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theunconcernedembalmer · 3 years

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what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships.

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative.

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear.

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me.

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

#mun rambles #its me the mun #unconcerned ramblings #posting this now cos this is a question ive been getting #although this has been worded in the most unnecessarily passive aggressive way possible that i do not appreciate #im wary about all u so called social justice warriors championing this n that liberal idea when all u want to do is stir shit #thankfully i dont have much experience with this but just passively seeing all these ppl run their mouths is getting very annoying #but just know that i will not tolerate any of that bullshit here. because if u really do care about ppl as much as u say u do #then why r u attacking ppl period #ur really just hiding behind a righteous excuse to harm people. thats disgusting. i dont want u here

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thespianbooks · 3 years

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A Court of Nightmares and Starlight //Chapter 22//

Masterlist

(tags: @thron3ofbooks, @df3ndyr, @courtofjurdan, @art-e-mis, @herondamnn, @the-third-me, @im-still-trying-here, @emikadreams, @paytin77, @mis-lil-red, @sleeping-and-books, @lucieisabooknerd, @amandaraey-sunshine, @easy-p-lemon, @azymondias05, @dagypsygirl, @makeshift-utopia) *bold tags don’t work ;-;

Just in time for ACOSF’s release tomorrow! Enjoy chapter 22!

XXX

The entire estate was abuzz with activity in preparation for the encounter with Keir and his legion of rebels. As predicted, once Rhys and the other High Lords had lifted the wards from our armed forces, Kallon alerted the steward and frantically gathered the Illyrian numbers he rallied for his rebellion. We had all been surprised when Azriel's reports indicated that those numbers had dropped—not significantly, but enough to know that we now had an advantage over the Illyrians. Those who abandoned Kallon's Illyrian rebels appeared at neither camp, leaving Cassian to assume they were remaining indifferent to either side. Regardless, they would be dealt with after this ordeal.

Through this nightmare, my heart not only ached for my mate—for the pain he endured knowing it was his mother's people who sought to betray him, but for Cassian as well. He commanded those armies, fought at their side through two wars, trained in their camps and, in spite of their ire, sought their approval. Their losses were his as well, and he took the brunt of the blame onto himself, along with their distaste. From the beginning, I saw the pain that swirled behind those hazel eyes; knowing despite everything he did, how hard he tried, they saw him as nothing more than a bastard-born Illyrian and aspired to bring him and his brothers down.

In the two days it took for Keir and his Darkbringers to arrive at Ironcrest, amidst the frenzy that ensued at the estate while every High Lord present worked and met with us in order to prepare, I tried time and time again to find a moment alone with Cassian. I wasn't sure what I would say, how I would comfort him, but I at least wanted to offer him some kind of support. He had spent the last several months, the duration of my pregnancy, trying to set me at ease; promising an end to the coup and the rebel Illyrians, all the while his own inner turmoil caused him a great deal of pain that was long-stemmed. It was my turn now to offer him some peace in the hours leading up to a confrontation he previously hoped would never occur.

By the time I managed to find the general, I had thought he was alone in the library—only seeing his winged shadow outside the double doors, until I heard Nesta's voice mingling with his in a tense and hushed conversation. I had been too far away from the doors to hear their discussion, but based on how impassioned my sister's low voice sounded, I knew better than to interrupt. Ever since opening up to me about her loss and her time with Cassian in the mountains, Nesta again began to warm towards me. She still held onto that powerful veneer, but I was glad to see that she no longer used it to push me away. Instead, she surprised my mate and I by showing up in Rhys's office with Cassian just moments before our morning meeting. With Keir and Kallon officially together at the Ironcrest camp, this would be our last assembly before all the High Lords and our forces left.

"I'll be going to this encounter," Nesta said after we concluded the session. "Since my sister is unable to travel in her condition, I will be going in her stead; as a representative of the High Lady of the Night Court."

I stared at her in disbelief, shocked that she not only acknowledged my position, but that she was volunteering to face a potentially violent conflict—for me. Despite the healthier state of mind she was in a decade later, I knew the events that took place with Hybern were still raw for her; as they still were for me. Yet here she was now, offering to represent my position in our court. I glanced at Cassian, but judging by his arrogant smirk, he already knew of her plans. I briefly exchanged a look with Rhys, a small smile on his face, but his eyes conveyed a very simple response: it was up to me.

I paused as I turned to look at my sister. Her chin set and hands clasped formerly across her abdomen as her grey-blue eyes stared intensely at mine. "Are you sure?" I asked, unable to help but be a little hesitant.

She simply nodded, unyielding. "It isn't right. For me to sit idle, when I am capable. After what happened last time-" she paused, thinking back to the attack on Velaris—when we had been housed safely in the Cabin with Elain. "You have your health, your youngling, to worry about. As your eldest sister, I can do more. I can represent you and your position in this court."

My eyes burned as I dipped my head in approval. "Thank you, Nesta."

"Well this will be a welcome addition," Helion mused. "Given how the Illyrians quake in her presence."

"Perhaps some may drop their weapons at the very sight of her," Thesan added.

"That may be wishful thinking," Tarquin said, though he too acknowledged the unnerving demeanor my sister possessed.

We all did, and knew that her attendance would no doubt send a clear message in this coup. Her powers were still unknown to us, whether she knew of them or not—she never said, but the lethal aura about her remained as strongly as it had the day she'd been made.

"If no one else has anything to add, then I say it's time," Rhys said with a look at the other High Lords, their entourages, and then at me.

My eyes still burned as I met his, my heart pounding in my chest and I wondered if he could hear it—feel it, down the bond. When no one else spoke up, he cleared his throat. "I will take Feyre up to the Cabin and meet you all at the designated camp just outside of Ironcrest," he said.

"I'll meet you there with Viviane and Eira once they are ready, it shouldn't be long, and your shadowsinger has shared the coordinates of where I should winnow," Kallias added.

Azriel nodded at the High Lord of Winter before addressing us. "I will bring Elain at the same time the High Lord and Lady of Winter arrive," he said quietly.

"Thank you Azriel," I said, quickly swiping at a stray tear.

The emotion laced in my words was indication enough for everyone to leave and attend to any last minute preparations. They were gone in a matter of seconds, but I hardly noticed; unable to look away from Rhys's violet eyes. With the room cleared, he stepped closer, holding my face gently as he brushed away the tears that began to fall in earnest.

"I know I can't go, but," I sniffed. "I don't know how I'll be able to part with you, knowing the danger you face. I...I…"

Rhys pressed his brow against mine as I wept and held me closer. For days my hormones had left me anxious for the moment my mate would leave with the others and put an end to Keir and his betrayal; so, I allowed myself to give into those emotions and the tears that accompanied them. These precious seconds in my mate's arms were just what I needed in order to feel at ease—to let him go while I stayed behind with our unborn child. Once my crying subsided, I lifted my eyes to his again and pulled back just enough to now hold his face in my hands and stare into his sparkling violet eyes.

"Don't let him get a rise out of you. You are a warrior, and warriors know when to pick their fights," I began, reiterating the very words he said to me during the war with Hybern. "Their crimes won't go unpunished. You are the High Lord of the Night Court, night triumphant. You go there, put an end to this treachery, and come back to me—to us, alive." I said fiercely, my voice quavering as our breaths mingled.

Rhysand's answering grin was slow as he nodded his head. "I swear it, High Lady," he said before pulling me into a deep kiss.

XXX

Even with my mate's promise, I couldn't help pacing about the living area of the Cabin once he, Kallias, and Azriel left. Elain and Viviane eyed me warily as I moved, Eira peacefully sleeping in a small cradle Viviane had brought along and placed just beside the leather sofa.

"Feyre, why don't you come rest?" Viviane urged as she stood, crossing over to where I had stopped pacing and began rubbing a sore spot on my lower back.

I shook my head. "I can't sit still," I said as my only reply.

It was true. The uncertainty of the events unfolding at this very moment left me restless. Until I knew Rhysand, our allies, and my friends and family were safe, I would remain on edge.

Viviane touched my shoulder gently. "You do know that walking around so vigorously can stimulate the body into going into early labor? If you keep pacing around here like this, you might very well give birth before the others return," she gave me a wry smile when I hesitated. "We don't want that now do we?"

I sighed in defeat and allowed her to help me back to the sofa, helping me lower myself onto the seat slowly.

Elain popped up just as I sat with a grunt, "I'll make us some tea!" However, just as she said that, a freshly brewed pot appeared on the table before us—along with three tea cups. She laughed nervously, remembering the magic that existed here, before going to pour us each a cup.

"I know it's hard not to worry, believe me," Viviane said as she sat beside me. "But think of it this way: this issue will finally be resolved."

I sighed in irritation. "That's all anyone has been telling me for days, what I've been telling myself," I snapped back, but immediately regretted it.

For her part, Viviane smiled in understanding-all too familiar with the quick shifts in mood that pregnancy caused.

"I just hate feeling like some kind of damsel in distress," I admitted.

"You are anything but, Feyre," Elain said as she handed me a cup.

She's right, my love

I nearly startled at the sound of Rhys's voice through the bond. Is it over? I asked in return.

His dark chuckle made me shiver. Unfortunately, we haven't started yet. We're on the front lines, waiting for Keir and Kallon to arrive

I gulped and knew this time he could feel my heart racing. I thought you might want to see things firsthand, rather than have me fill you in later

Through the bond, I felt his offering hand, dark talons beckoning me as I took it. His black adamant shields yielded to me, and a second later I was looking through my mate's eyes. From his peripheral vision, I could see Nesta standing immediately to his left while Mor and Amren stood at either side of them—Azriel and Cassian flanking them. Based on all our meetings, I knew the other High Lords, excluding Eris, were lined up just behind them. In spite of the crisp air in the Illyrian mountains, I could feel the sun on my mates' skin, could see it reflecting off his Illyrian leathers. Unlike my galloping heart, Rhys's was steady and calm; even as his sharp eyes picked up movement in the distance.

Slowly, arrogantly, Keir walked with Kallon and the commander of his Darkbringer army on either side of him. His hands were neatly folded behind his back, as they often were whenever we saw him at the Hewn City, his chin lifted proudly. Kallon at least had the sense to look a little intimidated at the sight of the three most powerful Illyrians in history on the opposite side of the battlefield; that intimidation probably coming not only from his lack of experience, but from his unexpected lack of numbers with the Illyrians. As he approached, I could see their soldiers following at a distance, but as the trio got closer, the troops stopped.

I could feel Rhys's muscles tense, wings flaring slightly at the steward's outright arrogance as he approached with a smug grin. I noticed Mor's own muscles go rigid, Amren and Nesta remained the picture of menacing ease, their cool facade's masking any rage they might've been feeling. Finally, with only a few dozen paces between them, Keir stopped in his tracks—meeting my mate face-to-face.

"Rhysand," the older male said by way of greeting.

I heard Mor growl from beside Rhys. "My lord," she corrected.

Keir didn't acknowledge her, his dark gaze penetrating as they stayed on mine—on Rhysand's.

"You forget yourself, Keir," he replied coolly, ever the embodiment of casual grace, even in the face of such blatant disrespect and deceit. "Since when do you address your High Lord by first name, and so casually too?"

The male seemed to ignore Rhys's words altogether, simply casting a glance over my mate's shoulder at the other High Lords aligned behind him—their forces also staged at an interval behind them.

"I see you've rallied this bunch. How you all actually managed to become friends after Hybern is truly a surprise to me," Keir scoffed, his disdain echoing for the word 'friends' in particular.

"Especially with that one," he motioned to Tamlin standing beside Tarquin at the far-right of the line.

I could feel Rhys's patience wavering, his dark powers seeping into his shadows and making them stir lightly. I ran my delicate fingertips along his shields to calm him, sending him another reminder: You are Night Triumphant. He is nothing.

"You openly plot against me, my mate, my crown, by rallying your army and joining with rebellious Illyrians in order to...what? Overthrow me? Kill me and take my throne as your own?" Rhys asked, his rage still in check for now.

"I've only come to take back what has rightfully belonged to my bloodline for centuries, before that ancestor of yours came along and claimed the seat of the High Lord for himself," Keir replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "It was one thing for your father to rule as High Lord, but to allow a half-breed disgrace to sully the throne? I have been complacent for far too long, especially now with that mate of yours carrying an abomination of such obscure proportions."

I felt Rhys hold back a growl, every ounce in his body wanting to retaliate for the threat against his mate, against me and our unborn child. Instead, he appeared outwardly unfazed. "You mean to demean my position by pointing out that I am half Illyrian, and yet here you are, allied with them," he said casually, his mask remaining the picture of ease.

"The Illyrians don't want a half-breed High Lord anymore than Keir and his lot do," Kallon spoke up. His voice was strong, but young, attesting to the inexperienced warrior that he was.

"You can come back once you've been around and bled for a few centuries, boy," Cassian retorted, all seven siphons flickering. "In the meantime, you're too wet behind the ears to speak on behalf of the Illyrians."

Keir shot Kallon a warning glance that silenced him. Turning back to Rhys, Keir straightened his shoulders, but before he could answer with some clever reply, Rhys cut him off with a laugh. A dark, whole-bodied guffaw that I had never heard come from him before. It was unscrupulous and dripped with condescension. I didn't have to see the rest of our party to feel the mood shift.

