#just my parents keep pushing me to make decisions I can’t make yet | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lillypad910 · 11 months

Text

Chocolate Cake Milkshakes

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Chubby!Girly!F!Reader

Word count: 2450

Warnings: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!! Smut, protected sex, p in v, fingering, oral (f receiving), pet names (Sweetheart, Princess), parent/child favoritism that’s not reader, perfect older sibling and disappointment younger child dynamic (only for a bit), a little bit of fat shamming. Not proof read, sorry for errors!

Summary: You have a date with your boyfriend Eddie Munson, who, like the gentleman he is, picks you up from home. Your mom favors your sister once again but you don’t let it deter you from the dinner your boyfriend takes you on at Benny’s for your favorite shakes and the rest of the date spent in his van by the lake.

A/n: for my fellow chubby girls that get told they don’t need that milkshake, or can’t wear that dress, or eat like a child. You are seen, and you are PERFECT. Be that main character I know you are.

All images found on Pinterest

Eddie couldn’t help but feel excited as he pulled his van into your driveway. His heart pounding in his chest as he stepped out of the still turned on vehicle before walking up to your front door. After a single push of the doorbell, the obnoxious ringing being heard even from outside, your door swings open. Your mother stood before him, smiling.

“Why hello, Eddie!” She greets him, “Come in, (y/n) should be ready in a moment.” She opens the door wider to let the tall boy in.

Your mother is a known individual among the residents of Hawkins, being an ex cheerleading captain when she was in her prime. Still to this day she has kept her shape.

Eddie sits in the living room on the plush plaid couch, glancing around the room. He had been to your house a few times already, but never explored. He’s always just snuck in through your window at night after your parents had gone to bed, so he takes the opportunity to look around.

There are pictures all around the room of your parents and your older sister, Stacy, but he notices fairly quickly how there are significantly less pictures of you. He sees the pictures of Stacy in the Hawkins Pageant, winning first place every time, her cheerleading photos, her photo as prom Queen and her graduation photo, but the only pictures he sees of you are you with the rest of the family. Specifically one catches his eye, you were a lot younger, maybe three or four. You were standing in front of the water at the beach, your hands in the sand as your swimsuit top’s strap was hanging off your shoulder.

“Mom, have you seen my pearl necklace? I can’t find-” you step into the living room, stopping when you see Eddie. You had on a cute dress that flowed out after your waist, cutting off at your knees. “Oh! I didn’t know you were already here! I’ll be ready in just a second, I’m sorry to keep you waiting!” You hold up your hands defensively before walking into your kitchen. “What was that, dear?” Your mother asks. “My pearl necklace, do you know where it is? I can’t find it-” she cuts you off before you can finish, “Oh! Yes, Stacy has it, she asked if she could borrow it from you last week, I guess she hasn’t brought it back yet.” Your mom simply smiles, unfazed by your smile dropping.

“What? Mom, I told you I don’t like her using my jewelry! That was Granny’s! She gave it to me-!” “Well, Stacy wanted it, you know I can’t say no to her, dear.” You sigh, being reminded like always that Stacy’s wants are more important than your own. “Now run along and finish getting ready, you’re making poor Eddie wait on you for too long. Also,” your mother glances at Eddie before turning back to you and looking you up and down, “are you sure you want to wear that dress? I mean…” she leans over and pats at your stomach.

Your eyes widen and you subconsciously suck in your belly. “I… I thought it was cute…” you try to defend your decision. “If you say so…” your mother goes back to making dinner for herself and your father. You sigh before running back upstairs to find a different necklace.

You don’t bother changing, thinking your mom was just being how she usually is. That’s until you stand in front of your mirror one final time, noticing the subtle chub of your stomach poking out of the loose fabric of your dress. But before you can even begin to pick out another dress, you remind yourself you have a poor boy downstairs waiting on you, with your mother.

You enter the living room once more, smiling at the lanky guy on your couch. “Sorry,” his head snaps in your direction when you speak. “Ready to go?” He asks you, standing up from the couch. You nod, and your mom comes running in. “You two have fun! Eddie, make sure to have her home by 11, please.” Eddie nods, “Yes, ma’am, I will.” You both leave, and as you step out of the door frame, Eddie’s fingers intertwine with yours, making you smile.

“So,” you speak once the door shuts behind you, “Where ‘re we going tonight?” He looks back at you and smiles, “I was thinking going to Benny’s for food before heading to the lake? Wayne’s off tonight so I don’t really wanna go back to my place.” His face flushes at the inclination. “Sounds good!” You smile, walking up to his van, “I’ve honestly been craving one of Benny’s chocolate cake milkshakes, those things are diabetes in a cup but they are so good!”

When you both make it to the diner, Benny greets you with a smile, “Good to see you two again,” he pours some coffee into the mug of one of the costumers at the counter before making is way over to you as you both slid into a booth by the windows. “Always happy to have regulars! Let me guess, two chocolate cake shakes and a double quarter pounder with cheese, extra fries” he says pointing at Eddie, “and a 6 piece tender basket with honey, buttered toast, and cheese curds?” he points at you. You both smile as Eddie leans over the table to you, “do we seriously come here that much?” You can’t help but laugh. “Apparently.”

When the food is brought out to you, you both dig in quickly. “I swear I will never get over this shake,” you say, leaning back into the booth’s cushion as you suck up the delicious chocolatey goodness from the large straw. Eddie nods, shoving fry that he dipped into the whipped topping into his mouth. “For real, you’ll have to beg him for the recipe one day.”

Eddie watches you sit the glass down, before ripping a tender in half and dipping it into the sauce cup of honey, quickly shoving the steaming chicken into your mouth. The soft hum that escapes you as your body sways side to side, eyes closing out of pure glee from the taste of the food.

Eddie was always happy watching you eat, from your little dances to excited squeals when the food was placed in front of you, he never got tired of it. He loved seeing you all happy.

After the plates were emptied and your shakes sucked down, Eddie went up to the counter to pay, leaving you alone to suck the last remaining drops of your shake. When he returns, he laughs as he watches you suck up the air in the glass, aggressively trying to get whatever you could out. You finally sit the glass down, “ok I’m done.” He chuckles and holds out his hands, which you take, and he helps pull you out of the booth.

You both drive down to the lake, heads banging to his new cassette tape by Metallica, his long curly hair whipping around as you giggle. “Eddie!” You laugh, trying to fix his hair when he finally stops, getting it out of his face so he can actually see.

When you pull into the lake, the sun has already set and he turns to you, “So,” he smiles, suddenly all sheepish. “What do you- hey!” You quickly unbuckle and squeeze yourself to the back of the van. His litter of blankets and pillows cover the hard surface of the folded back seats and his trunk floor. “Oh come on, Munson, don’t look at me like that.” You place your chubby cheek against the side of the headrest of your original seat. He unbuckles, that cute toothy grin on his face, before shoving himself in between the seats with you. You giggle as you pull him through, grabbing at his arm and pulling towards yourself.

When he flops through, falling with his back flat onto the bed of the van, you quickly lean over him. Your lips interlock, his arms quickly grabbing at your waist and pulling you on top of him. At first you’re hesitant, not wanting to put all your weight on the scrawny guy, but he quickly pushing your arms out from under you, making you fall flat on him.

“Eddie..!” You giggle when he kisses across your nose and cheeks. “What?” He pulls away, his brown doe eyes staring back at you. You huff, faking annoyance as you sit up, and lay your back against the side of his van. “Sweetheart,” he flips over and crawls to you, his hands brushing up your legs, as he smiles up at you, before lowering himself down to place soft kisses on your left knee. “Don’t be mad at me,” he smirks, obviously knowing you’re not actually mad at him.

His lips graze over your legs, placing soft kisses down your thighs, getting closer and closer to where you want him. “Eds…” you lower your hand down to cup his cheek as his corse fingers ride up your thighs, pushing your dress up to reveal your panties for him.

“You’re already all wet for me, Princess,” he brushes his thumb against the edge of your panties by your right inner thigh, his other hand squeezing at the fat of your left thigh. You blush, your breath suddenly getting heavy as you breathe harder. He hooks his finger around your underwear, pulling them down your legs before dropping them into the front seat. “So pretty.” He stares down at your slit, his fingers pulling your folds open. You watch him lick his lips, making you whimper. “Eds,” he looks up at you, pupils all dilated, that lovely brown color now just black. He moves closer to you, leaving a soft kiss to your cheek before leaving one on your neck. He lowers himself down lifting your legs to be over his shoulders as he goes below your dress.

You moan as his tongue moves over your folds, lapping up around your entrance. “E-Eddie…!” You gasp as his fingers dig into your hips, creating small crescents in your fat. His tongue moves slow at first, licking stripes from your slit to your clit, before flattening over your cunt. His nose brushes into your clit and you gasp, reaching down and grabbing at his hair. “S-Shit…! Eddie…!” You moan when his tongue plunged into you, spreading you open.

He pulls his tongue away only replacing it with two fingers, thrusting them into you slowly while his mouth returns to your clit. You mewl over the sensation, your legs shaking as your thighs press against the sides of his head.

His hips start grinding into the bed of his trunk, trying to get any kind of friction he can. You grip tighter at his hair, holding him in place as you come undone on his tongue, gasping for air as your vision goes white.

Eddie pulls away from you, his fingers leaving your cunt to your annoyance. “Did…” he tries to catch his breath, “did I do good?” You laugh airily, still having your brain a bit fuzzy from the orgasm he just gave you. “Holly shit, Eds. Yes.” You reach out to him and pull him closer to you, pressing your lips to his. He kisses back eagerly, the taste of you still on his lips and chin.

“Eds, I need you,” you pull away from his lips, placing soft kisses down his neck. He groans at the attention. “Fuck… ok, I know.” He pulls away for a moment, reaching into his front seat and opening the glove compartment. He comes back into view opening a condom out of the foil. He unbuckles his jeans before pulling down his boxers. You will never get over the utter size this skinny boy is when his cock smacks against his stomach.

Eddie rolls the condom down on himself, before grabbing at your thighs and lifting your legs. Your breath hitches as he presses his tip against you. You stare up at him, reaching up and cupping his face, before pulling him closer for another sloppy kiss.

You moan as his cock pushes in you, flattening your palms against the base of his neck. You nosed brush against each other as you breathe against his lips, “fuck…” he groans, placing his hands firmly on your waist, pulling you closer, letting you bottom out on his dick. “S-shit, just sitting like this feels good.” You laugh a bit, laying your head on his shoulder as he pulls you away from the side of the van, laying you against the floor of the trunk.

You moan when he starts moving, his hips softly thrusting into you, not wanting to overpower you just yet. “Shit…” he leans over you, your legs up around his waist as his are folded by your hips, constrained by the small space. “Eddie…” you moan into his ear, making him start thrusting faster. He groans, finding your hands in his before pressing them into the pillow by your head. “Fuck… you feel so good, Sweetheart.” He moans, beginning to thrust harder.

You both gasp and moan as he thrusts into you. Before long his thrusts get sloppy, and his hands drop yours, moving down to your hips, now pushing you down against his cock. “E-Eddie…!” You grip at his shoulders, both of your bodies sweating from the vans heating and the body heat you are both creating.

