#I’ve never been Not Sober in my life but I can say with confidence that if I was not sober I would just write fic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anonymatt1 · 3 days

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another story of mine! this is fiction and i’d never condone anything like this irl, but hopefully you sick perverts (affectionate) can get off to it

CW: stalking, cnc, creampie, bondage, drugging, intoxication

I first saw you when we sat next to each other in class. I’ve always been a shy person, most of the friends I’ve made already know someone else in my friend group. So it took me by surprise when you took an interest in me. I know you were just being nice, but when you introduced yourself I knew you were going to be my girl. We got closer over the semester, and you even invited me over to your apartment a few times to work on a project or to study for a test. I fell more and more in love with you the more time I spent with you, but I could tell you didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t want to scare you off, so unfortunately I could only express my feelings for you in more secret ways. Sneaking a little card into your bag that says “I love you so much it hurts”. Putting in a mobile order for your coffee when I notice you going to Starbucks (under your name of course, I can tell you’re still not ready to accept my love just yet). Scaring away anyone else who shows interest in you so I can save you all for myself.

It was over Thanksgiving break that I had a realization. If I couldn’t get you to fall for me regularly, I would just have to make you fall for me. After that I started to plan the best way to make you love me as much as I love you. I remembered you saying you didn’t have the best family life, and how you really dreaded going home for the holidays. Using that, I was able to convince you to stay on campus later than the rest of your roommates. By this point you also trusted me enough to confide that you thought someone was stalking you, and you’d feel better if you weren’t alone.

Now I just had to figure out the best way to break you apart, so that I’d be able to mold you back together as my own. You’d mentioned how you enjoy smoking weed, and I said I’d get some alcohol even though we were both still underage. What better way to begin our break from college courses than relaxing in a way that just wasn’t feasible during the semester (at least not for honor students like us). I told you that I’d stay a little more sober, to make you feel safer from this “mysterious” stalker, and that you could just let yourself go for this one night. You’d gotten pretty cross-faded, but I had to make sure I didn’t mess up my only chance to make you mine. So I roofied your next drink and gave a toast. You didn’t notice I wasn’t actually taking my shot alongside you, and you certainly didn’t notice me picking you up as you blacked out.

I took you to your bedroom and laid you out on top of your neat sheets. You looked so cute, just laying there, so peaceful. I had to shake myself out of my reverie so that I could secure you before you woke up. You wouldn’t be awakening any time soon, but I needed to make sure everything went perfectly. Another sign that we were meant to be together were the posts of your bed. They were thick, perfect to tie you down to until you realized what I already knew, we were made for each other. I spread your limbs out so I could have easy access to all of your body, I wanted to be able to explore every inch of you. Next I had to gag your mouth. I hated to do that to you, but unfortunately I couldn’t take the chance that you might panic before I could show you my love.

Now that I had you positioned correctly, I could move on to pleasuring you. During some of our more risque conversations, after we’d finished studying and you got a little tipsy or high, you mentioned how sensitive your tits were. It was obviously meant as an off-handed comment to a friend, but it gave me an idea on how to convince you I was the only man for you. I taped little bullet vibes onto your nipples and turned them onto medium. I wanted to make you as aroused and sensitive as I could before you came to. Next I set a vibrator to rest on your clit, but this one I left on low. At that point I couldn’t help but take a taste of your pussy, the sight of it too tempting to pass up. You hadn’t worked up much arousal yet, but just the taste of you nearly drove me to madness. I had to take a second to calm myself, and then I started slowly rubbing the outside of your vagina. I knew it’d be some time still before you’d wake up, so I just gently stroked up and down your lips, swapping which arm I was using a couple times so that I didn’t wear one out too much. I started to hear some moans coming out of your mouth so I quickly moved up near your face. You were still unconscious, but it seemed my ministrations were doing a good job of getting you worked up. I took a bit of a chance, but I had to hear those moans straight from your mouth. I removed the gag, and hearing your sweet voice was the most erotic thing I’d ever experienced. You still weren’t waking up, so I took another chance and had my first kiss with you. You couldn’t kiss me back, and yet it was still the best kiss I’d ever had. Then I noticed your eyes shifting, a small sign that you would soon awaken.

It took a large amount of restraint to pull away and put the gag back on, but the thought of losing you was enough to make me break our kiss. As your eyes fluttered open, I reached back down to your cunt to find that you had become soaked. The continued stimulation of the vibrators had made you start to leak arousal. The alcohol, weed, and drugs had fogged up your brain, and all of the sensations you started to feel as you woke up didn’t do anything to help clear it. I slapped your face. Not too hard, just enough to help jump start your consciousness. The first thing you saw after coming to was my face. I couldn’t help but have a smile on my face, I was just so excited to finally be able to express my feelings for you. I saw the fear enter your eyes as you realized what was happening and rushed to reassure you. “Don’t worry baby. I know it’s frightening right now, but soon you’ll understand I’m just trying to help you realize we belong together.” This didn’t do anything to calm you and you started to struggle against the ropes holding your limbs. Seeing that I hadn’t done enough to convince you yet, I turned up each of the vibrators and started to suck on your nipples. I continued to rub the outer lips, but I also started to gently finger you as well. You had already gotten aroused enough that I could quickly add another finger and start to stretch you farther. When you became aware again your moans had stopped, but the increased stimulation began to force you to let out sounds of pleasure once again. Once I noticed this moved to be face-to-face with you once again. “See princess, I just want to make you feel good. If you stop struggling then I can start to make you feel even better,” I murmur.

Tears had started to roll down your cheeks and I quickly licked up the trails. Your face was too beautiful to be marred by such things. At this point I couldn’t hold back any longer. I pulled off my pants and boxers, revealing my rock hard cock. Your enticing body had gotten me stiff as a board and leaking pre from the tip. “Now I’m going to start making love to you, darling.” My loving tone and words were at odds with the rape that was occuring, and yet somehow they still felt appropriate. I replaced the vibe on your clit with my hand so that I could thrust into you more freely. With one smooth push, I fit the entirety of my cock into your snatch. I saw your eyes flutter once again, but this time it was because of the rush of pleasure you were feeling instead of your groggy state of mind. “That’s it princess. Let my cock push all those silly thoughts of resistance away.” My voice washed over you. The calm, smooth, and kind tenor mixed with your growing arousal, battling with the logical side of your mind saying that this is a bad thing.

I saw that I was starting to make progress, so I went back to your weak point. I pulled the vibes off from your nipples and left them untouched for a minute as I continued to make love to you. Then I took one in my mouth as I gently rolled the other between my fingers. The small period of sensory deprivation had left them extra sensitive, so this managed to bring another moan out of you. This time it was more long and drawn out, everything came together to push you over the edge into orgasm. As I felt the walls of your vagina start to clench around my cock, I pumped into you faster. I wanted us to orgasm together for our first time, bonding us together. The sensations from your pulsing cunt, and the knowledge that I was the one that gave you all this pleasure were just enough to set me off as well.

We orgasmed together and your cunt milked me for all it was worth. Your womb hungrily swallowed my semen until I was utterly spent. As we both came down from our highs, I shifted so that we were face-to-face once more. “I’m sorry that I hid my love for you for so long, but I couldn’t take the chance that I’d push you away. Can you forgive me darling?” I muttered. “I’m going to take off the gag now. Please don’t make me have to hurt you, I only want what’s best for you.” I held eye contact with and reached up to pull out the gag. Your eyes were still watery, tears building up but not falling. You weren’t able to say it out loud yet, but you did manage a small nod to show you accepted my love for you. Another smile broke out across my face, what a wonderful night this was. Content that I was able to show you how we were meant to be together, we laid down and fell asleep, my cock still resting inside you.

#mine #matti’s writing #cnc kink #cnc stalking #cnc k!nk #intox cnc #forced intox

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arcielee · 1 year

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Interview With a Writer

Here is part 3 of my Interview With a Writer series. You can go to this post to review the other amazing authors I have spoken with ♥ Just a BTS of some of the talented minds on Tumblr and ao3.

Name: inthedayswhenlandswerefew

Story: North to the Future

Paring: modern Aegon Targaryen x Reader

Rating/Warning: Sexual themes, substance abuse, acts of violence, and there is a serial killer, so murder.

So when did you start writing? I can remember working on pieces of stories as far back as elementary school, but I never thought of myself as wanting to be a writer. Then in 2010, when I was 15, I got my first vivid, all-consuming, lightning bolt of an idea. It took over my life in the best possible way and I wrote a novel over 9 months.

Now, to be clear, the novel was very bad. But you have to read a lot and write a lot before you start getting good at it, and that experience was absolutely transformative for me.

I had a lot of chaotic life situations and a bit of a crisis of confidence, and I wrote only sporadically during college and for several years afterwards. Then in 2018, I saw Bohemian Rhapsody and it became my only personality trait for a while.

As I was reblogging a million gifsets on Tumblr, I stumbled across fanfiction for the first time, and I was like…wait…other people make up self-insert stories every time they get obsessed with a movie/show too?! It was so exciting, I finally felt like I had an outlet to put my ideas and characters out into the world. I’ve been writing pretty consistently since February 2019, and I would consider that the point when I really became a writer.

I think it is safe to say every writer has that first, all-consuming novel. Does it still exist? Oh yeah, it definitely still exists! I have a Word Doc, and also a paper copy that I had printed and bound at Staples back in the day. It’s a dystopian story about a man who has to pretend to be a true believer in an oppressive regime in order to rise to the top and change it from within, but by the end of the journey he’s become sort of genuinely evil. I keep the paper copy in a box under my bed. Poor quality notwithstanding, it has a lot of sentimental value.

Okay, where did the plot for North to the Future come from? What inspired the story? Towards the end of writing my Aemond fic—Have You No Idea That You’re In Deep?—I started feeling this fascination with Aegon as a character, and I could kind of sense that there was a story about him ready to be excavated from wherever ideas wait to be discovered.

I kept picturing him in an unassuming little bar filled with Christmas lights as snow fell outside: sad, drunk, wearing all black. But I didn’t have a story yet, just a vision. And the songs I kept hearing when I thought about this tortured modern Aegon were 90s songs: Everlong, A Long December, Drive.

Then one day out of nowhere, the plot showed up.

The first real idea I get for a story is always the very end, and I saw Aegon and the protagonist barreling down the Pacific Coast Highway in a red convertible. I knew that Aegon was sober and going back home to face some terrible past, and that the girl he loved was experiencing California for the first time, and that they were both finally free of demons they’d been running from their whole lives. Once I knew the ending, the rest of the details started falling into place, and within a few days I had an outline and chapter list.

