatever other vague historical group you want to talk about is usually a lot more nuanced than "they all thought or acted in this one particular way". I'm certainly not a historian and i've only done one history focused video but James Somerton seemed to make a lot of broad historical claims in his videos that I think fall into this trap.

The one that stood out most to me in Todd's video was the claim about Nazi body standards which is a whole mess in general that Todd goes into for a while, but the way he talks about WWII soldiers was just like...weird. Besides the fact that a lot of his claims about Nazis seem to be bordering on glorifying them and their aesthetics (gross), I think we should remember that WWII was less than a century ago. There are still over 100,000 surviving WWII vets in the US. My grandfather who was in the Army during WWII (he didn't serve overseas but he was an enlisted soldier I can literally look up his enlistment records in the national archives online) was a real person who I obviously knew personally and who died fairly recently. To think he enlisted because he was jealous of German fitness or whatever and wanted to prove how tough Americans are is an absolutely hilarious thing to think if you knew him. I'm sure there are as many reasons for enlisting as there were enlisted soldiers. When James talks about even as relatively narrow of a group as "WWII American soldiers," he's still talking about a very large group of real and diverse people and to make such broad claims that "most" or even "a lot" of them were just so taken in by strong german physiques or whatever is frankly insulting. I haven't watched the entirety of James video so maybe he does address this at some point, but from the clips I've seen it seems very generalized and implies some level of racism when WWII soldiers in fact included a lot of racially diverse people. IDK, i think if you're a supposed historical researcher and you're making a video about WWII and you don't know about groups like the Tuskegee Airmen or the Navajo Code Talkers, that's on you. I don't want to discount some of the really horrible shit that American (and obviously other countries) soldier's did in the war and how many of them held disgusting views (even my grandpa who I love dearly was not the most politically correct person to put it lightly) but Jame's claims are not criticizing any real ideology or the consequences of them, they're oversimplifying complex and harmful historical ideas and attributing them to something he pretty much made up. I'll also give you a little hint about something. When people fall into Nazi ideology, it's because they ultimately agree with the ideology, not for some surface level aesthetic reason of "fitness" or whatever. They are antisemitic, they are racist, they are eugenicists, plain and simple. They don't just think the Nazis are cool except for all their beliefs. I also think (and again I could be missing a part of the video here) the hyper focus on the Germans and the Soviets and not mentioning Italy is at the very least an oversight too. Mussolini, like Hitler and Stalin, had a pretty big campaign of promoting an ideal strong race which he tied to ancient Romans. Like this was also a country controlled by a fascist dictator that American soldiers fought in idk it just seems weird to me to leave it out. (okay edit i looked up the transcript and he does talk about Italian fascism a little bit but only about how Mussolini rose to power, nothing about his ideologies or anything really related to the main topic of body image).

And one more thing on that note that bothered me a lot. I think his claims about HIV/AIDS is probably the most well-known here on tumblr and has been pretty thoroughly destroyed by this point, but I do just want to say one more thing about it which is that AIDS isn't gone! I feel like they way he talks about it from what I've seen of this video makes HIV/AIDS sound like a problem of the past now that we have drugs for it, but that is just not the truth. There are still tens of thousands of new infections in the US each year and way more globally and yes, people do still die from it. I just don't like when people talk about AIDS as if it's this problem of the distant past, a separate era that people went through in the 80s rather than an ongoing epidemic that still does not have a cure. Safer sex, clean needle usage, and getting tested are just as important now as they were in the 80s and 90s and don't forget that.

#hbomberguy #todd in the shadows #james somerton #youtube

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salbei-141 · 1 year

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Rescue Mission (Johnny 'Soap' MacTavish x Reader)

Masterlist

word count: 6.1k...i can't write a 3k essay but I can do this

warnings: 18+ mild smut, fluff, a lot of violence, self-doubt, graphic stuff etc. (forgive me if I've forgotten anything)

a/n: Wow am I entering my writing era again? I haven't written any sort of fanfic since I was like in my early teens, and I'm sure you can imagine how bad it was then, so I'd like to think this is better, but that's up to y'all to dictate. I do hope you all enjoy it, and as much as I desperately wanted to write for Ghost (which maybe I will in the future) I wanted to do something for Soap, he deserves love too, and there's not enough.

I don't know if I'll make this a part 2, if enough of you want it then I'll see what I can do - I also don't know how much more I'll write - knowing me it'll be like once in a blue moon lol

Anyway, I've spent my time writing this instead of completing uni work, which I desperately need to finish, but anything to procrastinate. I'd really appreciate any and all feedback, so please let me know if I can improve and if y'all wanna see anything specific in the future.

(I've gone over and edited it, so hopefully there's no mistakes)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With an intruding knock on your door followed by Ghost’s command of “Smoke get your ass up, Price wants you in his office in 10.” You were left to get ready in a rush with no negotiations.

Walking into the bathroom all you can focus on is the redness around your eyes followed by some bags to bring the look together, and the faded scar under your left eye as a reminder of past fights. You find yourself rarely getting any sleep these days - between random calls for missions and the ongoing night terrors, there’s little to no time for rest. You tend to wonder how much longer your body will be able to handle before it gives into exhaustion and you hit the ground - probably with Ghost at your heels telling you to get the fuck up before he drags you up himself. It really wouldn’t be a surprise if he did that to you, you thought to yourself with a small smirk gracing your face.

With several minutes to spare you throw some water on your face, flinching at the temperature - not quite awake enough to readily process things - patting your face dry and smoking your eyes out with some black paint you're closer to being ready to leave. You find yourself thinking back on a memory where Lt argued you had stolen his look of the blacked-out eyes and anonymity, but you begged to differ, plus you teased you looked better than the big man anyway, which had made him quietly huff.

Finishing up in the bathroom you slipped the plain black balaclava over your head, weary of the healing cut that laid as a reminder of the last mission on your cheek. In some fresh undergarments and black uniform you find yourself robotically walking out the room and down the hall to Price - there’s little thought in your actions anymore, everything’s just an automatic response, and there’s no need to think.

With a deep breath, you knock on the door, “Captain.”

“Come in Smoke.” Price said with a gruffness to his tone - he's not quite a morning person himself despite how long he'd been in the military.

Walking into the room, there’s a thick layer of tension that feels suffocating - your not sure what he’s going to ask of you, but you're on edge, he looks nervous, and Price is never unnecessarily nervous.

“Please sit Smoke.” And he averted his gaze on your eyes to look back down at his desk - it was definitely nerves, he didn't quite have Ghost's staring issues, but he always stared you down when you were walking into the office.

“Yes, Captain.” Without much else to say, you took your place on the dingy chair in front of his desk.

“Did Ghost tell you anything?” He made eye contact then, not averting it like before.

“…no, he didn’t. Just said to meet you in 10.” You felt your brows furrowing slightly at his question - should Ghost have said anything? You would've liked a pre-warning from the guy seeing Price's nerves shining through.

“Well, we’ve got a mission come up for you. It’s solo.” He states staring directly into your eyes, he knew you weren't going to be okay with this arrangement, so why the fuck had he decided on this.

“And you can’t have Ghost complete it?” There was a growing edge of anger to your tone, you didn’t want this, and you were getting progressively defensive.

“He’s aiding Laswell in a separate mission. You can’t hide forever y/n - it’s been a year now, and you’ve had more than enough time only participating in group missions…I wouldn’t make you do this if I doubted you.” There was sincerity in his tone, but you didn't want to believe him, you refused to.

“You didn’t doubt me a year ago and look how that went down, almost got the whole team's data exposed and ended up near enough getting Johnny killed while his ass was dumb enough to accept a rescue mission to save me.” Your hands were starting to shake underneath the table, and you could feel your heart rate starting to beat faster at the memories of Johnny coming to save you. “Look Price I’m not the fucking one, you got enough men on this base better than me and-“

“It’s MacTavish Smoke, and no I don't", you felt your stomach drop and the thoughts started running wild through your head. "Soap lost contact with us 2 days ago and we’ve received intel that a new terrorist organisation in the Middle East have taken him hostage. I’m not going to tell you again Sergeant - your mission is to save Seargent MacTavish and you’ll do it without fail. Do you understand?” He was giving no room for you to back out of this, there was no way to. You couldn't leave Johnny, but you also didn't feel capable after screwing up your last solo mission.

The tension had snapped after his confession, but was replaced with trepidation - it was all up in the air now, but you still felt like you were suffocating. Johnny was supposed to be on an in-and-out mission, nothing too difficult - he was supposed to be done tomorrow, what the fuck had happened?

