#virgil angst fics

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

How Romantic

what if a side did get forgotten? they got pushed to the side enough (maybe by the others being in a relationship, maybe by other conflicts) and the mindscape started to remove the "unnecessary" influence – doteddestroyer

Read on Ao3

Warnings: fading/ducking out, but he's fine

Pairings: none, so gen

Word Count: 4777

Romanticism emphasized the individual, the subjective, the irrational, the imaginative, the personal, the spontaneous, the emotional, the visionary, and the transcendental. When Roman is forgotten as a part of Creativity, well, what use does the Imagination have for a prince when it can simply put the Romantic into its work in other ways? Remus has a few things to say about that.

It shouldn’t be all that surprising, really, to think that if a Mind forgets something, it will no longer manifest. Or rather, to not think of it. Or, one could imagine the consequences of not imagining something.

Listen, Roman’s already mostly out the door, he doesn’t have enough cognitive function left to think his way in and out of all the contradictions that arise from the things he says.

The basic principle is this: if a thing is no longer relevant in the Mindscape, which is a consequence of people not thinking about it, then it ceases to exist. The Mindscape doesn’t put the energy into making it a thing. Think of it like a video game. The game only renders the part of the role that the player is currently in, there’s no use for it to render the secret dungeon buried in the third level of the side quest that hardly anyone knows about. It’s more efficient if it doesn’t and in the incredibly slim chance that the player does end up there, then the game can render it and it’ll be fine and it’ll de-load as soon as they leave to go back to the main game.

Got it?

Great.

So, that’s where Roman is right now. In his room, waiting to be de-loaded. He has his Prince costume on, because that’s the version of him that’s going to fade last, his room is all made up in his signature red: red curtains, red comforter, red pillowcases, red notebook laid on his desk. He’s even got his sword out for a final sharpening—no, that’s not a dirty joke, he’s not that Creativity, he’s literally just taking care of the katana—as he waits for the telltale shudder of the Mindscape forgetting something.

He hums absentmindedly to himself as the whetstone sings against the blade. Really, it’s surprising it’s taking this long. Well, not really. Forgetting things is a slow process, it’s not like you can snap your fingers and poof, something’s gone. At the very least, it has to be long enough that something else has taken its place in your mind, and then when you look, you can’t even tell that something was ever missing from it.

Remus has that handled. And Roman will fight anyone who says that’s just because he’s intrusive thoughts, or whatever, no, Remus is memorable all on his own, thank you very much. He’s far cleverer than they all give him credit. And Roman wishes he was half as quick as Remus.

Again, not an innuendo. That’s not his thing, remember?

And Remus isn’t bound by the same creative limits he is! He can run wild—literally, if they let him—and come up with the most incredible things that open up all sorts of new possibilities for what they could do, what they can talk about, what sorts of things they could explore. Isn’t that so much better than just regurgitating the same story idea, over and over and over, doesn’t that get exhausting? How can you imagine something new when all you’re able to do is ricochet around the same blank boring box?

His hand shudders a little as it moves back up the blade. He never liked creative blocks.

And how nice would it be to have a Creativity that wasn’t bound to the fragility of the Ego? How much better, how much easier would it be if you didn’t have to worry about getting bruised and hurt every single time you got feedback on something you made? Making things is hard, you know, it’s vulnerable and terrifying and mortifying especially when you’re showing the end product to someone—and even if you aren’t! Even if it sits on a shelf in your room or a folder on your computer and it never, ever sees the light of day, that’s still scary! You’ve made something, it exists now because of you, and now someone could look at it and see you through it and—and—

Well. You get the idea.

Roman sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He puts the katana away and places the whetstone back in its little box. As he goes to pick it up, it falls through his hands and hits the floor with a low thud.

Ah. So it is starting after all.

He leaves the box on the floor and goes back to the bed. He lies down, not sinking very much at all into his red covers. He folds his hands on his chest and stares up at the ceiling.

It makes sense, after all, that the parts of him the others don’t know about—or have already forgotten about—are going first. The whetstone. They know he has a sword. They probably don’t know how he takes care of it. His bed is red, and he’s the color red, so it’s still here. His room, his prince costume, his desk, all things he needs to be Creativity, or at least half of Creativity, so it will probably go last too.

He lets his head loll to the side, staring at his red notebook. bits of grey begin to enter his vision, the red notebook standing out like a sore thumb. He wonders if any of the things written on its pages would still be there if he looked.

He did love that notebook. It was his friend when no one else would be his friend. It was there for him when it wasn’t okay for him to have someone there for him, when he’d messed up too much to deserve comfort from anyone else, he would go to the notebook. Mainly because the notebook didn’t have a choice.

He’s written a small thing the other day about that, actually. He wonders if it’s still there. If he closes his eyes, maybe he can remember it.

Why don’t you talk to me?; you’re unkind to me; why don’t you talk to me?; I tried and you turned it into a lecture; why don’t you talk to me?; you make fun of me when I try to express how I’m feeling; why don’t you talk to me?; I tried to ask you for help and you turned it into a game of who could mock me the most until I ran away; why don’t you talk to me?; because you were still laughing when I ran away crying; why don’t you talk to me?; because you made me feel guilty for needing help; why don’t you talk to me?; because you made me feel ashamed for wanting support and comfort; why don’t you talk to me?; I don’t want to be in trouble; why don’t you talk to me?; I want to be hurt and upset and have that be okay because I got hurt by something; why don’t you talk to me?; the loneliest time in the world is right before you tell someone else what you did wrong because you know they won’t want to comfort you anymore; why don’t you talk to me?; it’s cold here; why don’t you talk to me?; I just want to be alone now; why don’t you talk to me?; I learned my lesson already; why don’t you talk to me?; what would I have to say?; why don’t you talk to me?; tell me the right words to use so you’ll actually care about me; why don’t you talk to me?; I don’t want to; why don’t you talk to me?; I don’t trust you anymore; why don’t you talk to me?; why would I talk to you?

Ah, that’s it.

His melodrama will probably be the last thing to go too.

He sighs, rubbing his cheek half-heartedly against the pillow in search of some meager comfort. He hasn’t been forgotten enough that the pain that lingers in his chest and hands has gone away, though he’s not sure how. He doesn’t think anyone knows about that—except maybe Remus.

Oh, Remus.

Roman’s chest burns and he gasps, sudden tears coming to the corners of his eyes. He doesn’t want to leave his brother, not after everything they’ve been through, not after all the work they’ve done to get back to the place they’re at now, after all this time, not when they’re finally brothers again. He sniffles, going to wipe his nose and his hands just start to ache. He curls up on the bed, around his pained hands, weeping for himself, for his brother, for Creativity.

Enough of his mind remains to put the pieces together and realize oh, of course. In forgetting everything else, I have been left with the things that I am at my core.

Pain in his chest and hands and an undying love for his brother.

A more complete Creativity might’ve called it Romantic.

***

Thomas sighs. To say that most of these meetings go well would be a lie, but this meeting is not going well.

“Look, all I’m saying is that—“

“Well, that’s your problem right there, you’ve been doing an awful lot of ‘saying’ and not a lot of ‘listening.’”

“Your sass, as delightful as it is, kiddo, is not helpful right now.”

“Oh, really? And here I thought it was the most pivotal thing at the moment.”

“No, it’s not, because it’s taking valuable time from—“

“Sarcasm, Patton. That was sarcasm.”

“And see! That’s another thing—“

“Oh, for the love of Archimedes…”

Yeah. not going well. Thomas pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to figure out what this conversation started with and how exactly they ended up here.

Right, okay.

He’d gotten a text from a friend about a thing they wanted to go do. The problem was, the thing cost money to do and the friend hadn’t said anything about paying for Thomas to come. His finances weren’t awful but it wasn’t like he had the amount of money to just…spare. Logan had suggested they ask and confirm who would be paying the entrance fee, Virgil had worried that it was rude to ask something like that, Janus had proposed a number of ways they could ‘surreptitiously’ ask about it, and Patton had worried about going at all if they were going to be guilt-tripped into it or if the friend had just assumed Thomas would be fine paying for it.

It had…developed from there.

“Look,” Logan says, “there is a very simple way to ask whether or not Thomas is to pay for his own entrance fee. We simply text or call them back and ask.”

“But what if they freak out about it? That’s a weird thing to ask!”

“How is it a weird thing to ask?”

“They might think we’re trying to freeload, or that we’re going to ask them to pay us back, or what if they think that we’re broke?”

“Hey!” Patton puts his hands on his hips. “You are not broken, kiddo, and I won’t stand for you saying that you are!”

“…not what I meant, but thanks, I guess.”

Janus rolls his eyes. “Well, if we’re this stressed out about a simple invitation to something we want to go to anyway, perhaps we should reconsider whether we want to be friends with them at all.”

“Now that’s a bit of an overreaction.”

“Sarcastic! I was being sarcastic!’

Yeah. That’s about where they are now. Out of sheer desperation, if nothing else, he glances over at Remus. Remus’s arms are hanging over the TV, swinging his hands as he grins at the chaos unfolding. He catches Thomas’s gaze and tilts his head in a silent question. Thomas gestures weakly around and Remus shrugs.

“I voted we just go without paying, but apparently that’s illegal or something.”

“Yeah, buddy, that’s…we’re not gonna do that.”

Remus shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

“Alright, look,” Thomas says, raising his voice enough to speak over the current argument about—you know what, he’s not even gonna ask— “this isn’t going anywhere. If we’re going to figure out what we are actually going to do, we need to think about this differently.”

“It’s a simple issue, Thomas.”

“And yet, we’ve been talking for close to an hour and we’ve made zero progress.” Thomas rubs his forehead. “Look, where’s Roman?”

There’s a pause.

“Roman?” Patton frowns. "Why would we need Roman?”

“Well, you know, he’s…also Creativty? Maybe he can help us think of something we’re not thinking of?”

“Remus is also Creativity,” Logan says, indicating Remus who gives a cheery little wave. “His suggestions have been…well, we’ve ruled them out.”

“That’s because you guys are no fun.”

“Yeah, but Roman is a different Creativity. Doesn’t it make sense that what he’d come up with would be different.”

Logan adjusts his glasses. “I suppose so.”

“Why didn’t he show up today, does anyone know?”

“Perhaps he is working on another video idea.”

“Maybe he got lost in the Imagination? Happens to me all the time.”

“Maybe he slept in. God knows he harps on about his ‘beauty sleep’ enough.”

“Janus? Remus? What about you two?”

“Why would I bother to keep track of anything Roman does?” Thomas narrows his eyes at him and Janus sighs, rolling his eyes. “No, I don’t know where he is or why he didn’t bother to show up, nor do I much care.”

“Janus!”

“What?”

Patton puts his hands on his hips. “Don’t be so dismissive, how would you like it if someone said that about you?”

”I don’t know, Virgil, how would I like it?”

“Hey, leave me out of this, I don’t have anything to do with whatever the heck this is.”

Thomas just barely suppresses a deep sigh and looks over at Remus. Remus, however, is not relishing in the argument breaking out between the three of them. Instead, he’s staring off into the corner, frowning hard.

“Remus? You okay, buddy?”

“Why can’t I remember the last time I saw Roman?”

Thomas frowns. That manages to get the attention of the others—somehow—and a hush falls over the room as they all think about it.

“Well, it can’t have been that long ago,” Patton says, “we saw him for movie night on the, um…when we watched the…”

”No, it was more recent than that,” Logan says, “he had come down to breakfast to make us those muffins.”

“Right, right, that’s right. When, uh, when was that?”

“Well, it was…”

Logan trails off into silence. Remus looks around at all of them. “Think about it: when was the last time any of us actually saw Roman? Can any of us actually remember?”

Thomas watches with muted horror as all of them slowly shake their heads.

“Fuck.”

“Language, kiddo,” Patton scolds, “anyway, I’m sure this is just a big misunderstanding.”

“That’s right,” Logan says, “after all, it’s hardly the first time Roman has been absent.”

“Yeah, but he normally tells someone where he’s going,” Virgil mutters, “especially if it’s gonna be for a while.”

“Okay, the last time I definitely saw Ro was three weeks ago when we fed Ollie.”

“He helped me put up new cat posters in my room. I think it was…it was before we did that full moon thing, so that was a month ago?”

“He—jeez, I think I passed him in the hallway at, like, stupid o’clock around a week ago, but I was…pretty out of it.”

“We had a brief meeting about the upcoming script last week. That’s the last time I remember seeing him for certain.”

“Don’t look at me,” Thomas protests when all eyes turn in his direction, “I don’t see him outside of these meetings and the last time we had one of those was like, two months ago.”

“Janny? What about you?”

Janus sighs, idly examining one of the seams on the tip of his finger. “I think you’re all being overdramatic.”

“Roman is missing, Janus,” Logan says with a bit of bite to his words, “I don’t think ‘overdramatic’ is an accurate description.”

“Yeah, especially since none of us can remember the last time we saw him.”

“Oh, please,” he sighs, “it’s Roman. Do you really think something so horrible could happen to him that he’d disappear and he wouldn’t tell anyone about it?”

A beat.

“…shit.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Roman.”

”Alright,” Virgil says, getting up, “Thomas, don’t respond yet. They’ll think you’re working or something. Remus, go check the Imagination.”

“On it!”

“Logan, go see if he’s in the library, J, check the Dark Side’s living room.” The two of them nod and sink out. “Pat?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re gonna go to his room and see if he’s in there.”

“Okay.” Patton glances at Thomas. “Can you…can you feel anything?”

Thomas frowns, putting a hand on his chest. He moves it to the other side.

“Are you checking for your pulse or something?”

“No, normally when I think about Roman, like I’m gonna summon him or something, there’s this, like, warmth? It’s like something in my chest that just—it’s hard to explain.” He moves his hand back. “But I can’t…I can’t feel it right now.”

“Oh, that’s probably not good.”

”We should go.”

“Hey, if it ever feels like you can summon him again? Do it, then get the rest of us back.”

Thomas nods, watching as Virgil grabs Patton and they sink out. He sits slowly on the couch, staring into the middle distance as he keeps moving his hand around his chest. It’s strange; he normally doesn’t even have to put a hand to himself to feel where Roman is. He wasn’t lying before, it really is like this warmth that just lives in his chest, like a second heart almost, one that doesn’t really beat so much as just exist there. Like it’s reminding him that he’s, you know, a human with feelings and wants and desires and that’s okay.

Oh, Roman, buddy, where are you?

***

Remus steps into the Imagination and his knees almost buckle immediately.

Bluish-black storm clouds gather and bruise a dark grey sky overlooking a massive craggy cliff rising impossibly high. Vividly green grass and terribly purple flowers bloom deep inside the crevices of the rocks lining the path in front of him, the smell of fresh rain hanging so heavy that it seems it would fall any moment. In the distance he can see evergreens, smell them even though they must be miles away, and another mountain rising behind them with thin, wispy clouds stretching red fingers over its peak. The ground is warm under him, as though he were standing over an active volcano, but he can see and hear and smell the river that flows by just to the side of him, and the breeze that comes from it is cool and damp. His fingers twitch. So does his nose. He takes a deep, deep breath and takes a step forward.

With every step he takes, the more an uncertain feeling takes root at the base of his stomach. it’s too sweet to be panic, too frenzied to be melancholy, and too lonely to be wonder. He keeps walking. The Imagination is always impossibly vivid, impossibly beautiful, but something about this feels…different.

His chest feels tight.

As he moves past a larger collection of boulders, he rounds the corner as he spots a tree. A massive tree, one where the branches curl outwards and upwards like color diffusing into clear water. Some part of Remus—a part that sounds a lot like Logan, if he’s being honest—mutters how a tree like this couldn’t exist, not in these mountains, not with its roots in these rocks. And yet, here it grows all the same. He moves toward it, the tightness in his chest growing with every step.

At the base of the tree lies the hilt of a katana.

“R-Ro?” Remus collapses in front of the tree, shaking hands touching the trunk. The bark flakes away under his fingers and the smallest glimmers of gold shine up. “Roro…oh, Ro, what happened?”

“Remus? Remus!”

“Whoa, what the hell is this place?”

Remus can’t tear his eyes away from the tree long enough to see them but he can hear the others rush up behind him. He just paws weakly at the trunk and Logan’s muffled gasp is all he needs to hear before he starts sobbing.

“Oh, no,” Logan mumbles, “Roman’s…something’s happened to Roman. He’s—Remus, has he Faded? Or is this something else?”

“He’s been Forgotten,” Remus sobs, “the—the Imagination put him back where—where he wasn’t Roman anymore and he’s—he’s—“

Another sob leaves his throat.

“I want my brother back!”

“But we remember him,” Patton says, “we—we do, he’s Roman, we want him back, why—why is he here still?”

“I don’t think he knows we’re here,” Virgil says, glancing around, “I think he’s—I think he’s here sort of, but not in the Roman we know.”

“So what do we do? How do we get him back?”

Remus is still touching the tree. The clouds overhead start to rumble with distant thunder. He presses himself up against it, hugging it tightly.

“Come back, Ro-bro,” he mumbles into the bark, “came back, I want you to come back.”

“Logan? What do we do?”

