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eroticwound · 9 months

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The Parentification of the Berzatto Siblings:

Parentification Primer

Okk i took… so many Fishes notes on my rewatch, and I wanna talk about the Berzatto siblings and how Donna affects all of them. I’ve seen folks discuss Carmy having traits of an adult child of an alcoholic parent or web-weavings that include passages from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, but I want to talk about the Berzatto siblings through the perspective of Parentification.

For those who don’t know, Parentification is a form of abuse in which the normal boundaries between a parent and child are blurred, and their roles are reversed. the child takes on the responsibilities of the parent, due to the parent’s dysfunction, sickness, poverty, etc.

There are two types of parentification: Instrumental and Emotional.

Instrumental Parentification occurs when a child takes on tasks and responsibilities beyond their age, such as caring for younger siblings, dealing with finances, and overall supporting their family in concrete ways. Instrumental Parentification is not kids having household chores, it’s kids needing to coordinate lunches and pickups for siblings while also worrying about dinner for the family and the power bill that’s due.

Emotional Parentification, sometimes called Emotional Incest, involves the parent treating their child as a friend or spouse. The parent will confide in the child and lean on them for their emotional support, because support is missing from the adult’s life. This role reversal makes the child responsible for the parent’s emotional wellbeing. The child is expected to soothe their parent, or to listen to their parent vent, or have the child mediate between the parent and others. The adult treats the child like an extension of themselves, and is unable to support the child’s emotional well-being.

Both forms negatively effect children, but the latter, Emotional Parentification, is considered more severe, since it disrupts a child’s emotional development by putting the adult’s emotions over their own.

Parentification can result in a child not developing a clear sense of their own needs and feelings. As an adult, they may find it hard to trust others, manage their own emotions, and form healthy intimate relationships. They face a greater risk of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and eating disorders.

So now that I’ve provided a little primer, I want to dive into the Parentification of the Berzatto siblings, who are parentified both instrumentally and emotionally. This’ll be a series since there’s a lot to cover. I’ll be discussing all three siblings as well as Richie, the honorary 4th Berzatto sibling.

Mikey Gen / Mikey's Mental State / (I will update this with links to additional posts as I post them)

#michael berzatto #mikey berzatto #donna berzatto #carmen berzatto #carmy berzatto #natalie berzatto #sugar berzatto #the bear #the bear fx #the bear meta #bear meta #meta #parentification #richie jerimovich

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pieroulette · 4 months

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dictionary of suits.

↫ full content guide

just a little reminder, in no way do i glorify anything listed under all this. i just explore, incorporate, and experiment them into my works to convey the stories i want to tell. // list are subjected to future updates as needed.

♡ hearts ; emotional/psychological descriptive imagery/depiction of emotions; distress; betrayal, obsession/possessive, cheating ; heavy loss/grief, broken/dysfunctional family.

♢ diamonds ; mental descriptive imagery/depiction of mental health issues/disorders, insanity, (depression, dissociative identity disorder, psychopathic, sociopath, narcissistic, etc), manipulative tendencies, mind-breaking, traumatic event. mental abuse/torture

♤ spades ; physical physical usage of physical actions : descriptive imagery/depiction of violence in general, kidnapping, suicide/murder/ (self immolation, rope, etc.) ; drowning, usage of varieties of objects/weapons including knives, syringes, nails, gouging eyeballs- smut/sexual content; consensual/non-consensual/sa (descriptive or not; includes adults,, minors/children; the latter two is under my ocs only) cannibalism, abuse/cruelty/torture (human × animal, pet) self harming/harming others, heavy blood/gore, corpses/carcasses,

♢ clubs ; natural events/course descriptive imagery/depiction of natural disasters ; earthquake; hurricane ; tsunami ; fire breakout ; pregnancy, childbirth, miscarriage/abortion,

there are general warnings i may tag on the episodes if i do not see it as a potential spoiler, including but not limited to; mentions of (perception whether it be positive/negative; mockery, etc) religion, politics ; racism, homophobia/transphobia, hate speech, shaming of any sort (sizeism, fat shaming); profanity, swearing/foul language ; bodily waste ; drug use, alcohol use, smoking ; eating disorders.

