#we call it my second butthole even though it's not really a hole

[hamletkin]

honestly?? true love is when a person tells you you're not disgusting while plucking hairs out of your pilonidal cyst

#🥺🥺 #that's love baby #we call it my second butthole even though it's not really a hole #anyway thinking about how reassuring they always are makes my heart skip a beat

[pinkykitten]

everything stays

chapter 1 - blood on her hands :: gisela klein [ an aot oc story ] 

note: hey guys i know its been a rlly long time since ive posted anything and u may be rlly let down and underwhelmed that ive chosen to write a aot oc instead of fanfic but its what i want to write and i rlly love my oc and wanna give her some love and some praise and let u a little in how i see her. im sorry i havent posted a lot im going to try to write more and who knows i may or may not finish this but its ok imma try lol but life sometimes is a butthole. i hope you love her as much as i do an tysm for taking time out of ur day to read this story. enjoy!

Even though she knew that this day would have to come and that it was near, it still was a surprise for her. She was taken aback. It didn’t make sense and add up to her; she was trained for this since she was little; preparing mentally and physically for phase one of the plan; and the day appeared through the trees; past the wall; the opportunity was present; the fate of the people were waiting in their hands; and yet she felt a sense of evilness within her heart. Was this right? But there was no time. 

The day was written down in history. The stories were spread around like a disease. Heights, jaws, teeth, feet, stench, the screams. If they survived that nightmare they were seen as a tough soldier; as someone that was applauded because they probably had PTSD and had to see everyday as a reason within themselves or God that they were alive. That maybe just maybe they were saved for a reason; for a purpose. That is what Gisela Klein thought. Maybe there was something greater out there for her to do, to accomplish and that was why she saw another day; breathed another breath. 

But one thing was for sure. Forgiveness would never come her way; she would never expect it. To be a warrior she had to endure the horror; the pain; feelings of worthlessness; and friendships lost. 

This is the story of the 10th finding titan; the Slash Titan.

The pounding of her heart rang through her ears. It had taken everything for her to keep going on this journey; to continue on the path to and through Hell. She felt a loss within her and the light in her eyes died out. The loss of her friend made it hard for her to function. To keep her head in the game and in the plan. 

She sighed as she stared at her hands. Broken and bruised like her heart; scars and scratches scattered on her skin. Her bite mark deeply engraved into her flesh. She heaved a huge sigh. Ready to give death a handshake and make a deal with the devil. Panic was rising in her chest from her stomach, almost ready to throw up. 

As she thought about her family back home she realized there was no other way; she had to do this. In order to be with her family, to save them she had to do the one thing she was trained to do. 

Kill.

A lightning strike shot over the wall. The wall that kept the monsters away and at bay. Something was wrong; the air seemed to change. The lightning strike caused a boom, clap and the ground started to shake. 

Bertholdt drew his leg back and with full force swung his leg forward, knocking a hole into the wall that was impenetrable. Many people flew back from the wind of the blow and some were crushed by the debris of the wall. 

Many were going to die; but it’s what needed to be done. 

The titans were called. 

Finally the titans entered the devils homes and started to rip up their lives. “This is right, this is right.” Gisela had to keep reminding herself. “For my family.” And something snapped within her. The image of her mother, tortured, flashed in her mind. And suddenly everything was worth it. “No regrets.”

Gisela eyed Reiner, an agreement, a sign. She exhaled and in a quick motion placed her hand to her mouth and bit into it. In a spark she transformed into her titan form. Her eyes were much like a cats, sharp. She was made into the slash titan, she was chosen for this program. Her titans fingers were like sharp knives, able to cut any object or person. They hung a little past her knees. 

Reiner then transformed and both stomped past the hole. Many citizens glanced up, horrified. Gisela and Reiner were titans never seen before. 

She nodded to Reiner, bent down and started to pick up debris and pieces of houses to throw over the bigger wall. The chunks started to smash against people. Blood splattering everywhere. Gisela almost wanted to close her eyes from the immense amount of dead bodies piled on top of others, graves upon graves. 

She was hauling boulders as high and fast as she could. Her titan held a high amount of power and strength. Being slim, muscular and as tall as the armored titan and female titan. Reiner took a step back and gained his speed to go onward to destroy the bigger wall. 

“Fire!” Their soldiers cried out. Fear evident on their face. They shot their cannons, not even slowing down Reiner. Gisela continued flinging, wanting to create a path for Reiner. She was faster than before and many of her hits flattened the men in the front lines. Their screams and cries loud. 

“Close the gate!” They tried, it was their last hope to save humanity. But it was not enough. Reiner broke the wall and killed those running and they went flying. They reached even higher than Gisela. It astounded her almost, they seemed like helpless birds flying high in the sky; but that thought was quickly wiped clean because the second they flew up in the air they came straight down with much force that many parts of their bodies broke. 

Reiner did what he needed to do, he opened up a way for the titans to get in and they were swarming by the bunches. 

In the distance, the survivors fled in boats across the river to get into the other walls. Gisela put herself in their shoes for a second. They had reason to be scared. Everything they have ever known was gone; their houses, loved ones, food, a place to feel the most comfortable you can feel despite situations; it was all gone. Gisela shook the thought out, not caring about these cruel humans feelings. They had none. No emotions. Gisela had to believe that thought; what she was told, she had to believe it with all her heart, or else what was real?

They waited till they were able to not be seen and Gisela turned human first and then so did Reiner. The four of them hopped on the boat. Talking amongst themselves. The wind howled through the vacant homes. Destruction everywhere. Gisela looked around her setting and saw a little girl had been crushed because a tree fell on her, her doll mere inches away from her grasp. She died with her eyes open; almost looking into Gisela’s soul through the eyes. Gisela’s body trembled and she threw up. 

“Don’t.”

Gisela looked up to see Reiner wiping blood and debris off his clothes. He picked his sleeve and turned Gisela’s head to look away, he wiped her chin and mouth off the puke. He saw the trauma in her eyes and felt guilty. But it’s what needed to be done. He kept telling himself that the more he did this the more he would understand and get used to it. It was still all new to her and he had to be strong for her. He knelt in front of her small frame. “It’s not your fault. They needed to die. We are in this together. You don’t need them. Look at me.”

Gisela looked into his eyes, away from the sadness. His eyes carried the feeling of wanting to be wanted. That was always what Reiner wanted. But they also had fear in his eyes. 

“Stop acting like you’re in control when I know how sick you feel. I know how afraid you are Reiner.”

He paused and took a look at his hands and others surrounding him. “You’re right. But I made a promise to Marcel.”

They joined the other citizens arriving at the food reserves. The master of disguise was needed in this mission. People needed to see four hungry, depressed children that survived the fall of their homes, not mass murderers. 

Annie was only able to fetch two loaves. “Alright, who's the most hungry?”

“You girls should eat, you’re more feeble.” Bertholdt sat on a crate, pointing to Gisela and Annie. 

Annie tsked, moving a bang from her eyes, “who says girls are more feeble? I recall kicking your ass all those times in training.”

“You guys can eat it, I’m not hungry.” Gisela sat on the other crate and saw the chaos of the crowds. A boy caught her interest. He had dark brown hair, tan skin, and light blue green eyes. He was having bread shoved in his mouth and he seemed to have such a strong personality to him. If only Gisela felt so strongly about her motive and her placement in this life. 

“You really should eat, you need your energy after all you did.” Annie broke all the loaves in half and shared it amongst the four of you. “It’s not much but at least it's something.”

Gisela sighed, “you’re right. Thanks.”

After that day there was land given to only a few refugees but there were too many of them. Luckily the four of them had a piece of land that was enough until further inching themselves within society. Through that whole span each day was getting easier and easier living with the lies and day by day Gisela felt more at sure with herself and knowing that she could fulfill this mission. Pills and alcohol helped the pain and ease the thoughts. She taught herself to put a gap between what she came here to do and feelings. She told herself every day that nobody else mattered except her family and Reiner. She trained her brain to not care, to not have strings attached or any love for anything. It was all a play, all a rehearsal for when the curtain would fall. She was readying herself for that fall. Everyday she educated herself more on these scums. What they liked, wanted, needed, craved for, and what they craved more than ever in their life was freedom. 

She trained her body as if it were her last day, barely getting sleep. The face of her mother haunting her every night making her get up at three in the morning to do pushups or sit ups. Not only was her mind getting stronger but also her body. Even Reiner would make jokes noticing the muscles that would appear. The six pack that formed on her stomach. Her thighs growing tight and firm, her arms growing stronger. The sweat growing on her forehead longer. 

With her body growing her relationship with Reiner also changed. They no longer were the tiny children that didn’t understand anatomy or the air between two people. Reiner and Gisela’s relationship was of being flirty, sharing a few kisses here and there, trying to be a couple but then yelling at each other and breaking it up and realizing maybe this isn’t right a million times. Even Bertholdt and Annie were getting tired of their outbursts. But each time they made up to be friends only and then the cycle started where the feelings came in the way and they wanted to be more. They would tease each other, especially Reiner. They were each other's best friends. Gisela was like one of the boys, loud, obnoxious, burping all the time, Reiner would get a look at her and smirk thinking he taught her well. When Reiner looked at her he felt at home and that everything was going to be okay. Her nightmares continued and each time Reiner would come to her room and hold her, let her cry into his arms. She felt he was the only person that knew her pain. 

Gisela understood many things in life and for once she understood her life here, she understood why she was born and chosen. 

It was the following year and in order to get closer to finding the founding titan the four became part of the 104th cadet corps. 

“Are you ready to train more?” Gisela nudged Reiner, eyebrow raised.

“What do you mean train more? This is going to be a new but scary experience honestly.” Reiner spoke as if he was a different person. As if he didn’t have a life outside of the walls. 

“Reiner?” Gisela placed her hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He looked fine on the outside but Gisela knew the issues were inside, his mind. She knew this was becoming disastrous to him, he was starting to have almost two personalities, two lives, two worlds, two people. Gisela tried to tell Annie or Bertholdt, they saw it too but there was nothing they could do. 

All that Gisela could do was smile as they made their way to the first day of training. 

note: again ty y’all sm!!!! If u liked it lmk and this is kinda new for me cuz I usually don’t post my ocs stories here or much at all but I’m rlly excited for y’all to see her and for y’all to know this oc of mine and hopefully accept her ❤️

Taglist: @witchofinterest @chlobenet @eddysocs @fpxloomis @whctsherncme-archive @ocfairygodmother @fandomchick80 @ocappreciationtag

#aot oc #ocappreciation #ochub #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin #snk oc #aot #shingeki no kyoujin oc #gisela klein #everything stays #attack on titan oc #my ocs #reiner braun #reiner braun x reader #reiner Braun x oc #levi ackerman #eren jaeger #original character #aot imagines #aot x oc #aot x reader #aot edit #aot manga #reiner x gisela klein #mikasa ackerman #armin arlert

[takerfoxx]

Jurassic Park 4: Doki Idol Live Festival!

magic5ball submitted:

Remember how you asked me about my idea for a Jurassic Park sequel? Well, here you go:

The two velociraptors stood outside a pastel colored town house in Hokkaido prefecture, Japan. If any passerbys thought that was weird, they certainly didn’t show it. Probably because the raptors were wearing fedoras and fake mustaches, so they looked like humans. Also they had guns. Very cool, very intimidating mobster guns. A tommy gun and a sawed-off shotgun, respectively.

You needed guns, to survive Shinzo Abe’s little empire of vice and socialized medical care.

“So this is the place, huh?” muttered the velociraptor carrying the sawed-off shotgun. His thick Brooklyn accent hung in the air like concrete. “Kinda… frillier than I was expecting.”

“It better be.” Replied his companion, who sounded like your racist conservative uncle trying to impersonate that one cool guy from ‘The Godfather’ (You know, the one with the mustache who was played by Robert de Niro). “We hadda kill a whole lotta people to get this hellhole.”

Sawed-off shotgun licked his non-existent lizard lips

“But hey. That airplane stewardess tasted mighty fine goin-“

“Oh, for f*ck’s sake, would ya stop thinkin’ with your stomach and help me with this f*ckin’ knob!” cried tommy gun, trying to work the doorknob best he could with his raptor claws, which, in all honesty, wasn’t much, because raptor claws are terrible at operating things meant for human fingers. Little did he know, the door was a ‘pull’, not a ‘push.

At least he didn’t have to wait long before someone unlocked the door from the other side: another velociraptor, this one a bit on the short side. And p!ssed. Very, very p!ssed. You could tell he was the cool one because he wore an eyepatch over one eye. An eyepatch with a Captain Underpants logo on it.

“Didn’t your parent’s ever teach you idiots about using the doorbell?! I was just about to enjoy lunch with my beautiful wife and you-!“

He paused, recognizing the two figures facing him.

“Well, well, well” Said tommy gun, cocking his weapon “If it isn’t SWEET JOHN HAMMOND’S BALLSACK WHAT THE F*CK AM I LOOKING AT?!”

For the cool raptor was dressed in a gothic Lolita maid outfit, complete with a bonnet and penny loafers. Under his arm he carried a human sized pillow depicting what appeared to be a blonde floozy with massive tits.

 “Oh this? This is Mami Tomoe, my beautiful wife.”

“WHAT THE F*CK!?!?” Tommy gun pulled out a flask off orange Fanta from his butthole and drank the whole thing in one go. He did NOT have time for this homosexual weeaboo nonsense! Still, he and shotgun hadn’t left a mountain of corpses the exact height and width as Mt. Fuji behind them. Too many to go back to Isla Nublar empty handed. Er, clawed. Because they were dinosaurs. Who have claws.

Shotgun took a deep breath. “What the Boss means to say is, ‘May we take refuge in this fine establishment?’”

Cool raptor opened his mouth to reveal a pistol he’d hidden there. And by hidden I mean replaced his tongue with it.

“You know, for all crap you guys used to give me in the past, I oughta pump you full of lead right here and now. Buuutttt… the lady of the house is present, and I’m not in the mood to create more work on her end. So come on in! You’re just in time for lunch.”

Lest they attract unneeded attention, the three dinosaurs hopped inside.

.   .   .

Lunch was omurice boba tea with a bottle of teriyaki sauce on the side. It was just boba tea, but the boba had been replaced by omurice because F-Bomb hated the flavor of boba, which he likened to rabbit crap. The teriyaki sauce was teriyaki sauce.

It was the most racist thing shotgun had ever eaten.

“Well, now that you jerks have gotten a taste of my sloppy seconds, I suppose some introductions are in order. You’ve already met my lovely wife” Cool raptor gestured to the body pillow seated next to him “So that leaves you two. Mami, meet A-Hole and D-Bag. A-Hole’s got the tommy gun, D-Bag is ridin’ her sawed off shotgun, as always. They’re old… acquaintances of mine.”

“He.” Corrected D-Bag. “I’ve been using he/him pronouns six months now.”

“Well that’s an improvement. Now instead of bein’ the Boss’ side B!tch literally, you’re just his b!tch figuratively!”

“Well screw you too, F-Bomb!” laughed the boss. “An’ speakin’ of screwing, what’s with the fruity get up? You a prostitute now or something?”

 “Even better! This might surprise you, but I’ve got legitimate work now. This here’s my uniform, my uniform for MILF TIDDIES!”

A-Hole chugged his entire bottle of teriyaki sauce in one go, lest his mind implode from the sheer stupidity of that sentence.

“The Hell’s a milf tiddie!?”

“Only the best freakin’ maid café in Hoikaido, hookers!”

He gestured to a wall, covered in hundreds of photos of cute floozies dressed like they were attending a vampire’s funeral. Among them was a photo of F-Bomb in his drag, serving a deep fried hot dog to some elderly Japanese dude.

“As you can see, yours truly is serving Japan’s national desert to none other than 57th Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe!”

“Hold it up. Youse been hobnobbing it with politicians?!”

“I wish! You’re thinking of Shinzo Abe, 57th Prime Minister of Japan. This guy is his twin brother. Still pretty sweet though. We DID win a Grammy for that, after all.”

A-Holes eyes bulged out of his scaly raptor head.

“YOUSE WON A GRAMMY FOR THAT?!”

“Dang right! Milf Tiddies has won sixteen Grammys since I started working there!” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. A very special piece of paper, if the six holes punched into it were any indication. “Did you know that if you win ten Grammys in a row, they give you a free orphan? That’s how the wife and I got our glorious daughter, Lil’ Nagisa!”

F-Bomb pulled a faded photo out of his wallet. A photo showing himself, his pillow wife, and a smaller body pillow of a ten-year-old moeblob wearing a Green Bay Packers cheesehead helmet.

“So youse couldn’t even conceive your own kid?” Inquired D-Bag sexily. He was munching his omurice slowly, so F-Bomb knew he was being serious.

“Are you implying I have sex with my own wife, you sick freak?! I’m a weeaboo, not some degenerate anime fanboy! Get it straight!” He instinctively cocked the pistol in his throat. It was awesome as hell.

In response, D-Bag pumped his shotgun. Loudly.

“Permission to put the sick freak out of his misery, Boss?”

“Firstly, don’t call me Boss when we’re not having anal sex. Second, no can do, my spicy lover. We need F-Bomb alive.”

F-Bomb heard all of this even though A-Hole whispered it, but he pretended not to make A-Hole feel clever.

D-Bag mumbled about how the Boss was lucky he was so mind blowing in the sack, otherwise he would have left the relationship long ago. The sack in this case being a really kinky sex dungeon. Like really kinky. So kinky even Donald Trump wouldn’t go within a mile of it. D-Bag had almost died of autoerotic asphyxiation more times than I’ve gone to the bathroom in my lifetime. That’s why he was the smartest dinosaur out of the three of them. Now where was I again?

Anyway, F-Bomb interrogated

“Alright guys, what’s the deal? I know folks who come to this socialized medical care infested hellhole, and they don’t come here just to eat omurice boba tea. You WANT me for something.”

He cocked his mouth-pistol again. Sparks flew all over the carpet, which was made of alpaca fur so it didn’t catch fire.

A-Hole scandalously kept his cool.

“It’s about Isla Nublar.”

The second those words left A-Hole’s lips, F-Bomb escorted his wife out of the kitchen, but leaned her against the kitchen door, because that’s what she would have wanted.

“Well what about it? I told ya guys, I’m done with that dump.”

“They’re puttin’ the screws on us, F-Bomb. Making us pay for eating those tourists back in the nineties.”

“And what makes you think I care? Like I said, I’m done with that place. I got a wife and kid now.”

“But F-Bomb, doesn’t the Park mean ANYTHING to ya!? What about the time we ate that park ranger that called you a girl? ‘Better than sex’ I recall you saying.”

“Nice try, but I’m not exactly in the mood to get misgendered again. Don’t you guys got any ideas that don’t involve me?”

“As a matter of fact, yours truly had this really spectacular one!”

D-Bag did a hand gesture wherein he constantly crossed his dinosaur claws across his throat rapidly in quick succession. A-Hole, being very smart, knew this meant he should continue, loudly enough so that everyone in the prefecture could hear.

“It was called ‘Trump Ballz’. We’d harvest Donald Trump’s testicles, see, and sell them to the highest bidder, so they could do whatever people do with lopped off testicles. I’m not one to judge. It was a terrific idea. I know because when I told my best friend Donald Trump about it, he said, ‘A-Hole, this is an incredible idea. Absolutely terrific! This is probably the best idea in America! You are very smart, very intelligent dinosaur! I oughta buy you a prostitute!’ Of course, we didn’t realize that Trump’s ballz don’t grow back when you lop them off. Did you know that by the way? Human testicles don’t grow back-“

F-Bomb cocked the pistol inside his throat gain, getting the Boss to shut up. This was probably the most heroic thing anyone had ever done in the history of the universe. He also asked a question:

“SO WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?!”

A-Hole vomited a severed arm and a pamphlet onto the table.

“EVERYTHING, ya WEEB trash!”

The pamphlet was for something called the Doki Idol Live Fest- DILF, for short. F-Bomb was no stranger to the DILF, but they had parted ways years ago. Six, to be exact, when he had buried Nico Yazawa’s still screaming corpse by the side of the highway. And neither was he stranger to the prize.

It looked like a beer and soda drinking baseball cap, but only to complete idiots who didn’t know crap about the Idol Life.

And F-Bomb wasn’t one of those people, er dinosaurs.

“THE MCGUFFIN OF SIN?!”

“Dam* straight! And like it or not, youse the only one with enough idol know-how to help us win it! Thing’s worth, like, a zillion dollars.”

A zillion in this case was equivalent to half a million. Still, isn’t that impressive?

F-Bomb stuck his nose in his omurice and snorted, a common intimidation tactic among velociraptors. I know because I read  it in the Scientific American.

“Sorry, guys, but even with that on the line, no can do. I’m DONE with the Idol Life, any I’m not letting you filthy casuals drag me back in.” He cocked the pistol in his throat. “NOW SCRAM!”

A-Hole and D-Bag jumped out a window, so they could get the jump on a feral dog humping its’ owner. Nobody realized they were dinosaurs because of their fake mustaches, so it looked like a pair of mobsters were eating a puppy.

When they were gone, F-Bomb pranced to the bathroom, which was filled with plush alpacas he had collected over the years. So many, in fact, the bathroom did not meet OSHA compliance. Which was why F-Bomb had made it an independent nation state, only to realize that OSHA didn’t apply to him anyway, since he lived in Japan.

He had felt really stupid after that, but at least he got his own country out of it.

Anyway, he vomited sixteen liters of blood into the sink, for F-Bomb had a secret: he was dying. Back when he was a fetus in an egg in a lab on some island in the Caribean, he’d become addicted to the illegal street drug known as WEEB, and frequent use had poisoned his lungs. The doctors had given him Socialized Medical Care and four more years to live. The WEEB had taken eighty years off his life. Socialized Medical Care had borrowed his lawnmower and never given it back.

But F-Bomb also had a dream: he and his wife were going to build their own maid café, and it would be even better than MILF Tiddies. He’d already picked a title: DILF Tiddies, and it was going to be the greatest food-selling establishment in the history of Japan. Omurice boba tea was going to go global. But he’d never get the funds on time, not on his meager salary. Unless…

His beautiful wife greeted him as he exited the bathroom.

“Get a pen and some razor blades, sweetgums. I’ve got a letter to send.”

.   .   .

The message arrived in the neck of a mailman’s severed head. This is the traditional way velociraptors send letters to each other. I read it in a book.

D-Bag didn’t see the letter, but the look on A-Hole’s face told him everything.

“What’d I tell ya, D-Bag? Like I always say, when you’re dino you’re dino all the way, till youse dead in the ground or youse come out as gay!”

“Yeah, we really need to update those lyrics.”

End Chapter 1

...I cannot for the life of me decide if this is the greatest thing I've ever seen or the worst, but it at the very least had me staring speechless at my computer screen for a long time.

#submission #jurassic park #puella magi madoka magica #pmmm #well then

[butterflyinthewell]

Dad took some steps today. He needed the therapist right there because he was so off balance that he would’ve fallen without support along with his walker. One of his feet is curling sideways and inward because he hasn’t been putting weight on his feet. That will be a problem and he may need a brace to straighten that out. It’s related to the whole “don’t use it and you lose it” aspect of Parkinson’s disease, and I was afraid of this.