“There has to be a reason he’s manifesting like this, doesn’t there?” Logan turns around, looking at the mountains, the sky, the river, the rocks, the tree. “Nature, the natural world, he’s become a tree so some kind of growth? Reincarnation? Transcendence?”

“Maybe it has more to do with Roman?” Janus’s against the bark near Remus’s head. “Creativity? Ego? Romance?”

“Romance…Romance…Romance, of course, Roman’s Romance!”

“What about this seems particularly romantic to you?”

“That’s it, it’s not romantic, it’s Romantic. The Romantic movement, the whole—oh, Roman,” Logan says softly, resting his hands on the trunk too, “I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could talk to us.”

“How in the hell are you getting all of that from Roman being a tree?”

”The Romantic period was in reaction to the balance and calm of the Classical. Heightened emotion, the irrational, the subjective, all of these became key themes. It was far more important to preserve the spirit and individuality of the artist rather than any sort of adherence to strict rules or traditional procedures.” Logan’s hand runs over the bark. “As well as a focus on the inner struggles of the exceptional figure.”

“And Princey’s the exceptional figure?”

”In a manner of speaking.” Logan presses his other hand to the tree too. “Roman? Are you here?”

A breeze ruffles through the leaves.

“Was that him?” Patton rushes forward and touches the tree. “Roman? Roman, kiddo, are you there?”

Another low boom of distant thunder and it starts to rain.

“Quick, everyone touch the tree.” Everyone puts their hands on it. ‘Roman? Roman, can you feel that? We’re all here, we’re all right here.”

The thunder grows louder. They wait there with bated breath as the tree rustles in the breeze, until Janus, who hadn’t clutched down with the rest of them, hears a crackle from up in the clouds.

“Get back!”

They all fling themselves away just as lightning strikes the tree, the very top of it catching fire as the trunk splits down the middle. Jagged bits of wood just into the open air like fractured ribs. And there, in the center of the splitting trunk—

—is Roman.

“Ro!” Remus howls and dives forward, wrenching his brother’s body out of the tree and dragging him to lie on the flat stone. “Ro, wake up, wake up, you have to be okay, you have to be!”

“…Re?”

Remus sobs again, throwing his arms around Roman who looks up at them with quiet confusion.

“What’s going on?”

“You left,” Janus spits, “you vanished and we didn’t know where you were so we had to come look for you.”

“J,” Virgil says lowly, before crouching down, “you went missing, Roman. We couldn’t find you. Why, uh, why were you in a tree?”

Roman frowns. “I don’t know. I…I was in my room, and you were forgetting me—“

“What do you mean, we were forgetting you?”

Roman blinks. “You were forgetting me. You were going to Remus. Remus is the Creativity that’s helping more. You weren’t thinking about me.”

“That’s not true,” Patton mumbles, horrified, even as Roman gestures around with a wordless if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t be here, “we…we love you, Roman.”

Roman just shrugs. “Maybe.”

“What do you mean, ‘maybe?’” Janus splutters. “That’s not a thing you get to say maybe about, Roman.”

Roman doesn’t even flinch, just turns slightly so he can rest his head against Remus’s.

“You don’t even have anything to say for yourself?”

“Janus,” Logan says sharply, “that’s enough.”

”Roman disappears, he turns into a tree, he says we’re forgetting him and that we don’t love him, and we’re just supposed to accept it?” Janus throws his hands up. “How are you three so calm about this?”

“I’m not calm, but I’m not going to make this about me right now!”

“Janus,” Roman says softly and they instantly fall quiet, “you’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know how I became a tree. I didn’t mean to imply you guys had forgotten me entirely. I shouldn’t have said you don’t love me.”

Janus’s eyebrows raise in surprise. He huffs a little awkwardly and folds his arms. “Well. Good.”

”Are…we done now?”

“What? No, Princey, we’re not done, we—“ Virgil runs a hand through his hair— “you turned into a tree. After you vanished. How the hell are we—what do we do now?”

Roman shrugs.

Remus, who has been lying on top of Roman for this whole thing, feels one of the hands under him begin to meld with the stone. He draws back, alarmed, only for Roman’s fingers to come free and lace with his. He squints at Roman’s face, noticing the barely-there tremble of his lip, and whips around to face the other three.

“You three. Fingers. Ears. Song. Now.”

‘What?”

“Do it!”

It takes them a second but they begrudgingly put their fingers in their ears and start mumbling things to avoid listening. Remus glares at them for a moment longer before turning back to Roman.

‘Hey,” he whispers, “what’s wrong?”

Roman’s lip trembles again. “They’re still here,” he whispers back, “I just—I just want to hurt.”

‘What do you mean?”

“They’ll be mad at me for whatever’s going on, they’ll—I don’t want them to explain or tell me how what I’m doing is bad, or anything like that. I don’t want their—I don’t want their comfort,” Roman whispers, his voice getting thick, “I just want to be hurt by myself and have that be okay.”

“Of course that’s okay, Ro.”

“Because they did forget me. It’s not your fault or anything but they did and it hurts, Re—“

“I know, I know, shh, shh, hey, hey,” he says, “let’s do this: we need to go tell good old Thomathy that we found you, so let’s you and me go do that and then we can have our own cat pile wherever you want, okay? Just you and me. The others can you suck a tree branch.”

“Won’t they be mad?”

“Tell you what: you go to Thomas right now, I’ll deal with them, and then I’ll come after.”

“…I’m sorry I left again, Re.”

“Pshh. Water under the Kraken.”

***

Thomas shoots up from the couch as Roman rises up in his normal place.

“Roman! You’re okay!” He yes the scratches as bruises from the tree. ‘Well, mostly.”

Roman rubs the back of his head. “Yeah. I’m…sorry.”

“Whoa, hey, it’s okay, buddy. As long as you’re okay.”

Roman blinks. “Wait, really?”

‘Yeah, bud. You, uh…it looks like you’ve been through some stuff.”

“…that’s one way to put it.”

“Do you, uh talk about it?”

“Not really.”

‘Okay.”

“Wait, you’re sure?”

‘Yeah. It’s your business. I, uh, I’ll be here if you do want to?”

“Thanks, Thomas.”

“Of course, buddy. You’re great.” Thomas scratches the back of his head too. ‘I know we, uh, haven’t always been the best at saying stuff out loud to each other, that’s normally what the others do, but…you know I’d never replace you for anything, right?”

Roman smiles. He really, truly smiles. And for just a moment, the entire Mindscape fades away, leaving just the two of them standing in this one little room. A man and his Ego, smiling at each other.

The setting sun peeks in through the blinds and the room glows with a rich, bright red.

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#dragonbabbles #sanders sides #fic #roman angst #roman sanders #roman sanders angst #logan sanders #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #virgil sanders #patton sanders #janus sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit

[idontknowreallywhy]

1 - Presence

I’m pretty sure that the more determined I am to sit and write something fluffy in a spare moment, the more angsty it comes out. This morning I was going to write some nice earth and sky but smashed the Virg instead…

And so we have some Virgil post Scott’s going MIA because that’s clearly where the fluff lies. It’s a slightly weird idea and I maybe have fallen off the mixed metaphor cliffedge here, but sensory stuff fascinates me so…

Err… I’m sorry?

In mitigation I might have an idea for a follow up scene when Scott is finally back…

(Not well proofed, thrown down in a coffee break)

💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚

It was an unexpected thing that finally broke Virgil:

The smell of washing powder.

An odour none of them ever noticed, because it was everywhere. A background chord running through all the linen in the place, over which all the other scents of the household were layered like a complex symphony. Until some of those more discordant scents became too loud and overpowering at which point the item was laundered, and a new score was opened beginning only with that familiar chord as a canvas.

By unspoken agreement, his room remained as he’d left it. Perhaps none of them had truly accepted he wouldn’t return to fill it with life again. Perhaps it just wasn’t necessary to thrust the knives of practicality into that particular wound yet… they weren’t short of space at the ranch.

Virgil would visit, once or twice a week, usually late at night when the effort of holding everything and everyone together had drained the last drop of his resolve and he needed to renew his vow to his big brother.

It required preparation though. He would shower, thoroughly, using a fragrance free soap he had ordered especially. Only when he was positive that all traces of his own cologne, hair products, coffee, his own smell were washed away would he open the door. He didn’t want to add anything to the faint music that persisted inside.

The bed had only been slept in three nights, on that brief visit home before he was deployed for the last time and so nobody had thought it worth stripping the sheets and laundering them. There was a light gloss of super-shiny gel on the pillow and the quiet but unmistakeable melody of his brother lingered.

The blue fluffy dressing gown on the back of the door had been worn longer and played the more powerful tune of his cologne, with a harmony of pancake batter, coffee and, on one cuff, a hint of whisky from the evening he and Virgil had sat on the back porch exchanging dad jokes and Scott had laughed so hard he’d sloshed his drink all over his hand.

He would check everyone else was asleep, then slip to his brother’s door, enter quietly and reverently remove the robe from its hook to wrap around his shoulders, lifting the outsized hood to cover his head. The intense familiarity was always a shock and so he’d stand there for a moment, surrounded by his brother’s song to catch his breath. Then, slowly he would kneel by the side of the bed, his face resting on the edge of the pillow and he would rest for a while and imagine his big brother’s arms around him. He could almost feel Scott’s forehead pressed against his own, or maybe his cheek resting on the top of his head. He’d promise again that he would look after the others. He’d be big brother as long as he had strength left in his body. And somehow, some strength would return. He’d made it through nearly three months now. He could keep going. He could do it for Scott.

He couldn’t linger there for too long. He couldn’t fall asleep here, couldn’t risk a sweaty nightmare eradicating all he had left.

He’d replace the robe and close the door, sneak back down the hallway and return to his own room. Then, and only then, could he allow the tears to fall.

One night he missed a step.

He didn’t check on the others. Maybe he also messed up the stealth part as he was jolted out of his bedside reverie by his youngest brother’s gasp:

“Scotty??!!”

He spun to face the doorway and was able to see Alan’s heart break all over again as the wrong brother looked out from under the hood.

That had been a long night. He’d done his best to explain what he’d been doing and held back his tears as he confessed he didn’t think Scott would come back as a ghost to visit them. He held the devastated child as they both wept and lay awake until the birds signalled another day to survive through was moments away from dawning.

He’d thought little more of it until one evening, well after the kid’s bedtime, Alan burst into the kitchen in a terrible panic and seized grandma by the hand, dragging her upstairs. Curious, Virgil followed and paused at the top of the stairs as he heard Grandma’s low comforting voice interspersed with hiccuppy sobs. They were coming from Scott’s room.

Virgil peered around the half open door to see his grandmother and brother crouched together on the floor, Alan clutching his empty hot chocolate mug and sobbing his heart out. He caught grandma’s eye and she indicated with a look that she had things under control. She’d handle this. He wasn’t needed this time. Virgil nodded and was about to back out when his gaze fell on the bed. And Scott’s robe in a heap by the pillows. And the marshmallows on that robe, surrounded by a spreading brown stain.

Virgil lied and said he had a migraine the following day. He shouldn’t be angry with an 8 year old for wanting to drink his bedtime cocoa with the ghost of his big brother. But he was. Because he, Virgil, was a terrible big brother. Scott wouldn’t have been angry. He’d have laughed and said it was cute and ruffled Allie’s hair and that was why Scott should still be here and Virgil couldn’t do this. They left his food outside the door, with a little get well soon card drawn in a rare fit of cooperation by Gordon and Alan. Alan had surrounded his name in hearts and kisses. He didn’t deserve it.

Late that night, after his usual shower he crept back along the corridor to Scott’s room, quietly opened the door and shut himself inside. Grandma had, indeed, handled it. The bed was neatly made again with freshly laundered sheets and the robe was hung back on its hook, fluffier than ever from the dryer. A new score was opened, only the starting chord could be heard.

Virgil took a deep breath in through his nose and tears filled his eyes.

He was gone.

💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚

(Ok I do need to TBC it as I can’t leave him like that… I’ll fix it I promise)

update: Part 2 “Absence” is here

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #idontknowreallywhy fanfic #tw grief #scott tracy #virgil tracy #alan tracy #thunderangst #angst #bereznik #Tw MiA family member #Presence fic

[star-gazing-doge]

I. Need. Virgil. Angst.

Right now! No questions asked give me fic recommendations of my lil anxious boy getting traumatized

.

..

...

Please

#ts virgil #sander sides #ts sanders sides #virgil sanders #sander side virgil #sanders sides #fic rec #angst #fic reccomendations

[typically-untypical]

Their Emotions

Per @amateurmasksmith's request!

AU: Canon divergent

CW: None that I know of

WC: 1937

Date: August 11th, 2023

Janus pulled the gloves securely around his hands, lingering as he looked down at the yellow fabric. Yes he liked the aesthetic but that wasn't the predominant reason he wore the constrictive fabric. In fact, Janus didn't dress the way he did purely because the dark and mysterious vibe was a fun persona to play, rather his touch was a beautiful and dangerous thing. He doubted others were affected by his power, they had their own things to deal with. Thomas was a whole person, but they were fragments, pieces, and with that came certain quirks. Patton could literally starve if he wasn't touched; Logan turned into a statue when Thomas had brain freeze, and when he was younger, Virgil had wings as a part of the whole "Fight or flight" mantra. Not all of their quirks were tied to idioms, some of them were just because of how Thomas viewed the world, or how he wanted the world to be. Janus assumed that was how he turned out to be an empath, something along the lines of deceitful people being the most in tune to other people's emotions. Fortunately, it was only when he had skin to skin contact. He could hide behind his layers of clothing and be spared the other's feelings. It was overwhelming. 

Back when Janus was still Self-Preservation, when he wasn't seen as a villain, his small hands would reach for Patton's. Emotions gave off such beautiful feelings, love and care that filled the sense in every way. Holding Patton's hand was like being encompassed by home, the smell of dinner cooking, the hum of happy melodies. Janus had loved holding tightly to Patton and that feeling. The gloves hadn't become a staple to his ensemble until they were in elementary school. Love didn't last, and the warmth turned to disappointment as Janus reached for Patton's hand. It burned worse than anything he had ever felt; it was a stabbing pain through his heart and he had pulled his hand away like he had touched fire. Patton's disappointment grew on his face. Janus and Remus were pushed away from Thomas shortly after that, and Janus wore gloves to keep him from reaching out for a comfort that would never come.

Long sleeves came next, a heated fight with Virgil turned nearly violent as the anxious side grabbed his arm. 

"I need you to listen to me!" Virgil had screamed, but all Janus could feel was fear, pain, and anger. He had yanked his arm away, putting on his most deceitful smile as he fought to catch his breath. He had known about Virgil's pain but he had never understood the depths of it. He wish he could help the anxious side; he wished he could explain why they needed to hide, why they couldn't tell anyone about their feelings. 

"Thomas isn't ready to know that much about himself, and it will only cause him pain in the end." He knew Virgil needed more of an explanation than that, but he was so focused on the pain of lying that he couldn't see the monsters around them, the way their life could fall apart if they told the truth. All Virgil knew was the pressure to be good, to share everything, the pressure not to lie. His fear lingered in Janus' heart, beating rapidly as he questioned his own decision. 

Virgil looked at him disgusted, sneering "you're nothing but a liar" before walking away. That was when he started being called Deceit. No longer was he the side that wanted to protect Thomas, that was Virgil's job. Virgil was looking out for Thomas, trying to protect him from the world. Janus was just... deceit. That was also the day he stopped leaving his arms vulnerable to touch. Virgil's fingers left lingering prickles of panic. He never really figured how to get rid of the feeling, but it was fine. Janus donned a black shirt that covered his arms, a color Virgil favored, and everything was fine.

The capelet was next, a memory he chose not to focus on as pushed away the feeling of fingers on his throat. Anger was such an unpleasant feeling to experience second hand. He hated the idea that anyone could force him to lose sight of his job. Anger burned, anger consumed. It choked him with its smoke and fire as Nisus held onto his throat. Janus had spent so long pushing down his anger, pushing down the frustration and pain but Nisus had pulled it out with a single touch. The destructive path he left behind had scared even Remus.

Never again. 

He didn't need to know what the others felt. He didn't want to know. He could no longer pull up the memories of Patton's love and care. Touch only brought pain, and so Janus stayed covered.

He pulled himself out of his thoughts as he walked into the common area.

"Morning Janus!" Patton was the first to greet him, disappointment had faded into pity, much the same way Patton had pitied Virgil in the beginning. It was a step in the right direction, but it was a far cry from the love Janus' heart remembered. 

"Good Morning," He responded smoothly, walking over to his seat and surveying the others. He knew how they all felt about him. There was no need to brush his fingers against their arms, to feel the thrum of their emotions in his own heart.

Roman was discussing something with Virgil who was listening, but just barely.

Contempt. Betrayal. 

Logan was reading a book, curled up in a posture he would yell at anyone else for having.

Nothing. That almost hurt worse.

Patton was walking over to him.

Pity.

"Hey Jannie, it's been hot the past few days so we were all thinking of going to the imagination to go swimming."

