#it makes me yearn for a ‘normal’ college experience

[samsspambox]

*shoves face in hands* aAAAAAA

(if you wanna read about my personal woes, feel free!)

so. uh. hi!

i know i don't do much of updates or much on my personal life bc doing it here kinda feels like i need to explain myself while on twitter it's more like a tweet and go situation but eh, i ran out of tweet rations LMAO.

anyway! i started working about two months ago in a library and it's been fun! but that's not what i'm here to talk about (or what you're here to read lol)

i ended up catching feelings for one of my coworkers. and let me really define feelings bc it'll make me feel better and bc i've recently discovered i have attachment issues LMAO

i really like this person's smile. that's what started all of this mess. i've caught myself daydreaming about the possibility of spending more time with them. i'm excited every time they walks through the door. they make me laugh, I make them laugh. we exchange memes on the server we made for all of our coworkers. lately we've been exchanging ai song covers and mashups (they... really liked mine which made me preen internally) imo, not quite there yet, but certainly not something to ignore. so a mishmash of emotions. hell, it took me a while to admit that my feelings had spilled into something more than friendship.

"sam just ask them out" i hear you say.

counterpoints: i suck at this. i have no experience whatsoever. im always the one who asks people out. i don't even know if they have a partner and i could overstep. i like being their friend and i don't really have my feelings cemented and i wouldn't want to do that to someone. i've come out burned several times. i don't know when people are flirting or being nice. using body language queues i think they don't like me like that. i want to be asked out for once.

i like the current arrangement. they would come in on the day we were both scheduled, along with another coworker, and we'd laugh and joke. i beat them in mario kart once (it was a thing for the library.)

and well... they got a new job. their last day is tomorrow. i'm most likely never gonna see them again.

i'm kinda sad, in a sense. they're leaving and well,,, i would've liked for something to happen. (this lowkey hits me in the 'never had anyone ask me out' feels and it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me, if i'm attractive enough or if they like my personality, but that's for another day.) it also makes me happy in a sense? they're moving up in the world and i wish them the best. also happy for myself bc it's been such a fat while since i've had feelings like these. the last time was my sophomore year of hs. (im also incredibly loyal to my crushes, which is funny. that person i liked till the end of hs) i thought something was wrong with me (turns out you can't force emotional connections even if you want to LMAO)

but yeah. the saga of me pining for a person. (i guess i also don't wanna ask them out bc it's something i'm more used to? i'm always the one pining, eternally waiting to finally be picked. and when i do try to get out there, i get rejected. i feel safer at a distance.) they leave tomorrow and i'm just gonna stand there and watch.

anyway have some songs that i've been obsessed with bc idk how to end this lol

#personal #sam rambles #sam gets no bitches: the saga #*lays on the floor* honestly this just makes me want to be loved #'always giving never given' #i yEARN FOR THE QUINTESSENTIAL ROMANTIC EXPERIENCE #i've actually had my first kiss thank you but it was more of a 'please kiss me so i'm not a loser at college for not having my first kiss' #so a friend gave me my first kiss and well... it was platonic #it's always platonic with me *laughs* #im okay i really don't let this bother me most days but some days... mAN #once nice smile person leaves i'm pretty sure i'll go back to normal i swear

[incesthemes]

hi bestie. it’s me. ❤️ monkey emoji 🙊 or whatever can i make you talk about stanford era sam again… for me for please…

you can do anything you want to me. i can take it

i guess i don't think about Sam At Stanford all that much really? before and after for sure, but college life is boring. cannot imagine why sam wanted that so bad 💔

i do generally think he would have felt very out of place there, though. he comes from a background so wildly different from the average student: i think there would have been a lot of jealousy and yearning as he made friends and learned about the lives they got to live, basic things which were so unavailable to him. he probably would have been angry about this for a while, and it likely would have kept him distant from people. humans seek connection and we do that through shared experiences; if sam has none of those shared experiences, he would naturally be alienated from the average person, even if just subconsciously and unintentionally.

i also prefer the version of canon where sam graduated from high school at 19 and is entering his 4th year of college in the pilot, which can tack on some latent shame and humiliation about being older than his peers, especially when he's had such different life experiences from them.

i like to think that in his first year at stanford, there was some kind of small haunting on campus (or equally low-risk hunt), and sam decided to take care of it—not like he can exactly ignore it when it's on campus, after all. he gets hurt in the process and can't help but miss dean and john, and he's never felt more alone in his life than at that moment. it's important to me that he spends his first year in college standing on a cliff's edge, trying to ignore the abyss below him as he struggles to fit into society (the abyss is hunting, the abyss is family). one wrong move will send him hurtling over the edge and right back into the place he fought so hard to escape. it's stressful and agonizing because he knows he doesn't belong here but he can't go back, and it rips him apart and this low-grade, routine hunt is almost enough to send him falling into the abyss. i want it to hurt.

ultimately i think sam's experience at stanford was a challenge to him, one that forced him to realize just how little he actually knew about a "normal" life, the kind he'd only ever seen from the outside. the show seems to imply that most of sam's positive strides occurred as the result of demonic intervention (such as brady introducing sam to jessica), and so it brings me great joy to imagine him really, really struggling to fit in and find a life outside of hunting—possibly to the extent that he wouldn't have been able to at all if he'd been left to his own devices. obviously he wasn't an outcast at school, but i favor an interpretation that most of his social circle was because of demons like brady interfering in sam's life. the kid's awkward and doesn't know how to throw away his trash, okay. he's not cut out for a normal life.

also i think he brought something of dean's with him to school. a shirt that he wore regularly, maybe. a trinket. their shared toothbrush. it probably made acclimation harder, but he desperately needed the comfort when he was alone and wanting. he's never been farther than a few feet from dean at any point in his life, and suddenly dean is all the way across the country and his dorm room is far too big and cavernous, like it'll swallow him whole. and he misses his big brother.

#supernatural #sam winchester #sam #me: i don't think about stanford era much #also me: #whatever i know i'm long winded. i've accepted this about me #i just want sam to be lonely and sad and struggling. that's probably the most normal college experience you can have anyway #let's be real #.txt #the winchester gospel #ask #spn posting

[dodgeryy]

This blog is dedicated to neurodiversity and mental health, specifically personality disorders and even MORE specifically cluster B. I love using this blog to connect with others like me, reblog and share their experiences, and try to bring light-hearted PD content into our communities. I personally do not post vents on my blog, but I do take care to properly tag them when I post/reblog them. I also post the occasional fandom / chronic illness / disability post here and there as well as ofc cute animals and funny hahas.

ASKS / DMs / SUBMISSIONS OPEN AND ENCOURAGED!

I am an adult! Minors are free to interact/follow/moot but please note the nature of my content.

Some posts may have themes of trauma, child hood trauma, psychosis/mania, depression, anxiety, and paranoia. I tag as best I can, and don't ever get graphic. Feel free to ask for specific trigger tags if you are a follower.

DIVAS. I am Ery, I am known 4 dressing cunt and acting like cunt. I am a big fan of the whimsical and fantastical, and media that is horrifying and gut wrenching. The waters call to me and every time I see anything bigger than a puddle I want to jump in.

I am a college student student w impulse control problems. I am studying fashion design and like to spend my money on calico critters and way too expensive accessories. You can find me in my sewing studio half naked because I realized there is a cute, easy, life changing alteration to the outfit I was wearing that I need to make RIGHT NOW. I spend my free time buying things to feel something, video gaming, and being not normal about many things.

My go to coffee order is a mocha.

Gay gay insane and disabled so here are some labels / disorders I got.

Genderqueer • aroace • lesbian

AuDHD • NPD • BPD • OCD

POTs • Pectus Excavatum • Connective Tissue Disorders • Mitral Valve disease

HERE ARE MY HOBBIES

Sewing / designing

Dungeons and Dragons

Character design / drawing

Arts and crafts in general

Color guard

Astrology / Tarot

Yearning for the waters (swimming and lifeguarding)

SPECIAL INTERESTS

Airplanes / aviation

How to train your dragon (books)

Dungeons and Dragons

MEDIA I HAVE PLAYED/WATCHED

These are not all current but does not mean I am not down 2 chat about them!

Greys Anatomy

LoL/Arcane

JJBA

Hades

Gemini Home Entertainment, other internet horror series!!!,

madoka magica

HTTYD(animated)

Harry Potter

PjO

good omens

critical role + Vox Machina

and a lot more I forgor but like. There.

MUSIC ARTISTS I LURV

Saint Motel

Oingo Boingo

Orville Peck

Cake

Record Heat

Lord Huron

TV Girl

Bjork

Florence + the Machine

Portugal the Man

#cluster b #personality disorder #pwpd #npd #bpd #actually narcissistic #actually borderline #mental health #nuerodiverse #npd safe

[anonymous-dee]

Ranpo! Is! Autistic Coded!

Hear me out! I definitely think Ranpo from BSD is Autistic coded! It only occurred to me during my second watch-through but a lot of his mannerisms actually match up a lot with my own experiences as someone with ASD! :0

I found a whole article explaining a lot of different things that make him Autistic coded so I'll link it here! But I'll also make a TLDR version too in case the link doesn't work!

BASICALLY!

1.Infodumping/Overtalking

2.Missing tons of social cues

3.Obliviousness in many situations

4.Not understanding/feeling/expressing emotions the same as others

5.Comfort objects and stimming

6.Meltdowns

7.Sensory issues (especially with clothing)

8.Hand flapping

9."Childish" or unusual interests/hyperfixations

I love him so much! (Even though Akutagawa is my ultimate favorite character)! I would love to elaborate on the points made above but the article does a better job than me!

UPDATE!! I JUST STARTED WATCHING SEASON 4 SO UNDERNEATH HERE WILL BE S4 SPOILERS!!! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!

So based off of all of the Ranpo LORE revealed in the first episode his Autism beams are stronger than ever because HEAR ME OUT!!!

So it's revealed that Ranpo always gets perceived as childish even when he doesn't wish to be perceived that way (I know he's 14 but he says something along the lines of like "Here we go again, getting treated like a child") which is something many people with Autism (me included) have to deal with from our NT peers

AND! Not to mention the particular eating habits from when Fukuzawa was taking him out to eat red bean bowls with mochi in them and he didn't eat any of the mochi (in any of the 20 bowls)

AAAAAND! This is the spiciest part! It was revealed that Ranpo kept getting fired from jobs because of how blunt he was with the truth and how he would easily confront his superiors about their past or their crimes! It's so hard for many Autistic people to keep a job oftentimes because many of us don't understand social cues!

Another thing was that Ranpo automatically assumed that all of the tiny details he noticed were common knowledge and that everyone was on the same page as him, when in actuality he was noticing things that nobody else had yet to pick up on!

There were many other moments where Ranpo either didn't pick up on social cues or said/acted in ways that were out of pocket or not "normal" if that makes sense, and it only strengthens the argument that Ranpo is Autistic coded!

FUKUZAWA IS SUCH A NICE ADOPTIVE FATHER TO HIM OKAY AAAAH I'M ONLY ONE EPISODE IN BUT LITERALLY I LOVE RANPO SO MUCH! HE JUST LIKE ME FR FR

OKAY SO ANOTHER EDIT/UPDATE!

IN EPISODE 2 RANPO SAYS SOMETHING VERY DISTINCT AND APPLICABLE TO MOST PEOPLE WITH AUTISM AND IT WAS THAT "There's something that everyone else gets that I don't"

And then he has a small meltdown in the theater and you can clearly see people are starting to stare if you look closely

I literally relate to him so much so much so much

IN EPISODE 3, Ranpo also notes that he can't pay attention to things he has no interest in, which is something I personally really struggle with (especially as a college student RIP)

I'm not 100% sure if his breakdown at the end of episode 3 would constitute as something that should be added to this list, but I think it's noteworthy because I myself have also had similar meltdowns that went very similar to Ranpo's and I want to mention it.

I know I keep expanding this list as I find more and more content but somehow Ranpo's existence and the way he is unanimously respected and loved by the ADA is somehow really validating and comforting to me at the same time. I know BSD is fiction but somehow I see myself in Ranpo and yearn to be loved in the way that he is by all of his friends.

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #bungou sd #edogawa ranpo imagines #ranpo edogawa #ranpo bsd #bsd hcs #bungou stray dogs headcanon #asd #anime #autism

[sunsetstarving]

yooo ty for answering!! and not to give you the same platitudes that ur probably getting from everyone else but it's so okay to go at your own speed!! my friends at community have rlly benefited from being eased into the college experience like you, learning what they want to do and getting used to the class format before moving all the way out.

how is comp sci!! im jealous as hell of computer science kids since so many of them start from nothing in college and come out with tons of knowledging and well paying jobs HAH

you ARE intelligent and hardworking and if colleges do not recognize it then they are stupid as hell. you deserve it

of course!! and tbh i haven't heard this directly for a hot minute so this is actually really reassuring. many of my friends are also going to community college--online and irl--and we've had the same conversations but i have definitely had to like. constantly remember it's like. normal and low cost and not something people will care about unless they are people i don't need to care about yk?

it really has been so cool to get all this experience before i even go to uni of how to interact in classroom settings and what assignments look like and how they vary, it rlly has eased a lot of the stress i had initially of WHAT IF I DIE BECAUSE I CAN'T TALK TO PEOPLE so it!! yeah!! not to toot their horn but community college is pretty great (i also appreciate how many ppl from all these different walks of life there are in all my classes it honestly is so swag)

and compsci is RIDICULOUSLY fun; like i love the social aspect of it the most bc i was learning html and css in hs but i was kind of doing that alone, no classes, you know, so going here and then finding out ppl are having the exact same struggles w things and love complaining like me and yet also love the things they are making and how cool they are? that is community man. i AM still struggling about joining clubs though because i'm like, i know i gotta do it for a better look for colleges but also What if I Am Bad At It. eternal struggle. side note there is also a queer club and like. shoots it with laser eyes of yearning

also :') thank you!! it means a whole lot coming from you considering we have now known each other like. a solid While

#asks #maya tag #it'll be another two years after this but i'll keep you posted on uni!! fingers crossed and best of efforts etc

[dimplecki]

Tides are turning

Masterlist

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Fem!hunter, Sam winchester X Fem!hunter 

Rating: R (violence, death, language, light smut)

Summary: When Sam died the first time, Dean brought him back to life. He didn't tell me about the deal he made with that demon until Sam forced him to tell me. We all knew that Dean only had one year left to live, and we all tried to prevent that from happening. The second time Sam was attacked by a demon close to Lilith and fought against it. he lost. 