Explain your interpretation of Aegon. What drives him? Why is he the way he is in NttF? Aegon is a talented and intuitive person, but he’s clearly not suited for running a venture capital empire or corporate work in general. So his earliest, most formative memories are of his parents (and grandfather) being disappointed in him. He experienced abuse, both emotional and physical, and developed extremely harmful coping mechanisms that at a certain point he no longer knew how to function without. He was suicidal in part because of his self-loathing and the futility of his situation, but also because the only time he received even vague compassion from his parents was after he had swallowed a bottle of pills or stabbed himself with four of his mother’s EpiPens.

Of course what Aegon overlooked was that he did have people back in Miami who cared about and wanted to help him, although they were too young to effectively communicate it: Aemond, Helaena, and Daeron.

After the accident that claimed Aemond’s eye and three innocent lives, Aegon can’t cope with reminders of what he’s done because he’s fundamentally not someone who ever wants to hurt others. He directs his destructiveness inwards, not outwards, and even when striking out in self-defense he runs away as soon as the opportunity presents itself. That’s the real difference between Aegon and Jesse. When Dadtini talks about Jesse, he mentions bruises and kicked down doors. That’s not Aegon. Jesse gives bruises, Aegon gets them.

Was there anything in specific that inspired your Reader portrayal? I didn’t consciously have anyone in mind when I was writing Appletini, but most of my Readers tend to be snarky, studious, and guarded (yet reluctantly hopeful), so that’s probably my own personality bleeding into the characters! I envisioned someone who was well-intentioned and ostensibly responsible, yet under the surface struggling in a way that she felt she couldn’t share with anybody else. I think most people have felt like that at some point in their lives, so it’s just a matter of being able to take the essence of that feeling and shape it to fit with the story’s narrative. Honestly, the most difficult part of writing Appletini was her relationship with her extremely supportive and functional parents, as that’s not something I have much experience with. I was really relieved when people connected with Momtini and Dadtini as characters because I wasn’t sure if I was doing them justice. In what ways do you feel your Reader compliments Aegon? The defining characteristic of the Aegon/Appletini relationship is that she wants him to become the best version of himself, and truly believes that he has the capacity to if he’ll work for it. She knows he’s brilliant, she knows he’s a genuinely good person under all of his issues and mistakes, she knows he’s fine af, and she knows she loves him. But none of that is enough if he’s not sober.

Someone like Heather or Joyce wouldn’t see value in Aegon, and someone like Kimmie wouldn’t push him to change. The story is in the war that Appletini fights to prove that Aegon can and should conquer his demons. Similarly, Aegon wants Appletini to break free of her suffocating obligations in Juneau, and it causes him genuine pain to see her not living the life she wants. They really want the best for each other, even in their worst moments.

Was there another character (OC or canon) in your story you enjoyed portraying? (And why?) Firstly, I really enjoyed writing Kimmie because she’s a twist on the trope of the attractive, overtly-sexual, not terribly intellectual girl always getting killed in horror movies. Kimmie is the “hot friend” and she loves to party, but she’s also deeply loyal and affectionate, and she notices certain things that other people don’t. I wanted the readers to underestimate her, and then hate her, and then come back to realizing that she wasn’t a villain after all. She could use a better sense of boundaries, but she’s a good person. I feel like by the end of NTTF, it’s clear why Heather, Joyce, and Appletini are friends with Kimmie despite all her…peculiarities.

Secondly, Trent was a super fun character to write, because he’s unnerving without being completely unrealistic. He reminds me of a lot of the frat boys I went to college with…superficially pleasant yet entitled, less malicious than willfully ignorant about anything that doesn’t fit with what he wants in life. He’s a product of the “boys will be boys” era that he grew up in, especially with Alaska being more old-fashioned than the rest of the country, so the 1990s there feel like the 1960s or 70s in some ways. Also, I can’t lie, I loved all the dumb horse boi jokes.

Finally, I absolutely adored Aemond as a character and I was just as impatient as the readers were for him to finally show up in Chapter 11. He’s so stoic and fierce, but he has a tremendous amount of love for Aegon and this blind faith in his ability to change for the better. Aemond’s personality is a lot like Appletini’s, which is why they end up having this tacit respect for each other. I think they end up as close friends eventually, probably even closer than Aemond and Aegon.

Was there an OC character that reflects the author? Out of all the NTTF characters, I am definitely the most like Heather! I’m that friend who is snarky and judgmental on the surface, but also ferociously protective…which can be tough when you’re watching your friends make questionable decisions, like our poor beloved Heather was forced to throughout the series. I know she was thrilled to see that everyone ended up happy. That’s all we really want, us Heathers of the world.

You mentioned your retirement from fan fiction, so what is next? What’s next is writing a novel, which I am super excited about! I’ve had the plot figured out for a few years now and have written bits and pieces of it already, but now I’m determined to dive in without any creative detours and get it written, hopefully within a year.

I do have some trepidation about the project—What if the idea isn’t good? What if I can’t do it justice? What if I can’t keep to a schedule now that I don’t have an amazingly wonderful audience expecting weekly updates?—but I’ve come to realize that if I never try to be a “real” writer, I’m going to regret it my whole life. I’m trying to be logical about it and tell myself that even if my first book isn’t perfect, I can always write others, so it’s not like my whole future is contingent upon this one project. I’ve had the idea for so long that the characters feel real to me, and I just want to tell their story well.

#interview with a writer #iwaw3 #bts #of their brilliant writing #i hope you all enjoy #♥#aegon targaryen fanfic #aegon targaryen x reader #aegon ii fanfic #aegon ii x you #biiiiiiitch

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phoebefucking-bridgers · 2 years

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10 things i hate about you

A/N- tbh i’ve had this idea for ages i’ve just never been assed enough to write it, oops… anyway so i thought why not just mix one of my favourite films and my fav girl together?? kinda similar to the storyline but also not i have no idea will probably add a summary later on but i’m literally falling asleep rn

WORD COUNT- 3.6k+

WARNINGS- slight smut, fingering, crying, some angst some fluff idrk but happy ending, fake dating but only one half knows if u know what i mean,, about it i think

not proofread because i wrote the second half at 3am lol

Dating Carol came with many ups and downs, though hardly any of the latter on her behalf- confident, cocky, strong enough to probably snap you in half- but a cuddly sweetheart underneath her hardened exterior. You never once thought around a year ago that you would ever succumb to the blondes daily routines, let alone even be in the same proximity as her. But well, who were you to ever want to complain? The universe and the gods just seemed to be on your side, looking back and reminiscing all the good you’d caused in your life, wondering what had caused your sudden luck; the attention of Carol Danvers.

Carol was all you could ever ask for and more, the woman deemed as a literal god in your eyes. She was always so casually protective, calmly whisking you away from any uncomfortable situation with a stoic expression.

Tony chuckled boastingly, always utterly too loud for your own liking, relaxing a heavy arm on your shoulder, not budging when he felt you tense slightly, flexing his defined muscles. “Answer me, sweetheart.” You had no idea what Tony had said, you focus drawn on the endearing term. Your throat felt tight, unable to speak, to move, to-Why did it sound so bad coming from him, but so good from Carol?

A strong hand appeared gently on your upper back, strong but not enough to hurt you, light but not too light so that she could still assert her dominance over you. You immediately relaxed in her strong arms, as she roughly peeled Tony’s body off from you, the stench of whiskey on him quickly leaving your senses. To your surprise, Carol seemed perfectly sober. Tony just smirked smugly, folding his arms over his chest. “Jealous, Danvers?” Carol didn’t respond, whisking you away gently.

“Go fuck yourself, Stark.” You didn’t catch the wink that Tony sent her after that. Maybe if you did, it would all be different. She spoke once again, after bringing you to safety in her strong arms.

“You alright, sweetheart?”

You smiled back at the memory. That was also where you found yourself now, at Tony Starks house party, one of Carol’s outrageously cocky friends, relying on a half empty coke can and a rusty swing for comfort. The breeze was nice enough, though. The sounds of raging party music increased, along with a loud hoard of Carol’s friends entering the garden, before dimming again. You glanced back at the grass.

You would be lying if you said you’d never questioned Carol and her sudden interest in you, though you’d never say it to her face. You were sure she didn’t even know who you were a couple of months ago, just classing you as a random girl she’d pass aimlessly, maybe even being considered as just a quick fuck for a moment in time. You didn’t want to think about that.

You never knew why Carol loved dragging you to these parties, anyway. Some of Carols closer friends would send you guilty looks every other minute, causing you to worry immensely. Others, trying to project themselves onto you every chance they got.

“Hey, bug.”

Natasha was one of the few you actually liked. She never invalidated your feelings, nor was only nice to you with Carol in close proximity. A friend you never wanted to lose. “You alright?”

“Hi Nat. I’m fine, thank you.” Natasha slumped down on the bench swing next to you, sending you a small smile.

“I heard Carol’s been looking for you.”

“She is?”

Natasha hummed. “Last time i saw her she was with Thor. We talked for a bit and then i left to find Wanda.” Nat smiled sympathetically, talking to you for a couple more minutes before leaving to find Wanda again.

You missed Carol. Where was she? After all, she was the one who dragged you here. You maybe, just maybe thought she’d care more just after you gave her your all last night.

“This alright, bug? Still okay?” Carol was unbelievably and utterly gentle with you, pressing wet kisses to the bare skin of your neck. Her arms loosening their grip around your waist when she didn’t hear your response.

A strong, firm hand took place on your jaw, the other on top of your hand, rubbing tight patterns. The hand on your jaw gently pushed your face up, in order to look at her properly and her pouty lips, although serious expression.

“I need to hear you, sweetheart.” She softly nipped at your jaw, before stopping completely to look you in the eyes.

“I’m okay, Carol. And this is okay too.”

She smiled widely, chocolate eyes crinkling slightly in the corners. She wet her lower lip before biting it, removing her hand from yours and placing it down on her lap. She moved to lay back against the bed headboard, using one hand to propel herself up and the other to pat on her upper leg gently, a signal you immediately understood.

Lithe fingers scratch your lower stomach lightly, moving dangerously lower with each brush against skin. Her other hand dropped from your jaw to snake around your neck, going unnoticeably until she squeezed gently. Carol’s fingers inched closer gradually until her fingers were lightly grazing your clit.

She was trying so unbelievably hard to be as gentle with you as she possibly could, thought you quickly came to an assumption that she was trying to hold herself back. Carol was definitely very experienced, to say the least. Much more experienced than you, and that kind of scared you slightly- though you would never say it to her face. A harsh gasp escaped your lips when Carol changed her motions to rubbing tight circles over your most sensitive area to make herself prominent again, quickly brining you back to reality.

“Mm’, fuck Carol..” you just barely managed to mumble out.

This just seemed to urge to blonde on, the smirk growing rapidly as her nimble fingers worked you on fast and quick, never stopping her constant speed, never even breaking a sweat. The muscles in her upper arms flexed and contracted when she first smoothly slid her slim fingers into your warmth.

“Good girl. Good fuckin’ girl.” Carol groaned, throwing her head back with a soft thud as she hit the comforter. It didn’t affect her in the slightest. It actually spurred her on.

