#you guys still love me even as farquaad right.

[0wllight]

Hitting selfship community with the world's most serious picture of myself. I am Farquaad

(I use any pronouns!)

#I genuinely dont have any decent recent pics of me so uhh #just take farquaad ok #you guys still love me even as farquaad right. #worlds most serious sunshine meme post #ky shut up #my post #ship: light and darkness #selfship #selfship community #IM SORRY ILL MAKE THE NEXT ONE SERIOUS I SWEAR

[septembercfawkes]

Getting Passive Protagonists to Act

Many beginning writers struggle with protagonists who are too passive. The plot seems to constantly be happening to him or her, but the protagonist doesn’t take an action to make the plot happen.

Ideally, when an event happens to a protagonist, the protagonist responds by taking an action that influences the next event, which then influences the protagonist, which then influences an event—and on and on. But that can be easier said than done. Especially if you have a protagonist who prefers to live life passively.

This could all get confusing, though, because in story structure, almost all protagonists will more or less become more proactive. But for the sake of this post, I'm talking about protagonists who are characteristically passive. A protagonist who may want to kick up his feet in a hammock with a glass of lemonade and watch the world deal with its own problems. How do we write a story about that guy?

Many people will tell you that you can't--you must change the character.

But that is not wholly true.

It's true in a good story, we need the protagonist to act--especially at key moments--but that doesn't mean he innately yearns to act.

Often the best solution in dealing with a passive character is to strengthen the stakes. Let me explain.

Anyone will Act with the Right Stakes

The stakes are potential consequences; they are what are at risk in the story. We often think of them as negative things (someone's life may be at risk), but they can also be positive things (the opportunity to be taught by a professional in your ideal vocation).

Stakes are important because if there is nothing at risk, then what happens, doesn't really matter, which means what the protagonist does, doesn't really matter, because it doesn't change any outcomes. The story only matters insomuch as we understand potential outcomes. The protagonist's choices only matter if they affect the outcomes.

For example, we only care about Frodo destroying the Ring because we know doing so could rid Middle-earth of Sauron’s evil. If we didn't know that, what happened with the Ring wouldn't really matter. And what Frodo did wouldn't carry any weight. (You can learn more about stakes in my article "How to Write Stakes in Storytelling.")

When struggling with getting a passive protagonist to act, (almost) always look at the stakes.

No Stakes

Make sure that you’ve at least laid out stakes. Sometimes writers feel like the stakes are obvious, so they don't mention them. Just as bad, if not worse, the stakes may be too vague. And definitely worse: nonexistent.

If the protagonist doesn't have anything clearly to gain or lose, why would she act? If what happened to the Ring didn't change something, why would Frodo go to Mount Doom? Why would any of us do anything if it didn't make some kind of difference?

In a case like this, clear stakes need to be on the page.

Let's look at some examples of what one might consider passive people within the context of their stories.

Shrek wants nothing more than to live alone on his swamp. If there is nothing at risk, is he really going to go on an adventure to rescue a princess? Probably not.

In The Edge of Tomorrow, I think it could be argued that the protagonist, Bill Cage (played by Tom Cruise) is somewhat passive in relation to the main conflict. The story is about him fighting in a war against aliens, but he has absolutely no desire whatsoever to enter combat--in fact, he's a coward. You think he would sign up to be the first in combat out of the goodness of his heart? No way.

In Trigun by Yasuhiro Nightow, protagonist Vash would rather spend all day, every day eating donuts, playing with kids, and helping out the person down the street. He'd rather live life under an alias than face the fact he's the only one capable of standing up to the antagonist and saving the human race.

If none of these characters ever had anything at risk, then they would have never taken the actions they needed to, to move the story forward. They would have been forever passive.

In short, they only acted once there were stakes.

Wrong Stakes

If there are stakes on the page, and the character still isn't acting, then chances are they are either the wrong stakes (things she doesn’t care about) or the stakes are too small (the potential consequences don’t pose a real threat or a meaningful gain).

If they are the wrong stakes, you need to think about what the protagonist cares about and put it in jeopardy. We all care about something--whether that’s a reputation or a pet.

For a passive person, you might need to dig deeper and brainstorm longer to figure out what it is. And if you are having trouble, keep in mind that it's also possible the passive protagonist wants something for someone else or his environment. Maybe she's satisfied drinking lemonade and getting picked on, but she's not okay with her kid getting bullied--that's not something she can let happen.

Shrek mostly cares about living alone on his swamp. If his distant neighbor is at risk of dying in loneliness, Shrek's likely not going to do much about it. The best way to get him to act, is to put his home and lifestyle at risk. He will be willing to take action to save that.

Bill is afraid of dying (it's part of what makes him a coward). If he's put in a situation where he could die, he'll be forced to act.

Vash is obsessed with saving people. Children, friends, innocents, criminals. It doesn't matter who. He doesn't want anyone to die. If no one is at risk of dying, then it's unlikely he will be drawn to fight his antagonists. Almost always he is led to act because someone's life is at risk.

Small Stakes

If the stakes are too small, you need to make them bigger by making them broader or more personal.

Even the most passive person is unlikely to feel passive with a gun pointed at them. Unless they have a death wish, in which case, you could have the gun pointing at a loved one, or you could threaten torture. Even people who have a death wish don't want to be tortured. Almost all of us will act if the stakes get big enough.

Alternatively, you can promise an opportunity that is too good to pass up. If all I want is to live out my life on a hammock by the beach sipping lemonade, then maybe the best motivation is the promise of getting that. Maybe I'd be willing to act, if it ensured that.

It's bad enough for Shrek to have a few creatures come on his swamp, but the fact that countless numbers of them will be exiled to his swamp, is even worse. This is a big enough issue to get him to act--he decides he must visit Farquaad, which moves the story to the middle.

It's bad enough to die once, but it turns out for Bill, that he has to die over and over and over again. He also has to go on the battlefield over and over and over again, too. He keeps repeating the same events. This is enough to get him to try new tactics (and really, what other choice does he have?).

It's bad enough that Vash can't save everyone. But when it turns out the antagonists plan to destroy the whole human race, well, he can't live out life in donut-filled peace, playing cops and robbers with tykes. He has to act.

Inaction Stakes

If your passive character still really does not want to act, it's worth keeping in mind that inaction is an action--it just needs significant stakes. There needs to be negative ramifications for the protagonist not acting. Ideally, eventually these negative consequences get so big or so personal, that the protagonist has to do something about it.

For example, at one point, Vash decides to live under an alias and do nothing. He decides to be inactive. Unfortunately, this results in an entire town getting wiped out by the antagonist. Doing nothing has steep consequences. He needs to at least try to do something.

This can become a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation--where "damned if you do" at least carries a small chance of success over "damned if you don't."

At one point in Edge of Tomorrow, Bill decides to do nothing. He even goes to a bar to drink in the middle of the day. Guess what? He still has to repeatedly die. Whatever he does, he ends up dying, and having to repeat that time frame. He can either be endlessly in a tortuous loop where he dies, dies, and dies, or he can keep trying to fix the situation. On the surface, it seems like he has a lot of options, since he gets to make different choices each time he repeats the day, but 99% of them lead to the same outcome. So in reality, he has very few choices. Act and maybe die. Or don't act and keep dying.

Limit Options

Related to the last one, one way to push a passive character to act, is to limit her choices and the outcomes. In fact, if we want to take this to the real world, studies show that the more options people have, the less likely they are to make a choice--or even make a good choice.

Like Bill, when there aren't really any options, the protagonist will be pretty much forced to act. Either keep reliving the same torture or try to do something about it.

Add to it some kind of countdown or convergence, so that the protagonist has a very limited window to act, and she'll have to do something.

Stakes Reveal Character

How the protagonist acts when there are things at risk, will reveal what kind of person she is.

In this sense, one might argue, that by strengthening the stakes to get her to act, you are changing her character after all.

Or perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that you are now revealing who she truly is.

Whatever the case, it can become an argument of semantics.

Similar things can happen with the term "passive."

Just understand the concepts and the tools.

The Reluctant Hero

In most, if not all cases, a characteristically passive protagonist will create a reluctant hero. Shrek doesn't want to save Fiona. Bill doesn't want to win the war. Vash doesn't want to confront the antagonist. They just want something to not happen, more than they want to do The Thing™️.

In this sense, while the passive protagonist will ultimately still be acting within the plot (which is necessary to write a good story), he or she may still yearn for passivity.

Of course, the character's arc may possibly shift that yearning by the end.

And it should go without saying, that pretty much all these same tricks will work for passive side characters, as well--when you need to get them to act. For example, in The Office, Stanley is characteristically passive. He pretty much sits in silence and does crossword puzzles. But when pushed far enough, he will back talk his boss. And when he wants something bad enough (like a free pretzel on pretzel day), he'll actually act.  

#Writing tips #writing tips and tricks #writeblr #writer problems #writing reference #protagonist #fanfic

[k9effect]

Even more Cyberpunk characters as Unus Annus quotes

(a continuation to this post and this post)

V: how powerful are you?

Takemura: I'm sworn to secrecy on that one.

----

V, reading a questionnaire: how long have you been wearing the clothes you have on right now?

V: that's in unfair question. I feel like it's specifically targetting me.

----

V: Vik do you know what love is?

Viktor: sometimes.

V: explain what love is in your mind?

Viktor: love is when you look at someone and tears come to your eyes.

V, thinking about Johnny: what if... What if tears come to your eyes because you're afraid of them, or they're hideously ugly?

Viktor: then you love them in a different way.

----

Jackie, to V: you know, I don't think there is anything sadder than a frat party with only two guys.

----

V: it's because I'm not a passive warrior, right?

Takemura: no, it's because you're weak.

----

Johnny: look, man I don't always know. I don't always know the right way, man. Sometimes you're correct and me trying to correct you is wrong and I'm trying to be better about that.

V: well thank you, I appreciate that.

Johnny: also, you're a cunt.

----

V, to Johnny: you look like Farquaad.

----

Johnny: alright, how about we write a pop song about how we're all going to die and there's nothing we can do about it.

Kerry, concerned: yeah?

----

Johnny: we're not actually on a date.

V: well that's what we paid for!

----

Johnny: I still have not been convinced that I need to give a flying fuck.

----

V: you're ungrateful.

Johnny: yes.

----

Viktor: biology is just wet meat.

#sam shitposts #Cyberpunk #Cyberpunk 2020 #v (cp2077) #johnny silverhand #kerry eurodyne #viktor vector #goro takemura #jackie welles #shitpost #meme #gaming #incorrect quotes #incorrect quote #unus annus

[blazedbakugou]

movie marathons with the bakusquad

a/n: this is very self indulgent so if you read too much into it... just don’t :) still working on Sero and Mina’s characterization

genre: fluff

warnings: food, aged up characters

word count: 1k

pairings: katsuki bakugou x gn!reader, eijiro kirishima x gn!reader, denki kaminari x gn!reader, hanta sero x gn!reader, mina ashido x gn!reader

k. bakugou

This man… is down catastrophically bad.

