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pathfinderswiftpen · 25 days

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It's 0313, I'm in bed listening to Sharpe's Battle and see a bright flash in the window, and I know it has to be lightning because I do not live in a conflict zone. Yet the thunder crackles and rolls, and I my position is under attack and where is my weapon? My sword bayonet? Where's the officer of the watch - we must beat to quarters!

#*facepalm*#journal posting #sharpe posting #Sharpe's Rifles

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sheisadykewomon · 17 days

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the things I find most difficult to describe about the time when I identified myself as queer, trans, transmasculine, nonbinary, trans man, because I moved between all of them... is that the most strangest part of all was how my mind changed... and as my body changed from the introduction of high levels of testosterone, it was like seeing how my changed mind manifested in the mirror... and each time I noticed a change, it gave me this little shiver, of some kind of feeling I could never identify... and I didn't want to. I didn't want to know what changes were happening to my mind. I looked away internally. It was a sort of giving-up of the self to some higher force, that's what it felt like. In hindsight I think I was giving up to what they call "God", the name they give to the combined male power authorities. And it felt like relief. it was beautiful and terrible.

I remember the way I cried to myself when I first named myself trans. They were tears like a person who has just admitted to a crime they know they did not commit. That's what it was like. There was a little god that got into my head after I was raped and my whole life was embarrassed. burning shame all over. And changing my name, going on the drugs was a rebirth that would save me from the filth my life had become. I mean, my life was really okay. It just felt like internally, my interior, was soiled beyond saving. They made it sound so easy to start over. and why not make myself in an image I knew was safe and pure, Christ-like? those images were waiting very quietly, deposited in the very back corners of my mind. Can you admit now the woman is filthy? Can you admit now she will never be clean? no female image was safe anymore. all were violable. female is violable. Male is inviolable. So, that was the place to start to remake myself. I made like my life before was a dream. Now I was someone new.

so when I took on the identity of trans, queer, what have you... it was so much a mind-body-spirit thing. It was submission, totally. There was no one who would tell me my body was primary. my interior experience could be salvaged. and that was what I sought most desperately. salvation. A word over which the male-god-monster has a monopoly. There was no narrative available to me which would say, in clear terms, that I had power available within me to save myself. And it has been a long slog to recognize this and bring myself into new life. real life. real living.

the male does not own all power... the male does not own salvation. I, that sound, aye, the letter, I, it means female, it designates my powerful female human form, it means my power, it is my narrative I write for myself, I recover myself. I uncover myself. Mind-body-spirit.

#writing #detrans #journal posting

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cowboyera · 2 months

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2/17/2024

so, I wonder if any among you have been noticing that i have been more active on here lately. While part of that is intentional, i think most of it is related to the fact that I am giving up Instagram for Lent. Am i catholic? no. am i Christian? maybe, I'm not sure. not really. still, I am giving up Instagram for Lent, which sounds enormously silly to say. I think this will be good for me, and in fact it already has been good for me. I am the kind of person who can't handle shortform content when it is constantly available to them, and I would like if i haven't found myself of Y**T*b* shorts from time to time since them. still, the compulsion to pick up my phone and scroll in order to numb my brain and distract myself is definitely fading, and it has only been a few days.

Because of the way my brain functions and also my work situation, it makes sense that I still spend quite a bit of time on my fucking phone. (although my screentime has decreased by about 2 hours.) as a result, I am spending more time on other apps, tumblr being the main one to pick up the slack. its been good! despite all of its problems (most of which are probably not going away anytime soon), i do feel like it is designed in a way that is less addictive and more enriching than other apps. There is no way to "reblog" an Instagram reel, and even likes feel kind of meaningless since most of what is on there is just reposted from other sites and disconnected from the original creator, and you can't even go back and look at your old likes. Being on tumblr has more of a community feel to it, and even if I am mostly just reblogging I get the enriching feeling of feeling more like a curator/creator.

I deleted tiktok about a year ago? since then, i have occasionally gotten back on to make videos or check on friends, but never for more than maybe 24 hours. While other copycat short form platforms can be a timesuck, there is something so fucking lobotomizing about tiktok itself. literally get brain horrors anytime i use it now, and i highly highly recommend doing what you can to make the switch if you still use it. I think more people around my age (21) are seeing that and reducing their interaction. Its kind of sad sometimes to not constantly be aware of what is trending, but there is also a kind of bliss in not constantly being aware of what is trending :)

#journal posting #twitter posting #p #tumblr #instagram #tiktok #short form content hell

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gaz-light · 5 months

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The old sinews and taught fleshes of my life were once weaved into gordian knots of stress by a brood of spiders that called me home. These knots would thrum in agonizing pain that would radiate out from my core to my extremities. The spiders had fashioned me into a temple dedicated to a god I did not worship. I learned quick to not disturb the knots. My cries would ring out like a cacophanous church bell calling the brood to prayer and would terminate in my pillow. I Vomited. For years I hid away from anything that would disturb the knots. Then I grew angry. I plucked at them myself, through the tears, the bile, the demands to stay my hand. No simple and familiar pain would keep dominion over me, not anymore.

