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augment-techs · 3 months

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what i watched/read in january

Saint Maud: 5/5 Quite the parlor trick that I spent the whole buildup to actually seeing it believing it couldn't possibly be as psychologically intense and questionable as people were making it out to be and--what do you know? I was actually drawn in an surprised. Especially by the "demonic possession" and "angel wings" leading up to the final scene.

Grabbed: Poets & Writers on Sexual Assault, Empowerment, and Healing, ed. by Blanco, Moro, Moustaki, and Albo: 5/5 This was all very moving and left me with much to think about. It didn't just take points from the female pov, but also the male and--I think?--trans and nonbinary. The poetry in itself was a surprise, the essays and confessions something more what I was thinking of. It was hard to choose my favorites from the lot, but the poem by Michael O'Mara using Pink stands out the most.

Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide, and Feeling Blue, ed. by Amy Ferris: 5/5 Okay, I'm not going to lie, I read through this entire book and while all of them were deeply meaningful, the one that stuck in my brain was the one that included a knock-knock joke-- "Knock knock/Who's There?/Boo./Boo who?/Just boo, you dope. You're a ghost." -by judywhite-- Which...is kind of horrible, and yet stupidly endearing?

Frankie Drake Mysteries, season 4: 4/5 Okay, I really, really, really wanted to love this season, which is apparently the last we're getting from this series, but, like, apparently they HAD warning that they weren't getting a fifth season, had time to wrap up most loose ends and STILL left us with this COMPLETE BULLSHIT ENDING?! WTF?

My Neighbor: Art Inspired by the Films of Miyazaki: 3/5 I mean, some of this was very good, but this was not at all what I was expecting and it was kind of a let down that I had to order this from out of state from my library. I thought this was an essay AND art collective.

Humans, by Brandon Stanton: 5/5 I'm always reading and rereading this, and it never gets old and is always giving me something new to notice and think about. On this particular reread, the photos and people that stood out the most were a small child in New York in a lion costume who was quoted saying, "There's nothing hard about being four;" then a group shot of two boys and a girl I think in the Middle East, one of the boys saying, "We let her pick," while all three smile, holding up a kite with Barbie on it; and then a picture of a man just sitting against a building with a really beautiful anecdote he gave about reading tarot cards to make a living in New York city wherein he believes in the card, but not in the way fortune tellers do, "I believe in them like you'd believe in a poem. I believe in their aesthetics."

Eat a Peach: a Memoir, by David Chang: 5/5 Being a chef and restaurant owner and believing in the work while also having mental illness. I haven't read this kind of memoir before from the Korean immigrant perspective and this went much better than I would have thought. Mostly because I did not expect this to be so FUNNY in some places. I thought it would be lyrical (which it was) or quite philosophic (which it was) but the book cover--which was beautiful--kind of made me think this would read like a Sisyphean tragedy. Which it really wasn't. And also some of his analogies--especially the one about a Hogwarts Culinary Dark Arts Class--are going to be stuck in my brain for a while.

Calling Doctor Laura: A Graphic Memoir, by Nicole Georges: 3/5 Oh to be a young queer woman at the turn of the century whose mother is almost certainly an untreated narcissist with BPD and whose girlfriend was most definitely cheating on her while she worked out trying to get the truth about her not-actually-dead father while sifting through very unpleasant memories of neglect and emotional abuse. Not a fan of the art style, but the story was at least honest.

Cheshire Crossing, by Andy Weir & Sarah Andersen: 5/5 TEN-THOUSAND blessings on writers who both admit to writing fanfiction on their opening introduction AND an art style where the cast was presented as 80% poc, INCLUDING Alice & Dorothy themselves, while presenting Wendy as queer. YES TO ALL OF THIS.

How to Be an Artist, by Jerry Saltz: 4/5 Actually a very good collective for advice and practice, though I might disagree with some of the rules...just...a bit.

The Wendy Project, by Osborne & Fish: 4/5 A story of young grief in the aftermath of an accident. A modern retelling of Peter Pan, but without the explanation of separating grief and breakdown from reality...such as it is. I was actually rather pleased to see the more "human" Peter ignored for the sake of the Wendy.

The Girl Who Married a Skull and Other African Stories: ratings run from 1/5 to 6/5 depending on the artist and story. My favorites of the lot were The Disobedient Daughter Who Married a Skull, by Nicole Chartland--which was beautiful and did NOT end in marriage, but did end in love--and Concerning the Hawk and the Owl, by Meredith McClaren--which was incredibly lovely and had very little NEED of words.

Kimi Can't Communicate vol. 16, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 Best parts about this would be: -Tadano playing the sports festival and getting crushed on HARD by Manbagi, Katai, and Komi. -Maeda, the school's top sprinter, having a thing for GILFs. -Suteno not giving Tadano a single thought and getting his headband taken without Tadano even blinking. -EVERYONE (bar Komi and Manbagi) feeding Tadano lunch. -The first time Tadano pats Komi on the head = KOMI WANTS MORE!! -Return to the Cat Café, complete with Manbagi getting a little pervert tomcat and Tadano once again pulling in the prettiest kitty in the area by being himself. -Shousuke and his Dad have a Father-Son day--and it becomes very obvious that Shousuke totally deserves Hitomi as the only curse he'll ever get. -Emoi Awards. -Tadano saves Manbagi's goldfish. -The whole voting process for the Culture Festival--once more, Komi is made to be the golden idol. -The Rehearsal of Najimi's play and The Cold-Blooded Princess. -It might be for the play, but Komi finally tells Tadano, "I like you."

The Vincent van Gogh overseas history DVD: 3/5 I suppose this is useful in terms of understanding and reference, but I didn't much care for the directing and editing style.

Big Trouble in Little China: 5/5 I FINALLY get to watch the movie with the women that have green eyes sacrificed to a dragon spirit in the name of a dark sorcerer cursed for over a thousand years in San Francisco. I haven't seen this movie since I was in kindergarten and should never have watched it to begin with. It is infinitely more entertaining and unpredictable than most anything coming out of the industry today. I had totally forgotten that Samantha from Sex and the City and Steve Stronghold from Sky High were acting here. I cannot believe John "Halloween" Carpenter directed this.

Disney's A Twisted Tale Anthology: -What if Snow White Learned Magic: 3/5 -What if Mulan became the Emperor's Advisor: 4/5 -What if Remy met Colette First: 5/5 -What if Anastasia had a change of Heart: 4/5 -What if Jim Hawkins joined the Pirates: 2/5 -What if history wasn't Quite Right about Robin Hood: 4/5 -What if Eric met Ariel after she rescued him: 3/5 -What if Tinkerbell was working for Captain Hook: 3/5 -What if Naveen had to get home to Maldonia: 5/5 -What if the Triplets visited the Witch: 3/5 -What if Madam Mim and Merlin wet to school together: 3/5 -What if Belle had to take her father's place at the fair: 3/5 -What if Hercules's first day as a god didn't go as planned: 2/5 -What if Bambi didn't want to be a Great Prince: 5/5 -What if Aurora knew about the curse: 4/5

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 15, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 -Isagi is introduced with a HUGE arc to become Student Council President -Isagi has poor communication/OCD/Extreme germaphobia and touch aversion -Ase presents and comes through as Isagi's Truest Friend -Tadano sees Pretty Cat Komi -Yamai gets Komi to play Twister with her...in the school hallway...and passes out when she gets EXACTLY what she wants -Hitomi initiates a Shousuke/Ai + Hitomi & Yamada "date night" complete with coffee drinks, prize games (Hitomi won Ai a stuffed panda) and a movie at the theater -Ai had fun~ -Isagi plays Rock/Paper/Scissors/Hammer/Helmet against the entire class and WINS -Najimi insists on Isagi keeping the hammer (she's too good not to have it) -The previous Class President is utterly TERRIBLE at her job -The class take glamor shots together in an effort to get Isagi to smile for her election photo; but only managed to get a very on point shot of her menacing Najimi (which works better) -Isagi forgot to choose her campaign representative, but as usual, BLESS TADANO, "Don't worry about it. We don't care who you pick." -Isagi wins after a truly heartfelt speech from Ase. -Time for school physicals; Tadano is a half inch taller than Komi (who is SO GLAD) -Manbagi stresses about her crush on Tadano -Komi and Shousuke are forced by their mother to invite friends to dinner; Komi invited Manbagi, Ase, and Tadano...Shousuke ONLY invited Yamada, but Hitomi being Hitomi invited herself and Ai -Tadano gets to shine as the most polite person on the planet by being the ONLY PERSON at the table to say Yamada Sanjurokuro's name correctly (which may or may not lead to yet another crush on him; bringing his fan club up to, what, twelve now?)

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 14, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 -The only thing that keeps sinking into my brain about this particular issue is the entire fair situation wherein Tadano, Komi, Manbagi, and Katai get sucked into working at Agari's aunt's food stall by Najimi. -Fushima continues to cheer on Katai/Tadano from the sidelines (and me along with her). -But the kicker is Manbagi finally warming up to Tadano and Hitomi & Onemine & Sasaki & Sato FREAKING OUT -Komi is just glad they get along -Hitomi is glad that Tadano continues to be Tadano and does not understand the concept of ANYONE having a crush on him. This precious boy.

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 13, by Oda Tomohito: 4/5 -It was fucking MAJESTIC to see Nakanaka playing around with an umbrella after sunset like a gun, running aground of the Four Monarchs, an out of town city woman playing dead when she said, "BANG!" to be polite--and her running away as fast as she could with the Monarchs finding the situation quite interesting but the woman on the ground wondering when she could get up again. -Najimi sets up a horror challenge at Katai's WITHOUT ASKING HIM--but it's fine. His friends are proud of him and he is so SOFT.

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 11, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 -Summer vacation wherein the Komi and Tadano family end up at the same outdoor game park. -Hitomi continues to be Shousuke's unwanted but entirely necessary cheerleader. -Komi unlocks a kink by seeing the rim of Tadano's underwear. -Nakanaka/Yamai is VERY encouraged by Sukida (and myself as well). -The Four Monarchs are introduced to the class and it is SO fucking funny watching them fail to impress or scare ANYONE in this new class. Especially Tadano; it is so awesome.

3 Generations DVD: 4/5 A lesbian, poly, trans family making their way through the son's transition and the messy secrets the mother left behind in an effort to get written permission to start testosterone. I'm a little sad that the main actor wasn't actually trans but...Elle Fanning is still Elle Fanning, so the acting was *chef's kiss*.

Pawn Sacrifice DVD: 5/5 I already wanted to punch Bobby Fischer when he was alive for being both a genius and the biggest fucking asshole, but Toby Maguire was a fucking majestic BEAST in this piece illustrating opposite Liev Scheiber just HOW MUCH chess players during the Cold War did not inspire envy. Every actor in this film was a blessing, but DAMN, these two are awesome.

Little Panic: A Memoir, by Amanda Stern: 4/5 Oh, holy shit; I knew the 80s were terrible for women, but to have an anxiety disorder on top of a learning disorder in New York's East Village at the time was nothing short of just AWFUL.

The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance: A Memoir, by Elna Baker: 4/5 This is useful in being a funny and darkly honest commentary/critique of diet culture, New York single life, religion, growth, and cues into life in-between. But All the way through I could not help but feel a little bit irked by the author.

From Boys to Men, edit. by Ted Gideonse & Rob Williams: 5/5 My fourth time reading this and it gets better every single time--especially in that these are queer men of all ages, races, and types, and just feels NICE. -The Story I Told Myself, by Soehnlein: inventing the self through playing with the little people in your head to make some pretty awesome soap operas -Sleeping Eros, by McAllister: considerations on divorce and brotherhood and a father who might have also been gay -Preppies are my Weakness, by Dolby: the essay that basically promises that those you're attracted to at ages 14-17 are Your Type (interestingly, for those of my mutuals reading this; I kept picturing Billy Cranston and Jason Scott, even though Jason would NEVER treat Billy like that). -Barbie Girls, by E.K. Anderson: Mid-80s realizing the politics of "romance" at age 11 and meeting a kindred soul at summer camp -Signs, by R.C. Green: exploring sexuality from the POV of an inner city, poc athlete that had a LOT of anger and internalized homophobia -And much, much, MUCH more.

A Gift From a Ghost, by Borja Gonzalez: 6/5 This is such a beautiful graphic novel for the consideration of how the future is a reflection of the past and how the past has little touches of understanding the future. Possibly it is also a thought piece on reincarnation? Dimensions and time spotting? Either way, the choice for the characters to be faceless and wit the looks of very pretty mannequins while building up the surroundings and wardrobe was MAGNIFICENT.

Change the Game, by Kaepernick: 4/5: A graphic memoir about the growth of a black football player from a white family who would eventually take the knee in protest to racist, sexist, political lashings. Not my favorite art style, but I can appreciate the lighting and line technique.

Goodbye: A Story of Suicide of Hailee Joy Lamberth: 2/5 A good attempt at humanizing and rationalizing, but for me, personally, it was a little too bright, shiny, sanitized...And not to mention a bit self-indulgent.

The Books that Changed My Life, edit. by Bethanne Patrick: 5/5 I have my favorites in the writers and in the books they chose and in the essays they wrote on them. But Gillian Flynn, Margaret Atwood, Peter Coyote, and Sofia Coppola's choices were my favorites.

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 4, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 -Komi and Tadano try and say each other's first name...and fail SPECTULARLY. -They swapped kitty keychains (a tabby and an ebony) -Inaka makes her first appearance in a Subway parody -Nakanaka/Yamai is establishing itself through Tadano trying to teach them "Komi Speak."

#reading lists #movie lists #my humble opinion #reference

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moodboardsbysarah · 1 year

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Exactly this. I found her first two albums to be amazing and there are definitely treasures on her later albums, but they got progressively worse as they showed she lacks self awareness of how vapid and undeserving of love she is. Sorry but how can anyone love someone who is totally obsessed with their own femme fatale image, and takes pride in eating men’s hearts? I’d say the same if she was a male obsessed with her sexy stud leather jackety image and took pride in eating women’s hearts. Her songs show she is totally caught up in her image of herself as a badass femme fatale who eats hearts when the reality is she’s just a whiny hot girl (GIRL, not woman, despite being 37) who hasn’t proven she has anything unique to offer the world other than doing drugs and looking gorgeous with the help of Botox. Oh… well… she has to offer being a musical genius, but she spends all her musical genius on whining about how obsessed with drugs and attention from males who don’t love her back she is, whilst at the same time seeing herself as a femme fatale and humblebragging about how she broke other men’s hearts. Oh and on top of seeing herself as a badass femme fatale seductress, she simultaneously seems to think she’s the victim of many of these men she has seduced, because they didn’t read her mind when she didn’t want it. Totally delusional and lacking self awareness.

Her image / personna from her earlier days is iconic if you look at it from the perspective of “she is speaking for domestic abuse victims and vulnerable, groomed young women”. That’s why I love her old stuff and relate to it. That is after all what she was singing about, in such a raw and immersive way too.

But her later stuff made it clear that she was never “playing a character” intelligently. she was always a dumb bimboid and she was simply singing about her dumb bimboid nature. She is exactly what OP said. Narcisssitic hot girl obsessed with her own hotness and the attention + drugs it gets her. She’s just so fucking vapid but she pretends she’s deep because she’s #sad and #gloomy, it’s like the sad gloomy image is a big cover for the vapidness of her, and the worst part is the majority of the public eats it right up.

she also loves to whine about how nobody believes she was raped and how she is victim blamed all the time. But bitch if you are this vapid and you're obsessed with drugs, don’t be surprised that men abuse you. You are asking for it after a certain point. attract one or two fucked up people, fair enough, but keep attracting them and you’re the one with a problem. you gotta learn your lessons about bad energy and how to avoid it. Grow up and get a real hobby and sing about that. everyone, male or female, gets abused and treated like shit in drug culture which is mostly about narcissistic people’s obsession with sex and their own hotness and getting high and their refusal to be responsible for anything. Hence why Lana Del Rey fits right in.

When Lana was younger it was cool and relatable. the lost party girl vibe, the whiny hot girl trapped in drug culture with no escape, desperate for a savior to help her out in life. That’s all cool and relatable and acceptable from a young woman who literally hasn’t had the chance yet to define herself and is naturally prey for predatory older men. A 37 year old woman with a massive fortune should know better and grow the hell up.

#Im 23 #and I’m growing the hell up #sad and disappointed this bitch hasn’t #sings about her mistakes but doesn’t seem to realize they are mistakes #lol

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lisacatara-actress · 1 year

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Almost Lisa: Pt 8, “Laughable... Almost”

*I retain all rights to my photography and story, story details, biographical information, fashion designs, art work, and anything and everything I have posted which is my own creation*)

You're still thinking about it, aren't you? Why I haven't dated an 18 years. It does sound pretty incredulous, bereft of the story behind it. No, I’m not crazy or have unrealistic expectations. Well, I do NOW. And life is just too damn short for bad company, bad sex, bad coffee, or fake relationships . The funniest ignorant comments men make to me are that they're surprised “nobody scooped (me) up yet”. As if I would relinquish that decision or fall into the arms of any man who wanted me. As if I OWE that to someone because simply having standards isn't enough for me to remain single. I want and deserve to be attracted and inspired, too. And honestly, I seldom meet someone who excites me in the ways I find attractive (intellectually, spiritually, and yes, physically).

Fathers / Daddies,

Hug your baby girls. As often as you can. If they don't learn what non-sexual touch is from you, they will have nothing to compare it by moving forward. Sex will feel like respect and appreciation when it's not.

Sincerely, A woman who learned this the hard way.

Once I moved to LA, I apparently developed attractions (and tolerances) to grown-ass man-children. My ex (yes, 18 years ago) had terrible mommy and daddy issues, was a pathological liar, and had at least three personalities (that I counted). He was also a kleptomaniac and stole a substantial amount of money from me (and a couple of his friends), just after cheating on me. Total package, obviously, lol. After that experience- which culminated in about a year of my life spinning out of control, dropping down to 105 lb because I just couldn't believe I didn't see signs of his illnesses- I eventually took a few lovers. But always unfulfilled and with unwarranted drama. One such arrangement lasted nearly seven years, on and very “off”. He was another (older) grown-ass man-child with serious Daddy issues. But wait! There’s more... He was also a narcissist, an over-compensatory control freak, and a very angry human who threatened to commit suicide every few months right about the time he knew I was going to leave him. But dang, if he didn't get the soft part of me that wanted to help him heal from his own trauma. Some people can't. So why did I stay?

Sex. Literally, that's the reason. I was completely focused on my career and wasn't in a position to have a more committed or permanent relationship. Plus, he had an adorable little dog. It was- I thought- a mutually agreeable arrangement. But once he sexually and psychologically abused me, I was gone. Permanently. You get to a point in your life where you realize how valuable time is. When I say I no longer make time for bullshit, I mean it. That dude- by the way- later acquired (I've chosen this word on purpose) an industry award. Hollywood is full of - and too often celebrates- bullshit. And it’s hardly difficult to find in an industry that attracts hurt and broken people, looking to find themselves. Sadly, many believe what The Biz tells them is true. And others support those lies to further their own careers. I’ve witnessed many a colleague completely lose themselves, desperate to fill a gap in their lives. Few actually find the “Happily Ever After” of Hollywood success. And of those who do, there is most often a price.

There are 2 reasons people do things:

1) the desire to experience Pleasure,

2) the need to avoid Pain

A few years ago, while still living in "The Valley” (CA), I’d frequent cafes (as I am right now- quel suprise) and edit photos for the books I self-published. Joan's on Third was a favorite stomping ground. At the time, one of my neighbors was (is) a famous name actor being dragged by the media (and rightfully so) for a slew of disgusting accusations which surfaced. He would deliberately position himself where I had to glance in his direction, then stare me down until I looked his way. He’d invite himself to join me, looking over my shoulder at what I was working on, lavishing compliments, trying to win my favor. Then- manically- complaining about everything and everyone. He wasn’t nervous, just pissed. As if consequences were so...like...annoying. A few years later, He was back on the film grind with a new show and more in the pipeline. Everyone stopped talking about his indiscretions. This happens A LOT in Entertainment. The next public outrage comes along and the old one is forgotten. When I worked in public relations (damage control and marketing), we'd tell our clients that Time was a friend. For this reason.

Hollywood runs on false power and real control. Piss off the wrong player and you'll find your climb up the ladder is greased and missing rungs. To succeed you must - to some degree- be a “Team Player”. Not only where booking jobs is concerned, but out in the field. The general public has heard and become familiarized with some of the behind-the-scenes debauchery over time, but they really cannot grasp that its REAL, and how DEEP the rabbit hole goes.

In my early days in the Biz, I was invited to countless industry parties and events. Some, I actually went to. It was common (for me) to dance with celebs and share booths at exclusive clubs. There were also copious organized events which were more private, where celebs could “let their hair down”, away from the medias gaze. It was around midnight at one such party in The Hills when a large bouncer approached me and my host and explained that we were welcome to stay, but that the party was “going in a different direction”. I got it, immediately, and got up to leave. JUST as a certain celebrity’s naked ass went running up the stairs, chasing a bevy of young, star-struck, spandex-clad 20-somethings (something they were known to do). Lisa, OUT. I never believed I had to sell myself to achieve success. I had the “it factor” then, was talented, smart, and professional. Surely if I kept studying, auditioning and improving my craft, success would be inevitable.

I was wrong. Truth be told, playing the Game can be... helpful.

Everything I’ve accomplished has been done with my integrity intact. There were many opportunities to advance by other means. I couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. Though through the years, I watched several colleagues chose to go the route of hotel meetings and “favors” to shortcut their careers forward. It often ended in tears, protests, pleas, and even blacklisting. I’ve lost at least a few colleagues to suicide or substance abuse along the way. If you don’t have solid people who care about you and keep you grounded, Hollywood is a dangerous playground.

La La Land gets a rep for being a meat market and playground for soulless opportunists and pedophiles. I wont pretend they aren't in the mix. But there are infinitely more good people than bad. Unfortunately, often bad ones are gate keepers and decision makers. It’s not as if depravity and abuse run rampant across the industry. It’s there, but you generally find it by looking for it. I learned to recognize trouble and mastered getting out of uncomfortable situations before they became confrontational / "icky”. Though not necessarily unscathed.

Case in point: I’ve worked in The Biz for nearly 20 years and have around 160 or so credits to my name. But you probably never heard about me until you read this Blog.

(to be continued...)

(PS If you like what you're reading, I welcome contributions to the efforts via Venmo @LTarantinoDesigns)

#hollywood #Success #actress #fame #celebrities #narcissism #women in film #Lisa Catara #blog #memoirs #tea

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

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Face Value (S2, E7)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:05 - Hold your horses. Malcolm taught at Quantico?!? I mean, I realize that he probably just did the occasional guest lecture (like most profilers?) but I’m still stupidly proud of him. <3

0:50 - ngl Malcolm’s a good lecturer. Take it from a university student.

1:13 - “It’s okay. We don’t know what you did and it’s not that mu-....BREATHE” Holy shit. I’m torn between ranting about what a great actor Tom Payne is and losing my mind because this scene is heartbreaking. Look at Malcolm. I swear he’s reminding himself to breathe - not Ainsley. He’s completely panicking but he’s trying so hard to be strong for Ainsley. This boy is an absolute treasure. Brother of the CENTURY.

