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system-of-a-feather · 8 months

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DISCLAIMER SECTION

I'm gonna ramble about race / cultural experiences and trauma (probably) and this time it really isn't a line of thought ignited by syscourse or anything - but I'll tag it's tw anyways cause I'd rather people be able to filter it out than get it out there, but anyways

(for the note this was actually spurred on from a number of conversations I was having with a few parts today at work, one of which being that post about "diagnosed early vs diagnosed late" trauma; none of these points necessarily reply to that but for transparency and context)

For all of this, if any points or topics relate or resonate with you, feel free to comment, reblog, discuss, whatever on this post. Theres a lot of trauma talk on this and some level of details (CW will be provided before each section along with CW: clears), but none of this is really intended as a vent or trauma dump as much as... ya know, just talking about it as it is.

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As we've gotten further and further along with our healing, we've come to be a lot more open and comfortable talking about topics specifically relating to our trauma - at least in a C-PTSD / paranoid about giving out things that can be used to hurt us sense - and that is honestly really great and I'm really happy and proud for that

The thing is though, even though we've mostly declawed how easily our main triggers can be poked at and thus enabled us to feel more confident and ok talking about it, we honestly still are hesitant to do so for two main reasons.

One, being a simple lack of motivation to do so as it doesn't really come up and we don't really think about it more than we have to and often when we have to its usually not a place of mind we have the spoons to talk about it - ya know, normal healthy things.

The second though is because we've really come to learn that a lot of people in online trauma and dissociative communities really don't understand a lot of the largest and foundational themes of the trauma we went through and in my experience in the community, more often than not the response I've gotten from sharing that sort of things have always been more uncomfortable at best than helpful or positive.

And I think there are like... maybe three main things about our childhood core trauma that just make it hard to talk about with the tone of the community + the general heavily white area. This isn't meant to be like "oh you are bad if you fall into this" or anything, I don't have any ill intent or "call out" to really anyone even those who might heavily contribute to this cause its not that much talked on afaik. Mostly talking about this in a sort of, I guess commentary? I dunno, food for thought I guess.

But the first area...

as you might expect from this post and some previous ones, is that due to the fact that the community is heavily white-person run and driven and filled with many white peers, a lot of the talk and understanding of "trauma" and what kind of "chronic childhood trauma" typically looks like to form DID is informed by a white and western standard of trauma. And that isn't to say it is WRONG or BAD, but it makes it so that there is an inherent understanding that anything that differs from that is typically "better" rather than looking at the differences in a large scale cultural-context lens. And this sort of stuff has on MULTIPLE occasions had people respond to me venting or sighing about trauma-related stuff and stating that they wish they had that growing up - which I absolutely understand but it is OBVIOUSLY intensely insensitive and lacking in insight. I don't think any of those people who made those comments MEANT bad, but the nature of the discussion of trauma in these spaces being so heavily white centric and run has made it so that people forget to take culture into account and over simplify trauma into this "A is bad and B is - even when bad as well - inherently better". There is probably a level of classism / assumptions based on class as well somewhere in there, but thats a line of thought I hadn't thought much on past just a "yeah that probably plays a role".

(CW: RAMCOA related topics, CSA, etc)

The second...

is that our relationship with our sister falls awkwardly into the "not programming" in the sense of it's scale and intensity, but it would also be incredibly understated to just call it "conditioning" either and this might just be a "my feelings" on the matter than an actual reflection of the community, but I do often feel as though the nature of it not being either would result in it either being minimized OR people assuming I am trying to claim that I have the same thing as those that experienced programming and its just a really awkward place to be in. There is a lot of black and white talk regarding psychological abuse perpetuated by a person in power who has knowledge of DID and toyed with you as an experiment and project by intentionally learning to manipulate the parts. It wasn't at all the same level of proper RAMCOA, but it also was not just "conditioned learning" as our dissociation was actively targeted as a mechanism to create an unquestioning pet - that of which ended off getting pettled off to the a pedophile.

The complexity and nuances of the trauma and relationship we had with our sister like that combined with the very black and white language regarding trauma talk of that kind has made it just really awkward to try to explain to people because its really not either but as far as I know there isn't a term for whatever it was either. While chatting with a part (forgot which honestly whoops) we were thinking of officially just making our own term of like "trained" but idk, we aren't the coining type of folk so *shrugs*

(CW: CLEARED)

The third area...

Is just how messy and black and white the talk around autism. To those that haven't followed this blog from the earliest of early days, it might seem as though we were recently diagnosed with autism (technically true) and thats it and all, but autism has been a HUGELY prevalent part of our childhood and trauma history and honestly none of it really fits into the common narratives in PTSD / CDD spaces.

Firstly, we were neither really "early diagnosed" OR "late diagnosed" as our parents and my oldest sister (who was early diagnosed) noticed it EARLY on and immediately shaped my entire life around my "Aspergers" diagnosis that I was told I had when I actually never saw a professional for. Regardless, to my knowledge, I was diagnosed with aspergers from age 4 until they changed it to ASD and I asked my mom about it again at 15 or 16 when I started seeing a therapist and found out she never actually had me formally diagnosed. I then became "undiagnosable" due to the disorders that they COULD confirm, plus the weird relationship with my sister, and that I was raised in a "heavily autistic environment" where it was very plausible that I simply learned autistic behaviors as - at the time, thank you DID - I was too high functioning / masking and didn't appear to have significant impairment in any other areas other than being "a bit weird" in terms of how I view society and behavior again, both of which could be accounted for by environment + C-PTSD. It wasn't until well after I cleared stabilization for DID and undid a lot of the intense training our sister put us through, did our masking drastically decrease and it became apparent that yeah, we actually are largely impacted by ASD which ended up with us in the last few months being diagnosed. We were diagnosed early, undiagnosed, labeled "can not confirm nor deny if this is ASD", then diagnosed late, all simultaneously and so we don't really know where our word would fall in the general pecking order of "which group does your experiences fall into".

The OTHER thing is that our two primary abusers were autistic and their autism WAS inherently a part of the trauma that we went through and a lot of the talk of autism on the internet is so 'low supports needs' centric and sugar coated that it is very hard to feel comfortable commenting on how actually ugly and harmful autism can be to the individual AND those around them. This isn't to say its Autistic Abuse or any of that garbage, but my abusers autism is not a negligible or coincidental aspect of their abuse. It didn't make them an abuser, but it was still a large part of it.

(CW: Physical abuse and neglect)

My dad is confusing for 5000 reasons and anyone whose had DMs with me for over a year will know I sometimes share some of the REALLY confusing things about my dad (pretty sure he has DID as well but thats a conspiracy theory), but between his cultural trauma, coming from a """third world""" country, and having missed out on certain learning targets growing up due to the aforementioned first two - he has never been given the information, coping skills, treatment, or context to handle his symptoms in anything close to a healthy way. Its only now that hes (I think) in his 60s that my mom got a better understanding of everything that he's gotten any support, but with the sheer lack of assistance in his childhood, teenage years, and adulthood, its both a large task and honestly arguably not fair on him to try to get him to understand it beyond what is necessary to give him a life worth living.

But again, he had no ability and no tools to navigate his symptoms due to his complex and unfortunate situation and he absolutely did the best he could with what he had. Some parts in the system don't forgive him, but almost all of them understand and respect the intent at least. For example, we were poorly fed (and when we were it was usually garbage; think KFC 5/7 days a week for dinner) until we were 16 and able to drag the family into actually cooking because my dad would get into violent and aggressive meltdowns over ANY food smells, ANY mess, and ANY warmth. Cooking was basically forbidden until then because everyone was too afraid to risk it. Like there is a lot more to that, but its not something I'm given as clear access to and I aint gonna pry, but most of the most abusive behavior from him could very much be stemmed down to a sensory or communication issue regarding his untreated autism and a lack of ability to cope with it resulting in violent meltdowns.

