#was like only half of what I did on road-trips to Florida | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

infinitelyinfj · 2 years

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If anyone happens to stumble upon this, and bored or curious enough to want to read this, please note that it is not edited or close to being finished. I’m also not even sure in what direction I’m heading. My initial intent was to write about my experiences with past platonic relationships, but it erupted to something completely else where I begin to include past romantic experiences. It’s a work in progress, still unsure of where I’m heading. Feel free to read my story, enjoying a glimpse of my wild, tangled life. Let it be known, while the story is not made up, I am using aliases for the people involved, as a way to maintain their privacy.

When I flash back into the shoes of little elementary school me, this is how it looks. I had a big and bright personality. I was truly the main character of what I believed to be a movie that was about me. My world inside of my head was imaginative, and dreamy. I was easily excitable, this sense of exuberance that was shared when in my safe space. From the outside looking in, I was timid. I was shy. Not much as changed truly. I remember not relating to my peers, always feeling like I didn't fit in, or belong. I didn't understand certain social aspects, and I was bullied for it. I even had problems with getting into trouble over it in school. Being made to stand against the wall during recess for misbehaving. But I could not tell you what I had even done to put myself in that position of punishment. I had a few scarce friends. By friends, I guess there was only really one. One friend which I still know to this day, and with the amount of moves made from that point on, that's pretty impressive. Growing up from 6, I move to what would be my "final nesting ground." If not the same school, the same area. So the friends I would make at 14, I would have the opportunity to maintain.

When I was born, I was born into what was the American Dreams poster family. My mother, a nurse to be. My father, he BUILT from the ground home, what was meant to be our home. A paramedic, within reaching distance of becoming a fireman. My older brother, came first, with the me following years later. I was seemingly wanted, a loved child. Pictures taken by my grandparents would make anyone believe that my mother both loved and wanted me. A divorce would bloom, at the time of being 4. The first home I would know would break down, scattering and turning into decay and ashes. My mother would treat from this Home in Haverhill, back to her roots in Medford. My loving grandparents, always in support of my mother, us, and her expanding in her position. So not only did they purchase her our next home, but they ended up taking on the role of parents over me and my brother. As my parents waged a war between them, and centered their focuses mutually on their careers. My hero quenched father would tell us the tales of how he would drive 45 minutes to us, then back, to spend time with us, to later drive those 45 grueling minutes to and back home. The times we spent with him, we were spoiled with toys, and barely him. Any time spent with him, felt like he was half there, if at all. Though my home address at the time was 42 Foss street-occupied by me, in the smallest pink room, across from my mothers room. Passing the bathroom, traveling down the hall, would lead you to what was my brothers. It was us, our long hair lab, Gorilla and our outdoor cat, Oliver. The yellow house was the first thing you saw, front and center, traveling up the road. It was off the fellsway, a highway, but still snugged comfortably in this suburban town. A rock in the front, where my brother would spend hours just us, our toys, and our imagination. A small sliver of a backyard, but we would take hikes on the trail that rested across from the highway. A decent sized wooded area, that had a tower sitting on the tippity top. You always pass this tower if you are heading south towards or through boston. Though we did spend time here, majority of the time we lived at my grandparents, whose house was less than 10 minutes driving distance. Our grandparents fed us, supported us in school, watched us, would even end up joining them to their routine trips-Florida in the winter, Italy in the summer. The time we spent my mother, would involve me sneaking into bed with her, just to be close to her. Shopping trips to a thriftstore, those walks in the woods. Or her scorning her marriage to me about my own father. Sharing with a young me a story about her tear drop wedding ring, stating it's symbolsim in the marriage. We were with my grandparents so much that I began associating them with being my actuals parents, so much that I insisted on calling my nonno, my father. It wasn't until my mother would meet my soon to be step father, where they began to act like my actual grandparents, stepping aside from there role as our primary caretakers. My mother meeting some one was innocently encouraged, and my step dad off the bat, hit it off with everyone. Especially with me, as I adored him. He, my mother, my brother and I would join my grandparents in Florida, as well as italy. Being Italy where my step dad would propose to my mother. Things seemed normal, we were adopted into his family, as daunting as that was. They were nothing like what I had been used to. My step dad came from cookie cutter Winchester, his mother and father seemed polished, poised. They had a summer beach house, on a private beach, that would become a second home to me. I didn't understand how greedy my mother had been for a taste of luxury. The luxury being the wealth my step father was born, well, adopted into. I remember the time he told me he was adopted. One of those crystal clear, strange memories. This grown man had broken down, in tears, told me this story of essentially being cast down a river in a basket, his adoption story. Naturally, being undiagnosed, I did not react the way I was meant to.

When I made the transition from Medford, to Winchester, to then Merrimac, (later to Groveland, Haverhill, and then finally Bradford.) I would make my very first REAL friend. The experience was magic. Her name was Claire, and she was a free spirit, funny and had the exuberance that I recognized in myself. She had this effortless ability to make all of my outside of school problems, the abandonment and traumas, neglect, disappear. Amongst Claire, I was able to be freely myself, safe, and normal. We became inseparable to the point where I lived, actually lived, with her and her family. Her mother would become like a mother to me. Telling me she felt like I was hers. Through so much pain, hurt, love and laughter, Claire and her family were there for me. Trips to Capecod, Maine, creating sign out sheets for when we would exchange clothes, like sisters. Now, with every good story, there's some sort of downfall. The fallout is something that was not concrete, as present day I have somewhat a relationship with Claire-not as close. FAR from being close. We are essentially friendly strangers. I don't want to necessarily take all of the blame for the fallout, that's not casting it onto that of Claire or her family. Also not trying to create excuses. This is my version of the truth, the reality. With life comes twists and turns, and I was not only young, but I was so lost, unguided. I had little to no guidance, support. I was reaping the burdens of trauma and abuse. I made bad choices. Bad life choices, that would cost me my future. Losses, and gains.

The fallout began once I ran away. I have always been a runaway. Whether physically, emotionally or mentally checking out- I am known to running away. In search of a safety I had no clue what even looked like, or where it was. I ran away at 17 with a boyfriend I had a very strong trauma bond with. It was either during or before I got pregnant where the fallout started. I was being abused. Physically, sexually, but physically abused by this boyfriend, Alden. Claire was disappointed in me and my choices. Though she is a very silly, happy go lucky person, Claire is very rooted in logic. Perhaps it's her earth sign energy, just who she is, or her stable upbringings or all of the above. Being logical, she saw my choices as exactly that. Choices. Me actively making these bad life decisions. Like, staying with this abuser. Probably shutting them all out. Continuing to be abused, not in school. With inevitably, getting pregnant.

However, I did end up making a better choice. There was one incident in particular that was enough of a wakeup call to get myself out of that situation I was in. I am going to share this part of the story, to give context to WHY Claire was logically disappointed with me. To what was happening that made her lose faith in me, and my relationship to her.

It was January 2012, I had left my sophomore year (I was held back per my dads request, supposed to have been a junior.) of highschool to be with Alden. To live with him. I was 17. I believe I had ran away some point in November. So from those early moments where we were together, we had crashed with his family in several different locations. Alden had an inheritance, so with that, he used it to rent an apartment in Woburn. It was a crusty one-bedroom apartment, with cruddy furniture and no future. Days spent recklessly, piles of blue condom rapper accumulating. You know, those free ones they give away at clinics. I mention that for a reason. Let it be known, while I stayed with him, and we had consensual sex, it was always protected. Though I have truly always longed for motherhood, something rooted in my own traumas off loss, a baby was not something I wanted at that time. Alden was 4 years my senior, making him 21. He was older, but had his own traumas, and behavioral problems. He was a very jealous, controlling person. Possessive and honestly, I felt as though he was obsessed with me, and didn't want to lose me, or me leave him. So he placed me inside of his grip so tight he could have suffocated me. He wouldn't allow me to go anywhere without him, or at the very least not without him knowing where it was I was going, or who I would be with. He would mock me for the clothes I wore, down to my shoes. He would be jealous of me giving my attention to animals. He would eventually be jealous of my working. But we will get to that. I am not sure what prompted this argument, but I know that I wanted to leave. Like, I wanted to physically leave from him. I guess I got a glimpse of what life was like with him, and wanted to go back home, go back to school and continue with my education. With my life. We were in the apartment, where he wouldn't let me leave. He had me cornered in his bedroom, with the door shut, and him blocking it. Anytime I would get up to leave and try and fight past him, he would throw me down and then hold me down. I remember screaming, fighting and kicking him off of me. When he said these chilling words that i remember verbatim:

"All you need is a good fuck."

"I am going to get you pregnant so you can't leave me. Or if you do, I have something of you."

He then proceeded to have sex with me. Unprotected. My survival instincts kicked in. I knew how to get myself out of this situation. I had to manipulate him. Somehow, I convinced him to let me out of the house. I believe to go see a friend who lived in that same town, which looking back, I am grateful to have had. It was late January, and cold, he was holding me by my jacket, unzipped. As soon as we got outside of the complex, I immediately wiggled out of my jacket and booked it. No idea, no plan. I just ran. He jumped into his mothers tan mini van and proceeded to follow after me, it wasn't until I was stopped by two women outside of a dog grooming shop smoking cigarettes did he stop. Another thing I remember them asking me verbatim when they saw me, hair knotted, wearing a t shirt in the midst of winter, white as a ghost, cuts and bruises, smeared make up, was:

"Were you just raped?"

From that point, everything stopped. I was out of it. I guess its called being in shock. The cops came, upon seeing this did he finally drive off. The cops at the station did not once ask me if i had been raped. I didn't tell them, because no one asked. Furthermore, I am not even sure I knew at the time I had even been raped. I know that it wasnt consensual. But we were together. I grew up neglected, sheltered. I had no idea about literally anything that made up the real world. They saw my marks, and wrote it off as a domestic fight, and he was charged with such. My friend drove me to my dads' house. My dad saw me the way I looked. I remember the way he looked at me. Sad. Lost. Speechless. He got me a haircut, and I enrolled back in school. I remember sharing with him that I could be pregnant, sparing the details.

Returning back to school, which was different from the one I had met Claire, I had another close friend by the name of Elizabeth, who again, to this day, we are close, not as close. There was fallout with her too, but later in this timeline. During this time, she was still there, though maybe at a distance. I remember when she saw me back in school, in the hallway, she broke down in tears, and hugged me. Glad to see that I was there, I was safe. Well, at least, for the time being.

It was almost as if my life was being tampered with by a source beyond my control. As speculated, but not really expected, I became pregnant. Living under my fathers roof was equivalant to being locked in a prison. He was smothering, controlling. He has always been from when I first was made to live with him from being abandoned by my mother at 12. He had very high expectations, many rules that were mandatory. It was his way, or nothing. Once my pregnancy became known to him, there was no other option available except for me to get an abortion. Otherwise, I would not be supported by him. At this time, 17 years old, similar to rape not really being understood, niether was abortion. This isn't me saying I regret not having one, it wasn't an option for me then, and it wouldn't have to this day. The birth of my child was a blessing, not a corny religious way of a blessing. A TRUE blessing in the form of a wake up call. So I am pregnant, and where do I go? You already know, don't you.

When the statistics say that abuse grows substantially when pregnant, they weren't lying. Now pregnant, living back with Alden in Woburn, my survival instincts kicked in once again, but in a motherly parental way. I began looking for employment. I started by being honest, saying I was pregnant. But realizing that I wasn't getting hired, I lied. The first job I ended up getting was at a baby clothes store at a mall that since has been knocked down. I made the mistake at the time of disclosing that to my dad, most likely in pursuit to persuade him of my independence. Which in turn, cost me my job, the company called to tell me they were stopping with the hiring process, as they didn't want to get involved. I am sure my dad called and went on about my situation. I was 17-minor right? Not necessarily. In Mass, 17 is to close to being 18 for the cops to intervene. Especially with my 18th birthday right around the corner. I went on to get hired at both dunkin donuts, and marketbasket. Remember, no one knew I was pregnant. I refused to disclose in fear of losing my hours, or job. My aprons covered any evidence of a belly, which with my height and slim weight, it wasn't hard to hide. Alden did not work at all during these early stages of my pregnancy. I remember working morning to night, any shifts available. With Aldens jealousy growing-angry with me for working, mocking me for how easy it is for me to get hired, and not him. Giving me dead legs, punching my legs, so when standing my already tired pregnant legs would ache. I am going to fast forward to the next minor wake up call I would have, that would lead me to once again. trying to leave.

With how badly the abuse was, I was begining to become scared for the safety and well being for my child. How could I take care of her in such a dangerous environment? I felt helpless, powerless. At one point in the early stages of my pregnancy-around 3 months- I started to contemplate adoption. All with the goal of protecting my child from this dangerous life. I remember meeting with them, and I believe I shared with Alden my concerns. Which lead us to, another very dangerous event. We were driving to a baby appointment, when i shared this with him. To which he immediately became emotionally unstable. He turned around and would bring me to his mother's complex parking lot. Where he took something from the back of the van, a cord of some sort, and wrapped it around my neck, screaming,

"If you take my baby away from me, I will put you 6 feet under."

We created to much attention here, with me screaming, so he took me to his aunt's complex parking lot, that was much more spaced out and secluded. It was here, again, I knew what I had to do. Somehow i was able to convince him that I was wrong, and sorry, and that we should go to the appointment so we can see the baby. He agreed. Once there, I asked them to see me alone. I remember his face. It wasn't sad. It was angry. Scared. He looked at me, angrily panicked, and left. He knew I was going to call for safety.

I still did not have my fathers support. He refused to speak or see me at this point. Where did I go, but to Claire's with her family. All was okay, I had there support. But as the weeks passed, I felt my presence was becoming a burden. I didn't feel that dreamed safety I always craved. I felt like a huge burden. I had no money, family, support, absolutely nothing. They would make minor comments about my growing weight, most likely harmless but either my being autistic and not understanding or being sensitive, I took it to heart. Comments about food I was eating, needing foodstamps, a plan, I panicked. and what does a runaway do best when they are in a state of panic? They run away. To the arms of the person whom hurts them the most, but disguised well as love.

Upon my arrival BACK with Alden, this feeling of euphoric family possibily had me consumed. Adoption was to late to consider, as a gender was found out. A baby girl. I remember being with Claire's family, not yet knowing the gender, but still flipping the pages of a baby book. Grazing the girls section-under K, my eyes were drawn to "A Beautiful Song"-Karmen. That name was to... flat for my liking. But then i saw it. Italized, Karmina. Kar-meena. It is as if she picked her name. Karmina was chosen, and with that bond formed, my daughter was the only priority I had, but with that came this falacey of a family for her. Something I never had, something I wanted desperately.

To the point, when 7 months months pregnant, we got married. Court house wedding. the duration of my pregnancy was filled with stress, pain, tears, fainting, as numerous occassions Alden would corner me until the point of passing out. I still have those medical bills. Nesting, I finanically covered everything my daughter needed. I refused a babyshower. This was my responsibilty. She had everything ready, she had everything she needed. I was ready to be her mother.

At the near end of my pregnancy, my dad, now aware that I would not abort this child, discovering he had a grandchild, reappeared in my life. I remember he took me to Kohls, and picked out a blanket for me, or her. I am not sure. But being as sentimental as I am, I still have this light blue sock monkey blanket. Again, through all of the continous moving and traumas, the fact I still have it is impressive.

The last and truly, FINAL, event happened when Karmina was barely a month old. Once born, my father came to the hospital to visist, which prompted a tantrum from Alden. Enough of an episode to raise the concerns of the nurses. DCF was then involved. I have read the notes made from home visits, and they match exactly my memory. My house being poor, but clean, and stocked. Her crib perfect, no hazords. Listening to classical music, trying to breast feed, but devastatingly not succeeding with the lack of support and resources, which made me very sad. In and out of therapy, mostly out due to no ride and lack of trust of Alden with her. This event was caused once Alden was told that I was going out to lunch. When in reality, unbeknown to him, I was meeting not only with my father, but with DCF. This prompted an episode, because I had plans to take Karmina with me. Upset that he was not able to watch her, he threw his cell phone. Cellphones during 2012 were not sleek nor slender. They were short, chunky and heavy. He threw his phone, with strength, and it barely missed my infant daughter's head. THIS. was it. It was one thing, clearly, to abuse me. But my love for my daughter gave me this strength, even physical, because as soon as it missed, he became apologetic, scared and regretful, shamed. I grabbed him by his throat, demanded his keys, and I threw him out, slamming the door in his face and locking it with him behind it. I got a restraining order. That was that. It was hard, I admit. But the love I had for Karmina, the dedication I had to protecting her, would be the biggest and final wake up call I would need to truly, walk away.

From that point on, I bounced from staying with my dad temporarily, until my brief stay at a shelter. Due to speaking up against harsh, unfair and ridiculous rules, I was made to leave immediately and with short notice had to leave, which lead us to sleeping on another friends couch. Depleted, steadily yet short lived, ended up back with my dad. Once finally situated, began working part time at Heavenly's. Upon the guidance from my very supporting and loving case worker, instead of getting my diploma, she encouraged me to for my GED and begin college. “I bet my right arm you’ll pass.” She said, and she was correct. I aced my GED, and soon after enrolled part time in community college. I would either be home with my beautiful daughter, completely in love, sober, where people came to me for clean pee, not even smoking, just pure dedication and adoration. Or I was working, or in school. Another tragic moment, arguably the hardest thing I have ever been through, was right around the corner.

Community college felt like another version of Highschool. Similar like my experience with taking classes in high school. The times I showed up for classes, I would ace what I was interested in, then miserably fail at what I was not interested in. I aced my college math and english courses, I even developed a positive relationship with my math teacher. Who showed her support for me as a single mother by suprising me with clothes for Karmina, stuffed animals. My part time job was draining, but a relatively decent income I needed. I had help from the state with EBT, and WIC for formula. I would have childcare help from my friend Elizabeth, as I was only away for 5 hours at a time. It was just me, my daughter and my father living together in his home which he presently resides. Karmina and I shared the room I had as a teenager. I was able to make it cozy, it was a decent sized room, large enough where I could comfortably split it in half; a side for me, and more for her. Randomly, my dad booked us a trip for Florida, with another trip scheduled after to Maryland to attend his families wedding. I was expected to come along. The way that WIC works is you get a set amount of money for specific items, one time a month. The day I had access to these checks to use, happened to be the day we flew to Florida. We had an early morning flight, and as I mentioned time and time again, I was gravely sheltered, inexperienced with life. Which lead me to I assume I was able to use these checks in Florida. I was wrong. Karmina at this time was 9 months old. The WIC covered both formula and some jarred baby food. Though you can and should feed regular food before a year, you do not have to. Once in Florida, we went to the grocery store to stock up. It was there I realized I was not able to use those checks. Short of cash, I had limited amount to spend and a choice to make. I opted for formula, as she needed that the most. I could not afford the baby food, and when I asked my dad to pay for them along with the rest of the groceries, he dismissed me with a harsh and immediate no. Not without his infamous, "Nope. You have money?" So for the few days spent in Florida, she was without baby food. This has relevance for later.

At the pool of the hotel we stayed in, I couldn’t help but notice how younger girls beyond my years, preferred to tan and hang out by the side of the pool. Me, much older, a mother, yet child at heart, opted for cannon balls and splashes. You would think a mother at my age, 19, would beg for a sitter to go out. Instead, innocently, I had asked my dad to watch her for a little while, just so I could take one moment to myself and play in the ocean. Water warm, jumping through the waves. Playing as I once had as a younger me.

Once back home, baby food acquired, life goes back to normal. My dad still had that trip to Maryland planned, except I truly did not want to go. I am weird with family, especially considering I had never met these people, nor did I want to. But beyond that, even if months had passed, I was still heart broken. The last thing I wanted to do was go watch some one get happily married. I really do not know why I did what I did next. I made the worst, most regretable decision of my entire life. I trusted my dad. The trip was either Friday or Saturday to Sunday. They were expected to come back Sunday. I allowed my dad to take her along, because I did not want to be selfish, and have her miss out on an experience. I spent the days without her, sitting on my friends bed, sad, and missing her, anxiously awaiting and longing for her return back. Sunday came around, and I heard absolutely no word. Blowing up his phone, I began to panic. I wish I had called the cops. I guess I was scared, stunned. I am sure my dad, if at all, as I do not recall, offered me some vague answers. Until very clearly, Monday comes along. He tells me via text,

"I have custody of Karmina. If you come near me or the house, I will call the police."

I ran to his house, as Elizabeth lived close nearby. Pounding desperately on the door, no one answered, as expected. I remember grabbing hold of a shovel that was within reach. I bludgened down his front door, shattering it and glass breaking. I was in such a state of shock, anger, so scared and desperate for my baby. My baby girl I was so attached to. Who needed me. I needed her. My coward father called the police. I was handcuffed. Placed in the back of the cop car. Absolutely destroyed of hope, I told them to bring me to jail. If I couldn't have my daughter, I couldn't live. I could not fathom a life where my daughter was not apart of. My dad had them pink slip me instead. Which was a one way trip to the looney bin. He had temporary custody at that time, and a WONDERFUL case, granted full custody. I was in a hospital, one. I was a victim of domestic violence, homeless, oh! Let's throw in neglectful, from that trip. I had no voice.

Once out of the hospital, homeless, my friend, my loyal beautiful loving friend Elizabeth was in tears, pleading me to stay with her. She offered her bed to me to share. I had this heightened trauma response engrained in me where I refused to be a burden. I eventually agreed to stay, but only nights. During the day, I was gone. Looking for what I needed to do, to get my daughter back. Employment, one. Which I got, and blessed I was, for how close it was to me, and ended up being exactly the support I would come to need. I would go in there and work whatever hours they needed from me. I would work for people who called out, which was sometimes 10pm to 6 am, and then working until 12pm. I did all of this because I knew it would earn me their respect needed to accommodate me with future mothers hours I needed once I had her. It was not even a week of being considered homeless, when I also would find yet another beautiful blessing. My first apartment. I was 19. I had nothing. No credit, money, no job at the time, nothing but my word. I told the landlord, who would eventually become more like a father to me than my own father, "I would be so blessed." if he picked me. Little did I know, how greatly that impacted him, being that he was religious. He didn't look like what you would expect a religious person to look like. He looked more and presented like a happy go lucky hippy! I had a roommate, an older guy whom resided there previously, and my rent was $425. The apartment was GORGEOUS. Two bedroom, with a large front room, hard wood floors. Gorgeous lighting, washer and dryer, dish washer. It was also ONE STREET away from my dads house, and 10 minutes walking distance from my job.

It was six months of fighting before me and Karmina would be together again. My dad withheld her from me on her first birthday. He would hand her off to Claire and her family, who still, werent my greatest fans, or anyone else he could pass her off to. I barely saw her. I was able to see her supervised, either by Claires mother, or at a center. I remember it being 45 minutes long a visit. I would set out across town, on foot, three hours early just to get there and wait. 45 minutes I had with my daughter, 45 minutes once a fucking week. My dad held her over my head like a weapon. I know why he did this. He did it for power, control. His ex wife left him, and took his daughter, my younger sister, away with her. He always and continues to blame me for that happening. My debilitating mental health from being abused and abandoned, with no support, or at the very least, even an explanation. Being completely isolated, outcasted and neglected by them, lead me to behavior problems he will always use as an excuse to his negligence and failing. He will never admit what he did was wrong. He to this day thinks he did the right thing. He has no idea the damage he not only did to me, but to Karmina as well. Every single day, of those long cold and empty 6 months, I wanted to die. I showed up to work disgusting, dirty, a mess. I was a blank page. I was depressed, I lost 30 lbs, the skinniest I had ever been. I lost my relationship and friendship with Elizabeth. I became a bad friend. A bad person. I was miserable. The light at the end of the tunnel was Karmina, and nothing would prevent me from getting her back. I walked through blizzards to get to work, 4 am, dodging snow plows. As I said, i worked literally any time they allowed. I earned my hours, being a hard worker. I dont care that it was just Dunks. I worked hard. My boss, Nate. One day, he pulled me aside. Everyone took notice of my demeanor and overall dirty appearance, but only Nate would pull me aside and address it. He told me he understood. He understood what I was going through. He mentioned his own story, with his wife and kids. He told me that I need to take care of myself. That I am smart, and I am going to go far. I hope he knows how much that meant to me, to this DAY. from that point on, I changed. I changed my appearance, my energy. It was a necessary kick in the ass. I remember my birthday had passed during this, and no one on my very close crew had said anything all day, why would they? But then, as I am in the drive through, they suprised me with a cake-with blue frosting, my favorite color. The support I had was unlike anything I had ever experienced. At dunks, I would also meet another friend, Summer, whom I remain close to this day. My landlord, Brandon, was another form of support I couldn't have expected. He taught me how to DRIVE, when i had no one to teach me. He let me use his beamer, he invited me up for our annual misfit Christmas. He gave me a laptop as support and encouragement to return to college. It wasn't an inapropriate type of situation, not once did he make me feel uncomfortable. It truly felt like he was there for me as any father would be. He cared for me so much, in a way I had never encountered. There of course was fallout with that, too. But not between me and him, it would later, way later, be between he and his psycho wife. The loss of Brandon haunts me to this day.

All while this went on, DCF was involved, and my case worker supported me so much. She relentlessly advocated for reunification. Another support system that saw me, saw how hard I was working. I had a job. a home. daycare secured. everything she needed. I was in therapy. sober. So 6 months later, 6 long, painful months, I got my baby back.

That day was the best day of my life. My dad went all the way to Salem MA, because he's known for his bullshit games he plays in court, the judge even called him out for it. As soon as the decision was made, I rushed out of there, frantically rushing back, right to her school, and took her out.

I didn't miss her first steps. I witnessed that in real time. But this separation cost us our once strong bond. Karmina was hysterical anytime i left her sight. She was sucking her thumb 24/7. It shatters my heart in a million pieces when I allow myself to remember this. I try to look forward, push forward, not harbor resentment. But from that experience, I learned a valuable lesson. I will never trust my dad. Let me just say. I could have done what he did to me, to him. But I didn't. Maybe I should have. The only reason I didnt, was because of Karmina. Why would I want to hurt her like that? He was allowed to see her. But on weekends. Not weekdays, when court was in session. I was careful, paranoid, timid.

I adjusted just fine to being a single mother. That's not to say it was easy, it was far from it. Fortunately, Karmina's daycare offered transportation. I would not have been able to do what I did if it didn't, as I did not have a car or a license at this time. I earned my hours at Dunkin Donuts, working 7 AM-2PM. I would walk to work and be home just in time for her to be dropped off. The apartment I was living in, was finally starting to feel like a home with my beautiful daughter being with me. Upon moving in, there was already a man living there, my roommate, of the name Max. He was late twenties, early thirties. Obviously that wasn't an ideal roommate, but given my situation, I had limited choices. He seemed decent enough, he was a very quiet and reserved person. Problems didn't begin right away, but when they did, it wasn't good. For example, it was found out that he had some attraction towards me. I was young, and beautiful, but this attraction was not harmless. If my friend, Henry, was not with me, I do not know what would have happened to me. He served me ONE glass of E&J, which after consuming, my entire body went stiff. I could not move, let alone speak. Apparently Max was begging Henry to sleep with me, offering him his red bike I would use to get to work. Do I know 100% if this is the truth, told by Henry? Henry was prone to story telling, but given the circumstances, it doesn't feel like to far of a stretch. Max would later move out, after beginning a relationship with a woman me and Henry called "the Hamster." We chose that name because she would often eat our food, and stashed snacks. The hamster was also a raging heroin addict, which prompted their immediate move out. In need of a new roommate, my friend and co worker, Summer, moved in. However, I moved into Max's once room, and Summer took my old one.

It wasn't until I would get together with my first boyfriend after Alden where I would make the change from Dunks, as well as get my license. His name is Darren. Darren was actually Elizabeth's brother. Again. NOT planned. You see, when being friends with Elizabeth as an angsty teen, when I would hangout with her she would take hours getting ready. They lived in a smaller apartment, so I would hangout in the living room while she took forever with her hair and make up. The living room is where her older brother would also hangout. He was crazy, not only did Elizabeth constantly warn me of it, I witnessed it. He would have these random episodes where he'd get all riled up, painting his room wildly with red paint. But for the most part, we had really good conversations. about books, movies, THINGS. This was unfamiliar to me, this deep intellectual connection felt. I realized through him, I liked this side of me.

So one late night, randomly, Darren showed up to my apartment with his dog. From that point on, we became close friends and hung out regularly. Darren was handsome, intelligent, and he had drive. He constanly pushed me, and raived about me to others. I didnt realize we were even dating initially, I truly believed we were just good friends casually hanging out. It was not until he introduced me as his girl friend, did I learn that i was. He brought out the earthy side of me. Baseball cap, jeans, t shirt and sneakers me. through long talks, ambission, gardening, and drinking tea, I uncovered more and more layers of myself. He pushed me to get a better job, to expand my resume. which i did, but it happened to be an hour away... by car. Ultimately leading to quite the hassle to get there, but admittedly, did open up doors for more opportunities with new experience. He then pushed me to get my license. Which I did. Darren graduated with his engineering degree, but struggled with finding work. I would also come to realize, he struggled with alcohol. More learned and unpleasant things would show up soon enough. Darren was an alcoholic. Absolutely depedent on it. Excuses upon excuses, any reason to drink. Ritualistic drinking habits. Nips he would store in the pocket of his t shirt, throwing beer cans out his car window. As he was not yet established as an engineer, he was working at a moving company with sleazy older men, with whom he would commonly drink with, even sometimes doing cocaine. Later, cheating.

the first time he told me so casually. Darren came up to me, and nonchalantly said, "I got head from a whore last week. I wanted to tell you, because I respect you." He then turned away, and proceeded to go to the kitchen, to make himself a sandwich. I ran outside and sobbed. with Summer comforting me, until Darren comes, SUPRISED to see that i was so upset. Remember what they say about cheaters? Once a cheater always a cheater?

We had an experience using an ouija board that was chilling. I did not believe in the after life, spirits or ghosts until I saw it with my own eyes. I nearly passed out. From using it, I dont know why Iasked the questions i did, it was as if something had taken over me. but the spirits told me things i was shocked to hear. I started by innocently asking if I was going to die soon. Which they said yes. Every single question I asked, being more specific bringing me to the answer I wasn’t expecting. Apparently, to this one masculine spirit we were speaking to, through the board, Darren was going to kill me. When i used it, it was Summer, another huge skeptic. I refused to use it with my other friend who was there, Henry. Henry was not as trustworthy as Summer, as everything was always a joke to him. My and Summers fingers barely touching, it would WHOOSH to yes, to no. as far as spelling out “Energy” when I asked them how they are even able communicating with me. The biggest adrenaline rush pumped throughout my body when I read that. At this time, anything spiritual was completely foreign to me. I would later make Darren use it with us. But whenever his fingers touched, it wouldnt move. You felt the anger coming from the male spirit we were speaking to. Which not only was I shocked when i had asked this particular question, as it came from seemingly the other side, but so wasn't darren. I asked clearly, "Is Darren a Narcissist?" I didn't even know what that word was, or meant. Darren looked at me, as if i had discovered his secret, "what did you just say?"

they rushed to yes.

