#this one probably needs many tw considering but idk where to start so sorry if I miss something

[kdyghk]

he’s not even a parasite he’s just fucked up

#this one probably needs many tw considering but idk where to start so sorry if I miss something #I hope this one kinda sqicks people tho like I want people to be like wow that’s a lil fucked up I like it #tw worm #tw worms #tw bugs #(?) #tw eye horror #tw eyeballs #thank you tumblr recommend popular tag system! #I banged this one out in a fit of inspiration #egggeyart

[cower-before-power]

Slippery When Wet: Part 2

Summary: An untimely accident in the shower leaves you injured and in need of rescue. Lucky for you, the object of your affections is more than willing to help.

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x F!Reader

TW: swearing, nudity, implied sexual content, description of injury (nothing graphic), unintentional voyeurism? (idk i mean like voyeurism in the name of helping i’m not sure how to say it ha), lots of dick talk, prolly really bad sex jokes

Link to A03 here

PART 1 HERE

A/N: First of all, THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO READ, LIKED, REBLOGGED AND COMMENTED ON PART 1. You are all amazing, I am so glad you are enjoying this silly little venture Gojo has dragged me on. Again, thank you so much to @ghost-party for her beta skills, you da best! I hope Part 2 makes you all happy :) please enjoy, sweet potatoes!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You shouldn’t look. Not because you don’t want to, but if you do you’ll know what is absolutely not warming your bed at night and then you’ll probably just feel worse. But, you were overwhelmingly curious. Just a quick look couldn’t hurt.

Right?

You peek through your fingers, just at his upper half. The sight makes you curse softly under your breath. Of course he’s absolutely beautiful out of clothes, did you really expect anything less?

“If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll get dressed,” he says, “just thought this would help you out.”

Help you out? Good grief this is going to be the star of your late night fantasies for months. Because instead of dreaming it up, you now have the real thing to recall.

“No,” you take a deep breath and drop your hands. “I’m fine.”

Are you though? He’s built to perfection, checking off all the boxes on your “Things I find physically attractive” checklist. You marvel at this long column of his throat, sweeping down into a set of collarbones that would make models die of envy. His chest is hairless (did he wax or was it just naturally that way?), miles of smooth skin and muscle that your fingers were just itching to trace.

Your eyes trail down past his stomach, briefly cataloging the very nice set of abs, before settling on what you were the most curious about.

The snort of laughter escapes your lips before you can stop it.

“Excuse me, did you just look at my dick and laugh?” He asks accusingly, crossing his arms.

“I’m sorry,” you giggle at the disgruntled expression on his face. “It’s just, I’ve always wondered if the carpet matched the drapes since I assumed you dye your hair. Guess I was wrong.”

For the first time since you’ve known him, Gojo Satoru visibly deflates.

“That’s what you’ve thought about?” His voice is full of frustrated disbelief. “My pubic hair?”

You can’t stop giggling. “You can’t blame a girl for being curious! Are you sure you shouldn’t get rid of it though? Doesn’t the white make people think they’re boning an old man?”

“The utter disrespect,” he gasps, shaking his head. “I can assure you that is the last thing on their minds when I’m working my magic.”

You wonder why you aren’t feeling more flustered. The fun and teasing atmosphere feels almost refreshing after the intense back and forth that was just occurring.

“What, you casting spells for dry weather?”

“Oh, you are evil!” He moans, then looks down at himself. “Don’t listen to her, big guy. You know what you can do.”

“For fuck’s sake, don’t talk to it,” you roll your eyes, trying not to grin. “And don’t oversell the merchandise. It’s average, at best.”

(It isn’t. It’s probably the nicest looking one you’ve ever seen. But him and his astronomical ego do not need to know that)

Gojo grabs his chest as if you’ve physically wounded him. “Ouch! Shots fired, target annihilated!”

“You’re such a drama queen,” you sigh. You wonder if he notices the quiet fondness in your voice.

He opens his mouth as if to retaliate, but then suddenly shuts it. A look comes over his face as if he’s just remembered something very interesting and important.

“Hey,” he says, and you watch his mouth spread into a smile. “You said you’d wondered if the carpet matched the drapes. That means you definitely imagined me naked at least once.”

And your blush is back.

“What of it?” You huff, cross your arms and looking away. “It’s only natural. I’ve thought of lots of people naked.”

“Do you ever imagine sleeping with me?”

The question causes you to choke on your breath.

“What-why would you ask that?”

“Inquiring minds want to know.”

You take a look at him, standing naked and unashamed in front of you. His smile is different; there’s a sultry edge to it you’ve never seen before.

“Maybe inquiring minds should stuff it,” you stick out your tongue. Immature, but he’s got you feeling all funny now.

“Well, I’ve thought about it,” he says. “I’ve thought about it quite a lot, actually.”

Your heart misses a beat in your chest.

“You have?” Your voice squeaks as you force the words out.

“Why do you sound so surprised?” He asks, tilting his head like a curious puppy.

You consider the question. You’ve got insecurities, but you know you are a decent looking person. And despite his flightiness about many things, Gojo has actually never given you the impression that he’s shallow in that way.

“I don’t know,” you say truthfully. “I guess I just never considered the possibility that you were interested in me in that way.”

He sighs. “Pumpkin, I’m not blind. You are stupidly attractive. Every time we’re out in Tokyo you’ve got a million guys and gals staring at you.”

“I just always assumed they were staring at your and your stupid blindfold,” you scrub at your cheeks with your palms, trying to rid yourself of some of the perplexing confusion you feel swirling inside you. “How come you’ve never made a move?”

“Would you have wanted me to?”

You want to shout at him, to say of course yes a thousand times yes, but you pause. You realize you’ve never given him any signals, any hint that he was more than just your often annoying friend. Sure, you blushed at his silly flirting, but so did lots of people.

You shift back through your interactions, all the missions, the late night hang outs, the strolls through the city. Nowhere can you find any instant where your ever expanding feelings might have risen to the surface. But still, would your seeming indifference deter him? He was a very self assured man, after all.

“You have confidence coming out your ass, it’s hard to believe you wouldn’t make a move anyways, just to see,” you say instead.

His whole demeanor softens. “I didn’t want to fuck anything up.”

Oh.

OH.

And you know exactly what he means. It’s why you’ve never said anything, why you forced your desires deep down into the pit of your being when in his presence.

It seems even the strongest shaman could be afraid of something.

“It’s not just about fucking, is it?” You ask, feeling your whole body start to tremble.

“It was never just about fucking,” he replies, and it’s like the universe explodes before your very eyes. “Why do you think I spend all my free time with you?”

“To annoy me?” You croak feebly. “To eat all my snacks? To enjoy torturing me by spoiling the end to every movie we watch?”

He chuckles. “Just side bonuses. Being with you is the real prize, pumpkin.”

“Oh,” you whisper, and your brain whirs like an overworked laptop. You’re having trouble processing that this is actually happening, that the man you’ve been pining after for what feels like forever is really standing there, confessing his own feelings.

Buck ass naked.

“You’ve got two options right now,” Gojo takes a step closer to you, and you shiver at the dominant aura that suddenly swirls around him. “Either I get dressed and we put today behind us, or I come over there and kiss you until you can’t remember your own name. Make your choice.”

Was there even a choice? There was only one option. A slow, warm feeling blooms in the middle of your chest and spreads outwards, dousing your whole shaking body in molten yearning. It’s not a new feeling, but the sensations are different. Because now you can give in to it.

“Kiss me,” you blurt out, breathless and giddy. “Get the fuck over here and kiss me.”

He doesn’t have to be told twice.

A flash of a savage grin, the soft thump of footsteps and then you are numb to everything but him.

He tastes like sugary coffee and chapstick, lips hard and hot against yours as he kisses you like he’ll die if he stops. He’s everywhere at once, in all your senses, drowning you in his onslaught of desirous fervour. It’s not a timid kiss of new sweethearts; it’s a passionate embrace of long overdue lovers.

Your hands run over every inch of him they can reach, mapping the ridges and valleys of his exposed skin. His own slip beneath your shirt to spread across your back, crushing you to him with a grip of iron. It’s not enough; you want them everywhere, you want him everywhere, until he’s branded onto your body. Until you no longer know where you end and he begins. Until he’s sunken himself into your very bones.

You need to breathe- you pull away with a gasp, one gossamer thread of saliva lazily trailing after you.

“Why didn’t we do that sooner?” You pant, digging your nails into his arms. He’s unwilling to keep his mouth off you, now pressing scalding kisses along your jaw.

“Blame it on mutual stupidity,” he sighs into your skin, teeth slightly grazing the spot just below your ear. “Let’s make up for lost time, eh?”

“I’m game,” you say, a soft whine leaving your lips as he works steadily on what is sure to become a bruise.

“Good,” he murmurs, swiping his tongue across the blossoming mark before leaning back to smirk at you. “Have to make you take back all your snarky comments about me and my game.”

You giggle. “Oh, so you’re saying it won’t be as dry as a desert ‘round here?”

“Well let me just check tonight’s weather report,” he laughs, grinning cheekily as he slips a hand down between your legs, brushing gently over the front of your underwear. You bite your lip, grip on his biceps tightening.

“Ladies and gentleman, we’re in for a wet night,” he says in what you assume is his best weatherman voice. “Expect a great deal of precipitation, more so than what’s already accumulated. Perhaps we’ll even see some flooding. We’re talking possibly record setting levels here.”

You snort with laughter, pushing at him slightly. “You are such an idiot. Just shut up and put your money where your mouth is.”

“Oh, I intend to put my mouth in a lot of different places,” he removes his hand, snapping the elastic band of your underwear against your hip as he goes. “I know I just got you into these, but shall I undress you now?”

“Yes please,” you nod eagerly, already wiggling out of your shirt. He quickly helps remove the offending garment, but in all the lust and excitement you’ve forgotten about your shoulder, and you moan in pain when you jostle it.

“Owwwwwwie, stupid shoulder!”

“Shhh, pumpkin,” Gojo coos gently, leaning down to pepper the area with kisses. “It’s okay, I’m here. I’m going to take such good care of you.”

You feel yourself melt at the sudden tender display, and you can’t help but run your fingers through his luscious hair as he continues to smother your bruised shoulder in affection. “You already are, Satoru.”

The first name slips out unexpectedly, but you like the way it rolls off your tongue. He seems to as well, judging by the pleased noise that rumbles from his chest.

“Well, allow me to continue then,” he purrs, and his lips leave your shoulder to capture yours in another toe curling kiss. You press yourself to him, the feel of his bare skin against yours sending a thrill shooting down your spine.

An idea suddenly pops into your head.

“I never got to finish my shower,” you break your kiss to speak, looking up at him under your lashes.

He catches on immediately, his smile once again turning primal. It makes your knees weak and your gut clench in anticipation.

“Maybe you should help me, since I’m injured and all,” you push yourself even closer to him, shivering at the feeling of his not-so-average excitement pressing against your belly.

“Hmmmm, I could do that,” he’s already got his fingers hooked in your underwear, slowly starting to push them down your hips. “But what if you slip again?”

“Well, you’ll just have to catch me then,” you wink at him. “With your dick.”

He roars with laughter, and your heart has never been more full.

“Oh, I’ll do more than just catch you, pumpkin,” he growls playfully, and before you can blink he’s rid you of your bottoms and swept you up into his arms. “I’m going to absolutely wreck you.”

You reach up to kiss him as he pounds towards the bathroom, your blood on fire and only one thought in your head.

Bless that stupid, slippery, wonderful bar of soap.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @satorudicks @sara-nyaa @dixonsbugaboo @fandomtrash100 @oikusa-snow @okemis @kuxredere @mylittleteddybear @the-fandoms-georgie @inaflashimagine @crapimahuman @elenapri0502 @fragments-of-aria @bollywoodghoul @wrdro @kiasnotforever @disregardedbymybias @lavihs @euniartsu @satjsstuff @lycorizzz @fushigurosimp @levisbrat1 @bxstboy-tetsu @one-leaf-grimoire @glxar (sorry i just tagged everyone who asked and commented haha, bold means I couldn’t tag you sorry!)

#gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru imagine #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen imagine #gojo satoru fic #gojo x reader #gojo x you #gojo satoru x you #jjk x reader #jjk x you #jujutsu kaisen fic #jujutsu kaisen gojo #jjk gojo #jjk gojo satoru #jjk anime #my writing

[gwynrielendgame]

Gwyn one shot

Idk I just write shit I think is chaotic

TW(possible): SA

Devlon was, once again, trying to invalidate the females who had won the blood rite. Gwyn didn't see why it was necessary for the three sisters to help train the other female Illyrians in their own camps. It would be much more beneficial for them to train at the house of wind training ring, away from all the male scrutiny. Gwyn, Emerie, and Nesta knew how much it bothered Devlon that they had done so well in the rite. He had made comments here and there invalidating them and went as far as embarrassing them in front of other war camp leaders, suggesting that they only won because the Illyrian males went easy on them. Cassian and Azriel could only do so much. It was really starting to piss Gwyn off. She knew Devlon was provoking them, but Gwyn no longer seemed to care. He would continue to do this until one of the girls proved him wrong.

"I mean if we are speaking honestly, you females only did so well because you had each other. Individual hand-to-hand combat is a completely different playing field." Some of the higher rank males laughed along with Devlon. Nesta rolled her eyes while Emerie could not have looked less interested if she tried.

"Fine. Who do you want me to fight?" Gwyn snapped at the pigheaded male. It caught everyone by surprise. While Devlon was trying to goad them, he didn't think they would call him out by proving him wrong. Cassian and Azriel sent Gwyn a wary look. They knew her and Emerie won the blood rite, but they haven't seen any of the females actually fight. They would continue to underestimate her too.

"I don't expect you to actually fight any of my males, darling." He sent her a toothy grin as if they were in on the same joke. "It wouldn't be fair."

"Pick your guy and I'll fight him." She insisted. She would shut him up once and for all. Devlon had never seen her fight either. She would show him exactly where he could shove his "darling."

"Gwyn." Emerie muttered. Clearly hoping for Gwyn to shut up. If anyone knew of the Illyrians ruthlessness, it was her. Devlon smirked before scanning the area. There were several men training on the opposite side of the ring. Gwyn, her two sisters, Cassian, and Azriel (for some reason) were currently standing on the females side along side Devlon. They were supposed to be giving helpful tips, but the arrogant male had been too busy undermining them to allow any teaching to occur. Devlon stopped his scanning and turned to Gwyn.

"Trev. Come here." Devlon called to the other side. Almost predictably, the largest man over there came strutting over to them. When Gwyn made eye contact, she immediately froze. He was in the same group as her in the blood rite. He also woke up early. He seemed more fascinated by the weapons on the playing field than her, so she took his distraction as her time to escape. Trev stopped a few feet away from them and looked towards Devlon.

"You're going to do hand-to-hand combat with the half-breed." He sneered out the last word as though it might hurt Gwyn. She rolled her eyes. He was going to have to do a lot better than that if he wanted to hurt her. To his credit, Trev looked apprehensive.

