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vivalabunbun · 1 year

Text

On the complexities of relationships and words

Summary: For two people that love to read, words seem like a complex.

Word Count: 13k (yeah... this is slow burn, might want to get a drink and snack)

Tags: Alhaitham x Fem!Reader, Slow Burn, Smut(r18+), NSFW, MDNI, Fluff, Angst kind heavy?, Modern AU, Omegaverse AU, A/B/O relationships, slow fic, marriage, arranged pairing, dubcon, themes about not liking yourself, TW: gender dysphoria (you don’t like your secondary gender), TW: Very vague and brief mentions to possible past domestic trauma, Jealous!alhaitham, slight yandere!alhaitham, mutual pining, miscommunication, breeding, biting, ruts, Alpha!alhaitham, Beta!reader. You agreed to the pairing due to tax benefits. A lot of references to literature.

Authors note: This is my first attempt at slow burn and yeah... I got carried away. I want to explore how slow alhaitham would open up and how love can come from the mind instead of the heart. Enjoy.

Side Note: here is a little dabble

Love, an emotion that sets the heart on fire. An all-consuming emotion that feels as if one was falling off a cliff while also being embraced tight by the treads of fate. The emotion that’s only separated by a thin line from madness. Or at least, that is how it’s been described to you through books and movies.

With love being the inspiration for so many poets, artists, and heroes throughout all of history, it comes as no surprise that you found yourself curious about it. It started out innocently, you would listen to the latest romantic ballads from the wandering travelers along the streets of Sumeru. In the nation of wisdom, books were plentiful yet you found your teenage self buying certain novels from Inazuma. Then came the films from Fontaine which you’d spend a week’s worth of pocket money on.

What first began from your childish curiosity became a hidden infatuation. You wanted to feel those emotions described in those songs, books, and movies. So you began your journey to seek it out. Your first relationship filled you with a certain rush, an excitement to finally experience a scene from those novels you loved… but you were only left with disappointment.

Kisses felt bland, holding hands felt awkward after too long, and eye contact uncomfortable. There were no lingering thoughts that kept you up at night, no pink haze of pinning, nor a spark that set your chest ablaze. The breakup didn’t come as a surprise, and even so, it didn’t leave you with those gut-wrenching heartbroken sobs into the pillow as you’ve seen in the movies. Just disappointment.

Perhaps it's because you were basing your expectations on relationships you can never experience. Those songs, those books, those movies? They were all about the bond felt between Alphas and Omegas.

The maddening ruts and needy heat that left your cheeks flushed when you read about them. The touching gestures of scenting, the descriptions of the additive aroma of their beloved, their fated mate. The marking that proclaimed to the world their undying love. You’ll never experience that… since you’ve presented as a Beta.

The worker ants of society, the largest class sandwiched between Alphas and Omegas, the extras in their movies. The category of society that can neither produce nor reciprocate pheromones, the population that lived in mediocrity in the eyes of romantics.

Of course, love was possible for Betas, after all in a population that makes up the majority, there will always be the few that find ‘true love’. But that’s an advanced scholarly topic up for debate, with the societal consensus being that it’s the lowest tier of love. All pairings with Betas belonged in this tier.

Alpha-Alpha, Omega-Omega, and at the very top of the tier list of ‘true love’ was the Alpha-Omega pairing. After all, love scientifically is created by chemical bonds in the brain with oxytocin, the love hormone. Pheromones kicked the production of oxytocin into overdrive, creating an addiction that makes a person long for their lovers every hour of the day. The chemicals that create the fire of romance you once wished upon shooting stars for.

Thankfully with time, as you matured into an adult you resigned yourself to your fate. You found solstice in your one advantage as a Beta over any Alpha or Omega: True independence. Free from the chains that are primal desires brought on by pheromones, your head was clear, decisions not dependent on the fever that was love.

You had given up on searching for love, hey, if you set the bar on the ground then there was less risk of being let down. So that’s why you agreed to your parents’ suggestion of an arranged pairing. To be matched to a life partner by a matchmaker.

“Eh? Isn’t that practice kinda outdated?” Dehya questioned.

“Don’t the city folk use the akasha system, using genetics for compatibility or something?” Your Alpha friend carefully tucked away her compact mirror.

“Actually, I think that’s really romantic! The traditional way matches you by personality and lifestyle compatibility.” Nilou grasped your hands, wishing you luck.

“I agree, old fashioned doesn’t mean it's ineffective. It’s still very much practiced in Aaru Village.” Candace sent a slight side-eye to your other Alpha friend across the table.

Perhaps your Alpha and Omega friends were trying to cheer you on, but frankly, they didn’t need to. The next day when you met with the older woman, you went through the process with a sense of boredom. When answering the matchmaker's question, you stated you just wanted a life partner that was honest, loyal, and respected your individuality.

Next, the matchmaker asked about your interests, you recalled all the literature you used to consume during your obsession with love, and embarrassed by your fruitless past endeavors you answered books.

“What kind of life do you seek, my dear?” Her wrinkly hands intertwined as she leaned on the table.

“A peaceful, quiet life.”

And that was it. She wrote down your responses with a bejeweled quill pen, handwriting beautiful and neat as if she were penning down a poem for you. You were free to go home. Walking down the streets of Sumeru, the dusk birds singing to their lovers, you didn’t even wonder about the Beta she was going to pair you with. You had a full day of work tomorrow, what you really wanted was a full night's rest.

So a month later, you couldn’t hide the bewilderment on your face as you stood in front of a tall Alpha, the partner the matchmaker had deemed a good fit. From his piercing teal orange eyes to his sliver hair to his towering physique, everything about him was the picture-perfect definition of an Alpha.

‘Alhaitham’ was his name, and you must admit it fit him quite well. His face remained unchanged even after his mesmerizing eyes passed over your form quickly. You couldn’t read the lack of expression on his face, was it disinterest? Indifference? Boredom?

A part of you wanted to take your parents to the side and whisper in their ears that the matchmaker was a quack. Who in their right mind matches an Alpha with a Beta? Before you could do so, the matchmaker lead your parents out of the room, giving the two of you some privacy to get acclimated. A heavy silence hung in the air as your bodies stood a respectable distance apart, deciding to break the silence you first stated the obvious.

“I’m not an Omega.”

“I’m aware.” His deep voice sent a small shiver down your spine. Even his voice was beautiful.

“I don’t have any pheromone, meaning I can’t bond.” You glanced up at him.

“I never listed it as a requirement.”

His answers only seemed to confuse you further, perhaps he didn’t think this through all the way. Sure, the matchmaker revealed that both of you wanted peaceful lives, liked books, and believed firmly in one’s individuality. But there was a massive sumpter beast in the room as the saying goes.

“Aren’t you worried about… that time of the year…”

For the first time, his eyes met yours, you quickly shifted your eyes away.

“Are you referring to ruts? Medicine has advanced quite a bit, there are now inhibitors that can regulate pheromones and ruts. Not that you would know, of course.” He huffed out.

You couldn’t stop your eyebrow from twitching in annoyance. Ah, he’s also got that Alpha ego. You were still confused, from the look on your face he quickly deduced it as well.

“I dislike disruptions to my life. Primal desires are just disruptions. To put it bluntly, you as a Beta don’t release pheromones nor go into bouts of unsuppressed lust. Significantly reducing the risk of interrupting my time. You value individuality and are very independent, you’re very unlikely to bother me with trivial matters. All these factors add up to a peaceful, quiet life. Simple isn’t it?”

When he laid out all the reasons so clearly on the table, it’s hard to not note the truth, Alhaitham is a weird Alpha. Perhaps that’s why his grandmother enlisted the help of a matchmaker in her will.

After that day, you took home a folder full of documentation on him. Under the golden light of your desk lamp, you sorted through the information in front of you. He had no criminal record, he owns his own house close to the city, and he held a stable job with a very attractive salary.

You ponder the decision for about a week, weighing the pros and cons. Marriages in Sumeru are often encouraged with sizable tax deductions, more money in your own pocket. Employees with spouses have an easier time requesting paid time off, more money in your pocket and less work. He lacked any familial attachments, meaning no in-laws to deal with. One extra point for being very easy on the eyes too.

You ultimately signed your name on the marriage documents at the city hall, right next to his emulate penmanship. Right there under the fluorescent lights of the government office, the two of you recited your vows. The only other people in the room were your parents and the clerk filing the paperwork.

Within the next few months, you’ve carried the boxes filled with your belongings from your cramped apartment into his spacious house. Your old light novels and romantic collection of poems are now placed on a bookshelf adjacent to his. Bright and artistic covers contrasting against bland academic journals. Of course, there was no honeymoon, no break from your regular work schedules. There was no reason to.

In the first year of your marriage, you viewed him with suspicious eyes. You valued loyalty in a life partner and even though he stated he dislike pheromones and primal urges, he was still an Alpha with such natural responses. Yet, you observed that he came home every day at 5:30 pm on the dot, not a single hair out of place nor a single crease on the collar of his button-downs.

You found him to be a decent housemate, calm, quiet, and respectful of your space. Chores were divided equally between the two of you, making the shared living space organized and dust free. Of course, he was only human thus he also had some flaws.

Sometimes your foot would knock against a stack of books he had left on the floor near the numerous bookshelves throughout the house. Or how you noticed your shampoo and conditioner bottles emptying at an alarming rate, does he not know how expensive haircare is?

Alhaitham deemed you a good fit for a life partner. You weren’t disruptive nor dependent on him in any aspect. You spent your own money responsibly, a diligent person who followed a set work routine without needing any reminders.

You would alternate responsibilities for dinner, but he found your food more flavorful. You threw together ingredients with no regard for measurements, only going off what felt right, compared to his style of calculating the precise amount a ‘pinch’ was.

Of course, it’s expected that you’ve got some quirks that made him tsk internally. It was small insignificant things. Like how sometimes he would find strands of your hair left in the shower drain. Or how you often tuck his books back into the nearest shelf, not caring about if the genres matched or not.

“I commend your artistry. However, a mural made from your hair on the shower wall is unnecessary.”

“You’ve got shorter hair than me, how are you using double the product?”

“It’s all due to your perception, I’m not using any more product than you.”

“Oh?~ Then I guess the hair on the wall is all just your perception too.”

When living with another person there will always be bumps that needed to be smoothed out. But overall, life was peaceful and quiet just how the two of you liked it.

Alhaitham was Alhaitham, and you were you. Two independent individuals only connected by paper and law. Perhaps the only couple-like aspect of your relationship was sharing the same bed. Of course, this was done only out of necessity.

The only other room in the house with a bed was the guest room, even so, there was still an imbalance. The mattress was much smaller and firm when compared to the grand bed in the master bedroom.

He didn’t snore and neither did you, you didn’t toss and turn in your sleep and neither did he. With two separate blankets, he deemed that sharing a bed with you wouldn’t cause any disturbance to his sleep. You two had more than enough money to afford another bed, but just the thought of rearranging the furniture to accommodate it was too bothersome for the both of you. There was more than enough room on the bed for two bodies to sleep without ever touching.

No loud passionate fights nor lingering glances and maddening touches. Just the calm lull of normalcy. But you were satisfied.

By your second year with him, you’ve gotten acquainted with the nuances in his manner of speech. In particular, his sarcastic quips that you’d return with vivacity.

“Mmm, I appreciate the attempt. But I’d rather my books be sorted by subject rather than by instinct.”

“There’s faster ways to collect my life insurance than by getting me to trip over a book, Haitham.”

During this year, the two of you also began to use more familiar terms to address each other. Instead of your name, he’d simply call you wife, and you shortened his name. Husband and ‘Haitham’ had the same amount of letters anyways.

When the date of your courthouse wedding came around, nothing happened.

No flowers, no shiny gifts of jewels, not even a sweet dessert. After all, he found it silly to spend so much effort on a singular day instead of placing that enthusiasm into every regular day of life.

Birthdays shared the same sentiment, you’d be invited out by your group of friends to a celebration planned by Nilou, while Alhaitham would stay at home with his books.

“Happy birthday.” You placed a cup of freshly brewed coffee down in front of him.

“Thank you.” Besides your statement, there was nothing out of the ordinary.

“Hopefully I’m one year closer to collecting your pension.”

Alhaitham has to admit he does enjoy your sardonic humor, but you’d never be able to tell just by looking at him. He took a sip of his coffee, by year two you finally learned how not to scald the coffee grounds when doing a pour-over.

Life continued on, and the two of you were still like parallel lines traveling in the same direction side by side and separately.

It’s now the third year of your marriage. You were currently busy in the kitchen, Alhaitham had just informed you earlier there’d be guests coming over tonight. Fortunately, it’s a Friday which meant you had a half day at work. Quickly purchasing ingredients from street vendors on your way back.

He never had any guests over before, so you assumed that these guests must be important people from work.

You even made sure not to use spices that were too fragrant, just in case any of the guests were extremely sensitive to smells, as Alhaitham had informed you they were all Alphas. Tachin was a rather simple but delicious dish to make. You also picked fresh ingredients that would make a very quick and satisfying salad.

Your husband didn’t particularly like soup, but he doesn’t have the right to be picky when you’re the one rushing to cook enough food for five people, so minty bean soup will be on the table. He had a collection of wines in a separate room, you’ll leave the wine selection up to him.

Just as you finished setting the plates and dishes on the table the chime of the doorbell went off. Wiping off your hands and taking off your apron, doing a quick once-over in the hallway mirror before answering the door.

“O-oh… You’re a… Beta…”

The blond Alpha in front of you had a look of bewilderment across his handsome features. Rudy eyes peering down at you in astonishment as you maintained a polite face.

“Oof-”

An elbow was jabbed into the blond’s side as a shorter dark-haired man signaled for him to shut up.

“Thank you for having us over for dinner.” His friendly face gave you a smile.

“Welcome.” You invited all the men in.

The bewildered blond at the door’s name was Kaveh, the dark-haired man was Tighnari, and the white-haired man with the intense gaze was Cyno.

You familiarized yourself with their names, and from time to time you felt their eyes passing glances over at you as they made small talk. Alhaitham was currently picking out a few bottles of wine.

“So, you’re actually his wife… Ah! Of course, it’s no fault of yours. I’m just shocked he’s actually married, I thought he was bluffing when he said he had a wife. There were no signs… Ugh! Great, I owe drinks now.” Kaveh sighed, face in his hands.

“Alhaitham doesn’t want others knowing too much about him. But the proof is right in front of our eyes.” Cyno leaned his elbows on the table.

Ah, it makes sense that people at his work wouldn’t know about you. There weren’t even rings to distinguish the relationship. Usually, relationships nowadays were sensed through the presence of pheromones on the bodies of lovers. However, you were a Beta with no pheromones to cling onto his person. There’s not the slightest chance he ever talked about you. The two of you were also never seen in public together, so in the eyes of many Alhaitham is still a bachelor. There was a slight churn in your stomach, was the soup upsetting it?

“Gossiping about me while sitting in my house and right in front of my wife?”

Alhaitham’s deep voice mysteriously made the knot in your stomach go away, or maybe it was the way he referred to you, ‘my wife’. He placed the bottles of wine and glasses on the table.

“It’s nothing major. We’re just surprised someone is willing enough to stand your arrogance.” Kaveh crossed his arms.

“Unwed people should not have any comments on other’s relationships.”

“Hey! Why you-”

“Huh…” You pondered out loud.

The attention of the men in the room was all on you now.

“Oh, pardon my interruption. I guess I’m just in awe that my husband has friends.”

In an instant laughter ripped through the air.

“Bwahahaha! Alhaitham, I like your wife already! Ahahaha!” Kaveh was laughing so hard tears were forming in his eyes.

Tighnari had one hand gripping the table and the other covering his mouth as he tried desperately to suppress his snickers, ultimately unsuccessfully.

“Well, I’m not sure if friends is the ‘correct’ term.” Cyno’s voice was steady, but you could see the small shakes of his shoulders.

“I’m beginning to wonder if inviting guests to the house was the right decision.”

Still, the dinner continued and the drinks started to pour. After your statement from earlier, the atmosphere at the table became more lighthearted aided by the help of alcohol.

“So, what’s the occasion?” You asked as you took a sip out of your glass.

“Huh? Alhaitham! How did you not tell your wife about your promotion?” Kaveh nearly spat out his wine.

“There’s no reason to dampen her mood with bad tidings.”

��Bad?!-” You wondered if the blond’s voice could shatter the glass in your hands.

“Keeping your cards close to your chest, even from your wife.” Cyno side-eyed your husband.

“Not at all. Not that the unwed head lawyer would need to know.”

“Tsk.” The tan Alpha crossed his arms.

“Now, now just because he didn’t tell his wife doesn’t mean Alhaitham’s a bad husband.” Tighnari tried to dispel the tension while also landing a subtle jab.

“Mmm, congratulations, Haitham.” You swirled your wine.

“Thank you.” Your husband replied.

The three Alphas looked at each other, eyes sending silent messages. They must find your marriage to the ashen-hair Alpha strange. Alpha-Beta pairings were already against convention, but it seems like the two of you matched each other's pace. Two weird people found each other.

After dinner was finished and you bid goodbye to the guests at the front door.

“Be grateful you stone-faced brat… Your wife’s got... too good to be stuck with your stale…”

The two shorter men carrying the blabbering blond off your front steps.

“He’s quite the lightweight.” You briefly mentioned while over the sink.

“I’m just grateful there’s still wine left. Go rest, I’ll get the dishes.” His larger frame takes up the space at the sink, silently encouraging you to move away.

So you left clean-up duty to him, a fair trade for making you cook a feast so out of the blue. As you stood under the warm water pouring over your body in the shower, your mind began to replay the conversations over dinner. They made you realize just how little you actually knew about your own husband despite living under the same roof for three going on four years now.

Once he stepped foot outside of your shared space he was practically a stranger. What was his job like? Who were his friends? What were his favorite places? Hell, even in your house, he was still a stranger. What books is he reading now? When does he find time to work out? What does he do when you leave the house? This realization made you shiver, as you turned the knob to increase the temperature of the water.

It wouldn’t hurt to try and get to know him a little better.

One Sunday morning, you walked into the living room greeted by the sight of him reading one of your old light novels. Seeing his large hand hold the bright book, decorated with a pair of lovers embracing, while his eyes studied the text like his academic papers was almost comical… If only you didn’t wish to sink through the floor in humiliation. He must’ve lost interest in his own books, or maybe he’d gone through his whole collection.

Either way, to prevent such an occurrence from happening again, you began to pick up some books for your husband on your way home.

‘Metaphysics’, ‘Epistemology’, ‘Quantum Mechanics’: those seemed like topics that’d interest him, you reasoned as you stood in line to purchase them. Your eyes caught sight of a certain book, ‘le rouge et le noir’, on a whim you decided to add it to the stack of heavy books. Not for your husband, but rather for yourself.

That night you handed the books over to him as he was about to go to his favorite reading spot on the couch.

“What’s this for?” He stared at the stack of thick books in your hands.

“Just passed by a bookstore and figured you might need something new to read.” You gestured for him to take them.

“You didn’t have to go out of your way to gift this to me. Thank you, I shall read them.” His low voice indifferent as always, finally taking the weight out of your hands.

You proceeded to move over to the smaller sofa in the living room and plopped down. Pulling out the book you had purchased earlier, you glanced up at him eyes questioning why he was staring. Alhaitham cracked open one of the academic journals you gifted him and averted his teal gaze.

This was a break from your normal routine, but you felt like it’d be a nice change to get back into reading. It also gives you the opportunity to learn more about Alhaitham by spending more time in his presence. But more importantly, it would allow you to keep an eye on your husband to ensure he doesn’t go snooping through your bookshelf again. Maybe you should just donate them, but no library in Sumeru would ever accept them.

Soon that break from routine became the norm. Every night after the kitchen table was cleared, dishes cleaned, and bodies freshly towel dried you and Alhaitham will sit adjacent to each other enjoying quiet reading time. The soft light from the tall floor lamps and soft flicks of turning pages adding to the ambiance of the room.

From time to time, you can hear the sound of him writing some sentences down on a notepad. So he likes to take notes on the books he reads. You learned something new.

Another new fact you gained from your observations of your husband was that he reads fast, really fast. He had already finished all three books before you were even halfway done with yours. You had to act fast lest his teal eyes begin to wander towards your bookshelf again. So, you found yourself back at the bookstore once more. Picking up any thick academic journals on topics ranging from ancient ruins to the newest peer-reviewed breakthroughs.

Maybe you should also pick up some notepads and sticky notes, you saw how thin the pad had gotten last night. It just so happened that the romance section was right by the shelves of stationeries. The book from Fontaine you had bought on a whim was in your opinion more psychological than romantic. However, the romantic elements present seems to have reignited your interest in the romance genre.

Oh well, you were grown enough now to not be so easily swooned by poetic descriptions of love. You picked the first book whose description piqued your interest and added it to the basket.

One of the first lessons taught to the children of Sumeru was to be cautious when putting out campfires. If not killed correctly, the unseen smoke can make fallen leaves catch fire. A small flame grows into a hellish blaze that consumes whole acres of forest.

“Thank you very much. Again, this isn’t necessary.” Alhaitham still took the books out of your hands.

The small notepad on top of the stack caught his attention, his teal eyes looked into yours with a questioning glance.

“Your notepad’s running out, and there was a sale.”

“I see.”

From time to time during your quiet reading session, you would glance up, a part of you hoping to see Alhaitham use the new stationery you’ve just bought him. A frown tugged at your lips when you saw he had set it to the side in favor of his old, thinning notepad. Maybe the color isn’t to his liking.

You continue to buy stationeries for him. Any fancy notepads or post-its that caught your eye at a store, every time you give them to him, he would thank you. Then proceed to never use them. Perhaps, the ones you got were too fancy? He seemed to like simple and practical items. Next time you got plainer ones, just simple squares of plain paper, he still left them untouched.

Maybe, you needed to find higher-quality ones. But if he didn’t like them then why does he keep accepting them? Should you try your luck with pens instead, he does go through quite a few. Ah, the sentiment from the very first time you met him still rang true to this day. Alhaitham is a weird Alpha.

He was an enigma to you.

You were an enigma to him.

Alhaitham wasn’t sure when it started, but his mind grew curious about you. Perhaps it’s because he read through his collection of books, or maybe because things at work have been dull lately. Thus, he deduced it was only logical that you started to pique this interest in a bored mind. You lived in the same house and slept in the same bed. With you constantly being in close proximity, of course, he will want to learn more about you after more than three years together.

One of the best ways to start studying you would be to start with your bookshelf. Alhaitham vaguely remembers you saying that you were interested in books, yet in all these years in the same space he hasn’t ever seen you touch your own shelf. What a pity, he could’ve used the extra space for his own books. Running a finger along the row of books, stopping on a random one he made his decision.

Your taste in literature is, how should he put it, very different from his own preferences. The descriptions of the actions taken by the Alpha main character and his Omega lover were idiotic, to say the least. The lengthy declarations of the love and affection they held for each other, and the sentences riddled with exaggerations and rhetoric. The romance between the characters was the priority of the novel, thus the plot suffered greatly from it.

In his opinion, the book was a mess. Yet, he didn’t once feel as if he had wasted his time. Alhaitham discovered a new side to you, is this the type of novel that interests you even as a Beta? The soft taps of your feet suddenly paused as it rounded the corner into the living room. Alhaitham looked up to see a tense look on your face as you stared at the novel currently in his hands.

No words were exchanged between the two of you as you continued to stare, looking at the book then back at him. It was only for a minute at most, yet it felt a lot longer before you turned on your heels without so much as a word. It was brief, but Alhaitham thinks he saw the tips of your ears flush. Oh, did he stumble upon a guilty pleasure of yours?

His actions must have been the cause of this deviation from routine, Alhaitham concluded while staring at the stack of books presented to him. Even on birthdays and holidays, gifts weren’t regularly exchanged between the two of you, so this was certainly a surprise. You were looking at him with eyes urging him to take the heavy books from your hands. He couldn’t refuse the offer.

What came next was even more of a surprise, you sat on the usually empty sofa and pulled out a book of your own. The cover was different from the ones lining your bookshelf, the colors were much simpler, he also notes that the book comes from Fontaine. You were quiet and focused on your own novel, it didn’t cause any disruptions to his sacred reading time so he didn’t say anything about it.

Soon your curled form on the sofa became a regular sight to see. Every now and then you’d readjust your position, trying to find a comfortable way to hold your book while also relaxing. Alhaitham subconsciously scribbles down brief notes on the book he holds in his other hand. Yet this time when he looked down, he had recorded this small detail about you on the paper. He felt your eyes glancing over as he swiftly crossed out what he had just written.

A few days later you gifted him more books along with a new notepad. Now there's an unequal exchange happening. You have now gifted him many items, and he has yet to give you anything in return besides a simple ‘thanks’. What should he give you? Alhaitham pondered the question for a bit.

He realizes that he doesn’t have a firm grasp on your likes and dislikes. Should he try books? No, he’s not familiar enough with your taste in literature to confidently gift a book you’d enjoy. If there was something that you liked, you’d just buy it right then and there with no hesitation with your own money. He thought about it a bit longer.

When you came home from a particularly tiring day of work you’d often have a small take-out bag in your hands. The frown on your face would melt away the moment you pulled the padisarah pudding from the bag. Alhaitham opened his eyes, he has found the gift to give you. But from which cafe did you get that dessert?

“Oh?” You looked at the padisarah pudding currently on the kitchen table.

“It’s for you.” Alhaitham didn’t look up from his book.

“Thank you. Actually, I have something for you as well.” You began to dig through your bag.

Alhaitham glanced up to see you present him a new notepad and a stack of stick notes, the green paper embossed with gold detailing. He hasn’t even touched the first notepad you had gifted with a pen, and here you were giving him another. Now the current gift balance is even more off.

You took your first spoonful of the pudding, his teal eyes secretly peeking at your expression as you processed the flavor. You furrowed your brow slightly holding the spoon in your mouth, then shrugged your shoulder as you took another bite. Your face didn’t light up like when you ate the ones you bought.

Tsk, this means Alhaitham bought it from the wrong store. He knows he could simply just ask you which place made your favorite pudding. However, he finds the opportunity for experimentation in front of him more interesting. He wonders what faces you’ll give for each variation of the dessert.

He gained more knowledge about you, you have a sweet tooth. He already guessed from your fondness for a certain dessert, but those were a treat for once in a while. You liked fruits, often snacking on them when you were bored on your phone, or as a late-night snack when reading.

“Mmmh.” You looked down at the zaytun peach in your hand.

“Is something the matter?” He asked, placing his cup of coffee down.

“Which vendor did you get this peach from?” You looked over at him.

“Why? Is there something wrong with the quality?”

“No, I like it. It’s got the right amount of firmness and sweetness.” You took another bite.

Alhaitham made sure to only get zaytun peaches from that specific vendor.

Currently, the head secretary was facing a small dilemma. On his desk he has amassed quite a collection of stationeries. All in part thanks to you, he took some of the notepads and sticky notes to his office, your gifting habits slowed when it looked like he was using them. The ashen-haired man could not pinpoint where this sudden obsession of giving him stationeries came from.

Although, he has to admit it is quite amusing to watch the expression on your face as you watched his every time you handed over a new office item. It reminds him of a cat presenting its owner with shiny objects it had found, waiting for its human to react. But the current gift exchange ratio is still off.

His teal eyes scanned the report that had been placed on his desk earlier in the morning, there were a lot of important details between the lines on the pages. He should list down the details on a note before passing it on to the CEO. A hand reached towards the pile of post-its on his desk, courtesy of you, before it stopped.

‘It would be too much of a waste to use good quality paper for such a tedious task.’ He reasons as he used one of the subpar post-its provided by the office.

Dropping the report off at the CEO’s desk before he headed out for his lunch break. Walking to his favorite cafe, a familiar flash of color caught his eyes, a florist was selling potted pardisarahs. You did always seem to admire the colorful flowers that decorated the top of the dessert.

He stood there on the street contemplating the plant. Padisarahs are fickle flowers, needing a specific blend of soil and precisely measured amounts of water. Too much sun and the fragile petals will burn, too little and the vibrancy of its leaves fade. He concluded that he didn’t want to bestow such a hassle on you.

Returning from his lunch break to his office, Alhaitham was greeted by a great violation of his personal space. Covering his desk were stacks of new proposals and applications, those weren’t out of the ordinary. But the colorful squares plastered all over each new proposal were:

Please approve these proposals secretary Alhaitham! They are very important! ASAP

Here are the calculations of the research funds for next year, take a look at them - T

Alhaitham you better approve my application this time, the project is already delayed and I filed this paperwork twice! If you have any respect for your senior then approve this as soon as possible! - K

Head secretary, these are the new amendments to company policies. The legal team is awaiting your approval before we proceed with the implementation. - C

They used the stationeries that you had gifted him to write nonsense. They had the gall to ask him for favors after they touched his desk without permission and wasted such pretty paper.

Every proposals on his desk got thrown in the trash without so much as a glance. Nothing got approved, next time they should carefully consult his listed work hours outside the office.

He didn’t think he’d have to make a sign that said ‘do not touch the items on my desk’ to a workplace of grown adults, but he was very much contemplating it now.

Later that night, his annoyance from earlier in the day melted away once he cracked open the new book gifted to him. Your form comfortably wrapped in a light quilt as you cradled yours. The minutes turned into hours, the silence comfortable like the heat from a fireplace. A soft snap echoed through the room, your hand moving towards your face from the corner of his eye.

“Is something the matter?”

“Mm? Oh, no. The ending was just sad.” You wiped a tear from your other eye.

He learned something new about himself today, he didn’t like seeing you cry.

You really should’ve known better. Like Icarus, you’ve flown too close to the sun. The glue binding the wings of maturity and sanity you’ve crafted started to melt and fall apart, causing you to plunge down. Falling back into the obsession of ‘love’. What started as just one book, turned into two, turned into four. Now your once sparsely populated shelves were crowded with new romance titles of all sorts.

“You’re rather late today.” Alhaitham’s voice made you freeze in place.

Why did the living room have to be so close to the front door, maybe you should’ve snuck back in through the back door. Sneaking back into your own house, did you revert back to a teenager while in your fourth year of marriage?

“Sorry ‘bout that, I got caught up with friends.”

That was a blatant lie, your poor friends were dragged into your mess all because you couldn’t be honest. You weren’t in their company, no, you were in the theaters watching a film alone. But how could you ever admit to him that as the Alpha and Omega lovers danced on the screen, you pictured your faces over theirs?

Alhaitham acknowledged your explanation with a small hum, never looking up from his book. Good, because you were certain if he did, he would’ve seen right through your lie.

Was your handsome husband the spark that rekindled your obsession? Or was it the stories you’ve been consuming that made your heart thump harder in his presence?

You weren’t sure which was which, but you couldn’t deny the truth you’ve buried. You were in love with Alhaitham. It was an undeniable fact. From the beginning, you’ve always liked him. His quiet demeanor, his baritone voice, and his teal-orange eyes. But now you were in love with them, every aspect of him. You hated how helpless it made you feel.

But you secretly liked how good it felt. After years of dormancy, you finally felt it, the rush described to you in those stories. That can’t sleep love, that delicious burn of pining, the itch in your chest as you laid in bed next to him. Two quilts defining the unseen boundaries of personal space, you longed to creep over it but you lacked the courage.

What does he smell like? The same shower and laundry products were shared between the two of you. But that is not what you meant. What did his pheromones smell like? Was it a cool fresh scent, cool like the minty streaks hidden through his ashen hair? Or was it deep and woodsy? Maybe he smells like the pages of an old library book.

You used to pity your Omega classmates, for you knew the stigma and inconveniences they will face in their lives. However, right now you envied them to the point of nausea. They knew what Alhaitham’s scent was, but you don’t. Why did you have to be a Beta?

The demon known as insecurity you thought you’ve left behind was actually lurking in your shadow the whole time.

Maybe you should check yourself into the Bimarstan, the fever of love feels as if it’s melting your brain. His gaze felt piercing now, his accidental skinships seared your skin. You had no one to blame but yourself, Alhaitham is not at fault, you were the one who fell into the fire as he sat in his place on the couch unaware. Even after four years you still couldn’t be honest with your own husband.

Feelings were never discussed because he believed you had a mutual understanding that this was for convenience.

You can’t tell him you wanted more. How can you tell him you wanted more? There’s already a wall four years in the making, too great to overcome.

‘I need to rein myself in’ Alhaitham thought as his eyes followed your figure through the crowd below. It was a slow Friday at work so he decided to walk away from his desk, arriving at an overpass that looked over the streets of Sumeru. Something compelled him to look below, and under the golden sun there you were, and by your side was another Alpha.

Dehya is her name, a good friend of yours that you introduced once before leaving for a birthday celebration. A good friend who had the privilege to ruffle your hair and loop an arm around your shoulders as she ushers you into one of the many stalls filled with glittering trinkets.

His hand tightened its grip on the railing, why did she have privileges he was denied? Alhaitham felt he was stalking his own wife. Idiotic really.

Skinship was not commonplace between you, an unseen glass wall defining the boundaries of your personal space. Whenever his skin met yours, you’d flinch and pull away as if you were burned. He always just apologize and the two of you would move on without another word. Hell, even if his eyes lingered on you for too long you’d tense up.

It’s been happening more often now, is it because his eyes started wandering more towards your figure or how his hand itched to hold yours?

Were you scarred by a past relationship? Were your flinches the remnants of a darker period in your life before him? His jaw clenched. By pulling a few strings he had pulled up more files of your past, to satisfy his mind’s hungry, but there was nothing. It only made his curiosity hunger more, or was it something else? Alhaitham wanted answers to why you hated his touches and stares, yet wanted to be in his presence and give him gifts.

There was only one conclusion he could come up with: you liked your personal space. And he will respect it, but why did your friends not have to?

There was now a knot in his stomach as if a beast was clawing at it, maybe he should call off work and head to the Bimarstan. He disappeared from the overpass.

–

“Haitham.” He heard your soft pounds on the door.

“Leave some hot water for me.” He could envision the pout on your lips, and that’s what brought him over the edge.

Watching with shameless eyes as the evidence of his guilt washed down the shower drain, running water masking his pants.

If he can’t touch you, that doesn’t mean he can’t think about you; words spoken like a true creep he silently chastised. Alhaitham doesn’t care to admit how long he’s been doing this, perhaps his primal urges weren’t as controlled as he believed.

It’s strange really, you’re a Beta yet you make him have these urges.

You don’t produce any pheromones to cling onto his body. But by using the same shower products as you, it serves the same purpose of scenting no? A foolish voice Alhaitham pushed from the back of his mind, taking another pump of your body wash. Maybe he should check the dosage of his inhibitors.

–

The only opportunity he got to observe you closely was when you were asleep. ‘You’re quite the heavy sleeper’, he notes as his eyes traced over the subtle curves of your cheeks, the contours of your nose, and the softness of your lips.

It’s accepted wisdom that Omegas were the most beautiful people. The top A-list singers and actors being Omegas only solidified the belief. However, Alhaitham’s confident your existence could challenge that very notion.

If it weren’t for your distinct lack of a scent, any Alpha could’ve mistaken you for an Omega. Even his guests were taken aback by how your appearance didn’t match your status as a Beta.