Swimming required a swimsuit, which typically required fewer layers. He could put on a wetsuit but the idea of wet clothes against his scales was completely unappealing. He typically loved the beach, curling up in the warm sand, allowing the salty water to occasionally spray him and cool him down. He didn't want to say no to a family excursion when they were all beginning to get along, but he couldn't risk touching them. He didn't want to know. He wasn't afraid... hesitant was a better word. "If I do join you I will most likely stay on the beach, I'm not a fan of swimming." He could stay in his full outfit and it wouldn't be a problem. 

"I know you're supposed to be the lord of the lies," Remus chimed in from the air grate, sticking his head out. They had reinforced the air ducts for exactly this reason. "One of your favorite activities is laying on a rock in the sun while the cool waves brush against you. You won't even let me make the rock poisonous or anything like that." 

Janus hissed at Remus who disappeared back into the HVAC system, giggling manically. Janus had taken years to be comfortable being dressed down in front of Remus, almost a decade even, but he was immediately beginning to regret that decision as the others looked at him. The problem was now, whether or not he told the truth they'd have their suspicions. He cautioned on another lie.

"Apologies, the truth is embarrassing which is why I didn't lead with that. I don't like being less than fully covered in front of others."

This time it was Virgil who snorted and chimed in. "You weren't always that way. You used to love showing off your arms and-" Virgil cut himself off and Janus knew they had both had the same thought. That was before Virgil and him were arguing, before Janus became a snake. Honestly, being part snake didn't bother Janus, but he was happy for Virgil to make that assumption.

"As I said, I'd be happy to attend, but I will remain on the beach." He tilted his head to the side, doing his best to give off an unassuming smile. He didn't focus on the way Roman rolled his eyes, or on the way Virgil glared at him like he was a puzzle.

"Well, if that will make you the happiest, kiddo." Patton chimed, his own voice strained and Janus was debating backing out entirely. 

"I will also stay on the beach. I have a few books I would like to finish, but getting out in the pseudo fresh air should be good for all of us." Logan had set down his book and was looking at all of the others. The idea that Janus wouldn't be alone on the beach seemed to relax Patton.

"I'll prepare a picnic," he clamored, making his way toward the kitchen. 

The four remaining sides sat in awkward silence. Logan looked like he had something to say. Roman was obviously trying to avoid looking at Janus. He still argued that things were getting better, but they certainly weren't anywhere near pleasant. 

"Roman, don't you need Virgil to help you pick out your outfit for the beach?"

"What? I would-" His dramatic statement was cut off as Logan looked at him. The logical side wasn't being subtle but maybe he wasn't trying to be. That wasn't his strong suit.

"Right, of course, come on Virgil." Virgil looked between Logan and Janus before sighing.

"Yeah, okay, whatever."

Soon it was just Janus and Logan in the room, and Logan took a seat again, this time a little closer to Janus. "I don't understand what has you hesitant to be loosely clothed in front of us, but know we will respect your needs... at least, I will."

Janus snorted and gently shook his head. "That was never in doubt for me Logan, you are respectful to a fault."

"A fault?" His eyebrow quirked in question.

"Sometimes it would benefit you to be more selfish and demand your own needs be met." 

"Although I don't necessarily disagree with you, I believe the conversation was supposed to be about your needs and wants and not my own."

"Do you truly believe I am not taking care of my needs?" Janus asked, putting his hand to his chest. "I am Thomas' sense of self-preservation."

Logan stared at him with a deadpan look. "And Virgil is Thomas' anxiety. He enjoys giving anxiety but also gets anxiety, we are facsimiles of people. We are complex."

It was kind for him to care, though, strange. "I stand by my earlier statement. You care more than you should." Janus shook his head. "By sitting on the beach I will be taking care of my needs. I will be able to remain fully clothed while continuing to build the bonds which will suit all of us and Thomas far more than our current situation does."

The other side continued to look at him with that quirked eyebrow but eventually relented. "If you would like to talk about the reason you are adverse to showing us your skin and scales, I am here to listen." Logan stood up. "I should also get ready. Patton will be wanting to leave the moment he is done in the kitchen."

As soon as Logan left, Janus let out a soft sigh. He knew how they all felt. He was sure he did... then why did his fingers tingle to reach out for Logan, to see if there was truth in his statement? Janus looked down at his gloved hands. One day. Maybe one day he would be able to reach out to one of them.

Tag List: @simplestoryteller @fantasticfangirl21 @joylessnightsky @glacierruler

#sanders side fic #fanfic #sanders sides #logan sanders #remus sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #Janus Sanders #Janus angst #hurt/comfort #mildly unresolved

[plattypie-humano]

I’m a big fan of Knives Out & Sanders Sides, so I kinda came up with like an angsty fic idea.

Basically, Thomas wants to rehearse a part for a murder themed role he got, so every side plays a part as a suspect (including Thomas) while one side plays the detective. Surprisingly, Thomas nominates Janus, who happily accepts. They go through the scenes and acts, one by one, until it dawns on all of them that the play, kind of relates to a moral incident in Thomas’ life, which one side caused but was never confronted or caught. So, the play continues, but now in an effort to stop the incident cause any more guilt to Thomas.

The circumstances all point to it being Deceit’s fault, however multiple sides can vouch for him and Remus. This meant a light side tried their best to do the right thing, but failed and decided to cover up the mistake and frame Janus so the whole accident can be laid to rest.

At this point, everyone is defending themselves and Thomas doesn’t press it any further since it had no problematic consequences, and all was forgiven even without the culprit being known.

Everyone fades out, Thomas too, except Janus and the culprit.

He knew all along who it was, and is willing to hide their mistake.

Why? Well, they’re having a bit of a tough time.

With what? With working so hard of course! They do so much with little recognition from the others, and instead only being ridiculed and made fun of.

They were bound to slip up. They did with Remus, and he told Janus all about it. It was admirable really. Lying by only using something well known (a fact in fact) to steer suspicion away.

“Really Logan, you did a very good impersonation of me. And I thought I was a master of disguise…”

#this was supposed to be just an idea #oh well it’s a mini fic now #sad Logan hours #sanders sides #thomas sanders #logan sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #angst #fic ideas #lociet

[edutainer2022]

As per usual, @janetm74 incredible insight into Jeff and Scott gave me a push to wrap up a little piece that has been in my drafts for a while. It's mind-numbing fluff. A morning talk-show with Jeff Tracy upon return to Earth provides grounds for some much needed revelations.

ONE WORD ANSWERS

As interviews were going these months, this was a smaller one. Done privately from the desk in the lounge via a holo-com. Ever since the dramatic return from Oort Cloud, already christened the "Rescue of the Century", every media outlet worldwide wanted a piece of him. Jeff didn't feel much like putting up with most of it - eight years in outer space on meager rations and slim hope was a brutal awakening once they were safely back on Earth. Besides, he'd rather not waste any more time than necessary on media coverage, away from his family. He'd done his fair share of that in his active duty days, and Lord knew he had A LOT to catch up with in his sons' lives. A lot! Some things he gleaned and pieced together in observations and a backlog of reports were more... thought provoking than others. But some visibility was needed and even expected. He understood that.

The interview for a morning show in a different timezone was to be short, capped up with a ten-questions blitz to lighten the mood. The outline of questions, as per usual, was screened by John and Tracy Legal, and pre-approved by Jeff himself. His only recommendation this time around was the order of points in a blitz.

If the boys were surprised he asked them to sit in through the interview, obscured by the sunken lounge, they didn't show it. Jeff made sure everyone was on the island, Scott back from NYC and the Tracy Industries Board full of questions and incessant worries as to the perspective changes in status quo, Alan back from campus orientation, even John planetside for the weekend (something that had become a frequent and welcome habit). They knew Dad sometimes struggled with social situations these days and needed some cheering along and support - which was provided with unreserved abandon.

The interview was running its course smoothly, as they neared the 10 questions section. The show anchor was all smiles - the mock-blitz questions were submitted by the viewers and the most frequent or special ones were selected.

- So, Mr. Tracy, you were the First Man on Mars, the Founder of International Rescue, you set multiple supersonic speed records. How would you describe yourself in one word?

Oh, that was an easy one. He would have used so many words years ago as applied to himself or others applied to him - some more on point, some vain. A pilot. An astronaut. An entrepreneur. A husband. A son. A hero. A Thunderbird. A man of the world. A friend. A savior. A failure. A legend. An idealist. A leader. A survivor. Jeff Tracy still was all those things, in different measures. But eight years of the endless night, with nothing but his thoughts, memories and dreams for company, have distilled his self-awareness to one point of absolute clarity:

- A father.

He could hear the collective breath escape his sons' lips and a soft glow washed over their features.

He smiled in response and the blitz went on.

- What are you most proud of?

That too was a no-brainer, but he might need more than one word to answer exhaustively. Never hurts to elaborate on global television:

- My sons. There are no words to express how proud I am of their accomplishments and of the incredible people they grew up to be: my youngest son Alan is a prodigy, the youngest rocket pilot in history, Gordon is an Olympic champion, an environmental activist AND an Aquanot for International Rescue, Dr. John Tracy, the Voice that Answers, holds multiple PhD degrees in Astrophysics and Computer Science, my son Virgil is an accomplished pianist, like his mother, and a recognized artist on top of being busy full time with International Rescue engineering.

Smiles were blooming on his boys' faces up to a point it became apparent he stopped his answer at four. Jeff could swear there was a sheen of tears in Alan’s eyes, whereas light brown and turquoise turned momentarily hard. Virgil's whole face was a shimmer of disbelief and betrayal. Scott's eyes, soft and understanding, and infinitely sad, would be enough to stop the interview right there and backtrack. But he needed to see this through just right. The news anchor was beaming, as they were down to the last question:

- That is certainly a LOT to be proud of, Mr. Tracy. I'm sure the whole world, anyone who has ever needed help from International Rescue, would agree. But our viewers want to know one last thing from the Hero of the Century. Do you know you're called that? That's a tough mark to measure up to! Well, who is YOUR Hero, Mr. Tracy?

The anchor probably would have never guessed how simple and ready that answer was in his mind. He didn't need a moment to think:

- My eldest son. Scott Tracy. Everything International Rescue is today, everything our family is today - we owe to him. I owe him my life. I know nobody stronger in the face of so much pain and pressure. I could survive in outer space, but I am not sure I could ever do what he did in my absence. I have never admired or respected anyone more. I am a better man for being his father. So it's simple as that, Scott Tracy is my hero.

The holo projector barely flickered out when he was barreled into midriff by a flurry of warm and blond, and fierce. Alan hugged him tight and mumbled "Thank you!", no doubt aimed at his words not only on all other brothers, but on Scott. He meant every one of those. Soon he was in a circle of strong arms and within reach of the most beloved young faces, incandescent with emotions and hope. All but one. Scott lingered behind, as he was disturbingly wont to since their first hug in the Oort Cloud - hence Jeff's little staged performance today, as a desperate measure. He held his eldest son's gaze unwaveringly across the lounge, aware of the tears streaming from still astonished blue eyes. It was an instant loss to step out of his boys' embrace even for a brief moment, but there was something he needed to do. He crossed to the couches in three big strides and held Scott as tightly to himself as the still recuperating muscles would allow. It hurt to know the boy would be this surprised to be acknowledged and appreciated. But Jeff was gifted a second chance to let all his sons know how cherished they were. How precious. He'd waste no minute of that. A tight hold of arms was soon around him and Scott again, more confirmations of affection all around washing over. There was nothing he'd rather do for the rest of his life.

#thunderbirds are go #scott tracy #jeff tracy #jeff tracy needs a front row seat to his son’s angst #methinks i have astronomy #scott tracy needs a hug #scott tracy needs his dad #thunderbirds 2015 #my fic #virgil tracy #gordon tracy #john tracy #alan tracy needs a hug

[phading]

Stellar - Just Posted

It's late, I'm exhausted, emotionally drained and so, so ecstatic to have finished this fic! Hope you enjoy.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderfam #thunderbirds fanfiction #john tracy #gordon tracy #virgil tracy #scott tracy #alan tracy #phading #a phade fic #angst #poetry #secrets #hospital

[42starsintheuniverse]

Sanders Sides Fic!

I just uploaded my first Sanders Sides fic, please check it out!! Part two will be released tomorrow :]

If you like it please leave a comment on the fic- it's my fav to hear peoples thoughts on it! And reblogs so more people can see it mean a lot to me, I hope you enjoy !!

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52936387/chapters/133908373

#sanders sides #sanders side fic #ao3 fanfic #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #angst with a happy ending #fic link #fic rec #logic #morality #creativity #thomas sanders

[samders-sides]

I am trying to find a really good sanders sides fanfic I once read - it had all the sides in the imagination, and there were two female oc’s (one who was the big bad and the other a fairy godmother type). The big bads goal was to turn Roman and Remus back into one Creativity so that she could rule by their side once more.

There was also a scene where I think Virgil was being controlled and fought Roman? And succeeded in stabbing him (possibly killing him?)

Any help would be amazing ❤️

#roman sanders #roman sanders angst #sanders sides #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #sander sides fanfiction #sanders side fic #ts sides #thomas sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders

[gumnut-logic]

Just another random scene, this time inspired by this post.

-o-o-o-

The wind caught his brother’s hair, soft and full of curls lacking its usual product. Strands of dark, almost black, danced across pale skin.

But it was the anguish in Virgil’s eyes that caught Scott by the throat.

“Hey.” He reached out and drew his brother closer. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“But-“

He dropped his forehead to Virgil’s, catching his curls between them. “It was not your fault.” His brother’s breath wheezed between teeth and Scott frowned. “You did everything humanly possible. We can’t save everyone.”

Virgil closed his eyes, his breath still harsh and hurting. “I tried…”

“I know.”

“So hard.”

“I know.”

His brother’s next words dissolved into a sob. Scott lifted his head and dragged Virgil into a hug.

He held the big man as he trembled. and stared out into the caldera of their home, thinking about their reasons for doing what they did.

And the wind teased his hair.

-o-o-o-

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds fanfiction #thunderbirds #Virgil Tracy #Scott Tracy #earth and sky #nuttyfic #maybe I should write some proper fic instead of these snippets #angst #thunderangst

[parkerthewaterbender]

so I was watching some Sanders Sides tiktoks, as you do, and a tik tok with logan being angry came up. This reminded me of the moment when Logan was so angry that his eyes went ORANGE. Thus, I came up with a theory :

What if the orange side was Logan in disguise?? What if he was a dark side to begin with but no other dark side knew anything about it? If this was true, his eyes turning orange didn’t mean that the orange side took a bit of control of him, it would have meant that his angrier side almost came to light.

This is obviously a headcanon and a theory but it just seems so cool ( and angsty ) as an idea! What are you’re thoughts? 

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #fanfiction #sanders sides x reader #prinxiety #logicality #janus x remus #janus x virgil #janus x roman #the orange side #theory #conspiracy #fluff #angst #thomas sanders #logince #roman x patton #remus x patton

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

"Cut!"

Hi! I was remembering how some of your fics have Roman practicing conversations with the other sides in the Imagination over and over. Now, I tend to be one of those people that is almost always in my head (been mildly dissociating near constantly for almost a year now which uh- probably should get that checked out actually) and a lot of the time when I do stuff I get deja vu even if I've never done something like that before. And it's kinda gotten to the point where I'm not entirely sure if something has actually happened or not sometimes. So I was thinking maybe Roman references a conversation what he'd had with the Imagination!Sides in passing on accident, and everyone is kinda like "Princey wtf are you talking about??" And Roman panics and hides, and the next time he sees the sides he thinks that they don't wanna see him and this is a scene in the Imagination. So he gets really confused when the words he's learned will get the fake sides angry at him just are met with more concern and worry from the real sides. And they're trying to comfort him and he doesn't know what's going on and yells "CUT!" but obviously it doesn't work and now everyone is really worried and Roman can't tell between what's real and what's fake anymore and just. Has a mental breakdown. and then they comfort :D because I cannot leave this poor guy with an unhappy ending. – anon

hiii !!!! idk if you’re taking requests, and if not please ignore me, but if you are, i’m legit in love with how you write rociet with roman angst, and i would love to see more of it !!!!!! thank you !!!!!!!! – anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: unreality/roman having trouble remembering things and figuring out what's real, self-doubt

Pairings: dlampr, can be platonic or romantic you decide

Word Count: 4976

It begins so slowly that they don't think anything of it at first. Roman will say something that they don't remember, or he'll reference something that never happened, or he'll forget something that happened just a few days ago as though it happened several months back. Things...escalate, and soon they figure out the problem is far, far worse than they could have ever imagined.

Remus doesn't bother with asking or knocking, he just sinks into Roman's room right over his bed.

There's no yelp or screech, which means Roro's not in the bed, but he does get a surprised little squeak when he turns around from his desk.

"Ro-bro!"

"Re? I thought you were—you went—aren't you feeding Ollie right now?"

Remus frowns, sitting up. "No, that's not for another week. And you're supposed to come with me."

Roman furrows his brow, toying with his pen. "Really? I thought you said…"

He trails off, staring into nothing and Remus's frown deepens, sliding off the bed and walking over. Roman's pen stills, his grip a little too tight, and Remus nudges his shoulder. "Roro?"

It's like someone electrocuted him—Roman clicks and suddenly this wide grin that looks almost painful settles on his face and Remus blinks in surprise. "Sorry, don't know what came over me. Must've been lost in thought."

"Are you—hey!"