Darren would also end up anally raping me. My first time doing that. Held me down, smothered me, and did it without consent or warning. smothering my cries of pain, just using me. the following day, hanging out with Henry, I felt something. Like Henry was hiding something from me. Henry and I were very close, very connected. We had this uncanny ability to just get each other. I dont know why i jumped to this right away, maybe it was like he wanted to tell me. I asked him flat out. did you hook up with Darren? He begged me to not get mad, or hurt him. I lied and said I wouldn’t. He confessed yes. He had given Darren a blow job. The DAY he had raped me. It all made sense. Why he took out his sick and twisted fantasies out on me. Hysterical, I threw Henry out, throwing a lot cigarette at him. But then I stopped myself. I couldnt blame Henry. I couldn’t go down the path of blaming and hating Henry, it would lead me down to inevitably forgiving the wrong person. Henry WAS a good person, a good friend. he was young, niave. Darren was scary person to say no to, and persusasive. I knew I had to forgive Henry, but not Darren. This was the third time of being cheated on by him, betrayed. I took out all of his things, and threw them outside. I told him I was done and to leave me alone, to stay away from me.

Which is when the threatening began. I had to leave my house because after the countless death threats, taunting me with spewing, "ouija will come true" - he would end up sending me pictures taken of my house keys from INSIDE my house. I stayed with summer at her boyfriends house until I got a restraining order. i have seen him once since, several years ago. I was scared, I was at the store, buying smokes as he came in, I stopped what I was doing and ran out. He geniunely terrifies me.

Once again, transitioning back to single mother hood. Doting on Karmina, securing another job more realistic for my situation, close by, greater pay and better hours. Since Summer had moved in with her boyfriend, I was due for a new roommate. Emmett was some one I had met in my stay at the hospital during the beginning of my separation with Karmina. Emmett and I became friends, good friends, and eventually would earn a spot as my best friend. He was looking to gain independence from his mother, and became my roommate. I didnt see him as anything more than a friend. Perhaps due to his physical looks, he was a heavier set, with a big nose, blue eyes, dimples, brown hair, and a wonderful sense of humor. Emmett brought out another side of me, that inner child I longed for. Emmett secretly longed for my love, which i would tell him countless times, you do not want me. i am a mess. i am not okay. and i wasnt. all of the trauma i had experienced, gunked up inside me, especially after being raped. I never got help for that, or any other traumas. I quite literally just lived and survived, barely scraping by emotionally, not knowing which way was up or down. Just figuring it out on the way, and enjoying the ride. One drunken night, horny flirty me takes over, hungry for affection. I slept with Emmett, which he saw as his opportunity to pull at my heart strings. After 6 months, slowly and gradually, I developed deep feelings of love for Emmett. His physical features rearranged, he became some one I found to be cute, handsome. Some one I wanted to be with. And so I was. Emmett was not the problem and the reason for our fallout. I take full responsibility for that. I had warned him truly about how fucked up I was, how hurt made me distorted. Emmett was so good to me. he had many friends that were girls, which was a huge trigger to me. I was paranoid, and jealous, controlling. Emmett was sweet, romantic and kid. Surprising me with flowers delivered to work, flowers he picked from peoples yards, candy and cookies after work. Our sex life wasn’t the best, which would lead me to cheating relentlessly on him. I wouldn’t hide it, I would openly tell him I was going to do this. So he could accept it, or leave. Completely evil, and wrong. After what was a year of torment, my inability to accept or understand love, he finally left me. But Taurus, as he was, he left and he left and never turned back. He had me blocked for years, not until later did I understand the damage I had done. I would later send him emails of apologies. Begging for his forgiveness. The Emmett I would meet again down the road, was not the sweet one I had known. I made him lustful, cold. We have not spoken in years.

Emmett and my relationship ended in the summer of 2015. I maintained the full-time job at a car dealership I had when we were together, as well as the apartment. When Emmett was living with me initially, he had one of the bedrooms in the apartment. The layout of the apartment made it so that the front room, once used as a playroom, could technically be used as a bedroom. It connected to the living room but had doors that separated one another. At the time of Emmett's move in, the front room was a playroom, and my daughter and I shared a room. However, during the time, a coworker whom I didn't necessarily trust, but had a child the same age as my own, came to me desperately facing homelessness. Feeling empathetic, against everyone in my life's warnings, I allowed her to move in to what was that from room. So when Emmett moved out, that roommate remained. Her name was Melissa. Melissa, as well as the landlords new girlfriend, Mary, were the main reason to this day my likeness for Cancers has been tainted.

Brandon, my land lord whom lived upstairs, when I had moved in was a single, bachelor type. He would have new faces in and out, sometimes asking me to go up and remove jewelry items to avoid being seen by one woman or another. He was a very pleasant, respectful person and once again, I never felt uncomfortable. However, either before or during my relationship with Emmett, Mary entered the picture. She was a very small, kind woman when I first met her. Originally, we all had a really close relationship. Often invited up for misfit Holidays, and dinners, and sometimes I would go to their church with them. I am not religious, but I did not mind showing my genuine support, as well as Emmett. As I got to know Mary and Brandon's relationship, I began seeing a different side of her. A very crazy, jealous side. For example, it was Christmas, and apparently she and Brandon had decided they would not get one another presents, only to others. So upon seeing Brandon's gift to me, which was a potato masher (so i would stop needing to borrow his) as well as a straight talk phone plan, she became enraged. Our Christmas dinner was soon at a halt, as Mary threw a tantrum, throwing things and screaming. It was just apparent that she was a very jealous woman, with a lot of emotional problems. When Emmett and I broke up, Brandon said to me, with Mary there, "Now that you are single, the guys are going to be lining up. You have to be careful." Not without sharing with me that he loved me. I remember seeing Mary's face, not really aligned with him, she adds, "WE love you." But I feel like that bothered her some.

All the while, Melissa was living with me, as well as her daughter, Clara. Clara and my daughter got along very well. I found myself taking on the role of Clara's caregiver. Melissa worked, and went to school, so as a single mother, I wanted to support her. However, I ended up having Clara A LOT of the time, where I would end up starting a routine for both of the girls. At the time, she and her daughter shared a room together-the front room. Mina having her own room, once Emmett's. and me with my own, the smallest of them. Melissa was some one I could not figure out if we were even friends. Given at the time I was completely unaware of my autism, so I struggled with reading in-between the lines with her. I felt like when she said something was up, she really meant down. I would often second guess every interaction. I also didn't support her role as a mother at the time. There was an instance which ultimately lead me to having the girls share a room. I walked out to the living room, and stumbled upon Clara-wet-asleep on the couch. Other occasions, I would hear Melissa making sexual noises indicating she had some one in there with her, with her daughter present. I tried bringing it up, and she would immediately deny it. She also didn't respect the boundaries I had with my daughter's biological father. We had no contact as there was obvious domestic violence, but I would come across times where she would send him snap chats of my daughter. I had other boundaries with Melissa, such as, do not invite strange men over without permission-for safety-as I did not trust her taste in men. Typically, they were drug addicts or criminals. She would ignore these rules time and time again. After setting a routine for the girls, when she was home, she would break the routine and have Clara up until well past midnight. I would also come to learn that the times I had watched Clara, assumingly for her to go to school or work, she was actually partying. She would post it on facebook, and hide it from me, which would have worked if our mutual friend did not disclose it to me. Regardless, I made the best out of my situation.

late October of 2015, I received a DM from this guy who had added me randomly. His name was Rob, and he was living in Medford, per his facebook, which prompted me to add him in the first place, as Medford was my childhood home. Facebook also indicated he was an electrician, in a union. He messaged me saying that he enjoyed/related the memes that I posted, and that he found me cute. I usually do not enjoy talking to people, as I get bored easily, but with him, it was nice. The conversation kept on, and it felt right. We made plans to hangout on Halloween, with him coming over. I am sure there was the expectation, and desire of sex, as it had been some time. He didn't have a lot of pictures of himself on facebook, but the ones I had seen of him, he looked cute. Upon meeting him for the first time, the mutual physical attraction we had for one another was obvious. He was a tall, slender, sharp jawed man, with piercing brown eyes, and golden hair. He had the boston guy look that I liked, jeans, casual, work boots, backwards hat. He was very quiet at first, I had dressed up for this encounter, I wore my black mini skirt, black tights, and off the shoulder fitted shirt. He sat on the barstool by bed, and spun uncomfortably as he just was transfixed on me. Our conversation, as it was through text, was around the same, very easy. We had a lot in common, and vibed really well. I remember asking him what his birthday was. He started with "November-" which made me sink. UGH. Not another scorpio male, as two of my boyfriends, and the worst of them, had been scorpios. Emmett was a taurus. He then finished with the END of November, which would make him a Sagittarius. A fire sign, like me, and a new experience. I would love to get into detail of our first sexual experience, because it was good. He had a disease where a side effect of it was that he was unable to have kids. But he was very big, and I am, well, very small. He had asked me if I was a virgin, and on several occassions I had bled. But there was chemistry, and he was a very romantic person. Even after all of these "green flags"-(of course there were red flags. Like, he didn't have his own place.) I wasn't looking to jump into a relationship. In fact, I suggested us establishing a friends with benefits type of relationship-something I have had in the past that worked for me. Basically, no emotional bullshit that comes along with relationships. Simply casual. This proposition offended him. He was very offended that I would see him as something as just casual, sexual. He would then spend months afterwards trying to earn a place in my life. As he lived in Medford, and didnt have a car either, he would take the train to me. Sometimes just for an hour or two, to give me flowers, or a kiss. When Melissa first met Rob, she grimaced at me later, stating he was "grossly skinny", insinuating drugs. Rob had a disease, cystic fibrosis, which made him very skinny. It wasn't grotesque, but certainly noticeable. I remember being very defensive of him to her.

It took me awhile before I would feel comfortable with him, as that's just who I am. Typically I have had some history or friendship with the people I would soon date, but this was a different situation. This was purely romantic interest, and sometimes his attractiveness, wittiness, and intelligence made me very self conscious. I couldn't for the life of me wrap my head around why he would be interested in me. I was independent, sure, pretty, funny, smart, but I was also a very weird, shy, and insecure person-single mother, at that. Which perhaps due to his disease, his inability of having children peaked his interest in adopting a family role with us. He was good to me, as he was to Mina. He spoiled her, and spent quality time with her. eventually, the distance between us would lead to him moving in with us. He still worked in Boston, so would still take the train to and from. Our relationship initially was healthy, sometimes we would drink a lot, which ended up causing a situation that would force me out of what had been my home, my first home.

The break up of me and Emmett caused a rift between me and Mary. Even though we had an established relationship prior to Emmett, she sided with him. Because of this, she would shun me. If I walked out to have a smoke, with her out there, she would immediately ash hers out, and go inside, without speaking a word, or looking at me. My bond with Brandon was still there, but this divide made it uncomfortable. I had so much bottled up rage towards the entire thing, given she refused to address it or speak to me about it. So one night, Rob and I drinking, I catch wind that who is upstairs with Brandon and Mary? But Emmett. All of the emotions spiraling inside me, along with the alcohol, lead me to spiral. It was here when I decided to confront Mary. We both exchanged angry words, and she got into my face. To which, I slapped her. Yup. I slapped her. I then took out all of my pent up anger towards Melissa out on her, and tried to fight her. I was just so upset, and obviously handled it very wrong. This altercation lead me to needing to move out. Brandon broke the news to me, and assured me it was not his choice. But as they were married, I was not more important than his wife, his child. (they ended up having a baby at their old age) This news broke me. These people loved me, sheltered me, spent holidays with me. Gifted me a car-granted it was unused and old, a car nonetheless. Taught me how to drive, loved and cared for me. Now it was all falling apart. Then the fear of homelessness crept in. However, this time, I was not facing this alone. Rob was with me, and supported me the entire time. It was soon after where we would move into our next home, together.

Our new home was in Haverhill still, just across the bridge. Not in the nice, quiet neighborhood I had previously, but inside of the apartment, was very nice. It was off of a main road, third floor apartment. It had an open floor plan, with three bedrooms. Washer, dryer, dishwasher and porch access. It was nice. Our landlord, won over by Rob's charm, was an obvious pill popper. I had also quit my job and went to another car dealership, and purchased another car, which was a standard that I had to learn to drive AFTER purchasing. I had both Ford Focuses under my name, but Rob would use the older one as a way to get to and from work.

At this new job, I would meet a new friend, of the name Sasha. She was an aries, too, single mother of a boy a little younger than Mina. My friendship with her at work made it fun, and the two of us did well together on the floor, selling, until I moved back into online sales which I was better at. My other friends I had known for awhile, but have not mentioned, were Lee, and Pagan. I went to high school with both of them, but they were not in the same friend groups. Pagan I met through Claire, and with my friendship with Claire drifted, I got closer with Pagan. Pagan has always been like a sister to me. I am older than her by a month exactly, but she always was the wiser. She was a free spirit, independent and cat lady whom I adored. Lee, I do not know when or where we began being friends. It seemed to just happen. She had a brief sexual history with my daughter's father, which she never failed to forget. She hung out with the stoners, and was a very emotional person. As she had been consistent-maybe not in a physical way, but nonetheless, always "there"-she was chosen as mina's god mother. We didn't hangout a lot, but we were in communication frequently, often exchanging panic attacks. During this time, she went to college hours away. I remained being friends with Summer, though didn't hang out a lot, and did not speak to Melissa, Mary or Brandon.

We adopted a dog, of the name Salem. He was a beagle-lab mix, and was considered our child. He was a good, loyal companion. On my way to work, I would drop Salem off at doggy daycare, and Mina to her school. Pagan would be hired to walk him during the day as well. As we had a three bedroom, and not much use for the second large room, we would use it for Salem and his things. We all adored Salem, and the adventures we had. We had a tragedy occur, that shifted everything, especially me and Rob's relationship. Salem was the first dog in 10 years to jump over the fence of his school. Which lead him to getting his by a car. He hadn't made it to a year old, hadnt been nuetered yet. He was around 6 months old. This experience was shattering. getting that phone call, broke me, broke us.

That wasn't the only thing that lead us to eventually splitting up. Although I do not remember details as to how things were, I know that at the time I was battling as an undiagnosed person. I had no idea what was wrong, as at this time I didn't have the awareness to evaluate myself. I just know that being in constant duress, lead to a crumbling relationship with Rob. I would erupt with melt downs, beyond his awareness or understanding. Sometimes these would escalate and would be violent. I would routinely kick him out, for these fights, and then one day upon kicking him out, he didn't come back.

This 3 bedroom apartment was not something I was able to afford on my own. I worked full time, I made money, but not enough to cover everything. I still had two cars, one Rob used to go to and from work. The other was my car, but it was financed, and in order to get approved, Rob was a co signer. I put down $3,000 on this car, I made all of the payments, and paid the insurance. So not only did Rob leave me high and dry, in the lease, he also left taking that car. The old car he used was not safe for me or my child. He also left it barely drivable, and filled with garbage. I had to hire some one to break into the car when he was at work, make a new key. Only for him to come back and force the keys from me. It took bags and bags to clean out the car he used, which I sold well below it's value. I also went back into survival mode, and started my search for a roommate.

Besides Melissa, and Max, I feel like I have had good experiences with roommates. So I put up an ad on craigslist, and that's where I would meet not only my new roommate, but a very special person. Their name was Moe. At the time of meeting them I do not know if they were non binary, but they are now, so I will be using they/them pronouns, and will do my best to keep their character interpretation as gender fluid. When I met them, I believe they had short hair. They were short, petite, and dirty blonde. Somewhat timid, they had their own situation going on. As the rent was still $1200, it was decided the rent would be split in half. The other big bedroom was not being used, so that would become theirs. It had a hallway attached leading to a walk in closet, that at the time I was still using. Moe worked in retail, and ended up being a human full of personality, and drive. Their parents would be sending a check of $300 to me, to help with the rent. I learned a lot through Moe. They were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and struggled with self harm. Something that I myself had a history of. As we got to know one another, they shared with me that maybe I was borderline. This was something that struck me. Claire, my old friend, her older sister was diagnosed with it as well. It was something that I had heard of, but never had the self awareness to associate with myself. It was something that was in the back of mind, creeping, but never connected the dots. Around the time of this conversation, I began that self reflection, of, maybe I am or could be borderline. I think for a moment I felt myself growing feelings for Moe. Nothing major, or that would compromise our relationship, it was just a feeling that I had noticed.

Moe and my timelines also lined up strongly close. For example, they would soon meet their partner, Robert, who was a charming fellow. Moe was a Sagittarius, and a fellow Libra moon-such as myself. We got a long really well. Robert was a mellow, funny taurus who they had met singing karaoke. Which for Moe, an amazing talented performer and singer, couldn't have been more perfect. Soon after Moe met Robert, I would meet some one else-later to become my future partner. Their name, was James.

Telling the story of how James and I met is a fun story to tell. Only because it stretches back years and years back. But initially, the meeting of us was encouraged by my friend-whom I am still friends with to this day, Alexa. Alexa knew James through work, and she said:

"When I hung out with him, it was like I was hanging out with you, and vice versa. I am seeing a match here."

She showed me his picture, and I knew exactly who he was. Another old friend, not some one I feel like I was ever close to, Lori, had "dated him." If Lori saw it as serious, wouldn't surprise me. But knowing Lori and the situation, I knew that it wasn't. Lori was some one who had a lot of flings that didn't last long, nothing that was serious. Nonetheless, I felt like I couldn't "date" some one that a friend had. It felt wrong, weird. But I remember that when Lori had shown me his pictures, months ago, I felt that he was cute. I remember feeling surprised because this wasn't some one I thought would be her type. He was more so my type. Slender, nerdy looking. Glasses, hat, quirky smile. Upon Lori showing me those pictures, I would start seeing James! He apparently worked at a company doing deliveries, and I would frequently see him delivering at my job. At this time, I had left the car industry, and took work at a factory-still doing sales, but in an entirely different setting. Not only would I see him at my old job, but he delivered to my home before. I also remember that as I was walking through down town, something I did a lot, as I did not have a car anymore, I would experience one particular encounter with him. I remember walking, and seeing him up ahead, walking towards me, on the phone. He may not have known me or who I was, but through Lori, and seeing him on and off, I felt like it was okay to wave and say hello. Which I did, and I remember him, not saying it back, but pausing while on the phone, stopping, as I walked by. Like, he was stunned almost. Which later he would say it was because he was surprised that a pretty girl like me would say hello to him. I also had another memory flash of James, we went to school together. Not only that, but he was friends with a kid I had become friends with, Corey. Corey was my first friend at this new school, and it was obvious that at the time, he liked me and wanted to be with me. He wanted us to lose our virginity together, and he was very controlling over me. He was not fond of the choices I was making-sound familiar-and seems like he hated me for them. I remember James bouncing up and down the hallways, as well as I remember him staring me down, glaring at me. Because I was dating/"hurting" his friend.

James would end up messaging me on facebook, as our friend Alexa had requested him to do. He asked me to hangout with him, and me being me, had bailed on him. Eventually, I would ask if he wanted to come along to the park with me and my daughter. We met outside of the enterprise that was next door to where my apartment building was. My first impression of him was shy, guarded. He was carrying a small binder/notebook, and had his phone with him to keep working. At the park, some girl would come up to him and greet him. I remember feeling uncomfortable, awkward. I am not sure if I felt jealous. Off the bat, I found myself being myself around him. Something extremely rare, not even in the slightest am I being dramatic. I am not so easily myself around people. Usually I am shy, awkward, panicky. Avoiding eyecontact, and just not myself. With him, it felt different. Like, we had known each other before, in a past life. It wasn't soon after we slept together, which was incredible. TMI, but I um, orgasmed like three times, which was something i had rarely done. Turns out, he cheated and used some type of spray because that type of scenario never happened again. Guys, if you are reading this, do not ever do that. Not only is that unsafe because god forbid some one has a reaction, it's also incredibly dishonest. James and I felt like good friends, and soon would spend a lot of time together. He strangely lived in an office building down town which was weird to me. I think that I had encouraged him to stay with me, because of this. I believe that at this time, Robert and Moe were staying together, which wasn't a problem because I liked and trusted them both. James would begin telling his family that he had met his wife, being me. I remember warning him in the same way that I did with Emmett. I feel like James just saw me as my outer layer. Which isn't abnormal considering how fresh it was. But I feel like that's all he wanted to see. This beautiful, femine girl, being me, taking an interest to him. I also learned that upon meeting him, he had lost his father. His father died a day before my birthday, and a few months before us hanging out. Through our mutual friend who had introduced us, we would also end up rescuing and adopting a cat together. We have him to this day, his name is Juniper Salem, named after my dog. Juniper, an orange and white tabby cat, was essentially feral. But, he became apart of our little family.

4th of July came, and I received a message from my ex, Rob. A very long, "i want you back" message. I showed James. I chose James. I told Rob that I was with some one, to which he replied that he was embarrassed, shared some nasty thoughts about James, and that he was shocked I had moved on so fast.

I would soon end up cheating on James. But I feel like I am not all at fault. James and I were having sex, when James became somewhat rough, he wouldn't stop when I asked him to stop. He continued having sex with me, after me telling him I wanted him to stop. It made me feel dehumanized, like I was just a piece of meat. Apparently, he assumed that I had wanted that. I didn't, at all. This event would lead me to spiral, do that runaway thing that I usually do, and I would end up taking a train to see Rob. It's that thing that I do time and time again. I run away, in search of a solution to the problem. A solution that doesn't exist. It's just the only thing that I ever had, this illusion. This fabrication that some one is going to save me. Rob ended up using me, consensually though. This event, would distort my relationship with James I think. I feel like we both didn't process what happened correctly. It is when the hatred we would would have for each other, would later manifest. I feel like me and James were to hurt kids, who felt safe enough with one another to be kids. Avoidant of the real world, nestled up in this illusion we had created. It was an unspoken agreement we had with another. We were going to try for a baby. I wanted a baby boy for so long. Please do not ask me why. I just did. Having children with Rob was not an option, as his disease, so this new infatuation felt like it would work. Three months, that is all it took, three months of knowing each other, when I would fall pregnant. It is here when everything started to change between us.

James was emotionally immature, and avoidant. He would play mind games with me, that would trigger me to no end, especially with now becoming pregnant. He would test me, test my reactions to things, that would send me spiraling. Shaving my head, and contemplating having an abortion. I couldn't handle all of the stress. I know that me and James technically dated, but at this present real life time, I feel like we truly didn't. It was all a fabrication. None of it was real. We were just two love sick, hurt little puppies, using each other to lick our wounds. What's funny, about me and Moe and our time lines lining up, is that soon before discovering I was pregnant, Moe would become pregnant themself. Later to be discovered they were carrying twins!

Moe and Robert decided to move to Tennessee with the rest of Moe's family, before the twins would be born, as moving with newborns would be nearly impossible. My two loved roommates would also begin to have issues with James. They both did not like him. Which would lead me to be in the middle of it. James was an outwardly untrustworthy presenting person. When you first meet him, it's almost as if there is a mask, but as you get to know him, you see a different side. It's not to say he's a bad person, I think he's just such a wounded, hurt person, that lack of awareness that I had once, he had, but he was far deeper in the hole than I had been. He wasn't honest with himself or others with whatever it was that was the real problem. Perhaps he himself had no idea what it even was, but how it translated after would come off extremely hostile, vague, confusing. Ultimately, untrustworthy. My pregnancy made me very sick. When I was pregnant with my first, the pregnancy was a breeze. I had no symptoms, barely even looked pregnant, let alone feel it. I would work long hours, with no issue. With this pregnancy, I was constantly sick, throwing up or nauseous. I was tired, constantly, and my skin would dry up, and I would have the worst acne I had ever had. Working while pregnant would prove to be difficult, which may have started the financial dependency on James, and James sinking with all of the pressure. With no more roommates, we made the decision to move out. Which we would end up moving a street away, to a dreary 2 bedroom basement apartment, where we would spend the next three years of our lives.

At the appointment to find out the gender, I was so nervous, as I was excited. I had been telling myself it was a girl, a way to control my potential disappointment. I had done the same with my first. I had told myself the entire time, she was a boy, because I wanted a girl, and wanted to spare myself the same disappointment. But on both occasions, I was happily wrong- and both times, I got what I wanted. However, the realization of having a boy, swept in, and I became uncontrollably upset. Sobbing, because having and raising a boy was something I was afraid of. COUNTLESS times, I had been hurt by men. I wanted to raise a good man. Some one a woman could feel safe with. An alley. some one who is emotionally intelligent, who can communicate. It was scary to learn that I would be brining another man into the world. I was scared. Naturally, James was happy. As his first child, who wouldn't want their first to be a boy? He was overjoyed. Finding a name was hard, I found a few but nothing fit. My name for Karmina came easy, because it seemed as though she had picked it. James was the one who chose what would be his name. It was Tobias. Initially, I was a little skeptical of it. It was hard to say, it felt different coming out of my mouth. But as Karmina has room for a nic name, Mina, I found that so didn't Tobias, as Toby. I like nicnames. I think they're cute. So Tobias it was, and for his father, whom James himself is named after, we chose Tobias James. I would work on and off, and spend every waking moment preparing for this new addition. As breast feeding was something I was unsuccessful with, I was determined to breast feed with Tobias. I am happy to say I was, and that we had for well past his first birthday.

Karmina, who had been an only child for the entirety of her life, I wanted to do something special for her. As a way to celebrate her, this new transition. Randomly, one morning at like 5 am, I was like. Let's go to Disney world. That may sound a little crazy, but honestly not all that unrealistic. My grandparents are what is called "snow birds"- meaning that they go down to Florida every winter. I would plan this trip for when they were down there, so we could stay with them. James would end up leaving his original delivery job-as it was truthfully a mess and not a consistent earned income. He would find a job at a restaurant where he would be up until now. He started with $14 an hour, but would eventually end up making $25 an hour, as he proved himself. The trip we would take, would be for a few days. I planned all of it, we opted for Spirit-a very cheap flight. The tickets for all of us was $300. We also didn't bring any luggage, just one bag each that we would put all of our stuff in. My grandparents, would cover the room and board, and food. I think I gained like 10 lbs. I had full intentions of paying for our disney passes, but as the trip was around the time of my birthday, they suprised us by covering those tickets as well. I love disney. James, and Mina-not so much. they would have been content if we had saved the time and money and went to six flags.

I also want to mention, that upon finding out I was pregnnat, Alden got another woman pregnant. Not only did he do that, but he decided that now, 6 years later, now that I am nearing the end of my pregnancy, that NOW would be the time to pursue visitations. Alden and I had been to court before. He is technically entitled to visitations. The court as far as I know, are aware that there was domestic violence. Aware of his criminal history. They were not aware of the sexual assault that would end up causing the pregnancy. I do not think that the age difference, the fact I was technically groomed, a minor, played a factor. Our previous court dates years back, said that in order for visitation rights, he would have to comply with certain things. One being, completing a domestic violence class. The class was 40 weeks long, and you had to pay for it. What was different about this court case with Alden, was that he had an attorney-paid for by the one family member he had with money. Here I was, around 7-8 months pregnant, HUGE, being made to go to court with my abuser, up against not only him, but a professional, all on my own. The lawyer had requested depositions, was requesting buried paperwork, filing left and right, requesting and demanding. I decided that I needed to look into finding outside professional support. Which I found, through a domestic violence agency, Jean Gieger. There, I would be connected with an attorney. Though she could not legally be appointed to this case, we would meet and she would help me with every thing I would need. Essentially, I would be my own lawyer, with her telling me step by step what to do. So when his lawyer would request something from me, as a way to scare me, I would uno reverse him, and request the same information from him. Which, by the way, I never recieved. Alden would re enter the batter program, and get kicked out soon after. I was in close contact with the man who held the class. He would tell me, and all was documented, happily by this man, how Alden thought the class was funny. That he would joke, and goof off. As if domestic violence is funny. He would end up resigning up, later to be kicked out again. The case, was thrown out. The relief I felt was euphoric. I was preparing myself, prematurely, exploring visitation sites, and psyching myself out at how cold, scary they would look to my daughters eyes. To be made to be left with this stranger, in this unfamiliar setting. Against her wishes, against my own. The judge ripped Alden a new one, and that was that. To this day, he has not even bothered to go back. He has fallen back into his criminal history, and I believe he is in jail as I write this. He is also not present in his other child's life. I have heard, that like me, the mother of this child was young and doesn't allow him to see the baby out of safety concerns. I truly believe, with every fiber of my being, that Alden did this only to get back at me, out of the sick obsession he has for me. For now, justice is served, and he has remained out of our lives. Which is the best, for all of us.

My water broke with Tobias June 2, around 5 pm. Contractions began around 10pm, and he was born at 3:23 AM. He was absolutely perfect. I am grateful I had researched and decided against getting him circumcised. I feel like had Karmina been a boy, I would have. Only because my young, niave age, and the assumed pressure that would have come from Alden, as he was himself cut. I decided against it, because it is an inhumane practice that shouldn't be allowed. The nurse had even asked me after giving birth if I wanted to. So the fact that the nurses add in to it, by asking, is messed up to me. It's mutilation. Your child was just born, and you are going to allow them to be taken away, held down, and their skin cut off with no pain medication. Thanks, but no thanks. Oh, it's a purely cosmetic surgery too, it is NOT necessary. I am both surprised and thankful that James, a cut person himself, supported this along with me. Not that I would allow his opinion to govern my choice for what is in the best interest of my child, but it had never been an issue. He was open to the research, and he himself understood and became against it as well. My beautiful boy entered the world, with a head full of thick hair. to the point where the nurses would have to comb it, that different nurses would stop by to pay a visit to this mopped head little boy. He latched just fine, he was absolutely the cutest, most perfect baby. I am not sure this was the initial plan, it kind of just happened, but I would end up co sleeping with Tobias. We had a crib, but with breastfeeding, it felt easier, it felt right. I did everything by "the book" with Karmina, as a new mother. I did everything differently with Tobias, than with Karmina. Polar opposite. Karmina was formula fed, toby refused a bottle. Toby co slept with me, and still does, and I think I put him in his crib once, and it made me feel guitly, sad. He looked so small, so alone in there! With mina, I would feed her using baby jars that wic would supply. With tobias, i started with making my own for him, but later swapped to just "baby lead weaning" which I found to be easier, and more fun. Basically, you give him regular food-portioned safely, and he would use his little hands to feed himself, making a mess in the process. I also did not want to put him in daycare, as Mina had been. given the situations were different, and I didn't outwardly hate daycare, I wanted to be the one to be there, and take care of him. I would work on and off, part time, and pump at work. Which I found to be difficult. There would be long periods of me not working at all. Which worked out, at this time our basement apartment was a measly $1,000 a month, that is, until a new landlord would eventually buy the building, take over, and significantly increase the rent. The apartment directly next door to ours, would be occupied by neighbors who quickly came and left, leaving behind everything-including a cat I would later adopt, Pepper. With that neighboring apartment open, and my old friend, Elizabeth and the little family of her own, looking for a place, they moved in. It was nice that she was there, but perhaps given everything that had happened between us, and Darren, though she was close, we didn't really see each other much. She would end up fleeing a domestic violence related relationship herself, taking her daughter with her to florida, leaving her abuser behind. To which, she has not been back.