Swallowing, you asked for the necessary intel, and Price started to brief you on the mission. You were to head to Yemen, following coordinates that Price would send to you once you were in the country. From here you were alone - it was a high-risk operation and they didn't want to risk losing more soldiers than was needed - Price knew you were capable of completing this alone, even if you didn't.

~~~Time skip~~~

Now in the heli you were about an hour away from the house Soap was situated in - you had, had time on the aeroplane to figure out a basic plan and between the anxiety of what Soap was currently enduring and the desperation to succeed you knew what you were going to do.

Price's intel suggsted there were about 50 men minimum around this base at all times - but tonight there was some sort of event, and there were going to be about half that, which made things easier, but you knew it meant they'd be on higher alert; especially when they have a member of the 141. About 5 men would be at the entrance to this home give or take; another few men would be around the back of the house; give or take there would about 6 men patrolling the ground and first floors; then that left probably 3 men with Johnny and some stragglers patrolling the ground of the place, but there was no guarantee this was even close to the layout in reality. What you did know though was that there was a blind spot around the east side of the house where there was a small hatch to the basement of the place - this was your only safe way in and depending on how things went, it'd also be your safe way out.

"Seargent y/l/n, we're here, you ready?" you heard a static voice come through the headset from the pilot.

"As ready as one could be I guess.", you all but muttered into the mic.

And with a count down you were sliding down the rope and landed heavily onto the ground - it was dry land, which meant it'd be easier to cover tracks if necessary, but it also meant there were fewer ways in which you could hide yourself and Soap wouldn't be in the best of conditions for this, assuming he was alive.

Hiking to the house, you were half expecting someone to take you down on the spot with every step you took, but with each step, you got closer to where you had to be, but you still couldn't allow yourself to take a relaxed breath of air.

After about a 40-minute walk, you found yourself on the edge of the compound if you could call it that. You were in the middle of nowhere and already knew you needed to do this quietly - running away was going to be difficult with the sheer amount of open land, but there were a few valleys into the back of the compound, which you were sure you'd be able to escape and camp up in, assuming there were caves within them.

You noticed there were a group of men at the front - maybe about 11..something wasn't right, but you had no clue what was going on yet. There were 2 guys covering the back of the place and no one on the east side - at least it was a blind spot for sure. Without another thought, you went from your prone position to stalking toward the hatch, which would hopefully lead to Soap.

Putting an ear to the small hatch, you listened for what was beneath, and so far there was only silence - hopefully, it stayed that way. With that, you lifted the hatch carefully, making little noise, and peered in, seeing steps leading down - it was dark though - had they been depriving Soap of all his senses hoping he'd go mad enough to confess or something?

Without little insight into what was beneath you, you had no real way to plan how you'd go about this, but what you did know was there were more men outside than you'd planned for, which gave you a little less anxiety. Creeping down the stairs, you turned your night vision on and took a moment to look around. Where the fuck was Johhny? All you could see were damp cobble walls and dirt. Walking to the bottom of the stairs you pulled a suppressed pistol out and a knife and stalked the room looking for another door.

Suddenly a door above you opened - there was another set of stairs and light seeped through before it closed again, welcoming the darkness once again. With the night vision still active you could see one of the men walking down the stairs with what looked like an AK-47 - that made it a lot easier for you to take him out from behind, it would take too long for him to adjust and fire. Watching him reach the bottom of the stairs, you stalked closer to his figure and just before he could flip the switch on the wall, you pulled your knife and plunged it into his neck, covering his mouth and slowly lowering his writhing body to the floor - making sure to make as little noise possible.

Moving the guys body to an empty corner of the room you remained silent and listened for anything else above - no sound. You assumed he was to take watch of Soap - hoping he was behind a door you noticed was under the stairs this guy had come down. There was again no light seeping underneath; either he was elsewhere or they were indeed depriving him of his sense, but you had no idea if there were any men in there. Putting your ear to the door all you could make out were some shallow breaths - it had to Johnny.

Pushing the door forward, you cringed hearing it squeak on his hinges. If someone was in here, then they knew you were too, and with no precautionary thoughts, you walked into the room, scanning it with your gun aimed and knife up.

There he was. You felt tears prick at your eyes, his body had stiffened and his breathing had picked up - Johnny wasn't ever usually this scared, what had they done to him?

Turning to your left you flipped a switch and closed the door behind you, putting a chair underneath in case anyone tried to walk in before you could prepare.

Walking to Johnny you placed a gentle hand pulling up the cloth bag they'd placed over his head - the small flinch hadn't gone unnoticed by your gaze. Letting him adjust to the light, you placed a gentle hand on his jaw, examining the cuts littering his face - you doubt they'd scar, but you were guessing the real pain was done to his body - you could see the crimson that was dried to his clothes - he looked like a mess, you had to get the both of you out of here and straight to a medic, you couldn't bare this for much more.

Of all the years you'd known Johnny, you'd always denied how you felt about him - he was a friend, a coworker, and there was a fine line you refused to cross, you didn't want to lose him nor your team. But seeing him like this, seeing him so broken - noticing his pained stare holding onto your eyes, you knew you couldn't deny what you felt anymore. There was no way you could deny that the pain in your chest wasn't due to the man you refused to accept your feelings for.

"Smoke? That you?" Soap all but managed to mumble out - his eye was bruised up and there was some mild swelling - nothing that concerned you too much, but you could imagine he was having a hard time properly focusing on you.

"Yeah, it's me Johnny. You're alright now, yeah." you said it more to convince yourself than him, but you had to start making moves, as much as you wanted to hold him in your arms and soothe whatever was going through his head, you had to get him out of here before they sent more of them down here, you knew you were counting down mere minutes before they would come.

"Johnny I'm going to cut you out and give you a stim, then we're going - we'll find somewhere to hold up for a bit then I'll call for evac." you were rushed in your movements, still careful with him to not hurt him any more than what he was.

With his hands now free, he brought them to his sides and tried to loosen his arms up a bit from where they had been stiff behind his back. Coming to his front, you gave him a stim and he became more aware of what was happening.

Standing tall, you held his sides, noticing his lack of balance. He sucked a breath in when he felt your hands come up on his sides - you were so gentle, he'd only felt calloused hands pressing into his body over the course of the past few days, and it felt comforting to have you holding him with such care.

With one last look up into his eyes, you told him to follow behind - just to trust you. He never doubted you for a second, the moment he'd known it was you who was sent to rescue him, he knew you'd get the both of them to safety - he admired your skill on the field, even if you didn't possess the same ability to believe you could succeed this.

Moving the chair from the door you flipped the switch, feeling one of Soap's hands come up to your shoulder - he didn't want to admit it to himself, but he knew this was going to take a toll on his mental state.

Opening the door, you took a deep breath and moved forward with Soap at your heel. Crouching back in front of the guy you'd taken out, you took his gun, and gave it to Soap behind you, which he gladly took - feeling more confident now he could aid you.

Heading up the stairs to the hatch, you both suddenly went stiff hearing the door open. Without much thought to pushed Soap further up the stairs whispering for him to leave and run into a valley - you'd be right behind him. His eyes remained on yours - he looked worried, he didn't want to leave you - he'd never forgive himself if you were hurt because he ran. With another push, he lifted the hatch - he trusted you, he had too.

Aiming the pistol you hit the first guy directly in the head, knocking him cold. He fell to the floor with a thud and before you could get a solid aim on the second guy, he shouted something in Arabic and suddenly you could hear chaos starting to ensue upstairs - all you could think was how the fuck you were going to do this now. Shooting the guy in the leg, he fell to the floor with a pained scream and you rushed out the hatch hearing several men shouting at each other. You could see Soap at an edge of a valley - it wasn't a far run, you could make this you were sure.

Without a second thought, you took off for the valley edge where you could see Soap prone aiming his gun. Suddenly bullets started to litter the ground around you and Soap could only do so much to fire back before they'd eventually get him to. Pulling the infamous smoke grenades from your belt you pulled the pin in one throwing it behind you and another one you threw in Soaps direction. With bullets still firing at nothing, you pushed your legs as fast as they'd go, and just as you got to where Soap was now stood, you felt a searing pain travel up your left arm.

"Fuck! Soap I've been hit" you gritted between clenched teeth, "carry on running, we need to find somewhere to bunker down for the next few hours while tensions calm".

Nodding his head in your direction, Soap continued forth with you in tow - you could both hear the men shouting from behind - they were gaining, but you were still ahead enough to hide. Feeling a hand grip your right arm, you were pulled into Soap's side in a crack big enough for the two of you. You could feel the beating of his heart and for a minute you felt yourself relax and just as you did the adrenaline started to wear off, and your arm was throbbing in pain.

Looking over Soap, he seemed to be okay - the stim hadn't worn off yet, and you still had another one for when it did.

Leaning his head down, you felt your heart pause - you felt yourself staring at his lips, wondering how they would feel pressed against your own, thinking that it'd be enough to distract you from the current pain you felt. You felt your hands running up his torso to lay on his chest, feeling his heart beat even faster if that was possible. He was warm despite the nipping breeze. Preparing to move your hand to his neck, Soap bent closer to your ear whispering for you to follow him. You felt stupid - of course, he wasn't about to kiss you in the middle of a mission, let alone ever - you had selfishly been misinterpreting his body's response as something else - he was hurt and tensions were high - you were stupid to think it had been anything to do with you. With that you dropped your arms back to your sides, flinching as you lower your right arm, and followed Soap deeper into this crack, seeing it led into a small cave - it was still cramped, but you'd live.

As you were about to open your mouth to speak, Soap placed his hand over it - silencing you from making any sound, clenching your thighs, you found yourself keening into his touch before coming back to your sense when you heard footsteps and Arabic being shared between people. Suddenly things got very real again and you felt Soap's over arm come across your waist and pull you into him - the both of you needed some sort of comfort right now, and the both of you relished in each other's warmth.

With quiet shallow breaths, the men passed by and you relaxed against Soap's chest. You felt safe with him behind you, you had been so anxious completing this mission that you felt back in your comfort zone being with Soap.

"Think we're okay now hen?" That stupid pet name he used had you smiling underneath the mask, you secretly loved how he only said it to you, but would always pretend it bothered you, which only made him tease you more.

With a staggered breath you turned to face him - you didn't realise how close you were, your noses almost touching but you didn't make the effort to move. "I think we're okay Johnny, for now at least, we'll wait a couple hours then I call for evac".

"How're you feeling?" you asked tentatively placing a hand under his cheek where there was a cut, careful not to press too hard - you never wanted to cause him pain.

Feeling bolder than usual, Soap placed a hand over yours that held his cheek - you felt your heart rate pick up, feeling his calloused skin run over your gloved hand and onto your wrist where your skin was exposed. He could feel the fast pulse within your wrist and wanted to ignore the dull ache in his body, noticing that the stim was starting to wear off. He stared into your open eyes, looking at him so full of admiration, and all he wanted to do was press his lips to yours in a searing kiss - so selfishly he wanted to distract himself with you. He'd seen you with your mask off once and the image was burned into his mind - he spent countless nights led in bed remembering how full your lips looked; how smooth your skin was - with a faded scar beneath your left eye; the way your hair perfectly parted down the middle with bangs that perfectly framed your face, and hair stopping at your shoulders; with a jaw so perfectly carved he wanted nothing more than to bury his face in the crook of your neck and place gentle kisses upon your jaw, trailing down to your neck - you were perfection to him, pure perfection and all those nights he'd relish in that memory thinking about your beauty, or fisting his hard cock - precum dripping from his tip as he imagined those full lips taking him in while he praised you from above as your doe eyes stayed locked on his.

Taking a sudden breath in as you felt the pain back in your arm, Soap was pulled from his thoughts with worry plastered over his face, "Oh yeah, I'm okay hen, the pain's starting to come back, but let's get you fixed up."

Even though he'd been through a torturous hell the last few days, your wellbeing was somehow on the forefront of his mind, it made your heart flutter unexpectantly. You couldn't allow him to sort you out first, you'd live, you'd been through much worse, but right now his wounds needed cleaning.

"No Soap, I need to clean your wounds before an infection starts to fester. Then we can attend to whatever I've got, but I'll live." He gave you a narrowed look, but the look you sent back made him remain silenced, you weren't going to let him help you.

Without much more talking you pulled your first aid kit from your back and asked him to remove his shirt. With a smirk he all but obliged and you rolled your eyes - Soap was still Soap. You noticed him struggling and helped him pull his gear over his head, placing it down next to him.

Staring at his body, all you wanted to do was admire him - despite all the marks that littered his torso, you thought he was the most beautiful man you had laid your eyes on. You saw his body stiffen and noticed the look of insecurity in his eyes, making you your face fall in sorrow - you didn't want him to feel like this, he didn't deserve to. Tracing his abs and some scars, you asked where it hurt most and he just let out a chuckle, "Everywhere hen, I couldn't tell you where to start".

Pulling the remaining stim out, you gave it to him and it again started to rapidly kick in. You took some disinfectant on a cloth and started to clean his wounds as he hissed in pain, letting small whimpers slip past his lips - you were doing everything not to clench your thighs right now, he was in pain, but the sounds coming from him were making you delirious - you'd be mad if you were to never make a move on this man - you'd dreamed of pulling those sounds from his mouth.

Feeling his hand grip your arm, you were pulled back to reality and continued cleaning him, whispering your apologies each time he'd grip your arm a bit tighter when it'd get too much for him to deal with. You wanted to press your lips to each wound and hope it'd cure his pain, you could see they had done a number on him, but luckily none of the wounds were too deep. You felt his ribs, seeing his skin was patched in a mix of purple and blue bruises - you could count 2 of them were broke, but a medic would have to confirm this. Placing gauze on his wound, you then wrapped his middle and placed your hand back on his chest - staring into his eyes.

"That any better Johnny?" you asked doe eyed, worry on your face that you hadn't done a good enough job.

"I dunno hen maybe a kiss would make me feel better." You felt yourself blush, you couldn't believe he was flirting with you out here, but maybe you actually had read the signs correctly earlier, maybe you weren't so stupid. Leaning down you pressed a lingering kiss to his head through the mask.

"Better now Johnny?" you asked, a smile forming on your face.

"A bit hen, just a bit" There was a pout on his face, you knew he wanted more, but you were on a mission and didn't want to risk your chances compromising it - you needed him to make it to the evac.

With a last stroke of his chest, you pulled back and helped him dress into his gear again. Turning away from the man you took a deep breath, you needed to get your head completely back into this misson.

"y/n?" you hummed back in response to him, "let me help you fix your arm up yeah?" You'd forgotten about the dull ache in your left arm and turned back to him with your medkit in hand.

In silence he gently took your arm into his own hands, you were only skimmed by the bullet luckily. He wet a new cloth in disinfectant and wiped over your wound, weary of your flinches, feeling guilty about the pain you were in. Wrapping your arm he ran his own hand up your arm placing it on the back of your neck, giving you reassuring strokes as you closed your eyes and leaned into his touch.

"You know I'm glad it's you that came Smoke" he admitted.

"Yeah?" you questioned back.

"Yeah." he confirmed staring sincerely into your eyes.

"You know I didn't originally want to come here Johnny. Price didn't give me much choice, to begin with, but when I found out it was you, I couldn't say no." you were building up a confession to him, hoping he'd read between the lines - you didn't want to admit to him directly how you felt, just in case you were wrong, you were full of doubt, suddenly becoming self-conscious under his gaze, "I was scared I was going to fuck it up like I fucked my last solo mission. I've been so scared I was going to get you killed this time, I still haven't forgiven myself for the rescue mission, you shouldn't have been the one to fix my failure Johnny, and this time I..." you felt yourself choking up, you didn't realise how deeply you really felt about things and found yourself pulling away, embarrassed at your confession.

Johnny could see how genuine you were being and it made his heart clench that you felt this way - he had been the first one to volunteer to go on the rescue mission - it was supposed to be Ghost's mission, but he convinced Price to let him go on it. He knows how scary of a day it was and how close to death you both were, but he'd do it again if it meant you were the last person he was with.

Pulling you back into him before you could pull yourself away too far, he brought your head to his chest carefully, making sure you weren't putting too much pressure on his torso. You were holding back your tears, you didn't want to break in front of him, but it was hard, a few escaped as his hand came up to cup the back of your head and stroke your hair gently. Without another word, Soap placed both hands on your masked cheeks and pulled you eye level to him, wiping the few tears that fell from your eyes with his thumbs. He didn't want to cross a line, and placed a tentative peck on your masked lips, watching as your eyes flutter closed. You couldn't believe it, without another thought you pulled your mask up, revealing your lips and nose, not feeling secure enough to completely remove it. Taking his chances, Soap placed his lips back onto your own, relishing in the feeling of the both of your lips moving in sync with each other. You felt in over your own head, keening into his body as the speed picked up between the both of you - small breaths getting caught between each other's lips. Soap moved his hand down to your neck, caressing the skin as he passed, and rested on your right breast, caressing it through your uniform. As his palming got needier, you let out a small moan, urging him to move from your lips to your jaw, placing gentle kisses before he nipped at your neck, being sure to leave small marks behind - he was marking you, and you had no issue with it, you'd let him mark your whole body in small love bites if he wanted to. With the both of your breaths picking up, and each other's hands getting needier for one another as a wetness started to pool between your thighs, making you clench them together - not going unnoticed by Soap who gave a deep chuckle at your desperation - a sudden dull shrill was sounded, echoing in the cave.

"Oh come on hen, do we really need evac yet?" you chuckled, pulling you mask back down and gave him a stern look.

"I'm sorry, but I think it's in both of our interests to call for evac - we both need medical attention; you more so, and we can always carry this on back at base hm" You stroked his pouting face, noticing the hardness in his jeans - you felt bad, but you knew you couldn't give into your own desires.

With one last huff from Soap, and a laugh from you, you called evac, and found they were about 40 minutes out. You'd probably been hold up in the small cave for a couple of hours and were sure it'd be safe to continue down the valley.

Pulling yourself up, and helping Soap to his feet, he gave you one last peck on your head, before you took lead, making sure it was safe to walk down the valley before pulling Soap alongside you.

In a comfortable silence, the both of you spent the next 30 minutes walking to the evac location, with no issue, apart from Soap almost tripping on a rock, which had you holding your laughter as he glared from your side.

The evac was close by - you could hear it. Soap pulled you from your thoughts staring into your eyes, "when we get back, we're not going to just forget this right?" you saw the vulnerability in his eyes and it made your heart ache.

"Johnny...no I- I would never do that to you, god no. I didn't go through all of this just to pull your leg and get back to base and ignore you like nothing had happened. I love you Johnny. I love you. I really do and I'm sorry it took me this long, I really am, I've been in denial for so long, just scared, but I'm ready and -"

"I love you too y/n, so fucking much" you could see his eyes well up at your confession, "I'm sorry it took me this long too, I think about that rescue mission a year ago all too much and find myself regretting every passing second where I didn't admit how much I cared about you, and while I was down there getting beat, all I could think about was how I potentially wasn't going to see you again."

You placed a hand on his cheek, bringing your heads together gently, "Johnny, I'd never let you die, never. I'd risk it all for you. We'll head back to base, get cleaned up, then we'll discuss things more okay? But I'm not letting you go - not now, not ever" and with that he placed a final kiss to your head just as the evac came into view.

Holding onto Soap, you helped him onto the evac as it landed - you knew he was perfectly capable, but you wanted to be close to him - it was an excuse.

