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roman-writing · 3 years

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bring home a haunting (4/12)

Fandom: The Haunting of Bly Manor

Pairing: Dani Clayton/Jamie Taylor

Rating: M

Wordcount: 20,133

Summary: Dani almost has her life together, when a familiar face arrives back in town after ten years. A childhood friends AU written with @youngbloodbuzz

read it below or read it on AO3 here

It was well and truly autumn. The air had a bite to it and the ground crinkled with every footstep. Everything had lost its vibrant edge and had become brown and wet and stagnant. Nothing but mud and rain and fresh crops on the produce shelves in the grocery store. The nights grew longer and the days shorter, and winter would be fast upon them.

In other words, Dani's least favorite time of year. She had long come to the conclusion that she was not built for the cold. Even now, sky overcast and gloomy, struck through with bared tree branches like black lightning, she wore a thick coat, scarf, and hat. Her boots were splattered with mud from the walk, and she would occasionally admire the way her breath steamed in the air like a cloud with every exhalation. Meanwhile, Jamie wore nothing more than a woollen jumper over her usual t-shirt and jean ensemble. Her scuffed and battered shoes looked even more worse for wear with a layer of caked dirt all up the soles.

They were digging through the illegal dump found midway down the abandoned rail line, affectionately called 'Mount Tire' by the locals. Dani had heard her mother complain about it along with other townsfolk at the annual general meeting of the Council, as though it were a dark mark on the face of the town rather than a treasure trove of objects that otherwise might have gone without a home.

From further along, Jamie made a triumphant noise, and Dani lifted her head.

"Did you find something?" Dani asked.

Jamie's reply was a series of grunts and the sound of something clattering. Dani wandered over to find her brushing off an unearthed bicycle that had seen better days.

Jamie held it propped up with both hands while she inspected it with a critical eye. "I can fix this," she said.

Dani's eyebrows rose and she gave the bike a dubious once over. "It's missing a seat."

Jamie made a dismissive sound while she crouched down to test the chain. "Damn," she swore. "This'll need replacing. Spokes are fine though. And it all looks like surface rust to me. I can fix it."

"Again," said Dani, pointing out the obvious. "There's no seat."

"Always such a Debbie downer," Jamie said even as she aimed a grin at Dani over her shoulder. She straightened. "C'mon. Let's go down to the petrol station."

"What for?" Dani asked, following along beside Jamie as she guided the bicycle with her hands, rolling it along down to the train tracks.

"Tires are flat," Jamie said, tapping one of said tires with the toe of her shoe for good measure. "Tread's fine, though. They've got free air down at the station, and I want to see how bad the damage is."

It was miles away to the gas station, but Dani didn't mind. Not when it was with Jamie. Not when their Saturday was free and they could spend their time aimlessly chatting about everything and nothing in particular. They were still talking and laughing when they arrived at the station, the bike ticking like a clock with every rotation of its old wheels.

Jamie propped the bike against the wall outside before they went in. The owner, Mr. Thompson, was wearing a baseball cap and reading a magazine inside. His head lifted when the bell attached to the door rang, but as he saw who it was that entered — not a customer, just a few kids — he swiftly lost interest. His gaze dropped back down to the magazine on the counter.

"Afternoon, Mr. Thompson," Dani greeted with a little wave.

He grunted a wordless reply, then said, "I don't do candy discounts."

Beside her, Jamie bristled. "We're not that young."

As he flicked to another page — some sort of automobile magazine with shiny cars and motorcycles splashed across it — his eyes moved up to them with a lazy sort of indifference. "You really are, kid."

There was a determined set to Jamie's jaw as she approached the counter and placed her hands on it. "I want to use your air pump outside."

"It's free, isn't it?" he said, his attention firmly back on the magazine. "Don't need to tell me you're going to use it. Just use it."

"I also want to buy some stuff to fix up a bicycle. Tire repair kit. New chain," Jamie ticked off items on her fingers. "Do you have anything that'll help clean up rust?"

Mr. Thompson was watching her now, cheek resting on one fist. "Matter of fact, I do."

"And I want to use your tools out back."

His eyebrows rose and he blinked slowly at her. "You got money to back up that mouth of yours, Miss Taylor?"

Jamie dug her hands into her pockets and pulled out a few crumpled up bills and spare bits of change. She slapped them onto the countertop. Mr. Thompson glanced down. "That's enough for a new chain and none of the others. Sorry, kid. Come back when you have more."

Slowly, Jamie deflated. She began to drag the money back into her hands from the table, but Dani stepped up beside her, rising up on her toes to better be seen. "Excuse me?"

Both of them turned to look at her.

Clearing her throat, Dani forged on. "Can we pay in something other than cash?"

Mr. Thompson's brow crinkled. Somehow he still managed to look bored despite it. "Like what?"

"Well, no offense, Mr. Thompson, but your shop -" Dani gestured around them, "- is kind of a mess. How about we clean it? Windows. Floors. Or -" she said hurriedly as he leaned back, "- we can operate the pump for anyone who comes around? That's -? That's worth something? Right?"

Glancing around the shop, he tipped back his baseball cap with the knuckle of one finger, then swiped at his nose with a thoughtful sniff. Jamie opened her mouth to say something, but Dani stood on her foot and surreptitiously shook her head. Jamie scowled but closed her mouth and kept silent.

Finally, he waved towards the door that led to the little warehouse and service shop out back. "Brooms and cleaning equipment is back there. And for God's sake don't touch the pumps. Last thing I need is you two spilling gas all over the road."

The effect was immediate. Jamie's face lit up like a Christmas tree, and she began tugging Dani towards the back room, saying, "I get the windows! I'm taller!"

"Hey!" Dani complained, but grudgingly accepted mop duties when push came to shove.

It was slow work, with very few customers to interrupt the boredom. Jamie made a game of pulling faces at Dani through the glass as she cleaned the windows from outside. Dani laughed and would pretend to descend down stairs as she walked. Mr. Thompson kept an eye on them from behind the counter, shaking his head and flipping through his magazine with a mutter under his breath, "Kids."

When a car eventually did roll up to one of the pump stations, Mr. Thompson straightened in his seat. Dani and Jamie were just about finished cleaning when Judy stepped out of her car and saw them. She hesitated, cocking her head curiously, before striding inside. As she opened the door, she kept it propped open with her hip and lifted her sunglasses so that they were perched atop her head.

"What on earth are you two doing?" she asked, looking between Jamie and Dani.

"Trading," said Dani.

"For bicycle parts," Jamie added, and she gestured with a rag towards the old bicycle leaning against the wall.

Judy aimed a questioning look at Mr. Thompson. "That right, Hunter?"

If anything, he looked a bit bashful. "Place needed cleaning, and they don't have money," he grumbled. "Didn't think there was any harm in it."

With a shrug, Judy said, "All right, then. If everyone's happy, then I'm happy. Can I get this filled up?" She pointed to her sedan. "Should only be half a tank, but I'm driving to Cedar Rapids to visit my sister tomorrow."

"Sure thing," Mr. Thompson said. He rose from his seat and ambled out to fill up the car.

Judy kept the door open for him and remained standing in the doorway. She crossed her arms. "And what are your plans for Christmas this year?" she asked Jamie.

Jamie lifted a spray bottle and squeezed some solution onto the window before wiping at the glass with the rag. "Dunno," she answered. "Same as last year. Home with Nan."

"Well, Dani's coming over to my place with her mom," Judy said, nodding towards Dani in question, who listened with a keen ear. "Why don't you and Ruth come over like you did for Thanksgiving? We usually open presents in the morning and have a big lunch."

"Oh, uh -" Jamie hesitated. She glanced through the glass at Dani, who was nodding furiously and all but bouncing on the balls of her feet. Even then, Jamie's expression was unsure. "I'll have to talk to Nan about it."

"Well, you tell Ruth to give me a call, all right?"

Jamie nodded and mumbled something that was too muffled through the glass for Dani to hear properly. Whatever it was made Judy laugh. "Oh, you're going to be trouble one day, Missy," Judy said with a good-natured chuckle.

Jamie’s only response was an impish grin.

When Mr. Thompson had finished refuelling Judy’s car, Judy approached the register to pay. As she pulled out a few bills from her wallet and handed them over, she said, “You know, you should hire the Jones’ boy. Stanley? I hear he’s looking for part time work.”

Mr. Thompson took the money and punched in a few buttons on the register to get her change. “Shop’s fine.”

Judy took the change with a shrug. “If you say so.” And on her way out, she paused, door held open. “Don’t work them too hard, Hunter. I’ll see you girls later.”

After her car had pulled away from the station and they were left alone with Mr. Thompson once more, Dani and Jamie turned to look at him. He had returned to his place ensconced behind the till, magazine open on the countertop, hiding behind a row of confectionaries and chewing gum. When he felt their eyes upon him, he went very still, hand frozen in place as he turned the page of a new magazine.

Sighing, he jerked his thumb to indicate the wall behind him. “Tools are in the back. Don’t hurt yourself. Especially you.” He jabbed his finger in Jamie’s direction. “Your grandmother puts the fear of God in me.”

The news of it spread like wildfire across the school the moment it happened. A fight in the east wing.

Dani and Eddie were already on their way there in search of Carson and Jamie who were late to lunch, when other students rushed past them shouting back the news. The pair exchanged a worried glance before taking off, following the clamor around the corner to where a group of kids were shouting and cheering on at a pile of indistinguishable bodies scuffling on the floor, swinging and pulling violently on each other.

Dani’s stomach dropped, and immediately cast her eyes around in search of Jamie, worrying at her lower lip when she couldn’t spot her in the crowd. In that same moment, a group of teachers came rushing through.

“All right, all right, settle down!” Mr. Roberts shouted, pushing his way through the crowd and pulling apart the wrestling bodies with the help of the art teacher, Mr. Keller.

When Mr. Roberts pulled up the recognizable form of a disheveled Jamie, breathing heavy, her nose bleeding, and a righteous fury burning in her eyes that Dani hadn’t seen since that day in the back alley, Dani sucked in a sharp breath.

Eddie sighed exasperatedly. “Again?”

“Nan’s gonna kill her,” Dani murmured, frowning in concern. When Jamie wiped at the blood pooling from her nose down to her mouth and chin with the sleeve of her shirt, wincing as she smeared it over her face, Dani winced along with her.

It didn’t make any sense. No one had bothered Jamie since the first year she arrived at North Liberty after her fight with Roger in the stairwell. The knowledge that Jamie was perfectly capable of defending herself, and fought like a caged beast when cornered had grown widespread across the school. Dani knew. She’d seen Jamie fearlessly tackle one of the twins during a playfight session at the river where, at the time, Tommy had already stood well over a foot taller than Jamie.

Dani took a step forward, scanning the pile of students being pulled to their feet to see who was responsible. A hand grasped her arm, pulling her to a stop.

“Danielle,” Eddie hissed.

Dani almost spun around to glare at him, but her eyes unexpectedly caught Jamie’s. Jamie’s eyes darted pointedly to a corner in the hallway before catching Dani’s again. Dani frowned, but Jamie only responded by pressing her mouth into a thin line and jerking her head towards the same direction, slowly being pulled away by the arm down the hall.

With one last grimace of a smile, Dani watched her go as another teacher began dispersing the crowd. When Jamie turned a corner, Dani finally exhaled, her shoulders dropping from where they had bunched up, and she scanned the direction of the hallway where Jamie gestured towards. Stepping towards it, she was once again tugged to a stop. She looked down at her hand where Eddie’s had at some point slinked down from her forearm to her hand, holding it in a loose grip. Dani darted her eyes up at him to see that he wasn’t even paying attention, still frowning uncomfortably at the laughing kids who still loitered the hallway.

Dani huffed. “Eddie.”

“Yeah?”

“Can I have my hand back?”

He turned to blink blankly at her, and then down at their clasped hands. “Oh,” he said, snatching his hand away, his cheeks turning pink. “Sorry.”

Dani sighed, and returned to scanning the hallway, stepping further through groups of her classmates, until she spotted a familiar figure on the ground, curled up and trembling against the lockers with their head buried in their arms.

Dani gasped. “Carson!” She rushed towards him, kneeling on the dusty floor and pressed a hand to his shoulder, “Carson, are you okay?”

He flinched away, head jerking up to stare at her with wide watery eyes. He relaxed when he saw it was just Dani, his face crumpling in relief as he nodded and wiped his cheeks.

Eddie kneeled on the other side of him, eyes fearful. “Are you sure? What happened?”

Risking a glance around them, there were still students being ushered away, some even staring and snickering in their direction. Dani’s stare hardened into a scowl. “Not here,” she said, pushing to her feet, holding out a hand for Carson, “Let’s go outside.”

With downcast eyes, Carson took her hand for her to help pull him up and didn’t let go as she guided both boys outside to their usual spot along the brick walls. They huddled together in a circle with their lunch bags in their laps.

“Well?” Eddie said, his knee bouncing, wearing a worried frown. “What happened?” Carson sighed and didn’t answer. “Are you in trouble?”

“No,” Carson said, then twisted his face. “At least, I don’t think so.”

“What do you mean you don’t think so? It’s a yes or no question.”

“Eddie,” Dani said, and his mouth promptly snapped shut, looking sheepish. Shaking her head, Dani returned her gaze back at Carson, the youngest O’Mara looking so unusually despondent. She shifted a little closer to him, their knees knocking together, rested a hand on his back and said softly, “It’s okay, you can tell us.”

Carson sighed again, and after a moment, he finally said, “You remember those guys I told you about?”

Dani’s heart sank, knowing immediately what he was referring to. She caught Eddie’s eyes and saw the realization slowly hit him, his face pulling into a grimace. It was only the natural state of things, when Tommy and David graduated from elementary school to the golden gates of high school, for opportunities to arise on the pecking order. With the twins gone, they had taken with them a safety net that had left their little group in peace for the past few years, and out of all of them, the ire of a particular group of the student body had zeroed in on Carson.

“What did they do?” Dani asked.

Carson shrugged morosely. “Calling me names again. Shoving me. Whatever.”

“But why was Jamie there?” Eddie asked, pushing his glasses up his nose.

“She walks with me to lunch sometimes,” Carson said.

Slowly, Dani softened, recalling all those moments in the past month where Jamie would rush off after the lunch bell rang, claiming to need the washroom, and arriving later at the lunchroom with Carson by her side.

The rest of the story came out of Carson gradually. Jamie not being there on time to accompany Carson to lunch. Being cornered by a group of boys in the hall, and by the time they were shoving Carson and getting aggressive, Jamie jumped into the fray.

“And she just -!” Carson’s eyes by now were wide and fervent, “She came out of nowhere and told them to the piss off!”

“Please don’t say that in front of mom,” Eddie groaned.

“And then, I don’t know, someone started shoving again, and suddenly they were just all fighting,” Carson said, taking a wild bite of his sandwich that he had pulled out in the middle of the story, “Oh! And then Roger jumped in — “

“Roger?” Dani and Eddie blurted in unison.

Swallowing hard, Dani leaned forward with a worried frown, “Was - was he fighting Jamie, too?”

The thought of Jamie taking on not just three, but four boys by herself sent her heart crashing, but Carson was already shaking his head before Dani even finished the question. “No! He was helping her!”

Dani blinked. Roger Simmons helping Jamie in a school fight. Maybe pigs really did fly.

As Carson’s story began to wind down to what Dani and Eddie already knew, Dani sobered, biting at her thumb. “I think you should go to the principal and tell them what happened.”

Eddie frowned. “Why?”

“Because he was there and the fight started because they were bullying him in the first place!”

Shifting on the concrete, Eddie hunched his shoulders. “I don’t know. It might make things worse.”

Dani huffed. “How?”

At Eddie’s noncommittal shrug, Carson shrank back, his eyes darting between Dani and Eddie before landing back on Dani. “I didn’t mean to get Jamie in trouble, I swear,” he mumbled.

Dani sighed and grasped his hand. “You didn’t,” she said, “Jamie knew what she was getting into. But if we go to the principal’s office now and tell them what happened, she might be in less trouble if they knew she was defending you and herself.”

Nodding eagerly, Carson was already haphazardly packing away the rest of his lunch and pushing to his feet. Dani almost smiled as she followed him to stand, but the tight lines of Eddie’s mouth stopped her.

They retreated back inside and towards the school office in silence. When they arrived, Dani immediately scanned the room for Jamie, but there was no sign of her and the office was empty. She eyed Principal Davis’ office, her brow knitted as they stepped towards Ms. Reeves.

After a short conversation with Ms. Reeves, Carson was guided towards the principal’s office with Ms. Reeves' hand on his back. Dani balled her hand into fists and bit her lip as she watched him, his shoulders bunched and his head bowed. Beside her, Eddie was anxiously bouncing on his toes, before abruptly blurting out, “Wait - uh. Ms. Reeves?” At the sound of her name, Ms. Reeves glanced back. Eddie stood up straight, pushing his shoulders back, and said, “Can we come with him?”

Ms. Reeves sighed and gave them a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry, honey, but no,” she said,

“But he’s my brother.”

Ms. Reeves gestured towards the bench. “You can wait here for the rest of lunch if you’d like, but I’m afraid unless you have something important to add, you can’t go in.”

Both Dani and Eddie deflated, giving Carson one last grim smile and thumbs up that he returned with a small wave. When Ms. Reeves knocked and opened the principal’s door, Dani craned her neck for any sightings of Jamie, but all she could see were the backs of chairs populated by boys, and a stone faced Principal Davis. Carson was guided inside, and then the door was shut with a thud of finality.

Giving them one last pointed look, Ms. Reeves gestured towards the bench before retreating back to her desk, picking up the phone with a sigh.

There was nothing more to be done except to take a seat and wait, pretending like they couldn’t hear Ms. Reeves explaining to parents that they needed to come down to the school. Dani winced, a pool of dread whirling in her stomach for the oncoming hurricane of Nan. They snacked on the remains of their lunch as they waited silently.

When ten minutes had passed, and Carson still hadn’t made a reappearance, Eddie sighed anxiously. “He’s okay, right?”

Dani almost didn’t hear him, absentmindedly snacking on peanuts as she stared at the principal’s office door. “Yeah, if Jamie’s there, of course he is,” Dani replied.

“God, mom’s gonna kill me.”

“Why?” Dani finally pulled her eyes away to frown at him.

“‘Cause I didn’t watch out for him like Tommy and David,” he said, bouncing his knee, staring at the floor, his face distressed. “Or like you and Jamie.”

Dani’s shoulders dropped and she reached out to grasp his hand, easing it out of its clenched fist to clasp their palms together. “It’s not your fault,” she said, “There was nothing we could’ve done. Jamie was just lucky to be there at the right time today.”

Eddie huffed, his mouth twisting, still visibly concerned and displeased. Dani didn’t know what else to say, she opened her mouth, hoping to find the words to comfort him, but the distinct ominous sound of a tapping cane stopped her. At the sight of a scowling Nan marching in the office, the first to arrive as if the wrath of God had lit a fire under her, Dani immediately shot upright, pulling her hand from Eddie to stand.

Nan’s mouth thinned when she caught sight of her. She tisked, tapped Dani on the ankle with her cane, and said, “Sit.” Dani did as she was told, biting her lip as Nan stared at her, and then said, “Well? Where is the little shite?”

Swallowing hard, Dani pointed towards Principal Davis’ office. “Already in there,” she murmured.

With a grunt, Nan didn’t even bother checking in with Ms. Reeves. She marched towards the door and knocked hard on it with her cane. “Harvey Davis, open this door before I break it open.”

The door swung open to reveal Principal Davis wearing a grim smile, just short of paling. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Heron, thank you for — “

“Shut it, and let’s get this over with,” Nan said, pushing past him in the room. Principal Davis exhaled and shut the door.

Lunch passed quickly after that, a few other parents arrived but there was still no reappearance of Carson or either one of Eddie’s parents yet. They unwillingly shuffled off back to class where they waited out the rest of their day anxiously. Eddie was only able to finally relax when he received a note from the office telling him that Carson was taken home early by their dad, his head thunking on his desk with a loud sigh of relief. Dani chuckled at him, but she still felt worry pulling at her stomach. By the time the final bell rang, Jamie hadn’t returned to class at all, not even for the few things still remaining atop her desk. Dani took it upon herself to gather it all up and stuff them in her locker, careful to keep any loose pages wrinkle free.

When they were outside, free from school for the weekend, walking towards the beige car that was already waiting for them by the curb a little ways down the street, Eddie looked to her with an eager expression. “Hey, do you want to sleep over this weekend? David and Tommy promised to play Dungeons and Dragons with us.”

Dani’s face twisted. “To play what?”

“Don’t you remember? I told you ages ago. You said you’d play with us.”

“Oh, I - I wanted to go to Jamie’s to see if she’s okay,” she said, grimacing, and then added, “I was gonna sleep over.”

Eddie’s face fell. “But you promised.”

Dani did remember promising, absentmindedly nodding along to the idea in the O’Mara’s basement where they had all congregated around the tv to watch the latest animated Robin Hood movie, snickering quietly to Jamie’s commentary.

“I know,” Dani said, “I’m sorry. I’m just worried.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “She’s probably fine.”

“She was bleeding everywhere!”

“So? She gets hurt like every other week, it’s nothing special,” he said, scowling at the ground.

Dani grabbed his arm and pulled him to a stop, her mouth thinned. “I’m sorry, Eddie,” she said, “I promise we can hang out soon, but Jamie’s my best friend, I can’t just not see if she’s okay.”

“I’m your best friend, too,” Eddie shot back, his face flushed and his eyes bright, and then froze, ducking his head with a timid expression, and murmured, “I just wanted to hang out.”

Dani’s heart sank. She didn’t know what else to do or to say. She squeezed at his arm that she still held and moved to slip her hand down to his, but he pulled away with a huff.

“It’s fine, just forget it,” he said, and continued towards the car.

She followed after him. “Eddie,” she called out, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he said, resignation in his voice, not looking at her.

Quietly, Dani worried at her lower lip and followed Eddie into the car where Mike was waiting for them. They settled into the backseat and buckled up, both visibly troubled that Mike twisted in his seat to give them an awkward consoling grin. “Hard day, huh?” Mike said, eyes darting between them. “Don’t you kids worry. Carson’s doing all right.”

When they both silently nodded, Mike’s gaze landed on Dani. While for the most part, Dani and Mike rarely spoke more than five minutes at a time with each other, he was still always a kind and welcoming man. He gave her a tight grin and a nod. “Jamie, too. I think. Lord knows with that grandmother of hers. Never seen Davis turn that color before.”

Dani breathed out a chuckle.

“Ah, there it is,” he said, shaking a finger at her, “Knew that was hidden there somewhere.”

Dani ducked her head as Mike twisted back around in his seat to start the engine. As they took off down the street, Dani risked a glance at Eddie out of the corner of her eye to see him already staring at her. When she caught his eyes, he spun his head away sharply. Dani rolled her eyes and nudged at his feet with her own. When he didn’t respond she did it again, knocking it hard enough that there was an audible thud. He sighed and gave her a look that she returned with a grin. He huffed and turned back to the window, but Dani could still see his smile in the slant of his profile.

When they arrived home, Eddie was the first to offer a murmured goodbye once they got out of the car. Seeing the peace offering for what it was, Dani hugged him tight and said, “I really am sorry.”

“I know,” he murmured, a dejected slump to his shoulders, before pulling away and starting towards the front door of his house where Mike was already shuffling inside.

With the O’Mara’s front door shut, Dani was off like a shot towards her own house. Unlocking the door with her keys and shoving her way into the empty house to rush upstairs to her room and pack.

Nan gave her a withering stare when she finally opened the door to Dani’s insistent knocking. Lungs just short of burning from speed walking to the white bungalow, Dani almost shrank back when Nan arched an eyebrow, but she stood her ground and gave Nan a hesitant grin.

Breathing out sharply through her nose in what bizarrely sounded like laugh, Nan shook her head and dryly said, “Took your sweet time, did you?”

“Um.”

Nan huffed, and jerked her head towards the house. “Well, get inside. I’ve got a pot brewing already,” she said, disappearing back into the house. “And take your bloody inhaler before you pass out on my floor.”

Dani did as she was told, shuffling inside and shutting the door behind her to peel off her shoes and coat. She could hear Nan moving around in the kitchen, porcelain cups and plates clinking as Dani quickly took a puff from her inhaler, feeling better already as she stuffed it back in her bag and followed the sounds.

Nan was already setting the table with three sets of cups and a blue tin that Dani knew held Nan’s coveted cookies, the old rickety table wobbling with every gentle movement due to its uneven legs. Dani dropped her bag in the corner of the kitchen as she scanned the rooms, not finding Jamie anywhere. “Where is she?” she asked quietly.

“Out back working on that mess of a bike,” Nan said.

Dani eagerly turned to make her way to the door leading to the backyard, but jerked to a stop when Nan held up the length of her cane to Dani’s stomach. She darted her eyes up towards Nan, blinking in surprise. Nan’s mouth thinned and she jerked her head to the table. “Sit,” she said in a tone of voice that brooked no room for argument.

Feeling her stomach sink, Dani spared a glance towards the back door, and followed Nan to the table, sitting opposite where she stood, stiff in her seat and her hands balled into fists in her lap. “Is she grounded?” Dani carefully asked.

“Aye, she is,” Nan said, busy making a single cup of tea and setting up a saucer of what Dani recognized were Jamie’s favorite cookies.

Dani waited for a moment before asking, “How long?”

“As long she needs to be,” Nan sharply replied.

Dani sank back into her seat, biting her lip, watching as Nan set the cup of tea and saucer of cookies onto a small tray before sliding over an empty cup towards Dani. “Make your tea,” she said, her eyes so piercing that Dani slowly sat back up and reached for the pot. Nan nodded once and gathered the tray in her hand. “Wait here,” she said, and started towards the back screen door.

Straining her ears towards the backyard, Dani made her tea as silently as she could, hearing the tap of Nan’s cane and the whooshing sound of the door being pulled open, letting in a cool draft. But when all she could hear from the pair outside were muffled voices, words indistinguishable and muted, Dani huffed. For a moment, she strongly considered sneaking closer, taking advantage of her socked feet sliding against the floor, but the fear of getting caught kept her rooted to her chair.

The muffled voices abruptly grew louder. “But that’s not fair!” Jamie whined.

“You don’t see me complaining about missing half a day’s paycheck, do you?” Nan retorted, “You sit out here, have your cuppa and biscuits, and keep your hands busy or so help me God.”

“But —”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, girl. It’s not the end of the world,” Nan said, and stomped back inside, closing the screen door shut with a hard thud.

Wincing in sympathy, Dani could easily picture the indignant glower on Jamie’s face, her cheeks flushed and her brows deeply furrowed.

Nan returned with a scowl, sitting in her seat opposite Dani and resting her cane on the table that wobbled slightly at the movement. Holding her cup in her hands, letting the heat warm her skin, Dani sat quietly as Nan made her own cup of tea, not knowing where to start. It wasn’t that Nan was that terribly difficult to talk to, with her shrewd eyes, endless tales of her time during both World Wars, the spite that kept her going, and a sixth sense for whenever Dani and Jamie somehow managed to find themselves doing something they shouldn't, but well — she was difficult to talk to.

Shoving the tin of cookies towards Dani, Nan gave her a sharp look and said, “Before you get ahead of yourself, I’ve already heard the sorry tale of it.”

Dani paused, and then reached into the tin for a Jammie Dodger. “So you know it’s not her fault?” Dani tried, blinking her eyes innocently, taking a small bite of the cookie, “That she was defending herself?”

Nan snorted, pointing at her with a cookie. “Don’t try that look with me,” she said, “It may work on Judy, but it sure as hell won’t work on me.” Dani ducked her head and took a morose sip of her tea. Nan continued, “I know she was defending the O’Mara boy. But she broke her promise. Got into another fight. Got into trouble. Sure, she helped the boy, but she got nothing for it except a week's worth of detention and the threat of suspension. Again.”

Dani shrank further back in her seat, her frown deepening as she let the words sink in and ate her cookie, and finally said, “But she did though. Get something out of it, that is.”

She looked up and caught Nan’s eye, expression unchanged save for the arch of an eyebrow. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. What she wanted to say — that Jamie proved how much she cared, that Jamie earned a wealth of loyalty that Dani witnessed bloom in Carson’s eyes that she hadn’t seen before — all of it seemed to lodge itself in the back of her throat. Instead, she needed Nan to know the truth of it, she needed Nan to see Jamie for who she was, the importance of it pressing on her chest.

“Jamie’s a good person,” Dani finally murmured.

Nan’s mouth pulled tight. “Well, of course she is,” she said sharply, “She may be a bleeding pain in my arse, but she’s a far sight better than her mother and her knob of a father.”

Dani blinked. Taken aback at not only Nan’s irritation, as if annoyed that Dani reminded her of something that should’ve been obvious, but at the mention of Jamie’s parents. Parents who Jamie had never once mentioned before besides that one time during Dani’s birthday. Always shrugging off questions and changing the subject when mention of them were brought up. It felt strange, discussing something so deeply personal about Jamie, something that Jamie seemed to avoid at all costs, when she was only a few feet away out of hearing range. Dani chanced a glance behind her to where the screen door would be, fearing that any second Jamie might crack and stomp back inside.

“Doesn’t talk much about them, does she?” Nan said, pulling back Dani’s attention. At Nan’s questioning stare, Dani quietly shook her head. Nan hummed, and then she too shook her head, leaning forward on the table, ignoring the way it shifted again, the pull of her stare so acute that Dani couldn’t blink or turn away.

“Now, you listen here. I’ll tell you exactly what I told her,” Nan said, ”She did a good thing, truly. But she went about it the wrong way, you see. There are more ways to go about things than with the end of your fist. I won’t tolerate it. Not in this house. Not again. Nothing good will ever come of it if she keeps it up. Do you understand?”

Dani was quiet for a long moment, absorbing the words, and then nodded.

“Good,” Nan said, leaning back and taking a sip of her tea. “Figured as much. Lord knows the girl was as wild as the wind blew back in England. But ever since coming here and meeting you, she’s been mellowing in her own way, so I suppose…I suppose I should offer you my thanks for your bit in it.”

Dani’s eyes widened, a hot flush warming her cheeks and spreading across her chest. It wasn’t often Nan handed out such free praise or thanks. A pleased thrill ran down Dani’s spine, and the corners of her mouth curled into a shy smile that she hid behind her cup as she finished her tea.

Tisking, Nan took a healthy bite of a cookie. “Don’t let that get to your head. And don’t expect me to ever say that again. You both still drive me mad,” she said, and after a moment, she sighed. “And I reckon you should be getting home now before it gets too dark. Last thing I need is your mother over here.”

“Oh,” Dani murmured, and then finding her courage, she added, “Could you — um. Could you not tell Jamie that I was here, then? I just — I don’t think she’d be happy that I was here, and she didn’t get to see me.”

Nan harrumphed. “Would serve her right,” she said with a displeased twist to her mouth.

“Please?”

Nan watched her for a long moment, expression blank save for a squared jaw, and said, “I’ll think about it.”

Dani’s mouth dared to pull into a grin. Nan huffed and stood, moving to gather her cup. Seeing this, Dani rushed out of her seat to help, gathering both her own and Nan’s cup to set in the sink.

“Buttering me up now, eh?” Nan said, a hand on her cane and the other on her hip. When Dani merely grinned and shrugged, Nan shook her head and then abruptly paused, her eyes scrutinizing. “Did you walk all the way here?”

Nodding, Dani ducked her eyes away from the intensity of Nan’s gaze. Nan hummed again, made a gesture towards the front door and simply said, “Get your things.”

