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aventvrines · 3 days

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second best ; sae itoshi x f!reader PART 1

note: got to 10k words and decided to cut it in half<3

wc ; 8.8k | content ; slow burn..? swearing, tension, angst, situationship, kissing, making out, crying, more angst, lots of timeskips, not proofread, reader has a huge crush on sae bc tbh who wouldn't, sae is rich, cringe cliche tropes i'm sorry, english isn't my first language, two parter?, no prns but reader wears a dress, ooc, reader and sae both have rich and absentt

summary ; growing up with sae itoshi isn't quite what you'd expect

Sae Itoshi isn’t exactly sure when he first meets you – there are no formal introductions or anything of that sort. One day, you enter his life, and you never really bother to leave after. He’s kind of the same for you, appearing all of a sudden – your parents’ friends’ kid, a neighbor of yours – and never disappearing afterwards. As unlikely as it sounds, you’re probably one of his oldest friends – his first friend, as a matter of fact. [Not including Rin, that is. And not including the fact that he doesn’t really see anyone as friends, either.] Coincidentally, you’re also his first kiss.

It’s another one of those things he’s not quite sure about; he doesn’t know how it happened or why, exactly. All he remembers is that he’s twelve, and you’re sulking on the swings next to him at the park, refusing to talk. He doesn’t really care, but you huff so obnoxiously, for so long that he’s forced to take the bait. Only because he feels a little bad for you, though.

“What’s up?”

You perk up ever so slightly at the sound of his voice. It’s a small movement, one that only he sees, because playing soccer has already significantly honed his senses, and because he’s known you for the past seven years. You’re still upset, though, judging from the stupid pout on your face. The one that annoys him to the core, for some reason, even though he doesn’t even care.

“The boys in class called me ugly,” you sigh. Sae thinks he’s too mature to worry about little things like these, but you’re still tender, and apparently it matters a lot to you. He’s not the type to lie to comfort people, and he doesn’t lie when he replies to you. It’s a simple statement, one that he doesn’t think too much of.

“You are pretty, though,” he says. He’s confused; why would the others lie to you? You’re not ugly in the slightest.

“What?”

“I said, you are pretty,” he repeats.

You shake your head.

“Not pretty like in a friends way, Sae,” you chastise him with a tilt of your head. “Like, in a, uhh–” you cut yourself off, chewing on your bottom lip thoughtfully. “Like, you’d wanna kiss me, that kinda pretty.”

“I’d kiss you.”

This time you’re surprised. “No, you wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I would.”

“Wouldn’t.”

“Would too.”

“Do it then,” you huff, confident that you’ve won the argument.

“Okay,” Sae replies, flat and emotionless. He slides off his swing, making his way towards yours. You stop swinging yourself, confused, and he grabs the ropes on either side of your swing, forcing its final halfhearted sways to an end. “So? Wanna kiss?”

It seems that you’ve finally realized he’s serious. “Oh…”

“Well? Don’t waste my time,” he grumbles, but there’s no actual malice behind his words. He thinks you know him well enough to know that, and you do, because then you’re getting off your swing too, and there’s a tense, awkward moment before you lean in, and then–

It’s nothing like you’d imagined; there are no fireworks, and there’s no cheesy romance music in the background either. But the feeling of Sae’s lips on yours are terrifyingly real. But then he pulls back abruptly, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, and looks you up and down quizzically. “Happy now?”

You seem unsure of what to say, and he doesn’t push it. Instead, he turns around, ready to leave. “I’ve got soccer practice later,” he announces. “I gotta go.”

Sae doesn’t need to see your face to know how it falls, disappointed. He doesn’t look back as he walks away, because even at this young age, he knows how to pick his battles. And he doesn’t really care about you all that much, but he still doesn’t like it when you’re sad.

“Bye,” you mutter, barely loud enough for him to hear.

He doesn’t bring up the kiss the next day. Or the day after. Or after that. It’s like it never even happened. And if he were anyone, anyone else, you would’ve worried – even a little bit, because you’ve read those cute tween romance books that your best friend lends you – about how the friendship would work after this; but he’s Sae, and Sae doesn’t have friends. You’ve heard the whole spiel before – how he doesn’t care for friends, how he has Rin if he needs company, how soccer is always, always, always his first priority – and even though he’s basically told you that you aren’t friends, he’s never told you to leave either. So it’s not like he doesn’t like you, right?

But then again, it’s kinda changed everything for you. Because suddenly, Sae is no longer just Sae. It’s as if something in your brain finally clicks, and you realize that Sae is a boy too. It’s as if you’ve always seen him as an extension of your girlfriends, but now it’s different. So, so different. For the first time, you look at him like he’s one of the cute boys in class – because he is.

And unbeknownst to you, Sae notices. He sees the way you stare at him unabashedly when you think he’s not looking, how your movements suddenly become more calculated around him. Suddenly, you’ve stopped speaking your mind around him, started caring more about your appearance instead. You’re more conscious of your words and actions, and you keep applying and reapplying the strawberry lipgloss that’s always on your person The regular afternoons at the swing set in the park before practice have turned into hanging out maybe once a fortnight; instead of bugging him to hang out, you now shyly wave goodbye at him after school, and he watches you run over to your friends. You all giggle and push each other around, and if he notices the indiscreet glances your friends throw at him, or hears one of you say his name, he makes an effort to steadfastly ignore it.

It’s already kind of pathetic, how obvious you are with your little crush on him. He tries his best to ignore it, even when your entire face burns red when he throws you a ghost of a smile. But sometimes, even he finds it hard to resist teasing you. He deserves it, right? In his mind, he does. If you’re going to pine over him like this, might as well mess with you at least once while you do so.

It’s a week before your thirteenth birthday – he’s already turned thirteen by then – when he looks at you, feigning curiosity. “Y/n?”

You look at him, startled. “Yeah?”

“What happened to that guy you used to like, what was his name again-”

“N-nothing!” you stammer, interrupting him. “I don’t like anyone, I mean him, anymore!”

Sae’s lips quirk up momentarily; he shakes his head and walks away as you blush and babble incoherently, hands stuffed deep into his pockets.

You’re actually kinda cute.

Kinda.

He doesn’t know why it feels this good to have you indirectly confirm that you like him.

Thirteen passes by so fast, but it leaves you dealing with so many changes too.

There are no more afternoons spent at the swing set in the park.

At fourteen, you stop focusing on yourself for long enough to notice that Sae is changing too. He’s suddenly much taller than you, voice beginning to get deeper. He lets his reddish-brown hair grow out so it frames his face – somewhat unevenly, but it’s still pretty. He’s started to spend more time at soccer practice, and it shows. Like, physically. The muscles in his arms and legs have started to become more defined, and the number of girls who are into him have therefore increased drastically. It irks you. And then he actually starts dating, and it pisses you off even more, because 1) since you’ve basically grown up together, he’ll never see you as anything more than a friend, and 2) girls are basically lining up to date him, even when all the relationships he’s been in so far barely last a month, and his personality is ass, and he always prioritizes soccer more.

He doesn’t deserve it just because he’s pretty.

You don’t really understand why they do it; you’ve been pining for him silently for almost two years, and even though you fantasize him liking you back, and marrying you in the future, you know you probably wouldn’t do anything with him, not right now, not when he’s like this. You hope that if anything happens with him, you’ll be sensible enough to not pursue it. And you even miss just being friends with him – now that he’s busy with soccer, and teaching Rin, and girls, he doesn’t have any time for anything else. Anything else being you, in this case.

You barely talk to him anymore, and it’s not like he makes any effort either.

You miss him.

Sae doesn’t take all these relationships seriously at all; he’s fifteen, and no one really falls in love at fifteen, right? Besides, it’s not like any of these girls want him for anything other than his looks and money. They’re pretty, sure, and it’s fun sneaking around and having someone cheer for him at his soccer matches is nice, but he doesn’t really care for it in the end.

Freshman prom takes place when you’re almost sixteen. You’re one of those few people who doesn’t have a date; you’ve never dated anyone and quite frankly, you’re contemplating whether you should go at all. Maybe you won’t waste money on a dress and makeup and just stay home instead – it won’t be worth it to go alone and face the awkwardness of not having someone with you. All your friends have dates, so you’ll basically be alone anyways, and you don’t want them to give anything up for you – you know they would.

You’re thinking of all this while stranded on one of the higher seats on the bleachers; your friend Asa’s boyfriend is at soccer practice, and she’s brought you with her to watch. You’re not very interested in whatever they’re doing down there, but Asa appears to be, since she’s left you up here alone to go down to talk to her boyfriend. You look up momentarily, not expecting to see anything interesting, but then you catch sight of a familiar number on the back of a jersey – number 10. Despite not wanting to give in to his effortless allure, you can’t help but drag your eyes down the vast expanse of his broad back, down to where it tapers off into a surprisingly small waist, and then his toned legs. If he’s like this at sixteen, you can’t even imagine what he’ll look like when he’s older.

And then he turns around. And your eyes meet. He smirks at you, as if he knows you’ve been staring. You tear your eyes away from his mesmerizing teal ones, trying to focus on the math book that’s perched precariously on your lap. A moment later, you glance up again, thinking he’s moved to some other part of the field, but instead he’s approaching the bleachers, specifically in your direction. You panic for a second – maybe he’s just going to talk to someone else down there, you tell yourself, trying to calm down. But then he starts climbing the steps, one by one, until he stops at your level. Please walk past me, please walk past me, please–

He sits down on the seat next to yours. You keep your gaze fixed firmly on the notebook, refusing to acknowledge his existence until he acknowledges yours.

“You got a date?”

“Huh?” your brain doesn’t register the question before your answer flies out of your mouth. “What?”

Sae sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose between his finger and thumb. Even now, sweaty and tired and annoyed, he looks absolutely gorgeous. “Prom, you have a date?”

“Actually I’m thinking of not going at all,” you admit sheepishly.

“Why not?” Sae has the audacity to actually look interested.

“It’ll be awkward,” you reply flatly. “All my friends have dates, but I don’t, so I won’t have anyone to be with, and if I tell them I’m going alone, they’ll just ditch their boyfriends to hang out with me. I don’t want that to happen.”

“Go with me, then.”

“What?”

“Be my date, to prom,” he sighs.

“Oh.”

“Oh, what?”

“Don’t you have a date? I thought girls chase you everywhere,” you scoff.

“What, you jealous?” he says, almost as if he’s musing.

“Of course not!” you lie.

“So? Is it a yes, or do I gotta find some other girl to take?”

“I don’t think you have to go looking to find one,” you reply coldly.

He snickers in response, but there’s no mirth behind it. “I’m serious. I want you to go with me.”

You’d hoped to be sensible in situations like these. Spoiler alert: you’d hoped wrong. You are, after all, only fifteen.

“What about your girlfriend, though?” you ask him later.

“We broke up.” he replies curtly. Of course they did.

You ignore the twisted glee that boils in the pits of your stomach.

Your friends are probably more excited than you when you tell them who’s taking you to prom; you try to convince them – and also yourself – that it’s nothing like that, it’s purely platonic. But you still don’t know why he chose you. You’re also not sure why you accepted. If only he wasn’t so damn pretty.

You’re not deaf – the whispers start as soon as you enter prom attached to the Sae Itoshi’s side, the corsage on your wrist matching the boutonnière on the lapel of his tuxedo. All eyes are on the two of you; the soccer prodigy and his childhood friend. But Sae is surprisingly courteous tonight. He notices your discomfort almost immediately, squeezing your hand reassuringly to calm you down.

“Ignore them,” he advises you under his breath. He’s nothing like the person you’ve known so far. Is this how he treats his girlfriends? You shrug the thought off, instead forcing yourself to smile up at him.

“I’m fine,” you murmur.

You’re not.

Sae is an excellent date; he dances with you until you’re tired, refuses to leave your side, and looks after your punch when you go to the bathroom. He seems somewhat tired, but it feels like he’s trying to hide it, so you don’t mention it. But then again, you’ve been wrapped up in your own thoughts again. Because of tonight, the emotional part of your crush on Sae has once again been reawakened – he’s no longer a piece of eye candy you stare at when you’re bored.

And then, just when you decide things can’t get any worse, they do.

“Y/n, Sae, c’mere,” calls Asa. “Let's play spin the bottle!”

You shake your head, about to refuse, but Sae grabs your hand and starts walking towards the small group that’s assembled around a glass bottle that’s half full of some dubious liquid you can’t quite identify.

“Sure,” he says. “We’ll play.”

Fuck.

The circle consists of you, Sae, Asa, her boyfriend Denji, your other friend Maki, and a bunch of other people you don’t know by name. You’re sitting cross-legged on the wooden floor of the gymnasium, and for some reason, you have a really bad feeling about this. Maki goes first, leaning forward to spin the bottle with a swift flick of her fingers. It slows down near you, moves to Sae – your breath catches in your throat as it inches past – and stops in front of Asa. She leans in, giving Maki a cursory peck on the lips before pulling back. They’re both laughing, and she leans into Denji, immediately murmuring an apology. He shakes his head, grinning. “I don’t mind, babe, I swear! But whose turn is it now?”

Everyone turns to look at you.

Shit.

You swallow nervously, reaching out to the bottle with one shaky hand. You don’t know why you’re this anxious. Taking a deep breath, you spin. It takes longer than you expect. You can hardly breathe – and then Sae bends his head towards yours, whispering, “Calm down, it’ll be fine.”

But it isn’t. Because as soon as the words exit his mouth, the bottle comes to a stop. And because the universe does everything it possibly can to fuck you over, it comes to a stop in front of Sae. You hastily shake your head. “It’s okay, we don’t have to–”

“What?” he interrupts. “You don’t wanna kiss me?”

“It’s not that,” an angry flush spreads across your cheeks, and your hands ball up into tight fists. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

“Make it ten seconds at least, this time!” Someone cheers, but you’re only looking at Sae. You turn towards him, and just like that, you and Sae share your second kiss together. He’s obviously much more experienced than you, tilting your head up with one hand to get a better angle. His lips are chapped, but still soft. It feels… nice. You almost wish you were dating him. But when you finally relax, almost starting to enjoy it, he pulls back. “See? It wasn’t that bad.”

You nod, flustered, still trying to compose yourself. “ Yeah, it was okay.”

“I think I’m cursed,” you complain to Asa and Maki in the girls’ toilets where you’ve taken refuge to touch up your makeup. “He was my first kiss, and my second one too. Next you’ll see him being the third one too!”

Asa giggles. “Ooh, I hope so!”

“Maybe he’s secretly in love with you, you never know,” interjects Maki, but you shake your head sadly. She rolls her eyes, closing the tube of mascara. “Stop acting like a pathetic puppy,” she chides. “It’s okayyyyy.”

You don’t answer, busy swiping the applicator of your lipgloss across your lips.

“Um, I think I gotta pee, you guys go back without me,” you say. Your voice is too loud, too high-pitched. It’s obvious that you have other reasons for wanting to come out later. There’s an awkward silence, and you’re not quite sure what to expect. Will they refuse and Call you out? Anxiety bubbles up inside you. But Asa and Maki are your best friends, after all. You can see in their eyes that they don’t buy it at all – they pretend to, though, and leave you alone in the restrooms to rot alone with your thoughts.

When you finally get the guts to exit the toilet, you find yourself standing behind Asa. She’s asking Sae how much longer the two of you will be staying, and hasn’t seemed to notice you behind her yet. Sae does, though, raising one perfect brow ever so slightly. Asa continues talking, unaware of the silent conversation going on between the two of you. Sae tilts his head to one side, as if asking a question; you shake your head vehemently in return, hoping he understands what you’re trying to convey.

“We’ll get going as soon as y/n comes back,” says Sae. You breathe a sigh of relief; how could you possibly have doubted him? He’s known you since you were what, five years old – longer than anyone else in the room, even Maki and Asa.

“But it’s barely eight,” Asa argues, but he shakes his head.

“Her parents said eight thirty tops,” he shrugs. Sae is an impeccable liar. Before Asa can say anything else, you interrupt them.

“ Sae, we gotta go.”

“Yeah,” he says. “See? Later, Asa.”

“Bye Asa!”

She waves goodbye as the two of you leave the gym.

The school looks completely different at night, dimly lit with countless locked doors on either side of you, and it doesn’t take long for the two of you to get lost. Sae watches you standing uneasily by a window, face lit up almost ethereally by the moonlight that’s streaming in. You don’t notice him staring as you gaze distractedly out of the window silently. You really are pretty.

He doesn’t realize when he walks over to stand beside you wordlessly. You tear your eyes away from the world outside and turn to him. “You need anything?”

He shakes his head. “Not really.”

His voice is lower than usual, barely above a whisper, and suddenly the air is thick with tension. He hears you breathe in, sharp and fast, as your gaze flickers from his eyes, to his lips, then back to his eyes again. He can’t blame you, not when he’s doing the same thing. Sae takes a single carefully calculated step forward, and before he can move another muscle, you step forward too, grabbing the lapels of his jacket and pulling him down to kiss him. He’s startled at your boldness – he hadn’t expected you to initiate anything – but it’s a nice surprise. It takes a moment for him to regain his senses before he kisses you back with equal fervor, large hands coming up to cradle your face. He feels you sigh softly into his mouth, fists tightening around the fabric of his jacket. What had Asa mentioned again– oh. So this is your first real kiss – not one that’s part of a game, not one that’s being used to just prove a point. Your stupid strawberry lipgloss smears across your mouth and his, and it tastes good, and you taste good, and so what if a tiny part of him doesn’t want this to ever end?