“God, fuck… need you to cum again, baby, please? Wanna feel you cum all over my cock.” He moves one hand in between you both, rubbing his thumb against your clit. You gasp, feeling your orgasm get closer and closer. You whimper as he leans down and kisses you again, your stomach pressing into his. You tits and belly fat rock with his thrusts, his fingers rolling your clit as you come undone around his cock. He groans at the feeling as your pussy flutters around him, his thrusts getting harder. “Eddie…!” You gasp, your post orgasm unable to come down from the high.

Almost immediately, Eddie drops his head on your shoulder, his hair damp from his sweat as he finishes.

For a moment, you both just lay there, entangled legs and arms around each other, bodies squished in the confines of his van’s trunk. You run your fingers through your hair. “You ok there, Eds?” You ask, a small giggle leaving you. “Yeah,” he sighs, “yeah, just… Need a second.” He presses his nose into you neck, leaving soft kisses on your skin. “Not gonna lie to ya, Sweetheart, you kinda tasted like one of those milkshakes.”

Tag list

@cagethemunson @spikeybatt @cherrycolas-things

#eddie munson x reader #stranger things #x reader #eddie munson #eddie munson x f!reader #eddie munson x fem!reader fluff #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x plus size reader #x chubby reader #eddie munson x chubby reader

640 notes · View notes

h-worksrambles · 2 years

Text

It kind of saddens me how much Asgore’s character just gets boiled down to ‘funny divorce man who pines over Toriel’. There’s so much more to his character as far as I’m concerned.

Asgore is quite possibly one of the most tragic characters in the entire game. He’s such a genuinely sweet and compassionate person. He’s a great dad. He loves his people and will do anything to keep them safe and happy. And those positive traits are exactly what lead him to commit himself to do something awful. And it’s painful to see how trapped Asgore feels by his past mistakes, so that showing him there’s another way and that he isn’t as beyond redemption as he thinks he is feels really cathartic. Toby Fox managed to give him so much nuance in such few scenes. And yet, Asgore gets scraps of fan content compared to the other major characters. And when it does, he’s often reduced to a clingy ex.

This is especially irksome when you go back to the game and remember that he’s not…actually very clingy at all. Yes, Asgore still loves Toriel, of course he does. But let’s go back to that scene where they meet again in the Pacifist ending. Asgore is delighted to finally see her again at first. But the second he sees that Toriel is (understandably) still furious with him, he backs off. He takes full responsibility for what happened between them and understands that, even if he misses her, he has no right to demand the relationship that he basically threw away. I feel like people who write Asgore as desperately wanting Toriel to forgive him kind of forget that Asgore can’t even forgive himself for what he’s done. He’s actually painfully self aware of his own flaws to the point of self loathing. He was fully prepared to lose the fight against Frisk and die because he felt he deserved it after all he’d done. And do I need to mention what he potentially does if you spare him on repeat playthroughs?

And I don’t even necessarily say this to tear down the ‘Asgoriel’ ship. Truth be told, I actually like this ship quite a lot. As I’ve already somewhat touched on in my Post Pacifist Headcanons, I actually think there’s a lot of compelling story potential in seeing two people who were deeply in love and happy, wrenched apart by tragedy and poor decisions, unpacking their complicated history and figuring out how to be around each other again. Especially if they both become parental figures to Frisk. With or without the shipping aspect, and regardless of if they actually get back together, that’s a great dramatic hook that can be really interesting if written well. And I have seen it written well. But execution is everything. It’s all too easy to flanderise the two by making Asgore too clingy, Toriel too mean-spirited or just generally downplaying how messy their past is to speed up what should be a long, difficult process. Again, I like this pairing, but not when it’s mishandled in a way that ignores why I liked these characters to begin with. And that’s to say nothing of when Asgore’s supposed clinginess is used to make him the bad guy to ship Toriel with someone else, which…(sigh).

And if this was all purely in fan content, I wouldn’t really care that much. It’s not like I have to read it if I don’t want to. But this is actually my one fear about Deltarune so far. Don’t misunderstand me, Deltarune has been fantastic so far. But the way it’s used Asgore has left a really bad taste in my mouth. So far, he’s been little more than a punching bag who’s situation is comically pathetic. And the way he still chases after Toriel irks me. Now he is doing the clingy ‘Tori take me back!’ routine and I really don’t like it. This doesn’t feel like a character who’s self aware of his mistakes, and takes too much of a burden on himself. This is someone treating his mistakes like they’re fixable, pushing the responsibility for that onto Toriel in a way I don’t believe Asgore would do. It feels like fandom misinterpretation leaking back into canon. I’m still interested in hearing what the history of the Dreemurr family is this time, and how it links back to Dess. I trust Toby Fox’s writing enough to believe this is being done with the intention of building a character arc. But I can’t deny that so far, it feels like an overly mean-spirited and out of character take (though a lot of that is born out of my personal attachment to him).

I’m not even sure what my point was with this. I guess I just wanted to respond to a fandom trend that leaves me with sour taste in my mouth. I don’t really wanna tell people making memes about Asgore being ‘the most divorced man ever’ to stop having fun. Nor do I care to get into shipping debates. I just wish the discussion of this character was a little more nuanced, because I think he’s well written enough to deserve it.

#asgore dreemurr #characterisation #character analysis #undertale #deltarune #undertale spoilers #cw death mention #cw sui mention

413 notes · View notes

escapismqueen · 1 year

Note

Chenford + drunk confession

Hey, here’s a little fic for your prompt. Thank you for requesting it, I really needed the inspiration 😂💕hope you like it 🥰

A Chenford pre-relationship fic- How do you know ?

Lucy is having a rough day, so with the help of Tim, Nyla and Angela take her out for the night. But what happens when Lucy drunkenly confesses something to not only Angela, but to Tim as well ?

Inc: Fluff, hurt/comfort, protective Tim, Angela, Nyla and Lucy being adorable

Warnings: alcohol consumption and talk of a difficult parental relationship

Tim looked over at Lucy in the shop, eyebrows scrunched in concern at her lack of conversation. Usually, she’ll have told him 3 different stories by now, wether they be from childhood, police academy or just last night; she always had something to tell him. And as much as Tim would complain and exclaim that there was to be ‘no personal talk’ in the shop, he secretly loved it and felt excited every time Lucy opened her mouth.

“You okay ?” He stares at her every few seconds, his focus on the road suddenly seeming unimportant and dull. Lucy’s head swings towards Tim’s, his words snapping her out of the trance she’s been in for the past half an hour. “Hmm? Oh, yeah, I’m fine” she answers in a tone of voice that is fooling nobody; especially not Tim Bradford.

Tim breathes out, hands clenching around the steering wheel, knuckles turning white as his agitation and anxiety rises. Lucy always tells him what’s wrong, she even gave him a 20 minute speech once about how ‘it’s important to acknowledge your own feelings so you don’t get lost in them’. She’d told him this when they got called out to a Domestic- the couple had been arguing every night for a week and had several calls made about them to the police; turns out that they were just missing each other because they’d both been working late. Lucy had a lot to say on the matter.

Thinking about a way to approach the subject without pushing her too hard, Tim keeps glancing at Lucy, eyes darting back and forth between her and the road. Her silence doesn’t diminish, so Tim makes a decision that even has him questioning his professionalism. He pulls the shop over to the curb, feeling confident that today is a quieter day, and there’s been no calls to them as of yet.

Lucy casts her gaze towards Tim hesitantly; did he just pull over ? It’s not their lunch break yet and they haven’t had a call, what’s gotten into him ? “Tim, wha-“

“Tell me what’s going on” he looks at her with an impatient expression, jaw slightly hardened and his whole body turned towards her. He may be trying to seem annoyed, but Lucy doesn’t miss the worry that floats in his eyes; she’s seen it enough times to know when it’s there. “It’s nothing important, honestly I’m fine.” Tim sighs, the look of disbelief that crosses his face is almost humorous, and Lucy wound have laughed if she didn’t feel so crappy.

“You’re fine ? So that’s why you’ve not said a word all day and why you’ve been moping about looking outside your window ? That’s fine is it ?” She looks at him with exasperation, though she’s privately flattered that he cares this much. “It’s my Mom” he nods in understanding; this explains her mood. Tim knows Lucy Chen like the back of his hand, and he knows how complicated her relationship with her Mother is, so whatever problem she is currently harbouring, it can’t be a good one.

“It’s just, we haven’t really spoken properly for a while, since she said all that stuff about my job. But it was her birthday yesterday so I called her up last night, and she just- she just completely tore me down in any way she could ! It was either ‘you’re stupid for staying at this job’ or ‘you’re not being a very good daughter’ or ‘have I had any dates recently, because a man ‘won’t wait forever’” she rolls her eyes in frustration, her hands flying up to emphasise every word she utters. Tim can’t help but focus on the last one ‘a man won’t wait forever’, he may not know everything when it comes to love, but he knows that a man in love would wait, and he would wait until the end of time for a woman like Lucy; he knows he would, but he’s not about to tell her that.

“I’m just so sick of feeling small around her. I’m sick of never feeling good enough in anything I do!” Her anger is clear from any angle, wether she could be heard or not, her body language screamed rage, hurt, exhaustion. Tim can feel his heart tighten at the sound of torment in her voice. Lucy is the epitome of sunshine, and so seeing her any different feels wrong. He thinks for a moment, unsure if he can say what he wants to, he doesn’t want to overstep and upset her even more, but they’ve been through so much together, and each of them trusts the other with their life, so he convinces himself to open up.

“Listen Chen, I don’t know if this is my place to say, but I’m going to anyway” he takes a breath and looks deeply into her eyes with sincerity. “Nobody, and especially not your Mom, should be speaking to you like that. You’re feeling angry and upset because the way she treats you is wrong and just because she gave you life, doesn’t mean she gets to decide what you do with it. And for the record, any man stupid enough not to wait for you, doesn’t deserve you in the first place.” Tim’s eyes widen slightly in surprise at himself; sure, they’ve had heart to hearts before, many times in fact, but has he ever said anything that personal regarding her love life ?

Before Lucy can give her response, Tim cuts in, anxious to sway her mind from the last thing he said. “I’m just saying, it’s okay if you need to cut her out completely, at least for a while. You may be her daughter, but she’s your mother, and mothers aren’t supposed to cause their daughters pain.”

Lucy is silent, her mind digesting every word that she’s just heard. She needed this. Other than Jackson, everyone else had told her that her mother only had her ‘best Interest at heart’ but it’s easy to say that when you haven’t lived with it your whole life. And here Tim is, saying easing her worry and guilt by completely validating her feelings, and telling her that it’s her Mom that’s in the wrong. She didn’t realise how much she needed to hear it from somebody else, and now that Jackson is gone, she thought she’d never hear it again. Lucy knew that Tim understood that she felt a certain way towards her Mother, but she hadn’t realised he knew just how much he understood. In a way, she supposes she should have considering what she knows about Tim’s dad, but when her Mom signed her up to have her eggs frozen, Tim’s response had been “or, she’s just looking out for you knowing how busy you are” so it’s safe to say his response to this did surprise her slightly.

Lucys continued silence starts to ring alarm bells in Tim’s head “Lucy, I’m sorry, I-“

“No, no, don’t be. You don’t know how much that meant to me, so Thankyou.” She gives him a reassuring smile and a grateful stare that she hopes he doesn’t miss. “And you’re right, I think I’m going to tell her we can’t speak for a while, even on holidays.” Tim nods in agreement, happy that she’s realising she deserves to be treated better. The look between them doesn’t falter for a second, a depth to their stare that says more than words ever could. Both of them gulp in anticipation, not quite knowing what feeling is lingering in the air.