One year after Sam’s mysterious death weird things are happening and I realize things are not as they seem.

Authors Note: this story takes place post season 3(with the exceptional flashbacks to the past), difference being Sam died and Dean never went to hell. we experience the story through the eyes a female hunter who went to Stanford with Sam and joined Sam and Dean in their revenge quest after jess’s death.     she is Deans girlfriend but there are things happening with Sam as well.

Introduction

My name is Diana Beck. You can call me Dee. I am 26 years old and currently live in Springfield, Philadelphia.

Maybe I'm better known as Dean Winchester's girlfriend.

Dean and I have been dating for over a year, and we live together in a two story house.

I really love Dean. He's my best friend, the best lover I've ever had, and we were meant to be together or whatever other nonsense you want to call it.

And Dean loves me more than I love him.

It's a little scary, because since his brother's death, Dean just doesn't love.

But when the yellow-eyed demon intervened, everything fell apart. Sam abandoned Stanford, abandoned me, and went to seek revenge with his brother.

Sam's death was not the only death of a loved one I experienced in my short life. My hunter father died when I was 18, and I cut ties with my mother when I left home and went to college.

I met Sam four years ago, at Stanford University.

We were the best of friends, two weirdo hunters in an academy of normals. We recognized the signs in each other, and connected immediately.

We always had deep feelings for each other, both when he had Jessica and when I became Dean's girlfriend. But it was complicated.

Things got better when he found Jessica, he really felt like he was happy and found his place. 

When Sam died the first time, Dean brought him back to life. 

I didn't give up on him, I followed him on his journey, and that's actually how I got to know Dean. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with him. And Sam watched from the sidelines, grieving, lost, yearning for revenge for the death of his lover, the death of his future.

It took a while but he finally accepted that I was hunting with them, and eventually understood that Dean and I were together.

But it doesn't matter now.

December 15th will be the anniversary of his death.

He didn't tell me about the deal he made with that demon until Sam forced him to tell me. We all knew that Dean only had one year left to live, and we all tried to prevent that from happening.

The second time Sam was attacked by a demon close to Lilith and fought against it. he lost.

In the first few months, I had to stop Dean all too often from trying to bring Sam back to life. He would run away from my watch, trying to make deals with demons, summoning witches, performing dark spells and what not. I knew that if he succeeded, it meant that he himself would die.

I looked after him twenty-four hours a day, we fought, shouted and cried, until he realized he had to give up.

Dean has lost everything he has. One after the other, and it just kept getting worse.

Even if I could, I would never want to fathom the amount of pain that Dean went through in his life. And what's more, I'll never be able to understand how he just got back on his feet and went on living. I think it was, mainly, thanks to his brother.

Sam's death, that was what broke him.

Dean cried. Oh yes, tough, strong, not emotional Dean cried, for days and weeks.

This was not the Dean that everyone knew, and they were afraid - no one knows how to comfort the inconsolable.

So they all just disappeared. Everyone except me.

I was the one who stood next to him at the funeral, following with my gaze at the tears that flowed from his gorgeous green eyes. He refused to burn Sam’s body so we buried him a beautiful green field next to Bobby’s house.

I was the one sleeping next to him in bed in the days that followed.

I remember that sometimes Dean would get up and go to the kitchen so that I wouldn't wake up as he tried to drink himself to death.

And when I woke up, I would follow him down the stairs after a few minutes, and he would soak my shoulders with tears and unnecessary questions of "what if?"

I just ran my fingers through his hair and kept quiet.

And then the nightmares began. A lot of nightmares. He would moan and call Sam's name every night, along with mumbling apologies and self-loathing. I never told him that. I didn't think it was necessary.

I would just cling to him long enough for him to wake up with heavy breathing. After a few seconds he would tighten his arms around me, and I would listen to the rapid rhythm of his heartbeat until he calmed down again and fell asleep.

Things have changed now. Dean no longer has nightmares, and he doesn't cry.

He didn't cry when Jo died, he didn't cry when Bella was dragged to Hell, where he was supposed to be.

He was too busy finding the same demon that killed Sam and killing it himself. He is still busy with it.

Dean also stopped loving. He stopped trusting people but himself. He shut himself up and only himself.

Like old Dean, only worse.

Chapter 1

That's why the fact that he loves me so much is a little scary.

I guess he's just afraid of losing me too.

It's 8:30 in the morning and Dean is driving me to work in his black Impala.

My part-time job, what I do besides hunting demons and spirits is taking and editing photos for the local newspaper. I'm pretty good at it, to be honest.

"Hey, Dee," Dean said as he drove.

"Yes?" I answered, flipping through the photos of the soccer player I took yesterday.

"Are you going to work late tonight?" He asked.

"No." I replied curtly and added, "Why?"

Dean didn't answer. The truth is I know exactly why. Today is the 14th of December.

“I'll be home by five thirty." I added softly as Dean parked the car. I leaned close to him and kissed him a little longer than the usual ‘bye’ kiss, just to show him I was here. I knew he would understand. That's what I love about us - we have our own ways of understanding each other. without words.

"Bye, baby." He said quietly and I got out of the car towards the building where my office is. My office was on the third floor out of seven, and it was small but comfortable. The walls were painted light purple and there was a picture of me, Dean and Sam on the desk, drinking beers and smiling. Happier days. I placed my things on the table and sat in my chair. Today I have to edit the photos I took yesterday. 

I hardly had time to turn on the computer and the door was already opened.

 "Good morning," said Ben. Ben is my co-worker, and a good friend of mine.

"Morning." I replied. 

Ben leaned forward on my desk. "What do we have today?" he asked with a smile. I never understood how he could be happy in the morning.

"Some pictures of the soccer player, what's his name. And editing." I sighed. I didn't have much patience for work today. I wondered how Dean was.

"Great. Coffee?" He handed me a cup of coffee in addition to the one he had in his hand.

"Thanks, Ben." I smiled at him gratefully and took the cup, sipping it slowly. 2 coffee, half sugar. Just the way I like it. I took my camera and took a picture of Ben sipping his coffee, without him noticing. I like to take pictures like this - secret, completely random; of the people I love.

"So what are your plans for the weekend?" Ben asked with a mischievous grin, as if he had something to offer up his sleeve.

"Nothing." I answered. "And I'm not going to plan anything either." I said, canceling his offer before he even offered it.

His face fell a little flat and he raised his eyebrow. "Why?"

I took another sip of the coffee. "Tomorrow is the anniversary of Sam's death." I answered slowly.

"And that means that...?"

"That means me and Dean are going to sit at home all day and drink our feelings away."

"Charming."

"Yes."I didn't show my feelings surrounding Sam's death to Ben. Although my heart almost threatened to explode with grief. I just don't like showing emotions very much. But some people just read me. People like Ben, Dean, and Sam.Dean reads me best. Sam was right after him on the list. I glanced over to watch a frozen-in-time Sam smiling at me from the framed photo. I felt my eyes water and I swallowed hard, trying to ignore the lump at my throat. Ben leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. It was a good, comforting feeling. I smiled a little.

"So, what are your plans? Another wild dance party until morning?" I asked.

Ben shook his head. "No. Drake is a douchebag. He wants to stay at the office for the weekend. That's why I wanted you to come with me."

Ben is gay. a complete loss for women kind. Raven black hair, blue eyes and a body to die for. One sweet dimple on his left cheek. eye candy. 

"Ow," I chuckled. "Looks like the party animal is going to stay home and watch gay porn all night."

"Ha-ha."

_

I opened the door to mine and Dean's house at a quarter to seven. Dean was on the couch, watching TV and eating pizza. I smiled.

"Thanks for waiting for my dinner, honey." I said sarcastically.

"Yeah, thanks for being late." He called out to me.

I walked towards the couch and sat next to him. He was watching some kind of drama series about a hospital. typical.

"Sorry Babe. I was hungry." He added softly. When I could clearly see his face, I noticed a large, swollen bruise under his left eye and another small wound under his lip. I wasn’t surprised. This happened often. 

"Who did we fight today?" I asked.

"She was a ghost," he said, spitting out food as he did so. "A teen girl."

I laughed. "A little girl beat you up."

"She was 15!" He defended himself. "And she was taller than you."

I rested my head on his shoulder. He got the hint and raised his hand so I could lean on his chest and he wrapped his arm around me in a warm hug. I took a pizza slice from the two he left for me from the entire tray. He ate everything else.

"How do you manage to eat so much and stay so fit? You don't even go to the gym. Tell me the secret."

"It’s the constant fear and near death experiences, keeps me young.” we both laughed, light hearted but with a slight weird edge to it. “You don't need to lose weight. You're so hot the way you are." he said, running his fingers through my hair."

You meant to say 'beautiful'."

"Obviously." 

We stayed like that in front of the TV for quite some time, talking about nothing. We didn't talk about Sam. We postponed it  as much as possible. I gave up and went to bed before Dean. He said he would come soon. I lay on my back with my eyes open towards the ceiling. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until Dean came. Usually this wasn't a big problem. Tonight is yes.

I stayed like that for a while until Dean came in, drops of water dripping from his hair.He climbed onto his side of the bed and I turned to him, the white of his eyes standing out in the darkness. I saw everything in them, and I didn't like what I saw. 

"Don't let it take you away again, Dean." I said in a whisper, touching his face lightly. He closed his eyes.

"I won't," he replied. It could not be put off any longer. "Even if I did, you'd be here to slap me in the face and tell me to pull myself together, wouldn't you?" He smiled but it was not a pleasant smile. 

I remembered Sam's smile. He had a wonderful smile, the kind of smiles that light you up from the inside and melt you completely. That smile died along with Sam. I missed him so much. I nodded and leaned forward a little, kissing Dean’s soft lips. I could feel the wound on the side of his lip.

"Good night, Dee." he whispered.

"Good night." I replied, and we both fell asleep in this position, only a breath away from each other.

That night Dean called Sam's name in his sleep again.

-

(...I left my third film class and walked slowly down the Stanford halls, heading out onto the lawn.

It was my first week at university, my first attempt at living a normal life. I wasn't going to give up the hunting life, but I really liked taking pictures, and I wanted to feel what it was like to live like everyone else, and not like a freak of nature.

Although most of the time I felt out of place and stressed, I hoped it would get better.

I sat down on the grass and skimmed over the notes I had written in class, but I was in no mood for learning anymore.

I took my camera out of my bag and observed my surroundings. I took casual pictures; A student reading a book, girls who chattered and laughed, a bird looking for food crumbs in the grass.

I looked back at the student I had photographed. He was sitting a few feet away from me on the lawn reading a law textbook.

For some reason he seemed interesting to me. He had bright turquoise eyes and slightly messy brown hair. He seems disconnected from the environment, but it is evident that he feels comfortable where he is.

Suddenly he looked up and looked at me, as if he felt that I was staring at him. I looked away almost immediately; I didn't want to look weird already in my first week.

After a few seconds I looked at him again, just to make sure he wasn't too weirded-out. He was already back reading the book, smiling to himself as he did.

He had that smile. Really bright, like it could light up a room.  If there is something I liked about people, especially men, it was their smiles.

I smiled to myself and went back to reviewing my notes, not really concentrating on them anymore.)

#spn fanfic #dean x reader #sam x reader #supernatural fanfiction #winchester fanfiction #female hunter #female perspective #Fem!hunter

[zenaidamacrouras1]

Oooh, ask game! I am also looking for distractions, yet cannot focus enough to get absorbed in anything, so let's go! (Obviously only answer as much or as little of this as you feel like):

I feel like I've read your answers to most of the actual asks before. Maybe not 🪄?

I'd love to request Bishova ficlets, but have no prompts to offer.

You mentioned reading up on experiences of recognizing one's orientation later in life - were there any stories that especially stayed with you, or any common threads that surprised you?

What to share any thoughts on Becca's post-US life?

Yes after I posted it I realized I may have posted it already. And yay distractions!

what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

Oh my gosh. Well Unpredictable Synchronicity has been my most popular fic by far so reading the comments and replying has been a nice way to fill their weirdness. It's definitely a big nervous energy! I do write my author's notes with random reflections and try to be reflect in how I grew with the fic.

You mentioned reading up on experiences of recognizing one's orientation later in life - were there any stories that especially stayed with you, or any common threads that surprised you?

This won't surprise anyone but there is a lot of shame around virginity which is awful. I was a bit of a late bloomer and didn't kiss anyone till my second semester of college (and then got mono/Epstein Barr from the first person I kissed, fucking classic) and I was very anxious about my sexual inexperience to the point that I had panic attacks (this was in a soup with US Evangelical Purity culture which I am a survivor of that - like 1. Why haven't I had sexual experiences am I unlovable and 2. If I have sexual experiences I am an unlovable monster)(lalala).

So I really like exploring virginity in my fics because it is so vulnerable and it's a lovely fun thing to write first times. The thing I learned when I was in my sluttier phase is that some people are better at kissing and sex than others and experience is not always a factor in that. ANYWAY! That's not what you asked.

So my favorite stories where very much like Steve's which were like "I never really let myself think about sex for (life reasons and/or because I was queer) and then I started yearning for it and was really nervous and now I feel really good about my sex life" - some of these people were 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 etc when they acknowledged that part of themselves, which is both very sad because usually it's because they were queer and closeted but also lovely they found this new source of joy! That's what I was looking for - examples of people who had for various reasons ignored their sexuality because that's how I pictured Steve and I wanted to see first hand examples of that.

I didn't want it to be like Bucky was so handsome he magically gave Steve a sexuality but more like Steve is finally in a place where he can go to a hierarchy of needs beyond survival, and also in a place where he can be more subconsciously comfortable acknowledging that he finds men attractive, and he starts to be curious about the sexual side of himself.