1:41 - “You’re right Ainsley. I screwed up.” NO NO NO NO NO. Can you hear the sound of my heart shattering?!? This scene is so much more devastating the second time. When you know Ainsley is putting ON A SHOW HERE. Look at Malcolm’s face. He’s devastated. He blames himself for AINSLEY’S actions. He’s starting to genuinely believe that he’s no better than Martin Whitly. Malcolm’s depression/anxiety is through the roof in this episode. I honestly won’t be shocked if Malcolm has a complete mental breakdown in the next few episodes. Hell, I don’t think I’d be surprised if he tries to OD on his meds. This boy is in crisis and I’m terrified for him.

1:44 - “I think I did too.”.....this line is interesting. Is this part of Ainsley’s act or is she showing some regret for putting Malcolm through this much emotional torment? She can clearly see that this whole situation is literally destroying her brother’s already fragile peace of mind.

1:55 - “Today could be the day!”.....the day that everyone finds out about Endicott and Ainsley.....seriously, Malcolm’s daily affirmations this season have done nothing but feed his anxiety.

2:04 - OF COURSE. A call from Martin. Malcolm is going to have a mental breakdown. It’s just everything. All at once. I’m getting secondhand anxiety FOR him.

2:35 - hahaha Martin is a crazy, evil, pain in the ass but damn is he entertaining.

2:55 - 1) Ainsley looks adorable in Malcolm’s hoodie. 2) Ainsley straight up leaves his loft later in this episode. Did she hid a change of clothes in the loft before Malcolm got home last night? Or does she actually leave her big brother’s apartment in his clothes?

3:05 - “Getting hit by a train might be better.” Yep. Malcolm is entering a dangerous territory. I know depression is different for everyone but for me, when I start joking - out loud - to people I love about death in passing....things are bad. Like I’m getting suicidal bad. I know Malcolm has a morbid job and he talks about death all the time but this feels like Malcolm is starting to consider suicide as an option.

3:34 - I can see Ainsley’s “You were trying to control me” perspective. BUT honestly? Take a step back and listen to the desperation and fear in Malcolm’s voice. Anyone with half a brain cell can HEAR how scared Malcolm is and how deeply he loves his sister. Ainsley has known Malcolm her entire life. If she was functioning on all cylinders - she would know that Malcolm is just being a protective big brother. He’s not trying to control her - just help her. But this has been a theme for Ainsley since season 1 when she brought up visiting Martin during family dinner. She seems to believe that Jessica and Malcolm think that she’s a “fragile flower” and that she can’t take care of herself. I understand how that could be frustrating but I also find it concerning that Ainsley doesn’t seem to understand that they aren’t treating her that way because they think she’s weak or stupid but rather out of love. Ainsley acts like a petulant child about this sort of thing (anger, whining, eye-rolling). Ainsley acts very entitled a lot, in the sense that if something doesn’t go her way she just throws a hissy fit (think reporting and/or any Whitly family squabble). Ainsley is messed up. Unlike Malcolm, she doesn’t seem to have any self-awareness when it comes to her behavioural eccentricities. Malcolm actively tries to improve his mental state. Ainsley just throws a hissy fit when the world doesn’t bend to her will.....and this stream of consciousness Ainsley rant just became wayyyyy longer than I had anticipated (sorry).

3:41 - “Promise me.” See that look? Ainsley is pissed at Malcolm. This girl’s anger is concerning me.......what if (crazy thought) the season finale is Martin escaping Claremont to stop Ainsley from killing Malcolm?

3:43 - I wish I could be happier about this hug. Malcolm is finally getting a hug but.....he instigated it and he’s not the one being comforted sooooooooo I’m still unsatisfied.

3:49 - “Hey, you look...terrible.” SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS DANI!! God. I love how concerned she is about Malcolm. IDC how you feel about Brightwell. If you don’t think they’re good friends - you’re a moron.

4:05 - This is the moment when I went....oooohhhh yeah. LDP directed this episode. That’s probably why he’s not in this scene.

4:10 - JT is a GOOD husband. Give him a medal. Seriously - last season he was going to watch the Taylor wedding live with Tally (who was going to wear a hat <3 ), this season Mr. Masculine casually throws out stats about the Housewives. hahaha I don’t even care if JT genuinely enjoys the Housewives or not. I’m just so utterly delighted at the idea of him watching it with his wife and having a good time with her. <3 JT is the definition of a good husband and I’m HERE FOR IT.

4:34 - .......seriously? I thought Edrisa had realized that this crush is unrequited last season? I love Edrisa but her obsession with Malcolm is getting a little creepy. Like “13 year old in love with the 40 year old math teacher” creepy. It’s sort of cute but also like - gurl. No.

4:38 - Ok. Dani’s reaction to Edrisa hitting on Malcolm saves the scene for me. Lol.

4:51 - Ugh. That is a really creepy corpse.

4:56 - Look. We’ve all obsessed about it already but I have to bring it up: MALCOLM STILL HAS THE BRUISE FROM THE ELEVATOR. SOMEONE GIVE THE MAKEUP DEPARTMENT A MEDAL. THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING MALCOLM’S PHYSICAL TRAUMA.

5:21- ......ok maybe I’m projecting my cynicism here but anyone who has framed newspaper clippings about themselves in their office is seriously egocentric. Maybe it’s just me - but that’s a massive turn off and takes someone out of the running for “angel” status.

6:10 - I’m sorry for every time I thought Jessica was a crazy rich lady during season 1. Birdie is so so so much crazier.

6:36 - “Only the men you date.” Bitch. OMG. Who says something that backhanded and cruel to their sibling?!?!? ......oh wait. I remember how this episode ends :|

7:15 - THANK YOU. I’ve been wondering about the status of Martin’s medical certification since I watched the pilot. SO happy to find out that he couldn’t weasel his way into keeping it.

7:37 - Like most of you, I’ve been creeped out by this whole Martin/Capshaw interaction since it was released as a promo clip. Seriously - it’s creepy. There’s an upsetting amount of subtle flirting here. I’m not sure what it is about Capshaw but her whole energy is just really unnerving to me. I immediately hated her in the promo. Istg Capshaw is an undercover serial killer or something. AND IF SHE BECOMES A LOVE INTEREST FOR MARTIN I WILL LOSE MY SHIT.

8:06 - Oh yeah. She’s either romantically interested in Martin or she’s a psychopath on the DL and is playing him.

8:12 - YAY!!! The Yankee mug returns!!! <3

8:34 - “Sometimes the most monstrous people are the ones hiding in plain sight.” Ouch. I know the writers like to project Malcolm’s emotional turmoil on the case of the week but hearing those words come out of Gil’s mouth?!? Ouch. That hurt Malcolm. Bad. It wasn’t even directed at Malcolm but damn. This is not helping his mental health. At all.

8:41 - Gil. Is. Concerned. <3 :) .....pretty sure Gil also suspects about Endicott and Ainsley by now too. .....hmmmmm maybe that comment about monsters was Gil’s way of trying to get Malcolm to confess (or to gauge Malcolm’s reaction)?

9:15 - I feel so bad for Malcolm here. He’s literally juggling everyone’s problems. Ainsley’s murder situation. Jessica’s personal drama. But is he dealing with his emotional problems? No. He’s too busy being a good son/brother. SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO MALCOLM. HE NEEDS A HUG.

9:35 - Deer. In. Headlights. Well....at least Dani knows Malcolm’s about to have a mental breakdown. This boy just got more information to help him crack a murder case and he looks confused, startled, and lost. He’s usually excited and motivated. This Endicott situation is slowly killing Malcolm. I don’t know how much longer he can struggle under the weight of the guilt.

9:48 - Look at this. Ainsley is pissed off that Malcolm isn’t paying attention to her. We know that this whole 2nd murder was a sham so WTF? Is she really just that hungry for attention? That sounds like Martin Whitly to me - the narcissistic psychopath who needs attention like an addict needs cocaine. Also AINSLEY’S acting here?!? We know that she’s lying to Malcolm but holy shit. She’s a really good actress/liar? What else has she lied about?!?

10:05 - Ok. So just when did Ainsley remember? I honestly think she’s known since at least 2x01.

10:20 - Look. I understand that Ainsley is pissed that Malcolm is trying to ‘control her’. But did she even listen to the desperation and fear in his voice? This boy wants her to stay in the loft because he’s scared of who she might hurt if she’s out in public, unsupervised. He’s not trying to abuse or hurt her - just protect her. Is he misguided -maybe? Should he have called the cops on Ainsley right away - probably. But he didn’t out of love. Ainsley doesn’t even seem to realize how much this whole situation is hurting Malcolm and that’s the biggest problem. She doesn’t show any remorse at killing Endicott. She’s just pissed off that Malcolm lied about it. SHE KILLED SOMEONE an she (outwardly at least) feels no remorse. This girl is a psychopath (sociopath?) and this will NOT end well for Malcolm and Jessica.

10:27 - This whole scene was awesome btw. Tom Payne flawlessly communicated Malcolm’s panic, fear, anger, and desperate attempts to stay calm. And Dani’s blatant concern (and suspicion) of Malcolm and his mental state. AND Ainsley being a little brat. Ugh. So beautiful.

10:45 - I love this scene. I love the fact that they have the type of friendship where Dani’s not afraid to call Malcolm out on his crap (trying to hide things from the team). I love that Malcolm isn’t offended that Dani called him out. He doesn’t lie. Ainsley is lost at the moment. Malcolm is more honest with Dani about how the whole Ainsley thing is affecting him than he is with anyone else. I love that Dani still looks suspicious and concerned. I love watching Dani piece this whole thing together. I’m honestly at a point where I think Dani is going to know about Endicott before Gil. I love that Dani gives Malcolm honest, judgement-free advise. Because she doesn’t like seeing how much pain Malcolm is in. I love that Malcolm isn’t completely shutting her out. <3

11:00 - “What if she already has?”.....yep. Dani is totally piecing the Endicott situation together.

11:09 - “I’m overthinking it.” THIS. There is a split second where you can see the betrayal on Dani’s face. She knows Malcolm is hiding something and she’s hurt that he doesn’t trust her enough to let her in. She’s also probably hurt because she views this as a lie - which brings back 1x20 memories.

11:35 - “Even when they’re as beautiful as you.” Ugh. I love this so so so so much. Look at how Dani absolutely lights up at Malcolm’s unintentional compliment. I relate to Dani in the sense that I’m a woman in a male dominated field (engineering). I can’t tell you how often men that she works with have probably objectified her, belittled her, and sexualized her. Malcolm isn’t doing this. He doesn’t call her hot. He doesn’t comment on her body or how she dresses. He doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s a woman. He just calls her beautiful. But he does it in a way that you can tell he’s being genuine. He doesn’t expect anything in return for the compliment. He’s not trying to play the long game. He’s just thinks she’s beautiful. He doesn’t even realize that he said it. BECAUSE Malcolm is in profiler mode. He’s focused on the murder - not Dani. He mentioned that Dani’s beauty off-handedly because 1) he believes it and 2) it was relevant to his profiling train of thought. BUT LOOK AT HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO DANI. <3 <3 <3

12:00 - Why is Chabra exiled to the corner of the room?!?! Someone explain this tomfoolery. Is it literally to just get across that Chabra is not the alpha in this corrupt plastic surgery business?!?

12:16 - Ew. Please never say YOLO. Ever. It’s cringy when kids say it but it’s so so so much worse when someone over 25 says it.

12:18 - hhahahahahahaha OMG. Dani’s face after he says “yolo”.

12:31 - Yep. This dude is an asshole. DO NOT try to convince Malcolm to get plastic surgery. The dude has enough problems without adding dysmorphia to the mix.

12:41 - Yep. Chabra is the little puppy that follows Donahue around and does the grunt work.

12:50 - LOOK AT THE NOD DONAHUE GIVES CHABRA when Chabra denies that stock has gone missing. Can you arrest someone for being a rich, corrupt, asshole?! Ugh. Hate him.

13:20 - Ugh. I really want to know more about Dani’s past. Who in the NYPD tried to belittle, micromanage, or sexualize her just because she’s a woman?

13:30 - “I want Donahue to be the bad guy.” PREACH SISTER.

13:48 - “Easy. We just isolate him with our own alpha males.” hahaha OMG. LET”S GO. I was so pumped when this scene cut to JT and Gil. BUT I was also a little sad. Malcolm doesn’t consider himself to be an alpha male (I mean, he’s not) but it really just drove home to be that Malcolm sees himself as broken. Gil has been Malcolm’s positive male role model for years. But Malcolm doesn’t think he’s anything like Gil. Malcolm thinks he’s broken where Gil is whole, weak where Gil is strong, and bad when Gil is good. It just sort of broke my heart.

14:00 - hahaha Chabra is just a wimp. Watching Gil and JT play angry cop, calm cop was so so so good though. <3

14:05 - This was the moment that I remembered LDP was directing this episode. I’m not usually someone who notices camera work or anything but this was a really cool shot.

15:00 - Oh c’mon. Seriously? Edrisa’s crush has gone too far. She knows he doesn’t like her romantically. Everyone knows it. Please stop this. I’m getting secondhand embarrassment.

15:16 - Did Edrisa think they were going to do it in the morgue?!? Those flowers?!? Like wtf. I can’t.

15:29 - I’ll give props to Malcolm here. He’s being really kind to Edrisa here. BUT HE NEEDS TO TELL HER HE’S NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE SHE’S CLEARLY NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE.

15:33 - Ugh. Look at how uncomfortable Malcolm is. This is upsetting.

16:08 - “What?!? How do you -” Panic. Pure panic in Malcolm’s eyes. Damn. This boy is spiralling. Someone needs to find out about Endicott. Malcolm can’t keep trying to protect Ainsley and Jessica alone. It’s literally killing him.

17:14 - “All she could see was the ugliness she felt inside.�� “That’s a sad way to live.” .........the parallels between the plastic surgery, dysmorphia, and vengeful crime of the week to Malcolm’s current mental health and Ainsley’s crime is slowly killing me. I’m honestly getting annoyed that the other characters aren’t picking up on all the subtle references Malcolm’s making to the fact that he thinks he’s a monster. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO COMFORT HIM. THAT’S ALL. WHY IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FEDAK!??!

17:30 - Another point to the Dani/Malcolm friendship. She takes out the gun and pushes Malcolm back. Is she trying to protect him? Technically, yes. BUT she’s just doing her job. I love that Malcolm respects Dani enough to let her take charge and do her job. I love that he’s secure enough about his masculinity to let her.

18:15 - Yikes. This woman is 90% plastic. Cosmetic plastic surgery is terrifying.

20:16 - Another reminder of the woman’s ward. Either Sophie Sanders or Ainsley is going to end up in that ward soon (I’m still half-convinced that Sophie is going to appear out of the woodwork and take the fall for Endicott).

21:49 - “...convinced her that she would never have a career unless she looked the part.” <3 Look at how disgusted Gil is when Dani tells him that. Gil is a good man and I love him forever. <3

22:33 - I love this. Dani and Gil are both concerned about Malcolm and communicating it in looks. It won’t be long until there’s a team intervention for Malcolm’s mental health (or at least, that’s my headcanon - if someone wants to write me a fic about it I’ll love you forever).

22:44 - WTF GIL. WHY AREN’T YOU ASKING MALCOLM WHAT’S WRONG?!?! IS IT BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW AND YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT YET?!?!

22:49 -.....soooooo does this mean that Gil already knew that Birdie existed?!? How often did Birdie appear after Martin’s arrest?!?! I WANT DETAILS.

23:06 - Holy shit. Look at that little smirk Ainsley shoots Malcolm when he first walks in and sees her. Ainsley is maliciously toying with Malcolm and I DON”T LIKE IT.

23:14 - Jessica is concerned. I promise you Ainsley and Malcolm have rarely - if ever - fought like this in front of her. I was raised in single parent home after my abusive dad left. I know how that changes the sibling dynamic. No matter how genuinely pissed off you are - you don’t stress Mom out more. If you’re just annoyed with each other and doing regular ‘sibling squabbling’ - then you whine and argue in front of Mom. But if you’re seriously angry with each other - you deal with it when Mom isn’t home to see it because no matter what - you both appreciate how hard Mom is working to keep what’s left of your family together.

23:28 - “Malcolm. Looking more like your father every day.” BITCH. Did she just say that because she watched Malcolm go off on Ainsley? Sure, Malcolm was a little controlling (probably similar to a situation Birdie witnessed between Jess and Martin back in the day) but HOLY SHIT. That is your nephew. Maybe he’s having a bad day. Maybe being told he resembles a serial killer is really damaging to his already fragile pysche. I don’t like Birdie. AND I DON”T LIKE THAT JESSICA DOESN”T STAND UP FOR MALCOLM HERE.

24:00 - I don’t like this. These Martin+Capshaw scenes are really hard to watch. Martin is still acting like Martin - manipulative, egotistic, manicA. But he’s also acting like a professional doctor (an asshole doctor but still). It’s really disconcerting to watch Capshaw take his medical opinion seriously. Plus - there’s something about Capshaw that creeps me out. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet. But I’m pretty sure she’s a bad lady.

24:16 - “What bit should I use?” - See this? No. Just...no. I don’t like how she’s taking Martin’s medical advise to heart so readily.

25:04 - Why was Martin allowed to watch the procedure?!? He’s clearly getting a sick amount of pleasure from the blood and drilling. Look at the way Martin grins at Capshaw too. Martin is planning out an entire scheme to manipulate Capshaw into helping him escape. You can see the metaphoric lightbulb above his head.

25:29 - This meal. Seriously. Was I the only one who got a glimpse of the meat in a red sauce and thought “human meat”?!? No wonder Malcolm’s main food group is liquorice.

25:44 - Poor Jessica. She is not having a good time. Jessica’s behaviour in this scene is really interesting though. Jessica repeatedly shoots apologetic looks at Malcolm. She looks at Ainsley with fear. She looks super uncomfortable. She’s not saying much because she desperately wants a relationship with her sister but she also doesn’t want to belittle her son’s career. She’s proud of Malcolm - in her own way.

26:00 - “The family trust fund would run dry.” hahahahaha YES MALCOLM. THROW THAT SHADE. hahahaha

26:23 - “Most of the time anyway” Wow. Uncalled for. I know Ainsley is mad but this isn’t cool. I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that Birdie has been approached by Europol about the Endicott murder. I have this terrifying notion that Birdie is trying to collect intel so she can sell the information to Europol. If I’m right (which I’m probably not) this comment will not help Malcolm’s case.

26:41 - hahaha look at how annoyed Jessica is. Is she annoyed because her children are openly fighting in front of their Aunt when Jessica wants to portray the “perfect, undamaged family”? Or is Jessica annoyed because what Ainsley just said was out of line and she’s scared of Ainsley right now?

27:02 - “Why would you do that? I told you I would handle everything.” This. This is why I will argue that Ainsley is way out of line. Yes, Malcolm is sort of trying to control her. BUT listen to his words, the desperation and fear in his voice. Malcolm is trying to protect Ainsley. Ainsley has every right to be annoyed with him but if she was functioning at an adult mental capacity she’d be able to see that he isn’t being malicious.

27:35 - The fact that Birdie is a backstabbing, lying bitch is so frustrating to me. Look at how badly Jessica wants to have a healthy relationship with her little sister. Jessica just wants a girl-friend to confide in and drink with. I’m heartbroken that Martin stole that from her.

28:05 - I know LDP was directing this episode but JT or Dani should’ve called Malcolm. Why? This conversation between Gil and Malcolm (WHEN GIL IS WEARING HIS COAT) just makes me wonder - where is Gil going? JT is at Donahue’s apartment. Dani and Malcolm are going to talk to Chabra. Where is Gil going?!?

29:07 - ....how did Donahue get the coke into the cheetah? Was there a release thingy (like in a piggy bank) that Malcolm just elected not to use in the panic of the moment?

29:14 - “What else would you hide in a cheetah?” hahahahahaha

29:40 - “No. No. Only if I got the dose wrong.” Yikes. Malcolm is operating in full panic mode here. This is not good for his mental health.

30:08 - “This is the worst cooking show ever.” hahaha this was hilarious but cooking show? What? Do I not watch enough of those? Because I don’t see the link.

30:38 - The moment when Malcolm looks at Dani with fear. He thinks he just killed Chabra and he’s terrified that Dani is looking at him with hatred. :(

30:46 - The two seconds when Malcolm thinks he killed someone. Look at his face. That boy is broken. Again - if he doesn’t have a full on mental breakdown soon I’m going to be so annoyed with the writers because NO HUMAN CAN WITHSTAND THIS MUCH TRAUMA THIS QUICKLY - WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - AND COME OUT FUNCTIONAL.

31:03 - “I do not miss drugs.” :O Dani :( Sweetie <3 Ugh. This line was heartbreaking because it hurts to remember that Dani had a drug problem. But it’s also really great. She was just in front of 1 gram of cocaine. She didn’t grab for it. It didn’t reawaken the urge to use in her. She was strong enough to say “I don’t miss this life” and say it OUT LOUD in front of Malcolm. <3 Friendship. She’s starting to trust Malcolm more. This is good....until she finds out about Endicott.

31:45 - Wait. If Birdie knew about Endicott and Jessica.....does she know about Gil?!?!

31:49 - “Trust but verify.” That’s such a heartbreaking way to live. I hate that she has to live in a world without trust because of what Martin did. I want Jessica to be happy. So so badly.

32:06 - .....how did Jessica find out about the book?!!?! Seriously.

32:17 - “Mummy”. Mrs. Milton is alive?!?! What. OMG. So....but how? Jessica is living in the Milton family home. Jessica is rich. But Birdie has been cut off from the family money. However, it’s clear from this conversation that Jessica and her mother aren’t on speaking terms. So how did this work? When did Jessica move into the Milton family home and why? Where is Jessica’s money coming from? Did Jessica invest her trust fund money smartly and make a fortune? Does Jessica still have access to the Milton family bank accounts?!? AND WHERE IS JESSICA’S DAD?!!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION FEDAK.

32:49 - Malcolm is his mother’s son. Look at this. Jessica is so hurt by what Birdie has done. However, Jessica sighs, takes a breath and helps her little sister out at the cost of causing herself pain. Malcolm would do the exact same for Ainsley. He has.

33:40 - “And do we need to talk about last night?!?” Gil has been different this season. Less soft. More strict.

33:51 - Look at how Gil stares at Dani here. He’s annoyed and concerned. Concerned because she was in close proximity to drugs last night. Annoyed because he created a monster. Gil put together is badass, sarcastic daughter with his unstable, awkward son and they are creating a headache for him.

34:41 - “even for consultants?” hahaha

36:50 - The irony that our killer of the week is a woman who is in pain, feels disfigured, and murders in revenge is so so thick.

37:18 - “It’s enough to drive anyone insane”.....like the emotional pain that Malcolm is currently suffering from?

38:42 - “The best revenge is letting him live like this.” The moment Malcolm realized that Ainsley was manipulating him. Look at the hurt and fear on his little face. :(

39:00 - Ugh. I can’t tell who’s manipulating who in this whole Capshaw+Martin relationship but it’s all gross. I swear if they become romantic I will puke. These two are a psychopathic match made in heaven.