“Assault Suspect heading on foot towards Brook street, white male, black suit, suspect is armed” Lucy and Tim are brought out of their haze by the sound of the radio. Tim knows immediately that they’re close to Brook street, he saw it just before he parked the shop. And he now knows that whatever moment he and Lucy were just having, is very much over. “7 Adam 19, pursuing suspect on Brook street”

Later on at the station

Angela walks up to Tim, a determined stride in her step, and a mischievous glance on her face. Oh no, the last time Angela had this look on her face, she’d told him to fire her maid of honour, what could she possibly have in mind now ? “What’s happening?” Tim asks warily, failing to hide the humour in his words. Angela smirks at him and wiggles her eyebrows “Timothy, I have a task for you” Tim’s eyes narrow, the teasing tone and full name that she uses, causing him uneasiness; and Angela knows it. “Spit it out”

“I need you to be the chauffeur for a girls night tonight.”

“What ?! No! The game is on tonight, why can’t Wesley ?” He looks away in exasperation, hands thrown up either side of him. Angela sighs impatiently, she hasn’t got time to lay all the groundwork out for him, and tell him all about Wesley’s new case that’s been keeping him late at work; she’s supposed to be in a meeting right now, so she uses the only card that she knows will undoubtedly work “it’s for Lucy”. Tim’s head snaps her way with force, an intrigued expression now replacing his previous exasperated one.

“What is it ?” Angela smiles in victory “wellll, I noticed Lucys been a bit down today, so Nyla and I decided that we’re taking her out tonight. And you are going to happily take us and pick us up so we can all have a nice drink.” Her eyebrows begin to raise again, arms crossing in defiance, there’s no way Tim is getting away with a ‘no’ on this one. He sighs in defeat, puffs of air releasing through his lips “Fine, what time ?”

At the bar

Angela, Nyla and Lucy sit close around the table at the bar. They arrived almost two hours ago and Lucy has had the absolute pleasure of ranting all about her problems, with Angela and Nyla backing her up and listening intently to everything she said. They were right- she needed this. Nyla raises her glass of water, a smile on her face and a relaxed, peppy air about her. “Here’s to living our lives by our own choices, and not giving a fuck about what anyone thinks of it.” “Damn right” Lucy and Angela comment in unison. A look of recognition crosses Nyla’s features and she re raises her glass, both Angela and Lucy looking on confused. “And here’s to Tim Bradford for forgetting that I’m pregnant, so could have easily been the designated driver tonight.” Laughter erupts from the table in a ferocious parade, onlookers smiling at the joy of the clearly close friends.

“Okay, I’m gonna have to run to the bathroom because this baby is jumping on my bladder like nobody’s business” Nyla gets up from the table , a quick skip In her step, and Angela takes the private moment to ask Lucy something that has been on her mind. “So, how’s things with you and Chris?” Lucy looks up, eyes particularly bugged out for the casual nature of the question, which doesn’t go unseen by Angela. “Oh? Erm, yeah, things are fine-great, yeah, we’re good” Angela’s left eyebrow arches at the fumbling of Lucy’s words. She asked this question for a reason; she knows Lucy isn’t happy with Chris, she’s aware she’s settling because she thinks she can’t have what she really wants- Tim. But she knows Tim Bradford, and Tim Bradford wants Lucy Chen. She’s so desperate for those two idiots to figure it out, so she prods her more.

“You don’t seem too confident in that answer” By now, Lucy’s had a few drinks, and her usual barrier she puts up of hiding feelings for Tim, was getting weaker by the second. “Mmmm, I mean, Chris is a nice boyfriend, but I’m just not sure he’s great for me” Lucy winces and drops her head into her hands, instantly regretting revealing such things when she hasn’t even said them out loud to herself yet. Angela rests a comforting hand upon Lucy’s forearm, and pulls her hands away from her eyes, getting her to look at her own. “Look, I know it’s not exactly my business, but nobody in the history of time has ever referred to their boyfriend as ‘nice’ when things were going great. It’s easy to settle when you think you don’t have a chance at what you really want, but If I were you, I wouldn’t give up so quick.”

Lucy’s brows scrunch in bewilderment. Angela hit the nail on the head with everything she said; maybe a little too much- what does she know ? Have a chance at what she really wants? What would make her say that with the little information she gave her about Chris?. Her mind begins to turn foggy, and before either of them can think through the question anymore, the alcohol hits them and the only thing they want to do is dance.

“Nyla !! Come over here ! We’re dancingggg” Nyla lifts her head on the way back from the bathroom, chuckling at the state of her two friends. “I can see that” Lucy’s smile is bright and she appears to be much more carefree than she was this morning. Nyla can’t help but give in to temptation and join them both on the floor, each of them being spun around by the other, drunken and sober giggles flying through the air. This is definitely what was needed, Angela and Nyla included. Angela has been feeling the stress of being detective pretty hard lately, and Nyla has been dwelling constantly on the baby and if either of them will be safe; a night with their girls is just what the doctor ordered.

3 hours later, Nyla calls Tim and asks him to come and pick Lucy up. Already getting in his car, he puts his phone on speaker and tells her he’ll be there soon. “I thought you and Angela needed a ride too.”

“Yeah, we did, but Wesley’s just got out of work and said he’d pick Angela up, and I’m going too because my place is closest to theirs” she peers to her side at Angela, face questioning wether she had sufficiently excelled in the task. Angela bobs her head rapidly, eyes scanning the room to see if Lucy had returned from the bar yet, cautious of getting caught. The thing is, Wesley wasn’t working late tonight, and she had known that from the beginning, but Angela had plans of her own, and that included getting Tim and Lucy to open up about their feelings; she just decided to give them a little nudge.

“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll be about 5 minutes” “okay cool, bye.” Nyla turned to Angela, a humorous smirk etched upon her lips “you’re a menace” Angela laughs and pushes Nyla’s arm with a playful shove “a super smart menace”.

“Who’s a super smart menace?” Lucy questions, clearly her trip to the bar had been a short lived one. But In Angela and Nyla’s luck, she was much too inebriated to notice the deer in headlights expression that was notched into their faces. “Oh, nothing, just someone in a case we worked on last week” Angela sends a promising smile to Nyla, eyes seeking the appraisal for her lie that her drunk self wanted. Nyla nods towards her with an over exaggerated smile and thumbs up, her demeanour taking that of a Mother who’s child had just gone potty for the first time.

Nyla’s phone buzzes, gaze averting from Angela and Lucy, who are currently wobbling, leaning on each other for support- yeah, it was time to head home. Thankfully, Tim and Wesley had arrived at pretty much the same time, so the women parted ways safely and made their way home.

Tim grabbed into Lucy’s waist and reached his hand out for hers when she stumbled on her own feet. “How much did you have to drink?” Lucy giggled troublesomely, her hiccups giving away that the number of drinks she had was worryingly high. Tim sends her an amused smile, mind feeling slightly more at ease to know that he’s with her whilst she’s like this. “Okay, let’s get you in the truck” he utters it so adoringly that drunk Lucy can’t help but tear up. “Thank you for picking me up Tim, I know the game was on *hiccup* tonight”.

As Tim puts Lucy’s seatbelt over her and clips it into the holder, his mind runs wild with how she knows that the game was on tonight. He didn’t tell her, and she doesn’t follow football, so how could she have possibly known that ? Curiosity usually doesn’t get the best of him, he’s usually one to not care why people say what they say, but this- he must know. “How did you know the game was on tonight?” His voice has heightened in curiosity, hands still rested safely on the seatbelt, but as he looks to Lucy for an answer, he is met with her angelic-like state of sleep. In theory, you’d think that tussled hair, open mouth and slight snoring wouldn’t be that cute, but to Tim, she looked perfect.

Shaking his head of the thoughts a man in a relationship shouldn’t be having, he gently closes Lucy’s side of the truck and hops into the drivers seat, making his way to Lucy’s apartment, his eyes glancing over to her every once in a while to check she’s okay.

As Tim parks outside of Lucy’s building, he softly whispers her name and rubs her arm up and down to wake her. No response. “Lucy” this time, he gets a reaction; she begins to mumble and curls herself up to the window of the truck. It’s clear to Tim that she’s not going to wake up, which leaves only one option- he’s going to have to carry her.

Opening Lucy’s door, he carefully unfastens her seatbelt so he doesn’t wake her in the process, and places an arm underneath her thighs, other arm wrapping around her waist. Tim lifts her with no struggle out of the car, and repositions her over his shoulder so that he has a hand free to open the door to the building and her apartment. The elevator was luckily empty due to the time, and Tim was able to comfortably stand in the middle with Lucy sprawled over his shoulder.

As he unlocks the keys to her door, he begins to notice her stirring in her sleep, alerting him that she’s probably going to wake up sooner rather than later. He closes the door and paces his way slowly over to her colourful sofa, laying her down lightly upon the pillows. He crouches down and watches as her eyes stir, leisurely blinking to adjust to the brightness in the room. “Hmmm” Lucy’s gaze sets upon Tim, her drunken state smiling at him, rather than questioning how she got upstairs.

“Hey sleeping beauty” he teases with a smirk, laughing at the irritated glare she’s directing towards her table lamp. “Guessing you had a good night” Lucy breathes out slowly, moving her body so that she’s sat up facing him. “Can I have please water some ?” Tim raises his eyebrows in amusement; he’s never seen drunk Lucy before, he’s seen her slightly tipsy but this is another level, and he’s not going to deny that it’s the best thing he’s seen all week. “I’ll go and get you some water now”. Tim stands from his position and strides towards Lucy’s cupboards, reaching for a glass and filling it up with some cold water.

“Tim?” He hums in response, eyes still watching the water filling the glass. Lucy is looking over at him, her chin placed comfortably on the back of the sofa, eyes inquisitive. “How do you know if you’re settling for someone ?” Tim freezes to his spot, turning off the tap quickly as the glass overfills due to his surprise. “Erm, I don’t know” he thinks for a second of how to answer her question, but once he realised she probably won’t remember tomorrow, he begins to answer her. “I suppose you’re never really at your full happiness with the person, because there’s a part of you that doesn’t actually want them. I guess you just feel a little empty at times when you’re around them” as Tim unload his thoughts, he realises that he may have just said something that he needed to hear himself, but it’s 1:30 in the morning and he’s not about to delve down that hole.

“Why do you ask?” He walks towards her and hands her the glass of water, their fingers grazing across each other and sending sparks of electric through their bodies.

Lucy looks at Tim with a thoughtful leer, head spinning trying to come up with the words her brain wants her to say. “Mhnnnm, I’m not sure I like him- Chris, I’m not sure if I have proper feelings for *hiccup* him.” Tim opens his mouth in shock, eyes bulged and heart rate increasing with hope; he thought she was happy with Chris, but knowing that that might not be the case, he feels himself feeling lighter for the first time in weeks. “I bet you’re a great boyfriend, Ashley’s veryyyy lucky” Tim smiles in disbelief, worrying he’s imagining this in his head, so he says the only thing that he can think to say “thank you, Chris is very lucky too.”

