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hellfire--cult · 6 months

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toot toot

Eddie has a very important question for you - just eddie being a loving boyfriend with something i know we all struggle with as we enter a relationship (fem!reader) - self indulgent

a/n: idk man. i had this talk with @ghost-proofbaby and I was like, 'yeah, i should write this' and she agreed.

Wc: 1k

“Why don’t you fart in front of me?”

You almost spat the water you were drinking all over the book you were reading as you laid on his bed with your back propped up on the headboard.

“Eds, what?”

“You never fart in front of me.” He was dead serious, looking at you while his arms rested on his guitar, sitting at the end of the bed, his legs crossed. You were blinking at him as if he had just sprouted a leaf over his head.

“What are you going on about?”

“We’ve been dating for a whole year, and I have yet to hear a fart from you!” Your cheeks flushed in embarrassment and you shook your head, looking back at your book.

“And you never will.” He rolled his eyes at you and scooted a little closer with a little jump that made the bed move underneath you, making you jump and glare back up at him.

“I fart all the time with you, with sound, with no sound… I mean, we trust each other, and darling, I do know you hold them in.” Your mouth opened with an o shape, not believing the words coming out of your boyfriend’s lips.

The worst part, he was right.

You complained many times because of tummy aches, and you knew it was retained gas you weren’t letting out. You were just embarrassed about it. He didn’t care whenever he did it, and you didn’t either. You even laugh at some of his farts because they sound straight out of a cartoon, and sometimes, you die a little bit because they are deadly.

“I don’t feel comfortable doing it!” You retorted back, and he sighed in frustration, shaking his head again, putting the guitar to the side of his bed.

“I promise you, it’s normal, it’s natural, and the stigma of all the women being proper ladies is such bullshit.” You knew it was that as well. You were also afraid of it being too loud, or smelly, and just utterly repulsive to him to the point he would not be attracted to you in some way.

“I know it’s natural… But I still won’t ever fart in front of you.” He groaned loudly at your words.

“You’re impossible princess.”

“But you love me.” You grinned at him with a sway of your body and he smiled back at you and crawled towards you to plant a smooch right on your lips.

“That I do.”

But it wasn’t even a week later that you were both lying on bed again, and you both were laughing as Eddie told you a story about Steve completely fucking up his date with Heidi.

“He literally tumbled back when he saw a roach sneaking in front of him and he made her fall onto the fountain at the park! That’s why his face is fucking red!” Eddie was cracking up by now and your eyes were filled with tears as you laughed with him.

“Oh shit, she slapped him!?”

“Of course she did! It was a fucking roach! Not a goddamn monster or some shit!” You cracked up at that, and it was a bad idea, because your stomach had been contracting in pain and twisting for the past hour because you were holding your gas in.

You had tacos for dinner, and that was a very poor decision knowing that you were spending the night at Eddie’s, and knowing how the night might end. Everytime you held your gas in, sex was almost painful sometimes.

And now, with the laughter, with your belly going up and down against your stomach, it happened. And your laughter and his immediately seized, leaving the room completely quiet for a few seconds.

It was small, very thin, but it could be heard. Your face immediately heated up in embarrassment, and you turned to the other side, not being able to face him. Was he going to think you were disgusting? Not lady-like? Was it a boner killer? Why isn’t he saying anything–

“Oh, FUCK YES! I’VE BEEN SAVING THIS FOR THE OCCASION!” You felt him sit up on the bed and your eyebrows frowned, making you turn to look at him rummaging in his drawer from the night table. A small confetti popper in one hand and its string on the other. He pulled and the confetti exploded with a pop, startling you.

“What the hell Eddie–”

“Congrats on your first fart in front of me!” Your eyes were wide at his antic, but he had a wide smile on his face and you couldn’t believe your boyfriend got happy from you letting out an accidental fart from laughing so hard.

“It was an accident Eds!” You whined as you sat up next to him and you had a terrified look on your face and he shook his head, holding onto your face with both of his hands.

“It’s the first step! Next one is an intentional one, so come on darling, I know you’re holding it in~” He cooed and you pushed him away, shaking your head in utter embarrassment.

“You’re so weird Eddie… you don’t… find it disgusting?”

“Fuck no! Makes me happy you trust me enough to do it in front of me! Accidental or not!” He was smiling at you, and your heart fluttered as you stared at your loving boyfriend. You leaned towards him and pecked his lips softly, only to then shake your head.

“You’re insufferable.”

“But you love me.” He smiled at you and you couldn’t help but nod and lean in to kiss him again.

After that, you never do it intentionally, but now, if one escapes you by accident you are able to laugh it out with him.

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a/n: purely self indulgent plus WE CANT DENY EDDIE WOULDNT CELEBRATE OUR FIRST FART WITH HIM. ALSO, FARTING IS NATURAL.

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sunarc · 9 months

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All Mine

Synopsis: Atsumu knows the two of you are just friends with benefits but he is a jealous man and seeing Suna touch what’s his sends rage through his body. The next best thing to do is fuck you until his name is the only thing you know how to say.

Cw: smut, frat au, alcohol, cussing, breeding kink, easy access reader wearing skirt with no panties hehe, biting, dirty talk, fingering, jealous Atsumu, public sex technically (your in a bathroom) Atsumu is a cocky little shit at the end, afab reader, a little spanking, mentions of people listening in, unprotected sex, he calls the reader pretty, weird alcohol concoction

wc:2K

Atsumu can’t stand it. The way your eyes twinkle looking at him makes him feel physically sick. You’re smiling way too hard at him. Suna isn’t even that funny so what could he have possibly said to make you laugh so hard. He watched in disgust as your hand pushed against his shoulder in a playful manner.

“He’s not even that funny” he voiced to Hinata over the loud music.

“Here, drink this, it'll make you feel better.”

Hinata held out a cup filled with brown juice. He gave Atsumu a drunk yet eager smile waiting for him to try the concoction.

“What is this?” Atsumu unwillingly tore his eyes away from you and Suna to look at Hinata.

“I call it The Wicked Queef” Hinata nodded his head proud with the title. “Bokuto and I made it in the kitchen with something special.”

“I’d rather not drink something named after a pussy fart” Atsumu turned away to look back at the pair that previously held his attention only to see the two long gone.

“Shit” he walked off into a random direction in search of you with Hinata following closely behind.

“What is it? Did you want your own cup of Wicked Queef?”

Atsumu rolled his eyes. You were somewhere lost in the party, probably sucking faces with Suna. Atsumu felt his stomach churn and it wasn’t from the smell of Hinata and Bokuto’s weird mixture.

“No, it’s Y/N she’s with that assface and I need to find them” his words were rushed as he pushed through the crowd. He opened the door to a backyard patio to see stragglers smoking and chatting. The area was big with a firepit and empty seats surrounding it. Atsumu sat in a chair by the slowly dying fire with a frustrated sigh.

“You guys aren’t even dating so why do you care?” Hinata slurred the words. He stood in front of Atsumu, two stepping off beat to the music from inside.

Atsumu let out a frustrated groan. Of course he knew that the two of you weren’t officially a thing but that didn’t change how he felt. You were his and seeing you flirt with Suna of all people sent fury racing through his blood. He knew what he was doing the moment he made you ride him in the backseat of his car. You had him in a deep trance. Your perfect moans and the way you whimpered his name, Atsumu didn’t want you to ever moan the name of another person again. He leaned his head back groaning at the words.

“Does that really even matter?” he knew it mattered. You weren’t his to claim, so why was he so dead set on making that claim.

“Well yeah” Hinata stared at Atsumu with a blank stare. “It does matter because now your sitting out here jealous and grumpy”

“I’m not-” his words were cut off by the sliding door opening by none other than you.

There you stood smiling so brightly. How could a person be so pretty? Atsumu’s heart pattered in his chest. A small smile began to form on his face until a tall figure appeared close behind you following like a lap dog. He rolled his eyes and folded his arms in a childish pout.

“Why so grumpy?” you chuckled at him.

He looked up meeting your eyes. For a second all else disappeared. The tunes of an overplayed song faded away. The banter between Hinata and Suna about his weird juice disappeared and all that was left was you.

“Ya look really- oh” his eyes trailed your body to see the fingers wrapping around your shoulder.

A scowl formed on his face. Fucking Suna. He sat back in his chair watching the two of you laugh and banter. Atsumu’s eyes were almost hurting from rolling them so hard. After what seemed like hours you stood up declaring you were going to the bathroom. Atsumu’s eyes followed your figure before getting up and following you leaving Suna behind with Hinata.

“It’s called Wicked Queef you should try it” Hinata slurred to Suna

“It smells like shit”

Atsumu squeezed past the crowd, eyes never leaving you. You reached the bathroom up stairs but before you could close the door Atsumu’s hand pushed it wider following you inside. You smiled watching him close the door behind himself.

“I knew you were following me you creep”

Atsumu ignored your comment, instead pushing you up against the sink. His hand grabbed your jaw and directed your face towards his own. His breath fanned against your lips.

“So Suna?” his voice was deep and if you weren’t so close to him you probably wouldn’t have heard him.

You smirked at the rage in his eyes.

“Is someone jealous?” you didn’t need him to say it out loud. From the way he gripped your jaw to the way he pressed his lower half against you exposed everything you need to know.

Atsumu chuckled at your words.

“You must’ve forgotten” his words were paired with his free hand sliding up the skirt you were wearing to your core. “Let me help you remember” His fingers massaged a circle against your clit.

“No panties?” A shocked look flashed across his face.

His lips attached to your neck sucking recklessly.

You let out a vibrant moan as he shoved two thick fingers into your already leaking hole. His fingers rocked back and forth at an achingly slow pace. You pulled his body impossibly closer as moans fell past your lips.

“Please Sumu, faster” you pleaded.

Atsumu ignored your words humming at the desperation in your voice. His fingers danced against your gummy walls leaving you a shaking mess. You moved your hips against his hand matching his movements. You leaned your head back against the mirror behind you. Whimpers flowed past your lips. You felt yourself growing closer to a release.

“Go ahead, cum on my fingers , I can feel you getting close.”

His words were like music to your ears. You were a stuttering mess feeling his fingers fuck you through your orgasm. Atsumu pulled his fingers from you and brought them to his lips. His eyes met yours as he sucked his fingers, licking the mess you had left behind. His fingers left his plump lips with a line of drool following. His rough hands pulled your shirt up revealing your chest and tossed it behind him. You would have yelled at him for throwing your shirt on a frat party floor but before you could speak he turned you around and bent you over the sink. He pulled your skirt down leaving it to pool at your ankles.You whined at the roughness but your whines were met with a harsh smack to your ass. Atsumu’s hands massaged the fat of your ass, spreading them and smacking your cheeks. He unzipped his pants to pull his cock free. He liked this feeling of power, having you completely naked for him, your cunt drooling for his cock.

“This what you wanted hm?” he questioned as he rubbed his cock between your folds. “Wanted me to fuck this pretty pussy huh?”