There was a pang in his chest. If he felt those urges when looking at you, then it’s guaranteed that others, specifically other Alphas, have felt it as well. But why? He trusted you to stay true to your convictions of loyalty and integrity… He wasn’t so sure about others though. Even with the inhibitors coursing through his system, he couldn’t seem to push down that annoying hand clawing at his back.

You stirred, huddling into your blanket more, snapping his attention back. ‘Oh, you must be cold again’. The houses in Sumeru were designed to keep hot air out, so when a northern cold front blew in, you definitely felt it.

Quietly getting up, Alhaitham pulled the spare quilt out of the closet, gently layering it over your curled form. The knit between your brows disappeared as a pleased expression overtook your face. Were you having a pleasant dream? Was he ever included? Subconsciously his hand began to reach for your face, only to freeze.

‘Personal space’ he reminds himself as he strolls out of the bedroom.

It makes no sense to him, you’re a Beta. In fact, the reason why he married you in the first place was because he believed your lack of pheromones and lack of heats won’t disrupt his peaceful life. The matchmaker had called him her biggest challenge, persevering only because of a promise made to his late grandma.

So, how were you still corrupting his thoughts like this?

He should read to calm his mind before he attempts to join you back in bed. Thoughts running laps in his head, analyzing then overanalyzing every last explanation he could come up with.

Alhaitham’s greedy hands made their way over to your bookshelf, perhaps he could sedate a bit of his curiosity as well. Pulling the Fontainian novel that marked the start of a tradition.

Under the golden glow of a lamp he flipped through the pages, it seems that your taste in literature has matured. Teal eyes skimming past a paragraph before going back to do a double take.

‘Love born in the brain is more spirited, doubtless, than true love, but it has only flashes of enthusiasm; it knows itself too well, it criticizes itself incessantly; so far from banishing thought, it is itself reared only upon a structure of thought.’

He reached an epiphany.

It looks like you’ve been careless recently. Too distracted by the task of masking your infatuation of your husband from your husband, and maintaining your independent mask to realize that Alhaitham had once again finished all his books.

The novel right in front of you, moved from its place on your shelf, was proof of that.

‘It’s a good book’

Your husband’s neat handwriting was present on the small mint post-it plastered on the front cover. It was a simple gesture yet it made your heart flutter as if you had won the achievement of a lifetime. You finally got Alhaitham to use one of the many stationeries gifted to him.

Carefully peeling the paper off the cover, then folding it to tuck it away in your pocket.

“At least it’s not another light novel this time.” You affirmed, sticking the book back into its spot.

“The mahamatra have announced a total recall of the inhibitors distributed during the past three months, with reports-”

You were lost in your own little world, contemplating just which books haven’t you bought for your husband yet. Tuning out the sounds of the bookstore playlist and TV as your eyes scanned the titles of the thick books in front of you.

Would he like Sci-Fi? Sure it’s not academic but maybe it’ll have nuggets of information in there that’d catch his interest.

The weight of the books made your bag strap dig into your shoulder, seeing the house in the distance, you picked up your pace for the home stretch. Tomorrow marks the start of a four-day public holiday, and after the crunch time your boss put you through to tie up loose ends. You needed it.

Turning the keys in the knob you entered your peaceful little safe haven.

Only to immediately feel the heaviness in the air.

Your husband should be home by now, yet the spot on the couch remained empty. His shoes were placed at the door, albeit messily. Kicking off yours as you placed the bag on the coffee table, you navigated your way through the halls.

The atmosphere was quiet, but not the comforting silence you’ve experienced for the last five years.

“Haitham?” You called out, about to turn the corner into the master bedroom.

His black button-down and slacks were thrown all over the floor, a large lump was currently huddled under your blankets on your side of the bed. ‘Oh, he must be napping’.

Two years in, Alhaitham slept shirtless again like he did before you came. Never before were you grateful that your job made you get up at ungodly 8 am, but having an extra 30 minutes to look at his godly body as he slept made mornings bearable.

Still, the air didn’t feel right and even if he was messy sometimes, your husband never just threw his clothes on the ground when the laundry basket was right in the corner. His breathing also seemed labored.

“Haitham, are you sick?” Reaching a hand into the cocoon of blankets, feeling for his temperature.

A sharp inhale was heard as his breathing stilled, his skin was burning. You moved onto a different patch of skin to confirm it. He must have a fever.

“You’re burning! I’ll get medicine and water, don’t move.” Your hand quickly retracted.

Just as your back was turned towards him, like a monster from beneath the blankets a pair of arms entrapped you.

“H-haitham?” His touch was searing you.

“W-woah?!”

In an instant, you were pinned under Alhaitham’s towering form, the soft sheets cushioning your body. The place where he once curled was twisted and balmy. Your eyes shoot up at him as he hovered above, your body stiffened. A scarlet haze offset the brilliant teal hue you’ve grown so infatuated with, a sense of impending danger ran down your neck.

He doesn’t have a fever, he’s in a rut.

Your thoughts were running wild, bouncing around in your skull as his labored breathing above continued. In all five years, you’ve never seen Alhaitham go into a rut, he was always diligent with his inhibitors. You’ve never been around an Alpha in rut, after all, you were never the one to trigger it.

It’s embarrassing really, you had no idea what to do, all your experience with ruts came from those steamy light novels.

“H-haitham, let me up, I’ll get your inhibitors...” You tried to tug your wrists from his grasp.

Big mistake. His grip tightened as he buried his face into the side of your neck, a low rumble was felt from his chest. Alhaitham had his nose right up against your neck, taking deep inhales as if he was trying to detect something.

You shivered as your body temperature shot up, you’ve never been this close to him, the brushes of his ashen locks against your neck made your legs rub together.

“Hey…” You moved your neck away, the sensation was almost overwhelming.

“Stay still.” A baritone voice vibrated against you.

On command your body stilled, muscles refusing to move as Alhaitham continued his search. His breath was against your ear, tickling it as he took deep inhales of your hair. A low groan was heard as if he was frustrated with something.

“Not enough.”

“Huh?-”

The sound your blouse getting torn off your body resonated through the air. Even will a layer of clothing gone, your body felt hotter. Just as you began to process the loss of your favorite blouse, another rip rang in your ears. Your skirt was now gone as well. You were so vulnerable under his touches.

Dragging his nose down from your neck, over your covered breasts, then along your belly. His hands now gripped your thighs as he shifts down to part them effortlessly, eyes focused on your covered cunt.

Your mind was groggy, reactions dulled, why was the room so hot? Suddenly you felt his nose against your cunt, taking long whiffs of the slick that was beginning to wet the fabric of your panties. That was enough to spark action from you.

“H-hey!” Your hands pushed against his messy locks as your thighs tried to preserve your dignity.

“Ah!” You couldn’t stop the moan that escaped your mouth.

In protest of your attempt to shut him out of heaven, Alhaitham bit into the soft flesh of your thigh. Hazy eyes looking straight into yours, warning you to not do it again. His intense gaze made something deep in your cunt pulse.

Sharp teeth released soft skin as his attention was back on the honeypot in front of him. Your panties offered as much resistance as wet paper against his swift tug, the fabric now on the floor in pieces.

Your cunt twitched with each hot breath that hit against its wet lips. With the thin barrier gone, Alhaitham can now freely bury his nose against your honeypot, tingles ran up his spine as the sweet musk of your slick sent his olfactory system into chaos. His throat felt parched as if he had just trekked the desert, he needed a taste.

“Ah! Ahhh,” your back arched as his hot tongue lapped against your cunt.

Alhaitham was slurping up your slick like a depraved beast, wet muscles sliding up the whole length of your slit, occasionally dipping into the contracting hole. Your whole body shook when the smoothness of his tongue ran across your clit, toes curling in the air.

The shower head couldn’t bring out this level of pleasure. The fantasies you envisioned during your long showers couldn’t compare to the scene happening right now. His ministration continued, each stroke of his tongue sending blinding waves of pleasure.

His hips were angrily rutting against the sheets, erection rubbing against the fabric impatiently. But he had to taste you more, his mind hazy as it craved nothing more than your taste. It was his first taste, but he was already addicted. Your legs tensed up in his grip as a loud whine left your lips, your body shaking as a sudden rush of slick was welcomed onto his awaiting tongue.

Your sensitive body tried to flinch away as he continued to lap against your swollen lips and clit but his iron grip on your legs didn’t let you budge an inch. Eyes rolled back as the sweet torture continued.

Your body convulsed, did you just cum again? Two orgasms sapped you of all strength, everything fell limp as your moans continued to fill the room. Your mind too foggy to even process the feeling of embarrassment. It felt so good, yet it was torturing, your cunt was sobbing for something else.

As if taking mercy on your desperation, or maybe his desperation had reached its limit, Alhaitham pulled away. Teary eyes followed his motion, watching as he aligned his length with your greed.

You’ve seen him walk out of the shower in just a towel, how did he hide this behind a puny towel?

Your cunt’s eagerness blocked any hesitation from reaching your brain as his length dragged itself against your soaked lips. The pillow behind your head was not enough, you needed something more solid to hold onto, to ground the last shred of your sanity.

Shaky hands released the plush pillows, outstretched towards Alhaitham’s immense frame. A growl ripped through his chest as he dove into your arms at the same time as his length thrusted fully inside you.

“OH!” Your fingers left deep stretches along his shoulder blades.

His pants and soft growls vibrated against your neck as your eyes rolled back again, the fullness you’d been craving has been fulfilled. The stretch burned in all the right ways as your walls clung onto his member, thick and hard. Soft legs locked around a solid torso, your body pressed against his as his frame pinned yours to the bed. Just as you were adjusting to feeling of his length inside, his hips began moving.

They were merciless, slapping against your hips and ass as the force made your whole body bounce. His length punishes your walls as it pulled out to just the tip only to be slammed back in at full strength. You clung to his muscular body for dear life, breasts bouncing out of their home in your bra.

Nonsense was spilling out of your mouth as your brain malfunctioned from the blinding flashes of pleasure. The slick slaps of your cunt eagerly welcoming his every move and the headboard of the bed knocking against the wall complimented each other.

Alhaitham’s pants were growing heavier, growls deeper as his tongue began to trace up and down your neck. The sensation along with his thick tip bullying your poor sweet spot pushed you over the edge for the third time. Walls clamping down to milk him as your legs squeezed him, the pleasure was toeing the edge of pain, much like how your brain was on the verge of madness.

Nothing interrupted the pistoning of his hips as he fucked you through your orgasm, heavy balls slapping against your swollen lips.

As the high was beginning to wear off, his pace became impossibly fast, the solid wood headboard now banging against the poor wall. Your bodies rocking together on the bed, he buried his face deeper into your neck. His teeth danced along your shoulder as your moans sang in his ears. He wanted to hear more of it.

Alhaitham’s hips slammed against yours one final time before they stilled, teeth digging into your shoulder to suppress a moan, burying his length deep inside your cunt as his thick seed spilled.

Your greed drank all of it up gratefully as your shoulder stung.

Your chest was raising and falling fast, lungs trying to hog all the air that it could hold. Heart pounding hard in your ears. Tears and drool wet your face as your head fell weakly to the side on the soft pillow. You were completely spent as your arms didn’t even have the strength to hold onto him. Limbs limp and nerves fried.

Above you Alhaitham continued to pant into your shoulder, length still buried inside.

After a couple more harsh pants and deep breaths, you felt him stir, pushing against the bed to unpin you from his frame.

“Ah-hh ahh~” You felt your walls clench once more around his length as he pulled out, a thick string of mixed slick connected his tip to your hole.

Your body longed for rest as you turned onto your stomach, face pressed against the pillow, still panting heavily as your eyes closed.

Two large hands grasped firmly onto your hips, startling your consciousness back as you looked over your shoulder.

Alhaitham still had that scarlet haze in his eyes as he lifted your hips up, watching as more mixed fluids began to tickle out of your abused hole. Your eyes shifted down and you gulped, he was still erect.

You were quite foolish to believe that one round was enough to satisfy an Alpha in rut. However, if it weren’t for his firm grasp on your hips, your body would’ve collapsed back into the sheets.

A loud whine left your throat, vocalizing your exhaustion to him. It’s been a long time since you got any action, the two of you didn’t even consummate on the wedding night, it was spent packing your stuff.

You tried to shift your hips out of his grip but he only held on tighter, earning another whine.

Soft kisses were pressed against your back as if he was trying to soothe you. It was pathetic how weak you were to them, instantly melting against the pillow. Maybe you can last one more round you thought as his length rubbed against your slit again.

Thanks to the extra prep and lubrication from the last round your walls were much more accustomed to the stretch as Alhaitham entered once more. His beginning thrusts were much more slowed and controlled than before as you moaned softly into the pillow.

This couldn’t last sadly, as his lust overtook him again and his hips once again slammed into you, forcing a choked moan from you. Using his hands, he held your body up as he pulled all the way out until the tip then cruelly forced it all back into you.

You wanted to beg him to rest, but you also wanted to beg for more. Your sloppy cunt accepted all his punishing movements with gratitude as the wet walls thanked his length with kiss-like contractions.

Your eyes were rolled to the back of your head, mind absolutely blank, the pleasure must’ve melted your brain. All you could do was grip the tear-soaked pillow and let out moan after moan, the poor wall still getting beaten by the movement of the headboard. Tension building up once more in you.

Somewhere along the lines, you felt his teeth graze against your nape as his thrust picked up the pace once more, a sign that he was close to finishing. He was panting against the back of your neck as if he was searching for something. With a particularly harsh snap of his hips, he bites deeply into your nape as he releases a fresh batch of seed.

“Why?”

You felt the frustrated growls against your skin as he bites again at a different angle. The pleasureful pain seems to have jump started your brain for just a second.

‘Oh, he’s trying to bond.’ You felt Alhaitham’s soft locks brush against your shoulders as he continued his fruitless search.

You were once reminded that you were just a Beta, unable to form a bond. He could bite your neck as many times as he wanted. His teeth can pierce the flesh until the skin was raw, but it would be all for naught. He’ll never get that satisfaction. You don’t have the glands to be bitten, to be marked, to be bonded with.

You weren’t an Omega. There was now a heavy knot in your chest.

–

You weren’t even sure what day it was, all you can recall is the hazy cycle of intense lust followed by a lull before the next round. During the lull, you did your damnedest to keep yourself and him hydrated, often having to lure him into the kitchen for some much-needed water and quick snacks.

The air of the house was thick with the musk of sweat and desire, very nerve of yours fried from pleasure.

Once again your body was pinned under his, legs thrown over his shoulders as his hips desperately snapped against yours.

Every article of clothing has long since been removed, allowing your breasts to bounce along with every thrust. By now you were certain the shape of him was pounded into your cunt. The soaked sheets below clutched in your hands as if to ground you from floating up to cloud nine.

The harsh pants and low growls above you increased in frequency in time with his thrusts. He must be close again.

Fortunately, you’ve noticed that the breaks between each round have been getting longer and longer. A sign that the rut was ending. If you survive this you’ll bring offers to the sanctuary of surasthana to thank the archons for their blessing. Maybe after the feeling returns back to your legs of course.

Suddenly your face was pushed into the side of his neck, the scent of sweat now stronger.

“Bite.” His rugged voice commanded.

Ah… he wanted you to mark him. With clumsy teeth, you felt around the smooth muscles. You can’t sense where his glands were so you just bit down at random along his neck. It was useless, you knew it, but still...

Alhaitham pushed himself eagerly against your teeth, encouraging you to bite harder with a growl. You obliged.

His teeth ran along your raw neck, already covered in his bites and hickeys, searching for one last spot. Your jaw clamped down harder as his teeth sank into your neck one last time. Hips stilling as one final wave flooded into you, it was hard to tell when one orgasm ended and another began.

Your hands found purchase around his back again, holding him close as you panted against his neck. Against yours a frustrated growl vibrated once more, his muddled mind confused as to why no bond has formed.

“Why?”

There was that cold pierce of pain again.

The large hand on the back of your head held your nose close against his searing skin. It could’ve just been your fried nerves, but as the darkness overtook your vision, you could’ve sworn there was a warm and opulent scent of wood and books.

If you were reborn, in the next life could you recognize his scent?

Your eyes opened up to blinding sunlight. Your body ached as if it had been through hell and back, bones threatening to turn into dust at any second. The large bed messy and only occupied by one body. Shifting your sight away from the stinging light, his empty pillow came into view.

You weren’t sure what came over you, but even as your muscles screamed you pressed your nose into the cold pillow and inhaled. Nothing. Just sweat and disappointment.

Just what were you hoping for? That a few nights of passion would birth a miracle? That you’d somehow turn into something you couldn’t be? In the end, you were still you. Those novels must’ve rotted your common sense, stupid.

Bitter tears fell onto the pillow, you didn’t have the strength to hold back the sobs as they wrecked through your body.

Yes, you were stupid. So stupid from the very start to believe that this could work. That maybe after a few more years, maybe at the seven-year mark, he could fall in love with you as well.

The dream of his tender eyes looking into yours with love crumbled right there in front of you.

A cup clanged onto the desk in the room as footsteps quickly made their way to your side, a blurred figure knelt down.

“Is your body hurting anywhere? I’ll take you to the Bimarstan.” Alhaitham gently sat your covered figure up, trying to see the extent of the situation.

Your small hands pushed against his solid frame, his motion stilled as you refused to allow him to see your face.

However, Alhaitham knows he didn’t have the right to. Not only did he invade your sacred personal space, but he did so like a wild beast. Not allowing your body to rest or replenish itself as he trapped you to the bed for almost four days. He deduced that you must be hurting, that you must be scared of him now, and that must be the reason behind your tears.

Guilt was suffocating him. Those stupid urges, that stupid rut. His stupid hands refusing to let you go.

Throughout your whole marriage, you had put on the mask of independence, someone who did not need to lean on a husband for comfort. Yet here you were, bawling out your eyes in front of him like a child. Your façade has been cracked, tears soaking into his pillow and snot trickling down under his unwavering gaze.

What was the look on his face right now? You couldn’t see through the mirage of tears blurring your sight, not that you had the courage to face him. Was it disappointment? Right now as he observed your vulnerable figure, did he feel lied to after all these years? Like he had just discovered the defects in a product?

The freezing water of self-loathing, doubt, and insecurity filled you like a boat whose haul had been pierced by the jagged edges of an iceberg. You were drowning, your limbs kicking and thrashing with all their might trying to resurface.

For a brief moment, your face bobbed above the crashing waves.

“Let's get a divorce.”

Those were the only words you managed to choke out in the space between your sobs before your head disappeared under the murky waters once more.

His whole body froze as he processed your words. Alhaitham had already deduced why you wanted to end this relationship, he had hurt and scarred you. Yet, like a child, he still wanted to clamber for more answers.

“Why?” He said through clenched teeth, you couldn’t see it but his hands had a slight shake.

“We’re not satisfied, Alhaitham. I-it’s not working, I-i can’t satisfy your requirements. I-i can’t make you happy, I-i can’t make you love… me.” Hiccups breaking up your sentences.

That was it, you spilled out all your secrets. Your lungs and throat hurting as if you just pushed salt water out of them.

Alhaitham’s hands were balled up so tightly his nails broke the skin on his palms.

So, you weren’t happy. He couldn’t make you happy. He felt as if he had dropped down to the tier of a fool. A fool who didn’t know how to make those bitter tears of yours stop.

He released you.

You felt his presence disappear from your side. The touch of warmth he provides was now gone as coldness fully engulfs your whole being. The tears just wouldn’t stop. Is this what those heartbroken sobs actually felt like? Why did you ever think this was something to be desired? You truly were an idiot.

You weren’t sure how long had passed, a few seconds or a few minutes, but his presence returned back to your side. He looked as if he had something in his hands. Were they divorce papers? Ah, Alhaitham was a man who always had a plan for everything. Did he have a premonition that this marriage was doomed from the start? How long has he had them?

Alhaitham didn’t feel like he had the right to touch you. However, he needed to do something to make you look at him. Please, just look at him. His large hands tenderly grasped yours as if they were made from glass. You still hid your face from him.

“I won’t bind you to a life that brings you unhappiness. But.. You have to tell me” His voice wasn’t as steady as he wanted it.

“If you want strolls through the market, tell me. If you want to be woken up with sweet whispers, tell me. If you want to hold hands across a date night table, then tell me. You have to tell me what will make you happy.” He wasn’t sure if those were your unfulfilled desires or his.

You could only tighten your grip on his hands as you sobbed harder.

Your statement from before was incorrect. Alhaitham is also at fault for this pain you were going through. If there was one feeling that was just as addictive as love, it would be hope. Please, please don’t give false hope.

“I-i’ll disrupt your-r life…” You managed to choke out.

His thumb gently stroke the back of your knuckles.

“How could you ever disrupt something you’re a part of?”

Your hesitant eyes finally met his teal gaze, his eyes soft as opposed to their usual stonewall stare. With the walls down, you were given a glimpse into the whirling emotions behind them. Endearment, sincerity, and hurt danced along the green-blue irises.

“As for your last reason, here. I should’ve just given this to you directly.” His hands let go of yours, picking up the item he had brought.

He handed over the book you had placed back on your bookshelf a few days earlier, the one he had left his note on. So, he didn’t have divorce papers prepared? Your trembling hands accepted it, and through your teary eyes, you finally noticed the torn-out green and gold note contrasting between the cream pages.

Tenderly, you unfolded the piece of paper retrieved from the book. Quickly blinking to clear your eyes from excess tears. In the neat script of Alhaitham’s handwriting:

‘Love born in the heart as opposed to Love born in the brain:

When one loves at first sight or goes looking for love, then one is essentially just attracted to someone for the sake of being with someone. Not looking objectively at any warning signs or relationship flaws one has with someone. If there are any issues, the bias of infatuation blinds you to them.

So that's loving with the heart, based solely on carefree addictive emotion, even though it feels stronger and more enthusiastic on the surface.

Love from the brain is more logical and objective. You take the time to understand a person, seeing them for them with unbiased eyes. You understand them thoroughly and can maturely and objectively work through the turbulence of life together. Individuals who set aside precious time to manually repair creaks, maintaining the structural integrity of a home that shelters their affections.

With the diligence of a conservator preserving ancient scripts on papyrus that should have been disintegrated long ago.

The latter rather than the former describes the bond forged between my wife and I.’

Your grip crumpled the side of the paper.

“What does this mean?” Hesitation in your voice as tears blurred your vision of his teal eyes.

“I love you.” He confessed. Three words have been overdue for years.

‘Don’t be filled with false hope’ Your mind echoed.

“I’m not an Omega…”

“That’s not a requirement for love.”

That was it. It was as if you’ve been waiting all this time for him to say those words. The words of affirmation you didn’t know you needed. The key to free you from the cage of insecurity you’ve built for yourself.

Your feet now touched the warm sandy bottom as air rushed back into your lungs.

It looks like you’ve figured it out. Regardless of what definition of love has been pushed by external forces, these feelings he holds for you are objectively pure and true love. His hands tenderly took yours away from its grip on the paper. If you wanted him to, Alhaitham will spend the rest of his life proving it to you. He’ll conduct every experiment and collect all the data points to present to you.

How silly, a red thread spun by two pairs of hands, created through undying trust, respect, and admiration had already tied the two of you in a bond. The love you were trying so hard for had always been right in front of you for five years.

The blanket draped behind your head resembled a wedding veil as the fabric folded and gathered around your trembling body. ‘Beautiful’ He thought.

The room was a mess, sheets and clothes strewn all across the floor. The musk of lust still hung heavy in the air, the residue of sweat and other fluids still clinging to skin. Your hair was all over the place, tears still pouring from your eyes, his hair was no better. But in this moment, there was nothing more Alhaitham wanted to do than this:

“Will you take me, Alhaitham, as your lawfully married husband? To love me through sickness and health, through poverty and wealth, and through sun and rain?”

Sobs were still wracking through your body, words unable to form in your mouth but you were nodding your head enthusiastically. Your hands felt small firmly holding onto his larger ones.

“I, Alhaitham, will take you as my lawfully married wife. I will love you through sickness and health, through poverty and wealth, and through sun and rain… I do.”

It was a silly sight to behold, but in this moment as he finally sees a smile break out on your face, it means the world to him.

There’s a saying from a well-known poet from Fontaine it goes as follows:

‘Love is being stupid together.’

And clearly, the two of you have been very stupid. Oh so stupidly in love.

Fin~

Authors note:

The long quote was taken from Stendhal’s The Red and The Black

The last quote is from Paul Valery

Also communication is v important to any relationship, people can’t read minds Alhaitham. If you made it this far, thank you and hope you enjoyed!

DON’T PLAGIARIZE, TRANSLATE, OR REPOST MY WORKS ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS.

6K notes · View notes

wardenparker · 8 months

Text

Private Dick

Tim Rockford x plus size reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

Rating: E for Explicit! 18+ Word Count: 11.8k Warnings: Plus size female reader with anxiety and internalized fatphobia/dysphoria. Tim is divorced with a shitty ex. Food/alcohol. Biting, fingering, shower sex, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, blink and you'll miss it vague reference to a pregnancy kink, brief mention of body shaming/bullying, a lot of talk about one character being vegan. SO MUCH FLUFF. Supportive love is a wonderful thing. Summary: Things are getting serious with your boyfriend, and that means that it's time for your anxiety to come out to play. But if there's one amazing thing about Tim, it's how much he cares. Notes: We just really needed some supportive fluff and hot smut this week, guys. I don't know what else to say ❤💛🧡

“So uh, there’s gonna be a get together at my mom’s house this weekend.” Tim fastens his watch and looks around for the toothpick that he had set down. He swears he has to lay off the pepper beef, the shit always gets trapped in his teeth, but every time they order from Happy Dumplings for the office, he gets the same thing. Standing up, he slides his boxers back up over his hips and looks over his shoulder. “I might have told her that I would bring you.”

"You told your mom about me?" You were halfway out of his bed and hunting around the floor of his bedroom for your panties when he said it and your head snaps up to look at him. God, the man really has a fantastic little ass.

“Well…yeah.” Tim frowns as he reaches for his pants. “She tried to set me up with some chick from her church, says I need a good woman to take care of me.” He snorts, remembering how his ex-wife used to say she would take care of him until the late nights and crushing pressure of the job had sent her into Tommy Litchfield’s bed. The divorce hadn’t been pretty and he had seen the kids four weeks out of the year. “Figured we had been…. seeing each other long enough, so I told her.”

It's been almost seven months since you and Tim started seeing each other, as he puts it, and you know the time right down to the day. Six months, three weeks, and one day. That was the best accidental first date of your life, and even though his job is demanding, you don't mind. You have hobbies and friends - your family and your own job - all to deal with. Time with him has been the icing on the proverbial cake. Hell, the first time he called you his girlfriend was barely a month ago and you had nearly giggled yourself silly, still in that first blush of happiness in your relationship. "So...what kind of get together is this?" Your panties had gotten hooked on his bedpost and you delicately pull them down with a smothered snort. "Should I be dressing up or are jeans okay?"

“Backyard party.” He tells you. “My brother-in-law pretends he can grill worth a shit, while he gets drunk off his ass.” Tim chuckles. “We eat burnt hamburgers that a dog wouldn’t touch while the kids play in the pool. Or just lounge around it and bitch now that they are older.”

"The kids...as in...your kids?" You know the rundown - the divorce, the custody negotiations, all the bullshit that he went through ten years ago. His ex-wife had been awarded primary custody of his then ten-year-old twins and she had barely allowed him to see them each year since. In fact, he had gotten to see his niece and nephew a hell of a lot more, and as such he has a pretty good relationship with them as adults.

“Yeah.” He shrugs into his shirt and starts to button it up. He has to go back to the office to go through witness statements. Barely getting enough time for lunch and a quickie, he hopes that you aren’t tired of him yet. “They are home for the weekend from college.”

"Okay." Your agreement is instant, although it's muffled somewhere inside your dress as you pull it back over your head. Both of your lunch breaks are almost over and you both have to get back to your offices. "Yeah. Count me in. Absolutely." Well...this is gonna be all you think about until the weekend...

“Good.” He flashes you a grin when your head pops through your dress and he reaches for the gun that’s on the nightstand to loop back through his belt. “Make sure you bring your bathing suit.”

"I don't—" Oh god...that's right...he mentioned a pool. A quiet panic wraps itself around your heart and squeezes your chest, and you duck down to find your shoes so he won't see it in your eyes. "Uh—right. Bathing suit. Got it." You'll just have to pretend you forgot when the day comes, that's all. No harm there. Just silly and forgetful old you.

“Fuck, we need a longer lunch break.” Tim grumbles, stepping over to zip up your dress and he kisses the back of your neck. “Want me to come over tonight if it’s not too late?”

"I always want you to come over," you admit softly. He really does have that effect on you - always reducing you to a puddle of a grown-ass-woman when he's sweet and affectionate like this. "Baked pasta for dinner? I can warm you up a plate if it's late when you get out." There are strains of real domesticity in your relationship and you like that it's stayed functional. You're separate people with separate lives, but they're starting to fuse together in little ways.

“I love your pasta.” He admits, reminding himself that you are far too good for him and despite the fact that he was often beaten up by his workload and the grim reality he deals with on a daily basis, you are becoming a safe haven for him. “But if it’s too late, I just want to slip into bed with you.” He admits. “Wrapping my arms around you and falling asleep.”

"Here..." Your purse is sitting on his bureau against the wall by the door, and you pad over to it to pull out your keys. It's a great big, giant gesture to make, but you unclip your house key from the ring and cross the room again to hold it out to him. "I think we're both adult enough to make this step, don't you?" There's a spare key in a little ceramic rock positioned specifically in your front garden that will make its way onto your key ring when you get home, but you want to make this step. You want to show Tim that you're serious about him – especially if he wants you to meet his family this weekend.

He frowns at the key as he looks down at it, noticing the logo of the manufacturer. “I’m going to change your locks this weekend too.” He decides with a grunt. “These locks are shit.”

Even as you’re rolling your eyes, you can’t help but smile. His way of showing affection isn’t always obvious, but you’ve learned to see the signs. “Just take the key, baby. Accept the gesture and take the key.”

“Here.” He digs into his pocket for his own key ring. There’s already a spare on his other key ring, so he quickly works the key off and hands it to you. “You know, for when you plan to meet me and maybe you need to pee. Or you want to come over and jump me in the middle of the night.” He jokes with a small wink.

“So…for all the time?” It’s less sexy and more awkwardly charming when you throw a wink back at him, and you reach up to give him a kiss. “Come on, sexy. We have jobs to get back to.”

He chuckles and pats your ass he you turn around. “I’ll give you a call, m’kay babe? Let you know about what time I’ll be over.”

"Sounds good." As much as Tim always insists he likes your ass, you always have to bite back a small frown when he pats it - there's just too much of it. Too much of you in general. Nope...don't go down that road right now...just check your reflection in the mirror to make sure your hair is okay and reapply your lipstick before you get back to the office. You'll be fine. "See you tonight, baby."

“Wouldn’t miss it.” He promises, watching you walk towards your car with a small grin on his face. While he had made mistakes, been married to his job for too many years, he was trying to do right by you. Wanting this new relationship to work. He’s crazy about you and he can’t wait for you to meet his family.

******

It's four excruciating days of worry until the day of the get-together at Tim's mother's house is finally here. He came over late last night after an interrogation and climbed into your bed to wrap himself around you and fuck both of you into exhaustion. To that end, he is still asleep upstairs while you putter in the kitchen. Coffee made, a pan of apple cobbler in the oven and whipped cream made from coconut cream because he had told you months ago that one of his daughters is vegan. There's a great big container of cold peanut noodles with all kinds of veggies in your fridge, too. All that nervous energy you have has gone into cooking, and you frown behind your coffee cup when you remind yourself that habits like this are why you hate looking at yourself in the mirror.

Tim has gotten used to waking up in your bed, probably far faster than he should have, but there is a connection with you that he hasn't felt in a long time. So it doesn't take long for his hand to seek out your soft, warm skin in his sleep. He had pulled your nightgown off of you and tossed it on the floor, both of you staying naked after he had fucked you. His frown precedes his eyes opening when he finds nothing but the cool spot on the bed where you should have been. Where did you go?

Heavy footsteps on the stairs are your giveaway, and you pour a cup of black coffee for Tim after turning down the volume on your music yet again. “Morning, handsome.”

"Why didn't you wake me?" He squints at the bright light, your curtains and blinds already opened. He could kiss you when you offer the coffee and he does, reaching for you to pull you close for a quick kiss to thank you.

“It was early.” Even though you shrug apologetically, the kiss is welcome and so is the place in his arms. “And you work hard, so you deserve the sleep.”

He hums and rubs your back softly. "Would rather spend time with you." He kisses your forehead and then pulls back, taking a sip of his coffee. "It smells good in here." Standing in your kitchen in his boxers should look odd, but it feels normal. He's been here enough that he knows the layout pretty well.

“I made my apple cobbler that you like…” you admit with a sheepish shrug of your shoulders. “But I made it vegan so your daughter can have some. And…my peanut noodle recipe is vegan anyway, so that’s in the fridge.” He had insisted that you didn’t need to make anything to bring to his mother’s house today but here you are, cooking up a storm.

It takes a moment for that to register and then he's sighing softly. "You are too good, you know that?" He asks, setting the coffee cup down again so he can pull you in for another kiss. "I – you are amazing and thoughtful." He knows he wouldn't have even thought about making something for Zara. Not because he's neglectful, but because he wouldn't even know where to begin making something vegan. "Everyone is going to love you."

“I hope so.” You’re not naive enough to think that his grown kids will automatically love their father’s girlfriend for any reason, and you’ve got just enough in the way of self-esteem issues to be worried. But you fully intend to make the best impression possible today.

"Do you want to shower?" He asks, smirking slightly. "I brought my overnight bag." He routinely keeps a bag in the trunk of his car in case of overnight cases and needing a change of clothes. "We can swing by my apartment to change into something more casual on the way."

"I keep telling you to put clothes in that overnight bag." The offer of a shower is tempting, though, and you glance at the timer on the oven. "The pan comes out of the oven in two minutes. Then I'm all yours."

"I do have clothes in the bag." He grumbles at you. "Work clothes." He watches as you move gracefully around your kitchen, admiring the way you work so efficiently. There's a small smile on your lips that he's pretty damn sure you aren't even aware that you have, but it makes you look even sexier in his eyes.

"Then we'll stop at your apartment on the way." His divide between work clothes and civilian clothes is stark, and you don't begrudge him that for one second. You certainly have two sections of your closet, and hardly ever wear work clothes on the weekends.

The timer goes off and he smiles, sipping his coffee as you rush over to pull the pan out. "Now it's my time." He growls playfully, setting down the cup and moving behind you as you set it down on the oven mitt.

Even as he hauls you backward you have the urge to remind him not to try to pick you up. Thick thighs and too much tummy and saggy arms that you hate are too much for his perpetually bad back and knees after decades on the force. "Come on, handsome," you laugh softly when he presses a kiss to the juncture of your neck and shoulder. "Let's go take that shower."