The rent was increased $300, and I hated the new land lord. He was very demanding, and rude. He also had a sleazy worker that would come into our apartment, through the door in my room, at random times. It would end up with us wanting to leave. But this was not before the pandemic hit, and quite literally, EVERYTHING changed.

So we had moved in 4 years ago. I would say that James and I, though we remained intimate and living together, our relationship together ended when Tobias barely hit one years old. There was no love, no understanding, no communication, no support. With covid happening, and not fully understanding at the time whether the world was ending or not, everything hit the fan. It was when Karmina developed new symptoms, I found to be concerning. The way that BPD had loomed over my shoulders, so didn't Autism. Which at the time, I had absolutely NO idea what is was. I have heard of it, but absolutely did not know anything about it or what it entailed. So when she officially recieved the autism diagnosis, I wasn't all that suprised. As a baby, she was delayed with some things. Her speech was not great, she never really played with toys as you would assume a kid would. She didn't relate to her peers, and would prefer to play alone, or flock towards other adults. But she was now 6, nearly 7, and with all of these changes being made due to covid-a new side of her surfaced. School beccame inconsistent, as the world tried to navigate around this new uncontrollable mysterious disease. one week, she would have in person school, then it would be at home. And at this time, I had been working full time, toby begining daycare, so it was hard for me to navigate around this back and forth scheduling. My brother, Joe, had also recently moved in, and would spend majority of his time in the living room, playing video games, which would be distracting as that was the only room that could be used for her to do her school. There was no dining room in this basement apartment. There was also limited light, as there was 3 windows in this dreary unit. I forget where James was at this time. I added a bunk bed in what was my room, so the kids and I could all sleep and stay together, as Joe would move into Mina's room. Which, Mina didnt mind and preffered being with me. Her new symptoms started with her clothing. It would get to the point where she refused to change, or get dressed. She would wear the same thing every single day, and would full on fight me when I instructed her it was time to change. With my work schedule, and the inconsistency of her school, she would end up falling behind signifigantly-ultimately refusing to partake in her in home school. I had to make a dreaded decision. I realized that with all of this, I could not have her stay with me. I didn't abandon custody, but she transitioned to my home, to staying with my dad. As she had a girlfriend, with kids around her age, the girlfriend could properly moniter her schooling, as I had to work, was unable.

I obviously did not want to stay in this depressing, moist basement apartment. But moving with no money, no credit, isn't something easily done. Not to mention, Joe at this time had not paid rent for a few months, so I was disgustingly behind on rent. I had searched, dreamed and hoped, for a new apartment for probably 2 of the 3 years of living there. I manifested a sunny apartment, with a yard, a safe neighborhood, and affordable. It seemed like it was impossible. Until it wasn't. My dad is the one who brought this dream apartment to my attention. It was being listed by a "rent wanted" sign, a 2 family home on the same street he had lived for a number of years. The family were Guatamalan, and took my fathers manipulation as bait. He essentially salesmaned the apartment for me. Between James, and my grandparents, I could afford the down payment. And with rent prices sky rocketing, securing this BEAUTIFUL 2 bedroom, hard wood floor, sunny, open floor plan for $1500 was insane. This field dream lasted less than a year, and once again, things came crumbling down.

#Spotify

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emeraldiis · 2 years

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Cross Country Love Affair // Illinois

A/N: good fucking god does life get in the way of my writing. please accept part as an apology, im so sorry

CCLA Masterlist

AO3 Link

Tag List (send an ask to be added!): @mantarini-i, @luxoree, @boofy1998 @yallimobsessed

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 1.5k

Summary: Bucky makes your blood boil like no other man can. In a twisted turn of events, the two of you are stuck on a road trip from hell. This fic follows Bucky and the reader from Florida all the way to Washington state. Nothing like being trapped in a car for fifty hours to break the ice. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Or something like that.

Warnings: canon typical violence, enemies to lovers, eventual smut, alcohol use

You awoke to a plastic bag being waved in your face. A shout of surprise was expelled from your lips as you jolted up, ready to fight. Bucky snickered and snatched the bag away from you, leaving you sitting up in bed, fists raised with a bewildered expression. “Rise and shine, lemon,” Bucky said in a sing-song voice.

Your lips curled into a sneer. Half-awake and pissed off, you ran a hand through your tangled hair in an attempt to calm yourself down. “Why did you call me ‘lemon?’”

Bucky grinned. “Because you’re too sour to be a peach.”

The look you gave him in response was downright lethal. “I’m sure you’re real proud of yourself for that one,” you muttered, rolling out of your nest of blankets. Your bare feet made contact with the carpet and you suppressed a shiver. It had gotten chilly while you slept. A loud groan caught your attention, and you side eyed Bucky. He was stretching as obnoxiously as possible, making noises like the hundred year old man that he was. And his shirt rising up to give you a peek of his stomach just had to be intentional. You narrowed your eyes and yanked them away from his magnetic pull.

“Stop objectifying me and get packed,” Bucky called over his shoulder as he meandered towards the bathroom. From what you could tell, he’d been up for a while. Great, now he’d be waiting on you, which meant if you didn’t hurry, you’d earn more sass.

You rolled your eyes and began to gather what few things you had. “You’re just full of jokes today,” you said, raising your voice to be heard through the bathroom door that Bucky had just shut. You heard a faint peal of laughter, sending your eyes even further into your skull as you rolled them again. In all honesty, his playfulness was welcome after the sour mood of last night. You were grateful that things were back into the rhythm of your usual banter.

As you quickly changed back into your (now clean) day clothes, you let your mind wander back to Bucky’s little performance. You had gotten a nice peek at the dark hair leading down into his pants, and it made your mouth water. If only you could run your hands down that cute little treasure trail and make him groan for an entirely different reason.

It was time to accept that yes, you were very much attracted to Bucky. Just because you didn’t like him didn’t mean that he wasn’t devastatingly sexy, and as long as you kept your pining to yourself, you could daydream all you wanted.

Thankfully, you managed to be packed and ready by the time Bucky emerged from the bathroom. Just one less thing for him to give you shit for. “Let’s go, slowpoke,” you teased as he took his sweet time in lacing up his boots. He looked up and glared at you through soft brown curls of hair, and you found yourself turning around to avoid those piercing eyes. You couldn’t look him in the face, not after giving yourself permission to thirst after him all you wanted. “Um, I’m going to get the car started,” you mumbled, suddenly feeling shy. Feeling this bashful around a man was new territory for you, and it was freaking you the hell out. It was better to escape to the car to collect your thoughts before you put your foot in your mouth.

The stale air of the motel gave way to a refreshing chill as you stepped out the door. Distant sounds of cars passing by intermingled with the chirp of birds coming from the surrounding forest, and you took a much-needed breath. You let your gaze drift over the skyline, pausing to marvel at the mountains. Even with your limited knowledge of geography, you could recognize them as the outskirts of the blue ridge. Too bad you’d be waving them goodbye in just a few short hours. You tore your eyes from your surroundings and swung your bag over your shoulder to cross the parking lot.

Thankfully, Bucky hadn’t parked too far away, and you reached the car almost immediately. Not wanting to waste anymore time, you opened the door, tossed your bag into the backseat, and settled into the driver’s seat. Your head fell back against the drab leather and you sighed. You were fucking sick of looking at the world through a windshield. With nearly thirty five hours of driving to go, a sick feeling was sinking into your stomach. As much of a relief as the motel was, you still wanted to kick and scream and tear your hair out in frustration. Thirty five hours of leg cramps and sore asscheeks. Thirty five hours of long highways. Thirty five hours of bickering. Thirty five hours of being stuck next to a gorgeous supersoldier who made you want to claw your own eyes out in anger.

The motel door opening caught your attention, and your eyes followed Bucky’s hulking form as he stalked towards the office to return the key. Did he always have to walk like he was out for blood? You shook your head and cranked the van up. It rumbled to life under you. Before Bucky could return and snatch it from you, you plugged the AUX cord into your phone and set it to a random playlist. Your fingers tapped on the steering wheel to the music as you waited.

You didn’t have to wait long. Bucky’s long legs--with those sweet ass thighs--ensured that he could cross the lot in like three steps. He nearly yanked the door off its hinges as he climbed in. “Pull the door a little harder, why don’t you?” You asked. He shrugged and reached for the AUX. “Absolutely not,” you cried, holding it out of his reach and taking care not to yank it out of your phone.

Bucky groaned. “We are not listening to whatever girl music you have on right now.”

You sneered at him as you backed out of your parking space. “Taylor Swift is not ‘girl’ music, thank you very much. She’s for people with taste.”

That one earned you another groan, but thankfully Bucky gave up on attempting to steal the cord. “You get two hours, and then it’s my turn.”

As if. You didn't say that out loud, wanting to halt the bickering so you could pay attention as you found your way back to the highway. The opening notes to one of your favorite Taylor songs rang out through the radio, and you cranked up the volume despite Bucky’s protests. Actually, it was a pretty fitting song for your current situation. You belted out the lyrics without shame as you merged back onto the interstate.

“You should take it as a compliment that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk.

You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong.”

Honestly, your voice wasn’t half bad. You’d done a little bit of choir while you were still in school, and discovered that singing was an excellent way to pass the time when you were bored. Bucky would just have to suck it up.

“You’re so gorgeous. I can’t say anything to your face, cause look at your face.

And I’m so furious at you for making me feel this way.”

The Illinois state sign whizzed by, but you weren’t even paying attention. The only things running through your mind were the music, and how much you hated Bucky’s stupid gorgeous face. A quick glance to the right showed that Bucky was staring at you with a quizzical expression. He was most likely judging your singing, so you made a point to sing even louder.

“Ocean blue eyes lookin’ in mine.

I feel like I might sink and drown and die.”

The song carried on for another minute or so, and when the final lyrics faded out, you were left panting with a grin on your face. “I’ll be here all week, folks,” you breathed out, bowing to a make believe audience.

“Don’t crash,” Bucky said, his voice surprisingly quiet. You squinted at him.

“I’m not going to crash.”

A smirk slowly crept across his face. “You were pretty into that song, huh?”

Your brow furrowed in confusion, but you kept your eyes on the road. “Is it a crime to enjoy music now?”

“Not at all,” Bucky said, shaking his head. That fucking smirk was still there. Even though you weren’t looking, you could feel it. “I just wish you would’ve told me earlier.”

Uh oh. Your heart skipped four beats, and your hands tightened on the wheel. “Told you what?”

“That you think I’m gorgeous.”

“BUCKY!”

#bucky barnes x reader #imagaine #the winter soldier #marvel #mcu #my writing #cross country love affair #enemies to lovers #fanfic #bucky barnes #tfatws

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nugnthopkns · 3 years

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dance me to the end of love (v)

word count: 4.6k

warnings: fem!oc, cursing, alcohol consumption, mentions of poor parenting and damaged familial relationships

series masterpost: here

a/n: and just like that we're halfway through!!! it's crazy to think about it. however, lots happens in this chapter so buckle up peeps

Soon Magdalene’s feelings are going to get the better of her.

She knows she’s heading down a dangerous path but she can’t help it. Ryan is like a drug she can’t get enough of even though she knows it will hurt her in the long run. Living with him has opened her up to the laid back, intelligent, incredibly funny man he is and Magdalene doesn’t know how she’s ever going to function in her own space ever again. They complement each other like two peas in a pod, and everyone else is starting to catch on to the shift in their relationship.

“When are you going to fess up to Ryan about your feelings?” Bette asks as the two of them sit on the lawn across from the university library. It’s mid October, but the weather is still warm enough that Magdalene eats her lunch outside. Her best friend decided to join her today, no doubt knowing that she’s feeling a little lonely. The Avalanche are in the middle of their season opening road trip and have been gone for nearly five days. Ryan’s condo feels empty without him in it, and Magdalene misses him an unfathomable amount.

“Never, if I can help it,” she replies casually, taking a bite of the turkey wrap that Bette brought her from Barn Owl.

The blonde scoffs. “Fuck off. You have to. What are you going to do when he gets back from Florida and you tackle him as soon as he steps through the door.”

“Caligula will get there first,” Magdalene shrugs. “Those two are thick as thieves.”

Truthfully, Magdalene wasn’t sure what she was going to do. This is the longest they’ve been separated since she moved in and it’s proving to be a harder adjustment than she thought. Magdalene feels a little silly missing him so much – she went nearly twenty-six years without knowing Ryan but now he’s imprinted on her soul for the rest of eternity. Living without him seems impossible.

Bette drops the conversation then, almost as if she knows Magdalene is in her own world thinking about what to do. She mentions the upcoming home opener and her plans to attend with a couple of the other wives and girlfriends. “We’re going out beforehand and you should join us! I really think you’d like most of them.”

The bell in the clock tower rings, signalling the start of another hour, and Magdalene promises she’ll consider the offer as they pack up the picnic and say goodbye. It’s a short walk back to the building she works in, seeing as they were only across the street, but it takes a while for the elevator to come around. Magdalene could have taken the stairs down to the basement but they scare her a lot more than she’d like to admit. Hopefully June won’t mind her being a few minutes late.

Her boss doesn’t look too pleased when Magdalene strolls through the door almost seven minutes later then she should have, but as soon as she tosses the cookie Bette brought her in June’s direction all is forgiven. They work in near silence all afternoon, background noise provided by the small stereo in the corner and their respective grunts of frustration when an image doesn’t digitize properly. The university has finally decided to undertake the massive project of making all their school records available to the public online, and Magdalene and June are in charge of getting all the files ready before sending them to IT for installation into the website. It’s a huge task and is going to take them the better part of a month and a half to finish. Magdalene spends the rest of her work day finishing up a box of graduation records from the 1870s and leaves smelling of very old paper.

On the drive home she considers the invitation Bette extended to her. Magdalene knows she’ll be attending the game, having promised Ryan before he left that she’d be there, but she doesn’t know how to feel about going out for dinner and drink beforehand – especially with people so involved with the team. She isn’t like them, in nearly every sense of the phrase, and doesn’t want people to get the wrong idea. It wouldn’t be fair to Ryan for people to assume they’re together in case he ever does want to bring someone around, but Magdalene can’t help thinking that the speculation wouldn’t hurt. Perhaps it would be the clue that shows him how she feels.

The invite stays in the back of her brain while she heats up leftovers and eats quickly, knowing that Ryan will call soon. He’s like clockwork with his precise game day routine, and he always calls shortly after four o’clock when out east. Magdalene’s phone buzzes from the spot beside her on the couch and she quickly scoops it up and accepts the call.

“Hey,” she says, a little breathless because she’s so excited to talk to him.

“Hey yourself. How was work?” Magdalene can tell Ryan’s got a smile on his face even though she can’t see him. She indulges the question, telling him all about the stuff she digitized and what’s next. Though she always tries to get out of talking about work, fearing it will bore the daylights out of him, Ryan insists on hearing every detail Magdalene wants to share. He finds it all fascinating and tells her so every chance he gets. During her monologue Caligula wanders over and becomes extremely invested after he hears Ryan laugh at something Magdalene said. The small white cat jumps onto Magdalene’s lap and tries to paw the phone away from her ear.

“Hold on, I’m putting you on speaker. Little boots would like to talk.”

At the sound of Ryan’s greeting, Caligula starts meowing up a storm. It’s as though he’s actually holding a conversation with the man, waiting for Ryan to say something before he continues to make noise. Magdalene laughs through what could barely classify as a conversation until the cat gives her space to talk again.

“So,” she says, drawing out the word in an attempt to make Ryan laugh. “Bette asked me to join her and some of the other girls for drinks before Friday’s game.”

Ryan’s responding before Magdalene has finished uttering the last words. “That’s great! I think you should go.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says sheepishly, “It would be nice for you to know someone other than Bette.”

Magdalene is surprised at the response, but tries her hardest to keep her tone light and teasing. “Why, you plan on keeping me around Mr. Graves?” She can tell Ryan is struggling to come up with an answer because there’s a fair amount of sputtering on the other end of the line.

“I’d be stupid to let you go.”

All the breath in Magdalene’s lungs escapes her. She didn’t expect him to say something like that, and it sends her mind reeling. What does he mean? Unable to process the comment, Magdalene makes up an excuse and hangs up as quickly as possible. She spends the rest of the night wondering if Ryan was trying to make a move and deciding how she should handle his homecoming in a few days.

☼☼☼☼

When Ryan gets home Thursday morning Magdalene is at work. Caligula is happy to see him, practically pouncing on him and purring so loud Ryan’s sure the neighbours heard the cat. For an animal so small, Caligula can make a lot of noise if he wants.

“Hi boy,” Ryan coos, adjusting his grip on the cat so he doesn’t get dropped while the two of them move around the house. “Did your mom talk about me while I was gone? Been thinking about her a lot lately.”

The cat doesn’t respond, of course, but Ryan finds comfort in vocalizing his emotions. Multiple times on the road trip Tyson made fun of him for the silent pining he’s found himself participating in since Magdalene moved in, and hinted that she might have said something to Bette. Neither of them are great at keeping secrets, but Ryan also knows they want him and Magdalene to get together and aren’t above manipulation to achieve their goals. He doesn’t know how Magdalene actually feels, but Ryan isn’t willing to risk losing their friendship. Just a couple of months ago she sat on the deck of the lake house and told him she wasn’t looking for a relationship – he has to assume that’s still her position because if he doesn’t Ryan isn’t quite sure what he’ll unleash. Though the two of them are close, closer than most friends, Magdalene stills keeps a lot of things to herself and Ryan doesn’t want to pry. When, and if, she’s ready he knows she’ll come to him.

Exhausted from the countless hours of travel he’s endured over the past few days and the pains that come along with being a professional athlete, Ryan falls back onto the couch cushions. He hurts in places he didn’t know existed and wants to do nothing but sleep. Caligula settles into his stomach, purring contently, and though he knows he should unpack his gear, Ryan can��t find the energy to move himself or the cat. Everything will still be there when he wakes up, and hopefully Magdalene will be on her way home. She texted Ryan earlier in the morning, no doubt just before she headed out the door, to say that she was taking some holidays to have a long weekend and would be home around noon. Sleep comes easy with Caligula nestled against his body, and Ryan dreams of Magdalene as he frequently does.

☼☼☼☼

Despite Bette telling her countless times she shouldn’t be, Magdalene is nervous. The significant others of the Colorado Avalanche are a tight knit group and are very particular with who they let in. Magdalene is a nothing, has no true connections to the team besides being Tyson’s girlfriend’s best friend, and she’s worried she won’t make the cut. If it wasn’t for Bette picking her up in the morning Magdalene would have found a way to get out of drinks, but the blonde made sure she couldn’t make a run for it.

Sitting in the elevated booth, she not-so-casually sips her glass of wine while Bette tries to calm her down. “They’re going to hate me,” she groans, lowering her head to rest it on the table.

“Shut the fuck up,” Bette counters. “You literally know most of them, and Livy will be here if you get too uncomfortable, but most of them were at EJ’s back in May.”

Magdalene can’t argue with the truth, so she rolls her eyes and finishes her drink. By the time she flags down the waiter for a refill the other girls have arrived. They take turns hugging Bette and shuffling into their seats. Magdalene feels awkward with no one acknowledging her, but she does her best to buck up and deal with it. It means a lot to Bette, and Ryan, that she’s here trying to make friends so she’ll at least make an effort.

A blonde who looks a little older than the rest addresses her first. “I’m not sure if you remember me, but I’m Mel. I think we met last season at a game.”

It takes Magdalene a second to recall the face, but then she recognizes Mel as the person who alerted her to the fight Ryan got into to defend Tyson. “Oh yeah,” she chuckles, though it’s still got a nervous quality, “You’re the one who was yelling about Ryan’s fight.”

Everyone looks at her like Magdalene had confessed to seeing a ghost. “What’s the matter?”

“No one ever calls him that,” a petite girl with tight curls explains. “We all just call him Gravy.”

“Oh.”

Magdalene isn’t sure what the comment is supposed to mean, or if it even meant anything at all, but she does her best to push it aside because Livy is trying to catch up with her. The rest of the outing goes well – Magdalene keeps quiet until someone gives an inaccurate analogy about Rome and she has to correct them. It may make her seem stuck up, but she really hates when people spread misinformation. Everyone laughs, and after that it’s hard for Magdalene to stay silent. She talks about work and college, but when someone asks about home she shuts down. Bette notices the shift in her behaviour before Magdalene’s face has even dropped, and shifts the conversation in another direction. Soon it’s a respectable time to head to the arena and they all pay their tabs, Magdalene going first and then ducking out of the bar that became crowded while they were sitting down.

The fresh air feels good against her skin, and she takes the time alone to regulate her thoughts. There’s still several hours until she can return home and cry in the shower over the mention of her family so it’s important to present a calm facade. Bette comes out slightly ahead of the other girls and checks in with her friend, but Magdalene assures her she’s okay. It was a bit of a spook, but the other girls have no idea about how fucked up her familial situation is so Magdalene can’t hold it against them. The arena is a few blocks over, so the group walks towards it at a brisk pace. Magdalene’s mind is still churning from the bar when they step inside, so she peels off from the rest of the group. Warm ups are about to start and she knows that seeing Ryan will help to calm her down, at least until they can go home and she can sequester herself away from the rest of the world.

She finds a space against the glass and strains her eyes for her new favourite number. Ryan hasn’t made it out on the ice yet, but Tyson gives her a big wave when he skates past. It takes a few seconds, though it feels like years, but Ryan eventually steps out, all long limbs and hair and dazzling smile as his teammates give him big hi-fives. Magdalene doesn’t want to intrude but she needs to spend a few moments with him to feel completely present. When he skates by she waves shyly, and Ryan doubles back once he realizes who it is.

“There’s my favourite girl!” he shouts over the crowd, making sure Magdalene can hear.

The phrase brings a smile to her face, which in turn makes Ryan light up more. “Hi Ry,” she yells back. “I just wanted to come and say hi.”

Ryan’s heart warms at her words, but he knows that’s not the only reason. He’s lived with her long enough to know that something is bothering her but he isn’t going to push. There isn’t much time to have a conversation, so Ryan takes the time to make plans for after the game. “You riding home with me?”

Magdalene nods. “Yeah. Bette picked me up this morning so I didn’t drive.”

The loud sound of sticks clapping against the ice startles them both, and it’s Ryan’s teammate’s way of getting him to refocus. Magdalene says goodbye and before Ryan heads back to the bench he flips a puck over the glass for her. She smiles brightly, and watches him skate away. On her way up the stairs she hands it to a little girl wearing a much too big Graves jersey. It makes her night, and Magdalene returns to the private box she’s watching the game from feeling much lighter than when she entered the arena.

☼☼☼☼

Later, much later, after all of Ryan’s post game media and sitting through the traffic of downtown, Magdalene opens up about what was bothering her at the arena. The two of them are curled up in Ryan’s bed buried under a mass of blankets with several pillows strewn about. It’s become a frequent place for them to spend time, and every time they lay down Magdalene rests her head on Ryan’s chest and he keeps her in place with his arms wrapped tightly around her. Magdalene’s clutching his hoodie tighter than usual, her voice small as she speaks into the darkness of the room.

“I didn’t just want to say hi earlier.”

Ryan isn’t surprised by her confession, but wants to know what caused the surprise visit. “No? What was it?”

Magdalene lift head and shifts to face him, propping herself up with an open palm. “It’s kind of stupid,” she mumbles, feeling dumb for even bringing it up. Ryan doesn’t want to know the sob story that is her past life. “But it’s mostly okay now.”

“You don’t have to tell me, and I don’t want to push, but I think getting it off your chest will help,” he whispers, feeling like talking in a normal voice could startle the girl in front of him.

He’s right – Magdalene knows it. Telling someone the truth, as much of the truth as she can share, other than Bette would do her some good. Her therapist once said Magdalene needed to work on letting people in, and she figures there’s no one better than Ryan. “One of the girls asked me about home when we were getting drinks, and it’s just a really sore subject for me. I shut down and just needed to see you to ground myself.” Ryan goes to talk, but Magdalene continues. “No one really knows, but I left for Denver as soon as I graduated high school. My parents weren’t the greatest, and I suffered a lot emotionally at home. When I told them I was leaving, they told me never to come back and we haven’t spoken since. So yeah, that’s pretty much it. And I just needed to see you to remind myself that I’m okay without my family. You’re part of my family now, the one that really matters.”

Ryan is speechless. “Oh bug,” he sighs, heart hurting for all the pain Magdalene has experienced in her life. “I’m so sorry.” He wants to scream for her, maybe even break something, but all his anger dissipates when he looks down and sees her crying. Silently, Ryan wipes away the tears with the pad of his thumb and holds Magdalene until she stops trembling. They lay in silence for a while, sitting with the weight of the confession she just made. At some point Caligula shuffles in and finds a spot at Ryan’s side that isn’t occupied by Magdalene. The three of them feel like a little family, and it’s too good for Magdalene not to do something about.

“Can I kiss you?”

She’s never been so confident while asking a question. Magdalene knows he wants to kiss Ryan, has known for a while, and after baring her soul to him it seems like an appropriate time to take the plunge. They’ve never truly been just friends and everyone around them, including themselves, knows it.

“Mags,” Ryan says in a gentle yet stern voice, “I’m not gonna kiss you. You’ve just been very vulnerable with me, which I appreciate, and though I really really want to fucking kiss you I’m going to take advantage of you like that.”

If it were possible, Magdalene’s heart would expand so much it would be close to bursting. “I promise this is what I want and that I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. So please shut the fuck up and let me kiss you.”

She leans forward to connect their lips, and it feels like a fire has been ignited in her veins. Ryan is soft and gentle with the right amount of grit to make Magdalene weak in the knees. They move in tandem, giving and taking where necessary, and by the time they pull apart for air Magdalene thinks she’ll never be able to kiss anyone other than Ryan. When he looks at her, eyes kind and glimmering with light, Magdalene is certain kissing other people is off the table.

Neither of them make an effort to talk about what just happened or what it means. Instead, Magdalene kisses him again, and again, and keeps going until she’s completely out of breath. There’s no protest from Ryan, and he looks as blissful as Magdalene feels. She rests her head on his chest again and he cards his fingers through her hair as they sit in the comfortable silence that surrounds them.

☼☼☼☼

Magdalene keeps kissing Ryan, and he keeps kissing her. It’s always in the safety of his apartment, oftentimes with Caligula in the way, but wholesome and loving and warm. They haven’t defined their relationship, and truthfully Magdalene is glad. She likes being friends with Ryan and doesn’t know how the added pressures of dating would affect them – though she might like kissing him more than just being friends.

It becomes routine for either of them to reach for a kiss before heading to the door. Magdalene gets one every time she leaves for work, and if she’s there before Ryan has to leave for games he’s pulled into her lips by his tie. It’s fun and it’s new and Magdalene never wants it to end. She keeps the secret for a couple weeks, but eventually it becomes too much to hold in and she tells Bette one Saturday when they meet for brunch at Barn Owl because the boys are away.

“I kissed Ryan.” It’s out of her mouth like a bullet, cutting through the air and ringing out. Bette is shocked, jaw dropping, only to open further when Magdalene corrects herself. “Been kissing Ryan, actually.”

“You’re fucking joking,” Bette laughs, still not one hundred percent sure Magdalene is being serious. When the brunette nods her head, she squeals in what can only be presumed as delight. “Shut up! Tell me everything!”

Magdalene indulges her friend, and spills every detail she’s willing to share. Part of her wants to keep a bit of her life with Ryan a secret so she does, but Bette is more than willing to work with the information given. She listens carefully while Magdalene talks and waits until there’s nothing more to say before diving into a long list of reasons why kissing Ryan is the best thing that’s ever happened to her friend. Magdalene isn’t sure that it’s great because Bette will always have someone to go to games with, but she is in agreement that it is one of the best choices she’s ever made. They spend the rest of the morning giggling like school girls over potential love and Magdalene heads back to Ryan’s place feeling light and airy.

☼☼☼☼

The first thing Ryan does when he comes home is kisses Magdalene. She’s sitting on the couch with Caligula on her lap reading a book, and he doesn’t even bother to drop his bags on the floor before leaning over the worn leather and connecting their lips. It feels heavenly after the days-long absence and Magdalene chases his lips when Ryan pulls away.

“I missed you.”

They’re three words that shouldn’t mean much, but coming from him they send Magdalene spiralling. He missed her? The girl who spends her days geeking out over old documents and talks to her cat? Regardless of how true the statement is she appreciates it, because Magdalene missed Ryan more than she could ever explain.

“How was the flight home?” she asks, twirling a lock of his hair around her index finger and pulling him down for another kiss. Ryan happily obliges, and kisses her until Caligula begins to meow for attention. The cat practically launches himself into Ryan’s arms as he rounds the corner to sit down next to Magdalene, and purrs loudly at being reunited with the tall man.

Ryan laughs at the animal’s antics before wrapping his spare arm around Magdalene and pulling her close. “It was fine. We hit a bit of turbulence that made it hard to sleep but I managed,” he replies, and reaches for the television remote. Magdalene hums in response, resting her head on Ryan’s shoulder and returning her attention to the book in her hands. It’s silent except for the low buzz of the television as Ryan reviews tape, but neither of them mind. Co-existing is enough for both of them, and it’s peaceful and easy. The occasional conversation occurs but they mostly do their own thing, enjoying the feeling of being together again. More than a few kisses are shared, and Magdalene eventually pries herself away from Ryan long enough to make dinner.

They stayed glued to each other until Magdalene falls asleep. Ryan doesn’t even notice when it happens, but eventually he tries to leave the couch to get a glass of water and finds dead weight on top of him in the shape of the girl he just might love. Magdalene’s snoring softly, and he’s positive there is nothing more adorable in the entire world. A glance at the clock on the wall alerts Ryan to the fact that he should go to bed too, and he begins to brainstorm how to get Magdalene into bed without waking her. She’s been exhausted lately, working extended hours, and he knows she needs all the rest she can get.

It takes a few moments to coordinate, but Ryan gets himself upright without Magdalene realizing she’s no longer using him as a pillow. Gently he scoops her into his arms and pads down the hallway, careful not to hit her ankles on the walls or door frames. Once inside her room, Ryan tucks Magdalene into bed and makes sure her phone is on the nightstand just where she likes it. She looks so content in sleep that he can’t help but lean down and press a shirt kiss to her forehead.

“Night Mags,” he whispers into the dark, wondering if she’ll wake and hear all the adoration his voice holds.

Magdalene stirs at the noise, and opens her eyes to see Ryan’s retreating figure. “Night Ry.”

It’s late, approaching two in the morning, when Magdalene’s phone starts ringing off the hook. Though Ryan has told her multiple times that she doesn’t need to turn her sound on before she goes to bed, she can never find it in her to heed his words. What if there’s an emergency somewhere and some hospital has to get a hold of her? Magdalene would never be able to forgive herself if she was too late because she slept through the incoming calls.