~~~Time skip~~~

Back in England, you were both at the base - you having been treated by the medic quickly, and Soap having to stay for probably the next few days.

The nurse had relayed Price wanted you in his office for a debrief - you wanted to check in with Soap desperately but knew he was in safe hands, so you made your way to Price.

With a knock on the door you walked in without waiting for a response - you were so exhausted you didn't think.

"Yes, Seargent y/l/n, please come in, don't wait for me," Price said with a sarcastic tone to his voice. You laughed and gave a small apology to which Price gave a small smile to you in return.

"I told you, you'd do it" That bastard you thought, he was wearing a cocky smile on his face, and giving you a sympathetic stare at the same time. "Smoke, I put you on the mission for a reason - we've all seen the way you look at Johnny, we knew you'd get him out alive." They knew this whole time how you felt, were you really that obvious.

All you could do was respond with a quiet "oh" embarrassed at the fact the whole task force was able to read to you so clearly and had done for so long.

"Smoke. Work relations bring a lot of issues," you tried to interrupt, you didn't want to lose your only chance of happiness and contentment, but Price silenced you before you could get anything out, "hold on Smoke. While typically it can cause issues, I've pulled some strings for you and Soap, and you can both remain on the task force, while having relations if that's what you both want - you just need to keep your love lives separate from your work lives when your out on the field, okay?"

You instantly agreed, of course you and Soap could do that - neither of you would ever want to jeopardise your jobs, so you shook on the agreement to not let each other interfere with your jobs - you could be coworkers and lovers. With a goodbye, Price excused you and you were back at Soap's side who was sleeping peacefully - you knew he needed it after everything he'd been put through.

Sitting in the chair placed next to his bed, you took a hold of his hand, kissing the top of it before you too fell victim to exhaustion, closing your eyes, holding the hand of the man you loved.

#soap x reader #cod x reader #modern warfare 2 #smut #john soap mactavish #price mw2 #captain price #simon ghost riley #fluff #x reader #task force 141 #x female reader #johnny soap mactavish #fem reader #love confession #modern warfare 2 x reader #john mactavish x reader #john mactavish

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the-final-sif · 5 months

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(Screenshot anon)

ok so that might've been a classic move for an alpha in like 2003 but times have changed and literally no alpha acts like that nowadays. even if he WAS trying to court Dream he wouldn't have done in a video like that - his reputation is entirely at stake.

taking care of someone when they're sick literally isn't posessive though???? Like ok Jimmy's head alpha of the pack and has to kind of fight to assert dominance because al of them (except Nolan) are also alphas but that has nothing to do with Dream??? if anything he was being a good friend and taking care of someone who was sick. they shared a tent so he could keep an eye on him. that's literally just normal friend behavior - he probably discussed it with SNF earlier and had Karl hang with them so they could enjoy antarctica without having to constantly take care of Dream.

He's literally just doing regular pack leader behavior - and he appears to be really good at it - taking care of a sick member, making sure everyone's not freaking out because a member of the pack is sick, keeping an eye on everything. Dude sucks sometimes but at least he's a good alpha.

As SC Anon (sorry, are we good to use nicknames ?) said, the video was HEAVILY edited. Like, we see Dream and Mr Beast going in for a hug when they get back from the moutain but it cuts ; Nolan sleeping in between the two so that the proper space and third party rule is respected (and like. SC anon said it themselves, Nolan is the only non alpha aka the only one not "threatening" ?? I don't think that is a coincidence) ; at the start of the video they're always next to each others ; that comment Dream makes about knowing MrBeast is pantless ?? Like how ?. We could even see in Dream's longer version (bless its soul) how close the two were originaly. There were definitely some moves made. And I'm pretty sure it's intentionnal Karl was so much with Sapnap and George, to distract them from their newly reunited pack mate. Also I disagree with the "terrible public move" bc nothing untoward happened, Mr Beast was a gentleman on all regards. But 1) he made it clear to Dream in survival conditions he was reliable and a good option 2) he showed it to the world ? Like call that neon flash of "Omega gets sick in Antartica, I manage to keep them perfectly healthy", that was a good boost for his reputation as a carer (not that should matter for alphas, and it pushes bad stereotypes, but that's how traditionnal - and they represent à good part of Mr Beast's audience - saw it). So it was a win for him on every point

And it appears a third anon has entered the fray,

(I'm third completely unrelated anon in the MrBeast saga) FUCK THE BEAST, OKAY. Look we all cringed and laughed about that freak over here who posted the Dream clone switcharoo bullshit in the main tags but now I'm seeing that shit from another angle! How the fuck else would you explain him switching secondary genders that fast?! That shit takes time, no meds or surgery is that good already. Beast did something I'm 100% sure of it, he already dabled in curing the blind, what if he asked Dream to test out a new drug or procedure? I wouldn't put it past him to use guilt tripping tactics, he just went oh please please do it for the poor people that can't have the way more complicated and way more expensive procedures done and Dream agreed. The beast having drolo moments, him staying close to Dream during Antarctica, him talking to George during the football charity match???? That shit confirms it. Motherfucker was keeping tabs on the process and how Dream was reacting to the change, if there were any side effects or complications. He wasn't seducing a sick omega or being a leading alpha or trying to find a partner, he was looking out for his bottom line! And some of you might try to refute it because its been a century since the omega testing facilities have been abolished but guess what, Omegan Healthcare Regulations, Section 14 Subsection 8 clearly states that its LEGAL to use omegas for testing specific substances and or procedures if the omega gives informed consent before any substances or procedures are administered. Even if the Beast got caught, and he will because Dream's immune system is weak as shit and will reject whatever the fuck was done to him pretty soon, he would still get no legal backlash because Dream the idiot would for sure back him up in saying it was fully consensual and that he was informed on all sides and still took the risk. This is a lose-lose situation and I fucking hate it so much!

#sif answers #Anonymous #omegaverse #sif speaks #dreamwastaken #dream team #Mr. Beast #Mr Beast

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good-beanswrites · 3 months

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Some questions about LCSYS?

What do they do about hair growth? I'd think hair extensions, but Amane's bangs are really short in her MVs and go past her face in T2, so it seems like it'd be too noticeable?. And Kazui is clean-shaven at the beginning of Cat. Did he record that part shortly after Es went to sleep?

And what about self duplicates? I suppose most of them can get away with camera tricks, but Yuno gets up close and personal with her selves. Amane also has a ton of them that stand close together and move very distinctly.

Ooh, these are really interesting to think about, thank you! >:0 It made me finally look up the length of the canon hiatus (Mar 16 to Aug 3), exactly 20 weeks. The internet says shooting a music video usually only takes like three days to film and a few weeks of editing -- so I think it's doable to plan and film them simultaneously in that time.

