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miserablesme · 3 years

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The Les Miserables Changelog Part 3: 1987 Broadway Production

Hello, everyone! This is the latest edition in my attempt to chronicle all of the musical and lyrical changes which the show Les Miserables has undergone over the years. This time, we're going through all the changes between the musical as it existed on the West End around 1985-1986 and the revised libretto for the 1987 Broadway production.

In some ways, this is a much easier changelog to compile than the last two simply because it is much easier to find audio evidence of the show from this era than from its pre-1987 self. We have a full soundboard of the original Broadway cast as well as a very good quality bootleg of the very first Broadway preview, as well as several audios from the next few years which use exactly the same script. We also have an officially released Symphonic Soundtrack which almost (but not quite) follows this version of the libretto exactly. So no more relying on unclear bootlegs and speculation to figure out what was changed when!

Having said that, the changes in this production were MASSIVE. It's almost certainly the most extensive edit the show's libretto has received to this day. As such, this will be a very long edition of this blog. So make sure you have a bit of time on your hands before reading it! With all that cleared up, let's begin.

The first change literally can be heard as soon as the musical begins. The pre-Broadway show opens up with the same recurring motif also heard, for instance, at the openings of "At the End of the Day" and "One Day More". This music then transitioned to the instrumentals to the opening "Work Song". The post-Broadway libretto cuts right to the chase, with the opening instrumentals to the "Work Song" starting right up without any preamble.

One interesting little non-scripted change occurs later in the "Work Song", but only in American productions. For whatever reason, every American Javert from the original Broadway cast until the first Broadway revival sang "And I am Javert" instead of "And I'm Javert", for reasons that honestly baffle me. Again, the libretto retained the original contraption as far as I'm aware, and the West End production as well as later UK and Australian tours still used it as well.

The next change happens while Valjean is on parole. After Valjean pleads against the farmer underpaying him, this was the farmer's original response:

Do you believe

A yellow ticket of leave

Allows a criminal like you to earn full screw?

Since Broadway, his response is instead as follows:

You broke the law

It's there for people to see

Why should you get the same as honest men like me?

I much prefer this revised version. Though the information is essentially the same, it feels more dramatic, as well as feeling less awkward now that it is in the form of separate sentences as opposed to a single sentence spoken in three lines with pauses in between. Moreover, the phrase "honest men like me" as used here provides interesting foreshadowing for its more well-known usage in "Master of the House". One could spend quite some time analysing the implications of this recurring description, but this blog is long enough as it is so now isn't the time!

In the same number, originally the innkeeper's wife had the following remark:

My rooms are full

And I've no supper to spare

I'd like to help you really, all I want is to be fair

Since Broadway, her line has been slightly modified:

My rooms are full

And I've no supper to spare

I'd like to help a stranger, all we want is to be fair

I suppose "I'd like to help a stranger" sounds less slang-y than "help you really". Presumably this is why it was changed. I find the change of subject from singular to plural far more interesting. My hypothesis is that the writers wanted to make it clear than this is a communal grudge, not a personal one. Everyone around sees it as perfectly fair to deny shelter to a former convict, not just this one individual. I definitely prefer the revised line, but evidently the producers of the West End production didn't; that production held on to the original lyrics for more than a decade after they were originally revised! More on that in a later edition of this blog...

A more minor change can be heard during "At the End of the Day". Originally, Valjean asks the factor workers "What is this shouting all about?" The Broadway script changes this to "What is this fighting all about?" Much less trivial implications now. I'm curious as to whether or not a staging change may have accompanied this. Usually the two workers get into quite a bit of physical scuffle by this point, far beyond the realm of shouting. Did the original pre-Broadway production use more subdued choreography?

"The Runaway Cart" has some noticeable differences. After Valjean asks the townspeople for help, the original response was sung by the entire ensemble, and went as follows:

(SOLO)

Don't go near him, Monsieur Mayor

There's nothing at all you can do

(ENSEMBLE)

The old man is a goner for sure

Leave him alone

The Broadway libretto revised this into a sequence sung by one individual at a time with the following lyrics:

Don't go near him, Monsieur Mayor

The load is as heavy as hell

The old man is a goner for sure

It will kill you as well

A female ensemble member sung "The old man is a goner for sure" while a male member sung the rest. I sort of like it better as an ensemble piece (something that would be largely brought back in later years, as I'll soon discuss) although I think it's cool that it rhymes now. Having said that, I'm fairly confident that no one in the real world has ever actually used the phrase "Heavy as hell"!

An official change in the libretto occurred in "Who Am I?" but listeners to the original Broadway cast would not have heard it. While the pre-Broadway show had Valjean refer to "This innocent who bears my face", the revised libretto instead refers to "This innocent who wears my face". Perhaps a means of avoiding repetition, given that the word "bear" is used again later in the number? Regardless, Colm Wilkinson didn't actually bother to adapt to this change! He still sings "This innocent who bears my face" in the Broadway production (as well as the tenth anniversary concert; not until his 1998 stint in Toronto did he ever start singing the revised lyrics). Since every future Valjean (except Ivan Rutherford for some reason) sings "wears", I still see it as appropriate to mention here.

At the end of the song, Valjean's "You know where to find me!", used on and off in the Barbican previews before becoming a settled part of the production by the final pre-Broadway libretto, is once again removed for the Broadway show. However, the West End production would keep it for a few years - more on that later...

Just listening to the original Broadway cast, one might think Javert's "Dare you talk to me of crime?" becomes "Dare you speak to me of crime?" However, this seems to be a Terrence Mann-exclusive change. Every Javert after him reverts to the original lyrics (as did Terrence himself when he returned to the musical fifteen years later). I'm still making note of the change here for the sake of clarification.

An instrumental change occurs between "Castle on a Cloud" and "Master of the House". Mme. Thenardier's "You heard me ask for something and I never ask twice" was original followed by three bars of notes, then by six more bars of notes that are identical to each other. After the Broadway production, however, those six bars of notes grow increasingly more dramatic as they go on.

A very slight change happens during the preamble to "Master of the House". Originally one of the guests proclaims "Hell, what a wine" while the revised libretto instead has him claim "God, what a wine". Definitely more natural in my opinion, though not a huge difference by any means.

A few subtle differences exist in the "Waltz of Treachery" number. First off, Thenardier originally asks "Have we done for your child what is best?" The Broadway libretto changes "your child" to "her child". I personally like the original lyric better, as it goes back to the idea established earlier that Valjean is metaphorically bargaining through the spirit of Fantine. It's definitely not a difference that makes or breaks the number, though.

Towards the end of the song comes another change that cannot actually be heard by listening to the original Broadway cast. In the pre-Broadway show, Valjean used the line "Let us seek out a friendlier sky", while the revised libretto has him say "Let us seek out some friendlier sky". However, Colm Wilkinson once again doesn't bother to adapt to the change, and unlike the "Who Am I?" change he wouldn't learn it over time either. He continues to sing "a friendlier sky" throughout his on-and-off performances as Valjean, right up to and including his 2002 run in Shanghai!

After the bulk of the number comes a more significant change. Prior to the Broadway production, as was discussed in the last entry, the "Waltz of Treachery" was followed by about forty-five seconds of vamping and then this exchange in the tune of "Castle on a Cloud":

(LITTLE COSETTE)

We're going home right now, monsieur

What is your name

(VALJEAN)

Now my dear

I've names enough, I've got names to spare

But where I go, you always will be there

Nor will you be afraid again

There is a sun that's shining yet

(LITTLE COSETTE)

I'm going to call you my Papa

(VALJEAN)

I'm going to call you my Cosette

The Broadway libretto replaced it with just under twenty seconds of vamping, followed by a sequence in the tune of the "Waltz of Treachery":

(VALJEAN)

Come Cosette

Come my dear

From now on I will always be here

Where I go

You will be

(LITTLE COSETTE)

Will there be children

And castles to see?

(VALJEAN)

Yes, Cosette

Yes it's true

There's a castle just waiting for you

This is followed by another fifteen or so seconds of vamping, and then the humming duet between Cosette and Valjean carries on as before.

Arguably the biggest change in the entire edited libretto happens now. Whereas the number was originally directly followed by "Stars", things have been moved around so that it instead transitions directly into "Look Down". "Look Down" itself receives a lot of adjustments. First off, the number began in the pre-Broadway musical with a bar of music that was then repeated. The Broadway version only plays the bar of music once, and the sung part happens immediately afterwards.

Gavroche's verse receives some lyrical updates. Originally it used the following lines:

This is my school, my high society

From St. Denis to St Michel

We live on crumbs of humble piety

Tough on the teeth, but what the hell?

If you're poor, if you're free

Follow me, follow me!

The Broadway production rewrote that sequence a little:

This is my school, my high society

Here in the slums of St Michel

We live on crumbs of humble piety

Tough on the teeth, but what the hell?

Think you're poor? Think you're free?

Follow me, follow me!

Better lines in my humble opinion; "slums" conveys the poverty of Gavroche's community much more effectively than the original line, and phrasing the "poor" and "free" lines as questions is more dramatic than their original statement form.

The old beggar woman's original "You give 'em all the pox" becomes the less grammatically accurate "Give 'em all the pox" for Broadway, though I have no idea if the original "You" was part of the libretto or simply an improvisation. Since seemingly all actresses used that line for the first few years of the West End production, it strikes me as warranting a mention.

Right after this comes another change. In the pre-Broadway show, the argument between the beggar woman and the prostitute was followed by an exchange by a few individual beggars. All of the following lines were said by one person at a time, the first three being said by female beggars and the last one by a male beggar:

When's it gonna end?

When're we gonna live?

Something's gotta happen, dearie

Something's gotta give

The Broadway libretto changes this to an ensemble piece performed by all the beggars simultaneously:

When's it gonna end?

When're we gonna live?

Something's gotta happen now or

Something's gotta give

I really like the switch to a group effort, as it really emphasizes that the beggars are a community sharing the burden of poverty. It really feels like an epidemic to an extent that it doesn't when it's just a small conversation. Evidently the producers of the West End show didn't agree with me though, as they held onto the original sequence for more than a decade after the official change, and by that point it had already been largely reverted worldwide! More on that in a later blog...

Originally, the exposition about General Lamarque was given by a few random students (supposedly not specified in the libretto, but in practice portrayed as Combeferre and Feuilly). Some ensemble dialogue between beggars was put in between. Feuilly sings over the end of the ensemble's lines - but many have speculated that this was not intended by the writers, as the background music sounds super out of sync with his singing! Here's how the scene went:

(COMBEFERRE)

As for the leaders of the land

As for the swells who run this show

Only one man and that's Lamarque

Speaks for the people here below

(BEGGARS)

Something for a meal

Something for a doss

Something in the name of Him who died upon the cross

On the cross, come across

On the cross, come across, come across

(FEUILLY)

Lamarque is ill and fading fast

Won't last the week out, so they say

With all the anger in the land

How long before the judgement day?

Before we cut the fat ones down to size?

Before the barricades arise?

Fortunately, the writers of the Broadway libretto had the sense to change the purveyors of the message into people actually relevant to the show's plot, namely Marius and Enjolras. Moreover, the beggars' dialog was rewritten into a sequence that feels far less clunky to me. The background music was fixed to account for the solo singing (now done by Marius) overlapping the beggars' lines, so it is now perfectly in sync. Here's the edited exchange:

(ENJOLRAS)

Where are the leaders of the land?

Where are the swells who run this show?

(MARIUS)

Only one man and that's Lamarque

Speaks for the people here below

(BEGGARS)

See our children fed

Help us in our shame

Something for a crust of bread in Holy Jesus' name

(SOLO BEGGAR)

In the Lord's holy name

(BEGGARS)

In His name, in His name, in His name

(MARIUS)

Lamarque is ill and fading fast

Won't last the week out, so they say

(ENJOLRAS)

With all the anger in the land

How long before the judgement day?

Before we cut the fat ones down to size?

Before the barricades arise?

Much better in my opinion! It should be noted that David Bryant instead sings "these people here below", but as far as I can tell every future Marius (or later Enjolras - more on that later) sings "the people, which is the actually phrasing in the libretto.

One final change in Look Down: Gavroche now says that all of Thenardier's family is "on the make", as opposed to the original "on the take". A rather pointless change in my book, though it certainly doesn't hurt anything.

"The Robbery" is another heavily edited number. Thenardier's line after acknowledging Brujon, Babet, and Claquesous was originally as follows:

You Montparnasse, watch for the p'lice

With Eponine, take care

You've got all the hash, I've got all the cash

The Broadway show rewrote those lines into their still-current form:

You Montparnasse, watch for the law

With Eponine, take care

You turn on the tears, no mistakes my dears!

This changed lyric more naturally transitions the scene into the gang's actual plan, though the original is an interesting continuation of Gavroche's recollection of Thenardier once running a hash house.

Mme. Thenardier's response is also altered from the original lyrics:

Here come a student from our street

One of 'Ponine's peculiar gents

Our Eponine would kiss his feet

She never showed a bit of sense

Into the current ones:

These bloody students on our street

Here they come slumming once again

Our Eponine would kiss their feet

She never showed a scrap of brain

It's interesting how the edit shifts the focus from Marius in particular to the students in general. It seems that Mme. Thenardier is less aware of the specifics of her daughter's personal life now, something that makes sense for her character.

After Mme. Thenardier's "You'll be in the clear", there was originally just eighteen seconds of a musical motif (the same one which opens "At the End of the Day" and "One Day More") followed by Thenardier's speech. Since Broadway, it's instead been followed by a few more lines of dialogue:

(MARIUS)

Who is that man

(EPONINE)

Leave me alone!

(MARIUS)

Why is here?

Hey Eponine!

Only now does the musical motif play. But instead of staying silent upon seeing Cosette, Marius now sings "I didn't see you there, forgive me..." Interestingly, in this video of a 1987 performance of the original West End production, Marius just stops without bumping into Cosette as he usually does. This makes me wonder whether or not the bumping was added into the Broadway version, and the lyric was added to accomodate for the blocking change. Of course, this is all speculation; I have no way to know for sure.

Thenardier's con job is also quite a bit different post-Broadway. Originally it used the following lyrics:

How you do? Spare a sou

God will see all the good that you do

Look monsieur, lost a leg

Hero of Waterloo now has to beg

Wait a bit, know that face...

The Broadway libretto edited it into its current form:

Please monsieur, come this way

Here's a child that ain't eaten today

Save a life, spare a sou

God rewards all the good that you do

Wait a bit, know that face...

It's interesting how Thenardier's facade shifts in focus from his own supposed hardship to that of an alleged child. I suppose the latter would be a good bit more effective in convincing passersby to donate!

During "Javert's Intervention", Thenardier now says "It was me that told you so, as opposed to the original "Wot told you so"; however, this seems to be a regional choice to account for a lack of Cockney accent, not an official libretto change. British productions retain the original "Wot".

“The Robbery” ends quite differently. Its pre-Broadway form had Gavroche’s remarks directly follow Javert’s “Clear this garbage off the street!” However, now Javert’s line is instead followed by some instrumentals to a slower version of the same tune as, for instance, “Honest work/Just reward/That’s the way to please the lord” and “He will bend/He will break/This time there is no mistake”.

After these instrumentals come the “Stars” number, now in a much more natural location given that Javert now has a logical reason to be thinking about Valjean!

The number itself is mostly the same, up until the final segment. After Javert’s “Those who falter and those who fall must pay the price”, he originally had the following lyrics:

Scarce to be counted

Changing the chaos

To order and light

You are the sentinels

Silent and sure

Keeping watch in the night

The post-Broadway show replaced this with a much more climactic remark:

Lord let me find him

That I may see him

Safe behind bars

I will never rest ‘til then

This I swear

This is swear by the stars

WOW, what an improvement! Now the stars are tied much better to Valjean himself, and Javert’s motivation is much clearer!

Now that “Stars” is over, we finally get Gavroche's remarks. The lyrics are the same; however, instead of the tempo progressively getting faster as it goes along, it now gets progressively slower. Interestingly the audio of the first preview has Gavroche saying "mother dear" instead of "auntie dear", but it's back to the original line by the second known original Broadway cast audio. Both audio feature Braden Danner; whether the "mother dear" was a choice on his part or a director's, a flub, or a libretto change that was later reverted is unknown.

"Eponine's Errand" has some significant changes. First off, the original libretto gave Marius and Eponine this exchange:

(MARIUS)

Did you see that lovely girl

(EPONINE)

A lovely two-a-penny thing

The Broadway libretto edited it a little:

(MARIUS)

Eponine, who was that girl?

(EPONINE)

Some bourgeois two-a-penny thing

Marius' request has also been changed from its original lyrics:

Eponine, do this for me

But careful how you go

Your father mustn't know

He'll strike another blow

'Ponine, I'm lost until she's found

Into some far clearer and more direct instructions:

Eponine, do this for me

Discover where she lives

But careful how you go

Don't let your father know

'Ponine, I'm lost until she's found

And yes, the line was "your father" right from day one. Michael Ball flubs it as "her father" on the complete symphonic recording, leading many to assume that was the original lyric which was changed later. But I'm not aware of a single live performance to use that lyric (which doesn't make a lot of sense anyway).

Another side note: Some Marius actors have very slightly changed the third line to "Be careful how you go" or "But careful as you go", though neither lyric is the standard.

Post-Broadway, as the instrumentals to "Red and Black" play, a student (I'm not sure which one) now shouts Enjolras' name before the singing begins.

During "Red and Black", Michael Maguire changes the original "It is easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies" to "Oh, it's easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies". However, this is an individual choice of the actor, not an official libretto change. Every future Enjolras I'm aware of (except Ramin Karimloo for some reason) uses the original line.

An actual libretto change occurs soon afterwards. After Marius' entrance, Grantaire originally asks, "Marius, what's wrong with you today?" The post-Broadway show changes this to "Marius, you're late. What's wrong today?" This makes it much clearer why Grantaire might suspect something is wrong.

Soon afterwards, Grantaire's original line "We talk of battles to be won, and here he comes like Don Juan" is slightly tweaked to "You talk of battles to be won". This is a little more appropriate, since Grantaire isn't actually doing a lot of talking!

After "Red and Black", Gavroche's part is very slightly changed. First off, American performances for a few years would have Gavroche whistle right before everyone quiets down, though I have no idea if this was in the libretto or not.

Secondly, Gavroche's original remark, "It's General Lamarque! He's dead!" is shortened to just "General Lamarque is dead!"

In another contender for the biggest change in the entire edit, the entire "I Saw Him Once" number is totally removed. I have mixed feelings about this. It does give Cosette, a frustratingly underwritten character, some additional content. However, stylistically it's not all that much like any other number in the musical, and it doesn't really add enough information to the show to warrant a whole song. So I say with regret that it was probably for the best to delete the number.

To compensate for the lost number, "In My Life" is lengthened to include the establishing character moments that "I Saw Him Once" originally did. Originally it opened as follows:

(COSETTE)

Dearest papa, can I tell him of this?

How can I tell him the things that I feel?

How could he understand?

(VALJEAN)

Dear Cosette, you're such a lonely child...

The post-Broadway opener is instead as follows:

(COSETTE)

How strange, this feeling that my life's begun at last

This change, can people really fall in love so fast?

What's the matter with you Cosette?

Have you been to much on your own?

So many things unclear

So many things unknown

In my life

There are so many questions and answers

That somehow seem wrong

In my life

There are times when I catch in the silence

The sigh of a faraway song

And it sings of a world that I long to see

Out of reach, just a whisper away, waiting for me

Does he know I'm alive? Do I know if he's real?