But then the two of you separate, and you’re probably the most beautiful girl he’s seen in his entire life. You’re panting slightly from the lack of oxygen, chest heaving gently. Your lips are parted a little, slick with a mix of lipgloss and saliva, and you’re watching him with widened eyes. He’s not sure what to do now, but suddenly you take a step back, and then another, and another. You shake your head. “This was a mistake, Sae. I’m not gonna become another one of your disposable girlfriends.”

Sae doesn’t know what to say. In fact, he doesn’t even have anything to say at all. No excuses, no defenses. You are probably right after all. Though he may be an expert at starting relationships, he certainly fails to keep them alive – not that he cares to, in the first place. And soccer is always more important anyways. So he stays silent, watching you hurry away into the dark.

He hopes you won’t get lost this time.

School starts a week later, a day after your sixteenth birthday. You’re almost relieved to see that Sae has gone back to ignoring you. [he hasn’t wished you a happy birthday.] You play it off to your friends as him just being busy again, but you know that’s not true. And he already has another girl hanging off his arm again, and although you’re unsurprised, it still hurts after that night, when he’d kissed you like you actually meant something to him. You know you don’t, though. Not in the way other things matter to him – soccer, for example. Or getting girls.

It’s painful to even look at him now; it’s annoying how fast your views of him have changed. It also doesn’t help that he glances towards you every now and then. Whatever, you think. Fuck him. You need to focus on your classwork instead. Or more specifically, the project that’ll make up a significant portion of your grade and act as a replacement for your finals. Unfortunately for you, it’s a partnered project, meaning you won’t be able to work as efficiently – you’re in your element when you’re working alone. Half the class has already been paired up by the time your name is called. You scan the remaining people for Asa or Maki, hoping you get one of them as a partner, but your peace is shattered as your teacher calls out a name that you’ve grown to dislike, no, fear over the past week. “Sae Itoshi!”

Sae’s face is painfully neutral, betraying absolutely no emotion. You don’t know whether he even cares about this – he probably doesn’t – but it’s still an important project, so all you can do is suck it up and work. He walks up to you, face still annoyingly blank. “You have my number, right?”

What happened to hello? How are you? You nod anyways, unsure of what he wants.

“Call me then,” he says flatly. “I’ll do whatever as long as you arrange the time and place.”

What a bitch. You want to slap him.

“Okay.”

It’s not okay.

Every time you’re even near him, all you can think of is his lips on yours; the feel of his hands on your waist, your face. You don’t want anything to do with him, let alone spend the next two weeks working on this stupid project with him.

That night, you scream at yourself in the mirror. Why can’t you just be normal? These things happen, it’s not a big deal. You spend half an hour pacing around the bathroom, raving to yourself like a madman. It takes another hour before you calm down enough to be able to text him.

You: hey

You: this is y/n btw

Sae: ok

You: you told me to arrange everything

Sae: yea

You: i’m free tmr after school. At like 3

Sae: i have practice

You: dude skip out on practice once nothing will happen

Sae: no

y/n: ur literally a prodigy..

Sae: and?

y/n: okay yk what?

y/n: you set everything up then idc

Sae: wtf okay

Sae: 3pms okay

Sae: your place or mine

The first time the two of you meet up, time passes slowly but uneventfully. It’s at your house; the two of you have decided to alternate until the project is done. It doesn’t really matter, though, considering how close you live to each other It takes you almost six hours to perfect the outline, and you’re fucking exhausted by the end of the day. Even Sae doesn’t have any energy in him to spit out any witty remarks until he’s leaving. He shoves his things into his backpack messily. Usually, everything that belongs to him is neat and immaculate, so this goes to show just how much the day has worn him out. But it appears to have reduced the tension between you two as well. [Not that you care.] At the door, he turns back to you. “Fuck you for choosing the most complicated topic just for some extra credit,” he grumbles.

You scoff, even though you know he’s not being serious.

“Fuck you too, Sae Itoshi.” you call.

He raises up one hand to flip you off behind him as he walks off.

You think you hear him laugh.

The second day of the project is spent at Sae’s place. It’s a Saturday, and he forces you to wake up nice and early so the two of you can start working on the project as fast as possible.

“The faster we start, the faster we finish,” he says.

Sae is infinitely more comfortable in his own house, body draped over one of the many sofas in the living room as he types on his laptop. You’re sitting on the floor, on top of a large piece of paper that you’re decorating. This project is such a pain in the ass. The air conditioner is on full blast, but for some reason you’re still feeling kind of feverish. Sae, on the other hand, seems to be living his best life in a tight black t-shirt and light gray sweats that hang annoyingly low on his hips – it’s a simple yet devastatingly distracting outfit, and you can barely focus.

Sooner or later, the two of you find yourselves in the kitchen looking for something to eat. Sae bends down to rifle through the fridge while you seat yourself on one of the high stools around the kitchen counter. Your legs hang in the air, and suddenly you feel very small. But more and more loud noises come from the fridge as Sae curses and throws an empty box behind him; you take this moment to shamelessly ogle his turned back. He straightens up again a moment later, and you rip your eyes away and look down at the counter. Just in time too, because he turns around, slamming the door shut.

“That little shit Rin finished everything good here,” he grumbles, stretching. You have to force yourself to look away from him and the way his shirt rides up to reveal perfectly sculpted abs. He turns to one of the cabinets instead, pulling out a container instead. Opening it up, he sticks one hand inside, pulling out a chocolate chip cookie. Then he holds it out to you. “Want some?”

You nod in assent.

Sae finishes eating before you, but he doesn’t leave the kitchen as you steadily work through the pile of cookies on your plate. It’s not exactly awkward, but he’s slouched against the marble of the kitchen counter, chin resting on one hand as he watches you eat. His pretty teal gaze follows your every movement, yet his face remains completely passive.

You help him wash up after you finish, even though there’s not a lot to clean. But then, as you turn around to leave the kitchen, Sae moves too, and suddenly you’re standing with your front all but pressed up against his. You move to one side to give him space to pass, but apparently he has the same idea at the exact same time. You move to the other side, and so does he. The double coincidence makes you giggle, and pulls a chuckle from him too. But the atmosphere shifts in a way that’s all too familiar, and the pit in your stomach reopens, and you swallow, looking up at Sae. He stares back at you, nonchalant, and before you can say anything or get yourself out of this situation, he speaks. “I want to kiss you again.”

His voice is controlled, toneless. But his eyes, the ones you’ve known for over nine years right now, betray his true feelings. He’s really not as unbothered as he’s trying to appear; a steady fire of something you can’t identify burns in his eyes.

You want to say no. You know that’s the smarter option here. You know you’ll only get hurt more if you let it – or whatever this is – continue like this. The path that you’re walking is already doomed, you can see where the road ends, fades into nothing but pain and suffering. But you’re young, and you’re stupid. And you like Sae Itoshi way more than you should. So you shrug. “Sure.”

Sae cups your face with one hand, adjusting your positioning slightly before he leans down to kiss you. This time, along with the anxiety, there’s also something in you that yearns and yearns. The second or two before Sae kisses you feels like an hour at the least; something almost akin to relief floods through your veins when he finally does.

It’s as if your world shifts as he kisses you again, slow and languid. Or at least, that’s how it starts. In a matter of seconds it turns into something more zealous, all tongue and teeth. Your hands instinctively fly up to tangle into his messy hair as he picks you up effortlessly with one hand and places you atop the kitchen counter. You gasp into his mouth in surprise at the sudden movement, and it draws a low chuckle from him before he pulls away infinitesimally. You’re confused; is it ending already? You don’t want it to end. And it’s as if Sae reads your mind.

“Calm down, pretty,” he pants, eyes wide and pupils blown out. He smirks against your lips, smug, confident. “It’s just a breather, I’ll kiss you again, don’t worry.”

You roll your eyes, and Sae kisses you again; you can feel the way his lips curve up. He feels you loop your arms around his neck, somehow pulling him even closer to you, and he maneuvers one of your legs so it’s hooked around his hip. You seem to get the message, wrapping your legs around his waist. Sae hums into your mouth in approval, dragging a thumb across your cheekbone slowly, lips still against yours. He knows all of this is still more or less new to you, considering the fact that everything you’ve experienced has been with Sae, but it’s obvious that you’re growing more and more used to it by the second.

He doesn’t taste the lipgloss this time; he almost misses it – both the taste, and the way it smudges across your lips so prettily.

The taste of him intoxicates you, leaving you in a drunken stupor where he’s the only thing you can focus on. His every touch leaves a trail of fire in its wake across your body.

But heaven on earth always comes to an end, one way or the other. You’re both oh-so wrapped up in everything going on when Sae suddenly pulls away. You lean back from him, confused. “Sae, what’s wrong?”

“Just, just gimme a sec,” he rasps. His voice is low, husky from the kissing, and he’s somewhat short of breath. “I’m not looking for a relationship or anything. I don’t know why I did it, I broke up with Kaori like a week ago.”

“I know,” you reply matter-of-factly. “Like I give a fuck.”

And then you kiss him again.

The sound of his phone ringing interrupts the two of you, and you both turn your heads to look at it simultaneously. It’s an unknown number; he cuts the call, cursing, and turns back to you. But your eyes are widened in disbelief as you stare at the clock on his lockscreen. “Sae, it’s been almost an hour since we came here!”

“No way,” he says. There’s a note of mild surprise in his voice as he checks for himself.

“We have to get back to work,” you tell him.

“Whatever, five more minutes?”

You shake your head, finally leaving the kitchen. Now that the haze you’d been lost in has finally cleared, the magnitude of just how badly you’ve fucked all this up has begun to really sink in. Sae is much more composed than you – like he didn’t just spend the last thirty-ish minutes making out with you on his kitchen counter.

The two sides of you are fighting, clawing, tearing each other apart. One side wraps around you protectively, trying to keep your heart safe. To keep you safe. Stay away from him, it screams. You’ll only get hurt. The other side wants him – wants him so badly. He has you addicted with a singular touch; your body needs this, craves him.

And you hate how he’s perfectly fine about all this.

Spoiler alert: he isn’t. Although his face doesn’t betray it, he has been thinking.

That evening, before you leave, he asks you a question.

“What are we?”

You pause. “You said you’re not, y’know…”

“Yeah.” he’s selfish; he knows that you’re into him at least a little bit. [or a lot, considering how the last few days have been.] “What do you wanna do?”

This is the last moment you can turn back, save yourself. But you only live once, right? Might as well do it for the plot. “We can keep it like this, I don’t mind.”

Sae watches you touch up your makeup before you leave. You work calm and methodically – mascara, lipstick, that damned strawberry lipgloss. “y/n.”

You move your gaze from your compact mirror to him. Damn, you’re pretty. “What?”

“Kiss me,” he says, from the couch.

You don’t say no as you take your shoes off again.

You reapply your lipgloss again half an hour later, on the way home.

The project is completed much earlier than expected. If you’re being honest, though, you should have expected this, considering the two of you spend most of every day at each others’ places now anyways. You’ve always hated having rich, absent parents, but it doesn’t seem half as bad now. Not when Sae’s hand sits so comfortably on your waist, chin resting atop yours as he takes a photo of the finished piece. It’s like you’re two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly, that are meant to be. You wish it was meant to be.

You and Sae have been pretty good at keeping things under wraps, especially when you can barely keep your hands off each other. Ever since you okayed the relationship-not-relationship, it’s as if things have automatically upped a notch. And even then, you barely text, unless it’s about meeting up in secluded corners and empty parking lots, where Sae kisses you silly, until you can’t breathe and his sharp teal gaze is unfocused and glazed over. Sae chases you the way he chases every goal on the field, focused on you and only you, ruthless, mindless of everyone else until he has you right where he wants you, with unbuttoned shirts and loosened ties and roaming hands that grab collars and venture daringly underneath clothes without ever crossing that invisible line. In the past few weeks, for example, you’ve felt up Sae’s abs way more than you’re going to admit; you’ve lost count by now anyways, but you know you’d never go farther. [you never started.]

When Sae Itoshi truly puts his mind to it, he is an emphatic lover. Between days of stolen kisses and fleeting touches and nights where you sneak out to meet him like he’s your boyfriend, time passes fast. Your favorite drink sits at one corner of your desk every day at school, and sometimes people ask if you’re dating someone. You shake your head no, but it still is a pleasant surprise every day, you tell people. It’s most definitely not Sae, especially when he’s slightly late to school every day after his early morning soccer practice.

In his own classroom down the hall, Rin’s lips quirk up into a subtle smile.

Sixteen turns into seventeen in the blink of an eye.

Sae’s slowly becoming more and more busy with soccer, and it’s not like you aren’t busy either. You barely see him now, except at schools and parties, both of which are less than ideal, considering the nature of your relationship. This doesn’t deter Sae, however, and you often find yourselves in empty rooms or the like, risking it all for a few kisses.

And then there’s the matter of his girlfriends. Because whether you like it or not, Sae has begun to date girls every now and then. They’re not serious relationships, just stupid flings that last a month or two. He never brings them up to you, and you never mention them either, unless you’re asking whether he’s done with them. He doesn’t tell you when exactly he starts dating someone new, but it’s obvious from how he pulls back and stops texting you at all. And then you see a new girl hanging off his arm at every party, and of course you’re jealous. Why wouldn’t you be? After all, it’s been five years since the first spark of anything you’ve felt for him came alive.

You’re the one constant in his life, though, other than soccer. Every time he’s done with another girlfriend, he comes straight back to you. Or you go back to him.

Sae: come over?

Sae: yeah yeah im done w her dont worry

y/n: okay

You never refuse him, overpowered by greed, trying to get as much of him to yourself as you can.

“Hey,” he greets you. His lips are already on yours before he’s closing the door. You don’t respond – how can you, given your position – but you smile into the kiss all the same. Sae is the closest you’ve ever had to a boyfriend. You have no interest in anyone outside him anyways. His parents are rarely home, and so are yours, so you often end up spending nights at each others’ places. It’s nothing sexual; you’d just rather not be alone. There’s a drawer of Sae’s things in your room, and he knows – and you know he knows – that you wear them occasionally. You always deny it, but he encourages it with a sly smile. “Better you than anyone else,” he says. It makes you feel special. Even his girlfriends don’t get that treatment. But that’s before you sleep over at Sae’s. Once you start staying over, his clothes are basically at your disposal. You steal his button ups, his t-shirts, his shorts. And the best part is, he doesn’t mind in the slightest. All he does is grin at you lazily while he shamelessly checks you out. “You look good, pretty girl.”

He laughs at the way the pet name startles you.

Seventeen is also when your life falls apart.

Sae shows up unannounced one night at your door, with a bouquet, a gift bag and an envelope. You haven’t seen him in a while. He’s been busy with some sort of tryouts, you’re not really sure. He hands the bag and flowers to you watching you toss the bouquet onto a couch and turn to the bag. You take out a small velvet box. It looks expensive. Inside, there’s a simple gold necklace with a heart-shaped locket. Your eyes widen. “Sae, what is this? How much did it–”

“Don’t worry about it,” he says. His usually dispassionate face seems almost sad. “Just a present for my favorite girl.”

Sae has never been a verbal person with you. In the last two years, he’s only ever made his thoughts clear through his actions – never his words. This is new, and for some reason, it scares you. “But why?”

“It’s my way of saying goodbye,” he admits. Your heart drops.

“What?”

He hands you the envelope next, and your eyes frantically skim through the document until you finish; he’s been chosen to go to Spain and train under that one soccer team he’s always talked about. You look up with wide eyes. “Sae, I’m so happy for you!”

He smiles, albeit melancholically. “I knew you’d be. But there’s also… us.”

You’re confused. “Huh? Us?”

He nods. “Whatever we’re doing right now – I can’t continue it. Not like this, over texts, with the time difference and everything. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I do.” Your heart shatters into a million pieces, but you don’t want to feel any of this. Because even though you’re losing him right now, he was never yours in the first place – and you were never his. And you’d known this from the start; anticipated it even. There’d been a small part of you that had hoped, of course, that things would go a different route, but it had been set in stone all along. You take a deep breath. “Okay, Sae Itoshi, what do you wanna do?”

The corners of his lips twitch at the use of his full name, even as he tries to remain serious. “I don’t know, y/n l/n, what do I wanna do?”

Stuffing the envelope back into his hoodie pocket, he cradles your face softly with both hands, like you’re fragile. Weird. He’s never done anything like this, especially not almost-in-public. He’s always been careful, trying not to get caught. And he has kept this hidden for almost two years now, so you can’t exactly complain. You grab his wrists with both of your hands, pulling him into your house. You lock the door carefully, but you don’t notice the girl at the corner of the street. The one with a wicked little smile on her face, as she clicks yet another incriminating picture of you and Sae, damning evidence of the stupid not-relationship the two of you have kept hidden for so long.

“Do me,” you snicker as soon as you make sure the door is locked. It’s not your usual humor, not with Sae, anyways, but you’re too absorbed in your thoughts, trying to hide the intense pain you’re feeling right now. You hope it doesn’t show on your face.

Sae raises one eyebrow, arms crossed in front of him. “Come again?”

“Nothing,” you say. “C’mere, help me put this on.”