"No weapons?"

"No." Devlon almost looked gleeful as he said this, but it caused Trev's eyes to nervously glance over to Nesta's.

"Seems unfair. Does the witch promise to leave me alone if I hurt her friend?" All eyes seemed to turn to Nesta who was glaring as per usual.

"I don't make promises I can't keep." Her response was curt, but it had Gwyn elbowing her in the ribs. If this was how she had to prove herself, then so be it. It appeared she would need her sisters on board for it though. "Fine. No witchy shit." Nesta conceded after an intense stare down with Gwyn. Cassian spoke up next.

"This seems like a bad idea." Gwyn shot him a glare. She knows he doesn't mean to do it, but comments like that undermine her ability as much as Devlon's. She could handle herself against anyone. She would never allow a man to have the upper hand again.

"She can do it." Azriel's quiet confidence had her sliding her eyes to meet him. She could find only support behind them which strengthened her resolve. She stepped inside the ring and quickly ran through her stretches. Just as Trev stepped in, she began her mind-stilling.

"Go." It was a singular, quiet word spoken by Devlon, but Gwyn was off. She knew that Trev wouldn't make the first move with his apprehension. Gwyn shot her fist into Trev's neck which had him bending over in a coughing fit. Gwyn grabbed the back of his head and shoved it into her knee. He was sprawled on the floor for less than a second before he hopped back up.

"Bitch." He muttered as he spit blood from his mouth. Gwyn could now see the anger simmering in his eyes. This is where the real fight began. They traded a series of blows, and punches, and kicks. Gwyn got hit so hard in the temple she started seeing stars, but she refused to give up. Her stubbornness wouldn't allow her to lose this fight. Gwyn once again got the upper hand by kicking the back of his knee which had him falling once more. She jabbed her fingers into his eyes which had him screaming. He managed to shove her back while yelling profanities at her. She wasn't playing fair and she knew that. She was taking as many low blows as she could. Trev wouldn't be used to this kind of combat considering other males liked to play by certain rules. Gwyn didn't have that sort of luxury being at such a physical disadvantage.

"Fuck you." He shouted then a small smirk quirked his lips up. "You should hear what the other males have to say about you." They were both circling each other at this point. The exhaustion was setting in for both of them and they needed a second to breathe. Gwyn didn't think the other males would gossip like teenage busybodies, but apparently she would be proven wrong. He threw out a fist that she barely blocked. It still clipped her jaw though.

"Didn't realize the great Illyrian warriors were such gossips." She huffed out. Stupid males.

"Those Illyrian warriors talk about how much they wanted your friends that day. How they would have been willing to lose the whole thing for one night with either of them. Didn't hear quite the same thing about you." Gwyn suddenly knew where this was going and blood roared in her ears. She impulsively threw a punch into his ribs that he easily blocked and responded with a punch of his own to her ribs. She realized then that that was his plan. Piss her off enough that she becomes sloppy. She started her mind-still again, but he wouldn't stop talking.

"I'm curious what's under those leathers. I didn't get a good look that day." He paused for only a second to drag his eyes up and down her body. It was enough to make her skin crawl. "I hear it is quite the canvas of scars. One of my brothers said one look at you in that nightgown had him gagging." Gwyn's breathing became much more labored.

"Shut up." She spit at him. She sent a kick to his thigh, but he stepped away too quickly.

"Another one of my brothers said your skin was so mutilated, he'd rather fuck a suriel." Trev laughed at that. Gwyn didn't peg him for a vindictive male, but she supposed he didn't like being made a fool of so quickly within their fight. "It's hard to know for sure without seeing with my own eyes though. Why don't you show a little skin?"

"You know what I have noticed about men?" Gwyn started. Her rage had peaked and she was about to let it out. "They don't play by the rules. So why should I?" Gwyn dropped down to her knees and swung her legs out. Trev fell hard, too slow to notice what Gwyn was doing. She was sitting on his chest. His arms stuck under her legs. She had pulled a hidden dagger out and shoved it through his lips. She held his tongue between two fingers and pressed the dagger heavily to it. Trev's eyes widen and Gwyn could hear shouts from outside the ring.

"What was that, Trev? I couldn't quite hear you. What were you saying about my body?" Trev was squirming with all his might but he had exhausted most of his energy by now, and Gwyn's anger was insatiable. She felt as though she had increased strength even for a fae. He was muttering and mumbling, but none of it made since with his tongue in her tight grasp.

"Don't get shy now. Speak up." Gwyn felt as though her anger could shoot out of her like a ray of light. It was uncontrollable. The shouting outside of the ring continued but Gwyn was only focused on the male in front of her. It wasn't until she registered the fear in his eyes that her anger started to dim. She finally could hear what they were saying.

"Gwyn, stop." That was Nesta.

"Gwyn, he didn't mean it." Emerie.

"Let him go." Cassian.

"Are you fucking crazy, you dumb bitch?" And that one was definitely Devlon.

It was as if she was burned by fire. One second she was about to cut his tongue out of his mouth and the next she was throwing herself off him and scrambling away. It appeared Trev was on the same mind set because he also was scrambling away from her.

"Sorry." Gwyn could barely choke it out. She didn't know what overcame her. She just hoped it never happened again. Her breathing was heavy as she searched her family's faces for the judgement that should be there. Nesta and Emerie looked concerned, Cassian looked wary, and Azriel looked...supportive? He had that same look on his face as before. As though he understood the rage that was boiling over inside before she shoved it back down.

"Sorry." Gwyn tried again. Devlon was looking over Trev at this point who still looked spooked. Both of the females jumped out of whatever daze they were in and grabbed Gwyn.

"We need to go." Nesta whispered. "Before Devlon can dish out any punishments." The beautiful high fae female was hurrying them over to Azriel to winnow them away. Cassian was staying behind. Probably to do damage control if Gwyn had to guess.

It wasn't until the were back in the personal library of the house of wind did Gwyn break down. She was so startled by her own wrath that she didn't know how to cope. Gwyn had never been cruel before, but in that moment, she felt cruel. Azriel left the females to comfort their sister, but not before whispering so only Gwyn could hear.

"Good job."

#gwyneth berdara #azriel #acotar #acosf #headcanon

[annetteblog]

Intro & My take on KM

Hi!

I’m new around here so it’s supposed to be (not so short) introduction, since I don’t know how to start a blog heh. I hope to sprinkle my 0.5 cents into the KM conversation and maybe to bring a new perspective from someone, who is not a part of the typical English-speaking West.

Who /the hell/ Am I?  

(please, consider it to be said with NJ’s voice from Intro: Persona :D)

I was born in Siberia (it’s in the Asian part of Russia), currently live in the European part of the country while studying at a Uni (European in terms of geography, not in terms of everything else i’m definitely not shading rn lolllll). English is not my first language, I’ve just kind of learnt it to some extent. Due to this it takes me more time to write a post; and I may (and will) make some grammatical & other mistakes. Plus I’m lazy AND busy with Uni, so I won’t even promise to be consistent in posting smth lol. But I thought I need more practice in terms of writing in English, so here I am, actually scribbling something. This feels weird, because I’ve been around stan Tumblr since 2015, but never ever interacted, just read.

How I ended up around Jikook/Kookmin (and BTS) & My (long&messy) take on this matter

Although I had heard of BTS before, I became an Army only in October 2018. I had kinda avoided them, because you know... boybands.... sing songs about romantic love and how they love girls.......... (+I had been around Twitter when 1D been at their peak and I remember a quite toxic community of fans, whom always had scared me). Shortly, hello stereotypes. Obviously, after I got engaged I felt terribly sorry that I had been sleeping on them, but what is done cannot be undone. 

Someone I knew back then reposted one of their MVs and I, during my sad hours of procrastination, decided to watch it. Then I saw their live performance with the same song. And I thought “wow these guys can sing and dance and the music is kinda cool, i need to check this out maybe??” 

Then a funny thing happened. One of the next videos I watched (the same person had it added to their page) was a 2016 BangtanBomb where JM and JK practiced their Coming of Age dance. 

Do you know this moment with Gina from the 1st episode of Brooklyn 9-9:

Well, that was precisely me after I watched it. I don’t even know how to explain this, it was kind of a gut feeling? Whatever you call it, I started to get suspicious and couldn’t even explain to myself why. /actually now a do have questions to this vid and the main one - why does everyone cringe that much? if it’s a girly choreo than they had done some “girly” moves before. why is there such strong reaction??/

I started to get deeper and went to some ru-shipper communities. Shipping culture among Russian speaking fans is... well, weird to some extent, but I maybe address this topic some time later. You need to consider that (as far as you probably know) Russia is quite homophonic country and sadly is not the greatest place for LGBTQ+ community at the moment. The non-frienly influential attitudes hanging in the society + the general shippers’ weirdness = the result is not that nice honestly. 

I struggled for some time in order to find more mature people (not just in terms of age but in general sanity), failed, ended up with some EXTREMELY toxic ru-fans of TK, which was/is the most popular pairing here, spent among them like 15 minutes and ran away horrified. After that I didn’t even try to engage with shippers or believers or whatever of any pair and just decided to enjoy the music and the content (which is a great idea, highly recommend!)

After a couple of days I discovered that JK makes videos. I love video, films and visual art so I immediately found them on YT, saw the titles with names of different cities from all over the world and was like “Oh that must be so cool, he’s visited so many outstanding places I’ve never been to, so I really need to watch it! I shall enjoy some beautyyy”. Then I clicked on GCFt.

Well, what can I say. I did enjoy some beauty, but not the type I had initially anticipated. The biggest clickbait in my entire life. JK should be proud of himself.

                                       /as I said - the beauty/

I had already known Troy back then and I known the song’s lyrics so it would not be an underestimation to say - the video just blew my mind. I was like - hold on is this real? seriously?? no really really????? he manage to get away with something THAT obvious?????? dude how

As a person who edited videos AND is not a native English speaker, I don’t buy the explanation “oh he mustve didnt get the lyrics lmao”. You just don’t do that. You don’t. DON’T. You google and translate every shit you don’t understand, every word and idiom you’ve never encountered, because otherwise the possibility of an epic failure is very likely. You wouldn’t want to give your mum a video as a birthday present and then discover that you used a song with WAP-ish lyrics, right? (well maybe that would be okay in your family, I don’t judge, but that’s not the case for people I know). So don’t you dare to degrade JK’s intellectual capacities; such assumption is really offensive. He is a smart boii, he knows exactly what he’s doing in terms of his art.

So I was shocked, but decided to look for the context - maybe I missed some previous events regarding this Tokyo thing (another great idea - always check the context). Well, apparently I didn’t, because the whole narrative with the trip for two, lovely selfies etc. made my poor brain lowkey explode. (I still don’t buy the rings theory thing though)

But I didn’t give up lol! I’m a bit stubborn and it’s very hard to convince me in anything, so I decided to search for more context, more of their interactions, moreeee. Remember, the late October 2018, there were no swan lakes, RB, and even MMA18 hadn’t happened yet. 

This time I ended up watching content in more or less consistent way, and when I saw all of these scenes with affectionate JM and a cool badass i-don’t-care-about-anyone-i’m-a-manly-man-with-no-feelings-whatsoever JK, I just hysterically laughed. 

Homophobic Russia, remember? I recognized this. Growing up here being LGBT myself, taught me the same type behaviour during my high school days. When a girl I kinda liked but didn’t what to admit it to myself was nice to me or (oh god) flirted with me, I did something similar. It’s like a huge panic mode. Being an introvert doesn’t help either. The funniest thing is that you may not entirely realise what exactly is going on in terms of your own feelings, especially at that age (16-18ish). In my personal case, I thought I liked her but as a friend, only later to realise that well not as a friend oops :DDD The second thing (already not so funny) is that you actually consciously or unconsciously try to avoid the subject as much as possible, as long as possible and pretend that nothing is going on. We’re just bros. Stop doing this stupid gayish thing and don’t look at me like that, you’re annoying. If you ever do this again I (gently) kick you. I’m straighter than a straight line in my math textbook. IDK, but probably that’s your brain is somehow trying to protect you. Again, in my case&position I knew that the consequences for any non-straight person being outed would be bad (TW not to the point of being killed bad, but to the point of being excluded from a big part of society). So for me it was a mixture of the internalized homophobia + lack of self reflection + just being a bit emotionally slow + very! straight community around. Shit happens, I was a teenager and made my share of mistakes, but that experience helps me to recognize the same pattern of behaviour up to this day.   

So coming back to KM, because the post is already waaay too long and I just ramble. It’s been 2+ years for me being a part of this fandom, and what can I say... Things become more intense and eventful with every year passing by ;) Funny how I felt that vibe from the 2016 dance practice video. Seeing the Black Swan performance a week ago almost had me choked, no joking. They are amazing.

                                                    Pure Art

However, and I would like to emphasize that, I do not incline that KM are 100% romantically involved and/or gay or whatever. I tend to treat people with respect and not to make too much assumptions about their private life. That’s not my business. However, I’m also not a fan of heteronormativity, so I’m just sitting here and observe everything that’s going on putting some distance and not forgetting being generally polite and critical thinking. But if they are just straightest besties please give them an Oscar before Grammy

Anyways, I hope this blog won’t kick the bucket from the very start and I will post something every now and then. You can always ask me questions about some BTS/Jikook related stuff or something about Russia and a Russian view on mass culture topics, since I’m pretty sure some of you have very stereotypical view of what is going on here :) However, do note that I’ve never been to America or Europe, therefore I may not be aware of something verrrry obvious to you or just have a completely different experience. 

P.S.  And yeah, I’m used to say Jikook, since it’s the name which is used much more frequently in Russian.  i like it better and what will u do haha

#jikook #kookmin #what am i even doing here #i'm gonna regret this #long post

[kittybellestark]

Hi ! I don't know if this is where you send requests, but maybe a fic where peter gets all jealous of Morgan and Harley, and its fathers day, but he feels like he shouldn't be there and stays in the room the Stark's have for him- (Tony lives) OH! and maybe Mays dead idk whatever ya want thank you ! <3 Oh! and can I be on the taglist?

hi milove sorry for taking literal months to do your request i recognize you requesting this on nov 18th and it is now February so i hope this is smth that was worth the wait !! 

So I played with the timelines a lil bit bc i suck and i also just kinda took this to a place i don’t think you were asking me to do whoops, it’s not just some cute sibling jealously

also not very irondad based, like sprinkle amounts. also no comfort. my bad 

Post-endgame, Tony lives, Harley & Peter are the same age, Peter got snapped Harley didn’t 

TW: Grief, implication of suicide(minor character), suicidal thoughts,  

-

There wasn’t many things Peter liked. He remembers liking a lot of things, life, school, home, himself. But that was years ago, and yet it was only a few months for Peter. The world was different now, older.

Those who survived held grief in their eyes, they moved slow and while they have grown since the loss of their world, they also had survived the return. They mourned and grew older, making new family and friends. But some who survived couldn’t hold the weight of their loss, and in the 5 years their family was gone, they went to be with them.