“What do you think of him ?” Lucy questions, eyes scanning Tim’s face for any tells. “I uh- he’s nice” Lucy chuckles and recalls earlier on that day “Angela said that saying that is usually not a good thing” he’s stuck for words now, because Angela’s right, he didn’t mean “nice” in a good way, what he meant to say was ‘he’s definitely not good enough for you’, but now was not the time nor the place for it. “Yeah, well Angela says a lot of things” he brushes off Lucy’s question and tries to divert her attention elsewhere “drink your water”. As she takes a sip, her eyes become heavy with sleep, her bed calling her loudly. “I’m going to sleep”

Tim catches her as her head lulls to one side glass caught in his other before it can shatter to the floor. “Okay, just drink this and then you can go to sleep”

“Ughhh, Tim, I just wanna sleeeeep” he chuckles once again, debating wether or not he should film this so he can tease her about it at work; the look on her face would be a sight to see, but he decides against it as she begins to cry. “ I just- I just wish love was easier. Like- I wish I just felt at one with Chris, I wish it was easy and I wish I *hiccup* could just be myself- like it is with me and you.” Tim’s eyes glaze over and he can’t help but brush a tear from Lucy’s cheek, the need to envelop her growing stronger by the second. His brain short circuits at the declaration of her words. ‘Like it is with me and you?’ Is she saying she has feelings for him, or is she just stating that it’s easy with him, no romantic implication behind it ? It’s safe to say that she’s caused his mind to race wildly tonight.

“Lucy-“ “I’m tired, can I sleep now?” Tim halts in the middle of his sentence, coming to the conclusion that he probably shouldn’t read too much into anything she’s said, because she’s not in the right state of mind. He peers over to her glass of water, satisfied that she’s drank enough and nods softly, helping her into her room. The question of how to get her into more comfortable clothes becomes intelligible, he can’t get her dressed himself so the only option is to turn around whilst she dresses herself and hope that she doesn’t tumble and injure herself.

As if Lucy had read his thoughts, she tilts her head up at Tim and states that she’s too tired to get changed, and is just going to sleep in the clothes she already has on. Tim nods and follows her to the bed, laying her down gently and putting her in the recovery position. His head may be swirling, but nothing could ever stop him from making sure she’s safe. As she gets comfortable, he brings the remaining water and some Advil and tells her to take two so that her hangover isn’t too bad in the morning. Lucy’s heart warms at the sight of him taking care of her; this is what it’s supposed to feel like, she thinks to herself. She swallows the Advil down and puts herself back into the position that Tim had previously put her in.

With a tired yawn and sniffle, she cracks an eye open to gain Tim’s attention and sends him an adoring smile. “Thank you again, for bringing me home, and for taking care of me”

“No problem Lucy, I’m here whenever you need me” the sincerity in his voice sets a calm over the room, and Lucy nuzzles her head into her pillow, nose scrunching when the material tickles her. “I’ll see you at work” he places a friendly hand upon her shoulder, but as he looks at her, cuddled up in bed, hair falling into the pillows, he can’t help but to brush a strand behind her ear. He turns towards the door and tiptoes gently so he doesn’t wake her up; then he remembers ‘I know the game was on tonight’- he never did find out how she knew, so he took a chance, whispering out the question once again, expecting no response from the half asleep woman in bed. “How did you know the game was on tonight ?” When he gets no reply after 5 seconds, he continues to walk out of the room, preparing himself to take his trip back home. But then it comes.

“Because…it’s you”

#therookie #chenford #therookiechenford #timbradford #lucychen #tim x lucy #lucy x tim #the rookie fanfic #chenfordfanfic #fanfiction

99 notes · View notes

mackeydoodledoo · 1 year

Text

Burning Sun: Chapter 5

Pairing: Rosalie Hale x (Fem!)Reader

Summary: You've seen her in the school halls, the cafeteria, anywhere really. You, for the longest time, hoped... Wanted to be noticed by Rosalie Hale. However, you give up when you realize it was getting you nowhere... Throughout high school and just some time after the high school years, Rosalie’s true feelings come to fruition.

Chapter Warnings: Angsty Ending

Chapter Theme: Helena - My Chemical Romance

Key: Italics = Thought, +*+ = Time Skip, Bold/Italic = Flashback, Bold/Indent = Text Messaging

A/n: None

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The final day of high school...

The final bell couldn’t come soon enough.

“God I’m itching to get out of here,” You sigh

Your final class was band class; where your other friends were as well.

Rather than playing music like usual, the entire class began cleaning everything in the band room while music simply played in the background. However, you and your small group of friends were hanging around in a small practice room. The last thing you all wanted was to be surrounded by cheering underclassmen.

“Hey, so Rosalie told us-”

“Whatever she has planned, good for her,” You say, “I’m not interested in anything that she has to offer me.”

“Still on her for ghosting you?” They ask

“Why wouldn’t I be?” You ask, “I don’t understand why you lot are still trying to get her and I to make up. She’s clearly made her choice to want nothing to do with me.”

“Oh, if you were in any of our shoes you’d see it differently,” They tell you

“What do you mean?” You ask

“Dude, you're so upset at what she did, you’re do caught up in that, that you don’t see how she was looking at you,” They explain, “Hoping you’d just go up to her.”

“I try to,” You explain, “But, every time when I felt that I was close to her, she shuts me out and ignores me for a long time. Then reaches out to me again, acting as if it never happened. Besides, she’s been homeschooled... Apparently all year so... No way she’d try to look at me, begging me to be at her beck and call.”

+*+

The Final bell..

You lot of seniors burst through the student lot doors, trying to all fit through the decently sized rectangular doorframe with ease. However, you nimbly weave through the seniors. However, upon reaching the outside world to head to your car, you spot a red... Familiar one... With a familiar blonde leaning against the driver’s door.

“OMG It’s Rosalie!!” Your friend almost pounces upon your shoulder, “Go after her!”

You push them off of you and begin making your way towards your car to simply go home before your night out with said friends.

*Rosalie’s POV* You stand there... Watching Y/n make her way to her car, yet not breaking eye contact with you. Only having it break when she disappears into the interior of her car. You hop into

Don’t follow me.

You toss you're phone into the passenger seat and lean over to throw your head into your hands.

If only I wasn’t so fed up with the smell of her blood...

“Carlisle, I can’t attend my final year of high school,” You walk up to him

“And why is that Rosalie?” He asks, looking away from his laptop

“I...I just can’t,” You explain

“It’s because of Y/n Y/l/n,” Edward answers for you, clearly reading your mind

“Can you keep yourself from poking inside my head Edward?” You sigh in annoyance

“Rosalie, we don’t want the administrative system just let you drop out of high school,” He explains,

“Well, say I'm getting homeschooled then,” You say, “Anything that’ll keep me away from Y/n...”

Oh how wrong you were to make that decision.

Now here you were... Trying to get Y/n’s attention again... Despite that Y/n told you specifically not to follow her...

I’d follow you to the end of the earth...

+*+

*Y/n’s POV*

You take your key out of the ignition and step out of the car, grabbing your backpack out of the passenger seat and lock the car, approaching your awaiting parents as they smile from the porch.

“She’s finally done with high school!” Your mother smiles

“She’s off to college!” Your dad smiles in

“Not for another few several weeks,” You chuckle, “Then I’ll be off.”

For the next few hours, your parents help you begin packing most of your clothing and some essentials.

“Honey, are you sure you don’t want us continuing to help pack your things?” Your mother asks from your room

“I’m sure mom,” You reply from the bathroom, “I’m pretty sure that we’ve gotten everything that's necessary and I have enough clothes to go through until I leave.

Yo, you on your way Y/n?

Yeah, heading out right now.

Before putting your phone into your pocket, you see a text from Rosalie... Again...

Are you busy this evening?

As a matter of fact, yes, I am busy.

What are you doing?

None of your business Rosalie. Don’t follow me.

You put your phone into your back pocket, grab your keys off of the table and head out the door.

+*+

You watch as your friend launches herself out of the front door of her house and into the passenger seat of your car.

“You’re all jittery,” You chuckle, beginning to make your way too the movie theatre

“Guess who asked me to prom?” She asks

“Who?” You ask

“James Konvegh,” She says

“Wasn’t that guy that one from freshman year that he rocked you in the jaw?” You ask

“Turns out he did end up feeling bad about it and saw how cool the marching band was,” She explains, “Ends up asking me to prom as a make-up date.”

“He better be careful then,” You sigh, one hand settling on the gear shift while the other remains on the wheel, “He hurts you again I’m kicking the shit out of him. A lot more than just a simply kick to the groin this time.”

“Well, says the one who’s leaving right before prom,” She says, “So, our two other friends will if he does.”

“Fair point,” You say

“You already get to packing yet?” She asks

“Parents and I already got majority of the big essentials,” You answer

“Where’ll you be staying?” She asks, “Will you be in the dorms like every other college freshman?”

“Actually, I have enough to lease a one-bedroom apartment near campus,” You smirk, “10 minute drive to and from.”

“What about work?” She asks, “Western Washington is 4 hours from home.”

“Campus Undergrad Library,” You immediately answer, “Quiet and I can do my school work as I work.”

“Wow Y/n, adulting already,” Your friend sighs, leaning into the headrest of the carseat. I’m simply still going to be working here in Forks until Have enough money for a camera.”

Your best friend was one of the best photographers in the school. She was head of the Yearbook committee since sophomore year. People were even asking her to do their senior photos. Hell, she evened her own senior photos to save her family money.

+*+

You meet up with your rag-tag group of friends and made endless cheers about ending high school.

“What’s the first thing you’re going too do?” A friend asks someone

“Sleep!” They answer

“That’s valid, I lost so much sleep over band and indoor band!” You laugh

“Well, stop doing indoor and maybe you won’t be as tired!” Another friend suggests

“In your dreams,” You laugh

You were about to walk into the movie theatre with your group of friends until you turn to see Rosalie...

"Hey guys... I'm going to catch up with you in a minute..." You tell them, "I'll buy my own drink."

You could see Rosalie coming closer as you were.

"Why did you come?” You ask, pissed off, “How the hell did you find out where I was going anyway?”

“That isn’t important,” Rosalie says

*Rosalie’s POV* “Alice,” You walk up to her, “Where is Y/n going tonight?”

“Why do you need to know where she’s going all of a sudden Rosalie?” She asks

“Because I need to talk to her about... Us,” You say, “I’ve been a big idiot all year and I feel guilty for ignoring Y/n and I need to find out where she’s heading...”

“The movies, with her friends, where else?” Alice answers you

You immediately beeline it to the door, grabbing a light cardigan on the way out.

*Y/n’s POV* “Okay if it isn’t so important then... Why the hell are you her?” You ask, “Answer me that.”

“I need to talk to you,” She says

“Of all times?” You ask, “The one time I can get with my friends before I-”

You stop...

“Before you what Y/n?” She asks

“It’s none of your business,” You say

“It is my business since you were ab out to bring it up,” Rosalie continues to argue

You sigh in frustration as you run your fingers into your hair.

“I got accepted into Western Washington Uni, and I’ve decided to take the opportunity to attend classes for the summer to give myself a head start to get my

"That isn't your choice to make for me Rosalie!" You snap

Her stern, pursed lips soften and she takes a slight step back. For the first time... You finally snapped at Rosalie...

“You know if you really hated our kiss and ‘us’ being an item at school, you should have just left it at that,” You continue, “It would just simply save both of us the hurt.... Heartbreak for me... Won't matter for much longer anyway... Since I’m heading off to college right after graduation.”

“What?” Rosalie looks up at you, “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah, because I’m going to get a degree and get a life,” You say, “I don’t care if you’d be apart of it. Since you clearly made your choice after Junior Formal... I’m done... I’m done, Rosalie.”