The softness of your ass against his groin makes his cock start to harden. Making him groan as he pushes it into you with a suggestive thrust. "Mhmmmm, we could get dirty first." He chuckles and nips at your pulse. "Or would you rather I fuck you in the shower?"

"I thought that's what showers are for?" Your shower, anyway. The cramped space in his apartment is no good for anything but being functional. Your house, however, has a large shower stall with excellent water pressure and a separate overlarge tub in the master bath. It had been half the reason for buying the house in the first place.

"That's what should happen in every shower we take." He groans, smirking into your skin before he pulls away to take your hand. "What do you think, baby?"

"I think you're a menace," you tease, lacing your fingers through his. "And I am absolutely here for it."

He laughs as he walks a step behind you up the stairs, still holding onto your hand and cannot resist slapping your ass with his other when you move up an extra step and it's in his face. "Fuck, I love your ass." He grunts.

Too big, your dysphoria supplies immediately, and you're glad he can't see your face as you climb the stairs together. You've never been skinny but it seems like since you got past your thirtieth birthday, everything got a little bigger out of protest. Everything except your tits. "I'm glad you like it," you manage, hoping you sound bright and teasing.

"Next time I have you on your stomach, I'm going to bite it." He threatens playfully, slapping it again right as you reach the top of the stairs. His cock twitches at the thought and he’s halfway toying with the idea of seeing if you would let him fuck your ass. It's not been talked about, and he's not just going to ask.

"Wouldn't be the first time you left teeth marks in me." That actually makes you laugh, remembering the first time your best friend had noticed the imprint of Tim's pearly whites when you had gone to her house after leaving his place. It was how she found out you were seeing someone, and you hadn't lived it down for weeks.

His growl catches in his throat and his hand tugs you back, spinning you around and pressing you up against the wall so he can kiss you again. This thing with you has progressed to the point where those three little words dance in his head when he is thinking of you. Still not quite voiced, they are there. Making him crave you even more when he has you nearby and he transfers that into the pressing of your lips together.

It's a sigh and a muffled groan from you, and your arms come up around his neck easily to encourage him to take whatever he wants. He's fucking irresistible and while you still can't quite grasp why he seems to want you, you're not going to question it and ruin the best adult relationship you've ever had. You're almost grateful to the idiot that broke into your office building and caused all of you to have to make statements to the police.

You had seemed to think that you needed to wear fancy lingerie when he first started sleeping with you, but the loose nightgowns you wear now are just as sexy and far easier to access. Thankful that you had taken his word and started wearing them to bed at night. His hands plunging underneath so he can cup your tit, his other hand twisting to slide into your panties as he groans into your mouth.

Tim's fingers are thick and nimble, and you never would have thought gun callouses could be sexy until you felt them slide through your pussy the first time. The hand fully encompassing one of your tits squeezes in earnest and you groan, hips already rocking against his other hand. "Fuck, Tim."

“That’s it, baby.” He grunts, kissing down your jaw and biting your ear. “Fucking love how wet you get. Pussy is gushing for me.”

Broad shoulders, broad chest, thick fingers, quick tongue, a smile that can leave you in a daze. How would you not be absolutely gushing for him? "Always," you sigh out, breath catching when he curls his fingers against your g-spot expertly. "Need you so bad, baby."

“Just what I want to hear.” His cock pulses against your soft belly and he wants nothing more than to lift you up and fuck you against this wall. Except you would squawk the entire time to put you down. Instead, he pumps his fingers diligently, eager to make you cum so he can fuck you in the shower.

The press of those thick digits inside of you has you gasping and clinging to him as he thrusts two fingers inside of you, adding a third to make you squeal and shake even harder. His eagerness makes perfect sense considering you weren't in bed beside him when he woke up, and you let your forehead drop forward to his bicep as you ride his fingers closer and closer to cumming right there in the hallway of your little house.

“You gonna cum for me baby?” He asks, always loving when you come apart for him. It’s a gorgeous sight. “Gonna soak my fingers? Squeeze them tight?”

"I—fuck—" Three fingers in your cunt and his thumb against your clit is too much all at once in the best way possible, and you're nodding against his arms as that tingling feeling at the base of your spine explodes and you start to shake apart. For a man who claims not to have dated a lot and have been rusty on intimacy when you had first gotten together, he never lost that muscle memory of how to be an amazing lover.

“So fuckin’ pretty when you cum.” He coos in your ear, feeling your cunt sucking his fingers in deep and starting to squeeze them. “Cum for me baby.”

Your fingernails bite into his arms as you grasp him tightly, entire body tensing completely before falling apart completely – flooding his hand with cum and slumping backward against the wall so you aren't too heavy on his arm. "Goddamn, baby..." you pant with a small giggle when you can breathe again, the orgasm exploding like shooting stars behind your still closed eyes.

“Fuck, I need to be inside you.” He feels the slick coating his fingers and wants to sink inside your quivering cunt. “Shower?”

“Shower.” It doesn’t matter that your legs are jelly, you can make it ten more feet into the bathroom. Your nightgown is pulled off of you before you hit the door, and his own boxers pushed down and kicked off. Leaving you in your panties as he opens the glass door to turn the shower on.

“Just what I needed today.” You’re only half teasing as you strip off your panties and toss them in the nearby laundry basket. “To be freshly fucked when I meet your family.”

He grunts, crowding you into the shower when you climb in and turning you around to face the wall. “You want to talk to my mama with a load of my cum in your pussy?” He grins, biting your neck again. “I can make that happen.”

“You can’t just say shit like that to me.” It earns him another moan and you back your ass up against his hips eagerly. “It’s gonna be all I can think about all day.”

“Good.” He chuckles roughly as his hands grip your hips and he presses closer. His cock folding up against his body and pressing into the cleft of your ass insistently. “It’s gonna be all I think about too. Imagining you dripping. Licking you clean.”

“Gonna have to slip away to your old room to get handsy.” You tease, knowing that his mother still lives in the house he grew up in.

“Fucked my first girl in that bed.” He grunts, silently acknowledging that it would be fitting that he fucks his last girl there too.

“Gonna make me another notch on that bedpost, Rockford?” You grin over your shoulder at him as his hands knead your ass. “I bet it was some homecoming queen. Or cheerleader. Do baseball games have cheerleaders?”

“Sometimes.” He smirks and shakes his head. Aware that you have some notion that he was some kind of stud when he was younger. “But maybe that new notch will be fun.” He poses as he rocks his hips back to take his cock in his hand.

"Getting you all riled up until you fuck me is always fun." All of Tim is thick. From his muscled limbs and shoulders that test the limits of store-bought shirts, all the way to his cock. The feeling of his head pushing your pussy open makes you moan, and you brace yourself against the wall of the shower for him to take as much as he wants from you. There's a certain amount of bliss involved in being intimate with Tim and you can usually push away your insecurities in favour of seeing - and feeling - just how much he enjoys touching you. Right now, the thoughts drop away and the only thing left is yes and more and oh god.

“Fuuuuuuuuuck.” He groans as he splits you in two. “I fucking love this pussy.” His breath is heavy in your ear and he rolls his hips until he is buried deep. “Perfect, baby, you’re fucking perfect.”

Perfect. Nobody had ever called you that before, and you had instinctively laughed the first time Tim had used the word. Since then you've tried to be a little kinder with yourself, and accept that just because you don't think you're perfect doesn't mean that he can't think so. "Just for you," you groan happily, reaching back to squeeze his hip. "Only for you, baby."

His lips trail over your skin and he can’t help but continue to kiss you. Loving how you clutch him deep inside your body and the softness of you against him. Reaching for your hands, he laces his fingers with yours and lays them against the wall, sliding his feet closer.

The cold tile against your front and Tim's hot skin at your back is an intense combination that you love – an extra reason to moan with every thrust. His body seems to cover every inch of you, enveloping you in his presence, and it's almost hard to move except to grind back against him every time he fills you up. It's a gorgeous feeling that you so easily get lost in.

“Fuck, how does it get better?” He pants into your ear. “Every fucking time, you feel even better. Addicted to you.”

"Perfect." He is the perfect one, and you won't hear anything to the contrary, panting out words with every slap of his hips against your ass. "Perfect cock. Perfect fuck. Perfect man. I—" For a moment, in your rapture, the words almost slip. Thank god you manage to swallow them quickly. "So good, baby."

“I know you’re gonna cum for me again, aren’t you?” He asks, rocking his hips forward to slap against your ass as he picks up his pace.

“Just like that.” You know it won’t take long now, not if he goes just a tiny bit harder like he does when he gets close, and the begging in your voice always gets him, too. Every time. “So fucking perfect, baby. Please let me cum fo—oh fuck— so close!”

Tim hisses, squeezing your hands as he rocks up into the balls of his feet. Thrusting harder into you. “Yessss, fuck, cum for me baby.”

Bearing down on his length this time, you can practically feel his pulse through the prominent veins of his cock as they scrub against your walls. The pressure is just as perfect as the rest of him and before you know it there are stars erupting behind your eyes.

Tim groans your name when he feels you start to cum. Loving how you whine and whimper as he works you through it. Sex with you has been amazing and he hadn’t been lying when he said it just kept getting better. When that final thrust comes and you are pressed tight between Tim and the tile, the feeling of his pulsing cock filling you full of sticky cum scratches that very private, very secret dream you have of one day actually having a family with this man, and you shiver a little with personal satisfaction when he groans your name into your skin one last time.

“God.” He pants, knowing that while he’s fucking you isn’t the right time to say those words for the first time. “So good baby.”

Laughing under your breath, you groan happily and let your weight go against the wall just to feel him slump against you. “Hell of a way to start the day,” you tease.

“Should start the day this way every morning.” He laughs along with you. “Don’t you think so?”

“Why do you think I gave you a key?” Twisting around just enough to kiss him, you hum against his lips and sigh happily.

He snorts and kisses you again. “So I should just swing into the house every morning as I go into work?” He asks playfully.

The impulse is there. The invitation right on the tip of your tongue. But it’s too soon. Way too soon. He doesn’t even know how you really feel about him yet — so telling him he could just give up his tiny bachelor pad and move in with you would probably send him running for the hills. “So you can stay over whenever you want,” is how you phrase it instead, hoping that that doesn’t sound overbearing or overeager.

“Don’t tell me that.” He warns you. “Your bed is softer than mine and it has the added bonus of having you in it. You’ll get tired of me.”

“No, I won’t.” The answer is too quick. You know that, but you can’t help it. Slowly turning around, the unfortunate side effect of losing his warmth as his quickly softening cock slips out of you is replaced by the benefit of getting to look him in the eyes. “I—I won’t get sick of you, baby.”

He nudges his nose against yours gently and sighs softly. “I hoped that I would make it a little more romantic than this.” He grumbles quietly,

“A little more romantic than being snuggly after sex?” You ask incredulously. Sure you’re not wrapped up in the blankets right now, but it’s still the same feeling.

“Something more romantic than shower sex to tell you that I love you.” Tim tells you quietly. “I’m not good with words or romance.”

When you deflate in front of him it’s out of pure shock, but you push off from the wall instantly to drag him down for a kiss. “I love you, too,” you promise him in that same hushed voice. “I have for—for months.” Since the night that he braved taking you to an Indian restaurant and got through an entire dinner before you found yourselves in the middle of a music festival in the park and he tried to sneak grabbing a hot dog because he didn’t want to admit to you that he didn’t like the restaurant you said you love. “I love you so much.”

He sighs in relief, pressing his forehead against yours and chuckling with joy. “Good. I was afraid I was rushing things. Or reading too much into the amazing sex we have.”

“I don’t think seven months before the first mention of love is anybody’s definition of rushing, baby.” Placing a kiss over his heart, you can’t help the way you grin from ear to ear when you look up at him. “But you’re right about the sex being really fucking good.”

“Yes, it is.” He agrees with a roguish wink. “Now we just need to clean up.” The functional portion of the shower never takes long. You’re both well established in your habits and are clean again in under ten minutes, leaving you to towel off on the bathroom rug together in no time. “So I was thinking that after my mom’s, I could stay tonight?” He asks, keeping his tone casual. “Since I’ll be dropping you off and I have a full weekend off for once?”

“I’m gonna call up your captain and tell him I have you handcuffed to my bed,” you joke, careful to keep yourself covered even while you’re drying off from the shower. It's a habit, and even if he’s just been inside you that’s no reason to force him to look at your whole blob-like body. “He can’t have you back until Monday. Girlfriend’s orders.”

“Careful now.” He warns with a grin. “I might like be handcuffed to your bed.” He’s never really thought about using his handcuffs, despite the ribald jokes from other detectives, but if you wanted to, he would let you. He trusts you.

“You? Give up control?” Raising one eyebrow at him in the mirror, you scoff playfully. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“I thought you like when I’m in control?” He asks with a smirk. “But for you? I’d do it.”

“The perfume I wear is literally called ‘Good Girl’,” you laugh, motioning to the stiletto-shaped bottle on your bathroom shelf. “Of course I like it when you’re in charge.”

“That’s the stuff I like?” He asks, intrigued by the name. He never knows that kind of stuff, just that you smell amazing and he always wants to rip your clothes off when he smells it.

“Yup. The little bottle shaped like a high heel.” It’s your treat to yourself. Designer perfume makes you feel a little less like a fat girl playing dress up when you get ready to see Tim or go out with friends, and a little bit more like a full-grown woman. It’s silly, but if that’s what does it, then you can’t be too mad about it.

“I will have to buy you another bottle of that when you get low.” He hums, making a mental note of it. “It smells incredible on you.”

You won’t quibble with him now over the fact that it’s pricey or anything like that. It’s the gesture that counts, and the fact that you’re getting a little bit closer each and every day. “I don’t know how well it goes with chlorine.” With one little joke, you seize the chance in front of you. “Maybe I’ll abstain from swimming today.” No swimming means no swimsuit, which means no having to be partially undressed in front of his family.

Tim sends you a pout. “Nooo, I’m looking forward to getting into the pool with you.” He huffs, eager to see you in your bathing suit and watch you bask in the sun.

“It’s okay,” you insist, trying to play it off like it doesn’t matter at all. “Maybe next time.”

Tim frowns slightly when he realizes that you are serious and you will not be getting into the pool. “Yeah sure.” He nods. “Next time.” He agrees before he moves over to the sink to brush his teeth and shave.

“Okay.” He’s upset. He’s upset with you, and your mind goes straight to the worst possible scenario which is obviously that he’s going to break up with you over it. A lifetime of trying to deal with low self-esteem and self-worth issues but still you go straight to the worst-case scenario sometimes. “Gonna go get dressed,” you mumble quickly, retreating from the room still wrapped entirely in towels, as fast as your feet will carry you.

Tim sighs, wondering where he went wrong this morning. It had been going so well but Trina had continuously accused him of putting his foot in his mouth or being insensitive. He had been trying so hard with you and yet he can tell you’re upset. He looks in the mirror and shakes his head. “Don’t fuck this up.” He orders himself with a groan.

The warm Southern climate means swimming happens all the time, but it’s still October so you put on a light cardigan with your sundress and sandals and try to keep yourself from crying and making your eyes red before you leave the house. The last thing you need is to show up to meet his kids and his mother with bloodshot eyes. “Don’t fuck this up,” you chastise yourself, opening the dresser drawer that holds your one swimsuit just to stare at it for a minute in loathing.

“Baby?” Tim had retreated downstairs once he had dressed, sure that you needed some time to yourself. “Are you ready?” Are you still coming?

“Yeah! One second!” Out of some kind of masochistic instinct, you grab your bathing suit and cram it into your tote bag when you snag it off your dresser and rush downstairs. Clothes, jewelry, make up, all of it is in place to try to make the most positive first impression possible. “Sorry, I—” You immediately focus on getting the food packed up into a reusable shopping bag. “I almost forgot to put on perfume. Stupid, right? After we just were talking about it?”

“That’s okay.” Tim approaches you slowly from behind and he gently takes hold of your waist. “You still smell great even without it.” He promises, leaning in and kissing your shoulder. Offering a silent apology.

“Do I look okay?” It’s silly to be worried. You’re a grown woman and he’s a grown man. But you’re terrified and determined not to fuck up again today.

“You look stunning.” He promises you. “If I hadn’t promised my mother that we would be there, I would keep you here and take you back upstairs to show you how pretty you look.”

“Okay.” Nodding twice, your head hangs between your shoulders for a second before you force yourself to straighten up and take the bag full of food from the counter. “Ready when you are.”

“Are you sure you want to go?” He asks, concerned that he is pushing too fast. It seems like you’re forcing yourself to go.

“Of course I’m sure.” The brightness in your voice isn’t entirely forced. You do want to go, you’re just terrified and self-conscious. And from the look on his face, he knows something is wrong. “I’m just—” Your eyes drop and so do your shoulders. “I’m worried what they’ll think of me, that’s all.”

“Baby.” He shakes his head and sighs softly, happy that he can reassure you. “They are going to love you.” He promises. “Probably love you more than me.”

“They loved Trina.” You’ve seen plenty of his pictures of his ex-wife. Their wedding pictures, especially, and even how skinny she managed to get back to being after having their twins. She’s stunning, and successful, and smart. And you’re a dumpy little nobody who sits behind a desk and definitely never goes to the gym. “I’m not like her. At all.”

“That’s a good thing.” He promises, chuckling at how ridiculous it would be to date someone like his ex.

You let out a half-laugh, huffing at yourself, and shake your head slightly. It sounds so stupid to say it out loud, but here you are in the middle of your kitchen about to break apart at the seams over a first meeting. “She—she’s prettier than me.” In every sense, in your opinion. But especially, she’s skinnier.

Tim frowns and vehemently shakes his head. “That is not true.” He argues. “And it doesn’t matter how pretty she is, she is my ex-wife.” He reminds you. “She left me. Took my kids from me.”

“Right.” Blinking back the impending tears that will ruin your makeup and the mood, you nod your head and take a steadying, if shaky, breath. “Right. I know that. I’m sorry. I’m just—I’m being stupid.”

“You aren’t being stupid.” He huffs, hating how you belittle yourself. You are kind and generous to everyone but yourself. “It is just nerves, right? This is a big step and I’m sure I’ll be shitting myself when I meet your folks.”

“It’s nerves.” You agree, nodding again and resisting the urge to press on your closed eyes to stop the water behind them. It would smudge the eye makeup you put on so carefully. All waterproof, ironically. But not touched-with-hands proof. “I just don’t—” It is stupid, and a part of you knows that. The part that pays fucking attention in therapy every other week. “I don’t want you to finally realize you’ve been dating a cow if I put on my swimsuit,” you admit quietly.

“A cow?” He growls the comment in surprise, rearing back and wondering where the hell that idea came from. “Who the fuck called you a cow?” He demands, furious and ready to punch someone if they’ve insulted you like that.

“Nobody had to.” Your sister. Your grade school bully. The woman at the department store. A girl at camp. A boy you had a crush on in high school. Your parents. Nobody. Everybody. “I’m just a little anxious. It’s fine. I just won’t have any caffeine the rest of the day and it won’t get worse. Please don’t be upset?”

Tim shakes his head and he reaches up to cup your cheeks. “Baby, put your bag down.” He orders you softly. He doesn’t want to leave this house until he’s truly talked to you, and if that means being late, then he will be late. “Please?”

It only takes a moment of silence between you before you swallow your protest and set your purse and the bag of food back on the counter. This is it. He’s going to dump you for being an idiot. At least you got to tell him you love him before that happened, right?

He guides you over to the chair and sits you down, kneeling in front of it and holding onto your hands. “Baby, I don’t know why you are so hard on yourself.” He starts softly. “But I want you to know how I see you.” He knows self-image is just that, your image of your own self, he can’t change your mind for you. “I see you right now, and you are gorgeous.” He nods, smiling as he looks at you. “Generous, pillowy curves that make my mouth water and my cock ache.” Licking his lips, he continues. “I love the way you feel, the way you taste. I love your heart, your kindness. Your thoughtfulness. Your patience.” He stresses. “You are beautiful, inside and out and I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You say cow, I say stunning, voluptuous goddess that I love.”

“I know that the voice in my head that says these things is intentionally hurting me.” Holding onto his hands like a lifeline, you end up squeezing his fingers in yours. “I’ve been in therapy for enough years to know that. It’s a skewed perspective. But there really are sometimes that I cannot shut it off. It’s like a train going off the tracks,” you explain, hoping he can follow the line of what you’re saying. “I can see the disaster ten feet ahead of me, but it’s too late to stop it. I know I’m going to go headfirst into the worst kind of hating myself, but I can’t stop it from happening.”

“I know what you mean.” He does. He’s seen the department shrink enough times to understand that. It’s like when he blames himself for circumstances beyond his control. “I’m never going to tell you that you are stupid, or dumb for thinking that way.” He promises you. “But I am going to disagree with you, tell you that you are wrong. Because there isn’t one thing about you that I would change.”

"Really?" There's a second where you're too afraid to look up at him, but you can feel Tim's eyes on you and so you raise your head in some kind of silent moment of obedience and it makes you decide to crack a smile and go for a joke. "Not even my broken brain?"

“Not even that.” He smiles at you. “Because I love you, all of you. The good and the negative.” He squeezes your hands gently, “Love you, baby.”

"I love you, too." You lean over to kiss him, half in disbelief that he didn't ask for his key back and walk out your door. "Thank you. For...for listening. And not thinking I'm crazy for overreacting."

He chuckles and leans down to kiss your hand. “Baby, I think you are crazy for putting up with me, not for how you feel.”

"You're amazing, and it's never putting up with you. I love spending time with you." The sigh that comes out of you is deep and long, but you feel better. The weight on your shoulders has lifted, if only for now, and you manage an honest smile. "We should get going, baby. You don't get to see the twins that often and I don't want you to miss a minute of it today."

“Okay.” He waits another moment, searching your eyes and then he pats your thigh gently. “Let’s go. I can quickly change.”

It's a fast enough trip to stop by his apartment on your way to his mother's house, and once he's swapped his work clothes for a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, he slides back into the car beside you and you're off to the races again. At this rate you'll be no more than five minutes late, and that is nothing at all.

Driving the familiar route home, he points out places he used to go as a child and then a teenager. Sharing glimpses into his life. Holding his hand in yours as he pulls up to the two-story house that he had been raised in. “I'm right here with you.” He promises, kissing your hand again. “And they will love you.”

"As long as you love me, I'm okay." That's the pep talk you were giving yourself on the way over, and you're feeling a little more settled after the glimpses into his past. You didn't grow up around here so you can't do any such tour for yourself, but it's nice to see a slightly different side of the town you've lived in for years.

“Are you ready?” He asks after he cuts the engine, turning towards you slightly. “Or do you need a minute?”

"Let's do it." If you sit in the car and procrastinate you'll only give the negative thoughts time to come back, so you lean over to kiss him and buck yourself up. "I'm good, baby. I promise."

“You are always good.” He tells you with a wink before he climbs out of the car and hustles around to open your door for you. Taking the dishes you had protected on the way over so you can get out.

There is plenty of noise coming from the backyard of the beautiful little brick house, and the sound of splashing is already obvious along with music playing and people chatting at various volumes. This is definitely a family party, and it seems like the family is already here.

"Uncle Tim!" The call comes up from the pool first, as his nephew catches sight of him first and waves. "Holy shit! Y'all, Uncle Tim actually left his desk!" The teenager teases with a cackling laugh.

“Yeah, yeah.” Tim rolls his eyes in good fun as he waves back. His hand immediately goes back to the small of your back and he slowly guides you forward. “Come on baby, we’ll put up the food inside and then come back out.”

"Holy shit Uncle Tim brought a girl!" A teenage girl's voice calls after you, with as much excitement as shock, and you're in the middle of a fit of giggles when he opens the sliding door to let you into the kitchen from the back porch. "So that's your nephew and niece, huh?" You snort, smothering the sound with one hand even as you try to stop laughing.

“Brats.” He huffs, his sour look simply for show. “You would think I was a ball-less hermit.” He snorts, setting the travel bag for your dishes down and then opens the fridge to see if there’s room.

"Language." His mother's warning tone is playful from around the corner, but she still means it. Foul language stays outside, it doesn't come inside her house. "Timothy Alan, don't make me send you outside if you're going to be vulgar."

“Me?” He points at himself as he exclaims. “They are being vulgar. And I’m the one in trouble?” His question doesn’t stop him from immediately moving around the corner to engulf his mother in a hug. “Hey Ma.” He kisses her cheek and urges her to come into the kitchen. “I brought my girlfriend.”

"They're outside and I can't hear it," his mother teases, blissfully aware of her arbitrary rules and the fact that nobody is actually in any trouble whatsoever. "Honey." She reaches out both hands to you after giving Tim a hug. "He's been hiding you from me knowing I'm gonna steal you away to have a cooking friend again. It is so good to meet you, sweetheart."

"It's really nice to meet you too, Mrs. Rockford." Even as she envelopes you in the same tight hug that Tim got, you look over her shoulder to shoot Tim a surprised expression.

Suzanne Rockford is far from a petite woman. She is sturdy, hearty. Obviously heavier and he has never told you that, honestly believing that it didn’t matter, but now he wonders if he should have. Maybe you would have been less self-conscious if you had known. He shoots you a smile and a half shrug. “Where’s Vanessa?” He asks, looking around for his sister.

"Upstairs, looking for god knows what in the attic? Unless she’s found it already, and then who knows." Suzanne waves one hand and pays that no mind. "Did Tim offer you a drink yet honey?" She asks you, giving you her absolute full attention. "We've got a whole bar out on the back porch, and the fridge under the car port has beer and soda. But I keep the wine in here." Apparently that is a conspiratorial secret, because she waggles her eyebrows at you. "Whatever you want, I'll grab you a cup."

"I'll grab a soda when we go back out," you promise her, not wanting to start drinking too early in the day. According to Tim, his mother's parties are a strictly all-day affair.

“Ma, she brought an apple crisp and a noodle dish. Vegan, for Zara to enjoy.” He tells her, beaming proudly. “Where do you want me to put them?”

"In the fridge, honey. There's room on the bottom shelf." She looks just as proud as he does, and she reaches out to squeeze your hand. "She's doing well with it, you know," she nods authoritatively. "Talked to her doctor about making sure she gets protein and all her vitamins. Doing some really creative cooking, that one. Once she's got her mind set on something, that's it. It's do or die." Suzanne smirks. "Gets that from her Dad."

“I tried some of that vegan cheese.” Tim tells his mom, shuddering slightly. “The sliced stuff is shit, but the shredded stuff actually melts pretty good.”

“What matters is that you tried.” Suzanne nods approvingly. “Have you two gotten to say hi yet?”

“Not yet, we wanted to get the food put up.” He explains, coming back over to kiss his mom’s cheek again. “I’m looking forward to seeing them. Texting when we get a chance sucks.”

“Go introduce everybody,” she encourages, shooting a smile your way before shooing him off. “There’s things to snack on out there already. Lunch in an hour, or whenever Ricky gets that grill going.”

“Yes ma’am.” He chuckles, knowing that Ricky will fight with the grill for at least ten minutes. He moves over to you and takes your hand. “Let’s go see the kids, baby.”

You let him usher you back out into the bright, late morning sun, and for the first time you get a good look at the backyard in its entirety. There are a lot of people here — more than a dozen for sure — and you can hear another car honk as it pulls up in front of the house. The mood is pure happiness and even a tinge of nostalgia, as people greet each other who haven’t seen each other in ages. The air of absolutely everything is positive, and you take a deep breath to bring some of that into you as well.

Tim sees the first one that he wants to introduce you to. “Vanessa!” He half cups his mouth with one hand to shout his sister’s name. “Get your ass over here!”

"Hi to you, too!" His younger sister rolls her eyes and kisses the woman she was talking to on the cheek before hustling across the lawn. She has a beer in her hand and sunglasses on top of her curls, and she has the same stout and strong figure as their mother but with a little bit more grace in her movements.

He lets go of your hand only so he can wrap his arms around his sister and hug her tight. Making her squeal when he squeezes too tight. “How have you been? It’s been a month or so.”

“Yeah, you’ve been busy.” She raises both her eyebrows at you, waggling them for comedic effect, and then promptly nudges her brother away so she can shake your outstretched hand.

“Sorry if I’ve kept him away from you,” you apologize, not ever wanting her to think that you were intentionally keeping Tim away from his family.

“Are you kidding me?” She laughs, giving your hand a squeeze. “It’s fantastic. I’ve barely seen him sulk in months.”

“I don’t sulk.” His lips immediately form a pout as he glares at his sister. “I was gonna be happy to introduce you to my girlfriend, now you can fuck off.” Even though he says that, he immediately tells her your name before pointing at her. “This is Vanessa, the pain in my ass all my childhood.”

"It's really nice to meet you." He's told you a lot about his sister and you already knew she was a ball buster, but meeting her now feels like a relief. They're close and it's fun to see Tim relaxed like this with his family. "Believe it or not he's actually only told me great things about you."

“Oh, I’m sure.” Her tone is sarcastic and she’s rolling her eyes, but her grin gives her away as she transfers her attention from her brother to you. “I’m a hugger.” She warns you before she pulls you in for a less formal greeting than a handshake.

"It's okay, I am too." It's a far sweeter welcome than you expected to get, both from his mom and his sister, and you let yourself squeeze her back just for a second before letting go. "I'm just really excited to meet everyone."

“I was so excited that Tim told Mom he was bringing you.” She tells you with a smirk at her brother. “It’s been forever since he’s introduced us to someone, and she who shall not be named isn’t exactly ‘fun’.” She confides.

"Oh?" Having been under the impression that his family had liked his ex while they were together, you tilt your head curiously. "Well, uh...we figured it was time," you offer with a shrug. "It's been more than a few months, ya know? And...and things have been really good. Tim is just—" You glance back at him and end up grinning. "He's really amazing."

“He’s a good guy.” As much shit as she gives him, she would be the first to defend her brother and she knows he is much the same way. Siblings in the sense that she can tease him but she’ll kick anyone else’s ass who does. “And he talks about you a lot, so I think he likes you.”

"You talk about me?" Yes, sure, he told you he loves you less than two hours ago, but you still soften in surprise hearing that.

“Oh he doesn’t shut up about you.” She insists, smirking wickedly at Tim who looks very interested in the top of his foot in his flip flops. “Asking if he should take you here, talking about your job. I feel like I know you.” She pats your arm. “He told me he didn’t want to fuck this up.”

"Did he tell you about the fundraiser he let me drag him to?" He's blushing and it's the cutest thing you've ever seen, so if you maybe pick out something to talk about that will make his cheeks turn an even deeper shade of red then that's entirely on purpose.

“Nooooooo.” Vanessa lights up and is nearly about to bust for information. “My brother? At a fundraiser?” She sounds positively scandalized, as if she could never imagine such a thing.

"The nonprofit I work for has dinner dances and black-tie events during the year." You explain, feeling Tim shift self-consciously next to you in the grass even though he's smiling. "He's actually been to two of them now."

“You got my brother to wear something other than those horrible dress pants and button ups?” She gasps. “I swear the ties were from Christmas when the twins were four.”

“We rented him a tuxedo for one event.” The admission brings a dramatic sigh from Tim but you lean over to put your arm around his waist and smile broadly. “You look good no matter what, honey.” Did you climb him like a tree that night because he looked extra good in the tux? Absolutely. But he still looks delicious in his t-shirt and shorts.

“I should just buy one.” Tim grumbles. He hadn’t liked wearing it, although realistically, it wasn’t much different from a regular suit. And you had enjoyed him in it. The sex had been extremely hot once he had gotten you back to your place. “Since you want me to go to those things.”

Vanessa’s eyebrows raise at the offer, and she smirks mercilessly. Hearing her big brother make any kind of comment that trends toward commitment is practically worth celebrating. “Ya know,” She giggles evilly and takes a sip of her beer. “I hear that’s even the kind of shit guys get married in.”

Tim nearly chokes in his own tongue, wishing he had decided to take the crime scene call that had come over the radio on the way here. Even a blood bath would have been preferable to the way his sister is probing for information. He just said he loves you, if he starts talking about marriage, you might think he’s gone nuts.

“Oookay, maybe let’s not pick a topic that makes him want to implode?” You try to joke, squeezing his arm gently, and stifle a laugh. That’s exactly the kind of thing you would expect from a little sister but you don’t want Tim to think you’re crazy the way the idea may or may not have already crossed your mind in daydreams from time to time.

“Jesus, Ness.” Tim huffs. “First time you meet her and you’re picking out our wedding colors?” He rolls his eyes. “Booked the church already?”

“Mom did.” Vanessa laughs, and you can’t quite tell if she’s kidding or not as she blows Tim a kiss and scampers off to keep her husband from blowing the place up while he’s on the grill.

“Oh dear God.” He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I’ll—I’ll make sure Ma didn’t actually reserve the church.”

“Baby, baby—” You grab both of his hands and let a laugh burst through as you pull him closer. “She’s teasing. It’s okay. I’m sure your mom didn’t do anything like that and even if she did, who cares? It’s a funny story we’ll tell someone in the future.” Honestly? It makes you pretty fucking comfortable here knowing that his family is full of ball busters with good senses of humor. And that they’re okay enough with you to include you in those jokes.

“I wouldn’t put it past her.” He grumbles, although he’s leaning in to kiss your lips.

“Then it’s a really funny story we tell later on.” You promise him, happily taking that kiss that he offers you so easily. “I like that your sister is comfortable enough with me to tease.”

“They like you.” He points out with a grin. “Just like I told you they would.” He catches sight of the twins and lights up. “Come on, there they are.”

“This is going on the internet!” Tim’s twin girls are pulling out their phones as soon as they see their father, dramatically button smashing and pointing the devices at the two of you. “Red alert! Dad’s girlfriend is real! This is not a drill!”

“Hey!” Tim lunges forward, snatching for their phones playfully. “Don’t make me throw you in the pool!”

“You can’t.” They’re fraternal twins, and the taller one - Zara - reaches out to hug her dad first. “Your back couldn’t handle it if you tried.”

“I’d try.” He immediately wraps his arms around his firstborn daughter and hugs her tight to his chest. “Hey bug, how have you been?” He asks, kissing her head.

“I got a term paper kicking my ass, but I’m doing okay.” Zara shrugs. Her studies mean the world to her, next to her family, but she tries to stay realistic and avoid overreacting when school is difficult.

“She’s doing amazing, it’s annoying.” The slightly shorter of the twins has lighter hair and looks a bit more like their mother, but that hasn’t stopped Joey from growing up the opposite of Trina; well-adjusted and affectionate. “We need to ask you a favor, though,” she looks at both you and Tim seriously.

“What’s up?” Tim immediately frowns, sure that there is something wrong, something he needs to fix.

“We need you to throw Thanksgiving this year.” Both girls insist in unison, a habit leftover from childhood, before Joey continues to explain. “Gran said she wasn’t up to hosting on her own this year so Mom is trying to make us go to Derek’s parents’ house. But if we tell her you’re throwing Thanksgiving with your girlfriend we’ll be off the hook.” The idea that their grandmother doesn’t want to host anymore has been a bummer for everyone, but an even bigger bummer would be having to deal with their second step-dad’s snooty family.

