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cinnamostar · 5 months

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01: self-fulfilling prophecy

part two.

pairing : jisung x gn!reader

summary : han jisung, the man who is incapable of maintaining a relationship for more than a few months. han jisung, the man who is in complete denial that maybe he is the problem. han jisung, the man who has convinced himself he isn’t meant for love.

wc : 8.5k

cw : not proof read, nonidol!au, alcohol/drinking, sadness, angst, arguing, cursing, some cute stuff. plz let me know if i missed anything.

a/n : likes, reblogs, and feedback is much appreciated!! not too confident on this one because idk, i feel like the dialogue isn’t well executed, but let me know what you think. please enjoy!

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Jisung didn’t exactly have the best track record when it came to romance. He never did anything exceedingly horrendous, he always remained faithful in each relationship he had, but they never lasted long. He simply didn’t know how to be a good partner, always too focused on his own needs to the point that his selfishness turned into emotional neglect for the other.

It’s not that he didn’t like the people he dated. He genuinely adored them for who they were, yet he always found himself heartbroken and confused at the end of each relationship when they would all voice the same exact reasonings on why they were ending it.

“I just don’t feel like you care about my feelings.”

“It feels like you don’t even like me enough to put in the effort to make this work.”

“I don’t feel like a priority in your life.”

“I swear you forget we’re even in a relationship.”

“You’re too focused on yourself and everything else to even make time for me.”

Like clockwork, a few months would pass by and his partner would sit him down for the break up talk. It was exhausting. He was clueless, not having any idea what he was doing so wrong even though he would always receive a list of reasons each time. In his eyes, he was doing the best he could, but perhaps his best was not enough.

Of course he cared for their feelings! Of course he liked them, he could’ve sworn he was doing his damnedest. Not a priority? That was ridiculous, he always made time to spend with his partner during the week despite his busy schedule. Forget? Nonsense! Too focused on himself? Well, of course he was focused on pursuing his music career which required long hours at the studio, why would he want to be with someone who didn’t support his endeavors? They knew what they were getting into when they met him!

It made zero sense to Jisung. At some point, he had given up on love altogether. Maybe he just wasn’t meant for it, maybe relationships were just not his thing. Clearly, he was doing something wrong and he decided that maybe hook up culture was just where he belonged.

What Jisung failed to realize was that he was forcing his own ideals of a relationship onto his partners. The idea that people had different needs and perceptions on how relationships should function never dawned on him. He never thought to consider what the other person wanted and had simply assumed they would be content with whatever he had to offer.

He forgot that some people needed more reassurance. He forgot some people wanted to go on actual dates, not everyone considered a night in a date, especially if every date was a night in. He forgot that some people didn’t just want to sit in a room with him while he was on his phone or working on his next project. Sometimes people wanted his undivided attention. Sometimes people wanted to be able to hold a conversation with him. Sometimes people needed more communication because quite frankly, three texts a day didn’t quite cut it for most people.

Yet, Jisung was too absorbed in his own world and his passions to even begin to understand that concept. He absolutely refused to believe he was doing something wrong and that he was just dating the wrong people this whole time. He just hadn’t found the one, right?

Despite that foolish belief he stubbornly held onto, it didn’t mean each instance didn’t take a hit on his ego. After the many failed relationships he had been through, the fear of inadequacy and insecurity began to creep into his mind. Was he not worthy of love? Was he incapable of forming a healthy relationship? Was something wrong with him?

He felt that he had so much love to offer in his heart, but he had no idea what it took to be a good partner. He was too tunnel visioned on producing and music to realize that sometimes, love and relationships required a bit of sacrifice, and that was something he refused to do.

Yet, Jisung wanted to fall in love. Like any other human on earth, he craved to love and be loved, to be understood wordlessly by someone else, but it seemed like love didn’t welcome him with open arms. He desperately wanted to feel like he was needed and wanted, to feel the bubbling shyness and giddiness that only love could give him, but somehow, it seemed that he was the victim of a paradox. Love hated him.

However, Jisung had resigned and accepted defeat. He wasn’t cut out for it. Besides, it’s not like anyone would even bother to give him a chance anymore. After a few failed relationships, people were quick to label him as ‘trash’ and a terrible boyfriend, only good for fun, but definitely nothing more. It was almost as if he had a permanent warning label above his head that scared off anyone who had any remote interest in him.

People talked. And if anyone so much expressed any interest in him, someone would leap in to rescue them from a foreseeable heartbreak, telling them he was no good and a waste of time. Oh, but if you wanted a few nights of fun and to just fool around, he was perfect for that, but never, and absolutely under no circumstances, was he someone to settle down with.

He was the only one to blame for his infamy in the dating scene, but Jisung was suffering from a case of extreme delusion and oblivion. Maybe one day he would lose that self-centered immaturity and have a much needed epiphany, but that day seemed far off in the future.

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For the past week, Jisung had holed himself in his studio, insistent on perfecting his latest track by some arbitrary deadline he had set for himself. This was a regular occurrence that his friends had gotten used to. They would be more surprised if this didn’t happen, but this also meant that they had to pay a visit to his studio every few days and force him to take a break for the sake of his mental and physical health.

Today was one of those days in which Minho came knocking at his door after unlocking the door with the passcode Jisung had given him long ago, reminding him to come by his place later that night for a small party to celebrate his dance troop’s recent competition win. While Jisung was proud of this achievement, part of him felt a tad bit annoyed that he had to interrupt his work schedule for someone else, but Minho was one of his best friends, he at the very least should show up for a bit. He could stay for an hour or two, and hopefully by then everyone would be a little too drunk to notice he had escaped back to his studio.

Jisung sighed as he begrudgingly made his way to Minho’s apartment, dreading the amount of people he would have to socialize with tonight. He was relieved to know that a few familiar faces would be there, such as Hyunjin and Felix, who were also part of the troop, but the team had also gone through auditions recently, meaning there would be people he would have to meet for the first time.

He wasn’t one for befriending strangers, as oftentimes, many of them had a negative impression of him due to his dating history. He hated how every time he introduced himself, as soon as the words “Han Jisung” left his mouth, people’s faces would drop into an unreadable expression, almost as if they were disappointed to finally meet the man who was rumored to be complete and utter trash. It was anxiety-inducing and turned him off from seeking out new friendships because everyone would always say “Oh! Did you used to date my friend?” And at that moment, he knew it was over. They hated him before they even got to know him. As a result, Jisung always felt apprehensive when it came to meeting new people and he much preferred sticking with his small circle of friends.

As Jisung arrived at the front steps of Minho’s apartment, he felt his shoulders tense up with trepidation as he subconsciously bit the inside of his cheek. The party had already started with the music blaring throughout the building, the lights dimmed with colorful LEDs visible from the window. A chorus of joyful cheers followed by the clinking of shot glasses and laughter could be heard from outside, signaling that the party was already in full swing. Jisung let out an uneasy groan, unprepared for what the night would bring, but reassured himself knowing that he only needed to stay for at least an hour before he could retreat back to the safe haven known as his studio.