The returned came back, and lived in denial. Their eyes were empty, and every movement was carefully thought through. They were left behind, monuments in their place. Those who returned saw how the survived struggled to cope, and in turn they struggled as well. There was no place for them anymore. Especially when they didn’t have a family to go to.

Like Peter.

Peter returned to the world five years later to find May was gone. She was one of those who survived the initial snap, only to not be able to carry the grief. He hated that he came back to life and had no home, no family. Peter was alone.

Tony was nice enough to offer Peter a place to live with his own family. But they couldn’t relate to him, they didn’t know what it felt like to be left behind like this, to be dropped in the future and expected to be okay. Tony had a family now. A child born in an empty world, and another kid, Harley. He was barely a teenager before the snap and now he was 17, just as old as Peter.

He couldn’t help but hate living with them. Harley’s family had returned, but he wasn’t going home. Morgan was a child who was scared by Peter. Tony and Pepper sometimes forgot Peter was there, after spending so long without him they would act as if they’ve seen a ghost when Peter rounds the corner and into whatever room they’re occupying.

Peter missed May. He wished that he could still be in Queens, living in their apartment. Peter missed Ben and he missed the idea of his parents. He should have never returned. There’s no room for him in this world.

He hated how Harley took advantage of their situation. He hated that Harley had a family, a mother and a sister who returned and are alone and he didn’t go back to them. His family returned to him and yet he’s here with Tony. And he hated how Morgan took her family- her full, completed family for granted.

If Peter’s family came back to life there wouldn’t be anything stopping him from being with them. He would cherish every single nano-second if they were alive again.

And yet they all expected Peter to be okay. Adapted. Used to the future like he didn’t just blink and find himself lost and alone. He brings up that he misses May and someone frowns and tells him how long ago she died. How was that supposed to help him? No one even brought him to the cemetery. How is Peter meant to move on from a life that was stolen from him?

It’s not like any of them were okay. Tony and Pepper and Harley all crumbled as whenever there was a reminder of everything that they lost. Peter, unfortunately happened to be one of those reminders.

Tony and Pepper tried their best. They involved Peter in family bonding time and they tried their best not to flinch when Peter is unexpectedly there. Because they survived, they didn’t understand and talking to them led to dead ends.

He tried communicating with them. Cried over May’s death, had been confused about these new things that are actually years old. For them it was so long ago, a literal lifetime ago, so they never really saw the point in talking about these things. It wasn’t that they thought Peter would figure this out, they just assumed he already knew.

Talking to Harley didn’t really work that well either. He didn’t want to talk about the things Peter missed out on and when asked about his family he would shrug and say that he’s moved on.

And, well, Morgan was a kid. She was born in an empty world, told stories of people that she never should have met and now faced with the world doubling and not understanding any of it. Peter Parker was just a character is bedtime stories and now he’s a ghost who wants her home. She used to cry whenever Peter is around and still tries to hide behind people’s legs. 

God, he hated being this kid. Never wanted to be the one who envied others. Before- when it was still just May and Peter, he didn’t feel this gnawing inside him, while they didn’t have much Peter still had someone who fit all the rolls he needed. He hated being jealous, he didn’t feel this when he used to look at anyone who had two living parents.

He shouldn’t be here. Not in this room, which came decorated with everything Peter had loved before he died- and not alive. He didn’t fit. Not into this family who struggles with the idea he’s alive and not on this planet where the world is still mourning the people who came back. 

“Are you coming downstairs?” Harley asked.

Peter can’t be here. He had no right.

“I have a taxi coming to get me.” 

That wasn’t a lie. Something he scheduled last night at some point, between the tears and holding his breath. Peter didn’t think anyone would be awake at this time, Sunday’s were always the day that everyone slept in and Peter could just be alone outside of his room.  Sometimes he would just sit in the living room and other times he’d wander around the property, often ending up by the lake. By the time everyone would start waking up Peter would be back in his room with some breakfast and try not to bother anyone. 

“Okay, well it’s fathers day, so I think they might be expecting your presence in some form. We have plans and all that.” 

Of course they do. They always make plans where Peter only finds out the day before or day of. Maybe Peter has plans. They could consider that. Okay, maybe Peter never really has any plans, nothing more than trying to understand this new world. And maybe he didn’t make the active effort to find where he fit in this home, but he is the child and it shouldn’t really be up to him. Harley probably didn’t have to engage with the adults first. Tony and Pepper more than likely got input from Harley on their plans. 

With a sigh Peter nodded. “I’ll cancel the taxi.”

“Cool! I’ll tell everyone you’ll be down soon.”

Harley made sure to give a big smile, before heading downstairs, a bounce in each step he took. Peter really hated Harley for his happiness. 

Taking a moment after canceling the taxi, Peter tried to pull himself together. He forced a smile and pulled his shoulders back. All that needs to be done is sit and nod, occasionally laugh. Pay no mind to the way Morgan looks at him in fear, and don’t see the look of mourning on Tony and Pepper’s face. He needs to not remember Harley’s family alone in Tennessee. 

He went down the stairs and followed the noise to the kitchen. There was laughter and the sounds of dishes clinking against one another. It smelt of pancakes and cinnamon and hash browns and coffee. Standing here Peter could close his eyes and pretend this was seven years in the past, with him and May and Ben. He could imagine Ben making the food and singing along to the radio with May dancing along as she sets the table. But this wasn’t 2016, this was 2023. Instead it was a finished family forced to bring him in, a harsh reminder that he doesn’t belong.

Peter stepped into the kitchen, Pepper was just finishing up breakfast and Harley was setting the table. Morgan was sitting on Tony’s lap whispering into her fathers ear. Food was laid out ready to be served, with orange juice, iced tea and coffee all in their own pitchers waiting to be poured. He moved through the room, trying to not to intrude before sitting down at the table. It didn’t take much longer for Pepper and Harley to sit down as well, Tony moving Morgan into her proper chair. 

Everyone around Peter fell into easy conversation while he stayed silent, trying to focus on his food instead of the way Morgan was starring daggers at him. They talked about their favourite family vacations and laughed at their own jokes. Peter couldn’t help but feel like he was actually sitting out on the porch. This family had five years together, five years of memories and laughter, of love and pain, and Peter wasn’t apart of any of it. He wasn’t a part of any family, his own buried and far too dead.

“Peter, what about you? Did you have any Father’s Day traditions?” 

Hearing Harley address Peter pulled him back to this world, and welcomed in his deep rooted desire to have his family back. Harley had two families now and he left one completely. Abandoned them when they came back to life. And Morgan was sitting here glaring at Peter completely oblivious to the fact that she has her entire family and how privileged she was for it.

“Well I don’t have any memories of my parents, so I don’t think there were any traditions with them. The only people I could ask about that are now dead. Unless you consider going to the cemetery to go visit your dead father you can’t remember a father’s day tradition, then no.”

The entire table stopped eating, all sounds coming to a complete end. Everyone stayed still as if Peter was some volatile bomb that would explode if anyone nearby breathed too hard. He could feel his jaw clench, as he tried to breathe in and out. It wasn’t working.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I not bring up my very dead family? Was that inappropriate to say that my father is dead I have no memories? My absolute bad! Next time I’ll consider how uncomfortable it makes everyone here. I mean jeez, Harley has a whole family in Tennessee he hasn’t seen since they reappeared. You’ve got two whole families to choose from, Harls! What an accomplishment. And Morgan, well she’s older than I was when my parents died, so she’s definitely on the right track. And wow, I got a whole second set of parents out of May and Ben. Which was great until I watched Ben die. Until I die and find out while my death was temporary, May’s wasn’t. Whenever I want to be with my family I have to go all the way back to Queens and visit the cemetery. But you all just live in the same house. So genuinely, I’m sorry for not considering your emotions about my dead family.”

“Peter...” Tony whispered, reaching his one hand out to Peter.

Peter shook his head, pulling away, he didn’t want to see the empty eyes starring back at him. He didn’t want to acknowledge the way Tony looks at him with regret and how Pepper looks at him like he’s lost. He didn’t want to see how the three that lived through both snaps always held pain in their eyes. And Peter most certainly didn’t want to see Morgan, who had no idea how lucky she is, that she was born never knowing loss.

Peter didn’t want to see a family who was pulled together in a time of pain. He wanted to see his family. Peter wanted to look across the table and see Ben and May throwing little balls of napkins at each other. He wanted to be Harley and be able to go home and see his family whenever he wants. He wanted to be Morgan and do science experiments with his parents. Peter wanted the one thing he didn’t have, something that Harley and Morgan had an abundance of.

“I don’t have a family anymore. I never got to say goodbye to May. I would give up the rest of my life to see them again. And you guys just can’t understand that. You have you family. You get to see them whenever you want. I can’t ever see mine again. I can never go home. They’re gone.”

After all, Peter was just a ghost, another person who returned, who had been dead for too long. He didn’t belong in a world of survivors. Peter was just another person long gone who no longer fits into the world around him.

-

Taglist: Ask/DM to be added

@peter-is-a-bean @jean-and-diet-coke @dead-inside-pt2 @they-were-cloudsinmycoffee @parkersjiggle @7peternotparker7 @thatonecrackheadshipper @kevinthewoman @faline4you @lynxshinon @narutoyaoifan @pastelwheeler @thecrazymarvelfan @bonjour-gays @thebestqueenoftheworld

#irondad #peter parker #tony stark #marvel #spiderman #spiderson #avengers #harley keener #mcu #morgan stark #pepper potts #post endgame #Tony lives #request #peter and harley #angst #no comfort #i’m so sorry #irondad and spiderson #iron man #everybody lives au #Peter is grieving #peter deserves better #hurt peter

[mycptsdrecovery]

TW for abuse, mental health crisis, unreality, mental hospital mention

hi im a 19 year old and still living with my parents. ive been trying to move out since august and i planned to move out by december. in late december i was not having much luck with housing and i started having memories of not so great things my parents did to me throughout the years play in my head. i rly have no idea how to explain this confusing clusterfuck of a situation in just a tumblr ask but basically i want to know if the things my parents did count as sexual abuse.

from a young age my parents didnt respect my boundaries. my parents often touched my butt (it sounds so stupid calling it that idk what else to put) in seemingly nonsexual or accidental ways, but they didnt stop as i grew older. i remember the first time that i realised i was being sexually abused (thats how i thought about it at the time, idk). i dont remember what my dad did specifically but i was 8 years old-ish, i started puberty around then because my body hates me. it was probably to do with my butt/waist/ things and my dad touching them. we were about to go in a shuttle to the airport, it was like 2am. i remember i stayed silent through whatever happened but at some point during or after i remember bursting into tears and like... thinking to myself that my dad is sexually abusing me (i dont remember where i learnt what that is) and my dad asking me what was wrong but i refused to talk because i was scared. moments like these where my dad touched me in a way that didnt feel normal and i burst into tears happened multiple times. ive felt very uncomfortable around my dad for most of my life at this point. hes the kind of dad who doesnt talk about anything hes thinking or feeling, doesnt talk much at all or have many friends. we have rarely had conversations past surface level talk thats appropriate for strangers or acquaintances so i have never known whats in his head and whenever ive tried to get him to talk with me about something serious he shuts down and leaves. hes very neglectful emotionally, though he used to sometimes fulfil his emotional duties as a parent when i was a very young child according to my mum but he stopped at some point. for a really long time ive been afraid that my dad was sexualising me in his head or sexually attracted to me. ive grown up having nightmares about my parents raping me.

here are some of the things i remember my parents doing. some memories are not easily accessable and some have not been processed as an adult.

TW

-both my parent regularly touched my butt in a variety of contexts. i never confronted my dad about it because i knew he wouldnt answer me. i have learned to only hug my parents in a specific way so that my arm is always under their arms so i can stop them from putting their hands too low.

-my dad used to put his hand on my waist and hips/lower back. he was basically doing the kind of casual touch that you would do with someone ur in a sexual relationship with. he doesnt anymore because i have stopped allowing him to spend much time with me.

-my parents, mostly my mum have touched my breasts very lightly and casually. it could be seen as accidental but my mum has never responded to my frequent requests to stop touching me like this.

-my mum showed me her vagina once as... sex ed? i have no idea if this is normal which is kinda how i feel about most of the ?sexually? themed things my parents have done.

-my mum has always commented on my body in ways that made me very uncomfortable, such as often commenting on how i would be sexually harassed because of the outfit im wearing, even the necklace im wearing.

-my mum gave me several moderately detailed accounts of sexual assaults that hve happened to her, like for instance when i was around 6-9? she used a story of a sexual assault that happened to her while in a pool to say that i be afraid in public pools. the amount of detail was very unnecessary.

-one time my mum was telling me about how boys pinch girls buttcheeks to tell them they think theyre 'sexy'. then she pinched my buttcheeks a bunch of times even though i didnt want her to. im sure she did this many times and i was literally like 5 years old or something.

-my mum talked to my sister while i was in earshot about... how she would be ok with it if i married my 1st cousin? and she named him specifically. it made me feel rly weird around him.

-again my dad has always just given me huge predator vibes and ive always been super afraid of him.

this list is definitely incomplete but i dont remember anything penetrative or to do with anyone touching my genitals.

i tried to tell someone about the "sexual abuse" twice when i was 13, both during mental ward stays about 9 or 10 months apart. the first time is completely blacked out from my memory and the second one... they told the police. my dad was questioned and nothing happened because i never wanted anyone except the nurse who i told to know and refused to tell anyone any details. i just wanted to get a weight off my shoulders. instead i got a 3 or so year long period of my mum emotionally abusing me to a degree she never had. i was almost completely convinced that i had never been sexually abused. i still dont know if its true or not. the specific term my mum used was that i "mis-interpreted" my parents actions as sexual abuse. i didnt push back, i was too terrified of her and i just dissociated to cope with those years. i was very very isolated from anyone except my mum. i wanted desperately to be a young child again and felt like one most of the time. before 6 years old was the only period where i felt like my parents actually liked me.

when i was around 15 i started sexually getting involved with older men online. i wasnt attracted to them, i didntdesire them, i just was so traumatised from... whatevrr u want to call the way my parents treated me but i didnt feel that i had the right to be. i felt like i needed to get some "real" trauma and i dont want to say what i did but im lucky that none of these men ended up meeting up with me irl at least. the fucked up thing is that though it did traumatise me, i kind of felt better because i wanted something i could feel justified in being upset about.

now im 19 and my brain is hitting me with all these memories. i havent felt safe with my parents for most of my life. theyre neglectful and emotionally abusive towards me. they abused all my other siblings physically quite a lot and two of them have moved to different countries so that they can not live in the same place they grew up in. 2 out of 3 of my siblings have completely cut ties with my parents for years now. when i was 11 i recoeved an email from my brother telling me about our parents not being safe people.

ive started to consider the possibility of the constant violation of my boundaries counting as sexual abuse. i have a lot of sexual trauma symptoms and i have for a very long time. i grew up afraid that my dad was going to rape me. i think i was abused by my mum into associating holding my parents accountable with the punishment she put me through after she found out i reported them. i just want to know if im allowed to be upset about this. im terrified that this is normal, because if its normal that means i was a gross freak as a kid who just "mis-interpreted" these actions to be sexual abuse. i need to make sense of my reality somehow. im so confused.

you absolutely have the right to be upset by this. what they did to you was not okay. an adult touching a child intentionally in inappropriate areas is molestation, even if they played it off as not a big deal. many of the things you mentioned also sound like grooming which is often a part of childhood sexual abuse. i’m so sorry these things happened to you. i hope you are safe and can find a way to not be around your parents.