You whined at his words.

“You know what I want” His cock prodded at your hole. He slowly dipped the tip of his cock into you.

“I want you to scream my name while I fuck this sloppy hole” with that he pushed himself into you without warning.

His cock plunged in and out of your hole mercilessly. You moaned his name voice barely above a whisper.Atsumu loved a good challenge, he was determined to hear you scream.

He groaned at the feeling of you sucking him in. Your wet walls seemed to clench around him each time he pushed himself into you. Your hands grabbed at the sink as an attempt to hold yourself up. Atsumu’s hips slammed against you at a quick pace. You pushed your body up from the sink.

“Fuck ‘tsumu feels so good”

He pushed you back down against the sink. His hand came up to your hair gripping it just enough for you to lift your head. His other hand was pressed against your back deepening your arch.

“Yea?” he chuckled

“Scream my name” his voice was rough as he fucked you. “Let them know who’s making you feel this good.

He felt himself becoming more and more territorial as his name echoed from your mouth like a chorus. He leaned his head back, pleased from the sex and your voice . A smile spread across his face as he thought of all the possible ears pressed against the door listening to him take his claim over you.

“Tell them” he growled “Tell them who this pussy belongs to”

He bullied his cock so deep into you your eyes were rolling back and you began to slur his name. It was as if it was the only thing left in your vocabulary. The stretch felt so good you felt your legs growing weak. Atsumu’s hands moved down to your hips pulling you down onto his cock.

“That’s it” his eyes watched the way your ass recoiled from the rough thrust. “Take this cock baby” he groaned.

He clawed at your skin leaving his own personal print on you.

“ ‘Tsumu I-I’m gonna”

“Go ahead cum on my cock baby, make a fucking mess”

Your legs trembled as you reached your release. You moaned and pushed yourself back onto his cock. His grip on your hips tightened . He rocked his hips back and forth and quickened his pace. His eyes were trained on where the two of you met. He was so focused his mouth hung open with drool dripping down the side of his mouth. Your cunt felt so delicious pulling him in.

“Mine” he growled. His thrust grew sloppier yet rougher

“Mine” he chanted the word with each thrust.

He leaned down, biting your shoulder as his orgasm neared.

“You’re mine” he groaned the words into your ear “Don't ever forget that”

His stilled his movements moaning your name, allowing his cum to spill inside you. Atsumu pressed his lips to your shoulder and pulled himself from you with a satisfied sigh. He watched you trying to catch your breath still leaning against the bathroom sink. You looked so pretty with his cum dripping down your thigh. Atsumu fixed his pants and pulled your skirt back up before grabbing your shirt that laid tossed on the floor. He handed you the shirt with a soft smile. You reached for it only for him to pull it back with a smirk.

“You can go back to Suna if you want” he placed the shirt in your hand smiling at your shocked face “But don’t you dare forget whose cum is dripping down those pretty thighs of yours”

He pressed his lips against yours giving you a passionate kiss. He stood up and walked towards the door and turned around with a devilish smirk.

“And don’t try to clean up my little mess, keep it wet for me okay?” he gave you a small wave with an innocent smile “ Enjoy the party pretty”

#atsumu x reader #atsumu smut #Miya Atsumu #atsumu #atsumu x y/n #atsumu fic #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu smut #angelshubnetwork

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talesfrommedinastation · 4 months

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My redneck neighbor Doug on the Jedi in 'The Clone Wars'

Y'all have asked, and Dr. Meat Muffin might be a disgruntled old hag that chugs too much Trader Joe’s bourbon and doodles too much subpar art, but she keeps her promises!

Just so y’all know, if you’re a major character (Anakin, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, etc) you keep your name, because it was drilled into Doug’s head over 8 seasons of Clone Wars and the movies. Everyone else, though, Doug gave up and created his own catchphrases for them.

CW: This one's not as spicy as Doug's previous rants regarding Star Wars, but y'all know if y'all know. "It'll all come out in the wash."

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Plo Koon: Ah, Shrimp Daddy. He looks like a shrimp that’s been boiled and left in the sun after a potluck. But my wife LOVES him, she says he has the nicest voice and she wishes he’d narrate some books. I loved him too, he was my favorite. That scene where he tells his clone boys in space that they’re important to him? Ah great. They should have him lead HR meetings.

Aayla Secura: Babe-the-Blue-Jedi. They sent her away from the Temple because Yoda didn’t want that hotness distracting everyone. Is she and Miguel (Bly?!) dating? They are, right?

Kit Fisto: Reggae Swamp Thing. Tell me that boy don't look like he lives in the Atchafalaya and bangs on the steel drums all day. I wonder if he stole those shorts from Michael Phelps. He’s cool but does he need to have a tank to swim in on his ship? Does he have gills? I need more info on this guy.

Adi Gallia: Storm’s Cousin. Doesn’t this chick look like her? She does, right? Maybe she's a Jedi cause she can't control the weather. Didn’t Maul’s brother Saul impale her on his horns and that’s how she died?* Why didn’t Maul do that to Obi-Wan? Maul was obsessed with Obi-Wan, do you think it’s because he had a crush on him after he sliced him in half?

(Doug also ships Obi-Wan with Maul now? IS THERE ANYONE WHO DOUG DOESN'T SHIP OBI-WAN WITH?!)

Shaak-Ti: Ahsoka’s Aunt. They’re totally related. (“No, they’re not.” “Says who?” “Um, EVERYONE?!”) She’s cool, nice to the clone boys. I like her horns.

Saesee Tiin : Angry Bull Boy. He looks like a minotaur whose daddy left him at a Wal-Mart instead of the Labyrinth after drinking too much.

Deepa Billaba: My Coworker Anu. Seriously! She looks JUST LIKE HER. I even texted her a screenshot, and she used that as her Slack Channel picture for the longest time. Nice lady, she's a good master to Lil Kanan. Hm, Lil Kanan sounds like a rap person my niece would listen to.

Ki-Adi-Mundi: Mutant-Mall-Santa. Look me dead ass in the eye and tell me the man don’t look like he was supposed to hand out presents and ask kids what they want for Christmas and ended up hanging out in toxic waste instead. He's a snotty asshole, I don't like him, he thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.

Luminara Undali: Lady-in-Drape. She’s a green lady, and she wears a drape. Meat Muffin, I'm tired and it's about to snow.

Barriss Offee: Little Lady-in-Drape. Man, she was awful, but she had good points, ya know? Kind of like Darth Maul. Do you think Darth Maul and Obi-Wan ever dated? Or would Obi-Wan’s boyfriend get jealous?

Quinlan Voss: College-Hippie-Boy. Doesn’t he just look like one of those goofs that fart around with hackysacks all day long? I'd buy weed from him if he was selling, he looks like an exporter and consumer, if you know what I mean.

Even Piall: Dobby the House Jedi. Man he looks like he was on his way to help Harry Potter or something and ended up in a bathrobe with a light saber. Ah well.

*= Savage is ‘Saul’ and Feral is ‘Paul’. So it’s Maul, Saul, and Paul. I strained a muscle laughing when I got this.

Tagging my Redneck Doug stans here! @amalthiaph @sued134 @eyecandyeoz @thecoffeelorian @merkitty49 @megmca @skellymomam I missing anyone?

Let me know if I missed any Jedi, those were the ones that came up that Doug didn't immediately recognize.

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skellymom · 4 months

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“Who Delt It?”

The THIRD Bad Batch Comedy One Shot in the ONE SHIT SERIES!

To read #2 in the series:

https://www.tumblr.com/skellymom/740278235151106049/bombs-away?source=share

Background: Five people on a small ship with one bathroom. Need I say more?

Word count: 392 words

Warning: Farts, stinky humor, pretty tame stuff for Tumblr

“Well, I’m ready for a nap!” Echo leaned back in the co-pilot's seat and closed his eyes.

“Likewise. Unfortunately, the Marauder won’t fly herself.” Tech sipped his caf enthusiastically, firing up the ship to take off.

The Batch had just finished a mission on an Outer Rim planet and made friends with the locals there. The locals insisted they share a huge cauldron of stew the community ate together...

...unfortunately, it ran through EVERYONE in the squad by varying degrees and resulted in some...flatulence.

“OOF! WHAT THE KRIFF??? WRECKER!!!” Echo screwed up his face in utter disgust.

“HEEYY, it wasn’t ME!”

“You ALWAYS state that Wrecker. Whomever smelt it is NOT definitive proof of whomever delt it.” Tech pinched his nose while speaking, his voice sounding comical with a partially obstructed airway.

Echo frantically waved the offending vapors away, “BLEH!” More dramatic facial expressions.

Wrecker sat angrily, arms crossed, sulking he had been wrongly blamed.

At that moment Hunter emerged from the fresher, clearly not “privy” to the current conversation, “You know lads, I...” He stopped DEAD, sniffed, coughed, choked, eyes starting to water. “WHAT THE SUN BAKED BANTHA TURD IS THAT???”

“Wrecker farted!” Echo fanned his face and grimaced.

“No... cough...can’t be...cough. Doesn’t have the same smell. Undertones are ALL wrong.” Hunter now had his “Tracker Face” on trying to discern the source of the stench.

“What! You can IDENTIFY people’s farts by their SMELL???” Echo was incredulous.

Tech interjected “Of course. Hunter IS known for his enhanced sense of smell. That is how Crosshair became LEGENDARY for his flatulence. He earned the ‘Silent But Deadly” moniker. No matter what mission we were on, or who we served with: The 212th, 501st, Coruscant Guard, or any other. Hunter never failed to pick out Crosshair with a shipload of Republic ration eating clones.”

Hunter chuckled, “Got to be a game for Crosshair after awhile. Silently drop one and watch all the Regs get mad at each other for stinking the place up. He was proud of it really...but Crosshair ain’t here.” Hunter turned to look at the offending party.

Everyone else turned to face Omega, silently sitting next to Wrecker hand over her nose and mouth.

“SORRY!” She yelled embarrassingly, jumped off the chair, ran to the refresher, and slammed the door.

Wrecker threw up his hands, “GEEZ! I CAN’T CATCH A BREAK WITH YOU GUYS!!!”

PLEASE like, comment, and/or REBLOG!

(Please let me know if you want ON or OFF the taglist. Thanks!)