Despite her underlying fears of missing something important, Magdalene considers letting it go to voicemail. She’s exhausted, between the high maintenance projects at work and trying her hardest to go to every Avalanche home game she can, and if it’s urgent she’s sure the person will call again if they need her. It rings three more times before Magdalene decides to pick it up – if only to stop the incessant noise.

Not bothering to even see who’s calling at such an ungodly hour, Magdalene speaks in a sleep-laden voice that betrays what she was doing not even a minute prior. “Hello?”

Bette answers her, offering a quick but sincere apology for the time but explaining that it couldn’t wait. Magdalene groans in contempt, thinking that it most certainly could have waited a few more hours. She doesn’t voice her opinion however, instead waiting for her friend to spill whatever news was making her bounce up and down on the other side of the line.

She’s about to hang up when Bette utters a sentence Magdalene’s been waiting for but never thought she’d hear at one fifty-seven am. “I’m getting married!”

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @scrunchmakar @marcoscandellas @toplinetommy @samsteel @lovethepreds @cutiesara23 @hockeyallthetime @stlouisbluesbrat21 @denis-scorianov @danglesnipecelly @c-tangerine @stormingroses @spine-buster @rapidfever @bb-nhlqueen7 (add yourself to the taglist!)

#ryan graves imagine #ryan graves x oc #ryan graves fic #colorado avalanche imagine #nhl imagine #nhl fic #hockey imagine #hockey fic #cwrites #dmtteol

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random-mha-thoughts · 4 years

Text

Don’t Ignore Me! (Bakugou x Reader)

Pairing: Bakugou x Reader

Requested from my Wattpad: "Can you please do a fluffy Bakugo x reader chapter where the reader was dared by her friends to try to do 'ignore your boyfriend for 24 hours' challenge? If you don't know, this challenge makes it so that the reader would have to pretend that Bakugo does not exist and they can't respond to any of Bakugo's questions or anything. Look up videos of the challenge if you want to get a better grasp of what the challenge is."

Genre: Fluff (and slight crack?)

Word count: 1,891

Tags: @yuki-osaki @liviitehe @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog @bunnythepipsqueak

a/n: This ended up being longer than I anticipated... And was a bit difficult to start, but the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write, so I guess it worked out! I kind of imagined at least 3 different ways this could’ve turned nsfw, but THIS ISN’T THAT KIND OF ONE SHOT SHAME ON ME!

The next post will also be a slightly crack/fluff Baku request from my Wattpad then a Kiri angst, but I miiight not be able to post until Friday or Saturday. I’m taking a mini road trip down to Florida and it’ll take almost 14 hours, so hopefully I can get some writing done on the drive or once I get there.

Why did I let Mina convince me to do this?

I wanted to text Katsuki earlier and tell him not to come home just so I won't have to ignore him, but that wouldn't be ignoring him! She told me it would be fun just to see his reaction, and while I initially agreed, it didn't sound as appealing the more I thought about it. This will probably end in screaming or tears rather than laughs.

The door opens and keys rattle. "I'm home!" his voice booms out.

I keep my back turned to him as I stir the curry on the stove. You can do this, it's just a prank, it's only temporary. You got this, just pretend he's not there.

His heavy footsteps approach me, the hairs on my back tingling as I anticipate him coming up behind me as he usually does. His puffy hair brushes the side of my head as he peers over my shoulder. "Sweet, curry! Wait for me, we can eat together." Without hesitating, he kisses my cheek and leaves.

I have to resist the urge to answer him back. Since part of the challenge is to ignore him, I decide to eat without him. I spoon out some curry on rice and sit at the table by myself. I don't know how exactly he's going to react, but I know he won't be happy. We always have our meals together and we talk about our day. This is gonna be such a jarring break from routine; it'll be difficult for both of us.

He comes back into the room and I don't even look up at him, just scrolling through my phone as I eat. His footsteps stop short of the table. "What the- I thought I told you to wait for me!"

I focus on chewing my food so I don't say anything back to him and try to keep a straight face.

"And you didn't even leave a plate for me, what the heck," he grumbles to himself, swaggering into the kitchen to grab one from the cabinet. He finally sat down with his plate of rice, his pepper paste concoction, and curry. "So, how was your day-?"

I'd already finished my dinner, so I stand up, cutting him off. I feel his eyes on me as I casually put my plate in the sink and start cleaning up.

"What the hell?" I catch him mumbling to himself. "Babe? What's up?" He sounds genuinely confused at my behavior.

I don't answer him, continuing to just do my dishes and put away the leftovers into the fridge. I debated whether or not I should prepare Katuski's lunch for work tomorrow as I usually do. I mean, I'm just supposed to be ignoring him, not pretending he doesn't exist. I start taking some of dinner out into one of his containers wordlessly.

As I do that, Katsuki slowly stands up with his finished plate and places them into the sink. Even as he washes his own dishes, I feel him eye me with his crimson orbs, raking my entire figure over. When he's about to say something, I put his food container into the fridge and leave the kitchen, strolling into our shared bedroom and settling on our bed. There's a twinge of guilt as I lay around without him. Usually, we'd be attached at the hip from the time he gets home to when he leaves in the morning. He's so perplexed over the whole ordeal.

As I'm scrolling on my laptop, I notice him tentatively tiptoe into the room. He hesitates every step of the way as if he's testing the waters. Maybe he's thinking I'm angry at him? It's almost cute the way he slowly gauges my reaction to every move he makes like he's expected me to explode. I've never given him the silent treatment; when we argue, we just yell at each other one minute and the next minute we're fine. This is brand new territory for him.

The bed sinks in next to me as Katsuki rolls in. At first, he's just staring at me, scanning for any trace of anger. "Why are you so quiet today?" When I don't answer, he frowns. "Hello? What's going on?" He half jokingly pokes the side of my head.

I have to furrow my brows and bite my bottom lip to pretend like I'm too invested in what's on my screen so I won't laugh.

"Are you ignoring me?" I hear the annoyance growing in his voice. "Did I do something?" At my continued silence he throws himself onto his back and groans. "I don't get it! I don't know what I did!"

Aw, he's blaming himself. I feel kinda bad. I know he's beating himself up for a stupid prank I'm trying to pull on him, but I wanna see this all the way through, or at least as long as I can hold out.

His hand suddenly slams my laptop screen closed. It takes my entire being to keep a blank face and not glare at him. "Are you gonna talk to me now?" There's a hint of a smirk in his voice. I bite my tongue and open the screen again, but he pushes it back down. "Wonder what you're so engrossed in to talk to me."

I don't even huff as I pull out my phone and start scrolling through it instead. He groans out again and snatches my phone away from me. Hoe-

"I thought we solved our problems by talking about it? Why are you ignoring me?"

I turn over onto my side and show him my back.

"What the f-" The weight releases from the side of the bed and I shut my eyes just in case he wants to show up in front of me. He's getting angry now.

He paces around the room for a while, and the soft rustling tells me he's threading his hands messily through his hair. I feel proud that I know him so well, I can read him like the back of my hand. Katsuki's stomps finally approach me. "(Y/n)." His voice is close to me, so he's kneeling down, but his tone is more somber. "Talk to me, please? If it was something I did, I need to know, I really can't think of anything. I'm going crazy here, just say something for me?"

My heart sinks. This isn't something I was expecting from him. I thought he'd be louder about it.

"Seriously, I don't want to go to sleep while you're angry at me, that's not right. How do I know something didn't happen to you? Talk to me!"

His desperate pleads almost weaken me completely, and I want to break down and put a stop to this, but I'm gonna be strong. I keep my eyes closed even in the face of all this and swallow my emotions down.

He sighs and his footsteps retreat. Then they stop. Wait, what's he-

Suddenly the bed sinks at the foot and the weight travels up to my back. "Fine. Try to keep ignoring me, we'll see what happens."

Crap, what have I gotten myself into?

Katsuki first drops his heavily muscular arm over me, looping it around my shoulders so his thumb brushes the top of my collarbone buried into the mattress. My fingers itch trying to ignore my reflex of placing my hand on top of his. "Anyway, my day was okay. I really missed you though. Shitty Hair was there, annoying the hell out of me as usual. Phone battery was even there too. By the way, leftovers from last night still tasted really good a day later..."

I want to laugh. So hard. But if I even so much as shake from laughter, the jig is up. Every time I feel like laughing, I hold my breath. He's too funny, going on about his day as if I was actually talking to him. It's killing me!

Breaking off his monologue for a brief second, he throws a leg over my hip. "Where was I? Oh right-"

My eyes shoot open. WHAT THE HELL KATSUKI!?

I want to yell at him for being such a child, but I can't help thinking it's kind of adorable. He's hogging his favorite toy in the world, clinging to it like a lifeline. At this point, the laughter is just sitting in the back of my throat ready to explode at the drop of a hat.

Katsuki breaks off again and sucks his teeth.

Damn it, what's he planning now?

My body is rolled over onto my back and his full body weight suddenly crushes all the breath out of me. This idiot only smirks down at me. "You can't ignore a crushing weight on your chest, can you?"

"Fuck's sake! I can't do this anymore!" I finally break down and scream. "Get off me!"

He clings his arms around me again so neither of us can move. "Oh, look at that, you can talk!"

"Katsuki, your giant tits are suffocating me, get off!"

"Not until you tell me why you're ignoring me!"

I groan, utterly defeated anyway. "Fine! It was a prank! Mina dared me to do it!"

His eyebrows furrow. "Pinky put you up to this?!" He rolls off so I can breathe properly and sit up. "Why would you even follow through with that?"

"I don't know, I thought it would be fun?" I recognize the genuine anger and hurt in his eyes and reach for his hand. "It was stupid, I know, I'm sorry."

He turns around and gives me his back like a pouting child. "I really thought I did something, dumbass! Do you know how confused I was? That wasn't cool."

I crawl up behind him and slither my arms around his neck. "I know, it was hard for me to stay quiet knowing how upset you sounded."

Katsuki's voice gets softer. "I thought you were gonna break up with me."

My entire body gets cold at his somberness. Considering our track record, this is a strange occurrence for us. I can't imagine the thoughts going through his head, especially knowing how insecure he can feel. I bury my head in his neck. "I knew this would probably happen." I kiss the taut skin. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you, Katsuki."

He turns around in my arms and stares me down, his lip still slightly jutting out. "You have to make it up to me with cuddles for the rest of the night."

A relaxed smile spreads across my face, relieved that he's more or less recovered from it. "Deal."

We lay back onto the bed again, his head pressed into my chest and his arms constricting around me so I can't move away. Fingers brush against the side of his head, in his hair, and on the exposed skin at the hem of my shirt. "Don't do that to me again, dumbass."

"I won't, promise."

A light groan vibrates from his chest. "Tell me you love me again," he mumbles out the order.

I tilt my head down and press a kiss to his forehead before placing my lips near his ear. "I love you, dork."

"...Again."

"I love you, big baby."

"Again."

"I love you, Katsuki."

#Bakugou x reader #bakugou fluff #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #bakugou katsuki #bakugou imagine #bakugou scenario #gender neutral reader #request #mha bakugou #bnha bakugou #mha x reader #bnha x reader #mha fanfiction #bnha fanfiction

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apiratewhopines · 3 years

Text

In the Offing

Summary: AU - Storybrooke - Emma Swan is drafted to help Liam Jones clear his brother’s name in the disappearance of a former flame. As she digs deeper into the rash of missing person cases, she risks losing more than just her heart as she uncovers the truth.

Chapter One - Pilot

Summary: In which our heroine embarks on an adventure

“Let the exits pass, all the tar and glass

Til the road and sky align”

-Angela, The Lumineers

If asked, Emma Swan would land firmly in the ‘It was a dark and stormy night’ camp rather than the ‘Once Upon a Time’ one.

It wasn’t that she didn’t believe in happiness and true love and good triumphing over evil. She did. Or at least she tried to believe in them, which was nearly the same thing.

It was just that in her experience, relationships were more likely to end in indifference and divergent roads at best or disappointment, deceit and violence at their worst. It rarely ended in laughter over the dinner table, surrounded by the people you loved and admired. In fact, it never ended that way for her. And she was fine with that. Or at least she tried to believe she was, which was not nearly the same thing.

So it was without the slightest bit of surprise that she made her way back to her office from yet another honey trap date, her third this week if anyone was keeping track. She didn’t anymore, had stopped wondering years ago how there were so many cheating spouses and deadbeat dads and none too bright criminals in one city. Nor did she have the energy to wonder why she found her doorway blocked by the broad form of her sometimes collaborator, sometimes competitor, always annoying quasi-neighbor.

“What do you want, Liam? I’m not staying. I’m only dropping off paperwork so I can go home and mourn the loss of human decency uninterrupted.”

“Perhaps a bath would be more helpful, lass. You smell like a walking distillery,” he replied, not bothered by her unfriendly tone and refusal to meet his eyes as she elbowed him out of the way and unlocked the door. “Were you drowning your sorrows or were they drowning you?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I caught the guy who did this and he smells like jail now so I would say I won,” she muttered, bristling only a little bit when he followed her inside. She would like to say that she and Liam had a complicated relationship but the truth was they tolerated each other when they had to and avoided each other when they didn’t. She could count on him to be professional, which unfortunately was not a given in their line of work, and his complete disinterest in her as a person was a quality she appreciated, having never been someone who craved attention or willingly engaged in small talk.

Now that she thought about it, he was probably one of the better connections she had made in Boston. If his self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude chafed at times...well, no one was perfect. She had met him when her boss moved their bail bonds office operations to their current location and with his private investigation business occupying the suite next door, they would throw work each other’s way when it made sense. Despite knowing him for nearly two years, she would be hard-pressed to recall a single interaction after hours or off the job so even though she was tired and her feet were killing her from running down tonight’s skip in stiletto heels, she was a little curious about why he was there. “Barry isn’t here.”

“If I was looking for Barry, this is the last place I would be.”

She snorted as she dropped off a packet of reports on the nearest desk. The truth was that her boss, who also happened to own the business, was probably cruising off the coast of Florida at that very moment and hadn’t stepped foot in the office since they moved. But she considered absenteeism a great quality in a boss so she wasn’t complaining.

Sighing, she turned around to face him. She leaned against the desk behind her and hoped he didn’t notice her flexing her feet in an attempt to keep them from cramping. “As nice as it is to catch up, I’ve had a long night. Why don’t you tell me what you want?”

“Henry mentioned that he was going to spend the summer with his father when he came by last week,” Liam stated as if that explained everything. Henry’s capacity to make friends never ceased to astound her and was definitely a characteristic he inherited from Neal. Even curmudgeonly Liam Jones had fallen victim to her kid’s ability to engage with anyone. Little did her visitor suspect that reminding her that she had nearly eight weeks of going home to an empty apartment was not the best way for him to start a conversation.

It had been with great trepidation that she had agreed to the trip at all. After years of fielding her son’s questions about his father, she used her considerable tracking skills to finally run her ex to ground about eighteen months ago. Enough time had passed for her to forgive him, although she doubted she would ever forget, but she felt she owed Henry the chance to at least meet his father. And of course, they had hit it off as she had both hoped for and feared.

She had worried, apparently needlessly so, that Neal would quickly lose interest in the son he hadn’t know existed and was inconveniently located in a different state. However, the man who had no issues with abandoning her a decade ago had surprised her. He called Henry every day and made the trip at least once a month to visit. He had shown up and supported Henry in ways she hadn’t expected and it reminded her that not all the times had been bad and maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t a villain. When Neal had approached her about a long distance trip that spanned their son’s entire summer break, her first reaction was to forbid it but she knew Henry needed it. Although she would never admit it to Neal, she had also appreciated that he had brought it up with her first rather than sending Henry to talk her into it.

Still, it had physically hurt her to see them walking away together at the airport yesterday, similar gaits and probably with matching, wide smiles on their faces.

Now her interaction with her son would be reduced to a couple of texts a day and FaceTime calls a few times a week while Henry had the time of his life gallivanting around California with his father and future stepmother. In a flash, she went from tired and curious to tired and pissed. “Right. Glad you reminded me before I made it home and called the police about a kidnapping. Did you need something, Liam, or are you just trying to bother me?”

“Both. Obviously,” he said dryly.

“Great, he’s got jokes,” she groaned as she threw her head back in frustration. “I should warn you that I’ve already punched one jerk tonight. I’m hungry and exhausted and if you don’t get on with it, I’m not afraid to add another one to the list.”

He sighed and for the first time she noticed the tenseness in the way he was holding himself. Whatever the reason for his visit, it obviously had him wound up pretty tightly. Against her better judgement, she felt her curiosity stirring again.

“Fine, since you’re obviously not fit to be out in public,” he said with a vague gesture toward her whiskey-flavored dress, “order some delivery and let’s talk.”

—

The smell of cheese did a lot to restore her good humor. She watched him from under her lashes as he looked at the meat-lovers pizza with what approached horror in his expression. She never pegged him as a health food nut, although she could tell he took care of himself, so maybe what offended him was the grease that had soaked through the box to the papers that were stacked neatly on his desk. Tearing off a large slice, she hummed happily while she took the first scorching bite.

“I need a favor,” he stated without preamble before he too took a bite and glanced at her with a pained look in his eye.

She was pretty sure that this was the first time he had ever uttered those words in his life and that was probably the source of his discomfort rather than the molten lava cheese he just swallowed. She tried not to show any interest even though hundreds of questions wanted to escape her mouth. She wanted to ask when they started doing favors for each other and why he was acting like a caged animal. Instead, she settled for something that he would probably find a bit more in character considering their past interactions. “Would this be the type of favor that involved payment of some sort?”

“It will, if that gets the job done quicker,” Liam answered, staring intently at his half eaten slice.

“Well, that would depend on if we’re talking about an hourly rate or a flat fee,” she joked. “I have typically found that payment is the best way to insure a job gets done.”

Something was definitely bothering him and damn if that didn’t make the hair on the back of her neck stand up and chase a shiver down her spine. With a hint of disgust she threw her uneaten crust down on her plate. She already knew that whatever he was about to ask, she was going to agree to so she continued, “Might as well spit it out, I would like to go home and get some sleep sometime this century. What kind of favor do you need?

“The kind of favor that involves going away for a couple of weeks and solving a cold case.”

Of all the things she thought he was going to ask, actual work didn’t even make the top ten list so she was a little letdown. His discomfort had her prepared for anything from being a date to an ex’s wedding to a surprise twist of being asked to babysit his previously unknown kids. Even a mundane request to water his plants while he was on vacation would have been more interesting. She wasn’t entirely sure Liam was human and it would have been fascinating to see the lair he crawled back to when he wasn’t in the office.

“Why the cloak and dagger routine? You made me think something was horribly wrong,” she huffed. Picking up another slice, she thoughtfully examined his face. There was more to this request but she was afraid she was going to have to drag it out of him based on his body language. His eyes were shuttered, shoulders hunched in on himself, body twisted slightly to the side as if he had decided this was a mistake and he was on the verge of running out of the room. While she would dearly love to see Liam Jones run away from his problems like a mere mortal, she was clearly already too invested to let that happen. Quickly swiping her fingers across a napkin to rid them of the worst of the grease, she gently laid her hand on his forearm to hold him in place. “Whatever you need to say, it will go no further.”

Apparently those were the magic words to unlock whatever secret he thought he needed to keep because with a sharp intake of breath, he started his tale. “There is a town in Maine...”

—

Hours later, he was dropping her off at the entrance to her building with a promise to pick her up at six o’clock the following evening. She wasn’t crazy about starting out that late or the fact that they would hit the tail end of rush hour traffic but her mind was swimming with too many details to make her normal fuss. Honestly, she would need all the time she could get to go through the files stuffed in the briefcase he passed off to her as she emerged from the car.

Without registering the journey upstairs, she found herself opening the door to her apartment and immediately kicked off her heels with a moan while her toes curled a little to celebrate their freedom. Her dress had climbed up her thighs a bit during the car ride but she had a feeling she was the only one who noticed. She was pretty sure she could have been naked and Liam wouldn’t have paid any attention. He was just that kind of guy. Considering they were about to embark on a trip to his former hometown where they may end up having to give the impression of a relationship, she should probably be grateful that his only attraction to her seemed to be limited to her ability to find people and her reputation for being a spookily accurate human lie detector. For her part, all she wanted from him was a couple weeks of distraction from what was surely going to turn out to be a lonely summer. If she was getting paid for it, all the better.

Leaving her shoes where they fell in the entranceway, she grabbed a hair band from the narrow table that she privately thought of as their crap collector. She had never been the neatest person and she had passed that trait on to Henry so you could never predict what random stuff would be found on the table that served no other purpose than to be a catch all for the things they discarded when they arrived home.

Styling her long blonde hair into a messy bun, she pulled her ruined dress over her head and casually threw it in the direction of the laundry basket. Taking advantage of the fact that there wasn’t a ten-year-old at home that would be traumatized by her behavior, she lugged the briefcase to the kitchen island and spread the files across the countertop before walking back to her closet to slip into a pair of black yoga pants and a Red Sox tank top, not wanting to take the time to shower at the moment. Besides, she was the only one home to know how bad the smell of whiskey and sweat was after sitting for hours in a small office, stuffing her face with the unhealthiest pizza on the planet and getting drawn into the web of mystery that had made the always serious Mr. Jones even more somber.

Pouring a glass of wine, she climbed up on one of stools that formed a line that ran the length of the counter and pulled the top file to her. The photo paper-clipped to the inside showed a rundown pawn shop that might as well have had a neon sign flashing ‘Shady Place of Business.’ Below it was a list of names from various missing persons cases spanning thirty years.

Taking the first sip of wine, she murmured, “What have you gotten me into, Liam?”

She spent the next several hours combing through the files until her back hurt and her contacts felt scratchy in her eyes. It seemed like Jones Investigation had a file for everyone that lived in the town at the time of the burglary as well as newspaper clipping from the various investigations into the suspicious disappearance of citizens.

It was too much information to take in during the course of one night but Liam had been insistent that the files remain in Boston. He didn’t want to risk tipping off any suspects to the real reason for their trip should the paperwork be discovered. So, under direct orders from the former British Naval officer to memorize the facts, when she reached the end of the files, she would start over again. She sorted and resorted the files into stacks based on a variety of factors from chronological order to some distinguishing characteristic like age, proximity to crime, or possible motive.

If her attention kept wondering back to the grainy photo of one Killian Jones, brother of her dour compatriot, she blamed the wine and lack of sleep. Even the low quality of the picture couldn’t conceal that the younger Jones brother was an incredibly attractive man. However, he looked enough like Liam to make her interest unsettling and that was what finally pulled her away from her research and drove her to bed where she dreamed of blue eyes and a wicked smile.

—

For most of the trip, the only sound was of the sports commentators who nearly shouted out a play-by-play of a soccer match Liam had politely asked to listen to as they pulled out of her parking garage. The only other break in their silent commute was the subtle hum and thump of road noise occasionally making its way into the cabin. He had been unimpressed with her offer to take her car, not even bothering to acknowledge her when she suggested it and simply opening the lift gate to the large, dark colored Honda Pilot he had rented. If he noticed her surprise at finding several bags already in the truck and heard her sarcastic observation about packing light as she had to reposition some of his luggage to find a spot for her single gym sized duffel bag, he didn’t show it.

As she had predicted, they spent an hour stuck in traffic before getting beyond the city limits where the cars spread out and their follow drivers seemed to think that allowed them to indulge in NASCAR fantasies. She used the quiet to mentally go over the particulars of the case before them, secure in the knowledge that unless she magically sprouted another head Liam was unlikely to start up a conversation at this point in the trip.

Fact One: Leo and Ava Blanchard left for a date night and never returned home to their young daughter. There car was found broken down on the side of the road about a mile from their home. No sign of foul play, no trace of their whereabouts.

Fact Two: Shortly thereafter, there was a burglary at Gold’s Pawnshop on Main Street. No sign of forced entry and the owner claimed nothing had been stolen, but the alarm had been tripped from the inside. Having nothing to go on and with no stolen items to track down, the local law enforcement devoted a total of five minutes to the case. Basically as soon as the report was filed, the case was closed and life moved on.

Fact Three: Robert Nolan had a few too many at a bar one night, which apparently was a reoccurring circumstance, and never found his way back to his family. He was rumored to be involved in some illicit activities but no proof of a crime was ever found.

Fact Four: There appeared to be a bit of a lull for more than a decade and then a rapid secession of missing person reports: Regina Mills, Peter Wolfe, and finally Milah Gold.

It was the last one that seemed to drive Liam’s interest in the cases. Although he and his brother hadn’t relocated to the US until the early 2000s, it seemed his little brother quickly formed an attachment, which Emma read between the lines to mean had an affair, with the older wife of the town’s local businessman. After his wife vanished into thin air, Mr. Gold and the local police tried their best to pin her disappearance on Killian but could never come up with enough evidence to press charges.

The final piece came through sources Liam was disinclined to name. He had recently found out that a newly arrived visitor had been asking questions around town and according to his source, the visitor was a best-selling true crime author named August Booth who happened to be weeks away from publishing a tell-all book about the sordid history of the town.

Going into full protective mode, Liam had decided the best course of action was to return to the small town and solve the mystery, or potentially multiple mysteries if they were as interconnected as he thought, thereby clearing his brother’s name beyond all doubt.

If it had been anyone else who had asked for her help, she would have been flattered but she knew Liam to be practical above all else. He valued her skills but it was probably Henry’s absence that was the catalyst for this particular partnership. He needed an extra set of eyes and ears and she was a known element who was conveniently available for a long term undercover assignment. Still, he had trusted her with the family secrets, or at least his brother’s secrets, so she was trying to be mindful this wasn��t simply another case for him.

She wasn’t convinced the non-burglary and series of disappearances he seemed to think connected would turn out to be anything but she knew better than to discard possibilities this early on. She also wasn’t convinced that parading in front of his family and friends as a girlfriend was a good game plan.

“I think we need to revisit this cover story,” she said as he pulled off the highway and into the lot of a gas station.

“If you can find a more convincing reason for me to show up with a strange woman, I will gladly listen to it,” he replied before exiting the car and fading away into the dark night.

“No, I wouldn’t like anything from the store, thanks for asking,”she called out to his back, wanting to nettle him in retaliation for his rudeness although she doubted he heard her. According to the GPS, they were only about forty-five minutes from their destination, a place called Granny’s Diner. She tried to research the town, including restaurants, venues, and things to do but it was as if Storybrooke existed out of the modern age. While you could find it on maps, there wasn’t an internet presence at all. There were no tourism sites, despite the fact that most little towns that dot the Atlantic coast were in peak season for welcoming travelers. It appeared that chains and national franchises had no interest in the sleepy town either. There were no notable residents making their marks on the world at large, no complaints on business sites, no reviews of the natural beauty to be found in its forests and parks.

The sound of Liam returning to the vehicle and pumping gas broke her train of thought. Hearing the gentle chime of her phone, she took the opportunity to check her texts before they got back on the road. Smiling a little at seeing Henry’s name on her notifications, she clicked the message and was rewarded with a silly photo of him pretending to be eaten by a shark at one of the selfie stations located on a pier in whatever seaside town they were currently visiting. She text him back a thumb’s up, following it quickly with a good night and reminder that she would send him the details of where she was staying in the morning.

Running her finger gently over her son’s happy grin in the photo, she didn’t greet Liam as he climbed back into the car.

“That’s a nice picture,” he mumbled, clicking his seatbelt in place before pulling out and rejoining the dwindling line of cars heading north. “Is he having a good time?”

“Looks like it,” she answered, turning her head away somewhat embarrassed to feel the prick of tears in her eyes. She wasn’t an emotional person but she missed the kid something fierce.

Either he was being exceptionally sensitive to her distress or he didn’t notice it because they lapsed back into silence until they were about fifteen minutes from the town line. Deciding next to the last minute was as a good a time to broach the topic again as any, she picked up on her earlier comment as if it hadn’t been over half an hour ago. “Listen, I’m not saying I have a better cover but maybe we could not volunteer the girlfriend story. You know, keep our options open unless someone asks us directly. Or maybe actually tell them we are there to investigate.”

Hope for a rational debate on the merits of her suggestions was immediately crushed when he actually started to laugh. “You’ve never lived in a small town, have you?”

“No, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“Emma, I left five years ago under some difficult circumstances—“

“What circumstances? How difficult?”

“That’s need to know, lass,” he interrupted in a tone that cautioned against any further questions. “If it had anything to do with our case, I would have already told you. Let me assure you that everyone will know of our arrival within minutes of the car entering town. There will be a description of you circulating before you wake up tomorrow morning. There is no way people aren’t going to ask us directly and repeatedly the nature of our visit and relationship.”

She was about to interrupt again so he held up a hand to stall her and added, “And if we decline to provide details, they will make them up. Trust me, it’s better to control the story than to have eyes following us everywhere trying figure it out for themselves. As far as openly investigating a crime, you’re daft if you think they won’t clam up the second you start asking questions. In my experience people are more comfortable being a gossip than a snitch. If we are simply a couple enjoying a trip down memory lane, we will be able to move much more freely.”

“But your brother,” she countered weakly because she had to admit he had a point. “How can you lie to him? Surely he can be trusted with the truth. Not to mention that if we are staying with him, he’s going to notice that we don’t like each other.”

“What are you talking about? I’m quite fond of you. You’re one of my best friends,” he said in indignation.

Her jaw went slack with shock as she tried to process how she had slipped into some bizarro alternate reality. What in their past could possibly have given him the idea that they were friends, besties even. “I don’t know what—“ she sputtered. “Is this some weird British thing?”

He barked out a laugh that was so unlike him that she doubled down on her alternate reality theory. “Calm down, Emma. It was a joke. We aren’t friends exactly but I don’t dislike you. It will be fine. Pretend I’m one of your fake dates for a couple of weeks. Lucky for you, I’m an old-fashioned guy. Killian won’t think anything of us bunking separately.”

“There is old-fashioned and then there is being a monk, Liam. But whatever. I still think you should trust your brother. Especially since it’s his neck we’re trying to save.”

“I would trust him with my life. What I can’t trust is that he won’t go off half-cocked and muck up the investigation. He’ll understand why I did this as long as we get results.”

She believed that he believed what he was saying. She also believed he was wrong. As a person who always preferred the truth, no matter how painful, her gut told her that it would be a mistake to keep the younger Jones in the dark about the true purpose of their trip. However, besties or not, she knew the mulish tilt to Liam’s mouth indicated that for him the discussion was over.

At that moment, the high beams illuminated the Welcome to Storybrooke sign. She felt an ominous dread settle over her as they approached, turning in her seat to look at the sign as they passed.

It was the last thing she saw before the world exploded in glass shards, twisted metal, and smoke.

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ardett · 3 years

Text

all dead hearts to you

Description: George and Dream have never met in person. It isn’t a problem until Dream calls George to tell him he’s going to kill himself.

check this out on Ao3 if you wanna be cool!