After a sharp inhale, Jisung put on a fake smile as he opened the door, instantly greeted by a drunken Changbin who was double fisting two beers, wearing a toothy smile.

“Jisung! You made it!”

The last thing Jisung wanted tonight was to be put in the spotlight, which Changbin just unknowingly thrust him into with no warning. Others nearby turned their attention to the front door, some choosing to ignore Jisung’s presence to continue their conversations while others politely waved or called out a quick hello.

Minho shortly appeared in Jisung’s vision, grinning from ear to ear as he pulled him into a one-armed hug, “Glad you showed up, I was worried you forgot!” An airy chuckle escaped Minho as Jisung gasped, feigning a look of betrayal while playfully shoving Minho’s shoulder, “How dare you think I’d forget my best friend’s party? I would never!”

Minho rolled his eyes at Jisung’s gesture before dragging him by his wrist. “Whatever you say, but c’mon! I want you to meet our new members. Plus, you look a little too stiff for my liking,so let's get some drinks in ya first.”

Suddenly, shot glasses filled with tequila were shoved into Jisung’s hand as people egged him on to down them, chasing the two shots with lime and salt to cut through the harshness of the alcohol. A familiar buzz took over his senses, his head feeling lighter than usual as a lopsided smile appeared on his face while the nervousness he felt earlier quickly dissipated.

The bit of liquid courage energized Jisung enough to forget all the now seemingly silly concerns he had earlier as he jumped through the bunches of people, excitedly yapping away as he caught up with friends and introduced himself to new people. Each time he noticed someone cringing at the sound of his name or giving him a dirty look, he would promptly take another shot to rid himself of the anxiety he was feeling, hoping the alcohol would make him just unaware enough of any other glares he would receive from people that night.

Eventually, Jisung made his way to the loft upstairs to take a break from the hectic party below, already feeling a headache coming on. He stumbled his way to the couch, not paying much mind to his surroundings as he plopped himself onto the couch, immediately throwing his head back while shutting his eyes.

“Oh, he definitely overdid it again,” laughed Felix from the left of him, “How many shots did you take?”

Jisung waved his hand as if he was shooing Felix away while mumbling, “Don’t even ask.”

He heard an unfamiliar giggle erupt from the right side of him, causing him to sit straight up with his eyes wide, hastily snapping his head to see who the laugh belonged to, not expecting anyone other than his friends here.

He found himself staring into your eyes that were crinkled from laughing, a lax smile adorning your face as you brought up a hand to hide behind. Your laugh was rich and decadent, almost as sweet as chocolate, and your smile was so refreshing that it instantly roused him from his drunken state the moment his eyes landed on you.

Oh, shit, they’re cute.

Jisung’s inebriated state had caused him to lose all self-awareness because all he could do was gawk at you with enamored eyes, his lips slightly parted as he struggled to find the words to introduce himself. He felt his face flush from embarrassment when you returned his gaze while wearing an expectant expression, patiently waiting for him to finish his sentence.

“I- Oh, uhm, I…”

You had instantly captured his heart with the most saccharine smile he has ever seen and within a few seconds, Jisung was undeniably smitten, but he was also completely making a fool of himself within those same few seconds.

“Jesus christ, Jisung, how drunk are you?” howled Hyunjin, who had gotten up to lightly poke Jisung’s cheek, “Helloooo, earth to Jisung? Anyone home?”

“Dude… Close your mouth before you start drooling over there. I don’t think that’s an image you want Y/N to have during your first meeting,” Seungmin, who was sitting on the floor, mischievously sneered, quickly recognizing Jisung’s speechless state was caused by something more than just alcohol. Jisung shook his head side to side to wake himself from his lovestruck daze, clearing his throat in an attempt to cover up Seungmin’s comment.

“Mm, sorry! I just-,”

Oh, this is bad, he really is making this so much worse for himself. He was now regretting all the shots from earlier as he tripped over his words, his nerves not being of any help. He desperately was trying to say something sensible, but instead, all he could blurt out was,

“Jisung! I’m Jisung… yeah!”

Now it is a lot worse as Jisung cringed at how loud and annoying his voice was, everyone else also seemingly cowering from second hand embarrassment as they watched the scene unfold, but no one was able to peel their eyes away.

Like an angel sent from heaven, Felix decided to have mercy on the brown haired boy, peeking out from behind Jisung to meet your eyes at the other side of the couch. “Y/N, this is our friend Jisung! He makes music with Changbin and Chan. Jisung, this is Y/N. They’re one of our newest members on the team.” God, Jisung could kiss Felix right now from how relieved he was to have alleviated the awkward tension he had just created moments earlier.

You nodded, smiling at Jisung as your eyes lit up in realization, “Oh, Jisung? I’ve heard about you before.”

Ah, there it is. Of course! Of course you have and how stupid of him to think he’d be able to have an untarnished first impression with you and-

“Minho says so many good things about you! He even showed me some of your songs. You’re really talented at what you do, I definitely added a few to my playlist.”

Someone pinch Jisung right now because he must be dreaming, there’s absolutely no way. Is luck finally on his side? Has God finally decided to be oh-so-merciful today? He was on cloud nine as he relished in your compliments, savoring this moment because this may never happen again.

Jisung clicked his teeth as he waved both his hands in front of him with a flustered smile, “Oh, no, no, no, I am not that good! But thank you!” The alcohol was really doing a number on him as he slurred over each syllable, but thankfully he was coherent enough for everyone to understand what he said.

You let out a breathy laugh at his antics while standing from your seat, “Well, it's nice to finally put a face to the name, but I do have to go now, I have to be up early.”

Jisung deflated as everyone wished you good night, feeling disappointed how quickly your first meeting with him ended. Hyunjin stood up, offering to walk you out and once you were out of earshot, Jisung whipped his head to Felix.

“Felix… Who was that? How long have you been hiding them from me?”

Seungmin struggled to contain his laugh, earning a confused look from Jisung, “What are you laughing at?”

“Dude, you. You looked so stupid trying to talk to them.”

Jisung threw himself back into the couch, sinking into the cushions with an embarrassed groan, “Shut up, I know.”

Felix laughed, shooting Jisung a pitiful smile, “You’ve done worse, it’s fine. And no one was hiding them from you, you just never show up when we invite you anywhere. That is your own fault, not ours!” Jisung pouted, cursing himself mentally for rejecting all those plans.

“They’re cool, they’ve been on our team for a few months. Crazy good at dancing too, we are super lucky to have them.”

“Are they dating anyone?”

The room grew quiet at Jisung’s question as Seungmin and Felix looked at each other with uneasiness, unsure how to respond. Hyunjin had come back up the stairs after walking you to your car, just in time to hear Jisung. He let out a heavy sigh, alerting everyone of his presence.