Puts up this tough front but behind closed doors and in the comfort of his partner’s arms, he’s such a softie

Will watch Disney princess movies with you but he will also pretend to hate them

You’re currently watching The Princess and the Frog, a classic that just so happens to be one of your favorites

Bakugou rolls his eyes as you sing along to the songs, but deep down inside, his heart swells at your eyes practically sparkle with joy

He tears up at the part where Ray dies and is reunited with Evangeline, though he’ll use the excuse of his eyes burning cus you’ve kept him two hours past his bedtime

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“You know… Prince Naveen is really cute.” You grin

Bakugou grunts, “Shut up. Don’t go drooling over some stupid movie character when your man is right here.”

He pulls you closer, gently shoving your head onto his chest. Humming as he lets his eyes close, slowly drifting out of consciousness with the comfort of having you beside him quietly singing along to the songs.

His favorite song from the soundtrack: Ma Belle Evangeline yeah he’s a fucking softie so what?

e. kirishima

Similar to Bakugou, he also enjoys watching Disney movies with you except he doesn’t try to hide the fact that he enjoys them

Will plan the marathon an entire week in advance and gets pouty if you forget though a kiss is all it takes to make him feel better

Makes sure to be stocked up on all your favorite snacks and makes you use the restroom before starting because you’re not leaving his lap once the movie starts

Monsters inc. makes him cry every single time, he doesn’t mean to but he just gets so emotional when Sully and Mike say goodbye to Boo

Needs extra hugs and kisses after crying

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“Promise you won’t make me say goodbye.” He pouts, turning you to face him.

“Nope. Can’t do that.”

His eyes widen in fear, “What? Why not?”

“Gonna have to say goodbye when you go home tonight.” You shrug with a playful grin.

“Then I’m not going home. I’m gonna stay the night and hold you in my arms while we sleep.” Kirishima held you tighter.

His favorite song from the soundtrack: If I Didn’t Have You sings along with you every single time

d. kaminari

This guy is a big fan of Cars and knows the entire script by heart

Wanted a racecar bed when he was a kid but now that he’s an adult, he was finally able to live his dream

Was very disappointed when he found out they don’t make them for people that are bigger than 8-year olds

Always finishes the popcorn within the first 20 minutes of the movie and pouts when he reaches in for more only to come up empty-handed

Isn’t allowed to eat too much candy or else he starts bouncing off the walls with energy

Cracks plenty of stupid jokes during the movie, you love them though

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“Babe, babe, look.” He taps your shoulder insistently.

You look over at him, “Hm?”

“This one’s for you babe.” Denki winks at you.

He jumps up on the bed and holds the tv remote a few inches away from his face, singing along to the song as he does a little dance. Flops back down beside you dramatically as soon as his favorite verse ends.

“How'd I do?” He grins.

His favorite song from the soundtrack: Life Is a Highway will hop onto the bed and grab the tv remote and sing into it like it’s a mic

h. sero

An avid Toy Story geek even has a Woody toy of his own

Movie nights with him are always very laid back, they usually take place on the couch in the comfiest clothes you own

He always orders food beforehand so you don’t have to worry about preparing any snacks

Likes to do the classic stretch and yawn trick so he can not-so-subtly wrap his arm around your shoulders

Gets really invested in the movie and sometimes forgets you’re there but always snaps out of it before you say anything

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Hanta tips his imaginary cowboy hat at you before adjusting his imaginary belt buckle with a goofy grin. You roll your eyes at him but let him continue the act that you’ve seen too many times to count.

“Ahem,” he clears his throat dramatically, “You’ve got a friend in me, you’ve got a friend in me.”

His purposely awful singing has you bursting into a fit of laughter, which only encourages him to continue.

“Wait… did I just unintentionally put myself in the friendzone?” He stares off in thought, only now paying attention to the lyrics.

His favorite song from the soundtrack: You’ve Got a Friend In Me another guy that likes to sing with you but he’ll purposely miss the notes and make goofy faces to make you laugh

m. ashido

biggest shrek fan out there Biggest Shrek fan out there, her favorite character is Donkey

Likes to treat movie night as a spa night as well and has you try out fun skincare products with her

Constantly roasting Lord Farquaad any chance she gets, she’s absolutely ruthless

Makes the most absurd looking sundaes you’ve ever seen but they're too good to turn down, even if all the sugar makes your stomachs hurt later on

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You’re minding your business, washing the dishes that had previously been used for your ice cream sundaes when Mina comes up behind you.

“Somebody once told me, the world is gonna roll me!” She pinched your sides.

You gasp, dropping a spoon, “Are you kidding me? You do this every time.”

Mina kisses your cheek before gently pushing you away from the sink and finishing the dishes herself, “Only cus your reaction is just as funny every single time.”

Her favorite song from the soundtrack: All Star firm believer that she will come up to you at the most random of times to scream this song into your ear

masterlist // taglist open // requests open

@combat-wombatus @sunflowersuki

#hanimehub #bakugou fluff #bakugou imagine #bakugou headcannon #bakugou x reader #kirishima fluff #kirishima imagine #kirishima headcannon #kirishima x reader #denki fluff #denki imagine #denki headcannon #denki x reader #sero fluff #sero imagine #sero headcannon #sero x reader #mina fluff #mina imagine #mina x reader #mina headcannon #bakusquad #bakusquad fluff #bakusquad imagine #bakusquad headcannon #bnha fluff #bnha imagine #bnha headcannon #bnha x reader #📜 — cb writes

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Rumor Has It {17}*

Chris Evans x Famous Reader Uriah “Riah” Tyler

Warning: Plot, Heavy cursing, HEAVY, HEAVY ANGST, Mild Time Jumps, MILD NSFW, LOTS OF WORDS, Triggering Sexual Assault Content

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY STRESSED!!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY TEXTBOOK SEXUAL ASSAULT CONTENT BY DUBIOUS MEANS ON A MENTALLY INCAPACITATED INDIVIDUAL!!

Word Count: 6K

Summary: You and Chris have been married for four years after a whirlwind romance. You are both happy and trying to navigate marriage in the public eye while balancing your successful careers. In the entertainment industry, not everything is as it seems, the flash of a camera lens impairs vision. As scandal and flashing lights put a strain on your once fairytale marriage is it possible your Hollywood marriage can stand the test of the rumor mill? 

**Inspired by a video seen of Chris and his co-star Ana De Armas on their press tour for Knives Out at TIFF where she kept touching his chest and face standing about five inches apart.

NOTE: DO NOT COME FOR ME.

**Loosely Edited/Proofread**

**Interactive**

Thank you guys for reading!!!! If you enjoyed this please LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG. 😊❤️❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Chris-

In the last two weeks, he’d become a shell of himself. His life drastically changed. What was him working and traveling almost nonstop turned into him having a lot of time on his hands. Instead of traveling and having no time to be the husband he needed to be, he now had all the time in the world. He found it ironic now. Every time he stepped into your shared bedroom, he saw you everywhere. You were in the décor, the scents that still lingered around, and your items strewn around the room.

Every time he looked behind him or around a corner, he expected to see your smiling face. When he closed his eyes, he expected to feel your soft caress against his jaw or your full lips pressed onto his skin. He expected it, but the expectation was not reality. His reality was far different. His days now consisted of doing his best to keep on top of work obligations even though mostly everyone understood his need to take a step back from anything work-related. If he wasn’t distracting himself with work, he roamed around the house, being haunted by happier times. If he wasn’t glued to the bed staring out at your side of the bed, he was beating himself up over the fact that he’d caused his current reality and wishing he’d done so many things differently.

His mother stayed in town to be his moral support and moved in with Scott. They said it was just to be there for him, but he knew they didn’t think he was in any state to take care of himself. They were right. He barely ate, didn’t sleep, kept to himself, and found the sustenance he needed in beer and Whiskey. He didn’t care if they had no nutritional value; it was all he cared to ingest to his mother’s dismay. She cooked all his favorites from childhood, but none of it enticed him. What was the point, he wondered. He didn’t want lasagna or beef stew or meatballs marinara. He only wanted you.

When he pulled himself out of his internal turmoil, he was sitting outside of Christiano’s house and twisting the knife in his heart deeper. He wondered what was going on inside, wondered if you were laughing with him, or letting him hold you at nights. He couldn’t get the image of you kissing him in your hospital room or the elevator out of his head. Every time he closed his eyes, it was what he saw, and from there, his imagination went rampant until he was filled with fear that turned to rage.

He’d stay in front of Christiano’s house for hours just staring at it. He didn’t trust Christiano as far as he could spit. He knew he was up to something, and he felt that somehow if he kept an eye on things, he couldn’t pull anything. At least six times, he found himself speaking to a police officer who was given an anonymous tip that he was sitting outside the house. He knew it was Christiano who’d called them to report it, and he did it to fuck with him. The first two times, he was given leeway, but the others he was told to move or else they’d fine him. He now had more than eight violation tickets because he refused to move.

If it wasn’t the cops that told him to leave or threatened fines, it was Christiano’s security who always seemed to come out like clockwork every hour threatening him to leave or else. He wasn’t afraid, and his refusal to move showed it. He knew the asshole was somewhere inside either peeping through a window or watching on the video feed like the Lord Farquaad he really was. Every chance he got, he made sure to give the house a middle finger.

Every time he called you, the majority of the time, you didn’t answer. Instead, it was Christiano who did. He always sounded like the cocky fuck he was. Every chance he got, he goaded him into losing his temper, and when he was irate and fired up, he’d end the call. When he called, and Christiano didn’t answer, it rang endlessly. On a few occasions, you answered, but he was so surprised by it that he never found the right thing to say. What did you say to your wife that didn’t remember you in any shape or form? He could say he loved you or missed you. He couldn’t apologize. He couldn’t talk to you like you were old friends. All he could do was sit in silence with the knife twisting deeper until you hung up.

The doorbell snapped him out of another hour of aimless staring into space. He was alone tonight. Scott and his mom were at Scott’s house after he blew up at them, telling them to leave him alone. It wasn’t his finest moment. Slowly, he trudged to the door with a bottle in his hand; it was his normal accessory now. As soon as he opened the door, he saw Ana’s smiling face. He couldn’t help but sigh out. He’d hoped it was you.

“Hi, Ana.”

She gave him a once over then frowned. “You look horrible.”

“Gee, thanks,” he said before he turned to walk away. The clink of her heels on the marble was the indication she was following him. A few moments later, he dropped onto the couch and brought the bottle back to his lips.

“How many of these have you had?”

“Lost count. What’re you doing here? I’ve told you that you don’t have to keep coming here.”

“I know I don’t have to, but I thought we were friends.”

He didn’t answer; he just studied her trying to access her motives.

“Friends don’t let friends go through a tough time alone. I come bearing a home-cooked meal and company.”

He sighed again while taking another swig.

“I have plenty of food, and I don’t need the company.” It was rude, but it was honest.

Ana frowned before she sat beside him on the couch. “Look, I know you’re going through something really tough. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I don’t think you should lock away and—wallow. You have to keep going.”

“Ana, I appreciate you coming by these last two weeks with food and checking on me. You’re kind to do it, but it’s unnecessary. I wish everyone would just give me some space. Everyone hovers and tiptoes, not wanting to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing as if them avoiding the huge elephant in the room makes it so I don’t see it. I see the fucking elephant. My fucking wife is not here! My wife has no fucking memory of me. As far as she’s concerned, I’m some stranger from the street!” His frustrations were bubbling to the surface.