While Nan disappeared somewhere deeper in the house where the bedrooms were, Dani gathered one last cookie, her bag, and slipped back on her shoes and coat. As she waited by the door, itching to see Jamie just once before she left, Nan reappeared wearing a thick coat. Dani offered her arm for Nan to hold as she pushed her feet into a pair of boots and spared one last glance towards the back of the house, letting Nan guide her outside.

The drive home was silent between the pair, the cabin quiet besides the rickety rumble of Nan’s truck and the radio on low playing some oldies station. When Nan pulled up to Dani’s house, the skyline pink and purple in the evening twilight, she turned to thank Nan only to find her scowling towards her home. Frowning, Dani followed Nan’s gaze to look it over, seeing nothing amiss. An empty driveway, a neat lawn, porch lights off.

“You got something to eat for dinner?” Nan abruptly asked.

Dani caught her eyes again and shrugged, vaguely recalling leftovers in the fridge. Peanut butter and bread in the cupboard. “I think so, yeah.”

“Best pop over to Judy’s then.”

Her eyes drifted away to the O’Mara’s house, recalling Eddie’s dejected face. A spark of hope lit inside her. Maybe there was still time to turn things around. Turning back to Nan, Dani nodded, and said, “Thank you for tea. And the ride home.”

Nan grunted in response, and just as Dani unbuckled her seat belt and moved to open the door, Nan’s voice stopped her. “Dani,” she said, her voice demanding attention. Dani paused as Nan gave her a look, knowing and firm. “Two days. Then you’ll see her.”

Dani nodded faintly. Two days. Two days without Jamie. An entire weekend. Almost a lifetime really. Not once in the past two years could Dani recall going more than a day without talking to or seeing Jamie. The idea of it felt almost like cutting off a limb.

“Two days,” Dani repeated, nodding again. She could manage that, she thought, resignation settling heavy on her shoulders. What could be worse than two days?

The moment Dani saw Jamie stepping foot back on the school grounds the following Monday morning, Dani nearly took her off her feet in a running hug. Jamie grunted upon impact, forced back a foot or two.

“Ow, fuck.”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Dani said, starting to remove her arms from around Jamie’s shoulders, but Jamie just laughed, pulling her back into the hug.

“Missed you too,” Jamie said, a smile in her voice.

They stood there hugging for a good minute, giggling as they roughly rocked each other back and forth, as if they hadn’t seen each other for years instead of two days.

“Okay, okay, let me see,” Dani finally said, pulling away to rest her hands on Jamie’s shoulders, getting a good look at her face. Jamie sighed and rolled her eyes under the scrutiny, but sure enough, her face was a discolored mess. The skin around her left eye was bruised purple and red, looking tender to the touch, and her cheek and jaw were mottled a dark purple. Dani winced and said, “You look worse than you did last time.”

“What? You don’t think it brings out the color of my eyes?”

Dani snorted and shoved her by the shoulders. Jamie allowed herself to rock back with a good-natured grin.

“Least my nose didn’t break, thank god,” Jamie said, gently prodding the bridge of her nose, knuckles also discolored, then grimaced. “Though one wanker did manage to get a grip on my braid. Felt like my scalp was gonna rip off. Had a headache all weekend.”

Dani winced again, leaning closer to get a better look, and then gently poked at her bruised cheek. At the slight touch, Jamie jerked back as though Dani had struck her. “Ow! Christ, what’s wrong with you?” she said, though there was a teasing glint in her eyes.

Biting back a laugh, Dani poked her again, this time in the chest. “You don’t get to do that again,” she said, sobering.

“Or what? You gonna call the sheriff on me?”

“No,” Dani said hotly, “You just — you scared me. And I’m pretty sure Nan will lock you away forever next time, so please don’t.”

Jamie’s face blanched, and then shook her head, scowling. “That old nag has it out for me, I swear.”

“She cares for you.”

Jamie gave her a look. “That right?”

“Yes,” Dani said earnestly.

At that, Jamie’s shoulders dropped, her face softening for a moment and then she huffed. “Right. Or you were just that bored without me,” she said, smirking.

Dani rolled her eyes. The weekend hadn’t been a complete waste in truth. Eddie had brightened immeasurably when Dani returned with only the simple explanation that Jamie was grounded. He had even managed a sympathetic grin before leading her deeper into the house. It was like any other weekend spent at the O’Mara’s, except this time there was no Jamie with her silly commentary or teasing as Dani fumbled her way through some game involving fantasy creatures and dice. It almost felt like the days before Jamie and Nan had arrived at North Liberty, except now there had been a distinct large gap of the puzzle missing.

Before Dani could respond however, there was the sound of shoes slapping on concrete.

“Jamie!” was all the warning they both got before Jamie was once again nearly bowled over by the slim frame of Carson. Dani laughed when Jamie swore again, hugging Carson back and laughing, ruffling his hair.

When the bell eventually rang to signal the start of the school day, they made their way to class. There wasn’t much fanfare to Jamie’s return beyond the quiet stares and hushed whispers behind hands through the halls and during class. Jamie at this point had learned to ignore it all, sighing and rolling her eyes whenever she managed to find herself the centerpoint of gossip. Dani on the other hand had no issues with scowling back until those staring spun away. By the time lunch rolled around and they were settling in their seats in the lunchroom, Dani was in the middle of pinning a smirking Jackie with a hard stare when Carson slid next to Jamie with a large tupperware in hand.

Jamie snorted. “Don’t tell me you brought an entire meal with you for lunch,” she said, pulling back Dani’s attention.

Shyly shaking his head, Carson pushed the container towards Jamie. “It’s for you.”

Jamie blinked. “For me?”

Nodding, Carson grinned and said, “Open it!”

A look of uncertainty crossed Jamie’s face. She caught Dani’s eyes, quirking an eyebrow, but Dani just shrugged in response, at a loss herself. Shaking her head, Jamie finally opened the container and her eyes went wide at the sight of a pile of chocolate chip cookies and a big ziploc bag of puppy chow packed inside.

“Holy shit,” Jamie said. “This all for me?”

Biting into his sandwich, Carson nodded and grinned around a mouthful of food. Chuckling, Jamie immediately snatched up a cookie and took a bite. Dani laughed, and reached forward for one of her own.

Jamie swiped at her hand. “Ah, haven’t you heard? These are mine,” Jamie said. Eddie snorted into his own lunch as Dani scoffed, pulling her hand back. “What? You telling me you don’t have your own stash somewhere at home?”

“No,” Dani glowered, her mouth threatening to pull into a smile.

“We made them only for you,” Carson said.

Jamie paused, frowning. “Why?”

Growing shy again, Carson shrugged. “When mom heard what happened, she thought it would be nice if we made you some cookies.”

A grin slowly grew on Jamie’s face. “You helped make these?” she asked, gesturing with the half bitten cookie in hand. At Carson’s slow nod, her grin grew wide and she stuffed the rest of the cookie in her mouth, “Think you’ve found your future calling.”

Carson brightened, shooting upright, but then pulled his lips between his teeth, growing visibly anxious. “I’m sorry you got in trouble.”

Jamie’s chewing slowed. “Don’t worry about it, mate,” she said, shrugging.

Carson’s face twisted. “But, you got beat up! And detention! And grounded! And -!” he paused, pointing at Dani “ — Dani was sad you weren’t with us for the sleepover!”

Pausing, Eddie blinked at Dani. “You were?”

Warmth spread across Dani’s cheeks as all eyes turned towards her. She shrugged helplessly under their stares.

“Well, duh,” Carson said, like it should’ve been obvious. Then he sobered again, remorse in his eyes, “But yeah, I’m — I’m sorry.”

Jamie sighed, and was silent for a long moment before meeting Carson’s eyes. “Well...have any of them bugged you since? Looked at you funny at all?” Slowly, Carson shook his head. Jamie grinned softly in response and shrugged. “Then it was worth it.”

At that, Carson’s shoulders dropped from where they were bunched to his ears, and he matched Jamie’s grin when she ruffled his hair. Even as she did so, she slid the container closer to Dani, who happily took a cookie.

“Ed?” Jamie said, smirking as she shook the container at Eddie. “Biscuit for your clearly shattered nerves last week?”

He rolled his eyes. “Stop calling me that,” he mumbled for what seemed the millionth time, but eventually grinned and took a cookie, “Thanks.”

The rest of the school day passed by in a blur, happy that Jamie was back, happy that things were back to normal.

After waiting out Jamie’s detention, they all exited the school together where Jamie jostled Carson with a wide grin and egged him on into a race towards the car. Before either of them could start a proper countdown, Jamie shoved her books into Dani’s arms and took off like a shot, laughing madly.

“Hey! That’s cheating!” Carson shouted, shoving his own books in Eddie’s arms and ran off after her.

Dani smiled broadly and shook her head as she watched them go, juggling the books in hand. Jamie, already far ahead with her speed and jumpstart, twisted her head around to shout something back at Carson, and abruptly tripped over her own feet in the slick frozen grass and went tumbling across the ground. Dani somehow managed to wince and laugh at the same time as Carson sped past Jamie’s sprawling form, pointing and cackling before tripping himself, going flying on the grass. Even Eddie managed to double over laughing with Dani as they reached the prone pair.

When Jamie hitched along for the ride home, Mike, who had been patiently waiting with a magazine in the car, twisted in his seat to give Jamie a grin. “Nice shiner, bud. Welcome back.”

Jamie’s shoulders straightened proudly. When Dani snorted and rolled her eyes, Jamie nudged her in the ribs, and Dani quickly nudged her back, the pair grinning wide.

But when they arrived at the O’Mara household, a strange tension coiled at Jamie’s shoulders when they stepped inside and slipped off their shoes. Dani frowned curiously at her and the tightness of her mouth and the hard grip she had on her school books that were held together by an old brown belt, an unusual apprehension about her. When they all wandered to the kitchen where Judy already set up shop, chopping at vegetables, Jamie stood even more upright.

“Oh, there she is!” Judy said, brightening into a smile when she caught sight of them. She left her kitchen knife on the counter and made a beeline towards Jamie. “All right, come here. Let me take a look.”

At the sound of the boys snickering, Jamie’s eyes went wide as Judy carefully framed her face with her hands, gently tilting her head side to side, Judy’s face one of concentration as she studied Jamie’s bruises. “Hmm, just as I thought,” Judy said, nodding decisively and smiled wide, resting her hands on Jamie’s shoulders. “A raging case of moxie and a heart of gold.”

Underneath the bruises, Jamie’s face went red as she blinked, the tension easing from her shoulders. Judy merely laughed, and pulled her into a hug, murmuring something that Dani couldn’t hear. Jamie stood stiff before slowly returning the hug, her arms held loose and awkward.

When Judy finally pulled away, Jamie ducked her head and murmured, “Um. Thank you, Mrs. O’Mara.” She raised her head, meeting Judy’s eyes, only to drop her gaze once more. “And for the biscuits, too.”

“I should be thanking you. Carson hasn’t stopped talking about it.”

Carson sputtered, an arm elbow deep in a bag of chips he had pulled out from a cupboard. “No, I haven’t!”

Eddie laughed, making a grab for the bag, but Carson snatched it away just in time with a scowl.

Judy hummed, unconvinced, and turned to give Dani a knowing grin. “He even mentioned what you did, Danielle,” she said, “What you did for Jamie when she first got here.” At the mention of that old memory, of stepping between Jamie and a group of bullies before they were ever friends, Dani blushed hotly, catching Jamie’s eyes as she smirked at Dani. “So, I figured, I’d make us all something special today, just for my two brave girls.”

Jamie blinked again, seemingly frozen as Dani lit up and asked, “Lasagna?”

“Got it in one,” Judy grinned, but then sobered as she looked back at Jamie, “Just please, promise me no more fights? The twins give me enough stress as it is. Not just for the sake of my own heart, but the health of your grandmother’s?”

Jamie’s mouth twisted. “Did Nan talk to you?”

“She may have mentioned it.” Judy’s face gave away nothing.

Jamie’s brows knitted into a slight resigned frown, and slowly she nodded. Pleased, Judy grinned again and gently nudged Jamie towards Dani with a pat to her back. “You kids go wash up and do your schoolwork, and then maybe you could come help me put the lasagna together. And — “ she sighed exasperatedly, returning to the counter “ — boys, put that away before you ruin your appetite.”

Carson nodded eagerly as Eddie groaned, his mouth full of chips, rolling the bag up and stuffing it carelessly back into the cupboard before they both shuffled out of the kitchen. Dani snorted, shaking her head after them, and turned to see Jamie stepping quietly towards her, an odd look on her face.

When Dani led her out of the kitchen, Jamie turned to her, her eyes filled with quiet bewilderment, and slowly asked, “What just happened?”

Dani smiled faintly, recognizing the look in Jamie’s eyes, one that Dani occasionally wore herself after long days in the O’Mara household. If there were words for it, an explanation to it all, then Dani couldn’t even begin to name or explain it, so she shrugged helplessly, grinning when Jamie rolled her eyes.

Later, as Eddie and Jamie were finishing the last of their math homework at the kitchen table, and Carson and Dani helped Judy layer massive baking pans with lasagna noodles, sauce, and various fillings, they heard the sound of the front door opening and the twins crashing in.

“Is she here?” one of them called.

“She better be here!”

Judy pointed. “She’s here.”

Tommy and David rushed into the kitchen, and made a beeline towards Jamie.

“Oh, Christ,” Jamie groaned, already tensing her shoulders.

Judy tisked. “Language.”

Dani laughed, a warmth settling over her as she watched the twins accost Jamie, jostling her shoulders as they proudly remarked at her bruises, comparing them to their own old fighting tokens, and demanded she tell her side of the tale. Jamie tried shoving them off, grumbling and elbowing them in the ribs, but couldn't hide her wide smile.

On the day after the first snowfall of the year, Jamie insisted they go for a walk.

"Don't you have snow in England?" Dani asked.

They were sitting on the back porch of Jamie's house, jamming their feet into boots. Dani was dressed in a pink puffy jacket and swaddled up with a hat and scarf. Meanwhile Jamie had haphazardly tossed on a baggy jacket over her woollen sweater with some ragged fingerless gloves, as if that ensemble would be enough protection from the cold. Years of experience of Iowa winters told Dani that would not be the case.

"Yeah, but not like -" Jamie gestured with one of her boots towards the backyard, "- this."

The blanket of snow was deep and utterly untouched, extending beyond the treeline. The front lawn was another matter entirely. Jamie had spent the previous day shovelling a path from the sidewalk to the front steps until she was pink in the face from exertion, all while Nan watched with a waiting cup of tea in hand as Jamie's reward.

Dani squinted across the glare of sunlight that glittered across the white bank of fresh snowfall. "Not sure why this is so impressive," she said. "It happens every year, and just makes it difficult to walk everywhere."

"You love it," Jamie said.

Dani made a face. "I don’t. It's so cold. And I hate slipping on the sidewalks."

"Yeah, but it means the outdoor track days are cancelled for gym class."

At that, Dani paused. "Well. Yeah. Okay. I do like that."

"Told you." Jamie grinned and Dani rolled her eyes.

Jamie stamped her heel into the final boot, and stood, holding her hands out to Dani, who grabbed hold and allowed herself to be hauled to her feet. Jamie tugged her upright with such force, that Dani — eyes wide — lost her balance, and they went toppling over backwards off the porch into the snow with a chorus of cries and laughter and a spray of white all round.

Dani shuffled into a crouch, Jamie's body warm beneath her and shaking with laughter. "You did that on purpose!"

"I didn't! I swear!" Jamie said, and her smile was so broad it beamed almost as brightly as the sun's reflection. "This, I'm doing on purpose though."

Dani screwed up her face in confusion. "What -?"

In answer, Jamie reached to either side, grabbed two handfuls of snow, and shoved them into Dani's face and neck. A burst of icy water melted down the gap in Dani's scarf, and she shrieked, rolling off Jamie and further into the bank, limbs flailing in her attempts to escape. If this had been the twins, they would have pounced, turning it into a fight to test the trammels of time. Instead, Jamie cackled with laughter and scrambled to her feet, already bounding off towards the treeline with unwieldy steps.

"C'mon!" she shouted over her shoulder.

Shaking herself off, Dani pushed herself upright and started after her, ire singing in her teeth. She slipped and caught herself and stumbled along in Jamie’s wake. Jamie's footsteps were less dainty little impressions and more great gouges taken out of the snow, as though two tracks had been dragged from the porch and off to the trees. Jamie waited for her to catch up beneath the oak from which they had hung a tire swing the two years before. Her dark hair was struck through with snow as if it were a net of clustered stars, and her eyes sparkled. Whatever vengeance Dani had been planning to exact withered and died at the root when Jamie looked at her like that.

"Where are we going?" Dani asked.

Jamie shrugged and turned, stomping away with Dani at her side. "Dunno. Wherever we like. Don't suppose that old tire dump is still a few miles that way?"

"Probably," said Dani. "Why?"

"It's the closest thing to a hill in these parts. I was thinking if it's covered in snow, we might be able to slide down it."

The logic was sound, so Dani nodded. "All right. Are there lots of hills where you're from?"

They stepped up and onto the slightly elevated ground which indicated the train tracks. When Jamie's footing slipped, Dani grabbed hold of her arm to keep her from face-planting into the snow.

"Cheers," Jamie said, but she did not let go of Dani's hand, instead weaving their fingers together and tugging Dani straight down the abandoned track line. "Some hills, yeah. Bigger than here, by far. No mountains though. I'd love to see some honest mountains."

"We can go sometime. You know -" Dani swung their arms back and forth in an exaggerated arc. "When we learn to drive. Maybe before college."

Jamie's brow furrowed. "College? That's not old enough, is it?"

"Yeah, it is. I want to go to one out of state. Somewhere -" Dani hesitated to even voice the idea, but here, alone with Jamie, a pale sky overhead and a pale earth stretching out before her for miles in every direction, she felt brave enough to admit it. "Somewhere not here."

Jamie's gloves were scratchy against her fingers. "You mean university?" she snorted. "Christ. Never imagined myself going to one of those."

"Well, why not?" Dani asked. "Doesn't your Nan want you to go?"

"Not sure if she could afford it even if she did," said Jamie dryly. "But, nah. Not for me. After this, I'm done. Can you imagine me sitting around reading books and writing papers all day? What a laugh."

Jamie chuckled and shook her head, and a fine dusting of snow was knocked loose from the shoulders of her jacket. Dani didn't join her. She contemplated the idea — finishing school here, running off somewhere else, anywhere else, incurring the wrath of her mother, who had always insisted Danielle would go to university — and found the very notion thrilling in a way that made her feel slightly ill. She swallowed, and Jamie squeezed her hand before letting go.

The train tracks were lifted just enough that they poked up through the snow, narrow twin mounds that ran for miles and miles and ended at an old shunt that was still in operation beyond the next town's fertilizer plant. Jamie stood atop one track and walked the steel. The toe of her boots brushed away any snow atop it as she went. She held her arms outstretched to balance herself, and Dani stayed within reach so that Jamie could grab onto her shoulder should she need to regain her balance.

"What do you want to do?" Dani asked.

"Don't know. Don't care," Jamie answered. "I'll figure it out. One day at a time. What about you?"

Dani cast her mind back. She considered the question carefully. Jamie's outstretched hand tapped her on the shoulder, not out of a request for her to answer, but only because Jamie was see-sawing her arms back and forth to keep her footing without needing to hop off the track.

Eventually, Dani said, "Teach kids, maybe."

Jamie snorted, and a plume of white left her mouth like a cloud. "What? Like Mary Poppins?"

Dani could feel her own cheeks burn, and knew she must have been as pink as her puffy jacket. "No," she said primly. "Like Miss Blythe."

Miss Blythe, their new homeroom teacher this year, was young and smart and pretty. She smiled a lot, and she always wore nice skirts and flowing blouses. She remembered everyone's names, and her hair was shiny and dark when she bowed her head at her desk to read their assignments. Dani couldn't think of anyone she would like to resemble so much as Miss Blythe.

Jamie shot her a grin. "You like her, don't you?"

"Of course, I like her," said Dani. “I think she’s wonderful.”

"Not like that. You like like her."

If Dani's cheeks had been flushed before, it was nothing to the way heat flooded her face now. "I -! I do not!"

"Mhmm," said Jamie, and her grin had graduated into a fully fledged smirk now. "Sure."

Dani spluttered indignantly. "That’s not -! I don't -! Well, she's very pretty, but that's hardly -! I just think she's nice. And she always treats everyone fairly. And she - she makes you feel included, and she's so good at - Stop laughing! Jamie!"

"Aw! Poor Poppins with a crush on teacher!" Jamie laughed. "Don't let Ed hear about that. He'll be jealous."

With a huff, Dani shoved at Jamie's shoulder, and Jamie staggered off into the snow — arms pinwheeling — but didn't fall down. Jamie snickered good-naturedly and stepped back into place atop the rail to continue balancing her way down the track. "You'd make a good teacher."

Dani sucked in a lungful of icy air so fast it made her chest burn. She glanced up at Jamie, who was concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. "You think so?"

"Yup," said Jamie, and for all her earlier teasing her voice now was sure and firm. She did not expand; she had only certainty. Then she added with an exaggerated shiver, "Wish we'd brought a thermos with a cuppa. Bloody freezing out here."

"I told you to bring Nan's extra scarf."

Jamie pulled a grotesque face as though she'd bitten into something rotten. "It smells like mothballs."

"Better that than be cold."

"Rather be cold than smell like pure shite."

Shaking her head, Dani reached up and unwound her own white scarf. She zipped up her jacket the rest of the way to accommodate the cold, and held the scarf out to Jamie. "Here."

Jamie blinked down at her. She lowered her arms and her steps slowed. "Really," she said. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"Just take the scarf, dummy," said Dani, shaking it at her so that one of the tasselled ends trailed from her fist.

"You get cold easier than me."

"True," Dani said. "But my jacket is puffier and I also have my hat."

Reluctantly, Jamie took the scarf with a mumbled, "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Dani replied and began to continue on her way.

Jamie did not immediately follow. Confused, Dani turned around after a few steps to find Jamie still staring down at the scarf with an odd expression on her face, as though she didn't quite know what to do with it.

"Do you need help?" Dani asked. "Is your collarbone okay?"

At that Jamie gave a derisive snort. "Collarbone's fine. That was ages ago, anyway."

Dani frowned. She knew Jamie was stubborn. And she knew that some sub-surface injuries could ache for years. Nan was always cursing about her knee in the cold weather, after all. She herself had never broken a bone in all twelve and a half years of her life, and had only the experiences of others to go by.

Before she could say anything else though, Jamie had begun walking along the track again, scarf stretched between her hands. “It’s just -” she lifted it round her neck “- still warm. Wasn’t really expecting -”

It happened in an instant. One moment, Jamie was balancing her way across the rail track. The next, she had slipped headlong and was writhing on the ground, gloved hands clutching her face. Dani’s eyes went wide. A splash of red sliced all across the snow.

“Fuck!” Jamie’s shout was muffled into her palms. “Fuck!”

“Jamie!”

Stumbling forward, Dani rushed to her side. As gently as she could, she pulled Jamie’s hands away from her face. The honed and frosted edge of the old railway track had split a broad line along Jamie’s chin and lower lip, so that the skin there had burst at the seams like the flesh of an overripe fruit. Blood dripped steadily from Jamie’s chin and the line of her jaw, splattering the ivory-coloured scarf around her neck with wine-dark splotches.

“Are you all right?” Dani asked, trembling hands still holding Jamie by the wrists.

Jamie’s eyes were squeezed shut. She nodded. “Yeah. Absolutely peachy. Shit -!” Her tongue darted out and she hissed when the tip of it touched the gash in her lip.

“Here.” Dani grabbed the ends of the scarf and pressed them tightly against the wound, stemming the flow of blood.

Jamie tried to pull away. “Your scarf - It’ll get all -”

“Who cares about the scarf?” Dani said, and she wound the scarf in such a way that it could act as makeshift gauze. Even after it was tied and tethered in place, her fingers lingered against the warm skin of Jamie’s neck. She brushed her thumbs against the bluffs of Jamie’s cheeks, rubbing away a smatter of blood there. “Let’s get you home. You’ll probably need to see a doctor and get stitches.”

Jamie’s eyes were wide and she was staring up at her. The scarf bobbed as she opened and closed her mouth, but said nothing. Then she winced. “Yeah. Yeah, all right.”

Dropping her hand to Jamie’s shoulder, Dani helped her up and guided her around so they could slowly make their way back to the house. Jamie shivered, and Dani draped her arm across her shoulders to huddle her closer, so that their hips jostled when they walked. When Jamie made a soft noise muffled by the scarf, Dani stole a glance at her profile.

“Does it hurt a lot?” she asked.

Jamie shook her head. Then after a pause she nodded in defeat. She groaned faintly. “Nan’s gonna kill me," she mumbled. "Again.”

"Danielle, slow down!"

Reluctantly Dani did as asked, her boots skidding to a walk. The street between Dani's house and the O'Mara residence was deep with snow. Christmas morning was crisp, the sky a blue so bright it almost hurt to look at. Her breath shivered on the air, and her mother's fingers were bright with the spot of an ember from a lit cigarette. Karen had a hastily wrapped present beneath one arm, while Dani carried the rest, so that she crinkled with foil paper and excitement with every step.

Dani reached the front door first and bounced on the balls of her feet until her mother arrived. Sighing, her mother flicked the cigarette into a bank of snow, where it hissed and vanished in a thread of smoke. Judy was the only person Dani knew who observed a strict ‘no smoking indoors’ policy. Not due to any health benefits, but because she complained that cigarette smoke stained the wallpaper yellow. The moment Karen stood beside her on the top step, Dani reached out to ring the doorbell only for her mother to stop her with a hand on Dani's cheek.

"Look at you. What a mess," her mother muttered, licking the pad of her thumb and using it to rub at a spot of syrup on Dani's cheek, all pink from the cold.

"Mom," Dani whined, but when Karen gave her a look she went quiet. Her nose scrunched up and she closed one eye until Karen deemed her suitable for company.

"I told you to wash your face before we left," Karen said. "Obviously I wasn't worth listening to."

"Sorry," Dani mumbled.

Lowering her hand, Karen made an abrupt gesture towards the door. Dani did not wait a second longer to push the doorbell. She could hear the two-toned chime inside followed by the sound of thudding footsteps, and then Eddie wrenched open the door. His face broke into a beaming smile when he saw who it was.

"You made it!"

"Merry Christmas," Dani said, returning his smile.

"Come on. Let's get these under the tree." Eddie reached out to take some of the presents, but froze when Karen cleared her throat pointedly. "Uh - I mean -" he pushed his glasses further up his nose and shuffled his feet. "Merry Christmas, Mrs. Clayton. Won't you please come inside? My mom and dad are in the kitchen making coffee."

"Thank you," said Karen and as she stepped past him into the house, she pressed the present she was carrying into his hands.

They waited awkwardly for her to take off her boots and leave them on the towel stretched out in the foyer for just that purpose. Only when she had left did Eddie turn back to Dani, "Bad morning?" he asked.

Dani shrugged. "Not really. Just normal."

"Ah.” Eddie nodded in solemn understanding, then gave her a smile. “Okay. Here let me take those." He freed her arms of presents so Dani could take off her own boots and coat and scarf. Then he shut the door with his foot and nodded towards the living room beyond. "Let's go."

Every inch of the living room had been transformed by the addition of Christmas decorations strewn about — wreaths and holly, pine cones and tinsel, a tree that scraped the ceiling and a nativity set on the mantelpiece over the crackling fireplace. Tommy and David were already bickering over a card game, while Carson looked on, whining about not being dealt a hand.

“C’mon,” he said. “I wanna play, too!”

“You can’t,” said Tommy, frowning down at his hand.

“But it’s better with more people! Why is it you two always do stuff alone!”

David drew a card and shrugged, sharing a secret grin with Tommy. “It’s a twin thing,” he said.

The moment Carson saw that Dani had entered the room however, his eyes lit up and he abandoned his older brothers.

“Hi!” he said, rushing forward. “Need help with those?”

Without waiting for an answer, he took what remained of the presents still in Dani’s hands and went with Eddie to place them under the tree with the mound of other presents already assembled there. Dani could see him looking over the presents she had brought for any sign of names, and when he found his own he tossed down the others in favor of shaking the box to determine its contents.

“Knock it off!” Eddie swatted the back of Carson’s head and took the present from him.

“Hey! That’s mine!”

Carson tried to snatch the present back, but Eddie held it high above his head where Carson couldn’t reach.

“Mom!” Carson called out towards the kitchen. “Eddie took my present!”

“Edmund, give Carson back his present!” Judy’s voice called from the other room over the murmur of adults sequestering themselves away for as long as possible before they had to face the onslaught of kids with too much sugar in their systems for ten in the morning.

Rolling his eyes, Eddie shoved the box into Carson’s chest, so that Carson grunted and had to take a step back. “Whatever,” Eddie said. “Just don’t open it before everyone else gets here.”

"Who else is coming?" Carson asked. He turned the box over a few more times and shook it, only to give up and put it beneath the tree.

"Jamie and Nan," Dani said.

"Oh! Great!" said Carson. "More presents!"

Dani glanced around towards Tommy and David, but the twins were engrossed in a way that she knew meant they wouldn't be open to intruders — especially not ones they thought were young and annoying. So, she instead said, "Monopoly?"

Eddie scratched at the side of his head, dark curls mussed beneath his fingers. "Kind of a long game to start. Don't you think?"

"Well -" said Dani, but Carson had already darted towards a wooden chest that doubled as a coffee table, opening it to pull out the Monopoly board.

"I get to be the dog!" Carson called out, yanking open the box's lid and setting up the board on the floor before the Christmas tree.

Eddie sighed, but Dani just smiled at him. She grabbed his arm and hauled him over to play a game while they waited. Dani picked the unassuming little iron token, and led the other two on a merry chase around the board. Fake paper money slowly flowed onto her side of the board, neatly tucked away in piles of descending order, whilst Eddie and Carson frowned and puzzled over how she managed it.

"You're cheating," Eddie said with narrowed eyes behind his round spectacles. "I don't know how, but you're cheating."

Dani held out her hand primly towards Carson, who was glum as he counted out bills and pressed them into her waiting palm. "I am not cheating," she said. "Carson, you've stiffed me twenty dollars."

Carson screwed up his face and stuck his tongue out at her, but handed over the final twenty that he'd slipped beneath his leg in the hopes that she wouldn't notice.

"Thank you," she said in a light sing-song tone that made Carson harrumph wordlessly in reply.

Eddie craned his neck and looked over his shoulder at the clock hanging on the wall. "Where are they?"

Dani glanced up from where she was dividing up her cash into their respective piles. An hour had come and gone, and still no sign of the others. As if summoned, there was a knock at the door.

"Thank god," Carson muttered, darting to his feet and scampering towards the door. "Game's over. Dani cheated."

"I didn't cheat!" she called after him, exasperated.

But Carson was already pulling open the door, and she could hear his voice floating into the living room from down the hall. "Hi, Jamie! Hi Mrs. Heron! You're late!"

"Don't just say that!" Eddie shouted. Then he shook his head and began helping Dani clean up the board. "Still don't know how you managed to get all those hotels."

"Maybe if you're nice to me, I'll tell you," Dani teased.

Going stock still, Eddie blinked at her.

"What?" Dani asked slowly.

The odd expression on his face washed away like yesterday's sunlight, and he shook his head with a huff of nervous laughter. “Nothing.”

Briefly puzzled, she watched him place the lid back over the box and put the game away. There was movement at the edges of her vision, and when Dani looked up it was to find Nan and Jamie removing their coats and hanging them on hooks that lined the wall by the door. Jamie was brushing snow from her long hair, brow furrowed, while her other hand was balancing gifts that were expertly wrapped, not a crease or fold out of place. The gash slicing through her chin and lower lip had healed somewhat since their last fiasco — the stitches removed — but the skin around it stretched and pulled, looking reddened and angry.

