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the-clari-net · 2 years

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Freezing

Ao3

Sam doesn’t remember the last time she was warm.

When the accident first happened, Danny’s body temperature wasn’t something very noticeable to her. Maybe it was because his powers weren’t as strong in the beginning. Sometimes she’d get some goosebumps standing next to him, but it never really correlated in her mind.

Tucker was the first one who actually connected the dots for her.

The trio were having one of their commonplace movie nights at Sam’s house. While grabbing her popcorn, she was about to plop herself in her usual seat, when Tucker stops her.

“Hey guys, uh I think we gotta change the seating order. Because Danny, I love you bro but I’m freezing every time I sit next to you and I need to drink my slushie in peace.”

Sam blinked, finally understanding what Tucker meant. “Oh, then I’ll just be in the middle.”

Danny just laughed a little and went to sit on Sam’s left, and Tucker on her right. As the two began to discuss what pizza they should order, Sam became hyperaware of the temperature differences on her two sides.

Sam realized she didn’t really mind it. Tucker was a radiator on his own, plus with Danny’s lower body temperature, she felt like she was a perfect equilibrium with her two favorite people in the universe.

---

When a ghost was nearby and Danny’s mouth would fill with mist, she’d feel a cool draft in her face.

When he’d suddenly transform next to them, her whole body would break out into goosebumps and the tip of her nose would be colder. She honestly didn’t mind. It was just a part of him. She accepted it like Tucker’s shampoo scent, or they accepted her surprisingly dainty sneezes.

The summers were when Sam was clingiest to Danny. The heat was unbearable, and Danny was a walking freezer, it was wonderful. He would complain that she’d warm him up too much but he never pushed her away. He’d just let her press her arm against his until Tucker would return with popsicles in his hands. Those were the best summers.

Soon enough, their adventures got bigger. They began to have adventures in the Ghost Zone. Learning more about Danny’s abilities in the Far Frozen. More cold.

At one point Sam went back in time and rewrote their history.

She knows that Danny doesn’t remember that event. No one does, besides Desiree and herself; there’s a mutual understanding of their shared secret together and don’t talk about it.

That brief time felt strange. To return to a time when the only thing they worried about was next week’s homework and Dash was their ultimate enemy. Danny looked livelier; his skin was darker than what she was used to. His eyes were plain blue, and his shoulders were more hunched. Less self-assured.

She had nearly forgotten how it felt to stand next to Danny and feel warmth radiating off of him. It felt…wrong.

As the day wore on, Sam realized just how integral becoming Phantom was to Danny, and how much it ultimately strengthened his relationship with her and Tucker. There was a strange distance she felt when she hung out with them. It felt horrible.

Once Sam realized her mistake, she did everything she could to undo her wish. Thankfully she succeeded and things returned to her strange brand of normal.

Time went on, and their trio remained as strong as ever. Beyond high school, throughout college and their first steps into adulthood and after. Danny, Tucker, and Sam would remain as close and inseparable as they were as kids.

Of course, life (and death) had a fun way of coming into their lives and would intervene, yet they worked through it all together. Several more adventures would come, and time would soon pass quickly.

---

Sam didn’t like the care home. It was too warm. After a lifetime surrounded by a nice chill that never left her bones, the quiet humming of the vents pouring out warm air as she sleeps in thick sheets felt suffocating. The nurses were constantly urging her to layer up and wear more sweaters in the wintertime.

Most of the nurses here are young. Much too young to remember a time when the town was never warm. Where rooms would suddenly become unbearably freezing, and strange winds would come in. Sam can’t really blame them for thinking that she’s weak enough that a little chill will take her out.

Samantha Manson spends her last day alive calmly looking over some old photos, texting Tucker as he’s out of town visiting some relatives while eating a cauliflower sandwich for lunch. She quickly passes away as she lies down to take a mid-afternoon nap.

She dies in the middle of summer, the bright sun shining in her room through the curtains.

---

Sam wakes up.

The first thing she recognizes is that the ceiling is black, with a beautiful gothic chandelier hanging above her. As she sits up, she notices she is in a comfortable bedspread that’s to her liking. The design of the entire bedroom is all to her taste. The window in her room shows that it’s dark outside, with brilliant stars illuminating and spattering across the sky. It feels familiar despite her knowing that she’s never been in a space like this before. Sam is quick to get out of her bed.

She leaves her well-furnished bedroom and, goes down cold empty hallways. Somehow, she knows exactly where she's supposed to go.

She reached the end of a corridor and stands in front of two elaborate and intricately carved doors. There are runes etched into it that she recalls learning at one point. Back then, it seemed impossible to remember what each of these symbols meant, yet now she reads through it intuitively as if it were English or Hebrew. Peace. Strength. Justice. Protection. Sam opens one of the doors and enters.

This space is different than the rest, the temperature it at the lowest it’s ever been. Yet, the cold doesn’t affect her.

There’s a throne here. At the top of the throne sits a ghost. With white hair, green eyes, and a familiar grin that she’s known for ages.

He walks down the steps from his throne and takes his hand in hers. His hands are freezing, yet she doesn’t shiver.

“Hey Sam,” he says,

“Welcome home”.

#Ectoberhaunt22 #EH Order #freeze #danny phantom #sam manson

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impalementation · 3 years

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spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 1

I said a long ways back that I thought the switch from Angel to Spike as Buffy’s primary love interest represented an interesting evolution in the show’s attitude towards—and interrogation of—romanticism, and I finally felt like expanding on what I meant by that. This is very long, very meandering, and not terribly academic or well-edited, but I hope there’s something of interest in it nonetheless. It is about 20,000 words in total, and will discuss, in more or less chronological order, the arc of the show’s attitude towards romanticism as it is embodied in Spike, Angel, Buffy and Buffy’s relationships with both of them. I was going to release it as one long post, but because it’s so long, I figured a series of posts might be more readable. Here’s the first one.

“When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

Both Spike and Angel are at once capital-R Romantic figures, and lower-case romantic interests, and in both cases that Romantic/romantic duality is what makes them such effective avatars for ideas around romanticism. In the case of Angel, the show is aware from the beginning that he is very much a Romantic idea of something. In “Welcome to the Hellmouth” Buffy describes him as “dark” and “gorgeous”, evoking the “tall, dark and handsome” cliche. He’s mysterious. He gives her a necklace and his coat, gestures out of high school romance fiction.* In “Out of Mind, Out of Sight” Giles lampshades the romance of him: “A vampire in love with a Slayer. It’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.” Initially, Angel is basically designed to be a teenage girl fantasy, and it’s no coincidence that his successors like Edward Cullen or Stefan Salvatore conform to similar tropes.

*(Think of how five seasons later, a vampire will give Dawn his letterman jacket in “All the Way”. It’s hard not to read as a deliberate echo of Angel’s gift in season one. Once again, a vampire makes romantic gestures towards a high school version of “Buffy”, and later turns on her. But more on this much later in the series.)

The difference between Angel and those other, more typical Supernatural Romance love interests however, is that the show ultimately attempts to subvert the romance of him. As part of its commentary on Gothic themes, season two makes Angel more Romantic than ever (the Claddagh, the tormented past), and makes the romance between him and Buffy central to the story in a way it wasn’t in season one. And then, of course, the season tears it all apart. The first time we learn what Angel did to Drusilla it’s horrifying, but still somehow abstract. Something that seems more like it’s meant to contribute to Angel’s dangerous, Byronic image. As in, something to make him more Romantic. And then suddenly it becomes real. Suddenly, it’s something that Angel could do to Buffy, or the people Buffy cares about. It turns out that his darkly romantic aura was not just an aura, but genuinely dark all along.

In turn, Angel’s devastating transformation is a metaphor for broader disillusionment about romantic ideas. It’s less to me about a “guy going bad after sex”, and more about what it means and feels like to have the scales fall from one’s eyes in that sort of situation. As Buffy copes with the fallout of Angel’s transformation, and later is forced to kill him, I see it as being about the tragedy of having to see the world in ways that are less simple, easy, or pretty as one gets older. As Buffy and Giles say in “Lie To Me”:

BUFFY: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get.

GILES: I believe that's called growing up.

For more on this, I recommend this livejournal post on “Lie To Me”, which goes into great depth on the way season two frames stories as pretty lies that one needs to look beneath, and how Buffy’s romanticization of Angel symbolizes that.

The whole arc of the season is Buffy’s failure to see the danger presented by Angel. In this opening scene that danger is foreshadowed. More to the point for this essay, Angel goes on to lie to Buffy about having encountered Drusilla. He doesn’t want Buffy to know about the nature of Angelus – which means that his first inclination is to mask the danger he presents to Buffy. This is one episode after Halloween, where Buffy’s romantic fantasies about what Angel wants (a damsel) nearly get her killed. Nor is she completely over those fantasies, as she notes that the mystery woman talking to Angel had a pretty old-fashioned dress. So against the backdrop of Buffy’s fantasies about her dark and mysterious boyfriend we have the truth about what he is, which is quite horrifying.

Season three then takes this to another level, by not just pointing out the darkness of the romance of Angel, but in fact puncturing his romantic image. Instead of emphasizing his dangerousness, as season two did, season three emphasizes his adulthood. It emphasizes the way that Angel is someone Buffy sees in secret, or away from her friends. He’s not integrated with her teenage, high school life, and doesn’t fit with the peppy, high school movie aesthetic that characterizes a lot of season three. By doing this, the writing indicates that at this point in their lives, Buffy and Angel are ultimately incompatible and holding each other back. Regardless of however much they might care for each other, Angel can’t fully appreciate her teenage longings like dances, and college, and having a boyfriend. And Buffy can’t fully appreciate his adult need to find himself on his own terms. By the end of season three, Angel is less of a shadowy, tragic figure, and more just an adult man who needs to finally grow up a bit.

Season three also starts making jokes where the punchline is that Angel isn’t living up to the romantic aesthetic he embodied in seasons one and two. In “Helpless”, for example, he and Buffy have an exchange where he waxes sincerely about wanting to “keep [her heart] safe, to warm it with [his own]” and although Buffy says the sentiment is beautiful, a second later she deadpans: “Or taken literally, incredibly gross.” To which Angel replies, “I was just thinking that, too.” Or in “Graduation Day, Part 1”, Angel trips on a doorway instead of making a silent entrance and Buffy again deadpans: “Stealthy.” Angel’s romance slips at moments when Buffy herself is feeling weak, either because she has lost her Slayer powers, or she’s investigating the scene of her sister Slayer’s crime. Her Romantic Slayer half is betraying her, and her romantic girlish half is feeling insecure. This is echoed by the reminder that Angel is no longer a straightforward fantasy man--or a terrifying, larger-than-life villain--but a guy who is sometimes both verbally and physically inelegant.

(Notice how one of the few times season two makes similar jokes about Angel it’s in “Lie to Me”, the very same episode that begins to peel off the layers of deceptions and unknowns about him. Angel slumps around Willow’s bedroom and jokes about “honing [his] brooding skills”, he insists that the vampire wannabes know nothing about vampires right before a guy walks by wearing his exact outfit, and Xander runs color commentary, saying “you’re not wrong” after each of Ford’s observations. In “Lie to Me” one of Angel’s hidden faces is his dangerousness, yes. But another hidden face is simply his human awkwardness.)

There’s an interesting Slayage piece by Elizabeth Gilliland that discusses the idea of Angel as a Gothic double for Buffy, specifically connecting him to the story of Jekyll and Hyde. It argues that Angel’s split identities represent Buffy’s fears that her human and Slayer halves are irreconcilable, and she cannot fully control either half. In season three, the fact that Buffy and Angel must continuously resist a loss of control with each other, and are treated as romantically incompatible, reflects this fear.

In Season Three, replete with various factors in Buffy’s life that threaten to put her role as Slayer and girl into imbalance once more [...] Angel once again returns [...]. The season culminates in an attempted attack on Buffy’s classmates during graduation, which essentially forces her to “out” herself to her community and combine her roles as Slayer and daughter, classmate, and friend for the first time publicly (“Graduation Day: Part 2” 3.22). The worst has happened: her secret has been revealed, the entire school knows about both of her personas, and she has not only survived, but emerged with a stronger sense of self [...] Buffy has conquered her first Gothic fear, and proven to herself that she can not only exercise control over both dualities of her persona, but allow them to peacefully co-exist. Thus, Angel’s continuing struggle with Angelus can no longer act as her shadow, and he literally and metaphorically leaves her to continue the rest of her journey.

It’s an interpretation I mostly agree with, and see a lot of evidence for. But in keeping with the focus of this series, I think you could also read Angel as embodying a duality between the romantic and the unromantic. In this view, Buffy’s struggle between her human and her Slayer halves is not just a struggle between personas, but a struggle to see the world correctly. In season one, it’s not Angel that revives Buffy in “Prophecy Girl”, because Angel is a vampire trope just like the Master. He cannot help her, because he is exactly the kind of traditional romantic concept--like a candle-lit cavern, an ancient Nosferatu-looking vampire, or a Chosen Hero duty--that Buffy is trying to escape. In season two, loss of control is specifically associated with passion, romance, and romanticism. Buffy’s human half longs for the romantic, but her Slayer half, and Angel’s vampire half, prove that sometimes the romantic is something dangerous and violent. The fact that Buffy’s Slayer identity and Angel’s Angelus identity both end up being outed by the end of the season (especially to Joyce, a figure of Buffy’s human home life), echoes Buffy’s loss of innocence. Season three then continues this suspicion of passion. Buffy fears that like Faith, enjoying the violence and power and desire of being a Slayer, means that she will go down a dark path. She also fears that indulging in her sexual and romantic desire for Angel will unleash Angelus. To some extent, these fears are even borne out, given that her love for Angel results in her attempted murder of Faith, and near death at Angel’s hands. But to some extent they also aren’t, given that she, Faith and Angel all live.

To me, what really gets resolved at the end of season three is not quite the issue of Buffy’s human and Slayer halves, given that Buffy will continue to struggle with that duality until the end of the show. Rather, what gets resolved is the need for binaries. Binaries are romantic things. When Giles gives his speech to Buffy at the end of “Lie To Me”, it is the language of binaries that he uses:

GILES: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.