She didn’t speak for several moments after that. He was glad for it. Lately, he’d been looking at her with a new suspicious eye. He had all the time in the world to see things that either didn’t add up or just came off strange. He never thought Ana’s behavior was suspicious before, but now everything had a hint of awkwardness. He’d begun to wonder if you’d been right all along, and she was harboring some crush on him. Before, he saw her friendliness and willingness to help and be around him as a kindred spirit situation, but now, it was possible he might have had been wrong.

“Chris–,” Ana began before he cut her off.

“It’s not a good idea for you to here like this. The paps are camped out a block down and have constant eyes on the house. The last thing either of us needs is for you to be snapped coming in or out of here. Honestly, I think it’s best that we stay clear of each other by giving each other some space.”

Her jaw dropped for a split second, and along with it, he saw the anger flash through her eyes. As quickly as it happened, it disappeared. She took a deep breath and brushed her slick ponytail back as if there was a hair that was misplaced from the perfectly done style.

“Chris, we’ve done nothing wrong.”

“That’s not what it looks like to the public and the fans. Twitter is on fire over this. My name, your name, and Uriah’s name has been trending for two weeks. This is all anyone can talk about. They all think we’re having an affair.”

“It’s not true, though. We’re not fucking each other, so who cares!”

Her shout was loud and shrill. This was the first time he’d seen her lose her temper, the first time he’d seen a crack in the perfect demeanor she always displayed. Again, Ana brushed her hair back as she cleared her throat. In seconds that perfect façade was back.

“I’m sorry. This is stressful for all of us,” Ana offered.

“Then, space is definitely needed. I’ll walk you out.” With that, he stood and walked out of the family room toward the door. Ana didn’t immediately follow; several moments passed before she even entered the hallway. As she approached, he could see her disappointment and annoyance.

“Chris–,” she began.

“I know Ana. I just—I’m angry and frustrated and honestly at my wit’s end. I don’t want to live in this reality anymore.”

She must have sensed there was nothing else to say, so she nodded. He opened the door for her to walk through, and once she did, he promptly closed it. It hadn’t even been a month, and he was already falling apart at the seams. He had no idea how much longer he could go on in this new reality.

The alert for his phone sounded in the eerily quiet house. As he approached it, he expected it to be another update from the private investigator he was paying to look into everything or even his mother or Scott checking in for the umpteenth time today. When he saw the ID as “Jackass,” his eyes nearly got stuck in the back of his head from how hard he rolled them. As he opened the message, his heart dropped.

MSG Jackass: I thought it was a good idea to get Uriah out of town so she could properly heal.

“Son of a bitch!”

He was in his car in seconds though he knew he’d been drinking that day. As he sped to Christiano’s house, he didn’t feel impaired. That text sobered his ass up in record time. He was in such a sobering mind-frame that he obeyed every light and traffic sigh though his instincts said to run every light he came across. As he drove, he used the audio recognition in his car to call Christiano back to back. Each call he placed was ignored, and he knew it was him ignoring it rather than missing the call.

When he pulled up outside of his palatial home, he pounded on the gate.

“Christiano! Open this fucking gate!”

He didn’t feel the wrought iron underneath his hand, or much of anything besides anger and fear.

“Open the gate! Uriah!”

He saw two burly security guards approaching the gate as if they had all the time in the world.

“Where is my wife!?”

“You again? Look, man, we’ve told you that you’re not welcome here,” the one with the goatee croaked.

“I don’t give a fuck if I’m welcomed or not. My wife is in there! Do you hear me? She’s my wife. Where is Christiano? Tell him to bring his pathetic ass out here!”

“If you don’t stop banging on the gate, we’re going to have to call the police again.”

“Call the police! Where is the son of a bitch!”

“He’s not here.”

The two guards looked back, revealing a slender woman dropping in designer everything. Her strawberry blonde locks were framing her face that looked sad.

“What do you mean he’s not here? Where is my wife?!”

She approached the gate nodding to the guards silently telling them to back off.

“I’m Christina. I’m a friend to Uriah.”

“Christina—White?”

She nodded.

“Where is my wife?”

“She’s not here. Her and Christiano left an hour ago,” Christina informed.

“What! Where did they go?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Look, I told him it was a bad idea. I told him that he should keep her here because, at the end of the day, she’s your wife. He didn’t listen. He never listens. He’s always been a fool when it comes to her,” Christina divulged.

“So you’re telling me he has my wife somewhere in this world, and no one knows where she is or going?”

His panic quickly raised. He’d never felt this out of control in his life. The pounding of his heart echoed in his ears as he turned his back to the house.

“He won’t hurt her if you’re worried about that. He loves her too much for that.”

