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sinkix · 4 years

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- What your fav Haikyuu!! Character says about you│Karasuno edition -

Obviously these aren’t meant to be taken too seriously lol. I’ll probably make this into a series at some point where I include the other teams idk this took me way too long to do JWIDJQENWKJQFN WE’LL SEE. ENJOY! <3

2D men are infinitely superior I said what I said.

Hinata:

A sucker for motivational speeches or quotes and they always get you hyped up.

Very ambitious and positive despite frequently getting lost in life

Not as innocent as you seem but still a cinnamon roll lololol

You probably eat fruit as a regular snack n ppl judge you for it

Highkey a dumbass but in a very endearing way so people can’t help but like you

Summer is probs ur fave season

Definitely own several plushies and definitely get defensive about it

The friend people go to when they need cheering up.

You either go to bed at 8pm or 3am no in between.

Your texting style consists of several messages as opposed to one paragraph/sentence with the use of MANY emojis.

You 100% fuck with pineapple on pizza.

Got your head stuck in a cat flap that one time.

Have a hella low alcohol tolerance or don’t drink at all.

Hella clueless when it comes to people flirting with you, they have to hold a neon sign in front of you for you to get the message

“Oh you were flirting with me?” “I was every day for 5 months but thanks for finally noticing”

Definition of a tab hoarder, your pc/laptop frequently crashes because it can’t handle that many but you refuse to get rid of any.

Always get toothpaste stains on your shirt no matter how careful you are.

“Wait we had homework???”

Nishinoya:

You often get random bursts of energy outta nowhere or at 2am and have no clue how to handle it

You can’t help but head bang and scream the lyrics to your fav songs.

Probably have a hella diverse music taste.

Likely an active/outdoorsy person who either does sports or wants to.

Vvv loyal, type of friend you can call in the middle of the night and you’ll be there.

Chaotic good or Chaotic neutral.

You’re either one of the most responsible people in the room or one of the most fuckin chaotic and irresponsible lmao no in between it just depends on your mood.

Frequently pull all nighter’s and doesn’t even feel guilty about it

Chug soda like it’s water.

An extrovert or one of those introverts that are bat-shit once you actually get to know them.

You have zero shame, can and will run across the street stark naked for a cheeseburger and a can of sprite.

Like fuck yeah who wouldn’t for a burger and some sprite y’know??

Despite being a whirlwind you are actually a hella chill person to have as company.

You own a skateboard or want to.

Own at least one pair of converses or vans.

Probably have a bucket list or tons of future plans for travelling/adventures stored in your head.

You really want a dog and would call it something like Dexter or Human Destroyer 9000.

Likely have had several hair colour phases.

A slut for doritos.

You ate glue once as a kid and it was kinda okay and that fact still haunts you.

Tanaka:

Listen to rap more than any other genre and ur playlist is fire

Punched dry wall that one time

Probably have several piercings and plan on getting more

Prefer sports bras to regular ones.

Intimidates outsiders but your friends don’t take you seriously in the slightest lmaoaoaooa

Ppl find it hard to approach you but you’re actually super chill so you get sad

Definition of that Kanye meme “before you talk to me” >:( “after you talk to me” :)

Probably don’t trust people easily

Type of person that once you’re challenged/dared to do something they WILL do it regardless of how stupid bc you hate being called a pussy.

Went through a phase where you only listened to Eminem.

Probably is/was the class clown or wished they were.

You have virtually no patience and a pretty short temper lmao.

You’re a go-getter and hate being told you can’t do something

Definitely snuck out the house several times as a teen.

Walks barefoot outside a lot bc fuck shoes lol

The pairs of shoes you do own are mostly worn down sneakers you refuse to swap out.

You’re that asshole that wears socks with holes in for the sport of it and it doesn’t phase you in the slightest. (dw I do too lmaooao)

Could probably bench press someone’s dad

Enjoy’s drinking coffee.

Kageyama:

Such a picky eater bitch god damn.

Usually hella hydrated and judge people that don’t drink enough water.

Eats spoonfuls of chocolate nesquik powder when no one is looking I said what I said

You like stoic and Tsundere guys who have the outer emotional capacity of a brick wall.

You’re probably the same in that sense and don’t enjoy letting people know what you’re thinking/feeling

Poker face 90% of the time

Type of person to pretend not to find a joke funny but then crumble and start crying with laughter.

Probs an introvert

Once when someone asked you what you wanted for Christmas you responded “to be left the fuck alone” and it still applies to this day.

like fr you just wanna be left alone man but ppl keep bothering you.

You HATE it when people tell you to smile and quite literally take it as an insult.

Your bedtime is 9pm and you stick by it religiously

Always smell really good like damn what you got on??

The most you do with your hair if it’s long enough is throw it in a pony tail and call it a day.

Either have really nicely manicured nails or you’v chewed them down to the nub no in between.

You hate to admit it but you doubt yourself a lot and it really frustrates you.

Probably wet the bed a lot as a kid and you’re still salty about it.

lololol bed-wetter Kags lover

Audibly snorted typing that I’m sorry.

Probably had a ._. face reading that since ur usually hella unamused.

Cute awkward dork though behind that facade it’s just most people don’t see it.

So critical of yourself like chill

An earth sign or an Aquarius idc.

Do not know how to reciprocate a hug but desperately need one

When people flirt with you you somehow manage to make them intimidated with your responses and scare them off.

You called your teacher “mum/dad” once and you get Vietnam flashbacks to this day.

Daichi:

You probably have a daddy kink and lowkey daddy issues with it

Very supportive friend who has a lotta patience

Hella determined and humble.

Mostly wear black because it’s just much easier than colour coordinating and plus you just prefer the simplicity, but you’re pretty vibrant as a person.

The one who stays sober at parties to drive the others home.

Probably haven’t been in many relationships but still do enjoy romance.

seems stern but is actually very friendly and enjoy company bc you don’t like spending too much time by yourself.

Honestly just wants to chill out, go to bed and read a book.

A coffee connessieur but mostly just drinks instant bc ur too lazy to make it properly and just drink it black.

Very reliable.

Often get stuck with most of the work during group projects lololol

People frequently ask you for the answers to the homework/assignment and it really depends on your mood and how charitable you’re feeling as to whether you’ll lend it to them

Low-key a sadist.

100% Old soul

Despite this you are a fuckin dork and have quite an immature but really funny sense of humour.

You have a thigh kink.

Def grew up reading wattpad smut and most of ur sexual knowledge stems from that

probably prefer manga to animated versions

Absolute pro at winged eyeliner and looks v good in it.

Probably give lectures even without realising it.

Shamelessly watches the nature channel for hours on end and what of it.

Honestly just done with everyone’s shit lmao

Sugawara:

Either are the mom friend or the one the mom friend has to look after.

You vibe with pastel colours

Your fav season is either spring or autumn.

oversized hoodies and knitted sweaters are your vibe.

Enjoy drinking herbal tea

Likes the smell of rain and will purposely step outside after a storm and S N O R T the smell of damp concrete. (srry if ur from some dry ass place like nevada lmao it rains alot in the UK soooOOOoO)

Quiet but have a really creative imagination and has one HELL of a loud voice when they’re pissed off

like,, I wouldn’t dare get on ur nerves ion want my ear drums bursting damn.

Hoards flavoured chapsticks and scented lip gloss

Either did or still have your Harry Potter house in your bio and it was probably Hufflepuff.

Gives people advice that they are fully aware also applies to themselves but doesn’t follow it LMAO.

Listens to K-pop and several Korean and Japanese genres.

Played a dating sim once and you enjoyed it but ur still ashamed and refuse to ever talk about it.

Smells like lavender or something hella floral

Probably reads a lot of Yaoi and no one else knows but you.

Would 100% own a chinchilla

Read Killing Stalking and it messed you up for weeks.

Asahi:

The one who was trying to flirt for months and the other person never got the hint

Probably a really pretty crier and vibe with the mascara running aesthetic.

You tear up easily lol.

Probably a water sign.

Low-key a bad bitch though

Looks really good in red lipstick

That one person who’s v attractive but completely unaware and v insecure.

That one friend who seems so soft and innocent but can turn into a banshee when need be.

Crying is your therapy.

You overthink a LOT and it often stops you from achieving what you want.

Actually have a lot of willpower despite ur sensitivity.

Was def a pushover as a kid and still have a chip on your shoulder about it.

Hella artsy and day dreams a lot.

You attract broken souls and often get turned to when people’s problems need fixing yet you’re a total mess yourself

Listens to Girl in red while questioning your sexuality

which you do a lot.

You hate being put in a box or labelled.

Gave up on that hobby that one time and you really wanna get back into it.

Always have at least one hair tie on your wrist that’s basically an accessory at this point.

Own a phat ass fish tank with hella pretty fishes bro it’s such a vibe say hi to Nemo for me.

Yamaguchi:

Too scared to ask for extra ketchup packets so you get your friend to ask instead.

Probably have anxiety.

The time you stuttered once when introducing yourself frequently gives you cringe attacks.

Major animal lover and prefers them to people.

Talked to a tree once and it was a pretty cool experience.

Wear a lot of pink or cute colours and radiate babi energy.

Likely wear skirts

Wear those aesthetic planets necklaces and your tumblr is filled with space related art and themes.

Enjoy staring up at the clouds and figuring out what animal they are.

Has a lot of secrets that they probably tell to their cat.

dw ur cat isn’t a snitch they got you covered.

“meow”

yeah they definitely didn’t just try to reveal ur deepest traumas to your cousin.

If you don’t have a cat you probably would want one and would call it Mittens or sumn.

You’re whipped for freckles and anyone that has them instantly becomes 1000x more attractive to you

Either like 5′2″ or 5′10″ no middle ground

Definitely own a turtle or rabbit and if you don’t then you should.

Forgets your assignments but the professor lets you off because you’re so nervous they can’t scold you.

Oversleeps at least 2 times a week

Will not get up before 1pm on a weekend

Wall flower at parties but people still approach you bc you are so friendly and kind.

Social anxiety intensifies.

Always get’s called on in class when you haven’t been paying attention and it really troubles you.

Has a minimum of 3 blankets on your bed that you cocoon yourself in.

Tsukishima:

Your attracted to snarky assholes.

Sarcasm and insults are your form of flirtation and you get immediately turned off if they can’t take it or get upset.

Probably shy away from your feelings

Random flashbacks to embarrassing events frequently keep you up at night

Judge peoples fashion choices as they walk past you but actually have a really good eye for what works and what doesn’t.

You look like you have your shit together and you kinda do for the most part.

The quiet kid in class that’s listening to some loud ass screamo or rock n roll’ but ppl have no idea.

Definition of the glinting anime glasses pushed up your nose bridge cliche.

When you make a mistake you question all your knowledge and abilities but no one else knows that about you

Refuses to cry since you view your emotions as a personal weakness

If someone hugged you you’d get VERY uncomfortable.

Physical contact is not your forte

Probably a 5′0″ demon.

Would peg a man to assert dominance but you’re actually a lil bitch.

Knows the answer to the question they can’t solve.

Doesn’t study as much as they should but somehow still gets good grades.

Really likes french fries and the taste of strawberries.

Just wants to be left alone

Ennoshita:

The one friend that gets talked over and it really pisses you off but you’re too nice to say anything.

Seems really passive but can actually be hella confrontational when they wanna be

No tolerance for peoples bullshit

Really stable and just an overall reliable person.

People often forget you’re in the room lmao but it’s okay you’d rather listen anyway.

Actually has a really interesting mind and a lot to say but mostly keep it to yourself unless they’re your friend

Answered for someone else in attendance a few years ago and it still bothers you.

People often come to you to vent and you’re chill with it

Don’t stand out much but honestly it doesn’t bother you

Can and will get through an entire book/series in a matter of 3 days.

Quite a minimalist and organised for the most part

You look like you have your shit together and you def do.

Have a controversial taste in pizza.

You have more acquaintances than friends but the ones you do are a v tight knit circle.

Will re take a quiz several times till you get the character you wanted

Radiate Virgo and Libra energy.

Kiyoko:

Type of person to say “step on me” as a way of complimenting and you mean it literally.

Both a sadist and masochist

When someone tells you their not interested it just makes you want them 100x more and it frustrates you why are you like this.

Doesn’t compliment often but when you do it’s really heartfelt.

Looks like your silently judging people but in reality you really couldn’t care.

Just kidding you low-key judge them anyway.

Very picky when it comes to partners.

Independent but has random hella clingy moments.

Despite being quiet, you are capable of roasting a bitch alive if they test your patience.

Like I would NOT wanna get on your bad side

You could deadass send them to therapy, their emotions fenna need some aloe vera for that burn.

Just really calm and relaxed tbh so people enjoy being in your company even though you don’t talk much.

When you do though it’s usually something really interesting or funny.

You just don’t see the point in talking if what your saying doesn’t hold any value??

You hate small talk and would rather slingshot yourself off a skyscraper than partake in it.

Your face is easy to read and you make no effort to hide it.

If your in a bad mood they WILL know.

Look like your plotting someones demise or questioning life’s theories but in reality you’re really just thinking bout what you want for dinner.

Honestly just a sweetheart tbh.

Low-key have a staring problem.

Has really neat and cursive handwriting like who tf taught you that.

Yachi:

Frequently says something then panics that it could be misinterpreted

You overthink literally everything you have ever said and the actions you haven’t even committed yet

Really likes the taste of sherbet

Could cut a bitch if they needed to

You spend most of your money at Urban Outfitters and don’t regret it.

have an assortment of colouring pencils that ppl always try and borrow and never give them back.

You highlight the shit outta your papers and never read them again.

Really like the smell of peaches

Probably have a v interesting earring collection.

Hoard water bottles in your room and you feel majorly guilty about it.

The taste of honey disgusts you but you eat it anyway for some reason.

Somehow managed to burn rice and solidify soup.

You shouldn’t be trusted in the kitchen but you try your best regardless.

I feel like that applies to most things in your life

Like yeah you fucked it up but like you’re trying your best lol cmon

V tolerant of people but have zero time for fuckboys and shut them down instantly.

You frequently get the shakes from caffeine or anxiety

Or both.

You give really encouraging hugs.

Have no clue what you wanna do in life but it’s ok bby it’ll work out.

Takeda:

You’re a very underappreciated and underrated person and I love u

Probably an English/languages major

Really kind and outgoing but high-key mysterious

Actually has a phat fucking temper like damn where did that come from.

Won’t take no for an answer when you want to achieve something.

That one person people don’t realise is there listening to your conversations but you definitely are and now know Becky’s deepest darkest secret.

Fuck you, becky.

Wore contacts once and forgot to take them out for 3 days.

You wondered why your eyes were so itchy.