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bringbacktim · 9 months

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Tit fuck-jschlatt

Synopsis: road head/boob fuck in the tesla

Warnings:road head , blowjobs , 1 degrading name (slut) , one nickname(baby) , spitting , saliva , mention of boobs , dick , prick , cock , cum , jizz , use of y/n , ted gets mentioned , gagging, gagging on fingers

Not edited or proofread

WC-1.3k words

Smut under the cut

Schlatt's rental period of the lime green Tesla was coming to an end and he had been dying to try something since he discovered how much legroom the drivers side had

"Can I fuck your tits right now"

He asked not taking his eyes off of the highway he was driving on

"Like right now in this car?" She asked turning to face him

"I'm not hearing a no" he said trying to find somewhere to pull over

"I can tell by that tone you've been itching to ask me"

She was going to let him do whatever he wanted truth be told, he was always one to help her live out any and all of her fantasies

"Ted is going to know what we've been doing when we get there" she laughed not caring

"When has that ever stopped us" he said parking up and getting out of the car as she followed

"Do you always have this much legroom , I could curl up and take a nap and you would still be able to use the pedals" she said getting in the car trying not to hit her head on the steering wheel

"Sorry not all of us hug the wheel when we drive" he laughed as he got in after her not believing she actually agreed

"Sorry not all of us are 9 foot 5" she said pulling at the ends of her t shirt wishing she had taken it off before hand

"Do you want to get out and do that instead of dislocating something" he said seeing her struggle

"I swear to god if someone see's me you're a dead man" she laughed knowing how many embarrassing moment compilations they had on YouTube

"Don't flash the highway then" he joked as they both got out and he made sure to shield her from any unwanted eyes

As they once again climbed in the Tesla, he accidentally (on purpose) pressed the horn to scare her so he could laugh and just cause he thought it was funny that the car farted

"Bra on or off?" She asked looking up at him

"Off , I want to feel boob not bra"

"You have such a way with words" she said laughing as she reached behind her and unclasped her bra putting it on the passengers seat not wanting it to get dirty on the floor beneath her

"I'm so thankful for auto pilot right now , don't even have to take my eyes off of those pretty tits" he said mouth practically watering

She could tell just how thankful he was when she unzipped his zipper and freed his aching cock from its restraints , it already leaking pre cum

Friction burn wasn't on the list of things y/n wanted so she decided to just suck him off a little bit so it would be less skin against skin

"Don't make a mess and drool everywhere like you always do" he scolded knowing what she was like

"I only drool because there's no more room in my mouth for my saliva" she said remembering all the times he'd told her how pretty she looked lips turning white from being so stretched out and full of him

He breathlessly laughed and pushed her head down further in response, cock twitching as she gagged and tears began to form in her eyes

After a few more minutes of the sloppy blowjob , it was almost time for his wish

"What are you waiting for?" he asked confused as to why she was just sat there looking up at him all doe eyed

"Didn't know if you could help make sure I don't get friction burn" y/n tried to say in the most innocent way

"If you want me to cover you in my spit all you had to do was ask baby" he said spitting into his hand and smearing it over her chest as she sat still and let him

He took it a step further when he just didn't bother with his hand anymore because he wanted to see it roll down her chest before he made a mess

"I know how much you love my fingers in your mouth so here's a treat for me and you" you could barely process the words before his digits made their way into your mouth and practically down your throat

They stayed there for a solid 3 and a half seconds until she gagged and the saliva that covered her was her own while he fisted his erection at the sight

"I said don't make a mess and here you are dripping in spit and saliva eagerly waiting for me to fuck your tits, what a good slut" he lightly scoffed at the end

"Please hurry" y/n practically whined as she pushed her chest out

Schlatt wasn't one to follow the rules, until now ,as he slid his prick in between the warm wet supple skin that was his girlfriend's boobs, he almost came then and there before she'd even started to move just from the feeling alone

He threw his head back eyes shut as he thanked every God out there for letting him experience this . He also thanked whoever invented the autopilot feature in the car he was in

When y/n pressed her cleavage together to basically trap his dick in (with great difficulty due to the sheer thickness of it) schlatt swore he was in a different dimension as he moaned out , not caring if anyone saw as they drove past.

"Don't you dare jizz on me and make a mess" she scolded knowing he would get too overwhelmed by how good he was feeling and forget that they were headed to Ted's house to film and didn't have time to stop and clean up

"I f-fuck " were the only words he could get out as he took a glance at the road making sure they were still on track "be sure to catch it in your holy shit your mouth then" she attempted to see if she could get atleast the head in her mouth while he was thrusting between her breasts

When y/n realized that she in fact could and wouldn't make a mess in the rental car , she began trying to bounce to see if that would make him cum quicker

"Ohh my fuckk, you're like a pornstar" he said thrusting quicker as he felt himself get closer to cumming

Just to make sure that none of his jizz got anywhere other than her mouth she circled back to giving him a blowjob knowing how much he loved to fuck her face

So there y/n sat inbetween her boyfriends legs in the rental tesla obediently waiting for her boyfriend to finish using her face as a fucktoy and come down her throat so she could probably get fingered in the passenger seat as a reward

Clearly underestimating how pent up he was , she could barely swallow as fast as he was spurting it into her mouth and down her throat as he gripped her hair and roughly moved her back and forth on his dick

After it was done , everyone was cleaned up mentally taken care of and they had checked for any mess schlatt turned to his incredible girlfriend in the passenger seat next to him and said "let's hope the next gas station has some frebreeze"

"And some baby wipes" she agreed as she grimaced at how gross and sticky she felt , but seeing schlatt so happy (from the dopamine's obviously) was worth the mess

#jschlatt smut #jschlatt imagine #schlatt #schlatt x reader #jschlatt imagines #jschlatt x y/n #ted nivison #jschlatt x you #jschlatt x reader

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bonebabbles · 2 months

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Slash's Famous Scene

Here we are, lads. Everyone's favorite scene in the totally best arc of WC. The one where Slash pins a pregnant woman to the ground and licks her face, while threatening her fetuses and cutting her cheek open so Clear Sky can have more man pain.

So far I've been using "fridging" as synonymous with the brutal killing of a female character to advance a male character's arc; but I do want to remind everyone that the term "fridging" describes disproportionate violence done to women in the service of their husband/brother/father/son's arcs. It doesn't HAVE to be death; it can also be battery, maiming, depowering, or sexual assault.

So far, 8 women have died to serve male arcs, most of them for Clear Sky specifically. Fluttering Bird, Bright Stream, Storm, Misty, Bumble, Turtle Tail, Rainswept Flower, and Petal. Now Star Flower gets sexually harassed and kidnapped, bringing the arc's fridge total to 9.

Anyway content warning, obviously. It's still Warrior Cats and doesn't get too graphic, but this bag contains a dead dove.

First, Clear Sky gets another toesucking from the ghost of his wife who died after leaving his controlling ass. Specifically, after he threw his disabled brother out of his Clan, and after his lust for seeing random people (including his brother) get mauled at the border resulted in the death of Fox.

She tells him that his behavior never drove anyone away, it was all totally not his fault. I'm waiting for a laugh track and it never comes. The apologetics in this arc are unrivaled.

Then, Clear Sky wakes up and his pregnant wife is not next to him. So he goes looking for her and sees her being flanked by Slash and his memorable minions, Grunt 1 and Grunt 2. Star Flower is so possessed by fear that she doesn't move.

They REALLY need to sell that Slash is TRUE evil, PURE evil, because of the wet fart that is Clear Sky's redemption arc. They're saying that Clear Sky ISN'T bad, because he is not this. A dirty, sadistic monster who coos evilly about how he's going to hurt the kittens in his wife's belly and cruelly twitches his whiskers.

(as a petty side detail, please also note that this passage cannot even keep Slash's fur color straight. Behold, a cat so evil that he cannot even remain a brown tabby! He turns gray when he commits nefarious deeds! Ashfurification included!)

Star Flower is the one being pinned to the ground and having her face cut open as Slash screams about how she promised her father she'd be his mate, but this scene is about Clear Sky's distress. Star Flower is an object to this narrative, which these two men are in conflict over.

The pinning, the violence, the sexual implications, are being done to make Slash as monstrous as possible to contrast to Clear Sky. Slash doesn't kill anyone, so the narrative needs to make you SO UPSET your emotions are thrown into overdrive, so you'll accept how truly terrible he is.

The simple truth that this rancid book is trying to make you ignore, is that Clear Sky is exponentially more deadly. He has caused harm so unspeakable that they have to describe his bloody murders in passive voice. They "died" now, instead of "were killed," and the violent system he created is presented as "making up" for the trauma he's caused to the survivors.

"Pushing his muzzle close to her injured cheek, he licked the blood from her fur with a long, lingering lap."

Think critically about the characters they are presenting and the actions they make them do. None of these are real people. They are writing choices. They have portrayed Slash as a perverted, domineering, child-abusing savage, so Clear Sky the Settler can look good in comparison.

then Star Flower gets dragged off, kicking and struggling, feeble and completely unable to defend herself as clear sky thinks about how she might die along with his fetuses.

Obviously Clear Sky is so very stressed out by all this and needs to blow off some steam, so he smacks the nearest woman and starts screeching about how Star Flower is more loyal than the son he abuses

The first thing he does after the Slash event was physically assault the nearest woman. I can't... I don't have the words. Are you seeing this. Do you see what I am fucking dealing with. literally the first woman he sees.

"DOES THAT FEEL LIKE AN ACT??" He bellowed like a fucking wifebeater at the girl whose face is bleeding because he cut her in a fit of rage. That's fine as long as you don't lustfully lick it afterwards I guess!!!

#dotc hate #bones reads dotc #Slash dotc #this arc is going to END me #ill also get into how slash's description of events is a lie #but the fact he is a liar and pulling a bluff is a plot point later #Starf is around the same age as Thunder based on her order of events and Clear describes her as 'young'#Starf also does not lie. They talk about 'manipulation' and 'betrayal' but no. she's very honest #the only misleading she ever does is through vagueness like when thunder asks her 'do you know one eye'#and she says 'yes' but doesn't elaborate #a woman will have absolutely no choice in her actions and do nothing wrong by telling her dad about an assassination attempt #and the writers will put that on the same level as a man who beats kids and kills women and commits war crimes

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gallusrostromegalus · 11 months

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How do Hisagi and Kira cope with all the chaos Tousen and Gin wind up causing?

So my concept of this is based off these panels in the Manga, where Shuuhei realizes just how much work goes into running the Ninth Division:

(I love Jushiro's r u fuckin' serious? face here lol)

From the interlude between major battles in the middle of the Arrancar arc, in a cafe in seireitei:

*****

Kira sat in awkward silence as his friend and mentor bawled into his shoulder.

"EVERYTHING! I SWEAR, HE WAS DOING EV-ER-Y-THING!!" Shuuhei wailed. Five drinks in and the teetering walls of Shuuhei's stoic facade has crumbled like day-old cookies. "Managing all our contacts and sources, writing in the cultural articles as needed, keeping the presses stocked and in working order, wrangling the other captains to actually submit their reports, keeping the filing up-to-date- He was even writing the crossword every week!"

"It's uh. It's been a change for me too." Kira mumbled, awkwardly patting his shoulder. Across the table, Rangiku has assumed a facade of gentle sympathy as she waited for the storm of emotions to blow over.

"WHY?" Shuuhei demanded, sitting back up. "WHY DIDN'T HE ASK FOR HELP? The workload must have been killing him- it's killing ME and I read at least twice as fast as he ever did! Did he just... Not Sleep?"