BUFFY: Liar.

In season three, Buffy thinks she must resist both Faith and Angel. She thinks she can only be either a human girl or a Slayer leader. Many plots in season three have to do with the danger of binaries, whether that’s the witch-hunting parents in “Gingerbread”, Willow dealing with her vampire self in “Doppelgangland”, the various alter-egos in “Beauty and the Beasts”, or Cordy choosing a Buffy-less world in “The Wish”. And no character in the Buffyverse embodies the concept of binaries so starkly as Angel does. Thus by the end of season three, Buffy collapses the binaries within herself by merging the human and Slayer parts of her life, as Gilliland observes, and taking on Faith’s traits. She acknowledges her shadow by kissing her tenderly on the forehead, and bids farewell to the illusions and binaries that Angel embodies. Buffy is leaving that part of her life behind, and starting a new chapter where she can no longer split either the world, or herself, into any one thing or another.

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

#romanticism series #buffy #angel #s1 #s2 #s3 #s6 #gen #spike #btvs

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nadiestar · 4 years

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Sides Appearance and Power Headcanons

When the sides are outside, when they are with Thomas, they all look alike. They all look like Thomas. Like a white, brown haired, brown eyed, 5’10 tall man.

But within the Mindspace the sides are different. They take a form which fits their personality most. They can change it to some extend but often the changes happen subconsciously. As children they all basically looked like Thomas, as it was the only reference they had, but as Thomas grew, as he met new people and learnt about the world their horizon grew and they began to take on different forms.

They also have a special set of abilities they can use on the other sides. And some other unique traits that divide them from actual people. And each other.

Logan

- Logan always looks closest to Thomas. He doesn’t feel like he needs to change his appearance, as he was an aspect of Thomas and therefore should look like him. He also is very comfortable with Thomas’s body but he would never admit it.

- Logan always claims that he has no special powers, as he doesn’t need them since he’s logic and that itself was enough to make him special, but it isn’t quite the truth. In reality he has the passive ability to clear the others minds. He makes the other sides remember what Thomas had learnt. His presence made it easier for them to focus and think coherent thoughts. Also, he’s able to paralyze the others for a minute with his falsehood cries, when he’s overly agitated and need everybody to calm down and be quiet for him to regain his posture. As of yet he had used that power three times in Thomas’s life.

- Unlike the others Logan doesn’t need to eat. His hunger has to be satisfied with knowledge. So, at lunch he sits at the table with the others, sometimes eating something to make Patton happy, but mostly just reading about a new topic that has caught his interest, if he doesn’t feel the need to participate in the others conversation.

- In the Mindscape his eyes are indigo.

Patton

- Patton hasn’t changed his appearance too much since collage. He is smaller, a little chubbier (just the perfect size for hugging in his opinion) with a rounder face and bigger eyes, than Thomas. His hair is a light shade of brown and incredibly fluffy. His skin is white and sprinkled with millions of freckles and he adores every single one of them.

- Patton can always feel the others sides’ emotions. He always knows how they feel and is able to make them remember specific memories of Thomas’s life, if he wants to. He also has the best healing abilities of all sides and even Virgil says that even Patton’s hugs were able to make them feel physically and mentally better.

- Patton doesn’t experience gravity and weights not more than a feather. Within the mindscape he can walk up walls, sit on the ceiling or simply float in the middle of the room. It had spooked Logan so much as a child that Patton asked Roman to make him a pair of shoes that were heavy enough to keep him on the ground. He has been wearing them ever since

- In the Mindscape his eyes are sky blue.

Virgil

- Virgil has been skinny in each form and has always had black hair until Thomas had dyed them purple. Since then his hair is always purple. Otherwise his form has changed often. He has been tall but also rather short. He has a tendency to choose androgyne body types and face structures but has probably tried out every ethnicity Thomas has seen so far in his life. As of now he has chosen to present as a Japanese American, who was rather short. He likes that form a lot.

- Virgil’s power is to agitate, to frighten the others. Just like his room he can make the others anxious and activate their fight or flight response. If he gets too stressed, he tends to do that accidentally, which has led to bizarre mishaps. He also is able to tell when the other sides are frightened and sometimes helps them through little panic episodes.

- Instead of drinking Virgil needs to listen to music, ideally for two hours a day. Less makes him dizzy and leads his mood and energy to drastically drop. More than ten hours at once make him act as if he was drunk (and he is not a fun drunk) and so he has a timer on his phone that stops the music when he comes close to those ten hours. Remus has turned off that timer in the past.

- In the Mindscape his right eye is purple and his left eye is black.

Janus

- Janus prefers to be slightly smaller than Thomas. His bodies usually are agile and smooth and he has a weakness for Filipinos or Chinese Americans features, short, black hair and for the aesthetics a split tongue. His looks don’t change quickly, they tend to slowly transform from one form to another. He has been second to the twins to take the form of a woman.

- Janus always knows when the sides were lying, and also knew what form of lie they commit. Additionally, he also has the ability to notice the twins’ illusions. He isn’t capable to tell what is beyond it, but he knows when they are there. It has made living with Remus a lot easier. He also is able to make the others fall asleep through placing a small portion of his spit on the others skin (aka kissing, but he didn’t like to call it that).

- Janus is always cold. Even if it is hot outside, if he doesn’t wear some layers of clothing, he gets cold, which makes him more and more tired until he simply freezes. So, it was not so much of a snake characteristic he portrayed, but the fact that he needed multiple layers in order to feel secure.

In the mindscape both of his eyes are yellow.

Roman/Remus

- Roman and Remus work a little different from the others. Their appearances are connected due to the split and they both need to identify with the body they have at a time. As children it wasn’t hard for them to jump from form to form within days. Everything was fascinating, they wanted to try everything out and had been the first to ever change their bodies from Thomas’s form. They also were first to turn into girls when Thomas reached his teenager years. They always like to be taller and at least a little stronger than the others. As time went by and they grew further apart, they both found a liking in Chilean features and settled for that form and black curly hair, which has been their appearance for a bigger part of Thomas’s adulthood.

- Roman feels it when the other sides are hopeful and positive. He technically possesses the power to awaken the others sides’ hopes and ideals, as well as their passion.

- Remus detects intrusive thoughts, doubts and nightmares from the other sides. He technically possesses the power to evoke disturbing imagery in the other sides’ minds.

- The problem with their active powers is that both of them need to be stable in order for them to work correctly. But since Remus hasn’t been stable for years, neither is able to evoke anything without feeling sick and weak afterwards.

- Both twins don’t need to sleep. Instead of sleeping they need to create something small for themselves like doodling, humming or brainstorming stupid ideas. Additionally, they are both unable to heal themselves, which they haven’t told the others yet. If they are hurt their wounds heal a lot quicker than they would with people, but they can leave scars, which both just cover up with illusions. Also, when they are in the imagination or in one of their rooms at the same time they can hear each other’s thoughts and always feel if the other is in great distress.

-In the mindscape Roman and Remus’s eyes are still brown.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #ts theories #ts headcanon #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #janus sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #mim rambles #Between Black and White

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phantomphangphucker · 4 years

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Ectober week Darkness/Poison - Sinners Are We Chap.2: The Prince Of Poisoned Hope And The One Lurking In The Shadows

Even monsters can make a family. That’s no reason for the world to get its hopes up though.

History books will always show you how one simple change can change everything. Alter the course of History forever. And while that was true, today’s history books didn’t have much to tell. The universe had fallen to ruin in a matter of years after all. There were some who would say that this was the best possible outcome though. Even wrote books on it. That if it had been just one or the other, instead of the two of them together, that there wouldn’t be a universe left standing. Because together they changed one another, gave each other something other than obliterating things to focus on, and a heightened interest in the future.

The universe watched those two walk out on stage vengeful and angry, sadistic and carefree. One acting out of a twisted version of retribution and spite, the other who was more just a destructive force of nature. And as their show went on, one became more uncaring and unbothered by her past and the other grew even fonder of the idea of ‘irony’. The two former arch enemies in the eyes of anyone who knew of how they were before, now coupled together and encouraging each other in different was.

Their wedding was a Zone-wide and universe-wide celebration. Not because anyone was happy for them, no, because not celebrating might get you killed. Those two were incredibly flaky over who they would and wouldn’t kill, maim, or torture now-a-day’s. But it was also officially a holiday. Because the king and queen were to be wed.

The King Of Ghosts and the Queen Of Mortals. And though the latter hadn’t actually been a thing until her, no one was about to oppose. Lest she sic one of her metal machines on you or came after you herself. If she was in a mood, maybe he would come after you instead. Which while promising a likely quicker death, also would likely get everyone around you killed or maimed too.

The living were overall more fearful of her but would rather suffer at her hand than his. Something similar happened with the dead. A ghost didn’t care much about the collateral around them, and loved chaos. So while they feared him more, they’d take his destructiveness over her torture any day. And arguably, when it came down to it? They fulfilled their conquered roles well. When he wasn’t running amok destroying areas of Zone, the place flourished and they had a leader that was feared. That meant a lot to those of the dead. Being feared was their bread and butter. And the places he destroyed, if he left them alone long enough, reformed better than before. Like a fire had raged through it and the new growth was coming back stronger. Similar went for her, her existence alone deterred crime and planets simply couldn’t survive without other planets help due to all the destruction and loss. The living were more connected than ever and better behaved. And the living and dead hardly harmed each other anymore, because doing so was a great way to get the two tyrants' attention. Which was very seldom a good thing.

Of course there were plenty who were genuinely loyal and fond of the pair. Often working as assassins, knights, or subordinate rulers under them. In fact, anyone with large amounts of power or sway could reasonably be considered at the very least sympathisers. Not that anyone could do anything about that. Most people just busied themselves with survival and enjoying every day as much as they could, it very well could be their last day at the drop of a hat after all. Though everyone paid attention and gaped when the firstborn Gray-Phantom was announced. One Russet Julius Gray-Phantom, the middle name wasn’t recognised for the warning that it accidentally was. Most actually genuinely celebrated because maybe, maybe, this would take up more of their time and attention. Maybe the kid could be a positive influence on them. Be a poison that could dissolve the ice and hatred around their heart and Core. Maybe they’d actually consider their own kids' opinions and wants; they didn’t care about anyone else’s after all.

At the same time though, lords know how fucked up this kid might be or get.

The second-born Gray-Phantom, one Orrin Jasper Gray-Phantom, being announced only four years later gave everyone genuine hope that maybe the two’s focus had genuinely shifted to building a family. That they would stay with their family and exist more in the shadows of the two Realms rather than tormenting them on the forefront. Which could be good or very very bad. The realms could end up with a whole family of violent psychotic monsters. With generations of them. A lineage of brutality. And yet at the same time, both realms had gotten used to the king and queen. The dead didn’t want their king to lose his touch, his fearsomeness; and him destroying things was a reason to socialise with each other more, they might need to stay at another ghosts lair after all. The living worried that crime might increase or that they might start nipping at each other’s throats; she had made the living more inclined to violence and survival of the fittest yet more tight-knit community wise.

Then the elder prince went and ripped a bunch of the living apart limb from limb while laughing like a mad man at thirteen years of age. The boy was an absolute demon child, and his parents had no interest in leashing him. Heck, those two probably enjoyed it. But this incident was also when the Mortal Realm learned halfas were a thing. In suitably dramatic fashion when the human-looking elder prince transformed directly in front of the police force before shooting into the sky cackling. Which was news that spread through the universe at breakneck speed, faster than any poison, both for the oddity of that and the impossibility of that. Plus, gossip surrounding the high royals always stirred up interest. Out of morbid curiosity and pure survival.

At least they knew what the elder prince looked like as a human now, so they wouldn’t be caught so easily by surprise. Which did result in him getting attacked by ghost hunters in human form once, which very noticeably pissed him off... and got the hunters killed. But people understood why they tried, it was a test to see how strong the teen was. Which was to say he was definitely not as strong as his father or as smart as his mother; and he had very little in the way of tenacity. Which was good for them, meant he could be easily deterred; running off to huff like a petulant child.

The younger prince was more of an unknown, an uncertainty. But those that did run into him or spot him from afar said he looked at people like he was judging their worth and made them feel small. Like they were staring into a black smokey void, So he was clearly intelligent. Him leaving an area, especially to ghosts, felt less like he was running off and more like he had decided that the place or person could be useful to him. But for the most part, he stuck to the shadows, or maybe just seldom left Phantom’s Keep. It was quite possible he hung around in his human form, if he was a halfa too; no one would know after all. Though there were rumours that he went and stopped some war in the Ghost Realm at some point. No one was sure if that meant he had been peaceful or just went and obliterated both sides. The second being more in line with the behaviour of the rest of the family. Regardless, both the living and dead preferred the younger prince. He wasn’t actively dangerous to them and seemed less wild. But considering the king’s and queen’s history, the fact that they had both been heroes and champions for good once hadn’t disappeared into forgotten history; the younger also made them more nervous. Russet’s motives and feelings were obvious, if you saw him you knew he was up to something that would get someone hurt or make him stronger; it was obvious by the time he hit adulthood that he was power-hungry. By twenty, everyone was pretty sure he would have tried to off his parents for the throne if they weren’t in a totally different league than him in the power department. The king and queen seemed to enjoy mocking him for that and were gleeful over him trying to make himself stronger. They viewed that as them trying to push him over the edge, push him even further into violent darkness. At least that distracted the man some.

While Orrin, even at sixteen, was still effectively a mystery. Based on him ageing the same as his brother everyone decided he was definitely a halfa too. For a short while they tried to pin down his mortal form, but even the dead had no luck with that. As a result the amount rumours about him were almost endless. The most popular was that he was a thief and trickster. That he would pop up randomly in houses and lairs, scaring or creeping people out and then something went missing. That might have been born out of the fact that Russet clearly didn’t get his father’s humorous side, so maybe Orrin got all of it.

So one was like a poison that ran around destroying things and causing mayhem; even a couple societal collapses. While the other stuck to the darkness and no one really knew what lurked in that darkness.

