#it's been so hot outside the past few day so i've been drawing a lot

[milkyytae]

Midnight Secret

(gif isn't mine credit to owner)

Hey.

I know, it's been years. Most of you probably don't even use tumblr anymore. I've been lurking around tumblr this past month and rediscovered a lot of my old fics. I stumbled across this one I had started back in 2018 probably. And idk, it spoke to me. So I finished it. Here's a bit of office romance for you guys.

Love ya xoxo

-9540 words

Oneshot

smut, fluff?

Pairing: Female Reader x Kim Taheyung

Genre: Office AU

~ The office player has been trying to get you for months, maybe tonight is the night you give in. ~

music rec: poison - brent faiyez

thinkin bout you - frank ocean

break from toronto - partynextdoor

masterlist

4 pm. The usual tick of the clock resonated across the room as your boss, Ms.white’s voice kept going for ages, you thought she would never shut up. You lifted your eyes up from the small drawings you had scribbled on a piece of paper. There it was again, the usual gaze. It was a bit annoying after a while. Couldn’t he let it go? You thought you had made the message clear months ago but apparently not. Kim Taehyung kept hoping that one day you would be his. He was handsome and most women in this office gawked at him whenever he walked by but you had your eyes set on someone else. You cut the awkward stare by looking Namjoon’s way who was sitting across the table. His brows were furrowed as he concentrated on the meeting, fuck he was hot. Your crush on him was getting worse and worse, he was everything you wanted in a man. You should have been listening to the conversation around the table, it sounded quite important but you couldn’t help but gaze at your coworker’s traits. His eyes were fixed on Yixing who was talking he took a few notes of what was being said and placed the old pen back in between his pink lips. 

Your mind slowly drifted off to that one night when you got a taste of those lips. It had happened last week on a Friday night and you remembered all the details perfectly. You were wearing a deep red dress and sipping on champagne at a work party while chatting with your friend Summer. Namjoon joined the both of you, in his tightly fitted suit with a lovely smile plastered on his face. The conversation went well and so did the flirting to which you were surprised he responded too. Something was starting between you so Summer seeing that her presence was a bit of a burden decided to leave you both. Later on just before you left the party he walked you outside and it happened. He cupped your cheek and pulled you in by the waist before crashing a kiss upon your lips. It was just as you expected, he tasted of champagne and his touch did not fail to electrify your skin. However, not much contact had been established between you since. You thought it was the beginning of something but there was nothing. Only the usual greetings and farewells.  You usually thought of it in the most inconvenient moments, such as this meeting. 

You noticed it was a usual habit of his to chew on something, either gum or a pen and knowing such small details about him just proved how doomed you were. Rumours were that he had a girlfriend. It was probably rubbish, he wouldn’t have kissed you if he was in a relationship, he wasn’t that type of guy. 

Summer was the only one to know about all of this but you suspected Taehyung had his doubts about it too. You caught him more than once sending glares Namjoon’s way. 

Suddenly you felt a nudge on your side pulling you away from your thoughts you realised not only Summer but the rest of the group was staring at you. 

“Y/N I asked you a question.” your boss stated and she was clearly annoyed. You hadn’t listened and there was no valuable excuse you could give her. 

“I’m sorry, I zoned out for a couple of seconds,” you muttered a flush of red rising to your cheeks.

She sighed and repeated herself, “I asked you to share your opinions on what Taehyung just suggested.” 

Fuck, you didn’t listen to that either. You didn’t even realise he had spoken at all. You looked over at Taehyung only to see him smiling at you, obviously finding this quite amusing. There was no way out of this, so you just spat out some words hoping they would make a little sense as you gripped on the hem of your skirt nervously. After you spoke there was an awkward silence and you saw from the corner of your eye Summer had facepalmed after listening to your nonsense. You could feel your cheeks glowing with heat, you probably looked like a giant tomato by now. You just had to make a fool out of yourself in front of not only your boss but Namjoon too. Your boss coughed to get people’s attention and quickly moved on seeing that you had humiliated yourself enough. 

The meeting soon ended, everyone got up from their seats and began to leave. You followed the group grabbing your scribbled papers and your runny pen. But before you could leave you heard your boss’s stern voice calling your name. Summer turned around with an apologetic look as you both knew what was coming for you she muttered “I’ll get you a coffee.” and hurried out. 

You faced your boss, “Yes ma’am?” you said, hoping that she wouldn’t be too harsh. 

She lifted herself from her seat with a disapproving look. She glared at you from her short height as she stopped only a meter away from you. She was everything but pleased with your attitude. Although she wasn’t tall she was intimidating her very presence in a room made all heads turn. You felt a small shiver run down your spine as she pursed her lips in search of the right words to say. Maybe it was the way she kept her head high in all situations, or her black suit and bold lipstick. Maybe it was just the way she looked at everyone in a superior manner, or just the flick of her hair before she spoke. Either way, you were in trouble and you crossed your fingers not to get fired. 

“How many times have you zoned out this month?” she questioned. 

“It was only this once,” you replied and hoped she’d believe your big lie. Sadly she didn’t.

“Don’t lie.” she snapped, her eyes pierced through your own and you knew that you were fucked. You couldn’t hold her stare so your eyes drifted to your feet and you slumped your shoulders slightly like a small child who got caught in the middle of mischief. 

“If it ever happens again, you’ll get kicked out. I can’t waste time and money on employees like you. Understood?” 

You nodded your head, there was nothing much else you could do in this situation, it was best to shut up. 

“Tonight you’ll help Taehyung with the files I assigned him. Consider that an act of kindness I should have fired you on the spot.” 

“Thank you, Ma’am,” you muttered finally having the courage to look at her fiery green eyes.

“You may leave, I’ve had enough of you.” she sighed. 

You turned your heels eager to get out of the room before suffocating under the tense atmosphere. Just as you reached the door she called, “Oh and Y/N, get over Namjoon. I believe he’s already taken.” You gawked at her while she packed her stuff ignoring your presence. How on earth did she find out? 

“That’s all,” she spoke encouraging you to leave. You snapped out of it and finally left.

***

“So how did it go?” Summer asked as she handed you a coffee. 

You took the drink and drank a big gulp of coffee, and sighed “Next time she catches me zoning out I’m fired.” 

You felt like shit, you almost got fired all because you were too occupied by Namjoon’s good looks. You needed to get yourself back together. 

“Wow you got lucky, she’s fired people for less than that.” she smiled from her behind her computer screen in front of you. She was right, but that didn’t mean you weren’t fucked nonetheless.

“Yeah…” you looked out of the window upon the street like you usually did when you needed to escape the office for a moment. “I got assigned paperwork with Taehyung tonight, and knowing Ms.White there’s a shitload of it.” you groaned before slumping into the back of your seat and chucking your head backwards to stare at the white ceiling. Out of nowhere, Taehyung’s face appeared in your sight with a big grin he exclaimed, “So you’re going to help me out tonight?” 

You almost squealed, “Fuck Taehyung!” you hissed, “Yes I am. It’s not as if I have much of a choice.” 

He chuckled “You shouldn’t have gawked so much at Namjoon, I am much better looking.”  

It was true that Taehyung was drop-dead gorgeous, there was no denying that, but he wasn’t Namjoon. “Yeah right.” you scoffed, his cockiness annoyed you. 

“Oh my poor Y/N.” he sighed teasingly, “Did you not know that he has a girlfriend? I am afraid you don’t stand a chance with him.”

“What happens between me and Namjoon is none of your concern.” you snapped, you had had enough already, Taehyung was jealous but that wasn’t a reason for him to act like such a prick. 

He smirked “Namjoon isn’t good enough for you,” he gently bent over to whisper by your ear “Pick me instead baby.” 

“Why?” you hissed your face dangerously close to his. 

“I can make you come like no one else, ask Sarah.” 

Summer’s head suddenly popped out from behind her computer screen “Oh my god you fucked Sarah?!” 

He nodded, and you rolled your eyes at his proud look. While Summer was freaking out about this newfound gossip to tell people on her break. Taehyung turned around your way and said with a wink “Think about it, baby.” 

You ignored your blushing cheeks and exclaimed as he walked away “Shalln't.” 

It was true that you found him attractive and that his flirting was flattering considering the fact that everyone in the office would die to be in your place but he still annoyed you. So did that rumour about Namjoon having a girlfriend. You were starting to have doubts, you needed to talk to him. That kiss you shared you were sure it meant something. You felt a spark, and you knew he had felt it too. He wouldn’t have kissed you if he was in a relationship, he never would have. You decided that you would go talk to him before he left work. 

“Namjoon!” you called before he exited the building. He turned around and gave you the most adorable smile, you tried to keep your composure, now was not the time to get flustered. 

“Hey, is this about the files I am supposed to send you? I know I’m late I’m sorry I was going to send them when I got home.”

“Oh, no. That’s not it.” You bit the inside of your cheek nervously, you didn’t know how he would react. After all, neither of you had talked about what happened that night, you had no idea how he would react. “Listen,” you sighed before putting your hand on his arm and gently tugging him to the side, “I want to talk about-” you mustered up some courage and finally said it, “about the kiss.” 

His eyes opened widely, he wasn’t expecting that. “Oh- Oh I- uh- what exactly about it?” 

Fuck, fuck, fuck this wasn’t going as you had hoped, you were hoping he wouldn’t get so uncomfortable at the mention of it, that perhaps he would even kiss you again, but that was just another of your stupid fantasies. “You see Namjoon-” you began, “I felt something when we kissed, but I was wondering what it was all about? Why did you kiss me?” 

He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead, “Fuck,” he sighed before looking back at you, “I fucked up real bad, you know Y/N?” 

“What? Why?” 

“You have no idea do you?” 

“No, should I?” 

“You haven’t heard the rumours?” 

“Yeah, I have,” then it hit you, “you have a girlfriend?” 

He nodded, and you felt your heartthrob, there went all your hopes of ever becoming his. 

“Since when?” 

“It’s been a while now,” you gave him an insisting look, and he got the message, “Yes, I was with her when I kissed you.” 

You couldn’t believe it, you were so deep into the idea that he liked you back that you didn’t think it was possible. 

“Why did you do it then?” 

“I was kind of drunk and I had just had a fight with my girl and you were there and you were openly flirting and it- it just happened Y/N.” he sighed again. 

“So you were never interested in something more?” your voice broke a bit, you were struggling to grasp what was going on. Was he rejecting you? He couldn’t be? It had to be some kind of sick joke. That night, he seemed so sincere. Or maybe you were just that naive. 

“No I’m sorry.” you stayed silent in shock, “Listen, I have to go I’ll see you around,” he said and just walked away as if nothing had happened. 

Well fuck you just got rejected in the worst way possible. You had put your hopes too high again. You snapped out of your daze and walked back to your desk with all your disappointment weighing on your shoulders. You had been such a fool, everyone knew, but you. The whole office believed the rumour except you. You just kept dreaming about being his. How fucking stupid of you. Everyone was leaving the office, and only a few people were left sitting at their desks to finish their work. One of them was eating a sandwich and you could smell the fresh bread from where you were. Your stomach rumbled, you hadn’t brought anything to eat with you. You weren’t expecting to stay late at work tonight. You wondered how you would get food tonight, and just as you were thinking about it Taehyung approached, 

“Hey, you hungry?” he asked with his usual grin. You looked up at him and wondered if you wanted to go out to eat with him. Why not? You just got rejected by your crush you had nothing to lose. 

“Fuck yes, I am.” for once you smiled at him, he seemed somewhat startled by your sudden change of attitude towards him. He pretended like it was nothing and proceeded to ask: “How about we get food together?” 

“Sure!” you exclaimed excited to finally get some food in your belly. 

***

“So how’s that sushi treating you?” Taehyung chuckled as you were stuffing your face with the most amazing food you had ever tried. 

“This is fucking delicious! I can’t believe I didn’t know this place,” you exclaimed as you dipped your sashimi in soy sauce. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing, my brother owns this place.” he smiled gently. 

“Huh? You have a brother?” For some reason, you had never imagined him having any family at all. He was just Taehyung the handsome fuckboy that gawked at you while you were on the phone with your clients. 

“I have 2 actually, Jungkook and Jimin.” he said while still chewing his food, “They’re little shits but I love them to death.” 

“That’s kind of cute,” you said as you started to realise that there was more to this man than you thought. The realisation that you might have misjudged him was starting to make you a bit uncomfortable. It was hard picturing someone who said things like “I’ll make you come like no one else” with a family. Having him around kind of felt like having a default NPC at the office, one whose role was to flirt with you and make you uncomfortable.