40:08 - I could write essays upon essays about this final scene but I need to sleep. So it’s going into point form without time stamps:

First off - Halston Sage and Tom Payne give us an AMAZING performance in this scene and they deserve an Emmy for it. Seriously.

Look at how Ainsley walks into the room. She’s self-satisfied. She feels no remorse. She’s pleased that Malcolm has been suffering.

Look at how utterly empty Malcolm is when he greets Ainsley. This boy is in shock. He’s so deeply hurt and he just had one of his greatest fears confirmed - Ainsley is like Martin.

“Do you have any idea what you put me through?!?” This. Yes, Malcolm is upset and hurt but there’s a part of me that genuinely thinks this question isn’t rhetorical. There’s a part of me that thinks Malcolm is desperately trying to get Ainsley to admit to feeling remorse so that he can convince himself that his baby sister isn’t gone forever.

“Do you?” Ainsley is mad. She has a right to be. Malcolm did lie to her. He probably should’ve told her the truth. HOWEVER, if Ainsley was a functional adult - she would’ve just confronted Malcolm about it. She has every right to be pissed but her behaviour has been downright petty, juvenile, and cruel.

“Underestimated me. For months.” Is this the root of Ainsley’s anger? She mentioned something similar in 1x6 when Jessica and Malcolm tried to stop her from visiting Martin. She resents Jessica and Malcolm for treating her like a child. For trying to protect her from Martin. On one hand, I understand - that’s probably suffocating and frustrating. On the other hand, Ainsley’s acting like a child so....why wouldn’t they treat her like one?

“I have given up everything for you!! I don’t even know who I am anymore.” This breaks me. Malcolm is screaming through tears. He’s so utterly broken (this doesn’t count as a mental breakdown Fedak....you better give me more). Malcolm is rightfully frustrated that Ainsley doesn’t acknowledge that he literally threw out his moral code to protect her. That when this gets out - his relationship with his only real friends since he was 10 years old (JT and Dani) will probably want nothing to do with him. Malcolm probably thinks that Gil will abandon him WHEN the Endicott thing comes out. Malcolm has thrown his fragile mental health down the drain to protect Ainsley. He thinks he’s a monster. Yes. Malcolm made the choice to protect Ainsley. Ainsley doesn’t have to be grateful. She doesn’t have to respect his decision. But acknowledging that his decision was made out of love would sure help. Malcolm wanted to be a good big brother so badly that he threw away his sense of self.

“Protect me? Or control me?” Wow. Okay. I get it. Ainsley feels controlled which is bad for someone who likes being in control. But Malcolm was never trying to control Ainsley. Malcolm was trying to control a situation. Not a person. Is what Malcolm did right? No, lying to Ainsley wasn’t a great choice. But telling her the truth also wasn’t a great choice. He was damned either way.

“For someone who spent the last few decades trying to recover from being gaslight; it’s ironic how quickly you resorted to it.” Uncalled for. Was Malcolm gaslighting Ainsley? Technically, yes. HOWEVER, one of the main criteria for gaslighting is that the gaslighter is aware that they’re gaslighting someone. I honestly don’t think Malcolm realized he was gaslighting Ainsley - look at his face when she mentions it: he looks heartbroken. BESIDES. How is AINSLEY NOT GASLIGHTING MALCOLM RIGHT NOW?!?! “That’s exactly what Dad would say.” She’s trying to convince Malcolm that he’s just like Martin. She’s made him believe that she murdered a second person. She made him an accomplice to her fake murder. She knowingly continued with this ruse after he came clean and told her the truth. And he was nothing but supportive and protective. Malcolm helped her hide a body. Why is Ainsley playing the victim?!

Look at the torture on Malcolm’s face right before he apologizes to Ainsley for lying to her. This boy is being gaslight and he doesn’t even realize it.

FURTHERMORE I DON’T RECALL AINSLEY APOLOGIZING TO MALCOLM FOR MAKING HIM 1) HIDE A BODY, 2) LIE TO THEIR MOM, 3) LIE TO GIL, 4) AN ACCOMPLICE TO A SECOND (FAKE) MURDER, 5) LYING TO MALCOLM ABOUT THE SECOND MURDER. She just says, “Maybe it was a little over the top.” Come on. No.

“I appreciate that.” SERIOUSLY. Ainsley doesn’t even have the curtesy to say “I’m sorry too.” or “I know you did what you thought was best”?!? Her response feels bitter and angry. She doesn’t forgive Malcolm. She’s still livid despite the fact that her brother is literally breaking apart in front of her. There’s no questioning the genuineness of Malcolm’s apology. That’s sincere pain and remorse.

This whole scene is super disturbing because Malcolm is on the verge of tears. He’s visibly upset. Yet - Ainsley is channeling a quiet, disassociating anger (similar to what she looked like right before she murdered Endicott). She’s completely consumed by anger. She’s not acting rationally and it’s really disconcerting to watch the contrast between the two siblings.

“I had to make sure that you were never going to mess with my head again.” .....you know, a functional adult human (hell, even a half-functional adult human) would just verbally confront their sibling about it. They probably wouldn’t fully trust or forgive their sibling right away but they wouldn’t pull a stunt as cruel and malicious as Ainsley just pulled on Malcolm. The problem with Ainsley’s behaviour vs. Malcolm’s is this: Ainsley is intentionally hurting Malcolm out of anger. Ainsley wants revenge. Malcolm reacted out of fear and panic to protect Ainsley. Malcolm just wants to be a good big brother. Neither of them are perfectly in the right but Ainsley is so so so out of line.

“You need to lighten up. We got away with it.” Ainsley is a serial killer. Say it from the rooftops. This is the first time she’s shown an emotion other than anger/disassociation all episode. Ainsley is happy that they got away with it. Malcolm is crumpling under the guilt and grief but Ainsley is happy.

“No one does this murder stuff better than us.” Holy shit. I can’t. Malcolm looks so so so heartbroken here. He just realized that his sister is gone forever. AND AINSLEY damn. This girl needs some serious help. She’s going to kill again. She liked it the first time. I bet you she slaughtered the pig just to get her fix. She could’ve boughten the pig’s blood from a butcher shop or something but I bet you she killed the pig herself. And I bet you she liked it.

Hoxley is a flamboyant gay and a cocky profiler. That’s just a fact.

I can’t. Alan Cummings will always be the villain from Spy Kids to me. I don’t know how I’m going to take Hoxley seriously.

Yoooooo Endicott’s head is creepy af.

Damn. This isn’t good. Hoxley is going to ruin Malcolm’s life. I can feel it.

Okay. I loved this episode. I have a lot of feelings about it (obviously). I’m so bitter that we have to wait until April 13th for the next episode. See you guys next time. If you read this far - thanks for hanging out.

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arigatouiris · 4 years

Text

zenosyne // m. atsumu x reader

Author’s Note: I like breaking cocky anime men that I find attractive and giving them a lot of angst because I’m evil and how much I love Miya Atsumu is beyond comparison uwu Hope ya’ll like this angst fest~

Also I understand that cheating is a bit of an iffy topic, and I’m sorry if this material offends anyone here. I can picture this scenario and I’m sorry if some of you don’t agree. Feel free to let me know what you think.

Word count: 5649 words

Pairing: Miya Atsumu x Reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, trigger warnings, abusive households, alcoholic parent, fluff at the end

The average human being took 21 days to break a habit; but if that average human was Miya Atsumu, breaking the habit was as sporadic as the weather in Tokyo. He never liked Tokyo as much, and found home within Hyogo, but his games had him move so much that it sometimes made him yearn for a place that no longer existed.

Miya Atsumu did not have habits that he wanted to forget. Unless that habit included staring into the stands, searching for you, it was harmless.

After their penultimate win for that season, the MSBY Black Jackals celebrated; the crowd was loud, the cheers were everywhere—Atsumu always hated the loud that came with the audience, but he tolerated it because you would stand among them, waving at him, a large grin on your face, all directed at him. He’d raise his hand and hold it in the air for a couple of seconds, for you to see, and you would—before your grin only got wider. Atsumu would never admit what that sight made him feel, a sight that he believed he’d see for the rest of his life; but there he was, during their penultimate win that season, and you were not there.

It wasn’t even a force of habit, because his eyes never landed on the stands before. Or had they? Did Atsumu always do this? It had been over three weeks since permanently severing ties with you, and yet, his eyes kept travelling back there.

Three weeks—as long as it took to break a habit.

It was no breakup, Atsumu remembered very clearly how the phone conversation went. There was no verbal acceptance of the relationship ending, it was just one fact over another, and a misplaced goodbye from your end. You’d always managed to bag the good person card, and he didn’t mind giving it to you, either way.

“Miya-san!”

Shoyo’s form created a disturbance in the blond’s mind—the shorter male’s hands were raised to give him a high-five, which Atsumu absentmindedly delivered. But his mind was elsewhere. They say absence was also a presence, on a metaphysical level, the absence of scorpions falling from the sky itself contains the absence. The moment the mind comprehends the absence of something, that something is perpetually present. It was inevitable to miss you, because your absence screamed your presence louder. And he hated himself and hated you, too, for the ruin you’d made of each other.

But, you would be there. During every single game.

Starting from high school to how his career passed in the Black Jackals, Miya Atsumu’s sassy girlfriend would be present in the stands, cheering quietly, chuckling at his misses, nervous at his slips, and ecstatic at his victories.

Miya Atsumu wouldn’t call you perfect, but he knew in all angles that you were. Once you let someone in, you were impossible to forget. There was something about you that crawled inside a person and built a nice comfy home there, your goodness expanding until it filled every limb. You were strangely relatable to an M&M, he thought. A reverse M&M, all sweet and smooth on the outside with a tough shell inside.

It went without saying that back in high school, he was a bit of a jerk; not just anyone would catch his eye. And if Miya Atsumu was dating just one girl from his third year till he finished university and entered a sports contract with the MSBY Black Jackals, you were truly something else. In high school, you were in a non-canon school band, you sang, played the guitar, and you were part of the track team. You scored well in studies, you wrote papers based on some research findings that he barely had any idea about—you were practically all over the place and it was hard to miss you.

Miya Atsumu wouldn’t call you perfect, but he knew he’d be an idiot if he used any other word to describe you.

He loved every second of being with you because you wouldn’t make it easy for him. The second Atsumu felt like things were becoming stagnant, you’d either go missing or you’d throw at him a new challenge—you’d even fucking beat him at volleyball if you had to (thankfully, this never happened). You were constantly moving, leading the way, the complete opposite of what Atsumu thought most relationships would entitle with him around. it wasn’t that you tried hard to please him, no; it was that you were this way all this while, and Atsumu was just lucky.

You confessed to him first, serenading him in front of the entire volleyball team—throwing him for a toss and then laughing at his reaction of absolute surprise. It was as if he wasn’t allowed to be surprised at all, because there you were, pointing at his face and gawking, laughing till you had tears in your eyes.

“What’s with that face, ‘Tsumu-Tsumu?”

Oh, how you got on his nerves.

After that incident, when the school walked around talking of how you’d humiliated Miya Atsumu by throwing a pretend confession, he’d known the truth. You’d never pull something like that without a base; he knew that your words and feelings were true, but he also knew that you’d not just stop there. So what if you liked him? That did not mean you were under his beck and call—and god, that drove him crazy.

“Go be someone first, pretty boy,” you’d said and he had no idea what the fuck you meant.

As much as Atsumu loved back and forth flirting, with you, it just got frustrating because he knew that he was the one being thrown under a bus more than you were.

Two weeks went by with air flirting and tension filled winks in the corridor, which thus forced the blond to physically drag you into the broom closet in Inarizaki’s volleyball club gym, and seduce you using the mere power of his lips, tongue and hands. His words were a demand and that made you chuckle, that chuckle that made him want to simultaneously end your life or scream into the skies—he had no idea. But, you would never admit that the way he kissed you right then had stolen your words and the laugh was merely a shy response to maintain the cool demeanor you had so flawlessly carried out till then.

“Miya-san, is everything okay?” Shoyo’s voice alerted Atsumu when they were heading out of the stadium.

Atsumu ruffled the boy’s orange head before chuckling, “Ya just caught me a bit off guard there.”

It had nothing to do with Shoyo. He walked out with his team toward where the bus was, and a slight ringing sounded in the blond’s ear. He was aware that hearing a C minor in your ear constantly when no noise surrounded them was an indication of deafness, but right then, only your face kept flashing in his mind because you were the one who told him that.

You would tell him a lot of things, starting from random facts about volleyball players in Russia, to the way dolphins communicated, or even about the first man who climbed the tallest peak in the world.

But, Miya Atsumu never realized that you would never, ever speak about yourself. The attention was always directed either at him or the world, and it hurt Atsumu to even think of how he never even noticed that she remained invisible all throughout this time. it was as if she didn’t want to speak about herself, like she was living a double life but there was no way Atsumu would know about it because he just never asked.

Dating Miya Atsumu, he realized, was like dating a narcissist; the only difference being, he genuinely cared for you but he wasn’t accustomed to think of others before himself.

No one had told him it was a problem until Osamu had pointed it out, just days after breaking up with you. He was a walking box of angst waiting to spill onto the person who tried to help him, and there wasn’t anyway Atsumu could change unless the person came equipped.

It was unfair, and strangely, close to impossible.

“You were looking at the stands.” Shoyo pointed out, when they got into the bus.

Atsumu blinked before humming, wanting nothing more than to ignore this boy’s curious claims. But, Shoyo’s eyes were nothing like yours—your curiosity was directed at him at all times, but it was never demanding.

Even if you weren’t the sort to direct any attention toward yourself, Atsumu didn’t want to think he was so bad that he wouldn’t have listened if you had just asked. If you had just told him, about anything at all that was bothering you, he’d downright throw everything aside and listen to you; but saying that now, after everything was broken, was rather easy and convenient, even his mind was telling him that these excuses were privileged.

You came with a stubbornness he hated in others, but somehow grew to love in you. And that trait of yours prevented you from telling Atsumu anything about your life at all.

The first time Miya Atsumu tried to break up with you, he wasn’t really thinking straight.

The relationship was moving in a steady pace, something he wasn’t used to with girls. You were busy with track, he was busy with volleyball—what he didn’t know back then was that you were busy with academics, track, your band, and a whole lot of other things he’d only learn of years later. But, the reason Atsumu chose to break up with you for the first time was because you were just never around.

You’d come to his every game; this went without saying, but you’d disappear right after. You’d reply to his messages hours after he’d sent them. You’d come to school earlier than anyone he knew, and he’d see you leave when his practice was about to end.

Communicating you became a task and Atsumu didn’t need to be responsible for that, and while this remained a good, solid reason to break up with you, he still never asked you if you were okay. If Atsumu could go back in time, he’d slap some sense into himself, but things passed in a way only to make him regret in the future—he had no say in it now.

He approached you one evening just before practice, noticed how your winter uniform clung to your skin, your face a bit red from the biting cold, your hands buried in your pockets. Atsumu wouldn’t miss the way his stomach flipped at your eyes sparkling to meet his.

“What’s up, Tsumu?”

“Ya know... This ain’t workin’ out.”

It was the first time he had seen you cry. While 17-year old Atsumu believed it was mainly because he tried breaking up with you, 23-year old Atsumu recalled the way your eyes were already red before he told you, of how there was a mild bruise under your left eye, how your hair was disheveled—and he remembered faintly hearing you tell him that you don’t get cold too easily, so the fact that your hands were shoved in your pockets meant that you were hiding something.

If only Atsumu had known back then.

“H-Hey, (y/n)?”

Just before you were about to tell him it’s alright and it was stupid of you to burst out crying like that, Atsumu’s arms wrapped around your considerably smaller frame and pulled you close.

��“We’ll work it out, yeah?”

He was a tad bit annoyed that it didn’t go according to plan, but if he knew how much of a dick he was being back then, Miya Atsumu could have saved himself a great deal of hurt.

Pulling away, he noticed you’d already wiped your tears away. You smile at him, apologetically, invariably throwing his heart to the side, and take his hand in yours.

“I’ll make it up to you.”

And you did. You delivered each time and Miya Atsumu was always thrown for a toss. But, there was a gnawing feeling at the back of his throat, which Atsumu would only realize was guilt years later.

The first time he finds out that your father was a drunk was when you make a dark joke about it.

I’d say that my dad is an alcohol enthusiast, not alcoholic, per say.

The way you said it, it sounded hilarious to him right then. You were laughing, the boys around him were laughing—he should have judged from Osamu’s expression that one of your habits was to turn trauma into humor, but Atsumu ignored his twin brother’s expression and just focused on how intoxicatingly hilarious you were.

As he sat in the bus that was taking the MSB Black Jackals home, Miya Atsumu regretted laughing at that joke.

If only.

Those must be the saddest two words in the world, Miya Atsumu thought.

On some nights, he wonders if his heart would be filled with anything but this regret that was blinding him day in and day out. He had a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts; the ones when he’d simply just lie in bed awake and replay all those things he didn't do right. Because, as he knew, nothing solved insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing.

“Yer a cool girl, aren’t ya?”

“Is that what you see me as, Tsumu-Tsumu?”

He remembers chuckling, ignoring the fact that your eyes looked puffy.

“Yer the coolest girl in the world to me, (y/n)-chan.”

It was then, drowning in regret, while the bus moved him back to his hotel room, did Miya Astumu realize that living with heartbreak was easy if only it weren’t accompanied by regret.

He hates thinking of how you’d been so supportive, and how you’d still visit each of his games being a grad student, and yet—he was the one who went ahead and threw it all away. The itch in the back of his throat, the one that he felt for the first time back when he was trying to break up with you for the first time, was starting to grow. The itch was getting a bit difficult, Shoyo had to give him a bit of water, slap his back—and yet the itch didn’t subside.

Tsumu-Tsumu, did you try breathing?

Why was it so difficult to breathe with you absent? How dare you take his breath away and never, ever return it?

Some part of him wondered how hard you’d laugh at him if you saw him right then. He was the one who hurt you, he was the one that wronged you, yet, he was the one who broke up with you. If there was a class for disgusting people, Miya Atsumu topped that list effortlessly. It’s true, he never really cared about people disliking him but the thought of you greeting him with anything but a smile twisted his heart in painful ways.

When he was signed with the Black Jackals, Miya Atsumu thinks of breaking up with you for the second time.

He’d have to keep moving, which meant most of your relationship would be long-distance. He wasn’t sure if balancing a volleyball career and a relationship would get him where he wanted to be—so he decided he’d just end things with you before it got too serious.

If only he’d understood back then that a three-year relationship was serious enough, Miya Atsumu would not have gotten drunk and would not have made out rather provocatively with a strange woman whose name or face he did not remember the next day.

The love he felt for you was a borderline comfort that he had drawn out during his high school days. Miya Atsumu pictured it to be the sort of love that is mostly evident when you’re around, supporting him, cheering for him in that quiet, endearing way that you do—but thinking that way was giving you way little credit for what it actually was. Loving you was building a time bomb for himself the second you were not there. Loving you was building the anticipation for your exit, which then brought in the tragic, dark, bone-crunching pain that only came because he had hurt you in so many ways that you’re now forced to push yourself away because he is clearly not good for you, and you clearly deserved better.

The first time he saw you ever since kissing someone else, Miya Atsumu took nearly three seconds to come clean. But it was after spilling the words ‘I cheated on you’ did he notice something that inevitably shattered his soul.

You had a bruise on your chin, your eyes are red, your skin dry, your hair looked terrible—you clearly were not having a good time.

How could he have been so blind?

“(y/n), what happened—”

“Atsumu, you what?”

Heh, he thought before his mind reminded him of his narcisism. How many times had he even asked you how you were doing? What you were doing? How many times had he bothered to ask you if you were doing alright?

The answer devastated him.

“So, this is it then,” You said, and it was when you looked away did he find a splotch of red in the white of your eye.

His heart was rummaging in his chest. The gnawing feeling was back at the edge of his throat. He’s standing there, knowing something was clearly wrong with you, yet all he was acting out on was his own selfish desire of breaking up with you because the thought of continuing this and getting hurt later on was scaring him more.

Miya Atsumu was festering his own demise and he had no idea that he was doing it.

The expression in your eyes was as bitter as nightshade. Atsumu could feel his fingers shaking at how your lips were quivering right then, but you were doing everything you could to hold on. He could see now so clearly how your eyes were welling up with tears, but you chose fortitude over displaying emotions in front of him so you shoot him a smile and tilt your head the way you’d always done before—one of the reasons why he chose you in the first place.

“Tsumu, I hope you’re happy wherever you are,” All he wanted was to scream her name out loud, “That’s all I want.”

How much he hated you right then because every word you said you meant it.

The night three weeks ago, he remembered getting back to his apartment and vomiting his guts out. Miya Atsumu released everything out into his commode, the contents of the food he ate the day before and perhaps that morning—tears stinging the corners of his eyes as he sat there, haphazardly, breathless and tired; hair disheveled but eyes constantly bringing your image to him again and again and again.

What’s done is done, he keeps telling himself, but fuck, why does it feel like he just killed someone?

He was so blinded by your apparent perfection that he didn't recognize the tremendous pain behind your work. You gave him hundreds of images, so many chances to see that you were in trouble. He had failed you.

Atsumu shut his eyes and felt someone tap his shoulder. Turning to his right, he noticed Shoyo, looking at him curiously.

“We’re reached, Miya-san. You look ill.”

The gnawing feeling at the back of his throat was growing.

“Oh! And,” Shoyo grabbed something from the back of his pocket. Taking out his new cellphone, he displayed something to the blond, “Today’s the reunion!”

Fuck, Atsumu thought before running a hand through his hair. It was too late to cancel, Osamu was already going. A part of his heart hoped you’d be there, but he knew that it was wishful thinking.

“Did you have a highschool girlfriend, Miya-san?”

“Hm, yeah—”

Her name was (y/n).

Suddenly, Atsumu grabbed his bottle and chugged the water down, hoping the gagging feeling would subside.

“Miya-san?”

“Yanno, I’ll see ya later, squirt.”

The reunion was placed in a dingy looking bar, only because it was the closest to the university. Atsumu chuckled when he saw Osamu sitting at the corner, looking annoyed. Waving at his brother, Atsumu walked over to sit beside him, in absolute silence, before hearing Osamu click his tongue.

“You smell disgustin’.”

“Nice to see ya too, Samu. I just had a game—”

“Couldn’tya shower?” Osamu sighed, running a hand through his hair.

It didn’t take long for Atsumu to bring you up.

“She ain’t here,” Osamu said, rolling his eyes, “Head from ‘er friend, Sakura something, that ‘er life is practically shit.”

Atsumu wasn’t too surprised to hear this, but there it was again, the gagging feeling at the back of his throat.

“Didja even know ‘er father used to drink, Tsumu?”

He did. He knew.

“So fuckin’ self-centered,” He heard his twin whisper to himself. “Tis a surprise to me that she was even with ya for so long.”

He knew. Yet, he never once addressed it. Never once asked you how you were. Never once bothered to allow himself to know; it was as if he was comfortable being praised within the bubble you had created for him, sheltering him from your nasty background. Only now when he thought about it did he realize how terrible he was, as a friend, as a boyfriend, as a lover—he had failed to be a decent human being to you.

