#and my ocd is telling me that I’m a horrible person even though I have never interacted with this band or anything similar | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

butchhamlet · 7 months

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hi :) i don't know if it's really my place to say since i'm not sure if i actually have ocd or not; but as someone who's struggled with a lot of horrible taboo intrusive thoughts, guilt, rumination spirals and possibly trich this summer your ocd hamlet post really resonated with me.

i've been rereading hamlet and hamlet being an ocd sufferer just reframes so much of his acting and his “antic disposition”. to me it feels like he’s putting on masks upon masks upon masks not just because he NEEDS the control (if it’s all an act it means i don’t actually want to hurt anyone right? if i’m pretending to be insane i’m not actually insane?) but also because he’s afraid of being known. like my deepest fear is probably anyone knowing the extent of my intrusive thoughts and the things i feel guilty about and obsess over. so if he says all this nonsense nobody will know what’s happening in his mind—which i guess was probably the original intention anyway, the idea that claudius wouldn’t suspect him of treason if he acted insane, but i think it still fits.

there’s also his first soliloquy, “o, that this too [solid/sullied/sallied] flesh would melt, / thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!” i like the reading of “sullied” because it really highlights that feeling of being contaminated. hamlet feels tainted by the immorality in the danish court, but if we’re going by the ocd reading, he also feels tainted by the horrible intrusive thoughts and obsessions he has (tying in with what you’d said about him having sexual intrusive thoughts rather than um. an o*dipus complex.) the disgust towards the flesh can also be related to physical compulsions like body repetitive behaviours (e.g. skin picking).

this one is a bit “trust me bro” but the “i have of late, but wherefore i know not, lost all my mirth…” line is just. exactly what my experience was. i’ve always had intrusive thoughts, but one afternoon everything just Went Downhill and suddenly i couldn’t stop thinking about it for a couple weeks. i’d be normal for a while before it all started happening again. again, i know in the play he DOES know why he “lost all his mirth”—he saw his father’s ghost—but well.

the famous scene where he yells at ophelia too feels so striking. “get thee to a nunnery. why wouldst thou / be a breeder of sinners?” feels like such a PERSONAL fear of raising a child or being responsible for another life. obviously this isn’t unique to ocd but i imagine for people who have taboo themes (harm ocd, scrupulosity ocd, especially pocd) it’s especially prominent. i feel like the word “sinners” is really important because someone with moral/scrupulosity/religion-related ocd would be very preoccupied about the idea of sinning, and that guilt is something you would never wish on anyone, least of all a child. (HE wouldn't know this, but ocd has genetic factors so even though i don't know if i have it, the possibility of passing this guilt and anxiety on puts me off ever having kids even more).

that ties in to the next lines too: he says, “i am myself indifferent honest, but yet / i could accuse me of such things that it were better my / mother had not borne me. …. what should fellows such as i do / crawling between heaven and earth?” hamlet admits himself he’s “indifferent honest”—rationally he’s probably not the Worst Person In The World Ever—but in the next lines he does seem to consider himself the Worst Person In The World Ever. that kind of all or nothing thinking (small mistakes puts you in the same category as the worst, most morally repugnant criminals) is apparently really common in real event ocd. (https://ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/) hamlet goes on to list everything wrong with him (“i am very proud, revengeful, ambitious…”) which itself feels so much like an intrusive thought. that self-condemnation just feels like he's trying to cover up his anxieties about not being a good person but telling everyone he's not a good person so nobody gets the wrong idea. (he's not an inherently bad person, but he can't possibly convince himself of this because what if he believes that and he starts doing bad things? what if not beating himself up makes him lose control and become even worse? better keep suffering to keep himself in check.)

sorry for clogging up your inbox!! i really wanted to put this out there somewhere but i didn’t want to put it out on my blog since i’ve never really talked about potentially having ocd (? i don’t seem to ALWAYS have it maybe i was just going through a rough patch mid 2023). again i don’t have a diagnosis or anything i’m just going by my own experience and hopefully i’d read enough about it for this to not be way off—though please correct me if i am!! hope you’re having a really nice day, thanks for reading this if you made it all the way through :)

!!! i'm so glad the post resonated with you! honestly, i've gotten some of the sweetest messages about that post from people who saw themselves reflected it in it, which is astonishing to me because i wrote it basically for myself. so it makes me very happy that it means something to you :]

not just because he NEEDS the control (if it’s all an act it means i don’t actually want to hurt anyone right? if i’m pretending to be insane i’m not actually insane?) but also because he’s afraid of being known. like my deepest fear is probably anyone knowing the extent of my intrusive thoughts and the things i feel guilty about and obsess over

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH! i sometimes catch myself having the paranoid thought that people around me can read my mind--i don't actually believe this, but i have a simmering fear of my Worst Thoughts sort of seeping out of me, so reframing hamlet in this light is. ohhhhh man. and sullied really is such a good word for it! the stains! the contamination! miasma theory was right <- JOKE

(also, "if i'm pretending to be insane, i'm not actually insane, right?" is the kind of thought that ocd will chase in CIRCLES, my god.)

i’ve always had intrusive thoughts, but one afternoon everything just Went Downhill and suddenly i couldn’t stop thinking about it for a couple weeks. i’d be normal for a while before it all started happening again

BTW ANON THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT AGE 14. SHAKING YOUR HAND. DOING A FANCY CODED HANDSHAKE WITH YOU. it really can get so much drastically better or worse at once and it's often (in my experience) hard to tell why, but even when it's not hard to tell why--i think the reasons for Losing His Mirth can be multiple. like, my OCD always gets way worse when i'm stressed about unrelated things. i can see a hamlet whose father's death pushes him over the edge into his worst-ever symptom flare, which exacerbates the grief, which exacerbates the obsessions, which...

i feel like the word “sinners” is really important because someone with moral/scrupulosity/religion-related ocd would be very preoccupied about the idea of sinning, and that guilt is something you would never wish on anyone, least of all a child. (HE wouldn't know this, but ocd has genetic factors so even though i don't know if i have it, the possibility of passing this guilt and anxiety on puts me off ever having kids even more).

YEAH. GOD. OH, MAN. anon your fucking MIND. (i personally read hamlet as having religious components to his OCD; this is at least in part me projecting lol but i think there's evidence throughout the play that he is a deeply religiously conflicted person, & this line is part of that.)

(he's not an inherently bad person, but he can't possibly convince himself of this because what if he believes that and he starts doing bad things? what if not beating himself up makes him lose control and become even worse? better keep suffering to keep himself in check.)

ocd will literally be like "okay so i'm not allowed to believe i'm a good person because if i let myself off the hook for one second i will become complacent and self-justifying and then become a bad person. could this possibly be maladaptive and self-harmful thinking? no, it's the everyone else who is wrong."

AND ABSOLUTELY DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ANYTHING! i fucking LOVE talking about ocd hamlet this ask was SUCH a delight to receive. me clicking on this and seeing how long it was

also tbh anon it sounds like you are definitely having symptoms that could be grouped under OCD, and ultimately diagnostic labels are just the words we apply to groups of symptoms. which is to say, i can't armchair-diagnose you, but looking into coping skills/tips for OCD might help whether you "have" it or not!

thank YOU my comrade for the brilliant thoughts and analysis :3

#max.txt #asks #also i did have a good day. woooooooooo #hamlet #ocd hamlet #< need to start tagging this. for my archives

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pokichusramblings · 11 months

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Hi, it’s disability pride month and I would like to talk about the things I struggle with, that I believe are related to OCD and OCPD, both disorders I’ve been diagnosed with.

I believe that I am undiagnosed with autism and/or ADHD, I have a psychology appointment in august about it.

But regardless, this stuff is about the OCD/OCPD

Speaking of that, I am obsessed with symmetry. If I accidentally hit something with one hand, I have to hit the thing with the other hand. If I hear a horrid noise on one side, I have to hear an equally horrid noise on the other side. It’s awful.

I suffer from intrusive thoughts. The most disruptive of mine are the judgmental ones about other people. But I also get intrusive thoughts about me being a bad person, bad friend, bad girlfriend, etc. I get intrusive thoughts that suggest that I do bad things, like lying and stealing. I get intrusive thoughts.

I have awful imposter syndrome. I believe that I’m faking my struggles, that I’m only pretending to love my friends and family, that I clearly can’t be as good a person as people think I am, and that I (somehow) fake my creativity. All these thoughts weigh on me and I constantly feel awful. Logically, I know I’m not a bad person. But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel like a liar, a cheater, and a horrible person all around.

I make instant judgements about people that often don’t make sense. If someone talks a certain way, I subconsciously assume they’re stupid. If someone looks a certain way, I assume they’re going to be mean. I know these things aren’t true and I am nice to everyone despite these judgements, but sometimes I need to avoid certain people because I am scared that I’ll accidentally say something awful to them.

I am a perfectionist. Everything I do, everything I make, everything I say MUST be perfect. I have to be perfect. If I’m not perfect I an horrible and a failure. The worst part is that I don’t only hold myself to these standards, I subconsciously judge everything that everyone does. I only outwardly hold myself to these though, I never voice my judgements to other people unless they’re about myself.