He follows you to your room like a sad puppy, waiting silently as you turn the lights on and stand in front of the mirror. He takes the necklace from your hands, fastening it around your neck. You fix the positioning of the locket; the metal is cool against your skin that’s heated up from the brush of his fingers on the nape of your neck. Your eyes meet his in the mirror, and the silence is strained, awkward even, unlike anything you’ve experienced with him before.

“So, when are you leaving?” you ask him.

“Tomorrow.”

Oh. So that’s why it’s goodbye. Of course. [You want to die.] Instead, you turn to him, hoping your face doesn’t betray your emotions. “How long are you staying here?”

“How long do you want me to?”

“When’s your flight?”

“Stop asking me questions,” he huffs. “Eight, I think.”

You open your mouth to ask another question.

“AM, eight in the morning,” he says, hands raised in surrender. “Now will you stop?”

“Let’s watch a movie,” you tell him, ignoring the second statement. “Then you can go home, I guess.”

“You guess? What, you wanna keep me here forever?” he means it as a joke, but you hum in agreement.

“Sure.”

He pulls one of your drawers open, taking out two sets of clothing. He chucks one at you with a grin. “Go change, stupid. Get comfortable.”

“Oh,” you say. “You have to take all this back, right?”

“Nah,” he responds carelessly. “I don’t. Keep ‘em, throw ‘em out for all I care.”

You change in the bathroom, giving him space to do the same in your room. But when you come out after giving him sufficient time to finish – he’s always been quick in every way – he hasn’t changed, standing with his back to you while talking on the phone in only his boxers. You wait for him to finish, patiently staring at his back until he finishes. He notices your presence almost as soon as the call ends, turning around to face you. “What?”

“Nice ass, Itoshi,” you grin.

He narrows his eyes at you. “For real, y/n?”

You don’t answer, instead busying yourself with fixing up your bed while he gets dressed. When your bed looks okay enough for your [arguably low] standards, you turn back to Sae, who’s still very much shirtless. He holds his t-shirt in front of him, staring at it skeptically.

“The fuck, Sae? Put your clothes on!”

“It’s hot tonight,” he complains. “Can’t I go without?”

In all those nights of staying over, he’s never done that before. If it had been anyone else you’d probably have said no. But it is Sae asking, and when have you ever said no to him? You make a show of thinking it over, but your mind has already said yes.

You start off at separate sides of the bed – you always do. This time, though, you don’t really concentrate on the movie as much as you should. Sneaking looks at Sae Itoshi’s lean, yet defined and extremely attractive body is much more fun anyways. When you’re about halfway through the stupid, sappy rom-com you’re watching, you feel a strong pair of arms wrap around your middle before Sae pulls you into himself. Your terrified shriek turns into a groan as you turn over to smack him in annoyance. “Maybe ask next time!”

Sae shakes his head, burying his face in your hair. Humming appreciatively, he pulls the hem of your [his] loose t-shirt up just enough to be able to wrap his arms around your bare middle. He turns back to the movie, but you’re stuck in contemplative thought. This is all new; he’s never actively done anything like it during any of your countless movie nights – if they can even be called that, considering the majority of them are interrupted by him initiating something or vice versa – and he’s always waited for the two of you to slowly come closer to each other rather than pull you to him, like tonight. He’s acting like what you'd expect a real boyfriend to act like, and suddenly your insides lurch, and once again the gravity of the situation hits you.

You’ve never really minded being Sae’s little secret, someone he comes back to when he’s tired of school and soccer and his girlfriends. It makes you feel like you’re kind of a safe space for him, where he’s not afraid to be soft or tired or imperfect. Of course, he’ll always be perfect in your eyes, anyways. But it hurts like hell now, when he acts like he’s yours, buying you expensive shit, calling you his favorite girl – who even does that? You’re already thinking of giving the necklace away, because how can you live with something like it, when he’s the one giving it to you, his “favorite girl”, when he’s not even your boyfriend. And even then, you’ve managed to somehow fall in love with him.

It’s so fucked – you’re so fucked.

Sae seems oblivious to your troubled thoughts, hands busied with toying with your necklace.

“This looks pretty on you,” he murmurs, and you want to throw up. You can’t take it anymore; you want to forget it, forget him, forget every compliment that he’s handed you today like some sort of indirect apology. Another second of all this, and you might just cry. You need him to shut the fuck up, and the easiest way to do that is–

“Sae, wanna make out?”

He never says no to you, either.

Sae leaves like a shadow in the night; he kisses you goodbye and whispers something that sounds suspiciously like “I’msorryIloveyou” before he pulls away. But he’s Sae, he would never say that. And even while breaking your heart into pieces with his bare hands, slow and deliberate, he still has the audacity to look so devastatingly beautiful while doing it. And you still can’t hate him. You don’t think you’ll ever be able to. It’s maybe two in the morning when you stand at the door waiting for him to leave – you’re not sure because one moment you’re falling asleep, and the next he’s waking you up, cursing, running late. He still needs to pack half his stuff. You’re startled out of your sleep when you hear that; is he fucking stupid? Who leaves that for the last few hours?

But you digress.

You haven’t bothered to turn the lights on, knowing that you'll probably just go back to bed and cry. Maybe grab some ice cream from the kitchen on your way. Not that it matters. Sae’s changed back into his normal clothes again. He looks like he’s about to say something, but then he stops. Stepping out of your house for the last time in who knows when, he turns back. You both speak at the same time.

“y/n.”

“Sae.”

“You go first,” he says.

“How long will you be, um, gone?” you ask. You’re aware your voice is shaky. Your lower lip trembles, and you bite down on it to stop. You’re going to cry – you don’t want to, not in front of him.

“Two years,” he replies sheepishly. “Give or take.”

Two–

“I won’t have my phone, or anything,” he continues, unprompted. “So…”

“Yeah, I get it,” you say.

“Yeah.”

“What were you gonna say?” you ask. You’d almost forgotten.

“Oh,” he seems shy, all of a sudden. The cocky, confident, arrogant, brash Sae Itoshi, acting like this in front of you? Something’s definitely up. “Oh.”

“Hm?”

“I’ll miss you,” he says at last.

He watches your face carefully: the way it moves, the way your expression changes, the way the tiniest spasm of pain flits across it before it goes back to whatever facade you’ve been maintaining carefully ever since he came over today. You don’t say anything back, but god you’re beautiful. Even in your [his] ugly, oversized clothes and with your messy hair, you look absolutely enchanting, angelic features illuminated by the silvery moonlight. Suddenly he’s transported back to a certain evening almost two years ago, with you in a shimmery blue dress, standing by a window. You in that same blue dress, kissing him like your life depended on it. You–

“You should go,” you say shakily. I’ll miss you too, Sae. So much. You don’t even know.

“I should.” He doesn’t want to.

[You don’t see Sae Itoshi again until you’re on a cruise ship, celebrating your nineteenth birthday.]

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look-at-the-soul · 3 days

Text

Every little thing you do- Part 7

Tommy Shelby x reader

Series master list

A/N:Sorry for not posting this part earlier! I’ve been sick all week but I’m finally functioning like a human again 🤭 you’ll see some references to what really happened in season 3, I just adapted it to this story. Anyways hope you enjoy it! 🥰 let me know in the comments xx

Word count: 3,964

Tommy felt his anger raising, but he needed to calm down and think.

Think straight, have a clear mind.

Father Hughes was the most irritating person on earth. He didn’t want him to be involved in his charity project, that man was far from being someone respectable and he only make him waste his time. Deep down, Tommy knew he must have a dark past, something that he did wrong… he just needed to find what was his weakness.

It was still early, but still he needed a drink. Taking a glass and a decanter, he poured himself some.

“Thomas.” Polly called from the door.

“I need you to take care of everything today, gotta go.”

“Where?”

“I’ve a meeting, will probably be back later tonight.” He took a long swing of his drink. “Arranged a meeting with Vicente Changretta, Arthur and John will be there.”

They needed to fix the relationship with the Italians, after burning down the restaurant. He already had enough trouble in his hands.

“Fine.” She looked at him intensely. “You know… I was talking to Lizzie yesterday.”

Tommy hummed unbothered.

“Has Y/N told you if Lizzie keeps pissing her off?”

“No. Why?” He moved to his desk to take a few things.

Polly shuddered, perhaps she understood Lizzie wrong, she seemed to feel embarrassed and refused to say anything else to her.

“She’s jealous.” Polly ran her fingers through her hair. “She thought Y/N’s baby was yours.”

Tommy’s head snapped towards his aunt. His eyes had closed in disbelief. “What the fuck?”

“Look, I’m not judging her, and you shouldn’t either.” Polly gave him a knowing glance, se had talked to the secretary and she seemed to be having a change of heart.

“She told me she’s willing to do anything to get you to trust her once more.”

Pondering on Polly’s words, Tommy thought for a couple of seconds. “Anything eh? Alright… she’s going to help us clean the mess she made.”

He’d try to push Lizzie’s buttons just to make sure how far she could go. The sudden change could’ve a reason behind.

Now it was Polly’s turn to squint her eyes. “What are you thinking of?”

“She’s going to break up this absurd romance with Angel Changretta. Very peacefully.”

“Isn’t that too much to ask?” She asked cautiously.

“Explain to Lizzie how life works, no matter what Angel says, he’ll always remind her of her past. If she knows what’s good for her, she’ll always have her desk available here as a secretary, but if she keeps this going, I’m going to be her worst nightmare.” He warned right before storming out his office.

First he’d stop by to pay Ada a visit, then off to the meeting with the Russian royalty.

***

Y/N thanked the two men carrying the last piece of furniture into the office, they previously brought in the small desk and chairs, the bookshelf and a file cabinet.

In the corner of the room, she kept a box full of folders, sheets and other office supplies she would distribute among the classrooms. Most of her days have been busy organizing the storage and after a while it seemed to be presentable.

“Miss Y/N Y/LN?” The gardener called, getting her attention. “Your presence is required outside.”

“Oh! Sure.”

The Shelby Institute might open its doors any moment now, she thought as she strolled through the long hall, her shoes clacked against the floor, the daily walks around the institute made her keep in a good shape, because her belly was becoming more prominent day by day, of course she got out of breath anyways.

“We just need you to check if it’s the right color.” Paul asked pointing at the wall.

Tommy made sure to hire Small Heath people, purchasing all the material from local and small businesses, he felt this urge to help as much as possible because he couldn’t stop thinking given different circumstances, it would be him instead of them struggling with money, not having enough in their pockets to feed their family.

“This looks amazing, thank you for all the hard work you’re doing.” Y/N praised.

It wasn’t her place to supervise, but Tommy officially let her decide everything that was needed; from the color, decoration, even the personnel. He just kept signing cheques.

“Am I still on time to enroll my children? Could you ask Mr. Shelby, Miss Y/LN?”

“Yes of course you can! Bring me the papers tomorrow morning and the authorization.”

It was Tommy’s wish, to help as much people as possible.

The man gave her an embarrassed glance. “I don’t want them to be like me, I want them to have an education.” He added with melancholy.

“There’s nothing wrong to work in construction Billy,” Y/N encouraged. “But it’s admirable that you want them to be better.”

“That wouldn’t be possible without Mr. Shelby’s generosity.”

Y/N smiled at him but before she could step inside the building again, she noticed a car parking behind. Squinting her eyes because of the sun, she could barely tell who was that.

“Is this the Institution that runs that gang leader?” The man asked, judging by his attire he was a priest, but there was some off about him that said otherwise.

An uneasy feeling made Y/N take a step back, she covered her bump with the folders in her hands in a protective motion.

“Who’s asking?”

Tommy would be the last person on earth to have something to do with a priest.

The man looked her up and down, giving her a nasty and dirty stare.

“Tell him I’ll supervise this place, once it’s open.”

When he left, his vehicle made a cloud of dust. He didn’t ask politely, no, he pretended to be in charge of the charity.

Y/N walked inside the Institute again, making a mental note to add a room for the children to read, and they might need a fountain in the patio. She chuckled to herself, realizing she started to sound like Tommy.

No long after honking loudly, Tommy announced his presence, Y/N saw him behind the window as he was strolling towards her.

“Pick up your stuff, we’re going.” He announced.

“Where?”

“Somewhere, don’t ask.”

Y/N frowned. “I’ve to ask, it’s going to be midday, there’s things that need to be done.”

Tommy stepped into her office, looking for her coat and handbag.

“Yeah I pay you a ridiculous amount of money it’s about time you hire an assistant.” He said with a wink.

“An assistant of an assistant. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard.” She added, Tommy noticed she crossed her arms, not pleased by his interruption, she was always doing what she had to do and don’t you dare to move something from her things-to-do-list.

“It’s something good, trust me.”

“Can I ask where are we going?” Y/N asked enjoying the wind in her face.

“No.”

“What’s with all this secrecy?”

“If I tell you, you’re going to tell me no.”

“Well, you better include food because the baby is getting hungry.” Y/N smiled at her bump, while her hands caressed in a circle motion. Day by day she was getting fond of her baby.

“Oh I was counting you’d say that, lately you’re demanding more and more food.” He added in a light mood.

“Polly says I need to eat for two.” Y/N defended.

Tommy chuckled and in a blink, he was gone. He literally stormed into the library.

The little information she managed to get was that now she was reading out loud for Tommy a book about Russians that ran away from the revolution and opted to live exiled and from the Crown’s charity. Tommy assured her that way was practical.

Parking later after in front of a couple of shops, but she still knew so little about what was behind Tommy’s requests.

“I’ve a meeting around, it should be quick,” he explained helping Y/N out of the car, “but I thought it might be good if you start searching for some baby furniture, eh?”

“Tommy…” She covered her mouth with her hand.

“And don’t even start saying you don’t have money, I promised your grandma to look after the two of you, and that includes the things the baby will need.” Tommy used her shocked state to practically drag her inside the store, wining the argument way before it could start. “Hello, we would like to check out a moses, a rocking chair, a drawer…”

Y/N stared at him silently, Tommy thought of everything and even though his generosity wasn’t a surprise, it still came out of the blue, catching her off guard.

“Would you like us to open an account?” Asked the perplexed sales woman.

“Yes,” Tommy answered eyeing a catalog. “Everything she wants, a lamp, the carpet, the sheets… just put it into my account.” He handled a card with his company name and address. “Pick you up in about an hour?”

Y/N nodded, still trying to process everything.

“Leave something for the rest of the costumers ey!” Tommy shouted from the door before disappearing.

The woman started swooning immediately. “I hope the baby will get his eyes.” The woman admitted with a blush.

Y/N opened her mouth to correct her and tell her that Tommy wasn’t the father, but she closed it instead, remembering the advise her grandmother shared with her; don’t explain your situation to people you don’t know, let them believe their assumptions even if it’s incorrect. It will save you of uncomfortable explanations.

So Y/N gave the sales woman an awkward smile and followed her to the back of the store, this moment would arrive sooner or later and she was already here.

“We can make any piece you want in a variety of colors, there’s a trunk in the corner that goes well with this dresser…”

“Let me bring the fabric catalog for the carpets.” Added another woman, they obviously wanted to make a juicy sale.

Y/N felt like she was walking on a cloud, the smile on her face couldn’t get bigger. And now, she was the one swooning over the furniture, her imagination taking her to unknown places with images of her rocking her baby to sleep, or taking a look through the canopy at a small bundle of joy.

An excited gasp escaped her lips when she landed her eyes on a crib mobile. Her heart did this flip inside her chest and she could hardly hide her emotions.

“Should we add it?” The expert eye of the sales woman noticed her excitement. “Your baby will be fascinated and spend hours staring at it.”

The mobile had a handmade star and a sheep, a fluffy cloud and a small sun. It was adorable, she couldn’t wait for her baby to be born to use everything.

Y/N was allowed to sit on the rocking chairs to see which one felt more comfortable and the women showed her a few combinations to create a whole set of dresser, a small wardrobe, a bedside table and also the different colors they had to offer. The more she looked, the more confused she felt because everything was beautiful! She had never had the chance to purchase furniture, since her house was filled with her grandma’s possessions.

A fond memory of her grandmother knitting a blanket for one of her sisters filled her mind, her parents didn’t have enough money to buy fancy furniture, so they used a basket as a crib, she was just a girl but she remembered it clearly.

Both women shared endless recommendations for her baby arrival, and Y/N felt extremely grateful and was willing to take every little thing that could be helpful.

As she flicked another page of the catalog, she wondered how long would it take Tommy to pick her up, then her thoughts wandered towards her sister Lee-Anne, the last time she saw her, it was the day her father hit her. They couldn’t meet because their parents where so strict now, after what happened, they were trying to move under the radar according to her grandmother. There were so many things she wanted to tell Lee-Anne, firstly assure her that she was alright, she didn’t need to worry, then when the time is right, she would explain everything to her, so the younger girl wouldn’t make the same mistake as her.

Not that she thought her baby was a mistake, no. Those are two separate things. But the circumstances it’s what was wrong, she was aware that not all women had a Tommy Shelby around the corner to selflessly take care of everything.

If only she knew then, she’d do it differently.

“Y/N?” A gentle voice called for her, something squeezed her arm slightly.

Her eyes fluttered open and Y/N looked around confused.

“You fell asleep.” Tommy pointed out.

“It happens all the time.” The sales woman gave her a small glance. “We didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Goodness.” Y/N felt embarrassed and mortified, she felt tired.

“So, I think you found the perfect rocking chair then.” Tommy raised his eyebrows in amusement.

“We’ll have everything delivered in a couple of weeks.” Her smile couldn’t get bigger.