“O’er there’s Sakura something,” Osamu said, pointing to a girl Atsumu remembered would always stick by your side. “She was in the track team with (y/n).”

Atsumu normally would have stayed away; maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the deep mourning he had been feeling from the past few weeks, but in actuality, it was the gnawing feeling that was threatening to spill, it was killing him.

“Sakura-chan, it’s been a while.”

The way this girl sent a glare to Atsumu’s direction almost made him laugh.

“Let me guess, you want to know about (y/n).”

“Was it that obvious?” Atsumu rubbed the back of his head.

Sakura sighed, “Listen, I ain’t tellin’ you shit because you asked. I’m tellin’ you because it’ll do her good to see someone right now and it might as well be you because it clearly won’t be anyone else.”

What the hell does that mean?

“A month ago, (y/n)’s father left them,” Atsumu’s eyes widen, “She had to almost quit college, but her mum found a job at a convenience store. But, (y/n) moved out of her dorm and lives at home now, saving up on the grad school money and helping out.”

“Her father... He...”

“Listen,” Sakura snapped, clicking her tongue, “I ain’t tellin’ you no more of this. Go see her or don’t, she doesn’t need you. God knows you ain’t good for her.”

Atsumu almost nodded at the girl’s statement.

“She told you nothin’ because well, did ya ever ask?”

He goes back to his room after that shit-fest of a reunion, Osamu patting his shoulder a couple of times before making a move. Once he was back, Atsumu instantly broke down—the tears stinging his eyes as they fell, it was as if his tears were made of acid because it had been that long since he had cried for anything.

His hands were shaking, and he needed to do something to stop them from shaking—the feeling was intense and he hated every second of it. Throwing a nasty punch to the wall, Atsumu’s hands were bruised instantly before he realized he was a pro-volleyball player. Heading to the sink, he placed his hands under the running water and breathed, noting that his breath was hitching. He looked out into the water and just stared. Closing his eyes, Atsumu’s legs found themselves dragging him to every corner of his hotel room—finding an inch that could comfort him that night. He settled for the balcony, under the stars, where he found himself begging the sparkling lanterns of light to cure him of himself—his past and the kaleidoscope of mistakes, failures and wrong turns that have stacked unbearable regret upon his shoulders.

The loss of their final game of the season did not him him as hard as it would otherwise have. In the dressing room, he felt his phone buzz and his heart jumped out of his ribcage at the name that had popped up on his phone.

(y/n): Jump set, back set, one set, two set, if setting were easy, they might let you set!

It takes Miya Atsumu less than a few seconds to call you.

“Tsumu? Is everything okay?”

“Where are you?” It was eerie that you were whispering, but it was even eerier that he didn’t know where you were.

He always knew; it felt so strange.

“I’m at work, actually—”

At work? Aren’t you a grad student? He wanted to ask, but words refused to slip out of him right then. The silence stretched out, heartbeat after heartbeat – taut, excruciating. And then, finally, came the first sound:

“I want to see you.”

His voice betrayed him; he didn’t sound like himself, but here he was, stretching out far and thin by a person who made zero effort in ruining him but had invariably managed to do so.

It takes Atsumu even less time to book a cab and head to your location. What surprises him is that it’s the very same convenience store that your mother supposedly works at, but why did you say you were working there? Atsumu’s sudden curiosity over your wellbeing, over your life threw him for a toss. This was not how things were, but this was how things were supposed to be.

And there you were, standing outside the door, hands in your pockets, the green uniform of the convenience store over your clothes.

You stood there, in all your candid glory, confident, yet shy, and angel-like. Your (h/c) hair always seemed to capture whatever available light there was, and your skin, much to Atsumu’s annoyance, was flawless. Today you were wearing a black turtleneck that accentuated every curve and your jeans were structured in a way that they made sure they highlighted the best part of your legs. You had a thick aura of battle around you, and your face was almost doll-like, it was so pleasant to look at.

“Ya work here?” Atsumu wasn’t grinning, you felt odd.

Blinking, “Mum’s a bit tired so I’m covering her shift. Are you—”

“Why didn’t ya come to the reunion?”

“I had to submit a paper earlier today. Sorry, I’d have loved to see everyone!”

Your cheerfulness kills him, and he only hopes it doesn’t show. But, he takes a good long look at you. Yes, you’re just as beautiful—but you have dark circles around your eyes now. You’ve lost a bit of weight. You’ve lost that spark in your eye.

Clearly, you were having a difficult time. Miya Atsumu finds that his heart is breaking at the revelation.

“Tsumu, are you okay?”

Fucking hell.

“Stop.”

Your eyes widen, “Eh?”

“How am I? How are you?! Tell me what’s wrong, (y/n)! Tell me what’s happenin’ with you, I never... I never asked ya so ya never tell me? Am I really that fucked up of a guy? That ya can’t... I loved ya, (y/n), I still... Damn it! I fucked up, okay? I fucked up big time! (y/n)—”

You walk over to him and pat his head, but Atsumu instantly slaps your hand away. You shoot him a glare before patting his head once more and pulling him down forcefully, his head on your shoulder, breathing into it.

“Dad left us,” Atsumu freezes at your words. “He used to drink. He’d throw things sometimes. He didn’t really hit anyone until we’d go over to stop him—”

“That’s fuckin’ horrible—”

“He had his own issues.”

Atsumu pulls away before cursing, “Stop bein’ so fuckin’ understandin’ all the damn time!”

You find yourself giggling at his actions.

“It’s okay now.” You said, giving him a kind smile.

Atsumu shakes his head, “It’s not. It’s not okay, (y/n). What the fuck—Why... Why were you even with someone like me? What the hell is wrong with ya?”

He could see how the anger built up in your eyes, but he wasn’t finished.

“You’re so fucking... perfect,” He rubs a hand over his face in frustration, “Grad student, supporting yer mom, you... you came to every single game o’ mine. Every single game, damn it... I never knew ‘cause you barely showed any signs, but why... Why the fuck were ya with someone like me—”

“Tsumu... You kept me alive, you know?” He refused to believe it. “When I was with you, I could forget things from my life that would have otherwise destroyed me. I grew to love you because of how passionate you were and that passion blinded me,” You went ahead and held his hands in yours, not ignoring the freshly formed bruise on his knuckles.

“I was with you as a choice, Tsumu, and I’d choose you every single fucking time. I wasn’t with you because i had nowhere to go. Don’t ever think that, okay? Because I can very well live fine by myself! I chose to be with you because I love you and I’ll do anything for the people I love,”

He had never seen this face of yours. It was enchanting.

“And I get it, people say choose yourself over boys, but maybe, choosing you was what kept me healthy, because look at me, Tsumu,” You point to yourself, tears leaking out of your eyes, “Take a good long look!”

Miya Atsumu’s eyes widen. You’re so tired, it’s as bright as day now. The spark in your eye almost gone.

“Loving you helped me, and I’m not saying that your self-centered assholery is toxic, no. Yeah, sure, it can be toxic, but I needed it at the time. I... I am not perfect, Tsumu. I’m so far from perfect that it’ll knock your socks off!”

You were rambling now and he remembered that trait of yours—a rare aspect from his past; you’d ramble when you got nervous, your hands flailing cutely in front of you, tracing invisible lines in the air as you tried to narrow down your words. Atsumu’s gaze softens, as he lets you.

“P-Perfection doesn’t come from someone hiding their pain well, it’s... it’s dark and gritty and bloody and sweaty, because it’s so fucking hard—” Your voice breaks in the end.

Atsumu doesn’t waste time in pulling you to his chest, shushing you and kissing your cheeks in the next minute; he holds your face like you are the most precious thing ever.

He takes a breath before asking you something he was afraid to, “I cheated on you, didn’t you get mad?”

You nod, “I got hella mad, I’m still a bit mad, of course! Hey, just because I’m madly in love with you doesn’t make me a doormat, yanno?” You fumble.

Atsumu notices how red your face is now, and he smiles. A genuine smile—one that you hadn’t seen on Atsumu in so, so long. Your hand is in his and he bends to your level, his forehead on your shoulder, and it first comes out as a whisper,

“I’m so sorry, (y/n).”

Your eyes widen slowly.

“I’m so sorry, I love you so much. I’m sorry—”

A second later, you wind your hands around him, hugging him, and it shushes him.

You don’t hesitate, “You gotta make it up to me, you know?”

Atsumu smiles so warmly as he wipes the tears off your eyes, nodding. His hand glides down your arm, folds over your hand. His fingers lace with yours, palms kissing. You could feel the fast thud of his heart through this single touch.

“I’ll do that for the rest of my life, (y/n).”

You make a disgusted face a second later, “Stop being so sappy, Tsumu, ewwww.”

Your hands grasp his collar and bring him down to your level, as you plant a kiss him on his lips. Atsumu kisses back but you could feel the hesitation in his bones, and it annoys you. You pull away, and say the one thing Atsumu has been dying to prove to you.

“Kiss me like you missed me, Atsumu.”

They say a kiss is a secret which takes the lips for the ear. When Atsumu kisses you right then, he could have been whispering the secrets of the universe to you, but you didn’t care. His mouth came down on yours. And that was it. All the self-control he’d exerted over the past weeks went, like water crashing through a broken dam. Your arms came up around his neck and he pulled you against him. His hands flattened against your back, and you were up on the tips of your toes, kissing him as fiercely as he was kissing you. He clung to you more tightly, knotting his hands in your hair, trying to tell you, with the press of his mouth on yours, all the things he could never say out loud.

“I love you so much, Miya Atsumu,” You say, your hands on his cheek, “I’m sorry for not opening up to you.”

With a shake of his head, “I’ll never let ya go, (y/n).”

At that second, neither of you realize that Miya Atsumu would never look at another; the gagging in his throat was gone, replaced with the need to constantly wonder about you—a need to have you by his side permanently. Perhaps, this was growth. One would never know. But, whatever it was, Miya Atsumu was glad that he had found a habit he didn’t ever have to break anymore.

#miya atsumu #miya atsumu x reader #atsumu x reader #atsumu miya #atsumu #atsumu miya x reader #osamu miya #miya osamu #inarizaki #msby black jackal #shoyo hinata #miya atsumu imagine #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #reader insert

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rosethornewrites · 4 years

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Fic: The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste ch. 1-2

Characters: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Lila Rossi, Jagged Stone, Plagg, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine, Penny Rolling, Anarka Couffaine, Rose Lavillant, Juleka Couffaine, Kagami Tsurugi, Alya Césaire, Chloé Bourgeois, Wayhem, Nadja Chamack, Nathalie Sancoeur, Sabine Cheng, Tom Dupain, Tikki, Fang, Principal Damocles, Caline Bustier, Ms. Mendeleiev, original minor character, Alec Cataldi, Lila Rossi's Mother, Sabrina Raincomprix, Roger Raincomprix, Mylène Haprèle, Le Gorille | Adrien Agreste's Bodyguard, Nino Lahiffe, Nooroo

Tags: Lila Rossi salt, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Teenage Rebellion, Swearing, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Crack Treated Seriously, Lila Rossi's Lies Are Exposed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Luka Couffaine Needs a Hug, Paparazzi, Parentification, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Needs a Hug, Gabriel Agreste Needs an Aneurism, Uncle Jagged Stone, we're all queer here, the spirit of punk is sometimes just being allowed to be yourself, Kagami Finds Her Groove, punk rock fashion, Savage Kagami, Marinette protection squad, Good Parent Sabine Cheng, Good Parent Tom Dupain, Protective Kagami Tsurugi, Protective Luka Couffaine, Bisexual Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Pansexual Luka Couffaine, Sharing a Bed, Pet Names, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Instagram, Bullying, Social Media, Anxiety, Makeover, Hugs, will cure your acne, Face Punching, Bad Ass Juleka Couffaine, Rumors, Protective Juleka Couffaine, Protective Adrien Agreste, Lawyers, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Holding Hands, accountability, mental health, Jagged Stone's well-paid pet shark, How to Make the Evening News, Sexy eyeliner for days, one fish two fish Lila is a screwed fish, How to have fun and piss Gabriel off, Fuckery, sweet litigious karma, Alya sugar, lawyer shark doo doo doo doo doo doo, Schadenfreude, Bad Ass Alya Césaire, Gaslighting, abuse denormalization, Jagged likes his lawyers like he likes his pets: toothy af, Blood in the Water, Everything you didn’t know you wanted and some things you did, Gabriel Agreste is shark bait, Denial, Consequences, Principal Damocles salt, caline bustier salt, the impotence of Gabriel Agreste, snarky Nooroo, lies and the lying liars who tell them, Lila's brain is a narcissistic hellscape, Lila’s mind is built like an Escher piece, Alec Cataldi salt, Adrien Sugar, wholesome salt, Fu Salt, Kwami Shenanigans, Nooroo is a little shit

Summary: Gabriel decides that Adrien entering a romantic relationship is a good move for the brand. He chooses Lila Rossi as the other half. Adrien nopes tf out.

Notes: I was gonna have it be a slow acceleration, but Adrien was all “Go big or go home.” Also trying to find motivation to write more of this fic.

AO3 link

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“No,” Adrien growled. “Absolutely not!”

Lila made a show of crying, not that anyone in the room believed her tears were real.

Gabriel frowned at him from his desk. “This will be good for the brand—”

“Fuck the brand!”

“Adrien! This is unbecoming. You will be seen to be dating Ms. Rossi. That is final.”

Adrien’s fists were so tight he was sure he had crescents eating into his palms. “Like hell it is! I will not date that—” he gestured at Lila “—lying cow. Not after how she’s hurt my friends.”

Said girl gasped, outraged, and Adrien was glad to see she actually looked truly upset.

His father stood, but kept his voice emotionless, calm, self-assured that he would capitulate. “Cease this ridiculous teenage rebellion.”

He saw red, but oddly it calmed him. “Father, you have not seen teenage rebellion,” he said, his voice almost terrifyingly calm. “But I would be happy to teach you what it looks like if you try to force me to do this.”

Gabriel’s eyes narrowed behind his glasses. Adrien could see him considering that, but then discarding it. “It will be in the papers tomorrow. If you misbehave, you’ll no longer be permitted to go to school.”

Adrien snorted. He knew more ways to escape this house than his father could possibly anticipate—some he’d made himself, even. “Good luck, Gabe. You’re going to need it.”

He spun on his heel before his father could respond and slammed the door behind him. With the enhanced strength he had as the Black Cat Miraculous chosen, the wood cracked audibly.

As he made his way back to his room, he realized the opportunity his father had just placed in his lap. As the face of the brand, Adrien had more power than Gabriel seemed to realize. It was time to stretch those muscles.

He had planning to do.

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His father had spectacularly good timing for pulling this kind of stunt—for Adrien, anyway. He’d heard from a couple of friends of his that a certain rock star was in town. And if anyone was up for promoting teenage rebellion, Adrien had no doubt it would be Jagged Stone.

It was child’s play to sneak out of the house. He didn’t even have to transform to do it. From there it was just making his way to the Grand Paris Hotel. The staff assumed he was there to see Chloé, so getting in was no problem. Jagged Stone always rented the same suite, so that wasn’t an issue, either.

The hard part, he knew, would come after he knocked on the door.

Jagged opened the door, and then peered at him suspiciously.

“Um, M. Stone, I don’t know if you remember me but—”

The rock star suddenly broke into a wide grin. “Oh, you’re Marinette’s model friend, right?”

Adrien blinked. Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard. His rock idol knew him?

Sadly, he had no time to fanboy.

“Yes, Adrien. I was wondering if I could trouble you for some help?”

And so that was how Adrien Agreste wound up sitting in Jagged Stone’s suite, petting Fang, and telling him about the woe that was the obsession his father had with Lila Rossi, Liar Extraordinaire.

“She said I had a what?”

“A kitten. And she got Marinette expelled and is just being really awful to her.”

Jagged opened a cell phone. “Penny, I need you. Yes, I know I sent you for macrons, but this is really important. Bring my niece with.”

When he was finished, he turned to Adrien again. “We’ll get that taken care of.”

“That’s not all, M. Stone.”

He pressed forward, telling his idol of the relationship he was being forced into and his promise to show Gabriel Agreste just what he could do if he really rebelled.

When he was done, Jagged’s face was gleeful in an almost terrifying way.

“Oh, please tell me I get to help with this?” At Adrien’s nod the man whooped in excitement. “Brilliant. Once my niece gets here, we’ll plan properly. She’s a planner, that one. Smart as a whip.”

Adrien blinked. “Your niece?”

“Marinette, of course! Honorary niece.”

His jaw dropped. Marinette had always had the upper hand on Lila, could call in Jagged at any moment to destroy her, and had held back. He never should’ve stopped her.

“My father can’t know she helped. He’s got so much power in the fashion industry, and I don’t want to hurt her career.”

Jagged waved away his concerns. “Mate, listen. From what I understand you’re the face of that company. You have the power, not him. Get you in some Marinette originals, and he can’t undo the fame that’ll bring her.”

Adrien hadn’t considered that. “I just don’t want her hurt.”

He heard the door open, and then a soft, “Adrien?”

It meant he had to explain the situation all over again, letting Jagged Stone assure her that he was going to pop the liar’s kitten whopper as soon as possible.

“I can stop by your school with Fang, yeah? They can’t keep me from saying hi to my favorite niece.”

Marinette bit her lip. “That would be helpful, but for Adrien…”

Adrien smiled. “I want you to design me a new look. Something we can do here and now—maybe with the discrete help of some of the hotel staff, since they have that nice spa and such. Hair dye, new clothes. Maybe some fake piercings. Oooh, a fake tattoo?”

Jagged glanced at Penny, who looked uncertain about this. “Don’t be a party pooper, Penny.”

“His father might sue you,” she pointed out.

“Like I care. I have money.” He grinned. “And for what? Giving his kid a makeover?”

“French law—”

“Nope, don’t care. It’s happening. Get his sizes and go to my favorite stores. Adrien, what color scheme?”

Adrien blinked. He hadn’t thought that far. He glanced at Marinette. “Um, do you think Chat Noir would mind if I used his colors? I think of him when I think teenage rebellion.”

That was more because being Chat Noir had up to this point been his way of rebelling, but she didn’t need to know that.

To his surprise, Marinette grinned, the smile wide enough to match Jagged’s. “Oh, I like that idea. Chains and spikes? Fake lip ring and septum?”

“Absolutely!”

Jagged made a shooing motion at Penny, who rolled her eyes and headed toward the door, before joining in. “Now how about this idea: black and neon green hair, done to look like a skunk’s stripes!”

Adrien was surprised to find himself laughing honestly at the idea. He’d been so angry less than an hour ago, but this was truly fun. “This makes me think of those J-Rock bands, how they used to dress up.”

Jagged’s phone let out a guitar riff and he glanced at it. “Oh, right. Penny needs your measurements. Shoe size, too. Definitely some stomping boots, I think.”

He handed over his unlocked phone for Adrien to text.

“I’ll call the salon, yeah?”

Adrien nodded, texting the information, then froze. “Wait, Chloé might tell my father.”

That got a laugh. “Nah. They’re discrete. They bring everything up here for me—I won’t be around people if I’m getting my hair dyed.”

While Jagged made the call, Adrien finished the text. When he looked up, Marinette was watching him. She turned pink when she realized he’d caught her.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” she asked after a moment.

He sighed, slumping back on the sofa and resting his hand on Fang’s head again. “No, but I don’t have any better ones. That stupid news claiming I’m with Lila’s going to hit tomorrow. And I’m so done with this, with him treating me like I’m property.”

Marinette looked worried, and he tried to muster up a smile. From her expression, he didn’t manage it.

“Maybe…” she started, then trailed off.

“Maybe?”

She didn’t look at him. “Maybe you should look into laws involving child labor and parental responsibility. You… you might be able to get emancipated.”

That startled him—something he hadn’t even thought of before. He hadn’t even been aware it was an option.

When Marinette did look at him, her eyes were stormy. “He’s so… cruel to you. Maybe there’s legal recourse.”

“I’ll think about it,” he murmured. That seemed like such a drastic measure. “I don’t know if I want to go that far.”

She nodded, and he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

Plagg shot out of his pocket the moment the door was closed. “I’m so proud of you kid. This is gonna be great!”

“Thanks, Plagg.”

The kwami grabbed the proffered wedge of camembert.

“And think about what Pigtails said. Your dad’s a real piece of work, and you deserve better.”

“I will.”

Adrien could feel the idea turning over in his mind, as though gathering strength. When he left the bathroom, Jagged met him excitedly.

“I have just the idea! A temporary face tattoo!”

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfiction #adrien agreste #jagged stone #uncle jagged #penny rolling #plagg #marinette dupain cheng #gabriel agreste #gabriel agreste’s a+ parenting #lila rossi #lila salt #lila 'the liar' rossi #ml salt #miraculous salt #my fanfiction #The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste

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starboy14176 · 3 years

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Abusive/unsympathetic Janus music! (Almost all demus/anxceit/intruanxceit stuff) also ps. None of this is supposed to be u!remus or u!virgil just Janus babyyyyy

Teeth - 5 seconds of summer

“Call me in the morning to apologize

Every little lie gives me butterflies

Something in the way you're looking through my eyes

Don't know if I'm gonna make it out alive”

“Blood on my shirt, rose in my hand

You're looking at me like you don't know who I am”

Bus beat - the front bottoms

“You keep me numb (you keep me numb)

And you keep me blind (you keep me blind)

Because my baby likes it when I can't make up my mind”

The drug in me is you - failing in reverse

“My bodies tremblin' sends shivers down my spine

Adrenaline kicks and shifts into overdrive,

Your secrets keep you sick your lies keep you alive

Snake eyes every single time you roll with crooked dice”

Choke - idk how

“Now shut your dirty mouth

If I could burn this town

I wouldn't hesitate

To smile while you suffocate and die

And that would be just fine

And what a lovely time, that it would surely be

So bite your tongue

And choke yourself to sleep”

This is love - air traffic controller

“You're no good, you're no good

You could kill me and you should

I'm an idiot for thinking

This was anything but blood

On the wall, on the couch

On the corner of my mouth

You must like being the victim

You've done nothing to get out

Of this pattern of pain

Washed away by the rain

You'll forgive me if I promise

And do nothing but the same”

“Yeah once you think you're in control

You'll believe that we are partners

And you'll feel uncomfortable

Oh then the darkness rolls in

And you'll forget who I have been

Oh but you'll love, love, love it, this is love”

Body terror song - AJJ

“One that will hurt you, and be the subject of so much of your fear

It will betray you, be used against you, then it'll fail on you my dear

But before that, you'll be a doormat, for every vicious narcissist in the world

Oh how they'll screw you, all up and over, then feed you silence for dessert”

I think I’m ok - Machine gun Kelly

“But I cannot hide in hills of California

Because these hills have eyes, and I got paranoia”

It took me by surprise - Maria Mena

“I would react badly

To the slightest hint of hesitance”

“I'd cry knowing how my tears

Felt like acid burning through his skin”

“Now he's afraid of me

Now he's afraid of me”

Teddy bear - Melanie Martinez

“When you started talking in your sleep

Saying things you'd do to me

I didn't care, I wasn't scared

Now I'm finding knives under the sheets

Crumbled photographs of me

I'm in despair

Should I be scared?”

