#my friend who has a similar health issue just with more presentation had to give up art almost entirely

[vaguelyhauntedcornfield]

Okay but like I really need to rant about this a bit so like spoilers for ep 3 of tlou below but like

idk I’ve never played the game so I had no idea what to expect going into this, but when Frank showed up, I was like “I can’t tell if Bill is going to kill him or marry him.” WELL. Nick Offerman did such a GOOD job of looking on guard and uncomfortable. His shoulders are like up to his ears the entire meeting sequence and it made me so jumpy, and then we skip 3 years and he’s so visibly relaxed. And my heart started to melt. And I found myself so enamored with these two men who, against all odds, found love in a situation where that should have been impossible. Frank was the last alive from a group fleeing a collapsed quarantine zone, Bill a preper who had decided to be alone long before the pandemic even started. We expect Bill to die the whole time--comments about him getting old faster than Frank, getting shot by raiders. The jump to Frank being sick...they showed so much through his paintings. You weren’t expecting it, and they showed you through his art how his illness has been progressing, and how him being able to see that himself affected him. They showed how Bill broke down and made a deal with Joel to get medicine despite saying he never would. This show. THIS SHOW. I was sobbing up until Bill became weirdly calm during the dinner, because I realized he’d made the decision too. They died on their own terms in a world where that had become nearly impossible. They had a beautiful life together in a world where that had become a pipe dream. Two characters that we never even meet thru the main characters, not in the present day, but who matter so much.

#also i have a lot of feelings as a chronically ill artist about everything with Frank (not bad ones! just like i feel a lot 🥲) #it hit close to home #honestly bill resonated with me too but not bc of the preper conspiracy theorist part lol #more bc of the self-imposed solitude and not seeking out relationships #i know from other posts that this is nothing like how they were in the game but this seems like such an improvement tbh #like this episode deserves awards for how much it hit me in the feels #tlou hbo spoilers #the last of us spoilers #it's 5 am so like i am not coherent but i also cannot sleep #idk how we got my horror-hating mom hooked on this show and now we're making her sob over gay romance like #that right there tells you this show is good lol #i feel like i could write an entire book on how illness can impact art and handwriting #my handwriting became that of an entirely different person when i started to get sick #my drawings changed too #tho maybe not in a way anyone but me noticed #my friend who has a similar health issue just with more presentation had to give up art almost entirely #idk it's a kind of hard i can't explain and that i dont think you can understand unless you've experienced it yourself #seeing the progression of your symptoms in the things you create #seeing how you're unable to hide it even with care #idk man #it's honestly an emotion i dont think i could name #but i feel it so strongly every time i look at more than a few lines i've written by hand #or at a page of studies ive drawn #i feel like they never made frank a tragic character. they never made illness tragic #they just made it real #the tragic theme was the idea of one without the other and it went both ways #they hit on that repeatedly throughout the ep #and in the end they didn’t have to face that tragedy #idk i feel like it’s one of the few depictions of chronic illness/terminal illness ive seen that doesn’t play the illness as tragedy #and i found that…refreshing

[buckyseddie]

unexpected chances

pairings — logan (james) howlett x fem!mutant!reader, featuring bff!rogue x bff!fem!mutant!reader

summary — in which, there was always something there, but after unexpected circumstances, something changes.

word count — 8.5k.

warnings — ANGST, fluff, reader and logan having a BIT of an age-gap because i’m a sl*t for him and i wanted to write the reader’s age similar to mine (i know, i know, i sound like a psycho), use of pet-names [sweetheart, babydoll, kid], this is in the timeline from before the logan movie, just like logan, the reader has her own fair share of trauma, mentions of reader having serious mental health issues and HUGE anger issues, mentions of abusive relationship with parents, mentions of reader having a teeny, tiny bit of a crush on and having romantic feelings for logan in the past AND the present, mentions of reader taking some lives due to her out of control powers in the beginning of finding out that she was a mutant, mutual pining but also both reader and logan having denial phases and both refusing to accept that there’s something more to their relationship, rogue kind of being unfair to reader, but really just acting out of concern for her friend (she makes up for it in the end, i promise), KIDNAPPING (by victor of course, because why not), protective!logan, plenty of confessions, forehead touches, kisses, also brief mentions of reader’s powers, logan calling reader hot (yes, i think this is a warning), rogue playing cupid/match-maker.

note — Y’ALL... so, i just started to rewatch all of the x-men movies recently (in order of course!) but my love and obsession that i once had for logan and hugh when i was younger is back. and i thought, what better way to get through that is, not only fake scenarios every night because logan is a very fine-ass character and literally is the loml, but ALSO, maybe make a fic to get most of my thoughts and etc., of him out! anyways, i hope this one is enjoyable. gif and divider creds to owner!

p.s., feedback is very much appreciated and encouraged <3.

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SHE HAD OTHER THINGS TO deal with, rather than ogle the extremely attractive older man that arrived at the school a long while back.

she wanted to, because… come on! that man has no right being so handsome.

but, she wouldn’t — she couldn’t. 

she couldn’t deal with anything other than trying to keep herself in complete control and trying to help others, despite all of the pain she’s caused. 

“[y/n]? is everything alright?” a familiar voice speaks up in confusion and concern in the darkness of the room, completely snapping the young woman out of her thoughts. 

she snaps her head up in surprise, inhaling in relief that it’s just her younger friend — and not the brooding man who seems to always be studying and watching her closely.

“rogue, hey,” she murmurs in greeting, before getting up to walk over to the freezer, searching for her usual tub of ice cream. 

after grabbing a spoon, and she moves to sit down on one of the stools, [y/n] shrugs as she lifts the lid off.

swirling her spoon around, before getting herself a spoonful of ice cream and shoveling the first bite into her mouth, she finally gives the girl stood in front of her an answer, “i’m fine. i promise.” 

she sighs, not believing her for even a second.

“you sure?”

[y/n] stares down at her spoon for a second, before deciding to stick it inside of the tub of ice cream, so that it’s standing on it’s own, before glancing up.

“yes. i’m fine — like always.” 

then, it’s a shock to both girls when heavy footsteps become noticeable, until the famous wolverine is grumpily walking over to the fridge to grab something to drink.

thank god for the secret stash of beer he hid in there prior to when he’d first arrived at the mansion. 

“hey, logan. can’t sleep?” rogue asks the man with a tired smile placed on her lips.

he grunts in acknowledgement as the other girl shrinks into herself and becomes too quiet. 

both rogue and logan notice this immediately. 

with a sigh, [y/n] goes to dig further into her ice cream, in order to ignore looking up at her friend and the older man. 

“really, [y/n]?” 

“w—what?” she stutters, mouth now full of a scoop of ice cream, beginning to finally look up.

she quickly becomes confused as rogue wears an annoyed expression.

as he notices the tension growing between the two girls, logan can’t help finding his stomach tied in knots at the adorably confused look on [y/n]’s face. 

then, he shakes his head, trying to rid himself of those thoughts and forcefully focuses on drinking his beer.

“i know you’re hurting. why won’t you just admit it?”

irritation burns beneath [y/n]’s tough-guarded walls, but she doesn’t show it.

she just frowns, before speaking in noticeably irritated tone of voice. “i’m fine. why won’t you accept that?”

rogue rolls her eyes.

“because i know — everyone knows — the truth. and i won’t sit here and watch my friend destroy herself!” she exclaims in pure irritation. 

logan, who just wanted to relax for a bit before trying to get back to bed, stands awkwardly, fully not expecting the conversation to get so tense. 

but, as he sees the hurt look in [y/n]’s eyes, he sighs.

“kid, why don’t you calm down a bit? getting upset with each other isn’t going to fix this situation.” 

he steps towards rogue, placing a light hand over her covered shoulder, trying to get her to calm down.

but, she only angrily shrugs off his hand and takes one more look at her friend frustratedly. “don’t come crying to me when you lose everyone. again.” 

then, she storms off.

as she watches her friend walk away from her, [y/n] takes in a deep breath, trying to ignore the blurring tears that begin to cloud up in her eyes.

with another sharp breath, she ignores the stare of logan as she frowns. 

she knows that she doesn’t actually want to lose anyone else, even if she is pushing everyone away.

but, what else can she do? she’s just too dangerous, and she knows deep down that she doesn’t deserve anyone’s love or worry. 

biting down on her bottom lip once again, she places her spoon down beside her tub of ice cream on the table.

then, she rapidly blinks away the tears, the best that she can, before grabbing the lid and placing it back on the top, and walking over to the freezer to put it back inside. 

then, as she walks over to the sink with her spoon in hand, she’s completely aware of logan’s eyes on her, watching her every move, while she rinses the spoon off, before setting it down in the sink. 

she places her hands against the counter as she leans against it, the newly fresh tears appearing again. 

suddenly, it becomes hard to breathe as she tries to ask herself if pushing everyone away really is the answer.

but, she knows that she doesn’t see any other way. 

“you know… she’s right.” logan states, crossing his arms over his bare chest.

hearing this, she sighs in irritation.

“and why… do you say that, logan?” she asks tightly, trying to keep the frustration out of her voice as much as possible.

she still stays leaning against the counter, back facing him. 

“she shouldn’t have said it like... that, but she’s right. if you keep pushing everyone you care about away, you’re going to lose them. and then, you won’t have anyone left — you’ll be completely alone.” 

with a frustrated sigh, [y/n] finally turns around. “did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, that’s the whole damn point?”

logan raises a brow at her, becoming shocked by her answer.

“and why is that?” 

she groans, rolling her eyes, before raising her hands up in the air in complete and utter frustration. “maybe… because i don’t deserve for people to still care, okay?” 

her voice finally wavers in emotion, making it all too obvious of how much she’s been hurting — how she’s really just a good actor when it comes to hiding her feelings. 

he sighs, waiting for her to continue on. 

“you want to know why i’m like this? why i insist on being alone? it’s because i’ve hurt people — i’ve even killed people before. so, don’t stand there and ask me why i do this, like it’s the strangest thing in the world. because we both know that you understand how it feels to have hurt people and not want to get more people close to you because they could get hurt.” she exclaims, rolling her eyes when his eyebrows furrow together in confusion.

“that was because you didn’t have control over your powers, back then. that’s not your fault, you know.” he states, stepping forward after realizing how hurt the young woman really is.

“yes, it was! logan, you don’t get it! no one does. i didn’t just lose control of my powers! i snapped, okay? the things i heard being said to and about me, and the things people did to me, it made me so angry. i felt full of hatred. and… i could feel it all so intensely — i could feel the darkness taking over. i wasn’t that same happy girl i once was — i was evil. and i still am.” she exclaims again, not really caring who hears the conversation anymore. 

i mean, everyone is — except for logan and rogue, and the professors, of course — already terrified of her. and rightfully so.

so, it’s not like she needs to worry about anyone finding out the truth, because everyone already knows it all.

or, at least that’s what she thinks.

logan sighs, going to walk over to her to comfort her, but she flinches, before backing away.

“n—no. please. don’t touch me. everyone just needs to stop treating me like i’m the innocent victim. because i’m not. okay?” 

tears fill her eyes, once more, as logan freezes in his place, an overwhelming amount of worry over the young woman completely consuming him.

he doesn’t ever want to admit it, but ever since he met her, he’s grown very protective of her.

then, she brushes past him, the feeling of not being able to breathe becoming more intense and hard to ignore.

it looks like that night will be another sleepless night filled with not only a wild panic attack, but also, nightmares. 

as he watches her rush off in the direction of her room, logan sighs.

she’s right.

he knows exactly what it feels like.

but, seeing that it’s hurting her — and rogue — to do it, makes him see it in a different way. 

—————

THE NEXT FEW WEEKS ARE miserable for [y/n].

she makes a point to avoid both rogue and logan. 

what she doesn’t understand though, is why logan had seemed so concerned for her well-being.

even though, that conversation got a little too personal and intense for the both of them, it’s not like either of them are even that close.

so… why did he care so much?

even if she is curious about it, she’s not going to risk another conversation with him, just because she wants answers.

it’s not worth it. right?

but, one thing she does know, is that both rogue and logan were right — she finally is all alone.

and now? she doesn’t know what to do with that information. what can she do with that? 

it’s not like she actually wants to be alone — it’s just how she acts and perceives herself as.

and it’s mostly because she knows she has to protect everyone from herself. especially, when she feels so damn dangerous. 

walking through the halls one morning, still in the process of ignoring and avoiding her only friend and the older man that she always seemed to secretly like, she keeps her head ducked down. 

then, something — or rather, someone — crashes into her side.

it causes her to lose her balance and for all of her carefully organized things to tumble out of her arms. 

the sound of the crash catches everyone’s attention — this much, [y/n] realizes. considering, she’d been walking through the main room — the living room — of the x-mansion.

even a few teachers look over in concern at the sudden noise.

rogue is hanging out with bobby when she hears the crash.

even as she sees her friend bending down to nervously and shakily grab her things, she can’t help feeling guilty for how she’d treated her that night, and how she’d left her so easily. 

but, that guilt and regret soon morphs into worry in only seconds when she realizes who had purposely rammed their body into [y/n]’s.

as she moves to stand back up, her things safely tucked into her arms and pressed against her chest, [y/n] opens her mouth to let out repetitive apologies for her clumsiness.

but, as she sees who it is that had ran into her, she gapes as ashamed tears begin to cloud her eyes. “m—mom? w—what… what are you doing here?” 

the woman stood before her glares at her.

“i came here to see if there’s anyone else you’ve hurt along the way. other than your father, of course.” there’s no worry or concern in her tone of voice, though, whatsoever. 

[y/n] gulps nervously, trying to ignore her mother’s hurtful words — being insulted or aggravated always leads to her losing control of her powers and her anger. 

once she sees the way the woman is making her best friend hurt so badly in a matter of seconds, rogue begins to step forward.

but, her boyfriend seems to understand what she’s about to do, and grabs her arm.

“wait. maybe you shouldn’t get involved.” 

rogue stares at bobby in complete and utter disbelief.

“are you serious, right now? bobby, she’s my best friend. i can’t just sit by and watch as her mother digs her stupid little comments at her.” she tells him, not being able to help feeling so offended that her boyfriend is asking her to stay out of it.

with a sigh, bobby defeatedly lets go of her arm.

he watches nervously as rogue walks over to stand beside her friend.

“no offense, ms. [y/m/n], but you need to leave. you’re not welcome here, and you have no right to walk in here and try to hurt one of this school’s best mutants.” she spits the words out venomously, shocking [y/n].

“rogue—” [y/n] starts to say, worried that her saying something like that to her mother might make things worse, even if she does appreciate her defending her. 

“no. this whole situation has gone way too far. you don’t deserve to be treated like this, and i am sick and tired of her treating you like you did something wrong!”

“please, rogue—”

“no! i know you think you did something wrong and that you’re damaged. but, you’re not. you did everything you could to protect everyone and you still are. and the people you’ve hurt? that’s not on you — you couldn’t control your powers and it’s about time that you realize that and accept it.” rogue finishes saying, turning to face her friend. 

[y/n] senses the tears beginning to cloud her eyes, but this time — unlike any other time — she doesn’t bother trying to hide them. 

then, rogue turns back to face her friend’s cruel mother, a stony look in her eyes. “and it’s about time that she gets that, too. because this whole ‘marching in the school to humiliate and torture you’ thing isn’t happening. ever again. at least, not when i’m around.”

for a moment, [y/n] forgets about her mother completely; she just stares at her friend in surprise and awe. 

a gentle smile makes its way to her lips.

all she knows now, is that she has an amazingly loyal friend — the best friend she’s ever had. 

“t—thank you, rogue. for… saying that.” 

the two girls share the same platonically caring look, before remembering of [y/n]’s mother’s annoying presence standing in front of them. 

“you two make me sick. the fact that you don’t see that she will destroy you and everything you’ve ever loved is embarrassing.” 

before she can say anything else, or for [y/n] to fully react to her mother’s angry words, logan, who’d been standing with the other teachers, steps forward with a hard look placed on his face.

“alright, that’s enough. you’re not welcome here — you need to leave. now.” 

[y/m/n] scoffs in disbelief and disgust.

“you are all fools!” she yells, before she begins to walk towards the entrance doors to the school. 

[y/n] sighs in relief as soon as her mother’s back is facing her.

she turns to both logan and rogue with an expression full of appreciation. 

“t—thank you — both of you.” she barely even says it with more than a whisper and almost struggles to even get the words out — she still feels guilty for the way she’d treated the both of them. 

rogue nods and smiles, placing her hand over her friend’s shoulder to show her response, while logan simply nods in acknowledgement. 

but, the three of them had celebrated a little bit too soon.

because, in only a few moments, her mother turns back to face her with that same disgusted expression placed on her face.

“you know… they might accept you now. but, eventually, they will turn on you and then, you’ll have no one left on your side,” she begins to say, finding satisfaction in the hurt look that takes over her daughter’s face. 

“when that happens, i won’t be there to comfort you — you’ll be utterly and completely alone and miserable.” 

she smirks when [y/n]’s breath catches in her throat and she finally allows the tears to fall.

then, she breathes heavily, before sharply turning around and running in the direction of her room.  

with an annoyed sigh, rogue turns to the spiteful woman standing at the door.