"Am I meant to be intimidated? You have your army of Darkbringers, who are assuredly substantial in numbers and skill, but yet ally yourself with the self-appointed leader of mutinous Illyrians, while said leader has only lived a couple of decades and has never seen the true course of battle," Rhys shook his head with another dark chuckle. "Perhaps the centuries haven't fared so well for you after all, it seems old age has made you lose all sense of reality"

The older male narrowed his gaze, darkened eyes igniting with contempt. "You think me a fool, Rhysand? That I wouldn't find a suitable ally outside these winged brutes?" Kallon's stare was seditious, but Keir ignored him and finally met Mor's gaze. "Perhaps, daughter, you would be glad to see another familiar face?"

Mor only raised an unamused brow at him, the sound of approaching footsteps coming from behind the group. Through my mate's eyes I saw Keir's widen as Eris stepped in line beside Tamlin; with the other High Lord's of Prythian he scoffed at only minutes before.

"Sorry about my pretty lies, Keir, but it was just too easy tricking another old male out of his sense of entitlement," Eris remarked, and though I couldn't see him, I could hear the hubris in his voice as he addressed the steward.

The male fumed at Eris's words, refusing to meet Rhysand's gaze as my mate took a step forward. "Surrender now, Keir. It's time to wake up and realize just how futile your efforts have been," Rhys said, the commanding voice of the most powerful High Lord in Prythian returning.

Of course, Keir continued to seethe as he returned a detestable look at Mor before finally facing Rhys again. He took a couple of steps forward, nostrils flaring as he spat, "You think I will yield so easily? I will correct the mistake I made centuries ago with you and murder that monstrosity your mate will bear in its cradle."

As soon as that last word came out of his mouth, everything seemed to move slowly. Blinding, white-hot rage exploded within my mate, but before he could even react, it was Mor that winnowed from his side in a split second to her father. She winnowed in behind him, an Illyrian dagger in hand, and stabbed him straight through the throat—blood splattering on her face as Keir's eyes widened again. He seemed to try and speak before Mor twisted the blade, pushing it further into his flesh. A wet, strangled sound came out of Keir's mouth as it filled with blood, Mor then kicked the back of his legs and sent him to his knees. I saw her mutter something into his ear, but couldn't hear the exact words before his body dropped to the ground in front of her.

As blood pooled from his throat, Mor stood over his body and didn't look up when Kallon shot to the skies, yelling orders to their Illyrian forces; the Darkbringer commander turning and shouting similar orders before drawing a blade aimed at Mor, who in her adrenaline-filled rage quickly pulled out her own and stabbed him through the gut. The last thing I heard was Cassian's own shouts before Rhys pushed me from his mind, sending me back to the Cabin without warning.

I gasped as though I had been holding my breath throughout the entire ordeal, grasping at my chest and stomach simultaneously as I heaved for breaths. Viviane and Elain were already at my side, but I couldn't make out anything they were saying to me as my mind raced from what I had just witnessed. Of the blood that seeped into the grass, of the gurgling sounds Keir made as he lay dying, the sounds of blades being drawn, and orders being yelled. I squeezed my eyes shut as the images kept flashing through my vision, breathing becoming nearly unattainable as I tried to desperately fight them away; reprising memories of my mate lying dead on the ground after the last war beginning to flash along with the others.

No no no no no no no

I couldn't lose him; I couldn't lose any of them.

Rhysand.Rhysand.Rhysand!

Suddenly, I felt a gentle glimmer at my core, followed by the movement of my son stretching inside of me. That glimmer seemed to warm me from the inside out as my panic slowly ebbed away, Viviane and Elain's voices finally coming through.

"Feyre? Can you hear me?" It was Viviane, and I realized then that her hands held my shoulders gently.

I opened my eyes gradually and met with her piercing and concerned blue eyes. My breaths finally regulated as she guided me back into a normal breathing cycle, knowing that I could at last hear her words. I realized then that I was clutching my belly and looked down at it as I felt my son move again. I loosed another slow breath and caressed it instead, closing my eyes as tears slipped down my cheeks.

"Oh Feyre," Elain whispered as she sat beside me, wrapping her arms around me carefully.

I leaned into her embrace, silently crying as I began to relax—this abating moment contrasting with the one I had with Rhys. Viviane rubbed my shoulder gently, and they both waited patiently for me to calm.

"I was there," I whispered, my voice hoarse. "I saw what happened, through Rhysand's eyes."

Viviane frowned, "Are they all right?" She asked.

I paused. "I saw Keir die. Mor stabbed him in the throat, and then they were all shouting. Just as the fighting was about to begin, he sent me back." I said, meeting her worried gaze apologetically.

I felt Elain go rigid as I explained how Keir had been killed, no doubt recalling the gruesome details of how she had done the same with the King of Hybern. I pulled back from her arms slowly, sitting upright with a weary sigh before I went into a full detailed account of everything I had seen—that had been said and done. By the end of it, Viviane's concern seemed to marginalize.

"They'll be all right," she said. "Keir and Kallon were vastly outnumbered, so the fighting won't last for much longer. They'll have no choice but to surrender."

I nodded, though a kernel of doubt still lingered. I looked down at my stomach again, rubbing the expanse of it as my son continued to stretch and kick at his leisure. The glimmering reminder that was him had brought me back to reality, from the edge of my panic. I closed my eyes as I felt him move, feeling another flutter in response as I continued to stroke my belly.

Thank you, baby.

XXX

Hours passed and there was still no word from the others. I tried reaching down the bond on a few occasions, only to be met with my mate's impenetrable black adamant. As time went on, Eira was a welcome distraction. She awoke from her nap in good spirits, cooing and smiling at Viviane and Elain as they fussed over her. I watched from my seat with a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes as I idly brushed my fingers along my stomach, thoughts still on my mate and the others as I wondered what held them for so long.

There was no doubt our numbers outweighed theirs; so, while we had hoped fighting wouldn't ensue, now that it had, it should've been settled quickly—a slaughter. I did my best to focus on Eira, picturing what my own future with Sebastian would be in a few short months, but every few minutes or so my thoughts returned to Rhysand and the others. I thought of Mor and how aptly she took out her father and his commander, what possible ramifications would come from her impulses, though I couldn't blame her for it. I wondered if Nesta and Amren had been able to keep a safe distance once the fighting began; if Azriel or Cassian would be hurt while taking down their own kind, though I knew the latter would feel more of a burden than the former.

Finally, a knock came at the door before it opened, Rhys striding inside with Azriel and Kallias following closely behind.

"Oh, thank the Cauldron!" Viviane exclaimed, gathering Eira to her breast as she quickly stood.

Kallias had his daughter and mate wrapped in his arms only seconds later, but I was too distracted with my own overwhelming relief as I saw my mate. I choked on a sob as those star-flecked violet eyes met mine, and as I struggled to push myself upright, Rhysand quickly pulled me into an embrace as he dropped to his knees before me. I slid forward, meeting his knees with mine as I landed on the ground, kissing his face and brushing back the loose strands of his hair as he did the same.

Tell me you're alright. I pleaded

I am, Feyre. Everything's alright

Though the three of them were dirty and bloodied, their faces showing the exhaustion of battle, they were here in one piece. They were alive and safe.

Rhysand's hands held my stomach gently as our brows touched, his eyes lined with silver as he stroked it gently, solace washing over him as well.

Is he...?

He's fine, we both are.

His shoulders went slack as one hand held my hip firmly. "The others…?" I asked aloud, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Fine," he said as he pressed a kiss to my brow and pulled away from me.

He helped me back onto the sofa as we faced the others. Kallias had an arm slid behind Viviane's back, and from the corner of my eye I saw Elain quickly pull her hands away from Azriel's when Rhys rose to his feet. There were still tears welled in her eyes, and I saw the shadowsinger curl his scarred fists closed once Elain's delicate ones left his touch.

"The bastards managed to hold their own for a while, but with hardly any leadership in the wake of Keir's death, we had them overrun after an hour or so," Rhys explained to us.

"Kallon's novice knowledge as a warrior showed. He stood no chance against Cassian's direction and tactics," Azriel added.

"Is he dead too?" I asked.

"Not yet. Cassian got a hold of him and knocked him unconscious. Probably would've killed him, if Rhysand hadn't insisted they take him prisoner," Kallias answered.

A quick nod at Azriel, "We have plans for him and the other camp lords that went against us." Rhys said.

"But Keir is dead? Mor killed him?" Viviane asked.

"Yes, him and about a dozen other Darkbringers. Outside of that, there weren't many casualties," Kallias replied.

"We spent the rest of the time rounding up the rest of their army as they surrendered, stationing prisoner camps that Cassian, Azriel and Devlon will oversee as we plan our next steps," Rhys went on. "As for the Darkbringers, Mor and Amren are taking them back to the Hewn City."

I gulped as I recalled Mor's rage and thought of how she would handle the army of traitors her father raised. I sighed shakily and motioned for Rhys as my relief was replaced by a wave of nausea. Taking note of my illness, he helped me to my feet without another word and I quickly crossed over to the nearest bathing room—making it to the toilet just in time as I vomited. I could barely hear the sound of the voices talking in the other room over the sound of my retching, but only a minute later Rhys entered the bathing room with me, holding my hair and rubbing my back until the nausea passed.

Resting my back against the hard planes of his chest, I closed my eyes as he flushed away the mess and summoned a cool washcloth to place on my forehead. He then lifted me in his arms easily, carrying me down the hallway and towards the small bedroom.

"They left?" I asked after I noticed how quiet it was.

Rhys nodded as he sat me on the bed, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "Feel better?" he asked.

I sighed heavily with a slight nod, removing the damp cloth from my head. "Yes...I think everything just hit me," I said tiredly, truly feeling the weight of it all lifting.

Is Mor okay?

"She's been waiting for that moment for centuries. Today she finally had enough," Rhys replied aloud—exhaustion as clear in his voice as it was in his eyes.

I nodded in acknowledgment and squeezed his hand, taking note of the blood that still coated his fingers. "It's over…" I whispered.

Rhys squeezed my hand back, the bed giving way as he sat beside me. "Yes, it is."

"There's still so much to do," I said, mind beginning to race.

"There is," he confirmed, a strong hand returning to the apex of my belly. "But we still have time before he comes."

My eyes stung as my sense of relief returned and I let out a wet laugh as he stroked my stomach. "He'll be safe," I said with a quiet sob.

His eyes stayed on my stomach, those beautiful eyes going distant. "He would have never been in danger if I wasn't the male that I am. If you hadn't accepted our bond, or married me, then-"

"I wouldn't be here right now if you weren't the male you are, Rhysand. He wouldn't exist without you, and I...I wouldn't either," I interrupted as I took his face in my hands again, forcing him to meet my fierce gaze.

Those violet eyes shattered at my words and a second later his arms were wrapped around me once again, pulling me onto his lap as I enveloped my arms around him in return and held him just as closely. I shook with a sob as I buried my face in his hair as his lips brushed against my neck and breathed in my scent. With this burden lifted from both of our shoulders, we no longer had to pretend to enjoy whatever short-lived peace we had been afforded during this ordeal. We now had a peace that had the potential to last for a great deal longer; a peace that our son would be born into and thrive.

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dykefoosh · 3 years

Text

Fundys Stream My Nightmare (5/24)

(stuff transcribed live so. it might be wrong but I tried)

F: Remember the times when… when.. when… I.. remember the times when I couldn’t stop a nation from blowing up.. remember the times when I helped the guy who killed tubbo….

You know what bothers me the most? I have been having nightmares with crazy visual stuff happening and I don’t know how to explain it.. I I just.. my memory goes back to.. to those days.. I had the chance that I was always there. I was the helping of will and schlatt and the butters army….

And I.. I couldn’t do anything.. and it leads me to believe it was always my fault.. it makes me think it was always my fault.. and everytime I was apart of something it fucked up.. everything something messes up I’m part of it.. its always been that way.

A day ago.. quackity showed up at my doorstep.. and told me a few things. He told me.. ya know, the things I was part of and the a few things that made sense and a few things that weren’t.. weren’t great to hear, but he was right.

Me and quackity.. had a long talk, it was me thinking he came over to see me. I isolated myself from the world, tried to save everyone from having crazy shit happening, because every time Im part of something everything seems to break down no matter what it is. So I tried to isolate myself from only specific dreams.

And I thought he was going to see me but he had oddly specific business requests. He’s made some mistakes but he’s a nice guy. He told me about my history and made me aware of what happened… well… time for a new chapter maybe. I don’t know.. I don’t know, but its, lets hear him out. I think that’s the least we can do. I mean the place does seem impressive.

Q: I wasn’t here for business I was here for you

F: Do you really mean that?

Q: Why were you in the butcher army?

Q: Work in the cabinet?

Q: You have always had the same interests as me

Q: Because of those past experiences is why I went to see you.

F: You’re. ..Making me smile..

Q:And im not saying it to make you smile.. im saying it to make you think

Q: This is not las Nevadas… this is home. If you decide to join the country.. this simply will be home.

Q:For the longest time I didn’t have a home.. I had two houses in my lifetime, one was in the lmanburg house. Infant we had a dispute as neighbors… and another house underneath Karls house.. but I never intend to go back

F:You literally can’t go back there right?

Q:Do you want me to be honest fundy?

Q:As much as I love to see this as a new beginning… for me it was a necessity.. it was either starting a new chapter or rotting away in self pity.

F:Quackity I don’t really know if this stage is good…

Q:Fundy, you are more then happy to offer your contributions..

F:You’d allow me to do that?