Does he see what I see? Does he feel what I feel?

In my life

I'm no longer alone

Now the love in my life is so near

Find me now, find me here

(VALJEAN)

Dear Cosette, you're such a lonely child...

After Valjean gives Cosette his cryptic defense of his secrecy, Cosette had a remark that is sadly incredibly hard to understand in the quality of the recordings we have. It apparently went something like this:

There are voices I hear

That come into my mind

Full of noise, full of fear

When the noise was unkind

In my life

I'm no longer afraid

And I yearn for the truth that you know

Of the years, years ago

Her post-Broadway response is much shorter:

In my life

I'm no longer a child

And I yearn for the truth that you know

Of the years, years ago

Shorter, but just as effective in my book. Plus, the use of the word "child" nicely ties into Valjean's initial remark that Cosette is "such a lonely child", as well as Cosette's frustration that he still sees her as "a child who is lost in the woods".

The next number, "A Heart Full of Love", also has a LOT of rewritten lyrics. First of all, after Marius' "I do not even know your name", these are his original lyrics:

Dear mademoiselle

I am lost in your spell

The Broadway production changed the lyrics into:

Dear mademoiselle

Won't you say? Will you tell?

I suppose this fits a little better with his remark about not knowing Cosette's name.

After Marius and Cosette finally learn each other's names (an important step in a relationship if you ask me!) this was their original way of showing their affection:

(MARIUS)

Cosette, your name is like a song

(COSETTE)

My song is you

(MARIUS)

Is it true?

(COSETTE)

Yes, it's true

The Broadway production rewrote it into the following:

(MARIUS)

Cosette, I don't know what to say

(COSETTE)

Then make no sound

(MARIUS)

I am lost

(COSETTE)

I am found

In my opinion, the rewrite captures the slight awkwardness of young love much better, as well as making a lot more sense!

Immediately afterwards, this is the original exchange:

(MARIUS and COSETTE)

A heart full of love

A heart full of you

(MARIUS)

The words are foolish but they're true

Cosette, Cosette

What were we dreaming when we met?

(COSETTE)

I can sing

(MARIUS)

Dear Cosette

(COSETTE)

A heart full of love...

The Broadway libretto redoes the scene as the following:

(MARIUS)

A heart full of love

(COSETTE)

A night bright as day

(MARIUS)

And you must never go away

Cosette, Cosette

(COSETTE)

This is a chain we'll never break

(MARIUS)

Do I dream?

(COSETTE)

I'm awake

(MARIUS)

A heart full of love...

Almost a totally different scene! The post-Broadway variant is better structured, but I do like the original too.

As the trio of Marius, Cosette, and Eponine exchanges inner monologues, Marius originally has the line "I saw her waiting and I knew". The Broadway libretto changed this to "A single look and then I knew". I kind of prefer the original, as it implies a little more than something as trivial as a cursory glance.

In the closing lyrical overlap of the song, Cosette originally sings "Waiting for you", but post-Broadway she sings "I knew it too". Then, she originally sings "At your call" but post-Broadway she sings "Every day".

During the opening to "The Attack on Rue Plumet", Montparnasse refers to Valjean as "the one that got away the other day" as opposed to his original "the bloke wot got away the other day". However, this is another regional change made for the sake of making sense outside of a cockney accent. The official libretto still had the original lyrics.

A tiny change occurs during Thenardier and Eponine's fight. Claquesous originally thinks it's a palaver and an absolute treat "to watch a cat and its father" picking a bone in the street. The Broadway libretto changed this to "see a cat and a father". Why exactly the writers felt the need to make such a miniscule edit is mystifying to me, but it certainly doesn't hurt anything.

Another change occurs later in the number, after Eponine's scream. Originally this was Thenardier's reaction:

Make for the sewers, don't wait around

Leave her to me, go underground

You wait my girl, you'll rue this night

I'll make you scream, you'll scream alright!

These lines were mixed up a bit for the Broadway libretto:

You wait my girl, you'll rue this night

I'll make you scream, you'll scream alright!

Leave her to me, don't wait around

Make for the sewers, go underground

The post-Broadway variation arguably is a bit less climactic due to it not ending on a threat. However, the original climax isn't all that appropriate since Eponine and Thenardier never actually interact at any later point in the musical. I like that the post-Broadway version ends on something that's actually relevant to the remainder of the show (namely, that Thenardier will be in the sewers). Evidently the West End producers didn't agree with me; this is another line in which the original was kept there for more than a decade (at which point a rewrite closer to the original was already being used worldwide)!

In "One Day More", Javert's "One day more to revolution" is slightly changed to "One more day to revolution". However, the number is otherwise unchanged.

And that's it for Act One! The opening barricade scene to act two has a small change. Grantaire's pre-Broadway "Some will bark, some will bite" was changed to "Dogs will bark, fleas will bite". Makes a lot more sense in my opinion!

The opening to "On My Own" is changed as well. Originally it was performed as follows:

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to go, no one to turn to

I did not want your money sir

I came out here 'cause I was told to

The Broadway version rewrote it into the following:

And now I'm alone again

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to

Without a home, without a friend

Without a face to say hello to

A huge improvement in my book. It actually rhymes now, and is far less likely to be misconstrued as ungrateful.

After receiving a massive overhaul not that long before, "Little People" was slightly tweaked for the Broadway show. The pre-Broadway version had this ending:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

You’d better run for cover when the pup grows up!

Another line (taken from the original longer version of "Little People" as well as all versions of its reprise) was added for the post-Broadway show:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

We'll fight like twenty armies and we won't give up

So you’d better run for cover when the pup grows up!

Grantaire's line afterwards is literally reversed in meaning from the original "Better far to die a schoolboy than a policeman and a spy!" into "What's the difference? Die a schoolboy, die a policeman, die a spy!" This post-Broadway lyric fits better into Grantaire's cynical personality.

A very subtle edit is made in "Little Fall of Rain" (to the point that I only just realized its existence by reading an old internet forum!) Pre-Broadway, Marius asks Eponine "Did you see my beloved?" The tense is changed from past to present perfect for the Broadway libretto, so that he now sings "Have you seen my beloved?"

"Drink with Me" receives quite a bit of editing. The opening few lines are originally all sung by Grantaire:

Drink with me to days gone by

Sing with me the songs we knew

Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads

Here's to witty girls who went to our beds

Here's to them and here's to you

Now, those lyrics are split between various students:

(FEUILLY)

Drink with me to days gone by

Sing with me the songs we knew

(PROUVAIRE)

Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads

(JOLY)

Here's to witty girls who went to our beds

(ALL STUDENTS)

Here's to them and here's to you

A far more touching scene now that it entails an entire group of friends reminiscing about their lives, as opposed to the thoughts of one heavily drunk individual.

Originally this was followed by a segment by the male ensemble:

Drink with me to days gone by

To the life that used to be

At the shrine of friendship never say die

Let the wine of friendship never run dry

Then, this was followed by the same lyrics, but sung by the male and female ensembles overlapping. The Broadway libretto removes that and replaces it with an all-new segment with Grantaire. It's much more cynical and philosophical than his original lines:

Drink with me to days gone by

Can it be you fear to die?

Will the world remember you when you fall?

Could it be your death means nothing at all?

Is you life just one more lie?

The lyrics from the pre-Broadway show, in their male-and-female overlapping form, are played afterwards.

The next change occurs during the Second Attack. Pre-Broadway, this was how the opening lyrics went:

(ENJOLRAS)

How do we stand, Feuilly make your report

(FEUILLY)

We've guns enough but bullets running short

(MARIUS)

Let me go into the street

There are bodies all around

Ammunition to be had

Lots of bullets to be found

Some very small edits were made for Broadway:

(ENJOLRAS)

How do we stand, Feuilly make your report

(FEUILLY)

We've guns enough but ammunition short

(MARIUS)

I will go into the street

There are bodies all around

Ammunition to be had

Lots of bullets to be found

The following exchange also is a bit edited. Here's how it went pre-Broadway:

(ENJOLRAS)

I can't let you go, it's too much of a chance

(MARIUS)

And the same can be said for any man here

(VALJEAN)

Let me go in his place, he's no more than a boy

I am old and alone and have nothing to fear

Post-Broadway, it instead goes as follows:

(ENJOLRAS)

I can't let you go, it's too much of a chance

(MARIUS)

And the same is true for any man here

(VALJEAN)

Let me go, he's no more than a boy

I am old, I have nothing to fear

Finally, Gavroche's final lines are as follows pre-Broadway:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

You’d better run for cover when the pup grows up

And we’ll fight like twenty armies and we won’t give…

A small edit is made for the Broadway production, so that the latter two lines are reversed:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

We’ll fight like twenty armies and we won’t give up

So you’d better run for cover when the pup grows...

I'd say this is an improvement, since Gavroche's death is all the more impactful when his literal last unfinished words are about growing up.

Not long afterwards comes the Final Battle. Leading up to Enjolras' climactic moment, the original lines went as follows:

(ENJOLRAS)

Come on my friends, though we stand here alone

Let us go to our deaths with our face to our foes

(COMBEFERRE)

Let 'em pay for each death with a death of their own

(COURFEYRAC)

If they get me, by God, they will pay through the nose

(ENJOLRAS)

Let others rise to take our place

Until the earth is free

The sequence was edited for Broadway, giving a bit more breathing space:

(ENJOLRAS)

Let us die facing our foes

Make them bleed while they can

(COMBEFERRE)

Make them pay through the nose

(COURFEYRAC)

Make them pay for every man

(ENJOLRAS)

Let others rise to take our place

Until the earth is free

"Dog Eats Dog" is a very heavily-edited number. First off, the vamping at the beginning originally lasts about 30 seconds. By Broadway, it has been reduced to about nineteen seconds.

After Thenardier's "As a service to the town" line, he originally sung the following lines:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And the worst is as good as the best

It's a stinking great sewer that's crawling with rats

And one rat is as good as the rest

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

That entire sequence was cut for Broadway.

Soon afterwards, Thenardier originally proclaims "Here's a little toy". The Broadway edit changes it to "Here's another toy", perhaps to make it seem less repetitive after his "pretty little thing" line.

The exact same lines from after "As a service to the town" are repeated in the pre-Broadway number after Thenardier's "When the gutters run with blood" line, with one more line added afterwards:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And the worst is as good as the best

It's a stinking great sewer that's crawling with rats

And one rat is as good as the rest

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

The harvest moon shines down

Unlike the first instance of those lines, they aren't completely excised for Broadway. They are, however, significantly rewritten:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And they kill for the bones in the street

And God in His heavens, He don't interfere

'Cause He's dead as the stiffs at my feet

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

The harvest moon shines down

I really like how the edited version focuses more on godlessness than on how gross the sewer is. Not that a lack of a god is inherently sinister; I am quite agnostic myself and I think the unbreakable connection between religion and morality alleged by some is ridiculous. But it is blatantly obvious that Thenardier sees no reason to be moral provided no one will punish him.

As a side note, the 1985 London official soundtrack oddly uses this variant, yet the 1986 bootleg audio I have uses the original. Perhaps the original was experimented with, reverted, and later put in again? Who knows...

After the number, Thenardier now shouts Valjean's name.

The encounter in the sewers between Valjean and Javert originally ended as follows, with Javert's first two lines here in a tune not heard anywhere else in the musical to my recollection:

(VALJEAN)

Come, time is running short

(JAVERT)

Go take him, I'll be waiting at the door

I've never met a man like you before

A man such as you

The sequence was extended for the Broadway libretto, to the tune of "Look Down" and the "Work Song":

(VALJEAN)

Come, time is running short

Look down, Javert

He's standing in his grave

(VALJEAN - simultaneously with the next two lines)

Give way, Javert

There is a life to save

(JAVERT - simultaneously with the previous two lines)

Take him, Valjean

Before I change my mind

(JAVERT)

I will be waiting, 24601

A slight change can be heard in "Every Day". Originally Marius sings that he and Cosette will "remember that night and the song that we sang". The Broadway libretto edited this into the decidedly less medium-aware "remember that night and the vow that we made".

"Valjean's Confession" has been reworked to the point that it can scarcely even be considered the same song. After Valjean's "There's something now that must be done", this was how the song went:

(VALJEAN)

Monsieur, I cannot stay a night beneath your roof

I am a convict, sir, my body bears the proof

My name is Jean Valjean

I never told Cosette, I bear this guilt alone

And this I swear to you, her innocence is real

Her love is true

Our love, our life, are now her own

And I must face the years alone

(MARIUS)

I do not understand what's the sense of it all?

Is the world upside down?

Will the universe fall?

If it's true what you say, and Cosette doesn't know

Why confess it to me?

Why confess it at all?

What forces you to speak after all?

(VALJEAN)

You and Cosette must be free of reproach

It is not your affair

There is a darkness that's over my life

It's the cross I must bear

It's for Cosette this must be faced

If I am found, she is disgraced

(MARIUS)

What can I do that would turn you from this...

After the Broadway rewrite, Valjean's "There's something now that must be done" is followed by this:

(VALJEAN)

You've spoken from the heart, and I must do the same

There is a story, sir, of slavery and shame

That you alone must know

I never told Cosette, she had enough of tears

She's never known the truth, the story you must hear

Of years ago

There lived a man whose name was Jean Valjean

He stole some bread to save his sister's son

For nineteen winters served his time

In sweat he washed away his crime

Years ago

He broke parole and lived a life apart

How could he tell Cosette and break her heart?

It's for Cosette this must be faced

If he is caught she is disgraced

The time is come to journey on

And from this day he must be gone

Who am I?

(MARIUS)

You're Jean Valjean

What can I do that will turn you from this...

The few lines afterwards are the same, but as you can see not much else in the song is! Even the tune diverges a lot between the two variants. I'm very conflicted about which one I prefer. I gravitate towards the final one, though it's nice that the original actually tried to address to confusing notion that Valjean wants to tell his son-in-law of his past yet not his own daughter.

"Beggars at the Feast" originally ended with a solo for Thenardier:

(THENARDIER and MME. THENARDIER)

We know where the wind is blowing

Money is the stuff we smell

(THENARDIER)

And when I'm rich as Croesus

Jesus, won't I see you all in Hell!

The Broadway libretto switched this to a group line:

(THENARDIER and MME. THENARDIER)

We know where the wind is blowing

Money is the stuff we smell

And when we're rich as Croesus

Jesus, won't we see you all in Hell!

I much prefer the revised version, as the two Thenardiers clearly are in this act together. It seems more appropriate to let them both have the last laugh.

A small change occurs in the Epilogue. Pre-Broadway, Fantine sings "You raised my child with love". However, post-Broadway, she instead sings "You raised my child in love".

Another change occurs later in the epilogue. In the pre-Broadway show, Cosette tells Valjean that "It's too soon to ever say goodbye". The post-Broadway libretto instead has her sing "It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye". Repetitive as it may be, I prefer it over the original because the original awkwardly combines language clearly denoting the moment with language implying eternality.

Phew, we're finally at the end! Rest assured this is almost certainly the longest changelog you'll ever be forced to endure. I'm fairly sure it's complete, but this particular rewrite was so extensive it's not impossible that I missed something. Please feel free to let me know if that is the case.

As a side note, both for this project and my own enjoyment, I want as complete a collection of Les Miserables audios as possible. I already have most of what’s commonly circulated, but if you have any audios or videos you know are rare, or some audios that you haven't traded in a few years, I’d love it if you DMed me!

Until the turntable puts me at the forefront again, good-bye…

#les miserables #les mis #changelog #les mis changelog #marius #valjean #cosette #javert #eponine #enjolras #thenardier #1985 #1987 #broadway #part 3 #long post #the les miserables changelog

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yelenasdog · 3 years

Text

something like “i know” (ben hardy x fem reader)

genre: FLUFF FINALLYY

summary: sometimes making tiktoks with ben doesn’t always turn out the way you plan, but by no means is that a negative.

words: 1.4k

warnings: age gap (not dramatic, reader is like, idk, 23 maybe?), kissing, i think that’s it but lmk!

a/n: hi! so i’ve had this idea for ages and wanted to write it so here it is! the end of it is far sappier than i planned but meh whatevs. also ty to cici and eva for helping me pick the moodbard hehe. k enjoy!

☆❂✧

Having an age gap was never something that put a large damper on their relationship. The conflicting personalities of the two balanced out quite nicely, and the similarities that drew the two of them together in the first place (apart from the aforementioned) made sure they never had a lack of interesting things to talk about that weren’t generational.

Until TikTok, that was.

Now of course, there were some other millennials on the application, but Ben just for some reason couldn’t get it.

“Yes, I know that, babe, but why do they do dances?”

“They lip sync too!”

“But what is the point?”

And that’s how the conversation would end. Every single time. So Ben would sit on the sofa, watching as she danced about in front of the small screen, occasionally playing some cruel (ok, that’s a large exaggeration, they’re somewhat mean, at best) joke on him, claiming it was a trend on TikTok? That just did not sit right with him.

He didn’t remember hearing “mean pranks” in the initial description of the app when she had described it to him all of those times.

Ben tried to tune it out, he really did. He would wear his headphones, blasting Zeppelin as loud as he could while reading scripts or a book. But somehow, those catchy little tunes always managed to worm their way into his ear, being stuck in there for days and days on end.

He would waltz around the house humming Megan Thee Stallion, the occasional Flo Milli or underground indie artist also making an appearance often.

He was pouring a cup of coffee for himself one Tuesday morning in the kitchen before going on a run, Y/n watching fondly from afar. Rain was softly rolling down the windows, barely coming to a cease. The air was chilly, and fog floated through the early morning sky, a sense of calm washing over their shared South London home.

The room was kept somewhat warm, though, from the fireplace that she had insisted the house had to have, which Ben ended up being grateful for on more than one occasion. He looked over his shoulder briefly, smiling at the sight of his beloved wrapped up in his seafoam jumper, watching him move about contently.

As he turned back to where he was working on filling the two mugs in front of him, he began to oh so quietly sing the lyrics to what sounded like a familiar tune off of the app. Watermelon Sugar, maybe?

“Ben? Baby?”

He turned, his eyes growing wide and his hands flying to his hips as he leaned against the countertop behind him.

“Mhhm, yeah, w-what’s up, babe?”

She couldn’t hold in her giggle at the sight of her boyfriend’s red face and disgruntled appearance, one of his hands now scratching casually at his gold locks.

“What’re you singin’, pretty boy?”

His blush only increased at the nickname, eliciting another laugh from his girl.

“Y’know, just somethin’ I heard on the radio the other day.”

She immediately recognized his lie, he refused to listen to the radio, only using either Bluetooth or the aux cord, his music taste too pretentious for mainstream stations. She didn’t mind, though, always finding it quite funny how much of a music snob he was.

But rather than call him out, she only nodded and smirked, standing up and bringing her phone with her over to the windowsill where she usually filmed her TikToks, pulling Ben along with her.

He sipped from his mug, eyes slanted as she scrolled through something on her phone, various sounds emitting from the speaker.

A little smile showed up on her face when she (apparently) found what she was looking for, leaving her to set the phone down, allowing a video under the sound to play on repeat.

“Sweetheart, what’s going on?” He asked, ever so cautiously, taking a step towards her. She walked towards him, engulfing him in a hug which he (yet again) cautiously reciprocated.

“I am going to teach you a TikTok dance.”

He had to do a double take.

“Come again?”

She pulled on the elastic waistband of her sweats, grabbing Ben by the arm.