“you just have to make everyone else miserable, too, huh?” after spitting out those words, she races off in the direction of where her friend had rushed off in.

logan clenches his jaw as he glares angrily at [y/n]’s mother. 

he had known that her mother wasn’t exactly supportive of the start of her mutation — everyone knows that part — but it seems, he underestimated the situation.

because… no wonder [y/n]’s always been so hard on herself.

because when the people who are supposed to always love you unconditionally, no matter what, don’t believe in you anymore, it’s hard to not hate yourself, like they do. 

that’s why she’s so hard on herself and believes that there’s something wrong with her — why she believes that she’s evil.

because of this woman.

she had ruined her daughter’s potential to believe in herself and to lead a happy life, where she isn’t being held back by her past mistakes.

“you got a lot of fuckin’ nerve, you know that? what kind of person finds it enjoyable to torture their child?” he questions, not being able to help feeling so protective of the young girl.

[y/m/n] scoffs again.

“once again, i have to say this. you. are. a. fool,” she annoyedly states, stepping closer to him. “that girl… is not my daughter — not anymore. she is only a monster. and the fact that all of you keep coddling her, proves my point of you all being fools to trust her. she’ll turn on you, just like she did with my family and the countless others that died in what you guys like to refer to as ‘the accident’.”

his jaw ticks, once more, realizing where the terrible, negative mindset of [y/n]’s really came from.

“you have no idea what you’ve done to her, do you?” he tensely asks in a harsh tone of voice as he steps closer to her, all the while trying to keep his emotions and frustrations in check.

the woman simply crosses her arms over her chest, seriously not understanding how so many people are willing to defend her daughter for so long, with no hesitation.

she raises a brow in question, further irritating the hell out of logan.

“do you not realize that you are the exact reason that she hates herself so much? why she refuses to let anyone in, or to allow herself to be happy for just one second? you blame her for what happened, but you should be blaming yourself for it.” 

she scowls, before speaking tightly, “and why should i blame myself when it is her fault that my husband and innocent people are dead?”

“you know why? none of that shit would’ve happened, if you and your family actually took some time to show your daughter that she was loved. maybe, if you had accepted her and showed her that there was nothing wrong with her, maybe, just maybe, those people would still be alive, and maybe, your daughter wouldn’t have lost control and wouldn’t have begun to hate herself. all of that isn’t on her. it’s on you.” he spits out angrily, almost losing his cool.

she rolls her eyes, but logan doesn’t care if his words hurt her.

in his head, she deserves to be hurt in the way that she had hurt her daughter. maybe, even more.

“and stop calling her a monster. because she’s not — she’s far from it. if you actually tried to understand her and get to know her as she is now, you’d know that she’s a good person with a compassionate heart — someone who’s only trying to make up for her wrongs and make people feel safe with her,” he backs away, feeling content with saying what he truly feels deep inside his heart. “but, you won’t. because you refuse to see her as the hero she is.” 

with seeing that his words have gotten to her, he watches smugly as she angrily walks out the door and out of the mansion.

—————

SHE REFUSES TO LEAVE HER room for a week after that.

she just couldn’t bear to face anyone after her mother had practically stormed in and humiliated her in front of the entire school. 

though, the fact that it was logan and rogue, too — that had also witnessed it — is the real reason she hadn’t wanted to face anyone. 

rogue is her best friend and she already always feels like a handful. she didn’t want her to feel overwhelmed with her overbearing issues. 

and logan? well, she could never admit it, but she’s always liked him.

even if there’s a big age gap between the two of them — him being like a hundred years old, and her only being nineteen — she has always feared that he doesn’t think of her like that or that he has a problem with how far apart their ages are. 

but, most of all, she has just always wanted to try to seem tough and strong around him.

so, being insulted in front of him like that — by her own mother? she obviously took that really hard.

and most of all, she just feels too embarrassed to face him. 

rogue had tried countless times to get her friend to let her in.

but, to no avail, she wouldn’t open the door — no matter how many times her friend had begged her to. 

though, logan didn’t bother trying to get her to let him in to check in on her, because he wanted to give her some space, and also, because he knew that she wouldn’t want to talk to anyone for a while.

but, she had to come out for food, eventually.

everyone just needed to be patient.

and eventually, she does. 

once she knows that the coast is clear and everyone has to be in their classes, [y/n] carefully and quietly races into the kitchen to grab her ice cream and a spoon. 

then, she successfully gets to the spacious field of the school, slowly sitting down on the freshly cut grass.

for a few minutes, it’s peaceful as she eats some spoonfuls of her ice cream.

something about being outside — out in the nature and the calm, breezy air — always makes her feel safe and comforted. 

“you just couldn’t resist the nice weather, huh, kid?” an amused, but familiar voice interrupts her moment from behind her. 

she briefly jumps in surprise, before snapping her head over to see that it’s only logan standing behind her. 

he chuckles at her startled expression and actions. “sorry, kid. didn’t mean to scare you.”

rather than talk about the real reason he had followed her outside, she sighs, before grumbling, “i’m not a kid anymore.”

he laughs once more.

although, this laugh leaves her speechless. it’s one of his laughs that’s extremely rare, but in the end, you know it’s genuine from how infectious it is — it’s the type of laugh that also makes you want to laugh with him.

“hey, i know that. trust me, i know you’re not a kid anymore.” he mumbles, after finally being able to stop laughing at her in amusement.

for a moment, he looks her up and done, before his gaze quickly forms into an expression of worry and concern.

“how you doing?” he asks in a soft and gentle voice, hoping that she doesn’t shut him out this time.

but, the two of them being out in the nice weather, proves to be just the thing that eases her into opening up. 

despite feeling scared of being vulnerable with him, she feels safe with him. 

so, she just lets it come out in waves. “mostly… i’m just hurt and embarrassed. all the things my mother said... i’ve already heard and thought it myself. but, i just hate that she said all of that in front of the whole school — everyone already hates me and fears me.”

he doesn’t say anything. he simply just looks at her in confusion.

how could she think that everyone hates and fears her, when that’s just not true? 

“you know that’s not true.” 

she snaps her head up and looks over at him in confusion — and even a little bit of frustration.

“are you serious right now?”

he wordlessly nods, raising a brow as if it’s that obvious. 

[y/n] scoffs.

“logan, i don’t know where you got the idea that they like me. because they don’t. you just don’t see the wary and cautious looks in their eyes when i’m around. or how they’re always watching me and prepared to run off if i snap. trust me, i know fear when i see it.”

now, it’s his turn to be in disbelief and irritation. “sweetheart, you have no idea how much they admire you. do you?”

“what? n—no. no, they don’t… they… hate me.” she mumbles, refusing to believe anything other than that she’s feared by every single person in the world.

he sighs in frustration, once again.

“they don’t hate you,” he states as she finally looks over at him, still confused, but waits for him to explain what he means by that.

“yes, you did some things that you’re obviously not proud of and you’re trying to be better because of it — they see that. but, that doesn’t mean they dislike you or fear you. they’re very fond of you — a lot more than you think.”

her breath hitches in her throat as his honest expression begins to overwhelm her — she can’t tell if he’s actually telling the truth or not. 

still not being able to tell, [y/n] sighs, already completely forgetting about her ice cream that is melting by every passing minute. 

it’s silent for a few minutes.

then, a curious question pops up into her head, causing her to turn to face him with curiosity etched onto her face.

“logan?”

“yeah?” comes his gruff response — something completely normal coming from him.

“how… how were you able to resist the temptation to push everyone away? after all of the things you went through — and did?” she asks, now turning back to look at the sky, before she moves her knees up to her chest and holds them tightly to her chest.

she can’t face him as she asks this question, knowing how much his past still haunts him.

you’d think that he’d get mad at her for asking such a deeply personal question, or not even give her an honest answer.

but, something about her makes him feel comfortable around her — comfortable enough to open up. something that he’s never felt around anyone else before. 

he knows that deep down, she needs his advice.

especially, when they both have had similar experiences in their pasts.

so, he doesn’t hesitate to give her the answer she needs.

he heaves in a deep breath, trying to put the words together, to the point where it actually makes sense. “it wasn’t easy — if that’s what you think. because it wasn’t.”

she nods, turning to face him now.

her brows furrow together as she waits for him to continue. 

“truthfully, it took me a very long time to open up to anyone and actually grow as a person. my past ain’t exactly the most interesting story to be told. my story is gruesome and seriously fucked up — especially the part where i hurt people — i hurt a lot of people.”

after hearing the evident pain in his voice, from thinking back on his past, regret immediately fills [y/n]. 

as he clears his throat, she bites down on her bottom lip nervously, before asking another question, “did it ever go away? the guilt and all of the memories? does it ever get easier to live with?”

he sighs, immediately noticing that talking about all of this is making her more emotional — the unshed tears are proof of that.

“the reminder of it will always be there. you can’t just take those experiences out and they suddenly just don’t exist — that’s not how it works. but, it will get easier and it won’t always be so all-consuming. having people in your life to lean on does help, y’know?”

she groans as she begins to stand up.

“trust me, i’m beginning to learn that.” she mutters it so low that logan almost doesn’t hear her. 

he himself stands, too, watching as she picks up the completely melted ice cream from the ground in disappointment and disgust.

“fantastic. now, i’ve wasted an entire tub of ice cream.” she mumbles annoyedly, before walking over to the only trash can that stands outside, near the doors. 

he watches her in amusement, once more, chuckling at her sarcastic tone of voice and pouty expression. 

hearing his laughs, she turns back to face him with an annoyed glare.

“hey! don’t laugh at me. it’s not funny!” she yells, taking him quite seriously. 

once again, he uncontrollably laughs at her, causing her to simply groan.

she rolls her eyes and decides it’s time for her to just leave already. 

although, when his laughter finally dies down, she hesitates, before turning back around.

“logan… thank you — for the advice. i think it might help.” she says awkwardly as he nods in both acknowledgement and understanding.

“and… for what it’s worth, i think you’re a good man. i know asking about your past probably brought back a lot of the pain. but, i don’t think your past defines you. i hope you know that you make a bigger difference on me and everyone else — more than you even realize.”

with that, she walks back inside, leaving the older man speechless — for once in his life. 

—————

AFTER SOME SERIOUS SELF-REFLECTION, [Y/N] quickly learned that when logan had told her that spending time with the people she loves and cares about helps with dealing with her past and self-loathing hatred towards herself — instead of pushing them away — he meant everyone at the school. 

she knew immediately that rogue would — without a doubt — be one of those people that she could lean on.

she is her best friend, after all. 

that’s how she ends up in her dorm room with her friend sitting beside her.

a look of both shock and excitement is placed on rogue’s face.

then, she squeals as she lightly smacks her friend on her shoulder.

[y/n] wears a confused expression, before it turns pained as she winces, “ow, ro! don’t smack me so hard… ” she mumbles, trying to soothe the area of her shoulder that had just been brutally smacked. 

rogue simply ignores her pain, knowing that she only needs to be concerned if they had a skin-to-skin type of touch situation.

“it’s not my fault you’ve just now decided to tell me about your long-time crush on logan! how could you keep this from me for so long?” 

[y/n] had not only let herself vent out all of what she’d been feeling for way too long to her best friend, but she had also admitted to her hidden feelings for the older man, after having told her about the moment they had just a few weeks ago. 

[y/n] only scoffs.

“that’s what you're concerned about? my feelings for him?”

rogue gives her a look, acting as if it’s all that too obvious.

“yes! now, tell me why you waited until now to tell me about this thing with logan!” 

the young woman sighs in irritation, before answering truthfully, “i didn’t tell you because i know that you guys are close. i mean, he’s practically your father-figure. why in the world would i tell you about my feelings for him? that’s literally like when a girl tells her best friend that she’s in love with her dad! do you know how complicated that makes this situation?”

after a moment, [y/n] finally remembers the last thing her friend had said, “and there is no thing with him! i’m merely just one of the younger adults that lives in this mansion. that’s all.” she mumbles, an edge of her tone filled with sadness.

rogue simply rolls her eyes at her friend.

“it’s not that deep, [y/n]! it would be a different situation if you were underage. but, you’re not. and yes, he’s like a father to me. but, that doesn’t mean that i don���t support this, or that it’s uncomfortable for me,” 

“besides, do you even realize how much he cares about you?” 

the two girls stare pointedly at each other, as if challenging the other to prove that they aren’t lying.

after another minute of her friend still not answering her, [y/n] sighs in defeat.

she ducks her head down. 

“seriously, rogue? i don’t know why you keep going on about this.”

“because you refuse to believe what i’m telling you — which, is the truth!” rogue yells in just a bit of irritation as she throws her hands up in the air in exasperation.

[y/n] groans again. 

“no. he... he doesn’t feel that way about me. so, please, just drop it — don’t give me false hope.”

while the girls had been talking about logan and [y/n]’s relationship that’s so obviously filled with an unspoken connection, logan and jean were talking about almost the exact same thing.

“logan, why won’t you just admit that you love her?” jean asks in defeat, after having tried to get him to admit to his feelings for the young woman for almost an hour.

damn if that man isn’t stubborn. 

he says nothing for a moment.

she raises her brows at him expectantly, waiting for him to give her an honest answer — something that he doesn’t normally do that much. 

“i got no idea what the hell you mean.” is his response.

she sighs, rolling her eyes. 

“you can deny it all you want, but everyone knows how you feel,” she states, before she speaks again in a casual tone of voice, “well, everyone except for [y/n].” 

she shrugs when he gives her both an irritated and confused expression.

“i don’t have feelings for her — i... i can’t.” he mutters, refusing to admit the truth. 

jean sighs, understanding what he means behind that statement. 

“you know... no one would judge you two for being together.”

he grunts in disbelief at that.

because truth be told, he doesn’t care about the age gap — maybe, he did before when they had first met and he had developed feelings he couldn’t comprehend.

not anymore, though. 

however, he does care about what other people may think of it.

it’s not that he cares about people’s opinions about him.

i mean, come on, it’s logan — he could give a shit less about how people judge or perceive him, especially when he has bigger things to worry about. 

but, that doesn’t mean that [y/n] is the same way.

after all that she’s been through, it’s all too obvious that she values what others think of her. 

though, little does he know that the one thing she doesn’t care for people knowing or judging her for, is logan and if they could ever truly be together.

jean sighs at this.

before she can say anything else that could possibly change his mind, she sees that look on his face — the one that tells anyone to shut the hell up.

—————

IF SHE HAD KNOWN WHAT she’d get dragged into — all because she’d stepped outside of the mansion for just a few minutes — she would’ve stayed inside the safety of her room.

[y/n] had recently been stressed out about her feelings for logan and how to deal with them — much like logan himself — so badly that she had to go outside for some fresh air. 

but, little had she known that there was something — or rather, someone, really — outside, waiting for her. 

then, it hadn’t been long before she had a cold hand placed over her mouth to muffle any abrupt sounds as she struggled to breathe under it. 

after that, it was only seconds before the famous wolverine was walking outside, a concerned look in his eyes.

he had been searching for [y/n], worried of where she might be, considering she hadn’t been in her room.

but, when his eyes begin to slowly search his surroundings, he eventually catches the scene before him — the woman he cares for, more than anyone else in the entire world, being held by a familiar past enemy of his.

“what—” he begins to step forward, but the man removes his hand from [y/n]’s mouth and grows out his claws to press down harshly against her throat.

“make one move, and i will kill her, right here, with no fucking hesitation — you know i will.” 

logan freezes in his place, holding his hands up in the air cautiously.

although he’s being careful to not get [y/n] harmed, it doesn’t keep the dark look from forming on his face at the thought of his brother trying to kill the woman he deeply cares about.

[y/n] notices the look in logan’s eyes, immediately putting it together — he knows this man. 

“l—logan? w—who... who is he?” she croaks out, struggling to breathe as the sadistic man’s claws presses harder down on her throat.

as she whimpers in pain, clenching her eyes shut and tears begin to escape down to her cheeks, logan flinches — he hates seeing her in pain. 

“victor, let her go. she’s got nothing to do with this. let’s just talk.” he states both cautiously and calmly, trying to keep himself from doing anything that could harm her.

she cries again as victor draws just a little bit of blood from her neck. 

logan growls angrily at this, his jaw ticking tensely. 

“let her go.” 

his brother’s face turns cold and emotionless, before a smirk takes over his lips. 

“okay.” he says simply, before slamming the end of his fist into the side of her head.

she lets out a small groan as everything goes dark.

then, she falls to the ground. 

“now. let’s talk, brother.”

—————

SHE WAKES UP TO THE voices of which she had heard last before she got knocked out.

“if you touch her again, i will kill you.” 

victor chuckles evilly, obviously not caring at all. 

“she’s that important to you?”

“yes.” logan answers with no hesitation.

as she begins to stand up as quietly as possible, her vision still a bit blurry, his eyes catches hers.

worry quickly fills his as she bites down on her bottom lip and shakily places her pointer finger to her lips, telling him to be quiet. 

“so, you would die for her, then? no hesitation?” victor continues on, drawing his brother’s attention back to him.

he raises an eyebrow. “yes?”

“yes.” logan harshly says, glaring deeply at him in anger. 

as [y/n] looks around for something to use against her potential-kidnapper, she notices a broken branch lying on the ground, nearby.

thank god for that.

the good thing about it, is that it’s thick and has a pointed edge to it. 

it for sure won’t do any real damage to victor.

but, it will distract him long enough to give logan the chance to get the upper-hand. 

although she may be a little concussed, she uses all of her energy to will the thick object to her hands, with just her mind. 

and then, she fully stands up and holds the branch tightly in her hands, trying to quiet down the fear of using violence again. 

but, with a shake of her head, she breathes deeply as quietly as she can, before she races forward and stabs victor straight in the back with it.

he grunts in surprise.

but then, he growls angrily and turns around. 