Roman leaps up and tackles Remus through the door into the Imagination, summoning his sword and swinging it before Remus has a chance to catch his breath. His morningstar clangs against the blade a moment later and he grins too—he's been waiting for Roman to start one of their fights for ages!

"Come on," Roman taunts, spreading his arms, "or are you just gonna lie there all day?"

"Oh, you asked for it, Roro."

Their sparring shakes the ground, yells and laughs ringing out as their weapons clash over and over and over. Remus throws back his head and howls and the Imagination responds, the sky growing dark and thick with clouds as thunder booms in the distance. Roman's sword grazes his arm and he shoves Remus hard in the chest, knocking him over.

"Do you yield?"

"Never!" He springs back up and they're off again, but Roman keeps dancing out of the way. "How're you so fast? Have you been practicing without me?"

Roman falters and Remus jams his elbow into the soft part of Roman's ribs, knocking him off-balance just enough to swat the sword from his hand. The first raindrops start to fall as Roman lands on his side, Remus's morningstar about to aim for his chest when a leg trips him and suddenly Roman's got his sword back—how did that happen?—and Remus's weapon is flying across the field.

"How the fuck—?"

"Do you yield?"

Remus snarls playfully and jumps up, tackling Roman and knocking his sword away again. Roman responds instantly, grappling across the slowly-muddying field until they end up on their backs, Roman's arm holding Remus in a chokehold as the rain pours down on them.

"Do you yield?"

"Yeah, yeah," Remus gasps, "I fucking yield. Leggo."

Roman chuckles and lets him roll off, landing face first in a mud puddle. His muscles ache but only in the good way and he flops onto his back, smiling breathlessly at the sky.

"That was fucking amazing, Roro," he gasps, "you have been practicing, haven't you?"

"Just trying to keep up with you," comes Roman's answer, just a little too quickly.

Remus doesn't think anything of it.

2.

"Roman?"

"Hm?" Roman looks up from his spot in the corner of the living room, curled around his notebook. "Oh, hey, Padre. Is everything okay?"

Patton tilts his head. "Yeah, kiddo, why wouldn't it be?"

"Sorry, it's just, you know, everyone's been a little tense recently, what with…" Roman makes a vague gesture. "Everything. I shouldn't have assumed, though, I'm sorry."

Before Patton can ask if Roman's okay, Roman's settling his notebook to the side and standing up.

"What can I do for you?"

"I was going to ask if you wanted to help me with dinner?"

An expression flickers across Roman's face, too quick to name, before he's smiling and bowing. "It would be my honor, lead the way."

At least he's alright enough for that. Patton goes over to the kitchen, Roman behind him, and reaches for the large pot at the back of the stove. "I was thinking we could try that new pasta dish that Virgil's been asking about? The one Thomas saw on that YouTube video?"

"The one with all the spices and garlic and stuff?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"I don't remember if we have all the ingredients we need, but I'm definitely down to try." Roman opens a cabinet and starts taking bottles down from the shelf. "We can also definitely tweak the recipe to make sure that we can do the important parts, we just have to be careful that—"

"Uh, Roman?"

Roman pauses, turning to look over his shoulder, still holding a jar. "Yeah?"

"I, uh, I did this last week, I know what spices we have. I figured this out, you don't have to tell me how to do it."

Again, that expression flickers over his face and he quickly sets down the jar and takes a big step away from the counter. "Right, right, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I just wanted to—no, I'm not gonna make an excuse. I'm sorry, Patton, I'll listen."

"It's fine, kiddo, I know you didn't mean it." Patton holds out the pot. "Can you fill this with water?"

"Of course!"

They start prepping, Patton providing little instructions and Roman carrying them out. He chops the shallots, the green onions, and sets the sausage to the side to be cooked first. By the time they're ready to start the actual cooking, Patton's got the water boiling for the rice noodles when Roman looks over his shoulder.

"Um, what are you doing?"

"Cooking the noodles, that's it."

"But they're—sorry, aren't they supposed to be cooked later?"

"We need them ready to add to the rest of the stuff near the end, kiddo, so they have to be ready."

"But they only take a few minutes." When Patton frowns, just thinking Roman's words over, Roman hastily continues. "Sorry, I'm sure you know that already. Here, I'll, uh, would it be helpful if I got a bowl out to put them in once they're done?"

"Yeah, that'd be great."

He catches that expression on Roman's face again, and again it vanishes too quickly for him to ask about, but the rest of the cooking goes off without a hitch. They get a lot of compliments on how good everything tastes and Patton makes sure Roman gets as much of the praise as he does.

"I just listened to you," Roman demurs, "it's really all you."

"It seems not only have you cooked a spectacular dish," Logan observes, "but you've also taught Roman some humility."

Virgil snorts. "'Bout time."

Roman smiles as the rest of them laugh. Patton takes another bite. "This is even better than last time."

"Last time," Roman says quietly, "sorry, can you—when was last time?"

"Sheesh, Princey, how bad is your memory getting? It was just last week?"

"Last week, right."

Patton opens his mouth to ask why Roman still sounds unsure about it, but then Remus throws one of the prawn shells at Janus and he doesn't think about it anymore.

3.

"Easy, now," Roman murmurs, still stroking his hand up and down Virgil's spine, "that's it…you're doing really well, shadow-ling."

Virgil closes his eyes, resting against Roman's solid chest as the last of the panic attack bleeds from his veins. His breathing has yet to even out, but he can start to smell some of Princey's shampoo again, so he takes it as a win. He'll deny it later, but he turns his head to nuzzle into the crook of Roman's neck. Roman doesn't say a single thing, just shifting his grip to hold Virgil more securely in his lap.

"Hey," he says gently when Virgil headbutts his chin, "you here with me, bud?"

"Mmpf."

Roman's chuckle thrums warmly through his head. "I'll take that as a 'sort of.'"

Half of Virgil expects Roman to gently prod him into taking care of himself the rest of the way: getting him water, making him try and eat a little, getting him out of the gross and sweaty clothes into clean ones, even trying to talk him into taking a shower. And he'd do it, putting up his cursory protests, but that would mean that Roman's getting ready to leave and right now, in the last of the panic, he really wants Princey to stay.

He'd deny it if Roman ever asked him, of course, and he'd throttle Janus before he could chirp how much of a lie that was.

But Roman doesn't do that. Instead, he wraps his arms even more gently around Virgil and tucks him half over his shoulder, almost straddling his lap as one of his hands begins to card through his hair. Pressed chest to chest, he has to stifle another hitching gasp as Princey starts humming. It's a low and gentle tune, almost melancholy, and he swears it's some kind of magic as it reaches into the exhausted heap of emotions still swirling in his gut and starts coaxing it out of him.

Yeah, that means he goes back to crying into Princey's shoulder, but it's a softer cry that feels like he might actually feel better when it's over and he has no idea how Roman knows exactly what to do.

He's not gonna question it though.

There's no way the song Princey's humming is as long as he holds him for, so he must be doing it over and over, which just makes Virgil cry more because Roman is choosing to stay with him right now, he's choosing to let Virgil be a puddle of mess on his lap, and he's still running his fingers lightly over Virgil's back and yes, actually, Virgil would like to stay here forever.

When the tears eventually run out and Virgil's just floating there, in a really pleasant haze, he realizes that Roman isn't going to move until Virgil decides he wants to move. Not when he's just shifting so it's easier for Virgil to breathe, and he's still scratching gently along the space between his shoulder blades.

"…Princey?"

"Hm?"

"How'd…how'd you know what to do?"

Roman turns and noses Virgil's hair. "You told me, remember?"

Virgil's tired brain tries to figure out when he gave Roman the step-by-step on how to give him the best, most indulgent comfort ever and draws a blank. "No. I—when'd I do that?"

Roman's hand stutters for a moment, just a moment, but a moment nonetheless. "Maybe I just figured out why it took me so long to realize what you needed, then."

Talking is hard, and so Virgil doesn't do it, but he does think about it.

4.

"It's not that bizarre of an opinion, to be sure, but the way it's phrased speaks more of an incomplete understanding of the topic than they intended."

"No, I see your point. I mean, I know I'm definitely biased and reading sentences like that tends to make me defensive, but I know that, and I'm trying to work on it." Roman pinches the bridge of his nose. "I think it's just hard because when you make such sweeping generalizations that imply that you really don't know what it is you're talking about, it's hard for me to not be super defensive and stuff, does that make sense?"

"It's another area for you to work on—"

"Yeah, I know."

"—but I see your point. If someone doesn't come to the table in good faith, it's difficult to have good faith yourself." Logan sits back, still pondering the opinion piece in front of them. "Though it is clear they lack the same kind of expertise and knowledge that you do."

"I think that's also why it's hard for me—I can list, like, four different examples offhand that would disprove their point, and at least half a dozen more that show the contradictions they've made in the last paragraph alone—like, I'm not alone here, that part contradicts their point about pacing, doesn't it?"

"Not entirely, but yes, it lends an ambiguity to their earlier statement."

"Right." Roman rubs his forehead and flips through his notebook, brow furrowed. "I swear I remember when we talked about academic continuity, I just need to find that page."

Logan frowns. "When we what?"

Roman looks up, brow furrowed. "When we talked about…you know, the importance of making sure your argument—or your point, sorry—carries through your entire piece?"

"I don't recall that conversation."

"You, um—" Roman starts flipping through his notebook, his movements taking on an increasingly frenetic pace— "you brought one of my papers to me that we talked about and you started going through the um, the problems with the layout and we started talking about the importance of—I swear it's in here, I just need to find it."

Logan sits forward, his brow increasingly furrowing as Roman almost tears a page trying to turn it. "Roman, it's—"

"Here." Roman runs his finger down the page, still not meeting Logan's gaze, "we talked about how it's important to have a coherent theme that the reader can follow and how to acknowledge conflicting viewpoints without placing them in a hierarchy."

Logan blinks. That does sound like a conversation that he and Roman would have—one that he believes he'd rather enjoy—but he has no recollection of it. Roman's expression flickers when he says as much, something almost like panic rising in his gaze before it's quickly stifled.

"Well," he says, forcing a smile onto his face, "perhaps I was just reading it back over and imagined what you'd say."

"I quite like this imaginary version of me, then," Logan jokes, "he makes excellent points."

Roman's reaction is not quite a flinch, but his smile squeezes for a moment too long before he nods.

"Would you mind having it again," Logan asks, "for the sake of—?"

"Oh, I couldn't do it justice," Roman says a little too quickly, "but you, um, you can read it? If you want?"

Logan blinks again, surprise coloring his voice. "You'd let me read your notes?"

"…if…if you want to?"

Waiting for Roman to retract that invitation at any moment—he has never seen Roman fiercer than when something touches his notebooks—Logan reaches out and carefully starts to read. The conversation's transcript—or summary—is fascinating. He finds himself almost mourning the fact that this wasn't a conversation he'd actually had. Although some of the comments that he can tell are his are a touch more callous than he'd prefer, he finds himself engrossed in their dialogue until he gets to the latter half.

Roman's handwriting grows sloppy, as it is wont to do when he gets caught up, but there are occasional splotches of discoloration where it looks like something wet.

"Oh, I was drinking something," Roman says offhandedly when Logan asks, "must've spillled."

"I'm surprised you'd drink around your notebooks, you take such care of them."

"Well, you know me."

Before Logan can point out that he does, that's why he's confused, Roman's saying that he's sorry, but he's a little worn out, would Logan mind terribly if they cut this short a bit? Logan shakes his head and watches Roman pick up his notebook, walking out of his room. That moment of panic lingers in his mind and he frowns, wondering why Roman had panicked.

He thinks about that and the drops of liquid that had obscured a line in Roman's handwriting that just said cut.

5.

Janus hears Roman lie over and over again and he's about to break something.

Every time, he has to hold back his visible surprise that one, Roman is lying so readily, and two, that he's getting away with it. The little prince is a better actor than Janus gave him credit for—than any of them gave him credit for, as it's turning out—and the more times it happens, the more Janus thinks that something right under their noses is going terribly, horribly wrong.

The lies aren't big enough for them to be problems on their own, but they stack on top of each other like pebbles until it feels as though Janus blinks one day and there's a wall between Roman and the rest of them that seems insurmountable. And each time another adds to the mass, he thinks about calling it out, but they're never for something so serious as to warrant a full interrogation and the last thing he wants to do is let Roman know he's suspicious of him.

…it sounds much worse than it is.

It's just that if Roman is this good about keeping everyone off his tail right now, with almost no baseline suspicion or cause for concern, he has no desire to see what would happen if Roman was intent on keeping it a secret. And if he is going to succeed in uncovering why Roman feels so fundamentally scared, something Virgil only admitted after Janus had poked and prodded him for far too long, then he needs all of the rest of them on his side too.

His opportunity comes unexpectedly.

They're having a meeting—not a meeting meeting, they're just talking about what they want to do this weekend—and Roman brings up a conversation they'd had about making sure movie nights were comfortable for everyone. Talking about possible triggers beforehand, making sure everyone had equal access to whatever snacks they wanted, even down to making sure everyone behaved considerately while the movie was playing to ensure everyone was having a good time.

A perfectly reasonable thing to bring up, except that conversation never happened.

"What?" Roman looks around. "Are—it did, I swear. We were—we were getting ready to watch the second Venom movie and Remus brought up the body horror and gore that happens and we started talking about—"

He looks around at them all again.

"Do…do none of you remember this?"

"No, kiddo."

"Not really."

"It would be a good conversation to have, but I don't remember this instance of it."

Remus and Janus just shake their heads, Janus keeping his eyes on Roman as he fiddles with his hands.

Don't lie, Roman, please.

"Sorry," Roman says, flashing a bright smile, "must be getting lost in my Imagination again."

Janus narrows his eyes—not technically a lie, but Roman's leaving something out. For a moment, it seems like the conversation will keep flowing and he'll have to wait for a better time to ask Roman what's wrong, but then Patton's speaking up.

"Kiddo?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

Roman laughs. "Yeah, of course, Padre, why wouldn't I be?"

Lie. Janus hisses softly and Roman's head jerks around.

"What's the matter," Logan asks, and Roman jerks again at the gentle tone, "will you talk to us, Roman?"

"You've been acting a little strange for a while now," Patton agrees, taking a step closer, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah, like I said," Roman tries, a smile still sort of on his face, "everything's fine, why are you—"

Janus hisses again as Virgil sits up. "Princey, you don't have to be scared, you can—"

"I'm not scared!"

The stronger lie sears across Janus's tongue as Roman winces at the force of his own shout. He pinches the bridge of his nose. No one dares move for several long seconds. Just when Logan looks like he's about to say something, Roman takes a deep breath and lowers his head.

"I'm sorry," he says in a voice that sounds so mournful it makes Janus's chest ache, "I didn't mean to shout or snap at you. You didn't deserve it, I'm sorry. I think I—I've just been spending too much time in the Imagination again."

As soon as he finishes talking, he braces. Like he's expecting to get hit. He hears Remus make a worried noise next to him, starting to reach out.

"Little one," Logan says gently, "we're not angry with you, there's no need for all of that."

Roman's eyes snap open and at the look of pure confusion on his face, a few more of them let out little sounds. Virgil stands up and Roman turns too quickly to face him.

"Hey, Princey," Virgil soothes, his hands up, "I'm not moving, okay? I'm just worried. You're—I can feel you freaking out a little that's all."

"Sweetheart," Patton calls next and Janus winces at how much Roman's neck keeps snapping back and forth, "sweetheart, it's okay, you're safe, it's gonna be okay."

"Back off a bit, we're crowding him."

All of them—except for Remus—take a step back. Remus edges closer and closer to Roman until he can rest a hand on Roman's shoulder. Roman just trembles and Remus cups the side of his face.

"Hey, Roro. Look at me. Just at me, okay?"

"I don't—this wasn't—"

"Breathe," Remus bids softly, and Roman draws a few gasping breaths.

"This wasn't supposed to happen."

"What wasn't?"

"This—I—I don't—"

Remus opens his mouth to say something else when it morphs into a wordless sound of surprise as Roman sinks out abruptly, leaving him scrabbling at the empty air as the rest of them rush forward.

"What happened?"

"Where'd he go?"

"Did we do something to upset him?"

"What's going on?"

Janus doesn't say anything, still staring at the spot where Roman had been. He thinks about all of the lies he's heard, all of the things Roman hasn't said, and how out of all of the things Roman lied about, he'd never lied about being lost in the Imagination.

A conclusion starts to take shape.

+1.

"No wonder you've been so off, your head hasn't been attached to you since you lost it."

"It's a bad idea to spend so much time in the Imagination, Roman, you know that."

"That sounds really irresponsible, Roman. You should know better."

"Quit hogging the Imagination, I need to use it too."

"Oh, of course you were, Roman, did you honestly think we'd expected anything different?"

"You need to be better disciplined, if you can't get the work done you need to before deciding to go off and play."

"Sheesh, Princey, are you really that selfish?"

"If it's getting so bad that you're having delusions, then you need to stop, kiddo."

"Oh, no, Roman's having trouble understanding what's real again."

"The fuck is wrong with you?"

"You're being dramatic, pull yourself together."

"Your crocodile tears aren't convincing anyone, you know."