So to make sure I wasn't falling into that cliche I wanted to read about real people who had a similar arc.

Bucky is coincidentally nearby and very interesting to Steve as he starts to slowly realize his body maybe isn't just for fighting Nazis. I think if Bucky hadn't turned up Steve would have dated someone else and still come out of the closet because he was going down that rabbit hole.

Another trend is I wish more people had the asexual label available to them as many stories to me read as Ace (aka lots of stories like I am 40 and never had sex and honestly don't care or want to am I broken? No you aren't!). Like we need to acknowledge that sex is not the only interesting thing in life and it's really normal if people don't do it or rarely do.

Another trend is obviously lookism, and people saying they aren't conventionally attractive enough to attract a partner which is a whole thing I want to acknowledge but don't have the spoons to write about because waaaahhh the world sucks.

A last trend is sexual trauma. I have a friend who had a lot of severe sexual trauma and no interest in sex. Her first husband was asexual which was a great fit for her. But they divorced and now she is trying to find her place in that and her sexuality with a new partner who she is shocked to realize she wants to have sex with in her early 40s but her body is also terrified of sex so it's a whole thing.

Anyway, to me sex is like food. People build shrines to food and get really into it, and honestly I do not know why it's so boring. I fucking hate cooking and find eating a chore. Except when I don't. I occasionally enjoy a really good meal. I love Thai but don't really feel sad if I go a year without eating it.

So that is seen as fairly normal re: food, but people who feel a similar ambivalence towards sex are seen as really missing out and I think that is dumb.

This is a VERY long way of answering your question but those were some of the themes.

What to share any thoughts on Becca's post-US life?

I think Becca stays single for a long time. I kept trying to imagine her with different partners and none of them stuck. She has a great career and awesome friends and she and Bucky stay roommates and Bucky and Steve split their time between the Tower and Bucky's house for pretty much forever.

#writer ask game #writer thoughts #writer asks #Ask games #zenaida talks (too much) #Sex is very complicated

[experiencesthroughliterature]

Speak, Okinawa

Speak, Okinawa, speaks about the author's experience being a mixed girl who's mother is Japanese and whos Father was American. In the story, Elizabeth explains how she never felt connected to her mother. In fact, it seems that she almost resented her for not being able to fit in properly, and making her feel like an outcast. She felt as if when people made fun of her mother, they made fun of a part of her, since she could not leave her obviously Asian mixed appearance. Elizabeth had actually taken a liking and preferred spending time with her Father. Eventually, She actually discovers a side of her father that she never knew before, and a side of her mother that made her closer to her.

Most recently, and I am talking about a few days ago, I can relate to this and I feel exactly the same way, with different context. I've always had quarrels with my mother. As an asian as well, I never wished to disappoint my parents, and tried my best to be a good girl. I obeyed my mother lots, and everything she said had an impact on me, lots of it which ripped my heart out. There were many times I yearned to understand her, because it seemed like we could just never do that. She had trouble speaking and communicating her feelings. I think this was because of the way she grew up. Being shy, introverted, reserved and also well behaved, she never got the opportunity to rebel or to say out her thoughts. With me, growing up in America, I was free to express my ideas more openly with the people around me. Actually, in America, it has become a modern social expectant to improve oneself, and that includes speaking up for oneself, communicating your thoughts clearly, and trying to solve problems (like generational trauma).

And so, I never felt close to my mom. Our conversations were always brief, and on the outside only. I felt like there was no connection like a normal American mother and daughter would have.

I compared my friend's mother to mine at one point. His parents had both grown up in the State, and had more Americanized ideas of socialization and bonding. Visiting their house, I met his mom and she had interacted with me so friendly, so welcoming, and so freely. She had asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her one day, which was something I felt like my mom would never do. That day I broke down. I had wished my mother was everything like his. And that day I started to resent my own mother for not loving me the same way.

In similarity to Speak, Okinawa, I also had preferred my father because of this same reason. He had gone to college, and was more accustomed to American ideals and their way of socialization. As an American born Asian, all I knew of was the American way. I felt that my dad was the only one who could understand me.

But recently, my mom and I had an emotional and intimate talk. For the first time, I couldnt even believe it. But she talked to me, and for once I thought I realized that I had never knew her at all. That For the first time I was understanding her. And secondly, I learned that my father was not everything that I thought him out to be.

It was an eye changing moment, and I think my relationship with both my parents have changed drastically, mostly with my mother.

This was the day before she had left to visit Vietnam. I found out that all this time, she had loved me, in her own way, but with difficulty expressing it in the way that I had wanted her to.

Before she had left the car to go into the airport, my mother had said "Thank you for everything." For listening to her story and her heart. "For what?" I asked almost out of nothing but pure curiosity.

Now, when I look at her, when I get to see her in our facetime calls, suddenly she's like a different person from what I knew. We had the mother and daughter connection that I had always wanted, but even more.

Like Speak, Okinawa, I felt like I've experienced the exact realization as the author did. Its crazy how much you would never know about a person until one day they reveal it to you. Its crazy how we can judge someone but there are limitations to their expression due to the difference in social norms or how they grew up.

For me, it opened my eyes that not everything is what it seems. From the worst to the best, there might always be something like a hard nut that has to be slowly cracked and peeled to reveal the inner truth of it all.

Lisa Le, substitute for 2 (500 word) posts

[stayinlimbo]

Limbo's Fic Recs

this list is a collection of my all time faves. please message me if you want your fic taken down or if a link does not work.

disclaimers: (1) some works are nsfw so minors dni. (2) i will be providing limbo thoughts after the recommendations but they are by no means meant to characterize anyone else's experience. (3) i am not modifying the warnings/descriptions the authors put themselves.

last updated ⇢ 25.5.24 | * ⇢ limbo thoughts | newest fics in blue

bang chan

Pieces of you | fluff, angst, singledad!chris, mutual pining, neigbors!au. (wc: 8.7k) @astraystayyh

* ⇢ omfg sahar is one of the best writers i've ever come across in my entire life. i beg of anyone who comes across this rec list to please check out her masterlist.*

No Contact | angst with a happy ending, amnesia, memory loss, grief, pining, yearning, hurt/comfort. (wc: 7.6k) @dreaming-medium

* ⇢ i'm crying. you made me cry. this fic was so heart-wrenchingly beautiful . all the emotions and what-ifs and longing and love and just everything blended so seamlessly together.*

the innocence is gone | smut, virgin!chan, experienced!reader. (wc: 15k) @/straykeedz

* ⇢ jail. right now. this fic had no right to be so good. we love to see healthy communication and preparation and just overall an amazing relationship*

dimple | fluff, humor, hurt/comfort, college!au, fuckboy!chris, boys being boys, kissing, implied sex. (wc: 2.8k) @/forlix

* ⇢ huh?! HUH HUHUHUHUHUHUHHUHH??????????????????? i'm supposed to be normal after reading this. i'm supposed to act as a functional human being?????? impossible. anyway, this was so cute and funny and like the tiniest bit sad but like so cute and funny. i love chan's growth and how his friends' are just happy for him (as they should be, real ones fs)*

series

queenmaker | ninth member au, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love. (ongoing) @kangaracha

* ⇢ i had never read a 9th member au before but wowowowowow i love this one so so much*

Breathe, and Live | fluff, slight angst, slice of life, single parent!au (completed) @blossom-hwa

* ⇢ I love this author's works so much omg please go read this heartwarming series. I'm going to put her skz masterlist here because she's just such an amazing writer*

lee minho

lee minho fic recs

* ⇢ His rec list got so long that I had to make a separate one. please forgive me (i'm not sorry <3)

seo changbin

how to tame a prince | dragon prince!changbin, fantasy/royal au, enemies-to-lovers. (wc: 11.6k) @/luvknow

* ⇢ grinning from ear to ear because of this fic. i don't read changbin fics as often as i should (i need to read more). the world-building is so cool too*

Burning in the winter wind | romcom vibes, (fake) enemies to lovers, fluff. (wc: 4.4k) @/astraystayyh

* ⇢ spare me please. i beg of you. i keep getting hit with arrows to my heart*

hwang hyunjin

summer strike | strangers to lovers, found family, comfort fic, heavily inspired by the kdrama. (wc: 23k) @soobnny

* ⇢ i feel so warm inside, so why are tears leaking out of my eyes. this fic is so so so so good, please give it a read*

The snow falls, we fall apart | roommates to lovers, angst, hurt/comfort, slow burn, longing. (wc: 13k) @/astraystayyh

* ⇢ don't look at me right now please i haven't even been able to give my full review on this masterpiece yet i'm sorry*

ace | college!au, sports!au, fake enemies to friends to lovers, fluff, humor, hurt/comfort, slice of life, mutual pining, slow burn. (wc: 15.2k) @forlix

* ⇢ haikyuu inspired, uh don't mind if i do. seriously though, banger after banger after banger. i still haven't had time to give a review on this one either i'm sorryyyyy.*

half-dead romance | fluff, friends to lovers au, romance. (wc: 10.2k) @/hanibalistic

* ⇢ awkljakjrfnkanfjane ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. hmm this fic might've made me feel something but yk it's anyone's guess*

wherever you are | childhood best friends to lovers, slowburn, pining, fluff, angst, suggestive. (wc: 12.9k) @hyunverse

* ⇢ oooooooohhhhhh the angst is angsting but it's so cute why am i feeling so muchhhhhhhhhh. i, once again, apologize for the lack of review, for i have not had time. im sorry :((((((*

off-limits | best friends brother trope, one room trope, angst, fluff. (wc: 15.4k) @/hwangism143

* ⇢ via, pookie, if you ever feel insecure about your writing again, slide into my dms, my asks, reply to a comment, do literally anything and i will make you understand how good of a writer you are. i was hooked onto every word PLEASE I LOVED IT SO MUCH*

series

all for nothing | strangers to lovers, grad school au, fluff, angst, smut. (completed) @/hyunfilms

* ⇢ mmm, this series is so nice. i had a really good time reading it. the sweetness felt extra sweet*

han jisung

Volcano | enemies to lovers, slow burn, fluff, angst. (wc: 13.2k) @/astraystayyh

* ⇢ sahar you can't escape my praise. this is such a great rendition of han jisung. i loved each of the characters' developments and their natural progression in their relationship. enemies to lovers (in my opinion) is such a hard trope to get right and she nailed it*

parallel lines | best friends au, unrequited love au, angst. (wc: 1.3k) @/withleeknow

* ⇢ this is such, how do i even say it? realistic? it's not like coming of age but it feels like it in just over one-thousand words. fun fact: the first thing i ever posted on my tumblr was a reblog of this work*

We Have Each Other | one bed trope, fluff, university au, acquaintances to friends to lovers. (wc: 5k) @skzonthebrain

* ⇢ excuse me for just one moment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AWFAEFGWFLAAKUWBJHFBAHWOIAO. okay i'm back :). this fic was great and had me giggle while kicking my feet*

In Bloom | childhood friends au, angst, fluff, songwriter!jisung, florist!reader. (wc: 13.2k) @/godslino

* ⇢ i've said it before and i'll say it again: ina has it out for me i swear. my heart can't take it (yes it can) and idk what to do (reread again and again). they're in love but mc's reactions are so understandable and it hurts but it's cute and all the feelings :((((((((. another masterpiece written by ina <3*

chemical infatuation | yandere au. patient!jisung x researcher!reader. (wc: 3.5k) @hanjisick

* ⇢ i had never really given yandere aus i chance before, but i REALLY liked this one it was so good*

series

young god | serial killer!au. (wc: 87.5k total) @maatryoshkaa

* ⇢ read the warnings for each chapter!!!! this series is amazing but covers dark topics that may be triggering. there is a series trailer (video) but be cautious since there is some disturbing imagery. everything is so well put together and cohesive*

Let's Fall in Love, IRL | smau, crack, angst, fluff, non!idol au, pen pals to lovers, friend of a friend to lovers. (wc: 24k+) (sc: 324) @/feelbokkie

* ⇢ first bokkie series i was able to read from when it first released to completion. each upload had me hanging on the edge of my seat. i love this series, the couple is so cute*

sea may rise, sky may fall | pirate au!, minsung x reader, smut, angst. (ongoing with weekly updates) @/skzms

* ⇢ so what i put this series in both members' fic recs. sue me, it's just that good. limbo thoughts are in minho's series list*

lee felix

felix navidad | strangers (to friends) to lovers, Christmas Evel!au, fluff, angst. (wc: 16.4k) @candlewaxandp0lar0ids

* ⇢ i feel so happy every time i read this. it's so perfect and cute. the touch on the heavier topics is also handled very well*

everything has changed (besides myself) | babysitter!au, girldad!lix, toothrotting fluff, angst, exes to lovers, hurt/comfort, happy ending, non-linear storyline. (wc: 5.4k) @/forlix

* ⇢ my heart whyyyyyyyyyy. permanent tears have built up into my eyes because of this fic*

kim seungmin

eighteen | best friends to lovers, college au, slow burn, angst, fluff. (wc: 19.8k) @/soobnny

* ⇢ one of the first seungmin fics i read, i love it so much. i feel like this is a classic on this side of stayblr*

(Don't) Like You a Latte | Cafe AU with a hint of a college AU, fluff. (wc: 8.3k) @getcooler

* ⇢ i have this tumblr's user memorized because i lost this fic once and could not find it again for months. never again. it's so adorable and the banter is great.*

In my dreams | (Fake) enemies to lovers, angst, hurt/comfort, slow burn. (wc: ~4.5k) @/astraystayyh

* ⇢ i'm not crying, you are. i love this work so much omg. i'm fighting air from the cuteness*

how he would take care of you during shark week | established relationship, fluff; menstruation pain, he's a softie. (wc: 599) @/withleeknow

* ⇢ :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( me rn but like in a cute way. this was so cute and ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i just loved it*

dim lights (work nights) | workplace romance, fluff, teensy angst. (wc: 1.2k) @hwangism143