“Come on, I know you wanna. And if nothing else you’ll do it to make me happy.”

He rolled his eyes, slightly irritated at her confidence and that she was so incredibly correct, he would do mostly anything to put a smile on her face.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He grumbled, moving to stand next to her.

She clapped once in excitement, joy flooding her entire body. The music started up again, but this time, she began to dance along to it.

“Ok, so just try to do what I’m doing, alright?”

“No! Not alright, can I just stand here, I think I should just stand here-“

“Ben, it's literally not that hard, 8 year olds can do it!”

“Well, I’m an extremely confused 29 year old man, thank you very much!”

And that’s basically how the next 15 minutes went until she finally gave in, allowing Ben to stand behind her, occasionally doing a little move of sorts. The two were in a fit of giggles now, struggling to keep enough composure for long enough to get even one successful video.

“Benjamin Jones! This is the last one, okay?”

He put a hand on his stomach, both of the pair attempting to catch their breath.

“Yes, yes, right okay, got it, last one.”

The little timer button counted down, the sound echoing throughout the property.

The music then started, and she could barely keep a straight face for the 15 seconds. Bored of the routine, but never of her, Ben decided he would grab her and throw her onto the sofa, as payback for all the “TikTok pranks” she would pull on him. He waited for the perfect time to strike (one where she wouldn’t hopefully be too infuriated), restlessly shifting from foot to foot.

Nearing the last few seconds, he made his move. He swooped forward, a high pitched shriek falling from her lips as he wrapped his strong arms around her waist, running and jumping onto the couch, crushing her. He rolled off quickly, and she moved to be on top of him, her hair wildly astray. She sat up, straddling his thighs with a bright smile plastered on her face.

“You little jerk.”

He only smiled boyishly in response, a lovesick gaze set in his eyes.

The song was still playing on repeat as she leaned down, positioning her hands on either side of his head in order to place her lips gently upon his.

“That’s your reward for putting up with me today, Jones.”

He scoffed, taking her by the shoulders and bringing her to his chest. She looked up from where she was now comfortably lying, meeting his homey emerald gaze, his eyes like sea glass that had washed up on white sands, waiting to be rediscovered.

“I feel as if I deserve something more for all of that.”

“Oh, do you?”

He hummed and nodded, closing his eyes. She reached up, placing another peck on his plump lips, before scurrying away to retrieve the phone. He sat up rather quickly at the sudden loss of her body weight, smiling at the sound of her laughter coming towards him.

“Ben, look, it turned out so well.” She managed to slip out before basically throwing him the phone. A grin erupted on his own face soon after, along with the hearty chuckles to match.

He made some commentary on how wonderful it was, before handing her back the device. She moved so she was once more essentially laying on top of Ben, the screen in both of their views.

After sharing a few more laughs over the video, she captioned it and posted it, throwing her phone to get lost in the couch cushions as the likes and comments began to roll in.

She looked up at him once more, and he met her gaze, as he always would, bringing a hand up to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear.

It didn’t leave her cheek, resting there and lightly caressing her skin. The two were most serene then, almost appearing as two felines that had decided to nap during the morning showers, most comforted by each other and the steady sound of the droplets as they pattered.

He was whispering now, the rambunctious energy of the room fading into a much more tranquil and stolid vibe, wrapping the two up like a warm embrace.

“Y’know I really would do anything to make you happy, my love.”

She closed her eyes, taking hold of one of his hands.

He then heard her mutter something like “I know”, and all was well.

☆❂✧

it was fitting for the theme. but anyway i hope u enjoyed, pls reblog and like if u did :) go drink some water, eat some protein, and take an electronics break!

love you bunches! xx hj

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unholyobsessions · 3 years

Text

Oblivious Memories

Pairing: Julie x Luke

Description: The Universe is in charge of soulmates and making sure they meet. They have never met anyone as oblivious as Julie and Luke.

Read on ao3

Warnings: none

Word Count: 2.3k

Masterlist

For my jatp secret valentine @vividblues262 I hope you enjoy this and you have a as good of a time reading it as I had writing it. thank you to @screwunsaidemily for organizing this! @jatpsecretvalentine

The Universe is a powerful being. They create many great and beautiful things but the one they are revered most for, is soulmates. Each person is assigned someone who they are meant to be with. One just isn’t complete without their other half.

According to everyone, you just know who your soulmate is. There is no specific experience. Some claim to see a string connect their wrists, others say it’s like seeing color for the first time, and others say it feels like your heart stops beating only for it to start again with the same beat as their person.

Each soulmate meeting is unique, and the Universe admits, each pair is different. Some more stubborn than others to meet their person. So getting some people together is harder than others.

But the Universe has never had a harder, more oblivious pair than Julie Molina and Luke Patterson.

. . .

Julie Molina hasn’t met her soulmate but she doesn’t worry, she knows it will happen when the time is right. She traces the tattoo on her forearm, the black music notes that stand out against her white t-shirt, as she lets her mind drift on the topic.

Julie doesn’t know what she’ll experience but she hopes it will be memorable.

Lost in thought, she doesn’t hear the footsteps echoing down the hall and toward her room until the door slams open.

Flynn stomps in, fingers plugging her ears and Carrie follows behind her, clearly annoyed at her girlfriend’s antics.

“Damn it Flynn just listen to me!” Carrie exclaims. “Julie tell her to listen to me!”

Julie simply stares at her two best friends, rolling her eyes and shrugging her shoulders. Flynn won’t listen to her and whatever Carrie did to get her to act childish is not her problem.

“La la la la la,” Flynn chants, getting louder with each word. And Julie had promised herself a long time ago that she would not get involved in their fights. They’re soulmates and should know how to figure it out themselves, but Flynn hasn’t been in her room for two minutes and she’s already getting on her nerves.

Julie stands with a sigh, walking over to Flynn and yanking her arms apart. “Flynn! Stop yelling,” she commands. Flynn immediately pouts and starts mumbling about Julie being unfair and taking sides.

Julie ignores her best friend and turns to Carrie, who has already made herself comfortable on the beanbag next to her desk. “What’s going on?” Carrie starts explaining what happened between her and Flynn but Julie shakes her head to stop her. “No not that. I mean why are you here? I thought you guys were busy today.”

Flynn pulls her arms from Julie’s grip and goes to sit next to Carrie, seemingly forgetting that they were arguing not five minutes ago. “We were busy, but then the museum got boring so we decided to come here to drag you out of your room. We’re getting coffee.” Flynn isn’t asking, and Julie has learned to recognize when she won’t win. So, she pushes her feet into a pair of sneakers, too lazy to untie and retie the shoe laces, and slips on a cardigan over her dress.

Julie shouts a goodbye to her dad and linking her arms with her friends’, they all make their way to their favorite coffee shop a few streets away. It’s crowded, as it usually is on Saturday afternoons. The tables are filled with students typing away at their computers, attempting to finish essays at the last minute. The booths are filled with friends, gossiping and laughing together. Julie is dragged to the counter, where she orders her usual vanilla iced latte, smiling politely at the barista.

Leaning against Carrie’s side, Julie looks around the shop as she waits for her drink. She finds herself looking at the corner booth, crowded with four boys discussing something she couldn’t quite hear. One of them is hunched over a notebook, lip between his teeth and pencil tight in his hands. Julie stares, intrigued by the brunette. He lifts his head, eyes closed and mumbles something under his breath. When he opens his eyes, they stare right at Julie and she feels her stomach twist with embarrassment. Before she can turn away and try to forget the interaction ever happened, he smiles at her and goes back to writing in his notebook.

Julie’s stomach twists again, but with a completely different feeling. Flynn snaps her out of her daze by placing her iced latte in her hands. Julie thanks her and allows herself to be dragged outside, rolling her eyes when Flynn says that she wants a new jean jacket. Conversation distracts her as she walks away, not allowing her to dwell on the foreign feeling.

The Universe frowns down at them. What just happened? They’ve been putting both of them in the same rooms for years and they never even acknowledged each other’s presence. And when they do, they ignore each other? Did they not feel it? The pull toward their soulmate?

The Universe sighs, frustrated. They will have to work a little harder on this pair.

. . .

A week later, Julie is at the mall with Flynn, helping her find a pair of sneakers to match the jacket she bought the week before. The store they’re in is small, with white walls and red accents. It’s inviting, so it’s no wonder this is the first one they visit. Julie makes a beeline for the benches, and tells Flynn where to find her when she is ready to model the shoes she’s chosen, if she finds any that ‘call to her.’

She scrolls through her phone, mindlessly liking posts on instagram, leaving a comment here and there and entering a couple of giveaways. A loud laugh makes her head snap up and her heart flutter. She doesn’t recognize the voice but there is a yearning within her that she doesn’t recognize. Twisting her head, trying to find the source of the beautiful noise she sees the guy from the coffee shop with an arm slung over his leather jacket clad friend.

His smile is blinding and Julie doesn’t want to look away, no matter how much she knows she should. He says something back to his friend that causes the dark haired male to push the brunette away. The push lands him in Julie’s way as he stumbles into the bench.

On instinct, Julie grasps his arm in order to stop him from hitting the floor. Their eyes meet and Julie’s heart screams, but neither attempt to make a move, or even speak to each other.

The Universe smiles. Finally. Nothing can get in between them now. They’re in front of each other. They’re touching. They have to know. But then.

Flynn’s voice reverberates across the store as she says that nothing spoke to her. Willing herself to stand up, Julie averts her gaze and walks away, not understanding why her chest feels like it will burst open with every step she takes.

The Universe could scream. Just how hard will they have to try to get these two idiots together. They didn’t make a mistake. There is no such thing as soulmates who aren’t meant to be, whether they be platonic or romantic. No, these two are just too dense and oblivious for their own good.

Time for plan C, the Universe decides.

. . .

The club is packed. Sweaty bodies push against her and Julie crinkles her nose. She doesn’t normally frequent clubs, especially places as packed as this one, but Flynn and Carrie dragged her out tonight (as they do every weekend) because apparently this up and coming band is playing tonight and they are sure that she will love them.

Julie doesn’t doubt that she will, there is hardly a genre of music that she doesn’t enjoy, but she much prefers to listen to them from the comfort of her room, or anywhere else that doesn’t require her to interact with drunk people who keep pushing her.

She is not really listening to Flynn and Carrie’s conversation, only nodding whenever it seems appropriate. It isn’t long till the lights dim even more than before and a spotlight lights up the stage. Four guys jog up the steps and the crowd screams joyfully.

They all get ready and as soon as the drummer counts them in, the song starts. The lead singer looks up and Julie stops breathing. He starts singing and her sight goes black. Suddenly, memories that she is sure aren’t hers start flashing before her.

A young boy getting his first guitar.

Him meeting his friends and making a pact with them.

The same boy, older now, writing his first song.

The boy laying on his bed, fingers brushing against the tattoo on his forearm, identical to hers.

Starting a band with his best friends, his brothers.

She sees him fight with his mom, loose a relationship so important to him.

She sees him breakdown as he pedals down the street.

He’s there at the mall, the record store, the ice cream parlor, the bowling alley.

He’s always there. Moments she’s shared with the people in her life, he’s always there. So close but just out of reach.

Then it’s him meeting her eyes at the coffee shop. Their moment at the shoe store.

The pictures start flashing faster now and it’s harder for Julie to make out what they are but what is clear to her is that it’s her, growing old with the brunette. With Luke.

His name is Luke, and he is her soulmate.

And even though she has never heard their music before, she starts singing. The lyrics of the song written by Luke coming naturally to her. It’s the first time she’s sang in over a year and it feels like a breath of fresh air.

Luke suddenly can’t hear anything. His bandmate’s instruments fade out and all he seems to be able to hear is an angel-like voice, coming from somewhere in the crowd.

His eyes search for the source and once he locks eyes with the girl his vision goes black.

He sees a girl, sitting next to her mother on a piano bench as she makes an attempt to play.

Then he sees her again, sitting with another girl on the playground, and as all the other kids are playing, they’re performing a song.

The girl is older now, playing the piano keys in a perfect melody. Her mom is still sitting next to her and she’s smiling down at her.

She’s in the hospital, carrying her little brother for the first time.

The girl is sitting on the piano again, this time alone and there are tears streaming down her face.

He sees her loose her mom and therefore her music. He sees her not even hum for over a year.

Then he sees himself, walking past her, not noticing her. She’s everywhere. That time at the beach with Reggie, she was there, playing with her family.

His walks down sunset boulevard with her only a few feet away. How could he not notice her? How could he possibly miss her when she shines brighter than anything in the world?

But he notices her now, and he will keep noticing her in the future, as images of her growing old with him and making music together flash before him.

He comes back to reality to see her still looking at him, singing, and he realizes that he missed his cue, but he doesn’t care, because nothing matters more than the beautiful girl, Julie, who has taken his breath away.

Julie, his soulmate.

His tattoo stings and he winces, finally breaking eye contact with Julie to look down. The music notes are glowing and when he looks back up he notices Julie’s are too.

The music continues and he wonders if everyone is witnessing the moment or if only him and Julie can see. His next verse is coming up and he knows he can’t miss another one so he leans forward to his mic and starts singing, not taking his eyes off of Julie.

She stares right back, singing the lyrics loudly and passionately. The show continues much the same and if he were to ask anyone, they would say it is the damn best he has ever played. Once it’s over he runs off stage and out the back door, planning to make his way to the front of the bar. He runs down the alleyway and crashes hard into another body.

Lifting his arms to steady the person, his heart stops. She’s there, standing in front of him, looking up through her lashes and he does the most drastic and impulsive thing he has ever done.

He kisses her. He kisses her because he is so sure that he would die on the spot if he didn’t. And Julie kisses him back.

Luke cups the back of her neck as she tangles her fingers in his hair. After a couple of seconds, or maybe years, they pull away.

“Hi,” he whispers.

“Hi,” Julie responds.

“I’m Luke,” his voice is much too breathy, and he is still attempting to get his lungs to work properly.

“Julie,” she doesn’t sound much better.

They both smile and then burst out laughing.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say,” Luke admits once he has calmed down.

Julie shakes her head. “I would say that we should get to know each other but I just saw your whole life played out, which by the way I have never heard of it happening.”

Luke’s smile widens. “Well I have also never heard of soulmates meeting and not realizing they are soulmates so I think we’re just special.”

“Yeah,” Julie says resting her head against his chest and listening to the beat of his heart matching hers. “I think we’re special too.”

The Universe leans back, smiling down at the pair. They were a hard one, possibly the hardest they’ve ever had to do. But as they study them, already falling in love with each other without having to even say much, they know that it was worth it. The Universe wasn’t ready for Julie Molina and Luke Patterson, but they are now and the whole world better get ready.

#julie molina #luke patterson #Julie and Luke #julie and the phantoms #julie and the phantoms fanfic #julie and the phantoms fanfiction #julie x luke #luke x julie #juke #jukebox #jukebox fic #jatp #jatp fanfic #jatp fanfiction #julie and the himbos #julie and the fat ones #luke patterson x reader

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asphyxiateher · 3 years

Text

Only Monsters Come Out at Night *Chapter 6*

Chapter 6: How Do I Live Without the Ones I Love? Summary: Veronica wants Desdemona to come to her senses and escape Castle Dimitrescu with her. The problem is...Desdemona doesn’t want to. A/N: Character death. Graphic descriptions of violence. I tried to link my previous chapters and I’m having issues sjfodsogsdkg I’ll edit when I get a chance to lol

Desdemona was slowly losing her mind the longer she tried to stay alive in Castle Dimitrescu. Alcina’s daughters were more than what she could handle but she did what she could to stay on their good side. Her methods were unusual to say the least, but she managed to live another day because of her strategizing. Bela was the eldest daughter, so her needs came first when she required Desdemona’s attention. Cassandra was the middle child, and she had her own insecurities that made her a little high maintenance, but Desdemona didn’t mind that at all. Daniela was…well, she was certainly rambunctious enough to keep the surviving Hawthorne twin on her toes. Desdemona had managed to prevent another poor maiden from being struck by a blunt object by immediately interfering and pulling Bela to the side to calm her down with a kiss. They stayed in each other’s warm embrace for quite a while, giving the maiden time to excuse herself and run off elsewhere. The distraction was effective, and Desdemona could have pulled away the moment she knew the other woman was safe, but she didn’t. Bela hummed happily against her lips and Desdemona reveled in the feeling of being wanted so of course she was reluctant to break the spell between her and Bela. That’s what was starting to feel unusual for Desdemona. The more time she spent with each of the sisters, the less she hated it. They were evil, filthy creatures and yet she could not get enough of them.

Cassandra made her forget that she was a sadistic monster that enjoyed tormenting the people around her for giggles. Desdemona decided to watch some of her movies with Cassandra on her laptop, and she made the mistake of playing Chicago, her all-time favorite musical. As soon as ‘Cell Block Tango’ came on, Cassandra became so infatuated with the song and the scene itself, she asked Desdemona to replay it several times until she memorized the lyrics. It was fascinating to observe the vampire attempt to recreate the dances she had just seen so she laughed at the utter absurdity of it all. Cassandra suddenly stopped dancing and glared at Desdemona. “What are you laughing at?” She asks, now completely uncertain of herself as she nervously plays with her hair.

“Nothing, I swear. You just look so happy, it’s kind of cute.” Desdemona replies, her mouth snapping shut the moment she realized what she had just told the other woman.

She’s blushing now, unsure of why she had just told her captor that she thought she was cute. Cassandra’s scowl slowly turns into a knowing smirk, and she places her hands on her hips as she stares down at Desdemona with hungry eyes. Desdemona gulps. Was she about to be gutted alive or were they about to engage in what Cassandra calls physical play? She didn’t have a chance to rethink what she could have done differently in that moment as Cassandra throws herself on top of Desdemona, her hands clawing at her clothes and cupping the most intimate parts of her body. While Cassandra respected her boundaries when it came to wanting more, Desdemona did not come out of that room unscathed.

The hickeys and bruises did not bother any of the sisters much as they knew they had to share their favorite little pet between all of them. Daniela enjoyed marking Desdemona as much as the other two did but she was convinced her love bites meant more to her human pet because their “love” was true and eternal. Desdemona dared not contradict her in fear of her throat being slit but she played along with it. Eventually, Daniela would grow bored of her, would she not? It was hard to say especially when she wanted to snuggle with Desdemona almost every night and wanted her to read one of her books aloud. Desdemona would read to Daniela and the red-haired vampire would listen patiently, her fingers tracing senseless patterns along her plaything’s arms.

Other days, Daniela liked to play rough and tossed Desdemona around like a rag doll when it was her turn to spend time with the pet. Daniela just wanted to assert her dominance with the human and to let her know that she was hers to love and play with. Desdemona endured painful slaps to her face and rear, bites to her breasts and deep scratches on her back only for Daniela to giggle at her handiwork and whisper in her ear how much she loved seeing the smaller girl covered in her markings. It ought to be too much to bear for Desdemona, but for some reason…it wasn’t enough. She kept going back for more every time so she must have learned to like it. Desdemona figured she must have been conditioned to enjoy it because no longer could she hear the rational voice in her head telling her to run away and push back but instead, she hears whispers that soothe her into submission. She is convinced she’s losing her mind and her best friend could easily verify that.

In fact, Veronica had not been herself either for quite some time, Desdemona noticed, and her behavior had been odd ever since she toured unseen parts of the mansion with Lady Dimitrescu. Her demeanor was subdued in a way she had never seen before, and she tried asking her friend about it but all she would get in return was a furious shaking of her head. There was no glimmer of hope in Veronica’s eyes anymore; instead, Desdemona found herself staring into a void of despair whenever she tried meeting her friend’s gaze. It was a little worrying for a while until one day, she recognized a familiar spark ignite in Veronica once more.