"Well, perhaps he found the tasks he had delegated to you to be difficult for him, but the stuff you're struggling with was easy for him?" Kira tried, optimistically.

"No, that can't be it- It's almost the same work, just more of it." Shuuhei sniffled. "Did- did he not TRUST me to handle the workload? He was always a stickler for details- was- am I not good enough?"

"There's also the whole Treason thing." Rangiku pointed out, unhelpfully. "If I were plotting to overthrow the government, I'd take on extra paperwork to keep it quiet."

Shuuhei slumped over the table, contemplating the thought despondently. "...Was I not good enough to take wi-?"

"-You finish that sentence and I'll break this bottle right over your skull." Rangiku threatened. "You were TOO Good for him to make you an offer like that. If anything he knew you'd do the right thing and turn him in."

Shuuhei sniffled, unconvinced.

"How are you holding up Blondie?" Rangiku changed the conversation with the gracelessness but irrefutable power of an ox.

Kira considered her question, chewing his lip awkwardly. "I... Well I don't know how to say this delicately but, um-" he glanced down nervously at Shuuhei, who at least looked like he couldn't get MORE miserable. "-It's actually been kinda great."

Shuuhei stared up at him from the table, scandalized, and Rangiku barked a laugh loud enough to make the room ring.

"Gin was a...hands off sort of manager. He would always back up whatever we decided to do of course- Heck, he crossed swords with the old fart that runs the Fon Clan for us once, but ah... well. As annoying as him being largely absent was, he was worse when he decided to help." Kira sighed.

"THAT'S GIN!" Rangiku cackled. "I swear talking to him was like talking to someone from a different dimension sometimes- not a damn clue how anything worked."

"Yeah..." Kira smiled weakly. "We had a secret staff calendar to make sure he'd be occupied with something if we had a REALLY important project going on, which probably should have been indicative of something, now that I say it out loud."

"It's indicative of a crap manager, which is a far cry from treason, even if both should be hanging offenses." nodded Rangiku. "Speaking of management- Any idea when you lads are going to take the captain's exam?"

"What?!" Both yelped, startled.

"ME? CAPTAIN! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Kira shrieked, laughing nervously like a Hyena.

"Nononono-" Shuuhei waved. "I'm half-dead running things as is, and Tousen left things relatively tidy- Apparently Aizen absolutely TRASHED the fifth division's filing and casework on the way out and it's bedlam over there. For all his other sins, Capt- Tousen at least finished payroll out until the middle of November." Shuuhei shrugged.

Rangiku blinked at what Shuuhei said, confused, but was distracted by the sudden arrival of more friends.

"Hi Rangiku-Chan!" Orihime waved from the door, out of breath and lightly singed from training with Rukia, who followed her in, looking equally gleefully disheveled.

"HEY GIIIIRL!" Rangiku squealed with delight, waving for Orihime to come over for a hug, and the girl practically tackled her. "Oof- How's training?"

"She can throw any Hado up to the mid-seventies right back at me now!" Rukia panted, delighted. "We're gonna start on Bakudo tomorrow, to give myself a break."

"-And Miss Rukia has been casting Hado in the 80's and a 90th level one without incantations, so I can't predict what the next attack is be like!" Orihime bounced with excitement.

"Sorry you're doing fucking what?" Kira gaped as Rukia sat down next to him, looking more than a little smug.

"Casting without incantations Kira, try to keep up!" She teased.

"Goddamn." Muttered Shuuhei. "All I've been doing is drowning in paperwork and failing to drown my sorrows."

"Oh no!" gasped Orihime, joining them at the table. "What's wrong?"

"Besides the everything?" Kira laughed darkly. "Apparently Tousen had been doing like 90% of the Ninth Division's Work and now Shuuhei is playing catch-up."

"Oh, wow." Orihime nodded, patting Shuuhei's shoulder sympathetically. "-that's a lot of work! And with his Spinal Implants too!"

The table blinked at Orihime, confused.

"...what spinal implants?" Shuuhei asked, peeling himself off the table and staring at her.

"Oh! oh no, I didn't mean to blab medical information-" Orihime waved.

"Traitors aren't covered by HIPPA, What Spinal Implants?" Shuuhei demanded, calmly but firmly grabbing her by the shoulders to stress the seriousness of the situation.

"I- um, well- When I was being attacked by Mayuri-Taicho, um, Mr. Tousen stepped in and- well frankly, he saved my life!" Orihime mumbled. "But- he lost his um, what do you call it-? The white jacket? and the back of his uniform had been ripped open so I got a pretty good look at his spine and honestly I thought it was some kind of weird body piercing thing at first but when I asked he got really cagey for a bit and said something about 'spinal implants' but MAN, they looked like they had to have HURT, not to mention the big scars on his shoulders..."

The assembled shinigami shared wary looks.

"...Okay, you're not in trouble. In fact, you might be doing us a big favor." Rangiku gently put her hands on Orihime's. "-But I need to you be totally honest about what you saw, or didn't see, or what you think you might have seen but aren't totally sure about, okay?"

Orihime nodded.

"-Did you, at any point, see Aizen's sword, or think you saw one of it's attacks?" Rangiku asked, eyes focused on the girl in a way that reminded her uncomfortably of being stalked by a leopard at the zoo as a small child.

Orihime thought carefully. "I- um. I saw the big Kido spell he launched right before he and Mr. Gin and Mr. Tousen went through that portal- he was really far away, but I don't think he had his sword out. I couldn't actually see what he looked like, just where the light was coming from? It's kind of embarrassing, but I still don't know what this Aizen guy actually looks like?"

"Oh my god." Realized Rukia. "He didn't take Kyoga Suigetsu out the whole time he was at the execution grounds. If Orihime hadn't seen him before then, she was never under his illusion."

"Rukia, sketchbook." Rangiku demanded, hand out and Rukia rifled through her pockets for the book and a handful of pens. "Alright Orihime- do you think you can draw what you saw on Tousen's back?"

"Oh! yeah, I think I can do that!" She nodded.

"Remember, only draw what you're really, really sure you saw- no adding details!" Rukia prompted, remembering The Orihiminator form her art midterms.

"Right! Um- well, if this is his back-" She drew an outline of a human back, noting were his spine and shoulders were. "-there were these like? Little iron nails? Going up in pairs on either side of his spine. I'm not totally sure, but I'm like... 98% sure there was one pair for every vertebra. His hakama and scarf were in the way so I don't know how far up and down the went, but it looked like his entire spine? and then there was this bright red thread woven and tied in really elaborate knots between them- Um. I'm not sure how exactly, but it was something like this- if I saw pictures I'd be able to point the pattern out again." She explained, continuing the illustration.

"-And then on his shoulders there were a pair of Kanji that had been like- carved into his skin? They were bright red, like they were infected or maybe that's what they look like when he'd been running? but um- yeah, it was "Silence" on his left shoulder, and "Obedience" on his right- Like this!" She said, holding up the drawing.

The shinigami, as a group, turned white. Rukia slapped a hand over her mouth that only sort-of stifled the scream she let out. Kira started to shake and Shuuhei got up and leaned out the window like he might be sick.

"...They weren't medical implants like he said, were they?" Orihime winced.

Rukia reached over and gently pushed the drawing down so it was facedown on the table. "That's. um. That's a Curse Orihime. That's a really, really nasty curse." She explained gently.

"Shuuhei-" said Rangiku, frowning. "You said that Tousen had finished the Payroll, right?"

"Yeah, out to the middle of November." Nodded Shuuhei, still looking green. "Weirdest thing- he ended it on the thirteenth, a Teusday. Totally not like him."

"-Its also really weird for a guy who is allegedly planning on committing treason to make life easy for the people he's leaving behind by finishing out the payroll." Explained Rangiku, taking out her communicator and Dialing. "Shuuhei- I want you to go back to the Ninth and see what other work he finished that doesn't make sense, and keep track of the dates he finished them out to, Kira- you do the same for the Third Division. That Teusday thing is bothering me. Rukia- I need you to go find someone from the Kido Corps and meet me at the First Division. Orihime- you're with me."

"Yessir!" The three lieutenants jumped to their feet and took off as Rangiku finished placing the call.

"-Sasakibe-San?" She asked when the line clicked on. "Sorry to disturb you, but I think Miss Orihime has discovered something of critical importance. Can I meet you and Yamamoto-Sotiacho at the first division? Now?"

#an elephant is warm and mushy #AEIWAM #Bleach #Bleach fanfic #matsumoto rangiku #orihime inoue #shuhei hisagi #kira izuru #rukia kuchiki #long post

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strawberrybyers · 6 months

Text

since it’s stranger things day, let’s take some time to reflect on a few facts

mike describes to will that meeting el was “simple dumb luck” but then when he’s encouraged by will to talk to el from the heart, he tells her meeting her was one of the best days of his life…??? when mike is in the van talking to will; he is speaking from the HEART. he is saying exactly what he feels also without saying it directly. go back and watch the van scene again. the tone and pace mike is speaking at shows this is something he’s been feeling for awhile and it bothers him.

just a little reminder that mike, lucas, and dustin were in the woods LOOKING FOR WILL! they stumbled upon el and when she gave an inkling that she knew something about will, mike wanted her to stay. he was quick to abandon her when they see will’s “body” get retrieved from the lake. mike is PISSED. he feels betrayed because he felt like el was his only hope to finding will, but instead there is no hope as he now believes will is dead. el had hope in mike as she felt like she could be a “normal” girl with him. she’s experiencing a type of kindness and care that she has never received before until mike reacts the way he does when they go to the lake. remember, el’s upbringing has been centered around transactional relationships. she has never just “received” kindness because someone felt like it. everybody has always had a goal when it came to el. it’s not that mike is a bad person or he did anything wrong for wanting el around to find will. i mean, hell, who wouldn’t want to keep someone around who has info on their missing best friend?? but just interesting when you think about this in the context of how mike and dr. brenner have been paralleled before. more apparent when they literally show a scene in season 4 of when mike asks el “what did you do?” and they follow up with a scene of papa asking the same thing. all i’m saying is—is that mike and el’s relationship didn’t start because of “love at first sight” like mike claims in his “love confession” to her. we literally see how their relationship came to be. just to rewatch season 1 and you’ll see it for yourself.

when will is missing, the only thing that is on mike’s mind is will. if someone mentions will, he defends him. he spends the entire fucking season looking for him and convincing everyone that he is NOT DEAD. in season 2, when el is “missing” from his life, yeah, he’s concerned, but once again HE IS FOCUSED ON WILL. where is he the entire time in season 2? oh yeah, that’s right by will’s side!! even after el walks through the door, his main goal is still helping will!! i’m not saying this to give some impression he doesn’t care about el because i think he does, but not on the same scale as will!

in season 3, mike and el break up. all it took was max to show el a friendship that is not transactional to realize “oh wait maybe i don’t need a boyfriend?”. mike and el’s breakup is actually pretty significant to both of their characters. watching how they both handle the breakup is a testament to what their characters are actually feeling. the breakup for el shows her yearn for independence once again. the breakup for mike shows that maybe he wasn’t in the relationship for the right reasons? shows how he ONCE AGAIN prioritizes will’s feelings?? el breaks up with him and he lays on the couch burping and farting, but him and will get into an argument and he’s in the rain looking for him?? i thought el was the “love of his life”?? why isn’t he after her in the rain?? HE JUST LOST HER AGAIN AFTER GETTING HER BACK AND HE SITS AT HOME??? in season 4, he explains his insecurity and fear of abandonment. he’s afraid she’ll realize he’s some “dumb nerd” and not want to be with him anymore… um, sorry to interrupt your very real feelings mike, but she kind of did that in season 3??? max tells her there’s more to life than stupid boys, then she walks up to you and says “i dump your ass” and walks away laughing… like the thing you’re worried about already happened and you stayed home?? but you LOSE will and you are up and out the door. in season 4, he TELLS will that he feels like he lost him. he hates losing will. he’ll always be right there to mend things with will because losing will brings a type of pain that he is afraid of and that was his motivation for his love confession. the day he met el maybe wasn’t the best day of his life because he met the “love of his life”, but maybe because he met her and she helped bring back THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.