ᝰ.ᐟ signed on 12 jan 2024!

#🎴 ; ateliertale

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missmcspooks · 9 months

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TWISTED COUPLES: David and Catherine Birnie

David John Birnie, and Catherine Margaret Birnie were an Australian couple who lived in Perth, Western Australia. Together, they sexually assaulted and murdered four women, and attempted to murder a fifth. The media dubbed this case as the “Moorhouse Murders,” as their home resided on Moorhouse Street, in Willagee. I was inspired to write this article due to the movie based on this story, “Hounds of Love” (2016).

WHO WERE DAVID AND CATHERINE BIRNIE?

David Birnie, born on February 16th, 1951, grew up in a dysfunctional household and was the oldest of 5 siblings. Some of the household troubles he and his siblings endured were allegedly alcoholism, promiscuity, and incest. The family never ate meals together, and the parents never cooked meals for their children. At the young age of 15, Birnie dropped out of school to become an apprentice jockey for Eric Parnham at the Ascot Racecourse. While he worked there, he had physically abused the horses and experimented with exhibition. During one evening, Birnie put a pair of stockings over his head and broke into an elderly woman’s home in an attempt to rape her. He had been in and out of prison for misdemeanors and felonies by the time he was an adolescent. When he was an adult he became a pornography and sex addict, and was also a paraphiliac (the experience of intense sexual arousal to atypical objects, situations, fantasies, behaviors, or individuals. It had also been defined as sexual interest in anything other than a consenting human partner). In his early 20’s he married his first wife, Kerrie, in 1972, and divorced in 1982. Together they had a daughter named Tanya, who never married and never had children, as she didn’t want to “spawn another David Birnie.” She had also changed her surname after his conviction.

Catherine Birnie, born on May 23rd, 1951, was only two years old when her mother died as she gave birth to her brother, who also died just two days later. Her father was unable to raise her alone, and sent her to live with her paternal grandparents. When she was 10, there was a custody battle, and her father regained full custody of her. She met David when they were only 12 years old, and began a relationship together two years later. However, her father didn’t like him and he begged her to stop seeing him, considering the fact that their involvement together caused her to get into trouble with the police. However, his disapproval of their relationship only ended up strengthening it. Her time in prison throughout her adolescent years offered Catherine a chance to break away from David. Encouraged by a parole officer, Catherine began working for the McLaughlin family as a housekeeper. She married Donald McLaughlin on her 21st birthday. The couple had seven children together, and her first born, who was a son, was killed by a car during infancy. In 1985, she left her husband and all six children to live with David, and even though they were never legally married, she changed her surname to his, Birnie.

The abductions and murders happened nearly instantly after they moved in together. Within five weeks, they abducted five women, all aged between 15 and 31. All victims were sexually assaulted and murdered, with the exception of their last victim, who managed to escape the day after she was captured. Her escape ended their killing spree.

THE VICTIMS

Mary Neilson (22): She was a psychology major at the University of Western Australia and worked part time at a deli. She met David when she went to the spare parts yard, where he worked, looking for tires for her car. He offered to sell her really cheap tires and gave her his phone number. When she arrived at his home on October 6th, 1986, she was gagged, chained to the bed, and sexually assaulted while Catherine watched. She was then taken to Gleneagle, in Bedfordale, where she was assaulted again, and then strangled to death with a nylon cord. He then proceeded to stab her thinking that it would speed up the decomposition process, as he “read that in a book somewhere.” He then buried her in a shallow grave. Mary would’ve received her degree in psychology one year after her murder.