And then, the third Gray-Phantom was born. A little girl they named Dove Jay Gray-Phantom. Just like her brothers, she was born looking like a six-year-old and she caused a stir. Because she was beautiful. Many of the more poetic types likened her to a rose blooming in a field of thorns. Of course, roses had thorns of their own; but she literally looked like the feeling of innocence. The living were as relieved as they were willing to let themselves feel when it came to the high royal family, but the dead viewed her as a possible weakness. And so they went to ‘test’ her, or more accurately ‘attack her’ while the king and queen were busy dealing with their handful elder son.

But that’s when Orrin’s protective side came out and the realms got to see his thorns for the first time. Russet lashed his thorns around like an animal full of pride, but when Orrin’s burst out from the shadows everyone immediately knew who the stronger bother was. He completely annihilated the ghosts that went after Dove with a straight face and seemingly without effort. Dove, meanwhile, seemed clueless and reportedly hummed softly the whole time.

The younger prince and princess weren’t seen for a while after that, and the elder prince seemed more volatile than normal. It could be because Dove hadn’t protected herself, which for a Gray-Phantom was absolutely unacceptable. They were supposed to be God’s amongst men whose reach seeped into every facet of the universe after all. And the elder brother was likely foaming at the mouth over being shown up by the younger. Most of the realms honestly hoped that maybe the adorable princess would change things, doubtful. But images mysteriously leaked of her wielding a sword with puffed out cheeks inspired more hope than worry.

#ectober #ectober week #ectober week 2020 #danny phantom #phandom #dan phantom #valerie gray #dark gray #implied/referenced murder #ghost king Dan #mortal queen Valerie #villain! Valerie #altrernate tue #fan fic #phan phic #my writing #have a fic suck my dick #phantomphangphucker #me taking the prompt and stretching it as far as it will go

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stormcloudquill · 5 years

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The Buttwitch Theory

I unfortunately am not able to add screenshots, but I will include which episodes I take my quotes from.

My theory is that Buttwitch (or Full Grown if you want to call her) is connected to Judy. Now of course there's the obvious connections of the puberty books (Season 1 episode 2) and being symbols of adulthood for Reggie, but I think it goes much, much deeper than that. I think that the Buttwitch was Judy's friend on Endless, much like Brown Roger is to Reggie.

For one, it's made pretty clear that the Buttwitch has existed before: "Oh it's so deliciously delightful to be back!" (Season 1 episode 2) but she doesn't recognize the world around her "What happened to my grown up wonderland?" (Season 1 episode 2). It's clear it's been a while, because she doesn't know the inhabitants and the inhabitants don't know her. However, she somehow recognizes Reggie (as 12) just by looking at a painting Brown Roger did of fhe two of them "I know her; she's the one responsible for this garish mess!" (episode 2), even though Reggie doesn't know who she is "Who are you?" (episode 2).

Reggie looks a lot like her mom--it's especially obvious in the birthday flashback (Episode 10), while Dustin looks more like their dad (Episode 14). It's entirely possible that when Judy was twelve, she looked very similar if not the same as Reggie now.

We know that Endless was a lot different in the Buttwitch's time (episode 2, episode 25), being a "grown up wonderland" and "more to her taste". I don't believe that it was necessarily a wasteland, because from the appearance of her home and her fondness for rose gold (Episode 7), she's clearly fond of fancy and rather beautiful things. Just not cute things; "Everything is so trivial! And cute!" "Look at you! So adorable! I'm going to destroy you like the garbage you are!" (Episode 2).

Judy also has a fondness for pretty things, espcially seen in the shopping sequence while she took Esther and Reggie to the mall (Episode 8). She likes adult shows with drama, much like how Buttwitch likes to watch the drama she causes (Episode 8 and any episode Buttwitch is in except 16). Judy also talks about how when she was Reggie's age, she couldn't wait to grow up (Episodes 1&2)

While she is clearly evil, the Buttwitch does also *briefly* empathize and possibly sympathize with Brown Roger before she transforms him (Episode 19) "You were cast aside! First she'll block you from her games and then she'll block you from her life!" Making it very clear that she was once close to a person like Brown Roger is to Reggie.

Now, this last piece is a bit obscure, but it fits in my overarching theory: most of, if not all the current residence of the island are toys. (In episode 25, the subtitles call the residents toys as they attack the mutated Buttwitch) Coily Anderson, Pretty Please, Brown Roger, Mack & Beefhouse are all my best examples. The Buttwitch is humanoid to be sure, but even without her green skin, pink eyes, and devilish hair, she doesn't look like any human on the show.

The humans in Twelve forever have stylized looks, but fairly human proportions (except the eyes). The Buttwitch seems to be over 6 feet tall, with a dramatically large bosom and butt, with strangely thin arms, shapely legs, and an impossibly thin waste. She looks more like an evil, miscolored Barbie than a human that came to Endless. She also shrinks to about the size of a doll in episode 25.

As for the island itself, even if it isn't "Reggie's" and the residents have lives beyond her, it is very clear that the Island is catered to her. It matches her vivid imagination and randomness perfectly, and everything on Endless remains perfect for her as long as she and her friends don't mess with it. Esther and Todd are welcome and enjoy visiting, all the residents fawn over 12 and can almost never find fault in anything she does--a luxury that doesn't usually apply to Todd and Esther.

I believe that when Judy was a young girl, she was the exact opposite of Reggie. While Reggie is a kid who is happy with who she is and goes to Endless to escape the inevitability of being an adult, I believe Judy was more insecure about being so young and went to Endless to feel like a grownup. Judy was the "12" of her era and Endless catered itself to her vision of being an adult, luxurious and beautiful, but also very mature in the eyes of a young tween. I believe Buttwitch was a doll that Judy brought to Endless with her that she buried and brought to life. Like Brown Roger, Buttwitch was immediately Judy's best friend and they began doing "adult" things together (makeovers come to mind). However, as Judy grew older, she needed her adult wonderland less and less, visiting the Buttwitch less often and making her feel left behind. The Buttwitch went mad with anger and sadness and was corrupted by her own anger, turning into a monster. Like Reggie had, Judy used her powers to defeat the Buttwitch until she was so weakened that Judy could dispose of her in the volcano, never to be awoken until her daughter threw in the puberty books.

I'm probably reaching for straw with this one, but please tell me what you think!!

#buttwitch #twelve forever #full grown

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exceptionally-unobservant · 4 years

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Since you literally asked for it: Why the pomegranate works for Midnight Sun - an essay

Pomegranates have such a rich significance, both symbolically and mythologically, and much of that significance dovetails with the themes of Twilight, and by extension, Midnight Sun. Pomegranates have been used as symbols of death, immortality, temptation, sexuality, beauty. Both Twilight and Midnight Sun portray the dilemma of being tempted by the forbidden, and pomegranates have been used to tell that exact story.

The Apple

Let’s start at the beginning with the iconic Twilight cover: two hands, holding up a red apple, as if in offering. This image is a direct reference to the Genesis story, where Eve is tempted to eat the forbidden fruit--often portrayed as an apple--from the tree of knowledge, and in doing so commits original sin and is cast out of the Garden of Eden. The apple is a symbol of sin, temptation, and knowledge. The epigraph in Twilight underscores these ideas: “But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it; for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die,” (Genesis 2:17). Stephenie Meyer confirms this connection on her website and in The Official Illustrated Guide: “The apple on the cover of Twilight represents the knowledge of good and evil,” (p. 539).

The Guide states, “The question inherent in the apple is ‘Do you want to know?’ It asks if you are going to bite in and discover the frightening possibilities around you or refuse and stay safe in the comfortable world you know,” (p. 539). If Eve is Bella, then the apple is her discovery that Edward is a vampire, and her acquisition of the knowledge of his world. Rather than being cast out of the Garden of Eden, a fissure is created between Bella and the human world; over the course of the series, she steps away from the human world she has known and steps into the world of the supernatural. Bella gains “knowledge of good and evil” through her discovery of vampires, and her world becomes darker and more threatening because of it.

So what does this have to do with pomegranates?

In some interpretations of the Genesis story, the forbidden fruit is a pomegranate. It’s a slightly different version of the same story, just as Midnight Sun is a slightly different version of Twilight. Midnight Sun explores the same themes as Twilight--death, sin, temptation, etc.--just through a different lens. The cover uses a different symbol to convey the same ideas.

Aside from potentially being the forbidden fruit in Genesis, pomegranates are also mentioned in the Bible as a special product of Israel (Deuteronomy 8:8), and in Song of Solomon (4:3, 7:12) to illustrate beauty and love.

Hades and Persephone

Much of early Judeo-Christian mythology and symbolism has roots in that of Ancient Greece, and the pomegranate is no exception. In one myth, the pomegranate is believed to have come from the blood of Adonis (Bella compares Edward to Adonis throughout the series). Most prominently, the myth of Persephone is known for featuring a pomegranate. In this myth explaining the origin of seasons, Persephone, the daughter of goddess of the harvest Demeter, is abducted by Hades and taken to the underworld, where she becomes queen. While her mother grieves, leaving the earth barren, Hades tricks Persephone into eating pomegranate seeds. Because she ate food from the underworld, Persephone is obligated to spend part of each year in the underworld.

Whereas Bella may be likened to Eve in that she chose to bite the apple to acquire knowledge of good and evil, Edward may be likened to Hades in that he coerced Persephone to eat the pomegranate in order to stay with him. Edward sees himself as a Hades-like figure: a creature of darkness, doomed to belong to the world of the dead, and he hates himself for it. Edward sees Bella as this good, pure being--not dissimilar to Persephone--whom his nature could taint by association with him. This moral dilemma is illustrated in the Midnight Sun partial draft, with striking similarities to Hades’ role in the Persephone myth: “What could possibly happen to result in Bella becoming a prisoner to this immortal half-life? Now—devastated by longing for the girl—I could understand how I might...ask him to take away her life and her soul so that I could keep her forever.” (p. 110). He is constantly plagued by this inner conflict between wanting to keep her as she is, and wanting to keep her for himself. Where Hades choses to take Persephone for himself, Edward refuses to accept that this is an option, tempted as he might be to carry it out. The key difference in this decision is that Edward hates what he is and fights against it, whereas Hades does not.

Some modern interpretations of the Persephone myth grant Persephone more agency. In some interpretations, Persephone may have chosen to stay with Hades; in others, Persephone leaving Demeter for the underworld is representative of daughters leaving their families, particularly their mothers, as they become adults and get married. This parallels Bella leaving her mother at the beginning of Twilight, as well as later leaving her mother for good in Breaking Dawn as she enters into adulthood and marriage. The setting of these events also parallels the myth: Bella leaves warm, sunny Arizona (spring) for cold, rainy Washington (winter, or the underworld); the culminating event of Bella’s decision to enter the world of the supernatural with Edward--her wedding--takes place in August, at the end of summer.

As part of leaving the human world for the supernatural one, Bella’s transformation into a vampire gives her much more power than she’s had before, which is represented on the cover of Breaking Dawn with a queen chess piece. This mirrors Persephone’s ascension to the queen of the underworld. In this position as queen, Persephone can stand beside Hades as his equal, just as vampire Bella can stand beside Edward as his equal.

“Okay, but that pomegranate?”

Much of the criticism of the Midnight Sun cover involves a lack of aesthetic appeal. In other words, “it’s ugly.” While the other Twilight Saga covers--particularly Twilight--are very pretty and polished, Midnight Sun somewhat deviates from that: it is vivid, raw, bold. It vaguely resembles a human heart, and is much more on the nose regarding blood imagery than any of the other covers. Similar to how the drooping petal on the New Moon cover represents Bella’s drop of blood at her birthday party (The Guide, p. 539), the drop of pomegranate juice near the bottom of the cover may also represent Bella’s blood, but in a more visceral way. Midnight Sun is not supposed to be pretty because that is not how Edward perceives himself, and the cover reflects that.

The apple works for Twilight--Bella’s story--because it’s a good representation of how Bella perceives herself: plain, ordinary, commonplace. But it also represents how Edward perceives Bella: pure, untainted, good. The apple on the Twilight cover, while just an ordinary apple, is a pretty apple: round, red, proportionate, whole, no discoloration, etc. It’s essentially a photoshopped grocery store ad apple.

The pomegranate on the cover of Midnight Sun is the flipside of that. It is asymmetrical, disproportionate, cut in half, with some discoloration (but also keep in mind that pomegranates in general are just messy). This is a reflection of how Edward sees himself: strange, morbid, not quite right, damaged. But it is also a reflection of how Bella sees Edward: unusual, other, not of this world, but also fascinating. When Bella first sees the Cullens, she describes Edward as “lanky,” “chalky pale,” with “bruise-like shadows” under his eyes; she finds him attractive not because he looks typical or conventional, but because he’s “inhumanly beautiful” (Twilight, p. 18-19). Likewise, pomegranates are somewhat exotic (in North America at least), certainly less ordinary than apples. The pomegranate may not be pretty, but it’s interesting.

The pomegranate on the cover of Midnight Sun alludes to two of the most well-known Western myths involving couples seeking something that is forbidden and entering into a new and frightening world as a consequence. This is essentially the story of Twilight and Midnight Sun: a couple who both want something they aren’t supposed to want, and in defiance of potential danger, take it anyway. For Bella, this means wanting someone who is dangerous, but overcoming that to gain knowledge of an unknown world. For Edward, this means wanting someone for selfish reasons, whose life he will forever alter, but letting her into his world anyway to find she is equal to standing beside him. The myths that this story draws from present that enticing, ripe temptation and explore what happens when one takes a bite of that fruit.

#midnight sun #twilight #twilight saga #bella swan #edward cullen #i can't believe we're having pomegranate discourse in 2020 but here we are #pomegranate #pomegranate dissertation #mine #midnight sun cover

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rookisaknight · 6 years

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No Cult AUs, but like, still sad about it

The thing is I'm deeply uninterested in "no cult" AUs where the Seeds are just like, completely functional members of society because so much of what we see of their personality is linked directly back to their own trauma. Obviously, your pain doesn't necessarily define who you grow up to be, but just because they're not inherently evil doesn't mean they wouldn't have rough edges. Starting a murder cult in Montana isn't the problem, it's a symptom of the problem. (That's a fun sentence)

I want a Jacob who did some fucked up things during military service, and who didn't get the help he needed. Who still spent time in the shelter before John and Joseph found him. Things are a bit better in Montana. At the very least he finds some solace in the woods, away from people and overwhelming stimulus.