"Stop crying, you're not a baby."

"Do you think that if you throw a big or pathetic enough tantrum, it'll get us to spoil you? Grow up."

"Stupid."

"Ridiculous."

"Pathetic."

"Annoying."

"Worthless."

"You can't do anything right."

"You're being ridiculous."

"We should never have relied on you."

"I knew you couldn't handle it."

"We're better off without you."

Roman curls up around his pillow, wedging himself deeper into the corner. He jams his face between it and the wall. He tries to keep his hands out of sight. He counts in his head as he breathes, trying to keep it as even as possible. Eventually it will be over. He just has to last until then. Then he can go to his room and cuddle his plushie dragon and be upset there, out of the way, and hurt all by himself. It's safer that way.

He keeps his breathing nice and steady, letting the hurt course through him. The voices keep going, taunting, mocking, yelling, scolding, until they start to just say his name over and over. Roman, Roman, Roman, Roman—

"Roman!"

Something like a frenzied scream comes from behind him and he turns his face deeper into the wall.

"What the fuck are those things?"

"Shit, how long have those been here?"

"Are they—are they supposed to be us?"

"Yeah, fucked up and cruel versions of us, not on my fucking watch!"

Several wet splats come from behind him and then there are hands on his shoulder, running through his hair, and someone that feels like Remus is murmuring in his ear.

"Hey, Roro, it's over. I destroyed them, they're gone, it's the real us. We're here, we're really here, just—just come out of there, okay?"

Oh. It's this one.

He always finds this one the cruelest, where they lure him in with promises of comfort and safety only to turn on him when he reveals what he's actually upset about. No, thank you, he's hurting just fine on his own.

"Roro, please, come out of there, it's okay, it's all gonna be okay."

"Let me try," he hears Logan's voice say, and then the Remus is moving away and there's another hand on his shoulder, "dear, it's alright. You're going to give yourself neck pain if you stay like that, come here…"

Despite his chest howling at him not to, Roman lets Logan coax him out from the corner. Each word of gentle praise just makes it worse—it's going to hurt so much when they start being mean again.

"Princey—" and there's Virgil— "hey, stay with us, okay? Just focus on us, Pat, do you want to—"

"I got it."

Despite himself, a wounded noise leaves Roman's throat as a blanket gets draped over his shoulders. Careful touches smooth it down, more hands helping to secure it in place, and he just curls up so small under it so he doesn't get used to the warmth.

Just get it over with. Just get it over with. Just get it over with.

"Sweetie," he hears, and flinches at the touch of a smooth hand and a scaled hand on his face.

Wait, what?

Janus never takes his gloves off. Not here. Not like this. They can't—they can't be this cruel to him, not today, not when everything already hurts so much.

"Cut," he manages, "cut."

But the hands don't leave and he looks up to see Janus, actual real Janus looking at him and then he smiles softly and calls him sweetie again, and then Logan is appearing over his shoulder and Patton's adjusting the blanket and Virgil and Remus are keeping watch at the corners of the room and—and—and—

"Come here, sweetie," Janus murmurs and he's falling into his chest and there's a kiss being pressed to his temple and it's warm and soft and—

"Shh, Princey," Virgil says as a thread of panic starts to wind its way around his chest, "it's okay, you're okay," and—

"Come this way a little," Logan coaxes as something soft appears under him, "come lie down, you're alright," and—

"There you are," Patton's voice says as something starts to cuddle him, gently yet firmly and it's so surreal and—

"Oh, Roro," Remus mumbles as his brother's arms wrap firmly around him, "this is real, I promise, I promise we're here with you, everything's gonna be okay, okay? We're here, we're real, you're real, everything's gonna be okay now," and—

—and then Roman doesn't think anymore.

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#dragonbabbles #fic #sanders sides #roman sanders #roman sanders angst #roman angst #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #janus sanders #deciet sanders #sympathetic deceit #patton sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders

[mysisypheannightmare]

Confrontation

Word Count: 853

Warnings: Sides acting unsympathetic

--

The deadline had passed.

He made attempts but ultimately failed to progress on his own personal issues, resulting only in detriment to Thomas and the other sides.

He had then waited, not notifying anyone of this surpassed deadline, knowing he couldn't burden the others, only to soon find he'd burdened them anyway.

Neither solution had provided reprieve, and he'd only continued his stagnation, the very issue he'd been attempting to resolve.

They were tired of waiting on him.

The others had worked hard to improve themselves, listening closer to Thomas' needs and wants. They had learned how to better work with each other, and had phenomenally increased their productivity to complete what must be done for Thomas.

It was understandable that their patience with Logan would run out eventually, especially once the deadline had come and gone, but he hadn't been prepared for what would come to pass when it did.

--

"You can't expect to run this whole show by yourself!" Roman proclaimed, "We're not going to bend over backwards to satisfy your impossible standards, you pretentious egocentric nerd!"

Logan grimaced.

"Egocentric?"

With only one word, one reaction, a loud and energetic jumble of voices from the other sides chided him, all yelling over each other to hound him for his misgivings.

"Stop acting like you're the only one who knows anything around here!"

"Can't you just shut up and listen to us for once?"

"Mocking him isn't going to get you what you want, Logan. We're all adults here, so we should act like it."

Logan kept his mouth firmly shut. They had a lot to say and they were right, so he should do his best to listen for now. While he'd admit it would be easier to do so if they would try taking turns, he couldn't exactly blame them for reacting emotionally. He'd long since crossed a line with them, and this was an understandable and deserving response to his negligent behavior.

"Oh, are we dog-piling in here? Do let me join in!"

Logan continued to hold his tongue as two more sides joined the... Could it really be called a discussion? Likely not.

"Finally had your fill at the top then, hm? Moved on down the rung to micromanage us, too, have you?"

Logan pursed his lips but kept silent, as they all clearly need of him.

Then, Roman scoffed louder than all the others' remarks, and for a moment, Logan believed the yelling was about to be over. But as he met Roman's gaze, he knew he was wrong to think such a thing.

Roman looked furious. Logan, unfortunately, recognized such an expression as he'd seen it staring him in the mirror upon far too many occasions.

"Why do we even bother?" Roman spat, his words stinging like fire in Logan's ears as he spoke. "You think you're better than us. Better than all of us!

"Well, if you're not gonna listen to our advice, then why don't you just shrivel up and rot somewhere all alone, like you're clearly so inclined!"

Like he's so inclined? Logan blinked in confusion, trying desperately not to react to such a suggestion.

They recognized his failure to improve, and he notated they were giving advice, but surely this was not a genuine suggestion, right?

This could not possibly be their solution to the problem of his stagnation, could it?

He glanced at the other sides, even Janus, only to see a resigned and tired look in everyone's eyes.

So, it was true.

It was an actual suggestion, then.

Logan took a steadying breath. He could handle that, he knew he could. This was probably just an emotionally-charged response and could be resolved in very little time if he simply--

Roman shifted his stance in front of him, completely resetting Logan's thought process.

No, he reminded himself, they had marked this as advice and Logan had already failed them. It would be improper at this stage to refute or deny their words.

They were right, and he needed to listen.

He took a quiet step back, debating whether to speak in this moment or not. Would it better to give his confirmation or would they prefer the validation of their efforts through his actions?

He didn't need to ponder long. The answer was clear.

He sunk out. He knew what he needed to do.

--

"I thought you said that was supposed to work?!" Roman had instantly turned to where both his brother and Janus were standing. "He didn't do anything! He just stood there!"

Janus sighed, a gloved hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Apparently he's lost any will to fight. He was supposed to at least get angry, but--"

"Angry?" Patton chimed in, frowning deeply. "But, well, he didn't look angry in the slightest! He looked like...like..."

"Like he expected this," Virgil supplied, slumping into his hoodie like he wanted to disappear.

"Uh-oh!" Remus grinned. "Looks like y'all were a little too honest and he got that picture loud and clear!"

Roman sighed dramatically, balling his hands into fists.

"Well... shit."

#logan sanders #logan angst #sanders sides #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #fanfiction #another one that i wrote back in june in 2022 but never posted bc it didnt go with any fic collections i currently had going #oh well

[tss-whumper]

tss kidnapped au

this is the summary of my tss kidnapped au!

(cw -> kidnapping, c-ptsd, abusive parents, physical abuse, violence, emotional abuse, ransom, captivity, past bullying)

roman was a spoiled brat and a bully. from kindergarten all the way to the tenth grade, he always got everything he wanted, and his powerful politician parents had enough money to buy him an entire country if they wanted to. with his influence and money, roman terrorized other children, making fun of them for not being able to afford name brand clothes, recording them crying and posting it to his very active social media accounts, and overall just making their days at school a living hell. he doesn't get violent, not wanting to dirty his dainty hands, but he has others do his dirty work for him, rewarding them with money and the like.

and his most prominent victim is virgil: a small, shy boy his age who obviously is very poor. virgil's life has been made a living hell by roman, and he dreads going to school because of it.

until roman gets kidnapped.

virgil is free, but at what cost? without roman to stifle him, he becomes more confident, coming into his own and finding his voice. but in the back of his mind, he can't help but worry about roman, at the mercy of dangerous men who have done way worse than the fifteen-year-old spoiled brat was ever capable of.

when roman gets rescued two years later, he’s a completely new person. years of torment did something to him. he never brags, never says rude things anymore. he's changed drastically, but was it really for the better? or really for the worse?

virgil is torn, but he decides to help roman out, seeing that everybody else is too scared to approach the fallen monarch. maybe this is his way of getting closure, of letting roman's reign of terror come to an end by shaking hands and declaring a truce.

as the two get to know each other better, as friends instead of enemies, roman learns just how awful virgil's life was, even without roman's torment in the way. virgil's parents were terrible to him, and they ended up going to jail for child abuse/endangerment. and virgil finds out what roman's time with the kidnappers was like: nonstop abuse and terror, and heartbreak because his parents valued their power more than his safety. the two slowly understand each other more and more, and start to become genuine friends more so than stranded kids helping each other through a tough situation.

#sanders sides #tss #roman sanders #thomas sanders #tss roman #whump writing #whump community #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fic #tss virgil #virgil sanders #sanders sides roman #sanders sides virgil #roman angst #roman sanders angst #virgil angst #virgil sanders angst #sanders sides au #sanders sides whump #tss whumper aus #tss whumper ideas #kidnapping #c-ptsd #ptsd #abusive parents #abuse #child abuse #physical abuse #bullying

[typically-untypical]

On the Outside

AU: Merpeople

CW: Blood and Injury, Janus Angst

WC: 3,753

Date: 12/10/2023

The ceremony was beautiful. It was everything Janus had come to expect from Roman, grand, extravagant, and beautiful. Logan, despite his attempts to remain stoic, was ever the blushing sacrifice, his life made into a promise to love and to cherish their king. Janus turned from the sight, and swam away unable to watch for another moment. First it had been Virgil, always Janus' antagonist, always so afraid of failure. Janus had fallen in love with the way he protected others, with the sarcastic wit he used to hide his insecurities. Janus had fallen in love with Virgil, and Virgil had fallen in love with the king. 

Apparently, Roman was the adventurous type, always attempting to escape his duties as monarch of their fair city, always running from the coral spires that they called a palace. He and Virgil had met on one of those outings and had bonded. At first, Janus didn't think anything would come of it, the two were constantly arguing, constantly fighting, then the day came when he saw them. They were making out behind the jeweler's shop and when they separated for more than an inch, Virgil's eyes were filled with so much love. 

Janus had swallowed his feelings and moved on, refusing to pull himself into a situation where he would get hurt. Janus was smart enough to know he didn't have a chance against a king, and if he had made a move beforehand, it would have only made things strained between them. So he let go. He let go of his best childhood friend. He let go of the first mer he loved. He moved on.

Virgil became the king's first sacrifice, a title denoting the life Virgil would have to sacrifice to be by Roman's side, the people he would sacrifice. It also denoted Roman's sacrifice of safety. When a king announced he loved someone so publicly, it gave his enemies a target, a manipulative tool. There were many mer that would use any opportunity they could to take advantage of the king, and having a beloved, having a sacrifice, meant opening up one more avenue for manipulation and treason. The title of sacrifice was a reminder, and a promise.

Despite that, Virgil didn't leave them behind. He still visited whenever he got the chance. He made excuse after excuse to come see Janus and Logan, often times Roman would come along and Janus would play the part of a gracious host. He couldn't deny the king was good looking, but he was not a fan of the way he strutted about as if he owned the place. He did own the place, in a manner of speaking, but it still pissed Janus off. Though, that wasn't the full truth either, was it. Janus had been jealous, jealous of the way Roman would flirt with Logan, jealous of the way Logan looked at Roman and Virgil. It had been naïve to hope, but Janus had thought, with Virgil gone, he might finally make a move on Logan. It was the two of them, and they had been able to take solace in each other. 

That hadn't lasted long. Janus had watched quietly as Roman flustered Logan, spun him around in circles until he could only look forward. Janus had watched as Virgil pulled Logan out of his shell. He even answered Logan's questions when he asked about emotions. Janus had watched it all fall apart, sitting by and not saying a thing as Roman took one more person away from him. The ceremony had been the final straw. Janus hadn't been able to watch as Virgil and Roman kissed and spoiled Logan, not when he wanted to be in Logan's place, not when he wanted to be by Logan's side.

They didn't visit as often anymore, especially when Janus started making excuses, reasons why he couldn't see them, lies to hide his pain. Eventually, they stopped coming altogether, and it was easier that way. He moved from the coral spire he had shared with Logan and Virgil to something much smaller, something further from the palace. He left his job on the tribunal, no longer wanting to present cases in front of the three people he couldn't have. He focused on hunting, relying on old skills he had used as a guppy, as a survivor. He could still do it. He could still take care of himself. He hadn't grown soft in the light of Logan and Virgil's smiles.

They would hate to see him doing this again. This job was so dangerous. The hunter could easily become the hunted if one wasn't careful, and even if one was, a single misstep could throw everything off. Janus had barely made it back from the hunt with no prey to show for his efforts. His tail was missing patches to scales, scraped, broken and bleeding. It hurt to swim but what other choice did he have? He wasn't going to just lay down in the sand and die. That wasn't his style. If he was going to die it would at least be where it was comfortable. 

Somehow he made it home, leaving a trail of thick black blood in his wake. He hoped nothing else out there wanted to hunt him, because it would be far too easy to follow his trail, at least until the tide changed.

"Just swell," He muttered to himself and the empty house around him. He had been lonely without the others. He had thought the smaller house would help. It hadn't. The loneliness persisted despite the confined space. "What a warm home I've created." He rolled his eyes, swimming over to his bed of kelp and lowering himself slowly into it. He should probably tend to his wounds, but he also was too tired to move. He would take care of it later. He would take care of it when he woke up.

[Section Break]

Virgil couldn't help but swim laps across his room, trying to figure out exactly where things had gone wrong. He knew Logan was watching him but he didn't really care at this point. In fact, Logan could probably provide some perspective. "He hates us." Virgil said, knowing it wasn't true but also knowing Logan would help him out of his spiral.

"I highly doubt Janus hates us, though I also find him pushing us away a bit strange." 

That wasn't what Virgil was expecting. He didn't think Logan would actually agree that something was wrong. He figured he was just being overly anxious but he needed someone to talk him through it. Logan looked back at him and sighed, slowly swimming over to him, setting down his book. "Come here, angelfish," He whispered before pulling Virgil into a hug. "We've given him a bit of space, but how about we go check on him? Just the two of us? That might help considering his walls seem to come up when Roman is around."

"Yeah, cool, I could get behind that... but do you think it's safe? We haven't been out of the castle without guards since before we were with Ro."

"Safe or not, I feel like visiting Janus will help calm your nerves. Also, we won't be long, and we won't be far. Janus lives near the palace so we should still be in a protected area." 

It only took him a few seconds to agree. Virgil needed to see Janus again, to make sure he was okay. Something felt off and he was desperate to fix whatever it was. "Maybe we should take one guard, just to be safe?"

Logan nodded, "I think that's a wise decision. Let's go ask someone, assuming you're ready to go."

"Yeah, yeah I'm ready." He had been ready days ago but he couldn't tell Logan that. Now was good. 

It was a beautiful day for a swim around town, the temperature was nice and Virgil began to relax almost immediately after they were out of the palace. Maybe he had just been cooped up too long, being a King's sacrifice, especially Roman's they were always so well protected. It was sweet, but it was also increasingly stressful. Virgil liked to have more control of his surroundings and often he felt he didn't have that in the palace. It had been easier back when they went on regular visits, back when Logan and Janus still lived together. It had been so awkward trying to introduce Roman to Janus, he had seemed different, at arms length almost and after the ceremony with Logan it had gotten even worse. Virgil didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know how to just come out and let Janus know that he was in love, and he desperately wanted to let Janus know because things didn't feel complete without him.

"This is odd," Logan whispered looking at the name plates posted in front of the coral.

"What's odd?"

"I don't see our names, or Janus' for that matter." 

Virgil felt himself grow faint as the anxiety once again took hold of him, ice water running through his mid sea veins. "That can't be right. Why would Janus move out of the place we had together?" Virgil began to drag Logan toward the property managers office she would know what was going on.