“I… I think it's best if you just leave them alone, Jisung. They’re a really sweet person and you, well…”

“Me what? What do you mean?” Jisung furrowed his eyebrows at Hyunjin as the taller boy struggled to finish his thought.

“Just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Seriously, Jisung? I know you’re wasted right now, but don’t make me say it. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

And he did, he knew that Hyunjin was referring to his dating history, but Jisung felt himself growing angry hearing his friend allude to him being a bad partner, suggesting he would hurt you.

“No, I want to hear you say it,” Jisung spat out, a scowl painted all over his face as he stared down Hyunjin with his arms crossed, who was still standing by the stairs. He felt himself become warm in frustration as all the insecurities he held close to his heart started to bubble up. Did his own friend’s think so poorly of him too?

Felix reached out to put a reassuring hand on Jisung’s shoulder, hoping to defuse the situation, “Let’s not do this right now. You’re still drunk, Jisung.” Jisung shook Felix’s hand off his shoulders, standing up while still glaring at Hyunjin with clenched fists.

“Say it.”

“Jisung-” warned Felix, but he was cut off by Seungmin.

“You’re a shit boyfriend, Jisung. We don’t need you hurting someone we’re friends with again.”

The room was silent as everyone now stared at Seungmin with wide eyes, startled at how blunt he was being. Jisung didn’t know what he was feeling as a flash of rage took over his body, but at the same time, he felt his heart drop hearing those words come out of his own friend’s mouth. It was now Hyunjin’s turn to butt in,

“Seungmin, stop-”

“No, he needs to hear it straight up. He fucking sucks and you all know I’m right. I’m tired of him acting like he isn’t the problem. Leave Y/N alone. They’re better off without you.”

Jisung felt hot tears well up in his eyes as he took in every one of Seungmin’s words, each casting daggers into his heart. His worst nightmares were coming true as he realized that it wasn’t just strangers and ex-lovers who viewed in such a negative light, but the people he trusted so much, his own friends, also thought the same of him. The fury laced in Seungmin’s voice cut Jisung deep as every syllable pushed him over the edge til Jisungfound himself falling into a pit of sadness and hurt, his stomach flipping onto itself on his way down.

Was he really that bad? Wait, no! How dare Seungmin say such a thing to him? What does Seungmin even know about Jisung’s past relationship? He was stepping out of line! The sadness instantly subsided, soon being replaced with a familiar feeling of denial and anger as Jisung stomped towards Seungmin, crouching down to meet him on the floor. Jisung sloppily grabbed Seungmin by the collar of his shirt, pulling him close to his face.

“What the fuck did you just say? Take it back right fucking now,” growled Jisung, venom dropping down from each word.

Seungmin rolled his eyes, pushing the drunken boy off him who stumbled backwards, “See, this right here is your problem. You can’t even begin to accept that you’re in the wrong.” Seungmin stood up, now looking down at Jisung who still hadn’t regained his balance. He took in an exasperated inhale, a subdued smile replacing the vexed look he just had as he softened his tone, “Look, Jisung. I love and care for you, but I cannot turn a blind eye and let you hurt someone else. I mean it. Leave them alone.” With that, Seungmin made his way to the stairs, wanting nothing more than to get away from Jisung at that moment before he said something he’d later regret.

Jisung remained seated on the floor as he was processing the words and emotions that were rushing in all at once, his drunken brain unsure how to handle all the information he was just fed. He laid his head into his hands as his brain echoed Seungmin’s words again and again.

Jisung felt his breath get caught in his throat as he hiccuped a quiet sob, his body starting to tremble as the tears he was holding back for so long finally fell. His body collapsed onto itself as his heart stuttered in his chest, his lungs burning from the lack of air as he continued to inconsolably weep, struggling to breathe between his cries.

Maybe he is as bad as everyone said he was.

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A few weeks had gone by since Jisung and Seungmin’s argument at the party, but the tension between the two boys didn’t last long as Seungmin showed up to Jisung’s apartment the very next day with a bowl of soup for his hangover and an apology, which Jisung graciously accepted, neither wanting to be upset at each other any longer.

Despite that, the words Seungmin had said never left Jisung, leaving a permanent scar on his brain as he constantly recalled the moment. The words painfully rang through his ears as a ball of shame and misery formed in his stomach while he reminisced about his past relationships, trying to figure out what he did so wrong.

Jisung felt horrible as he carried this weight of guilt on his shoulders as he wondered how his actions had hurt others and how he had remained oblivious for so long. All the insecurities and fears he had about himself were true at the end. Everyone around him was in agreement that he was the issue and he was the one behaving so selfishly in every relationship. He could understand that and he knew if his friend’s felt that way, it had to be the truth, but he was still struggling to identify what exactly about him and his behavior was so bad.

Sure, he could reach out and ask his friends to help see what he was missing, but he was too afraid to face the reality of the situation, not ready to take another brutal beating of words. He was terrified to hear the truth, but he knew the same conclusion he came to long ago remained true. Love was just not for him, it didn’t want him the same way he did.

Everyone had taken note of Jisung’s downtrodden mood and thought he had just needed a few days to collect himself, but once everyone realized more time had passed and that he didn’t even have the will to attend a recording session with Chan and Changbin, everyone went into crisis mode. So, over the last few weeks, someone would show up to Jisung’s house to check in on him and either spend a few hours with him at home, or forcefully drag him out the house to spend time with the group, insisting it would help him feel better.

Each time someone had forced him out, he would be huffing and sulking like a grumpy toddler throwing a tantrum, but as soon as he got there, he would be as cheery as ever and would end the day feeling a lot better. He hated how right his friends were, but he was always thankful for every time they dragged him out despite his whiny and bratty attitude.

However, there was another mental battle Jisung was fighting that everyone was unaware of, or so he thought, and he was definitely not coming out of it as a winner. Unfortunately for Jisung, since the time you joined Minho’s dance team, you had hit it off so well with the rest of the group that you were there almost every time Jisung joined you guys on an outing. And each day he spent with you, he found himself falling more and more for you.

He was really trying to stop himself, as he took Seungmin’s words to heart and imagined that sentiment was shared with everyone else, but this task was becoming an impossible one for Jisung to tackle!

It was weird. Every time he’d get invited out, Jisung would dread seeing you because he knew he was doomed to a hopeless, unrequited love with you, but if you weren’t there, he would be so disappointed and would find himself wanting to go home sooner. He wanted to stay as far away from you as possible, but something about you drew him in and he couldn’t resist and now here he is, finding himself in a friendship with you that he could not escape.

It’s not that he didn't want to be friends with you, if anything he loved the friendship you two had grown in such a short time and how quickly he became fond of you. You were incredibly sweet to Jisung, constantly showing your consideration for him everyday in new ways. If he ever felt anxious or out of place, you were the first to take notice and offer to get him out of whatever stuffy social situation he was in and stay with him til he was ready to join the others again. If he had decided to stay in that day, you’d send him a message letting know he was missed and hoped to see him the next time. There was even a time where he was too sick to leave the house, and much to his surprise, he found you and Minho at his front door steps with food and medicine.