* ⇢ i need more lore on seungmin, via you can't keep me hanging like this wdym????? okay with that out of the way, VIA THIS WAS SO SCRUMPTIOUS like wtf (lovingly)*

the art of cuddling | fluff, smut, friends to lovers. (wc: 1.1k) @athforskz

* ⇢ hmmmmmm, this was so good, hmmmmmm, hmmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmm, i'm feeling a lot right now, hmmmmm,

hot & cold | fluff. established relationship au. (wc: 1.2k) @wooahaes

* ⇢ ahhhhhhhh hold on i'm savoring the feeling of just how adorable this was. katy perry could never. okay, in all seriousness, this work was cute and fun and i just love it so much. *

yang jeongin

blue dream | smut, explicit sexual content, fluff. (wc: 6.1k) @charmercharm3r

* ⇢ this fic...i think about it every once in a while...maybe a little more often than i should*

24 to 25 - one, two | fluff, angst, childhood friends to lovers, christmas. (wc: 47.7k total) @awooghan

* ⇢ im smiling as i'm writing this because i just reread this two-shot. it's soooooooooo cute omg "stay for christmas" :((((((*

series

Sorry, I Love You | smau, crack, angst, fluff, non!idol au, friends to lovers, unrequited love, will they, won’t they dynamic, abusive relationship, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, emotional/psychological abuse. (ongoing) @/feelbokkie

* ⇢ this one, ah, this one is a little too good at what it does. read the warnings just in case they are triggering because i have felt immense rage at a specific character (this is meant to be a complement, bokkie is such an amazing writer)*

ot8

skz + the habits you share | fluff, humor, borderline crack, established relationship(s). (wc: 3.7k) @/forlix

* ⇢ this work is so adorable and made me laugh, i love it so much. forlix really nailed each personality*

stray kids as colours | @sulfurcosmos

* ⇢ this one is not like any of the others since it is not a reader-insert but please just try it. you can tell the author put so much thought into their choices and the colors encapsulate them perfectly*

April Fools Texts With SKZ ! | crack, established relationship(s). @taetr4ck

* ⇢ i read this in the car when i was going back to uni and it was so hard to not laugh out loud. i think the people i was with thought i was going insane*

There was this boy | mentions of bullying, injury, blood, brief mention of health (skin) issues, brief allusion to sex. (wc: 13.2k) @/hanibalistic

* ⇢ i cried. i cried, okay? i am not ashamed and will never be ashamed. in fact, i am proud i cried to this fic. it deserves my tears, all the emotions i felt while i read this masterpiece. i'm not using this word lightly. i mean it, i really do*

series

no nut november | smut. (completed) @sluttywonwoo, @gimmeurtmi

* ⇢ I-, well-, yk-, it's just as the title says. this series is so good* (edit: @/gimmeurtmi deactivated or blocked me so only half the fics are still up for me. Let me know if they’re still up if you see this)

Winter falls | (ongoing 6/8) @/astraystayyh, @/forlix

* ⇢ read the individual warnings for each fic as they are all conceptually very different. i am now realizing that i included like basically all the fics in this series within the individual member rec, but oh well. the more places the merrier*

#limbo's fic recs #fic recs #faves #bang chan x reader #lee minho x reader #seo changbin x reader #hwang hyunjin x reader #han jisung x reader #lee felix x reader #kim seungmin x reader #yang jeongin x reader #stray kids x reader

[boobexplosion]

diary entry about joy in autism regardless when you live somewhere where no one gives you the time of day or human connection

there is this yearning with neurodivergence where no matter how hard i try to cosplay as normal at work or at parties or school it isn't effective, im like the uncanny valley of humanity. but then i see people in public online wearing lab coats and goggles while at an event, or i see someone shamelessly carrying around a stuffed animal or i see someone with acne and glasses that dont suit their face wearing poorly made furry ears and paws to a festival and i realize that while i dont have the standard human experience, there are so many other people like me who are strange and queer and fat and people all just want to avoid us, despite the fact that we are so full of love..

we are transgressive by nature as queers as autistics etc. there are so many people right now who are ND too who are being slowly outcast at their job. or they cant seem to find friends in college. but theyre so passionate. they love to have fun. and we're all connected in this spiderweb of detachment and loneliness; most of us being lucky to find more like us who appreciate us and adore us and realize that we autistics are the purest form of passion and fixation. in a world of neurotypicals who hate us and maim us, we are physically incapable of not being peculiar shattered fantastic reflections of humanity.

my gender presentation brings people raised in a small town that have never spent a second talking to a trans person to their knees. i make cis people into puddles begging for forgiveness and rudely demanding my gender. my lighthearted strange victimless humor falls on deaf ears of neurotypical classmates who finally gave me a chance to talk to them, and the joke is utterly hilarious. they dont think it's funny, it's too unfamiliar. in their mind i am crossed out in a big red X.

everywhere i go i force people to confront the truth, existing simultaneously as a full person but also as a mirror of themselves and what they fear, and the horrible reality that there is joy in succumbing to the strange nature of neurodivergence, that joy exists in a way divorced from the reactions of those too weak to comprehend it.

#vent #tw ableism #ableism #not tf2 #autism #autistic

[poolboyat-thevampiremansion]

on romanticizing the rot

growing up not popular but not unpopular does funny things to your psyche. it makes you do things like falsely romanticize the toxic reality of being fourteen years old out on the town drinking liquor you bought from strangers and hanging out with people four five six years older than you. 

at fourteen i wanted nothing more than to be one of those girls, who went out every weekend and got shit-faced with fair-weather friends who'd leave you out in the cold if they had to. but that can’t be true. they couldn’t’ve been that toxic to each other, right? not like they were to me. it must bond you, in some way. 

when i first got drunk at seventeen i think me and my friends’ brains connected. our neural pathways will always be linked and we are bonded for life. and there’s nothing like the friendliness of drunk girls: the compliments in bar bathrooms, the unbridled and unwavering support they show, the intent interest with which they listen to you, the genuine and bright way they compliment you, say you're so pretty oh my god I love your skirt you’re gorgeous you're literally a goddess he aint shit dont call him you deserve better i want to worship the ground you walk on

i guess the problem comes when drunk girls get sober. the unity of a drunken haze disappears into a cloud of smoke much like the one they were exhaling the previous night. 

theres something deep and powerful in partying. in throwing your life away. in substances and succumbing to them. there must be. that’s why we keep romanticizing them, right? that’s why I wanted nothing more than to have that at fourteen, have that fun, dangerous, thrilling feeling of being alive. of being young and doing things you're not supposed to. I didn’t even think of the immense danger these girls put themselves in. 

seeing my old friend solidified this. revealed the toxicity that they must’ve had to adopt to survive. she told me how she wishes things didn't go the way they did in junior high, told me about the one who was behind most of the drama and everything that contributed to those three years being some of the worst of my life. conversation in smoking areas are special like that. they tear down your walls and get you to reveal yourself. talking over a shared cigarette is a bonding experience and talking with her after years of uncertainty on where we stand all melted away and we talked as if we never stopped. i love her, truly. she lived through the decay, found herself after it. i went through the self discovery process, too. realized, and really, knew all along, that the ideas and experiences i was craving and romanticizing were not worth throwing my childhood away. 

at eighteen i still crave the decay despite of this.

i experience bits of it, now. i feel it when im walking home at 5 am. its nearly palpable when im sharing a smoke on a park bench, tipsy, and the scene is right out of a coming of age movie. at least i hope it is, but i fear it might not be, might be a horror movie or a documentary on my downfall. i still want to live through that chaos. i crave it on rainy evenings biking home from work. i crave it when the musics loud and i pass by a group of teens having fun and somehow feel left out despite being in the same club. when i see people entering bars when im on my way home from having a drink in the park with my friends. i see it in university students getting black out drunk weekly. microdosing alcoholism at the excuse of making the most of your youth. its part of the college experience! its normal! come out with us and drink so much you wont remember half of the night the next day and do it all again a week from now!

the small town syndrome. when theres not much else to do except go to parks and drink with your friends. when your whole country is on the brink of alcoholism and its normal for preteens to start drinking and smoking. its hard not to romanticize it, right? 

i still crave the decay. i still romanticize the rot. i yearn to live through it, vividly, violently.

#thoughts on lots of things #growing up mostly i guess #on romanticising the seedy underbelly that is growing up a girl in a small-ish town #when you're slightly sick in the head and for some reason want to be fourteen again just to experience this #i hate media for twisting the consept of you teenage years and what theyre supposed to look like #you dont have to party! #most people dont i guess ! #i didn't! #or maybe im just a loser idk #but honestly thank god im not fourteen anymore #or a girl but thats besides the point in this one

[roguestarsailor]

I HATE BEING THIS OLD AND NOT KNOWING THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’vee been mad at my past self actually. watching stranger things* makes me feel this yearning for my childhood/teen years and wishing i’d done things differently. i sometimes regret how i spent it and now im a loser adult who hadn’t experienced ANYTHING and will never know the feeling of just being carefree. i mean i know why i didn’t do those things but god talking to other people, watching media depict these rich lives makes me soo sad; like i really am wasting my youth. the depiction of teenage love, having sex for the first time, going on dates, quiet glances in class, sooo many of those things i WISSSHHHH happened to me. even in college, i never got up the courage to do any of those things. now im moving to a different city and i’m literally not ready. i feel like a fucken child but im a grown ass woman who has never done anything ever. i have none of these experiences and quite frankly im so ashamed that i don’t--its embarassing!!! i dont want some stupid guy to teach me things; i wish i could have just done those things as a teen and not be so green about everything. i wish i was just normal!! i wish these things just came easily. i wish i could just date a man and enjoy it. i wish i didn’t stress about sex every time i talk to a man in a romantic setting. i wish i knew the feeling of wanting to kiss somebody. i wish i was just normal and did those things as a teen or early 20s. now i’m playing catch up and im really just standing there as everyone moves on with their lives. soo many of my friends just did those things and now theyre in long term relationships and is soo natural for them to just lean on their boyfriends and speak in “we”, “us”, “ours”, picking up random facetime and chatting about the mundane things.....and i really really want that my heart hurts!! i wish i could one day be that open with my feelings and have it reciprocated..

and i think thats it. i didn’t put in the hours to learning how to be with someone and now im solidifying being alone*. like im used to my company and year after year im just learning to be ok with just lil ol me, and its just exhausting trying to anticipate things happening and knowing that i pretty much have to support myself in all capacity of life (figure out how to weather politicians that pride themselves in taking away my rights). i have a responsibility for my family too and i have to factor that in as well. but my god, i fucken wish i could just be normal and be like a lot of girls i know (basically my age or belowww!!!!!!!) who can just settle down w their person and know there is some sort of support and have that companion that they can depend on as they grow through the life stages. and most of them seem liek they actively love their persons too (wtf???)

anywho not feeling great this week. lots of emotions and everything feels like a trigger to me. i feel like an absolute CHILDDD.

:\

-

*yes i should know my triggers and what to avoid. yes i shouldn’t compare my life to others because mine circumstances are different..but my god i feel like such a stupid slow loser

*everyone at work keeps saying “how young i am” now that im going to SF but these people are also like i met my husbands at 25. yyeah okkk. doesnt help when so many people you know are just settled and live with their partners. honestly, meeting ppl might not be good for me anymore. and by meeting people i mean most of the girlies i’ve met through SAT and we recently had a happy hour w a bunch of them and theyre all just in relationships and thats all they talk about. is just how they can quit their jobs and have their partner supporrt them or how much more money they make than them and tho they are grateful they have that safety net or just having ur default travel buddy, doing shit together, and again “us”/”we”/etcetc. oh god maybe i gotta stop hanging out with these people..,until i sort out my fucked up brain.............i gotta get a therapist holy shit

#amandathoughts

[sanguine-inkwell]

I think I’m going to give myself permission to write a post in one draft and fling it into the hungry void. It’s fall break and I have no essays to write, might as well be adventurous.

I have a queer post to make about the vampire subculture.

The sanguinarian/psy community is really focused on the pain of our condition. Like you’re not really a vampire unless you have that craving, and lifestylers are kind of looked down on as a mockery of that real pain. At least in my experience.

And I mean. I do get the cravings. But as a vampire, is the validity of that really wrapped up in how much pain I experience? A lot of vampires end up yearning for the bad weeks, the bad months, because the pain of craving in a way validates you to yourself and to the community. I could say something about trauma here too, about the psychological addiction to emotional agony because you’re used to being wired on fight or flight, but this is a lazy post and I’m not in the mood for digging up citations. Either way, the validation is a craving in its own right.

Most of the vampire servers on Discord I’ve had to flat out leave, and I frequently caution people on Tumblr looking for community too, because almost every channel on every server is vampires thirstposting, talking about the pain and the need and so on. It’s not wrong to commiserate, not at all- but engaging with that for sustained periods kind of fucks with your head. It fucked with mine.

But... why not engage with it in a happy way? Look at what’s fun about being a vampire? Even I have to admit it’s “cringe” from almost every angle, might as well own it. Sure, being reduced to a feral creature lost in the luxury of base satisfaction is nice, but there’s other ways to have fun with it. That’s why people wear fangs. Heck, it’s a subculture, a goth subculture, frequently Victorian-adjacent.

I guess from a queer perspective, and particularly my queer perspective, isn’t it just as valid to engage in the euphoria? Defining yourself by how fucked up you are seems a little risky, long-term. That might be a little hypocritical of me, since I definitely define myself by my mental illness, but... I’m not genderfluid because I hate being a man, or a woman, by turns. I’m genderfluid because sometimes I wear a swishy skirt and feel like I could kick every ass on the block, and sometimes I fix the plumbing in my toilet and the simple manual labor makes me smile like nothing else. I’m genderfluid because my euphoria has multiple flavors.

Why not approach vampirism the same way?

I’m a vampire because sometimes I scroll through bloody gifs at 3am and all the water in the world doesn’t help, because I had a pretty violent awakening and sometimes the predator brain wants nothing but soft flesh to tear. But I think I can give myself permission to have fun with it too, wear fangs and velvet and make my apartment Halloween all year. It’s not like it’ll make me less weird. What am I trying to pass as, straight? Neurotypical? Someone sensible and normal?

I’m a deranged college student, and someday I’ll be an equally deranged archaeologist. Defining myself by my agony leads to clinging to that agony, and I think if I regret anything in my life, it would be that. I’d rather be open to happiness, and make my own when I can’t find it.