“So, when did you and Sarah get together?” you asked, in an attempt to change the subject. You didn’t feel like getting too personal with him. 

He didn’t even bat an eye when you asked that question and just said bluntly “Last month actually, I wasn’t expecting it to happen to be honest.” 

You scoffed “Yeah right”

“What?” he exclaimed looking up at you in disbelief. you couldn’t help but notice how cute his expression was. He looked like a shocked little puppy with his big brown eyes. 

“As if you weren’t constantly prowling around the office. Kim Taehyung the all-mighty predator, ready to pounce on poor little Sarah.”

“Is that really how you picture me?” he almost looked saddened by the simple thought. 

You were a bit embarrassed now, maybe you had been a bit too harsh. “I mean-” caught off guard by his reaction you stuttered slightly “That’s kind of the image you give off though.” 

He looked down and smiled “I guess you’re right, I do kind of prowl around don’t I?” he looked back up at you with a flicker in his eyes and a big grin. “But come on, Sarah was practically begging for it.” He took a high-pitched voice and started imitating her “Oh Taehyuuuuung, would you please help me with this document, it won’t send for some reason” he batted his eyes and pouted his lips. You couldn’t help but burst out laughing, it was spot on. Indeed, she had always found some ridiculous reason to get his attention, not being able to use the copier, getting him a coffee, or asking for help with her emails and always while batting her eyes at him and pouting slightly. You had always found it a bit much. 

You started joking around together about Sarah and other people in the office. As you spent supper gobbling sushi and laughing wholeheartedly, you started to realise that he wasn’t too bad after all. 

As you approached the end of the meal someone walked over to your table “Hey bro, how’s it going?” 

Teahyung jumped to his feet and exclaimed “Jungkook, my man,” He embraced the stranger and you caught a glimpse of him over Teahyung’s shoulder.  “It’s going good, I’ve missed you!” 

Jungkook released himself from the embrace and turned towards you, he grinned “And who is this fine lady?” He even gave you a wink, you then realised. Jungkook. This was Teahyung’s brother. 

“Come on man, this is my colleague Y/N” 

“Nice to meet you,” you said politely and extended out your hand. Jungkook gently shook it, and smiled “Ohhh Y/N pleasure to finally meet you. This one’s been talking about you quite a lot” he teasingly elbowed Taehyung who looked like he was blushing slightly. 

“Oh shut up already” he sighed, but Jungkook continued “I mean Y/N you can’t imagine how bummed out he was last month when you-” he was cut off 

“Hey Jungkookie why don’t I tip you extra and you shut the fuck up. Right?” Although he wasn’t facing you you could tell his expression had stiffened and his voice had raised slightly. Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck and quickly shook off his embarrassment.

“Make sure you tip me real nice Tae.” he winked “Have a nice evening guys” and walked off. 

You observed Taehyung’s expression, wondering what exactly had got him so upset. It wasn’t at all in his character to raise his voice even a little. You cocked your head slightly, fiddling with your chopsticks to calm your nerves. Jungkook’s words played back in your mind “You can’t imagine how upset he was last month”  What had you done last month? You couldn’t recall anything in particular? You really wanted to know what he was talking about but when you caught Taehyung’s eye you thought that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. You preferred to avoid all embarrassing conversations. You knew he had a slight crush on you, that was all you needed to know. You weren’t interested so there was no point in bringing it up. That would just be mean. 

It was time for you to leave and go back to the office. As you stepped outside you realised it was pouring. This summer had been pretty dry so far so you hadn’t even brought your coat with you. All you were wearing was a pencil skirt and a white shirt. Teahyung stood next to you contemplating the rain with his hands in his pockets. You were still standing under the porch in front of the restaurant. You both looked defeated. 

“I don’t have an umbrella” he sighed. 

“Neither do I.” you looked up at the sky as if that would change anything. All you could see were grey clouds. “I think it’s going to go on for a while.” You checked your phone, 8 pm. You had to be back at work soon if you wanted to finish work before midnight. “We need to get going.” 

Taehyung looked at you with a cheeky smile on his face, “Should we run for it?” 

“Huh?” he wanted you to run back to the office? With these heels? “You can’t be serious?” 

“Oh come on, it’s not that far.” He was right, the office was only two blocks away. “First one there wins.” you could tell he was getting excited just by the idea. You looked down at your feet and contemplated your shiny red heels. You could run in these. However, it would hurt like hell. 

He realised why you were hesitant, “I could carry you there you know.” You looked him in the eyes. To be honest the offer was tempting. But the idea of being pressed up against him made you uneasy. He would have his fingers digging into your bare thighs as your arms would be wrapped around his broad shoulders. It was out of the question.

“Absolutely not Kim Taehyung.” you snapped. “Come on then. Last one loses.” and with that, you set off and started running. 

“Hey! That’s cheating Y/N!” you heard him starting to run behind you. The cold rain whipped your cheeks. You kept your eyes on the pavement, making sure not to misplace your feet and fall over. Taehyung quickly caught up with you and teased you as he ran by “I thought you’d be faster than that.” 

You furrowed your eyebrows and looked up at him “Oh shut u-” Just as you started insulting him you felt your heel snap and your ankle gave away. You didn’t have time to do anything about it, you were on the ground. You caught yourself with your hands and scraped them on the pavement. 

Taehyung turned around “Y/N!” he exclaimed “Are you okay?” he came back towards you and you felt his big warm hands press against your shoulders. There you were on all fours looking at the floor. You had never been so humiliated. First Ms.White, then Namjoon and now this. You felt yourself tearing up slightly. It had been a shit day and it felt like the shock of the fall was just shoving all of your repressed emotions back out. You could feel your throat clench as you tried to keep them down. Your lip was trembling ever so slightly and you gulped on air trying to regain your composure. Why had Namjoon kissed you? Why would he even do such a thing? You were most likely going to be fired too. Fucking stupid Ms.White. You felt yourself starting to spiral. Those were your favourite heels as well. You stared at your hands and swallowed back your tears. Teahyung helped you back onto your feet. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” you muttered, not daring to even look him in the eye. He could probably tell how upset you were. 

“Oh no you’re bleeding Y/N” Taehyung said softly. You looked down at your knees and noticed blood trickling down your right leg, “Perfect” you thought. You tried keeping your composure and just stood there looking miserable. Taehyung didn’t say a word, he picked up the broken piece of your heel and gently approached you. You felt a warmth on your thighs and before you knew it you were in the airs. He was carrying you. Instinctively you wrapped your arms around his neck to not fall off. 

“Let’s get you inside,” he said softly. You felt the warmth of his body through his wet shirt and felt slightly comforted. You were too down to say anything about it, and the proximity wasn’t as uncomfortable as you had imagined. It was actually quite nice. His thumbs massaged your skin gently as he carried you across the block to your office. After a couple minutes, you let your head rest against him as you did you swear you felt his grip tighten around you and heard a small sigh escape his lips. A small tear trickled down your face.

Soon enough you had arrived back at the office. You expected him to put you down by the time you had reached the door. But he didn’t. He kept you in his arms and entered the elevator. He pressed the button and the lift brought you both upstairs in silence. All you could hear was his breath. None of you had said a word since he had started carrying you. He walked over to your desk and sat you down on it. He paused briefly standing between your legs his hands moving slowly up and down your thighs. You could feel his breath on your face and you stared at his lips. You had never noticed just how plump and pink they were. 

After a couple of seconds, Teahyung broke the silence and pulled himself away from you. “We should get that patched up before you put more blood everywhere” he chuckled. You were confused at first and then noticed that his shirt was covered in your blood. 

You gasped “Oh no! Taehyung, I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” he chuckled. As you stared at his chest you noticed that his shirt was not only stained but also completely transparent because of the rain. His shirt was clinging to his skin and you could see how well-built he was under his clothes. No wonder all the women at work wanted a taste. He was looking quite handsome, his hair was all wet and fell onto his forehead. His cheeks were slightly pink after walking in the cold and probably from having to carry you in. He had rolled up his sleeves revealing his veiny arms and you couldn’t help but admire how beautiful he was. He looked like he had just walked out of a magazine. As he walked away you looked down at yourself and realised that your shirt was also completely see-through and your black laced bra was on full display. Of course, it was. You imagined just how stupid you looked right now. Your eyes were swollen, hands and knees scraped, hair drenched, your shirt completely see-through and a missing heel on your shoes. Pathetic. 

Taehyung came back with a box of plasters and some disinfectant. He was about to take care of it for you but you stood up and took the products from his hands. “Thanks,” you muttered, “let’s get our work done and head home.”

He took a step back and teased “So serious, I don’t know why Ms.White hates you so bad.” 

You chuckled and rolled your eyes. Soon enough you were both back to work. 

10 pm. You weren’t anywhere close to being done. You had to work at least one more hour. You looked at the pile of files to your right and collapsed dramatically on your desk “When will this torture be over,” you whined. 

You heard some glass clinking “Hey, Y/N,” you lifted your head and caught Taehyung’s cheeky gaze. He was holding a bottle in his hand “I got us some Sake.” 

You grinned, you could use a pick-me-up right about now. “Count me in” you grinned. 

He poured you a drink and you downed it. You continued your work. Then drank another shot, then another. And another. Your cheeks were burning up slightly and your focus was a bit all over the place. 

“Hey Y/N” 

“What again,” you sighed. Taehyung had been pestering you all night. 

“Why were you so sad earlier?” he asked. 

You lifted your head and there he was, yet again, staring at you with those puppy dog eyes. 

“Namjoon rejected me today,” you answered bluntly. You didn’t want to go into details. “He has a girlfriend apparently.”

To your surprise, Taehyung laughed. Shocked you stuttered “What’s- What’s so funny?” 

“He’s always, and I mean always been an asshole. I feel like I’m the only one who sees it here.”

“He’s actually really nice.” you defended him. You liked Namjoon, he had always been kind to you, and he was funny, smart and caring. But he was also an asshole. A huge asshole. But you didn’t feel like admitting that just yet. 

“Of course, you would say that” he scoffed. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you raised your voice slightly. You realised the alcohol had taken a bit more of a toll on you than you had planned. 

“I just mean that he doesn’t deserve your attention. You’ve only ever had eyes for him.” he started mumbling something unintelligible. 

You pulled your chair over to his desk. “What did I do last month?” 

“Huh? Wh- What?” he adverted his gaze flustered. You never imagined you would see him like this, he was always so confident.

“Your brother, he mentioned something I did last month,”  you insisted. Teahyung looked down and started tapping his pen on his desk. 

“Last month,” he started “I was talking to Namjoon and he was telling me how much he wanted to in his words “fuck you”.” Those words struck you in the chest. It felt like someone had punched the air out of you. What the actual fuck? Namjoon said that? You couldn’t believe it.

“Fuck me?” you exclaimed, you had never heard Namjoon talk like that. Come to think of it, you could recall a couple of times at last week’s party where he had a few unsettling things about people he had dated in the past. However, you had chosen to ignore whatever he had said. The more you thought about it the more you started to believe Taehyung. Your heart ached, you had been so stupid. This whole time you thought Namjoon actually liked you. 

“He told me he thought you had the perfect lips to suck him off or whatever,” he placed his face in his hands as if he was struggling to say it, “I- I don’t know he said a bunch of other things. That day I wanted to tell you. To warn you, you know. Cos I could tell you liked him.” Had you been that obvious? Was the whole office aware of how you felt about him?  “I headed towards the break room where you were hanging out with Summer. And I don’t know- You were just ranting about how much you liked Namjoon and-” he couldn’t bring himself to finish his sentence. You didn't understand why he was being so dramatic about it all. You slumped back into your seat “I-” you started but he immediately cut you off. 

“Listen,” he said, “I know- I know how it feels to like someone so much,” he looked up at you and locked his eyes with yours “and for them not to like you back.” 

Then it hit you. Of course, he was talking about you. You remembered that day. Namjoon had offered to help you with some work at a local coffee shop that weekend and you were ecstatic. You couldn’t shut up about it. Summer couldn’t bear hearing about it anymore by the end of the day. Taehyung had walked in during your coffee break and you had ignored his offer to pour you some coffee and just kept ranting about how great Namjoon was. You always gave Taehyung the cold shoulder. You stared back at him in silence for a few seconds realising that maybe you had been kind of a bitch to him, “Listen, I- I didn’t know you felt that deeply about it.” 

“Yeah, I kind of do,” he smiled and you couldn’t help but notice a small dimple on his left cheek.  “I mean at least I understand how much this sucks for you right?” he started pouring you another shot. 