“victor—“ logan steps forward, seeing the look of complete rage in his eyes.

but, it’s too late.

victor, in a fit of boiling hot rage, pulls her closer to him by clutching her by her throat tightly with his claws drawing more blood and lifting her up into the air, before thrusting his other hand of claws into her stomach. 

she gasps in surprise and chokes on both tears and her heavy breaths.

but, she doesn’t think about dying — even with all of the agonizing pain of the claws twisting deep inside of her.

all she thinks about is logan.

her eyes find his from behind his brother. 

“l—logan... i... i—i love you... ” she trails off in stutters, needing to tell him the truth, before everything goes dark again. 

if she dies, at least she’ll go out with no regrets of not telling him how she feels. 

the next time she wakes up, she’s lying in her bed with a bandage placed over her throat and her stomach — both from where victor had hurt her the most.

she groans, slowly opening her eyes with her brows knitted together in both pain and confusion.

as she looks around the room, she notices both rogue and logan sitting inside the room.

logan sits on the edge of the bed, while rogue anxiously leans against the bedroom door.

when they notice she’s awake, logan goes to stand up, just as rogue moves across the room in lightning speed.

“[y/n]! i’m so glad you’re okay. logan and i were so worried about you,” she murmurs, simply placing her gloved-hands over her friend’s hand, not sure of how she can comfort her when she’s in so much pain. 

then, she smirks, nodding towards the man in the room.

“well, his worry was a lot more intense and overwhelming than mine.”

logan glares at her, causing her to giggle, before holding her hands up in the air in defeat.

then, she sighs. 

“anyways, i have to go back to class. i just wanted to see you when you woke up. and now that i know you’re okay, i can worry a lot less.” 

[y/n] nods, grabbing one of her hands and squeezing it. “thank you, ro — for everything. i don’t know what i’d do without a friend like you.” 

the sweet compliment goes right over rogue’s head, however. “well, i think you should really be thanking logan, since he’s the one who can’t live without you.” she winks at her friend as she flushes at her words.

logan glares at the girl, once again. 

“alright, kid. go on and get outta here already.” he points towards the door, and she takes the hint immediately.

rogue starts walking over to logan. 

“you better not screw this up!” she whispers seriously to him, the two of them both sharing a similar look of irritation over each other. 

logan scowls at her, pointing to the door, once more. 

with a resigned sigh, rogue shrugs and turns back to her friend to give her a little wave. “bye!” 

then, she’s at the door and pulling it open, before walking out and shutting it behind her. 

logan sighs, raising a brow at [y/n]. 

“i didn’t think she’d ever leave.” he chuckles awkwardly as she knits her brows together in confusion.

she doesn’t understand what was just going on between him and rogue.

and honestly?

she’s not sure of what to make of it. 

seeing that his attempt at a joke doesn’t change the look on her face, he frowns. 

“logan... what’s going on?” she asks shakily. 

“everything’s fine. he’s gone — victor’s gone.” he promises, going to sit by her on the bed. 

a trembling breath leaves her lips as she moves to sit up in her bed. 

“is that his name? victor?” her voice cracks as she asks the question — she doesn’t want to admit it, but the fact that she almost died and felt utterly defenseless, has made her feel so much more traumatized than she already had been in the past.

he sighs, ducking his head down in regret. 

“yes. he’s... he’s my half-brother. i thought he was dead.” 

he lifts his head back up to see her reaction.

as the look of surprise floods in her eyes, he sighs. “i’m so sorry that he went after you. it’s all my fault... ”

shock takes over her face as she tilts her head to the side in confusion. 

“wh—what? you think this is your fault?”

he arches his eyebrows in surprise, not understanding how she doesn’t blame him. “you don’t blame me?”

she scoffs — as best as she can through her throat, considering she had claws pressed against her throat, her neck was cut through harshly, and she’d almost been choked to death by an actual psycho-maniac. 

“logan, none of this is your fault. for... ” she trails off, shoving down the new trauma of being attacked by his psychotic brother. 

“for whatever reason... v—victor made his choice. you can’t control that.”

“it is, though. kid, if you hadn’t been involved with me, then he wouldn’t have come after you... ” the troubled look in his eyes only multiplies by every passing second.

[y/n] furrows her brows together, hating that he’s blaming himself. especially, for something that’s not his fault. 

“logan... ”

he shakes his head, already knowing what she’s going to say. 

“no, he knew how i care for you. it’s my fault!” 

without thinking, she grabs his wrist gently, before moving her other hand to hold his.

then, she asks the question she so desperately wants to, “logan? what do you mean by that? how do you care for me?” 

her voice is so soft and quiet that he almost doesn’t hear it. 

“you know how i feel about you.” comes his gruff tone of voice. 

she nervously laughs. 

“no, logan. i—i don’t — i really don’t... ”

“logan,” she says, gulping as she remembers what she had told him just before she went unconscious. 

“you know how i feel about you — i told you how i felt when we were with victor. but, you’ve never been honest with me about your feelings — i don’t know what you feel for me, or even, if it’s the same as mine. so, please, just be honest with me.”

he sighs as her eyes fill with tears, before she numbly nods. 

“right. well, then. i guess... i have my answer.” 

logan gapes at her as she moves to the other side of her bed and gets up.

she limps over to the door, just about ready to ask him to leave. 

but, before she can quite open it yet, he mutters, “fuck this.”

then, he stands up from his spot on the bed and walks over to her in quick strides. 

“fuck. you know i feel the same — you know that.” he murmurs as he grabs her hands and pulls her back with him to the edge of her bed, until he’s sitting down and she’s straddling him.

his hands stay by his sides, unsure of what he can do without over-stepping.

but, as tears cloud her eyes again, he sighs.

his eyebrows knit together in both concern and guilt as he realizes that him holding back on admitting his feelings have hurt her.

“why? why is it so hard for you to just say it? am i that terrible?” she cries, unable to act tough around him anymore. 

“shit... ” he mutters, clenching his fists, quickly becoming angry at himself, once more.

he carefully places his hands around the sides of her neck, being careful to not put too much pressure on it, before leaning his forehead over hers. 

“i’m sorry, sweetheart.” he mumbles, wiping away her tears with a frown placed on his lips.

“i just want you to admit it. you know how i feel about letting people in... and i didn’t want to fall for you — i didn’t want to give you the chance to hurt me. but, i fell anyways.” she whispers, but he can hear her since they’re so close to each other. 

“all of this isn’t easy for me, logan. but, i’m willing to give it a chance... if you are. if you’re not... then, we can’t do this.” she tells him, pulling her forehead away from his.

thinking about the possibility of having to let him go tears her apart on the inside, but she holds it together.

“[y/n]... ” he trails off, his head tilting to the side in shock. 

sighing, [y/n] takes in a deep breath. 

“logan, it’s okay. i understand why we can’t. you... can’t give your heart to anyone else ever again — after everything you’ve been through and all the people you’ve lost. i get it.” she mutters, not being able to help feeling so bitter that they can’t go any further in this relationship. 

but, as she begins to get up and off of him, in a matter of seconds, something switches in logan — the fear of losing her forever overrides his fear of getting close to anyone ever again.

he pulls her back down onto his lap and slams his lips onto hers, causing some shocked mumbles to leave her lips.

logan smirks as he realizes that he’s finally left her speechless. 

[y/n], however, wraps her arms around his neck, now completely melting into this kiss that has grown a lot more heavier and heated. 

when she finally pulls away to catch her breath, her eyes flutter open as a red flush takes over her cheeks. 

he chuckles. “finally got you speechless, huh, kid?” 

suddenly, being a little shy about their moment seems to quickly morph into irritation. 

“how many times do i have to tell you to stop calling me ‘kid’?” she exclaims seriously, lightly shoving his shoulder.

he laughs in amusement.

“oh, but it’s so fun getting you all riled up, sweetheart. besides, you’re hot when you’re mad. you know that?” he winks at her playfully, only trying to lighten the mood and make her feel more comfortable.

she groans, tossing her head back up in the air. “god, logan. really?” 

he laughs again, before his facial expression turns serious. 

“i do want to fight for this, y’know?” he murmurs, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear when she tilts her head back down to look back at him.

“really?” she asks in a small voice, happy tears beginning to form in her eyes. 

he nods, raising a brow at her. 

“yeah... i love you too much now to lose you.” he tells her, giving her the answer she wants, deep down.

her eyes widen in shock, before a smirk takes over her lips. 

“did i hear that correctly? maybe... you should say it again.” she says in a teasing tone of voice, giggling as he grumbles.

“babydoll, i ain’t saying that again. so, you better appreciate it while you can.” he mutters, grunting in surprise as she shuts him up with an excited kiss. 

“i love you, too, logan.” she whispers, smiling happily as she wraps her arms around him in an embrace — a hug, one that logan can’t help but accept immediately, in order to make her happy, once more.

#logan howlett #logan howlett imagine #logan howlett imagines #logan howlett one-shot #logan howlett one-shots #logan howlett x reader #wolverine #wolverine imagine #wolverine imagines #wolverine one-shot #wolverine one-shots #wolverine x reader #hugh jackman #hugh jackman imagine #hugh jackman imagines #hugh jackman one-shot #hugh jackman one-shots #hugh jackman x reader #x-men #x-men imagine #x-men imagines #x-men one-shot #x-men one-shots #x-men x reader #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel imagines #marvel one-shot #marvel one-shots #marvel x reader

[poisonheart]

Replying to @trashlie and @hotdamncomics for their reblogs on this post under a cut so I can spare my friends the walls of text of a comic they're not reading lol.

Trashlie, friend, reblogger of theories and fellow Thursday night feels partner absorbing all the details... you bring up such great points.

But on the other, Yui has spent Kousuke’s entire life gaslighting and manipulating him; it’s only natural that it would be difficult for him to reconcile these two versions of her, and sometimes he’s unable to in the end. 

Every time Yui makes a move she says she does it with either his or their family's best interest in mind. Over and over. Kousuke has seen himself benefit time and time again from her unorthodox methods. And we know that he's not against life being unfair in his favor.

He has never had reasons to doubt that was her only motive, but he isn't a child anymore. He has seen and experienced things she has done that are worse than merely giving him an unfair advantage.

I'm actually curious about how Kousuke would respond if he realized his mother is trying to ruin and remove Rand from the picture.

This is why I so desperately want Rand to connect to Kousuke that evening. Even if Kousuke doesn't immediately believe him and thinks any mushy words mean Rand is disappointed in him (as he thought earlier that night when Hansuke took the call sneakily) the seed will have been planted.

Kousuke might see that he is been a pawn in a power struggle he's never signed up for. He didn't want to reach the top to ruin his father, but to meet him. He didn't want to reach the top to be to busy to spend time with his father, but rather if his father's burden were less, then maybe they would have time to spend together.

Yui's played a game that can backfire on her.

Because if Kousuke doesn't end up resenting Rand for his neglect, for having another family, then she can actually lose her pawn to him.

Especially if Kousuke uncovers that his mother sabotaged whatever closeness they could have had.

I really need Rand to be able to reach to at least one of his sons before the time skip. Even if it's just to plant a seed.

If Yui wanted to ensure that Nol never stood a chance against Kousuke, then damaging not only the way others see him but also the way he sees himself was a sure fire way to do it, wasn’t it?

Indeed, psychological manipulation in the hands of professionals with the intent to harm instead of helping is very dangerous.

And it makes me think back on the formal.

We know that Yui could not have predicted Nol's involvement or how things played out with him entirely, but she took the chance when it presented itself.

She knows damn well that Nol doesn't like her touching him, so she crept up on him deliberately to cause the rest of the events to unfold. She's so threatened by his existence that she'd risk her precious heir in order to cause another situation—a very public one—for Nol being unstable and malicious toward Kousuke, the heir.

After all, her son could have sustained far more serious injuries, but she didn't care. Yui was willing to risk it if it meant ensuring Nol had another mark against him.

She could always blame any lingering health issues after that accident on Nol purposefully hurting Kousuke.

Of course, the one who got hurt was Shin Ae, which she could still use against him to at least trigger him to go back to whatever state kept him down and defeated before.

Either way, she took a huge risk, which means she is actually very concerned about Nol's existence.

He is the one who truly gets under her skin, as we've seen.

[That lip quiver at the Christmas party was so satisfying...]

/ / / / /

Okay, so hotdamncomics, yes! I remember you from the kdrama life. Glad to see you have similar taste in comics. You bring up interesting points! I think the formal arc really helped us see the personalities, as well as "core" values (at that time) of the major characters.

Kousuke who didn't help Shin-ae when he tripped her at the formal is his real self, someone concerned foremost by how people see and perceive him than someone else's comfort or safety. He's not a nice and proper gentleman at core. That's a mask, one he put on when he invited Shin-ae to dance to prove a point that he was a gentleman. Even here he's failed to act in her interest regardless if he was genuine. He took priority. Let me fix my previous blunder by offering that poor girl a dance and not so much about proving he wasn't embarrassed of her.

He knew someone like her wouldn't know how to dance but he put her on the spotlight because repairing his image was more important than proving he wasn't ashamed of her. He could have chosen to play the piano with her by his side. It would still draw attention, still show her he's not ashamed of admitting he knows her, but would have placed her comfort ahead of his image.

This is actually a fantastic observation and you proposed a great alternative to inviting her to dance that would have conveyed the sentiment that he knows her and doesn't mind being seen with her without further embarrassing her by offering to partake in an activity he should have assumed she wasn't accustomed or knew how to do.

But, we see this again when Shin Ae's falls. Yes, he is the one closest to grab her when she falls over the railing, but once they hit the pool, he's first concerned with getting himself out and then remembers she's fallen too which is entirely different from Nol's eventual choice.

Nol comes up to air with Shin Ae.

And after the Christmas party arc we were aware that he was dealing with suicidal thoughts in that moment—he wanted to remain there, essentially drown, but seeing her pushed him to go back to his hell.

He didn't deserve the "peace of death."

It's not that I think there is something wrong with people who will prioritize themselves, but it does serve as a contrast between just how different Nol and Kousuke operate.

There have been so many hints that prove Kousuke isn't in fact that kind gentleman—that is part of the persona, of the expectation of a well-rounded heir and the type of man his father would admire.

Kousuke often slips out of that mask, particularly when stressed, to show who he is. A man who says more than he should under the veil of honesty, often hurting or insulting those around him.

"I don't mean to offend," is always said by those who will offend.

Yujing's actions feel too personal and led by revenge to be something shallow. Someone important must have urged her to try for a story that can ruin her career if she doesn't execute it perfectly and with no room for a counter defamation lawsuit.

I think this is actually quite right. We don't know what kind of "terrible situation" Rand helped her out of—but he had a hand in getting her to where she is. Someone who has tasted defeat or loss is protective of security and more prone to self-preservation.

She does have a strong ethic and she mentions she wants to restore faith in journalism by exposing the truth no matter how ugly. It'll be interesting to see what prompted her to take this risk to bring a very powerful woman like Yui down. Perhaps Yujing isn't meant to hit the knock out, but weaken her enough where the others on the board (if we go back to the chess theory) can act.

#i love yoo #non games

[college-girl199328]

No disrespect to her parents — how would they know? — but Anastasia Preston never liked the name they gave her at birth. Even before she began her gender transition five years ago, she said it never felt right introducing herself with what she refers to as her "dead name." Now, she won't even say it out loud.

But Anastasia? That had a nice ring to it. It was the name she envisioned giving one of her kids one day. Instead, at 29, she gave it to herself.

In 2020, 30 people from P.E.I. legally changed their first name, compared with 25 who changed only their surname and 21 who changed both. In 2021, 56 people changed their first name, 37 their surname, and 35 changed both.

In 2022, the trend continued to grow 64 first name changes, 37 surname changes, and 30 changes to both names. Many other people have changed their names unofficially, often for simplicity.

Paul Yin said he moved to P.E.I. from China in 2010, and many people he met had difficulty pronouncing his given name, Fuge. It's pronounced FU-ga, but people kept calling him FU-ji. So when he bought Paul's Flower Shop in Charlottetown in 2012, his name to Paul.

His friend, Erqi Yang, changed his name to Archie, which has a similar pronunciation and doesn't have one.

Yang said many people who move to P.E.I. from China have fun picking their new names. Some will choose a name that shows their sense of humour others will go for an alliterative name that flows well with their Chinese surname or a more traditional name that's short and easy to pronounce. "It is easy to communicate with local people, just like Tom or Jack or Robert, like that," he said.

Yin said most Chinese newcomers don't change their names legally to prevent potential issues travelling back to their homeland. "If we take the passport to China, perhaps for Chinese people it is difficult to recognize, who are you?"

A legal name change can be exhaustive and expensive, Preston said. You fill out forms and present documents such as a birth certificate. Then the person needs to get the new name added to their bank cards, health card and more.

According to Vital Statistics, it costs for a legal change of name. Preston said that cost might prevent someone who is struggling with their given name from changing it. "For instance, I used my name socially as Anastasia before I had it legally, but my work had to process everything under my dead name. Medical appointments — they would call out my name that I at birth," she said.

Preston's advice for people thinking about changing their name: Do it if it makes you happy. And for parents: "It's not personal. They don't like the name, and that's OK."

Preston did choose Sarah, her grandmother's name, as one of her new middle names. It's what her parents planned to call her if she had been born cisgender. "The whole naming process is because it's this other person who, although they love you and you are their child, call you for the rest of your life."