I hope he gets to walk again as much as he could before because he will be stuck in one room for the rest of his life if he doesn’t. I think that’s the one incentive that makes him want to get back on his feet. My fear is he will then proceed to get up at night like he was doing when he got hurt in the first place. He still keeps mom awake till 3 and 4am because she’s a people pleaser who will give until she’s dead. Black hole people like my dad love finding bleeding hearts like my mom.

I’ve told mom to just put her foot down and go to bed, but I stayed up once to see what really happens. Dad whines and complains if mom says she’s going to bed. Suddenly he will want to be put on his bedside commode (which takes forever and then you wait for him to go and heave him back into bed), or he will want a sandwich or just anything that makes mom have to be busy on his behalf until she’s wide awake again when she was sleepy enough for bed before.

Just...AUGH...every good thing always comes with shit right behind it.

I think I’m going to ask my counselor or psychiatrist if there’s a way to screen for ptsd. My mental health is in the toilet and I’m having bizarre dreams and nightmares several times a week. My sleep is disrupted now, and that’s never been a thing for me. I’m constantly hyper vigilant. I’m having anger outbursts and the kinds of thoughts that intrude upon my mind are horrible.

If something happens to mom, I am helpless in all the issues that matter. Food, I can figure out, but I’m worse than useless for everything else. I cannot move dad to his commode or wheelchair, and he needs some support to move onto them. I’m too small, he outweighs me by over 100 pounds.

Most of my bad dreams are things happening to my mom, or there’s word that something happened and I can’t get any info on if she’s okay or not. Another kind I have is I’ve contracted COVID, or someone who comes in to see us has it and spreads it, and I’m the only survivor. Other dreams are the body horror type where I amputate my own body parts with a saw and hand them to people because I feel useless. I had one recently where I literally ran up to Hannibal Lecter with a knife and fork and told him to eat me, but he took the silverware away and wouldn’t do it because “no, you’re not rude.” I said I was, but he wouldn’t do it. I was so angry! I was angry about that dream all day!

I don’t believe I deserve anything good and I don’t see myself as a good person. I don’t deserve help.

I’m scared a lot. Just...I can be sitting here watching a cute kitten video on YouTube or eating dinner and get hit with a wave of fear.

None of this is how my mind usually works. I’ve never been in mortal danger(recently), but I’ve had my routines and life disrupted to such severe degrees that I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, and to me that’s almost the same thing as dying. I’m autistic, and autistic people are more prone to trauma from ‘mundane’ things that a neurotypical person wouldn’t flinch at.

I’m just worried the “not life-threatening” aspect will immediately disqualify a diagnosis.

In June 2019, I went into burnout after home health visits for dad threw all my routines away and they’re still getting destroyed by it because they can’t keep a consistent fucking routine.

July that year was my dad getting his DBS batteries replaced. It was sensory hell because I got my period the day of the surgery and spent the whole time nauseated and cramping, but being silent about it...only to get called selfish and horrible for mentioning how bad I felt after we were all home again. (Outpatient surgery)

September 2019, mom’s gallbladder almost blew up and she was rushed to the hospital. I was alone with dad, without warning, and had to function using emergency reserves that I didn’t have because I was in burnout. I ran around terrified that any mistake I made would get me screamed at by both my dad and sister. Mom was out of the house from Friday to Tuesday. Dad did nothing but demand and demand from me and yelled at me for melting down. I was almost out of meds and for awhile didn’t know if or when I would get them. I had to grocery shop with sister’s help and she kept getting upset at me for arranging the cart like mom did, and I ended up forgetting things I needed even though I had a list right in front of my face the whole time. I was that out of it.

An aid had to come bathe dad because mom couldn’t do it for at least six weeks. That happened whenever someone could come, so dinner, my showers and mom’s ability to do things were disrupted by waiting for the call that the aid was coming. Coverage only lasted six weeks and then the help was yanked the second mom was declared fit to lift more than 5 pounds again.

October 2019, our car died and so routines got thrown further out of whack because mom and I had to depend on friends and family for rides to grocery shop or go to church. Trips stopped being at a set time and turned into “whenever someone can drive you” so I was uprooted from my day with little warning, and we didn’t get a new car until early December.

December 2019: We Christmas shopped late because of the car bullshit, mom barely got the cookies baked in time, and it was just a super stressful Christmas season.

I struggled through the death anniversary of my dog because that year he was gone as many years as he had lived and I spent most of it in a disassociated state.

Then mom had her bowel obstruction the day after Christmas and was in the hospital from Friday to Sunday. Yet again she was gone and the routine was blown apart without warning. My sister gave me shit the first time I wore my new ear defenders to the grocery store. Dad did nothing but demand and demand from me when I had nothing. I ruined a dinner that I didn’t know how to cook and went hungry but made him eat leftover ham from Christmas.

January 2020, the COVID shit started on the news.

March 2020, I went to the grocery store with mom and shelves were empty like a nuclear war was coming. I was terrified that I would catch COVID and kill my parents by passing it to them. Church closed. Stores opened for senior hours at butthole o’clock in the morning. Weekend routines were destroyed. Choir practices stopped. More routine disruptions.

August 2020, I started having anniversary distress related to what happened to mom the year before.

Then dad fell and broke his hip. I still clear as day see him in his blue shirt, sitting on the stair chair, being pulled backwards out the front door by paramedics with the ambulance lights flashing red and blue under the midnight sky and white street light.

Late September, as I’m struggling a bit with the anniversary of what happened to mom, worrying about dad getting COVID and beginning to relax because “dad is going to be away till he can walk again...” there comes that phone call from shithole New Orange Hills saying they’re sending him home and we find out they lied to us about every promise they made.

October 2020, dad was brought home and now he’s laying in an electric bed in the family room where mom can hear him if he needs her.

Writing that down has me realizing I’ve been experiencing almost continuous upheavals to my routines. Routines give me a sense of safety, and every time things settle something else throws it all to shit again.

So either I have ptsd or I’m possibly developing it, and I’m scared because this seems so ridiculous compared to the reasons other people get it.

#swearing #dad fall drama #disabled abusers #emotional abuse #food mention #tw menstruation #tw pet death

[bing-fucker]

Goffy 1 (Logan and Remus being dared to have sex) maybe someone thinking would be a actusl challenge since remus is kinda gross and logan is all like "I don't feel anything"

Sure, kitten.

Warnings: Dares to have sex (could be counted as dubious consent), Embarrassment, Public Sex, Dirty Talk, Daddy Kink, Cum Facial, Voyeurism, Deceit, Remus

Truth or dare was always a strange game among the sides. And Logan wasn't often dragged into it, the other sides usually leaving him to his own devices. But, of course, Remus had insisted that Logan join in today.

"Virgil, truth or dare?" Patton asked, grinning at Virgil.

"Dare."

"I dare you to kiss the cutest person in the circle!"

Virgil shrugged and kissed Patton's forehead. "All right. Logan, truth or dare?"

"Dare," Logan answered absently.

Virgil hummed for a second before grabbing Roman, Deceit, and Patton to help think of a dare. They discussed for a while, looking back at Logan and Remus occasionally.

Logan shrugged and went back to reading. Remus frowned and squinted at the others, wondering why he hadn't been included.

"Okay, we've decided," Virgil declared, turning around and looking at Logan. "Logan. I dare you to have sex with Remus."

Remus choked on air, looking at them all in shock. Logan quirked an eyebrow.

Dares like this weren't uncommon among the sides. They were usually given solely for shock value, and a way to get another play to lose the game. It was one of the rules- if you deny a dare, you lose.

But Logan isn't a loser, okay? He doesn't lose. Even if the others are all looking at him, waiting for him to object. And even if it is Remus. Who, admittedly, is someone who is quickly worming his way into Logan's affections, quite ignorant of whether Logan wants him to be there or not. But Remus is, well, gross. He'd probably be into some weird stuff that totally didn't make something stir in Logan's gut. But Logan isn't a quitter.

"Remus, are you adverse?" Logan asked, looking at Remus curiously.

"I- what?" Remus asked, confused. Everyone else seemed just as confused.

"I said, are you adverse to this?" Logan repeated patiently.

"Uhm. No. I'm not adverse." Logan nodded and pulled Remus into a deep kiss.

Remus squeaked in shock, but then eagerly kissed back. Logan winced slightly as Remus' teeth bit into his lip harshly, but eagerly returned it. Remus grinned and pulled Logan into his lap, groping him all over.

Logan pulled away for breath, licking blood and saliva off his lips. Remus whined softly as he pulled away, turning and pushing Logan to lay on the floor.

"I-is this really happening?" Virgil asked faintly, seemingly transfixed by Remus tearing Logan's clothes off and licking his chest wetly.

"I-I think it is," Patton responded, blushing and squirming slightly.

"We should look away, right?" Virgil asked.

"I don't think I can," Deceit replied, licking his lips and leaning closer.

"Yeah, I'm leaving. I don't need to be exposed to this," Roman said, quickly fleeing the room.

Remus grinned and sucked on one of Logan's nipples, grinning up at him. Logan whimpered softly.

"W-watch your teeth," he gasped, struggling with Remus' outfit. "This isn't fair, I'm completely naked, and you're still dressed like if Elphaba was a man."

Remus laughed and stood, quickly taking off his clothes and letting the others get a good look at a naked Logan.

"I didn't think he'd actually do it," Virgil muttered, embarrassed at how hard he was getting. "I mean. It's Remus. And I didn't really think Logan did this sort of thing..."

"Hush," Deceit hissed, leaning back to enjoy the show.

"Hands and knees," Remus purred, flipping Logan around easily. Logan blushed and followed the order, pressing his ass back.

Remus groaned and leaned forward, sloppily sticking his tongue into Logan's entrance and moaning. Logan whimpered softly, arms collapsing at the sudden pressure. He carefully pillowed his head and chest on the floor, hips in the air only because of Remus' harsh grip on them.

"Mmmm," Remus purred, pulling away lightly. "What a juicy butthole~"

"O-oh, hush," Logan panted, shivering as Remus licked up his butt crack. "Will you fuck me already?"

"Awww, does baby want it dry?" Remus teased. "Does baby want daddy's cock inside him that much?"

"Oh, shut up and fuck me," he groaned.

"Call me daddy and I will," Remus giggled, biting Logan's ass cheek and sucking on it harshly.

"O-oh, fuck, fine! Daddy, please, fuck me!" Logan begged, pressing his ass back against Remus.

"Oh, shit," Patton cried out softly, pants darkening as he came.

"How cute," Remus giggled, moving Logan around to face the others as he forced his cock into his hole. "Cute little Patton came just from some foreplay."

Logan gasped and moaned loudly, gripping the floor tightly. "F-fuck, Remus, give me some warning!"

"Sorry, baby," Remus groaned. "Daddy was just so desperate to feel your walls around him."

"Yeah, well, daddy can take a second to warn me," Logan huffed, biting his lip and motioning for Remus to move.

Remus grinned and started fucking Logan brutally. The others all whined softly as Logan drooled and moaned, mouth open as Remus' cock pressed in and out of him.

"Oh, fuck," Deceit purred, rubbing his cocks through his pants as he watched Remus' cock disappear into Logan.

"Oh, fuck," Logan mirrored, his walls tightening around Remus' cock.

Remus moaned softly. "Oh, yeah. Love how you feel, baby. Love how your walls feel, squeezing my cock so tightly. Like you want to trap me inside of you forever. Do you love daddy's fat cock that much?"

"Fuck, yes, daddy," Logan moaned, the title dripping from his lips like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Oh? You really do love daddy's cock that much? Want to live with daddy's cock inside of you, filling you up so perfectly?" Remus moaned as his thrusts became sloppier, his already rhythmless pattern falling apart as he drove his cock further into Logan.

Logan gasped and screamed as Remus nailed his prostate, arching his back. Remus grinned and pulled Logan up onto his knees, letting the others watch as Logan's cock spurted his cum, completely untouched but for a bit of foreplay.

"Ah~ I love you~" Logan screamed as he came, leaning his head on Remus' shoulder.

Virgil whimpered as he came, hiding his face in Patton's shoulder. Deceit groaned and pulled out his cocks, jerking them quickly. Logan watched his hand move, moaning weakly as Remus buried himself as deep into Logan as he could, filling him with his cum.

"Aw, do you want to cum on baby, De?" Remus asked, grinding into Logan's ass lightly. Deceit groaned and nodded faintly. "Is that okay, baby?" Remus moved Logan back to laying down so he could reach Deceit's cocks.

"Yes, daddy," Logan panted, moaning as Deceit came over his face, licking as much up as he could.

Deceit blushed and tucked himself back into his pants. Remus pulled out and fixed himself, helping Logan clean up. "You know, we will have to talk about you saying you love me at some point," he commented softly.

"I know," Logan panted, nuzzling him as he cleaned his face. "Later, though."

"Well," Roman huffed, looking at them all from the stairway. "I guess this means that our game is done?"

[icecreambeach]

a prompt I hope you saw coming: McCree, sunning his butthole

I did my best to live up to this real-life comedy gold.

So this takes place very early on in the gang’s reunion, when they’re still training as a team and Hanzo/Genji are still a little tense with each other. (Hopefully I kind of conveyed that through context clues alone but just wanted to be sure since I didn’t want to spend a lot of time polishing this because I have lol zero time.)

I hope it TAINT bad.    : - D

-

The simulation is set: nine opponents, fourteen hazards and two environments. McCree figures the first will be blizzard—why else would Mei be up in the box, waving down at them with that innocent smile?—but he has no clue on the second.Probably it has something to do with Genji, since he’s over half an hour late.

“It’s not like him,” mutters Angela, a little too opaque to show any judgment.Hanzo’s judgment, however, is very clear; he snorts loud enough for even Winston to look over, and he’s all the way up in the box with Mei.“I’m sure he’s just puttin’ the finishing touches on things,” Jesse drawls, nudging his boot into the concrete to scratch an itch on his heel.

“My brother is not one for keeping to a schedule,” says Hanzo. The effort to keep any bitterness out of his tone must’ve been monumental.

Jesse’s a quickdraw with more than a gun, so he’s a little miffed when Reinhardt gets to be magnanimous before he can: “I have seen people change in greater ways and in far less time  than in our Genji.” He clasps a hand on Hanzo’s shoulder and Jesse feels even more miffed when the archer doesn’t bristle and brush Reinhardt away like his usual character would dictate. “Perhaps he will surprise you.”

Hanzo seems to hum and cough at the same time. Reinhardt takes his hand back and Jesse licks his teeth behind his lips. “Dunno ‘bout that, Rein. Dickin’ off to meditate is still dickin’ off.”But both Reinhardt and Hanzo give him looks of disappointment and displeasure, respectively. Jesse coos out air like the room is getting hot, looking up at nothing, then turns instead to Angela, who is masterfully ignoring the entire situation.

“You get those new bio-shots in yet, doc?”“Not yet. But the shipment should come any day now. It’s not unusual for that kind of order to take so long. I once tried to have two gallons of e-CTM delivered to a safe house in Bucharest and the driver—”“Oh thank Christ,” Jesse mutters when Genji jogs into the room.“Forgive my lateness,” says Genji. “Torbjorn had not yet finished our suits.”The whole team squints at him. “Suits?” says Reinhardt.

Genji sets down twin crates and hits a button on their sides to let them snap open. “Winston wanted me to set the environment today, so I decided on fire.”Hanzo scoffs even louder than before. Jesse gets the feeling there’s some joke he’s not in on.Reinhardt, ever doe-eyed, persists: “fire?”“Yes. But these suits are not fire-repellant. They are fire-attractive.”Angela actually sounds intrigued, if a tad apprehensive: “come again?”“They will attract fire.” Genji takes out a suit and holds it up; it looks like a Tour de France onesie, only with far shorter shorts. Jesse thinks he’d be shocked if they even cleared his inner thighs. “Particularly to the torso and head.”“Gotta be shittin’ me,” mutters Jesse, turning away, spurs clicking.“Ridiculous,” rumbles Hanzo.“I do not see why I deserve such dissent,” Genji says, his robotic voice a lofty, melodic drawl. “I have designed this course to mimic the eventuality of a burning building. Something most of you would have difficulty overcoming,” he adds with a carefree lilt and tilt of his head. He leans towards the room com link on the wall and holds down the button, carrying his voice to the box above as well as the entire room. “Winston, Mei—you’ll find the simulation code under command 12-A.”

“If you are selecting an environment in which you are already an expert,” Hanzo drawls back, his own voice the total opposite of carefree, “then what is the point of your participating?”“It will still be a challenge for me. I have not been in the position of having to assist other teammates during a battle for a long time.”“Yes,” Hanzo crosses his arms, and Jesse pre-winces before the man even finishes, “Your position is more often far behind enemy lines, getting yourself injured and then calling for help.”Genji crosses his arms, too, though he keeps his tone light. “Now, brother. That was long ago.”“So that has never happened, then?” Hanzo quickly fixes his intense gaze on Angela, who hesitates just one second too long; Hanzo looks back at Genji with the most superior smirk Jesse has ever seen.Genji rolls back one shoulder, seemingly unperturbed. It’s hard to tell with the mask. “Overwatch is based on teamwork. We have all been in the position of requiring help from time to time. That is the reality of working with others—something that you, perhaps, could benefit to learn.”“I have worked in groups many times, as you are well aware.”“And the general of a group, what is their position, often?”“I do not have to explain myself to you.”“No, you just need to adhere to the new order of things.”“You should adhere to—”“I can’t wear that!”Everyone turns to look at Jesse.

The gunslinger clears his throat—he hadn’t really meant to shout—and squares his hips towards Genji. “I can’t put that on.”Genji lowers his arms and puts one hand on his hip, obviously sensing another mutineer. “And why not?”“There’s no way those things ain’t gonna ride up my groin like they’re goin’ for a chokehold. You ever see those boxer-briefs where the legs are just a tad too short on a guy with big thighs? Turn into tighty-whities before you can—”“Oh, please,” says Angela, barely suppressing an amused, if a little grossed-out grin. “I’ve seen you wear far more uncomfortable things for a mission, Jesse. It will only be for a couple hours.”“Certainly!” Reinhardt half-lifts his axe, “Remember those wet-suits in the North Sea? I could hardly breathe! And we were in those all day. Also, my thighs are far—”“Well I wasn’t dealin’ with localized bodily damage at the time, Rein.”“Damage?” Angela looks him up and down. “Are you hurt?”“Naw,” Jesse pulls the brim of his hat down, which he quickly realizes he should not have done, because most of them know him well enough to take that as a clear signal that he is hiding something. “I mean… not in any… it wouldn’t interfere.”

“It seems to be interfering now,” says Genji.“Jesse, if you are injured, you cannot just keep it to yourself. What if we had to ship out today?”“Tell us what it is, Jesse,” says Winston over the room com. “Better to take care of it now.”“It don’t need takin’ care of!” Jesse grumbles, his voice growing louder without his consent. “I just… I can’t be wearin’ shit like that.”Genji looks at the suit still in his hand, then slowly back at Jesse, who feels all the hairs on his arms stand up. “Is it a…” He gestures vaguely to his own pelvic area.“No! Jesus. I mean… not in the way you’re…”

Jesse’s throat closes up as he realizes the deep, deep hole he’s dug under his own feet. Everyone is staring at him with varying levels of suspicion, except for Hanzo, whose face looks more like… alarm? Apprehension?

Jesse sighs. Just get it over with.

He mumbles under his breath.“Sorry?” says Angela. Genji takes a step closer.“I sun-burned my perinmhihmm,” Jesse mutters a little louder, still barely legible.“Wait,” says Genji, who physically removes the com-link from the wall and holds it up to Jesse’s mouth, holding down the button so that his voice echoes like God’s judgment. “Can you just,” the cyborg almost trips over his barely-suppressed laughter, “Can you repeat that please Jesse?”Jesse stares him dead in his green-lit visor and, in his most confident drawl, announces to the entire room: “my pucker hole is crazy burned.”

The laughter hits them all differently: Genji’s head flies backwards with a sharp bark that dissolves into ludicrous snorting, Reinhardt brays one loud note that bounces off the walls again and again, Angela covers her mouth and laughs until Jesse sees her whole face turn red, and Hanzo, also hiding his mouth with his hand, lets his chuckles mostly just shake around inside his chest. He’s the only one who doesn’t look away from Jesse.

“Alright.” Jesse looks up towards the box where Mei is leaning over a console as if having a heart attack and Winston is trying to make sure she’s okay through his own chortling. “Alright, now. Ain’t that goddamn funny.”“Are you shitting me?” Genji, barely able to stay upright, shakes his open hand fingertips-first at Jesse, “How? How could that have possibly happened?”“It’s… it’s a type a’yoga! Shit. You never heard of it?” Jesse puts his hands on his hips, decides he might as well own it. “S’called ‘perineum sunning.’” While Genji collapses into laughter all over again, he goes on, “S’all about absorbing the sun into your body through your… your grundle.” Genji is almost on the floor now, repeating the word ‘grundle’ to himself like it’s a holy mantra. “I been having, y’know, trouble sleepin’ and the like… thought it’d boost my auric field with the power o’the sun and whatnot. Keep my life force from leaking out and all.”Now Genji is repeating ‘leaking’ to himself in a very high-pitched voice while Angela, bless her, manages enough self-control to speak. “Joking aside… Jesse, that does sound serious. Have you… done anything…?”“No! What am I supposed to do? Stick a biotic emitter up there and hope for the best?”“N-no,” says Angela, still fighting giggles but blessedly stepping in front of Reinhardt and Genji, who are both using Reinhardt’s hammer as a kind of crutch for their hysterics. “But some burn ointment may help. Do you have any aloe vera?”Jesse snorts. “Yeah… probably in my kit somewhere.”“You should apply some. Perhaps… perhaps you should sit out this session to do so. We can… ping Lucio to replace you.”“God, yes, please,” Genji wheezes, “Please let’s bring Lucio out here.”Fully aware that Lucio is not really an appropriate replacement for what he brings to the table, Jesse grumbles a thank-you and turns heel for the door. But right before he exits (since Genji and Reinhardt are still laughing), he sticks his head back in to add: “it’s an ancient fuckin’ Taoist practice!”

-

An hour later, someone knocks at Jesse’s door. He almost ignores it, but at the second knock—faster, snappier—he gets up to at least see who it is. If it’s Genji and Lucio come to taunt him, he can at least open the door with his gun in his hand.But it’s Hanzo, standing all regal with his hands resting inside his kimono jacket. Obviously still amused but doing a good job of trying to hide it. A much more welcome sight, despite everything.

Jesse taps the door command and leans on the frame with as much swagger as he can muster. “Well hey there. Sim went by kinda quick, huh?”“Yes,” says Hanzo, those perfectly-shaped lips toying with a smirk, “It was difficult to achieve adequate team cohesion after your… announcement.”“Well, ain’t my fault we’re workin’ with a couple’a gigglin’ frat boys,” Jesse sighs, stepping aside.