Q:Fundy look at me and listen to me carefully.. I own this place, this place is mine and I am under rule of nobody, no Tommy, Tubbo, Schlatt, Fundy we can do whatever we want under any means, we don’t have to worry about going to war every single week..

Fundy we can finally go everything we want to. And that freedom means more to me then this SMP could ever offer.. We are FREE here.. .this is HOME fundy..

Its home.. this entire place is home, its ours… just like that I have been working on this for a long time just so someone to say you can’t do this you can’t do that you can’t express yourself

Im so tired of people telling me my entire fucking life that I can’t do something. And this is why this place- this is home fundy, this is HOME

I get it Fundy I get it, and we both have been in this situation quackity, we both know what its like to be put down, and to be written on paper and work for months and we know how that feels

And you and me unlike most people

I wish we could include tubbo on that but Tommy Wilbur had that share of power for awhile..

But you and I quackity we had so many ideas but we were pushed aside with our ideas and now all of thats changed and we can do something about it

F: Did you know I visited Paris eeveryyear as a kid?

Q: It wasnt a coincidence fundy…

F: It feels like home.. fundy it feels like home

Q: I don’t think there’s been amount in my life where I’ve been this happy.. And we offer all sorts of entertainment if someone wants

Q: Fundy you gotta chose the people you trust wisely, and Fundy I’ve put trust and hope more trust then hope . I gave too much benefit of the doubt when we were in the lmanburg cabinet, I used to think that somehow which the people we ruled over would someday strive for peace and love and maybe… but thats bullshit fundy… thats bullshit of what people want.. and that breaks my heart fundy.. but you know what? We are here now.. and all this.. you’re gonna see fundy..

F: But what if. What if it happens again Quackity? Quackity I’ve been thinking I told you about the nightmares and stuff quackity.. .once the nightmares finally end and the continuous loop finally escapes and want to know what I see I just see myself. And it tells me that you know.. that every single time.. it always leads me to believe that its always me… and that its crazy.. thats crazy..

Q: Fundy? Don’t talk nonsense… don’t talk nonsense on las Nevadas

F: sorry. Im sorry

Q: No fundy don’t apologies, you and I have been kicked in the ground and you and I have been undermined for so long,, and it doesn’t matter.. where are they?

Q: Wilbur as far as I am aware is dead..

Q: Tommy.. I haven’t even heard of Tommy in so long for all we know hes still chasing that disk

At one point of all of these friends I considered friends they are all still chasing the same thing over and over again and they think thats going to change… but thats the thing you have to create the change yourself.

But until you finally realize your own self worth as a warrior and an excellent member I don’t want you in las nevadas.. I care for you as a person, you’re not a business partner you’re not some asset some pawn, you’re my friend and I rather you work on yourself and realize your self worth.

And that point I don’t want you to be far away from me

You know what fundy? I still want you to find yourself….. Theres so much unused land here.. how about you take this plot here fundy and how about you build yourself a place you call home. Build whatever you want.. build your home’

F: Whatever I want? Actually? Like if I go back and find myself… if that ever were to happen.. this is the place I can call home? Right here?

Q: Build your legacy…. Fundy is big fundy is powerful fundy is smart… and translate all of those things into a nice big building…

F: Right now it doesnt strike me as the right thing to do.. well you know me better.

Q: Fundy.. you have to let go.. YOU HAVE TO LET GO..

F: I can do that.. I can do that.. .. its my choice its my decision

Q: Fundy.. pretend lmanburg never happened, pretend all of the wars never happened.. yell to the sky I am born again say I am born again I am no longer the old version of me.. it will take some time but I’m sure one day you will understand.. fundy im sure you will understand

Fundy I just have one last thing to say to you.. just follow me.. Look at this sign… Fundy… Welcome home fundy…

Welcome home..

F: You know at the end of the day.. he is actually nice..

Thats was friends do.. thats what friends do… good day actually good day.. my good friend.. who’s very busy lately… so what if he couldn’t visit me for three months.. and so a friend like me I can understand that people can be busy for three months like quackity or ever since I left… and im a good friend.. a bro.. you know what? You know what lil guy? I think I think… Im gonna have a good night… I think tonight might be different.. I think tonight im gonna have a good night…

#las nevadas #fundy #quackity #lmanburg #lmanberg #manburg #schlatt #wilbur #wilbur soot #tommyinnit #tubbo #quackityhq #ranboo #dreamsmp #dsmp #dreamwastaken

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random-mha-thoughts · 4 years

Text

Bad Boy (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x Reader

Genre: Angst to fluff, and a lil spice ;), No quirk!AU

Summary: You finally get to see your childhood friend Shouto after years of being separated only to find out he’s completely changed.

BGM: “Younger” by Ruel

Word count: 2,781

Tags: @yuki-osaki @liviitehe @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog @bunnythepipsqueak

a/n: God this photo fucked me up good when I first saw it.

I saw this picture on my search for images for my last Todo post aaaaand yeah, pretty self explanatory. I got to thinking, what if this poor baby finally snapped one day and was like "FUCK ENDEAVOR AND HIS ENTIRE PROGRAM, IM NOBODY'S MASTERPIECE" and he went the complete opposite direction. So enjoy a little bit of OOC Todoroki and a bit of a longer post than my usual stuff!

I’m really really sorry about not updating in the past few days. I was really swamped by college work and studying, and I was mentally exhausted and physically tired every day. Today wasn’t my day and I almost had a breakdown because a lot of things piled up in me, but I had to pull myself together somehow. Hopefully, after this week, I’ll go back to a somewhat regular posting schedule. Thanks for being patient with me guys, I really appreciate it :)

When my mom told me Shouto will be going to the same high school as me, I was expecting the same buttoned-up, shy, good boy from elementary school. Oh boy, was I wrong.

The boy I bump into in the hallway definitely looks like Shouto, but the only thing that's the same is his mismatched hair and eyes. Everything else about him was much different. His entire energy was different, even from the fraction of a second I focused on his face.

"Shouto?" I call when he's about to brush past me.

I don't think he's expecting someone to know him on the first day, pausing and looking down curiously.

The most shocking feature of all is the scar on his left side, a red blotch that covers the left side of his face, starkly contrasting his brilliant turquoise eye; a single ray of light in a scarlet sky.

As I'm gaping at the puckered skin, his eyebrows furrowing at my face as recognition slowly dawns on him. "(Y/n)?"

I'm relieved that he at least remembers me. "Yeah, hey." I don't really know what to do now. My first instinct is to hug him, but something tells me he isn't a fan of that sort of thing anymore. There's a coldness between us that's thick as a knife. "How have you been?"

"Fine," he answers curtly. His hands are stuffed into his pockets, leaning back in a way that seems uncharacteristic of him and more like a ruffian.

Does his not want to talk to me? I don't blame him, I haven't been in his life for a good eight years. "How are your parents?"

His jaw clenches. "Fine."

Oh. I struck a nerve. "Do you wanna catch up at lunch? What class are you in?"

"1-A." Overjoyed that we share the same class, I'm about to open my mouth, but he interjects, "But I don't think we should talk." That was the last thing he said before he strolls past me.

I'm stunned, following his receding back through the sea of students. I guess I shouldn't have brought up his parents when I know it's a sensitive topic, but I didn't know what else to say. And it's probably awkward to see someone you used to be close to talk to you again, but the least he could've been is polite. That's saying something, because Shouto was always the polite child.

Something is terribly wrong here.

Shouto has definitely changed since we were younger. He's become a delinquent.

He never even shows up to class. After our little encounter, he was slumped in his seat until the teacher finished role call, then he just got up and walked out in the middle of class and never came back. In all the days after that, his seat remained empty even at the beginning of the day.

At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. What if he happened to get sick and had to stay home? Then I saw his signature mismatched tuft of hair walking back home in the school yard, and I knew he was skipping.

After a whole two weeks passed of him skipping, I had enough. The Shouto I know would never cut class even if his life depended on it. During lunch, I went looking for him in the group of other delinquent kids in the back of the school.

"Todoroki?" the ash-blond ringleader ruffles his hair and scoffs, "Idiot must be off somewhere by himself like the damn loner he is. He picked a fight with me and I almost beat his ass into oblivion!"

I ball my fists up, more angry at Shouto than the group of boys eyeing me like a pack of wolves. "You guys are useless," I mumble, about to turn away from them.

"Aww, is he your boyfriend, sweetie?" the honey blond with a black streak in his hair smoothly wraps an arm around me. "He probably doesn't care about you, you deserve someone else who'll give you his time."

"Fuck off, who said you can touch me?" I shove his arm away and step back.

"Calm down there," the red head with sharp teeth taunts with a smirk, "You're getting a bit defensive. You sure you don't need help looking for your little prince?"

"I'm fine on my own, thanks," I huff, turning around to go look for Shouto elsewhere.

"Maybe I'll come with you," the overly-friendly boy blocks my way again. "If he's not your boyfriend, maybe we can get together sometime?"

"Not interested. Out of my way, Pikachu reject." I try to side-step him, but the leader grabs the back of my collar and whips me around so I'm face to face with his bared teeth.

"You're a bit rude, aren't you? Should I pull your head out your ass for you?" His crimson eyes glare his murderous intent into me.

I hold my ground, the anger against my irresponsible friend more powerful than any fear of this hothead possibly hurting me. "Don't act so tough if your talk is cheap."

He cracks his knuckles without breaking eye contact with me. "I'll show you cheap talk. Try waking up next week after I'm done with you!" he snarls.

I mirror his expression. I don't mind throwing hands at this guy if I have to, blood rushing through me to prepare for the fist fight. "I dare you-!"

"Enough, (Y/n)."

I can feel his presence right behind me even though he doesn't physically touch me.

Scarlet eyes shift behind me. "Took you long enough, hot shot. Your friend has just as much spunk as you, I'll kick both your asses!"

"I'd like to see you try, Bakugou," Shouto responds coldly. "We both know who'd win." Keeping his gaze locked on the aggressive male, he harshly grabs my arm and hauls me away. "Let's go."

I'm fuming with anger when we're back inside the building. I turn on him when he finally releases me, but he's already starting down the hall. "Don't walk away from me! We need to talk!" I stomp over, following him to an abandoned classroom. "What the hell is wrong with you?! First of all, you were a real ass when I talked to you last week. Second of all, you're not even coming to class like you should. And now you're already picking fights with that idiot out there? What's gotten into you Shouto?!"

"You were about to get into a fight as well. You should thank me," he comments coldly, slipping into a desk with books open on top.

"I could've handled it just fine without you! The only reason I was even there talking to them was because I was looking for you!" I hover over him, glaring down so he can tell how angry I am. "You'e skipped class all week, this isn't like you at all! How are you supposed to catch-?"

One glance down the the open books shows all the material we've been going over in class. He's already caught up to today's lesson, writing notes in his book and ignoring my presence. The entire setup makes me angrier. "I don't understand you, Shouto. What kind of act are you trying to pull? You're not a delinquent, why are you trying to act like one for everyone else? Or is this all because you're just trying to ignore me?"

His pencil stops moving and it slams down onto the desk. "A lot happened since you left, (Y/n)," the boy responds. His quivering voice indicates restriction of intense emotion.

The hurt is apparent across his entire face, calming me down. My gaze lingers on the left side of his features, over the eye that somehow looks perpetually sad. "How did you get that scar, Shouto?"

The boy's eyebrows furrow. "My father never let up on me after you left, and he got worse. My mother couldn't handle fighting him on her own anymore. One day, she snapped, told me how unsightly my left side was, and pouring boiling water over my face." His large hand gingerly covers his reddened skin. "And my bastard father put her in a mental institution after that. He did this."

My heart aches for my childhood friend, the boy I took care of and listened to all his problems. I can't imagine how much pain Rei was going through. For her to have lost it, she must've held such a heavy burden. When I had to move away, I felt so guilty about leaving him with all his troubles. He had no one else to reach out to and it was snatched from him. There wasn't a day I stopped thinking and worrying over him. I reach to take his hand and offer comfort. "Shou-"

Shouto bolts up from his seat, his taller figure hunching over mine, features screwed up in distaste. "You weren't there when I needed you most."

I'm taken back, hurt more than anything. "It's not my fault, we were so much younger, I didn't have a choice but to go with my parents."

A dark chuckle erupts from his lips, dismissing my excuses. "It's fine. It happened, I've learned to deal with it."

I'm about to blow my top with this kid. "Yeah, you've dealt really well, haven't you?" I roll my eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

My mouth gapes, letting out a sputtered scoff. "You're kidding. Just look at you! You're pretending to be someone you're not! You and I both know you were never the bad boy type when we were kids. You're the slightly awkward, naturally smart, driven, hardworking-"

"I was only those things because my father forced them on me," he passes by me, crossing his arms. "I don't want to be anything that bastard wants anymore. And if you can't see that, then we were never friends in the first place."

That's a stab in the chest. How can he say that we were never friends when we used to do everything together? A surge of fury rushing through me, I grab his arm to keep him from moving any farther. "You love watching superhero cartoons, your favorite was All Might. Sometimes, you're so damn lazy that instead of doing homework when you came home, you would sneak in a nap before your dad came home to see you slacking off. Your favorite food in the entire world is cold soba. You don't like extremely sweet desserts. You've always been insecure about how strange your mismatched hair and eyes look, but I always had to assure you that you're still the most handsome guy in our class."

Shouto halfway turns around to look at me.