Carol bounced her upper thighs up, situating her free hand on your waist to keep you steady, while the other worked magic between your thighs. You squirmed in her grip but she didn’t relent.

Saying Carol is a good lover in bed would be a total understatement. Carol, with stamina for days- in which she could probably go through without breaking out a single sweat- though she would also stop the same second if you asked her to. She was gentle, rough, everything in the books and you loved her for it.

She’s an even better lover out of the bed, always so gentle with you, so patient, so admiring. Always putting your decisions and choices before hers, but also so casually dominating at the same time.

She knew you were so utterly close, working you open faster if that was even humanly possible. But who knows with Carol anymore. “Cmon’ baby, that feel good? Hm?” You nodded profusely.

You tightened around Carol’s fingers and before you even knew it, you were falling of the edge in carols firm grip. She fucked you through your orgasm, surprising yourself when you let out a high pitched moan. Carol didn’t seem surprised, though. Frankly it was quite the opposite; Carol was wearing a shit-eating, smug grin when you caught her eye, relaxing her hood on your waist and letting herself fall further into the covers, bringing you down with her.

Deciding to look for Carol was maybe, just maybe, not your best idea to date. Honestly, if you could go back in time and just tell yourself to wait it out for a few more seconds, minutes, hours, maybe nothing would have ever happened. Though, why would you ever have thought of that at the time? It was stupid to blame yourself, you thought.

Carol was never a hard person to find, so you weren’t surprised when you spotted her chatting with Steve. She was wearing a tailed suit, a navy blue to match the colour of your own dress, which maybe she had planned, or maybe not. You weren’t sure.

Her blonde hair was messily swept over one of her shoulders, the blonde having to re-tuck it every couple of minutes to keep it out and away from her face.

She seemed so deep in conversation that she couldn’t feel your eyes on her, different from usual as she could always sense your presence, even from the other side of the room.

Carol laughed at something that Steve had said, taking a sip from her drink once Steve called Tony over.

You felt weird listening in, that was until Tony came over anyway. Truly, you didn’t have anything against him, it just seemed that around half of the time you were uncomfortable in just his presence. He wasn’t bad, you knew. He was practically harmless to you, other than being overly friendly, but his mood could switch instantly.

Steve didn’t seem to notice you either, too engrossed in whatever Tony had to say, as was Carol. Something about a new invention that he was working in that Carol seemed overly impressed with, and actually interested with whatever the man had to say for a change.

You stepped closer carefully, trying harder than you’d like to admit to not accidentally step one someone’s toes. You suddenly stoped in your tracks when you heard Steve mention your name. Listening in closer, maybe he had saw you and called you over, but no. Instead, he sounded almost guilty but curious at the same time? If that was even possible.

You heard Carol sigh, and Tony suddenly went silent. Unusual for him.

“So, when are you going to tell her?” Steve spoke quickly, before going silent again.

“Steve…” Carol sounded uneasy.

“No Danvers, he’s right. When are you going to tell her it’s all a fucking lie, just a quick fuck for cash and nothing else?” Tony spoke up, too loud for Carol’s liking.

Honestly, she felt absolutely fucking horrible, wishing your relationship had started in better circumstances. Carol didn’t want to admit her mistakes. She wasn’t very good at that.

Yes, it started of one sided, but Carol soon found herself falling for you - and Yes, she knew having sex with you was a complete dick move, but she found that she couldn’t help herself. She was compelled by you.

Hearing their conversation made your heart drop, and if it could, would smash into a million pieces. Maybe that could’ve made Carol realise the extent of her mistakes.

Tony’s eyed widened once he spotted you, making Carol’s stomach turned before she made the dreaded turn-around, praying she wouldn’t see you. “Fuck.” Tony muttered.

Carols jaw dropped the second she made out your blue dress in the shadows, seeing your teary eyed expression and the clear embarrassment on your face. You were embarrassed. Embarrassed you believed her stupid act. You stormed of quickly, not caring if you were causing a scene, with Carol right on your heels. You barely made it out of the door before her hand caught yours.

“Babe….” She looked angry, angry with herself, angry that she was the reason for your state, but also the saddest you’ve ever seen her. She had no right to feel sad.

“Don’t. Don’t call me that.”

She brushed a hand through your messy hair, face flushed and breathing heavily. Once her flushed state faded away, she looked like she was going to be sick at any given moment, ghostly pale. You had never seen her look so weak and it honestly scared you more than words could.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. Just give me a chance and I’ll fix everything, I’ll fix this, i promise.” Carol rambled on desperately.

“When?”

“Tony’s party, the one five months ago. You didn’t attend because Wanda was sick and you didn’t want to leave her alone.”

Thor had invited his good friend, Brunhilde Valkyrie to The compound as she was visiting earth, and of course, she had bought Asgardian mead with her. Carol loved the stuff. She couldn’t get drunk off normal alcohol anymore, so she had to resort to Valkyries large stash. Then she really found out why Thor loved it so much.

Everyone was stupidly drunk, off their minds drunk, so truly it was no one’s fault that things went the way they did. Well, they all felt incredible guilt after.

Tony decided a little game could be fun, to help spice up the atmosphere once everyone had left other than the avengers. Carol wanted to leave, but decided another drink couldn’t hurt that much. The group went back and forth with little bets, dares, you name it. Everything was going smoothly until Rhodey sent Carol a knowing smirk and then she knew she should’ve left early.

“Carol, i dare you…” He pondered it for a minute, before deciding that his thoughts were the most practical option.

Natasha and Clint sent a smile Carols way, knowing Rhodey had something in store, Clint trying to smile at her while also chugging down his beer. Natasha just rolled her eyes.

“I dare you to go out with y/n.” Carols eyes widened, tilting her head with confusion. She could see Thor eyeing her nervously from the corner of her eye.

“What, I’m not sure…” Carol shrugged her shoulders, her expression blank.

“A dares a dare, Danvers.” Tony spoke suddenly. God, she wanted to kill him. She saw Bruce harshly nudging Tony’s shoulder, but decided to ignore it.

“You know you don’t have to do it, Carol.” Thor spoke warmly, sending Carol a sympathetic smile.

Carol rested her head on her hands, slouching further into the sofa. In all honesty, she didn’t want to the dare. She liked you, liked you more than she’d want to admit. Ever. She didn’t want to ruin the small friendship she had already formed with you. Her thoughts her slowly succumbed by alcohol through out the whole night, and through her drunken mind she thought; fuck it.

If carol knew this all then, she would do it the right way. She would take you out properly to her favourite little restaurant a couple of minutes away from the compound, then to the bar that she adored so much. But she never fought that far.

“Alright. I’ll do it.”

A single tear slid down your cheek, Carol standing stiff as a stick, no control over her body movements, nor her emotions. She felt crushed, emotionally and physically. It was never meant to go like this. She felt like crumbling to her knees. But she couldn’t, not in front of you. You didn’t deserve it.

“You have to know, i never meant to hurt you. I love you.” She stated, teary eyed with a completely honest expression. You knew she was telling the truth. Carol never broke down in front of you. Not even once. Carol, your strong, cocky girlfriend who never gave a shit about anyones thoughts about her, but also Carol, the broken blonde with puffy eyes and a pleading expression. You wouldn’t be surprised if she dropped to her knees and begged you to listen.

“I know.” Carol didn’t even have a chance to process your words before you were gone. Your loud sobs quickly faded away, along with the clacking of your heels against the hard wood stairs.

Carol didn’t follow you, though she wanted too. She knew she needed to let you calm down and process your emotions first before she bombarded you with apologies.

What Carol didn’t know what that Thor stood silently behind her, making himself known when he placed a hand on Carols back. She turned around hesitantly and he opened her eyes wide for her, allowing her to sob silently on his shoulder.

Thor knew Carol never meant any harm to you, and this was the complete opposite of what she wanted, in fact, she didn’t think it could of gone any worse. She knew she was in the wrong, and Thor knew too, but he also knew you would come around, as Carol showed that she truly loved you.

Thor continued to pat her back, ignoring the mascara tracks down her cheeks that were quickly spreading onto her shirt. He just held her closer.

You felt fairly better two days later, feeling as if a small weight from the massive pile on your shoulders had been lifted, better than none ,though. You still felt overly shitty, and you missed Carol dearly.

Carol was giving you space to grieve, and you really appreciated it, giving you time to let all of your tears and emotions out. In most of that time you never left your room, except from the occasional visits from Natasha, Clint, and Thor. You never talked about Carol. Natasha told you about Wanda- who promised to talk to you when she was back in town, Clint who told you all about his family, showing you photos which your quite adorable, but you’d never admit it to him, and Thor, who not so subtly wanted you to visit Asgard. He told you all about Jane and Valkyrie, and how they both wanted to meet you.

They made you feel so much better, and you were so grateful for them helping you take your mind off Carol. Natasha tried to get you to open up about your feelings, but you weren’t ready yet, and she respected that, you just couldn’t wait forever.

Carol always found herself waiting outside your door, though never getting the courage to knock. And shyly disappearing before she could get caught by anyone and go through the embarrassment.

No one ridiculed Carol like she thought they would. In fact, they all seemed to understand her, understanding that she never meant any harm to you at all.

Thor had persisted and persisted until you finally gave in on his offer of having breakfast with him. He said it would be good for you to get out of your room, and frankly, you agreed.

Sipping on your coffee, you hoped you wouldn’t have to come face to face with Carol at any moment in time, not soon anyway. And to your surprise, your wish had been fulfilled as you didn’t catch any sight of her through-out the whole breakfast. Not even when you were walking back to your room, she was no where to be found.

Thor walked you back to your room, smiling at you softly before leaving. You stepped in the unlocked room, and immediately something felt off, the atmosphere was different. You promptly switched the light switch and they flickered on, alerting you of the other figure in the room, sitting shyly on the edge of the bed something held tightly in her hands.

You thought of kicking her out, but quickly forgot it. You hesitantly walked over to the edge of your bed, and sat next to her, not looking her in the eyes because you knew it would make it a hell of a lot harder. She knew you weren’t going to speak first, so she took a chance.

“When i accepted the dare, Tony gave me some money for it.. and i know this isn’t an excuse for anything I’ve done to you, and i will never stop apologising to you for it.” Carol looked like she wanted to add something else, but held herself back. Instead, she shifted uncomfortably on the bed end, gently passing you a small box.

You opened the box silently, not that Carol was expecting a response, and tried to stifle your smile when you saw what was inside. You had talked about wanting one of these once before on a late night with Carol. You were surprised she would even remember that.

It all but made it harder for you to hate her, and you hated her for it. Well, you could never hate you, truly, even after breaking your heart and dragging it through the mud.

“Thank you.” You muttered , and Carol smiled gently at you. She knew this would be a long journey for you both, and she was willing to take any risks for you.