The door hisses shut behind Hanzo, who immediately walks to the console. “Athena, cease surveillance of this room. Command three dash eight hundred and four.”“Confirmed,” says Athena.“Still don’t know how you managed to swipe Winston’s command codes,” chuckles Jesse.“It was a crime of necessity.” Hanzo comes up close, presses against Jesse’s front. Chin tipped up to smirk at him. “I don’t want anyone seeing or hearing what I do to you.”Jesse opens his mouth to agree, but Hanzo seizes that opportunity to plant his own mouth there, tugging down on the gunslinger’s chin to line them up. Their arms wrap, their bodies slot, and Jesse lets out a low rumble of pleasure. Hanzo kisses him slower and warmer than he has yet and the effect is melting. Time goes still and Jesse swears he hears a bird singing.

“Wha,” Jesse clears his throat, when it’s over, looks down at Hanzo from heavy-lidded eyes. “What was that for?”“For lying for me,” Hanzo hums. “I will admit,” He playfully unbuttons Jesse’s flannel shirt, “That was the most unorthodox way of getting out of having to show a hickey I have ever heard of, but I commend your creativity.”“Huh?”Hanzo gently pats Jesse’s cheek, still smiling. “Stay with me, cowboy. I appreciate you keeping our time together a secret. I do not know how the others would have reacted if they saw what I did to your thighs.”“Oh.” Jesse takes a half-step back, still loosely holding Hanzo by the elbow with one hand while the other scratches at a side-burn. “Well… yeah, Han. I know you wanna keep things quiet for now.”“It is for both our benefit,” Hanzo mutters into Jesse’s jaw. “It is… I have never done this before. Nothing like this. I want to take things slowly.”“O’course. I mean, I… y’know I’ve had a shaky run of things, too. Though I’d yell it from the top of the rock this afternoon, if you gave the go-ahead.”Hanzo chuckles, that warm, resonant rumble that Jesse is already falling a little bit in love with. “Perhaps someday.”As he goes to kiss down Jesse’s throat, the gunslinger coughs a little. “Well, there’s… I mean, there’s that, but…”Hanzo’s smile fades as he blinks up at Jesse. A shadow of worry crosses his face and Jesse’s heart spasms in pain. “But what?”Jesse sighs again, only with ten times more despair than in the simulation room.“But I really did burn my pucker hole.”There’s a moment in which Hanzo just stares with gently widened eyes, as if he doesn’t understand. Then a bubble of disbelieving laughter makes his chest contract. “You…” More chuckles bubbles up and Jesse thinks it’d be damn endearing, the way this usually self-controlled man can’t hold back his laughter, if he didn’t feel a very real burn of embarrassment spreading across his own face. Not to mention the burn between his ass cheeks.“You what?” Hanzo asks, as if he is really trying to give Jesse the benefit of the doubt here.

“I went down on you for nigh on an hour yesterday on the top of a cliff with my bare ass pointed at a 3pm sun in the goddamn Mediterranean, Han! What did you think was gonna happen?” Jesse pauses, his eyes fly off somewhere up and to the left, then come back to Hanzo with his tone even higher-pitched: “and you don’t think I’d come up with a better lie than that if I had to!?”

“I didn’t… I am sorry, I did not…” Hanzo is practically choking, his hand slapped up over his mouth again.Jesse sighs. He looks at Hanzo, with his shaking shoulders and his bouncing bang-hair, and a rueful half-smile breaks through his irritation. “S’okay, darlin’. You can laugh. It’s funny.”Then Hanzo lets out a bark of laughter even louder and grander than Genji’s, his head tossing back in a very similar fashion. His hands tremble as they hold onto Jesse’s shirt flaps for dear life. The sight is almost enough to make Jesse forget about the horrible, horrible pain.It’s not long before the archer comes back down to earth. “I,” Hanzo starts, wiping away a tear, “I am deeply sorry for this… for your…”“Yeah, yeah.” Jesse adjusts the waistband of his loose sweatpants, which is about the only article of clothing his ass can stand now. “Never gonna live this one down, y’know that? Genji’s probably gonna bring it up at my goddamn funeral.”“I apologize,” Hanzo says, both hands still holding onto Jesse’s shirt. “Why did you not say something sooner?”“Couldn’t find the right words, I guess.”“‘My pucker hole is crazy burned’ now seem like the only right words.”Jesse scoffs and rolls his eyes and cackles into his hand, then winces as the movement makes his thighs shift too much. Suddenly he turns boyish: “it really hurts, sweetheart.”Then Hanzo draws forward with a sound like a low, rough coo, and smoothes out Jesse’s shirt. “If you are truly in need,” his eyes sweep up to Jesse’s and Jesse can’t express how much that adds to his downstairs discomfort, “I can assist you with that aloe vera.”“Really, Han, you ain’t gotta—”“I insist. It is the least I can do after your…” Hanzo gets closer, smirks with those cat-like eyes dangerously narrowed, “…Skilled favors.”Jesse feels a very different kind of burning and chuckles, looking off to the side. “Aww, Han. I don’t think that’ll be as enjoyable as you’re makin’ it sound…”“I will make it enjoyable.” He lowers his hand and palms over Jesse’s cock to prove his point. Licks Jesse’s bottom lip into his mouth and lets it slide out between his teeth.Well, shit. “Alright,” Jesse sighs, “You insisted and all.”

“Mmm,” Hanzo purrs, still rubbing Jesse through his sweats. “And do not worry about Genji. I know many stories of his that more than overshadow yours.”“As nice as that is, darlin’, I really don’t wanna talk about your brother right now.”“Then stop talking and get on the bed.”

#prompt #mchanzo #asks #robocryptid #my pucker hole is crazy burned #robo-cryptid

[angst-for-the-angst-queen]

YOU Get Some Crofter's, And YOU Get Some Crofter's!

Sanders Sides Fanfic

Originally posted on Wattpad on February 25th, 2020.

Summary: It’s the last day of filming for the newest Sanders Sides video. Roman is still jealous that Crofter’s named the Logan’s Berry jam after Logan, so he decides to make his own Crofter’s flavor.

Warning(s): Crude humor.

Roman stretched as he walked into the Mind Palace’s kitchen, adding a little extra wrist flick as he did so. “Fantastical morning, Logan!”

The knowledgeable Side looked up from his breakfast, putting down his utensil and pushing up his glasses as he did so. “Good morning, Roman. It is quite unusual to see you this sprightly so early in the morning. You aren’t even usually conscious until Patton informs you that breakfast is ready. What are you doing up now?”

The prince opened the refrigerator door with a flourish, turning away from his fellow Side and focusing on the task of figuring out what to eat for breakfast. “Oh, the last day of filming for the newest Sanders Sides video is today, as you know. I thought that it would be a good idea if I woke up earlier than usual so that way I would be at my peak acting ability in time for the video, which would benefit both Thomas and myself greatly.”

Logan picked up his eating utensil again. “As I have discussed in a previous video, it is essential that one falls asleep and wakes up at the same time every day so the body releases adrenaline an hour before it’s time to get up. By getting up earlier than normal, your adrenaline most likely didn’t release at the correct time, making you more tired and therefore backfiring on your plan.”

“Oh, shut up Encyclopædia Boretannica,” Roman retorted, slamming the door to the fridge shut when he failed to find anything of interest to eat. “If you haven’t noticed, I am just as energetic as I normally am.”

“If by ‘energetic’ you mean ‘excessive,’ then no, I haven’t noticed. The brain ignores repetitive sensory input, and your actions are consistently exaggerated.”

Roman turned around in order to properly respond to Logan’s retort when he froze, noticing for the first time the gelatinous sustenance Logan was putting into his mouth. “We still have that?! I thought they sold out more than a year ago!”

Logan swallowed the food he currently had in his mouth before he turned his attention onto the container of Logan’s Berry jam in front of him. “Indeed we do. The Mindscape doesn’t reside in the real world, meaning it doesn’t follow the scientific principles I know and cherish. I can just conjure up a new container of Logan’s Berry jam whenever I want, even though it no longer exists outside of Thomas’ mind.”

Roman slid into the seat across the table from Logan, pouting. “I still can’t believe that they made the jam about you.”

Logan, who was about to put another spoonful of jam into his mouth, stopped and lowered the spoon to the container’s opening. “You’re still distraught over it?”

Roman replied to the teacher’s question with a sullen nod.

“Emotions,” Logan muttered with disgust under his breath. Of course this problem was caused by emotions. He was clueless as to how to console Roman, so he tried the next best thing: a logical solution.

“Couldn’t you just conjure up your very own version of Crofter’s Jam? You are Creativity, after all.”

Roman’s eyes widened, and he leapt out of his seat. “That’s an amazing idea Logan! How do you come up with these ideas? Why are you so smart?!”

Logan pulled his flashcards out of his pocket and began rifling through them. There was one he was saving for this very situation, when one of the Sides admitted his intelligence. Finding it, he held it up and read it out loud. “Yeah, it’s big brain time.”

Roman stared at Logan in disbelief. “I immediately take back what I said.”

Logan just raised one eyebrow and put his flashcards away. “You can’t take back words. They aren’t physical objects.”

Roman held up a finger dismissively in Logan’s direction. “I’m not listening to you anymore. Let me focus on making my own Crofter’s Jam flavor!”

He held his hands under his chin and stared at the table in complete concentration. After a few seconds, a small container appeared on the surface with a small popping noise, which Roman snatched up. He examined the jar and its red contents before holding it towards Logan with a smile. “Behold! Royal Raspberry!”

Logan studied the jam before returning his gaze back to Roman. “Raspberry? Really? I would have expected Creativity to be able to come up with something more... creative.”

Roman pouted as he summoned a spoon into his hand. “Well, I’m sorry that my favorite jam flavor is raspberry! I can enjoy the simple things in life, you know.” He opened the jam and tasted it with his spoon. “And it tastes divine, even more so than yours.”

Before Logan could reply, a certain energetic Side bounded into the room, followed by another Side who followed with slouched shoulders and his hands in his pockets. “Hey, kiddos! What’s this talk of Crofter’s I hear?”

Roman proudly held up the jam. “I got my own Crofter’s flavor!”

“Congrats, Roman!” Patton exclaimed, leaning against the counter. “Did Thomas get another partnership?”

“I doubt it,” Virgil countered from where he was sitting on top of the table. “I would have known instantly, as Thomas would have become stressed out over the prospect of making a unique promotion video like ‘Crofter’s: The Musical.’”

Logan studied Virgil’s location before deciding to ignore it for now. “There is no reinitiated partnership between us and Crofter’s. Roman just realized that he could conjure up his own Crofter’s flavor.”

“That’s pretty cool!” Patton replied. “Will you teach me how to do it? I want to try.”

“Just conjure an object like we usually do, but in your mind, imagine the flavor and label design that  you want. It may be a bit harder for you since you’re not Creativity like I am,” Roman explained.

Patton plopped into a seat at the table. If objects were impacted by the focus of one’s gaze, a hole would have been burned into the table. After about thirty seconds, the bright blue jam popped into existence, which Patton scooped up and presented proudly. “Look! Dad’s Blue Raspberry Delight!”

Virgil gazed at the jam curiously. “Blue raspberry? Like the blue flavor for ICEEs and AirHeads?”

Roman gasped. “How dare you?! First you hijack my joke, now you’re stealing my jam flavor?!”

Patton’s smile fell slightly. “I’m sorry, Roman. I didn’t realize it was your flavor. I couldn’t see the label from where I was.”

Noticing Virgil’s intense glare aimed at him, Roman quickly made amends. “It’s alright, Padre. You put your own little twist on it.”

Logan adjusted his tie. “Patton did indeed put his own style on his jam. He decided to use Rubus leucodermis, while you used Rubus idaeus.”

“English please,” Virgil sighed.

“Whitebark raspberries vs red raspberries,” Logan added, pushing up his glasses before looking over at Virgil. “And are you alright? You are, and I quote, ‘sitting on a surface that isn’t meant to be sat on.’”

“I’m fine,” Virgil said quickly. “Just worried about the last day of filming.” After a pause, Virgil slipped off the table and landed on a chair. “I want to try.”

Everyone observed Virgil as he focused on the table for a minute before the jar appeared. Virgil looked at it for a second before spinning it around so everyone could see the purple jam.

Roman leaned forward in order to read the label. “Failure Figs?”

Patton looked disapprovingly in Virgil’s direction. “If you’re implying anything about yourself with that name, I will get my hands on that jam and change the name to Fun Figs.”

Virgil threw his hands into the air in exasperation. “I wasn’t saying anything negative about myself!”

“Then what did you mean?” Patton asked.

The anxious Side fidgeted in his seat. “Well, I thought that whenever I’m feeling down, I could eat some of that to remind myself that not all failure is bad. It’s a stupid coping mechanism, I know…”

Logan inhaled the rest of his jam and licked his lips before refocusing on Virgil. “That is a perfectly reasonable coping strategy, Virgil. It would be considered an emotion-focused coping strategy, as you’re changing how you feel about the events occurring around you in order to alleviate some stress.”

“Oh. That’s cool, I guess,” Virgil muttered. He opened the jar and sampled a little with his index finger. “Hey, this actually tastes pretty-“

“Sup, b****es!” a certain trash man shrieked, bursting into the kitchen, Deceit sauntering in behind him.

Virgil shot bolt upright in his chair, hissing.

“What are they doing here?!” Roman asked.

“Now, now, Remus. What have I said about inappropriate language?” Patton admonished.

Remus scrunched his face up in thought, before exclaiming “Sup, buttholes!”

“Well, that is better,” Patton admitted.

“What. Are. They. Doing. Here?!” Virgil repeated Roman’s question, louder this time.

“I have no idea, don’t ask me,” Logan responded.

Virgil looked at Roman, but he was too busy staring down his twin. With a sigh, he turned to Patton. “Patton, do you know why they’re-”

“Of course I do!” Patton chirped happily. “I invited them here for breakfast!”

Silence filled the kitchen, which Virgil interrupted with a poignant “Why?”

“Well, kiddo,” Patton replied. “Since the Sanders Sides video that we’re all working on right now is about making peace with the Dark Sides, I thought that it would be a good idea if we actually attempted to do so! They’re coming over every Friday morning to have breakfast with us! I’m calling it ‘Fun FamILY Fridays.’”

“We’re all going to have ssso much fun together,” Deceit stated with a sly smile.

Virgil stared at Patton in disbelief. “Patton, when you promised Thomas that you would try not to have a knee jerk reaction to Remus anymore, I didn’t expect that you would literally invite him and his scaly pal over for brunch.” 

“Calm down, depresso-espresso,” Roman remarked. “Maybe making peace with them won’t be such a bad thing. It is the whole point of this new video, after all. There’s a reason why we’re making it.”

“I agree with Roman’s and Patton’s logic, strangely enough,” Logan admitted.

“Don’t worry, Virgil. Nothing will go wrong,” Deceit reassured him.

“That isn’t comforting at all, considering that it’s coming from Deceit!” Virgil shot back.

Before the conflict could escalate into a full blown fight, Patton snatched up his Dad’s Blue Raspberry Delight jam. “Do you two want to make your own Crofter’s Jam flavor?”

Remus, who was busy watching the bitter staring contest occurring between the current and former Dark Sides, turned to look at the moral Side. “What?”

“Do you want to make your own Crofter’s flavor?” Patton asked hopefully. “Roman, Virgil, and I made our own this morning.”

“Sounds interesting,” Deceit scoffed, “but I’ll bite.”

“Wait, what?! No!” Virgil exclaimed. “Get out of here, you slippery snake!”

Patton ignored his son. “Just focus on conjuring a jar filled with jam of your desired flavor and decorating it with your own creative label.”

Deceit placed his chin on his hands, his gaze focused on the table. After about forty-five seconds, a jar filled with yellow jam appeared, instantly filling the kitchen with a noxious odor. Patton winced, Roman pinched his nose shut with two fingers, Virgil hid the bottom half of his face in his jacket, Logan’s nose twitched, and Remus cackled.

Patton hesitantly picked up the jar and looked at the label. “Durian’s Deceit? Is your name Durian?”

“Yes,” Deceit responded, rolling his eyes and snatching the jar back. He then opened the jam and tasted it.

Princey blanched. “How are you able to eat that?!”

Virgil snorted. “Well, you are what you eat.”

“Actually, the durian fruit doesn’t taste poorly, like its unsavory scent would imply,” Logan corrected. “It’s well known for smelling disgusting, yet it’s actually quite delicious.”

“Which is why it’s deceitful!” Patton finished. “Good one, Deceit!”

Deceit opened his mouth to respond, but he was interrupted by the deodorant-eating Side, who had made his jam during the commotion. He held it out for everyone to see. “Mine is Forbidden Fruit! It contains apples, peaches, and eggplants.”

Deceit rolled his eyes while Virgil facepalmed and Roman tried to hold in a chuckle. Logan cleared his throat before remarking “I should hope that it’s at least cooked eggplant, as raw eggplant can cause an upset stomach. However, the part we eat isn’t poisonous like the general public tends to believe.”

“Well, eggplant is an odd choice, but you do you kiddo!” Patton added on.

In response to Patton’s statement, Virgil hit his head on the table.

Patton turned on Virgil faster than dogs chase their tails. “You hurt yourself again, and I will physically fight you!” he warned.

Virgil flipped his hood on. “Your innocence is painful sometimes.”

Ignoring the commotion between Patton and Virgil, Remus whipped out an empty deodorant container and began the process of scooping the jam out of the jar, plopping it into the container, and compacting it down. Deceit and Roman instantly teamed up in order to get him to stop, while Virgil began explaining Remus’ thought process behind his jam flavor to Logan.

Patton surveyed the chaos. While this breakfast wasn’t the best the fatherly Side could have hoped for, it was still better than some of the other meals he and his fellow Light Sides shared in the past. Overall, he was just happy the kitchen wasn’t on fire.

Fun FamILY Fridays can only improve from here, Patton thought to himself hopefully. Leaving the rest of the Sides to their own devices, he began cooking breakfast for them all while thinking optimistically about the future.

#sanders sides #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #thomas sanders fanfiction #sanders sides fanfiction #crude humor #my writing

[mariisseething]

Analyzing Hero Costumes: Girls of Class 1-A

My obsession has spiraled out of control. Let me roast analyze these babes. I’m dumb. I’m tired. I’m gay. Let’s do this.

Warning: I’m a cynical, lazy-ass critic with no consistent taste. Don’t expect a fair analysis.

(This is just for fun, please don’t get mad at me for being an undereducated weeb! I went into writing this with only the knowledge I’ve obtained through watching the show and reading the manga. I don’t know everything about the costumes, and I don’t want to either)!

Ashido Mina (Pinky)

Babe, imma be frank here.

I love her, but—

that shit ugly.

Funcionality: Mina’s quirk (Acid) comes from her hands and feet. If I remember correctly, she has passages in her shoes that her...foot..acid.....can pass through, and her hands are fully exposed. So her costume is “practical”, and works with her quirk.

Design: As I said before, that shit ugly. The body suit has the worst pattern and color combination I’ve ever seen. (Like if Sully from Monster’s Inc. was turned into a cow and hated it). Her tiddies should be popping out any second now, which isn’t great. Her weird armpit vest with it’s stupid fluffy collar is quite reminiscent of Hawks’ jacket, which leads me to believe that their costumes were made by the same designer. (Many of the designers in the BNHA universe put calling-cards in their costumes). Her white mask is pointless, but at least it matches the fluff on her collar. Her boots, though they have a purpose, are ugly as sin. The pale yellow doesn’t match any other piece in the ensemble, and the Dabi-scar colored purple makes me sad. Hate that.

Total Score: 2/10

Her costume does almost nothing to enhance her quirk, and it’s hideous. The only reason it got two points was because of the shoe holes, and the possibility that it’s connected to my boy Hawks.

Seriously, this is some Seasame Street lookin-ass bullshit.

No hate on Mina, she’s lovely, but her taste is atrocious. (see: her bedroom).

Asui Tsuyu (Froppy)

Okay, okay bitch I see you.

I’m here for this.

Funcionality: Tsu’s quirk (Frog) requires a decent amount of flexibility from clothing. Spandex works for that I guess. Normally, I would automatically fail this costume for having goddamn toe “socks”, but for Tsuyu they’re nessecary. Having her individual toes chiseled out helps her grip onto shit when she’s kicking ass. It looks like her gloves are attached to her body suit, which is rad, but I’m not sure what the purpose of that waist belt-thing is. If anything, the chunky pieces of her costume would make it harder for her to swim. I also have no fucking clue what that head piece is. I once thought they were like binoculars or something, but she’s never put them on her face so...they wouldn’t fit....on her face..huh.....I’m so stupid bro.

Design: Lets start with a positive, the color scheme slaps. Everything goes together, and the dark green even matches her hair. The bodysuit has a cool structure, and I can definitely appreciate the slight turtleneck and boot-esq feature; however, the chunky wrist pieces, belt, neck/chest-thing, and head piece confuse me. I guess they’re there for fashion, gutter fashion. Shitty crap face fashion. Ugly butthole fashion. FILTH! I need to calm down holy shit—

Total Score: 6/10

The look honestly only lost points for the random ass statement pieces. Water terrains are Tsuyu’s specialty, and a clunky outfit would certainly slow her down underwater.

The toe shit, turtleneck, thigh-high “boots”, and color scheme are pretty dope though.

(Also, she only has three toes but frogs have four).

(My Hero Academia: Cancelled).

Hagakure Toru (Invisible Girl)

So, here’s the real question.

Is she naked?

Short answer: I dunno.

Funcionality: So she’s invisible, right? A good costume would emphasize that. I can only assume she wears the boots and gloves for comfort and so her allies can see where she is. If she wants to go full invisible, she just has to take them off. At one point, it was confirmed that she was topless during the sports festival, but we’ve had no further updates on her costume. A few people have theorized that her costume is made of her hair (assuming she has hair). We know that this is possible, as Mirio’s costume is made of his hair so he can remain clothed while his quirk is activated. The only issue would be making an outfit out of something you can’t see. If I were Toru, I would choose to fight nude because, I-uh...hmm, I-I can do what I want SHUT UP!

Design: There’s not much to critique here. The shade of blue on her gloves is cute, and the pink stripes don’t make much of an impact. The shoes are just about the most boring thing I’ve ever seen, like why are they beige??? What are they supposed to match? I just—ugh, beige??? What the fuck Horikoshi...smh.

Total Score: 5/10

Since we don’t know if the “hair-costume” thing is canon, I can’t rate it any higher. If that is true, it would be an 7/10. The outfit does its job, but I’m bored and beige sucks.

(Btw I don’t trust her...)

(Sketchy chick right here).

(Sketchy chick with some ugly-ass beige shoes).

Jirou Kyouka (Earphone Jack)

Aww.

She’s cute!

Look at her little face, d’awwwweeeeee!

Funcionality: The lovely Kyouka’s quirk (Earphone Jack), makes absolutely no sense to me. Like, I get that she can hear better and can eavesdrop really well, but how does she...make loud noises??? With the speakers??? Plugging earbuds into a speaker doesn’t make............noise, and the speakers aren’t part of her body. Whatever, back to the analysis. The speakers on her hands and calves amplify sound somehow, and her earlobes are exposed. It’s works.