(CW: CLEARED)

(CW: ABA)

Likewise, my sister who had been given ABA, from a young age taught me "how to survive in the world as an autistic person" and directly passed on HER version of ABA and HER understanding of autism onto me, which was just a garbage, intentional or not, way to excuse making me into her pet project rather than actually coping with her own trauma. (Plus 95% of the "information" she "taught" me was garbage including the infamous "having multiple consciousnesses in your head is a normal autism thing as long as there are less than 5" that I clown on every other day)

(CW: CLEARED)

I dunno really how to wrap this up, its like a conglomeration of thoughts we had today so its not really well organized but like... I guess AHEM *puts on my highschool english essay hat*

And so I conclude my essay on *checks notes* reasons I feel weird talking about trauma in online spaces? I think thats the point of this post? Idk I'm just rambling XD

#alter: riku #riku rambles #long post #trauma talk #syscourse tw #aba tw #physical abuse tw #neglect tw #ramcoa cw #cw ramcoa #psychological abuse tw #csa tw

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ghcstvalleychief · 2 years

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Inspired by this amazing post. You should go check it out.

Kinn is a fucking softie, fam. I never understood this strange assumption that he's this evil boogeyman. Considering the show he's on and compared to the other characters on this show, he's probably the most tame out of everyone on this show. Kinn wears his emotions on his sleeve and he's so easy to read. Especially when it comes to people who know him best. He can hide who he is around his enemies and allies, but he's an open book around those closest to him.

Not to say this is a bad thing, because it’s not. We love a softie who can do what needs to be done when necessary. Kinn cares too fucking much and I would definitely like to see him treat the people around him the way they treat him but I know he wouldn't do that. He can stand to be more selfish and less merciful, but we have to understand that's not who Kinn is. At his core, he cares about his people (canon fact). Kinn's selflessness comes at a price. It's why he's drowning. Mentally, he's unwell and he just allows certain things to happen to him and he doesn't retaliate when he could or should. I wonder if he allows it because he feels like he deserves it? 🤔 Does he think he deserves to be treated like an afterthought? Just as long as he's receiving the requited love he's always wanted, maybe. I'm sure that's the effects of Korn's abuse as Kinn doesn't know love without conditions. He doesn't know how to receive unconditional love as he's never had it, so he overlooks betrayal as long as he's still loved. He won’t rock the boat because he’s been conditioned to believe the only way he can obtain and maintain validation and approval from those he loves is if he turns a blind eye to the bad things.

Despite this selflessness, Kinn is not stupid. He's far more intelligent than people give him credit for. You don't have to believe he's smart and that's your right, but that wouldn't be factually true. That wouldn't be accurate according to canon. Regardless of how the writers wrote him (or didn't write him) in the last half of the season, Kinn sees all. He notices everything. He knows when something isn't necessarily right. He won't confront the issue and he won't discuss it, because he thinks it's normal. It's normal for him to receive that kind of love. I love Porsche but his shenanigans would have been enough to make the average person leave without question. The mixed signals that come with his actions would make a perfectly stable person to wonder if he even loves them. That's just something to note. I'm not saying that Kinn is this innocent uwu baby, but I am saying that Porsche isn't innocent either.

Korn has established a baseline for the way Kinn receives love. I don’t doubt that Kinn may have realized that Tawan wasn’t the real thing, but I think Kinn overlooked what was right in front of his face due to his upbringing. It all goes back to the way Korn uses his children as pawns in a chess game. Kinn has an abusive father who doesn’t raise a hand to him but he wields words in a way that doesn’t leave any room for agency and choice. I don’t think Kinn realizes he has a choice in the matter. He accepts whatever he can get, because it appears as if Korn held his love over Kinn’s head just as long as he did what he’s told. Just as long as he’s Daddy’s perfect little mafia heir, he will get that love. Unfortunately, he won’t ever reach that point of realization until he confronts that issue and receives professional help dealing with it. Kinn is trapped in a mental prison his father has created for him.

#kinn theerapanyakul #kinn theerapanyakun #kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche meta #kinnporsche #my meta #my analysis #tv: kinnporsche #kinn #porsche #korn #abuse mention #abuse tw #psychological abuse tw

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aquadestinyswriting · 10 months

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The Final Straw

Summary: Yoruk pleads with his mother to see reason once again. Only things get a bit out of hand as the argument escalates.

Words: 2,306

Tags: @druidx @homesteadchronicles @sparrow-orion-writes ,@warriorbookworm, @odysseywritings, @writeblrsupport @blind-the-winds

Warnings: physical abuse, magical abuse, psychological abuse, suffocation, blood mention, parental abuse, domestic abuse (I think that's everything, let me know if not).

Notes: Takes place about two days after Yoruk proposes to Meredith and after certain events in @druidx's 'What Alexis Did Next'. This one is going to be pretty heavy going, so you've been warned.

The staff of the Copperheart estate were used to the regular screams of the house’s mistress and the odd explosion of something relatively inexpensive being Shattered; Lady Copperheart’s temper was legendary and had been a fact of life here for nearly five centuries at this point. What was less common, but now becoming increasingly common, was the return shouts of the Lady’s only child. Firik, the house’s elderly butler, retreated down into the kitchens to wait out the yelling match with a weary sigh.

Yoruk crossed his arms over his chest as his mother’s tirade came to an end, her chest heaving with exertion and emotion,

“I’m going mother, and that’s that.” he said as calmly as he could manage, “I’m sixty-seven years old and a fully grown man. You don’t get any say in what I can do with my life any more.” he told her. Ionah felt her rage bubble up again, a surge of arcane power welling up within her and threatening to spill over. She fought the sensation down and glared at her son, tucking several stray hairs that had come loose from her customary braids behind her ears,

“An adult? What I see before me is currently one very ungrateful brat of a son who doesn’t seem to understand how this is going to affect the reputation of this house!” she snapped, “It’s quite bad enough that you even proposed to that little trollop of a smith’s daughter, and now you think you get to leave before calling that off and finding a decent match that reflects the honour and prestige of the Copperheart name? I don’t think so.”

Yoruk felt his own temper flare at his mother’s words, a swell of righteous indignation and anger already bubbling over despite his attempts to fight it down,

“The ‘trollop’ has a name.” he ground out, “What you don’t seem to realise, mother, is that she has far more honour than you ever will. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to go and start packing.” Yoruk started to march to the door, only to find his progress halted as every muscle in his body suddenly froze up.

Ionah’s hand trembled, clenched so tightly that her knuckles were white. The noblewoman walked slowly over to her son and backhanded him with her free hand, hard enough for her rings to leave imprints on his cheek.

“You are not going anywhere.” she snarled, “You will call off that farce of an engagement and you will Inform Captain Bolhammer that you are resigning as a member of the Moradhir Guard and resuming your training as a Kingsguard.” she spat. Despite the magical Hold on his person, Yoruk managed to send the much shorter woman a hot glare. His ears rang and vision blurred as his lungs strained against the magical paralysis. The divine magic that had been slowly building around the paladin finally spilled over and released itself with a massive Crack!

Ionah’s eyes went wide as the force of the explosion of magic knocked her to the floor, shattering her concentration and unbinding her spell. The noblewoman quickly cast another spell, slowing her travel enough that she was able to avoid slamming into the fireplace and roll to her side, unharmed.

Yoruk coughed as fresh air finally entered his lungs once more. He fell to his hands and knees as fire ripped through every last nerve in his body, his stubborn determination the only thing preventing him from falling into unconsciousness. He was too distracted to notice his mother’s recovery as she stood, picking up the poker next to the fireplace.