Her friend was hot-headed and sometimes the littlest of things could set her off and today, of all days, Veronica reacted to the sight of Desdemona cozying up to Daniela in the library. Desdemona was not aware that her best friend was allowed to roam the premises freely but judging by the uniform her friend was presumably forced into, she was possibly tasked with cleaning the ground level while the other maids were sent upstairs. Veronica kept a neutral facial expression as she approached her best friend, but she swallowed hard at the sight of Daniela’s hand being held by Desdemona. She couldn’t help but clear her throat awkwardly as she stood in front of them snuggled up so comfortably on the couch.

“Dezzy, I need to have a word with you…in private, if you can grant me the time.” Veronica says stiffly, her nostrils flaring the longer she found herself staring at Desdemona. As for Desmond’s twin, she was in such a state that would imply she had just gotten intimate with the vampire with the smug grin on her face. Veronica noticed a new hickey on the nape of her best friend’s neck, and she had to clench her fists to keep herself grounded.

“Veronica! Yeah, I’ve been wondering where you went, I think we need to catch up. Will you excuse us, Daniela?” Desdemona responds, her cheeks reddening at the fact that she had been caught in a private moment with one of her mistresses.

Daniela lazily glances up at her mother’s little plaything and grimaces at the sight of her.

“Don’t keep me waiting, love. You know I don’t like to be kept waiting.” Daniela says as she plants a sloppy kiss on the corner of Desdemona’s mouth. She casts a menacing look over to Veronica before she turns to walk away, giggling like a madwoman.

Desdemona exhales anxiously and gestures for Veronica to lead the way into the corridor. Veronica ignores the request and leads them to the nearest available window, staring outside and trying to make sense of what she could. The windows were frosted over, ice building up quickly and the view of the outside world was smothered by snow. Desdemona used to like the cold weather, but recently, she’s developed an aversion to freezing temperatures. She wanted to stay warm and snuggled up close with Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela. She could not admit it out loud, but she ached to be near any of them and there was a profound sense of longing whenever she was away too long. She is changing and she thinks Veronica has noticed.

“You know, it’s amazing how quickly you’ve forgotten that these freaks were responsible for Desmond’s death. Our mothers are out there trying to get a hold of us because we haven’t been keeping in touch like we’ve promised and now they’re thinking something horrible must have happened. News flash: your twin brother, my loving boyfriend, was disemboweled in front of us and you’re out here fucking the vampires that are torturing us! What the fuck, Desdemona?!” Veronica shouted, the calm and collected manner in how she usually carried herself in conversations quickly turning up a few notches.

Desdemona was taken aback, clearly not prepared to have this conversation with her best friend though she knew it wasn’t going to be easy regardless.

“V-Veronica, I haven’t seen you in three days since you Alcina took you and you want to talk about what I’ve resorted to doing for survival?” Desdemona asks, ignoring the way Veronica rolled her eyes at that.

“For survival or for your sick pleasure, Des? In the past few days since my unfortunate trip down to what I think is the portal to Hell, I’ve seen you and how you behave around these monsters. I’m worried for you; I think they’re changing you and I don’t like it. I understand being compliant out of fear, but you’ve been getting real goddamn cozy with them, like they’re all your lovers or whatever! I need you to tell me what is going on because from my perspective, it looks like you stopped giving a shit about survival and you are just giving yourself freely to them like some pathetic, spineless slut!” Veronica replies hotly, taking a step towards Desdemona, who doesn’t flinch. Daniela was still hovering around the library but she instantly appears next to a bookshelf to observe the conversation more carefully should the other human overstep her boundaries. She pulls out her sickle and grips it tightly in case she has to defend her lover from the loud-mouthed pet her mother enjoyed tormenting.

“You have some nerve, Veronica, you won’t even tell me what happened to you down there! You don’t think I’ve been traumatized by what I’ve experienced so far? I don’t know what’s fucking happening to me anymore! Everything you’re telling me to do, like find weaknesses and whatnot, it all makes sense to me but it’s not sinking in for whatever reason. I have this urge to run away but it goes away when I hear these voices in my head telling me not to leave the girls. I’m tethered to all of them, V, I don’t know how but there’s this fucking connection I have with each and every one of them and it’s like I’m in physical pain when I think about hurting or leaving them. I’m more whole as a person now then I ever was before because of them and I don’t know what that says about me.” Tears begin to stream down Desdemona’s face and Veronica somewhat relents.

She lets out a frustrated sigh and places a comforting hand on Desdemona’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze before she speaks to her with a calm voice.

“You want to talk about traumatic experiences, then let’s do it without downplaying each other’s experiences. I clearly don’t know what you’re going through, it sounds…difficult, and very hard to believe, but you’re obviously bothered by it. Do you want to know what I just went through to get the opportunity to speak to you outside of the dungeon? Another maid paid with her life to grant me this position. The countess dragged me to some dark, untouched part of the castle where we were confronted by this horrifying…slimy, blob creature that looked like a goddamn mutated fetus.” “You can hear its ungodly laughter as it approached us and from the elevator, Alcina pushed out the other maid that was with us and she locked the door behind her. I had to watch this ungodly science experiment eat another human being alive and Alcina made me watch every second of it. Every bone crunching sound it made and the unforgettable wailing from the poor maid haunts me when I try to fall asleep at night. If it weren’t for that maid, I doubt I’d be up here begging you to come to your senses. I need your help, Dezzy. Please understand how much I need you to see how badly we need to get the fuck out of here.” Veronica finishes as she pulls Desdemona into a hug. She’s weeping onto her shoulder now and all Desdemona could do was squeeze her tighter and hold her for longer. Even though Veronica had been ready to throw hands with Desdemona, it was almost always too easy to get her to calm down when she held her like this in her arms. Everything felt normal in that moment, like everything was as it should be but deep down, Desdemona knew that wasn’t true. Especially when Veronica sniffed and pulled out a journal, almost like it was a personal diary, and placed it in Desdemona’s hands.

“I think once you read the first few entries, you’ll be a little more comfortable with the idea of leaving this place once and for all, just you and me. I found this while I was snooping around in that horrible part of the castle and I just knew I had to show you. All we have to do is open a few windows and we can do away with lady Dimitrescu’s daughters. Once we get rid of them, we escape mama’s wrath and run back home where we belong.” Veronica tells Desdemona as she plants a kiss on her forehead. Desdemona did not have much of a chance to respond before Daniela spoke up for her. They hear maniacal laughter echoing from behind one of the bookshelves and it’s all it takes for Veronica’s sour mood to return.

“Get rid of me and my sisters? Oh you foul human, it’s so adorable that you think you can take on all of us, let alone me. I’ll let you off with a warning because my plaything is attached to you for whatever reason but touch her again, I’ll shove this sickle so far down your throat, you’ll be shitting steel. Now back off!” Daniela warns as she approaches Veronica, a move her friend was hoping would happen since they just so happened to be standing next to a window.

Guilt begins to settle in the pit of Desdemona’s stomach as a new conflict arose from within. She shouldn’t be conspiring against her mistresses for they loved and cared for her but then again, she should be siding with her best friend, someone she had known since she was eight years old. She didn’t know what to do, her worry beginning to initiate a full blown panic attack. “Why don’t you make me back off, you disgusting piece of rotten filth! If I’m going to go out, it’s going to be on my fucking terms and I’m not going down without a fight.” Veronica says as she shoves Desdemona behind her.

Daniela smirks, then raises her sickle in preparation for the fight to come. What comes next sends both Daniela and Desdemona into a panic. Veronica quickly twists around to fully open the window, a freezing cold blast of air hitting Daniela and impairing her almost immediately. The pained shriek she lets out could be felt throughout the castle, but Desdemona feels it tugging at her heart.

“I…don’t…do well…in the…cold! You can’t stop me…mother…will kill…you!” Daniela moans, dropping her weapon as she starts to solidify under the intense temperature change in the room.

The red-haired woman is wildly swinging her arms around and Desdemona can tell she’s slowing down. It’s only going to get worse, and Desdemona is torn.

Veronica rushes to pick up the bust of a famous historical figure off the nearest pedestal and slams it against Daniela’s head. She howls in pain and Desdemona has to hold back tears as she watches her best friend attempt to murder Alcina’s youngest. She’s frozen to the spot, painfully aware that Veronica is shouting at her and ordering her to help her but she hears dark whispers in her head again. “Daniela, what on Earth are you shouting about – wait, what are you doing to my daughter?! GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HER AT ONCE!” Alcina’s voice booms through the library and it seems to pull Desdemona out of her reverie.

Alcina looks furious as she strides towards them from across the library, her claws beginning to form and from either side of her follow both of her daughters with terrified expressions on their faces as they watch their sister die from the harsh winter cold air. “Mother, what about Daniela? Is there anything we can do for her or is it too late!?” “Daniela, no, hold on just a little longer, we’re almost there!” Veronica glances over at Desdemona and tosses over Daniela’s sickle to her. “Come on, Des, it’s now or never, let’s send out the message that we should never have gotten fucked with. Let’s go!” She shouts as she encourages Desdemona to deliver the killing blow.

Desdemona is violently shaking as she observes Daniela’s form slowly start to freeze over and it isn’t until she sees the heart-breaking expression on the dying woman’s face that Desdemona decides what to do.

“I don’t…want…to die!” She screeches, the words vibrating in Desdemona’s skull.

The dark whispers tell her that she can still save Daniela’s life and that all would be forgiven should she do so. Her mistress loves her, and she needs her to love her back. Desdemona would have to forsake her old life in order to live out the rest of her days in Castle Dimitrescu but the only obstacle that was left remained alive: Veronica.

Her best friend since elementary school, Desdemona closes her eyes and fondly remembers the first time they met. Veronica brought her Spice Girl dolls to play with at recess but nobody wanted to play with her. Desdemona shyly approached her and asked if she could join in on the fun because she loved the Spice Girls too and Veronica welcomed her into her life. Ever since then, the girls became inseparable. From sleepovers to prom night to celebrating each other’s eighteenth birthdays by going to LGBT nightclubs, Veronica was like family to Desdemona. After this holiday trip, Desmond was going to propose to V and they were all going to move in together down in Colorado where Veronica’s mother lived and where V planned on continuing going to school.

Desdemona exhales and steadies her grip on the sickle as she walks towards the open window. She slams it shut, reluctantly turning to face Veronica who was just about to smash the bust against Daniela’s face again. Cassandra and Bela immediately rush over to Daniela and embrace their younger sibling, relief etched on Alcina’s face for a moment before she refocused her rage towards Veronica.

Desdemona couldn’t take it anymore, she knew she had to follow her heart and so she did. “Dezzy, what the fuck are you -hhhng!” Veronica begins, her jaw dropping as the heavy bust she’d been carrying fell to the floor.

The last thing Veronica’s beautiful dark brown eyes saw were a pair of cold, gray eyes staring at her with regret and soft pink lips mouthing “I’m so sorry, Veronica!” repeatedly. Desdemona pierced through the side of Veronica’s skull with Daniela’s sickle, her hands twisting and pushing until all life finally drained out of her best friend. The hardest part for Desdemona was watching the light leave those familiar pretty eyes and it was all because of her. When she yanked the sickle back out, V’s body dropped to the floor with a loud thud and a chunk of flesh remained on the edge of the weapon she had just used on her best friend. Desdemona felt bile rise in the back of her throat, so she turned and threw up, her hands still shaking after she was able to gather her strength to look up again.

Alcina’s claws retracted as the woman stared down at Veronica’s corpse before looking back at Daniela then over to Desdemona, who was now kneeling on the ground.

“You saved my daughter’s life. Words cannot express how grateful I am for your intervention. I understand this may be difficult for you, but you made the right choice. Thank you.” Alcina tells Desdemona, leaning over to place a comforting hand on her shoulder before retreating to where her daughters stood.

“She saved my life! I told you Desdemona loves me the most out of all of us! She truly cares for me!” Daniela croaks out, trying her best to wriggle free from her sisters’ hold on her but they were stubborn.

“Not bad for her first kill. I prefer a hot blood bath myself, but I’m seriously impressed. Oh crap, I think she’s going to freak out.” Cassandra says with a chuckle as they all watch Desdemona react to Veronica’s death with interest.

Desdemona was sobbing uncontrollably now, her body rocking back and forth as she tries to wipe off the blood on her hands. Her eyes flick over to the sickle with the chunk of brain on the end of it and back to Veronica’s lifeless body. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, V! I loved you more than anything!” She whispers to herself, wrapping her arms around herself for comfort. It wasn’t going to last long, however, as Lady Dimitrescu’s daughters surrounded Desdemona and Veronica’s corpse laying at their feet.

“Tonight we celebrate each and every one of you with a feast. This wasn’t how I wanted dinner to be served, but as you can see, Desdemona Hawthorne is eager to please. How can we refuse such a beautiful gift from our lovely newcomer? I say dig in, girls.” Alcina declares before she walks over to Desdemona’s kneeling form and forcefully sets her upright.

“Wait- wait, what do you mean dinner is served? What are you going to do to Veronica’s body?” Desdemona asked with desperation evident in her voice.

Alcina Dimitrescu simply smiled and held Desdemona close to her body, keeping her in place with a headlock so tight that if the younger girl tried to escape, Alcina could easily pull it right off. “Your corruption is not yet complete my dear. I am simply welcoming you to my family and you will become accustomed to how we do everything around here. My daughters love you and you will learn to love everything about them, including how they feast on the blood of the innocent. Now hush, girl, and be thankful you are not the corpse ready to be devoured.” Alcina whispers in her ear before she laughs at Desdemona’s feeble attempts to escape.

“No, oh for the love of God, please don’t make me watch! That’s m-my best friend, please don’t do this to me! I’d rather you kill me now, please, just don’t make me watch!” Desdemona pleads and screams but it does nothing, it only sweetens the air around the ravenous vampires who are about to tear into the corpse at their feet. Daniela growls when she uses her sickle to cut off Veronica’s tongue, Bela giggles as she begins to yank out Veronica’s piercings one by one and Cassandra has already begun working on tearing out her limbs. “Save me her mouth, I wish to savor the flavor of a pathetic nobody that dared to try and take away my precious Desdemona.” Daniela says as she throws her head back to laugh wildly along with Bela and Cassandra.

Desdemona’s screams and protests are ignored, Alcina forcing her eyes open as she’s forced to watch the three vampires consume her best friend. When Bela cuts into certain parts of her flesh, blood sprays out and lands on Desdemona’s face, causing the young girl to feel faint. She eventually can’t handle the horror of watching the girls tear apart Veronica and so she passes out in Lady Dimitrescu’s arms. The last thing she remembers hearing before the world fades to black is Cassandra chastising her mother for laughing and begs her to let Desdemona sleep in her arms instead.

#only monsters come out at night #chapter update #chapter 6 #RE8 Village #Resident Evil 8 #Resident Evil VIllage #RE Village #Lady Dimitrescu's daughters #Alcina Dimitrescu #Bela Dimitrescu #Daniela Dimitrescu #Cassandra Dimitrescu #Bela dimitrescu x ofc #cassandra dimitrescu x ofc #daniela dimitrescu x ofc #mine

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jisvnq · 4 years

Text

[ 03:58AM ]

title | missing you

genre | fluff, humor, a teensy-weensy itsy-bitsy dash of angst, idol!au

warnings | none

word count | 1.2k

requested | nope~

description | where jisung misses you too much, he can't fall asleep.

z.txt | idk, i just woke up in the middle of the night for literally no reason(?) and i suddenly had the inspiration to write this up lol

"Hello, Ji? What—"

"Y/nnie..." Jisung said with a yawn as soon as you picked up. His voice was heavily laced with exhaustion as he sighed. "I miss you..."

"Ji," he heard you sigh. "Isn't it nearly four there? What are you doing up?"

"I can't- can't fall asleep," he mumbled, words slurring together. "When are you coming back?"

"I'll be back home soon, Ji," your soft voice reassured him. "This tour won't last forever, so don't worry. Just a few more months to go and we'll see each other again before the new year, my love."

Even in Jisung's sleepy state, his heart fluttered at your words, somehow feeling calm and at ease just by hearing your voice.

"But that's like... five... four... three months more?" he whined, tossing around in his bed, reaching out for the special hoodie of his that you sprayed in your perfume before you left and bringing it close to his chest.

"It's two months, my love." He groaned, hearng you chuckle. "I'll be back before you know it. Don't you worry."

"But I miss you," he drawled on dramatically. "Two months is still... too long. I want to hug you now."

"Patience, Jisung," you told him patiently when you hear him whine again. "And soon as I'm home, you can hug me all you want, deal?"

"Fine," Jisung said with a pout, closing his eyes when he yawned again, breathing in the scent of you from his hoodie as he hugged it tightly. "You better keep your word on that. I'm beginning to think I've been hugging this stupid hoodie more than I've ever hugged you... and now I wanna hug you even more. Ugh. I hate this hoodie. I want you."

"Jisung, you're getting extremely... needy," you said amusedly, hearing his huff of annoyance. "That means you're extra sleepy and you need extra naps. Please tell me you have the day off today."

"I have a schedule for four... six in the afternoon...?" he trailed off, not really knowing. "Something like that, I don't know. All I know is that I miss hugging you and kissing you and just... you. I think I might cry if I don't wake up next to you tomorrow, Y/nnie."

You chuckled. "Park Jisung, get yourself together, you silly baby—!"

"Hey, I'm not a baby!" He complained. "You're the baby! I— wait, if I say I'm a baby, will you come back home to take care of me, Y/nnie?"

He heard your bright laugh on the other end and felt himself smile widely, his heartbeat speeding up a bit knowing it was him who made you laugh like that. He felt somewhat accomplished, because even in this quite odd, sleepy state of his, he still managed to make you laugh your beautiful laugh. If he could get sounds tattooed, he'd get this one right on his forehead for everyone to see— or hear.

"Ji," you said, still chuckling a bit. "You're adorable, but I'm afraid that even if you did admit you're the cutest, most precious baby in the world, I still wouldn't be able to just randomly get a flight back to Korea. The world doesn't work that way, my love."

"We'll make our own world then," he said sleepily, brain beginning to slow down when he hears you subconsciously humming to whatever music played in the background of wherever you were. "A world where we have chicken wings and can fly faster than the Flash so we can see each other whenever we want to."

You couldn't help but laugh a bit louder, muttering out a little "sorry" as you attracted quite a lot of attention to yourself. "Chicken wings... flying faster than Flash? I think you're beyond sleepy, my love."

Jisung hummed, a goofy smile spreading across his face as he imagined you giggling like mad in the middle of the makeup room. "You think? I thought it was quite clear I've been lacking in sleep since the beginning of the week, Y/nnie."

"Park Jisung, go to sleep then, silly!" You said with a shake of your head. "Need me to sing for you?"

"Yes please," Jisung said as soon as you finished your sentence, tugging the blanket up to his chin as if it was you who tucked him in, and he placed the hoodie right under his nose as if it was you he was hugging instead. He yawned. "I miss- I miss your singing too..."

"What song do you want me to sing for you, my love?" you asked him softly.

"Sing anything, any song you want to sing," Jisung said drowsily. "I don't care if you sing Mad City, Puzzle Piece, or your new song. I just want to hear you singing, I just miss hearing you- you singing."

"Alright, my love."