[starleska]

when Logic twists: an analysis of Logan, cognitive distortions, and a future Side

spoilers ahead! this is a little deep-dive into some foreshadowing in the latest Sanders Sides episode, and what i believe the team are going for in terms of Logan’s arc. just some thoughts i had after the episode - i hope you enjoy, and would love to hear your thoughts too :) tw for discussion around mental illness, trauma, abuse, intrusive thoughts, therapy, etc. 

so, we all know that Thomas does a marvellous job portraying difficulties with mental health. he uses interactions between his Sides to carve out fun stories that dramatise the the internal struggles which come with facing complex situations, including those which arise from your specific history and mental illnesses. the writing behind Sanders Sides often uses consideration of real symptoms and therapeutic techniques in order to impart useful advice to the audience who may be struggling with similar issues. with all of this in mind, i thoroughly believe that a good chunk of you are correct about this new Side (foreshadowed in Logan’s eyes) being Wrath, or some variant of Stress or Anger, and here’s why: 

Logan is the side of Thomas which is constantly needing to pick up the slack. not only does he spend a good deal of his time de-escalating conflict between the other Sides, he is constantly letting his own dreams (and consequently, needs) fall by the wayside to comfort, validate and assist Thomas' overall desires. we even literally see him benched during the court case with Janus - his input is considered unimportant unless he is deemed as the voice of reason. with this understanding, Logan is viewed by the other Sides as a Side who doesn’t need help. He’s Logic, so they believe he always knows what is appropriate, and how to control himself - or even that he doesn’t need to control himself at all.  yet i don’t believe this to be the case, and i think ‘Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts’ foreshadows this in an intriguing way: by utilising the dynamic between Logan and Remus. for context, i am speaking as an individual who suffers from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), a form of PTSD. whilst the Thomas we know in the Sanders Sides universe is of course somewhat sanitised and simplified for the easier imparting of moral lessons, we know that this Thomas suffers from issues with intrusive thoughts, low self-esteem, and high anxiety. whether or not these can all be attributed to an underlying condition is irrelevant, but what is intriguing is whether these symptoms are being exacerbated by traumatic, triggering or otherwise stressful events affecting Thomas’ life - which, based on the direction ‘Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts’ went (using the relationship with Nico as a conduit), i think is true. when you experience a number of traumatic events or an acute amount of stress, your Logic can become faulty. let’s think about Logan not as a super-genius who just knows what is the correct thing to do all of the time: his knowledge comes from a bank of information and experiences, which he constantly uses to provide a ‘rational’ stance next to the more ‘emotional’ traits of each Side. yet Logic relies on evidence in order to build up this ‘rationality’. let’s think about a scenario wherein you are told every day by someone that you are ugly. now, if this occurred later in life, your Logic might have already rationalised that this is not the case - that you are beautiful just as you are, that this person is seeking to hurt you, that they are projecting, etc. your Logic would make those reasonable counterpoints based on past experience. however, if you were told by multiple people throughout your life, every day, that you are ugly - say, from caregivers, or close friends - you would internalise ‘i am ugly’ as part of that internal Logic. in the first scenario, you would be able to accurately evaluate the thought, ‘i am ugly’ as a cognitive distortion. however, in the latter scenario, you may be unable to, because you have this bank of ‘evidence’ that other people perceive this as reality. even if those people are abusers, or have an ulterior motive, the notion will be internalised and become your reality - so your Logic will say, ‘i am ugly, based on all of the evidence.’  i find this interesting because in this latest episode, they specifically had Logan call attention to cognitive distortions. we must remember that Logan is a part of Thomas. this is Thomas attempting to rationalise with himself, to implement mindfulness and CBT techniques which he knows to be successful, because they have worked in the past and he has it on scientific authority that they help with intrusive thoughts. but this leads us to a question: what happens when you experience so many traumatic events, or so much stress, that your Logic turns against you and begins to validate your intrusive thoughts?  imagine for a moment Logan’s awesome rational power - but levied in support of all of Thomas’ deepest fears. in my own experience with CPTSD, a horribly thorny mental trap is the one you fall into when you start down the path of ‘i must be a horrible person, just like they said. i must have deserved everything done to me. look at all of the evidence.’ these thoughts often appear rational due to the intense nature of the sufferer’s pain, particularly if that pain is repeated or prolonged. i believe that Logan’s outburst, paired with Thomas’ fretting over not receiving a call back from Nico, are supposed to represent the building stages of this mental trap. such thoughts are difficult to emerge from, but they become even more difficult to deal with when met with a powerful emotion: Rage. if you have cause to think thoughts of the ‘i am a disgusting human being’ variety thanks to trauma, stress or similar negative events, often there is a good deal of pent-up Rage stored alongside. justifiable Rage, one might say - it certainly feels so in the mind of someone who has suffered so terribly. if one is prone to hating themselves, feeling inadequate or other fertile breeding ground for intrusive thoughts, they may also sometimes snap into the opposite extreme - becoming infuriated by everything that has happened to them, and that they are still needing to deal with yet more pain in the present. this is something i have suffered from personally: when mixed with trauma, it is equal parts emotional dysregulation, and being triggered by something. you might be enRaged by the idea that you were ever ‘passive’ as a victim of something terrible, and want to ‘fight back’. in other words, the emotional state of your Rage will feel justified - and this can cause you to engage in some deeply destructive behaviours. this is why i believe this new Dark Side will be Rage (or an equivalent). Logan’s ‘STOP IGNORING ME!’ speaks of a breaking point brought on by years of fixing other people’s problems, only to receive very little in return. there’s a misconception that people who are ‘good’ at handling stress or fixing other people’s problems (i.e., not showing much of the strain) are simply less stressed as a whole, and therefore should be saddled with yet more stress. Logan’s screaming at Remus, and Remus’ delight at Logan’s response, shows us that Logan is exhausted from all of the hard work that he’s had to do in order to fight Thomas’ intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions, alongside the massive amount of stress in his life. likewise, by giving into his impulsivity and opening up more opportunities for further stress, Thomas has allowed Logan - and his Logic - to become vulnerable to Remus and intrusive thoughts. Logan may have successfully been able to dispel the intrusive thoughts which had no basis in reality (for instance, a murderer hiding in Thomas’ closet) - but what happens if Thomas is given validation for an intrusive thought? in other words - what if Logan feels he has reason to listen to Remus? i believe this Rage has been simmering within Thomas for a long time, and his debut is going to be explosive. there are lots of ways this debut could be written; some have theorised that Logic and Rage will be a kind of antithesis to the Creativitwins, wherein the two are fused as Thomas has internalised his Rage as having a Logical root. this would have Rage not as a separate side, but a kind of version or alternate mindset for Logan, a bit like how he was when in Virgil’s room. i would not be surprised at all for this episode to include both Remus and Janus - Remus, revelling in the intrusive thoughts which Logan/Rage is now allowing to fly free, and Janus, delighting in Logan/Rage’s validation of destructive behaviours, which may well include Deceit. i could also see Virgil being drawn in by this irresistible combination of Anxiety-fuelling thoughts - intrusive thoughts inspiring inadequacy, Deceit inspiring fear of being found out, and the terror of Logic being twisted to validate every fear Virgil has ever had for Thomas. you know when someone has hurt you really badly, and so in your head you come up with countless (awful, unrealistic, hurtful) ways to ‘get back at them’? that’s what i think the next Sanders Sides episode is going to be like.  of course, like Anxiety, Intrusive Thoughts and Deceit, Rage will have his uses too. i believe, if any of this theorising is correct, that the next Sanders Sides episode will follow a narrative discussing if Rage is justified when one is hurt to a massive extreme, and what Logic can one follow when it backs up every destructive impulse. are you being Logical if you are full of Rage? basically, i think Logan (influenced by a breaking point and giving over to Rage) is going to do everything in his power to be destructive, under the idea that it is the only Logical thing to do. i believe he will fall to the horrific power of cognitive distortions and mental illness, and that the other Sides will need to use their strengths to bring him back. anyway, that’s all my thoughts! my apologies for any inaccuracies, or if anything in here was upsetting. i’d love to hear what you think about this, and your own theories! :D take care 💏

#sanders sides #sanders sides spoilers #logan sanders #remus sanders #thomas sanders #starleskatalks

[cowboyjen68]

Recently I’ve been debating getting top surgery. I know that some butches get top surgery and seem happy with the results but I’ve also met some who grew out of their discomfort with time. So I guess I’m debating if I should wait to see if maybe the discomfort around my chest will ease with age or if I should look into getting top surgery. The ones I’ve talked to also had this discomfort about their breast growing during puberty but they said after some time it decreased but for mines it seems like a problem that hasn’t gone away.

I am so sorry for the delay, seems work and side gigs are taking up a lot of my time lately. 

I can only speak from my experience with my body and from other lesbians I talk to... and I talk to a lot. I have many friends across generations. Many of my younger friends are butch but not all. My older friends are a myriad of types of lesbians and as diverse as the greater population. This weekend now that we are all vaccinated we had a campfire with 12 lesbian, 5 butches present. We have definitely had discussions about our breasts, discomfort, and the mourning over loosing breasts to cancer (or the danger of cancer).  Most of my buddies, from 19 to 68 share similar stories about learning to be at least “okay” with their bodies in a world where our physical attributes are often used to define our personality, and our worth. 

One thing we ALL share, as women, not just lesbians, is that we were at best dissatisfied that we have breasts starting as soon as they begin to form. I was 7 when mom told me I had to wear a shirt outside. Wow was I pissed. AND as a 7 years old I knew it had nothing to do with me but everyone seemed just fine with the fact that men were the issue but since we can’t change them we must change our own behavior.

 I remember thinking “how is me not wearing a shirt a problem”. Breasts had been neutral for me at that point. Just another part of my body. Once I realized “they” made me different, more vulnerable, more controlled, less “human” than those around me without breasts I turned my hate on my body instead of the people who really were to blame. Just like I was taught, I can’t control the men but I perhaps I could control my body. 

I have raised at least 10 teenage daughters (2 are lesbians now) my youngest adopted is 15 and when her other mom told her to put on a shirt in the summer of her 8th birthday, even in our rural yard she looked at me dead in the eye and said “why haven’t you fixed this yet?” (meaning women’s bodies being subject to the eyes and opinions of men). I wonder.. why haven’t we? She is the youngest, but all the others grew from hating their breasts to at least neutral, some really love their bodies and that is lovely. 

Lesbians are unique in our dealings of men’s opinions because we never need or want the approval of men in relation to our bodies. The opposite in fact.. we would prefer they see us void of anything they find sexual. Many women, straight, bi, lesbian eventually either learn to give no shits about the opinions of men or they learn to work around that feeling.

Ok.. all that being said, my story. My breasts are B cups, perhaps C’s when I was a bit heavier weight wise. I wore regular bras WITH padding and always as tight as a could to make them less noticeable. When I came out i switched to sports bras because i was embracing being butch and no longer wanted to play the game of wearing  “pretty bra” . I never wore tight shirts, always baggy. I wore the tightest bra I could wear to keep my breasts smaller, less visible. FOR YEARS. 

Going to a women’s festival opened my eyes to the many ways bodies can be. The many ways BUTCH bodies can exist. Women went topless and NO one sexualized them. (except when appropriate-- like while flirting etc when it was welcomed). Thousands of people, many topless and no one, not one person was oogled, cat called, teased, or otherwise treated as different than someone wearing a shirt.  What did they all share? Why was it different than in other places? Women. All women and mostly lesbians. However that did not automatically translate to “I am going back to the real world and giving no fucks about the reality of existing with breasts in our world”. It took time.

I no longer wear a bra just an undershirt. BUT I am in control of where I go, who I interact with most of the time. If I was still at my retail job, I’d probably still wear a bra. I no longer dislike my breasts. I love them. They bring me pleasure, they bring my girlfriend pleasure. They are a lovely part of me BUT that does not mean I am not very aware in public of my nipples being visible or of people noticing I am braless. And I imagine it is harder for women with larger breasts. 

Had binders been a “thing”, had I had access to a double  mastectomy, or the idea of it i cannot say that would have pursued either. The pattern suggests I would have. But again., neither were on my radar, not options presented to me or encouraged as a way to solve my discomfort.

 I have  three friends who have had elective double mastectomies. And many who had one to prevent or remove cancer. Several of them suffer consistent and painful nerve damage that is not treatable, is quite common, is unpredictable (they can’t know who will have it) and possibly life long. Of the three who were trying to alleviate the distress of dysphoria, all three regret the decision and none of them are over 30 yet. These women are all lesbians. Those who had the surgery because of cancer are thrilled to be happy and alive with less worry, although they do deal with nerve issues and mourn the loss of a part of their body. 

I have a few trans men friends, although we are not close. A  couple of them have had double mastectomies but their thoughts or feelings have not come up, we are just not close enough for such a personal discussion and none have had the surgery for more than 2 years.  I have had lots of older lesbians friends (and a few younger) who did get breast reduction surgery and their health and mental health were both improved. Their backs are better, their clothes fit better and they feel more active, less self conscious with out the physical risks of a full mastectomy. 

The easy answer and what I WANT to say, is be patient, find lots of older lesbians friends to show you your body is neutral, men are the problem. Give yourself time to understand that your breasts are as butch as the rest of you. They are a natural part of your body and how you are meant to be. Also, I know there is not an easy answer. Men will continue to exist. They will continue to sexualize lesbians (with or without breasts). I didn’t outgrow wishing my breasts could just disappear(in public settings) until my 40′s but it got easier and easier to sort of “live with it”. I am many times over grateful for my healthy breasts now. 

Seek therapy.. and not someone who will just go along with what ever you say. My therapists works me hard. She makes me answer the hard questions. She has me vocalize things that I don’t even want to admit in my head let alone out loud. Find one like that. Find one who is willing to explore all the reasons your breasts cause you distress. Then, if you decide to proceed, you can do so knowing you were worth the hard work and you can feel more confident in making an informed decision. Don’t make any decisions based on the opinions of men. Your body. YOUR decision. Write that down on a post it and keep it somewhere you will see it. 

If you would like to speak to some others who are struggling with how you feel or want to talk to lesbians who can tell you about their double mastectomies, DM me, perhaps I can connect you. 

If  anyone wants to add their experience in the notes please be kind. No judgement for anyone making such a difficult decision. 

One last thing to this long post. From one butch to another.  I care about you and I am saddened and angry at  bull shit you have to wade through in this world. I get it. You are not alone. 

[mrsmarymorstan]

Don't why the fans especially the manga readers are hyping about tooru breaking the curse when she didn't even do shit. she just went on that silly adventure and be an annoying crybaby whenever she learns something new about the curse. it was actually akito who broke the curse so i can't understand what you are all hyping tohru on.

Ah yes, I to remember the days when I’d be deliberately antagonistic just for fun and beat on female characters for showing emotions and caring about people. Or indeed, resent characters for having entirely realistic reactions to the cosmic horror and terror that surrounds them. Then I turned 16 and HER WE ARE ten years later and I get to see it from a whole new perspective! What fun. 

In your misguided attempt to cause drama by shitting on people having a good time by being excited about upcoming character moments, much like Dr Flemming’s unwashed petri dish, you have hit upon something that benefits further discussion and interest. 

That point being, was it TOHRU who broke the curse, or was it Akito? 

The answer, I believe, is both. SPOILERS FOR ANIME ONLIES TONY YOU ARE WARNED DO NOT @ ME AGAIN IF YOU MESS UP. 

When Tohru sets out to break the curse and stop the love of her life from being locked up in a cold dark room for the rest of his existence, she finds out that the curse is firstly, a bond of blood sworn by the spririts of the past and not something that can be physically manifested, and secondly, that the curse has already begun to break RE: Kureno. 

Now, there’s a LOT of theories about why Kureno’s curse broke and if it truly was some random event or if there was a trigger. I think it’s a combination of the two. It’s noted by the maids and by (I think) Shigure that this is the first time in a long time that the entire Juunishi are present. There is also a sizeable age gap betwee Hiro and Kureno, that would about match up between Hiro being an infant when Kureno’s curse broke. Ergo, I propose that his curse broke soon after their first New Year’s together as a complete banquet with no spaces missing. Save that of the cat, of course, but more on him later. 

Kureno is the rooster, and I believe that in legend the Rooster was seen as the closest to God because he could deliver messages between heaven and earth. Therefore it makes sense that the first to leave God alone, is God’s messenger. “We have had our final Banquet, it’s time to end the cycle.” 

Of course Akito/God does not have a positive reaction to this, and the loss of one Juunishi inspires a great sense of loneliness and fear within Akito similar to that which lead to the creation of the bond in the first place. We do not see God being willing to make any attempt to work on achieving the Cat’s wish of finally being able to form friendships beyond the Zodiac and forming bonds with the humans he was so afraid of before. 

And THAT is the crux of the matter. Tohru came into the Sohma’s lives and began to break the curse simply by forming close bonds with them all, and letting them into her life and react to the world around them. Hana and Uo are both friends with Kyo and Yuki, actively choosing to spend time together. We also see that in Kyo attending the same school as Yuki, it opens up that same school to Haru and Momiji where they too can form bonds outside of the Sohma influence. It’s a school THEY chose, not the single sex one Akito picked out. Equally this means we have to give some credit to Yuki for making the brave choice of defying his parents and Akito’s wishes by attending a mixed school, and Shigure (who continues to be the mastermind here) for goading Akito into allowing Kyo to also attend that school and not simply pay off the private school he was MEANT to attend and have them let him back in. 