Tl;dr I’m engaging in vampire euphoria and wearing fangs in public before going home to watch terrible vampire movies and baking brownies that look like bloody hearts, and calling me a poser won’t stop me.

-Mod Smoke

#mod smoke #long post #musings #real vampire #sanguinarian

[raspberry-arev]

After the Flood (a.k.a. bicci fic)

Hello friends! Some of you may remember that back in... er, who knows, I was writing a Bicci Proposal Fanfic. However, school and lack of motivation got in the way, and essentially, I forgot it existed. Until now. It's done, it's ready, it's here for you to read in whole! (I posted half of it before, but I can't find the thing.)

Characters: Jimmy Kaga-Ricci, Lister Bird, Rowan Omondi, OC (Abby Omondi), Angel Rahimi

Themes: older Ark, marriage proposal, coming out, grand gestures, The Ark Revival Tour, and peak Bicci romance (hopefully)

TWs: mentions of recovery from addiction, anxiety, food

Word count: 9k

JIMMY

It’s often impossible to pinpoint what exactly set off an event – or perhaps multiple – that changed your life as you knew it.

That was not Jimmy’s case, however. He remembered that Barbecue Saturday very well.

This time, it was Rowan and his spouse Abby who hosted. The two couples took turns and Jimmy was oh so grateful for it; the idea of managing Lister’s chaotic culinary experiments more than twice in one summer filled him with dread.

On Saturday morning, Jimmy and Lister packed up and drove all the way to the suburbs of London where Rowan and Abby lived. The sun was bright, everything gleamed buttery yellow, and Jimmy managed to talk Abby into letting him set the table and carry in all the food instead of her, which was quite an accomplishment. She was about as stubborn as her husband.

They rarely invited more than three extra people though. Being in the public eye in your formative years made you appreciate small gatherings of trustworthy people. And one of those proved to be Angel. Or, you know, Feresteh, but her nickname really stuck with them. From that time Jimmy nearly quit the band and Lister impaled himself and almost drowned in mud… yeah, call that a wild youth.

Over ten years later, they were hardly the same people.

After they decided to quit being The Ark for their own wellbeing and safety, Rowan kept his place in the music industry as a songwriter, producer and a solo artist. He went with the name Le Monde, a play on his surname as well as French for “the world”. It suited him. He was the world, never small, never just one thing.

Lister stopped being involved in music after a few collabs. While he was figuring out what to do next, he took a few modelling jobs, acted in music videos and got a small part in a sitcom. Jimmy used that time to get a college degree, but found he just wouldn’t be able to get the usual “college experience” he yearned for, and only got his diploma after doing classes long-distance.

Jimmy and Lister also got together. After many failed attempts at courtship and pretending being friends with benefits was enough… they got together. To Jimmy, it felt like it was inevitable; they have acted like partners long before it was official, they just needed to clean up their own messes before they could be a couple. It wouldn’t have felt right back then, but it did now.

Rowan was already at the grill preparing meat and wrapping camembert in shiny aluminium foil when Angel marched in, tall, elegant, beaming. Jimmy loved to see her again. Each time, she seemed a little more confident, more expressive, more… just more. She really did find her calling in the music industry, just as much as he found his tucked away in rural England with his boyfriend.

Yet, he was to be “tucked away” no longer.

At a certain point, their group fell momentarily silent; everyone was chewing their meal and soaking in the sun. Then Angel said, in an unfamiliar, cautious tone: “You see, I was talking to a couple of people…”

Rowan exchanged a quick look with Jimmy. “Go on,” he said.

“It’s gonna be ten years since you guys disbanded, you know.”

“I know,” Jimmy echoed.

“So. I was thinking. Hear me out, even if you think it’s bollocks…” Angel shot them a look, and then made a motion with her hand as if she was presenting them with something. “Have you ever thought of doing a revival concert?”

As Rowan did a theatrical “errrm”, Jimmy saw straight through his best friend’s bullshit: the two of them rehearsed this conversation. He knew Ro for most of his life, who did he think he was fooling?

His mind offered the answer quickly: Abby, perhaps. He wants to see how she would react, doesn’t he? Rowan would love to do a revival show like that, no doubt, but he valued his wife’s opinion too much to make a decision without her.

He felt movement on his left, and looked Lister in the eyes.

“Well,” said Lister, looking at him. “Wow, okay,” said Jimmy. Both were considering.

Angel swiftly picked up, “Just wanted to run this idea by you. Not because it’s me who would love to see you play once more – I mean, of course I would – but it’s expected to have an amazing turn-out.”

“Obviously, they’re The Ark,” Abby commented matter-of-factly.

“You’re right, Abby. So, guys? How are we feeling about this?”

It was bizzare. Normally, Jimmy would have expected to say he wasn’t at all interested – the boyband life was not for him anymore, tough luck – but recently, he felt a strong sense of nostalgia surge through him as the ten year mark got closer. He found himself reaching for his old guitar way more often, strumming at it, looking for something between the strings he could not reach.

Maybe he could do it just once.

What eventually came out of his mouth was… “I haven’t sung like that for a long time though.”

“You sing to me,” Lister contradicted him, his fingers intertwining with his. “All the time.”

Jimmy felt his face get hotter. “That’s hardly… Are you thousands of people?” He turned to Angel. “How many are we talking, anyway?”

She smiled a kind smile. “I don’t know, Jimmy, that depends on whether you three are up to it or not.”

Rowan cleared his throat. “Personally speaking, I think I wouldn’t mind, as long as we are just doing it once, and not trying for a comeback. I wouldn’t go there.”

“Same,” Lister nodded. “I love you guys, but I’m fine the way things are.”

“Right,” said Rowan firmly. “But… just this once, I mean, why not? We could use some extra money.” With this, he gently let his palm rest on Abby’s belly that swelled under her summer dress like a balloon. (Jimmy fought the urge to aww at them.)

Abby immediately assured him they were more than fine financially, but Rowan barely listened, clearly waiting for his former bandmates to say something. Jimmy felt Lister looking at him, unwavering. So he turned to him and asked, “What do you think? Cool or not?”

“I’m waiting for you to say.”

“Why?”

“Don’t want you to feel pressured or anything.”

“You shouldn’t… Just say what your opinion is!”

“You express your opinion,” Lister retorted, pretending to square his shoulders as a threat. Jimmy lovingly nudged him, and to stop being annoying to the remaining three people at the table, he shrugged, “It doesn’t sound so bad. One concert. I mean, we are still friends after all this time, so why not?”

“In that case, I would love to be the centre of attention again!” Lister exclaimed and gave Jimmy a boyish grin. “The crowd was deprived of my looks for too long.”

“Buddy, you were the drummer,” Rowan said. “Bold of you to assume anyone even looked at you with me and Jimmy jumping at the front.”

Jimmy snorted with laughter, but Lister was quick to defend himself. “Google all Lister Bird slash Reader fanfic and then we can talk about who got noticed, buddy.”

“Oi, you’re not even properly revived yet, stop fighting!” Angel called out, but laughter started bubbling from every direction before she even finished the sentence.

They had a proper business meeting about it in two weeks. And then another and another. When they announced the first date, the sales went through the roof. Jimmy had to get off of social media because the internet exploded with their names and faces. But he sort of found it a bit sweet, that so many people stuck around for them, like old friends that he never had the chance to talk to. One concert became three and then five, which was, honestly, more like a small tour at that point. Jimmy fought to call it After the Flood and won.

LISTER

“You really shouldn’t do that, you know. This bitch is hard to get rid of.”

Rowan tried to hide a small cough and put out his cigarette on the metal window sill next to him. “Hey,” he greeted Lister. “Didn’t expect you to come out here.”

“Yeah.” Lister found it hard to hang around smokers, and unfortunately, he met quite the number of them while they were in the process of rehearsing. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“What’s up?”

“Can we walk, like, over there? So… nobody can hear us through the door?”

Rowan eyed him suspiciously, but he followed him to the railing on the edge of the roof. There, he turned to him, seeming to fight himself.

“I’m really looking for a less shitty way to ask this,” he admitted eventually. “But… What have you done now, Lister?”

Lister felt a sort of numbed cramp seize his stomach for a second. It took a lot not to let anger overcome him. They were well over thirty, how the hell was Rowan still treating him like a fuck up? But no. This was more important than old grudges.

“Nothing! As of yet,” he assured his bandmate.

“Okay…?”

“Right. So. Erm. Nobody is here, right? Fine. I had this idea… you know, Jimmy and I have been together for a long time and I obviously care about him a lot, I always have, you kind of know that…”

“Yes, go on,” he pushed on gently.

“Fuck it. I want to fucking propose!”

A giant weight fell off his shoulders when he spoke those words aloud. It was like coming out all over again, god.

Rowan’s eyes twinkled. “Oooh,” he almost whispered, “and you need my help with that? I’m your man, tell me the plan!”

“There is none right now.”

“Oh, okay. I can still help if you want.”

This was another part Lister dreaded discussing.

“I… okay, so, I was thinking of… doing it on stage?”

His friend’s face changed rapidly.

Lister’s dream of a grand proposal to the love of his life in brilliant stage lights and the roars of the audience faded away. “That’s a no? That’s a no. Shit, forget it then.” He felt sick.

“Lister, I’m absolutely positive you mean well,” Rowan started. “But Jimmy would-“

Speak of the devil.

The door opened and out of it peaked Jimmy’s unshaven face. “Oh! There you both are.”

Rowan froze for a second. Lister was ready to improvise. “Alright, so how about I come by yours after practice and you transfer the files to me?” He smiled, but impaled Rowan with a meaningful look.

Fortunately, he caught on. “Oh yeah, yeah, that could work.”

“What files?” Jimmy inquired as he joined them, oblivious.

“Rowan has some of our old drafts still saved. I was thinking of squeezing in a drum solo somewhere, maybe with spoken word over it?”

“Sounds cool,” Jimmy smiled at him and slightly brushed the back of his hand with Lister’s. “Anyway, Dick the Sound Guy wants us all in there immediately.”

“Stop calling him that or I’ll have a Freudian slip at some point,” Lister laughed and guided Jimmy back into the building. Him and Rowan managed to exchange a subtle nod over the shorter man’s head.

JIMMY

As they were packing up that day, Jimmy tried incredibly hard to catch Rowan alone. Just like the old times when he needed to discuss something personal. And yet again, it involved Lister. Jimmy felt young and stupid again, but not really in a good way.

Finally, he managed to stop him while he was putting away the equipment. Lister was meanwhile in the office of their temporary new manager. “Ro, I need advice!” he whispered to his best friend.

“What about?”

“It’s Lister.”

“Oh dear Jesus, I’m having flashbacks.”

“Don’t be a dick, it’s important.”

“Okay then, tell me.”

“It kind of involves you too. Just… tell me if it’s a good idea.”

“Go on!”

“I want to, uh… I want to tell people Lister and I are a couple…” He took a breath. “Which means I would be coming out as gay as well, probably. I know that’s, like, a huge pile of drama, so if you don’t want me to complicate the tour, just say it, it’s honestly kind of irresponsible when I’m thinking about it now…”

“Jimbob. Easy.” Rowan waited for a second for Jimmy to wind down, leaning on a stack of five chairs, and then asked, “Are you really sure about it? Do you want people to know?”

Jimmy felt his thoughts humming in his head. He forced himself to say exactly how he felt.

“I know it’s gonna sound super dramatic, but I don’t want to die not saying it,” he explained slowly. “It became really important to me… I don’t know when. But it did. Talking about this part of me, too. I’m just worried about what Lister might say.”

“So I take it that you didn’t discuss this?”

“No way. I don’t even know how to start!” Jimmy exploded in loud whispering. “I should have talked to him a long time ago, but I just didn’t have the balls.”

“I get that, but… just bring it up. Like, theoretically. What if. I think he’s going to support you through it.”

“How could he?”

“What are you even saying at this point?

“You think he would like people sticking their nose in our personal business? I feel like it’s so unfair to him and his privacy… And I feel terrible about still wanting to do it… even though it’s inconsiderate. It’s all a fucking mess.”

“Okay, okay.” Rowan massaged his nose. He looked like he was trying incredibly hard not to snap at Jimmy and be at least somewhat encouraging. “Look, no spoilers, but I am going to say this. Lister absolutely will notbe mad and he will want to talk about the two of you if you give him the chance. That is all.”

“Wait, what? Ro, did he tell you something?”

“I am not talking!”

“Is that how you treat your best friend in a life crisis?!”

“You’re putting me in a life crisis, don’t you dare play the pity card! I swear, the two of you are a nightmare.”

“Rowan! Come back!”

LISTER

His visit to Rowan’s place was very brief, but it was enough for him to understand Rowan’s concerns. Eventually.

Lister explained that it didn’t feel appropriate for him to just whip out a ring in a restaurant: Jimmy was his love, his dream boy, as cliché as it sounded, and he wanted to do something that would measure up to all he was feeling. Which was… well, a whole lot. Like a “get down on one knee in front of thousands of people” lot.

And yet.

“It’s all great, and I’m sure there are people in the world that would love it, but we are talking about Jimmy.”

“Come on. I know, he’s private about… well, everything, but…”

“That, yes,” Rowan pointed at him while holding a can of coke, “but don’t you think this proposal on stage would be an anxiety-inducing situation? Because to me, that sounds like a lot of pressure and nerves.”

“He hasn’t had attacks since we moved and he went on those meds.”

“That doesn’t really –“

“Matter. Yeah. Yeah, I get your point, mate, he would die of shock. And everybody watching him. Fuck, I’m stupid.”

“No, you’re not,” Rowan grinned. “The two of you are just different… in some aspects. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

Will I? Lister asked himself as he was driving back to the hotel that Jimmy and him were staying at for the time being. This was the only thing I came up with, like, ever.

When he swept his key card over the sensor and the door to their suite opened, he was greeted by the smell of dinner. He took a look into their little kitchen and found his boyfriend sitting at the table with his laptop. He didn’t notice him for a second, so Lister came up behind him and hugged him tightly.

Jimmy yelped.