I pictured they’d plan the videos immediately upon finishing the trial, to keep the feeling of immersion and all related emotions fresh, but also give them plenty of time to do some more challenging things. This may mean planning trips to certain locations, inviting/persuading certain people to come film, or dealing with hair growth. Kazui does his clean-shaven filming first (since Hinako was already there in Half, it was easy to plan for her to return quickly. Jackalope may have had that worked out before the trial even ended.) Amane is a bit trickier, but I wonder if the bangs themselves are additions 🤔 She wears additional short hair for the video and lets her hair keep growing underneath. She'll be able to grow just over two inches in those 20 weeks. (The thing is, comparing the art, I don’t know if that could’ve happened canonically in that time frame anyways 😅 So I’m allowed to stretch it a bit in the au…)

Now, I was originally thinking they only used camera tricks for any duplicate appearances. Haruka gets a younger stunt double. Fuuta, Shidou, and Mikoto can get by filming the scenes twice in different positions. Yuno has to do a bit with a physical double (seen from behind or used minor effects to make them identical). But now that I think more about it, there was a behind-the-scenes video I saw about the Matrix clones -- despite the mask thing being kinda creepy, I think it’d be incredibly sweet to have that many children on the set. They don’t have to do the full mask process, maybe they all wear wigs/makeup that make them match well enough to show up in the background. Either way, Amane goes from one of the loneliest T1 videos to having a hundred little girls stand around her, march with her, and fight for her <3 If the planning stage of Purge March wasn’t already making her second guess her upbringing, having a literal army of girls just like her hanging out for a few days definitely does.

And woo stay tuned for the Deep Cover section coming soon! 🐺

#milgram #thank you so much!! these were real fun to work out #i forgot kazui also changed his hair a bit #im just going to say that amanes hair had grown out by the end of t1 that we didnt get to see - making it possible to grow that long in tim #im hesitant to include that about purge march since i wanted to keep the prison isolation as real as possible....#......but also??? how can i pass that up???#its what she deserves!! and what an incredible scene it would be!!! ahh!!#harukas worst nightmare tho... 💀💀💀#i have the base of deep cover down but its very 'they would not fucking say that' right now 😅 so itll be ready soon #amane momose #kazui mukuhara #lights camera sing your sins

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ghostthostt · 3 months

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Hiiii hello hi please tell me everything about Foxtrot and also that I love him (and telling you how his design is amazing!!!) What role on teams does he usually fill? Favorite foods? If he could keep one enemy as a pet no consequence what would it be?

hi !! thank you so much <33

ill put it under the cut bc its gonna be a lot i think

Foxtrot, aka FOXTROT-152, was a combat medic before joining the company. he specializes in medical treatment, and knows how to treat wounds, small or great, on the fly .. thats how hes survived this long out on Titan

hes extremely cautious, but kind, prioritizing the crew over himself at all times. he will give his rations, his supplies, his care, everything to the crew before taking care of himself. he is extremely selfless... its both a positive trait and a flaw of his

his reason for being brought to the company was punishment. he made a mistake that costed the lives of many people, and because of it, he was sent to the company as punishment. he was given amnestics and forced to forget everything about himself and his past except for his issued ID, FOXTROT-152. he was told what his job was, what he was expected to do, and well. he had no choice but to do it. so he did

eventually, though, he started to catch on to what the company was and what they were doing. he grew paranoid, scared of what they would do if they found out he knew... he spent every day anxious and tense, afraid of every radio transmission, every message, every ship that passed them .. scared of everything. that it was the company finally coming for him.

and one day, they finally did. they came for him ... separated him from his crew, administered more amnestics, and forced him to do a solo mission. it was meant to kill him. and it almost did

the landing alone almost killed him ... his ship was sabotaged and the landing was... messy, to say the least. he survived, though with a heavily broken arm. his forearm was shattered and his wrist was fractured, rendering the arm useless... all he could do was set it and hope for the best. he didnt realize what had happened at first, he thought it was a mistake on his part, and he kept sending out distress signals.. hoping for a rescue

but help never came, and he was left stranded on Titan for a loooong time. he soon realized what had happened to him and he just wandered... he was hoping to die without having to actually kill himself. he was too afraid to .

along the way, he picked up a sort of parasitic fungus that slowly began infecting him .. i forgot to include it in the drawing (ill edit the post in a bit) but basically it kept him alive but it used his body for its own survival in the process too. he tried very hard to get rid of it but just. couldnt. so he was left to wander the endless snow of Titan while this fungus slowly ate at him .. and hes been wandering ever since.

hes not quite alive anymore ... hes more dead than alive, sort of like a zombie, but hes still Kiiiindda in there.. somewhere. yeah :^)

as for your questions...

the role he filled was definitely a medic. he had everything you could need and took care of the crew very well.. he was very skilled in running in and dragging people away from danger, too. hes stronger than he looks for his size

his favorite foods... i think hed like something sweet, like strawberry and nutella sandwiches. something indulgent but sweet and simple :^)

and he would LOVE the spore lizards and snare fleas. hed think they were very very cute. he would definitely try to pet a lizard (and get bit in the process)

if you have any more questions feel free to ask again <333

#ghosttpostt #asks #oc:FOXTROT-152 #lethal company

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harlequin-hangout · 1 year

Text

For a Mortal Chapter 1

Series Master List | Loki Master List

Part 2 >

Pairing: Dom!Loki x f!Reader

Warnings: Self esteem problems, self deprecation, ⚠️abuse (past, not from Loki)⚠️, minor breaking and entering

Contains: Maybe angst, definitely a little fluff

Word Count: 3.2k

Dividers are made by me! Want some for yourself? Send me an ask!

I do not nor will I ever give permission for my writing to be copied, pasted, reposted to other sites, or edited in any way shape or form. Seriously, just don’t.

A/N: This was inspired by this ask by @michelleleewise. This is my first attempt at writing any kind of fan fiction, so please be kind. I’m hoping to get better, though inspiration doesn’t strike as often as I’d like. I may turn this into an ongoing series, I haven’t completely decided yet. I hope you all like it!!

“FUCK!!”

Your phone hits the bed and bounces to the floor. You threw it harder than you meant to. Sighing through your gritted teeth, you pick up the device. At least the screen wasn’t cracked, but your case had definitely busted when it hit the ground. You had just hung up a call with your boss. The company wasn’t bringing in cash flow, which meant for the second month in a row, you weren’t going to get paid. At least he had told you that you didn’t need to come into the office until there was money again. You take a deep breath and press the heels of your hands into your eyes, as if the pressure could stop the stress and the headache it was about to bring on.

“God, I don’t want to know how much I’m short,” you think to yourself as you pull the busted case off of your phone and open your banking app. A pit forms in your stomach as you realize your account is overdrawn by $56.41. Well . . . Ramen again tonight. It isn’t the healthiest, but anything is better than being hungry.

It’s been two weeks since your last conversation with anyone in the small startup company you work for. You can feel the exhaustion creeping in, trying to find freelance work while donating plasma just to make sure you can eat has taken its toll on you. Your phone vibrates in your pocket. The caller ID reads “Darren Albright”. Dammit. It’s your boss.

“Yeah, what’s up?” you answer, trying to not let your exhaustion show through in your voice.

“Hey, Y/N, we need to talk. You’ve barely done any work since the last time you were in the office. I feel like I’m just a paycheck to you, and I’m not okay with that. We talked when you came on board, I have decades of experience in production, but this company is still essentially a start-up and Rob and I both work for free, and it’s insulting that you don’t even try to come in to help out. I always go out of my way to help out friends, and I just thought you’d do the same. I’ve offered you gas money to come out here if you need it, we’re all in the same boat here. I’m broke too. I haven’t paid my mortgage for this month, so don’t tell me it isn’t possible.”

You don’t really process the rest of what Darren says as you stare at the wall in disbelief.

Not working . . . ? You’ve been working for free for over two months. The only difference is you’ve been working from home instead of from the office. You can’t help it if you live an hour away. Hell, it isn’t the same boat. Darren lives in the office, owns the company, and when you were in the office, you mostly saw him playing around on an art app while you worked. You knew you were signing on to a startup, but you’d been reassured that you’d be paid at least something. You mumbled apologies that you don’t really mean as you hang up the phone. First it was his now ex-girlfriend, Crystal, doxxing you online after harassing you for days on end because she somehow got it in her head that you and Darren were sleeping together. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Sure, Darren was tall, but he wasn’t your type at all. The bushy beard just didn’t do it for you. Your type was a bit more . . . sleek. Sleek, dark, put together . . . You sigh as you try to fight back your tears.

What the hell were you doing? Was this even worth it? You’d worked so hard to break into the world of production. You worked with all three of Darren’s companies, and had built the backend for two of them. You spent every day maintaining those backends, running admin, and doing literally anything he called and asked you for, including finding and making proposals for marketing clients, something you’d had to teach yourself just to be able to do the job. You lost your fight as tears start to run down your face. How could he say those things? You’d worked yourself mostly to death trying to make the situation work, and he thinks you’ve done nothing because you aren’t being paid? You choke back a sob, leave your apartment unlocked, and just run. You run towards the woods and don’t look back. Branches whip at your skin as you break off the narrow walking path, just wanting to be as far away from everything that’s been causing you to nearly break. Finally, coming to a clearing, you drop to your knees and wail at the top of your lungs. Sobs wrack your form as you let out all the emotion that’s been building over the last months. You don’t like being vulnerable around others, so this is the only safe place you know where you can let everything out.

“Why?? Why am I fucking killing myself for someone who obviously doesn’t give a fuck about me?? Why . . . why am I here? Why am I trying so hard? . . . Why did I think I could do this?” You choke, your self doubt taking control. In all honesty, you couldn’t answer those questions. You’d long since seen a point in continuing to follow your dream career, maybe it was just better to get a regular job. You knew you’d hate it, but at least you knew your bills would be paid.

As your sobs quieted, you wiped your tears on your sleeves and slowly made your way back to your apartment. Nightfall had long since passed. When did it get dark? It didn’t really matter, as the numb feeling across your whole body makes it hard to care about much of anything. Locking your front door, you pull off your now dirt-stained clothes and take a deep breath. You didn’t really remember getting back to the apartment, or much since you left. You just wanted this to be over. For the stress to be gone. And more than anything, for support. You look upwards, and for the first time in years, you pray.

“Please, whoever’s listening, I don’t care. Please. PLEASE give me some encouragement. I can’t keep doing this, and I don’t even know if my dreams are worth it anymore. Please . . . Just send me a sign that I shouldn’t give up . . .” You fall ungracefully onto the bed, not bothering to put on the pajamas that lay on your floor. As you fall into a deep sleep, you fail to hear the soft, almost magical hum that floats through the air and miss the soft touch that brushes your temples. A tall figure kneels next to your bed as you start to toss and turn as your mind turns to nightmares.”

You bold upwards in bed, cold sweat drenching your body. You could have sworn that you felt someone’s presence. . . You rub your bleary, sleep-filled eyes as you look at your phone. 3:47am . . . what the hell were you doing awake? You know one thing, though, once you’re up, you need to get something to drink before you can sleep again. You padded towards your kitchen, but an unfamiliar scent stops you dead in your tracks. What was that . . . Fir trees, sandalwood and . . . leather? You cautiously take the last couple steps and peek around the corner. An unlit candle that had definitely NOT been bought by you sat on your counter on top of an emerald green envelope with “Dear Y/N” scrawled on it in an elegant cursive hand. Turning it over in your hand, you break the gold colored wax seal that depicts two snakes intertwined. Where have you seen that before?

Dear Y/N,

I am sorry to hear that you are not receiving the support or recognition that you deserve. I have learned in my long life that sometimes the only ones we can rely on is ourselves, and if these people do not support you, they are not worthy of your greatness. My Dear, your dream, your passion is always worth your efforts. Do it for you, because it is what you desire and you will succeed, I have no doubt. You are a strong, independent, intelligent person . . . for a mortal. Never doubt yourself, My Dear. Should you ever find yourself in need of one who can see your worth, then just light this candle. I wish you all the best in your pursuits and remember . . . You can do whatever you set your mind to. Until we meet . . .