“I—" he looks helpless towards you, hating that you’ve been put on the spot like this. Holidays haven’t even been discussed and he doesn’t know what you usually do. “Girls, look, even if—”

“No problem.” You cut in, knowing you might be overstepping a tiny bit but for the first favor you might be able to grant his kids, you’ll take that chance. “Even if your Dad gets tied up on a case, my house is big enough and I’m a pretty decent cook.” You do look to Zara though, knowing she can’t be too fond of the main event on Thanksgiving. “We’ll pick out some vegan things together, too.”

His oldest daughter immediately perks up at that idea. “Really?” She asks excitedly. “You wouldn’t mind? I know there’s like, a lot of negativity about vegans, some of them are real assholes.” She tells you. “But I just want to, you know, live pure. But I don’t blame people for eating meat, or if they can’t make me something.”

“I made a couple of things for today that are vegan, it’s really not a problem.” Her enthusiasm and her surprise at being accommodated just makes you want to reach out and hug her, but you look to her father instead. “Is this okay with you, hun? I mean my family’s Thanksgiving is clear across the country and it would be nice to…ya know…do something at home. Instead of being a pity invite at a coworker’s house.”

“What? Yeah.” He nods eagerly, both happy that the girls will be there and that you will be too. “Of course.” He looks over at the girls. “This year won’t be pizza because the turkey’s frozen.” He chuckles.

“Thank you.” Joey is the first to break the ice, reaching out to squeeze both of your shoulders. “Don’t get the wrong impression or anything, our Mom is great at some things, but hosting holidays is not one of them. Which is why it went to her mom for so long, and then whatever guy she’s married to, and—”

Zara practically elbows her sister in the ribs and smiles politely. “This is Joey,” she laughs, waving a hand at her sister. “She talks a lot when she’s nervous.”

“It’s okay.” With a wave of your own hand, you are offering both girls hugs if they want them. “I’m nervous, too. Your Dad loves the hell out of you girls and I’ve been really looking forward to meeting you.”

Zara and Joey both hug you, smiling happily while Tim looks on. He’s relieved that you seem to like the girls. And while it might be unusual that he’s just now introducing you to his twenty-year-old twins, he hadn’t wanted to force things too early. They had resented Derek’s intrusion into their lives when their mom had immediately started dating him, and he hadn’t wanted to make the same mistakes.

Getting to know Tim’s girls is fantastic. They’re good kids, smart as hell, and enthusiastic about their dad being happy again. So enthusiastic, in fact, that it’s easily an hour later when lunch is being announced that you manage to make your way back to his side after being stolen away. You’re at the food table with Zara while she scoops out a plate of your vegan peanut noodles when you give her a squeeze and tell her you’re going to go grab something to eat — and immediately drift away to Tim’s side as he brings over a plate of burgers and hot dogs to the other end of the table.

“Well hey there stranger,” you laugh, slipping one arm around his waist and sighing in relief at having the solid, comforting bulk of him back again.

“Hey.” He grins at you as he sets down the plate. “Sorry, had to rescue the day.” His brother-in-law had actually caught the grill on fire because he hadn’t cleaned it. Tim had taken over and been in charge of the food.

“My hero.” The grin on your face speaks volumes. “Some damn good kids you’ve got there, Rockford. They kept me well entertained, and we’ve got a whole menu worked out for Thanksgiving already.”

“Oh really?” He chuckles. “Has Zara convinced you to make me fry a Tofurkey?” He asks, knowing she might have tried.

“We’re going to do a dish of roasted cauliflower, mushrooms, and butternut squash to add to the table. She got excited about trying out a spice mix in them and said she’d love it for her main dish.” Hell, it sounded good to you as a meat eater, it didn’t surprise you that it sounded good to a vegan. “And she gave me some tips on using alternative milks and vegan butter in recipes so that more of the traditional dishes could be vegan friendly.” Honestly? None of it sounded difficult, and you’re thrilled to be able to do something for his kids. “No exaggeration. I’m looking forward to it.”

“That’s good.” The fact that you are accommodating his daughter is something that makes him fall a little more in love with you. Trina had complained bitterly when Zara had announced becoming vegan.

“I know you were worried when it came out of nowhere, but you don’t need to be.” In fact, after actually getting here and meeting everyone, you’re feeling more relaxed than you had thought possible. “And I—I just wanted to apologize for earlier,” you admit quietly. “Now that I know how nice everyone is, it…how I acted feels even more ridiculous.”

“So you don’t think that I’m going to realize anything more than I’m going home with a hot chick tonight?” He asks, leaning in and nudging his nose against yours.

"As long as you think so, that's all that matters." You don't have to see it, you remind yourself, as long as he does. What had your therapist said to you ages ago? 'You're just not your own type'.

“I absolutely think so.” He winks and leans back to leer at you. “Especially when you look that pretty in your sundress.”

"Oh yeah?" That look is all too familiar to you, and you bite back a grin. It's the same appraising look he had given you at the fundraiser before stealing you away from the party and back to his apartment, which was much closer to the venue than your house.

“Very pretty.” Tim grunts, moving behind you and pressing up against you at the table. “Good enough to eat.”

"Is that a promise?" He has that hungry look in his eyes that you can never resist and you try to school your expression into something innocent.

“Ah ah ahaaaaaa.” Vanessa tuts as she picks up a plate. “Not around the food.”

"Busted," you smirk, pulling Tim away from the table and heading toward the house as subtly as possible.

“You wanna?” Tim groans happily, his shuffled steps quickening behind you. He has zero qualms with having sex in this house, but he had expected you to demure.

“I always want you.” You murmur, practically rolling your eyes at him as you disappear into the house together. “Like absolutely always. It’s a constant state of existence, baby.”

“Yeah?” It surprises him how much you want him. Delights him, but surprises him. He watches you walk towards the stairs. “Last room on the left, baby.”

The upstairs hallway is littered with family photos of many generations, and you quickly look through them as you walk, until one makes you stop dead and “Aww!” out loud. Elementary age Tim in a little policeman’s uniform shares a double frame with a photo of the same man fifteen or twenty years later on the day he graduated from the Police Academy. “This might be the cutest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen,” you grin, pointing to the photos.

“Always knew I wanted to be a cop.” He feels his face burn and he shuffles slightly as he watches you examine the photos. “A little different now, don’t wear the uniform.”

“Nah, you don’t.” You grin up at him and hook your finger in his t-shirt to bring him down for a kiss. “I like the shoulder holster better anyway. Much sexier.”

“Sexier, huh?” He grins against your lips and leans in to press you against the wall. “Want me to wear it for you one day?”

“Maybe.” Your lips quirk against his in a way that absolutely means yes, and your hands wander up under his t-shirt to spread out over his muscles back. “Kinda curious how you would feel about interrogating me, actually…”

“Really?” He pulls back and arches a brow at you. “You want that? Maybe those handcuffs we were talking about? Giving you a pat down?”

The way you muffle a soft groan and briefly close your eyes should be plenty enough of a giveaway. “If I wasn’t wet before I certainly am now,” you grumble, enjoying the fantasy playing yet again in your mind.

“You concealing a weapon?” He asks gruffly, even though he is smiling. He won’t really roleplay with you right now, but you seem to love the idea.

“Maybe…” You can’t help but giggle, taking his hand that isn’t braced on the wall above your head and guiding it under the skirt of your sundress. “Guess you’re gonna have to find out.”

All he can feel is generous, warm flesh. Making him groan and his cock twitches against your hip. “When did you take your panties off?”

“I snuck inside about ten minutes ago.” Your soft little grin turns wicked. “I think I have a domesticity kink, cause I was enjoying watching you at the grill.”

“I’ll grill every night if you stop wearing panties.” He promises with a groan. “My sexy girl.”

“You wanna add another notch to that bedpost, baby?” The two of you are about three feet from the door to his childhood room and it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to get caught fucking in the hallway. Just for basic courtesy’s sake.

“Only notch that counts.” He promises, pulling away from you to drag you into the bedroom.

______

Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @haylzcyon @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 @iceclaw101 @loveslide @elegantduckturtle @becsworld @julesonrecord @its-nebuleuse @itsrubberbisquit

My Masterlist!

#Pedro Pascal #Pedro Pascal character fanfiction #Pedro Pascal fanfic #Tim Rockford #Tim Rockford x reader #Tim Rockford x you #Tim Rockford x female reader #Tim Rockford x f!reader #Detective Tim Rockford #fluff #plus size reader

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triptychgardener · 2 days

Note

i saw you mentioned that transfem!calliope was practically canon, could you maybe elaborate on that? (im not dissing your hcs btw im just confused on where its suggested in canon)

Hey so it took me a while to get to this just because I wanted to solidify some thoughts about it! Won't go into as much detail wrt my other posts, but we can at the very least start with her handle: uranianUmbra

Uranian is an old-fashioned term, generally used for gay men, though also used in different ways to describe other-gendered people or ways of being, occasionally used as a catch-all similar to how Queer is used today. Its history is complicated and occasionally uncomfortable, as a lot of queer history can be, but notably, one potential root of this idea came from Urning

Now obviously conceptions of gender and sexuality were a lot different then, and I don't want to simplify this, but in Homestuck, it's pretty undeniable that Calliope is a woman stuck in a man's body, and this is likely why Hussie used that very specific word in the first place: to foreshadow the eventual Cherubian Twist.

And not that framing: a woman trapped in a man's body. Cherubs (at least as we are told) have two equal halves who can predominate. But the framing of their entire dynamic makes it very clear that this is Caliborn's body, not Calliope.

Callie's ideal self, in Callie Ohpeee, her Trollsona, is positioned as something to be taken off to reveal her true self. She feels that she needs to conform her exterior to match her interior self, something Caliborn never has to do.

Hell, even as she goes to sleep for the last time, she removes her jacket to reveal Caliborn's shirt underneath. It's his body, not hers.

Not only that, but throughout the story, we see that Callie experiences something close to either dysphoria or body dysmorphia. She hates the way she looks, and affects an especially sweet demeanor in order to not scare people away. She sees herself as a monster because her body becomes the most hideous masculine monster the story has ever known! Literally Lord English.

And shockingly, even though it (in my opinion) handles it poorly, the Epilogues do give us a brief insight into cherub gender, where it basically illuminates that Aranea was kind of talking out of her ass about cherub reproduction, and that Cherubs have no actual biological sex or gender. Meaning that somewhere along the way, Caliborn and Calliope CHOSE their genders, likely influenced by the human and troll internet they were permitted. Callie perhaps forming her own gender in opposition to her brother. This also probably created the ouroboros through which gender became a thing in the first place but thats besides the point. Point is, Callie was likely not a woman until she chose to be a woman. I.e. transgender.

Now the epilogues took it in what I find to be a kind of boring direction, i.e. "well cherubs have no real biological sex so that means I have to be nonbinary now" which is just such a lukewarm take on the imposition of gender but whatever. Point is that Callie is transgender end of story goodnight!!!!!

#asks #anon

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leighsartworks216 · 7 months

Text

Second Baldur's Gate 3 Masterlist

Y'ALL I ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY LINKS ON THE FIRST MASTERLIST ASDBHASD

Main Masterlist

First Baldur's Gate 3 Masterlist

AO3

BG3 Discord

Request Rules

Tag List Form

Astarion

On Purpose - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: self-doubt, references to manipulation, self-deprecation, references to dissociation, dissociation mention, hurt/comfort

To Be Warm And Comfy - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: self-deprecation, low self worth

Je Te Laisserai Des Mots - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: none

A Spawn Could Get Used To This - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: embarrassment

No Alarms and No Surprises, Please - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: mentions of murder, tense moments, injury, burning flesh, bruises, bones breaking, blood mention, nausea mention, angst, literal hurt/comfort, soft Astarion moments

I Can't Get Enough Of You - AO3 - Astarion x fem!Tav/Reader

SMUT Warnings: vaginal fingering, swearing, references to past sexual abuse (vague), alcohol mention, blood drinking mention

Moon Blood - AO3 - Astarion x gn/fem!Tav/Reader (can be read by any gender period haver I just didn't know what to tag it as)

Warnings: blood, blood drinking, period fic, references to sex, swearing

Butterfly's Repose - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: nightmares, crying, references to past abuse, low self-worth, hurt/comfort

Darlin' I'd Wait For You - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: none

Say Something Loving - AO3 - Astarion x male!Tav/Reader

Warnings: manipulation, references to sex, low self-worth, swearing

Feel Good - AO3 - Astarion x transmasc!Tav/Reader x Gale Dekarios

Warnings: mentions of chest scars, insecurity, mentions/references to dysphoria, crying, implied sexual antics at the end

My Dearest Prince - AO3 - Astarion x male!Tav/Reader

Warnings: arranged marriage, marriage proposal, secret relationship, brief smut, light hurt/comfort, idk how royalty works

Just A Trim - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: scissors, brief references to low self-worth, anxiety, pure fluff

Follow You Down - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: fear of death, blood, mentions of death/dead bodies, religion, anxiety, fear, being trapped, crying, swearing, angst, hurt/little comfort, possibly OOC

Brown Eyes - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: swearing, slight sexual implications

Somethin' Stupid (Songfic) - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: alcohol, referenced alcohol consumption, mentions of manipulation, slight hurt/comfort

Pretty, Perfect Skin - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

SMUT Warnings: swearing, biting, blood drinking mention, hair pulling

Nuptial Bed - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

SMUT Warnings: swearing, explicit smut, blood, blood drinking

Fem and Masc versions on AO3

Not Tonight. Not To You. Never Again. - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader (can be read as platonic)

DEALS WITH HEAVY THEMES Warnings: drugging, references to sexual assault, swearing, blood, murder, slight protective Astarion, no actual assault happens, hurt/comfort

Good Boy - AO3 - Astarion x transmasc!Tav/Reader x Gale Dekarios

SMUT Warnings: oral (w vagina), threesome, top Astarion, bottom Gale, praise kink, hair pulling, slight scent kink, some nipple play, mentions of top surgery scars

You Are Mine. Never Forget It. - AO3 - Ascended Astarion x gn!Spawn!Tav/Reader

SPICY Warnings: ascended Astarion, dom/sub, obedience/controlling, blood, blood drinking

The Sleeper VS The Insomniac - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: none

Your Rogue - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: swearing, Karen, so many italics

Where Can I Touch You? - AO3 - Astarion x gn!plus-size!Tav/Reader

SMUT Warnings: swearing, body and self-worth issues, some discussion of boundaries, oral (Tav receiving), hair pulling, masturbation

Migraine Pains - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: migraine descriptions, pain, light angst if you squint, swearing, OOC Shadowheart

The Burlesque Boutique - AO3 - Astarion x Tav/Reader

SMUT Warnings: explicit smut, crying, orgasm denial, swearing, one reference to past trauma, pegging

Male/masc/AMAB version

GN/Fem version (strap-on)

Safety - AO3 - Astarion & nb!OC

Warnings: references to past abuse, nightmares, swearing, panic, blood

Love Sick - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: references to Astarion's 200 years under Cazador

A Couple Hours - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: nudity, bathing together, very slight angst

This Is Nice - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: references to Astarion's time under Cazador

Live For Me - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST

Remedies - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: pain, crying

Morning Adoration - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: sex mention, talk about how you smell (/pos)

Insolent Little Brat - AO3 - Ascended!Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: blood, choking, biting, spicy, (unhealthy) power dynamics

Obedient Pet - AO3 - Astarion x male!Tav/Reader

SMUT Warnings: swearing, dacryphilia/crying, dom/sub, collars, gagging, not being able to breathe (for a moment), anal sex, face-fucking, references to punishment

Tell Me More (Tomorrow) - AO3 - Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

Warnings: none

Wyll Ravengard

Horn Care - AO3 - Wyll x male!OC

Warnings: mentions of alcohol and food, possibly OOC

Cure Wounds - AO3 - Wyll x male!OC

SMUT Warnings: swearing, scratching, marking each other (hickeys), bruises, brief mention of battle scars, anal fingering and sex, possibly OOC

Dragon Slayer - AO3 - Wyll x male!OC

Warnings: swearing, crying, hurt/comfort, descriptions of violence

Dominate Person - AO3 - Wyll x male!OC

DEALS WITH HEAVY THEMES Warnings: swearing, blood, gore, violence, possession, mentions of vomiting, minor religious reference, grief, character death, broken bones (nose)

A Decent Man - AO3 - Wyll x AFAB!Tav/Reader

Warnings: period fic, blood, menstruation, anxiety, embarrassment

Halsin Silverbough

Endings and Beginnings - AO3 - Father-figure!Halsin & gn!OC

DEALS WITH HEAVY THEMES Warnings: references to past abuse, depression, self-destructive behaviors, crying, animal death, hurt/comfort

Haarlep

Little Mouse - AO3 - Haarlep x Tav/Reader + Raphael

DEALS WITH HEAVY THEMES Warnings: implied non-con, rough sex, vaginal or anal sex, blood

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ghoultrifle · 5 months

Text

There's a First Time For Everything Chapter 3 - Pleasure As It Was Intended

WC: 5k

Previously on FTFE: Dewdrop wants to try penetration. He has a few toys in mind but struggles to get the courage to buy them, fearing it will invalidate his gender. With Rain's support, he finally purchases the toys.

Summary: The toys arrive and Dewdrop gets to work, after a quick hyping up from Swiss

Notes: I am incredibly proud of this chapter and hope you all like it as much as I do. It's my first time writing porn with feelings so please hype me up :')

CWs: Sexual content, toys, gender dysphoria

And a big thanks to @v-ternus for being my sounding board <3

Read below the cut or on AO3

Dewdrop hears a knock, a brief rap on his bedroom door. He glances at the clock that sits crooked above his desk, mail time, he thinks. Peering through the peephole he can see Special walking away, making his way through the ghoul dorms, stopping occasionally to drop a parcel.

A small, nondescript box sits outside Dewdrop’s door. Imposing, menacing. It’s been carelessly thrown to the ground, evidenced by the rugged angle it sits at. He’s… angry. Angry that it’s been treated with such disregard; the contents of what must be assumed by Special to be another bong, or perhaps a new outfit, merely chucked outside his door like it has no significance to the fire ghoul.

The parcel quickly finds its way inside Dew’s room as he removes it from the doorstep with the same care as one might handle a bomb. He treats it like it’s a feral cat, holding it by the scruff of its neck lest it bite him. Inside the box, as far as Dewdrop’s concerned, are the items that determine if he’s worthy as a ghoul. That if they don’t end up inside him by the end of the day, he’ll be a failure.

Dewdrop decides he won’t let it get on top of him, he can’t afford to, doesn’t quite trust himself to sit alone all day with the parcel. So he throws himself into his duties. A couple of hours with Mount helping him re-pot his ever-growing plants. Lunch with Cirrus, Dewdrop laying in her lap as they watch some shitty reality show.

He spends the afternoon with Swiss, supposedly for band practice, but that never happens when it’s just the two of them scheduled. Sure, they do some practise but it’s mostly Dew dicking around with his guitar as Swiss vocalises with the disjointed sounds. They’ve been at it for a few hours when Dewdrop’s mind fades back to the parcel, still unwrapped, waiting for him on his bed.

“Howdoyouusesextoys?” Dewdrop blurts out.

Swiss isn’t sure he heard right, there’s no way Dewdrop doesn’t have a kinky treasure trove full of toys. “Woah woah slow down cowboy! What did you say?”

He’s met with another mumbled string of sounds that vaguely sounds like it mentions toys. It’s Dewdrop’s demeanour that leaves Swiss worried, though. The ghoul that minutes ago he was having to wrestle the guitar off as he played some shitty meme song, now taking shaky, uneven breaths and avoiding eye contact like Swiss is Medusa.

“Hey, droplet, I’m not teasing you, I just need to hear what you said… I can’t help you if I don’t know what you want,” Dewdrop opens his eyes, tries to take deep breaths. But deep breaths don’t help when it feels like he’s suffocating. He feels a grounding palm smooth over his stubble, sees those big golden eyes shining back with nothing but love for him, he remembers why he chose Swiss.

He inhales, looking away briefly to ask, “Bought sex toys for Rain to use on me. Dunno what to expect, I guess. Thought you might know,” the room is still as both ghouls take in what Dewdrop just said, before he remembers to clarify, “They’re uh internal toys like dildos ‘n vibrators ‘n shit. I’ve never put anything up there before, figured a whore like you would’ve though,” he chuckles, trying to lighten the mood as Swiss stares on in a mixture of confusion and offence.

“Ohh I see, come to the resident slut for advice? Well you’ve come to the right place. Whatcha worried about? We both know Rain’s been around, it’s not like he doesn’t know what to do.”

“No, I know Rain’s gonna be fine with it, it’s me that’s worried. What if it feels weird or if it hurts or if I like it so much I detransition?”

“What if?” Swiss poses, something Dewdrop hadn’t considered, what if? “You and I know full well Rain won’t do anything if you’re not enjoying it.”

“Swiss!” Dewdrop groans in frustration, dragging out the ‘s’ at the end of his name, “I just wanna, you know,” he motions vaguely at nothing with his hands, “get some pointers, some tips?”

“Well you’re right, they do have tips!” They both laugh at Swiss’ poor attempt at humour, “I do faintly remember the first time I used a dildo, if you wanna know about that?” he asks. It’s becoming clearer that Dewdrop just wants assurance that it’s going to be alright, even though he knows in his heart that it will be. The multi ghoul receives a sheepish nod in return.

“Alright, well I was on my own so all I had was ‘ol faithful to warm me up, get me nice and open,” he smirks, doing jazz hands showcasing his thick fingers, “I really took my time getting myself nice and wet. I was pre-T so there wasn’t much to get hold of but I did the best I could, really stroking myself until I was basically leaking. Then I just lubed Glenda up and put her in, wasn't much resistance. I played aroun-”

“Hold up, your dildo’s named Glenda?!”

Swiss scoffs, “What about it? I’m not the one that’s too scared to put Glenda in my pussy,” it’s all in good humour, they both know it. And hearing about Swiss talk so honestly about it has put Dewdrop at ease. He feels like he can laugh now, like he can breathe again, deep breaths full of all life has to offer. “Anyway, I played around with the angles until it hit that fucking dynamite spot, you’ll know it when you hit it,” Swiss promises, a smile creeping across his face as he reminisces, “and the rest was history. A lil bit of thrusting here and some stroking there and I came so hard I cried,” he deadpans, as if he’s not recounting a story of him masturbating.

“Seriously, spitfire, you’ll love it, I’m sure,” and it’s all Dewdrop can do to pray to Satan below that Swiss is right.

Dinner runs without a hitch, Dewdrop eats a respectable amount for a guy so nervous about his imminent gut-rearranging. And more importantly, he thinks he’s managed to keep it a secret, Rain still doesn’t know the toys have arrived. The water ghoul is living in blissful ignorance to the sweet, tender sex that will follow their usual post-dinner makeout session. That for the first time, Dewdrop will be an active recipient of pleasure, and he’ll enjoy it; at least that’s what he hopes.

It starts as it does most nights, Rain playing footsie with Dewdrop, sliding his scaly foot up and down the fire ghoul’s shin, making those dumb heart eyes at him. Dewdrop swears if Rain was a cartoon, his eyes would spend half the time booming out from their sockets in adoration for his mate, it’s endearing really. Following their adolescent flirting, Rain excuses the pair of them from the already emptying table; if the way Aurora looks at Cumulus is anything to go by, they’re not the only ones with evening plans.

They get as far as the dorm corridor before Dewdrop boxes Rain against the cold, stone wall. The taller ghoul freezes, a forward move from Dewdrop. He can’t quite bring himself to move when Dew begins to mouth at his neck, angling for Rain to bend down and kiss him. Instead he basks in the heat on his jaw as Dewdrop sinks his teeth into Rain’s pale flesh. He moans and the vibrations in his throat only further encourage the shorter ghoul.

“What’s gotten into you, spitfire? Normally you can at least wait until we’re back at yours,” Rain asks as he brings a hand down to knead at Dewdrop’s barely-there ass.

Between sucking and bruising the ghoul’s neck, Dewdrop speaks up, “Hyping myself up.”

“For…?”

“Toys,” Dewdrop whispers, seductive yet laced with a tinge of worry.

Before leaving that morning, Dewdrop had the foresight to at least unpackage and clean the toys, even he was smart enough to know that cleaning toys is a real mood killer, especially for a ghoul already on edge about the whole thing. If there was anything that Dewdrop could prepare for in advance, he was going to do it.

So, laying bare to the world on his bedside table were the toys, sitting proud. Rain didn’t notice them immediately, too focused on the fire ghoul attached to his neck, trying to manoeuvre them into Dewdrop’s room without either of them tripping or stepping on each other. They catch his eye as his mate backs him up towards the bed until his knees give, ungracefully stumbling onto the mattress. Hurried hands fly between them to undress each other. Dewdrop’s fingers filled with nervous energy, struggling with his jeans and Rain, the ever helpful boyfriend gently undoing the button and sliding them down, taking in Dewdrop’s form, just a binder and boxer briefs now. “Fuck he’s handsome,” Rain thinks, verbalising his thoughts to the grinning ghoul above him.

“Wanna use ‘em on me? Was thinking get the dildo out the way tonight?”

“Fuck can’t wait baby, gonna make you feel so good. How do you want to do this?”

Dewdrop answers with a gentle push to Rain’s shoulders, settling him down in the middle of the bed before shedding his underwear and climbing atop the water ghoul, back to chest. The weight of Dewdrop is really nothing to complain about, spread over Rain’s body, it’s barely uncomfortable, more of a weighted blanket if he had to compare it. Besides, if it’s what his droplet wants, he’ll be damned if he doesn’t give him exactly that.

With him, Dewdrop brings the toys, laying them carefully by Rain’s hip alongside a bottle of lube. Once settled, he takes a moment. What for, he isn’t really sure. Maybe to calm himself down, but he feels an odd sense of relief, of readiness. He isn’t scared anymore. He wants it to happen, he’s excited even. Perhaps that’s why he’s slowed down, to appreciate and bask in the feeling.

As he lays on Rain, his golden hair resting perfectly on the water ghoul’s neck, Rain lifts his head up to meet Dewdrop’s scalp pressing long kisses into it. “So proud of you baby,” he whispers between them, hand idly thumbing the silicone toy by his side. Rain was truly happy with the idea that Dewdrop would never try penetration, he was content to live out their lives as they were. With that, he could sense Dewdrop’s hesitation, how he became disengaged during sex if Rain’s hand ever veered too low. But the way he acted didn’t seem to be fear, no, Dewdrop’s face would turn pensive, as if he were pondering what if? A poignant question the fire ghoul now knew the answer to. Well perhaps not the answer, but he’s certain he’s explored his feelings enough to know he wants it and he wants it now.

The binder still clinging to his chest is becoming uncomfortable at best with how Dewdrop’s sweating at Rain’s sweet words of encouragement and that familiar cold hand roaming his stomach. It’s itchy and riding up at the bottom but he doesn’t care, he’s too caught up in the moment, something he doesn’t think he’s ever experienced. To not be hyper aware of every sensation but instead to be dialled in on a specific feeling, it’s bliss.

Against him, Dewdrop can feel Rain pulsing, leaking onto the small tuft of hair at the small of his back. It feels odd, to be the one selflessly experiencing pleasure, Rain gladly putting aside his own needs in favour of pleasing his mate.

“My sweet baby boy, I can feel you leaking, may I?” Rain asks, bringing deft fingers to Dewdrop’s entrance, hovering, waiting for permission. Dewdrop need only bring his hand over Rain’s before the water ghoul gently swipes over his folds, bringing his slick-soaked hand to his mouth. “Oh Dewdrop you taste divine. Thank you for sharing this part of you with me.”

It’s not even an attempt at dirty talk but it makes Dewdrop’s stomach jump nonetheless. He’s finally starting to believe Rain loves him as he is. While Rain is preoccupied salivating over the taste of the fire ghoul, Dewdrop flicks open the cap on the lube as he squirts a generous amount onto the head of the light purple toy

“Would you do the honour?” Dewdrop asks weakly, offering the slicked up toy to the water ghoul.

“Want to let you have this moment Dewdrop,” Rain replies, this is Dewdrop’s journey, he’s just along for the ride. Dewdrop teases his entrance, letting the purple head get even wetter as he drags it along his folds, collecting slick as small whines escape his lips. It once again surprises him how at ease he feels. After years of turmoil, worrying that he’s faking it all, he’s never felt as sure of his identity as he does in this moment.

“Whenever you’re ready droplet”, Rain coos, placing chaste kisses on Dewdrop’s neck. And with that Dew pushes in, slowly but steadily moving the toy until his hand lies flush with his skin. It’s an odd feeling, a completely new, foreign sensation but it doesn’t feel wrong. Far from it. It brings with it an overwhelming sense of familiarity too, an instinctual need. He knows exactly what to do. It’s not rocket science, Dewdrop knows this, but he’s still taken aback by just how easy it feels. It’s with that realisation he cautiously begins to pump the cock in and out of his dripping cunt.

As Dewdrop lay atop Rain, knees bent and feet planted on the mattress, the fire ghoul finds a respectable rhythm, butterflies in his stomach every time he thrusts the silicone deep inside him. He can’t believe he’s put it off for so long, denying himself divine pleasure. Filling the room along with the slick sounds of Dewdrop fucking himself are the sweet words of encouragement spilling from Rain’s lips like a burst dam.

“So proud of you, droplet, can hear just how much you like it.”

“That’s it, keep going, fuckkkk just like that.”

“Feel how hard you’re making me? Shit- that’s all you, spitfire. You and your insatiable body, such a good boy.”

The words imprint themselves on Dewdrop’s brain, burned in forever. Rain’s not telling him how pretty he is or groping his chest, he’s appreciating Dewdrop for exactly who he is, a man. And for once, he’s not jealous that Rain has a dick, doesn’t spite him for it. Because he, too, is experiencing pleasure and he got it all wrong, he doesn’t need a penis for that. Sure it would be nice but right now he feels pretty fucking incredible. Rain’s words have such an effect on Dewdrop that he’s becoming too worked up to keep a steady rhythm, the stimulation is too much to concentrate on keeping it going. He crooks his head back, asking silently, and Rain just knows what he wants.

The dildo changes hands, Rain now in charge of Dewdrop’s pleasure, entrusted with making the fire ghoul feel good, and boy does he deliver. Pressing pretty kisses to Dewdrop’s neck, his hand fumbles for the toy. The transition is near seamless and Dew melts. It felt good before but shit Rain knows what he’s doing, angling it just right to make Dewdrop cry out a choked moan- Swiss was right, Dew did know when he hit that spot. The spot that makes his stomach churn in the best way as he listens to the slick nosies and the sound of Rain’s skin slapping against his inner thigh as he pumps Dewdrop full.

He’s writhing on Rain’s tense body now, hips canting towards the stimulation, rocking into the water ghoul’s cock, smearing pre against the small of his back. Dewdrop can’t bring himself to care about the torture he must be inflicting upon his mate. He’s been so selfless all these years, he’s giving himself tonight to be completely selfish about his needs.

His orgasm starts to build and he vocalises, “Oh fuck I- I think I’m close fuck please don’t stop. Please. Keep going. Fuck. Rain. Ah. Keep-” Rain shushes him to give his permission. Not that Dewdrop needed it, but to let the fire ghoul know Rain’s not going anywhere.

“Lean into it darling, let go for me. Such a good boy, taking it so well. So proud of you, baby,” and with those words Dewdrop is clenching around the toy as his cunt spasms and he whines high and reedy, uncaring about pitching his voice lower, he doesn’t need to perform for anyone, not right now, anyway. Rain can feel Dewdrop’s release coating the toy in such copious amounts it’s running off and onto the water ghoul’s digits.

Dripping onto his balls, Rain can feel just how wet Dewdrop is as slick gushes out of his hole. Rain wants nothing more than to gather his boy’s slick and jack himself to an almighty climax, but not tonight. There’ll be plenty of nights for that to happen. Tonight is all about Dewdrop. Rain would truly be happy to never cum again if it meant Dewdrop could finally live in pleasure instead of pain. Rain’s had his good times, he’s lived his life; Dewdrop’s is only just starting.

Dewdrop’s still in a state of awe. He did it. He got off. On just internal stimulation. A feat he truly never believed he’d be able to do, despite his years-long curiosity about it (okay, the base of the dildo relentlessly hitting his clit might have been part of it, but still, it’s all connected, right?). As he comes down from the first high of the night, Rain babbles nothing but praise, eager for his love not to drop after such an intense high. He knows how easy it would be- post nut clarity is no joke and Dewdrop’s worked himself up about this so much, it wouldn’t take a lot for him to spiral. To feel that shame creeping up, enveloping him in a thick coat of inescapable humiliation at him, a man, enjoying being fucked like a woman. So Rain doesn’t let it happen, showering him with enough praise to make anyone blush, rocking his dick against Dewdrop every so often to remind him that he’s desirable.

Hair sticks to Dewdrop’s face as he pants, still overcome with euphoria from the intensity of his orgasm. He suddenly feels himself clenching around nothing, opening his eyes to see the toy in Rain’s hand. Fuck- it’s dripping in cum and oh Rain’s bringing it up towards them, past Dewdrop’s face and he’s moaning as he takes it hungrily in his mouth, to the hilt, moaning into it. “Wanted to test the theory it taste even sweeter after the event, my love,”

“And…?” Dewdrop probes.

“What do you think, droplet?” The water ghoul smirks, brining the toy to Dewdrop’s swollen lips, “See for yourself.”

A tentative tongue makes its way to the tip of the dildo giving an exploratory lick. It’s not nice per se but there’s something about being able to taste his own release that makes it that much nicer. Still, he’s not sure it tastes divine but perhaps Rain is really that in love with him.

“Ready for round two?” Dewdrop questioned, a grin adorning his blissed out face.

“Fuck- really? Anything for you, Dewdrop. How do you want it? Want me to pump you full again, or I could eat you out? Perhaps you-”

“-m not ready for you to touch me there yet I don’t think, sorry,” he blurts out and Rain’s heart sinks. Not at Dewdrop’s sentiment but that he feels sorry for it.

“My spitfire, that’s more than okay. You don’t ever have to be ready, this is already more than I ever imagined we’d do together. Satan, I’m so lucky to have you. Want to try the vibe instead?”

And just like that, Dewdrop’s inspecting the vibrator, hands travelling over the plane of the toy, feeling the ridges before testing the mechanism. Slowly twisting the dial at the bottom, wondering if it’s broken until- buzz. It’s intense, the blood being drained from his fingers as the toy throbs in his hand.

“Easy, Dewbug, we’ll start off slow and build up to that. Trust me, I know what I’m doing,” and Dewdrop does trust him. It’s finally sinking in that Rain truly does have Dewdrop’s best interests at heart.

Dewdrop spreads his legs once more, cool air hitting his clit despite it being almost hidden beneath his curls. He clenches on instinct, cringing when he feels another glob of his release make its way to the pool collecting on Rain’s lithe body. It surprises him. He doesn’t feel disgust or shame at his body’s response to the fucking incredible action of Rain’s hand, he feels proud he was able to cum for Rain, to be a good boy.

“Fuck baby, still leaking, huh? So good for me,” Rain whispers.