“Now you're showing up inside my home

Breathing deep into the phone

I'm so unprepared, I'm fucking scared”

“Teddy bear, you were my teddy bear

You were comforting and quiet

How did love become so violent?

Teddy bear, you were my teddy bear

Everything was so sweet until you tried to kill me”

Cake - Melanie Martinez

“Your skin is warm like an oven,

Your kiss is sugary sweet

Your fingers feel like cotton when you put your arms around me

I feel like I'm just missing something whenever you leave

You've got all the ingredients

Except you loving me”

Disenchanted - my chemical romance

“It was a lie when they smiled

And said, you won't feel a thing”

Build god, then we’ll talk - panic at the disco

“There are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses

It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses

At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains

And a few more of your least favorite things”

The haunting - set it off

“Little spirals in their eyes

Catch a lover, turn an enemy

Just to watch them burn alive

No one will love you like I did

Will treat you like I did

So go on, wear that scarlet letter”

Wolf in sheep’s clothing - set it off

“Beware, beware, be skeptical

Of their smiles, their smiles of plated gold

Deceit so natural

But a wolf in sheep's clothing is more than a warning”

Horrible kids - set it off

“What makes this target grow

Is it when his feelings show?

Hold a gun to his head and you'll know

You've pushed him down as low as he can

Go! Get away from me

Leave me be

I beg you please

I'm on the floor on bended knee.

Maybe then I'll keep my sanity.”

Pit of vipers - Simon Curtis

“Put your fangs into my back”

“I use you, I'm no good, need to be in control

I said I use you, I'm no good, need to be in control”

#sander sides #sandersides #virgil sanders #remus sanders #unsympathetic deceit #deceit sanders #unsympathetic janus #Janus sanders #u!janus #u!deceit #abuse #song lyrics #angst #ahhhhhhhhhhhh

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metvmorqhoses · 4 years

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Why do you think Voldemort never hooked up with another woman but Bella ? Were his choices limited to his ranks ? Were most women afraid of him ? Did he find Bella convenient since she was his DE and married? Don't men get bored with too much devotion ? She let him know how much she cared about him . Was she simply good in bed so he didn't need to look elsewhere? Was her being married another thing he found convenient? Was she convenient or special ? How was he as a 'lover' in your opinion ?

well, you provoke me and i oblige - or as i like to call it: the 100th novel-length essay on bellamort.

the reasons that in my eyes ultimately made bellatrix “the only one” for voldemort are many and various, but at the end of the day it has everything to do with who and how i think he was as a person.

as i said many times before and i feel the duty to keep specifying, over the years i started to consider these characters in a more adult and complex way, imagining them as real life persons and not fairy-tale villains and that’s where my analyses of them come from. sadly what jkr told us about their relationship is close to nothing, so all we have here is thought processes and fervent opinions about their few, filtered by harry’s eyes and painfully public interactions.

now, voldemort’s character, if looked at beyond the pure ideal of power and darkness that he so carefully built around himself, is clearly a human being as deep as the very pit of hell and full of contradictions, twistedness, beauty and voids to fill.

bear with me, because you cannot really understand what i think bellatrix was for him without explaining how i see his psychology first, which i think many many times is overly simplyfied and excused with a shrug and a “well, he’s evil”:

voldemort was born with a genius intelligence and magical talent, the most handsome looks and yet he was not only completely and utterly alone, but also a completely broken human since birth. his mother porpuselly conceived him putting his muggle father under a love potion, so he’s basically the direct offspring of the worst kind of rape: not only his mother abused his father physically, forcing him to have sex with her without his consent, but even emotionally, because she forced him to have feelings for her - as untrue as they might have been. not only that, but voldemort was clearly unloved by his parents from the very start, abandoned by them both in different ways before he was even capable to remember them. he had then been raised and abused since the most tender age in a filthy orphanage where everyone shunned and feared and made him believe he was insane, treating him god’s knows how badly, because he was able to do “things” no one else could, things that made people uncomfortable (think at how bigots can abuse children nowadays with the excuse of possession without magic or the devil even existing, i wouldn’t be surprised if tom as a child was put under monstrous rituals with the hope of exorcising him, it was after all the 30s in a really degraded and poor environment). imagine the hate, the resentment, the fear, the basic instinct to survive and only caring about himself that must have started to boil inside of him in the most dangerous of ways. he surely had the inclination to became what he ultimately became from birth, but goodness how life helped him. he learnt to defend and avenge himself from such a hostile world from the very start, it was a matter of surviving or succumbing. and then, at some point of his young age, he finally started to master and taste something that made him feel good, that made him feel right about himself, he started to enjoy the feeling of being in control of his abusers, of manipulating them, of hurting them, of taking what he wanted from them, the feeling of power - and moreover, a power that directly originated from inside himself - his power. he obviously started to consider himself his own savior, he started to intimately feel special, better than anyone, superior. at the same time he started to hate muggles, because muggles had been his first real source of utter isolation and pain (thing reinforced by the discovery, many years later, that his father, the reason he had to go through all that, was one of them). then, out of the blue, he was told that “more” he had so strong inside of himself was indeed magic. imagine the feeling of validation he must have felt about his uniqueness and superiority, imagine how powerfully his addiction to this wondrous thing he could finally name must have taken definitive root inside of him. magic became his everything, his religion, his purpose, his assurance of never having to feel weak, vulnerable or defenseless ever again. magic was the fuel that alimented everything he literally had in the world and that he ever felt comfortable to ever want (uniqueness, power, superiority, extraordinariness). human relationships were ludicrously out of the question in his eyes since he was a child. human beings were not reliable nor trustworthy. human beings were an utter disappointment, everyone was beneath him and no one really deserved his consideration anyway. magic was everything that really mattered. without magic, he was literally nothing - or at least that’s what life had convinced him of. an existence of his not desperately clutched on and inextricably intertwined with it was not something he even dared to fathom for himself. if you understand this, if you understand the perversion of his dependency towards magic, everything he ever did becomes painfully clear. magic for him was something so fundamental, so deeply mingled with his very being (and this is probably also the reason he indeed was the most powerful wizard that ever lived), that growing up he became more and more desperately obsessed about preserving and strengthening it. this is the root of his every choice, from venturing into the dark arts turning out completely disfigured but incredibly more powerful, to believing he could actually be the first immortal in history, to his entire anti-muggle politics. not only muggles were inferior and disgusting to him, but their mingling with wizards was in his eyes a dreadful threat to the very existence of magic and therefore everything special he ever had been. as a result, he ventured deeper and deeper into it, never to come back. no magic act seemed against nature to him, because he considered himself one with it. this is where his iron-rooted god complex comes from and i think it’s something a little more complicated than simple megalomania. but this is also where his problems with his own humanity (and other’s) started. at some point he really considered himself more than human, of a different species. no aspect of humanity meant anything to him, on the contrary, i think he had terrible problems with every basic human behavior, from caring, to having to eat and drink to survive, to sweating and having sexual impulses - and, of course, to the ultimate form of humanity, dying. i think he was profoundly disgusted by his and other’s physicality, to anything that could remind him of his mortality, even a breath.

and that’s why i don’t really think even as a most handsome young men he even spared girls or women a glance. i think he considered the whole thing far beneath him, as if a god was interested in exchanging fluids with worms. i also think deep down there was simultaneously an intellectual and not only a physical element in his disgust: i think he considered his good looks something pleasant to look at in a mirror (he only deserved the best, even in a face), quite useful, but in general absolutely meaningless and void. not to mention that was his muggle father’s face, the revolting beauty that doomed it as a child and that shamed him every day looking back at him in the mirror. the entire crowds of girls that without any doubt must have fawned over him at school were probably amusing to him in rare particularly good days and insufferable and despicable the rest. no one deserved to be around him, no one could understand his real greatness or void anyway, no matter how low they rightfully bowed - and they had to bow, but from a fair distance. i think the mere thought of sex was something absolutely revolting to him.

until.

now you are probably starting to understand why i needed this endless preface to answer your question.

i think bellatrix was something really unexpected for him, that came relatively late in his life while he was busy with everything else, building an empire and becoming a most powerful immortal creature, and it was extraordinary enough to enkindle something in him, in his humanity, at first even without his consent or him even noticing.

yes, you heard me right, despite all i have just written, lord voldemort was still human being and of a really damaged and flawed kind, no matter what he stubbornly wanted to believe about himself.

i think the first immediate reason that sparkled voldemort’s interest was that bellatrix somehow reminded him of himself. and we do know that he was really able to love only himself. this is the ultimate narcissistic thought process. she was everything he admired of his own qualities: beautiful, dark, incredibly intelligent and magically skilled, proud, ambitious, ruthless, power-angry. they were incredibly similar. but she was at the same time somehow more than him, she actually was what he thought he was supposed have been: the heir of one of the most noble and ancient magical families of britain, pure powerful blood in her veins. it’s obvious he took her under his wing, thinking such a talent was a most valuable addiction to his cause, especially because along all that, bellatrix was able from the start to show him a loyalty, usefulness and adoration of a different, truer kind from all the others. and i think he really valued that, i think he was completely aware she was the only person he could really trust and i think it wasn’t a secondary thing for someone who had never really trusted anyone from the day he was born - that he was aware of it or not. one thing is believing your followers are loyal to you and your cause (an example is snape), another is having the absolute certainty that someone will always be at your side, no matter how desperate the situation - and only bellatrix was ever able to provide him that. he was intelligent enough to tell the difference. i think bellatrix’s unfaltering loyalty and mind-presence at azkaban for fourteen years after his apparent demise was something that really won his respect and admiration. and no, i don’t really think voldemort was the kind of person that gets tired of too much devotion, at least not a true, sincere one, as the kind bellatrix’s provided him from day one. i actually think he was in desperate need of it, consciously or not. voldemort probably had, in my vision, a peculiar relationship with devotion and servility: he thought everyone owed him as much, but was at the same time quite annoyed by too much of it (killing people who said too much “my lords”). but not too much of bellatrix’s, and it’s probably because of the fact hers was of a deeper and more honest kind of devotion.

we don’t have to forget bellatrix was almost as egocentric, proud and vain as him, this is the woman who sits on chairs as if they were thrones. she was wizarding royalty and she sure as hell acted accordingly, she was used to have everyone bow to her (and if they didn’t, she made them). and the fact that she, this fearless tigress, only bowed to him, out of admiration and not blind fear (even if a healthy component of fear was indeed present in her as well), was certainly a reason of great pleasure and amusement to him. don’t even forget i totally believe bella amused him as hell. can you imagine anyone else rendered a blathering idiot in front of him, following him so closely, too closely, speaking without asking, etc, who would have lived to tell the tale? bella was allowed things no one else was, pet name included.

she was one hell of a woman, painfully like him, that literally melted and would have died any moment for him. this started to move things inside of him that i’m sure at first he didn’t like, especially the physical impulses. i said many times i’m convinced at first he was resolute into killing her. the fact that in the end he didn’t tells the tale for me. who knows, maybe the killing in the middle turned into other primordial activities. sexually, i do think he had the need to use a fair amount of violence, not so much because he wanted to hurt her, but to deal with the mortality/humanity aversion, and i think bellatrix was the only woman who was mentally built to not only understand, but enjoy that. i think bella’s legs went week in front of his displays of power, no matter if the victim was her. i wasn’t really a matter of dominating her spirit, but totally possessing her body for him. funnily enough, i think he absolutely respected her in his own twisted way and that she totally thought the same. that respect had nothing to do with their physical and political power dynamics.

again, they were absurdly similar and well-matched. i think at some point she became invaluable to him in a similar way magic was, so much he actually risked his own life and failure to ensure she wasn’t captured again. everyone else was disposable, but not his bella. he could have punished her the rare times she let him down, but as a death eater, not as a person. i think bellatrix was the only case in which the two things in his mind were actually separate even if linked.

they fond each other in darkness and voldemort, lover of uniqueness, surely understood the extraordinary quality of such a relationship. he wanted only the best for himself, he deserved as much, and bellatrix was the actual best in his mind. she, having a similar thought, had inside of her a dramatic and overwhelming pull towards darkness, power and violence, and he embodied them all and much more in her eyes.

so, in conclusion (because i could go on for several other hours), for sure bellatrix was also, along with all the other things, convenient to him, not so much because she was married, because i think neither of them gave an effing fuck about it, but because she was perfect for him in basically every single way (best death eater, genius, skilled, pureblood, devious, not afraid of his darkness but drawn to it, loyal, submitted to him but only to him), as if he himself had carefully molded out of clay his ideal match.

as to how i think voldemort was as a lover - really, really painfully disturbing, as his whole character. i don’t think him really able to separate passion and violence, for example, and i see him really prone to dangerous mood swings, trust issues and destructive tendencies. he was also surely overly possessive of bellatrix, his bella. he was the only one entitled to treat her as he pleased, no one else, no matter if he had just crucioed the hell out of her. lay a finger on her and you are dead. also, i don’t really think he ever told her just how much she meant for him, on the contrary i think whenever he thought she was getting too close and him too attached, he would mercilessly push her away, even violently.

but at the same time i see him quite thoughtful and appreciative of everything bellatrix was, much more than any other man or husband of that society. he really thought she was the best besides himself. that he told it out loud or not, i think he was well aware of all bellatrix’s qualities, especially the ones she directed towards him, and was intimately and very deeply proud of her. i think he was really grateful for her existence and the moment she died he just knew everything was lost.

#bellamort #here i am voldemort's psychologist welcome to my office #lord voldemort #tom marvolo riddle #bellatrix black #bellatrix lestrange #hp #in the land of gods and monsters #villains #one and one thousand stories lis told #asks/replies #anon

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benchgenderstudies · 3 years

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An address of the similarities to Beauty Pageants and use of women as cultural capital.

Opening/

Introduction to Regulating of the Fashion (Model) and Casino/Luxury Industry

By Michael Bench, MEP WGSGC

Exercise Physiology Masters, Gender Anthropologist

Author of Native Supremacy.

In calling for the regulation of the fashion industry and fashion model sizes; there is a freakish pushback by the victims themselves:the models The models still believe they are indebt to a talent agency network. The talent agency has signed them on, sent them to events with a positive initial experience to remember.. and subsequently start charging them outrageous fees. Fees that ultimately keep a model quiet about the unhealthy conditions of the industry. She's mistaken that her earnings are somehow supposed to be diverted to the talent agency instead. The fashion industry borrows a common strategy used by Russian and illegal immigrant sexshops; confiscating their girls' passports and identity until they 'pay off' visa costs and other miscellaneous compounding expenses.

The talent agencies are further bold in their exploitation of the models that they would start sending her to unpaid events while holding substantial debt against her. They would send her to accused rapists and molesters in the photography/marketing industry for it is the photographer that holds the industry bottlenecked no matter what abuse he might choose to visit on his lesser known clients.

Very little research is conducted on measuring fashion model, porn actress, or pageant model intelligence. Definitions of intelligence are hotly debated to rid Science of once accepted credentials of the First World, the Third World and Civilization spheres as they were known to the Early British Empire. I will here address this debate in brevity: the pageant models and runway fashion models are a multiracial collective. Those who have previously experienced lives devoid of privilege tend to reward and guard their modeling experiences with higher levels of positivity than her Anglo coworkers. This does not mean (she) also regards modeling more positively than her coworkers. I propose across the board those with suspicious objective perspectives as underprivileged/oppressed races and ethnicities before new academic challenges will be much better educational prospects in quality learning environments.

In a Google Scholar search, no declared IQ research had been conducted on fashion models. I then searched for pageant model education levels with the same level of results. They appeal to girls working on a bachelors degree or younger. What material I could find revealed that one could not ask a fashion model or pageant model how smart she was. Her answer would reveal a skewed proposition that her model experience was a type of specialized skill This is first a paradox since females only enter pageants as temporary affirmations hoping to build from it. Some want to go to veterinary colleges, others still dont know. They just know they love the attention (Tonn) A Narcissist does love their attention. They make facts bend all around what they want to do.

The model and the abuser share this in common; In order to not sound foolish for justifying global attention at the expense of their health, safety and sans protection from financial crime and perverts.... she avoids admit the industry is a craven fraud scouting out young people to steal their commercial identity profits. Less so in the pageant environment where parents have a watchful eye on their children. In fashion modeling the parents try their hardest to avert their eyes from the quo sexualization of girls as young as ten. Thylane Blondeau's mother was already in modeling and celebrity culture. Its norms skewed her sense a photographer like Tom Ford could instruct her child to assume poses of actual adult erotica in posture and manner. The pictorial was displayed in Vogue.

The first pageants were meant to extend tourist season. Tourist season tends to revolve around hotels and casinos; the only venues large enough to have a pageant. Pageants like Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria(MBGN) have a mission statement to be a competitive event on the global stage. Silverbird, the managing company of MBGN, admits it grooms female contestants in all aspects of the competition (Balogun). The grooming isnt only about the pageant competition but of contestants gender roles and sexual norms for conquest. “They are the virgins of newly found cultural capital”. Predators observe 'fresh (unrefined) meat” for their own; the casino's high rollers.

Mr. Oke, a staff member at Silverbird, commented, “I’m always scared of these girls. They are powerful. That’s why I’m always nice to them. They’re all going to dump their boyfriends after this is over. You’d be surprised, one of them might be the future wife to a minister [head of national ministries]; they might just be the one to make that phone call to make or destroy a deal.” Newly formed relationships with business leaders, celebrities, and politicians were touted as signs of emergence into new elite circles centered on transnational culture and capital to which most contestants would otherwise not have access. ( Balogun)

This quote simultaneously exposes the pageant staff starting the courting process of the upper class and defending the experience as an opportunity. The pageant presents celebrities as the appropriate bachelors to set them back in their traditional roles as housewives. Business executives, actors, and politicians are of the few occupations that can sustain a single earner household. If a pageant is the updraft for young females to bridge their social network with the social elite, then pageants are nothing more than a sterilized abonne meeting area along side the European ballet. Males of the aristocracy would solicit select ballerinas with sexual advances in return for funds to afford her ballet costumes, slippers , makeup ; her career. What makes anorexia such a common place norm in ballet is females of the aristocracy are not allowed in the backstage area of the ballet. Conclusively to shield ballerina mistresses from suspect infidelity with married men, her extreme thinness intends to stop her menstrual period and so too any chance of pregnancy. The waif is an invitation of sexual solicitation and harassment left over from European tradition.

Mr Oke is not the only pageant staff to approach contestants with sexual and relationship comments.Donald Trump is the target of many accusations. One, walking into his Miss America Pageant dressing rooms without concern to the contestants' privacy. Contestants were either naked or topless “ theres a man in here”. Again, intelligence lacks see the narcissistic pervert. Tasha Dixon reported that Trump's pageant staff were encouraging the girls to get Trumps attention.An all too common occurrence in fashion modeling photography sessions. Assistants normalize and enable the sexual/erotica/perversion repertoire of their boss while the models protest or question his professionalism. Male and female fashion models are expected to submit to photographers 'to get ahead in the industry”. This is covered in much better details with names named in the External Motivations of Anorexia Nervosa paper.

Dixon presumed Trump stayed in the pageant business because there was no one that could limit or prosecute his behaviours.(Revesz) On separate occasions Trump would approach 10-14year old girls telling them that he would one day be their boyfriend. (Zimmerman) He was so into himself that he wouldn't hesitate to tell the press he would be his then 16yo daughter's boyfriend too.(Winthall) Pageants/ couture designers feel they are the creator spectacle over models instead of aiding them. Mere contestants seem to require their favors and services to groom them and culture them. Toxic persons can't help temptations to elaborate the model's empty stock worth as a marionette puppets to their sexual lusts. What agencies are not coldly brothels exercise a minimizing collection of exercises.. including severe diets just to keep the models loyal and working for pennies. Alexia Palmer, a model from Jamaica sued Donald Trump's model agency for not finding her enough work and being underpaid. She “felt like a slave”. (Mosk et al) Allegedly dignified contests such as those run by Cory Quorino in the Philippines choose a role as what could be described surrogate philanthropy.”Beauty in Giving” The Models advertise charities and get credit for the sums of money they raise.(Alzaga) this is a clear difference between the two realms. Pageants value women as spokespeople while luxury fashion dismisses its models only by its choice not to advance the gender role of the model to be a brand spokesperson. This is partially out of a selfish spotlight hoarding by the head designer taking a lot too much credit in fear of sewing around curves of whatever plus size statures he feels are label relevant. Haute Couture is selfish of its credit toward the feminine by restricting it from the female.

Haute couture designers of the fashion industry don't register that their homosexual male preferences and recontexting 'phemininity' is not healthy for young women to sustain for themselves. Male and female couture models are said to equally oblige an androgynous look. The female is still required to be smaller than the male in order to be a suitable to simulate heterosexual relations in ads. In a true androgynous circumstance the females would be larger and butcher than the males. If Androgyny was truly nonbinary the females would be fortunately advantaged in muscling her earnings from the corrupt agency system overseen by the Council of Fashion Designers of America (Tom Ford ,president) and the New York Department of Labor. An agency system that wont protect the female employee force from norms of the waif and “Parisian Androgyny” is an agency that injures female consumers. Shaping the young female into a mold of frail vulnerability is the industry's asset of exploitation. Their return to tradition and nod to sexual coercion. A girl cant stand up for herself if her unfit legs snap in ankle breaker heels.

And lets not ignore even if Dolce & Gibbon’ah or Chanel could argue elite athletes are just as small as the runway waifs; same body mass index; their perspective is infantile at best. The elite athlete requires an offseason to recover. Athletics is not a form of health even if it provides some measure of ideal vanity. If a female distance runner chooses not to have an offseason, she does so at the expense of her bone density and emotional health. Both influence race day competition. If a ballet dancer chooses to maintain the same size from age 15 to age 27 , she is malnourished. Sport does not recontext the abuses to the body as 'fair'. Elite ballet is not a functional skillset for the real world. Flexibility can have a posterchild like yoga that doesnt require eating disorders for its practice.

Second, the paper mathematical Body Mass Index (BMI) chart comparing only height to weight is not a clinically relevant definition of body mass index or body composition; AT ALL. It should not be used by general physicians to deduce patient health statements. At the very minimum skin fold measurements and hydrostatic weighing are two representative standards of truly investigating what a persons real lean body mass is. New clinical means of deciding body composition also recruit specialized radiology. The only group that can be easily spotted are the underweight. A female underweight for her size has not adequately resistance trained her body for strength. Without strength her bones become weak without enough tension on the tendon insertions. Without enough muscle built (hypertrophy) her metabolism and immune system are damaged. The normalcy of the waif to females (models) is an abuse of their body whether they sign on for it or not. Ergo they are damaging the public to allow diet and sport supplements to broadly advertise the thin look as an all encompassing good thing. Its not. Disinformation hurts a nation. Eventually it leads to unnecessary antidepressant use; a spectacular racket also assaulting the female American public.