My freedom came swiftly and totally. I took my sword and cut from belly every last knot, driving the blade up my chest and through my ribs. I tore from my infested lungs every last egg, expelled every spider from my heart. Some by force, most fled in terror. I was free. Bleeding and broken but free. My Alexandrian solution left me queen of a new and nubile land. The last semblance of my old life was the sword I had rended it with drenched in a rainbow of my fluids. Empty.

I've only just begun to rebuild the temple the spiders once made me into, empty of knots and empty of flesh. I've forgotten much of myself from before now, and daunting is the task of rebuilding that self and regrowing the flesh that was once knots. I'm scared. Maybe more scared than a queen ought to be. But I'm hopeful that I'll be whole again, some day.

#journal posting #like if read #stealing that tag from my girlfriend

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beatsboy · 1 year

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looking up the reviews for an episode of a show you really like to find out if it was actually bad or if you’re just depressed

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andoutofharm · 1 year

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sometimes you just have to look yourself in the face and say what are we gonna choose. are we gonna keep making everything into a joke and something to mock and survive that way or are we gonna look for the light that has to be there on the other side of this. i have to fight for it. you have to say i do value sincerity and hope and i want to look for the light coming through and fight for that instead of just getting by on spite alone.

#to be clear this is not about the shipping polls directly but. it IS about some of the comments ive seen from some people on why they #vote the way they do #on this and other polls #and also because i started thinking about everything everywhere all at once again #and just hearing people talk and hearing my own thoughts and just.#and just. life in general and things going on in my own life and also inception and also the fob smileysad face #i promise im not going for like. toxic positivity here. shit sucks and i get that. i do.#but. there is always some pinpoint of light to be found and sought after #there’s always a crack in the wall where the light is shining through and you have to find that crack and dig your fingernails into it #and rip the wall down to see the sun on the other side.#but you only do that if you’re LOOKING for the light in the first place.#if you spend your entire existance with your eyes fixed on the ground instead of looking for that light and TRYING to find a way out #and a way forward #you will never make it out of the darkness.#anyway i am in a weird place mentally and have been for a while so. im just thinking about a lot of things and this is me attempting to put #them into words.#journal posting #ok to reblog btw <3

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weasel-the-scout · 3 months

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It was a green apple flavored and green colored clear lollipop. Encased inside was a cricket. I was determined that eating this would prove my “grown-upness”.

I’m not sure that I should have measured myself in what I would take into myself.

#journal posting

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maybe-itsforthebest · 2 months

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- j (x)

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omgellendean · 2 months

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#my post #quotes #language #palestine #journalism #politics #necropolitics

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pathfinderswiftpen · 2 months

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It's early March. I'm in northern Ohio. I am wearing shorts. My ankles are covered in mosquito bites. It's EARLY MARCH!

#climate change #i thought i had until MAY to be free of the little bloodsuckers but goddammit not now!#journal posting

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drbtinglecannon · 1 year

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In Knives Out Blanc wanted to do the murder mystery investigation with Marta so bad, but she was certain she was guilty so she spent a good amount of the movie avoiding/hiding stuff from him

Meanwhile in Glass Onion Helen was fucking carrying the investigation, even while accidentally getting drunk, and even went to investigation lengths Blanc was hesitant to do

#knives out #glass onion #ko: marta actively ruins evidence due to her perceived guilt. blanc knew the entire time she was innocent or ill intent #go: helen fucking diving forward to eavesdrop on duke/miles/whiskey better. helen tossing a tape recorder in birdie's bag. helen listening #in on lionel & claires freak out at the pool. helen did all the research on her sisters journals to get as into the role as possible #marta only standing up for her rightful inheritance at the end after everything vs helen down to ruin those shitheads from the start #i love these movies & the duality in the chars/victims & how it ends. marta gets the house. helen burns miles' down. its just!!!!! AHHH #i just rewatched knives out again so i can rewatch glass onion again tomorrow. im so normal about this series #tc posts #*of ill intent gdi. tumblr mobile let me edit tags

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cowboyera · 4 months

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12/14/2023

my tumblr experience is a bit weird rn, but maybe not weird, maybe a lot of other people have similar experiences

anyways, I alledgedly have close to 900 followers, but rarely get any engagement on my posts. I never really notice getting new followers, but I definitely have more than I did when my blog was somewhat popular and active, frequently getting like 30-100 notes. I assume many of them are bots or inactive accounts, but who here can actually go through and sift for all those accounts??

Like, I probably/definitely put less effort into my posts than I used to, and no longer really have a target audience like I did when every post I made was tagged #babygay, but I would still expect some engagement, right? I get more engagement on other sites where I have anywhere from 15-100 followers. so. even if most of my 900 are bots... idk

there is no point to this post... lol. just talking about stuff. its a bit of a journal entry or something... something like a blog post? idk if any of you have heard of that teehee. anyways, the semester is over and I now have the bandwidth for introspection and reflection I guess.

#p #ramble #journal posting

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beatsboy · 1 year

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mood: really into lists

#like i can make a list out of anyting #is this the autism #audhd #autistic #mental illness #deardiary #dear diary #journal posting #text post #mood #lists #i love lists #trans

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catchymemes · 1 year

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