With that, Dewdrop hears the familiar rumble of the vibrator. A sleek, black thing, phallic in size but not in aesthetic. The mechanical whir fills the room, though it’s not as overbearing as when Dewdrop cranked the dial all the way, it’s a more subtle hum.

Rain hesitates, bringing a hand up to rest on Dewdrop’s stomach, “Droplet, can I touch you?” he asks.

“You just fucked me silly with a dildo, of course you can do it with the vibe,” Dewdrop replies, enamoured by his mate but slightly confused nonetheless.

“I mean- your uhm chest, Dewdrop. Want to feel your heart beat as I take you apart.”

He ponders, the purr of the motor a backdrop to his thoughts. It’s not like Rain would see his chest, or even really feel it, hidden behind the thick wall of his binder. And thinking about it, even if he did, Dewdrop’s not sure he’d mind. Rain’s carved out their time together as a place for Dewdrop to truly be himself. The offer has always been there to not bind, to raise his voice back to its natural pitch, Rain made it unequivocally clear that he doesn’t mind. But Dewdrop always has, until now.

A small nod accompanied with a hushed yes is all Rain needs to start. After years of spending almost every waking moment together, Rain knows when his mate is being sincere. Enthusiastic consent is the only consent is a great general rule but their connection goes deeper. The non-verbal signs, the way Dewdrop’s breathing steadies when he feels safe and his eyes search for Rain’s to ground himself. The way his eyes scrunch and his lips curl up almost imperceptibly when he’s around Rain. It’s not apprehension, it’s nervous excitement about experiencing yet another new sensation, even if it is through the plate of his binder. And Dewdrop knows Rain would never go further than he wants, not without explicitly asking. So he lies there safe in the knowledge that creeping fingers won’t find their way under the hem of his binder, but will freely roam atop it, mapping out Dewdrop’s contours.

Whimpers accompany Rain’s renewed movement, vibrator making feather light touches to Dewdrop’s dick as his other hand plants itself over the fire ghoul’s chest, the wide span covering him almost entirely. It’s like being jacked off by The Flash, the plastic beating down on his clit with an unrelenting pace while Rain keeps his hand steady, letting the toy do all the work. Moans fill the room as Dewdrop squirms atop Rain.

“Does it feel good, baby? Yeah? Keep making those noises for me, fuck.”

All the apprehension, the years of turmoil, only for Dewdrop to be a whimpering, writhing mess within an hour of getting his (and Rain’s) hands on himself. It’s funny really, in hindsight. And he’s glad he can finally indulge himself in these fantasies, that his mind allows him to enjoy himself.

With that thought, Rain’s deft hand cranks the dial, the buzz turning to a roar as the vibrator near shakes under Rain’s digits. Bringing it back down to Dewdrop’s clit, the fire ghoul shouts, “Oh fuck Rainy- shit- I- awgh- so much- I,” he’s trembling under Rain’s touch, hips bucking into the vibe, desperate to get off on the stimulation that’s both far too much and not enough.

The hand on Dewdrop’s chest begins to roam, firm touches tracing his body, committing it to memory. The first time of many, Rain’s sure, if the wanton moans leaving Dewdrop’s lips are any measure to go by. His hands brush over the light smattering of hair on Dew’s stomach and Satan below Rain wants to worship Dewdrop’s body forever, remind him each and every time just how fucking hot he is. It would be an endless back and forth of Rain smothering him in compliments and Dewdrop not believing a word. But perhaps with enough time, he’d come around.

Rain’s hands continue their ministrations as the squirming ghoul above him becomes louder with each circle of the vibrator around his dick. The water ghoul is just about to check in when Dewdrop interrupts him, “Close! Ah- shit- I’m about to cum- please- don’t stop- just like th- ahh fuck,” he hisses. It only spurs Rain on, increasing the pressure and finally turning the vibe up to the maximum intensity. Drawing circles around his clit, occasionally dipping below to gather Dewdrop’s pre and cum from his first orgasm. The slick noises that fill the room, combined with the insane amount of stimulation Dewdrop’s receiving, have him spilling almost instantly with a cry, “-m cumming, fuck Rainy thankyouthankyouthankyou fucking ahh.”

A minute passes, at most, before Rain is turning down the dial and smoothing his hand over Dewdrop’s binder, fixing it’s twisted state on his chest. Sure that his mate is finally satiated, now is definitely the time to make sure his mental state doesn’t drop in that post-orgasm haze. Cum-drunk is the best way to describe Dew, a wide smile on his face, eyes barely open, and chest heaving as he recovers from one of, if not the most, intense orgasms of his life.

“How are you feeling, droplet? You were so good, took it all so well.”

“I feel… like I want to go again. Want you to fill me up, fuck, that was so hot. I think I said it a moment ago but thank you for indulging me Rainy, there’s no one I’d rather pump me with a toy,” he finishes with a kiss blown to his mate.

Rain giggles at Dew’s sentiment, ever the romantic, “Maybe not tonight, sweetheart, already gone stiff, not sure I could guide you through another orgasm. And wouldn’t want you getting greedy, hmm?” He jokes.

Stiff, Dewdrop thinks, shifting in place to confirm his suspicion, shit he’s still hard. “Wait, don’t you want to get off? Only feels right after what you gave me.”

“I’ll be fine, handsome, there’s always tomorrow.”

An idea worms its way inside Dewdrop’s mind, “We could use the vibe, could jack you off, make you fuck my fist?”

And how could Rain so no to his puppy-eyed boyfriend and his incredulously horny suggestion. Dewdrop sits up, kneeling over Rain’s legs. Vibrator in hand, he starts it up and closes his fist around Rain’s weeping cock. Rain shudders at the sensation, at finally having something more than the friction against the small of Dewdrop’s back. It’s intense, the fire ghoul wasting no time in jacking the vibe up to the maximum setting, hell bent on just getting Rain off, and he isn’t complaining. “Oh Dewdrop I love you so much, fuck- don’t know what I’d do without you in my life- ahhh keep going, ‘m already close,”

“Aww baby, can’t keep going just a little longer? No? I don’t blame you, the show I put on was fucking hot, wasn’t it?”

All Rain can do is nod fervently in response to Dewdrop’s questions. His ruddy head sliding through the fire ghoul’s slick hand, sliding up against the hard plastic of the vibrator. The mix of hot and cold drives him crazy as he utters more confessions of love to his mate. It’s not like it’s the first time he’s said it, but it feels so much more real, knowing he’s seen this vulnerable side of Dewdrop. The smaller ghoul always feared that if he let this side of himself be seen, he’d be left, upset and alone for eternity. Seeing that Rain still loves him after tonight, well fuck if that doesn’t encourage him to make Rain scream his name.

“Wanna hear you,” he mutters.

“Oh yeah, baby? What do you want to hear? You’re being such a good boy for me, gonna bust all over your hand.”

“Want you to say my name,” Dewdrop says, unsure if it’s a question or a statement, but Rain knows exactly what to do.

Dewdrop braces himself on Rain’s chest and the heat of his palm pushes Rain over the edge, “Oh Dew, fuck you treat me so well my Dewdrop, I fucking love you, don’t you ever forget it,” he cries out to anyone who could be listening, and he’s sure there are people getting their fix on the sounds emanating from the room. Dewdrop keeps his hand steady as ever, watching Rain’s cock spurt thick white ropes, seemingly endlessly, twitching as the water ghoul cants his hips with an ever waning intensity.

“Fuck, I love you too, Rain.”

And Dewdrop means it with no hesitation. He’s not sure any other person could have made tonight as incredible as Rain has. He’ll never understand what he did for Satan to reward him like this, but he doesn’t need to know, just having Rain is enough.

#trifle writes #the band ghost #nameless ghouls #the band ghost fanfiction #dewdrop ghoul #rain ghoul #trans ghouls #raindrop #cw dysphoria #spicy tag

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wangxianficfinder · 4 months

Text

In the mood for...

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1. Hi could you please suggest some

A) Omega Wei wuxian alpha lwj fanfics?

B) And fox wwx dragon lwj with good plot too @lostsoul234

1A)

A/B/O Comp

🧡 shoot your shot -- hot or knot by defractum (nyargles) (E, 51k, WangXian, Modern AU, A/B/O Dynamics, Reality Show, Hunger Games Setting, Canon-Typical Violence, Extremely Dubious Consent, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Humor, Additional Warnings In Author's Notes) (link in #6) would probably work?

@archeaologies said: re your latest 'im in the mood for' post, 1b (foxxian and dragonji fics): ive been slowly putting together a massive rec list on my sideblog (@lansyuan) of exactly this au - its currently sat in my drafts but if op wants to pm me on my sideblog then i can link them all the fics ive collected so far! 🥰

Shape-shifter AU Comp

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2. I was wondering if yall wouldn't mind reccing any favorite Chengxian canon Era fics? @dragonfairies

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3. Itmf for wangxian post canon where WWX is threatened to sacrifice himself for LWJ. It can be any case fiction with an interesting villain making their life hard. @paraffin22

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4. Hello, thank you for all your wonderful recommendations! Itmf LXC takes care of WWX

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5. Itmf omega WWX presenting for lwj

#2 in this fic finder might have a few you would enjoy

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6. Itmf wangxian survival fics, like wilderness or cold, etc

and from our own/live to ourselves by betweentheheavesofstorm (M, 105k, wangxian, modern, fantasy, reality tv, angst w/ happy ending, survival, blood & gore, self-harm, animal death, slow burn) this might count?

The Edge of Night by Hobbsy3 (M, 277k, WangXian, XuanLi, Modern AU, Zombie Apocalypse, Yúnmèng Siblings Dynamics, Accidental Baby Acquisition During a Zombie Apocalypse, Junior Quartet, (except they’re all babies), Angst with a Happy Ending, Minor Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Gore, Ensemble Cast, Worst Zombie Fighting Team Ever, Found Family)

In The Dark Right Now by phnelt (T, 10k, wangxian, JC & LWJ, WWX & JC, graphic depictions of injuries, trapped in a cave, Near Death Experience, fatalistic thinking, established wangxian, Family Feels, mention of unnamed illness of an offscreen character, Nobody dies in this fic, Modern Setting, JC and WWX are caved in and LWJ talks to them through the radio, Hurt/Comfort)

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7. itmf (self indulgent) wwx appreciation fic. have a good day.

Simping over WWX is my fave hobby Series by brrrrrRawr (T, 10k, WangXian, WWX's original body, Fluff, Pet Name,s Blushing, No Smut, Genius WWX, yunmeng bros reconciliation, endgame lotus pier, big bro wwx rights, also dad wwx rights, BAMF WWX, Bad Writing, Body Dysphoria So OOC, world building, cliff diving, corpse wrestling, OOC, Canon Divergence, god WWX, god WN, god WQ, child JL, teenager MXY, xuanli get resurrected, rip nmj tho, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, BAMF WWX, BAMF WN, BAMF WQ)

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8. papa-zhan fics please! a-yuan/sizhui calling him dad, a-die, baba, whatever. canon world or modern anything, just some baba lan wangji softness.

🧡 Yiling Salon: Hair, Nails and Piercing by TriviasFolly (T, 22k, WangXian, Modern AU, hairstylist AU, WWX owns a salon, Hairstylist WWX, 5+1 Things, Fluff, Experimental Style)

🧡 paint smears on sunny days by SnowshadowAO3 (E, 53k, WangXian, Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Everyone Is Alive, Modern AU, Dadji, Mutual Pining, Happy Ending, Brief Alcohol Mention, Masturbation, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Accidentally co-parenting with your son's art teacher, Fatherhood)

When You Wake, 怎能当梦一场 by acertainrogue (T, 39k, WangXian, WWX is in a coma, Angst with a Happy Ending, Modern AU, Single Dad LWJ, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Parenthood, YZY's A+ Parenting, JFM's A+ parenting, wangxian family) mind the tags pls

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9. hello! it is me that animal-whisperer lwj fic anon! thank you for recommending that, it was such a good read..

would it be fine to ask more of that kind? i cannot seem to get enough of that trope.

🧡 A Study in Fluff by WeaverOfTheNight (T, 29k, WangXian, Modern AU, Ghost bunnies, Vet LWJ, Architect WWX, Kid LSZ, Domestic fluff, Modern with Magic)

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10. This is more of a recommendation ask, does anyone know of any good canon compliant post last chapter fics? basically just more of lwj and wwx and the juniors etc just living their lives like the iron hook extra in the novels? Basically just any very canon post story stories people made i can’t get over the last chapter it was so cute with the lotuses and tipped boat help Sorry if that doesn’t really make sense THABK YOU TUMBLR!!!!!! @kaleajakic

🔒do not go gentle by RoseThorne (G, 684, WN & WQ, WN & WWX, LSZ & WQ, Canonical Character Death, Spirits, Ghosts, LWJ Plays Inquiry, Song: Inquiry, Protectiveness, Grief/Mourning, Love, Acceptance, Family, Angst, Post-Canon, POV Third Person, POV WN)

A More Practical Approach by Elhana (T,9k, WangXian, Canon Compliant Teacher WWX, Humour, POV Multiple, Implied Sexual Content, WWX is resourceful, wuxia magic shenanigans, Based on a Tumblr Post, Post-Canon)

It takes courage to pet a dog. by nenufares (T, 10k, WangXian, Post-Canon, a bit of canon-typical violence, past animal abandonment, Dogs, Fluff and Humor, Mild Hurt/Comfort) I'm not sure if they really count but they are post canon and I enjoyed reading them!

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11. itmf fic where wwx is cultivating the ghostly path like in the novel. i'd like recs for a cultivation that's more a compassion/empathy-based collaboration that results in the liberation of the resentful dead not an antihero necromancer forcing the dead to do his will for the greater good. thanks ❤️🩵

🔒 the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break by RoseThorne (E, 91k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Soulmates, Self-Esteem Issues, Fix-It, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, PTSD, Handfasting, Panic Attacks, Getting Together, First Time, Aftercare, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, /Referenced Torture, Scars, Chronic Pain, Golden Core Reveal, First Time, Switching, sex-related injury, LWJ Stays at the Burial Mounds, LSZ is a Wèi, Good Sibling JC, Dissociation, Burial Mounds Settlement Days)

A Life Without Regrets by naqaashi (M, 74k, wangxian, JFM & WWX, JC & WWX, WRH & WWX, LXC & LWJ, LQR & LWJ, LWJ & NHS, Canon Divergence, Time Travel Fix-It, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Crack Treated Seriously, musical cultivation, Slow Burn, Pining, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Murder Husbands, PTSD, BAMF WWX, Demonic Cultivation, POV WWX, Cultivation Sect Politics, Worldbuilding, No Yīn Iron, Genius WWX, Inventor WWX, Artist WWX, Musician WWX, Night Hunts, Fate & Destiny, Bad Parent JFM & YZY, Golden Core, Cultivation Theory, Sentient Burial Mounds, Father-Son Relationship, Dysfunctional Family, Grief/Mourning, Parent-Child Relationship, Angry WWX, Pining WWX, WWX is Not Okay, No Golden Core Transfer, BAMF LWJ, Pining LWJ, POV LWJ, Angry LWJ, One-Braincell Wangxian, Love Confessions, Idiots in Love, WIP)

Ad Oblivione by Baph, HikariNoHimeWriter (M, 70k, WangXian, Time Travel Fix-It, Temporary Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, POV Multiple, Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Identity Reveal, Golden Core Reveal, Cultivation World Critical, Not JC Friendly, Abusive YZY, Angst with a Happy Ending)

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12. Hi! I was just wondering if you have any good, longer fluff pieces. They can have plot, but in general everyone is happy and no one gets hurt (unless it’s jgs). I know canon makes it a bit more difficult, but if you have any recs, that would be great! I’m just looking for fluff, humor, and plot

Thank you!

how to fall in love with a catfish: a guide by wei wuxian (disaster rat) by bwyn, Yuisaki (T, 54k, WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, Actors, Multimedia, Online Friendship, Drunken Shenanigans, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Underage Drinking, Drinking Games, Families of Choice, Ensemble Cast, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn, Catfish AU) there's a bit of angst here

Meet Me Friday At Seven by craftyTrickster (luoxiaobai) (E, 128k, wangxian, modern, Fluff, Meet-Cute, Friends to Lovers, Blind Date, lots of texting, almost a chat fic, WC and WLJ aren’t evil but they are annoying, Kissing, Masturbation, Anal Sex, romantic sex, Bi WWX, bi nhs, Single Parent WWX, Slow Burn, Unreliable Narrator) just pure fluff

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13. Hi! I am looking for canon-divergent fics where people think WWX dies but he actually doesn’t? I then want a big reveal when people realize he is still alive/never actually died. Thank you so much!

ahhh I just sent in an itmf ask about WWX dying but not really? I meant to specify that I want him to be "dead" for a long period of time, not just a brief gimmick. Long enough that people mourn him or move on, and then he comes back years later like in canon. Thanks, and sorry for not putting this in the first ask!

🔒Brotherhood by LtLJ (G, 10k, JC & WWX, CQL canon, Canon Divergence, Yunmeng Brothers Reconciliation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, BAMF WWX, BAMF JC, breaks from canon during the time skip, YLLZ WWX)

WWX and JYL run away by shanastoryteller (WangXian, XuanLi, JYL and JZX lives, JYL and WWX raise JL and LSZ, Fake Character Death)

Something From Nothing by sami (E, 55k, WangXian, XianLi, Minor QingLi, XiCheng, Canonical Character Death, Canonical Character Resurrection, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon Divergence, Assassin's Creed Fusion, Kinda, Assassin's Creed Vibes, Wangxian is endgame, Slow Burn, specifically for wangxian, no infidelity, no partner betrayal, Angst with a Happy Ending) This has canon divergence and wwx being dead long enough for people to move on plus hey he's alive reveal but not exactly the way requester described

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14. hii! I'm sorry to bother you! i was hoping you could rec me some dark lwj, or dark gusu lan fics? them being more manipulative or possessive? thank you so much in advance<3

A Matter of Time by mrcformoso (M, 40k, wangxian, time travel fix-it, graphic depictions of violence, underage, LWJ pov, JC pov, dark LWJ, manipulation, grooming, teen body adult mind for LWJ, happy ending for wangxian, problematic consensual underage sex, blood & violence, insane LWJ, manic LWJ)

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15. hello!!! hehe would just like to ask if you have any fics where lsz is referenced as the lan heir? thank you! 💕

anyway, here's wuji by kakikaeru (T, 18k, ZhuiYi, WangXian, LingZhen, Post-Canon)

❤️ A Civil Combpaign by Ariaste (M, 12k, zhuiling, wangxian, arranged marriage, combs, courting, awkward teenagers, teenage drama, humor, feelings, fluff)

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16. Heyy ! I am in the mood for your favourite nightmares fic (Wangxian if possible). Thxx ! @sebyyw

#FreePalestine | hold me close by gentil-minou (Flyingsuits) (E, 13k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Porn with Feelings, Emotional Sex, Grief, Mental Health Issues, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, tender husbands being tender, Character Study, Masturbation, Oral Sex ,Anal Sex, Working Through Grief With Sex, Grieving Your Husband While Fucking Him, Depressed LWJ) I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for but lwj has a nightmare in one scene in my fic here

hunters seeking solid ground by Attila (E, 23k, wangxian, Canon Compliant, discussion of canon character death, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, bed sharing, Getting Together, Yearning, Literal Sleeping Together, Really Excessive Amounts of Hurt/Comfort)

Feathers On My Breath by Sweetlittlevampire (T, 3k, wangxian, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Teen Crush, Pre-Relationship, Panic Attacks, LWJ Has A Panic Attack, Nightmare, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Past Character Death, Mentions of Dying Linked To The Panic Attack, Sharing a Bed)

a needle, a whisper, an insidious dream by pale_and_tragic (M, 19k, wangxian, WWX & WQ & LWJ, post-canon, fix-it of sorts, case fic, horror elements, nightmares, hallucinations, pining, hurt LWJ, aroace WQ, platonic relationships, suicidal thoughts, angst w/ happy ending, hurt/comfort, sleeping beauty)

~*~

17. Me again, back to pester you all w/ an ITMF ask! Thank you so much for all you do! I have read (and re-read) An Elegant Solution and also Things to Do with a Flute During Wartime, and they have put me in the mood for NMJ-centric stories where he is a fully robust, complex, interesting character. Any ship is okay, and modern AUs welcome, but pref. no MCD. <;3 @kimboo-york

🔒 Audience of One by WinterDreams (T, 181k, XiCheng, WangXian, XuanLi, mentioned SongXiao, implied MingYao, Modern AU, Celebrities, Inspired by 10 Things I Hate About You (1999), Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Singer LXC, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Swearing, Slow Burn, Family Feels, Family Bonding, childhood crushes, past emotional abuse, Post-Betrayal, Venerated Triad Feels, Yunmeng Duo Feels, Nightmares, Fluff and Angst, hand holding, Babysitter Ā-Qìng, Domestic Fluff, Soft XiCheng, Eventual Happy Ending)

🔒 shades of grey spill from my veins (bleeding ink all over the page) by Reverie (cl410) (M, 58k, LXC/NMJ, wangxian, NHS/WN, POV NMJ, Canon Divergence, WWX raised by the Nie Sec, Mentions of WWX's life on the streets, Hurt/Comfort, Accidental Sibling Acquisition, Single Dad NMJ, NHS & WWX Friendship, Fluff, Humor, Happy Ending, Everyone Lives AU, Protective NMJ, a plot showed up, Sunshot Campaign, Some angst, Blood and Injury, Kidnapping, Protective Siblings, Found Family) more canon

found in translation by sysrae (E, 12k, LXC/NMJ, wangxian, Modern Cultivation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, my extremely justified hatred of LQR, Meddling brothers, Coming Out, Loss of Virginity, Under-negotiated Kink, slight breathplay, Light Dom/sub, Aftercare, Angst with a Happy Ending) a modern AU

~*~

If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***

#wangxian #mdzs #wangxian fic recs #i'm in the mood for a fic #the untamed #wangxian fic search #wangxianficfinder #long post

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atimeofyourlife · 10 months

Text

No blood in the water

written for @steddiemicrofic prompt: pool wc: 442 | rated: t | cw: mentions of menstruation, implied gender dysphoria | tags: trans Steve, coming out

Steve watched from the edge as Robin, Eddie, and the kids made the most of the pool. They were playing, shouting, and just generally having a good time. After everything, and over two years of avoiding it, he was taking every chance to make happy memories in his pool again. Even if it meant dealing with seven rowdy kids on almost every nice day of the summer.

He had been slowly building up to getting back in the pool, from the pool chairs, to the edge of the pool with his feet in the water, to getting into the pool, to finally being able to spend time swimming again. But this time, no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t force himself into the pool, only sitting on the edge. He hadn’t even changed into swimming trunks, instead choosing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

It was one of those days he hated his body, where everything felt like a betrayal. He couldn’t go shirtless, because it felt like the scars under his pecs were too obvious about what they really were. Swimming trunks were also a bit of a no-go, because they would cling and show off everything that he didn’t have. They weren’t even an option, because he needed to wear briefs for somewhere to stick a fucking pad. Because his period had made a surprise appearance that morning, and he was out of tampons.

He was incredibly anxious about anyone finding out. Robin was the only one he’d willingly told, in a bathroom floor conversation a week after Starcourt. Dustin had found out by accident when he overheard Steve awkwardly having to ask Claudia if she had any pads or tampons he could use when he’d started unexpectedly during a dinner with them. Everyone else had no clue, and he wanted to keep it that way, terrified of what would happen if anyone else found out. Especially Eddie, who he’d flirted with, and made out with a few times, but never going further than light touches.

He managed to avoid the pestering of everyone to get in, but Mike’s words cut deep.

“You’re acting like Nancy when she’s on her period.”

Steve gave a thin excuse to go inside, feeling like he’d had a bucket of water thrown over him.

“Stevie?” Eddie followed him in. “Don’t listen to Mike, he’s being an asshole.”

“But what if it’s true?” Steve burst out. “What if I am on my period? What if I’m transsexual?”

“That’s why you’re not swimming?” Eddie kissed Steve’s neck. “I’d say you’re still the prettiest boy I know. Just something new I know about you.”

#steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #steddie fic #trans steve harrington #transmasc steve harrington #steddiemicrofic #steddiemicroficjuly #pre steddie #steve harrington x eddie munson #steve x eddie #stranger things #atimeofyourwrites #as I am posting this it's like 2am and I started this after midnight so if its not great thats my excuse #and ive had a migraine since like 6pm which doesnt help #but i checked it like 4 times so i know it hits the wc

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bunnyreaper · 8 months

Note

shy fingies

im having a really bad dysphoria day

if possible can i have some trans masc reader/141 comfort? no pressure, im just havin a hard day bc i have medical issues that make a medical transition unsafe and my dysphoria is kicking my asssss

hi!! no need for shy fingies! the dysphoria has been coming too for me lately, so im sending my love your way!! if this sucks im sorry in advance!! ;__;

tf141 x trans male! reader, platonic. brief mentions of transphobia, protective!141, reader users a binder.

It had been a shitty day all round, and things only continued to get worse.

The day had started with forcing yourself into the shower, in the pitch black darkness, because you just couldn't face it with the light on. Your chest felt tighter than usual, and your skin just felt distinctly not like home.

When you'd made your way into the canteen for breakfast, the new recruits were staring again, clearly talking about you amongst themselves as they snickered and judged and whispered words and phrases you really never wanted to hear.

Your only salvation was that you were ending this shitty day with a movie night with your task force.

"Lad!" Soap calls out to you as you enter the rec room with a bag of snacks in hand. "It's yer lucky day, you get ta pick the movie."

Soap pats the couch beside him as Ghost, Gaz, and the Captain offer their usual smiles.

"Uh, I'm not too fussed, you can pick." You offer Soap a forced, tight smile as you try your hardest to get comfortable, despite the constriction at your chest. Today it felt a little worse than usual.

Gaz lets out a groan, as Ghost's eyes narrow. "He picked last week."

Offering a shrug, you remember you need to grab a drink before you get too settled into the plush of the couch. When you approach the kitchenette, you notice Price beside you.

"Everything alright, son?" He asks, his hand clasping down on your shoulder as he offers a soothing smile. "Not yourself tonight."

Son. As the youngest in the taskforce, Price's sweet and affirming nickname for you makes your heart soar.

You struggle to meet his eye as you mumble your response--a clear lie. "I'm fine, just tired."

Your captain doesn't seem convinced in the slightest, as he remains by your side as you move round the kitchenette.

"Can always talk to me, you know that? Or any of the boys?"

"I know." You sigh, knowing they'd be supportive even if they never can quite understand.

Another body comes closer, joining in the concern party that Price is throwing. It's Gaz, the same look of worry plastered over his face.

"Something happened?" He asks.

"No." You snap, just a little too quickly, and the entire room falls silent with Soap and Ghost's conversation ending as they turn their attention to you. "Oh god, can you all stop staring at me?!"

Gaz's hand replaces Price's on your shoulder as he tries to soothe you. "Talk to us, c'mon."

Ghost and Soap join you all in the kitchen, and the pressure of them all worrying about you is almost too much to handle. They all look so worried, so protective--though you'd long come to accept that it was mostly because you're the baby of the team.

"The new recruits were talking shit about me behind my back, you know, that kind of shit." You sigh, staring at the floor and wishing it would swallow you whole.

The atmosphere of the room changes in an instant.

"I want names, now." Price's words are a demand laced with anger, though not a shred of it directed at you.

"Captain..." You call out, as Price is already halfway to the door ready to pull the recruits out of bed and give them the dressing down of a lifetime.

Soap shakes his head. "Easier if you just tell him, lad." Soap's eyes are kind and soft as he considers you, though you know that he will have some choice words for them too next time he's training them. You almost pity them.

You mutter out the names of the ones you had recognised, and try not to flinch as Price nods and slams the door behind him as he leaves.

"How long have you had your binder on for?" Ghost asks, his gaze severe with concern.

"Uh... since 6am."

He sighs, in his 'not mad, just disappointed' older brother way. "Did you take a break at lunch like you're supposed to?"

You give him a sarcastic look, and cross your arms over yourself defensively. "It'll be fine, promise."

The door swings open, Soap coming back into the room with Gaz in tow, and you hadn't even realised they have left in the first place.

Soap holds out a massive bundle of black fabric, while Gaz has a silky garment in his hands.

"Biggest hoodie of mine I could find, lad, and a fresh compression shirt." Soap explains, as passes the clothes to you. "Binder off, yeah? Then we'll get under the blanket and turn off the lights."

"And you still have to pick the movie." Gaz smiles.

You nod in compliance before you head to the bathroom to get changed--freeing yourself from the binder and quickly covering yourself with Gaz's shirt and Soap's hoodie. While your chest still aches just a little, the unease you expect doesn't come on as strong as you expected.

Maybe it's the sense that you get to go back into that room with a group of guys who accept you for who you are and have never made you feel lesser.

When you get back to the rec room, Price has returned, and the room is cast in darkness. The Captain gives you a nod, but offers no further comment--which means he won't be addressing it tonight.

You get comfortable on the couch between Soap and Ghost, and try to ignore the groans as you make suggestion after suggestion that they all hate, and you eventually settle on something all of you have seen before.

You snuggle under the blanket with Soap, and feel euphoric when Ghost wordlessly accepts your toes wiggling under his thigh. Every once in a while, you'll meet the eyes of your captain and see his fond gaze, or Gaz will look to you when there's something funny so he can see if you're laughing too.

Right there, on that couch, you feel at home with your brothers, with yourself.

#call of duty fanfiction #call of duty x reader #trans male reader #tf 141 x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #john soap mactavish x reader #kyle gaz garrick x reader #captain john price x reader #ive never written trans male reader before so if this sucks im sorry #as an enby/fluid/??? indivudal i cant say i have the right experience but i hope this is okay!!

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qveerthe0ry · 2 months

Text

Lions Ain't the Kind - Part Two

Summary: You and Frankie can't get each other off your minds'. He asks you on a third date. It's a success. Word Count: 5,741 Pairing: Frankie Morales x NB/Gender-fluid! AFAB! Reader Rating: 18+ Explicit Warnings: 18+ mdni, subby!Frankie, soft dom!reader, a few brief mentions of alcohol, talks about gender non-conformity, talks about gender dysphoria as it relates to sex, amab terminology for afab genitalia, kissing, making out, oral (afab receiving), dirty talk, premature ejaculation, Frankie has a praise kink, no use of y/n, no physical descriptions of reader A/N: Special shoutout to @for-a-longlongtime and @perotovar for letting me bother them about this part while I was writing, love you both dearly <3

Frankie calls you later that night.

You helped him clean up after, popped some popcorn, and rewound the movie. He snuggled sleepily into your side; the orgasm apparently settled his nerves from before. You both joked about how not-so-great the movie was over a few beers, and then you sent him off with a buttery goodnight kiss.

But your phone rings as you’re settling into bed for the night, and you think maybe something is wrong, like his car broke down, or he left something at your place.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. I just made it home.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, no, everything’s fine. I just— I wanted to thank you.”

You laugh. Sweet boy, calling to thank you for getting him off.

“Was it that good?” You joke.

“No— I mean yes, yes it was. That’s not what I meant though. I’ve never been… Well, you know, I’m not so good at this stuff. And I’ve never felt like… this. And I like it. And I like you. So… thank you.”

Your face burns at his words, at the thought you could give this man something he needs, this man that you’re quickly developing a habit for.

“That’s sweet, Frankie. I like you too. A lot.”

You hear him huff through your tinny phone speakers and in a moment of pure weakness you wish you would’ve asked him to stay over.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, yes. I really do.”

He laughs, and you can imagine it in your head, what his dimple looks like, the way his curls would look as he shakes his head.

“That’s awesome.”

——

Frankie’s a busy guy, you come to find out. He works fairly long hours at his mechanic shop, and he has custody of his daughter every other week, and he also attends community events, he calls them, every Wednesday.

Your business is relegated to the eight hours a day you spend in your office, and maybe a few hours here or there when you need to take work home with you.

And you’re not blaming Frankie for it, but the distance makes you want him so much more. He texts you all day long, staggered back and forth when you both have the time. He’ll call you some nights, when his daughter goes to bed early, just to talk about your days. But it isn’t enough.

It’s not enough because you can’t stop thinking about how he looks in your lap, and how desperate his sounds are, and how his skin feels under your palms.

It’s driving you mad, replaying that night over and over and craving even more from him.

It really isn’t just about the sex, though, either. You find yourself thinking of him at the grocery store, wondering if he likes the scent of your favorite deodorant or if you should pick something new. You see an old Ford Ranger as you’re driving to work and wonder if Frankie’s inside. You find a new show on Netflix to watch but pause it after the first five minutes because you think Frankie would like to watch it too, with you.

And Frankie’s just as bad, if not worse off than you are.

His days are long and busy but occupied with thoughts of you, even as he’s changing brake pads and tinkering elbow-deep in the hood of another car.

When he picks up his daughter from school and asks how her day was, he sends off a quick text to ask you about your day, too.

And after he gets her to bed, and finishes laundry and the dishes and brushing his teeth, he crawls under the covers only to feel like his queen sized mattress is way too big, way too empty.

That’s when he texts you, Saturday night, heart beating just a bit too fast and feeling a tad heavier than normal.

I miss you. Are you free tomorrow?

I miss you too, sweet boy. I’ve got nothing going on all day.

Can I pick you up for brunch after I drop off the kiddo? Around noon?

Sounds perfect, can’t wait 😘

And he hardly sleeps because of the anticipation, wondering if this whole thing has just been a fluke. One whole week of not seeing you has his insecurities skyrocketing, despite the texts and phone calls.

The clock on his bedside table reads 5:36am and he can’t for the life of him tamper down the feelings to fall back to sleep. So he trims up his facial hair, and showers for longer than he usually likes to. He makes a big breakfast for his daughter, and dresses in his nicest jeans and a collared shirt while she giggles at some Sunday morning cartoon.

It isn’t until he’s halfway to her mom’s house that he realizes he’s a dead giveaway. He winces when she answers the door with her eyebrow raised, greeting cut-off halfway through.

“Are you going to church now?”

He laughs and rolls his eyes as she waves him into the foyer.

“Not quite. I think church usually starts earlier than noon, though.”

“So… court?”

“Oh my god, is it that unbelievable that I have a date?”

“At noon?”

“Brunch date,” he shrugs, shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

“You haven’t dated since we broke up.”

He shrugs again, and can feel the heat beginning to rise to his cheeks.

“Is this new? Where’d you guys meet?”

He huffs at the interrogation, though he knows there’s no malice behind it.

“Um… Tinder… couple weeks ago now.”

An amused look spreads across his ex’s face, and he wants to die.

“Interesting. You’ve met in person, then?”

“Yeah, twice already. Last week.”

“Well, sounds like it’s going good then, yeah?”

He takes a deep breath in, and nods, and then shrugs.

“I hope so. Like… I really hope so.”

Her face softens, and she smiles a sweet smile that lets him know he looks even more vulnerable than he feels, which must be a feat.

“Then I hope so, too.”

——

When Frankie knocks on your door a little past 12, he surprises you. Gone is that apprehensive look you’ve grown so used to seeing on him. Instead, he’s beaming, a precious and pearly smile splitting his face when you open the door.