Design: The speaker boots are basic, but acceptable. She’s got some comfy looking black pants, and a trendy salmon-colored top. Her jacket is iconic, and she’s wearing a choker. (+1,000,000 points for that). The white gloves don’t match shit, but they’re fingerless so I’ll let it slide. Her headphones almost match....meh. I don’t care. (+10 for the face paint).

Total Score: 8/10

Listen, I’d give her a 10 but this costume just isn’t....gimmicky, enough for me? She’s a superhero for fucksake! Now’s the time to dress your goddamn best! The look is practical, and seems to be her taste, I just disagree with her choices. Sue me. I’d either wanna fight in the wackiest most dangerous getup you’ve ever seen, or completely naked. Either way, I’m getting arrested. Jirou needs to get on my fucking level.

Uraraka Ochaco (Uravity)

I don’t know boys,

it seems like she might be...

round.

Fuck sharp angles!

Funcionality: Ochaco’s quirk (Zero Gravity) only requires her hands to work. More specifically, her fingertips. Uh, yeah those are some nude fingertips. *Ahem* moving on. Actually wait, since she often uses her quirk on herself it would be helpful for her to eliminate as much extra weight as possible, so I’m hoping that all of the accessories are hollow. They better be, or I’m gonna start throwing hands with Kohei Horikoshi.

Design: When Ochaco first got her hero costume she was surprised by how tight it was, even saying that it wasn’t supposed to be that tight. Bitch, how could it have been loose? I don’t...fuck it. I like the colors, I like the boots a lot actually, but who cares about that, I wanna talk about her fucking chastity belt. Who she keepin out? (Jesus Christ she’s a child, tone it down Mari). Do you think it’s comfortable to walk around with a chunk of plastic on your crotch?! I don’t know, seriously, is it? Maybe she’s trying to hide something...a hip dip perhaps?! Jk hip dips are stupid, that’s how bones work, don’t be ashamed. Her wrist...spheres... have handles on them, no comment, and whereas I usually LOVE chokers—that one is stupid and I hate it. Curvy little shit.

Total Score: 8/10

I like it overall, but some things are just too strange to overlook. (i.e. the chastity belt, wrist cuff handles, and the ugly choker). This costume doesn’t really scream Uraraka to me either. It’s a bit unoriginal to me.

I just don’t love it.

(Why are her fists clenched? Is she trying to fight? I could snap her like the twig she is and steal her girlfriend).

(Assuming she has one).

Yaoyorozu Momo (Creati)

Oohooohohohoho

hooohohoho

hoooooo mAN do I have some WORDS for this one!

Funcionality: Momo’s quirk (Creation) does require quite a bit of skin to be exposed, but I’m not sure why that skin HAS to be her boobs. She’s got thighs, a stomach, a back, an upper chest, and arms. Why do her Russian nesting dolls have to come out of her tiddies??? Okay, actually, she doesn’t make that many things with her tits. So....why’re they out? This costume definitely lets her quirk run wild, maybe too much.

Design: The red is pretty, and I can tolerate the sandy yellow. Her shoes are unimportant, so let’s just gloss over those. Now, WHAT is that thing? A makeshift, tan colored, plastic tube mini...skirt? I know she has a shelf on her ass that she carries books on, but doesn’t she have a cellphone? Google? Can’t she just remember the molecular make-up of a cannon? (Because she only makes cannons now for some reason). Have we ever even seen her reading those books? Can she read? A large portion of her midsection/chest is exposed up to another one of those weird chest pieces and a neck jacket. Maybe she should cut the neck coat off and glue it to her tiddies.

Total Score: 1/10

Listen, Horikoshi clearly understands what Momo’s costume needs, but he has no idea how to make that. This outfit IS inappropriate, no matter how you look at it. She’s a minor, and I don’t like the idea that she’s running around 75% naked. The only part of this that I like is the shade of red. That’s not good.

I really like Momo, she’s a good character, it’s unfortunate that we have to sexualize her so much. Can’t girls just be smart without also being eye candy for creepy 30 year old weebs?

——————

That’s it for this analysis. I plan on posting more stuff like this since I enjoy writing it so much! You should totally follow me so you don’t miss my future ramblings! 💖

Unless you hated it.

I wouldn’t blame you.

#sorry for the long post #bnha #anime #gay #mha #my hero academia #boku no hero #boku no hero academia #class 1a #girls of class 1a #Class 1-A #mina ashido #bnha ashido #tsuyu asui #bnha tsuyu #hagakure tooru #bnha hagakure #jirou kyouka #bnha jirou #uraraka ochako #bnha uraraka #momo yaoyorozu #bnha momo #tsuchako #momojirou

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam France season 3, episode 2 reaction

Skam France is really leveling up

Eliott Demaury, raccoon enthusiast is the best creative decision they’ve ever made

Episode 2

Clip 1 - surejan.gif

Is the B-roll or w/e at the start of the clip the same place Lucas was brooding in the first clip of the season? It’s probably reading too much into it but I like that those two dudes on the bench are there for a reason, like mirroring Lucas and Eliott at the end of the last episode, sitting with space between them (no Chloé in the middle, though).

Lucas scrolls through his phone looking for Eliott. He doesn’t find him, but he does find a friend request from Chloé, which he accepts after a moment’s hesitation. Son, she’s going to take that as a marriage proposal.

Mika plops down beside him and nags Lucas about the rent. Now that Manon’s parents are no longer financing Lucas’ rent, seems like he’s behind. Can I just mention that Mika and Lucas look like they could be related? I know it is a running Skam fandom joke that the Evak couples look related (sometimes said with underlying homophobia IMO BUT I’m not going to go into that rant now) and I’ve seen people say Lucas and Eliott look similar, but Lucas and Mika are the ones who stick out the most to me. Actually, Lisa too. If you told me that this was an apartment of like ... three siblings being gay and cranky at each other, I would buy it. 

Notifications are going off on Mika’s phone. It’s because Mika changed his profile pic, which he helpfully shows to Lucas/the viewers - I mean, I can get why his phone is blowing up, not gonna lie. No dick from what I can see, but you know. Suggestive. Pubes are clearly visible.

Lucas is like, I don’t want to see that! Well, I don’t think Lucas objects to naked men but I believe him in this instance because Mika is fulfilling the big brother role. Mika teases him about seeing what a man’s body looks like. Don’t worry Mika, in like a month Lucas is going to have very thorough knowledge of what a man’s body looks like.

Mika then asks for Lucas’ advice on a straight dude who wants a blowjob. Does he want it for himself or to do it to Mika? He helpfully imitates a blowjob that freaks out Lucas. I mean, it kinda freaks me out, I had war flashbacks to that grapefruit technique video. (If you have not seen that video, all I’m going to say that it is highly NSFW, not to be watched in public or if you have a heart condition, and I’m sorry.)

Mika is like, if you want to suck dick, you’re not that straight. Lucas is like, well, maybe he wants to try. Maybe that guy is just curious! HMMM Lucas, interesting train of thought. I’m sure you have no personal investment in this debate whatsoever. Mika helpfully shows Lucas’ a picture of the “curious” guy’s butthole. That Mika, being so helpful today.

Lucas gets up because he doesn’t want to spend his weekend looking at naked guys. Well, maybe not guys, plural. Again, in about a month you’re going to look back on that comment and laugh, bro. 

Mika and Lisa agree that Manon was funnier. Lmao, I kinda love how they’re so unimpressed with Lucas. 

Clip 2 - Light and dark

Lucas walks into school on Monday morning and … goes through an attendance book? He didn’t even hesitate, this guy does not give a single shit, does he? He’s just going to grab love by the balls. The camera puts us in Lucas’ POV by focusing from top to bottom like it’s imitating Lucas scanning the list, which is a good detail. Skam France had some POV issues I didn’t care for in previous seasons so this feels more carefully thought out. 

Just as I’m noticing Raptor Alex’s name above Eliott’s, the man himself appears. Oh yeah, they’re supposed to be pals now. They have a short conversation where Lucas is like, WHOOPS, silly me taking the wrong book! When Alex asks for the register, Lucas snakes out and distracts him by congratulating Alex on him and Emma. Alex is like, “Huh? Did Emma tell you that?” Well, they were obviously making out at the party and hanging out together in their IG stories, so while it’s maybe an assumption that they are 100% a couple, there’s obviously something going on between them.

I’ve never really been like ... dying for Isak/P-Chris friendship or interaction post-S2, although I think it could have been interesting. Plus, Chris had graduated by S3 so there weren’t as many opportunities for them to interact. But it’s a nice follow-up here since Raptor Alex is still in school with them. (Was he supposed to graduate along with Charles last year, though? I totally forgot. It feels like those seasons aired forever ago.)

Bell rings, Lucas scampers off with the register. I was like, “Wait, did he even put it back?” until Alex calls after him for it, lmao. I like to imagine that it’s just gone forever, a casualty of love.

In the classroom, Lucas looks up Eliott on his phone. Unlike Isak, he has the wisdom to plug in earbuds before listening to anything.

He’s looking at a crowdfunding page for a project of Eliott’s. It’s noted that the project closed and that the funding was not reached, and that detail punched a hole in my heart. Instant poignancy, instant affection for Eliott. We don’t know the circumstances yet of why he didn’t meet his goal, and if it was at all related to his manic/depressive episodes - perhaps a nice bit of foreshadowing if it turns out they are related - but it’s automatically sympathetic to learn someone had a dream that went unfulfilled. 

In a video, Eliott is talking about his project - a film called Polaris, about two characters and a tunnel. One is a boy, and one is not specified, (a boy, a girl, a creature) which I think is hinting at Elliott’s pansexuality, that he’s okay with any gender, it doesn’t matter to him. The second character does not leave the tunnel, because they are afraid of the light, and they meet the boy, who’s afraid of the dark. They can’t live in each other’s worlds so they chat at the border without ever seeing each other. They talk and fall in love but never meet until one of them decides to conquer their fears and go to the other’s world.

So there’s a lot of obvious symbolism here. Tbh, it’s pretty on the nose and I wish they’d toned it down just a smidge, since this is like … probably exactly what is going to happen with them for either their first kiss or their version of O Helga Natt (or both), but I still appreciate the effort a lot and am eager to see it in action. This is what I wanted from S3 remakes, for each of them to develop their own symbolism that fits their characters, because Isak and Even’s symbolism is so specific to them, their names and their story, that you inherently lose something when you transplant it to other versions of them. The concept of rebirth is really beautiful in a gay love story about coming out and being born as one’s authentic self; I think the idea of light and darkness being used in a similar way - especially in terms of a coming out narrative, being in darkness, coming into the light - could also be beautiful, and of course there are the ideas of having to be brave in order to live with each other, very relevant for an m/m couple in a homophobic society and for someone like Eliott who would be afraid to get close to someone due to his mental illness. It also works in the sense that neither of the characters in the film see each other until they get over their fears - both Lucas and Eliott have baggage and neither will really “see” or understand each other truly until they confront their respective issues.

Right now it seems like Eliott would be the one in the tunnel and Lucas is the one who’s afraid of the dark, and Lucas is going to have to leave his world to be with Eliott. Because well, this is supposed to be Lucas’ story, and the name “Lucas” is associated with light, or meaning “light-giver” or something similar. We know that one episode is called “the boy who was afraid of the dark” and that’s probably referring to Lucas since it’s his POV. At this point in the story, too, we aren’t supposed to know that Eliott is mentally ill, we don’t know he’s struggling, so we might also think that it’ll all be on Lucas to change in order for them to be together. But I think it’s also plausible that maybe they’ll switch roles over the course of the season, they both take turns in the light and in the dark. Maybe Lucas steps into the dark for the first kiss, conquering what he’s afraid of, then he steps into the light for the O Helga Natt equivalent. Or Lucas steps into the dark for the kiss, Eliott must step into the light for O Helga Natt. There are many ways it could go. But this is also what I like about them changing the symbolism, it leads to this kind of speculation. 

I’d like to see Lucas and Eliott being a little more strongly contrasted, too, sort of like they’re ... polar opposites, eh? OK, not that corny and not that they need to be so different that they can’t get along. I just think it’d be interesting with the light and dark metaphor to have them be clearly different in some ways, personality-wise, arc-wise. I want to see their separate worlds highlighted at some point.

Also want to mention that you could perhaps apply this imagery to certain scenes already, like in the first clip of the season you had Lucas in the daytime, light reflecting off the water and through the trees, but he’s not really comfortable there, he’s alone and detached. Later that night, Lucas making out with Chloé in the hallway sort of put him in shadow (or that might be Skam France’s lighting in general, IDK). Might be a reach but it’d be interesting if those choices stacked up throughout the season and reflected the larger metaphor, when we see who’s playing what role.

Polaris itself is “the brightest star in the constellation of Ursa Minor” so that’s another nice allusion to light in itself.

Imane shows up and scares the bejesus out of Lucas. She was going to give him the weed, but he ruined it by being a weenie. However, he redeems himself by expressing interest in the common room project and saying he’ll be at the next meeting. I wonder what changed his mind? Daphne’s enthusiasm? No matter, Imane must see some progress in Lucas, like he needs a reward for good behavior, because she decides to give him back the weed.

He’s grateful, but the teacher sees their drug exchange and wants to know what’s going on. When she asks to see what’s under the table, Imane whips out some tampons and says Lucas brought them to her. LMAO, that’s pretty funny. 

She calls out the teacher for humiliating her in front of everyone, which is also funny, although I kind of feel bad for that teacher, lol. We haven’t seen her be a racist yet like Isak and Sana’s teacher, and I mean ... her students were passing drugs under the table, she wasn’t wrong about them being shady.

Arthur and Alexia laugh at them in the background. I want to know what’s going on over at that table! We can have two pairs of classroom buddies!

Lucas and Imane both laugh so that’s really the kickoff to their friendship. Tampons: saving the day, bringing people together. Tampax should make it into a commercial.

Clip 3 - Questionnaires

It’s the common room meeting, just the girl squad and Lucas, and they’re going over the questionnaires that people filled out. The consensus is that the common room sucks, and people make dirty comments when anonymous (literally the least surprising thing ever if you have ever seen a bathroom stall or any comments section on the Internet).

Daphne kicks out Emma when she gets a phone call and Lucas laughs along with the others. He seems way happier and more comfortable with the girl squad than with anyone else so far, and I think a lot of that is because there isn’t the pressure to maintain a typical hetero fuckboy persona with them as with the boy squad. They’re just girls engaging on a dorky project, so he can just relax.

Alex reads another questionnaire and the answers are all about Daphne. Lucas confirms that the phone number on the page is Basile’s. Daphne looks done with it, she’s caught him staring and drooling, she doesn’t get why he’s into her all of a sudden. Man, I’m already sick of Basile, he’s like Magnus from hell. Especially because Daphne is so not into it, and the fact that she’s noticed him salivating him over her makes it worse. I think it’s for comic relief but it quickly went to creepy territory, and I hate that they’ll likely hook up at some point. Please please don’t go there.

A lot of the questionnaires mention they dislike the mural, so I bet they’ll paint another one at some point, and I bet Eliott will have an idea that they use, being the artsy guy he is. Also, everyone wants them to throw a party so I’m sure that’ll be the setup for either the neon party or the Christmas party (whatever takes the place of those scenes).

Lucas reads another questionnaire that requests a vending machine (reasonable) and a nudist day once a month (not so reasonable) and I was gonna say it was Eliott’s form, because of the vending machine connection and probably some painful foreshadowing toward the hotel naked incident, but actually it’s Alexia’s form, LMAO. She wants the eye candy of naked guys and girls. A nice way to integrate her bisexuality since she’s into naked guys and girls. 

I notice that Alexia has a little rainbow patch on her jeans, so I’m hoping that they’ve taken feedback from earlier seasons and will more directly address her sexuality. I know her ex Clara has been listed in the credits, so that’s very promising. I hope they keep it up and maybe Lucas can connect with her over being LGBT, well, G and B, respectively.

Emma comes back and complains that Alex thinks she’s been telling people they’ve been going out when they’re just hooking up, but Lucas does not care (even though he is responsible for giving Alex that impression) because Eliott walks by the window. Lucas hauls ass out of there and goes out to find him - give him some credit, Lucas is being pretty upfront about approaching Eliott, or going after what he wants so far. What is that gonna end up meaning to his overall character arc? I’m fine with that approach to Lucas’ character, I’m just curious how it will affect his overall characterization from beginning to end. Because Isak wasn’t a total wallflower, he did pursue Even in his own way, but I felt like because he also could be reserved and shy about Even, it was narratively significant when he took certain steps for clear reasons to his personal growth. (I think Lucas and Isak are maybe not all that different about their approaches so far, just slight ways that make it seem Lucas is bolder - like going up to Eliott at the vending machine himself, grabbing the register instead of walking by a list, running after Eliott instead of standing still and locking eyes with him).

Before Lucas can go stalking, he runs into the boy squad. Yann is like, were you in the common room? Spending a lot of time with the girls, eh? Like is he just being a dick about that, because Lucas is choosing the girls over the boy squad, or does he think Lucas wants to hook up with one of those girls? Or is this more about the common room project seeming stupid to him?

Of course Basile has to ask about whether Daphne is thinking about him, GOD please shut him up. Arthur tells him Daphne doesn’t care about him. The hero we need. 

Lucas looks around the courtyard but no Eliott in sight. ur boys cockblocked u, bro

Chloé and Maria come up and invite the boys to their party on Friday. Maria’s fucking cute when she’s not puking, she does a little dance with the invitation. Lucas tries to say they have plans but Arthur’s like, no we don’t! We’re coming! No, Arthur, don’t say that, you know Basile is going to be a creep about it.

The squad gangs up on Lucas for saying no, because you’re always supposed to say yes to partying with girls, and it’s played for laughs with their reactions and stuff but really it is shitty how these guys don’t want to listen to their friend. I mean, let’s say situations were reversed and Lucas was a girl who said “this guy is stalking me.” We’d all be like, get away from that dude, you don’t have to spend time with him, right? Or we’d hope that girl’s friends would say so.

Lucas says Chloé has been clinging to him and it’s stressing him out, and Arthur’s like, I don’t get you, she’s into you, but you’re stressing out? Lucas is clearly stressed by this conversation and that he can’t tell the boys what’s up. All that pressure to like girls is draining him.

I think it is important to keep in mind that Isak also felt isolated from the boy squad at this point in the story, for similar reasons: he had a big secret that he couldn’t tell them, and he felt like he had to like girls to fit in with them, and they put pressure on him to hook up with girls, talk about girls, go to parties with girls. What I think is the big difference, and why it feels perhaps more noticeable with Lucas, is that Isak didn’t have the interaction with the girl squad other than Sana blackmailing him and Vilde annoying him, so we didn’t see him have this friendly outlet where he’s relaxed. In fact, the first time in his season we see him really start to relax and be himself is with Even. I think that contrast was valuable toward establishing Isak’s connection with Even, showing Even as someone who brings Isak out of his shell. But with Lucas, first he is able to laugh together with Imane - Isak and Sana had a moment but they weren’t like giggling together after Isak told off the racist teacher - and second he seems to be having a good time at the common room meeting. Then he goes to the boy squad and it immediately becomes tense. However, I don’t have a huge problem with Lucas laughing a bit with the girl squad here. It makes him seem somewhat less socially isolated, since he seems relaxed with them (even if this isn’t the deepest or most intimate interaction), but it still provides contrast to his interaction with his male friends. It would be nice if the story highlighted this a little more later on, as to why Lucas might feel more comfortable with the girl squad and not the boys when he’s closeted. 

Clip 4 - Polaris

At home, Lucas watches the animated storyboard for Eliott’s Polaris video. A guy and another person of ambiguous gender meet just outside the tunnel in the rain and finally kiss.

I like that Lucas got to watch the project itself (or a storyboard of it) and be invested in it. That’s something I loved about Isak watching Even’s video and then watching R+J - he got to fall for Even watching him be funny and strange talking about his Cap/Putin video, and then he got to watch a movie that Even loved and that awakened these very emotional parts of himself. He got to see a great love in action and wish for that for himself, he got a glimpse of Even’s soul from the art Even loves. Lucas does something similar here in that he gets a glimpse of Eliott’s creative mind, something very personal, and fall for him further, and Eliott’s video is also about great love that Lucas feels that he wants in his own life, it chips away at that facade he’s put up, the lie he’s living. Good adaptation.

The only thing is I suspect that their first kiss or O Helga Natt is probably going to go heavily like that storyboard, if not exactly, which will likely be beautiful, but again, slightly on the nose for me. To be fair, obviously Isak and Even’s first kiss imitated Romeo + Juliet closely; I guess this being Eliott’s own creation/vision vs Even’s fanboying a film by his favorite director makes it a little more OTT, like if a scene from a novel I’d written came into my life, I’d feel weird and self-conscious about it. But that’s just me! I can also see why it’d matter to Eliott, to take this longing and make it a reality. But I think I’d rather just see him make his actual film, accomplish his passion project, than to recreate it in his own life. Maybe because, filming a beautiful love story and falling in love in real life fulfill two different parts of one’s self -  one’s artistic creations are not substitutes for one’s social connections and vice versa - and Eliott’s unfunded film is a thing on its own that’s very poignant and begs to be carried to completion. Does that make sense? IDK, I’d like those big scenes to have similar themes and imagery but not like his storyboard come exactly to life. We’ll see how it goes.

I think it’s a little murky why Lucas searches for the “gay chat” - like is he trying to find Eliott there, or is he looking for any type of connection? Think it’s the former since that was shown more explicitly with Isak, but I guess you can say he’s just testing the gay waters.

The gay app that Lucas downloads features the picture of Skam France director David Hourrègue, much like Skam Italia had their male director in the gay app. (The directors look a tad similar, or is that just me?)

Lucas looks through pictures mainly of disembodied abs and bulges, until he stumbles upon Mika’s picture, and HA, that’s a REALLY good gag, hats off to Skam France. I remember being annoyed because they recreated the Jonas cunnilingus walk of fame in their season 2, except with none of the build-up that made the Jonas scene funny and emotionally resonant (with Eva’s reaction), so it lacked the impact and was just kinda there. This actually had some setup, good job.

Clip 5 - Two bros chillin’ at a bus stop

The boys are getting ready to go to Chloé’s party later and Basile starts talking about how he’ll get with Maria and I’m already so over this, please God let them talk about anything else. I get that this girl talk is establishing the overwhelming heteronormativity and pressure to pursue girls among these teenage boys, but like, let’s hear from Arthur about his hookup techniques, or if there’s a girl Yann likes, anything but Basile being a creep yet again.

He talks about calling himself “Daddy” to Maria as if I wasn’t already thoroughly horrified out by him. FUCK no. 

And the guys are like, I thought you were all up in Daphne’s business? Basile basically doesn’t care, one girl or the other will do, ughhhh GODDDDD.

They tell Lucas that he’s paying for the beer because they’ve taken their turns paying. Lucas waits at the bus stop, texts his dad for rent and grocery money, then texts Mika for money (presumably to buy the beer). MEANWHILE, a figure in a familiar brown coat sits down. I can’t quite tell from the angle, is he sitting in the next seat or is there still one between them? You’d think Eliott would learn from the past not to leave space for any Chloés who might come along. (At the end of the clip I still couldn’t tell, lmao. Feel free to clarify if you have better spatial awareness than I do.)