It’s also no real surprise that the two other Juunishi whose curses break before the final scene are Momiji and Hiro. Hiro is shown to be forming bonds outside of the Zodiac too. Not only has he matured enough that he is able to understand things from Tohru’s perspective now and has a relatively positive relationship with her, he ALSO becomes a Big Brother with a little sister he adores. Again, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that his curse breaks whilst he is in the same room as her. The Sheep has formed a meaningful relationship outside of the Zodaic, so it is time for the Sheep Spirit to return to its original realm. We then have Momiji, who is absolutely desperately in love with Tohru and is also equally desperate to be allowed to have a relationship with his OWN sister. Momiji’s curse breaks only after he has gone through puberty though and reaches adulthood. It’s when he starts to truly understand the path that is laid before him, and where he stands in it. He WANTS a relationship with Tohru, but he can also recognise that she is in love with Kyo and that makes it all the more painful. He knows that as he ages he is only going to be made to feel more distant from his sister, and that hurts too. HOWEVER, Momiji doesn’t ever stop LONGING for meaningful relationships and a world beyond the life of the Zodiac. He recognises that he does not have anything really tying him to the Sohma anymore, and so his curse breaks. The rabbit spirit has no need to be part of the banquet, and so heads home.   

Now, as you can see, whilst Tohru is a key trigger in the breaking of the curse, she’s still not the one to actively do it, right? 

Well, wrong. Sort of. 

Take note that when we’re told the ACTUAL story of the Original Banquet , we find that the Cat was the first friend God ever made, and was also the first to die. It was the death of the cat that triggered God into creating the eternal bond that would always bring them together, and it was the cat’s terror and dismay at being forced into such a bond that caused them to disown him. The cat has, all along, simply wanted God to make friends. The first who had the curse take effect upon them, was the one who rejectd it the most and as such was then shunned forever more. The cat wanted God to make bonds outside of the Zodiac, and in turn the cat was forever banned form making those bonds. Even though we’ve been show the Cat was granted some realtionships in the form of Kazuma’s Grandmother; it is a relationship made out of pitty rather than love and understanding. 

Tohru though? Torhu is the God Damned (excuse the pun) Year of the Cat Fanclub PRESIDENT. Nobody loves and respects the OG Cat Spirit in the way she does. She emphasied with the Cat’s plight in the legend her mother told her, feeling sorry for them being tricked like that and being forced to miss out on being part of the legend. She wanted the cat to join the group! She cradled the cat’s body in much the same way God in his final moments, as instead this time Tohru brings him back into the light and forms a stronger and longer lasting relationship with the cat spirit through love and empathy.

And later on, in that same mountainside, it is TOHRU who is the one who reaches out her hand to god and asks to become friends. It is the act of God forming friends with mortal humans that triggers Akito/God to finally release everyone from their curse. That’s why it happens when it does, when Akito knows that Tohru is safely out of hospital, that she has still welcomed Akito into her life... and that if Akito is going to take those terrifying steps into forming relationships that can end in rejection, she’s going to have to do it on her own two feet. 

THAT is how Tohru breaks the curse. THAT is what is important here and what is so FUCKING HARD ROCK about Tohru Honda. We see her willing to stand up to GOD in order to break the curse, but she stands before God as an EQUAL. Tohru WILL break the curse. She WILL fight for her soulmate. She WILL make you be friends with her and address your deep seated issues of self hate and abandonment (not that she has those issues herself ahahahha no I’m just your average happy go lucky teenager with two dead parents who lives in a tent I’M FINE) 

Of course, it turns out that everything Shigure and Kazuma told her about breaking the curse was true: That she didn’t have to do anything other than to continue to be herself. HOWEVER, in order to BE herself she needed to try and have a “silly adventure” where she tested her metal and learnt to speak up for herself. Why are we excited? Because we’re going to see Tohru finally find the confidence to speak out against others without harm! We see her get into a fight with Rin about it. We see her refusing to back down against Kagura. We see her standing on her own two feet and saying “No. No I don’t want that. I REFUSE to give in and to leave well alone!” 

All before, Tohru has been so scared to speak up for herself because of her debilitating abandonment issues (and please let’s not make fun of people’s mental health issues, okay? I haven’t been having a weekly therapy session for nearly two years now just because for the fun of it) but now she’s got to the point where she feels comfortable and secure enough to show an uglier side to herself that people might reject. She is able to be mean, and shout, and fucking break into someone’s house in order to get what she wants! How can a TRUE fruits basket fan NOT be excitd for that level of character development? 

And to end it, please, for the LOVE OF GOD it is 2020. I am 26 years old. I have been on tumblr since 2011. Do not send me hate about female fictional characters and expect me to roll over. My username is “Mrs Mary Morstan”. Mary. Morstan. The most hated female character in all of BBC Sherlock. Do not even try to fucking test me, you Petri Dish. 

#Fruits Basket #Furuba #Furuba Manga Spoilers #Tohru Honda #Akito Sohma #The Curse #The Juunishi #Anonymous #greatest hits

[mindellie]

I hate being alone and I’m starting a new class, I don’t really know anyone there so I’m really nervous but I’m so shy to talk to anyone, do you have any advice so I can stop stressing out about this? 🥺

okay first things first: take a moment to breathe and try to relax yourself before going to that class. even if it's been three classes already, if you still feel anxious about it - stop, take a minute to recollect yourself.

i completely understand how you're feeling and i'm positive that some, if not many, of your classmates will be feeling the same way. as someone who has dealt with social anxiety my entire life here's a few things i do whenever i'm in a similar situation to yours:

1. make yourself more comfortable, physically. if you're stressed about first impressions, nothing better than to make yourself feel good by dressing up in a way that makes you feel confident and yet physically comfortable. by this i mean that if you feel more comfortable in jeans and that cool yellow converse you've had for years, go ahead and wear these for your first class. if you have a beautiful that you love shirt or a shirt with your favorite band on, wear that to feel good.

2. on that note, sometimes finding common interests is the key to getting to know people. even if you don't utter a word to them, someone will comment on that band you have on your shirt or will like the way you did your make up, your yellow converse shoes, etc.

2.5. you can also make the first move even if you're shaking on the inside (and outside). you see someone with cool glasses or making nice drawings or even someone who has a neat handwrite style - go ahead and comment on it. you can make it as short as you want, even just uttering the "cool shirt" basic comment can make a good impression on strangers and not overwhelm you.

3. remember that no one there knows you - that can be terrifying but it can also be an opportunity. you can present yourself in any way you want to. if you don't feel comfortable with the comments technique i just mentioned, try raising your hand in class and commenting on a topic you know well or give an example. even the silliest of things can work in situations like that.

4. you will be okay. sounds generic but i often find that i need to remind myself of this; it's just a class, everyone will be focusing on themselves and won't pick your every move or breath apart to judge you.

5. being alone in a new environment is temporary! you'll end up meeting people in many different ways, whether it's in group projects, seeing each other in another environment and making brief eye contact, etc. it takes time but it happens.

5.5. if by any chance things don't seem to be working out, remember that all of this is temporary - you have your back up in other people as well; family, friends, pets and teachers and maybe even a therapist.

lastly, don't overwhelm yourself with the social aspect that much. like i mentioned in #5, things flow their natural course most of the time and you don't have to do anything out of your comfort zone to meet people sometimes. it is ten times easier to make friends if you do leave your comfort zone, but i get that it may be better to protect your mental health than stress yourself with something that feels too unnatural or uncomfortable.

i hope this helps anon and i wish you all the courage and calm in the world for this new experience. be kind to yourself and don't worry too much about this particular class - it's just one class, one moment in your life, people are also concerned with their own issues. you've totally got this, remember to take those deep breaths before going into class and keep in mind that nothing you do or don't do in those minutes in class will define you as a person.

i believe in you, i'm positive you'll meet people and connect to them in small or deep ways. either way, i believe in you.

#i hope this helps #i hope you are well #asks #send me asks #myposts #tips #advice #mental health #college #mine #studyblr #high school #school #make friends #new experiences #replies #anon #anxiety #social anxiety #confidence

[anti-catradora-receipts]

I really had to see someone say catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her. And claimed that i "didnt know what abuse was". Well i guess the abuse that ive been through in relationships (platonic and romantic), that has often been like catra/adoras dynamic, wasnt abuse huh. Guess im not an abuse victim after all by that logic

Dear anon,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through. And I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. I really hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.

Secondly, I disagree with the person’s statement of “catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her.” That’s false. 

Catra admits to manipulating Adora during the show. And this article talks about manipulation in a relationship and how manipulation is all about power and control. I extracted some parts of the article and placed it right below (within the quotation marks): 

“People who manipulate use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.

A manipulators knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you. This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively put a stop to it. That said, it is not always easy.”

Next, this article is from the perspective of a victim of abuse after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. The author of the article wanted to better understand their past abusive relationship and shared the insights that they gained from reading the book, ‘Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor’. I feel that the article illustrates in depth the enormous power imbalance between Catra and Adora and I extracted some parts of the article and put it below (within the double quotations): 

“After leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, I found myself needing to understand what had happened. Like most people who leave a volatile situation I was, quite simply, unable to process and articulate what was wrong. Apart from being incredibly vulnerable, I was also just too close to my own situation to see it objectively.

So I decided to read Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor. What I found was a wealth of information confirming what I couldn’t express or even see for myself. Here are some choice insights from the book, as well as some of my own thoughts*:

1. Control is always at the heart of a power game. The need to assert control will usually involve undermining and/or discrediting another to achieve our own ends. For example, we are using power games when we:

bully or intimidate someone into agreeing with our demands;

bait and provoke others through disturbing statements or actions and then claim they’re being over-sensitive/emotional, crazy or irrational (known as gaslighting); 

...

engage in name calling, put-downs, harsh criticism or threats.

2. Manipulators are not concerned with taking responsibility for their decisions/behaviours/feelings. Instead, they create a smokescreen by shifting the focus or blame to others. And consequently, the other party must assume the responsibility for making the situation ‘better’. If the other party is a ‘good’ person, they will comply with whatever demands are issued (peace at any price). As soon as they resist, however, the manipulator is likely to go on the attack.

3. For the receiver, cumulative exposure to such tumult may reduce self-esteem and increase anxiety, resentment and fear. Receivers will experience intense emotional reactions and may end up interpreting these as proof they are selfish, unbalanced, over-sensitive and unreasonable. They may lose their sense of self; either over-compensating to ‘get it right’ and ‘be better’ or even adopting manipulative tactics against others.

...

4. For the receiver, regaining personal power starts with a shift in one’s thinking. More specifically, an acknowledgement that the manipulator must take responsibility for their feelings and behaviours and any future change. It is accepting that the dynamic needs to change and learning to distinguish between real and manufactured guilt. It is constructing and defending boundaries and a willingness to listen to what anger is trying to say. It is the ability to cut through the smokescreen tactics and see the situation clearly. It is the ability to speak one’s truth and articulate one’s feelings. It is honouring the self. And, sometimes, this will mean leaving.

What I learned is that while not everyone who feels inadequate is a manipulator, every manipulator feels inadequate. So do we all, I know. But, what sets manipulators apart is the way they consistently and systematically re-distribute this inadequacy onto others.

...

What I also learned is that by disengaging I was not giving up, but that I was actively saying ‘I am worth more than this’.”

On a personal note, I just wanted to point out some additional reasons I see a huge power imbalance between Catra and Adora:

- The fact that Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora and Catra was not willing to give up her control of Adora.

- The fact that Adora seems to be the one who is constantly scared of Catra. At the present moment, I can only remember two scenes when Catra is scared of Adora: when Adora gets corrupted and attacks Catra at the beginning of White Out (S2E5), and when Adora gives Catra “The Look” at the end of The Portal (S3E6) . In addition, take a look at this scene. Adora honestly believes that Catra is going to kill her:

- The fact that Catra is completely okay with taking away Adora’s power. In the following scene, Catra doesn’t even see Adora as a person but as a tool. Catra literally states that they’ll use the corrupted sword in order to control Adora and use Adora as an advantage for the Horde. Catra even states that she’ll control Adora to kill Adora’s own friends. That is unbelievably sick. Moreover, Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora’s choices and actions. In fact, this scene supports the fact that Catra was completely okay with taking away Adora’s freedom. 

And honestly, there are some stark similarities between the previous scene with Catra and the following scene with Shadow Weaver. Shadow Weaver was ready to take away Adora’s power and use Adora as a tool against the Rebellion. 

I’d also like to point out that what Catra was willing to do to Adora, Horde Prime had actually done to Catra in S5. Catra’s power and freedom was taken away by Horde Prime and Horde Prime controlled Catra to attack Adora. The fact that Horde Prime took away Catra’s power and freedom was cruel and despicable. And the fact that Catra was willing to take away Adora’s power and freedom is cruel and despicable. 

Moreover, Adora ended up with Catra, a person who was perfectly okay with taking away Adora’s freedom and power. 

That is absolutely vile.

Finally I just want to add that my pinned post titled “Catra abused Adora.” has hyperlinks to resources relating to abuse:

- The Emotional Abuse section is reviewed by professionals. 

- The Physical Abuse section is provided by an online mental health service in Australia.

And these resources confirm that Catra emotionally and physically abuses Adora. 

In conclusion, you are right to say that Catra abuses Adora. Again, I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. And I really hope you know that your feelings about Catradora are completely valid. 

I genuinely hope you’re talking care of yourself. Seriously, please make sure you check in with yourself and prioritize some self-care. 

Thank you very much for sharing. ✨

#anti catradora #anti c//a #anti-catradora-receipts #spop salt #spop critical #every time i look at this ship #it just gets worse #the fact that catra was willing to take away adora's freedom is disgusting #i have no words #i hate this ship with all my heart

[mental-health-advice]

I dont know whether i have POCD or if i’m really a p. Before this started in late august, i always found p3dophilia disgusting and never understood how anyone could be attracted to children. i’d also bathed and changed children and felt uncomfortable if anything. however, i started getting some intrusive thoughts and got a random groinal whilst watching a youtube video with a child in. this led me to start obsessing and checking if i was attracted, when i couldn’t confirm if i wasn’t or was attracted to a random child in a video i had a full blown panic attack. this is when i started obsessing constantly 24/7 for about 3 months straight. i would google constantly, test for groinal, ask my parents for reassurance constantly. however, i would avoid our 5 year old neighbour but i would look at children purposefully in shops etc to test for attraction and pull up images on google to test myself which makes me wonder if these are compulsions or if i actually wanted to look at children. i started getting these ‘feelings’ for specific types of children that wouldn’t go away and felt almost like crushes, but once i stopped doing compulsions and obsessing they slowly went away. the pocd settled down a lot for about a month but then i started ‘checking’ my emotions again by pulling up images to be sure. this then started my obsession again. however, now i don’t feel as much anxiety and it’s almost like i’m trying to feel anxiety so i can convince myself it is still pocd and not the real thing. i use mental images to test myself and sometimes i feel attracted which usually scares me so much but recently i haven’t even been feeling much anxiety when i do get this ‘attracted’ feeling. i also still get groinal responses. however, this is even more difficult for me as i’ve never really experienced much sexual attraction for people in general, i’ve always had crushes and fantasies (about people my age and older) but don’t think i’ve felt much actual sexual attraction so it’s difficult for me to know what sexual attraction actually feels like. i’m so scared i’m actually a MAP and it feels so real, even my compulsions aren’t helping much anymore which makes me question if i’m just using this idea of OCD to make myself feel better when really i’m just a P who doesn’t like their attraction. The fact that i’m not feeling much anxiety anymore but the ‘attraction’ feelings are still there is scaring me so much. It’s like it was ocd but it’s not ocd anymore. One last thing that bothers me is that although i’ve had other obsessions, i used to obsess about whether i was bisexual or not and i used to do similar things i do now (like comparing whether i’d rather be with a man or woman, test my reaction to thoughts, worry excessively) and it turns out that i was actually bisexual as i now identify as bisexual 2/3 years later. this makes me think what if i am actually one of those people but won’t accept it? or what if when i do become more interested in sex and get sexual attraction it will be towards children?? I don’t expect u to read all this but if you have thank you so much, also i’m 16 if that makes any difference.

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to us here at MHA; I know that must have been really hard for you given the circumstances, but I’m so proud of you and I really hope that I’ll be able to give you some advice and reassurance! I am so sorry that you have been dealing with this for so long.

I think the most important thing for you right now is to remember that these are just intrusive thoughts - they can’t be controlled, they’re literally unwanted things that intrude into your consciousness. They are not a reflection of you and your worth or anything like that, please don’t feel bad for having them! Personally, I believe that the fact you are questioning these thoughts and you felt horrified by them, shows that you don’t really want it and that this is just something you are struggling with. Maybe looking at it like this will help you to feel a little better about yourself and the situation?

I am going to share a couple of resources with you which are helpful interactive guides to help you start dealing with intrusive thoughts:

This four-step programme

Suppression

Moodsmith

Intrusive thoughts like these can be super hard to deal with, but there are some techniques that you could try and use to help you manage them. The most important thing with intrusive thoughts is to avoid giving them too much power - easier said than done - but if you don’t give the fire and fuel then the fire can’t burn, you know? So, if you try and avoid milling over the intrusive thought and attempting to analyse it you are giving it the attention and fuelling the thoughts further. This is not to say you should completely ignore the thoughts, but simply acknowledge the thought is present and then move on and try to distract yourself - try to picture them leaving you, like clouds moving across the sky or something similar, and this can help you to realise that these thoughts will pass. If you find yourself wanting the test your responses to things, instead, try an distract yourself with something else. LIke get up and walk away from your laptop so you can’t google things and instead go and read a book, or call a friend, or do some exercise. Something like that anyway!