The homosexual male designer relies on his photographers to emphasize his clothes. His imprint on the Waif. .. the cult of personality around Dior and Balenciaga is body modifications (ie piercing,tattoos).. not merely shape. Christian Dior started his fashion fame trying to bring back the waspwaist. Body Modification , not merely body sculpting. Body abuse, not merely the pyramid of haves and havenots. Would an industry profiting on the most rare of female body types of its stars be so cruel numerous times to sexually abuse, verbally abuse, minimize, and ignore her safety? They dont care about the models image for she is a product of misery. Very young models of 14-17 are sent over oceans without any chaperones only knowing if they dont oblige the event or photo session they'll have to buy their own ticket home. They'll be stranded. Embassies should know of every contest involving Americans and make themselves available to the industry workers so they know all their rights.)(The contracts are not legit) .

Surprise limo rentals and clerical/courier fees are sprung on her. Services anyone would presume are complementary are actually extra charges and not optional. That alone is grounds to call on state and federal government to investigate the industry. Agency services operate as such: You order a single gift basket from Harry & David . Harry and David take your credit info and data mine your Facebook account and charge you for and send gift baskets to your whole friend list. This is not a Harry and David practice. All I'm saying is Harry and David's product push is unnecessary while ordering. Unlike the seasonal gift firm the fashion agency health negligence against its staff and its financial dealings are criminal and embezzling.

If the model is raped behind the scenes or dies from dieting the public asks the family and industry, why didnt you say anything? If a model is having all her earnings withheld by her agency the public asks “ Why didnt you report it to IRS or US LABOR?” The very short answer is... the fashion and pageant industry attract unsuitable examples of females who choose fame before substance. The temporary state of that transaction seems as cheap and unbecoming as the credit she must lack to stand against them. The short answer is, the pageant and fashion models are not intelligent, know very little about the business or her rights before she arrives to the business and see the pageant or modeling only as a temporary stepping stone. She should always have a lawyer and first read the contract for conflicts with state and federal law. If pageant contestants find themselves in as ruthless a pit as fashion.. they protect the pageant for short term humiliation for long term benefits of advancement. This also means models enable zero-integrity pageants, designers, and agents to prey on new entrants financially and sexually in their silence. But are they smart? Considering the sizable preparation and expense for a pageant contestant to be touring or out of school, the trueyoung intelligencia would be at home studying knowing she was preparing for an academic future rather than get-rich/famous-quick scams that only selectively privilege the obedient marionettes of a pageants/genre's grooming.

I should not be misunderstood that any contestant in a beauty pageant represents the lowest of intelligence in the community. They are not all one demographic. Pageants tend to feature the middle class specimens of a society on the presumption they have some cultural capital appreciation and enough education to be spokespeople of the campaign. The middle class are prone to believe they can become the wealthy class in good circumstances. Being middle class is one most important stigmas the pageant models want to overcome.

What would separate this new model from her old middle-class origin?

Feeling they are respected/ envied.

Are a contribution of upward movement for her family(Alzaga)

“The wife should be both parent and supporter”(Wu)

“Goal Oriented, Independent , Committed to Individualism, Assertive (Larsen)

“(According to Williams) In this way women's bodies stand in for and manage difference in a nonthreatening way”(Crawford)

'(About Texas pageants) Big Hair, flashy jewelry, wry wit, shoulder pads, artificial fingernails, confidence, (Mosel-Talavera)

What I found tying most contestants together is the belief public speaking with poise and confidence (as the pageant trained her) is the equivalent of having intelligence. Its not all bad a belief. People are not good at public speaking. Most could tolerate the tasks of directing their child's birthday party, telling a story at a campfire or summarize a prewritten essay. Public speaking before a live TV audience or academics asking to be impressed by 20-40 minutes of supported keynote address is very difficult. It's objectifying but it's objectifying uniformly. The audience hears the word choices, speaking tone, the speakers body undulations, quirks , the moles his neck or chest hair peaking out of his polo shirt. Do his clothes fit well? does his scalp have a full fill of hair? Did he shave? Did he use teeth whiteners? Are his shoes cool? Do he have bow legs? Is his ass firm while he turns around explains the powerpoint graphic? The objectification of the male body is as unspoken of as the females is abundantly. My explanation for objectification and especially censorship of the breasts sits with the immaturity of male based community standards to still sexualize his relationships through his relationship with his mother. Freud didn’t get it. The Male regards the breasts as a service instrument the same way traditional females are called Betty Homemakers. He hasnt grown up even if there’s too damn many missing dish towels balled up in the house corners .. surprisingly holding their pleats and reeking of salt deposits.

Opponents of pageants believe that females are being sexually objectified by the swimsuit contest or the ball gown event or softball questions like “ Are cats soft? Support your answer with three points. ” I feel objectification happens to everyone especially in cases of academic keynote speaking. Simultaneously, there is nothing perverse about sexual evaluation. All good things face defilement and misuse by bad people. The confidence that pageant contestants correctly identify is that they are not victimized by the circumstances and spheres of objectification because they chose the event. They endured the experience because they were prepared to see and evaluate their attention instead of being blindsided. As for the Miss New York pageant contestant exclamation “ Its all so fulfilling. For the first time people were asking me for my ideas. I liked the attention.” Indeed. The attention included in the pageant entry fee,huh? Perhaps pageant contestants don't connect being in front of crowds as a test and more of a 'gathering for their attention. “Its so Pageanty” N.A.R.C.I.S.S.I.S.T.

Observers of pageants rely on the pageants mission statement to validate a so-called finest mix of brains and beauty. The observers and TV audience are the precultured hinterlands pageants hope to save their contestants from. When very young girls are imprinted with pageant themes, they mistake their own dreams of being a beauty queen as a long term event. Pageants and modeling are not a lifelong career. Strike Two: The intelligencia would be working toward a career directly and not be misdirected by shallow endeavors; especially ones with negative reviews, accusations of sexual harassment, and limitations on her speech.

In my Equal Employment Opportunity correspondence to the US Department of Justice during the Obama administration I addressed the problem in the Fashion industry. No real female could be hired because all woman exercising responsibility for their wellbeing would not diet herself to a size she was last at age 14. What females are hired are vulnerable to victimization because they already cast their lots for fame at any cost. The thinness standards in the fashion industry for international models are not a legitimate middle ground for anyone. Androgyny is not a middle ground between male and female when male can parade it as a fetish while females must oblige an abusive tactic to become perpetually young. Perpetually young is what couture is selling retail patrons. Buy our clothes and you will be young too.. Buy our face cream and you too will be ready for our dress. The face cream doesnt stop the aging nor does models diet to flat concave chests for the 'predeveloped' look suppressing the aging process. She's actually aiding deterioration. Is the fashion model smart? No. She's constructively ignorant to become famous.

My EEOE correspondence also relates to the clamp pageants have on women's behaviors and promotion of their personal beliefs. A Miss Michigan candidate was stripped of her title for defending then Vice President Mike Pence on Twitter. A tweet consisting of “ STOP KILLING BLACK PEOPLE!!!” directed at the Vice President caused Kathy Zhu to respond in kind “Did you know the majority of black deaths are caused by other blacks? Fix problems within your own community first before blaming others”.(McClaughlin) If this is a cause to dethrone a current pageant winner then the Miss Michigan pageant should probably spend more time in the interview section vetting the political biases and outburst potential of their contestants. Even if Zhu had promoted disinformation, it would be her lack of composure/delivery that made the tweets sub-beautyqueen-standard. “Dear Sir.Madam, The seriousness and sorrow for Black people's losses also must face their own in-race exploitations among many types of daily criminal victimization. I'd like to talk with you more about it. Sincerely Kathy Zhu. ,Miss Michigan. Tra la la deedah.” There's a difference in delivery here.

Zhu is not the first pageant winner to be stripped of her title and probably not the last. Vanessa Williams was crowned Miss America in 1994. Her title was removed when it was found the African American singer had nude unauthorized photos of her sent to and purchased by Penthouse magazine. The title was given to Miss New Jersey. A scandal like this in the pageant business is unsurprising. Allegations of sexually exploitive photography surround Terry Richardson. The fashion industry claimed Richardson was just being a scapegoat. If he is, that means of rigging pageants are as simple as which photographer the pageant staff send each contestant. The also-rans get sent to the molester so he can create a pool of unfit evidence for the smut mags or tabloids.

Compensatory beliefs motivate some contestants to enter pageants. One respondent said her interest in pageants is she was mocked by her family. She was treated as though not beautiful enough and instead nurtured to be a geek. She was sent to quiz bees instead of pageants(Alzaga) For youth attention has a quicker reward than good grades or college acceptance by her 4th-9th grade peers. Out of frustration she sought out pageants because their marketing supported her affirmations she was as beautiful as she was smart.

A detriMENTAL circumstance when the overly smart become attracted to pageants is they can be excessively competitive to destructive ends. Said destructive ends come of any competition being about narcissism which is not always 'nerds' strong suit in displaying, controlling or suppressing. This could well explain archetypes like the “librarian nymphomaniac.”

“Miss American represents the highest ideals. She is a real combination of beauty, grace, and intelligence, artistic, and refined. She is a type which the American Girl might well emulate”. (Larsen)

In the fashion world, the overly competitive female will choose to race to be the thinnest girl available for ad shoots. “Even if it kills her'. It will. So far its the model forced to take blame for her voluntary choice to be thin. But is it actually voluntary? No. The fashion industry welcomes the girl in the door, starves her down to size to get working (she is the industry while conforming to the industry) and then she is stolen from while in a dizzy state of malnourishment and physical fatigue. Fatigue: 16-20 hour work days without food/breaks so the photographers can snort oodles of cocaine, have a scone and yell at them “ You're not giving me enough!!”. In a month or so , the model is working on 15% of her real earnings holed up in a crusty apartment with either 10 more models or the agent himself as his live-in burlesque show; at best. At worst she might die of starvation a day before or after Elite Models Gerard Marie rapes a live in model next to his own sleeping daughter. And she might not even have the strength to report it let alone fight it off.

Is the pageant model smart? There's no sure answer but she is an opportunist. She an opportunist invited to a cultural framework where she is near or distant to the pageant industry's Caucasian tradition and norms. “I think this is a problem within European society because to make themselves fit, thin, and lean they take lots of medicine and so on which really does no good to the body. “ Said a Nepali resident of Kathmandu. (Crawford) . So without being Secretary of Health and Human Services Azar or US Labor secretary, or a George Washington University Professor in Public Health like David Michaels or a New York State Commissioner of Labor.. a Nepali adult living in a part of the world regarded “backward” finding transparent clothing hard to digest for ad consumption still identified drug related crash dieting and Western themes of thinness unhealthy.

Former US LABOR OIG legal counsel Howard Shapiro could not. He would not adopt the Body Mass Index as a health standard from the CDC/HHS because the 1970s document founding OSHA and NIOSH made no mention of regulation of industry by Body Mass Index. In fact the goal of OSHA is to accept and enforce all and any health standards arising from NIOSH and HHS so that the industry is made safe for all Americans of any status of employment. In the market today Americans are concealed from safety behind walls of contracts (or as nonemployee contractors) instead of employees. Employees privatized and subjected to informal harassment, threat, assault, exploitation and intimidation. This situation is illegal. Americans in any form of employment must be protected from illegal and unhealthy work environments. Former OSHA director Edwin Foulk Jr believed I should be calling the Council of Fashion Designers of America... as if I hadn't considered their lack of regulation wasn't a fit enough reason to ask them to start now. I called the government and the US government protected the ongoing abuse of women under George W Bush.

Another respondent from Nepal is quoted “ To get a good figure [some teenagers] go for starvation, thats anorexia as far as I know. I dont think it should be really promoted actually, yeah. Um if they want a good figure, they should really work hard, they could exercise instead of starving themselves. (Crawford) This Nepali has noticed that the sense of beauty is absent in the results of starvation and when people exercise and develop muscle tone with a healthy relationship with food; they look better. Amazing. So far Nepali peasants have more credible public health policy than the past three US Presidential Administrations, including Obama.

Locals observed the effects of the Kathmandu beauty pageant event in girls from 10-12. Suddenly they were very obsessed with their appearance. In other research about Pageants events in Chinatown, San Francisco and among Latin Americans came to identify some polarizing differences. Larsen raised an observation in the first thirty-five years of Miss America pageants nonwhites were banned from participating. “Latina characters in television and movies are lusty and hot-tempered objects of desire.” In this frame the pageant wants to downplay sexuality as a component of beauty.

“dressmakers modified the design of the Cheong-sam to emphasize the cleavage area, creating the “poured-in look” so high desired. Furthermore, the slit up the side of the dress was increased “to endow the basically simple Cheong-sam with a touch of intrigue..., a tantalizing suggestion about the beauty of its wearer. (Wu) The Chinese American researcher felt that beauty and sexuality are entwined correctly in race -tradition contexts. It seems objectified as the west's definition of beauty invaded the Chinese culture's traditional dress. In my valuation the Latina represents the intimidating female forceful of her will. She's obedience to misogyny. The Chinese female is profiled in western terms no greater than Vietnamese village teens/ preteens some of the US military took indulgence in raping between 1955 and 1975.

Cynthia Gouw investigated the pageant field with the intent to deconstruct and criticize it from a Leftist Feminist Viewpoint. ( Wu) Having entered the pageant as a contestant she remarked “I didnt feel exploited at all. I want to show people I can be very articulate and assertive as opposed to a stereotypical beauty pageant winner.. What I want to represent to the Asian population is that I am very concerned about the community. “One benefit pageant contestants have in events distant from western norms is they are protected by their community's unique priorities and cultural norms. Pageants in Nigeria had abusive staff that heavily enforced classism. If a contestant wasn't walking with the elegance per his commands they would accuse contestants of being mere “market women”. The Queen Nigeria pageant didn’t want their female contestants at all comparable to market women, a slur for rural laborers having stereotypes as 'rough and brash”. (Balogun)

I took a moment to type in “brash” to the Google search engine to see what definition it would offer.

Brash

self-assertive in a rude, noisy, or overbearing way.

“he could be brash, cocky and arrogant”,

Strange, the pageant believes it is helping young Nigerian girls to be empowered but suppressing and denouncing parts of the Nigerian culture that are already assertive. In the west we tend to understand this brash concept as 'a ratchet bitch” of low class. In the pageant's sense of empowerment , the female is empowered to simply be a better mate but kept from being so confident and wordsmithed that she could tell off a guy in terms on an even turf of vulgarity, insult, belittling, aggression and verbal abuse.

Chaperones affiliated to the Queen Nigeria pageant remarked of contestants”Each year she comes back cleaner and cleaner”. The comment was investigated for its inner meaning. “ Each time (contestant) returns to audition her skin looks fairer” and was to mean a physical change in the condition of the contestants skin from makeup treatments. (Balogun) Balogun found other research suggesting that this skin change was also a lightening to improve chances of upward mobility. I reference this quote especially because it is an absolute parallel to the arrogance haute couture designers and runway specialized model agencies have in objectifying their models as a property of creation rather than the individual within of blood, bone, estrogen and diet coke. Maybe the fashion model has never been an individual and why all the reason more she chases having a meaningful identity. She takes the pageants brand, is milked for her camera appeal, moos a few times for the question/answer bit and heads off to slaughter as an aged and spent heifer short of the aristocrats desires. The fashion industry has value because it attracted contestants in magazines and television to make it a goal in their lives; A superfluous goal too often.

The female icons in magazines like Vogue must then be empowering too. Said of a magazine with Emma Watson on the cover:”Like in Neon you have some inspiring series . But when I look through women's magazines I dont have a role model for my life (Informant A). (Put) Ellen Put's research on womens magazines revealed some other criticisms about the periodicals. Informants regarded them “flat and uninspiring”, “it was bullshit”, “it was boring when they say this is all about makeup and what to buy..”, “sometimes I read it just for fun just wondering what they are saying”, “Men are always dark, taller, though” . Ellen Put's article revealing these views was titled “ They Think We're Stupid”. We can dovetail the pageant social effects on Nepali teens, the magazine reactions, the whitening and sterilizing of the ethnicity from Ethnic specific beauty pageants and reveal a tame appealing factory of creating the ideal woman out of real women's dreams and then normalizing the ideal woman as a public health nightmare. By creating an international norm among pageants and modeling, the luxury market announces it is deaf to the anthropological heritage, biome, diet and geography that appreciates and carved out natural beauty of each continent's peoples and subgroups. There is no similar basis of lifestyle to normalize a common shape. Ever. The commonality is as the pageants product of “Female in a Can” nested on shelf among all other pageant's new talent.

What can be shown here is if the ideal female of poise and elegant, confident public address can also be trained to be shallow then she will be an ideal elite mate to be whisked away by a dominating male , possibly of a dark complexion. What could a dark complexion signal if the ideals of beauty are Caucasian-Western centric? Perhaps the fashion media have found a new way to wear Black face. I'd say they signal to ladies their obligation to the marketed Caucasian gender role rewards them with an ideal males lust and African Americans large..Luh-arge penis stereotypes. A proper pageant contestant, such as those in Nigeria, and frequenters of upperclass cultural norms are required to retire secondhand and counterfeit clothing/accessories that flood the market. Only authentic (Nigerian) couture is allowed while they are representing the pageant as winner or groomed contestant. (Balogun)

Winners of the Nepal Pageant were not allowed to marry for one year , the year representing the pageant in Miss World and at events ( Alzaga). For a pageant that allegedly“empowers women”, taking away her right to relationship seems a premium failure in respect of their freedom. (Crawford) A premium failure by contestants to oblige as well. Standards in Texas pageants also had stipulations against marriages, against having children, tolerance for annulments and further expectation that the contestants would be in high school.(Mosel-Talavera) Not all requirements related to the same pageant.

One author was also a Texas ex pageant model. She recounted her experience,.

“I am standing on stage in my highschool auditorium wearing the most expensive dress I have ever bought from Foleys, waiting for the announcer to call my name. Everyone told me I was a shoo-in to win the title. I was not even nervous as she called out the runners-up, still thinking my name would be next. “ And the winner is … What? Not Me?” Texas is also known for its biased education dept materials, being an origin of many christianity inspired sex cults and race supremacist camps. For a female to believe her high school preparation is the best source for speaking in any form to the intelligence of all women, especially here, is bald faced mockery.

A highschooler of a single mother saw pageants as a means to get money for college. Through her experience contacting attorneys and other professionals for sponsorships, building a website, and being visible to the public she was contacted by teachers to speak to their classes about her experience. “Emma” as the article infers her name.. said

“ Now I work for two different attorneys. I didn’t expect that you know. All kinds of things people messaged me about my platform and how they feel about my on-stage question, my website got a lot of people to notice it. So, I had teachers that went and saw my website and messaged me about coming and speaking to their classes and like I wish I knew all this stuff going into it. It was like I really set a foundation for myself for next year I think. It’s pretty cool. And I know that sounds cheesy or cliché but

it is honestly the truth and basically pushing myself because once I found

myself around other females who were just as ambitious as I was or as I am.” (Bowers)

The concept these females are experiencing is known as habitus. By meeting other contestants who have found meaning in pageants they too have a common vocabulary and ladder of goals neatly set before them. For women who feel baffled and smothered under the weight and anxiety of being objectified, pageants do have experiential benefits along with the potential among bad actors to be experientially sexually assaulted. That a female knows and can identify a ladder of goals may be a model of education that can be implemented elsewhere and more productively. If pageants have a credible impact on a females life, that impact is offset so severely with removing ethnic markings and norms. The pageants really just brand their contestants for events further up the hierarchy like Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss Infinity and beyond.

What I've concluded from these readings is that pageants reward the Grant Cardone proverb “ Best Known Beats Best”. A former pageant contestant working for an attorney makes the legal field seem beautiful. Wealth and fame is not just wealth , its vanity. If the lifestyles of the wealthy were papered over with ugly people, nobody would want it. Why is a good speaking 'broad' an appealing take for the Hollywood and Vegas bruno's? They need a good girl who'll manage a maid to clean the house good, sound intelligent in public, have some loyalty to criminal organizations, and announce her husbands name for all sorts of functions, awards and novelties her pride can glow alongside. Meanwhile the crowd can either respect her poise or be among the low classes remaining low class regarding the guest of honor's subtle associate. ' yeah , I'm banging her”. Perhaps its more the audience needing poise. Donald Trumps association with First Lady Melania spoke clearly of his personal codependence on her first as a White House nude centerfold. How pageants are accepted in a community is an age, state , local and national chaos of sexual maturity imbalances and education gaps.

On another angle I have captured the subtext of the pageants brand. Pageants are a measure of the females acquisition of themes from the community that are specifically dedicated to making her a good mother. “Critics from the political right, on the other hand, tend to focus on what they view as a loss of women’s purity, submissiveness, and modesty, virtues identified with nationalistic representations of ‘traditional’ cultures”(Crawford) The conservatives have made a complaint about their own side far behind the lines of rhetoric. The female is still submissive with shallow appreciations of her luxury stake. She is surely kept modest with abusive manners training and remaining under the thumb of pageant officials or talent agents for the remainder of her career. The rhetoric doesn't match the reality. Conservatives conceal that norms of oppression are not absent from the gender roles of rich couples either For each class a different type of submissive female for tradition.

Pageant and fashion event locations are hand in hand with the promotion of luxury and recreational items like sports cars, wine, cigars, yachts, boxing/mma fights, These items are considered to have high cultural capital relative to the western world. Wealth is often presumed to have high cultural capital.. Wealth is also presumed to have privileges.. like raping a girl and then threatening to humiliate her with a tabloid smear and a legal battle she couldn’t afford. Ask NFL lawyers what services their players require when police reports surface. Wealth has such cultural capital that the justice system allows criminals out of lockup based on their word to return to trial. The pageant is an advertisement of women inviting them to feel impressed by their changes when the most extensive modifications are still very above her awareness.

The only advantage a female has from the pageant developed microphone skill is to be free to say whatever wise viewpoint elevates her credibility and by whatever lengths she finds necessary to bring down anyone else.. Her voice of empowerment must be on her own terms and not under anyone elses by contract, marriage prenup or otherwise. Well, as long as she's making good decisions and prioritizing the public health ahead of her own vanity and fame. If she chooses to trade even the smallest of her rights of federally guaranteed self protection and safety then she has traded the entirety of her dignity and her own respect of being a female.

Citations

Alzaga R J B (2015. June) The Lucky One: A Constructivist Study on Pageant Women's Conceptualization of Empowerment. University of Philippines Manila.

Balogun O M Gender & SOCIETY, Vol. 26 No. 3, June 2012 357-381

Bowers E(2016) Social Stereotyping and Self-Esteem of Miss America Pageant Contestants. Walden University. Thesis

Crawford M, Khati D, Regmi A (2008.Feb)Globalizing Beauty:Attitudes Toward Beauty Pageants Among Nepali Women. Feminism & Psychology.xx

Fredrickson, B.L., Roberts, T. (1997). Objectification Theory. Psychology of Women Quarterly.,

U.S.A.

Larsen D (2011-2012.Winter Spring) Miss America Beauty Pageant. pg31-33

Concientización: A Journal of Chicano & Latino Experience and Thought Vol 7 (1 & 2)

Matthews, Brook. (2003). Miss America Contestants and the Self: Evidence for Empowerment. Ronai,

C.R., Zsembik, B., Feagin, J. (1997) Everyday Sexism in the Third Millenium.

Routledge, U.S.A

McLaughlin EC (2019.Jul 22) Ex-Miss Michigan says pageant dethroned her for conservative views.CNN

Mosel-Talavera KM(2006)Growing Up Female In Texas:The Importance of Beauty Pageants In Texas Communities.A Woman's Touch Folklore Kenneth L Untiedt. University of North Texas Press

Mosk M, Ross B, Kreider R(2016.Mar 10)Trump Model: Felt Like 'Slave' Working for Donald's Agency.