Your music taste does not match your appearance.

Probably watch a lot of crime shows and imagine you’re an investigator

Aced physics and chemistry.

More than likely an introvert with extrovert tendencies when you feel like it.

Actually quite temperamental but it’s okay since you’re a v genuine person.

Often debate getting a sugar daddy bc that income looking real tempting rn.

Honest to a fault at times but it’s something people come to appreciate about you.

Just really wanna sleep for 15 hours and sit in front of your laptop with some hot coco.

Ukai:

You like older men

The smell of tobacco and coffee low-key comforts you for some reason.

Peed in a bottle that one time while on a road trip and forgot to throw it out until you found it a week later.

You’re a slut for dyed hair and dudes with piercings.

You once got drunk and passed out on a spinning round-a-bout in a park and your friend still has pictures that you refuse to acknowledge.

Bi-curious and just radiate big Bi energy

Would experiment but you’re too hesitant.

Hates the taste of beer but drinks it anyway.

Just wants to be loved man I stg is that too much to ask.

Often wonder if your friends actually like you then realise you don’t really care anyway lmao.

You still love them though.

Tired of working over time and just wanna catch a break.

Amazon Prime is your best friend.

Random ass parcels comin thru’ each day and it feels like Christmas.

A very lonely and one-man party Christmas.

Stop spending your fucking paycheck.

Have a pretty dark/cynical but really funny sense of humour and you often make people laugh.

Have a big ass temper and people KNOW it.

Often fantasised about dropping out and becoming a stripper bc your patience was being TESTED.

Really likes money but who doesn’t tbh.

You radiate Chaotic Evil but keep it under wraps.

#hq #haikyuu #karasuno #ukai keishin #takeda ittetsu #yachi hitoka #kiyoko shimizu #ennoshita chikara #tsukishima kei #yamaguchi tadashi #daichi sawamura #sugawara koushi #asahi azumane #tanaka ryuunosuke #nishinoya yuu #hinata shoyo #kageyama tobio

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beca-mitchell · 4 years

Text

brain is in the back seat (heart's in drive) (1/1)

Summary: Life has a way of not working out like the movies. Not like Beca likes movies anyway. Beca and Chloe’s first kiss.

Word count: 4,125 words.

Fic title from the song "the movies" by Nightly. Part of the daylight au. As always, many thanks to @asimplefavors for letting me cry at you re: this fic which I’ve been sitting on forever. I’m just glad it’s done.

Read below or on AO3.

* * * * *

LOCATION: Brookline, MA MONTH: March AGE: 15/16

* * * * *

Beca hates movies, so it makes sense that she’s kind of getting the feeling that her life is turning out like one.

After the Winter Formal, Beca kind of just wants things to go back to normal, not that she really has a baseline for that anymore.

It also doesn’t really help that she has to endure Valentine’s Day amidst all her peers. If there’s something people never really grow out of, it’s the excessive gift giving and over-emphasis on the quantity of candy grams received in one’s locker on that specific day.

...And it further didn’t help that Beca had quickly shoved the Valentine’s card she had been planning to give to Chloe into her own locker upon seeing Tom walk down the fall with his arm snugly around Chloe’s shoulder, a small bouquet of roses pressed into her arms. Beca had thought it inappropriate at the time—figured Chloe didn’t need extra Valentines when she was so obviously taken...even though it had been their tradition for years.

And of course, the fact that Chloe hadn’t given her a valentine either. That was telling enough. Not that Beca gave her much reason to, with how much avoiding she had been doing since January.

That February break that follows immediately after is one of the most relaxing breaks Beca has ever experienced. She spends most of it sparsely replying to texts from Chloe and begrudgingly visiting her father and his family for the short break.

It’s the time apart (again) that really only cements that the nauseating feeling in her stomach is because she’s not getting over her feelings for one Chloe Beale anytime soon.

The more selfish part of her—the part entirely consuming her heart—doesn’t really want to give up on her feelings, but the rational part—somewhere between her heart and her head—knows that she’s just setting herself up for more heartbreak, if the Instagram updates from Chloe and Tom are any indication. It’s horrible, really because they’re not even together in person. Beca knows this solely because she knows Chloe’s family takes a trip to Stowe every February break for a ski trip.

It’s like the social media back and forth is just designed to hurt her. The little comments they leave on each other’s photos. The hearts. The inside-joke emojis.

She knows rationally that her thoughts are spiralling and it’s entirely untrue that Chloe would ever want to hurt her purposefully. It’s just that, well, Beca wouldn’t blame her. She knows that her avoidance of Chloe over the past few weeks has been more than obvious and less than desirable.

So when Beca sits down with her father and his new family, the sensation of being replaced never really gets old even if she knows that she has no real right to feel that way. But it’s hard, looking around her and feeling so out of place, and then knowing that when she returns home, the one person who she had always considered the literal embodiment of home is also starting a new segment of her life in which Beca has no real place.

And even sitting in her father’s home in New Haven, she imagines what it would be like to blurt out that she’s in love with her best friend—a girl—simply to see the disdain cross his face like a shadow. It would be enough to make her forget about her current plight. Plus, she’s just so tired of feeling like shit all the time.

She sees it, in all honesty. Like her mind has two screens, she sees the mildly foggy memory of her father saying something disparaging against homosexuality on one screen while the other gleefully rolls imagined footage of Beca sweeping his pretentious dishes off his dining table and declaring her love for her best friend, the very girl she grew up next two for the past eleven years.

Still, as appealing as that sounds and looks, she bites her tongue and listens to her father spout off something about psychology or some other academic topic that Beca has zero interest in. She would normally be texting Chloe, but she just can’t bring herself to pick up the phone.

Chloe doesn’t text her either.

It all sucks.

February break sucks.

She sucks.

Her thoughts follow her all the way back home to the desolate wasteland she calls home (classic Boston-in-February weather) where her mother (shockingly) greets her with a hug and the promise of a sit-down meal. The thought warms her for a moment before Beca remembers that her mom probably just feels guilty without really wanting to do anything. Not even apologize for being absent. Emotionally distant. Neglectful. Beca’s sure the list could go on.

As she sits at the dinner table thinking about a myriad of things floating around her mind in an attempt to distract herself including the dreaded first day back at school, the assignments she should probably work on, seeing Chloe again—

Her fingers twitch towards her phone on instinct.

She draws back with a flinch, resisting the urge to mindlessly text Chloe even though it’s what she wants most in the world at the moment. Quickly, she spares a glance at her mother who hasn’t looked up from her own plate.

With a sigh, Beca furrows her brow and returns to staring sullenly at the table until it is an appropriate enough time to retreat to her room.

The next day passes without incident. Beca decides to walk to school early instead of catching a ride from Chloe’s brother like she normally would. She’s not sure what the point is. Chloe will just figure out a way to corner her later regardless.

Even with that in mind, Beca isn’t expecting to see Chloe sitting on her bed when she opens her bedroom door. In fact, she’s kind of expecting her room to be exactly as she left it that morning before heading out for school—empty, her bed unmade, and cold.

But now—

“What are you doing here?” Beca asks, harsher than she intends. She swallows, willing herself to reign in her emotions as best as she can.

“Your mom let me in,” Chloe says softly. Her palms glide briefly over Beca’s bedspread before she’s pushing herself off the bed and moving awkwardly to the middle of Beca’s bedroom. “I…hope that’s okay?” she asks hesitantly, like she is no longer sure of her place in Beca’s house; in Beca’s life.

Beca steadies her grip on her backpack for a moment before dropping it to the floor unceremoniously. “It’s fine,” she says finally, trying to ignore the way her heart pulls and tugs at the mere sight of Chloe—Chloe, out of her school clothes and wearing comfortable loungewear. Chloe, with her hair down instead of up in a ponytail. Chloe, whose lips are slowly spreading into a hesitant smile. “I just…” Beca blinks, turning to walk to her desk quickly to be safe. Distant. “Why are you here?” she asks again, softer.

“I…” Chloe takes a deep breath, but she thankfully does not seem to move closer to Beca in any capacity. “Are you mad at me?” Chloe asks with a delicate softness that only makes Beca’s heart ache more.

In her mind’s eye, she plays out the variety of expressions Chloe could possibly be wearing. An expression designed to elicit the highest amount of sympathy in a willing audience. Outwardly, Beca stares hard at the notebook on her desk, reaching out to run her finger along the spiral. “No,” she murmurs. “I’m not mad at you.”

“Did I…” Chloe sighs, like she can’t quite bear to finish that question. But Chloe, as resilient as ever, pushes through, though she doesn’t finish the question. “Beca, please just look at me.”

Beca bites her lip but she complies nonetheless, taking her time to drag her eyes up to Chloe’s face.

She hates that she immediately wants to break into a smile upon simply seeing Chloe’s face—a natural by-product of the happiness she usually feels upon seeing her best friend’s face, though her more recent emotions have obviously been veering towards the romantic.

But more than all of that—more than the positive emotions—she hates the hurt she sees there, especially knowing that she had actively contributed in some way.

“Did I do something?” Chloe asks rather quickly. Nervously. Her hands come up to grip her own arms, hugging herself. “Did I do something to you to make you…”

“To make me what?”

“Like this,” Chloe says quickly. “Like you can’t stand being around me.”

It’s not you, Beca thinks. It’s me and I’m so sorry. “It’s…nothing,” Beca says evasively. “I…” Her eyes narrow as her brain catches up with the rest of her emotions. She fully processes that Chloe is in her room. After school. On a nice evening. “Didn’t you have plans today? With Tom?”

A blush rises on Chloe’s cheek at the mere mention of his name, as usual. And as usual, Beca finds herself reacting viscerally with something akin to nausea. “I cancelled,” Chloe admits. “I wanted to see you. It’s been a while since—”

“—Well, you’ve seen me.” Beca tries not to let some of the acidity seep into her tone because Chloe doesn’t deserve it, but it does anyway. Too late. Beca sighs. “I have homework to do.”

Chloe brightens. “Great! So do I. We can do it together.”

Chloe’s chipper tone, while normally something that Beca finds charming and attractive, grates on her nerves today. Beca glances at Chloe out of the corner of her eye. It’s then that she notices Chloe’s full backpack resting on the floor by her feet. “Don’t you have to do it with Tom? Like you guys normally do? He made that pretty clear.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” Chloe says in a tone that Beca can’t identify. She doesn’t know if she has the energy to identify anything at this point.

Beca grits her teeth. “I still think you should go.”

“Why?” Chloe challenges. When Beca doesn’t respond, Chloe continues, this time with an angry tone. “Do you know how worried I am about you? What’s going on? Why are you avoiding me? Is it Tom? Did he say something to you?” The way Chloe says his name then is so distinct that it makes Beca’s ears perk up. It reminds Beca of so long ago—of Chloe immediately demanding the names of people who had hurt Beca’s feelings.

Her own knight in shining armor.

Beca exhales noisily and finally meets Chloe’s eyes head-on. “Chloe, no. We’re not doing this right now.”

Blue eyes flash like lightning. “Oh, well at least you’re looking at me now.”

“Chloe,” Beca says, exasperated at the bitterness in Chloe’s tone. It is absolutely well-deserved, but the sting makes Beca’s hackles rise nonetheless. “Come on.”

“No, I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s been going on with you.” Chloe literally stomps her foot on the ground. “I swear it, Beca Mitchell.”

Chloe kind of looks like she might stomp her foot again. Instead, she crosses her arms and stares at Beca defiantly.

It’s like the dam breaks all at once. Beca bursts out laughing at both the sight and the sound. “Did you just—? A foot stomp? Really?”

Chloe freezes, like she isn’t quite sure what’s going on. “Oh, I…” The mild confusion in her eyes causes Beca to smile again, unable to hide her own adoration for her best friend even if she tried.

(Which she has been. Trying, at least.)

For a moment, it is finally silent in Beca’s room. Chloe’s stance softens and she is suddenly staring at Beca with a different kind of expression on her face. “What?” Beca asks, not realizing that she has the tiniest smile on her face still.

“There you are,” Chloe says affectionately. “My favorite smile.”

Beca blinks, feeling the sudden urge to cry. All kinds of emotion well up inside her, each warring for some kind of dominance; each warring for attention. Beca feels like Chloe is really looking at her for the first time in a while.

It also occurs to Beca that they’re finally alone and Beca has no idea what to do.

“Stop,” Beca says quickly. She averts her gaze. “Stop doing that.”

Chloe’s confusion is immediately visible. New tension grows palpable between them. “Stop doing what?”

“Stop…” Beca gestures wildly. “Doing those things. Saying those things that make me…” she trails off, licking her lips. The air feels thick. Difficult to breathe. “Stop,” she whispers.

Her heart races uncomfortably, like what Beca imagines a heart attack to feel like. Or if she’s being less dramatic, what she imagines a panic attack to be.

“Beca,” Chloe murmurs. “You can talk to me. Please, you’re scaring me.” She steps closer, right in front of Beca. Beca sees Chloe’s annoyingly cute socks in her line of vision and slowly lifts her head. “Hi,” Chloe says softly upon catching Beca’s eyes with her own. “Beca,” she starts. “It’s okay.”

Is it? Beca thinks. Will it ever be?

It’s then that Beca realizes how close they’re standing. How nice Chloe smells. How much softer her sweater looks up close. The very light freckles on Chloe’s face, now faded compared to how prominent they had seemed during the summer months.

I love you so much, Beca thinks, her traitorous mind breaking down every last confine as usual. I don’t know what that means, but I know that it’s true.

Beca isn’t sure what comes over her then.

(She kind of knows, but still. It’s easier being ignorant to her thought processes.)

In reality, it feels like the oddest fog passing over her brain while her heart beats with startling clarity. Her fingers graze Chloe’s cheek before she realizes what is happening and her lips meet Chloe’s with force that surprises both of them. Beca feels the tension leave her body immediately replaced by the most peculiar warmth—a warmth that fills her chest unexpectedly and so wholly that her body all but sags into Chloe’s.

To her surprise, just as she is about to pull back, Chloe’s hand comes up to cup the back of her head while the other hand curls around her hip with, Beca realizes with a jolt of fire to her chest, stark possessiveness and protectiveness. For a few blissful moments, Chloe’s lips move in tandem with her own, as soft as Beca always imagined. The initial shock of experiencing her first kiss wears off, but…

Chloe is kissing her back. Chloe is kissing her and Chloe is not moving away except—

She does.

Chloe finally moves back, their lips separating with suddenness and abruptness that leaves Beca reeling.

“Oh my God,” Beca says immediately. Her throat feels tight and her voice is high and rough with the fear that courses through her body. “God, Chloe, I—”

“You just kissed me,” Chloe interrupts. Her voice trembles even as she continues. “You kissed me, Beca.”