“Yeah it fucking sucks. “ you agreed. However, you were already starting to feel a bit better about it. Knowing that he had said those awful things about you kind of disgusted you. All Namjoon wanted was to get his dick wet apparently. He would have done it if he had had the chance. You couldn’t believe you had fallen for his act.

“Cheers to that,” you raised your glass and downed the burning liquor. 

“Look at us,” you sighed “Workers of the week”.

“You know what we should do?” mischief sparkled in Taehyung’s eyes and you were intrigued to know what he was about to suggest.

“What?” you asked excited to know the answer. The liquor had enhanced your enthusiasm. 

“Come on,” he took your hand and dragged you towards Namjoon’s desk. You looked at him confused. Taehyung snorted and then violently spat on Namjoon’s chair. You burst out laughing. “Fuuuuuuck” you exclaimed. You looked at the wet patch of saliva left on the chair slowly sinking into the fabric “Ewwww” you squealed. 

“Your turn now, I dare you”, Taehyung shoved you towards the chair. You stared down at it and spat right away. No second thoughts. Namjoon deserved to sit in a gross chair. He was a cheater and a liar. 

“Wow, I didn’t expect you to actually go for it.” 

You turned around and saw Taehyung standing then in slight shock. “Turns out you’re quite nice Tae” you blurted out. He was nice. You don’t know why you had never noticed before. 

“Of course, I’m fucking nice Y/N,” he cocked his head while looking confused. 

You rested yourself on the desk behind you. “So was Sarah your rebound last month?” 

Taehyung rolled his eyes, “Yeah, she was. I told you I wasn’t really expecting it to happen.” He bit down on his lip as if he was holding something else back before blurting out “You’re the only one I want Y/N.” 

You felt blood rushing to your cheeks. It was flattering, and you found yourself quite embarrassed. All you found to say was “I’m sorry I was so harsh on you.” you really were sorry. For months on end, you knew he had a thing for you. Yet, you always went out of your way to be extra mean to him when you had the chance. You didn’t know why. Maybe you thought he was just another fuckboy trying to get into your pants. In the end, that person turned out to be Namjoon. You couldn’t be more disgusted. 

“That’s ok.” he blushed a little and looked down at his feet embarrassed. You stood up from the desk and got closer to him. You gently brushed his hair out of his face. For some reason your hand found itself pressed against his burning cheek. You noticed when glancing over his shoulder “It’s almost midnight Tae”. Tae. It was the first time you ever called him that. You heard his close friends use that nickname and you quite liked how it felt rolling off your tongue. Tae. 

You were about to remove your hand to get back to work but Taehyung pressed his hand against yours to stop you from moving away. His other hand gripped your waist and suddenly his lips crashed onto yours. You were slightly taken aback by the sudden kiss and felt your muscles tense up a bit. However, within seconds you allowed yourself to sink into the tender kiss. His soft lips pressed against yours, your cheeks were burning and his hands started to slowly roam around your body. He separated from you and you stared into each other’s eyes. His eyes were pitch black and his cheeks were flushed red. He looked over to the clock “It’s midnight now,” he whispered, “we should get back-”. You didn’t let him finish his sentence and hungrily kissed him. He tasted sweet like Sake. You slid your hands under his damp shirt. You had been eyeing his chest ever since you had come back from the restaurant. The feel of his burning skin against yours made your juices start to flow. You wanted more. Taehyung lifted you onto Namjoon’s desk and you wrapped your legs around him. The kiss became deeper and deeper as your tongues intertwined. You could feel his hardening length press up against your core. 

Soon enough he tore your top off and all the buttons of your shirt went flying away. You didn’t even care. His mouth attacked your neck as his left hand cupped your breast. His other hand pushed you against his throbbing dick. You could feel how big it was through the fabric. The heat between your legs started to trickle down your legs. Your underwear was getting wet, and fast. As Taehyung left wet kisses down your neck and made his way down to your breasts he smoothly unclipped your bra. You could tell he was used to this. His tongue attacked your hard nipples and you let out a soft moan “Tae”. Your hand cupped the back of his head and you massaged him, encouraging him to keep going. He bit down on your tender bud before softly pulling on it. You let your head tilt back, fuck it felt good. As he kept devouring your chest you let out soft whimpers. You couldn’t believe this was happening. Kim Taehyung was eating your tits and you were letting him. In fact, you wanted him to. You wanted him to fuck you. Right here, right now in this office. You could feel your pussy throbbing. You needed to be touched. You lifted Taehyung’s face and kissed him plentifully. You lifted his shirt off of him and finally got to take in just how gorgeous this man was. You stood up and quickly fetched a clean chair. Taehyung looked slightly confused. You came over towards him and kissed him on the neck before descending his chest. His skin smelt like vanilla and aftershave. Soon you reached his belt which you unbuckled swiftly before starting to pull down his trousers. Taehyung let out a sigh as he realised what was about to happen. As you tugged on his underwear, you released his cock and had to keep in a gasp. You heard him chuckle and realised that your jaw had dropped. There it was, Kim Taehyung’s massive cock on full display all pink and throbbing impatiently. You looked up at him with a satisfied smile and pushed him down onto the chair. You got onto your knees eager to taste him. He stared at you impatient for you to touch him. You started by gently kissing his inner thighs, slowly approaching his length. You finally grabbed it with your right hand as the other one rested on his thigh for balance. “It’s so big” you muttered as you stared at him. “Of course it is babygirl” he teased. Usually, that kind of nickname would have made you cringe. But there was something about the way he said it that made your pussy clench. You then proceeded to lick his length from the base to the tip, getting a small sigh of relief from Taehyung’s lips. You let your mouth slide onto his red tip and let your tongue swirl slowly around it. You noticed his grip tighten on the armrest. You looked up at him and stared into his hungry eyes. Soon enough, your head was bobbing up and down his length as your hand followed the rhythm. You tried going as deep as possible without gagging and your eyes were tearing up slightly as his dick hit the back of your throat. It was so worth it. Taehyung was biting down on his lips and letting out small moans “Y/N”, “Fuck”, “Don’t stop”. It was the hottest thing you had ever laid your eyes on. There he was at your mercy. His fingers dug into the leather armrests, and his chest was heaving as he took heavy breaths and whimpered under your touch. You locked eyes with him and picked up the pace. He moaned and hissed “Fuck Y/N you’re such a good girl taking my big cock.” 

You moaned in satisfaction against his dick. “You love sucking me off don’t you” he teased, “go deeper babygirl”. You obeyed and shoved his length deeper, you almost gagged and he sighed “Good girl”. Your panties were drenching. You rubbed your thighs together to get some release but in vain. “You taste so good Tae” you whispered before taking in his length yet again. Your hand crept down from Taehyung’s thigh to between your own. Your fingers rubbed themselves against your wet panties. Your pussy was desperate, you needed to be touched. Just the delicate touch of your fingers sent shivers down your spine. You started letting your fingers trace your folds, going up and down in the same motion as your head on Tae’s cock. Taehyung noticed and chuckled “That’s my job baby,” he gently pushed you off his throbbing length. Before you knew it he had picked you and slammed you onto Namjoon’s desk. He quickly pulled down your tight skirt and underwear before spreading your thighs. “Fuck” he let out “you’re so beautiful Y/N” and you felt yourself blushing. 

His lips devoured you as he pushed your body onto the table. Your head was resting on a pile of files. Taehyung’s nimble fingers slid down your body towards your core. As his fingertips met your centre and started running up and down your folds, you couldn’t help but let out another moan “I want you to fuck me so bad”. You could feel him smile against your neck as you said that. 

“You can’t imagine how long I’ve wanted to hear that”. His fingers swiftly entered you and started gliding in and out. His thumb roamed around searching for your clit. He knew he found it when you let out a hiss. His whole body was pressed against yours and you could feel his hard cock resting on your thigh. His fingers started going a bit faster and curled inside of you, hitting your sweet spot. His thumb slowly picked up the pace too and you found yourself gripping the sides of the desk. His mouth attacked your neck once more, this time sucking and biting on your skin before gently licking the sore spots. 

You whimpered as his fingers hit your G-spot yet again. “Tae- fuck- don’t stop”. He obeyed and continued at the same rhythm, his thumb applying just a bit more pressure on your clit. You could feel your muscles starting to tense up. Fuck it felt so good. 

“Are you going to come for me Y/N?” Taehyung asked between kisses. You couldn’t even find the strength to answer and could only let out a small moan.

He asked again, “Y/N” and his fingers sped up. “I asked, are you going to come for me?” you could tell how pleased he was with himself. 

You could feel the pleasure starting to ripple from your core. “Yes” you whined, there it was. The heat poured from your pussy and crashed across your body “Yes Tae, fuck yes.” You arched your back and felt yourself convulse. “Fuck” you sighed as your muscles trembled, “fuck”. 

Taehyung leaned back and looked at you his eyes full of lust. “Now let me fuck you babygirl”. He grabbed a condom out of nowhere and slid it onto his length. You were surprised something so small could fit on something so big. He cocked his head and innocently smiled at you. Taken aback by this sudden change of expression you didn’t even notice him grab his cock and point it towards your pussy. Suddenly he shoved himself inside you, you were so wet it glided in without effort. You both moaned as he entered your walls. Your hands found their way to his back and your legs wrapped around his waist. 

He started motioning back and forth between your legs. “Tae” you whined, it was slightly embarrassing just how vulnerable he made you. 

“Fuck Y/N,” he whimpered as he grabbed your hips “you feel so good on my cock.” he slammed his length inside you once more and you both gasped for air. He started pushing himself inside of you repeatedly and you could hear his heavy breathing beside your ear. You clawed at his back and encouraged him by tightening the grip your legs had on his waist. Small moans kept escaping your swollen lips. 

He leaned backwards and although reticent to let him escape your embrace at first, you couldn’t help but gasp when you saw just how beautiful this man was. There he was standing between your legs. His skin glistening with sweat, his hair sticking to his forehead thrusting his hips back and forth, his cock hitting your sweet spot over and over again. 

His lips were smothered in your lipstick and slightly open as soft moans repeatedly escaped his plump lips. “Fuck you’re so hot Tae”. 

He grinned at your words and slammed himself further inside of you making you whine some more. He grabbed your legs and placed them on his shoulders offering his cock a new angle. A better angle, you instantly moaned as his length hit your walls. There it was, he had found the spot and he knew it. He bit down on his bottom lip and let his hand creep up between your legs. You looked at him impatiently. He started rocking back and forth and his thumb attached your clit again. Your moans became louder. You could feel your juices flowing down your thighs. Your chest heaved as you tried to keep a steady breath. Your grip around the edge of the desk tightened yet again. If he kept going like this you would come again. “Don’t stop.” you whined. 

“Hmm?” he hummed, “Sorry babygirl I didn’t hear that.” he cooed and he slightly slowed down the pace. 

“No,” you pleaded, “Please”. You couldn’t bare him stopping now, you needed him to fuck you harder. 

“I can’t hear you Y/N.” he kissed your calf as to encourage you, and pushed himself inside of you slowly. 

You finally mustered up the courage to scream “Please- Tae-” you panted “Fuck me- Harder”.

He grinned in satisfaction “Good girl” and slammed his cock inside you. You both gasped and he began rocking back and forth. He pressed his left hand on your lower stomach to keep you in place as he hit your sweet spot over and over again. His other hand focused on your clit and there it was again. The heat was taking over your body, and spreading from your centre to the rest of your body. 

“That’s it, baby,” he hummed pleased with himself “Let yourself go.” and with those words, there it was again. Your orgasm crashed onto you as a massive wave and all you could do was let the moans escape, louder and louder. Your walls clenched around Taehyung’s length as you spasmed. 

You noticed he started grunting louder and his head had tilted back. “Come for me Tae,” you moaned. He chuckled and picked up the pace. There you were. Both moaning and hissing loudly. The desk was shaking under you both. Pens and papers falling to the floor. You finished your orgasm and all your muscles relaxed. 

You looked up at Teahyung who was on the verge of cumming. “I love your big cock Tae,” you hummed and clenched your walls around him. 

And there it was he moaned louder and let his eyes roll to the back of his head. Sweat trickled down his forehead. “Fuck Y/N- ah- fuck-”  

He slowed down, your legs slid down from his shoulders and he let himself crash on top of you. You were both lying there catching your breath. Your hands caressed his hair gently and you closed your eyes fully relaxed in his presence. You felt his heart beating against you and kissed him softly on the top of his head. The haze from the Sake was starting to clear up and you were slowly realising what had actually happened. 