Dani waved and Jamie’s expression brightened. Jamie started towards her, only for Nan to reach out and haul her back by the scruff of her neck.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Nan said. “Shoes off. And don’t roll your eyes at me.”

With an extra exaggerated roll of her eyes for good measure, Jamie leaned over to undo her laces and rid herself of her snow-dusted boots.

Judy emerged from the kitchen. "Oh, Ruth! I'm so glad you could make it! Do you want coffee?"

Nan shook her head and began limping in her direction. "No, thank you, Judy. Just some boiled water for me should do the trick." As she went, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a ziploc bag filled with tea bags.

Judy smiled. "Sure thing. I'll stick a mug of water in the microwave for you."

Judy disappeared back into the kitchen, and Nan's expression was completely horrified. Dani watched this interaction and bit her lip to keep from laughing. Nan noticed and glowered. "Think that's funny, do you?"

Dani shook her head furiously. "No, ma'am. It's just — they don't have a kettle."

Nan sighed. "Uncivilized country." And, muttering to herself, she retreated into the kitchen after Judy to meet her fate.

Footsteps padded across the carpet and Jamie approached. "Can I put these down?" she asked, cradling a small tower of packages.

"Yeah, of course," said Eddie, darting up to help.

"Sorry we're late," Jamie said as they arranged the last of the presents beneath the tree. "Nan's fussy about wrapping. Likes everything to be perfect."

"They look really nice," Dani assured her, admiring the pristine packaging with a tilt of her head.

Jamie snorted. "Made me do that one three times. And then I had to clean up everything before we left."

"Mom!" Carson yelled, running so fast down the hall towards the kitchen that he skidded across the wooden flooring in a blur. "Mom! Everyone's here! Can we open presents now? Please?"

Jamie arched an eyebrow after him. "He always this mental during the holidays?" she asked.

"Yes," said both Dani and Eddie in unison.

"Don't see what all the fuss is about, personally."

"Well," said Eddie, drawling out the word in a thoughtful manner, "Getting new stuff is always nice."

At that, Jamie seemed a bit dubious. She scratched contemplatively at the raised pink tissue of her chin until Dani reached out to still her hand.

"You shouldn't scratch," Dani said.

Curling her fingers into a fist, Jamie dropped her own hand into her lap, looking churlish. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Still itches, though." And then her eyes skimmed over Dani’s outfit, blinking, as though now just noticing it. “Why do you look like you just jumped out of one of your mum’s catalogues?”

“Because I did,” Dani said, fighting back a sigh. “Or well, the dress did. Mom got it for me for Christmas.”

Dani glanced down at the outfit in question, a long sleeved dark green dress with a red floral pattern by the hem and a lace neckline. It was a dress that felt more suited to warmer weather, the thin material doing next to nothing to help keep Dani warm, regardless of the white tights she wore or how warm Judy kept the house. What Dani didn’t mention was that while it wasn’t a terrible dress, she’d had a completely different outfit in mind this morning, but when she had pulled out the dress from its box, her mom had held it up to the length of Dani with such a wide pleased smile and demanded that Dani wear it in a tone the brooked no room for argument.

Jamie scanned over the dress again, humming in contemplation, and shrugged. “Looks nice, actually,” she said, catching Dani’s eyes and giving her a grin.

Before Dani could respond, her cheeks warm, the kitchen door opened and the parents began to filter out into the living room. The Christmas tree sparkled, casting a warm glow against Jamie's profile as she craned her neck to watch. Dani barely registered everyone else, and when Jamie turned to find her staring, Dani smiled.

With a befuddled smile of her own, Jamie asked, "What?"

Dani shrugged. "It's just nice to have you over."

"I come over here all the time."

"Yeah, but this is different."

"If you say so."

The couches and armchairs were quickly taken up by adults, while anyone under the age of eighteen was forced to continue sitting on the floor. Nan lowered herself into a chair with care, maneuvering her cup of tea and her cane. Karen perched herself idly on the arm of the couch right beside Judy, sipping on a cup of coffee. Mike sat by his wife, looking tired but content in his Argyle patterned sweater vest and matching socks.

"All right -" Judy started.

"Me first!" Carson blurted out, diving for the nearest present with his name on it.

With a grin and a rueful shake of her head, Judy motioned towards Eddie and Dani. “Just start passing everything around, won’t you?”

Nodding, Dani and Eddie reached for the presents. Dani read out the name scrawled across the wrapping paper and handed it over to Mike, who had to lean half out of the sofa to take it with a smile and a murmured, "Thanks." Carson was already ripping the paper off of a racing kit set for toy cars, but Dani set one of her own presents aside until everyone else had one in their hands. She kept her eyes on Jamie sitting next to her, as Jamie turned over a lumpy package that Dani had wrapped just earlier that morning. The expression on Jamie's face was both odd and awed, as if she couldn't quite believe that she had received presents at all. Every now and then she would dart her eyes towards Nan like she was checking to see that she was even allowed to do this, to be here, surrounded by people who liked her enough to buy her gifts.

Dani nudged Jamie's elbow with her own. "Open it," she said.

Jamie did not immediately do so. She turned the package over once more before carefully running her thumb beneath a fold in the wrapping, tearing through a scrap of tape holding the pieces together. Dani opened the present from Jamie at the same time — which was far better wrapped than her own — and the two of them blinked at each other in startled confusion when they each revealed a scarf.

"I got you one because I ruined yours," Jamie said.

"Well, I got you one because you don't have one," said Dani.

They held each other's gazes for a beat longer, until they cracked and snorted with laughter.

"Okay," Jamie said with a grin. "We're dumb."

"Funny, though," Dani replied.

Jamie shook her head, but her smile was broad as she leaned across Dani to reach for another present beneath the tree. "Hey, Ed," she said, tossing the present towards him. "This one's for you."

Eddie caught the gift. "Thanks. I wonder what it could be," he said dryly, weighing the package that was so clearly in the shape of a baseball mitt it would be impossible to mistake.

"A cricket bat, maybe," Jamie said.

Eddie made a face at her, but when he opened the gift to reveal a brand new mitt, his voice was warm when he said, "My old one is falling apart. Thanks, Jamie."

"Thank Nan. I can't afford shit."

"Language!" Nan barked, while at the same time Judy scolded, "Jamie Taylor!"

Jamie ducked her head and grimaced, reaching for another gift and handing it off to one of the twins. "Whoops," she muttered under her breath, not sounding sorry at all.

Dani shook her head but smiled. One by one the gifts were parceled out until Judy's living room floor was a mess of shredded wrapping paper and opened boxes spilling out with packing peanuts and bubble wrap. David and Tommy fought over who got to play the Mattel Electronics Football Game first. Carson had encloistered himself in a corner nearest the fireplace and was busy setting up his racing kit set with a single-minded focus, tongue between his teeth. Dani smiled at a jar labelled 'Travel Fund' that she had received from Jamie in a rucksack that already had a US flag patch sewn onto the red canvas fabric with space left for other future flags. And all of them had received a signature sweater from Judy, which was ugly beyond compare and which made Karen's face pucker up when Dani immediately pulled it on over her dress.

"Do they have to look like that?" Karen asked.

"What?" said Judy with a guileless shrug. "They're warm!"

Sighing, Karen stood and started towards the kitchen. "I'll put on another pot of coffee."

"Ruth, do you want another cup of boiling water for your tea?" Judy asked.

Nan's answering smile looked forced. "Cheers, but I'll be right."

Most of the presents had now been opened. Mike had pulled on a new pair of socks — the same gift he received every year, but which he always seemed pleased — and Eddie was fiddling with a pair of walkie talkies, trying to figure out how they worked.

"Hey, dad?" he asked. "Do we have any batteries?"

"Garage," Mike said, and Eddie went off in search, taking the walkie talkie set with him.

"Bring back some double As for me, too!" Jamie called after him. She waved with the pocket transistor radio that she'd been given by Judy and Mike, and which hadn't left her lap since she had first opened it with wide eyes.

"Yeah, sure," answered Eddie.

Dani ducked down to reach the last of the gifts hidden beneath the low-slung branches, dragging them out into the light. "This one's for -" she tilted her head and twisted the package around. "- Jamie. From Nan."

Jamie opened the gift and rolled her eyes. "A new pair of gardening gloves," she said in a deadpan voice, holding up the leather gloves. "Joy of joys."

"Ones that fit this time," said Nan, nodding. "And if you lose this pair like you did the last, you'll be paying for the next yourself."

Jamie grumbled something under her breath.

Nan sniffed. "In my day, we were thankful if a bomb didn't drop on us during Christmas."

"Oh my god. The Blitz is over, Nan. Give it a rest," Jamie groaned, but dutifully set the gloves aside atop her transistor radio.

From the couch, Judy gestured towards one of the remaining presents with the toe of her slipper. "Danielle, there's another one there for you that you missed."

"Oh." Dani turned it over to see that it was labelled for her from the O'Maras. While she opened it, beside her Jamie began pulling on every article of clothing she had received as a gift — sweater, scarf, and garden gloves — until she was wrapped up and ready to brave the elements at the drop of a hat. Dani grinned at her, but then blinked in surprise at the box beneath the wrapping paper portraying a new polaroid camera.

"Oh, wow," she breathed.

Hastily, Dani pushed aside the wrapping paper and pulled open the box. The camera was small enough to fit in both her hands. She fiddled with it, reading the instructions so she could point the camera and squint into the eyepiece at Jamie. Through the lens, Jamie's figure was slightly distorted. Jamie turned, saw the camera aimed in her direction, and waved. Dani pressed a button down, and there was a resultant click, a flash and whir, and a square slip of film was spat out by the camera. Lowering it, she tugged at the film. Its surface was greyish, the image slowly taking hold, a silhouette as faintly visible as a specter cast in watery sunlight.

"This the last one?"

Dani's head jerked up before she could watch the image fully materialize. When she saw Jamie inspecting the final present to be unwrapped, she set the camera and the square strip of film down. "Yeah. That one's from me."

Jamie's eyebrows rose. "But you already got me something," she said. She took off the gardening gloves and tugged at the scarf wound about her neck, tossing both onto the ground.

"I wanted to get you something else, too," Dani said.

Jamie stared at her for a moment, her expression unreadable. In the background, Tommy had wrestled the handheld video game from his twin brother. Mike and Nan were chatting away about something boring and adult — war and history, perhaps. Judy had leaned back against the couch, neck craned so she could peer into the kitchen and say something to Karen, who was standing in the doorway with an unlit cigarette dangling from her mouth. Dani smiled and made a motion for Jamie to open her final gift.

Clearing her throat, Jamie began unwrapping the present, taking great pains not to rip a single section of the paper no matter how hastily wrapped in the first place. The box beneath was small, small enough to fit in Jamie's palm. Brows furrowed, she opened it and sucked in a lungful of air. The two identical necklaces entwined inside were cheap and plated, but they gleamed in the Christmas tree lights when Jamie pulled them from their box, sinuous chains pinched between thumb and forefinger.

"Why are there two?" Jamie asked.

"One for you," said Dani, reaching out and taking a necklace with a self-satisfied grin. "And one for me."

Even after Dani had put her own necklace on, Jamie remained frozen in place. The simple chain rotated slowly in place, suspended from her hand, and the half dollar piece pierced midway down the length was a match to the coin that now hung at the hollow of Dani's throat.

"Mike helped me drill the holes," Dani said proudly. "But the rest I did myself."

Jamie swallowed, her throat working, but she said nothing.

Dani frowned and said slowly, "Do you want this one instead?" She lifted the chain away from her neck with her thumb.

Jerking as if from a reverie, Jamie shook her head. "No," she said. She cleared her throat and continued, “No, I like this one. Thank you.”

“Dad, I can’t find them!” Eddie’s voice called from down the hall.

Sighing, Mike pushed himself to his feet and went off to help look for batteries. “Did you check the drawer above the tool set, bud?”

“I did!” Eddie insisted. “They’re not there!”

Jamie was tugging aside her braid so she could fasten the necklace in place beneath it. Behind her, Judy leaned forward in her seat. “Jamie, I told Mike that you were working on that old bike you found.”

Glancing up at her, Jamie gave a nod that she was listening.

“And,” Judy continued, “he said you’re welcome to bring the bike around any time to work on it over here. If you need tools or spare parts, the garage is your oyster.”

Jamie lowered her hands and the necklace was a silvery glimmer that hung down her chest, disappearing beneath the neck of her sweater. “Thanks, Mrs. O’Mara.”

“Please. Call me Judy.”

From the sidelines, Nan lifted a finger to point threateningly at Jamie and growled, “Do not do that.”

Jamie gave Judy an apologetic grin and lifted both hands, palms up, as if in surrender. Judy laughed fondly, eyes bright as she watched Jamie resettle her braid. “Honey, you have such beautiful long hair, why didn’t you leave it open today?”

Nan snorted. “Hell would have to freeze over for that girl to leave her hair down.”

Visibly fighting back a scowl, Jamie shrugged and offered Judy a weak smile. “Just gets in the way, is all.”

“Oh, you wouldn’t have to worry about that if you’d let me help,” Judy said, “We could tie some of it back and tame those curls to some lovely waves like Danielle’s hair.”

At the mention of Dani’s hair, Jamie’s eyes darted to the loose blonde waves cascading over Dani’s shoulders, and both Dani and Judy laughed when Jamie failed to hide her wince.

Meanwhile in the nearby corner, Carson threw down a piece of plastic car track in exasperation. “Jamie,” he called across the room. “Can you help me build this? It’s not working.”

“Sure. Hold up.” Seeing her chance to escape, Jamie quickly stood and wandered over to him, crouching down before the warren of track he had assembled already. “What on earth have you done?”

“I followed the instructions!” Carson whined, holding up a piece of paper.

“Why don’t I believe you?” Jamie snatched the instructions from his hand, then rolled them up to lightly smack him over the head with the pages. He spluttered and slapped her hand away.

“Look at them,” Judy said to Nan while they watched Jamie help Carson set up the toy car track. “Aren’t they cute together?”

“Bit young for that sort of thing, don’t you think?”

“Well, she did defend him from all those bullies. And afterwards, Carson spoke of nothing else. It was ‘Jamie this’ and ‘Jamie that’ for a week solid.”

Jamie overheard the adults talking. She shared a befuddled look with Dani and then mimed being sick. Beside her, Carson had gone bright red, trying and failing to pretend he hadn’t heard anything, while Dani bit back a smile.

“Gross,” Carson said under his breath.

“You can say that again,” Jamie muttered.

“Gross.”

“That’s the spirit. Now, hand me that bit of track over there. No, no, the other one.”

Dani’s gaze dropped to the picture she had taken. She picked it up from the carpet to inspect it more closely. It had finally taken form, and she smiled at the image of Jamie’s half-hidden grin behind a big scarf, her hand bulky from the gardening gloves and blurred from movement. Tucking it away for safekeeping, Dani lifted the camera into her hands once more and pointed it in Jamie and Carson’s direction for another picture.

Much later after lunch, still laughing at the way Nan had spooked Mike and the twins into action to clear the dining room table and clean up the dishes with just a single look and comment, Dani and the others had taken to testing out the limits of Eddie’s walkie talkies around the house. At the moment, she and Jamie were holed up in the upstairs bathroom with one set while Eddie and Carson were running around with the other.

“Can you hear me now? Over.” Eddie’s voice came through the speakers, tinny and muffled.

“Yeah,” Dani responded, “Where are you?”

“You’re supposed to say Over,” Eddie said, “Over.”

Jamie sighed and rolled her eyes, pulling the walkie talkie in Dani’s hand close to her mouth, pressing down on Dani’s thumb that she held over the push to talk button. “Just answer the question, you tit.”

Dani snorted as Eddie grumbled on the other side. “Hold on,” he said, and then a beat passed before he said, “We’re in the garage, how about now?”

“Loud and clear, soldier,” Jamie said dryly and let go of the walkie talkie to turn to Dani with a glint in her eyes, “Y’know, I reckon this thing could even reach beyond your house. Could you imagine putting one under his bed and being able to scare the shite out of him and he wouldn’t even know you were a block away.”

Dani laughed, but said, “That’s mean.”

“Oh, come off it. You’ve thought about it.”

In truth, Dani hadn’t. While Carson had already laid claim to one half of the set much to Eddie’s annoyance, Eddie had already quietly offered Dani to share so they’d could have conversations between their houses without Dani having to come over or hog the house phone. It was a sweet offer, and a tempting one, being able to talk to Eddie whenever she wanted, but looking at Carson’s eager expression, she couldn’t bear to take away the excitement from him.

“Nope,” Dani replied, ignoring Jamie’s dubious look, and continued, “What I am thinking about though, is if there’s any cookies left downstairs.”

Jamie’s eyes lit up just as Eddie’s voice returned. “Okay, we’re in the basement, how about now?”

Taking the walkie talkie from Dani, Jamie said, “Perfectly. Are Tweedledee and Tweedledum down there yet?”

“Yeah,” Eddie replied.

“Ask them if they’ve eaten all the biscuits yet.”

“Biscuits?”

Jamie huffed. “Cookies,” she said, then pulled her finger off the button to mutter, “Christ's sake, you Yanks.”

Snorting again, Dani gave Jamie a curious look, but Jamie just grinned at her until Eddie finally responded, “They said no, but they laughed so I’m not really sure.”

“Means they probably left the shite kind,” Jamie said, “Doesn’t matter, I’ve got a plan. Dani’s gonna run down to grab us a plate, and I’m gonna sneak out to her house to see if this thing can reach there.”

Dani’s eyes went wide.

“Roger that, over and out,” Eddie said, and then there was silence.

“Jamie,” Dani hissed, “Nan will kill you.”

The look Jamie gave her was exasperated. “You’d think she’d done it by now after everything, yeah?”

That made Dani pause, recollecting all the moments when she was sure Nan was about to pop a blood vessel, but never once did anything more beyond a light thwack on the head with her hand or on the ankle with her cane.

Seeing the realization creep onto Dani’s face, Jamie grinned. “See? Won’t take but a minute,” she said, already rushing out the bathroom door.

“Wear a jacket,” Dani called out, and in response, Jamie grinned and saluted her with two fingers before disappearing.

Sighing, Dani waited a minute to give Jamie the time to sneak out without making too big of a scene and then finally descended the stairs. When she reached the ground floor with no Jamie in sight, Dani carefully peeked into the living room to see that all of the adults were none the wiser, Christmas music playing on low as they talked and laughed, the tv playing some movie on mute. The only thing that was curious, was that her mom was missing. Shrugging, Dani ventured off to the kitchen.

True to word, there were cookies left, and just as Jamie had said, they were the kind that would always be left for last on the plate or in the tin. But cookies were cookies, so Dani began helping herself pile some on a plate for the four of them, and just as she decided that some milk would do nicely to go with it, her mother wandered into the kitchen from the back door. Her hand jerked back from the fridge door handle when her mother caught sight of her and the plate of cookies on the counter.

“Cookies? Danielle, you just had a big lunch,” Karen said, stepping closer with a near empty glass of wine in hand, her cheeks flushed pink from the cold, and smelling strong of fresh cigarette smoke.

Dani shrugged, and murmured, “We wanted snacks.”

Her mother sighed, a hand on her hip, her eyes darting over Dani’s sweater. Dani looked away, shying away from her mother’s scrutiny, her shoulders bunching up. “Are you going to wear that all day?” Karen asked. “It’s covering up your pretty dress.”

“I like it,” Dani said, chancing a glance up at her mother to see her mouth slowly twist into a displeased frown. Dani quickly added, “It’s warm, and-and it’s a little cold, so I thought — “

“Danielle, if you didn’t like the dress, all you had to do was say so,” Karen said, her voice sharp, taking another step closer.

Dani blinked up at her, taking a step back until she was pressing against the counter. “I didn’t — I didn’t say that,” Dani murmured, her hands clenched into fists. “I like it. It’s just cold.”

Gradually, the firm lines of her mother’s face cleared until she was staring down at Dani with a near unrecognizable expression. Her mother glanced down at the glass in her hand for a moment before slowly holding it out to Dani. Frowning, Dani looked down at it. Dark red wine swirled in the glass, just only a mouthful left. She had lost track by now since escaping deeper into the house with the others; she couldn’t tell if this was the third glass after the first two Dani counted her mother having during lunch, or if this was somewhere in the realm of the fourth or fifth.

Dani glanced back up to give her mother a questioning look. “Try it,” Karen said, gesturing with the glass. The wine swirled dangerously near the lip of the glass. “Just a sip.”

Hesitantly, Dani unclenched one fist and reached out to the glass, slowly taking it from her mother’s grasp. She swallowed hard, staring down at the ominous burgundy liquid, and darted her eyes back up to her mother for any sharp glint in her eyes, any tension to the corners of her mouth, any clue to see if this was some trick, some test. But her mother only breathed out a laugh and murmured, “Go on.”

Taking a second to gather her courage, Dani lifted the glass to her mouth and took a small sip, and almost immediately twisted up her face. It was bitter, settling heavy and thick on her tongue even as she swallowed it down. Her mom laughed at the expression on her face as Dani pushed the glass back in her hand, wine still remaining at the bottom.

Dani wiped her mouth as though the motion could remove the sour taste in her mouth. Her mom stepped away, still laughing and lifting a finger from the glass to point at Dani. “Consider yourself lucky,” she said, “The first drink my father ever let me try was scotch when I was nine. Now that burned.”

That made Dani pause, staring at her mom as she downed the rest of the wine with ease. It wasn’t often her mother spoke of Dani’s grandfather. “He always used to do that,” Karen said, a rueful look in her glassy eyes, “He was always such a sweet man when he was drinking, like it was the only way he knew how to show affection. But when he was sober though —” her mother chuckled, a short bitter thing “ — that was an entirely different story.”

Dani stood frozen, watching her mother swallow thickly and clear her throat, opening a cabinet to pull out a bottle of wine. An uncomfortable churning began in Dani’s stomach, though she couldn’t tell if it was from the sip of wine she tasted, or from watching her mother pour herself another glass, more than she had in previous drinks. As though sensing Dani’s discomfort, her mother stared at her, resting the bottle on the kitchen table with a heavy ominous thud.

“Don’t you start,” Karen said, her eyes suddenly and inexplicably hardened.

“Start what?” Dani asked, her eyes darting up to her mother’s, curling further into the hunch of her shoulders. She hadn’t done anything beyond stare at the wine with some measure of concern, but at the sight of mother’s face shadowed with a severe frown, Dani knew immediately that she had misstepped somewhere over the course of the day.

“You think I haven’t seen your little looks all day? Counting? Judging?”

Dani could hear it then, the slight slur to her mother’s voice. Could see it in her piercing glassy eyes. Could feel it in the way her mother stepped closer again, her shoulders tense and feet moving with purpose. The urge to run struck Dani hard in the chest, but she remained frozen, pressing back harder into the counter behind her as her mother loomed over her.

“I didn’t - I wasn’t doing anything,” Dani stuttered, her heart crashing against her ribs.

Karen scoffed. “No? So, I imagined it then. Like a fool.”

“N-no, I — “ Unable to look her mother in the eyes anymore, Dani bowed her head to stare at the ground, her feet so small compared to her mother’s stocking covered pair.

“You couldn’t give me just this one day, Danielle,” Karen said, “You know how hard Christmas can be for me.”

Dani nodded, words trapped in her throat. Her mother exhaled sharply. “You always have to do this, don’t you?” Karen said, her voice low and acrid with strained bitterness. “First with the sweater, and now this.”

The words seemed to wrap around Dani’s heart and clench painfully tight until a dull but deep ache spread across her chest, leaving her throat thick and her eyes burning. Any cheer or joy Dani had managed to revel in throughout the day seemed to slip away and vanish like a cloud of smoke.

“I’m sorry,” she finally murmured, “I won’t do it again.”

Her mother scoffed again, and just when it felt like she was about to say something else, there was a distinct tapping sound nearing the kitchen. Her mother paused, and after what felt like an eternity, Dani watched her feet step away with a sigh. All at once it felt like Dani could breathe again. She glanced up as the tapping cane came closer, and fiddled with the cookies on the plate.

“Ruth,” Karen said, her voice sounding so clear, as if nothing had just transpired, “Would you like a glass of wine?”

Dani reached for a cookie and bit into it, with nothing else to distract her from the roiling in her stomach and the thickness in her throat.

“None for me, thank you,” Nan said, stepping towards the sink, “Afraid I’ve damned myself to another cup of microwaved tea. Dani, be a dear and fetch me the milk.”

At the sound of her name — her preferred name — Dani jumped, twisting around to blink at Nan who was already busy filling her cup with water from the tap. Dani stared, frozen for a moment before jumping into action, setting down her cookie to pull out the carton of milk from the fridge without looking in her mother’s direction. After a moment of contemplation as Nan heated up her mug in the microwave, Dani helped herself and poured the glass of milk she had wanted for the cookies in the first place, a noticeable tremble in her hands.

With nothing more to do, Dani stood there staring at the glass, the room eerily silent save for the buzzing hum of the microwave, until —

“Dani,” Nan said. Jerking just slightly out of her reverie, her hands clenched into fists, her eyes darted to Nan who was watching her steadily, soft around the edges and so unfamiliar that Dani could do nothing but blink. Nan gestured her head towards the kitchen entrance, and murmured, “They’re all waiting for you downstairs, love.”

Dani nodded, biting her lip hard at the unrelenting feeling of her mother’s piercing gaze on her back. She picked up the plate and glass of milk and slowly made her way out of the room, her head ducked. In between the moments of taking her leave from the kitchen and gradually making her way down the stairs towards the basement, Dani’s heart settled and she managed to push down the lump in her throat, but the ache in her chest remained.

When she reached downstairs, the room packed with mismatched furniture and a tv in the corner that was surrounded by the boys arguing over which program or movie to watch, there was Jamie, laughing brightly with her cheeks flushed red and her hair cluttered in a starburst of melting snow. But when Jamie turned, catching her eyes, instead of a smile Dani expected, victorious from her quick jaunt outside, Jamie frowned and started towards her.

“You all right?” Jamie asked, her eyes darting between Dani’s.

Dani nodded, her mouth pulling into a smile. “Yeah, of course,” she said, and held up the plate for Jamie to see, “These cookies just really suck.”

Jamie glanced down at the plate before returning her gaze to Dani, arching a disbelieving eyebrow.

“Seriously, I think there’s raisins in them,” Dani added. Pulling her mouth into a thin line, Jamie took the plate and glass from her hand to set them on a nearby table. Dani frowned. “Hey, wha — “

“C’mon,” Jamie said, grabbing her hand and pulling her back towards the stairs. “I want to show you something.”

Dani’s stomach twisted. “Jamie — “

“S’alright,” Jamie said, turning to grin at her, her eyes soft. “You’ll like it, I promise.”

Slowly, Dani’s mouth shut, Jamie’s cold hand squeezing her own in a careful grip. Dani couldn’t help but match Jamie’s grin and follow her back up the stairs, the pull of her hand insistent but gentle as she guided Dani up to the second floor towards a window on the landing that overlooked the backyard.

“C’mon, take a look,” Jamie said, leaning against the windowsill with a smile over her shoulder at Dani, their hands still clasped.

Shooting Jamie a puzzled grin, Dani stood next to her to look out the window, and felt her breath catch in her chest. Outside, flurries of white gently floated down from the sky in a dance to unheard music.

“Pretty, right?” Jamie asked, her voice unusually soft. Dani nodded, her eyes wide as she stared up at the sky, the sound of Christmas music muffled through the floor. And then, Jamie carefully said, “Dunno why it seemed like you just went through the ringer in the minute I was outside, but I felt like this could cheer you up a bit.”

Dani squeezed the hand in her own, feeling the ghost of the pressure returned. “It did,” Dani said softly, “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Jamie murmured, and then added, “You wanna come over soon? Escape your mum for a bit? We could eat leftovers ‘til we’re sick and make Nan watch White Christmas again? She may actually try to kill us this time, but worth the risk.”

Dani laughed, feeling an inexplicable lightness to her shoulders and chest, the aching pressure gone. Dani turned to catch Jamie’s eyes, only to see that Jamie was already staring at her with a pleased grin. “Yeah, I’d love to,” Dani said, her smile wide, and Jamie’s hand warm in her own.

The first thing Jamie said when she opened the door was, "You've got to help me."

Dani blinked in surprise. She stood, dumb-struck, on Jamie's front step with an overnight bag slung over her shoulder. Night was already swiftly descending even though it was only six in the evening. Behind her headlights like a pair of eyes flashed through the gloom against the windows as her mother's car pulled away from the curb, where moments before Dani had hopped out and trotted up to Jamie's house without a backward glance. Dani glanced down to where Jamie's fist was clenched around a pair of kitchen scissors, spotted with rust.

"What -?" she asked, and had barely enough time to toe off her snow-struck shoes before Jamie was grabbing her by the wrist and hauling her inside, shutting the door with a kick of her socked foot.

"Shh! Keep it down!" Jamie hissed.

Her head whipped around to see if anyone had heard them, but the living room was empty and there were no tell-tale sounds of the tap of a walking stick down the hall or in the kitchen. Her hair was uncharacteristically down, Dani noticed. Long and auburn-dark as autumn leaves, curled from all its time spent coiled up in a braid.

"Okay," Jamie whispered, "We're clear. Follow me."

Dani made an abortive noise in the back of her throat, but tamped it down as Jamie tightened her hold on her hand. They scurried through the house like thieves. Jamie led them on a circuitous route around the furniture, as though stalking a beast through the jungle. The tops of their heads peeped out over the cushions of a green couch with a lacy throw draped across its back like delicate snow. With a final dart down the hall, their footsteps muffled by the carpet bearing tea stains and cigarette burns — tea stains from Jamie, cigarette burns from the previous owner — they made it to the spare half bathroom, which had no shower. Jamie locked the door behind them with careful precision, so that the sound was only the lightest of clicks against the brass knob.

"What's happening?" Dani asked, voice hushed in the dark.

Jamie only flicked on the light when she had grabbed a towel from the rack and pressed it up against the bottom of the door to keep as much light from leaking out as possible. Then, she rounded on Dani and held up the scissors. "I need you to cut my hair."

"Is that it?" Dani asked, straightening her spine.

Jamie made a motion for Dani to keep her voice down. "She'll hear you!"

Rolling her eyes, Dani nevertheless gamely kept her voice to a low murmur, "Why doesn't Nan just take you to the hairdresser in town?"

"She did! Look!" Jamie pointed at her own hair, which admittedly did look to be an inch or so shorter than when Dani had seen her last.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Everything!" Jamie hissed. "I wanted it all off, but Nan said no! And the barber refused to take the money I tried to give her when Nan wasn’t looking! Fucking coward.”

"And you want me to do it instead?" Dani asked. "So I can face Nan's wrath? No way!"

"She won't hurt a child!" Jamie said. Then after a moment, she added, "Much. Anyway, she likes you. Way more than she likes me."

"Now, that's not true."

"Inn'it though?" Jamie said, narrowing her eyes and nodding as though they both knew the answer to that rhetorical question.

"It's not!" Dani insisted.

Through the door, they could hear a distant cough. Both of them froze, deer in the headlights, trapped in a looming, luminous stare. There followed a shuffling as if of someone shifting their weight atop bed springs, and the papery turning of a page. When it became clear that Nan wasn't coming to investigate, they both breathed a sigh of relief.

"If you're not going to help me, then I'll just do it myself," said Jamie, already grabbing hold of her own hair and lifting the scissors.

With a groan, Dani dropped her overnight bag to the peeling linoleum floor. She held out her hand. "Give me the scissors."