Susannah Candy (15): She was abducted two weeks after the murder of Mary, as she was hitchhiking along Stirling Highway in Claremont. She was a brilliant young girl who was doing an amazing job at school, and lived with her two loving parents and siblings. The couple was driving along for several hours looking for their next victim when they saw her looking for a ride. As soon as she entered the car, she was held there by knifepoint while they tied her hands behind her back. Once they got back to the house, just like Mary, she was gagged, chained to the bed, and sexually assaulted. They also had her write a letter to her family to assure them that she was safe, as her father was a well known surgeon, but they still feared for her life.

After David had finished assaulting Susannah, Catherine got into bed with them, as she knew this type of thing turned him on. Together, they assaulted her one last time, and David proceeded to try and strangle her with a nylon cord, but she became hysterical. They forced sleeping pills down her throat to calm her down, and once she was asleep, he put the cord around her neck and told Catherine to strangle her. He wanted her to prove her undying love for him by murdering her. Catherine went through with the demand and killed her while he watched. When Catherine was later asked why she did it, she told them:

“Because I wanted to see how strong I was within my inner self. I didn’t feel a thing. It was like I expected. I was prepared to follow him to the end of the earth and do anything to see that his desires were satisfied. She was a female. Females hurt and destroy males.”

They buried her near the grave where Mary was, located in the State Forest.

Noelene Patterson (31): They spotted her standing by her car on the Canning Highway, as she had run out of gas. They offered to give her a ride, and once she was inside the car, she was held at knifepoint, tied up, and told not to move. When they returned to their home, just as the women before her, she was gagged, chained to the bed, and repeatedly assaulted. The original plan was to murder her that same night, but David decided to keep her inside as a prisoner for three days. Catherine began to feel jealous and threatened, as she noticed him showing signs of an emotional attachment to her. That’s when she decided to slam David with an ultimatum: She would have to kill Noelene, or she would kill herself, and went to grab a knife and put it to her throat to show him that she wasn’t kidding. David then forced sleeping pills down her throat and strangled her to death in her sleep. They buried her body in the same forest, but further away from the other victims. It was said that Catherine got a lot of pleasure from throwing sand on Noelene’s face.

In the image above, Noelene is on the left, and Denise is on the right.

Denise Brown (21): They spotted her waiting for a bus on Stirling Highway, and offered her a ride, which she accepted. Again, she was held at knifepoint, tied up, and brought back to the house where she was gagged, chained to the bed, and assaulted repeatedly. The following day she was taken to the Wanneroo pine plantation. While they were hidden in the forest, David assaulted her again in the car as they waited for the night to come. Once darkness hit, he dragged her out of the car and assaulted her again, and then stabbed her in the neck. They thought that she was dead and began digging a shallow grave and tossed her body inside. However, she was surprisingly still alive and sat up, and David grabbed an ax and struck her with it twice in the head.

Kate Moir (17) The Final Victim: She was abducted at knifepoint after accepting a ride from them. On the ride back to the home, she asked them if they had planned to rape or kill her. Catherine replied with, “we’ll only rape you if you’re good.” However, she was treated differently than the former victims. She wasn’t immediately gagged and chained to the bed, and Instead, they forced her to dance for them, and slept in the couples bed with them, while being handcuffed to David. After she was abducted, they forced her to call her mother and told her that she was okay, and just had too much to drink and was staying at her friend’s house. Kate was very smart and used her words wisely, as her mother knew that she was not much of a drinker.

The next day, David went to work and Catherine went to the door to carry out a drug deal, and forgot to chain her up to the bed. Kate knew that it was probably her only chance she’d get to escape, and climbed through a closed window by breaking its lock, and hit her head on the concrete. She tried knocking on several neighbors' doors, but no one answered, so she decided to jump a gate and was attacked by David’s dog. She thankfully was able to escape the dog and ran into a nearby vacuum cleaner store. She told them that she had been abducted and raped and the police were called. For some strange reason, the police were skeptical to believe her story, besides one female officer who believed her due to the amount of detail and information she provided, including their phone number and address. She told the police that the Birnies had given themselves fake names, but she read David’s name on a medicine bottle. She also told them that they watched the movie “Rocky” on VHS, and described a drawing she had concealed in their house as proof that she had been there. They found her drawing, as well as the VHS tape in the VCR.