"Luna, bitch, where's Janus? His name isn't listed anymore." 

The lion fish looked over at Virgil before giving him a wide smile, her spines flaring out. "Virgil! Big shot finally comes to visit me and only asks about his ex. How rude!"

"He's not my ex," Virgil blushed a bit, reaching out for Logan's hand, holding it tightly.

"Could have fooled me with the way you three were always flirting. It was a bit sad when he was left here alone. Anyway, told me the place was too big for just him so he moved out, probably about three months ago now." 

Three months, had it really been three months since they had last visited him? They both knew he wanted space but that was too much space. "Did the fucker tell you where he was moving to?" Virgil tried to smile, tried to keep his anxiety from showing, it was a trick he had learned from Janus, but he wasn't nearly as good at it as Janus had been. 

"Yeah, chill, I'll get you an address. And if you're gonna win him over might I suggest some nice sea glass? Showing up empty handed is a major no-no." She pulled out an oil pencil and wrote Janus' new address on Virgil's free hand. "He's near the outskirts of town so you have time to think of something nice before you get there.

"We appreciate the help, Luna," Logan said, far calmer than Virgil had been able to pretend he was. 

"The outskirts, there's nothing out there but danger. Fuck, do you think he went back to hunting? I swear if that idiot got himself hurt again I'm going to put him in the dungeon just to keep him safe."

"I'm sure he's fine," Logan whispered, pulling Virgil in closer. "Janus is intelligent. He isn't the kind to take unnecessary risks." They should have known something was up when Janus left his position on the tribunal. He had loved that job and wasn't that one of the first signs that something was wrong, abandoning the things you loved and cared about?

"Lo, I need to you talk me down, okay? I'm spiraling pretty bad. What if he's dead? What if he got eaten? What if we never see him again?"

Logan squeezed his hand and they continued to move forward, neither of them wanting to risk the possibility that Janus needed them and they weren't there. "As I said, Janus is very intelligent. I doubt he would get himself into a situation where he needed our help so dramatically that he couldn't ask for it."

"Right, right," Virgil whispered, still clinging to Logan.

"Also, between the three of us we have a very wide set of skills. In the past we have been able to handle many different challenges because of this. I don't believe there are many things in this ocean that we can't handle together. Also, we have the king's resources at our disposal now." He kept his voice gentle and Virgil was thankful. Logan had always been able to help him calm down, but still, right now, everything felt off.

As they got closer to the small hut Janus was supposedly staying in, the sea around them looked darker and Virgil shivered a bit. "Of course Janus would live somewhere creepy. He was all about that aesthetic and vibe." Virgil was sure he wasn't hiding how worried he was, but he was still trying. He was trying to give himself some kind of sense of normalcy.

"It does seem like his style," Logan responded, but he also squeezed Virgil's hand tightly. The darkness grew as they got closer and they both realized what was happening at the same time. Logan turned to the guard who had been following them. "Go back to the palace, get a physician here immediately, and inform king Roman of where we are and what we are doing." He then let go of Virgil's hand and swam toward the darkened water, entering the house without bothering for permission. He pushed the kelp away until he saw Janus' body, curled tightly around a slowly seeping wound. He took in a quick breath before immediately starting on first aid. Virgil wasn't sure what to do or how to handle this. It was like watching his worst nightmares come into reality.

"Virgil," Logan called, "Open up his nearest heat vent and get us some broth cooking. He's going to need something to eat or he will never regain his strength." 

"Right?" He could do with instructions. All he needed to do was focus on the instructions he was being given. He could do this.

Time passed by too slowly and too quickly at the same time. Virgil managed to get the broth together and Logan was able to get Janus conscious enough to drink a bit but he faded again shortly after that. It was all a blur and when Roman showed up with the physician, Virgil almost broke down. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to be how it worked out.

[Section Break]

Janus woke up far more comfortably than he thought he would. The temperature was a little cool but less than he thought it would be considering where he lived. Even the kelp felt more comfortable than normal. He shifted and cracked his eyes open taking in his surroundings. It took him all of a second to realize he wasn't at home. Slowly twisting his head to get a better view, his eyes landed on a familiar red tail. The king was asleep, and Janus was most likely in a hospital. Shit, he hadn't expected to be found much less by the king. At least he was hoping he had been found by the king. Janus knew how bad it would be if it had been Logan or Virgil who had found him in that state and he was doing everything he could to deny that possibility. 

"Ah, you're awake," Roman said, shifting to be a bit closer. Apparently he wasn't sleeping as much as Janus thought he was. "You have worried my beloveds." Roman watched Janus before sighing and sitting back a bit. They were both silent, neither sure what to say to the other. Janus was just about to ask when he could leave, when Roman spoke, his deep voice reverberating in the waves. 

"I don't understand you," He said quietly. "You've quit a job you liked, moved to a place where you were alone, I am all for the drama and the adventure but this seems like a bit much. Were you intending on hurting the two of them? Was your grand plan to die alone only for them to hear news of your passing years later."

Janus wanted to answer no, but in a way, he was. He had wanted to push them away, because it hurt to be around them. It was better if they were allowed to focus on themselves and on their new happy life. "I was doing what needed to be done." Janus shrugged, wincing when he moved. Okay, maybe he was more injured than he originally thought he was and he didn't want to die. He just... wanted things he couldn't have.

"And what needed to be done?" Roman asked, "Getting yourself killed?"

"Getting away from you," Janus retorted before his brain could stop his mouth. He hated losing his cool but sometimes it was so hard to resist. "I didn't have any plans to stick around and watch you play house with the two men I'm in love with. That isn't my idea of a good time."

"Whoa whoa whoa, slow down. That is a lot to wrap my head around. First off, you love them, and I knew it. No one get that upset so suddenly unless there are some major feelings involved. It's so romantic, the three of you living under the same ocean only to miss each other, but what I'm not understanding is why you had such a problem with me. Or why you didn't just ask me not to come by so you could confess without me being in the way?"

Janus rubbed his face gently fighting the urge to groan. "Well I certainly wasn't going to tell the king what to do, but on top of that, they made their position fairly clear. They were yours." He turned to look at Roman and he watched a look of surprise cross the king's face, eyes wide and gills flared. "I have no intention of getting in the way of their future and their happiness."

"You..." Roman started, voice choked as he gained his composure, brushing the sides of his cheek which had gained a bit of color. "You're an idiot." 

Janus stopped, surprise crossing his own face. He focused on the king, attempting to understand what Roman had intended with that response. He was at a loss. Thankfully the king had more to say, apparently.

"They love you, have you not noticed that? And I don't mean in the sense of friendship. Virgil's tail does the same thing when he talks with me, or with Logan as it does with you, the little curl of nervous excitement, and Logan is constantly adjusting his glasses attempting to be perfect in your eyes because if he's perfect, maybe you'll notice him."

Janus sputtered, "N-no. That's not, Virgil does that when he's comfortable with people and he is obviously comfortable with me we've been friends for more then two decades, and Logan, he does that when he's excited. It has nothing to do with how they feel about me. Obviously they are both comfortable around me, we're friends."

"Yep, you're an idiot." Roman began to rise. "The question is do you love them?" He watched Janus with an intensity that he didn't like, that he didn't know how to deal with. Janus had already admitted to loving them. What more did the king want? "I think that's the answer I was looking for." Roman stretched, giving Janus a smile that he didn't understand. "I doubt even if I were to prove it you would understand, but this will at least be entertaining for me." 

He started to swim off, leaving Janus alone in the room as he felt the exhaustion creeping up on him. He wasn't sure if it was from his healing injuries, the lack of food, or his conversation with the king. Either way, he wanted to rest. He could go back home after that, rethink his plan about how he wanted to proceed. Whatever he was doing wasn't working.

"Jay!" Virgil's voice echoed in the otherwise empty room interrupting Janus' plan for sleep. Immediately afterward, he felt the pressure of someone laying on top of him, obviously avoiding his injures with the careful precision that only Virgil was capable of.

"It's alright, Shadow. I can't be killed that easily. You know this," Janus whispered, gently running a hand through Virgil's hair, floating in the current they had created. Logan was by their side shortly after, looking down at the two of them.

"You had us worried." His voice was flat, but the way his hands were folded behind his back, no doubt hiding the way they shook, was exceedingly telling. There was a part of Janus that wanted to push them all away, to put up the walls he had meticulously built when they both became Roman's, but he was tired. Instead, he reached out an arm, inviting Logan in and the other man curled up by his side, wrapping his tail protectively over both Janus and Virgil. "I'm not letting you go again," Logan whispered it like a fact, like a truth that not even the gods could change.

"Sleep first, then we can discuss." Janus was trying to leave room for things to change. He didn't want to continue being an outsider looking in. It hurt too much to be near them and to not be theirs.

"No, no discussion." Logan's voice continued to hold that completely assured quality. "I have held my tongue long enough. I love you, and I believe you love me too." A slight waver, barely perceptible but still there. "And I'm not going to let you go. I won't lose you."

What could Janus say to that? When Logan made up his mind there wasn't much argument that could be had. It was strange, and he hadn't fully wrapped his head around the words Logan had said. When he woke up again, more rested and more lucid, he might have something interesting to say about Logan's confession. However, for now, he just closed his eyes.

"Alright, you won't lose me, but we still have things we need to discuss." He wrapped his arm around Logan's back, hand splayed against the other man's flesh. He was too tired for this discussion now, but they would have it soon.

"A worthy compromise," Logan whispered. "Good night Janus."

"Good Night," Virgil echoed and Janus didn't blush, of course he didn't, but his lips did curl into a soft smile as he listed to the two of them breathing.

"Good night."

Tag List: @simplestoryteller @fantasticfangirl21 @joylessnightsky @glacierruler @tsspromptmonth

#TSS Rare Gifts Event 2023 #Untypical Creations #Sanders Sides #Sanders Side fic #Fanfic #Virgil Sanders #Janus Sanders #Logan Sanders #Roman Sanders #merpeople #janus angst #hurt comfort

[lio-the-chaotic-nonbeanie-weenie]

Prince of Hearts

Summary: Each side has a special sight, allowing them to see things according to their function. Like Virgil being able to see fears and worries physically or in someone’s mind. Roman can see too. As the prince of romance, he can see his fellow sides’ hearts, able to know when they’re heartbroken or healing. He’s grateful only he can see hearts though. Roman’s own heart is broken and he has yet to let it heal so no one needs to see that yet.

(A/N: It took me a long time but I've finally written this idea down! I'm dedicating this to my lovely dear @enigmasalad who stuck with me when I wanted to rip my own heart out. Thank you for healing my heart, mi amor!)

Pairings: Prinxiety if you squint, BROTHERLY CREATIVITWINS

WARNINGS: slight mention of blood, implied gore but no actual gore, slight description of a cut

Each of the sides have a special sight. They each can see things according to their functions.

Logan can see the logic of things and the factual aspect of things, allowing him to learn here and there as well as guide those who need it. Patton can see the others’ inner warmth, allowing him to see who is cold and hurting and in need of warm love. Virgil can see fears and worries, able to detect what’s scaring or worrying his little family so he can fight them off.

Remus can see the worst and darkest of thoughts and sometimes it’s delightful while other times…it’s just kinda sad. Of course, Janus can see lies and truths and through disguises that aren’t his. He can tell when something is even the slightest bit off with a person or object.

And Roman? He can see hearts.

Roman not only handles Thomas’ creativity, but he’s also romance and passion manifested. So, he is able to see the others’ hearts. He can see who’s low on love and passion. He can see where they’re healing, where they’ve been broken, and its little cracks and scars.

Roman has seen all of the others’ hearts and he’s glad they’re all healing little by little after everything that’s happened. He can still remember the many times he’s seen those precious hearts falling apart in pain and in dark times.

Roman remembers Patton’s heart and how it would crack more and more as he bottled up his feelings. He remembers how it burst in the end and it came back together when Patton accepted that he wasn’t okay and took some time to heal.

Roman also remembers Logan’s heart and how slow his heartbreak was, the logical side too stubborn to admit his feelings. He recalls how the heart throbbed more and more, wanting to burst but ending up crumbling into tiny pieces instead before slowly reforming again as if it had stronger reinforcements.

Then there was the time Roman saw Virgil’s wounded heart pounding in worry and fear. He remembers feeling pity for the poor thing, seeing such a scarred heart. It made Roman wonder what Virgil had gone through.

Then Roman saw Janus’ heart and half of it was broken and the other half was scarred. It made Roman feel guilty, wondering if he did that or if Janus had his own dark past. And then there’s Remus. Roman was a bit surprised to see Remus even had a heart but that surprise turned into heavy guilt as he saw Remus’ heart. It was heavily scarred and broken…and it looked like it had been mended over and over.

Then there was Roman’s own heart. It was…well…It was the biggest out of everyone’s, full of passion and love for his work and his family. It was loud and pounded with bravery and joy, exuding the creative energy he uses every day. At least that’s how it used to be when everything was okay. Then things weren’t okay and they never were again.

Roman’s heart weakened and shrunk as if were hollow. Then it shattered loudly like glass. Roman hadn’t know what to do or who to ask so he repaired his own heart.

But just as he had healed it…his heart had been broken again. So the vicious and painful cycle started. His heart would get broken and he’d repair it again.

Over and over and over it continued until Roman grew tired of trying to repair his heart. He accepted that it was broken forever and it couldn’t be healed so he gave up trying, taking advantage of the fact that no one can even see it.

Sometimes though…Roman looks at his heart and wishes he could rip it out along with his real heart. It’s a thought Remus would be proud of and concerned about but it’s one thought Roman can’t stop thinking of. It’s just…why keep something broken? Why have a heart if it only breaks over and over and it hurts?

Maybe Logan was right about not feeling things. Sadly, Roman can’t rip his heart out. He’s needed by Thomas. Or, well, his ideas are needed. His creative work is needed. Roman himself? Well, clearly the others have made it clear he isn’t needed.

            The thoughts alone make Roman’s heart crack again. He’s lost count of how many cracks and scars he’s got across his heart. He doesn’t know anymore how many times he’s felt it throb and ache in pain. He’s used to all of it by now, ignoring the pain and the scars. He has an image to uphold and no one needs to see his battered, aching heart. Besides, they’ve all held his heart and left it destroyed. Why would he let them hold it again?

This is how Roman finds himself sitting in his chair at the dining table, having tuned out today’s discussion as he wasn’t needed yet. That stung a little but he doesn’t argue. Making a scene won’t do any good here. Instead, he keeps staring at his heart as it rests in his palm. It beats slowly, almost tiredly.

It used to be a bright red but it’s long faded over the years as his passion and love dwindled. His eyes then travel across the cracks and scars. His fingers twitch with the urge to crush the little thing into pieces until he can feel nothing. His thumb just barely digs into the surface. He doesn’t notice Remus or Janus watching him subtly.

Remus had long grown bored of the discussion as Patton babbled on and on about whatever. The intrusive side had stopped paying attention a while back. He had been chewing on the pen he stole from Logan when he glanced over at his twin. He can see him pressing at his palm with his thumb and he hums curiously, wondering what his brother is thinking of.

He usually doesn’t look into the others’ thoughts much since they’re often boring but he’s been peeking in on Roman’s lately. They’ve been growing more and more dark each day. It’s worrying though Remus will never admit that to anyone. So, Remus peeks into Roman’s mind and-

Just one squeeze…

It’ll hurt less…

Can’t trust them…

Want to rip it out…

It hurts…

Don’t want this anymore.

No more.

No more.

No more.

No-

Remus pulls out of those thoughts with a soft gasp which he quickly hides with a cough. He knows Janus saw him though and he shakes his head at Janus, mouthing a ‘later’ at him before glancing at Roman. The creative side is still staring at his hand, running his thumbnail across his palm over and over. It makes Remus grow a little concerned for his twin. Sure, he doesn’t act like it but he does care for Roman in his own ways.

Meanwhile, Roman is oblivious to everything, still running his thumb over his heart. It beats weakly, slowly, tiredly. He so badly wants to squeeze it until it breaks and bursts. He wants to rip it out and tear it into shreds. He’s tired of having a broken heart. It hurts too much and the others have no idea. Of course they don’t. They can’t see it. They can’t see his heart. They can’t see-

“Roman?”

Roman jumps, blinking as he’s pulled away from his darkening thoughts.

“Y-Yes?”

“I was asking you a question. Are you lost in your daydreams again?” Logan asks, that stern look on his face.

“I-I’m sorry, Specs. I suppose I was.” Roman smiles sheepishly.

Janus hides his one glowing eye as him and Remus glance at the prince.

Logan merely adjusts his glass.

“I’m not surprised. Please do pay attention. This discussion is beneficial for our next meeting with Thomas. Even if Creative input may not be needed.” he lectures before returning to the original topic.

Remus has to resist throwing another shuriken at the logical side’s forehead for that harsh comment. He glances at Roman again. His twin is staring at it his hand again and he frowns. The intrusive side peeks into his twin’s thoughts again.

No daydreams.

Daydreams are bad.

I’ll rip my brain out too.

After I rip my heart out.

My heart hurts.

I don’t want my heart.

No more heart.

No more pain.

They can’t see anyways.

They can’t see.