Teahyung lifted himself from on top of you and slowly pulled himself out. He grabbed a box of tissues and kneeled before your open legs. He took one and started cleaning up “God you’re made a mess” he teased and you playfully kicked him “Shut up, it’s your fault”.

He kissed the inside of your thigh tenderly before sliding your panties back on. 

You both got dressed in silence after that. 

1 am. You sat back down at your desks and finished your work quietly. You weren’t sure what to do after what had happened. It all happened so fast. One second you were working, the next you were drunk and getting fucked on Namjoon’s desk. 

1:30 am. The rest of the work had been done rather quickly. None of you had said a word the whole time. You sat there staring at Taehyung, his shirt unbuttoned and skin still glistening. You could still feel the stretch his cock had given to your pussy and your walls clenched at the thought. He looked up and caught you staring lustfully at him. He winked and you sighed with exasperation. “I’m almost done you can head home if you want,” he said. 

You knew you could leave for a while now but for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to budge. It was as if you were so mesmerised by him that you were unable to move. What had gotten into you? 

“What’s the matter?” Taehyung inquired as he cocked his head slightly revealing the bruises you had left on his neck. You didn’t think you had sucked so hard on his skin. 

“I don’t know Taehyung, should we talk about what happened?” 

“What is there to talk about?” 

Flashbacks of him pounding into you as you struggled to keep your balance on Namjoon’s desk reassurged and you blushed, “I mean you did just fuck my brains out in the office,” you mumbled making Taehyung laugh, “Ah yes, there is that”. 

An awkward silence followed as you both stared at each other remembering what had happened earlier. “Listen Taehyung I don’t really want people knowing about this in the office,” you said as you stood up and started to pack your things. You took your extra pair of shoes out of your drawers and slid them on. You always had a spare pair in case your feet hurt too much or if you twisted your ankle or something. 

Taehyung put the last file aside and pushed his seat back from his desk. He looked up at you, as he leaned back in his seat his legs spread and brushed his damp hair out of his face. “You know, I really like you right?” he inquired. 

You were a bit flustered by his question “I- um- I guess that now I know.” 

“Would you want to go see a movie next week?” he stood up from his chair, put his coat on and slowly walked towards you. You were thinking about it, would you want to go on a date with him? Usually, your answer would have been a stern no and you would have immediately walked away. But after what had happened, you found yourself hesitant. He was now standing right in front of you as you stared blankly and his chest. He put his fingers on your chin and gently lifted your face to make you look at him. There he was towering over you with a soft smile on his face. You could smell his musk, he smelt a little sweaty but to your surprise you kind of liked the smell. “Listen, I’d understand if you said no,” his hands slipped down to your waist and he pressed himself up against you “It’s just that I had a lot of fun tonight, and I feel like you had fun too.” 

You rested your hands on his chest and thought about it. He was right, to your surprise you had had quite a lot of fun tonight. “Taehyung,” you started, “I did have a lot of fun, but” you weren’t sure how to go about this “I- I’d prefer if we took things slow and I don’t want anyone knowing about tonight. Ms.White already hates me and if she starts hearing that I’m sleeping around with my colleagues and-” 

Taehyung cut you off with a kiss, “I’ll take that as a yes then.” He took you by the arm and you started heading towards the elevator. There was a bit of tension between you. He had retracted too soon from that kiss and left you wanting more. You walked in and as the doors shut he turned towards you and your eyes locked for a split second before you were in each other’s embrace again. Your lips collided and his tongue found its way into your mouth. You groped at his ass and stood on your tiptoes to reach him. His lips made their way down your neck and soon enough he was on his knees in front of you. He started kissing your legs and you could feel your underwear getting soaked again. His pupils were dilated and you could tell how horny he was, “Can I?” he muttered gesturing at the hem of your skirt. You nodded eagerly and he complied, he lifted it above your waist. His lips made their way towards your hip where they found your underwear he bit down tenderly on the edge of the fabric and slowly pulled them down with his teeth. Soon enough your pussy was on full display still pink and sore from earlier. You stared down at him as he kissed your inner thighs. He hadn’t touched your centre yet and you could already feel it pounding eagerly. Soon his tongue traced its way to your folds and he gently swiped it up and down. He pulled back “You taste so good,” he hummed before shoving his face back in, this time burying his tongue deeper inside you. You gasped and put your weight onto the wall. You could feel your juices pouring out onto his tongue as he licked it all up. You looked down at his head between your thighs, and your gaze met his. He stared up at you with his beautiful brown eyes, his fingers made their way towards your core. Suddenly you felt his fingers slip inside of you. His tongue found your sensitive bud and started applying pressure to it and his fingers went back and forth inside of you. The friction made your muscles tense up, your pussy was already so sensitive from earlier and everything felt so much more intense this time round. He wasn’t going too fast and let the heat build up slowly. Your soft moans and the wet kissing noises filled the silence of the elevator. You must have arrived at the bottom floor already, in fact, the door must have opened at some point, but neither of you had noticed. He hummed against your wet skin and kept going at the same steady pace his eyes staring into yours. 

You couldn’t avert your gaze “Fuck- Tae- ah-” you whimpered as you did your best to keep your balance. Your legs were stiffening and trembled a bit as he kissed your tender spot. His fingers were repeatedly hitting the spot that made you weak in the knees. You could feel yourself faltering under his touch. He grabbed your ass and gave you support with his free hand. You whined as he smacked your bare ass. Your hands made their way under your top and your fingers found your nipples. You started playing with your tits and your moans became louder. You could tell how satisfied he was with the sight before him. You squeezed your nipples harder and the pain made you whine. Taehyung’s tongue pressed a bit harder against your clit and he started swirling faster. You could feel your climax approaching. Taehyung’s hand on your ass helped you keep on your feet. If he let go you would surely collapse to the floor. He squeezed your ass cheek as if to signal you to let go, and you did, waves of pleasure crashed onto your body and you moaned louder at each swipe of his tongue against your clit. After a few seconds, he removed himself, his face covered in your juices and he kissed you passionately. You could taste your fluids on his tongue and you gripped yourself to his waist to not fall. Pressed up against him you could feel his hard cock throbbing with desire. 

He pulled himself away from you with a big smile, “Don’t worry,” he whispered “this will be our little midnight secret baby” before he gave you a last kiss. 

#bts #taehyung #kim taehyung #v #fanfic #smut #namjoon #rm #rapmonster #bts taehyung #bts fanfic #bangtan #jungkook #jimin #bts v #yoongi #min yoongi #suga bts #jin #seokjin #hoseok #jhope #fluff #bts fanfiction #bts smut #bts x you #bts x reader #taehyung x reader #bts fluff

[nyctophobia-au]

Where I've Been

Okay, so, 'sup babygrills. This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post, but I feel like I should update followers on here as to where I've been because I haven't been active for, like, months.

If you don't care to read all of the stuff under the cut, that's fine. Here's my TL;DR: I've been having issues with mental illness, trauma, motivation, gender dysphoria (?), and have been busy with college and YouTube/social media stuff. However, luckily my HK special interest has returned and I plan on posting more often hopefully. (Mild cw for mental health mentions ig.)

Okay, so, to begin, I've been gone a lot due to responsibilities outside of making Nyctophobia content. So, up until recently, I've been working on graduating from college. I've been finishing up my final class this Summer, but last quarter in the Spring was really difficult for me time-wise and mental health-wise. I've had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety throughout my life, and being at college was torturous and sapped all of my energy. It did not help that, last quarter, I had to be there at the college for six hours of my day five days a week. It was not easy to make art for myself and my channel, much less for this blog.

Outside of college, and I've mentioned this before in passing, but I also make YouTube videos and, at the moment, YT is my income (alongside comms as well). I've been pretty focused on keeping my my schedule at least a little bit consistent, and that alone has been draining and tiring. It also affects the kind of art that I can create, as I have to draw certain things for certain videos. I've been really weary when it comes to making content as of late, and I really need to take a small break so that I can work on stuff I actually want to work on rather than being stuck drawing certain things for the sake of videos I'm not inspired to make.

Pivoting more into specifics about my mental health, I have been needing to see a therapist for a long while, but I haven't had the motivation or the funds to pursue that option up until recently. Hopefully, I will be attending therapy soon. Last year in, uhm, September I had a particularly bad mental health episode and I've come to realise that some events that happened during that time have left me with trauma that I'm still currently working past and healing from. I've had issues with self-harm, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self-perception for a long time, but in the Spring they were stifling and impossible to ignore. Lately, they have been better, though. So, that's nice. There hasn't been just the usual stuff lately (oh no, that's be too easy), but I've gotten jumpscared with gender issues (hooray, my favourite /s) during this time, and am struggling with my self-perception regarding my gender up to current day. (Hi, I currently go by Rot or Sexy Fictional Bug Enthusiast and my pronouns are they/them, but they may very well be they/he soon). Also, I had a bad identity crisis a couple of months ago and had to do this whole rebrand thing that was a lot of work and it kinda sucked away a lot of energy and time.

On top of all of that, ya boy's special interest metre has been focused primarily on OC stuff and other things outside of HK. It's pretty well-known that I have autism and Hollow Knight is one of my special interests. I'm unsure how it works for most people, but my fixations tend to come in waves and fluctuate (though super special meaningful ones stick for a long time). So, like, I had this whole issue with my mind always being fixated more on things outside of HK. It's been my OCs for a few months, but alongside that, I also suddenly became enraptured by The Owl House and my Digimon special interest sleeper agent returned for a hot second there. As of recently, I've been interested in HK again, but have been afraid to start/work on projects related to my AU because of me having to work on OC content for my channel and also for my friends who are invested.

As of right now, I have some more time on my hands to make the content I want to make, and my HK fixation is back (thank fuck). I've generally been doing a bit better in the mental health arena, but I will also be taking some time off of YT and posting videos regularly in favour of focusing on making stuff I want to make. So, like, expect me to be more active here for some time. I might be finishing a fic in the next month (hopefully) as well, and I have some general comic and art ideas. I just want to draw Auric again, god dammit. My beloved. <3

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. Just figured I'd make a post about this for people who thought I died or something (and for the people who were once interested in my projects on here and are starving for content, lmao).

#updates #vent kinda #absence explanation #rot rambles

[wily-one24]

Just Because: 5, 21, 22, 40, 46

Yaaaaay. Something to distract me from the monotony of my work day (yes, this is me taking a sneaky five mintues to answer an ask and GET PAID FOR IT in the process. Whooo).

5. How do you like your eggs?

Wow, this answer is a lot more complicated than it needs to be. I don't really like eggs. At least, not straight up eggs on a plate. I might possibly eat them scrambled, if it has lots of cheese and capsicums and tomatoes and other flavours mixed in.

I do like omelettes. Also with lots of stuff added, same as above with bacon. Some spinach.

Quiche and Frittata are amazing. Also with cheese. And bacon. Maybe extra veggies like pumpkin and potato and zucchini.

(I am starting to see a theme here, to be honest).

I've actually been using a lot of eggs lately, but not eating them outright, I've been making Okonomiyaki. It's... one of those things, you know, you get a taste for it and you eat it every day for three weeks and then don't think about it for two years? I'm in the middle of that. I found a good Asian Grocer near me that sells the proper Okanami Sauce and Japanese Kewpie Mayo. So, I just have to make the batter and top it with the sauce. I actually had that for breakfast before work this morning. Mmmmm.

Okay, getting distracted. Moving on...

21. What's your favourite period in art history, your favourite famous work and/or your favourite style of art? If you don't know any, that's ok!

Well, uh, glad it's ok. 'Cause I am drawing a blank. I do love art and going to the art museum, and I know when I am there I have my favourite pieces. But I am drawing a blank right now.

There is one piece in my local art gallery that I know I love, because last time I was there I made a note and then came back and googled it and fawned for a while. But do you think I can remember what it is or who it is even BY? No. NO I cannot. I need to go back. Make a trip into the city and visit the gallery.

But, honestly, why shoehorn yourself in? I like to mosey and wander and keep my mind open and just goggle at all the pieces. Sometimes there are very breathtaking pieces in the ancient art from hundreds of years ago, sometimes a new piece is really thought provoking and makes you go 'woah'.

I went to my sons' art show at the high school last week and some of the work there, from years 7 through to 12, were amazing.

(also, tumblr is being a piece of shit right now and won't let me copy/paste, so i have to type out the questions, which... wtf tumblr?).