Thanking them, Tommy and Y/N stepped outside the boutique, she wanted to stretch her legs so bad.

“How did your meeting go?”

“Boring.”

He always had just a few words to say. But his eyes, said everything that was crossing his mind.

“Did you get to drink vodka and do the Russian dance?” Y/N teased.

Tommy scoffed at her sense of humor.

“He’s a liar, a buffer. He’s just a filthy lucky bastard with the right connections.”

He sighed loudly, but at least Tommy was sharing something with her. In that case it would be so easy for him to make that man show his true colors.

As he started the engine, Y/N started telling him of all the adorable things they showed her at the store, noticing the way her eyes were glowing. And he obviously preferred that kind of news instead of the one Polly was about to share.

“I’ll wait here by the fireplace.” Y/N announced, not wanting to get in the middle of the argument.

Sitting in one of the couches, she leaned her head back, rolling her feet meanwhile a few steps away, the Shelby family were discussing over whatever John had made.

“If you apologize once, you do it again and again…” Y/N heard Tommy say as she was drifting away to sleep. But she was far too gone and tired.

Feeling drained after all the things he got busy with, Tommy couldn’t wait to be home.

“You can stay over so you don’t have to drive back.” He proposed to his brother Finn, who would be driving.

But as Tommy stepped into the entry, he stopped abruptly when his eyes landed on Y/N. She was peacefully sleeping on the couch, the flames of the fireplace casting shadows over her features while one of her hands rested under her belly.

He didn’t have the heart to wake her up.

“Bring the car around.” He whispered Finn, trying to concede Y/N a few more minutes before starting the road back home.

Taking off his coat, he slid it over her frame to cover her from the cold. Tommy tried to call her in a low voice, but she only adjusted her shoulder as answer. Y/N should probably take things easier, but she was adamant to finish the charity project, she was pouring every fiber of her soul into it and wanted to make sure every single detail was perfect.

“Y/N… let’s go.” Tommy tried again softly.

Fluttering her eyes, she slowly opened them squinting in confusion by feeling Tommy touching her shoulder.

“C’mon let me help you.”

“Hmm.” She hummed barely cooperating.

She was beyond sleepy by the time they reached the car, settled taking the back seat by herself, she heard the Shelby brothers talking something about an Italian pub and a fight that would eventually happen. Tommy mentioned something about their fragile ego and sending flowers to a hospital, but Y/N couldn’t be sure because maybe it was part of her dream.

She moved across the room, smashing the fresh berries for the pie she was baking, the lovely smell feeling the small kitchen, it was a sunny day and she could hear the birds chirping, when suddenly a baby cry came to her attention. Y/N rushed then to get pick up her baby who was demanding her presence.

“It’s just fine, are you hungry?” She cooed to settle the lovely bundle wrapped in a blanket.

“How’s my ray of sunshine?” Asked her grandmother from behind, reaching over to caress the baby’s face.

“Woke up hungry.”

“You feed the baby while I finish the pie.”

When the car took a turn Y/N’s bumped something, she woke up disoriented.

“Finally I was tired of you snoring.” Tommy teased taking at look over his shoulder.

“Oh my God I don’t snore!”

“Loud and clear.” Tommy assured her. “Like a truck driver.”

Y/N gave Tommy a surprised and embarrassed look, awkwardly she tried to fix her hair since it was out of place.

Finn rushed upstairs while Mary greeted them by the door.

“Something important came up?” Tommy asked the maid.

“Just a few letters.” She gave him a nod.

“Oh, and maybe a couple of responses to the charity invitation.” Y/N wondered out loud.

“All correspondence arrived under Mr. Shelby’s name.” The maid explained, making a bit obvious that she wasn’t very fond of Y/N.

Y/N looked between Tommy and Mary, waiting.

“Go on, go check the mail.” He told her softly.

“Mr. Shelby.” Mary tried to get his attention. “The mailman thinks Miss Y/LN is Mrs. Shelby, he asked me if Mrs. Shelby had anymore invites to send off.” The maid voiced with concern.

Tommy noticed the offended tone in her voice.

“Let him think whatever he wants, Mary.” Tommy shuddered, not thinking it was important. “As long as he takes the mail.”

“But…” she tried again, then closed her mouth when Tommy gave her the look.

“That’s all, thank you Mary.” Tommy dismissed her just as Y/N entered the reading room skipping happily.

“Guess!”

Sitting, Tommy groaned. “Guess what?”

“He said yes!” Y/N explained excitedly.

“Who?” He chuckled at her happiness.

“He leader of the Birmingham City Council is going to attend the dinner.” Y/N showed him the letter back. “Everyone has said yes.”

Tommy dragged his eyes from the piece of paper, towards Y/N.

“Ah.” Suddenly she got the energy of a kid, it was the nap during the car ride did wonders to her.

“I keep changing the menu, do you think we should offer something else?” Y/N kept explaining how she needed to send a Thank you note back to the people who had confirmed their attendance.

The charity was clearly an excellent job for her. Keeping her busy with something good whilst helping people in need and he was glad to have someone he could trust to take care of that.

“You need to remember to take this slowly, write off those notes tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.” He suggested.

“But Tommy, these things can’t wait, it takes days for the letters to be delivered and-”

“Very well then, why don’t you use the typewriter I gave you.” He cleared his throat and took a sip of his drink.

“Tom!” She chuckled. “You don’t write letters of a social occasion on a typewriter.” Y/N explained him with a smile.

“Oh, forgive me.” He raised his eyebrows.

She then went on to show him another paper. “I’ve the drawings of what they plan to do with the grounds of the institute. There’ll be an area for the children to play. Look.” He hummed in response. “And the Birmingham Charity Commission have agreed to set aside their three rotten floorboards upstairs and grant us the license within a month.”

She finally took a deep breath after managing to explain him all in record time. There was a soft smile playing on his lips and she found tenderness in his eyes.

“You’re not listening to me.” Y/N sentenced.

Tommy leaned forwards. “Yes I am. I am.”

“You think I’m becoming obsessed?” Y/N stopped abruptly.

A chuckle escaped Tommy’s lips. “No, as a matter of fact, I love the passion you’ve put into this project.”

“This wouldn’t be possible without you.” Y/N expressed honestly.

Tommy gave Y/N a long look, studying her features, until he finally spoke.

“I’ve something for you.” Y/N frowned confused. “I know you’ll say it’s a bit too much, but still.”

“What did you get?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“Close your eyes.” Tommy encouraged.

“Tom.”

He fixed his eyes on her, not taking a no for as answer. So she gave in, turned around and closed her eyes.

Leaning back, Tommy got something out of his pocket, holding the chain between both hands, he presented Y/N the present.

Y/N felt lost for words when she saw the necklace. “What’s this?”

“A sapphire.” He explained calmly.

The cold stone sent a shiver down her spine when it made contact with her skin. It felt heavy and strange to have a stone that bug hanging from her neck.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“A simple thank you could work.” He winked. “And before you even start, you can either wear it or keep it in the box it’s your choice.”

Y/N was still trying to process the overpriced present, never in a million years she imagined to own something like that piece of expensive jewelry.

“This is insane, but thank you.” She chuckled nervously. “Where am I even supposed to wear something like this? The charity event?”

“You can wear it to church if you want, it’s yours Y/N.”

“Goodness.” She looked down at her chest and touched the cold gemstone. “You really look for any excuse to show off your wealth, damned bastard.”

Tommy laughed loudly. “You got me.”

“I wanted to ask you to be my baby’s godfather… but you’re going to spoil the poor child.”

“Oh I think I earned that right, so you better keep considering me.”

She slapped his arm playfully, earning another laugh from him. Tommy pulled her by the arm but the sharp move caught her off guard and made her loose her balance, landing on his chest. His arms came around her waist instantly in a protective motion, and their laughs subsided as soon as they realized how close they were to each other’s faces.

Something they both didn’t know how to name ignited in that moment, suddenly her warm hands felt like burning through the layers of his clothes, his deep blue sparkled in a way she had never seen before.

Struggling to form a coherent thought, Y/N used his chest to support her arms and move back. Tommy cleared his throat just as he was trying to clear his mind.

“Sorry… I stumbled.” She tried to smooth her clothes.

“Yeah.” He noticed the blush on her cheeks.

“Better go to get s-some rest.” The words rushed out of her lips. “Have a good night.”

“Good night, Y/N.” He replied more to himself, watching her leave the room.

Taking the remains of his drink in a swing, Tommy thought how close they were of crossing a line that would change everything.

Tag list: list: @lyarr24 @runnning-outof-time @cillmequick @datewithgianni @cloudofdisney

@gretelshelby @garrison-girl-08 @lespendy @onlydeadcells @fastfan

@stevie75 @prettylittlehoneyeyesxoxo @esposadomd @forbidden-forest-witch @ange-thoughts

@moral-terpitude @elenavampire21 @forgottenpeakywriter @thenattitude @winchestergirl22

@zablife @elk96 @blondie-22 @imichelle-l-rigby @allie131313

@already-broken144 @peakyscillian @babaohhhriley @shaddixlife @sloanexx

@sydneyyyya @lau219 @adaydreamaway08 @pono-pura-vida @thomashelbyswife

@darleneslane @lauren-raines-x @everythingelseisextra @kmc1989 @red-riding-wood

@lovemissyhoneybee @theendlessvoidofdarkest @wannabeperfectionists-blog (can’t tag) @yeppaweshallsee (can’t tag) @skydisneylover (can’t tag)

@holacia3 @galactict3a @mysticalbouquetwolf-posts @ietss @abaker74

@natalie--rushman @elliaze @justrainandcoffee @teawonderfultea-blog1

#that’s what Cill said #tommy shelby x reader insert #tommy shelby x y/n #tommy shelby x you #thomas shelby x imagine #thomas shelby x y/n #peaky blinders fan fiction #thomas shelby imagine #peaky blinders imagine #tommy shelby x reader

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calder · 24 hours

Text

Fallout 3 was originally in development at Black Isle Studios, codenamed Van Buren, but it was cancelled when Bethesda bought the IP.

At one point, designer John Deiley was creating an area called the Nursery, a Noah's Ark-like location which housed pre-war fauna.

He planned to have Pagans and Wiccans take up residence here, but Chris Avellone allegedly said no, banning them outright.

scream

not to dwell on the dev tension of this too much -- it's very exciting to find such a strong link between V29 and occultism

would really love to pick this guys brain

edit oh my god. yeah cool we can "disprove" the headline of this anecdote by identifying the cult in the van buren design doc. i can also read the top of the article. wanna unpack this?

"He said, 'You are not to bring Paganism or Wiccanism or anything into the game,'" Deiley recounts. "I said, 'Well, Chris, what do you think happened to these people when the bombs went off? Did every one of them just vanish from the face of the Earth? When you consider the whole purpose of the Nursery, wouldn't they make the perfect tenants and tenders?' [He said,] 'I've made my decision' and just turned around and walked off."

@ChrisAvellone: There was a faction you could join, do quests for, and potentially lead in Van Buren that was a pagan faction (Daughters of Hecate). Might have bad info from source?

Deiley said 'he pointedly told me i wasn't allowed to develop this faction descending from pre-war pagans' avellone defended himself by saying 'but i made my own faction which could be called post war pagans'

deiley is describing a thing that happened. the oral history of fallout is richer for this detail & the impulse to entirely deny the reality of his account by calling another van buren faction pagan is an unflattering defensive technicality

these two men worked on eight video games together. they stood in a room together and one of them shit on the other one's creativity repeatedly. his defense is 'he described it imperfectly; i proceeded to do that idea myself'

i just wanted to learn more about the creativity of this furtive fallout vet.

the accusation that someone 'banned paganism from a fallout game' is not remarkable or meaningful enough on its own to be worth negating. we know for a fact deiley was responsible for talking deathclaws and chris avellone killed them and publicly made hostile jokes about it. he complained about deiley's idea (which he already killed) for being hippie shit for a quarter of a century.

WOULD THIS MAN SHIT ON AN IDEA????????

"I’ve always hated aliens in Fallout, for example, and as I’ve often told Tim Cain, I was pretty fucking pissed off he thought including ghosts in Fallout was a good idea. It’s like you’re opening the goddamn door to the spirit world in a post-apoc game, and that’s a whole separate aesthetic detour in a franchise that’s already been placed in danger of losing its direction by being given to a bunch of newbs.” -Avellone, recounting the first time he worked on a fallout game

someone described how avellone stomped on their idea and the rebuttal is that he implemented a similar one elsewhere

it is embarrassing that he responded this way

#29 #v13

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messedupfan · 1 day

Text

The Hope of a Free World: The Tribute

Summary: In this version of the story, you were the one chosen to go into the Hunger Games to help carry out the plan.

A/n: So a little explanation here. You do not have to read both "The Mentor" and "The Tribute" but you do have to read "The Setup." This is sort of my version of a Choose Your Own Adventure because I saw this going both ways when the request was made. You are absolutely welcome to read both versions of the story, but thought I'd let y'all know that you don't have to. I also forgot to warn y'all before but I'm a huge Everlark fan. If you stan Everthorne, not the fic for you.

Warnings: Violence, mentions of suicide, alcoholism, drug abuse, mentions of forced prostitution, rebellion, mentions of torture.

Masterlist | The Prologue | All Stories Taglist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the announcement of the Third Quarter Quell declared that the tributes would be pulled from the existing pool of victors, you were itching for a drink. No, you were itching for the drug you take when you have to entertain a client you don’t like. You wanted to feel numb. You didn’t want to think about having to experience the anxiety of a reaping once again. You’ve only been a victor for four years. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

You had tuned in only to vote on the dress for Katniss Everdeen to wear for her upcoming nuptials. Not to find out that you have a chance at dying in the arena again.

You don’t alter your mind to escape the harsh realities. As much as you want to. You made promises to take better care of yourself. Especially after almost revealing your secrets to the wrong person while in a drunken stupor. As soon as the broadcast is over, Finnick storms into your house and pulls you out. You can hear Annie’s cries from the house they shared. It was the only home in the Victor’s Village that had all of its hidden recording devices removed. He threw you on the couch as he began to pull on his hair and mutter to himself. “Mags,” he left and returned with the older woman a few minutes later. That was everyone he could trust in the district.

Finnick doesn’t say anything coherent at first, mostly muttering to himself as his girlfriend is hysterical. He gives Annie a heavy dose of sleep syrup and he carries her to bed when it kicks in. “It’s better if she remains in the dark,” he says as he sits in front of you and Mags. She was a sweet woman, she didn’t deserve this unfair ruling for the Games either. She shouldn’t have to go through a reaping. “Mags already knows this but I haven’t been transparent with you about the rebellion. This is happening because we’re trying to free the districts.”

“How do you plan to do that from inside the arena? Do you realize how unfair this is for those teenagers that won last year? They just got out!” You stand up, upset on their behalf. “Katniss is the only female tribute for that district! Did the rebels think about that when deciding to throw us back in there?”

“We decided that it was in everyone's best interest that she returned to the Games,” Finnick stated calmly.

“I find it hard to believe that girl agreed to that,” you scoffed with a scowl.

“She doesn’t know anything about the rebellion,” he admits. “She doesn't know about any of this and for her safety, it's best that she doesn't.”

You shake your head. You don't understand how knowing nothing keeps people safe. It looks like it's putting people in dangerously compromising positions. “Like you said I was better off I don't know anything either! Why are you even telling me about this?”

“Sit down,” Mags demands and even with how fired up you are, you do as she says. She hardly ever demanded anything, so you respect when she does. “Listen,” she points to Finnick and with a huff, you nod.

“I'm telling you this because I need you to be the one to go into the Games. Mags will go in as well because she is loved by so many.” Finnick maintains eye contact with you as he tells you the plan and the reason. “People in the Capitol don't care about random tributes because they don't know them. They don't see them as people until they win. They think they know us. They claim to love us. Well, we're going to make them question everything.”

“I still don't think it's fair for Katniss and Peeta. They have worked too hard to just be thrown back in.” You shake your head.

“You don't get it,” Finnick says as he leans closer. “Katniss is the face of this thing. What she did with those berries was inspiring. The Capitol tried to trick her and she refused to play that game. She has to be put back in there. We're hoping that Peeta doesn't land in there again, but according to Haymitch that boy is going to be determined to go. He says it's up to Effie for that one.”

“Is Effie a part of it too?” You ask. Finnick shakes his head. “But Haymitch is,” you ask as you try to put the prices together. He nods. “Why do you want me to go into the arena?”

“We are going to need your help to get them out of the arena. I was going to do it but with Annie… I can't risk her getting caught by Snow. I know how to get us out of there.” Finnick says with pleading eyes.

You nod in understanding. “I have people I care about too,” you remind him.

“Don't worry about Wanda. She can handle herself,” he says vaguely. You don't say it, but that confirmed your suspicion that she was part of it. You couldn't believe it. There really was a rebellion. The only question was whether or not you were willing to risk your life for the cause. You look at sweet old Mags, who has already committed to the cause. There was no guarantee she'll survive long enough to see the plan through. She had to have known that. This woman possibly only had a few more good years in her and the fact that was willing to sacrifice that, helped you make your decision.

“I'm in,” you state.