"Oh, hell yes," Jamie breathed.

Scissors in hand, Dani directed Jamie to sit atop the scarred wooden toilet seat. Jamie eagerly complied, facing away from her so that Dani could have easy access. For a moment Dani hesitated. She reached out and touched Jamie's long hair, combing her fingers through the wild tangle of dark untamable curls. It was, she realised with an odd thread of excitement weaving a warm path through her chest, the first time she had ever touched Jamie's hair like this. When she dragged her fingernails lightly along Jamie's scalp, Jamie's shoulders relaxed and she swayed back into Dani's hand with a soft sound.

Dani withdrew her hand as though scalded. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"S'alright," Jamie said without turning around. "Feels nice. You can touch my hair."

"Yeah?"

Now, Jamie did turn her head, angled just enough so that Dani could see her roll her eyes. "How else are you supposed to cut it? Christ. You are thick sometimes."

Dani flicked the back of her head as revenge. Jamie flinched from the contact, but Dani could hear her laugh quietly, could catch a glimpse of her smile.

"Go on, then," Jamie said, squaring her shoulders once more as though readying herself for a march into battle. "Do it."

Carefully, taking her time so that Jamie could back out if she wanted, Dani pulled around as much of her hair as she could so that it draped down Jamie's back. "You're going to owe me big time for this," Dani muttered as she worked.

"Name the price."

"I want the good pillow tonight," Dani said. Jamie's bedroom was small and cramped and there were no other spare rooms in the house, so every time Dani stayed over it always ended up with the two of them crammed together on Jamie's narrow mattress, where one of them — usually Dani — was inevitably stuck with a lumpy pillow from the couch.

"Done," Jamie agreed without a hint of hesitation.

“All right,” Dani said. She steadied herself with a deep breath and placed the flat of the closed scissor blade against Jamie’s shoulder. “Here?”

“Shorter.”

Dani dragged the scissors up a few inches higher. “Here?”

“Shorter.”

Swallowing down her nerves, Dani lifted the scissors so that they hovered over the back of Jamie’s neck just below the base of her skull. “Here?”

Jamie nodded, her head bumping gently against the scissors. “Yeah. Perfect.”

“All right,” Dani repeated. She opened the scissors and held them in place so that a good portion of Jamie’s long hair was folded across the sharp edges of the blades. Still, she did not cut. Her pulse thundered in her ears.

“Hurry up,” Jamie said and she cast a furtive glance towards the door. “She could come any second.”

And, taking her life into her own hands, Dani squeezed the scissors shut. The first section of Jamie’s hair fell away like a curtain with a single clean snip. As if watching herself perform the deed from out of her own body with a kind of dull horror, Dani continued along — two more great big cuts in a horizontal line — until Jamie’s curls brushed the back of her neck and no further.

“Is that -?” Dani lowered the scissors. “Is that what you wanted?”

One of Jamie’s hands reached up and she felt at her own hair with a silent wonder.

“Jamie,” Dani breathed nervously. “Please, tell me that it’s all right.”

There was no mirror in this bathroom. Indeed, the only mirror in the whole house was a small rectangle of reflective glass in the bathroom with only a shower over a bath adjoining Nan’s room further down the hall. And there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell they would be braving that tonight.

Jamie turned around so that she sat facing Dani, and she beamed up at her. “Perfect,” Jamie said. “Absolutely bloody perfect.”

The creak of bed springs, and the tap of a cane, and both of their eyes widened.

“Shit,” Jamie hissed, leaping off the toilet so she could lift the lid and begin shoving hair into the bowl. “Help me hide the evidence!”

“Hide the evidence?” Dani repeated incredulously. “You think she’s not going to notice?”

Even so, Dani scrambled to help, while they continued whispering and hissing at one another like a pair of angry geese. Except Jamie was wearing the biggest smile on her face, one Dani could not hope but mirror, and biting her lip as they tried to stifle their giggles and flush the toilet quickly enough.

There was a knock on the door, and Nan’s suspicious voice from the other side, “What are you two up to this time?”

Stuffing the pair of scissors under her sweater even though the door hadn’t opened, Dani straightened, Jamie’s shoulder and elbow jostling her own, and they both chorused in unison, “Nothing!”

#thobm #the haunting of bly manor #damie #dani clayton #jamie taylor #dani/jamie #roman writes #I hate tagging on tumblr #cfau #bring home a haunting

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doctors-star · 3 years

Note

16 for cowboys??

“Look, I care about you, alright? Quite a bit, I’m afraid.”

Johnny flops on his back, head slightly downhill of his feet in a way which makes the blood in his skull rush and whirl bewilderingly and his eyes pressed closed against the burning-bright sun, as yet undimmed by the afternoon. Someone drops a hat on his stomach and he flinches as though it had been a cannonball, sticking his tongue out and playing at being injured like the hognose snake Will had found in the shade under the general store’s porch - he’d rescued it from being killed as a copperhead, scooped it up in his hat, and brought it round to Ainsel’s back window to show the kids, thoroughly derailing all schooling for the day, as they all crowded around the hat to watch the creature resolutely turn on its back and stick its tongue out in repeatedly feigned death.

He stretches massively on the grass, smiling at the gentle laughter and the feeling of someone sitting near him and reaching across to give him two firm pats on the flank like a well-behaved horse. It’s been a long day, and it started early, but Johnny does like the big drives and hay harvests - all Danser collected together for one purpose, to help their neighbours and be rewarded in turn. Before dawn, he’d been drummed awake by fists on his door and had dressed quickly in the dark to stumble out into the street and go about mustering up others in turn. Of their little gang, he’d been first out of doors, followed by Will - looking bleary but drawn out by the other men staying in the saloon - then Ainsel, who seems to think they might be more use in bed than on horseback every time they see their own horse, then Tommy and Finn looking respectively disgustingly bright and alert, and still mostly asleep. Will, with his extremely biddable broad-chested nearly-a-draught horse, is quickly co-opted into driving one of the carts out of town and along the dusty prairie roads, uphill to the Wilder ranch to deliver tin pails of food and heavy stoneware bottles of drink and the very young and the very old, so that all of Danser may equally participate in the drive. Johnny, Finn, Ainsel and Tommy saddle up and cut north through the prairie, up the steeper side of the hill where the road can’t run; there, Diaz, Wilder, and Wilder’s eldest lad are calling instructions over the heads of the crowd and pointing in disparate directions to where the cows oughtta be, and where the cows oughtta go. A further crowd of skirts and fine hats - for today the town congregates, and it had better be in full finery and Sunday best - has collected around Mrs Wilder and Mrs Diaz to make tea and grits and beans cooked with salt pork in molasses, the scent sticky and inviting on the air even now, with hours of cooking left. Johnny tilts his nose into the air and breathes deeply, shooting a wink at Jody Masham when she passes near and earning a delightfully saucy grin for it. Her ma notices, of course, and gives him the evil eye, but Jody lets her fingers trail down his thigh from hip to knee on the pretense of admiring his horse and looks up at him through her lashes and he could perish on the spot for love of her, so what does he care anyhow.

She passes up chunks of soda bread, steaming in the dawning light and golden with butter, and he tosses them to his fellow riders - dinner will be late today, what with the distance the herd might have gone. And then they’re away, riding nearly the full complement of the town’s horses across the plains to where the herd stands, sedate and well-fed on the last of their summer grazing and ready to be collected up, split once more between Wilder and Diaz, and stowed in smaller paddocks with good solid barns over winter.

There ain’t no point in racing, really. There’s no advantage to getting there ahead of any other person. Johnny grins up at the sky, remembering the wind in his hair, hat brim in his teeth, crouching low over his horse to eke out those crucial inches that keep his horse’s nose ahead of Finn’s as they hoot and holler with the freedom of the run.

“Aww,” Finn says in a tone of very mocking gentleness as he nudges Johnny’s knee with the toe of his boot. Johnny cracks an eye open in preparation to glare at him for the inevitable teasing; against the bright and sunny sky, Finn’s hat is like a halo though his face is dark in the shade. “Didya go too fast today? You ain’t got no endurance, Johnny.”

Johnny allows the glare to settle, but before he can retort, someone on his blind side snorts. “No endurance - how many girlfriends has he got, again?”

Johnny chokes on startled laughter. Finn is wide-eyed in delight as he stares across Johnny’s prone form. “William,” he says, sounding scandalised.

Johnny props himself up on his elbows and sticks his hat back on his head so’s he can watch Will spread his hands defensively. “What,” he says, “I can’t be crude sometimes?”

Finn gestures at his own cheeks. “Naw, sure ya can, only it makes your face go so red that I get worried about ya.”

“That’s just the sunburn,” Tommy says cheerfully, clapping Will on the shoulder hard enough to make him sway and dropping to the grass next to Johnny. As promised, Will’s fair skin is flushed with embarrassment and striped with an angry red across his angular nose and cheekbones, the skin already starting to peel from a day under the sun. He huffs and folds to the floor, knees up to his chest and sleeves shoved up to his elbows to display a bar of red down his forearms too.

“I hope you weren’t teachin’ my kids that kind of joke,” Ainsel says, an enormous black umbrella hooked under forearm and over shoulder to shield them from the sun as they carry a wicker basket in two hands packed with tin pails, bread, biscuits, and bottles over to their little circle. The rest of the town is ranged likewise on the hill overlooking the town and, beyond that, the desert; the horses are tacked out near the farmhouse; the kids themselves are enjoying the freedom and sunshine having been released from hay harvest duties and are tearing up and down the hill, weaving in between groups and only occasionally stopping by their families to grab more food before haring off again.

“I have done no such thing,” Will objects crossly, but Ainsel gives him first choice from the basket and tucks him under the umbrella and out of the sun when they sit beside him so it’s quickly forgiven.

“He was exceeding useful,” Noel pronounces, kneeling by the big enamel dish which represents their share of the molasses and beans and salt pork, and wielding a large spoon like a sword. Johnny gathers that she had appeared some time after dawn, to the disparaging muttering of many of the elder town ladies, but had done so with such a quantity of fine bread and pickles and preserves that her critics had been forced to quiet down to faces of pinched displeasure while Noel held court, knowing that it was not a competition and that she had, regardless, won. She had then gone about supervising the hay harvest, keeping the younger kids in line and occupied while those trusted with scythes cut the hay and Will, on horseback, ran the new hay tedder up and down the field, and then releasing them to stack the hay under her exacting eye. Jody and Peggy had been amongst the scythers and had told Johnny with mouths full of giggles how Will had been left “in charge,” and then done every single thing Noel told him to without complaint or thought of defiance - but the harvest had been done, and Danser is too fond of Will to mock him for being hen-pecked by a woman he hasn’t even married.

Johnny reaches across to ruffle Will’s hair, but he ducks away like a feral cat. “Aww,” he laughs, “you’re useful.”

“Wish the rest of you were,” Will grouses, folding sulkily around his plate.

Tommy catches Johnny’s eye and grins wickedly. He beams in reply; Noel sighs in advance. “It’s true,” Johnny says, assuming a woebegone expression and trying not to snigger when Tommy looks similarly sorry for himself. “We ain’t good for anything whatever. Wholly useless, and you don’t love us.”

Will sniffs, mouth turned down comically in disdain. “You’d be mad to do otherwise,” he tells them sternly, in his finest clipped tones - brought out for special occasions, and their amusement.

“Why, Mister Williams, that don’t reflect very well on me at all,” comes a voice behind Johnny’s left shoulder, light and familiar fingers coming to rest there in accompaniment. Distantly, Johnny is aware of Finn choking on laughter and cornbread, and of Will straightening awkwardly with an air of panic, and of Tommy smirking and kicking at the sole of Johnny’s boot in a teasing, vaguely encouraging fashion - but mostly Johnny is aware of those five delicate points of gentle contact over the ball of his shoulder, and the swishing press of skirts against his side, and how if he tilts his head right back and left he can see all up the willowy line of Jody Masham, hip to hair, her blue eyes and golden curls like a field of cornflowers. There’s a little compressed mischief at Will’s expense tucked into her smile, and Johnny wants to kiss at it until she shares it with him; and there’s a loose, frizzy loop of hair that has escaped from the large bonnet that keeps her pale skin free of the sun, and become darkened with sweat and flyaway in the heat, and Johnny wants to press his nose to it, smooth it between his fingers, tuck it carefully away with pins so that she needn’t mind it - he could do that, he thinks, could give up on all other professions but following Jody around to tidy her hair and carry her basket on one arm, shielding her with a parasol with the other hand.

“Um,” Will says guiltily. “I - well-”

“Don’t you dare say you didn’t mean it,” Ainsel says sternly. Jody is smiling fully now; she is so beautiful Johnny could burst.

“I’m not going to lie to the lady,” Will replies, relaxing out of his tense, guilty stance to be indignant at the idea that he might. She is rubbing little circles into his upper arm with her thumb now: Johnny could not tell you for love nor money what Will just said.

“Well,” Jody says, a laugh bubbling in her voice, “how ‘bout you lend me this young man in recompense an’ we’ll call it quits? I’d like a word.”

Johnny is already scrambling to his feet, pressed up on his toes in eagerness to follow her away. Her hand slides down his arm, shoulder to elbow, and the press of it leaves hot lines in its wake that make him shiver. “Ma’am,” Finn says politely, not without amusement, “you keep him.”

Jody curls her fingers around his elbow joint and guides him gently a ways away from everyone else. Once done, he scoops her hands up in his own and holds them carefully like something immeasurably precious. She smiles indulgently and nods at the basket on her other arm, which he’d barely noticed. “Present for you,” she says.

Johnny juggles her fingers into just one hand, freeing up the other to push aside the flannel cover and fetch out a thin, steaming disk of fried batter. “Johnny-cakes,” he says, delighted.

“Couldn’t resist.” He takes a bite, savouring the salty cornmeal cut through with sticky maple syrup, and grins broadly at Jody. She laughs at his enthusiasm and allows him to feed her the other half without letting her hands go, chasing the syrup from his sticky fingers with her tongue until he can barely breathe.

“So, what’s the word?” he manages, biting the tip of his thumb to keep from kissing her, here where her ma is almost certainly watching.

“The word.” Jody bites her lip, huffs a big breath, and looks away - and a solid feeling of dread settles in his stomach. He’s had it good for so long - with Jody, and Cathy, and even Peggy and Anne-Marie, in a way - and he’s always known it wouldn’t last, and that it would ruin him, and-

“The word is baby,” Jody says eventually, tilting her head to one side and pinning him with her gaze, eyes narrowed in consideration. All thoughts leave Johnny’s head in a moment, to be replaced with vague, foggy panic. “Not-” she squeezes his hand until it relaxes a little and ceases crushing hers, “not right now, Johnny, jesus. Come back.”

The fog recedes and he musters up a gentle pat of her fingers in apology for squashing them in his paw. His hands are so much bigger and stronger than hers, tanned and weatherbeaten where hers are pale and delicate with flour worked into the nailbeds, and he oughtta be more careful with them. With her, and with - with the word, if there is to be one.

He can’t tell how he feels about that, in the moment.

“Sorry,” he says ruefully, offering her a clumsy, lopsided smile. “I weren’t - anyway. You go on.”

Jody takes a deep breath and nods firmly, gaze fixed at some point on his left shoulder. “Alright, I will. Johnny, I’ve spent the day cutting hay with a whole herd of the town’s kids, an’ it’s occurred to me, I want one.”

“I’ll get you one,” Johnny says on instinct, like he does with everything Jody says she wants however unrealistic, from hair ribbons to haywains to the entire Union Pacific Railroad. And then she raises an eyebrow at him, and he remembers how that’s what they’re talking about, actually, and to deflect from this he nods his head at one of the kids pelting past on little chubby legs. “That one’ll do - will he suit ya?”

Jody’s face relaxes into amusement and she huffs, leaning forward to press her forehead into his sternum. He must stink of sweat, and wants to tell her to shift in case he does, but he doesn’t want her to move like he doesn’t want to lose his right arm and she doesn’t seem to care. “Sweetheart,” she says into his shirt, “you ain’t never gonna be friends with my ma if you go about giving her grandchildren by stealin’ em.”

“Not even a little one?” Johnny says, tilting his head to catch her eye and watch her giggle. “‘Sides,” he says, considering it with a slight frown, “not sure she’s over fond on my givin’ her grandkids the other way, neither.”

Jody leans back, smiling. “Only ‘cause we ain’t married,” she corrects brightly, and then falters back into seriousness, biting her lip. Johnny squeezes her hands in careful encouragement, for he feels (fears) they have reached the crux of the matter. “Johnny, I - I wanna have kids. Not today, or tomorrow, or maybe even a year or two yet, but I want ‘em. An’ - I know we’ve not ever been traditional, but my ma - my ma really is gonna disown me if I ain’t married when I have ‘em, so.” She shrugs, fingers tapping in agitation against his palm and her gaze fixed back over his shoulder. “I’m not saying now, but I am sayin’ someday, and if that don’t fit with you someday then - I gotta find someone else. An’ I don’t know how that someday fits with you and Cathy, or Peggy and Anne-Marie, or - or I guess just with you, but I’m sayin’... I don’t mind, I guess, so long as you do right by the kids, and we’re…” She trails off.

“Miss Jody Masham,” Johnny says solemnly, raising her hands between his own, “are you askin’ me to marry you someday?”

She meets his gaze at last, frowning shrewdly at him. “Depends,” she says shortly. “Are you gonna say yes?”

Jody hasn’t never said she loves him. Johnny doesn’t need her to: he knows she does, on account of how she smiles at him and teases him and trounces him at cards to win kisses five nights in seven on lamplit nights where her ma can’t see them. And he bandies about words of love to everyone and everything, enough for the both of them, and they’re well-settled into the kind of long-standing devotion that doesn’t need professing very much. She’s told him before that she’s no good at romancing others (though personally Johnny reckons she’s not bad) ‘cause of how she can’t be sentimental with them; she loves them, and they gotta figure that out, or they ain’t trying hard enough.

Johnny told her he loved her on their second meeting, but then, he’s like that. Always has been. And it doesn’t mean he loves her any less, or any more, than she does him; he’s just got an awful lot of love to share, and she doesn’t mind him sharing it.

He could be married, he thinks. He and Jody could do it, and do it well, and marriage was always waiting for him somewhere - now that he’s not looking at it down the barrel of some angry pa’s shotgun, and without the threat of that too, it looks mighty appealing. They’ll have to get a house, of course; somehow stop renting, and own outright, but how hard can that be? He’ll get her fine printed calico, and build a table for her sewing machine, and Ainsel will school the kids. Finn and Tommy can teach them to ride and make great pets of them, and this time years from now Noel will have them harvesting hay neatly under her stern eye, and Will can bring them hognoses cradled gently in a hat.

He could live in that future, and live long and well.

Johnny pretends to think about it, but lets his grin slip through so’s she knows he’s teasing. “Well, you ain’t hardly romancin’ me.”

She purses her lips against a real smile and uses their hand grip to punch him gently in the chest. “I brought you johnny-cakes, special,” she objects, and he laughs. “Look,” she says firmly, “I - care about you, alright? Quite a bit, actually, and so you’re just - gonna have to deal with that.”

Johnny ducks in close and presses his forehead to hers, beaming. “An’ I love you too,” he croons to make her blush, and then ducks under her bonnet and kisses her softly. He can do that, now - here before the town, on the day of the hay harvest and cattle drive, for they are, someday, to be married.

Jody pulls back, smiling secretly in the corners of her eyes, and strokes a hand through his hair. “I always forget,” she says absently, eyes on her fingers as they comb and tangle in his curls, “how nice your hair is without your hat on.”

Johnny frowns, puts a hand up to his own head. “Where is my hat?”

“It fell off when you leaned back to see me,” Jody supplies. “You didn’t seem to notice.”

“Oh.” He doesn’t remember that.

Jody smiles with resigned amusement. “Lord help me,” she sighs, “for I’m marryin’ a moron.”

Johnny puffs up in indignation. “You don’t have to.” Of course she doesn’t - Jody Masham is the prettiest girl in the county - the west - the world - and could have any man she pleases.

“Naw,” she says, rubbing her thumb along his chin. “I’m gonna.”

#recc'd listening: the game of cards by june tabor and maddy prior #not pictured: johnny returning to the group to ecstatically declare 'we're having a baby!'#noel drops the spoon; tommy chokes; will in a very high-pitched voice says 'what; now??'#no not now and not for a good few years yet y'all are not well-behaved enough #a town called danser #this is your captain speaking

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ficsnroses · 4 years

Text

Worried - John Wick x Reader Oneshot

From the Comfort Series of Fluffy Oneshots :)

Word Count : 3.5k

Warnings : So Much Fluff. Angst. Brief hospitalization (nothing serious!) Also, will I ever come up with a creative title?

Summary : On his way to pick up his girlfriend, Y/N, for an evening out, John receives a call from the hospital.

A/N : Alright. I’m nervous about this one because it didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted, but I worked really hard on it & would love to hear what you all think ❤️ This was requested by @cynic-spirit , I hope its alright! I’m not 100% happy with how I approached this request, so I may re write something similar in the future to toy with the concept more. Enjoy!

*Also, I included date outfit pictures at the end, because it’s a fun thing to do, right? It’s cute!*

Spring is near, and the longer evenings are here to prove it. The sun has bid goodbye, leaving a violet hue channeling the sky outside John’s bathroom window. The trees stand in black silhouettes, the smell of apple trees blossoming filters in subtle.

Dog sits at the doorframe, with his paws tucked secure under his resting head, watching John dry his hair with a cotton towel. His chest and torso are peppered with aqua globes, skin still steaming lightly as he’s stepped out the shower. With a towel held around his waist, he grasps Y/N’s favourite cologne of his – a sophisticated blend of spice & wood. He dabs some around his neck, collarbones, and wrists, setting it down for an exchange with a hairbrush.

The sound of his phone vibrating diverts his gaze, to the picture of his love reflecting on his phone screen.

Y/N was facetiming.

Tonight, John was taking her to a nice dinner date at a restaurant by the water. Sure, they’d technically seen each other every night that week, but they hadn’t been able to go out together in a while.

John loved to treat his lady.

Picking his phone up, he accepts the call, holding the camera to his face.

“Hi baby,” he greets her, eyes lighting up, with those beautiful laugh lines crinkling in the corners of his eyes.

“Ooo hello handsome,” She giggles, eyeing his clothing clad, bare chest. “Quick question, are we going somewhere really nice?”

Her beautiful locks shine under the lights, her makeup looks seamless, light, just enough to compliment her elegantly stunning features. John’s heart must have skipped a beat, he still found it hard to believe that this wonderful, amazing women, was all his.

His for the keeping.

John chuckles a bit, running a hand through his fluffy locks. “It’s not formal, but it’s a nice little place. Why?”

“I’m not sure what to wear.” She flips her camera, showing him the array of dresses she’s laid out, a navy blue, a black, and white. “Help me decide!”

John smiles, letting out a content sigh. He let out a lot of those recently, ever since she’d came into his life, made it brighter than what he’d been used to.

“You look beautiful in anything, sweetheart.”

Y/N rolls her eyes, whining.

“John! Can you not be a softie for just one second and help me out?” She sits down on the bed, holding the camera to her face. “Come on, which one do you wanna see me in?”

John lightly scratches his chin, voice deep. “Well, I think you look amazing in white. Makes me go weak in my knees.” He chuckles, giving her a warm smile.

John didn’t know if it was too early, regardless, he’d dream of the day his Y/N would wear a white dress for him, in front of all their family and friends, as he waited for her at the end of the isle.

Someday. Whenever that someday may be.

“Do you want to stay over tonight? Dog misses you.” John proposes, grabbing his beard trimmer.

Y/N snickers, grabbing the white dress on the hanger. “Sure. I miss Dog too. Besides, I like falling asleep beside you way better than here, on my own.” She holds the phone steady in front of her face again. “You’re like, the fluffiest pillow I have.” She giggles again.

John watches her in awe, as always. The way her eyes glimmer when she speaks, the way her tone shifts, highlighting the happiness in her voice. Each word, from her mouth, felt as if a song to him.

His favourite song.

“Glad to be of service.” He winks, letting out a laugh. “Are you almost ready, babe?” He questions, retrieving his hair dryer from the cabinet drawer.

“Yeah, I just need to throw on outfit, and pack a bag for tonight.” She replies, shuffling around her room.

“Aren’t most of your things here already?” John chuckles. “It looks like you own this counter space, not me.” John flips the camera to showcase all her creams and moisturizers, her scented perfumes and skin care routine gadgets. She’d been spending a whole lot of nights at John’s place, leaving her belongings nicely peppered around his bedroom.

“You’re right. I’ll just sleep in one of your shirts.” She bites her lip, looking him in the eyes. “Or maybe, I won’t need one tonight…” Smirking, the tucks a stray hair behind her ear. “Alright then, I’ll see you soon?” She confirms.

John nods his head, replying. “I’ll be right over in an hour. I love you, sweetheart. Don’t forget it.”

“I won’t. I love you too. Bye.” She blows him a quick kiss, ending the call.

Grinning to himself, John blushes at the though of her still, returning to his closet to throw on his outfit for the evening. As each second passes, he anticipates seeing his love soon, being embellished in her company and grace all evening.

Exactly where he loved to be.

With his cellphone propped on the seat beside him, John navigates through the busy New York evening traffic, checking his reflection in the rear view mirror every so often. He runs his fingers through his hair, positioning it just how Y/N liked it.

Before Y/N, John never tried too much to look good. He didn’t care if his hair got lengthier than normal, or if his beard had a few strays in it. But ever since he’d met her, fallen in love with her, he cared. He cared for himself more, tried his best to stay healthy, and presentable.

For her. Because she deserved, to get the best version of him.

She deserved for him to be his best self.

As John drives in silence, his ears pick up the occasional traffic honk, or speeding car beside him. Night has fallen on the city, leaving it to light up brighter than the stars, glowing, glimmering lamp posts and restaurant lights igniting the city streets. He sees couples walk arm in arm, holding hands as they explore the town.

To himself, he smiles.

Smiles, that he had that, finally, for himself. He finally had someone.

To the ring of his cellphone, John snaps out of his thoughts.

An unknown number.

His brows knit in confusion, wondering who it could be. He thinks to ignore it, however, decides against it ultimately, in case it was someone from work.

With his eyes locked on the road, John manages to slide the phone onto speaker, letting wonder lace his tone. “Hello?”

“Hello, sir. Am I speaking with Mr. Jonathan Wick?” A woman speaks on the other end, her voice calm, present, monotone as could be.

“Yes, can I help you?” His deep, ridged voice starts.

“I’m calling on behalf of New York General Hospital. I have you listed as a secondary contact for a recently admitted patient, Ms. Y/N Y/L/N?”

In that moment, John felt his heart drop. His eyes widen, and the world around him seems to stop turning. The traffic seems to pause, the city folk seem to cease walking, the stars seem to melt into the darkness above.

The darkness above, seems to swallow John whole.

With his mind terminating to work straight, his heavy, racing voice speaks. “Y/N? Is she alright?! What happened?! I just spoke with her not too long ago, please tell me she’s okay?!” John almost yells, fear overtaking each nerve in his body.

“Mr. Wick, we need you in urgently for an update on her condition, and form work.”

“I’ll be there, I’m coming, I’m coming!” John shouts, breathing heavier by the second. He feels his body run cold, his mind racing a million a second. “Is she okay? Please, Ms., I need to know.” John begs, foot trudging the accelerator to sprint through traffic.

“She’s going to be alright. Unfortunately sir, I can’t disclose anymore information over the phone, for confidentiality.”

John ends the call in fury, throwing the phone across the seat. “Dammnit!” He hollers, to no one but himself.

In a long time, he hadn’t felt this way. He hadn’t felt a single negative emotion, since she’d came into his life. But now, in this moment, he felt, a mixture of everything he hadn’t felt in a while. But most of all,

He felt fear.

He felt fear, for the thought of anything happening to her. Anger, for not being there fast enough. Fright, for not knowing if she was okay.

Guilt. For not protecting her, as he’d promised himself he would, from the second she gave her heart to him.

His body is tense, his fist clenches beside him, his feet only route the path so quick, leaving his mind paces ahead.

He needed his Y/N to be okay. It couldn’t be any other way.

He wouldn’t let it.

As he finds himself at the door of 116, the room the receptionist had claimed to be Y/N’s, John swings the door open.

There Y/N sits, on a chair, with a band aid on her arm, and a juice box propped on the chair beside her.

She looks alright. John makes note, to thank the sky later.

The nurse has just finished her work beside her, greeting John with a warm smile.

“Hi! You must be John. I’m Y/N’s nurse for this evening.” She extends her arm out, for John to shake. “She is perfect, nothing to worry about. Her iron had dropped very low causing a minor fainting episode, but her neighbour called just in time. I’ve given her a stabilizing injection for now, which should restore all her red blood cells over the course of the next few days. She’s all good to go, and ready to be discharged immediately.” The nurse smiles, walking out of the room, leaving them alone.

John looks to her, worry still shone in his eyes, looking her up and down. His mind seems to stay skeptical, unable to believe that she was actually alright.

That what he loved, hadn’t been taken away from him this time.

“John, I’m so sorry.” She frowns. “I’m all okay. See?” She proposes.

John stares at her for a few seconds longer, before walking up to her, dropping to his knees. He kneels in front of her, both his hands coming forward to hold both of hers tight in a clasp, pressing kisses all over her palms, her knuckles, her wrists. He lets out a weary exhale, resting his forehead against their connected hands for a few moments.

“John, you seem shaken up. I’m so sorry, I forgot to take my medicine this morning. I swear it’s really nothing big though, I’m alright. I’m sorry, I should have-”

John cuts her off, with a shake of his head. “It’s okay.” He stands, subsequently helping her up, placing a hand on the small of her back as he holds her other hand. “Let’s get you out of here.”

John holds her hand tight, fearing she’d vanish any second. He guides her, holding the door open, keeping her tucked secure with his arm wrapped fitted around her smaller frame.

As the forms of release had been taken care of by John, he guides Y/N to his car, hand never leaving hers, with his arm still placed on the small of her back. He holds her close to him, making sure to never let her out of sight. As they arrive to the car door, he holds it open for her, helping her get settled in. Neither of them have spoke a word the entire way down.

As she sets herself in, John leans down to plug her seat belt in across her. “John, it’s alright. I can do it.” She assures, placing a hand on his arm.

Crouching down beside her again, John looks up at her, sadness still littered in his eyes. With a calm tone, John reasons, grabbing hold of her hand again. “Please.” He sighs. “Let me do this for you.”

Shutting the passenger door for her, John walks over to his side, taking place. He places his hands on the steering wheel for a moment, staring at the view ahead. Y/N watches him, worry in her own eyes. John seemed incredibly shaken, uneasy still. She feels horrible, and a heaviness overtakes the feel in her chest.

Reaching over to place a hand over his, she sighs, breaking the silence.

“John, baby, I’m really sorry. I should have been more careful, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin our night, I know you had an evening planned, reservations and all. But I promise, its nothing. I’m really alright.” She smiles, grasping his hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “Please cheer up?”

John lets out a breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. Slowly, he turns his gaze her way, locking their eyes. “I couldn’t care less about the reservations.” He grieves, eyes unable to connect with hers. “It’s not your fault, sweetheart.”

She grips his hand tighter, offering him a small smile, hoping his eyes would light up to his normal self again, glimmer as they do in the moonlit night.

But they didn’t. She frowns, bringing her thumb to brush the delicate skin under his eye, cupping his cheek. “It’s hard for me to see you like this, John. Talk to me. Please?” She whispers, pleading.