"If we weren't friends, why do I know so much about you?" I take another bold step towards him, softening at the underlying pain etched into his features. "I know you always hated the way your dad expects so much from you. The only thing you ever wanted in your childhood was to be normal. The pressure finally crumbled down on you and your mom, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you through it. But you shouldn't abandon everything that you are. You took after your mom more than your dad; you're sometimes a sassy son of a bitch, but you're kind and have a deep respect for people you admire. You have a natural sense of humor that you don't even know you have. You care about the people you're close to, you only struggle with communicating how you feel sometimes."

His lips part slightly, processing everything I just showered onto him. Guilt eventually creeps up on him, choosing to rub the back of his neck. "You...always did know just what to say."

I smirk and engulf him into my long-awaited hug. "Who else would put you back in your place?"

His arms hesitantly wrap around my body, the act of sharing body warmth strange yet familiar to him. It's a small victory, but I'm relieved that we're back on speaking terms. I'm ready to resume protecting him as I should.

Shouto shifts in our embrace. "You said...I struggle with telling people how I feel...?" he mumbles sheepishly near my ear.

My boy perks with confusion. "Yeah, even when we first-"

"Would it suffice if..."

Before I can turn to search his face for what he could be implying, his grip around me loosens as he pulls back to look at me, one of his warm hands resting against my cheek. His face looms right in front of me, my breath catching in surprise, before he presses his lips to mine softly. The weightlessness in my stomach is unmistakable.

As quick and unexpected as it came, it also left, Shouto's half lidded gaze resting on me from a small distance away. All I can do is stare off dazed, still trying to process what just happened.

He leans back against the nearest desk in the front row. "I guess I should've asked first." I can see his cheeks and his ears turn almost as flushed as the color of his hair despite his hand covering half his face to hide it. "But it was the only way I can think to get my point across without stumbling over words."

My heart still flutters trying to recover back to normal, my knees shaking as I lean against the teacher's desk for stability. I resist the urge to touch my lips like a shocked schoolgirl, but I'm still trying to process the whole thing. "You know," I cough, "We did already kiss when we were like...five, so this wasn't really our first. But I don't usually count that-"

The intense color fades from his face almost at once, a darkness creeping into his gaze. "Then," he pins me back into the desk, hands on both sides of the wood to trap me, "I shouldn't have any qualms about doing it again."

Contrasting from his strong setup, his next kiss is still shy and hesitant. After exchanging a couple more tentative lip-caresses that still make my head spin, he's gotten his feet wet enough to go harder, establishing a rhythm between us. As his kisses intensify, his hands reach up to cup both sides of my nape, fingers tangling in my hair desperately and tilting my head up for a better angle. My own hands grasp the collar of his uniform, pulling him closer into the heat of the moment.

His body pushes me practically into sitting on top of the desk, moving one of his knees between my legs as he lets ones of his hands roam down to grip my waist. The sudden tug elicits a minute gasp, allowing Shouto to nip at my bottom lip before tugging my head back to trail soft kisses down my jaw. My fingers thread through his soft locks, letting him massage my neck with his mouth.

"W-Where did you learn all this?" I breathe out unsteadily, my breath refusing to return.

He straightens up and captures my lips in another slow kiss. "You'll never know." Another one. "I've admittedly imagined this for a while." The next kiss is much deeper, a hum vibrating from his chest as his fingers dig into my side again. "You're special, so dear." His mumbles between kisses become more incoherent as his kisses become messy.

"Shouto." I finally manage to push him away for me to breathe and calm my dizzy head. Both of us are panting. His half-lidded eyes and flushed face tempt me, but the fear of someone walking by suddenly alerts in my mind. "Someone might see us. Besides, isn't there something you need to say?"

His brow lifts. "I'm...sorry for being rude to you last week."

"That was needed, too," I chuckle, "But there's something else."

Confusion crosses his features. "Have I done something else wrong?"

My hands slide down to grip his hands. "Don't you need to ask me to date you officially?"

The tint of rose on his cheeks intensifies a shade. "I thought it was clear already..."

Another chuckle bubbles from my lips and I lean up to kiss his warm cheek. "I'll let it pass because I want to date you too." His face begins to light up in joy, but I push off from the desk and tow him out of the room. "But you have to start coming to class again."

Shouto catches up to keep pace with me and presses a kiss to my forehead. "Done."

"And you need to see a therapist, Mr. Bad Boy."

He breaks out into a smile at that nickname. "I'll think about it."

#todoroki x reader #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #todoroki shouto #shouto todoroki #no quirks au #todoroki angst #angst to fluff #gender neutral reader #todoroki imagine #todoroki scenario #mha todoroki #bnha todoroki #mha x reader #bnha x reader #mha fanfiction #bnha fanfiction

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1170

survey by purplehugger

Would you ever get a tattoo? I would love to get one, and plans are definitely set for that. It’s just a matter of knowing when I’m finally finally FINALLY ready to have something permanent placed on my skin.

Can you live without your phone? Technically yes, but I would have a very hard time since I use it for a lot of things, if not all the things I do on a daily basis; and I imagine I’d grow cranky very fast.

What animal do you resemble? I’m not so sure about resemble...I can tell you my personality matches best with dogs, though. I always have a great time with them.

What is your best friend’s name? I have two of them, Angela and Andi.

What is/was your favorite subject in school? History, followed by honestly any social sciences course out there...geography, anthropology, political science, etc. I definitely hogged those classes in college as much as my curriculum allowed me to.

Would you ever adopt a stray puppy? I would adopt every single one I see if I could.

Do you like chocolate? Chocolate-flavored sweets, yes. Actual chocolate or chocolate bars, not so much.

What is your favorite word? Poignant always seems to hit me straight in the feels.

Have you ever done something really stupid? Erm, of course? I do it at least once a day.

What was the worst mistake you ever made? Y’all have heard it a million times by now, but it’s tolerating shit I knew I didn’t deserve. Also, touching a plugged clothes iron when I was 7.

Can you say the alphabet backwards? I did at one point, but I didn’t practice it and now I don’t know how to do it anymore.

How high can you count? Any number as long as money is involved, hahaha.

You are very loved. True or False? True.

Do you like Taylor Swift? Not so much.

Do you want any piercings? Yes, one on each of my ears; I got pierced as an infant.

Have you ever stolen something? Random lost pens at school.

Do you like seafood? Looooooove seafood. I literally have 24 pieces of sushi right next to me right now; just a lil Friday treat for myself heehee.

What is your least favorite name? That seems a bit harsh. I don’t think I hate any name that much so as to call it my least favorite.

What do you want to name your child? Olivia or Mia is still on the table for me.

Do you like the color green? Just the olive shade. Otherwise it’s my least favorite color.

Do you have lots of friends? I would say I have enough to be happy. I don’t know what exactly ‘many’ means.

Are you listening to anything right now? Yeah, my friend group put up a Discord server just tonight and Jo proceeded to start a BTS playlist earlier. Everyone’s since hopped out for the night, but the playlist is still on so I’ll be staying around for the meantime and vibe. :) Just me, BTS, and my sushi haha.

What time is it? 10:04 PM.

Are you hungry? No, I’m taking bites every once in a while as I take this survey.

What was the last thing you ate? Sushi. I got 3 kinds for tonight: Singaporean Roll, Dynamite Roll, and Mount Fuji Roll. All so good.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? I never did.

Do you know any gay people? Many.

Do you have any pets? Yes.

Would you ever own a monkey? Probably not. I wouldn’t be equipped to care for them.

Do you enjoy reading? Essays and memoirs, yes.

survey by xxbieberburnham

Do you know anyone who has been attacked by a shark? Not to my knowledge.

What is your best friend's mom name? Girlie and Ria.

Have you ever made out in a movie theatre? No.

What part of your body do you wash first? Hair.

Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie.

How do you think the dinosaurs died? Giant asteroid.

What's your favorite flavor of Pringles? Just the original one. But tbh Pringles are so addictive anyway, I’ll always take more than one of any flavor if they were ever offered to me.

What was the last thing you got grounded for? Low grades, which was really the only reason why I ever got grounded.

Did you go to a water park last summer? No, and I doubt anyone else did either...

What shoe do you put on first? Usually the right.

Finish the sentence: Girls... Are powerful.

Have you ever had a song or poem written about you? Poem, yeah. I don’t think I would particularly appreciate an entire song being written about me though, I think that would just make me cringe lol.

Did you have a nickname growing up? Nothing like an affectionate pet name. My longest-lasting nickname is just a shortened version of my name used by family, but otherwise everyone calls me by my first name.

When was the last time you played the air guitar? Never.

Have you ever bitten your toenail? Only as a kid.

How often do you clean out your ears? Every other day.

Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Fold.

Have you ever been dared to do something that you regretted? Nothing major. One instance I can remember is when I was dared to pick up food from the ground, and when I bit into it it already had some tiny tiny stones and some debris on it D:

Favorite website? Twitter, probably. Or YouTube.

Worst thing that has ever happened to you? Losing two relatives I was close to in the span of four days to Covid. I am so fucking glad we made the decision to celebrate Christmas with extended family last year, no matter how ignorant it was. It absolutely sucks that I will never see them again.

Best thing that has happened to you? Recovering from my depression last year and choosing to stay. I’m living a really happy life rn.

If you could dye your hair any color, what color would it be? Dark green.

Do you have a Wii? We used to but we threw it out a few years ago since it wasn’t working anymore.

Most used phrase on IM? I think I just say “Hahahahaha” excessively lmao. Picked it up from my bosses.

Have you ever heard of The Beatles? Yes.

#survey #surveys #two in one because i found them too short

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hyunarkarchive · 5 years

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oh my stress;;

“'tis i, a writer, togetherslapper of words.”

knowing that my own five year anniversary at rookies is in about two months makes me actually really emotional, and most of you know, i don’t really get emotional about stuff like this.

i’m here to talk about all the fucking shit storms i brought. starting from good ol’ ellyrk, who turned into yuriirk and currently known as hyunark, as well as, rkxwoozi, aka jihoonrk, fucking namtaerk, eunwoork, minhyunrk, younghyunrk 1.0, junhoerk aka younghyunrk 2.0. i am about 100% sure i’m missing someone BUT YOU KNOW, we can let that muse stay in dungeon vile.

not even 10 minutes later

oh yeah- minhork was it? minhxrk??? idk what his url was, shortlived lovely muse i tell you. jisungrk was a thing for like 6 months. however, as you can see, i have a lot of muses, 11 in total, well 8 if you remove younghyun 1.0 & 2.0 and jihoon.

its been nearly five years since i joined rookies and ive made a lot of memories here. good, bad, amazing, mediocre. a lot of memories than pretty much just range. can you believe i’ve actually cried a few times about rookies related thing? yeah, me neither, but here we are hahaha. i will probably not edit this at all, so if you see spelling mistakes, or maybe something is repeated, just ignore it please, its from the heart.

this place really helped me develop my writing, vocabulary and definitely social skills. i might suck at threading and replying on time, but i have to say, all the muns here are amazing!!! i remember when i first joined, oh boy was i fucking terrified of the fact that i SUCKED at writing. i was so cautious about what i write and how i spoke and i think some of you could remember it haha. i’ve also managed to make some amazing friends throughout my stay here, all of them older than me, as well haha and i was babied so much i always found it funny, but very thankful because some of the life lectures i got where definitely needed.

however, i will take a few minutes to write about the last three standing; hyunark, jihoonrk and younhhyunrk

hyunark:

my first ever tumblr muse. my first rookies muse. my longest standing muse. she;s gone through a lot, and honestly, she will continue to do; i wasn’t all that good with her in the beginning, now i see a lot of gaps and weird stuff whenever i have to go read something to remind myself of events and so on. however, i really love her, and i’ve gotten a bit too attached to her haha. can you blame me tho? from ellyrk, to yuriirk, now hyunark, there have been alot of ups and downs but i am happy where she’s come. to being a potential walking scandal, to being in two survival shows, to being the first muse at rookies to not be offered a contract renewal, to another survival show, to a nova trainee after being cut short twice by hyunbin. she had gone through alot of character development and its shaped her a lot better than i ever could, for which i need to say my thanks to the mods of rookies for it, because without them, hyunark would probably be headed in a completely different direction haha. however, she still focuses on producing, writing lyrics and ever since she got into nova as a trainee, she’s focused on her dance as well because she doesn’t wanna be called an uncooked noodle anymore. her dream is to be a recognized producer and lyricist, and will fight for that title.

jihoonrk:

jihoork was previously known as rkxwoozi. i even used his original blog when i re-applied with him;; he lasted a bit under a year in all honesty the first time and i specifically remember that the reason for that was being signed under trc. it was a pretty unfortunate time for him to be signed, with all the scandals that happened and what not. i was a tad regretful that i dropped him to be honest, which is all the reason to why he was brought back. tbh, he didn’t change in that like 6 months gap he was away. he was the same moody gremlin everyone knew and loved. if you had asked me, a few years ago if i thought jihoon would debut, i’d laugh and say no fucking way, but here we are, when he is a member of convex and got to debut with his longets lasting friend, sehun and best friend seungcheol. so he is living the dream you know? even if he doesn’t show it, he is grateful and appreciates everything that’s happening around him and to him. his main goal right now is to be the variety ace of convex and is working slowly to achieve that goal.