“I know I’ve fucked up, so, so bad, but i really want to make this right again. I love you, and i don’t think i can live without you much longer.” You and Carol had never said ‘i love you’ before, and in fact, she had never been this vulnerable with you in the whole 5 months you spent together. Maybe she was more truthful that you had originally thought.

You smiled softly, glancing up and her and she grinned when she saw your smile. Once you nodded, she clasped both of your hands together, and brought you in for a kiss, before stopping abruptly.

“Can i kiss you?” She seemed hesitant this time, not like any of your kisses before.

You nodded again, and that was all the response she needed. She kissed you as gentle and loving as she could, lightly cupping your face with your free hand and rubbing reassuring patterns of love against your jaw. She broke away from the kiss and seemed deep in thought for a second.

“God, i love you.” You found yourself responding quicker than your brain could handle.

“I love you too.”

#carol danvers #carol danvers x reader #carol danvers fluff #carol danvers smut #carol danvers angst #captain marvel x female reader #captain marvel x reader #captain marvel imagine #carol danvers imagine #marvel #avengers imagine #marvel fanfic

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ffion451 · 1 year

Text

Chapter Three: A Man With a Plan | The Centre Cannot Hold: KTH (m)

Chapter characters/pairings: Taehyung x reader, creepy!Jimin | AU/Genre: non idol au, angst, smut (see warnings below) see series m.post for fic summary etc.

Rating/Chapter warnings: ⚠️🔞 M - Adults only! 🔞⚠️ Foul language, a teeny amount of blink-and-you’ll-miss-it angst, a little allusion to smut - There’s nothing too spicy in this chapter, but the whole story has mature themes and so is not suitable for minors.

Word count: 5.9K

Note: I think this one is quite fluffy - but I’m terrible at fluff so you may disagree!

<<< Chapter Two | Chapter Four >>>

Roughly 21 days on from Taehyung’s decision to make you his friend

Barely anything can be heard over the incessant pounding of 1970s disco music. The club itself is far from special, the dance floor in the centre is the main attraction, comprising large square light-up tiles that change in a dizzying array of colours, seemingly unconnected to the music. Strangely, to get to the dance floor you need to take one of the main sets of stairs down to it; the bar and seating areas are all a half-floor above, on a sort of balcony. Upstairs the decor is more muted, here ‘retro’ would be a compliment, ‘grubby’ would be far more accurate.

Grubby is a polite word for what Mira is thinking as she curls her lip in disgust, lifting her heeled shoe with distaste as it begins to adhere to the sticky carpet which is saturated with years of spilled drinks, sweat and things nobody wants to think about.

“It’s disgusting here,” whines one of her friends, “Why are we here again?”

Mira says nothing, flicking her long glossy hair over her shoulder, before looking at the back of her perfectly manicured nails in studied disinterest. A cold side-eye silences her friend, which is the only reply she is going to get. Internally, Mira agrees though, this is a dive and she’d normally not be caught dead in such a place; her eyes flicker to Kim Taehyung who is stood nearby and she wonders how long he can holdout against her. Mira is used to getting what she wants and she wants Kim Taehyung.

Her attention is drawn from her machinations by the giggling of her friends, pointing at a man going wild on the dance floor. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone dance like that in my life,” snorts Mira derisively, joining in with the braying laughter of her friends.

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Taehyung feels a slight stab in his chest as he catches the words of the girls stood nearby, realising who they’re mocking. His cousin, Jin, is on a visit home from the States, right now he’s taking a wide space on the illuminated dance floor. He’s dancing alone and, well… very unusually would be a generous description. He’s also very drunk, which has given him the confidence to do so: Jin is not a shy man in some ways, he knows he is stunningly attractive and owns it openly. Nonetheless, he is an introvert and he’s never been a confident dancer and so is normally shy of his moves, never keen to occupy the dance floor alone.

You’re not part of Mira’s group but you’re also nearby. You hear the comment and you too are saddened, especially when the rest of her sycophants laugh and it’s obvious to anyone who looks who it’s at. You don’t like Mira much at all, she seems to be stuck in her Mean Girl schooldays phase. Yes, she is incredibly attractive, so you can’t really judge her for her arrogance, but you do judge her for her many cruelties. Right now, you’re less focused on what she’s doing and more the effect of her actions: a glance at the dance floor shows you that Jin is slowing his movements and is looking at Mira.

Shit, you think to yourself, he’s seen. Like Jin, you are also cripplingly shy about dancing when you’re not drunk. Unlike Jin, you’re stone-cold sober, it doesn’t matter though, you know you have to do something. You know he arrived with Jihan and his friends and your housemate Ellie said he was Taehyung’s cousin, but none of them seem to be paying any attention. Men, your think a little hopelessly, realising they’ll be little help. You look around desperately for your friends to help but nobody else is near and you realise you just have to go for it: you must act.

You’re never far from Taehyung’s attention or focus and he senses the change come over you as you stiffen and tense. He watches the confusion of your thought processes and notices your frantic searching; your eyes pass over him without even seeing him in your search around the bar. He continues to watch as you take a deep breath, striding towards the dance floor and finally he realises what you’re going to do.

He’s about to join you, realising he should have done the same, when you’re suddenly flanked on both sides. Aera and Ellie have seen you from the other side of the room and rushed to your aid. In moments, the three of you surround Jin and start dancing with him.

Taehyung can’t keep the smile off his face. Yet the thing that makes his heart flutter isn’t that you dance with his cousin, rather it’s that you mimic Jin’s moves - not making fun of him as Mira had, but joining in and changing the mood from embarrassment into a celebration of people being simply who they are without artifice or pretence. He admires it. He wants it. He wants you.

On the dance floor, you feel a little odd adopting the pose of something between a chicken and a penguin whilst strutting back and forth but it’s actually more fun that you thought it would be when you get started*. You find yourself laughing, especially at the sheer delight on Jin’s face as he regains his drunk confidence and lets loose.

Taehyung watches the scene happily, his heart light, before he’s jolted by Jihan grabbing his elbow; his friend manoeuvres him to the dance floor with some others to join in the fun.

You love this club, in all it’s grimy, seedy glory. Yes, it’s a bit grim, but usually its vibe is incomparable. People like Taehyung and his friends, and Mina and hers, just don’t come here - it’s not expensive, exclusive or cool enough for them. You’re glad of that, it means that the people who do come are here for a good time, not to be seen by others or to make a sport of judging them.

You are pushing thoughts of them from your mind and relaxing when you see Jihan guiding his friends to join you and your heart sinks a little. You’ve always liked Jihan; he may be uptight and a little bit obsessive about details and rules, yet at heart he is a very kind and genuinely a good guy… his other friends you’re much more cautious of. Nonetheless, when Jihan gives you a megawatt smile, you return it and feel a little easier. You smile around the new dancers in greeting, trying to make an effort, until you’re face to face with Taehyung, that is.

He is not smiling: his mouth is set downwards and a chill runs through you as you lock eyes with his unreadable ones. You see his lips part as though to speak and you’re suddenly afraid that he’s misread the situation and he’s going to give you a piece of his mind: maybe he thinks you’re laughing at Jin?

Your own smile disappears in response and you pause, your body freezing. Though drunk, Jin notices your sudden discomfort even if he doesn’t identify the source. He pulls you gently towards him and leads you into a comic, sloppy rendition of the Pulp Fiction dance and it’s not long until you’re laughing again.

By the time you’re tired of dancing about half an hour later, Taehyung’s attention seems gratefully occupied elsewhere with his other friends. Jin and Ellie have started dancing a little cosily which makes you smile, whilst Aera whispers to you that she’s done. A quick interruption of Ellie and Jin signals that she’ll see you at home and so you two head home with Aera instead.

As you leave the club, having collected your coat, you take one look back at the dance floor and smile at Ellie who gives you a wave. Jihan notices that you’re leaving and gives you a very dramatic sad look; you clutch your heart in mock pain and wave goodbye as you turn, aware of the dark eyes glaring at you from over Jihan’s shoulder… You are careful not to look at Taehyung, already realising the expression you’ll find written across his face. You’ve had fun, you are not going to let him spoil your night.

Jihan turns back to his friends as you leave and catches the expression on Taehyung’s face, “Why are you glaring at her like that? She literally just did your cousin a favour, you asshat!” Jihan’s confusion is evident in every word and the huffed breath of disbelief that follows.

Taehyung is confused, “What? I’m not glaring, I’m being serious! Y’know, focused -”

Jihan interrupts with a snort, “Well you look like you want to seriously, focusedly murder her,” he laughs and heads off to the bar leaving a puzzled Taehyung behind him.

Taehyung shakes his head. Is focusedly even a word? he thinks for a moment before deciding that Jihan just doesn’t understand; Taehyung is determined to be your friend and he needs you to take him seriously. So far, you’ve only seen him flirty and you haven’t responded well. In fact, it seem to have driven you away. His new strategy is to be serious with you, like he was about photography when you seemed to want to listen to him - he’s certain this new plan will work.

At home and tucked in bed, you replay some of the events of the evening and wonder what you’ve done to make Taehyung dislike you so much. You don’t understand, for ages he seemed determined to fake flirt with you and now he doesn’t like you at all? The way he looked at you tonight made you feel like you were that carpet at the club; something gross and slimy that he was disgusted to find himself near. Is it that his plan to embarrass you failed? That all his flirtation came to nothing? Has he really lost some bet as you suspected?

As you pummel your pillow, you try to convince yourself that you don’t care. Finally, as you drift off you tell yourself that it’s shame that someone so beautiful is so unpleasant, “What a waste of such a beautiful face,” you mumble as you succumb to sleep.

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A few weeks after your night at the club, Taehyung wanders aimlessly around bookshelves while he waits for his housemate, Namjoon, to finish up his long conversation with the librarian about increasing his book allowance. It’s then, in the study section where talking is allowed, that he hears Jimin’s unmistakable laugh. Taehyung shudders, and turns on his heel ready to walk in the opposite direction when he hears a very familiar voice that he’s now adept at recognising.

“Are you going to take this seriously?” you say, though there’s a hint of amusement underneath the firmness of your tone.

He edges closer until he can see the two of you through a gap in the bookshelves. You look softer than he’s ever seen you, you’re wearing the biggest, fluffiest jumper and Taehyung can’t control the warm, fuzzy feeling that grows in him. Beside you, Jimin, with pink hair and a lilac fuzzy jumper, frowns as you clearly try to help him understand something. Taehyung feels a pang at how cute you look together and he starts to worry about you being alone with Jimin. Are you two closer that he thought you were?

He watches then as your head turns and he realises you’re not smiling at Jimin but at a young girl who he recognises as Jimin’s youngest sister. A little while longer of watching shows that you are showing Jimin the best way to tutor his sister. Taehyung finally relaxes, noticing how all the muscles in his body had become tense; as he uncoils he realises that you’re in little danger. He’s even more relieved when he overhears you tell them you need to leave to help Minho prepare his exhibition.