ABC News

https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-model-felt-slave-working-donalds-agency/story?id=37313993

Put E(2017)”They Think We're Stupid”. Jonkoping University.Thesis

Revesz R(2016.Oct12)Donald Trump boasted about meeting semi-naked teenagers in beauty pageants.IndependentUK,https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/donald-trump-former-miss-arizona-tasha-dixon-naked-undressed-backstage-howard-stern-a7357866.html

Tonn M B(2003)Miss America Contesters and Contestants: Discourse About Social “Also-Rans”Rhetoric & Public Affairs6, no. 1 (2003): 150-60. doi:10.1353/rap.2003.0037.

Withnall A(2016.Oct 10)Donald Trump's unsettling record of comments about his daughter Ivanka.IndependentUK

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-ivanka-trump-creepiest-most-unsettling-comments-roundup-a7353876.html

Wu J T-C (1997.Autumn) "Loveliest Daughter of Our Ancient Cathay!": Representations of Ethnic and Gender Identity in the Miss Chinatown U.S.A. Beauty Pageant. Journal of Social History, Vol. 31, No. 1, , pp. 5-31

Zimmerman N (2016.Oct 13) Trump told 14-year-old girl he'd be dating her soon. The Hill. https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/300928-trump-told-14-year-old-girl-hell-be-dating-her-soon

#genderstudies #slavery #sexism #wage gap #Feminism #news #us labor department #hhs #complicity to market sexism

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alexisluthor · 4 years

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Deep Dive - Stranger Beside You *WARNING* PSON SPOILERS

Where to start with this ep? Well, much to the surprise of no one at all, Eve turned out to be related to the girl in the box! I think the real twist was how the show handled her morally ambiguous actions. Malcolm manages to keep a (relatively) cool head after finding out what Eve had been hiding. He doesn't fall apart at the seams, I believe, because he saw it coming... he was already preparing for the worst. And I think the audience can't help but sympathize with Eve. From how things played out, it seems like she never intentionally set out to hurt Malcolm. Which is great but...she still...did hurt him.

Putting that aside, there is a bit of contradiction in her words and actions. She had done everything that she did in order to find out the truth about her sister, then later, in Malcolm's loft...says she doesn't want the truth just because she developed feelings for him? That seems a bit weak. If something happened to my sister, I'd turn the world upside down to find out what happened, no matter how in love/lust I was with my romantic partner. To step right up to the finish line and hesitate like that was...in my view...bizarre. I mean, how long has Malcolm been in her life? Not nearly long enough for her to sacrifice the truth for him. For good measure, they also threw in the...but knowing will make it real... BUT GIRL...you only got close to the Whitly's in the first place because you WANTED to know. Also...how did she narrow it down to the Surgeon? Do you know how many homicides there were in NYC in the 90s/00s? But apparently she just made an educated guess that it was him? Okay...I'll take it.

I wonder how old TGITB was when she was killed. She ran away at 16, but kept sending photos and letters...but for how long? Sure, taking TGITB was the 'perfect' opportunity for Martin - the situation fell into his lap. But selecting a victim so haphazardly seems to buck against Martin's intelligence. As a surgeon with a modicum of common sense, you'd think he'd do research, find the right person, make sure they didn't have family, etc. She didn't have family, but he didn't know that. And who knows how many people could have witnessed him helping her back to his house in broad daylight. It's just...not smart of him at all. He did mention to Mal in one of their little sessions (when Mal was in college) that he did improvise. But there's a difference between improvising and being reckless, which is what this instance seems like. I digress though.

Anyway...moving on...Malcolm's little dinner with dad was interesting. I think it shows just how much Martin compartmentalizes. In his mind, he was a great father, he 'just happened' to live a double life. Later, when Malcolm is confronting "da bad guy" he reaches into his own bag of past experience to tell the guy that he'd been hurt, and made to think that was love, when in actuality, it was abuse. I think this was meant to echo Malcolm's own experiences, especially about the bit about being 'powerless.' Malcolm is powerless at times, and certainly was as a child. But up until TGITB, his father had been a great example of a loving parent. Which is where the cognitive dissonance comes into play for Malcolm. He really is torn asunder by the fact that he did have an attentive and loving father...up until TGITB and the chloroforming, etc.

I've read a lot of people's opinions on Martin, seen their hatred for him. But I believe that Martin chloroformed Malcolm so many times, to avoid killing him. I think he was biding his time, hoping to return to whatever his sense of normalcy was. I don't think Martin ever intended to kill Malcolm (he just told him that to get him to stab him, and John likely planted that seed due to his jealousy of not being the 'chosen' murder protege). Let's face it, if Martin (a -what- 190lb something, grown man, serial killer) wanted (tiny) Malcolm dead, he could have killed him immediately after his discovery of TGITB. I think Martin's logic was..."I don't really want to kill my son. Let's see if he has the sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies like I do, Mayb I can get him interested in muuuuurrrrdeeeer." And when that went south, Martin's gig was up. But if you watch these ep's closely, you can see that even though Martin is a conniving, manipulative, sociopath...the only thing he truly seems to care about is Malcolm. What do narcissists love more than anything? Themselves! And what is Malcolm to Martin if not the embodiment of his legacy? He, like so many parents, looks at his offspring and sees an extension of himself.

Anywho... Malcolm finds out the reason his 'lies' were so successful, was because they weren't 'lies' to Martin, but the 'truth.' Fascinating. How has no one written a book about The Surgeon? *whispers, that could be a story line for the future* *coughs*

The dinner scene was great. It was also great that Martin could deduce Malcolm was dating simply from hearing "dinners and plays" over the phone. He seems preternaturally invested in Malcolm's personal life. Malcolm is his only real lifeline and relationship. So how will he react to the fact that not only is Malcolm's girlfriend related to TGITB but that even after 'using' Malcolm and Jess in a way...that he's choosing to remain with her? OUCH. I think that was a twist not a lot of people expected. But the odds of that relationship working out has to be slim to none.

I mean...what do you tell the kids (not that Malcolm wants to have any)? "Oh, yes...well...your grandpa murdered your aunt. Then mommy got close to the murderer's ex-wife and son and fell in love with the son - daddy. And here you are! Oh, and our relationship was founded on a bed of lies and pain, loss and suffering. I got to bitch slap murdering gramps one day, so that was therapeutic." I mean............could that really work out? o_0 Also...what if Eve does want kids, and Mal doesn't? Or what if she decides that she wants a relationship that isn't a painful daily reminder of her trauma? There could be some serious roadblocks ahead. (And taking her to meet Martin...ooof...is that the smartest move? What do you think? I can see Martin just completely losing it in a fit of rage. (Also, Martin clearly ships Dani/Malcolm as well...soo...eeee))

Aaaannnnd of course, there's wonderful Malcolm...my sweet...sweet...idiotic genius who decided to leave a crowded space in favor of a horror-movie-setting, rug warehouse upstairs? Sweetie...no. You need to make better choices.

Overall... Dani not wanting to run the background check and get involved in the Mal/Eve drama - great move. JT ribbing Malcolm about screwing up his kid - quality content. Edrisa's hand on Mal for too long, drawing the attention of Arroyo - perfection. Edrisa dramatically tackling Malcolm - chef's kiss. Malcolm getting beaten up and choked - the fuel for many people's future fanfic's I'm sure. Malcolm not having had a therapy sesh in, what feels like, forever - probably not smart (but boy's busy). All in all, a great episode. And I suppose Ainsley won that little..."who's the better investigator" contest after-all ;)

#prodigal son #prodigal son spoilers #pson #pson spoilers #analysis #episode analysis #martin whitly #malcolm bright #gil arroyo #dani powell #jt tarmel #edrisa tanaka #prodigal son analysis #long post

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thisiswhereibloom · 4 years

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Today Is My Liberation

As our first year wedding anniversary creeps its head around the night, I can’t help it but wonder why? - Why did things have to take such a turn? Why couldn't we work out the differences? When did you start seeing me with that black lens that turned every single one of my actions into something you hate? - Why did I become this “miserable piece of shit ball of depression” to you? - When did I become disposable to you?

It has taken countless of psychologist hours, self-analysis, mentoring support, reading and learning about the subject to accept that regardless of what I did, would have or could have ever done, the outcome was always going to be the same. It would’ve always been ME. - Today, 12 July 2020, a day before what was supposed to be our first year wedding anniversary, I sit in front of my new home-office desk and start to accept that it wasn’t me, it was NOT me. I am not broken! Despite your and your family’s attempt to convince me that there was something wrong with me because I missed home, the home I left behind to come to the other side of world and build a family with you; or because I cried when you showered me in insults, as your sister said: “you shouldn't be affected the way you are by the words he calls you. They are jokes”; or because a car didn't provide me with the emotional and human affection I was in such a deep need of and in an attempt to ask for help I made a public comment instead of “brushing things under the carpet” as your dad said I should do. Despite the countless times I was called selfish, psychotic, miserable, a disgrace, ball of depression, monster, cunt. Despite your attempt to convince me to go on meds, as in your eyes it was the only way I could be “normal”. Despite the threats to leave me alone in this country I had yet to know and the times you packed up a bag and walked out disappearing for hours only to come back home and force me to apologize for your version of reality. Despite the way you painted me out to be God knows what to everyone in this country because as you told me multiple times, I am the new one here and everyone who knows you so whatever I say, no one would ever believe me. Despite my 4 unsuccessful attempts to reach out and ask for help from 4 of your friend’s partners as they all ignored me. Today, I stand up strong with my head held high as fuck and am proud to say that I am Domestic Violence Survivor. I escaped the cycle of violence from a narcissistic abuser with an incredible group of flying monkeys who not only enabled his behavior but were experts in the game.

If you care to know, I am not mad at you. I feel sorry for the person I got to know these past year and the person that will continue to evolve and possibly only improve the manipulation tactics I was blinded to. I feel sorry for the possible future victims and pray that life has provided them such a strong foundation like mine, to help them get out of the cycle sooner than later. Although, you did not get a criminal conviction as you played it safe as expected, working out for both of our advantages. I am satisfied knowing that you won't be able to lure another girl overseas and bring her to an unknown country to dispatch her as she no longer serves your needs.

However, I am upset at the flying monkeys that not only enabled your destructive behavior towards me, but played your game by joining into the shaming of my emotions and shutting down my cries of help by diminishing and disregarding the pain I was living in. I was once again, by the other 3 people who were supposed to be the closest to me in my new home, told I was broken.

When I asked for space to clear my head, to swim to the surface and catch my breath, I was told I could not be left alone as I was “too emotional”. But how could I not be when I found myself sitting at a round table with you and your 3 flying monkeys telling me I was broken. Telling me to brush off your insults under the carpet, that it was not OK for me to be sad because you never kissed or hug me, or because you called me a disgrace, a monster, a selfish bitch, you told me I ruined your life and that you wished you could ship me back. It was then, I knew I had to join your game while I got ready to leave. So I did.

You know, the last 2 months I saw you is when you were the calmer and “best” version of yourself. It was not because I wasn't emotional or psychotic. Instead, it was because outside our little love nest of hell, I was building my support system, I was being prepared by a professional, I was building escape routes, all while smiling and keeping the tears away from you. I was accepting your commands while staying within my new boundaries. I know you saw me slipping away though. Your second last attempt was the same as always, to buy me with a trip. You tried rushing into a vacation within weeks when we were not even living together. Then, you put on your show by coming back just for my birthday and making me pay for the brunch you took me to because “it’s all our money” but it never was, you asked me to leave my job. Yeah, for the second time in 10 months you asked me to leave my job as you would take care of us. But the truth is, you never gave a single cent. In fact, I had to become strict to obtain financial help from you as the fancy place you decided to live in was being all paid by me with the excuse that you were paying off “our properties”. Little do your people know that, right? - They all thought I was a gold digger. When you bought “me” the car you couldn't afford, just to show off and fought with me to post the beautiful video your sister recorded as I saw the car. Then you complained about me not being surprised enough for it and how I was selfish because of the same. Well, I was not surprised because I already knew you bought it. And I was not ecstatic about it because you did it in a desperate attempt to buy me and keep me by your side after I said you’re losing with all the insults and abuse. You became desperate as I became wiser. I started to predict your next move and by the time you exploded, I was ready to fly and never look back.

You know, all the weakness you saw and fed me is slowly turning into this unstoppable stream of self-empowerment. I am not going to lie, it has been tough, more than anyone who has not lived through it could imagine. In a way, I guess you would say you won because I started taking medication. I did it about 2-3 weeks before our final separation because getting ready for it in silence was eating me alive and causing unstoppable anxiety attacks. Remember how I can’t ever throw up? - Well I was throwing up every day multiple times at work. So by the time it was time to fly, the pills had started kicking in giving a little boost to get the fuck out. So I did!

Today, 4 months since our separation I am starting to see all the pieces of the girl I was, coming back together. I am letting the anger go little by little, I am loving myself again, I am loving life and smiling at strangers down the street again. Who knows, I may be healing enough to open up to love again. Yeah, you heard it right. While you ditched your broken trophy wife aside, there was a line of real men wanting to jump in and hold my hand. Even though one of your last words were, “you’re dying alone” because you tried convincing me that no one would ever want to be with me. Well no, as soon as you let me go my eyes started to shine again, my smile became real and it felt like I was floating in this magical world. I was free. This is your opportunity to judge, so go ahead. Tell people I cheated, since I probably am. You know, since we’re still legally married, although we never really were. But as he says, you were never ready to have a strong woman like me by your side. You needed a follower and submissive person that is OK with you feeding your ego with her soul.

Today is not our wedding anniversary, today is my liberation.

Today I acknowledge I am in deep pain, I have open wounds that will take years to heal and that I will carry with me beautiful scars from the battle you and I fought. Today I proudly acknowledge that I am an Emotional, Mental, Physical and Narcissistic Abuse Survivor. I acknowledge that abuse does not discriminate against race, social or economical boundaries.

Today I can say I accept that you weren’t ready for marriage. I accept that you, just as most people, have underlying issues that need to be worked out before you are ready to give yourself as a supporting husband or even partner to someone else. I also accept that maybe you will never accept that is the case as under your eyes, it would destroy your ego. Today I accept that blood is in fact thicker than water, and that your family had a duty to provide you their unconditional support. Although I accept all these, I am also aware that the damage was not only caused by you, but also by your flying monkeys as they supported and joined in your game.

Today I understand I was brought through this path in my life for a reason bigger than me. That although I don't fully understand what my duty will be, I know there is something waiting ahead that requires me to have experienced what I did with you. I understand that life and God have their ways of testing us, and that even though this past year may seem like hell, I will at some point look back proudly and see how much I have grown and overcome.

Today I decide to let myself free from you.

To be continued…

#NarcissisticAbuse #DVAwareness

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jackiesieks · 5 years

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Psychological Break Down of Dutch van der Linde

First of all, allow me to say this post will contain spoilers for Red Dead Redemption I, and Red Dead redemption II. If you have not played either, or wish to avoid spoilers, please stop reading. Just in case as well, I'm going to add a content warning for mentions of abuse, mental illness, and trauma.

Second, I would like to state that from a psychological perspective, Red Dead Redemption II is truly fascinating. Not just graphically, or musically. It is a game that has, in my opinion, remastered the art of story telling. The slower pace allows time for viewers to stop, reflect, think, rather than being hustled from story line to story line. Players can absorb the events of the game with in depth immersion, losing themselves for hours in an open world platform.

This game is a psychological goldmine.

As Arthur, you roam the open world. You can lay out under the stars, cook food around a campfire, listen to the sounds of nature. It is quiet. It is free. Most importantly, it puts you in the position to understand why they member of the gang fights so hard to maintain this freedom. The city of Saint Denis is loud, the air filled with toxic fumes of the factories. Rhodes is so torn apart by its own politics, it is stuck in a perpetual war with itself. The "great" civilization everyone seems to desire is filthy, corrupt, and the van der Linde gang wants no part of it.

However, for this installment, I'd like to focus on Dutch van der Linde, the charismatic leader of the van der Linde gang. While he did many wrong things, I do not believe he is a bad guy, or even a villain. I would, however, like to present to the table the theory that he is mentally ill.

Dutch shows classic signs of a person who experienced childhood trauma, even abuse. We know he lost his father in the Civil War, an event that never truly left him. An argument could be made that he suffered from survivor's guilt, possibly even post traumatic stress disorder. Recall, these things didn't have names at the time. There was no therapist, no medication, and untreated mental illnesses can get worse. We know he didn't see eye to eye with his mother, but we don't exactly know what that entails. Men really couldn't talk about abuse, trauma, or any such things at the time because that meant they were weak. Dutch van der Linde is many things, but weak he'll never be. We have to look at his actions, his reactions, to really understand him as a character.

Dutch has two personalities. One is Dutch van der Linde, the leader, the showman. He is the conductor, the gang members are his instruments. All eyes are upon him. He surrounds himself in luxury because he dreams of a better life than the one he's been given, yes, but because he's also leading by example. In various conversations in camp, he comments that he raised Arthur to be a proper gentlemen. That is what Dutch wants, to be seen as a proper gentlemen. He has a very nice horse, a very nice tent. This has never been uncommon. On pirate ships, the Captain has the best quarters. In war, the leaders have the better tents/rations/things. So we cannot use his luxury as the sole definition of his personality. We don't know what was stolen, or if he used camp money to acquire these things.

I don't believe he is narcissistic. He doubts himself far too much to be a narcissist. This can be heard during quiet conversations, when he removes the showman's act and becomes just Dutch. He doubts himself, his choices, his actions, and the best course forward.

During my second play through I spent way more time in camp just listening and watching. If you haven't done this, I highly recommend doing so. One peculiar instance really stuck out. I followed Dutch around. He would leave his tent, talk to everyone, give encouraging words, before returning to his tent to read or write. After the Pinkertons show up and tell Arthur they only want Dutch, we see a sudden shift. He leaves the tent and stands at the edge of the cliff, and remains there for over twelve hours. (Results may very). This is the only time I've seen any member of the gang remain still (unless they had a mission). All night, into the next day, he stands at the edge of the cliff. When Arthur speaks to him, his answers are almost angry or perturbed. For the next three game days, his answers to the exact same dialogue prompts seen hopeless, forlorn.

Then, suddenly, it shifts again. He's back to walking around, talking to people. His answers sound confident again. I thought, perhaps, I'd reached the end of the animation cycle until I realized Molly was suddenly unhappy when she'd been fine before. At various moments Dutch claims he can't get a moment's peace.

We do see moments where Dutch accuses Arthur early on about doubting him, and while it could be seen as a manipulative tactic, I think it's more along the lines of he is doubting himself, and assumes Arthur does as well. He trusts Arthur, Hosea, and John too much. The idea of them doubting him plays hard on his insecurities. I honestly believe Dutch suffers from a mild form of psychosis.

We see an even bigger shift in his personality after he cracks his head in Saint Denis. Some interesting facts about brain injuries.

A man working on the railroad had a rail shoot through his brain. He managed to live, much to the surprise of everyone, but his entire personality changed. This incident helped give birth to neuroscience.

A man suffering from depression decided to end his life. He shot himself, and managed to live. He destroyed part of his brain, but it happened to be part of his brain where his depression came from (disclaimer: do not attempt)

Stroke patients often undergo a radical shift in personality depending on which section of the brain that was damaged.

We see clear evidence of the radical personality shift. If Dutch had an unknown mental disorder, a traumatic brain injury could very well have made it worse. So, you have the perfect formula for a mental breakdown, or a psychotic episode.

Childhood trauma

Worsening mental illness

High stress

Traumatic brain injury

Even in his worst moments we see little signs of lucidity that quickly become buried under the avalanche of mental mess ups.

Many argue that Dutch is bad, he's a villain. I completely disagree, and present to you this evidence to support my claims. The following contains strong SPOILERS for RDR2 and RDR1.

Sadie and John seek out Micah, and get surprised by Dutch's presence. Sadie probably became a bounty hunter shortly after Arthur's passing, and we know it took her years to track down Micah. That's with connections, working with the government, etc. Dutch lost everyone, so it probably took him years to track down Micah as well.

Given how he obsesses, we can assume he obsessively searched for him, tricking him to get closer to him and get his Blackwater money back. But if Dutch was a bad guy, truly, why didn't he shoot John?

Micah had Sadie, she was injured, couldn't fight back. Dutch could have easily taken him out right there. Instead, he shoots Micah, and leaves the money behind without a word.

We all know what happens when Dutch walks away. Something, or someone, dies. Obviously there is a lot we could break down from that lone interaction, but let's step forward.

In rdr1, John's family is taken hostage, and the only way he can see them again is to hunt down and kill the last of his gang. John doesn't want to, he wants to live out his life as a rancher. But his hand is forced, and he must now resume the life he swore he'd leave behind.

The first time John and Dutch see each other again, Dutch asks about his family. John responds he hadn't seen them in a while. We know Dutch is smart. John suddenly surrounded by lawmen trying to find him, he knows John doesn't want to be there. He even says "We all make mistakes, John, I never claimed to be a saint." Dutch is out gunned, yet he attempts to goad him into shooting him. Power play, possibly. Once again, Dutch and John have the perfect opportunity to take each other out, but they don't. Dutch shoots the girl and runs away.

Multiple times John and Dutch run into each other, each presented with the perfect opportunity to the each other. Yet neither of them take the opportunity. Both men are highly skilled gunslingers, highly trained to murder. They seem capable of murdering everyone around them, but not each other. Why?

Then we come to the final scene between Dutch and John.

Stood atop a cliff, they are once more faced with the perfect opportunity to end each other. Dutch could have shot John, and vice versa, but neither move. John shot Dutch, but it wasn't a lethal shot. Dutch could have easily healed from it. Instead, he chooses to fall to his death.

Suicide by jumping is a truly terrifying way to go, and it's a method rarely used as most suicidal people want quick and painless deaths. While it could be argued that Dutch was cornered and that was his only way out, I disagree. Dutch could have killed John and found a way to escape. There are millions of scenarios that could have happened, but didn't. He jumps. But then the question becomes, once more, why? Jumping from a cliff to their death, suicide in general, has always been a taboo subject, but it was even more taboo back in the early 1900s. A narcissist wouldn't allow for such an undignified exit, he'd want something far more grandeur to ensure he's remembered. A truly evil, or bad, man would have ended John rather than run away. It doesn't make sense. Unless, you look at it as an act of mercy.

Dutch knows he wronged John, wronged them all. He knew he messed up with Arthur, with Micah. The loss of so many of his family members probably haunted him every step of the way. I think he threw himself off the cliff as a final mercy to John so he didn't have to pull the trigger, and to give into the pain he felt he deserved for all he'd done.

I think he was sloppy because he wanted to be found. How else do you explain him disappearing for years, then popping back up? His whole philosophy has been about getting money and disappearing, yet he holes up in a fort. Even when he knows John has found him, he doesn't leave. He shows up when he wants to be found.

While I am not saying Dutch is a good man, I do not consider him to be the villain, or the evil narcissist everyone claims him to be. I think he was a sad little boy with a mental illness, who became horrifically misguided, and drove himself crazy before ending his own life.