[beautifuldarkmind]

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

#ask #bpd #borderline personality disorder #tw

[leavetwn]

* KAYLEE BRYANT, CISWOMAN + SHE/HER  | you know SUZIE TANAKA, right? they’re TWENTY-ONE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, EIGHTEEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to VALENTINE BY HOPE TALA like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole ROLLERSKATES SCUFFED FROM YEARS OF USE, STARTING A JOURNAL ENTRY TWO YEARS SINCE THE LAST ONE, A SIGH OF RELIEF ONCE YOU'RE FINALLY ALONE thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is NOVEMBER 28TH, so they’re a SAGGITARIUS, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( claire, 22, est, she/her )

it’s me again ! bringing a character who i’ve played for a while now, just switched up & such for every rp, and now , i’m bringin her here. :^) i hope you enjoy her as much as i do! tw: mentions of mental illness (anxiety)

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 .

full name: suzie tanaka. nickname(s): su, anything your muse wants to call her tbh. age: twenty-one. date of birth: november 28th. zodiac sign: saggitarius. gender/pronouns: ciswoman, she/her. sexual orientation: bisexual. romantic orientation: biromantic. hometown: san francisco, californio. current residence: irving, north carolina. occupation: part time waitress at cutie pie’s thanks to her skills on skates. full time student at the local college in her junior year as a creative writing major. she minors in film pro eye color: brown. hair color/style: dark brown, upper-mid back length & she usually just wears it in a simple ponytail. it’s more manageable when she’s out. however, when she’s at home, she’ll leave it down. height : 5′3″. clothing style: you can’t really put suzie’s style into one category. it’s inspired by several different eras & many times she pieces it together. some might call it a bit tacky at times, but she thinks it looks cute. to her, that’s all that matters. tattoos: none. probably could never attempt to get one cause she’s seriously afraid of needles lol. piercings: her ears and that’s when she was fairly young. reference the tattoos portion for reasoning.

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 .

when you were around six years old  , you first realized that you were lonely. it wasn’t like you weren’t around other people. it was just that those people were mostly your mom and dad. occasionally your cousins would come over sometimes, but they were all older than you by at least four years. your parents were kind of eccentric, and for that, they experienced how harsh other kids could be very early on. they decided they didn’t want you to experience the same things, so since both were felt they were prepared enough to do so, they homeschooled you to keep you sheltered from those types of things. 

you’re sure they had good intentions. that’s not something you questioned, but you wished they’d at least find another kid you could be friends with or have another kid. you found yourself bored by yourself, so you immersed yourself in things like books or whatever movies they had around the house. this is where your love of fairytales began, and you’d fantasize about living in one while you read or watched the stories unfold.

you lived in your head, and you still pretty much do. you’re an idealist, even though you haven’t seen much of the world. perhaps it’s the fact that you haven’t ventured very far from your home that makes you so, and while life could still be boring, you always had another book or movie to keep you company. you grew content being on your own, and the more that you were, the more you began to enjoy your own company.

that didn’t change the fact that you longed for friends. in all the stories you read or watched, the protagonist had one other person along with them for much of their journey. sure, you had people that you were friendly with, but it was never to the extent that you wanted. it was never a best friend or a close group  —  just someone you saw on few occasions. it also didn’t help how you felt when you were around others. the way you monitored every step you took, the way you crossed your legs, or going over the way you would speak to someone in your head over and over. you figured for the longest time it was because you were shy, but a diagnosis of anxiety gave you a lot more clarity and almost a sense of relief. those things started to make more sense.

being alone helped a lot when it came to academics. you spent a lot of your time studying or looking up random ass facts on the internet, and because of this, you’d call yourself fairly smart. you know your shit. it also helped a lot when getting into colleges. you didn’t aim too high though, not yet comfortable being all the way on your own. so, you chose the nearby university to attend. 

you move out. you’re excited, and your parents are nervous but prepared. they’re not oblivious to the fact that this day would come. you’re ready to go out and face the world, but most of all, you’re ready to make friends. you’re ready to go out and experience the world, every small step at a time. you’re convinced at college you’ll become a brand new person, find yourself, and make plenty of friends. 

it doesn’t go like that at first. of course it doesn’t. it’s a new environment, and it takes getting used to. but soon, people loosen up and warm up to you. you’re quick to make a couple of friends. it isn’t at all like the stories you’d read or watched when you were younger. it is happy and fun and joyous, but you realize that friendships take work. it’s a bit exhausting, as someone who had become such an introvert, but you manage and form close bonds. 

as of now, you are working on your degree and managing life one step at a time. you’re doing pretty well, and things are looking up. you keep your head in the clouds still to this day, imagining what the future will be like. you’re still idealistic and optimistic, not that that’s a bad thing.  

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 .

i was being exaggerative with the ‘being at home’ stuff rip. i mean, she did spend a lot of time at home, but she wasn’t always there. her dad would take her out to rockin’ and rollin’, and i mean, she fuckin rocks when it comes to skating. it was kind of freeing to her as a child. she def got a pair of rollerblades as a christmas present, and she probably was the kid skating down her neighborhood road and shit from sunrise until her mom told her to take her ass inside. 

maybe seems like she’s ditzy and she’s probably somewhat naive, but she’s definitely not stupid. she’s also a fast learner. she is, however, too nice for her own good. she’ll learn eventually, but she’s hopeful and an optimist at heart 💔

loves her dad but tells her mom everything. she doesn’t recognize it, but her mom was probably her first best friend lmaoo. they have a really good relationship. she has a good relationship with her dad too. he’s a bit more closed off than her mom, and she recognizes that but understands.

has an irrational fear that everyone’s like,,, staring at her & thinking she’s weird. really wants everyone to like her but she’s not sure how to make that happen (news flash, it won’t)

her fam is actually from san francisco but when she was 3, her dad got a better offer in irving so that’s how they ended up here. she knows this & she wonders what life woulda been like if she stayed back in san fran. probably wouldn’t have changed but she literally lives in her head and imagines shit like that’s her job at this point so yehhh 

dreams of being a screenwriter and maybe even a director one day. she saw how film and books influenced her life as a kid & she wants to have the same impact, yk? v cute to me i love that. maybe she’ll write a book one day too who knows

i’m feelin like she has a ton of online friends cause she was seeking connection /w people so it makes sense. shout out to all her online pals who kept her sane & shit, but it wasn’t enough for her cause she really wanted those kinds of things irl.

is a hopeless romantic rip to her. just wants someone to sweep her up off her feet and give her butterflies but this aint no damn fairytale so let’s make it chaotic

character parallels: lily (dash & lily, 2020) , amélie poulain (amélie, 2001) , belle in some ways lmao (beauty and the beast, 1991) more to be added.

𝐈. ━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

*  friends, best friends, etc.  — literally any friends at all. this is the connection she craves the most tbh. platonic over romantic periodt ! she just wants people to braid her hair and have deep, personal convos with about literally anything while legally blonde is on the television. 

* a bad influence  —  i mean, she stayed inside mostly & is kind of an introvert. didn’t have tons of friends either, so she didn’t really have time to go to parties, etc. BE A BAD INFLUENCE SHE NEEDS TO LET LOOSE LMAOO. it’ll prolly take a lot to get her out but hey 

* good influence  — someone she’s a good influence on & who she helps in some way. i could see it happenin’. if you see it happening, i mean... hmu you know where i am mwah 💖

* crush  — someone she’s head over heels with. i mean, it probably wouldn’t take a lot. in my head she be catching feelings way too fast. it’s just a thing, but yeah, it could go either way. maybe your character is into her too or she’ll end up getting her heart broken which is lmao bound to happen one day. could also be someone who’s crushing on her but she’s way to busy focusing all her romantic attention on someone else to notice? idk i’m just here for all the plots.

* annoyance  — someone who finds her ass annoying/does not like her. she wants everyone to like her so it would be so confusing and upsetting and she would be like wtf did i do but i want it cause i love angst. sorry to all my muses out there luv yall but i’m just bein real

* again, anything at all  — if you have an idea that you love, pls don’t hesitate to hmu and lemme know. i promise i will 99.9% of the time be down. the same goes for any wanted connection doodads that i reblog like if u see it and ur like omg i luv that... PLEASE hmu i luv u all already & just wanna have plots and write with you srsly

#irvingintro #well there u have it my last one done i am so THANKFUL AND HAPPY #takes a bow #the way it's almost 4 am see i did not lie i am up forever

[light-of-being]

On the void (aka summary of like, 5-7 years of my life lmao)

Idk if this would apply to anyone else at all but regardless. If you, like me, have a side of you with an almost-irresistible pull towards nothingness -- finding existence itself ill-fitted, false or otherwise undesirable -- manifesting in hating the fact of a physical body, infinite passivity and the desire to do nothing ever, wanting to be silent forever because words are some sort of betrayal, explicit wish for disappearance, blend into the surroundings (them posts about lying down in the forest and have the plants grow over you), etc ...or if you feel like you’re already there, a little diffuse, not sure if you exist at all...I’d invite you to at least consider it.

Strong tw for suicide and disordered eating.

The problem (and failed solutions)

For a long time, I tried to realise that desire as much as possible. I did, literally, for weeks and months, stop eating, stop speaking, even for a brief period stop moving entirely. I guess my subconscious was playing along, erasing memory, identity, perception itself. I knew it was hurting me and not a sensible thing to do, but I couldn’t not. The ideal, of course, was death, and I tried to get that too, but at some point I was resigned to living but continued trying to make it as little alive as possible. (see also: that quote from Persona)

I expect we know, it’s Bad, but it’s also the only thing that feels right, feels pure and true. Also feels...inevitable.

I spent years trying to eat normally again, because I “knew” it wasn’t working for me. And it was, like, stupid. I was endlessly frustrated because really, I know better than that, and this doesn’t need to be so hard. But if I’m being honest, I really didn’t want to. I kept hoping and trying for a way to sneak past myself and my life and find a way to still stay true to that...need. And every time I slipped, it felt like I’d found my way back where I belonged. Back with my heart, the void. Home. Where things are a little less wrong.

They talk a lot about the whole “control” thing, and I guess yeah, in a way it’s that. It’s rejection of all that’s been placed upon you, just one big “No” to living a life that’s not on your terms, that you never asked for. No, to life itself. Because none of it feels true to you and you’d rather have nothing than betray yourself. And at some point, you’d rather have nothing than...anything. It feels like passivity -- for a long time, I was like, “without influence, nothingness is the default state. doing anything is an active decision. sustaining life is an active decision. i’m just letting things be in their natural state.” But if you pay attention for a single second, it’s nothing like that. It’s stubborn af. It’s the strongest assertion you’ll ever make. (also, lol, being stationary and nothing is not the natural state of jackshit, at least not for a long time. the heat death of the universe is far away, folks. it’s precisely staying the same that requires resistance)

The thing that led to my first halfway-successful “recovery” attempt (grudgingly, still, not some magic transformation)...wasn’t any good reason that life is good and void is harmful. It was -- “what I desire is literally not a thing I can ever have”. However much I may believe it to be the ultimate good, it’s impossible. And insofar as I’m not actually there, I’m no happier for trying to approximate it. “Slightly pure” is not a thing. It’s just as miserable. It’s futile. All I do is hate myself for every way I fall short.

How does starving myself proceed, how does it end? Not even in death, not usually (I would probably have considered that okay, good even). If I “succeed” enough, it probably ends in a hospital room, being force-fed. And after that? Well, I can just go back to how it was, and have that life on repeat and maybe die somewhere along the way (or just have them not release me again). Or I can try to stop at that stage. Which I guess gives me a little while longer that I can keep up my shit before then, but like. Is that really any good? (my brain still often says yes, but let’s be real. if we can avoid the hospital that’s probably a thing we want)

That’s pragmatic thinking, though; it’s considering things within the frameworks of the world rather than keeping oneself outside of them, and void-self hates that (and I’m 99% sure that anyone who sufficiently strongly related to the previous shit in the present would’ve scoffed at that last paragraph. although some part of you probably also hated to admit it’s true. unless you’re still deep inside, in which case you probably still think you can sneak past it. spoiler alert: you can’t). And I’m sorry, void-self, I know you’d rather have literally anything else, but that is where the universe has placed you, and life isn’t easy enough to let you cop out of anything it gives you.

Void-life is more than just dysfunctional and harmful, it’s completely unsustainable and futile. You’re never going to get there. You’ll just become progressively more miserable. And you can cover your head with a blanket and try to pretend that’s not true while you keep trying, but I know that deep down, you know this. And you hate it and it hurts, and you want to run away from this, too, but...tough. Soz. There’s probably few things you hate so much as, “That’s just the way it is” and you probably just hate the world that much more for not even letting you have this. one. thing. And yeah, fuck the world. Or fuck you. End of the day, you’re probably right -- you weren’t made for each other.

So what now?

I mean, you can die. That’s always a thing you can do. And the first time I really thought this through, I was 100% ready to die rather than deal with it. But it wasn’t the void death from earlier up in this post. It was the anxiety/escapist death from the previous paragraph -- “ohmygod ohmygod I can’t accept this I’m out”. Which, personally, doesn’t generally translate into action, just extreme discomfort and running around like a trapped mouse, wanting to throw myself against the wall (unless it lasts long enough without finding an out of some sort, that it becomes standard depressive hopelessness).

Stage # the next one went like, “well...I guess dying is a thing I’ll get eventually. as such, I could get it anytime I want! eh, what the hell, i can probably fuck around a little while.” Which works, until things become difficult to handle and it becomes, “now seems like a good time.” (after this, technically there was a stage of “killing myself would hurt this person i care about and i’m committed to not doing that...i can probably hang on through it” but that’s not really relevant so i’m sweeping past it.)

But let’s say, for whatever reason, dying is not the ideal option (look, you’re reading this. if you felt this, death was probably one of your first considerations. i expect there’s some reason, however ridiculous, you haven’t successfully gotten to it yet. most of the time, void-self isn’t the whole self and the rest of you still hopes there’s a better way you can satiate it).

Okay, one last thing that I’ve noted to be common in people with this kind of thing going on before I carry on: you have weak boundaries. It sometimes feels like the things placed upon you might seep in and subsume you, and although you seek nothingness, you don’t want to be that kind of nothing (like I said, secretly stubborn af. after all, part of your desire for nothingness involves wanting to be “not that” where that is fkin everything. see also: abjection).