I obsess over things. A lot. Many of my obsessions are negative, but some of them are surprisingly positive.

I physically cannot ignore things that bother me.

I have a useless order which I NEED to do things in. It’s too complicated for me to explain properly, to be honest. It involves math and can be frustrating, but unless I have an immediate deadline I cannot act outside of that order.

I have to take an even amount of steps on each surface I walk on, and take an even amount of bites of whatever I eat.

My lucky number is 6, and sometimes I have to do something either six times or a multiple of six (for example, sometimes even bites isn’t enough and the amount of bites I take MUST be a multiple of six.)

It is difficult for me to 100% focus on things, because my brain moves too fast and latches on to random things.

I struggle to manage my emotions. Often I “overreact” to stressful things because I can’t handle them.

I used to have panic attacks, but since starting my medications they have stopped completely

I still have random physical symptoms that usually came with panic attacks. Sometimes my resting heart rate spikes, or I feel like I can’t breathe for no discernable reason.

…

To end on a hopeful note, there are many tools I use that help me manage these disorders.

Of course, medications exist. I take Lexapro and Clonidine. The Lexapro helps me calm down easier and raises my “panic threshold.” The Clonidine helps lower my heart rate, helping me feel more calm.

I know the people that can help me when I get anxious, and they are quick to respond when they know I need their help.

My girlfriend and I know each other’s tells and symptoms, so they are equipped to help me when I am stressing out.

I also know that distracting me is one of the best ways to turn off “panic mode.”

I keep some sort of fidget on me at all times, and in my room and office spaces I have many easy-to-reach fidgets and stim toys.

I have taught myself how to recognize OCPD thought patterns, and if I am having so many at once I will give myself some alone time to sort them out.

If I notice myself picking at a particular spot, I will put a bandaid on it so I can’t pick at it any more.

If I have significant control over a space, I will try to make it purposefully asymmetrical so I don’t try to obsess over the impossible “perfect symmetry.”

Sometimes I will stretch to reset my thoughts and body.

I know certain breathing techniques that help a lot more than you’d think they would.

I have big, meaningful stuffed animals that I can cuddle to calm myself.

I have taught myself to tell the people I live with when I’m having an episode. Sometimes it’s hard but it makes my life significantly easier.

I remind the people I love constantly that I do love them. It helps ease my conscious, and it makes them happy. Making them happy makes me happy.

To anyone else who struggles with similar disorders or relates to the symptoms I’ve shared, know that help is available and I am proof of that. Sufferers of anxiety and/or personality disorders may never be “normal,” but they can be happy. You can make your life easier even without medication. Things will get better, but only if you make an effort on your end to try.

Love you all.

#there’s more but this is all I felt like saying #OCD #OCPD #mental health #mental disorders #disability pride

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ambientbroth · 2 years

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Self-Diagnosed Autism Journal Entry 11

My apartment is hell. I can’t wait to live in my school bus, here are a few things that I deal with on a daily basis.

When my downstairs neighbor takes a shower the pipes start “singing” and it’s this high pitched noise for how ever long and it drives me insane you can hear it throughout

The dishwasher accumulates water, therefore, we need to run the dishwasher twice a day and we hate the dishwasher. Hate dishwasher noise

The kitchen vent light makes that horrible electric light noise and so does the overhead sink light.. lots of humming, outdated, dirty electronics in my apartment oh yes

Horrendous lighting - everywhere! All the light switches turn on the most weirdest places and horrible light bulb types

When the AC is turned off there’s this droning, humming sound that is just ongoing.

The cabinets are too deep, inaccessible, broken, caked with grease from previous owners, and weird/horrible placement. You can’t fit anything in this kitchen. You may be thinking “well cabinets aren’t hard to figure out” but these motherfuckers will have you on your ass I promise.

The kitchen drawers are all broken from the sliding wheel thing - you know the thing that makes the drawers move… yeah all broken. So everytime I go to a persons house I open they’re drawers.. it’s.. wow I need to write that down that’s an OCD trait.

The apartment placement is too close to the main road, there’s so much car noise, too many sirens, and the traffic here is so busy. Our porch faces the parking lot so it feels like a spotlight on us

They will randomly shut off the water! That’s ILLEGAL. They do maintenance without telling us and the water shuts off FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING FOR HOURS. it happened yesterday for 6 hours.

My toilet flushes ✨excessively✨ I mean it takes so much water and makes so much noise. The whole thing alone is probably like 2 minutes of toilet sound

My tub drain MY MOTHER FUCKING TUB DRAIN! IT JUST DRAINS! IT DOESNT HOLD WATER! I mean it will but immediately it’ll start the draining process. No quiet bath. Only drain noises

But this is my apartment and I’ve always wanted independence. So even though this is an expensive shit show it’s still my home and I have to love my home.

The hallway lights are all broken. There are 4 big box fluorescent lights. Can’t see shit but it’s way better than bright overhead LED blaring humming lights, plus our neighbor set out a lamp so we get ✨ambience✨

Landlord specials are everywhere❤️ if you don’t know what a landlord special is, it’s when landlords will paint a chunky white paint over layers and layers of other chunky white paint to make the place look ✨brand new✨ - it’s actually disgusting but I love finding Easter eggs in my apartment I think it’s hilarious. In my apartment the landlord specials are; the bathroom cabinet hinges, one human hair in the paint, and one bug

There’s a large outdoor cat community. People set out food and shelters for strays. People will attempt to catch them in small cages to be spayed or nurtured because we’ve had some babies. My cats are spayed so I let them out and there’s really no problems

There’s also a big squirrel, geese, crow, and raccoon community - but big emphasis on the squirrels.. they are actually really scary and extremely dominant. They will bark at you from 9 feet up because they feel threatened by your presence lol

I’m not even naming my apartment things now lol

I guess it’s spacious and I can make different hideouts and different rooms (2 rooms, 2 living spaces, since we don’t have a dining table, and a kitchen)

We can smoke weed and no one will care!

We can vocal stim as loud as we want and no one will knock on the door or call the cops

FREE STUFF AT ALL THE DUMPSTERS😍 I LOVE TRASH

There’s a meadow about 180 paces from my apartment

Gas fire stove, it have horrible temperature control but I still like cooking with fire

Out of all the big horrible sensory things and realizing a home should be the place where I love the most, it’s still my home.

Which doesn’t really change anything, i can’t wait to move.

#self diagnosed autisic #actually autistic #my apartment #renting is evil #landlords are bastards #landlords are scum #landlords are parasites #sensory overload #sensory issues

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bates--boy · 2 years

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Ding-Dong, the Witch is Dead! - Pretty Petty Petey

[Transcript Provided by sirdroidal]

Hello, everyone! Peter aka Petty Petey aka Attrossitty here to discuss a new book I’ve recently picked up. Before we officially start the video, I want to give content warning for discussions of CSA, grooming, emotional and physical abuse, eating disorders. Um... the whole nine yards, I guess! [laughs]

Alright, so... lately, I’ve been reading a lot of books, especially ones about childhood trauma and hardship. Books that my boyfriend and girlfriend had suggested to me to gain some perspective on... surviving, especially at a young age. Like Trevor Noah’s “Born A Crime”, which is still one of my favorites; “I Fired God” by Jocelyn Zichterman, and “A Stolen Life” by Jaycee Dugard. A couple weeks ago, Nazz bought me a copy of Jennette McCurdy’s “I’m Glad My Mom Died.” For those that don’t know, “I’m Glad My Mom Died” is an autobiography about the many forms of abuse McCurdy suffered from her mother, and the ways she tried to please her mother due to the cancer her mother suffered, even becoming a child star despite not wanting that life for herself.

There are a lot of other elements to add to the trauma McCurdy lived with, such as poverty and hoarding and religion that was both a coping mechanism for McCurdy and a cause for her worsened OCD, but the abuse from her mother and the grooming from Nonce Schneider are the biggest themes of this book.

One of the things about this book that piqued my interest was the backlash that the book had, and it seemed to be strictly about the book’s title, not really about the book’s content. Because, hm... You know, with people, especially in modern times, there is this taboo around celebrating people’s death, or even feeling relief that horrible people have died. I still remember coming across people saying shit like “The Brits shouldn’t have been dancing in the streets” years after Thatcher died. There are Reddit posts of people wondering if they’re the bad person for finding relief that the mother who tried to cause a rift in their marriage is gone, or the father who beat them senseless is gone and if they should feel bad for not wanting to go to the funeral or even want to “bury the hatchet” before he died. Countless, countless instances of survivors being told that they should be the bigger person and forgive what happened simply because of family or religion, spirituality, and the survivors are made to feel like they are as bad as, or even worse, than the person who hurt them for being glad that the person is dead. And it’s even worse for McCurdy, because though her mother manipulated her into getting the role that exposed her to Dan, it made her millions and a household name, so it’s like, “At least you’re rich”.