And with a chuckle, you sang. Your voice soft and gentle as you sang to him a familiar melody, a soothing warmth washing over his body — almost like what one of your nice and toasty hugs would give him. He was slightly thankful you didn't actually choose to sing Mad City for him to sleep to, instead a calm tune of yours he knew you wrote the lyrics to. Making it all the warmer for his heart.

His yawns became more frequent, breaths slowly beginning to even out as he began to drift off into his dreams. His dreams that consisted of you and him, in some magical wonderland, together.

You slowed to a stop when you heard his snores reach your end of the phone and you smiled to yourself. It wasn't everyday Jisung was as clingy as this, so you treasured the rare moments where he so endearingly let you take care of him when it was usually him who babied you. It wasn't everyday you got to see him in person, nor give him all the attention he definitely deserved from you either.

It made your heart ache knowing you couldn't kiss his forehead goodnight whenever he wanted you to nor hug him when he needed you to. You both knew it was inevitable when you became idols together, when you began dating. Trying your absolute hardest to keep your special relationship on the low meant constantly conflicting schedules, resulting in days, weeks, or even months of not being able to see each other at all.

But you knew he loved you, he knew you loved him, and that was enough to keep both of you going.

"Y/n," your group leader called gently, raising your chin and wiping away the tear that unknowingly fell down your cheek. Your leader gave you a sad smile. "Miss him?"

"Yeah," you sighed, sniffling a bit and standing up, your leader giving you a supportive hug as the rest of your members soon came in for a group hug as well. You looked up at them and gave them a genuinely thankful smile. "Do we need to go now?"

Your question, however, was answered by a staff member calling you up one by one for rehearsal. You looked back to your phone, putting it up to your ear to listen to Jisung's peaceful snores one last time before you had to leave your phone with a staff member who impatiently held her hand out for it.

"I love you."— and you ended the call.

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dustedmagazine · 3 years

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Listed: Colin Fisher

Photo by ilyse krivel

Toronto-based multi-instrumentalist Colin Fisher is on a constant quest for the ecstatic through sound. His journey has taken him in many directions, from the math-rock inspired group Sing That Yell That Spell, to the fiery free improvisation duo Not the Wind, Not the Flag. As a band leader, his free jazz quartet released the white-hot Living Midnight for Astral Spirits in 2020, about which Derek Taylor wrote, “Passages of ruminant restraint alternate with excoriating blasts and outbursts, but the means always remains intelligible and momentum driven whether full-steam or incremental.” Solo, Fisher has recently wafted in a more contemplative direction that might see him associated with the new age revival, but this work is as exploratory and engaging as his most spirited improvisational outings. Here, he lists some of the pieces within which he experiences the sublime.

Jean-Pierre Leguay — Chant d’Airain

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Some of my first experiences with the sublime in music were in church. I abhorred being in church (and would even attempt to hide to avoid attendance) but at the end of service the organist played as the congregation filed out. The selections were usually secular and I can remember my rapt attention. Not because of some aesthetic taste but because I was having a physical/biological response to the sounds. Being in the resonant chamber of the cathedral provided a fully immersive experience. Rather than suggest whatever music was being played at the time I’m going to fast forward to my mid 20s… While in the same church, I heard the principal organist of Notre Dame improvise with some Messiaen-symmetrical ideas that lifted me out of my corporeal form and left me sobbing in a church pew at the very church I would have done everything in my power not to be present in as a child. The organist was Jean-Pierre Leguay.

Ravi Shankar — At Monterey Pop

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An early transmission from what seemed like outer space at the time, as a young child I heard the sounds of Ravi Shankar and Alla Rakha live at Monterey Pop (my parents had this and the record with Yehudi Menuhin.) Ravi is far from my fav Hindustani musician or sitarist, of which I have innumerable favorites now. But I’m particularly enamored with Vilayat Khan after reading his biography, The Sixth String of Vilayat Khan, a couple of years ago. Pandit Pran Nath is also a huge inspiration.

Polvo — Cor-Crane Secret

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Without sifting through the rubble of my punk/hardcore teens (which was totally legit inspirational beauty, from Minor Threat and straight edge to grunge, etc.) I want to highlight a band that literally changed my life in my mid to late teens. When I first heard Cor-Crane Secret by Polvo, I didn’t realize that music like this existed. It gave me permission to go on long wonky improvisational explorations — endless melodies and whammied chords that would go on for hours sometimes. I also got to see them on the Today’s Active Lifestyles tour when I was 18, totally life changing.

Ornette Coleman — The Shape of Jazz to Come

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The next stage I’ll focus on has a little more girth: my introduction to jazz/free jazz/improv/fusion. I think I first discovered this music by accident. I remember seeing a clip of Monk on the news the day he died. I was much younger, and I thought to myself “this music is like an alien transmission!” But I put that away in the vaults for a couple of decades. I also remember seeing a clip on TV of a soprano player at a jazz fest in Toronto, playing the craziest shit I’d ever heard (once again on a news program,) but had little-to-no context. The clip lasted probably 10 seconds but felt longer and I remember thinking something like “this is more punk rock than punk rock!” hahaha. So, there was a hunger there that I needed to satiate. But I had no access to any recordings where I lived. I remember reading books at the library about jazz history and the only CDs I could borrow were Manteca or big band music. I had to imagine what Song X sounded like for the time being. Ornette’s The Shape of Jazz to Come was one of the first albums I actually bought, and it was more magical than any description could possibly illustrate. As pedestrian as this may seem to everyone now, it was another life changer for me. I can remember late nights sitting by myself, probably super high on good weed, listening to “Lonely Woman” and weeping.

John McLaughlin — Extrapolation

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In my early days of discovering jazz, I also came across the music of John Mclaughlin, initially via Mahavishnu Orchestra. His whole profile as a guitarist was incredibly inspiring for me — someone who had an equal footing in jazz, Flamenco, Indian classical music and fusion — a model for what I could become as a player (although I don’t think our styles are really even that comparable.) One of his albums that I think is maybe overlooked in his career is Extrapolation which has an incredible lineup and the compositions are incredible.

John Coltrane — Interstellar Space

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In considering this list I’m realizing there’s no way I can touch on all the music that has shaped me. But there is an album that’s shaped a great deal in terms of how I play and in what seems to be my favorite type of collaborative setting — the duo. Interstellar Space is an absolute masterpiece. Everything feels raw — the intensity, the interplay, the emotion. As much as I love so much of John Coltrane’s music, there’s something about this record that was akin to hearing punk music for the first time. There’s an immediacy to expression and interaction. And it was something that felt available to me (certainly not his virtuoso chops, which felt otherworldly — an unscalable monolith.) The direct communication between two people was a revelation and the content of this music felt like something I could mine for the rest of my life.

The Ivo Perelman Trio — “Cantilena”

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Fast-forward another few years or more and I had travelled with some good friends to NYC for I think it was the JVC Jazz Fest. We wanted to see MMW play (of whom I still think Friday Afternoon In the Universe is a perfect album.) While we were there though, we saw so much beautiful music that blew me away. The most significant for me though, was catching the last 10 minutes of a set by the Ivo Perelman trio in Tribeca somewhere (the trio was with Jay Rosen on drums and Dominic Duval on bass, who I played with several years later. RIP). It was electrifying. I was moved enough to go and talk to him after and he gave me an unmarked demo tape of Seeds, Vision and Counterpoint. There’s a track on the album called “Cantilena” and it really drops into this heavy space for around 10 minutes that gives me the chills every time I hear it. There is this free lyricism that is still absolutely elating to me. I love his playing and he’s still probably my favorite living saxophonist.

Marilyn Crispell — Vignettes

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Masabumi Kikuchi — Out of Bounds

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Using lyricism as a segue it brings me to the music of Marilyn Crispell, especially her albums Amaryllis,Nothing Ever Was Anyway, Vignettes and many others. She has a mode of free ballad playing that is absolutely transcendental. I will also mention Masabumi Kikuchi in the same breath. I find the desire more and more to play with a similar intention even though I rarely find myself in the context to do so.

Jute Gyte — Birefringence

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A total shift from this narrative of discovery and development is metal music. Something I’d been listening to since my teens and getting hip to some cool thrash music through Canadian band Voivod, particularly the album Dimension Hatröss. I've continued to follow the music and all of its various subgenres and have so many favorite picks, but I’ll choose just one and it’s a total mindbender. Jute Gyte’s Birefringence actually eclipses easy category and you really just need to experience it.

Giacinto Scelsi — “Uaxuctum”

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Catherine Christer Hennix — “Blues Alif Lam Mim In The Modes Of Rag Infinity/Rag Cosmosis”

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My last pick is another double pick (I know I’m cheating) because it relates to the power of music and ties it into the first selection. Another current, among many, of musical obsessions is “new music.” But when I heard Giacinto Scelsi’s music for the first time it surpassed all of my previous notions about what was possible with composed music — it felt like music from an ecstatic vision. Even as I listen to the track now, it immediately accesses some occult realm of sublimity that feels similar to the music I first heard in church but with an unbridled intensity and depth.

Another more recent selection that fits into this category — but that is different in that it embraces a sort of stasis rather than dynamic movement — is the music of Catherine Christer Hennix. If you don’t know her, she’s a deep well of musical/mathematical/spiritual inspiration for me. Another music without a real equivalent in this day and age — something that echoes ancestral currents as well as the vibration of the cosmos itself. Thanks for reading/listening. Peace be with you. xoxo

#dusted magazine #listed #colin fisher #Jean-Pierre Leguay #ravi shankar #polvo #ornette coleman #john mclaughlin #john coltrane #ivo perelman #marilyn crispell #masabumi kikuchi #jute gyte #giacinto scelsi #catherine christer hennix

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intrulogical · 4 years

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logan’s spotify playlist analysis

just a few (not really) thoughts i’ve garnered from the logan spotify playlist. fair warning, i have not heard of any of these songs before so i can be incorrect in interpreting some of the lyrics but hey, i’m trying my best, give ya girl a chance. i’ll also analyze the songs in order. summaries of my interpretations for each song is near at the end of the post! if you want to add anything, feel free to reply or reblog with your addition!

(one note, i won’t analyze the other sides’s playlist. i only did this because logan is my favorite, but if you want another analysis, i might do remus only if he gets one.)

big thanks to the logang discord who talked to me about the spotify playlist and my friend jana for proofreading this and letting me ramble to them! the analysis is below the cut. word count: 8300.

edit: apparently two songs aren’t available in my country, so i wasn’t able to see them right away to be added on this analysis. please check this post for the analysis of the songs what i do for u and the watchtower.

reblogging is highly appreciated!!! i worked rlly hard on this!!

tw: lots of logan angst, mentions of repression of emotions, mentions of lack of self esteem, and there’s a mention of suicide/depresion at the song “one more time with feeling” but i’ll mention it on the bullet so you know which part to skip!

the description of the playlist written by logan is interesting: “I was impelled to compile this selection of songs. I don’t entirely understand some of the lyrics, but I still found them compelling. Listen, or don’t.” the “listen, or don’t” part really suggests many things. one idea you can gain from that is that logan is probably ashamed of the songs he selected, even if he liked them, because it could be dubbed as “childish” but another thought i got is that the playlist confesses a lot of logan’s insecurities and personal issues, which might make him hesitant to present this to us because he’s not used to expressing himself and is probably scared of what others may think of him.

moreover, logan admitting he didn’t understand some of the lyrics sound a bit like a lie to me. while some songs could be difficult to understand without the lyrics, they all connect to something about logan, and to me, it’d make more sense that logan is hesitating to admit that some lyrics resonate with him because the lyrics connect to his personal identity/issues and he is definitely covering it up by saying he just vibes with the song’s aesthetic.

starting off, the elements by tom lehrer gives us the general idea about logan. he’s smart, he’s intelligent, he probably knows a lot more than what thomas knows which is weird but it works because it’s logan.

additionally, i just found out on genius.com that the song was meant to introduce the elements of the periodic table to an audience with a catchy tune so it can be remembered easily. this could imply that when thomas is learning something rather difficult, logan’s there to find different ways to teach thomas the lesson which thomas can easily adapt to.

white & nerdy by “weird al” yankovic is one of the few songs in logan’s playlist that’s in the form of a rap. before we dive into this song, i’d like to mention that logan picking very fast-paced songs are very interesting because i feel like raps and fast-paced songs resemble logan’s thought process. like remus, i feel like logan has an influx of thoughts and ideas that run across his head at any given time. fast songs could easily represent how much logan is thinking because raps can easily inform listeners about a lot of ideas and thoughts in one quick moment.

anyway, back to white & nerdy, first thing’s first: logan is an absolute nerd, but he also wants to be perceived as cool. this song practically screams “tryhard nerd is trying to be hip with the kids” and logan could probably relate to that on a spiritual level.

lyrics that probably stand out from this song would be the “I wanna bowl with the gangstas / But, oh well, it's obvious I'm white and nerdy” which is repeated throughout the song with the verbs changed in every chorus. “They see me strollin', they laughin' / And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white and nerdy” could imply that the way logan is trying to be “cool” is failing because no matter what, everyone will still see him as a “nerd” above all else. because of this, it’s hard for him to relate and communicate with the other sides because the way he expresses himself could be something perceived as weird to the other sides. logan is just that different with the others, maybe you can suggest he’s the odd one out.

(this is probably also why in dwit, when he was called “cool”, he let out a disbelieving noise. he just wants to be seen as cool while also being himself and in dwit, he achieved that. the flashcards logan uses across the series is supposed to make him look “cool” but in dwit, he didn’t use any of that at all, being himself throughout the episode, and at the end, he was finally called “cool” for being himself.)

also, this may be a stretch, but if the other sides are supposed to be the “gangstas” he wants to roll with, that also can imply that logan doesn’t think lowly of the other sides. rather, he thinks of them as cool as well, and he wants to be just like them.

algorhythm by childish gambino is a very interesting song and a song that might be a bit difficult to understand (poor me with my bilingual problems) but an interesting take i found on genius.com helped me understand the context of the song. i will explain the song first before discussing how it connects to logan because this song is so smart. the song’s verses display apprehension as many of the lyrics question the validity of humanity and our society. the verses are intentionally distorted and inaudible because these statements oppose what could be deemed as acceptable in the society. the reason it is portrayed this way is because the person is afraid to be the odd one out in a society who thinks otherwise, despite how correct this one person is while the rest of the society isn’t. the chorus, while it could be perceived as something fun, talks about how majority of the society would choose to be ignorant about what is truly happening in our society and they would often follow whatever is popular, trendy, or fun; that is what the “algorhythm” really means. the chorus demands us to follow whatever is being said, to move our body exactly how society expects us to move. we follow the pattern that society deems is good, no matter how many problems still persist in the society. that is why the chorus is the most audible part of the song, why be hesitant when whatever you’re doing is something that the society loves doing as well? the song repeats “the algorhythm is perfect, mmh” twice, and it is expressed by the person who is having questioning thoughts about the algorhythm. this implies that no matter what, you will succumb to whatever society demands of you, and anything, especially the thoughts of one person against many, would not be able to change that.

now, how does this connect to logan? there are two main things i’d love to discuss: 1.) logan being the odd one of the group as his beliefs and thoughts are often brushed aside as they contradict what the other three core sides believe. and; 2.) while sometimes correct, the other three core sides in certain situations could offer the wrong solutions for problems without knowing they are negatively impacting thomas. logan’s the person questioning the society, the other core sides are the majority who can sometimes be ignorant of what could truly be the best solution for problems that arise, and thomas is the one who blindly follows what the majority presents as solutions, consequently making some of his problems worse.

now for the first point: logan usually is the most insightful whenever there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. it’s already known that he wants to be listened to so badly, and this song implies that he feels disregarded for thinking differently, even if it’ll benefit thomas immensely. an example would be in dwit wherein patton and virgil wouldn’t stop doubting and cutting him off whenever he tries to help thomas. the song is implying that because of how he is the odd one out in the group, he is starting to become more apprehensive about what he thinks because he feels like he’s wrong most of the time. it implies that he thinks it’d be easier to succumb to what the others think is right rather than to think his own opinions are important. just like in the song, logan is “(Moving how they say so)” because at some point, he gives in to the idea that he is incorrect and wrong, and is beginning to adapt to what the majority thinks is right.

for the second point, i don’t want to suggest i’m berating the other three core sides when in reality, those three are also very important to thomas, but then again, those three aren’t the most flexible when accepting suggestions that come from logan. while the three don’t always agree on certain solutions, they agree more with each other compared to agreeing to solutions suggested by logan. when thomas sees this, he might think that because more sides agree with one idea, maybe it’s better to go with the majority, and that pushes logan away more despite his contributions actually being useful to the group.

okay, this is added last minute because i got the thought really late but i think we should recognize this as the event that pushed logan to start having higher expectations for himself. the previous song shows us he wants to be perceived as cool, but the next song shows us he wants to be perceived as perfect. the problem logan had with himself definitely evolved for the worse and i think this song shows us what pushed logan to be so nitpicky about how un-perfect he is.

fitter happier by radiohead has a very direct message and its connection to logan is the same with the message they are trying to say on its own. this song showcases the high expectations logan has for himself to be the most perfect side for thomas, when in reality, the list of things described in the song ironically doesn’t describe how we can become the “most perfect” human; it describes how we can be the most inhuman thing in the world. if anything, the list of activities only makes us more machine than human, which is why the song is spoken through a robotic voice. the connection to logan is really easy to make here: logan thinks that pushing himself to strictly follow a certain itinerary would be beneficial for him in the hopes that he can be the most perfect version of himself for thomas, when in reality, it’s unrealistic as it only encourages the repression of his negative emotions. moreover, this song implies that logan needs to understand that he is allowed to be free and to make mistakes because no human can ever be perfect. all he’ll end up doing is abuse himself if he continued down this path of repression and strict planning for himself. to be the best version of yourself means it’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s important to learn from them, and if you follow this toxic planning for yourself, you’ll only end up being trapped.

medicine by STRFKR gave me a bilingual headache because this song is kind of difficult to understand, even more than algorhythm. someone in genius.com mentioned that “Never Remember / Your Birthday” is actually wrong, and rather, it should be “ Never Remember / You’re perfect / Or anything you like”. the song itself talks about philosophy, saying you can never be perfect because if you realize that you are perfect, you become egotistical and you lose interest in learning more if you realize you’re “perfect”. logan would never, ever want to lose interest in learning-- that’s his entire being, damnit! logan wouldn’t be a person who’d want to disregard the importance of learning. because of this, the song implies logan recognized the fact that he can never be perfect, albeit quite hesitantly, but he still aims to be the best he can be for thomas.

the song states that while we cannot be perfect, we can still be curious and hungry for knowledge, and that would be a good substitute for aiming to be perfect. curiosity is the medicine being talked about in the song, and if logan can’t be perfect, at least he can be curious because in that way, logan can learn, logan can educate himself, and logan would be knowledgeable enough for thomas.

the breach by clipping. implies that logan is the most rational side who knows how to keep everything steady. while i won’t get into details of what the song is about, the song is rapped by a computer white a problem is occuring in the space ship they are in. just like the computer, logan is the side who oftentimes knows the correct approach for any given problem, but tends to complicate how he expresses his statements. i believe this song expresses how analytical logan is and how he requires himself to be the most specific he can be at any given moment. same points that i mentioned earlier could be applied again here: despite how intricate logan can be, the other sides need to listen to him more because whatever he’s saying isn’t just useless jargon. he does make valid statements and the other sides need to listen to him more or else, just like at the end of the song, everything can become utter chaos.