A possible way forward

So here’s what’s been working quite well for me (so far. it might turn into a trainwreck at some point so eh...yeah. but it has been a long time). It boils down to the exist harder and/or assurance point. It also consists of behaving a bit weirdly like you’re [at least] two people.

The main thing is: like I said above, if you’re picking this direction, it’s probably not the void-self choosing it. There’s something else to you. So here’s the plan. You feed it. You strengthen it and let it grow as close to a full person as you can. At first, this looks almost entirely like fighting against void-self and forcing yourself into the world no matter how much it complains. This is really fkin difficult and terrifying to do, and you should use any tools or support you can. This person has been hiding all this time; they’re weak and scared and don’t know how to life. But as they get stronger and develop more of a voice, it becomes easier.

Whatever fragment of this person you start out with, you should be able to identify one (1) thing they consider important or want (don’t tell me there isn’t. that’s not true. it can be as fucking stupid as you like, but if there’s nothing get your depression treated first). Start with that. As you throw them out there more, you’ll probably find more things that they like. Explore many things, stuff you wouldn’t necessarily consider or would be scared of, but you’re curious about. But try as far as possible to make this very much yours. You don’t want to feel like you’re succumbing to some external pressure. You want to feel like you’re in power; that is literally the most important part -- any non-destructive things make you feel like that are great. Take your time. (A thing that’s vaguely useful is miscellaneous advice for people rebuilding themselves after a breakup or loss, because that’s what you’re doing: rebuilding yourself. For yourself this time. Not just for survival.)

Are we suppressing void-self, trying to kill it off? No. We’re just saying it no longer gets to govern our entire lives, because it’s no good at that. It has a place, a place that will probably bring you a lot of happiness, but its place is not controlling your external life. It’s internal.

What we’re doing is giving it a caretaker. We’re giving you the ability to carve out a space for yourself where you can comfortably exist and be a person, without dissolving. But for that you need boundaries, and you need to sustain life first.

More than that, though. The person you’re building will make space for void-self to exist. Void-self doesn’t do that for you. It’s selfish. It kills that person off. It wants to be everything. That’s not fair to the rest of you. And guess what? The rest of you is great, too! It has a lot of potential. It has capabilities void-self could never have dreamed of, that you would never have dreamed of while under the control of void-self. It can bring you a lot of happiness. It has the right to exist, to take up space in your life, too. It will surprise you. This person has the magical ability to exist in the world without being fake...yes, really.

And then, when they’re all grown up, they can protect void-self from being subsumed by everything pushed onto it because they have the strength and skills to navigate real life, to negotiate and place you in situations you want rather than where the wind blows it. And now? Now they can nourish void-self. You can go off on a trip and “disappear” for all intents and purposes. You can go and lie in a field for hours. You can read poetry and do all of the things that do feel authentic to void-self. It never has to pretend to be anything ever again. You can even learn how to really express it to others (something it’d love to do but lacks the ability for). But you can also go to work the next day and feed your organism.

Will void-self be entirely happy with this arrangement? Eh...not really, not when you propose it. You will definitely encounter resistence. But, in my experience, when you actually get there, it comes to peace.

#heh this is still raw who knew #there's at least 4 of my mutuals i think this is very directly applicable to #but i don't think tagging is exactly appropriate here #so eh hope you see it #please i worry about you #but this became extremely fkin long and i'm not sure anyone would want to read #also i think i got tired towards the end and quality dropped a bunch #which sucks because that was the main part lol #anyway yeah #reflections #tw disordered eating #tw suicide #szpd #assurance #i think this is actually common schizoid treatment protocol but whatever #also as a Me i would definitely not trust it coming from some standard recommendations written by people who probably understand jackshit #anyway also #i think this was easier for me #because i was in a space where i was VERY determined #that You Will Not Destroy Me #I will be my own person if it kills me

[javis-beretta]

Babygirl

i was craving albert fluff, so here is a fake dating modern au, with my baby boy. (have you figured out that it’s my favourite trope yet?) i also can’t stop thinking of albert calling me babygirl, so there’s that. this is supposed to be set in high school, but i’m getting definite summer after senior year vibes idk. enjoy!

((tw: attempted assault near the end, but it’s not detailed at all))

You didn’t usually spend your free time in bars. The sticky countertops and weird guys were not your speed, even when you were tipsy off of the shots that Race usually ordered. You hoped this bar would be different – if you were a bar kind of person, it was exactly the kind of place you’d pick. It was new, but looked old in that gentrified, hipster way, it was walking distance from your house, so you didn’t have to worry about how you’d get home, and they served actual food, so you wouldn’t have to drink on an empty stomach. It seemed like a pretty good deal, so you and Albert had decided to meet there for dinner to check it out, but he was running late.

You really should have expected it, given that you had known him for most of your life. You met him before you could remember it – your parents had been friends, you lived a few houses down from one another, and your birthdays were just a few weeks apart, so it was almost fate that you’d become best friends. He had been a constant in your life for as long as you could remember, so you really should have known better than to be exactly on time. Albert had many winning qualities – he was funny, cheerful, the only person who completely understood you and he didn’t hurt to look at – but punctual, he was not.

You had been sitting at an empty table, looking like a lonely alcoholic and picking at your fries, for fifteen minutes, when the bartender brought you a drink that you hadn’t ordered, and motioned to a man standing at the bar. He looked young-ish, and marginally attractive, but that didn’t change the fact that you didn’t want anything to do with him. He waved, and you gave him a strained smile, twirling the straw that was in the expensive-looking drink. He got up from his seat and you stifled a groan.

By the time he made his away across the room to your seat, your smile had slipped away, and you were in a comfortable resting bitch face.

“Hey, beautiful, is this seat taken?” he said, giving you a yellow-toothed grin.

“Actually, I’m waiting for my-“ he sat down before you had a chance to finish.

“I’m Morris, and you are?”

“I’m not interested, sorry,” you answered, flatly.

“Oh, c’mon,” he cajoled, “your drink was expensive, you know.”

“I didn’t ask for that.”

“Look, just let me sit here and talk to you. We can be friends, I promise I’m real friendly.”

You rolled your eyes and pulled out your phone to check the time. Albert was now twenty minutes late, and you were considering ditching the bar altogether, if only to escape the man at your table. Although, with a type like him, you weren’t sure if he’d follow you.

“Hey, doll,” his voice was sharp, now, “I’m sure you know how rude it is to ignore someone, especially by texting.”

His eyes looked a little more menacing now, and you would be lying if you said that you didn’t feel a little nervous. You looked desperately around the restaurant, to see if you could flag a waiter or bartender’s attention.

“I’m talkin’ to you, sweetheart,” the man – Morris – snarled.

“I,” you started, not sure about what was going to come out of your mouth – the last thing you needed to do was make a guy that was already as creepy as him, angry.

Before you had to speak, someone swooped into the seat next to you, resting an arm on your shoulders. You glanced up. Albert DaSilva, knight in shining armour. He pecked you on the cheek and gave the man one of his most intimidating looks.

“Hey, babygirl, sorry I’m late, I got caught up at work.”

“Don’t worry about it, love,” you answered, quickly catching on to what he was doing.

He gave you a dazzling grin, but the look in his eyes asked silently if you were okay. You reached over and patted his knee in an answer.

“So, who’s your friend?” Al addressed the question to you, but he was levelling the man with another one of his looks.

“I’m – uh – Morris, but I was just leaving, man.”

The chair screeched against the floor as Morris quickly got up.

“Don’t forget this!” you said, giving him the falsest grin that you could muster, holding out the drink that you hadn’t touched.

Morris muttered something under his breath and looked like he was about to reply, before he glanced at Albert again, and snatched the glass away so quickly that something fruity spilled out onto the table.

You let out a breath of relief when he finally left, but Al’s hand didn’t drop from your shoulder.

“You okay?” he mumbled in your ear, his face so close to yours that you could smell his minty breath and feel its warmth on your face.

“Yeah, now that he’s gone. Thanks.”

“Hey, I’m the one who was late – no need to thank me, it’s what any good friend would do.”

He dropped his arm. You looked at him properly, taking him in. He was dressed in a regular button-down shirt and jeans, with a brown, warm-looking jacket, and the red hair that he despised (and you not-so-secretly loved) was hidden under a baseball cap. The outfit would have been nice on anyone, but on Albert, it was alluring.

He glanced around the room, looking for a waiter. His eyes met Morris’, who was still staring at the two of you with a frown. He nudged you to look, and this time you didn’t stifle your groan. Men like Morris were the worst: he didn’t respect your right to deny him, unless there was a man whose authority he could defer to.

“We’ll probably have to keep up the boyfriend-girlfriend act for tonight,” you said, grimacing.

Albert shrugged and put his arm back around your shoulders.

“S’alright. Enough people assume we’re dating, anyway, I don’t think we’ll have a hard time convincing one creep.”

The food at the bar’s restaurant was actually pretty good and Albert was such good company that you soon forgot that you were pretending to be together. His arm around your shoulder was familiar, and, when that it wasn’t there, his hand was warm as it rested on your thigh. You had to remind yourself not to get too comfortable. Albert was just, like he said, a good friend. You were not allowed to think about what a good boyfriend he would be, or how much you wished he would kiss you somewhere other than your cheek. He was a friend, your best friend, and you were not allowed to feel those sorts of feelings.

Still, your body felt a little cold at the end of the evening, when the two of you stepped out to walk home and finally dropped the act. He must have seen you shivering because he rolled his eyes and shrugged off his jacket, holding it out to you.

“How is it, that in the eighteen years I’ve known you, you still haven’t learnt how to dress for the weather?” he asked.

You stuck your tongue at him, but gratefully accepted the jacket, and not just because you knew it would smell of his cologne. It was a chilly autumn evening, and, he was right, you didn’t know how to dress for the weather.

“That’s what I keep you around for, DaSilva. You’re my personal coat rack.”

He let out a bark of laughter and nudged you gently with his shoulder, as you crossed familiar streets to get home.

“You feel like having a movie night tonight? We should appreciate Dead Poet’s Society properly before they take it off Netflix,” he asked, when you were a few minutes from his place.

“You know I’m always down to have a good cry, Al,” you grinned at him.

You texted your mom that you’d be staying over at his, and you both yelled greetings at his dad as you climbed the stairs to Al’s room. You crashed down onto Albert’s bed as soon as you got there, and he gave you a look that you didn’t recognise, his pupils a little wide, before passing you a pair of shorts that you’d left there for nights like this and an old sweater of his. You went to the bathroom to change and tried your best to ignore the scent of his cologne that clung to the warm sweater.

When you got back he was in pyjamas too, but he still had on that ugly baseball cap.

“Seriously?”, you asked, hands akimbo.

“What?”

“You’re gonna wear a baseball cap when we’re watching a movie at your house?”

He scrunched up his face childishly.

“Shut up. My hair’s been annoying me.”

You rolled your eyes and walked over to where he was sitting on the edge of his bed, snatching the hat off his head.

“I’ll have you know that some of us like seein’ your hair, DaSilva.”

He tried to grab the cap from your hands, but you held it behind your back. He groaned and reached for it again, inadvertently pulling you closer, so that you were practically straddling him. You were about to go through your regular routine for moments like this: you’d clear your throat, move back and make a joke like nothing had happened, but he put his hands on your hips, and pulled you down onto his lap. You saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. Your hands dropped the cap that had been behind your back and came to rest on his shoulders.

“Hi,” you breathed out.

“Hey,” he replied, his voice sounding scratchy and kind of… wrecked.

Almost unconsciously, you began to lean towards him. His eyes studied your face, like he was drinking in the moment. His warm breath wafted over your face and your lips almost brushed, when you heard the door swing open.

“Hey, Al, do you have my-“ you scrambled to get off Albert’s lap as his older brother Dan’s voiced boomed. “Oh shit, my bad! I’ll borrow Charlie’s charger, get back to it, kids!”

You had practically fallen off of Al’s lap and were now sitting unceremoniously on the floor. His face was almost as red as his hair, and he looked nervous, nothing like the cocky boy you knew. The silence hung in the air for a moment, with tension that could be cut with a knife, before a giggle slipped out from your lips. He stared at you, momentarily shocked, but was soon laughing too. After a while, when your laughter had finally died down, he got up and reached out a hand to pull you up. Your hand tingled where it touched his, and he held it for a moment too long, before clearing his throat and pulling away to grab his laptop off his desk. You were sure that you saw his hand clench into a fist and then stretch out just before he picked it up.

Before long, you were settled on his bed, laptop between the two of you, as you watched the boys in the cave. The moment between you was gone, but neither of you could forget it. What would have happened if Dan hadn’t walked in? As was the routine with this movie, when it came to an end, Al rubbed your shoulder while you cried and tried to stifle his own sniffles.

“God,” you said, slamming the laptop shut and sinking down onto his pillows, “why did we think it was a good idea to watch that, again?”

“We must be sadists,” Albert answered, solemnly.

The two of you drifted into a regular conversation about something stupid that Race had done at a party the weekend before, or a fact Davey had told you, or how ridiculous Katherine and Sarah were, both of you ignoring the tension that still hung in the air. You talked into the early hours of the morning, slipping under the covers at some point. Albert’s body was warm near yours, and you tried your best to resist the urge to cling to him like a koala. He was always warm, and you seemed to run cold most of the time, so cuddling with him always helped both of you reach the perfect temperature equilibrium.

The conversation lulled, and you replayed the night back in your head, as he typed something on his phone.

“Hey, Al?” you said softly, turning to look at him.

“Uh, yeah?” he answered, looking up from his phone.

“Thanks for, um, saving me from that guy, earlier.”

He locked his phone and put it aside, lying on his side to face you fully.

“Of course, Y/N. You know I’ve always got you. I hate creeps like that. If you hadn’t’ve been there to ground me, I’d probably have kicked his ass,” he said, huffing a little.

“Seriously, Al, if I had to pick a fake boyfriend, you’d be my first choice any day.”

He laughed, sounding a little rough.

“You ever think about that?” he asked in a low voice.

“Think about what?” you frowned, confused.

“Like, you and me. You know, how everyone thinks we’re dating, even when we aren’t specifically pretending to?”

You rolled onto your back, staring at the ceiling.

“I mean, yeah. I guess that’s what usually happens with boy-girl friendships. ‘Basic heteronormativity’, Davey’d call it.”

“It’s,” he searched for the right word, “weird, I guess.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, “weird.”

Albert never had trouble getting girls, or anyone, for that matter, to like him. He was cute, and funny and charming, in that confident jock-ish way. It was unbearable for you, but he usually basked in the attention. Usually, but not this time.

This time, his eyes looked a little panicky as he stood in line for the bathroom at the music festival that Race and JoJo had dragged the lot of you to. A girl, a little bit older than him, was in the line behind him. He laughed uncomfortably at something she said and flinched a little as she put an arm on his bicep. He looked around desperately and made eye contact with you, in the line for a different port-a-potty a little further away. Your feet carried you over to him, almost unconsciously.

You slipped your arm around his and squeezed in a kind of hug.

