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heylsgowt · 2 months

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la-nightraine · 30 days

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I Like a Lot of Aesthetics,

I wrote this on June 13, 2023 at around 23:41 my local time. For some reason, it stayed in Keep and never got posted, even though I say I like how I wrote it every time. So here you go now, enjoy!

Right now, I like cool-colored neon and synthwave. It's so dreamy and reminds me of "Lavender Haze" by Taylor Swift, and everything else from her album Midnights. It reminds me of stars and the dark and a much needed silence in the world at 2am. They sound like sparkly, twinkling ideas and I feel like strutting amongst them like spotlights on a big concert stage, and I feel like flying up.

Sometimes, I do feel like lofi and rainy days. Not necessarily warm colors, but low-saturated ones that put me to sleep kinda does the thing. It's all about sitting by a window bobbing your head up and down and getting lost in daydreams underneath the blanket you carried over on your shoulders. Maybe it screams lazy energy or that of a slow, calm day---not necessarily productive, but why not try to be while everything's paced nicely.

Other times, I feel pastel and dream pop---pink cloudy skies and Blue Neighbourhood by Troye Sivan. They are days spent playfully in a world of melted cotton candy and never-ending sunsets. Everything feels light and in flight, including me except, well, I've never been high. And it's when you feel so fluffy you could lay on a giant powdery fur and stay there forever.

This doesn't mean I never feel glittery, though. Of course I still do! Sometimes, pop makes you feel like the prettiest girl in the room and when that happens to me, I make sure my gestures show that I'm the prettiest girl to walk down this street today. I may look a little shy from time to time, but that's part of acting like a cutie. Deep down, I'm confident I look nice and that confidence will take a verbal criticism to put down. It doesn't have to be an actual fit of glitters, you just have to feel like you're glimmering under the sun like the winks of an idol.

On select occassions, I'd also feel hot. And by hot, I mean all eyes on me kinda thing. It makes me uncomfortable most of the times, I'm not gonna lie, but for times when it doesn't I do kinda feel like I'm dressed up for revenge. It's all about black and electronic music with a hint of trap, hiphop, or dance, which reminds me a lot of All Out by K/DA. It's like badass neon and powerful but teasing movements, the exact opposite of miss lazy lofi.

Another favorite vibe I have is guitar heavy and good hair days. Is it acoustic swaying with the wind to teach it how to dance? Or is it electric trying at the top of my lungs? I haven't played guitar in ages but I will never forget how it made me feel that one time I played my song onstage and feeling it while also nervous. And it's not like I don't know what it must feel like when I see people enjoy it on their own stages. It can be so alive that it physically tires me, but it can also be just sitting on a chair feeling the feels. I just love it.

The rarest of them all is ethereal and theatrical, because this is something I'm not usually fond of. But when it does happen, it's attempting to act like an angel. I say attempting because, why would I be cast as an angel with a voice like... this? Anyway, it feels more divine than royal, more white than gold, more cherry blossoms falling than freshly bloomed lavender bushes. The feeling of flying is because you have wings, not because the wind is taking you. It's trying really hard to act like you're on top of the world when in reality, you're just a smol bean among 8 billion more beans.

I must admit, there are moments that I can't associate with colors or aesthetic. Just the warmth of the feeling along with the smile that escaped. A little like warm, creamy coffee that makes you melt on your seat. Although sometimes it's more like a push of a button, that of a sudden flush of serotonin, that automatically raises both sides of my lips, narrows my eyes like the happiest kid in town, and commands me to twirl and skip around like a princess in a musical movie--a little like title track Fearless by Taylor Swift, which is by far the sole song of hers that makes me feel this way.

I like a lot of aesthetics and genres. I am not a master nor a jack of all trades; I'm just a mosaic of all the things that I chose and allowed to define me. To most people, it's a bunch of belief systems and physical evidences. To me, it's what paints everyone's eyes colorful and everyone's ears harmonious.