But he still refuses therapy. Refuses to sit down with anyone he thinks is trying to poke around in his head. He's unwilling (some might say afraid) to give up all the ugliness inside of him. Miller, juvie, his father, all of them shaped him into the man he is. He doesn't know who he is apart from all that, and he refuses to find out.

He's as mean and tough as the timber wolves he trains. More than a few establishments have barred him for violent incidents, sometimes when he's having an episode and others that are just a part of his personality. There's very few who understand that there even is a softer side. That there's only a handful of people on this rock that he cares about, but he'd move heaven and Earth for them without batting an eye, no questions asked.

Jacob also struggles a lot with his own understanding of his masculinity. Juvie and the military were both toxic environments for a boy to come into manhood. He's not a monster, but it's hard for him to push that out of his head. To not snidely remark that maybe John should try skirts if he's gonna spend so blessed long on his clothes. To stop himself from pushing Rachel out "while the men talk" or snort that maybe Deputy Pratt is "batting for the other team" if you catch his drift. And it sucks, and it's gross, but it's there.

It's also the only part of himself that he allows to change. Grace Armstrong is one of the few Hope County veterans he actually talks to and feels any sense of connection to. They get drinks on occasion, swap the few war stories they actually have any fondness for and shoot the shit. And one night, she quietly informs him one night that while he’s probably the closest thing she has to a best friend if he calls Adelaide Drubman a whore or insinuates that Jess needs taming, she will not hesitate to stick her boot so far up his ass he won’t shit right for weeks. She’s giving him a crash course on “feminism for gross white mountain men” and helping him come to terms with parts of his own sexuality that he’d been afraid to look in the eyes before. He’s not there yet, but he’s learning.

There are untold sleepless nights. Many of those spent curled up under his blankets, blocking his ears against imaginary gunfire and closing his eyes tight against what he fears he’s going to see. Jacob Seed wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror, and doesn’t recognize or like a single bit of what stares back at him. But he hopes he’ll find peace in the mountains. He’s taken up wood-carving. Maybe using a knife for a less bloody purpose would help...

Joseph takes regular medication for schizophrenia. Alarms are set on his phone (An old flip model, Faith has yet to convert him to a touchscreen), and he rarely misses a day. The meds aren’t perfect: the drowsiness can make his temper shorter than it should be, and the weight gain and constipation can make diet maintenance a struggle. But he’s a disciplined man. He manages. And keeps the voices at bay to the best of his ability.

Medication and regular therapy (when he could afford it) have killed off the more manic sides of his religion, but it hasn’t taken away his faith. Their miserable youth drove Jacob farther from God. It drew Joseph closer. Perhaps an instinctive desire to understand whatever it was that drove their father into such fits over perceived wickedness. And yet, the God he encounters is not one that belonged to his father. It seems to be one that belongs entirely to Joseph. Not exactly a comfortable Hallmark brand, but something that compels him to disciplined behavior. Fills him with peace, and a desire to share that peace with others.

He talks theology with Jerome on fishing trips. They don’t agree on a lot regarding God. But there’s a kinship there. If they’re two blind men trying to feel out the shape of an elephant and coming to different conclusions on what they hold, at least they agree there is something to feel.

He remains something of a manipulator. Father Seed is an open and accepting presence, one with the ability to reach into the very heart of your pain, expose it, and then apply a quick and ready balm. When he takes the lectern he is a gifted thinker, an eloquent speaker, and a charismatic communicator. Perhaps its an aspect of himself. But when he goes home Sunday night, takes off the suit and steps into jeans, he becomes reserved once more. Those who have seen the transformation find it almost spooky. The eyes go from a warm embrace to a cold calculation. The Father doesn’t get crossed often, but those who scheme against his congregation or offend his family finds themselves quickly exposed by him, their insecurities laid bare and attacked. It's unnerving how he can easily pick up on the tells of a weak self-image, of a troubled family or a problem with drinking. The Sherriff sometimes jokes he’d make a good detective. Or a con man.

Joseph Seed has a knack for sowing discomfort. Something about him is a little too...open. Like he unlocked a part of his soul most keep to their private selves and laid it out on the surface. But his perceptiveness gives him great strength as a counselor, and for every person who swears he's a devil, there's someone who knows he helped them out of their deepest and darkest places.

John had to work hard to unlearn the lessons from his abusers. He could afford the finest therapists in the world but until Joseph found him he refused to go. At some point, before reaching adulthood he picked up on the general notion that parents shouldn't hurt their kids the way all of his had. But it was so hard to tell himself that he didn't....deserve it.

Was it wrong to say there were moments where he was almost proud of it? The world was full of sinners, but thanks to his parents he had the courage to face it. To take his punishment and atone. The self-mutilation, the whippings and fasting and hours in prayer until his voice was hoarse and his knees bled.....maybe others viewed them as grotesque but to him, they were redemption. He didn't ask why it had to happen to him. He could only think that maybe the world would be a better place if everyone did it.

It created a split in his sense of self-worth. On the one hand, he viewed himself as a maggot straining for approval from on high, unworthy of even the crumbs of forgiveness yet anxious to gobble them up. That self-loathing tormented him, drove him to drown his agonies in substance abuse and turn to the pain of a knife or a needle to make him feel punished enough. And yet, on the other hand, he saw himself as superior to everyone else. At least he knew his place in the hierarchy of creation. Better a worm that knows he's a worm than a worm that thinks he's a lion.

John's a mess of coping mechanisms. In college, there was the bottle, self-harm, and a lover or two or three. Always putting himself in the most degrading position possible, because at least then he felt like he could deserve affection. And after graduation...there was a tight control. Every hour was stuffed for maximum productivity because free minute meant time where the dark thoughts could creep and catch him unawares. he wouldn't let himself go to bed until he was ready to drop from exhaustion.

Joseph, Jacob, and even Faith learn to spot the signs of when things are getting bad for him. When the dark circles under his eyes are growing more and more prominent but his clothes are immaculate. When Joseph finds him stashing razor blades (he hasn’t hurt himself since moving to Montana, but having them within reach becomes important to him). When Faith finds him screaming at someone because they brought him the wrong blueprints for the youth center. It's tricky, because openly acknowledging The Thing will only make John try harder to cover it up. But they find subtle ways of defusement. Jacob lays off giving him a hard time, for once. Joseph finds ways of lessening the work on his table and manages to carefully sneak in commendation during their weekly meetings. Faith insists on cooking for him and visiting regularly under the pretense of discussing her college plans. It's not a perfect system, but its the best they know to pull him out of it

Rachel Jessop still takes the name Faith Seed. Not for any heraldry purposes. But because she wants to feel....a part of something. The converting process asks you to put off your old self. Rachel Jessop, the druggie, the abused, the disappointment, the unloved, was such a bundle of hurt and anguish and self-destruction that the only way she felt she could put it behind her was to recreate herself. The last name was easy. The Father had given her a family, and she would wear that fact proudly.

Faith was because it was what was required of her every day. The faith that tomorrow she would be able to stay off the needle. That she wouldn’t harm herself tomorrow. That the only tears she would shed would be tears of joy. Joseph said faith was perhaps not the right word for it. After all, all these things took effort on her part. But for her, they also required trust in a higher power, to guide her and keep her on the Path.

Though she cast off Rachel’s name, so many of the worst parts of her followed into the new identity. The codependency and abandonment issues, so strong sometimes that she can’t go home that night, to the small, but empty cabin that she’s made her own. Joseph and John both have a guest bedroom set aside for her, and she takes advantage of this frequently.

Her desperate need to please the people around her is often imperceptible. She seems so bright and happy and full of life that many take her as the finest example that Eden’s Gate saves lives. But there is so much pain behind the smile. An offhanded comment about her hair from one of the teens in her bible study sets her off in an obsessive spiral for a couple of days after. At church events, she stays longest, cleans everything up. Her phone is constantly buzzing with messages from all the lonely hearts of Hope County. She neglects her mental health in favor of helping others.

If she can just....if she can prove to Joseph that she was worth saving...She hated feeling like a pity case. Like in her core she was still that same wretched sinner that showed up stoned to her first sermon. Who stole her best friends credit card and went on a shopping spree. Who baited her sickly mother with empty promises of daughterly love in order to get money for rent, or more often, meth. She’d been hurt by so many people in her life that she had felt like she was justified in hurting everyone else in a directionless act of revenge. And now that she’s older, she’s worried she’s ruined herself for honestly helping others. Every act she does is not enough to assuage her guilt, that sometimes fills her up so much it makes her nauseous.

She’s working with Joseph on this. They meet once a week to discuss her spiritual progress. At his recommendation, she also visits a counselor fairly regularly, which seems to help. And in all honesty, this might be what makes her connect so well with the teenaged population of Hope County. She knows what its like to feel like an unlovable outcast, to worry that you are disappointing everyone. Faith, in her own way, is dazzling. Most just wish that she knew that too.

#joseph seed #john seed #jacob seed #faith seed #rachel jessop #far cry 5 #fc5 #no cult au #far cry 5 au #long post

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libertasforte · 5 years

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Sarazanmai is the magical boy anime we didn’t need, but deserve anyway

I binged Sarazanmai because I was told that it’s mindblowingly weird. What I wasn’t told was that it’s a magical boy anime - and a rather straightforward one, at that.

Simply put: it’s a story where the Capitalist Empire that harvests Desire is depicted as the force of evil, to be vanquished by the Power of Love of the magical boy protagonists.

Sarazanmai is also, insofar as I can understand the word, camp - “a form both of performance and of perception celebrating theatricality and excess, improvising reality as a stage for outrageously ironic self-display and reinvention”. What Sarazanmai isn’t, is that it isn’t subtle. Its tight structure distills the bare bones minimum needed to deliver its message. In this post, I will lay out the message of Sarazanmai so far, up to the 7th episode.

To this end, I will examine in order the 4-point progression of the main characters: Red Boy, Green Boy, Blue Boy, Cop.

(Okay, they have names: Kazuki, Enta, Tooi, and Reo and Mabu. I won’t be using their names, since I don’t remember them.)

It’s given to us in the OP animation that each of these four characters has an object of Fixation, someone they want to “connect” to.

The Red Boy, on his little brother. The Green Boy, on the Red Boy. The Blue Boy, on his older brother. The Exotic Cop, on the Robot Cop. (I refer to him as Exotic based on the way he is coded: “colored” skin, grinning with sharp teeth. Perhaps a less palatable, but more precise way of describing his coding would be “Predatory.” Similarly, the other Cop is Robot coded, and is an actual artificial being besides. It synergizes with their coding as Seme Cop and Uke Cop, but let’s leave that aside for now)

Red Boy: Establish structure What’s in the box: crossdressing

The first episode introduces the format. In each episode, a Zombie is defeated. There is a transformation sequence in which the three protagonists transform into three Kappas, and they make a pilgrimage to the Zombie to retrieve what was taken. The Zombie is used to tie together the conflict in each episode: the action of defeating the Zombie is serves to accentuate the psychological and emotional narrative being told about the main characters. This technique is prevalent in a lot of action animes, not just Magical Girl ones.

The Box is the thing in which shameful things are kept. Each of the three protagonists has boxed something up. Shame is the disowned part of the self, hidden away because the self believes that it will make them unworthy of connection.

In this episode, the Zombie is of a man who has a fetish for running around naked with a box on his head. Okay, weird as far as fetishes go, what does it mean? Shameful things are hidden in the Box, and he’s ashamed of what’s in his head. Seems like the metavillain, or a portrait of the writer. Let’s get back to this.

For Red, Crossdressing = Shame. Nothing is explicitly delved into about this shame at its introduction, but it is obvious to us the audience that he finds this shameful because we live in a society.

Green Boy: Demonstrate established structure What’s in the box: a symbol of “wrong” love

It’s simple and cliche, and “I had a gay crush on my best friend” is straightforward as far as queer narratives go. It’s nice how “Golden Duo” could be a homage to the Golden Lovers of professional wrestling fame.

Blue Boy: Use structure to connect to larger ideas What’s in the box: gun

Blue’s story dives off the deep end into the forsaken, disowned bastion of masculinity: organized crime. It’s straightforward as far as manpain goes: “Mama, I killed a man, pulled my trigger, now he's dead.”

Some messages are stated: “The bad people survive,” and those who don't survive are plastered over by the logic of capitalism. The logic of competition that demands strength before what is right and good; strength before sentiment, strength before justice.

Cops: Raise the spectre of the villain and connect to an ending What’s in the box: humans

The Empire extracts Desire.

Sakushu(搾取), the Japanese word used here for extract, also means to milk, squeeze out, or wring out. Sakushu is also the Japanese translation of the Marxist idea of exploitation, in the sense that labor is exploited under capitalism. The imagery is that of a brutal logic of an assembly line of boxed products. It depicts humans packaged as commodities to be consumed, labor to be mined, like batteries in The Matrix.

Desire has a pivotal role in the capitalist logic, as it pertains to things that are not explicitly needs. If you don’t need it, you want it, and that is desire, and its fulfillment is utility. Desire also plays a role in aspiration. The desire for achievement and status encourages labor and greed - the sense that one can never have enough. The mass consumer-laborer is lead to chase the dopamine hit of achievement and acquisition.

With each Zombie, the Cops judge the nature of the Fixation as Love or Desire. The simple, functional difference is that Desire is useful: Love is not. Desire is burned as energy, Love is shredded as waste. The energy given by Desire that these beings - including the Kappa - digest and feed on, is mass-extracted and mass-produced by the Empire, and contributes into the Empire’s power. The extraction of Desire produces a Zombie which moves goods, which brings to mind the logistical feat of the selling of a product, produced for mass consumption.

At the end of episode 7, it’s revealed that the Cops once Loved each other. Tragically, the Robot Cop was turned into a robot. The object of Exotic Cop’s fixation is now artifice. Perhaps this is the evil of corrupt adulthood, capitalist society: the perversion of Love into a Desire for Product. If the evil Empire extracts Desire, in contrast, the magical boys stand for the Love that cannot have Desire extracted out of it.