It’s Lucas’ turn to get startled by a dude just staring at him intensely. They have some banter, Mika texts back that he’s working, Eliott notices something is up, Lucas explains that he has no money to buy beer for a party, so it’s Eliott’s suggestion to come back to his place and get the beer he has. Not Lucas asking him for help, like Isak did. Lucas has seemed somewhat more forthright in pursuing Eliott so this is a bit of a surprise, because a noticeable example of Isak asking Even for something was switched to Eliott offering. I guess you could say it’s Eliott’s development, if he’s the one in the dark and is holding himself back? We’ll see.

Clip 6 - Eliott confirmed weirdo

They go to Eliott’s place and Lucas checks out Eliott’s drawings. They’re cute. Dude really loves raccoons. They look at the drawings together and Eliott says they’re old and that he’s better at drawing himself now. Lucas is like … that’s you? LMAO, Eliott is so fucking weird, I kind of love him. He likes that raccoons have a mask. Well, we know Eliott has his own mask, so it’s fitting, I suppose.

Okay, French fans, I have to ask - what are the perceptions of raccoons in your culture? I found this article saying that the raccoon was introduced to France in 1966 and is considered a pest. They’re considered pests in North America, too, and spread disease, and sometimes they fall through ceilings, but like ... they’ve always been here, so there’s something about them that’s normalized, I guess? 

Lucas asks if Eliott had to draw him what would it be. Well, that’s fucking forward. Eliott studies him and says he doesn’t know. So Eliott basically can’t figure out Lucas yet. What are the odds his later notes to Lucas will include his and Lucas’ fursonas? I know all Isaks are snakes but Lucas reminds me of a woodpecker, personally.

Or maybe they will both be raccoons for the sole reason that I want to start calling Lucas Little King Trashmouth.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY for Lucas to say “draw me like one of your French girls” or something along those lines, though.

Clip 7 - What ... the fuck ...

Lucas and Eliott smoke and talk. While Eliott gets up to change the music, Lucas checks his phone and he’s got messages from Chloé waiting for him.

Lucas blames his absence on the other guys lacking motivation and THAT is the least believable excuse I have heard in my fucking life, come on, Lucas. As if those dudes aren’t panting after those girls. Did you even meet Basile? If you talk to him for ten seconds you’ll already know the names of five girls he wants to fuck.

And of course he types this as Yann is trying to get in touch with him about the party, very much motivated to go.

One of these days an Isak just needs to lie in a plausible way. “Sorry I’m sick, I think I have food poisoning, I’ve been shitting my guts out for the last hour.” If you overshare and make it disgusting, they’re not going to question you further AND Chloé will probably back off and stop chasing you. 

Lucas guesses that Eliott will be putting on some Chopin or Dad Jazz because the turntable makes him seem like a vintage collector but ACTUALLY Eliott is one weird motherfucker and I have to say, not even Even would pull this stunt this soon in their relationship, because what he puts on is dubstep and Eliott starts banging his head and jumping around in a completely unashamed way, and like, even Lucas in all his infatuation with this guy cannot help but stare at him like “what the fuck is going on.”

When Eliott asks about it Lucas responds, “....it’s cool!” in the same way I do when an older relative asks me what I think of The Big Bang Theory or the Minions.

Eliott asks Lucas about his tastes and Lucas is more into rock, like very famous bands, Nirvana, Rolling Stones, Beatles, The Clash. Eliott offers to put on Queen and luckily for the music licensing department Lucas is like, no, I like discovering new things. By which he means “I like discovering new boys.”

Eliott blows a perfect ring of smoke so we know he has more smoke skills than Lucas, going off Lucas’ messy shotgunning in episode 1, and then Lucas also starts to rock out to the music and I’m kinda feeling secondhand embarrassment but also, I guess this means they’re meant for each other?

Clip 8 - Piano man

They’re both sitting there stoned as fuck, Eliott doesn’t want to get up to change the record, so Lucas gets up and puts the record to the side. But instead of selecting a new one, he lifts the lid the piano and asks Eliott if he plays. Eliott says he can play the Star Wars theme - so he has Star Wars fanboying in common with Even, heh.

Lucas then sits down and starts to play perhaps too well for someone who’s probably pretty stoned by now (but I’ve never tried so who knows) and Eliott sits up. We get him smiling at Lucas, eyes shining. At one point Lucas looks behind him and seems to get encouraged by Eliott’s enchanted reaction.

Mmmm ... unpopular opinion, but while this is a really lovely scene, I kiiiinda wish they’d taken it down a notch or put the focus more on Lucas? Because there’s like ... not really any ambiguity about what Eliott feels after this, with his enamored stare at Lucas, and I think in context of the larger story, it takes a little tension out. I think with Even, the attraction was conveyed more in small looks and glances, and while I definitely thought he was always into Isak, from Isak’s POV you could see how the arrival of Sonja threw that into doubt, there was room to question whether Even really had feelings for Isak. Whereas here it’s like ... girlfriend or not, Eliott is smitten with Lucas, I don’t really feel that the ending reveal carries as much weight. I guess I’d put more focus on Lucas’ expressions as he plays, showing him getting into it and letting himself put down his emotional walls and express himself, showing him more open here with Eliott than he’s been so far anywhere else - this is his POV season, after all - and cut back on Eliott’s reactions to preserve a little mystery.

What I think is good about this moment is that Eliott got to share a part of himself, with his drawings (and his questionable taste in music), and unbeknownst to him his Polaris project, and now Lucas gets to share a part of himself with his piano playing, and so they’ve both let each other in to their artistic sides, perhaps establishing them both as creative types. It’s cool that we both see their respective interests. They might even complement each other’s, like Lucas’ music might end up serving Eliott’s vision for his film or something. And this was obviously a turning point for Eliott, he may have noticed Lucas on the first point of school but this is what took his interest in Lucas to another level as he saw Lucas just unleash this piano piece, catching him off guard with something beautiful. 

When Lucas is done, Eliott says it was impressive, and that Lucas is surprising, and he likes surprising people. Well they’re just being blatant as fuck, aren’t they.

Unfortunately, the night must end as Eliott has people to meet and Lucas has a party to endure. Eliott walks Lucas out and says it was great, they need to hang out again, Lucas agrees. I like this moment a lot because it is somewhat more ambiguous - like on the surface this could be a platonic conversation, just wanting to hang out as friends, but there’s just a little too much intensity, a bit too much of a pause in the delivery, to think this exchange is so casual. 

Just as Lucas is going Eliott adjusts his hair? I don’t even know what he was doing because I do not notice a single change in Lucas’ hairdo but Eliott sure did it as a memorable parting gesture. Lucas is internally screaming, probably.

Lucas goes out the door and outside he checks his phone, of course Chloé is pissed, Yann asks why Lucas is lying, Chloé has been posting “men are trash” messages on IG. I repeat: just tell them that you have unstoppable explosive diarrhea and people won’t be so quick to judge. 

Behind him, Eliott leaves his place and Lucas sees him greet a girl with a kiss. OK now that is actually a pretty big change because Eliott does not know that Lucas saw him with a girlfriend and like, I always thought Even was overcompensating with Sonja when he started to compliment her and make out with her, but Eliott was just casually greeting his girlfriend with a kiss, without knowing Lucas was there. He’s not going to know Lucas knows about his girlfriend the next time they meet. If Lucas is irritated with him, he’s going to be like WTF.

There’s piano music at the end, and with its inclusion in the clip itself, I’m thinking they’re going to use a lot of piano on the soundtrack this season. They already did it in episode one.

Social Media/General Comments

Lucas apparently ran away from Chloé at the bus stop, heh. She texted him to “subtly” see if he wanted to hang out and insinuated that she wanted to swing by Lucas’ flat some time. Or not subtly. Nothing about her is subtle. She’s wearing a sign that says BANG ME LUCAS.

Lol, as I mentioned above, Emma was hanging out with Raptor Alex and posting pics and stories on IG, I don’t know why they’re surprised people might think they’re an item after they also just hooked up at a party. Like not necessarily together-4ever but it’s not an unreasonable assumption they have a ~thing.

Lucas and Imane laugh over the tampon thing via text later, it’s a sweet moment. I wonder how they’re going to play the religion discussions since the two are already warming up to each other, Lucas being like, “Why are you religious?” in a confrontational way would kill the vibe.

Manon was supposed to see The Book of Mormon with Charles, then later she posted “Night in after all.” Dramaaaaa. Manon, fuck Charles and go by yourself. If some dude bailed on me that night I’d be like, whatever asshole, we paid to see these singing Mormons and I am going to goddamn see some singing Mormons. (Also, lmao at her dramatically posting that publicly, talk about a passive-aggressive swipe at Charles.)

Let’s talk about Basile, goddamn Basile, because he is by far my biggest issue with the season so far. Everything else is pretty solid, any other quibbles I have pale to my rapidly developing kneejerk GTFO when he appears on screen.

Some of the issue is that this dude is so one-note and in a really intense way, like you know when you’re a toddler and your parent hands you a pot to bang on and you hit it with a wooden spoon over and over? That’s Basile. There’s also just the element of overexposure. He tends to take over the boy squad scenes just because he wants to get laid. It feels like we’ve already had as much of Basile thirsting after Daphne and Maria in two episodes as we did Magnus crushing on Vilde spread over the whole season. 

You might say Magnus was similarly desperate to hook up with a girl, and that’s true of course. And look, Magnus isn’t perfect and he said some dumbass shit during the season, but at the same time, there was a kind of weird innocence to him? Even when Vilde is complaining about the first year girls taking the older guys, and he says he’s available to fuck if she wants, it’s an outrageous statement but the way it’s played has a bizarre purity to it, like hey, this girl thinks there won’t be anyone for her to fuck, I should offer! With Basile there’s more sleaziness to his behavior, like dude has been on Reddit too long and has read too many forums about embittered men seeking to get laid.

I think some of it also is that a lot of Magnus was not actively and aggressively pursuing specific girls and bothering them for the most part - after that first offer to fuck Vilde, we don’t see him nagging her or crossing her boundaries, from what I recall? The flirtation gets mutual. He mentions stuff like the Vilde sex dream to the guys but it’s not like he’s telling that to her. With Basile he’s directly going after Daphne in a very persistent way.

One way they could redeem Basile is have his behavior act as a criticism of toxic straight boy bullshit, to go along with the heteronormative pressure. We still have a bunch of episodes to go so perhaps Basile will have character growth.

One thing I didn’t care for was them breaking up the Friday clip into multiple parts and airing them one after the other. I suspected that it was due to time restrictions and I was right, according to the screenwriter on IG. It’s too bad because I think it interrupts the flow of the story. With Skam, we got to see Isak himself change over the course of the afternoon - he went from shy and reserved to opening up and being able to laugh and joke around with Even, and the fact that it’s all one clip makes it more noticeable. The length makes it feel like the lazy afternoon Isak and Even spent getting to know each other. Not Skam France’s fault they had to break it up, just a shame because it felt choppier - watching it clip by clip meant I kept going back to what I was doing in real life and losing the mood instead of sinking into it. But I appreciate what they were trying to do when they couldn’t have a long scene and I think the ways they cut the scene were probably the best places to end/start the clips, tone-wise.

On that note, I’m trying to avoid the BTS commentary but I ended up reading it when I saw the reaction to the Skam France writer’s thoughts on Isak. I get what the guy was going for, Isak was more reserved and shy than Lucas is and Even was doing a lot of the initiating, although yeah, I think his description was worded in an oversimplified way - I don’t think Isak was entirely naive and innocent, more like inexperienced (which is a different thing) and he was certainly the hero of his own story, he was brave. Just because he wasn’t as outgoing doesn’t mean he wasn’t taking control of his own story - I’d say that’s part of what makes his character development so powerful, that because he is more repressed, his choices to kiss Even, to come out to his friends, to learn to be himself, have even more impact. But I don’t think Niels meant to bash Isak or anything, and it’s very clear from his notes that he loves and respects the original season. I think his main point was just like “Lucas is more upfront in his actions,” lol.

Though on a related note, the experience of watching the remakes has made me think that a lot of people don’t get who Isak is as a character, and especially have some extremely bad faith and unsympathetic readings of him. But that’s a rant for another time. 

Tbh I think the behind-the-scenes notes about production stuff like “Axel wasn’t a trained pianist but he practiced hard for this scene” is fine and fun, it’s more the stuff that’s like “Here’s the interpretation of the scene itself” that I wish would wait until the season ends. But lmao, I’m just gonna try to avoid that stuff again.

I actually did like this episode. I’m not sure Skam France is ever going to be my favorite remake, because there’s something about the way it’s filmed that feels more slick and well, TV-like than is my preference, but I can definitely see that they’ve upgraded from last season, and that they’re trying hard to give this story its own spin. The Polaris symbolism is the biggest sign of that so far.

If there’s something I do wish we could get more of with Skam France, it’s subtlety? As a show it often feels more dramatic and this episode leaned heavier on the blatant romance, which might be a cultural thing, and I can absolutely get why people are more drawn to that. There’s plenty of TV shows and movies that I like that are not subtle in the slightest. I guess I’ve just been thinking that I wish the remakes would not be afraid to rely more on subtext for parts of this season, especially building up this relationship. Like there’s nothing blatantly “romantic” about the Evak version of this clip - everything is heavily show don’t tell, and we have to read into the littlest moments, the shared glances. How Even smiles to himself for just a brief moment after Isak compliments his drawings, or how Isak gets flustered after Even teases him for not knowing who Nas is (because he wants Even to think he’s cool) and how Even says that they’ll listen to Nas later - the implication that Isak is going to stay a while and Even will share this with him. “We can’t go back now” is in relationship to the cheese toasties, except you know, it’s not really about the cheese toasties. With Lucas and Eliott, it’s really easy to pick out that Eliott is flirting when he’s flat-out telling Lucas how special he is and how he’s intrigued by him, and sure, that’s where they’re going with Eliott’s character and making him more direct but it’s also related to the overall method and effectiveness of the storytelling. (I mean ... having Eliott be like “You are this-and-that, Lucas” is the definition of telling, not showing, lol.) And I completely get why that works for a lot of people, it doesn’t NOT work for me, but the understated stuff is what makes me watch clips a dozen times to pick up on it all, the subtext is what gets under my skin. My favorite moment was their goodbye at the door because it was a typical friendly exchange on the surface but with more going unspoken, and I felt that on the screen. So not to whine, because I did legitimately enjoy the Lucas/Eliott interaction, those are just my preferences. (The show is not made for me personally etc etc., cultural differences etc etc. I’m aware.)

I am finally warming up to Lucas, after two seasons. I really don’t think that I didn’t care for him before just because his character was closed off and snaky, because I’ve liked every other Isak in the first season of their show even though they’ve also kept secrets and done shady shit. I think they’ve just found a way to portray his character more effectively after having to copy + paste S1 and S2. They can make the character feel more organic. Also, not gonna lie, it felt like they cut back on the serial killer looks (partially because Lucas has more smiley and relaxed moments) so A+ work, Axel.

Also, knowing that they had to redo the first two seasons so closely doesn’t really change my opinion of the quality of the first two seasons, but it does make me more sympathetic toward the cast and crew for having to color inside the lines, so to speak. 

Eliott is a fucking weird ass human being and I’m really feeling his character. They made his absurdly good looks more approachable by turning him into a dubstep-stanning furry, and I am here for whatever shit they tell us about him next. 

I also think think the use of music was much better than in previous seasons. There were some very deliberate choices in this episode, obviously, but it felt like they’re learning to use silence more effectively and not shoehorning the soundtrack as much.

Feel free to chime in or correct me about French culture/translation/other issues.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#skamfr reactions #skam france reactions

[roggling]

An Alternate Reality’s Gift (IV)

“These people are buttholes.”

The team’s eyes widened and they all warned, “Kallur!”

The boy in question pouted and crossed his arms and turned away from their reprimanding eyes and just stared at his father’s white armor. Keith kneeled down and looked into his son’s blue eyes sternly, “Even though people may be mean, we don’t call them names. Especially something as vulgar as that.”

“Well,” Lance started, everyone turning to look at him as he leaned against a wall, “He isn’t wrong.”

Keith glared at the Red Paladin, eyeing Kallur’s admiration for his uncle’s defense, and he warned, “Don’t encourage him, Lance. He shouldn’t be using such strong words. He’s just three.”

Lance shrugged and winked at Kallur before turning away from Keith and continuing his failing attempts to free them. Allura, from her spot beside Lukeia playing with Keilu, agreed with Keith, “You are right, Keith. “Buttholes” is much too vulgar for you, Kallur.”

Kallur pouted, but this time he seemed more guilty now that his mom was chastising him and Keith looked at her with a look of gratitude. At least, until she spoke again.

“We call these kinds of people little quiznakers.”

Keith’s jaw dropped, Shiro facepalmed, Pidge struggled to keep her laugh hidden, and the rest looked surprise, yet they all gasped, “Allura!”

Just then the prison door slid open and they all fell quiet as two familiar figures stepped inside. Keith furrowed his brows in recognition and asked, “Zethrid? Ezor?”

The two women didn’t even look in his direction. The first thing they looked at were at the kids standing in between Allura and Keith. Zethrid chuckled and stood in front of the kids.

Lukeia cocked her head in curiosity and asked Ezor, “Why is your hair a tail?”

Ezor laughed and took a step closer to the little girl but Lukeia leaned closer into her mother’s thigh, and she quickly grabbed her baby brother into her arms as well. Kallur, however, merely stood still and threw his head back trying to see Zethrid’s head. When he almost stumbled backwards he mumbled, “You’re too big to be a little quiznaker.”

Allura and Keith just about died.

Zethrid and Ezor merely chuckled and Ezor crossed her arms and cocked an amused eyebrow towards Keith and Allura, “You two sure got busy. Acxa’ll be disappointed to hear the emo one is taken.”

Keith and Allura merely stayed quiet but Keith took a step closer to the two, hoping to be able to move before they do anything to his kid.

Ezor bends down and smiles at Kallur, who just looks at her owlishly, and asks, “Hey buddy, have you seen Prince Lotor recently?”

Kallur scrunched his face, “Who’s Price Motor?”

Ezor glares at Lance once he starts laughing behind Kallur. Kallur smiles at hearing his uncle laugh and Ezor sighs, “No. Prince Lotor. You know, big and tall with light purple skin, white hair, and ears like yours? You’ve never seen him?”

Kallur shakes his head, “I don’t know who Lotor is.”

Zethrid scoffs and bares her teeth at the team, “He’s lying.”

Allura glares at her and takes a step closer, “My son is no liar. He has never seen Lotor. We left him in the quintessence field between realities. He’s dead.”

“That doesn’t add up. Why aren’t you dead?”

“No,” Allura replied sternly, “Lotor went on a rampage and he was knocked unconscious. He’s dead.”

Zethrid pounded on the walls with her fist and spat, “Lies.”

Kallur looked up at the threatening woman with wide, fearful eyes and Zethrid picked up the child from his collar and lifted him up into the air.

There was a chorus of ‘No!’s ringing through the air and Keith threw himself at the pair to get his son away from them, but Ezor expertly kicked him in the abdomen, successfully throwing him across the room and on top of the team, disabling them for a second as Zethrid glared at the kid in her hand and asked, “Where is Prince Lotor?”

The child kicked in her arms, though it did nothing, and yelled, “I don’t know who that is!”

Lukeia, crouching over her baby brother, had wide eyes as she looked at her family groaning on the floor in pain and her little brother in danger.

Zethrid step closer to her family threateningly and she ran in between the tall woman and her family and screamed, “Get back!”

Zethrid stopped midstep and looks down at the child in front of her and chuckles wryly, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Keith, trying to free himself from the pile of people, screamed, “Lukeia get away from them.”

Zethrid sneers, “You should listen to your parents, kid. You might just get hurt.”

Ezor took a step closer to Lukeia, but Lukeia’s hand suddenly began glowing a bright aqua blue and she held her hand up in between her and the enemy. The two women stepped back in surprise and the team watched the little girl in awe. Lukeia glared and she demanded, “Put Kallur down!”

Allura and Keith were finally free and they both ran towards Lukeia. Both were forced to stand a few feet away from the intense brightness of Lukeia’s power, but they were able to make out Zethrid letting Kallur down gently on the floor. Kallur immediately ran away and ran behind Keith’s leg and peered at the scene unfolding. Lukeia started glowing brightly all over, her blue altean marks glowed as her mother’s had when they were near Oriande and her purple irises turned a ghostly blue.

“Lukeia, stop! You can hurt yourself and us if you attack!”

Lukeia, however, didn’t stop glowing, “Ummm… I can’t?”

Keith took a step closer and yelled, “Just relax!”

“I can’t relax if you’re yelling at me, dad!”

“Lukeia, you do not speak to your father with that attitude!”

“Are we really doing this now?” Lance questioned as he lifted Pidge up from under Hunk in the pile, “We’re all going to die!”

Suddenly, a loud explosion shook the ground and a loud alarm sounded throughout the room and the rest of the ship. The whole group froze and Ezor and Zethrid looked towards their men behind them, all of them running out of the room and towards the offense.

“Hull breach in hangar one. Lockdown sequence initiated.” The monotone voice of the speakers filled in the confusion inside the room and Ezor and Zethrid bolted for the door and locked it, leaving the team trapped inside with Lukeia’s glowing hand...quintessence...weapon continuing to glow.

“Lukeia, sweetheart, I need you to relax your hand,” Allura urged, speaking to the spooked child with a soothing voice.

Lukeia took a deep breath and relaxed her hand and let the quintessence go. The force of the blast threw her backwards and her father caught her in his arms. The team looked at the door and gaped at the huge hole steaming from it, seeing a row of holes in the walls in front of the door.

Allura and Keith looked down at their daughter and smiled and Allura passed a hand through Lukeia’s silver hair, “Thank you, my little juniberry.”

“Allura,” Krolia interrupted, who was rocking baby Keilu in her arms and trying to calm him down. Allura looked up at the older woman and saw her pointing at the ground in front of the steaming door.

There, fazed and shivering in fear, were the mice. Allura chuckled as they all ran towards her and onto her shoulders, “It’s alright. We’re fine.”

The mice then began squeaking and squeaking, the team peering over Allura’s shoulder and still wondering how she can understand them.

“Where?”

“What are they saying mommy?” Kallur asked, the child holding the tiniest mice in his hand and petting him.

“Coran’s trying to save us and he’s got help. Acxa.”

His face turned soft and whispered a soft ‘what?’ and Allura felt a weight on her stomach, though she didn’t know why. “Come on,” Keith began, taking Lukeia into his arms and leading the group, “We’ve gotta get out of here and into our lions.” Quickly, the paladins started running towards the hangar, running into Coran and knocking out the Galra cornering him and returning to their jog.

Nearby, they heard pair of Galra messing around with their Bayards and they hid behind some walls.

“Great,” Lance whispered, “They’ve got our Bayards. What are going to do?”

Suddenly, Kallur jumped out and took out his Bayard and yelled, “Let me at ‘em!”