Somehow, unlike everyone else before you, you had shown him a special kind of unwavering kindness and didn’t judge him for his past. For the first time in years, he finally felt safe and unconditionally loved in a friendship that wasn’t one of the boys. That was enough for Jisung to know that you were someone he wanted to keep in his life for as long as possible, even if it meant he had to confront eventual heartbreak and only stay by your side as nothing more than a friend.

But, that was okay. That was more than enough for him because as long as you were there, he would give you his all and support you endlessly. He would do anything to see you smile, anything to ensure your happiness, and if that meant he couldn’t be your lover, then that was a sacrifice he was willing to make. Besides, no one has ever been happy with him in a relationship. This was how it had to be, this is how he could protect you from himself.

Regardless of how Jisung felt towards you, he had seriously doubted you had any interest in him in the first place. How could someone as angelic as you want to be with, well, trash? There was no way you hadn’t heard about his disastrous dating history, and if you were as smart as he thought you were, that alone would turn you off from him. Not only that, he was pretty sure you had heard about the fight he had with Seungmin and if that fight said anything about him, it showed that he was a mess of insecurities and arrogance. Why on Earth would you ever like someone like that? And if you heard about the fight, he was positive that Seungmin and everyone else had warned you about him and dissuaded you from even considering anything romantic with him.

It was doomed!

And although Jisung had earnestly vowed to himself he would not engage in anything romantic with you, he was failing miserably. His affection towards you was something everyone picked up on. He always, no matter what, had his undivided attention on you as you ranted to him about whatever bothered you that day or how you were struggling to nail a part of your dance routine. It was obvious. He loved hearing you talk and could listen to you for hours as if you were his own personal podcast, always mirroring your emotion and blindly agreeing with you during your rants, always asking you questions whenever you rambled on about your own hobbies and interests.

If someone ever talked over you, he’d make sure to ask you what you were going to say. If you were upset that day, he’d always offer to buy you ice cream and insist to the group that they all needed to stop by the local ice cream shop. If you ever showed him a video of your latest dance routine, he’d shower you with a ridiculous amount of compliments until you were a flustered mess asking him to stop. And every time he noticed you were wearing a new outfit, changed your hair, or wore different jewelry, he would be quick to notice and let you know how wonderful you looked. He was shamelessly flirting with you, and he hadn’t even realized how far he had let it go.

On the other side of the pond, you were well aware of every horrible thing that was said about Jisung, even long before you had become a member of Minho’s team, and to be quite frank, you thought he was a complete asshole from what you’ve heard. But once you realized that he was one of Minho’s lifelong best friends, you knew you had to push your personal feelings aside, especially when you realized some of the music Minho had you perform with was Jisung’s original work. You hated to admit it, but he was an absolute genius when it came to music production and you were slowly becoming a fan of his work.

All you could tell yourself was that he couldn’t have been that bad if everyone was still his friend and reminded yourself people change, it’s not like you were going to end up liking the guy anyway.

Oh, but you were so wrong.

The first time you saw him at Minho’s party, you thought he was so irresistibly adorable during his drunken babbling, and you were honestly taken aback that the cute man who sat in front of you was none other than Han Jisung. Although, it did help soften your initial thoughts of him, making you think maybe he wasn’t that bad, especially after seeing him become a blushing mess at the mere sight of you, but those thoughts were quickly pushed away while Hyunjin walked you to your car after you left.

“Y/N…”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard about Jisung from other people, right?”

“Oh, I’ve heard plenty, but he doesn’t seem so bad though.”

“Well, he isn’t if you’re just friends with him, but… He definitely seemed into you when he saw you and as your friend, I feel like it is my responsibility to let you know that he isn’t someone you should pursue. I love him, but you deserve someone better than that… I would hate to see him hurt another one of my friends.”

“Ah, no worries, Hyunjin. I’ve made dumb dating choices in the past, but I’m not that stupid.”

Except, you were that stupid. So, so, so incredibly stupid and you were terrified that anyone would uncover your growing crush on the boy. You could already imagine both Hyunjin and Seungmin’s disappointed looks, and you promised yourself you were taking this little secret to the grave. You had every reason in the world to not be attracted to Jisung, especially after hearing how he put his hands on Seungmin during their argument! Drunk or not, there’s no excuse for that and his denial of his actions said so much about him.

Yet, here you are, sitting next to Jisung on the couch in the living room of Minho’s place, excitedly talking to him about the latest episode of the drama you were currently watching, gossiping to him as if the actors were real people you knew in your personal life. He sat on the couch with his legs crossed, facing you while nodding along to every word you said, his eyes trained on you and you alone.

“And-, oh my god, I almost forgot, but the lead then told her to shut up! Can you believe that?!”

Jisung would then gasp, theatrically putting his hand on his chest, “No fucking way… What is his problem?”

“Right! And then-,” you paused for a moment, suddenly feeling insecure that you were forcing Jisung to listen about something he probably didn’t care for. You sighed and gave him an apologetic smile as you anxiously twiddled your fingers, “I’m sorry, I got carried away, you probably don’t wanna listen to me talk about some stupid drama.”

This time, Jisung did look genuinely surprised as his eyebrows furrowed upward with panicked eyes, “What? No, I love hearing you talk about this, you’re always so excited that it’s adorable.” He hated how fast your mood changed and started to worry if he had done something to make you feel that way. Did he look uninterested? Was he not responsive enough?

“Did I do something to make you think I didn’t want to listen?”

You felt your cheeks grow warm at Jisung calling you adorable, and then felt your heart start beating loudly in your chest when he asked you that question with all the concern and worry in the world filling his eyes. You shot straight up in your seat, returning his gaze with astonishment, not expecting him to be so considerate. “No, no, you didn’t do anything wrong… I just…” You paused for a moment, trying to find the words without revealing too much on how you were feeling, “I just got nervous for a moment, I don’t know.”

Jisung nodded as you spoke, taking your hands in his as he gave you a reassuring smile, “Y/N, I promise there’s nothing more I’d love than to hear you talk. You could be explaining the most boring thing ever, and I would still listen to you happily.”

In the kitchen stood Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Minho who were watching the scene unfold before them as they prepared food for everyone, while the others were upstairs playing whatever video game upstairs. Seungmin narrowed his eyes as he watched Jisung reach for your hands, taking note of the flustered look on your face.

“I think Y/N likes him.”

Hyunjin and Minho turned to Seungmin for a moment, then looked back at you and Jisung, unsure what exactly Seungmin saw other than Jisung’s flirtations.

Hyunjin let out an annoyed exhale as he continued to fry the eggs on the pan, then muttering, “There’s no way that’s possible. Y/N knows better.”

“I don’t know. Just look at them, they act like there’s no one else in the room when they’re together,” whispered Seungmin.

“I guess,” murmured Hyunjin, clearly upset about Seungmin’s hunch, “This is going to end terribly, isn’t it?”