There is something more than accusation in her tone. There is a hint of desperation that Beca recognizes all too well and further, something almost foreign in terms of their interactions with each other. Chloe has never sounded unsure or insecure when talking to Beca. The fact that she did just then breaks Beca’s heart a little bit.

“I’m…” Beca swallows. Pushes down the emotion threatening to spill over. She isn’t even sure what there is to really say. All she can think about is how Chloe pulled away first—essentially pushed her away. It stings more than Beca had anticipated even though it had been what she entirely expected. “I know. Chloe, please, just listen."

“I’m dating Tom,” Chloe responds immediately. “I’m dating Tom and I can’t…you can’t just spring this on me and just…” Chloe’s eyes well up with tears and Beca feels her own eyes sting at the sight. “I can’t cheat on him.”

“We didn’t,” Beca says quickly. Desperately. “Chloe, please, can we just…” Beca feels the last false shred of happiness finally crumble away as she sees the despair in Chloe’s eyes.

She doesn’t feel the same way.

She never did.

She was just caught up in the moment.

“I don’t know what I expected,” Beca says in a small voice. “Fuck,” she murmurs, running her hands through her hair. “I’m sorry.”

She feels so fucking embarrassed.

Chloe hesitates. “Beca, wait.”

“No, you should just go. You should go and just.” Beca turns back to her desk and grips the edge of her chair tightly. “Just go do your dumb homework and go be with your boyfriend. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I just need time—”

“Chloe, now.”

The way Beca’s voice rings around her bedroom weighs heavier than the silence that follows. She thinks she hears Chloe sniffle once, but she can’t bear to look. She can’t bear to see Chloe’s expression and even more viscerally, the metaphorical imagery of Chloe finally crushing the last pieces of her already-shattered part as she leaves Beca’s bedroom.

The door clicks quietly, but the sound still makes Beca jump. Unfortunately, not like a movie, these end credits close out with nothing more than a whimper from her own mouth.

She finally allows herself to crumble, finally unable to outrun the magnitude of her emotions.

Not like running had worked very well before.

* * * * *

Chloe I shouldn’t have left, i’m sorry

That’s the text message Beca receives the next morning.

Beca I wanted you to go

It’s one of the few lies Beca has ever told Chloe over the span of their eleven-year friendship.

Beca I’m sorry too

She bites her lip at the added-on text, sending it on impulse because she doesn’t want Chloe to be upset with her. Whether she’s apologizing for the kiss, for her feelings, or for chasing Chloe out of her bedroom, she’s not sure at this point.

It doesn’t matter, however. Chloe doesn’t reply; doesn’t even call her out on it.

* * * * *

Beca goes a few days with some relative quiet in her life. She drags herself around aimlessly doing her best not to be too rocked with guilt and discord as her mind traitorously replays the kiss at unfortunate moments.

“Beca, wait!”

Beca does her best to steady herself and she takes a breath. It does feel like self-sabotage, knowing that Chloe is equally likely to spend time at this specific spot—their spot—so Beca supposes a part of her wanted so badly to just see Chloe’s face again. Just to see if Chloe would be disgusted or upset with her.

All she sees is desperation written across Chloe’s face. The same desperation that had been on Chloe’s face just a few days ago in her bedroom. Since then, Beca had been avoiding her as best as possible, weaving around people whenever the opportunity presented itself (which was often, due to Beca’s smaller stature).

Beca had never been so grateful for crowded high school hallways. Blending in and being nearly invisible never felt so good.

“We need to talk,” Chloe says quietly. “You know we do.”

“There’s…” Beca presses her fingers tightly into the metal bar in front of her, unable to look at Chloe directly. She should have expected Chloe to come here. Self-sabotage, she supposes. “Nothing to talk about.”

“That’s crap and you know it.”

Beca refuses to acknowledge that. “I can’t right now, Chlo.”

“Please,” Chloe says, a bit closer than before. “You…” Chloe sighs. “You can’t just kiss me like that and—and—” Biting frustration seeps into her tone. “I shouldn’t have left you alone like that,” Chloe whispers after a moment of silence. “But there’s no way you can just expect me to ignore what happened between us.”

Beca takes a brief moment to marvel over how Chloe somehow manages to be good with words. Or at least that she manages to get words out at all. It’s something Beca envies.

“I’m trying so hard to understand, Beca,” Chloe murmurs, taking a step closer.

Beca continues to focus on anything but Chloe. “There’s nothing to understand. I made a mistake. You can forget about it.”

The air seems to still around them. Beca can hear the shouts of their peers, sharp and crisp in the brisk, chilly air.

Finally, Chloe responds, voice thick with emotion. “I don’t want to forget about it, Beca.”

That makes Beca look at Chloe. She twists so sharply and quickly that she think something cracks in her neck, but she brushes off the brief twinge that runs through her body. “Why?” she asks, hating how weak her voice sounds. “You should, it’s for the be—”

“I don’t want to forget about it,” Chloe repeats, firmer than before.

“Why?” Beca asks quickly as curiosity and hope win out.

Chloe says nothing, simply watching Beca with a near-inscrutable expression. Finally, she sucks in a breath. “Why did you kiss me?” she asks, in lieu of responding, like it’s all the response Beca needs. The challenge in Chloe’s voice is familiar. It makes Beca’s heart race. She resists the urge to reach out and grasp onto Chloe’s forearms or shoulders to steady herself. Instead, Beca forces herself to keep her eyes on Chloe steadily.

In that moment, Beca just wants Chloe to steal the words right from her mind. She wants Chloe to speak so she doesn’t have to—Chloe has to know at this point. She has to know, there’s no real reason for her not to know. It becomes evident that Chloe isn’t going to let her off the hook so easily. Beca sighs. “You know why,” she finally murmurs. “You know,” she presses.

Chloe’s eyes flash with emotion—finally something akin to the familiar passion that Beca has come to know over the years. It sends Beca’s heart into a tangle of emotions as she attempts to steady her own breathing. She could go on. She could keep talking. She feels the urge—she recognizes it in its rarity—course through her with startling sincerity. You know why, her own words echo back at her. Tell her, she begs herself. Please.

I like you.

I’m in love with you.

I love you.

“Then you know why, too,” Chloe finally says after a long silence.

Beca’s eyes must do something—she feels some muscle in her face twitch—because Chloe takes an immediate step back after the words leave her mouth.

“Chloe,” Beca breathes, like it’s the first breath of pure air she has taken in and expelled in a long time. Tom, Beca thinks frantically. But Tom is—it can’t be—

“I—I should go. But—um.” Chloe shifts, drawing her lower lip between her teeth as she assesses Beca once more. Beca doesn’t dare breathe, wondering if Chloe is going to kiss her—whether Chloe will kiss her first this time. Or if Chloe will hug her. Or if Chloe will say more. She longs to ask more questions, say more words, but she’s too afraid of the thick air between them suddenly.

Chloe finally takes a breath; she finally takes a step back and lifts her hand in a half wave, like she realizes she needs to leave. “I have to go,” she repeats. “But I...Beca,” Chloe murmurs. She lifts her hands together, like she might take the necessary steps to close the distance between them, but she casts Beca a sad expression, clenching her hands into fists and drawing them close to her chest. It is so vulnerable and unexpected for Chloe that Beca has no idea what words could possibly come out of her mouth then. “Don’t give up on me.”

That alone steals Beca’s breath from her once more. She can do nothing more than nod, because how can she even fathom the thought. It had been nice to indulge in the possibility of not loving Chloe Beale—not being with her, even as friends—but this reality, however half-formed is more than Beca could have ever dreamed of.

With that, Chloe finally twists and darts away from under the bleachers. Beca watches her go with bated breath, and when she finally exhales, she watches the way the air condenses in front of her, like a flurry of thoughts and emotions finally making themselves known in Chloe’s wake.

She breathes, allowing herself to think of their shared kiss in Beca’s bedroom just days ago. Maybe even a week now.

“I won’t,” she replies, speaking to nobody except the ghostly presence of the memories past, present, and future.

And she finally feels like the future—whatever sequels may follow—might not look so bleak.

fin.

#bechloe #now i see daylight #pitch perfect #fanfiction #beca mitchell #chloe beale #au #high school au #my fanfic #mine #text #queue

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thejollyroger-writer · 4 years

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Heart and Soul - Part 2

SUMMARY: Private music teacher Killian Jones wakes one morning to the sound of his ten year old neighbor playing the bane of his existence: the recorder. In order to keep his sanity, he offers to teach Henry to play any other instrument – though partially because it means he gets to spend more time with Henry’s mother, Emma Swan.

READ PART ONE: ao3 // tumblr // // PART TWO ON AO3

TW: mentions of alcoholism, abusive parents, backstory that goes a little deeper than necessary -- you know, the things I do best, apparently.

a/n: This fic was inspired by waking up one morning over the summer to hear my neighbor playing the trumpet – though, thankfully, Sam is a much better musician than a beginner recorder-player. I complained about it on discord, and bam! this story appeared, a joint effort between myself and Meredith (@captainsjedi) . Even though she was unable to help me finish it because of her busy work schedule, her ideas are riddled through the story, not to mention the incredible art she made for it.

Thanks to @csconcertseries and @clockadile, who gave me a reason to finish this story! It feels really good to actually finish something that I’ve been working on in the midst of the chaos of the world right now, so even though the event was a month ago, I’m still super thankful for the opportunity.

-- -- --

Waking up to a message from Tink Greene on an October Thursday morning is one of the last things he expected, not having spoken to her besides the friendly neighborhood hellos since he broke off their dalliance the previous spring.

The contents of the message are even more of a surprise:

I've been hearing Henry Swan play in one of the practice rooms, and I think he would make a great addition to our student showcase for the Winter concert. He told me you've been teaching him, which explains a lot. Do you think you and he could work together on something by the beginning of December for him to play?

Of course, the first thing he wants to do is share the news with Emma. He should probably shower first. And maybe actually answer Tink.

I think that’s a grand idea. Henry has shown more growth than some of my adult students. Could you get me a song in the next week or so?

Her response comes rather quickly, given the original message was from two hours before, but he imagines there’s not much for the elementary music teacher to do all day. I’m thinking either First Noel or Hark the Herald Angels. It depends on which the recorder students are better at. He also may play it with a beginner violin student, Violet, who’s doing exceptionally well. I think he knows her.

He wonders if this is the same Violet from his soccer team, the one the boy has brought up a few times in conversation — but Tink doesn’t need to know that. Hell, he probably shouldn’t even know that, though he’s thankful that Henry trusts him enough to update him on his life during their lessons or some of the nights Killian finds himself staying for dinner.

But he still needs a response. Thanks again for those recorder students, by the way. I turned down a whole dozen of them within the first two weeks of school, the infernal instrument.

When Tink only responds with a few emojis — he tosses his phone back on the bed and pulls himself up, wondering if he is too late to meet Emma for her morning run.

So he texts her. Because that’s something they’re doing now, after her inviting him to some of Henry’s games and his joining them for dinner most nights after Henry’s lessons. It wouldn’t even be the first time she has allowed him to join her on her morning run, invited him into her place of safety and security.

(He would like to think of himself as a relatively fit human, but even he will admit that three miles, Emma’s regular distance, is a little much for him to start with, though he has been working on it more and more.)

Is it too late for me to join in on the day’s physical activities?

Even he is surprised by the pounding of his heart in his chest as he rummages through his drawers to try to find his athletic shorts, waiting for her answer, hoping for a positive.

The soft ding of her response almost causes him to jump out of his skin. Just getting ready to go, actually. I’ll meet you outside?

Perfect, is all he needs to say, splashing some cold water in his face as he stares at himself in the mirror. He doesn’t even realize the strong grip he has on the edge of the sink until he lets go to reach for his toothbrush.

“Christ, Killian,” he mumbles to himself, shaking his head as he runs his toothbrush under the water. It’s only a run.

But his nerves don’t disappear. If anything, they only grow exponentially, and by the time he meets her on the sidewalk outside her house, he is almost shaking from the adrenaline.

Good thing they’re going for a run, exerting this pent-up energy. He may even be able to keep up with her the whole time.

He spends the first block trying to figure out how to bring up his exciting news. And the second. But when she starts to slow down, asks him how his week has gone, he can’t keep it in any longer.

“Henry’s music teacher asked me this morning if I thought he should perform in the winter showcase.”

He can sense her excitement almost immediately, even before she slows to a stop, wiping the smooth sheen of sweat off her forehead with the bottom of her t-shirt before turning to him, the smile on her face making the physical exertion worth it. “And?”

“Of course I agreed. I know I’ve told you before, love, but your son is a very talented musician.”

She is still for a moment, looking somewhere over his shoulder, before she nods, gesturing for them to continue. “So, what, would it be a solo? Or would he be playing something with you?”

“Actually, Tink mentioned asking one of the girls in his class to play with him. A violinist, I think.”

“I wonder if it’s the same girl from his soccer team. He told me they met in orchestra, and I think that’s what she plays.”

“Violet, right? That’s what Tink said”

“Yeah, I think so. He’s got a bit of a crush, if you ask me, but don’t say anything to him about it.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, love.”

“That’s so exciting, though. The kid deserves some excitement, with all the shit his dad is putting him through.”

At first, Killian isn’t sure that Emma even meant to say it, if they’re at that point in their friendship where she shares things like this with him.

“You know he’s trying to move away? Something about his dad giving him a job in the city, a corner highrise apartment, a position as a big shot in his company, when Neal can’t even manage to get his child support in on time every month.”

Now he really doesn’t know what to say — but she continues anyway.

“I try not to say anything bad about him around Henry, but my god, he just makes it so fucking difficult.”

Killian can’t help the chuckle that pushes through his lips. “I would assume my mum would have said the same about my father, if she ever had the chance.”

A moment too late, he realizes that it’s only the second time he’s mentioned his father, the only other being the first time they really talked when they shared lunch in her kitchen.

She doesn’t answer. He counts the time ticking away by their footsteps on the pavement, by the pounding of his heart in his chest.

She says nothing. They go almost a full block, slowing only to make sure they’re safe to cross the street.

He doesn’t know what he did. He doesn’t know what to do. So he just focuses on the pounding of his shoes against the pavement. Left, right, left, right.

“Sorry, I…” she says finally, the words going nowhere, but he feels the warmth of her fingers around his wrist, pulling him to a stop. “Can we go get lunch? Maybe that little place on Main Street? I know that’s not our regular route, it’s a little far out of the way, but—”

“Sure, love,” he says, not even needing to hear the rest of what she’s trying to say. Whatever it is, he will give her the time she needs to tell him — but there are more appropriate places for these sorts of conversations than on the sidewalk.