John sighs again, before turning his body to face her better. “Its just…that call, Y/N.” He exhales, shaking his head. He firms his eyes tight shut, facing down as he continues.

“It was so hard to hear your name on the other end.” He runs a hand through his hair, looking at the distant city lights again. Y/N rubs her thumb over his hand as she holds it, soothing him, trying her best to calm him.

He stays silent for another moment. As the city out in the distance moves, flows to pace as the night falls, Y/N feels her world standstill. She grips his hand tighter, her soothing strokes brush across his skin, refusing to let him wallow in his thoughts alone.

She’d always be there for him, she’d promised herself. She’d be there for him, because the world had failed to do so.

“Y/N,” He begins, gloomed, tense. “Anytime I get something good, its always been taken away from me.” He looks down at his lap, collecting his thoughts. His eyes are heavy, and they seem to be glistening.

But not in the way Y/N wanted to see them glisten. They were glistening with tears.

“Today, when I got that call, I felt all those things again, all those feelings of hopelessness, guilt, fear…I felt like something was being snatched away from me again. Only this time, it was as if all of the other things combined together, but so much more.” He shakes his head. “It was you. Y/N.”

Her heart drops. She feels the ache.

“I can face anything. I’ve been built that way, I’ve learned, because these things happen to me. I’ve accepted that maybe I’m not deserving of... good. But I can’t…I can’t bare the thought of you being taken away from me. Not you.”

She feels her heart break, shatter for the man in front of her. The man who thought, that he didn’t deserve good. The man who in her eyes, deserved the entire world, if she could give it to him. She brings her other hand to hold both of his, assuring him, that she’s there.

“I just felt so fucking hopeless. I felt guilty that I wasn’t there with you, that I didn’t protect you like I promised I would.” He frowns again.

“Y/N…I don’t have anything. All I have is you. I never had a family, I never had friends, everyone sees me as…” his aching tongue halts to finish he sentence. “I’ve never had anything. And after all I’ve done, all the blood on my hands, I don’t deserve anything.” He tries to hold himself together, staring in disgust at his hands that she held tight.

He sees them as an omen.

“You are all I have, Y/N. Just you, and Dog. And today, when that operator called, I felt like my entire world was being taken away, and I couldn’t do a single thing about it.” His voice cracks. “Like always.” He looks down again, trying to keep himself together.

Y/N watches him, with eyes full of sadness. She felt daggers in her heart with each word he spoke. Trying to channel a smile, she brings her hand to cup his cheek, making him connect his eyes with hers. She leans forward, cupping his face with both her hands, pressing delicate kisses to each inch of his face.

She showers him in love, because that’s what he deserved.

“I love you,” She whispers between kisses. “So much, John. You deserve so much. You deserve more than you think.” She whispers, looking him in the eyes. John brings his arms around her, holding her close as he buries his face in her neck. She rubs up and down his back, running her hands through his hair, making him feel ease.

They hold each other, for what feels like an eternity, eyes closed, sulking in each other.

Pressing a kiss to his shoulder, Y/N breaks the silence, still holding him close.

“John? Do you feel that?” She waits a moment, before speaking. “I’m right here. In your arms. Exactly where I belong,”

John smiles into her shoulder, wrapping his arms tighter around her now. She was right. She was right here, where she belonged. Her silken voice speaks again, in just above a whisper.

“And if I’m not, I’m always just a daydream away.” She smiles.

John chuckles, pulling back, to look her into her shining eyes. “Just a daydream away, I like that.” He presses a kiss to her lips, resting his forehead against hers, as they close their eyes briefly. “Gosh. I love you so much. Don’t scare me like that again.”