“Hey,” he says, slightly out of breath, like he may have ran up the stairs at a less than leisurely pace.

“Hey, smiley.”

He huffs when you tease him, but his smile doesn’t falter.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. Looks good on you.”

Everything looks good on him, actually. His shirt hugs his chest and his tummy, and his jeans are sucked tight to his thighs, and his hair is that perfect mess of haphazard curls that makes your fingers tingle with the urge to touch.

“You ready to go?”

He shifts in his spot on your doorway, and you bite your lip as you admire the view.

“Not yet.”

His mouth opens to respond, but the words don’t get a chance to leave his lips because you’re pressing your own to them.

Warm, soft, minty.

His hand finds your waist and yours cups his neatly groomed jaw, and the simple touches make the wires in your system short-circuit.

Simmer down, you remind yourself, you have to at least get through brunch.

His smile is still wide when you pull apart, softer now, but no less giddy. He gives you a once-over, taking in one of your favorite outfits you picked out of your closet just for today.

“You’re gorgeous,” he whispers.

“So are you.”

He shrugs, and you let your hand fall from his face to rest on his collar, and then farther down, where his top button lays open to reveal his smooth chest.

“Brunch?”

He squeezes your hip when he asks, and you try and fail to hold back a heaved sigh at the prospect of having to be decent in public with this man.

“Yep. Brunch.”

He chuckles, kisses the corner of your mouth as soft as ever.

“Back here for dessert?”

It shocks you, but it delights you.

“Francisco, you dirty dog.”

He backs away with his hands up as you make your way outside, letting you lock up.

“I’m just trying to ask for what I want,” he mumbles.

He looks sheepish when you turn back to face him, but also proud. You think he should be.

“I know. You’re being a very good boy for me.”

You smirk all the way to his truck at the way he tugs at his collar and clears his throat, and how his hand feels sweaty in yours.

——

He takes you to brunch by the river, a place you’ve heard about but you’ve never been to. He’s really sweet, opening doors for you and asking if the table on the patio is alright and turning his entire attention toward you while you wait for your food to come.

Though you’re both quite handsy, linking your calves together under the table and playing with each others’ fingers on top of it, you really don’t want to go home by the time the check comes.

He pays this time, of course, and when you’re standing up to leave you suggest taking a walk along the river. His enthusiasm for your suggestion makes your insides feel all sticky and hot, that you’re both on the same page, that even something so little can excite him like it does you.

The thing is, you don’t do this often. Okay, maybe you’ve had many dates that end up exactly like this, walking off a meal and chatting. But it’s very very rare that you get to do it with someone you click with, someone who gets you, someone who makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.

Frankie does just that, has since day one when you spent hours talking on that godforsaken dating app. And especially now, as he slinks one arm through the loop of your own and uses the other to caress where your sleeve rides up your bicep. His body is warm where it presses into you, only adding to that fuzzy feeling from the couple of mimosas you drank with brunch.

And when you turn to face him, the happy look on his face is everything. You get tripped up in the sunlight glistening in his brown eyes, the hints of ochre sparkling as his head shifts, before you determine you need to tell him.

“I like the way I feel with you,” you say earnestly, though the champagne has surely given you a bit of a push.

“What way is that?”

His pace slows on the little pebbled pathway, like he really doesn’t want to miss what you say next.

“Like I can just… turn my brain off and be.”

He chuckles, squeezes your arm.

“I feel the same. Like I don’t have to pretend to impress you or anything. Like I don’t need to impress you.”

You hum as you let the words sink in, and lean a little heavier into him as you walk.

“You do impress me though,” you tell him.

His breath hitches, you can feel it where he’s pressing into you from chest to hip.

“You impress me too. I uh— I think you’re probably the most impressive person I’ve ever met.”

“Weren’t you like, in the military?”

He laughs, then, full, you can feel it shaking his tummy against your arm.

“That doesn’t really count. Besides, my military buddies’ skills are limited to the field. I don’t think between the three of them they have more than a handful of civilian brain cells.”

“Harsh,” you laugh, pinching his side between your knuckles.

“I say it with love, of course. They’re good guys, you’d like ‘em. In a way you might like an annoying sibling.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’d like you to meet them sometime. Maybe soon. If you’d feel comfortable.”

You don’t know much about this infamous group of guys Frankie’s bonded to, just that they’re his only real friends, and that they’ve all been through a lot. Another gooey feeling spreads through your guts at his proposal.

“I’d like that. Sometime soon.”

It does worry you a bit. You don’t know much about the military, but you’re aware of the stereotypes. Surely if Frankie’s friends with them, then they aren’t bad guys.

Frankie must see the fleck of apprehension in you,

Because he stops walking and releases your arm so he can face you squarely.

“I’m out to them. They’re cool with it. Pope— Santiago— he’s queer too. We’ve been to pride together, all of us. No bad vibes.”

You wonder if they’ve ever met someone like you. You wonder if Frankie’s told them about you yet. You wonder a lot of things in such a tiny amount of time that you sway a bit on your feet and Frankie reaches out to steady you.

“Shit— Are you okay??”

“I’m fine,” you’re quick to assure him, “just… I dunno. What if they don’t like me?”

Frankie scoffs.

“There’s no way they won’t like you. You’re you, you’re kind and funny and smart. What’s not to like?”

“Are you purposefully ignoring the elephant in the room?”

It isn’t heated, the way you ask it, but you’re genuinely curious. Is he beating around the bush, or is he naive, or is it really not a big deal to him?

“Cariño, it’s not an elephant. It’s a— I dunno. A neat… plant,” he shrugs.

You squint at him, and tilt your head at his explanation.

“You know what I mean? An elephant in a room is a giant pain in the ass. It’s much more like a cool plant. Maybe one some people aren’t familiar with, but it’s not— you’re not an elephant, is my point.”

You stare at him for a beat longer than you mean to, but once your giggle involuntarily bubbles up out of you, Frankie’s serious face is cracking into a goofy smile.

“You’re cute,” you tell him, “Jesus Christ.”

Your laughter mellows, and Frankie looks sheepish at your compliments, but he grabs you by the elbows anyway, leans in close to you so that you can smell the way the sun warms his curls and his skin.

“I mean it though,” he says, “I like you. Exactly how you are. The guys will too.”

Your eyes dart around to your surroundings as Frankie’s lips find your temple, then your cheek, then the corner of your mouth. Without anyone ogling, you shift your head just that much more to let his lips press against yours.

He hums, leaning harder into you, pulling you closer with his hands at your back. You melt, pliant and lax in his arms, until he huffs and pulls away.

“Frankie,” you whisper.

“Yeah?”

“I want you to take me home.”

His pupils grow comically large at your request, and this time he’s wobbling on weary legs.

“Anything you want, mi planta.”

Your walk back to his truck is… brisk. You’re not sure who’s leading who by the time

Frankie unlocks the doors, both too giggly to really worry about it. He kisses you breathless across the center console before he turns the key in the ignition, and you roll the flavor of him around in your mouth while he pulls out into traffic.

Frankie’s promise of ‘I like you exactly the way you are’ is rattling around in your head like a pinball in a faulty machine. You’re not sure he can even say that. If he even knows you exactly the way you are. It’s been two dates and a handful of weeks texting back and forth.

Granted, one of those dates had him shaking and crumbling on top of you, but still. He told you he’s never met someone like you. He said that, and now you have to pull the ‘Ol Talk out of your dusty little hat and you aren’t sure how he’s going to react. He’s given you no reason to believe it’ll be negative, but still. Sometimes it just makes you uncomfortable, to have to explain things that don’t often need explaining.

Instead of boiling over with nerves the closer you get, though, the anxiety simmers below the surface as you watch Frankie navigate back to your apartment. His side profile is criminal, with his wide eyes and strong nose and stubbly jaw, that dimple that just won’t seem to go away. His curls tickle the nape of his neck and whisp around his temple and you must twirl them between your fingers. So you do, and his answering hum has you squirming in the passenger seat.

The walk up your apartment stairs is when the nerves start to get the best of you. It takes you two tries to get your door unlocked, and you know Frankie is aware by the way he looks at you when you usher him through the door.

“Are you okay?”

It’s funny how just a week before you were asking him the same question, and now you’re the one who’s a bundle of frayed nerves when you’d only ever been so cool and calm and collected.

“I am, I just— Things are different… with me.”

His concerned brows turn back up when he smiles at you, the softness in his eyes working wonders to ease your anxiety.

“I like different. Different’s fun.”

You huff. He’s so sweet. It’s hotter than it should be.

“Really. I wanna learn you. Let me, cariño. Please?”

And god… those are gonna be a big, big problem, his wide, watery puppy eyes framed by long eyelashes that he breaks out like it’s no big deal. Like you wouldn’t murder someone for him if he made those eyes at you and asked nicely.

You sigh, and nod, and that gets him to drop the eyes at least, replace them with a toothy smile instead.

“Let me get us some waters, if you wanna get comfy on the couch.”

It gives you a second to breathe and gather your thoughts as you meander into the kitchen.

“I missed this couch,” he muses, wistful, and you laugh.

“I’m sure you did, Pretty Boy.”

You barely hear his huff over the trickle of your Brita filter, but then he speaks up.

“I love it when you call me that. Drives me crazy.”

Frankie’s full of this energy you didn’t expect from him, so much more forward now. You suppose the walls have been broken down a bit, ever since your last night together.

He’s sprawled out on the couch when you return with two glasses, leaning back against the corner of it, and his cock is straining at his jeans. You don’t pretend not to notice, and he doesn’t pretend that he can’t see your eyes tracing the shape of its outline in his dark denim. You place your waters on the coffee table, even as you feel your mouth go dry.

“Told you, drives me crazy. You drive me crazy.”

The way he looks up at you makes him look so small. Your pulse jumps about it, the way it makes you feel just minutely more comfortable with the conversation you’re about to have.

And it’s one that you want to have, no matter how un-sexy it feels, or annoying. Because in your experience, when you forgo the conversation until after, they always take it personally when you tell them what you didn’t like. And even though you know it’s bullshit, you can’t stand the thought of Frankie feeling defensive toward you, even if it’s unfounded.

So you curl up next to him, let his arm that’s slung over the couch rest across your shoulders. You bring your knees up to your chest and plant one hand high on his thigh. You’re so nervous that you almost miss the way it twitches under your palm.

“What’s on your mind?”

His thumb rubs tiny loops against your shoulder. Yours mirrors it on his jeans, and it soothes you enough to start speaking.

“Sometimes I don’t like… certain things. During sex. And sometimes I do. It just depends on my mood,” you start.

“Yeah, same. I think that’s everyone, right? Normal?”

You roll your eyes at yourself, because you know he has a point. But yours are a little different.

“Yeah but… You know how I said sometimes I’m both, and sometimes I’m neither, and sometimes I’m one or the other?”

“Yeah, ‘course I do.”

“Welll when I’m… y’know. Sometimes certain words just… turn me off. Make me feel weird, and get in my head and stuff, and then it’s not fun anymore.”

Frankie nods.

“And not like… What I mean is sometimes I like one word, and then another time I won’t like the same word. It’s always different. Depending on what I’m feeling.”

“Guapo, look at me.”

It’s then, when Frankie’s deep voice cuts like a searing hot knife, that you realize your eyes have been darting around everywhere but him.

He’s got a serious look on his face when you finally gaze back, but it’s soft, and it’s comforting, and for a second you think might cry.

“I think it’s my turn to make you ask for what you want.”

He smirks when he says it, and it’s so uneasy and so not at the same time.

You take a deep breath. Release it. Feel the squeeze of your heart unclench a bit.

“I want you to suck my cock. Today. And tomorrow maybe I’ll want you to eat my pussy. Okay?”

“Jesus Fuck—“

“I’m sorry—“

“Shut up, you’re so fucking hot.”

His words steal the breath from your lungs and make your face feel like it’s on fire. Even more so when his free hand presses against his erection over his jeans. It spreads, a dangerous flame that curls around your insides, high in your chest and low in your gut, and you tilt your head so you can taste the little whimper that falls from his lips.

Your hand finds his chest again, like it did that night, and something about his racing heartbeat eases you so much. That he’s just as nervous as you are, even if he’s a bit better at hiding it this time.

He cradles you when he kisses you back, one big, warm hand on the back of your head and his other on your back, wrapped around you, safe. And he’s gentle as he leads you to lie back, even as he growls and nips at your bottom lip.

Safe.

His thighs bracket one of yours as he holds himself above you by an elbow on the cushions. You feel his cock, hot and hard, pressed tight against you, throbbing when he shifts his hips for friction.

You let a noise sneak past your vocal chords, a deeper sigh, and instantly you feel even more vulnerable.

But Frankie just returns it, grip tightening on the back of your head. He pulls his mouth from yours and instead finds your pulse with it.

You gasp, and he curses. His hips jerk against you, and you know you’re about to soak through your briefs. His teeth find skin underneath your collar and you egg him on by lifting your thigh to press even tighter against his prick.

His muttered curse feels hot against your skin, but it quickly runs ice cold when Frankie’s hand sneaks under the hem of your shirt. You grab it quickly, separated by the material, and shake your head back and forth quickly.

“Not right now,” you whisper, “sorry.”

He looks up from his toothy assault on your skin to meet your gaze, hand slipping back out from under your shirt, and smiles.

“Don’t apologize,” he says, hand finding the crook of your thigh instead, “never for that. Always tell me what you need.”

Your breath stutters as he shifts back up to kiss your lips again, his thigh pressing just right between yours as his tongue tastes the roof of your mouth. You grind just like that, and he does too, a hot and damp rustling of fabric as he takes your mouth and whines into it at the friction.

Your hands get with the program, reach around to squeeze his ass and encourage his thrusts against your thigh. Sparks of arousal shoot through you every time you feel his cock pulse against you. It becomes not enough extremely quickly, especially with the noises you’re coaxing out of him and the way his tongue is sloppy and greedy inside your mouth.

“I need your mouth,” you gasp, your slick lips moving against his own as you speak.

He groans, licks at your bottom lip one last time.

“Anything you want.”

You’re hot, flustered and aching when he finally works on unfastening your pants. All the while his wide doe eyes peer up at you, waiting for any direction.

He shuffles a bit, settling between your open legs and huffing when he misses the pressure of your thigh against his prick. You thread your fingers through his curls as consolation, and smirk when he shudders and his eyelids droop.

He gets a hand under your pants, and both of your mouths drop open at the contact to the warmth between your thighs.

“Fuck, you feel perfect,” he sighs, “please let me taste you.”

His voice is gravelly, sends a wave of tingles up your spine as you grind down into his hand and tighten your grip on his hair. His fingers twitch against you as he gasps and pulls against your hold on his locks, and it’s fucking wicked.

Your curse and tug him by the hair to bury his face between your legs. You feel his nose squish against you first, then his lips, a hot breath of air released against you. He groans into you, inhales a deep breath, and you see his hips work frantically against the couch cushion underneath him.

“Frankie.”

He opens his eyes, but doesn’t dare pull his face away from your center.

“Take ‘em off,” you order.

He nods, face still pressed against you, like he’s nuzzling your package, and you have to tug his hair to urge him to get a move on.

“Sorry, sorry. Fuck— can’t help it.”

His fingers tremble, just barely, but noticeable nonetheless, as he hooks them under your briefs. One last look up at you, and you nod and tug at his curls, and then he finally pulls the damned things down your legs and off.

At this point, you don’t have enough wits about you to be shy. You spread your legs, one against the back of the couch, the other dangling off at the knee so your foot touches the floor. The air in your apartment is cool where you’re wet and slick, and your hips wiggle in anticipation.

All the while, Frankie stares at your center, just inches above you, so close you can feel his ragged breaths with every heave of his chest. He’s a fucking vision like this, between your legs, needy and ready to do what you tell him.

“Can I—?”

“Suck my cock, Frankie. Wanna see those pretty lips wrapped around it.”

A stilted breath escapes him as he opens his mouth to press against you. Your hips jolt at the first touch of his tongue through your folds, hot and wet and perfect. He wastes no time following your direction, though, tongue flicking over your cock before he gets it into his mouth and suckles.

Fuck.

It’s so fucking good, he’s so fucking good. Your grip on his hair only gets tighter as you watch his hips grind against the couch in a frantic rhythm. He whines and sucks harder, just shy of too much, tongue circling around your dick in between delicious pulses of suction.

You want to close your eyes and succumb to the pleasure, but you don’t want to miss a moment of this. The way his brow is creased in concentration, his silky curls bobbing up and down in your lap, the fucking noises he makes. The slurps and the grunts and the hums, like he’s getting just as much out of it as you are.

You suppose he is, the way he’s humping the sofa like he’s in heat.

His eyes flicker up to you, a silent question.

Is this doing it for you?

“So fucking good, Frankie. Just like that,” you tell him, fingers dragging through his hair, nails scraping at his scalp.

His eyes close as he hums around you, and yours do too, then, overwhelmed by the feeling. Your hips rock up into his face, fucking it, using him. His grip tightens on your thighs, and your body rocks from the from the way he’s grinding against the couch.

His tongue is wicked and precise, circling your cock, flicking it, circling then flicking, again and again and it makes your whole body buzz, has you out of your fucking mind.

And you suppose that’s why the words just fall from your lips; there’s no filter left, just raw, overwhelmed senses and adrenaline.

“Fuck, good boy Frankie. Letting me fuck your face, like the perfect little toy.”

“Hah— shit,” he whines, hips stuttering between your legs just for a moment as his lips lose their grasp on your dick.

“Prettiest mouth, all for me, right?”

You watch him as he looks up at you and nods, mouth hung open, his tongue sliding up and down your slit at the quick motion. He looks a mess, with his mustache glistening and his pupils huge and dark and his hair sticking up every which way. His eyelids droop and his brows draw up tight and he looks so so perfect between your legs.

With another pathetic noise, he sucks your cock between his lips again. You take mercy on his hair, let your hand find the back of his neck and cradle, massage the tense muscles under your fingertips. You feel him shudder against you, watch as his hips speed up in time with the bobbing of his head between your thighs.

And it’s building, blazing through your system, fiery static that has you breathing quicker, arching your back as your muscles tense.

Frankie’s noises only press you closer and closer to the edge, the way they’re muffled around your prick in his mouth, the way he’s clutching onto your hip and fucking your couch cushion as he slurps and suckles. It’s soaking wet and hot and much better than you’ve felt in a very long time.

“So close, don’t stop,” you beg.

Frankie’s answering noise is strung-out and his grip is bruising on your hip. You lift your hips into his mouth and your hand finds his hair again. You tug and encourage him to suck you off faster, just a bit, just enough.

You cry out his name as you shake. You hope the grip you’ve taken on his hair isn’t too tight, but none of your movements are your own until all the tension leaves your body. He works you through it as his breath puffs faster and heavier against your mound, gradually suckling softer, bobbing his head slower and slower while he groans around you.

Slowly, your muscles relax and your tendons unclench and your eyes open just in time to watch Frankie press a kiss to your swollen, twitching bud.

“Jesus,” you manage through a breath.

His grin is shy as he rests his cheek on your thigh. He strokes you through your comedown, quiet and calm, his fingertips soothing your thigh and your hip.

“How was that?”

You laugh at his question, and he hides his own chuckles in the crease of your hip.

“Incredible.”

He hums, and you ruffle his hair when his gaze turns sheepish.

“What do you need, Pretty Boy?”

He’s flushed, and his curls are a little damp at his temples as he shakes his head.

“I don’t need anything, Guapo.”

You try to muster up as stern a look as you can with your brain still fuzzy and your muscles still lax and gooey. His big brown eyes look up at you, pleading, and his shy look turns embarrassed.

Instead of speaking, he grunts as he sits back on his knees. You take note of the way his teeth scrape his bottom lip before you follow his eyeline, down his still heaving chest and belly.

You try not to let your eyes widen when you see the substantial damp patch soaked through his denim, but you must not have been subtle, because he makes a high, cut-off noise from the back of his throat.

“Sorry,” he says with a grimace.

“Shut up, you’re so fucking hot,” you chirp.

Those little dimples you’ve come to adore rear their heads even as he shakes his.

You sit up to press a kiss to one, then the other, and then his lips. You savor the heady taste of yourself on them, hum happily into his mouth as his trembling fingers stroke your skin.

You both change into comfier clothes. The sight of him wrapped up in your things has a whirlwind of emotions wreaking havoc in your chest. Something primal and something domestic all at the same time, and you have to tug him close in your grasp to tamper it all down to a manageable level.

His body weight tucked half into your side, half on top of you works wonders to calm you, especially as your hand finds his silky curls once more and you feel each strand slip through your fingers.

Frankie sighs, big and heavy, and it tickles your neck.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

He chuckles and nuzzles his nose into the sensitive skin behind your ear.

“Thinking it’s kinda crazy, being so into someone I met a month ago.”

Your pulse jumps at his words. You wonder if he can feel it where he’s pressed against you.

“Yeah, kinda crazy,” you agree.

“Feels stupid.”

His curls brush against your face when he shakes his head, huffs again, but you hear the smile in his voice.

“Life’s kinda stupid.”

“It is, isn’t it?”

You chuckle at him as you watch his fingers tap an incoherent rhythm on your stomach.

“Seems fair, doesn’t it? To lean into the stupid when you get the chance?”

He turns to you then, a soft smile crinkling the edges of his wide eyes.

“Sounds fair to me,” he mumbles.

last part / next part

#x reader #sub! frankie morales #frankie morales x reader #nb reader #gender-fluid reader #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #frankie morales #frankie morales fanfiction #ppcu fanfiction #pedro pascal cinematic universe #frankie morales smut #triple frontier fanfiction

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cookiewrites · 3 months

Text

bang chan with a trans masc boyfriend

please enjoy these sfw/nsfw thoughts about bang chan, featuring my gender crisis. these are based on my experiences/hopes, and may not match every trans-masc person's - and that's okay!

wc: 1k

cw: bang chan x trans masc/afab! reader, mentions of dysphoria (various forms) and transition, no transphobia, brief mention of misgendering (no one actually misgenders reader), name for reader (baby, boy, boyfriend, pretty boy)

sfw

i have no doubt in my mind that chan would accept you being trans - whether you came out before you met him or whilst dating him. but let's talk coming out; he wouldn't have a learning curve, there'd be no slip ups or small mistakes. it would be an instant shift, and he'd make sure it would be the same with the kids. even if you weren't ready to tell them straight up, he'd let them all know that you were trying more masculine things and they'd just follow his lead.

he'd let you borrow all his clothes, of course. not even in the possessive my boyfriend is wearing my clothes way although yes that as well but so you can try out different styles and have access to a full wardrobe of masculine clothes as you built up your own. tbh i think you'd end up sharing a wardrobe with him from then on, it's your joint wardrobe, easy as that. he'd instantly turn compliments from beautiful to handsome, or whatever would make you comfortable. suddenly you're his prince. sometimes you'd forget you were ever not out to him.

telling him for the first time was hard, you couldn't stop crying and you were so scared, hiccupping over words and telling him over and over that it was okay if it stopped him loving you and how sorry you were and- 'you know i love you, right? and i love that i have a boyfriend now, if that's the term you're most comfortable with. either way, baby, 'm going nowhere, and i'm so so proud of you for telling me.'. he'd hug you close, too, squeezing you tight as you calm down, reminding you over and over how much he loves you as you are.

you'd expect at least a discussion and questions, and maybe him to need some time and maybe take a break and maybe break up with you and maybe- 'god i was so worried you were going to leave me, baby boy, i'm so glad this is all that's been wrong'. he's so happy that you're not going anywhere he can't stop smiling. yes he has a boyfriend, and yes it's a change but you're still his! before you really have time to grasp what has happened he's covering you with small kisses and reminding you how much he loves you.

if someone were to misgender you he'd be quick to correct them, never making a big deal out of it, just interjecting with the right pronouns or terms. if it was one of the kids he'd pull them aside later and remind them to try harder - not that they'd need it, he taught them all better than that and they'd be so happy to have another guy the group, for some of them another hyung.

he already knew a bit about being trans, but he went out of his way to research everything he could, and the ways he could support. you'd often stumble across open tabs when borrowing his laptop or visiting him in the studio. the consideration to not expect you to do all the emotional labor of explaining things the internet could easily tell him. he'd look into chest binding and medical transition in case you ever wanted to, he looked up ways to help dysphoria so you wouldn't have to teach him. he wanted everything to be as easy for you as possible.

would 100% help you with your dysphoria by almost playing dumb to what's making you dysphoric. like he wouldn't even acknowledge your chest being anything but a chest, changbin has a bigger chest, so do you, it's the same. he's not tall, and he's as much of a man as you are. dysphoria where? dysphoria what? you're just as masculine as the rest of them.

'they're just jealous i have the prettiest boyfriend' he'd whisper to you when the kids would tease you both for being so loved up. every time he says that word is makes your heart skip - he says it with so much love.

nsfw

additional cw: mentions of chan bottoming, reader receiving oral sex, reader's parts referred to with the term dick, mentions of chan giving a blowjob, praise/dirty talk

i think chan could have a relationship without sex, he would never expect or push a partner and it is as fulfilling with or without for him. that being said, sex is something chan loves; the feeling of closeness, and trust, and love. the way he loves making a partner feel good, and loved, and cared for. he is such a soft dom, and just wants to make who he is with feel good.

so when he put together that your reluctance to have sex may come from your dysphoria he starts helping you over that; and make adaptions to intimacy to make you the most comfortable. don't want to take your shirt off or wear a binder? absolutely fine, let's make sure you're safe but you never have to be naked around me. don't want penetration? amazing, chan loves playing with you in whatever way makes you feel good. want to top him? oh please, he'll be good for you and really loves whatever toy you want to pick. want him to refer to your parts with masculine names? 'god your dick is perfect baby, fuck, it's so pretty'

he's so into you that he will do anything. there was one time he gave your strap a hell of a blowjob, just because you'd mentioned in passing how frustrating it was not getting to see him like that. even the way he does go down on you changes, with or without going on t, chan gives you head instead of eats you out - there's this masculinity in the way he treats your body.

the praise during sex is always incredible, and we are all in agreement that chan is talkative during sex. he doesn't always expect a reply but simply loves telling you how incredible you are. it's through this that you find just how good it is to be with someone to truly sees what you are;

'oh pretty boy, god you're so good for me'

'f-fuck you're so deep baby, so b-big, fuck'

'i don't think i'll ever get over this dick of yours baby boy, fuck, it's just perfect'

#skz x reader #stray kids #stray kids smut #stray kids drabble #skz smut #bang chan #skz chan #skz imagines #stray kids imagine #stray kids chan #chan smut #bang chan x reader #bang chan smut

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steviewashere · 2 months

Text

A Tribulation For Peace of Mind

Pairings: Eddie Munson & Eddie Munson's Mother, Eddie Munson & Wayne Munson, Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, Brief Eddie Munson & Eddie Munson's Father Rating: MatureTags: Canon Adjacent, Coming of Age (Sort of I Might Be Bad at This), Transgender Eddie Munson, FTM Eddie Munson, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Moments in Time, Different Meeting AU, Pre-Season Two, Post-King Steve, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, Good Parent Wayne Munson, Gay Wayne Munson, Additional Tags May be Added

Content Warning: Transphobia, Slurs, Mentions of Violence But None Shown, Period Typical Language, Gender Dysphoria

This is just the introduction chapter, sitting at a whopping 6.2k words. And again as a warning, this first chapter is just brief little scenes that will extend more in later chapters, apologies. Also, I'm a trans man, so keep that in mind.

🏳️‍⚧️—————🏳️‍⚧️ There’s something about her body that Elizabeth Munson can’t quite put her finger on. Something different and wrong. Maybe…Maybe wrong is a strong word, but that’s what it is, she supposes. She had soft areas on her body that she often glared at with disdain. The curves and small pouch of fat at the bottom of her tummy. Which, she doesn’t hate all that too much, her mama told her about how that pouch is protecting her. That it’s meant to keep her insides safe. But she still, very much so, wants it gone. Wants a lot of herself gone. Her long hair, curly and wild—like her mama’s, but it’s prettier, and gentler less ill-fitting on her mama. She wants what her period is giving her to be shunned to another realm. The breasts, as her mama calls them, her smile all nurturing and sweet and doting. But they make shirts sit weird, and they’re kind of heavy, and they remind her too much about having babies. She doesn’t think she wants to have kids, not in the way she was made to have them. That doesn’t feel good to think about, either. Her fingers are long and narrow. Which, they aren’t too bad. Useful to learn the guitar with. But she looks at them and believes that they aren’t what her eyes are meant to see.

She finds herself admiring boys a lot. How they often don’t have to think about their body, unless they’re playing sports. They make her chest hurt. Like a quick staple in her skin. The boys in her school have short hair, first of all. Tidied up, shaved cleanly on the sides, high tapered and shaped nicely to their heads. Boys have lean bodies with defined muscles. They have flat chests and flat tummies, for the most part, and big feet, big hands, thick fingers.

Why did she have to come out looking like herself, she often wonders. Why couldn’t she have meaty muscles and hair all over the place and a deep rasp in her throat? How come she’s gotta smoke cigarettes to achieve the voice of her dreams? Why does she even dream about having a different voice, a different body, even a different name?

When she stands in front of her mirror, much like she does this morning, much like she does every morning, she sees an imposter cloaking her soul. If monsters exist, she believes that they have wrapped themselves around her bones, mutilated themselves to be human flesh and skin toned, and they inhabit her brain.

Her fingers comb through her hair for the thousandth time, frustrated beyond belief. She can’t make her hair look good or normal or right.

In a feeble attempt to make some sense of herself, she wraps her palm around her heavy head of hair, tugging it back behind her ears, above her shoulders, and imagines herself without it. What she’d look like. All rounded facial features and pouty lips, her mama’s eyes and her daddy’s crooked smile. Wraps her free arm around her chest, pushing and prodding around until her breasts are practically as flat as they can possibly be. She steps back from the full length mirror of her bedroom, the portal to monsters and Narnia and Wonderland, and sees it for what it is for the first time: A simple bedroom mirror.

Because there, in the reflection where her body once stood, is a little boy with scraggly arms and a chubby little belly and knobby knees. A little boy who’s mama doesn’t know how to cut hair all that well, maybe settles for a bowl cut each time, and each time he thinks she did a great job. A little boy who’s freshly twelve years old and doesn’t want to go to his first day of seventh grade, where the other kids will mock him. This little boy who seems to smile.

And she realizes, dropping her hair in haste at the rapid knocking on her door, she is not a girl. No, not at all.

Elizabeth Munson is a boy.

———— Boys act tough. Boys are rowdy. Boys are stupid creatures.

Elizabeth mimics them as well as he’s able. He still hasn’t figured out his name, not yet. But he knows how to growl and retort. Can take up space with big gestures and act all bothersome at the prospect of sitting like a lady. He can do all kinds of things.

But the one thing he hasn’t been able to do yet? Shake the sensation of his heavy hair.

He goes home one afternoon after a difficult day of school. Where he got called pretty and ugly and chic and darling. Shoved into lockers and teased for not wearing makeup. For stealing his daddy’s flannels and covering himself up, like he doesn’t want to be seen. He sneaks into the bathroom and finds his dad’s shaving kit.

If he can’t go somewhere and request for his hair to be cut a certain way, then he’ll just have to do it himself. He’s not sure how to successfully do it. But he begins with snipping away the ends. Up to his ears. Cuts off his bangs all choppy like. Drags the razor across his scalp. The tufts of hair falling to his shoulders. His naked shoulders. His naked torso still shining like dull copper in the mirror, heavy breasts and curvy waist and slim shoulders.

He shakes himself off like a dog.

And when the razor is unplugged, repackaged, put away for nobody to find. He takes himself in.

There in the reflection, is a…person with a shaved head. He throws on a t-shirt. And sees, truly, a little boy with his mama’s eyes and his daddy’s nose and unruly little scars from being shoved into things at school.

But he sees a boy. Or the outline of a boy. He sees the imprint, the footprint in wet sand, an initial carved into a tree. Then he thinks about his introductions. About going, “I’m Elizabeth.” The grimace that brings to his face. He holds a hand out to the mirror, his reflection almost mocking his movement. And rolls some names off of his tongue.

“Hi, I’m Allan,” he starts. Maybe he should be named after his father, but that doesn’t taste all that well. Another Allan Munson would be the end of the world. If being a boy in girl’s skin doesn’t kill him, then being the appendage of a criminal would. And he’s already had plenty of close encounters.

He takes a deep breath. “Hi, I’m Sam…I’m Sammy,” he tries. His mama’s name is Samantha, so maybe he should go after her. But if she was considered a hippie basketcase to the rest of Townsend, Tennessee, then he will, too. By default. Seems like maybe going the family route won’t work in his favor.

“George,” he shoots. “Georg—ie.” That’s another option. He wants a nickname.

Elizabeth garners Eliza and Liza and Beth and Bethany.

Allan gets Al. Samantha is Sammy or Sam or Mandy.

But he can’t, for the life of him, think of a single name that fits like a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. Can’t find something sweet, maybe a little sophisticated. Something that rolls. A name that would be easy for himself to remember. Or one that a person could hear in passing, maybe think he said something else.

What about famous artists?

“I’m Jonathan, but I prefer Johnny,” he mutters, thinking of Johnny Cash. He shakes his head and resets on his feet. “John, but I like Johnny.” John Prine is on his mind for that one. Flaps his hand to get rid of the ache from holding out for so long, drops it to his side, switches to the other. “Woody,” he whispers, but that’s not right either. Woody Guthrie has that.

He sighs. Never in his life did he think finding a name would be so hard. Briefly, he wonders how his mama did it. How she remembered his birth name even after heaving and laboring for hours, coming out exhausted and bloody and sobbing. God, he hopes he never has to experience this again. But, knowing his luck, he may as well start making lists—who else in his life may want a new name? Seems like he’s got plenty to pull from the recycling bin.

Holding out his palm again, he thinks about Eddie Van Halen. Thinks about fast music. Thinks about music that bonds him to the floor, that thrums his heart, that boils his blood. He imagines playing to sold out crowds, being called out to the stage. The crowd cheering, voices a concoction of screaming and wailing. “Ed-die! Ed-die! Ed-die!” They shout.

“Eddie,” he murmurs. Looks himself in the eyes. Big and brown. Just like his mama’s. Thinks of her holding his head. Kissing his temple. Folding the collars of his shirts, helping him tie his shoes, teaching him to brush his teeth. Of her saccharine voice like honey on the shell of his ear, sticky and golden.

Her lips to his sheared hair. Holding him by the shoulders. Her eyes watering from pride. Whispering, “You make Mama proud, you hear me Edward? My little Eddie’s gonna make Mama proud.”

Thinks of her body not ravaged by illness, her tummy fluffy and her arms full, her hair still long and tickling his neck. Thinks about the day she called him to her arms, announcing that she was sick, but that her biggest accomplishment—the thing she’s most proud of—was that she had a wonderful little kid. A brave kid. A tough kid.