Slipping backwards, Taehyung edges back to meet Namjoon. He realises that today was still a close call. Taehyung might be prepared to play the long game in terms of becoming your friend, but if he really wants to protect you from Jimin then he will need to become part of your life soon. He decides he needs to up his game and is grateful that he’s got an invite to the opening party of Minho’s exhibition this weekend.

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“What is Tae’s problem with you?” asks Mira, scrunching up her nose. She’s trying to rile you, but you’re oblivious and she cannot understand why you look so relieved in reaction to her question.

You look around the large gallery, where you’re celebrating the launch of your friend Minho’s exhibition, and you catch the eye of Aera, immediately beckoning her over.

You smile back at Mira, “Sorry,” you smile as Aera joins you, “Please, would repeat what you just said to Aera? You’ll be saving my sanity!”

Mira is confused but does as you ask. She would normally suspect a trap, but you’re clearly genuine; Mira knows you’re honest and kind, she’s got no reason to dislike you but she just can’t help it. It’s not you that she dislikes really, it’s that you’re the focus of so much of Taehyung’s attention. She doesn’t get it when she evaluates you: as she takes you in she concedes that the knee length dark green dress you’re wearing suits you, the cut is flattering and yeah, your legs and tits might look great but she still knows she’s more attractive. She feels especially prettier tonight in a tight red dress that’s shorter and lower cut than yours.

As Mira finishes explaining, you smile triumphantly at Aera.

“You see?” you grin and then turn to Mira, “Sorry Mira, but for ages I’ve been telling my friends that I’ve clearly pissed Taehyung off somehow because when he looks at me the expression is clearly ‘fuck off and die’ and nobody would believe me - so, thank you!” you breathe, smiling smugly at Aera.

There’s a little back and forth for a while whilst the situation is debated but soon the conversation moves on to other things and you leave Mira and Aera chatting, grateful to escape Mira.

Though you’ve tried to stop the mingling of your social circles you keep coming into contact with Taehyung. Over the course of the last month he has changed from outright flirtation to stoic silence. You’d be fine with that, if it wasn’t for the fact that he seemed to just continually stare at you angrily, no matter how many times you looked away, ran away or hid.

Unsurprisingly, as you wonder yourself what his problem is, the nasty voice in your mind speaks up: he probably hates you because you didn’t take the bait and he lost his bag the ugly girl bet. Then you think of how Mira looked you up and down with a sneer when she saw you this evening.

You shake the thoughts from your head sadly, acknowledging they’re probably true and that you’re a figure of fun for people like them. Someone to laugh at and judge. It can’t be helped, you think, you don’t really want their approval or friendship anyway; you love your friends and would never trade their kindness for the hollow superficiality of people like Mira.

You make your way to the drinks table where you see Minho in a small group. Grateful for the safety he provides, you seek solace in his conversation and warmth. After a little while of talking, with the group and praising Minho’s achievements, you notice Taehyung has joined the conversation and you think to yourself, think of the Devil and he shall appear…

“…Oh man, I never would’ve got it all done if it weren’t for my inner circle,” Minho smiles, grabbing your hand and bringing to the back of it to his lips before he releases you, and you smile at him, “I’m so fucking lucky,” he says to Jihan, who had been asking how he’d pulled all this off.

“Cut that out!” you protest, slightly embarrassed by the number of people who have gathered around, “he works so bloody hard, he’s amazing. All the credit is his!”

You pause, “Well, actually, a fair bit belongs to Aera too for coping with him, to be honest!” and everyone laughs gently, everyone but one person, predictably. Said man’s eyes bore into you, without thinking you glance at Taehyung and look away as swiftly as you can. You withstand the conversation around you a little while but excuse yourself shortly afterwards and decide to browse the paintings, desperate to be away from his burning stare.

You find Aera is explaining some aspects of the work to a small group of art dealers, which you join. You move as a group around the paintings, but they leave you behind as you linger at your favourite: pink bodies sprawled on white clouds in a blue sky. You remember sitting in the studio as Minho painted it, listening to music and vibing along in the easy comfort that existed between you and him.

You lose yourself in the painting a little, until you feel someone stood behind you, a little too close for comfort. You step aside, apologising for getting in the way and zoning out.

“Don’t apologise,” Taehyung says and in his deep voice it seems more of a command that a polite reply. In reaction you step very noticeably further away from him.

“Oh.. ok,” is all you can say, as you turn to face him, feeling nervous as he continues to assess you, still unsmiling. Your brain however just keeps saying what the fuck is up with him? but you daren’t say that aloud. Truthfully, you find him ridiculously intimidating. There’s only the two of you now and you’re hardly aware that you’re edging backwards slowly, like from some dangerous predator that you’re afraid to show your back to. Luckily, Mira, who seems to know exactly what to say to Taehyung, appears and distracts him quickly enough for you to make your escape.

You smile as you walk away, understanding now from Mira’s obvious flirtation as she strokes the lapel of his suit why she was so keen to talk to you about Taehyung. You wonder if that’s why she’s been so particularly hostile to you recently, all catty comments under the veneer of politeness: is she just imitating his behaviour? How long will it be until all Taehyung influences other people to scowl at you too?

Feeling tired and a little tipsy, you glance around you to check nobody is watching; you grab another glass of fizz and duck under a red cordon designed to close off the wings of the gallery. You follow the sweeping ramp that leads to the darkened balcony above, to a beautiful sculpture you want to sit beside and enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet. When you reach your destination, you smooth your dress down and slide down the wall, completely in shadow, and finally relax.

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Some time later in the night the gathering has become a bit of a party and Taehyung has no idea where you are, having lost you while Mira pawed at his suit jacket. He’s in a group of people stood beside Minho and finds a way to bring up your missing presence as subtly as he can. Instantly, Minho’s texting you.

He watches out of the corner of his eye and reads the conversation:

Minho: BITCH?! You bailed on my party?!

You: I’m fucking offended! As if I would? I need a little break, it got busy.

Minho: U ok? Where u hiding?

You: Don’t you dare think about playing Nanny to me on your special night! Enjoy yourself, I’m a big girl and I’ll be back when I’ve sorted myself out, just a bit tired.

Minho: I’ve always got u babe, pls call if u need me. U r more important than some wanky art ppl! Tell me where u r in case you fall asleep later and I have to come find u!

You: Enjoy your damn night because you’re one of those wanky art people now, you successful bastard! Also, I fell asleep one time FFS. Will never live it down... I’ve snuck up to the sculpture on the balcony. Just having a quiet 5.

Minho: Take all the time u need babes. Luv u x

You: Love you too x

Taehyung feels victorious: he knows where you are and what you’re doing. He also realises how close you and Minho are, and he fleetingly questions how ok with that Aera actually is. He doesn’t know if he’d be happy with such close affection between his girlfriend and another man… If he ever had enough interest to keep one, that is.

Taehyung steps away, moving towards the drinks table, thinking to himself: even if Minho is satisfied to let you have your alone time for now, he is not. Smoothly, and in a replay of your exact action he sneaks, unobserved, under the cordon you slid under, but he’s carrying two full glasses.

It’s been over two months now and Taehyung is not any further along in his plan to befriend you, he doesn’t understand why when he sees your diverse group of friends - why isn’t there a place for him? He’s not a quitter though and so even if he has to literally back you into a corner to find out what’s going on, he will. He quietly makes his way across the broad balcony when he sees a shadow move at the bottom of the wall nearby, he pretends he hasn’t seen it whilst he waits to see what you will do.

From your quiet spot, you see Taehyung and press yourself into the wall further, hoping he can’t see you. You notice he’s carrying two glasses and you start to panic. You remember one of your favourite old movies, Sabrina, with Audrey Hepburn. You can picture the scene, Hepburn hiding as she watches the routine of the man she’s in love with: he always takes two glasses of champagne at a party and lures his love interest to a quiet spot to seduce them with soft words and dancing. Are you going to watch the same moment? Are you Audrey Hepburn in this scenario? If so who’s the woman you’re going to have to watch him seduce?

You roll your eyes, What if he’s come up here to hook up with Mira? That’s an exhibit you definitely do not want to see… No tickets for that show, thanks. You keep very still and think about how you can make an escape. As you slowly try to sidle further into shadow, you regret your choice of dress, even if it’s a dark green, black would have been even better for blending into the darkness... You sneak a sidelong look at Taehyung. He is all in black, but he’s not trying to blend into the background like you, instead he stands tall, like a Greek god among lesser mortals. No, actually, that’s not quite it... He’s as handsome as a god, yes, but in this moment he reminds you much more of a panther, stalking across the balcony in search of his prey.

You draw further into the shadows as you realise that’s exactly it, he looks like he’s on the hunt and you shudder. Suddenly knowing what it feels like to be prey. It doesn’t help that his hair, normally curled and in his eyes is slicked back, exposing his forehead and making him look even more intimidating.

Closer now, Taehyung hones in on you, making his way over. He could actually laugh out loud because you are very obviously holding your breath and trying to blend into the shadows. You’d be a terrible spy, he laughs internally. Deciding not to prolong your misery, he says your name, almost like a question, when he’s stood only a few feet from you.

There’s a lengthy pause before you answer. “Yep,” your voice is pathetically small and you seem to be getting up.

“Don’t get up,” he says firmly and for some reason, that neither of you fully understand, you comply.

Taehyung is relieved and comes to sit, passing you one of the drinks as he slides down the wall beside you, barely able to make out your mumbled thanks. As he settles he feels you shift away slightly, though his thigh was making barely any contact with yours and he has to stop himself from rolling his eyes at your revulsion of him.

Sat there, in the dark, both of you stare ahead and don’t look at each other: Taehyung can feel the tension radiating from you and the change in your breathing.

He repeats your name, letting it hang in the air between you. He doesn’t look at you for fear of unsettling you further, he can sense you’re on the verge of panicking. He notices out of the corner of his eye that your gaze is also fixed straight ahead.

“Taehyung,” you echo back, as though you were greeting a distant acquaintance.

He repeats your name again, trying very hard to soften his tone, but results only in it becoming very sultry. He wonders what he should ask, not if you’re avoiding him, you’ll lie… nothing that could offend… then he notices you’re trembling slightly. Randomly, he blurts out a sudden thought, “Are you afraid of me?”

Maybe it’s because you’re tipsy, maybe it’s that the question takes you by surprise, but you reply quickly and without thought, “Yes.”

“Why?” Taehyung asks gently.

Perhaps it’s because he’s not looking at you even in the darkness, perhaps it’s your tiredness or that alcohol has loosened your tongue… Whatever it is, it makes you suddenly open and honest.

“I don’t what I’ve done,” you say softly, with no hint of recrimination, “but I have obviously annoyed you. Or maybe it’s just me, maybe you just find me annoying…” you pause, thinking. Taehyung wants to interrupt but knows he should let you continue on.