yonghyunrk:

ahhh here we go;; my last muse who had to undergo something similar to jihoonrk;; i brought him in, because i had this idea of a metal head, who really just wanted fame and girl and guys. however, stuff happened, i couldn’t get him to have threads i wanted and so i dropped him. again, i pretty much reapplied a few months later with junhoerk which was basically younghyunrk 2.0 and eventually, i realized that the muse deserved its original fc and here we are again with younghyunrk. to be honest, i don’t even know how i managed to get him to go to mga4, but he went and caused chaos with chungha and we all know how much fun he actually had haha;; he still doesn’t like dance, and will probably not enjoy it until he gets signed and coach tells him he can’t dance and JUST out of spite, he will get better at it. ultimately, he wishes to debut on a band, he wouldn’t really mind if he gets placed at any instrument, as long as he gets to sing. he still wants to reach paradise city, as guns ‘n roses have said.

quick mentions to some of my other muses as well. its funny how all my other muses lasted for months as well;; honorary mentions will go to namtaerk, minhxrk and probably minhyunrk, i won’t be really talking about them, so focusing on eunwoork and jisungrk;

i can without a doubt say that these are my more interesting muses, or eunwoo at least. her dream was to become a musical actress and was a serial dater; she’d date a lot of people, girls and boys, and wouldn’t really bat an eyelash once it was all over. never really had long term relationships either. she was into photography and her photography instagram was more popular than her personal one and she didn’t mind haha.

jisungrk wanted to be a professional football player and he was never really interested in becoming an idol, which made him fun to play. however, he was a really young muse, i think i made him 16? yeah, i think he was 16 and after that i realized i can’t do young muses;; its just weird for me, i have no clue what middle school kids actually do haha, i remember i just slept and did nothing all day, didn’t even study whoops.

but yeah, these two muses were very short lived but fun and i think that one day, if rkforthmuse is allowed, i highly doubt it, i will bring back eunwoork because she deserved more attention than i ever gave her.

now i will do a few mentions, by a few i mean it will be a lot;; i’m sorry if i get sappy or anything;; please accept my love <33

ABBIE - @seungcheolrk & @rkwon & @rkgwen - sunshine, my lovely amazing sunshine;; thank you. thank you, thank you. its been nearly five years of friendship, can you imagine it? soon, in just two months, it will be half a decade and i am extremely grateful;; i can’t explain it and i know that even saying it on a daily basis to you, it won’t be enough;; its funny how we started talking through rksoo and ellyrk, and now here we are, four years later, rkjicheol being in the same company, debuting together, in the same group. in all honesty, i remember when i dropped jihoon and then picked him up after like, literally two months, and it was one of the best decisions i ever made. i always have fun talking to you, plotting and threading and i honestly wish i did it a lot more than i currently do, but you know, uni is kicking my ass hasljdhlas anyway;; thank you, sunshine, thank you a lot and for these almost five years i love you a lot 🍅🍅🍅

HUNNIE - @yutark & @rksunwoo & @rkseokwoo - where do i even start?? like, oh wow, there is A LOT;; i can definitely say, we started talking when i suggested jihoon as sunwoo’s first kiss and look where the are now? dating, for what? seven months, can you believe that? SEVEN!!! this is insane haha;; and look and where we are now, talking on a daily basis, and its very very nice;; i don’t know what i would do nowadays without you, so i’m really really thankful you deal with my sorry ass so much ahdsdsalla it started with jihoon and sunwoo, then it transitioned to younghyun and yuta, and most recently, its been yuta and hyuna and their lil game of cat and mouse;; its always fun plotting with you, threading, talking, everything really;; and i really hope it will continue to be this way;; i love you

LYN - @rkxsnn & @rkavery - hello there mum!!! impressed im starting with you? anyway, i have A LOT OF THANK YOUS TO TELL YOU, starting from dealing with me, to helping me get through college, to life advice, to all the skype calls we had, a lot of things in these past few years. even if we don’t talk as much and i know you have life kicking u in the ass, i wish we could change that soon;; i miss you a lot;; all of your muses are amazing and i absolutely adore them, as much as i do you!! hmu soon;; minsoo and elly were iconic, and he will forever be a huge part of her;; remember that mino and taehyun ship we had? good angst times lbr.

JEN - @yujurk - sup there mum number 2 even though i act older than you, you can’t even lie about that haha; you were one of the first people i started talking to in rookies, and still do on a weekly basis? daily? you get the point haha;; damn, i don’t think we ever argued as well, which is insane and you do give good advice and oh my god your muses are so funnnnnnnnnn bring all of themmmmmmmm innnnnnnnnnnnnn;; i’m so so happy that you came back to rookies after that hiatus;; really really happy;; jieun and hyuna are iconic partners in crime;; jihoon is grateful that jieun taught him how to sing;; hyuna thinks soyeon will forever haunt her, no doubt;; jkook is forever jihoon’s bunny you can fight him about it;; eunwoo says jkook never took her on a date, she’s upset about it haha

CLARA - @rkwendy & @rkjohnny - clara clara clara. you really love having me send the group chat into gay panic huh? i will forever continue to do it, do not worry. once a week sound good? hahah;; i wish we talked more than we do lately, but its always fun no matter what it is;; i also know for sure, you have my back and we can take over a country if we tried hard enough lbr;; i think we mainly stared talking when the brosquad/antisquad happened, which was pretty much when i joined rookies haha;; so again, nearly five years of friendship look at that!! we need to talk more and you need to tell me more baking recipes!! i think it was hyuna and wendy that we first got to interact and then wendy and jihoon and funny enough, i feel like jihoon and wendy are closer than hyuna and wendy haha;; then younghyun joined the picture to fully annoy wendy out of this word;; we need to thread more sobs;; lets make that happen yeah?

SHINOBI - @rkkangjoon & @rkgray- hello there shinobi. i think our meet up scenario was the same as with clarea, huh? brosquad/antisquad;; we should talk more, that’s a definite but i think that with hyuna&kangjoon we have gotten a lot closer than before and its really cute and nice and i love it qwq gray and hyuna need to release a hit song someday, we better make that happen yeah??? good!!

SACHA - @rkrose & @rkkyungri - i am super super duper ultra mega giga happy we got to talk a lot in the past few months, get to know each other and its very very nice;; i always have fun talking to you and i know i can lean on you if my day has been shitty, and i am sorry if i’ve had a lot of shitty days sadhljsajldnl ahhh, but yes, our muses will go through a lot and i’m really happy you enjoy it and i hope we can see them grow and develop!!

ANI - @rkchungha & @rksohee& @rkmiya - what am i actually gonna do without you, that’s a very very good question i was asking myself recently. its really weird we never really talked a lot until younghyun was brought into rookies, which was i think this year huh? funny, very weird, what life was i living without you in it?? hahaha, anyway, i’m really glad and happy having chungha and younghyun so close got us to be closer as well, even if i set you into rp panic with random questions and potential scenarios haha;; i’m glad you enjoy them;;; love you lots!!

CARLY - @taeminrk & @rkluna & @danielxrk - we don’t really talk much, but in reality, i actually don’t know where i’d be rn if i couldn’t come to you with stupid questions and inquiries;; i wish you all the best in every possible aspect of life and love seeing you on the dash;; ngl i am also extremely and forever sorry that you have to read through hyunark’s post from like three years ago, that;s some nasty writing right there yikes;; but thank you for taking rookies under your wing and just expanding it and making it better and better with the rest of the mod team;; keep up the good work!!

a very special thanks to all of the royal girls, @rkxnarong , @rkyena , @rkella , @rkcheri , @rksoohyun , @rklisa , @rkrose who made royal survival a blessing, her stay in royal amazing as well;; special thanks to all the royal boys, ex ones count as well, fight me @rkbyunbaek , @jaehyunrk , @kibumrk, @yienrk , @rkseonho, thank you for being a part of hyunark’s journey in royal fun and emotional lbr;; you guys managed to make royal fun for me as well, so thank you so so so much to every single one of you guys;;

a huge thank you for og trc roster that’s still here and dealt with jihoon;s sorry ass back then; a huge thank you for the kt roster that had to deal with jihoon as well, even if it was for a short amount of time;; a huge thank you for sphere, and convex members @seungcheolrk , @rkhyun , @rkjinwook , @kibumrk , @rkjinkis , @rktaeyxng , @tenrk , @rkxroyal , @rkohsehun , @yienrk , @rkromeo , @rkzyx, who will now have to deal with jihoon like it not, but i apologize on his behalf;; even if i don’t say it often, i am really really happy jihoon got to debut with your boys and i’m happy i get to interact with all of you so much;; thank you, thank you, thank you;;

thank you rookies, for such an amazing time!! i can only wish and hope for many more!!!

#;wordcount/2715 #rkfifth #[[ im an emotional ball of sap rn #[[ thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

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thrufiyah · 3 years

Text

Midnight Sept 28 2021 12:30am

Midnight thoughts

Finally got babygirl to go to sleep hopefully she’ll stay asleep. Homeboy over here dont even know I got up or that I’m sitting up typing rn ha smh. Anyway... honestly... lately been feeling lonely but with support if that makes sense...

Lots of paperwork here to fill out reg benefits, insurance, etc but it’s working out gradually. might be able to get a cabin soon for my own lil fam so we’ll see how that works out and we plan to move next year so we’ll see how that works out too...

kinda leaning towards going our own way bc its a lotta hands involved and the left doesn’t always know what the right is doing or diff views on everything kinda confusing rn but itll work out

def an adjustment period. but just kinda feel lonely bc not rly anyone to talk to about honest thoughts? honestly? sometimes doubting... but excited in planning? now that were officially getting our own room to fill up w our own stuff is kinda sorta cool but not sure how it will go when the weather is bad

just gonna just keep typing as i go until i get rudely interrupted. lol

kinda bummed that i won’t be able to do this once lo arrives bc thatll be two bebes to constantly watch and never have time for myself

i always told myself not to have kids until i was financially stable and i broke the one promise to myself...... the one thing i didn’t want for my life..... but GOD you make a way when there’s no way

what else... worried about bebe growing if she’s ok normal all parts eating enough growing enough just idk.. always gonna be wondering...

ill even be wondering when both kids grow up and things will come up like disabilities along the way and that scares me. not in the fact that i can’t handle it but how their life will be as they grow up

just hoping they have everything that they need and grow up happy and feel loved all the time and able to express themselves....

my patience does run thin these days but maybe its my hormones? but again maybe not lol haha

wow everytime i come back here i feel different and im always at a different stage in my life.

missing my family in the way of how they remind me of who i am and where i came from they say ive grown up and that im independent but idk how much of that is really true

what else... dont rly talk to anyone much either... if anything it’s hb’s mom and then hb and even that isn’t much

daylight savings time is diff - sun didn’t go down until 7pm-8pm and it felt different. finally found my favorite grocery store that gives me a little piece of home and got to see a new side of town with the shops near the mall.. that was exciting lol

it’s really such a trip how much of a stop life is at the moment rn but i guess its a way to tell me we got to slow down hashtag cashaley haha

teddyswims and allenstone were dope on that yt video though lol

i oughta listen to more music to mellow out! haha. DEF need my own headphones or earpods... which HB didn’t give away my freakin mpower flames... lol. but headphones be hurting my ears but also i be needing them sometimes to chill or watch a movie

idk what the future holds but im holding on jesus lol im holding on....

hmm what else. lately ive been WAY TOO addicted to chocolate... and hmm what else... i need a journal just for notes like shopping lists, to do lists... etc.

glad im back in the tumblr and pinterest world lol. but pinterest to me seem like fleeting dreams and a whole lotta money mama does NOT have haha

hoping my work visa comes in soon so that i can apply for the residency one in december as soon as baby is born lol.

i can’t believe i dont remember if i bled a lot or not after giving birth last year... but last year was such a year of turmoil trials and tribulations... so to me i get it.. but yeah anyway

it’s weird... i feelike im here and not here.. maybe bc of lockdown and now in level 3 but a lot of empty dreams happening! but goals are def being met and worked on and completed so i can’t complain about that

i get worried everyday if bebe in there is still kicking so many horrifying and sad stories around the world its just no way to protect your kids idek

as far as self care... i was kind of doing it but at least im cleaning more and helping around the house more? i just hope im not slacking where it’s most important

what else.... hm.... what else is on my mind tonight. body be SORE LIKE A MF. from having to be a 25/8 366 day arm pillow, having huge ass legs to lay on my side, damn i miss my side lmao, to having to share a freakin blanket lmao.

idk just a lot going on and not rly any outlet to do. this mf still aint notice im sitting here lol anyway

what else is on my mind.... for some reason i really wanna find more haircare stuff lol. i need pa’us lol and rubberbands, scrunchies, bins, what else... idek but i need it alll please and thank you lol

babygirl is kod rn so cute but baby just dont move sleep peacefully by yourself for now haha

anyway we’ll find out this week if we’re gonna move to the next chapter and hopefully nana approves of our new plan idek

what else... i swear i clean up and two seconds later its a mess again in here

trying not to be too paranoid about stuff in here but it gets to me when they all start to puss ugh yuck fkn gross man but well get by maybe the nzbugs aint used to american fat skin haha

fitness is something im def looking forward to out here... kinda need to go for walks more often whether its just down the street or the small park nearby which here is called the bush lol

dont even get me startttttted on vocabulary... lets see what ive learned so far here...

bush / wop wops - foresty tree area, gumboots - rainboots, jumper - jacket or longsleeve? dairy/superette - small convenience store not connected to a gas station, what else... rubbish - trash... idek cant think of anything else... oh chocolate is specifically chocolate and lollies are gummies and others i guess... newspaper rolling for all food leftover or compost i guess... idk thats all i can think of for now

what else..... that was GROSS bruh. haha tay said don’t lose your venacular... lol. maybe if i keep listening to throwbacks that remind me of home...

ok i feel better i guess now that i wrote down some thoughts gonna try to put these clothes away and then get some rest for tomorrow

kbye!