She asks the waitress for a table in the back, further away from the door and the line of regulars sitting at the bar, spending what feels like hours looking over the menu before the waitress returns with their drinks and to take their order. All she orders is a bowl of soup, Killian strangely in the mood for one of their salads, but the silence between them only returns when the waitress leaves their table.

Killian doesn’t mind, really. She decided that she wanted to tell him something, unlock some of the secrets of her past, which is more than he could have asked for.

“I was, uh, found outside an orphanage when I was just a few days old.”

Okay, it’s certainly not what he expected. It’s far more personal than he expected — but she’s telling him, and that’s the important part.

“I have no idea who my parents are, anything about my family, only that they wanted to name me Emma.”

Pausing, she takes a deep breath. A sip of her water. Her eyes don’t leave the spot on the table that they’re glued to.

He doesn’t mind.

“I was in and out of fosters for most of my childhood, and that’s how I met David. His mother was my last-ditch effort when I was seventeen, and if she didn’t work, I was going to be on my own. But, thankfully, she was an angel on this earth, and I spent a good few years with her, even after I aged out and as I went to college. I still think that’s why I kept coming back to Storybrooke, because it was the only place that felt like home, especially after everything that happened with Neal, except now he wants to leave Henry even more, move hours away to the city and see his own son even less than he does now.”

Still, Killian stays silent. If he’s honest with himself, he really doesn’t know what to say in the first place, and he gets the feeling that there aren’t very many people who just let Emma talk.

He will gladly be the one as often as she gives him the opportunity.

“Does Henry know that he’s trying to leave yet?”

She scoffs, looking up at him for a moment. Just a moment.

“I told him he had to be the one to tell Henry, to answer all of his questions. That he wasn’t allowed to just up and leave. But that doesn’t mean he’s not going to do it anyway.”

“I know it might not be want you want to hear, love, but sometimes it’s better for the parent to just up and leave if that’s what they need to do. He’ll still have to get you child support, no matter where he is.”

“Are you speaking from experience?”

He doesn’t even know how to read her voice. She doesn’t sound upset, per say, but there’s definitely something much deeper than just curiosity.

“It’s just what my mother used to say, that we’d probably be better off without him than with him. But I can only hope that Neal is nowhere near the terror that Brennan Jones was.”

She nods, the very corner of her lips ticking up for just a moment. Says nothing.

And then it hits him: “Though, I suppose having a terrible dad around is something compared to having no one, no matter how much you may wish he wasn’t there.”

“Jackpot,” she mumbles. “But as hard as it is to admit, Neal really isn’t a terrible person. He can even be a good dad, when he tries to be, and Henry really looks up to him, which I don’t think he realizes. I just don’t understand how he can choose a job over his own son.”

“Granted, I don’t have the pleasure of offspring yet, but I would like to believe that I would feel the same as you do.”

Finally, she smiles. Actually makes eye contact with him. Warms his heart a few degrees. Just as the waitress brings their food.

Henry practically perfects the song — The First Noel — before Thanksgiving break, a whole three weeks before the concert. Killian even reaches out to Violet’s parents to offer to have them practice together in his studio instead of after hours at the school — or at either of their houses, which is a move that both Emma and Violet’s parents appreciate.

(Plus, with Henry taking the lead on their rehearsals, it gives him more time to sit in the corner of the studio, talking with Emma.)

They’ve built up a fine friendship since the first day of school, adding more weekly dinners as a trio, with Killian even joining Emma’s gym to work out with her with the weather getting colder.

Killian would even go so far as to say Emma and her lad have become a regular part of her life, though he still didn’t expect the day when she asked him out, sitting across the table from her brother and next to her at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

(What was different about this time? He had been to dinners with them, had spent time alone with Emma, but there was something about this that was different. He would be willing to bet it was the setting, the pressure of the situation.)

“So, Henry, your mom told me about your solo in the winter concert!” Mary Margaret says excitedly, trying to find a subject that Henry can take part in, since most of Emma and David’s conversation has centered around work.

Killian turns to the boy, seated at the far end of the table, just in time to watch his face light up in a smile. “Technically, it’s a duet, me and this one girl in my class, Violet —”

“The one from your soccer team? With the purple streaks in her hair?” David asks, the rest of the table watching Henry’s face turn bright red.

"Oh!" Mary Margaret practically squeals, which makes every eye at the table turn towards her, which Killian is sure Henry is thankful for — until she continues. “Do you have a crush on her?”

Henry sighs, his eyes falling back to his plate as his cheeks continue to turn as red as his shirt. Instead of answering Mary Margaret’s question, he says, “You know, I never understood why that’s what they call it.” His voice is small, incredibly embarrassed, as he swirls his fork around his pile of mashed potatoes. “Why is it a crush?”

Emma laughs, gently setting her hand on her son’s shoulder. “Aw, come on, you don’t have to embarrass him,” she jokes.

“Well, then,” David says, setting his fork down on his plate so he can cross his arms across his chest. “Should we talk about your little crush instead?”

“David!” both Mary Margaret and Emma say at the same time, and Killian can’t keep the heat from rushing to his face.

Why are you embarrassed, you idiot? he asks himself, trying his best to keep his thoughts off his face. They’re not even talking about you.

Unless… they are.

He almost doesn’t allow himself to even think it. Because it’s insane to even assume it.

And then Emma rolls her eyes.

Looks at him.

Pulls her bottom lip up between her teeth.

Blushes deeper.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

He tries to act like he missed her look, turns his attention down to his plate of food, but he’s sure it doesn’t work.

“Why can we bring up Henry’s and embarrass the poor boy, but I can’t do the same to my sister?” David asks, a wide grin spread across his face. Without even meaning to, Killian’s gaze rises, meeting David’s from across the table.

David winks.

Shit.

“You’re at least going to his concert together, right?” David asks, the same smirk still covering his features.

“I mean, we hadn’t really discussed it, but—” Emma starts, but Henry cuts her off:

“You mean, like a date?”

“No,” both Killian and Emma try at the same time, but it doesn’t work.

Mary Margaret’s poker face falters, turning into a grin that seems to brighten her already-shining aura. David somehow looks even more smug, though Killian wouldn’t have thought it possible.

And Emma, whose gaze Killian is very purposefully avoiding, is turning redder by the moment.

He’s sure he is, too.

(Because he desperately wants it to be a date.)

The next three weeks pass in a bit of a blur, between the holiday drunks that Emma has to deal with at the station and the last-minute lessons before recitals and concerts. It feels like the blink of an eye between their conversation at Mary Margaret and David’s thanksgiving dinner and Killian knocking on the door of the Swan’s house, making sure his light blue shirt is tucked into his dark jeans as he waits for someone to let him in. The waistcoat may have been a little more than necessary for an elementary school concert, sure, but there was talk before of Neal taking Henry and some of his friends for ice cream, giving Emma and Killian a chance to go out for dinner together.

Maybe even like a date, he allows himself to think.

It’s Emma that opens the door, and when he sees the same red dress that he remembers from last year’s concert, he’s glad he decided to go with the waistcoat — he would have been undoubtedly under-dressed without it.

Because, damn is she perfect, her golden hair falling softly over her shoulders and her lips a shade of red almost as vibrant as her dress. He tries his best to hide it, but his breath gets trapped in his chest.

She smiles. “Hey.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Killian, speak. He clears his throat. “Uh, hi. Is the lad almost ready?”

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Henry yells from just out of Killian’s sight, most likely from around the corner in the living room.

“How are you feeling, Henry?” Killian asks just as he comes around the corner, the bowtie of his suit unbuttoned but otherwise looking incredibly dapper from his gelled-back hair to the tips of his polished dress shoes.

He shrugs. “A little nervous, I guess, but that’s normal, right?”

Killian smiles. “Aye. Completely normal. But I know you’re going to be exceptional.”

At this, Henry smiles, slipping past Killian and out the front door. “Thanks. Now let’s go!”

Emma fiddles with her nails when she’s nervous. This is something Killian learns very quickly, sitting beside her in one of the front rows of the auditorium, especially after having noticed it in the car on the way here. It doesn’t distract him, per se; instead, it gives him something to focus on instead of his own nerves, the shaking of his leg, chewing on his bottom lip.

“He’s going to do great,” Mary Margaret says from the other side of Emma, probably sensing her nervousness the same way.

“Oh, I’m sure he is,” Emma says, never taking her eyes off of the index finger she is focused on. “I just—” she lets out her breath through pursed lips, turning to look over her shoulder to where Neal is sitting at the end of the row behind them. Killian follows her gaze there, only to watch his attention turn from the cell phone in his hand to the watch on his wrist. “He wants to tell Henry tonight, that he’s accepted his father’s job offer. He leaves at the end of the month, but I told him he wasn’t allowed to ruin Henry’s concert by telling him before it. I can’t really even argue with it, he at least listened to what I told him.”

“Oh, Emma,” Mary Margaret mutters, setting one of her hands on top of Emma’s, which halts her ability to pick at the skin around her index finger.

“I’ve always been surprised he stuck around this long in the first place,” David— helpfully— adds, arms crossed over his chest.

Killian can feel the daggers that Mary Margaret shoots at her husband when she turns to him.

Emma manages to let out a single, breathy laugh, shaking her head. “You’re right, though, David. I never expected him to stay around after we broke up, so the fact that he’s waited this long is a bit of a miracle.”

“That’s not going to make it any easier for Henry, though,” Mary Margaret comments.

Emma just shrugs, but when she goes to respond, the house lights quickly dim to black, the spotlight shining on Belle French, the school librarian and interim principal, standing at the podium. In moments, the entire room is hushed.

“Thank you all for coming out tonight,” she says, the gooseneck mic only catching the last few words, the auditorium humming with low feedback. “As you all know, we here in Storybrooke love to do all we can to ensure students have the opportunities to practice the arts they choose, and music is at the core of this. Every year, we are proud to hold this showcase for our elementary students, giving them the opportunity to show off their talents to the community, as well as our elementary band and orchestra groups, who have all been practicing regularly since at least the beginning of the year. To open our concert for tonight, we have the elementary orchestra group, led by our music teacher, Miss Tink Greene.”

The auditorium fills with applause as the spotlight fades away and the curtains open to reveal a stage full of musicians, smiling out at their families and friends in the audience. When Emma turns her attention to Killian out of the corner of her eye, the smile spread across his face conjures one of her own. He looks so proud, with many of the students on the stage students of his own.

Halfway through the second song, Mary Margaret leans towards Emma, setting her hand on her arm. “I always forget just how awful elementary orchestra concerts are,” she whispers.

Emma lets out a light laugh, nodding. “Like, I’m glad Henry found something he enjoys doing, don’t get me wrong, but listening to him play a botched song on a piano and listening to a bunch of them play half-tuned violins are two different worlds.”

“Swan,” Killian whispers, his eyes never leaving the stage, even as he reaches over to set his hand on her arm. “Shush.”

Even as she rolls her eyes, Emma can’t help but smile at him. But she also can’t help herself from leaning closer to Mary Margaret and whispering, “Killian wants us to stop talking.”

He doesn’t even try to hide his sigh, but he doesn’t move to respond to her.

He leaves his hand on her arm, though.

Neither of them seem to care. Neither of them make a move.

The second song comes to an end, and they quickly begin the third — the final song, Emma is relieved to hear.

They’re followed by a blonde girl in a bright red shirt and black slacks, who plays “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” on her cello; a small group of students introduced as the “elementary jazz band” who play a somewhat-recognizable jazzy rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”; and a trio that plays “I Saw Three Ships” in a round on their flute, clarinet, and violin.

Killian, of course, knows many of them, whispering things like, “Her mother tried to ask me out during one of our lessons,” and “They have the cutest little dog that really likes to lick my legs when they bring it with to pick him up,” when they are introduced.

(Emma wonders what Killian would say about her if he were whispering to someone else.)

And then next up is Henry. When the curtain opens, she doesn’t realize that she has changed her grip to holding Killian’s hand in her own — or, at least, one of them moved to hold the hand of the other — until she feels the way he straightens his shoulders, sucks in a breath between his teeth. But when she turns to him, taking her eyes away from her son, getting ready to perform, for just a moment, he meets her eyes.

Smiles.

Winks.

(The bastard.)

And turns back to the stage.

She’s glad they’re in a darkened auditorium, because she feels the way her face warms at the realization, hopes that Mary Margaret can’t hear the pounding in her chest that is only silenced when Henry starts to play, Violet playing along with him.

It’s much better than the sound of the full orchestra, Emma notices almost immediately, or any of the other groups that have played. It at least doesn’t sound like a bunch of screaming, dying animals.

Just sitting there watching him, she is overwhelmed by a sense of pride, something that washes over her like a wave as his fingers move perfectly across the piano keys. (Sure, it might not be completely perfect, maybe a handful of notes a little off between the two of them, but Emma doesn’t care.)

Killian turns to her, just slightly, if only because he knows just how bright the smile spread across her face has to be.

(He’s right.)

It warms him. It makes his heart pound in his chest, just how happy her happiness makes him. Of course, that’s not the point of taking on dedicated students like Henry, but if one of the perks of being able to share the joy of music with the lad is spending time with (falling absolutely head over heels for) his mother, he will certainly be the last to complain.

But, in looking over at her, he also happens to glance over her shoulder, where Neal is still sitting at the end of the aisle behind them.

Not even looking at the stage, his cell phone still in his hand.

Over the shoulders of Emma and Mary Margaret, David makes eye contact with him, raising one of his eyebrows in question, which Killian only responds to by nodding in Neal’s direction. David turns around, and Killian can tell by the rise and fall of his shoulders that he sighs. When he turns towards Killian again, he rolls his eyes.

The last group to play is the elementary band, who proves to be much easier on the ears than the orchestra. It’s not very large, just a dozen or so students spread across the three rows of chairs, with three percussionists standing in front of various instruments at the back of the stage.

And then, after the first song, out come the recorders.

It appears Emma spoke (thought?) too soon, trying her best not to wince through their rendition of “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas,” thankfully aided by some of the other band members to make it somewhat less terrible — but by a very small margin.

(Killian, however, does not have the same self-control, and every scrunch of his face is paired with the tightening of his hand, which still happens to be wrapped around Emma’s — though neither of them are complaining.)

The first words out of Neal’s mouth, while everyone else praises his performance, are, “You ready to get out of here, kid?”

The question is met with a glare from the rest of the group, all except Henry who just looks confused.

“Aren’t we taking some of my friends? We have to wait for them.”

Neal sighs, looking at his watch. “Well, can you rally them together? I have to be up early tomorrow so I don’t want to be out too late.”

“If you want us to, David and I would be willing to take Henry instead,” Mary Margaret says, her grip on David’s hand tightening to stop him from reacting.