#they make me feel so giggly and insane like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #byler #mike wheeler #will byers #stranger things #stranger things day

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ckret2 · 11 months

Text

Guess who's finally satisfied with part 3 of "Human Bill Cipher (In A Purple Bedsheet Toga) Attempts To Get His Revenge On The Pines"! (Real title TBD.) Part one and part two for y'all who missed it. When we last left off:

For all Bill's struggling, flailing, and wheezing, he couldn't do much from beneath an entire school bus's worth of Mabels and Dippers. Voice thin from crushed lungs, Bill demanded, "What—how—where did you come from?!"

The entire population of Mabels grinned. The one sitting atop the pile crowed, "I think you mean... when did we come from!" Her duplicates cheered.

"Two hours from now," a Dipper added. "Our bus gets here in two hours."

#####

Two hours from then, Mabel, Dipper, and Waddles got off the bus from California and looked around the bus stop with wide smiles.

Mabel's smile faded when she couldn't spot anybody. "Huh, I thought Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford were meeting us. They got here this afternoon, right?"

"Maybe their flight was delayed?" Dipper suggested—then spotted another Mabel and Dipper running up. "Whoa, what—?"

At the top of his lungs, the new Dipper shouted, "AMBIDEXTROUS PLATYPUS FARTS!"

Mabel cracked up. "WHAT?"

Dipper gasped. "It's my password! After all the evil clones and shapeshifters and bodysnatchers we dealt with last summer, I came up with a secret password—"

New Dipper cut in, "—so if I ever came up to myself and claimed to be a time traveler, I'd know I'm telling the truth!" New Dipper and New Mabel skidded to a stop. "We have an emergency, guys. Bill is Back—"

Mabel cut in, "Wait, Bill-Bill?"

"Bill-Bill!" New Mabel said. "And he's possessing a tourist and about to shoot Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford and Soos right now!" She paused. "I mean—right now, two hours ago."

New Dipper handed a time tape to his double. "You've got to go back to 5:18 p.m., take Bill down, and take his laser and this away from him! And then... do that again a bunch of times in a row, I guess."

New Mabel added, "I painted an X in the future so you'll know where to tackle him in the past!" She offered a can of red spray paint to her double. "Here, you'll need this."

Dipper dropped his duffel bag and shrugged off his bulging backpack. "We don't have any time to lose! We'll come back for our luggage later. Let's go, Mabel!" She dropped her bags as well, and the four twins sprinted for the Mystery Shack with Waddles chasing as fast as he could.

Until Mabel skidded to a stop. "Hold on! We've got a time thingy, right? We don't need to hurry! We can just jump back to 5:18 from any time."

"Oh, yeah." "That's true." "Good thinking, me!"

The original twins retrieved their luggage, and the group headed toward the shack again at a leisurely stroll, with Waddles trotting happily between the two Mabels. The evening weather was lovely.

####

"What about you, Bill? What are you doing here?" Dipper demanded.

"Yeah," Mabel added, "shouldn't you be dead?"

Bill let out as heavy a sigh as he could manage when pinned down by a ton of teenagers. "Well..."

####

This is where Bill's explanatory flashback would be, if he were cooperative.

He wasn't cooperative.

####

"You really thought I was ever dead? Boy, look at gullible over here!" Bill laughed.

The Dippers and Mabels exchanged a collective look, and without a word, shifted so more of the pile was weighing directly down on Bill.

He wheezed. "No sense of humor."

"I've got his time tape!" one Dipper shouted, holding it above the crowd.

"And I've got the laser," a Mabel called, waving it in the air. "Can I keep...?"

Ford gave her a stern look and held out his hand. She sighed and handed it over.

"Okay, Mabel Number One here!" another Mabel shouted, shaking her spray can. "Everybody move forward, I've got an X to mark!" The group obligingly shuffled forward, prompting more displeased grunts from Bill. Mabel considered his feet thoughtfully before spray painting an X where she estimated he'd been standing before.

"I'm not gonna lie, I thought we were goners," Soos said. "That was crazy! How did you two do that!"

Bill snapped, "By pulling a very illegal time loop. I throw one little party and Time Baby himself invades my pad, but two brats pull off as clear-cut a paradox as you can imagine..."

The Dippers and Mabels worked through the logic of their own rescue as they realized they wouldn't have known to come if they hadn't told themselves. Dipper said, "Maybe this is actually the altered timeline, and in the original timeline you did kill them and we had to steal your time tape to change the past?"

Ford took a time tape from a Dipper who had two. "Although that does beg the question of why the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron isn't here to investigate all these time loops. Or how you got so many of yourselves here at the same time. Has this tape been tampered with...?"

Bill said, "Yeah, smart guy, everybody knows time tapes are designed to prevent overlapping time loops! So how are there so many kids here? The mystery must be killing you!" He laughed. "I could tell you, if you let me up."

Ford shot him a dark look. "You know I won't."

"I know." Bill sneered at Ford. "I just want you thinking about all the things I could've taught you. Your loss."

Bill's eyes looked the same as they always had—maybe a little jaundiced, a little too human, but those were still Bill's eyes. Ford had never seen such wrath in Bill's eyes before.

He looked away. When he properly met the woman Bill was possessing, he wouldn't want to remember Bill glaring through her eyes.

####

While the adults found something to tie up Bill, the Dippers entertained themselves by journaling and the Mabels by decorating each other's faces with scented markers.

Without anything better to do, Bill twisted his head to watch the kids. "Hey. Can I get some art?"

The nearest Mabel looked at him, looked at the closest Dipper (who considered the odds that this was a trap, and shrugged warily), and looked back at Bill. Ethically, the alien menace who'd threatened her family didn't deserve nice things—and pettily, she didn't want him to have nice things—but then, when she tilted her head just slightly, rather than seeing Bill Cipher, she saw a vast expanse of unblemished face skin just begging for artwork. Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, it didn't really matter if a murderous monster got to enjoy the benefits of scented markers, as long as Mabel got to enjoy the benefits of making art.

Anyway, who else's face was she gonna draw on? Dipper had already turned her down and her duplicates were running out of facial real estate. "I don't see why not! What do you want?"

"Draw me."

Mabel grimaced. "Ooh, that's gonna be a no. Grunkle Ford says drawings of you are magic?"

Bill sighed loudly. "Sheesh, you sound as paranoid as him. What are my options?"

"I specialize in tiger masks, butterfly masks, rainbows, unicorns, spiders, aaand flowers!"

"Fine, gimme a butterfly."

"Colors?"

"Dealer's choice."

"Oooh." Mabel considered his face, grabbed her banana, cherry, and raspberry markers, and got to work.

When the adults returned to secure Bill, he kicked, clawed, struggled, flailed, and snapped his teeth the whole time—but without the advantage of the time tape and a gift shop of projectile souvenirs, he only wore himself out. By the time they determined him sufficiently immobilized—hands cuffed behind his back, arms chained against his chest, knees and ankles tied up—and the twin pile freed him, Bill was gasping for breath, eyes squeezed shut. He didn't even attempt to sit up. Stan and Ford tried not to look too close at the trembling human form collapsed on the stony cavern floor.

"And the final touch..." Soos took off the fuzzy pink belt he'd been wearing all day and wrapped it around Bill's waist. "Yes. Finally." He paused. "Hey, I was right, this belt does look good with that bedsheet. Compliments the pink in your butterfly, too."

Bill opened one eye. Voice strained, he conceded, "It's not a bad look."

"Is that unicorn hide? Excellent work." Ford clapped a hand on Soos's shoulder. "A few moonstones and mercury, and Bill will be trapped inside that body until we find a way to extract and contain him."

"He will? Hey, whaddaya know!" Soos beamed. "Fashionable and functional."

Ford tried to ignore Bill's gaze on the side of his head—attentive, calculating, scheming. "I'll... get the supplies and be right back."

The Dippers and Mabels consulted the tally marks on their palms, added one more each with Mabel's markers, arranged themselves in a semicircle behind the X marking Bill's spot, and returned to the past.

The Dipper and Mabel with twenty-five tallies high-fived. "Yes!"

"Finally," Dipper sighed. "It felt like we were gonna be repeating the same fifteen minutes forever."

Stan—currently guarding Bill with Ford's laser—glanced over at Dipper. "Hold on. If you kids have been doing some kind of crazy time loop, then that means you've been tackling this creep over and over for...?"

"Over six hours," Dipper groaned.

"We ate my last pocket bus snacks ten loops ago," Mabel said. "On the bright side, I smell so good now?"

Dipper sniffed his own hand's tally marks. "Ew."

"Haaa! You wanted the black licorice marker, bro!"

Wiping his palm on his shorts, Dipper said, "And we got up at five to catch our bus. We've been up almost twenty-one hours. I'm completely drained."

"Pffft!"

Stan, Soos, and the twins turned to give Bill a wary look.

"'Oh no! I'm a delicate little human! I've gone half a day without a REM cycle and three hours without glucose! How can I function like this?'" His laugh was a wretched, hacking cough. "Ahh, I keep forgetting how weak you are."

"You're one to talk," Dipper snapped. "These weak humans took you down! Again!"

"Wow, amazing, if you pile five thousand pounds of dead weight on top of a body made of calcium sticks wrapped in raw meat, it can't get up. Congratulations on learning how gravity works!" Bill rolled onto his back, and—with a laborious effort akin to a kid in gym class attempting one sit-up too many—managed to heave himself up to a sitting position. "You got lucky—" he cast a dirty look at the X spray painted on the ground, "—but luck changes." His lower butterfly wings crinkled as a smile twisted up his face. "It's just a matter of time before I get out. Do you really think a bunch of stupid sub-centenarian children like you can stop that?"