“Hey, babe,” you said, pulling the backwards cap off his head and unceremoniously plonking it on yours.

“Hi, babygirl, I wondered where you got to” he replied, with a smile that was a little more than relieved. Your heart stuttered a little at the nickname, and you made sure not to let your eyes linger too long on way he ran his hands through his hair.

You turned to the girl and flashed her a grin.

“Oh, hi, I don’t think I know you. I’m Y/N,” you said, putting out a hand to shake.

She took it reluctantly.

“Vanessa.”

“Nice to meet you,” replied, with a saccharine smile.

“Hey, babe, I think that guy you like is playing at the bottom stage soon,” you said to Al, with a grin that you hoped looked lovestruck.

He beamed at you.

“That guy I like? Awfully specific, babygirl,” he teased.

You hit him in the chest, hoping he didn’t notice the warmth creeping up your neck.

“Whatever! Just hurry up and use the bathroom, the line’s moving and I’ve been holding it for, like, an hour,” you replied, giggling and pushing him forward.

“You don’t mind if I gap into the line, do you?” you asked, turning to Vanessa.

“It’s fine. I actually have to, um, go,” she huffed, walking away, quickly.

You gave Al a discreet high five and pushed him towards the empty cubicle.

When he came out, flicking the water on his hands at you, he flashed you another thousand-watt grin.

“You know, you are an excellent fake girlfriend,” he drawled.

“Yeah, well, too bad no one wants me to be their real one,” you replied, moving towards the bathroom yourself.

You turned quickly and missed the way he seemed to deflate at the words, the smile dropping off his face, as he scuffed his Converse in the sand.

“You two make such a cute couple!”

The voice came from an old lady, standing behind a stall at the carnival you and Al were visiting. He was standing behind you, unzipping your backpack and to get a bottle of water out, and he froze at her words.

“Thank you!” you answered, hoping to end the conversation quickly.

“You remind me of my husband and I at your age, he looked at me with those dreamy eyes too,” she winked at you. “And, forty-one years later, that look hasn’t gone away! It’s how you know he’s a keeper.”

Albert was glad that you weren’t looking at him, because you wouldn’t have been able to miss the panic in his eyes.

“Well, I’ll be sure to hold onto him, then,” you replied, smiling sweetly, before giving her a wave and leading Albert away.

“She was sweet,” you remarked, arm in Albert’s, as you headed for a claw game, and that was all that either of you said about the incident.

You were not a fan of bars, but you were a big aficionado of house parties. Well, not all parties, but parties like this one, where you knew all but a few attendees. It was so much easier to let loose when you were surrounded by friends, at least for the most part.

You had stepped out onto the lawn for a breath of fresh air, when one of the only people at the party that you didn’t know, walked up to you.

“Hey,” he said, giving you a smile that looked genuine enough, “I saw you inside, but didn’t get the chance to introduce myself. I’m Hunter.”

You introduced yourself back and put out a hand to shake his. His grip was firm, but his hand was cold, and you pulled away quickly.

“I saw you dancing inside, and, you’ve got some moves on you, if I do say so myself,” he spoke again.

You almost laughed aloud. Was he serious? You had about as much rhythm as a dead fish, and you told him as much.

“It’s not about the rhythm, at all,” he laughed, although it didn’t sound very kind. “You’ve got moves,” as he said the last word, his eyes raked down your body and you felt suddenly uncomfortable.

You chuckled lightly, and muttered some excuse, turning to head inside.

“Wait,” he said, grabbing onto your wrist, with a hand that still felt like ice, “stay out here and talk to me for a moment, babygirl,” he rasped.

The pet name, which sounded like honey when it dripped from Al’s lips, sounded crass and demeaning when he said it.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” you replied, trying to pull you wrist away.

His grip was like steel, and it only tightened as you tried to pull away.

“C’mon, just stay here and talk to me, I’m real friendly,” he croaked, with a smile that was menacing.

“No,” you said, looking around desperately for anyone else, as he used his hand on your wrist to pull you into his chest. He reeked of alcohol and sweat and didn’t look friendly at all, from up close.

His grip was so tight that you were certain you would bruise, and suddenly, he was pulled away from you. You were confused for a second, and then you saw Albert on the ground, pummelling him.

“She said no, asshole!” he was shouting, acidly, along with more colourful language.

Race was pulling him off, the guy was stumbling away, and Albert was panting and cradling his hand, breathless. You barely processed what was going on – it had all happened so quickly. Even with his bloody knuckles, Albert raced to you.

“Are you okay?” he asked, lowly.

“Yeah, I-I’m fine, now,” you uttered. “Are you okay?”

He laughed, drily.

“I’ll survive.”

“I think we should get inside,” Race called, from the doorway – when had he moved to the doorway?

You followed Albert, who tried to hide the way he held his hand. Whether it was for his bravado, or your peace of mind, you didn’t know. You dragged him to a bathroom before he could protest, and sat him down on the closed toilet, rummaging around for a first aid kit.

“Are you sure that you’re okay?” he asked, quietly.

You turned back to him, a bottle of disinfectant in your hand.

“You’re worrying about me while you’re sitting there, bleeding all over the bathroom floor?”

“Well, yeah,” he started to stand up, and you gently pushed him back down by the shoulders. “You almost got assaulted by a random creep, I should have been there to protect you.”

You gently took his hand in one of yours and started to wipe at it with a ball of cotton wool dipped in disinfectant. He flinched a little and swore under his breath.

“You’re my best friend, Al, but you can’t look after me all the time.”

“I know,” he said, “but I just wish that I could. I wish guys like him didn’t exist.”

“Trust me, we all do.”

You finished cleaning the blood off one hand and moved on to the other, gently wiping at his knuckles, apologising softly when he flinched from the sting. You cradled his hands for a little after you had cleaned them, and they were still warm in yours.

“Looks like surface cuts, mostly, but I wouldn’t go around punching any other creeps any time soon,” you joked, still studying his hands.

He stood up, quickly, and his body was nearer to yours than you had expected. You were still holding his hands, carefully, and your eyes were trained on them.

He pulled one hand away and cradled your cheek. He moved it down to your chin and lifted your face to look at him.

“I’m okay, I promise,” he whispered.

“Okay,” was all you could say, “that’s good.”

“You know,” he continued, “when I came outside to look for you and saw that guy, holding you, and you looked so…” he trailed off. “I just saw red, I couldn’t deal with the thought of you getting hurt.”

“Well, I’m not hurt, Al, thanks to you.”

“You’re my best friend, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

You huffed, and dropped his hands, moving away.

“What’s wrong?” he faltered, momentarily confused.

“I just – is that all we are, Albert? Because I always feel like there’s this… something else between us, and I just need to know if I’m imagining it,” the words spilled out before you could stop them.

He moved towards you.

“Y-you’re not imagining it,” he mumbled, “I – it’s there for me, too.”

You grasped his hand again, and his thumbs brushed over your skin.

“Well, what do we do with it?” you asked, eyes studying his face.

“This,” he answered, and in an instant, he had dropped your hands and was gripping your face.

His lips moved against yours, and yours against his. Your hands moved up to his hair, grasping at the roots and tugging lightly. You smirked against his lips when he let out a little moan, and he pulled away a moment later, moving to your jaw, and kissing along it, leaving you gasping his name.

“Albert, wait,” you started, and he pulled away to look at you, pupils wide and lips pink.

“Yeah?”

“I – this isn’t just hooking up, right?”

He laughed, and your heart dropped for a moment, before he pulled you against him in a hug.

“I don’t think I’m capable of just hooking up with you, to be honest,” he said, against your ear.

You sank into the hug and let him hold you in his arms, carefully, like you were something precious.

“I think I love you,” you whispered into his ear, holding onto him for dear life.

He pulled away and held you at an arm’s length, studying your face as though he couldn’t believe you without seeing you. His knees felt a little weak, but he gave you a cocky smirk, and you wanted to kiss it off him and leave him breathless.

“Well, I know that I love you, babygirl.”

You beamed and pulled him back down to kiss you again. Babygirl. That nickname would be the death of you, but, as his lips moved down and kissed at your neck, you decided that it wouldn’t be a bad way to go.

TAGLIST: @bencookisagod @broadwayandbookblog @theygivesyawhateveryouwant @crazymecjc

#albert dasilva x reader #albert dasilva #newsies x reader #newsies fanfiction #newsies: the musical

[thatkevinfrom1d]

25th February 2022.

TW: war talk

This war going on with Russia and Ukraine is kinda scaring me, because if it gets to the point where Ukraine will be needing help from other countries, including Croatia then Russia is going to attack us too and I won't like thay. Hell I probably wouldn't even survive. I feel so sorry for people in Ukraine. This shit that's happening to them right now is terrifying to just watch from TV, I can't even imagine how it must feel to be there, to watch people you live die in front of you and knowing that you can't do anything to save them now. It must be THE WORST feeling ever. I heard from my mom that 14yr old girl was killed by Russia' army while she was riding her bike. I can't even imagine how i would feel finding someone I love dead on their bike in the street, I'd probably start crying, throwing up, screaming from sadness even if I didn't know person. How must it feel to her family, friends, close ones? I don't understand why must they hurt and kill innocent people, like what's the point? You don't get anything from killing those people except leaving their close ones sad and traumatised and other innocent people living in fear they might be next. So many people are going to be traumatised by this war, there already are I'm sure little kids who can't stop ahaking nor crying from fear of everything they saw or heard. Why can't there be any less-aggressive way to Putin to get things he wants. I'm scared because what if this thing happens in Croatia too. So many people I love would die, I myself would probably die too. How'd people feel if i died? I don't know, only thing I know is that I don't want to die this was nor do I want anyone I live being dead after this war happening ends. I just want this to end, like now.

TW: mention of self hate, suicidal thoughts

Today my mom woke me up because from today to 14th March she has free days. God please save me. I went to second hand shop with my grandma and mom, i bought myself brown jeans, beige pants and cool brown jumper. I feel like my relationship with mom is going more and more back to what it was before, I'm trying my best for it to not be that way again but I'm just so tired of everything. Don't get me wrong I'm happy and enjoying my life really, I'm going out everyday, have good relationships with mom and brother, everything is so much better. But maybe that's what's exhausting me so much. I'm exhausted from trying so hard to enjoy. But it's okay at least I don't want to kill myself anymore. Today afternoon I went to city with Lara. Both of us obviously didn't bring money so we just walked. We were in bookstore, and gosh why do I always forget money when I go to bookstore? We also went to crystals shop and then we walked home and talked. I really like Lara, she's one of best people I know, she's gorgeous on inside, she cares about people and she makes you feel safe and loved, she makes you feel like you're worth something good and I'm so thankful for that, she's funny, brave, not ashamed, smart, clever, loyal (she likes to gossip tho) and basically everything you need to make a good friend, she's also really pretty on outside, her eyes are so fricking beautiful and her smile is the one that makes you happy when you're sad. I just wish she saw herself taht way to, it breaks me to see her hating herself after hee being one of the reasons I stopped hating myself. I try to be here for her and show her she's worth everything but I've never been good at showing my emotions and I'm extremely sorry about that now.

TW: talk about personality (idk may be triggering)

Today while walking I thought about how people in books, shows, fanficions... who have personality like me are considered crazy, unrelatable and unrealistic. I tend to lie about things that should not be lied about, like in no-need-to-lie-about-that lies way. I tend to lie about things to amke myself cooler, funnier, more noticeable or just for the sake of lying. I don't know why I do that and I've been trying to stop but I feel like noone will love me if I don't lie, like I'm not going to be anything special in anyone's life, just a phase. I also tend to jump from one thing to another very often, it's liek my mind is circus, nothing here is under control. I don't know how to explain it but I also need people to be calm with me all the time because whenever someone yells at me, even just a little, I'll start thinking that they don't like, accept or need me, like they've been nice to me all this time just out of pure pity. I don't know why it's liek that, I never did and I want to find out, maybe then it'll stop being that way. Who knows?

TW: mention of ED

On evening I showered, watched news with mom, ate sandwich (I'm overcoming my ED, I'm so proud) and then later ate strawberries with my brother. I watched s2 e7 of euphoria and s3 e2, e3, e4 of Anne with an E today and read 49th chapter of Choices. I wish I had more time for myself but I can only watch or read stuff I wnat over night so it's kind of hard to have that much time and not get depressed again.

Here's the photo of me and my friend from today i drew because I was bored and why not.

Sincerely Toni.

P. S. - I'm really sorry about all the spelling and grammar mistakes but English is not my first language and I'm too lazy to check on spelling mistakes.

[choric]

( park jimin - demimale, he/they ) — did you see noeul han walking down the street? the twenty-three year old has lived here for three weeks. i heard they’re an aspiring painter & a part-time barista now, time sure flies. gooey by glass animals always did remind of them, maybe it’s because they’re so audacious & charitable. though i did hear they can also be commanding & capricious if you catch them on a bad day.

hey babes drum-roll it’s admin fany here to welcome yall~ with some random info about me I guess uh so I’m 26, living in northern europe, most of the time dying bc I’m not made for these hot ass summers, other times just being distracted twelve times outta ten jsyk I’m not ignoring anyone my attention span is just in the negatives. or I’m playing overwatch. or subnautica when I’m feeling particularly masochistic.  would drop dead without tea. ye. that’s all for today folks

anyway here’s Noeul’s profile if you wanna peep also a very messy plot page aaaand I’m gonna ramble about him now uwu

tw: emotional abuse, tw: assault ( kinda brief mentions, esp the assault, I tried keeping it safe )

born in Seoul but his family moved to USA when he was barely 6. they moved around a l o t since then but stayed within the borders. save for one weird year in France back in 2010

he haTED it. all the constant moving around and starting at new schools with new people trying to get new friends and find new hobbies and leaving pretty much everything behind so often just stressed the hell out of his young self and he was in a perpetual state of over-emotional about the whole ordeal and angry and bitter and yeah. not having a good time

over the years he managed to find ways to cope with it, drawing and painting being a major thing as it was one of very few things he could just continue without any special arrangements made or it feeling different. putting all that bent up negativity on paper was helpful in itself so he stuck with it without much thought then, clinging into a lifeline of one constant in a sea of variables

later on it morphed from being less of a therapeutic activity and more one of him being able just flow with creativity, paint with a less personal agenda and enjoy it way more too ( not to say he doesn't still use it as a form of escapism too )

reading was another thing he found enjoyment in, especially during his early teenage years. that is something he doesn't engage that often in anymore however

his parents didn’t really care about what hobbies he took on ( even with painting carrying throughout the years he ended up trying a whole slew of other things too ) until it became apparent he was actually considering art as a legit career path. neither agreed it being a good idea but they didn’t flat out deny him either.. just were very patronising about it for months and by that time he had come to actual decision of going through with it out of pettiness alone lmao. which of course served nothing but to legit piss them off and led to a number of arguments they still have to this day yikes

his parents entire view on life seemed to be there was no point getting attached to anything, sentimentality was a flaw and you could just buy everything you needed again without much care for what was left behind. especially his mom had a lot of emotionally abusive ways to steer his life in the direction she wanted, but giving just enough freedom for him to think he had a say in anything. not to say she wasn’t supportive and encouraging too but he honest to god can’t tell now how much of it was genuine. she was especially fond of using subtle blackmail in form of referring to her own feelings and how his actions will upset her, occasionally bursting into a loud tirade which was then quickly pushed to the side without any apologies for making him in turn upset so boy was always just on edge. this still happens but he pretty much only communicates with her through calls anymore so, Noeul just hangs up when she starts acting up. his dad was more the type to not involve himself into his hobbies and likes or anything at all he only cared about academic plans.