Rosalie narrows her eyes...

“I’m done being given mixed signals Rosalie,” You further clarify, “I’m done waiting for you to feel like you’re ready to be in a relationship and then when I feel like I could have a chance, or I let you in even further, you back out last minute.”

“I never said that I wasn’t-”

“Yeah, you never did,” You state the obvious, “Because you never wanted to make me feel bad about pining for you. You just simply need me along the path until you numerously pushed me off of the edge.”

“But you kept coming back when I did,” Rosalie attempts to counter-argue

“That was because I was being nice,” You sigh, “Not only that but I also believed you were slowly opening back up to me again. Just for my hopes to be smashed.”

“I’m sorry Y/n,” Rosalie apologizes, “I know I’ve been-”

“I don’t want to hear it Rosalie Hale,” You say

Rosalie lightly gasps... You never, ever referred to her by her first and last name.

“Why don't you just do us both a favor and leave?” You ask, “That’s what you do best.”

You turn your back to her, beginning to walk back into the theater ti catch up to your waiting friends.

“I don’t know what happened in your last relationship Rosalie Hale, but,” You begin, your angered tone dropping, “You probably sure did a hell of a number on that person...”

*Rosalie’s POV* Your eyes widen as you drop to your knees. The fact Y/n brought up your previous relationship, despite not knowing its full contents, it hurt...

You weren't the one that hurt your last significant other...

It was the other way around...

A violent type of hurt...

Chapter 6

#rosalie hale #rosalie hale imagine #rosalie hale x reader #twilight saga #rosalie twilight #female reader

94 notes · View notes

matan4il · 2 years

Note

It's always sad to think about that Eddie also hasn't ever felt real love, whether be it from his parents or his partner. It was clear that his parents and Shannon made him feel like he wasn't good enough. When she came back to LA, he was good enough for a hook-up, but then she presented him with a divorce. I don't think he would have married her if his parents hadn't forced him because she was pregnant. He could never do things his own way. Would love to hear your thoughts on that.

Hi Nonnie! Thank you so much for this ask.

TBH, Shannon is someone who I’m very ambivalent about. I don’t think she was a bad person. See, in Texas I can understand why she left. I may not agree with her leaving or how she did it, the fact that she didn’t even tell Eddie she‘s thinking about it, or the way she cut off Chris when she left his dad, but I can understand why she was unhappy and feeling suffocated. I can understand making bad choices when life keeps throwing difficulties at you for so long, you don’t necessarily think straight anymore. I also assume she didn’t mean to leave Eddie himself. It seemed more like she wanted to leave the package that surrounded being married to him.

So years later, she’s in LA and Eddie contacts her. He’s moved there and all of a sudden, being with him doesn’t necessarily come with that entire package Shannon couldn’t deal with before. I don’t believe she had any concrete plan in mind when she came to meet him in 207, but that once she saw him, she couldn’t just walk out again. He’s furious with her for abandoning them, but by the end of that ep, he comes to understand her and they kiss. Is she forgiven? No. Her betrayal was too great and Eddie doesn’t feel reassured yet that she won’t walk out on them again. So he keeps her from seeing Chris. What gets to me is that in 210, Shannon indicates her and Eddie had been sleeping together for almost two months before she puts her foot down and insists on seeing her son. I have to admit, that one always rubbed me the wrong way. If she had been that loving and repentant mother, I don’t think she could have taken being so close to Chris without seeing him for that long. Especially not after she previously claimed to be focused on being reunited with her son.

Then Eddie agrees to reunite their family by the end of that Xmas ep, and she has both him and Chris, but no commitment. She seems to be pushing in that direction in 217, asking Eddie what they are, and telling him she might be pregnant again. Just like you said, he implies that they first married not because he wanted to, but because of her pregnancy. Then, at the restaurant, Eddie takes the final leap with her, after he let her back in on every other level, and is ready to re-commit. But Shannon doesn’t want to. She got everything back, but just as Eddie feared, she now wants to leave them again. I think in all that time she took away from them, she never really figured out what she wanted, which is why she’s so all over the place. She wants her son, but she’s okay just sleeping with her dad. She wants Eddie, but she breaks up with him the second he’s truly ready for her. She begs to be forgiven for having left, but then she does the same thing again. I think she was so thoroughly confused, she just couldn’t make coherent decisions.

Here’s the thing. That’s not a reflection on Eddie and how lovable he is, but when he was already carrying the baggage of how little he felt accepted and loved by his parents, especially his dad, this is exactly how he interpreted Shannon’s rejection. And it breaks my heart. The fact that she didn’t just leave, she died, means he could never hope to one day work things out with her, get to a place of being friendly exes and co-parents. Some things in life are final and can’t be fixed. That’s why I’m extra happy that he and Ramon are working things out and building a better r/s. That’s Eddie’s core trauma, and with it healing, that can allow him to revisit other ones and find better, kinder interpretations for them as well.

And of course, he has Buck now. Buck’s the guy who fights for Eddie, to be by his side, to help him, to make things better for him. Eddie has never had that before, and it’s so full of love and grace, you can tell that affects everything. IDK how Eddie would have handled the aftermath of the shooting if Buck weren’t there. I’m convinced that Eddie can get along better with Ramon thanks in part to the support he’s had from Buck. I don’t think there are any love stories that get me more emotional than the ones where two people who’ve been deeply wronged help heal each other. And that’s what we have in Buddie.

Hope I managed to answer satisfactorily, and here’s my ask tag! xoxox

#buddie #911meta #buddie meta #911 meta #9-1-1 #evan buckley #eddie diaz #edmundo diaz #evan buck buckley #anti shannon diaz #not exactly but there is no tag for ambivalence #christopher diaz #ask #anon ask #911onabc #911 on abc #911abc #911 abc

67 notes · View notes

ningningsplushie · 2 years

Text

☆.｡.:* 𝒀𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝑴𝒊𝒏𝒆, 𝒀𝒐𝒖! .｡.:*☆

𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: Seokjin x Reader

𝑺𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚: Your boyfriend holds the world on his shoulder and because of that, he can’t seem to let you in and accept that you want to love him, not hurt him. Can you change that?

𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕: 1,584

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: ANGSTTTTT, but sprinkled with fluff and a happy ending! Trauma but nothing is explicit, small kissing, crying, prolly will make you want to hug Seokjin :(((

𝒂/𝒏: This idea came to me while I was listening to Chet Baker’s “You’re Mine, You!” while also reading A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara so this is loosely based off of these two things!

Seokjin never thought he’d get to this point in his life. Never, in all his twenty-nine years of living, did he envision himself connected to a person other than himself. For his whole life he had been navigating the world all on his own, perhaps his dark and unsavoury past nudging him along, both towards good decisions and poor. Poor for the most part. But you, you were the best decision he has made, even though he hasn’t chosen to acknowledge it just yet. But because of his solitary life thus far, love wasn’t even a luxury. It was a concept so far gone from his mind, an idea that he thought he didn’t deserve. But you proved him wrong.

However, his shut-off lifestyle shouldn’t be an excuse because as dark and unsavoury as his past was, so was yours. But god, were you different. So, so different than he. Whereas Seokjin was stoic, using his silence as both an escape and defence tactic, you were childish, so sweet and so good. Too good. You hadn’t allowed yourself to grow up, at least not at the same pace of the other newly, just turned twenty-two year olds. Sure, you graduated and got your bachelors and are now moving on to your masters whilst maintaining your job at the museum, but you indulged in the things that make you feel warm and like a child. In soft, romantic films, in useless bits and bobs that adorn your shelves, dressing in frilly dresses and skirts, glitter on your eyes and ribbons in your hair in an innocent yet sophisticated manner. You were still healing your inner child, the child that hadn’t gotten a chance to be who she should really be in the past all thanks to your parents. But Seokjin, Seokjin forced himself to grow up, all too much and much too fast.

In his cramped apartment, bed pushed against the small, open window, the two of you sat in silence, gazing out towards the city at night. You nudged his shoulder and an electric shock ran through Seokjin, keeping him alert. He still wasn’t used to people touching him. He doesn’t like it but when he remembers it’s just you, his body goes back to being relaxed, no longer on the defence.

“Penny for your thoughts?” You inquired, offering him an actual penny, rust painting a few spots.

Seokjin scoffed, shaking his head and you watched as his black bangs fell into his eyes. “You’re an idiot,” he quipped, purposely ignoring your question. You knew this, so you don’t push.

“Yeah, but I'm your idiot.” Fluttering your eyes, so big and full of life despite everything that has been thrown at you, he couldn’t help but notice his heart was doing the same.

Looking down at his hands, his crooked fingers folded over his lap, he grumbled, “Yours. What a stupid thing to say. It’s not like I own you.”

“Well no…but…you own my heart, it belongs to you because I let myself bare to you. I’ve told you all my deepest secrets and I can’t let you go now, you know too much!” You slightly joked, trying to lighten the mood as you knew Seokjin didn’t like to delve too deep into conversations.

This frightened Seokjin because if he owned your heart and you belonged to him, that must mean it’s the same vice versa. The sick and unhealed part of him couldn’t allow this. Although he loved you, again, even if he still hasn’t acknowledged this fact, he’s terrified at the thought of someone hurting him again. Yet the small, if not microscopic side of him, the one that so desperately craved affection that it sometimes keeps him up at night, knew that you’re different. If you had wanted to hurt him, you would’ve done so by now. And you haven’t.

On the defence again, he snapped. “You don’t own my heart and I certainly don’t belong to you.” He saw how your face slightly faltered and he mentally cursed himself. He did what comes easiest to him.

A butterfly landed on the windowsill. A small, black butterfly, so fragile and so alone in this big scary world. Seokjin tore his eyes away from yours, to get away from the hurt that he’s caused and stared at the flapping wings.

The two of you were both stubborn but it still surprised Seokjin nonetheless when he heard a gentle, “I’d like to think that I do.”

Looking at you from the side, refusing to turn towards you because then it would mean confrontation head on, he noticed how your watchful gaze was trained on the butterfly. Out of nowhere, your right arm reached forward for the window, for the butterfly and Seokjin flinched. With your left hand, with a feather-like touch, you guide the butterfly to your right hand, getting it to your palm, forming a cup.

“Look at it this way, Jin. Your heart, to me, is this butterfly.” Your voice is kind but he heard the determination behind it. He stared at the butterfly moving about, looking for escape. “Now, in the palm of my hand is the most fragile thing that could come into existence. So fragile that,” With every word your fingers slowly and menacingly tightened around the butterfly. “I have the power to kill it, just because I can. In just a few seconds I can kill this butterfly just because it’s now mine and I can do whatever I want to it.”

Horrified at what will come next, Seokjin couldn’t take his eyes off you, feeling tears well up. Tears he didn’t know he had the power to conjure after so long. He wanted to leap forward and pry open your fingers before you crushed the butterfly, before its wings and blood stained your skin. He wanted to scream and cry in horror, for both himself and the poor insect but he was weak in his spot, chin slightly wobbling.

But before your fingers fully enveloped the small creature, you ceased your actions. “Or I could do this.” Your hand opened up steadily, like a blooming flower and Seokjin sighed in relief. You reached behind you with your other arm, pouring water into a small teacup and bringing it forward to the butterfly, letting it flutter onto the rim so it could drink. “Still in my hand is the most fragile thing in existence. But it’s so much more than that. It’s beautiful, it’s precious, and it’s everything good and if I have something like that, I want to do anything but hurt it.” You both watched as it drank, thankful to have found water. “I want to love it, nourish it, keep it safe because that’s what it deserves.”