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thelastspeecher · 6 years

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An Egg Stan AU Reunion

So, recently I’ve become invested in the Egg Stan AU again. It’s a variation of the MerGucket AU, where when Ford gets mermaidified, Stan also gets mermaidified, but into a mer egg instead of a grown mer. Ford ends up raising Stan as his son, and there’s some good angst. There’s also some good fluff, though, bc Shermie is a thing in this AU, and is in a relationship with none other than Angie MerGucket. Complicated? Yeah. But still fun. So here’s a ficlet with Ford finding out that his older brother is now in a relationship with his mate Fiddleford’s younger sister. Awkward sibling reunion time!

“Angie and her mate found themselves a cute lil place,” Fiddleford remarked as he swam up to the door. Ford nodded.

“Agreed,” Ford said. “But why are they living in a separate house? Isn’t it mer tradition to only leave your parents’ house after you’ve had enough children that it’s too crowded?”

“That’s correct. Angie tried tellin’ her mate that, but he still insisted on their own house.” Fiddleford shook his head. “He calls Angie his wife, too, not his mate. He actually corrects folks on that. I s’ppose he’s still adjustin’ to mer culture.”

“I know what that feels like,” Ford mumbled. Stan, whom he was currently carrying on his back, leaned forward, his arms brushing up against the gills on Ford’s neck.

“What’d you say, dad?” Stan asked. Ford smiled and ruffled Stan’s hair.

“Nothing important.”

“You can understand why I’m eager fer ya to meet ‘im,” Fiddleford said to Ford. Ford nodded.

“Have you met Angie’s mate yet?”

“Once. He’s a nice enough feller. A bit strange, but he might just be actin’ that way ‘cause he’s still adjustin’.” Fiddleford knocked on the door. “Stanley, remember to behave yourself. I know yer excited to see yer Auntie Angie again, but she’s still recoverin’ from what she went through.”

“What did she go through?” Stan asked.

“Ya don’t need to know the details. Just know that there were some issues involvin’ yer cousins comin’ into the world.”

“Is that why we’re just visiting ‘em now?” Stan asked. “Auntie Angie ‘n her mate ‘n my cousins moved in last week.”

“That’s correct,” Ford said with a nod. “The four of them needed some time to relax and adjust.” The door opened. Ford looked at the merman in the doorway. His jaw dropped. “…Sherman?”

“Stanford?” the merman, Shermie Pines, said quietly.

“What are you doing here?” Ford asked.

“I live here with my wife and children,” Shermie answered. He frowned. “I feel like I should be asking you what you’re doing here.”

“Visiting!” Stan chirped happily. Shermie abruptly noticed Stan on Ford’s back. He smiled warmly.

“Visiting, huh?”

“Yessir,” Fiddleford interjected. He held out a hand. “Shermie, we met once ‘fore. I’m Angie’s older brother Fiddleford.” Shermie nodded slowly and shook the offered hand.

“That’s right, Angie said her brother, his significant other, and son would be stopping by today.” Shermie looked at Stan, clearly thinking. “What’s your name, kiddo?”

“Stan!” Stan tugged on Ford’s hair. “This ‘s my dad.” He pointed at Fiddleford. “‘N that’s my pa!” Ford froze, ice running through his veins.

Oh, no.

“You’ve got two fathers?” Shermie asked Stan. Stan nodded eagerly. Shermie smiled. “That’s lucky. Most people only get one.” Ford blinked in surprise.

I didn’t expect him to respond so well.

“Shermie, who’s at the door?” Angie called from inside the house.

“Your brother and his family.”

“Let ‘em in! They want to see the guppies.”

“Babies,” Shermie muttered under his breath. He moved to the side, allowing Ford, Fiddleford, and Stan to enter. The front door led directly into a cozy living room, where Angie was sitting on a couch. Stan unlatched his arms from around Ford’s neck and swam over to Angie.

“Auntie Angie!” Stan shouted. Angie chuckled.

“Howdy there, lil Stanley. How’s my cutest nephew doin’?”

“Good,” Stan said, embracing Angie tightly. “I’m ‘cited to meet my cousins.”

“Then ya came to the right place, ‘cause there’s a lil boy and lil girl in the nursery who ‘re eager to meet you.” Angie looked up at Ford and Fiddleford, beaming. “Glad y’all could make it.”

“Wait, Angie, you’ve met Ford before?” Shermie asked. Angie nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I…didn’t think it merited tellin’?” Angie said, cocking her head.

“You didn’t think you should tell me that you met my younger brother?” Shermie persisted. Angie’s mouth dropped open.

“I thought ya looked similar! But I just sort of assumed that my ‘all humans look the same’ bias was actin’ up again.”

“I thought Auntie Angie’s new mate used to be human,” Stan said, confused. “How come he’s your brother, dad?”

“Um…” Ford looked at Fiddleford, who shrugged. “He’s my…half-brother? Our father met his human mother, then left her for a mermaid, my mother.”

“Hmm.” Stan frowned. “Okay.”

“Your son doesn’t know-” Shermie started.

“Stanley, I think yer dad and yer Uncle Shermie have some stuff to catch up on,” Angie interrupted. “Why don’t we go check on yer new cousins while they talk ‘bout borin’ grownup stuff?”

“Okay!” Stan said happily. Angie got off the couch.

“You gentlemen figure things out,” she said shortly. “I’ve had enough drama in my life recently. I need a break.”

“Of course, honey,” Shermie said. Angie took a hold of Stan’s hand and swam away. Shermie gestured at the couch. Ford and Fiddleford both sat down. Shermie continued to tread water a few feet off the ground. “Stanford, start talking.”

“About what?”

“Everything!” Shermie burst out. “If you’re Fiddleford’s…”

“Mate,” Fiddleford supplied. A sour look appeared on Shermie’s face. “You really don’t like that term.”

“Of course I don’t. It’s dehumanizing.”

“You’re not human,” Ford pointed out.

“And neither are you! That’s what I’m getting at! When did you become a merman? Why? Did you fall in love with Fiddleford and decide to live with him? Is this why you haven’t talked to your family in years? We thought you and Stanley were dead.” Ford looked down. “Where’s Stanley?”

“He’s…” Ford started. He trailed off.

“Six feet under, I’d guess,” Shermie said softly. “If you named your son after him…that can’t be a good sign. And Stan loves kids, he woulda wanted to see Caleb and Cadenza.”

“He did,” Fiddleford said. Shermie waved a hand, frustrated.

“Not your son, Ford’s twin!”

“Those two folks are one and the same,” Fiddleford said. Shermie shook his head.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“It’s- it’s-” Ford clasped his hands together and took a deep breath. “It’s tied into why I’m mer now. I didn’t get transformed into a merman through the usual route, ingesting the magical plant.”

“Then how?” Shermie pressed.

“It happened four years ago. Stan and I were on our ship, going about our day as usual. But out of nowhere, a sea monster attacked us. It- it spat at us, coating much of the ship in its strange saliva. I was almost drenched in it, but Stan- Stan pushed me out of the way, taking the brunt of the blow. Everything abruptly went black, and I woke up underwater, as a merman, and Stan was- was gone. At least, I thought he was. I caught sight of a large, fishlike egg on the seafloor. I swam over to it and picked it up. I knew, somehow, that this…this egg was Stan.” Shermie sank down onto an armchair, staring at Ford. “I have my suspicions about why the sea monster targeted us. I worked with a rather shady character, prior to the incident, and Stan convinced me to stop working with the individual in question.”

“What would that have to do with a sea monster coming after you and Stan?” Shermie asked.

“This individual has magical capabilities, and far too many allies,” Ford said carefully.

“Not to mention, the critter what did this to Stan ‘n Ford never leaves its nest,” Fiddleford added. “It’s a malevolent entity that merfolk know very well. Not once in recorded history has it gone after a ship so far from its home.”

“This is all very fantastical,” Shermie said softly. “But I shouldn’t doubt it. I’ve been in the midst of fantastical things myself lately.” He paused. “Ford, how did you meet Fiddleford?”

“After the incident, I panicked,” Ford said. He rubbed the back of his neck. “I swam around in circles, trying to decide what to do. Eventually, I came across Angie and her brother Lute, who did not believe me when I told them I used to be human.” Shermie leaned forward.

“Why not?”

“I don’t have a belly button anymore. That creature completely rewrote my genetic information. I don’t have any characteristics that indicate I used to be human.”

“Well, that explains why Stan believes you were born mer,” Shermie muttered.

“Anyways, Angie and Lute didn’t believe me, but they still brought me to their house, because I was clearly in distress and needed help. I eventually proved to the MerGuckets I was born human, told them the story, and…fell in love with Fiddleford.” Ford swallowed nervously after ending his story. Shermie merely nodded slightly.

“Okay. But why are you raising Stan as your son?” Shermie asked, not addressing the last thing Ford had said. “Couldn’t you raise him as your brother?”

“I tried. But it was too much effort, correcting everyone. Stan himself got confused frequently, and…” Ford looked away. “I think that Stan deserves to have a decent father, since he’s been given a second chance.”

“That’s very compassionate of you,” Shermie said. He sighed. “I just have one more question. What’s the story you’re telling Stan, about how he came to be?”

“That my former mate, the mer that laid him, was killed by mer hunters, as were the rest of his clutch,” Ford said.

“That’s a nice enough backstory,” Shermie said with a nod. “Solid. Mom might even believe that.”

“Why are you bringing up Mom?” Ford asked. Shermie raised an eyebrow.

“Stanford, she deserves to know your whereabouts.”

“No, she doesn’t!” Ford burst out. “She wouldn’t take any of this well. My new status as a mer, my male mate, my son.”

“You’d be surprised,” Shermie said softly. “She’s fond of Angie, scales and all.” Ford’s eyes widened.

“She knows about you and Angie?”

“Of course she does,” Fiddleford said. “She’s the one what helped deliver Caleb and Cadenza. Or did ya not listen to me when I explained the sit’ation?”

“I might not have been completely attentive,” Ford said, “but I was trying to move the potted anemone by the door somewhere that Stan wouldn’t be able to reach. He keeps trying to eat it.”

“Angie got stuck in her human form,” Shermie said. “She was too nervous to tell me about being mer, and didn’t get a chance to lay the eggs in time. So she had to go through a human pregnancy.”

“I knew that,” Ford said. “But Mom delivered your- are you crying?”

“Mers can’t cry,” Shermie said. He rubbed his eyes. “But I am upset, yes. The love of my life had to go through something her species almost never does, because I didn’t make her feel safe enough to be her true self around me. It’s been a very rough time for us.”

“We came here to cheer ya up, not bring up bad feelin’s,” Fiddleford said softly. “I’m sorry, Shermie.”

“No, it’s- it’s fine. Ford, Angie and I told Mom, because we didn’t know what other humans we could trust, and Angie needed help delivering the babies. Mom took it pretty rough at first, but by the time Caleb and Cadenza were born, she didn’t have any issues with her grandkids, daughter-in-law, and son being mer.” Shermie took a breath. “I know for a fact that she wants to know where you are. She won’t care about anything other than your safety.”

“I can’t see her.”

“Mom thinks that you’re dead,” Shermie said shortly. “She deserves to see you!”

“No, she doesn’t. And I can’t. I can’t see her.” Ford got off the couch. “Sherman, you have no clue how difficult it is for me to be a good father to Stan. I can’t think of him as a brother, and that means I can’t think of my life as a human, either. Those perspectives go hand in hand. Seeing Mom again would bring up memories that I keep buried for my son’s sake. I won’t let myself get bogged down by those memories again.” He swam toward the front door. “Goodbye.”

“What- Ford!” Shermie said. “You can’t just leave.”

“Yes, I can. Just tell Stan that something came up, and I had to go.”

“It’s incredibly rude of you to leave without saying goodbye,” Fiddleford protested.

“Nonsense. I just did.” With that, Ford opened the door and left.

#ljkakdfsn here have some more nonsense that I've written bc I have No Self-Control #I'll get to the actual prompts tomorrow #I spent most of today coloring and watching B99 #I wanted to chill a bit after such a stressful first half of the semester #but I aim to get the prompts done this week while I'm on break so. expect more nonsense!!!#Egg Stan AU #MerGucket AU #Stanford Pines #Stanley Pines #Fiddleford McGucket #Angie McGucket #Sherman Pines #ficlet #my writing #speecher speaks

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unravelling-the-world · 3 years

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I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

#hinatalks #long post

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araspade219-blog · 6 years

Text

DRAMARAMA (Jimin Scenario)

Cast : Jimin(BTS) , Readers, Hyungwon (Monsta X), Seoyeon.

Pairing : Jimin x Reader

Genre : A lot of Angst waiting for you.

Recommend Song : Dramarama by Monsta X - Hirari Hirari by Hatsune Miku.

To tell the world that you are the most upset and unfortunate girl, is understandment. They said, all person in the world deserved to be loved. Each person deserved to be at least feel loved by the one they love the most. But these kind of talk specifically didn’t apply to you.