Author’s Note: Not me crashing recklessly into another fandom (also this is assuming sapnap went home to Texas after living with dream idk let me live)

title from Dead Hearts by Stars

also I'm new here, anyone wanna give me a welcome to the boys?

warnings: suicide warning (obviously) but no actual suicide, general anxiety and panic attacks

It’s 3am when George gets Dream’s call.

Late, but only really for him. It’s still before midnight in Florida, right around 10pm. He’d like to say that he’s so practiced with converting time zones that he doesn’t even have to think about it but he still has to count backwards on his fingers, thinking on the jump between late late nights and early mornings.

He’s still awake but the leds in his room have been turned to red, set to the dimmest mode. He was streaming with Quackity up until about half an hour ago and his room has settled back into quiet again.

He feels the thrum of anxiety as he hears the ringtone. Dream usually only calls him when George is about to sleep through something important or if he’s on the road. George wonders if he forgot something today or maybe he let something slip on his call with Quackity.

Now that it’s on his mind, he realizes that he hasn’t heard from Dream all day. Or yesterday?

They’ve both been busy, though George has been busy with the usual things and Dream said something about needing to put his affairs in order or whatever that meant. They usually text at least but even that has been quieter.

George grabs his phone off his desk and picks up the call.

“Dream. What’s up?” he asks. George runs a quick hand through his hair, checking his screen quickly. It’s a real phone call, not even a discord call. “Hey, I’m putting you on speaker. I’m gonna put on my pajamas.”

He’s about to set the phone on his dresser when Dream says, “Oh, I probably shouldn’t be on speaker.”

There’s something off in his tone. Something flat. It sets George’s nerves on edge.

“Yeah? Okay.” George tucks the phone back by his ear, slumping back on his bed. “Did you have something you had to tell me?”

“Yeah. George, I’m going to kill myself.”

Everything in George stills.

And then starts to spin.

“What?”

“I’m going to—”

“You’re not serious.” George jerks upright, ignoring the lightheaded feeling sinking its fingers into his skull. “Dream, this isn’t funny.”

“I don’t think it is. It’s just going to happen.”

There’s not even a tremor in Dream’s voice. George can’t feel anything past the bone deep shock in his system.

All he can think of is Dream, wrists bloody and split open. Dream, fingertips dusted white with the residue of unnamed pills. Dream, rope burns fracturing the long line of his neck.

Dream, dead.

How is he even going to do it? Is he actually going to do it? George wants to ask but then he realizes he doesn’t want to know.

He imagines the first time he sees Dream in person is when he attends his funeral.

He imagines all the words he’s held in for so long, waiting and waiting for the moment he could say them to Dream face to face, finally being said to dead air.

But George can’t say that so all he manages is an obstinate, “No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Stop disagreeing with me.”

“George,” Dream laughs. Laughs.

George feels dizzy with the disbelief swirling inside him. Surely this can’t be happening. What reason would Dream have to make this up though? Dream would never joke about something like this. Why is he laughing?

How can Dream be so casual when George’s world is shattering?

He doesn’t know what a future without Dream looks like.

They’ve always lived miles apart but Dream has never felt so far away. George has never felt like this. Like he couldn’t reach him.

“Dream.” Dream’s laugh cuts off as soon as he hears the plea in George’s voice. “Is something wrong? Are you— I can come there. I can be with you tomorrow. Sapnap can stay with you again. You don’t have to do this—”

“I know. But I want to. So I’m going to.” Any trace of mirth is gone. Dream sounds the same way he did when he decided he was going to break a world record or make YouTube work for him.

Determined. Steadfast. His voice has the steely confidence of knowing he won’t fail.

Usually it’s inspiring but now the familiarity of it just makes George sick. He’s never known Dream to be someone content with failure.

George's phone digs into his palm as his grip spasms. He tastes blood.

And he doesn’t even know why yet.

“What happened? Whatever it is, we can fix it.”

Dream sighs. “Nothing’s wrong, George.”

“There has to be something wrong. You can tell me,” George insists. Then he changes tactics and lies through his teeth. “I swear I won’t tell anyone else. We can work this out together, just the two of us. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I already told you nothing’s wrong,” Dream repeats.

“Then why would you… do that?” George trips over the word, rephrases it instead.

And then Dream rips that tiny defense to shreds.

“You can say it you know,” Dream says. “I’m going to kill myself. You should probably get used to it actually. People are going to ask you about it. I’m sorry about that,” he adds as an afterthought.

The harsh, blunt words sting against George’s skin.

“Don’t apologize,” he strangles out. “Don’t apologize for that out of everything. Just don’t do it.”

“George,” Dream breathes, exasperated.

“I just don’t understand,” George begs. For the first time, his voice wavers.

Dream, cold gun in his cold hands. Dream, long limbs hanging over the railing of a bridge as he stares down. Dream, slumped over his table with a bottle of vodka nestled near his feet.

Dream, dead.

Dead.

“Don’t cry, okay?” Dream’s voice softens. George forgot how gentle Dream could be with him when he wanted.

“I didn’t want to make you cry. Look, it’s just…” Dream trails off. Eventually, he continues even quieter. “This is it, you know? This is the top, this is the peak. It can’t go on like this forever, crazy numbers on videos and trending on twitter and all that shit. I’d rather go out like this than wait to hit the bottom. Doesn’t that make sense?” Dream persuades.

“No,” George insists, all the air leaving his lungs at once.

“Come on, George. Can you even picture yourself growing old? What happens when we’re 30, 40, and all of this is gone. Do you want that?”

The sick part of it all is that George has imagined the future. He imagines it lovingly, not viciously. Not like this.

He imagined a future with Sapnap and Bad and Karl and Quackity but most of all with Dream. He wants so badly to be with him. Sapnap talked about living together, how great parts of it had been, how he would have stayed if he hadn’t had to return home for family, and George so selfishly wants that for himself.

And he’s always known that’s not what Dream pictured. Dream doesn’t want what he wants. Dream doesn’t want to grow old with someone, much less George.

Can you even picture yourself growing old?

It hurts because George can and he always wanted it to be with Dream.

“What are you even saying? Do you want me to kill myself too?” George bites. He scrubs viciously at his eyes and stabs at the power button of his computer, teeth piercing into his lip as he waits for it to turn on.

“No, no, of course not. I would never— Come on, that’s obviously not what I’m saying.”

George fumbles with his keyboard, pulling up his discord messages with Sapnap.

He just needs someone else to help him, someone else to know. Someone who can do what he can’t. Someone who isn’t as fucking helpless as him, who doesn’t live an ocean away and who has never seen Dream in person and has never touched Dream, not once, has never known what the sun feels like in Florida.

Of course he was lying when he said this was going to stay between the two of them.

This isn’t the kind of thing he can do alone.

George: Sapnap dream says hes going

George: to kill himself

George: you have to get someone to him

George: call 999

George: 911

Sapnap: what

George: please now sap Im on the phone with him

Sapnap: are you joking

George: no

George: do it

George: please fast now

“Are you typing?” Dream questions, a note of warning in his tone.

George jerks. “No, I—”

He’s cut off by a beeping from his phone.

His heart stops.

“What’s that sound?” Dream asks.

Sapnap is calling him.

George can picture him, knee jumping as he clutches his phone, hoping against hope that George is joking. He can practically hear the adrenaline trembling in Sapnap’s voice, can see the way Sapnap stands and paces.

He can’t answer though. He can’t leave Dream.

George declines the call, hand shaking.

“Who was that?” The question is flat.

“No one,” George says too quickly.

“No one?” Dream repeats. Only a second or two passes before George hears the same beep through his phone speaker, this time coming from Dream’s end. “Wow look who’s calling me. Sapnap. Wonder if he changed his name to No One,” Dream says without emotion.

Sapnap: fck are you serious

George bites his tongue, wincing.

“Dream—”

George: y

George can’t manage to type anything more before Dream snarls, “You’re such a fucking snitch, you know that? It’s fine though, I thought this might happen. I was gonna call him after you, for the record.” It almost sounds like Dream is smiling. George’s heart twists. Why is he smiling? “I know you have to try as a friend to save me, or whatever you want to call it, but you really don’t have to. I want to do this. I’m going to.

“It’s not like you could really stop me anyway,” Dream continues. “You don’t even know where I live. You barely know what I look like. What, are you going to ask the police to search the entire state of Florida?”

“Sapnap knows,” George whispers.

He tries to shake off the savagery seeping into Dream’s voice. He tells himself Dream is defensive, Dream is nervous, Dream is scared. Dream isn’t thinking about what he’s really saying.

Though things have never mattered before, the fact George has never been to Florida, that George has never seen Dream in person. But now Dream is weaponizing them against him, forcing George to acknowledge that for everything their relationship is, it can never replace an in person friendship. And Dream has always been a better fighter than George.

“No, he doesn’t. Me and Sap rented a house, remember? We never went to my house. I never sent him my actual address, I checked.” And Dream sounds so smug. Like he won.

George’s gaze darts back to his computer.

But he already knows Dream isn’t a liar.

Sapnap: I dont know his address

Sapnap: fuck

Sapnap: Im calling bad

Sapnap: dont let him hang up

“People are so dumb about it, you know? They tell all their friends and then they get caught before actually doing it,” Dream goes on, not paying attention to George’s disconsolate silence.

“But you’re telling me,” George mutters. Hopelessness strings through him.

Sapnap isn’t writing anything else. George can only hope Bad picked up.

“Yeah but you’re literally in another country. What are you going to do about it?”

George can’t manage any words. He doesn’t even know if he remembers how to breathe.

Dream is right, he always seems to be right. George just wishes it wasn’t about this. Anything but this. He has to believe that Sapnap and Bad will figure something out. He has to trust them.

“Just think about how many people are found before they actually do it,” Dream goes on in George’s quiet. “Because they can’t commit. Most people are cowards. It’s dumb honestly. Just do it or don’t.”

“Don’t then,” George whispers.

His eyes burn with unshed tears. His fingers spasm on his bedsheets.

He doesn’t know what Dream wants. Does he want George to beg? To get on his knees and plead with him to save his own life? Because he would in a heartbeat but he doubts it would make a difference.

Dream sighs. “I feel like you’re not listening to me, George.”

“No, I am.” George’s voice rises with his wrath. Suddenly all his terror and frustration comes to a bursting point. “I’m listening. I’m listening to you talk about killing yourself. I just think you’re wrong. I think it would be a lot fucking braver to stay alive even if your views go down, even if you’re not fucking famous, Dream. What the fuck? You’re a fucking coward for trying to leave!” George’s breaths heave through the staticy phone microphone. His fear and anger wind him.

There’s a moment of emptiness.

Then, lip curling, Dream says, “Trying to leave you?”

George chokes.

“What?”

“Don’t try and pull this card, George. That’s what you’re trying to say, isn’t it? I’m a coward for leaving everyone behind? For leaving you?”

Dream’s voice drowns out George’s. George flinches, though Dream can’t see it.

“Don’t be so fucking selfish. I hate that, you know that?” Dream growls. “Everyone thinks they’re enough to save someone all by themselves. Wow, the sheer force of your love just fucking yanked me back from the edge of a cliff, give me a fucking break,” Dream scoffs. George’s ribs feel tight. “You can’t just reverse psychology or guilt me out of this.”

“Jesus, Dream, is it so hard to believe that maybe I care about you and I don’t want you to fucking die?” George grits out.

The room swims before him. He can’t remember how to uncurl his fingers.

“Well it’s not up to you, is it?” Dream practically smirks.

And that’s it, isn’t it? The winning phrase. Because Dream’s right.

It’s not up to George.

George can only listen helplessly as Dream considers his own grave. He’s a constant witness to the storm that is Dream. He was always grateful to be dragged along in Dream’s hurricane winds and now he dreads the day they calm.

“You’re being cruel,” George murmurs. His aggression leaves him as soon as it came.

“I’m being honest,” Dream contends.

George sinks his head into his hands. “Why did you even call me then? To— to gloat?”

Dream’s voice goes low and quiet, vulnerable. George’s insides twist and melt and contort. “No, no, I just… I don’t know. I just wanted to talk to you one more time.”

“Don’t say that,” George hisses. The words are half muffled into his palms.

“Don’t say what?” Dream asks defensively.

“Don’t say one more time. You can’t— you can’t—'' It all hits George at once. He’s going to lose him.

He’s going to lose Dream.

Before he knows it, he’s sobbing into the phone, loud ugly heaving sobs. “Don’t do it, Dream. I’m serious. Please— Just wait for one of us to get there. We can be with you. We can help.”

Dream’s voice hardens again. “You mean you can stop me.”

“Dream—” George starts to beg, trying to figure out how to lie without Dream catching him.

But Dream beats him to it.

“I’m gonna hang up now—”

Panic rips through George. The shock of it physically hurts in his veins, in his heart.

“No!” he almost screams. “Dream, Dream, don’t hang up—”

“Oh my god, relax. I’m calling Sapnap. I’m not doing anything yet.” He can almost hear Dream rolling his eyes. It’s not comforting.

George sniffles. He knows it sounds pathetic. He’s not one for pity but if it gets Dream to keep talking with him, he’s willing to stoop to any low. He just doesn’t know if he can believe Dream.

“Can’t you just… stay on the phone with me?”

“What, forever? Is that your plan? Just keep me on the line until someone inevitably finds me somehow?” Dream mocks.

Yes.

“No,” George says instead because he thinks it’s what Dream wants to hear.

Dream switches tactics. George recognizes the persuasion in his tone.

“Don’t you want me to call Sapnap? Shouldn’t he also get the chance to talk with me?” Dream questions.

Guilts rests against George’s ribs.

Of course he wants Sapnap to get the chance to talk to Dream. What if this is their last chance to talk? But George is too selfish to think about it much.

“That’s not what you’re asking me. Don’t try and pull that shit. You’re asking me to hang up. You’re asking for me to say goodbye and I’m…” George’s voice drops, almost inaudible. “I’m not ready.”

“George…” Dream’s voice trails off. His next words are nearly silent, something bitter and mournful about them. “You know I love you, right?”

“I know,” George mumbles.

“Are you gonna say it back to me?” Dream demands. George doesn’t know what holds him back now but something does.

“You know I do, Dream, why—”

The dial tone rings in George’s ears.

Dream hung up.

Not even 30 seconds pass, not nearly enough for the abrupt end of their call to sink in, when George’s phone is ringing again. He fumbles with his screen but manages to pick up.

“George?”

George’s heart sinks. It’s not the voice he wants to hear. That he needs to hear.

“Bad?”

“Yeah,” Bad affirms. “Are you okay?”

“Am I okay? Am I—” George scoffs and it feels like it rips his throat. He feels like he wants to scream. Like he wants to punch a wall. Like he would give anything to be somewhere warmer right now. “No, I’m obviously not okay, Bad. He’s going to— to—”

“I know. Sapnap told me.”

Bad’s voice is collected, even. It just makes George more frustrated. How can everyone be so fucking calm about this?

“George, just try to take some deep breaths, okay?” George ignores the suggestion. “Sapnap is on the phone with Dream. He just hung up on me to talk to him. I’m driving there right now, okay?”

George pauses. Something cold washes over him. He doesn’t know yet if it’s relief.

“You’re— you’re driving to Dream?”

“Yes,” Bad affirms. “We just have to keep him talking to someone for the next hour—”

“Hour? Are you serious? That’s too long!” George knows he’s screaming now. He doesn’t care.

“George—”

“We have to call an ambulance, the police. There has to be someone we can call.”

George squeezes his eyes shut, trying to think of other ways they could possibly get there in time. He comes up blank. He can’t accept it. He can’t.

Dream, alone. Dream, bereft. Dream, dead.

“I know but I can’t— I was trying to tell you.” Bad’s words are muffled. It sounds like he’s biting the inside of his cheek. He confesses, “I don’t know his exact address. Sapnap is going to try and get it while he talks to him. I’m driving to Orlando and hopefully Sap knows it by the time I get there but we’re just—”

“No, no, no—”

George thinks of Bad arriving just in time to find Dream’s body still warm. He’s going to be sick. His chest hurts. His lungs burn.

“Try and take some deep breaths—” Bad placates as George speaks over him.

“I’m never going to talk to him again. He’s going to kill himself.” George is spiraling. He can’t stop himself.

“George, I’m going to get there in time.” But Bad doesn’t sound sure of himself. George zeros in on the weakness.

“You don’t know that,” George hisses.

“This is hard for all of us, George!” George startles at Bad’s yell. He’s heard Bad raise his voice before but never at him, never seriously. “I’m sorry,” Bad apologizes, words quieting again. George hears a sniffle through the phone.

Bad’s crying.

God, George is a terrible person. He didn’t even think to check in on Bad. Bad’s the one who might find Dream halfway there or already committed. He’s the only one who’s even close to being able to do something and maybe that’s the worst position to be in.

To be so close and lose a friend anyway.

“You don’t have to apologize. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t… I know it’s hard for all of us. I know you’re doing everything you can. You’re doing more than me.” George tries to laugh but it gets stuck in his throat. It’s not funny anyway.

“It’s going to be okay,” but it doesn’t even sound like Bad believes himself.

“I don’t think I can talk about this anymore,” George murmurs. He feels exhausted. There’s so much adrenaline coursing through him that it hurts. “Can we just talk about something else just… just for a little?” he begs. Like anything could distract him from this.

“Yeah George.” George can hear the sympathy in Bad’s voice. He’s too far gone for the pity to bother him. “Let me— Let me tell you about what I did this weekend on the SMP.”

George sucks in a sharp inhale. “Not— not the SMP. Can you talk about something else?”

“Of course,” Bad agrees easily. “So last Friday I went to visit my family…”

George lets Bad talk in the background. Every once in a while, one of them will sniffle or sob or take a breath that’s too shaky to be normal. Neither of them mentions it.

George listens to people walk past his window, their voices carrying up into the stars.

The noises of the highway drone on through his phone.

Bad drives.

George thinks about what it would be like to go on without Dream.

He’ll never be the same, he already knows. It will haunt him for years. For the rest of his life. The thought of being so close to someone and then losing them.

Death is natural. He knows that. But it’s the intentionality of it that aches the most. The idea that Dream would leave behind everything for something so painful and unknown.

And George just knows… part of him will die with Dream and never come back.

George doesn’t know who he’ll be with that part missing.

part 1/3, though the next update won’t really be an update but it will be soon

#dreamnotfound #dnf #just gotta get those tags out of the way #dream smp #fanfiction #dream smp fanfiction #dnf fanfic #tw suicide #mcyt #mcyt fanfiction #thewar #dream team #pls just go to Ao3 I'm begging you

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idkthisisjustforfanfic · 4 years

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C A L L M E C A T, chapter nine

January 2017

We had time off near the holidays, space for all of us was good. The rush of our record deal and newfound fame was suffocating in moments, exhilarating in others.

Niall journeyed back to Ireland and Miles back up north to Massachusetts. Jules’ parents were only in Connecticut, and Harry had already made the trip back to the UK to see his family.

By the time the New Year came, I was sick of being in Florida with no friends and minimal interaction from my parents. Our last night together as a band was the night of my drunken exit, something that we all knew was awkward and tense but didn’t dare to mention the next morning.

Being around my parents made me drink less just because I feared becoming them. Which was probably good for both my liver and my mind, but bad for my emotional state. It had been a few weeks since I’d spoken to Miles or Harry. Jules would check in just to make sure I hadn’t murdered my parents yet, Niall sent pictures of his nephew and the pints he was drinking back home.

I sat on the back patio a few days into 2017, sunglasses on to block the sun and hoping to get a bit of a glow on the unseasonably warm day. My phone buzzed beside me and pulled my attention back to the pool in front of me, my parents were both at work and I finally had a minute without them to gather my thoughts.

Nothing about the sunshine state made me want to stay, especially not the locked door down the hall that had been untouched since 2011. The bed was likely unmade and I was sure dust had collected on the trophies that lined his shelves.

I picked up my phone and read the message that had just come through, one that made me want to abandon my home state more than I already did.

Harry Styles (1:03pm): Random question, are you still in Florida?

I looked around the backyard, boats buzzed by on the water and the waves glimmered in the sun.

Cat Fonder (1:04pm): Unfortunately

Harry Styles (1:04pm): Me too.

I pulled up the phone and read it twice before I pressed the phone icon near his name. It rang once before he answered.

“Hi!”

“What are you doing in Florida?”

“Well--bit of an airline issue, so I ended up on a flight here instead of New York. I’m stuck here overnight.”

“That sucks,” I admitted, turning on my side on the pool lounge chair. “What are you going to do?”

“Well,” he took a pause, but I could tell he’d already decided. “You’re going to come get me at the airport.”

“What makes you think that?”

He laughed on the other end of the phone. “I mean, you wouldn’t let me sleep overnight in the Miami airport would you?” I let out a groan for him to hear, laughed a little when he threw in: “I know you have enough bedrooms at your parents house.”

Marta, our longtime housekeeper and an adopted member of our family, slid open the door to the living room. “Do you want lunch?”

“In a few!” I called back to her. “Harry--you can Uber here if you want.”

“Oh just come pick me up--how far do you live from the airport?”

“From Miami? Like an hour and a half!”

“Which is exactly why I’m not paying for an Uber, Catherine.”

I exhaled through my nose, licked at my lips, already regretting the decision to take one of my dad’s cars into a Miami afternoon. The air was sticky and the climb in my heartbeat made me feel stupid and childish. Harry’s chastising on the other end didn’t help.

“Did you hang up on me? Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“Cause I’m trying to think of a plan to be in a car with you and not kill you.”

He let out a belly laugh at this, noise from the busy airport terminal was seeping through the speaker and into my ears. “I’ll make sure we don’t lay any hands on each other.”

Goosebumps rose on my skin, his voice almost melodic when he said see you soon!

I grabbed the keys and took a sandwich for the road from Marta, prayed to some type of higher power that I didn’t rear end someone or fuck up my dad’s Mercedes. He drove the Tesla to work, which was good, honestly, because I wouldn’t even know how to turn that one on.

It took me only an hour and fifteen, which didn’t seem like a result of my timid driving but more the lack of traffic and time of day. When I rolled up to the baggage claim and saw him standing on the curb with sunglasses pushed up and a hood over his head, I rolled the window down.

“How’s the disguise working?”

He made a face at me, stuffed his suitcase in the backseat and climbed in front. “You joke, but there were girls who literally cried when they saw me. And a few photographers, I think--which is really weird.”

“Really?” I looked over my shoulder and put on my blinker, hoping to merge effortlessly over three lanes to get out of the hellhole that was Miami International.

“Yeah--don’t know why but people apparently like our band in Florida. Hometown pride, maybe.”

He had a point--apparently my name had been one of the most searched google phrases in the state at the end of 2016. But we weren’t really paparazzi level yet, once or twice in New York or LA when we’d do shows, but they’d yet to really follow us around.

“Okay, well you might have to be silent the rest of the ride if you want to get to Palm Beach in one piece.”

He turned towards me with an amused look. “Do you suck at driving?”

“No,” I said, looking over at him quickly, a car merged in front of me and made me swerve to the side a little bit when I took my eyes off the road.

“Jesus fuck!” He laughed, “oh god--you would be absolutely rubbish at driving. This is actually extremely on brand for you.”

“I’m not rubbish at driving,” I twisted my face. “I’m just out of practice.”

We made it four miles away from the airport before he demanded that I get out and let him drive, arguing that even if the steering wheel was on the other side and we drove on the wrong side of the road, he’d be a safer bet.

He got a coffee at a gas station and took a picture of me with the girl behind the register, more pleasant than I’d ever seen him be. He put the windows down and played me the songs he’d been listening to over the holidays and laughed when he pointed at my hands. “You got a manicure!”

I hid my face, embarrassed at the sellout I’d become. Thirteen whole days in town and my mother had convinced me to sit beside her, watch daytime talk shows while the spa ladies buffed and snipped our cuticles.

She made me, I laughed. You might end up with one too before you leave.

We rolled up to Island Drive right before my parents got home from work and Harry leaned towards the window to get a better view of the house. His mouth hung open when we turned into the shrub-lined driveway. “Jesus, Cat. What do your parents do again?”

“Work too much,” I told him. “Mom’s a dentist and my dad’s a financial advisor. They’re super obnoxious so please try to interact with them at a minimum like Marta and I do.”

“Marta?”

“Housekeeper, my old nanny--she’s part of the family.”

He nodded, still taking in the fountain and manicured lawn when I pulled his suitcase from the backseat. Harry had known that my parents were wealthy--mainly from the time that Miles made me sound like an obnoxious rich kid when we wrote at their apartment. But Harry was apparently surprised by the level of wealth that was held in Palm Beach. His lips parted when I brought him in the front door, views of the water over the crest of the lawn and the pool, eyes landing on mine after a few seconds.

“And you moved to New York, why?”

I kept my voice quiet, didn’t want Marta to hear my bluntness from the other room. “To get out of here.”

But soon she smiled and rushed over, eager to take Harry’s suitcase and bring it to the guest room. She offered him tea and coffee and all of the snacks that he joked he would have held out for if he knew she was here and waiting.

I brought him upstairs to show him the room he could sleep in, around the corner from mine, a view of the side yard and the gardens that a landscaping company tended to every Saturday morning. I laid the ground rules: no mentioning our partying, no mentioning times when I’ve been too drunk. If he wanted a free place to sleep with good food and a king-sized bed, he needed to keep his mouth shut about that stuff.

He saluted me and stifled a laugh. “Yes ma’am.”

“I’m serious,” I told him. “Just be quiet, don’t give them a reason to ask you any questions.”

“Alright--I mean, come on, they can’t be that bad.”

As if on cue--as if Harry showing up in Florida wasn’t enough bad karma for one day--the alarm beeped downstairs letting me know one of them was home. Lorna first, she came in with big sunglasses and greeted Harry with a smile, her hand outstretched for her afternoon glass of Chardonnay before Marta could even hang her keys up by the door.

Frank strolled in a little after six pm, dinner was almost ready when Harry excused himself to the bathroom and I took it as my opportunity to corner my mother before she was too drunk to remember it.

I knocked on her office door twice, waited for her to look up from her computer before I took a few steps inside. “Hi, dear,” she said, a small smile before she looked back to the papers on her desk.

“Hi--I just wanted to uh, ask you a favor, actually.” I approached her with my hands on my hips, unsure if I’d get her full attention or if I’d have to snap my fingers to get her eyes back on me. I sat down in the chair across from her, a formal chess move to let her know I was serious.

“What’s that?” She leaned back in her chair and waited for me to spit it out. Her direct eye contact made me nervous, I stammered over my words and tried to sway her by bringing my dad into it.

“I, uh, just asked dad the same thing--he said it was fine.”

“Just spit it out, Catherine.”

“Can we not talk about Cameron in front of Harry?”

She set down her glasses at this, watched me for a second before she tilted her head to the side. “Okay.”

“Like, at all. Okay? Not even once.”

She sighed, almost as if my request was painful for her to consider. “Okay, if that’s what you want.”

Maybe she’d tone it down with a stranger in the house. Maybe not talking about Cameron for someone else’s benefit would make her respect the limit more than she had in the past.

I had hoped for so long that one day it’d stop, one day she’d forget his name or leave it out of conversation even if just for my sake. But my mother was too selfish for that--always forgetting that while she was grieving a son, I was grieving my other half.

I should have known she couldn’t help herself--she had to relive the moment over and over, desperate to keep herself alive in the past as if it was safer than the present. His name slipped out of her mouth like she didn’t even realize it, I nearly choked on my asparagus at the dinner table when she said it.

Harry was busy making small talk about our upcoming album, the studio sessions we’d be heading into once we flew back to the city. “Our manager said it’ll be good timing to release an album, makes us eligible for award season the following year.”

She pretended to be interested, pretended to care for a second about our careers, but then she did it. “Reminds me of the time Cameron won that award--”

“Mom,” I said it quick, my hands falling to the table with a thud, fork and knife in my grasp when I cut her off. “Don’t.”

The noise startled Harry, but the genuine smile on his face only faltered a little. “No, I’d love to hear the story,” he didn’t even have a clue to the fire he was igniting.

“We talked about it mom,” I gave her a death glare--which I could tell threw her off. She was frozen, torn between pleasing her dinner guest and pissing off her daughter, two of her favorite past times.

She gestured at Harry. “Well I don’t want to be rude, Catherine.”

“Dad,” I looked over to see him on his phone, my voice pleading for him to intervene.

“Lorna, leave it alone,” he said, disinterested, phone screen still lit up like he was begging for a distraction.

“Oh,” she sighed, sarcasm threaded in her words. “Right--we don’t go there.”

Harry was across from me, mid-bite of his steak. He looked from me and to my mom, then back, while he chewed. He had no clue what was happening but he could tell he’d said the wrong thing.

My mom picked up her wine glass, brought it to her lips and offered a sweet smile in Harry’s direction. “Nevermind, dear--don’t want to upset Catherine.”

I rolled my eyes and stood from the table, “Harry, do you want to go for a walk?”

He was caught off guard, still uncomfortably in the middle when he nodded quickly, stood from the table and thanked both of my parents for letting him stay the night as I headed for the front door. He hurried out behind me, his voice barely a whisper in the hallway. “Did I do that? Did I fuck up?”

“No,” I said, calling to Marta over my shoulder. “Dinner was delicious, Marta! We’ll be back!”

“What even happened in there?” He asked, still a few steps behind me once we walked out onto the moonlit driveway.

I stopped short and turned around, the anger in my chest was threatening to spill out and onto the concrete. “Nothing--my mother is just fucking stupid and selfish.”

“So the intimidating level of rage coming off of you is not my fault?”

“What? No.”

I spun around again and headed for the street, a left turn towards the familiar route that I’d escape to when something like this happened. He walked beside me on the tree-line street, silent and steady until the neighborhood opened up. The same empty field at the end of the road that gave access to the lagoon, the same location I’d come to so many times after storming away from dinner as a kid. Doing it at 22 felt no different than at 15.

He shoved his hands in his pockets when we stepped onto the grass. “What is this place?”

“I don’t know--an empty field at the end of my street.”

“Is this your ponder spot?”

I looked over my shoulder, his face was lit up by the glow of the streetlights. “Ponder spot?”

He nodded and offered a shrug, “you know, the place you run off to when you need space.”

I bit back a laugh, embarrassed that his words couldn’t have been more accurate. He took my silence as confirmation, followed me over to a picnic table that sat close to the end of the water.

I threw a leg over the bench and let my head rest on top, a groan escaping my lips once I felt his weight shift the structure.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head but didn’t lift it, so he let me sit in silence for a little while. A breeze blew my hair around and after a few minutes, he sighed, like he already knew the answer but wanted to ask anyway. “Do you want to tell me who Cameron is?”

That got me to raise my head. “Definitely not.”

He smirked a little, a tiny nod as if to tell me he wouldn’t push it. He reached a hand over and patted my thigh, chin in his hand as he watched people cruise by on their boats.

For the first time I felt comfortable with him--not pressured or panicked. He brought his eyes over to me and then fished into the pocket of his jeans. He pulled out a small joint, a dimple appeared on his cheek when he said: “I found this in the guest room.”

“Shut up,” I laughed, pulling it from him and sniffing it to inspect. “Did you really?”