She giggles, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I love you more, John. You deserve everything. And I promise, I’ll say it to you each and every day until you believe me. I’m not going anywhere. Not without you.”

~~~

As they reach home, John, to no surprise, falls into full paranoid boyfriend mode. He helps her each step of the way, holding her hand as they climb the stairs to the front door.

“John, I love you, but you do realize that I’m not hurt in any way? I just have a bandaid from the injection, silly.” She giggles, showing off her patched arm.

“I don’t care, Y/N. You’re not doing anything tonight and you’re going to let me take care of you, okay?” He shimmys the keys in the lock, opening the front door. “I’m not taking no for an answer.” He eyes her.

Y/N smiles, heart content at the man in front of her. She ruffles his hair playfully, pressing a kiss to his bicep, as he takes hold of her hand again, leading her in.

“Jonathan, there’s nothing to take care of. I’m fine.”

Hanging his coat on the coat hanger, John rushes to Y/N’s side to take her coat off for her. Being the gentleman he is, he bends down to unstrap her heels, gently taking her shoes off her feet, storing them away for her.

“John, I’m okaaaaay.” Y/N tries again, although John lets it in through one ear, and out the other. There was no way he was letting his girl do anything at all, until she’d fully recovered.

Placing a hand to the small of her back again, guiding her to the sofa, he ponders out loud. “Spinach is high in iron, right?”

“Yeah?” Y/N replies, getting herself comfy.

“Good. I’ll go make you a spinach smoothie then.”

Y/N scrunches her face in disgust, debating. “John, no. That’s gross.”

“Come ere boy!” John calls out to his Dog. As Dog runs to the room, Y/N hears John’s deep voice speak, as he pets his ears. “Keep mommy company, okay?”

Y/N blushes, at the thought of being Dog’s mommy.

As the night falls further, John helps Y/N change into one of his oversized shirts. It comes to the same length as a dress would on her, John finds her absolutely adorable in it. He feels his heart full at the way she wears a piece of him on her.

A symbol that she was truly, undeniable, fully, his.

After more of John’s antics, trying to help Y/N recover as fast as possible, they lay together in John’s bed, John’s mind partially dozed off to dreamland already. He’d have an eventful evening for sure, but in the end, it was all going to be okay, with the love of his life rest beside him.

As the midnight sky covers the city horizon, moonlight filters in through the window, with a cool breeze flowing through the curtains, as steady, ocean like waves. The world is falling asleep, with the stars scattered in the black and blue marbled sky, the moon gleams around them, beaming its light, radiating over the busy New York night.

To the rise and fall of her lover’s chest, Y/N hums in contentment.

Tight in each others embrace, John and Y/N are tucked away, holding each other after the events of the night. John holds her to his chest, providing her a haven, where no harm could reach, no matter how strong. He places lingering, soft, drowsy kisses to her temples, to her shoulder, to her cheeks, as he pleases, letting her know he’s close, protecting her.

That he’d always be.

The fear, has brought along an overwhelming plethora of love. Nothing but pure, unconditional love. As they lay, secure next to the one who matters most, Y/N’s honeyed voice murmurs into the evening air, thick with sleep,

resting her head further into John’s chest as she pulls him closer,

with a gratified smile on her face.

“The fluffiest pillow I have, indeed.”

➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴

Johns Outfit!

Y/N’s Outfit!

➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴➶ ➴

Taglist Posted Separately (Ask to be added or removed!) :

#john wick oneshot #john wick x reader #john wick x you #john wick imagine #john wick imagines #john wick #john wick x y/n #john wick fluff #john wick fanfiction #john wick fanfic #john wick fic #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves imagine #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves x you #keanu reeves oneshot #keanu reeves #keanu reeves imagines

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imagine-loki · 4 years

Text

Start Somewhere

TITLE: Start Somewhere CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: One-shot (for now) AUTHOR: MaliceManaged ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine waking up to find Loki asleep in your bed. You have no idea how he got in, or how he didn’t wake you, but he looks completely exhausted and doesn’t even stir when you get up, so you kinda just leave him to it and get on with your morning. Maybe there’ll be an explanation later, maybe this will just be a weird story you tell your grandkids one day that they won’t actually believe; for now, though, you’ll just leave breakfast for the supervillain crashing in your bed and go to work before you’re late. RATING: T NOTES/WARNINGS: Because I clearly don’t have enough going on, my brain gives me this. And before anyone yells at me for the ending, I will eventually write more for this. I have no idea when, but I will. XD

__________________

There were several things Carmen might have expected upon opening her eyes that morning; finding herself staring at the sleeping face of someone who most definitely hadn’t been there when she went to bed was not one of them. Least of all finding herself staring at the sleeping face of Loki, of all people. Hadn’t the Avengers arrested him the other day? She was pretty sure she’d seen that on the news. She wasn’t really sure what he’d been doing that warranted arresting other than being in the general vicinity of the bad guys they’d been fighting, but that was none of her business. More pressing was the matter of the alleged supervillain deeply asleep in her bed.

Very deeply asleep, she noticed, as he hadn’t even stirred when she’d shot up in her initial alarm. Actually, he looked exhausted; if the dark circles under his eyes were any indication, he wasn’t getting a whole lot of sleep. Which she supposed made some sense if he’d just broken out of prison. She really ought to call the Avengers, or at least the police so they could call the Avengers…

She hadn’t realised she’d raised her hand and moved it towards him until she was lightly poking his cheek, and hastily pulled it back, holding her breath and watching him closely. But while his face did twitch the slightest bit at her touch, he didn’t wake. That pretty much made her decision for her; she got up and went about her morning routine as usual, if taking care not to make too much noise while getting ready for work. Maybe there would be explanations later, maybe this would just be one of those stories she’d tell her future grandchildren about that they would dismiss as ‘abuela being weird again’. Who knew? All she knew was she had better hurry up lest she be late for work. And so, she made breakfast for two and left a note for him on the counter before leaving the house.

****

Loki was tired. There was no other way to look at it. He was completely exhausted; the kind of weariness that seeped into your bones, that weighed down your very soul. Tiredness that had not been helped by having to break out of the cell the Avengers had tossed him into, despite the fact that he hadn’t actually done anything, but alas. His plan had been to lay low for a while in the house he occasionally stayed in, but while some foggy part of his mind reasoned that the room he’d teleported into had just a little too much stuff in it, he’d been too tired to really care about the implications of that and simply got into the bed. He was asleep before his head even hit the pillow.

Upon awakening late the next morning, Loki noticed three things: 1) This was not his bedroom, 2) this was someone’s bedroom, and 3) that someone had been there with him, if the unmade section of bed beside him was any indication. And he’d slept through their being there and, more importantly, leaving. He was up and alert in moments, looking around for any signs of the house’s inhabitant, creeping silently out of the room and examining every doorway he passed carefully. Upon reaching the kitchen, he found a note on the counter informing him there was breakfast for him in the microwave and to help himself to anything in the fridge.

Well, then. How curious.

He considered it might be a trap - surely the house’s owner would have called the authorities upon finding a complete stranger, especially him, in their bed - but if it was, he could deal with it when it sprung. Tired as he still was, he could still manage that. Instead, he retrieved the indicated plate and sat down to a really quite delicious meal while pondering his next move.

****

Carmen hadn’t really expected to find Loki still in her home when she got back from work, but there he was, sitting on her couch apparently waiting for her. She dropped her keys into the bowl by the door and hung up her coat in the coat closet, then walked over and sat on the other end of the couch.

“You didn’t call anyone,” Loki more stated than asked.

“I did not, no.”

“Why not?”

She shrugged. “You looked like you needed the rest. You weren’t really hurting anyone just sleeping.”

“You made me breakfast.” That part he was still confused about.

“I did, yes.”

He frowned at the non-answers. “Why?”

“I don’t know; made sense at the time.” She turned her head to look at him. “Why were you in my bed?”

He considered lying, it would certainly be less embarrassing and wasn’t as though she’d be able to tell, but instead admitted, “I thought it was mine. I seem to have miscalculated my destination a bit.”

She hummed. “Well, you probably shouldn’t be teleporting that tired, then.”

He breathed a laugh despite himself. She wasn’t exactly wrong. “Noted.”

“So, what happens now?”

“Well, we have two options: I make you forget I was ever here and leave…” He let it hang there, curious whether she would then assume the worst.

Instead, she calmly asked, “Or?”

“I leave and we keep this our little secret,” he replied simply, strangely pleased she hadn’t taken the bait.

She pretended to think about it. “I pick ‘b’.”

He laughed. “‘B’ it is, then,” he said then stood, intending to leave.

“Want to stay for dinner?” He stopped and looked at her a bit oddly, and she shrugged. “It’s more fun to cook for more than one person.”

He thought for a moment, then decided, “If it pleases you.”

She smiled then stood and went into her bedroom, grabbing some casual clothes before heading to her bathroom to wash up. She walked into the kitchen, pulling her hair into a ponytail, to find him sitting at the counter flipping through one of her grandmother’s recipe books curiously and she smiled a bit to herself. “Any requests?”

“I’m not familiar with any of these things,” he admitted.

“Well, then we need to broaden your culinary horizons,” she replied, taking out some pots and pans.

“If it will be anything like that breakfast, I dare say I wouldn’t mind.”

She chuckled. “Nothing like a proper dominican breakfast to get you up and about!”

He watched her work as she got out ingredients and prepared a meal - pastelón, she called it, with rice and beans on the side - then joined her at the table. They ate in silence, but it was a pleasant sort of quiet, and he sat observing her curiously afterwards as she took their dishes to the sink to be dealt with later. She caught him at it when she turned around and raised a questioning eyebrow, and he rested his elbow on the table and propped his chin on his hand.

“I’m merely wondering if you fear me at all,” he explained.

“Well, I wouldn’t say I’m not at least a little worried, but you haven’t really given me reason to be afraid. I mean, all you’ve really done is trespass, but, assuming you were telling the truth, that was an accident.” She walked back to the table and retook her seat across from him. “You haven’t harmed me so far, and well… I’m not so sure I agree with the whole ‘getting arrested’ thing the other day. I mean, from the video I’ve seen of that mess, you didn’t seem to actually be doing anything.”

“I was not, thank you for noticing,” he huffed, “But when you’re me, just being where something is happening is enough to damn you, apparently.”

“That’s rough. What’re you going to do? They’ll probably be looking for you soon, if they aren’t already. Is it even safe for you to be on this planet at all?”

“I’m not certain there is anywhere in this universe that is safe for me,” he replied vaguely, then smirked. “Is the lady concerned for my well-being?”

“And if I am?” she challenged.

“Then I can warn you that is both dangerous and a waste of time.”

She hummed noncommittally. “If you say so.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t need your pity,” he said sharply.

That got him a very indelicate snort. “Good, ’cause you don’t have it.” He eyed her skeptically and she rolled her eyes. “It’s not pity to be concerned about someone else; that’s just being a decent person.”

“That has not been my experience.”

“Then you need to surround yourself with better people.”

“Like you?”

“Gotta start somewhere.”

He laughed softly. What a strange woman. “Then I suppose I’ll have to get to know you, won’t I?”

#Loki #God of Mischief #Others #Submitted one shot #submission #Start Somewhere #malicemanaged

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spectral-musette · 4 years

Text

A scene set during the year Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan spent protecting Satine Kryze: a morning that the padawan and the young duchess spend alone together does not go quite as planned.

(warning for unpleasant parasitic space-bugs)

~2000 words

...

Satine found a seat on a boulder on the grassy hilltop.

Obi-Wan was fairly far along through his lightsaber practice, bright blue blade humming as he moved as though defending against an invisible opponent. The morning was cool, overcast, but he’d still stripped off his tunics and boots, his bare feet occasionally visible through the tall grass. It was a while before he noticed her, focused as he was on his saber play. He paused, disengaging the glowing blade and walking towards her, chest heaving as he caught his breath.

“Did you want me?” he asked.

She felt her cheeks flush and her pulse quicken. Did she want him, oh ancestors forgive, did she want him?

But his expression was all innocence, even as a glittering bead of sweat rolled through the fine dark hair over his heart and along its narrow path down his lean belly. She’d seen him in this state of undress before, but fleetingly, changing tunics in close quarters. This extended view was allowing fascinating insight for her as a student of medicine. And art. She swallowed hard.

“I came to tell you that Qui-Gon left, walked down to the village to barter for supplies,” she replied, surprised by how smooth and tranquil her voice sounded. “He said to tell you there’s a storm coming in.”

He nodded, still breathing fast, and bent to retrieve his boots, belt, and neatly folded pile of clothing, shifting the rock he’d placed on top of them to keep the wind from taking them.

“You don’t have to stop. I don’t think the rain will start for a little while yet.”

“I’m not really accustomed to having an audience,” he demurred, tucking the folded tunics under one arm and draping his boots and stockings over the other as he started down the hill. She stood to follow, brushing off the back of the long cardigan she’d pulled on over her sleeveless tunic.

“That can’t be true. Qui-Gon said, at home in your Temple, many Jedi gather to watch others at saber practice.” She caught up with his long stride in a few quick steps.

“That’s… different,” he countered.

“Because I’m an outsider? I didn’t mean to intrude.”

Unless he meant the lustful taint she brought to spectatorship, but surely he’d experienced that before as well - his fellow young Jedi couldn’t be wholly immune to the effects of his beauty and grace, especially if he made a habit of practicing without his tunics.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he hastened to assure her. “It’s just different.” He favored her with a self-deprecating smile, a dimple appearing in his smooth cheek. “It’s embarrassing to admit, but I’m tempted to show off a bit when you’re watching.”

She bit her lip to fight back a grin. “And you don’t show off for your friends at home?”

“Sometimes,” he conceded. “But they know I’m doing it.”

“And you think I didn’t?”

“Well, you definitely do now.”

“What if I said I didn’t mind that you want to show off for me?”

“Well, it’s complicated,” he replied, thoughtful. “I don’t want you to think that I’m overly impressed with myself.”

“I don’t think that. Even if you do swagger,” she teased.

“I’m walking the only way I know how,” he defended against the familiar accusation.

“Please. I’m a Mandalorian. I know a swagger when I see one.”

“Will you be happier when it’s a limp? Because I think I just stepped on a thorn.” He paused, lifting his left foot gingerly.

“You could’ve gotten dressed!”

He shook his head. “Not until I wash up.”

“Or put your boots on at least.”

“Hindsight,” he sighed, dropping his clothes and boots on the grass and taking hold of his foot to examine it.

“Is it a thorn?”

He nodded, braid dangling over his bare chest as he attended to his injury. “I think so. But I can’t get a hold of it.”

“Let me.”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to…”

“Oh just sit down, will you?”

He obeyed, folding up his legs in a meditative posture that gave her a good view of his grass-stained foot. There was indeed a thorn right in the arch, so small that it was no wonder his close-trimmed nails couldn’t grip it. She pulled it free, a droplet of blood welling up from the tiny wound.

“Blast,” he breathed. “My foot’s gone numb. I don’t think it’s actually a tho-“

It shuddered between Satine’s fingers, jerking free and burying itself in her palm.

She swore softly in Mando’a, reaching to pull it out again, but Obi-Wan stilled her hand with his. “Leave it for now, and get back to camp quickly. I’ll be right behind you.”

Something in his tone kept her from arguing. She did as he ordered, glancing back over her shoulder to watch him limping along after her.

Back in the shelter of the unassuming cabin built from old shipping crates that served as the Republic safe house, he stumbled in to retrieve the med kid and set it on counter of the kitchen unit, pulling out a bottle of antiseptic.

“What is it?”

“Bore-tick. They’re an invasive species, I had no idea they had a foothold here. They’re generally just a nuisance, but they can swarm if they smell enough blood.”

“Charming,” she replied with a shudder. “So what are you doing?” she prompted as he opened the bottle.

“They don’t release the toxin that makes you feel numb until they pull out. I’m hoping the antiseptic will kill it while it’s in there and deactivate the toxin.”

“Hoping?”

“Well it should be a short lived effect, anyway. Some species use them as a local anesthetic in traditional medicine.”

He poured a splash of cold antiseptic into her palm, and she held the liquid, watching a tiny bubble form over the tick.

Obi-Wan took a delicate pair of forceps from the kit, doused the ends in antiseptic, and tugged the long insect out of the wound on her hand.

“Ouch!” she complained at the antiseptic sting.

“So not numb, then?”

“I wish.” She dropped the extra antiseptic into the sink and shook her hand dry.

“You didn’t pick up any more when you were kneeling in the grass, did you?” he asked.

She looked down, brushing at the knees of her trousers. “I don’t see any. You?”

“I have an inkling,” he said with a pained expression.

“Do you want me to check?” she asked, starting to step behind him.

“Not really.” He turned, putting his back against the wall.

She put her hand on her hip. “I’m a trained medic. I’ve pulled jetpack shrapnel out of more backsides than you can even imagine. Some of them were even as pretty as yours.”

“Satine,” he complained.

“I will be impeccably professional, I promise. Now, turn around.”

She caught a quick glimpse of his flushed face before he faced the wall.

“You’re in luck,” she told him, catching the twitching insect between the forceps and tugging it out of the fabric of the seat of his trousers. “You might’ve felt a pinch, but it didn’t make it through the layers.”

“Good.”

“I don’t see any on your back or your arms, either.” She examined him quickly, trying to ignore the appeal of his defined musculature, as she’d promised.

“I don’t think they move very fast.”

“Small blessings.”

He took the forceps from her and returned to the counter, pouring the antiseptic over the tick.

It seemed his hand was a little unsteady as the liquid continued to slosh out of the bottle. She put her hand on his, guiding the bottle back to the counter.

“Not to be negative,” she said, “but your foot is looking… wrong.” It was swelling, purpling and blotchy.

“Yes, well,” he replied, voice a bit strained, “reactions can vary.”

Satine helped him over to one of the bunks before he lost his balance, then lunged for the pile of clothing he’d dropped by the door, looking for his commlink.

“Qui-Gon,” she called into it.

“Satine?” His voice sounded mildly surprised. “What’s wrong?”

“Obi-Wan had a bore-tick in his foot. It’s turning purple and he’s …”

“Get him in the fresher,” Qui-Gon ordered briskly. “Warm water, not too hot. The toxin will drop his body temperature, so you need to keep him warm. And keep him awake. I’ll be there as soon as I can with the antitoxin. Did you…”

“In my hand, but I’m not having a reaction yet.”

“Get in with him too, just in case.”

“Will he be all right?”

“I expect so, but do as I say.”

Satine dropped the commlink and hurried to tug Obi-Wan unsteadily back to his feet.

“Funny,” he mused, “Qui-Gon is usually telling me to take cold showers, lately.”

“This isn’t the time for jokes.”

“Who’s joking?”

The water in the fresher warmed up quickly, and Satine stuffed Obi-Wan into the stall and climbed in after. His knees started to buckle, but Satine propped him in the corner, draping one of his arms over her shoulder. She’d thought about taking off her cardigan before stepping into the water stream, but, upon further reflection, maybe it was for the best that at least one of them was wearing clothes.

This was not exactly how she’d imagined sharing a fresher with him.

She banished that thought quickly, directing the flow of water from the nozzle towards him. It might’ve been her imagination, but his skin did seem cool under her hands.

“Fantastic job I’m doing of protecting you.”

“Do you hear me complaining?” she inquired, nudging her forehead against his chest. His heartbeat felt strong, at least.

“Satine.” He rested his chin on the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re ridiculous. This isn’t your fault.”

“Nor is it exactly how I planned our morning together,” he confided, chagrined.

“Let me just ask,” she said, shifting to look up into his unfocused eyes. “Bore-ticks cause partial paralysis, lethargy, hypothermia, and swarm when they smell blood, but you classify them as a nuisance? What would you call dangerous?”

“Venom-mites,” he replied, with just a hint of a dimple. “How’s your hand?” he asked, changing the subject.

She shifted to a one-armed hold around his middle so she could get a look at it. “Bleeding a little. Feels like it has a hole in it.”

“No swelling or discoloration?”

“No. Do you think it used up all its toxin on you?”

“Possibly. Or the antiseptic worked. Or your industrious ancestors cultivated immunity to the toxins of a wide variety of venomous creatures and included that in your childhood inoculations.”

“That doesn’t sound unlikely. I’m rarely grateful for the questionable hobbies of my forebears, but I’ll make an exception this time.”

“As will I.” He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

“What did you plan?” she asked, tightening both arms around his chest again.

“Hm?” He screwed his eyes more tightly closed.

“For our morning together. Come on, Qui-Gon said you shouldn’t sleep. If you do, you’ll probably slip and I’ll drop you.”

“Is that a threat?”

“A prediction. Tell me what you planned,” she insisted.

“I was going to invite you for a walk on the shore and ask if you liked Noorian epic poetry.”

“I’m not familiar with any Noorian epic poetry. Do you think I’ll like it?”

“I hope you will.”

“Recite some.”

“What makes you think I have anything memorized?”

She raised her eyebrows. “Go on. Maybe it’ll keep you awake.”

He took a deep breath, and she was temporarily transfixed by the rivulet of water tracing along his collarbone and down his chest.

“For Thou art my lady

And I swear all myself to thee:

My arm to defend

My hands to lift thee up

My feet to carry me at thy bidding

My ears to hear thy commands

My eyes to watch over and adore thee

My voice to counsel, comfort, and sing thy praise.

My honor is thine by right

And my soul for thy asking…”

His voice faded to a murmur as he rested his cheek against her wet hair.

“Does she ask?” she whispered.

“Not at first.”

“Don’t tell me. Tomorrow we’ll go to the shore, and you can read it to me.”

“I think I’ll leave my boots on, though.”

She smiled, looking up at him. He was a little pale beneath his faint spray of freckles, droplets of water from the nozzle spray glistening in his short hair. He smiled back, and he was so beautiful that it took her a moment to catch her breath. “Me too.”

#Obi Wan Kenobi #Satine Kryze #Obi Wan/Satine #obitine #I wrote a thing #Star Wars fic #long post #shout out to the clan kryze ancestors that were one-upping each other letting themselves get bitten/stung by venomous creatures #and then were like hey now we're immune to all these toxins #that could be helpful #and badass #I'm sorry the selection of Noorian epic poetry kinda sucks #it's because I wrote it #also I have written so much Obi-Wan whumping and I don't! approve! of this!#I swear I am going to write Obi-Wan having a nice time and not getting injured or sick

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sheabuttahwrites · 3 years

Text

[I Know]

. five : two and a possible

four

I finished up my ‘morning’ routine and walked back over to sit next to him, finally ready to eat something. “I'm hungry. What we having?”

“Oh shit!”

“What?”

“I forgot to get food.”

I tilted my head, my features overtaken by displeasure. “You’ve been eating hella takeout, huh? You know that’s not good.” We’d had this conversation a couple times before. He was generally a healthy guy, but his diet could be so trash at times.

“I mean, I was. But I’ve been at my mom’s house eating Thanksgiving leftovers the past few days.”

I snorted. “You are such a man,” I playfully huffed, shaking my head.

“I’ma do better,” he mumbled listlessly with a laugh. “You can order something, though. I’ll pick some stuff up tomorrow after my last meeting.”

“Ok. We can just get pizza. That cool?”

“Yeah. ”

“You got dessert at least?”

He stared at the wall in deep thought, his mouth doubtfully agape. “ …I think I have ice cream?”

“Ok.” I left my seat with the kitchen in mind solely because of the obvious lack of confidence he had just displayed. “Come look with me.”

“What?” The presence of a frown was more than apparent on his face.

“Come with me,” I insisted, unfazed.

“For what? You aren’t a guest anymore.”

“I am, too.” Now I was frowning.

“No, you're not. You know where the kitchen is, the pantry, the fridge; you know where everything is,” he listed candidly, but stood to his feet anyway.

“So. You don't have to be rude.” I rolled my eyes, turning to walk out with him in tow. I’d had to hide the smile trying to creep onto my face. I loved messing with him.

He smacked his lips, clearly agitated, and I couldn't hold my laughs. “I’m coming, woman.”

We stepped into his kitchen and I pulled the freezer drawer open, searching for the ice cream I had sort of been promised? Curious, I paused to look in the refrigerator. Other than a few bottles of water, a carton of eggs, a couple carryout plates and various condiments, there wasn’t much inside. “Damn, you weren't lying. Ain’t shit in here.”

“I told you.”

I laughed as I closed the doors and went back to the freezer. I moved a bag of broccoli to the side, then a bag of pineapple chunks. “Found it,” I gleefully announced, lifting the pint of vanilla Haagen Dazs. I removed the top and the seal was still there. Perfect. I turned to show him just as he was coming out of the pantry.

“Here’s some stuff my sister had.” He held up a box of fudge brownie mix in one hand and an unopened bottle of vegetable oil in the other.

“Oh, hell yeah,” I approved with a satisfied nod, before putting the ice cream away. That was right up my alley.

He chuckled, shaking his head, as he sat them both on the counter. I walked over and slid them closer to me. “I swear you a junkie.”

“Glucose gang ‘til I die, cuz.”

“You bangin’ sugar?” I looked up at him and we fell out almost immediately. I leaned over onto the marble in front of me, cracking all the way up while he stood beside me doing the same. “You got a problem.”

“Nah, that’s why I’m so sweet.” I winked and stuck my tongue out before laughing a little harder. He just grinned at me, his eyes slightly narrowed. “Now, go order the pizza,” I snappily instructed, waving him off and pulling out one of the chairs at the island.

“That wasn't sweet at all.”

I took a seat and pompously crossed my legs, clutching my knee with laced hands and being sure to keep my eyes away from him, even as I spoke. “This is just payback for making me spend the day by myself tomorrow.”

He smacked his lips. “Girl, hush.” He was so serious I couldn't help but laugh, but also don’t be telling me to hush. He went to leave and I reached out to push him. The joke was on me, though, because he had gotten too far. All I had done was push air and almost fallen out of my chair. “Look at you. So sweet I don’t know what I’ma do with you.”

I snorted. “Shut up.”

“You feel like baking for real, though? I need one of them fire ass strawberry cheesecakes.”

“I got you, babe. You know I always feel like baking.”

“Bet. Text me a list so I can get the stuff tomorrow.”

“Ok.”

He came back with his laptop and credit card, settling in the seat next to mine. Normally this part would take a while, because one of us—me—would have a time trying to figure out what they wanted. But that wasn’t the case today. I was starving and my pizza order didn't usually get too complicated anyway. I quickly decided on pepperoni and green peppers, and he went with chicken and spinach. I couldn't wait to eat some of mine and his.

“So… how has it been? How are you?”

I shrugged my shoulder, taking my focus to my hands down on the counter. I really didn't want to talk about this. Honestly, it was the furthest thing from my mind. But I knew he was probably worried. “…Ok, I guess. I’ve been good.”

“Have things gotten any better? Be honest.”

I looked up, seeing the care and concern that I always saw in his eyes. And that shit made it extremely hard for me to lie to him. I wasn’t a good liar either. So, I shook my head. It had actually gotten much worse since the last time he and I saw each other. But, that part, I had to keep to myself. “Not really. Just the same ol’, same ol’.”

His gaze never left me, but he didn’t speak another word. Probably just didn’t have anything to say. I could definitely understand.

At this point my only concern was her wellbeing. I couldn't give anymore advice, because I had long tapped out. It had all been falling on deaf ears anyway. We’d known each other for about a year and a half now, and nothing had changed. I didn't mean to judge her, but she seemed content just where she was. Content with disarray. In my eyes, her reasons for staying were bullshit. Because love damn sure wasn't keeping her. Love wouldn't be doing half the shit she was enduring. It certainly wouldn't have her going into another man’s home just to get away.

Nah.

Love is what had me making accommodations every sixty days for a woman who wasn't mine. It’s what had me turning down the advances of other women when I didn't have to. It’s the five hundred dollar mixer and numerous other baking supplies in my kitchen that I don't even use. It’s what kept me up at night asking myself what the fuck I was doing, and actually attempting to justify it. Love is me throwing everything reasonable, and everything sensible, and everything rational, and everything logical out the window when I knew better.

I felt like it was time for me to make a choice. For my own good if nothing else. Without question, things just weren't gonna work themselves out. I needed to start using my better judgment. It was on me, because she wasn't moving. I needed to take myself out of the picture. I knew this, but it was hard as hell to even think about. A sign from God is what I really needed. Soon. Because I felt that my next move was about to be a mistake no matter what. I hated to admit it, but I was getting tired of going to pick her up every time that ungrateful ass nigga left, having so much fun with her, and then taking her back to him. I wanted her. So fucking bad. And I knew the feeling was mutual. But being on the sidelines of her life was slowly breaking me. I had to accept that whatever I was to her now was likely all I would ever be. Equally, I couldn't stand seeing her allow someone to treat her so poorly when she was worth so much more. I just wish that I had been able to make her understand that. I wish all of it could've gone differently.

“So, what you been up to?” she quietly asked, breaking the silence.

“Not much. Just working, the occasional event, linking with my boys. You know, the usual.”

“Any new possibles?” She couldn't even get it out before her lips started to form a grin. This was what she had really meant by her previous question. She always found a way to work it into the conversation. And each time was less cunning than the last, even though she was for sure trying to be slick.

“Oh, of course.”

“Ewww,” she drawled, simultaneously smiling and scrunching her face in disgust. I chuckled.

“What?”

“‘Oh, of course’!”

I dropped my head, laughing at her exaggerated imitation of me. I did not sound like that. “I'm just saying. Women love the king.”

“Oooh. You weren't this cocky the last time I saw you,” I teased lightheartedly, clutching my imaginary pearls. He was so tickled.

“I’m joking.”

“Nah, you're serious.”

“I know what I bring to the table, but I'm not over feeling myself.”

“I hear you, homie.”

He cut his eyes at me as I kept up my production of faux amazement. “You get on my nerves so bad, Jay.”

I grabbed his shoulder and leaned over on him, laughing too hard. Yeah, I was picking, but I couldn’t be mad. He was telling the truth. Women did indeed love his ass. Whenever we were out, I would catch them staring constantly. A couple of them had even had the gumption to approach him. But seeing him interact with the women who actually knew him, the women in his family, I could just feel it. They really loved him. His mom, his best friend’s mom, his little sister and a cousin were the ones I’d had the opportunity to witness him in conversation with. The adoration was practically radiating from the screen during their Facetime calls. He even had an aunt who would send him care packages from time to time. I understood fully. I absolutely adored him myself. He just had this light about himself and it was fiercely captivating. Even if I’d wanted to let go, I don't believe I could. His place in my heart had been solidified. I couldn't imagine my life without Omari. I didn't even like to think of the possibility.

“So, these possibles,” I continued, a smile still lingering. “Is there looove in the air?”

“Nah.” He reclined in his seat and propped his elbow on the back. In a matter of seconds, all enthusiasm had left his body. “I’m not really on that right now.”

I frowned. He wasn't usually so dry with me. “Did something happen?”

“Nah, not really.”

“So, what’s up? You don't have your eye on anybody?” I found that very hard to believe.

“I mean…” The sly smirk that made its way onto his face caused me to drop my concern like a hot potato. I knew he was holding out.

“Mhmm. Spill, bruh.”

He reached up to rub the back of his neck, laughing a little as he leaned toward the island again. “I didn't say that, I just been chillin’.”

“Nah, something’s going on. We tell each other everything, now cat got your tongue.”

“It’s not even like that. To be completely honest with you, it just feels like nobody is genuine anymore. Now, these women either just out here on the come up or they're only interested for superficial reasons. They don’t really like you. I can’t mess with none of that.”

“Well, I can definitely understand not being able to trust.”

“You know? It’s hard. And I do want that special something with someone, someone I can do life with, but I don't know. Risking your heart like that is just…”

“Yeah. I get it.”

“So, yeah. That’s all it is.”

“Maybe you can start looking in some different places than usual. Where you be?”

“I'm not looking for anything currently.”

“Why do you sound so sad when you say that, though?”

He glanced over at me and laughed, but I didn't return his supposed joy. I can’t lie, it was a bit troubling. We had spoken on this kind of stuff before, but he had never seemed so affected by it. “I’m not sad. I’m good, I promise.”

“Ok, so what qualities would your ideal lady have?” I switched to a lighter, more giddy tone, in hopes of making his mood follow.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I wanna know. Maybe I can help you out a lil bit.”

#original fiction #original characters #black characters #black fiction #black fic #black writer #black reader #i know #SheaButtahWrites

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shutupandshipit · 4 years

Text

Sleepless Nights - Oneshot

Summary: It's a sleepless night for Kaminari. When he goes to see if Midoriya is still awake, he finds something he wasn't really expecting.

Pairing: Bakudeku

Rating: T (just for language)

Notes: Have another one of my outside POVs of BakuDeku, this time from Denki's POV.

This was inspired by the doujinshi Antinomie which is a Subverse universe. Subverse is similar to Omegaverse, but there are only two dynamics, Dom and Sub which are chemically determined and do not physically change the body. There are three parts to the doujinshi, but if you decide to check it out, be warned there are hard noncon/rape aspects in the first part between Katsuki and the villain.

Anyway, enjoy my love of this verse!

Kaminari groaned, turning over beneath his covers. He really needed to sleep, but he knew sleep wouldn't come. Not after Monoma had so liberally flexed his dynamic on Kaminari during their joint training that day.

He absolutely hated the whole Dom/Sub dynamics thing. He hated how he was one of the only male Subs in class, in the whole Hero Course! It wasn't really that surprising, Subs were more common in the General Course because it was hard for Subs to become heroes. Some still made it though. Kamui Woods was a Sub as well as Bubble Girl. Probably most surprising of all was Mr. Aizawa. With a quirk like his, it would have made more sense for him to naturally be a Dom, but no. He just rarely reacted to any Dom other than All Might, Present Mic and Midnight.

Midnight was a special case though. Everyone reacted to her. It was a special part of her quirk, but Kaminari wasn't mad about that. Who would be?

He also hated his dynamic because he could feel his body react to any Dom in the area, especially if he didn't take his suppressants regularly. If he missed a day or his time was off, he would be fighting his instincts all day. If Mina was irritated and cut a glare at him (which didn't happen often, but still), he'd be on his knees in an instant clutching at her ankle until she let up.

He noticed though that in his case, it was a little easier for him to resist Doms who didn't have a personal bond with him. If it was Kirishima, Mina, Jirou or Sero though? He was a goner.

The only Dom he never reacted to was Bakugou which was probably the most curious thing about the dynamics. Bakugou was always angry and raising his voice, but never once did Kaminari react to him. It was almost like he was a Sub, but that didn't make any sense because he never reacted to anyone.

Bakugou was indeed an anomaly, but he must have just had an extremely weak dynamic. Or he never flexed his dynamic which also didn't make any sense for his personality.

Kaminari's biggest hope for making it as a Sub Hero was finding his Pair early on. If he found his Paired Dom, then he'd be set. Once a Sub found their Pair, they would never react to another Dom's commands unless that Dom had an exceptionally powerful dynamic like Midnight or All Might.

He never wanted to meet someone like that, but he'd heard that Shinsou had a strong dynamic. He'd had very few interactions with Shinsou since the Sports Festival, but every time they talked, there was a sharp tugging in his chest. He had to wonder what it was, whether it was his natural instincts to react to a strong Dom or if it was something more, but he wouldn't know without truly submitting to Shinsou. He wasn't ready for that as much as he boasted, so he'd just have to wait.

What he couldn't wait for was sleep.

Sleepless nights happened few and far in-between for him, but when they did, they really were sleepless. He'd just lay in bed until his alarm went off in the morning, so usually, he just found something else to do. Or found someone else who was still awake to bother. Generally, he just went to Midoriya who was the only other person who had the occasional bout of insomnia and could help him during times like this without needing anything in return.

So, he wasn't surprised when he padded down the dark hall to find light filtering from beneath his door.

Knocking lightly so he didn't wake anyone else up, he pushed open the door when he heard a soft mumble in return.

He was not expecting to find Midoriya sitting on the edge of his bed with Bakugou between his knees, head pillowed against Midoriya's ample thigh. A thin black leather collar hung loosely from Bakugou's wrist.

Midoriya nodded off, head dipping and lifting every few seconds. His hand was buried in Bakugou's blond spikes, completely still in his doze.

Bakugou looked completely blissed out in his sleep. It was the calmest and sweetest Kaminari had ever seen him look.

His heart raced and jealousy bloomed hot and green in his chest. Frozen in the entryway, he could only stare at them.

'Katsuki is a Sub. Katsuki is a Sub. Katsuki is a Sub. Katsuki is-'

"Holy crap, you're a Sub!" Kaminari shouted before he could stop himself.

Bakugou and Midoriya flung themselves away from each other. Katsuki hit Midoriya's desk with a grunt. Midoriya slammed against the wall by his bed and groaned. The collar flew through the air before landing and rolling to a stop at Kaminari's feet.

The soft air of the moment went up in flames.

"What the fuck?" Bakugou snarled, glaring from Kaminari to Midoriya, "Fucking Deku! I thought you said you locked the door!"

"I thought I had!" Midoriya gasped breathlessly, clutching at his chest, "What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep because of what Monoma did earlier, and I knocked and heard you reply, so I came in, and... and..." His mind leaped for the only logical conclusion. "You're a Pair!"

"Shut it, Dunce Face! Do you want the whole damn dorm to hear you?"

Kaminari paused, pulse still thumping hard enough that he felt his skin pulsing along with it. Dropping his voice, he whispered, "Is it a secret?"

"Well, it sure as fuck ain't advertised!" Bakugou snapped, as irritable as always.

"'Stop'," Midoriya sighed, sliding to the edge of his bed again. They both went still immediately, and relief flooded through Kaminari at the gentle command. "'Kneel, Denki'."

Kaminari sank to his knees with a shuddering sigh of relief and pleasure, and Bakugou glared over at Midoriya.

When Midoriya spoke next, it lacked the flex of his dynamic. "Don't look at me like that, Kacchan. You don't have to deal with being forced to submit like Kaminari does, and you don't realize the strain it puts on his body. We've been through the classes, but it's not the same as experiencing-" He cut himself off with a shuddering sigh. "Class doesn't explain it because the curriculum is geared more towards Doms. It's not like I'm going to do anything with him, this just helps mitigate the effects from others."

"And how often do you two have this little pow wow? Were you going to tell me, or just leave me in the fucking dark?"

Kaminari snorted, and did his best to stifle his giggles. This was the first time he had ever heard Bakugou sound like a jealous boyfriend. It was more fun to watch than he thought.

"What the fuck are you laughing about?" Bakugou snapped at him. The effect was lessened by the fact that not only were they both on the floor, but Bakugou was still propped up on his arms from when he'd thrown himself away from Midoriya.

"It all just makes so much sense now." Kaminari grinned widely. "I'm glad you have your Pair. I mean, I don't think you would have gone through what I do anyway. You're so stubborn, you probably wouldn't react to a Dom's command out of sheer force of will. But it's better to never know, right?"

Bakugou narrowed his eyes, but glanced away, red tinging the tips of his ears and his cheeks.

Midoriya smiled at him. "I probably don't have to ask you this, but um, our relationship isn't something people know about? We'd rather keep it under raps, so if you could..." He trailed off meaningfully.

It took Kaminari a moment to understand, but when he did, he grinned. "Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me! Who would believe me anyway? But I guess this means I should probably find another Dom to help. Don't want to step on anyone's toes or anything."

Midoriya caught Bakugou's eye, and after a moment of silent conversation, Bakugou huffed. "Whatever. It's fine as long as you don't do anything together. Until you find your Pair or a Dom, I guess."

Kaminari launched himself onto Bakugou. "I'll look real hard, I swear! You're such a good friend, Bakubro!"

"Don't call me that, Dunce Face, and get the fuck off!" Bakugou snapped, but not as harshly as normal as he shoved at Kaminari's body, "Now, if you're all fixed or whatever, get the fuck out."

Kaminari took a moment to take stock of his body, and while the tightness in his chest was still there, it was less than before. Now, he just needed to calm down, and he could take walk to accomplish that. "Sure thing."

"Wait, are you sure?" Midoriya stuttered, and Kaminari grinned back.

"Yeah! I'll see you guys in the morning!" He pushed himself to his feet and headed for the door. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Scooping up the collar on his way passed, he tossed it back to Midoriya who fumbled to catch it.

Before he closed the door completely, he paused to peak back and watch his strange pair of friends.

"'Come'," Midoriya murmured quietly with a gentle flex in his voice. Bakugou crawled willingly back to him, expression exhausted as he found a comfortable seat between Midoriya's knees again. When he settled his head on Midoriya's thigh, head craddled in his hand and their fingers twined together, Midoriya began murmuring too quietly for Kaminari to hear.

The serene air from before settled back into place as if it had never been disturbed.

Bakugou hummed in response, just a quiet rumble in the room, and Kaminari finally shut the door silently.

Padding down to the common room, he found his way out onto the street. He breathed in the cold night air, clearing out the rest of the excitement and knots in his chest. He wondered if those knots were panic, panic at being commanded by someone he didn't trust, panic at wondering if that person was going to command him to do something he didn't want to do, panic at not having a say in what happened to him during those times. Nothing terrible had happened so far, he'd been lucky. There were horror stories of Doms abusing their Subs, and it terrified Kaminari every time someone commanded him that it might be his turn.

The scrape of shoes close by startled him bad enough that his heart started racing all over again. Spinning around, he found Shinsou staring sleepily at him.

"Sorry," Shinsou said in his deep voice, scrubbing a hand through his purple hair, "Didn't mean to startle you. Didn't expect anyone else to be out this late."

The tug was back, strong and insistent as it always was when Shinsou was near. They stared at each other. "I couldn't sleep."

"Same. I don't sleep well. At all really."

They lapsed into silence, and after a moment, Kaminari mustered up the courage to blurt, "Do you have a Pair? Or a Sub?" Heat crowded his face, and Kaminari wanted to chide himself. After seeing Midoriya and Bakugou though, feeling that immediate jealousy, he thought he might have been more ready than he first realized.

When Shinsou considered him for a moment and said, "No, never really thought about it or had the chance," he knew he was ready.

Kaminari smiled despite the heat in his face. "Do you want one?"

#my hero academia #mha #bakudeku #dekubaku #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #kaminari denki #denki POV #subverse #dom/sub dynamics #I really do love this verse #one shot #my writing #sleepless nights

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detectivejay-chuckles-halstead · 4 years

Text

Jay Halstead x Reader Imagine

Description: Being Jay’s partner was the best thing that happened in your career. Being with Jay was the best thing in your life. But what happens when a case goes sideways?