David and Catherine were arrested and gave conflicting stories during their interviews. Catherine claimed that she had never seen Kate before, while David said that Kate had come over to their house on her own free will to engage in consensual sex with them. David eventually was convinced to confess and tell them who the other victims were, and where the bodies were located.

There could be other possible victims that the Birnies were responsible for. Cheryl Renwick vanished in May 1986, and Barbara Western in June 1986.

TRIAL, SENTENCING, AND IMPRISONMENT

When the trial began, David Birnie pleaded guilty to four counts of murder and one count each of abduction and rape. When asked why he had pleaded guilty, he gestured toward the victims' families and said, "It's the least I could do." He was sentenced to four terms of life in prison. After being found sane enough to stand trial, Catherine Birnie was also sentenced to four terms of life in prison. Under law at the time, both were required to serve 20 years before being eligible for parole.

David Birnie was found dead in his cell on October 7th, 2005. He was 54 years old. An inquest found that he had hanged himself from an air vent using a length of cord. Various factors led to his suicide, those being a failure to provide him with his anti-depressants, his computer had been confiscated and he was suspected of sexually assaulting another prisoner. He was described by a former prison officer as a 'model prisoner' who looked after injured animals. Catherine was not allowed to be present at his funeral.

Catherine Birnie is imprisoned in Bandyup Women’s Prison. Since being incarcerated she has worked as a prison librarian and appeared in a prison production called Nunsense. Her parole application was rejected in 2007, and it’s stated that she will most likely never be free again. In 2017, Catherine Birnie's youngest son, under the alias Peter, called for her execution. He has stated that his relation to Birnie has resulted in him being assaulted on multiple occasions.

#true crime #true story #truecrime #Crime #true crime blog #true crime community #writing #writers on tumblr #Writerscommunity #blog #blogging #blogger #blog post #blogpost #death #murder #horrorcommunity

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labelleizzy · 7 months

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Q: If you have recurring nightmares about previous abuse, how can you use those nightmares to your advantage and finally heal your emotional wounds?

A: I write. Looks like you might do too.

I take the stories from the dreams and I write other stories with those images. I sometimes rewrite the endings to be happier, or just practice imagining other paths, other stories. I picked apart the stories that gave me nightmares, a little bit at a time, till I could finally unpick the heart of the nightmare.

It takes a long time. It's a lot like finding a skin of yarn a couple of toddlers were playing with and then tidying it up again. Slow going, and a lot of work, lots of confusion, knots, and tangles.

Sometimes you can get help, sometimes you work on it all by yourself.

Accept love and help and caring from others. Don't spend much time with folks who get in the way of the unsnarling process. Don't put up with bullshit or abuse. Develop healthy personal boundaries. Feed your mind and heart in the ways you need fed, avoid media that makes you feel worse.

Therapy and movement (yoga, dance, and weights) have been Excellent for me. I tend to get stuck in my head and do better when I can spend more time embodied. Pet animals, hug friends and family (and play with kids if you're lucky to have some in your life).

Embrace joy and beauty and love. Enact small kindnesses where you have the opportunity to. Focus on good things about the world and your life, and ways that you can help others or make the world a better place.

Lastly, remember that you're not alone in having this kind of rough journey. There are doctors and therapists, support groups spiritual and secular. I started out with the local Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families chapter. My sister found Al-Anon to be useful. I also volunteered for a crisis line a few times, and for the YWCA which provides all kinds of services and help for domestic and sexual abuse and trafficking survivors. There's so many people who know about resources we DON'T, and they want to help.

All the love,

Your been there done that internet auntie

#izzy writes #quora answers #nightmares #writers on tumblr #writing #my writing #mental health #quora #i wrote like 300 of these #lmk what tags i should add #your internet auntie #lizzie gives advice #healing from abuse

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i-love-an-alcoholic · 2 months

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Story of S

I haven't been able to get S to talk about his life or think about drinking in a deeper level. The only times I've gotten something out of him on those subjects he's been drunk, which isn't very helpful or productive. The following is based on my own observations, conversations I've had with S' siblings and those handful of times when S has been in a mood to talk about it.