Minho silently stood as he separated the ramen noodles that were boiling in the pot, humming along as he listened to the two younger boys angrily whisper. “I think it will be okay. I think our Jisungie has learned his lessons.”

The other two looked at him with disbelief, neither believing Jisung was capable of ever growing from the immature mindset he had for as long as they’ve known him. Hyunjin scoffed, “No, you don’t really think that, do you?”

Minho kept his eyes on the stove as the other two stared down at the back of his head, shrugging his shoulders, “Well, I could be wrong, I can’t exactly predict the future, but…” He then glanced back at the couch, smiling as Jisung made you laugh, “He treats them differently. I don’t know why, but he does. Don’t you two think so?”

Seungmin and Hyunjin stayed silent, not being able to deny Minho’s statement because they fully knew he wasn’t wrong. Everyone knew something in Jisung had changed when he had met you, and everyone saw how gently he treated you, almost as if he was scared he could scare you away with one little misstep.

“Whatever, I still don’t trust him,” Hyunjin grumbled, putting the last of the eggs on a plate.

Minho chuckled at both of the boy’s protectiveness, “That’s okay, no one is forcing you to, but remember, they’re both adults. They can do what they want, no matter how stupid we all think it is.”

┈ ✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁ ┈

Months had gone by and there was no denying the small romance that had flourished between you and Jisung. You both were hopelessly head-over-heels for the other, to the point that everyone around you two had grown sick of it and was praying for the day where one of you would finally confess your feelings to the other.

You had long given up on hiding your feelings for the boy from your friends, especially after one day Seungmin had confronted you and told you it was the most obvious thing in the world. Part of you had prepared yourself for Seungmin to berate you for your poor taste in men, especially after the plethora of warnings you had been given about Jisung, but instead, he was very supportive and wanted you to feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it, even if he thought you could do better.

Jisung had become a part of your daily life, spending nearly everyday with each other or at the very least, you both had become accustomed to texting one another throughout the day. You’d start your day either sending or receiving a ‘good morning’ text from him and you’d end your day the same way, except it was a ‘good night’ text.

You’d often pay him a visit at his studio on days he had lost track of time, always letting yourself in after he had given you the passcode to the door, which he had only given to you, Minho, Chan, and Changbin. It came to you as a surprise when he gave you the code to his studio, insisting that you needed it so you could drop in whenever you wanted, telling you that you were always a welcomed guest at his studio. In reality, Jisung just wanted an excuse to see you more, and you had taken the bait as you would often show up with an iced americano in hand and whatever takeout food you were in the mood for that day.

If you ever had a long day of dance practice, Jisung would make sure to stop by to drop off a snack and drink as well, often receiving complaints from Minho over his blatant favoritism, accusing him of neglecting his best friend, which would cause Jisung to grow red from embarrassment. Despite his relentless teasing, Minho was more than proud to see how much Jisung had grown and how naturally caring for you had come to him. It was a side of Jisung no one had ever seen, and it was a very much welcomed change.

Today, you were sitting on the couch at Jisung’s apartment as he washed the dishes from the dinner you both had attempted to make, humming along as he put them in the drying rack. For some reason, you and Jisung had thought it would be a great idea to recreate a steak dish you both saw online and while it did not go terribly, the steaks ended up being a little too burnt for either of your liking. You were a bit disappointed, part of you feeling embarrassed you couldn’t even cook a proper meal in front of your crush, but he had lifted your spirits up by telling you it was an ‘excellent culinary choice’ to serve the steaks charred, shushing you each time you said the word burnt.

Soon after, he took a seat next to you on the couch, flicking through the TV as he tried to find something to watch, but soon gave up as he turned to you, “Is there anything you wanna watch?”

You scrunch up your face as you take a few seconds to think, clapping your hands excitedly once the idea hits you, “Have you ever watched Love is Blind? It’s kinda a dumb reality show, but I still haven’t seen the new season and it’s always a fun watch!”

Jisung furrowed his eyebrows quizzically, tilting his head to the side like a confused puppy, “Love is Blind? I’ve never heard of it, what's it about?”

“Never heard of it!? No way!” You gasped, a hand clasping over your mouth dramatically as he smiled adoringly at your antics, “It’s such a crazy show! Basically, a bunch of singles are trying to find the love of their lives, but they’re meeting people without ever seeing what they look like!”

“Oh, so they only get to talk to each other?”

“Yeah! And then they have to get engaged, and once that happens, they can finally meet face to face. They’re supposed to get married at the end of the series, but there’s always juicy drama going on before then!”

Jisung hummed, taking interest in the show's concept, “That’s cool, so they’re trying to see if love is truly blind?”

“Exactly!” You chirped, nodding with enthusiasm as you beamed at Jisung, waiting for his response.

“Sure, let’s watch it!” How could he ever say no to you when you’re smiling at him that way? He swore he felt his heart flutter the moment you smiled at him, the jubilation in your eyes making him become putty in your hands. “Do you really believe in that though? Like, unconditional love?”

You turned to him as you grabbed the remote from his hands, a bit taken aback from his question, “Well, I’ve already seen the other seasons and some couples have definitely proven that love can be blind, but love differs for everyone. I think that’s the beauty of this show though, loving someone despite their flaws and loving them for who they truly are.”

He leaned back on the couch, returning your gaze as he lost himself deep in thought, “Right, but do you think you could love someone unconditionally? Even if they’ve made mistakes in the past?”

You furrowed your eyebrows as you tried to understand where Jisung was coming from, a gentle smile gracing your features as you reached a comforting hand over his wrist, “Well, as long as those past mistakes aren’t murder or something, I don’t see why not. I’d like to think people are able to grow from their past.”

Jisung smiled as he sighed in relief, his other hand resting on top of yours, “Even me?”

“Especially you.”

┈ ✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁ ┈

It was a quiet and cold night as you curled up into Jisung’s side, your head resting on his chest with a leg thrown over his as his arms swaddled you into a tight embrace. It was peaceful and serene, the only sounds filling the room was the light pitter patter of rain against his bedroom window and the comforting beat of his heart. You tilted your head upwards and caught Jisung’s gaze, a relaxed smile on his face as he leaned down to press a gentle kiss on your forehead, but you could’ve sworn you saw a glimmer of sadness in his eyes.

To be quite honest, you weren’t entirely sure what you and Jisung were, as neither of you had ever officially discussed labels, but you both were very aware of each other’s feelings for one another. There was no doubt that you both were more than just friends, but the label of partners or dating was something Jisung nervously tiptoed around.

After a few weeks of these shared tender moments, you figured Jisung would soon ask you to be his, but the question never came and it filled you with nervousness. You didn’t want to pressure him, as you could sympathize with his concerns since he was very transparent with you about his hesitance from the very start.