At the reaping you stood tall and confident as you think about the last night you spent with Wanda. It wasn’t an easy arrangement, as many of your clients were hoping for a last visit with you, but she was able to get you to the Capitol a few weeks before the reaping. After that night with Finnick, the two of you trained together everyday leading up to the reaping. The pair of you were already in shape but it had been ten years since Finnick was in the Games. Neither of you has had to fight since your respective times in the arena. He might not be going into the Games but he was going to need to be ready to fight when he officially became a soldier for District 13. Your head nearly spun off your neck when he confirmed that the district was alive and well.

“Y/n Y/l/n,” the escort, Dove, reads solemnly. She had been the district's escort for the past four years, you were her only victor and the two of you had respect for each other. You stood forward, no one was going to volunteer in your place. You knew that.

“Annie Cresta,” despite knowing the plan, it shook you to your core to hear her name being called again. She had already had major setbacks since the announcement. You can't imagine what this is going to do for her. Mags promptly volunteers in her place and the three of you are off to the Capitol to prepare for the Games.

“3… 2… 1!” As soon as the gun goes off, you jump in the water and swim to the center of the arena. You climb onto the platform and grab a trident as fast as you can. But as you do so, Katniss has an arrow pointed at you.

You hold up your wrist to show her the bracelet of golden flames. “It's a good thing we're allies, right?” You state with a smirk. You were reluctant when they brought you the bracelet. You didn't want to go in there without your medallion but when Finnick offered to give it to Wanda, you felt more comfortable going in with the bracelet. You did after all have to gain Katniss's trust.

She scowls at you, not dropping the arrow pointed at your chest. “Where did you get that?”

“Where do you think?” Flash from District 5 comes up behind her. “Duck,” you warn her before throwing your trident at the jerk that used to make crude comments about Wanda. You couldn't do anything about it at the time. But you weren't going to be haunted by this death. You gave Katniss directions to find Peeta and Mags as you pulled your weapon out of the body and tossed him into the water. Looking around the arena, you tried to find the tree that Finnick stressed to you how important it was. It was difficult to know which tree he was talking about because the first part of your task being difficult enough. You swear that Snow might’ve offered extra incentives and put a target on Katniss and Peeta.

Even with the poison fog that took Mags life and the killer monkey’s that nearly killed you and the assets, you didn't regret agreeing to put yourself in this unpredictable hell hole until the jabberjay hour. You followed Katniss when she heard her sister screaming for her to make sure that she never left your sight. The both of you were relieved for a split second seeing that it was only the bird. But the history of the bird caused your heart to drop as soon as you heard Wanda crying out for you. No. How could he know?

“Wanda!” You couldn't stop yourself from calling out to her in fear that she was dumped in the arena or worse.

“Y/n, it's just a jabberjay! It's not real,” Katniss tried to remind you in your panic.

“Jabberjays copy, Katniss!” You shouted back at her as you kept your eyes in the sky. “Where do you think they got that sound?” More birds appeared. More voices calling out to her than for you. For you it started with Wanda then Annie was added as well as Finnick. For an hour, you and Katniss sat together hearing tortured cries of loved ones trying to convince yourselves it wasn't real. Peeta sat desperately on the other side of the forcefield trying to ground Katniss to reality.

When it was over, you sat in the water to comfort yourself. It was something you were used to doing back in District 4. You needed to get out of there. You were done playing these games. You needed to be in Wanda's arms, not in here babysitting.

The plan was difficult to execute when the time came because Katniss and Peeta still didn’t trust you or Johanna. Granted, separating the two so close to the end did seem a little suspicious. But neither of them knew that they needed to have their trackers cut out and there wasn’t a way to tell them. You and Johanna knew what had to be done. You should have been prepared for Peeta to run when heard a cannon go off. Despite trying to convince him that it wasn’t a cannon for Kantinss. Peeta ran away from you before you could cut out his tracker. You looked at Beetee for too long to make the decision to run after the boy because by the time you started chasing him, it was already too late. He was gone. “Shit,” you hissed under your breath.

You kept on searching for him but it was difficult in the dark. It was too close to midnight and if Beetee was able to fry the system on time, you needed to make sure Peeta was untraceable to the Capitol. When you couldn't find him you started to look for Johanna and Katniss in the hopes that he found them. In the time you’ve gotten to know him, it was abundantly clear to you how much he truly loved Katniss. You thought the puppy love was cute until it disrupted the plan.

“Johanna!” You shouted into the jungle but you were met with silence. So you kept running. But the arena was still active and you didn't want to end up stuck in the wrong hour. You needed to be close to the lightning tree. So you made your way back. Hoping that the rest of them were there as the agreement was to meet back at the tree.

They needed to be there.

Instead, you only found Katniss with her bow drawn. This was not going according to plan. Thunder began to warm the arena that the lightning was about to strike the tree they had wrapped with a wire. The fake plan was they were going to use it to electricute the other tributes by putting one end of the wire in the water. So that when the lightning struck the tree, the electricity would run through and kill anyone that was on the beach or hiding in the water. The real plan was that Beetee was supposed to throw a spear into the forcefield that kept everyone trapped in the arena and destroy it. Giving the rebels enough time to rescue the tributes inside.

“Remember who the real enemy is!” You shout as Katniss still holds her aim at you. Haymitch told you to say that to her just in case she tried to kill you. He claimed it would help. You can't tell from the distance but Katniss develops a plan herself as she quickly wraps the wire around her arrow as lightning starts to shine from the thunder clouds. You're about to warn Katniss to get away from the tree when Peeta tackles you from behind.

The lightning struck the tree as she let the arrow fly and you wrestled with Peeta. With a knife you tried to take the tracker out of his arm but the blast caused him to fly backwards. He had hit you pretty hard when you were beneath him. It made you dizzy when you tried to walk and find him. Pieces of the arena came crashing down making it impossible to get to him safely. You had to accept your failure in the mission as you cut out your own tracker. You screamed in agony as you dug out the small piece of technology and crushed it between two rocks. You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw the unmarked hovercraft come in to collect everyone. You made your way closer to where Katniss laid to ensure your rescue.

That’s when a branch broke off and knocked you to the ground.

The actual revolution was slow moving because the face of the rebellion was indisposed. Being traumatized by arena’s one after the other had a major part in why she would scream in the middle of the night. Finding out about her home district being completely obliterated because of her actions, weighed heavy on her shoulders. It didn’t help that Johanna hit her so hard in the head with the coil of wire befe she removed the girl’s tracker. Knowing Johanna she would probably claim it was the only way but you also knew that she found Katniss irritating. Johanna is not one to give up an opportunity when it presents itself. Unfortunately, that gave Katniss the ability to constantly be heavily medicated in order to heal. The medications had side effects. One of them being hallucinations. You knew because you had to deal with it yourself in the first few months after being rescued.

The only bright side of it all was that you had been successful in acquiring both assets. So at night when Katniss would scream her head off and disrupt everyone’s sleep, it was Peeta who was the only person that had been able to get her to stop. He would sneak out of his room and slip into hers. After a few minutes, the only sounds that would be heard throughout the infirmary were the steady beats of the heart monitors. He always snuck back into his room before the hospital staff did their morning rounds.

You were envious of them. Not everyone that needed to make it out did. For the arena, Johanna as well as a few of the other remaining tributes had been taken by the Capitol. You could only imagine what they were doing to her there. Whatever it was, she didn’t deserve it. Outside of the arena, the list of those that couldn’t escape was worse. They captured Wanda.

The way Finnick explained it, someone must have tipped off the Peacekeepers about their plans to escape. A swarm of white armor came after them and Finnick and Haymitch wouldn’t have made it out were it not for her sacrifice. She held the Peacekeepers off of them long enough for them to get out. Neither of the men could confirm whether or not she was still alive. Last you heard, the Capitol spies they still had didn’t have an answer either.

You hoped that they would show her on a broadcast the way they showed Johanna a couple of times. Wanda was a popular interviewer. Not as popular as Caesar Flickerman, but she was popular enough to make a comfortable living. Popular enough that her disappearance wouldn’t go unnoticed. All you could do was hope that they would broadcast her at some point.

As much as you wanted to hate Finnick for losing her in the midst of the escape, you couldn’t. Annie was amongst those captured by the Capitol. He went a little mad when he got the news. He was also in the infirmary because of a failed suicide attempt. You didn’t think his mental state was that bad until you heard his screams, begging the doctors to let him die.

When you finally got well enough to walk around and move out of the infirmary, you still spent a lot of time there. It started with visiting Finnick, tying knots together. He was only allowed a short rope to prevent him from hanging himself with it. He only spoke once to let you know, “I wish they were dead. Annie and Wanda. And I wish we were too.” You couldn’t disagree. Anything was better than the mental torment of not knowing what is happening to them. Of not being able to protect them from the horrors.

Instead of allowing the mental images keep you down and eat you alive, you use it as a motivator. The second you were cleared for training, you worked ten times harder than everyone there. It wasn’t a difficult adjustment because your father had you enrolled in the Hunger Games training academy when you were eight years old. It was intensive training. In fact you found the District 13 military training to be light work comparativly. Which allowed you to excel. While your fellow victors wasted away in the infirmary, you got stronger and better. Because if your Wanda is dead, you weren’t going to let her death be in vain. You were going to make certain that it meant something.

Eventually, you got fed up waiting for Katniss and Peeta to get over themselves and get to work so you started to visit with them when you weren’t training. Which was difficult at first. Every morning there was a strict schedule printed on your forearm. Every minute was accounted for in the day. It wasn’t until you had a chat with Haymitch and Plutarch that you were able to get time allotted for the visitations in exchange for filming propaganda, or propos as Plutarch nicknamed them, and getting the Mockingjay out of the infirmary.

They wanted you to focus on Peeta first. Haymitch said he was the one out of the two that was easier to work with. That he would be more willing to help with the cause. Outside of his low list of injuries, Peeta had it pretty rough. Unlike Katniss, his parents and his brothers didn’t make it out of District 12 in time. Leaving him orphaned. He was wallowing in his grief for longer than you think he should have. The only time he ever got out of bed was when Katniss needed him at that’s it. You were frustrated as you tried to redirect his sorrow into a fire that will burn down the Capitol and all of its corruption. You understood his pain better than most. But he needed to understand why he needed to get to work so that the person responsible for his losses can be held accountable. But it was clear there was something, or more accurately someone, that could snap him into action.

Katniss was also a piece of work in your opinion. The first time you tried to talk to her about attending a strategy meeting, she had you removed from her room. You knew that you couldn’t convince her by treating her like a fish when using a spear. You had to be more patient. You had to think of it as waiting for a fish to get caught on your hook. But patience was difficult when is came to Katniss. She didn’t have the same excuses that Peeta used. She had her sister, her mother, and the boy that was publicly known as her cousin. Unless the rumors of District 12 having an incest problem are true, you don’t believe that he is her cousin with the way you’ve seen him moon over her. There are rumors that she is conflicted between the two and you don’t know why she wastes time fooling herself into thinking she can’t choose between him and Peeta.

You’ve gotten to know Gale a bit in training and because you live in the corridor where unmarried individuals are given living quarters, you have seen him slipping out of girls' rooms most nights. He might have feelings for the girl on fire, but he definitely isn’t waiting around for her to commit to him. You were team Peeta all the way, you liked the baker better than the hunter. He was much kinder. Plus, you and Gale tended to butt heads a lot when you started to visit Katniss because of what you know about him.

One incident in particular secured your low opinion of him. You were visiting Katniss during the lunch hour. You had her tray of food along with yours because you intercepted it from the nurse that was supposed to bring it to her.

“You have to make a choice, Katniss. Him or me?” Gale demanded. The poor girl was pulling on her hair when you pressed the button to open the door. “Do you mind? We’re having a-”

“You’re done here,” you said in a firm tone as you stood tall. Gale’s frown deepened as he continued to glare at you. “It’s not a request, it’s an order.” Gale knew that you outranked him and since he had just been demoted – he prevented Commander Boggs from stopping Katniss from storming out of the first meeting she attended – he knew he couldn’t push his boundaries with you. He didn’t even possess a communicuff anymore.

With a heavy sigh, he glanced at you and then Katniss before he stormed out. You whistled, “That guy is a piece of work.” You set her tray on the table that hovered over her bed when positioned properly. The meals had no flavor but they were nutritious and filling. Designed to keep their citizens, or soldiers as you referred to them, healthy. It wasn’t great but it was still better than what the Capitol ever did for its districts.

“He saved my family,” she muttered as she sat up to eat her meal. You scoffed.

“Katniss, I protected your life the entire time we were in the arena,” you started, “Are you in love with me?” She chewed her food slowly before she silently shook her head. You’re surprised that she actually had to think about it. Teenagers, you thought to yourself as you got situated in your seat to start eating with her. “Hell, I gave Peeta mouth to mouth and saved his life. Has he come in here in the middle of the night and told you that he was confused about me?” You asked and didn’t miss when her cheeks flushed. Even through everything, she still had a purity to her. You’re happy that Snow never got the chance to rob her of that.

“No,” she whispered.

“There you go,” you stated and sat back and reflected for a moment before continuing. “You don’t owe me or anybody else anything, Katniss. I hope you know that.” She stared directly at you for a bit after you said that. It was the first time you really got to see how young she was. You knew she was young but through all of her brave actions and the makeup they caked onto her for interviews, you couldn’t really see it. No one could. That was part of the problem with the Hunger Games and the Capitol lifestyle. “Eat before your slop gets cold,” you pointed at her tray with your spork. “Trust me, you think it’s bad warm. You don’t want to have it cold.”

She moves the food around before taking another bite. “I want to hunt,” it was the first time she expressed something you could use.

“Tell you what,” you said as you finished your food. “You pass your health exams and I will personally arrange a hunting day for you. But I don’t think they will let you keep the game.”

She shrugged, “I don’t mind that. I think it’ll be good to do something.”

“It’s a deal then,” you said while collecting her empty tray. You held your free hand out to her and she shook it. That began the small tradition of the two of you making small deals with each other each day. The both of you always fulfilled your promises to each other. She moved out of the infirmary at the end of the next week and into the living quarters with her mom and sister. In the middle of the week after, you arranged for her and Peeta to visit District 12. To remind them who the real enemy was.

You opted to stay in the hovercraft in the air. Gale did the same, unfortunately. He kept trying to join her but she’d put him in his place. You were proud. Katniss came back from her mansion with, amongst other belongings, an ugly cat that she claimed was the apple of her sister's eye. You encouraged her to make her own demands with President Coin when she asked you if it will be a problem to have Buttercup with them in 13.

Which she did. She included immunity for those captured by the Capitol and you thanked her after the announcement with a visit with Beetee. She had no idea what she did for you with that condition. In the lab, Beetee presented her with a special bow designed for her along with a small selection of special arrows. One type lights with flames and catches its target on fire. Another was explosive. And lastly, there were arrows that were charged with an electric current strong enough to give its victim a heart attack no matter where the arrow pierced them. She only needed the plain ones to hunt.

Your propos were still the only ones being broadcast but they weren’t nearly as inspiring or as exciting as Katniss could be with the right motivation. However, they seemed to cause enough of a stir that after helping Katniss deliver a couple of heavy elks to the kitchen, you finally see Wanda on the screen for the first time in months. She’s alive, was your first thought.

Your heart nearly stopped at the sight. She was skinnier than before. She looked as though she hadn’t slept in weeks. She had on her vibrant red wig and heavy makeup as well as a ridiculous outfit. Something she’d never have as part of her wardrobe. You went from sharing a laugh with Katniss to nearly falling to your knees in front of one of the many screens airing the interview with, “Wanda.” You said in a broken whisper.

Katniss’s eyes stopped mid roll as she realized that the woman on the screen wasn’t just Wanda Maximoff, gossip journalist that once asked her if she was popular with the boys back home. But she was the Wanda. Your Wanda. You shook your head. Hoping that it was just a hallucination. It couldn’t be real. If she was dead that meant she wasn’t being tortured.

“Ms. Maximoff, you had quite the reputation here in the Capitol. Why risk it for something so frivolous?” Caesar asked as the camera cut to him. He looked clean and healthy, with a new dye job. It was infuriating.

“It wasn’t… I wasn’t…” she fiddled with cards in her hands and you braced yourself for the lies she was about to be forced to say. Off camera, Caesar quietly implored Wanda to continue. “I um. My emotions, they were,” tears gathered in her eyes. She was a stubborn and strong willed woman. She hated the person she had to be for entertainment. “Y/n,” she squeaked your name out. “They made me believe that we could be together. If I… If, if we…”

“They deceived you,” Caesar tried to help her get through the script.

Wanda shook her head ever so slightly, no one but you would be able to catch it. “Yes,” her voice was so quiet even the microphones couldn’t catch it. Caesar has her repeat herself. “Yes, I was deceived. Y/n made me believe they loved me even though they, they,” she got stuck, she couldn’t continue with the lie but for her safety, you knew she had to. You willed her to continue. “They would have relations with other people in the Capitol.” You shut your eyes tight, knowing how much she hated what Snow forced you to do.

Caesar hummed and you wanted to smash the screen in. He was one of the worst kinds of clients. He was greedy and had the strangest fetishes and kinks. It made you sick to look at him. “I see, and do you think they tried to con their other lovers into starting a revolution with them?” You scoffed, none of it was your idea in the first place. They were painting a picture as if you came up with the whole thing.

Wanda took a deep breath and sighed through her nose. Then you saw it, she still had your medallion. It was around her neck, slightly hidden by the excessive fabrics on her dress. “I wouldn’t know,” her voice cracked. She cleared her throat and lifted her head. “I don’t think I knew them as well as I thought I did.”