I’m just wondering if you have ever reached out to a professional regarding your worries? The most effective way of dealing with these intrusive thoughts is to seek some professional help. A therapist or counsellor will be able to guide you into understanding your thoughts, why you are having them, and how you can learn to manage them. If seeing a counsellor or therapist isn’t immediately an option for you, you could go to your GP who can then refer you to a mental health professional. I’m linking our page about getting help here because I know how hard it can be to ask for help and to admit the issues you are facing out loud. Professionals are trained in dealing with instances like this, and this will not be something shocking or ‘wrong’ to them, so I promise that they won’t judge you or treat you differently for going to them with these issues - you have nothing to be ashamed of, lovely!  You could call a helpline or use web counselling anonymously if seeing someone face-to-face is too difficult for you.

Grounding techniques might also be something you could try? Grounding techniques help to bring your focus away from any intrusive thought, bring it back to your consciousness and back to reality. We have a page of them here! I suggest beginning with you try something like saying the alphabet forwards and then backwards slowly, or running your hands under really icy cold water.

I hope this has been of some use to you, friend. Again, I’m going to say that you are not a bad person for having thoughts like this, you are not wrong or bad, or anything like that - this is just something you have been struggling with, and you are never wrong for struggling and needing to reach out for some support. Please don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else that we can help you with! Please take care.

Rhiann xo

#OCD #POCD #mental health advice #mental health blog #mha #mharhiann #getting help #ocd #grounding techniques #intrusive thought #dealing with intrusive thoughts

[aemoonie]

After watching nct dream reflecting back on their past and present selves for the hello future videos i'm honestly really worried for renjun. I think all of them went through a lot in the industry, especially considering they were minors and how controlled and handled they must have been and still are, not to mention just the general effects fame can have on you but renjun is such an emotional person, he was described in mental training camp as the "artist type" who feels a lot and gets lonely easily and he basically confirmed it himself by saying he gets lonely even on sunny days. He said he values freedom a lot and being able to hold conversation comfortably and without restrictions. I think he's a very determined person and has a good head on his shoulders (in the interview with eric nam he said he went to Korea at 15 bc he wanted to sing and would've done it even if his parents said no. When I was 15 I was just figuring out what music I liked and how I wanted to dress and trying to adjust to highschool, like his determination is insane) and he knows what he wants to get out of life, I think he also lives for himself, and is very confident in who he is but like everyone else he has bad days and I imagine if he gets down it really hits him bc of how emotional he is. It was even said that his personality is very rare and he's just such a precious person. I also worry bc he seems to look detached at times and not really present or in his head compared to the dreamies, but that may just be part of his personality. I hope he can always be happy and experience freedom in the way he describes it and live his life to the fullest. It's also clear he means a lot to his other members, especially jisung and I hope he can rely on them and confind in them (along with his other loved ones) when he needs it. Sorry for the essay but that video hit me and I'm in my soft hours 🥺

On another note he's just such a dreamy and ethereal person, like his mind amazes me. He's so well-spoken and expresses his thoughts so eloquently and gently. Whenever we get glimpses of his thoughts and imagination via his stories is so dreamy and beautiful. Again, with eric nam, when they described their own ideal country he said he would want people to live together in a tree and wear old, classic clothes. Like his mind bruh!! I also liked when mark said he wants to try a more acoustic sound and that he would like to write short stories, like edgar allan poe. It's obvious these boys are much more and deeper than what their loud, celebrity personas show and I really liked some of the personal things they shared.

yes omg get ready folks this is gonna be long lmao

first of all, i totally agree with you! i feel like renjun is getting to the point where he feels comfortable sharing this vulnerable side of his (and true self) with us, and maybe he doesn't feel the need to fit this certain image anymore. remember when he said that sm wanted him to act like a "pure" boy? right, i think he's done with that lol

and yes, they were sooo young when they got into the industry and it would honestly be scarier if they hadn't any issues mentally cause of this. but i love the fact that they are somewhat able to talk about it and while they probably have to walk on eggshells anytime they do, i can just appreciate that (esp. renjun) they feel comfortable enough to want to share it. renjun doesn't strike me as an overly sensitive guy, more like you described: emotional, passionate and introspective.

his determination is really something, like you're totally on point with that! with 15 i was in no way in a headspace where i could have pursued an artistic and/or public career like he has. especially with the harsh trainee schedules, pressure and everything. thinking about my 15-year-old-self moving to a different country and going under such strict training, i probably would've cried every night lol. i hope he could deal with it somewhat good and that with his therapy (and other means) he can take care of his mental health <3 it really itches me to think about him too much, because i just feel so conflicted for him and i can't even imagine how he must feel (since he is actually living this life ya know).

i just hope he doesn't regret with how he chose to pursue his life, i can imagine that, as an idol, you sometimes wonder if it wouldn't have been better to choose a more relaxed career (i have to think about mark saying that he had a lot of doubts). and with what they said about his personality... i mean yes, if he says he does get lonely often, then that isn't pretty at all. and all we can really do as fans is to support him and hope he takes care of his own well-being tbh. i totally agree with you that he has a very interesting mind and can express himself very uniquely, in a way that makes you instantly comfortable. i think that are definitely some of his best strengths. he's very compassionate and considerate and he shows it so effortlessly (honestly i don't even think he realizes what nice energy he has).

and boy, don't even get me started with mark. dude, he is one of the nct members that get reduced to like 3 character traits and then people just move on. like yes, he is a cheerful person who laughs at everything and it's adorable. he may be a bit awkward and he is an insanely talented rapper, but he is also so much more! the fact that he enjoys writing so much really makes me soft!! mark is also much more sensitive and emotionally tuned than what we give him credit for. i feel like people just underestimate fire placements and disregard their emotional nature so often, just because they usually are enthusiastic and not as much the "motherly/comforting" type like water placements. but they also have emotions!! a lot, actually! he is someone who can make people really comfortable around him pretty fast and i can not imagine that many people don't like this guy tbh. his Cancer Mercury (i think) also shows so much, because he is very considerate and i think he takes others way more into consideration than we think. and the way he carries himself in the studio is also so interesting!! anyway, i don't wanna go on forever, mark is best boy

(and side note to mark: acoustic sound?? yes pls i love acoustic stuff T-T i am becoming a #1 mark supporter haha)

and the dreamies in general are of course not those 2-dimensional characters that entertainment industries or their fans often make them out to be. i feel like almost all of them have sides of themselves that we don't know and will probably never get to see and that's totally how it should be. but i feel like people like jaemin or haechan, who have a very unique and expressive way of carrying themselves, get mistaken for just those things too often. the members have mentioned so often that haechan keeps them together and is the one who can cheer them up at all times. i do believe that he can act like "the glue" sometimes, because he is a person who can understand others very well and can communicate smoothly in order to mediate between them. he also has a Cancer Mercury, and from my personal experience as someone with a lot of Cancer/Gemini dynamic (and a Cancer Mercury), that is a combination that does make you want to mediate all the damn time haha. i often find myself in similar situations in my friend groups, where it's always the other people fighting and i become the neutral middle ground where both people go to vent T-T. but i think that is such an underrated quality of him! i feel like he picks up other's moods or problems quickly and is eager to help people, which are amazing qualities!!

and jaemin is just... a mystery to me as well ngl haha. but i feel like he takes such good care of the others without even wanting something in return. like when he talked about doing jeno's laundry in that one live and being like nagging but not seriously lol. he is just someone who takes care without much boasting around or smth and i feel like he plays an important role, that is more in the background. i often wonder what he is like in the dorms and in 7chillin i thought he had such a nice dynamic with all of them. but i feel like he isn't very open with his feelings, which is (his damn Cap Moon) unfortunate, but again, i can only hope he finds a way to cope with his feelings healthily.

anyway, to wrap it up finally; i really like the honesty the dreamies have at the moment and i am glad sm let's them talk a little more personally. i think after coming together again as 7 members, they really realized how much they like being together! and it's so heart-warming to see <3 renjun is truly an amazing person from what we see of him and i love having these conversations about him haha. i feel like he is really getting a lot of well-deserved attention lately and i love that for him <3

#this is soo long #i'm so sorry #i hope you can get smth out of this lol <3 #but yeah i love talking about the dreamies #replies 💌‧₊˚ #mndchldsung

[lametrashtalk]

i think i forgot to post adrian’s final backstory HERE IT IS

Basics: Name: Adrian Code name: Number 914812 Species: Melanistic Sulcata Tortoise Gender: Male Age: 16 Birthdate: 14th December Zodiac: Sagittarius Birthplace: Earth 4 Height: 5'6’’ (1,68 cm) Weight: 85 kg Eyes: Green Family: Unknown Occupation: Adventurer between worlds. Wants to explore and learn new cultures across the universe as much as possible Fears: He has abandonment issues. He grew up being used by his family, so he doesn't really like them. But the moment he gets attached to someone, he fears that they might leave him. Special Abilities: Healer, portal maker, quick learner. Has an interest in astronomy.

Personality:  Optimistic, extroverted character! Feels like there isn’t a place where he feels at home, so he explores the universe to ground himself. Falls easily for people. Intelligent, has strong morals, is curious, and takes a particular interest in how the world around him works. However, is very blunt, has a quick temper, and never takes anything seriously. Great sense of humor, never to anyone’s expenses, enjoys socializing. Has an escapism tendency (runs away from his problems). Relationships: Family: Number 41718 (Grandma) - Adrian's late grandmother. She practically raised him while his parents spent most of their time busy or away, and they were rather close. She would teach him herbal medicine so he could avoid using his own powers and getting himself sick. She also owned a magic pendant -  it allowed her to travel between alternative dimensions. She later gave it to Adrian before passing away. Parents - Adrian's parents were never really present around his early childhood. They are doctors so they spent most of their time working, often neglecting their son and using him as ways to get their own things done Friends : Donatello - Adrian and Donnie's friendship started with quite ease. He had a small crush on Donatello from when they first met, to later really falling in love with the guy; Donnie also taught Adrian the concept of found family and helping others purely for self-contentment, rather than being bossed to do it like Adrian was taught to do. Their relationship is quite fun, as they both love to learn new things, give each other their much-needed space, and are very understanding of one another- However, they are both scared to admit to each other how they really feel; rather, Donnie is very scared to show Adrian his true sentiments and often doesn't understand when Adrian flirts with him. They eventually start dating, though. It is a healthy relationship with lots of communication, however with its challenges: Adrian's dramatic and impulsive self and Donnie's tendency to be extremely aloof and detached. They work it out, though. Raphael - Both Raph and Adrian get along well most of the time. They are both easily angered (Adrian is not as much of a hothead as Raph is, though) and they communicate with each other easily. In fact, Adrian told Raph about his little crush. Not without hearing a threat in case he hurts the other's brother, though. Mizuiro Hasu ( @outofmymilkyway 's OC) - When Adrian noticed Mizu's crush on Leonardo and love for space, he'd immediately took her on a trip to visit a parallel dimension where he questioned her about her little crush and how to deal with a similar crush he as on Donatello. They'd start getting on trips together to talk about their feelings and the respective turtles, being each other's wingman. Adrian feels very grateful to have this human friend and thinks fondly of her. Michelangelo - Mikey loves to show Adrian all of his comics and share jokes. They don't really spend a lot of time together, but when they do, it's either Mikey being obnoxious around him and Donnie, or Adrian daring Mikey to do dumb challenges, usually in exchange for something that matters to the other. Leonardo - They had a rocky start. Leonardo's bushido and family first philosophies did not settle well with Adrian's rebellious, "was hurt by my family so I don't agree that family should go above everything else, instead that should've been you first, the others later" attitude. So they either argue a lot or Leo acts very passive-aggressive towards Adrian, or the latter telling him to get away from him. They eventually cool off and start respecting each other after the events from "Good Genes". Backstory: Adrian comes from another Earth dimension, just like Usagi and the TMNT. For most of his childhood, he lived in peace with his family and friends, but in the year he became 10 years old, a civil war started. Since then, Adrian and his family had to heal many civilians from the fights. The thing is, when they'd heal someone, part of their lifespan and energy would be gone. The bigger the injury, the more energy they'd have to use. And since Adrian was the youngest, they'd make him heal most people because he had the more energy to spare and they were old. So he spent about 5 years doing the most healing, while his family rested. He'd trust his family less and less because he was so, so tired. But they didn't want him to stop, and if he did, most people would perish. One night, he'd overhear his parents speaking on the matter; they'd say it was better for Adrian to do all the healing because they were much older than he was, therefore they wouldn't die so soon. This made Adrian extremely upset and hurt, so he took his late grandma's pendant, stole one of their neighbor's ship, and flew away. So now, Adrian is a traveler between worlds. He mostly does this, not only because he wants to know about the universe around him, but because he never felt quite at home and didn't have enough freedom to do much. During this time, he learned that most aliens had names instead of code numbers, so he changed his name from Number 914812 to Adrian. In a bid for freedom, he also managed to get himself causing a lot of trouble, only because he was forced to help others against his own will. He also sleeps. A lot. He went to watch the Battle Nexus, where he met Donatello and Usagi right after they saved the Damiyo’s life – Adrian had been exploring because he got bored. Right away, he’d recognize Donnie because he was one of the first contestants to lose and immediately mocked him in his mind. However, he felt like it would be a good courtesy to say hello to both Usagi and Donnie. What Adrian didn’t expect was for Donnie, who he thought he was a complete loser, to be so soft-spoken and polite – in fact, his voice immediately caught him off guard. He’d keep talking to both of them while Splinter wasn’t free from the dungeon. Usagi was interesting, but in the end, it ended up being just Adrian and Donnie speaking. Donnie’s charisma had absolutely made him struct by him. Donatello talked about what he does (his inventions) and Adrian talked about the exploration he did across the universe – which left Donnie pretty much interested. It ended up being a quick friendship, with Donnie inviting him to Earth so Adrian could show him the different worlds and they could explore together.   A week later, Adrian showed up, they planned cool planets to visit (that Adrian knew were safe). When out of missions, Donnie would manage to contact Adrian and would spend more free time with him than his family (much to everyone’s annoyance). One of the planets they visited was populated by tiny, cute, fuzzy people. However, in the middle of their trip, they were struck by a hurricane, leaving the tiny aliens' houses mostly destroyed. Donnie immediately offered himself to help, while Adrian kept his distance, questioning why would Donatello help so many people that he didn't know. This ended up with Don explaining to him that it is good to help people in need. It makes them happy and rely on you, and you feel great about your doings, but that if Adrian didn't want then he shouldn't be forced to do it. Seeing all the little aliens happily bouncing around his friend, Adrian, reluctantly decided to help fix a table - which he did an okay job with. Seeing everyone happily thanking him made him realize that maybe... helping others wasn't THAT bad when your health wasn't on the line for your selfish parents. He looked fondly at Donnie - he was so happily helping others that Adrian went from having a crush to completely fall in love with the guy.

#tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k3 #tmnt oc #adrian #aaahh

[traumatized-motherfuckers]

CPTSD and Core Beliefs (Your lens, built on traumatic fuckery)

Alright, so you know I have this Patreon thing that I try to make worth your while in return for your economical help. One of the benefits is the good ole’ monthly ask me anything. And I love it. Because the questions are great. And they push me to dig into topics that I was procrastinating. This month’s AMA is a particularly good one! A question that needs to be addressed, anyways. So it’s perfect. Let’s aim for two birds with one stone.

Our good friend Cassie - you know her by now - asks, how do you identify core beliefs and start to change them? Which is a very simple and very complicated question.

  So, to take a step backwards, what she talkin’ bout?

  Well, one of the internal issues that complex trauma sufferers have to rectify is their belief system. Between our core beliefs and our inner critic, we have a lot going on in between our ears to keep us downtrodden and destitute.

  We’re talking about what I call Fucked Up Core Beliefs here… which are your trauma-born core beliefs. Again, called FUCBs because when you discover them, you’ll likely whisper to yourself, “wow, that’s actually really fucked up.” These sentiments are like the lenses that you surgically stitched onto your face several decades ago in response to your upbringing, as your little mammal brain tried to understand its place in the global hierarchy and how to be chill about it.

 The framework you built from your early development and beyond, that all information still filters through today - both on the way in and on the way out of your head. The words that stream through your brain consciously or subconsciously to shape the ways you appraise… everything. Yourself, your life, your past, your future, other people, and everything that happens in between.

  So, essentially, talking about the ways you interpret your existence and the collected pool of knowledge from where you make decisions, and therefore the ways you act. If this is starting to sound like a big deal - it is!

But it don’t come with a big flashing sign. The Challenge

These beliefs are challenging to figure out because:

  One, they were adapted early on in your life in an effort to understand the circumstances around you or directly downloaded from the sentiments expressed in your environment. When you were first establishing your perspective of the universe and trying to figure out how to navigate it based on the clues presented.

  Plus, the harder part is… because of the early adoption, you’ve already accepted the idea for so long that it doesn’t even seem like a “belief” to you - you’re not choosing it and it’s probably not apparent to you - it’s just the secret narrative running in your head that corrupts all later data. Not cognitive thoughts that you’re directing on purpose. You probably don’t have recollections of the time before you believed such and such to question what you believe - these ideas are solidified in your head with as much certainty as the alphabet.

  So, you might believe you’re a worthless piece of shit as a function of the neglect and abuse you experienced, a way to explain the mistreatment to yourself from a young age… OR you might believe you’re a worthless piece of shit because mom, dad, sister, and society directly told you so. But either way, many years down the line, it’s difficult to pinpoint either of these originating factors as memories fade or to even question the validity of the thought… or to even notice the thought.