Seokjin continued to cry at your new words but for a different reason. Never has he heard something so loving and gentle directed towards him. At first he can’t believe it, at what he’s hearing but through the bleary wateryness of his eyes, he discovered the love that you yielded to him, not like a weapon, but like a bouquet of flowers.

Its thirst now quenched, the butterfly danced through the air briefly, the two of you following its steps before it settled onto Seokjin’s knuckle. You lazily reached forward for his hand and this time, for the first time, he didn’t flinch, nor did he jerk back, nor did he stiffen. With an action of lightness that Seokjin has finally accepted, you brought his hand towards your lips and kissed his pale hand, the butterfly’s wings tickling under your eye.

With a giggle and a loving grasp on Seokjin’s wrist, you now brought it outside the window, making his hand jiggle so the butterfly could now fly away and be free. Through all of this, Seokjin has never ceased his crying. He thought that if he were to ever cry again, it would be because of fear or agony, not because of relief and comfort, and somehow, you knew why he was crying.

You allow him to do so but you also wiped the tears from his face to alleviate him from the sticky trails his tears have left behind. Now, in a hush, in a voice as quiet as the flapping of the butterfly’s wings you whispered, “As long as you allow me to stay I’ll always treat you and your heart like it’s the most precious thing on earth. Cuz guess what Jin? That’s exactly what it is to me.”

Seokjin has calmed down and in a move that surprised him, he leant forward and locked his lips with yours. You tasted his sweat from the hot summer night and his salty tears but you didn’t push him away to brush them off. It wasn’t something you put up with but rather, accepted. Just as you accepted Seokjin for everything that he was and everything he had to offer.

109 notes · View notes

sparring-hyena · 2 years

Text

winter.

in which weather can be profound and personal growth is messy.

OR, my own imagining of post-book 2.

they find each other later. much later. weeks and months later, really, during winter break. although, Poppy guesses, it’s not really winter break if they’ve both graduated and left their days at Belvoire behind them. it’s just winter.

so it’s winter when they find each other, somewhere in that awkward week between Christmas and the new year that doesn’t even feel like a real point in time. there’s snow and belated family gatherings and nights spent alone as a forecasted blizzard rips through the city.

it’s an odd kind of loneliness that settles in Poppy’s chest during that week, like she’s missing something so small yet so important and can’t quite identify what it is. but she pushes on. puts on a smile and pretends it’s all fine as she sits through a belated Christmas dinner with her parents.

and then, only when she finally manages to escape her parents’ brownstone just before midnight, when she steals a few quiet moments for herself in the candy aisle of the bodega that she felt compelled to step into, does she find AJ.

“fancy meeting you here.” the voice is familiar and pokes at those silly little words that have been rattling around her mind for months.

it’s always been you.

she bristles, pretends it’s unresolved hate that makes her react that way, and turns around to face the voice. “AJ.” clipped. neutral. good, no way she’s going to lose to AJ Hughes in the candy aisle of a bodega.

“just can’t seem to stay away from me, huh?”

“i could live a very peaceful life if i never had to see you again.” it feels like a lie coming off her tongue, and that gaping thing in her chest screams and begs her to take it back.

AJ clutches her chest and makes like she’s been hurt, but she smiles through it all and Poppy never wants to think about why she hasn’t stopped thinking about AJ’s stupid smile since graduation. and that stupid declaration. and that god-awful kiss that had left her shocked and speechless and her lips tingling with fiery— whatever.

“doing anything right now?” AJ asks.

“walking away from you.” and Poppy proves her point by turning on her heels and walking down the aisle. she holds her breath firm in her chest as she walks, and only releases it when she hears AJ follow after her.

“first of all,” AJ starts as she falls in step with Poppy, “i know you wanted me to follow you. and second of all” —she stops in front of Poppy, forcing them to stand face-to-face— “wanna grab a drink?”

so she grabs a drink with AJ. so what? no biggie.

except one drink turns into two, turns into three, turns into making out outside the bar, which, naturally, turns into fucking in AJ’s kitchen because they couldn’t make it to the bed.

no biggie.

Poppy braces herself for the cold and flees AJ’s apartment early in the morning.

she decides that that was the last time. no more running into AJ. no more grabbing a drink because what’s one drink between old university friends? because they aren’t friends, weren’t ever really friends. no, they toed the line between enemies and two people with a complicated arrangement who can’t seem to do one thing right even now!

so that’s the end. for the best, Poppy thinks to herself as she wraps her coat tighter around her body as the wind slices at her skin.

and she feels... okay about that decision. she knows, logically, that not seeing AJ again is for the best. but she also knows, less logically, that her bed is much too large, much too cold when she crawls into it that night.

she loses track of the days. gets lost in a dreadfully dull cycle—wake, eat, phone, shower, sleep, repeat. she keeps tabs on all her old friends through their socials, and starts to wonder if they were ever actually friends.

has she ever actually had a real friend?

she likes Chloe’s latest post—a photo of her on vacation in the Swiss alps—and then turns her phone off.

then those four silly words echo in Poppy’s head again.

a lie, she told herself as soon as AJ had breathed them into existence. and it had worked for a while, had tamped down the hope she allowed herself to feel bloom in her chest for just one moment, because she’ll never let herself hope again.

a game just like everything else, she tells herself now as she watches the snow fall from the dark sky.

and then before she knows what’s happening, Poppy’s off her couch and out the door as those four stupid, awful, annoying words chant in her mind.

she had made a note of AJ’s address when she left a few mornings ago. only so she could stay away and make good on that decision to never see her again. so it’s no trouble getting to AJ’s building—modest and nothing particularly exciting.

homey, huh? AJ had said with an air of insecurity as they’d stumbled inside a few nights ago and Poppy had paused their make-out to judge and look and absorb AJ’s new home.

she doesn’t know what to do now that she’s met with the reality of her late night decision. leaving would be wise, she knows, but she just can’t seem to get her legs to carry her away.

she slips inside the building behind someone else who’s too lost in their phone to notice Poppy, and rides the elevator up to AJ’s floor.

she knocks on AJ’s door, softly in the hope that maybe AJ won’t hear it and she can leave unnoticed and pretend this never happened. but then there are footsteps getting closer and Poppy’s heart beat drums in her ears and then the door opens.

“what’re you doing here?” AJ asks, her voice firm and eyes hard.

clearly a mistake coming here, Poppy decides and suddenly she wants nothing more than to be at home curled in her too large and too cold bed.

“i don’t know,” Poppy admits.

AJ nods, glances back over her shoulder into her apartment, and Poppy immediately thinks she’s interrupted something important.

“did you mean it?” Poppy quickly asks before AJ has a chance to tell her to leave.

“mean what?”

“what you said at graduation?”

AJ’s head quirks to the side, clearly trying to remember.

or maybe she does remember and she’s just trying to give you an out. trying to let you down easy.

but the words thrum through her veins and she needs an answer now if she ever wants to be able to carry on with life.

“when you said ‘it’s always been you’ did you mean it?”

AJ continues to stare and for the first time ever, Poppy can’t read it. or maybe doesn’t want to be able to read it for fear of what it will mean.

“did we actually hate each other?” Poppy now asks, desperate to just get some answers and keep AJ in front of her.

“do you think we did?”

“i don’t know.”

AJ nods and clicks her tongue. “maybe you should figure that out before you come knocking on people’s doors at midnight.”

AJ moves to close the door but Poppy’s quick to stop it. “no, no, wait. please.”

maybe she hears something in Poppy’s voice, because AJ pauses, waits.

“i know we didn’t hate each other. i know that. but i just… i wanted to hate you. i wanted to hate you so much and i don’t know why i couldn’t just hate you because your were everything i despised. maybe you know why because you always seemed like you knew something that i didn’t.”

AJ doesn’t say anything right away, and Poppy, for a moment, thinks she’s finally gone too far. that after everything she’s put AJ through, this midnight-doorstep-declaration will be what costs Poppy having AJ in her life. and then—

“i used to think you hated me, way back when we first met. i didn’t care, of course. i never hated you, even then, but i didn’t like you much. but i quickly learnt to see through everything you were throwing at me. i think you subconsciously knew that you needed me because i was so different from everyone you’d met before, i was challenging.”

“you weren’t challenging.”

AJ quirks her head to the side a playful smile pulls her lips up.

“maybe a little bit,” Poppy admits, and admitting something to AJ doesn’t bother her and she realises that it maybe never did. “but it was nice.”

“yeah, i thought so too. we were so different in a few ways and so alike in others. i think that’s why we worked… why we probably needed each other.”

Poppy sits with that for a moment, and thinks that AJ might have a point.

“my bed’s too big,” Poppy says, and she doesn’t know why she decides to admit that. “i just— i think i’m lonely and i think i miss you.”

“you think or you know?”

“i miss you and i need you and i wish i’d done things differently.”

AJ just stares for a moment and then: “a friend of mine is having a party for the new year tomorrow night, you should come with me.”

“really?”

“yeah, really. i think you’d have a nice time if you came and i know i would enjoy it more.”

Poppy’s cheeks turn a little red. “okay, yeah, i’ll come.”

and then they stand awkwardly at AJ’s front door, unsure of what to do next but desperate to not let this moment fade. AJ steps aside a moment later; an invitation, silent in its declaration but loud in the space between them.

Poppy smiles and steps close to AJ. she cups her cheek and says, “Thank you,” before moving inside.

#my writing #poppy min-sinclair #poppy x mc #playchoices #queen b

87 notes · View notes

caroline18mars · 2 months

Text

A Man On Fire - Chapter 84

All colour drained from her face and she sat there looking all lost, “Harp? Do you want to talk to him..” Jared’s voice barely registered in her head, my own father, the root of all evil in my life wants to see me? She nervously bit her paint stained nail. “She’ll call you back, Arno..ok talk to you later” Jared disconnected the call and looked at the trembling, nailbiting other half of his heart. “Babe..” his hand reached over the table “calm down, he’s awake and doing a lot better..” his long fingers caressed her cheek to get her attention, her eyes predicted a hurricane connecting with his. “I can’t do it, Jay..I can’t..it’s not..why? should I?..I don’t know..” she puffed out the words, Jared pushed a strand of her long hair behind her ear “I’m not the one who can or should decided that for you..I’m just as torn about this as you are” he sighed. “Oh great, pffff” she nervously rolled her eyes, “I just can’t make that decision for you, you’re the only one who can truly feel and know all the abuse and grief that man has given you, nobody else..does he even deserve a visit from you? My first reaction would be, hell no, he sure doesn’t deserve you and his talk seemed very cheap over the years, but on the other hand what if he has seen the light and the conversation will be beneficial for you and might chase away some of those ghosts that you dragged along with you all this time?..I really can’t make that decision for you, Coco”. She shuffled back and forth on her chair, he had never seen her so agitated, so restless, all this time the decision had been made for her, her father had made the decision to keep her far away, cutting her off financially and emotionally, depriving her of money, depriving her of her title linked to her last name. And now he pulled the strings a little tighter in the other direction, there was so much doubt, that man either lived up to his title as a diplomat or he was pure evil, one way or the other it was working what he was trying to do.