Who is the naked Man with a Box on his Head?

What to make of the man who’s ashamed of what’s in his head? With the Box as Product, it could symbolize the forsaking of connection and the retreat into porn, virtual reality. It also seems like the predicament of the writer of this story, and any author: the boxing and selling of the human experience into media, to produce content for consumption. Can this writer tell his family about what he’s written?

What is Red Boy’s narrative?

Symbolically: The Boxing of the Girl.

Suppose that everyone originally inherently regards themselves without gender, and there is some part of them that aspires to be a boy, and some part of them that aspires to be a girl. Societally, there is a shaming of the part of a cisboy that aspires to be a girl. It’s the male cisheteronormative narrative, or male compulsory heterosexuality: shut down the self-feminine in shame, and find it in a woman outside of yourself. On the pain of shame: the threat of being expelled from the circle of humanity.

What next?

With the resolution of Red’s arc vis-a-vis his little brother and reaffirmation of his connection and belonging within his family and among his friends, the three protagonists play soccer together in the spirit of communal Love. But their commons are trashed, their hope is stolen - by Green, himself, out of envy for Red and Blue. I can read into this, but I’ll let the anime speak for itself first.

The writer, of Utena fame, is infamous for his tragic stories, but I’m holding out my hopes for a happy resolution. It seems like a return to form for someone whose breakout work was in Sailor Moon.

Genuine Connection: You can’t fake it, you can’t steal it, you can’t consummate it. You can’t soak in it, you can’t forgive it, you can’t give it up, and you want to betray it. How to resolve it?

Unfortunately, sexualization

I have to touch on the fact that the anime is, very, very, unfortunately, pedo, with its sexualization of middle schoolers. (The innuendos are more blatant before translation.) What partly salvages it is that it’s camp. I mean, shit’s wrecked, but that does not mean someone cannot attempt to salvage it. It’s not porn, and a part of me wants to go dumpster diving to explore to what effect the sexual metaphor is used, and what the anime has to say about sexuality. Rough thoughts: the exposé of shame, and the corresponding destruction of the self that accompanies it - a catharsis - jouissance?

#sarazanmai #sarazanmai meta #meta

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bellringermal · 6 years

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Who do you think would win in an all-out fight to the death if Gehrman and Maria ever came to blows? Setting aside those pesky emotional bonds, and assuming they're both at the height of their powers. Maria has the obvious advantages of youth and combustible blood, but I feel there's something to be said for the value of experience, as well as the fact that having invented the Hunter fighting style and trained Maria himself, Gehrman probably knows her own moves and tactics better than she does.

Mmmmh.. let’s take a look at our challengers, shall we?

I think the most important thing to take into consideration is what sort of opponent they were trained to fight in the first place. I’ve always assumed that Maria was a member of the Royal Guards and thus was tasked to protect Annalise from her political opponents and hunt them down for their Blood Dregs. Before she joined the Hunters, Maria was trained to kill other humans and not beasts, since that duty was reserved to the Knights.

Let’s check some extra lore facts to support this theory :3

There’s no evidence in the item descriptions that points towards the Cainhurst Knights using blood blades like the Chikage, but we know for sure that they wielded the Reiterpallasch as shown in the promotional images and in the weapon’s own description.

Rapiers are also the weapon of choice for some of the servants we encounter in the castle.

We also know that the Knights were servants and not nobles, so all of this seems to rule out the possibility of Maria being one of them since we know that she’s a relative of Annalise and consequently, a noble herself. Long story short: Maria, not unlike Eileen, is a Hunter of Hunters even if she kills in the name of Annalise and not to put blood-addled Hunters to rest. This also explains why would she become an apprentice to Gehrman and why in the cut dialogues she refers to him as “Beast Hunter” instead of just Hunter since she comes from a society where the two types of hunters are clearly distinct.

This is also reflected in Maria’s set that is a combination of Knight, Royal Guard, and Hunter gear. Her clothes are that of a beast-slaying Cainhurst Knight (but more practical), her weapon is the signature blood-blade of the nobles while her boots, gloves, and hat are of classic Old Hunters fashion.

All of this to say that, if you ask me, Maria would be way more proficient in killing another human than someone who exclusively hunted down beasts.

But, at the same time, we have no solid proof that Gehrman only did that. First of all, because the line between men and beasts gets very blurry at times and second, because we know that Gehrman delivered “mercy kills” not only to those fully transformed into beasts but possibly even to his own students if they became blood-drunk. Just like Eileen does to Henryk, and possibly, the player.

Gehrman surely saw the hunt as a dirge of farewell, wishing only that his prey might rest in peace, never again to awaken to another harrowing nightmare.[BURIAL BLADE]

Facing a rational opponent is very different from going against a mindless beast. Even us, as players, can experience this by comparing how it feels to fight a beast boss and a humanoid one. Ludwig’s boss fight alone, showcases the different pace and strategy required to fight what is basically a wild animal and an honorable swordsman.

And even when fighting Gehrman and Maria, we can experience first hand their different approach to a 1V1 duel.

Maria’s moveset is precise and elegant, consisting of charged thrusts and wide swipes. The blades of the Rakuyo are reminiscent of the hands of a clock and even some of the animations performed in order to transform the weapon (when combining the two blades back into one, for example) seem to mirror the image of a clock dial. After propelling herself into the air in her jumping attack, Maria plunges down on her opponent and deals AOE damage on impact thanks to her blood arts.

Gehrman on the other hand, deals ranged damage by “pressuring” air itself onto the hunter. (Now, let’s take a moment to appreciate that Gehrman can kill you with fucking air and Maria can kill you with her own blood. If that’s not badass I don’t know what is). Gehrman’s combat style is less refined, but that’s a direct consequence of how large and presumably heavy his weapon of choice is. Even when untransformed, the curved blade is thicker than the Rakuyo and is clearly not a weapon that you can use to poke and stab. The Burial Blade is made to chop off limbs and heads, taking advantage of the long handle to hook and drag the opponent closer before tearing them apart.

Both Maria and Gehrman perform explosive AOE attacks after standing still for a few seconds. Gehrman always faces the moon in the Hunter’s dream during this animation while Maria usually faces the player character. They both perform this animation twice during the fight and each time it marks the beginning of a new phase. Both Maria’s AOE animations are potentially deadly to the player while Gehrman’s first one doesn’t deal any damage but signals his connection to the Moon Presence. Maria’s second AOE attack sees her levitate above the ground as the blood swirls around her. This can be taken as proof that Maria’s abilities transcend those of regular Vilebloods (as if the inflammable blood wasn’t enough!) and placing her in the same league as Queen Yharnam that can make the player character levitate while dealing damage. Yharnam also conjures blood blades by stabbing herself (through the hand, with her ritual knife) just like Maria does.

Gehrman’s “supernatural” abilities on the other hand, consist exclusively in attack and speed boosts offered to him by Moon Presence. Maria’s powers don’t look nearly as situational as Gehrman’s do.

On a mere physical level, I would assume Gehrman to be stronger because of sheer size and level of strength required to lift and use a heavier weapon. But as far as mobility is concerned, I think that Maria would move way faster and have overall a superior attack speed.

Experience surely would play a part in this death battle, but that is something that is harder to quantify in a lore-friendly manner. Some people think that Gehrman was a random dude (even a farmer, according to some) with no combat experience whatsoever that improvised himself a Hunter when the beasts became a real threat, presumably during his adulthood. In my headcanons, on the other hand, he was trained since childhood and had been a Beast Hunter for about 20 years when Maria joined the Old Hunters. In any case, the age gap surely gives Gehrman a huge advantage on Maria when it comes to mere combat and survival experience.

As you pointed out, another thing to consider is how familiar Gehrman would be with Maria’s techniques since he’s the one who taught her many of her tricks and moves. The jumping attack, in particular, feels very “Gehrman” to me :P but Maria never forgot her original Cainhurst combat techniques and after so much time spent training with Gehrman she would’ve learned a few things about his weaknesses as well.

I am confident in saying that anyone who faced Gehrman would affirm that his prosthetic leg doesn’t impair his movements in any way, but at the same time it’s hard to believe that this is 100% true.

In conclusion, I think that such a duel would be rather spectacular to witness and that the outcome wouldn’t be predictable until the very end, considering how fast and vicious both Gehrman and Maria can be. But to conclude, my money would be on Maria.

She has a wider set of skills due to her upbringing in Cainhurst, natural blood abilities inherited from her Pthumerian ancestry and Gehrman himself surely did his best to teach her how to overcome her flaws.

#anon ask #gehrman the first hunter #lady maria of the astral clocktower #headcanons #lore #combat #1v1 battle #soulsborne #bloodborne

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hellomissmabel · 6 years

Text

Et coronam florum (III)

MASTERLIST

Pairings: Forest spirit!Bucky x wicca!reader

Warnings: Death.

Word count: 1.5k

Summary: Every spring, the forest spirits come to collect three gifts. These gifts allow the spirits to restore a part of your soul from a past life. But Y/N doesn’t believe in this tradition anymore and one year, the spirits take her with them into the forest.

A/N: I have the flu but managed to post it :) Written for @bithors

Series masterlist can be found here

After you’ve closed your eyes, you open them again in the meadow near to the royal castle. You’d expected Bucky to bring your sleeping body to the edge of the forest, but he has been so kind as to take you as far as your new home on the other end of the realm. A blush rises to your cheeks with a warm feeling as you think about it.

When you’re welcomed back at the palace, a worried prince awaits you in your bedroom. He is happy to see you again and wraps you up in his arms, kissing you chastely. “I was worried I’d have to cancel the wedding because you wanted to stay in the forest,” he jokes with a soft smile and another tender peck to the lips. You don’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

As another year flies by, you grow accustomed to your life as a princess and you realise you’ve suddenly got more than three things to be grateful for. For instance your husband Steve, who will make a fine ruler one day and a great father in less than nine months. You have your friends and your brother, who is now also living in the castle.

The people of the realm love you and they understand how important the work you do is. In the past year, you’ve successfully re-introduced the forest to them. The flowers around the forest are thriving and after a heavy storm flooded most of the land surrounding the magical forest, you and the people of your realm worked together into restoring the nature of your kingdom. Something your mother would be very proud of.

So when spring comes around again, you’re the first in line to see Bucky and the other forest spirits again. You’re impatient because you have no idea how he’ll react, but you’re also proud as you’ve now got three gifts with you whereas in the past two years you only had one. Steve senses your excitement yet believes it’s for a different reason. He still doesn’t know that your heart will always yearn for the existence of a forest spirit and the man you’ve come to desire so secretly.

Darkness falls over the entrance of the forest and you immediately feel there’s something wrong. Firstly, all the spirits should’ve been here by now to collect the gifts and give their blessings. Secondly and more importantly, this side of the forest is a long way removed from the darker areas of the woods. This type of darkness is unfamiliar and frankly, dangerous.

You tell everyone to go home and return tomorrow, as obviously the spirits won’t make it today. The people oblige and don’t question your decision, as they know that as a wicca you’re connected to the forest in more ways than they can understand. When it’s just you and Steve and some of the royal guards, you move towards the entrance of the forest. Very carefully, you call upon the spirits with a soft enchantment, Steve chiming in once he catches on to your idea.

Your singing voice grows silent once you hear mumbling coming from nearby rose bushes, a bit further down into the forest but not too far removed so you can’t call it trespassing yet. Asking Steve to stay back and watch out for any spirits, good or bad, that wish to tell you off, you venture closer to the whimpers. It is then that you see the rose bush has no thorns and all the roses are in fact a vivid blood red.

Next to the rose bush is the forest spirit, Bucky, his beautiful left arm wounded as it bleeds and the blood inspires the colour of the roses. The forest doesn’t let his life force go to waste and uses his blood to create more roses all around his body.

“Bucky,” you gasp as you crouch down next to him, cradling his half-conscious body in your arms. “What happened?”

He can barely speak, his lips moving slowly as quiet whispers leave his mouth. “Some of the spirits turned against the forest. They’ve witnessed some of the horrors in the other realms, men invading villages, killing children and raping women and young girls. They don’t believe anymore in the good of the people and started to refuse gifts until eventually the rebellion grew and they started attacking humans too.”

“I tried to stop them from burning down your realm as well. I succeeded in driving them away but they knew where to strike me. Y/N, I can feel the forest accepting my sacrifice. I don’t have long, Y/N.”

Carding his hair away from his eyes, you attempt a few spells and herbal remedies with nearby plants in order to save his life, but they’re all in vain as he is right, the forest has already begun harvesting his magical abilities. His time has come.

“I have served this forest for a century, Y/N. I am one hundred years old. It is time for me to go.” His eyes plead with you, to let him go, to let him die. “But I will never leave you. I will be yours forever.” He releases a deep yet shaky breath and points to the roses. “You fill find me in every rose. You will feel me in every flower that grows here.”

“Bucky… Tell me what to do. I don’t want to leave you here,” you beg with the spirit, pressing your lips to his forehead as you cry soft tears.

He shakes his head and coughs, his face contorting in pain. “You don’t have to do anything.” After taking your hand in his, Bucky’s blue eyes turn a dark green as he completes the transformation. It takes you a while before you figure out what he’s doing. He is restoring your soul, fully restoring your soul.

“They have destroyed the Tree of the past. Us spirits had to absorb the energy of the leaves, it’s the only way we could save your people. I am restoring your soul and you will be a very powerful wicca now. Your child will be a very powerful wicca too.”

You rest your fingers on his lips and ask him to stop talking as it only causes him more discomfort. You want him to go peacefully. “Thank you.” Your eyes are sad yet your lips curl into a small smile. “I love you.”

He does not say it back but you know he does too. “Y/N, in your past life… you and I did meet. I was still human and you were the daughter of a hunter. I saved his life when a stag almost killed him. In return he offered me your hand but I declined.”

“Why?,” you ask confused, surprised by all this new information.

“Because I wanted you to choose for yourself.”

And with these final words, Bucky’s life force leaves him and cascades into the field of flowers that his blood has created, growing all around you now.