Loki

The name was elegantly scrolled, even if the word choice was a bit odd. The entire letter . . . Loki. Who was he? How did this get in your kitchen? Your windows had been painted shut by the complex, and you were relatively sure you had locked the door behind you when you came back inside . . . Not that it mattered. The numb feeling didn’t seem to want to leave. You couldn’t even bring yourself to care about your own personal safety. Maybe a shower would help you relax enough to sleep. After the letter, you couldn’t bring yourself to crawl back into bed. Still . . . You eye the candle, your hands mindlessly tracing the paper in your hands.

“Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to have someone . . . I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? My bathroom doesn’t have any windows. There’s no way anyone could see it,” you think to yourself as you grab the candle and head towards the bathroom.

The steam feels amazing on your skin already as you get the water near scalding in preparation for your shower. If you’re going to do this at 4am, you might as well do it right. You place your towels and bathrobe on the hook on the back of the bathroom door and glance at the candle. You still hadn’t really decided whether or not to light it. It was a deep green and scented like the forest that you ran into to escape the reality of life. That still didn’t account for the leather and sandalwood you’d smelled, though. Fuck it, at least if some random snuck into your bathroom, there was about a 50/50 chance that he’d just put you out of your misery. You flick your lighter and the familiar scent of pine fills the room. You sigh and step into the steam-filled stall, running your fingers through your hair.

“I really wish you wouldn’t think such things about yourself, Darling.”

You freeze as the deep voice fills the room. He spoke softly, almost as if he were your friend. You whip your head around to see a man in a black suit sitting on your toilet, directly across from the entrance to the shower. You almost want to scream but . . .

“I . . . Do I know you? I mean I know I’ve never met you, but I feel like . . . I mean . . .” You fumble your words. The man’s sudden appearance should have been the thing to catch you off guard, but it was . . . Him. His features were somehow soft, yet stern at the same time. The green of his eyes almost perfectly matched the candle and stationary. His jawline was regal, just like his posture. The suit was well fitted, and you could vaguely make out the tone of his arms. Not to mention, those LEGS. The look of gentle worry that graced his features . . . for some reason, it put you at ease.

Wait. The eyes. Could this be . . . “Loki?” Your voice is almost a whisper as you stand in the water’s heat, hands tucked gently against your chest. The man gave a soft smile, and what seemed like . . . Relief?

“Yes, My Dear. It’s me. I was worried you wouldn’t recognize me. I must say, I’m pleasantly surprised.” His voice was comforting, yet his tone was that of someone who was undoubtedly in charge. “I must apologize for the sudden entrance, I didn’t expect you to light that thing so soon.” You eyed the man, with both curiosity and apprehension. When you did not speak, he continued. “You are such a clever mortal, though I would guess that your waking memory doesn’t know much of your dreams.”

“N-no, I really don’t remember when I dream, but what does that have to do with anything? Why do you keep calling me ‘Mortal’? It’s almost as if you’re implying that you aren’t.” Loki smirks, one eyebrow raised.

“Little mortal, I am a God. You prayed, and I answered. Isn’t that what you wanted? ‘Whoever’s listening’, I believe, were your exact words?” You stand there, dumbfounded. “I have seen your nightmares and I must say, you are definitely a capable mortal. So determined. You have so much life in you, why would you give it up now?”

“I . . . I mean, if Darren doesn't see all the work I do, if he doesn’t think I’m valuable, then why should I try?”

“Then tell me, why does Mr. Albright deserve your efforts and your loyalty? What has he done? I see a large potential in you, My Dear, and I would like to offer you something. However, first I must confirm my suspicions. If I may?” Loki motions at your temples. After only a couple seconds of hesitation, you kneel in front of the God sitting in your bathroom. The pleased hum doesn’t escape your notice and you smile just faintly enough that you hope he didn’t see.

Your eyes flash the moment Loki’s cold fingers touch your temple, and suddenly you’re back in your abuser’s house.

It was winter, and he was drunk. He had lost his phone cord and blamed you he’s screaming, the bourbon on his breath obvious.

“You’re a shit girlfriend! You’re a shit girlfriend now, and you were a shit girlfriend when I met you, that’s why you were single. Go die!!” As he pushes past you, he punches a hole in the wall, mere inches from your head. You fight to keep your face still and unfeeling, hoping that he’ll go back to his office and leave you to lock yourself in the guest room.

The scene shifts, and you find yourself in that same guest room.

You’re bracing against the locked door with all your body weight. No matter how heavy you try to make yourself, you can feel the door start to budge. You make the split second decision to unlock it and let him in, as it will be much worse on you if he has to break in. You retreat into your mind and try to tune him out as he rants and screams about his right to grab your throat. You had fought him in his office when he had grabbed you and tried to sexually assault you. You got away, but at what cost?

Scene after scene flashes before your eyes, each more traumatizing than the last. Finally, Loki comes back into focus in front of you. You hastily grab the trash can beside the toilet and heave into it, bile being the only thing in your system to come up. You cough, and you feel a gentle hand rub your back as you fight to regain your composure.

“Little mortal . . . You’ve been through so much. You are so strong, and are worthy of someone who can see your value. Stand.” You push yourself up, leaning on Loki for support as you steady your face, willing it to neutrality. He clicks his tongue in disapproval. “Now darling, we’ve moved quite a ways past that. Shower.” You step into the stall, feeling the warmth wash over you. “May I?” The God reaches for the shampoo bottle on the floor of the shower, seemingly unbothered by his suit getting wet. You sit obediently near the shower’s door, and he sits behind you, gently massaging the product into your hair. He takes gentle care to not pull or scrub too hard. You rinse when he tells you to, and hand him the conditioner. As he works the second product into your hair, he sighs. “I did not realize the extent of your abuse. You did not deserve what that ant of a man did to you. Please, take your own wants and needs into consideration when you hear my offer.”

You chew your lip, unsure of how to respond. Do you even remember how to do things for yourself? You could take care of your own necessities, but this is different. When was the last time you’d done something just because you’d wanted to?

“I . . . I don’t even know what I need, much less want. Not anymore.” Your eyes never leave the floor of the shower. Loki’s movements don’t falter as he carefully chooses his words.

“Darling, I have been inside your mind. I know your wants, your needs, your fears and desires, your passions and your sorrows. You want someone to dominate you, but not for the thrill or gratification. No, your desire is much less selfish than that. You desire trust. You want to trust someone enough that you feel confident handing over control. To trust that they have your best interests at heart, and will always act with your needs taken into account. Rinse.” You stand, silently mulling what he says over in your mind.

“And what if you’re wrong? What if I want to be the one with the reins?” He chuckles, a small smile playing his lips.

“Then, Y/N, take those wants into account when you make your decision. However, I can guarantee I am not wrong. You would give up control so willingly if someone had your wellbeing in mind. Just like you did for me. With the shower.”

Goddammit. He was right. You hadn’t even realized what you were doing. Was he telling the truth? Could your outlook be so skewed that basic care and consideration is all you really want?

“Well then, Darling, now it is time for your choice. Come with me. I’ve been watching your drive and your passion for some time, and you are worthy of my attention. Of my care. Come with me, and let me earn the trust that you so crave to share with another being. I promise, you’ll be safe with a God.” You blink in disbelief. Is he offering you a way out? A way to get away from Darren, from the bills, from not always knowing where your next meal was coming from? Was this truely a fresh start?

“And what if I’m not strong enough to build that trust? What if I’m too far gone?” Your voice is soft, uncertain. Loki gently cups your chin and tilts your head up, forcing you to look at him.

“Darling, I know you can do it. You can come back from whatever dark place those undeserving insects have left you. You are so, very strong . . . For a Mortal.” You beam and take Loki’s hand. As his Seidr envelops you in a green glow, you think for the first time in forever that maybe, just possibly, everything might be alright.

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ratgirlcopia · 1 month

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Nah, i think what you said in your lore opinion makes a lot of sense, actually, and as your token mutual who is (unfortunately, here) very fond of terzo and meliora, i think, from a 'what is ghost to someone just getting into it' perspective its probably the most coherent way to approach it!

(My migraine addled brain last night suggested it's like. Vampires before and after Dracula. Prequelle and Impera are putting a definite and more specific thing together. The earlier albums and papas play with a premise, and it's not that there's *not* stories there, but. If you're writing a dracula story you don't really have to integrate other earlier, potentially contradictory, vampire concepts unless you want to, because we've got a single, specific iteration we're working with now. The previous papas and how they interact with copia's lore are functionally, as you say, more like fun AUs than equal canon)

yeah i think this is a really good way of looking at it! the previous papas are essential to how the concept evolved, but they're just not part of it anymore, they were a separate thing, and that time is pretty much over. sorry in advance for how long this is, this ask just made me start thinking about it again and i think it's an extremely interesting topic.

it's sort of wild, because i guess they figured that in order to keep people invested, copia had to be part of the "same" universe, and there had to be background characters carrying over across eras to bridge the gap, but the longer it goes on, the more it becomes obvious that the story probably would've benefited a lot from doing something like, "hey, the three previous guys were all from, say, the swedish location of the ghost ministry, but now we're going to talk about all-new characters from the los angeles location and it's a separate thing." but the decision to keep imperator and nihil as characters who have always been orchestrating things across eras (thus retconning a lot of stuff in the process) means we have these very ambiguous connections that weigh down the narrative.

even nihil's whole existence is contradictory. they present him as if he's been "papa" forever, we also have the "there can only be one papa" rule copia throws out during the ascension show, so then we're left with...what, nihil was papa before, then his kids were papa, then he went back to being papa? if the title is that easy to toss back and forth, it doesn't really mean anything. but if we view nihil-imperator-copia as their own universe, with nihil holding onto that title forever because there just isn't anybody else who's good enough for it, his whole deal makes a lot more sense.

the previous three are killed off SO unceremoniously, and because they are literally never brought up again, it just feels like (again, understandably) the writing at the beginning of the prequelle era was pretending there's a connection to the past eras that wasn't really there, to convince people to stay invested in what was essentially a brand-new thing. but now that it's worked and people are invested in copia, there aren't any more call-backs to previous eras, because they don't need them. but that weird "is it the same thing or isn't it" connection is still there because they relied on it in the beginning of the prequelle era.

it's the kind of thing that would drive me absolutely crazy if i was responsible for figuring out how to tell a coherent story, but thankfully that's not on me so i can just watch.

i think ghost is probably a very, very difficult thing to write for because of all this, which is part of why i'm so interested to see what the ghovie ends up doing. i think it could be a really cool opportunity to retcon the parts that don't make sense and try to edit all the weird, ambiguous loose ends together into a good, internally consistent story. they'd have to be willing to risk going "hey, these things aren't connected at all, sorry," more openly than they have before (even though that's basically the reality, with the current era not acknowledging the previous guys at all), but i think it would be worth the risk in terms of turning out a story that can stand on its own as a logically sound thing.

#ask #singinrevelry #i mean. it was already a pretty big risk to kill off the previous three. so i don't think tf is particularly Risk-Averse in that sense.#it's an absolute mess of a thing as-is and that's certainly fun.#but i do genuinely believe it has the potential to become coherent. and that's what makes me insane.

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perplexingluciddreams · 2 months

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General ramble update:

ME/CFS crash is the most shittest shitty thing ever to exist. and makes sensory so bad with the sweating and sweating and the temperature dysregulation and the pain and the flushing hot hot face ears neck chest bad angry bad.

and then can't properly regulate sensory OR emotional because swing is make sore and more tired and more flush face ears neck chest.

and in a weird weather point where my usual hoodie makes too warm and sweaty (Worst Bad Sensory Ever), but arms is cold with only t-shirt no hoodie...