Ionah’s thoughts raced as she approached the young man, who was still coughing and wheezing even as she slowly walked towards him. So the ungrateful brat was stupid enough to use magic against her to get his own way? Clearly he needed a more severe lesson in manners. She should never have let Forhok cow her into allowing him to go into training as a paladin. Her hands shook some more as she raised the poker above her head. She should have done this a long time ago. Clearly her own parents knew far better, if she hadn’t thought that she was better than them, then perhaps she might have had a son at all. Not this… thing that pretended to love her. She brought the poker down.

Ionah did not know how long it took before she was wrestled away from the bleeding and bruised body below her. She couldn’t hear what was being shouted at her over the ringing in her ears as she pushed the staff that had dared to manhandle her away, nor her own screams at them to not touch her. When it became clear they would not allow her to continue her punishment, Ionah marched up to Yoruk’s room, threw some clothing into a trunk and threw it down the stairs and out of the somehow open front door.

A small group of Ironguard stared as a trunk flew out of the door of the Copperheart residence and flew open, scattering various items of clothing out onto the front garden of the manor. The most senior officer placed a reassuring hand on the trembling maid who had rushed out and hailed them,

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of things from here.” he nodded to the rest of the group,

“Stonebreaker, Woldbasher, start questioning the rest of the staff about what happened, Onyxaxe, Thundersword, you’re with me. Let’s see what kind of situation we’re getting ourselves into.” he said. The other officers saluted him and cautiously entered the front door.

The first thing Lieutenant Broadforge and his men saw was Lady Copperheart, her dress covered in soot and ash and her normally impeccable hair coming loose from her style waltzing down the stairs from the upper levels. The noblewoman smiled at them and attempted to dust off her dress,

“Ah, good afternoon officers. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?” she asked pleasantly. Broadforge noted the glazed eyes and distant expression on the lady’s face but returned the smile and bowed,

“We had some reports of a disturbance up this way ma’am.” he replied, “We just wanted to check things out and make sure nothing was amiss.” The lieutenant surreptitiously gestured for two of his men to go into the main sitting room, where he’d noted a large gathering of what appeared to be staff out of the corner of his eye. He returned his attention to Ionah as she heaved a sigh,

“I do apologise, lieutenant, it seems the argument between myself and the ungrateful young man who used to live here was a little louder than I thought.” she said, “If you could, can you escort him from the premises please? I no longer wish to have him under my roof.” Broadforge nodded and offered the noblewoman his arm,

“Why don’t we talk about the matter in the drawing room while my lads deal with this young gent, eh?” he offered. Ionah nodded and came the rest of the way down the stairs, gently rejected the offered arm and strode airily towards the drawing room on the opposite end of the hall to the front sitting room. The Lieutenant looked to his men and gestured for the others to go into the sitting room to see what was going on.

Stonebreaker, Woldbasher, Onyxaxe and Thundersword all stared at the scene that greeted them as they walked into the sitting room. Several paintings had been knocked from the walls and a cabinet lay on its side, the glass shattered and all the little ornaments that it held scattered on the floor. In the middle of the room, surrounded by various members of staff was the bruised and bleeding form of a young man, collapsed and unconscious on the floor.

Woldbasher was the first to react, quickly getting Thundersword to help him clear the staff away and start talking to them, while Onyxaxe knelt down next to Yoruk and checked him over,

“Laddie’s alive, thank Moradin. Better get him down to the infirmary right quick though, looks like there’s at least a couple of broken bones here.” he called. Stonebreaker nodded and walked back to the door,

“I’ll run off and let them know.” he said, “I’ll get a hold of some of the Moradhir guard to give us a hand while I’m at the cathedral too, seeing as the lad’s one of them.” he added, gesturing to the etched leather shoulder pad Yoruk was wearing. Onyxaxe nodded and looked up at Firik, who was kneeling opposite him,

“Alright, so what happened?” he asked. Firik shook his head and gestured to the poker that was lying nearby,

“I’m not sure on specifics, but we heard a loud crack from down in the kitchen, rush up here and have to manhandle Lady Copperheart away from Master Yoruk because she was beating him with that.” he replied. He swallowed thickly, “We knew she had a temper, but we never thought she would go this far.” Woldbasher's eyes narrowed,

"Sounds like we need to have her ladyship brought down to the watchhouse to answer a few questions." He said, "Can't be having that kind of behaviour." Thundersword shook his head,

"The lieutenant's got the say on that." He said, "And it depends on the lad pressing charges."

"Knowing Master Yoruk, he probably won't." A short, rotund woman sighed, "From what I hear, he's been ordered on an expedition away from the mount, along with a bunch of other paladins and Kingsguard, to find whoever tried assassinating the king the other day."

"You mean the assisination attempt at the ball?" Onyxaxe asked, "Thought it was agreed that it were the Dalliance lass?"

"Aye, that's the official word, but no one knows where she's gone. It's why the palace has ordered a bunch of expeditions to go find her." Woldbasher said. The tall dwarf turned to the much shorter woman,

"When was he due to leave? He asked. The matron sighed,

"Next week. He'll definitely insist on going now, he was on the verge of walking out and never coming back before this kicked off." A stony silence fell over the group. Unless Yoruk wanted to stay in Fangthane, then there was every possibility that Lady Copperheart would get away with what she had done scott free.

Lieutenant Broadforge shook his head as he regarded the woman in front of him.

"So you were defending yourself then?" He asked, noting that Ionah seemed to be completely unharmed. Ionah nodded, dabbing at her eyes with a beautifully embroidered handkerchief,

"Yes officer. I don't know what came over him. Yoruk was arguing with me over my concerns about him leaving on this expedition. I merely told him to stop being ridiculous and that he had other responsibilities here to take care of. I walk up to him to better get my point across, the next thing I know I'm flying back from him and he's walking over with his hands raised." She sniffled,

"I was, as you can imagine, absolutely terrified, so I reached for something to defend myself with. Luckily, I was able to overpower him and knock him unconscious before he could touch me."

Broadforge rubbed at his temple,

"We'll collect statements from everyone in the house and get one from your son once he wakes up again." Ionah glared at the Ironguard,

"I won't keep you from your investigation, officer, but as of this moment that monster is not my son." She said, "As much as it pains me to do so, I cannot, and will not, have him associated with the Copperheart name any longer." Broadforge's head snapped up, his eyes wide,

"My Lady Copperheart, are you absolutely certain?" He asked, "You're willing to leave your House entirely without an heir?" Ionah nodded, her eyes brimming once more,

"I am more than aware of the consequences Officer Broadforge." She replied, her voice tight, "However, I don't believe I have any other choice. The boy is not fit to wield the clan name, and I won't have its reputation ruined by association."

Broadforge noted Ionah's statement and nodded wearily,

"Of course, my Lady, forgive me." He sighed. Something wasn't adding up, but until he got the reports from his team, he couldn't waste time on making assumptions. He stood and bowed,

"Thank you for your cooperation Lady Copperheart. I'll keep you apprised of the situation. Have a good day." Ionah stood and nodded,

"Of course, officer. I'm so sorry to have inconvenienced you." Broadforge cocked his head,

"Given the severity of what occurred in your statement, will you be willing to press charges if it comes to it?" He asked, "Only because His Majesty takes such accusations of domestic abuse incredibly seriously." Ionah shook her head,

"If it's all the same to you, officer, I don't think that's entirely necessary. As terrified as I was, and still am, I think he'll learn a hard enough lesson while on this expedition he's insisted on going on." She replied. Broadforge nodded again, saluted the woman and left the room.