Stan bristled. "What I think is you've got a butterfly-shaped bullseye in the middle of your face and I've got a laser with your name on it if you don't shut up!"

Mabel gasped quietly. "My butterfly."

Bill laughed at Stan's anger, mouth open, all teeth. It seemed like far too many teeth, coming from a creature that shouldn't have had a mouth. "Oh, that's precious! Sure, go ahead, Stanley, let's find out what'll happen—!" Bill froze as Stan shoved the laser between his eyes.

"Maybe I will!"

Dipper flinched, "Grunkle Stan, what if it's a trap—"

Bill headbutted the barrel hard enough to knock the laser out of Stan's hand; and, with an unexpected burst of grace, even with his body restrained in four place, he was back on his feet. Bill's voice plummeted to a demonic roar that hardly seemed to fit inside the short human body. "Do you want to see what I can do?! You wanna see what I'm still capable of?! FINE! I'll SHOW you what... wh-what..."

Bill's eyes rolled back and his face went slack. He flopped face first to the ground.

The humans stared. Stan asked, "Is, uh. Is this what you're capable of?"

The back of Bill's head didn't answer.

Soos rolled him onto his back and tugged up one eyelid. "Guys, I think he fainted. Is that a good thing, or...?"

Mabel poked his arm. "This again? You'd think he'd have learned to grab an energy drink by now."

Dipper said, "Maybe he's still trying to drink them with his eyeballs." Mabel laughed.

Stan grunted. "I'm fine with whatever gets him to shut up a few minutes."

Dipper gasped. "Wait—if we let him escape this body, he could be anywhere! The belt! Grunkle Ford, the moonstones!"

Dipper and Mabel ran to find him.

####

Stan said, "I say we sit him up, shoot him in the back of the head, and bury the body right in here." Dipper and Mabel stared at him with wide eyes.

"Believe me, Stanley, I'd love to do that." (Dipper and Mabel turned their wide-eyed stare on Ford.) "But all that would accomplish is murdering some innocent woman while Bill himself escapes her brain. Assuming we managed to contain him in her brain at all!" It had taken almost a minute after Bill fainted for Ford to coat the belt in mercury and duct tape on several moonstones. "Kill her and he'd just come back wearing another poor victim."

Stan considered that. "Could he escape her brain if we buried her alive?" (Dipper and Mabel turned again to stare at him.)

There were no good solutions. There was no point in making a new memory gun to retry the stunt they'd pulled during Weirdmageddon, since it clearly hadn't killed Bill the first time; and setting the gun to erase "Bill Cipher" from the puppet's brain would just erase her memories of Bill rather than Bill himself. They could try going into the victim's mindscape after Bill, but all the tricks Ford knew to capture dreams or exorcise spirits only might work on an entity like Bill—or might let him hop into one of their heads.

First, they needed to make sure Bill was still in this body; and if he was, they needed something foolproof to extract and destroy him.

And until then, they had to contain him.

####

Melody turned toward the opening vending machine door, relief on her face. "Oh, Soos! There you are! I was getting worried. I've been looking for you for twenty minutes, the gift shop looks like a tornado hit it..." She trailed off, taking in the sight of Soos and Stan carrying an unconscious, tied-up woman wrapped in a bedsheet with a butterfly on her face, and Ford training a laser gun on her. "Please tell me that's some kind of evil fairy queen and not an actual tourist."

"Worse, it's Bill Cipher!"

Stan flinched. "Soos—"

"Yeah, he took over this tourist in a cool toga, I think he's been staking out the Shack the last few months with time travel, and he tried to kill the Pineses—Dipper and Mabel had to stop him and..." Soos looked at Stan. "Oh, hold on, was I not supposed to share that?"

"Of course not!"

Ford said, "This is a very delicate situation, and the more people get involved, the less we can control it. We can't tell anyone—"

Abuelita stuck her head through the living room "Employees Only" door. "Mijo, here you are. Who is this? A... guest?"

"Oh, hey Abuelita. This is Bill Cipher—you know, the triangle guy? Yeah, we caught him trying to kill us, so we're gonna keep... him..." Soos trailed off under Stan's glare. "Oh, come on! You can't expect me not to tell Abuelita!"

Abuelita gave Bill's unconscious form a calm, considering look, said, "I will cook an extra serving for dinner," and shut the door behind her.

"Wait wait wait," Melody said. "Triangle guy Bill Cipher? Like, turned-everyone-into-statues Bill Cipher?"

Soos shot Stan an apologetic look, then said "Yeah, that one."

"So, have you called the police yet? Or—or the FBI, or...?"

"It's cool, we've got it all under control," Soos said. "We're gonna lock him in the cellar."

"You're what?"

"Yeah, I've got a mattress down there he can take. There's a TV, the pinball machine... Do you think Bill likes pinball?"

"He won't be here long," Stan reassured Melody. "I've got some out-of-state 'connections' from a previous 'business venture' who have 'resources.'" He'd hooked his arms through Bill's armpits to free his hands up to make finger quotes. "I'm calling in a 'favor.' They can hold him somewhere 'comfortable,' until..."

Firmly, Ford said, "Until we've come up with something more permanent."

Stan nodded. "Once we're sure we trapped him in this girl, he'll be outta here."

Soos said, "Oh, hey—do you think we might need to close the Shack tomorrow? I should go tell Wendy. Be right back." He handed Bill's feet to Ford and headed to the living room.

"Oh no you don't, hold on!" Stan dropped Bill's head on the floor and followed Soos.

Ford looked down at Bill in dismay, trying to figure out how best to pick him up without risking Bill trying to bite out his throat again if he woke up. Mabel and Dipper peered around him to help consider the predicament; Mabel said, "Just drag him." Dipper nodded.

Melody screwed up her face, but sighed in resignation. "I've got it." She helped heave Bill back up. "But I want a really good explanation why we aren't letting the cops handle the dangerous superpowered criminal."

Ford said, "Melody, I know you haven't lived here long. But have you seen the police in this town?"

Melody sucked thoughtfully on her teeth. "Fair point. But what about the government? If there are actual interdimensional aliens on the planet, surely there's some kind of Guys In Black or X-Folders squad to deal with them?" She paused at the gift shop exit until Mabel got the door open.

"None that know as much about Bill's abilities as we do. Once he's out of our hands, we wouldn't be able to ensure he's properly contained," Ford said. "Besides—I'm afraid involving the government might play right into his hands. Bill has been pulling the strings on human politics for millennia, and there's no way to know just how many of our public servants secretly answer to him—"

Melody made another face. "Yeeeah, no, nah, I don't believe in any of that... 'shadow government' conspiracy theory stuff."

"And in most contexts, your skepticism would be wise." Ford and Melody let Dipper and Mabel haul open the cellar doors, and then carefully descended the stairs. "But where Bill's involved—there are few facets of human history that haven't been drawn into his tangled web. He's a master manipulator, and our world has been his pet project for millions of years. For crying out loud, he even helped fake the moon landing—"

Flatly, Melody said, "The moon landing."

"Yes!"

"How do you know this."

Ford and Melody dropped Bill on the mattress at the bottom of the stairs, and Ford gestured impatiently at him. "He admitted it himself! When he was busy boasting about how he helped 'inspire' Kubrick's work."

Melody planted her hands on her hips. "So, you're telling me a 'master manipulator'... told you he faked the moon landing... and... you believe him?"

Ford stared at her.

####

"Hey Wendy," Soos said, fiddling with office phone's cord. "This is Soos. Your boss. Listen, I know you have a shift tomorrow, but uh, you might not need to come in, okay? I mean—maybe. It depends. Still figuring it out. I'll call you in the morning." He glanced at Stan, who sharply nodded.

Wendy said, "Oh? How come?"

While Stan furiously mouthed Soos do NOT tell her anything or I swear— Soos said, "Uhh, Shack might be closed tomorrow, that's all."

"Oh, is it for like family reunion stuff?" Tone brightening, she said, "Hey, is it cool if I swing by anyway? I wanna come say hi to Dipper and Mabel."

Soos frantically waved a hand. "Nooo, you can't! For. Reasons."

Wendy was silent a moment. Soos bit his lip. Wendy said, "For... weird scary phenomenon reasons?"

Soos looked at Stan for guidance. Stan shrugged and made a so-so gesture. Soos said, "Yeah, pretty much."

Wendy laughed. "Oh man, seriously? Give the Pines heck for me for getting into something the first day of summer vacation. Text me every half hour so I know you're alive and I don't have to come over with an axe."

Soos sighed in relief. "Thanks, Wendy."

As Soos was hanging up, Ford barged into the office, Dipper and Mabel behind him. "Stanley, this is urgent. As soon as we've dealt with Bill, we need to visit the moon."

Stan processed that, and grinned. "All right, I'm game!"

Ford's watch beeped, startling him. "What—oh! That's right, I set a reminder for us to go..." He paused, looking at Dipper and Mabel. "... Pick you two up from the bus stop."

Dipper gasped. "Right! Mabel, I almost forgot! We'll be here any minute! We've got to go tell ourselves to stop Bill! Where did the time tape go?"

"And the spray paint! I gave myself spray paint—"

"Kids—hold on a second." Stan nudged past Ford to kneel in front of Dipper and Mabel. "Listen. I know this isn't how you wanted your vacation to start—especially after we spent all year convincing your parents there won't be any more apocalypses this time—and, I'm sorry. But as soon as you get back from the bus, treat it like you just got here for the first time. We'll say hi, we'll have dinner, you two can make plans to visit your friends tomorrow—and we're going to keep all this as far from you as possible."

Dipper started in first. "But, Grunkle Stan—"

"What if you need our help?"

"We've defeated Bill more times than anyone else—"

"And we just saved your lives again!"

"Whoa, easy!" Stan put his hands on their shoulders. "I know you can deal with him—but you shouldn't have to. You're kids, it's summer, you're here to have fun."

"Stan's right," Ford said. "We've already contained Bill—so try not to let him weigh on your mind."

Stan gave them an encouraging smile. "Let the old guys clean up this mess, okay?"

They didn't answer. Instead, they exchanged a glance, and then leaned in to fling their arms around Stan's neck.

"Hey, hey! C'mon, kids, what's..." His voice caught on a lump in his throat. He wrapped his arms around Dipper and Mabel and squeezed them tight. After a moment, Ford joined in.

They didn't separate until Soos leaned in to crush their lungs.

####

The Pines didn't talk about Bill during dinner. They talked about who they wanted to catch up with in town and what events they'd participate in this summer, and the kids' last semester of school, and the places Ford and Stan had traveled, and where in Gravity Falls the kids might be able to continue their judo lessons, and what Stan and Ford remembered about taking boxing as kids, and Dipper's indecision over what electives to take next year, and Mabel's enthusiasm over the parkour classes she'd started at a gym near home.