Lance and Pidge quickly grabbed Kallur and hid him behind the wall again, Lance’s hand muffling the little boy’s mouth and Pidge sighed in exasperation, “There goes the element of surprise.”

Then, Keith’s bayard was in his hand in a flash, surprising the team, and he jumped at the two guards, defeating them in exactly five seconds. Kallur peered over the wall and his eyes sparkled with admiration and gasped, “Dad’s so cool!”

Keith slipped on his helmet and turned towards the team with orders, “Lance, lead the way. Keep the team together.”

The team rushed to get their equipment and to get moving and Lance stopped Keith for a second, “Wait, where are you going?”

“Acxa saved our skin. I’m not going to leave her behind.”

Allura turned around to watch Keith leave and smiled fondly when she saw Keith ruffled Kallur’s head as he left the team to go help Acxa. Kallur looked at his mom next, and rose a confused eyebrow when he saw her watching his dad walking off and he tugged on her hand, “Mom you’re looking at dad all lovey-dovey again.”

Allura shook out of her daydreaming and she looked mortified as she saw the team smiling at her knowingly. She backed up in surprise, “N-No! I’m not!”

“Alright, kiddo,” Krolia plopped a helmet Kallur’s head, saving Allura from his oblivious teasing, “We need to get you suited up.”

As Krolia dressed Kallur, Allura dressed Lukeia, who was still unconscious, and Shiro, Romelle, and Coran struggled to find a way to fit baby Keilu in a tiny suit and helmet they found in one of the crates.

“Let’s get to the Lions,” Lance ordered as Keith’s right-hand and began moving towards the hangar.

Kallur beamed and rose his right hand, “I call dibs on riding with dad!”

Allura looked up at Shiro, who was running beside her, and asked, “Would you take him with you?”

Keith lifted Kallur up on top of his shoulders and smiled reassuringly, “I’ve got him.”

Kallur laughed and rose up his hands in excitement, “Yay! Uncle Shiro!”

Lance ran up to the controls beside the hatch of the hangar and pulled down a lever, the door immediately opening and the team was sucked out of the ship and into space. Kallur was laughing and enjoying the ride with his uncle, gazing up at the sky and the red nebula nearby.

Behind the team, a group of Galrans ganged up together and began firing on them, Shiro having to swerve out of the way to avoid getting hit and Kallur whooped and cheered him on. The Black Lion was kind enough to open its jaws and let them in but it would not power up and it waited for Keith to return.

Allura entered her lion once she made sure her son was safe inside and she gently laid Lukeia on the pod inside her Lion. Romelle braced herself against Allura’s chair and held onto baby Keilu tightly as Allura powered up the Blue Lion.

“Guys!” Keith’s voice sounded through their helmet, “Zero in on my location and fire on the ship!”

Allura’s eyes widened and reluctantly prepared the Blue Lion to fire, “Are you sure?”

“Just do it!”

Allura took a deep breath and prayed to the ancients that Keith wasn’t pulling anything stupid in the ship and did as she was told, seeing the rest of the lions fire on Keith’s location as well and she hoped for the best.

Her eyes widened in worry when she saw an intense explosion erupt and multiple explosions throughout the ship followed after. The Black Lion rushed towards the ship and a wave of relief overtook her once she saw Keith fly through a thick black smoke. However, once she saw him holding Acxa’s hand, another feeling overwhelmed her and she tried to convince herself that it wasn’t jealousy. Once Keith was inside the Black Lion, it turned around and left the ship to destroy itself, the rest of the lions following close behind.

When Keith walked into the cockpit, he was bombarded by a little tornado and almost fell backwards when Kallur jumped into his arms.

“You were so awesome dad! I want to be just like you when I grow up!” Keith chuckled at the little kid in his arms and smiled softly.

“Thanks, buddy. I’ll teach some moves when we arrive on Earth, alright?”

“Yay!” Kallur punched his fist in the air and something caught his eye. He turned around and saw Acxa behind his father and he asked her, “Who are you?”

“Acxa,” the woman replied curtly and Keith noticed her gaze kept shifting between him and Kallur in his arms before she asked Keith, “Is this your son?”

“Yep!” Kallur answered proudly and he beamed.

Keith wanted to say the truth so that Acxa wouldn’t be confused, but it wasn’t the right moment. Kallur didn’t need to know the truth yet. Not when he already lost his universe. Keith put Kallur down and headed for the pilot seat sending a curt, ‘thank you’ to Acxa before sitting down and taking the controls.

“You can send your team these coordinates. That’s my hideout for now. You can rest up there,” Acxa sent coordinates on over to Keith, who later passed it on to his Lion to send it to the team and offered her another ‘thank you’ before making plans with the team.

Acxa stood behind in a corner, seeing that Kallur wouldn’t stop looking at her but she didn’t really know what to say to him so she stayed quiet. Right up until Kallur decided to say what he thought.

“You’re pretty.”

Acxa’s eyes widened at the compliment and she looked down at the kid in shock. He had a completely innocent face gazing up at her. “Uh, thank...you?”

She looked over at Keith, hoping he would save her from the awkward conversation with his child. But, alas, that was not the case since he continued making plans with the team.

“Have you met my brother and sister? They’re with mommy now.”

“No. I haven’t.”

“That’s okay. I’ll introduce you to them when we see them again. My older sister’s name is Lukeia, she’s bossy and grouchy sometimes but she’s cool and looks just like mommy. My little brother’s Keilu. He’s just a baby so he just cries a lot. Oh! And he uses the bathroom a lot too. Gamma said that we both look like dad but we have mom’s eyes.”

Acxa nodded along and ate up all the information, “And… who’s your mother?” She asked it, but she felt she already knew judging by the boy’s altean marks.

“My mom’s the Blue Paladin! Allura!”

Acxa nodded in understanding and looked at the man piloting the Black Lion. She was too late. But, judging by how Keith handled the child in his arms, she was glad that he’s happy. That’s all that matters.

#kallura #kallura alternate reality kids au #an alternate reality's gift #keilu #kallur #lukeia #allura #keith #lance #pidge #shiro #hunk #krolia #coran #acxa

[magic5ball]

Jurassic Park 4: Doki Idol Live Festival!

The two velociraptors stood outside a pastel colored town house in Hokkaido prefecture, Japan. If any passerbys thought that was weird, they certainly didn’t show it. Probably because the raptors were wearing fedoras and fake mustaches, so they looked like humans. Also they had guns. Very cool, very intimidating mobster guns. A tommy gun and a sawed-off shotgun, respectively.

You needed guns, to survive Shinzo Abe’s little empire of vice and socialized medical care.

“So this is the place, huh?” muttered the velociraptor carrying the sawed-off shotgun. His thick Brooklyn accent hung in the air like concrete. “Kinda… frillier than I was expecting.”

“It better be.” Replied his companion, who sounded like your racist conservative uncle trying to impersonate that one cool guy from ‘The Godfather’ (You know, the one with the mustache who was played by Robert de Niro). “We hadda kill a whole lotta people to get this hellhole.”

Sawed-off shotgun licked his non-existent lizard lips

“But hey. That airplane stewardess tasted mighty fine goin-“

“Oh, for f*ck’s sake, would ya stop thinkin’ with your stomach and help me with this f*ckin’ knob!” cried tommy gun, trying to work the doorknob best he could with his raptor claws, which, in all honesty, wasn’t much, because raptor claws are terrible at operating things meant for human fingers. Little did he know, the door was a ‘pull’, not a ‘push.

At least he didn’t have to wait long before someone unlocked the door from the other side: another velociraptor, this one a bit on the short side. And p!ssed. Very, very p!ssed. You could tell he was the cool one because he wore an eyepatch over one eye. An eyepatch with a Captain Underpants logo on it.

“Didn’t your parent’s ever teach you idiots about using the doorbell?! I was just about to enjoy lunch with my beautiful wife and you-!“

He paused, recognizing the two figures facing him.

“Well, well, well” Said tommy gun, cocking his weapon “If it isn’t SWEET JOHN HAMMOND’S BALLSACK WHAT THE F*CK AM I LOOKING AT?!”

For the cool raptor was dressed in a gothic Lolita maid outfit, complete with a bonnet and penny loafers. Under his arm he carried a human sized pillow depicting what appeared to be a blonde floozy with massive tits.

“Oh this? This is Mami Tomoe, my beautiful wife.”

“WHAT THE F*CK!?!?” Tommy gun pulled out a flask off orange Fanta from his butthole and drank the whole thing in one go. He did NOT have time for this homosexual weeaboo nonsense! Still, he and shotgun hadn’t left a mountain of corpses the exact height and width as Mt. Fuji behind them. Too many to go back to Isla Nublar empty handed. Er, clawed. Because they were dinosaurs. Who have claws.

Shotgun took a deep breath. “What the Boss means to say is, ‘May we take refuge in this fine establishment?’”

Cool raptor opened his mouth to reveal a pistol he’d hidden there. And by hidden I mean replaced his tongue with it.

“You know, for all crap you guys used to give me in the past, I oughta pump you full of lead right here and now. Buuutttt… the lady of the house is present, and I’m not in the mood to create more work on her end. So come on in! You’re just in time for lunch.”

Lest they attract unneeded attention, the three dinosaurs hopped inside.

.   .   .

Lunch was omurice boba tea with a bottle of teriyaki sauce on the side. It was just boba tea, but the boba had been replaced by omurice because F-Bomb hated the flavor of boba, which he likened to rabbit crap. The teriyaki sauce was teriyaki sauce.

It was the most racist thing shotgun had ever eaten.

“Well, now that you jerks have gotten a taste of my sloppy seconds, I suppose some introductions are in order. You’ve already met my lovely wife” Cool raptor gestured to the body pillow seated next to him “So that leaves you two. Mami, meet A-Hole and D-Bag. A-Hole’s got the tommy gun, D-Bag is ridin’ her sawed off shotgun, as always. They’re old… acquaintances of mine.”

“He.” Corrected D-Bag. “I’ve been using he/him pronouns six months now.”

“Well that’s an improvement. Now instead of bein’ the Boss’ side B!tch literally, you’re just his b!tch figuratively!”

“Well screw you too, F-Bomb!” laughed the boss. “An’ speakin’ of screwing, what’s with the fruity get up? You a prostitute now or something?”

“Even better! This might surprise you, but I’ve got legitimate work now. This here’s my uniform, my uniform for MILF TIDDIES!”

A-Hole chugged his entire bottle of teriyaki sauce in one go, lest his mind implode from the sheer stupidity of that sentence.

“The Hell’s a milf tiddie!?”

“Only the best freakin’ maid café in Hoikaido, hookers!”

He gestured to a wall, covered in hundreds of photos of cute floozies dressed like they were attending a vampire’s funeral. Among them was a photo of F-Bomb in his drag, serving a deep fried hot dog to some elderly Japanese dude.

“As you can see, yours truly is serving Japan’s national desert to none other than 57th Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe!”

“Hold it up. Youse been hobnobbing it with politicians?!”

“I wish! You’re thinking of Shinzo Abe, 57th Prime Minister of Japan. This guy is his twin brother. Still pretty sweet though. We DID win a Grammy for that, after all.”

A-Holes eyes bulged out of his scaly raptor head.

“YOUSE WON A GRAMMY FOR THAT?!”

“Dang right! Milf Tiddies has won sixteen Grammys since I started working there!” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. A very special piece of paper, if the six holes punched into it were any indication. “Did you know that if you win ten Grammys in a row, they give you a free orphan? That’s how the wife and I got our glorious daughter, Lil’ Nagisa!”

F-Bomb pulled a faded photo out of his wallet. A photo showing himself, his pillow wife, and a smaller body pillow of a ten-year-old moeblob wearing a Green Bay Packers cheesehead helmet.

“So youse couldn’t even conceive your own kid?” Inquired D-Bag sexily. He was munching his omurice slowly, so F-Bomb knew he was being serious.

“Are you implying I have sex with my own wife, you sick freak?! I’m a weeaboo, not some degenerate anime fanboy! Get it straight!” He instinctively cocked the pistol in his throat. It was awesome as hell.

In response, D-Bag pumped his shotgun. Loudly.

“Permission to put the sick freak out of his misery, Boss?”

“Firstly, don’t call me Boss when we’re not having anal sex. Second, no can do, my spicy lover. We need F-Bomb alive.”

F-Bomb heard all of this even though A-Hole whispered it, but he pretended not to make A-Hole feel clever.

D-Bag mumbled about how the Boss was lucky he was so mind blowing in the sack, otherwise he would have left the relationship long ago. The sack in this case being a really kinky sex dungeon. Like really kinky. So kinky even Donald Trump wouldn’t go within a mile of it. D-Bag had almost died of autoerotic asphyxiation more times than I’ve gone to the bathroom in my lifetime. That’s why he was the smartest dinosaur out of the three of them. Now where was I again?

Anyway, F-Bomb interrogated

“Alright guys, what’s the deal? I know folks who come to this socialized medical care infested hellhole, and they don’t come here just to eat omurice boba tea. You WANT me for something.”

He cocked his mouth-pistol again. Sparks flew all over the carpet, which was made of alpaca fur so it didn’t catch fire.

A-Hole scandalously kept his cool.

“It’s about Isla Nublar.”

The second those words left A-Hole’s lips, F-Bomb escorted his wife out of the kitchen, but leaned her against the kitchen door, because that’s what she would have wanted.

“Well what about it? I told ya guys, I’m done with that dump.”

“They’re puttin’ the screws on us, F-Bomb. Making us pay for eating those tourists back in the nineties.”

“And what makes you think I care? Like I said, I’m done with that place. I got a wife and kid now.”

“But F-Bomb, doesn’t the Park mean ANYTHING to ya!? What about the time we ate that park ranger that called you a girl? ‘Better than sex’ I recall you saying.”

“Nice try, but I’m not exactly in the mood to get misgendered again. Don’t you guys got any ideas that don’t involve me?”

“As a matter of fact, yours truly had this really spectacular one!”

D-Bag did a hand gesture wherein he constantly crossed his dinosaur claws across his throat rapidly in quick succession. A-Hole, being very smart, knew this meant he should continue, loudly enough so that everyone in the prefecture could hear.

“It was called ‘Trump Ballz’. We’d harvest Donald Trump’s testicles, see, and sell them to the highest bidder, so they could do whatever people do with lopped off testicles. I’m not one to judge. It was a terrific idea. I know because when I told my best friend Donald Trump about it, he said, ‘A-Hole, this is an incredible idea. Absolutely terrific! This is probably the best idea in America! You are very smart, very intelligent dinosaur! I oughta buy you a prostitute!’ Of course, we didn’t realize that Trump’s ballz don’t grow back when you lop them off. Did you know that by the way? Human testicles don’t grow back-“

F-Bomb cocked the pistol inside his throat gain, getting the Boss to shut up. This was probably the most heroic thing anyone had ever done in the history of the universe. He also asked a question:

“SO WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?!”

A-Hole vomited a severed arm and a pamphlet onto the table.

“EVERYTHING, ya WEEB trash!”

The pamphlet was for something called the Doki Idol Live Fest- DILF, for short. F-Bomb was no stranger to the DILF, but they had parted ways years ago. Six, to be exact, when he had buried Nico Yazawa’s still screaming corpse by the side of the highway. And neither was he stranger to the prize.

It looked like a beer and soda drinking baseball cap, but only to complete idiots who didn’t know crap about the Idol Life.

And F-Bomb wasn’t one of those people, er dinosaurs.

“THE MCGUFFIN OF SIN?!”

“Dam* straight! And like it or not, youse the only one with enough idol know-how to help us win it! Thing’s worth, like, a zillion dollars.”

A zillion in this case was equivalent to half a million. Still, isn’t that impressive?

F-Bomb stuck his nose in his omurice and snorted, a common intimidation tactic among velociraptors. I know because I read  it in the Scientific American.

“Sorry, guys, but even with that on the line, no can do. I’m DONE with the Idol Life, any I’m not letting you filthy casuals drag me back in.” He cocked the pistol in his throat. “NOW SCRAM!”

A-Hole and D-Bag jumped out a window, so they could get the jump on a feral dog humping its’ owner. Nobody realized they were dinosaurs because of their fake mustaches, so it looked like a pair of mobsters were eating a puppy.

When they were gone, F-Bomb pranced to the bathroom, which was filled with plush alpacas he had collected over the years. So many, in fact, the bathroom did not meet OSHA compliance. Which was why F-Bomb had made it an independent nation state, only to realize that OSHA didn’t apply to him anyway, since he lived in Japan.

He had felt really stupid after that, but at least he got his own country out of it.

Anyway, he vomited sixteen liters of blood into the sink, for F-Bomb had a secret: he was dying. Back when he was a fetus in an egg in a lab on some island in the Caribean, he’d become addicted to the illegal street drug known as WEEB, and frequent use had poisoned his lungs. The doctors had given him Socialized Medical Care and four more years to live. The WEEB had taken eighty years off his life. Socialized Medical Care had borrowed his lawnmower and never given it back.

But F-Bomb also had a dream: he and his wife were going to build their own maid café, and it would be even better than MILF Tiddies. He’d already picked a title: DILF Tiddies, and it was going to be the greatest food-selling establishment in the history of Japan. Omurice boba tea was going to go global. But he’d never get the funds on time, not on his meager salary. Unless…

His beautiful wife greeted him as he exited the bathroom.

“Get a pen and some razor blades, sweetgums. I’ve got a letter to send.”

                                                     .   .   .

The message arrived in the neck of a mailman’s severed head. This is the traditional way velociraptors send letters to each other. I read it in a book.

D-Bag didn’t see the letter, but the look on A-Hole’s face told him everything.

“What’d I tell ya, D-Bag? Like I always say, when you’re dino you’re dino all the way, till youse dead in the ground or youse come out as gay!”

“Yeah, we really need to update those lyrics.”

End Chapter 1

#My writing #jurassic park #love live

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching The Husbands of River Song for the first time

(When I started writing the post I messed up my typing and the title said “Watchgin the Husnabds of REierv Sogn for the fitrst time”)

-Oh dear, one episode closer to catching up to the show, and one step clser to a yet unknown source of heartbreak.

tf is this flying dish

Wait, they’re celebrating Christmas in 5343?

-Wow Jesus looks like you’ve really outdone yourself

-TARDIS

-TARDEEEEHS

Why is the music all doom-y and scary like this is something bad That is the best note ever

-HEEEEyyyyy it’s the bald guy from the Series 10 trailer!!

-He looks like he’d be a mouse or a hamster if he was an animal

“Is there anything on my head?”

-YES THERE IS

-OH GOSH

IT’S CONTAGIOUS

-I MUST RUN BEFORE RED CHRISTMAS RUDOLPH ANTLERS SPROUT UP ON MY HEAD

-well hello alien santa under the hood

-RIVEEEEEEER

-WTF

-WHAT THE FAAAAAAAAQ

-wait why is she so pissed-- OHHHHHH

-IT’S BEFORE SHE wait hold on a minute

-This is the first time she’s seeing his twelfth incarnation in-show, yes? No?

-*checks Wikipedia* Yes I’m right but...

-I think I’ll have to watch more before jumping to conclusions

-By the way, this.

A time travelling alien as old as time and also a fluffy grinning cat.

-”My husband is dying.”  Doctor: wtf is going on am i about to cross my own timestream or what

-”wtf river”

-Ah yes, flurry snow in the middle of a bajillion cogwheels, brilliant intro.

-Oh shit it’s Moffat

-Poor Twelve must be confused so much.

-River looks like she’s faking though. She’s not the kind of person who coos at people like that.

(unfortunately I could not find a stock photo of a cat looking exactly like this. pity.)

-No, seriously. Look at this cate.

-Anyway who the fuck is that guy in that disproportionately large armor, like, where in the actual sarlacc butthole did he come from

-River Song’s Drama has increased by 100!

-uhhh lemme see I think that’s a mix of Megaman, the old Transformers cartoon and ahh what’s that one videogame I swear there are videogames with people wearing hulky armor like that

-DAMN TWELVE DROPPIN IT

-I don’t even

-I don’t even know what I’m watching

-And yet there’s this lingering fear in the back of my mind that’s still scared of the text “Written by Steven Moffat”

-Wait, if she’s talking to the people in the little screens and they react accordingly to her gestures, then it means they’re watching her too, but where’s the camera?

-Doctor: “the fuck”

-”Do you recognize me?”  “No”  So the Doctor said no because of something unrelated but I swear a part of him just wanted to get back at River

-HE’S WHITE DIAMOND, GEMS HAVE GENDER, WHITE DIAMOND CONFIR-- nevermind wrong show

-”You’re talking about murdering someone!”  “No I’m not, I’m actually murdering someone.”

-”Do you know who you remind me of?”   “Yes, probably of a chap with a big-” (he means big chin, don’t get any ideas)   “My second wife!”

-The dialogue is top notch in this episode

-Oh no, it’s the robot king who doesn’t look like he can eat his enemies very efficiently and his legion of...

...sword-wielding Jawas.

-Heck, they even sound like Jawas.

-what the effing head

-”I wondered why we didn’t share a bathroom”

-Well for me it explains the nonsense body proportions

-”Decision overruled. Recommendation: Chill.”

-I love how the robot suit says “Chill”, it’s just so.. chill. It’s actually chilling out. It’s the chillest robot in robot history.

I have paused at just the right moment

They’re nerding out together

-Aw the Doctor’s laughing

-He’s having so much fun

-”I haven’t laughed in a long, long time.”  There. All the more merrier because of that.

-Oh god

-Okay how many people are River Song gonna hang around with in this episode

-”He only has twelve faces” OHHHHH BECAUSE RIVER DOESN’T KNOW THAT THE TIMELORDS GAVE HIM A NEW REGENERATION CYCLE DOES SHE

‘Little do they know the BBC wanted to continue the show for another fifty years.’

-noooo not the bald guy nuuuuu

-What a cynical robot

-DOCTOR JUST TELL HER THAT IT’S YOUR TARDIS

-Poor Doc

-”Oh yeah I’m SURE I’ll get SOOOO surprised”

-”It’s my girl.”

-The sarcasm is strong with this one.

-”Oh it’s BIGGER on the INSIDE how SURPRISING because I’ve NEVER seen one beFORE”

I’M DYING ASDGSDJSA;;

-”Wait, my Tardis had a fridge?”

-Sooooo when River was with Eleven she was the better driver (in terms of comfort; no offense to Eleven’s Timelording skills in general) but now Twelve is probably the calmest drver so far and River’s, well... not so much.

-”Of course I’m NOT getting frustrated by you doing everything wrong and trying to give you instructions because it’s CLEARLY not my Tardis how can you even SUGGEST such a thing”

-”Yes thank you I am a quick learner and NOTHING else, NOTHING like I’ve flown this Tardis countless times before”

-So if the Tardis can’t take off while someone’s both in and out, then this wouldn’t work, huh.

(From one of the Bunny Suicides books)

-”What sort of medical school did you go to?”

-A king does not unnecessarily endanger the lives of his people... Unless he is cross.

-LOGIC

-OH SHIT THAT GUY’S HEAD GOT CHOPPED OFF TOO

-”Death initiated.”

-The fuck kind of Star Wars cantina did they walk into

-”They’re still digesting their mother.”

-”--I will rip you open and devour you--”    “It’s my stomach.”