S is the oldest of five children. His family was dysfunctional, and he would often escape in his room to play guitar whenever his parents were fighting. He has always been shy, and was bullied in school at times. When he became an adult and graduated from trade school he had several jobs, but was unemployed for various lengths of time in between, during which he drank heavily. When I asked him about his friends, he said he never had any, just drinking buddies. He didn't know how to approach women and never had a serious relationship with anyone, just random hookups. I'm actually his first girlfriend.

His daily life was limited to work, sleep and whatever. He was bored and lonely, but there was a convenient dive bar close to his tiny apartment, that he affectionately called his pit stop, (the apartment, not the bar) full of alcohol and other day drunks. S has always been a hard worker and took pride being able to provide for himself, but spent all his money on alcohol and alcohol-associated expenses.

S has said he doesn't remember when his drinking became a daily thing, but his family was hit by a tragedy in mid-2010s when one of S' younger brothers died. His whole family was devastated, and I believe S began to drink daily around that time.

Oddly enough, S has never denied being an alcoholic. When we first met it was obvious, and he even said it out loud. However, he was (and still is) in denial about the negative things alcohol has caused to him: health issues, stunted personal growth, and a somewhat strained relationship with his family (to name a few).

When we began talking about moving in together I made it clear that I expected him to cut down his drinking, which he promised to do (I know I know…). A couple of days before the moving day S had a major setback in his life which sent him spiraling, and he ended up in ER. I managed to talk him into going to detox, and he spent some time in a psych ward. While in there he was given medicine for withdrawal symptoms, painful vitamin B -injections in his skinny butt, and had plenty of time to think about his life choices.

S has been able to cut down his drinking significantly, but the battle isn't over yet. He has said it took about 6 months for him to adjust to lesser amounts of alcohol, and he still has a problem with cravings. I remember well how depressed he was during those times. Alcoholism is one hell of a beast, but I know from experience that it isn't unbeatable. There is hope for him.

#i love an alcoholic #addiction recovery #recovery #tw alcoholism

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fishyyyyy99 · 8 months

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So, I'm not sure how this works. But I was wondering if someone could give me constructive feedback on something I wrote (please be kind, though). I want to turn something I wrote into a short story, but it's not exactly in story format right now. And the parts feel disconnected. Here it is:

I can hear the creaking of the old wooden chair, before I see her. My maternal grandmother. My Ammamma. She is wearing a really pretty saree. I can hear the laughter all around us. Wait, is that a birthday cake? And then it hits me - it's her pre-death party. She wanted a celebration of her life before her impending death. I'm not ready for this though. I'm NOT. I'm REALLY NOT. I wake up, sweating.

A bird chirps. My Ammamma says it is calling out just to me. That is what she says every morning. The bird is supposedly my personal alarm clock.

My mother tells me I never stopping calling out for my Ammamma as we left for England.

Another dream. No, another nightmare. My grandmother wants me dead. She tried to kill me. There was never any love.

I wake up at home. Comfort. My maternal grandparents' place. My Ammamma offers to make me apple milkshake because I am refusing to eat as protest against my body for inflicting periods on me. Periods are an annoying waste of time. So I'm going to fight back against nature by taking back my time from another natural process - eating.

My grandfather tells me of how my Ammamma fought hard to learn how to drive a car - something that women of her generation were discouraged from doing. My Ammamma and I watch Tamil soaps together, and she tells me how she relates to a particular female protagonist - a homemaker who is taken for granted by her patriarchal husband.

My grandmother spoils me. People say she's the reason I don't know how to be an adult. To be honest, I don't see any difference between how much she spoils me, and how much she spoils my grandfather. My grandmother also has a tough time letting go of my mother. She needs to make sure my mother is taking perfect care of herself. But sometimes, you have to let your children mess up. You have to give up control. I don't want children. My grandmother disapproves. But I think they're too much responsibility, and I'm too lazy to put in the effort. Look at how much I depend on my mother and grandmother even now.