“A precious little stone. ’T’s what you are, baby,” her voice had lilted. That Tennessee drawl to her bottom lip. Her nimble hands, just like his, soothing the ache in his sides, showing him how to take care of himself. Where the pads were and how to get blood out of clothes. Of her applying mascara, but nothing more, because less is more. He thinks of her hands on his cheeks. Murmuring all sweet like, “You were almost a baby boy, you know that? How funny that would’a been. But, you wanna know something, angel?” And he had nodded in her hold. “I would’a named you Edward. Cause you are the guardian of my heart. My heart is yours. And you are my heart. And whatever you do in this world, baby, I will be right there with you.”

Her voice against his cheek, kissing away his tears. “I’ll be right here,” she whispers, tapping his heart. “And no matter what you do. No matter who you are. Where you end up. You will always have my heart, my pride, my joy.”

He thinks of her at the end of her life. He’s nearly twelve years old and he’s feeling all too awkward about himself. She holds out her palm. And he takes it. She squeezes, murmuring, “Never change your heart, angel, never change your heart.” Her breath gone. And him, that ache and her palm, but those words being all that was left.

“I’m Edward Munson,” he introduces to the mirror. “But you can call me Eddie, if you’d like.” And yearns like a sunflower in the middle of winter.

———— Turns out with girl’s skin and boy hair, you don’t earn your place in the world. That you get kicked down and shoved in the mud and bloodied until all that’s recognizable is your eyes, fearing and hurt. Well, at least, that’s what happens in 1978; when Eddie’s twelve years old and trying to make his existence permanent in the world.

His dad isn’t proud. Never has been. Definitely never will. He drags Eddie back to their home. Makes him pack some bags. And Eddie thinks, briefly now, how at least he was given the ability to pack his bags, to gather his things. To say goodbye to the shadows that linger; they’re the shapes of Elizabeth and Mama.

He’s put into the back of the car. Told to be silent. To look out the window. Listen to his garbage music. He finds himself in the screeching of rock and heavy drums, of being an outcast on the outside of something great—how alternative rock has shown him that. Finds himself in the vocals, defying normal music rules, of going against all that he should know. Finds himself on the road between Townsend, Tennessee and Hawkins, Indiana. One small town exchanged for the other.

There are no words said as they pull into the Forest Hills trailer park. As the car stops at the end of the drive in a little dusty non-existent driveway. Or as Eddie gets out, bags in hand—a trash bag, one duffel, his school bag. When his dad goes up to the door and bangs like the cops that would show up to arrest him. Eddie almost snorts, almost laughs himself into pissing his pants—to think he’s being dragged away from his home, sent somewhere else, sentenced to this new life—how the tables turn.

Allan’s brother, Wayne Munson, answers. Eddie hasn’t seen him in a long while. They were never really allowed near each other, for reasons unknown to him. Wayne’s a few years older than his brother, tall and lean, dark brown hair that’s almost all gone from the top of his head and barely brushed by grey. He leans out the screen door, one hand on the handle, the other on the door behind him. Wearing a pair of dirtied up light wash Wranglers, some scuffed and muddied works boots, a blue Carhartt heavy duty jacket with holes in the pockets, and an orange and yellow plaid button up. Looks like he’s about to head off for work. Which makes sense. It’s probably somewhere around 8pm here; he works late nights at the plant, for all that Eddie remembers.

“Al, what the hell are you doin’ here?” Wayne greets unkindly. His voice is deep and gruff. Barely has a drawl to it, but it’s tinged with something. Tinged with a sweetness not known in the outskirts of a place like Hawkins. “An’ why’re you bringin’ your kiddo ‘round? I got work and ya didn’t call me in advance.”

“Ya still one of ‘em fags?” Al spits, ignoring the interrogation.

Wayne is genuinely startled by the question. His head rears back, nearly connecting with the jamb behind him. He steps out of the doorway, towering over the both of them from his place on the porch, arms crossed heavy over his chest, a deep furrow to his eyebrows. He’s got wrinkles…and they aren’t the happy ones. “Why the fuck are you askin’ me that?” And in just that sentence alone, the sweetness evaporates from his voice. Replaced instead by a curdled garbling, velvet and rich, coming from the very depths of him.

Al mirrors Wayne. Though, he leans in, like he’s getting ready to sample the knuckles Wayne’s about to send him. “‘Cause, somehow, you infected my little girl. Got some cross-dressin’, confused, little transvestite for a kid instead.” His hand reaches behind him, cupping Eddie’s left shoulder harshly. Enough that there’s a loud smack, enough that Eddie winces, enough that he wants to curl up in a ball and cry. He shoves Eddie forward.

Eddie stumbles onto the bottom step, almost landing in the dirt below with gravel in his palms. He wants to puke or tear out the rest of his hair or rip apart his insides. Everything is wrong and now he knows he’s wrong and nothing’s gonna make this right.

“I ain’t raisin’ no kid like this, Wayne. She’s your fuckin’ prob’em now.”

And that’s it. Allan turns to leave, Wayne’s hollering after him, and Eddie’s crying down at the bottom step of the stairs. He’s wishing like all hell that he could curl up in bed with his mama, hear one of her many bedtime stories, get his neck massaged by her careful hands, and just sleep. Sleep this off. Sleep until the sun is out and the world has ended and all that’s left is bones. Just bones and debris and wildlife. Bones and debris and carnage.

A gentle palm settles on his back, he flinches at the contact, but settles when all it does is swipe in languid circles. There’s a boot in his field of vision. The speckled mud. Dried and caked. He blearily looks up, tears cascading and burning down his face, eyes irritated from all the cryings and beatings he’s endured in just the last few weeks. He’s got nasty yellow bruises on his skin and new tiny scars on his hairline, etched into his forehead like brands. He knows he’s unsavory to look at right now. But still, Wayne’s looking down at him as if he’s the sun and Eddie’s searching for sunlight.

“Hey, kid,” Wayne murmurs. “Why don’tcha come inside with me?” He offers out the palm not on Eddie’s back. Wiggling his fingers like that’ll be more enticing. And, maybe Eddie’s resolve is completely absent, because the wiggling is enough for him to place his own shaky hand down. For his cold, narrow fingers to be squeezed by his uncle’s calloused and thick ones.

He gets hauled up from the ground, brushed off on the shoulders, a pet to the top of his head. And a little weak smile from Wayne. A barely there thing. A soft and sweet thing, nonetheless. He’s ushered inside to the hideous and dilapidated sofa that was in the background of his better childhood memories. Settled down onto one of the cushions. Wayne gently pries the sneakers from off his feet, sets them down on the carpeted floor. He takes Eddie’s coat and hangs it up on one of the dining chair backs at the breakfast nook. The one closest to the phone, the one Eddie used to always eat French toast breakfasts in. The bags come inside, placed down somewhere distantly.

Eddie’s barely aware of what the hell is happening. Just knows that his stomach is empty and he’s hungry. His head is throbbing from the bruising still there on his cheeks and all the goddamn crying. Chest concave and heavy. So, so heavy. He can only sniffle when Wayne sits beside him. Another gentle palm to his shoulder, the one that Al had smacked earlier.

“I’m sorry, kiddo. Let me say that first,” Wayne’s whispering. Eddie just nods along, eyes unfocused and glazed, tearing up again at the gentle voice being thrown his way. When did everything turn so hard and unkind, a dull part of him wonders. Wayne’s soft voice cracks through his despondency, “But you will always be welcomed here. Gotta warn you, though, I ain’t never raised a kid. And you—uh—you sound like you got a complicated thing goin’ on, huh?”

“Yeah,” Eddie rasps. “’T’s all so…It’s a lot, Uncle Wayne.”

“I know, buddy,” Wayne continues, keeping his voice soft. “Believe me when I say that I know. Been in your shoes before.”

“Are you…You a boy like me?”

Wayne shakes his head. “No, I ain’t. But I—Your daddy—“

“Not my dad,” Eddie butts in.

“Not your dad,” Wayne mutters. He clears his throat. Something about him is congested, too. “But Al wasn’t wrong about me. I’m a fag. I’m a gay man, kid,” he confesses. Continues, “Was thrown out by the collar of my shirt, same as you. But, kid, there ain’t nothing wrong with us.”

His lip trembles. Shakily voicing, “Feels like there’s something wrong with me, Wayne. Why else would I be here?”

“Because you’re different. And you’re unique. And your heart is too big for Al to handle.” He takes a deep breath, rubbing his palm between Eddie’s shoulder blades. “But you stay here. I’ll let you have my bedroom tonight while I’m at work. We’ll unpack you tomorrow. And I’ll figure out your schooling, okay?” Eddie sniffles and nods. “Okay,” Wayne mutters, “What’s your name, buddy?”

Eddie wipes his nose with the back of his hand, and then holds it out. Wayne chuckles, a slight scrunch to his nose, but still he takes it. Something is warm in the way their palms touch. A gentle candle flame. Darkness waning for now. He finds himself softly smiling at his uncle. “My name’s Edward,” he introduces, “But you can call me Eddie.”

“Well, Ed—“ Wayne stops and raise his eyebrows. That okay, he’s asking. Eddie nods for him to continue. “Well, Ed, it’s nice to meet you. Welcome home.”

It wasn’t ideal, how he was forced from his home. But he thinks that it’ll be alright with the way Wayne smiles at him. As if, maybe or definitely, Wayne’s excited to have somebody similar to him in this town. And Eddie is in the same boat.

———— Talking at school isn’t something he’s done in a really long while.

Even back in Tennessee, Eddie didn’t try it. And still, he doesn’t do it here in Indiana, not really. One rural place for another. Conservative for conservative. He’d get worse looks than the scrutinizing ones he already receives.

The other kids look at him a lot. How he dresses. How he walks. He’s been mimicking so many other boys, trying to find that odd middle ground, his gate is all over the place. Some guys walk short and brisk and scurry like rats. Others are slow and suave. He even tries to impersonate any and all mannerisms that the boys offer. But there’s this one seventh grader that disrupts all that Eddie believes is “correct.”

Steve Harrington is an odd kid. He’s jock-ish; meaning that he’s in sports, he plays them, but he’s not very good. And he’s rather quiet, though rowdy with his friends. His friends aren’t good people. Eddie deduces that pretty fast. He’s been shoved out of the way by Tommy Hagan (apparently Steve’s best friend) and called some ugly name, and has to hold onto his bearings as Carol Perkins (Tommy’s little (maybe) girlfriend) pointedly looks towards his chest. But Steve…He’s weird. He walks fast, but suave, though scurrying and intimidated. Hasn’t really grown into his still pre-pubescent boyish body, as if that hasn’t been his body since probably elementary school. He gets excited about cars and history class and books, but flushes sensitive when he’s shot down by his gross friends. And he’s…Steve is kind. Steve is kind.

That’s the strangest thing to Eddie. Because all Eddie’s known is that most men, sans Wayne, and most boys, sans Steve Harrington, are terrible and spitting and mean. They’re the type to get in your face and bully you for your choice in shirt. They’re messy. They’re unruly. At least, that’s what Eddie’s collected. That’s what he’s written down on the fake scroll of rules, his doctrine in the back of his head.

Rule One: Boys are loud.

Rule Two: Boys are gross.

Rule Three: Jock boys are the worst.

Rule Four: Steve Harrington is not a normal boy and this cannot be changed.

Maybe that’s why Eddie gains a liking towards him. Maybe that’s why he wants to be his friend. And he tries. He really, really does. But Steve scatters. He clams up. His eyes are wide and his hair is teased up and his polo is too big for his scrawny collarbones. He can never pick one spot on Eddie’s face to look at, sight often dropping down to the floor. Though, Eddie does catch him looking at his chest once. Just once, by accident. But he quickly looked away, as if Steve knew what Eddie was trying to hide with the baggy clothes he stole from Wayne. The only other times he’s done it, not by accident, have been completely purposeful and oddly…curious, though not in a malicious way. As if, maybe, Steve really, truly wants to know. As if, maybe, Steve can almost relate.

Every time Eddie talks to Steve (his voice pitched low like taking a deep breath and scratchy from recently smoking a cigarette), he gets closer and closer to a real conversation. Less of, “Hey, you’re Steve, right? Maybe we can play—What’s that sport you do? Basketball? We can play basketball at recess—Hey! Where are you going?”

No, he’s close to Steve asking him a question. Though, his eyes don’t stay in one place. He gets weirdly fidgety. And really quiet. And he bolts. Sometimes, if Eddie is there when Tommy and Carol are with Steve, he hears the strangest thing.

Tommy will say something as Steve scatters, something along the lines of, “Run away, Stevie-boy! Run away! You’re good at that!” And Carol will snicker beside him.

But that’s not the strange thing. It’s something Steve responds with that makes Eddie grow curious. “Don’t call me that!” Steve will shout back. His hands tight to his body, trying to cover himself up. And that, well, Eddie knows that no other boy has done that. He hasn’t seen any other guy in Indiana, in little rural Hawkins, in any of his classes, do what Steve does every time Tommy calls him “Stevie-boy.” Can’t help himself from wondering, half the time, why Steve even sticks around these fools.

He backs off, but not without also thinking, Steve is a lot like me.

The rest of his eighth grade year goes by pretty uneventful. There’s the talent show that he attends, playing his guitar for a group of guys that cling to him pretty fast. That don’t make fun of his voice or his clothes. Who show him metal and Dungeons & Dragons, who know all about his Tolkien books, and who align with a lot of his doctrine. They are rowdy and they are gross, sometimes, but they teach him to get his energy out positively. Though, Eddie doesn’t think the gross factor can be fixed. He does lean into that aspect a little bit more, the more he grows comfortable with time. But otherwise, his friend group is small, eighth grade is stupid, and he moves on to high school. And in the rearview is Steve Harrington, who finally figures out how to get what he wants. Who defaults just as Eddie does. And, oddly, still is silently polite to Eddie—still curious with his gazes, not subtle at all. And who is somebody that Eddie learns to be jealous of.

Steve Harrington is a curious case. One to be reviewed. He’s a boy. An abnormal one. He’s attractive and smarmy and nerdy and jock-ish. And he’s somebody that Eddie keeps on his radar for many years.

Though, as it’s been said, his jealousy rears it’s ugly head.

———— In the time between eighth grade and starting his senior year, Eddie learns how to bind his chest with bandages. It’s not the easiest task, but he wakes up early to get it done. The first few times is awkward and deeply uncomfortable and he quickly tore them from his body. Though, he learns. He learns because Wayne gets tips and tricks from friends that he has. Because Wayne had mentioned there were ways to make Eddie feel less self-conscious about his body, at least somewhat.

So he learns. And he’s able to wear less baggy clothes. Though, his shirts still have some give. He still takes Wayne’s old jeans, tears holes in the knees, gets them dirty every time he works on his car or is pushed at school or spills Mtn Dew on them during Hellfire Club meetings.

That’s another thing he’s been able to do. With the small group of friends he gained in middle school, they start a Dungeons & Dragons club, disguised as a board game get together. (Because no way in Hell is a school in rural Indiana with a presbyterian church just around the corner going to let something like Dungeons & Dragons in their realm.) But he recruits some new people. People who are freaks, queers, and geeks just like him. So far, he’s got two sophomores named Jeff and Freak, a junior who goes by Ronnie, and Gareth who is a scrawny little freshman.

He should be at peace with what he has, who he is, what will come of him.

But of course he isn’t.

He learns to bind his chest, wears better clothes, grows out his hair a bit as defiance, but he’s not satisfied with everything he’s got. And that becomes apparent when Steve shows up as a junior on Eddie’s radar. He hasn’t really made an appearance, more background douche than anything, but here he is.

A kid who used to scramble out, nose to the ground, shoulders like Picasso paintings. A kid who seemed polite enough. A kid who Eddie admired a lot of the time. Now, he’s a total douchebag. Joining in on heckling the people around him like Tommy does, silently judging from the sidelines as Carol is prone to do. He’s obnoxiously loud, getting in people’s space, snarky comments, and disgusting belches. Running around like he owns the goddamn high school. As if he wasn’t some nobody with geeky interests only a few years prior.

It makes sense for Eddie to try and match his energy. Roaring about non-conformity and stupid jock parties from atop his table, two holes burning in his back from Steve’s gorgeous and fire-lit eyes. Stomping on mushy slices of square pizza, knocking cartons of chocolate milk to basketball players laps, and taking on his new title of Eddie The Freak. If anything, he prioritizes his queerness and outcast status to shine himself as a spectacle. But that still doesn’t rid of the douchey whispers he can sense coming out of Steve’s mouth at every lunch period.

Though, today is a different day. Eddie, by the fate of the Munson name, starts his period during his class before lunch. Trapped in the bathroom with red stained boxers and shaking hands, tears streaming down his face, squirming uncomfortably in front of the bathroom sink. He’s hidden in the men’s restroom. One near the lunchroom. One that nobody ever uses because then the cafeteria will smell like debris. But here he is anyway. Unable to match his own eyes in the mirror, ready to keel over, and slam his head on the porcelain tile below his—what he notices—dainty little feet. He’s able to see all the parts of his clothes that sit apart from his body, his jeans sagging, and his shirt ballooning. Sneakers that expose the extra room for his toes, able to fully move them up and down in the shoe. He wants to puke.

He thought he could have a moment of silence. To truly think about ditching class for the day. But of course he can’t have this breakdown to himself. Somebody stumbles through the door, slamming it shut behind them, shoes squeaking against the tile, and they’re panting.

When Eddie looks over, it’s to see the man of every hour, Steve Harrington. He’s red in the face, glassy eyed, mouth downward.

“Get out,” Eddie spits.

Steve looks to him. His gaze a thousand yards away. He’s haunting. But he doesn’t say anything to defend himself. And Eddie, well, he doesn’t know if he should repeat himself. Then, more blood gushes from him and he’s keeling over the sink, weak in the knees, going pale.

“Are you—“ Steve pants, “You alright?”

Eddie whimpers. “I can’t tell you,” he murmurs. “Please leave.”

But of course Steve won’t leave it. In fact, he comes closer. Right at Eddie’s side. Arms open and hands floating in caution. “Are you gonna be sick?” He asks. “We should get you over a trash can instead of the—“

“Steve, dude,” Eddie bites, “I’m—Fuck, I can’t tell you what’s wrong, alright? There’s nothing that you can do about it. Just leave me alone.” He briefly looks to the paper towel dispenser, weighing his options. Either he uses toilet paper, paper towels, or completely removes his underwear from the occasion. And these are his favorite boxers. “Actually,” he sighs. “Can you hand me a wad of paper towels? I need to—“ Pain ripples through him and he’s whimpering once more. “Fuck,” he mutters, “I should’a stayed home. The signs were all there.”

“Signs for…Dude, just tell me what’s going on. I can get a nurse or something in here. You’re freaking me out and I’m too worried about you to just leave.”

“Alright, fine,” he grits. “You wanna know so fuckin’ bad, then here’s your answer. I’m on my period.”

“Period? Don’t only—“

“Girls have periods?” Eddie finishes, blood boiling. “Yeah, Steve, they tend to. But I’m not a fucking girl. So, unless you’re in here to hand me a tampon, then you can gladly fuck off before you call me a tranny.”

Maybe that was a little over the top, but what else is he supposed to do? If he can’t be left in peace, then he may as well create it, right? Deter Steve from being in here and hopefully then he can be left alone. Then Steve says, “Oh, okay. I can—Let me get you a tampon from my locker.”

Eddie, startled and on the brink of exploding, blinks in utter confusion. “What. Why does King Steve have a tampon in his locker?”

Steve shifts from side to side. “I—uh—I like to carry them around in case Nancy needs them. Or—well—I guess anybody needs them. Let me grab you one, I’ll be right back.” And then he darts. For a second, in the slow close of the door, Eddie imagines scrawny, seventh grade Steve scurrying about the school.

He groans. Of course Steve is not only man in the ways that Eddie isn’t able to, yet. But he’s also some weird little knight in shining armor. Who the fuck does he think he is, Eddie can’t help but internally moan. He’s filled out nicely, gotten a little bit of muscle, is a bit better at the sports he plays, knows his way around school as an all high and mighty, can get any girl he wants, has the voice of Eddie’s wet dreams, and he’s a gentleman—in some ways.

True to his word, Steve comes back. Hand fisting the plastic wrapper of a tampon. Sidles easily up to Eddie, hand stretched out in offering. “It’s one of the super absorbent ones. Probably the safest bet. I didn’t ask which ones you like. So, here.” And he nudges his fist closer. “I also brought a couple snacks for when you’re done. Y’know, after you change and wash your hands. Do you—uh—do you need some new underwear? I can steal some from the guy’s locker room.”

Eddie stares down at the hand. Tentatively takes the tampon. And looks back up to Steve’s awfully earnest face. “I—Yeah, I need a new pair. But why are you being so calm about this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m basically telling you that I’m one of those transvestites that everybody seems to, y’know, fucking hate. And you’re just…You’re being nice to me about this. Thought that you’d have something against that.” He clears his throat. And swallows around the lump of emotion forming. “Dude, I’m a guy with a pussy. Isn’t that—You don’t find that weird?”

Steve shrugs. “Despite what people think, I’m not a bully like that. I know that I—I’ve got problems, Eddie. But I don’t have a problem with you.” He grows wary. “Should I have a problem with you or something? Are you like a racist?”

“What?! No!” Eddie shouts. Quickly he shrinks in on himself, hand covering his mouth. He drops it away with a sigh. “It’s just—I heard that you called Jonathan Byers a queer. Y’know, in that way. And look, I don’t know if Tommy and Carol set you up to—“

“They aren’t my friends anymore.”

Eddie raises his eyebrows and nods in slow astonishment. “Ohh—kay. Well, I didn’t think I could trust you, that’s all I’m saying.” He stands up straight from the sink, tampon in hand, and throws a thumb over his shoulder. “I’m going to, well, you know. If you can actually get me new boxers, that would be…That’d be much appreciated.”

“Yeah, man, ‘course.”

“One more thing, Steve?”

Before he leaves the bathroom, he looks over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“Can you—Please keep this between us. I know you’re being cool about all this bullshit, but not everybody is. If the wrong person hears about this, I could be beat up. Or worse.”

A strange flash of defeat and sadness spreads across Steve’s face. He tenses. Shoulders going up to his ears. Eyes downcast at the floor. Nods in understanding. “Yeah, Eddie. I can keep that to myself. I understand.”

“I don’t think you do, Steve. Please, I mean it.”

Steve nods again. “Trust me, I know,” he murmurs before he’s gone.

And though he does come back with underwear, stands by as Eddie nibbles on some dark chocolate for the iron as Steve mentioned, and makes small talk—Something in Eddie twists. Steve knows now. He knows. And he’s oddly empathetic about everything. Part of him wonders if Steve is like him, exactly like him.

🏳️‍⚧️—————🏳️‍⚧️ I don't know how long until the next chapter, but I hope this suffices. Let me know what you think about it :)

#stranger things #eddie munson #transgender eddie munson #trans eddie munson #ftm eddie munson #steve harrington #wayne munson #wayne munson & eddie munson #steddie

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nahoney22 · 1 year

Note

could you write tbb helping a trans/ftm reader out with their dysphoria? It’s okay if not, I know an anon gave you shit for writing about trans stuff but honestly as a trans person I’m grateful you write things for different types of readers.

Body Dysphoria

All Bad Batch Boys X Trans (female-to-male) reader

The boys help you with your body dysphoria.

warnings: mentions of body dysphoria, transitioning, insecure reader and mentions of self doubt but comfort from the boys. Platonic or romantic relationship, you decide.

A/N: sorry for the delay anon. And thank you for the support, hope this is okay - I’ve never done anything like this before and ngl, I don’t think I’ve hit the brief very well but regardless enjoy ♥️

Echo

Echo was the first to notice a difference in your behaviour. He had seen the way you would purposely ignore mirrors or any reflections and it was hard to watch sometimes. So one evening, he pulls you aside for a chat.

“Hey, are you doing alright?” You glance at the hand he rested on your should and quip a eyebrow at him, a little confused.

“Yeah, why?”

When he told you that he saw you avoiding mirrors, you suddenly grow a little shy. “Oh, you noticed that?” You mutter, rubbing your hand against the back of your neck.

Echo smiled softly but nodded. “Wanna tell me what that’s about?”

“I don’t know,” you shrug although you were well aware, “I just… I don’t feel how I want to feel.”

“And how is it you want to feel?” He promoted you gently to which you inhaled deeply and shrugged shyly.

“I guess I kinda want to feel how you do. More masculine, I don’t know.” You avoid eye contact with him, almost afraid he would have a disgusted look on his face but as he takes a step closer to you, placing a hand back to your shoulder to which you meekly look up at him.

“If that’s what you want, there is nothing here to stop you. Do whatever it takes to make you comfortable. Safe. Happy.”

Hunter

“You are aware that’s my shirt, right?”

You freeze, eyes wide and turn to face Hunter as he caught you holding his shirt up to your body and imagining yourself in it.

“Kriff, sorry.” You mumble apologetically, folding up his shirt and placing it back on his rack and turn to see his curious gaze.

“That’s alright but can I ask what you were doing?”

Your stomach churns and you really couldn’t come up with any excuse other than the truth which you just weren’t willing to share just yet. However, you had a feeling that Hunter already knew.

He takes in your silence and nods slowly. “Well, which one do you want?”

You blink at him, mouth parted and shocked evident on your face. “Oh I uh-.”

Hunter grabs a blue shirt, one he rarely wears and hands it over to you. “How about this one?”

For a second, you felt emotional. Hunter didn’t even question why you wanted one of his shirts but over the last few weeks he had sensed a change in you. One that left you excited but a little nervous.

You take the fabric into your hand, gave Hunter a gracious smile. “Do you think blue will suit me?”

“You tell me,” he leans against the wall with his arms folded, “or we could go out and buy some new clothes for when you’re ready to…you know.” he trails off, unsure how to approach the topic but nonetheless you’re appreciative of his silent support.

He had noticed your internal battle for a while, noticing how uncomfortable you are with your now old clothes. And as he saw you as someone he held dear, it was his duty to make you comfortable if you were to travel the galaxy with him.

Wrecker

“Are you okay?” For someone so loud and boisterous, Wrecker had such a gentle whisper.

You tilt your head to the side, looking over at him and raise a brow. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, you just uh… not been ya self lately.” He rubs the back of his neck, almost sheepish to ask you that question in the first place. But, he wasn’t wrong. You had been feeling rather low in yourself lately and if you were going to talk to anyone about it, it would’ve always been Wrecker.

Quietly you sigh and turn over fully in your bunk to face Wrecker whose was opposite yours, keeping voices hushed so you don’t wake the others. “If I tell you something do you promise not to tell the others?”

Wrecker chewed on the inside of his cheek, knowing that this question in itself was a challenge but nodded. “Sure.”

You take a deep breath before saying, “I don’t feel myself lately. I’ve been tossing and turning the thoughts around in my head for a while now but I’m just a little uneasy when it comes to my gender.”

Wrecker takes in your words and there is a subtle hint of confusion across his face but waits until the words have fully sunk in before speaking. “Are you telling me you feel more like a guy?” He was blunt in his question but as it was Wrecker you could only snort a laugh before slowly nodding.

“A little, yeah.” You then reply sheepishly which only broadens the smile on Wreckers face.

“Well, if that’s what you feel like or want to be then what’s stopping ya?” He grins at you and suddenly that unease slowly started to fade.

“I don’t know,” you shrug, “it’s still rather new to me but I just feel like I would be more comfortable as a male than I would be female.”

Wrecker sits up on his bunk and gently reaches across and places a hand on top of yours, a sign of soft comfort. “Don’t feel down about it. We’re all gonna support ya no matter what you decide. It’s your body and your life. Do what ya want with it! I don’t know if it’ll help but if you want to start wearing some of my clothes ya can.”

Despite the fact you don’t think his would fit you, you’re more than grateful that Wrecker was doing everything he could to make you feel at ease about your new found identity. It may be a long journey or maybe even a short one, you’re just glad Wrecker would be there every step of the way.

Tech

“Am I correct in identifying that you are having struggles with your gender identity?”

The question pours out of Tech’s mouth with ease so much so it sends tingles up and down your arm. “How did you…?”

“I have been assessing you silently for a few days now and done much research on your symptoms,” he says simply, pushing his goggles up his nose as he sits across from you, “and if I am correct after noticing your sudden mood shift, you are showing signs of dysphoria.”

You blink at him and let out a somewhat nervous laugh. “So because my mood is a little low you just assume it’s because I’m uncomfortable with my gender?” You counter, trying to play it off and hint that he was wrong but Tech was smart. Very smart.

“I am sorry if I am wrong. But, upon my investigation you have altered your appearance, behaviour and interests to make you comfortable. Am I incorrect?”

You chew on the inside of your cheek before nodding slowly. “No, you’re right.”

“As I suspected.” He taps something into his data pad and then looks up at you again. “Are you feeling depressed? And if so, is there anything I can do to help? Anything I can change in the ship to make you feel comfortable? Perhaps I could locate a place where we both - unless you want to go alone - could discuss this topic in regard to your gender identity and how to make you feel more your true self. Of course, this is if it is something you want to do.”

You stare over at Tech as he listed solutions to fit your best interests to the point you almost got a little emotional. “Tech,” you cut him off softly and he stops his rambling, looking up from his device and tilts his head at you to continue, “this means a lot to me. I’ve been struggling a while to understand who I wanted to be and to know that you support me means a lot. Thank you.”

“You are welcome. Should I be aware of any change in your pronouns by the way?”

Crosshair

Crosshair was always a silent observer so it was fairly quick to spot a difference within you. You had withdrawn yourself from the others and more than once he had seen you looking at the more masculine than feminine products and items.

One day, you’re in the cockpit and staring off into the lights of hyperspace when you hear some shuffling and then see Crosshair sit on the seat opposite yours. “I’ll bite,” he starts, catching you off guard but you turn to look at him in confusion, “what’s going on with you?”

“Erm, nothing?” You reply, a little lost at what he was getting at but as his dark stare lingered on you the more it began to sink into your mind that he had caught on to what you were up to.

Crosshair scoffs and folds his arms across his chest and shakes his head at you. “Terrible liar.”

You stay silent and go back to looking at the view of hyperspace, unaware that you were now messing with your hair which caught the attention of the Marksman.

He bites on his lip, contemplating what to say next. “Why don’t you go get it cut to how you want it?” Suddenly your fingers stop messing with the strands of hair and you side-eye him before shrugging your shoulders.

“I don’t…” you trail off, a little cautious about telling Crosshair how you were truly feeling incase he judged you but then again, he was the one who noticed and the one telling you to change how you look, “I don’t know anywhere that will cut it how I want.”

Crosshair hums, now gnawing on a toothpick when an idea pops into his mind. “I’ll cut it for you.”

“No.” You say with a short laugh, adamant that Crosshair wasn’t to come near you with a pair of scissors to cut your hair at all.

“I’m a good barber.” He declares, almost insulted that you refused his help but you can’t hide the smile of amusement on your lips. Crosshair stands and starts to rummage around until he approaches you with some scissors. “I cut Hunters hair sometimes.”

You blink up at him, actually shocked that he was willing to help you with something that you found important - something that could definitely boost up your self esteem. “Really?”

“Really. Now come on, sit on the chair sideways on.” He ordered but not in a way he was forcing you, he was giving you the option and a sudden wave of excitement washed over you.

As you let him begin the process of cutting your hair, every snip was like a weight being shrugged off your shoulders and a warm hug at the same time.

His fingers are precise, making sure that every move was perfect. You even had to stop your face from burning when he kneels down in front of you, face close to you as he cuts the front of your hair.

“Alright, I’m done. What do you think?”

You stand up and grab the mirror he held out to you, a smug smirk on his face as with shaken hands you lift the mirror to your face and your eyes immediately widen. It was perfect.

“Oh my goodness, Crosshair I-.” You cut yourself off, fingers raking through the shorter locks.

“Told you I was a good barber.”

In a moment of pure happiness, you turn to Crosshair and wrap your arms around him and force him into a hug. “Thank you. So much.”

Crosshair is surprised by the contact but gently pats your back. “It’s alrigh’. If you’re gonna be a soldier, you gotta be a confident one no matter who you are.”

“Does it bother you that I want to be different to who I was before?” Your voice is laced with nerves but it was Crosshair who put those nerves into the ground.

“If it makes you happy, why give a fuck what others think? You’re still amazing in my eyes.”

Tags: @nunanuggets @andyoufollowyourheart @littlefeatherr r @kaitou2417 @eyecandyeoz z @captxin-rex @cwarssimp @jesseeka @ashotofspotchka @oohyesplease @megafrost4 @theroguesully @equalityforcats @mustluvecho @misogirl828 @ladykatakuri @jambolska-grozdova @chxpsi @arctrooper69 @padawancat97 @rain-on-kamino o @either-madness-or-brilliance @staycalmandhugaclone @ko-neko-san @echos-girlfriend @fiveshelmet @dangraccoon @plushymiku-blog @crystal076 @blustalker @s1st3r @taskfork-archive @by-the-primes

#not my best ngl #nahoney22 writes #the bad batch #bad batch x reader #the bad batch x reader #bad batch one shots #bad batch HC’s #kinda

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hollyhomburg · 2 years

Text

Before I Leave You (Pt. 42)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Tae has a bad dysphoria day, luckily she has you and Hobi to help take her mind off of it.

Pairing: Beta! Yoongi, Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin

Tags: Fluff, hurt/comfort, Dysphoria, Vhope x reader focus, Trans character’s, Trans! Taehyung slow burn, Anxiety, melancholy, Brief mentions of Eating disorders, Denial, Unrequited feelings, seizures, hospitals, Doctor! Joonie

W/c: 8.0k

A/n: i hope everyone uses this little chapter as a chance to de-stress and take their mind off of recent events <3 please remember to treat yourself gently in the next few days! Softness is the only way to get out of hard times like this. I’m thinking of doing a little Ama/ Loveletter/ Mini story session on halloween night just to help people take their minds of things if you wanna stop by and talk <3

Previous Chapter- Masterlist

The Monday after Tae comes out, Hobi brings home a bouquet of ranunculus for her. A beautiful purple and white pink mess of little perfect ruffled blooms tied the classy way- with lavender ribbon and butcher paper. Hobi makes sure there isn't a bloom out of place.

He’s careful to open the front door gently, mindful of who might be sleeping inside. Everyone had gotten the picture from Yoongi in the group chat earlier; you and Tae curled up on the living room couch, a small nest around you. Tae’s already blond/leaning roots fluffing over the top of your head. Pink at the ends, orange in the middle, and bleached at the base.

Pink dye always did struggle to stay put, same as happiness.

Seeing a picture of her asleep and relaxed was quite honestly a relief compared to how they found her this morning.

Tae doesn’t hear Hobi at the door, but she’s biting at her nails. The gel polish already chipped off- not just chipped, but torn off in a fit of fear this morning.

That was how Jin had found her, his pack omega senses tingling that one of his pack was in distress, knocking on the bathroom door once, then twice answered only with a whine before he'd jiggled the knob and threatened to have Jungkook break it down unless she would open it.

She'd tried to hide her hands when they did, but the evidence was too much. She’d picked off the nail polish furiously, scrubbing her hands raw to try and get off the bits she couldn't, peeling off bits of her natural nails in a fury. Leaving her nailbeds bloody and raw.