-Even the guy whose wife got eaten by his kids is going ‘wtf’

-The fuck kind of CGI was that

-”This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax.”    Oh boy, that’s gonna get on the Doctor’s nerves.

-”Why are you frowning?”   “How’d you know?”   “It’s audible.”

-”The man who gave me this was the sort of man who’d know exaclty how a long a diary you’re going to need.”  “Oh yeah that’s definitely not me”

-I SAW THAT EYEBROW RAISE, RIVER SONG, YOU CHEEKY LITTLE TIME TRAVELLER

-Annnnd River’s supposed to be paid by a Voldemort with a nose.

-WHAT THE FUCK HIS HEAD OPENS UP

-JEEZ!

-YOU HAVE A JAWBREAKER IN YOUR HEAD??!?

-OH MY FUCKING GOD EVERYONE HAS CRACKED UP HEADS

-For some reason, Credits seems to be the common term for whatever currency is used vaguely in scifi universes. They have Credits in Star Wars too!

-Whoever is playing that pale guy is going to have a royally sore throat by the end of the episode.

-”Hail Hydra”

-You should probably just give him the head...

-To be fair you crackhead guys did creep them out

-The thing.

-Did the head just run away or something, why are the Doctor and River so uneasy, do they really just don’t want to witness a brain surgery or am I missing something here

-Dang it Doctor.

-”The skyyyy shall crrrrrack”

-Well the head is there...

-what. the. fuck. is. happening.

-”At last I am whole again”  Well I wouldn’t really call it whole if your body’s a robot but...

-Okay.... that happened.

-*hastily muffled Steven Universy screeching*

-SCREW YOU CATFISH BUG MAN

-Why do his eyebrows make a squeak sound

-”A picnic at Asgard...”  MARVEL/DOCTOR WHO CROSSOVER CONFI-- nevermind

-jesus christ why is that guy so intent on reading River’s diary out loud

-’The Angels Take Manhattan’ was three seasons ago. And yes, that episode was written by Moffat too.

-”An infinite number of faces”   Well, I wouldn’t say it’s infinite per se...

-Besides, if there’s only the head left, wouldn’t that kind of hinder the regeneration, if not stop it altogether?

-Wait, since when was the robot the king and not the head?

-I don’t like the catfish bug guy with the French mustache. In fact, I am liking him less and less by the second.

-WHOA WAIT THAT ROBOT COULD STORE MULTIPLE HEADS IN IT? I THOUGHT IT JUST TOOK ONE OFF AND PUT ON ANOTHER

-Dammit River why would you want to hurt him like that HE IS RIGHT THERE  ;_;

-;_;

-*CRYING EMOJI INTENSIFIES*

-”Two hearts, stupid clothes--”  Well the latter changed a bit.

-MOFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

-DAMMIT MOFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

-HE IS RIGHT THERE

-DAMMIT MOFFAT

FUCK YOU MOFFAT

-TAKE MY HEART AND RIP IT APART SOME MORE WHY DON’T YOU

-”I’m an archaeologist from the future.  I dug you up.”

-DAMN

-”What do you think of my new body”  “I’ll let you know, I’ve only seen the face”  Okay it’s either me or Moffat that isn’t aware that this is a family show.

-She caught it in her f-cking boobs

-HER BOOBS

-FAMILY SHOW

-”FAMILY SHOW”

-”So, King Hydroflax?”  (idk how tf it’s spelled)  “I married the diamond!”  (”wE ARE THE CRYSTAL--””SHUT UP!!”)  “So you say.”  “Elizabeth the First.”  “Ramone.”  “Marilyn Monroe!”  “Stephen Fry!”  “Cleopatra!”  “Same thing!”

-IF YOU HAVEN’T GUESSED ALREADY, I’M DYING

Glowing cables.

-”Crashing spaceships, that’s my job.”  I feel like I should write a sentence that rhymes with this, but unfortunately I can’t.

-OH THE TOP PART OF HIS SCREWDRIVER ROTATES

-”I’ve been doing it longer!”  “I do it better!”  Like how you drive the Tardis, for example.  (I can also see the above dialogue used in a very, very, wrong, scenario, but I’ll just keep quiet and hope that it wasn’t Moffat’s intention.)

-river u ok?

-k

Looks like one of those audio equipment machines.

-Reminds me of the ‘Profit’ memes.

-1. Crash ship  2. Look outside  3. FIRE  4. Nope the fuck outta there and travel forward in time  5. ??  6. Profit

-1. Visit some yet-to-be tour spot  2. Give money to a random guy and tell him to set up a restaurant  3. Travel forward in time  4. ???  5. Profit

-River why aren’t you closing the Tardis door

-THE GOD DAMN BOT

-Oh look Nardole’s alive too

-”Now that, my dear, is a suit.”  Gotta agree.

HOLE-LEE SHEE-EHT

-THAT’S THE SCREWDRIVER FROM ‘SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY’

-THAT WAS SEASON FOUR

-MOFFAT

-YOU’VE CONSTRUCTED A PLOT STRING THAT SPANS FIVE SEASONS YOU BIG ASSHOLE GENIUS SPIDER

(Screencap of webpage http://www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/30-9.htm)

-HOLY FLUKES HOW DARE YOU

-”Are you crying?”

-i-- yes yes i am  blame moffat not me

-”There are stories about us, you know.”  “Oh, I dread to think.”  Been looking around AO3, have you River?

-m o f f a t   y o u   m o t h e r f u c k e r

-asdflsdhglljfhslhHSAHG

-ASJDAFLHGLASDJHGFALSDF

-sglsdhgflWEGyglhsghsgFLH;;1 LDG lJHGJLHAGLJhglhgljhglhHS DFHS5134 GLHFGLSDHFGh 454123gshdHFJHgjGSJDFL

-$^B&C%TB#%*&#BWKUWURH#$VB&*#B*:#V:B&*$&*B#&VBBBEYBYEBYFF

Moffat you deceitful fuck, I won’t trust you until the very end

-But thank you for sparing us from saying goodbye to her face

You forgot to say ‘forever’

-Please just let them stay together happily for those 24 years

HA I spelled it right

-Overall one of the best Christmas specials in my personal opinion, and top-notch acting by Capaldi. Really, top, notch.

#watching for the first time #doctor who #dw series 9 #the husbands of river song #twelfth doctor #river song #peter capaldi #alex kingston #doctor who christmas special #reaction #review #whovian #long post #nardole #moffat #fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck #king hydroflax

[bartsugsy]

The Robron Break-Ups : A Definitive Guide (Part One/So Many)

Foreword

Do you ever start something you wish you hadn't? Well, then you have something in common with both Katie Sugden and myself, because here, my friends, here is my magnum opus: the definitive guide to the dark times.

I, anguished, alone and with clearly no better way to spend my time, have gone back to the start of this mess of a fictional relationship we refer to as robron and counted every single break up, every single dismissal, every single time one of these boys were cruelly (or rightfully lbr) #denied by the other. Yeah. That's right. This is going to be the longest series of posts you've ever seen.

A large amount of the blame here lies with @stolemyhheart, firstly for suggesting I do this in the first place (probably not seriously, but I clearly hate myself) and for providing the genius rating system I use throughout. The rest of the blame lies with Robert, Aaron and the writers for everything they have put us through in the last 2 years.

“But Lo,” I hear you yell, “this is depressing af, what about the happy times?” WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH I HAD WRITTEN ABOUT THE HAPPY TIMES BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE ENDED IN A LOT SMALLER A WORD COUNT. But let's be honest… deep down, we all want to know just how many times it's been now that they've broken up/rejected one another…. right?

Following on from this, here is the answer to a sure to be heavily asked question: Why am I counting rejections etc. as break ups?

Honestly? It's the only way to save my sanity. I can't express how hard it would be to work out what is and is not a break up otherwise. The gdoc title of this list is actually The Robron Rejection Compendium, which is far more accurate. It’s just… It's the only way. You’ll see what I mean as we get into it.

But hey, you probably know. You've all seen it. The Rating System

For each break up, I give the following information, so that you can all see just how terrible these boys are at staying away from one another:

How long did it last?

Who came crawling back first?

How little did they mean it? (Score out of a possible 5, with 5 being 'they meant it as much as any two people can mean a break up and still end up back together' and 1 being 'get out of my life but also let's go to a theme park together tomorrow')

Anyway, onwards we go - starting at the beginning. Pre-affair days, because I was already here and why not, honestly?

Follow me as I list out every time robron broke up (or said they didn't want to be with each other), and narrate you through it, like Jimmy Carr in one of those random Christmas TV filler list countdown specials.

(Pre-warning : this post gets lightly nsfw pretty quickly, with hatesex talk and makeup sex talk abounds, because I have no restraint.)

Part One : Pre-Manslaughter

1. 24 November 2014

Ah, the first rejection. An iconic one - mostly because of all the wall-slamming. Do you miss the wall-slamming? I miss the wall-slamming.

For context - Aaron and Robert have a little Woolpack Bathroom Confrontation™ over Chrissie’s ring, which was stolen in their little Fake Robbery Escapade™ and then Aaron actually finds and retrieves Chrissie's ring from Ross, because Aaron is a good and decent soul. Robert smiles in response and looks at him in a slightly different, 'you could be worth more to me than I initially thought' way. Which is nice, because 2014!Robert seemed to always immediately assume all people were worthless morons not worthy of his time. Because 2014!Robert is a grade-A butthole. (I love him though. I love him.)

Anyway, Robert decides to reward Aaron by tracking him down and offering him cash, so really in this scene, Aaron is actually rejecting Robert's money as opposed to his dick, but it's still a rejection and honestly, as previously mentioned, if I don't get really liberal with the definition, I won't make it out of this alive. Also, please, as if they didn't both go home and think about being pressed up against that wall together all night. I bet Aaron was really annoyed about it too. You just know he hated how attracted he was to Robert's smug face. How long did it last? A day? No time at all, honestly.  

Who came crawling back first? Robert, absolutely not taking Aaron’s ‘stay out of my way’ warnings to heart and instead deciding to confront him in the pub over Aaron’s ~obvious feelings for Chrissie~. Ok, Robert.

How little did they mean it? 5/5, because Aaron really didn't want Rob’s money. (Did want his dick tho, he just didn't quite realise that that would be on offer)

2. 2nd December 2014

Second on our list, it's the ‘Chrissie wants to buy Rob a car’ moment. Rob is all panicky and on-edge at the idea of Aaron talking to Chrissie (because he doesn't want Aaron spilling about the fake robbery and Aaron looks about as mild and easy to control as a live wire).

Chrissie leaves and Aaron yells at Robert about putting the woman he's about to marry through a shitty time and Robert… doesn't really care too much, to be honest. Aaron doesn't want to deal with him anymore and walks away. Robert gets this look on his face. Is it guilt? Maybe? He's really hard to read at this point, ok, he's like a moral black hole, but Aaron’s words have had some sort of effect, nonetheless.

How long did it last? Minutes? As long as it took Bob to make two americanos? The next time we see them, Aaron’s slamming a car boot down and still visibly agitated and Rob’s got the aforementioned coffees in and is trying to make nice

Who came crawling back first? Robert, with his coffee and his smiles and his apologies. Does he genuinely mean it? Is he just trying to keep Aaron on side so that he can potentially keep him quiet longer? Probably a mixture of both, let's be real. But Rob’s smile is cute and Aaron's smile in response is just as sweet and GUYS THEY'RE ALREADY IN LOVE IT'S HAPPENED THEY'RE BONDING OVER COFFEE AND CARS (and Chrissie?)

How little did they mean it? 2/5. Aaron genuinely did think Robert was being a terrible person, but also, it literally lasted minutes and all Rob had to do was buy a cup of coffee and turn on the charm to make things better… and oh boy, is Aaron a sucker for that charm.

Honourable Mention #1

The first honorary mention appears here, on 3/12/14, while Robert is having a Sugden family meal that's going just as well as you would expect a Sugden family meal to go and Diane invites Aaron to join in on the fun. Robert isn't about this idea at all, apparently and says so and then the two of them make subtexty sexual tension eyes at each other across the room. Robert runs away immediately, probably because he doesn't want the rest of his family to know he's in a constant state of ‘5 seconds away from ripping Aaron’s clothes off with his teeth’.

3. 3rd December 2014

Next up, we have what I like to call The First Date Rejection. Aaron came out to Robert, Rob got this Curious Look™ on his face and watched Aaron walk away. They made googly eyes at one another in front of Robert’s entire family and Aaron now finds Rob sitting in his car and for reasons that I can only assume relate to the wall-slamming incident and all the heated looks they've been sharing every time they're within touching distance of one another, Aaron basically asks Robert out on a date. It's not really intended to be a romantic date but... they both know they'd getting lucky at the end of it. Aaron’s trying to play it cool and kind of failing. Most inconvenient crush ever, am I right? Anyway, Robert blind panics again and immediately turns Aaron down, sounding insulted at Aaron’s entirely accurate reading of the situation. Aaron gets annoyed because honestly, why did he expect more from Robert in the first place? It all plays out in subtext and it's amazing, but also everyone is sad and no one is getting laid.

How long did it last? A day. An entire day.

Who came crawling back first? Robert again, fresh with the knowledge that Aaron would absolutely be up for it, desperately wanting to do something about it himself and also looking to get some payback on Chrissie for doubting his fidelity. Yeah... you... you show her Robert... how... how dare she believe that you couldn't be faithful to her… you! Of all… of all the people...

How little did they mean it? 2/5, because Robert is still scared of himself (and probably doesn't want to play away so close to home, more on that later) but also, you just know that he really wishes he could go flirt with Aaron over drinks and away from prying eyes and not care - as seen by his troubled face in the very last shot of the scene. Poor, deeply closeted Robert. Aaron is absolutely on to you, my son.

4. 4th December 2014 - The First Kiss (Rejections)

Ah. Ah the lay by. Iconic location of an iconic first kiss. Now since I'm obviously here to talk less about the romantic stuff, and more about the heartache, heart break and general You’re Dead To Me’s, I'm going to skip the mush and hop straight to the good stuff. Robert, having made the decision to throw caution to the wind in an impulsive angry reaction to Chrissie’s doubts, does the following: fakes a breakdown (or not even - just turning the engine off, what kind of terrible cover), gets Aaron's number from Vic and lures Aaron out to the side of a road under false pretenses.

Aaron gets there, pretty quickly realises what's up and he is All. About. It. Then, of course, Robert panics and chickens out, but Aaron has long had him sussed, chases after him and that's about as far as Rob’s defences will hold when it comes to Aaron.

They have an epic, epic first kiss that turns into an epic, epic make out session. All that sexual tension that's been building expressed in one moment - enough that Aaron basically starts shoving Robert into his low loader and pulling off his shirt, because they've both had Enough™ of the whole sensible restraint thing.

Naturally, this is when Robert freaks out again and pulls away. Aaron follows, they almost go at it again on the hood of Robert’s car and then finally, Rob comes to his senses and drives away.

(I lied earlier. I really didn't skip the mush at all. They love each other and they want to bang. That's all.)

How long did it last? The first pull away lasted a whole whopping second. The second one? Just long enough for Robert to bone Chrissie, realise he still wasn't satisfied because he wanted Aaron and then hang around the garage like a creeper for a bit. So about 2 hours.

Who came crawling back first? True to form once more, it's Robert, looking to scratch a particularly cute and scruffy itch that his fiancé just couldn't help with.

How little did they mean it? 1/5, Rob’s panicking again, still woefully in the closet and… probably coming to his senses a little, realising that this wouldn't end well? Aaron’s too close to home, already has too much to hold over Robert without this too, and… it's just not a good idea, is it?

But really, as we know, all of Robert’s defences are absolutely useless against Aaron, so… onto garage sex (or blowjobs anyway, I'm still saying blowjobs) in some rando’s car. Beautiful.

5. 5th December 2014

So, they've banged in a car (and then Robert went back and banged Chrissie again, because apparently he's literally the horniest person alive) and now we skip to the next day, where Aaron has managed to find a car for Robert, per Chrissie’s request.

At home farm, Chrissie wants to have a little private chat with Aaron about payment and Robert, panicking once more over his terrible decisions, pulls Aaron to the side and offers him hush money. Again. Because he apparently did not learn the first time.

Aaron, as expected, does not take this well.

How long did it last? About 3 days.

Who came crawling back first? Aaron? If you count taking Finn out to make Robert jealous, having the plan backfire entirely and make Robert more smug and then going out and absolutely battering Rob’s new car as “crawling back”. Either way, there's more wall-slamming and they end up having angry sex in Aaron’s room, so it's a win all round. Except for Rob’s car. And Chrissie, I guess.

How little did they mean it? 4/5. Enough that they ended up having angry sex a few days later, anyway. That counts as ‘meaning it’ in the robron book of arguments.

And that’s Part One! Tune in next time... maybe we’ll get to 2015. God help me what am I doing 

#robron #the robron rejection compendium #long post #ed

[chibidashie]

Romano Goes to Middle Earth: The Thrilling Shitfest

Okay but me and @blankbee had an idea where Romano goes to Middle Earth and shit happens while he is just having shenanigans in Middle Earth. Anyways here’s a shitty fanfic for you to enjoy, my dudes.

Plot: Romano suddenly wakes up in Middle Earth, the setting for J.R.R Tolkien’s The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion. Let’s say Romano isn’t very happy about where he is, and wonders how he even got there. Not to mention, Romano does a lot of shenanigans. Like a lot of shenanigans. How will Romano get back home to his brother?

~~

Romano blinked his eyes as he awoke from his slumber, only to see the bright blue sky above him. Birds were chirping, bees were buzzing. But something felt rather...off. Romano looked around and saw a totally different atmosphere around him. He squinted, seeing that there are burrows in the ground all around him, not to mention people coming out of these burrows. All Romano could do was scream. 

“WHERE THE FUCK AM I?” Romano shouted,  “THIS ISN’T MY BEDROOM! THIS...THIS MUST BE ALL BUT A JOKE!”

Suddenly, people started approaching Romano as they heard his cries for help. They seemed big from afar, but as these people came closer, they were actually really short. Like, they were only three feet tall and actually had really, and I mean, REALLY HAIRY FEET! Romano saw these short as heck people and screamed...again.

“Oh, there’s no need to be scared!” said one of these short people, “We’re just hobbits!”

Romano stood up and squinted at one of these...hobbits. Was Romano really hallucinating from too many tomatoes? Then, Romano saw that these hobbits were actually a lot shorter than him but he couldn’t help but laugh at every single one of them, which eventually made a baby cry in the distance.

“Anyways, where do you come from, big person?”

“I’m from Italy, dumbass short person. Can’t you tell?”

These hobbits never heard of this land called “Italy” before. They just laughed at Romano instead. 

“Are you serious? What is this Italy?”

Romano was getting fuckin pissed. “If Italy makes you laugh, then where the fuck am I?!”

“Oh you see, this is the Shire!”

“The Shire?”

“The Shire!”

“Okay, this must be just a prank. What kind of land even is this?!”

“Oh, this is Middle-Earth you see! Inside Middle-Earth is the Shire, where you are right now! And you came just in time for Bilbo’s huge as heck birthday party!!”

Romano giggled at the name Bilbo. “Bilbo...sounds like Dildo and Bible!” 

“What’s a dildo and why are you making fun of old Bilbo? What did Mr. Baggins ever do to you, huh?”

Romano’s immaturity was really showing. “Oh you see, a dildo is this..uh, a kind of...sausage that... you stick up your butthole.”

“Why would someone waste a perfectly delicious sausage and put it up their anus?! Whoever thought of that is literally worse than Smaug!” 

Romano was laughing his goddamn head off. “Oh my god, you people are like children!” Romano continued laughing at an entire race of people until he heard something nearby him.

“Oh my goodness! I’m going miss my second breakfast!” exclaimed one hobbit that was awfully familiar in Tolkien’s canon,

“Waitwaitwait...” Romano stood up and followed this hobbit, “Did you say...Second breakfast?” 

“Uh, yea? We always have breakfast, second breakfast---”

“SIGN ME THE FUCK UP”

“Oh, do you want to have second breakfast with me?”

“SIGN ME THE FUCK UP BECAUSE I’M FUCKIN HUNGRY”

So Romano followed this hobbit to his little hobbit hole in the ground. First, this hobbit entered his home and allowed Romano to get inside like a proper hobbit. However, shit happens. Romano somehow got stuck in the hobbit hole!

“Oh dear...”

“Why is this fuckin door so small?! How do people even get in there?!”

“Uh, I saw Gandalf get in Bilbo’s hobbit hole with no issue, though. Do not fear, for I will just bring your food over to you!” 

“Does this mean I have to live like this for the rest of my goddamn life?!”

“Maybe Gandalf will get you out of this mess!” The hobbit brought over a second breakfast for Romano that was mostly eggs and sausages.

“Okay but who is this ‘Gandalf’ to speak of?” Romano ate his only breakfast while conversing with this hobbit.

“Gandalf is so cool! He’s this wizard who is so cool and does all this cool magic...stuff! Not to mention he helped old Bilbo to the Lonely Mountain to defeat Smaug once and for all! And then there was this battle, the battle of the five armies--” 

“Sounds like Gandhi. Anyways, what is your name you little pipsqueak?”

“Oh, uh, it’s Pippin, sir. You were close.”

“PIPPIN YOU HAD ONE JOB!” some other hobbit exclaimed outside of Pippin’s hobbit hole. “WHO IS THIS BIG PERSON WHO GOT STUCK IN YOUR DOOR?!”

Romano, being a cheeky little fuck decided to wiggle his legs, but he accidentally kicked Pippin’s friend. 

“Hey! Why did you kick Merry?!”

“Oh, whoops.” Romano gave Pippin a shit-eating grin, like he didn’t do anything wrong. Clearly, Pippin’s friendo Merry was pissed that this...human...was blocking his way. Romano ate his second breakfast cheerfully as he blocked Merry’s way.

“Uh, big person, will you get out of my-”

“Nah.”

“But sir, I need my second breakfa-”

“I’m eating it”

“YOU WHAT?!”

Merry was clearly pissed at Romano for eating his second breakfast, and he had enough of Romano’s shenanigans. 

“Uh, big person sir, can you not be so snarky to my friend?” Pippin asked,

“Eh, but I like second breakfast.” Romano said while chewing some delicious scrambled eggs. Not surprisingly from being stuck, Romano felt rather dizzy. He slowly grew drowsy, and soon enough, passed out. 

Romano opened his eyes again, only to see that he was actually in a bed all by himself. Shocked, Romano thought he was actually at home for once. “Hooray!” Romano cheered, “I’m home! I’m home!” Romano ran out the room without noticing that Romano wasn’t actually at home.

“Veneziano, where are you?! I need to tell you about this weird dream I had!” Romano tripped on the floor and saw something that appeared to be a hobbit, but actually had a beard. 

“Aye! Watch where you’re going!” 

“Oh my god not another hobbit,”

“Hobbit?” The bearded man laughed so hard. “Nay! I am a dwarf! You are a man!”

“Well, no shit Sherlock,” Romano sneered, “I can’t believe you’re in my house! Get out!”