AND can't do physio walking because of crash. i thought it got better for a day or two, then did too much (mostly swing), now it is worse than the first part of the crash.

fucking hate ME/CFS it is the cruelest most horrible disease and i so so fucking wish i didn't have it

Also, AFOs still give problems (so can't even wear at this point). we try to contact orthotics people, but honestly i don't know if they can do much different at this point. i don't know if they could edit the ones i have to be wear-able, and if they can't then i really don't want to go through the process of getting another pair made, just for it to not work (and have to struggle with disappointment All Over Again).

i know i said before positive things about these AFOs, but that is my usual mess up of following scripts (copy/borrow words from others) before i even know my own feelings. i mix up anxiety and apprehension and not-sure-yet feelings with excited, because they are all "high" feelings. like buzzy and tense and energy. similar body feeling, maybe? then it is only a while later when i actually process my own body feelings, both for emotions (like anxious and disappointed) and physical sensations (like the pressure-pain from AFOs). it is only then i can say accurate things about the subject. this applies to any subject for me.

and Mum and Dad ordered a recliner chair for me, to put my Recliner Support System (from Special Tomato) on. when the chair comes they will set it all up, then at some point i will try it. but i will learn from my mistakes with speaking too soon on AFOs, and wait a while until i process, then update on that.

i think i am getting very very gradually slower. definitely having more semi-stuck moments where i can still move my body but can't transition task - or can't even know what i am supposed to do next. it is taking me longer and longer each toilet trip, i get stuck sitting on the toilet and between each step. it is affecting all my movements, but i try not to compare the walking part too much since there is other factors in that.

i want to write much more about regression and (highly suspected) catatonia stuff. i have a lot to say.

more mood stuff like getting easily "worked up" and aggression, and more getting close to meltdown easily, more hit self without control when i get only a tiny bit upset. but that is also part of ME/CFS crash for me, so i will not judge that until i have longer time to compare it.

also mentally everything is just hard. (which is also partial explanation for the quick aggression and mood shit). i "clock out" or "shut off" most of the time, because i simply don't have the time, ability, energy, to even think about everything that is happening/has happened to me. whether due to health shit, past trauma, regression/decline... it is all too much. brain loud. and loud = takes more energy. so, i can't.

this post seems overall quite negative, i think. but that is just my mental place recently. it is not always quite this bad internally for me. but when it is bad, i can't pull myself out of it, i don't have that ability, i can't regulate like that. only suppress and ignore and avoid, in hopes of avoiding meltdowns. my only hope is swing swing swing, music, watch things, and shut off clock out brain. don't let myself think or feel or remember the reality. just live in the safe parts of my brain's inside world.

hopefully i will have more positive feeling soon, and maybe happier things to share. although it is important for me to share the shit stuff too, it gets out of my brain a bit this way, relieve some pressure. i just wish i could get more out (of past things and memories, mostly. that is what makes the most noise in my head).

at least i have sensory galaxy light projector, Downton Abbey, sudoku, and safe music playlist (called "fills brain just right"). 💚

#words from my head #myalgic encephalomyelitis #chronic fatigue syndrome #ankle foot orthotics #autism #autistic #autistic catatonia #autism regression #swearing

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sakarrie-creates · 4 months

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It’s that time of year! Here’s my 2023 art summary! After two years of having to include non-colored pieces, I finally did enough ‘full’ pieces to fill my art summary template! I did have to get a bit creative with the months since I was able to draw a LOT more during the summer, but I’ll take it! Sorry it's a bit blurry. I'm not sure if that's just for the preview or not, but it was a smaller file than normal and since these reflections are 99% for my own interest, I decided it wasn't worth trying to change.

As usual, I got rambly so reflection questions are answered under the cut. The template I used is available here in case anyone else wants to make their own! My fic summary will be coming in a week or so, so stay tuned for the stats and round-up there. :)

What events did you participate in (with art)? Player Appreciation Week, Fandom Trumps Hate, Dear Fellow Traveler (Animatic), Weird People (Editing), SPN Comfortably Queer Zine (dropped), and lots of zine applications for page artist, merch artist, comic artist, and spot artist roles!

What was your biggest challenge this year? While time, like last year, was still a challenge, I think my biggest challenge was a mix of low motivation and an intense perfectionistic mindset. At the start of the year, I got super into TOH and was super hyped about all the zines with apps opening. I really REALLY wanted to get into them and figured I should apply for art too just cause it would increase my overall chances of getting in. After the finale, I did a screenshot redraw that ended up being absolutely fantastic for where my skill level is. I went deeper into rendering than ever before, and somehow it worked for me.

That probably was the start of my unreasonably high expectations, and I got it into my head that maybe if I could make a whole portfolio of artwork at that quality level, I actually stood a chance at getting into a zine as an artist. From then on, I was hardcore crash-coursing perspective, rendering techniques, and generally trying to improve without allowing room for mistakes. While I do think it helped me grow a lot, it burnt me out so I struggled to work on stuff past summary (when all the zine apps were) and even dropped from the SPN Comfortably Queer Zine cause my imposter syndrome was so strong. (Though that was also partially because it was a ‘sign-up and you’re in’ zine, so they never saw my art during the application process and had no way of knowing if I was good enough.

What was something you were surprised by? I’m pretty sure I discovered the perspective tool is CSP this year! CSP has so many tools I’m not aware of (despite watching tons of tutorials and guides), so it wasn’t super surprising but it was nice. I have to say, they’re a serious hassle to work with and require a higher understanding of vanishing points and such than I currently have, but I could see it being very useful for future scene art pieces.

Did you try anything new this year?

Yes! This year I kicked down the door to the merch world and have been collecting and designing throughout the year. Though the designs have mostly just been for zine app portfolio’s, everything has worked out really well for me and I hope to produce charms for my collection as I improve my skills. Where do you think you most improved? Definitely my confidence in rendering! And probably my rendering itself too. I did a ton more pieces with it this year and it’s definitely a favorite part of the art process for me. I think I’ll have a lot more fun with it this year too, since I’m trying to keep it lower pressure, so I can experiment more to find out what brushes and styles I like most. What are you most proud of? I think I’m most proud of how ambitious I was with my zine apps. Though I didn’t get into any for art and it burned me out a fair bit, I did a lot of hard work and made pieces I can be mostly happy with. As for specific pieces, I’m very proud of my animatic clip for the Dear Fellow Traveler MAP (which is what the Belos art from the summary is from). My portion was about 5 seconds with 24 fully colored and shaded frames. A few of those were moving frames too, so the end result is the closest thing to actual animation I’ve done. I also really like the rendering on the Huntlow Epilogue art and generally how the Steve&Matt hug turned out.

How’d this year compare to your 2023 goals? I honestly couldn’t remember what my goals were, but all things considered, I didn’t do too bad! Thankfully past-Sakarrie was wise and made it a bullet list so I can just check things off. Met: -Player Appreciation Week -Add to zine portfolio -Apply to at least one zine as an artist (fine if don’t get accepted) -Keep experimenting with backgrounds and shading -Pull out some old WIPs -Build more consistency of style

The checked off ones I definitely met, so good for me! This was a very zine-focused year, so I way exceeded those goals. The last two I did do, but they’re a bit subjective. Specifically, I think the ‘WIPs’ I was referring to were old sketches, but most of the old WIPs I revisited were already colored and I was either adding rendered or cleaning them up for zine usage. As for style, I’m REALLY bad at telling haha. That said, my characters seem reasonably similar when I draw them, so I’m going to tentatively count it. Kinda: -One fully colored piece per month

I’m gonna give myself a half check on this one. I didn’t have a fully colored piece every month, but I did have over 12 fully rendered pieces in the end, several of which had backgrounds. So while I didn’t meet the letter of the goal, I feel like I met the spirit of it.

Did Not Meet: -Finish Huntlow comic -30 minutes animatic digitalize rough draft -Maybe make some fanart of my favorite fics

These don’t shock me. They’re all personal projects and this was a very external-goal-driven year for me. The Huntlow comic is a big love of mine but it’s definitely ambitious for where my skill is. I’ve got the whole thing messy-sketched and most of it has been clean sketched, but the jump from that to lineart is gonna be hard, and I have no idea what I’d be doing with color since the panels don’t have a background. That said, I do feel like it’s some solid work and I adore the angst vibe of it, so maybe I’ll get it done one day. I could also see myself posting it as a messy lineart comic so that others could enjoy the concept being executed in case it never gets finished.

As for the 30 Minutes animatic, I still 100% intend to complete it eventually. I love the way it fits to the music and I’m so proud of the thumbnails. Even if it never becomes a full animatic, I want to digitize the frames and line it up with music so I can share the concept I see in my mind with others. My brain was somewhat overtaken suddenly by TOH this year, so now that that’s settled and I’m hoping to follow my muse more this year, maybe this will be something I can get excited about again.

The fanart for favorite fics is no surprise since it’s kinda the tack on. With low motivation and projects with deadlines that needed my focus, personal art like this was buried way below other priorities. It’s a nice though for sure though.

Alrighty then, now it’s time for 2024 goals!! Oh goodness, I really don’t know what to expect of myself. I definitely am going to try to allow for more personal projects with lower pressure, but I do still have some goals. Hopefully most can be accomplished without applying big pressure though.

2024 Goals:

-Number One Priority: Create for my and don’t put myself in a place to get crazy burnt out and still have requirements. If I meet this goal, then it’s okay if I don’t meet any of the others. (It would be sad.... But I would still count it as meeting overall goals.) -Participate in Summergen and PAW Week (Art or Fic) -Design Handplates charm as anniversary gift (November) -Design CS Charm -Have a fully usable Zine Portfolio (Currently need more merch samples and rendered pieces with backgrounds) -Apply to new TOH Zines or other loved fandom zines. If I end up getting into any, I can pull back, but since that doesn’t seem likely, I want to get into the habit of always being ready to apply with what I have. -Make an ongoing project list to pin to my tumblr. This applies mostly for fics, but that way people coming to my page can see what fandoms I’m actively creating for and what they can look forward to (as well as have an opening to ask questions if they’re interested). -Post more (at least 10 times throughout the year) and add my best pieces to instagram (8+ pieces by end of year). -Do ONE of the following: 1. 30 minutes digitized so it can be shared with music 2. Open Up Your Eyes fully thumbnail 3. Fanworks for other people’s fics 4. Participate in an extra bang or exchange with art 5. Design and manufacture a pin -Play with different brushes and rendering styles -Draw something from scratch every month, no matter how small -Not exactly art, but I want to have a finalized long-term merch display plan for all my items Overall, how’d the year go? I think I did well! I didn’t meet all my goals and I pushed myself too far, but I learned and improved a LOT this year. All things considered, I made pieces that last year me would be blown away by, so I think that’s an automatic win. I’m pretty uncertain on how this next year will go (even more so than last year, which is surprising since I was changing schools last year), but I’m hoping to enjoy what I do and create art semi-regularly. Here’s to 2024!

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sleepytimemoga-p2 · 9 months

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Naomi Moss vs. Naomi Lombardo

Recently I’ve kinda been doing a deep dive into my oc and decided to analyze her as a character regarding her two canons.

Naomi Moss was originally a character made for the Mafia series, specifically Mafia 3. In this story she’s a childhood friend of Lincoln Clay and the last time he ever saw her, she cried in his arms because she was afraid of losing a friend she had forever. When he returned to The Hollow, he learned that she was the host of “Blue Belle Radio” which is a radio show that plays psychedelic music and touch on social and legal issues. Naomi’s role in Lincoln’s story is minimal in my opinion, she can serve as a love interest depending on player choice but in the end Naomi can easily become an old friend Lincoln can save from a bad situation regarding her family that turned toxic after her father died. Her brothers Hudson and Anthony decided to take on patriarch positions and ultimately try to control Naomi who is seen as rebellious in their eyes; A mission involving them includes Naomi being kidnapped by them on air and Clay having to rescue her without killing her brothers in the process. She becomes a great lawyer after she graduates and with a place like New Bordeaux, being a criminal lawyer keeps her busy.