They don’t see-

Remus pulls out of those thoughts and glances at his twin. Is that what he sees? His own heart? He blinks and gazes at Roman, eyebrows slightly creased in concern. He doesn’t see what heart Roman is thinking about. He’s still…staring at his hand, dragging the nail of his thumb across the dry skin of his palm over and over as if he were trying to cut something.

It makes Remus want to say something but not even a little nasty thought comes to mind. It’s quiet in his head and it terrifies him. Remus can’t do much but squirm in his seat out of restlessness. As he shifts in his seat again, he hears Janus hiss softly.

“Janus?” Remus whispers, glancing at him in worry.

“Roman…he’s lying.” Janus mutters, pulling the brim of his hat down to hide the glow of his eye once again. “I can hear them.”

Janus looks over to Roman again. He hadn’t meant to tune into the prince’s dark thoughts but he could practically hear the lies screaming inside the Creative side. He’s heard the others’ lies but they were more like hushed whispers. Secrets not meant to be ever, ever told.

Roman’s, however, sounded like a cacophony of cries. It’s like the prince was hoping someone would hear them if it screamed loud enough. And it seemed to grow ever louder.

IT DOESN’T HURT

IT DOESN’T HURT

IT DOESN’T HURT

IT’S OKAY

IT’S OKAY

I’M OKAY

“Shit.” Janus hisses softly, biting his lip.

“Jan?” Remus squeezes his arm.

“His lies. They sound so agonizing.”

The two glance at Roman.

“Oh, RoRo…what’s going on in that messy head of yours?” Remus whispered.

The rest of the meeting continues as Logan lectures on and on. Remus and Janus continue watching Roman as said prince continues to remain oblivious. He barely registers if anyone is watching him. He hasn’t noticed Virgil glance his way with an anxious look or Janus letting out another soft hiss. He doesn’t hear Remus whimper softly out of worry for his twin. He doesn’t even move when Patton says his name or when Logan gives him a disappointed glance that makes Remus want to rip the logical side’s face off.

Roman just keeps staring at his heart. His thumb running over the growing cracks and digging deeper with each line. Just one rip or squeeze. Anything to rip this old heart apart. Just one tear or two or three and maybe it won’t hurt anymore. He starts to count the lines with each trace.

One, two, three more times he drags his thumbnail, driving it into the ravine of his glass heart.

Four, five, six more and he hardly notices the angry red line he’s creating on the palm of his hand.

Seven, eight, nine lines he’s traced, trying to dig even deeper. Deep enough to severe this wounded heart into pieces.

Ten-

“RoRo, stop, you’re bleeding!”

Roman blinks and gazes down at his hand. The heart isn’t there anymore. Just his hand…His bloody hand…Roman stares at his hand again a little longer, wishing it were his heart instead. He frowns and runs his thumb over the line again, barely flinching at the sting. He’s felt much, much worse anyways. He just wants it to stop. He doesn’t like hurting anymore. Obviously, he can’t duck out but-

“RoRo!”

Roman looks up and Remus is right there in front of him, hands on his shoulders, the others behind him staring at him.

“RoRo, are you…okay?” Remus asks, voice unusually soft and worried.

It makes Roman want to cry and give in but what do they care? They’ll just do the routine again. He’ll cry, they’ll worry and prod, he’ll tell them his burdens, they’ll assure him and comfort him, and then once he’s on his feet, the others will leave again.

Roman smiles weakly instead.

“I’m okay.”

And then he sunk out as tears pricked his eyes.

Roman sinks up into his room and the tears fall along with the weak smile as he crumples to the floor. How could Remus ask him that? He never cared. He should be happy with the bloodshed. That’s what he wanted right?

And the others…they wouldn’t care either. Roman chokes, stuck between broken laughter and agonizing sobs. It hurts so much, realizing that he’ll always have a broken heart. It hurts even worse, knowing he’ll always have it inside him…unless…

The princes stands up, not caring that he’s still bleeding or crying. His other hand presses at his chest as he drives it deep inside. There’s a reason why the sides’ bodies weren’t as real as Thomas’. For once, Roman’s glad they’re metaphysical. It’ll be less messy.

Roman digs around and around. It’s here somewhere…there! He feels his heart’s fragile glass, threatening to crack any second. He’s tempted to leave it there until it breaks again so the shards can stab him from the inside but really, he’s sick and tired of feeling it beat and throb and break. So with a growl, he pulls.

And he pulls.

And pulls.

And pulls.

And…

The prince finally rips his heart out with an agonizing cry.

Roman nearly sags in relief, finally free of the heavy pain and ache. He nearly falls again and his wounded hand grips at the sink. He feels tired now but he glances at his heart. It beats ever so weaker and it’s become so small. But that’s okay. He doesn’t need it. Not anymore.

Roman stares at the damned thing and…he laughs. He laughs and laughs until it hurts. Until tears start streaming down his face. He laughs as he staggers back to his room, falling to the floor with one final thought.

I’m finally free.

And Roman’s heart stops beating as it falls to the floor and shatters into pieces.

----

Before he could even sink out of his chair, Remus screams in pain and doubles over.

“Remus! Remus, what is it?” comes Janus’ voice from his beside him.

Remus hisses, clutching his chest.

“H-Hurts!”

“What hurts? Are you hiding an injury again?”

“N-No! R-Roman, I can feel him! He’s-ngh!” Remus cries out again. “He’s hurt!”

“Remus,” Janus tries to ask only to be cut off by another cry.

“N-Need to help RoRo! Now!”

Before Janus can ask further, Remus tears out of his hold and braces through the pain, dashing out of the kitchen and up the stairs. As he stumbles up the final steps, Remus tries to listen for his brother’s thoughts but he’s only met with dead silence. This terrifies him and makes the intrusive side hurry down the hall.

When he gets to the door, Remus doesn’t even bother knocking. He musters some strength and bulldozes right through. Then Remus freezes up.

“RoRo!”

Roman lays unconscious on the floor, his colors now dull like his dead eyes. The wound on his hand had long stopped bleeding but has yet to heal. His room felt cold and dark. It’s as if something or someone were missing from it. Like the life of the room itself was…gone.

Remus is immediately at his twin’s side, pulling his body onto his lap. Shaky hands move to turn Roman’s face towards him and for the first time, it makes Remus actually sick to see his twin like this. No silly smile, no excessive glitter, no rainbow blush or even his glow. It’s completely wrong. It’s not Roman at all. It makes Remus sick and angry. With a low growl, Remus summons everyone to Roman’s room.

“Remus, I told you not to-oh. Oh no.” Janus steps forward, kneeling down.

“I hate it when you-oh shit, Roman!” Virgil is immediately on Roman’s other side.

“Remus, you know it’s rude to-oh goodness!” Patton’s hands fly to his mouth in shock.

“What did you have to summon me here for-oh. Oh dear.” Logan falls speechless.

Remus sniffs and glares at the others, eyes glowing red as he holds his twin protectively.

“What happened to him? I. want. Answers.” he growls.

“W-We don’t know, Remus. Honest. We haven’t noticed anything off with Roman.” Patton replies with a gulp.

“Yeah, Princey said he was fine yesterday.” Virgil stammers, wringing his hands.

Remus huffs and looks to Janus.

“They’re both telling the truth.” Janus hums then frowns, looking up with a glowing eye. “But there seems to be a lie in there.”

Remus glares at Patton and Virgil again then to Janus.

“What is it? What’s the lie?” he asks.

Janus looks at Roman and shakes his head.

“That Roman is fine. He is very far from fine.” he sighs. “He lied to Virgil.”

Virgil blinks and frowns.

“But he…he looked fine…Didn’t he?”

Janus shakes his head.

“Our prince is a better actor than we give him credit for.”

“Oh, Roman…have we been hurting you all this time?” Patton sniffs, taking a step closer.

Remus only growls ferally and holds Roman closer, making Patton yelp and jump back.

“It’s alright, Remus. They won’t harm him.” Janus assures him, squeezing his shoulder.

“They already did. I don’t trust them not to do so again.” he huffs. “The only reason they aren’t splattered all over my mace and across the walls yet is because I know RoRo doesn’t want me to hurt them.”

Janus gazes at Roman’s face, guilt pooling in his stomach. Despite their rocky relationship, the prince never once wished harm towards him. Not even through Remus. And in return, Janus could only keep hurting him. What had he done?

“Roman’s been hurt a lot. I think…he’s been carrying so much weight that he’s buckled over from it.” The snake side sadly mutters a moment later. “He’s exhausted.”

Remus sighs and fixes Roman’s hair the best he can, tucking in that one stray curl.

“He looks more than exhausted, Jan. He looks fucking dead. Like the life has been ripped out of him.” he mumbles.

At the same time, Patton gasps softly and all eyes are on him.

“Roman…he’s…he’s so cold inside. How did I not see?” he sniffs, his tears falling.

“Cold?” Remus tilts his head.

“I can see when one of you are feeling cold inside from feeling bad or hurt. It helps me know when to provide warmth and love.” Patton explains, hands shaking with the want to warm Roman.

That’s when Virgil realizes something too.

“Oh fuck…Yesterday when I asked Roman how he was doing…I felt something off but I didn’t question it. I thought…fuck, I thought he was nervous about his trip to the Imagination or today’s meeting.” he explains, pausing to take in a shaky breath. “I didn’t know how much he was hiding until earlier today when he cut his hand. He panicked and he was scared about us finding out something then…it was just…gone. Like he wasn’t scared anymore.”

“You can see things too?” Logan questions.

Virgil nods, a hand hovering over Roman to touch him. When Remus approves, Virgil holds one of Roman’s hands. It feels cold.

“I can. I see fears and worries but I try not to pry unless I needed to.” he mutters. “I should’ve looked into Roman’s though.”

Remus huffs.

“Don’t blame yourself too much. Roman was just too good at hiding things.” he mumbles before sighing. “I saw his thoughts though. They…They were fucked up. Like, super fucked up for someone like Ro who usually has sunshine and love coming out of his ass.”

The intrusive side still remembers Roman’s thoughts from earlier. So dark. So painful. So loud.

Logan gazes at Roman and frowns.

“I can’t see anything logical. Or any facts.” he gasps before flustering and clarifying, “I can’t see anything there to help me with Roman other than his title and traits. I do see insecure, burned out, and…oh. Oh, Roman…”

Roman Sanders is brokenhearted.

And Logan averts his gaze as guilt sinks in. He’s hardly felt this much guilt before. But now, it feels like a growing weight as he wonders how much Roman internalized his words. All of it.

“Logan?” Patton shakes him out of his trance.

“I…I have hurt Roman a lot…haven’t I?” the logical side whispers, a lump in his throat. “Everything I’ve said and done to him…I didn’t think Roman took it that much to heart. I-I thought—"

“You thought you were knocking RoRo down a peg or two? Oh, you did. You knocked him down so hard his self-esteem is fucking broken.” Remus cuts in with a growl.

Logan bows his head in shame, his dignity long gone.

“Sometimes I forget that Roman is also The Ego. I never realized how much my words had impact on him. Did…Did I push him too far?”

“I think…we all did. We all hurt Roman in many ways and we didn’t realize it.” Janus hisses. “But we still don’t know what he did to himself.”

Remus sucks in a breath as he feels another wave of pain.

“Whatever it is, it really fucking hurts. It’s like something’s…missing. Something’s gone from Roman and it feels like something’s missing from me too.” he shudders, a free hand on his chest. “Ugh, it feels like something’s been ripped out of me.”

Janus blinks and glances between the twins.

“Like…a heart?”

“Yeah…wait what?” Remus asks, confused. “What are you talking about, Janus?”

Janus places a hand on Roman’s chest, shuddering at how he can’t feel the prince’s once mighty heartbeat. Not that he knew what his heartbeat was like.

“Everyone here mentioned what they could see. For you and me, Remus, it’s quite obvious. For Roman, we can’t see what he does. So what if Roman can see hearts?”

“It…It makes sense.” Logan gasps, eyes widening in revelation. “Roman is not only Creativity or the Ego. He is passion and…love…”

“S-So Roman could see our hearts? Even when they were broken?” Patton squeaks, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. His poor, poor kiddo.

Janus and Logan nod.

“He always did know what to do when we were hurting. We never realized how…or that he did it to hide his own heart.” Janus whispers, turning away as a single tear rolls down his cheek.

Roman was always there for everyone, comforting them and cheering them up. He set aside his own broken heart to be there for the others. No one even bothered to help him. No one noticed how desperate he was for someone to hold his heart and fill it with love and warmth or how scared he was to even give his heart away. Roman made sure that everyone came first.

Now, here was Roman. Lifeless. Loveless. Empty. And they all blamed themselves. Janus had manipulated him, threatening him with every weakness he could find like it were blackmail.

Logan knew what words to use to keep Roman in line, to shut him down and put him in his place.

Patton pressured him too much, piled expectation upon expectation and never gave the prince a chance to defend himself. Whenever Roman tried to express himself or voice his opinion, Patton would unknowingly guilt trip him back into compliance.

Virgil belittled him every chance he got, throwing insults at Roman and never once apologized because Roman was always being told off. Even if he was hurt all the same.

Remus tried so hard to be a better brother but The Voices often got too loud or he’d hit him too hard.

It's dead silent for a moment before Remus sniffles. Remus never cries so it’s almost an alarming sound to the others.

“How do we fix it? How do we fix his heart?” he asks, his voice painfully small and broken. His eyes looking Roman over. He misses his loud, colorful brother.

“Well…Broken hearts need love, right?” Patton replies. “We just have to love Roman more.”

Remus can’t help but huff and scoff at that.

“Oh, now he says that.” he mutters.

He knows Patton wants to help but after seeing how the fatherly side betrayed Roman at his weakest, even the intrusive side himself couldn’t trust him. It makes Remus hold Roman just a little tighter, another tear rolling down his cheek and onto Roman’s face.

Janus, however, knows Remus well and squeezes his shoulder.

“Remus, you have to let them in so they can try to help. They won’t hurt Roman anymore. Not now when they know the truth.” he sighs before gazing down at Roman’s pale face. “Besides, we’re both guilty of hurting Roman too.”

Remus droops and sniffs.

“You’re right…I just…I want to be a better brother for RoRo so we can be friends again. I swore he’d never be hurt again but I failed.” he whispers brokenly, running a thumb over one of Roman’s scar on his cheek. “I want to help too.”

Janus dries Remus’ tears.

“You already are, Remus. Now,” he gestures to the others who were standing by and waiting. “Let them in.”

Remus looks up at the two, breathing in shakily. He glances at Roman then back at them.

“Fine.” he huffs but puts a hand up before they could move. “But I’m watching all of you. And not a word about what I said earlier. I still have a reputation to keep because you shitheads need to learn when to back off from RoRo.”

Virgil chuckles softly, face hidden in his hoodie.

“We know, Remus. Your secret is safe with us.” he promises, squeezing Roman’s hand.

Remus, slightly flustered, huffs and looks back at his twin.

“Let’s just help Ro already.” he mumbles.

It’s awkwardly silent for a moment before Janus decides to step forward, kneeling down in front of the prince. He removes his right glove and takes Roman’s other hand, squeezing it gently.

“I may have apologized before but I’ll do it again. I…I am so, so sorry, my dear prince. I never noticed how much harm I have caused you. I never saw your broken heart. I was meant to protect you.” he says, gazing at Roman’s sash then his face as if he were reminiscing. “I promised myself I would and I didn’t. For that, I’m very sorry and I know mere words may not fix everything but know that I will do what it takes to earn your forgiveness. Know that you are very much loved. You are our prince. Our Roman. We need you more than you think.”

Janus squeezes Roman’s hand and leans over, planting a kiss on his forehead. When nothing happens, Janus lets go and replaces his glove as he gazes sadly at the sleeping prince.

It’s then that Virgil feels brave and swallows his nerves, taking a deep breath.

“Fuck, uh, I’m going next.” he gulps, moving closer to Roman and pulling his hood down.

A clammy hand moves to caress Roman’s cheek.

“Hey, Princey…I’ve been a shitty friend, huh? You’ve made up with me and always did your best to make me feel welcome and included here on your side. You always fight off my worries and…” Virgil pauses and flusters. “You were the only one who really knew how to calm me down. And yet, I hurt you without realizing it. You never really did get an apology or even a chance to defend yourself. It was always me that got away with it. I guess I should’ve pumped the breaks too.”

Virgil takes in a shaky breath, eyeshadow darker than ever. He then continues.

“I’m so fucking sorry. For everything. For hurting you. For all my awful words. For constantly making fun of you when you work so hard.” he mutters before smiling softly. “You know…we were an awesome team at the mall. Yeah, I freaked out but if you weren’t there, I don’t think I could’ve pushed Thomas into meeting Nico. Literally. You were always so much braver than me and I wanted to be just as brave too. I…We love you, Roman. Flaws and all. I wish you could see that. I wish you could see how much you do for us.”

He then leans down and kisses Roman’s cheek, face flushed.

Janus can’t help but chuckle a little.

“How cute. Though, were you going to say something else there, Virgil? I thought I heard something else…” he teases.

Virgil blinks and reddens, glaring at Janus for a moment.

“S-Shut the fuck up, asshole.”

Remus raises an eyebrow at that.

“We’re talking about that later, emo.” he says, grinning slightly.