Henry doesn’t answer, just turns his attention up at Neal, as if waiting to see how he responds.

He grinds his teeth together. “No, of course I’ll take him, I just — it’s been a long week and I’m a little exhausted.”

“I’m gonna go find Avery and Violet,” Henry says, obviously a little let down by Neal’s response, before walking away from the group — and, now that he’s gone, Emma allows herself to finally respond to him.

“I can’t believe you!”

Neal just rolls his eyes. Killian feels his jaw tighten, and David crosses his arms across his chest.

“God, Emma, just stop overreacting. You all knew this was going to happen someday, even Henry.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to tell him today. He just had his first performance, his first solo, and all he wants from you is for you to be proud of him, not to hear that you’re moving away.”

“Listen, you told me I had to wait until after the concert. The concert is over.”

“You know damn well this isn’t what I meant!” Emma moves to lunge towards him, but Killian catches her arm, holding her back.

“Not here, love,” he whispers. For a moment, Emma’s eyes are wide with anger, but when they meet his, they soften, and she nods.

Neal scoffs. “You want to call me out for being inappropriate, yet here you are, dating Henry’s music teacher.”

Mary Margaret rolls her eyes.

We’re not dating. Killian feels the words on the tip of his tongue, but he bites them back — this is neither the time nor the place, and besides—

“That’s none of your damn business, first of all,” Emma bites. "I will kiss and date and sleep with whoever the hell I want to, you have no say in it anymore."

"You slept with him?!"

"Again, it's none of your business whether I did or not, Neal. That's the point. God, I don’t have the patience to deal with you right now. Just make sure Henry gets to soccer practice on time tomorrow, please.”

“Now you’re going to tell me how to be his dad? Like I haven’t been doing it for ten years?”

Killian has a feeling that if his hand weren’t still wrapped around Emma’s wrist, she would have lunged again.

“Come on, Emma, let’s go,” David says, stepping between them. “He’s not worth it,” he whispers.

Still, Emma doesn’t move.

Killian tugs on her hand. “Come on, love.”

She takes a breath, apparent by the rise and fall of her shoulders, before she nods, finally turning back to face him.

“Yeah. Okay.”

They find Henry in the music room behind the auditorium, gathering his belongings. “Hey, kid,” Emma calls, walking towards him. “We’re gonna head out, okay?”

He whips around, stopping in the middle of his conversation with Avery. “Okay!” He rushes across the music room to wrap his arms around Emma’s middle. “Thanks again for coming!”

“Of course we came, lad,” Killian says, mussing his hair with a smile.

“We wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Mary Margaret chirps from behind them.

“But you have fun with your dad, alright?” Emma says. “Want me to take your dress shoes home?”

“I don’t want to stay at dad’s tonight, I want to come home with you.”

“Henry, come on, we talked about this already. Your dad asked for you to stay there tonight even though it’s not his night, and you have practice in the morning anyway. Please?”

Suddenly, his eyes light up. “Why? Are you two going on a date?”

David scoffs. Mary Margaret laughs, quickly covering her mouth with her hand. Killian is useless against the drop of his jaw. But it’s Emma’s answer that Henry laughs at: “What? No, come on, we’re—we’re—” she stutters.

Henry puts his hands on his hips, his eyebrows high on his forehead. Killian recognizes the look immediately; he’s gotten the exact look from Emma before, on quite a few occasions.

“I can assure you, lad, I’m just taking your mother home.”

This time, it’s David who laughs, just a single bark — but it’s all Killian needs to really hear what he has just said, and he quickly feels as heat rises to the tips of his ears.

But Henry doesn’t hear it that way, thankfully, and instead flashes a large smile at them. “Then you can just take me home, too.”

“Henry, please,” Emma says, crossing her arms over her chest. Henry’s smile disappears, and he nods even as his gaze falls to the ground.

“Okay, mom.”

He goes to turn away from them, but Emma reaches out to put her arm on his shoulder. “Hey,” she whispers, waiting for him to look back up at her before she smiles. ‘C’mere,” she whispers, leaning down as she holds her arms out to him.

Henry complies, even managing to crack a smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow after practice, alright?”

“You’ll pick me up?”

“Sure. I’ll be there.”

“Thanks, mom.”

After quickly hugging Mary Margaret and high-fiving David and Killian, the four of them make their way out of the building to their cars.

“So, are you guys going on a date?” The question practically explodes out of Mary Margaret, and David is useless against the smile that spreads across his face.

“No,” Emma says, but Killian takes a chance and shrugs.

“What do you say, Swan? Want to get something to eat?”

No one looks more surprised by this turn of events than Emma herself. Killian’s glad they’re out from under the harsh phosphorescence of the school lights so the redness of his face is (hopefully) less obvious.

David’s eyebrows fly up his forehead. “Do I have to give you guys the talk?”

Killian doesn’t know how to respond, truthfully; instead, Emma hits his arm with the back of her hand. “Oh my god, David.”

Mary Margaret giggles — honest-to-God giggles.

“We’re leaving now,” Emma says, and Killian certainly doesn’t argue.

“So, do you want to eat, or not?” Killian asks, finally breaking the silence in the car as they pull out of the parking lot.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Emma mumbles, failing to hide the way she fiddles with her nails. “Wherever you want to go.”

He smiles. “I know just the place.”

Much to Emma’s surprise, he takes them home. To his house, more specifically, though for a moment she fears that he will drop her off at her front door and disappear forever. Instead, he holds open his front door for her, as nervous as she is.

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asks, helping her shrug out of her coat, which he then drapes over the back of a dining room chair. “Water? Wine? I probably have some whiskey somewhere around here, if you’re looking for something harder.”

Emma smiles, finding his obvious nerves charming. “Wine would be great.”

He hums, pulling a bottle of white out of the fridge. Of course, with the way his nerves have been acting up, he’s surprised he hasn’t already started rambling, so he’s not surprised when he opens his mouth and is unable to stop words from falling from his lips. “Liam always told me that the best way to impress a lady is to cook for her, but I was probably not supposed to divulge that information on a first date.” He hands her the glass of wine, then pours one for himself. “I was half-hoping this is where we ended up, you know. That’s why I prepared a little bit, why I thawed this piece of salmon and made sure I had what I needed for my mother’s favorite pasta recipe.” Quickly, he turns to face her, unable to stop his hand from scratching the spot behind his ear. “I hope that’s okay, now that I’m thinking about it, I never even asked—”

Emma holds her hand out, resting it against his hand on the counter. “Killian,” she says softly, and between that and her smile, he snaps his mouth shut. “Whatever you have planned, I’m sure it will be perfect.”

He wants to dive across the kitchen counter and kiss her right there, the salmon be damned. But that’s not what he does, holding himself back. Instead, he just smiles at her.

“You have too much faith in me, love,” he says, forcing himself to move to begin readying dinner.

“Maybe I’ve just gotten to know you enough to be sure that I can trust you.”

God, I love this woman, he thinks to himself, only allowing himself to pause for a moment as the realization hits him, knowing that more will draw her attention for sure. And if he called her out, asked what he was thinking about, he’s not sure he would be able to stop himself from telling her.

Because it’s true, he realizes — there’s no use hiding from it anymore. It’s true that he has fallen absolutely in love with Emma Swan, and there’s no going back now.

But the silence of the kitchen — of the whole house — gets to him before the oven is even preheated, and he has to find something to talk about before he absolutely loses his mind.

“Your lad did a great job tonight, you know,” he says, daring to glance at her over his shoulder, if only to catch the smile that he knows is on her face.

“Well, he had an incredible teacher,” she says.

“That may be true, love, but he had real talent when he started.”

“Which really is a surprise.” Emma tells him, not for the first time. “I know neither Neal or I have any musical ability, or Neal’s dad. Mary Margaret used to play the flute, but she’s not actually family, and probably hasn’t picked one up since college.”

“I know you never knew them, but maybe it’s from one of your parents.” This time, when he glances over his shoulder, she has her thumbnail between her front teeth, so he adds, “Or maybe it’s just him. It’s not unheard of.”

She attempts to smile, but it doesn’t stick. He doesn’t know what else to say, so he turns back to the counter, adding the last few sprigs of rosemary to the pan with the salmon before sticking it in the oven.

“That’ll take a little while longer than the pasta, so I’m going to wait a bit before I start that,” he starts, but when he turns back to her, she’s gone.

Shit.

“Okay,” she calls from the living room, which slows the terrified pounding of his heart almost immediately. Even after months of friendship with Emma Swan, he still somehow thought she would have walked out on him.

“So we, uh, have a little bit of time,” he says, finding his own glass of wine before following her voice into the living room. Much to his surprise, she’s sitting on the piano bench, her long, thin fingers moving gently across the keys, but not making a sound.

“You know,” she says, turning towards him as he fills the space between them. “I do know how to play one thing on the piano.” With a shy smile, she moves over on the bench to give him room to sit with her, patting it gently when he doesn’t move to join her.

But he’s useless against her, and can fight it no longer, so he does, trying to focus on something other than the warmth of her leg pressed against his. “Oh yeah? What is that?”

He's afraid to hear the answer, knows what she's about to play down deep in his soul, but he still cringes when he hears the first few notes: “Heart and Soul.”

"Anything but that, love. Literally anything."

“I don’t know about you, Killian Jones,” Emma says, letting him slip her jacket back over her arms before he leads her to the door. “But I don’t think I’ve ever had a better first date.” Even in the low light of the entryway, Killian knows that Emma can see the blush rising to his cheeks. “And I know I said it before, but that pasta was incredible. Really, one of the best things I’ve ever tasted.”

“Well, thank you, Swan,” he says, ducking his head to avoid her bright eyes. “I’m glad you think so. Both about the pasta and the date.”

“I may even let you walk me home.”

He’s at a loss for words — and even questions his own ability to speak when she follows up by running her tongue across her bottom lip.

“It would be my pleasure.”

“You’re a true gentleman, Killian Jones.”

“Always.” He even feels brave enough to wink at her, holding open the front door to let her through.

Their walk across the street is silent, save the light chuckle Killian allows when Emma threads her arm through his.

“This is my stop,” she says, turning to face him on her front porch. But instead of moving to open the door, she reaches out to take one of his hands in hers. Then the other.

“Yeah, I should, uh, let you get home,” he says, realizing that it is, in fact, the very last thing he wants to do.

She looks up at him, her green eyes bright in the front lights. “Yeah,” she whispers, barely audible. Swipes her tongue across her bottom lip again. And then leans forward, letting go of one of his hands only to wrap hers around his neck, and presses her lips against his. It’s soft, it’s gentle, it’s —

Perfect. Everything he imagined kissing Emma Swan would be.

And that’s why he loses himself in it, in her, for just a moment, living for the swipe of her tongue against his, before backing away. She takes a deep breath before opening her eyes, a soft smile spread across her lips.

“I don’t usually do this on a first date, love,” he whispers, leaning closer to her so he can rest his forehead against hers.

“Me neither,” she says back, her smile growing. “So take me out again tomorrow night and we can do it again.”

“Deal.”

She kisses him again, a single peck on the lips, and turns away.

tags: @let-it-raines @shireness-says @wellhellotragic @ultraluckycatnd @stahlop @kmomof4 @teamhook @profdanglaisstuff @thisonesatellite @superchocovian @carpedzem @darkcolinodonorgasm @resident-of-storybrooke @lfh1226-linda @singersdd @tiganasummertree @alexannam16 @therealstartraveller776 @spartanguard @jennjenn615 @pepperspotts

#my writing #megan writes things #megan finishes things #wordsbymeganmichael #cs fics #cs ff #captain swan #I don't even know how to tag things anymore

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girloikawa · 4 years

Text

carry on youtuber au

baz starts out as a cover artist, occasionally posting his own songs (he does violin stuff too)

but eventually he gets recognition and people are like “who is this person?????” so baz does a few q&as

oh BUT THEN he reveals that he also has so many other interests (books, movies, planting, coffee, Controversal Topics) that people want him to do other types of videos

and that is what starts baz on the long road of his channel basically being an everything bagel where he does a bit of everything and people find it very chill

agatha and baz become friends over their mutual love of gossip in the community (as long as they’re not apart of it)

(because baz and agatha and simon and penny aren’t problematic)

which brings me to agatha, she’s one of those channels that keep everyone updated on the drama and the shitty stuff that happens on YouTube as long as regular media

very opinionated, this gal is, so she shares her opinion on...everything

though, sometimes she’ll do a q&a and do her makeup and talk about fashion or what she’s into at the moment

she’s basically angelika oles

penny’s a booktuber!!!

she mostly reads and reviews fantasy books, as they are her favorite, but she’ll also do those videos where it’s like “i just read a shitty wattpad romance story, let me rant” or “my top ten favorite ya pairings” or “tier ranking every harry potter character because life has no meaning”

now, simon, the babe, he’s (and you cannot fight me on this) basically jenna marbles

his videos are so random and spurratic, he doesn’t even plan what his next video is, and he’s the youtuber

i would also like to point out that simon probably totally has adhd and would talk about it and his experience with it

his most popular videos are of him baking. he’s like (and hear me out) very good and very bad at it. like, all throughout the videos, everybody’s holding their breath’s like “oh no this is going to turn out terribly” because simon being in the kitchen is like a horse babysitting a dog, it’s a mess, however the end product is always perfect and amazing and by the end everybody’s drooling behind their screens

simon is also widely conceived as the weirdest straight guy ever. like people (from just looking at him) think he’s just So Striaght but a very Cool Straight Guy who people wouldn’t actually mind being around

simon has the most subscribers (the majority being that they find him funny and see him as a friend, the minority being people who think he’s Hot As Hell and okay yeah he’s a good person too but have you seen those freckles-)

then it’s baz because he actually started first and his following has been a journey, then agatha (she’s the newest, and her subscriber rate is growing rapidly), then penny (booktube is a small community sad face)

penny n simon are irl best friends and penny was the one who convinced simon to make a channel bc he needed something to help let out his energy, “plus it’s a little fun hobby”

snowbaz now :)

simon has followed baz from pretty much the beginning. he saw his cringy covers, his development as a songwriter, and the walls built around baz crumble over the camera

baz...well, he’s one of those people who think simon is Hot As Hell, but he also genuinely enjoys the videos. at first, baz was like “I’m not watching him, everybody watches him, and I’m different” so he always avoided the recommendations youtube gave him of simon’s videos (but it was also bc he didn’t want to confront that he was very attracted to simon)

and then, one fateful night, agatha sent baz a link to a video called “coming out” and under the link she wrote “youtube angel!”—that’s their nickname for simon—“shocking the world!”