“Son of a bitch!”

~~~~~~~~

-Uriah-

 You walked through the airport toward the gate to board the waiting private jet with your hand planted in Christiano’s and your shades on. You could feel the eyes on you, and you even felt as if those who watched you were whispering about you. It shouldn’t have been anything alarming you’d been in the public eye for a few years and knew how this felt. The only thing was this felt different somehow.

“Is it me, or is it like they’re whispering more than usual?”

Christiano quickly looked around before he shrugged and squeezed your hand.

“Nah, they’re just blown away by the most beautiful woman in the world.”

You smiled widely and allowed him to press a kiss to your forehead. Once you got to the gate, Christiano greeted his flight crew and did all the talking. You liked how he always took control of a situation. It meant you didn’t have to worry about a thing when you were with him. Over the last two weeks, the two of you had been wrapped in a bubble at his house. You didn’t go out or even make an attempt to do anything but spend time with him. For some reason, you felt as if you hadn’t been together in months. Almost immediately from your release from the hospital, you began to feel sick as if something was off with you.

On a whim, you had a security guard bring you a pregnancy test which came out positive. You had no idea what to think or how to feel. You knew you’d always wanted kids, and the thought of kids with Christiano was something you’d thought about over the years you’d been together. You knew you and the baby would be well taken care of. When you told Christiano, he looked speechless, and for a few minutes, you feared he didn’t want the baby, but he assured you he did. From there, you were in this elated bubble at the thought of impending parenthood with the man you loved.

It had become apparent to you that you were missing some time in your memory. The therapy sessions that Dr. Diallo suggested was more than therapy for people involved in traumatic accidents. You’d pieced together that there were holes in your memory. When you asked Christiano about it, he filled in what he could, always stressing how much he loved you and how happy you were together. You didn’t doubt it. You knew he loved you. You remembered that there were a few times you’d suggested a break from each other because of the intensity of that love. It was always ion the back of your mind, but he was the perfect man toward you.

“Ready beautiful?” Christiano spun you to him, pressing his palms against your ass, pulling you flush against him. The touch felt familiar but also foreign as if somehow it wasn’t right.

“Of course.”

“I can’t wait to get you on that beach.” You smiled and allowed him to kiss you. This kiss wasn’t quick or timid as the once from the last two weeks. Christiano’s tongue delved into your mouth, tangling with yours unexpectedly. Though it felt strange, it also felt normal. You couldn’t wrap your head around the competing feelings and senses.

When he pulled back, he retook your hand and led you through the gate to board the jet. In a few short minutes, you were rolling down the tarmac and wheels up, gliding through the air to some surprise tropical island. You allowed yourself to mellow out drift to sleep. As you slept, your dreams were strange. You were in places you’d never been before, seeing faces you’d never seen before and having conversations you had no recollection of until you were sucked into a black hole. The darkness clung to you, but your hearing was that much more in tune. As you began to panic, the sound of a familiar but unfamiliar voice comforted you and spoke the sweetest words.

“I love you, Riah.”

 “I don’t think anything could have stopped me from marrying her. It was inevitable.”

Whose voice was it, you didn’t know. The only thing you knew was you liked it.

When the jet landed, and the chauffeured car pulled up outside a beach house, you were exhausted and in need of a bath and a nap. Your nap on the jet wasn’t enough, especially since it left you highly on edge and confused. Christiano’s beach house was gorgeous. According to him, it was a new addition to his collection of properties, one he said he didn’t visit much but knew you’d like. He gave you a quick house tour before you finally got to take your bath.

As you sat in the tub, the sound of the breeze rustling the palm trees, and the chips of the birds mixed with the soft crash of the waves onto the sand outside lulled your senses into a mellow state that had your mind completely blank. This was a first. Since you woke up from your accident, your head always felt as if it was reaching for something. You didn’t know what it was, but it never stopped, not even when you slept. When you slept, it only seemed to intensify its search. This usually meant you awoke feeling as if you’d never slept.

With your brain quiet and your muscles melting inside the water, you finally felt yourself beginning to enjoy your surroundings. Time stood still but flew at the same time. Before you knew it, Christiano was standing over you holding a towel.

“You’ve been in here for a while. Are you okay?”

“I’m great. I think I dozed off.”

“Are you ready to come out?”

You nodded and stood in the tub. Christiano’s eyes widened as they slowly roamed over your naked, dripping body. He didn’t move, and the look on his face was one you didn’t recognize. You worried you’d already gained weight from the pregnancy, and he didn’t like it.

“I know I look—different—the baby–,” you began before Christiano quickly wrapped the towel around your body, holding you against him.

“You’ve always been the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met in my life, and you will always be that woman,” he whispered while staring in your eyes before he pressed his lips to yours to scoop you into his arms.

Christiano intensified the kiss as he carried you through the house. When he placed you to sit on the bed, your heart lurched, and it felt like panic or fear. Christiano pulled back, but before he could speak again, a phone rang. He sighed out and assured you he’d be back before he walked out. Relief filled you, and that was strange to you. You didn’t understand why you felt relieved the moment had been interrupted or felt panic or fear once he put you on the bed.

Pushing it to the side, you went through your after-shower routine and dressed. When you reemerged from the bedroom, Christiano was placing plates on the table on the balcony that overlooked the beach. The two of you had a quiet dinner.

As the days ticked by, the two of you enjoyed everything the island had to offer. You went sailing, snorkeling, sunbathed on the beach, ate, and enjoyed each other’s company. There were several times you caught Christiano’s eyes on your body and even a few times where you placed his hand on your belly that was beginning to make its appearance. When he touched your belly, his eyes always looked sad, but it was a look that was quickly gone to be replaced with his smile. When you brought it up, he assured you he was just worried he wouldn’t be a good father. His admission made melt. He always came off so self-assured and confident in everything he did. It was your turn to assure him he would be an amazing dad because of how he took care of you.

Every morning he prepared your breakfast. A breakfast that always consisted of a part of the food groups from the food pyramid and four pills he identified as a prenatal vitamin, Iron, Vitamin E, and Vitamin C.  You found it sweet that he wanted to take such good care of you. It was a side you’d loved about him since meeting him. Every time you kissed, they got longer and longer and more intense than the last. No matter who initiated the kiss, you were always the one to pull away from it.

Something always felt off. Something inside of you wouldn’t let you get there with him, and you didn’t understand it. He’d been nothing but good to you. He hadn’t mistreated you or done anything hurtful that would give you right for the pause. Still, every time Christiano’s lips touched yours, your psyche fought back. Excruciating pain usually always followed with an echoing scream in your head. By the time a week had passed on the island, you could tell Christiano was beginning to get frustrated with the constant back and forth though he swore he was fine and wanted you to move at your pace.

You found your hands always on your burgeoning stomach, just tracing along it, envisioning the baby inside of you. You’d thought about kids in passing, but never as if it would actually happen. You felt as if you should have been terrified, but you didn’t feel any fear. You felt content, ready. You now loved to spend mornings just lying in bed, feeling your stomach, and envisioning life as a mom. You couldn’t believe this was life now, but you wanted it more than anything.

“Ready for bed?”

You turned around from the vanity you sat and saw Christiano toward you. He wore no shirt and sweat shorts that were low on his hips. He looked good.

“Yeah.”

Christiano took your hand, kissed it, and led you out of the vanity room to the bedroom. Once inside, the two of you slinked underneath the covers. When Christiano slid to your side and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, you hesitated but only for a few seconds. With your hesitation, Christiano brought his lips to your temple to trail kisses down the side of your face to your jaw and down to your neck. Once there, he capitalized on knowing your spot and teased it with soft kisses. As he continued, you both remained frozen, unable to move. Nothing was preventing you from moving, but you felt as if you couldn’t.

When Christiano’s lips dropped to your cleavage at the swell of your breast, you clutched the sheets in your hand for dear life.

“Are you okay?”

Nodding vigorously, you did your best to keep the panic out of your eyes. Cristiano kissed you gently, coxing your tongue to play with his. When you allowed him in, Christiano’s tongue wrapped around yours as he sucked it. In a matter of seconds, he was on top of you using his hands to caress your exposed thigh. The hand you envisioned was not his, though. In your mind’s eye, you saw a large hand gripping your thigh before it pushed along your skin up to your hip to pull down your underwear.

As quickly as you envisioned it, it disappeared, and you were underneath a hardening Christiano. That fact was what had you pulling away from him. When he looked at your face, he must have seen everything you felt. The disappointment in his eyes couldn’t be hidden. Christiano sighed, dropped his head, then nodded as he rolled off of you to lie on his back while staring at the ceiling. Neither of you spoke. You didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice was small, a whisper.

Christiano didn’t respond right away. You weren’t sure he would. A full minute ticked by before he spoke.

“It’s okay, little dove.”

You sighed, hearing his nickname for you. Relief flooded you.

“Let’s get some rest,” Christiano suggested ending any conversation.

You knew he was frustrated with you. How could he not be? Glancing over to him, you saw he still laid there on his back, staring up at the ceiling. The look on his face was unreadable. Slowly you rubbed your belly and closed your eyes. It was quickly becoming a comforting mechanism for you, one you found yourself doing more and more since your arrival on the island.

The next morning you woke up alone with Christiano nowhere to be found. You didn’t know what to think, but you didn’t feel any panic. You felt relief. It was yet another thing that you didn’t understand. Why did you feel relief knowing he wasn’t there but panic when he was close? As you ate breakfast, your thoughts drifted. You thought about life before waking up in the hospital, this new life you found yourself in, and the one that was waiting in the future. While you felt as if you were getting back to normal, you always felt like none of this was normal. You didn’t feel normal. The ringing of a phone brought you back to reality and sent you on the hunt for where it came from.

You found the phone in Christiano’s bedside table.

“Hello?

The line was silent, but you just knew someone was there. You repeated your greeting, but your voice was lower than before.

“Riah.”

You didn’t know if it was the name or the way the voice sounded, but your heart raced, and your belly fluttered. You felt something familiar but unfamiliar at the same time. Somewhere deep inside of you, you knew you’d heard it before. You knew this was not the first time you’d had this reaction.

“Who is this?” Your voice was even shakier.

“Me,” he whispered.

Everything in you was fighting, but you didn’t know what it was fighting for? Was it against something or for something? His name was at the tip of your tongue.

“Ch—Chris?”

“You know me?” He sounded as if he were on the verge of tears. For some reason, you wanted to ease his pain, but you didn’t know how.

“No.”

He sighed out and sniffled. The realization he was crying weighed heavily on you, so heavy you had to drop to the bed to sit.

“I miss you so much.”

The words meant something to you, but what? The words made you feel, but what? As you were opening your mouth to speak, you heard a door close.

“Little dove?”

Quickly you ended the car and put the phone back into the nightstand then hurried out to greet Christiano, hoping he didn’t suspect anything. You felt as if you were a cheating wife.

Christiano made all your favorites for dinner that night, and the two of you ate surrounded by a sea of candlelight and flowers. You worked hard to keep your head in the present and not on the way Chris’s voice sounded or the effect it had on you. You were curious, but you also knew that curiosity was like opening Pandora’s Box. What if you’d cheated on Christiano and he didn’t know? That was your biggest worry right now. You wanted to bring it up to him, but the ramifications were what stopped you.

After dinner, you sat on the beach watching a movie from the projector and sipping apple cider. Without warning, Christiano stood, allowing your feet that were in his lap to drop to the sand. He turned to you and held his hands out for you.

“What’re you doing?”

“Take my hand.” Slowly you slipped your hands into his. Christiano lowered his head to your hands and kissed the backs then dropped to one knee in front of you.

“Oh my god,” you began. You wanted to leap out of your skin and run down the beach. That was your true first instinct.

“I love you, little dove. I’ve loved you from the minute I laid eyes on you. We’ve been through so much together. There was a time that we didn’t know what was next, a time both of us went through a lot. I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you. You’re my everything, Uriah. I want to spend the rest of my life with you—with our—baby.”

Your tears rolled down your cheek, and you couldn’t help but slide closer to him.

“I don’t want to know what it’s like to live a day without you. I don’t want to do it. Will you marry me and spend the rest of your life with me?”

You remembered a time where you wanted him to ask you more than anything. You remembered a time where you’d even planned the kind of wedding you’d want and imagined your name with his last name. Though you knew all of that for a fact, you hesitated with your response. You also remembered another voice asking the same question. A voice you’d heard before. Both voices echoed in your head one over the other until you heard nothing but the words. It was deafening. After a minute the silence returned and you were finally able to breath. You saw Christiano’s panic, and from his panic you tried to calm your own. 

“Yes.”

It took him a few moments to move, but when he did, he threw his arms around you and hugged you so tightly. The two of you giggled together like lovestruck idiots who’d just taken the biggest leap for mankind.

“I love you so much.”

His lips were soft and tasted like the Bourbon he’d been drinking. This kiss wasn’t a timid one, it was one that spoke of his love and passion for you, but you also felt his possessiveness. It was stronger than usual. When he pulled his lips back, he sat you down and held out papers.

“What’s this?”

“Remember when we began dating, and you found out that Christina and I would have a prenup for any future spouses?”

You nodded.

“That’s where I was today. I wanted to get them taken care of. This is my love for you. I want to forgo the prenup. I want us to move forward with nothing between us. All you have to do is sign this, and what’s mine is yours.”

You studied him half in disbelief he’d do this and the other half in awe that he’d go against his family and do this. You took the papers, opened them, and began to read them. Almost instantly, Christiano dropped onto his knees again and kissed you.

“I can’t wait to make you my wife—Mrs. White.”

Hearing the name, you giggled on his lips and returned his kisses as fervently as he gave them. The two of you got lost in kisses for a few minutes.

“Hurry up and sign them so we can be the three little Whites.”