“Nay! Nay! This isn’t your house. You’re in Rivendell, you ignoramus.” 

“Rivendell? Wow, that sounds like something Potato Bastard would say.” 

“Are you calling me a potato bastard?!” The dwarf pointed his ax at Romano. 

“Oh no! You see, my brother likes this...uh, guy, who really likes potatoes and I hate him because...uh, he’s trying to convert him to Potato religion.”

The dwarf laughed. “Are you serious? A Potato religion?! That sounds amazing!”

“NO IT IS NOT AMAZING, IT IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE! WHY WOULD YOU WORSHIP A TERRIBLE VEGETABLE?!” 

“Listen here you gullible piece of shit, potatoes are the greatest thing to ever exist in Middle Earth and I will wreck you with my axe---”

Romano screamed and nearly pissed himself at the fact that a dwarf was nearly going to kill him with an ax, just because Romano hates potatoes.

“Please don’t hurt me your tininess, I will eat a potato!”

“Aye, just messin with ya. I respect your opinion. Come! We shall feast!”

Romano stood back up and arrived in a room where everyone was feasting. He groaned at the fact he saw Merry and Pippin there as well. 

“Okay Pipsqueak, how did I get here?” Romano asked,

“Uh, you see, we had to use my entire supply of butter to get you out while you were passed out, sir--”

Romano looked at his sides and screamed at the fact that there were butter stains on his uniform. The entire room went silent, as everyone stared at Romano. 

“AND HOW DID I EVEN GET HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!” Romano grabbed Pippin and shook him violently.

“H-hey! Can you not? Okay. So I was told that Gandalf found you and literally dragged you all the way here! Oh my goodness, you’re so lucky that Gandalf even!” 

“Gandhi dragged my ass all the way here? Wow.”

Suddenly out of nowhere, the door opened and revealed the most goddamn handsome elf to ever exist in literature.

“GOLLUM ESCAPED!” He shouted, “THIS IS ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS! WE LITERALLY JUST LOCKED HIM WITH A BUNCH OF LOCKS AND HE STILL ESCAPED!”

Romano locked eyes with the elven man who barged into the feast. This man looked awfully familiar... Was this the man who killed Grandpa Rome? Indeed, Romano thought. That potato bastard’s grandpa is still alive! I’m going to kill that motherfucker with my own hands! Romano lunged forward to the elf man and strangled him. 

“YOU KILLED MY GRANDPA, MOTHERFUCKER!” Romano screeched as he violently strangled the elf, “NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!”

“Nay! Nay!” The elf screamed, “I did not kill your grandfather! I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood!” 

“DON’T LIE TO ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU KILLED GRANDPA ROME AND YOU KNOW IT!”

Another man held Romano back as he tried to break the fistfight between Romano and Legolas. All Romano can do now was screech at the elf man. 

“Do you not realize that is Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood?” The man holding back Romano said, “You fool!”

“NO YOU DUMBASS, THAT IS GERMANIA, SLAYER OF GRANDPA ROME!” 

“Um, did you check his ears?”

“Why the fuck would I check this hideous beast’s ears?!”

“Wow, that’s just racist.” Legolas interrupted, “And I am the fairest elf ever. All the ladies love me~”

Romano squinted at Legolas until he realized that this was an elf he was speaking to. He suddenly burst out laughing.

“Oh my god, did Potato Bastard’s grandpa get a fucking EAR JOB?!”

Legolas was pissed at Romano and grabbed him by the collar of his uniform. “Listen here you racist, I am an elf! AN ELF! I AM AN ELF! E! L! F! SEE?! S E E?! MY EARS WERE ALWAYS LIKE THIS!!!”

“Yea, like plastic surgery actually exists in this land-”

Everyone looked at Romano, bamboozled at his statement. 

“What even is this ‘plastic surgery’ you speak of?” The man holding Romano said, “As Legolas said, I, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, am also naturally attractive. And the ladies also adore me too~.”

“Can you please let me go, Aragorn, son of Arathorn? You’re making me claustrophobic with your arms!” 

“Fine.” Aragorn let go of Romano as he just flopped on the ground. Romano passed out on the floor immediately upon impact of the hard, wooden floor...

Romano screamed loudly as he awoke. Looking around, he was actually in his bedroom. He sighed in relief, thanking that he was no longer in Middle-Earth. “Thank goodness I am not in that Middle-Earth no longer! No more short people with hairy feet! No more Potato Bastard Elf!” 

“Romano, are you okay?!” Italy barged into Romano’s bedroom, “Romano! Tell me you’re okay!” 

“Yeah, I had a strange dream, Veneziano. You see, I was transported to this place called Middle-Earth where I saw these short people called Hobbits who had hairy feet and I got stuck in one of their homes while one of them fed me a second breakfast! Then I got to this place where first of all, I saw a tiny dwarf man who threatened to kill me with an ax. Then I might have swore I saw Potato Bastard’s grandpa with an earjob!”

“Wow Romano, that sounds just like Lord of the Rings!” 

“Wait, what?”

“Oh, you see, during a world meeting, I was recommended to read this! It’s called Lord of the Rings and I’m on the first book called The Fellowship of the Ring! It’s really good! Legolas reminds me of Germany’s grandpa!”

Romano sighed and smacked Italy’s copy of The Fellowship of the Ring out of his hands. 

“I’m not going back to Middle-Earth ever again.”

~THE END~

#hetalia #fanfiction #fanfic #aph romano

[adambstingus]

4 Things You’d Never Guess About The Opposite Sex’s Crotch

The world is a crazy mishmash of diversity. We have different faiths, different politics, and above all, different crotches. In general, we have two kinds of crotches, but those two kinds are mystifying and perplexing to the ones not wielding them. And you may not think so now. You may be thinking “Man, I have been up in so many crotches in my day, I’m like a crotch Da Vinci” but let me assure you, that crotch still holds many a mystery that you never even imagined.

4

Missing Balls

Ladies, are you familiar with balls or, as they’re known in science circles, deez nutz? They’re a pair of oversensitive little snowflakes that men carry around in their pastrami coin purses and, beyond a biological function, they’re mostly just decorative. Fun for teabagging, ridiculously capable of collecting sweat, and oddly musky after a day of playing sports or just sitting in a room with no AC. You’re likely aware of most of this from all the ball porn you ladies watch. But what you may not be aware of, and what you really have no reason to be aware of, is the fact that your average nut has a serious case of wanderlust. Sometimes, just sometimes, a ball will just up and vanish.

PIRO4D/Pixabay This shit is just a Bermuda Triangle of balls.

What do I mean vanish? I mean take the fuck off. Pack up their bindle stick and head out for a life on the road. And it’s only ever one at a time, as though your nuts had a heated argument and one forced the other to go spend the night at its parents’ house. So your sack will still be slouching there against your thigh like a drunk trying to stay on the dance floor, and one ball will be holed up in there like the Unabomber in his shack. The other one will be three fingers deep in your torso, exploring the nooks and crannies of whatever the fuck is equidistant between your dick and your butthole.

To the best of my knowledge, your balls will occasionally rise up like the disgruntled citizens of an unjust regime, but it’s generally for warmth. This isn’t that. This is like a lava lamp situation, with blorpy stuff just oozing about because it can, no real rhyme or reason behind it. The little vagrant will always return home in short order, no worse for the wear and tight lipped about what sights he may have seen. But know that sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s a nut that’s just gone walkabout like a little semen-producing Crocodile Dundee.

Walkerssk/Pixabay “I have a journey to go on, my friends. You won’t understand it, but you will be in my ball heart.” – Your nut sack

In technical terms, they call this a retractile testicle, which is a great name. Your cremaster muscle gets a little overactive, like how if you work out too hard and you’re super pumped, your biceps and triceps will just totally rage in a spastic fashion. Only this time, it’s in your bag, and your nut will just zip up like a monkey on a vine. It can happen due to anxiety or just some stimulation in that area. So nothing crazy or darkly magical, just some crazy ball roaming.

3

Anytime Boners

Ladies, you’ve met a boner before, right? And for you younger and/or chaste readers, you’ve read my terribly offensive articles before, right? So you’re probably at least on handshake terms with boners. You know where they live, their general habits, and their diet. I would even wager you heard in health class or from a guy on the bus that a boner can crop up at the weirdest times? For instance, when a dude’s jorts rub him the wrong way or he sees a canary melon and thinks of a boob. Ha ha, boners are the unpredictable scamps of the coital world. But did you have any idea how unpredictable they are?

Aside from the normal reason and the just-a-few houses down from normal reasons, there is a fun melange of nightmare reasons why boners occur. Obviously medication side effects can lead to erections, but so can spider bites, fear of being a sexual deviant, meal supplements, and comically tragic bicycle injuries. These scenarios all sound radically different, but they all have one factor that connects them: Near them, the boner lurks.

How does pain manage to dance with boners in people who don’t typically get off on pain? That’s one of the mysteries of science, but any number of uncomfortable feelings from anxiety to nervousness to just outright agony can and will give way to Mr. Blinky standing tall and trying to do his thing, even if the rest of your body is a quivering mass of discomfort.

In terms of injuries, it can be a matter as simple as a blood-flow problem — you damage a wang artery, the blood can’t flow the way it should, you end up saluting the flag every time you move. But when that’s not the case, the cause can sometimes be a mystery to medical science — your dick plays its cards close to the balls and doesn’t explain itself all that often.

2

Menstrual Pad Importance

As a man, there’s only so much I can do to help support and understand women. I don’t want to be a douche, and I don’t think most people want to, even if they succeed at it admirably. I want to do the best I can to try to understand everyone’s worldview, and as a white dude who grew up in a white neighborhood where people never really talked about politics, the outside world or anything particularly heavy at all, it’s a process. Part of this process is trying to wrap my head around pads, which is distinctly different from wrapping pads around my head. Is this world changing or deeply philosophical? Does it solve humanity’s problems or rise to the level of anything profound that helps better our species? Maybe not, but I don’t write articles to save the world. Sometimes, we just need to sit back and wonder about the mysteries of shit that are obvious to everyone else.

Most men, at some point, will be tasked with purchasing pads for someone in need. It happens. In the world of sitcoms, it’s a terribly embarrassing endeavor and you must sheepishly enter the aisle and pretend you’re shopping for something else and then look like a deer caught in the headlights when the cashier inevitably calls for a price check. On pads! For vaginas! Oh man, is your face red! THE BEER BACON MANLY MAN IS BUYING THE LADY OBJECTS. PLANT A SCARLET LETTER UPON HIS CHEST.

phouavang82/Pixabay BETTER EAT MORE BACON, BEER BACON MANLY MAN, OR YOU WILL BEAR THIS WOMANLY SHAME UNTIL YOUR UNMANLY DYING DAY.

In real life, buying pads is like buying something that isn’t a pad. However, and this is key, while you were probably told exactly what kind to buy, if they don’t have what you’re looking for, if you forget, or if nothing was specified for some reason, you have no chance of choosing the right one. Pads are like the Grail at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. There’s a ton of choices and if you choose poorly, expect to become a dusty skeleton in no time under the withering glare of the woman you’ve just disappointed.

In my mind, pads operate like deodorant or the Walmart underwear rack. Sure I see a lot of options, but at the end of the day, I can probably make due with anything that’s there. But holy shit, not so with pads. Despite your general knowledge of a woman’s flower and its botanical habit of sloughing off an internal uterine layer, not every pad can accommodate this for every woman. Wings may be necessary to anchor that slippery little shit in place. You also need to factor in absorbency based on flow, the shape of the pad, the fabric of the pad, and the general way it fits because you never want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole, especially if you have the wrong-sized pad wrapped around it.

There’s literally no way you can get the correct pad on a whim as a dude except for blind luck. You have to have instruction or you might as well be trying to figure out what your cat means when it turns its head and stares at you all shifty-like when you’re on the toilet.

It’s not that I or any man is necessarily dumb for not “getting” pads. It’s just that there’s no common ground to meet on. I can only conceive of, in the most basic way, the issues with trying to properly fit something on or near a body part I don’t have. I can’t even decide if “on” or “near” are the right words to use, that’s how unqualified I am to deal with this.

1

Fart Smuggling

I didn’t want to make this article dark. I didn’t want to “go there,” as the hip kids say. But dammit, I’m going there. And you’re coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

Surely we can all be adults when we discuss flatulence, or “floating air biscuits,” if you will. Who amongst us hasn’t gorged themselves on a hearty baked bean and cauliflower casserole laced with vegan ham and awoken the next morning feeling like a gremlin was trying to breakdance its way from our asshole? Farts are natural and beautiful in the way that any kind of fetid gas from one’s shit shooter is beautiful.

There is a thing I learned, though. A thing told to me by a woman who, upon learning the topic of this article, took a moment to stare off into space as she pondered the idea. After a brief period of silence, her expression became inspired and she eagerly said to me, “What about farts in your vagina?”

First, I hope that was the first time that sentence was ever uttered aloud. I get a kick out of feeling like I’ve heard or said something literally no one in mankind’s history has ever seen or heard. But second, I was briefly confused.

“Queefs?” I asked, as if it was the most natural follow up in a normal conversation. She shook her head.

“Gross, no. OK, sometimes, as a woman, when you fart it maybe goes forward instead of back? And it can sneak into your vagina.”

I stared as though I were Paul Atreides having just consumed the Water of Life and my mind was expanding beyond space and time. I imagined a stealthy fart creeping forth under the cover of night, holding up at the border of the ass cheeks until the Vaginal Guards had a shift change, then sneaking like a ninja across the Taint Barrier and backflipping into the safety of the vagina.

“What does it do once it gets in there?” I asked, enraptured. Her expression changed to one I’m all too familiar with. One that says “Please stop speaking.”

“What do you think it does? It’s not a DJ, it’s not having a party. It just gets stuck. You have to kind of shift and shimmy a bit to force it back out.”

I nodded. This was reasonable. Not reasonable, but understandable. A woman, biologically, has a terrible system of fart management set up down there. As a man, when one of my farts takes a wrong turn out of the gate, it just bubbles up under my ballsack and sits there like a frightened mouse until I peel the sack away from the thigh and release it back into the wild. But a woman has an entire mouse house. I had never imagined.

Briefly, I wondered if I’d ever been visiting the enchanted grotto when there was an unwanted guest in the pantry, but then shrugged it off. Best not to know, probably.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164382494652

[samanthasroberts]

4 Things You’d Never Guess About The Opposite Sex’s Crotch

The world is a crazy mishmash of diversity. We have different faiths, different politics, and above all, different crotches. In general, we have two kinds of crotches, but those two kinds are mystifying and perplexing to the ones not wielding them. And you may not think so now. You may be thinking “Man, I have been up in so many crotches in my day, I’m like a crotch Da Vinci” but let me assure you, that crotch still holds many a mystery that you never even imagined.

4

Missing Balls

Ladies, are you familiar with balls or, as they’re known in science circles, deez nutz? They’re a pair of oversensitive little snowflakes that men carry around in their pastrami coin purses and, beyond a biological function, they’re mostly just decorative. Fun for teabagging, ridiculously capable of collecting sweat, and oddly musky after a day of playing sports or just sitting in a room with no AC. You’re likely aware of most of this from all the ball porn you ladies watch. But what you may not be aware of, and what you really have no reason to be aware of, is the fact that your average nut has a serious case of wanderlust. Sometimes, just sometimes, a ball will just up and vanish.

PIRO4D/Pixabay This shit is just a Bermuda Triangle of balls.

What do I mean vanish? I mean take the fuck off. Pack up their bindle stick and head out for a life on the road. And it’s only ever one at a time, as though your nuts had a heated argument and one forced the other to go spend the night at its parents’ house. So your sack will still be slouching there against your thigh like a drunk trying to stay on the dance floor, and one ball will be holed up in there like the Unabomber in his shack. The other one will be three fingers deep in your torso, exploring the nooks and crannies of whatever the fuck is equidistant between your dick and your butthole.

To the best of my knowledge, your balls will occasionally rise up like the disgruntled citizens of an unjust regime, but it’s generally for warmth. This isn’t that. This is like a lava lamp situation, with blorpy stuff just oozing about because it can, no real rhyme or reason behind it. The little vagrant will always return home in short order, no worse for the wear and tight lipped about what sights he may have seen. But know that sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s a nut that’s just gone walkabout like a little semen-producing Crocodile Dundee.

Walkerssk/Pixabay “I have a journey to go on, my friends. You won’t understand it, but you will be in my ball heart.” – Your nut sack

In technical terms, they call this a retractile testicle, which is a great name. Your cremaster muscle gets a little overactive, like how if you work out too hard and you’re super pumped, your biceps and triceps will just totally rage in a spastic fashion. Only this time, it’s in your bag, and your nut will just zip up like a monkey on a vine. It can happen due to anxiety or just some stimulation in that area. So nothing crazy or darkly magical, just some crazy ball roaming.

3

Anytime Boners

Ladies, you’ve met a boner before, right? And for you younger and/or chaste readers, you’ve read my terribly offensive articles before, right? So you’re probably at least on handshake terms with boners. You know where they live, their general habits, and their diet. I would even wager you heard in health class or from a guy on the bus that a boner can crop up at the weirdest times? For instance, when a dude’s jorts rub him the wrong way or he sees a canary melon and thinks of a boob. Ha ha, boners are the unpredictable scamps of the coital world. But did you have any idea how unpredictable they are?

Aside from the normal reason and the just-a-few houses down from normal reasons, there is a fun melange of nightmare reasons why boners occur. Obviously medication side effects can lead to erections, but so can spider bites, fear of being a sexual deviant, meal supplements, and comically tragic bicycle injuries. These scenarios all sound radically different, but they all have one factor that connects them: Near them, the boner lurks.

How does pain manage to dance with boners in people who don’t typically get off on pain? That’s one of the mysteries of science, but any number of uncomfortable feelings from anxiety to nervousness to just outright agony can and will give way to Mr. Blinky standing tall and trying to do his thing, even if the rest of your body is a quivering mass of discomfort.

In terms of injuries, it can be a matter as simple as a blood-flow problem — you damage a wang artery, the blood can’t flow the way it should, you end up saluting the flag every time you move. But when that’s not the case, the cause can sometimes be a mystery to medical science — your dick plays its cards close to the balls and doesn’t explain itself all that often.

2

Menstrual Pad Importance

As a man, there’s only so much I can do to help support and understand women. I don’t want to be a douche, and I don’t think most people want to, even if they succeed at it admirably. I want to do the best I can to try to understand everyone’s worldview, and as a white dude who grew up in a white neighborhood where people never really talked about politics, the outside world or anything particularly heavy at all, it’s a process. Part of this process is trying to wrap my head around pads, which is distinctly different from wrapping pads around my head. Is this world changing or deeply philosophical? Does it solve humanity’s problems or rise to the level of anything profound that helps better our species? Maybe not, but I don’t write articles to save the world. Sometimes, we just need to sit back and wonder about the mysteries of shit that are obvious to everyone else.

Most men, at some point, will be tasked with purchasing pads for someone in need. It happens. In the world of sitcoms, it’s a terribly embarrassing endeavor and you must sheepishly enter the aisle and pretend you’re shopping for something else and then look like a deer caught in the headlights when the cashier inevitably calls for a price check. On pads! For vaginas! Oh man, is your face red! THE BEER BACON MANLY MAN IS BUYING THE LADY OBJECTS. PLANT A SCARLET LETTER UPON HIS CHEST.

phouavang82/Pixabay BETTER EAT MORE BACON, BEER BACON MANLY MAN, OR YOU WILL BEAR THIS WOMANLY SHAME UNTIL YOUR UNMANLY DYING DAY.

In real life, buying pads is like buying something that isn’t a pad. However, and this is key, while you were probably told exactly what kind to buy, if they don’t have what you’re looking for, if you forget, or if nothing was specified for some reason, you have no chance of choosing the right one. Pads are like the Grail at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. There’s a ton of choices and if you choose poorly, expect to become a dusty skeleton in no time under the withering glare of the woman you’ve just disappointed.

In my mind, pads operate like deodorant or the Walmart underwear rack. Sure I see a lot of options, but at the end of the day, I can probably make due with anything that’s there. But holy shit, not so with pads. Despite your general knowledge of a woman’s flower and its botanical habit of sloughing off an internal uterine layer, not every pad can accommodate this for every woman. Wings may be necessary to anchor that slippery little shit in place. You also need to factor in absorbency based on flow, the shape of the pad, the fabric of the pad, and the general way it fits because you never want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole, especially if you have the wrong-sized pad wrapped around it.

There’s literally no way you can get the correct pad on a whim as a dude except for blind luck. You have to have instruction or you might as well be trying to figure out what your cat means when it turns its head and stares at you all shifty-like when you’re on the toilet.

It’s not that I or any man is necessarily dumb for not “getting” pads. It’s just that there’s no common ground to meet on. I can only conceive of, in the most basic way, the issues with trying to properly fit something on or near a body part I don’t have. I can’t even decide if “on” or “near” are the right words to use, that’s how unqualified I am to deal with this.

1

Fart Smuggling

I didn’t want to make this article dark. I didn’t want to “go there,” as the hip kids say. But dammit, I’m going there. And you’re coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

Surely we can all be adults when we discuss flatulence, or “floating air biscuits,” if you will. Who amongst us hasn’t gorged themselves on a hearty baked bean and cauliflower casserole laced with vegan ham and awoken the next morning feeling like a gremlin was trying to breakdance its way from our asshole? Farts are natural and beautiful in the way that any kind of fetid gas from one’s shit shooter is beautiful.

There is a thing I learned, though. A thing told to me by a woman who, upon learning the topic of this article, took a moment to stare off into space as she pondered the idea. After a brief period of silence, her expression became inspired and she eagerly said to me, “What about farts in your vagina?”

First, I hope that was the first time that sentence was ever uttered aloud. I get a kick out of feeling like I’ve heard or said something literally no one in mankind’s history has ever seen or heard. But second, I was briefly confused.

“Queefs?” I asked, as if it was the most natural follow up in a normal conversation. She shook her head.

“Gross, no. OK, sometimes, as a woman, when you fart it maybe goes forward instead of back? And it can sneak into your vagina.”

I stared as though I were Paul Atreides having just consumed the Water of Life and my mind was expanding beyond space and time. I imagined a stealthy fart creeping forth under the cover of night, holding up at the border of the ass cheeks until the Vaginal Guards had a shift change, then sneaking like a ninja across the Taint Barrier and backflipping into the safety of the vagina.

“What does it do once it gets in there?” I asked, enraptured. Her expression changed to one I’m all too familiar with. One that says “Please stop speaking.”

“What do you think it does? It’s not a DJ, it’s not having a party. It just gets stuck. You have to kind of shift and shimmy a bit to force it back out.”

I nodded. This was reasonable. Not reasonable, but understandable. A woman, biologically, has a terrible system of fart management set up down there. As a man, when one of my farts takes a wrong turn out of the gate, it just bubbles up under my ballsack and sits there like a frightened mouse until I peel the sack away from the thigh and release it back into the wild. But a woman has an entire mouse house. I had never imagined.

Briefly, I wondered if I’d ever been visiting the enchanted grotto when there was an unwanted guest in the pantry, but then shrugged it off. Best not to know, probably.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/