22. Iced or hot drinks?

Iced. I mean, I like the occasional hot tea, but only fruit flavoured teas. Very rarely a hot chocolate. But mostly I like cold, refreshing drinks. The colder the better.

I am proudly Australian and often spend my time saying "What the Absolute FuCK, America?!?" but the one thing they do right is the amount of ice they put in drinks. ICE ME UP BABY.

I once said to a guy "I love ice!" but then had to explain I meant the actual frozen water and not, like, meth or anything.

40. What's your favourite kind of tree?

People have favourites? All trees are beautiful.

We used to have this huge wattle tree outside my house as a young kid and i loved that. We had a swing coming down from one of the branches. It was awesome.

But right now?

I have my two baby apple trees which I have nurtured from teeny sapplings for the last two to three years or so. One of which is growing big and flowering heavily this spring. It's a little older. The other is about a year younger and still has some growing to do, but sprouted a few budding flowers. It's too early for the young one, but the older one I am hoping to maybe see fruit from next autumn. That would be lovely.

I also planted a teeny lemon tree and mandarin tree last year. But they are very much babies. Too young to do anything but have leaves and continue to grow.

I also have a pomegranate tree in my yard that has been there since I moved in. I complain about it constantly, because it grows so much, every year it gives bountiful fruits... and I don't EAT pomegranates. Like, everythign I *try* to grow takes so much effort, if it even succeeds at all, but this damned tree, it obstinately grows and flowers and fruits and is the healthiest thing in my yard when I ignore it completely. I complain about, but it's a member of my yard family.

46. What's the last thing a friend recommended to you that you actually looked into and liked?

I mean, is tumblr my friend? Are my followers and the people I follow my friends? Because then Deadloch. I saw a few gifs and many heavy recommendations on tumblr for that and I loved it immensely.

But... in real life? It's complicated. I so very rarely see my actual friends. And work colleagues don't tend to have the same tastes as me.

Nor do a lot of my family.

I have a recommendation that I keep MEANING to check out, but I don't seem to have the energy to do that lately. I am more going to rewatch shows I have already watched to get that easy, sweet dopamine fix without the effort.

@dahllaz

#look ma i got an ask #dahllaz #nobody cares about your okonomiyaki habits jacqui

[frek]

1, 11, 23, 34 for the ask game :)

1 - who is/are your comfort character(s)? Dorian from Dragon Age, and to an extent Fenris as well. But ultimately, Sabriel from the Old Kingdom series. I love her deeply and endlessly

11 - favorite extracurricular activity? since school is a long way in my past, we'll consider this just hobbies lol. I love to crochet and do artsy stuff like drawing, coloring, painting, computer graphics, etc. I read when I can. And play a lot of video games. I love taking walks in the woods when it's not too hot outside.

23 - how do you feel about chilly weather? LITERALLY THE BEST WEATHER. I struggle with the heat and humidity of summer. If I could live in perpetual autumn, I would. I love when there's just a little bite of cold in the air while the sun is warm on my skin. It's the best feeling in the world.

34 - is there a song you know every word to by heart? There are SO MANY. Singing along to music brings me so much joy and catharsis. I have an entire playlist of over 1,000 songs called "Sing Until Your Lungs Give Out", all of them songs I know by heart. But the last few days, I've been singing Everything by Lifehouse, Lucky by Seven Mary Three, Overjoyed by Matchbox Twenty, and Give You Back by Vertical Horizon the most. Thank you for the asks, bb! It's nice being able to share some of myself here again. <3

#iplann #ask away! #frek my life

[phantomrubyy]

U still alive? If so- can u request a shadow x reader hc?

(Tw for; HEAVY ANGST, ED, cutting, abuse- I understand If youre too uncomfortable with writing this)

I just really like angst

So technically shadow and the reader are best friends so as a result, he's very protective of her. He knows about her depression and all and he had tried to help her through it. But what he doesn't know is abut her ED (eating disorder) and her self harm scars. He found out about her self harm and ED one day when it was unusually hot outside (she usually wears sweaters to hide her skinny body and self harm scars). Eventhough it was super hot outside, she still decided to wear a sweater. But she underestimated the hotness of the day and she passed out while she was hanging out with shadow. he had already asked her to take it off but she wouldn't budge.je quickly caught her and layer her down gently, he then went on to taking off her sweater to cool her off. The first thing her saw was her shirt then her skinny body- but that didn't matter now to him- he just wanted to make sure that you're alright. He was shocked and mortified when he saw the scars scattered around her wrist...

That's basically all. You can decide the ending (but please make it happy). And again you don't HAVE to write this if it makes u too uncomfortable.

warning: self harm

Hi, yes I'm still alive don't worry.

I am going to use this to clarify some things about my boundaries. Although hesitant, I feel it would be best if I explained them. Please don't think I am angry or hate you, I really don't.

I always write the reader as gender neutral. I know pronouns don't equal gender but when I see she/her I assume people want female readers. This doesn't go just for your request, I've seen it a few times in others. I'm a trans man and I would prefer being more accessible by having a gender neutral reader. When I'm not writing and reading either for fun or for ways to improve my own writing, it's incredibly hard finding male/gender neutral works. However this is totally fine as I know misunderstandings happen.

I love talking with fellow angst lovers; hell, most of my own ideas for writing are angst, including my two fanfics I'm working on. However I do draw a line somewhere, that being mental illnesses I am not fully informed about or don't have. As much as I can research about eating disorders, I don't experience it nor will I be able to fully understand what those with the disorder go through. A lot of my inspiration, especially for angst, typically comes from my own issues, mental and or cultural, or emotional. I am comfortable writing about my own issues as I'm experiencing it instead of just reading about it. To me, it just isn't the same but I know others have a different opinion.

As I don't have an eating disorder, I can't speak on that nor for those who deal with it. However, what I can speak on is the other half. I have depression and have dealt with self harm, specifically cutting, in the past. I am still struggling with my own mental health but I am slowly getting better, however I do have times where I just don't. This is where I was very unsure. This may have not been worded the best, perhaps you meant comfort instead of "happy ending". As someone with these issues, it does seem as tad off, if happy endings is what you meant. There is no immediate happy ending, healing takes a lot of time and dealing with obstacles. There is no immediate fix to everything, as much as you'd rather want all of your problems to go away in an instant. I can't speak for everyone who has gone through this, but this is my personal input on it. Either way, I'm sure you meant no harm.

I don't want to dwell on it too much, but I also deal with anxiety, PTSD and have trouble with managing my anger; as for what I am comfortable writing about when discussing mental illnesses or issues others have.

I really appreciate the request nonetheless but I do want to make my boundaries clear. If you are dealing with what was stated in your request I am truly sorry and urge you to seek help if possible. I wish you no ill will as I am sure you didn't have bad intentions when requesting. Please take care, not just you but everyone as well. I hope this is worded properly and makes sense, I don't want to come across as rude or too much. If I did I deeply apologize.

Here are some helplines and other resources, not just for those in the US. If you would like me to add more to this, that aren't in the linked post, please notify me.

Thank you, I wish you the best.

[chiefbeifongcanrailme]

Linzin - belong

Did I blast Taylor Swift’s- You Belong With Me while planning this one out? Sure, obviously. Here’s some more Linzin. 17 days to 24!🦋

"Tenzin I don't want to see you ever again. Get out of my doorway and go back to your Island. We're through." She slammed the door shut and walked to her bedroom with hot tears ready to pour down her cheeks.

"Some of your belongings are still at the Island. I've put them all in a box- if you could just come and collect them."

The muffled sound through the door was enough for her tears to finally flow down her face. She bent the stone beneath her to where he stood outside her door and pushed it upwards to trip him up into leaving.

"Ow!"

That sound brought an infinitesimally tiny smile to her face. She was through with him.

Until the cursed Avatar showed up and ruined everything. She was happy doing her job, avoiding Tenzin and his family, keeping the city safe and then the Avatar just had to meddle and get them back on speaking terms.

Oh well, no harm no foul. Just time to accept the past and move on and that's what Lin did. That's all she really wanted to do. But Tenzin wanted more. He wanted a friendship, a talk-about-your-day-outside-of-work kind of friendship. And it wasn't just because she sacrificed her life for him and his family. No. But because they actually had always been great friends, they had an awful lot in common and as much as Lin would hate to admit it, Tenzin was good company to have. So she established her boundaries and allowed for that kind of friendship to flourish.

"You know, you really should collect your box of belongings from the Island sometime. It's been sitting there for ages." Tenzin joked one evening as the two dined in Lin's office over some paperwork.

"I think you should burn it." Lin yawned.

"But it has all your things." He reasoned.

"I have everything I need, Tenzin." She rolled her eyes playfully.

But then there was an evil Avatar, a war between the water tribes, new airbenders and then the last straw- The Red Lotus: The terrorist group they fought together, side by side to save young Korra. And that brought back so many memories. The nostalgia, the pain, the love, the hurt then the break up. All this, over what? Airbenders that showed up anyway. Lin tried drawing her distance and re-establishing boundaries but it was futile. Both of them were masters in the powers of their respectful bendings and careers, and yet they were powerless against whatever that force was that pushing them towards each other.

However once the Avatar left, it was easier to maintain their distance once again. They went back to the kind of relationship Lin wanted to begin with- the talk-about-important-things-and-nothing-more kind.

But then there was a spirit vine powered robot controlled by a dictator ready to blow them all up. The stakes weren't any higher, but Lin and Tenzin found their previous comfort in each other and helped the Avatar defeat this villain too.

It was the night of Varrick's wedding when Lin was looking over the shore at the twinkling lights of Republic City.

"Since you're here on leisure, Lin, why don't you pick up that box finally." He sneaked up behind her.

"Oh just toss it in the water already, Tenzin. They haven't been my belongings for a long time now."

Tenzin laughed and stood by her in silence. He observed her watch the serene water and determined that he had a decision to make.

They resumed to his favorite, talk-about-your-day-outside-of-work kind of friendship. Lin helped him out with a few things he was struggling with in his personal life and he helped her with maintaining a healthy relationship with her newly reconciled family. Overall, things were going well for a while.

Until one day Lin answered the knock at her apartment, to see an airbender at her door carrying a cardboard box on his side.

"My belongings?" Lin raised an eyebrow.

"Yes." Tenzin nodded with a smile.

"Thank you." Lin answered, taking the box from his hand and shutting the door. She didn't care to invite him in.

But then there was a second knock on her door.

"Yes, Tenzin?" She opened the door with a disinterested look on her face.

"You forgot something." Tenzin smiled.

"Don't tell me there's another box." She rolled her eyes.

"No, just an airbender."

He gave her a soft smile. Of course, she knew he was recently divorced- she helped him cope through it but there was a large part of her that didn't think she had anything to do with the divorce. Wasn't she wrong, Lin rolled her eyes, being caught blindsided by the same man again.

"I belong with you, Lin." He placed his hands on her elbows and looked into her jade eyes.

"Go sit in that box, then." She glanced over in to where it was placed on the floor of her living room, "I'll get the tea ready."

#linzin #linzin fanfic #linzin prompt #lin beifong #tenzin #chief beifong #legend of korra #lok #hbd kat

[playinonaloop]

Chapter 4: Save us

Warning throughout the series: (mentions of) smut, violence, drugs, alcohol, guns, maffia stuff, ya know!

Story masterlist

A warm wind blew onto Daniels ‘s face as he ran out into the garden. He blew out air through his nose while he crouched down. To torture you was one thing, but to kill you? Daniel knew that only would bring death and destruction to his family. His body became hot as the world started to spin around him. Daniel’s heart started to race, blood pounding in his ears. He sat down and tried to grab the small stones of the gravel path beneath him.

Thoughts were spinning through his head; his mother had really gone mad. She was really planning to kill you, for something as simple as money. Daniel knew that there was more to it than just money. He knew his family was tied up into something bigger than he could ever imagine. Why did you get left behind? Was this a way to get underneath the skin of his parents? Why didn’t they leave Joey? Were you something your family thought of as less, just as his family did?

Everybody in the Ricciardo family knew that his sister, Michelle, was going to be the next one to lead the family. Her being older, and perhaps more twisted, aided to that. She fitted right into the way his family portrayed themselves. Daniel didn’t use drugs like they did, he didn’t drink alcohol. He didn’t enjoy torturing like they did. In every aspect he was different than them. Joe, his dad, was in many ways like him but, because he married Grace, he changed to her liking. And with that, Joe didn’t hold her back in the things she did.