Ionah scowled at the door once it was closed. She pulled out a small necklace from under her dress and regarded it. The attached symbol of an eye with draconic wings sprouting from it on either side glinted in the dim light of the glowstones. Khalin willing, the impertinent boy would die while he was gone, solving all of her problems in one fell swoop. She placed the necklace back under her bodice as she heard the Moradhir Guard arrive to escort her former son out of the house. She smiled, then began to loudly pretend to sob, burying her head into her hands. Appearances needed to be kept up after all.

#aquadestinyswriting #abuse tw #parental abuse tw #physical abuse tw #psychological abuse tw #suffocation tw #magical abuse #domestic abuse tw #the trouble with meredith #yoruk bloodvein #ionah copperheart #titan fighting fantasy

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delvedinto · 3 months

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⌜ pinterest / wanted connections ⌟

( maia mitchell, cisfemale, she / her ) — 🎬 just announced, FLORENCE DUCATTI is casted as CAROLINE FORBES in upcoming THE VAMPIRE DIARIES reboot. the twenty eight year old is trending as people are debating if the middle finger as a automatic answer , dior shades hiding sour - some glares , rubbing sea salt into deep wounds , a closet packed with monsters from hellish nightmares , yelling at the top of her lungs in italian at the smallest of inconveniences that they are known for is enough to make them as good as original. a quick google search shows that their fans call them diligent, but internet trolls think they’re more bloodless i guess their newest interview for variety where they talk about her newest addition to her vinyl collection will let people to know them better.

triggers: mental health specifically ptsd and psychosis , stabbing , murder , psychological and physical abuse.

STATISTICS.

full name : florence ducatti , gwyn isaac. nickname(s) : flossie , flo. gender / pronouns : cisfemale / she & her. birthday &. age : august 18th ‘97, 26. hometown : lismore , australia. current location : soho , new york city. accent : mild australian. languages : italian ( native ) , english ( fluent ). sexual orientation : bisexual. romantic orientation : biromantic. relationship status : recently single , heart broken. religion : athetist. occupation : former prima ballerina , singer / songwriter & actress. voice claim : renee rapp. character inspo : isabel ' belly ' conklin ( the summer i turned pretty ) , belle fox ( the artful dodger ) , callie adams foster ( good trouble ) , harper mclean ( heartbreak high ) , veronica lodge ( riverdale ) , quinn fabray ( glee ) , cassie salazar ( purple hearts ).

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

face claim : maia mitchell. height : 5′5″ / 1.68 m .eye color : brown. hair color : dark brunette. piercings: ear lobes ( both ), seconds ( both ), thirds ( both ), conch ( left ), daith ( right ), forward helix ( right ), industrial ( left ), tragus ( right ). left nipple. belly button. tattoos: eight , see pinterest board. signature scent : bitter peach , tom ford.

HEALTH.

mental disorders : anxiety , insomnia secondary to night terrors. learning disabilities : severe dyslexia. physical disorders : a torn ligament in right wrist , type one diabetes. allergies : penicillin , peanuts. sleeping habits : night owl , insomniac , consistent night terrors since the age of sixteen. addictions : disposable vapes , nicotine. drug use : weed , has used ketamine previously. alcohol use : occasional.

FAMILY.

father : rowland isaac ( 55, deceased ). mother : grace isaac nee ducatti. ( 51 ).

florence , known strictly to family only as gwyn , was born and raised in australia by her parents ; grace and rowland isaac. rowland served as lead for education , whereby he was the rank of a warrant officer , of the australian air force. one of his first deployments at the age of twenty led him to sicily , italy , where he soon met and fell in love with grace ducatti. at the time , grace was a law student and planned to become a criminal defence lawyer for high prolific cases. their romance was fast - progressing , an engagement with a year and plans for a family came soon after.

with rowland’s return to his home base , grace didn’t follow straight away. maybe that should’ve been his first red flag , but instead she chose to go travelling with some university friends. it was there , she met another man and fell into another whirlwind romance without informing her fiancée. reuniting with rowland was electrifying , a night spent under the stars and an announcement she’d been hiding to tell him in person. she’d fallen pregnant with their first child , a boy , or that’s what she told him. failing to mention it wasn’t his child , leading him into a false sense of commitment.

as rowland was none the wiser to grace’s heated rendezvous abroad , he raised dylan as any loving father did. he was taken under his wing from the moment he could walk , or that was the story repeated year or year. cut to nine years later , grace and rowland were separated again when her work took her across country and left him home alone to battle the reality of being a war hero and first - time father. memories of war began to dismantle rowland’s interior , first it was the flash backs that paralysed him in his sleep then it had audio follow its’ pursuit.

trying to navigate a stable home became difficult , hard to hide the aspects of a deteriorating mental health in view of a young child who didn’t understand at first. rowland decided to leave the air force before grace returned , discovering him more feeble than previous. he was a man who didn’t believe in therapy , would sit through the memories of a bloodbath that plagued his mind. grace , on the other hand , didn’t pay a single thought to him or their family while away , entangling herself in another man’s sheets once again.

nine months on , she’d convinced rowland he was going to be a dad again. being a father was his greatest love but the man knew it was the wrong time to raise another , he tried to discuss other options for their unborn child but grace was adamant she was having their second child , a girl to complete their quad. violent arguments grew between them , grace always having the upper hand by any means necessary ; whether that was blackmail or an attempt to guilt trip him.

with another set of little feet running around their home , florence’s father’s mental health took another plummet. episodes of disorientation and agitation happened more frequently , his anger spiking at a single squeak that escaped his daughter’s mouth. he knew he was a hazard in the home but still refused to seek medical help , grace simply dismissing his behaviour and labelling him as a neglectful father instead. neighbours raised concerns for the young child , often overbearing the heated discussions shouted through thin walls , every word enough to make a small girl cry.

his squash of memory happened more frequently , not remembering where he was or who was there. believing him to still be in an active war zone , a weapon carried at his side every minute from the moment his son left for university. florence , an upcoming ballerina , still in junior school but a top performing in fine arts and struggling with literature ; specifically reading.

words melting together like alphabet soup , spelling so atrocious that a child her inferior age could correct her. italian was her first language , one she didn’t struggle as much with but still noticeable errors occurred , english on the other hand was another story. undergoing examinations and assessments led to a diagnosis of dyslexia but with a father so unwell and a mother who’s barely home , she was a lost cause until approaching her best friend’s father , begging for some sort of guidance to help navigate her school work. she couldn’t continue to fail , with the help of his oldest , acer , she started to improve enough to get the minimum she needed to pass.

her sixteenth birthday came quick amidst the decline her father faced , it was now advised she shouldn’t be left home alone with him but grace found that hard to believe , he wouldn’t hurt his only daughter. that day proved grace wrong.

it started as any ordinary day , school drop off and eight hours locked in academia before florence returned home. she’d gone straight to her room , rowland taking his usual afternoon nap to calm the terrors in his mind but instead , they became a reality & their home was a new territory to defend from the enemy. believing his daughter to be an opponent , he charged through the home with a hammer secured tight in a fist and all florence had was a dirty butter knife to her defence. she’d manage to throw it to cause a distraction , allowing her seconds to escape from a corner where he’d trapped her and she landed in the kitchen. not her greatest idea with all the possible fatal objects but there was nowhere else to hide.

the island in the middle was her greatest tactic , able to shift the opposite way to a swinging hammer determined to meet her head. she cried , begged for him to awake from his nightmare , but no amount of pleading did her justice. another corner and she’s trapped , her only option was to fight back and that’s when she reached for a sharpened knife , plowing the blade deep into his chest. she tried to stop the bleeding , to call an ambulance who responded as a category one emergency but there was no saving him , he died in her arms and covered linen white trousers in a bloodbath , a puddle seeping underneath her that greeted her brother on his return home from the semester.