‘No, you’re right, you can’t possibly make that decision for me..I’m gonna ignore him, enough is enough, can we just go..I need a bit of fresh air” she sighed yet again, already pushing back her chair.

The drive back home was a silent one, her own silence even continued well into the late evening, all day she had been sulking around the house, only to hide in the garden watching the sunset, but her phone wasn’t, this had been the tenth call on her phone that he had let go to voicemail. He grabbed her phone and walked out into the garden where her untouched plate of food of this afternoon was still standing next to her. “Please call your brother, he’s been blowing up your phone all day” he handed her the phone but she looked at it like it was an alien “your phone, you know, that device where you can communicate with people from a distance”. She rolled her eyes “you don’t have to be all sarcastic about it, ” and pouting she took the phone from him, twirling it round and round between two fingers, “I’m not, babe, really I do understand how tough this decision is for you” he ruffled his fingers through her hair and sat down on the sunbed with her “but you’re gonna have to whether you want to or not”.

Harper let her head fall back against the cushion “what about you? What have you been up to all day?” she needed to talk about something else for a change, “the tour, we’re kicking off the last leg in Sydney, Australie soon” he softly said, somehow it hit her hard, in all this turmoil of indecisiveness she felt like she was gonna need him to be with her. Don’t be so goddamn selfish Coco, you brought this all to yourself, you’re not 10 anymore, you’re a grown up who dares to talk to a couple of parents right? Right! “I’ve been so self-absorbed lately that I completely forgot about that, when are you leaving?”, her question struck him, ‘when are YOU leaving?’ not ‘when are WE leaving’? she must have had decided then. “In a couple of days” he bit his lip, what? A few days? He would be gone again in a few days? Stop being so selfish! “oh ok..” she really tried to sound not disappointed “I’ll go call Arno, and you mister, need to go pack your bags, is it winter or summer now over there? Summer, right? Well, make sure to pack your shorts and flipflops then, ok, I’ll go call him”.

By the time she got back inside, the whole house was dark, she quickly looked at the time, it was almost 1AM, with a heavy heart and equally heavy legs she walked up the stairs, here goes nothing..

Warm breath, and her luscious warm body sliding up to his back woke him from his restless slumber, “hey” he rolled over to push a kiss on her lips “so I guess you decided then” he found himself bracing a little. “Yep..I’m going to probably regret this, but I’m going back there and see what he has to say, I don’t want to live with this huge cloud over my head any longer” she sighed, even in the dark he could see her overtaken by emotion, he brushed his lips against the salty tear that trickled down her cheek “I believe it’s the smartest decision, when do you fly over there?” his stomach was in knots, but he had to respect her decision. “Tomorrow..please come with me?” she whispered in his ear while tightening her grip on him, please say yes, please, please, please, I don’t want to go over there on my own, but with the nervous biting of his lip she already had her answer “we’re leaving the day after tomorrow, babe..I’ve got a lot to do still” he hated his touringschedule, he hated himself, he could clearly see the disappointment on her beautiful features.

“I know..no it’s alright, I understand..” she forced a smile and put her head in that wonderful nook of his shoulder, how long would it be until they would see each other again, none of them knew and it didn’t make things easier, “just promise you’ll fly to Australia as soon as you can?! I really want to sign up for the long run with you..” Jared didn’t want to think about being apart again, they had been for too many times and for far too long. “Promise me, Harper..” he quickly said as he didn’t get an immediate reply, “I promise, of course, as soon as we’re done there, I’ll come and see you” she didn’t know when or what but she wanted to make him that promise because she needed a goal to keep her going during the much dreaded upcoming talks. “That’s all I needed to know” he pushed himself up on an elbow and leaned in for a scorching kiss that started hours of passionate lovemaking all through the night.

#jared leto #jared leto fanfic #jared leto fanfiction #fanfic #30 secondstomars fanfic #30 seconds to mars #30 seconds to mars fanfic #fanfiction #fic #30 seconds to mars fanfiction #HarperandJared #a man on fire

4 notes · View notes

whentherewerebicycles · 1 year

Text

my beloved pups :) period started overnight and I woke up so sad. but I think the one good thing from this bummer of a weekend is that I feel like I’ve reached some clarity about next steps. I want to hold firm to the original boundary I set before starting this process: no IVF, at least in the US. truly zero judgment of anyone else’s choices but having a biological child is not so important to me that I want to mortgage my own future (and my kids’ futures) to it financially. and I’m genuinely interested in and open to fostering to adopt even though I have some nervousness around the idea.

so here’s my plan, because you know I can’t function without a plan:

depending on what my dr says tomorrow, I’ll pursue additional testing if it’s not crazy expensive. if there’s a physical reason IUI can’t work for me I would like to know so I can feel confident I’ve fully tried that option.

assuming there isn’t a physical reason and I just haven’t gotten lucky yet… I have gone through a lot research to try to understand the clinical guidance. I wanted to understand if the “3 failed IUIs = IVF is your only option” advice is based in good science or if it’s one of those things that people repeat to each other because they’ve heard it a lot. (I also wanted to know if it’s one of those things where our culture’s tendency to pathologize and hypermedicalize pushes people towards the invasive high-tech expensive options sooner than necessary). I am not 100% confident in my ability to interpret scientific data so you know, grain of salt but: it does seem like a lot of the studies that recommend the 3 cycle limit are single-clinic studies with small sample sizes. I found a more recent and much larger study that concluded that people who do 6-9 cycles still achieve similar rates of pregnancy as people who do 3-4. so it seems like the drop-off maybe isn’t as precipitous as the internet would have you believe. it’s hard to imagine doing 9 cycles (financially and emotionally) but I think I could do up to six.

I signed up this morning for the foster care licensing course online (in my state you have to be licensed both to foster and to adopt from foster care). I have to complete eight 3-hour sessions plus additional in-person stuff at the end. I want to set a goal of completing one session per week—maybe an hour a night spread over a few nights. I also want to use this process to engage in sustained reflection and writing about my feelings/fears around pursuing parenting by another route. it seems totally normal and expected that I’d have a lot of head/heart-clearing to do before I’m ready to tackle a big life-changing commitment. so I want to begin that work now. I would like to complete the online training by July 15 (and I of course have my own syllabus of secondary readings I want to do too lol). I’ve heard the home study process you have to complete after training can take anywhere from 3-9 months, so starting now will get me moving in that direction but won’t obligate me to make any big decisions for a while yet.

IVF abroad is still a possibility—I budgeted it out for one of the Greece clinics and I think I could do it for $8-9k which includes all travel and lodging costs (not bad if I also get a fun two-week vacation out of it!). but I couldn’t afford to do that financially or PTO-wise until November/December, so I think it makes sense to move forward on other fronts for now and keep that as a back-burner idea I can return to in a couple months.

and lastly: here’s a final emotional thing I want to register. as I expected it might, this process has been stirring up a lot of old buried gender shame, which isn’t specifically about my body but has more to do with that one quote people reblog on tumblr that goes something like I have always been ashamed of being witnessed in the act of wanting what I can’t have. my gender shame has always had so little to do with my gendered body and so much to do with the feeling that people are watching me want to embody something I can’t embody in a way that convinces anyone. I spent so much of my life feeling shut out of girlhood, and even though most of the time I couldn’t decide if I even wanted to be let into girlhood (my feelings are still decidedly mixed!), that feeling of being shut out still kinda fucks you up inside, you know? I feel like I’ve made a lot of peace with that old pain and a lot of progress towards expanding my conception of what being a woman means (as emi koyama puts it in the transfeminist manifesto: there are as many ways of being a woman as there are women). but it makes sense that when you encounter new triggers for old pain it would take a while to kinda recalibrate and find your equilibrium again. right now I want to have a baby—ie I want to do this human thing that our culture associates (strongly, insistently, at times punitively) with “successful” womanhood. and I am so far failing repeatedly to have a baby! I am failing even with the help of medical interventions that are supposed to ramp up my ~insufficiently feminine~ body’s ability to do this thing that “women’s bodies” are supposed to be able to do without help. like, one million scare quotes around ALL of this—this isn’t what I believe in my head but it is the deeply ingrained cultural script that’s been drilled into my heart! so I think a lot of the heaviness I’m feeling around this whole thing is just like, the old pain, the old shame, the old buried humiliation of being witnessed in the act of wanting something I can’t have. and I may need to make a bit more space for myself to do some gentle and compassionate excavating of those ugly, shameful feelings so I can look at them in the light and say: yes, that’s a thought, but it isn’t mine. it never was. it came from somewhere else, a tiny little fragment of cultural shrapnel embedded in my heart. I may never be able to remove it completely but I don’t have to confuse it for part of me and I have the tools now to keep its slow poison from leaching into my blood. I am whole as I am. I am loved as I am; I love myself as I am. I can acknowledge the old bad feelings with compassion, but I don’t ever have to ever go back to that time in my life when I treated shame as the only or truest truth.

#IUI tag #long post #personal #girls I have been

15 notes · View notes

findingmypeace · 1 year

Note

I honestly don’t understand why your treatment team keeps pushing treatment. You’ve been so many times and it’s never actually worked. It’s silly to keep going back at this point, you need to watch this for yourself outpatient. No one can do it for you. You can get medical management and follow a meal plan and get therapy outpatient, but I really just don’t understand why you would go back to treatment again if you’ve been so many times, and you say that it has always harmed you (at least recently). You’re an adult, you have the autonomy to make whatever decision you wanna make, and your therapist can’t force you to do anything.

This was sent to me on April 21st before my intake with the treatment center that said they wanted me to go to their inpatient unit. I get that at the time I was writing a lot about not wanting to go. And honestly, I still don’t want to go. Like at all. Part of the appeal of inpatient vs residential is that inpatient is shorter. I can get back to work faster. I don’t have to be in treatment as long.

Yes, technically my therapist can’t force me to do anything. I am an adult. I have my own free will. And yet I was told that if I don’t at least do residential it would be unethical for them (dietitian and therapist) to continue seeing me. I’d be without a treatment team again. No therapist. No dietitian. And now my psychiatrist won’t even let me do ECT until after my health is better. But fuck it, treatment is a waste of time. I just need to get my shit together.

I had a lot more written now but the bottom line is (I can’t believe I’m saying this-I really can’t contain the anger anymore) you’re feeding directly into both my trauma and denial. You’re also directly feeding into WHY I refused to go back to treatment for so long. I’ve heard this trope (in addition to many, many other invalidating statements) hundreds of times over my life. My brother just said it to me last week with the addition of a sarcastic remark when I finished telling him my medical symptoms. I guess I’m just being a drama queen.

I didn’t want to go in the first place. And this is part it.

I hear this in my head, in my parents voice, constantly.

I don’t even know what to say anymore.

I have another ask like this saved in my drafts. I never finished my response so it’s just been sitting in my drafts. I’m just going to past it as it.

2 notes · View notes

ohmightydevviepuu · 2 years

Text

writers month prompts

day four: melody (follow the complete story, try / cry / why? (just a dream) as it posts daily or on AO3)

–

“You chose her,” Cora intoned. “And the consequences of that decision.” (2B canon divergence wherein Emma and Killian deal with the consequences.)

It’s only when the door is closed behind her that Emma can take a goddamn breath, a sigh of gratitude for the physical barrier between her and him for the first time since they came face-to-face .

The first time she’s had to acknowledge that maybe it hasn’t just been her imagination, because obviously he was still in the Enchanted Forest.

(Only---he wasn’t.)