You always love this one boy. A neighbor boy in your hometown in Busan. You already liked him since he help you from some kids who likes to bullied you in elementary school. Since that day, both of you almost like to spend your time being together. You both are inseparable, many of other friends of yours always think that the two of you would ended up being together. But that’s not what actually what happen.

When your heart still always waiting for him, you watched him get a girl and then watched how that girl break him into million pieces. The thing is, no matter how much you said the girl didn’t deserve his attention, Jimin still love her. Then, it leaves you to gather and mend all the pieces of his broken heart with a tiny bits of hope that he will return your feelings.

Surprisingly,five years ago when you finally have the courage to confess your feeling to him, he said yes to you. But of course deep down you know that you are probably only a replacement of her. A rebound. They said once you are blinded by love, nothings matter anymore. Knowing the fact that you are only a replacement didn’t matter to you . As long as he is by yourside, you are fine.

But you have know…

Nothing will right when you know you are only a replacement…

At first, it feels like nothing new to your relationship with Jimin. But once his career start sky rocketing, he often ditching you. He start distanceing himself from you. Even when you both are together, he prever to focus on his phone. He never kiss you on your lips. He only give a small peck and a kiss on forehead. Nothing more. This least for three year. He even always forgot your anniversary. It is either he is on schedule or he purely forgetting it. He even stop remembering your birthday two years ago. But being blind and foolish girl you are, you keep forgiving and keep making excuse for him.

“He must be busy.”

“He just busy.”

“he must be really tired..”

And bunch other plently of excuse that already came out from your mouth for him. Your friends always telling you to confront him, but you are afraid of the result. What if he will tell you he want a break and end the thing for sure? You don’t want that. That’s why you prefer to suffer alone and keep hurting from loving him too much.

Until three months ago, during your small date with Jimin in a café you met with one person you are most afraid. That girl…Seoyeon.

The girl who broke Jimin into million pieces.

His ex…

She is back.

You still remember how big Jimin smile was when he saw her. And how your already broken heart start to cracking again. You still remember how happy Jimin look like when she gave him a hug.You still remember the look of underestimating she gave to you and how she smirk at you. You still remember very clearly that, that day was the first day you start doubting yourself.

After that day, Jimin become more and more distant. He only came to you when you beg him to. And it will never last long. After one hour, he will making excuse to go out. He rarely text you first. You guys often get into an argument, but it will always you the first person who apologize. Each day, you become more and more empty and lost. You keep doubting yourself. Telling yourself that nobody needs you and you are always a burden. You yearn nothing but the death of you everyday. Wishing that when you close your eyes, you are no longer breathing. But you are afraid. Afraid to actually kill yourself. Because you still thinking about Jimin.

What if that girl break him again? Who will be there for him? Will he be okay when you are gone? That’s what you keep thinking. Stupid, but yes. Even after being this broken, you still make him your first priority.But on the other side, you cant keep doing this. This is not good for you and him. This will bring him down somehow. So you take one last chance to prove yourself and him. To see if he really does care of you even the slightest bits or not.

Next month is your 5 years anniversary.An anniversary you and him never celebrate before. You will celebrate it with him this time again. If he come, then you will give a try for this relationship and tell him honestly what when wrong. But if he didn’t…you will forever disappear from his life. That’s the deal.

After telling Jimin about your anniversary plan, he agree to come. You should be happy when knowing this, but instead you feel really nervous. Jimin always agree to it before but he never actually come during the day. You shook your head, trying to get off those things from your head. You believe Jimin will come this time. He will come.

The next month, you spend with searching for the best dress you could wear and taking a few facial care for your face. You want to at least being pretty for him even if he doesn’t really pay attention to you.You become a bit more lively after being depressed for so long. Because you believe Jimin will come.

Of course…

You should have know…

Today is the day. Your anniversary of five years is today. The day you have been waiting for. You already message Jimin this morning telling him a happy anniversary incase he forgot again. For the rest of the day, you spend your day pampering yourself. Do a lil simple makeup Jimin likes, preparing the gift you have for him and styling your hair.

You are so nervous that you come one hour earlier from the time you tell Jimin. You walk inside the very familiar restaurant. A restaurant where you always planned to celebrate your anniversary, but never actually had. Almost all the staff and the waitrer/waitress recognize you. They always try to confort you after Jimin stood you up each year, but today you come with a very bright smile that make them smile instantly.

“Always looking very pretty Miss.” Said one of the waiter who is very familiar with you. He gave you a smile and you return it with a bright one.

“Thank you Yoojeong. And I always tell you to just call me (y/n) but you never listen.”you said to him and he chuckle at you. He then guide you to your specific seats for tonight. The same seat. After placing your bottle of wine, all the staff excuse themselves and leave you alone in your seat. You wait patiently for Jimin to came. You look outside the window of the restaurant. Looking at the cloudy sky above. That actually gave you a bit of uneasy feeling, but you try to be positif.

‘Only for this night..Jimin will come (y/n). He will.’

You wait..

Wait for him..

1 hour passed…you still believe him.

2 hours passed….you still believe him..

4 hours passed…you believe he will come…

6 hours passed…your smile start to drop…

6 hours 30 minute…the waiter come to you..

“Miss…im sorry…” he didn’t need to tell you what he is going to say. You all too familiar with it.You look up at him then at your phone before you dialing Jimin number, putting all your last hope in it…

“ The number you are calling is not active---“

That’s…

When everything changes..

After leaving the restaurant as fast as you could, you start walking around aimlessly in the middle of night of Seoul. Tears keep coming out from your eyes. The winter cold night didn’t bother you as you cant feel anything beside the big hope crushing down on you, made by the person you trust the most. You still cant believe that Jimin stood you up again. You believed so much in him, but he break it into another pieces after you work so hard to mend them alone.

You should have know that you are nothing to him. You are only his friend. He will always cradle to the girl who break him and never look at you. After all, you are only a replacement. And it hurts so much. It hurt so much because you still love him.

You walk into a han river. Thinking it might calm you down before you get home an pack you things to leave tomorrow. Walking with head on the floor, you didn’t notice a man infrond of you so you bump into him. Not that strong but making you wooble a bit, but the man hand stop you from falling.

“Im sorry, are you okay?” said the man to you. You look up to see a very young and handsome boy. Dress up in pin-strip suit while holding an umbrella. You stood properly while giving an apologize to him.

“im sorry. I walk without seeing infront of me.” You said to him.

“Its fine. “ said the man. Without saying other things, you walk past him, you don’t really want to deal with people asking about you right now. But after 5 steps from him, you heard him ask again.

“Are you okay?” he ask you.

You stoped but didn’t look back at him.

Are you really okay?

Or course you are—

“I’m not okay.”

I know im not the best boyfriend ever. Hell I will be the worst of the worst. I know well that I always threat (y/n) awfully. She always try her best to stay by myside in my worst state. She will always be the first person who I run to when I got bad day. And I know how much she loves me. I love her too, but when I saw Seoyeon, I cant help but getting back the feeling I had for her long ago. Although im with (y/n) now, I always know that Seoyeon is the one that only in my heart. I always want to end things with (y/n) because I know I hurt her. But im so egoist, I want to keep her all by myself. I cant picture her with other man beside me. I just cant.

But I decide that I have to let go of (y/n). she deserve someone better than me. That’s why I ignore her. I block her number from my phone and avoid her as much as I can. It feel so wrong and coward I know. But I cant see her heart breaking face when I told her I want to break up.

Last night, I had this particular uneasy feeling all over me. Like…the world is trying to tell me something. Something bad that would happen…and the rain. It stay like that since last night until now. Its like the sky is crying over something..or someone.

I was just hanging out with Seoyeon when we decide to take a lunch in a restaurant nearby while waiting for the raining to be done. When we enter the restaurant, Seoyeon didn’t notice this but I am. The staff and waitress/waiter all giving me a dirty look and unhappy feeling when they recognize my face. Im so confused because I remember correctly that I never enter this place and I never know any of them. So why they giving me those looks?

I try to ignore them and just having my lunch with Seoyeon. We just eat and talk about our past. But then Seoyeon start talking bad about (y/n) in which I don’t like it. I don’t mind people talk about how shitty I am, but I don’t want to hear them talk bad about (y/n). not with her. She done nothing bad.

When I was about to pay, I was greet by the waiter who suddenly scoof at me. I cant take it anymore. Why they become so rude to me.

“Excuse me, but I don’t know what I did to earn your dirty look. Did I ever do something to any of you in this restaurant?” I said out of annoyance. The waiter only giving me a unhappy chuckle cefore looking at me.

“You still have the guts to come here after doing those horrible things. “

“Excuse me?”

“I still can understand if it is only once or two but five years in a row? Unbelievable.” He still said with a mocking tone. Im growing impatient as im so lost here.

“What are you talking about? I never going to this restaurant before.”

The waiter only look at me, giving me those disbelieve eyes before one other waiter come to him and give him the box before he shove the box to me.

“Maybe this will refresh your memory a bit.” He said in cold tone. I look at him before looking at the box in my hands. I open the lid and see a cake inside of it. There was a sentences written on the top.

‘Happy Anniversary – Park Jimin & (y/f/n)’

“No need to pay for your food. Just take is as your girlfriend paymend because she never eat anything despite paying for it before. “ and then the waiter leave me with box of cake there.

We immedietly leave the restaurant after that. I then go to (y/n) place. Leaving behind Seoyeon without looking back. I bring the cake with me. On my way, I keep thinking about how stupid I am. I already promising (y/n) about those dinner with her. Yet I hurt her again by forgetting it. By letting my ego again. Its already the fifth I stood her up. I cant stand seeing how broken she was each time I bail her out. And I done it again. This time I’m sure she wont forgive me again, but I still want to apologize to her.

When I was arrive at her apartment, it sure was empty. Its like she haven’t been there for sometime.

‘She must be sleeping in one of her friends house. She figures I will find out and try to apologize to her again.’

I was planning to wait for her in her apartment, but I cant since I have a schedule tomorrow. So I left the cake on the table and a memo for her, telling her to immedietly call me when she saw this. Then I left her place after making sure to lock them again.

A week passing by and (y/n) still haven’t called me. I tried to call and text her before but she didn’t reply any of them and the call just went straight to her voice mail. Each day, I grow a bit uneasy and worried. Did she leave me for good this time? Is she really breaking up with me? All of those though keep interfering with my focus. The hyungs often scold me for being sloopy and not focus while practicing. Fortunately, we got two days off since today is Christmas eve. I really want to spend this night with (y/n) but I still cant get a hold of her. I tried to contact all her friends but none of them ever saw her since that night.

For some reasons, today I got a really horrible feeling in a pit of my heart. I look at the sky above me from the window in my room. The sky is so dark tonight and the snow is falling hard. What is this feeling? What is this horrible feeling I always felt since a week ago?

My though got interrupted when I heard a knock on my door.

“Jimin –ah, someones want to see you. Come to the living room immedietly.” It was Namjoon hyung voice. His voice is a bit..tense. who is it?

I get up from my bed while bringing my phone with me. When I get to the living room, I saw two police officers sitting on the sofa with Namjoon hyung, Jin hyung and Jungkook. Why would the police want to see me? Did I do something?

“Umm…good evening sir. I believe you want to see me?” I said politely to them. They said yes and told me to sit infront of them.

“Are you by any chance Park Jimin-sshi right?” one of the officer ask me and I nodded my head. Suddenly, the horrible feelings keep growing and about to burst from my stomatch each time the clock passed. One of them then take out something from the bag they hold and they taking out a small picture in a plastic bag inside. A picture of me.

“Do you by any chance recognize this picture sir?” they ask me. I take the picture and take a look at it. Of course I recognize this picture. It is the picture of me smiling while playing in the beach when I was celebrating my acceptance in bighit with (y/n) before. This picture should be with (y/n) while I got her in my wallet. Why do they have this?

“Y-yes…I know this picture. This belongs to my girlfriend…” I said to them. Without knowing why, my tears suddenly gather in my eyes. I don’t know why but I feel like what they will said next will broke me completely. And I don’t want to hear that.

“Then sir, do you mind coming to the Hospital. We need you to do a check up on something.” They said with a slight pity and sympathy in their tone. I don’t want them.

“im sorry for asking sir, but could you tell us what exactly happen? And what it have to do with my members?” Namjoon asking the police since I cant let out any word from my lips. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me anything!

“This morning, someone just discovering a dead body of women buried underneat the snow in the park near here. We could find any identity card on her, but the woman holding those picture tightly in her hands…”

Jimin walk out from the rogue into the empty hall of the hospital limply. Eyes bloodshot but the light already disappear from there.

She was found dead undearneat the snow all this time. That’s why nobody ever saw her.But this morning, some kids who playing in the park decide to dig in the place she was put and discover a dead woman inside it.

He keep walking without care of people around him seeing him and giving him either weird look or pity look as tears keep falling from his eyes.

She was dead because of gun shot and bloodlost. There also a hitting mark on her side of skull and three stabbing wound on her abdomen.

Image of your lifeless face on the cold table keep playing in his mind. It was really you. It is you they found dead, alone in that horrible place. He wish it was not you, he wish it was other girl, but no. it is you who is killed.

Apperently, she was killed because she witnessing a murder of the recent serial killer. She was not suppose to be killed, but she was on the wrong place and wrong time. She war near the murder place when she saw it all. Unfortunatelt, the killer saw her and decide to kill her right away. The killer already arrested though.