Wiping away the tears, you drop Bucky hand gently onto the flowerbed, his body slowly being covered by roses without thorns. In the distance, you can hear Steve calling out for you as he enters the forest as well. He immediately knows once he lays eyes on your tear-swollen cheeks and he sits down next to you while you both watch Bucky’s body truly become one with the forest.

Nine months later you welcome a baby girl into your family. Her name is Rose, after the roses without thorns that now grow all over the kingdom. Three years later, you give birth to a baby boy and decide to name him Bucky. When they are old enough to remember things well into adulthood, you take them to the place where Bucky’s body still rests. The flowers are always there, always blooming, and every year on the anniversary of his death, you lay a flower crown down onto his grave.

You’ve ventured further into the forest, with the permission of the spirits who are aware of your connection to Bucky and respect you, a wicca of great power and poise. Together with Steve, you eventually open the forest to all the people, learning them to appreciate the beauty of nature and the essence of giving and taking. When you give to the forest, the forest gives back to you. When you take from the forest, the forest takes from you. In the end, nature always has the final vote.

Bucky’s memory forever lives on in your children and the work you have done for the realm. Your children grow up to be loving and caring wiccas, and upon your death you as well as your husband Steve both join the council of forest spirits where you are reunited with Bucky’s soul.

Tag list: @melconnor2007 @learisa @mrshopkirk @dont-speak-just-read @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep @lovemarvelousfics @pleasantdreamqueen @petersunderroos @palaiasaurus64 @ssweet-empowerment @lovemarvelousfics @rrwilson66 @reniescarlett @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @barnes-heaven @abovethesmokestacks @marvelrevival @marvel-fanfiction @justanotherbuckydevotee @barnes-heaven @heartmade-writingbucky @buckyywiththegoodhair @captnbarnesrogers @a-little-hell-to-raise @knittingknerdy @milkywaybarnes @hymnofthevalkyrie @feelmyroarrrr @justareader @howlingbarnes @themcuhasruinedme @persephonesinferno @honey-bee-holly @delicatecapnerd @tomhollandzs @aletheladyinred @xbergiex @capbuckybuchanan @pegasusdragontiger @sebstanchrisevanchickforever19 @sophiealiice @sarahmatthews7 @lumelgy @kudosia @moonbeambucky @suz-123 @breezy1415 @always-an-evans-addict @thefanficfaerie @4theluvofall @curvybihufflepuff @caplansteverogers @amrita31199 @isnt-the-blog-youre-looking-for @holomasque @pineapplebooboo @thefridgeismybestie @supernatural508 @supernaturaldean67 @cant-decide-at-this-moment @mehrmonga @specs15 @kanupps06 @daisiesandbooks101 @sarahgracej @jasurahe13 @nerdyandproud9 @geeksareunique @jesspfly @badassbaker @whenallsaidanddone @ailynalonso15 @thebookisbtr @animechick725 @true-queen-of-mischief @crazy-little-thing-called-buck @ugh-supersoldiers @california-grown @dreamer7black @flopmalum

#kumis5kchallenge #forest spirit!bucky x reader #forest spirit!bucky x wicca!reader #bucky x reader #steve x reader #prince!steve x reader #prince!steve x wicca!reader #fantasy!au

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1000000dreams · 6 years

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My Testimony (part 2 of 2)

If you don’t already know how I came to Christ, you can read that journey here. I made the choice to come out at my church fellowship, and I couldn’t have asked for a better coming out. I was a gay Christian who was following the path to celibacy. But my return to my hometown brought me a new challenge to face.

OUT OF THE CLOSET - How I became visible

Moving back in with my parents wasn’t easy. We had more of the same arguments, and I felt caught between my family and my faith. Eventually, this dispute went from deep contention to deep respect. From the shadows of disputation came the dawn of honesty. What I thought was a terrible experience with my family turned out to be the very thing that would bring us closer together.

This winter, I decided to buy a ticket to the annual Gay Christian Network conference. This year it was in Denver, CO. I heard about it through a straight ally, and I’ve always wanted to know more about the organization. I was not prepared for what God had in store for me.

Aside from finally being in a space where I don’t feel out of place, and meeting online friends in real life, and feeling instantly connected with people who are from completely different cultures,...there were 3 takeaway points I got from GCN:

1. There are parts of my identity I never noticed were there.

I noticed this when I was around other Side B folks, especially the ones who were more out than me and happened to be more flamboyant than me. I noticed myself being comfortable expressing my - for a lack of a better term - “femininity.” It was shocking to me how comfortable I felt expressing this side of me. It was like flapping a pair of wings I didn’t know I had. Was I suppressing my “gay” side my whole life? What else was hiding inside of me that was afraid to see the light?

2. Side A people aren’t bad Christians.

I’ve been told my whole Christian life that Side A people were twisting or watering down the Bible, treading dangerous waters, living a life of lies, or just straight up not Christians. This negative picture of them caused me to cling to what I thought was the only way, which is to believe that God had called all gay Christians to celibacy. I especially cling since I still sometimes believe and act like I’m a new Christian. I could finally sit down and talk to Side A Christians face-to-face and hear from their perspectives what God was revealing to them.

3. Side A and Side B are not opposites.

These two camps were polarized by my peers. I’ve been told they “can’t both be right” and that they are on opposite sides. There is actually a lot the two sides have in common. The most important one is that we both want to help our churches understand and nourish us. Rather than argue theology, we should unite in helping our churches succeed, and we can learn from one another in the process. I also got to meet a few Side A folks that used to be Side B, and what that journey was like.

I could write several blog posts of how God used GCN (now called Q Christian Fellowship or QCF) for me. But in summary, this conference made me a beautiful picture of what the kingdom of God was like, and how I could be a part of that as a gay man. You can imagine the huge contrast I noticed coming back home.

I’ve been attending a large 1000+ congregation church ever since I moved back to my hometown. And even though I had been there for 2 years, I had not met a single other LGBT person that attends it. Realizing my lack of an LGBT network, I decided to seek non-religious LGBT friends for the first time. In doing so, after being out of the closet for 5 years, I could finally accept myself as part of the LGBT community. I came out on Facebook because I realized how many churches lacked an LGBT voice. I could finally let my Christian and non-Christian friends know that gay Christians exist and we have something to say.

OUT OF THE DARK - How God became visible to me through a new lens.

I was still feeling uncomfortable about my feelings. Was I supposed to live my life having crushes on men all the time and then just do NOTHING about it? To help me make logical sense of myself, I took the bold step to download a dating app for the first time in my life. Although it was exhilarating at first, I eventually realized the downsides to online dating and reeled it back to just passively looking. There were still a lot of questions I needed answers to.

I read books by Kathy Baldock and Justin Lee, and I was listening to countless episodes of the Queerology podcast. I was having conversations with LGBT Christians online, and I found a local LGBT bible study group. I was (and always was) an information sponge.

I got to a point in which I realized how Side A Christians seemed no different from the rest. They wanted to live life in honor of Christ, they want to center their relationships around His word, they make great parents, and they even seek out premarital counseling just like a straight Christian couple would. I got to a point where I was uncomfortable believing that God’s call to celibacy applied to EVERY LGBT person.

I started to become bitter at my lack of LGBT exposure in my adulthood. It was even more evident when I realized I had only gone to heterosexual Christian weddings for the last 8 or so years of my life. What was marriage? What defined a Christian marriage if I had never gone to a secular one? What defined marriage if I had never gone to a homosexual one?

God answered my last question in a humorous way. I got to finally “attend” my first same-sex wedding by watching two female characters in a TV show propose and marry. I watched that episode with a queer friend of mine. “Why do you still believe what you believe, Derek?,” they asked me. “I feel like I’ve been supportive most of your life, and your parents have been supportive most of your life. So why do you still believe what you believe?” I summarized to them Side B theology and explained I was still in between B and A. It challenged me and made me do a lot of thinking.

I had the opportunity to attend my first ever affirming church - although it was only 5 people and we met in the back of a restaurant. The pastor was really wise, and they had been in the gay church for decades. I really saw a deep care for people like me. A respect for seeking God in a way that only LGBT people can seek Him. As I drove my friend home from that church, I couldn’t help but be excited. I was excited to meet more people like that and have more conversations with them. My friend looked over at me and said something that really stuck with me.

“Derek, it’s great that you want to meet all these people and talk with them. But you can’t have them decide for you what to believe. Only you can decide what you believe.”

I nodded and kept driving, but they were right. I needed to make this a personal decision.

That night, I couldn’t shake the feeling that God was trying to tell me something. I went outside to the pool area in my apartment complex and lied down on one of the orange lounge chairs. The only light that was illuminating the dark, star-less sky was a single lamp post and the blue glow from the water. I decided to call up a friend.

I wasn’t sure what God wanted me to do, so I just prayed with them on the phone. I began praying about how God made me and how I enjoyed the Earth he put me on. I prayed how diverse he made us yet how we couldn’t live up to His perfection. And then I realized the other beautiful thing He gave me. The power of choice.

By this time, my words could no longer be comprehensible over the tears and the sounds coming from my heart. My friend finished the prayer and thanked me for letting them into this experience. They ended the call. I cried for another 19 minutes. I couldn’t move my fingers. I couldn’t get up off the lounge chair. My body was aching with whatever was transforming me at the moment. But I was extremely emotional because I realized the power of choice.

God gave me the choice to believe in Him or not to believe in Him back in my freshman year of college.

God gave me the choice to come out or not to come out when I was about to graduate.

God gave me the choice to stay at my old church or move across California to live back with my parents.

And finally, God gave me to the choice to believe in Side A or in Side B.

What was preventing me from choosing Side A? That I would lose community. That I would lose all the people who had supported me when I was choosing Side B. That some of my churches would look at me with shame if I started dating another man. That some of my friends would not attend my wedding if I decided to marry that man.

But you know what? God’s love is greater than that. God’s love is greater than my friends’ love for me. Instead of fearing what I would lose, I could hope for what I could gain. I could gain a more beautiful and authentic life. A life in which I no longer felt like I was cursed, but a life in which I was blessed. The beauty of God’s LGBT children was extremely evident in that moment, and transcended all of the fear I had of my non-affirming friends’ judgments. So I guess you could say that’s when I became Side A.

Since then, I have remained a huge ally to the Side B community, and I have received love from every person that I came out to as Side A. I hope to follow God and explore what it means to be a gay Christian, and I hope that anyone who reads this will be inspired to learn more about people like me while living their own authentic lives. I hope to have continual conversations around this topic, and I hope to humbly learn from those who have different opinions and beliefs than me. Thank you for reading, and I hope we can all bring peace to this complex life we all live <3

#gaychristian #side b #side a #love #jesus #christ #gcn #qcf

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hybrid-machine · 6 years

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Ponderings on freedom, individuality and balance.

So I’m not sure where to begin but I felt like reflecting. It brings me back to my centre. The theme I’m going for seems to be individuality, freedom and balance.

There has been unwanted emotions, a bit of turbulence, a bit of uncertainty, frustrations, habitual emotions. A bit of inner and outer conflict. I seem to have stopped striving as much, and I’m sort of just happy to accept the turbulences of humanity as they come. Each a challenge to transmute. I know I take my time, and I’m okay with that. The pace I take is one of steadiness. So as I’ve gained some confidence in my abilities and attitude, it has bumped heads with others. I think you’ve gotta keep transforming yourself, keep destroying and recreating yourself. I also think you’ve gotta stop yourself from absorbing too much, as it can be toxic, but especially in a technologically sprouting world where information is becoming overwhelming. The world is almost forcing us to speed up our thinking and our activities, and while that is certainly possible, it’s not healthy for long-term. This is the time to shine you know. You’re young and energetic and bursting with ideas. Your inner power wants to be known. When you’re youngest, you’re absorbing what others older than you have given you. When you’re much older, you are resting with your experiences, and allowing the younger generations to take over. When you are middle range, you are transmuting and dancing with the inner creative power. The potential is so inviting! Yet scary, I know. There’s also an impasse that I’ve reached with people as I’ve matured. An impasse with older generations, parentals. It’s been most uncomfortable realising that you become two different people, with different views, no longer attached. There’s a frustration, as there is a freedom in that. An impasse with others in general. What doesn’t serve me, is painful to witness. I’m becoming less comfortable with being too open, too receptive, too naive. I need balance in all forms of experience and people. I’ve been very emotionally in tune, but reacting in perhaps selfish ways. I’ve fostered too much of a nurturing vibe in youth, and I think I need to redirect it to building what I need, rather than what others need. I feel walls go up a little. I’m not as enthusiastic and excitable, but more calculating and driven. I’m centered in a balance that has helped me be a much more adaptable person, not afraid to collaborate with people. But I admit, I should be giving myself more me-time to pull out my inner power. Freedom and individuality are kind of uncomfortable things. You’re no longer in a comfortable nest where everybody thinks in a hive like manner, which is refreshing but also isolating. Your freedom of choice can be crippling if you’re indecisive, but liberating if you know how to navigate the vast ocean of possibilities. You suddenly need to troubleshoot problems and make decisions on a whim which puts you on a rapid transformative path. Your peers are now all ages and backgrounds, and finding the right people can be a difficult commitment to trust. Sometimes you even have to forego your old habits to strive to extend yourself to new skills. Skills that you now consciously choose. Many of my habits have become more conscious to me. Some childhood insecurities also. But tending to that inner child allows me to feel a bit stronger, protective of my future habits. Becoming conscious of myself, and of the larger psychology of humans, helps me relate better, helps me understand more broadly and more inwardly. Adulthood is this piercing wisdom that constantly regenerates. I say piercing, because it can be terrifying.

Fear is also something I’ve felt recently that I’d like to transmute. I haven’t quite figured out exactly why I feel fear, its been mostly subconscious but I can sense it. I think it stems around my direction and my supports. It has to do with creative energy I believe, kundalini. That’s probably why I had snake dreams as well as flying dreams in the same night. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of.. maybe a need for deep connectivity. Purpose is everyone’s fear and need, perhaps it’s that also. I guess I’ll take some time to ponder this.