And, uh, I guess now would be a good time to tell you guys that I went through a lot of the same things that McCurdy had gone through for some context. Because I’ve had... [clears throat] I’ve had... acts... done on me against my will. I’ve been... used, in a way. I... Oh, god.... you guys get it. I was touched inappropriately, multiple times. And the one time my nanny, the abuser’s aunt, caught him in the act, and I was the one punished for it. Like... severely, and also multiple times. The one person who could have stopped this, who should have protected me at the time, who could have done anything right, and she... didn’t. [shaky laughter] Quite the opposite, in fact!

And for the longest time afterward, I... [sniff] I had no one to turn to about this. She made it so that I couldn’t turn to anyone about what happened to me, not just what happened in that bedroom, but everything else after. She wasn’t the only one, mind you, but she was the biggest reason why I found it hard to share the things that happened to me. The only person I had managed to trust with anything, besides Nazz and Sheer, was my adoptive father, and even he doesn’t know about this.

And for all of that, I’m glad that she’s dead.

I’m glad that the person who basically facilitated my sexual abuse and further physically and emotionally abused me is dead. I’m glad that the woman who punished me for not being straight is gone. When I heard that the boy who hurt me, her nephew, ran off to join the war, some part of me wished, prayed, that he would be killed in battle.

I could say that I’m only relieved that my former nanny is dead and hoped that her nephew is dead so that they wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else, but no. My reasons are completely selfish. I am glad to not be living in the same world where my nanny is still alive. In fact, the only disappointing thing about her death was the possibility that she got to die peacefully, naturally, at an old age, something that she didn’t deserve. If her nephew ends up dying, I would be absolutely fucking golden!

And that is the thing: we should be celebrating the deaths of heinous people that hurt us without regret. We should be allowing space for people to find relief in the deaths of people that caused them harm. It’s natural, it’s within our right. Because for us, it means that it’s over. It means that we’re free, and to deny us that relief and try to make us feel bad for the person’s deaths just because they happened to raise us or is our family, that’s... bonkers. Honestly, it’s bonkers! And it’s not going to help anyone, especially in what is such a nuanced situation.

Because, yes, McCurdy’s mother had died. She was obviously going to have mixed feelings about it, like grieving her loss, finding her identity beyond the one she made to please her mother, finding stability after years of focusing her OCD tics on keeping her mother alive. And telling McCurdy that she shouldn’t be glad that her mother is gone does shit to help. Something that I can also relate to because I, too, had mixed feelings about the boy who hurt me. This boy was not only the only friend that I had at the time, but he was the boy that I had a crush on. I made the mistake of telling him about my feelings and he used that against me, and it was hard for me to fight back.

Years afterward, I stupidly thought about what I could have done differently so he wouldn’t have hurt me and maybe our relationship could have been what I wanted: romantic and sweet and, most of all, consensual. It didn’t help that for nearly all the times he had hurt me, I felt... pleasure, from it, and I still craved closeness from anyone, even him and, in a parental way, his aunt, which muddled my thoughts and fears about what happened and made me unable to process it properly.

In all, we need to allow people to be happy that someone who hurt them is dead. We need to stop putting the onus of letting things go on the survivors and expecting them – us – to grieve and only grieve people who hurt us just because of some weird familial obligation. McCurdy is glad that her mom is dead and I’m right fucking there with her.

That’s all I have for you guys today, so thanks for tuning in. Drink water, take med, make the appointment, and don’t forget the sunscreen. Bye!

[Outro: “Ding-dong, the Witch is Dead” by The Fifth Estate]

#hetalia #The MizFists #washed ashore ( queue )#hws sealand #older sealand

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 2 years

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Hey!!! This is the anon from before! You are not a horribly materialistic person and you don’t sound like one either! You sound like you are experiencing a compulsion to do something under a lot of emotional stress (which translates to physical stress). Exactly why it ends up being this specific thing (wanting to spend all savings when you feel self-prevented from those other things) may have a root meaning, and may in most ways not. May just be something you repeated as a cycle a few times but then latched onto mentally as the pattern. I can’t claim to be an expert. If I were looking at a potential meaning, it could be spending all savings is actually another harm. And you know that, so when you successfully avoid the other forms but of course the drive still is afflicting you, the focus turns to the financial self destruct. It does not sound at all like the usual “retail therapy” pattern, and honestly some or even most of those people are probably engaging in intentional (on some level) harm through it. It just gets self-explained with either positive (“got to shop!”) or negative (“eww why am I materialistic?”) narratives… depending on which your values most support… but neither tell what’s going on.

Hope any of that made sense, if it’s unwelcome please ignore 🌻

Anon you are so so sweet 💕 thank you again for reaching out to me ☺️💕💕

I’m going to try my best to respond to all of your points! (But I firstly just wanted to comment on the anon you asked me not to post - you are fully correct and that’s exactly what I was saying ahaha. At least I know some people understand what I mean when I say it even if I’m not explicit 😂)

- thank you for saying I don’t sound that way , that actually really means a lot 😊💕💕 and I agree it definitely feels like a compulsion of some kind. I don’t want to just slap my OCD diagnosis on it but it could be coming from that, who knows aha. But you are right it’s definitely another form of harm and it’s really sad that so many people struggle with it.

That’s an interesting point about the addiction too! I’ve been lucky enough to never struggle with a substance addiction, but I do know I have a very addictive personality (which is a little part of the reason I’ve never tried any d****) so that could have a play in it as well. I’ve mentioned to my support workers/ psychologists in the past that if rep addicted to SH at some points so maybe it had a similar affect on the brain? Who knows.

I’m really sorry those people you know have had others make them feel that way :( that’s so awful.

You are so right though. Understanding doesn’t always help the thing go away. Sometimes it’s so much easier to just go with it.

I hope those close to you are going okay and that you are also looking after yourself 💕💕

Thank you again so much for popping in and I hope you have a beautiful and wonderful day ☺️🌻🌻☺️💕💕

#asks #anon #answered #trigger warning #tw self harm #tw mental health #tw addiction

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ralaferin · 3 months

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long winded life whining

i have been with my partner every single day for about 3 weeks with no breaks to be alone. If I am not at his place he is at mine. i am a person who recharges with alone time.

REAL, actual alone time! which i Never Have because even if im at home, I have caring responsibilities. the situation at home is also always tense because of other reasons (parents relationship shit) so it is not a restful place to be regardless.

he went home this morning in a very fragile bad mood (for very good reasons, not at me) after venting about his suicidal ideations and i said i would come over after my game even though i am absolutely desperate for some alone time. the usual Trying To Support Someone Even Though I Also Feel Like Death

i played my online VTM game (10am to like? 3pm ish?) and was so exhausted afterwards that i went to bed and napped for an hour and a half

now he’s upset with me because “you said you would come over right after” and not opening or replying to anything I said

he also has real problems with sharing me with anyone else and I haven’t been able to keep up with any of my other friends full stop for months. my therapist has emphasised how unhealthy and codependent it is and even though I agree and I feel completely fucking smothered I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

my parents had a horrible relationship and I have no fucking idea what a healthy boundary looks like or how to enforce one because the second someone is upset with me I fall immediately into people pleasing and fawning.

my only other relationship experience was a long term monogamous one where I got Jokingly put down so often it left my confidence completely shattered by the time it was over, and things came to light after it ended that made me realise the guy was actually a pretty fucking shitty person in a lot of ways that I didn’t see until later

The thing is, he genuinely treats me like a real gentleman and he’s sincerely excellent at handling my own horrific mental health. I’ve never had someone make me feel so beautiful and desired. He understands the mental load of caring for my mum and sees how crushed by it I am. He reminds me of my worth and he doesn’t put me down at all. He’s good with mum and helps me with things around the house without a single crumb of complaint. He makes me laugh and he dresses well and he actively wants to do hobbies together, never begrudgingly.

he’s genuinely a great guy and I’ve known him for like 8 years or something and he’s always been a steadfast friend

but

but.

what the fuck am I supposed to do?? i can’t be with someone who demands (in all but direct words) that i give up my friends and what few social hobbies i have to be with them. he struggles with recurring intrusive thought patterns that are probably ocd but we don’t know for sure and I can only support him so much. I’m a fucking mess myself, more than he realises, and the extra weight is crushing me.