“Whatever it is, I’m sorry,” you sigh, “I really am, so please, stop with the death stares,” you exhale.

He is shocked and also relieved: he understands your behaviour much better now.

“I’m not annoyed with you. I never have been. Why would I keep approaching you if you annoy me? They’re not death stares, that’s just my face when I’m serious,” he explains and he’s pleased you’re listening attentively, “I’ve been trying to get your attention.”

He can feel you almost thrumming with tension. The silence stretches on and Taehyung feels uncomfortable and nervous, more than he has in a long time. He has no idea what you are going to say.

“Oh,” finally, you speak.

“Oh,” he echoes, a touch of amusement creeping into his voice, “Listen, I think you’re cool and funny and we share a few friends. I just want to be your friend,” he urges, his tone earnest.

It’s only half a lie: he really does mean every word he says, but he wants more too. He’s just as tense as you are and looking at you in that perfect dress in his favourite colour he knows he’d have it up around your waist whilst he fucked you into this wall if you gave him the chance. He’s sensible enough to know that you’ll probably run screaming if he says that though, so he figures it can wait for a better time. Maybe later tonight, maybe not…

“Sorry,” you say, still quiet.

He feels crushed, “Why don’t you want to be my friend?” he breathes, finally turning to look at you in the low light and disappointment is evident in his tone and face.

He’s surprised when you turn your head to face him; as you read the sadness in his face, a gentle and reassuring smile grows across your features and Taehyung tries very hard to ignore the sudden jerk he feels somewhere behind his belly button and the increase in the beat of his heart.

“That’s not what I mean,” you say and you seem like a completely different person. It’s as though his hurt has brought something out in you and your desire to comfort him is greater than your embarrassment. Then he realises it, that’s why you were able to talk to him at the dinner table but not since… why when you hate dancing in front of a crowd that you could still approach Jin… whatever it is that holds you back, seeing someone distressed is worse and so you overcome it… How sweet are you? he wonders. No, how perfect are you?

“I mean that I’m sorry for misjudging you and I’m sorry if I made you feel shitty,” you explain.

Why does he want to kiss you so badly right now? He pushes the thought away and from his mind. He doesn’t want to scare you off. Instead he smiles and his face is transformed by the broad, boxy grin and he’s thrilled to see you smile more widely in return.

“So, can we be friends?” he asks, feeling like a little kid, holding out his pinky finger to you, eyebrows raised.

You laugh in response and take his finger in your own, the single syllable that follows is enough to make Taehyung’s night.

“Yes,” you say, clearly and without hesitation.

You sit in silence for a moment and Taehyung is overcome with a quiet but profound sense of joy. You’re no longer looking at each other, but your pinkies are still entwined.

“Can I ask you something?” Taehyung asks.

“Shoot,” you say calmly as you sip the champagne he brought you, and he cannot believe the change in you, how easily you’ve settled; if he had known that all it would take was to stop flirting and make you feel sorry for him then this would have all been sorted ages ago.

“What’s the recipe for that thing you made for Jihan when he was ill? The thing that was all vegetables because I’ve been craving it and it was delicious.”

You laugh, and he loves the sound, “It really wasn’t that good, it was just a ratatouille,” you smile, “I’ll send you the recipe.”

Taehyung seizes the opportunity and passes you his phone, “Number, please.”

He’s annoyed that you release his hand but glad to see you put your details in his phone.

“I have another question,” Taehyung smiles.

“Sorry,” you say, “you’re crossing a line with all these probing questions right now,” you laugh.

One questions leads to another until you’re in a free flowing conversation about a whole range things. Taehyung is a quick learner and it doesn’t take more than a few scattered questions and actions to work out that flirting makes you very uncomfortable. That’s why you’ve pulled away from him… he resolves to quit it immediately and he’s able to gain your confidence quickly.

As the conversation goes on, you grow more and more tired. He gently moves closer to you, his hand now circling your knees and gently pulling them towards him; you seem unbothered by his hand resting there and he’s pleased.

Taehyung realises that at some point in this animated chat, you’ve become quieter and he’s pleased when your head comes to rest on his shoulder as you relax into him, your empty glass rolling from your hand as he catches it. As much as he’d love you to fall asleep like this he knows it’s going to be uncomfortable. He knows you two live quite near each other and suggests you Uber home together. He doesn’t expect you to say yes, but you do.

⍟ ⊛ ⊛ ⊛ ⊛ ⊛ ⊛ ⊛ ⊛ ⊛ ⊛ ⍟

After making your goodbyes to everyone and leaving together to absolutely nobody’s real surprise but Mira’s, you headed out into the cold air which cleared Taehyung’s mind instantly but pushed you into more drowsiness - Taehyung had to help you into the Uber and you seemed embarrassed.

“It feels so late,” you slur slightly listing to one side, your head precariously close to smacking into the car window.

“Careful there!” Taehyung warns, wrapping his arm protectively around your shoulders. You giggle as he pulls you into his side and he’s surprised by the thrill that runs through him at the feeling of you melting into him. He’s not surprised by the way it makes his pulse quicken, or the low stirring between his legs but he doesn’t expect the sudden desire he has to protect you. Taehyung realises that for some reason he cares about you and he doesn’t even know you yet. He realises that it should concern him, but it doesn’t: he likes it and he decides to lean into it.

You’re very sleepy, but not wasted, so you’re still enough yourself to apologise, “Thank you for looking out for me, Taehyung,” you mumble, “This is not really how a friendship should start.”

He smiles, resisting the urge to kiss the top of your head, “It beats you running away from me,” he laughs, “So I’ll take it.”

“Sorry about that too,” you add, wriggling a little in embarrassment, “What time actually is it?” you ask, changing the subject with a barely suppressed yawn.

Taehyung checks his watch, using the opportunity to pull you closer, “Just gone 3.”

You cringe, “Ellie’s going to kill me if I wake her. Her family are visiting tomorrow and they always arrive really early to catch up before we go to brunch at midday.”

“You can stay at mine,” Taehyung offers immediately, “it’s literally only 20 minutes from my house to yours. I pass your street all the time, it’s right by a bakery I like.”

“I know the one…” you say sleepily. It might be the alcohol or the sleepiness but you trust Taehyung, “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” he says firmly.

A little while later, Taehyung can’t quite believe this is happening. Here you are, in his sleep shorts and one of his favourite oversized tees and you’re on his bed. When he lies beside you, dressed in an almost matching set, you don’t complain, rather you welcome him with a sleepy smile. He puts on Spirited Away and you react to the exact same things as him at the same time, even if your reactions are more muted as sleep begins to claim you.

As you snort with laughter at the three heads bobbing around he laughs with you and finds himself turning a little goopy inside as he gets soft over you, creeping closer to your warmth. He carefully rests his arm over your waist, his hand brushing yours, and is surprised, but uncomplaining, when you take it in your own, pulling him closer as though he’s a warm blanket. You quickly drift into a deep sleep, your fingers entwined with his as he curls closer into your back, spooning around you.

Taehyung smiles broadly, realising he hasn’t felt this giddy with happiness in a long time. It’s not just joy though; he feels lighter, content and somehow comforted - it’s a feeling of peace he doesn’t want to let go of anytime soon and so he makes a resolution: Fuck friends - you two are going to be best friends.

<<< Chapter Two | Chapter Four >>>

A/N: *See the episode of RunBTS with the karaoke and this dance will make sense.

#bts fanfic #taehyung fanfic #taehyung angst #taehyung x reader #taehyung x you #taehyung fluff #taehyung scenarios #btswritersclub #bangtanwhq #no minors please

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cherryfairy-2000 · 5 months

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sometime in spring 2023

I reconnected with my first love recently, 7 years after the end of our relationship and 4 years after the last time I saw him. In between those timelines and lifetimes, I often thought of him as the only one I’d ever love like that. The only soul tie I had ever created. I have loved and been loved since him in those timelines and lifetimes and I believed I had proven myself wrong a few times but the end never felt the way it did when he left. He was the first person to show my young jaded heart that love was real, even when it ended. I remember the rant I gave my mother at the dinner table with tear filled eyes. I was 16 experiencing my first heartbreak and no feeling I had ever experienced had ever felt that real. I spoke highly of him still, through my shattered heart and swollen eyes, tears still racing down my cheeks and eyes that have gotten no sleep. I spoke of gratitude; how grateful I was to love like that, to be loved like that. To feel so deeply and connect to someone in such a way at such a young age.

“The pain was worth it!” I kept repeating, sobbing. “I would go back and only love him harder despite knowing the inevitable end! I would only love him harder and hold him tighter!”

My mother looked over at her 16 year old daughter, crying with gratitude over a broken heart and replied “you are so beautiful.” She herself experienced heartbreak, the end of a marriage just the year before mine and was still in the painful grief process. She was the first of the family to experience heartbreak, a lost love, and I was second. The eldest daughter out of three kids, the middle child and yet I have fallen in and out of love more times than anyone else in my family. They watch my tireless attempts at finding that feeling again like I am a creature at a zoo, dumbfounded at my fearlessness of getting my heart broken again.

He sat across from me for the first time in 4 years and I started to mentally count and compare all the differences I’d notice from the man in front of me to the boy that used to lie in my arms and live in my heart. He has a beard now and I notice chest hair peeking out from the top of his t-shirt. His hair is much shorter and seems darker, still messy but nothing like the shoulder length light blond hair I used to intertwine my fingers in. His smile was the same, his mannerisms too; like the way he uses his hands to talk when he's being lighthearted and playful. He spoke more confidently now, aware and comfortable in his skin. His body resembles more of a man than a lanky young boy which caught me off guard a bit. His eyes haven't changed either and the feeling of his stare has the same effect after all this time.

He told me about his life, his journey through grief and suffering. How he's been committed to healing everything that he avoided in his youth. He can finally cry now, the pressure he used to feel in his face is no longer there. He wears a big tiger's eye crystal around his neck and smiles wider now. His laugh is more full body like he's accepted joy into his life like never before. I had to hold back tears when I noticed all of the similarities and differences I found.

I felt the disconnect from the present, and a simultaneous hyper awareness of all the lives I lived in his absence. This feeling rushed through my veins, like the caffeine from a double shot of espresso or the head rush that follows a sober cigarette. He says “You look the same, but your energy is more you; calmer.” I told him about my life the past 4 years and although I experienced traveling and life in many ways; the common pattern is my habit of getting in and out of relationships. My heart has broken about 5 times since the end of our relationship, in the past 7 years. The men I’ve dated become no more than a stranger to me after a year. How devoted I am to loving even though I was rarely loved back in the same capacity is confusing to him.

“Do you believe you deserve love?” He asked me.

“Are you afraid of being alone?”