Daniels ‘s breath slowed down again as he got a grip of the stones beneath him. He threw them away from him as he took deep breaths to calm down again. After a short moment, he stood up and turned around to take a look at the house. His brown eyes scanned the house, taking it in. The big windows, balconies with lounge sets on them. A curtain that blew out of a window. Daniel walked back a bit to see the enormous roof with some small towers on top of it. He knew that it wasn’t normal to live in such a mansion. With that thought on his mind, he walked back inside.

--

Soft whimpers left your mouth as the pain became unbearable. The sun was now high up in the sky which meant that Daniels ‘s visit had been a few hours ago. You hadn’t had food or something to drink in a while now, in combination with being tortured it made you feel awful. The smell of dried blood was starting to make your head spin. As you looked down you saw that your jeans were drenched in blood. This made you close your eyes shortly; you knew you had lost a lot of blood.

When you opened your eyes, you knew you had slipped out of consciousness for a bit. The sun was starting to set. It marked the end of day four, making it almost five days since you saw your family. God, you hated this situation. A frustrated groan left your mouth as you thought about the last moments before you went on this stupid mission. Eating breakfast with your parents and Joey, giving your dog Katy a last cuddle before leaving. Tears started to well up in your eyes. You knew that you were going to die here if your family didn’t show up tomorrow. As a family you had mutually decided that, if there wasn’t an option to save one of them within the first five days of being kidnapped or left behind, you didn’t get saved. It took too much risk to come and save someone who might actually be dead due to starvation, torture or even murder. Yes, it was a very hard choice to accept. But it had to be done, to save the family.

The door behind you opened. It made you sit up, hoping someone came to bring you something to eat and drink. You realized that it wasn't a food delivery by the way the person moved through the room. Another set of footsteps joined.

"We're giving you another chance to 'fess up"

Michelle her voice cut through the air, a shiver running up your spine as Grace walked towards the windows. You quickly saw the gun she was carrying. It made you realize this could end in two different ways. You could either tell them or die. A smile played your mouth as another idea popped up in your mind.

"Okay"

"Okay?"

It made Michelle walk towards you, Grace turned around with a frown on her face.

"Yeah, I'm dying either way"

Grace scoffed and smiled. She let go of the gun.

"Clever girl..."

You told them this big story, how your parents decided they would legalize weed as they grew it on the farm back north of Queensland. To what degree they went to flood the now legal market. How they profited of it, making them become wealthier than they had ever been. You told them in detail where the farm was, Michelle left the room to send an investigator up there. Grace just stared at you. In dismay.

“I can’t believe you would betray your family like that.”

“Well, they left me here to die. Didn’t they?”

Hatred fueled your eyes, and they believed your story.

“I’ll make sure they get your regards”

Grace left. You took a deep breath in, shaking your fear out of you. The farm you talked about was an empty shell. Your family didn’t use it, as it used to be an old family home. It was completely empty. A giggle left your mouth, it was all a lie. The Ricciardo’s weren’t going to win in any way. You were going to die anyway, now or in 80 years.

You looked out of the window, staring into the abyss as a few hours passed by. It turned completely dark outside. The door behind you opened but you were too tired to respond.

It was Daniel that sat in front of you. A knife in his hands. You knew it was time. A tear slipped out of your eye, making you nudge your shoulder to your cheek. He didn't look at you.

"So ironic that you are the one to..." You scoffed softly.

Daniel looked up at you. Your eyes met and it was electrifying. Now that he was sitting here in front of you, you had time to take him in. Thinking that he would be the last thing you would see because you weren't sure if there was anything like an afterlife, your eyes slid over his head. You could see how messy his curls were, almost identical to how they were this morning. A number of curls had slumped to the side, as if they were too heavy to hold. You would always remember his sun-tanned head, that's how he used to look. The wrinkles around his eyes that no doubt came from laughing all the time. The beard that made him look older than he was. You looked further down. A muscular body, dressed in a simple black t-shirt and shorts. Daniel didn't wear socks, also something he never did. You now saw the rose on his hand, you recognized it from somewhere.

"How long do you have that rose?"

"I don't know, since 2018 I think, why?"

"No, it's nothing, thought I recognized it"

"Oh"

The silence came back, and it became unbearable.

"If you aren't going to kill me, just do it"

He stood up, playing with the knife. Daniel looked back and forth between you and the door. It made you want to cry, because he made your ending so much longer than it needed to be. That also made you angry. You could feel death lingering over you, his hands were playing with the knife as if it was a lego block, something as innocent as that.

“Can’t you see how fucked up this is?”

“Well how am I supposed to go on then?!” You looked up at him, despair in your eyes. This was the moment that would break or make your or his family.

Drawing blood from his hands as he twists the knife in his hands and looked away at the closed door.

You were starting to get annoyed with him. He was prolonging your life for what?

"Daniel, look at me damn it!"

He finally looked at you. Really looked at you. His eyes weren't blank anymore. Instead, you saw something you didn't recognize.

"I remember swimming with you and your brother, you know. Almost every summer behind the cliffs where we used to ride to from your house."

You raised an eyebrow as he started talking about something from the past. He continued.

"I remember playing hide and seek while our parents had meetings together. I recall sitting with you on the swing."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"A few years ago, I had the most wonderful night. It was a night out with friends. After a few drinks I decided to get on the dance floor. The club played the greatest hits but also a few from the past. While dancing, I saw the prettiest girl. High heels, a sleeveless dress, just up to my liking. Long legs, long hair and smelled like freshly cut watermelon with a hint of smoke but it didn't overwhelm me. "

You knew where this was going. Daniel was now face to face with you, close. Now you recognized the smell, sweet like a candy shop but also the saltiness from the sea.

"We danced for quite a bit, my hands roaming her body freely. Kissing her neck. She grabbed my hand, where I had a rose. A rose just like this one."

He shows you his hand. Not too close to your face to make sure he didn't cut you with the knife he held.

"It was a fake tattoo at the time, you know, some a temporary tattoo that you stick on with a wet cloth."

Daniel smiled as he bent down.

"My friend whispered to me that I was dancing with the devil."

A chuckle left his mouth. He sat on the floor in front of you.

"I was dancing with you, he had seen your face and made me leave. Again I was disturbed in being who I wanted to be. I wanted to be carefree, to live without the responsibility of being a member of the fucking maffia!"

His hand drove the knife into the wooden floor. It cracked. You tried to shuffle your chair backwards, afraid he would drive the knife in your leg next. Daniel looked up at you.

"My parents do not find me important enough to take me with them in most of the family meetings. They take Michelle. But in the last few days I've realized something. It's okay that they don't. Because I do not want to be like them."

Daniel pulled the knife out of the floor.

"I. Want. Out!"

He spoke through gritted teeth, moving the knife towards your leg.

"So, this is the plan. I will act like I killed you but obviously will not kill you. Then I will wrap the blanket, that's laying by the door, around you and I will carry you to the car. I'll go back inside to tell my parents that I am going to dispose of your body. I'll show them a picture of you in the blanket. In my car I have two fake passports, because we need to talk."

Daniel cut all the ropes around your feet, body and wrists. You were speechless to say the least. He walked to get the blanket and grabbed another bottle of something.

"Can you lay on top of it, I've got some fake blood I will put on your chest and onto the knife and then some on the blanket so it will be realistic."

You just looked at him, rubbing your wrists. The wounds on your stomach hurt.

"Why are you saving me?"

"Because, I reckon, you want out too. Now lay down, we don't have much time"

Daniel put a hand on your shoulder and softly pushed you towards the blanket. You sat and laid down carefully. He put some fake blood on your chest and on the knife. A little pool of blood was quickly created, but it was mixed with your own. Some of the cuts on your stomach opened, making you groan.

"Okay, okay, eyes closed; just a second."

He took the photo and put it in his back pocket.

"So just lay there for a minute. I've got some medical stuff to help you with the.. duh.."

Daniel looked visibly distressed.

"You don't have to talk about it"

Your voice was soft, making him look at you instead of the cuts. He grabbed Betadine and some bandages.

"It might hurt"

"Just do it, the proces of making them hurt even worse"

He looked hurt at the way you snapped at him.

"Sorry"

"No, it's okay"

Daniel gave you his hand before he put the Betadine on. You squeezed it hard, making you clench your jaws as he cleaned it a bit. He then bandaged it.

"I'm now going to wrap you up and carry you to the car"

Before you knew you were in the trunk of the car. It was dark, cold and to be quite frank; scary. You laid there for a bit, refueling yourself with small bites of the sandwich Daniel made and drinking a bit of water. The car started to drive away, making you grip the flooring of the trunk to hold on. You rest your head against the bag that laid in the trunk too. After a while, you slipped into a nap.

"Hey, you still with me?"

You opened your eyes and met Daniel who was very close to your face. It made you shuffle backwards. "Sorry, I'm just glad you're awake. Shall I help you get out?" "Yes, uh, please." Daniel grabbed your hands and helped you up. He briefly shielded your head as you came up and nearly hit the edge of the trunk. "I brought you some clothes to put on, because what you're wearing now can't be called clothes anymore." He handed you a bag and then walked away to the lookout point where we were parked. You looked around briefly before opening the bag. The bag was full of clothes, short-sleeved shirts, long-sleeved shirts, sweaters, jeans, sweatpants. You name it or it was in there. The cold had now crept into your bones, so you opted for layers. A short-sleeved shirt with a sweater over it. Jeans with a sweater over it. Daniel had even thought of clean underwear.

"You can turn around now, I'm dressed."

Daniel turned back to you and took you in.

His face showed signs of complete horror. "I'm so sorry." A tear rolled down his cheek. He collapsed, causing you to walk right up to him. He cried. Tears also slowly streamed down your cheeks. He put his arms around you. You cried together. After a while the tears were gone.

"What now?" "I need to let my parents know that I'm fine and that I'm free." "And after that?" "After that we'll see what we're going to do"

He smiled at you, it made you smile back. You were free, you were safe. Daniel saved you and himself in the proces.

"Can I suggest one thing we can do?"

You looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"What?"

"Can I kiss you?"

His voice was soft and nervous. Daniel kept smiling a little, with a little blush on his cheeks.

"Yeah"

"Yeah?"

You nodded.

"Okay"

Daniel stepped closer to you, the space between you now almost non existent. His hot breath fanned over your face. He looked down at you, scanning your eyes again. You took in that rich smell of cologne that he wore. It was as if the night at the club continued. But then in silent. His eyes looked into yours. They seemed lighter in color in the moonlight. The dark ring around his iris was a great contrast to the amber color inside. His pupils were large because of the lack of light in the area. Daniel surprised you by letting his lips gently touch yours. His hand found its place on your cheek, he gently rubbed it with his thumb. He tasted fresh, almost like he just brushed his teeth. It made you realized he had a mint before. Daniel had planned everything which made you giggle against his lips.

#Daniel Ricciardo imagine #daniel ricciardo #imagine #fanfic #f1 #mob!au #angst

[inactive-luv]

Normal

normal

normal

TW: depression, gender dun dUN DUN

word count: 2216

a/n: i’ve got a lot more gender neutral Spencer Reid fics loading :P

(Spencer's POV)

On a normal day, I would set my alarm for five in the morning and wake up slowly. I'd pour a cup of coffee and make myself some toast. I take a shower and brush my teeth and maybe listen to an audiobook on my way to work. I got this recommendation from Garcia, Ready Player One. I listened to the narrator's voice at a pace 'normal' people would read.

A part of me always felt self-conscious about myself, how I was different compared to everyone else. My mom called me special but that just made things worse. Special still sounds like there was something wrong with me. And that was just my I.Q, later on, I constantly got made fun of for the way I dressed, how I wasn't 'normal' enough. Never 'masculine' enough.

I haven't had a normal day in months. I started to wake up naturally around three am, if I ever slept. My thoughts kept me awake, thinking about the insults and taunts I got. I lay in bed most days. I told Hotch I was sick and stayed in a comatose state for most of the day. I would stare at the ceiling and wonder about myself.

I couldn't do anything. I couldn't eat, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't use the bathroom. The thought of having to stand up in front of the toilet. Washing my hands in a men's restroom, everything just made me sick. I hadn't gone to work in a week. It sounds odd but I didn't feel safe there. Work used to be where I could concentrate and use my abilities to my advantage, I watched and analyzed people's emotions for a living but now, it became so hard to think about myself.

I felt exposed in the workplace, at home I felt more comfortable using my own bathroom and I could wear my own clothes. I felt like someone else in the bullpen, someone different. Having to hear my name makes me feel imaginary. I didn't feel real in my body.