“Where’s the food?!” Lister shook him a little, imitating Batman.

“Your hands are so cold!” Jimmy protested, but there was a trace of laughter in his voice. “On the stove, you bully!”

Lister almost flew over there, looking under the lid on the pot.

“Pasta,” Jimmy shrugged. “I needed my comfort food, so that’s that for you.” Lister smiled and thanked him, because yes, he was starving. Pasta was Jimmy’s go-to meal to cook, as it was quick to make and he was a pasta-sauce prodigy.

While his dinner was heating up in the microwave, Jimmy made small-talk about the supposed unused lyrics Rowan and him exchanged. Lister found it hard to lie to him, so he just turned to playful teasing, telling Jimmy to stop sniffing around, he’ll hear it when the time comes.

“Oh come on,” Jimmy huffed. “I’m just asking! And it’s my show, too. Spill it.”

“Sorry. Totally gonna steal your spotlight.”

“Lister, just tell me what it is.”

“A song.”

“What song?”

“A song that you have to wait for.”

“Babe, what song?!”

Lister took him by the waist and pulled him against his body. “Are you trying to ‘babe’ me into telling you right now? Is that what’s happening? Right in front of my pasta?” He went in for a kiss, and Jimmy tried to murmur something against his lips… but then he gave up. They leaned into each other and kept kissing until Lister pulled away to open the microwave. He got himself a fork and went to sit down after the long day, but Jimmy stayed there, right next to the sink. Looking a bit like he was going to hurl.

Before Lister could ask if he’s okay, Jimmy sat down on the other chair with a determined look on his face.

“There is something I need to discuss!” he blurted out.

Lister cautiously dropped the fork back into the bowl. “Okay…? And it’s something to do with me, yeah?”

“Yep. A lot to do with you.” He was visibly nervous. He clasped his hands together, as if Lister would have not noticed. “I… I was thinking about this one thing, and I need your opinion about it.”

“Cool. Go for it.”

“It’s about our relationship.”

“Are you aware you sound very sinister right now?”

He wildly shook his hands as if he wanted to dry them off. “Sorry, didn’t mean to,” he apologized in a strained voice. Then he cleared his throat, sharply lifted his eyes towards Lister’s and exclaimed, “I would like to reveal that we’re together.”

Lister felt everything about his face go lax in shock. He opened his eyes round and wide, his mouth followed, and Jimmy looked like he would faint.

“I, er. I just. I thought about it and I think it’s a decent idea and – please say something, Lister, before I get a fucking heart attack right now.”

It must have been so hard for him to speak up. Lister thought of his proposal plans and felt his mouth slowly form a smile. “I think it’s… brilliant! Yes, I would really like to do that!”

“Wait, really?”

“This is – I didn’t think you would want to, when did you change your mind?”

Jimmy shrugged, grinning in a sheepish way that made him look much younger. And cuter. “I thought I just… wanted to be open about this part of my life. Figured it’s time to say we are together. But if you, like, don’t feel like it, then…”

Lister beamed. “I feel like it. If you do, I do, trust me.” He walked around the table and lifted Jimmy into a hug. He laughed, relieved.

This was when it dawned on Lister… it was not such an easy matter. Exciting, yes, but it would gather all kinds of attention. He leaned onto the table, grabbed his dinner and him and Jimmy started talking about the situation it would put them in. If both are truly okay with it, how much would they reveal, when is the best time to do it. They kept talking through the bathroom door and while they were changing into pajamas in their bedroom.

As they were laying down and Lister gestured Jimmy to crawl into his arms, they became quieter. “You know why I also want to say it?” Jimmy mumbled, lying on the soft linen with one eye open.

“I’m all ears.”

“If I have to see one more article about which model or actress you’re screwing, I’m gonna lose the remaining marbles that I have.” Lister started chuckling as Jimmy awkwardly added, “Which is, admittedly, not many. Most have been lost in my youth.”

“Oh no,” Lister laughed and turned Jimmy’s face upwards to his. “So this just in: my boyfriend is possessive. Fancy that.”

“I’m not, it’s… I am… Oh, you hated Jowan, stop being smug.”

“I know I did, we both know. But jealous Jimmy? That’s a rare sight.”

“It’s just super uncomfortable. It’s all women, as well.”

“Heteronormativity is a bitch,” Lister nodded. He snuggled closer and let out a breath, “Don’t worry though. I am exclusively your problem.”

Jimmy kissed him, smiling. Lister felt lightheaded. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Jimmy’s. He loved this – he loved how much he felt for him after so long they have been together. It never ceased or faded away… because it was Jimmy.

Lister was pretty sure he would love him until his last day on Earth.

It was time to start looking for a ring.

JIMMY

Not much later, they had a team meeting scheduled with all the important people at their recording company that were involved with their tour. Jimmy and Lister announced their intention to come out during the tour, and with Rowan’s full support, it wasn’t too hard to win the producers over. Jimmy had anticipated the PR people would deem it overly risky to their image, but they were fairly chill. As Rowan had put it, “As if anything about The Ark was ever about pandering to conservatives.”

They agreed that their demographic is absolutely different, and before they knew it, they were being ignored while people were exchanging speculations about how it all could help them promote the tour.

“If they do it on, like, the second show…”

“…we could sell some extra tickets after… another wave…”

“…that would probably be a good time to release a single, something related to…”

Jimmy felt something in his chest sink. This is why they left. These people took something good, something from their hearts and souls, and wanted to turn it into money. Some part of him understood, that’s how business works, but mostly, he just felt really sad for them.

“Oi!” Lister exploded over the chatter. “Sorry, but we are still here, and – Could you maybe not act like this coming out is a marketing tactic?!”

The room went briefly silent.

Jimmy squeezed his hand under the table to say a silent thanks. Then he choked out, “That’s not why we’re doing it!”

Their producer looked at them over the top of her reading glasses.

“Of course it’s not, love,” she cooed. “But to say it bluntly, I think you need all the help you can get.”

After many weeks and many briefings, they had agreed on making the announcement on the third show. Right in the middle of tour. Everybody was nervous, expectant, but there was this air of hopefulness when Jimmy and Lister ended up alone together. The glimmer in his partner’s eye when their eyes met promised something… no, it was not living absolutely openly, they still wanted privacy. But it felt like they were sealing something.

This was not an easy coming out.

But they were in for it. Together.

LISTER

“Just so I know,” Rowan said as Lister was trying to take off his Doc Martens with all his might, “what did you tell Jimmy this time?”

“We’re still working on music.”

“We should really make something then, before you go. I am not gonna lie to my childhood best friend, y’know.”

Finally, the boot came off, and Lister got off the little cabinet in Rowan’s hall. Abby was already making tea, and when she saw him walk by the kitchen door, she just nodded at him. Lister smirked at her; she loved pretending to still be mad at him for taking Rowan to a strip club on his stag night. (Or was it dancing on the table at the wedding reception? Anyhow.)

Rowan sat him down in the lounge and started the conversation with: “So. The big reveal is getting closer. How are we feeling?”

“I – great, good. I’m fine, and Jimmy seems to be fine, so yeah, we’re fine.”

“But I assume that’s not what you need help with?”

“You assume right. I will need you to bear with me, though.”

“That sounds interesting,” Rowan retorted and flashed a smile at Abby who was bringing them two steaming mugs of earl gray. “And when I say interesting I mean impending doom, why thank you, Abby!”

“No problem.” She slowly leaned over, careful not to lose balance with her belly, and kissed him on the forehead. “I’ll be off for my swimming class then. You two behave, will you.”

As she was making her way to the hall, Lister jokingly remarked, “No goodbye kiss for me?”

She stopped in the middle of the room and exchanged a glance with Rowan. Rowan, stirring his tea with a teaspoon, said, “Please don’t kill him, I need him for the concert.”

“Come on, you guys, I was fully kidding. Goodbye, Abby,” he waved to her with a bright smile. “Enjoy your swimming stuff!”

“Thank you, will do.” She disappeared.

“Just a question!” he called after her. She came back with an eyeroll. “Is it, like, harder to swim when you are pregnant? Like, I don’t mean to insult you or anything, I’m just genuinely wondering.”

She, too, put aside her snarky façade for a second. “Actually, I go there because it’s relieving. The water makes you float, so the weight of the baby is taken off my back and legs for a little while.”

“Oh! That’s clever.”

“Thank you. The more you know, am I right?”

“You know what I was just thinking of?”

“Yeah? I really have to go.”

“When you’re swimming, you’re a human submarine for the baby.”

It seemed to take Abby a minute to realize what he was saying. Very slowly, she brought her palm to her forehead.

Rowan then didn’t make it much better by adding, “Since when does a submarine have water inside? That would defeat the purpose.”

Lister thought about it and then gasped. “So… right now, you are a reverse human submarine!”

Abby looked at them both, clearly lost for words. “I’ll just go…” She closed the lounge door behind her.

After a good ten minutes of Rowan half laughing and half chastising Lister for saying the things he says, Lister threw his hands up in the air and claimed they seem to have “traded their sense of humour for a marriage certificate” two years ago.

Rowan immediately followed: “Speaking of marriage, any updates on that? You and…?”

“Well, my friend, that is precisely what we need to talk about today.”

“Okay. The meeting is officially in session, go.”

“First: am I the only one that was really surprised by Jimmy wanting to make us public? Because I really didn’t expect that at all.”

“Yeah, I guess he’s still full of surprises, huh?”

“That he is. However, Ro, I was thinking, and I still want to do a proposal. No – let me finish, it’s not that straightforward. I spent a lot of time talking to Jimmy about what he wants and how he sees the future, and you were super right in saying that I should never put him on the spot like that. Being so exposed to the public when we were kids messed with us in a big way, all of us.”

Rowan snapped his fingers in agreement.

“The idea is… It would be a proposal before a proposal. Like… I don’t know, announcing that I have the intention of proposing to him soon. And asking him if he is okay with that, you know? If he’s okay with the idea of saying yes. That way,” Lister gesticulated with his hands, “he’s not forced right there to say yes, the eventual real proposal can be sort of expected, which would calm him down a bit, but still a surprise, because when is it going to happen? I’m not saying.”

Rowan stared at him for about three seconds. “That was… a whole thing, buddy.”

“Thoughts?”

“I’m just trying to wrap my head around this. Wait. You want to do a proposal before the actual proposal.”

“Yes.”

“On stage. At the same time you are announcing that the two of you are together?”

“No! I mean, I don’t think so. I thought like, more at the end, maybe.”

“Proposal before a proposal…”

“It’s clever, if you think about it.”

“To me, it just seems very extra, Lister. Which I know is your trademark, but –”

“No, but listen. I want to propose to Jimmy. He wouldn’t survive a big flashy proposal, but I still want to make it a big deal, because it is. Ergo, I announce that I want to spend the rest of my stupid little life with him and ask him if it is okay to propose to him one day, likely soon.”

Rowan’ expression changed. “That does make sense,” he said. “For the two of you, especially.”

“Okay then: dear dad, do I have your blessing?”

“Never call me that again. But yes.”

“You are the closest to being a father out of all of us.”

“That is not what it sounds like and you know it.”

JIMMY

The first show was an explosion of feeling and memories. Nauseous with anxiety, burdened with expectation and weak in the knees, Jimmy ran into his first appearance on the stage the same way he would run into the middle of the highway. The lights and screams and colours almost blew him to pieces and then glued him back together. His first words addressed to the crowd and the earth-shattering screams that came in answer woke something in him, a force of nature. The gig was rather small compared to those they ended on ten years ago, but the crowd loved them to pieces and oh, he felt so alive.

The second show was slightly bigger, yes, and their fans didn’t disappoint. Plenty of pride flags were chucked at him, and he waved them and gave them to his mates and it made him even more excited about what him and Lister were going to do the next time round. These people stayed with them for so long, this sea of faces that looked toward him… for many of them, he would be the representation they need, again.

He remembered being a young trans boy, questioning if there is a life, a future, for him. Where were all the queer adults? The trans adults? How could he imagine adult life if he had never seen someone like him live it?

There he was, now. Adult. Gay. Transgender. A lot of time, he still knew very little about what he was doing, but he had a boyfriend who knew equally little, and together, they might be just what some queer kid in the crowd yearns to see.

LISTER

It was D-Day. Christ and Mary, it was, and they were going to say it. Finally. The staff have been informed, the security has been strengthened, they did everything so that some fan wouldn’t try and knock them the fuck out…, but he was still incredibly nervous. Minutes before the show, among all the rush and flourish, he caught Jimmy and pulled him to the side, apologizing to a couple of sound guys securing some cables on the ground.

“How are you doing?” he blurted out.

“I’ll die, but maybe in a good way. You?”

“Same. Or I’ll throw up, in a bad way.”

“Wait really?”

“No, I’m sick, but not the vomiting kind.”

“Anxiety! Welcome to the club!” Jimmy shouted as he was being ushered away under the stage so he could come up on a platform.

More pushing, more ushering, and he stood next to Rowan.

Their intro – a dramatic organ solo as light flashed through the artificial fog like sunbeams – was rumbling all around them. The crowd was losing their minds. He didn’t know how, but he still heard Rowan whisper:

“Lister, promise me you won’t do the other thing today!”

“Told you I won’t, stop being patronizing!” he snapped back, but then it was their time, and they were on a stage, coming up from behind Jimmy, each on every side, acting astonished as they supposedly came down from Noah’s Ark onto new land.

Listed dared to put his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder as they did so.

The show was on.

Here we go.

JIMMY

During the concert, he used every opportunity to interact with the audience that he had. It felt a bit manipulative at first – he wanted them to be up for a bit of talking, eventually – but then the feeling of guilt faded away. However complicated his relationship with the fans used to be, these people were the fans. They stayed loyal to them, they kept their music in their hearts, and came to this revival gig…

It would be okay, okay, okay.

When the last accords of the last song whizzed away into the night and he was thanking the crowd that stomped and cheered and waved signs in hope of an encore… he stopped at the front of the stage. Rowan strummed a few last cords on the guitar and fell silent.

He wished he had somewhere to sit down. His legs were shaking.

But he was not afraid. Not really.