that all messed him up big time in his younger years bc he was inherently just very attached to everything and everyone but now.. it’s almost the complete opposite, enough repetition and shit will stick I guess cause he has next to no sentimental feelings towards anything, in turn actually loves travelling and meeting new people now. partially also cause he doesn’t feel obligated to uphold anything or allow himself being chained down, he treats everything like it’s fleeting, but not without care– don’t assume he doesn’t care when that’s something he does in abundance actually. he just.. accepts nothing lasts forever. ironic enough he’s adopted far too many of his parent’s habits to count now but has grown more tender with the experiences rather than cold. probably a miracle in itself. hella guarded about his feelings tho

so yeah he moved to LA ( parents were at the time both living in NYC ) for art school and got that bachelor of fine arts degree, graduating just spring last year and has no desire to further those studies cause screw school he’s done with institutions for a decade

also his parents filed for divorce while he was at it. before he was even done with freshman year. wasn’t all too surprising nor did he have anything to really say about it, except the times mom called him whilst drunk and essentially blamed it on him being a bad son :/// his dad’s fucked off somewhere he hasn’t heard whole lot from him in last three years beside birthday texts and money transfers to his bank account. and subtle messages through mom about how he expects him to clean up one of these days. meanwhile mom mostly contacts just to check he’s alive & doing well financially while slipping in vague ‘if you would have just listened to me‘s and ‘when will you come to your senses’s >_>

forgot to mention his dad’s a CEO of a small airline company. don’t ask me what his mom does idk prob some manager of a huge ass successful online shop?? something along those lines

will not speak about them if asked tbh don't expect anything other than "they're alive."

does not like announcing his ( their ) wealth to the world either and tries not to make decisions that could reflect that but something always has to give in the end. like he’s just way too happy to blow money on other people no matter how subtle he tries to be about it and often like his parents buys new stuff instead of finding ways to bring his old along, some of his clothes are also a dead giveaway it’s not so much that he specifically purchases anything cause it’s designer but if it looks nice he doesn’t see it as any different buying from any other store around. smells awfully lot like privilege but he’s unapologetic in getting exactly what he wants, it’s not his problem if someone takes offence to that

kind of also hates that he’s so dependant on parent’s money still but has made peace with it by giving away and works twice as hard for his own stuff, regardless if it yields anything cause he’s not doing this whole painting thing as a means to gain money ( would like to, but alas, it’s a tricky career path ) more from pure passion for the art

and noeul def is not gonna tell them to stop sending him cash he'll just have fun spending it in all the shit they'd hate-- even if they've basically set conditions but weird enough haven't cut him off yet.  guess that really is the only thing they can give him and they know it too :)) 

so. doesn’t actually like sitting idle even tho he all but could, yet cannot happily place himself in an establishment with very strict 9 to 5 shifts and such, so if and when he takes on extra work occasionally it’s always part-time, and for own personal gratification

in the case of him recently taking on a spot as a part-time barista here in acarike ( started like, two days ago or something ) was also bc of keeping up appearances ( surely he would run out of money eventually? no, but no one needs to know that ) and getting to know some of the people around since his group of road-tripping friends have seriously decided to settle in

if anyone was wondering yes he has experience working in cafes, among other places. his parents abhorred him taking on such jobs at all cause “what was the point? are we not providing enough?” first of all did he ask?

I guess he is currently residing in the stardust motel?? but is looking for a place

for him travelling in the past few years has been sorta cathartic, inspiring if I dare say both in personal growth and in his work since he can decide on everything by himself, where he wants to go, for how long, for why etc

sometimes likes when he has company for that, other times he just needs to make a trip in solitary. altogether prefers meeting random people along the way

is a kind of odd friend, loyal, compassionate and all that but puts himself before anyone else. or rather puts his emotional and other needs before everything else. if he feels you’re the one getting more out of it than he is it’s not worth it sorry. very generous tho and sees it as his duty to help others in any way if it doesn’t inconvenience him. not unreliable but available only when it suits him. so unless it’s life threatening or emotional distress he will not drop everything for even a friend’s sake you can wait an hour or two. can make friends as quick as he drops them

might get a little inappropriately affectionate with friends. especially so when intoxicated

is an even weirder lover. he loves the idea and feeling of being in love and the emotional thrill of it. relationships are fun yeah but commitment?? not in his. vocabulary. to elaborate he lives for the push and pull and the suspense of it all and needs things to stay stimulating on all levels across the board when deepening relationships further while also being able to maintain a sense of own freedom. he craves the sort of emotional security and gratification it all brings but refuses to become dependant on it ( he knows how that will go ), furthermore does not like all the limitations it brings nor everything being perfect to the point of feeling fake??

tries to make it clear that he’s NOT looking for anything long term but even then people haven’t taken it well when he out of the blue announces they should stop whatever it is they’re doing. he always feels bad about it and tries to part in good terms but yeah :// many hearts have been broken. it’s probably even worse for the other person cause Noeul himself seems to have absolutely no problem continuing his life like nothing happened. all this has made him into a bit of a serial dater??

in whole he takes everything as they are, nothing is everlasting and he doesn’t try to make it so, doesn’t necessarily want to. values experiences but doesn’t get too hung up on letting go of them. including relationships. this is something a lot of people in his life wont understand and it’s frustrating for everyone involved sometimes but you gotta do what you gotta do. might be scared of opening up to people. of that attachment. maybe he’s actually just picky and is waiting for something out of the world magical who knows

repels all negativity as if his life depended on it like. add begone thot meme here

but can also be very confrontational so???

is actually in constant war with himself over positive and negative emotions but filters that out pretty handily. most of the time. cause uh absolutely will turn vicious and loud when angry. sensitive to criticism and personal attacks but gets over it quick enough. does hold grudges but mainly towards people whose opinion he cares about. strangers rarely phase him. has random emotion™ bursts but tbh only cries when being shouted at and/or being target of someone’s wrath-- OR when noeul's angry himself?? also lowkey dramatic but most of the time he’s just sorta chill and cheery, occasionally sarcastic but in a good-natured way he doesn’t mean ill with it. has very strong opinions on some things but doesn’t care if someone else sees it differently. as long as they’re not saying their way is the only right way. or if their reasoning is utter bullshit which he will call out then :))

negative people just make him laugh. will not take your ass seriously at all if you’re being a douche. used to take offence to these kinds of people all the time but he’s grown out of it and learned to simply ignore people who don’t deserve the time of his day. at least outwardly.

similarly used to be very.. well. lets say prone to letting people control and push him around cause that’s what he had learned to accept but whoo boy when he finally figured it out and took the reigns into own hands no one could stop him try it bitch

likes doing things in own terms in general, need for control has kinda taken off so will not take kindly to being ordered around in any manner. tries not to impose on other people or be pushy himself but cannot stand indecisiveness so. it happens. for better or for worse

in tune with his surroundings and current community of people if something’s off he can sense it and it will bug him to no end before it’s fixed. this could be anything from his room being in disarray to something going on in the city in whole

I ain’t saying he’s a psychic but actually stupid intuitive most cases WILL see through your bullshit don’t even try

…ok but lowkey into supernatural stuff and spirituality all that jazz he’s gone through it all while trying to find himself– which is a whole another can of worms we ain’t opening here

did I forget to mention noeul and co ( minho & jae ) rolled into town in this shiny big rv. he's def looking to buy a smaller car to drive around

not too keen on giving rides to strangers since this one time two summers ago that went south real fast when a guy pulled a knife on him. has a pretty big scar to show for it on his right side? tummy?? there’s a pic in the profile page if you’re curious. he jokes about it now "it adds character" but is actually terrified of that happening again so perpetually jumpy minho blames himself for it cause he's dumb

you can prob hear him coming 5 miles away with the amount of jewellery he adorns

don’t get me started on his wardrobe it’s a mixed bag and then some. gender norms belong into the fiery pits of a volcano

is equal parts a tea & coffee enthusiast basically lives off that stuff. i'm probably not even exaggerating here boy forgets to eat when he gets focused on something and just wolfs down a pot of coffee.

obsessed with watermelon flavoured lollipops probably has one on him at all times somehow magically pulls them outta thin air??

you can prob find him painting outside in the randomest places when the weather's nice

likes painting on people probably as much as painting them

it’s not an intimacy thing I swear. but. can be?? probably accidentally turns that way that’s just how he is

prefers either to focus on faces ( eyes specifically ) or nude models in general fcking @ him

this. is so long already I’m sorry omg

and that’s all I got my brains’ fried over this all but yo come plot with me pls also check my plots maybe orrr if you want me to check your plots ( I’d love to!! ) come poke me ay ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

#acarike:intro #i am physically incapable of keeping these things short #hands out cookies to anyone who read through all that bless your heart #cake gif bc CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!

[sugarfreeslushies-blog]

Practice makes perfect?! { Michael Mell x Reader }

A/N: This is based on an AU Fic I’m currently developing, it’s slightly based on Wadanohara and the Great Blue Sea (more like, I got inspired by the soundtrack to write it) ; I might make this multichapter, maybe not, I’ll see. The full work would be way darker, this is a more lighthearted version, to be honest.

Quick rundown, Reader is a Royal, Michael is their childhood crush (and Jeremy is their childhood friend??), this is sent in a Fantasy-ish setting with ~magic~ , the original game plan was Jeremy/Reader for this AU but this scenario fitted better for Michael/Reader, so idk, in this AU they are in a Poly Relationship? I’m not sure, it was a wild idea of mine.

TW; light injuries (nothing serious) ; swearing

Wordcount: 1,871

Fresh, salty air fills your nose and you take a delighted sigh. You adore your little, secret spot by the cliffs.

Here, you usually are alone, here is your place to blow off some steam and be for yourself.

The only noise you're having here, is the more or less vigerous crashing of the waves against the rocky cliffs beneath you and today, there wasn't much noise.

You were thankful for that, it was exactly the calmness you needed today since you weren't feeling your exact prime today.

Grazing your fingertips against the rough and dry periderm of the tree you were leaning against, your gaze goes to the Horizon. The Ocean is glistening like a sea of diamonds and pearls under the bright sun, the waves move soft and easy today.

Shifting your view to the harbour of your hometown you see a countless amount of ships, the small ones of the fishermen and bigger ships, from foreign kingdoms, you suspect.

All in all, there should not be anything to be upset or worry about. Today, is a mellow and beautiful day, a day that should be lived without any worries.

You know better though, there will be a banquet soon, where way too many royals from other kingdoms would be attending, you'd be under stress to keep up a good posture and make your family name appear in a good light-

„{Y/N}?“- You scoff a little, how come you imagine the voice of your childhood friend and crush, the son of the Royal Judge and a mere Swordsman, Michael M-

You feel a nudge on your shoulder and a shriek escapes your mouth, you scramble and grab the nearest object to defend yourself with against the intruder. Your magical powers were limited to a pitiful amount,

A wooden stick. Panting you begin to actually register who is standing infront of you. The dark haired boy looks just as terrified as you, he has stepped a bit back, not to be too threateningly close to you.

The stick drops from your grip and you quickly get up.

„M-Michael, oh god, I'm so sorry“, you begin to apologize to the recovering boy, who just nods a little irritatedly and starts to make gestures, showing you to calm and most importantly, slow down.

He finally clears his throat and speaks up, „{Y/N}, hey, uh, it's okay? I guess? I mean, you tried to attack me with a stick just now, but, uh, really it's cool.“ His expression is still a little twisted into a confused and threatened one but he recovers.

A comforting smile graces his lips and it makes your heart sing.

It relieves you to hear he isn't mad at you for your childish move.

„So“, he begins again, motioning you to sit down with him again, you note, he made the time to see you and it honours you, „What's wrong {Y/N}? When I saw you in town this morning, you seemed pretty low.“

Totally ignoring his question, you shoot „How did you find me here?“ right back at him. He sighs and runs his hand through his short, dark hair.

„{Y/N}, you know you told me about this place before, right?“

Oh, you do remember telling him about it, Michael is intelligent and doesn't forget things like these too easily.

A sigh escapes your lips and you nod slowly. The boy deserves his explaination now.

„Actually, yeah, I'm not feeling too good right now“, you reply and fumble a little with the sleeves of your navy tunic. You're glad he's here with you and is willing to listen to you.

„You probably heard of the upcoming banquet, yeah? Well, it kind of stresses me out, you know how shitty I am with magic and I definitely do not want to cast a negative light onto my parents' name.“

Towards the end of your vent, your voice gets quieter and you drop your head so your forehead touches your knees.

„When's the banquet exactly, I kind of forgot“, he inquires and you feel his eyes on you.

„In about a month from now on“, you reply and you furrow your eyebrows and return his look, „Why are you asking?“

„I, uh, I might want to help you feel more secure with your magic?“, as soon as he finishes his sentence, your eyes grow a little wider. Was he serious?

„You, you would honestly do that?“, you pressed on, a hopeful and slightly fearful glint in your eyes.

„{Y/N}“, he begins, dragging your name a little, you swear you can make out an amused glint in his eyes as well as an expression of „if-i-wouldn't-be-honest-i wouldn't-suggest-it“. So you interprete it as his way of telling you „Yep, I'll help you“.

You feel the dread slightly churn in your stomach. He's honest, he wants to help you.

'God', you think and look a little longer at Michael's features, his striking dark eyes that are framed by his glasses always catch your attention, 'He's so amazing for wanting to do this but-'

„Michael, listen, I don't think I can do this“, you speak this part aloud, insecurely wrapping your arms around your legs. Your gaze dips to the horizon again as the boy speaks up again and catches your attention.

„{Y/N}, listen, we're going to try at least, alright?“, he encourages, flashing a gentle smile at you, „Also, I've been told it's supposed to rain soon, so I think, this would make the perfect opportunity, right?“ After a short moment of self doubt, you nod slowly.

There's no going back now. You realize, albeit a bit too late.

It is raining almost endlessly now, you don't know if you were delusional, but you swear to have heard the growling of thunder sometime or saw a lighting in the sky.

You and Michael made your way to a glade in a forest nearby your hometown, so the two of you could peacefully practice. It was and is still beyond you how you had honestly agreed to this. Maybe you agreed in the heat of the moment, because you didn't want to feel like a wimp infront of your crush or for the honour of your family, but now it is official and you are here alone with the dark haired boy.

Despite your insecurity about the current situation, you take a deep breath. You assure yourself with the thought that rain makes your magic stronger, thus making you more capable of performing it. You will not be totally screwed.