Jisung was irrevocably in love with you and wanted nothing more than to make you his partner, but he would be lying to you if he wasn’t also terrified of the weight of that label. For so long, Jisung had convinced himself he was incapable of loving someone the way they deserved to be and never thought anyone would have ever fallen for him, especially someone as perfect as you. Perhaps it was your sheer kindness and undying belief in him, but he felt like a complete fraud, as if you had imagined him to be this amazing man that he could never be and has never been. He wasn’t ready to fall short of your expectations, he wasn’t ready to face the disappointed and heartbroken look on your face once you realized the rumors about him were complete truth.

He felt as if he was truly undeserving of someone as pure as you, someone so selfless and caring who approached their own feelings with so much confidence, while he was just a shamefully selfish man who didn’t know how to trust himself, who didn’t believe in his own ability to make his own partner happy, a man who was painfully insecure and unsure of who he was.

He wanted you with every fiber of his being and desperately wanted to be the very reason behind your smiles, laughter, and happiness. He so greedily desired to see his own reflection in your eyes for the rest of his life, a sight that he wanted to treasure for the rest of life and the thought of you looking at someone else that way physically pained him.

Yet, his fear of hurting you and disappointing everyone else around him held him back from chasing those feelings and Seungmin’s words from months ago ruminated in his mind as a constant reminder of his past failures. He would not be able to shoulder the burden of hurting you, the guilt would completely eat him up because at the end of the day, it would be his fault for fooling you into the idea that he was capable of giving you that movie perfect love story. For crying out loud, he’s Han Jisung, the guy everyone hated and criticized for his ineptitude of romantic relations. He knew what you wanted, he knew you were growing impatient and scared over his inaction, but his anxieties held him captive in a standstill, and he was not strong enough to challenge it.

All he could tell you was that he needed more time, that he was afraid and needed the chance to grow that confidence in himself once more, but he knew time was finite and he was running out of it.

As he kissed your forehead, he felt his heart flinch as a pang of sadness flooded his body, forcefully fighting the overwhelming adoration and affection he had for you. He was petrified at the way his body slowly began to reject the feelings of love he had for you, fear and insecurities consuming it as if everything you had to offer nothing. All rational thinking had left him in that moment as panic took over his thoughts, angrily yelling at him for being such an idiot to think anything would ever change. How stupid he was to lead on another innocent person and how he was only going to hurt them, just like all the others before him. How idiotic he was for thinking he was ever deserving of love, as love does not wish to know him.

He just couldn’t be your love.

God, if he wasn’t such a selfish asshole, maybe then he could’ve saved you from his own carelessness. If he had only heeded the warnings of his friends, but once again, he has fallen into the trap of self-centered needs outweighing the feelings of others. If he had only stayed your friend and nothing more, if he had only not-

“Y/N, I don’t think this is going to work.”

Did he really say that out loud? He held his breath as he cursed himself for acting so quickly out of fear, his heart stopped as he watched you stiffen in his own arm. You silently sat yourself up, his arms falling to the mattress as you turned to him with tears filling your eyes, your lips trembling as you tried to contain a sob.

Oh, how Jisung just wished the world would swallow him whole in that moment, his heart completely shattering at the sight of your crestfallen face. He looked into your watery eyes to only realize that this time, the reflection of your eyes showed the source of your sorrow, an expression he had wished he never had the misfortune to witness.

“I… I’m sorry, I just-”

You shook your head, raising a hand to signal him to stop talking, refusing to take an explanation from him, “It’s okay. I was afraid this would happen.”

You forced a tightlipped smile, taking a deep breath through your nose as you tried to keep yourself together, faintly whispering a broken “Please don’t text or call me.”

Jisung shot up as he watched you get up from his bed, trying to scramble after you as you made your way to his front door, grabbing your belongings on the way. He didn’t realize how much he was already crying until he tried to speak to you, but it all came out in a blubbering sob. “Y/N, please, listen to me…” He begged you to listen to him, pleaded for you to try to understand where this was all coming from and to understand that he still loved you so much despite how selfish his actions are, yet you never gave him a chance.

“Jisung, please. I don’t care why, I don’t want to know,” you croaked between sobs, doing your best to maintain your composure as you faced the front door, refusing to look at him. “I just feel like an idiot. I should’ve listened to what people said about you.”

There you went, leaving his apartment and shutting the door in his face with force, leaving Jisung to confront nothing, but his own cowardice.

Once again, Jisung fell into the trap of his own self-centered thinking, getting lost in his own immaturity as he became the victim of the circumstances he created. If he had only realized that he wasn't alone in this battle of his own conscience, if he had only realized you would've fought each insecurity and fear with him.

Oh, woe is me, Han Jisung. Only a fool would be afraid of love.

#skz x reader #skz fanfic #skz angst #skz #stray kids fanfic #stray kids x reader #stray kids #stray kids angst #han jisung #skz jisung #skz jisung x reader #han x reader #skz han #skz han x reader #jisung x reader #han jisung x reader #cinnamostar writes

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battleonthebigbridge · 5 months

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I want to talk about Argenti and my personal interpretation of his character after the companion quest.

SPOILERS FOR COMPANION QUEST BELOW!!!!!

Honestly like a huge fan of Argenti being played for laughs through the majority of the quest, making comments about hallucinations and delusions but then Argenti truly reveals his faith to us. For what it means to him and the length that his faith goes to in order to self sacrifice, that he had only known the express crew for a very short amount of time and he willingly said he would die for the crew three times.

Knowing that Argenti came from a world ravaged by war and loneliness, him seeing this group of people, this family who adore each other and want to help each other and deciding that he would be willing to die in order to protect that family, even if it was not his own, even though he has been a lone traveller for Idrila knows how long.

And in that, his faith in Idrila itself. That his only wish is to see them, that even if his visions are all but hallucinations he chooses to believe in the beauty's grace, he continues to pursue that wish, that desire

The beauty who has passed from the world but their knights continue to pursue that ideal across the universe. "Each time I wander closer to death, it gets me closer to the path the Beauty once walked." The path to demise, to a beautiful death clad in honour and virtue, fighting for the better of the universe and not allowing one to fall into sin and corruption. A noble death, protecting a family who value each other above all else, the beauty found in those bonds of love, and dying to protect that, in Argenti's eyes is no exaggeration out of being worthwhile. He was completely willing to pass on, to perhaps finally see the beauty that he has pursued, to finally witness the aeon he has devoted everything to.

Despite being played as a comic relief it's so infinitely sad, a blindness in faith but a faith so pure and good that you cannot call him on his delusions, because deep in his heart he already knows the truth, but he will keep his vow as a knight until he reaches his end, to tread the path that Idrila once walked.

And this line from Himeko in particular really hit me

And this follow-up from March

While played as a comedy relief for the majority of things he has appeared in his character is very down to earth and surprisingly deep, especially if you read his character stories and understand the true prospects of his journey and his duty.

I don't have anything to say about this, I believe this confession speaks for himself.

I love Argenti, so much.

#honkai star rail #hsr #argenti #hsr spoilers #honkai star rail spoilers #hoyoverse #ray's rambles

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kingmagnificoofrosas · 2 months

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They love you - they would do anything for you!