“Now, you guys, these shows are very special for us. Because every single one of you, as we’re standing here and looking at each other, you have been waiting for so long…” His voice was drowned out by cheers. “For so long, you have not forgotten us, you came to our shows, you have been amazingly supportive, and I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart!” He shouted the last few words as the sea of faces roared in joy.

When they calmed down again, he continued. “And because you are the ones that stuck with us… because of that, I would like to say a few things to you.

If you know about the days of my youth…” Pause as people laughed and shouted affirmations at him. “…you would probably remember that I was presumed to be in a relationship with a person that is standing on the stage with me, right now.”

It was good that only a few people cheered. But it made him sick to the stomach, still.

“Okay, no,” Rowan came in, and people applauded, and he pointed at them with a not-so-fake scolding look, “no, no, don’t you woo at me, young lady. This is so utterly not a thing! Jimmy has never left the friendzone!”

“Same here,” Jimmy laughed and patted Rowan across the back, maybe a little too hard, overcompensating. “Did you all, like, miss that Rowan came out as straight all those years ago?”

People were laughing. Nobody really cared, they just found it funny. Rowan claimed he was leaving it to Jimmy before “the PR team has me taken out”, and retreated a few steps, leaving Jimmy to face the crowd again.

Deep breaths, he told himself.

“What I wanted to say was that there was one thing that those people back then got right.” Breathe in, breathe out. “I am gay.”

Two seconds of silence and then an absolute thunderstorm of an applause. A rainbow pride flag landed at his feet and Jimmy took it, with meek laughter, and put it around his shoulders. He heard Rowan cheer and clap too, and for what felt like years, he couldn’t get a word in. He wished the whole world could be like this.

“I – gosh, thank you all, I’m not sure whether it was a surprise,” he finally managed to say, his voice breaking a little from surprise, “but yeah. I am a trans, gay man…” The hall exploded with joyous noise. “…and it’s not all that there is to me, but I’m here. And queer. Hello.”

He thought he was going to pass out. He had a clever segway prepared, but he couldn’t remember a word of it. This was the moment. He wanted to say it, but at the same time… How could he? It was so hard, why do things have to be so hard?

“The other… the second thing,” he said, gripping the pride flag. “It is that… wow, it’s hard. It’s that I am…” He felt himself turn around, and like a lost child call: “Lister?”

Lister climbed out from behind the drum set instantly. Nobody cheered, there were only confused whispers. Jimmy looked at him, asking for help without words, and he knew, as he always did. Jimmy found a place to look, above the crowd, beyond everything, as Lister stepped in and slowly took his hand.

“The second thing is that we are together,” Lister said, his voice steady.

And the crowd lost it.

There were people wailing in happy tears. Screaming at the top of their lungs. A dissonance of chanting their names, all at a different rhythm, before Rowan ran up to them and hugged them and spurred the crowd on, and they stood there wrapped in a pride flag, and Jimmy was kind of crying and leaning on Lister, and it was another half an hour of a pure mess, before they really left the stage with their ears buzzing and eyes wide.

Jimmy and Lister tumbled into a corner somewhere, and Jimmy had happy tears streaming down his cheeks and they were kissing and holding each other and shaking.

“Oh, I’m such a mess,” Jimmy laughed as he was smearing tears and foundation on his sleeve.

“And I love you so much,” Lister blurted out in a moment of raw honesty.

“Me too,” Jimmy took one of his hands and kissed the palm. “I love you so fucking much it’s unreal sometimes.”

LISTER

This was, hands down, the most jittery Lister got before a show. Ever.

Currently, he found himself sat at an old sofa in the dressing room, hands clasped and both legs involuntarily jumping up and down. Was it annoying? Likely. But he had to let his knees jump in such a vigorous way because if he hadn’t, his teeth might start clattering.

He hated that he couldn’t just be pumped and excited. He had to feel this unsettling, buzzing mess of an emotion. Anxiety, as Jimmy informed him. This is what it’s like for an anxious person, he said… except make it all the time and often for no real reason.

Lister shook his head a little.

His reason, too, was basically nothing. He knew. As if Jimmy would actually reject him or something…

Or would he?

Maybe he could? Oh God, maybe he could…

“Hey! You’re actually scaring me, what’s up with you?!”

Lister blinked in confusion. He saw Jimmy as he was making his way over. A half scolding, half worried look decorated his face.

He lowered his voice when he added: “The last time I saw you like this was when you had withdrawal symptoms. You can tell me if that’s what it is.”

“It’s not that. I’m fine,” Lister insisted. Crap, he was panicking too hard to actually come up with anything convincing. Come on, Bird, focus… He’s onto you…

“Actually,” Rowan’s voice travelled to them from the corner, “I just think we had weird coffee.”

“What? But you’re fine.”

“Yeah, well,” Rowan continued to make up a story, “we both got one, but I didn’t like the taste, it was too strong. Lister felt bad for throwing them out so he finished both of them, didn’t you?”

“Ye-Yes,” he finally caught on. Had to admit, Ro was impressive at this. Lister started to believe what their friend used to say: that he can lie very well, he just chooses not to. “I didn’t want to waste it. The coffee.”

“Lister,” Jimmy grunted in disbelief, hands on his hips. “That was a brilliant idea, you walnut! Look at yourself, you’re gonna be sick now!”

“I’m not.”

“You look it.”

“I’m just…” He rubbed his clammy hands together. “I’m just anxious I guess.”

“Well, no shit. Why do you think I avoid caffeine?” Jimmy sighed and dropped into a squat in front of Lister. He took Lister’s hands in his. “Seriously, are you okay? You’re not gonna have a heart attack, are you?”

“No, babe. I’m alright.” The last thing he wanted was for his boyfriend to be anxious too.

He looked down at Jimmy. The realization dawned on him, as he noticed that his partner dropped onto one of his knees to be more comfortable; very soon, the roles will be reversed. It will be Lister down on one knee, only Jimmy would be standing up in that case…

Okay.

Wow.

This is what true internal screaming felt like.

“You need water, as in now,” Jimmy decided and jumped up. “I’ll need you to drink at least three glasses before we start, that should help.”

He rushed out of the room to get hands on some water. Rowan and Lister looked at each other, the pretence gone.

“Alright?” Rowan nodded.

“I’m fucking choking, dude,” Lister replied.

It almost looked as if his friend was going to give him advice, or maybe say something generic and calming… but instead, Rowan let out a small laugh. Lister’s lips started twisting without him giving the command.

And then the two collapsed laughing. The pressure of this being the very last show and the knowledge of what Lister was about to do at the end of it were just the right recipe for hysterics.

Jimmy didn’t bother to ask twice what the joke was, as long as they promised they weren’t laughing at him.

-----------------------------------

As the concert was coming to an end and the crowd was cheering and chanting for an encore, Rowan seized the opportunity and called: “Alright, friends, we would like to indulge you in a little experiment! Can you join me at the front, Lister?”

Lister got out from behind the drum set and jogged to meet the rest of the group. Jimmy smiled, but his eyes studied both of them suspiciously. “What is this?”

Lister lazily raised his arms with the palms of his hands towards the crowd. “I have to admit, we kind of didn’t tell Jimmy what this is about. Sorry, my guy.” People laughed. Rowan signalled someone backstage, as Lister added: “But just so you don’t feel left out, you can have this triangle.” A nervous assistant handed Jimmy the instrument and ran off again.

Everybody was jeering and whistling, but there was an air of anticipation in the air.

“Oh wow, that’s generous of you,” Jimmy grimaced.

“I know, right? Anyhow.” Lister took a step forward, trying to calm himself. He could do this. He had acting jobs, he could absolutely pull this off.

He was Lister freaking Bird! He was the fan favourite!

“Dear audience, allow me to tell you a tale,” he addressed the crowd in his best narrator voice. A couple of screams rose from the crowd, but everyone else was listening intently. Behind him, Rowan started strumming a little melody on his guitar – one they created especially as a backdrop to Lister’s talk.

“I know this is a little unusual,” Lister admitted to the sea of people, “I know that you’re used to stories coming to you via this man’s voice,” he pointed at Jimmy, “and this man’s lyrics.” Rowan. “I know that I am just a simple drummer in this arrangement. But today, I will do the voice and the words. Because, well… Talking all the time is the one thing I am actually good at.”

That made the crowd laugh. Good. Great.

“But now, on with the story!” he exclaimed and made a motion with his hands as if he was showing them a canvas.

“Picture this. We are all fifteen, stuffed into a tiny studio in London,” he smiled, as if nostalgic. His voice flowed out of him in a steady melody, like the hum of a river. “We all had that awkward long hair phase – yes, I see some true veterans in the audience today. Good,” he smiled at a couple of girls in the front who seemed to know exactly which haircuts he meant. He raised his hands again. “I am sitting outside the recording room, behind the glass. On the other side, there’s Jimmy. I can see him clearly, I hope you can too,” he said, keeping his dreamy smile. “The giant black hoodie. The fringe almost hiding his eyes. Jimmy waits for the cue, bouncing up and down,” he chuckled as he swayed up and down on his toes, “and then starts singing the interlude in our first album. It’s only about two lines that we need to record, but I remember wishing it lasted longer. Obviously. Because his voice is amazing.”

The audience started yelling and swooning at once. Lister was honestly more okay looking at them than if he had to look at Jimmy and see what his reaction is.

Now, here comes the real cliché.

“But then,” he paused with real embarrassment in his voice, “then he looked up from under his hair… at me, with those big brown eyes… and asked me, if he was okay.”

Breathe in, and:

“My friends, that was the moment I have fallen for Jimmy Kaga-Ricci.”

A roar of screams started rising from the audience, when Rowan strummed dramatically on the guitar, as if something tragic had happened. Lister shot a look at Jimmy and found him laughing. Surprised, but amused.

Thank fuck. I’ve never told him that before.

On the outside, he theatrically turned to Rowan and scolded him: “I was just getting sentimental here?”

Rowan shrugged and strummed a more positive jingle. Everyone laughed and clapped. Lister was starting to enjoy this, actually. He sighed and walked forward onto a prolonged platform where Jimmy was usually stood on.

“Well, maybe my trusty assistant was right with the sound effects,” he admitted jovially. “Because my crush absolutely did not like me back for years. Hey, but that’s not to throw shade at the guy,” he added quickly to prevent any pitiful reaction that would make Jimmy feel bad. “Because you have to consider that I was and still am a bloody mess of a person.” That amused the listeners. Lister turned round, as he exclaimed. “I am the creator of problems, the maker of terrible decisions. We can all agree that Jimmy is a lovely lad…” He had to pause for the overwhelming reaction in support of that statement. “Yes, he is, but inflicting my teenage self upon him, that would just not be right.”

Jimmy suddenly clanked the metal stick against the triangle in an absolute cacophony to draw attention to himself. “Excuse me,” he called to Lister, “could you stop insulting yourself? I would enjoy that.”

A girl somewhere below them screamed as if she was getting murdered. They exchanged a quick glance, as if to say a little yikes, but then Lister laughed it off.

“Sorry, sorry,” he continued. “Through it all, Jimmy was always here for me. He was one of my first real friends. He was understanding when I needed it most, and ready to kick my ass when I needed it most.” He smiled at his boyfriend and hoped his voice is not shaking. “Look at you, Jimmy! I’m being embarrassing in front of hundreds of people and you still haven’t walked off stage.”

Jimmy laughed and lightly hit the triangle. He was ever the professional, but his eyes glimmered in curiosity. Expectation.

Lister kept looking at him. Rowan was strumming a slightly different melody now, and if Lister did say so himself, the atmosphere was fucking perfect.

“What I want to say is…, I feel that we were together before we got together. We were always partners. A great team. Maybe you wouldn’t think the same,” he admitted to Jimmy, “but a girl can dream. Oh! A rhyme!” He exclaimed to a symphony of awwws and ooohs. People were laughing again, clapping here and there. “That will be the only time!” Lister made a face of feigned shock. “Or not? Wow, I’m unpredictable!”

“You’re hot,” Jimmy rhymed with unexpected confidence.

The crowd was screaming their heads off at this interaction. Even Lister was a little flustered. He came back to his bandmates and gestured toward Jimmy, who was still smirking a little. “And he can improv, what’s not to like, honestly!”

Now, there came the challenge. Lister took a deep breath and prayed to all deities that were listening for this to come off as more sweet than cringy.

His voice fell into a different rhythm. One he kept studying every possible minute from any good slam poetry or original poem reading he could find online.

“But now, if our audience permits,” he put one hand on his chest, turning directly to Jimmy, “I would like to address you. Because, dear Jimmy, although I love each face in the crowd, my friends, my family, those that are both… I can state loud and proud that the biggest part of my heart goes to you.” He grinned sheepishly at Jimmy’s stunned expression, when he added: “If not all of it.”

“I can only guess what goes on in that mind, whether you think this is suspicious or kind… I can’t know these things. But there is one thing I do know. That no matter how much we grow, what we lose and what we gain, through all the smiles and all the pain, I will love you. It’s as big and as small as this. And today was an opportunity I couldn’t miss. So, nobody panic, stay in your seats. It’s not what it looks like.”

He got down on one knee in front of his boyfriend.

Jimmy gasped in sync with the audience: “Lister!” He backed away.

“Oh no, mister, don’t panic,” Lister retorted. That managed to amuse Jimmy a little – that he would know this would be the reaction. The audience was still going absolutely wild. Another pride flag just about missed Lister’s left ear.

“As I said, it’s not what it looks like. And I’m sick of rhyming by now, so…” He reached for Jimmy’s hand. Pulled it down to his by the triangle and encouragingly pressed a thumb into his palm. “I wanted to tell you – in a way that means something – that I don’t see myself living my life with anyone but you. So I have a question. Can you imagine me proposing in the near future?”

Jimmy looked like he suddenly couldn’t speak any human language. The only thing that came from his open lips was: “Huh?”

He was trying not to panic. To explain it well. Better than he had to Rowan.

“I would like to start talking about marriage. With you. I’m asking your permission to… go pick out a ring, perhaps. And propose to you. One day.”