He nodded, “which one of your parents is the stoner?”

“Well my mom is too high strung, so--must be Frank.”

He pulled out a lighter and held it up, watched when I placed it between my lips and then inhaled. I passed it over to him, thankful for a buffer between us now aside from the moon and the breeze.

Smoke escaped my lips and floated towards the stars, he drummed his fingers on the table before I passed it to him. “Do you feel overwhelmed ever?”

“Ever?” He laughed at my question, licked his lips and then looked out over the water.

“I mean by the music stuff lately.”

He shrugged. “Excited mostly. Why? Do you?”

I nodded, unafraid to admit that being home brought a different layer of complexity to life. “My parents will just never get it.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not successful.”

I looked down at the faded wood and the fresh coat of polish on my nails. “It kind of feels that way, though--you know, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, did it really happen?”

He stared at me for a second, sure that I was joking. “You’re mental,” he said. “The tree is down on the ground, of course it fell. Who fucking cares if they were around to hear it or not?”

I nodded, took the joint back from him and took another inhale, reminded of the first time we did this type of thing.

He passed it to me, watched as I let smoke dance through the chilly air before he asked: “Why do you go by Cat?”

Another shrug, how I answered most questions these days. Do you have nightmares about it? Do you think about him all the time? Do you feel easily agitated?

“Just don’t like Catherine. Too formal.”

I didn’t want to get into it. My mother calls me that, my brother called me that, all good reasons to pack up and leave behind in the childhood bedroom that held bad memories.

“I like Catherine,” he admitted. “S’pretty.”

I let my eyes sweep over to him, the moon reflected in his eyes, curls of hair poked out from the beanie on his head. “Just--don’t call me that, please.”

He laughed, completely unaware of the way it made my chest heave in the shower or the way it sent a shiver down my spine when my mom had to cut herself off--Catherine and Cameron--no, just Catherine.

I had to correct her now too. Catherine felt like it needed to be followed by something, another name, the one that had been linked to mine since birth, born two minutes apart.

“I think you’re pretty fucking successful, you know.”

I glanced over at him. “Yeah?”

A single nod. His short hair was still something to get used to, it bent in the wind and blocked his eyes when he turned to look at me. “I will never admit I said this, but, we’d be nothing without you.”

“Well, we only got big once you came along.”

He smirked, “so you’re aware of that?”

I gave him a shove, shaking my head at his stupid ego. His eyes lingered on mine for a second, his knee knocked against mine when he flicked the joint and then he let out a sigh.

I wanted to lean in and kiss him, and I probably would have if it weren’t for Lila. As far as I knew she was home in New York, maybe in Jersey with her parents or siblings, but certainly an obstacle to whatever kind of intoxicated hook up could have happened between us.

I cleared my throat and looked up at the sky. “Do you want to go write a song?”

He smiled, a soft one, nodded a few times and patted me on the thigh again before he stood up and offered me a hand. “I’d love to.”

He followed me back to the house, up the stairs to my bedroom and stared at the ceiling while I plucked at the guitar.

I don’t know where I wanna go,

But it’s far away from here

Don’t know what I’m running from

If it’s you or me, my dear

He watched, listened, nodded along while it poured out of me, more of a witness than a participant.

It’s good, Cat, he said, keep going.

Everybody’s talking now

But no one seems to say a thing

I do my best to drown them out

I just wish that I could be

Somewhere far away from here

Back to myself, back where I could see clear

Somewhere far away from here

Won’t somebody take me far away from here?

Sleep was heavy on my eyelids, Harry down the hall and a rough version already sent off in an email to Niall before I realized he’d said it. Four and a half years of begging him to say it, call me Cat, hoping one day he’d just give in and go along with it. All this time I thought fighting him and pushing him away would make it happen.

It was fitting, I guess, that it was the exact opposite that finally got me what I wanted.

Niall was excited that Harry had accidentally landed himself in Miami, and he was even more excited when he learned that I told him he could stay with me an extra few days before I was due to return to Manhattan and the responsibilities of work.

He was eager to see my town, made me drive him by the high school and the parking lot where I learned--or failed, according to him--to parallel park. He swam in the pool and spit water in my face, completely deconstructing the wall I had managed to build over the last few years with a single glance in my direction.

He promised he stayed because he was having fun, not just because flying home with me meant a first class seat.

It was rare, these days, too, that I found myself on a boat. A few times since the accident, maybe three or four. But his excitement and delight was contagious when he learned my parents still had one--the same one--and it was down on a dock off the backyard.

I let the motor hum to life, pinks and purples splashed over the sky on our last night when he popped a bottle of champagne. I wondered if Lila knew he was here--he seemed undisturbed by his phone and altogether disconnected and unplugged.

I drove us out to the middle of the lagoon, dropped anchor and told him about the time I learned to swim off the back. I was three or four, always in a life vest and completely unaware of the irony that my life was accumulating.

Cam would jump off first, his floaties on his arms as he swam over to my dad who’d be in the water already. My mom would clap and snap pictures, throw us a noodle or two and then wrap us in towels back on board the boat.

Harry was treading water beside me, though, hair dripping wet after he’d pulled off his shirt and shorts.

I laughed when he dared me to jump in after him, said he hoped my swimming skills were better than they were back then. He splashed enough water at me on the boat before I gave in, promised he wouldn’t watch me undress and wouldn’t tell a soul that we’d been this cliché, swimming in our underwear and conversation laced with champagne giggles. So I tossed my shirt to the side and shimmied out of my shorts before I let myself sink under the surface.

When I came up, he was watching me.

“What?”

“Nothing--just--s’been nice to hang out with you.”

I twisted my face at his kindness, crinkled my nose at the friendship that had suddenly blossomed in the cool Florida weather.

The laughter from another boat floated over the waves, a big splash is what did it.

I looked over, searched for the person only a hundred yards away, desperate for their head to emerge from the water, unlike his. My heartbeat was in my ears, throat tight and shoulders tense.

“Where are they?” I asked, my head turning frantically. “Do you see them? Did they come up?”

“What?” Harry followed my gaze and the smile faded from his lips. “What are you talking about?”

A man popped back up, a group of people on the boat cheered for him and sang along the music that hummed from their speakers. Harry could tell something was wrong, I tried my best to slow my breathing when I realized what was happening.

I swam over to the boat, hands clutching the ladder as I pulled myself up. My breathing was sporadic, the images flashing through my head with no option to pause. Allie’s voice, Will’s voice, the feeling in my chest when I knew he was dead and we couldn’t do anything about it.

But I was acutely aware of the moment around me, Harry climbed up to the boat behind me and had a terrified look on his face, green eyes searching the floor for a towel before he draped it over my shoulders.

“You’re alright--Cat, you’re alright, it’s okay,” his arms were around me when a sob slipped out, eyes stung from a mix of salt water and tears. I couldn’t do this, it couldn’t happen here and now.

The waves from that day couldn’t show up, drag me under until I couldn’t breathe like he couldn’t. Not in front of Harry.

“Hey,” he said, moving my shoulders to force me to sit down, his knees across from mine when he looked me in the eyes. “You’re alright, nothing’s happening.”

I nodded, licked at my lips and wiped at my eyes with the towel when I blinked a few times. Feet on the boat, hands around the towel, I could see blue and white and the keys in the ignition. “Okay,” I said, more grounded. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he repeated, hands on my knees now to keep them from shaking.

Silence for a minute when I looked back at the other boat. They were fine. No one was drowning. I wasn’t drowning. I was on the boat and Harry was on the boat.

The sun had sunk lower now, almost meeting the horizon when I met his eyes again.

“When did he die?”

“What?”

“Your brother.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He plucked at his lower lip, he dropped my gaze for a second and then sighed. “It’s okay, Cat.”

I felt the water in my eyes at that, let my head swivel side to side to argue his claim. “No,” I said. “It’s not okay. This is why I don’t talk about it.”

“Maybe that’s why this is happening, then. Maybe you get like this because you refuse to talk about it.”

I pulled away from him, angry at his accusation and the way he sounded like he knew me better than he did.

“Unless the two ten-year-olds in the frame above the guest bath are just random people,” he shrugged. “That’s Cameron, right?”

I was caught--unsure where to go and stuck on a boat with him. I didn’t look at him, kept my eyes on the floor and nodded slowly.

He repeated his original question. “When did he die?”

“The summer before senior year of high school. He drowned.”

A breath of air escaped from his lips, like he’d expected a different answer. Cancer, maybe. A terminal illness or something less violent and avoidable.

“Were you--with him when it happened?”

I wiped at my eyes, wishing the tears would stop and the memories would, too. “In the boat--we were drunk.”

He nodded, his focus solely on me when he leaned forward. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“You weren’t there,” I said quickly, defensively. “You have no clue what happened.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t. But I know it’s not your fault.”

I cried harder at that, vision blurred when I nodded. “It was, Harry--I didn’t realize how long he’d been underwater. I was too drunk.”

“It’s called an accident for a reason.”

“You’re not supposed to know any of this,” I reminded, eyeing him skeptically when I pulled the towel up to cover myself more. “Niall doesn’t know. Miles doesn’t know. No one knows.”

“Does Jules?”

I nodded. “Cause I’m a fucking moron and got too drunk one night.”

He laughed a little. “Why’ve you been hiding it?”

“Cause college was the first time I was just me. Not Catherine and Cameron, not one of two. I was just me for the first time and it was okay--it wasn’t sad or tragic that I was just me. I wanted it to be normal.”

He nodded in understanding, offered to drive us back to the dock if I showed him how. My parents were upstairs for the night, enough space for us to sit at the counter and heat up leftovers that Marta had made while we were out. He listened when I talked about the nightmares and the flashbacks, followed me up the stairs and nodded solemnly when I made him promise to not tell the others.

He echoed his sentiment on the boat: it’s not your fault. He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear before he leaned in and kissed me outside my bedroom door, softer than before, and most importantly, sober.

He followed me over to the bed, his touch gentle and warm when we slipped under the sheets. It was easy--slow and careful, not like the time before. He made me feel grounded, actually in the moment for the first time in a long time. He didn’t know it, but he made me feel seen.

Something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

It felt different to wake up beside him, knowing he knew and knowing he still thought I was a decent human. I looked over to see him, eyelids fluttered against his cheek when I stirred.

A buzzing on the nightstand grabbed my attention, though, his phone vibrating with an incoming call when the morning sun crept in. A stomach dropping worse than ever, a shiver down my spine when I saw her name, a picture of the two of them side by side.

Incoming call: Lila DiPretto

table of contents | join the tag list + talk to me | the playlist

author’s note: wowowowowowoooooww! A doozy of a chapter I hope none of you hate me too much for all of the emotion in this one! Things are heating up and now Harry knows Cat’s secret.....shit can only get weirder from here!

taglist: @mellamolayla @meganlikesfandoms @afterstylesmadeit @sing-me-a-song-harry @harryinsweatersandbandanas @stylesfics-xx @shawnsblue @avipshamitra @a-secretyoucankeep @groovybaybee @nearbyou @blueviiolence @kiwicherryharry @thurhomish @bopbopstyles @live-at-the-forum @ajayque @mleestiles @ashbabao @anssu-amry @odetostep @bemib @caritocp @ursogoldenshan @rainbowbutterflyboy @bubblegumstyles7 @1142590m @winter-soldier-007 @beingsolonely @sloanferg @ivanacats @mumplans @wastedsweetcreature @harryssugarhigh @wanderlustiing @sunflowers-styles @g0bl1nqueen @stepping-into-the-light @kara-246 @stilljosiegrossie @harrys-cherrry

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patagucci34 · 4 years

Text

Partners for Life~ Tyson Jost

Warnings: swearing, some playful touching....

Word Count: 11k

All you wanted to do was change into comfy sweats, pour a heavy glass of wine, and forget about the awful week you had at work. But of course, there had to be something else to make this day even worse. When you were about 5 minutes away from your apartment it started down pouring. You cursed to yourself and picked up the pace.

Once you were in the comfort of your building, you let out a sigh of relief and made the trek up to your apartment. When you stepped out of the elevator you were met with a smiling face, one that normally would melt all of your worries away, but today, it only helped a little. You forced a smile back when his smile turned into a concerned frown.

"What happened to you?" He asked, stopping in front of you.

"I got caught in the rain on the way back from work."

He nodded and grabbed the bags out of your hands so you could unlock your door.

"Thanks, Tyson." You said with a small smile, hoping he would leave you be now. Normally you would welcome his company, but you really wanted that glass of wine and quiet night in by yourself. But it wasn't looking like that was the case when he strolled over to your fridge making himself at home. But that didn't stop you from wandering down the hall and taking a warm shower. Maybe then he would get the hint?

Nope. When you walked back out to the living room he was cozied up on the couch. A little bit of your annoyance dissipated when you saw the two wine glasses on the coffee table in front of him. So you grabbed one and plopped back into the couch.

"Rough week?" He asked, grabbing the other glass.

"You have no idea."

"I'm sorry, you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really.…" you sighed, "no game tonight?"

"Nah, we're leaving for a road trip tomorrow."

"Ohh nice, where to?"

"We're going to Florida."

"Ugh, I'm so jealous. I would love some nice weather right now."

Tyson chuckled, "yeah it might do you some good. You're looking a little pasty."

You rolled your eyes and pushed him playfully. "I meant mentally, but thank you for that."

"I know, I'm just messing…" he said patting your thigh "…are you sure you're okay?"

You sighed, "yeah, I just had an awful week at work, and my family has been harping on me a lot lately and I'm just over it all."

"I'm sorry, Y/n/N, what's going on at work?"

"My coworkers are just the worst. We had a huge project due this week and it seemed like I was the only one doing anything. And of course they got all of the credit. But it's fine, things should be better next week."

"What about your family?"

"Where do I even start…lately it's just been about me not having a boyfriend. I just don’t understand the fascination with my love life. My cousin is getting married soon and they really want me to bring someone…but like who cares? I'm 23, I don't see the urgency. But I also don't want to get shit for it the whole weekend. I don't know, whatever, it'll be fine, I'm just annoyed right now."

"When is the wedding?"

"A few weeks from now…why?"

"Is it the All Star break?"

"Ummmm…." you said while checking the dates "yes…why?!"

"I could be your date if you wanted…"

"No, Tyson, I can't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking, I'm offering."

"I don't know, Tys…"

"Come on, you'll have good company, you won't have to hear about how single you are…"

"Wait, you want to go as my boyfriend?"

"Well I don't think going as your friend would help…"

"You'd really do that?"

"Yes! I want to."

"Alright.…I don't know if it'll work, I'm not sure my family will even believe me."

"Oh, we can make it believable."

You eyed Tyson suspiciously but then gave in. "Okay…alright. I owe you big time."

"Let's just see how the weekend goes…" Tyson said with a smirk.

The rest of the night was spent watching New Girl. Tyson kept refilling your glass and you ended up pretty tipsy. Before Tyson left he helped you into bed and locked up your apartment on the way out.

~~~~~

The next morning, you woke up with a headache, cursing yourself for getting wine drunk. You loved being wine drunk in the moment but hated the hangover. You also cursed yourself at the thought of the little plan you and Tyson had come up with the night before. It's not that you weren't excited to spend an entire weekend with Tyson, it's just that you were pretty nervous about the whole thing. You had grown very close in your time as neighbors, but it was always just as friends. You'd be lying if you said you didn't have a crush on Tyson, but you always kept it to yourself because you didn't want to ruin their friendship, not to mention you didn't think you were his type. You were also nervous about your family buying their 'relationship'. Not only had you been telling your family that you were still single, but they would never believe that you were dating one of the Colorado Avalanche.

You tried to push it from your mind and focus on getting rid of the hangover. You made your way to the kitchen and guzzled down a glass of water accompanied by a few Tylenol and then rummaged through the fridge to make something to eat.

You posted up on the couch after you ate and watched movies all day. You were able to be a bit more productive on Sunday and cleaned your apartment and went grocery shopping for the week.

~~~~~

You didn't see Tyson until Wednesday night. He had texted you earlier in the day asking if you wanted to get take out. When you got home from work, Tyson was already in your apartment with the take out.

"I could kiss you right now, I'm starving." You said as you dropped your bags on the floor and sat down at the table."

Tyson smirked, "it might be good practice…"

"Oh my god, I actually kind of forgot about that…we should talk about our game plan."

"Yes, I like to excel so I need everything there is to know about your family so I'm fully prepared."

You rolled your eyes, "of course you do…well, I mean how long have we been dating for? I've been telling my family I'm single, but I'm sure I could come up with some excuse why I haven't told them."

"Yeah, it might be kind of weird to take your boyfriend of two weeks to a family wedding…"

"Okay, so how long do you think?"

"6 months?"

"Is that too long?"

Tyson shrugged, "I don't know, I think that's fine."

"Alright, and I think we should stick to saying we met through being neighbors."

"Good idea, less room for slip ups…what are you going to use as an excuse for not telling them?"

"I guess maybe that I wanted to feel things out and also because you're kinda famous?"

"Kinda?! I'm hurt."

You giggled at Tyson's dramatics. "Okay, sorry, you're famous. Fully famous."

"Much better…so let's start with the family lessons. I know you have 3 brothers, Charlie, Ben, and Jack. Your parents are Kate and Steve… but I think that's all I got."

"I'm impressed! Yes, Ben is the oldest, he's a lawyer, he's married to Hailey who is a nurse. Charlie is next, he's a teacher, he's engaged to Casey, who is also a teacher. Then there is Jack, he's in his second year of med school and his girlfriend is Carly, she's a physical therapist. Then my parents, Kate and Steve. My dad is a lawyer, Ben works at his firm. And my mom is a nurse. Do you want me to write this stuff down?"

"No way, I'll get it. Just keep going."

"Alright...the cousin that is getting married is on my dad's side. His name is Tom, his fiancé's name is Lauren. Tom does something with finance, I'm not exactly sure what, and Lauren is a social worker. Tom has one sister, Maddie, she's an aspiring actress…" Tyson stifled a laugh at your face when you said her occupation. "My grandparents are Dave and Shelly, they're both retired, but my grandfather was a lawyer, it’s his firm that my dad and Ben work for. And I think I can just introduce you to everyone else as we go…"

"Alright, got it."

"Do you?" You questioned, not believing him.

"Okay, fine, not yet. But I will."

~~~~~

The next few weeks went by faster than you had wanted. As the wedding grew nearer you became more and more nervous. You had let everyone know that you would be bringing your boyfriend, and of course, the questions rolled in. You told them what you had practiced with Tyson, you weren't sure where things were going to go and didn't want to get their hopes up, and because he's a professional athlete you wanted to make sure everything was sound in their relationship before you went public. Although your mom was upset that you didn’t confide in her earlier, they were happy that you had found a boyfriend. It definitely made you feel guilty for lying, but you were able to get over it.

A few days before you were leaving, you went to Tyson's game. You weren't able to go all of the time, but you had a blast when you did. You had become friends with a few of the WAGs and of course a bunch of the guys.

They were all going out after the game to celebrate the beginning of the All Star break and Tyson had invited you to go so you went down to the locker rooms after the game to wait for him.

"Y/N!" You turned at the familiar voice and smiled and gave Andre a hug.

"Hey, Burky, good game!"

"Thanks, are you coming out with us?"

"I am!!"

"Good, Tys is more fun when you're around." He said, winking. You laughed a bit before a few of the others guys joined and talked about the plans for this evening.

A few minutes later, Tyson came up behind you and wrapped his arm around you.

"Hey, Tys!" You greeted him happily.

"Hey, babe." You rolled your eyes at his choice of words. "What?! I'm just trying to get into character." He defended, which made the guys laugh. They all knew about the arrangement and most of them were hoping this weekend would be the push you needed to actually date.

"You ready?" Tyson asked. You nodded and bid farewells until later.

Tyson drove you back to you building and you split ways to get ready.

"How long do you need?" He asked.

"I'll be ready in like 20??"

"Alright, I'll come over in a half hour." He said chuckling at himself, which caused you to roll your eyes but nod your head and go inside.

An hour later you were making your way through the crowd at the club to find everyone else. Tyson had gone to get them drinks while you sat down next to EJ and Landy. Landy was grilling you about the weekend, him being the number one supporter of you guys actually dating. Luckily he let up a bit on you when Tyson came back and started in on him.

You kept downing drinks as the night went on and ended up being very drunk. Tyson had to help you through the club and he pretty much carried you to your apartment. He was nervous to leave you alone, so he ran over to his apartment to change and came back to stay with you for the night.

~~~~~

The next morning, you groaned as you peeled your eyes open. You were slightly confused about the arm draped over you because you didn't remember talking to any guys at the club. You relaxed when you looked over and saw that it was Tyson.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty." He said with a smirk.

"Morning….what are you doing here?"

"You were pretty loaded…I was nervous you might throw up in your sleep so I stayed with you."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to get so drunk…"

"I know, it's all good. You just will really be kicking yourself in the car today!"

"Ugh, don't remind me." You said and rolled back over.

"10 more minutes! Then you need to get up and get ready." Tyson reminded.

"Okay, mom." You muffled into the pillow as you fell back asleep.

An hour later you had the car packed up and were on the way. Thankfully, Tyson offered to drive, knowing your current state and just the fact you didn't love driving anyway. You played the music, luckily you had similar taste, so you jammed out for most of the 4 hour drive. You also quizzed him on your family, and just as he claimed, he remembered it all.

Tyson noticed that you had grown quiet in the last half hour. He reached over and grabbed your hand.

"Hey," he started softly, "it's going to be fine."

"I know, I'm just nervous. Even though they're happy I have a boyfriend, they can be so critical and rude. I'm going to apologize in advance for anything that they say."

"I think I can handle them…I'm used to criticism."

"I know…I just, even though we aren't actually dating, you are one of my best friends and I don't want them to scare you off."

"Don't worry about that…I'm not going anywhere." He said and gave your hand a gentle squeeze before pulling it away. You smiled at him and started to realize that this might not have been the best idea for your sake. You had been able to keep your feelings at bay, but this weekend might change that. You push those thoughts out of your mind as Tyson pulls the car into your driveway. You panicked a bit when you saw all of the cars in the driveway. It had been your understanding that Jack was going to be the only of your brothers home tonight and everyone else would be over tomorrow. Tyson noticed your panic and grabbed your hand again.

"What's wrong?"

"My mom told me Jack and Carly were going to be here tonight, not everyone else…"

"Well that's okay, we'll get it over with."

"I know, I just wasn't prepared for this. I'm sorry, I'll stop freaking out."

Tyson chuckled, "don't apologize. But don't worry either, okay? We got this." He reassured you and kissed your forehead. You blushed at the act, you guys had cuddled before and obviously shared the same bed, but this felt different, and it just made you even more nervous.

You both got out and grabbed your bags before approaching the door. You didn't even have time to put your bag down when it burst open.

"Y/N!!! I've missed you so much!" Your mom exclaimed while giving you a tight hug.

"Hi, mom, I missed you too." Once she let go, she turned to Tyson and you introduced the two. "Mom, this is Tyson, Tys, this is mom, Kate."

"Oh, it's so nice to meet you!!!" Your mom exclaimed again, pulling Tyson in for a hug.

"It's nice to meet you too, Mrs. Y/L/N. I've heard so much about you."

"Oh, please, call me Kate." She said as she let go. "Well, come in! Everyone's dying to meet you!"

You glanced at Tyson and he winked in return. You followed your mom inside and you put your bags down and went into the living room where everyone was sitting. Tyson put his arm on the small of your back and you leaned into him as you walked into the room.

Your brothers all shot up and surrounded you in a hug, separating you and Tyson. You rolled your eyes but laughed and welcomed their embrace. Once they finally let you go, your dad stepped up and gave you a hug and kissed your cheek. "Hey, baby girl. It's nice to see you."

"It's good to see you too, dad, I've missed you." He gave you one more quick squeeze and let you go so you could introduce Tyson to everyone.

"Well, everyone, this is Tyson…" At this point your brother's partners had joined them. "…Tyson, this is my dad, Steve, Ben and Hailey, Charlie and Casey, and Jack and Carly."

Tyson shook all of their hands as you went down the line.

"It's nice to meet you all." Tyson said with a smile.

"It's nice to meet you too, we're glad she's finally bringing someone home to us!" Your dad joked, causing you to roll your eyes.

"Okay, well, we're gonna bring our stuff upstairs. See you in a few." You said grabbing Tyson's hand and dragging him back into the hallway.

"No funny business!" Your brother Charlie called, laughing at himself. You heard Casey scold him and smiled to yourself.

You led Tyson to your old room, telling him you'll give him a tour once you put your bags down.

"That wasn't so bad…" He said as you plopped down on the bed.

"Yet…it's been 5 minutes."

Tyson chuckled and cupped your face with hands, "hey, what did I tell you? Stop worrying."

"I know, I know. I just can't help it."

"Come on, let's go. I'm ready for the grand tour." He said taking your hands and pulling you up. You sighed, but obliged and led him out of the room.

"….and this is the kitchen!" You said as you finished the tour. Your mom smiled at the two of you as you entered the room.

"Your home is very beautiful, Kate." Tyson said to your mom.

"Oh, you're too sweet…do you mind helping me finish up dinner, Y/n/N?"

"Sure. Tys do you want to help?" You asked, not really wanting to throw him to the wolves with your brothers in the next room.

"Yeah, I'll help. What do you need us to do?" He asked sweetly.

"Can you two finish putting the salad together? All of the stuff is on the counter over there."

You nodded and went to the sink to wash your hands and then you and Tyson started cutting up vegetables. You actually were having a lot of fun, Tyson was trying out some of his new jokes on your mom, which she loved. The whole scene felt very domestic, and of course you couldn't help but think about your feelings for him. You were brought back to reality when Tyson gave you a questioning look and mouthed "are you okay?" You forced a smile back and nodded and went back to cutting vegetables.

Once the three of you finished up, your mom called everyone into the dining room for dinner. Everyone took their seats and dug right in.

"This is delicious, mom." Jack complimented with his mouth full. Everyone chuckled and agreed, your mom blushing from the compliments.

"Well, I had good helpers." She said acknowledging you and Tyson. You both smiled and went back to eating.

You were starting to get nervous because your brothers hadn't really said much to Tyson. They had always been very overprotective and tried to scare off the guys you brought around and even though Tyson wasn't actually your boyfriend you were really nervous for what they might say. You knew better than to think that maybe they grew out of that stage, so it just made you more and more anxious for when it was going to come.

You caught Jack's gaze and he gave you a devilish grin. You gave him a warning look but he just shook his head. This was it. It was coming and there was nothing you could do to stop it. You looked at Tyson and he gave you a small smile and squeezed your thigh under the table.

"So, Tyson…" Charlie started "…hockey, huh?"

You shot a glare at your brother but he just smiled sweetly.

"Uh, yeah, I've played ever since I was young."

"How reliable is it to play professionally?" Ben asked this time.

"Ben…" Your mom scolded.

"It's okay, that's a fair question." Tyson defended. "I would say it's pretty secure, as long as I'm playing well and staying healthy."

"What happens if you get injured?" Jack asked.

"Well, if it's minor I'll get treatment until it's healed and then start playing again."

"And if it's not?"

"Well, I guess, I'd be done playing hockey."

"Okay, that's enough." You said glaring at all of your brothers.

"We just want to make sure you're in good hands, Y/n/N." Jack said sweetly.

"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself with my own salary, so Tyson's job security shouldn't be of concern." That shut them up for a little, but you knew they weren't done. Not with this dinner and certainly not for the rest of the weekend. Tyson squeezed your thigh again, that definitely being his way of telling you not to get too worked up.

Thankfully, your mom changed the subject to talk about plans for the weekend, but that didn't hold for very long.

"So, Tyson…" Jack started this time "…it must be pretty demanding being a professional athlete, do you even see Y/N that much?" You shot him another glare but he just kept smiling.

"Yeah, it can be, we live across the hall from each other so I pretty much see her whenever I'm home."

"Why does it matter to you how often we see each other?" You asked.

"We're just looking out for you, Y/n/N." Charlie defended.

"Well stop, you're just being rude."

"Alright, let's not fight at the table…" Your mom stated, trying to keep the peace. "Hailey, how are things at the hospital?"

You were thankful she changed the subject again, but you still weren't convinced it would put a total end to the grilling.

And you were right, a few minutes later, Jack spoke up again.

"Tyson, you must have a lot of girls after you, being a professional athlete and all."

You didn't even give Tyson the chance to defend himself before you lost it.

"Are you kidding me right now, Jack?! I cannot believe you would even ask that! Can you not be a dick for like one fucking weekend?!" And you stormed off up the stairs.

Tyson excused himself and followed after you. You sat on the bed, too mad to even cry, which you were thankful for. It was embarrassing enough that Tyson just had to sit through and witness what just happened.

"I'm so sorry, Tys." You apologized as he sat down next to you.

"No need to apologize, Y/n/N. It's not your fault your brother is a dick." You cracked a smile at his comment.

"I just didn't think he'd be like that. They've always been super overprotective, but that was just too much."

"It's really okay. Honestly, I can't say that I wouldn't have asked something similar to my sister's boyfriend. I get it. You're their baby sister, they just want what's best for you. I can take their crap, alright?"

"You're too good." You said with a huff, which made Tyson chuckle.

"Only for you, babe." He said and kissed your forehead. You both settled back on the bed and he tucked you into his side.

A little while later there was a knock on your door. You sat up a little bit and told them to come in. It was your mom.

"Hi, sweetie. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, I just wish Jack wasn't such an asshole."

"I know, I'm sorry, and I'm sorry Tyson that he was acting that way."

"It's okay, I understand, I have a younger sister."

"Well, I think he feels bad he upset you like that…"

"Good." You stated, causing your mom and Tyson to chuckle.

"Alright, well I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Goodnight, you two."

"Goodnight, mom."

"Goodnight, Kate."

"I, um, don't usually freak out like that so, I'm sure it really made them feel bad…" You stated.

"Yeah, now I know to never piss you off."

You laughed at Tyson and cuddled back into his side. "That kind of freak out is reserved for my brothers. You probably won't ever be on the receiving end."

"Good to know." He said chuckling back. "You wanna watch New Girl?"

"Sure, I'm gonna go get changed first."