Words mean nothing if there's no action to prove them true!

The whole statement from the "evil book" - mind you- "bound for all eternity, nothing can break or bind the evil" is a capital B big fat lie!

A dear anon has already mentioned this before here on my blog through an ask. The gullibility of Amaya and the rest of the people of rosas almost hurts. Of course an evil book would tell you there is no way to get out of the dark!

Disney isn't the first and only one who has been spreading the message of "True love breaks evey curse and true love overcomes all. And darkness can never be greater than the light."

From the christian perspective, it's more than clear that everything said by the evil book isn't trustworthy as far as salvation goes! Evil isn't stronger than the good and never will be!

It's also intersting to note that the evil force (green evil magic) is potrayed as this shadow entity 👇🏼

Also, why trust the words of something that literally does nothing but evil and harm?

Even if we look at the whole Magnifico situation purely objectively, like my cousins daughter, not through the lense of faith and leaving the knowledge of trauma aside, the "He's a villain now and can't be saved" is utter nonsense!

The first half of the movie we are told and shown Magnifico's true intentions. His ambitions and desires. We saw him being genuine all the way. He's always been honest and kind. He never lied, played or manipultated anyone and even further explained multiple times how he feels and why he does what he does. And then we are shown "the book" the big bad thing that will defenitly do harm and take posession of Magnifico should he use it!

That's the information! If Magnifico uses the book, he will be "controlled" by the evil from this book! This is what even Amaya said! Plain and clear.

Also, geeky side fact to the orgins of the book : Magnifico didn't get the book himself, nor did he built the evil lair where he later on created his staff. From the art book we know that he found both the book and the evil lair during the renovations. [ He's built his castle on top of an already existing building ] That means, Magnifico didn't even go to pursue such a book. He found it and kept it. Cause we already know why - trauma rooted fear, anxiety, paranoia.

If someone is controlled/posessed by something, it's more than clear that the person isn't at fault for the actions done by the evil in them! Just look at the insane difference!

Oh yeah ... I know a posession by evil if I see one. And in this case, we had the facts served on a silver tray. It's not even a guessing game.

The only thing we can hold Magnifico accountable for is the fact he did reach for the book. But then again, we also need to consider WHY he did. Reason - his trauma! He was terrified!

If the book hadn't been there, believe me, this poor man would have had the worst mental breakdown and we would have probably found him huddled together on the ground suffering out his panic attack.

People don't understand the merry go round of thoughts a traumatized person has. And the emotions that come with it. In a situation as intense as Magnifico's we do have a domino effect. Or a wildfire-effect. One tiny spark on dry grass will eventually lead to a big fire. He was already triggered and highly stressed out, and severly traumatized people oftentimes aren't able to make the best decissions - or decissions at all.

If I think about it - if I had suffered a trauma as intense as Magnifico, already more than burdened with anxiety, fear and paranoia, and then something happens that triggers me immensely, I spend an entire night feverishly searching for an answer or solution, no sleep, no food, immense stress…. on top of that, no one in the entire kingdom that truly understands me ... Boy, I'd probably freak out and snap too.

The most support he's gotten during his spiral of misery was a pat to the shoulder. Not one single hug, no truly comforting words, a gentle stroke over his cheek, a kiss, truly loving words. That poor man got nothing!

Btw this is a quote from my cousins daughter. And she told it to my face randomly before I could even say anything! She said "You know, Magnifico isn't bad. The book is. He only wanted to protect everyone but the book made him evil. Bad book!"

And if that wasn't already enough, her younger brother watched the movie as well and then also randomly told me, "Bad book!" Furthermore - I wheezed and cried of laughter, because 1. I didn't expect this and 2. it was absolutely brilliant! - The daughter sat at the table and was drawing again, and then she told me, "The movie ... the magician and the bad book ..." The title she gave WISH! She made Magnifico the protagonist and the evil book the villain! Exactly right!

Anyway, then it happens, everyone KNOWS Magnifico is "controlled/posessed" and yet all of the sudden he himself is the evil? What??

In the past ten decades, disney had always done a fantastic job in displaying true evil and the - true love always wins - message. Even with quite recent movies such as Tangled, Frozen, Encanto etc. We've been introduced to the trauma topic and that "antagonists" can and should be saved.

I mean, I'm absolutely glad that we got Magnifico the way we got him, but I'm enraged about the toxic stance toward trauma.

If I'm looking at what disney did in the tangled series with Varian and Cassandra, who both had a short time period where they've been pushed down the "villain" road by trauma and by the hurt of not feeling valued, seen, heard or treated right and how this got resolved, I can only shake my head at what disney did in Wish.

Cassandra as much as Varian in fact- especially Cassandra- threatened the whole kingdom and also strived to hurt Rapunzel more than just once.

And she wasn't directly posessed by evil but heavily manipulated and blinded by it. All her "Evil actions" were completelty on her! And Rapunzel stressed that no matter what, she'll never give up on Cassandra. Why? Because she truly loved her! Because she knew that this evil wasn't who she truly is.

Rapunzel said "Even when I look at you now, after all that's happened, no matter what we've done to each other, I still see that look in your eyes. You're my best friend, Cassandra, and I will never give up on you!"

Can you imagine what could have been if Amaya and all the citizens of Rosas would have had that attitude towards Magnifico? Truly loving him for who he is and not only seeing him as a source for favours? They all simply didn't care! If they had, they wouldn't have given up on him as quick as the snap of a finger.

So we've seen antagonists and semi-villains getting redeemed before and we've seen the "True love conquers all" more than enough, and now, especially with Magnifico, disney and some ignorant haters want to tell us that this isn't what could have happened to Magnifico too?

It's ridiculous!

And the citizens of Corona forgave both Cassandra and Varian!

Now, once more, the "book" said - nothing can bind the evil magic! Yet this is exactly what happened after the people of Rosas unified and sang! The lights glowing in their chests is actually symbolic for their hearts unifying! It was immediately stronger than the hold of the evil magic, even though the book said, it's untouchable!

The evil magic was bound, "star" was set free and Magnifico pulled into the curse realm. You cannot tell me if they all had done the same thing with the goal in their hearts to free and save Magnifico, that they wouldn't have succeeded.

#king magnifico #disney wish #wish 2023 #team magnifico #magnifico defenders #king magnifico isn't a villain

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gemini-sensei · 6 months

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Selfish | Eli Moskowitz x Chubby!Reader ft. Kyler Park

Kinktober Day 14: husband/wife swap cucking, I think. More so cheating oops.

CW: cheating on spouse, Kyler is a crap husband tho, Reader is a boss ass bitch that doesn't take shit from her shitty husband, unprotected sex. (unedited).

A/N: I had this idea and idk what happened to it. I feel like the execution sucks.

"You are so selfish!"

Kyler scoffed and rolled his eyes as if Reader were being unreasonable. He got up from their bed and started walking to the bathroom. "I'm not listening to this again."