Getting out of bed this morning exhausted me. I dragged my feet across the wood and looked down at my sweater. The temperature in my house was always hot, something with the thermostat, but I couldn't stand looking at my own skin. I wore a thick sweater and a robe on top of it, long pajama pants and big socks. I knew I had to take off these clothes if I wanted to go to work today. I really did, I missed my friends, I missed having to do something.

Having a purpose meant a lot to me. I lost sight of what I was meant to do with my life, I would just mope around my apartment without doing anything and I still felt exhausted. I hated being here, I needed to do something. I couldn't just stay here for the rest of my life. I so desperately wanted my normal life again, but I couldn't even think about stepping outside my house.

I hate thinking about having to do normal things. I hated using public restrooms and wearing my normal clothes. Life becomes meaningless if you can't even look at yourself in the mirror.

A while back I put towels over all of my mirrors, this morning I lifted the one in my bedroom. I looked at myself for the first time in a long time. I looked at my eyes, the bags underneath them screamed tired and disgusting. My whole face looked blue and purple. I saw the veins in my neck, and when I touched them I winced.

Taking a deep breath, I started to remove the robe in front of me. I watched the fabric fall to the floor when I felt the ends of my sweater. A burst of energy filled my gut and flooded through my veins, causing me to haphazardly lift the shirt fully over my head and shimmied my pants off. I felt angry. Angry at myself for not being able to do the easiest things. And sad watching my body shake and my skin crawl.

I forced myself to stare at my chest. I stared long and hard at the flat shape and bare skin. I started to run my hand over my abdomen and I could feel my ribs protrude out of my skin. Tears started to fill my eyes when I glazed over my underwear. I could see the outline of my legs and the thought of what was between them made me sick. I felt like throwing up.

I rushed to the bathroom and clutched at the sides of the toilet. I quickly thought about all of the germs and bacteria and immediately lunged away from the seat. I washed my hands five or six times until my skin curled underneath the stream. I splashed the water on my face and began to sob. I ran my hands over my face and my eyes tinged from the tears.

When my hands roamed their way back to my chest I fell to the floor in a mixture of emotions. I felt depressed, gross, I felt cheated in my own flesh and blood. I felt contained to the bottom of my bathroom sink. The tears relaxed and I started to slowly lift myself off of the cold tile.

I wobbled back to my bedroom and tried to open my drawers. I reached for a dotted shirt and slowly buttoned the clothes on myself. With each button, I sniffed and let out a heavy sigh. I wanted to change my underwear but every time I slid my fingers past the waistband I cringed. I couldn't bring myself to look past my abdomen.

I just tried to pull on a pair of work pants without my eyes and slide a brown belt through the loops. I stared at myself in the dresser mirror and reached for another layer to put on over my body, a brown cardigan. I wanted to smile. I tried to force the corners of my lips to move upward but they only drooped a little lower. I swallowed my tongue and went to get my coat.

...

I walked into the lobby and saw people walking throughout the halls, I felt so out of place. I slowly slumped up to the elevator and pressed the button. It was halfway through the workday, a little after lunch. It was raining so hard outside I could hear it through the elevator walls, I heard the pat pat pat just outside the floors and I started to feel thirsty. I hadn't drunk much water in public because I didn't want to have to use a public bathroom. It wasn't a problem until one day I had to be sent to the emergency room.

I got nervous as the elevator doors began to open. I lifted my head and was relieved not to meet anyone as I stepped out. A sore feeling manifesting itself in my throat. I look up to see everyone in the conference room. I barely catch Rossi's eye when I start to walk up to the bullpen. Soon I can feel everyone's eyes on my back when I rest my bag on the edge of my seat.

J.J. walks out of the room to wave me over. I watch her walk back into the room, I look at her heels and her pretty blouse. I think back to what I'm wearing and feel gross. Why do I keep stressing about these sorts of things? Morgan doesn't worry about how he's dressed. Hotch doesn't care about shoes or what he has to wear. Rossi was the one who probably cared the most and even he didn't notice the things I do.

I rush up the stairs noticing how everyone is waiting on me. My pace slows down as I get closer and closer to the threshold of the conference room. "Hey, pretty boy's here!" I clench my jaw at the sound of that nickname. My stomach turns inside out and I think about just running out of the room and heading back home, or anywhere but here. "Why don't you sit down we were just starting." Garcia tries to talk to me in her sweet voice. I missed her so much, I missed everyone.

"No thank you," I whisper. I hadn't spoken words out loud in a long time. I don't talk to myself and I hadn't seen anyone else in days. I clear my throat gaining a sliver of strength from the anger in my gut. "No thank you I," I start stronger before pausing mournfully again, "I think I need to say a few things before I come back, officially. C- can you all please sit down." I choke in my breath and all of their faces turn worried when they look at me.

"Uhm, I know I haven't been here in a while but uhm," I turn my head to the floor, "I want to be able to come back, I do, and I uh," It gets really hard to talk without tearing up. I swallow hard when J.J tries to pat my arm, I don't mean to but I flinch and try to push her hand away. "I can't come back until," I'm afraid I'll start hyperventilating, "God I'm sorry." I move my hands up to my face and wipe away a few tears before swallowing and whispering again. "I can't come back until I figure out what's wrong with me."

"Kid there's nothing wrong with you-" "Yes there is! I- I- I can't sleep! I can't get dressed by myself! I can't even use the bathroom without feeling sick!" The words pool out of my mouth in a harsh tone and J.J. steps back when I flail my arms, "I can't look at myself in the mirror," Tears stream down my cheek when I turn my face around the room. "I need things to be different around here." Even Hotch's expression turns saddened and weak.

"I-" I choke and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. " I hate the name 'pretty boy'." I try to turn my eyes from Derek who's leaned over to see my expression, "I hate being referred to as 'Sir' or 'Mr.'" I bite my quivering top lip and draw my eyes back to the floor. "I hate hearing," I pause and clear my throat again thinking it would help stop my cracking voice, "he did this or it was him who," I sniff looking at Garcia whose eyes are also filled with tears.

"I'm not comfortable," I whisper and Emily gapes her mouth as if to say something then closes it rubbing her nose instead. "I haven't been comfortable for a long time. I don't know what I am anymore." The word 'what' sticks in the air for a minute before J.J. tries to pat my arm again and I let her. She eases in to hold me and I shut my eyes to stop sobbing.

"I- I- need," I start before shaking my head, "I'd like people to treat me differently." I furrow my brow thinking what to say next, "I looked online," I wipe my face again trying to slide J.J away from me, "and all the labels really scared me but uhm," I pause again "I think I'd like to try something I've been pushing down for a while." Rossi nods his head.

I feel awkward standing in front of all of these people, my friends. Years ago I could trust them with my life but now I felt so exposed and broken. I was scared of how they were going to react, I felt like screaming in my stance and running out of the room crying. I muttered out the first words before shaking my head and trying again. "I think," I clear my throat again, "I want to try different," I look at the group, averting my eyes off the floor while the edges of my lips curl into a saddened smile, before whispering the last word, "Pronouns."

I see Emily mutter a small "Oh," and Morgan's face turns confused. I slump into a hunched position and continue to cry softly when people start nodding their heads looking up at me. "Well," Hotch starts and people start to look at him. "I think that what you're asking for is," He pauses looking to the group then back at me.

"Perfectly reasonable and we will do or call you whatever you want" They all nod and mutter incoherent words. "Yes, yes of course we can." Garcia stammers wiping tears from her eyes looking at me from across the room. "What, uhm what would you like?" She asks rubbing her hands together, "To, you know," she shakes her hands before wiping more tears from her face.

I smile for the first time in weeks. It's not a toothy smile or a cheek to cheek grin but, it makes me feel safe knowing I can still do the things I used to. Come into work and smile. I catch my sighs and draw in a deep breath before looking at Garcia, "They/them." And the rest of the team smiles too.

...

#spencer reid #doctor spencer reid #reid #criminal minds #cm #spencer #fluff #gender #derek morgan #david rossi #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #aaron hotchner #dr spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #non binary #they them #non binary ​spencer reid #nb #nb spencer reid #non binary fanfiction #lgbtq #pronouns #luvofyourlifelivworks #luvofyourlifeliv works

[antigoddex-a]

hello morningstar and que! it's been a hot minute (yes, it's 3 days, but i genuinely just don't have the braincell that keeps track of time so let's be real it's a hot minute)- i just hope you two are having the best of days!!! i love your little doodle of que and i so much and i have saved it in my photos and will forever cherish it when i feel down... (and you definitely also blew me away with your response- im just an anon who thinks ur neat !! there's nothing special about me, really- i too am terrible when it comes to talking outside of anything relating to people's muses- i think i reminisce and want to reach out to people that i've brushed past while we're going on our separate paths- who have also touched me with their work on this site... i lost my train of thought! ah! mother mother released an acoustic version of both hayloft versions and it has such a folk song, kind of boogeyman vibe to both? AND i hope that you enjoyed in space with markiplier!! please feel free to ramble on and on about it- whether you like it or love it 🖤

Heya, Musical Anon! :] <3 hdbshgksk No 'cause I feel this too bad... My grasp on time is so fucked too. Like, I feel like we hadn't spoken since ever? Yesterday? Some days ago? Simultaneously. I really am like Que / ? on this... ( Also, very wild how we are almost done the first week of April ALREADY!?!?!?... ) But I am always more than delighted to have you in my inbox anytime!!! :D And aaaAAAA!!! I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY AND GLAD TO KNOW YOU LOVE THE DRAWING AND CAN JOY AND COMFORT IN IT... TT^TT Drawing that made me super duper happy, so I am very!!! <33333

But, hey, listen!!! Just 'cause you're on anonymous does not ever make you mean any less of a person ( to me ). Your presence alone is more than special enough to me and I am sure a lot of people who are so lucky to know you would think the same. You deserve all of the love and praises and more. <3 <3 <3 And, yeah :( I completely get that. I had lost a lot of friends on here and in real life due to my inability to connect and communicate with them consistently, but I am more of a person who just goes forward without often looking back 'cause if there really isn't anything more for me to offer and the other happens to move on from me from that case, that is more than valid and understandable, I only wish the best of everything for them. But it's very sweet and nice of you to at least think of reaching out to those you had brushed past. ;; I hope you will be able to do that and reconnect with them for everything to click alright, but if you don't end up doing that for whatever reasons, that's okay too, at least the thought counts for something!!! <3

And I had listened to few of M.other M.other's songs before as a very casual fan!!! I was so :000 to learn from you that there are two acoustic versions of Hayloft!!! This is so neat!!! I am unsure how to describe the I version exactly, but II version definitely has a bit more darker vibes than I version, which is wicked!!! Both of them overall having boogeyman vibe is so right on, though, thank you so much for these suggestions!!! Also, AH I.SWM!!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH TO THE MOON AND BEYOND!!!!!! Mark and the team did so fucking amazing on the interactive film... If you love God Exits, then I.SWM is definitely worth a thing to be checked out as it has some elements and concepts that God Exits have with the metaness / the multiverse / timeloop / etcetera, either if you are a fan of Mark or not!!! It's so good... Please do let me know what you think of it if you ever get into it!!! I would LOVE to read your thoughts on it!!! ^w^

Ugh, you are so sweet and cute, though, just as you are always!!! ? and I love you so dearly much and we hope you're having a wonderful day ( which I and ? are having so, thank you so much )! If not, ya know we are always here for ya rooting you on. Please take care and I highly look forward to your next ask soon! <333

#[ truly what an absolute angel I adore and appreciate you so so so much <3 <3 <3 ] #✧ ೃ༄*ੈ✩ 4N5W3R .•ˎˊ˗˖°࿐ #✧ ೃ༄*ੈ✩ 0U7 0F CH4R4C73R .•ˎˊ˗˖°࿐ #anonymous #anonymous 🎶 🖤

[angstidote]

How do you get over the feeling that everything is meaningless and feeling like dying? I've tried antidepressants but they only make things worse. Did you go through something similar? Any advice?

I have been through similar, yes. I came very close to committingsuicide a few years ago. I even took a day off work specifically to do so.After writing a letter to the Samaritans that Inever sent, I ended up lying in bed for a long time, sobbing and begging anydeity who would listen for help because I felt like I had no one. I ended itasking for a sign of what to do, vowing that if I received a single message involvingdeath the following day, I would follow through on it. It’s only because I didn’tthat I’m still alive today.

It’s not a good place to be, and I’m sorry that you’rethere. I think that, unfortunately, a lot of people are there with you rightnow. You are not as alone as you feel, though I know hearing that does littleto help the feeling.