Michael Mell is one of the mages, that used electric energy as their magic. It’s common for children to adapt this kind of magic, since it is the easiest to deal with. Though you swore, that something about the way Michael expressed his seemed special and unusual to you.

It’s a small misfortune that the dark haired boy’s powers are enhanced during this weather too.

You see him open his palms, small, white flashes already zapping from it and you feel your legs tremble slightly. 'Now would be a good time to turn around and just make a run for it', you note and actually consider it for a moment.

However, you decide to keep your shit together. It was definitely not in your interest to look like a weakling infront of the guy you have been somehow into since childhood.

Oh no, you would not go down without a fight, even if you'd totally get your ass kicked in the process. It had been clarified that neither of you would purposely hurt the other and if either asked to stop the fight, it would done, no exceptions.

You mirror his movement, your palm slowly opens as well and as soon as it does, you see raindops shoot together to a ball of water just inches above your hand. A confident smile graces your lips as you send the ball flying in Michaels's direction. He charges his attack the moment you do, both collide.

The waterball you had formed doesn't stand a chance against Michael's flashes and explodes at the impact. You frown as the water splashes to the ground right infront of your feet.

A wave of disappointment rushes over you. You had expected better.

It would have been great to successfully charge an attack, you think a little bitterly.

All of a sudden, an idea comes to your mind.

'How long would it take for me to control and channel the rain so it would come down on him like a wave?', you feel like it is a silly idea.

Indeed, in the end you don't get to make your plan reality. It is a little bit too far fetched for your current level of handling your magic, anyway.

You are put into mild discomfort since you feel that Michael is slightly trying to sabotage you here. It's illogical he would and in fact, he isn't. You know that, but you can't help but feel like that.

The both of you do fight a little and even that surprises you. Michael never seemed like the guy to use his magic for anything other than practical purposes. He helped repairing lamps in the castle and among the folk, he makes sure certain machines run well.

On the street he shows tricks to kids, who are yet to learn to use n

His caringness warms your heart. 'Michael Mell is a wonderful person', you hear and you whole-heartedly agree everytime. If the possibility was handed to you, you would get more involved with him, actually date him.

He even shows tricks to children on the street, who have yet to learn which magic they can control best.

The realization that it probably would never work out anyway, clouds your head and takes away your awareness of the situation for a moment, a moment that ends critically for you.

You are struck by an attack. A loud pained groan errupts from your throat as you collapse to the ground. While you are panting and try to blurr out the pain from your leg, you feel a soft touch on your shoulder. Michael kneels down besides you and you can sense his alertedness.

„Oh my god, {Y/N}“, he sounds horrified as he looks softly touches your arm, „I'm so sorry, I swear to god, I really did not want to hurt you.“

He stutters out a few more apologies until you look at him. There is still a pained look in your eyes, but you try to keep it together. „I-it's okay“, you press out through your teeth, „I-I can handle it, it's probably just a gash, you, uh, didn't get me properly I suppose.“

„Still, we need Jer to look over this, alright?“, he speaks, you just agree under your breath and immediately inhale some air sharply as you feel him wrap an arm around your waist and ordering you to put an arm around his neck. „I can't teleport, so, uh, we need to walk.“

You oblige, already worrying about how to get to the Healer and most importantly, how your further „training sessions“ are supposed to look like.

You quickly come to the conclusion you don't know. You're not a fortune teller, afterall.

#Michael Mell #BMC Michael Mell #BMC Michael #Michael Mell x Reader #BMC Musical #Be More Chill #Be More Chill Musical #BMC AU #BMC Imagine #Fanfiction #Fantasy AU #Alternate Universe #AU

[fairycosmos]

--TW EATING D. --idk why but i keep convincing myself i dont have and ED?? like i fast for hours and then binge like crazy. there was one time i did a ''water fast'' for 6 days. i didnt eat for 6 days. no one in my family said anything but like that is fucking alarming??? no one fucking does that. i also cant recognize my body sometimes. mirrors makes me suicidal. im sorry idk what this is. i just feel totally insane. btw PLS DONT ANWSER THIS IF IT MAKES U FEEL BAD or triggered ILYSM

:(( fuck i’m sorry babe, that sounds so painful and stressful holy shit??? i can’t imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment, god. i’m honestly proud of you for dealing with it all so far. it counts for a lot that you’re still trying and that you’re still here. to me it seems like even though you go through phases of convincing yourself you don’t have an ED, you still have a caliber of self awareness and on some level, you want to be helped. that’s a genuinely good thing. hang on to that as much as you possibly can. i mean, you’re sending this ask, right? even that’s a good start. and you know it’s fucked up/dangerous not to eat for six days, you know mirrors shouldn’t make you suicidal, you know this isn’t healthy or right. you have to treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend if they were going through what you’re going through. force yourself to take on that perspective, so you don’t get trapped in the ED’s lies. even if your mind tries to convince you otherwise, try your hardest to stay grounded in the facts of reality: you’re in a very unhealthy place right now, you’re doing serious damage to your body and you can’t trust your brain when it tells you not to eat, or that you’re gross, or whatever kind of bullshit it spews at you. it is actively trying to sabotage you. it wants you to feel depressed and alone because that makes you easier to control. you don’t have to fully buy into it. you are stronger than you will ever fully realize. i’m not saying you have to suddenly start eating normally again, obviously. i’m not saying you have to have everything figured out - it’s ok not to know what to do. i get that ED’s and logic don’t go together very well. but it’s about making small, positive changes, right? eating half a snack. disconnecting your worth from your body in your head. and above all, reaching out. making the active choice to put a stop to this before it’s too late. it’s in your control, not the eating disorder’s, but yours. 

and listen i’m really fuckin pissed off and kind of appalled that your family didn’t notice that you didn’t eat for so long. that’s insane. and you deserve so, so much more than that. your ED will probably use it as an excuse - if no one noticed, you can continue, right? if no one cares, why should you, right? but that’s just another form of toxic thinking that is going to kill you in the end. i don’t know why your family is so oblivious to your struggles, but it’s not a reflection of you or because of anything you did. it’s not your fault. and it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to deny yourself the help that that you very clearly need. are you still in school? if you are, i think it’d be a really good idea to talk to a teacher or the counselor about what’s going on. if that’s not an option, maybe call a hotline or look into mental health resources in your community, such as support groups. (there has to be something, there will be, if you seek it out.) or go to your regular doctor and let them know that you need help, even if you have to tell someone in your family first in order to do that. fucking scream it at them if you have to. you don’t have to be quiet about this anymore, you don’t have to accept what you’re doing to yourself. i know you don’t want to talk. i know every part of you is rejecting this idea. but i’m trying to be straight up, and i’m trying to stop you from doing any more serious harm to yourself. it’s over. you don’t want to live like this anymore, and you don’t have to. but the way to achieve that is by seeking the professional guidance that you need. going to long term counseling/therapy, learning simple coping mechanisms and thinking patterns, developing a care plan to make sure you’re getting the nutrients you need even when it feels like the most impossible thing in the universe. all of those things will let you breathe again. no matter how scary they are at first. the bottom line is this: you don’t deserve to live a life that is controlled by food and anxiety and self consciousness. there is so much more to you, and to the world, than that. i promise, you don’t have to hurt yourself physically to show that you’re hurting emotionally. you can communicate instead, and it will be okay. you’re not alone, i swear. so many people have been where you are at the moment, so many people have felt what you’re feeling. you don’t have to act like your only otpion is fighting this by yourself, alright? your family isn’t your only option. seriously. this isn’t a sustainable way of life, man. it’s going to end one way or another - you might as well make the right choice and put your mental health first for once. please, please consider it for now. even just calling a hotline anonymously will give you some sort of idea of what to do to help yourself in the future. you’re not going to regret opening up to people, especially professionals, but you WILL regret hurting yourself to such an extreme extent if you don’t at least try to stop. it’s alright for it to take a lot of time and energy. it’s supposed to a be a process. and you’re allowed to feel however you want to about it - angry, scared, sad, exhausted. register all of, let it wash over you. and do your best to cope in a healthy way. as long as you don’t let these temporary thoughts/emotions control whether or not you talk to someone. you know logically what you need to do. please attempt to do it when you’re ready. i’m rooting for you so much. i know you’re capable. i believe in you and your ability to get through this with all of my heart and soul :( i hope you’re okay. sending my love. if you want to talk more about it, or if you need a friend, please message me anytime. i’m always here.

https://www.verywellmind.com/things-to-stop-if-you-have-an-eating-disorder-1138275

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/eating-disorder-treatment-and-recovery.htm

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips/overcome-negative-thinking

#tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #tw starving #anon

[tswatch]

tw for suicide mention. i am sorry if this question is, idk, weird? but i have to clear something up for myself. does it count as a suicide attempt when i sat there, suicidal, struggling with myself if i should take these pills or not, knowing that if i take them they would kill me for sure, crying, shaking, feeling sick because i dont know whats gonna happen and ending up taking a hand full and spitting them out because i couldnt swallow them and they started having a disgusting taste? - lexie

hi, this is lexie again. i wrote you a few days ago, but i think my message wasnt answered yet, i hope tumblr actually send it. anyway.. somehow my mind is playing more and more with suicidal thoughts and ways to do so and i am thinking about all the pills i could swallow and it actually feels like i am going to do that. idk if i manage it to take them all, probably not, i’ll probably stop half way.. but idk.. i feel so hopeless i just want it to end, idk what to do anymore…. i feel so lost

Hey Lexie,

as you see, we did receive your messages, we just didn’t get to it before. Still, it’s really good that you send in another one because tumblr indeed sometimes eats messages.

Now concerning your first question, love. I have no idea if this counts ‘as an official’ suicide attempt, but to be honest I also don’t thinkt his matters at all. Your suicidal thoughts and your attempt (yes, I think for me it is one) are really serious and definitions don’t matter here. What matters is you. And your safety. 

Love, this won’t be a solution to your problems. Life has so much more to give and I’m more than sure that you’re a person who deserves to feel the happy and beautiful parts of life. Give life another chance. And if it doesn’t work out right away, give it another one. Give every day a chance because every day could become wonderful.

I also really really think you should talk to someone about your suicidal thoughts.  Is there a person like a family member or anyone else you trust? If yes, you should definitely talk to them. I’m sure they’d want to support you getting through this harsh time. You should also consider talking to a professional about it. How about seeing your school counselor (if you’re still at school) or many work places have counselors too. I’d really really recommend that. I also recommend to read trough that page. Are you feeling suicidal right now? If that’s the case you should consider calling one of these numbers or talk to someone online.

The page I’ve linked before names a few steps that one can follow when feeling suicidal:

1.) Talk to someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquantances to spend time with you. Or continue to call a crisis helpline and talk about your feelings.

2.) Make a safety plan. Develop a set of steps that you can follow during suicidal crisis. It should include contact numbers for your doctor or therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.

3.) Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what. Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control.

4.) Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes a day.

5.) Exercise as vigorously as is safe for you.

6.) Make time for thing that bring you joy. Even if very few things bring you pleasure at the moment, force yourself to do the things you used to enjoy.

7.) Remember your personal goals. You may have always wanted to travel to a particular place, read a specific book, own a pet, move to another place, learn a new hobby, volunteer, go back to school, or start a family. Write your own personal goals down.

Now, I want to show you a song love.  It is German, but I’ll show you a translation:

Always wanted to escape from the dog’s lifeFrom the kitchen table made from an upside-down cardboard boxAnd away from the vermits in the closetto be more than the subtenant of the man on the street, one day.Imagined it differently, moved into the distance to Atlanta.Only pictures of the big world smash to pieces without money in the trailer park, on the outskirts of the city.Mama was fed up with it, we were simply poor, simply miserable, you were there one year, then one year in the warNever knew where that was, when you’d come back againPainted you pictures of suns in every letter to the front.“My son,” you said, when we were shooting in the woods,“Never put up with anything, never forget this bang.As frightened as you get, still face your enemy,real man get back up, only cowards don’t!”Dad said: “Son, take my gun.One time you’re the hunter, one time you’re the bear.But ifyou have to be the bear, for God’s sake, then fight!And I’m a grizzly now. (I’m a grizzly now)And you also said: ”When life only hands you lemons,then, damnit, make lemonade.Speak frankly, chin up, never cowardly, son.Don’t play with hearts or with those, who play with yours.We’re not rich, we never will be.Problems that are too big for life, but too small to die for.You know, it doesn’t rain heavily forever,Always only up to the chin and listen, time to learn to swim.As much as I’d like to always be there, if worst comes to worst, take your fist, point your finger.Look for the biggest guy of the gang, jump on him, take a hard swing.You’ll only lose once, because when all has been given,they’ll think twice the next time.The meaning of live is living, that’s it.The meaning of life is living.Everyone sometimes inadvertently misses their footing,The trick with that is always keeping the balance between taking and giving.It wouldn’t be as it is, today,if it hadn’t been the way it was. The meaning of life is living!

(source: Casper- the Grizzly Song)THE MEANING OF LIFE IS LIVING.It sounds so easy and still is so hard, I know. But at the same time I’m sure it is worth it and I’m sure you’ll make it through the hard time.

Please, always remember that there is a reason to live, no matter what. You might not see one right now but there are thousands. Maybe try to make a list of your own. Really sit down and think of things you would miss when you’d committ suicide. Really try to do this, I think it is very helpful.If you need some inspiration in doing that check out this list. I’d strongly recommend that you try to do it yourself first though because it’ll be more personal then. Take as much time as you need.Whenever you are feeling very down and sad I’d recommend that you try to do things that you enjoy. I know this might be hard sometimes but really try it! So what are things you like?Going out at night? Walking through a park? A forest? Going to a beach? Swimming? Lying in the sun? Eating an ice cream? Hanging out with a person you like? Make a walk around your house? Listening to music? Reading? You could go to a library or bookstore and get a new book or read through your old favourite book for the 101st time.

It is really important that you take care of yourself and make yourself feel better.

Remember love, that things take time. Time heals wounds and that’s what you need: time. Don’t take your own time.

When you’re struggling think of exactly this: Things get better eventually, although it might not look like it yet, but it does. Even dark times have to have an end!

I do not know if this is the answer you wanted to receive. I know I’m probably not telling you new things and I didn’t really give you a solution to your problems but I hope I was able to make you feel better. You are a wonderful human being and you’re best for someone. Please never forget that.

Another thing I want you to remember is the following. Always say this to yourself when you aren’t feeling good and when you are suicidal:

As long as you’re alive, you have time. As long as there is time, there is a chance that things get better.

Try to believe in yourself; I do believe in you. You are a wonderful person.

Take care of yourself and please don’t harm yourself.

I wish you all the best!

- Leila

#lexie #-lexie #support #leila #anonymous #anon #TW #Trigger Warning #TW pills #trigger warning pills #pills #Trigger Warning suicide #TW suicide #TW suicidal thoughts #suicide #suicidal thoughts #trigger warning suicidal thoughts