I’ve never dated casually because I don’t even know how to and flying straight into another long term monogamous partnership also doesn’t feel good… this also started as a casual fwb situation that got more serious sort of out of my control and now I’m here. I know he can tell that some part of me I’ve been holding down is chafing and unhappy but I’ve bottled it up bc he’s suffering so fucking much at the moment and I don’t want to be a cause of it being even worse. He hasn’t said anything like “if you leave I’ll kill myself” but it really strongly feels like it, as he’s made me his sole emotional support and won’t fucking listen to me about seeking some support elsewhere ((“therapy is a racket for shaking money out of depressed people they don’t actually help you” attitude, won’t reach out to his family))

the extra psychological toll has made me start self harming again in worse ways than I used to and he encourages some pretty shitty things like my smoking a heap of weed and binge eating so I’ve also gained back all the weight I’d managed to lose and some extra too

there’s also that I can’t stop thinking about women and the recurring “am I actually bi or am I a lesbian” thoughts are back with a vengeance, and they make me feel horrible and guilty. World’s shittiest cherry on top of a big pile of turds. not that I would even be able to find out if I wasn’t already in a relationship, because I’m a fucking shut in and don’t know how to talk to people

#whinge whinge etc #genuinely the most asinine shit sorry. i feel awful #talk about drugs n mental illness and suicidal ideation and self harm warning

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furiousgoldfish · 3 years

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I don’t really know if my experience was abusive or not…. My home life was kinda all over the place growing up. My mum was initially a single mom but got married and had another child when I was 7. I sorta got pushed to the side at that point. My mum was busy with my younger sister and step-dad worked in camps for weeks on and weeks off, but even then I never really liked him that much. I learned how to get my own food, tuck myself into bed, entertain myself very quickly. I have a fear of showing pain or injury now because when I got hurt when I was younger I was often scolded and made to feel it was my fault. Got bit by the dog? Well what was I doing!? I shouldn’t have done that!! My little sister had an ear infection and was scolded (ie yelled at) because she didn’t say anything earlier and it was the weekend now and they can’t do anything about it (walk in clinics closed).

Growing up, my mother was always very strict about friends and play dates because they were apparently a lot of work. A friend would ask if I could come over after school and I would be so terrified to ask my mother I would near cry. I would ask and get scolded because “we don’t have time for that” or it’s “too last minute.” And I was always a very quiet child so I never pushed back, I just gave in and told her she was right.

When I expressed anxieties, or that I was really stressed and it was making me feel unwell, it was often ignored or flipped so that it was something I was doing wrong. And maybe they were right?

I would say I’m scared to do something or that something stresses me out and my step father would tell me to get over it because it’s life. When I had to change my diet for health reasons, he would say he checked packages that they were okay, but he didn’t and then I would feel unwell, and he wouldn’t believe me.

Basically, my parents were either not existing in my life, yelling at me for being hurt or being mad because something was going to cost money (and making me feel reallllyyyyy bad about it which has resulted in it being very hard for me to ask for things I needed), my parents also argue a lot, which always seriously stressed me out. Also a lot a lot a lot of shame about wasting from my step dad which has now led to me feeling sick to my stomach everytime something is slightly wasted, thrown out or not recycled.

But at the same time, as I got older I got Kinda closer to my mum?? But she was still very strict on friends and I knew that if I let her know most things that she would be mad, even though I was a textbook student. All this also paired with my grandmother’s constant dieting and telling me that I put on weight.., and patting my stomach. And then apologizing. And then when I try on clothes telling me I’m too too heavy… idk. I present a LOT of trauma symptoms, but I have lived a relatively blessed childhood.

Also probably important to note that I am suspected OCD or other anxiety disorder but undiagnosed.

Thank you for your blog and your time, both are incredibly helpful and I am very grateful.

That's really heartbreaking neglect, they couldn't even comfort you when you were in pain or injured, and you had to figure out everything yourself, like you had no parents at all. Yelling at children for being sick and injured is like kicking down someone who is asking you for help, it's despicable. I'm so sorry, that is absolutely abuse, and a serious case of neglect.

You were demanded to be a convenience and as little work as possible, to a great price for your childhood, you can't have a kid and then ask them to 'not be a lot of work' for you! It's not called work, it's raising your own kid! Besides, what kind of 'work' is a friend coming over, you have to say hi and maybe offer a snack? What kind of person considers that too much for their child's friendships?

Your parents are not right to blame and shame you for your anxiety and stress, they were supposed to help you feel better, comfort and reassure you, not make you feel worse and force you to doubt whether you're allowed to feel your feelings at all.

I'm so sorry for all they put you thru. It makes complete sense your stomach feels sick, that is so much violation and hate directed at you. You're more important than food. You're more important than your weight or whatever else they tried to make you feel horrible about. These people don't know you and have no right to comment on anything on you. They already hurt you enough.

I hope you get diagnosed and your struggles get a bit easier once you're sure of it and find more people you can relate to. Your childhood isn't blessed, it's already tainted with so much abuse, neglect, violation and hate, you have actual trauma symptoms. Trauma isn't a small issue that can be brushed aside. Your story is painful and it's not fair for you to have to live thru that.

And also, thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them.

#ask #furiousgoldfish #neglect #abuse #victim shaming #berating victims #child abuse #mental illness #this is the last ask #all are answered now

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platypuskenny · 3 years

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So I saw in a reblog you mentioned something about a Kyle OCD headcanon. Can you elaborate?

gladly!!! i actually started writing a post in my drafts about it but never finished.

this is more of a personal headcanon than a theory, but i strongly see kyle as having OCD, especially scrupulosity. i think this originates with his mother's strict moral code, was made worse by his father's manipulation of the law and moral hypocrisy, and really made worse by his experiences with antisemitism where people (mostly cartman) act like kyle is doomed to be horrible and demonic because of his judaism. i get the impression that he obsesses strongly over being a good person, and gets extremely hung up on the idea of being bad to the point that he'll even beg for reassurance until somebody proves otherwise.

"crack baby athletic association" is a big example here because the running gag has kyle go to stan for no reason than to explain his side of the situation, not for stan's sake (because stan doesn't really care) but because kyle wants to hear stan validate his point of view. of course, kyle still does this dodgy shit to begin with, but only because cartman convincingly assuages his fears (and bribes him a bit -- kyle falling for that part feels a little OOC to me, tbh).

“the biggest douche in the universe” is another big one. in this, a phony psychic gives kyle an incredibly vague suggestion about something his grandmother wants him to do. kyle walks out completely shaky and paranoid about his grandmother watching him. he’s willing to uproot his life just to fulfill some debt to his grandma (and rid himself of these panic-inducing thoughts), just because some random guy suggested it. he believes the psychic genuinely while stan considers it all phony and i think that’s because kyle is so preoccupied with doing the wrong thing that he doesn’t want to take chances like this.

he’s also the only one in “toilet paper” to feel guilty about TP’ing the house, to the degree of having recurring nightmares where he exaggerates the impact of his actions to monstrous proportions. he’s even willing to let cartman kill him because these thoughts are so pervasive.

there's other episodes where kyle becomes convinced he has some sort of moral obligation to the rest of the world, and becomes consumed with guilt for things that aren't his fault. "the passion of the jew" is another one, which goes hand-in-hand with his frequent confusion regarding his faith and organizes all the jewish people to atone so he can feel less guilty. he obsesses over heidi's abusive relationship because he just feels guilty about not being able to fix it, even though it's not really his problem.

other episodes show that kyle tends to ruminate on other issues and become hyperaware of his surroundings to the point of panic. in "the tooth fairy's tats," he has an existential panic and questions the reality of everything, obsessively reading a book on alternate realities to better understand things. there's one telling moment when stan simply says, "stop thinking about it" and kyle replies that he can't because he's convinced that thinking about existentialism is the only thing keeping his space-time together. this is clear rumination to me.

the most recent instance of kyle having OCD traits is in "turd burglars." while kyle has had germophobic tendencies before, it's never become incapacitating for him (and it's a parody of matt's own tendencies anyway). in this episode, however, he obsesses over germs to the extent where he can't stop thinking about the organisms around him and inside his body. this plot actually plays out very similarly to "tooth fairy's tats," as kyle's thoughts overpower him until he embraces his microbes as part of him. but that paralyzing fear is still very much intact.

i’m also pretty sure he has more nightmares / nightmarish visions than the other characters, barring maybe cartman (who has a bunch of mental issues himself), so there’s some tendency for him to doom think there.

anyway i just see a lot of my experiences with mental illness in kyle. that paranoia over what the world is made of, and how to be part of it... a lot of episodes suggests that kyle will spend days distracted by these fears, begging for some sort of answer so he doesn't go nuts. it doesn't necessarily mean he has OCD, but it definitely reminds me of it.

#kyle broflovski #south park #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #ocd headcanon #answers #long post #analysis

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squidlyskeet · 3 years

Text

Joyride -0.008

Pairing: StreetRacer!Bakugou x Fem!reader

Genre: TokyoDrift!au, Noquirks!au

Status: Ongoing

TW: Violence, Blood, firearms, eventual nsfw, 18+, mentions of anxiety and OCD disorders, grand theft auto, gang activity, eventual soft yandere Bakugou.

Summary:

It started with a simple question. “What do you say Y/n? You coming?”

After the sudden death of her mother, Y/n is sent to live with her estranged aunt who made a home in Tokyo, Japan. Weary of what this new adventure might mean for her future, Y/n lets loose for her first night there, but how was Y/n supposed to know it would lead to a car chase? A car chase in the passenger seat of a very angry, very hot, street racer’s super car.