baz click click clicked because hot guy is lgbt+????? and baz watched the video, commenting “proud of you” or something along those lines, and then he watched so, so many more of simon’s videos

simon, a boy who just came out as bisexual, just had his youtube hero comment on his video where he came out and is like !!!!!!

simon’s sexual awakening is baz

also, simon breaks the internet with that video, because he isn’t striaght and that’s so mind-boggling to everybody. but there’s always that one group of people who are like “i saw this coming. do you not remember that one time simon showed his socks and his jeans were cuffed-”

simon replies to baz’s comment and is like “oh my god thank you so much. you’re like my actual favorite youtuber” like a fucking Nut and people see that and say “omg collab” because they’re both relatively high status youtubers and their collab would be Powerful

then, summoning all his courage, simon dms baz on instagram with just a simple “hey, a lot of people are saying we should collab lmao”

“i’ve seen that” “heh uhm yeah” “maybe we could get to know each other and see if that would be a good idea” “yes! i’d love that”

and they do. they get really close and stuff,, but people don’t exactly...see that

you see, on twitter, they get in millions of arguments. people genuinely think that they hate each other to some extent, when in reality, they’re swooning at the sight of the three dot bubble

baz, on twitter: “you cannot tell me that people actually enjoy sparkling water. it’s trash, move on” (they had an argument over it, privately, and baz is making it public to cause a rise out of simon bc he finds angry simon cute)

simon, in response: “yo I’m throwing you in the trash as we speak. fuhhhck u”

so, when they collab for the first time, everybody at home is just like *shocked pikachu emoji* they end up doing a video where simon bakes baz’s mom’s recipe of cherry scones with baz. it’s kind of a big deal bc both simon and baz don’t want to ruin baz’s memory of his mother

in the end, baz tears up and gives si a big ass hug because they’re perfect, simon. i love them, thank you. the fans start shipping. hard. it’s simon’s highest viewed video

that surprise hug is also what makes simon realize that his feelings are much deeper than attraction and surface level forms of knowing someone

on baz’s channel, they were going to film a video where they talked about their experiences being queer, but then simon realized that his biggest, most prominent example was staring at baz’s jawline, so he had to be like “uhhh, actually, I’m not really comfortable with that yet” which is part true. instead, they do a video where they have argumentative discussions, like on twitter but in depth and with less insults

anyways, they receive pretty positive feedback on the videos, people enjoy them, so they decide to do more. also, they both live in LA, so it’s actually pretty easy to do them, plus they have a diverse area to do them in

also, i think it’d be nice to mention that simon will sometimes do twitch streams of him playing minecraft and then he puts edited versions on his channel. it’s worth mentioning because during this one stream, he ends up slipping up and saying “we talk a lot, actually. and i—i like him a lot” about baz, then he blushes like hell because i really just said that and it’s live oh god

all the while, baz and simon actually just start hanging out (without hiding behind wanting to do a video). one meet-up, they go to disney world and halfway through baz is like “uh, should we be filming this?” and simon gives him a smile and replies, “no” because that moment is for them and them only + the fans who see them together and ask for a picture/just take pictures of them being like a couple

their next collab is a bit of a fun one. behind the scenes, pen, ag, si, and baz all become friends, because of that one time baz came over while penny was there and he barely payed attention to simon, too busy talking to penny. anyways, they do a big four person collab where agatha basically teaches them how to do makeup

on penny’s channel, it’s book related. they have to do a look based on the synopsis’ of each other’s favorite books. baz gets simon, simon gets agatha, agatha gets penny, penny gets baz. baz: “snow, you’re holding it wrong. it’s like this” simon: *stares longingly at the brush that gets to touch baz’s face*

on agatha’s, the video is just titled Teaching My Friends To Do Makeup (ft. idiots who test my patience). they all suck. majorly. well, by all, i mean simon and penny suck at makeup

on baz’s, they do a trivia of sorts. if they get a question wrong, they have to skip a product. simon: “oh thank god less work” agatha, deadpanning: “i think i might kill him”

on simon’s, they have agatha and penny go against simon and agatha. si and pen being the ones who have to actually do makeup because, according to agatha, “since you decided to bitch so much, you guys are doing our makeup” “but-!” “nope, I’m Peak Brains of us all so I call the shots” “you’re not even-” “shut up” Everybody (and by everybody i mean the fans) is actually glad that they got to see simon doing baz’s makeup, because it’s literally them just being so flustered the whole time

the collab stuns everybody bc: “they’re all friends??????” plus, some people start calling them the Four Fucks because at one point penny says “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and most importantly, fuck me” after simon flinged a bunch of eyeshadow on her

okay so agatha and penny are just like: “these idiots need to get together already” because it’s very obvious that they like each other. like the eiffel tower in paris, you can’t miss it. everyone watching the videos also sees it, so you can imagine the comments

during one of si’s live-streams (he’s playing the hunger games minigame on minecraft), the chat goes wild because baz pops in. he plans on surprising simon with a picnic (he just thought that they could go into simon’s backyard or the park that’s a few miles away), but it was pretty spur of the moment so he didn’t think about simon doing a stream. and to be honest, simon’s stream was also spur of the moment, so it’s not like he made sure to tell baz about it

“simon! hey, i let myself in!” baz called from the front doorway. the chat is freaking because: “is that baz???” “omg baz has a key to simon’s house!!” “are they dating???” simon kind of just freezes up and starts sputtering as he reads the chat and tries to reply to baz

of course, baz doesn’t understand that simon doesn’t want baz to go into his office/room with his computer, so he does go in and as soon as he sees the livestream he’s like: “oh, uh, I’ll go” and simon unfreezes and goes “no, no, stay, I’ll just be a bit” “do you want me to...leave the room?” “you can watch if you want” (baz wants) “okay, sure” so simon pretty much shows baz how to play minecraft

i never finished this, do i?

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lingdidi · 3 years

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Hehehe then, dear love counselor berry, what about your mutuals × golcha!!! Just like the cix one you did? 💖💖💖💕💞💖💗💕💞

mY DEAR KEE!!! thank you for sending this hehe i’m sorry it took me so long to get to it but !! finally here it is!! once again........ i................. actually don’t have that many mutuals who stan golcha. i’d say it’s only you and isa,,,, so to compensate that it’s only two people i will do once again who you are most compatible with and who you are more similar to!

i LOVE being called love counselor i will make myself a business card that says “Love Counselor Berry (20 years of expertise). Contact @lingdidi (tblr) for professional love counseling”.

ANYWAYS here’s a read more for anyone who’s not interested!

KEE ( @inspiricons )

MOST SIMILAR: Bae Seungmin !

I was the most unsure of this choice because in my opinion you’re not that much similar to any member in golcha? I know it’s weird because there’s a lot of members and there should be anyone but it really was really hard to choose esp because many members gave me the same vibe and i felt they didn’t fit with yours! I chose Seungmin because you’re both!! Very sweet !! He gets shy at people calling him cute things or cute in general and so do you yet both of you (secretly or not so secretly) love it and that’s quite endearing ajkdnksjf also the tiny energy you both exude... i’m so sorry seungmin but it makes me want to baby you and protect you even though i am so much aware that you’re both older than me (and for you it’s ok because you wouldn’t mind it and i know but seungmin idk how he’d like being babied HAHA) you both are kinda shy in a cute way and i feel like you would be the kind to like?? sometimes get a bit carried away with your emotions and maybe if you’re upset you’d both have a hard time trying not to be mean without really wanting to and then you’d regret it a lot?? but it’s ok, as always, as long as it’s something you can learn from and improve. also needless to say because of course he’s an idol group member but you both’s dream is related to music so !! that’s really precious and i’m supporting the both of you in that pursue hehe. also i feel like you two are so great and nice and talented yet?? it goes kind of unnoticed amidst the other members and other people :/ but not for mE i love you and seungmin thanks bye

MOST COMPATIBLE: Hong Joochan !

Are you surprised? Probably not asjfnsdjkf You probably know that usually I would equally ship you with Sungyoon or Joochan but to be honest?? Not in a bad way, but while I think wajoo would make the best+sweetest boyfriends out of all of golcha, there’s something colder about Sungyoon (once again, not in a bad way, they’re just different) while Joochan gives me a warmer vibe! It’s weird since Sungyoon is literally... a honeybunny (insert eye emoji here... i can’t bc i’m on pc sjkfndskj) but this sounds cheesy and weird to say but literally honey and sugar are a different type of sweet and to me Joochan is more sugar and somehow I feel that suits you more. There’s something that feels more emotional to me about Joochan and I feel like that?? would be good for you? Also you two not only are opposites according to the zodiac chart but you two are also opposites in some personality/attitude aspects. I don’t know how to explain really well yet at the same time I wouldn’t want to do it here because I feel it’d seem personal JDNJSDKF but yeah !! I think you and Joochan would take really good care of each other but I think especially he would really love and dote on someone like you a lot?? and I think that’d be something very positive for you, to have someone dependable like him that will also find you dependable because he’d trust you and love you blindly. Probably super thoughtful and attentive hehe sjfjdsnksj The only con I can think of right now is that, as proven by the famous donghyun+joochan fight... I feel like when angry or after the fight he’s the type to push you away until he’s calmed down (me too joojoo me too) while you don’t like leaving things unsolved even with a promise of fixing it later because later feels too uncertain. But I’m sure he’d make an effort to take care of things as soon as possible because he knows it’d be a sensitive issue and a big problem for you. Anyways a fight between you two would be veeery hard since you both are pretty chill and pacific in my opinion.

ISA ( @bluedelilah )

MOST SIMILAR: Bong Jaehyun !

YOU GET BONGO because you both are p silly, level: you both sometime ssay some silly (yet funny) stuff that maybe others wouldn’t say so casually or easily just like that one day we were playing the carrot-slicing minigame on wii party and when i was struggling you yelled at me “COME ON!! DO IT LIKE (i won’t say it for the sake of protecting her reputation but she knows what she said and me too and i’m actually laughing so hard right now)” and i went so weak laughing i couldn’t keep playing and i LOST the minigame horribly. Speaking of games! Jaehyun says he doesn’t play games but Donghyun (who would be me in an irl situation) says that he dOES and it reminds me of us hiding that we play ******** and in fact Jaehyun plays Kart Rider and so do you sometimes. You probs know but jaehyun along with the other 99' liners made an official subunit called googoos and that reminds me a lot of us and our squads like mississipi or the chengzeroppars. also I read he's friends with Haknyeon and i found it funny because we thought you'd be good friends with Haknyeon and we even called the lil pig plushie keyring you bought Juhaknyeon because of that KJDNKJFSNDJK also if i'm?? not mistaken?? doesn't he love harry potter too? he’s either you or your twin flame

MOST COMPATIBLE: Kim Jibeom !

I chose Jibeom straight away because, first reason, everyone says Jibeom is an angel and imo a patient+good man that will worry about you suits you a lot. I feel like he’d worry about you (not in an exaggerated dramatic way but as in, he’d take care about you) not even conscious of his own actions? As in he wouldn’t be like “I’m gonna do anything for you because I love you and I liek you being happy and I’m going to treat you right because I worry a lot and I do things consciously and I put effort knowingly” (even though that too) but it’s mostly because it?? comes natural to him?? he’s a caring person and he’ll be even more caring with you if you were his s/o. also he’s not just an angel but he’s also very funny in a non-overwhelming way so you two can do fun dumb stuff together and at the same time he seems mature enough so he’d be able to look after you well + also know you’re a strong independent woman and you two wouldn’t be depending on each other even though you obvs would love each other a lot and this is 10/10 tbh. I read that he studied chinese for ONE (1) month and I found it really funny because it reminded me of us in high school learning chinese on memrise in front of Wu Yu and showing everyone our incredible dialogue that just went “Hello!” “Hello, how are you?” “I’m okay, and you?” “I’m not okay :(” “Ohh *pat pat on the other’s shoulder* I’m sorry :(” “Thank you :)” and one day we realised we didn’t know how to say “You’re welcome” to complete the dialogue so we ran across the whole hallway to where Wu Yu was and asked him how to say it and he was very reluctant but in the end he did it. Therefore I can see you and Jibeom going all “Hello!” “Hello how are you?” “I’m fine and you-” SBJFDSFJSNJ you two invented chinese i guess Finally Jibeom is also part of the googoos so I think that could symbolise that you could be a best friends couple and that’s really nice

#love counselor berry

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creativityworks-sx · 4 years

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Paige Michel - 5 DJS on Instagram Live that bring the party to your house! - Dancehall & Soca Edition

For those of you that don’t know I am an Afro-Caribbean girl, my family originate from Jamaica, St. Lucia and Dominica. I am a care leaver, and my foster carer was from Barbados. I appreciate the beauty, arts and culture from the Caribbean. I love the music - I am a huge Bashment/Dancehall and Soca fan! Woi Yoii!

For two years, I was radio presenter and producer of a show I created with my two closest mates, Albert and Kaira, called URBAN P.A.K, at Surge – The University of Southampton’s official radio station. Together, we celebrated and showcased Black Music, Artists, DJs and Producers all over the world. Of course, I played all my favourite Dancehall, Soca and Afrobeats tunes, we played games live on air and I even hosted some quizzes too. We went to the R.U.M (Real Urban Music) events in our free time, to see the hottest artists and DJs live in clubs. It was such a lit experience!

The 5 DJs that are killing it on Instagram live right now are - DJ Supa Nytro, DJ Larni, DJ Nate, DJ Nassen and DJ Private Ryan! They are my Greater Londoners, because they have brought me and thousands of others so much joy, through Dancehall and Soca music, during lockdown. This Covid-19 crisis, has proven very difficult for self-employed creatives, like DJs, so please go check them out, show some love, book them for future events, and wuk up your waist lol!

1. DJ Supa Nytro :

Instagram: @SupaNytro

Twitter: @SupaNytro

I went to Manchester Carnival for the first time in August ‘19. Not gonna lie, it didn’t compare to Notting Hill Carnival, but I still had a brilliant time. My makeup was on point, purple glitter on my water line to match my purple ombre hair. I was palancing, jumping up, and throwing colourful powder everywhere like it was jouvert! The rum punch was sweet (and cheap... not overpriced like London lol)! The patties were delicious too. I watched the showcase of Manchester’s mas bands, their local musicians, and dancers. I was dancing with my cousin Bertha, to all the DJ sets. This is when I came across DJ Supa Nytro – and OMG, his set was everythingggg, playing all my favourite songs! He had his dancers with him - Miss Rose was my favourite. Lol, I like how he’s always wearing his customised hats and tops with his name on it – I see you! I loved DJ Supa Nytro’s set so much, I just had to get a pic with him! (Go check it out on my insta!) I’ve been going to see him play at Dancehall events in London ever since.