to this day , florence has never forgiven herself or forgotten that night. often woken by night terrors of her own in fear the event’s repeated. the case was dropped & she was encouraged to change her name when settled away. no one would know the story of what happened , gwyn isaac never existed. very few people know the truth , but even then she’d never told the whole story.

resentment grew inside grace towards florence for what she did , accusing her of ruining their family and bringing nothing but horror to their name. to this day , grace never told anyone that florence was never rowland’s daughter. she was a second product of an affair. instead , florence has only recently discovered this herself after agreeing to do a dna test for ‘ shits and giggles ‘.

she became a principal ballerina after her studies , flying back to italy to attend its’ dance program and achieving many accolades. she’s danced at the royal albert hall in london , plus the infamous sydney opera house. however , bad luck struck again for her.

when she turned twenty five , she started having her own ‘ funny ‘ episodes. nothing like rowland’s , it was more her physical health that took a decline. passing out , unable to rouse , eyes rolling to the back of her head were all serious concerns and she was found unconscious one night in her own home. rushed to hospital , it was there she got diagnosed with type one diabetes.

she struggled for months to come to terms with it , not understanding or processing how it took so long to become known. there was no family history , no previous signs that indicated to such a life - limiting condition. self - injecting became her next fear , afraid audience members would be able to see through her leotard where her monitor hid was enough to consider an early retirement.

after seven years dedicating her life to ballet , she hung up her slippers. for months , she’d spiralled about what to do next. she’d built a name for herself in the world of dance , gathered attention on social media for her performances for that to all suddenly end in the trash. to top it off , her brother was taken prisoner of war and entire support system was slashed after yet another argument with her mom.

a love for music genres bounced her into some luck , she dipped her toes into creating. landing herself two huge gigs in broadway , then signed onto a contract to make her own music after a video of an original song of hers , ‘ too well ‘ went viral on social media.

but bad luck was never too far away and caught up with her in the last month , falling into a private relationship over a year ago was fun and games until it was revealed he was sleeping with one of her closest friends ( wanted connections ). to distract her , she's found a new love of acting and is continuing to audition while creating music. she's finally landed her first breakout role in tv which happens to be the role of caroline forbes in the vampire diaries reboot.

#𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐕𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 — 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘪 : 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚞𝚜 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 .#𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐕𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 — 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘪 : 𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚒𝚙𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎 .#𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐕𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 — 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘪 : 𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎 .#ptsd tw #psychosis tw #murder tw #stabbing tw #psychological abuse tw #physical abuse tw

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one-abuse-survivor · 1 year

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Hello, hope you are doing well!

I was wondering if you have any tips on dealing with long-term dehumanization?

Growing up, my mother had a lot of mood swings (sometimes she was somewhat caring and I could talk to her, sometimes she's lock herself in her room and stay there, but most of the time she spent telling me about her various beliefs and (what probably) is delusions).

Long story short, I was punished if I didn't behave as expected, and was heavily isolated with the only other people in my life treating me similarly or worse, so I never knew it was weird.

It's to the level that a few months ago my mother told her friends that I'm spiritually an escapee alien from a horrible far-off planet that ran to earth in hopes of escaping it all, and therefor I'm not a real person and stuff.

Like I had multiple adults come to me and say things like "you did [insert blank] when you were younger, I should have known that you weren't actually human! no real human would do something like that".

I've always had to try and prove my humaness and the fact I exist as another person, but my mother (usually, her moods change.) refuses to understand that and gets mad at me if I'm not her perfect emotionless spreader-of-her-words and helper/worker.

I was stuck nearly 3 years in isolation with her and that treatment from anyone in my life (moved super long away so no contact with the few people I knew outside of them) and I was able to get out but I really do not understand how to function and how to exist without expecting to behave the same (which... didn't work because the person that's been letting me stay wants me out in a few weeks now because I don't act like a real person, essentially.)

Sorry about the rant/vent, I just.. I don't really know what to do and my support network is really small and turns out some people I thought I could trust knew about stuff that should have gotten me removed and they didn't do anything and akerjgnkaejrng.,

Thank you a ton for any advice/tips/input you share!! Hope you have a good day/evening/night/week

Hi, nonnie! Sorry it took me so long to reply. What your mother did to you sounds like psychological torture, and I'm so sorry it's been so hard to deal with it even in the aftermath.

I'm afraid I don't know nearly enough about dehumanisation to be of help here. I really hope you found things and people that helped you cope, as well as a safe place to live in. It sounds like therapy might be helpful if that's something that's available for you.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

#Ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Dehumanisation tw #Dehumanization tw #Abusive mother tw #delusions tw #Psychological abuse tw

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dayanitas · 2 years

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TASK ONE : NOTHING HAUNTS US LIKE THE THINGS WE DON’T SAY

In the social season of 1880, Dayanita Davalbhakta is the most desirable bride in all of London. Beautiful and clever, and with a vast fortune to inherit, opportunity for a girl such as Dayanita is near endless.

In the end, it is Kaan Demir she chooses. They are rich and beautiful both, and it is a match received well in society. In the April of that year, the two of them are wed.

It is not soon after that the trouble starts.

The thing with poison is that you never feel its effects immediately. Rather, it creeps up on you. This is never more true than when fed a low dose over a prolonged period. One drop spreads through the system, until it is running through every vein.

She has never fooled herself into believing that they were in love with one another. Their marriage was not about romance, but the union of two people who, on paper, needed something from one another, and negotiated like a business proposition. Still, whilst she did not look for love, she expected respect, and that was one thing Kaan Demir was not prepared to give.

It starts small, biting comments when she leaves for a night with Zoya or Arthur. Daya pays such comments little mind. It blooms into something more, arguments picked whenever she has a successful day at work. It culminates in blazing rows that leave her throat burning, her eyes stinging, and her mind racing with the possibility that Kaan could be right.

When she ends the day alone in the room she does not share with her husband, she is so full of rage that she cannot tell that some of it does not belong to her.

By the beginning of 1885, there is no denying that Daya is expecting a child. When the first signs had become apparent (a missed period, an aversion to the foods she usually adores, a bone-weary tiredness that she cannot seem to shake), she had stubbornly ignored it. It isn't that she does not want a child, but she certain does not want to have a child with Kaan. When they cannot seem to agree on the simplest of things, how are they to raise a child?

But as she grows larger and heavier, and her child begins to move within her, and Daya feels the first flush of maternal instinct towards him or her or them, it cannot be denied anymore. The child is coming, whether she wills it or not, and there is nothing she can do but lie there at night, one hand on her ballooning stomach, and hate so fiercely that she cannot tell that much of that hate is not her own.

By 1888, Daya is a shell of the woman she once was. The young woman who had so captivated London's social scene has all but vanished. Many who knew her then do not speak to her any more, The few who do are kept at arms length - all but her daughter, perhaps the only bright spot in the misery that has become her life.

Kaan is rarely around anymore, and when he is, things are worse than they have ever been, and anytime Daya thinks that things cannot devolve further, they do. He claims to be at work, but Daya believes differently, believes that another woman occupies his time. She still does not love him, but the shame of it burns - so raw and visceral that she cannot believe such a feeling comes from within her. What Daya does not realise is that it doesn't. Like her rage and her hate, her shame stems from somebody else.

In the January of 1889, Daya wakes under the water of a lake that decorates the edge of her garden. She has no memory of how she came to be there, for she has never walked in her sleep before. She opens her mouth to scream, letting in lungfuls of cold water, and as she rises from the muddy bed of the water, she coughs and splutters to clear her chest, gulping down as much fresh air as she can. She is full of anger and pain, and for the first time, she knows that it is not hers.

What she does not know is from where it came.