Naomi Lombardo is actively a work in progress but this Naomi comes from an AU where Paulie Lombardo survives the events of Mafia: Definitive Edition and ends up going to Georgia to open that pizzeria he wanted and settling with his wife Ruth Moss (another oc). Since he’s her grandfather, he invites her and her brother Frankie (and her cousins) to work in the restaurant during the holidays and summer for extra money. Usually, she is studying when she’s not taking orders and pretending not to hear the comments of the men she’s serving. Her and her cousin after a night of drinking are stuck working, they decide to pickpocket a particularly annoying customer to feel better (She makes it a principal only to swipe from people being assholes.) and ends up meeting Samuel “Ace” Rothstein and his friend Nicky Santoro (who they stole a watch off of). It was a short encounter with lasting consequences because Ace ended up making it a point talking to her the entire time they’re in Georgia and ended up taking her number. The two are immediately smitten with each other and end up talking during their downtime. Eventually, Ace decided that enough was enough, and he offered to pay for the remainder of her education if he moved to Nevada with him in an apartment he rented out for her. She still becomes a criminal defense lawyer and married Ace, but she’s also now in the news as Ace’s wife and possible legal council.

Naomi and Lincoln are childhood friends and personally I just think without that connection, they wouldn’t exactly cross paths the way they did in their canon. Both of them have a shared fear of each other’s actions with Naomi trying to stay brave when things go wrong while Lincoln actively seeks out dangerous scenarios. I also see Lincoln as a bit too overprotective of Naomi because he’s lost so much from his past that he doesn’t want to lose another thing important to him and Naomi can feel a bit smothered by it at times but understands it. Naomi also feels a sort of gratitude to him for getting her out of her family situation and wants to repay him by providing love. When they do enter a relationship they become a team. Compatibility rating: 5.5/10 They’re alright.

Naomi and Ace are a whole different energy in comparison with Ace being sure about Naomi after talking to her, he sees Naomi for the smart woman that she is and that her potential was going to be useful in the long run. He later realizes that he just genuinely loves her and every part of her. Naomi originally thought that he wanted to pay her to pay attention to him but ultimately realized that their attraction was beyond financial compensation. Naomi found herself spending the free time they both had together just talking about anything, doing anything. Ace married her as soon as he could get the ring on her. Compatibility rating: 9/10 They’re living their Lana Del Rey fantasy

Edit: Both their stories contain themes of racism and redefining oneself, but their paths getting there are vastly different.

#my art #mafia trilogy #marmalade #ace of hearts #oc #oc x canon #fanart #mafia 3 #mafia iii #lincoln clay #sam ace rothstein #ace rothstein #casino 1995 #casino #my writing #Naomi Lombardo #naomi moss

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lilyspencerappreciationweek · 6 months

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We're already halfway through our week! Love all the entries we've been getting so far and really can't wait to see what you all have in store for us!!

For Day 3, we have two themes!

Our first theme is Throwback! It's pretty simple - if you have any old pieces you'd like to share, you can reblog them for the week. And if you'd like, you can even take us through the process of how you made the piece. Here's a template you can use in case you would like a little help in that.

Our second theme is Lily from Wisconsin! In her first diamond scene, Lily tells us about how she grew up as a "geeky bi girl from Wisconsin". This not only tells us where she comes from, but highlights how she was a regular woman living her life before Gaius and Jameson put her life in danger in order to get the MC further involved in the vampire world. This is a way to reimagine Lily, what her life used to be like, her origins!

Any and all content is welcome during this week - fanfic, fanart, headcanons, meta, edits, moodboards, interactive media, even screenshots of your favourite Lily scenes!! Our only requirement is that the pieces should focus on Lily and present a positive depiction of her. WIPs and Throwback pieces are also more than welcome!

You can send pieces during any day of the week (not necessarily just the day of the theme) but do specify which day you meant the piece for!! We will keep a bonus week open for any pending entries too. Our rough deadline for entries will be Nov 10th. You can still send entries after the date and it will still be put up in the masterlist - this date is mostly for us to make the thank you video! Otherwise we will be open for entries until the next event.

Do keep these things in mind while making your posts:

1. Use the tags #lilyspencerappreciationweek and #LSAW in your posts (as well as the day. eg: #LSAW Day 2, #LSAW Day 3 etc)

2. Tag @lilyspencerappreciationweek, and hosts @sazanes and @lizzybeth1986 in your posts

FAN-COMMUNITY BLOGS keep the creative parts of our fandom alive! If you would like to participate in other events alongside this one, here are a couple great blogs you can check out!

@choicesficwriterscreations - Accepts both fic and art! Check here for their rules, policies and roster of events!

@choicesmonthlychallenge - Any and all content welcome! Here are the prompts for @choicesnovchallenge2021.

@choicesflashfics - Primarily for fics under a 2500 word count. These prompts are for the week, until 4th Nov!

@choicespride - Any and all content, as long as it is centered around LGBTQ characters and/or themes! Currently there are no themes so far, but you could definitely check out and enjoy their past events!

@choicesprompts - Primarily fanfic! They just finished Flufftober, but here are some of the events they've run that you can enjoy!

Thank you so much for all the love you have given Lily so far!!

Happy Lily Spencer Appreciation Week, everyone!!

#lily spencer #bloodbound #lilyspencerappreciationweek #LSAW #LSAW 2023 #LSAW Day 3: Throwback #LSAW Day 3: Lily from Wisconsin

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study-coffee-chicago · 1 year

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Trifecta from Hell (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead Sister Imagine)

A/N: I’m finally posting this here because I got my laptop back! And, it’s unedited because at the time I posted it on Wattpad, my laptop was still being fixed and I hate writing/editing on my phone.

Anyway, sorry it's taken me so long to update! I haven't been watching PD since Jay left, so I didn't really have any ideas for a bit!

But, I have some now and have an idea for a fluffy Thanksgiving and Christmas imagine, so keep an eye out for that in the coming weeks!

Anyway, please remember to reblog and comment!

Enjoy!

Today had been fine...at least it had been until you got out of work and were stopped by one of your coworkers practically screaming at you. And, this wasn't where you typically worked, they were just really short staffed, so you were constantly pulled over here. But, you didn't have access to things that their normal staff did—you worked in mental health, so the most important thing you needed access to were updates on clients...which you didn't since you weren't this places full time staff—and since you were here so much, they were starting to think of you as their normal staff.

But, without access to everything, mistakes were bound to be made and you were the one getting blamed.

And this was what you had ranted to Jay about on your way home.

You were still crying after you hung up the phone and knew you were on the verge of a panic attack. But, you were on the highway and you couldn't easily just pull over.

So, you used a coping skill that you hadn't used since middle school: you dug your fingernails into the skin on the inner part of your wrist. Hard.

You removed your right hand from your left wrist—your left hand still being the one holding the steering wheel during this—and put it wheel and once again drove with both hands. But, you kept crying. So, you continued the process until you were just short of making your wrist bleed.

***

When you got home, you told Jay about your wrist and assured him you hadn't cut yourself, just dug your nails into your skin. And then, well, you broke down.

"Everyone fucking leaves!" you yelled. "What's the point of being here anymore? All I do is work! I have no friends, except for like two, Emma texted and told me she didn't want to be friends anymore! Everyone fucking leaves, Jay! And—" Your voice cracked. "Maybe it's me! Maybe I'm the fucking problem! Maybe it would be better if I was dead!"

Jay stood up. "You know you don't mean that. And, all the stuff with Emma, something else had to have been going on. You just have to get out more, make some friends. The pandemic definitely hasn't helped because you didn't get a full college experience, but—"

"What's the point, Jay? If everyone just leaves, why am I wasting my fucking time? I don't wanna be here anymore!" you cried as hot tears rolled down your face.

Jay opened his arms. "C'mere."

"No." You turned. "I'm going to bed."

Hopefully I won't wake up you thought to yourself.

"Y/N—"

"I said I'm going to bed!" you yelled and grabbed your backpack and made your way to your room.

Then, you cried yourself to sleep.

***

That was how you found yourself sitting next to Jay in his truck as he drove to the district the next morning.

"I'm 22, Jay. Just let me stay home," you pleaded for the billionth time that morning.

"After yesterday, me and Will feel it's safer if you're not by yourself."

"C'mon, I'm not gonna kill myself," you told him.

"After yesterday, well, me and Will aren't so sure."

"I just wanna sleep."

"And you can," Jay told you. "On the couch in the break room."

"Ugh." You leaned your head back in your seat in frustration.

When you pulled into the district, you figured it was better for you to walk inside because right now, you wouldn't put it past Jay to physically force you out of the truck and carry you inside.

"Chuckles Jr," Trudy said from the desk as she put the phone back in her cradle when you and Jay entered. "What brings you here?"

"I'm here against my will," you told her and Jay just rolled his eyes.

"She's here because it's safer for her," Jay said.

At this, Trudy's eyes widened. "Safer how? What's going on Halstead? You know between me and your sergeant upstairs, we have eyes everywhere."

"It's nothing like that," Jay said, assuming Trudy meant that an old case or collar was coming back to bite him in the ass. "She's just got some personal stuff going on, so I brought her here to keep an eye on her." And with that, Jay started walking towards the stairs, and you started following, still sulking.

"Sensitive case, Halstead. Y/N can't be up there. Intelligence and yours truly only," Trudy said, causing Jay to turn and look at her and you to throw your head back in frustration.

"Sarge, can you watch her for the day?" Jay asked.

"She's an adult, Halstead. Can't she look after herself?" Trudy asked, throwing him some of her signature sass.

"Thank you!" you said and pointed a hand towards Trudy. Finally, someone was on your side. It was like a breath of fresh air after arguing with Jay all morning.

"Can I talk to you?" Jay asked Trudy. He looked around at all the officers milling about. "Privately?" She nodded and the two moved to the door of the office. Jay gave you a pointed look and nodded to the bench before him. "You move from this bench, I will put you on a psych hold."

You went and sat down on the bench and Jay heard you mutter something about how fear tactics don't help in these kinds of situations, but, for once, he figured it was best to ignore you.

***

Ten minutes later, Trudy and your brother came out of the office.

"C'mon, kiddo. I'm bringing you to 51. Figured it would be much more fun for you to hang out with them than to sit behind that desk with me all day."

"Lucky me," you replied sarcastically.

"Hey, watch the--"

"Halstead, go upstairs and do your job. I'll take it from here," Trudy said, effectively cutting him off.

"Don't do anything stupid, Y/N," he told you. You huffed and rolled your eyes and then he shook his and turned around and jogged upstairs and into Intelligence.

"Ever ridden in a patrol car?" Trudy asked. You shook your head. "Then today's your lucky day because me and you are gonna go grab the best on from the CPD lot and we might even stop for donuts, give you the full beat cop experience."

"Lucky me," you said sarcastically and shrugged.

Trudy just looked at you and pursed her lips, trying to figure out what had you so down.

***

"Listen kid," Trudy said when the two of you got back in the patrol car with a box of two dozen donuts and coffee for you and her. "I'm not giving you a donut until you tell me your side of the story. I've heard your brother's, but I wanna hear yours. What happened at work that made you feel this way?"

You sighed. "It's not just work. It's everything."

"Work was just the tip of the iceberg then, huh?"

"Yeah," you said feeling yourself get choked up. "It's just- everyone leaves, so what's the point of trying to make friends, you know?"

"Kid, when you're as old I am, I can tell you one thing, if people aren't meant to stay in your life, they won't. But, maybe try hanging out with Ritter and Gallo and Violet at 51. They're close to your age, right?"

"A few years older," you answered. "They'll probably just look at me like Jay's little sister like everyone in Intelligence does."

"Hey, you'll never know unless you try."

"I guess," you shrugged. "Can I have a donut now?"

***

When you walked into the firehouse, you appeared fine, maybe a little sad, but fine nonetheless.