You smiled widely and took the pen he offered. Without reading the documents any further, you signed your name without even looking. Instead, you stared into his eyes. Once you’d finished, you threw your arms around his neck. Christiano lifted you and spun you around, making you giggle like a little girl. You walked along the beach hand in hand, admiring the colossal diamond ring he’d planted on you and just imagining the life you had before you.

A few hours later, once you returned to the house to shower and climb into bed with Christiano beside you with his arms wrapped around you. You don’t know why you woke, but when you did, you were alone in the bed. You looked around and found the room empty. Slowly you walked through the house looking for Christiano. You were sure he wouldn’t leave you alone this late at night, especially since he’d already taken care of the business of couriering the paperwork off the island.

When you turned the corner leading to the living room, the lights were off, but you heard whispers. Your footsteps slowed, and you pressed your back to the wall and listened.

“That wasn’t part of the plan. You’re fucking crazy. you could have—still, it was not the plan.” He sounded angry and spoke as if he wanted to yell but was keeping it down. “It’s been handled. I sent him a little surprise or a present. It is your move.”

You had no idea who he was talking to or what he was talking about. You stepped out of the shadows and into the glow of the moonlight.

“Tino?”

Christiano quickly spun around with his hands behind his back.

“What’re you doing up, little dove?

“You weren’t beside me, and I heard voices. Is everything okay?”

Christiano scoffed and smiled as he approached you.

“Yes, perfect. I was just making plans to start our beautiful life together. You and me.” He kissed the tip of your nose.

“You, me, and the baby,” you corrected. Christiano’s jaw clenched, but it was a quick movement before he smiled again.

“Of course. The three of us. Everything I’ve ever wanted in life.”

You smiled and let him lead you to the bedroom. Once inside, you slipped under the covers again and allowed him to kiss you. as he kissed you, you felt the urgency of his kisses and the need coursing through him. His moans echoed in the room as your fingers danced across his bare back. When he rolled onto you, you didn’t freeze this time, and you didn’t hesitate when you felt his need.

From there, Christiano’s movements were deliberate. He kissed where he knew you liked, but it didn’t feel quite right. As he sucked your skin and undressed you, you ignored the strange feeling you had. It was a feeling you assumed cheaters felt. You felt like you were somehow cheating. It made no sense. The man you loved was above you kissing you, licking your skin, and pleasing you the way he knew how. This was the man you were going to marry, the man you were going to make a father. Because it made no sense, you pressed forward.

After a while, both of you were naked. Christiano kissed your temple, then went to your ear.

“I love you, Uriah. I’ll love you until my last breath.”

You smiled and caressed his jaw and brought his face to yours. You wanted to stare into his eyes. They were filled with so much emotion, but there were things there that you didn’t recognize. Christiano dropped his lips to yours and kissed you passionately before he thrust his hips forward, joining your bodies.

You clung to him and shook as you heard your name panted in your ear, only it wasn’t Christiano’s voice you heard. As he moved inside of you, your moans and pants melded together, but your head was fogged with images of things that couldn’t have happened. The faster Christiano plunged in and out of your heat, the quicker the images flashed in your head. The louder his grunts got, the louder your moans became. Soon you felt as if you were close, but no matter how close you were, something was holding you back. This felt right but oh so wrong. He felt like yours, but you didn’t feel like his.

“Chris,” you panted without a thought. You said it again and again like it was the only thing you knew how to say.

Christiano’s thrusts became sloppier, and his grunts rougher.

“Yes, Uriah, you’re mine. Yes!”

“Chrissss!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lee’s Afternote: Yikes. Are you guys okay? It’s okay to be pissed at me. I understand. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***If you want to be tagged please SEND AN ASK SO IT WILL BE EASIER FOR ME TO KEEP TRACK OF. Thank you for reading!!!  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag List:

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***There are a few that are bold that I tried to tag but your @ wasn’t coming up. I’m not sure why. I’m sorry.***

#rumor has it fic #chris evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans x reader #chris evans x you #chris evans x black reader #chris evans x ofc uriah #chris evans x uriah #angst fanfic #black fanfiction #chris evans smut

[365days365movies]

January 3, 2021: Cliffhanger (1993)

Sylvester Stallone.

The Italian Stallion here is one of the most prominent action movie stars of the ‘80s and ‘90s, coming to prominence with Rocky in 1976. And before we even start this review, here’s the deal: I refuse to make fun of the man’s iconic voice. Yeah, I get it, we’ve all shouted “YOADRIAAAAAAH!” at some point, but his voice and face is due to a botched birth, which pinched a nerve and caused permanent facial paralysis. We all got something, and I’m not gonna target him for it. It’s been done enough.

I also can’t really comment on his acting ability. Why? Well...OK, some confession time. I’ve BARELY seen Stallone in a film. That’s going to be fixed this year, as I’ve added many of his films to the list for 2021. So, what have and haven’t I seen? Let’s start with haven’t, shall we?

I haven’t seen:

Rocky (1976): Sports November

Rocky II (1979): maybe Sports November

First Blood (1982): later this month

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992): Please. Please don’t make me.

Cliffhanger (1993): Give it a minute.

Demolition Man (1993): Science Fiction September

Judge Dredd (1995): maybe Science Fiction September

The Expendables (2010): later this month

I have seen:

Tango and Cash (1989): Dumbass buddy cop movie with Stallone and Russell; 2/5.

Antz (1998): Sub-par Dreamworks rip-off of an already kinda sub-par Pixar movie; 2/5

Spy Kids 3: Game Over (2003): Yeah...I saw this in theaters, on my birthday. I saw everything in red and green for, like, an hour afterwards. Worth it. 2/5.

Rocky Balboa (2006): Somehow, this is the only Rocky movie I’ve seen, Creed included. And from what I remember, it was fine. 3/5.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017): The ONE good Stallone movie I’ve seen, and it isn’t even a Stallone movie. 5/5.

So, yeah, I haven’t seen any good Stallone movies, sans the one. But now, some of you are probably asking another question: “Why Cliffhanger? You literally haven’t seen any major Stallone movie, so WHY CLIFFHANGER?”

First of all, I think everybody’s kinda slept on this movie. It was a big success back in the day, but people have basically forgotten it at this point. You’ll see in this review that there aren’t even many GIFs from the movie made, and it wasn’t easy to find enough clips to make my own, honestly. Does it deserve to get slept on? I mean, we’ll see, right? 

Secondly, I just watched a Tom Cruise movie where he dangles off of a rope, and I liked that, so why not do that for the next one, I guess! And third...honestly, I saw this on the list, and it kinda just spoke to me. It called to me, like a boxer calling to his love. Hey, look, a reference to a movie I’ve never seen. We’ll get there. We’ll get there. Oh, and SPOILERS from here on out, by the way.

Recap

We start on a cliff. Surprise.

Michael Rooker (y’know, Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy) is hanging out (HA!) with his girlfriend Sarah on a cliff called the Tower. Y’know, third date kinda stuff. First date is dinner, second date is dinner and a movie, and third date is free-climbing up a cliff to your near death. Well...near is a strong word…

ANYHOOOO, We meet Gabe, played by the big man himself, Sly Stallion, who’s a rescue ranger in the Rocky Mountains. So, Rocky, the Rockies Rescue Ranger is sent to save Yondu and Sarah. Unfortunately...someone forgot to check the equipment before the rescue mission…

Not gonna lie, this scene is actually heart-wrenchingly tense. And the ending...well, if you’ve seen Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls...you know what happens here. And it’s actually somewhat traumatic, for Gabe and for me. Seriously. It’s a roughie.

Cut to almost a year later, and Gabe is...NOT OK. He and his wife, Jessie (who is a pilot for the Rescue Rangers, and was there when Sarah fell), have been separate, and Gabe just can’t do it anymore. And I get it, honestly. That was a hard experience, losing someone and blaming yourself. And no, it wasn’t Gabe’s fault. But to add insult to injury, he has NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. His wife doesn’t seem to understand, his former best friend Yondu hates him (getting GotG Vol. 2 flashbacks), and he’s basically all alone. Geez. You guys are jerks.

Meanwhile, a plot is afoot! And hey, it’s Tripp from CSI: Miami, AKA Rex Linn! I always liked him, so it’s cool to see him in other roles. Turns out, though, that Tripp is working with a group of thugs to steal from the US Treasury. This villainous group of 8 thugs is led by John Lithgow, AKA Lord Farquaad from Shrek, who is channeling Hans Gruber from Die Hard, and trying super-hard on that British accent. Anyway, after a pretty great mid-flight action sequence, the group of thugs loses 3 suitcases of money, amounting to millions. In the process, they also lose Expendable Thugs #1 and #2. This will be a trend. 

The thugs crash their plane into the mountain, killing Expendable Thug #3 in the process. They stage a rescue situation to get some expert mountain climbers to help them find the money. Jessie, after having just told her hubby to suck it up like a big boy (I don’t really like Jessie, by the way), begs him to help find these people. Reluctantly, he agrees, and has a tension filled reunion with his former best friend, who blames him (unfairly, in my opinion). That animosity disappears as soon as they find themselves held hostage by the thugs. And so, the money hunt begins!

First suitcase is on a cliffside, and Stallone goes to get it. Some shenanigans quickly ensure, and the thugs shoot at him. An avalanche occurs because these dumbasses have never seen a movie, and in the process, we lose a suitcase of money, Expendable Thug #4 goes the way of Sarah, and Gabe is presumed dead. Farquaad tells Yondu to tell his coworkers that everything is fine, and he’s gonna stay on the mountain to ride out the storm. Which is #5 in the list of “moments in this movie where I would 100% die” I grew up in a warm climate, this is not a comfortable hypothetical situation for me.

Anyway, our intrepid team of criminals takes Yondu to find the next suitcase, while Jessie and Gabe separately make their way to the cabin that Yondu was talking about. They catch each other up, and they can’t contact the main office because...Jessie’s radio died in the cold? You...you work amongst mountains as a rescue officer for stranded hikers. That’s the best excuse the writers came up with? Why the hell didn’t she bring a better radio? They HAD to have spares, right? RIGHT? Geez, no wonder you needed Gabe’s help.

The tracker, with its marvelously outdated computer graphics technology (IT’S A UNIX SYSTEM IKNOWTHIS), leads the thugs to the next package, but not before Gabe and Jesse get there! Gabe leaves a ransom note for the money, holding it hostage. This eventually leads to a nighttime chase in the snow, leading to Expendable Thug #5 going The Way of Sarah.

By the way, it’s also at this point that I notice that it is VERY bright...for being in the middle of the mountains at night. And I get it, you can’t exactly have your movie be shot in darkness, but...look at this.

Like...wow. That’s the fakest outdoor shot I’ve ever seen. I guess I’m glad it isn’t a day-for-night shot, but...yeah. Wow.

Jesse and Gabe find themselves in a cave full of the cutest goddamn bats I’ve ever seen. This is supposed to be a harrowing experience, but simply makes me jealous. They’re fruit bats, by the way, and they’re also WAY too high up, altitude-wise. At least, that’s what I assume. I’m a bird-guy, not a bat-guy. Eventually, they make it out of the cave after Stallone does some free-climbing...loudly. Loud enough for the super-violent, sociopathic, knife-and-gun-loving Expendable Thug #6 to hear them. And that’s when Gabe ICE-PICKS HIM IN THE LEG DAMN

Understandably pissed, and not as understandably still walking around without crying (#6 in that list of me-dying moments), the thug finds and beats the SHIT out of Gabe, handily.  But then, he calls Jessie a bitch, and Gabe is, above all things a feminist. Which leads to him, and read this CLOSELY:

This leads to Stallone, bloodied and beaten, PICKING THE THUG UP OVER HIS HEAD, AND IMPALING HIM ONTO A STALACTITE. Not a stalagmite, a STALACTITE. HOLY SHIT!.

Well, Expendable Thug #6 is dead, there’s a bomb on the mountaintop, Jesse almost goes The Way of Sarah, and Frank (another guy who works with them, don’t know if I mentioned him) gets lured into a trap where he gets killed. An “Aww” moment from me; I liked Frank, he seemed like a really nice guy. This eventually leads to Farquaad and Tripp out-crazy-ing each other, and Farquaad winning by killing Expendable Thug #7, who does not go The Way of Sarah (blessed be her fall).

Gabe finds the remaining money, while Tripp, Yondu, and Expendable Thug #7 get there just after. Tripp leaves, and Yondu then delivers my favorite line of the movie:

Oh, sorry, no, it’s, “In a minute, I’ll be dead. You will always be an asshole.” Thug #7 beats the shit out of Yondu, I get flashbacks to GotG 2, and Thug #8 goes THE WAY OF SARAH, BLESSED BE HER FALL. Tripp finds the tracker without the money, and officially loses it, outing himself and Farquaad to the government officials who FINALLY get here.

Tripp finds Gabe, they make their way to a frozen mountain lake, and Gabe SHOOTS TRIPP FROM UNDERNEATH THE ICE. That shouldn’t have worked for many reasons, but that was cool, so fuck it. Now, it’s just Farquaad, BUT HE HAS JESSIE! OH NOOOOOOOooooooo.

This whole thing culminates in a tense, cool chase sequence between Gabe and Farquad in the helicopter. The helicopter crashes into the mountainside, and the two fight while on the helicopter, which is now hanging from the cliff.

Oh. Oh, I get it.

This inevitably leads to Farquaad and the helicopter going, of course, The Way of Sarah. Blessed Be Her Fall. #BBHF. 

And that’s it. Our three heroes are, themselves, rescued by the government agents, and we pan away from the cliffside, as the credits roll. Boom. Cliffhanger.

Stay tuned for the epilogue, which contains the review!

#cliffhanger #sylvester stallone #gabe walker #michael rooker #hal tucker #janine turner #jessie deighan #rex linn #richard travers #caroline goodall #leon #leon robinson #kynette #craig fairbass #john lithgow #eric qualen #paul winfeld #ralph waite #bruce mcgill #renny harlin #1993 in film #1993 films #365 movie challenge #365 movies 365 days #365 Days 365 Movies #a movie a day #a year at the movies #a year at the cinema #movie challenge #action january

[black-out-wonder]

Never Judge A Book: A Sanders Sides High School AU // Chapter 1

So yeah, I did it. I have so many ideas for this, and if anyone has any suggestions, I am more than happy to hear them! I like hearing opinions and ideas tbh. I kinda want this to be different from other stuff I’ve done, so I’d be ecstatic if anyone wants to shoot some ideas my way. If anyone wants to be tagged, just let me know!

Pairings: Eventual Prinxiety, Intrulogical

Warnings: Cussing, bullying, punching

You are here // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5

                                -------------------------------------------------

Roman thought he knew what to expect when he walked into the theatre for class. He was a junior in the theatre program and he thought he had seen it all. Once when they were doing Shrek the Musical, he had walked into the theatre to be greeted with the kid playing Donkey chasing the guy playing Lord Farquaad. Both of them in costume, and in character. Another time, when they were doing A Midsummer Night’s Dream, he walked in to find one student on the balcony with the donkey head on and the other on the stage, reciting the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet in internet terminology. Today was a different kind of chaos. True chaos.

There were papers all over the place, all of the students on their phones, each one looking like they regretted every decision up until that point. He grew confused. He knew he was a few minutes late, but he didn’t think he would miss that much. “Roman!” the teacher, he insisted that they call him Terrence, called out to him.

“Hey Teach, what’s going on?” Roman questioned.

Terrence sighed, “At the meeting yesterday, I was informed that the school was cutting funding for the theatre program.”

“What the heck?!” He exclaimed, not understanding why.