They didn't talk about why over the past year the kids had decided to pick up sports that could help them fight or escape. They didn't bring up all the times Dipper had called Ford after recurring nightmares of being pulled out of his body and left adrift. They didn't comment on Soos and Melody's absence from dinner as they took first watch over the cellar. They didn't ask questions when Stan left the living room table to take a call in the kitchen from his "connections." They didn't speculate on whether Bill might have escaped his puppet's body during the precious seconds between when he passed out and when they completed the barrier belt. They didn't talk about fear.

Down below in the cellar, the unconscious body didn't stir.

#bill cipher #human bill cipher #mabel pines #dipper pines #(also prominently featuring Soos Stan and Ford but the tags are long and they don't have art)#gravity falls #gravity falls fic #gravity falls fanart #fanart #my art #my writing #bill goldilocks cipher

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ccrites · 11 days

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Signal Lost

I've had something happen to me that's so incredible and that I could have never hoped, something so touching and so unbelievable that it made me rethink a whole lot of stuff: a wonderful reader on Ao3 started reading my long-form fic (101k words!!!) and commented basically every chapter after a certain point. And wow, I would have never thought something like this might happen.

And yeah, it is my first fic with plot in it, yeah I will never believe it to be perfect, but it's good enough. And receiving all those emails from Ao3 really was the highlight of my days over the course of which I saw said reader slowly go through all my favorite parts!

And so I wish to give it some spotlight here, while I'm finishing up my school year and work and whatever! I will post this here for now, but I will drop chapters every few days and make a Masterlist for it this weekend. (nvm I don't have the energy to do this any time soon lmao) I have too many loose ideas in my head so this is just to pass the time till the brain worms wiggle all in the same direction

So without further ado:

Link to AO3 here : Signal Lost - a John Price x reader fic

----- here's a blurb to pique your interest!

“I don’t think I’ve ever received a document as classified as this one. What am I supposed to do with it, Kate?” he says, dragging his thumb across the pile of papers, each file filled with more ink than the last.

“You asked for proof, there’s your proof,” Laswell says.

“You said you’ll bring someone competent, and who can help us, this doesn’t tell me shit.” He stares blankly at the screen, tired. She stares back.

“The Captain specifically asked to keep this under wraps.”

He rubs at his face, scratching at his beard. It’s getting long again.

“Who is he, anyway?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

He groans again, picking up the file on top. No photo, no name, no age, no height, weight, no nothing . And he thought Simon was secretive.

“What can you tell me?”

“It’s the closest we’ve ever gotten to him. Did things a particular way.”

He shifts through the papers. “And the discharge?”

“Left after the entire team got wiped out. Messy stuff.”

“That why he doesn’t show his face?” He bends forward, grabbing the cigar from the ashtray and bringing it to his lips.

“John.” Her voice carries a heavy warning.

“Just sayin’,” he says, biting around the cigar with one side of the mouth. “What kinda captain doesn’t go down with his men?”

“Got enough guilt as is. You’re lucky I convinced them.”

They both remain silent. They know the missions would be a slippery slope. One wrong move and a war is started. He puffs a cloud of smoke.

“Anything else?” John asks.

Kate looks to the side, her face illuminated by another screen. He can see her hesitate, her lips are pursed in a thin line as if she’s debating her options.

“You’ve worked together before.”

His face lights up. “Finally! Who?”

Her face immediately hardens back up. “Can’t tell, John, my hands are tied.” She sighs. “You were still a Lieutenant.”

Years ago then. He mentally catalogs everyone he’s ever worked with, but he knows that at that age, he was throwing himself at every available mission, wanting to make a name for himself. “So an old fart then? How’s that gonna help us?” If the guy was a Captain when he was still a Lieutenant, and he felt himself grow old, he can’t imagine who Laswell is bringing back from the dead.

Laswell’s face distorts, he knows he’s pushing her buttons, but he has to know.

“Not older than you John.”

His eyebrows raise. “Oh?”

---

returning to the military to hunt Makarov is hard enough, to do it with your past lover is even harder. a "friends to lovers to enemies to friends and back to lovers" story

---

Tags and other CW: will be posted for each chapter containing warnings for more hardcore stuff (i.e., torture and angst namely), but this is a fanfic, with smut, so if you want all the tags feel free to check the ao3 link bc there are a LOT and I am lazy to retype them all here

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lily-orchard-gossip-blog · 5 days

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Finally got past the edgy title, and it turns out it was a tabloid news article?

What did she do for them to think she was blood bending kids to safety? She seems dismissive over the whole thing.

...

Okay, ew!

She really hits you in the face with the incest right out of the gate.

Like, if you didn't know these two were sisters, you would legit think they were dating.

(Urban dictionary definition for people like me:

)

I'm going to be honest, while siblings do occasionally lie on each other, it's usually because someone took up space on the couch, and they refuse to move so you sit on them.

And then someone farts, and it's a whole new battle of wills.

MOST siblings don't just ask for a cuddle just because you can.

(Maybe I'm biased, but that's how all the siblings I know behave.)

Sweet christ!

Can you imagine if you were reading this and didn't know they were sisters until right then? It literally hits you like a truck.

SISTER'S. ALL TO HERSELF. FIFTEEN YEARS.

A bear doing the tango with a bull in a china shop would be more subtle than this!!!!

I wonder if it gets worst?

Alright, so it does, and I should just accept that this is the author's fetish.

I am now going to pretend that they are not "sister's" and that the word is being used in a 'Hey Bestie' way for my own sanity.

Okay, more flirting between these two totally not related people, and then the Avatar states that she wants her girlfr- I mean "sister" to share her statue.

You know, totally normal stuff to want with a sibling.

Alright, so they just promised to see each other again. Totally normal, non-romantic stuff to promise each other while cuddling on a couch talking about sharing a joint statue.

Yup. Not weird at all. (I am dying, please send help.)

Time skip a 130 years, we get a new avatar looking at the statues, Another woman. Just, pointing that out there.

And Niva got her way. Now her and her sister will be remembered as a pair forever. Yay?

...

Okay, but what was the deal with the child blood bending?

Like, we're told it's just slander, but what did Niva do to give the impression she was BLOOD BENDING CHILDREN?

Does she do that a lot? Like, is she bloodbending so regularly that everyone figures that everything she does is just bloodbending?

Because if she did use bloodbending to save kids, then the kids would be dead. Because all of their blood would smash into their organs, causing horrible internal damage.

Also, bloodbending can only be used on a full moon, and...

Okay, I'm overthinking this clearly throw away line that doesn't mean anything, and is just an excuse to imply how "cool" and "edgy" the avatar is, while also giving her the "misunderstood" label.

The fic really is just an excuse for meaningless flirting, and if the two weren't RELATED BY BLOOD, it would just read as a typical, slice of life, cutesy couple interaction.

Honestly, Its biggest sin (if you try really, really hard to pretend the obvious incest doesn't exist), is just being...okay? It's a bit boring, and requires you to actually...care about two rather bland people that we know nothing about and their relationship.

This short fic honestly doesn't make me want to know more about these two, and it makes me wildly uncomfortable.

#lily orchard #avatar niva #forever vignette #story review #god help us #tw incest

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lifewithdavefarts · 4 months

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DaveFarts - Episode 27 “Spicy Gas” [Episode List] Dave and Dana try to spice things up in their sexual life.

POV: Dave

Spicy Gas

Fuck, I’m freezing in this car.

It’s worth it though: I’m picking my girlfriend up from work and we’re going back to my place together. Tim (my bro and roommate) is out of town because of some needy client so, yeah, you know where this is going: a sexy, hot, movie night until we fall asleep on the couch.

When you’re past 30, this is considered a massive win.

It’s about 7:00 PM and I parked right where Dana asked me, in the mostly desert underground car park below the office building she works at. She works (usually overtime…) in a law firm and she’s as badass as she sounds; it’s a demanding job, though she’s up for it, as she told me many times without me asking and not in a nervous way at all.

Yes, she sounds stressed, but I know her, she’s got it, I’m here if she needs to vent. Sometimes that’s all you need and if it’s not, well, we’re just gonna talk abou- why is this car so cold?!

I hope Dana’s on her way ‘cause if she’s not she’s gonna find his boyfriend dead of hypothermia. Before picking her up, I made a quick stop to a fast food nearby to get some french fries on the fly, because my body may be a temple, but it’s a crumbling one. But not even junk food raised my body temperature.

This is how it ends, Dana, with your handsome boyfriend being murdered by this harsh, cold Winter in his own car, a coffin made of plastic and steel.

Truth is, I was bored and tired, so I was basically falling asleep, until I heard someone tapping on the car window right next to me. That made me jump, that always startle me for some reason… and she knows it very well, given the idiotic, beautiful smile on her face.

“Hey babe.” I said from inside the car, but she could barely hear me.

She walked around the vehicle and got inside, sitting on the passenger seat, next to me. We exchanged a quick peck on the lips and I then went for the keys to start the car.

“Wait, I need a moment.” Dana said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

She wasn’t mad nor sad, she just wanted to smoke a cigarette before leaving, all while she (as I said) vented about some co-worker acting like a bitch.

“‘Do not let Bennet know about it’ I told him and guess what he did?!”

“He… he told B-“

“He told her!” she had a puff of her cigarette. “Can you believe it? Now everyone knows we’re behind schedule because that idiot had to lick my boss’ ass.”

“Wow” I replied. I swear I’m listening, I’m just a bit on auto-pilot.

And freezing.

“And my boss… oh my boss, she got so mad, and rightfully so. We could handle the schedule, we do it all the time, but no! He had to rat us out like the kiss ass he is.”

“Is that him?” I said, casually glancing at some guy walking in the empty parking lot. “I can run him over if you want to.” I joked… and I hope she knows I’m joking.

“Yes, but don’t do anything, don’t move, don’t make any sound. He’s such a kiss ass that if he notices us he’ll come here to cha- I told you not to make a sound!” she said, almost laughing, as my enormous fart cut her off.

Yes, one of my usual farts, powered by those fries I got earlier (not that I need any particular fuel to rip a good one).

You all know what I’m capable of, my bro Tim definitely does.

I hate how warm it felt compared to the sheer cold of the car. My girl is very familiar with all of my talents, including this one. 7 seconds and I was done.

“Are you done shitting yourself?” she politely asked.

I leaned towards her and we exchanged another quick peck, but me moving meant that the gas trapped under my ass now was free to pollute the entire car.

“I’m your pig, remember?” I whispered.

“I literally never called you that.”

“Really? Must have been one of my other girlfriends then.” I joked.

She playfully slapped my shoulder and I sat back in front of the steering wheel, ready to start the car.

“Wait.”

“Oh please can we go home? I’m freezing.” I lamented.

“Just a minute…” she looked at me amused, but thoughtful. “There’s something I’d like to talk you about.” she put out her cigarette and put it in the ashtray.

“You okay?”

“Sure.” she replied, calmly.