Words: 8048

Warnings: Violence against Women, Major Whump

Pairings: Jay Halstead x Reader

The day you were brought upstairs from being a beat cop was one of the best days of your life. You’d helped out many times on Intelligence cases, had caught the eye of the key players in the team. Your partner, Kim Burgess, was excited for you, but you knew she wanted that spot when Erin left.

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity for you, and you wouldn’t turn it down just to try and be nice to Kim’s feelings. Plus, the night Voight had extended the opportunity to you, you and Kim had gone out to Molly’s, Kim had bought you a round, had excessively congratulated you with Adam by her side. He told you how excited he was to have you upstairs now, but he gave you a warning that night.

“Jay and Erin, they had a good thing going, and he’s taking her leaving pretty hard,” Adam explained. “So, don’t be surprised if you don’t get a warm welcome.”

“I’m not too worried,” you replied. “He’ll warm up to me pretty fast, considering how charming I can be.” That got a laugh out of the couple, nursing your beer. “Plus, he texted me, saying he was on his way.”

Adam gave you a funny look, but didn’t say anything. You could make the excuse that it was just Jay trying to get to know you, but you knew that was wrong. He’d figure it out soon enough. The three of you laughed about nothing, shared a few more shots, and had an overall great time until Jay showed up. You could tell he was there when a hand came to rest on your back, turning to look at him with a smile.

“Took you long enough, babe,” you said, letting him kiss you before turning back to your friends. Kim had a shit-eating grin, and Adam looked like he was a fish out of water.

It had been Jay’s idea to keep it on the down-low, with everything that happened with Erin. You couldn’t blame him. When Erin announced she’d be leaving, Voight had been the one to talk to Jay about bringing you up. He knew, though, about the rule of no in-house relationships, and had let Voight know what was going on between the two of you. At first, you though Jay was joking when he’d explained it to you, saying that Voight said it was fine as long as it didn’t interfere with your job. Maybe, it had meant that Voight knew you were both good cops, good enough to need to be on his team.

“I knew it!” Kim announced, turning to Adam with a look of triumph. “I knew it! You’ve just been in a good mood recently, more so than usual and…”

“And Jay and I have been together for almost two years, Kim,” you cut her off, her smile dropping with a look of confusion.

“How you been keeping this a secret, man?” Adam asked him as you snuck your hand up the hem of Jay’s shirt to rest on the skin of his waist. He gave you a coy smile before answering his friend.

“It wasn’t hard. You all thought Erin and I had a thing going on the side. You just had the wrong girl. Erin loves, Y/N,” he answered.

“That is true. And she was the only one outside of our families who knew, not counting Mouse, because he’s part of Jay’s family. Until Voight brought me upstairs,” you continued. “Though, I don’t know why he’s bending the rules for us, though.” Jay hadn’t been able to answer that question either.

“Again, how have you been keeping this huge secret for two years?” Adam said again, leaning across the table to push against Jay’s chest. He couldn’t help but laugh, stealing a drink from your beer.

“Its had its days where it’s harder, but we leave work at work, and leave our worries at the door, man,” Jay tried explaining. “Now, I have an idea.”

——-

It had been two weeks of being in Intelligence with Jay. You hadn’t gotten any good cases, mostly just helping out overall in the district and getting used to things. The two of you would walk in together and leave together, even if it meant one of you would be waiting a bit longer for the other. You would make each other coffee, throwing wadded up paper at each other, generally flirting. And nobody seemed to notice, and if they did, they didn’t say anything.

One morning in particular, you both had a long night, dueling hangovers. You were wearing his leather jacket and a pair of your own sunglasses. Jay was grumbling about you stealing his jacket, that you never thought to bring your own when it started getting cold out.

“At least your ears are warm with that beanie,” you reminded him, sitting down at your desk and propping your feet up. He just glared at you, rubbing his arms, trying to heat them up with friction.

“It’s not like you haven’t hogged the entire coat closet with jackets and coats, Y/N,” he countered, you throwing a pen at him.

“What, you crashed at his place last night?” Kevin asked, confused. That got a snort out of Adam. “You know something we don’t?” he then asked, turning to the other man. Adam threw his hands up defensively.

“They’ve been playing us for weeks,” Antonio finally chimed in, you letting your sunglasses fall down the bridge of your nose to look at him. “Talked to Gabby last night. Those two,” he continued, pointing between the two of you, “have started having a thing.” You couldn’t help but look at Jay and laugh, him giving you a smile in return. He leaned back in his chair, hands on his stomach.

“Close, but not quite, Antonio,” Jay corrected, looking over at Adam, getting a puzzled look from the Antonio.

“Yeah. Y/N is his half-sister,” Adam informed the team. You were so glad he was playing along.

“A Halstead sister? But her last name isn’t Halstead,” he said, seeming to be even more confused now. Tears were streaming down your face as you laughed, standing up.

“Definitely siblings,” you agreed, sitting down on Jay’s lap, your arm draped around his shoulders. Kevin looked grossed out when you sat on Jay’s lap, even more so when you kissed him.

“Jay and I have been dating for two years you guys,” you assured them. “Plus, I don’t think Will could keep up with a sister, let alone someone as insane as me.”

“We’ve got a case,” Voight interrupted, shooting the two of you dagger eyes. That was enough for you to get off Jay’s lap, making your way back to your own desk.

——-

“I don’t like this,” Jay told you as you got changed in the locker room, your back to him. You guys needed someone to go undercover in a strip joint, and unfortunately, you were the only woman on the team.

“I know you don’t, but Jay, these girls deserve justice,” you reminded him before motioning for him to toss you the shirt sitting on the bench. He did so, you pulling it on. “Plus, it’s not like you’re not going to be there,” you added, turning to face him.

You didn’t like the clothes one bit, the shirt too low cut, the skirt to high up on your thighs, and the heels were killing your feet already. But it was worth it if it meant you caught this son of a bitch.

“I look ridiculous,” you grumble, trying to pull the skirt down a little bit, but his hands caught your wrists, looking up at him through your eyelashes. You were jealous that he got to get dressed up in a suit, the light blue of the shirt complimenting his eyes. He had the top three buttons undone, getting a glimpse of well chiseled chest.

“You look fine,” he assured you. “Plus, I wouldn’t mind if you brought that outfit home after this.” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes, letting him kiss you before you began to apply your makeup.

The case was tough, so far four girls working out of a strip club found dead in the alley behind it just a few nights apart. It had been obvious that they’d been abducted from the club, killed at a secondary location, and then dumped. You hadn’t been able to catch whoever was doing it, not sure how he was getting away with it. It had been Al’s idea to send someone in, and obviously, that meant you.

“In your dreams, Halstead,” you told him, applying the lipstick thick. “Only if Detective Halstead finally shows up to.”

You’d been trying to convince him for months to do some roleplay, but he’d always found an excuse not to. You knew part of it was because of the agreement to leave work at work and all worries at the door, but you kept thinking it would be fun. Maybe this was the incentive to get him to agree, by playing stripper as well.

“I’ll consider it,” he agreed, biting the inside of his cheek as his eyes landed on your ass.

“You two ready to go?” Antonio said, popping his head inside the locker room. “Remember, you still got to follow strip club rules, Halstead. Even if your girl is dancing.” Jay jokingly groaned, but you knew there was some truth in it as the two of you walked with Antonio down to the back entrance.

“There’s a mic in the necklace,” Mouse told you, helping you put the necklace on. It was simple, not too flashy, but hung low enough to accent your assets.

“We’ll be listening in the entire time, Y/L/N,” Voight reminded you. “Jay’s gonna be in there as well, able to listen as well. You remember the code word?”

You nodded, remembering it well. “Jeweler. Though, don’t know how I’m gonna slip that into conversation. I’ll find a way though.” Voight nodded, looking between you and Jay again.

“You guys are gonna have to keep your heads on straight with this one, okay? No going rogue, playing this by the books. No funny business either, okay?” You and Jay both verbally agreed with what Hank was saying before heading out, the team following you.

——-

The music in the club was louder than you’d like it to be, not really into the whole club scene. Especially not strip clubs. As you made your way around the place, trying to pick up somebody, you could see Jay eyeing you occasionally. It wasn’t often enough to draw suspicion, but enough to give you some sense of security.

After your third loop, an attractive gentleman put his hand on your arm to get your attention, a charming smile. He had to be no older than mid-thirties, salt-and-pepper hair, dark green eyes. If you weren’t madly in love with Jay, you would have thought this man would be a good choice.

“How much for a private dance?” he asked you, voice like gravel.

“Seventy-five,” you answered, the man not missing a beat as he pulled out a hundred. You took the money, and gave him a smile. You saw Jay’s brow furrow as your eyes met before the man walked with you to the back rooms.

“How long have you been working here?” he asked, loosening his tie as he sat down. “I haven’t seen you around before.”

“Just a couple weeks. My name’s Candy. What’s yours?” you asked innocently with a smile, straddling him.

“Justin. I’m sorry to hear about those girls, the ones they found nearby.” You couldn’t explain it, but you did not have a good feeling about this guy, his hand coming up to play with your necklace. “Where did you get such a beautiful piece?” he then asked as you ground your hips down into his, pretending to enjoy this.

“I just got it back from-” You couldn’t get the last word out before his hand was around your throat, cutting off any chance of breathing you had. You grabbed his wrist with both hands, trying to get his hand from around your throat. No noise came out though, wanting to call for help. Your nails dug into the skin of his arm. You tried, you really did, but you could see the edges of your vision getting darker and darker until your world went black.

——

Jay. That was the first name that came to your mind when you finally came to. Your hands were bound above your head, a gag in your mouth. It took a minute to piece together the bits and pieces to remember why you were in this position, how you got there.

You turned your head to each side, trying to see where you were at. It looked like a warehouse of some kind, but more like a long term storage facility. You weren’t exactly sure. Either way, it wasn’t where you were supposed to be. You were supposed to be closing this case, and going home. With Jay.

You knew as soon as he realized you were gone, he was going to beat himself up over it. He was going to blame himself for not watching you better before directing his anger at Voight or Al since those were the two who thought of this plan.

It was cold, the metal of the table you were tied to. You could feel zip-ties digging into your skin, digging deeper the more you struggled against them. You tried kicking your legs, but you had rope around your ankles. You didn’t know what else to do, stuck there, waiting for this psycho to make his next move. Unfortunately, you didn’t have to wait long to hear his footsteps approaching. Tears pricked at your eyes, trying to not let them spill over. But you were terrified. You’d seen those girls’ bodies, knew the torture they’d endured in just a few short hours. You could only hope that Jay would find you soon.

———-

You couldn’t take it anymore, praying for death. If dying meant getting out of the pain, out of this torture, it would be worth it. Justin had taken the gag out of your mouth seemingly hours ago, screams tearing at your throat with every punch, every cut, every single time he touched you.

“Please,” you begged. “Please just kill me.” You didn’t think of the mic that you were still wearing when you begged for him to end it. It didn’t matter either way, because you’d given up hope that they’d find you.

————

“How can we not know where she is?” Jay yelled, hand raking through his hair as they went over every detail again. The suit jacket had long been discarded, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up mid-forearm. He knew there should have been a GPS tracker as well, just in case. But at the same time, he’d been determined to protect you. It was his job, as both your partner at work and your boyfriend.

He’d told Mouse to continuously listen to the incoming audio, to let him know if anything changed. It had been hours since you’d disappeared, hours that you could have been dead. He tried to not think of that, tried to hold onto the hope that you would be okay.

“Jay, you might want to hear this,” Mouse said from his desk. Jay walked over, putting on the headphones as Mouse rewound the recording.

“Please,” you begged, his heart breaking as he heard your strained voice. “Please just kill me.” Mouse had told him what was going on, Jay had heard your screams, feeling helpless.

“Dammit!” he yelled, slamming the headphones down on the desk, pacing the length of the bullpen as the others worked diligently to figure out where this guy had you hidden. “Dammit,” he muttered, quieter this time, leaning against his desk. It was just that morning that you were sitting in the desk across from his, smiling, laughing. He rubbed his eyes, wiping away the forming tears as Voight called him into his office.

“This isn’t your fault, Halstead,” Voight tried telling him, but he brushed it off.

“Yes, it is. I shouldn’t have let her go back there, I should’ve followed. I should have realized something was wrong sooner. Y/N is being tortured because I couldn’t protect her!” Jay ranted, hands and voice shaking. “I can’t lose her, Hank.”

Voight didn’t have many moments that someone could call him soft, but this was one of them, pulling Jay in and letting him cry. “We’re going to get her back,” he assured Jay, the younger detective clinging to his Sergeant.

“We’ve got something!” Adam announced, Jay letting go with a nod and walking back out. “Justin’s mom rents a warehouse out in Cicero. The thing is, mom’s been dead for fifteen years, since Justin was a kid,” he continued.

“Let’s go!” Voight told the crew, looking at Jay. As everyone rushed down, he held Jay back for a minute. “We’d all understand if this son of a bitch doesn’t walk out of that warehouse tonight.”

Jay knew what Voight meant, knew that there would be no limits or restrictions on how they could handle this guy, on how Voight would let him handle it. For the first time in Jay’s life, he wanted true, unfiltered revenge.

———

You couldn’t breathe, every breath making the fire in your chest grow hotter. He’d stopped his actions for the time being, but you were just waiting for imminent death. You heard footsteps approaching you, squeezing your eyes shut as Justin whistled an unidentifiable tune. You could hear chains rattling together, could barely hear the city outside. It was ironic. Born in Chicago. Killed in Chicago.

“Tell me, Nightingale,” he said as he laid the chain across your throat. “You so sure you want to die?”

“Please,” was the only word you could manage to get out as he started pulling down on the chain, feeling the air get trapped in your lungs, unable to get more in. You tried to cough, tried to scream, but nothing would work. This was it. And the only thing on your mind was Jay, his smile, his laugh, the memories. He was the best thing in your life. You could only hope he could forgive you.

You couldn’t hear much over the sound of blood rushing in your ears, though, you easily recognized the sound of gun fire. The chain fell, allowing you to suck in a deep breath which caused more pain to your chest. Then, a coughing fit before trying to pull free of the zip ties and rope again, not sure what was going on.

“Y/N!” you heard someone yell before hands were on you again.

You couldn’t help but scream at the sudden contact, not sure who it was, eyes squeezing closed, head thrashing back and forth. You felt whoever it was untie the rope around your ankles, getting a good kick in as soon as your foot was free. He groaned before cutting your hands free.

“Look at me,” he said, voice soft, soothing. You opened your eyes, seeing that it was Jay. As soon as you recognized him, your bottom lip quivered, trying to cover yourself. He didn’t say anything as he slipped his jacket off, draping it over your shoulders.

“You’re okay,” he assured you. “I’ve got you.” That was enough, with everything that had happened to you. You couldn’t just put on a brave face, tears streaming down your cheeks as he pulled you into his chest. Sobs wracked through your body, holding onto him like he was the only thing keeping you from going under. Surprisingly, he didn’t stroke through your hair or rubbed you back. Instead, he just pressed his forehead to the top of your head, just holding you. This was as much of an ordeal for him, considering he’d thought he’d lost you.

“Jay,” Voight said, getting his attention. You didn’t turn to look at the Sergeant, keeping a tight hold on Jay. “How do you want to handle this?”

“Let’s just get her to Med. I’ll meet you at the docks,” he said, his grip tightening a little more on you. You didn’t know what he meant by that, and you were sure you didn’t want to know.

“Intelligence to Main. Roll an ambo to our location for a severely assaulted officer,” Kevin said into the radio, getting an affirmative reply.

“You’re gonna get checked out at Med with Jay, okay?” Voight told you. You just nodded into Jay’s chest, not saying anything. You would have never thought that the feeling of the kevlar vest against you would feel like home, or the smell of the cologne he knew you hated but he loved. Plus, the kevlar gave a barrier. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust him, but you were scared, terrified, and it gave you a little more security.

“You’re safe,” Jay assured you again. You heard the ambulance arrive, could tell the medics were waiting for you to let go of him. Your mind blocked it out, though, surely going into shock. You couldn’t distinguish what Jay was telling them, or telling you.

They got you on the stretcher, moving you to the ambulance. Jay was right next to you the entire time, holding your hand. However, as soon as the medic touched you to start an IV, you freaked out, throwing punches and screaming. It took Jay and Adam holding you down for them to be able to sedate you. Your own fear was overwhelming, so you didn’t notice the tears in Jay’s eyes as he restrained you. But, his face was the last thing you saw before drifting off.

———

When you woke up, you were expecting to be back in that warehouse. Instead, you felt blankets on top of you, a pillow behind your head, and the weight of Jay’s arms and head on your lap. He was sleeping, probably very uncomfortably. You could see his vest on the couch across the room, which meant he hadn’t gone back to the station at all. Had he left at all?

Everything hurt. Every breath still hurt, but not as bad. There was still the fear though. You hadn’t known what had happened to the offender, if he was in jail or dead. Remembering what happened was what tipped Jay off that you were awake.

You’d always been under the impression that the brain could block off traumatic events, had hoped you’d never remember what happened. Every ache told you otherwise, flashbacks of what he did to you resting under the surface. You were shaking, hyperventilating, heart rate spiking which set off the monitor.

Jay’s head shot up, looking at you with worry. “Hey,” he said softly, not touching you. You looked at him, which made you start crying. “You’re okay, baby. You’re safe.”

“Jay,” you choked out before dissolving into full fledged sobs. He climbed into the bed with you, holding you. Just like the night before, he didn’t rub a hand along your back and comb through your hair. He just held you. You thought it might have been his way of acknowledging what happened. Or maybe, just maybe, in the back of your mind, you thought it could be because he saw you differently.

“Breathe, Y/N. Just breathe,” he told you each time you took a breath to continue crying. It was enough for you to take deeper breaths, which helped calm you down. “That’s it. Just breathe.”

“I’m sorry,” you told him as your sobs died down into sniffles. “I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about, you hear me? Nothing. This was not your fault, not by a long shot,” he told you. You didn’t understand why he could be so forgiving, or to look past the position you’d gotten yourself into.

“I want to go home,” you then told him. You didn’t know how long they were going to keep you at Med, hoped it wouldn’t be long. You just wanted to be at home, in your bed, not giving a care in the world.

“I know. Dr Manning is going to come up and see you. She just wanted you to be awake to check things over. Then, Dr Charles is gonna see you. Then, hopefully you’ll go home today.” He took a breath, seeming to steady himself before he spoke again. “I thought I lost you.”

You couldn’t say anything to that, and you didn’t. There wasn’t a lot you could say at this point, all of it so fresh in your mind, trying to process what had happened.

———-

You’d kicked Jay out of the room when Dr Charles had shown up. He looked hurt, but you hoped he’d eventually understand. It just felt like he was breathing down your throat, and with everything that had happened, you’d decided you needed some kind of space even if it was just talking to Dr Charles alone.

“I know everybody has probably been asking you this,” he said, sitting down in the chair Jay had been occupying. “But, how are you feeling?” You rolled your eyes, arms crossing over your chest so that your hands wouldn’t shake.

“I don’t know how to describe it,” you answered. “Everything hurts. I haven’t had the courage to look at the damage he caused. Jay…” You shook your head. “He’s been a little overbearing, breathing down my neck all day. He acts like I’m going to break every time he touches me.”

“And what do you think? Do you feel like you’re going to break if he touches you?” Daniel asked.

You couldn’t help it as tears welled in your eyes again, quickly brushing them away. It seemed like he noticed, though he didn’t say anything. You were very conflicted with that answer, but you tried to be honest with him. He wasn’t going to judge you, you knew that. Jay was a different story. You didn’t know if you’d ever be able to tell him how you felt about it.

“I feel…” You took a breath to steady yourself. “I feel like I’m already broken. And that Jay is going to cut himself on those edges.”

“What you’re telling me, how it’s sounding. It’s all very normal after experiencing a traumatic event like you did. And those emotions are going to take a long time to figure out, it’s not going to be over night. I’m going to sign off on your discharge, but I want you following up with either myself or someone in my office to set up a time to continue this discussion once you settle a little, okay?” You nodded, wiping away more tears. It felt like you just couldn’t stop crying. “Do you want me to send Jay in?”

“No… Yes. I-I don’t.” You just looked up at the ceiling.

“I’ll go ahead and send him in. The best advice I have for you right now in this moment is to set boundaries with him. Hell, with everyone. At least until you process and figure out the mess that’s in your head.” After you nodded, he left the room. It took a few minutes for Jay to come in, figuring Daniel had probably talked to Jay about something.

When Jay did come back in, he didn’t say anything as he sat down, seeming to wait for you to start the conversation. Maybe it was something Daniel had said, you weren’t sure.

“Dr Charles suggested I make boundaries,” you said softly, folding your hands on your lap as you looked over at him. “I love you, Jay, but I...I don’t know.”

“Whatever it is, I’ll understand, and I’ll respect it. This doesn’t change anything with us.” It was nice to hear it, but you didn’t really believe it. What if he decided it was too much for him? What if the boundaries you set pushed him too far away? But it was worth a shot.

“When I’m upset, I like that you’ll hold me without me having to say anything. Just hold me,” you told him, looking down at your hands. “I’ll let you know if I don’t want it. But when I’m not. I want to initiate contact for a while. If-If you do, because you forget or...or whatever reason, I’ll let you know if it’s okay.” He nodded along, seeming to be really listening to you. “I don’t know about sleeping, how to go about that. Maybe I’ll sleep in the guest room for a while? But I just...I don’t want to be alone in the apartment.”

“I’ll move some stuff around when we get home,” he told you. He didn’t seem to sound hurt, seemed very understanding. “I just want to make sure, to clarify. Is it okay if I ask if something is okay? Say, I want to kiss you or hold your hand or whatever it is?” You nodded in agreement, knowing as long as you got some kind of heads up and that it didn’t just come out of the blue. “I’ll do my best, I’ll really try.”

“Thank you,” you said, reaching your hand out for his. He gave you a sad smile as he obliged with the unspoken request, lacing your fingers together.

———

Jay had brought you home that afternoon, following a couple steps behind you. You didn’t understand what you’d done to deserve a guy like Jay, who could be so understanding. You knew he had his own demons though, that he probably understood through those.

It was odd being home. It had only been a couple of days since you’d left for work and hadn’t come back. Oh, how things could change in a couple of days. Jay sat down your bag on the kitchen table. The ride home had been quiet, the both of you keeping your hands to yourself. Usually, you’d ride home with his hand on your knee, or your hands entwined at the center console. A part of you had wanted that normalcy, but it felt wrong.

“I’m going to move some of my clothes to the guest room. It’s not fair to make you move your stuff,” he told you. You just nodded in response, wanting to take a shower. You knew you didn’t want Jay anywhere near you when you saw yourself in the mirror for the first time.

The two of you went your separate ways, doing your own things. You had grabbed his Army t-shirt and some of your yoga pants before locking yourself in the bathroom.

You weren’t sure how to go about it, so you stripped down and took a shower. When you were done and dried off, you held onto the sink and looking down. The sink drain had twelve holes, which you counted at least a dozen times, trying to get the courage to look into the mirror. Despite feeling the pain of every bruise and ut, seeing it was different.

The chain he’d started to strangle you with had left a dark bruise along the front of your throat. You could vaguely make out the lighter finger-shaped bruises he’d left from the club. Your lips were busted in three different spots, and one eye looked like it was nearly swollen shut. A deep gash ran through your eyebrow, another had stitches along your temple. Your nose was bruised, surprised it wasn’t broken. Your eyes continued downward, losing count of how many handprints were left on you, how many cuts he’d tallied into your skin. You ignored the worst of it, the part that you were sure was going to leave an everlasting scar. Across your stomach, he’d carved the word ‘whore.’ The cuts were deep and inflamed. You were a detective, a well liked, detective who had gone undercover and had come out with the word ‘whore’ scarred on your body for the world to see. Even if you weren’t, even if you had indeed been a worker at that club, it wasn’t something you — or anybody else — deserved to have happen.

You didn’t realize you were crying again until Jay knocked on the door, asking if you were alright. You didn’t say anything in response, throwing on the clothes before unlocking the door. Now you knew how much like shit you actually looked after the whole ordeal.

“Do you want to talk or-” You cut him off, talking being the last thing you wanted to do.

“I’m going to go lay down,” you said. “I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

He nodded in response. You knew you had to do what felt right to help you get through this. So, you got closer to him, almost pressed against him again. He kept his hands at his sides, confused as to what you were doing. You cupped his cheeks in your hands, then stood on your tip-toes and brushing your lips against his. It wasn’t a full kiss, barely the ghost of one, but it was enough to show him that this didn’t change anything, just like he’d said.

———

Voight had told you to take time off, and you were more than happy to if you were being honest. But in this moment, you were frustrated and bored out of your mind. It had been nearly six weeks, all of your bruises healed up, the cuts scarring over for the most part. You avoided the mirror like the plague, though, but it was something you were working on with Dr Charles.

“It’s not like I’m going to go off the deep end, Jay! If I was going to do that, I would have!” The two of you were sitting on the couch, his arm around you.

You’d lessened on your boundaries with him, letting him know if it was a good day or a bad day. If it was bad, then the boundaries were there in full force. If it was a good day, less so. He’d gotten into the habit of making sure you knew he was next to you before touching you, which made it a little better. You still weren’t sharing a bed full time, but some nights. It was a process, you both knew that.

“I know, but Voight cares about you. He just wants to make sure you’re one-hundred percent before coming back. That’s all.” You pulled back, glaring at him.

“So, what? I’m not one-hundred percent? You think that Jay, huh?” you asked, angry, getting up off the couch to pace the room.

“That’s not...You know what I mean, Y/N,” he replied, sitting on the edge of the couch with his elbows on his knees.

“I know what you said, Jay!” You huffed, crossing your arms and looking at him. “Those first few days, it felt like you thought I was going to break. But now! It’s been six weeks, Jay! I’m not going to just fall apart at the drop of a hat! You still treat me like I’m fragile and I hate it!” You weren’t going to lie, it had been boiling down to this. Dr Charles had told you that you needed to talk to Jay before it reached this point, but you had never found the need to.

“I respect your boundaries, Y/N. I don’t think you’re going to just break,” he tried explaining, but you were upset and a bit irrational.

“Really? Jay, I want my boyfriend back! Not the cop who had to rescue me, because sometimes that’s all you seem to act like!” you reminded him.

“You…” He shook his head. “Yeah, Y/N. Sometimes it’s hard to turn off the cop part of me, to differentiate the different parts of myself. I remember standing in Voight’s office, helpless after hearing you beg for Justin to kill you. I remember crying, not sure if we were going to find you in time and blaming myself. So yeah, sometimes it’s hard for me to act like your boyfriend when the cop side of me couldn’t save you,” he told you, voice steady. That was how you knew he was truly upset.

With you, you would yell and your voice would shake and it was obvious you were upset. With him, it was different. It was a stoic face, a firm and steady voice. And he didn’t move. He wouldn’t talk with his hands like he did when he was calm and relaxed.

He’d never really talked about what happened when it came to finding you, and you’d never thought to ask. Now, though, it made more sense. You’d completely forgotten about the mic in the necklace, not realizing that Jay would have been able to hear every second of your torture.

“Jay, I-” It was his turn to cut you off.

“I didn’t tell you for a reason. You were blaming yourself for it when we found you. I wasn’t going to add to that. Plus, it wasn’t me we needed to focus on getting better. It was you. So yeah, I didn’t tell you because there wasn’t a reason to. And yeah, it’s affected how I act around you some days. I can still hear your screams in my head, even when you’re standing right there in front of me smiling. I was afraid that if I let my guard down again, it could happen again. And I’ve been trying to work on it, I really have,” he continued.

You didn’t know what to say, feeling like a complete asshole. So, you pushed him back on the couch to straddle him. Then, you did what he’d been doing for you for the past six weeks. You just held him tight.

———-

Voight had agreed to let you come back three weeks later. You had a feeling Jay was the mastermind behind it, thanking him on the drive home from work. It was nice to get back to a normal routine, one step back to being yourself.

———

It had been four months since the attack, and you were ready for a lot of things. One of them was having Jay back in your bedroom with you. It had been few and far between that he had slept in the guest room over the last two of those months, but you were ready for that step. Another was getting rid of set boundaries. Still, he told you to let him know if you were having a bad day and that he’d help in any way he could. Even if that meant giving you space. The third...well, the third was something you’d talked to Dr Charles about, and he urged you to try. Even if it didn’t go as far as you were hoping, he wanted you to try.

“Jay?” you asked as the two of you laid in bed. He was reading an online article — you weren’t sure what for — and you’d been doing a crossword puzzle. He gave you a hmmm in response, not looking at you. It took a deep breath to build some kind of courage, tossing your puzzle book on the bedside table before taking his phone from him. He looked at you confused as you set the device next to your puzzle book.

“Okay, you have my attention,” he assured you with a smile.

“I want to try something.” He looked at you puzzled, but didn’t say anything, knowing you were going to answer his questions soon. You took that as the go-ahead, moving to straddle his lap with a smile of your own. His hands rested on your thighs, looking at you.

“What did you have in mind?” he asked. You didn’t answer with words, instead, it was a rough kiss, your hands running through his hair and holding him close.

The two of you had shared a number of kisses since the incident, though they were always short and sweet, never lasting long. It was typically you that stopped, that pulled away with apologies. So, what you weren’t expecting was for Jay to pull back.

“Y/N,” he started to say, licking his bottom lip, but you cut him off with another, softer kiss.

“I’m sure, Jay. This isn’t a rash thing, or something I haven’t thought over a million times.” He nodded, kissing you again, pulling you flush against him. The two of you continued this dance for a while, pulling back to kiss down along the skin of his neck.

For you, this wasn’t just about the intimacy. It was to show him that you trusted him. As well as showing yourself that you could trust him. He hadn’t seen the scars, having only seen glimpses when they first found you. It was you baring yourself to him for the first time all over again.

You pulled back again, pulling off his shirt. He looked at you with desire and love as your hands slid down his chest, feeling the muscles just beneath the surface. When he went to take off your shirt though, your hands grabbed his wrists, stopping him. He looked confused more than anything.

“I just...He caused a lot of permanent scars,” you warned Jay. He didn’t say anything, just giving you a soft, reassuring smile as he slowly slid your shirt up and over your head, keeping eye contact the entire time.

“Whatever he did, it doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t change how I see you,” Jay assured you. You couldn’t help that your bottom lip quivered, not able to look away from him as his eyes left yours and began looking you over.

One of his hands rested on your thigh, the other traced the scars starting from your collarbone and going down. His touch was light as a feather, but you knew it was there. He didn’t trace the word across your stomach, though. You knew he saw it, saw him look at it, a flash of anger in his eyes.

“This isn’t true,” he told you firmly. “This is far from the truth. You are beautiful, and amazing, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’re smart, funny, honest. The list could go on and on, but this. You’re not this. You’re not what he did to you.” You really didn’t know what you’d done to deserve a guy like Jay Halstead. You knew he could go on, would probably ramble if you let him, so you kissed him again. It was less heated than before, but still firm.

It took a few more minutes to progress past this point, but when it did, you couldn’t help but be nervous. It had taken you seemingly forever to feel like you weren’t broken anymore, to feel whole again. Jay had helped you get to that point, through a lot of pain and frustration and tears. You’d tried to dip your hand down the waistband of his pants, but he’d stopped you.

“We have plenty of time for that,” he said. “I just want you.”

You’d decided to change positions. Again, to show yourself you trusted him, you lay on your back, pulling him on top of you. It made you nervous for all of three seconds before he kissed you, those nerves and fears washing away quickly.

He took his time, assuring you and reassuring you that the two of you had all the time in the world, that there was no reason to rush this. He turned you into a hot mess, practically begging for more. And he delivered, taking his time, making sure you were okay, which usually just got a ‘shut up and kiss me’ as a reply.

Afterwards, your head rested on his chest, his fingers running softly along your back. You couldn’t help but smile, hearing his heartbeat under you, feeling him breathe. The two of you were slick with sweat, sheets tangled around your ankles and waist.

“I love you,” you told him, kissing a trail on his chest with no rhyme or reason before kissing him. “No matter what.”

“I love you too. Let’s go ahead and sleep. We can talk in the morning.” You couldn’t agree more.

———-

Some days, it felt like it had all happened yesterday, that you had just been getting ready in the locker room with Jay right behind you. Other days, it seemed like a different lifetime. Most of the time, it was the latter. But this day was different. It had been an entire year.

You’d grown as a person and as a detective in that year. You weren’t scared of turning the corner or entering a dark room. You’d been more hesitant at first when it came to being undercover, but Mouse had always made sure to give you something with a GPS tracker, just in case. It made you feel safer.

You’d requested the day off, as well as Jay, Voight not arguing the issue. You figured he probably understood. You didn’t want to leave the house, wanted to just spend the entire day curled up in bed with Jay with the occasional pizza delivery. And that’s exactly what you did.

He was pressed against your back, holding you close to him. Your hand grabbed his, moving it to the scars on your stomach. They were your constant reminder, though, you’d learned to block them out for the most part. It was as if he knew what you were asking, unable to say it, his calloused fingers tracing the letters.

“You’re not what he did to you,” he reminded you, whispering it in your ear. You couldn’t help but smile a little bit, but not saying anything.

“When I was there. When he was choking me with the chains and I thought I was going to die…” You didn’t know if you should even tell him, but you were already halfway there. It was just finding the right words.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he reminded you. It had been an agreement one of the times he’d come with you to see Dr Charles that he never wanted you to feel obligated to tell him what happened in that warehouse. He could piece enough together to figure it out himself.

“I want to. When I thought I was going to die, it wasn’t my life flashing before my eyes. Or maybe it was, just in a different way. The only thing I could think of, that came to mind, was you, Jay,” you told him. “I was so upset that I wouldn’t be able to be there to tell you it wasn’t your fault, because I knew you’d blame yourself. I saw a future we’d never have. I saw your face and your smile and I heard your laugh. And of all the things I could see in those final moments, I was so happy it was you. But...I know you heard me begging to die. I was in so much pain, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to die when I begged, but when it was happening, all I wanted was to live. I wanted to see you again, so badly, for you to tell me it was all going to be okay.” You noticed wetness dripping onto your neck, rolling over to see his eyes rimmed red.

This day wasn’t just about you. He suffered that day too. It had just taken you a long time to be able to see that. You’d been so focused on your own pain that you ignored his. You cupped his cheek, not saying anything.

“Mouse had me listen to that audio. He hadn’t let me listen to much else, but that moment…” He sniffled. “I’m just glad you’re okay, and here with me. I love you.”

You didn’t know what you would have done without him over the past year. He had really been your rock, your guiding light. You loved Jay Halstead more than life itself, it seemed like, and you would make sure to let him know every day for the rest of your life.

#jay halstead #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x reader #whump #fanfiction

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rhub4rb · 5 years

Text

Of Birds and Bugs

Prologue

-_-_-_-

It was all Jagged’s fault, really.

Though did that mean Marinette should thank him?

It had been a normal day. It was after school, and Marinette was spending this rare piece of spare time working, trying to find the perfect destination for a surprise class trip that she was helping Mme. Bustier to arrange.

It was more difficult than Marinette had expected it to be. The budget was tighter than Marinette had hoped, and there was only so few places that would keep all of her classmates interested. Marinette knew that she didn’t necessarily have to try and make the trip good for everyone, but she also knew that Lila would turn it on her and say that Marinette made the trip bad on purpose.

So, Marinette had spent a couple of days brainstorming ideas and possibilities, both nationally and internationally. Different destinations, hotels, events and the like, but they would either be discarded for not being in the budget, or because it would probably not be enjoyed by the class.

Even if her classmates didn’t like her anymore, Marinette was still class president for a reason, and that was for the fact that she was efficient.

Marinette had even spent all night just researching one location, only to trash the idea when dawn broke, realizing that, while the idea was good as a concept, would probably not have been interesting enough for her classmates.

Then, when also counting in the fact that the trip was supposed to be at least somewhat educational as well…

It was safe to say, Marinette was starting to get desperate.

Her biggest fear though, would be to have it all planned and ready to book, just to be thrown to the side because Lila couldn’t come because of whatever stupid lie she would come up with, forcing Marinette to scrap the idea because; If poor Lila couldn’t come, then Marinette wouldn’t mind finding something else, right?

Marinette let out a tired sigh, Tikki patting her on the knee in silent comfort.

The moment of quiet, however, was broken by the ringing of a phone, the ringtone one that made Marinette jump up from her seat to pick up the call, running around her room to find her phone somewhere in the room.

“Penny!” Marinette exclaimed, slightly breathless from her searching, greeted once she answered the call.

“Hello Marinette,” there was clear amusement in the voice of Penny Rolling on the other line. “Jagged was wondering if you could drop by the hotel, there’s something he wants to discuss with you.”

“Now?”

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble.” Penny sounded apologetic, and Marinette was quick to reassure.

“Of course not! I uh- I’ll hurry.”

“I’ll send a car over to pick you up. Take your sketchbook with you.” Penny added, and Marinette was already running around her rom, getting ready.

“Sure thing! See you soon Penny.”

A little break never hurt anyone.

Break might have been a generous word for what she was about to do.

The moment Marinette stepped into the hotel room, she was swept up in Jagged Stone’s arms, twirled around for a while before finally being put down, a little dizzy.

“Mari! You are just the rocking girl I need right now.” Jagged exclaimed. “There’s going to be this super rocking charity gala meant to support young creative souls like yours here in Paris next week, and I want you to design my suit for it.”

It took a second for Marinette to understand what Jagged had said, her eyes widening once realization hit her.

“R-really? Are you sure?”

Marinette had designed a couple of things for Jagged over the last few years, all the way from album covers and posters to performance outfits.

This time was different though, because if Marinette was right about what gala he was talking about, then there was a chance that he would be asked about who designed his suit, which meant that he would be stating on international television that Marinette had designed it for him.

Sure, Marinette had been mentioned in a few magazines from time to time, but this was on a whole other level.

“Of course, I’m sure! No one gets my rocking style like you do Mari.” Jagged said. “Which brings me to the next topic.”

Jagged propped his booted feet up on the coffee table, his arms crossed behind his head.

“I’m allowed to invite one or two people to come with me to the event, and I was wondering if you would like to go with me and Penny.”

“I-I- that would be amazing!” Marinette yelled out in excitement. “I would love to!”

“Awesome! Penny is gonna contact your teacher about getting you free from school a little earlier so you can focus on this, alright?”

Marinette just nodded hurriedly, getting out her sketchbook and started asking questions, if there was anything in particular that he wanted.

“I just want the suit to be me, you know? None of that fancy crap, I want it to be Rock n’ Roll!”

Marinette had to pause for a moment to try and figure out which route to go with for the design. Despite Jagged being adamant that the suit could not be fancy, he was still going to attend a high-end gala.

An idea suddenly struck, and Marinette started sketching furiously, until she had a rough sketch of an idea she liked, showing it to Jagged.

Jagged’s eyes lit up, and with a few pointers here and there, Marinette was able to come up with a design that she was happy with.

“We’ll pay for whatever fabrics you need; you just focus on making that rocking suit for me, and of course a lovely dress for you.”

After that, the next couple of days were a bit of a blur for Marinette.

Between school, trying to make that trip a reality, and finishing Jagged’s and her own clothes for the gala, Marinette had been so busy that she hardly even paid Lila any mind.

She didn’t even realize that Lila planned a party to be thrown the exact same day as the gala took place, or that she wasn’t even invited, her focus was solely on finishing Jagged’s suit on time.

Still, when the gala finally came, Marinette was not prepared for the amount of paparazzi that would be present outside of the gala.

Because of the amount of celebrities that would be present, no one outside of those invited were allowed in, making the place outside cramped as reporters tried to get a look at the various important people who would be present.

Penny, noticing Marinette’s discomfort by the number of reporters, tried to calm her down a bit.

“It’s going to be fine Marinette, both you and Jagged look wonderful tonight.”

“Yeah, my little Rockstar! You have nothing to be worried about.” Jagged tried to reassure.

“It’s not that. It’s just-“ Marinette thought about her classmates, about how Lila would lie and manipulate the situation, about the accusations of why she didn’t tell them about it. “Do you think I could get in another way?”

Marinette focused in her lap, not seeing the concerned glance that the two adults shared.

“Of course, I’ll go with you.” Penny said, and once Jagged Stone got out of the car and was flocked by various paparazzi, all of which held back by bodyguards. Penny instructed the chauffer to drive a little further ahead, where she and Marinette got out, and went in through another door.