just one more thing to add-- while i am unfamiliar with the album, i read the genius.com annotations for the lyrics and it mentioned that the computer, who is a character in the album, slowly becomes more human-like over the course of the story. in this song, which is the beginning of the album, we can easily interpret the computer as an over-analyzing unemotional machine, but over time, they get to become more human and think past their coding. they get to develop their own emotions and they get to become something more than a logical device. see a connection with logan? this implies that logan’s arc will involve himself being able to differentiate himself as an individual and himself as logic. while he is thomas’s logic, he needs to allow himself to be his own person and have his own personality. (i wonder how that’ll mix in with the “i’m not perfect enough” problem logan has)

letter c by zach sherwin depicts logan’s frustration from being made fun of. the line “Hey you know the only difference between ‘rap’ and ‘crap?’ It’s the letter C” basically implies that someone told logan that his passions and interests are synonymous to shit. throughout the series, while logan’s passions aren’t directly invalidated, he has been called nicknames often, and also is doubted from time to time whenever he expresses something to the others. but the thing is, teaching others, educating others-- that’s what logan is passionate about, and the fact that a lot of the others are disinterested by what he says would undoubtedly make logan frustrated, like what happens in the song.

however, logan is not good at comebacks unless it was planned in advanced, but this song gives us a good idea of logan’s thought process whenever he gets insulted. we know he keeps a notebook of everything said to him that is deemed as stupid (embarrassing phases ep i think?) and we can understand that insults really get to him and sticks to him deeply. he overthinks about them; he ponders about them.

other than that, having no comebacks also make logan feel ashamed of himself (which is suggested at the end of the song) because not only would he look stupid to the others, he would also look uncool or un-perfect, and he really doesn’t want to be perceived as either.

galaxy song from monty python is honestly just adorable. while it is sad to see that logan probably doesn’t seek comfort in other people, he does seek comfort in the stars. he is very passionate about astronomy, and while i doubt thomas took the astronomy class logan desperately wanted him to take, logan still hasn’t given up on astronomy like thomas did. while some might be scared of the idea that we are a mere speck in the universe that extends infinitely, logan is fascinated by it. logan loves knowledge, logan loves learning, and he is very fond of astronomy mostly because the knowledge he can earn is unlimited. additionally, he finds worth in himself because he was born in a universe filled with many stars and planets that he finds fascinating, and i think that’s adorable.

streaks by ANIMA! depict thomas’s and logan’s shared development throughout the years, especially when thomas was still a teenager. while there are many hardships growing up, these hardships were detrimental for thomas to understand himself further, and it is all thanks to logan for helping thomas make sense of everything. here, logan highly values education, thinking of it as a crucial part of thomas’s future. the song suggests that logan has planned for thomas’s future for a very long time, and he is convinced that whatever thomas is going through in school will help benefit logan’s plans for thomas. once thomas left school, particularly college, he has learnt everything he needs for a brighter future. all of this knowledge and development is thanks to logan, and the lines “Throw em in the water / They will sink or float / If you don't then you will never know” speak of the process of how logan was able to gain information and knowledge that thomas would apply for himself in the future. this knowledge isn’t limited to academic knowledge-- it’s about his social life, about his personal self, it’s everything thomas has learned. everything thomas knows now is thanks to logan.

okay but here comes the angst. the line “You're a smart kid, tough kid, but you're still a kid that grew” implies so much. firstly, we can recognize that logan probably has had a long time plan for thomas’s future and his career since he was a teenager, and he expects thomas to follow this plan right after college because he expects that at this point, thomas has fully come to understand himself and he needs to put all this progress and development into good use. what he didn’t expect is that thomas was still developing, still changing, and is still “a kid that grew” despite graduating. as we know, thomas mostly does youtube/theatre for a living, and it probably pained logan that all this planning he has turned out pointless. but even if thomas changed career plans right after college, the chorus repeating again implies that logan is still helping thomas develop. he still makes plans for thomas, he contributes ideas for thomas to place in his videos, and most importantly, he ensures a successful life for thomas, no matter what.

erase me by ben folds five is easily one of the angstiest songs on the playlist. in the song, the singer is trying to sing about a breakup and how their ex treats the singer as worthless. if we want to envision this in logan’s perspective, the song would be talking about the fragile relationship logan has with the other sides. the song describes their home together as “Paper not stone” which implies that their relationship was shaky, was unstable, and it was no surprise for logan that they eventually left him. yea, it wasn’t logan who left, but it was the others. this is implied by the line “And when you pulled your half away”.

even if it is implied that the others left him first, the song still suggests that logan cares deeply about them. but even if he cares about the others, he questions his worth nonstop, evident in like… the whole song. the song is called “erase me”, so it’s no surprise that logan blames himself in this situation and would even think of himself as the problem. it’s clear in the song that logan still deeply cares about the others, and their opinions on him still affect him gravely. the last line “And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be? Nothing.” implies that logan highly considers what the others say towards him, and sometimes would treat it as fact. if the others think nothing of him then maybe, he is nothing. throughout the series, logan has been repeatedly insulted and made fun of and while he becomes defensive, the songs in this playlist show that he does listen to the others and their criticisms of him, and he wants to change himself because of it.

while logan ponders deeply about the insults said to him, the song shows us that the others don’t think much of it. the song actually implies they’ve replaced logan as if he were some utility and acted nothing of it. they don’t realize the emotional pain they’ve inflicted unto logan and he knows this. logan recognizes that they don’t consider his worth. additionally, the line “Go and call the cops now, baby” sort of implies that thomas is also in on this and has heard of what the others said about logan and is siding with the others.

not only does logan feel incredibly sad by this, it’s obvious that logan is also very angry. he’s angry that the others think of him as useless, he’s angry that the others think he’s replaceable, and while he does listen to their jabs at times, he similarly just wants to prove them wrong. while the line “Erase me” can depict him succumbing to their jeers, this could also be about logan thinking of a way that’ll make the others realize his worth. the lines “We know that you don’t seem to think about what you need ‘til you reach to find that you’ve erased me.” suggests that the others can only understand his worth if logan erases himself completely. while the others pushed him away, they haven’t really erased him completely, but they just simply avoided him. if logan actually is gone, or maybe if he… ducks out, the others might realize what big of a mistake they’ve committed.

(honestly, it also must be frustrating for logan that the only way he can prove his worth is to disappear from the others. is his efforts just not good enough for them?)

also, at this point of the playlist, it is quite evident that logan is not emotionless. he has emotions, but clearly… they aren’t positive ones. many of these songs already tell us of logan’s problems: he isn’t listened to enough, he’s been left behind, he’s frustrated with himself, he wants to appear cool to the others, etc. and what’s worse is that he’s dealing with all these problems alone. one of the reasons he probably is repressing his emotions besides wanting to be “perfect” for thomas is that he does not want to reveal how much negative emotions have flooded him because of the other sides. he doesn’t want the others to be hurt just like how they hurt him.

now, art is dead by bo burnham definitely speaks of logan’s thoughts on art, and how flawed he believes roman and thomas’s artistry is. logan would define art as something you can be passionate about with money never being a factor of how great you are performing. in logan’s opinion, roman’s way of creating art is flawed. he views roman’s passion as something fake. instead of being the artist roman thinks he is, logan thinks of him as someone merely egotistical and selfish, someone who’s immature and craves attention. and while this might be harsh on logan’s part, i also think logan recognizes that this egotistical side roman is showing is most likely fake. in the lines “It’s all an illusion / I’m wearing makeup”, and “My drug’s attention / I am an addict / But I get paid to indulge in my habit”, logan understands that perhaps, roman is hiding under a facade. moreover, logan recognizes the danger behind roman endlessly craving attention from others. logan understands that there is a negative side to roman’s need for attention because roman needs to understand that he is valid even without other people praising him; roman relying on attention to measure his value is only going to ruin himself and his self-esteem. while i think the song has many messages behind it (please god help me because i don’t know how to explain this song well), i think this song discusses how despite loathing roman at some times, he is trying his best to understand him. while some parts downright insult roman, some parts show that logan understands roman is hurting.

another interpretation i’ve got is this song shows logan’s views on thomas becoming an entertainer. he thinks that the career he has now is undignifying and embarrassing. logan expresses that people who are entertainers or artists have stopped creating art because of it being their passion; rather, logan thinks these people do it because it’s a cheap way to earn money quickly. in this way, logan feels like the career he has now is unsatisfying because it all feels like a cheat to him. in the song, they state the unfairness of how rich entertainers are despite being lazy compared to people who work in drugstores, aiming to help people the best they can 24/7 with low pay. another lyrics you can use to describe logan’s frustration with how unsatisfied he is with this lifestyle would be the line “Cause I wanted my name in lights / When I could have fed a family of four / For forty fucking fortnights / Forty fucking fortnights.”. but even if logan feels undignified, he succumbs to the fact that he’s trapped being this kind of artist, but it’s obvious he isn’t too happy about it.

equation by hans zimmer & camille is unexpectedly depressing. this song is most likely sung from the perspective of a child growing up, overwhelmed by how much they have to learn before they reach adulthood. this entire song depicts a child asking questions which are supposed to make them look “grownup” enough, hoping they are on the right path for a successful future. i think this song depicts the stress logan experienced when thomas was approaching adulthood because everyone practically depended on him for thomas to have a successful life. this acknowledges the only time logan has felt overwhelmed by the influx of knowledge he had to learn just so he can ensure thomas that everything will turn out okay. in the song, the singer asks a lot of questions that could be labelled as something “grownups” would do, which shows us that logan’s need to be professional all stemmed from him wanting to help thomas become successful in the future. but even if logan was able to plan for thomas’s future, there are some parts of the song that imply that logan longs for times he was a child again. it’s just… logan just grew up so fast, everyone relied on him at such a young age, and he never really enjoyed his childhood to the fullest. he wonders where his childhood went, and he patiently waits for the happiness he experiences as a child to come back again. then again, that happiness would never return, would it?

additionally, the lines “Have I made you cross? Have I made you sad? Have I made you proud, Mom?” imply that when logan was growing up, he was, most of the time, alone. he never really confided in others for any problems he had, and he preferred handling everything independently. nobody seemed to pay attention to him anyway, even if he really cares for the other sides. i know it’s been said before but logan really needs to gain more recognition for everything he’s done for thomas, and people really need to listen to him more.

while logan would never admit this now, i do think logan, as a child, was immensely overwhelmed by how much he thinks. just like remus, logan has an influx of thoughts and ideas going through his head, and when he didn’t understand it in the past, he probably wanted all of it to quiet down. his role as logic is tiring, and while logan understood this at a young age, i believe that growing up, he began to normalize this as it happens too frequently over the years, evident by how logan usually acts throughout the series. to this day, logan probably has many experiences where he feels exhausted or stressed, but he intentionally doesn’t tell the others about it because again, he thinks that being this stressed is a normal occurrence.

(this is probably why he doesn’t wanna open up with others in the series. while i think he is repressing emotions intentionally, i feel like sometimes, he just doesn’t admit he is stressed because he shrugs it off as a normal occurrence.)

sunrise from in the heights is one of the more unique songs in the playlist. yes yes i know, as a logince fan i am also screaming internally and externally but i do have a different explanation as to why logan placed this song in his playlist aside from him wanting to be closer to roman. this song displays a moment of someone learning, something logan is quite fond of. while the song displays an educational experience between two characters, it’s also very intimate. logan probably believes that to be able to achieve knowledge, you must disregard your feelings because it’ll only get in the way of learning. but this song shows that our emotions could be a motivator for us to learn. that’s what makes logan like this song. this song fascinates logan because in the song, benny, the guy who can’t speak spanish, is learning spanish because he loves nina, the girl teaching him spanish. it shows him that in learning, having feelings and emotions is completely valid, and it doesn’t restrict learning entirely.

another thing i’d like to note is that songs like this that show a fascination in learning probably motivate logan to learn more. he is merely fascinated when he sees people being amused by education and learning, hence why he might have a fondness for the song.

one more time with feeling by regina spektor is… sad. it talks about a patient recovering from their illness and coping with the sadness that comes with it. (tw: suicide/depression, please skip to the next bullet if you are triggered by this.) the illness being spoken about in the song would be depression and this shows us the aftermath of someone committing suicide. while i do not think logan would be depressed or suicidal, i do think the song is suggesting that logan is suffering something, and he thinks it’d be appropriate for himself to… erase himself. this is the second song in the playlist that implies logan would want to disappear because the others neglect him. the line “And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you’ve never known so much more than you’ve been shown” implies that the other sides will finally acknowledge logan if and only if he erases himself, duck out.

we can fully establish at this point that logan represses a lot of his emotions and the other sides know it too. the others, clearly evident in lntao, tries to help logan to stop repressing his emotions, but they aren’t really successful in teaching him. i think it’s mostly because the sides are being sympathetic rather than empathetic, and the sides think that their way of accepting their emotions would be a helpful way for logan to understand his emotions too. but the thing they don’t realize is that maybe, logan isn’t like them, and he can’t use the same ways they use because frankly, it doesn’t work. now, where in the song does this get implied? The lines “You thought by now you’d be so much better than you are / You thought by now they’d see that you had come so far.” suggests that logan did consider the advice of the other sides at some point. he tried to accept his emotions like the others said, he really thought that he might be able to get over his issues. but the wording of the song is really interesting because it says “You thought--” as if the person thought it would work, but it didn’t. additionally, the chorus at the end could be thought of as the advice logan is receiving from the other sides. but the lyrics “Hold on / One more time with feeling / Try it again, breathing’s just a rhythm” implies that the advice he’s getting isn’t working for him. it didn’t work for him, but he’s trying again because he doesn’t doubt the other sides, and if that doesn’t work, he’s trying again. then, the lyrics say, “Say it in your mind, until you know that the words are right.” which is a much more cynical line because they’re implying that if their advice doesn’t work, then logan just needs to try harder until it’s ingrained in his brain. the last line, “This is why we fight” could have a double meaning. one might think this is about fighting your inner demons to eventually overcome them. but this could also mean that the advice logan is receiving from the others isn’t working, and the fact that they push their advice so much unto him would be the reason why the sides and logan fight. in this sense, the lyric could mean “This, the uneffective advice I receive from you, is the reason why you (the others) and I (Logan) fight.”. to cut this short, the other sides need to be more empathetic in trying to understand logan’s issues because so far, all they’ve been doing is make assumptions for logan’s problems and offer solutions that might only work for themselves. for them to be able to help logan, they must put themselves in his shoes and understand logan better, or else they might just end up damaging him.

now, i do have a less depressing interpretation of this song which completely contradicts the last bullet point but i wanted to mention it because it made sense to me. while i did imply that the chorus could have some malicious intent behind it, we can also look at it in a positive light. this song in the playlist is the only one where we see logan possibly getting comforted by the other sides, and that would make sense seeing that the songs after this one would be about logan accepting himself for who he is. so, if we think of this song as the sides finally reaching out for logan, we can assume that at some point in the series, logan will reveal every problem he has to the other sides. at this point, instead of neglecting him, the sides are showing him love that he’s never seen before because they finally understand logan. sadly, their love and comfort would only be given only if they realize how bad logan is hurting, but at least he’s finally receiving the love that he desperately wanted.

in my mind by amanda palmer speaks of a topic similar to the songs medicine and fitter, happier because it sings about perfection. at this point, we can safely assume that logan is obsessed with precision and perfection, and he has aimed to be perfect for thomas for a very long time. problem is, he doesn’t realize how much he’s beating himself up from trying to achieve his perfect self. however, this song is the first one in the playlist which shows logan accepting that he can’t be perfect, and the person he is now is good enough for him and for the others. yes, medicine implies logan understands he cannot be perfect, but the song didn’t really give us that sense of resolution like this song does. i also think this song perfectly resembles how logan’s arc is going to look like. the song is split into four verses and each verse shows us the different stages of how sometimes, we want to be the perfect version of ourselves, but in the end, we realize we’re good enough for ourselves and for others.

anyway, focusing on the song, the first verse discusses logan’s high expectations for himself. the line “In a future five years from now / I’m a hundred and twenty pounds / And I never get hung over / Because I will be the picture of discipline” definitely shows it. he’s restricting himself because, implied by the lines “Never minding what state I’m in / And I will be someone I admire”, he isn’t satisfied with the person he is at the present. To further add to this, the line “And it’s funny how I imagined / That I would be that person now” explains that at some point, logan thought he was smart enough, he once thought he was “perfect”, but he realized that he wasn’t. he thought that he was enough, but no, something made him realized that he still had many flaws (cough algorhythm cough). the line “Maybe I’ve forgotten how to see / That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be” shows him realizing that he wants to be better, he wants to improve himself. logan definitely has his own insecurities about his worth which makes him want to push himself more.

verse two has the same implications as the first verse but i do believe it is showing the negative effects of wanting to be perfect more. this shows us logan getting used to controlling himself to strictly do things that he can only label as something that’ll help himself improve. this time, it’s stricter with the line “Because I will be the picture of discipline / Never fucking up anything” and it depicts how simple mistakes he commits would make him feel miserable. (cough this means the infinitesimal mistake probably pained him so much cough cough)

verse three shows us logan realizing that the perfect version he aims to be is actually… not so perfect. the lines “I’m so busy with everything / That I don’t look at anything” is logan getting a realization that he hates this. he hates aiming to be perfect, he hates how restricting himself, and this “perfect version” he aims to be is just bullshit. the lines “And it’s funny how I imagined / That I could be that person now / But that’s not what I wanted / If that’s what I wanted / Then I’d be giving up somehow / How strange to see / That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be” suggest that logan realized that doing all this, aiming to be perfect, is hurting him. he didn’t want to be perfect. i also think that these lines show us that logan is finally prioritizing himself above all things because, evident in the songs before this, he always aimed to be perfect for others. he always saw himself as faulty and he always intended to fix himself. but this verse shows us that he realizes that he isn’t faulty, he isn’t a mistake, he isn’t someone who needs to improve. he realizes he’s in hurting and he gives in to it, realizing he just needs to give himself time to accept himself for who he is because again, he is enough.

the last verse has logan acknowledging that the “perfect version” he aims to accomplish is downright impossible. the lines “And maybe it’s funniest of all / To think I’ll die before I actually see / That I am exactly the person that I want to be.” shows logan finally acknowledging his self-worth. he finally admits he’s good enough, and laughs at his past self trying so hard to be perfect. he’s okay. he understands he’s good enough. (also i am very proud of him, you don’t understand how my heart is exploding rn)

not perfect by tim minchin has kind of the same message as the previous song. it’s quite heartwarming that at this point, logan’s starting to accept himself and he’s not afraid to say he isn’t perfect. in this song, the singer expresses the many things he holds dear in his life, and while he acknowledges that there are some flaws to everything, he still thinks of them fondly, telling us that no matter how un-perfect it is, it’s enough for him. there’s a repeated line of “It’s not perfect, but it’s mine” and it’s easy to say that logan is not only referring to himself, but he’s referring to the family he has as well. he’s been so hard on himself that whenever he sees a flaw in something, he immediately think it’s faulty. but here, he’s acknowledging that flaws are something normal, something okay to have, and instead of turning away from himself or the others, he begins to love himself and his family.