#inspo #self para #abuse tw #psychological abuse tw #just to be safe!#mental health tw #pregnancy tw #childbirth tw #depression tw #post partum tw #drowning tw #suicide tw #menstruation tw #mentions of

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littledemonlorne · 2 months

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Chapters: 15/15 Fandom: Original Work Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death Relationships: Original Male Character/Original Male Character Characters: Original Male Character(s), Original Male Character(s) of Color, Original Non-Human Character(s), Original Female Character(s), Original Trans Character(s), Original Cat Character(s) Additional Tags: Native American Character(s), Trans Male Character, Cannibalism, Mountains, Cabins, Winter, Birthday Party, birthday week, Creature Fic, goes from bad to worse to sort of bittersweet, Self-Discovery, Fear of Discovery, Forced Cannibalism, Forced Kissing, French Kissing, Forced Feeding Summary:

How could it have gone like this? Why did it have to be them? Just why in the world did it have to be him? And just what did it want from him? Truly want from him?

#violence tw #abuse tw #psychological abuse tw #murder tw #cannibalism tw #torture tw #gore tw #blood tw #death tw #forced cannibalism tw #forced kiss tw #plz leave a comment guys #I wanna know your thoughts about this #so please pretty pretty please

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heartfe1t · 1 year

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✮ — chrissy cunningham / hey homecoming queen

( secondary canon muse | source: stranger things | main verse: pre s4 )

a study in: so good at smiling for most of your life, perfect makeup to hide what's inside, pretty popular girl, sweetheart, suburban gothic (the horrors of your picture perfect upper class life instead of the monsters most fear), god save the prom queen (he won’t), he wants you with that white picket fence (to keep you on a shelf), canary in the coal mine (sacrificing the innocent), eating yourself from the inside out (and crying yourself to sleep)

( cc1 ) class of 86

senior year! you're that much closer to some form of escape. jason will get you out of that house. he has to. he's going to go to some college on a basketball scholarship and maybe you can go with him. cheer for his team in your cute little uniform and pray to god it fits every week just like you do now. momma still says all those awful things. withholds your dinner if you look at her wrong. you eat all you're served, those tiny portions so unlike the ones given to your little brother. he's a growing boy. you're growing too. or maybe you won't grow any more. your doctor's not sure you met your full potential. frankly no one thinks you've met your full potential. everyone at school thinks you're perfect though. the pretty popular cheerleader. everyone loves you. you feel so alone. so scared too. you lost one of your friends over the summer... things start getting scarier...

( cc2 ) gold rush

fandomless senior year verse. very similar to v1 but anywhere not hawkins in particular. still a small town girl. still dealing with her parents. has more hope of freedom and seeing the world. not depending on a boy to save her.

( cc3 ) i almost jumped in

post s4 chrissy. she's technically survived (barely), spending the season in the hospital after what they assume is her dead body is discovered by the way she seems so cold to the touch. she's spent all this time tethered to vecna's consciousness in the upside down. when she wakes up from her coma / is set free from vecna, she's haunted by every atrocity she watched unable to look away or turn her mind off. tortured by the way she saw others be destroyed like she was. she's not sure why she survived. she's not sure if she did survive or if she was just somehow brought back to life.

( cc4 ) stepping with your best foot forward

fandomless college verse. chrissy's in the modern era in college as a cheerleader. that cheerleading scholarship was her ticket out of her house and other than ocassional messages to her brother, she doesn't look back after she moves out. she hopes her father finds his voice. she doesn't count on it.

( cc5 ) never grew up it's getting so old

chrissy never got out of hawkins. she's still in hawkins, still with jason carver, still having to deal with her mother. at least her mom has less influence now that she's out of the house. no upside down in this verse, just- pain. suburban gothic the horrors are the people not real monsters kind of vibes. robin comes back to town after seeing the world. chrissy never really thought she could see any possibility but the one she's gotten caught in... maybe life doesn't have to be so cookie cutter after all.

#✮ — chrissy cunningham / hey homecoming queen #hey homecoming queen — ♥ — study & headcanons #hey homecoming queen — ♥ — muse relevant #hey homecoming queen — ♥ — threads #hey homecoming queen — ♥ — edits #hey homecoming queen — ♥ — opens & starter calls #eating disorder tw #child abuse tw #psychological abuse tw

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compassionatereminders · 5 months

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How would you deal with a friend who's got mental health issues and blames you when self-harming even though you're sacrificing yourself to see them get better?

That's not friendship, that's emotional abuse. Even if they are in fact very mentally ill, it isn't okay for them to blame you for their self harm. That's toxic and abusive behavior, and you shouldn't put up with it - and you most definitely shouldn't sacrifice your own mental health for their sake! Get away and keep your distance!

#chat with kat #self harm tw #abuse tw #emotional abuse tw #psychological abuse tw

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eyesofanantihero · 1 year

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You said Chase wasn’t in any physical danger, but Chase mentioned something about hearing about punishments from you and wanting to avoid them. What’s that about?

JJ smiles tightly, more of a grimace. "Anti's punishments are all mental. Isolation, hunger, love-bombing. Any way he can control you psychologically, he would do it quickly and effectively. He would tie my hands and feet together and leave the place we were staying, sometimes for hours. I would be alone and hungry. Sometimes I... I would have to soil myself right there because he wasn't there to untie me." Jameson's eyes don't meet the camera, his cheeks glowing with heat. "Then he'd call me a little boy and bathe me still in my clothes.

"Yet he never once hit me or forced anything physically. He had enough physical control with his powers, he never felt the need to beat you when he could just puppet you."

"I imagine Bresal is similar. He's still partially Jackie, and Jackie wasn't the type to hurt people physically if he cares about them. Maybe if he saw Chase as evil or something, but I know he doesn't. He probably thinks all of this is being done out of love. 'Tough love', Anti would call it."

#abuse tw #psychological abuse tw #verbal abuse tw #torture tw #eyes of an antihero #ask to tag

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headspace-hotel · 8 months

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"New (old) perspectives on self-injurious and aggressive biting" published in Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis / Nine Inch Nails- The Hand that Feeds

I was troubled to see a trend of claiming that Autistic people who do not support Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) are a group of "low-support-needs" autistics who are monopolizing the conversation and taking resources away from autistics with higher support needs—I think it is misunderstanding.

Individual positive or negative experiences with ABA are irrelevant here—the fundamental core of the therapy is behaviorism, the idea that an autistic person can be "treated" by rewarding "desirable" behaviors and punishing "undesirable" behaviors, and that an increase in desirable behaviors and decrease in undesirable behaviors constitutes successful treatment

In researching I found that ABA practitioners have published statements condemning conversion therapy. They refer to an unfortunate historical association between ABA and conversion therapy, but it is not association—ABA literally is conversion therapy; the creator of it used it to try to "cure" little boys that were too feminine.

ABA is considered "medically necessary" treatment for autism and the only "proven" treatment, in that it is proven to create decrease in "undesirable" behaviors and increase in "desirable" behaviors.

Undesirable behaviors for an autistic person might include things like stimming and talking about their interests, desirable behaviors might include eye contact, using verbal speech, playing with toys in the "right" way.

The BCBA behavior analyst code of ethics does not prohibit "aversive" methods (e.g. electric shock) to punish undesirable behaviors

The code of ethics only discusses the consent of the "client," not the person receiving the treatment

Many people will say "my child's ABA therapist would never make them repress harmless stims, give up their interests, use electric shocks...They understand the value of neurodiversity and emphasize the consent of the child..."

But consider...if nothing binds or requires an ABA therapist to treat stimming as important, nor restrains them from using abusive techniques, nor requires them to consider the consent of a person being treated, what protects vulnerable people other than luck? The ABA therapist still has an innately unethical level of power over a child being "treated."