The program wasn’t the most popular amongst the students in terms of joining, but people in town loved to watch the performances. “They said that there wasn’t enough student interest and that the money needed to go towards programs that students are interested in. So we’re doing a phone-a-thon.”

“What can I do to help?” Was the first thing that left his mouth.

Roman wasn’t the most popular guy around and this program was the only place he felt like he belonged. He couldn’t let this go. It was his passion. Terrence grinned, “I knew you would ask that.” He grabbed a stack of papers, holding it out for him to grab. “We need student interest. I want you to hang up these flyers all over the school.” 

Okay, he could do that. He took the stack, saluting as he grabbed a roll of tape and exited the theatre. He quickly glanced down at the flyers, seeing that they were an announcement for The Little Mermaid auditions. He nearly squealed at it, excited that they were finally doing a Disney show! Terrence must be desperate, he thought to himself, knowing that despite enjoying Disney himself, his theatre teacher liked to stay away from their stage shows, trying out other productions. 

He began hanging up the flyers, placing them anywhere they would be seen. They were colorful and flashy, so they should gain some attention that way. He was putting one up just outside of the cafeteria when he felt sharp jabs to his sides, causing him to drop the flyers in shock. He scrambled, trying to catch them before they went everywhere, but failed miserably. “What do you think you’re doing peasant?” A familiar voice mocked.

Roman let out a sigh as he realized who it was. When he went to turn around, he was grabbed and shoved against the wall. He came face to face with Justin Herald with Nathan Lott grinning maliciously behind him. “When I talk to you, you reply, remember?” Justin snapped. 

“What on Earth do you want, Justin?” Roman rolled his eyes.

Despite the other boy being shorter than him, he was very intimidating. He couldn’t afford to show that he thought so, though he was pretty jittery around these guys. Suddenly, though he was expecting it, the wind was knocked out of him as Justin punched him in the stomach. It made him slightly angry. Why did he take this? But then he remembered that he was a theatre student, not an athlete. These guys were athletes and there was no way he would be able to overpower them. “Next time you want to give me attitude,” Justin growled. “It’ll be your face that I hit, got it?”

Roman nodded quickly, causing Justin to release him. He and Nathan kicked the papers that had sprawled across the floor, making an even bigger mess. He didn’t move until the pair were out of sight. Once they were gone, he got to work, trying to pick up the papers as quickly as possible. He held back tears as he did so, refusing to cry over a could of mindless bullies. He hated that he couldn’t defend himself. Maybe that’s why he became a target. He was so weak.

He was brought out of his thoughts when he saw someone lean down and pick up one of the flyers, “Theatre, huh?”

He glanced up and nearly gaped at who he saw. Why was Virgil Clark standing here, wasting his time with something clearly below him? “I was in a couple plays in elementary school,” Virgil mused as he eyed the paper. “I mean, I was just ensemble, but it was pretty fun.”

Roman could completely understand why Virgil was popular. He was athletic, but he wasn’t an asshole. He was a cross country and track and field star, the first sophomore at their school to get in the top three at the state competition in both sports. And besides that, he was very attractive. His freshly dyed violet hair hung over his forehead, almost completely covering his upturned olive-colored eyes. He had a slight tan from being out in the sun with a few freckles scattered across his face. He stood tall, yet relaxed, his long limbs covered with black, ripped skinny jeans, a violet tee shirt with the school’s sports jersey over it and headphones hung around his neck. Virgil’s eyes flickered from the paper to meet his clear blue irises. Roman held in the urge to blush. He couldn’t let the athletic boy know he found him attractive. Virgil was known to flirt with anyone and play with people’s feelings. “You alright?” Virgil questioned, tilting his head to the side. “You look a bit pale.”

Snapping out of it, he nodded, “Why yes, I am perfectly fine.”

He went back to pick up the papers, refusing to acknowledge the fact that Virgil was still staring at him. “You’re Roman, right? Roman Prince?” 

He knew who he was? How the hell did he know his name? He looked back up to see that he was still staring intensely, but he now kneeled in front of him. No matter how creepy it sounded, Virgil was so close that he could see the brown rings around his pupils. It took every ounce of self-control to not seem affected.  “Yes, why do you ask?”

A smirk appeared on his face as he folded up the flyer, sticking it in his pocket, “Well Princey, I’ll see you around.”

Roman looked back down as Virgil rose up, only watching his Converse as he walked away. As soon as he couldn’t hear footsteps, he allowed himself to blush. He covered his face with his hands. Oh god, he was such a disaster. It was those eyes that nearly did him in. Finally, he shook his head, grabbing the remaining flyers before running off to hang the rest of them up.

Remus was going to have a field day once he told him what had happened.

                               -------------------------------------------------

Taglist:

@bookwyrminspiration @fandoms-winkitywonk

(Thought y’all would want to be tagged <3)

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #virgil #roman #logan #patton #deceit #tw deceit #remus #prinxiety #intrulogical #sanders sides high school au #high school au #tw cussing #tw bullying #tw punching #shay writes

[hardeepcox]

My First Job in Vietnam

               The first job that I acquired in Vietnam was at an English center whose name I won’t say… but it rhymes with Ah Paw Low. We had to work early on weekends, so that instantly bummed me out. I actually almost quit after the second week, I thought dude this is bullshit I’m not working at 7:45 on weekends! But after a while I got used to the schedule and before I knew it I had been working there for 6 months. I met some awesome people there and I really enjoyed watching the interactions between the foreigners and the locals. It reminded me of when I used to work in restaurants back in the states and the workplace was divided between servers and kitchen employees. In restaurants, I had worked in both the front and the back of the house, and at this English center it felt like foreigners were the front-of-the-house and the locals were the back-of-the-house. I know how it feels like to be the back-of-the-house, so I found it really easy to connect with our Vietnamese assistants. Something really interesting that happened at this job was that it began to make my distrust for white people to fade away. Yup, that was actually a thing.

I think this mistrust had started when I was 18 and I worked at a restaurant called Sweetwater in Virginia. My manager had pretended to be super nice to me during the hiring process but after I was hired his attitude changed completely and I was always confused by that. I felt a similar attitude change from my other managers at this restaurant and eventually they fired me because I had come to work late twice (of course this was after letting me work through their busy months leading up to New Year’s Eve). This led me to believe that wow maybe those things about white people being untrustworthy is true, and I bought into it for a LONG TIME. Well, thanks Vietnam for changing this thought in my mind because it was never going to bring about anything positive. I’ve tried to figure this out in my mind, okay so not all white people are bad maybe it’s only American whites? Nope, that was wrong too. Maybe it’s only whites in Northern Virginia? Nope, because I have white friends in Northern Virginia including my bros Ryan, Max, and Jake. Maybe I should just stop judging people? Yeah that’s probably it.

 Anyways, back to Ah Paw Low.

 The first person to invite me to chill with the Ah Paw Low crew was Niall, a really chill dude from the UK. My stupid ass kindly refused the first few invites, but eventually I did meet up with the Ah Paw Low crew at the famous banh mi lady’s restaurant. I also met Eva, a chill American/Costa Rican chick with resting bitch face. Honestly for the first few months that I worked there, I thought she was angry, but nope that was just the way her face looked. I met my bro P from South Africa, we played a few matches of football (soccer, yeah I prefer saying football because your fucking foot touches the ball) and we actually still work together now at another company. He’s basically like my older brother from South Africa who introduces me to delicious Indian food every now and then. I met Andrew from the UK, fun fact about him is that he’s been in movies. He’s a handsome bastard.  Myra from Brunei, fucking party legend. At the party Olympics she brings home the gold medal. I hope we can party soon, even though I’ll never reach your level of godliness because I’m not worthy. Then there’s JR and Sabrina, both from the Philippines. JR is basically an R&B legend AND this dude can dance. I seen’t it! Sabrina is basically a model and her wardrobe must be like the one in the Chronicles of Narnia because I swear I’ve never seen her wear the same outfit twice. There was Parvinder from India, he would protect Sabrina like Kimari protected Yuna in Final Fantasy 10. Also, he loves the song Broken by Seether and Amy Lee, I thought I was the only one! Dude if you are reading this... I still owe you 100,000 dong. There’s also Justin, a quiet dude from Montana who used to be in the Marine Corps. He’s a really serious short guy, kind of looks like a mix between Danny DeVito and Lord Farquaad from Shrek. There’s also Nyomi from Canada, we started working at the company at about the same time and we also left the company at about the same time. We used to crack up when we said that our co-worker Paul from the UK looked liked Jafar from when he was undercover in the cave of wonders. You’ve seen Aladdin right..?? Paul could always talk about any topic at any time, and that was always fun. There’s my bro Grant from the UK. We chilled a lot outside of work and we had the most amount of immature inside jokes. Damn man… good times. There’s that one dude that I kept thinking was a gay Canadian, but he’s actually Ryan from Pennsylvania. I thought he was gay because of his reaction to Andrew’s story about being shirtless and I still laugh hysterically about this memory. There was Nhu from Vietnam, she is like one of my Vietnamese sisters and the office gossip. Dude I owe you 1 million dong omg! There was also an American dude whose name I can’t remember but basically he was like the green character in Happy Tree Friends. What I’m trying to say is that he probably had PTSD from previous military experience. Vi and Vy from Vietnam, they were two of my teacher assistants and we worked really well together with the kids. There’s another teacher assistant, she was really small like a hobbit omg what was her name… Rosie! Yeah she was super chill too. More assistants, Tony and Tan were cool dudes too. Guys sorry if I’m forgetting anyone! I’m sure there was a dude named Nguyen too. Khanh from marketing was so cool too and she has really good taste in music. Even our boss was really chill, not really any complaints on my end.

 This job was really challenging but so rewarding. I’m sure that it made me into a more disciplined individual. And the most interesting thing that happened in the workplace was probably when one of my students hated k-pop so much that he started screaming at the top of his lungs during break time. When I saw the vein in his head popping out I thought he was about to turn Super Saiyan. We had to escort him to the bathroom to chill out, Damn I thought I disliked k-pop but this kid was next level.

I’m glad that I still stay in touch with most of my Ah Paw Low co-workers. I know our schedules now are kinda mismatched, but I hope we can all chill again soon! Oh yeah and fuck corona.

*I seen’t it = I saw it

It’s an expression that might be said by a Native English speaker even though it’s grammatically  incorrect. Hey it sounds cool though haha. Check out the link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H0W1pRVRBE

#english #vietnam #saigon #crew #co-workers #friends #judgemental

[orpheus-type-beat]

shrek

1. Before I came to college I had never moved before. When I woke up on my last day at home, I remember thinking that what was so uncanny was how normal of a day it was. I woke up in the same bed and got ready in the same way I always did. It was a completely normal day except that it was also the last day where this routine would be what I considered normal. Even when I went back home, I knew there would be a different idea of “normal.” It was a very uncanny feeling, knowing that what normal meant to me was about to completely change. 

This is also how I feel about watching Shrek.

2. Ew

3. Also what a cast tho

4. We’re starting in the 3rd act of beauty and the beast. 

5. This is maybe a commentary on late stage capitalism and maybe like weirdly the scalping of Native Americans? And like systemic genocide/internment camps? This is a high concept movie.

6. I get it, donkey’s singing is like a parody of Disney musicals and the unreality of breaking into song.

7. “Doesn’t that bother you?” “Nope”. Wow, true friendship

8. Where did the name Shrek come from? No one knows. They walked into work one day, and every whiteboard was erased except for one, with the name “SHREK” written on it in huge block letters. The security footage from that night was mysteriously corrupted. All attempts to erase that whiteboard since have failed.

9. Farquaad = Fuckwad in a Mike Myers accent. Cool

10. Also, Google Chrome autocorrected Farquaad for me, because that name is just part of the English language now.

11. Farquaad’s got an impressive chin. 

12. And commentary on waterboarding? George Bush doesn’t care about gingerbread people?

13. The Muffin Man thing was a good joke.

14. The Bachelorette thing is pretty funny too. 

15. She’s a female werewolf basically.

16. The compensating joke is also pretty good.

17. His castle is like the magic kingdom? I never knew that this is an interesting development. 

18. “Where is everybody?” Everybody’s at Universal because of Harry Potter land.

19. The thing about perfection is interesting. It’s like celebration / disney land all at once which is interesting. This is not the angle I was expecting. I was expecting a parody of Disney movies, not the theme parks.

20. The champion will have the “opportunity” to rescue the princess. We love corporate speak.

21. This soundtrack is pretty fire too. My favorite part so far.

22. This is also maybe about indigenous peoples land rights? (Editor's Note: not really)

23. “Ogre’s are like onions. They have layers.” It is so surreal to see the origin of this meme.

24. Haha the location. Property values. Curb appeal. I have watched too much HGTV. 

25. As someone with a fear of heights, that was rough. 

26. I know so many lines from this movie out of context wow.

27. “She’s inside, waiting for us to rescue her” “I was talking about the dragon, Shrek” We see you Donkey, ok. I know you and the dragon have kids I’ve seen the merchandising. 

28. Guys gender and femininity are a performance, as evidenced by the princess performing the damsel in distress role.

29. “You’ve had a lot of time to think about this haven’t you” 

30. Donkey, with Dragon, is a bottom, which is funny because he’s also an ass (see I can make edgy puns too Dreamworks)

31. Poor dragon just wants some love.

32. It’s super obvious that Shrek’s an ogre. How can she not know that. He has green skin. And looks like an ogre. It’s obvious.

33. “Take it off” 

34. “Measuring” == Farquaad’s short and has a small penis.

35. Fiona should lean into the assertive thing.

36. This takes place in the Minecraft universe, which is why Fiona puts a door on a cave to spend the night. 

37. Why Do We Build the Wall? To keep the fairy tale creatures out. The enemy is poverty.

38. Shrek has attachment issues (feel u bud).

39. Aww poor Shrek. There’s real pathos in this movie! 

40. Farquaad drinks martinis in bed. Just an observation

41. Donkey remains a bottom, and an ass. I’m just saying I called it.

42.  I prefer the fox Robin Hood.

43. Badass Fiona is way cooler than boring princess Fiona.

44. “Hold the phone” == PG “What the fuck”

45. Now Fiona is going to build a crafting table to make a healing potion.

46. Fiona and Shrek’s first alone moment occurs over an object that is inserted in Shrek’s butt. No other comment.

47.  Soundtrack remains fire af.

48. Donkey is third wheeling hard rn. He’s finna drunk text Dragon 

49. Aww she’s gonna visit him. Adorable. Farquaad is a side piece at best.

50. Shrek lost the courage because of a history of abuse. There is real pathos in this movie!!! 

51. Wake up and smell the pheromones haha

52. There is a lot you could do with a queer studies reading here, with both Shrek and Fiona. 