i think the most important verses would be the verses which sing about his body and his brain. it’s all gonna be repetitive, i know, but the lines “I spend so much time hating it [my body] but it never says a bad word about me” and “[This is my brain] where all my fucked up thoughts can hide / ‘Cause god forbid I hurt somebody” really emphasize how much logan struggled before he began to accept himself. while the first line suggests he struggled a lot with how he thinks of himself, the second speaks of how much thoughts he repressed because he wanted to be better for others. while i don’t think the thoughts are really “fucked up” like the lyric suggests, i think this mostly talks about his negative emotions and how he wanted to hide it from the others. but at the end, again, he eventually stops repressing his emotions and allows himself to let them out because it’s perfectly valid.

human by tank and the bangas has almost the same message as the previous two songs. what’s interesting is that logan uses knowledge and different facts to motivate himself to love himself. throughout the song, it tells us facts about our bodies which logan would definitely be fascinated by, and it’s soft to think that he values himself because he treasures the fact that we exist. we are made this way for a reason, everything in his body has been meticulously crafted to serve different purposes, and logan finds it amazing. not only does he use this to help motivate himself, but he uses this to love the other sides as well. in this song, it is implied that there has been a relationship that has gone wrong, and we can think of it as the friendship between logan and the others. while the relationship between logan and the others has been wonky, they will eventually make amends and be close again; logan just needs time to understand himself, to love himself, and when logan is finally okay, he and the other sides and start over.

what i love about this song is not only is logan accepting himself but he is complimenting himself. while the last two songs are about him saying he’s enough, this song actually shows us that logan is starting to admire himself. he says he’s incredible and valuable, tougher than any superhero, and if that ain’t character development, i don’t know what is

one last interesting bit is that these last three songs imply that logan honestly needs a break from everything. all this acceptance and loving yourself can only be achieved if logan takes a break from working. i think this implies logan will eventually isolate himself from the others in the series just for a few moments, just so he can finally help himself, and he can only reconnect with the others if and only if he takes care of himself first.

time adventure from adventure time acknowledges eternalism wherein time is all an illusion and that there is no past or future, just the present tense. everything is currently set in the present, and whatever happened, happens, or is happening will exist forever because everything is set in the same time period which is the present. i think this song suggests that logan has already reconciled with himself and the others again and currently, he is happy with it. he uses this eternalism to emphasize how he treasures this moment of happiness so much. in this way, he can say that this happiness that he is experiencing right now will exist forever because it exists now. there’s not much more to say here than logan is finally happy, the others are happy with him, and he wants this moment of joy to happen forever.

now that that’s over, i’m going to summarize my analysis of each song in the following bullet points so it can be easier to understand:

the elements by tom lehrer: logan values education and always aims make anything easily understandable for thomas.

white & nerdy by “weird al” yankovic: logan, while he is a nerd, also wants to appear as cool to fit in with the others.

algorhythm by childish gambino: logan feels like he’s being alienated by the group because he thinks differently from them, despite being correct.

fitter happier by radiohead: logan has high expectations for himself to be perfect but this also makes him feel trapped.

medicine by STRFKR: logan realizes being perfect means he might become lazy, and this first showcases logan questioning if aiming to be perfect is a valid thing to do.

the breach by clipping.: logan is portrayed as someone who keeps control of everything thomas’s mind. without him, everything will disrupt into chaos.

letter c by zach sherwin: logan overthinks a lot about the insults he receives and wishes he can produce better comebacks so others might think he’s cool.

galaxy song from monty python: logan is fascinated by astronomy, bringing him comfort.

streaks by ANIMA!: thomas’s life being put-together is all thanks to logan. logan really should deserve more credit for building the person thomas is today.

erase me by ben folds five: logan feeds like he’s being disregarded and the others don’t know they are hurting him. he thinks erasing himself might make the others realize his worth, even if he sometimes lacks self-love.

art is dead by bo burnham: logan feels undignified with thomas’s career as an entertainer and he thinks roman is immature. then again, this song implies he wants to further understand roman.

equation by hans zimmer and camille: logan was stressed a lot when thomas was approaching adulthood and he thinks his job as logic is incredibly tough, making him miss it when thomas was a child, free of any responsibilities.

sunrise from in the heights: logan is fascinated by the fact that emotions can be a motivator for learning, something he has never thought of before.

one more time with feeling by regina spektor: the others finally understand what logan’s worth is when logan disappears, but the advice they give to him aren’t exactly the best but hey, they’re trying to reconcile with each other.

in my mind by amanda palmer: logan accepts the fact he can’t be perfect and the person he is now is enough.

not perfect by tim minchin: logan begins to understand that the most un-perfect thinks could be the things he loves the most, and he begins to love himself more, thinking it’s enough.

human by tank and the bangas: logan finds comfort in facts as it makes him feel more empowered. these facts make him fascinated with himself, as well as find fascination in the other sides.

time adventure from adventure time: he finally reconciles with the others, reconciles with himself, and he wants the happiness he feels now to exist forever.

now, thomas mentioned in a tweet to listen to them in order. i do think the playlist is meant to foreshadow what’s to happen to logan’s arc. these are a few thoughts that i have that might occur in logan’s arc:

all of logan’s problems definitely stem from him wanting to be cool enough for the other sides. because he wants to be perceived as cool and the others don’t really think of him that way, he begins devaluing himself. this problem eventually evolves, and instead of wanting to be cool, logan wants to be absolutely flawless, and he is abusing himself because of it.

roman is definitely someone with a crucial role in logan’s arc. this playlist references roman more than the other sides and while i don’t know what his role is, i do think he is one of the main people who will help logan during his arc.

with songs like erase me and one more time with feeling, i have a very heavy feeling that logan will duck out or disappear. he did get the epiphany that the others will only see his worth if he is gone, and this might happen during his arc.

ONE LAST THING: thomas tweeted this:

it is suspicious to me that he says that this is only PART of the reason why. there is a bigger reason to why logan didn’t put crofters the musical on his playlist, and i can only think of two reasons why. one would be he didn’t want to hurt roman since it was evident that logan respects the other sides, especially roman. another is that he isn’t embarrassed by his singing per se, but he is embarrassed with himself. he was too immature, too incompetent, and because logan longs to be perfect, he might consider crofters the musical as a mistake he committed.

(also, if logan is ashamed of not putting crofters the musical and is hesitant to show us this playlist, does he mean he still is suffering now?)

anywho, conclusion: logan is sad, give him some love, and i hope he knows we love him for who he is. remember that my interpretation is my interpretation, not in any form fact, so if i’m wrong, i’m wrong, and that’s okay! again, feel free to add anything to this and have your own interpretations because i’d love to hear them!

#sanders sides #logan sanders #thomas sanders #my post

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calmlftv · 4 years

Text

en l’air. - c.h. oneshot

description: calum hood x dancer!reader. cal sees you dance and immediately becomes obsessed.

word count: 4.4k (i’m sorry jdfg)

warnings: none? some tension but nothing serious.

w/n: this was a requested piece! thank u to the anon who requested it ❤️ also, for your viewing pleasure, please enjoy this video of Youngblood choreography since it’s mentioned in the piece itself; full credit to Brinn Nicole Choreography for that! and thank u to everyone who had to listen to me talk about this for 24 hours (u know who u are), y’all are the real ones 🥺

taglist: @spicycal @castaway-cashton @irwinkitten @n-ctarinenga @notinthesameguey @blackbutterfliescal @ashtonsos @loveroflrh @bestyearssos @treatallwithkindness @bestyearslftv @another-lonely-heart

****

“Y/N!”

Jojo’s voice echoed through the room, all eyes turning to you as the choreographer lifted a finger and gestured for you to come over.

Once you were close enough, the winning smile on Jojo’s face was full of mischief. “You got this choreo down?” When you nodded she started to move, scooting past you towards the phone connected to the speaker system. “Then it’s your turn. Solo.”

You chuckled, getting into the starting position as Tim’s camera focused on you. A hush fell over the room as the air settled, giving Jojo a nod right before the music started.

And suddenly, you were transformed, the movements you had been practicing all day coming to life as the music swirled around you. You weren’t in LA anymore; you weren’t even sure if you were yourself. All you knew was the tempo and dynamics of the lyrics, the emotions of the song becoming your own as a story was told with each movement.

From a young age, it had been clear to your family that you were passionate about dancing. After expressing your disinterest in sports and academics, your parents were dumbstruck; they had genuinely thought you would like at least one of those things, considering your mother was the brains and your father was the stay-at-home-brauns. However, after one particular year of taking you to see a ballet, they quickly noticed the shine in your eyes as the dancers floated across the stage, beaming grins on their faces as they signed you up for dance classes the very next day.

Over the years, you learned everything you could from different genres of dance, your body becoming fluent in the languages as you grew up. You walked in eight counts, elegance trailing just behind you everywhere you went as you moved. It took everything within you to not dance down the hallways at school, practicing whatever routine was giving you a hard time as you went from class to class.

After graduating high school, your family moved to LA for better work opportunities; you quickly found a community of dancers you loved and fell in with them, moving into a house with some of them and attending all the workshops they did. When they all started getting big name jobs it didn’t bother you, instead pushing you forward until you were just as talented as they were.

Now, you were well known with the community. Choreographers like Jojo Gomez and Kyle Hanagami sought you out for their workshops, sometimes even asking you to learn choreo ahead of time to demonstrate to everyone at the shops. Tim Milligram quickly became a friend of yours as well, as he was almost always at the workshops, sparkling lenses capturing everything before he posted the edited videos on YouTube.

Where you were now was where you had dreamed of being as a child. It wasn’t worldwide fame like some people wanted, but it was more than enough for you. To some, you were a nobody, but to the ones that mattered, you were equivalent to the Queen of England, and that was everything for you.

As you finished the routine applause broke out around you, your friends all throwing hair ties and shoes at you to celebrate how well you had done. As you came down from the performance high, Jojo almost tackled you in a tight hug, laughter escaping both of you as you caught yourself before you stumbled back.

“Jesus,” Jojo breathed, pulling back and cupping your face in her hands. “How have you not started teaching these things yourself?”

You beamed, Jojo’s arm moving around your shoulder as she guided you away. She called the next dancer up and grabbed her phone again as you sat down with your friends, eyes trained on the dancer as you took in every move.

At the end of the workshop you gathered up all your things and walked out with your friends, the nearest diner calling your names as you all laughed and joked around. Your usual routine for this eventually brought you all back to your home, each of you taking turns showering and settling in for the rest of the night.

***

The tour bus bumped over another pothole, the uneven cement rattling Calum awake for the upteenth time that evening. He sighed and dragged his hand down his face, officially giving up on any amount of sleep as he turned to his back.

His hand landed on his phone and lifted it to his face.

1:47 a.m.

He held in a groan as he grabbed his AirPods, slipping them into his ears and drowning out the sounds of the bus as it moved. He left his phone plugged in and opened his YouTube app, hoping that maybe some of the channels he was subscribed to had uploaded new videos he could binge until they reached their destination. However, in his sleepy state, he tapped the wrong video, a beat starting over his headphones as his brow furrowed in confusion.

Calum was about to exit the video when he saw the dancers, eyes captivated by their movements as the first group faded in. His mouth dropped open at some of the talent he was seeing, eyes locked on one dancer in particular during a solo performance.

It was obvious to Calum this dancer had invested in the music, the way they moved bringing emotions out of the man as he focused intently on their body. Now invested in watching more of these videos, he let this one play out, letting YouTube autoplay to the next one as he kept his phone close to his face.

Hours passed with Calum trying to find more videos with this dancer in it, finally finding one that he watched a second time. This time, they were in heels, the sweet sounds of Niall Horan’s Slow Hands playing against his eardrums as they moved so elegantly.

Lucky for him, his video finally had the Instagram handle for this dancer he was now obsessed with, the man immediately switching apps and bringing up their profile.

They were genuinely stunning in the photos they would post, his thumbs slowly scrolling through most of the photos on their profile before he finally gave them a follow. He knew some fans would see that and make assumptions, but he didn’t care; he wanted to see more of this person and their talents, wanted to consume all forms of media they were on just to see them move.

“Calum.”

The man jumped at the sound of Luke’s voice, pulling out an AirPod as he tugged the curtain to his bunk aside. The tall blonde was leaning over and yawning, running a hand through his hair.

“We’re stopping, mate,” he said, Calum now hearing the sounds of Michael and Ashton shifting in their beds. “Need anything, better get it now.”

Cal nodded, climbing out of his bunk and giving a big stretch before pulling on some sweatpants. He climbed out of the bus and found Michael waiting for him, the usual routine whenever they made a stop.

“Hey, Mike,” Cal said, nudging his best friend as he unlocked his phone and showed him the Instagram page he still had open.

His best friend took his phone and raised an eyebrow as he scrolled down the page, opening some of the photos and giving them a look before he handed the device back. “They’re cute. You followed them?”

Calum nodded as Michael grinned, giving him a nudge with his elbow. “Trying to make a move, pal? Get yourself a little someone?”

Calum chuckled, shaking his head as he nudged Michael back. “I don’t think so, Mike, just think they’re talented. Wanna keep up with that.”

Michael nodded and wiggled his eyebrows, making Calum shove him playfully as he broke into a laugh.

“What’s goin’ on up there?” Ashton called from behind them as Luke trailed behind him. Michael turned around, walking backwards as he spoke.

“Cal’s got a crush on a dancer!” he yelled back, making Calum groan.

“It’s not a crush!”

“Whatever you say, mate!”

***

“Jade,” you called, your phone shifting slightly in its place. “What do you want for dinner?”

Your Instagram live audience immediately started to chime in with suggestions as you picked up your phone, holding it out in front of you as you read the suggestions.

Your best friend came out of her room and followed you, half of her now in view of the audience as you moved into the kitchen. “Someone’s suggested we order out instead of making something, but where’s the fun in that?”

Jade chuckled as she started rummaging through the cabinets, taking in everything they had before she turned around and looked at you. “That might be a good idea,” she said, gesturing to the nearly empty cabinets.

“Oh shit,” you sighed, putting a hand on your hip. “You’re right. Take out it is!”

Jade chuckled as she picked up her phone, already dialing your favorite place and putting in an order for the two of you as you made faces at your audience.

It was a quiet night and you had been bored, the Instagram live feature staring you in the eyes as you finally decided to just do it. You had taken the time beforehand to look cute but comfy, hoping the cute man that had followed you a few months ago now would join.

The notification had confused you. You weren’t sure who Calum Hood was at first, noticing the blue check next to his name as you did your investigation into his Instagram profile. After a quick Google search, however, you quickly learned everything you needed to know about him; his band had written one of your favorite dance songs and a few others you had put on your driving playlist that you vibed with the most.

So, that mixed with how attractive you found him to be, you obviously had to follow him back.

He didn’t post much and you were fine with that, always knowing when he was online by the comments he would leave when you posted a new photo or video. It was normally a cheeky comment followed by a set of emojis, something that always brought a light blush to your cheeks and giggles from your friends.

Whenever he posted, you always did the same, both of you liking and commenting on photos relentlessly. You kept up with his band through his stories, even popping in on the livestream on release day just to see him dancing with his dog.

He was absolutely adorable, and while you wanted to reach out and say hi in private, you knew he probably wouldn’t even see it; besides, he’s a rockstar and you’re a dancer. Talk about being worlds away, right?

Right?

Suddenly, you snapped back to reality, a name appearing in the stream of comments that made your heart skip. You quickly grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down the news, being careful to hide it from the camera as you slid it across the counter to Jade.

He’s in the live, and said I look cute.

She picked up the note and raised an eyebrow out of view of the camera, a devilish grin on her lips as she immediately opened her phone.

“What are you doing?” You asked her, standing up straight as soft music started playing over the speakers in your living area.

Jade grabbed your hand and your livestream, dragging you both into the room. “I want to teach you and your livestream a new choreo I’m working on. Maybe you can even help me make it better.”

You scoffed at that, knowing her undeniable talent as she set everything up. The song was Youngblood, the smooth notes practically fogging up the windows on their own as you started to learn.

With a quick break for food once it arrived, you and Jade taught your livestream how to dance, laughter and music taking over both of you until you finally ended your live.

You were covered in sweat, the soft sheen of it against the lights in your home obviously as your chest heaved.

“Did you really need help with that choreo?” You asked Jade, your friend sprawled out in a starfish against the floors.

She flashed you a smile. “Absolutely not,” she stated, sitting up. “But lover boy was watching, and he needs to know you have sex appeal.”

You coughed, choking on a bit of spit at her words. “Jade!” You said, your best friend cackling as she scrambled up to her feet.

“Love you!” She said as you chased her away, the woman dipping into her room and locking the door behind her.

You groaned, blushing deeply as you hid yourself away in your room.

***

Tour life had become routine for Calum, as it always does, but the nights off always left him a bit bored. Being in strange cities left him without much to do this close to the end of tour, but he thoroughly enjoyed opening your livestream and watching you laugh.

Michael must have been a psychic, cause what started as an appreciation for your talents has become much more than that. When you laughed he felt himself smiling, his eyes crinkling as they do whenever he got to hear you speak. He was crushing hard, his post notifications on for the dancer he had fallen for over the months as he kept himself busy with his passion and job.

When he saw the notification of your livestream he immediately jumped in, joining and smiling immediately as he saw your face fill his phone screen.

You were smiling at your friend, resting your cheek against your hand as you leaned on what looked like a kitchen counter. You were looking absolutely adorable, the smile on Calum’s face hardly fading as he gained the confidence to send a comment.

He saw your eyes light up as you looked at your screen, the expression on your face making his heart skip while his own eyes traced the shape of your face. You scribbled something down and passed it to your friend, the two of you then shifting to the living area where the phone was set up to expose the extra space around you.

His eyes stayed locked on your body as you moved, fluidity and grace in each step as you were taught a new dance. The tones of the music brought out in your dancing brought a slight blush to his cheeks as you put the whole thing together. The dance itself was sultry, but when you moved to it, the tempo took on a whole new heartbeat, and suddenly the song was so much better in Calum’s mind.

It felt like it was too soon when you finished, bowing to your friend as she grinned wildly. Calum’s palms were a little bit sweaty as he watched you move closer to the camera, the live ending soon after as you moved on with your life.

The images of you moving still floated through Calum’s mind, his memory fixated on it as he finally opened up his Instagram DM’s.

Your username popped up immediately when he started a new conversation, his first message being typed out effortlessly by his thumbs.

Saw your live tonight, he typed. Thanks for dancing to our song.

It was simple enough, he thought, but hoped you wouldn’t think it was too simple; nerves danced along his muscles as he pressed send, his words to you now being sent through a series of ones and zeros as he quickly locked his phone and pushed it away. Now that he had made the move he was terrified of your response, the man trying to distract himself as he climbed out of his bunk and hunted down Michael.

His best friend was sitting on the bus couch, scrolling through whatever social media platform as Cal plopped down beside him.

“You talk to that dancer yet?” Michael asked immediately, hardly glancing up from his phone as Calum chuckled.

“You need to stop reading my mind,” he scolded gently. “Yeah, I, uh, just messaged them actually. They danced to Youngblood on a livestream.”

Michael looked at Calum and wiggled his eyebrows. “And judging by the blush on your face I’d say it was a good performance.”

Calum’s blush only deepened as Michael laughed, a light ping of Cal’s phone interrupting their conversation.

Michael stood and grabbed the phone as Calum froze in place, placing it on the couch beside his best friend before he sat down again.

“Answer it.”

“But-”

“Calum Thomas, you answer that lovely person right this second or I’ll do it for you.”

The magic words made Calum open his phone, knowing if Michael had to answer the message he would never be able to show his face around you. Nervous butterflies exploded in his stomach as he opened your response, Michael reading over his shoulder.

Well hello, handsome. Thanks for writing such a good song, hahaha. It’s one of my favorites!