#spirituality #thoughts #personal #adulthood #generations #fear #balance #freedom #individuality

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gadgetgirl71 · 3 years

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Top Ten Tuesday 19 January 2021

Welcome to this weeks Top Ten Tuesday. Originally created by The Broke & The Bookish, which is now hosted by Jana @ That Artsy Reader Girl. Each week it features a book or literary themed category. This weeks prompt is:

Books I Meant to Read In 2020 but Didn’t Get To

(You could take this opportunity to tell us what’s left on your seasonal TBRs from last year. Or books you were super excited about and then you didn’t get to them.)

A Springtime Affair by Katie Fforde

It’s the season of new beginnings for Helena and Gilly.

Gilly runs her own B&B business from her much-loved family home, which she doesn’t want to part with – at any price.

But that’s before she meets handsome estate agent Leo, and soon she begins to wonder whether selling up might not be such a bad idea after all.

Meanwhile Gilly’s daughter Helena has a budding romance of her own. A talented weaver, she’s becoming very close to her new landlord, Jago, who’s offered to help her at an upcoming craft fair.

It’s what friends do, and they are just friends. Aren’t they?

With spring in full bloom, Helena and Gilly begin to ask themselves the same question:

Might their new loves lead to happily ever after?

Breathless by Jennifer Niven

Before: With graduation on the horizon, budding writer Claudine Henry is making plans: college in the fall, become a famous author, and maybe–finally–have sex. She doesn’t even need to be in love. Then her dad drops a bombshell: he’s leaving Claude’s mother. Suddenly, Claude’s entire world feels like a lie, and her future anything but under control.

After: Claude’s mom whisks them away to the last place Claude could imagine nursing a broken heart: a remote, mosquito-infested island off the coast of Georgia. But then Jeremiah Crew happens. Miah is a local trail guide with a passion for photography–and a past he doesn’t like to talk about. He’s brash and enigmatic, and even more infuriatingly, he’s the only one who seems to see Claude for who she wants to be. So when Claude decides to sleep with Miah, she tells herself it’s just sex, nothing more. There’s not enough time to fall in love, especially if it means putting her already broken heart at risk.

Compulsively readable and impossible to forget, Jennifer Niven’s luminous new novel is an insightful portrait of a young woman ready to write her own story.

Meet me in London by Georgia Toffolo

What do you do when your fake engagement starts to feel too real…

Aspiring clothes designer Victoria Scott spends her days working in a bar in Chelsea, and her evenings designing vintage clothes, dreaming of one day opening her own boutique. But these aspirations are under threat from the new department store opening at the end of her road. She needs a Christmas miracle, but one is not forthcoming.

Oliver Russell’s Christmas is not looking very festive right now. His family’s new London department store opening is behind schedule, and on top of that his interfering, if well meaning, mother is pressing him to introduce his girlfriend to her. A girlfriend who does not exist. He needs a diversion. Something to keep his mother from interfering while he focuses on the business.

When Oliver meets Victoria, he offers a proposition: pretend to be his girlfriend at the opening of his store and he will provide an opportunity for Victoria to showcase her designs. But what starts as a business arrangement soon becomes something more tempting, as the fake relationship starts to feel very real. But when secrets in Victoria’s past are exposed will Oliver walk away, or will they both follow their hearts and find what neither knew they were looking for…

Our Story by Miranda Dickinson

Otty has just landed her dream job. She’s about to join the writing team of one of the most respected showrunners in TV. And then the night before her first day, she’s evicted from her flat.

Joe has been working with Russell for years. He’s the best writer on his team, but lately something has been off. He’s trying to get his mojo back, but when his flatmate moves out without warning he has other things to worry about.

Otty moving into Joe’s house seems like the most obvious solution to both their problems, but neither is prepared for what happens next. Paired together in the writing room, their obvious chemistry sparks from the page and they are the writing duo to beat. But their relationship off the page is an entirely different story, and neither of them can figure out why.

And suddenly the question isn’t, will they, or won’t they? It’s why won’t they?

An epic and modern love story for our times, we will all see ourselves reflected in Otty and Joe. We are our own biggest barriers and this novel explores what happens when we get out of our own way. And it is glorious.

The Summer Villa by Melissa Hill

Three women. One summer reunion. Secrets will be revealed…

Villa Dolce Vita, a rambling stone house on the Amalfi Coast, sits high above the Gulf of Naples amid dappled lemon groves and fragrant, tumbling bougainvillea. Kim, Colette and Annie all came to the villa in need of escape and in the process forged an unlikely friendship.

Now, years later, Kim has transformed the crumbling house into a luxury retreat and has invited her friends back for the summer to celebrate.

But as friendships are rekindled under the Italian sun, secrets buried in the past will come to light, and not everyone is happy that the three friends are reuniting… Each woman will have things to face up to if they are all to find true happiness and fully embrace the sweet life.

An epic summer read about food, friendship and the magic of Italy, perfect for fans of Mary Kay Andrews and Susan Mallery.

A Home from Home by Veronica Henry

Sunshine, cider and family secrets…

Dragonfly Farm has been a home and a haven for generations of Melchiors – arch rivals to the Culbones, the wealthy family who live the other side of the river. Life there is dictated by the seasons and cider-making, and everyone falls under its spell.

For cousins Tabitha and Georgia, it has always been a home from home. When a tragedy befalls their beloved great-uncle Matthew, it seems the place where they’ve always belonged might now belong to them…

But the will reveals that a third of the farm has also been left to a total stranger. Gabriel Culbone has no idea why he’s been included, or what his connection to the farm – or the Melchiors – can be.

As the first apples start to fall for the cider harvest, will Dragonfly Farm begin to give up its secrets?

Ask Again, Yes by Mary Beth Keane

How much can a family forgive?

A profoundly moving novel about two neighboring families in a suburban town, the bond between their children, a tragedy that reverberates over four decades, the daily intimacies of marriage, and the power of forgiveness.

Francis Gleeson and Brian Stanhope, two rookie cops in the NYPD, live next door to each other outside the city. What happens behind closed doors in both houses—the loneliness of Francis’s wife, Lena, and the instability of Brian’s wife, Anne—sets the stage for the explosive events to come.

Ask Again, Yes is a deeply affecting exploration of the lifelong friendship and love that blossoms between Francis and Lena’s daughter, Kate, and Brian and Anne’s son, Peter. Luminous, heartbreaking, and redemptive, Ask Again, Yes reveals the way childhood memories change when viewed from the distance of adulthood—villains lose their menace and those who appeared innocent seem less so. Kate and Peter’s love story, while tested by echoes from the past, is marked by tenderness, generosity, and grace.

Behind Red Lips by M R Smith

Her confidantes are a rubber duck and a diary she calls Rajah. She tiptoes on the edge of the love cliff, but to her an imaginary love life is safer than taking the plunge with a real one. She dreams about men who remind her of her long lost love, Mason, yet when she bumps into him she panics and runs away.

Her heart crushed by a long-ago betrayal, Charlotte cannot find happiness unless she confronts the ghosts of her past and deals with the realities of the present.

This touching love story wends its way through the ups and downs of Charlotte’s life as she tries to deal with her emotional problems and find a way to heal her broken heart.

The Fountains of Silence by Ruta Sepetys

A portrait of love, silence, and secrets under a Spanish dictatorship.

Madrid, 1957. Under the fascist dictatorship of General Francisco Franco, Spain is hiding a dark secret. Meanwhile, tourists and foreign businessmen flood into Spain under the welcoming promise of sunshine and wine. Among them is eighteen-year-old Daniel Matheson, the son of an oil tycoon, who arrives in Madrid with his parents hoping to connect with the country of his mother’s birth through the lens of his camera. Photography–and fate–introduce him to Ana, whose family’s interweaving obstacles reveal the lingering grasp of the Spanish Civil War–as well as chilling definitions of fortune and fear. Daniel’s photographs leave him with uncomfortable questions amidst shadows of danger. He is backed into a corner of difficult decisions to protect those he loves. Lives and hearts collide, revealing an incredibly dark side to the sunny Spanish city.

Includes vintage media reports, oral history commentary, photos, and more.

The Women at Hitler’s Table by Rosella Postorino

Inspired by the powerful true story of Margot Wölk, this is a heartbreaking and gripping historical novel for fans of The Tattooist of Auschwitz and The Beekeeper of Aleppo

East Prussia, 1943. Hitler hides away in the Wolfsshanze – his hidden headquarters. The tide is turning in the war and his enemies circle ever closer. Ten women are chosen. Ten women to taste his food and protect him from poison.

Twenty-six-year-old Rosa has lost everything to this war. Her parents are dead. Her husband is fighting on the front line. Alone and scared, she faces the SS with nothing but the knowledge every bite might be her last. Caught on the wrong side of history, how far is Rosa willing to go to survive?

Until next week.

#JustForFun, #Top Ten Tuesday, #TopTenTuesday, #TTT

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lettersofsky · 6 years

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There’s A Difference Between Cats and Dogs

Third one of these! This one’s ok! I’m happy with it!

Ko-Fi

Both person A and B are skinwalkers, able to transform into their spirit animal once they come of age. There has to have been a mix-up though, because there’s no way these forms are right….right?

Today was the day, the one Cloud had been preparing for almost a half-year. This day only came once a year and it marked the progression from childhood to adulthood for skinwalkers; the day they first changed into their animal skin, the one that represented who they were as an individual.

Cloud was expecting to change into a wolf of some kind, like the rest of his family, but his Ma told him that things didn’t always turn out the way he expected them to. He kept her words in his mind of course, but he still expected to be a wolf.

He wasn’t the only one that would be experiencing his first change tonight, there was also everyone who’d come of age in the past year, some having waited months for this day to come and traveling miles to get here. He travelled at the back of the group from Nibelheim to the Gathering Grounds past Cosmo Canyon, the furthest village from the lush plains they gathered in every year, on this continent at least.

The Gathering Grounds on the Western Continent the last that remained after Shinra had decided to spread their influence and start to build their cities and Reactors on what was once sacred land. His Ma told him this change was responsible for the dwindling numbers of skinwalkers anywhere that wasn’t a village like Nibelheim or the forest village of Gongaga, which consisted primarily of skinwalkers and less than a handful of humans.

They arrived at the Grounds early in the morning, having travelled through the night to arrive on time, and spent a bit of time setting up their tents amongst the group that had already gotten there. It was fairly obvious that Cloud was distant from the rest of the group from Nibelheim, setting himself up a bit away from the other’s and keeping to himself as the rest of the group remained grouped together.

He expected to spend the rest of the day alone, resting in preparation of the evening, the tall, pretty red-haired man that dropped down to the ground next to him dashed those expectations. Cloud blinked up at the stranger, taking in the higher quality of his clothing in comparison to Cloud’s own before meeting the bright blue eyes that stared at his own darker gaze.

“Hi?” Cloud said after a moment of silence, mentally berating himself for how hesitant he sounded to his own ears.

“Hello,” the other man said in return, voice deep with an accent of some kind. Fine, crimson brows were furrowed over his eyes, obviously as unimpressed with Cloud’s introduction as he himself was. “You arrived with the group from Cosmo Canyon, yes?”

“I’m from Nibelheim, actually,” Cloud answered softly, dropping his gaze from the other’s as he spoke. It was much easier to talk to the other when he wasn’t looking directly at him, he was definitely a bit too pretty for Cloud to deal with. “It’s a bit further past the Canyon, in the mountains.”

“Makes sense,” the other mused, leaning back on his hands and casting his gaze over Cloud. “Someone as pale as you wouldn’t survive in the desert. Cold mountains are more understandable.”

Cloud couldn’t do much more than nod at the other’s words, unable to think of anything to say to him. He didn’t seem to mind though as he simply offered his hand for Cloud to take, fingers long, pale and calloused in Cloud’s own when reached out to take it.

“I’m Genesis,” he said as they shook hands. “I’m from Banora myself, on the Southern Continent.”

“I’m Cloud,” he answered quietly, giving Genesis what he hoped was a steady smile.

“Well Cloud,” Genesis started, testing his name on his tongue. “How long have you been waiting?”

“About a week-and-a-half.” He answered softly, well-aware of how lucky he was to have his birthday so close to the day.

“I’ve been waiting almost a year myself,” Genesis responded, choosing not to draw attention to Cloud’s answer. “My own birthday’s two days from now.”

“I can’t imagine how frustrating that must have been,” Cloud said with a wince, trying to comprehend needing to wait an entire year to discover a vital part of himself.

“I kept myself busy,” Genesis shrugged, turning his gaze to the other people still setting up close by to them. “A friend and I moved to Midgar to find work. Things have been working out quite well for me.”

“That’s good,” Cloud responded, slowly relaxing next to the other man. He was glad that he hadn’t insulted the other accidentally. “What do you do?”

“We joined SOLDIER,” Genesis answered, turning back to look at Cloud. “They could always use strong humans and they never turn away skinwalkers.”

“So, you’re going back to Midgar once we’re done here?”

“Definitely, there’s no reason to return to Banora.” Genesis explained easily, leaning over to pull a well-worn, leather-bound book from within his pack. “What about you? Any plans for your life?”

“… I’ll go home for a bit and decide from there,” Cloud answered, drawing a blank for anything else. He’d return to Nibelheim and his Ma and live from there as he had done before, wolves were pack animals after all and the only ‘pack’ Cloud had was his Ma.

“No offense, but that sounds awful,” Genesis’ voice was kind so Cloud feel any anger at the other’s words. “I would hate being stuck in Banora with my parents, I’d go mad within the week.”

“It’s alright,” Cloud assured the other. “That’s just the way it’s always been.”

“Perhaps you should consider joining Shinra as well,” Genesis suggested, not looking at Cloud and opening the book in his hands casually. “You could do worse than joining SOLDIER.”

Cloud swallowed with a shrug, but Genesis wasn’t looking at him, eyes instead trained on the book in his hands. They remained quiet the rest of the morning, each of them waiting for the evening to begin so they could finally transform for the first time.

Nights falls soon enough and they all gather in front of the elders that will be leading the ceremony, changed into clothes that they didn’t care if they destroyed them in the next few hours. Cloud tried to focus on what the elders were saying, the woman who’d approached them in the skin of a deer was certainly saying something that he needed to hear but he simply couldn’t focus on her.