A/n: TW FOR GUNS THIS CHAPTER. I REPEAT GUNS!!! Bold Italics means the words are spoken in Japanese. -Squidlyskeet ✌🏻✌🏻

Ringing woke me up, the blaring noise from my phone making me sit straight up in my bed. I checked the time, reading two thirty in the morning and groaned before throwing my blankets around trying to find the offending object.

Finally I found it, reading the caller I.d. before hiccuping in surprise and sliding off the side of the bed, ass first, effectively chucking the phone directly across the room. It hit the opposite wall with a dull thud and dropped to the floor still ringing.

“Jesus shit that hurt,” I rubbed my but cheek, worming my way across the floor with my legs still wrapped in the blankets.

The ringing stopped momentarily, made the sound that notifies me I have a voicemail, and then began ringing again.

What the fuck? Why at two thirty in the goddamn morning.

I picked the phone back up, rolling my eyes and hit the green button before whisper yelling at the man on the other end of the phone.

“Why are you calling me a two in the morning?” My voice was quiet, and hopefully stern.

“Why are you whispering? And this was the only time I had available, I had to sleep and then I had to go on a missi- Job as soon as I got back. This is the first minute I’ve had to myself. How did your day go?” Bakugou, the fucking asshole, replied.

“You’re telling me. That you woke me up in the middle of the night when I have to be up for an hour and a half. To ask me how my day went?” I gritted out.

I was not a good waking up person. Sleep was my only solace from reality, and I got pissy when even that is taken from me.

“Why do you have to be up in an hour and a half? And I’m still waiting on your repro- on how your day went. I don’t like waiting so speak the fuck up.” Bakugou demanded.

I didn’t want to admit it, but somehow, the quiet gravel of Bakugou’s voice soothed me in a way I couldn’t explain. He was rough around the edges, but again -even if it was the middle of the night- he called me to make sure I was okay, and asked how my day went. No one had ever done that before, so with a huff I caved and gave him a play by play of how the entire day went. From Shinsou and Kaminari’s horrible singing all the way to coming home and what I had for dinner.

“Good. You ate then? Also I don’t see why you need a job. Especially if you start school in a few days, Fukurodani High school is no cake walk. Hah. I’ll give it a week.” The angry man began laughing on the other end of the phone.

“Also. The two idiots will have to keep driving you for the next couple of days because I have to go out of town for a search and ki- another job. I can take you to work today though,..if you wanted me too. Or whatever.” Bakugou’s words became gruff with his last statement.

I giggled, rolling to my back on the floor.

“Well if you hadn’t offered I’d most likely have to walk so I think i'll take you up on it.” I replied, smiling.

“I better never find out that you're walking anywhere.”

I smiled.

“And if you do?”

“Then someone’s gonna have a problem in the shape of a chain, their ankle, and my bumper.”

“My my Bakugou, that’s not very heroic of you. And here I thought you were trying to be my knight in shining armor.”

I heard him scoff on the other end of the line.

“I never said I was your hero babygirl, in fact, if I were you, I’d stay away from a man like me.” Bakugou’s voice held a smirk.

“Now how am I supposed to stay away from you if you go and say something like that?”

Bakugou was silent for a second, before clearing his throat.

“Start getting ready. I’m taking you to work today, I know where it’s at. I’m parking down the street, but I’ll walk to the door. Make sure you're ready to go at three thirty sharp.”

Again with the drill sergeant bit. Jeez.

“Yes sir!” I playfully replied.

I heard Bakugou choke, clearly surprised and thoroughly confusing me.

“Y/n.” He commanded, stern.

“What?”

“If you know what’s good for you. You won’t call me Sir anymore.”

Confusion ate at me further until I took in his new tone.

Deeper.

Heated.

A fierce blush crept from my neck all the way to my forehead, and it was only getting hotter.

“R-right, o-okay. I’ll see you in an hour.” I squeaked, before hanging up the phone as fast as I could. I threw it back across the room onto my bed, and stared at the ceiling for a minute holding my hot cheeks.

I laughed. Uncontrollably. Raising my blanket to my face to muffle my embarrassed screams.

What the fuck was right.

——————————————————

Fukurodani Prefecture High school.

It was an intimidating place, and the culture shock was felt intensely when Shinsou dropped me off at the front gates this morning. The structure was different than what would be the norm in the states, and the uniform left a lot to be desired. The plaid skirt fit of black and yellow fit a little too short, and the blazer felt a little too formal.

Noel went out of her way to tell me everything that would likely be different here, but even still experiencing it first hand was surreal. They didn’t have a lunch period, they only brought bento boxes that they ate in their home rooms. I was to change my shoes when first arriving, and expected to join a club or activity after school. Although in my few days Yin early in the mornings, she informed me that working with her at the bakery could be considered a type of home ec, and they wouldn’t put up too much of a fuss about considering it that.

Finding my way around the school was very much my biggest struggle so far, and I huffed when I remembered what Noel said.

“I know you were originally meant to go to Nekoma, but Mirio and I decided that you’d be better off going to a school like Fukurodani. If you’re okay with it that is. It looks better on Uni applications, not that you have to do that either. You just might not know what you might want ten years down the road..” Noel’s tone was nonchalant as she snacked on her sandwich, eyes focused on the movie on the TV.

“Why would one public school compared to another look better?” I asked, shoving more popcorn in my face.

“Because it isn’t a public school.” She stated simply.

“You’re sending me to a private school?!” My voice raised a pitch, cracking in the middle. “Doesn’t that like..cost money?” I asked, incredulous.

“You don’t have to worry about it. It’s been paid for.” Noel clipped, ending the conversation. But I wasn’t done.

“BY WHO?!?” The last thing I wanted to worry about was owing someone however much it cost to go to some prissy private school.

“I’m not telling you. Now watch the movie.” Noel’s voice held a warning, and with a huff I backed down. For the moment.

It was a mystery really, unless it was Noel herself I had no idea who could have possibly paid for me to come here. On top of that, strings were pulled for me to come here on such short notice. I wasn’t dumb, and I was grateful, I just wanted to know who would put that kind of effort into someone like me.

I sat at my assigned desk at the back of the classroom that was meant to be my home room. No one has made an effort to talk to me yet, and I didn’t know if that made me feel bad or relieved that I didn’t have to speak. Especially if it meant I had to speak in my broken Japanese I’d been learning from Shinsou and Noel. The contents of the bento box that sat open in front of me looked unfamiliar, and the knee high socks were cutting off the circulation to my calves.

I knew I was only working myself up, but nothing was familiar, I felt out of place and uncomfortable.

I felt my phone ping with a text message.

From SIRbakugou: It should be about your lunch. How is your first day at school?

Looking down at my phone screen, it was like my lungs opened up. I hadn’t heard from him for days and I was getting a little nervous. Since I’d known the man, he’s always been super obscure about what he does in his spare time, only ever asking me how my day went.

And as I finally breathed deeply for the first time in ten minutes, I smiled. Then my smile grew wider when against my better judgement I sent him a meme.

From SIRbakugou: I swear to god your dumb as hell. Answer the question.

Ugh.

To SIRbakugou: I feel very out of place, but other than that the classes are similar enough to the advanced ones I was taking in the states.

From SIRbakugou: Keep me updated.

I decided not to text him back, letting me keep a little mystery too. At least I’d hoped. I’ve realized by now that this wasn’t exactly how the elusive ‘talking’ went, as there was really no getting to know each other. Or to be more clear there was no me getting to know him. Thus far I’ve rambled about myself and worn my thoughts on my sleeves around him enough for him to get the general gist. Even still, I continued to talk to him, who was I to judge or criticize the courting process here. If that’s even if this was.

The thought of Bakugou trying to woo me..well it didn’t put me off nearly as much as I thought it would. That was enough to not allow myself to text him back in itself. After all, I hadn’t seen him since the awkward silent car ride to work a few days ago.

“Don’t think too hard, you might hurt yourself.” Someone said as they sat next to me, uninvited.

“Bokuto Kotaro. It’s nice to meet you. It looked like you didn’t know whether to scream or run for a minute so I decided I’d come ease the tension.”

A brick shit house was what the silver haired man was. He kind of reminded me of Kirishima with his wholesome smile, and soft amber eyes. None of that took away from the fact that there was very much a stranger potentially hitting on me.

“U-uh Y/n..” I replied, hoping he’d get the point.

It seems he did, because after a minute of searching my face he let off the deepest belly laugh I’d ever heard, and he sat just like that, laughing hysterically until tears were falling from his eyes.

“Don’t..whew..don’t worry Y/n, I’m as straight as a volleyball, and everyone here knows it. Although you’re a very pretty girl, I don’t really swing that way. Sorry to add to your disappointments.” Bokuto’s smile somehow grew tenfold, and I -even though it made me feel terrible- felt much better about conversing with him.

I didn’t do well with random interest thrown at me.

“Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to offend you if I did..” My brow furrowed, I wanted to ask questions, but if I were being honest I was embarrassed with myself. “Do you think..maybe you could help me find my next class after this one is over?”

“Of course, what kind of senpai would I be if I didn’t?” Bokuto replied, puffing his chest out like that was something to be proud of.