I lingered on that thought. Embarrassed. When was the last time I was single? Alone with nowhere to put my love other than myself and my world? I had just moved into my first apartment with my current boyfriend. He's gentle, treats me well and loves me so much. The healthiest relationship I’ve ever experienced in my adulthood. But I can’t help but think we've only been dating for 6 months and not even a month before I met him I was in Greece with a completely different lover. I didn’t choose the city we moved to, he did and I was okay with it. I didn’t plan anything about Greece, he did but I was okay with it. These men that court me plan futures with me in their heads and I fear I just simply play the part... Do I allow myself any say in these futures? Or am I just okay with it? Is the concept of falling and staying in love more important to me than my own journey to find myself? Healing myself? The spiritual path I have always been drawn to but always ignored because the people I allowed myself to love never took that part of me seriously, never mind joining me on the same path.

#scared of being alone #addicted to falling in love #people pleaser?#commitment issues?#literally i'm just a child of divorce #dennis wasn't my greatest love he was just my first #i worry about him still #nostalgic as fuck

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mesaprotector · 2 years

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so having tried out weed several times now, in several different forms, i can say with reasonable confidence it’s not really my thing. but it’s interesting, and i think i get why some people like it.

while lying in bed even two days out from having been high it was like i had the perfect words to describe everything! and now of course that i’m in a brightly lit room sitting up straight (well, as straight as i ever get), everything has faded into smoke. and in fact when i’ve been high, bright lights really lessen the effect. anything “normal” and “productive” and such about my environment almost cuts the feeling in half or less. while lying down in near-complete darkness listening to music you feel like you’re walking through space, but it’s also a desert, and also a cafe in an industrial building somewhere with grotesque artwork on the walls.

when i smoked weed, it was maybe very slightly relaxing, but mostly it just made me giggle until my face hurt, and i guess it was a good time but not something i‘d enjoy doing repeatedly. edibles are different and at least VAGUELY resemble a spiritual experience - “atmospheres”, like the feeling of a warm summer night sitting on a hill, or the feeling of being in a basement corridor surrounded by quiet machine noise, are really amplified. so you get a fair amount of control over the “trip” - if you think about places from your childhood you get these hyper-nostalgic feelings, but if you think about the babadook you’re gonna have a bad time. this is exactly what happens on nutmeg, too, but your mind doesn’t race nearly as much with that (at least, mine didn’t).

music is about the only thing i’d call really enjoyable while high - a song that you kinda like will suddenly make you the star actor in a historical drama about the lives of shepherds high in the central asian steppe. mostly, though, it just feels warm - OPPRESSIVELY warm, actually, but never actually hot. i’ve always had this very minor synesthesia of associating some music with cold and some with heat. weed completely muffles out all the cold feelings, and the cold feelings are some of my favorites. the happiest i’ve probably ever been, my entire life, is still one december morning when i was all by myself, dead sober, rock climbing out in the darkness. that’s not an experience i could ever imagine having on weed.

there was i guess, something prosocial about it (especially the times i didn’t do it alone) - you do feel that humanity is connected, that people can understand each other, that every story is beautiful, that weed is the common thread of all humanity - actually, i DID think that with about 70% sincerity the last time i was high, but then i thought about it more and laughed at it. that’s kinda the cycle - coming up with one sincere, stupid thought after another and being able to laugh at all of them.

god this was an excessively long post. i’m gonna post about anime and such to bury it quickly.

#marijuana #weed

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kin2therapper · 2 months

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22 DAYS TO MAKING 12 YEARS SOBER;

I've hinted on how I started to regularly drink but I've never really written much in detail about it. Today, I'll try to write about it in as much detail as I can remember. It was in September 2004, in Nairobi for the Aga Khan Schools Olympics when I started to regularly drink. Before that, it was spontaneous and irregular- I had probably drank alcohol on 3 or 4 occasions before I started to regularly drink like at my cousin's party. One evening, after the day's games in Nairobi, I went to the supermarket and bought a quarter of gin, then drank it. Supper came and was feeling so good and confident. I remember having some good conversations with some people and I'm not sure if it was on that day, or the next when I told a lady that, whenever I was with a woman as beautiful as her, I felt as if I am the beast, and she's the beauty. Alcohol gave me the confidence to say what I had always wanted to say and got rid of all the shyness and inhibitions I had. That got me hooked. For the Olympics, we stayed at the YMCA in Nairobi, Kenya. At YMCA, I used to go to the chapel when I was bored and play the piano. Evening time, I go buy my quarter, eat supper and become very sociable. My roommate at YMCA was Joseph Mugisha. When high, I'd have fluid conversations with Joseph. Joseph was a close friend in Aga Khan and I also met him at Nkumba. Having such fluid conversations with people while under the influence was something I had never experienced. It was a new kind of release, a freedom that I was intrigued by. We connected since that day I talked to him candidly in that room at YMCA. We only spent a week at YMCA and I began drinking a quarter on Wednesday evening, Thursday evening and Friday evening. Those 3 evenings of drinking changed my life totally. When I came back to Kampala, I couldn't wait for the weekend, where I'd buy my two quarters of Safari gin for the night. Another close friend I had was Emmanuel Ware who would buy me those quarters at times at Garden City. I made many friends and lost some due to my drunkenness. It would've been in Kenya where I would've started smoking pot, because Billy, a boy from the Mombasa Aga Khan was always calling me to go join him- tho it would be later in Kampala when I would start smoking marijuana ... Read the full article

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bupbupsippycup · 4 months

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Escaping the Arena | Tales from the Outlands | An Apex Legends story

Part 1

Paradise Lounge was quiet this morning. Or rather, a facsimile of it. The Legends weren't allowed outside of the Arena facilities for half the year. Only Walter, Blódhundr, and Makai are here while Elliot serves, for old time’s sake. Though he has enjoyed every minute of bamboozling and out-witting (Or "Elliot-Witting" as he likes to say) his opponents in the Blood-Sport known as the Apex Games, he still finds that he’s missing his mother, Evelyn, more now than ever before. He’s also missed the life of a bar owner, which, after the mortal terror of fighting in the Games, now seems like meaningless busywork. He's playing the song "Cherry Thrill" by Movements through his phone speaker, and decides to ask about the mood.

“Why so glum, guys? We’ve got the day off, let’s drink and smoke our brains out!”

“I do not partake of mind-addling substances. While I believe that everyone should choose for themselves, I would rather have my wits about me always.” Blódhundr answers politely. Walter strides in with more confidence than 10 people would ever need altogether, and yells across the room to Blódhundr

“Well, what the hell’re ya doing in a bar, then?” Elliot and Makai wave to Walter, cheering his Legend name.

“Fu-u-use!!”

“Evenin’ fellas! How the hell are we??”

“Uh, not too great, I guess,” Elliot replies. Walter rests his metal arm in his usual spot on top of the bar, where by now, there is a large dent the size of an apple, and notices that the Lounge is quite dull at the moment.

“Ah, no kiddin’? What’s this sorry-lookin’ lot?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with them. I suggested alcohol and pot, and I’ve never needed anything else…” Says Elliot, watching them curiously, as one does if watching a baby Leviathan who decides to speak English. Makai looks up from his drink, towards Elliot.

“I don’t wanna offend you, Elliot, but what works for you doesn’t work for everyone else.” Makai turns to Walter.

“I think we’re just tired of wondering if we’ll come home after every match.” Elliot seems to agree. “Yeah, I gotta admit, I’m not feeling great about heading up to the Dropship tomorrow.”

“Oh, come on! I know we’re going out there to fight and likely die soon, but this is the life! We've got more money and fame than anyone else in the Frontier! We all signed up for it, no use mopin’ about now!” Walter says, incredulous. Blódhundr looks to Walter.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Walter hears this, and his expression sobers up. He looks to Makai and Elliot.

“Gimme some privacy here, fellas?” They nod and leave for their bunks. Walter sits with Blódhundr and tries to reassure them.

“Now, don’t go worryin’ yourself about me, ya hear?”

“I cannot deny my fears. You must understand that.”

“‘Course I understand, but I’ve been at this for years. You can’t imagine that there’s something I won’t handle?”

“But I do. I care for you, my Walter. Please do not leave me. We must find another way out of this life. I have had my fill, surely you have as well!”

Walter sits in silence for the longest time… a most unusual occurrence. When he finally answers, Blódhundr can tell that he’s being completely truthful.

“I’m sorry... I didn’t know you felt like that.” He is quiet again for a moment. “If that’s what you want, I’m set on it as well…” Walter perks up, suddenly inspired. “I’d bet the best time to bust outta here is during the match.”

“Are you certain?”

“I am. Figure you can scan for a path with the fewest hostiles, we could nab a nice Trident hovercraft, I could outfit it with a heat shield for the radiation, and blow up the outer walls before anyone realizes we’re gone.”

“Then I will support you. Let us try.”

“Absolutely. Tomorrow, we’re free from the Arena... y'know, you’re quite lucky to have someone as great as I am here…” Blódhundr laughs softly — another unusual occurrence.

“I love you, Walter.”

Blódhundr carefully removes their helmet. Something they haven’t done in many years. Walter is honored to witness such an event, and is taken aback by their gentle beauty. Their face is quite pale, rarely having seen the sun in any world, yet Walter sees a great passion in them. Blódhundr’s white-blue eyes meet Walter’s remaining brown, and they hold each-other close, listening to the song still playing from the phone that Elliot was kind enough to leave on the bar, desperately wanting to stay that way for all eternity. May all others take their best shot, though it's very likely that no-one in this good universe could tear them apart.

Ooh, am I the only one?

I think it might be fun

Drop everything and run

Ooh, you look so fit to kill

World explodes and I’m with you still

Hypnotized in your cherry thrill

#amreading #wattpad #books #ApexLegends #Titanfall #Fanfiction #fanfic #scifi #romance

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kdipshit · 1 year

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Co-dependancy ;

April 4

I have the faith that what’s best for me will ultimately manifest. I can be honest and say I’m codependent in relationships, I usually focus so much on the person I’m with and the life we have together rather than myself and my own life with ME lol. I feel bad and uncomfortable and almost like I cheat on myself when I drink, which is driving me to stay sober. I received ‘The big book’ in the mail today free, provided by a lovely AA Group over in the state I attended via zoom, so I’ve been extremely grateful in my moments of reading. My relationship with sobriety is at peaceful and positive as I can possibly make it, sometimes I’m worried if I’m hiding everything with a positive attitude or if I’m truely positive about my experience, I really don’t know what I’m saying or how anything is coming out because I feel so…. Idk, like I’m facing the wrong way. I kept super busy today, because I feel guilt. I did my morning routine with guilt in the back on my head, I’m writing this now with guilt plastered all over it. Am I an enabler? Because I enabled myself to get drunk… how long do I feel guilt for. Guilt stems for the abandoned emotion on the emotion wheel I’m looking at, and if this is a sign to get into my abandonment issues well I guess its time to roll up the sleeves, I feel sad and a little defeated. Must I acknowledge in order to go forward? What needs to be done here?