There were far too many people around him and his skin crawled as he was seemingly pressed in on at all sides, though logic told him that there was more than enough space between himself and those around him. But the itching under his skin wouldn’t stop, the feeling that something was trying to emerge from inside of him held his attention as it continued to grow.

He could smell Genesis next to him, the man’s scent of books and apples was oddly reassuring amongst the plethora of other smells that threatened to overwhelm him. He was very close to simply burying his face in the other’s shirt just to block out everything else around him, but that might’ve been weird, and he really didn’t want to freak the other man out.

He was broken from his spiralling thoughts by the elder in front of them. “Your first transformation is already starting, some of you may already be feeling the effects, perhaps you’ve been feeling them for some time. Tonight, you shall connect with the Lifestream and become whole.”

Cloud flinched when Genesis turned to him, the rest of the group moving to follow the elder. He tried to meet the other’s gaze, but couldn’t manage to focus on the other’s concerned expression for too long before he was dropping his eyes once more.

He snapped his attention back to Genesis when the man draped his flannel over his shoulders, the fabric a few sizes too large on his frame. Genesis blinked at him for a moment before nodding decisively. “There,” he said brightly, looping his arm through Cloud’s and directing him towards the rest of the group. “That’s much better.”

“W-what about you?” Cloud asked quietly, following Genesis’ lead.

“I’ll be fine,” Genesis said, sounding all too confident in himself. “Besides, I’ll have myself a gorgeous pelt in a few moments.”

Cloud nodded, deciding that it would be fine if Genesis thought it would be and continued towards where the elders were now arranging them in small groups for the meditation that would allow them to transform into their animal skins.

The next few hours passed in a blur and the next time Cloud was truly aware of himself, he was moving through around the grounds in the skin of a large feline of some kind. He knew that he was the fastest of those gathered here and that very few around him actually offered a threat, fewer still with his companion following him close behind, keeping him separated from those that trembled at the sight of him.

His companion was smaller than he was and a bright, warm red to his gold, moving around him on steady footsteps as they got used to their new forms. His companion’s fur was thicker and warmer than his own, covering muscles meant more for power than the speed that he himself was built for.

He was perfect in that moment, splayed out on the cool grass under the night’s gaze with his companion pressed close to his side, a warm and calming presence as other’s both larger and older than themselves inspected them both from afar and up close.

Waking up, back in his human skin, naked and pressed to an equally naked Genesis’ side was not what he expected at the end of his first transformation. But then again, he’d been expecting to change into a wolf and not some kind of… big cat. He would need to ask someone else what exactly he’d transformed into.

Genesis had been a dog though, of that he was sure, a big, fluffy red dog that Cloud was sure was soft to the touch. He was sure that the other wouldn’t be happy with that, Genesis had believed he’d end up a cat of some variant. The other probably wouldn’t be too happy but that could be dealt with later; Genesis felt warm and content against him and he didn’t want to give up the feeling of the other against him just yet.

“There’s no way I’m a mangy mutt! I refuse!” Cloud was right about Genesis being displeased by his animal skin, he’d been angry since he’d wakened, and the elders trying to calm him and tell him that there wasn’t anything wrong with himself certainly wasn’t helping things.

Cloud was curled under some blankets, it was a warm and thick thing that one of the elders had placed upon him when Genesis had started yelling. They’d tried to offer one to the red-head, but he’d refused it, tossing it to Cloud as he continued to yell at the elder in front of him.

Cloud was happy enough to remain resting on the grass, listening to them argue and taking deep breaths. He burrowed further into the blanket at the feeling of other’s staring at him, trying to make himself as small and unnoticeable next to the eye-catching figure Genesis presented.

A presence falling to the ground next to him broke him from his thoughts. He turned to see that Genesis had stopped yelling and dropped down next to him, uncaring that he was still naked in front of everyone. He offered one of his blankets to the man next to him, but Genesis didn’t take it, hand musing the short strands of his hair.

“You’re, not happy with your animal skin?” Cloud asked softly, fiddling with the blanket in his hands as he waited for Genesis to snap at him for his obviously stupid question.

“I despise dogs,” Genesis hissed lowly, muscles tense and particularly shivering beneath his skin. “There’s no way I’m some stupid mutt.”

“… I think it’s alright,” Cloud said softly, shrinking in on himself when Genesis’ snapped his attention towards him. “It fits better than mine, anyway.” He continued with a shrug, trying to divert Genesis’ gaze from him.

There was a pause between them before Genesis responded, brows furrowed as he stared at him. “You’re a big, anxious cat.” He said, voice deadpan. “I was basically a stress dog last night. That’s not better.”

“I guess we’re both a little disappointed then,” Cloud shrugged, burrowing further into his blankets as Genesis sighed heavily next to him.

“Angeal’s gonna have a field day when I get back.”

#strifesodos #Genesis Rhapsodos #cloud strife #skinwalker AU #shapeshifter AU #FFVII #I finished the things I was banging my head against and got to dedicate some decent time to this #Next is the beginning of the bad idea #Just I made Cloud a big anxious cheetah #And Genesis a warm and fluffy doggo #I wanted to

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chellyfishing · 7 years

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telling a violent story vs using violence as a story

i really want to write this essay but as usual i don’t have the spoons for doing it justice so it’s pretty much just extemporaneous word dumping. anyway.

every story has a different tone about where they draw the line with violence and death. you can probably think of a lot of examples of both ends of the scale. there’s a misconception that being higher up on the violence/death end of the scale is more adult and more realistic, which ps is bullshit thanks bye. if anything it’s a sign of immaturity but that’s sort of beside the point atm.

the point i wanna make is this: it’s not a secret that i have strong feelings about killing off major or otherwise sympathetic characters. i have an opinion about this that differs from the majority in that i don’t like a character dying in order to motivate another character. it’s tacky. it’s cheap. it’s boring. it’s overdone. and a character can motivate another character while like. still being alive? weird right? live characters always present more options than dead ones. (obviously discussions of character death but also #rape mention ahead.)

to me character death should be a result rather than strictly a catalyst. think about ASoIaF, which is much more violent and upsetting than my typical tastes lean but credit where it’s due, GRRM knows how to do character death. when you know they’re coming, it becomes incredibly obvious. choices, circumstances, motivations all come together to create this unavoidable moment. nothing exists in a vacuum. in ASoIaF, death is a result and a catalyst, but not purely for character motivation; rather, it changes the game itself, leading to a domino effect. ned’s death at the end of AGoT is unavoidable, and it turns things on their heads (heheh) for everybody. the red wedding is built up to for a long time, and obviously that goes on to have huge repercussions. so, counterintuitively, one of the most violent stories in the zeitgeist right now is, for the most part (not a perfect record) is telling a violent story without necessarily using violence as a substitute for a story.

contrast with GoT, which throws in rape and gore like glitter to accent their teenage/twenty-something boy hypermasculine wank power fantasy. GoT is at the other end and it’s super gross and disturbing.

one of the best-known and most prolific offenders of “death because death” is joss whedon. it seems to be the only way he knows how to create shocking “plot twists” and heavy emotional drama. and the worst of the worst sins was tara macclay on buffy. the thing about joss is that he thinks he’s being incredibly clever surprising his audience with this stuff. he’s said as much himself. there is no effort to build up to it. it’s just, well, nobody’s died for a little while so idk find something to impale someone on. tara’s death was everything death in fiction should not be. first of all she was a lesbian, and one in a happy relationship to boot. need say no more. second of all she was literally caught in the crossfire. the bullet that killed her was meant for someone else and it just happened to strike her down instead with no effort or chance to save her. third, it had to happen so willow could be evil for a bit. and fourth, most obnoxiously, that episode was the first and only time amber benson appeared in the opening credits. this was done deliberately. i wish i could find the quote but alas. to the best of my recollection joss said they wanted to do something like this with another character, possibly jenny calendar, but were unable. it was fully planned well ahead of time to “trick” the audience, which is kind of... sad? that you feel the need to resort to a meta trick like that to maximize shock value? (oh, and don’t even fucking start me on dr. horrible’s and penny. ffs, joss. that didn’t even fit the fucking tone. fuck.)

there are more examples (i am looking directly at you, the 100) but i think those two pretty much put the cap on that point.

death in a story can be important and moving without making the audience feel cheated. HIMYM is largely a light-hearted romantic comedy, but it’s also one about transitioning to adulthood and what that means. and unfortunately, adulthood often means unexpectedly losing loved ones. the death of marshall’s father was surprising, but less than to motivate marshall in some way, it’s more to clarify that adulthood means loss as much as it means gain. it means change more than anything. also story-wise it was a good choice of character, as marvin had deep important connections to a character we loved without leaving a gaping void full of what might have been.

wynonna earp is another story that knows where to draw the line. most of the “victims” are cartoon villains who are inhuman and already dead. the framing of the story leaves us no reason to have sympathy for these literal monsters. when a more sympathetic or humanized character has to go, it’s because there’s no other choice, and each time rather than being a motivator for wynonna, we can see instead the psychological toll it takes on her. she is someone who is surrounded by death, the one with this burden to make the hard decisions and pull the trigger. she killed her father on accident when she was just 11. she’s forced to kill beloved shorty, who is pretty much family and one of the few people who didn’t think she was trash, in order to save him and potentially a lot more. levi and fish were mercy kills that forced her to confront the fact that these monsters truly were once human. and in the finale she gets a double whammy: willa’s betrayal leaves her once again turning her gun on a family member and fatally pulling the trigger. we’re even relieved to see her shoot bobo, not just because she has to if she ever wants to break the curse but because again there’s another dimension to it, maybe even a tinge of mercy. bobo is not exactly sympathetic, but he is someone with dimension, someone we know. willa pretty much had to go story-wise, if nothing else she was a threat to wynonna’s position as the heir and the show is called wynonna earp. but her death also tied into the themes of the show: how to make and live with hard choices, how to stand up and be the one to do the unthinkable because you’re the only one and you have to, whether you want to or not, how to be the one who bears the hate of the very people you’re sacrificing everything to save.

and of course, i can’t not address harry potter, which i think is hit or miss. surprisingly i think cedric’s death was well-done and important, because it was shocking without being done for shock value, and because it was a result: a result of cedric being honorable and good and at the wrong end of the wand of a man who feels nothing about killing anything not useful to him. and ironically, it should have been a catalyst, but it wasn’t, but that’s its own story: the warning everyone failed to listen to, at their own peril. some deaths were organic in that jkr herself went against her plans once she realized what made more sense for the story. iirc, she’s on record as saying arthur weasley was originally meant to die when he’s attacked in ootp, but she spared him at the last minute. he didn’t need to die, it wouldn’t have added to the story, and killing arthur weasley is like joss whedon-level bullshit. on the other hand, she initially intended to let snape live (again iirc) but here she backed herself in a corner. snape was another result. it became obvious that according to the story there simply wasn’t a feasible way to save him, even if in context his death was for nothing. and of course la pièce de résistance, dumbledore, who is GRRM levels of inevitable and necessary.

i feel different ways about other deaths. they mostly happened for the sake of happening, to remind us it’s a war and people die in wars and she wanted faces and names we knew. that’s fair, as it goes. and i don’t begrudge the fact that she didn’t stop to dwell over some of them, because again, war, chaos, you don’t have time to grieve as it happens. but like. fred? i feel a little cheated. lupin and tonks? especially transparent and... unfulfilling. it was like bringing them together was done only to produce teddy, and then they became more useful dead first so harry would be more important to teddy and also because lupin needed to be there with harry in the woods alongside the rest of the marauders. i think of all the deaths these ones are the ones that bother me the most. just... really... meaningless.

also, the movie feeling the need to go a step further and giving us a nice close-up of lavendar brown’s very dead face because... aesthetic? it’s more ambiguous in the book, and even pottermore can’t seem to decide which way to go. it’s so irrelevant that people can’t agree it even happened.

death isn’t the only kind of violence in fiction or necessarily even the worst, but it is the one that’s always on hand like a tissue to grab as you need and the one that is abused by unimaginative writers who just... can’t think of how else to move the story forward. i do think there is a place for stories that involve rape, because it’s real and just like any other group survivors need to see themselves acknowledged as being real and more than their trauma. i don’t really feel too comfortable speaking for survivors here tbh but i do know that all of us need stories to keep us from feeling isolated and unworthy. but i cringe at the idea that it’s just something that happens to women and therefore let’s add it here, here, here, and here. using it as a turning point for the survivor like assault is enlightening and transformative is gross. using it as a turning point for someone else, usually a man, is A WHOLE LOT GROSSER.

also i just realized i didn’t get into tarantino, but i’m too tired for the kind of analysis his work requires. anyway one of the things i liked about kill bill, for example, is that the violence is so over-the-top that in places it’s comical. the whole film is just so extra. afaik that’s what tarantino was going for.

quick shout-out to snk: my favorite comedy. when this first came out it was hailed as The Best Thing Of The Year, it was SO GOOD, so quality. anyway so i finally got around to watching it. i watched it twice in relative succession in fact. and i laughed a lot. you can ask @second-stringer, she was like “oh my god, i’m in a room with a sociopath.” snk is so extra, but i... don’t think that’s what it was going for. i think it was going for shock! and drama! and plot twists! and look at all that blood and gore and dead people! this is obviously Very Mature! i feel so cool and grown-up watching it! and (sorry, not to get passive aggressive at my mutuals who were into it at any point, this is honestly about conversations i had with or read between people not on tumblr/in other contexts) the general trend was the raves were coming from the younger and frequently male audience. like it was the usual kind of thing where you couldn’t be like, are you... serious? didn’t you find it kind of... ridiculous? because you would be mobbed by rabid fanboys eager to mansplain that i don’t know i stopped listening. anyway, the steep decline in worship for the series over time leaves me feeling smug and satisfied. i actually might still watch it out of morbid curiosity and in the hopes that it’s as funny or, prayer circle, even funnier.

in conclusion, bobby has an email from me that includes a lot of yelling, “DON’T KILL THE LESBIAN. DON’T FUCKING DO IT.” this is my contribution to the cause.

#deep thoughts #this got long

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