Whatever..a senpai was..?

“Oh thank god. If I’m not late because I’m lost it’s because I was trampled by a hoard of frantic students. Glad I have you, two birds one stone and all that. No one is trampling you.” I mumbled and laughed to myself, unaware he heard me too.

His second round of laughing brought it to my attention, and he slapped my back with a little force. It took the air out of my lungs but it was all in good fun, so I let it slide.

“You know, I like you Y/n. Do you wanna come with me and some friends to the gym after school? We play volleyball.” Bokuto said as he began to stand.

“I’m sorry, I have someone pick me up after school. Then I have to go to work, I wish I could though.” I pretend pouted as I stood to follow the silver haired man from the room.

“No worries, maybe a different day. Now let me see that schedule of yours, no time to waste.” Bokuto held his hand out, and I pulled the translated paper from my pocket.

“Don’t worry Y/n, it gets easier.”

I sure hoped so.

———————————

“Wow…You’re with him? In the Jaguar?”

Bokuto’s voice was incredulous, his mouth agape and if I looked hard enough with hearts in his eyes.

“Like with him or with him because neither. He’s just a friend of the family doing my uncle a favor by driving me to school and back.” I replied, looking at the unfamiliar black car with well placed lightning bolt decals.

It was a nice car, I’ll say that at least.

“Anyways I should go, thank you for walking me to the car!” Bokuto shot me a suspicious look as I smiled and waved walking away.

“Yeah..I’ll see you tomorrow.” He waved back before turning around and heading back toward the school.

I walked toward the black car that stuck out like a sore thumb in the pick up line for students, and for the first I was embarrassed. I didn’t want any extra attention, and this was not helping that particular situation.

I opened the door, sitting in the seat before even I even looked at who was in the driver's seat. It obviously wasn’t Bakugou or Shinsou, so it didn’t matter. Until a familiar voice spoke up.

“What no hello?” Kaminari laughed.

“Uhhhgg. Jesus fucking Christ. It’s you.” I groaned, crossing my arms and rubbing my hands down my face.

I shut the door and motioned for him to go, but not before he started laughing harder.

“You know the rules Y/n.” Kaminari playfully demanded.

I shot him a look and rolled my eyes before reaching for the uncomfortable harness. When I was fully buckled, I motioned once more and Kaminari finally complied, revving the engine and garnering even more attention from my peers in the courtyard.

“So how was it?” His voice sounded honest, but I couldn’t bring myself to recount the exhaustion that was today.

“Fine. How come I’ve never seen you driving?” I fired back.

“Don’t change the subject to things that are irrelevant, I just wanna know how school went, everyone back at the shop is curious too.” Kaminari continued.

“I wanna know why I’ve never seen you in the driver's seat before.” I pressed further, unaware of his rising irritation.

“Jesus. It’s because I’ve gotten one to many DUI’s and wrecks under my belt to be trusted with carg- with parts. We haul parts for cars as cargo. So I navigate, does that answer your question?” Kaminari sighed.

Yes actually it did, but now I felt bad. Why when I finally have the nerve to say something all that comes out of my mouth is just snarky word vomit. I decided to change the subject all together.

“Do you wanna scream music at pedestrians?” I asked, face still stoically straight.

“Has anyone ever told you you’d be really good at poker? And yes!! I thought you’d never ask.” Kaminari smiled, turning up the radio and singing.

I was singing quietly, looking in the mirror when I spotted something out of the corner of my eye. A black sedan, it looked almost like it was..following us. That’s not what concerned me though. What really concerned me was the emblem on the side I immediately recognized. A red rose.

Wasn’t that..?

“Hey Kaminari?” I kept looking out the mirror, blindly slapping his shoulder with my left hand.

He turned down the radio, “What?” He asked, unbothered.

“Do you see that?” I pointed my finger behind us, and Kaminari followed the direction until finally, he spotted it too.

I watched a Kaminari’s eyes visibly widened, panic flashing in them, as they ghosted over the rear view mirror and back to me several times. If I wasn’t mistaken, he looked like he was about to melt into an anxiety attack, and that just wouldn’t do. If he is panicked like this, we need to figure out how to get away from them.

“Alright, Kami, Kami can you hear me. Breath. In and out.” I motioned breathing, hoping he’d follow the movements and copy them. I was thankful when finally, the yellow haired man snapped out of it and started to process the situation.

“Shit. SHIT. SHIT.” He was at a red light, and it allowed him a second to run his hands through his hair and work up what I assumed was a plan.

“Okay. Okay. Y/n. Unbuckle your harness and get underneath the dash, try not to let them see you moving around, okay? When we turn that corner right there, I want you to climb over the dash as fast as you can past the tanks and behind the backseat. There is no separator between the backseat and trunk so you should fit fine.” He shifted gears as the light turned green, and I began unbuckling the harness. “They are going to stop me, you can’t make a peep, okay? No matter what you see, you can’t make a peep.”

I nodded my head, following his instruction, fully unbuckling the harness and throwing myself to the floor beneath the dash of the passenger seat. I was shaking, but I knew I had to keep myself together for the sake of Kaminari. If I started to lose it, I had a feeling he’d lose it twice as bad.

I watched as he picked up the comms device I've seen in all the cars so far.

“Chargebolt to Ground Zero. I’ve got the south on my six. LITTLE CHICK IS IN THE CAR. I REPEAT I’VE GOT LITTLE CHICK IN THE CAR. WHAT ARE MY ORDERS? OVER.”

He slammed it back down, as a familiar voice answered his call. It was Bakugou’s voice, and even if he wasn't speaking to me, and it wasn’t in a language I understood. It calmed me down. This was just like our car chase, and it was terrible to say, but I wished that it was Bakugou in that drivers seat instead of Kaminari. I wished that I was smelling burnt sugar and gasoline, instead of th black ice of this car, and the green and orange interior that I thought complimented each other so well.

“That was Bakugou, he is on his way as well as a few others. He’ll take you when he gets here.” Kaminari shifted again and turned the wheel, and I took that as my que.

I shot out from under the dash, and as agile as I could manage I pushed myself forward through the space between the seats. It happened to be just my bad luck that as soon as Kaminari had straightened out, he sped up. Like a lot. I launched forward, unable to stop my body, my head collided with one of the tanks hard enough to rattle my skull. I groaned, rubbing my head, but I shook it off when I remembered that Kaminari needed me to do this. I kept pushing, finally reaching the space he told me about. He wasn’t lying when he said that it was small, I hardly fit, but I made it work.

“Are you in?” Kaminari asked from the front.

“Yes.” I replied, trying not to focus on the slight trickle of liquid slithering it’s way down my forehead.

Before anything else could be said, Kaminari was stopping the car. Pulling over on a deserted industrial road somewhere.

How was Bakugou going to know where we were?

I silently tried to pull my phone from my pocket, turning off the sound and opening the maps app. I clicked the button I needed, and breathed out when I successfully pin dropped our location to Bakugou.

Please get here soon, I’m scared.

A door slammed from behind us, and I led my breath for what felt like hours as two men approached Kaminari’s car. He rolled down his window, greeting them with a smile in true Kaminari fashion. I had no idea how because looking at them through the small opening between the back seat and the door, I realized just how real this situation this was. Both men looked like men for hire. Littered in scars. Carrying weapons.

“How can I help you gentlemen?” Kaminari’s tone could win awards with the steady pitch he spoke at.

“Tell us why you were in the southside with a tagged car.” The man sounded Russian, which among other things blew my mind.

“This car doesn’t race, nor does it carry cargo.” Was Kaminari’s only answer.

“That’s not what I asked you, you fucking dimwit.” The man’s tone was harsher now.

The sun was in my eyes and all I could see at first was a glint in the reflection of the mirror on the driver’s side door. Tears gathered in my eyes, and I clamped my hand over my mouth. My eyes widened in fear.

I tried to hold in the whimper that was trying it’s hardest to escape from my mouth as the first tear of terror swelled over my eyelid and slid down my face.

I prayed to any god that would listen to please just let Bakugou get here as fast as he could.

Because there was a gun pointed at Kaminari’s head.