I'm in a dream again. Why is there a piglet in front of me? It looks like the one from Charlotte's Web. I am suddenly filled with so much love and attachment for it. My grandmother tells me I'm being wasteful by not letting them kill it for meat. I have to prove her wrong, so I tell them to kill it if they want to. They scoop out flesh from its sides leaving it barely alive, dripping blood everywhere. I try hard not to cry.

My Ammamma does not eat pork in real life. She tells my mother not to eat it either. My father thinks she controls my mother too much, and that she is the cause of all of their issues. He thinks my grandmother's love for me is conditional. He thinks she is manipulative. My father also hits my mother. Only sometimes though. Only when he feels insulted. He's not a raging alcoholic. How dare I call our family dysfunctional?

#writeblr #writers #writing #writers on tumblr #creative writing #writerscommunity #writing tips #grandmothers #maternal grandmothers

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moonlit-positivity · 4 months

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This blog is a love letter to myself. To my child self too scared to even move or make a noise in that house out of fear that my drunk ass mother would notice my existence and either beat the living fuck out of me for it or yell at me for being alive and then her bitch ass girlfriend would tell me to "clean my face" when I started crying about it. To honor the torture I endured as a child of having my hands bound to the headboard every night I went to sleep because my mother was obsessed with my body and my genitals. To honor the pain of enduring a long line of pedophilia, incest, child sexual assault, misogyny, alcoholism, abuse, and violence that my mother endured and passed down to me. To myself in college when I crumbled with crippling paralyzing fear and paranoia because I knew I wasn't entirely free just yet so I froze up and then my mother once again beat the living fuck out of me for gaining weight and taking up space. To the family that took me in and inevitably kicked me out when my mother ruined their life just to get to me. To me finally escaping on my 20th birthday only to hop from one dysfunctional family system to another and spend the next 10+ years of my life dealing with the aftermath of what I just witnessed. To my lost young adulthood falling in love with my best friend but also struggling to keep a job and inevitably isolating myself because the pain and stress of keeping numb started to get too loud when the repressed memories started to surface. To my mind 20's losing myself in a stream of maladaptive daydreaming and extreme dissociation, denial, escapism, self harm, and eating disorders. To July 27th, 2019 when I spoke to my mother for the last time before deciding to get serious about my life and my mental health and fortifying myself in a wealth of knowledge about boundaries, consent, communication, sexual health, and personality disorders. To my current self working on my emotional health healing and recovering from these things that I have literally never been able to say out loud until now. To honor my own pain of witnessing other people actually having healthy families and healthy bonds with their parents and healthy relationships with friends and the jealousy and resentment I felt at how the world could be so fucking cruel to not only tell me I was alone in this bullshit but also rub it in my face how painstakingly horrifying it is to come face to face with my worst fears of having to be dragged back to that abusive bullshit I saw as a child. To have my own father constantly gaslight me and downplay his involvement in abandoning me to suffer in that fucking house. To witness society continually blame children and invalidate adult survivors who come forth and talk about the shit they went through as a child. To combat the stigma around addiction, homelessness, self harm, suicide awareness, mental health, and all this other bullshit that is the actual relevant shit we as humans need to be focusing on. And to my future self. To my relationship with my inner children, teens, adults, and beyond. To honoring my system. To honoring my future hobbies and interests and dreams. To my future relationships that I hope to build on a better solid foundation of mutual respect and trust and open communication and the ability to hold space for each other's pain, to understand what we want and need from each other and to know ourselves enough to know what we want and need in the first place. To my future goals, plans, friends, family, to my future grievances, losses, pains, and failures. This blog is dedicated to me in the most loving way I could possibly present myself.

Thanks for listening.