Caesar nodded, “Yes, I think we all feel that way, Wanda. I am so sorry to see you like this. You are a dear friend of mine.” His fake sincere act had you fuming. But all you could do was stand there and watch. Your worst nightmares had come to life. Seeing Wanda in pain and not being able to do a damn thing about it. “I believe you have a message for those in the districts.” Wanda nodded as she flipped through her cards. “For those who are confused by the lies that the rebels are telling. Please, speak about the generosity of the Capitol.”

“I would um, I would like to say.” She cleared her throat again and looked into the camera. The life in her green eyes looked as though it had been sucked out. It pained you to see it. “I know that many of you might see me as a joke. That was my job. I have kept you entertained for years. You’ve brought me into your homes every day for an hour. You know my face. You know my voice. And I need you to hear me when I say,” a lost expression crossed her features for a moment. “When I say,” you shook your head as you recognized the defiance entering her eyes. You wanted her to stick to her cards. To read whatever they had written for her. “Keep on fighting until we are free!”

There was a lot of commotion as they tried to shut the camera’s down and remove Wanda from the room. But she fought against them in an attempt to say more. Unfortunately, before she could, a Peacekeeper hit her with the butt of their rifle and knocked her out cold.

“I have to get her out of there,” you muttered once the screen went black. You stormed out of the mess hall and Katniss followed you to talk you out of doing something stupid. But she wasn’t sure what she could say. She had her people. She didn’t know what it was like to be in your shoes. What it was like to watch the person you loved be badgered into lying about your character. About the love the two of you shared. Only to watch her possibly lose her life for the benefit of the cause.

You weren’t the one to convince them to start a rescue mission for Wanda and the other hostages. It was Katniss and Peeta who stepped up to negotiate terms with President Coin and Commander Boggs. It started with making propos with them. Peeta was phenomenal. Katniss however… She needed a lot more help. At a certain point, Plutarch got fed up and settled for having just you and Peeta. Unfortunately, as much as the messages from you and Peeta might’ve gotten people out of bed in the morning, it wasn’t enough to get them to fight. To remind the people of Panem who the real enemy is. Haymitch was the one who pitched for the show ponies to be taken out into the field. President Coin was opposed to it but the former drunk was able to convince everyone else which allowed Commander Boggs to agree to a mission.

In the outskirts of District 8 where they have an old warehouse is where they brought the three of you. Along with a twom man camera crew and their director, Cressida. Her assistant. Boggs. And much to your dismay, Gale. Katniss was surrounded the entire way inside of the old warehouse. No one saw her until you, Gale, and Boggs moved out of the way. Her and Peeta stood tall together. Gasps filled the building filled with injured unarmed men, women, and children. This was the first official citing of the Mockingjay. Kids ran up to hug her. Severely injured were wheeled up close to get a look at her. You could see that Katniss needed that visit as much as any of the people there. Someone asked about the baby. In the midst of everything, you had forgotten about the claim Peeta made the night before the Quell.

You looked at him as Katniss said she lost the baby. Her voice cracking was convincing. Peeta cast his eyes down with a deep frown and you began to grow curious. Originally, you thought that it was a lie. In fact, you felt like you had to keep reminding her about her “condition” in the arena. But in that moment you questioned how much of their story was an act. Not much time could be spent there as everyone was alerted of hovercrafts appearing. The focus was to get the victors out of there. But you wanted to stay and fight. Katniss and Peeta did as well. Gale was just as ready as anyone. Commander Boggs had lost authority as soon as the hovercrafts became visible with the Capitol emblems painted on them. Katniss finally got to test out her explosive arrows. You and Peeta were in a separate area together, shooting at the aircrafts to try and redirect their attention from the makeshift hospital. Unfortunately, that appeared to be their goal. Not you. Not Peeta. Not even Katniss.

Despite the team's efforts, those lives were lost. Katniss gave a harrowing speech stating, “If we burn, you burn with us!” Plutarch almost crapped his pants when the footage came together for the propo. People were inspired. But Katniss suffered the losses the hardest.

The two of you sat together in silence as she hid in your room from all of the commotion. People had been dropping off gifts at her family’s living quarters. Peeta was moved in with them once he had gotten a clean bill of health since they were technically married. Lie or not. President Coin was not going to allow questions of their credibility. “Was there really a baby?” You asked. Katniss shook her head.

“No,” she stated. “Peeta and I never,” she couldn’t finish the sentence as she blushed redder than Wanda’s wig.

“What about you and grumpy?” You poked fun, it was just too easy to get her flustered. You were met with a glare so you held your hands up in surrender. There was another long stretch of silence before you got curious. “The secret wedding wasn't real either, right?”

Katniss nodded, “All Peeta's ideas.” She cracked a smile as she looked at the wall of cement in front of her. “After, when we were back in the penthouse, he asked if he needed to apologize. I told him no.” You could tell she did care about Peeta a lot. When you had to save Peeta's life, you knew you misjudged her. But you can't help but feel a bit jealous that she has him here and you are without your Wanda. You are certain about your Wanda.

“How's the fake married life treating you?” You asked teasingly to keep a playful energy instead of wallowing in your self pity.

Katniss rolled her eyes and shook her head. She didn’t answer for a long moment. Then she sighed and said, “Not too bad actually.” She didn’t give any details because what she and Peeta do in private she holds sacred. You could understand because you’ve never shared stories about your time with Wanda. Not that anyone would have asked.

The day you finally got reunited with Wanda was a bittersweet moment. She jumped into your arms as soon as she saw you running towards her. You kissed her and wanted to hold her tight but you were careful. She was thin, with cuts and bruises all over her face and body. Her right arm was crooked, like it had been broken and it didn’t heal properly. You didn't want to think about what they did to her but the evidence was all over her. You kissed her as you promised that you’d make all of them pay. She asked you to marry her.

You said yes.

Annie and Finnick were reunited as well. You hadn’t been able to visit with him much when you centered your focus on Katniss and Peeta but he looked healthy and he was steady enough to hold Annie in his arms.

Johanna was amongst those that were rescued. There was no one to run to her. So you, Finnick, Katniss, and Peeta all made a point to welcome her. She flipped everyone off then pressed a button that administered morphine. She closed her eyes and fell asleep, everyone had to awkwardly shuffle out of the room.

Gale was amongst the soldiers that volunteered and were approved to go on the rescue mission. You tried to go but Katniss and Peeta were tasked to keep you busy until the team had already left. You felt betrayed by the both of them but it was nice to have them by your side as you anxiously waited.

With Wanda in District 13, you wanted to ignore your schedule and spend all of your time with her, but you couldn't. You had to keep your status if you were going to go to the Capitol and kill the Peacekeepers that did this to her. You wanted the pleasure of ending Snow's life yourself but it was obvious that there was a plan for the Mockingjay to have the honors.

Wanda had to undergo surgeries to correct and help her injuries heal properly. So it wasn’t like she was waiting for you in her room. While she was in surgery, you were in training. At night, you slept in a cot that Prim snuck into the room for you. She said that she owed you for bringing her sister not only out of the arena but back to herself. You shook her hand and declared that both of you were even.

You were the first to mention to the people in the command room of your engagement and even offered to have the wedding televised on the condition that Annie and Finnick could have a private wedding. They deserved to continue to live in peace. Finnick hadn't made a public appearance since being in District 13 and Annie didn't need to be used as a pawn in these games anymore. Wanda was the one to suggest the wedding. She wanted to show Snow that nothing was going to get you, her, or this revolution down.

The news of the wedding spread like a wildfire. The revolution has been so daunting that the citizens welcomed the chance to celebrate something. People would whisper in your presence and you had to awkwardly nod your way through the cafeteria as you picked up your meals before walking it to the infirmary to have the meal with Wanda.

She blew you away with her strength.

The first time she walked into the cafeteria, a man that was walking to a table dropped his tray off at the nearest one and ran towards her. You stood in front of her to protect her but she moved you and met him halfway. “Pietro!” She shouted with joy. You felt bad as you had forgotten about her twin brother. She'd tell you stories about him whenever the two of you took a stroll together. She told you once that he'd gotten himself in a lot of trouble with the government and the price to bail him out was too high.

Luckily, because of her minor celebrity and her family’s status in the Capitol, she was able to barter to save him from becoming an Avox. Instead, he was forced to serve as a Peacekeeper in District 12. He was ranked pretty high in District 13 on arrival, not only for his experience as a Peacekeeper but because he helped Gale get people out of 12. You couldn't believe that you had been training with him for months and neither of you had said a word about Wanda. It was probably for the best at the end of the day. Neither of you needed to distract one another with the fears and grief.

The three of you found somewhere to sit together and you let the twins get to catch up with each other. They were separated from each other for years. You were planning on spending the rest of your life with her, you were more than happy to third wheel the meal.

On the day of the wedding, Katniss let it slip that Peeta had a surprise cake he’d been working on for you. She was helping you get ready because you'd asked her to be part of the wedding. You would have asked Finnick if he wasn't getting married as well and if he wasn't in hiding. At that point in the revolution, his disappearance was being used as a motivator since Finnick was a loved victor. He was meant to be hidden because he was believed to be dead.

Katniss was confused at first when you asked her to officiate. She had assumed it would be led by Coin or an appointed official. You explained that it was a tradition that the bride and groom picked the person to officiate the wedding in District 4 to give it a more personal touch and she accepted. But she wished it was Peeta you had asked. She hated making public speeches and you knew that. You also knew that she would be able to deliver something inspiring and that she knew you better than Peeta did.

You weren't wrong, she delivered a beautiful speech about the star-crossed lovers of Panem. The victor from District 4 and the woman they loved from the Capitol. She mentioned the bravery the pair of you had exhibited and that others could benefit from following the example. She went on to express the importance of this impossible unity love and encouraged the rest of the country to follow you and Wanda into a brighter future. That although the government had painstakingly painted those in the districts to be nothing more than animalistic slaves and declared that those in the Capitol were more deserving of comfortable or extravagant lives, the two of you saw past that false narrative and fought against the mandated division and saw each other as equals. As partners willing to risk their lives for one another. Something that the people in the districts, in the Capitol, and even those working as government officials or Peacekeepers, can find within themselves to see each other as equals as well and not see each other as an enemy or an abomination. That as a country, the people can come together and stop killing for a man that doesn’t care if his citizens live or die.

Wanda went first in the exchanging of vows, she made everyone in attendance laugh with a couple of jokes about you and the way you charmed your way into her heart. Then she vowed to love and cherish you forever. She vowed to stay committed to only you as long as the both of you shall live. She vowed that she will stand by your side in sickness and in health. Finally, she said, “We came together in a time when we were constantly being kept apart. I am ready to get to know you not as the person you've had to become for others but as the person you are. Give me your bad hair days, your long rants and conspiracies, your burnt waffles, and lost socks. Give me your every day, and I will give you my love to make it all alright. You are my every dream come true, and I can't wait for the reality we get to build together once we are free. You make me laugh, you make me think of a brighter future, and above all, you make me happy. I love you.”

“Wow,” you gasped as you wiped tears from your face. “Tough act to follow,” you stated, which caused laughter through the guests' tears. You told the story of how the two of you met. How she was barely making a name for herself as a reporter and that you were so intrigued by her that you agreed to sell out the victors you didn't get along with to help her career grow. You stated that you couldn't even apologize because it led to this moment. Your vows reflected hers when it came to the basics.

You sighed as you looked down at your shoes for a moment. They were Peeta Mellark's. He insisted on a trip back to District 12 to pick up a suit for you and a dress for Wanda. You tried to talk him out of it, you would have hated for Peeta or Katniss to get caught or killed just so that you looked presentable for the wedding. Katniss convinced you to let them do it. Then she explained that Cinna and her prep team left behind the wedding gown options that they thought might win just in case. Wanda joined them and found one she liked and with Katniss’s help in the woods, they found materials to make enough red paint to splatter across the white fabric. It looked like she'd murdered someone. It made her look deadly. You loved it.

“Wanda,” you looked back up at her. “As someone that did their best to remain alone to protect innocent people, you snuck your way into my heart. I feared for a long time what would come of us if anyone found out that we were more than a prostitute and their buyer. But you weren't afraid. You have taught me that two people joined together with respect, trust, and open communication can be far stronger and happier than each could ever be alone. You are the strength I didn't know I needed and the joy that I didn't know I lacked. Today, I choose to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you more fiercely with every second that slips through our hands.” Even though the two of you had exchanged the term of endearment everyday since her arrival, it was still so refreshing and freeing to finally say the words out loud. “My darling, it's with pride and joy that I take you for my wife. Together, we can weather any storm, no matter the season of our lives. I have found my forever partner. With you in my life, I could never be lonely again. I'm in awe of you, our bond, and our potential. I promise to remain in awe while I cherish you for all the rest of our days.”

The kiss you shared was one of the most magical you'd ever experienced up until that point. The cameras were shut down as you and Wanda made it look as though the two of you left the area. Once the cameras were off, that's when the Odair wedding began. Finnick and Annie asked you to officiate. So you did. You performed the wedding, not as well as Katniss did but your friends were satisfied with it.

Afterwards, the two were excused to celebrate on their own accord while you and Wanda were expected to continue to put on a show for the cameras. Not that you minded, you were happy to be dancing with her in front of everyone instead of in the refrigerator light in the middle of the night. It was the perfect way to show the citizens of Panem that change was upon them.

Within the next week you were being sent to the Capitol because Katniss decided to go a bit rogue and send herself into the battle. Gale was already stationed there along with Commander Boggs after a successful mission with District 2, so she had some allies that weren't quick to turn her in. But someone else was and to save face, Coin organized Squad 451, nicknamed the “Star Squad” as she also sent Peeta and the camera crew with you, even Johanna was being sent in. The squad was meant to be recorded, not meant to get caught in any real battle. You laughed as Johanna flipped off Castor and Pollux every time they pointed the camera at her. If this wasn’t war, you would have gaurenteed that merchandise of Johanna and her middle finger would have been the next big thing in the Capitol.

Katniss was shocked to see you there because of the new marriage but you assured her that this is what Wanda wanted. “She was tortured and nearly gave her life in order to keep this fight going,” you stated as you spun the trident around in your hand to get used to it. “Can't go back until we're free. Those are her orders,” you grinned and leaned forward. “Besides, I kind of promised her a list of heads as souvenirs from this trip,” you winked.

“Better get to work then,” she nodded once before moving away from you to greet Peeta with a hug. She also hit him upside the head which made you chuckle. He apologized for being there but it wasn't up to him. The cameras were around but they weren't focused on them so when they shared a kiss, you couldn't tell if it was for show or for them. But you looked away and your eyes ended up on a somber Gale Hawthorne. He wasn't all bad, he was starting to grow on you as you could tell that he cared the only way he knew how. But he needed to realize that he needed to move on. Then you watched as his gaze began to follow Johanna and you scrunched your features. He couldn't handle her, you knew from experience.

The mission ran long as the group of you were faking a lot of action to get footage while being safe until it no longer could be sustained. Peacekeepers found the Star Squad and led the group into a trap that cost half of the team. Biggs lost his legs because he stepped on a landmine. He transferred over the Holo to Katniss, a device only those in charge of a squad were given. Among many other features, it could project a holographic map and pinpoint the dangers around. Pods were what they were called because they could consist of any number of dangers. Unfortunately, it couldn't update as fast as the military could install them.

The rest of the squad fled into the nearest building but one guy, Second Lieutenant Mitchell, got caught in a deadly net contraption that sliced him into pieces. Twin sisters that went by Leeg 1 and Leeg 2 got left behind because one of them needed medical assistance and the rest of the unit needed to get out of there. Katniss claimed that she was sent there to kill Snow and although most - if not all - of the squad knew it was a lie, the unit backed her up against Lieutenant Jackson who tried to take over as the commanding officer after Boggs died. A call was made on the Leegs behalf to the rebels base and Homes volunteered to stay with them.

When the remaining squad members were safe inside of a home that had been cleared out is when you find out that you were dead. That all of you were dead. A mandatory broadcast showed what you knew were the Leeg sisters and Homes firing at Peacekeepers out of the building you guys had to leave them in. The building was blown up by the Peacekeepers and your face was the first one to appear on the screen along with the sound of a cannon and the music that would play for fallen tributes in the Hunger Games. You’d have clapped at their theatrics if it wasn't inappropriate.

President Snow appeared on the screen as he began to drone on and on about a cease fire. But he is interrupted by President Coin giving an almost convincing eulogy for Katniss. You turned your attention towards her as it went on and she rolled her eyes. The Mockingjay was dead. “Congrats,” you said as you nudged her shoulder. She shook her head which made you laugh as you finished the can of tuna you had raided from the cabinets. It reminded you of home.

From there, more people were lost as the squad tried to move through the Capitol underground in order to get to Snow's mansion. The streets were flooded with pods, it was impossible to move through them and the rooftops were too risky. Underground tunnels were the only solution. Pollux was the one to lead the unit through because he used to work there when he was an Avox. Katniss stood close to him, scanning the area with the Holo for extra precaution.

No one was prepared for the rush of events that took place all at once. Blood thirsty mutts flooded the tunnel system. It cost the life of Homes, Jackson, and Gale. He was the last one to go. Katniss had to drop the Holo on top of him as he was being eaten alive. “Nightlock, nightlock, nightlock,” she said to activate the self-destructive feature of the device. It blew up and the unit still had to run. You were cut up all over because those mutts had sharp nails.