Furthermore, consider: can a therapy built on the goal of controlling the behavior of a person who cannot meaningfully consent to it, especially without hard limits or protections on the kinds of behavior that can be coerced or controlled, ever be ethical?

I found many articles that discuss teaching "compliance" in autistic children, treating "compliance" as a reasonable goal to strive for without qualification...

The abstract of the above article struck me with a spark of inspiration. Biting is an undesirable behavior to be controlled, understandably so, since most would feel that violence should not be allowed. But I was suddenly reminded of the song "The Hand that Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails, which is a play on the saying "Don't bite the hand that feeds you," meaning don't lash out against someone that is kind to you.

But doesn't "the hand that feeds you" implicitly have power over you through being able to give or withhold food? In this case, kindness can be a form of coercion. Thus "biting the hand that feeds" is used in the song as a metaphor for autonomy and resisting coercive power. The speaker asks the audience if they have the courage to test the benevolence of their oppressors, or if they will remain compliant and unquestioning even though they know deep down that it isn't right.

Likewise the article blunders into something unintentionally poetic when it recognizes that biting is an innately possible behavior in response to "aversive" stimuli or the "removal of reinforcers." Reinforcers and aversives in ABA are discussed as tools used by the therapist—the presentation of a preferred food would be a reinforcer, for instance (and is often used as such in ABA).

The journal article considers biting as a behavioral problem, even though the possibility that someone may bite can never be eliminated. Contrastingly, "The Hand that Feeds" highlights the coercive power behind the ability to control your behavior, even when that control appears benevolent and positive, and argues that "biting the hand that feeds you" is not only a possibility but a moral imperative.

Consider: In what circumstances would you bite someone? To defend your own body? To defend your life? Are there circumstances in which biting would be the reasonable and the right action to take?

What authority decides which behaviors are desirable or undesirable, and rewards or punishes compliance or resistance? Who is an authority—your therapist? Your teacher? Your caregiver? Any adult? Any person with the power to reward or punish?

In what circumstances might compliance be demanded of you? In what circumstances would it be justifiable not to comply? What authority decides which circumstances are justifiable?

Can you imagine a circumstance where it might be important for a child to not comply with the demands of an adult? For a citizen to not comply with the demands of a government? Which authorities demand compliance in a right and just manner, and which demand compliance to things that are evil and wrong? Which authority has the power to differentiate the two? Should you trust them? Will you bite the hand that feeds you?/Will you stay down on your knees?

#analysis #power #authority #aba #applied behavior analysis #aba tw #abuse tw #nine inch nails #music #psychology #autism #actually autistic #psych critical

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fearsewn · 2 years

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@crimercyalty

The Scarecrow stops short, as he enters his (almost disturbingly immaculate) office--furbished with the usual accoutrements of a therapist. The atmosphere is tranquil: an innocuous ficus tree sits beside the desk; a small zen-rock water fountain burbles pleasantly. Book bindings march in exceptionally tidy rows on their mahogany shelves. A not inconsequential number are written by Crane himself, or his (murdered) deceased mentor Dr. Pigeon.

Yet on the wall behind the psychiatrist is a life-size, framed reproduction of Francis Bacon’s Portrait of Pope Innocent X: in all its ribboned, shredded, undulating, horrific glory.

It’s at the desk, beneath this portrait, that Crane encounters Mister J.

One who dissects, breathes, and sells fear isn’t keen on fraternizing with anyone who makes his skin crawl.

“Joker.” His voice is smooth, frigid, wan as ever; it’s the Customer Service Tone weaponized. “Kindly choke and die.” He rests his briefcase impassively on the desk. “Or at least make an appointment.”

Surviving a great-grandmother who whips your back raw; dresses you in your Sunday best dipped in rat blood, and sends you to a decrepit chapel to be pecked alive by crows, anytime you lose your composure, can have that effect on a man’s charisma...which may also be why he has learned to hold inhumanly still, unblinking, and await opportunity with maddening patience.

#ic #feel free to ignore this but)#i haven't had a Joker in like 2 years )#and I know you're with a good friend of mine so you're quality <3 )#child abuse tw #gore tw #psychological abuse tw

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scribble333 · 3 months

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My opinion on why Angel×husk relationship might be hard to come true

First of all, I am not saying it won't happen, I'm saying that they're gonna need a lot of time to be official.

They are both fucked up. Im not familiar with Husks previous love life if he even had one, but I do remember that in the pilot, he said to Charlie: "I lost the ability to love years ago." and yes, Charlie was talking about the hotel there, but I don't think Husk was. so if he will begin feeling something towards angel, he will either say "fuck it" and confess OR, a more likely outcome, he will be in denial, very stubborn and will avoid Angel for the sake of avoiding his feelings until he is put in a corner and forced to say or do something. I'm guessing, and this is just a guess, that because of his demenior and the way he handles situations, he might completely avoid having anything to do with angel because maybe he believes he isn't lovable or as I mentioned before "can't love."

As for angel dust, we all know the connection he has with V@lentin0, the connection being that he sold his soul to him. I think that after all he went through and is still going through, after all the shallow sex and traumatic abuse he just isn't emotionally, mentally or physically ready for a real, healthy, honest and long term relationship. He was abused to the point where he can't tell what a real relationship is sopoused to be like. He is so deep into it that "the act" that Husk called it is not an act anymore, which is what we heard from Angel later. I think that he cannot see the difference between what's real and what isn't in the matter of connection, love and even the basic care. The abuse consumed him to the point where he became what was before only acting. And I think that with that and with Husks problems too, them being together will be very complicated to execute. But don't get me wrong, I love them, I love the ship, I do think that there is hope for them being healthy for each other once they learn how to make it that.

#hazbin hotel #vivziepop #vivzieverse #blog #rant #angel dust #huskerdust #tw abuse #my thoughts #fandom #psychology #hazbin angel dust #lgbtq

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loveyourlovelysoul · 1 year

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Childhood neglect and abandonment may show up in different ways in us. We may realize we find it hard to watch movies in which caregivers show up for their child in ways we couldn't experience; we try to overwork for others and show how good and worthy and helpful we are so that they won't leave us (we feel unlovable or unworthy in first place); we have troubles setting boundaries, even s3xual ones, cause we fear disappointing the other (we second guess our own feelings and voice); we overshare very soon in our relationships about our tough experiences (and rarely exaggerate them too) in order to have the other feel sorry about what happened to us and care for us; we label ourselves as too needy, too much, too damaged cause we believe nobody will ever love us, and what many people experience in their romantic life will never happen to us; to cope with our pain, we may start fantasizing about being saved from danger or just be surrounded by people that care for us the way we want them to.

We may end up believing these past painful experiences are the only possible life for us and become disconnected and emotionally unstable, even if the truth is that we're worthy of healthy relationships and love, and what we had to go through wasn't our fault. We're so much more than what we were made to believe, we're deserving of people staying and showing up for us (and we should allow ourselves to experience that too, without trying to -unwillingly- manipulate others into doing that).

(source - morganptherapy on instagram)

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furiousgoldfish · 7 months

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I'm going to sit down and try to explain this with patience, to everyone who still thinks calling out narcissistic abuse is 'ableist' or 'dehumanizing to the narcissists', and that abuse is something we're all equally capable of.

I don't think you understand what narcissistic abuse is, or how it differs from the other kinds of abuse. We can agree that all and any abuse is damaging, traumatic and scarring, but narcissistic abuse is so extremely pervasive, hidden, strategic and unbelievable, to the point where I can't honestly tell it's something any regular human would be capable of. And even more than this, the survivors of this particular type of abuse have found it extremely, extremely difficult to figure out they've been abused, even when they've been put through extreme, devastating, and absolutely dehumanizing scenarios. Realizing that your loved one is a narcissist requires your entire world to break down, and every piece of your heart shatters in the realization, and it takes months, even years to accept it.