Jagged was asked a wave of questions, from his latest album, to his next tour and, of course, who designed his suit for the evening.

The pants were a deep purple, with studs going along the hem and up his legs. The jacket was made of leather, but designed like a normal suit jacket, studs covering the lapels. His button up shirt was made of black, see-through lace, and he wore black lace gloves to go with, these not being fingerless like his usual ones. Marinette had said they looked more sophisticated.

The button up shirt wasn’t buttoned all the way up, and his boots were a little high, the heels being covered in a purple metal.

“This rocking outfit was designed by my favorite creative soul here in Paris, a girl named Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

As the paparazzi asked more questions and Jagged slowly, but finally, made his way inside, another rich person came to walk the carpet to get in, and got swamped by all of the paparazzi.

Penny and Marinette spent the time talking to one another while waiting for Jagged to get inside, a few people throwing curious glances at Marinette as they didn’t recognize her.

Penny was concerned, however. She had noticed over the week how Marinette avoided certain topics or would divert a conversation once it went to talk about her classmates.

Penny knew that Jagged had noticed it too, and if they were the reason Marinette was worried about walking down the carpet with Jagged, then they had to do something about it.

“So…” Penny started. “How is it going with school?”

“It’s going well, my grades are doing pretty good despite my occasional absences but-“ Penny cut Marinette off.

“I meant your classmates. How is it going with your classmates?” She tried.

Marinette looked down.

She had guessed that it was going to be brought up eventually, she had just hoped that it would have been later. She sighed.

“It’s… kind of complicated-“ Marinette was cut off once again, but this time by an excited Jagged Stone who just got inside.

Marinette, seeing this as an opportunity to avoid the most likely awkward conversation that was about to happen between Penny and her, looked up at Jagged with a smile as he slung his arm over her shoulder.

“You are going to be so busy from now on Marinette, I’ve already had so many people come up to me and ask for your contact information. Be prepared for an onslaught of emails in the future.”

And just like that, the conversation about classmates was forgotten in favor of mingling with the rich and famous. Marinette was introduced to a series of people, her email was shared, and for once, she seemed to smile just a little brighter than before.

Marinette was at the refreshment table when Jagged walked up to her, with a tall, muscular looking businessman.

“Mari! I’ve gotta introduce you to this rocking fellow. This is Bruce Wayne, one of the few good rich folks you’ll meet.”

Bruce seemed slightly startled by that description but smiled none the less to Marinette.

“It’s nice to meet you miss…”

“Oh! Uh- Marinette! Marinette Dupain-Cheng, sir.” Marinette hurried.

“Mari here is my favorite little designer. We’ve been working together since she was 14.” Jagged said proudly. “When I got invited to this fancy gala thing, I knew only Marinette could make me something to absolutely rock tonight.”

Bruce’s eyes widened in surprise, and he looked Jagged over, assessing the overall design and quality.

“You made this? The quality looks incredible.” He looked at her. “And I’m going to guess you made your jumpsuit as well?”

Marinette stammered, before quickly nodding her head.

While working on Jagged’s suit, Marinette had to make her own outfit as well.

She was originally going to just make a dress, but then she flipped through her sketchbook and found the design for the jumpsuit, and immediately started working on that.

The jumpsuit itself was deep red, accentuating her long legs, and with the kitty heels she was wearing, made her look slightly taller. It was sleeveless, and the top had sharp edges, making a small angular dip at her chest. Marinette had wanted to give a nod towards Jagged with her design, seeing as it was because of him that she could even be there, so she added a floor length (foe) leather skirt, cut down at the front to reveal her legs, and lined with a deep red on the inside.

“I was just glad that Jagged wanted me to design this for him.” Marinette said meekly, tugging at her braided side-ponytail.

“No need to be so humble, Mari! Of course, I wanted you to do this!” Jagged looked at Bruce, eyes wide and full of stars, almost like a proud parent. “Mari is such a talented girl, and she won’t even brag about it! But, that’s why I’m here.”

Jagged proceeded to tell Bruce about Marinette’s long list of accomplishments, from the various contests she had won, to all the things she had designed for him and Clara Nightingale, to how she had been class president for the last three years.

Marinette was slowly curling in on herself, her shoulders rising, her head sinking, trying to disappear from that very moment.

Bruce, seeming to take pity on the girl, decided to cut in on Jagged’s ramble about his talented “niece”.

“What sort of duties do you have as class president?” Bruce asked.

Marinette, straightening after finally being addressed, pondered the question for a moment.

“I’m often mediator in conflicts that pop up in the class and I arrange a couple of class trips.” She said. “I’m trying to figure out a longer trip away from the school, but the budget is pretty limited, so it’s hard to find something that goes under all of the requirements, not to mention interesting enough to for the rest of class.” Marinette frowned, thinking about all of the places she had considered, but ultimately not going with.

“I’m hoping to have found something by the end of the month but…” Marinette shrugged.

Bruce nodded in understanding, a plan already forming in his mind.

-_-_-_-

I hope that was good! I plan on posting this every other week, with MJM being posted the other weeks

@ozmav I hope you enjoyed this long prologue

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thehuns-bubble-tea · 4 years

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So guess who finally wrote the SaiZon essay I promised months ago! @there-is-a-carrot-in-my-ear’s post was the last bit of encouragement I needed so thanks for that lol.

I am going to go episode by episode to talk about all the SaiZon scenes. I am using the official LineTV episodes and some of the translations are a bit weird so I will have to occasionally make assumptions with the dialogue, sorry in advance for that. If I happen to assume wrong or make stretch conclusions forgive me for I only have one brain cell and it’s currently bouncing around my head like a window’s screensaver. I am also going to mention some of the behind the scenes episodes so if you haven’t seen those you might be slightly confused, but I don’t have international links for them so I apologize! Also this ended up being 18 pages long- I AM SORRY.

So let’s start with part one of episode one shall we? The beginning starts off weird as hell, honestly I had forgotten how crack this show was after the last few episodes were so- normal? Anyway we are dropped off in Zon’s dream(???) where he sees Tutor and Fighter being cute, and then an absolute precious Saifah- except it is really weird to start off here. This dream doesn’t seem to belong at the beginning because nothing that sets up this dream has happened yet, which I only realized as I rewatched it. Zon doesn’t know about Tutor and Fighter’s relationship until episode 11 and he doesn’t actually know Saifah yet, so to have Zon have this dream as the literal introduction to the show is a bit of either foreshadowing or referencing the idea that this whole show is a dream/Zol’s novel which I think is quite interesting. I don’t have much else to say about this besides I am incredibly impressed with how well this scene garners interest- it’s like I’m watching for the first time again and I /need/ to understand what is going on. Also the animated Zon freaking out about Saifah getting too close? Mood.

There was no SaiZon part in part two so moving on to part three of episode one! This part starts off with Saifah playing the guitar surrounded by a bunch of girls and Zon walking up from behind, seeing him. As much as I would like to say “love at first sight” this is definitely not that- in fact Zon straight up tells the girls they don’t like each other. Which is fair honestly, these two at the beginning don’t seem to have anything in common. Saifah is an engineering student while Zon is a english(literature???) student so they wouldn’t be able to get close through classes and they don’t seem to share many face value interests (Sai with guitar and soccer, Zon with writing and generally “nerdy” stuff) so it would be easy for them both to write each other off. Definitely not a “I hate him” but more of a “I don’t know him and I don’t want to” kinda situation where unless outside forces brought them together they wouldn’t have even considered entering each other’s lives. So shout out to Tutor and Soda for being mvps! This part also gives us the iconic moment of Zon literally standing on a table to fight Saifah and like??? Hello??? The tension already here is so much- but here’s the thing! Why R U has set up their relationship to be that of “enemies” up to this point, so when you first watch it you’re like “hm Sai is trying to get a rise out of Zon because he thinks it is funny because they hate each other” but what Sai says isn’t necessarily mean. Yes Sai does tease Zon about being bad at everything, but after that he just flutters his eyelashes, calls himself cute, and does that cute little smile up at Zon. There is no real hurt behind his words, if that makes sense? It is very much a teasing jeer at Zon to get a reaction, and the second Zon stands on the table Sai smiles and seems to take pride at the action. He isn’t doing it out of hatred or evil, but more like the joy of seeing Zon riled up. Sai blames his actions on disliking Zon because of reasons they’re currently only alluding to but like- bro get over it? There’s no reason for Sai to act like that if that was his only motive so I call his bluff, he has to already be somewhat interested in Zon. Even if it’s not a crush yet he definitely enjoys Zon’s reactions enough to keep pressing buttons.

Finally the end of episode one with part four. Finally! The, also iconic, punch to kiss scene! Sai is smooching the girl Zon is pursuing, it’s upsetting for Zon and Sai is kinda rude about it- then WHAM. Zon, the absolute unit that he is, just fucking decks Saifah. When I tell you I screamed- This is especially important because the thing that finally makes Zon snap is Saifah’s “no one can like you” comment which is so hurtful and man he’s gonna eat his words you can just /feel/ it already. And the punch is completely valid because what Sai did was shitty and honestly Zon had every right to be mad so great moment 10/10. Then we have Sai try to retaliate and first off he misses like a huge dork and then he kinda trips into Zon which leads to them accidentally kissing. Logistically I don’t know how this happened, but who am I to complain? This is of course also Sai’s first experience with a Zontm reaction and that I think is what causes the shift in Saifah’s head. After that huge exposition piece we have Zon dreaming about Saifah in his bed talking about them being together. All I’m gonna say is- is it gay to dream about your not bro wanting to kiss you? The answer is probably yes.

No SaiZon for parts one or two of episode two, but part three gives us a bit to cover! First off- the elevator line scene where Saifah literally stares at Zon with the absolute best puppy eyes and lovesick smile is peak cuteness, like?? Hello??? This is the perfect example of what I mean when I say SaiZon were never enemies- like I can’t imagine hating someone and then letting them shoulder bump me with a “hi”. That’s not how enemies act, this is more of a “well we haven’t always gotten along but I’m willing to move on, here let’s try again” type of situation and it’s fucking adorable. Sai seems confident in his own teasing way and Zon is confused as heck, which is so valid. Mind you this is also several months after their accidental kiss so any hot blooded emotions surrounding them has definitely dissipated which means there is now room for them to grow and initiate a friendship, which is what I assume Sai is trying to do. This is also the first time we get “my Zon” and I swear everytime I hear it I astral project into another dimension, so there’s that. Also Sai fulling embracing the fact that these girls ship them is peak bi confidence (I read Saifah as a bi character don’t @ me lmao), that I can only wish to have. Like Sai seems to already genuinely like being around Zon, lightly teasing. I say this because nothing he said was a dig at Zon harshly but more like something I would say about my friends to get them to give me a funny reaction and he gets exactly that. Zon gives him a reaction and then as soon as he’s gone Sai has this very pleased smile on his face. It really feels like Saifah has already decided that he wants to have some sort of relationship with Zon, at this point I wouldn’t call it a crush yet but more like a casual friendship. Then we have Zon daydreaming about Sai asking him to be partners for the music competition thing and again I’m going to ask- is it gay to daydream about your not bro pouting and wanting to be partners? The answer is probably yes.

Part four of episode two gave us no SaiZon so we move on to part one of episode three! We get a tiny bit of animated Sai talking about flirting with Zon, Zon freaking out you know- the usual. But then we get the stair scene that haunts me. Sai has committed to calling Zon “my Zon” already and I am here for it. His fucking smile after he says it too- boy is enjoying himself. The two fight over whether or not Zon will play with Sai or not and progressively lean into each other’s spaces as they bicker back and forth. Which is valid- Zon doesn’t even know how to play and then to be asked to play with someone he doesn’t really know or get along with, I’d say no too. Anyway Tutor breaks them up drags Sai to class, but not before Sai can say goodbye to “N’Zon” which just really threw me and Zon to be honest. I love that Sai is fully committed to these nicknames and I love how flustered Zon gets because of them- they’re already starting to fall into an ease with each other. Quick note here Saifah tells Tutor that he likes teasing Zon because it makes him happy, which is kinda cute? We see Sai play around with Tor and Day a bit but the way he is with them is vastly different then when he’s with Zon. Again I wouldn’t quite call it a crush yet- but we’re getting there. For now it seems more like an enamoured fascination with this dork of a human. (also real quick side note but I love Soda and would gladly let her step on me--)

Part two of episode three gives us yet another iconic scene- I have dubbed it the gay painc shower scene for obvious reasons. First of all, props to Zon for even grabbing Sai’s towel for him. Like they might not be close, and Sai might tease Zon relentlessly, but Zon is a genuinely good person and I really like that about his character. He doesn’t even hesitate to ask “which one” so he can do that for Sai. But of course Sai has to be a little brat and try to pull Zon into the shower stall with him, causing Zon’s first almost heart attack. Then he crowds Zon up against the wall with the most sensual look and teases him by attempting to remove his towel, giving Zon almost heart attack number two- Sai is seriously a brat and I love it. The funniest part is that this, from my experience at least, is common locker room teasing which Zon clearly wouldn’t know since he’s not in the soccer club- so having Sai do this to him is clearly a point where Zon’s single working braincell goes into gay panic and just short circuits his system and once again that’s valid. Zon tells Sai no matter what he won’t play with him, man these two eat their own words a lot huh, and Sai tells him it’s really up to him. Also side note here I know Junior did this in hopes of getting Sai to convince Zon to do the talent show thingy but I fully head cannon that Junior realizes there’s /something/ going on between them and forced them into this position, do with that what you will. There is also behind the scene footage of this scene (I can’t find an international link to this specific one rip) but it shows Jimmy and Tommy fake biting each other’s fingers and it’s so cute and weird- anyway all this to say I think this is where we start to see a shift in Saifah’s attitude. He’s the one who mentions being partners, mentions kissing, and Zon being a shy Korean drama lead- he’s a huge romantic so this is where he steps up a bit more. Instead of being just a tease in the way Zon acts it is now a tease about them together, being together, testing waters almost. It’s a huge shift if you really think about it, the only thing that stays constant is Zon’s flustered reactions.

Part three of episode three once again delivers with panic gay Zon being a fucking dork. This is where we get that ridiculous moment in the bathroom when Zon thinks two dude are doing the do in a stall and presses Saifah into a wall, you know casually. This scene is so weird and just ??? why??? Saifah takes in all in stride though, this kid is seriously getting whipped quick and I relate. Zon just has such chaotic energy that it’s hard not to play along, no matter how mortifyingly embarrassing he is. Also can we talk about how every time Zon leaves an interaction with Saifah, Sai gets the biggest smile? Like that is so precious I can’t handle it, boy is WHIPPED and doesn’t even know it yet!

Part four gives us a little bit of SaiZon. Zon is distracted by his text conversation (this is not translated so I have no clue what’s being said or who he’s talking to rip) when Saifah comes up behind him. This looks so domestic- like you don’t just do that to someone you barely know, right? Also the fact that Sai can lean over Zon so far when Zon is just sitting is stressful to me. Who gave him the right to be /that/ tall? Anyway Zon goes to stand and Saifah scares him, causing him to trip backwards and have the first of many time where Sai holds Zon up and it’s romantic as heck- They both instantly know where to hold each other, and then gaze at each other’s faces I just ??? I’m short circuiting honestly. This is also the first indication to me that Sai is developing some form of feelings because he keeps looking at Zon’s eyes and lips, and that’s valid. Of course Zon ruins the mood by pushing him away but they both look hurt this time. Sai looks hurt even asking if Zon’s serious about not playing together and it’s the first time we see Sai be any bit vulnerable. He seems to genuinely hurt by the idea and it makes Zon shuffle a bit before leaving. Even when he’s gone Sai looks upset and even comments on how Zon falls easily- which is really cute. This is our first glimpse at the Saifah that seems a bit more like the hopeless romantic we get towards the end of the series, a stark contrast to the overly confident perfect boy persona he uses around the campus.

No SaiZon in part four of episode three or part one of four so on to part two- We get the music partner reveal! And to Zon’s credit he doesn’t immediately turn around and leave. Instead he is actually committed to this and Sai, to his credit, doesn’t make him feel weird. They take the fan page photos and they’re both clearly out of their element here, they’re shy and awkward and it’s precious. They’re both coming to this realization that they’re really doing this- being partners and committing to each other basically. They both seem determined but also terrified of what that means. I love it- because this isn’t about them just yet but more of their shared responsibility to Soda now that they both can’t back down. It’s a good foundation because right now they’re on equal footing, neither really has the upper hand. Soda, my queen, to her credit is trying to get them to see that their arguing isn’t going to help anyone here and it’s a fair point. They’re going to be stuck together for two months (why was I under the impression this whole time it was much longer?) and they both agree to at least attempt. I love how genuinely awkward these scenes are because like I’ve said before they were never enemies but also never friends, they don’t know much about each other yet so it’s weird. What do they talk about, what are their boundaries, they don’t know and I love it. It is the perfect foundation for a fresh start for both of them to learn about each other and build a strong bond. We get a bit of Sai trying to teach Zon guitar strings and it’s a nice moment. They’re both getting comfortable with the other and then Sai plays the love song for Zon- you think Zon’s going to be set off by the moment but instead he teases Sai! He confidently both compliments Saifah and teases, it’s growth! Then Saifah settles to help Zon learn to strum, a moment where they’re very intimately pressed together and have an almost kiss. This is the first time they do the lip bite thing that I noticed they do when they think about kissing the other- and this is the first time that I think they realize their feelings aren’t just basic acquaintances. For Zon he feels something but he is also hung up on the idea that this is all Zol’s book. He is scared because he doesn’t know if these moments, these feelings are real or not. For Saifah I think he is really starting to understand how he feels for Zon, but thinks that Zon doesn’t and will not feel the same. But Sai isn’t the type to push so he just lets it go for now. Then we get the cute montage of them getting closer and teasing in more of a friendly way- again this is just solidifying in our minds and theirs that there is something growing between them. Right now it’s just a natural friendship, but is also hinting at more deep feelings. This is the part that I love the most about SaiZon- this was never a love at first sight relationship, it is one born out of something incredibly natural. They grow into each other and themselves. We start to see Saifah get more comfortable with his dorky side, and Zon gets more confident in himself because of their time together. It’s a breath of fresh air how easily they settle into the other’s presence. And of course we also get the gay pining bed scene and I, for the third time shall ask is it gay to daydream about your new bro laying in bed with you? The answer is probably yes.

Part three of episode four gives us the iconic guitar pick date (yes I understand I keep saying iconic but with SaiZon what isn’t?). This entire scene is just the cutest thing? They fall into each other so easily and they seem to have tons of fun goofing off. It reminds me of my friends and I going to shopping centers just to window shop and be together. It’s so incredibly natural and shows that they’re becoming so much closer then what they started out as. Nothing is over the top or unrealistic, instead it’s effortless and an absolute joy to witness. There’s even a deleted scene where two girls come up to ask for a photo (which is weird but whatever) and Zon gets so lost in his head about how close Saifah is- it really is a defining moment in my mind that Zon is torn. Torn between believing that his feelings are real and that this is all just being a dream from Zol’s novel. I kinda wish this scene hadn’t been deleted because it takes away from Zon’s internal struggle. When they have their little heart to heart and Zon admits that Sai is actually a good person my soul leaves my body. It is so cute and demonstrates that these two have started to grow past their initial judgements of each other and more into learning the intricacies of the other. Anyway it’s cute and I love them, moving on.

Now on to part four of episode four. This gives us the scene that fully convinces me that Saifah is just a big softly. Sai walks into the practice room to see a mess and Zon is asleep on the floor. Instead of being a brat and waking him up, Sai quietly goes around and cleans everything up because he is peak soft boy he just won’t admit it. When he does accidentally wake Zon they’re both just absolute cuties- the way Sai’s face falls when Zon said he was just kidding about wanting to wait for him- my boy is WHIPPED. But here’s the thing, and I’ll come back to this point in a bit but, the way Sai never pushes Zon on anything. It’s clear that Sai is really starting to crush on Zon the way he treats him and acts but any time Zon pulls away Sai just lets him. That’s so refreshing, especially in contrast to the way TorFight act in parallel to SaiZon. There is never an expectation for Zon to meet Sai’s desires and Sai takes only what Zon is willing to offer, and I appreciate it so much. Anyway their little collective panic when Sai tries to take Zon to his room is hilarious they’re both on such different pages and they really are just dorks. And then we have the typical in the rain sequence- oh my gosh- I love some good classic tropes and this is one of them. Once again we see Saifah just be an absolute romantic, he doesn’t even hesitate to take off his jacket to cover Zon and himself. I just- that’s peak romance for me my dudes. Both me and Sai are whipped and that’s just facts. Then Zon (somehow??) forgets how to stand on two legs and trips yet again and we have another close contact scene, but this time there noses touch and Zon’s reaction isn’t nearly as visceral as it has been- it’s almost like he likes the attention up until his mind thinks it’s too close to a novel and he gets scared.

On to episode five’s part one! Zon is finally in Sai’s room and we get the cute hair drying scene that Zon doesn’t appreciate as much as I do- anyway Zon is freaking out and Saifah doesn’t fully understand what he’s babbling on about but still gets his chance to tease. It is once again cute and effortless, I crave more of this (SaiZon special episode I’m looking at you). Sai is getting a bit more confident with his advances but always pulls back the moment Zon freaks, it’s completely them. And then we get them waking up in each other’s arms, the screaming, Zon being an absolute moron. This is why these two are /the/ couple for me. Like no one else could pull this scene off nearly as well as them, it’s great. Also Saifah pulling a 2Moons2 Kit and just yeeting Zon off the bed? Iconic, that’s it that’s the analysis.

Part two of episode five has a moment that’s not a SaiZon scene but I do feel like it’s important in their relationship- Zol tells (well lies but Zon doesn’t know that-) about changing the story after their promise/wish/curse. This is the point where Zon can finally take what he has been experiencing and feeling in for the first time with a clear head. It’s no longer “possibly” influenced by supernatural forces because of Zol. This is when Zon decides “oh this is real, these feelings are real”, and you can tell that the way Zon acts around Saifah is considerably more calm and open to Saifah’s advantages to a point. Occasionally he still talks about it everything being similar to a fiction but he isn’t held back by it nearly as much. Then we get SaiZon practicing in the music room again and being interrupted by Natee and Junior, they kinda make Zon nervous about the show- until Saifah steps in. He confidently tells Zon he believes in him and that he will be there for him and I just- oh my god?? That’s so soft and I swear Saifah is the biggest soft boy ever who is willing to do anything to lift Zon up and that’s precious. They really are slowly starting to get on the same page.

Moving on to episode six part two (this is where we start to see less SaiZon due to the pandemic limiting their filming time)! This episode gives us Zon asking Sai on a guitar buying date. And lemme tell you the way these two act? WHIPPED. They both get so shy and tease the other the perfect amount, they really have grown into each other in ways I don’t think any of us expected. The cute little happy dance they do when they agree and hang up? Boyfriends, just like ??? hello??? Mind you they agree to go the Saturday before the show so they have now spent almost the full two months together- I can’t even believe it. They have had this relationship grow for two months and we’ve only been able to see glimpses, just imagine what we don’t get to see! Anyway we see Saifah being peak baby all bundled up sharing headphones with Zon- which is like peak romance for me I won’t even apologize. And then the pure excitement Saifah has when Zon suggests he stays over at Saifah’s- WHIPPED. He even suggests that there might be something between them when Zon questions their closeness, but the moment Zon wants to change the subject Sai follows his lead, like I’ve mentioned before Sai is not one to ever push Zon for more because he respects Zon so much.

Part three of episode six gives us the rooftop scene! The lingering looks! “The stars are beautiful.”, “It is beautiful-” as Saifah looks at Zon with those soft eyes! THE GAYS ARE PINING. And then them playing together. I am crying??? I can’t even form sentences, I can’t analyze, I just am going to sit here for a moment and think about how this romance is goals. That’s it.

Part four is full of SaiZon just being huge teases. Saifah confidently pulls Zon into him, asking if Zon is afraid of falling in love with him and I just- the way Zon looks at Sai? He’s already in love, and no I don’t take criticism. That’s it, that’s the analysis.

Part one of episode seven is the scene that made me want to write this essay- we have Zon and Saifah in the most intimate scene yet for them. It really is just a back and forth between them that is simple and wholly them. And then it shifts- Zon is looking at Saifah so softly, and is easily going along with what Saifah is doing with no hang ups. Saifah is looking up at Zon like he’s hung the stars and it’s the perfect moment. “You’re being so obedient, be like this more often. I like it”, “I like it too”, even the music is just perfect, but right at the last second Zon looks away. “I didn’t mean I like you.” and Saifah clearly looks disappointed, everything leading up to this was pointing in this direction and it didn’t happen. Saifah very clearly has feelings, he isn’t even trying to be subtle anymore, but not once does Saifah push for more. He backs off and settles down into a level that matches Zon’s comfort zone, because he cares about Zon’s comfort more than his own feelings. They have a moment for the comfort to level out once again and then they’re back to their usual selves. They’re back onto an equal field where they’re both just being themselves together- and they have another almost kiss that Sai does try to play off. Zon is still a bit spooked but it is still another testament to Saifah’s respect of Zon’s boundaries. This is where yet another deleted scene happens that I desperately wish they kept- it shows Zon fast asleep grab at Saifah until he’s completely draped over him. Saifah holds him, very similarly to a scene we will get to shortly, and the smile on Sai’s face? This boy is so in love but also so careful with Zon’s limitations, that just being able to hold Zon is enough to put him at ease. And we were ROBBED of it. Why R U editors turn on your location, I just wanna talk-

Part two of episode seven gives us the most cursed scene that, like Zon, I wish I could forget. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it but the second hand embarrassment is excruciating so for the sake of my sanity I’m gonna kinda gloss over it? Zon sees Sai’s boner, it causes Zon’s single brain cell to explode, that’s it- MOVING ON. On the bright side it also gives us SaiZon’s first public performance together. I assume this is to hype up the actual show, I don’t really care, all I care about is how earnest Saifah is with Zon. Zon is terrified of performing and Saifah is there to cheer him on. He is willing to let Zon leave if it means Zon will be more comfortable and he genuinely doesn’t want to push Zon into anything. Zon finally calms down enough to agree to stay and sing- and then Saifah starts rubbing his hands to give some comfort. The dialogue in this scene will forever go down as one of my favorite exchanges ever- “Are you okay with having me beside you?” SAIFAH HONEY. This one sentence holds everything in it. Is it okay that Saifah tried to kiss him? Is it okay that he got turned on? Is it okay that Saifah clearly has some sort of feelings for Zon? AND ZON SAYS YES. I just, I will never recover. It’s a very cute moment that they share, a sort of understanding that they share now that doesn’t really change what they have already, just gives some clarity to their current situation. And then the performance they give? It’s wonderful. What more can I say?

And now we’re getting to the good stuff- episode eight, part one. Sai is able to sneak read a bit of Zon’s writing, Sai trying to make himself look not suspicious is so funny, but the absolute angle Zon lets him get away with it. Then they have a cute back and forth about Sai wanting to sleep over at Zon’s place, it’s precious and shows that since the last time Zon seems a bit more comfortable with the obvious flirting and even does some himself. “Otherwise I’ll kiss you.” Saifah being bold as fuck and Zon not running away? That’s what we call growth! Then when Saifah is actually at Zon’s home and they’re telling his parents about the music show they are in full support, Zon’s mother and Saifah both teasing him about his name’s meaning. It’s light hearted and fun and I appreciate how cool Zon’s parents seem to be with their son’s and Saifah’s relationship (thus far). But them being so okay with his joining the music show compared to how unsupportive about his writing hurts, both me and Zon. When they’re in his room Zon is visibly upset with how his parents have handled his passions and Saifah is doing his best to cheer him up. Giving him some comfort, and this is where he admits to reading a few chapters of Zon’s fiction and Zon looks shattered. He is so afraid it’s bad because no one will support him, encourage him until Saifah tells him he actually liked it. That if he wants to keep writing he can count on Saifah to read it and it’s so touching because Zon finally has someone who believes in him. They have this really longing moment of just staring into each other’s eyes and it’s so soft and just full of pining. EXCEPT once again there’s a deleted scene we were ROBBED of. (Why R U’s editing team is out to hurt me apparently) In the deleted scene there was supposed to be a kiss to end the longing stares, this would be their first real kiss. And as much as I would have /loved/ that I can understand wanting the other scene being /the/ moment, but it doesn’t make me wish this scene hadn’t been cut any less.

The next three parts of episode eight I’m going to talk about in one piece because it is basically one long scene that’s just cut into parts. (Part 2, Part 3, Part 4) We have finally gotten to /the/ moment they’ve been leading up to this entire show, the music performance. When we start Zon is asleep and Saifah has arrived with food, trying to wake him up and only successful when he manages to kinda kiss Zon. They bicker a bit in their normal way, Zon whines about wanting an egg and Saifah gives his up happily. It's freaking adorable and the quality content I signed up for. Soda puts them in their performance outfits. They have a weird little fashion show that just makes me love Tommy and Jimmy with all my heart, you know the usual. And then the time gets closer to their performance- Zon is, rightfully, nervous and is having a little breakdown in front of Saifah who is trying his absolute best to calm him down. It’s a touching scene because you can tell that Sai doesn’t really know what to do to help but is seriously trying, and then Zon asks for some encouragement. Saifah wrapping his arms around Zon and hugging him is a scene that I will never recover from. Saifah is so confident in Zon’s skills and very clearly wants to perform with Zon that he’s willing to just hold the nervous kid in his arms until he calms down. It’s really touching and romantic and just perfect. It does the trick and they’re able to perform without a hitch. (I would like to say at this point I have been working on this essay for two days and have decided to throw alcohol into the mix so if I start going off the rails- whoops?) The actual concert is super lovely, like Tommy can sing don’t even @ me because I could listen to these two sing and nothing else and I would be completely happy with that, and when they go to do their thank you speeches my heart swells. Hearing Zon heartfully thank Saifah for doing this with him and then to hear Saifah ask every one to cheer for “my zon” one more time, it’s the pinnacle of romance. I don’t even think that they know how it looks to an outside viewer because they’re so lost in their own world. To them this wasn’t about the concert anymore but them proving themselves to each other, something so meaningful to them because without this moment being the huge lead up they would never have been anything more than people who shared mutual friends and “hated” each other. Without this concert neither would have taken steps to bring them closer, to this peak. And that is exactly what the concert is, it’s their peak because it’s the tipping point for their relationship. Any hesitation from either at this point would break it all down. And so when the two of them head backstage and they have this magical moment- this is it. Zon is complaining about the strings hurting his fingers so Sai softly blows on them to soothe the pain, it’s simple, quiet, and breathtaking. “Why are you so nice to me?” It's such a simple question, Zon’s eyes are filled with stars and he might not thinking that he’s going to get a good answer. “Because you already have my heart.” That’s it. Nothing Saifah could have said would top this. It leaves no questions, this is it for Saifah- he is throwing in everything at this moment and Zon just stares at him. He doesn’t flinch at the kiss Saifah leaves on his forehead, instead he puts his hands on Saifah’s cheeks and pulls him closer so he can kiss his nose. It’s not words that either need now because they just understand. They’ve taken the chance and it’s real now. Them just brushing noses in comfort is enough, but then they go all out. They /finally/ have their first /real/ kiss and it’s a culmination of everything they’ve been through and felt up until this point. I’m sure everyone has seen the behind the scenes clip of the pd calling them out for not following the script. Supposedly it wasn’t supposed to be so passionate but more of a quick peck, but this- what they gave us was nothing short of perfection. This kiss is a solidifier for everyone, especially Zon who has struggled internally this whole time about whether this is real or not. This is a confirmation that Zon’s feelings, now I might be reading a bit too into it/self projecting onto Zon, are valid. Zon and Saifah, as far as we know (I haven’t read the novel either btw), are presumably perceived as straight hell they may have thought they were straight up until they developed feelings for each other. Saifah develops his feelings confidently, he isn’t ashamed or shy about them. Like everything else in his life he takes it and makes it his own and that is completely valid. But for Zon it is a struggle the whole way through. He’s scared and he overthinks, over analyzes everything, and shys away from Saifah’s advances until now- a common theme found in many unsure/closeted queer kids. And THAT is also valid. They’re both so completely different and yet they fit together in ways that I don’t even think they knew was possible. The way they play off each other, can read the other, knows what to do or say- it’s the perfect amount of them.

Episode nine is purely TorFight and part one of episode ten gives us only crumbs of SaiZon, but they are crumbs I would die for. It’s a couple of minutes of a sleepy Zon being cuddled by Saifah. Nothing fancy, nothing overly sexual, just the domestic bliss of these two holding each other. Once again it’s a testament to how made they are for each other. In any other drama (and I say this with affection to all the other bls I have consumed) this wouldn’t fly- this slow progression isn’t the norm for these types of shows and that’s why it’s so damn refreshing. Saifah in all his suave bad boy persona, is truly just a hopeless romantic that wants to hold his boyfriend in his arms for as long as he wants. Zon for all his shy avoidance of anything romantic, just enjoys having Saifah by his side. There is no one party pushing for more, no one party aggressively making moves that are unwanted. It’s just these two content in taking it slow and basking in the warmth of it,

Again for episode eleven we only get a little bit of SaiZon in part four, but that’s fine. It’s especially fine because it’s like every good sick fic I’ve ever read put into canon. Need I say more? It’s soft and cute, Saifah being a whiny sick baby while Zon takes care of them is peak devastation. I really have nothing to say here except thinking about this scene gives me a hundred and one fic ideas and melts my cold dead heart. Moving on.

Episode twelve has a bit of SaiZon but outside of them being totally whipped and wearing matching outfits to the beach I don’t have anything to say? Like I could just scream about the fact that they’re cute but if you’ve made it this far I would hope you already know that, so I’m gonna carry on to episode thirteen- hope you don’t mind!

The finale- episode thirteen. Once again I’m going to just talk about it as a whole rather than split it up because this episode also follows like one central moment in time rather than having huge time breaks in between. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4) Now we can get into the quintessential moments that define why I think SaiZon is one of the most superior relationships in media I’ve ever consumed. We are thirteen episodes in, we know these characters. They have grown into each other in front of us and this episode shows it in such a poetic way. When Sai and Zon get to their room at the hotel Sai is quick to tease Zon about his “duty” (for future reference if I ever hear someone say duty in reference to sex I might just cry) that night and of course in typical Zon fashion he gets a little antsy. But it doesn’t stop there like it would have earlier, instead Zon uses his nerves to turn the tables. He initiates a kiss with Saifah! Leaving both Saifah and I stunned in the process before teasing and dragging him out for their cute little beach date montage. Now mind you I am gay and love the beach so this shit hits hard for me. Like they’re being your typical love sick characters, Saifah stealing a few cheek kisses to Zon’s surprise, they goof off on a boat(?), they have those dumb couples clothes on- it’s really over the top cute like what else can I say. You want proof love exists? Here you go. Anyway they’re cute, it’s lovely, moving on. They have, I can only imagine this as a very strange double date, dinner with TorFight some bickering happens- again your typical drama moment it’s not too special. Until we get back to the bedroom. Now I have seen a lot of queer media in my life and with that comes your natural tropes (I say tropes fondly because I tend to like most tropes), and that’s what I was expecting. But no, I have never seen anything so purely born out of natural instinct and emotion in my life. Saifah sitting at the edge of the bed strumming a nameless song out of nerves, Zon trying to get his attention in the dorkiest way possible. Once again this is so totally and utterly /them/. I can’t picture anyone doing the way they did, selling that natural awkwardness that comes from your first time with someone you love? Fuck man. Saifah is finally all out of the confidence he normally has, instead he’s avoiding Zon and the prospect of the night by playing the guitar. It makes sense too because this is his first time doing this with someone that he loves, and his first time with a guy which is another added layer of nerves. It’s a lot for both of them, but Zon seems to be actually interested now- finally starting to make moves himself because he knows for a fact Sai isn’t going to push in fear of spooking Zon. And then we get the real moment that really changes everything, “You have music in your heart, don’t you want to have Zon in your heart?” This is it- this is the moment they’ve both been waiting for. Zon already has Saifah’s heart, he has for a while I believe, but this question is what tells Sai that Zon is ready too. They want the same thing, each other. Now we get one of the best build ups I have ever experienced. If you're watching just at face value it might seem a bit strange but every action is deliberate. @spookshowenilorac and I have this running theory that Zon doesn’t close his eyes during some kisses because he is afraid that if he does it will all disappear, it’ll be just a dream from Zol’s fiction (and anytime one of us mentions it I tear up). He’s been so afraid for so long and this moment does feel like it’s out of a dream, it’s overwhelming in passion and over thinking. But the moment Zon accepts it as real it progresses. Mind you, as I’m sure you already know, the tongue in these kisses was not scripted. This is purely Tommy and Jimmy giving this scene and these characters everything they had. It just feels right, after everything these two have been through, and to not have that level of intimacy would have left this scene hollow. The passion and dedication Mii2 gave SaiZon is unparalleled. But that’s not it is it? No, they take it even farther. The promises they make each other? “I promise that I will only have you.” “I’ll give in only to you.” The unscripted tears and voice crack? Nothing can or will top that. I’m sorry but that is /love/. This isn’t based on lust or desire or just purely passion, what Saifah and Zon have is so palpable you can almost feel it. I don’t think any words in our universe can explain the raw emotion that just envelopes this scene in particular. And to know half of it was unscripted and Mii2 just felt like this was what was needed, what the characters would have done is so validating? Just knowing that both Tommy and Jimmy see it too, how this scene needed to play out this way in order for Sai and Zon to have their story complete is unprecedented. Again I wish I had the words to describe it better but I just don’t, so I hope you can understand at least the surface level of what I’m trying to get at here. Anyway let’s move on before I combust by the pure emotions in the bed scene to the next bed scene! This is where Zon and Saifah wake up the morning after, and when I say this is yet again peak devastation I am not kidding. They’re so bright and loving with each other in their typical teasing manner. Saifah steals a cheeky kiss from Zon and demands a kiss on his cheek, of course Zon tries to mess around refusing, then kissing, then refusing when Sai asks for more. It’s light hearted and the emotional levity we all needed. Especially with the dazed look Zon has, I think here is when he fully understands and accepts that Saifah and this feeling isn’t a dream. This is real and his to keep. The passion between them hasn’t died down but their relationship isn’t solely based on it being so aggressive either. They excel in these in between moments, the give and take of both a teasing joke and a desire to be together. It’s not as primal as the love TorFight have, but that doesn’t make either any less valid. It’s the fact that they’re such vastly different relationships that makes me admire this show more. The contrast between the two really highlights that no two relationships are the same, just like no two people are the same and that’s a wonderful message. Moving on from that very domestic scene we get the beach kissing scene (yes I’m skipping a tiny bit because I have nothing to say about SaiZon walking in on TorFight besides gay solidarity baby!). First of all I wanna point out that their outfits are peak gay culture, like I can see @travelersmindpalace and I wearing the exact same outfits during our next beach date and it /hurts/. This is also where I point out that I have a weak spot for height differences and holy shit does SaiZon deliver. The way Zon has to kinda tippy toe to kiss Sai or have Saifah lean down a bit- I’m whipped. They also thank each other for coming into their lives and I had to pause for a good few minutes to have a nice little cry over that. Like??? How??? How are they so pure and sweet after everything- I really can’t fathom it. And they do that soft little nose bump thing before they kiss- my gay heart can really only take so much of this without crying over them. They truly are the pinnacle of relationship goals. I don’t know how else to say that? They really just are so encouraging of each other, the boundaries they set up are respected, there’s never a moment of an imbalance of power, they just have a healthy relationship that’s based on trust and understanding. I hope in the in the future we get more shows depicting a relationship like this.

This was a lot and I am sorry for the word dump?? If you made it this far I love you and I beg you to scream about SaiZon with me- and with that I’m done!

#why r u #saizon #saifahzon #THIS TOOK FOREVER I'M SORRY #this is almost 8000 words of me crying over my love for saizon episode by episode rip #boba!wordcollections #it's 1am I'll deal with the consequences of this when I wake up :3

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