“Well, mate,” Michael said, grinning as he slapped Calum on the back. “Looks like you can handle it.”

***

Your new video was incredible, how long did that take? You’re amazing!

Calum’s newest message to you made you smile, sweat making your hair cling to your forehead as you typed out a quick response.

Thanks, I had quite a good muse for that one ;)

Oh really? Must be a lucky muse if they inspire something so beautiful.

A heavy blush landed on your cheeks as you typed back a response, the click of someone’s fingers gaining your attention as you hit send.

“I know that’s not a phone out,” Kyle scolded gently, a sheepish smile pulling on your lips.

“Sorry Kyle, I’m putting it away now,” you promised, thumbs typing a quick message to Calum before burying the device deep within your bag.

It’s been about a month or two since Calum first messaged you, the banter and flirting starting immediately as you both finally got to have the private conversations you had been dreaming of. At times it would inch away from the innocent compliments and small talk to something sexier, but you both kept yourselves as appropriate as possible - sometimes.

Now, as Kyle reeled you back in to finish teaching the new choreo he had worked on, your mind wandered to Calum’s real thoughts about your IGTV video you had posted hours before.

Hearing Wildflower for the first time had sent you directly to the empty dance studio your parents had built you at their place, your feet and body taking almost no time to settle in as you started hammering out a choreo to Calum’s melody. You had been up all night doing it, barely making it to Kyle’s class on time as notifications from Instagram started pouring in, praises about your technique and song choice washing over you.

However, something tugged within you when you saw Calum’s message. It was different coming from him for some reason, and it filled you with a mix of excitement and pleasure; it was a weird mix for you, something you hadn’t ever truly felt before, but you hesitantly welcomed it with open arms.

The class passed by slower than you wanted, each time you ran through the choreography only taking up the smallest bit of time as you anxiously waited for the clock to strike 4 so you can open your messages again and talk to him.

Finally, your magical moment arrived when you could pack up and leave, Kyle giving you a big hug and saying his thanks before you started to hurry out the door.

“Hey!” Kyle called after you, making you pause in the doorway and spin around. He had a grin on his face. “Hope this guy is a good one.”

You beamed and laughed. “I think he is. Thanks, Kyle.”

He smiled and waved as you turned around again and bolted to your car, locking the doors as soon as they had shut as you opened up your messages from Calum.

He had sent a cheeky reply to your message earlier, followed by a video sent to you. With captured breath you tapped on the message, the video unfolding before you.

It was focused on his feet as he walked over shiny white tile, the camera panning up to expose the interior of LAX - or that’s what the location filter said, at least. You felt a grin crack open your face as you quickly realized what this meant.

Calum was home from tour.

Your thumbs started to type faster than you thought they could.

You’re home!

Almost immediately, the little bubble appeared.

Home, and ready to see you if you’re up for it.

Butterflies exploded in your stomach as you typed an affirmative message, both of you quickly setting up a time and place before you drove back to your home.

“Jade!” You yelled as you stepped inside, dropping your bag at the door while you quickly slipped off your shoes.

Your friend's head poked out from around a corner as you started shedding clothes, her hand immediately flying to cover her eyes as she yelped. “Whoa, where’s the fire?! Why are you undressing in the middle of the house?”

“I have a date.” You stated, stopping just outside of your door as you turned to face her. “With Calum. And I need you to pick my outfit while I shower!”

Jade uncovered her eyes and beamed, immediately following you into your room while you ducked into your private bathroom. While you had your shower, Jade was yelling questions to you, the two of you plotting and planning until you finally stepped out and pulled on the clothes she had decided on.

Your light blue jeans and white crop top were the perfect amount of casual, a light sprinkle of shiny jewelry being thrown in until Jade gave you the approval. When you checked the time on your phone, you nodded, standing and thanking her profusely as you finally went out the door and into your car again.

By now, the sunshine of LA was changing colors, shedding the harsh tone of the day for the warmth of dusk that was soon to come. The coffee shop Calum had chosen was perfect, too, the dwindling sunlight being perfect as you sat in a chair just outside the shop.

You anxiously looked around while you waited, playing with some of the rings around your fingers as you waited patiently for your date to arrive. Is this really even a date? You thought, suddenly panicking about how you looked. What if this is just a casual-

“This seat taken?”

His voice took you by surprise, your eyes trailing upwards to meet the warm, smiling brown ones of Calum Hood.

You smiled a little bit, leaning your elbows on the table. “Well I was saving it for a cute boy,” you teased. “But I guess you can sit as well.”

Calum gave you a look of mock hurt. “Ouch, right in the ego,” he teased back, slowly reaching across the table to take your hand. “Nice to finally meet you in person.”

He spoke as he lifted your hand to his lips, pressing a sweet and seductive kiss to your knuckles as his gaze held you captive. You blushed deeply, smiling in an attempt to cover it.

“And the same for you,” you said softly, smiling as he held on to your hand.

The two of you sat there and chatted as the sun set around you, the cool of the evening wrapping around you as you got lost in Calum’s words. Conversation came easily with him, both of you feeling like you had already known each other for so much longer than reality; something with the two of you just worked, and you loved being able to lose track of time with him.

Honestly, it was far too easy for you to lose yourself in his very being, but you decided not to focus entirely on that.

When the quiet and kind barista came out to put up the tables and chairs, you apologized profusely, Calum chuckling as he stood up. You quickly followed after him, the two of you apologizing again before starting to walk away, Calum’s hand slipping easily around your own while you blushed.

The two of you slowly walked back to your cars together, a comfortable silence settling in as you made your way to your cars. He walked you right up to your drivers side door, the man smiling sheepishly as he looked at you.

“Thanks for being willing to meet with me,” he said sweetly, bringing your joined hands up to his chest. He held them there, right next to his heart, which you could feel beating against your knuckles. “I’m glad you didn’t think I was a serial killer or something.”

You laughed, shaking your head. “And I’m glad you didn’t think I was a catfish,” you joked, Calum smiling and laughing.

When you both settled down again your gazes met, another blush coating your cheeks as he leaned down. His lips connected with your cheek quickly, the man standing up straight again as he released your hand.

While you were sad that he let you go, you knew it was time for you to go home; it was getting late, and you had a workshop to be at in the morning, your mind still racing as you dug out your keys and unlocked your car.

Calum pulled the door open for you, letting you slide in as he leaned against the top of the door.

“Will we be able to see each other again?” He asked softly, his chin resting on his arm as he draped it over the door.

You thought for a second, making a bit of a face. “I guess so, but I’ll have to have my people call your people.”

Calum grinned, chuckling at your teasing. “Well my people will be anxiously awaiting your people.” He took a second after he finished speaking, getting a serious look on his face as he looked at you. “I’d like to see you again, though. Maybe for dinner?”

You smiled, reaching up to take his hand. “I would love that,” you said, giving his fingers a squeeze as he brought them to his lips again.

He smiled and let you settle in, carefully closing the door for you before he stepped back a bit. He watched you go, making sure you were able to pull onto the roads okay before he got into his own vehicle.

Once Calum’s driver seat door had closed, he pulled out his phone, immediately pulling up the group text with his bandmates.

Guys, he typed. I’m so fucked.

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #calum hood #calum hood oneshot #5sos oneshot #5sos fanfiction #blurbs.ch #i'm back babey!

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halseyhazzard · 3 years

Text

The Redemption of Judee Sill

Halsey Hazzard, fall 2018

for a writing class on pop culture criticism “So much sensationalist bullshit has been written about Judee Sill (by people who never knew her) focusing on her days as a hooker and a junkie.” So begins Pat Thomas’s interview with Tommy Peltier, a longtime friend and collaborator of Sill’s, in the liner notes to the recently and lovingly compiled “Songs of Rapture and Redemption: Rarities & Live.” He’s not wrong; in nearly all of the writing on Sill, her music, an inimitable blend of gospel, folk and country at once bluesy and baroque, plays second fiddle to the stranger- and sadder-than-fiction story of her all-too-brief life. Her eponymous 1971 debut and 1973’s Heart Food were met with praise from critics and her fellow songwriters alike; in 1973 Steve Holden called Judee a “most gifted artist, one who continues to promise almost more than I dare hope for.” Unfortunately — for Sill and for those who loved her, and for those of us who love her music — much of that promise never came to pass. She died in obscurity in 1979, leaving behind an unfinished third record and quietly ascending to the pantheon of young, brilliant musicians who died too soon.

It’s hard to write about Sill without relying on sensationalist bullshit. I suppose in writing this at all I’m contributing to the problem, but like so many others, I have joined the ranks of Sill’s devoted disciples, compelled to tell and retell her story to rectify fate’s perceived cruel disservice to a great talent. What emerges is not always a faithful portrait of the complicated artist Sill was, but rather a shifting and sometimes contradictory fable that cements Sill’s status as a legend — not, as she might have hoped, as “an extremely famous or notorious person,” but rather as the subject of a “story sometimes popularly regarded as historical but unauthenticated.”

The story goes something like this: Judee Sill was born Judith Lynne Sill to an average, unhappy middle class household in Los Angeles in 1944. She fell in with a rough crowd, got married, committed a series of crimes, got addicted to various drugs, went to jail, got married again. Eventually she cleaned up her act, put the gospel licks she’d learned in reform school to good use, and became the first act signed to David Geffen’s Asylum label. She put out two albums of intricate songs that married earthly desire and longing for heavenly salvation, populated with lonely cowboy types and vigilantes that sometimes seemed strikingly similar to Jesus. For a few shining years it seemed like Sill had made it. It soon became clear (the story goes) that fame was not what fate had in store for her. Until 2003, when Rhino issued Judee Sill and Heart Food on CDs for the first time as part of its Handmade series, Sill was “[u]nlamented and all but forgotten.” These are the words of Barney Hoskyns, who in a 2004 Guardian profile declared “[t]he tragic Judee Sill is well overdue for (re)discovery.” Since then, interest in Sill’s life and music has steadily increased thanks to a series of posthumous reissues and releases: 2005’s “Dreams Come True,” a two-disk set of unreleased recordings mixed by Jim O’Rourke (Sonic Youth, Wilco); Live in London: The BBC Recordings 1972-1973, released in 2007; and “Chariot of Astral Light,” an intimate collaboration with aforementioned Tommy Peltier recorded in the ‘70s and finally released in 2004.

In a review of the 2004 Intervention reissue of Judee Sill titled “The Judee Sill Cult Continues, This Time at 45RPM,” Michael Fremer of Analogplanet writes, “sometimes "legends" are created and nurtured simply by tragic circumstances. In Judee Sill's case add wasted talent and unfulfilled great promise that add up to a movie worthy story.” Sill’s life has yet to inspire a movie (although a seemingly-deserted IMDB page indicates at least one attempt at a documentary), but songwriter Laura Veirs’ “Song for Judee,” renders the Judee Sill legend in sparse yet cinematic detail. In it, Veirs’ voice echoes on top of warm, jangling guitars, the apparently upbeat melody betrayed by the sadness of the story it tells:

“You wrote “The Kiss” and it is beautiful

I can listen again and again

You never really got a break

From the car wrecks and the pain”

The crux of the Judee Sill legend is captured in these lines, which immediately identify Sill’s work with the tragic events of her life. Sill’s music is mentioned in Veir’s lyric but once, and only glancingly; it’s not even clear “The Kiss” is a song, or “Judee” a songwriter. Veirs’ appreciation for her music is given is as pretext for why the listener should care about Sill’s life, but it’s clear the main attraction here is tragedy. The rest of this atypical ode is not praise, but a retelling, addressed to Sill herself, of key moments in the legend of her life. What emerges is a tellingly concise fable that identifies Sill with the lonely phantom cowboys who populate her lyrical landscape.

Veirs appears to have lifted her narrative and several phrases from the BBC documentary. She mines in particular the commentary from Peltier, who says Sill was his best friend and shares the insights that would come to compose Veirs’ chorus: “You loved the Sons of the Pioneers and the Hollywood cowboy stars/you were just trying to put a hand to where we are.” She also borrows, nearly word-for-word, an introduction Judee gave during one of her London radio performances in 1972, describing her time “living in a ‘55 Cadillac, five people sleeping in shifts.” This almost creates an intimacy with Sill, whom Veirs had never met; however, there remains an insurmountable distance. Sill had been dead 35 years — as long as she was alive — by the time this ode was composed. While Veirs hints at Sill’s troubles in the first verse, only in the last verse does she make explicit what happened: “They found you with a needle in your arm, beloved books strewn ‘round at your feet”. The revelation gives the chorus retroactive prophetic relevance. The past tense, once wistful, is now crushing.

Her death, like her life, became part of the legend. There are general points of agreement: she had been in several car accidents, was using heroin again, and died of an overdose just after Thanksgiving 1979. Everything else is less clear. Though her death certificate reports she was found dead in her house in North Hollywood, a persistent rumor suggested she had disappeared to Mexico to live out her final days. Her death was reported as a suicide, but family members and friends maintain that the note found near her, a characteristic musing on death and redemption, was an idea for a song.

The title of a 2014 BBC Radio documentary by Ruth Barnes says it all: “The Lost Genius of Judee Sill.” Sill’s genius is preceded by its lostness. Sill herself comes last. Her music is mentioned too, of course. They quote Sill’s self-description of her work as “country-cult-baroque” and her professed influences, Bach and Pythagoras. (In some versions of the quote, Ray Charles is thrown in.) Yet every time, it seems, someone brings up that she wrote “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” about JD Souther, that Graham Nash produced it. She was the inaugural artist on David Geffen’s Asylum, we’re told, .She opened for Crosby Stills and Nash, and Cat Stevens, and Gordon Lightfoot — and so on. These revelations are usually accompanied by astonishment at the fact that she failed to find the commercial success of her peers, despite her comparable — perhaps superior — talents.

Many have offered explanations about how this happened. There is a general consensus that her falling-out with Geffen played a role. It’s not exactly clear what happened. The word “faggot” was involved, but whether it was said live or on the radio, in reference to Geffen himself or a pair of his pink shoes, is up for debate. Whatever she said severed their relationship. Some contend that she may have been in love with him, and was hurt when he spurned her advances. Others point out that she was growing frustrated with what she saw as his lack of promotion for her music. By this point, she was already making no secret of her disdain for the “snotty rock bands” she had to open for, and I doubt this did her any favors.

The contradictions in people’s stories exacerbate the larger-than-life quality of her life and times, as do the many cliches used to tell her story. Headlines variously declare her “a star that fame forgot,” “L.A.’s doomed lady of the canyon who lost her genius to drugs,” a “mystic” who “walked among us.” The human Judee Sill is lost somewhere beneath this sensationalism. It is no wonder why her friends and family members, Tommy Peltier chief among them, feel so compelled to set the record straight by providing their version of events. In his remarks in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption,” Peltier is quick to discourage speculation about her drug use and past prostitution, declaring instead “She was just the most beautiful person.”

“Beautiful,” you may recall, was the only word Laura Veirs could come up with to describe “The Kiss.” When I first heard “The Kiss,” I was immediately struck by how inadequate the word was to describe what I was hearing. The song showcases the best of her efforts to induce mathematically precise intervals into intricate melodies that aren’t so much heard as felt. Her lyrics, confusing the sacred and profane, ride the thin ridge between love and logic, devotion and desperation. Over shifting and plaintive piano Sill sings a eulogy to stars bursting in the sky and begs a lover — god? — to come and hold her ��while you show me how to fly.” I first heard “The Kiss” in a YouTube video, one of few that survives of her performing, whose introduction insists that she herself was determined to be a successful musician. Ironically, the video shows precisely why perhaps she couldn’t be: severe and guileless, Sill hunches over the piano as if it were all that exists, engrossed in the song’s intense and uncommercial emotional intensity.

Sill’s idiosyncrasies are on full display in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption”, a compilation whose greatest strength is its commitment to capturing the artist and all her contradictions in her own words. The sleeve features a candid photograph of a smiling Sill, alongside several of her paintings and drawings. The tracks included are a combination of live recordings, demos, and studio outtakes that lay bare the deceptive complexity of her compositions. In the Boston Music Hall performance that opens the record, Sill, armed only with an acoustic guitar, tells the audience “I’m going to sing you a few little songs before David [Crosby] and Graham [Nash] get here. I’d like to sing you this song called “The Vigilante”. It’s new, I hope I remember the words.” The self-effacing introduction notwithstanding, what follows is nothing short of revelatory.

An early highlight is “Enchanted Sky Machines,” a bluesy number about waiting for the end of the world where she trades her distinctive fingerpicking for pentecostal piano licks she picked up in reform school. There is an aching earnestness to the way she sings of swallowing her yearning, and it carries over into “The Archetypal Man,” which begins with Sill singing the song’s opening harpsichord solo. Before “Crayon Angels,” she describes how she would call up friends as she was writing the album and sing them instrumental solos, joking that it must have been hard for them to like her in those days. The crowd is in on it, and her self-deprecating humor belies a clear confidence in her talents and her musical vision that is justified by the virtuosic grace of her playing. Sill was a perfectionist who demanded and deserved creative control, a notoriously laborious songwriter who could be a tyrant in the studio, and these tendencies are on full display even in this humble solo set. When she introduces her second last song, “The Lamb Ran Away With the Crown,” she enunciates every word, then repeats it again — ”with. the. crown.” — determined to ensure the the audience walks away knowing exactly what she was saying.

The set ends with Judee’s signature song, “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” which had only just been released to radio two days prior. She calmly reveals the song’s inspiration, an unhappy relationship with a “bandit and a heartbreaker,” and describes waking up one day with the conviction “that even that wretched bastard was not beyond redemption.” Her diction is clear, her tone less so. The audience, nonetheless moved, cheers and laughs. She goes on: “It’s true, I swear. It saved me, this song. It was writing this song or suicide. It’s called “Jesus is a Crossmaker” and I hope you like it.” Her voice seems monotonous for such an emotional confession, but that stops mattering as soon as the song begins.

Instantly her singing voice, freed from the perfectionism of her studio recordings, reveals itself as strikingly human. Precise, unadorned, free of vibrato, it is flat in places, sharp in others, yet cuts to the rhythmic core of each note. She struggles with a few of the intervals she has given herself to sing, but this only enhances the song, giving human voice to the mathematical precision of her compositions, linking the downtrodden with the divine. With her unpretentious voice and deceptively simple language, she strives to speak redemption into being. Her longing for it is audible.

Such longing is a key theme in much of sill’s work, and nowhere is it more pronounced than in “Crayon Angels”:

Crayon Angel songs are slightly out of tune

But I'm sure I'm not to blame

Nothing's happened, but I think it will soon

So I sit here waiting for God and a train to the Astral plane

Later in the song, she confesses “Guess reality is not as it seems so I sit here hoping for truth, and a ride to the other side”. Sill knows the truth she longs for is unattainable, at least in this lifetime — but she remains unflagging in her belief in something. It is this belief that motivates her music. To characterize Sill as a god-given genius laid low by fate undercuts her formidable musical ambition, and the sincerity with which she approached her craft. The work she created was not purely inspired by the divine, but instead strove for it, confronting the inevitable impossibility of reaching perfection with the all-too-human drive for beauty in the face of death. Still, one gets the sense that Sill herself, enthralled as she was with cowboy stories and cosmic secrets, might appreciate the mythic proportions her life story has taken. I like to think that she’s made it to the Astral plane, and that wherever she is, she’s smiling.

#h: assignment #h: 2018 #judee sill #music criticism #folk music #songs of rapture and redemption

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