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Taglist: @thatonegeekchick @garnet-redtailedhero @nightlygiggless @miydizzle3000 @akaashisus @notyourfavorIte @oikawasb1tch @breadmouthbread

Again, let me know if I missed you 😊💕

-Squidlyskeet ✌🏻

MASTERLIST

#my hero academia #mha #this took a lot longer than i thought it would #uhgggg #bnha au #bnha fluff #bakugou x fem!reader #mha angst #mha au #bnha angst #bnha bakugou #bakugou x you #bakugou fluff #bakugou x y/n #kaminari angst #but bruh

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shattered-catalyst · 3 years

Text

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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suekre · 3 years

Note

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense. It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this - I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

#ocd #rocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #relationship obsessive compulsive disorder #mental disorder #sanne rambles

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totaltrauma · 4 years

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I really want to just put this here with my best intentions, I have intrusive thoughts, a lot, especially the ones you mentioned in your sideblog. You can imagine how disturbed I am and can’t even manage to tell my psychologist what they are about, because even if she’s a psychologist I feel like she wouldn’t understand and blame me for them. I don’t have OCD though, I don’t have any symptom or sign of having it, and I haven’t been there long enough to get diagnosed with anything. The point is, before I did my research on intrusive thoughts, Total Trauma may be the THIRD thing I’ve ever seen talking about the topic. The first was a post on instagram to create consciousness, which helped me find out what it was that I was struggling with, and the second one was here on tumblr portraying the struggles of living with it. So I really appreciated representation because I was just learning to cope with it, and trying to understand the fact that I am not a monster and my intrusive thoughts have NOTHING to do with who I am. And it actually helped me to do my own research and understand what was going on in my brain, but I do understand the other side. I know some people criticizing the mention in the comic can be just nts who never struggled with those thoughts in their life, but I know there’s people that have experienced them that still didn’t like the representation in the comic because it wasn’t so accurate. Let me explain myself better, at least from my own research has lead me to believe that everyone (or mostly everyone) with intrusive thoughts get absolutely repulsed by it, scared and struggle to even say it out loud. And at least in my own personal case, many times they’re totally unprovoked, I understand there can be triggers, which was the case in the comic. But the thing about it was how they happened to Cody and how he reacted to them, they weren’t unprovoked, he was angry at Sierra and thought of doing that, he said it out loud and didn’t seem to be really disturbed with them. So I don’t really get why people got upset with DJ reacting the way he did, I’ve had provoked intrusive thoughts but that was mainly as a kid, but if right after them I had said I understand what drives a person to m*rder a pregnant woman and then commit s*icide I wouldn’t get mad because I know what I said whats wrong. Intrusive thoughts aren’t anyone’s fault, but we can be blamed for how we react to them. So I’m not saying maybe, but I know it was the reason some got upset at the comic, because it wasn’t really accurate with how unprovoked they can be most times, how disgusted people get by them when they would NEVER do such things, and how people react to them. Like I said and wanted to make sure you knew, I am really glad you mentioned it and I loved representation because I am dealing with them, I only send this anonymously because I still can’t say out loud that I experience them and least of all, of that kind. But I think it was important to let you know why some people found it upsetting, maybe if you made a comic talking about them to clarify things it’d make things better, but this is just to explain that other opinion, please understand why some people complained about it and didn’t feel comfortable with the comic.

Hey,

Thank you so much for this message!

Firstly, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with intrusive thoughts. My heart goes out to you. When mine got especially bad after I was retraumatized, it took me over a year of constant agony to ever admit what was happening to the person I’m closest with in the entire world -- And even then, I couldn’t do it. My alter did it, because I kept having horrible breakdowns and she knew I needed help. You’re going to be okay, and for what it’s worth I do recommend that you tell your therapist even though it’s scary.

Secondly, ... Woah! That makes... SO MUCH SENSE.

I feel like you just opened my eyes. HAHA. Yeah, maybe what I depicted in that comic wasn’t actually a truthful depiction of intrusive thoughts.

I think part of where I went wrong was straying from my experience in favor something that I felt was more forgivable. And honestly, it probably ISN’T to a lot of people -- but in my eyes, sexual intrusive thoughts are worse (as in grosser, more disgusting, more fucked up) than violent ones simply because sexual thoughts are the ones that I have. (Self hatred, nice.)

I think I might’ve also chickened out a little because... Intrusive thoughts WITH a trigger (which like you said, they typically do not have) seemed more FORGIVABLE and like they made more SENSE.

I.... Yikes. You really just opened my eyes to a whole different perspective, I didn’t realize that even my comic about how intrusive thoughts are normal was still LADEN with SHAME and SELF HATRED....

I literally created (at least what *I* considered to be) a more palatable version of intrusive thoughts because I thought the reality of it was too horrible to give voice to. And I didn’t even REALIZE it.

... Huh.

Now I feel like I definitely need to do something about it.... But what?

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 3 years

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I need support/advice.

TW: ableism, racism, stalking, abusive relationships, incest, CSA, rape, emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, suicide attempt, transphobia

I don’t know how to feel like with my mom. I’m just so confused.

Because for so often I idealized her and thought she was the best thing ever.

My life has never been what anybody would consider very well. In my childhood, I actually didn’t have much of an opinion about my mom, since she was being abused by my dad the majority of the time he was home. And, even when he wasn’t, she mostly paid more attention to my twin sister, or at least that’s what I think. I have always been considered a daddy’s girl against my own will. Also, my mom seems to almost be in denial that I was also miserably abused by my father like her and my sister. Then again, I haven’t told people that my dad raped me multiple times and tried to sell me to sex work out of fear that nobody will believe me.

My sister’s abuse of me is only acknowledged by my sister. I remember that my mom even encouraged her to hit me with a textbook once because I made a sassy comment about knowing her favorite character would die in a video game. Whenever I try to bring it up, I get told to forgive my sister, something not even my sister wants me to do for her actions back then. This adult lasted until the two of us were sixteen years old and had no choice but to rely on each other. I was also made into a second mother of sorts for my sister, and always had to take care of her needs whenever nobody else could or would. It was exhausting.

When I was eleven, I was also groomed into an abusive relationship with my cousin, and at least my mom tried to put a stop to that even though she doesn’t fully realize that we were romantic before he tried to rape me multiple times and began stalking me (my mom even admits that she is a very naïve person and doesn't like to see the truth). I bring this up because I am being forced to move close by a lot of my abusive relatives by my mother, including my cousin who still wants me (I am 22 by the way and he’s a year older than me). Also, my mom refuses to stop talking about how she thinks it’s okay for cousins to date and marry even though I have told her multiple times it makes me severely uncomfortable since my grandparents almost forced me into marrying my cousin using legal loopholes.

My mom is also very ableist and racist. She continues to use the r slur around me even though I also keep telling her that I’m uncomfortable by it and it legit triggers me because of my severe school trauma. Also, makes a lot of hateful comments about people with Autism, and I have Autism but hide it from her (along with me hiding my OSDD because of her hateful comments towards systems). And she won’t stop talking about the typical racist talking points. Stealing jobs, being inferior, using slurs, etc. And, whenever I try to express my mixed Roma culture, she uses slurs and refuses to understand or listen to me when I tell her what she’s doing is wrong. With her views, I live in absolute terror every day that she’ll find out my true political beliefs, and this has been going on for six years.

My problems keep getting downplayed next to my sister’s, especially since when she tried to commit suicide but luckily didn’t succeed. I keep getting forced to do things and yelled at when I don’t. I keep getting told that I’m a burden and useless because I had to quit my job because of our move and my worsening mental health, then by told sorry later and bombarded with attention. I keep getting told I have to do everything for my sister, and we have a pretty codependent relationship. Also, I have been told for pretty much ever since I was a child that I was a waste of money and my mom especially loves bringing up that she went 10,000 dollars in debt during my middle and high school years to feed me.

I just...she’s the only person in my family that hasn’t been absolutely horrible to me. But now I have more exposure to the real world, people aren’t supposed to act this way. It’s more like my mom was the least bad option. I’m just so confused. Then again, I do have a really bad habit of sticking with abusive people until I finally snap out of it. Even now I feel guilty for telling the truth out of fear of making my mom look bad.

Sorry if this is a little bit too heavy for this blog. I just needed to put this out there somewhere. I don’t know what to do. If things get too bad with the moving situation, I do have a plan with one of my friends to move in with him, but that’s only if things get really bad. Because my family also likes to stalk people that try to leave them, make their lives absolutely horrible, and force them back.

If you want to know, I have OSDD, ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, CPTSD, OCD, AFRID, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Autism. I was also forced to stop therapy recently.

--Raven (she/they)

Also, I’m genderfluid and my mom is transphobic but thinks she’s not because she has a trans friend and uses the right pronouns. She, however, forced me to tell my trans friend’s dead name to her and doesn’t accept nonbinary and genderfluid people. Also she really hates pansexual people, and keeps trying to convince me I'm sexually attracted to others even though I'm openly panromantic asexual with her (but not openly genderfluid). And my mom really likes telling me stuff about her sexual habits that I do not need to know (she did this even when I was a kid).

Hi Raven,

I'm so, so sorry you're going through that. That sounds like such a difficult situation to be in and I appreciate your courage and vulnerability sharing that with us.

There's really a lot to unpack there, and a lot of really messed up and difficult things you've experienced. Your pain is valid, your frustration is valid, and your trauma is valid. You should not have had to go through all of that.

Are you able to move in with the friend even if the move doesn't go badly? Are there any support services in your area (you can google "family violence support resources [your location]") that you can access? They may be able to help you find things you need, and if your family tries to stalk you or force you back, they may be able to help you get a restraining order or find ways to hide from them/stop them from being able to find/contact you.