53. “This is not how a princess is meant to look” see (52)

54. Noo!! An overhearing misunderstanding plot that actually makes sense and isn’t totally stupid (still kinda stupid but).

55. The misunderstanding plot still actually works ok... wtf

56. It’s not like it has feelings ouch oof ouchie

57. He’s so short

58. Damn Hallelujah is used pretty perfectly.

59. “I used to live alone before I knew you” Did they write this movie around that line lol

60. Ooh that table fade transition between Shrek eating alone and Fiona eating alone is fantastic.

61. This last scene is basically the ending to the Princess Bride

62. The crowd laughing at him HURTS ouch

63. Wait Farquaad dies?? The dragon just eats him?? Wtf that’s pretty intense

64. Awwwww

65. The Monkees???? Great choice. Though why the cover lol. Is Eddie Murphy singing? That would make sense since Donkey’s been trying to have a musical number the whole movie and now finally does, confirming that this is a happy fairy tale despite the subversions.

67. This movie is about the way that monomythic fiction affects the way that we relate to other people, and ultimately hurts real connection. Huh. Not the theme I was expecting. 

68. I liked it.

[a34trgv2]

Why it Worked: Shrek

Intro: Shrek is a 3D animated film directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson, produced by Jeffery Katzenberg, Aron Warner and John H. Williams and written by Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio, Joe Stillman, and Roger S. H. Schulman. Based on the 1990 children’s book of the same name by William Steig, the film is about a green ogre tasked to rescue a princess with his donkey companion. The film stars Mike Myers as the title character, Eddie Murphy as Donkey (yes, that’s his name), Cameron Diaz as Princess Fiona and John Lithgow as Lord Farquaad. First screened at the Mann Village Theatre on April 22, 2001 before official being released on May 18 of that year, the film was a financial success earning a worldwide total of $484 million dollars on a budget of just $60 million. The film was met with critical acclaim with an 88% on Rotten Tomatoes (177 out of 201 critics giving an average score of 7.8/10) a 7.9/10 on IMDb and an 84% on Metacritic (based on 34 critics). The film won the first ever Academy Award for Best Animated Feature, beating Disney/Pixar’s Monster’s Inc. and Nickelodeon Movie’s Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius respectively. It went on to spawn 3 sequels (with a fourth in development as of this post), a spin-off and tv show centered on it’s direct sequel’s standout character, Puss in Boots, a musical on Broadway (yes, really), a 3 issue mini-series written by Mark Evanier for Dark Horse Comics, and a slew of video games. Oh and also memes...lots and lots of memes. 18 years after becoming a juggernaut of a franchise, it makes one wonder how the film holds up today. Was this film truly lightning in a bottle? Well let’s look into that in detail, shall we?

The Plot: Shrek begins with the reading of a fairy tale in a storybook, in the same vain some of the early Disney movies (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, etc.). On the second to last page, our title character then rips the page out, laughs at the idea of a happy ending and proceeds to wipe his backside with it. This is immediately followed with the iconic pop tune, All Star by Smash Mouth, and the film just kicks off from there. The way the film is presented is in the style of a parody, specifically on Disney’s classic adaptations of fairy tales. It tells the age old “rescue the damsel in distress” plot and flip it on it’s head and it just keeps going. It wastes no time to subvert the most obvious cliches as well as taking notable pot shots at the Mouse House. In one of the film’s most memorable scenes, Robin Hood and his Merry Men snag Fiona from Shrek and Donkey thinking she was captured by the accused “beast.” Whilst in song, Robin Hood is about to stab Shrek when Fiona kicks him in the face, knocking him out like a light. She then proceeds to beat the living tar out of the Merry Men before our heroes can continue on their way.  The scene goes against the stereotype that the “damsel in distress” has to watch idly by as our hero saves her and that’s all for the better. You see, here’s the thing about damsels in distress: while it’s nice that the hero saves them, it becomes frustrating when it’s always the hero that has to save them. This is all the more refreshing when we see Fiona save Shrek instead of the other way around.

The Characters: The characters in this film are not just funny in their own right, but they’re actually well developed throughout the film. Starting with the big green guy himself, at the start of the movie he’s very territorial and protective of his privacy. As we learn later in the film, the reason why he’s like that is because people didn’t give him a chance to show he’s really a nice guy deep down. This makes Shrek relatable and helps the audience understand where he’s coming from. Donkey, meanwhile plays the role of the comical sidekick (much to Shrek’s annoyance) and while he’s a funny character, it’s ultimately him that brings the film together (Robobuddies does an excellent analysis here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_VIK6qeFcg). Fiona has starts out as a princess waiting for her true love, playing the role of the optimistic damsel in distress to a tea. Once she realizes that this isn’t the fairy tale she had in mind, she starts showing her true self: a spunky, funny and fierce woman who shares alot in common with Shrek. Especially the fact that she’s an ogre, as revealed later in the film. Then we have Lord Farquaad, the malicious dictator who puts all the fairy tale creatures in their place and mounts himself as the big boss (despite being 4 feet tall). Farquaad only wants perfection in his kingdom, where only humans live evidently. By the end of the movie, due to his massive ego and lust for power, he ends up being eaten alive at his wedding to Fiona. Lastly, the supporting characters all leave a lasting impression with their well timed jokes and memorable interactions with our heroes. You got the Gingerbread Man, the Dragon, the 3 Blind Mice, and of course Robin Hood and his Merry Men. The film makes elegant use if these characters as brief as their appearances may be.

Let’s Talk Animation: It’s hard to believe this was made in 2001. Let me provide you with some context. At the time of the film’s release, only 4 other animated films were computer animated (Toy Story, Antz, A Bug’s Life, and Toy Story 2 in that order), so it was still a relatively new medium. And yet, DreamWorks Animation utilized the medium to it’s full advantage at the time and the result still holds up to this day. The design of the characters have this distinct look that make them appear quesdo-realistic. They still maintain their animated appearance, yet the smoothness of the textures make them stand out from its competition. Shrek, for example, feels like a real character with his skin having a smooth and soft appearance. His clothes also feel like they’re made of real fabric and when he moves it feels natural, like how a character like him would and should move. The hair physics should also be commended as each strand of hair on Fiona and Farquaad’s heads move in rhythm as real hair does. There’s also the accomplishment in making all the environmental elements realistic and lifelike: dust, water, grass, wood, stone, metal, fabric and so much more. The animation of this film is unlike anything that was made in the past and animation studios took note on how to improve their craft from this film (and yes, even Disney).

Music: This film incorporates pop songs into its soundtrack, particularly from Smash Mouth. The opening, All Star, kicks the film off with a catchy tune as Shrek goes about his daily routine. The song itself is a such a jam to listen to with the lyrics and melody sticking with you long after you’ve heard it once. John Cale’s rendition of Hallelujah is used to great affect during the down time of the film, bring out the sadness our characters feel with it’s simple yet powerful piano play and the dowerness in the tone of Cale’s singing. Then there’s the closing number, I’m a Believer (Smash Mouth’s pop cover of the 1966 song by The Monkees). This song caps of the film with a big dance party at Shrek and Fiona’s wedding, the characters rightfully celebrating the happy ending our two leads earned and the downfall of Farquaad. Lyrically the song fits with Shrek’s character as it shows he’s changed ever he met Fiona and now he believes in happy ever after. Joan Jett’s Bad Reputaion was expertly used in Shrek’s brawl at Duloc, with the hard rock brilliantly adding to the comedy of the scene. Lastly there’s the True Love’s First Kiss score by the film’s composer, Harry Gregson-Williams. This song is beautifully crafted with a choir just making it sound majestic and awe inspiring. It’s so good in fact it became the official theme for DreamWorks Animation from then on.

Where it Falters: The misunderstanding the characters have to go through, while narrativly is necessary, still could have been resolved if the characters were to just talk it out. The song, I’m On My Way by The Proclaimers, is by no means a bad song, it’s just not utilized as well as all the others. Lastly, this has been bugging me for 18 years: who’s in charge of Duloc now? After Farquaad got gobbled up, the kingdom was without a ruler. Did someone else take over? Did the kingdom fall apart? The films never addressed this question and it wouldn’t be so nagging if the fairy tale creatures didn’t come return to the subsequent sequels. Don’t they have their own homes to go back to?

Conclusion: It’s no secret that Shrek is a great film and it’s easy to see why. The story was well executed with clever and well thought out jokes, funny and well defined characters, realistic and expressive animation that still holds up today and brilliant uses of hit songs that add to the comedy and story. This film made set a new standard for animated films in the 2000s and to this day. While the Internet can have it’s fun making memes out of the big green guy, there’s no denying that life would be much different without Shrek. Thanks for reading, be sure to like, share and follow me and I’ll see you soon ;)

#shrek #dreamworks #animation #films #why it worked #like #share #reblog #follow #humor #pop songs #all star #smash mouth #gif #disney #pixar

[reptilesweaters]

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I’ll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won’t hurt my feelings. Honest. Swing on back to Drew’s Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts! Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love’s first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon’s keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love’s first kiss. {Laughing} Like that’s ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin’ kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an “L” on her forehead The years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’ Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin’ Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what’s wrong with takin’ the backstreets You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow Hey, now You’re an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You’re a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin’ stars break the mold It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder You’re bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin’ pretty thin The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim My world’s on fire How ‘bout yours That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored Hey, now, you’re an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You’re a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin’ stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you’re an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You’re a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin’ stars break the mold -Think it’s in there? -All right. Let’s get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for it’s bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They’re much worse. They’ll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it’s quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! “Wanted. Fairy tale creatures.” {Sighs} {Man’s voice} All right. This one’s full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don’t let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I’ve got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he’s just - - He’s just a little nervous. He’s really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I’m the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He’s getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated….. resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin’ back here. Incredible! Are you talkin’ to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin’ to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin’ over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that’s great. Really. -Man, it’s good to be free. -Now, why don’t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don’t have any friends. And I’m not goin’ out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I’ll stick with you. You’re mean, green, fightin’ machine. Together we’ll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don’t mind me sayin’, if that don’t work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I’ll tell you why. 'Cause I’m all alone There’s no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There’s no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I’m an orge! You know. “Grab your torch and pitchforks.” Doesn’t that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What’s you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don’t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who’d want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don’t entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That’s another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You’ve trying to give them a hint, and they won’t leave. There’s that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don’t wanna go back there! You don’t know what it’s like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that’s why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories, and in the mornin’ I’m makin’ waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that’s cool. I mean, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I’m a donkey. I was born outside. I’ll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I’m all alone There’s no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I’m outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It’s not home, but it’ll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed’s taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don’t push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let’s go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he…… signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I’m gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You’re comin’ with me. - All right, that’s what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can’t wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That’s enough. He’s ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can’t catch me. I’m the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I’m not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I’ll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who’s hiding them? -Okay, I’ll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she’s married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She’s married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don’t tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you’re not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you’re not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it’s time for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? –Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you’re not into yoga -She’s perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I’ll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We’re going to have a tournament. -But that’s it. That’s it right there. That’s DuLoc. I told ya I’d find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle. -Uh-huh. That’s the place. -Do you think maybe he’s compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I’m not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It’s quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don’t make waves, stay in line And we’ll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your… face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect …… place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let’s do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You’re going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It’s hideous! -Ah, that’s not very nice. It’s just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can’t