The rest of the night was spent watching Netflix, cuddled up in your bed. No apology from Jack but you didn't really expect one. He'll probably half ass one in the morning, and you'll forgive him, you always do.

~~~~~~

You were right. When you went downstairs for breakfast, it was just Jack in the kitchen. He looked over at you and held his arms out, signifying a hug. You looked at him and raised your eyebrows, awaiting those magic words.

"Come on, are you really going to make me say it?"

"Yes! You were so awful last night. You really owe an apology to Tyson…"

"Fine, I'm sorry, Y/n/N. I took it too far."

"Yes, you did. But I forgive you…as long as you cool it for the rest of the weekend!"

"I will, I promise."

"Thank you." You beamed and gave him a hug.

"Aww, how sweet!" Charlie cooed as he interrupted you and Jack.

"Hey, I think you and Ben also owe her an apology."

"No way, we didn't take it as far as you did." Charlie defended just as Ben walked in.

"Yeah, I agree, we were pretty mild." Ben agreed.

"Would it really be that bad to apologize to me?" You asked, fully knowing the answer.

"Yes." Ben and Charlie answered at the same time.

You rolled your eyes but went about your business.

"Where is lover boy anyway?" Charlie asked.

You shrugged, "still sleeping."

"Not out for an early morning run?" Jack teased, you rolled your eyes again.

"Stop!! You said you'd cool it!"

"Relax, I'm just teasing."

You rolled your eyes as you sat down at the table and your brothers joined around you.

"But seriously, Y/n/N. Are you happy?"

"Yes, Ben, I'm very happy. He's really good to me."

"Okay good, then we're happy. But as soon as he does something to hurt you…he's done for."

"I know, I know. Although…he is a professional athlete, are you sure you could take him?" You teased.

"Please, it's no contest." Charlie defended which made you laugh.

Just as he was about to throw a grape at you, Tyson walked in the kitchen.

"Good morning, Tys!" You called from the table. He came over and sat next to you and greeted your brothers. "Are you hungry? I can make you some eggs, or we have cereal, I could make pancakes?"

"How come you didn't offer to make any of us that stuff??" Jack whined. You just rolled your eyes and looked back at Tyson.

"I'll have some eggs, but I can help you." He said and the two of you got up and started cooking.

Everyone else ended up joining you in the kitchen so you ended up making breakfast for everyone else too, but you didn't mind. It was fun to hang out with everybody and you were glad that your brothers were done with third degree.

After breakfast you and Tyson went back upstairs to showered for the day. You wanted to show him around your hometown and have a chill day because the next two days were going to be filled with wedding stuff.

When you walked back into your room after your shower, Tyson was lying on the bed looking at his phone. You were just in a towel and while you and Tyson were pretty comfortable with each other, you expected him to go take his shower so you could change. He looked up at you and smirked when he saw your attire.

"You gonna give me a show?"

"Tyson!" You cried. "We're at my parents…and it's 10 in the morning."

"So you're saying you would though?"

"Seriously, that's what you took from that?"

Tyson smirked at you and moved to get off the bed. You watched him as he rummaged through his things and then started to move past you to go to the bathroom. Just as you thought you were safe, he slapped your ass and hurried out of the room. You gasped, though it wasn't very hard, you were not expecting that. You wanted to mad but you couldn't help but smile. If he wanted to play it like that this weekend, you were gonna give it right back.

You decided to only get half-dressed to start…you put on a sexy bra and super cheeky underwear. Once satisfied with your look, you laid down on the bed and waited for Tyson to come back. You didn’t have to wait long, a few minutes later you heard him opening the door.

"Hey, do you know if there is anymore-- whoa." You smirked at the thought of Tyson's face, you couldn't see because you were lying on your stomach so your ass was showing. What you didn't bargain for was for him to be so composed and not let it get to him. So just as you were about to turn around to see what he was doing, you felt a much harder slap to your ass.

"Ow, Tyson! What the hell!"

"Hey, you put your ass out here like that…I can't help it." He smirked and plopped down next to you.

"You're the worst." You grinned as you got up to finish getting dressed.

"You ready?" You asked a little while later after both of you had gotten dressed.

"Yes ma'am, let's get to it. Lots of history to see."

"History? I would hardly call this town historical."

"Yeah, your history." He said with a sweet smile. Your heart melted and you were really starting to wonder if you would make it through this weekend.

You started off by showing him the spot where everyone went to party, you didn't stay long because it was pretty cold, but he thought it was funny that a random spot in the woods was where you used to get drunk. "Hey, you do what you gotta do in a small town." You defended before moving on. You then took him by the high school, you couldn't really spend much time there either because kids were in school. Next you brought him 'downtown'. You walked around going into different little shops and boutiques. Then you brought him to your favorite place to eat for lunch.

The two of you talked a lot about high school and how different it was for both of you. You had never really talked much about your past during your friendship so it was nice to get to know each other a little better.

"So, tell me all about high school Y/N." He said once the two of you had ordered your food.

You sighed, "what do you want to know?"

"I don't know…were you popular? A jock? A nerd?"

"I mean…I guess I was popular…I played sports, I wouldn't identify as a nerd but I did do well in school…"

"Wait you played sports?"

"Yeah, soccer, hockey, and lacrosse."

"I'm sorry, what? You played hockey?? How come you never told me?"

"I don't know…I guess it never came up."

"We talk about hockey all the time…"

"Yeah, you playing hockey…professional hockey…not high school girls hockey. Besides, I really wasn't very good soo..."

"So what?! I can't believe you didn't tell me…I'm taking you skating as soon as we get back to Denver so you can show me your moves."

You shook your head, "nope. No way."

"Why not?!"

"Because I'm really not very good, and that's why I've never mentioned it because I knew that you would make me go skating with you."

"Oh come on, I seriously doubt you're that bad."

"Compared to you, yeah, I am."

Tyson rolled his eyes. "You are so ridiculous…so what else did you do in high school?"

"Well, I was in chorus…and don't ask me to sing for you because I will not be doing that."

"Come on, you're no fun." Tyson whined.

You laughed at him and shook your head, "yeah I guess I left all of it here."

"Anything else that I don't know about you that you want to share with me?? Crazy ex boyfriends?? Girlfriends??"

"I guess I should probably tell you…I do have an ex who will be going to the wedding…we dated for a few years but he was kinda shitty.."

"Shitty?"

You sighed, not really wanting to get into it but you knew that you should give him an explanation because you really didn't know what would happen this weekend. "It was a pretty unhealthy relationship…of course I didn't really know that at the time. It wasn't until I went off to college that I started realizing that something was wrong. I tried to end things while I was away but he wouldn't really let it happen so I tried again when I went back home for break and he, like, freaked out…and um, hit me, so I called my friend to come get me… I was able to get out of the relationship with some help but nothing ever really happened to him because I guess he was having drinking issues…"

"Wait, he hit you…and your family is still bringing him around?"

"Yeah...my uncle is really good friends with his dad so…"

"I'm so sorry, Y/n/N…are you gonna be okay this weekend?"

"It's okay.…it's been a few years now. I haven't really seen him much, I usually avoid the gatherings he goes to. I'm not really sure what will happen this weekend…"

"Well I won't leave your side the whole time. I'll protect you."

"Thanks, Tys. I'm actually so thankful you came with me this weekend."

"Of course. You do so much for me all the time…it's the least I could do."

Even though he meant that in the best way possible, and despite all of the flirty comments and advances, it just reinforced that he really was just here as your friend.

You spent the rest of lunch talking about random stuff. Tyson took his phone out and started taking a picture of you.

"Stop! What are you doing?" You said covering your face.

"Put your hands down!! This is great lighting. Smile, look cute."

You relented and let him take your picture. "You better not put that anywhere."

Tyson smirked, "too late."

"Tyson! I’m gonna kill you." You checked your phone and sure enough he tagged you in his Instagram story.

"It's fine, you look really pretty!"

"Okay, but you have so many followers! They're going to think we're dating."

"We are...aren't we?"

You rolled your eyes and focused back on your food.

"I can take it down if you really want me to, but that might look extra sus."

"No, it's fine. I just will kill you if you do it again."

There wasn't really much else to show him so after you finished you headed back to your parent's house.

Your parents were the only ones home so you greeted them and headed up to your room. Tyson went to the bathroom so you took the opportunity to change into some comfy clothes and put on Netflix. You didn't acknowledge him when he walked back into your room but he had the same idea you did, he stripped down and put on some sweats before lying next to you in bed. Normally you would snuggle up next to him but you decided you needed to start distancing yourself a bit otherwise you were going to end up getting hurt.

You ended up falling asleep and woke up an hour later and woke up with your head on Tyson's shoulder. Figures, you knew that would happen. You turned your head and noticed that he was asleep too and he had wrapped his arm around your waist. You sighed as you grabbed your phone from your nightstand and settled back into bed, not wanting to wake him up.

You opened Instagram and were met with hundreds of notifications. Luckily, you were private, but you had a ton of follower requests. Thanks, Tyson. You scrolled through them, most of them being random girls, a few cute guys that you took the chance and let them follow you. There were a few people with the little blue check mark, mostly other guys in the NHL, but one in particular caught your eye. Mat Barzal. You knew that Tyson was friends with him, and you'd be lying if you denied thinking he was attractive. You had always had a little crush on him, so you accepted his request and kept scrolling through. A few minutes later, you received a DM from Mat. Your heart started racing as you went to open it.

Tyson didn't tell me his neighbor friend was so cute ;)

Okay, now you were freaking out, you did not expect that. Obviously Tyson had told him that he was going to a wedding with you. But it was also more proof that Tyson thought of you as just a friend. I mean, he would have told Mat that he liked you, right? You were interrupted from your thoughts by Tyson shifting next to you.

"Who's that?" He asked groggily.

"Um, no one." You said quickly exiting out of Instagram.

"Obviously not." He said grabbing your phone from your hand and getting out of bed.

"Tyson! Give me my phone back."

"I just want to see who's DMing you." You tried grabbing it from his hands but he held you back with one arm. "Mat?" He asked, growing serious.

"You're the one who posted the story…I'm getting lots of requests from guys in the NHL."

"But Mat?"

"You're acting as if I have any control over this."

"You know he's my friend right?"

"Tyson, he messaged me, I don't know what you want me to do."

"Are you gonna respond?"

"I don't know, I don't really know what to say back to that."

"Do you want to?"

"Well I don't want to be rude, but if it's going to bother you I guess I won't."

"No, I'm sorry, you can respond. I guess it just caught me off guard." He said giving you your phone and leaving the room.

You huffed and sat down on the bed. You were so confused. Why would Tyson react like that if he just liked you as a friend? This weekend was really messing with your head and you were kind of regretting bringing him with you. You had already accepted that you should get over your feelings for him, but now you were worried that it was going to mess with your friendship.

You contemplated what to say back to Mat. You didn't want to upset Tyson but you also didn't want to leave him on read, it might be kind of awkward if you guys ever met in person.

Tyson came back a few minutes later and seemed to be in a little bit of a better mood.

"Did you respond?" He asked, sitting down next to you.

"Not yet, I don't know what to say…any ideas?"

"You wanna mess with him a bit?" He asked with a smirk.

"I don't know, Tys, I don't know him."

"But I do…he'll think it's funny."

You sighed and handed him your phone, "fine."

Tyson took it happily and started typing away.

"What are you saying?" You asked, trying to look over his shoulder. He moved the phone so you could see it.

You know Tyson?

You looked at Tyson quizzically, "where are you going with this?"

"I'm gonna make it seem like you don't know who he is."

"Tys, that's just mean."

"Relax, it'll be fine."

You only had to wait a few minutes before he replied again.

Wait, Tys hasn't mentioned me?

Tyson started laughing when he read it and you just rolled your eyes, wishing you had never agreed to this.

No…sorry :( Tyson cackled as he sent back,

"It’s not as funny as you think it is, you know."

"Oh, it's hilarious."

Damn, well then I guess I'm gonna have to get you to fall for me all by myself

You laughed as you watched Tyson react to the response.

"Guess that didn't work as well as you thought it would." You teased, grabbing your phone.

"Wait, let me say one more thing!!"

"No, you've done enough. I'm telling him it was a joke."

"You are absolutely no fun." Tyson whined.

You shrugged, "sorry!"

Hey, I’m so sorry, Tyson saw that you DM'd me and thought that it would be funny to mess with you…

I know who you are haha

Of course he did…what a relief though, you are very pretty I would love to meet you sometime :)

I'm sure we could make that happen…as long as Tyson doesn't get in the way.

"What are you saying?" Tyson asked when he saw you grinning at your phone like a teenager.

"Why must you know everything?"

"Because you're both my friends…"

"Fine." You said and showed him what you said. "Looks like you have to introduce us."

Tyson rolled his eyes, "we'll see."

You chose to just ignore him because you didn't want to argue anymore.

"We should probably go socialize…" You said sighing and getting up.

Tyson let out a sigh too and rummaged through his things to find a shirt to put on. Once he put one on the two of you headed downstairs.

Your mom, Casey, and Carly were in the kitchen getting started on dinner. You asked if they needed help but they said no so you went into the living room where your dad, Jack, and Charlie were all watching TV. You took the open loveseat and Tyson put his arm around you and you cuddled into his side. Although things were a little weird between the two of you, you had to keep appearances up. There wasn't much talking going on, although you were glad that your brothers were being pleasant with Tyson.

Tyson was focused on the TV while you were scrolling through Twitter. You hadn't even noticed that Tyson was now looking at your phone with you until he squeezed your shoulder and laughed at the tweet you just liked. You relaxed a little bit more in his arms, glad that things were becoming more comfortable again.

Dinner was much better than it was the night before. Everyone was laughing and making jokes, no one was grilling Tyson…

You helped your mom clean up while everyone else went into the living room to set up for a game of charades.

"So, how are you?" Your mom asked.

"Um, I'm good…why?"

"What? I can't ask how you are?"

"Well, you can, it just seemed a little out of the blue."

"I haven't really had any time alone with you…"

"I know, I'm sorry. I just worry about leaving Tyson alone with them…"

"How come you never told me about him?"

"I told you mom, I didn't know if things were serious or not, and we wanted to keep it kind of private, hockey fans can be crazy."

"I know, but I'm your mother. I want you to feel like you can tell me things like that."

"I do mom, I really do. I'm sorry, I should have told you earlier."

"Things are good with you two?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Things seemed a little tense tonight…"

"We just had a little disagreement earlier, but it's all good."

"Okay...he seems like a really great guy, Y/n/N, and the way he looks at you…it reminds me of how my father looked at my mother…he's really in love with you sweetie. I hope this works out for you two."

You smiled sweetly at your mom and gave her a hug, even though that was the last thing you wanted to hear right now. At this point, you had stopped getting your hopes at little signs because they never ended up meaning anything.

Once you were finished cleaning up, you and your mom joined everyone else in the living room. You sat down next to Tyson and he put his arm around and kissed the side of your head. You were not looking forward to this game, your family was very competitive, and although you knew Tyson was too, it could get out of hand pretty quickly.

You were split into two teams, thankfully you were with Tyson, Charlie, Casey, and your dad. Jack and Ben are the worst to have on your team because they are the most competitive and they get super pissed when you're not performing well. Your dad and Charlie were also really good at charades so you'd probably win.

It actually ended up being a lot of fun. Thankfully, Jack and Ben didn't get too worked up and of course everyone was drinking so everyone was laughing and having a good time. Your parents called it quits when Ben and Hailey left to go back to their house. The rest of you stayed up and talked for a while before everyone slowly tucked in for the night.

When you and Tyson finally laid down you were exhausted.

"Well tonight went much better than last…" Tyson said, pulling you closer to him.

"Yes...thankfully. I was a little nervous, Jack and Ben can be a little crazy when it comes to games."

Tyson chuckled, "you're one to talk…"

You scoffed, "hey! I am not that competitive."

"Um, I have a monopoly board that would say differently."

"Oh my god, okay, I was really drunk…I don't usually get like that."

"Whatever you say…"

You shook your head and reached over to turn the lamp off.

"Do we have to be up early tomorrow?" Tyson asked.

"No, I don't think so. I think we have to be at the church by 3."

"Perfect, I want to sleep in, I'm exhausted."

"I know, me too."

"Are you gonna sleep in?" He asked, wrapping his arm around your waist.

"I'm gonna try…why?"

"It was hard to keep sleeping once you got up…"

"You want me to stay in bed until you get up?"

"Pretty please?" He asked, sticking his lip out.

You shook your head and chuckled, "yes, I can do that, but not if it's super late!!"

"Okay, deal. Night, Y/n/N."

"Goodnight, Tys."

The next morning you were kicking yourself for the deal you made. You were so tangled up in Tyson it was going to be impossible to even move. You tried to carefully grab your phone so you could see what time it was. 9 am. You relaxed and began checking all of your social media. You were careful to avoid your DMs, you didn't want him to wake up and see anything that would upset him. Although you still wanted to know why he actually cared so much about Mat messaging you.

A little while the arm around your waist tightened and Tyson's head poked up.

"So much better when you're in bed with me." He said groggily. "…just wish we were naked."

"Tyson!" You said shooting up to a sitting position. You looked over at his smug little face. "You are such an asshole."

"You love me." He shrugged, putting an arm around you.

You rolled your eyes, "you disgust me."

You laid there quietly for a few minutes before Tyson spoke up again, "you ready for today?"

"Pretty sure that should be a question for the bride…"

“`Yes but the whole reason I’m here this weekend is to help you get through it.” “Okay, yeah...I’m sure it’ll be fine. Seeing you with me should shut everyone up.”

A smug grin appeared on Tyson’s face, “I can’t argue with you there…”

You shook your head and laughed before growing serious again. “I just am a little nervous about seeing Jake...I don’t know if he’s still drinking and I’m worried he’s going to cause a scene.”

“Well if he does than fuck that. It won’t be your fault either so don’t feel bad if he does.” “I know, it’s just, everyone has always pitied him and let things slide because he’s an alcoholic. I just don’t think my family will see it as his fault...they’ll blame it on me for bringing some new guy around even though that’s all they talk about. I just can’t win with them.”

“Okay, well let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here. Hopefully everything will be fine and we won’t have to worry about it. If it does, we’ll deal with it then, okay? Just try and relax and have fun. Weddings are supposed to be fun.”

“I know...thanks, Tys. I know I keep saying this but I really do appreciate you being here with me.”

“And I will keep telling you that it’s no big deal, sweets.” You smiled as he kissed your forehead. You were quiet for a few moments before he spoke up again. “So...have you heard from Mat at all?”

“Not since last night…” You said softly while Tyson just nodded. “Why?” Tyson shrugged, “just wondering.” You gave him a pointed look. “What? I am!”

“How come you seemed so upset about it last night?” “I didn’t mean to seem upset, I just, I don’t know, it caught me off guard. But I know you think he’s attractive so go for it I guess.” He said enthusiastically.

“Okay, well I don’t care what you say, it clearly bothers you in some way, so I’m not going to talk to him.”

Tyson rolled his eyes but didn’t argue so you figured that meant there was some truth in your statement.

You laid in bed for about another hour talking about random stuff before you got up to shower and start getting ready.

“Alright,” you started as you untangle yourself from Tyson, “I’m gonna get in the shower.” “Wanna save some water and shower together?” He asked with a cheeky grin, grabbing your wrist to keep you in place.

“Absolutely not.” You said as you shrugged his hand off of yours and walked out of the room.

Tyson looked up when you walked back into your room. He opened his mouth but you cut him off before he could even say anything.

“Whatever you’re about to say, the answer is no. Go get in the shower.”

Tyson pouted, but did as he was told, not before grabbing your ass on the way out with a little giggle. You rolled your eyes and went about getting ready.

You couldn’t help but glance over at Tyson as he strolled back through the door a few minutes later. The towel he had wrapped around his waist was starting to fall off of his hips and you had a clear picture of his V line. You hadn’t really noticed that you were staring until you heard Tyson start talking to you.

“Like what you see?”

You blushed and rolled your eyes turning back towards the mirror to finish your makeup.

Once you were finally done with your makeup, Tyson had stepped out of the room so you took the opportunity to put your dress on. You slipped it on and tried your best to zip it up but you couldn’t quite reach. When you heard the door open again you turned to ask Tyson for help.

“Hey Tys can you help me-” You stopped when you saw him staring at you. “Is everything okay? Is there something wrong with my dress?” You asked, starting to panic a bit.

“No, no, not at all. I, um, you just look really beautiful.”

You visibly relaxed and smiled at him. “Thanks, Tys. Could you help me zip up though?” He nodded and stepped towards you and turned back around so he could help you. You could feel Tyson’s breath on the back of your neck. Once he zipped you up you turned around slowly, Tyson not moving a muscle. You looked up at him, his face just inches from yours. He cupped your chin in his hand and he brought your face to his and kissed you softly. You closed your eyes and welcomed his lips on yours.

Tyson pulled away after a few moments and turned away. “Shit, I’m sorry, I…” He trailed off and sat on the bed.

You grew sad at his reaction. Although he initiated the kiss it seems like he also regrets it.

“It’s okay...I, um, I’m gonna go downstairs.” You said and quickly left the room. You ducked into the bathroom and leaned against the counter willing yourself not to cry so you wouldn’t ruin your makeup. You took a few deep breaths to compose yourself and you made your way to the door. Just as you were about to turn the knob there was a knock.

“Y/n/N? Can I come in?” It was Tyson. The tears that you just suppressed were quickly coming back. You opened the door and retreated back to the counter.

“Jesus, are you crying?” You covered your face with your hands because the tears were now rolling. “Please don’t cry Y/N. I didn’t mean to upset you, jesus…” he trailed off as he placed his hands on your shoulders. “Please stop crying...I don’t know why I did that…” “It’s fine, Tys, you got caught up in the moment, it’s fine.” “What? No, not the kiss...the kiss was amazing...I totally meant to do that. I don’t know why I pulled away like that. I guess I just thought maybe that’s not what you wanted and I thought I messed everything up. I guess I did that anyway…” You didn’t say anything and you didn’t move for a few moments. “Will you look at me please?” He asked, softly guiding your chin up to look at him. “I’m sorry, Y/n/N. Please don’t be upset.” “You’re wrong you know…” He gave you a puzzled look but you just kept going. “I’ve wanted you to kiss me so badly...for so long. I just thought maybe you regretted it and that’s why you pulled away…”

“Not at all, babe...not at all.” He said, moving in, grabbing the sides of your face and kissing you tenderly.

This time when he pulled away his hands stayed where they were and he wiped away the remaining tears with his thumbs. “God you are so gorgeous.”

You couldn’t help but laugh a little, “Tyson, I’m crying and my makeup is everywhere.”

“That’s what makes you so beautiful.”

You shook your head and smiled at him, taking his hands in yours and bringing them to your sides.

“Come on, let’s go get you fixed up.” He said, leading you back to your room.

It didn’t take you too long to fix your makeup, and before you knew it you heard your mom yell up the stairs telling you guys to hurry up. You grabbed your shoes and sat on the bed next to Tyson to put them on. You started to open the door to leave and Tyson took your hand to stop you.

“Tys, we need to go what ar-” He stopped you with another kiss that you melted into.

“I know, I’m sorry, I just can’t get enough of your lips right now…”

You chuckled and rolled your eyes, “if we go now you can explore all of my lips later…”

Tyson’s eyes widened and he hurried both of you downstairs where the rest of your family was waiting.

~~~~~~

It was a beautiful day, although still pretty cold, the sun was shining and the snow was shimmering. The church looked gorgeous, they had decorated it with tons and tons of flowers, it looked like a garden and it was beautiful.

You held onto Tyson's arm as you followed the rest of your family to sit down. You got there on the earlier side, so there weren't too many people there yet. You found yourself looking back at the doors quite often, waiting for Jake to arrive. Tyson noticed, because you really weren't being very discrete about it, so he took your hand in his and squeezed it gently. You looked at him and smiled. You were so happy and relieved that you two finally shared how you felt and that you could finally be together. You wanted to believe that nothing would ruin such a beautiful day, but if anyone could, it would be Jake.

You were successfully distracted from the door by your brother's ridiculous argument over which of your cousins was going to get the most shitfaced. By the end of it you had placed $20 on who you thought I'd be.

When the ceremony was about to start, you looked to your left and your breath hitched. You grabbed Tyson's hand and looked at you before following your gaze across the room to where Jake was. He looked back and gave you a reassuring smile and kissed the side of your head. Thankfully, the music started to play and your focus was on the wedding party walking in.

The ceremony was beautiful, their vows were adorable, and all of the speakers and passages were very fitting. It wasn't too long either, which was also nice, you couldn't sit still for very long so you liked when things were quick.

Because of all of the people leaving the church, you avoided an encounter with Jake which you were glad about but you knew it was going to happen so the dread just set in. You were able to keep pretty busy throughout the night. Introducing Tyson to everyone and catching up with family you hadn't seen in a while. Tyson stayed by your side pretty much the whole night which was super comforting. You were nervous for him to leave you because you had caught Jake staring at you a few times, and you knew as soon as you were alone he was going to come up to you.

It didn't happen for a little while longer, which you didn't know if it was better or worse because you now had multiple vodka sodas in you. You had been sitting at the table with Tyson, taking a break from the dance floor, when your dad and uncles had come up to you and asked to steal Tyson. You tried to object but your uncles were insistent on spending a little time with him. You rolled your eyes and sat back, trying to push the anxious thoughts away. But that wasn't happening when you saw him approaching you. You tried to stand up but he grabbed your arm before you could take a step.

"Y/N, please. Just let me talk to you."

You sighed and sat down, making a point to shrug your arm out of his grip.

"So, who's the guy?"

"Tyson, my boyfriend." He scoffed at your reply. "What?" You asked.

"Nothing, I'm just surprised is all."

"Why?"

"Word on the street is, he's a professional athlete."

"So?"

"So, it's probably not going to last long. I wouldn’t say that you’re really his type."

"You don't know anything about me, Jake. We haven't talked in years. And I would really like to keep it that way, so please, leave me alone."

"Oh, come on, Y/n/N. Don't be like that. I wasn't that bad, you blew things way out of proportion."

"Did I? Because I'm pretty sure if your dad wasn't as good of friends with my uncle that you would have been in jail, not rehab. You're lucky you got off as well as you did. Me? I didn't get off that easy. You really fucked me up. I couldn't get near a guy for a year because of you. You were abusive. You were an asshole. And I wish that I hadn't wasted so many years of my life with you." You weren't really sure where you got the nerve to say all that, because as soon as it came out of your mouth you were scared of how he was going to react. He opened his mouth, but before he could get a word out, you heard a voice behind you.

"I believe the lady has spoken, you can go now."

To your surprise, he walked right away. It was probably Tyson towering over him that scared him off.

"Well, I was feeling badly that I left you out in the open but it appears my girlfriend is a total badass and was fine on her own…" He commented, wrapping his arms around you and placing his chin on top of your head.

"Yeah, well I'm surprised too. I have no idea why I thought that would be a good idea. I'm not sure what would have happened if you hadn't come over."

"Well, hopefully we never have to find out…are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. It felt good to get that out."

"Good, fuck that guy."

"Yeah, fuck that guy." You said agreeing with him as you let go. "I need another drink…a stiff one."

"Anything for you, my love."

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful, however you downed a few more drinks and were very drunk. Tyson helped you to the car and then up to your room once you got home.

You stripped out of your dress and pounced on Tyson.

"Whoa, easy there killer." He said catching you and placing you gently on the bed.

You kissed for a few minutes before he climbed off of you. "Alright, bedtime."

"What?! Tyson…" you whined. "I've been waiting so long for this."

“Oh have you?!” He asked, quirking his eyebrows.

“Yes, now pleeeeeease.” She whined.

“You’re too drunk, and besides it’s a little weird with your parents down the hall.”

"Ugh, fiiiine." You pouted, taking your bra off and getting comfy in the bed.

"Can you put a shirt on?"

"Oh my god, Tyson, what is wrong with you?"

"I don't know if I can control myself laying with you naked all night. Just please." He said, throwing you one of his shirts.

You sighed and put his shirt over your head. He climbed into bed next to you and wrapped his arms around you.

"I'm so glad you came with me this weekend, Tys."

"Me too, I don't think I could have lasted much longer just as your neighbor."

"Yeah, it was starting to really get to me…"

"What do you mean?"

"I just was thinking that I was going to have to distance myself because I couldn't suppress my feelings anymore…"

"Well, then I'm definitely glad we had this weekend, I would have been really sad if you did that."

"I don't know if I could live with myself if I made you sad…not to mention I'd have Landy on my ass."

"He's been texting me all weekend."

"Really? Why?"

"Updates on if we're together or not."

"Did you tell him?"

"Nah, I want to mess with him a bit."

You chuckled and rolled your eyes, "what are you gonna do?"

"I'm just going to tell him that we had an awful weekend, we got into a huge fight and we're not even friends anymore."

"You're awful."

"But when I finally tell him that we are together now, he'll be so happy he won't even care."

"Okay, just leave me out of it!"

"Oh you're in it now. We're partners for life."

"For life?"

"I hope so."

"Me too." You said with a small smile. You turned so you were now facing him. "Goodnight, Tys." You said softly, giving him a kiss before snuggling into his chest.