I tuned in to DJ Supa Nytro’s Instagram Live one Friday Night, and I am so glad I did! I realised he is not only a DJ, he is a host too. He has no filter, which makes him absolutely hilarious. He initiated conversation like ‘who are your Top 5 Dancehall artists?’. I was definitely engaged in his conversations, and intrigued to see others opinions on the Instagram Live chat. I said my favourites right now are:

1. Vybz Kartel A.K.A ‘THE WORL’ BOSS!’

2. Popcaan

3. Alkaline

4. Aidonia

5. Dexta Daps

I also mentioned there’s a difference between my top favourite Dancehall artists right now and of all time. What we could all agree on was the fact that Vybz Kartel is the King of Dancehall – Awaoh! As a Dancehall music lover, and a history student - I really appreciated Supa Nytro’s Dancehall History quiz. He really got me thinking. I was singing along to all the bangers he was playing. His Movado set was excellent, bringing back some old tunes, and bringing back some old memories lol! You know how a song has the power to remind you of a person, a place or time in your life. I can’t wait for Supa Nytro’s next live!

2. DJ Larni – ‘Him nuh normal!’:

Instagram: @Dj_Larni

Twitter: @Dj_Larni

I have been to quite a few Dancehall events with my friends Channon, Aisha, Mercedes and Tiana, like Bashment Central. It was here I heard DJ Larni’s set and yasss he was superb! I’ve since, followed him on Soundcloud, so I can hear his mixes in my day-to-day life, like when I’m doing my makeup looks or travelling on the tube etc. Sometimes I feel to just bruck out on the train, because woii the tunes are too lit!

It was a dry quarantine Friday night and I was scrolling through my Insta, as you do. I was checking who was on live and I saw DJ Larni was online. The energy he was giving through the phone was madddd! He’s an amazing host, and knows how to entertain his audience. He’s hella funny too – just freee and crazyyy, I love it. I like how his room was dark, lit with blue party lights, giving us that club feel. DJ Larni is innovative – he requested ladies who love to dance to dancehall music, to join his Instagram live. Seeing the ladies skin out and bruck out really gave us that dancehall experience! He also engages with his listeners, telling everyone to bring their flag to rep their country, just like you would at a Caribbean carnival. DJ Larni’s liveliness is a vibe, really contagious. His Insta live party was tun up!

3. DJ Nate:

Instagram: @DjNateUK

Twitter: @DjNateUK

I have been listening to DJ Nate’s mixes on Soundcloud for a long time. I love his ‘Dancehall and Chill’ mixes. I like that some of his mixes specifically focus on one Dancehall artist at a time i.e his 100% Dexta Daps, Popcaan and Alkaline mixes– some of my favourite artists. Last year, I attended DJ Nate’s Caribbean Rocks Festival with my cousin Bertha and it was amazing! I wasn’t feeling too well at this time, but I said nahhh, there’s no way I’m missing it. Never that! I had the pleasure of seeing so many artists perform live like The Rara, Alicai Harley and Dexta Daps. I was gutted when I found out Shensea could not make it, but I had a fantastic time, nevertheless! Dancehall a mi everything!

I saw DJ Nate’s Instagram Live and I was really feeling it! It was the day he was wearing his Vans vest lol. He was doing a Soca special and the tunes were fireee. The comment section on his live was going off. Bare girls putting the gyal on headtop emoji lool! People were absolutely loving the music he was playing. People from all over the world were tuned in and having a lovely time. DJ Nate was telling us to go get a drink, to give it that party vibe. I think something a little stronger than orange juice lol. Then, he put on a Soca song called Party Bad – Mr Killa and Legz. Woiiiii, I really enjoyed myself!

4. DJ Nassen:

Instagram: @NassenUK

Twitter: @NassenUK

Back in Summer ‘19, when we could actually leave the house and live our best lives, I went on a couple dates lol! There was one fineee assss guy I met up with, and we had some good conversations, like our music interests. We discovered we both liked Soca and woiii that made my day. Anyway, the point is he told me to check out his cousin, DJ Nassen, for the hottest new soca tracks - and the rest was history! I love DJ Nassen’s Notting Hill Carnival 2019 Soca Mix on Soundcloud. I’ve been getting hype to all the jab jab music! Bringing back some good memories of my time with my friends at Dreamland Jouvert ’19 and Notting Hill Carnival ’19. Woii!

I was checking out DJ Nassen’s Instagram Live one Friday Night and it was poppin! He calls it Lockdown Fridays, with his host Mist Hooli. Mista Hooli was his hype man, making the party lit! I appreciate when creatives join forces to make magic – so thank you to them both. I was really whining on my sofa lol, I had that Jamish feeling! I was putting hella fire emojis in his Instagram Live comment section. DJ Nassen was really moving them hips lol, when he was playing his set, really grooving to the music. Some of my favourite soca songs, DJ Nassen played were:

Head or Tail - Lavaman ft Mr Legz

Famalay – Skinny Fabulous, Machel Montano & Bunji Garlin

Run Wid It – Mr Killa

Wet It Up – Zeek ft Shal Marshall

Bend Dong For Di Hmm – Krome ft Nassis

If you haven’t heard of these songs, go have a listen - I’m sure you’ll enjoy them…(unless your anti-Soca like Marv Abbey looool)!

5. DJ Private Ryan:

Instagram: @DjPrivateRyan

Twitter: @DjPrivateRyan

One day I just typed in Soca Mixes on Youtube, and DJ Private Ryan came up. I listened to his Soca Starter mixes, and loved them. When I went to my friend’s sleepover a few months back, we were dancing like crazy to Private Ryan’s mixes, having the time of our life. Lol, I’m so unfit, I was out of breath. Dancing to Soca music is really a workout and a half, which is great for your daily exercise intake. I followed Dj Private Ryan on Instagram not too long ago, and my guy is verified, a whole blue tick you know. Big up yourself, a great achievement!

I saw DJ Private Ryan’s live on Instagram and it was great! He calls it Freestyle Friday! He was playing a range of music from old school to new school, and a mixture of Dancehall, Soca, Afrobeats and RnB – The listeners were loving the versatility! In his comment section, many people thanked him for his mixes, as it was helping them pass time during quarantine. What I love about Private Ryan’s live is the inclusivity. He asks his listeners to send him song requests, which he plays, which makes it that much more personalised and special. You’ll definitely have a Fete in your house, tuning in to DJ Private Ryan’s Instagram live!

Many Dancehall and Soca events, like carnivals, have been postponed or put on hold due to the outbreak of Covid-19. So, this has left many of us feeling down in the dumps and disappointed. DJs using the Live feature on Instagram has been a great alternative, to bring the good music, and positive vibes to us. I have noticed, that some of these DJs Instagram live’s overlap with each other on Friday nights. But not to worry, if you do miss it, you can always listen back the next morning when they post it on their story or feed. So, go check out the 5 Djs that will bring the party to your house! – Dancehall and Soca edition. What are you waiting for!

If you know any other amazing DJs you think I should check out on Instagram Live, please feel free to hit me up. Apart from Soca and Dancehall, I like Reggae, Afro-beats, Neo-soul, RnB, and Hip hop. Thanks!

By Paige Michel:

Insta: @ItsPaigeMichel

Twitter: @ItsPaigeMichel

#PaigeMichel CreativityWorks MediaTrust MT_Futures Music Dancehall Soca DJ

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faces-in-unexpected-places · 5 years

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[bllueart here ^^] for the pure asks: 🐝, 🍯, 🌧️, ❄️ (+ why), 💘 (if you want to, sounds fun to answer)

Hey Alexandra! Thanks for sending me some too! (PS I always thought your name was really cool)

🐝- describe your aesthetic in emojis🎵🔬😎📚👽🤖👾(My computer just gave my all my frequently used emojis which is pretty convenient!)

🍯- describe your favorite smellOh man, this one is tough because I actually don’t have a very good sense of smell, haha! I think one of the most notable ones to me that I like is the smell of early spring. At least in Ohio, early spring can still be a little chilly. Like JUST at the temperature where you contemplate wearing shorts, like 54ºF (12ºC). During the fall, leaves cover the ground, during the winter, snow does. But it’s all gone in the spring. It’s kind of like the weather equivalent of having just exfoliated; everything smells really fresh. You can smell the flowers blooming as they JUST come into full life. Same with the soil! Which, actually, fun fact, that “soil smell” that people know is produced by a certain kind of bacteria that lives in the dirt and is rapidly dividing and metabolising its energy sources. The smell is one of the byproducts!

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days?Oh, I loooooove rainy days! What DON’T I like to do is a better question. I have a lot of indoor hobbies (writing, playing music, composing music on the computer, reading when I can, video games also when I can etc), so if it’s rainy all day, I’ll probably do all of those! Kind of like a to-do list, haha. But, you know, the reason I love rainy days to begin with isn’t so I can stay inside; it’s so I can watch it! If I’m in a house that has a porch, I always want to just sit out on the porch and watch the rain. I love the sound that surrounds you, the coolness that refreshes the earth, the mist that fills the porch. Rain and clouds are so relaxing and interesting!

❄️- what is your favorite season? (+ why)This is tough; they are all so nice. If I had to pick only one, I would say… Winter. It lasts a long time, and it can be a little much sometimes, but there are so many things I like about it. Snow is so pretty, I can wear such cooler clothes in the colder months, I love taking walks at night when nobody is outside and there’s just heaps of snow covering peoples yards and the street. I like to pretend I’m the only person in the world, just sharing the moment with the earth. It’s also easiest to listen to music in the winter because my headphones keep my ears warm!

💘- 3 ways to win your heart?Oh boy here we go, haha!

1.) Well… this will sound very stereotypical but… thoughtful conversation will do it really quick, haha! I like talking about things like my favourite season and the walks I take, etc.. So like, if you can talk about things like that, just things that you think about that are like, a part of you and not things that would essentially come up during your “average day”, then I’ll pretty much just keep talking until you break off the convo because I won’t get enough of that. I don’t mean debates on things. I don’t like being put on the spot and challenged that I hold personally to me, and I don’t like doing that to others either. Mostly just positive things that give each person their depth and individuality, trying to understand and connect together the unique traits of both of us. If that makes ANY sense!

2.) If our senses of humour jive well together then that is a pretty good way to win my heart too! Everyone that I’ve ever had, like, strong feelings for, has always had something with me where I just knew we could really let loose with our humour! And it hasn’t always been the same kind of sense of humour either. Sometimes it was random or really esoteric, other times it was a bickering kind of humour, and currently with Abbey, it’s sort of a silly and crude kind! We set each other up for jokes and just generally play a lot! Abbey always somehow finds a way to surprise me with the things she does that make me laugh. She still says things that leave me going “Of all things considered, I did NOT expect THAT to happen.” I haven’t met many people like that!

3.) And lastly, ambition/passion. I get a lot more interested when someone has plans. Someone who thinks ahead and also has the motivation and means to make it happen. In that way, I feel like anyone who always has something in mind doesn’t stop growing. And I don’t just mean just like, career stuff either. Just as long as someone has something they want to do next, whether it’s more education, learning something else new, travelling, making time for certain hobbies, picking up newer responsibilities, just aspirations, anything! It makes me feel like they are recognising the potential for extending their journey through life beyond the limits, milestones, or goals set by other people. By setting new ones for yourself, you keep the life, well, in your life!

4.) Okay I know there’s only supposed to be 3 but I feel like this one is also important so last one, okay go: Genuine kindness. Sounds simple, and it is, but simple isn’t always bad. Just like how complex and intricate isn’t always good. If you have all 3 above but you’re judgemental of others or just generally not a benevolent person, then those first three go from charming to elitist in my mind pretty quickly. Probably above all else, I’d want whoever I am with to see the opportunities to do good when they can and be happy that we are helping those around us.

Okay, that’s all the word vomit! Thanks again for the questions, Alexandra; it was tons of fun!

#ask #art-of-dreaming

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inhalareexhalare · 5 years

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Dianne Is so Awesome but She Might Freak If She Saw Me Post About That/Whatever the Hell Is Happening to Me

I managed to speak with more confidence over the phone with my boss, Dr. Seth. And then I initiated a long conversation with Ms. Dianne that lasted for almost an hour until my boss arrived so we each had to return to our work hahaha

So many stories! I admire her capacity to be patient with people and her capability to keep conversations bright without sacrificing her own feelings. She is driven to be truthful to people, and not just the if-I-am-asked kind; she has the initiative to tell you things that she feels bothered about in you, but with genuine compassion that you don’t feel attacked at all.

She knows how to balance yourself with other people. She knows how to balance teamwork with self-improvement. Most of all, she never allows an external, material, temporary thing to be a basis of motivation. She believes in having a real sense of purpose.

She is the kind of girl who lives in the company of people. She thrives in it.

I admire how she can balance the energy of a conversation (I made sure to let her know this). She doesn't extinguish the negative parts, but she balances it out with her own positive energy. Allowing other people to remember to heal themselves in the process. Spreading a remembrance of hope.She does all this, and she does it without knowing. I can tell she enjoyed trying to really answer why and how she does it.

I don’t have to thrive in it, but I’d like to be able to at least develop it as a skill, so I can also bring people up.

She believes in positive reinforcement, in motivating people to get better by themselves, rather than punishment that might work short-term but in the end kills what matters most.

That is true. I should do my best too.

2019-01-15 10:08 Philippines Friday

To Karu:

i have a letter for you and it contains a bigger perspective to whatever the hell it is that is happening to me

i'm so sorry

After sleeping alone two nights in a row, (the first night with my blood vessels boiling, figuratively, from who knows why, after Karu announced he’ll be away to a beautiful place) I just heard from him (he called me just now) and I felt so...cold. Like, dead cold. I was bitter. Monotone. Indifferent.

I can very easily tell you about my loneliness, reader, and although I won't expound on it I can very easily give some trusted friends a primer about it, but Karu is different. Somehow I feel so restrained to do that, and it's something I'm doing to myself.

I feel so desperate to hide it. It reminds me of how I maintain an icy poker face when others used to bully me (and gave up soon enough because I was indifferent). Is Karu a bully to me? I don't think so. But it's there. The fear of revealing more than I am comfortable to.

So here’s what I found out, in letter form for Karu to read (o my lord i am so sorry you ended up with a person like me who has low understanding of her own emotions):

Why am I so bitter to you

when we speak?