  Two, if your family of origin was always repeating the same sort of thoughts and you later associate with people who make you comfortable to be around (i.e. probably have some similar views of the world), you have nothing to compare your beliefs to.

  Your environment teaches you what’s normal. There’s no reference for what is and isn’t healthy, fair, or functional if everyone is drinking the same kool aid. And, unfortunately, in traumatic environments, folks seem to congregate around the fucked up beliefs to protect them with a mutual unspoken agreement. Accept the accepted narrative of the group or be outcast. The same story is replayed on repeat from all ends of your social circle, so why would you even begin to think there’s another way to look at things?

So, if mom, dad, cousin, uncle, grandma, neighbor, peer, teacher, and media are all telling you the same reality exists, how would you ever even begin to have the wherewithal to think otherwise? The thought probably never crosses your mind. The sky is blue, grass is green, and the world is a miserable place where everyone is trying to take advantage of you.

  Three, again, I cannot over-express how insidious, subtle, and generalized these things can be. Fucked up core beliefs affect how you see and process everything. Again, like lenses or an instagram filter permanently applied to your corneas. So, there’s not necessarily one life-effect linked to one-FUCB for easy detection or one event that will cause a clear-as-day defined belief to come shooting to the top of the pile. More like, you very slowly realize you have an unhealthy view or twenty about yourself and the world that have sorrrrrtof impacted every single area of your life now that you spend years considering it.

  Thinking you’re a worthless piece of shit, for instance, has led to you taking low-level jobs with chaotic schedules, living with an abusive partner, and settling for living in the same environment with the same behavioral patterns that you’ve known your entire life. It’s also allowed you to give up exercise, eating right, staying sober, and trying to make any life-improvements. Why bother spit polishing shit? And here you are, wondering why you feel awful about yourself and don’t enjoy anything you’ve created in your life.

  But. It’s not that simple to sort out, or else we would have done it already. You probably haven’t ever purposely considered how commonly this impression is operating below the surface of your actions. Realizing that the belief “I’m a worthless piece of shit who deserves nothing” and trying to change it would be like pulling out the wrong Janga block - everything it has been supporting suddenly comes tumbling down and you’re left with a real fucking mess to rebuild from the bottom up. And, to top it all off, no one ever even taught you how to create a sturdier structure in the first place.

  Fourthly, from some of my own learnings, I’ve come to the conclusion that the core belief, itself, doesn’t even have to present itself at any point to be making a difference in your life. They are so deeply ingrained in my brain that my thought center just naturally uses them as a jumping off point, without even directly touching on the words that might ping my brain as unusual. Just like we can subtly detect risks in our environment that set off our warning bells without ever creating a conscious thought to go with the arousal, I feel like I can apply a core belief to my world without ever noticing the accompanying stream of consciousness.

Sometimes I feel like fucked up core beliefs have become so accepted over time that they’re feelings more than cognitions. As if they’ve become so reflexive through repetition that you have muscle memory - an intuitive response that bypasses your logical brain recognition threshold and jumpstarts shittily-related thoughts… and those will actually register on your thinking scale. But at that point, you accept the novel-feeling thought and never note that it was actually spawned by a very old recording.

  Which is to say, you might have to work on identifying your fucked up core feelings before you can get to the thought deeply buried underneath. Taking a meta break from the episode to tell you, I’ve never thought about that so thoroughly before. But Fucked Up Core Feelings definitely sounds like a solid description of my world. I guess we also have FUCFs to go with our FUCBs from now on. Anyways.

  With all of this in mind, I’m sure you can start to see why these fucked up core beliefs are a big problem. Hell, if you’ve listened to this podcast for more than a few episodes, you’ve definitely heard that I’m still challenged by my own. Like, when I say that I’m freaking out because no one should listen to me and I feel like an imposter - I believe that I’m not good enough to share information with people. That I’m too flawed to even express myself. This is a problem for, say, podcasting. Or, living. And I have to fight it all the time.

  Long story short.

  Your core beliefs are sneaky, they can be comprehensive, and they are hardwired into your brain as your default system for analyzing everything on the planet. Again, kind of like looking for goggles strapped to your face, but in reality you had lasik surgery about 30 years ago.

  So, if you aren’t constantly on the lookout for core beliefs and actively working against your pre-programmed ways of assessing yourself and the world around you… they will get out of control, cause a fair amount of avoidance and defeat, and set you back several steps in your mental health management… plus, potentially your entire life, if you make any big decisions out of this unhealthy mindset. Which you will, because that’s how the brain works. I’m almost certain that you have some experience with this already.

If you ever think things like: The world is a dangerous placePeople are cruelI’m not good enough I’m not smart enoughI’m not enoughI’m brokenOther people don’t like meThere’s something wrong with my personalityI’m not allowed to… (live like others, have nice things, be happy)I’m not one of those people who… (has money, has good luck, gets what they want)Shit is just harder for meNothing ever works outLife is always hardI can’t.

Then you’ve had some fucked up core beliefs floating around in your head.

 These are some super broad ones for the sake of demonstration, so don’t disregard highly specific beliefs that might relate to your particular circumstances or upbringing.

  If you haven’t ever noticed yourself thinking these big shitty picture things… check again in all your deepest nooks and crannies. I think a lot of us TMFRs operate from some version of the narratives above - plus, much worse. Like I keep saying, these beliefs might not be in your conscious thoughts, so much as they’re directing the show from behind the curtain.

How do we pull it back? Discover the beliefs ........

Keep reading or listen up at t-mfrs.com

https://www.t-mfrs.com/podcast/episode/532f2b1c/core-beliefs

#cptsd #complex ptsd #complex trauma #complextraumarecovery #healingcomplextrauma #complextrauma #complexptsd #cptsd problems #cpstd #just cptsd things #actually CPTSD #cptsdsurvivor

[ifbrd]

Not Sugar-Coated, ToBecky Critique from a ToBecky Shipper

Let’s talk about Tobecky and it’s toxicity! And for once, let’s not hold back! I think what I’m gonna do for this post is focus on the dynamic they have in the show, mostly criticizing my own misogyny but calling out the fandom in general as well, as I’ve seen other’s do these same things. Later I will reblog it on the Word Up blog and continue my thoughts on the ship and how it affected Word Up.

The first thing I will say is that I am a Tobecky shipper, ever since Tobey’s first shorts when it was revealed he had a crush on WordGirl. I started watching this show as a kid, I would have been 9 or 10 when it started airing on PBS. If I were to get into this show today, however, I don’t think I would be shipping tobecky, because as an adult I can recognize its toxicity which I didn’t have the proper knowledge or understanding to do back in the day. And I think the real reason I still ship today is purely nostalgic. Though I won’t deny that their dynamic is interesting and that likely affects my shipping brain too.

As a kid, I think I shipped it because, well it seemed inevitable. It seemed like the only endgame option. How many romcoms start with a girl liking one boy, only to realize later she should be with a different guy, usually an underdog the audience is supposed to root for. How many romance stories start with the two not liking each other, ranging anywhere from minor annoyances for each other to full-blown enemies, only to later understand it was all a guise to hide their true feelings. It seemed obvious that Becky/WordGirl would end up with not Scoops, whom she had a crush on, but instead Tobey, the underdog she always was fighting or arguing with. Factor in Tobey’s crush, my very underdeveloped ability to think critically, and the fact that the writers in early seasons seemed to really take the time to focus on the potential chemistry between these two (their interactions in “Department Store Tobey” and both of them having a good time together in “Have You Seen the Remote?” etc) and it seemed there was only one boy for Becky to logically end up with.

The first time I can recall really questioning this ship, I mean really questioning it, was sometime in probably my sophomore or freshman year? Maybe my junior year? I recall my health teacher teaching us about healthy vs unhealthy relationships. In this unit, I realized several of my favorite ships across various fandoms were unhealthy but that’s a whole other topic. At one point I remember him giving his two cents about the phrase “opposites attract” when being applied to romance. He said this can be true, but only if the two are “opposites” in personality, and not “opposites” in values. If a couple’s values, their morals, don’t align, they probably aren’t going to make it. And in all honesty, I think Tobey and Becky have the worst possible combination for this.

They have very similar personalities, and while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can make it easier for them to encourage their negative traits instead of helping them overcome them. The traits they both share like pridefulness, attention-seeking, and being a bit obsessive, have the potential to be the traits they bring out in each other. The best counter-argument for this is the fact that Becky is willing to and would call Tobey out for everything wrong or ridiculous he does, and try to help him. But that doesn’t matter if Tobey is not willing to listen to her when she calls him out, or accept her help when she offers it and he needs it. And it’s especially worthless if he’s not willing to help her back.

Meanwhile, the biggest weakness for this ship is their opposite values. Their morals couldn’t be more apart from each other. Get these two together for long periods of time and a morality war would easily ensue. And then combined with if their similar personalities do end up bringing the worst in each other, then any relationship they could have would be disastrous.

The worst issues with their pairing all go back to Tobey. I love Tobey as a character, don’t get me wrong, but we need to be honest, and please excuse the language--Tobey is a piece of shit! He is disrespectful to everyone around him, except his mother, and that’s only because he’s scared of her He thinks he’s better than everyone else and has no issues expressing that opinion, even going as far as to try to define words for WordGirl. He goes as far as to belittle her in “Tobey or Consequences” criticizing her word choice. He has been shown on multiple occasions to lose his mind when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants and will do anything to get it, without regard for others’ property, feelings or safety. He’s manipulative as seen in “Tobey Goes Good” and “Have You Seen the Remote.” He’s unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, as demonstrated when he attacks the candy factory for making candy because he got a cavity, instead of realizing that he should have taken better care of his teeth.

And worst of all, despite what he and the audience often believe, he clearly doesn’t give a single shit about WordGirl. If he cared about her he would have acknowledged her disinterest, if he cared about her, he wouldn’t have tried to force Becky into admitting she’s WordGirl in “By Jove, You’ve Wrecked My Robot.” If he cared about her, he wouldn’t have pretended to be good or trick her into spending time with him or forced her to read poems about him. In the Halloween special he thought Violet was WordGirl just because she was wearing a WordGirl costume, failing to acknowledge that Violet is blonde and white and WordGirl is clearly not.

The episode “WordBot” makes it very clear what kind of relationship Tobey wants from WordGirl--and it’s not a relationship. It’s a dynamic where she simply showers him with never-ending adoration and does whatever he wants. Tobey cares about one person and one person only and it’s not WordGirl, it’s himself.

And I’m not even counting “Go Gadget Go” in any of this! That episode put him in such a bad light that most fans pretend it doesn’t exist because his behavior is so inexcusable. And yet even without that episode, we have plenty of toxicity coming from Tobey’s end.

I once saw someone say they hate the tobecky ship because the argument for it often is that Becky will be willing to put up with Tobey when they’re older. First of all, if that’s your argument in tobecky’s favor you need to go take a good hard look at yourself. Becky putting up with Tobey’s messed up behavior is essentially hoping she ends up in a horrible, toxic, unhealthy, relationship that would be borderline abusive if she didn’t stand against him. Secondly, while I don’t deny the existence of this argument, (I once read a fanfic where the two were married but still a hero and villain who battled regularly) I disagree with the idea that this argument is most often used to justify the ship. Instead, the most common argument to justify it is the idea that Tobey has it in him to change. This is certainly a better argument, as Tobey changing is really the only hope for this ship.

But I think it’s really easy for us, myself included, to struggle with the line between finding evidence that Tobey could change vs excusing his actions; the line between finding an explanation for his behavior vs finding an excuse for him. It’s a very easy line to accidentally cross without realizing it. And it really says something when, as discussed in another post, we are not giving other villains like Victoria--who have more of an “excuse” --the same treatment. It’s incredibly misogynistic.

I’m not going to try to argue that Tobey doesn’t have the capability to be good, of course, he does. We can see this in the cute note he leaves in Becky’s backpack in “Trustworthy Tobey” and in the very last moments in the Thanksgiving special, and of course in our favorite example, “It’s Your Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to.” I’m also not saying that Tobey’s actions and psychology aren’t the product of the environment and circumstances he faces daily. Of course having no father figure present, a single mother who is always working, and no friends is going to affect a child. What I want to question is when is Tobey responsible for his own life, choices, and actions? Maybe not now at age 10-11, but what about when he’s 13? 16? 18? 21? 40? Where do we draw that line? I also don’t want to discourage looking for the good in people and characters and thinking critically about how their past and psychology is affecting their actions. I want to encourage that in all characters, not just the boy who happens to have a crush.

And while it’s nice to speculate that Tobey will follow a better path in the future, not so much for tobecky as much as for the betterment of Tobey himself, we need to realize that it’s just speculation. We have no canon proof of where his story goes post-WordGirl. He has his moments of hope but overall this kid has a terrible track record. When it comes to others, Tobey makes terrible choices. And that’s exactly what “going good” will be--a choice--his choice.

I also want to take a moment to talk about something @fromtheplanethexagon said in this amazing post you should totally read because it’s great. They commented on how very few people when writing tobecky fanfics takes the time to explore her perspective of their feelings for each other. Where her feelings originate and why she would like him. This is something I am absolutely guilty of and will be paying attention to in the future. After reading that passage from their post I thought for a while why Becky would like Tobey, and I honestly struggled with it a bit, which shouldn’t be happening if I’m trying to write a healthy tobecky story. That’s all I’ll say on this for now because beyond this I would use Word Up as an example, so I’ll save that for later.

The older I get the more I realized how toxic this ship is. Heck, who knows what I’ll realize about it in the future when I’m even more mature. In the past I’ve tried to convince myself it’s okay I ship it because I never shipped Tobey with WordGirl, I shipped him with Becky. I know they are the same person, but Tobey doesn’t know that, and the dynamics between him and each of her egos are very different. The dynamic between Tobey and WordGirl reminds me of Gideon and Mabel from Gravity Falls. Meanwhile the one between Tobey and Becky reminds me more of the one between Jimmy and Cindy from The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron. That’s better right? Even if just a little bit? Well no, not really, because we all know darn well if Tobey fell for Becky instead of WordGirl he would treat Becky exactly the same as he treats WordGirl. He would ultimately have the same “WordBot esc” expectations. If anything he might try to treat her worse. With WordGirl there is a clear power balance, and while it’s still technically there with Becky, Tobey doesn’t know it’s still there and might try to use that to his advantage.

And to conclude I’d like to add to @fromtheplanethexagon above-mentioned post (here’s the link again, seriously, read it!). Regarding their final thoughts that it’s fine to explore the ship, and it’s fine to explore the unhealthy parts of the ship. But we need to be careful to not glorify the toxicity of the potential pairing.

#wordgirl #becky botsford #tobey mccallister #tobecky #misogyny #toxic ships #shipping #pbs kids #okay that link to the victoria ask post...i'd only look at it on mobile #i linked it to my blog and i guess my blog layout doesn't like that post the order is completely mixed up??? #guess i have to find a new desktop blog theme because that can't be happening #it's very confusing

[anthrotographer]

Cleo from 5 to 7 (1962)

Directed by: Agnès Varda

Daises (1966)

Directed by: Věra Chytilová

Sorry for the long scroll. This is an essay I did for a class about a year ago. It was on two women directed foreign films Cleo from 5 to 7 and Daises. In the paper I get into a lot of the similarities between the films and what they do well, but I don’t get to really give my opinion on them. Both the Czech Daises and French Cleo are wonderfully unique. Daises was chaotic, fun, and plotless. I really had to work to eek out some meaning from that one. Cleo from 5 to 7 caught me by surprise of how much I loved it. It’s one of the best films I’ve ever watched. I don’t always judge films objectively like I ought to. Usually if there is an extremely stuck up, narcissistic lead character in a movie it turns me off. I’m not really interested in seeing personality types like that. Cleo from 5 to 7 breaks through for me though. The evolution of Cleo’s character is based so much on real experiences that I find it to be such a truthful story, with layers of weighty symbolism.

———————————————————————

The Timid Cleo and the Bold Daises

Through the Nineteen-sixties feminist movements could be seen sprouting all across the globe. The art, music, and filmmaking alike from these periods captured and spread these feminist ideals. Agnes Varda in France and Vera Chytilová in Czechoslovakia were women film directors who made films with women’s issues in mind. Varda’s Cleo from 5 to 7 is a slow, plot driven drama that follows, as David Cook puts it, “the life of a young pop singer who is waiting for a lab report that will tell her whether she has cancer” (Cook 370). Vera Chytilová ’s Daises appears to be a plot-less comedy headed by an anarchic female duo. Both films were made in patriarchal societies and appear to take place in them. The two films explore how their women protagonists deal with being seen as objects of beauty in these male dominated worlds. Cleo struggles with finding her self-worth outside of her superficiality and feels like maintaining her beauty is tied to that self-worth. Marie I and Marie II in Daises inversely have no questions about their self-worth and use their objectivity to their advantage. The Maries thus have less evolving to do in comparison to Cleo who’s journey it is to detach her pride from her beauty.