As soon as you guys were out of the tunnels Peacekeepers were waiting and ready. Firing at the squad on sight. Katniss used her explosive arrows while you used the handgun you were given in case you lost your trident, which you did during the mutt fight, while the rest of the squad used their machine guns.

As the unit ran for their lives, deadly light beams shot out at random taking Messalla, Cressida’s assistant. It turned him into dust. At the example of the danger, everyone avoided the light. Once the team crossed over a short barrier, the floor began to disappear as it was being eaten away by spikes. Everyone made it past that into the safer area of what looked like a parking garage.

“I know where we can hide,” Cressida announced as soon as she recognized her surroundings. Everyone followed her to a store and inside a woman that resembled an exotic animal let the team hide in her basement.

Castor and Pollux patched you up to keep you from bleeding out. You had a lot of wounds that required both of them. Katniss sat in a corner with a lost look in her eyes. She'd lost Gale and so many other people because of a lie. So many lives have been lost because of her lies. Peeta sat beside her to try and comfort her. She allowed it until you started to scream because of the crappy job that Castor and Pollux were doing at fixing you up. They were much better filmmakers and soldiers than they were medics.

Katniss got up and came over to help them. “This is all my fault,” she whispered with tears in her eyes as she looked over your irritated wounds. “I'm so sorry,” she looked around the room. Cressida was gathering supplies from Tigris for everyone. Johanna was undressing to assess the damages done to her body. Castor and Pollux were exhausted. Peeta was also injured but he hid his injuries to protect Katniss.

“I lied,�� she said. “Coin, she didn't send me I,” she looked down at you, covered in mostly your own blood. “I came on my own. I thought I could… Gale,” she stared at you, she was lost in grief and guilt. Peeta limped over to her.

“Katniss,” he sighed before he gave a speech about the lives in the arena that had been taken because no one had ownership of their lives. That the lives taken in this war were given by choice. Then he helped her patch you up. You were grateful to be alive after all of that. But this war still needed to end. Snow still had to die.

And he did.

What was left of the Star Squad stormed Snow’s mansion and killed anyone that got in their way. Snow was sitting smugly in his office chair when the unit burst through the doors. Katniss shot an electric arrow through his eye and Johanna chopped his head off for good measure. Castor and Pollux live streamed the entire ordeal.

“People of Panem,” Katniss said to the cameras. “We are free!”

The entire country celebrated as those left in power surrendered.

When things settled down, Coin asked the remaining victors to vote on the possibility of hosting a symbolic Hunger Games after she appointed herself as interim president. No one knew who slipped a nightlock pill in her tea. But no one accused or questioned anyone. Most people assumed it was Katniss and those present for the meeting assumed it was you. Neither of you confirmed nor denied the rumors.

Katniss and Peeta returned to District 12 while her mom and sister stayed in the Capitol to get better acquainted with the vast medical knowledge in order to help train others to make healthcare affordable and accessible across the nation.

After a lot of debate, you and Wanda moved into your house in District 4. Your argument was that you had an entire mansion that you didn’t have to pay anything on and she rented a townhome. She liked her house and her life in the Capitol but none of it mattered at the end of the day. Life there was never going to be the same. So she agreed. District 4 was her home. After the hidden survaliance devices were removed from the mansion, of course.

The two of you got to know each other in ways you never could before. You found out what a slob she could be. Wanda would forget to throw dirty clothing into the hamper. Then she'd wear all of her clothes until she ran out. You would point to the overflowing hamper when When she was done using a dish, it would sit in the sink instead of rinsing it off and putting it in the dishwasher. She was used to having a servant to take care of little things like that. Wanda found out that you were a terrible cook and that you have terrible self care habits. The two of you figured out ways to balance each other out.

At the beginning, you and Wanda spent a lot of time together. Basking in the honeymoon phase as long as possible. But eventually, reality caught up and the both of you realized that there was still so much work to be done in terms of rebuilding the country. As much as you felt that you shouldn’t have to do more, you were still in a better position than most. So, you and Wanda figured out a way to be involved in the process of helping those who needed it most in the New Panem and opened a rehabilitation center in District 4.

It started with a way to employ those who needed work. If you couldn’t find them a job in District 4, you or Wanda would reach out to other districts and help them and their family relocate. After several years, it grew to so much more. Now, it’s became a center that helps those with addictions, therapy to process trauma, a safe haven for those sold into marriages that they didn’t want to be in anymore, a space for those who struggled with life before and after the war. Even though you could have easily decided to coast by in life with the money you still receive and will continue to receive from winning the Hunger Games, it didn’t feel right when so many people that barely had anything to begin with, were left with absolutely nothing.

Her brother, Pietro, decided to stay in District 12. In his time before the war, Pietro met a woman that he fell deeply in love with. Much like you and Wanda, they couldn’t be together in the way that they wanted because it could have gotten them killed. She had broken things off with Pietro just before the bombing to protect him because one of the other Peacekeepers had threatened to expose them if she hadn’t. It wasn’t until well after the war was over that she was able to find and recconnect with Pietro.

“You Maximoffs are suckers for us simple district folk,” you joked quietly to Wanda while the two of you sat in the audience of his wedding. It was held in District 12 with the local traditions of the district.

“Shut up,” she said as she hid her amusement and carefully dabbed her tears away with your handkerchief. She was so touched by the ceremony. She still couldn’t believe that any of it was possible. She looked at you as she reminisced about the day the two of you made history by getting married. You put your arm around her shoulder and she snuggled against you as the ceremony continued.

While the two of you danced at the reception a little girl crashed into your legs. “Uh oh,” you said softly as you helped her up. She was afraid at first but then she smiled as she apologized. “I’m Y/n, and your name is?” You asked politely.

“Willow,” she responded quietly and you grinned as you recognized her from the photos you have of her. Katniss sent them to you because up until now, you hadn’t been able to make a trip out to District 12. Not since a couple weeks after she was born.

“Well, Willow, I happen to be a good friend of your Mommy and Daddy. I haven’t seen you since you were a baby,” you said as you offered her your hand. “Let’s go find them, shall we?” Willow nodded as she took your hand. Wanda watched with a deep sadness as you interacted so happily with the little girl. It was hard enough to see you around Finnick and Annie’s children. When you returned to her, she knew what you were going to ask of her and she couldn’t give that to you. She knows that she should have told you years ago, but she hoped that there would be an advanced treatment that could reverse the damage. She developed a relationship with Primrose Everdeen because she was the one who had to give Wanda the news in District 13.

Fortunately for Wanda, you didn’t bring up the subject until the two of you were alone in the hotel room. “Willow is a cute kid, isn’t she?” You asked as you climbed into bed next to Wanda. Your wife hummed as she went over the files she brought with her. “River and Marina are pretty cool too,” you put your hand on her abdomen and she took a deep breath as she braced herself.

“I think we should have kids.”

“I can’t have kids.” The two of you talk at the same time.

“What?” You remove your hand as you sit up. Shocked by the reveal.

Wanda swallowed the lump forming in her throat and she set the file on the bedside table. “I was pregnant when the Peacekeepers took me. I uh… They um,” she couldn’t stop the tears from falling as her heart broke again from reliving the horrible memories. You didn’t let her finish, you just held her tightly as your heart broke from the news as well. You had no idea that this was something she went through. Amongst the list of horrible things that happened to her when she was captured, this wasn’t something you anticipated. “I’m sorry,” she eventually said.

“It’s not your fault,” you kissed her on the forehead and decided then that you didn’t need kids. Wanda was all you would ever need.

That rang true. As the years went on, you and Wanda were there for nephews and nieces. The work the two of you built together was very time consuming, it left room for very little and the two of you were more than willing to make that sacrifice. Together, you might not have been able to bring a life into the world but you managed to change so many lives that it didn’t matter. The two of you lived happily together until the day you died of old age in each others arms. A gift that was once a rarity in the country of Panem. The life that you and Wanda led together wouldn’t have happened had there not been the hope of a free world. Though significant sacrifices were made, you wouldn’t have changed a single thing.

Or would you have?

The Mentor

Taglist: @princessprudy @sayah13 @agaymilflover @awkwardmandalorian @bentleywolf29 @thatshyboy1998 @artisannat @thisischaismagic @wqndanat @madamevirgo @likefirenrain @tearsofglitter @feltlikethat @the-writer-arcane @natashasilverfox @karsonromanoff @aloneodi @lovelyy-moonlight @red1culous @jovialsublimecomputer @natasha-maximoff @iliketozoneout @doudouneverte @druggedduck @notbornbutforged @when-wolves-howl @lifespectator @justyourwritter69 @wandaromamoff69 @awesomelygayasf @nekoannie-chan @diaryoflife @wuwu96 @wandanats-goodgirl @sincerely-indi @blueredg52 @sisiofthemultifandom @fuzzyuniversityeclipsefriend @arcturusseer @scarlettwidow34 @chasethemoon @raven-ss @canyonyodeler @sokovianbaby @alexawynters @bittysworld @hopeless-romantic17177 @spongebobtentacles @the-ox-fan20

#wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff imagine #the hunger games #wanda maximoff au #the hunger games au #wanda x y/n #wanda x reader #wanda x you #wanda maximoff x y/n #wanda maximoff x gender neutral reader #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff x reader #messedupfan

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wildpeachfarm · 2 days

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I met up with a friend of mine today for some Coffee and cake. I told her about the gogcident, the whole timeline, all streams, all 'proof' and what other CCs said. Also what happened afterwards and how it is right now.

That friend of mine has zero connections to the community and only on about Dream Team from me and only know they play minecraft. Said friend has also been a victim of SA ever since she was a young teen and goes to therapy and has been healing for years while also having been a victim over and over again.

She agreed with what most people here on your block said but added some more stuff. Basically said that many if not all people accidentally overstep boundaries. Rather we like it or not, everyone has overstepped someones else's boundary at some point in our lives. And it's the job of the other person to tell us when we do so. We can't know about boundaries when we don't get educated on them by the affected person. Especially not when hookup culture is a thing with lots of non verbal consent while also being drunk.

She also said the thing that made the situation and shows that George is not an assaulter is that, when Caiti eventually did show her boundaries at the elevator, he stepped back and let her. He didn't try to convince her, didn't keep flirting and let her move away without a fuss. Which is something an assaulter, specially when they habe already gone through cuddling and flirting all evening, simply wouldn't do.

And especially the last part is where I mostly stand as well. The way he acted at the elevator is what was most important and that was him accepting Caiti backing off from his flirting and leaving for his room alone

Yes I definitely agree and it was something I brought up on twitter but maybe not here recently: party culture is THIS unfortunately. It's well-meaning people people mistaking advancements and fumbling through awkward social interactions on the cusp of intimacy. Unfortunately if you don't verbalize your boundaries, there is no way for anyone to know otherwise especially in a situation like this with positive nonverbal cues. And that's typically why people get a bit of grace during this stuff if there was no verbalization of boundaries being crossed.

And you're right, the fact that he left her at the elevator when she verbalized her disinterest and even said in his response "i left after the obvious sign of 'no'" means that he had no ill intent or planned on taking advantage of her, or is an assaulter. It just seems that the stuff before was muddled in signals and drunkenness that it created that faux pas for him in the room.

Those are things that it seemed like people at first didn't want to give him understanding for, and I have to wonder how many of those people had ever been to a bar or a house party where someone just mistakes the signals and its awkward at best, not necessarily assault.

#anon #ask #anti drummyache tag

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funtheysaid · 3 days

Text

IWTV 2x02 Initial Thoughts (Stream Of Consciousness)

- ooh the title card changed! I’ve been wanting to see the Eiffel Tower as a “fang” since season two was announced. WE IN PARIS BABY!

- ayooo three-way (interview) incoming

- Daniel’s “Paris sucks” aka “Paris is where my ex-bf is from and he sucks (dick), but not mine anymore, and no, I’m not bitter abt that, his city just fucking stinks (literally)”

- not two minutes in and Devil’s Minion is already flirting bickering

- ALICE MENTION alice!armand truthers are gon love that shit i just know

- “I’ll tell you what a woman is” That’s my sapphic-coded queen!!! 🕯️ pls S2 give me claudeleine 🕯️

- “Gauche” well, yes.

- Loumand: 🥰🥰 Daniel: 🙄 he‘s so second-hand embarrassed for them I can’t

- I mean, it’s crazy. What? We finish each other’s- I WAS WITH HIM FOR LONGER THAN LESTAT WAS WITH HIM WRITE THAT DOWN WRITE THAT DOWN DANIEL PUT IT ON RECORD WEVE BEEN FUCKING FOR LIKE DOUBLE THE TIME …that’s what i…was….gonna say?

- Louis would be that faux-intellectual hipster who has his own darkroom full of overexposed and blurry, unfocused photos that are his “art” bc he took them on film (affectionate)

- Not claudia calling him out on it in the next scene “let me think I’m deeper than I am” okay honey you do you

- “She’s miserable but she doesn’t want to fuck with your too delusional left bank dilettante vibes” ahh the narrative foils are foiling, I see

- The show: Alice was pregnant, My dumb ass: OMEGAVERSE DEVILS MINION !?!?

- “joyfully joyless” MOOD.

- Claudia looking at Madeleine like “I don’t know if I want to be her or be with her” Dw babe it’s a rite of passage for all of us you’ll figure it out

- “Your French is ugly” 🥹👉👈 weally?

- “the dress for my body” LOOK I know what she meant, but I can’t help it that my mind is perverted

- LMFAO NOT GLORYHOLE PARK

- okay why Loumand playing with my heart “I will never harm you. And I never have” wtf wtf wtf

-Oh no the ole business card trick! we all know that’s Louis’ kryptonite he loves a man with credentials

- i like girls, but why is santiago kinda…

- Woah the Annika scene was really hard to watch which I think was the point but goddamn idk if I’ll be able to rewatch that part

- Estelle is my self-insert. I’m claiming her.

- “You both fucked Lestat!?!” HOW DID THEY KNOW WE WANTED HIM TO SAY THAT!?

- “He tasted of vermouth and annihilation” We both know you have no earthly idea what that man tastes like, Armand. Be so fucking fr right now.

- Did Armand just casually drop that he had a threesome with a father and son? I’m sorry, sir????

- “Now I know what two blood fat cocks slapping hands feel like” When I tell you my spirit left my body

- oh shit here we go. I’m a caged animal and it’s time for my weekly enrichment. give me my loustat.

- there’s a letter !?!? Wait wait I wasn’t ready for something like this wait stop stop please

- “all my love belongs to you. you are its keeper” just take me out back and shoot me at this point

- “it is a thin veil” fucking fuck why was that so romantic??

- the blood tears welling up in Lestat’s eyes I’m-

- “Rebound of my life” and in that moment, he spoke for the people

- WHAT IS HAPPENING???? Jesus Christ, they were talking about Alice and then it cuts to FUCKING ARMAND!?! This is not a drill. Everyone to your stations, this is not a drill.

- “You sold your Dad’s playboy magazines at recess” Hmmm? You’re telling me a “straight” teenage boy sold porno mags instead of keeping them for himself??? Yeah, I call gay on that one

- “she wanted to say yes” you motherfuckers.

- Oh shit Louis is pissy tonight rawr kitty got claws

- Devils minion girlies are thriving, skin glowing, hair silky, breath minty, pillow cold, stomach full, dreams sweet, and by Jove, we fucking deserve it !!!!

- daniel’s shaky “um- gulp” …….guys this is gonna sound crazy but i think there might actually be a god

- ooh the camera/photography being like a divide or barrier between Louis and his present situation. Like he wants to capture the moments, but only as if an onlooker and not a participant… interesting!

- “Who?” will never not be funny

- “Mon ami” in the same episode as “Mon Cher” FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW

- “Armand for you” nah nah nah i changed my mind, you can do like Leatherface and shove that chainsaw in rough and hard

- Close up on Louis’ conflicted face, fire blazing behind him…. That’s not foreboding in any way. I’m sure they’ll all live happily ever after from now on :D

What a ride! Until next week! 🧛‍♂️🩸

#interview with the vampire #amc iwtv #iwtv season 2 #iwtv 2x02 #iwtv thoughts #iwtv musings #loustat #devils minion #claudeleine #iwtv spoilers #iwtv s2 #lestat de lioncourt #louis de pointe du lac #iwtv armand

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amerricanartwork · 9 hours

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Hi! I just wondered if you've played Hollow Knight based off how much you like Rain World. I'd be interested in any thoughts you had on it. :)

Thanks for the ask! No, I have not yet played Hollow Knight, BUT my interest in the game has been piqued! However I still have to see if the gameplay itself seems up my alley, or get invested enough in the characters that I want to discover more than I've already found out (and I have spoiled quite a lot for myself) before I actually decide to buy the game.

Regardless, from what I do know it does seem like an interesting story, albeit one far more tragic than Rain World's in my opinion. The characters I've seen are also pretty cool, both in design and personality. In fact, it was some ship fanart I found a few weeks ago that got me interested in diving deeper into the game once I realized it was where the featured characters were from, especially since one of the characters I had remembered hearing about before.

Here's a little sketch of some characters I was thinking about and whom I've been meaning to draw for a bit! Hornet because she's very Shaped™, Quirrel because from what I've seen he's quite wholesome, and Tiso because he was the first character I heard about and I think he's kinda silly!