It’s like I don’t want to show

the loneliness inside me

in front of you

I fully enjoy everything

else that is happening

but your voice reminds

me too much of something that I long for

and, in self-dialogue, the second part:

that makes sense.

bitter is a plant

that is taken cared of poorly

but you’re not a plant, are you?

you’re the number one care you have

so be okay with being lonely

be kind to yourself

water yourself as often as necessary

you don’t need to fear yourself

anymore

Also me, to Karu:

(he needs help to prepare gig clothes for tomorrow, so i’m probably the one available to do just that. he also said he’d be there with me tonight, but even that possibility is something i’m avoiding right now. i’m too scared to hope when i’m on bitter/sulk mode.

i usually enjoy doing stuff for him but i’m still transitioning from feeling bitter... it takes work. i won’t give up!)

is it oki if [lobo] gets some snack later? i know it's not good to indulge but i might get pissy and stuff doing laundry and getting pissed for no reason haha

From Karu:

Yassss! Although the only thing that needs manual washing is the white button down

To Karu:

unless i get too lazy to bring laundry bags to the laundry shop of course hahaha i honestly think that's more likely to happen XD

my sulky mode needs a lot of working on, and i won't give up, so that might change but this is my mood right now haha still trying to transition properly

From Karu:

It's okay. I can take the stuff to the shop. If I get home early, I should also be able to cook

[Karu] gonna take care of sulky [Lobo]

Will gib hugs toooooo

To Karu:

:< thanks

From Karu:

It all gud. I just have to get home hahaha

That’s exactly the hope I’m avoiding right now I’ll just let him read this entry later...

From Karu (cont’d):

Do we haz laundry funds?

[Karu] is gonna get paid tomorrow ehehe

We will also try to start surviving on 200 pur dei

To Karu:

yes

okiii

From Karu:

Awesome heeheehee

Pork steak, yes?

To Karu:

....*•-•* nod

To be honest, I only ever use this awkwardly-self-made-but-too-accurate emoji with Karu. My poker face has zero capability to do this face (or any other emotional face) but the feeling tends to only apply to Karu.

From Karu:

I'll go see if we can go that route today If not, I'll just think of something else hahaha

Upper limit for food is 250 and lower limit is 150. So I guess we eat less now when we get carinderia food hahaha

Lez get you some art materials and get me some goddamn lessons and yaw yan

Would you like some paint to play with?

Oh fuck I gotta change my strings soon btw. Maybe April or June :)

To Karu:

let's find pout i guess. eating less will probably help me appreciate food more. anything in excess makes us feel sick.

Yaw Yan's good.

painting materials are crazy expensive though

From Karu:

Pout?

To Karu:

out

punintended

freudian slip

lof yu

From Karu:

We can save up for art stuff :)

To Karu:

morp

I notice that Karu isn’t using the “:))” today. Change of brain?

or maybe it’s just the mood.

I’m stopping here, it seems to be irrelevant now lol

2019-01-15 10:50 Philippines Friday

Feeling these things, I was about to do a last-minute ditch a.k.a. escape from my (previously initiated) informal lunch date with the big group of secretaries today, until Dianne reached out her hand to me.

She actually didn’t, but I swear, that was what it was like to me. All she did, really, was beckon. I don’t even think she did it consciously/purposefully. But that. That evaporated all the doubt that I had left of joining them for lunch.

Her hand in my mind, reaching out for mine. And I took it.

It is good to have good friends. She knows a little about my social anxiety since I told her about it this morning to celebrate and explain my celebration, of my progressing confidence in front of Dr. Seth.

That was what led to us having a long conversation. Halfway, I was almost losing attention, but I willed it on. It was just my fear that was trying to pull me out.

And I made it okay. We made it okay. Her hand, my hand.

I can’t give up now.

This is also training so I can reach out to people who might have similar struggles as myself.

2019-01-15 13:49 Philippines Friday

Aaand he's not home.

Well, I expected as much. It still stings a little though.

It seems he forgot it's Friday again. I get out of work an hour earlier than usual every Friday.

Actually, I don't even think he's coming for dinner tonight. I'm tired.

Guess I'm getting my own food and doing the laundry, then play some mind fucking games later. That should prep me up for tomorrow's story writing.

2019-02-15 18:04 Philippines Friday

Then again, life is only filled with uncertainties.

If I can't even embrace this, I've no right to pursue something as weird as psychology.

(Though I'd only apply this mindset to myself. Tough love works with myself most of the time. If it's my own voice HAHA I'm such a prideful creature.)

Speaking of psychology, what if I happen to unconsciously use Karu at this point in time as a hiding place from myself? My bitter/sulk mode as well as my nighttime separation anxiety are both based on fear of being alone to myself.

Alone with my thoughts. My ultimate chaos. My infantile order. I can't escape order for too long and hide in my mess of chaos. Order is in order. It won't do to just have chaos. I have to systemically know myself.

I didn't know Karu before, but I already had these things a long time ago. I always knew it never was Karu's fault or mistake, but could this be something closer to the truth?

I truly love him, but sometimes I feel weir. Maybe in those "sometimes," I use the warmth of our togetherness as a form of escapism.

Remember the letter I wrote earlier today?

"You don't need to fear yourself anymore."

The last line. I was worried at first that it didn't fit in my poem, especially that my head and hand just sort of spat it out there unconsciously. I seriously considered whether to delete it,

but I couldn't.

A slip of the pen?

I feel like I am closer to my personal truth. If you feel or think though, reader, that something's amiss or inconsistent with my observations and analysis, by all means please share your insight.

For now, I'll keep note of this.

To begin with, when I first was infatuated with Karu, my intention was just all him. He interested me very much. He is my first love. (I'm really lucky to be with someone as willing and patient as him. He isn't patient at all for most things, but he is when it matters.) (I always had a hard time being in love with others. I was indifferent a lot before. I had a sexual crush on my adopted older brother at age 5, and then a mutual crush with a high school close friend that I turned down because I got bored when he confessed. I know, I'm fucked up. But those are tales for another day.) Annnyway. And then I transitioned into the kind of sober love, where it felt like a deep ocean where my infatuation before was just a puddle.

But it never changed the fact that my intention was to make him happy. To love him. To give him affection, attention, and care.

I mean, who enters a relationship thinking, "I want to be with you to become a better person."

NO ONE does! But we all should!

With the all-for-the-other mindset we have, we risk destroying ourselves and even the other in the process.

It's all very romantic and courageous and admirable to have so much passion in caring for another, but forgetting yourself is setting both of you up in a pretty ugly loop.

Point is, getting into any kind of relationship just so you could celebrate not being alone anymore... Sends quite an important message.

You're uncomfortable with being alone with yourself.

You are who you end up with until the end of your life. Might as well learn to love this self.

It's important to take care of your social life, but you need to be doing it for the right reasons.

But don't worry, and don't punish yourself. It wastes time. When you find yourself in misalignment, reconfigure, and start over.

It's never too late, as long as you have breath and you have mind.

Stay Alive, everyone! Never stop learning.

I have feelings. That are unpleasant. That I look for other things that might take it away. But they're never taken away. Only hidden.

It's only now I realize (again), I've been trying to banish something important in me. These unpleasant feelings were treated poorly by myself. I didn't give them enough time. I'm too impatient, too afraid.

But now I remember. To let things go, you've got to let them in first.

Change usually involves more of involvement rather than stepping back.

And besides, learning to be comfortable with who you really are? I'd think that's the true, real love.

2019-02-15 19:13 Philippines Friday

I got to open up a bit about how I am sad to Karu last night.

Also, it's been a while, so I knew he was bursting. I helped him release.

Of course, that made it easy to thaw my ice. But I'd like to be able to learn how to show him more of my loneliness with more willingness.

#chrono7 #social #dianne #balance #self #reflection #quote #progress #mission #marriage #poetry #bitter #sulk #sad

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marias-studyblr · 6 years

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Hey, i'm not sure why i'm telling you this but im really upset and just need to vent. Today my history teacher pinpointed me infront of the whole class (twice) and, long story short, was very persistent with receiving an answer of some sort which i had no idea about. Everybody was staring at me, some were laughing, i felt my face burning honestly all i wanted to do was to run out of the class. As someone with social anxiety i avoid any form of class speaking anyway, but now i cant stop [1]

[2] replaying the events from earlier today and i just feel shit about myself. Im embarrassed that everyone else probably thinks i lack a lot of intelligence and basic knowledge. It’s hard to think when im asked a specific question infront of everyone,it makes me so nervous and my mind goes blank. To everyone this may seem like i’m overreacting but honestly im so upset and im not sure if its normal to feel this way. I dont know how to get over this feeling it’s horrible. I’m so done with school tbh

Hey! You deserve this rant, please whenever you need, I’m here for you!

So it might not seem like it because I’m pretty open in here, but I do exactly what you described. I was seeing myself in your words.

It used to be way worse in the last years of middle school, and in the first years of high school, it got to the point I didn’t really think for myself and all my interactions were based on what the other person wanted to hear or what I thought they would think of me.

Of course it always backfired, because it’s impossible to please everyone at all times, which left me even more unhappy about myself and lead me to more and more mental and physical problems (nothing too serious!).

I would constantly overthink about particular situations where I was put on the spot at school and cringed over and over again.

It lead to tricky situations, a rough couple of years while I transitioned through that. A lot of hiding in bathroom stalls. And cringy stuff that only I remember by now.

I took way too seriously what other people talked about me, which gave them power. And those people understood it somehow and used it in the wrong way, which made me feel even worse.

I don’t know why. I have a couple of suspicions from my childhood but nothing that completely justifies why I didn’t know how to stand up for myself like most people did.

Looking back I can see how I was innocent and didn’t really understand how everyone, everyone, the students, the teachers, they also had problems and insecurities in their lives. I thought everyone was always better than me when actually we were all the same even with our differences and I had nothing to worry about.

I’m much better now. I’ve learned how to recognize my self-worth, hold myself as an individual. I’m not afraid to look people in the eye, and most importantly live my life for me and not for others.

But I’m not completely secure though. Just the other day I was thinking about this, trying to figure it out. Nowadays, I think my problems come from the huge respect I have for other people. I do this crazy thing: whenever I’m held responsible to someone I get super committed to doing it in the most perfect way possible because I don’t want to disappoint that person, even if it’s a total stranger. And whenever I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I feel so bad because I just wanted to do it nicely for them. And I know that’s not a bad thing to do, but it comes to such extremes with me, because I overthink it so much.

For example, last friday I realized I forgot to send an email to the librarian to renew my book before 7pm, and I remembered at 10pm. I sent the email but through the night and the whole weekend I felt horrible about it.

It’s not like the social anxiety that I had before, but it’s still some kind of awkwardness that I don’t want to depend on.

So after this detour, let me get to the point. xD

I think we can both agree that we have to be able to stand up for ourselves and to appear stable even in the most embarrassing of situations, both for self-respect, because you don’t owe anything to anyone, you are allowed to make mistakes and be treated fairly, but also because it’s a good thing to have for your future life, you’ll always need to speak under pressure and you need to stop putting yourself through this anxiety everytime you are.

I also understand this is not something you can simply stop doing because it’s irrational. As soon as the moment starts, you get dragged into it and without noticing it your face looks like a tomato emoji.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t slowly start making a change in your behavior, including practicing the way you present yourself, your posture, the way you talk, controlling nervous tics, answering while making eye contact with teachers and other people without stuttering.

Body language may seem non-important to you at first glance but it’s ALL that matters in social interactions, and this is what helped me overcome that feeling of pure cringe and embarrassment. I just kept practicing and I still do now. I encourage you to start paying attention to how confident people sit and how you sit, how they talk and how you talk. Truly start studying these things, and this is how I improved, it has made my life so much happier, and the biggest difference in my life quality. Truly.

Now, by NO means I’m saying this is going to solve everything overnight. I’ve improved my anxiety progressively and cringe situations still happen to me, but I find them less damaging over time. To finish up, I’m going to tell you an example of a situation of me practicing:

I’m in class, minding my own business. I pay attention to my posture. I sit with my back straight, hands relaxed, body still. I’m not covering my face or bending down. I pay attention to the class. The teacher asks me a question, I can feel my heart rate immediately going up. I focus first on my breathing (inhale and exhale profoundly) and maintaining my posture and quickly go through those physical checks. Even if I’m blushing, I keep eye contact with the teacher and my voice strong all the way through.

This is harder than it seems if you have social anxiety, but this practice really helped me and got me through so much. I still have a lot to overcome but I’ve gotten so many victories already and I want you to have the same, I know you can.

Here are 2 phenomenal Ted Talks that really helped me learn what I just told you about and I encourage you to watch them from beginning to end:

The surprising secret to speaking with confidence - Caroline Goyder

Your body language may shape who you are - Amy Cuddy

So I know this is already pretty long but I still have some stuff that might help you so I want to give it a try.

Confidence comes from within, so self-reflection is always needed. In order to not go too deep on that right now, because that’s a whole other question in itself, I’m going to give you the one piece of practical advice I always give which is recommending Yoga with Adriene, either doing her yoga videos or her meditation ones, or her challenges. Just to keep that positivity flowing in your veins is so important. And if you don’t have a source in your life, I feel like Adriene could be it.

Goals are really important in being confident too, so keeping a bullet journal, or a journal, a vision board, where you write your feelings, your interests, your dreams, might get you through the bad days and give you confidence when you need it the most. I feel like some days thinking about how grateful I am for my family, my home, myself, etc. really gets me through tough feelings I might be experiencing.

Always share out loud what you are experiencing with your loved ones, with people you trust. Whenever I have feelings bottling up I force myself to spill them to my loved ones because I know no matter how much it embarrasses me to admit them, it always makes me feel better after they comfort me and make me see something differently, and suddenly the incident sounds a little more beatable.

Last thing I want to touch, and I promise, I promise this is the last thing, is those people in your class making you feel inferior. Don’t you shed a tear for them and I mean it. You are the classy one. You are the strong one. You get to keep your head high and be kind to yourself. If someone isn’t compassionate to you, you don’t owe them anything and you have the right to shut them out of your life. You don’t need to keep thinking about them or talk about them. You just don’t do them. You don’t pay attention to what they’re saying about you… they don’t know you. They. Don’t. Know. You. They don’t matter. That doesn’t mean you get to be rude to them, it just means they’re irrelevant. So. With that being said, I hope you understand you are a beam of light, a fucking rock star and you can get through this, you can overcome this school year, and the next one and the next one.

Find the people in your life who matter, who make you feel good. That’s all that matters. Here’s something interesting I read: “Feel bad for people who have the energy to bring others down. Don’t hate them back, feel for them. They are clearly in pain if that’s where they want to spend their energy.” Like I said they’re irrelevant, but you don’t have to be mean back, don’t get inside their game. Be the classy one and always, always, always focus on yourself, live your life.

I honestly want to keep talking for hours. I hope this was enough for you to kick-start a new way of seeing yourself and starting to become happy with who you are. There are so many obstacles in life but positivity is possible, you just have to keep looking for the things in your life that matter, that make you feel good and don’t give up.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you. ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!

#answered #life advice #self confidence #positivity

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