It's funny, the things that have the potential to make you the happiest can also make you feel like you're dying. It was still too much, too much imperfect in the mirror when she looked. Her perfect nails, attached to Manish's hands. Like a maggot in a salad, a worm in an apple.

If she can’t be a woman in the right ways, what’s the point?

Some bits of her soul are too sensitive to wear to work where anyone might see, where anyone might comment. Better- to save her most treasured inches for just the people who love her. Better to hide than risk it.

Thank god Jimin had already left for work for an early schedule at a music show otherwise he might not have been able to handle the sight of Tae with her Eyelashes wet and red flecks on the floor. Jimin wouldn't have been able to leave her and go to work- the whole pack had found it difficult, had found it tollerable only because you and yoongi promised that you’d baby her and stay with her.

Tae’s guilty eyes were almost too much for them to bear. The whole pack had elected that yes, coming out did warrant a mental health day after Tae calmed down.

It’s a testament to the skill of your and Yoongi’s fussing that Tae’s still in her pj’s with you curled around her, sleeping away the afternoon. There is the faint scent of baking things all around, probably from a cooking project that you’d roped her into in an effort to make her feel better.

(There will be chocolate chip cookies and angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream for dessert tonight. You'd made sure to stay close to Tae all morning and give her something to do that wasn't makeup or girl things. You can't heal a wound you keep touching.

That's a trick you learned from Yoongi. How many mornings had he dragged you to some part of the house to strip paint or take off carpet tacks? Doing something with the hands helps distract from the aches of the heart, and by the end of it she at least didn't smell so sad so you count it as a win.)

You’re both still surrounded by pink, the color that’s been your constant companion. The pink blanket and a few cuddly long pillows are new; Fresh courting gifts from Namjoon to make sure you had enough nesting materials for making the pink nests.

But it doesn't look like it's exactly working. Tae's awake, blinking slowly but not sleeping. Tae looks like she’s rebottled her soul again and hidden it away for later like someone might save leftovers.

As quickly as her male persona has gone it’s come back again, carefully contained by the grey sweater and Jimin's sweatpants that hang off Tae’s form even though she’s supposed to be larger than Jimin, isn’t she? Something about this Tae looks small and worn. Empty in a way that Hobi's not used to seeing, someone like Tae who is always so full of life and stories and love.

How is it possible that Hobi can see it now? When he hadn’t known Tae’s mask existed? he wonders how it's only taken 3 days for them to get used to seeing that delicate smile on Tae's face, seeing her happy. The sudden reappearance of the hardened edge of her jaw makes something bitter rise at the back of his throat.

There's something restless in her like a hummingbird’s heart too, anxious and fluttering but so tired. Her eyelashes are pressed to her cheek as she blinks slowly down at you in her lap like even that action makes her tired. Her cheek lays on the back of the couch, and her body's gone limp.

Tae looks gray, not like the color but like the feeling, his- no- her face drawn into a frown as she thinks something looking down at you. Your chest moves evenly, you where probably curled around tae’s stomach before she sat up, she sits now with your head in her lap and your tiny hand clasped around one of Tae’s thumbs.

(This isn’t the first time that Hobi’s brain has unintentionally fucked up Tae’s pronouns although thankfully his mistake has never left his throat. Hobi has been taking great care to train his brain in the right way for Tae the same way someone might train a vining rose in a garden. Occasionally a color still blooms on Tae’s rosebush that Hobi snips off before it can bloom into words. Hobi will only ever use her pronouns, only pink roses and not blue ones bloom in Hobi’s mind when he thinks of Tae).

Hobi's windbreaker must rustle because Tae looks up, her dark eyelashes fluttering like butterfly wings, making a quiet noise when she sees him standing there holding the bouquet. Her eyes go wide, warming.

“Are those for me?” she asks in a hush. The bouquet in his hands feels heavier when he offers them to her over the back of the couch, lowering them so she can press her face into them.

“Of course, they are.” Pink flowers for my pink girl Hobi doesn’t say because Tae makes him shy sometimes. In the way that other alphas and women have always made Hobi shy, maybe because he knew he liked them first. Curse him for not liking one or the other- alphas or omegas, women or men. It’s always been his downfall.

He never expected knowing what women like would come in handy after his last pack (although exceptions could be made maybe for you). He’d been a little nervous picking these out today. The flowers are not the day-olds or the ones picked too early that might never bloom but from the flower shop's actual inventory. Snagging the nicer flowers from the shop is something that the other employees do on anniversaries and special occasions.

This is a special occasion, the first Monday that Tae’s ever lived as a girl. Every day when they get to love Tae now as she chooses, in the way that she needs is a special occasion in Hobi’s mind. But he feels more like a schoolboy than he does a packmate, Tae’s face unreadable as she looks at them.

He and Tae have known each other for years, they’ve been friends for years and lovers for just as long.

This shouldn’t feel new, but it does. This shouldn't feel scary, but it is.

Handing over the flowers and watching Tae’s face as she bends to sniff them, Hobi’s pulse jumps, his narrow knee bumping against the back of the couch as he fidgets. The flowers are inarguably beautiful, their many petals overlapping like the edge of a ruffled skirt.

(that was the reason why Hobi chose them; the ruffles of the flowers similar to the alexander McQueen skirt that Jimin had Tae unbox the night before. He’d even convinced her to try it on, and everyone had been substantially pink-cheeked and flustered to see Tae bounce around in a skirt with you for an hour during dinner (You'd put one on too of course because if she was gonna wear one then, of course, you had to be matching).

The white ends of the petals are tinged with pink, the start of their final color. Will they fade and dry? Or rot and fall apart? Only time will tell.

“I thought you could put them in your library room I thought-” Hobi breaks off, looking at Tae like he might cry, I just want you to be okay and I know that you're not, that this is more difficult than you’ve let on. Just lean on me, please lean on me.

Tae’s fingers tease at the flowers oblivious to the rabid hope rocking through her packmate. The frustration and futility of wanting to help someone who might not want to accept your help.

Her nail beds are all rubbed raw and crusted with blood in places, maybe Hobi's not as worried about that because Yoongi's always been the type to do the same. Still, Jin had given her a thorough scolding and carefully removed the rest at Tae’s request, even though it had broken his heart a little bit to do it. Tae's hands are too precious for so much self-directed violence.

Tae’s eyes hold more of that self-directed violence now.

Hobi wonders what Jimin is going to say when he comes home tonight. It's not that they'd intentionally kept Tae's (mini episode? Mini breakdown?) from him. But Tae had asked them not to tell Jimin, wretched little gasps of “don’t tell him, please don’t tell him, I don’t want him to make a fuss, Please- I don’t want to disappoint him.”

And as much as they hate to admit it, Jimin has the habit of letting everything drop for Tae. Jimin would have left work without telling anyone the second he read a text like that. even if they'd put it kindly, "Tae had a rough morning."

But still, someone must have spilled to him, either you or Yoongi (Hobi's betting on you) because the group chat’s been lighting up with texts from Jimin all day. Selfies from Minnie and one of the boys he guards, the one he smokes with. Another picture of the pink lights from backstage, Rows of pink suits for the group's most recent concept. Every time Jimin sees the color pink he's going to think of her now.

There's no way he won't notice the nail polish when he comes home.

“I should have gotten you peonies or maybe roses, but I looked at these and I thought-” Hobi breaks off, coming around the couch to sit next to both of you so that Tae doesn’t have to move too much and risk waking you. Sitting down gently to not wake you. Still asleep and oblivious to the obvious shift in the air.

“I thought you might want to figure out your favorite flower,” Tae’s smile is tentative but genuine, and she holds them better to her chest taking care not to crush them but still holding them like they might impart some beauty onto her.

“You mean you’re gonna buy me flowers again?”

Hobi holds Tae's hand loosely circling the bouquet, voice hushed and throaty in the quiet. “Aren't boyfriends supposed to buy their girlfriends flowers without them having to ask for them?”

Tae blinks quickly, and she shuffles, pulling herself closer to Hobi, and the other alpha pulls her head to rest on his shoulder. Tae looks like this house is breaking her, the dysphoria rocks through her so violently that she shakes while Hobi holds her. The word girlfriend, the word she’s always wanted to be called, is now akin to a curse. At least today. Tae hopes Hobi will call her that again on a day when she’s not feeling so…unworthy of it.

Tae shivers like her body doesn't fit her soul. Does she need to go somewhere else tonight? Is it this house or just her body that’s crushing her right now? Hobi hates tiptoeing around the issue. Dysphoria is heavy, is this what it looks like? Is this what the pack has to fear going forward?

Hobi cups Tae’s cheek, and she leans into it. “Can I steal you away for a bit? like some princess in a castle? Can we go somewhere, Tae? I'm worried about you." Hobi pauses and hesitates. "I'm worried you want to go back to when we didn’t know.”

Tae huffs a bitter laugh (because leave it to Hobi to conjure up the exact problem afoot). It’s not that the last few days haven’t been the best of her life it’s just- the realities of her life had hit her dead in the face this morning when she’d woken up. The unavoidable facts of what she wanted and yet felt so terrified to do.

Going to work with even just a hint of her preferred presentation on her isn't safe, to surrender herself to the opinions of others without the safety net of her pack isn’t safe. She doesn’t want to be misgendered, she doesn’t want to put on her stuffy suit and pretend again, and yet- nothing else feels okay.

Tae isn't used to being uncomfortable and unsafe at the same time. She wonders how you handled it for years, maybe there are some things about womanhood you can't teach.

(There aren't Tae, my sweet thing. Just wait a bit, the secret is that there's no rush. Just give yourself some time. Hardens take time to grow in right, Rome wasn't built in a day, and works of art take years to create. No trans person ever passed perfectly at the beginning).

Her laugh is such a masculine sound that it makes Hobi ache and Tae flinch. How many times did Tae feel this way and hide it? How many times did Hobi inadvertently make her feel like she couldn’t be happy if she wanted to still be loved? It’s the same thoughts that’ve kept them all awake the last few nights. Brainstorming ideas of how to assist in Tae’s transition just a little, even though she’s not transitioning. Not yet, because she's not ready.

What if I want you all to forget about everything that's happened in the last 3 days, would you? Would you Hobi? If I asked you to make loving me easy but less real? Would you?

You make a noise, stretching like a cat and Tae’s focus goes from the flowers and Hobi, down to you in her lap. Her hand goes from your thumb to the side of your cheek and through your hair petting over it gently. Listlessly. The thing that was restless in her quiet now that you're awake.

Hobi looks down at you and once again, feels that mixture of abject jealousy and understanding. It’s a little too similar to how he felt at the beginning not to leave a bitter taste in his mouth.

How is it that you always make him jealous in one way or another? First for being the person that Yoongi loves, and now for being the only person in the universe that can love Tae in the right way.

Maybe one day you'll get easier to be around without Hobi wanting, maybe oneday things won’t feel so fraught.

You’re still half asleep, but you recognize Tae’s touch, even more when it ends. Your omega brain must not register Hobi as a threat because your throat wraps around a noise building and bubbling up to a chirp, small and needy.

Omega chirps are meant to summon their alphas to them, biologically- they’re supposed to set alphas on edge and trigger the part of their brain that drives them to protect and provide.

Setting Hobi on edge is exactly what it does, something in him heats hearing that noise and it warms further when Tae instantly restarts her petting, panicked nearly. You let out a smaller, less needy chirp.

Tae doesn’t look bothered by it, fingers digging into your scalp tempting a pur from your throat. “Needy little thing.” She murmurs, a little louder than she and Hobi were talking before, trying to draw you out of your drowsiness with a well-placed touch to your mating mark.

You turn into the touch, blinking against the light, and a smile stretches across your face like a cat in the sun and then, falls heavy like a tree in December when you see Hobi staring down at you too. There must be something in his face that tips you off.

Hobi swallows back everything he wants to say, willing his heart and his scent into something manageable. Damn his stupid instincts and the proximity that you’re used to now. If we didn’t live together, it might be easier. But Hobi’s instincts still recognize you as both an omega that he cohabitates with and one in his pack. It’s his instincts and only his instincts, that have his pulse jumping when you look up at him. Your scent dips and then evens out after a second too.

“We’re gonna go to the beach for a little bit, for a walk.” Hobi’s hand hovers on Tae’s knee, inches from your head on her lap, your cheek smushed against her thigh. You yawn, flashing those pretty little teeth that made those pretty little marks on Yoongi’s hip.

We were starting to be friends before this weekend, weren’t we? Wasn’t that okay? And then on the other side of things, should I really be the one to make the first step here? Am I really the one who needs to make amends and apologize?

Hobi takes a deep breath, forgetting every shouldn’t and couldn’t and can’t that clogs the air between you. "Want to join?”

You sit up, your mate’s shirt falling off your shoulder (God that feels weird to think about it in his head) “sure, just let me get some sunscreen!”

a skincare routine is just another thing that Jin has insisted upon in your new list of rules, and Hobi watches as you dot it along Tae’s cheeks and blend it out, her smile looking a little less paper thin. Hobi even tolerates you dotting the rest onto his cheek. he rubs it in stubbornly and probably less than he should.

Neither of you bothers to change out of your comfy pj's, your purple sweatpants, and Tae's black ones pinched at the ankles.

All of the emotions for the day have already been said, and all of the feelings cannot be poured over or articulated anymore. No- for now you just have to feel them.

Nothing is better for sorting through your feelings than a good long walk.

The ocean is grey, the same way that Tae is grey today. The water is all seafoam and green, churned up by the oncoming storm. Even the Ferris wheel's lights are dim in the distance, shrouded in moisture and low clouds. If it rains you’ll go back to the car, but Hobi checks his phone before you leave to make sure you won’t get caught.

The ocean spray picks up your hair, making it fly this way and that. It does the same to Tae’s until you clip it back with bobby pins. You don’t usually keep them on hand but since Saturday's haircut. You’ve learned to keep them on your sleeve for her. Tae keeps a hair tie on her wrist for you too and eventually you switch- pinning and tying away your baby hairs so that the wind doesn't put them in your eyes.

She lags back, letting the salt and the ocean air tear the last bit of sadness from her as she watches you and Hobi. Your paces slow and zig-zag with the oncoming waves. Hobi’s narrow khakis rolled up to his ankles and his shoes in his hands. It’s not an enforced separation; A quarter mile back Tae and Hobi had to wait for you to catch up after you’d gotten preoccupied watching a starfish in a tidepool.

A bit of greasy bedrock pokes up through the sand. You bob back and forth from each other, walking together sometimes and walking separately.

Hobi’s a little worried about getting his shoes wet, but you dart after the waves like a little kid, searching for sea spoils and Sea glass among the refuse. A tiny purple shell smaller than a grain of sand that's so cute you drop back to show Tae. A handful of milky sea glass and green chunks. Substantially Delighted.

Your pants don’t have pockets but Hobi’s do. And after you almost drop your spoils, shrieking trying to avoid the cold water, he extends a hand for them.

He keeps your tiny treasures safe for you, Jingling in one pocket and then the other when you fill the first up. Turning them so heavy and salt-soggy that Hobi has to pause to re-tie his pants tighter.

He grumbles, but his scent is sweet on the wind, Yours is too. Tae’s is the only one that still smells bitter and it’s easily eased away when you grab her hand and just walk.

You don’t force Tae to talk, babbling on and on about how you never did this as a little kid (coney island doesn’t count). Nearly screeching in delight when Hobi finds himself ankle-deep in the water, sleeve dampening as he plunges his hand into the ocean and draws back a tiny tiny shark tooth. You don’t know how he spotted something so small in the receding waves, and your thirst for treasure is reignited when he stoops to show you.

“Hobi’s the best at finding things” Tae comments, and the compliment summons a faint blush to the alpha’s cheeks. But you take it as a form of competition jumping up on the rocks in favor of searching the cracks and crevices for hidden treasures, your mind swimming with the idea of fanciful things like pearls and pirates' treasure.

Your shoes aren’t the best, Hobi’s eyes stay fixed on them as you balance and scamper across the rocks. The crevasses are deep and he can walk on the sand in places and still stay somewhat close to you. If Jungkook were here right now he'd be right alongside you exploring. Probably balancing on the narrow edge of the peek.

You’re never very agile, always prone to tottling and bumping into things. Hobi’s noticed it’s in your nature to be clumsy, and it sets him on edge to see you act with such blatant disregard for your own abilities. He follows you, balancing on a piece of driftwood before he thumps back against the wet sand.

Sue him, he’s an alpha.

He’s also your alpha, that’s something he conveniently prefers to ignore most of the time. Even as he watches the waves crash, watches you as you move, sleeve catching on a rock, your shoe- those fucking combat boots that Yoongi got you for your date that have stretched and don’t fit your feet as well as they once did. He watches as they stay on the rocks.

And then when they find a patch of slick green stone, damp from the crashing waves and reseeding tide.

“Pup!”

Hobi’s hands find your waist a second before you really start to fall, saving you from plummeting down to where the ocean crashes against the sand. It’s not deep water or farther than you are tall- but still.

The sight of you falling through the air has Hobi’s heart pounding like a bird against his ribs and The panic has him gripping underneath your ribcage and pulling you to his chest where his instincts are screaming at him. Your heart beats rapidly against his fingertips. Thudding blood against his fingers.

Hobi’s always been strong- not just because he regularly unloads tractor trailers worth of topsoil at work but because he’s an alpha too. He uses that strength to haul you back onto the sand. His own brain screeching panic.

He sets you down rougher than he should. Holding you by your waist. “You have to be more careful! Jesus fucking christ-” his hair falls over his face, a little wet from the sea spray and it takes you a second to register the pure panic in his eyes, the fear there.

It takes you another second to register that he’s still holding your waist, a second more than he should a little higher than is proper.

He lets you go only when your boots are on the sand and not balancing on the rocks. Gripping your shoulders instead and giving you a little shake. “Would it kill you to just be more careful!? You can’t do things like that- you can't-"

“I’m- I-“ you stutter.

He sighs, taking a singular deep breath to calm himself down, setting his hand on your sea spray-damp hair, ruffling it hard and with force- like that will keep you stationary instead of wandering off to somewhere you could get hurt.

Hobi tries to school his face into something stony but his lower lip trembles and betrays him. “It’s fine, just watch where you’re stepping. Namjoon and Jin would never forgive me if you came home with a skinned knee or bruises or-”

Tae snorts, blinking at the two of you when you turn, both of you suddenly remember that you have an audience, a witness. Stepping apart when you register Tae watching the both of you. Though you hadn’t realized you’d been standing so close to Hobi, close enough to scent him.

“That's not exactly true. If something happened, no one would blame you.” She falls into step beside you, her hand brushing across your shoulder to verify that you’re okay. Tae pushes your hair back from your face and Hobi realizes the excuses are flimsy and just that; excuses.

“Fine, fuck it, jump into the ocean for all I care- Jin’s the one you’ll have to contend with if you come home with a cold.”

He walks off in a huff, but you and Tae stay close behind. And Hobi makes sure he’s never more than a few feet in front of you, watching you in his peripheries, making sure you don't go too close to the shore or rocks again. Moving with you the same way that sand and seashells move by the ocean’s pull, the same way that the water follows the moon, listlessly reaching.

Hobi pretends his hands aren’t tinglingly with the memory of what it felt like to cup your waist, how slight you felt underneath his hands when he lifted you, and you pretend that it’s the cold wind that’s bitten a blush onto your cheeks and not the touch of an alpha.

Perhaps the only one that you’re not allowed to want. To think about. To dream of.

Tae raises her eyebrows at you wordlessly and you shake your head before you walk a little faster, your short legs struggling to put your pace ahead of hers so that you can hide your blush from her too.

Hobi remembers that slight feeling, how lifting you hardly felt like lifting anything at all. Now I understand why the others fuss over your weight so much, fucking hell-

Eventually, through no verbal discussion, you stop looking down at your feet, and Hobi’s zigzag path points towards the boardwalk. Your steps get uneven in the loose sand the closer you get and both of you pause so that Hobi can wash his feet off before he puts his sneakers back on.

There are very very few people in the fast-food place today, though maybe that’s because it’s so late in the afternoon on a weekday or because of the weather, with neither school out nor dinner time shy- it’s not the same one that Hobi took you and Yoongi too that night weeks ago. Just a slightly overpriced shop that feeds the tourists on the boardwalk.

You sit, the only group to occupy the salt-smooth picnic tables, warn from the ocean like driftwood. You sit on Tae’s side of the table while Hobi orders (not before your cold hand catches the edge of his warm sweatshirt and ask to see your ocean haul).

You’re like one part of Tae’s being- smiling at her and giggling with her and making her feel the way they can’t, holding her hand so she doesn’t fall apart while you sort your sea glass by color. hobi watches tae lean in, dotting a kiss at your temple, watches a smile round out your cheeks and tae lean in to bite at them, your giggles echoing off the high metal and the corrugated roof like something musical.

Hobi’s so busy watching you that the person Infront of him advances and picks up their to-go order before he can even look at the menu, distracted by the sight of you two looking some type of way that has his chest aching. It's probably just heartburn. “Can I help you?” Hobi’s gaze darts back.

“Yeah sorry,” he bites his lower lip. “Can I have-“

I never thought I’d learn to love from you.

Hobi gets two plates of fried dough and a small order of french fries with cheese just because. And when he takes them back to the two of you, you share bites from the same fork. Your cheeks quickly speckled with powdered sugar and Hobi’s fingertips turn greasy. Hobi holds the fork out, careful to keep his palm balanced against Tae's chin so that the powdered sugar doesn't get everywhere, then he feeds you just the same.

Jin is probably going to kill the three of you when he finds out you spoiled your dinner with something sweet. But somehow, when he sees the smile warming Tae’s cheeks at the first bite of fried dough, Hobi knows Jin won’t really care. You’re eating and Tae’s happy. And somehow that’s all that matters.

Hobi got an extra-large lemonade for the free refills and the three of you pass it back and forth, none of you bothering with different straws. Hell, Hobi’s pretty sure he’s gotten indirect kisses from you countless times before, either by kissing Yoongi or Jin or Namjoon or any of them really.

And that fact isn’t lost on him when he presses the fork to his mouth, or when he tastes sweet sips after you. He’s just not sure why it matters now, why he’s watching your lips wrap around the straw. His Brain preoccupied with it for some fucking reason.

(Alphas are driven biologically to want omegas, it’s just biology, that’s what Hobi tells himself when he watches you sip the lemonade his lips have touched).

He remembers Namjoon’s words the night before last, bodies tangled sweetly while they talked it out. Before the girl day, before he’d woken up and made pancakes with you. Before any of it; he'd curled up between the pack alpha and omega, shivering at every brush of Jin's hand through his hair, a little touch starved as always but so willing to be on the receiving end of some cuddling.

“Of course, I’m upset that they weren’t honest with us, but at least now we know that they won’t leave. We always knew they were a package deal, and now we have a reason why.”

Maybe a month ago, Hobi would have been mad at Namjoon for saying that, but relationships like this are a careful balance of mutual trust, love, and understanding. Hobi understands the pack alpha if nothing less. Hobi has a reason now, and a reason is more than enough for most people.

Hobi wonders why part of him felt relieved when he said that. Why the fact that you might not ever leave- that you might be tethered to Yoongi and therefore them forever might feel like a good thing even if Hobi would never admit it out loud.

You ask to see the shark tooth and he obliges you, your fingertips grainy with powdered sugar when they scrape against his palm, leaving his skin tingling. You've organized your spiral shells first, your chunks of sea glass in color order from ocean blue to gauzy white, leaving the small little lopsided shark tooth for last at the middle of the table where it won’t get lost.

Tae doodles on a napkin, always with a pen at the ready. At least that hasn’t changed (maybe nothing has). When you stand up, your collection is returned to Hobi’s pocket and you get up to put away their trays, totting off.

They get up too, and while putting on his jacket Hobi jumps, feeling hands on his ass as Tae slides the napkin with what was written into Hobi’s pack pocket, it triggers a string of giggles even more when Tae pats it and Hobi jumps. Her smile makes a reappearance, just as sweet for Hobi as it was for you.

“For later, for a thank you.” She says, pressing a slow and sensual kiss to Hobi’s mouth, pecking it carefully and with intention. Hoping that Hobi can feel every bit of thankfulness and love in the kiss.

“For a thank you.” She repeats.

It's started to drizzle while you've been eating, not enough to be called rain but enough for Hobi to put up his hood. You walk back and the way feels longer now that your stomachs are all full. Your cheeks turn tacky with the mist and Tae starts to feel vaguely sick in an overfull way the closer and closer you get to the car. In companionable quiet you walk, Tae’s hand clasped in yours, and Tae’s other clasped in Hobi’s just as tenderly.

Just as you get to it, Hobi’s phone rings and lights with Yoongi’s name. He takes the call outside, unlocking the door so you can get into the car and out of the rain.

He’d sent a text to the beta to let him know where they were going but He’s not surprised that Yoongi thought to call when it got late. The lights of the shops are just beginning to shine neon, probably triggered by the lack of light from the overhead clouds, on earlier than usual.

Yoongi's voice is measured, there's something in the back of it. Something thick like worry. “Hey, are you going to be back soon?”

“Yeah, we’re just getting on the road now.”

Yoongi sounds like he wants to say something, his voice has that odd lilt to it, the kind it gets when too much emotion is filling up his head, some of his ocean sadness left to spill out. If Hobi closes his eyes he can almost pretend that he’s right next to him. Yoongi has always smelled like the ocean, like sea salt and chocolate when he's happy, and just the sea when he's stormy and brooding.

He's almost panicked when he asks it, hope in his voice the way it always is when he talks of you. “Are they okay? Did they have fun by the water?”

“Yeah, they’re okay- I’ve” Hobi watches the two of you in the car, you pass a piece of sea glass to Tae in the front seat, and her smiling at you, saying something that has you laughing loud. “I’ve got her.”

“Listen, there's something. A reason why I’ve called.” The shells in Hobi’s pocket jingle as he leans up against the car. Fingers drumming against the hood. One of you hits the roof back in reply and when Hobi pulls back he finds tae grinning up at him.

“You’ve never called without a reason before.” He teases, but Yoongi’s voice only goes more serious in reply.

“Hoseok,” Hobi swallows at the sound of his full name.

“We’re at the hospital. Jungkook had another seizure.”

~-~

“I swear if you don’t stop your fucking fussing, I’m going to get up and start doing burpees, I’m absolutely fine hyung.”

The little heart sticker on Jungkook’s index finger hasn’t started to chip, and it flashes like a tiny fleck of blood when he taps them against the papery sheets, his own clothes folded at the foot of the bed, leaning forward so Namjoon can get at his back with his stethoscope through the hospital gown.

You've never seen Jungkook like this, never seen him connected to so many machines, or seen him as anything other than kookie- the strong omega. He's had seizures in front of you before, but never one that required him to be taken to the hospital. You stay close to Tae and Jimin, your mate close to jungkook by necessity. The closer he stays with his scent the faster Jungkook's recovery will be.

“I thought I felt one coming on so I just started stretching like you told me. I’m like 99.9% certain that I didn’t fall or hit my head. Jin-hyung I’m fine just-”

“Bullshit Kookie, you were down for a whole 6 minutes pup” Jin bikers. Hobi and Jimin fidget, and Namjoon sighs, putting away his stethoscope after listening to Jungkook’s breathing for the 4th time. Although it's hard when he insists on speaking through it. He checks the pup’s pupils again, but there’s nothing. Nothing at all abnormal.

The small hospital room is crowded with the whole pack, a whole mess of tangled scents. For as good as you all smell when you’re happy when that's not the case you smell god awful. Ocean and rain from you and Yoongi, spoiled milk and rotten flowers from Jin and Jungkook as well as the anti-seizure medication that turns Jungkook’s scent a little bit murkier and medical just like Hobi's artificial-smelling caramel burnt sugar. Tae smells like pepper and Jimin like gunpowder.

It sets Namjoon on edge. The pack waits on his words. His own scent isn’t exactly the most pleasant or the most comforting. Tangled with the smell of dying people and Namjoon’s sadness barely leashed by the blocker spray. He gets up, head spinning and grabbing Jungkook’s chart, checking it over again searching for something to justify the lurching in his stomach, the helplessness that always hits him.

Although doctors are explicitly forbidden from operating on packmates, Namjoon’s fellow attending neurosurgeon is only in his first year at the hospital, and Namjoon’s judgment as a neurosurgeon and pack alpha will be final seeing as the head of neurosurgery has taken the night off. And it’s not like anyone but Namjoon could know Jungkook’s health better, not when he’s spent the last 5 years at this hospital and the last 4 loving him.

The pack waits, quiet. Yoongi holds Jungkook’s hands on the bedspread, Jin crosses his arms. “As much as I hate to admit it, there is nothing here that indicates risk for another episode or a need for overnight observation.”

“Episode.” Jungkook rolls his eyes. Namjoon closes the chart, putting the pen in his pocket and evading Jin’s gaze in favor of Jungkook’s. He doesn’t like when doctors ignore him in favor of talking to the rest of the pack, even if that doctor also happens to be his pack alpha. “I’m going to go get your discharge papers but don’t leave yet. I’m coming home with you.”

Namjoon leaves because the sooner he does the sooner he can come home. The sooner this day can be put to bed and Jungkook can go back to being his happy-go-lucky self. Not exactly healthy, But healthy just enough to be free.

Namjoon dreads the day that he isn't.

He knows that a part of Jungkook will fade and die that day. And it has him itching to pour over the medical literature again just in the hope of finding something he might have missed the first or second or third time he studied the same papers. Something that might help Jungkook and make it all feel less futile.

A pair of footsteps join him, light and delicate. You follow Namjoon when he leaves the room because Jungkook has more than enough people fussing over him right now, and as much as you hate to admit it, there's nothing you can do to make it better.

You still don’t like hospitals, and your last run-in has left you with a stronger distaste for them. Namjoon notices you come out after him, standing there in the sterile white hallway. After a moment of braving the tangle of overhead announcements and rushing nurses, he pulls you in for a hug. You squeeze the pack alpha hard around his waist as hard as you can and it forces a tired laugh from the alpha's chest.

He looks down at you, and you think his eyes might be suspiciously wet. “You know, things have been so busy these last few days I completely forgot to tell you that we missed your last appointment.”

You whine pressing your face harder into his shirt. Scenting him to try and calm him down, to comfort your alpha. “We should miss the next one too.”

Namjoon sighs, and you pull back watching your pack alpha rub his tired eyes. “God, I fucking hate it here. I’ve been working so much I feel like I've been letting everything lapse,”

He freezes as if realizing that he's talking to you and not Jin, not the packmate that he usually unloads his worries on. But you just keep rubbing your face against his chest, scenting him until he relaxes again. “It's not your fault Joonie, it hasn't been the most routine week.” Yeah, but I’m the one who's supposed to be there when you all have a tough week, He thinks but doesn’t say.

You follow him to the charting station like a little duckling and Namjoon doesn’t growl or comment to any of his coworkers as their gaze follows you. Namjoon continues to fill out his last chart, eyebrows continuing to furrow, closing out and clocking out. Letting his feelings of inadequacy go because he knows they aren’t helpful.

Your fingers balance on the edge of the station tapping. Staying behind it because if you see the screen then that’s a HIPPA violation and that’s the last thing Namjoon needs to deal with right now. Namjoon watches as two of the nurses lean in close to mutter something at each other, gaze flickering to you then Namjoon, straightening up when they’re caught looking.

(He's entirely unaware that the whole hospital has been buzzing with the news of the hot doctor's newest packmate since your last visit, that there has been all manner of rumors spread about you. "I hear she was a model; I hear she's already mated to someone in the pack."

"What? thats so quick! It can't be Dr. Kim? Can it?"

"You act like you've even got a chance, have you ever seen his pack omega? he looks like he walked off the front page of vogue. If I had to bet money on it I'd say the red-haired alpha.")

He steps a little closer to you. Their eyes are on the screen in front of him but he’s not paying attention to it at all. “I could have sworn there was something else I was forgetting.”

You wait, perched on the edge of his little digital documentation station, fingers curled over the sides. You realize it the same moment he does, your eyes lighting up at the same time, first in recognition and then in horror. The memory, weeks ago, Namjoon, his lips on your knuckles. murmuring against your skin, “I’d like the chance to take you out on a date, just the two of us.”

You shoot up, rocking back and forth on your heels, “Fuck, weren’t we supposed to go on a date!?”

Namjoon puts his head in his hands and groans.

~-~

Just before midnight, Jungkook is carefully guided from the hospital and into Namjoon’s car, he tries to protest against the wheelchair but it's necessary given how dizzy he gets. On the way home, you and Tae go in Hobi’s car Yoongi takes the driver's seat. Jungkook and Jimin are in the other car with the pack alpha and omega because none of them had wanted to risk being separated from him for long. Namjoon leaves his car only because Yoongi promises to pick him up the next morning.

Sitting down, Hobi hears and feels the crumple of the napkin in his back pocket. Fishing it out after a moment while you and Tae buckle in. Yoongi backs out of the parking spot, hand on the back of Hobi's Headrest.

Your scents are gentle and mellow on account of how tired all of you are. In the other car Jin and Namjoon talk. "We should really get a Tahoe or something for all of us, so that we don't have to split up into separate cars." Namjoon hums, agreeing in the quiet. “Are we really a minivan type of pack though?”

It’s a poem, just a short one written in Tae’s familiar scrawl. Hobi straightens because no one gets to read Tae’s poetry, not more than a line or two of it. And to be given one is something else- something new. He reads it by the passing streetlights, cutting across the napkin yellow and lovely in the night quiet.

let’s walk along the beach and see what we find To words unspoken, and dark whispers made kind. Hungry mouths found pointing to safer shores To the purple roof on the corner, where we feast on fried dough.

We’ll stop when you get tired, and you’ll stop when I get bored. our pockets full of your tiny treasures Sea glass, shark tooth, Bobby pin. (Sunshine, smile, Kiss).

It’s the last stanza that takes Hobi’s breath away, making it come in little stutters.

My heart next to your heart Lay your soul down beside mine. And if you should get lonely For a hand that understands You can take mine, put it in your pocket and get lost among the sand.

Hobi’s heart is in his throat your name on his tongue tastes like something Hobi never should have gotten the chance to taste. But when he looks up, he finds Tae’s watching him reflected in the mirror. Eyes Dark as pirate glass and twice as discerning. Watchful. Like There isn’t a thing that goes on in the pack that Tae doesn’t already know about; Including the nature of Hobi's heart.

When you fell, Hobi could feel your heartbeat. Thudding against his hands. there's no way that Tae could know that and yet-

Tae knows something that Hobi doesn’t, even if she won’t say it yet. You’re starting to love her, aren’t you? I wish you knew it was okay, I wish you knew I think she’s falling in love with you too. But Tae knows that Hobi would deny it, categorically, and that voicing her suspicions might only alienate the two of you.

So, she stays silent and holds your hand on the seat. Holds your hand harder when you start to nod off a little. because she’s your alpha, she’s here for you, the same way Hobi is.

Hobi folds the poem carefully, puts it in his wallet right next to your train ticket. Then he turns the radio to your favorite song and doesn’t say a fucking word for the rest of the ride home.

~-~

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