Also, some more comparing/contrasting thoughts about the game below:

Firstly, I like how the premise of Kollow Knight involves anthropomorphic insects! It's something I never realized until recently despite being aware of HK for at least a few years, but I usually tend to take interest in stories starring non-humanoid creatures, so it's a plus! I also enjoy the more gothic/Victorian-looking magical high fantasy aesthetic, though it's pretty different from Rain World, which I'd consider far more sci-fi and specbio-esque in its aesthetic.

Now to get into themes, so far Hollow Knight seems to share Rain World's theme of lost/dead civilizations, which is also a very interesting premise to me! However, HK seems to have a greater focus on interacting with the people of its dying civilization and as such you get far more definitive knowledge about what happened to cause it to collapse. The player character seems to take on more of a classic epic hero role, because from what I've heard about the lore and endings, they end up directly influencing the fate of Hallownest, even potentially destroying or defeating the force that caused its ruin. The visuals have this very dark, cool tint overall to sell that gloomy, mournful vibe, and the structures, while presumably old, are still mostly smooth, ornate, and not super deteriorated, with these castle or manor-like appearances more similar to real-life buildings or things in other high fantasy works. Then, the orchestral music I've heard alongside all of these elements really creates this impression in me that it's aesthetic and overall concept is more akin to a high fantasy epic tale, albeit a rather tragic one.

Meanwhile, Rain World seem to have the player take more of an anthropologist role, observing and trying to piece together the story of vast remnants of its dead civilization, which seem alien and impossibly complex because so much of the history they're from has been lost to time. One of the core themes is being very small compared to these long abandoned structures, to really sell the idea that this history is so much older and more intricate than you'll ever know. The colors of Rain World are often warmer, which can be associated with old things, and the structures are far more weathered and broken down, with the only living survivors of the people who made them being the iterators, whom we only get to hear directly from two of. Combined with the focus on simulating an ecosystem, the more directly religious ideas within, the themes of natural cycles and an entire civilization evolving, changing, and ultimately disappearing over deep time, and the overall alien, sci-fi industrial designs of the architexture and strange creature designs that look like things out of "Of Rust and Humus" or some other alien speculative biology worldbuilding project make RW fit well in with that genre of fiction in my opinion.

Sorry if I seem like I kinda took a sudden shift there, but I wanted to talk about this contrast in artistic aesthetics and story genres for a moment because the "lasting impression" an art piece creates something I've recently concluded is pretty important overall in works of art, at least for mine!

But anyway, I hope these thoughts were satisfying for now! Thanks again for the ask!

#ask #inbox #art #artwork #drawing #sketch #digital #digital art #fanart #hollow knight #quirrel #hk quirrel #hornet #hk hornet #tiso #hk tiso #quetzalli draws #quetzalli answers

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polyamorousmood · 2 days

Note

Hey there :)

So I have no problem with my bf dating other people, and recently hes started having sth with someone else. Good for them! Legit, no problem with that by itself

But.. now I'm being left on read a lot, like majority of the time it feels like, no matter the topic or time. I just feel.. forgotten, I think, or replaced idk. But it feels pretty bad.

I dont want them to think I'm jealous or mad, I just wish he would still show me the same attention/care as before. Ive talked about how left on read makes me very insecure, due to fake friends and person past experiences before so I dont want to bring it up again.. but it hurts. Idk what to do?

Bad news, babe. You're gonna have to say something again. The good news though is that you can productively procrastinate it, because there's some stuff I want you to do first.

But before I get into that, I let having a cool opening distract me from very important other things that need said: That sucks, and I'm really sorry, but you can make it through this.

Now then. Time to productively procrastinate a difficult conversation. Look, I'm procrastinating it more by making it a read more! (It, um, it is A Lot. I took "blogging platform" literally on this one😅)

It sucks. Believe me, it bothers me too when I can't hear from my partner📵📴 because they're with my meta. It has been A Problem I've had to work through, so I think I'm actually pretty qualified to give advice on this.

Some of what I have to say is going to smart (old-timey word for sting) a bit, so I want to make it clear that I understand where you're coming from, so you can trust the part that stings is necessary. I imagine its something like this:

You relationship with your boyfriend is great! So great, you're happy for him to have someone else to love! That's. That's so rare and incredible, its a love beyond what most will know. And then he takes that love and wads it up and throws it in the back seat to make room for this new schmuck. The love is still there, it's just... in the back seat. And you never thought that would happen, because the relationship is so good! And you already said something, so you worry you're being a nag, which you don't want, because you ARE happy for them, you're so happy for them... except when you're not because you can't be happy when he can't be bothered to text you back. Its not really so much to ask, and you EXPLAINED why its important to you, so why doesn't he seem to care? You communicated, you did your part, and it was hard and scary! Surely harder than texting you back would be! And you don't want to feel like this, but. There's this anxiety that... shouldn't he want to text you back? Isn't that how he would act if he really did still care about you just as much?

Any of that resonate? I don't know you, so maybe some of it was way off base🎯, I don't know. But I hope enough of it was close enough to right that you know I get it when I say:

This isn't just your boyfriend fucking it up. This is, in part, probably you asking something unreasonable. To give you the exact same level of time an energy as when it was just you too is a big ask. To be able to supercede his time with the other person any time you want is a big ask. If you're only okay with your boyfriend having someone else if it doesn't cut into your time at all, how okay with it are you actually?

So before you talk to him about it, you gotta step back. Its not that you're wrong for feeling sidelined. But a poly relationship just isn't going to be the exact same as a monogamous one. It it were, I wouldn't have bothered making a blog, and I wouldn't have needed to because I wouldn't have a trail of loving, wonderful, burnt to ashes monogamous relationships behind me. Let's take a deep breath together. Pause here if you need.

Now, there are some questions here that do affect what I think would be fair. For example, if you're living with your boyfriend, and he's taking you for granted, always texting the other person when he's with you, you don't have any special time with him anymore, and then when he goes out its radio silence. That's a very different situation from you being in a long distance relationship so texting is your main form of communication/bonding and now he's got a new person that lives near him so he's with them constantly and now, what are you, chopped liver? for example. I'm going to give a list of things you might be doing that's unfair, and I want you to take a minute and evaluate as honestly as you can where you fall on that. This is a self-reflection, not an accusation, so please resist any temptations to get defensive (if you even feel them). I recommend taking out a pad of paper and committing to an answer for each. Some you may not be doing at all! Some okay maybe a little. And some now that you think about it, yeah actually, you're doing a lot. That's okay. You not handling it perfectly is okay, and doesn't mean we can't ask the boyfriend for accommodations still.

Are you valuing 1:1 time with your boyfriend as much as you're valuing (negatively) the time he spends 1:1 (not texting you) with his partner? IE, are you more bothered by him not texting you than you are appreciative when he takes time for you?

Are you texting him compulsively out of anxiety instead of because you have something more important to discuss?

Are you accidentally infringing on his other partner's time?

Are you trying to infringe on his other partner's time to reassure yourself that you're important to him?

Are you texting him to "test" him?

When you communicated that you didn't like being left on read, did you properly convey how big of a problem it is for you and what your expectations were?

When you communicated, did you allow space for negotiation and to work on the problem, or was it more like a list of demands?

Are you misplacing your feelings somehow? Is there something else that's bothering you that you don't feel comfortable bringing up?

Are you letting your anxieties run you? Is there something you could be doing to address your feelings?

Are you forgetting to weigh other allocations or shows of love he's making or you?

Is there anything else internally you might be overlooking in regards to this?

Whew! Heavy stuff. But you made it!🎉 Now, we'll dig into how his actions are making you feel. That last set was about what you could be doing better, and this one will help determine he could be doing better. But just like we weren't making accusations about you, we aren't making accusations about him either. We are assuming good faith on your boyfriend's part. This is still ultimately about your feelings and what reasonable accommodations could be made for them.

Do you feel the time allocation for you vs his other partner is fair? Why?

Does he seem to text them back more than you?

Does it seem like he's not taking your concerns seriously enough?

Does this issue look like a larger pattern? If so, what? How will that look long-term?

Has he made specific promises he hasn't kept to you in regards to this? If so, what were they and how hasn't he lived up to them?

Do you feel he's made adequate time for you to discuss concerns, or do you feel like he tries to rush through them?

Do you think he gave you a reasonably clear expectation of what him dating someone else would look like (or did he make it seem "nothing will change")?

Has he not responded to something critical?

Is there anything else he's done in regards to this that doesn't sit right with you?

You did it! 🎉Now we can officially start working on problem-solving. I imagine that was a lot more than you bargained for, for such a simple problem as "I want a text back," but its important to get everything laid out. This helps in a lot of ways. It helps guard against striking on a "solution" that isn't actually sustainable. It makes sure you're starting a discussion in good faith. And hopefully, it will help minimize having to return to the issue.

For the sake of formatting, we're going to address the questions for you first, then the questions about him, then how to have the hard conversation, then workarounds that you may not have considered that aren't really your or his problem. I actually think that third group has some of the better "quick fixes", if you can find one that works.

Starting with the questions about what you could be doing better, in order, skip any that don't apply:

Re: valuing 1:1 time -- Make active efforts to appreciate the time you do have more. Use this time as a guard against negative thoughts when he is unable to respond ("We spent all day together yesterday, a few hours today without hearing from him is fine")

Re: texting compulsively -- Be more vigilant about self-soothing. I find self-talk to be most effective for me. I cannot possibly cover everything here, but it sounds like it stirs up fears you're losing your partner. Since you cannot guarantee that will never happen, I find it most helpful to reassure myself I will be okay even if I do lose them. Another option is to make a reassurance bank, where you can store and see evidence of his affection without asking it from him. Your mileage may vary. If you really struggle with this, there's always therapy.

Re: accidental infringing -- Be more mindful of what you send. Save things that are non-urgent to discuss later, when you have his attention anyway.

Re: deliberate infringing -- Stop it. It will only strain things and make the outcomes you don't want more likely. See self-soothing. Find something else to distract you that you can put energy into.

Re: "testing" him -- See above. I know, its easier said than done. Do the hard work. That shit can ruin your life.

Re: didn't adequately express importance -- Well, its a good thing we're about to talk about it anyway! Really think through how you can explain how badly it makes you feel. We'll get into that more when we discuss How To Have the Conversation

Re: list of demands -- Well, its a good thing we're going to talk about it anyway! This time, see it as a negotiation. Ask him if that's feasible, or if its too much. But open to trying alternate solutions.

Re: misplaced feelings -- Take the advice on How To Have a Conversation and apply it to the thing that's actually the problem.

Re: managing anxieties -- Again, you'll have to find a way to self-soothe somewhat. That's not to say your partner shouldn't meet you halfway, but you do have to do your half.

Re: forgetting other expressions of love -- Literally make a list of all the things he's done/is doing for you. As many as you can think of. Add to it often. Pick a couple and do a deep dive on why that mattered so much to you and how you felt. Tell him, too. You gotta be grateful consciously, bro. This applies to all of life

Re: anything else -- Take that into account. Work on that, too, however you can. Be honest with him about your shortcomings when you address it.

A lot of these will require upkeep on your part (kind of mirrors🪞how texting you back consistently requires upkeep on his, huh?). Be prepared to discuss the changing you're going to make and have an actionable plan for them. Okay, his turn, same as before:

Re: fair time allocation -- does he need to make more time for you? Do he need to make protected time that is only for you? You said you feel forgotten, replaced, so maybe this is part of it.

Re: unequal texting -- first, consider why. If he lives with you, he's probably going to have to text the other person in front of you sometimes. If you still think its too much, again, protected time for you may be appropriate, he may need to do a better job keeping his New Relationship Energy (NRE) in check. Be prepared to discuss this, possibly including him defending himself!

Re: not taking concerns seriously -- Well, its a good thing we're discussing this again! Make sure you have an actionable, measurable metric he can do to show you progress here. (IE ❌"I need you to care more" ❌ but ✅"When you're unable to respond, I need you to say that you're busy so I know you thought of my needs" ✅)

Re: bigger patterns -- You will have to tell him you're concerned about those too. If it could become untenable for you, this will probably be a recurring discussion. Consider scheduling check-ins where you say one thing you think is going well and one thing you're worried about, for example.

Re: unkept promises -- here, you are super justified in being mad. Try not to be anyway. Try to be curious and interested in addressing the root problem. Ask him what got in his way, what middle ground he's confident he can manage. It is you and him vs the problem, even here, not you vs him.

Re: inadequate room to discuss -- Set expectations before the talk, and remind him of them if he forgets. (IE "I know this isn't nice to hear, but I need you to let me say my piece and talk through solutions, even if it takes awhile." and "I said I needed to talk through the solution. This sounds nice, but I'm concerned about X. How can we make sure that doesn't happen?") Consider reserving specific time to discuss it, consider reserving recurring time to discuss any problem, if you need it.

Re: didn't set expectations appropriately -- ask. Ask what this would ideally look like to him. If he's having trouble getting started, point out some differences you've already noticed, and ask if he thinks those are the new norm.

Re: didn't respond to something critical -- Establish a way he can see what is critical and what isn't. This might be texting something that can wait, but calling for something important, for example.

Re: anything else -- address that too. Give him a chance to explain himself. etc.

Okay, you've done everything up to this point alone. You're prepped. Now How Do You Have The Conversation?

For this type of stuff, I recommend the WIBS format. That is, "When [something happens], I feel [feelings] Because [explanation] So could you please [change]". But of course, it can't be that simple either. Critically you CANNOT say "you" before the "so could you please". The example I'm about to give is going to use the texting issue specifically, but if you've done the soul searching and found there's a bigger problem you want to address (which ngl, sounds like there might be something bigger based on what you sent), adjust accordingly! This is good general advice for any tough conversation. Anyway, here's what that might look like on the texting thing:

"When I am left on read, I feel anxious and betrayed, because I've had a lot of friendships completely fall apart, and that's always how it started. So could you please make a point to text me something when you read my message, even if its just 'lol' or you saying you want to discuss it later."

But wait a minute! That doesn't include any of the bullshit I just made you do. What the hell am I trying to pull? Okay okay, so we have to modify this a bit. Our new format is going to be something more like this: "When [something happens], I feel [feelings and impact], because [explanation]. I have tried [things you've tried], and I am still struggling because [reason why that hasn't helped, including what you could do better]. So I was hoping to look at some more solutions, like, would you be willing to try [change]." Which might in practice look something like

"When I am left on read, I feel so anxious and betrayed I start spiraling thinking the relationship is doomed, because I've had a lot of friendships completely fall apart, and that's always how it started. I have tried dropping some hints and self soothing, and I'm still struggling because this is a really bad anxiety that I didn't have to deal with before recently and even with the hints I'm not getting the response rate I would like. So I wanted to talk about it and see if you'd be willing to try making a point to text me something when you read my message, even if its just 'lol' or you saying you want to discuss it later."

And then! The discussion continues. Maybe he says "oh my god, yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you that much, absolutely I can do that" and maybe he says "I'm with you all the time how is this still a problem?" or maybe its "actually, [other partner] gets really anxious when I text, which is why I don't respond unless its important. I figured I could talk to you about dinner plans any time" and whatever the case is, you keep talking until you've set on clear goalposts and have reassurance they feel okay to all parties. So in order, your responses might be something like "are you sure you can manage that? I was really worried by my hints not being picked up on that that was the reason", "I know its a problem. That's why I'm talking to you about it. If that's not a good solution to you, let's come up with something else, because the way things are is really hard on me," and "okay. I don't want to make [other partner] anxious either, but this isn't working for me, can we find something else to try?"

Allow him to explain, be prepared to explain more yourself, and be willing to try a variety of solutions. Acknowledge

Is this my longest post yet? Maybe! Wild. Let's top it off with something easier: The Hack Solutions🧑‍💻. Sometimes, anxiety isn't logical, and goofy workarounds can be super helpful! Here are some off the top of my head, but feel free to get creative, too! Not all of these may be feasible, not all of them may help. But a lot less work than some other solutions so worth mentioning!

You said being "left on read" is what bothers you. Can you just... turn off read receipts? Or switch to a messaging app that doesn't have them? Can he just not read your texts until he has the time to respond?

A lot of phones have a driving mode, that will send an automated reply to texts. Can he turn that on when he's with his other partner so you get a reply like "hey I'm busy rn, but I'll text back later!" and would that help?

If you just want to feel more involved, maybe it would help if he just like, took a picture of his pizza to send to you. Reminds you you're thought of, doesn't require conversation.

Something that I've done with friends is write like, a dozen short affirmations/reassurances, and have them keep them in a special spot. When they need to feel loved, they can take one out to read. This has worked PHENOMENALLY for them, and still protects your partner's time away while allowing you to get love direct from your partner WHENEVER you want.

Can he just kick it with you both concurrently?

Can you have a friendship with your meta where you text THEM like "tell [bf] to text me back real quick" and then your bf doesn't feel bad about texting in front of the other partner because they're telling him to do it?

Classically condition yourself. Like, every time he leaves you on read, eat a chocolate. And then sometimes instead of it being "boyfriend won't text me :(((" it'll be "oooo! candy time!"

ai yai yai! That's all I have, though! Come back if you need help working through some specifics. I'm very happy to help however I can. Its not your fault you're struggling with this. Most polyam relationships have to deal with this to some extent, but with a little effort, you can make it through. Best of luck to you, friend. 💙💖🖤

#poly relationship advice #ask box is always open #long post #polyamory #jealousy

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