“You want to…” He was trying so hard to make sense of this situation. Lister could almost hear the wheels in his brain clanking and whirring. After a second, Jimmy blurted out about the last thing Lister expected. “You really want to marry me?”

He had to laugh. That sounded so bizarre! You have the wrong number, I don’t think you want to marry me, of all people. As if.

Covering Jimmy’s hand with both of his own, he answered: “Who else, Jimmy?”

As there was no instant reply, Lister felt the audience grow impatient.

This was the time to smooth things out. Make it amusing.

“Okay, I don’t want to stress you out. You can just think about it,” he ensured his partner. But I just wanted to let you know my, er, intentions.” Wow, great choice of words, Bird. But was there any better? He decided to make fun of himself a little when he sarcastically added: “Because this is the regency era, apparently.”

People were losing it. However, Lister was only looking at Jimmy now… and realized that the eyes of his boyfriend were welling up with tears as he looked down. Were they happy or sad tears? Shit.

“Oh…” Lister managed to say, when Jimmy dropped the triangle on the floor with a thud and shakily took Lister’s face into his soft palms.

His voice was trembling with emotion, as he answered:

“Allister Bird, I would love to marry you. I don’t think you even need to propose again.”

Before Lister could even register what he meant, Jimmy leaned down and gently pressed a kiss at his forehead. This was probably as close to kissing in public as Jimmy would ever allow.

Lister finally realized. He realized.

At the same time, Jimmy dropped down and Lister shot up. They embraced each other tightly, a mess of crumpled clothes and limbs and teary laughing, and Lister almost lifted Jimmy off the ground as he was happy-crying into the shorter man’s shoulder.

They heard Rowan screaming at the top of his lungs: “HE SAID YES, PEOPLE!” His voice was drowned out by the massive storm of excited screams that wouldn’t seize for good twenty minutes after.

But Lister and Jimmy didn’t really pay attention.

Paradoxically, although everyone could see them – and everyone would see them, as the news probably already travelled through the internet at the speed of light – it felt like this moment was theirs alone.

#osemanverse #osemanverse fanfic #alice oseman #jimmy kaga ricci #lister bird #bicci #rowan omondi #angel rahimi #oc #bicci proposal #i was born for this #iwbft #the ark #older ark #older au #proposal #engagement #grand gesture #fanfiction

[filipino-lesbian-pierre-curie]

They Should Be Dead: A Collection of Works by The Living

Early on during the quarantine, I suddenly had more time to indulge in media. After a few months, I’ve notice a pattern, so here it is: a list of shows and stories that all have living dead people. 

TV Shows

Ghosts (BBC) -  The series follows a collection of ghosts from different historical periods haunting a country house while sharing the house with its new living occupants. This is a great show with well written plots, characters, and stories. I find it appeals especially to the queer and neurodivergent community.

What We Do In The Shadows - The series follows 4 vampires in a mockumentary format. If you like those shows where fiction meets real historical events, or just plain vampire humor, this is for you.

Pushing Daisies - The series follows a pie-maker with the ability to bring dead things back to life with his touch, an ability that comes with stipulations. Together with his formerly deceased childhood crush Chuck, private investigator Emerson Cod and co-worker Olive Snook, Ned uses his abilities to solve murder cases. Perfectly pleasing visuals, an interesting premise, and REALLY relatable for all of under quarantine. Lots of yearning.

Dead Like Me - George dies early in the pilot episode and becomes one of the "undead", a "grim reaper".  The show explores the experiences of a small team of such reapers, as well as the changes in George and her family as they deal with George's death. I’m not sure if the show employs edgy humor but I like it. It is slightly nihilistic in tone but the way it connects the experiences of life with the reality of death is a really interesting take. It’s perfect for teens and young adults. Also, Mandy Patinkin. 

The Good Place - Eleanor Shellstrop, a woman welcomed after her death to "the Good Place", a highly selective Heaven-like utopia designed and run by afterlife "architect" Michael as a reward for her righteous life. This series has everything: dreamlike scenes, nightmarelike scenes, philosophy, EAT THE RICH, genderless she/her icon Janet, good characters, accurate representations, and an all-around touching story.

Santa Clarita Diet - The series centers on husband and wife real estate team Joel and Sheila Hammond whose normal, boring lives change dramatically when Sheila shows symptoms of having become a zombie. The bewildered family seek a cure for her condition while dealing with its consequences. Wild family goes on the time of their lives because their mom has become a zombie. It’s great. They kill n*zis and a cop and eat them.

Star Trek - too many Star Trek episodes have the “oh no they died! anyway...” premise and aside from the idealistic paradise Gene Roddenberry pictured, death and resurrection are large themes in Star Trek.

Books/Graphic Novels/Short Stories

The Carpet Merchant of Konstantiniyya (by @reimenaashelyee​) - A two-volume Eisner-nominated graphic novel set in 17th century Istanbul and 18th century England, about a carpet merchant's reconcilitation with faith, love and home in the aftermath of his death by a vampire. It’s a great story. I’ll be telling this to everyone who will listen: the graphic novel is engaging and insightful, life cannot get better than this graphic novel. (Also: ACE REP!) Also by the author is The World in Deeper Inspection which explores the setting and premise of other characters.

The Shadow of The Wind (by Carlos Ruiz Zafón) -  Daniel, an antiquarian book dealer's son who mourns the loss of his mother, finds solace in a mysterious book entitled The Shadow of the Wind, by one Julian Carax. But when he sets out to find the author's other works, he makes a shocking discovery: someone has been systematically destroying every copy of every book Carax has written. Magical realism abounds, it’s sinister, it’s beautiful, it’s a perfect book about dancing the line between death and life.

The Graveyard Book (by Neil Gaiman) -  Nobody Owens, known to his friends as Bod, is a perfectly normal boy. Well, he would be perfectly normal if he didn't live in a graveyard, being raised and educated by ghosts, with a solitary guardian who belongs to neither the world of the living nor the world of the dead. Great book about growing up and leaving childhood. 

The Book Thief (by Markus Zusak) -  It is 1939. Nazi Germany. The country is holding its breath. Death has never been busier, and will be busier still. Featuring Death themself as the omniscient narrator, the story intertwines with books and stories of life and of survival. It’s a sobering book but important to read.

May Day Eve (by Nick Joaquin) - Magical realism, time travel vibes. But most importantly, myth, enchantment, the Devil, passion, everlasting love. There’s a reason why this is required reading for Philippine colleges. I cry every time I read it. 

Movies

Night at The Museum Trilogy - Night guard in charge of museum. Exhibits come back to life, wacky shenanigans follow. The only downside to this is that they visited the British Museum and not one of the exhibits screamed “I DONT BELONG HERE! TAKE ME BACK!”

The Book Thief - I would say it’s a faithful enough adaptation of the book.

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan and The Search for Spock

The Lovely Bones - astounding <3 ik she’s dead but letting her breach the curtain between life and death? Good shit.

What We Do In The Shadows - The mockumentary that started it all. Once again Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement are geniuses. And correct: all vampires know is be bisexual eat hot virgin and fly.

Musicals/Plays

Hadestown- Retelling of Orpheus and Eurydice. Folk type of music, features great talents and songs by Anaïs Mitchell. The story is good, it touches on capitalism, progress, labor, and love.

Indecent- Play exploring the play "God Of Vengeance" which was cited for indecency on Broadway for its themes and indecent acts committed by the actors. It begins as a play brought by several actors who rise from the ashes of the Holocaust and gradually extends to the multiple characters they become. I find this important for anyone interested in queer Jewish history.

I really like media focusing on death and life so recommend some and take some from the list!

ADDITIONAL NOTE: I have a really bad attention span but these stuff somehow get my brain. They're good.

#death mention #cannibalism mention #nazi mention #literature #books #the good place #what we do in the shadows #bbc ghosts #star trek #santa clarita diet #dead like me #pushing daisies #the book thief #may day eve #ph lit #night at the museum #the lovely bones #the shadow of the wind #the carpet merchant of konstantiniyya #indecent #hadestown #show recommendations

[jeanslongschlong]

Hii!! I love your writings and i was wondering, could you do an a-z porco version?? You can choose whether you prefer nsfw or not, i dont mind at all!! Just wanna see some content about mu baby🥺 hope you have a great day/week/month/year and please be safe💖

hi! i’m gonna do a separate fluff alphabet for him bc i love him so <3 i did this in a modern (college if u squint) au bc that’s generally what i think about when i write so i hope this is ok! hope u enjoy, i’m sorry this took so long! stay safe and have a lovely day ❤️

warnings: extremely nsfw lol, mild cursing

word count: 1491

a-z nsfw alphabet for porco galliard

nsfw under the cut!

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

I feel like Porco is a PRO at aftercare. I don’t know why, it’s just a hunch. I feel like he gives lots of shoulder kisses and runs his fingers through your hair, whispering to you just how much he loves you. Probably really enjoys taking baths with you! And MASSAGES! Especially if you guys just had a rather rough session (which I feel like is very often. IDK dude just the vibes I get from him)

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners)

He loves his hair, and he ESPECIALLY loves when you pull it. That’s one way to make him cum in his pants in .00005 seconds. On you I’d have to say your nose (: I feel like he loves giving you nose kisses and also putting you in positions (like the mating press) where your noses are practically pressing together when you’re having sex.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum, basically)

I feel like his cum is kinda salty, but nothing too bad. It definitely doesn’t taste bad. Porco doesn’t seem like the type to be too picky about where he cums, but I do think that his favorite and preferred place to cum on you is your face. It makes pride swell up inside of him that he’s the only person who gets to see you like this. It’s also kinda just his possessiveness showing?? IDK mannnnn but it’s hot as fuck

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Before you started dating he accidentally called one of his flings your name. He just brushed it off like it didn’t happen and made the person he slept with feel like they were hearing things LMFAO

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

I feel like he’s pretty experienced and knows what he’s doing, but mostly with people that he wasn’t involved with for more than a night. I don’t see Porco as someone who easily enters relationships, so most of his experience comes from clumsy and/or drunken one-night stands with random people he met at frat parties LMFAOOO

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying)

Mating press. He loves being fully in control and seeing you struggle to gain any sort of leverage on him. Also, the eye contact and the deep ass angles he can hit; he brushes against your sweet spot with every languid stroke. Need I say more?

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

Definitely not. Porco sees sex as serious even if he’s not in love with you- I feel like if you laughed it would just piss him off LOL

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

I mean I don’t think he actively shaves so he’s probably got a bit of hair down there, but it’s nothing too wild. I feel like he keeps it soft lol and it’s definitely not a bush. The hair is a few shades darker than the hair on his head. He one hundred percent keeps clean, tho, so that’s not something you’ll have to worry about

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect.)

Most times sex is a way for Porco to release his frustrations and anger. He doesn’t really see it as a loving act since most of his past experiences weren’t related to that in the slightest, but every now and then he gets a strong urge to worship you in every way possible because he wants you to know just what you do to and for him.

J = Jack off (Masturbation Headcanon)

Probably twice a week. Unlike a lot of the other AOT boys, I feel like Porco masturbates rather frequently. I feel like a lot of it stems from boredom, but some of it is (like most other things) related to frustration. It helps him zen out a bit

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Complete domination, choking, bondage, & spit play. I don’t think I need to say anything else on this topic, you can see what I’m getting at, yeah?

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

He’s honestly fine with wherever, just as long as the price of getting caught isn’t too great. He enjoys the risk and adrenaline rush that comes with doing it in public places (for example in the bathroom at a school football game or at a restaurant while you’re on a date). But if his or your reputation was on the line, he wouldn’t even think twice about it. His preferred place (if he had to pick) would be the floor ;)

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Tbh just about anything LOL I really see him as a guy with a high sex drive, so if he sees your shirt ride up a little too far and catches a glimpse of the undersides of your boobs? BAM. Boner. You bend over in front of him? Boner. Obviously he can keep this in check most of the time, but sometimes? He just doesn’t want to.

N = No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Pegging. Sorry guys, he just…wouldn’t.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He is SOOOO good at giving oral, however, he definitely prefers receiving over giving. It’s probably one of the only aspects in the bedroom where he ever hands you the reins. He may push your head down sometimes, though, he’s one of those guys. But he just enjoys seeing you struggle to take it. Polishes his ego

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He tends to be pretty fast and rough. He doesn’t really have the patience to go slowly LOL I feel like he’d get bored-

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He loves quickies. Especially when it could make one of you late (preferably you, he loves making you all flustered when someone asks what your reason for being late is). Like I mentioned previously, doing things slowly is definitely not something that Porco is very well versed in, so I don’t even really see you guys having long sessions very often. Quickies are just the norm for you guys. (You should be grateful for this, the longer sessions take DAYS to recover from. Praying for u)

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

It really just depends. You have to talk to him about it first, but I will say that he is more likely to say no than he is to agree, especially if his dominance is in question. He doesn’t like to give you control often

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

He can last a good while if he wants to, but he doesn’t normally. Your sessions tend to last 10-15 minutes on average (not including foreplay), but when he really wants to he can last 30-40 mins.

T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Probably a few vibrators lol. Definitely wants to buy a sex swing smh. Probably has a whip. All of these are for you, the thought of using a toy on himself makes him a bit uncomfortable.

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

I feel like Porco likes to tease on occasion, but something tells me that often times he’s way too impatient to bother. When Porco gets in the mood, he wants nothing more than to just bend you over and fuck the shit out of you right then and there. Anything that prevents him from doing so brings him out of the mood a little.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

I don’t think he moans perse… He definitely lets out long sighs and grunts and other animalistic noises, but there’s not much moaning. I will say that he is very very verbal, and his dirty talk is TOP TIER. That’s it. That’s all.

W = Wild Card (A random headcanon for the character)

His biggest fantasy is to fuck you while someone else is sleeping in the room-

X = X-ray (Let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Probably a good 6.5-7 in. And he THICC. You will definitely feel the burn at first with him

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH

Z = Zzz (How quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Not too quickly. He likes to make sure you’re okay first, and if you’re not feeling the best he’ll lay awake with you and talk to you until you’re asleep.

#attack on titan #aot #snk #shingeki no kyojin #porco galliard #porco galliard x reader #porco x reader #aot x reader