A few seconds of silence followed. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for her to say something.

“I actually… do like when you’re a pig.” she smiled, but still being serious and calm about it.

I gave her and inquisitive, amused look.

“Don’t judge me.” she noticed my expression.

“I’m not judging you babe.” I said. “It’s our thing, we’re very open about what we like.”

“I know… you’re awesome.”

“Of course I am.” I confirmed, with a smug smirk, fully knowing how annoying I am.

“And I, too, am awesome, thank you very much.” she added, giving me a funny scolding glare.

We laughed it off.

“So what’s up, babe?” I genuinely asked. “You know my kinks...” I leaned closer to her. “What’s your dirty secret, Mrs. D?” I whispered, trying to act cool and sexy, but all I got was another playful slap on my shoulder.

“It’s not… what you did like a minute ago.” she said, gesturing towards me.

“Oh you mean this?” I pretended to push one more fart out, but this time I actually had nothing brewing (incredible, huh?). I was amused by her reaction though. “Just kidding.” I quickly said.

She actually laughed at that.

“You’re so nice and it’s not that I like you being disgusting but… dammit, I admit that… sometimes… when we do our thing… maybe I’d like you being a bit more… dirty.”

I let out a surprisingly nervous cackle.

“That’s it? You want to spice things up?” I asked, reaching for my phone. “Because I’m pretty sure Google can give us some tips.”

She calmly but firmly extended her arm towards me. She grabbed my phone and threw it in the backseat. She then put her left hand on my jeans-clad right leg.

“If you’re cold, Mr. D” it was Dana’s turn to whisper. “I know just the way to warm you up.”

That got me instantly aroused.

My girlfriend’s hand moved closer to my crotch, touching the tent I pitched between my legs.

“Oh… are you nervous?” she asked, gently caressing my boner, still in-character, whatever the character was.

I nodded.

Why did I nod? Am I an idiot?

With a deft movement, she untied my belt and her hand slipped right into my jeans and underwear, going straight for my hard cock.

As that happened, I let out a very short high-pitched scream, not because I wasn’t used to this, but because Dana’s hand was way colder than I was expecting. She broke character to laugh a bit at my very manly scream, then quickly went back into this femme fatale persona she was impersonating.

I was sweating.

But then I realized...

“Wait… r-right here?” I stuttered.

“Are you scared, Mr. D?” she asked. “Are you… too much of a nice guy for this?”

The fuck I am.

I grabbed her head and kissed her, her tongue going down my throat as she wrapped her cold fingers around my warm, throbbing cock.

I don’t know what was going down there… I mean I do know obviously, but the way Dana was moving her hand and fingers this time almost made me cum on the spot. She did in fact spice things up, so I guess I could do was return the favour... in my own personal way.

I sat back normally and spread my legs wide, my cock still being massaged, and ripped a loud, vibrating fart, a loud blast that made the entire vehicle shake. A quick 5 seconds rip which, weirdly enough, made Dana moan as she listened to it.

“You’re such a pig.” she scolded me, now literally strangling my cock, so much so that that I actually felt a bit of pain.

And I was loving the fuck out of that.

I saw a car passing by but the thought of them noticing us only made me harder.

I then ripped another big fart, because I’m the master of this shit. I could feel the vibrations of this one even on Dana’s hand as she jerked me off, something that she seemed to enjoy.

All of this was disgusting and yet we found it hot as fuck.

My girlfriend was as thirsty I was and finally managed to pull my cock out of my jeans.

“Oh there it is.” she said, leaning down to give it a quick lick. "Let me have it."

Not the first time we do this stuff obviously, but dammit that one move was indeed a dirty one. Pre-cum dripped down from the tip of my penis as I ripped another monstrous fart, the warm gas fogging up the car's windows. I was hot-boxing that whole place and my girlfriend didn’t care; instead she once again slipped her tongue down my throat.

“Time to sleep, pig.” she then whispered right into my hear, right before biting it.

After that, she strongly tightened her grip on my cock and then twisted it. I clenched my teeth as that happened, but the arousal that it gave me was insane.

That final move made me cum, a white fountain appearing between my legs as Dana bit my ear again.

That was quick… for my standards at least, but she didn’t seem to mind at all. Actually, she was a sweaty mess herself. She licked her lips and gave me a quick peck on my own.

“Try finding that on Google.” she said, as she sat back on her passenger seat.

As if the spirit of some femme fatale left her body, she turned to me and smiled, opening the car window by her side, now realizing how terrible my gas was.

“Yeah, fuck Google, ammirite?” literally the most unsexy thing I could have said.

She handed me some napkins to clean the mess. And a cigarette, which we shared.

“Still cold?” Dana asked me, once again giving me a certain look.

I started the car in response, then I turned to her, looking straight into her brown eyes.

I let out a loud, muffled fart that shook the seat, narrowing my eyes as I pushed it out. It was warm, it was vibrating through my jeans-clad ass. I winked at my girlfriend as the thunder kept going, something that she, against all odds, seemed to appreciate.

12 seconds, then my ass went silent.

“Are you?” I asked back to her, with a smirk.

The End

#eproctophilia #davefarts #fart kink #malefarts #fart story

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wolfoftheblackflames · 1 month

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Hello again my misfits. I feel like I've been neglectin' the other ships as of late. So here's one just for you ^^

The Inventor and the Explosive Expert:

It had been a week since Sir Pentious was brought into the hotel. The snake man smiled at his minions as the idiots worked on cleaning his room. "Oh, once you're done with that, I'd like to go into the city for an errand." He stated as Frank saluted.

"Yess sir boss!" The egg replied as he scurried away.

Sir Pentious usually took his blimp, but the thing has been having engine problems. He casually strolled into town since it did feel good to go for a walk every so often. He hummed casually, his head swaying a bit. "Huh?" He blinked hearing an explosion.

"Ha eat shit cock sucker!" A voice boomed as Sir Pentious started to fluff up his frills slightly. He knew the owner of that wonderful Australian accent. Cherri Bomb was seen shoving another bomb into a gunman's mouth and jumping off as it exploded the fool.

The snake demon watched the cyclops in awe. He always loved her brilliant explosive contraptions. He, however, noticed someone trying to ambush her from behind. "Missss Cherri Bomb, look out!" Sir Pentious shouted, alerting the cyclops bombshell.

"Oh, thanks for the heads up, old man!" Cherri grinned as she punched the ambusher. Soon the skirmish ended with the losers running or dead as Cherri laughed dusting herself off.

"Hey Angie did ya get those other fuckers?!" She smirked seeing Angel Dust having a blast with his guns.

"Yep, but looks like there's some more headin' our way!"

"Ah shit, we'd better split up to get those fucks disoriented. I'll meet cha back at your hotel, alright!' Cherri smirked as Angel gave a thumbs up. "C'mon old man!" She grabbed the snake demon to drag him out of the battle zone. But before she could, Sir Pentious dropped a disk like object on the ground.

"What, hey!" He blinked but followed.

"Follow the boss!" Frank ordered as the eggs scurried after the two.

Once out of danger Cherri sighed in relief. "I hate runnin' but those assholes wouldn't quit." She muttered annoyed.

"I left them something fun to deal with for you." Sir Pentious smiled as an explosion was heard. "It's a ssimple contraption but effective when ussed during chaosss." He grinned doing a playful bow.

"Not bad old fart.." Cherri chuckled but hissed softly. The cyclops growled, seeing one of those bullets had grazed her arm. "Fuck.."

Sir Pentious blinked but searched his coat and grumbled. He then smirked, stealing some cloth from an overhang. "Can I wrap your injury, Missy?" He asked as Cherri gave him a 'dafuck' look. "I know you can probably jussst heal with eassse, but I can't sstand by while a young lady iss hurt."

Cherri gave him a skeptical look. "What ever floats your boat edgelord." She shrugged but let him wrap her left arm.

The egg bois yelped as one of them was cracked. "Finally caught up to you fucking bitch!" A bull looking sinner with a shotgun growled with steam coming out of his nose.

"How dare you crusssh one of my minionsss you boob!" Sir Pentious hissed, flaring up his yellow cobra like frills. "Now take thisss!" All his eyes soon emitted a hypnotic trance, forcing the bull to stumble and groan. The snake demon soon slithered over with speed and bit the bull in the neck, injecting the sinner with venom.

"Huh.." Cherri looked amused as the bull sinner started to uncontrollably vomit with Sir Pentious stealing the shot gun.

"A simpleton like you doesn't deserve mercy." The snake demon growled and shot the bull demon sending the sinner flying.

Cherri couldn't help but whistle. "Fuckin' hell mate, didn't know you could handle a gun?" She smirked as Sir Pentious shyly rubbed his neck.

"W-well I wanted to help you... Plus he destroyed one of my many minionsss!" The snake replied being awkward.

"C'mon shit for brains, let's meet up with Angie, eh?" Cherri motioned for him to follow.

The two ran through the back alleyways as soon they didn't have to look far to spy the pink spider demon. "Oh no, Angel Dusst is cornered."

Cherri smirked evilly as five sinners started to close in on Angel. "Got another one of 'em disks?" She asked as Sir Pentious nodded handing her one. "Good cause this is gonna be fun."

With his back against a wall, Angel smirked a bit with his tommy guns out of ammo. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is the start of a bad porno." He cheekily sneered.

He kept his eyes on the goons so as not to alert them to the duo on the buildings behind them. "Hehe a free fuck with the famous porn star? Sounds fun." One sinner who was an ugly slug moved forward.

"You limp dicks couldn't afford my sexy ass." Angel soon brought out his extra two arms and shot the group back with his fresh guns.

"Eat shrapnel cock suckers!" Cherri laughed maniacally tossing in her bombs with one of them attached to the disk. A row of explosions wiped out the first two while the disk one caused a bigger one to pretty much turn the other three into mince meat.

Sir Pentious watched in awe seeing her using his work. "Impresssive Misss Bomb." He grinned watching Cherri jump down. "O-oh uh... I'll usse the sstairsss.."

The snake demon came down to Cherri, clapping Angel Dust on the back with a grin. "Well fuck, it seems like that hotel hasn't made ya soft yet."

"Hey I'm still down for blasting holes into some fucks head sugar tits." The spider replied retracting his third set of arms. "C'mon bet little miss princess and Vagina are getting their panties in a twist right now." He laughed amused.

Sir Pentious slithered over as his Eggs followed. "Mind if I join you?" He asked giving a friendly toothy smile.

"Eh sure." Cherri shrugged looking at Angel.

"Why the fuck not." The spider also shrugged as the unlikely trio made their way back to the Hotel.

And yes, Vaggie was incredibly pissed about it since it was on the news, and Charlie was just a cute sobbing mess to see they're ok.

(Hope you guys liked this one, it got stuck in my head plus I figured I'd give Cherrisnake a go.)

#hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #vaggie #angel dust #sir pentious #cherrisnake #cherri bomb #lots of swearing #the big booms

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