we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don’t give a damn about my reputation You’re living in the past It’s a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that’s what I’m gonna do And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I’m always feelin’ good when I’m having fun -Yeah! And I don’t have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You’re won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I’m already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I’ll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I’ll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don’t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. -I don’t get it. Why don’t you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there’s a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don’t care… what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “No, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I’m making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I’m on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I’m on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I’m on my way I’m on my way I’m on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d be dead. {Sniffs} It’s brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking about it’s the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It didn’t come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don’t have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights. -I’m just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I’m right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don’t look down. -Okay, don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Keep on moving. Don’t look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I’m lookin’ down! Oh, God, I can’t do this! Just let me off, please! -But you’re already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let’s have a dance then, shall me? -Don’t do that! -Oh, I’m sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I’m doin’ it. -I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shrek, I’m gonna die. Oh! -That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward if you’re a little scared. I sure as heck ain’t no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut … up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she’ll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle the stairs. I’ll find those stairs. I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs won’t know which way they’re goin’. {Creacing} -I’m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don’t mess with me. I’m the stair master. I’ve mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I’d step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where’s the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You’re - - You’re a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you’re a girl dragon. You’re just reeking of feminine beauty. What’s the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay, but you know, I’m, uh - - (Coughs) -I’m an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d work out if you’re gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that’s nice. Now let’s go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don’t think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn’t slay the dragon? -It’s on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn’t right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That’s what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That’s not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next’s over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it’s healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don’t want to rush into a physical relationship. I’m not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I’m looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let’s just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I’m on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I’d really love to stay, but - - Don’t do that! That’s my tail! That’s my personal tail. You’re gonna tear it off. I don’t give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You’re amazing. You’re - - You’re wonderful. You’re… a little unorthodox I’ll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I’m a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn’t - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn’t in the job description. -Maybe it’s a perk. -No, it’s destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love’s first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let’s just say I’m not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You’re my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don’t think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I’m not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You’re a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You’re not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn’t he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You’re not making my job any easier. -I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, all right? I’m a delivery boy. -You wouldn’t dare. Put me down! -Ya comin’, Donkey? -I’m right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you, right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don’t know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. But I’ll let you do the “measuring” when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp? -No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going. -But there’s robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping’s starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there’s Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s famous for. -I know you’re making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we’re through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there’s no “we”. There’s no “our”. There’s just me and my swamp. The first thing I’m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin’ something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don’t you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I’m not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I’m warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What’s your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay? It’s the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. “Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!” They judge me before they even know me. That’s why I’m better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn’t think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That’s the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. –Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What’s all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She’s as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you’re not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That’s my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can’t you see I’m a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don’t know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I’m not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I’m good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he’s basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That’s bad That’s bad When a beauty’s with a beast it makes me awfully mad He’s mad He’s really, really mad I’ll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I’m about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a - - There’s an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry. -Why? What’s wrong? -Shrek’s hurt. -Shrek’s hurt. Shrek’s hurt? Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die. -Donkey, I’m okay. -You can’t do this to me, Shrek. I’m too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’. -I’m sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it’s tender. -Now, hold on. -What you’re doing is the opposite of help. -Don’t move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It’s just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what’s that? {Nervous chickle} -That’s- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin’ a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that’s so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That’s DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad’s compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I’m - - I’m worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn’t look so good. -What are you talking about? I’m fine. -That’s what they always say, and then next thing you know, you’re on your back. Dead. -You know, she’s right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea. -I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner. -I’ll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t feel my toes! I don’t have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I’d like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it’s late. I-It’s very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here. You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you? -Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside. -Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here. -Oh, what are you talkin’ about? -I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it. -You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I’m not sayin’ I do 'cause I don’t - - she’s a princess, and I’m - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin’? -To get… move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it’s okay. It’s okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I’m the princess. -Aah! -It’s me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You’re, uh, uh, uh, different. -I’m ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before. -It’s only happens when sun goes down. “By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you find true love’s first kiss… and then take love’s true form.” -Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry. -It’s a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly. Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don’t marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you’re kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how’s it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it’s pretty and - - well, I don’t really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. I’d - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I’m in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can’t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? “Princess” and “ugly” don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how it has to be. It’s the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won’t tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won’t tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin’. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don’t - - There’s something I have to tell you. -You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you’d understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, “Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?” -But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I’ve brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What’d I miss? What’d I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn’t have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I’m Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short… farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the orge. It’s not like it has feelings. -No, you’re right. It doesn’t. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I’ll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do! Threre’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to her last night, She’s - - -I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don’t really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I’ve been here before I know this room I’ve walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it’s not a cry you can hear at night It’s not somebody who’s seen the light It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that’s your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through with you yet. -Well, I’m through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it’s always, “Me, me, me!” Well, guess what! Now it’s my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don’t appreciate anything that I do! You’re always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that’s what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You’re right, Donkey. I forgive you… for stabbin’ me in the back! -Ohh! You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was talkin’ about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn’t talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that’s what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don’t you just go ask her? -The wedding! We’ll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s a will, there’s a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it’s just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don’t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union…. -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the “I do’s”? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t you? -What are you talking about? -There’s a line you gotta wait for. The preacher’s gonna say, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” That’s when you say, “I object!” -I don’t have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don’t you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town’s in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They’re at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me - - -But you can’t marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he’s just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don’t listen to him. -He’s not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re but a kiss away from our “happily ever after.” Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -“By night one way, by day another.” I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It’s disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don’t just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I’ll make you regret the day we met. I’ll see you drawn and quartered! -You’ll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I’ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I’m king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I’m a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -“Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form.” -“Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form.” -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That’s the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I’m a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I’m in love Ooh-aah I’m a believer I couldn’t leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I’m a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I’m in love Ooh-aah I’m a believer I couldn’t leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I’m a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I’m in love I’m a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I’m a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh. -I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I’ve got my head on straight I’m a freak an apparition Seems I’ve made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don’t wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don’t want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it’s off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don’t wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don’t want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home……… I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It’s a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let’s be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I’m so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let’s just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It’s a new romance It’s a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah………….. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What’s left is out of sight What’s a girl to do I’m telling you You’re on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you’re standin’ next to me It’s like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It’s like wow And when we touch it’s such a rush I can’t get enough It’s like- - It’s like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It’s like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It’s like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It’s like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it’s just like wow It’s just like wow You are all I’m thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I’m feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There’s a smile There’s a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There’s no more mystery It is finally clear to me You’re the home my heart’s searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I’m filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face Special help by SergeiK 

... fu ck