"Goodnight, Y/n/N."

~~~~~~~

The next day you had a big brunch with your family before everyone went their separate ways again. Now that you and Tyson were actually together you were so much more relaxed. Despite the hangovers, everyone was laughing and joking around. You were actually a little sad that you were leaving. But, you were excited to get out of your parent's house and spend some alone time with Tyson.

After what seemed like a never ending goodbye, you and Tyson were finally on the road back to Denver. The car ride was much more pleasurable. Again, you were more relaxed, the weekend was behind you, and you frankly couldn't wait to get back.

When you pulled into the garage, you grabbed all of your bags and headed upstairs. You parted ways so you could put your bags down. A few minutes later, Tyson strolled through your front door. You were grabbing a glass of water in the kitchen, so you got one for him too and then you went back to your room so you could unpack and start some laundry.

"Do you want to bring your laundry over here?" You asked him as you gathered your dirty clothes.

"It's alright, I can do it later."

"I don't mind, Tys. I'm doing it anyway."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, go get it."

Tyson gave you a quick kiss on the cheek and walked off to go get his laundry.

Once you had a load going the two of you went and sat on the couch. You started off just talking but then ended up making out a bit. Tyson was now lying on top of you and things were starting to get heated when his phone rang. "Shit," he muttered as he rummaged around trying to find it on the couch. "It's Landy, I have to answer, I told him to call me."

You rolled your eyes but sat up next to him as he settled back.

"Hey, man." He greeted solemnly. You mouthed for him to put it on speaker.

"Hey, are you home? What happened?"

"Yeah, I'm home…um, things didn't go so well."

"Oh no...what happened?"

"Well, things with her family weren't good to start with. Then the first night we got into a fight about her brothers, and then we got into another argument the next day and I almost just left…I ended up staying but I don't think we're really even friends anymore…"

"WHAT?! Why wouldn't you be friends anymore? What did you do???"

You had to suppress your laughter at Tyson's face when Gabe insinuated it was something he did and not you.

"Why would you think it was something I did?!" Tyson asked, obviously very offended.

"It's Y/N…she just doesn't do anything wrong."

"Okay, well, I don't know. We need a break from each other."

"What the hell, Tyson? Did you even tell her how you feel?"

"I was going to, but I figured telling her after we just had a screaming match wouldn't be the best idea."

"You screamed at each other??? Jesus, what did you fight about?"

"Mat Barzal."

"What?!"

"Yeah he DM'd her on Instagram and it pissed me off."

"Seriously? You screamed at her?! That's not even her fault, man."

"I know, I shouldn't have gotten upset with her, but I did, and now we're just giving each other some space."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Go over to her place right now and make things right."

"I can't, man."

"You can, and you will."

"No, I really can't."

"And why not?"

"Because I'm already over here."

"What?"

"I'm just messing with you, Landy. We're dating now."

"Are you kidding me?! Y/N are you there? Were you in on this??"

"I wanted no part in it!!!"

"Ugh, Tyson, I want to be so mad at you right now, but I'm too happy for you!! It's about time, though. We were going to give you guys like another week, tops, before we took matters into our own hands."

You and Tyson both laughed, "who is we?!" You asked.

"Me, Mel, basically the whole team…"

"Well I'm glad we have lots of supporters." You commented as Tyson pursed his lips.

"NO one will be butting into this relationship…I'm serious Landy."

"I'm sorry that's not the way it works, Josty." Tyson rolled his eyes but you just giggled. "Anyway, I'm glad you two love birds finally figured it out. Have a good rest of your day and use protection!!!"

Tyson rolled his eyes again and hung up on Landy. "We're turning our phones off and spending the rest of the day in the bedroom." He commanded as he put his phone down on the coffee table. He looked at you signifying for you to do the same and you obeyed then followed him into your bedroom.

#tyson jost #tyson jost imagine #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction

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survivalsguide · 3 years

Photo

「 kristine froseth. twenty-five. cis female. she/her. 」 — is that 𝑫𝑨𝑵𝑨 𝑹𝑶𝒁𝑮𝑨 i just saw hiding on campus with 𝑰𝑪𝑬 𝑺𝑲𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑩𝑳𝑨𝑫𝑬𝑺? good thing they caught up with the group before they become zombie chow. they’ve been with the group for about 𝑻𝑯𝑹𝑬𝑬 𝑴𝑶𝑵𝑻𝑯𝑺 now, helping out mostly as a 𝑮𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑹𝑨𝑳 𝑴𝑬𝑴𝑩𝑬𝑹. they remind me of FALSE PROMISES HIDDEN BEHIND AN EARNEST VOICE ; WORN AND TATTERED RIBBONS USED TO TIE UP LONG LOCKS ; HAND HOLDING IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. that’s probably why they’re known for being pretty 𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑻, but i’ve heard a rumor that they can be 𝑪𝑶𝑾𝑨𝑹𝑫𝑰𝑪𝑬 as well. too bad there’s no chance of them surviving all of this.

𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺. 𝑷𝑰𝑵 𝑩𝑶𝑨𝑹𝑫.

𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒔

• 𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎 : dana marie rozga ( pronounced the “wrong way” ) • 𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚜 : california, disney, whatever other nicknames likened to her job • 𝚍.𝚘.𝚋. : october 21, 1995 • 𝚑𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚘𝚠𝚗 : monterey, california • 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 : anaheim, california • 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚘𝚌𝚌𝚞𝚙𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 : cast member at disneyland parks • 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚒𝚘𝚗 : raised catholic • 𝚜𝚎𝚡𝚞𝚊𝚕 𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 : bisexual • 𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚜 : single

• 𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 : 5′6 and a half ( 1.70 m ) • 𝚠𝚎𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 : 125.5 lbs • 𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚛 𝚌𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚛 : dark blonde/light brown • 𝚎𝚢𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚛 : blue

• 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚕 : lukas razga. olivia anne sommers. • 𝚜𝚒𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 : only child • 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚗 : n/a • 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚙𝚘𝚗 𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚗 : ice skating blades ( long story ) • 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚓𝚘𝚋 : general member • 𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 : engraved lighter 𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚

tw: divorce, if i’m missing anything i’m sorry!

she was too young to understand why her parents had chosen separate living accommodations in the wake of what was to be a divorce, but she knew she had made the right decision to live with her father primarily. while dana loved her mother she was a bit, eccentric. she was the apple of her mother’s eye, but also the person her mother placed too much attention and time on. she had ideas for dana’s future, that was certain, ones that she were to thrilled about but her mother had good intentions. maybe not so much the day she tried to sign the family up for a reality tv show after befriending a family who had one out in florida.

her life wasn’t anything special growing up, nothing that would have made the local news or put her name on the internet, but it was different. dana was homeschooled until she went to high school, which yeah i guess she did have her cady haron moment, just nothing at all like it. there was something different about monterey bay, smaller for sure, picturesque, of course but everyone knew everything about everyone. it was the one thing dana hated about it. maybe that’s because there wasn’t much to know. she loved to ice skate with her best friend, she liked to swim but she hated sharks, and she hated being reprimanded, by anyone. she hated change and never did anything unless she knew she wouldn’t fail at it. she loved converse, the hightops, hated the popular girl in school who had everyone's attention and sometimes looked at her best friend in a way that was just a little more than that.

when dana was seventeen she got her first job working at the monterey bay aquarium with her best friend, violet, that’s where she met the rest of the people who would later try to survive the end of the world with her. and that was another story entirely . . .

after high school dana and two of the people she knew from work had all taken a trip down to l.a. for college, but her college days were sporadic. she changed her major at least five times and had taken a year off after her first year and hadn’t even become a sophomore until she was twenty-three, and then she left. she got another job working at the happiest place on earth . . . though in reality that’s only for the guests, and her best friend got married to a man she met on tinder and moved to the other side of the country. her father started dating again and her mother, well she had started up some overpriced yoga retreat that had one out of five star yelp reviews for being a scam. so in the grand scheme of things, everyone was moving on, everyone but dana. change wasn’t something she dealt with all that well and when the world came to an end, she handled it worse than most.

dana was with a few friends on a roadtrip from california to georgia where her best friend had moved to. and when the news hit, they were in texas and by the time they reached mississippi, chaos broke out.

mini story time! how she got those ice skates.

before the road trip, one of her friends, theo, had been working at an ice skating rink, the one she met him at. before he left he had been fired from his job and since theo was one who was a bit of a jokester and liked to “ stick it to the man ” they ended up stealing all the rental ice skates they could in a black duffle bag. a bit of a good-bye prank if you will. so that would be the reason dana had made makeshift weapons with the abundance of ice skates he had since this all started.

dana wasn’t the best person to have around when all this happened. as she didn’t care for change she was also a bit of coward, self-preserving was her motto since day one and she always takes care of herself before others, and always had. there are stories she won’t share for fear of how people will view her after hearing them, but her group had dwindled from mississippi to virginia and a good amount of the blame for that fell onto her shoulders. she didn’t want to risk saving someone if it meant she might be in harms way and the only person from her group who came to ravenswood with her has chosen not to say anything because he’s waiting, waiting for the right time to share the tales of her adventures. it’s better to have that sort of leverage over someone i guess. but maybe she has a secret on him too and it’s just waiting to see who cracks first.

* note: this poorly written intro is subject to change but all major elements will remain. it’s just very messy and i’m missing a few things.

#hollowlandintro

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hutchhitched · 4 years

Text

Screw West

Written by: @hutchhitched

Prompt 137: Friends to lovers road trip au! Katniss wants to take a summer off to explore the country, Peeta volunteers to go with her. Bonus points if one of them is an absolutely oblivious idiot. [submitted by anonymous]

Ratings/Warnings: T

A/N: I’m continuing to post the nine @everlarkficexchange prompts I took and then sat on throughout the early months of the pandemic. Usually, I travel a lot during the summer, but not so much in 2020. Instead, I wrote this story for you. Enjoy!

___________

Peeta Mellark sifted through a stack of notes and sighed in frustration. “None of this makes sense anymore,” he grunted. “I thought the point of planning this was to have a, I don’t know, plan or something.”

Katniss Everdeen, his best friend since their freshman biology class a million years ago, looked at him in amusement and rolled her eyes.

“I thought you were supposed to be the spontaneous one in this friendship, Mellark” she laughed. “I promised you a road trip, but only if you’ll help me figure out some kind of time frame for when we’ll be back. I have lesson plans to write for the fall, you know. Some of us actually have a schedule. I know this was my idea, but you did agree to join me.”

Peeta grinned at her mischievous smile and shrugged. He’d been hopelessly in love with her since forever, and she had no idea how excited he was that she’d agreed to him accompanying her on her trip. The fact that she’d told him she wanted to take the summer to explore the US, and he’d called in every favor he could at his job to make this happen was something he’d never admit. He’d had to lobby his editor pretty hard to convince him that Peeta could write his column remotely and that doing so from different tourist destinations would actually strengthen his following rather than diminish it. Haymitch Abernathy only budged when the newspaper’s owner, Effie Trinket, pressured him to agree. Peeta wasn’t about to question Haymitch’s approval. With orders to keep the costs to a minimum and turn in his stuff on time, his boss had told him to report back after Labor Day.

So, he’d broached the subject with Katniss, hoping she hadn’t been joking when she said she wanted to head out and see all the things she’d never had a chance to in her childhood. He’d been absolutely ecstatic when she’d hugged him hard and thanked him for being her road trip buddy across America. The problem was they had no idea where they were going, no concrete plan, and absolutely no idea how to make a firm decision.

“Maybe we could start on the East Coast and work our way south first,” he suggested, but she shook her head.

“I think I’ve done that. I mean, we both grew up in the Appalachians. Didn’t you see about as much of the eastern seaboard as you’ve ever wanted to? I haven’t been to Florida, but it seems kinda similar to the outer banks in North Carolina and the Low Country in South Carolina and Georgia. I’ve definitely been there.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, but it seems like a waste to head due west when we’ve got the time to ramble a bit.”

“Screw west? What?”

“Due, Katniss. Due west.”

“Ah. That makes more sense.” She nodded thoughtfully, but then made a note. “Maybe we can swing back through the South on the way home later in the summer?”

“Sounds good,” he agreed. “So, we’re going north first?”

“Maybe just west like you said? I don’t know. I want to see what’s on the other side of the mountains. I’ve never been further than Pittsburgh that direction, and that’s just kind of sad.”

“So, we’re going to drive through flyover country.”

“Exactly. Something’s gotta be there, huh?”

“I guess we’ll figure out why everybody calls it that, anyway.”

Katniss flipped through an outdated atlas for a few minutes and finally shoved it to the side. She turned her body toward him, and he looked at her, desperately trying to hide his affection. He felt like a heart eye emoji every time she was in the same room.

“I think we ought to just pack for every situation we can fathom, get in the car tomorrow morning, and start driving. We’ll figure it out then. And we’ll be together, so it can’t be that bad, right?”

“Right,” he breathed, his heart caught in his chest. “I guess I better go home and pack. Pick you up at 8:00 tomorrow?”

She leaned over and gave him a hug that made him want to bury his face in her neck and press kisses there until she moaned his name.

“See you then.”

He left shortly afterward, walking to his car with a pang in his stomach. He was headed out on an unplanned road trip with the love of his life, and she had no idea how he felt. He had only one thought as he started the car and headed home.

“I am so screwed.”

****

Bleary-eyed and anxious, Peeta pulled into the Katniss’ driveway at 7:58 am the next morning and honked lightly on the horn. He knew she was up since she’d texted him three times asking him if he was awake and on the way and, oh, would he stop by their favorite coffee shop and pick up pastries and espresso? If he wasn’t half in love with her (okay, completely in love with her), he would have turned off his phone and gone back to sleep.

Except he wouldn’t. He’d jump out of bed every single day just for a glimpse of her, and that was more truth than he ever wanted to admit when it appeared she had no interest in him outside of their very close friendship.

Heaving a sigh, he climbed from the car and bounded up the steps to her door to knock three times in rapid succession. It opened, and Peeta had to bite the inside of his right cheek not to embarrass her by telling her how gorgeous she looked. Because she did. She was sleep rumpled, but her face was lit up with excitement. So excited she was practically wiggling, she flung herself at him for a massive hug and then motioned him inside.

“Are you taking all that?” he asked when he spied the mound of luggage by the door. Or a pile of random stuff was maybe a better way to describe it. There were a couple of boxes, a cooler, a duffel bag, a backpack, and two grocery bags stuffed full of shoes and what looked like swimming paraphernalia.

She shrugged and walked down the hall to the bathroom. “I packed up some snacks and things I thought we might want, and I have my electronics and some books, and we agreed to pack for any occasion, so I’ve got swimming stuff and a couple of jackets if it gets cold in the mountains, and who knows how hot it’ll get? And hiking boots. I want to do everything, Peeta. Ev-er-y-thing!”

And could he help it if that shot straight to his dick? Because he wanted to try everything, too, except he wanted to try it all with her. Naked and in bed. Kissing and rubbing together and—

“I’m so screwed,” he whispered before grabbing her backpack and cooler and stalking out to the car.

****

Katniss hopped into the passenger’s seat with a wide smile and bounced a few times before fastening her seatbelt. She turned to him, glanced at the backseat to make sure she could access everything they might need in the new few hundred miles, and crowed, “Road trip!”

He couldn’t help but chuckle at her enthusiasm. It was adorable—she was adorable—and he was suddenly flush with eagerness to spend the next few weeks with her. They hadn’t really decided on how long this would go, just that they would be together and make it up as they went along, but he hoped he had at least three weeks since he had the okay from work to be gone the entire summer. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could stretch it into a month or more. Like Katniss, he hadn’t seen much of the US past the Appalachians, and he was looking forward to discovering what the nation had to offer.

“So, where are we headed?” he asked, his foot on the brake and hand on the gear shift. She laughed and leaned into his shoulder. He gulped and swallowed hard at the feel of her soft skin against his arm.

“I thought maybe we’d head out of town first,” she teased.

He shot her a wry smile and rolled his eyes. “Yes, thank you. Very informative, as always. Which highway?”

She turned fully to face him and tucked her left leg up on the seat. Her eyes sparkled, and she leaned toward him as she wiggled in her seat.

“Where have you always wanted to go?”

“Anywhere with you,” he said softly and then snapped his mouth shut. He hadn’t meant to say it, but she was so adorable. She’d never understood the effect she had on him, but he was powerless to resist her pull. Whatever power she had over him had only grown over time, and he wanted to spend every day of the rest of his life with her. If not that, then he wanted to freeze this very moment in time and live in it forever.

“So kind,” she scoffed, “but I’m serious, Peeta. I’ve never been further west than Pittsburgh, unless Nashville counts. What’s out there, anyway?”

“I have no idea,” he murmured, but that didn’t matter to him. What he wanted was right in the car with him, even if she had no idea how he felt, or how he’d felt about her for the past ten years.

With a shrug, he put the car in reverse, backed out of her driveway, and headed for I-64. After all, it took them due west.

****

Peeta glanced over at the woman sitting in the passenger seat and asked for what felt like the hundredth time, “Okay?”

Katniss nodded, the ghost of a smile twitching on her lips. The windows were partially down, and a breeze blew through the locks of hair that had escaped from her braid. They were somewhere in central Kentucky, and he felt like he’d won the lottery.

Lush forests of deciduous trees graced the sides of steeply sloped mountains that fell to a valley in which the interstate bordered a swiftly flowing river. Wildflowers sprung from cracks in rock along the side of the road, and the air smelled fresh, a little like spring and also a bit similar to a summer barbeque right before a thunderstorm. It was humid and sticky, but the circulation kept them from sweating too much. Besides, they were saving a shit ton of gas by not running the air conditioner.

“Want me to drive?” she asked, and he glanced over at her. Her cheek rested against the headrest as she looked at him, and his stomach dropped to his knees. She was so beautiful.

“At the next stop, sure,” he managed and shifted in his seat. If he left himself, he’d start imagining scenarios that would only get him in trouble—some in which she leaned over and did more with her mouth than talking, and that seemed disrespectful to his friend.

“How much longer do you want to go today? I mean, the whole point of this is to see what’s out there, and we won’t be able to when it gets darker.”

“Is there some place you want to stop? Anything catching your eye?”

“Not really. This is pretty, but we don’t have to stay on the interstates if you don’t want to. They make the trip faster, but that’s not really the point, is it?”

He nodded and watched the signs for a few miles before signaling and exiting. He needed to use the restroom, and he wanted to take a look at the map and figure out where exactly they were in relations to a place he’d gone with his family when he was young. They were in the general vicinity of somewhere that held special memories for him, and he wanted to make some new ones with his best friend.

Once they were back in the car, Katniss in the driver’s seat this time, he handed her the keys and suggested they head south on the highway instead of getting on the entrance ramp. When her eyes sparkled, he knew he’d made the right suggestion. They’d been traveling for over five hours, and they’d done nothing more than watch the scenery pass outside the window. It was time to be part of it.

It took another 45 minutes or so until he saw the sign, and he directed her to the second exit into Daniel Boone National Forest. Back when he was younger and his parents still pretended to like each other, they’d taken a family vacation and stayed at the park for a few days. He and his two brothers had hiked and played happily for hours, and that time was still one of his favorite memories from when his family was together.

“It’s beautiful,” Katniss gasped as she pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car. “We’re going for a hike, right?”

“Yeah, sure. I mean, if you want to. I came here with my family when I was younger, and that trail has a little waterfall at the end, if I remember right.”

They changed quickly into their hiking boots and set off through the woods. It wasn’t a tough hike over slightly sloped and fairly wide space. They met other couples and families, many holding hands, and Peeta yearned to reach for Katniss and walk with her hand folded against his. They got to the waterfall by late afternoon and took the time to sit quietly and listen to the wind in the trees. Visitors popped in and out, but they didn’t mind the intrusions. Eventually, each left, and they had the place to themselves for a little while before another group stumbled into the clearing to see the falling water. Eventually, though, the sun dropped further in the sky, and Peeta suggested they head back to the car, find a place to stay for the night so they could shower, and then grab dinner. The snacks they’d had in the car during the drive just wouldn’t satisfy him after such a long day.

It took a little while, but they finally stumbled upon a small mom and pop hotel in a tiny out of the way town. Peeta offered to get their luggage while Katniss checked them in, so when he followed her to room 415, he wasn’t prepared for what faced him. Katniss worked the key (an actual key, not a keycard) into the lock and opened the door. Her surprised, “oh!” should have been enough for him to figure it out, but he still gaped when he stepped into the room and saw…

There was only one bed.

Flustered, he offered to ask for another room, but Katniss waved him off like it didn’t matter. She reminded him that they’d fallen asleep on the couch together dozens of times since they’d known each other.

“This won’t be any different,” she insisted and grabbed her toiletry bag and some fresh clothes. “I’m going to shower, and then you promised me dinner.”

Peeta watched her retreating back and sank onto the lone bed. Bouncing a little bit on the firm mattress, he looked to the ceiling and whispered, “I’m so screwed.”

****

Dinner was lovely, if Peeta said so himself, and he did. It wasn’t much, really just a local family diner with a menu focused on home cooking and large portions, but it left them both full and satisfied. Better than that, they’d talked a lot. It probably helped that they were facing instead of sitting next to each other in the car. He was grateful for the laughs and intimacy over the meal, but now he sat on the edge of the mattress, his leg shaking as he waited for Katniss to finish in the bathroom.

Because, did he mention? There was only one bed.

The bathroom door opened, and he shot up to standing. Katniss tossed him a distracted smile as she crossed the room. She wore ragged sweats and wrinkled t-shirt he’d seen her in a hundred times, so at least he didn’t have to worry about her wearing some sort of lingerie (not that he would have expected that since they’d always planned to share a hotel room, if not a bed).

“I’ll just…” He trailed off and waved toward the bathroom, and she nodded while scrolling through her phone.

He stared at himself in the mirror and berated the image there for being so awkward. This was Katniss. They’d been friends for forever, and he loved her deeply. This wasn’t that big of a deal. She’d camped out on his couch dozens of times, and they’d woken up together with no problem at all. There was no reason to think this would be any different.

The light was off in the room when he emerged from the bathroom and made his way to his side of the bed. Carefully, he pulled back the covers and climbed in, careful to keep himself on his half. When he was settled on his back, he glanced over at Katniss to see her back to him.

“G’night,” she murmured, and he returned the sentiment before nestling below the covers and falling asleep after several long minutes during which he cursed his overactive imagination.

He slept dreamless until just before waking, when he envisaged driving a car through a red-sanded desert. The car sped down a hill, and he pressed the brake a few times before admitting to himself that they weren’t working. Panicked, he looked to his right to see Katniss with a smile on her face as the wind blew through her hair. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back as they charged toward a rock wall.

Bolting upright in bed, he gasped and shook at the vividness of the dream. Katniss still slept next to him, her hair splayed around her head on the pillow and her legs tangled with his. She remained on her side of the bed otherwise. She hadn’t cuddled into him overnight, and he wondered if he should be relieved or disappointed. He decided to allow himself a little of both and quietly untangled himself from her and made his way to the bathroom. The last thing he needed was for Katniss to wake before he could get his anatomy under control.

Once the door was closed behind him, he breathed out for several seconds. His morning wood was uncomfortable, so he spent a few minutes attempting to quell it. Unfortunately, his mind continually flitted to the image of Katniss lying in the bed, her face angelic, and her hair fashioning a halo around her head. After a few minutes, he turned on the shower and stepped inside. Cold water should do the trick.

A few minutes later, he was clean and completely unsatisfied but in control ready for breakfast. Katniss sat on the edge of the bed, bleary-eyed and grumpy. When he greeted her, she grunted and stumbled to the bathroom without a word.

“So, further west today?” he asked when they had checked out and snagged a booth at the local Waffle House. He’d forgotten how good and cheap the breakfasts were there, and he inhaled a stack of pancakes and some ham while she picked at an omelet. He studied her over his coffee and then stole a sip of her orange juice. When she didn’t protest, he nudged her foot with his. “What’s wrong?”

She shook herself and managed a wan smile. “Nothing. Just tired. I didn’t sleep great last night.”

“We don’t have to go as far today. We can take it easy.”

“Sure. That sounds good. I’ll take the first shift.”

She drove silently, while he studied the map, both physical and on his phone. He guided her back to the interstate and then pulled out his laptop and typed a few notes. They helped him organize his thoughts and gave him an excuse to stay quiet.

“What’s there to see in Paducah?” she asked, startling him from his bubble.

He shrugged and typed the city into his phone. He glanced at the map for a few seconds and then offered, “There’s a local brewery. We could check it out. Stay there tonight. Not in the brewery. In Paducah, I mean.”

That turned out to be the perfect plan. They checked into a hotel (two beds this time) and walked several blocks to the brewery where they found a table and ordered. The beer helped them both relax, and it wasn’t long before they were chatting and laughing like normal.

“So, Paducah’s now the furthest west you’ve ever been. Feel any different?”

“Totally. My life is complete.” When he laughed, she continued, “I mean, no. It doesn’t feel much different. What does feel new is this trip at all. I’ve never really done this—strike out on a whim and let the road take me where it wants to. It feels good to let go of all that control. Thanks for giving me the chance to do that.”

“Of course. I’d do anything for you. You know that.”

“Uh, I hate to tell you this, but there’s a woman over there that looks like she really wants to do a few things to you,” Katniss said and pointed her half-empty glass over his shoulder. He glanced behind him and gulped.

“Wow. She’s undressing me with her eyes, isn’t she? That’s bold, since I’m here with you.”

“Yeah, but you’re not really here with me, are you? I can make myself scarce if you want to…” she trailed off suggestively, and he fought to keep his face blank. He didn’t need another reminder that she didn’t see him as anything more than a friend, but here it was. God, it hurt. Every single time she expressed her lack of interest, it broke his heart a little bit more.

“I really don’t.”

“You might not have much of a choice. She’s headed over.”

Panicked, he gulped his beer and beseeched her, “Feel free to be my girlfriend. Save me!”

She snorted just as the woman appeared at their side, and the stranger dismissed Katniss with a disdainful glance before speaking to him. “Hey, there, handsome,” she drawled. “I’m Glimmer. Can I buy you a round?”

“Uh, well, I—”

“Excuse me,” Katniss said and slid off her stool. He watched helplessly as she made her way to the restroom and left him alone with his unwanted guest.

“Now, that we’re alone,” Glimmer purred and ran her hand over his forearm. She settled into the vacated stool and smiled widely. “So, what’s your name, honey?”

If he wasn’t already head over heels in love with his best friend, he might find this woman and her southern accent charming, but that wasn’t the case. He didn’t want this washed out version of a companion. He wanted Katniss. He hemmed and hawed for several minutes, attempting to discourage her without being rude, but she was more insistent than he liked. He caught Katniss’ eye as she stood by the bar ordering a beer and shot her a pointed look. Thankfully, she seemed to get the point. She paid for her two beers and threaded her way back to him.

“I got you another, babe.”

He grabbed the glass and thanked her, but Glimmer still didn’t take the hint. He introduced the two half-heartedly and watched with humor as Katniss studied Glimmer and thanked her for keeping Peeta company while she was gone.

“I think he’d like me to stick around,” Glimmer said pointedly, and Katniss turned to him.

“Is that so?” And then she leaned in to kiss him.

Shocked, Peeta didn’t know what to do at first. The kiss remained chaste for a few seconds, but his mouth opened involuntarily. She didn’t hesitate to sweep in with her tongue. She pressed into him, and he let go of his beer to cup her face as he tangled his lips with hers.

Suddenly, Katniss broke away and grinned at him while he gaped at her. “You’re welcome.”

He blinked a few times and realized Glimmer was gone. Katniss resumed her seat and calmly took a sip of her drink and then suggested some options for the next day. Peeta ducked his head and pretended to listen. Now that he knew how she tasted, he had no idea how he was going to be content remaining friends. After a few minutes, he excused himself so he could regroup in the bathroom. There he faced himself in the mirror and whispered his road trip mantra.

“I am so screwed.”

****

The next day they crossed the Mississippi River and stopped briefly in St. Louis to visit the Gateway Arch and eat, even though the barbeque was different than what they were used to. Both preferred the vinegar base and coleslaw of the Carolinas, but what they had wasn’t bad either. When the waiter asked for feedback, he suggested continuing on I-70 and comparing what they’d had for lunch with that in Kansas City.

“It’s sweeter. Almost caramelizes on the meat. You might like it, and it doesn’t hurt to try different styles if you don’t really have an agenda.”

That was how they ended up in an upscale hotel near downtown Kansas City and eating ribs and burnt ends for the second time that day.

“This is definitely better,” Peeta groaned through a mouthful of pork, and Katniss agreed.

“So, I’ve been thinking,” she mused. “We’re pretty deep into the Midwest, and nothing really looks much different, right? I think we should slow down. We’re halfway across the country, and we’ve been gone three days.”

“I’m okay with that,” he agreed.

“I vote for staying here for a few nights. Relaxing, sight-seeing, swimming, maybe putting together a little more of a plan. Eventually, I want to make it to the west coast. Drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway, maybe see the redwoods, but there’s about a zillion national parks between here and there. Can we go? Please?”

“Of course, we can. We can visit whatever you want. I told you I’m all in before we started this thing.”

A smile split her face, and she threw her arms around him. “Thank you, Peeta.”

He gathered her to him and held her to his chest for several minutes before she pulled away. He didn’t even bother to say it out loud this time. He simply closed his eyes and internally chided, “I am so screwed.”

****

A week later, Peeta wanted to die. If he’d thought he loved Katniss before, he was irrevocably, head over heels, undyingly in love with her now. Waking up with her day after day, sometimes in the same bed, sometimes just in the same room, was excruciating. She was grumpy and irritable in the morning, but it was absolutely adorable. He loved watching her let loose and enjoy herself more than he’d ever experienced back home in Virginia. They shared more than they ever had and dug up memories he hadn’t even remembered until she punched something loose in the back of his brain. Before long, it seemed like she knew, not just his mind, but his entire soul.

It was so easy with her. He felt like his best self with her, and his writing was flourishing. She talked through lesson plans and ideas about how to arrange her classroom and shared her thoughts about moving into counseling as a better way to help her students. They talked about their families, their current lives and what they imagined for the future, and she told him about her past boyfriends and asked about his girlfriends.

Sometimes, Katniss looked at him while he drove. He often wondered what she was thinking, but he didn’t have the guts to ask. He relished the feel of her skin under his fingertips when she handed him snacks from the vastly depleted stash in the backseat, and he gave himself a bruise pinching himself when she wore one of his t-shirts the day they stopped to do laundry in a small town in eastern Colorado. He drove where she suggested and snapped pictures of her in front of breathtaking scenery and took selfies of them both when she asked. When she shivered in the mountains in Colorado, he shielded her from the wind by holding her against his chest, and he groaned gratefully when she rubbed his tight shoulders at the end of the day. By the time they made it to Wyoming, they’d stopped correcting the hotel clerks who automatically booked them to single rooms. It saved money, and neither of them minded that there was only one bed when they got to their room.

“This may be the most beautiful place I’ve ever been,” Katniss announced when they stopped in the Grand Tetons. They’d agreed to spend a week exploring Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Park, and neither of them regretted it. The views were spectacular, and the weather was perfect.

“It’s gorgeous,” he agreed, but he wasn’t looking at the view. He tried to shift his gaze when she turned to look at him, but he was frozen, unable to tear his eyes from hers.

He could tell when she figured it out. Awareness dawned on her face, and he held his breath. Terrified, he shifted back and forth and tried to wave it away, but she stepped toward him and grabbed his wrist.

“Peeta?”

“I’m s-sorry,” he stammered. “I didn’t mean— I, uh— See, I wasn’t—”

She waited quietly when he ground to a halt, but his stomach and heart were both ripped open wide. She didn’t feel the same way. He’d always known that, but now she was going to say it, and he wasn’t prepared.

“Can I try something?” He was too dismayed to answer, so he nodded and held still. “I just want to see.”

A soft breeze ruffled his hair as she stepped toward him and tugged him down by his shirt. His face was an inch from hers, and she studied him carefully before closing the gap and kissing him softly. He breathed through his nose and allowed her to lead, but she pulled away before it deepened. Disappointed, he couldn’t help comparing it to the one back in Paducah in the overcrowded brewery with Glimmer as a witness.

“It’s really beautiful here, but I’d like to be back to the car before sunset. Can we go? Don’t want to get caught in the park by mistake,” she asked, her voice cool and detached.

“Sure,” he agreed. He followed her as she started down the mountain, trailing far enough behind that he could shield his regret. He’d always held out a little bit of a hope that she’d return his feelings someday, but that didn’t seem to be in the cards. She was as unaffected by their kiss as he was destroyed by it.

Making sure she didn’t hear, he hissed, “I’m so screwed,” at least five times through the ache in his chest.

By the time they got to his car, he was barely holding it together. He started the vehicle, backed out of the parking spot, and headed to their hotel. The thought of sleeping next to her that night was almost more than he could bear, but he didn’t have much of a choice. Sighing, he turned up the volume on the radio and concentrated on driving since the steep, winding roads necessitated more attention than usual.

A few miles from their hotel, the radio faded into static, and he reached to change the station before resting his hand on the gear shift between the seats. When they pulled into the hotel lot, and he shifted into park, he was shocked when she covered his hand with hers. Twisting his palm, she tangled her fingers with his and stared at them for long, tense moments.

“Katniss?” he croaked. She didn’t respond at first, but then she squeezed his hand and smiled at him.

“Let’s go in,” she said softly.

He swallowed hard and studied her face. “Are you sure?”

She nodded and unfolded herself from the car. She was already to the door of their room before he could move. Casting a glance over her shoulder, she slipped inside. A second later, the curtains closed and the door cracked open again. Peeta watched as her hand emerged and hooked the Do Not Disturb sign on the handle.

“Oh, God,” he breathed and scrambled from the car. “I am so screwed!”

#everlarkficexchange #springtime edition 2020 #prompt 137

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