Jimin stop in the middle of a really empty and dark hall of the hospital. He no longer have the strength to walk. He slam his fist on the wall on his right while his knee slowly give up on him and he fall to the ground.

We just found her body now. But we can assume that she was killed a week ago.

A week ago. During his anniversary night. You was killed during the night both of you should be happy. But no. instead of receiving all the happiness you deserved, you got murdered. On the night he decide to be a jerk. Indeed he wish you would just go from his life. But not like this. You still have a long way ahead. You still have your dream. Yet it was all shattered now.

If only…if only he was there with her…if only he came… if only he was with her, he could prevent all of this from happening. You could be alive right now…breathing and happy.

“Why?! Why am I so stupid?! I can prevent all of this but No!” he cried his eyes out on the ground. Gripping and pulling his hair until his scalp screaming for him to stop before his gonna rip his hair. Endless guilty feeling washing over him. She always saving him, but he cant save her. She ended up losing her life because of his ego.

“God..if you can hear me…I want to start it over…I promise! I promise I will fix it all! I promise I will cherish her like nobody in this world matter to me anymore! I promise….” He put his face on the palm of his hands and crying alone. The though of you no longer in this world and further more it was mostly because of his faulth just eating him alive.

“Are you willing to risking everything if I give you the chance to turn back time?”

Jimin jump in his place when he heard a new voice coming from above him. He release him palm from his face and look up. To see a young man not older than him, standing tall with his pin-strip suit and brown hair looking down to him with no emotion in his face. He is hoding an open up transparent umbrella in his left hand. Who is he? Who the hell in his mind bringing an umbrella inside a hall.

“You didn’t answer me.” He ask once again. Snapping jimin out from his though. He scramble on his spot, trying to stand up.

“Who..who are you..?”

“My name is Hyungwon. You need to answer me. Do you willing to risking everything once you given the chance to turn back the time? To save the girl?” the man, Hyungwon ask Jimin oce again.

“I will. I will take the risk if I got the chance…which is impossible. But I will sacrifice everything to save her. To avoid it.” Jimin said with determine in his voice.

“Then I wil give you the chance.”

“Ha? You mean you can turn back the time? Are you nuts? That kind of thing doesn’t exist in this world.” Jimin though that the man infront of him is one of the mental patience in this hospital and about to leave when he heard him again.

“It is your only chance to see her alive again.”

Jimin stop in his track and see Hyungwon again. This time the man holding a weird brown old fashioned watch in hid hand. That got into jimin attention.

“I know its hard to believe but you need to if you want to save this era timeline.”

“Save…the timeline?”

“I am the watcher and the member of Chaldea. An organization in the far future that job is to fixing the error that happen in each timeline.And this era is just one of the many history I have to fix for the world to become balance. “

“My job is to find out the one person that making the timeline error and try to fix them. When I arrive in this era, I though that girl, (y/n) is the key of the error of this world. That’s why I keep following her around to see where it went wrong. But I was wrong. She was the error that happen because of the mistake of the key.”

“wait…I don’t really understand. She was the error? What do you mean of it?” Jimin finally ask after being too confused with his explanation.

“She isn’t suppose to die that day.”

With this, Jimin eyes went wide. You are not suppose to die that night. He not suppose to find you die today.

“There are mistake in this era that making this happen. She was not suppose to die. She still have a long way in her life. Yet because of the mistake, she ended up die. And this may cause unnecessary problem in the future. Including your death.” Hyungwon now staring right into Jimin eyes. Making the man gulping nervously.

“My…death..?”

“You are planning to kill yourself. And the news of your death will interfering with the other decision in life too. This may cause a chaos in this era. That’s why Park Jimin. You are the key mistake in this problem and you need to fix them.” Hyungwon said sternly. They grow silent for a moment.

Jimin was thinking, if he could fix it that means he could see you again right? He could once again see you and give you what you deserved. If it is, then he will take the chance.

“Tell me what I need to do.” He said. The determine and firm resolve could be seen in his eyes, and that making Hyungwon smiling gently.

“All you need to do is fix everything. Fix what your mistake. You know very correctly what to do to prevent it. Make sure to use it wisely. I only can give you one chance to fix it. The rest is up to you.” Hyungwon then start doing something with his watch before clicking the start button on the side of the watch before the world around Jimin spinning and he felt sick and drowsy. Before darkness could embrace him, he hear Hyungwon for the last time.

“Learn from your mistake and take care of the person who is important to you before it is too late, Park Jimin.”

The next second Jimin snap up when he was sitting in a dinning table, with chopstick ready to pick a meat infront of him. All of him bandmates and Seoyeon is sitting infront of him. He blinked and trying to remember what actually happen.

“Jimin? Whats wrong? You are spacing out haha.” Seoyeon voice snapping him once again. He try to smile and resuma what he think he is doing before Hyungwon voice echo in his head.

“You only have one chance to fix everything…”

That’s when he remember what time it is. Today is your anniversary night. The day he will disappointing you again. The day you are murdered.

He stood up immedietly from his seat, grabing his jacket and putting his shoes before he is dashing out from the dinner. Ignoring the yelling of his name from his member and Seoyeon. Right now everything is not important for him. All he think is you and you only. He run as fast as he can to the restaourant you are in. he know very well where it is and doesn’t need to see the map to know where is place. He ignoring the look of surprise people even his fans throwing him when knowing him running in the middle of the street like a mad man.

When he finally arrive at the restaurant, he could see the surprise look the staff giving him, but doesn’t care. He just go inside without waiting for the staff to ask him who he is searching. As his eyes scanning the entire restaurant searching for you, he finally landed on the girl figure sitting at the corner of the restaurant, looking at the sky from the window.

(y/n)…

When jimin eyes land on her, he cant help the tears that once again fall from his eyes. You are here. Alive. You are alive.

He slowly made his way toward you. You still don’t know his presence since you just busy looking at the sky who is clear and snow beautifully start falling. You only realize when you heard his hoarse voice calling your name.

“(Y/N)..”

You look away from the sky toward the figure tanding infront of you. Clothes a bit mesy with several snow resting on his body. Eyes teary and tears start falling from it. You utterly shock to see his state, thus you stand up immedietly and about to ask him what happen when he suddenly hug you tightly. You got surprise but reply his hug and rubbing his back when you heard him crying in your shoulder.

“Jimin? What happen? Why are you crying dear?” you said trying to comfort him but all he did was tighten his hug like you will disappear if he release you. You utterly confused as of why Jimin suddenly become like this.

“ You are here…you are here…” you could slightly hear him muttering several inaudible words but you don’t really understand what he mean.

“yes im here dear. I wont leave you.i promise.” You said to him. He reluctantly release you and look at your eyes. You erase the tears that are still in the corner of his eyes and smile softly. At lease he really is here. You believe he will come. And here he is.

“Whats wrong hun? Why are you crying like that? Do you really happy for our anniversary that you crying like this?” you try to joke and it success. He chuckle a but before kiss your fore head.

“Yes…I really really want to meet you. Im afraid I could not see you again. That’s why I cry. I cry because im happy (y/n). and… I want to apologize for everything I do to you..” he is about to continue when your fingle blocked his lips from talking.

“Lets eat the dinner first. After that you and I will have a looooong talk. Understand?” you said jokingly and he smile at you. Taking your face in his hand and start kissing you in your lips. Its different from the usual. Its like Jimin really putting all his life on this kiss. As if he just reunite with someone who he lost for the entire of his life. After release the kiss, you blushed and look away from Jimin who only smile at you. The both of them then start preparing to take dinner before Jimin eyes spotting a figure standing on the other side of the road holding an umbrealla with smile at his lips.

Hyungwon.

Jimin throw him a smile and muttering a silent “thank you” to him while Hyungwon only smile gently and turn back toward the dark road before he disappear into the night.

#bts scenarios #kpop angst #bts angst #jimin angst #park jimin #angst scenario

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beebosbitchh · 7 years

Note

1-65 ;)

holy heck ! thank you sophiw i lov u 🍒

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

i dont understand this question?? like sometimes i doubt my own existence and other times i doubt that i exist to certain ppl? ya?

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

2,, normal amount? like good for sleep but pitch black is scaryy but not to the point i need the escape ?? if that makes sense??

3. The person you would never want to meet?

guy fieri, i dont think i need to know if hes actually real ? like is he real and from this dimension or from flavortown (which he has a very scarily detailed description of)?? thats not something i need to know

4. What is your favorite word?

hmm, probably ‘fam’ obviously

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

a willow tree !!!!!!!!!! i just talked to my mom about this :-0

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

ngl but i dont look in the mirror anymore unless its lip syncing along to a song sung by a guy/someone w a deeper voice bc i feel like it suits me better! gotta love coping w dysphoria!

7. What shirt are you wearing?

baseball tee, gay

8. What do you label yourself as?

nb, lesbian, fool

9. Bright room or dark room?

dark room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

slepe

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

10-11 when i was in 5th grade. i still only had two friends but i was way more extroverted and everything was so carefree and i was very invested in adventure time and art. i think that was the most of a childhood i got? i honestly did not do much as a kid and i wish i had..

12. Who told you they loved you last?

sophiw ! tumblr user almightyportraits ! the loml !

13. Your worst enemy?

14. What is your current desktop picture?

one from apple called ‘abstract shapes’ its very orange but also blue which is my fave color pairing atm so its perfect

15. Do you like someone?

tumblr user vahilla

16. The last song you listened to?

megan played ‘marceline’ by willow in her car ! a song i suggested to her a few months ago and it makes me very happy that she likes it especially bc we bonded over adventure time in 6th grade :-)

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

mmyy seelfff ??

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

mmmyseyyffelllff ??

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

eh whats the point

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

n o ne ?

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

what is the opposite of nb,, i feel like if i was opposite of how i present id be a girl, which is a verryyy weird thought for me, pass

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

no :-/

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

uh first of all blood, like, ill pass out,, second of all,, literally everything worries me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

jimmy johns #16, turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, NO MAYO

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

im a very practical person so the least boring answer i can come up w is more art supplies

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

denmark

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

fukcing , acetoNe

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i think a FIRST rule would have to be pretty IMPORTANT so probably smt like how ~WE THE PEOPLE~ are all EQUAL would be a pretty good start and pretty UNDENIABLE and STRAIGHT FORWARD especially if it was the FIRST thing in this,, hmm lets call it the CONSTITUTION, in the completely hypothetical society

29. What is your favorite expletive?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuk cufck ufc kfuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

sunglasses??!!! that shit gotta be bright huh>?? gotta protect my retinas

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say my first relationship made me a better person but that shit was rreeeaaallyyyy fucking awful and 4 months (+recovery months) that i will never get back and i think ? maybe ?? i wouldve been ok without it ? idk just a thought

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

spain ?!?!? why not + i sorta know the language? thatd b cool

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

zoey my dog :-( i miss her a lot, this month it will have been two years oh my god i miss her so much

34. What was your last dream about?

the last one i remember was a nightmare about someone tryna murder me i was very scared

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

i think so , when i was two i got really really sick and couldve died ?

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

ahh yes ! we gave hhimm,, fruit snack nipples, please forgive me fathr

38. What is the color of your socks?

grey w blue n orange stripes ( again i lov blue n orange together, my shirt is teal and i have an orange hat on wow)

39. What type of music do you like?

all! i had to train this new guy at work and im sooo awkward but once why started talking about music it was easy for me to talk bc it was smt we both really like !!! i felt like i could actually communicate w feeling a disconnect it was nice ! we talked mostly about rap which was cool and unexpected but i could do it ? i really love music and i love being able to know enough to talk about it ,, isk

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises, ive been pushing myself to wake up unreasonably early to have more time to myself and i get to watch the sunrise most days which is nice

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

whom?

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

college? god i dont even know… smt w art.. by an illustrator or art teacher or freelance artist or graphic designer ,, i really dont know

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

one thing ?!!?!? i wish i was neurotypical

46. Are you reliable?

yes? i try hard to be? i hope so ?

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

u still a lil bitch ?

48. Do you hold grudges?

nope i try not to, ive had too many toxic petty people in my life that i dont need to be one myself.. now this is grudges w/o reason, but if ive given people several ‘second chances’ and theyre still (thumbs down) then ill avoid them but w/i reason?

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

DOG HORSES BIG DOGs

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

mm probably smt w my lab partner from last year. she always sends me weird quotes from a fanfiction shes reading and its weird but i really appreciate that she still talks to me or talks to me at all tbh

51. Are you a good liar?

nooo ?? i try not to lie? mb not tell the full truth but idk , i feel like id feel too guilty

52. How long could you go without talking?

uhh literally days like i already fucking do.. i m taking this as verbally but i dont get texts so like, it would not be hard

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

before i went to short hair i used to alllwaayyys wear a tight ponytail every single day bc i wasnt girly enough to do anything w it and it was really really gross like thank god i cut it all off

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

heck yeah

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

*clears throat*

hewwo?

56. What do you like on your toast?

butter and jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

58. What would be you dream car?

razor scooter

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

sometimes im just too physically or emotionally exhausted to stand so ill just,, lay down? ive fallen asleep in the shower before ha

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yup

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

whenever it comes up but i dont ,, seek it out

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons tf

64. What do you think about babies?

evil, ugly, dont see the appeal. open ur eyes ppl !!!! bbs are n Ot cute !!

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

#long post /#mention of dysphoria /#ask #thenk yoy sophiw #this took 4ever but worth it bc it got me to calm down?? coolc ool cool

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