The only way we can possibly figure it out is to connect the patterns. And patterns of the narcissistic abuse are focused on erasing one's own sense of self, one's perspective and ultimately, complete control over someone's emotions and behaviours. This is often done from early on, the grooming process starts at age zero, your value, worth and usefulness is determined by them, and you cannot wrangle yourself free from it on your own, not without someone confirming to you that you've been held captive, that your free will has been taken a long time ago.

Unfortunately, I have to give some examples, because I don't think it can be explained otherwise. When I was 2 years old, a narcissistic person found it a nuisance to watch over me, and they beat me up every time I disobeyed. I was a toddler. Then they proceeded to convince me that I was a demon, and would burn in hell regardless of what I do for the rest of my life. I've been brainwashed by this person to believe I was not a human being, had no human rights, that it was correct and regular for me to be locked up, beaten, and that it was my fault every single time, even when I did all that was asked of me. This person then had me comfort them after they would beat me, because it was a stressful experience for them. I wasn't allowed to cry. I would be beaten for making a face expression they didn't like. It was random and unexplainable.

Another narcissistic person created a game where they would give me wrong instructions for a task, then torture me when I did exactly as they instructed me to. It got to a point where I would beg them to tell me what to do correctly, and they would respond with a laughing 'you should be old enough to know this' and they would be even happier to beat me up and scream at me for getting it wrong. This person not only threatened to kill me regularly, but often made me believe I was in my last few seconds of life, putting me in position where I believed I was about to die. They forced me to work for them in unsafe conditions, heavy physical jobs, where I was not allowed to say I'm tired, not allowed to cry, and even after I'd do everything, they would still tell me I didn't deserve to eat. I was a child. I didn't think for a second I was being abused. I was already brainwashed to believe that everyone else had it worse, and that I was lucky.

I had no identity besides existing for them, I had no free will except to try and make myself into something they could use, and if I didn't do a good enough job, I'd be ostracized. They loved beating me, screaming at me and making me cry, and then they'd leave me in a room crying without being allowed to make any noise, while they laughed in the room next to me, as a family, loudly so I could hear what a great time they were having. They would treat other children gently in front of me in order to try and make me jealous. They would revise every part of what they did to me if I ever tried to bring it up. I wasn't allowed my own perspective, opinion, or complaint. I wasn't even allowed to remember the abuse correctly. I would be locked in a room and questioned and punished if my opinions weren't to their liking.

I don't believe this is something anyone is capable of doing. I don't believe anyone of us is capable of torturing a kid until the kid begs to be killed. I don't believe most of us are capable of erasing a child's point of view, their reality, their humanity to the point where the child is forced to live a life where they will either comply or be killed, and they will be tortured no matter what. This isn't a regular thing that a person can easily do.

Luckily, us who have been through this, have noticed that there is a specific pattern to their behaviour. That they use almost identical phrases with which their invoke guilt, fear and hopelessness. That they can go frighteningly fast from rage to laughter to acting hurt. That they enforce their will over ours with a specific type of terror that triggers both our survival instincts and our compassion and shame. That we've been groomed by them in an almost identical way - to not believe that we're allowed our own feelings, memories, opinions, point of view, or freedom. That we have learned to exist only to be an extension of them.

We also all noticed that we're all absolutely, beyond terrified of them, and that we don't feel we're allowed to say it, or think it. That we're taught by terror to keep believing that they're good people, that they do none of it on purpose, not even the most extreme, insane, egregious abuse. That they will go to any length, even committing more atrocities, to escape accountability. That they use tactics of darvo, gaslighting, double-bind, planting insecurities, triangulating, future faking, discarding, love bombing, mirroring, smear campaigns, projection, scapegoating, silencing, throwing tantrums, victim playing, like it's in their second nature. That they're genuinely, absolutely terrifying and almost unreal in how far they're capable of going. And most of all, that they are dangerous, and capable of completely turning another human being into their puppet, and never think for a second that it might be wrong. To them, we are nothing more but toys to manipulate, control, and discard. We are disposable. There is no limit to what they can do to us, because to them, we are not alive. They would do to us what normal people wouldn't do to a corpse. And they feel superior for it.

People abused by narcissists from early age are likely to develop the most complex and extreme disorders, complex ptsd and dissociative identity disorder being some of them, because that's what it takes to survive being a child and existing next to a narcissist. This means that small children need to be shattered in pieces in order to please the narcissist. Others that are very common are eating disorders, anxiety, depression, paranoia, avoidant personality disorder, panic disorder, and compulsions to cater to everyone's needs, to the point of our own destruction. This is what they make of us, on purpose, in order for us to be of use to them. And they will forever insist it's their right.

When I'm saying the word 'narcissist', I am not referring to 'anyone diagnosed with npd', I am referring to a person who will do this to a child, and insist on doing it for the rest of the child's life. I am writing it because I don't want children to have to live like this forever. I am not aiming to dehumanize the narcissist, their actions show who they are, I am saying, be careful and aware that this person will dehumanize you. That you are disposable to them. That making you feel good in order for you to like them, is a game to them, and one they're very good at. That playing the victim at you and demanding justice, will easily manipulate you into standing against the victims of abuse and talking down to them for 'dehumanizing their abusers', and being 'ableist to the npd', after being tortured past the point of return by those people.

A lot of us are permanently damaged by what's been done to us. We are not asking for justice. We're not asking for revenge. We are asking to be safe. We're asking for this to stop. We're asking for children not to be left alone with people who are dangerous to this level. We're asking you to understand that a narcissist left alone with a child means a child in danger.

It's common to not be aware just how bad it can go, because we think that most humans know not to torture a child. We believe that nobody would do things to children that narcissists do. If you read the stories of the survivors, you'll find out what actually happens behind closed doors. The themes of torture, dehumanization, sexual abuse, brainwashing, violence, and extreme cruelty are common, even towards toddlers.

I need you to not attack those children when they grow up and say they no longer want to be around narcissists. I need you to understand that they know what they're talking about when they say it's not safe, that they want to be protected. The society already failed to protect them at their most vulnerable, and they had to make it alive by their wits alone. And now you won't even let them speak without attacking them? It's inexcusable.

If you want to know about the narcissists, read what their victims have gone through. Then make a judgment on whether we're allowed to speak, and whether it's worth warning others to hold caution. I've heard and read stories of narcissistic parents sex-trafficking their own child, holding them captive and locked up and convincing them it's right to do this, using brutal punishments to 'train' them into inhumane slave-like behaviour, keeping the children in state so terrified the children wished they were dead. And in all those cases, they still convinced the children to love their parents, and to never blame them for any kind of abuse. Yes, even in the sex-trafficking cases.

Fighting for those children to realize that they didn't deserve that, is the only correct thing to do. Fighting to help them realize they're in danger, and that they deserve safely, it's not only right but extremely necessary, it's what we all should be putting all of our energy into.

Wanting to keep others safe will never be wrong. Wanting to protect those who still have their identity, their sense of self, their undamaged humanity, their free will and their point of view, that's worth fighting for! And above all, those who already lost it all, need to be protected. We cannot allow for already badly wounded people to be dehumanized over and over again. Nobody deserves that.

#narcissistic abuse #tw child abuse #tw child trafficking mention #narcissistic parents #toxic parents #psychological abuse #taking children's identity and self perception #to train them into personal toys and disposable puppets #while neglecting the children to the point where children don't realize they have the right to feelings #or even to exist without the parent's approval #devastating abuse #abuse

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