It’s difficult to get to the bottom of what’s causing aperson’s depression without being able to talk one-on-one, but I’ll certainly talka bit about what I experienced and what I’ve noticed talking to friends whohave been in similar headspaces.

When we notice we’re feeling something we don’t like, ourfirst instinct is usually to try and “fix” whatever situation has prompted thefeeling. However, people who feel depressed and hopeless usually see no pointin trying to do this. Usually the perception is that things are beyond our control,or that we’re so alone we have to deal with our problems all by ourselves,which is too overwhelming to take on. People who are depressed often also feelquite overwhelmed, disconnected, and isolated.

Because we feel there’s nothing we can do, there’s noexternal resolution, we tend to try to resolve (get rid of) our emotionalresponses internally. We try to argue with them, negotiate with them,rationalize or bargain with them, or just ignore them completely. There’s a realreluctance to validating them, because it means embracing painful energy, and thelast thing we want when we’re feeling overwhelmed is the stress of additionalpain. But this reluctance to engage with our emotions—very counterintuitively—isoften part of what’s contributing to our feelings of emptiness and hopelessness.

Please note that I’m not reccing plunging head first intoemotion, or validating the (usually awful and inaccurate) words that accompany theunpleasant feelings. The more we engage with our opinions of what is morally rightand wrong, and the toxic thoughts about what horrible choices we’ve made, thestronger the neuropathways that store them in our brains get, making it easierand easier for those miserable feelings to overstay their welcome.

What I’m talking about is just taking some time to be withthe feelings themselves, so we can understand why they’re there, and acknowledgetheir right to exist.

Let’s think about what feelings are objectively for a sec. They’remessages, right? They’re what let us know that something needs to be adjusted inorder to maintain harmony. Though not pleasant, they have a function. They’remeant both to motivate us to action, and to help us bond socially with others.Every time we push them away, we inadvertently squash down the things that giveus the power and strength to fix the situations that are hurting us and others,as well as the motivation to reach out to others and connect in a meaningfulway.

Our feelings are trying to get us to pay attention to thefact that there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. By avoiding thesemessages, we indirectly tell ourselves that we’re powerless. That, “there’s nosense in feeling this because there’s nothing I can do.” And depression, hopelessness,and lack of meaning are usually the result of feeling powerless to affect theworld around you, as well as inside you.

Obviously, it’s true that the overwhelming majority of whatgoes on in the world, even just in our personal lives, is out of our hands. Thewhole world is in crisis right now. As a species, we have become too self-awareand too aware of others to go on behaving the way we have in the past. But wehaven’t figured out what to do instead. Because we don’t know what to do, andwhat we’ve tried so far has had somewhat dubious results, depression iscrushing us on a scale that we have never seen before.

We’re living in an old world with new awareness, in asociety that has institutionalized not dealing with negative feelings…and it’skilling us as a collective, just as much as it’s killing us individually.

So, what can be done about it?

Well, first let’s do what we can to help ourselves.

As I was saying, counter-intuitive as this sounds, as soonas you recognize having an unpleasant reaction to something or someone, ratherthan trying to escape it I recommend taking a deep breath and trying to spend amoment with it.

Again, not with the story of what caused it, just with thefeeling. Just for moment, see if you can take a deep breath and feel what thatemotion feels like in your body. Are your shoulders tense? Is your stomach? Canyou describe it the feeling in your gut? Is it cold, or hot, or smooth, orhard?

By taking the time to analyze what’s going on inside you,scientifically speaking, you’re actually engaging a different part of yourbrain than the one that’s involved in the emotional action-reaction cycle thatmakes depression so overwhelming.

This is, essentially, what meditating is. Some people alsocall this a grounding technique, or getting grounded. But basically you’re justtrying to put a little space between yourself and the overwhelmingness of your emotionsby engaging the analytical parts of your brain in addition to the purely emotionalones.

It takes practice to make doing this second nature, so don’tget discouraged if you forget. But as soon as you remember, and realize you’re notfeeling so great, see what you can do to take a breath and a figurative stepback from the feeling so it can’t crush you so hard. Without running away fromit (distracting yourself) or engaging it in combat (trying to rationalize whyyou should feel differently), just try to relax. Notice your breath. Thesensations in your body. How fast your mind is going…anything at all that youcan focus on as though it were something quantifiable and observable.

Doing this with your emotions is good practice for doingsame thing with your mind. I personally find doing it with emotions easierbecause feelings tend to linger longer, they’re easier to spend time watching withthan a mind that’s literally changing its words every moment.

However, ultimately you want to do the same with your mind. The reason for this is that, the more space you have around yourthoughts and feelings, the less control they have over you and the more controlyou have over them. And aside from the obvious benefit of being able to drawyour attention away from negative things, this will do wonders to help you feelmore empowered and, therefore, less hopeless.

So…say you’re not feeling real good. Whiledoing your best to not get pulled into the story, see if you can listen to whatyour mind is saying about your emotions, and figure out what they want.

Because you don’t wanna get sucked into trying to describethoughts with other thoughts, a lot of people practice simply listening to thethem as though they were a radio. The very first time I ever sat down to dothis, my therapist described it as trying to capture the feeling of waiting fora movie to start. Just sitting quietly, open to whatever words you’re about tohear.

Sometimes writing can be helpful for this too—if you’refeeling upset and you write out what’s bothering you, you can come back to itand try and analyze it. Now, you don’t want to analyze it for logicalinconsistencies. Your aim is not to defeat the thought. Your aim is tounderstand it. Why? Because it’s likely if you’re feeling hopeless and isolated,you feel like no one understands you. And the reason you’re feeling that way islikely because…crazy as it sounds…you don’t really understand you.

We’re moving into the world of the subconscious here, but it’s true that the human mind is basically the sum of its learned experiences.If something bothers you, it’s probably because you had a negative experiencewith it in the past.

For a personal example, while most people don’t like talking politics,I have a particularly visceral reaction to it because my liberal mom andconservative dad fought about it all throughout my childhood, and were alwaystrying to make me choose sides. Now any time the topic comes up, however innocuousthe context, I feel enormously uncomfortable and end up metaphorically sobbing,“why can’t you two get along?!” To me, it didn’t matter how important the issue was, because of my pastexperiences I had (and still sometimes have) a very difficult time taking a stance, and I felt extremelyuncomfortable when forced to do so.

So, taking a step back, while on the surface it looks like theproblem is politics (and it certainly sounds like my mind obsessing over the need for peaceand compromise), beneath that are deep-rooted feelings of sadness about myparents’ divorce, frustration at their inability to compromise, and anger attheir asking me to choose who to disappoint.

You know what I’m talking about?

It’s a platitude of sorts, but the world outside of youreally does reflect the world inside you. When you’re happy and in a good mood,you’re likely to see beauty in the funniest things, right? From feeling onewith the universe, to appreciating mismatching socks, the world is full of coolstuff when you’re in a good mood, and misery when you’re in pain. Taking careof yourself emotionally is not something you can skimp on for any reason, nomatter what people may tell you.

If you’re not taking the time to listen to yourself—your thoughts,your emotions, your needs—then there is very little chance you’re going tofeel like others can hear you.

Politics always triggered me emotionally, but until Isat down with my feelings and really listened to what my mind way saying, I didn’t recognize that what I really wantedhad nothing to do with political views. I just wished there was less conflict between the parties because it really hurt me as a kid, and I didn’t want to feel that discomfort. As soon as I allowed myself to feel the grief of having hadmy family torn apart due to that argument, I was able to let go of the problematicbelief that people shouldn’t fight by reminding myself, when it came up, that my issue isn’t with the situation–it’s with my reluctance to feel uncomfortable.

This is what I mean when I say we have to learn to makespace for our emotions, because they’re here for a reason…the reason being,sometimes life is painful.

Next time you’re feeling upset about something, take a moment to give yourself the respect you deserve as a human being experiencing a difficult situation. Rather than crawling allover yourself about what you haven’t done well enough, let yourself have somespace to grieve for how much damage your heart takes every day, yeah?

This in itself will let a little more light into that voidyou’ve gotten lost in while trying to get away from the violence of our day-todayexistence. We gotta kill multiple things daily just to live. o.O; That’s hard on the spirit, man.

So, once you have that respectful energy in there with you, use it totry and get to know yourself a little better.

If you’re having trouble figuring out what’s bothering you,try asking yourself these kinds of questions:

What do I wish were different? 

What would help me feelbetter? 

What am I hoping to get from changing this situation? 

Are there otherways I might go about getting this emotional need satisfied? 

Is there anything concretethat I can do to help myself (or someone else) feel better?

Remember what we were saying, that emotions are messages. Well, if you’re feeling empty and hopeless, your emotions are letting you know that they’re feeling cut off—so give them alittle love. Heal the wound they’re asking you to heal.

Figure out what’s bothering you. Once you do, you giveyourself an out of those negative thought patterns. When your brain starts saying, “I’m always wrong,” instead of saying, “Yes, I’m always wrong,” you might be able to say, “I know that I feel that way because my dad was critical of me as akid…but it doesn’t mean he was right.” And just that fast you’ll have an out ofthat god-awful cycle. You’ll have a new neuropathway to strengthen, and somethingelse for your brain to chew on.

Doing this kind of sincere listening to yourself…while itmeans facing some unpleasant emotions for a while, also means giving yourself thechance to be heard by the most important person in your universe—you.  And once you’re aware of what you need, youhave the option of going out and getting it. You have the option of doing something–a direction to move in.

Look over your responses to the questions you’ve askedyourself. Is there anything you cando?

Obviously, you can’t change an entire broken society. Butmaybe you can ask the people around you to respect your boundariesa little more. Sometimes it takes courage just to let others know you havethem (I’ve really struggled with just doing that much). Maybe you can walkaway from a bad situation for a few minutes, to give yourself some literalspace along with your emotional space.

Practice putting aside the time to do what you need tofor your own mental health.

It sounds ridiculous that doing something so small would make adifference, especially when you’re really overwhelmed, but it adds up.

And you absolutely don’t have to start on the biggestproblems you have. You can start with the small, personal ones that you dealwith every day. No one ever starts with the dungeon boss, we fight low-levelslimes for a while. Just by taking the time to listen to yourself, when youhear yourself saying, “It’s not enough,” you get a chance to take a breathand say, “I’m being pretty hard on myself right now. Maybe I need to take astep back.”

What problems you level on will be very personal to you, soI won’t elaborate too much. For some people, getting out of bed in the morningis enough. Deciding not to shoot yourself seems like a no-brainerto some, but when you’re in that headspace, trust me…it’s not.

Of course there will be times when you won’t be able to getwhat you need, no matter how hard you try. As the great Captain Picard oncesaid, “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not aweakness; that is life.” These situations are no different. 

Give your pain the space and respect it deserves, withoutstrengthening it by resisting or agreeing with it. Breathe, ground yourself,let the emotion be there without running from it, and when your mind startstelling you about how hopeless things are, do your best to simply listen andlet it exist.

Difficult feelings are a part of you, but only a part. You’ll be okay. You are no where near as powerless as you feel.

Allow your emotions to tell you what you need. Honor thoseresponses by doing your best to help yourself get what you need to heal. If you cannot succeed, honor how painfulthat is, and as soon as you feel it start to ease…let it pass.

If your mind calls out to you, trying to pull you back,listen to it. Maybe it has more to say. Honor that. When it finishes, letit go. And if it’s just repeating itself, remind yourself that it’s just a thought, it’s not reality, and give yourself something else to think about. Anything at all. I use the mantra, “I don’t know that,” to cut myself off when a thought outlives its usefulness. Keep breathing and keep practicing not judging yourself.

It seems very small, but as soon as your heart feels likeit’s being heard by you, you will start to feel like you have a chance of beingheard by others. If you are willing to keep pushing yourself to do this, youwill have given yourself a direction to move in where there wasn’t one before.That in itself will help you feel less hopeless, ‘cause you’ll know you have atleast one more step to go before the end. Before you realize it, you’ll be back in the light again.

And er…as always, please let me know if I’m off base. I’m happy to listen if you want to tell me I’m wrong, or talk through specific things that are bothering you. Just as a general note, I’m much less long winded one-on-one so…haha, if you ever want to talk, please say hello. I sincerely hope you feel better soon. See you.

#uh... #as ever i apologize for the slow response #this one got away from me size wise as you can see... #OTL;;; #and please don't hesitate to contact me via email if you want to talk specifics #truth stuff or whatever