#about me #about this blog #i may post things in the tags for all to see and share #but at the end of the day these words are for me #these are things ive needed to say most my life #and things ive needed to hear said to me #and thoughts and ideologies ive wanted to be a part of my identity construct #this blog is entirely personal #the language I use is my own #the way i say it is my own #the way i engage with discourse or criticism or conversations that arise is my own voice #you are welcome to sit and listen #enjoy a warm hot cocoa and some smores while youre at it #grab a teddy bear and a blanket #thanks for listening

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deadendtracks · 2 years

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this might come off as an odd question, but one thing that continually blows me away about your writing is how simultaneously understated but present and central trauma responses and actions are, and it's incredibly clear how well researched you are in this area. are there any pieces/books you'd recommend for someone to read regarding this?

oh, thank you! I've done a lot of reading over many many years so I am probably forgetting a lot of sources, but the book I come back to the most is Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman.

Other books that have influenced me:

The Body in Pain by Elaine Scarry

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Betrayal Trauma: the logic of forgetting childhood abuse by Jennifer Freyd

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine

The Haunted Self: structural dissociation and the treatment of chronic traumatization by Onno van der Hart et al

Lost childhoods: the plight of the parentified child by Gregory J. Jurkovic

Various books about adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. Some websites about moral injury and shell shock (usually in the context of combat).

These books have informed me, but I don't really refer to them much anymore.

I gain the most (as far as writing fiction goes) from looking deeply at the characters themselves, at their specific traumas and signs of how they have reacted to those traumas within the canon.

How an individual character will react isn't a formula you can get out of a reference book, and has to do with their personal experiences and environment, and that's always unique. Of course a lot of the time I'm incorporating headcanons into the picture, but those headcanons tend to be extrapolations from canon itself.

#meta #i guess #trauma #cptsd #parentification

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saradaltoncoaching · 1 year

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Reflecting on What I AM Grateful For With My Family Of Origin and My In-Laws, A Bit About 12 Step Programs With ZERO Substance Abuse Present, and Gratitude at Thanksgiving and Beyond

What I'm grateful for about my family of origin after reflecting on how I feel about what happened to me through the lens of ACA's 12 step program. #12step #recovery #recoveryispossible #thanksgiving #gratitude #adultchild #grateful #minessententionalism

I have a fraught relationship with by my family of origin (my mom, dad and paternal grandmother) and my in-laws (brother-in-law, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, deceased father-in-law and deceased step-father-in-law.) Yesterday, I watched Rich Roll’s podcast interview with Whitney Cummings on YouTube. Here’s a link to the video if you want to watch it on YouTube: Rich Roll’s Podcast episode on…

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#aca #addiction #adult child #adult child of alcoholics and dysfunctional families #adult children of alcoholics #creativity #dysfunction #dysfunctional #endurance sports #family of origin #family struggles #gratitude #Minessententionalism #only child #the holidays #youtube

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xlalitax · 1 year

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[cisgender female, she/her] Welcome to Aurora Bay, [ LALITA DANDEKAR]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [RITU ARYA] You must be the [THIRTY] year old [LOCAL RADIO (MUSIC) DJ ]. Word is you’re [INTOXICATING ] but can also be a bit [ABRASIVE] and your favorite song is [OH BONDAGE! UP YOURS! By X-RAY SPEX]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [SEABROOK QUARTER]. I’m sure you’ll love it!

Tw: fighting, alcoholism, emotional abuse

FAMILY

Mother: Indira Dandekar

Father: Anupam Dandekar

Sister: UTP

Cousin: UTP

Spouse: UTP

Wanted Connections

Spouse

Ex fiancé

Best friend

Roommate

Hook ups

Coworkers

Music connections

Drinking buddies

Biography

Some people follow the rules and some were born to break them. Lalita was born to be the later. Born in London to parents who had struggled to have children initially; Lalitas birth had proved to be a turning point for the couple in many ways. They were grateful to finally have a family but soon being the older sibling meant that Lalita was forced to be the perfect child. The Dandekars had high expectations for the sisters and in turn it made Lalita struggle to fit in with what they wanted for her. Growing up in one of the more fashionable and eclectic areas of the city opened doors for Lalita to expand her interests and rebel against what was considered popular. She also had a knack for getting into trouble much to the dismay of her family. After getting caught after committing several minor thefts the Dandekars thought that a change of scenery would help out the growing situation.