I hope you all liked this! If you did, maybe I'll do another break down!

#red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption ii #Red Dead Redemption I #Psychological profile #red dead redemption 2 spoilers #red dead spoilers #Red Dead Redemption I spoilers #rdr2 #rdr1 #rdr1 spoilers #rdr2 spoilers #dutch van der linde #arthur morgan #john marston #red dead fandom #Red Dead Redemption #Red Dead Redemption 1 #this took ages to write

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bi-outta-cordonia · 4 years

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Top 10s

The year is coming to a close and despite this being my first foray into PB fandom for the year, some interesting shit has happened in these books and 2019 was full of all sorts of fun stories. I want to cap off Choices this year by naming my top ten favorite moments in all the books released in 2019.

Tagging all my favorite unfriendly Black hotties: @questionablespecies @imogen-wescott @beyonceswigs @annelyseadair @cassiopeiacorvus @massivelysilentchaos @nikkisha16 @boujeechoices @raleigh-carrera @mand-delemonde

10) BB MC training with Jax: I like. Many things. Many things involve swords. Jax training BB MC in fight skills was awesome as a scene, especially since it came with the moment of him reestablishing his connection with his blade and the two of them touching foreheads as they come to terms with her death. But nothing--nothing--is gonna top the moment where the two of them literally fight each other. They train and they train hard as hell. “What’s this position called?” “It’s called ‘you better not break my defense because I’ll kick your ass’.” And then she cuts part of his shirt. He looks up, they start back with the training, and he slices part of her dress. They keep going until eventually there are no more clothes and they are now on the ground, making out. The exact opposite of training, but I can’t hear over the receptors in my brain that sound off for couple training scenes.

9) “Oh, you like that”: Listen. NB was trash. There’s no denying that. But that first moment when you finally get to dive into Cal, make out with him, when ol girl takes off both of their clothes for the most intense face sucking she’s ever experienced in life? And then he dips his head or bites her neck or whatever the fuck he does--I don’t even remember. Because what I do remember--very vividly--is damn near throwing my phone across the room when he says “Oh, you like that...” I read it in his drawl, felt that shit in my soul, and it will never not make me so incredibly disappointed that we will never get to see him really go buck wild with MC because it was there.

8) Landry bailing if you don’t talk to him: It happened with Vanessa, happened with Becca, happened with Olivia, happened with Sebastian--sometimes. I don’t want to make friends with folks who come at me sideways when it doesn’t immediately benefit them. Landry being a little coward was something all the intelligent folks saw coming but you could see inklings of the narrative trying to set him up for redemption at the eleventh hour. Except. I didn’t want that. A majority of folks did not want that it seems. And PB listened for once and didn’t force us to have to interact with him during the last leg of the first book. If you talk to everyone in the friend group before you get to him, he bails and is not seen or heard from. Good.

7) MOTY MC making bank off her deadbeat ex husband: MOTY was also another unexpected favorite to come out of 2019 and told the story of a single mother trying to raise her baby right. Guy was and is easily the worst antagonist to ever show up in these books because he is so disgustingly real. Emotionally abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, and cruel--he did everything in his power to exert power over MC. He wanted the kid, not because he wanted to be her father but because he wanted to use her to help boost him, and going through the whole book making sure to pick options that would best demonstrate that MC was providing exactly what the baby needs, only for the judge to say that not only is she not awarding custody to Guy but he also has to pay child support, pro- and retroactively?? When sis opened that bank account and saw tens of thousands sitting in her savings?? I almost cried.

6) ILB MC rising from certain death and avenging her parents: Okay so this might be cheating a little because ILB came out in 2018, but I also said this was a top ten list of shit that happened in 2019, and seeing this bitch break out of a coffin, swim up, and straight murder the man that took her parents from her was insanity. Richard really thought he had her on the ropes, huh? He thought she wasn’t gonna be able to break out and kick his ass? And when she told him that, as far as the entire town was concerned, he was already dead and they were just waiting for his body to wash up? Ooh, she wasn’t stuck on the boat with him--he was trapped on the lake with her.

5) Logan was a forced LI for a good reason??: Girls, Ride or Die: A Bad Boy Romance was an unexpected fave this year but out of all the moments to choose from that absolutely floored me, the fact that Logan was so heavily pushed was because Kaneko asked him to gain your trust so that the crew could use you? That shit hurt so much and had me screaming the entire time I was tapping through the revelation scenes. I mean, we’ve had LIs betray MCs a ton of times but I still could not believe that Logan had so thoroughly did what he did and when they showed you the flashbacks of the very subtle ways he was trying to weed information from MC? In the early stages?? Man.....this is why my MC went with Colt--kidding kidding. She is with Colt but I love Logan deeply solely because of this.

4) BB MC dying: okay NB tried to do something groundbreaking but like it got completely overshadowed by BB MC getting fucking stabbed through her chest because typically your MC will walk away okay from most scenarios but this bitch actually didn’t. Couple that with the fact that I’m romancing Jax so the thing that killed her was his sword, something that has been revealed as being a precious thing and something he’s cherished for a long time as a tool to help him protect the ones he loves? It hit me right in the a ng s t. She pops back up a vampire in the third book, a reveal which comes to us at the end of the second but oh man watching Jax cradle her dying body, knowing he was never going to forgive himself for this happening? It was delicious.

3) ACOR MC turning the crowd on Caesar: okay, stabbing Caesar was fantastic, no one is denying that, but I honestly thought the most impactful and most fucking insane moment of ACOR is when MC made the first attempt, got caught, and was able to stir the crowd during the final leg of her trial to the point that she started a literal riot in Rome. The flavor, the power--can you imagine being Julius Caesar and watching a ho string your folks along and convince them that she couldn’t possibly have been guilty of a crime because her pussy is too good for that? Who is gonna win this fight--a certified conqueror of several realms or one bitch with the world’s most fantabulous coochie? The answer may surprise you...

2) TRR MC is pregnant: we got stuck in yeehaw hell for seven weeks...seven weeks of having to act like Bertrand and Savannah were even that important according to the narrative when MC is a whole ass duchess trying to start her family....all the months of seeing Liam talk so enthusiastically about wanting a family with MC, wanting to be a father, and wanting to build a life with her, after all the bullshit they went through and the hurdles they had to jump in order to even get to the point where they could be happily married? And then she called him out to the field and told him that they were having a baby? I cried. I cried so hard.

1) ACOR MC stabbing Cassius in the fucking back: I loved ACOR so much. So much of the political machinations, the scheming, the dancing around language while trying to manipulate powerful patrons into doing your bidding--I had Antony wrapped around one finger and Cassius on the other--string them both along while trying to achieve my own goals but maaaaaaan....Betraying Cassius at the last second in order to protect yourself from reprimand so you can make a clean getaway from Rome was the peak. The epitome of ACOR MC in a nutshell. I fucking loved how absolutely unhinged and manipulative that bitch could be. She literally sat up there and told him all the things he wanted to hear, acted like she cared about who he wanted for Rome, in some cases straight up lied to him about how much she loved him, and then during the moment that mattered most--when they both stabbed Caesar and thrust Rome into chaos--she shed the visage of the beautiful woman he had so deeply fallen in love with and unveiled the poisonous snake she had always been. She used him. He truly and honestly didn’t see it coming until he peeked outside and happened to spy her standing firm at Antony’s side. And the narrative let me do that with the utmost glee.

And that’s it. Go forth. Make your own list. Criticize mine, idc.

#playchoices #choices

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travllingbunny · 5 years

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The 100 6x07 Nevermind

Season 6 of The 100 has been fantastic so far, and 6x07 is not just the best episode of the season so far, but also one of my favorite ever episodes of the show. Nevermind is, in many ways, a dream come true for me: this is exactly what I was hoping for at least since the promos for the show started promising the theme of characters “facing their demons”. At the time, I couldn’t have guessed that it would be about Clarke battling a centuries old woman who has taken over her body after her parents had decided to bodysnatch Clarke in order to bring their daughter back, but I was hoping for trippy, mind-bending, character-based storylines. Most of all, one focused on Clarke Griffin, the main character and hero of the show (oddly enough, this needs to be pointed out, since there are fans who keep forgetting it), her psyche, her traumas and emotional issues and character development.

After the wonderful last scene of 6x06 and the promos for this episode, my expectations were really high, and they were met. There was a little bit of fear that the whole “which characters will make a cameo”, “who will be mentioned how many times” thing would distract from Clarke’s character exploration, but that was not the case. This episode was almost entirely (except for the last scene) set in Clarke’s and Josephine’s mind space rather than the real world. The walk down the memory lane that the drawings we saw on Clarke’s mind-wall was there, but it was, above all, a great character study of the show’s protagonist, a battle of wills between the hero and the villain, and it had some big revelations – for the audience or for the characters. It had brilliant dialogue and acting, and was emotional, dark, intense and even funny at times (mostly thanks to Josephine, who is evil and detestable but also incredibly funny and charismatic).

And what particularly made me happy is that it addressed some long-standing questions of morality that the show had been ambiguous about. The show’s moral complexity/greyness has long bordered on moral relativism, and allowed (mis)interpretations in the fandom, to the effect that “There are no good guys, the protagonists are as bad as the villains, therefore it’s all the same and it doesn’t matter if someone does bad things, since everyone does it”. The unfortunate motto “for my people” has been overused and abused by many morally ambiguous or straight-up villainous characters on the show, to justify their own actions (the classic “who are you to talk, when you killed all the Mountain Men! Therefore I get to do whatever I want ‘for my people’’ – as if doing the only thing that could have stopped the evil society of technological vampires/overlords from killing and cannibalizing all your loved ones, is the same as killing people with no remorse to get power). By season 5, Clarke herself seemed to start buying into that view. Josephine Lightbourne again try to use that against Clarke in this episode, and nearly made her give up. This time, however, Clarke and the show both finally said “f*ck you” to that worldview.

One of the reasons why Josephine is such a great villain is that she is both a parallel and a striking contrast to Clarke. On the surface, they seem similar – their looks, background, family. When we first saw her in the flashback in 6x02, the similarities were obvious – another intelligent, capable, beautiful blonde girl with loving parents (Russell, in both versions, even matches the same physical type as Jake), a princess from a privileged background. But Josephine is everything that Clarke-haters (in and out of the show) claim Clarke to be, but that Clarke most definitely is not: selfish, narcissistic, with a god complex, remorseless, sociopathic, completely ruthless, pampered, classist, treating people as disposable. A start contrast to Clarke’s compassionate, caring, self-sacrificing nature.

Various thoughts about this episode in bullet points under the cut.

One of the many contrasts between Clarke and Josephine is the disorganized, beautiful way that different memories fill Clarke’s mind space, as drawings all over the walls of her room, unlike Josephine’s highly structured, organized mind. Just like “Monty”, I also like Clarke’s better.

I’m overall very happy with how this episode included references to various people and events from Clarke’s past, through a combination of drawings, flashbacks, mentions and objects. Most important people in Clarke’s life were referenced – both dead ones like Jake, Finn, Lexa, Jasper, Monty, and living ones like Bellamy and Madi (not so many mentions of Abby, but that’s because she’s both alive and, unlike so many others, not a source of guilt for Clarke).

The only exception is arguably Wells, and it’s really unlucky that the planned appearance by Eli Goree didn’t work out. We still got a confirmation of his importance in Clarke’s life (which should be big – he was her best friend since childhood and died tragically, even if he didn’t last long on the show) through several drawings (and the Chinese version of the idiom “A friend in need is a friend indeed” under one of them), and, more importantly, a close-up of one of them. Let’s be honest, the drawings are generally little more than a cool Easter egg for the fans, if the show doesn’t focus on them through close-ups and flashbacks or mentions – something that the general audience would notice.

I love the way that Clarke’s outfit and hairstyle kept changing depending on which memory or part of her mind space she was in at any given moment. For instance, she started as Ark Clarke from the Pilot, then turned into Eden Clarke when she visited her safe space of the life there with Madi for those 6 years – which was far from perfect (what with being isolated from everyone else, without any adult with her, without other friends or any chance of love or sex life, and waiting for Bellamy to come back and talking to him without answer to keep sane), but was still the most peaceful time she’s known. Except maybe for her childhood, which she did spend in a not-happy space (life on the Ark was difficult, if not for her, then for so many others who were less privileged, and we know Clarke was aware of that), but she had a happy family life, so it makes sense that her father is the first person she would see in her mind-space. Jake and Eden stood for safety and family life and peace, which Clarke thought she got when she briefly believed she had really died – before Jake (aka her own mind) told her it wasn’t true. It’s the sign of her being upset – the rain and storm outside that happened due to her mood – that alerted her to the fact she was still alive.

Every character, other than Josephine, who appeared in Clarke’s mind space was, of course, an embodiment of a part of her.

Although I’m not sure about ALIE, whose code may have remained there, and who delivered information that Clarke may not have already known. It was the one cameo in this episode that really surprised me (since the rest had been revealed or guessed on social media). She was there for the big revelation that the neural mesh from the time Clarke was in the City of Light is what ended up saving her. This made this episode’s link to 3x13 Nevermore even stronger. (Funny that the erased memory of ALIE!Raven is what gave rise to that awful amnesia theory. Glad that this has been shut down now.) I guess this means that I was wrong about other hosts being savable, and that Delilah is gone forever? A big part of why I wanted it to be true, apart from liking Delilah, was to give the Earthkru more incentive to fight the Primes. But we have been given a lot of other reasons why they should make the decision to so that.

ALIE also had a conversation with Clarke about the nature of life and humanity, which, however, could be just Clarke talking to herself. Clarke has been tempted to run away from pain, she’s even tempted to run from it by accepting death in this episode, but she’s still insisting that pain is a necessary part of life and that there’s no joy without it. At the core, Clarke is not someone who gives up.

The revelation that the darkest and most painful memories are those that aren’t even on the wall and that Clarke keeps hidden, explained some things, such as why there were no drawings on the mind-wall of such huge moments as Jake’s death or Finn’s death (Clarke’s trauma from this was a subject of an entire episode – one of my favorites, 2x09, Remember Me)... However, while I don’t want to criticize the prop department, who did an incredible job drawing those pictures from scenes, they did make an error - one of the drawings of Lexa is actually from the scene of her right after being shot, which doesn’t really fit (her death is one of the “darkest place” hidden memories) – though you wouldn’t know that by just looking at the picture and not knowing the scene.

I’m glad that Josephine called out Clarke on child abuse, and that the drawing of Madi in pain in the shock collar was so prominent on the wall. Season 5 had Clarke at her lowest point, and that was certainly, IMO, one of the worst things she’s done.

We know (from 6x04) that Clarke’s biggest regret is leaving Bellamy in Polis in season 5, and this episode confirmed that this weighs so heavy on Clarke’s heart that she can’t even face Bellamy in her mind space (which fits with the fact that the darkest and most traumatic moments are those she did not put on the wall). She is afraid that he hasn’t really forgiven her in his heart, and that he can’t, because she can’t forgive herself. Even if Bellamy is alive and well, Clarke’s feelings for him make her betrayal of him unforgivable in her own eyes (even though, at the time she did it, she had been heartbroken and furious because she felt he had betrayed her). Octavia, or rather Blodreina, was the right embodiment of her guilt in a weird way, since she was the danger that Clarke left Bellamy to, the one who threw him into the pit in the first place (kind of like Jaha was the embodiment of Bellamy’s guilt over the culling in 1x08). She reminded Clarke of some of her other sins, those that involved Clarke being ready to sacrifice Octavia (while trying to protect Bellamy) – letting the bomb drop on the people in Tondc, stealing the bunker in season 4, but she was there mostly to talk about Bellamy, because the relationship between Clarke and Octavia has always mostly revolved around their respective relationships with him. Even in her own mind, Clarke is still deflecting when confronted with her feelings for Bellamy (“I care about both of you”, just like she said “I care about all of them” when called out on her feelings for Bellamy by Lexa in 2x14). Octavia is also the embodiment of the unwillingness to forgive, so her refusal to fight for Clarke makes sense.

Not that Clarke needed any help to kick Josephine’s arse. It was satisfying to see, but expected. Josephine is an actual pampered princess who’s never had to fight for anything, while Clarke has been fighting and surviving in adverse circumstances for 7 years.

Maya’s appearance made perfect sense, but she was the most OOC character of all the “mind space” characters – maybe because Clarke didn’t get to know her that well, but mostly because she was the embodiment of Clarke’s guilt over the innocent deaths she’s caused. Maya was a good person, someone who helped them against her own people because it was the right thing to do, and because she knew what the Mountain Men were doing was wrong. She is also linked in Clarke’s mind with her feelings of guilt over Jasper – Clarke didn’t know Maya well, but Jasper was one of her closest friends, and Clarke feels deeply guilty for indirectly causing his downward spiral that ended with his suicid4. I was happy to see him referenced so much in this episode – through “Maya”, the case Clarke found in 5x01, and his goggles that she found there, which all played a big role in this episode. The accusations that “Maya” (Clarke herself) made sounded a lot like the repertoire of Clarke-haters: that she likes being a savior, has a god complex, has killed more people than she’s saved, is no better than the Primes… This is a confirmation that Clarke herself has agonized over all of these things. But it’s not what the real Maya would have said – the real Maya died acknowledging the responsibility all of the Mountain Men had for the evil things their society was doing, saying “None of us is innocent”. When Clarke made her “Maya” character be helpful against Josephine, it was the closest thing to what the real Maya had been like.

Clarke’s darkest place, the most painful and traumatic memories she has, are the deaths of Finn and Lexa, the only two people she has had romantic relationships with – relationships that were both extremely brief and tragic, and ended with deaths that traumatized Clarke a lot and made her feel guilty – even though she doesn’t really have, IMO, objective reasons to feel responsible for either of them, it’s not hard to see why she would feel, on the emotional, irrational level, that she is the one causing people to die. (The show and especially the fandom have tended to ignore one of these relationships post-season 2 and to over-focus on the other, so I was pleasantly surprised that they were both acknowledged in a similar way for their role in Clarke’s development and emotional traumas – with the visual references with Lexa’s throne and the pole Finn was tied to and the knife Clarke used to mercy kill him, combined with the flashback of Finn’s death, a different flashback of Lexa seen before, and Josephine’s indirect mention of her death – which was probably the most elegant solution, since I don’t think the show would ever dare replay the footage of her death for fear of more backlash.)

It’s certainly no coincidence that this dark place that’s about Clarke’s traumas of her tragic romantic life is the place where Josephine breaks Clarke by convincing her that Bellamy has given up on her and that he and everyone are better off with her dead. Josephine didn’t technically lie – she told her he took her death hard but in the end made the rational choice of agreeing to the deal with her murderers. But, by showing her an out-of-context memory of Bellamy taking the deal, she showed her a skewed version of the truth. Clarke didn’t see Bellamy’s grieving, despair and anger, and didn’t realize that Bellamy saying that she would do the same was out of admiration for her, as a leader who’s not just smart but also selfless and caring. She probably took it as another sign he sees her as a monster, doesn’t care that much about her and is better off without her, because it fed into her own insecurities.

Josephine: “Have you considered sacrificing yourself?” Bitch, watch the season 4 finale. She didn’t just consider it, she did it.

I loved the fact that the case Clarke used to hide the important memory was Jasper’s case, that it contained Jasper’s goggles alongside Jake’s video, and that the lock password was “102”. More confirmation of the importance of the initial Delinquents community from season 1 in Clarke’s life and the show. “You forgot Bellamy and Raven” may be my favorite line from this episode.

Monty’s return (which the show tried to hide by not putting Chris Larkin’s name in the credits until the end credits, but it revealed it through not cutting enough of one of the promo pics) was not a complete surprise, thanks to the detective work of some of the fans, but was still my favorite part of the episode. Monty was most in-character, because Clarke knew him so well, and it makes perfect sense that he was the voice of Clarker’s reason and moral compass, which is what made her change her mind after having given up and given Josephine the victory. (You want a great platonic friendships between a man and a woman on The 100? Here it is!)

The ‘Monty” part of Clarke’s mind fought back, against all the BS – the “bear it so they don’t have to”, “for my people” mottos and moral relativism and Josephine’s half-truths) and reaffirmed Clarke’s resilience and will to live, and reminded her that what it all comes down to is not just saving your people, but doing the right thing. After Monty told them to be good guys and be happy. Both of these messages are what Clarke had to remember. As I’ve been pointing out, doing better is not just standing by and not killing people. It’s also actively fighting against evil. They are not being good guys if they let the Primes murder, bodysnatch, oppress, brainwash and sacrifice the people from their community, just because it doesn’t affect them. As “Monty” (Clarke) pointed out, it’s not doing better if you let the Primes murder people to live forever.

Clarke’s trip through Josephine’s memories (of being killed by Kaylee, and of killing Isaac and sacrificing a baby) helped her fully realize that Josephine is truly evil and needs to be stopped. Really, if killing babies is not enough to make you classify someone as true evil on a whole different level, what can?

Josephine tried to pull the “for my people” motto with Issac, but she was full of s*hit. She only does things for herself and maybe a few other people (not even all the Primes, since she murdered four of them). We learned that Children of Gabriel are literally the children that the Primes tried to sacrifice to the trees and that Isaac saved and brought to Gabriel. We also got another confirmation of the cruel caste system of Sanctum, where “nulls” (people who are not Nightblood gene carriers) are treated as lower life forms, and routinely sacrificed, and that Josephine would rather kill them all, if she was allowed to by her father. Not that having the NB gene is so good, as it means your child may end up as a host, and obviously, the “honor” of being a Nightblood means you get bodysnatched at the age of 21.

When Isaac said “if only we were allowed to be more than your janitors and guards”, it felt like it was the writers’ way of reminding us of the class system on the Ark, where Bellamy was a janitor and a guard-in-training. It’s also another reminder of how different Clarke and Josephine are – Josephine would have considered someone like Bellamy expendable and useless, whereas Clarke quickly showed in season 1 she valued people based on their personal qualities rather than their origin or class.

It was cool to see a flashback to the time before the apocalypse, complete with references to Diyoza and Becca, but this memory was my least favorite part of the episode. I guess I just wasn’t that interested in Josephine’s traumatic memories, since I don’t think they’re enough to explain her sociopathic nature. On second thought, you could say that this guy was her Finn, and that her response to that trauma was completely different from Clarke’s – genuinely shutting herself down to any compassion or remorse.

I love the fact that what saved the day was the fact that Clarke and Bellamy were both good students of Earth skills (taught by Pike!) and that they are, once again, so well attuned to each other that they can communicate this way. Or the fact that Bellamy was watching JC so carefully, even though it must have hurt him emotionally to look at her, that he noticed her movements and read them correctly.

Nice to see Miller back, but did he have to be so… not-bright? In any case, it’s great to see Bellamy as determined to save Clarke, as he was despondent in the last episode. This is maybe the first time that Clarke really needs saving, but a huge and crucial part of that rescue was Clarke deciding that she wants to live.

Rating: 10/10

#the 100 #the 100 season 6 #the 100 6x07 #nevermind #clarke griffin #josephine lightbourne #bellamy blake #monty green #jasper jordan #maya vie #jake griffin #wells jaha #octavia blake #madi griffin

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