But, when you saw the number of firefighters in the common room, you started to become hyper aware of your surroundings and your breath caught in your throat.

"Hey, mini Halstead!" Kelly exclaimed from where he was grabbing breakfast. "What brings you here? C'mon, come get some breakfast, kid!"

You just looked him and then quickly shook your head.

"Gotta go to the bathroom," you said quickly and then turned around and calmly walked out of the common room and then speed walked down the hallway and into the bathrooms.

You could do this...there weren't that many people...there were, what? Four on squad, two paramedics, which made six. Then there was Chief Boden which made seven. Then there was Stella, which made eight...then there was—

Fuck! Who were you kidding? This was way too many people! And Jay thought this was a good idea?

You rested your head against the bathroom stall that you had locked yourself in and then pulled out your phone and sent a text to Jay with shaking hands.

There's too many people here. I hate you

He responded within thirty seconds.

Love you, too. Just making sure you're safe.

If your phone was indestructible, you would've thrown it on the ground.

You pocketed your phone and leaned your head back on the stall door.

Fuck.

This was going to be a long day.

***

You didn't know how much time had passed, but it hadn't been a lot, probably only five or ten minutes, when you heard footsteps coming towards the stall you were currently standing in.

"Y/N? It's just me," you heard Stella say. "Trudy told me, Kelly, and Boden what's going on. Can you please come out?" You didn't. "Can you at least say something? So I know you're okay?"

You sighed as frustration bubbled up in your body. That's what they all wanted to know: that you were okay, that you were safe.

You flung the door open. "I'm okay! I'm alive, aren't I? That's all you guys want, isn't it? Just to make sure I'm alive even though I'm fucking miserable?!"

Stella quickly backtracked and slammed the door to the bathrooms closed and then stood in front of it, effectively blocking your path to get out of here.

"Hey, I know feelings are something you Halsteads have a hard time expressing--at least your brothers do--, but I know you're hiding something under all that anger, Y/N," Stella said gently but firmly.

"You- you do?" You definitely weren't expecting that.

"I do. Now, I'll stay here while you calm down, and then how about we go kick Kelly out of his office so that I can braid your hair? Does that sound okay?"

"Really?" you asked. "Don't you have Lieutenant stuff to do?"

Stella waved her hand. "That stuff can wait a few hours. Plus, I'm still waiting on my office to get finished, so I can always use that as an excuse if I need to. Now, take some deep breaths, splash some water on your face, and I am going to give you the best damn braids in the whole CFD."

***

"You wanna tell me what's going on?" Stella asked when she was halfway through braiding your hair. The feeling of her fingers in your hair made you relax. It reminded you of when Erin used to do your hair for school picture day when you still didn't know your way around a straightener yet.

"I dunno," you answered truthfully.

"You don't know if you wanna tell me or you don't know what's going on?" Stella asked as she continued braiding.

"A little bit of both, I guess."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"Doubt it. Unless you can make some friends for me appear out of thin air."

"You'd be surprised at what I can do, Y/N."

***

"Violet!" Stella yelled fifteen minutes later when she told you she needed to go dig some more hair ties out of her locker...which was a lie.

"Yeah?" Violet asked and looked up from where she and Brett were watching an episode of House Hunters: International on her phone.

"Do you and Brett mind making a supply run to Med or something in like half an hour? It's just that when I was braiding Y/N's hair, she said something about wanting more friends. And, I figured going on an ambulance ride with you two would be more friendly that taking her in one of the trucks, so—"

"We'll take her," Sylvie chimed in. "Maybe even stop for some food on the way back. Everyone needs a friend once in awhile."

"As long as the place has better coffee than here," Violet said.

"Thanks, you guys. You're the best."

Stella started to walk off to go finish your hair, when Gallo and Ritter turned around from where they were making sandwiches at the counter.

"Everything okay with Y/N? Anything we can do to help?" Ritter asked.

"I think she just needs some friends," Stella said.

"Well, lucky for her, me and Ritter are some of the friendliest people you know," Gallo chimed in, causing Ritter to roll his eyes.

"What he means is, we'll figure something out. We all know how it feels go be lonely sometimes."

"Just don't do anything too crazy," Stella warned. "I'm looking at you, Gallo."

Then, Stella left the common room and went to her locker to retrieve some more hair ties and then went back into Severide's office to finish braiding your hair.

***

"Want some coffee?" Gallo asked when you walked back into the common room after Stella braided your hair.

"Gallo, this stuff tastes like tar. Nobody likes this. Don't poison the poor girl!" Ritter exclaimed, which caused a ghost of a smile to appear on your lips. But, it disappeared as quickly as it came.

"Well, lucky for her, we are going to grab some supplies from Med and she is just the person we want for a ride along," Violet said cheerfully.

"And we're stopping for food and coffee on the way back," Brett said. "61 is officially out of service for the next two hours."

"You really want me to go?" you asked. "Because I get carsick easily."

Brett waved her hand in dismissal. "We won't be turning on any lights and sirens...and we'll make Violet sit in the back."

"Rude!" Violet exclaimed. "But, let's get going. We're only out of service for a couple hours."

When you left the paramedics, Gallo turned to Ritter.

"I have the perfect idea," he said.

"Oh, no," Ritter groaned.

"What oh no? My ideas are great, thank you very much."

"Yeah? Says who?" Gallo said nothing. "My point exactly."

"Do you want to hear my idea or not?"

"Fine. What's your idea, Gallo?"

"Instead of going to Molly's tomorrow night, maybe you, me, and Violet can meet up at my apartment and drink and play some poker or something? And we can invite Y/N? I just know that when that guy jumped off that ledge when I thought I had a save, that I needed some friends. Sounds like she does, too."

Ritter smiled. "That's actually a great idea, Gallo."

***

A few hours later

It was around 7pm and everyone had gone out on a call. You were just sitting in the common room on the couch reading.

Then, you went to the bathroom and planned on coming straight back to the couch and your book, but your body had other plans.

You looked down and immediately relief washed over you.

You had gotten your period.

Sure, you had been diagnosed with depression and it was the beginning of winter in Chicago, which meant some seasonal depression sprinkled in there, but now you had a reason. An in-your-face reason that you were feeling this way: you had been PMS-ing.

You made your way out of the bathroom to grab a pad or tampon that you had thrown in your bag for emergencies and then went back in the bathroom and finished up.

When you came back out, you saw that 81 was back from the call.

"Pssst, Stella," you hissed.

She turned and walked over to you. "What's up?"

"Do you by any chance have some tampons?" you whispered.

"I do. Follow me."

***

Jay picked you up half an hour later.

"Have fun?" he asked.

"A bit," you answered. "Me and Sylvie and Violet went and got lunch and coffee. We went to this really good sandwich place."

Jay smiled. "Good. I'm glad you're doing better."

"Yeah, I got my period so it all makes sense now."

Jay had learned long ago that you did not care if he and Will knew you were on your period. And, while Jay was weirded out by it at first, he quickly realized that he couldn't be because he was the one responsible for buying you pads and tampons.

"Do we need to stop at the store?" Jay asked.

"No. But it all makes sense now! That's why I was depressed. Or it was the trifecta from hell."

"The what from hell?" Jay asked.

"Trifecta," you answered. "Clinical depression, seasonal depression, and PMS all at once."

Jay laughed. "Guess so."

"It helps when I have a reason for it. Don't know why, but it helps."

Jay nodded. "You're not too tired, are you?"

You shook your head. "No...why?"

Jay smiled. "You'll see."

"What is it?" you asked excitedly.

"You'll see when we get home."

"Jay," you whined. "C'mon! At least give me a hint!"

"You used to do this in school."

You furrowed your eyebrows. "What? That doesn't make any sense!"

"Exactly."

***

"So, what are we doing?" you asked as you got up to the door of your apartment. Jay knocked on the door. "It's your apartment! Why are you—"

"All set up in there?" Jay yelled.

"All set!" Hailey yelled back.

"All set with what?" you asked.

"You'll see when I open the door," Jay told you. "Patience, young grasshopper."

You rolled you eyes as Jay unlocked the door and followed him in.

Inside, the lights were dimmed and there were were four mugs on the bar and also four wine glasses next to a bottle of wine.

On the kitchen table was a spread of your favorite snacks including Oreos, Tim Tams, and Goldfish. There was also a tin of tamales with all the toppings with all the fixings and chips and homemade salsa from Mama Garcia's.

Then, in the living area, there were books stacked on the coffee table and blankets laid out on the couch and even a few pillows on the floor.

There was a pumpkin scented candle sitting on one of the end tables.

Finally, propped up against the TV, sat a mini white board reading Reading Day 2022.

You broke out into a giant smile. "How did you guys even come up with this?"

"Me and Will remembered you'd get so excited when you'd have that one reading day in March in elementary school when you'd just read and eat snacks all day, so we figured we'd recreate it," he answered.

"And we made the adult version," Will added. "Which is why there's wine...and I may or may not have put some Bailey's in the hot chocolate."

"Will!" Jay exclaimed.

Will put up his hands in a sign of surrender. "In my defense, I was unsupervised."

"Y/N, if you want hot chocolate without the alcohol, I'll make you some," Jay said.

"Nah, I think I'll take the spiked version," you answered.

"And, I brought over some books that were on your TBR that I grabbed from the library," Hailey added.

"Wait," you began as you furrowed your eyebrows, trying to put the pieces together. "I thought all three of you were at work?"

"I worked an eight hour shift instead of a twelve today," Will explained. "That was planned anyway since we're short staffed."

You nodded. "And, what about you two?" you asked and looked towards Jay and Hailey. "I thought you had a super sensitive case or something?"

"Turns out criminals are really stupid," Jay answered.

"We caught the guy at like three in the afternoon," Hailey explained. "And Voight said we could just do the paperwork tomorrow so Jay started thinking—"

"Oh no!" Will said dramatically and threw himself down on the couch. "He's gotta be so tired from thinking!"

Jay scrunched up his face and quickly flipped Will off, hoping that you wouldn't notice, but you had.

"Anyway," Hailey continued, annoying Will's antics even though everyone could see how she smiled when Will made that joke...she just didn't feel like laughing at her boyfriend. She figured three against one wasn't the fairest ratio. "Jay said he had this idea and told me about it, so I said I'd go on your TBR on Goodreads and try and find some books for you and that we'd need two cars so I could get the food while he picked you up."

"And then Jay called me and told me I was in charge of the alcohol," Will said.

Jay gave him a pointed look. "He really wasn't," Jay said. "He just put himself in charge of it."

You hadn't stopped smiling throughout the entire explanation of how this all came together. "Either way, thank you guys. So much."

"Pick a book and I'll grab you some food," Jay said.

"Everything on the tamales. Cheese, sour cream, sal—"

"I know what you like, Y/N. But, wine or the spiked hot chocolate?"

"I'll start with wine," you answered and the wandered over to go pick out on of the many books Hailey had brought over.

For the rest of the night, you, your brothers, and Hailey read books and ate good food and drank. The four of you also may or may not have built a blanket fort. And, you may or may not have cried when Violet texted you and asked if you wanted to meet up with her, Gallo, and Ritter tomorrow night and play poker. And, when you said you didn't know how, she said that they'd teach you.

This is what it felt like: to have people in your corner. And, even though Jay was being dramatic and overprotective when he made you go to 51 earlier to have people keep an eye on you, you knew it was just because he and Will cared about you so much that they couldn't bear to lose you.

And they wouldn't lose you. They had proven that they'd make damn sure of that.

A/N: Thank you for reading and don't forget to vote and comment!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @911ls-tarlos @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88 @glitterquadricorn @luvreading67 @smoothdogsgirl @afriendlyneighborhoodhufflepuff @actlikesummerr @lcothr523 @star-wars-lover

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