My fear of abandonment seems to take over my body and pierce into my soul, over the years it has stopped me from getting close to someone all together, and distance myself from those inevitably close to me. I feel ashamed when I over share, in fear of someone I love leaving, I hold and hide things in, because thats what seems to push people away the most. I’m like a child hiding things away from their parent. Idk why that analogy came but fuck it, when my parents would drink, they would get into some nasty fights, and when I was a child I remember my mum kicking my dad out on multiple occasions and me and my brother crying, holding and begging for him to stay. He stayed most times, other times he wasn’t far, and would always come back. My dad never truely left, but he wasn’t always there. When I felt the shift of my parents with me, when I was 13-14, I felt abandoned, and angry. I felt like no one knew me because they didn’t want to, I felt like there was something wrong with me, I felt extremely alone… in a house full of family. I wondered what was wrong with me for so many years, because I couldn’t understand or comprehend it, there was nothing wrong with me. Maybe there was lol, I don’t know, I know that I felt normal until my parents stopped talking to me.

I don’t feel good or confident in my writings right now, but ill keep writing. My parents are judges, like not real ones, like the kind of people who judge others a lot, ridicule them for their mistakes. I was judged so hard I let them win and started judging myself the way they did me… my dad decided to throw in a little ‘the gym is not a fashion show just so you know’ after I expressed wanting to go to the gym with him, and the rest of my family lol. I said ‘I don’t go to the gym like it’s a fashion show why would you say that’ and then he said ‘I just know what girls are like’ ????? I said well don’t you know me? And he told me to shut up and he walked away, lol. My parents always shut down the conversation by telling us to either shut up, for fuck off. I’ve always wanted the conversation, the hard ones, the meaningful ones, the ones where we learn and where we dig, something not so surface lev. Is it just me? Who needs to know wtf is going on in order to understand it? I haven’t had a fucking conversation in decades

If my issue with substance abuse is that once I have 1 taste I need to have another, what I’m saying is I take it too far, every time with every substance, I just gotta get high. I have to feel the feeling, and once I feel It, I just wanna feel it more, thats my issue. And I forgot what I was gonna say about that because I was interrupted while writing lol. I would never ever want my parents to see the potentially mean light I see them under, but its the truth, but I would never want to hurt their feelings, yet they hurt mine so many times. I was a good kid, I was happy I was joyful I was playful I was loud I was TALKATIVE I as a good well mannered fkn kid. And then I was abandoned. I’m a different kinda fucked up mannnnn, I was LEFT, while under the same roof, I was done to them. Because they didn’t couldn’t let down what ever bullshit wall they had up, I was determined to know my parents, but they weren’t all that keen on me. I guess thats how I feel in every relationship I’m in, scared they’re gonna drop me, ill have no one, but ill be forced to be respectful when I was continuously disrespected, negated and left behind. And yanno, I wasn’t exactly friends with my siblings because I never came out of my room…. It was an unsafe place for me to be, outside my room. I was friends with my brother outside of my room bc we used to go to school together, we always went late coz mum & dad were already at work, I used to write our late notes, anyways idk, its just all making me now realise how grateful and happy I am with life at the moment, Im really starting to see a future for myself, which is crazy, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I’m such a positive attitude bitch!!!!!! Honestly I can turn any thought into a positive one, and I unconsciously prove this to myself everyday, all my thoughts are positive, lol. Thoughts are just thoughts, but when they become overwhelming, at least make expositive, you have the power, its just forgetfulness that betrays us.

Im a cuddly and super a friendly person I like to give and show love when I love someone, it can be a bit intense sometimes lol, I don’t show this kind of love often, only to a very special few. I have a maternal kind of love, I just want to take care of you. Blah blah blah, I don’t think I can feel that kind of love again, I don’t know why, well, idk why I say shit like that because maybe I do know and maybe saying idk is a response you give when you don’t want to dig deeper, its like your personal ‘shut up’ you hear from your parents in your ear hahahahahaha. Idk Mann, I’m pretty blazed, so I feel good, its hot though, its also 8pm so my meds have kicked in and I’m teeeee ruuuurrddd.. BOUND2

I am the space between everything i can see. I am space. I could never really figure out what was wrong with me but I remember everyone being so pissed at me for doing some of my own business type shit, like I was extremely hyper active Sexually I was drunk like every day lol, so was everyone else in my house tho???? So what the fuck is wrong with ME. I’m doing the same shit y’all fkn do y’all mad. Okay that sounded a lot like old K, and I’m trying to be better.

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words

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christmic · 1 year

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Starts with: Gregorian Chants

When the prompts trickle in too slow for the rain to stop

Ends with:

Nurture a Covenant with God

When the prompts trickle in too slow for the rain to stop. The rain has been on again, off again. So I’m only allowing myself evenings for this whole exercise but did a morning one and now that night came need to go again real quick before more sight reading. Feels like I’m in trade school, the pressure is high to learn a bunch of piano books so that the students never catch up to me. And some of them could soon. Sight reading is so different from every other piano skill, it’s like I’ve spent weeks and am still not confident and a beginner. I can do it in my head but my fingers don’t cooperate. And then my fingers can do it easily but my eyes see blurred smudges on lines. Shoulda coulda woulda learned earlier. Shoulda could woulda never stared at the Sun. So today got a call from boss, thinking I was in trouble. No, you just have to learn We Are the Champions on guitar for band tonight. What a life! What a job! I love it.

So PDP and I are headed to an island for three days to camp. So I’m posting here for the lurkers as the only way to know I went missing. It’s cool the boat comes about every three days weather permitting so hopefully we get stuck out there for 40 days and 40 nights! My night vision binoculars record video and make everything look like a UFO. I have walkie talkies, a bible, a hammock, a recorder, and a guitar. I’m not sure if PDP will be able to make it sober, the vibe is he’s in the same boat but without the knock and is struggling with substances. His current life trajectory is his wife will leave him as soon as the kids are old enough and he’ll trade happiness for binging with the vets at Legion playing darts with Michelle. But destiny is not written in stone, the man can rise above and change his life plan. He shouts about how he’s all about truth but the hair trigger anger in his heart prevents the truth to be uttered by those closest to him. Yes there are extremely nefarious forces winning battle after battle in the world. Yes the dominant population is completely oblivious and on a local level participating in turning the world into a more evil place. But my favorite Bill Cooper quote again, and why he’s the top cheese in my burrito is “If you want to know what’s wrong with your country all you have to do is take one long hard look in the mirror”.

I like to do little checkins with The Lord throughout the day for figuring out what to do next. And the Lord is saying open the fields, what a friendship is could be more. You know my door is always open. You stubborn cat. Jesus. At this rate though the thought of a 10 year younger woman that puts the Lord first seems to be a trend out here. Though that doesn’t qualify as a carrot on the stick for the harder parts of my routine. Like this rabid 6 year old I have to teach for a whole hour but he’s Keith Moon + Jon Bonham + Jim Morrison on a bender trapped in a 6 year old’s body. Today I had to ask him who the teacher was because he was trying to tell me what to play. We have to jump to drums to piano to guitar to producing beats depending on the moment. Aha. It’s fun though it’s just hard to teach a 6 year old anything and the parents are the coolest they just like him getting exposed to stuff and are putting zero pressure on him.

Let’s not ban talking about ChatGPT but word in the sauna from my fav lifeguard Dioni is that the optimal swim is about 800-1000 yards, which is my SWEET spot thank God. Cause I’ve only been doing 500 like a bitch. but I was thinking I’m supposed to get up to 4 or 5k a day like when I was on the swim team. Just got to get 300 more in then focus on form and getting faster. Soul Fusion’s full of the most dedicated or frustrated moms who could kick my ass and over my head at the same time. Full volume club tunes and is hard AF. My sister’s has become the cool house where all the cool mom’s go. I tell them often I can’t wait to be a stay at home mom like them. You’ll think you’re having a heart attack at times. In Soul Fusion, that is. Fun stuff! S is preggers with her second and has blueberry bushes that haven’t needed water from the rain and are huge already. I’m going to steal her method once my greenhouse is built. I remember in the bible about if a tree yields no fruit, then cut it down. When was the last time she yielded fruit? Let me check in with the Lord. ‘Tone it down christMic’ okay. Recently when I nutted in her and refused to get plan b because she’s vaxxed and therefore infertile. Demon’s will do anything to feel right, and I’m genuinely sorry. What's recent is sometimes a long, long time ago.

Also I invented a new genre of music, instead of Bluegrass its called Greengrass and it sounds really awesome. It’s like Bluegrass instruments but all the songs are happy and uplifting, but not in an ignorant youthful way. Like Chad’s old lyrics from high school Bonjo and I would be in tears laughing singing them. They were so naive and innocent; stuff like ‘you and me we’re gonna make three and be happy’… You’d love to hear Greengrass sometime. I would too.

I shouldn’t talk about the bible without giving actual scripture because I have yet to read the entire thing.

Also why is Hotel California so popular? Because you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave. Why is Stairway to heaven so popular? Because there’s a lady whose sure, all that glitters is gold. Please make these prompts one day.

I met Lightening Joe’s wife today and after getting picks and a tuner she took me upstairs to show me the studios and a dope graffiti bathroom her husband made. A living legend. But there was a social pho pa because I asked if I could take a picture of the 10 rock commandments painted on the wall and she said sure, her dad was really religious and wanted to take a picture of them too. I told her I’m really religious too and well was led back out on the pavement before I could say Love Everyone. I wish I told her I knew where she’s coming from about her silent obscure scars from religious family/people. I wish I told her I don’t like the word in the first place. But anyways that’s what happens, it’s funny how religious people have a worse rap than hobos in many nice parts of the country. And I understand how they feel. Now I’m scheduled to play keys for 1 rehearsal before the Easter service - probably on that $4k Nord I’d never be able to afford. That’s like 4 Siennas. It’s one of those churches where everything is top of the line, like the drum set has it’s own plastic room and everyone has fenders and ear peaces for levels and stuff. Fancy fancy, and I’m so blessed to be a part of it. The music is easy and you cannot deny how the holy spirit fills the room when we sing. The only number I feel a little hesitant about - and sad it’s one of their flagship songs and it goes something like “What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus” and the way it’s repeated and sounds it sounds like the whole group is saying they enjoy drinking Jesus’s blood in order to feel whole in like a kinda a dark and satanic way. But I’m sure there’s no one at church I can tell this too. Maybe the tongues dino’d understand, she’s seen some shit. Also the organizer wants me to download a scheduler app and I don’t have the heart to tell the fifth fellow Christian this month that I don’t use iOS or Android. It’s lonely at the top. JK Jesus is here in my heart and I’m all bottom of the creek with the salamanders anyways.

But I’m on island time soon in order to really focus on Nurturing a Covenant with God.

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