- Mod Allison

#trauma talks #tw ableism #tw stalking #tw abuse #tw CSA #tw SA #tw r #tw incest #tw transphobia #tw suicide #mod allison

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mottephobia-imagines · 4 years

Text

BNHA as Hetalia Characters (Axis + Allies only)

Hahahahaaaa.. I’m still Hetalia trash 😇

—

Mirio Togata as America

I first put Denki as America but then I saw a post and now I can’t stop thinking about BTT SeroKiriKami so yeah-

Mirio and America have more things in common other than being blond, blue-eyed precious beans that need to be protected

First of- s t r o n g. They’re both canonically some of the strongest characters in their respective series despite their relatively young ages (Mirio being above some pro-hero levels despite still being in high school and America being well America lmao)

Additionally, they both have drive; they have a determination to become as strong as they possibly could, and stop at nothing to get there

Also, they love helping people! Mirio wants to save a million smiles, and America is a self-proclaimed hero (who admittedly isn’t the best but he’s trying okay)

Both of them kinda also have a hidden intelligence? Like, as in one would never think of them to be highly intelligent people because they’re so goofy and energetic

Since it’s implied that both Tamaki and Mirio game in their free time, him and America are also avid gamers (imagine them playing smash together lmao I feel like they’d break all the controllers)

Both v v competitive too (not as much as the next duo tho)- they’ll never back down from a challenge and face it head on with all their might!

Also, they’re basically the blond boy of the month but it’s every month lmao

(In my eyes they’re both cute little golden retrievers shshsjdjskal)

In conclusion, they’re sunshines who deserve the world and more

Katsuki Bakugo as England

Okay fr hear me the fuck out-

I know it’s an unlikely pair

But they have their similarities just bear with me here

Yes, I was initially going to put in Romano for Bakugo (anger issues gang)

But then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that unlike Romano, he wouldn’t back away from a challenge or run at the slightest scare- Bakugo would take that shit and smother it into the ground

And while England may sometimes be portrayed as a prude gentleman type, we can’t forget his history- this man is probably one of, if not the most, ballsy countries to exist (at least back in his prime)

England is smart, calculated and cunning- how could you not be when you’ve conquered nearly the whole damn world?

He’s proud and maybe a bit too egotistical, and while lacking the anger issues and probably dead vocal cords of Bakugo, he sure as hell matches him in the pride and power aspect

Bakugo, on the other hand, is literally top of his class; boy is a nerd and has a perfect record

So he’s by no means any less smart than England, maybe a little more reckless, but he’s 16- you can’t exactly compare his mindset to a country’s

Even so he does act quickly on the battlefield, much like England assessed situations very precariously (most of the time)

Both of them would probably look an opponent dead in the eye and tell them to do it, bet you won’t pussy ass

On a lighter note tho, they’re two blond, spiky-haired tsunderes who are way to proud and smart for their own good

They also both listen to rock/punk so there’s that too

foreverfurrowedbrowclubTM

Aoyama Yuuga as France

I know I just said SeroKamiKiri is the BTT but once again hear me out

I couldn’t not put Aoyama in as France

It’s literally a match made in Heaven guys cmon

They’re both sparkling, flamboyant and fabulous blondies

Although sometimes their attitude can be interpreted as holier-than-thou, really they just know that they’re amazing and don’t care what people think (we stan confident kings 😤)

They also know that they deserve the best luxuries in life, and definitely won’t settle for anything else

In terms of courage, they’re pretty much on the same level; they get scared easily and will more than likely either back out of the challenge or give up the moment they feel tired

The difference is, France will never regain whatever bravery he had before the French Revolution, but Aoyama is slowly building his courage up in his journey to become a hero

They also take things in stride, willingly or unwillingly (whether it be an ugly outfit or a defeat, they won’t be a sore loser lmao)

While not necessarily flirty like France, Aoyama can still charm people with his whims. Also, their relationship towards people that they can’t charm kind of mirrors one another? (Might be reaching here lmao)

I do think though sometimes that Aoyama shows some similarities with Poland/2P!Romano, but he has the most similarities with France so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Toga Himiko as Russia

You may say she’s more like Belarus but nay nay I say

Belarus is the more kind of ‘stoic’ cruel in my mind; she doesn’t show much emotion besides annoyance and getting angry

Russia however

He’s ‘childishly’ cruel- looks innocent but is capable of some horrible, monstrous things.

Even though his face says otherwise, he does take some glee in torturing harming others (like, a lot)

Toga also does this, but in a much more obvious way lmao. She’s a villain, who drinks blood, there’s no doubt she hasn’t killed anyone. She also takes a lot more pleasure from hurting people than Russia does

They not that close with people, but the ones they are close to they are immensely protective of (Toga and the LOV, Russia and his sisters)

They also are capable of being highly intelligent, knowing more than what people think they know (Toga helping Twice our, and I high key headcanon Russia as a manipulative and cunning bastard who’s done many horrible things to people to get his way)

(I still love you Ivan)

I think this goes without saying but they’re really really violent

Russia just likes using his magic metal pipe of pain, and Toga likes her knives

They also have some really shitty pasts that have lead them to be who they are today

They may look cute on the outside, but they are oh so very cruel on the inside

Shota Aizawa as China

Haha, old man syndrome-

These two have more in common than you’d think

First off, they have that wisdom that comes with age, and are trying to get the younger ones to learn it (Aizawa does this better lmao)

I can totally see them complaining about ‘kids these days’ even tho they’ve done the same shit back then-

Along with wisdom comes cunning and craft. I headcanon China as a low key genius, so he’s probably on par with Aizawa, if not better (in terms of battle strategy and such)

Even though they come off as strict, all they really want is the best for their students/siblings

They’re both physically strong (China was probably once hella jacked, and Aizawa speaks for himself)

They do tire out quite easily tho so there’s that

Both have a penchant for cute animals like cats (Hello Kitty’s a cat don’t @ me)

On a darker note, they’ve both suffered losses of close friends. While China has definitely lost a lot more, Shirakumo’s ‘death’ still took a huge toll on him. Likewise, China has lost all his ancient friends over the years, making him the last one left (except turkey and Mongolia they don’t matter rn)

Tenya Iida as Germany

You cannot tell me this isn’t also a match made in heaven

They’re literally, at their very core, almost the exact same person

Iida is a stickler for rules- he follows every single one of them. Any and every. Pretty organized too, if I do say so myself

Likewise, Germany is also very strict with rules and regimens. He’s also canonically OCD so mans cannot stand messes (people or things)

It may make them seem like pains in the neck but really it’s the only way they know how to interact

Also have some angsty connections with their brothers

Although not as easily provoked as Germany, Iida can still be just as terrifying (mans tried to kill Stain I mean come on-)

As with nearly all of these characters, they’re both strong as hecc

Also, I feel like both of them are somewhat pressured by what their other family members have accomplished and want to achieve the same thing (Iida coming from a family of superheroes, and Germany really looking up to his father and brother and wanting to be like them but less yknow)

They don’t really know how to communicate well?? Like, of course they can talk and hold conversation but they have difficulty with most social interactions (it’s adorable)

More often than not the louder voice of reason within their friend group (Everyone in the Dekusquad besides Deku himself is the voice of reason lmao, and Germany is a no-nonsense kind of guy)

Smart bois (In Gakuen Hetalia, Germany is said to be one of the smartest students and tutors Italy, and Iida tries his best)

All in all very awkward and loud losers beans that need to learn how to not be so stiff lmao

Shoto Todoroki as Japan

Y’all already know I had to pair the introverts together

Calm, collected and reserved- these two mind their own business like it’s a sports championship lmao

Even though they may come off as intimidating sometimes, in reality they’re just shy and don’t really know the basics of social interaction (more than Germany and Iida lmao)

They’re both fairly strong, too (Todoroki with his icy hot quirk makes him one of the most OP characters in MHA imo, and Japan definitely doesn’t carry around a katana just for show)

Very very convoluted and not so great childhood (Think the sengoku period was Japan’s childhood so he was basically torn up as a kid while Todoroki had to deal with Endebitch)

Also both pretty smart??? Like, high key they’re both very intelligent and skilled

Both their friends are slowly helping them get out of that super duper introverted mindset, but the poor bbs are still trying to learn how to be a lot less stiffe

They’re also really into architecture esp traditional Japanese architecture (canon in both)

I honestly think they’d get along pretty well if they met, tbh

(Japan would get him into anime and manga and the bookworm in Todoroki can’t resist)

The strange circumstance of Italy

Honestly, I could not find anyone in MHA that was remotely similar to Italy

I was very close to putting in Mina or Nejire, since those two come to mind whenever I think of bright and bubbly (Maybe Kirishima too, but it just doesn’t fit)

So while those two are pretty much the most fitting I feel, they don’t completely encompass his character enough yonow?

Like, I genuinely cannot find anyone who is similar enough to compare him to

So for now, until I can find a suitable pick, Italy won’t have a MHA character to be paired up with 😔 sorry guys

—

What do you guys think? Do you agree or do you think different characters should be put in place?

If this gets enough notes, I might make a part 2 including female nations and the others (or whatever characters you guys request)

Requests are still open! You can ask for edits or character imagines/headcanons!

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