(The worst of it is that if she thinks about it, is honest with herself, she knows, maybe even to the minute, exactly how long he’s been here. With Cora.)

(Because it’s real, this connection---this curse.)

Fucking Cora.

Since he’s here, and so is she, and obviously Archie---yeah, Emma and the entire freaking town owe Regina one hell of an apology.

(She pretends not to hear it, the melodic chuckle in the back of her head, the ‘clever lass’, because fuck literally all of that.)

(She knows she should say something, push back; something like oh now we’re acknowledging Cora’s presence, but that will just make it worse, so---nope.)

(Fuck. That.)

Emma takes off from the door and down the hallway.

Keeps walking.

(Distance helps.)

Speaking of distance---or maybe things that don’t help---which isn’t fair, but.

But.

“...you understand that computer hacking and pickaxe hacking are different?”

There is something to be said for the looks of relief on their faces, at least, when she walks into the lobby---away from him---and takes the cell phone. It’s a job, her job, and she is good at it.

It’s how she survived, all of these years, without this. Without them. Maybe she can’t shoot an ogre with a bow or cast a magic spell (yet?) and maybe it still hurts to walk in on her parents fucking like horny teenagers when she is twenty-nine years old and in the goddamn room but here, at least, these are her people. The good guys, the heroes, and she can do her damn job.

So Emma takes the phone from David and plugs it in to the flash drive she keeps on her keychain, but before she can say anything else or even start the program the conversation has already moved on, and her mo---Mary Margaret---and David are clearly the ones in charge.

“Anyone could drive in,” David says. “Why are my instincts telling me that’s a bad thing?”

“Um, because everything that happens here is a bad thing?” Emma mutters to herself. “But sure, I can see how they’d be out of practice after twenty-eight years in a magically-induced coma.”

(She feels his laughter. Again.)

(It shouldn’t feel like this, like a song stuck in the back of her skull, a melody only they know the lyrics to.)

“His friends and family are going to come looking for him soon,” Mary Margaret says, full of empathy and wariness---and an eye on Emma that she does not care for.

(Friends and family, she says.)

(Mary Margaret says that.)

(Mary Margaret. Who wants to move out.)

(Her mother wants to leave. Again.)

(People. Always. Leave.)

The phone in her hand suddenly feels smaller, her fingers curling around it making her knuckles white; pressure building in her fingertips.

She can---almost---see sparks.

(No. That’s not---no.)

@spartanguard @optomisticgirl @shireness-says @profdanglaisstuff @katie-dub @thisonesatellite @kmomof4 @mariakov81 @tiganasummertree @gingerchangeling @betweengalaxies2 @justanotherwannabeclassic @thejollyroger-writer

#cs fic #writersmonth2022 #canon divergence #2b #therapy is fine but telepathy is cheaper

11 notes · View notes

bellatrixobsessed1 · 2 years

Text

Three Little Changes (Part 15)

I mentioned a few chapters back that I might put a pause on this fic and start a different one because I'm just not vibing with this one as much. I'm kind of leaning towards doing that. While I don't hate how this fic is going, I'm starting to think that I will eventually if I keep pushing with it. I'd rather put it on hold then put out chapters that I feel are lackluster/not on par with my usual work. With this fic I just feel like I haven't really been hitting the emotional scenes as well as I usually do so I'm probably going to work on another one for a while and come back to this one when the inspiration hits.

I hope that everyone reading will understand this decision.

There is a hum in the hallways, an itching, an excited tickle. The one that comes exactly once a year. It begins at on monday as a faint twitch, but by friday it is a full blown sensation. The air is full of promise and thrill. Anticipation for that sublime two months of freedom.

Jet talks about a vacation to his summer home across the globe set to end the summer. Chan stands on the lunch table, enduring glares from Long Feng as he announces his annual midsummer barbeque. The one he holds every year when his parents take their yearly resort retreat.

Somehow they still haven’t found out about a thing. Somehow the place is always in tip top shape by the time their cruise ship pulls back into Caldera Coast.

This summer he swears will be the best one yet. He says that every year. Katara never believes him. It is only their freshman summer, they will only be sophomores next year. It’s hardly monumental.

She can’t imagine that next year will be more exciting than this year had been. She sure hopes that it won’t be. Not if excitement is anything similar to Azula’s narrowly avoided catastrophe. The girl in question is coming down the hallway with an armful of papers and a look of purpose in her eyes. Gossiping classmates part without question. And Katara finds that isn’t all too worried about a repeat of that near disaster these days. Azula seems rather content with her new look, her new persona; this formal attire dashed with a youthful touch of punk.

“What is all of that?” Katara gestures the papers.

“All of the stuff that I’m going to burn during Chan’s bonfire.”

“Chan’s bonfire?”

“Right, you were never invited to his parties.” She says bluntly. “Every year at his bonfire everyone tosses all of the previous year’s school work into the fire. All of those assignments that were particularly unbearable, ones with bad grades, things of that nature.”

“You hate a lot of assignments.” Katara quirks a brow.

“Oh, these are mostly Zuzu’s. I need to keep all of my classwork–I might need it again.” She shrugs. “But I have to burn something.”

“And Zuko doesn’t mind?”

Azula passes her a few of the topmost pages. Katara flips through them; most of which are blank or only partially filled.

“He won’t miss any of it.” Azula shrugs. She frowns at the papers in her arms.

“What’s wrong?”

Azula’s brows furrow. “I think that he’s going to drop out.” Her grip on the pages tightens ever so slightly. “Maybe I should have helped him with that history paper…”

“What Zuko does isn’t your fault. Just like it wasn’t my fault when Sokka stopped studying astronomy because ‘sports are way cooler’.” Katara shakes her head. “He doesn’t even like sports. Anyways they’re our older siblings they should be making sure we don’t do ridiculous things, not the other way around.”

“Zuko can’t even watch himself…” Azula grumbles.

“Well, he has all summer to change his mind and step it up.”

“Right…” nothing in her tone sounds optimistic.

“So what are your plans for the summer?” Katara changes the subject. “You’re probably going to be busy this year with all of your new friends.”

Azula shrugs, biting her lip. “I was invited to a lot of parties and summer houses, yes.” She confirms.

“But?”

She shrugs. “Father has other ideas for me. It’s okay though!” She adds quickly. “Aside from Chan’s parties–which are pretty boring, if you were curious–I don’t really do large social gatherings.”

Katara cracks a smile. “You’re nervous!”

“I am not.” Azula folds her arms across her chest.

“You didn’t think that you would get this popular, did you. And you have no idea what you’re doing?”

“I am not nervous.” She insists.

“If you say so.”

“At any rate, I’m not interested in most of the people who invited me anyhow. They only started talking to me because I threw glitter at Star and some other stuff…” She pauses. “Admiration isn’t the same as…” she furrows her brows. “Talking to them doesn’t feel like talking to you, Mai, TyLee, and Chan.”

“Other stuff?” Katara quirks a brow.

Azula shrugs. “I saw Star at the mall and slipped a few lipsticks into her purse. Everyone thought that it was funny. Except for she and Lian of course. And mall security.”

“You’re terrible.”

“She deserved it.”

Katara tries not to laugh. Geez, the last thing that Azula needs is someone to enable her devious antics. “Wait a minute, what do you mean by talking to all of these new people doesn’t feel like talking to me?”

She gives another shrug. “I guess talking to everyone else feels…inauthentic. They wouldn’t like me if I liked reading a little too much, if I did my hair the wrong way, if they knew how much I enjoy history and debate…”

“Oh I’m pretty sure everyone is aware of that.”

Azula rolls her eyes. “They wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t athletic to go with that. Or if I, brought a gun to school and made a sport of that.”

“Azula!” She exclaims. “That’s kind of messed up! You can’t just say that!”

“Exactly.”

“Exactly, what?”

“If I made a joke like that to any of these new people who suddenly want me to come to their ridiculous parties they would stop talking to me right away. And then it would get around that I’m actually adopted and that I killed several people at some school in Ba Sing Se.” She pauses. “You, Mai. TyLee, Chan…you guys don’t do that to me. You all let me say what I say.” Another pauses. “Well the other three do. You like to say stuff like, ‘Azula no!’. But you don’t look at me like I’m crazy. And that’s after what you saw.”

“You’re different, Azula. It’s refreshing. But a lot of people just don’t get that. They don’t like giving different a chance because rooting for someone like TyLee is easy. She’s bubbly and sweet and it’s comfortable for people.”Katara replies. “And then there’s you and you’re…you’re just all sorts of things and I think that it confuses people.”

“It doesn’t confuse you, Mai, and TyLee.”

“Mai and TyLee grew up with you; they understand you. Believe me, I am confused by a lot of stuff you say and do.” Katara laughs. “But I also like getting to know you. The you that isn’t…you know…an absolute nightmare.”

Azula stuffs her hands into her pockets. “Thank you, Katara. This is why talking to you feels different. It’s…”

“You can say the word ‘friendship’ you know?” Katara quirks a brow.

Azula furrows hers. Her bemused look is almost laughable. It would be if the implications weren’t so thoroughly depressing. “We’re friends?”

“Yeah, Azula.” She puts a hand on Azula’s back. “I kind of figured that you would have figured that out by now.” She pulls Azula into a tight hug.

.oOo.

Ozai is still awake when she gets home. It isn’t as though she had expected him to be asleep. On the country, she had assumed that he would still be at the table waiting to ask her how signups went and when the summer programs will officially begin. He observes her approach with his chin resting upon his clasped hands.

She isn’t ready to tell father what she has done yet; rather what she won’t be doing.

“Well?” He asks.

“It went well.” She lies. “They will be emailing me the start dates and locations shortly.”

His smile looks so authentic, he is actually proud of her, thoroughly pleased and excited for her and all of the doors he thinks she has opened for herself. He clamps a hand over her shoulder and squeezes. “You’re shaping a stable, successful future for yourself.”

It makes her wish that she had just told him the truth. To hear him yelling, to have him throw her out with a declaration that he won’t be speaking to her ever again–those things she had anticipated, she had prepared to protect herself from that.

This…

This makes her second guess

This makes her wonder if she is making a deep mistake. .

Perhaps she has been shortsighted. Perhaps she has thrown away her future and for something that may well just be a quick summer fling or something that will end miserably when Katara finds someone gentler and more compassionate. She is nearly certain that she has enough intelligence and skills to get her into the schools she’d like to attend. At any rate she still has nearly three years to sign up for more prep courses.

But there is a nagging in her mind.

A sense that today has been the start of the end of her aspirations.

It has been a long time since he has done so, but tonight Ozai hugs her. He strokes her hair and he promises her that he has big plans for her. For the both of them. That he is ready to take his pearl diving business and expand it.

He tells her that she has proved that she is ready to help him run a company in the making.

She has proved to herself that she is good at making a mess of things; ruining a path that had been so clear and easy.

And suddenly it isn’t so hard for her to imagine herself smoking pot in an alleyway with Ruon and winding up in a cell near Zuzu’s.

She misses Zuzu.

She misses mother.

She misses how things were before the second accident.

She misses when father was only just beginning as a pearl diver.

She misses the simplicity. When there were no expectations. When there was no mansion, just a little shack on the beach. She hardly remembers that time. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard for her to accept that she might be heading right back to something like that, and this time without father, mother, and brother.

#Avatar the Last Airbender #Azula #Katara #Azutara #Fanfiction

6 notes · View notes