When she was fourteen; the family of four moved to the U.S.; eventually settling in Los Angeles, California. The move did little to change Lalitas growing disdain for her family situation however. The pressure as still on her and she only began to feel more restless. Living in a family that seemed to value achievement over creativity became more stifling. Due to her reckless behavior; Lalita stopped being seen as the perfect child and her younger sister took her place. While she felt relieved by some of the focus being pulled away from her, she also became more privy to the dysfunctional aspects of her parents marriage and the competitive streak her sister had when it came to her. Even worse the less focus on her meant Lalita had more time to get into trouble; and get into trouble she did. She still had a tendency to steal anything not nailed down, would get into fights, and break into abandoned buildings in the city to spend all night partying. Her biggest brush with trouble involved breaking a man’s hand during an argument. The act of aggression made her parents realize Lalita was growing more out of control and she had to start to settle down and take life seriously regardless if she was seen as the perfect child or not.

She was growing dissatisfied with the way things were being done. The more unhappy her parents were; she mirrored that opinion from her own perspective. In order to make some sort of compromise; Lalitas parents sent her to live with her aunt and uncle in Aurora Bay to finish out her high school years. Away from the watchful eye of her parents and without being compared to her sister; Lalita started to flourish. She felt like she could finally breathe and started to take life more seriously and began to mellow out more. She still had her wild edge, but Lalita was using it for more constructive things. She also had a much closer relationship to her cousin than with her sister; whose she always felt like she was being pitted against, which in the end wasn’t fair to either of them.

When Lalita became an adult, she felt slightly aimless. She had gone to school for music and had wanted to be a rock producer, but in many ways the industry was about who you knew to get in and Lalita was not someone who had connections. Instead she spent a lot of her nights going to punk shows and making friends with the bands that were also struggling to succeed in a fickle industry. Eventually she settled into becoming the local radio DJ in Aurora Bay, where she picks the music and will not take requests if the band sucks in her opinion.

Her personal life seemed just as up and down as her professional life with a string a various lovers walking in and out her door. She was the type of person who wanted one night stands over a real relationship because she wasn’t even sure if she had ever wanted to settle down. When she spent her nights with others who wanted to party and drink till the sun came up it wasn’t easy to make a solid connection. Her family still tried to keep in contact with her but it always ended in them trying to insert themselves into her life and change who she really was. Eventually she cut them off from contact with her for a couple years.

When she wasn’t looking for it;love bit her and then it destroyed her when she let her guard down. Lalita had fallen for a guy who seemed completely not her type. He seemed more structured and button down, while she was messy and chaotic. And yet they seemed like a perfect match. They were both the kind of people who were forced to live up to expectations and it made a bond form between them that led to a proposal and soon planning for a wedding. All was not what it had seemed and Lalita had actually been manipulated by her parents through her supposed fiancé. He had been too good to be true because he was. Half of who he had been was faked to appeal to her; all so her parents could still try to manipulate their oldest into making the decisions they wanted. The reveal caused the the engagement to end and Lalita went on an all night bender.

The girl who existed before she had gotten engaged came back in full force and by the time she woke up, a huge change had occurred. That night, she had asked someone she barely knew through her cousin to marry her; just to lie to her parents and say she was happily married. It surprisingly worked but now Lalita is married to someone she barely knows and she isn’t actually sure if she wants to stay friends or be more than that. There’s also the complicated relationship with her sister and cousin where she feels more like a sister to her cousin and feels like a stranger to her sister. While she may be a “ married woman” now; that hasn’t stopped Lalita from still trying to have as much fun as possible. You may find her dancing the night away or hearing her voice on the radio. She’s not the kind of girl to get into trouble with the law anymore but it doesn’t mean that past doesn’t come back to haunt her either and Lalita has a colorful past that makes her memorable.

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