Virgil swallows again and nods, letting Roman go so Remus can hold him again.

“R-Right, yeah. Whatever. Who’s next?”

Logan steps forward, kneeling beside Virgil.

“May I, Remus?” he asks first.

Remus huffs but loosens his hold on Roman.

“Thank you.”

Logan then takes Roman’s hand, gazing at it. Oh, the poor thing’s hand looks so worn. So tired.

He can feel the callouses on his fingertips and the scars on his skin. He wonders just how much Roman often pushed himself to meet everyone’s demands. Especially the logical side’s own requests. He can’t help but feel guilty. Both he and Roman do a lot of work for Thomas and everyone but he always treated Roman like he was never working enough or that he was only worth 0.5% of Thomas’ day.

Glancing around the mess that is Roman’s room, Logan realizes just how hard Roman works.

There’s stacks of papers piled on the desk and a big cork board above it, covered in notes and reminders on top of a calendar filled with scribbles. Several books are stacked on the other side of the desk with sticky note tabs jutting out from them in different pages. Logan realizes too that he should visit Roman more often and brainstorm here. He then turns back to Roman, squeezing his hand.

“Roman…I’m sorry. For every word I said. For underestimating you. For using your weaknesses against you whenever we argued. For making you question your worth. You are worth so much more and I failed to notice.” he sniffles regretfully, failing to keep his voice from breaking. “You work just as hard and I understand what it’s like to see your efforts go to waste. I should have been there for you. Especially since you’ve worked so hard to be better for us. You don’t have to. You were enough. You were so good enough. I apologize for never realizing how much my words have broken your heart. You’re not stupid or a fool or worthless. You are Prince Roman of Creativity. You are important and needed.”

Logan kisses Roman’s hand because he’s unsure of what else to do before letting go.

He then turns to remove his glasses and scrub at his face before turning back.

“I…I hope Roman can hear us.” he stammers, clearing his throat.

“I hope so too.” Patton nods. He had been lost in thought. He kneels beside Logan, tears already rolling down his cheeks. “C-Can I go next, Remus?”

Remus nods.

“Just watch yourself, froggy.” he mutters.

“I will. Thank you.”

Patton then takes Roman’s hand, squeezing it too.

“Oh, kiddo…I’m so, so sorry. I’m supposed to be the dad that takes care of everyone but I failed to take care of you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” he sobs, hiccupping and sniffling. “I should’ve been there. I should’ve listened to you too. I shouldn’t have weighed you down with all those expectations. You always make us feel happy and loved. You know how to cheer us up and you make us feel so safe. In return, we made you feel as if you had to hide. As if you had to play your role perfectly. You can take a break, Roman. You can let your guard down. You aren’t weak for your mistakes. We still love you. You are part of our family and we can’t be whole without you. We need you too!”

Patton then breaks down and sobs harder into Roman’s hand, kissing it. When he manages to calm down a bit, he reluctantly lets Roman’s hand go.

Silence falls back in as everyone watches Roman. Remus then realizes it’s his turn and sighs, staring at his twin. He then glances at the others who are waiting for Remus to speak.

“Look,” Remus huffs. “I…I don’t usually do this mushy, gushy shit so don’t fucking judge me if I say all the wrong stuff, okay? RoRo and I have our own brand of showing we care.”

“Of course, Remus. Your secret is safe with me.”

“Yeah, Remus. You’ve always been more of an action guy. I know.”

“We know, Remus. You’re a good brother, kiddo.”

“Understandable. This is between you and your brother.”

Remus nods his thanks and turns back to his brother, taking a deep breath. One hand holds Roman’s and the other tugs at the sash, turning it so a messily embroidered “R” in green is shown at the bottom.

“RoRo? Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling bad again? Why do you keep hiding? I know I’m not always the nicest brother but I’m trying. The voices are assholes sometimes, y’know? Yeah, I said I wanted you dead but I didn’t mean it. I still need you here. You’re my literal other half.” he whispers sadly, his hand moving to tug at his own sash which has its own embroidered “R” but in golden cursive this time.

Remus breathes out shakily, more tears rolling down makeup-streaked cheeks as he continues.

“Even though you were jealous of me. Sometimes I was jealous of you. You could create without fail. You could heal and fix whatever I messed up. I…I always thought you were amazing, little brother. Even when everyone else didn’t think so or were too blind to see it. Please come back, RoRo. We royal promised we’d be brothers forever and you can’t break that promise. We still gotta annoy Logan and mess with Virgil. We were supposed to hang out with Janus too so you guys can be friends. S-So wake up already you dramatic fuck. Wake up!”

Then Remus sobs and it’s…actually gut wrenching to hear. No one besides Janus and maybe Virgil has ever heard the Intrusive side cry like this. Sure, the twins don’t get along but it’s clear now that they really need each other.

“Shh, he’ll be okay, little squid. We’ll love him as much as he needs.” comes Janus’ soft voice, a hand rubbing Remus’ shaking back.

Then…

As everyone cries over their fallen prince, there’s a golden spark in the corner of the room and warm glow fills the room as that spark rises from the floor. The sides gaze at the spark as it rises higher and higher, moving towards the center of the room.

Then glass-like shards appear one by one in different colors. Green, Yellow, Purple, Cyan, Navy blue, Red. They spin around the spark and come together forming…a heart.

Sometimes, metaphorical hearts are compared to glass, tough during the hardest moments and fragile during the weakest moments. Easy to shatter, harder to put the pieces back together.

But love makes it easier to keep the pieces together and it seems it did for this heart. The heart spins and lowers, moving towards its home. To Roman. It stays there though. Ripping out a heart is difficult and it would be just as hard to put it back in.

Remus then blinks.

“I-I can see it. I can see RoRo’s heart. What do I do?! I don’t know how to heal. I’m gonna mess it up.” he stammers.

Janus squeezes his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s alright, Remus. You can do it. You want to help your brother, yes?”

Remus nods.

“I do but…” his hands hesitate above the heart. It looks very fragile. “I don’t want to hurt him again.”

Oh Remus…

Janus smiles softly and puts his hand over Remus’ shaking pair.

“You won’t, my dear. I’m right here too.” he soothes, squeezing Remus’ hand to still his shaking.

Another pair of hands join, pale and clammy and just as shaky.

“I-I wanna help Roman’s heart too.” Virgil nods.

Remus nods.

“For Roman.”

Patton and Logan step forward, both nervous and still guilty.

“C-Can we help too, Remus? We want to make this right.” Patton asks, wringing his hands.

He owed Roman lots of love and care after lacking the past years.

Logan nods too.

“I want to atone for what I’ve done. For what I’ve said. I want to remove every awful word I must have buried in there.” he manages to choke out, not even caring that his face is wet with tears again.

Remus breathes in and nods.

“You can but it’ll take more than this for Roman to heal so you both definitely have a lot to make up for. Fuck that up and I’ll have your heads before Roman can even stop me.” he growls, glaring at them.

“We won’t hurt him anymore, Remus. We promise.” Patton assures the dark twin.

“We’ll be kinder to him. Give him the love he needs.” Logan adds.

“You better.” Remus huffs. “Now get over here.”

The two nod and place their hands over Virgil’s.

Then they gently push the heart down into Roman’s chest, slowly and carefully.

“Wake up, RoRo. Please don’t rip your heart out again.”

“Come back to us, little prince. We need you so much.”

“We’re here, Princey. We see you and hear you.”

“Please take your heart, Roman. It is a vital part of who you are. Our dear prince.”

“Oh, kiddo. Don’t worry, I’ll be here to help you if your heart hurts again. I’ll give you all the warmth you need.”

They push down more and more and slowly the heart sinks into Roman’s chest. Once it’s fully in, a golden ray of light blooms from Roman’s body as if the heart were thanking them for returning it home. Then-

“RoRo!” Remus gasps.

With a sparkle of magic and gold, Roman’s color slowly returns. It starts from his feet and climbs up, his sash bright red again and his skin turning back to its beautiful tan color. Even Roman’s eyes regain life, the dull green brightening back into a lovely emerald.

Then Roman gasps for air.

---

Roman doesn’t know how long he’d been out but he hadn’t expected to wake up. When he does, he gasps for air and squirms in the pair of arms he’s in before looking about. His eyes widen. They’re…They’re all here. Why are they here? This isn’t right. This isn’t how it’s supposed to end.

No, no, no. Why did they fix it again? They’re just gonna break it. He’s gonna break it again and-

“RoRo! Hey, hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.”

Roman shakes his head, squirming out of whoever is holding him.

“No, no! It’s not! It’s not okay!”

He stumbles to his feet but someone grabs his arm.

“Roman, look at me.”

Roman whips his head around and he sees…Remus?

“R-Ree…”

“Hey, dumb dumb. It’s okay now. It’s okay.” Remus soothes, his voice unusually soft.

Remus doesn’t look like it but he can be soft during the right times. It’s not often he shows it though. It’s often reserved for his brother since the poor thing doesn’t do well with tough love.

Roman, stubborn as ever, shakes his head as his breath hitches.

“It’s not! I-It wasn’t supposed to be fixed! It wasn’t supposed to go back inside!” he cries, clutching at his chest.

Janus takes that moment to take Roman’s hands in his, the snake’s gloves nowhere to be seen.

“Roman, my dear prince, look at me.”

“J-Janus?” Roman gazes at him, confused and lost. Poor, poor thing.

“There’s that pretty face, beautiful rose. You look so tired. So weary. We’ve hurt you a lot, haven’t we?” Janus replies, caressing Roman’s cheek.

Roman can’t help but lean into his touch. It makes Janus’ heart ache.

“W-What’s…What’s happening?”

“That’s what we want to know, my prince.”

Roman blinks.

“We…?”

The prince then looks around and he’s startled to see the others here too. His head feels dizzy as he looks between every face in front of him.

Patton looks antsy as if he were itching to give a hug. Logan looks remorseful, gaze averted in shame.

Virgil looks very worried, eyeshadow messy and dark while his hands twist into the fabric of his hoodie. Remus and Janus are the closest to him, smiling small but sadly in concern.

It makes Roman pull away from Janus, hugging himself as if it was going to protect him.

“I…How did you even know I was here?” he asks.

Remus squeezes Roman’s shoulder.

“Twin bond. I knew you did something to yourself the moment I felt like I was stabbed.” he sighs, a hand over his own heart. “I felt your pain, Roman.”

Roman swallows and shrinks in on himself.

“Oh…I…I forget that you often feel what I do, Ree. I’m sorry.” he mumbles.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault, RoRo.” Remus sighs. “So, do you want to tell us why your heart was outside of you?”

Roman hangs his head in shame. The words are on his lips and he so badly wants to tell them everything. Yet, he feels hesitant. What if, after they comfort him, they go back to what they were doing and they end up breaking his heart again? What if they’re only doing this to make sure Thomas still has his Creativity and not Roman himself? What if they’re doing this make themselves feel better and they’ll drop him later?

“Hey. Princey. Roman, look at me.”

Roman looks up and blinks, seeing Virgil standing in front of him.

“V-Virgil…”

Virgil cups his face and wipes a stray tear.

“Let us in, Roman. We want to help you.”

“Y-You do?”

“Of course. We all do.”

“But…But it’s rotten work…”

Virgil chuckles. He missed Roman’s little movie references.

“Not to me, it’s not. Not if it’s you.”

Roman blinks and takes a deep breath.

“Okay.”

Virgil takes that moment to let Roman go.

“Take your time, Princey.”

Roman nods, still hugging himself.

Then after a moment of silence-

“I ripped my heart out.” Roman whispers like it’s still a secret. “I ripped my heart out because it was broken and it hurt inside. I was tired of feeling it break and be fixed over and over. I was tired of feeling hurt all the time.”

Soft gasps fill the room.

“Oh, Roman…”

Roman places a hand over his chest where his heart his now.

“I guess you all figured it out but I can see hearts. I can see who needs love or passion. I can see broken hearts. I knew none of you could see mine so I never bothered to fix mine. I thought it was too broken and…”

Roman gazes at Patton then Logan and then Janus, the three of them wilting in guilt.

“I was scared.” Roman whimpers. “I didn’t want to give my heart to someone who might break it again and again. I’ve put my heart into all your hands and…”

“A-And we broke it, didn’t we?” Patton whispers with guilt and anger at himself in his voice. “I’m so sorry, kiddo. We didn’t know how fragile your heart already was.”

Roman sighs.

“It’s okay—”

“Stop right there. It’s not okay, little one.” Janus cuts in. “We all hurt you and made you feel as if you couldn’t show your heart to us. We should be apologizing to you.”

“B-But what if you break it all over again?”

Oh, Roman…

Janus can’t help but feel guilt churning in his stomach again. Part of him feels like he’s majorly to blame for the prince’s trust issue.

It’s no wonder the poor thing can’t reach out or open up. He’d become too afraid to ask for love let alone even try, thinking he’d be slapped in the face with rejection or be called out for being overdramatic again.

It’s a horrifying realization to Janus and he holds up his right hand.

“I promise you that we won’t. Not anymore, my prince. We all love you more than you’ll ever know.” Janus swears. “I know you might not believe it but it’s true.”

Roman feels his heart and…oh. It’s…It’s beating so much. It really wants to be loved. He wants to be loved. So much.

“Please be careful with my heart.”

Janus smiles softly.

“I will, my prince. We all will.”

Remus squeezes his shoulder again.

“We won’t let you feel the need to rip your heart again, RoRo.” he adds.

“You’re okay now, Princey. We’ll take care of you.”

“We love you so much, kiddo! We’ll always love you!”

“I may not be the best with love and affection but I will do my best to be here for you too, Roman. You are worth more than you think.”

Roman blinks.

“Oh.”

Overwhelmed by all the sudden love, Roman forgets all his words and his legs give out as he falls to his knees. Oh dear.

Remus is immediately at his side.

“RoRo?”

Roman trembles.

“I just…you all…I…”

Then the prince finally lets out the tears he’s bottled up. His broken sobs fill the room like a sorrowful song.

Remus whimpers and holds his twin tight.

“You’ve been keeping that in for so long, huh? Just let it out, RoRo. We’re right here.” he whispers. “You’re going to be okay, little brother.”

Janus decides to join too, kneeling and wrapping his arms around the twins.

“You’ve been through so much, little prince. Let yourself cry. We’ll dry your tears.” he murmurs.

Virgil crouches in front of them and squeezes Roman’s shoulder this time.

“You’re safe, Roman. I’m here to protect you and your heart.” he assures him.

Logan and Patton join too.

“We love you, Roman. We love you.” Patton repeats over and over to remind Roman as he promised.

“We’re here, Roman.” Logan adds.

Roman cries and cries until he can’t and it dwindles into soft hiccups and sniffles. He doesn’t pull away from Remus though, not wanting him to leave. He desperately wants to believe this all real.

As he holds onto Remus and feels his family around him, Roman feels his heart beating peacefully now. Of course, the pain is still there and will be for a long time. Yet, he can feel some of it ebb away.

It’s difficult to heal a broken heart but with enough love, it can be free of its pain little by little. It’s definitely going to be a long time of healing for Roman and his heart but each side makes a silent vow to help him along the way.

And maybe in the future, Janus steps up as the Ego’s protector and carer. He’s there to hold him when he cries and to stand up for him when the world seems against him. He helps Roman be more open with his feelings and takes care of him when his days start to get dark. He does his best to silence the lies in the prince’s mind.

Virgil is a little more careful and kinder. He still banters with Roman but apologizes this time when he goes too far or says something hurtful. He’ll be more alert, slowly helping Roman tell him all his fears and worries so he can help him through it. At some point, Virgil and Roman even sit down and go over what insults might be too far or a sore spot, both promising never to use them against each other.

In the future, Patton is softer around Roman, doing his best to be understanding. He makes sure to hear Roman out and checks in on him when he sees him feeling cold inside. He loves him a little more and puts out a big effort to listen to Roman in discussions and works more with him to find compromises or better ideas to dilemmas. And if Patton hears Roman say an ‘I love you, padre” one day, he cherishes it.

Logan is a lot less harsh with Roman, helping him with his work and being understanding when Roman asks for a break. He’s more careful in giving Roman feedback to his ideas, starting with what he liked and ending with suggestions for improvement. He also makes sure to remind Roman that he’s very much worth a lot more than he thinks. And when they start arguing, Logan reminds himself of Roman’s heart and pauses to let them both cool down before talking to Roman again.

And as for Remus, he tries the hardest out of everyone. He’s still his chaotic self, often pestering Roman but also getting along with him better. They do still fight like siblings but when Roman’s hurt, Remus is there to pick him up and hold him. He does his best to cheer Roman up when he’s sad and they take more trips to the Imagination to just hang out when Roman doesn’t want to be overwhelmed by the others.

With all this love for the prince, Roman’s heart would feel fuller than ever. It would finally be on the mend and Roman would come to see that it won’t ever be broken again. Not with his family there to keep the pieces together.

For now though, Roman lets his family hold him as his heart keeps beating inside him where it’s meant to be.

#sanders sides #sanderssides #roman sanders #roman sanders angst #janus sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #tw blood #sanders sides fic #this fic was totally not inspired by undertale and deltarune's ending idk what ur talking about