Cleo wallows in fear as she awaits the results of her biopsy. Everyone she would consider “close” to her, like her assistant, her boyfriend, and her pianist seem uninterested in her troubles or are unwilling to give her a comforting ear. That is until Cleo meets up with her old friend from art school, Dorothee. After a stressful day Cleo heads to the sculpting studio where Dorothee works as a nude model. As Cleo walks into the studio the camera appears to give us a first person shot from Cleo’s perspective. It’s a slow, apprehensive moving shot into the room where the sculpting is happening, giving us the feeling that Cleo is uncomfortable with what’s happening. Then we see Dorothee posing naked still in the middle of the class and she meets eyes with Cleo. She does not appear embarrassed in the slightest, on the contrary she is excited to see her friend. Cleo waits for Dorothee to finish her shift and get changed so they can walk out together. We learn as they talk that Cleo was in fact uncomfortable in the studio as she tells Dorothee that she would be “afraid people would find a fault” if that was her. Dorothee responds with one of the most profound quotes of the film and one that seems to stick with Cleo. Dorothee says “my body makes me happy, not proud” meaning that she can be happy about the way she looks without having her self-esteem or pride being affected by it. Through the first half of the film Cleo had been overtly concerned about her disease possibly affecting her appearance. This is exemplified by her constantly checking in mirrors to see if she is still pretty. It appears that to Cleo her beauty and fame are all she is good for. She sees herself through the patriarchal lens. For example, Cleo’s never present boyfriend shows up to her apartment for a quick chat in which he avoids the topic of her sickness and extols upon her beauty for five minutes until he leaves. Also, a few minutes later Bob, her pianist shows up and jokes about how he’s attracted to her because of her money. The possibility of a cancer diagnosis forces Cleo to start thinking the way Dorothee thinks. Allison Smith writes about Cleo’s cancer that “Her knowledge of its existence therefore obliges her to see herself differently, to take account of her own awareness” (Smith 97). This focus on the world outside of herself helps her find someone who actually cares about her and not just her good looks. That person is the soldier Antoine. Even though he finds her beautiful that is not the only aspect of Cleo that he is invested in. He cares about her health; the only other character in the film besides her longtime friend Dorothee that truly worries about her diagnosis. Cleo ultimately finds solace in the fact that she has made a real, non-superficial relationship with another human being. The protagonists in Daises also are involved in superficial relations, yet they do not perceive them as negative the way Cleo does.

The two young woman named Marie who headline the film Daises have no qualms about being objectified. Like Cleo, everywhere they go, they capture the gaze of men. The Maries are  comfortable within themselves enough to use their beauty as a tool for their own benefit. From the outset of the film the girls exclaim that they intend to spoil themselves, so using men for free dinners and then dropping them like used napkins afterwards naturally follows. One such occurrence happens in a scene where the red headed Marie is over at the apartment of some butterfly collecting pianist. The man creepily exclaims his love to her through a poem while Marie poses nude for him. He calls her Julie, giving us the impression that Marie gave him a false name, just like the Maries do with all the men they meet. Handing out false names shows the lack of commitment and respect they have for the men they toy with. Once Marie starts to put her bra back on, the pianist gets angry and says, “I wish you’d never come into my life!” Marie knows exactly how to play him though and the next thing he sees is Marie holding two framed butterflies over her exposed chest. The man completely reverts back to exclaiming his love for “Julie”. Marie uses this opportunity to ask for the one thing that the Maries always want, food. Women overeating is just one of the patriarchal taboos that Daises flips on its head.

The characters of this film go against the traditional patriarchal ideals of what women should be. Women are used to having their beauty be used against them and for the pleasure of men, but in Vera Chytilová ’s film the Maries use their beauty against men and for the pleasure of themselves. Traditionally women also have been forced into the submissive role in society, where they have to keep themselves composed and presentable constantly. To the Maries that is not even a thought that crosses their minds. They do not adhere to being the submissive ones, in fact they control the dialogue and direction of every interaction with men in the film. Laurel Harris seems to agree with me when he writes “…the Maries’ hysterical excess is a calculated response to inadequate roles in their society for individuals of their age and gender” (Harris 4). The duo also does not worry about seeming composed or mannerly when scoffing down pastries and appetizers in crowded restaurants. In antiquated gender roles women are made to watch how much they eat so they can maintain their figure, but at dinner with one of their suckers, one Marie asks the man “Are you on a diet?” I agree with Peter Hames assessment of Daises’ conception when he writes “Since women have been excluded from productive behavior, they have turned to art and play” (Hames 87). Hames is saying that Vera Chytilová ’s film is a reaction to woman being controlled for far too long. Whether Chytilová  set out to make a feminist film or not the end result for Daises is a film that does not judge its non-conformist female characters.

Cleo from 5 to 7 is more explicitly set in a male run society. Agnes Varda created a character in Cleo that starts off fully invested in that societal structure. Her happiness is tied up into her superficial being, but because of the cancer she is forced to take account of what truly is meaningful in her life. She starts to crave caring relationships with people who recognize her for more than just being a pretty pop star. Cleo finds the power within herself to break out of the caged existence of women in a male dominated society. Cleo at one point in the film rips off her wig and gives away her fashionable hat; two symbols of conventional female beauty. Cleo from 5 to 7 and Daises both represent women’s lives in these feministic ways.

The two women filmmakers Agnes Varda and Vera Chytilová end up making similar films in that they have themes of women empowerment. Yet, the way in which its illustrated in each film is drastically different. Chytilová’s Daises wastes no time in showing the viewer that women can be unapologetic anarchists. There is no preconception of womanhood that the Maries have to fight to overcome. They just are empowered women. Cleo from 5 to 7 shows the evolution that a particular woman has to make to escape from seeing herself as just an object. These films helped inspire a generation of women in not conforming to typical patriarchal standards.

 

 

Works Cited

Cook, David A. “Chapter 13.” A History of Narrative Film. W.W. Norton, 2016.

Hames, Peter. “The Golden Sixties: The Czechoslovak New Wave revisited.” Studies in

Eastern European Cinema, 2013.

Harris, Laurel. “Czech New Wave Cinema: The Children of Marx and Kafka.” PopMatters, PopMatters, 30 Mar. 2002.

Smith, Alison. “Agnes Varda.” Manchester and New York, Manchester University Press, 1998.

#barbosafilm #movie review #cleo from 5 to 7 #agnes varda #daises #věra chytilová #french film #czech film #feminism #feminist film #women in movies #women in film #female lead #movies #film photography #film #movie poster #film review #cinematography #director #screenshots #jitka cerhová #ivana karbanová #corinne marchand #1966 #1962 #michel legrand #French feminism #movie stills #film reviews

[kingofthewilderwest]

This hasn’t been a good year for me first I was stalked then I lost someone who I thought was a friend because my mental health issues caused me to impulsively lash out at people I been apologizing and apologizing they refuse to listen to me all they told me was get outside help. The thing is I was there for them when they needed me but when I needed them they abandon me I am autistic and have trouble regulating my emotions I explained that to them when they told me that I keep lashing out at people even after I apologize for it. :( what should I do? Should I just just keep spamming how sorry I am and that I will keep my mouth shut and not lash out at people anymore I just want them to like me again I don’t like lashing out at people I have no control over that why can’t they understand? How many times do I need to cry in their inbox until they realize how sorry I am and that this time I won’t lash out impulsively.

Hello, friend. <3 I'm really sorry for the struggle and pain you are going through. That's tough. My heart reaches out for you. I was in an extremely similar experience once (I'll talk about the experience and results below), so I both care about your situation, and I hope my message can help you with your choices moving forward. My phrasing might sound blunt, but every word is written with love, and I will give comfort through the end, so bear with me. Sorry that I suck at brief. XD

From the way you’ve described your situation, you’ve already been messaging friend(s) repeatedly explaining your actions, giving apologies, etc. My answer is under the assumption you’ve been sending repeated messages. Here’s the unfortunate kicker.

You need to stop messaging them. Period.

If you want them to feel better and feel better about you, you need to give them space for a decently long period of time without breaking that silence once, it doesn’t matter if your desired topic is helpfully explaining how you tick, apologizing, or talking about something entirely unrelated to the drama.

I know that's probably the hardest thing to do. I know for me, when I was in a situation like this, every fiber of my being *SCREAMED* at me to try to make things right by messaging again. I was so terrified I couldn’t leave it alone. I understand how scary it can be for someone to not listen to your apology. I understand the drive to get someone to understand your circumstance for why you messed up. I understand the overpowering pressure of guilt for having done something wrong and the itch to keep acting until I make it right. But you can't make it right by messaging someone repeatedly.

While your intent is reparation, your result is harassment. I'm so sorry to say this, but if you’re messaging like that, you are continuing to inflict pain and make matters worse because your constant messaging gives them no relief. It’s like constantly picking a scab to make it bleed again rather than letting it heal without touching it. If you pick that scab too much, you’ll lose more blood and you’ll get a scar. Lots of people, after being hurt, need time to process their emotions before they can be comfortable resuming a chill conversation. So long as you keep acting like this, they aren't going to want to listen to you, and your actions are going to make them wish they weren't around you. They’ll see you in a worse light because if you can’t give them time and space to heal themselves and you can’t stop fixating on past events, then they see that you’re not handling the situation well.

Now. If you do talk to them again, after that *LONG* break, there are several things you have to do. Ask if it’s okay to talk first and be clear it’ll be a one-time event. Be rational, be calm, be objective, accept responsibility for yourself without trashing yourself or sounding desperate for their response, and make sure you acknowledge their feelings and experiences as much as your own. Accept responsibility for yourself in your words. Make sure you listen to them, too, and respect their thoughts. 

I know that’s hard to do. I can get scared, tongue-tied, and emotional in conversations like this. The way I get around that is writing down what I’m going to say beforehand. That way, I can spend several days carefully tweaking my words so they’re optimally diplomatic (and have someone else check me if I need a second perspective). Now I have a script I can follow that can prevent me from tumbling into babbling emotion. “I’m sorry, I’ll keep my mouth shut, I just want you to like me again” will turn more people away, unfortunately. People don’t trust that because it sounds like you don’t have control of yourself, which makes them think more bad things could happen. Level-headed but kind discussion of the issue is essential; it shows you are *capable* of handling the situation. Showing capability helps engender trust. Also, please make it clear to your friend(s) that once this convo is done, the goal is to move on.

Note that your friend can say “no” if you ask to talk. And that’s okay. If they say “no,” leave it at “no,” and don’t try to get a “yes.” Your friend can still say “no” to points you make during your conversation. Those aren’t the words you want to hear but you have to accept them if they come. Stay humble. Do not try to get them to fully be in sync with you because that may be impossible and only hurt everyone more. All you can do is present yourself at your best; after that, it is their choice how they respond, and their responses must be accepted. If they are bitches, that’s on them, and you’re better off not being friends with shitty-ass uncaring bitches. If they choose not to be friends with you for understandable reasons, it hurts, but it’s valid; we do not have to be friends with every person we meet, even if they’re cool. And if they choose to forgive you, which they could too, then you guys have a basis to move forward again without reopening cans of worms. I do want to reassure you: I’ve had plenty of conversations like this go well and friendships get repaired. <3 It can be done.

Now. You said you feel your friends aren’t helping you at your time of need. I understand the pain of supporting a friend but the friend doesn’t reciprocate at the time I need them most. This was hard for me to learn, but: a friend is not obligated to help you. Yes, good friends will help when they can. Yes, if you’re only helping them and they’re nevvvvvvver helping you, that’s a one-sided relationship and that’s a bust. But healthy relationships also have boundaries and “no”s. It’s not a contractual obligation to help a friend through everything. Plus, not everyone has the skillset to help you for every need. Friends who are not used to neurodivergence might not know how to handle neurodivergent-specific challenges (that’s what I’ve experienced with my own support networks). You can explain it and hopefully they’ll get better about understanding how you tick, though. There’s even types of friends who understand how you tick but still not want to be around it, and sometimes that’s because they have to protect their own health. They can understand you lash out but still need to leave to heal themselves because lashing out hurts them, and they don’t have the energy or emotions to help or listen to you right after. They have enough on their plate trying to keep themselves going without assisting someone else too. Those things can happen. You may find out what type of friends yours are later.

And I know it’s really hard to regulate emotions... I’m saying this as someone who had extreme issues regulating my emotions due to neurodivergence and mental illness, albeit of different kinds... but ultimately mental health is an explanation, not an excuse, and you are still responsible for the results when you are cognizant enough to act well enough. You are valid for being autistic and that is not a problem, that is who you are period, and if they don’t respect that, that’s their issue. Explaining why you act like you do is a first step. It’s good to communicate and I think it’s good you want to your friends to know why it’s hard. But you do have to work at getting better with your treatment of people, too. Sometimes we do things outside of our control. Sometimes these will never be in our control. But some things will be in our control. Part of our responsibility as a friend is to not just admit we hurt someone in the past when we’re at our worst and least controllable, but make an effort, as we can, to prevent these things in the future, as we can. Figure out prevention tactics. Figure out ways your friends can be equipped and prepared if something happens. Find professionals who can help you with emotional regulation. And so forth.

Your friends do have a point about getting outside help. I love supporting my friends and helping them through emotionally dark times, but sometimes a friend’s mental health struggles are out of my abilities and I can’t be expected to be the one to handle it. I cannot help my friend with heart surgery because I am not a heart surgeon; likewise, sometimes I can’t help my friends with mental illness ailments because I am not a professional psychologist. If it is within your budget, this may be a valuable resource for you that will help you, your friends, and more.

If you’re anything like I was, what I said may make you want to go into another round of apologizing, but before you do that (you shouldn't! you can't!!!!), I want to explain what happened to me. This involves me talking about the worst period of my life, the worst mistakes I ever made, and the worst legacy I'll have to contend with. I haven't talked about it on tumblr because I haven't wanted people to misread me or judge me, but the truth is, those old mistakes are a defining characteristic of my everyday life because of how thoroughly I fucked up and hurt someone else by my desire to "make things right."

I was eighteen and sharing a dorm room with my high school significant other. We broke up several months into the school year. At first things were okay, but then our friendship started to slide. We both did foolish things and wrongdoings against each other. The result was my ex needed breathing space to heal, whereas I felt I needed to heal by coming closer to them. As you can see, these are opposites, and it... didn’t work. It resulted in me pestering them and them wanting to get further from me.

I was also suicidal at the time. I had undiagnosed ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria and maybe more, and all that put me in the worst psychological state of my life. My emotions were more powerful than I could control. I had no coping mechanisms yet. My diary entries sometimes don’t sound... sane... from that time period. Being suicidal, I begged my ex for help, and my ex said “no”. My ex was rude and cold (understandable... hard to be polite when you’re stressed), but still, she had a right to say “no.” No one is obligated to do anything, but I was extremely emotional at her denial. Terrified for my life, I tried telling my ex that I had helped HER through HER problems when SHE was depressed, why the fuck wouldn’t she help me with my low point? I felt like she abandoned me and I told her so. I was intending to suggest she was breaking a promise and being an uncaring, unfaithful friend... but my words came out sounding like I was guilt tripping. My friend felt emotionally abused, forced into a situation where someone was threatening their life if she didn’t do what I said.

That’s a lot of pressure on someone, a roommate screaming at her that she had to do X or someone would die. It’s a cruel thing to shove someone into. I did that. I did it accidentally, my only intentions were making amends and saving my life, but I’m still 200% responsible for the results. It destroyed her psychologically, and ten years later, I don’t think she’s fully recovered.

When I recovered from the worst of my mental illness lapse, I felt sick to my stomach about how much my emotional responses harmed her. Thus began my rounds of apologizing. At first she coldly “tolerated” it, but I couldn’t leave it alone because it didn’t feel like closure. She outright told me she would never forgive me and that made me more desperate. About once every six months for the next three years, I tried talking to her. She felt harassed. She increasingly hated me. Soon, she thought I was stalking her, and sent the start of what could’ve become legal action against me. One time, I tried talking to her about something entirely unrelated (I was trying to save a friend who was having panic attacks and my ex was unknowingly responsible for the panic attacks), I panicked, I grabbed her arm, she threatened to call the police on me, had the teacher drive her home from class, and the next thing I knew, we were both in the university’s Office of Student Conduct. Oof.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

For the rest of my life, I will have to contend with the fact I fucked up the person I loved the most, and that the best thing I could ever do to help her was... to... leave... her... be.

If I had let my friend breathe after my first apology, if I had given my friend space to process through her hurt emotions until she no longer felt hurt, we might have been able to rekindle a friendship. But I never gave her the time to heal. I never respected her “no, stop talking to me.” My apologies were intended to make her feel better because I knew I was hurting her, my apologies were intending to say “I’ll never hurt you again!” But instead I kept digging a deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper hole.

I realize this is a dismal story. I don’t want to scare you. I want you to read this private story of my pained heart to understand what happens when I let desperation do all the talking. I want to share it to show how much I care for your situation. And I want you to understand that... after I learned taking a step back... I had radically better results with the friends I got into conflicts with. It took a ton of effort and work to retrain my conduct, but it worked, and I’ve found stabler and happier and relatively drama-free relationships. And if I fuck up for some reason mental-health-wise, it’s usually a single conversation and done to get us back on track.

I fuck up, but I’ll never fuck up like that again, never ever EVER, nowhere CLOSE. And that’s a... happy ending in its own right, yeah?

I do believe in you. I believe that not every story has to end like the one between my ex and me. I want to give you that hope. I believe you have a good heart and you definitely want things better. You wouldn’t have messaged me (and I believe... others... on tumblr?) if this didn’t matter to you. And anyone who wants to do something about a problem has the starting kernel of Betterness happening. I believe you can find more peace. Maybe it won’t come right away and maybe there’ll be rocky points, but life can become better, relationships can become better. There are ways, even with mental health struggles, to find that comfortable equilibrium again.

I wish you the best, friend. Take care. <3 Rooting for you. I apologize if any of my words ended up coming out wrong accidentally. I really do hope you find some relief in this situation. <3

#long post #ask #ask me #non-dragons #don't mind me