She glared at the back of his head. "You wouldn't have to if you'd just give me what I want. I ask for one thing, good sex, and you even give me that. You're such a loser!"

"Don't call me that!" He yelled, but didn't say anything else. He just slammed and locked the door like the immature adult he was. It made Reader roll her eyes, feeling as though it was her turn now. Then he shouted an after thought, "And if it's so damn important to you, you deal with it!"

Reader sat with her head in her hands, wondering how she'd gotten to this point in her life. Telling herself Kyler wasn't such a bad guy after being in Cobra Kai with him was a good place to start. Thinking he'd get better at sex over time was delusional. And finally, picking him over anyone else was probably where she'd gone the most wrong. She couldn't help feeling like an idiot as she sat there, unfilled but too upset at her husband to do anything about it.

There was a box of toys hidden in the guest room, where she'd probably drag herself to sleep for the night, but they weren't calling out to her. Sure, her vibratory could fix the hollow, gnawing feeling she had in her gut, but it wasn't going to make her husband see that he was a selfish prick that only used her to get off. She needed something more. Something better.

As she grabbed her robe and slipped it on, her phone buzzed. It was an Instagram notification telling her someone had tagged her in one of their pictures. She opened it as she walked down to the guest room, smiling to herself as she saw a picture of herself from her high school graduation. She was standing in a group between Moon and Sam, arms wrapped around each other with big smiles on their faces. Also in the photo, Miguel, Demetri, Yasmine and Hawk. It was captioned, Can't believe it's been five years since we graduated! #memories.

Typical Moon, Reader thought to herself with a small smile.

She walked into the guest room and locked the door, knowing Kyler would come annoying her at some point. She just ignored his entire existence in their home and looked through the pictures Moon had posted. So she crawled into bed and let her worries drift away.

As she came to the end of the photos, she saw herself with Hawk, laughing. Their caps were crooked and they were holding each other's diplomas, a funny little scene they thought would make a good picture. It was really nice and made her chuckle, but more importantly it made her think of him.

They'd had a spark at one point but never pursued it. At a New Year's party, They'd shared a kiss but left it at that. For a while, their friendship was marred by karate and warring dojos, all of which had been resolved before graduation, thankfully. However, she couldn't sit there in good conscience and say she didn't regret not taking that leap of faith. She couldn't help thinking she'd be a lot happier if she were with Hawk instead of Kyler.

Turning over and putting her head on the pillow her final thoughts were along the lines of how getting married young had been a terrible idea. And perhaps it wasn't too late to take a longshot.

It took Reader a week to work up the courage to talk to Hawk about what they possibly had going on after high school. It wasn't as if they hadn't talked to each other since then, but most of their conversations weren't long or deep. They we're more like check in, little congratulations when they celebrated something on social media, asking how they were after a tough week. They weren't all that special, but Reader found them to be nice looking back now. It was more than Kyler gave her after all.

Hawk met her at a little café downtown during their lunch breaks. She was sipping a latte when he sat down and smiled at her. She was happy to see he still had his mohawk.

"Long time, no see," he joked.

She smiled. "Certainly feels that way."

They hadn't met up in a while, which was why it was a little awkward at first. At least for her.

She didn't know how to go about asking him out while her husband was a grade A asshole. Would he even still like her as a friend if she made a move on him? Was she going about this all wrong?

She wanted to say this was all about pleasure and that she could go back to Kyler when she got what she needed, but in the back of her mind she knew that wasn't true. As she got into deep conversation with Hawk, she knew whatever feelings she'd had for Kyler were no longer a raging fire as they seemingly were before. Hawk made her laugh and asked her about her day so far, which was far more than her husband ever gave to her. She was smiling more with Hawk in thirty minutes than she ever had with Kyler in the last three years.

It gave her some hope.

So Reader reached over and put her hand on Hawk's. He looked at her, staying quiet as she stared back at him with soft eyes and a pretty smile. "Thanks for meeting me. I know it was kind of short notice, but it means a lot to me."

He smiled at her. "Of course. I'd drop everything for you, Reader. You know that."

She giggled, wondering how true that was.

"What's on your mind?"

"I just... I've been having second thoughts..."

"About what?"

"Kyler." His name came out in a heavy sigh, almost as if it was a weight she carried with her everywhere and she was exhausted.

"Oh." He didn't pull his hand away. "You know, I always kinda hoped you'd say something like that."

She tried to hide her smile now. "Really?"

He leaned forward as of about to tell her a secret. "Yeah, really. He doesn't deserve you."

"Is this where you say, I told you so?" she asked, remembering their friends having warned her about Kyler. How he hadn't changed, how he wasn't kind, how he didn't care. She tried not to think about those things as Hawk's lips drew closer.

He shook his head. "No, I'm not gonna say that. I'm just gonna..."

He finished leaning in and kissee her, capturing her lips with his and she melted into it immediately. She was a moth to his flame and she didn't feel and ounce of guilt for it.

It lasted all of five, maybe six, seconds before they pulled away from each other. Then she moved closer to him and they resumed their kiss, making it deeper and wrapping each other up in their arms. Their coffees were mostly forgotten about as they indulged in each other with a long overdue second chance.

"You sure this is how this how it's supposed to go?" Kyler asked as he watched Reader turn the little key in the little lock. He stared down at the new toy shed gotten, the one she swore was going to feel amazing, but he was beginning to question her judgment.

The cockcage wasn't as nice as she said it was going to be. It was cold and strange. As she took the key, which was hanging from a small chain link, and put it around her neck, he wasn't so sure about this. If he wanted to do anything about it, it was too late now. She'd also cuffed his hands behind his back and the position he sat in wasn't the most comfortable. He was beginning to sense things weren't going the way he thought they would.

Reader scoffed. "I already told you, babe, this is gonna be awesome." She turned around and made her way over to their bed, quietly muttering, "for me at least."

"What was that?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing," she giggled and crawled onto the bed. She had her box of toys out and picked up her pretty vibrator, showing it off to him. The tone in the air quickly changed. "This is who I went to when you couldn't finish me off."

He glared at her, trying to remain serious as he ogled lingerie clad body. He'd never admit it out loud, but she knew he loved her curves and rolls. He acted like he hated them because that was the "manly" thing to do, that people didn't actually like big women, it was all a show. He didn't want to present himself that way, so he hid it from everyone else. But he couldn't hide it from her. Too bad he already fucked up their marriage.

"That's not fair," he argued.

She pouted at him, not feeling too bad. "You're right, babe. It isn't fair. To me. I shouldn't need this fella."

Reader turned on her toy and it buzzed to life. She continued to show it off to him, making sure he saw it.

"It also isn't fair how you use me like a glorified fleshlight. I mean, come on, I've got all the natural advantages a man could ever dream of and you can't indulge me one bit," she said, letting out a dramatic sigh. She then laid back and spread her legs, pulling her panties aside and making sure her pussy was on full display for him to see from the chair she'd sat him on. "It's not fair that only you get pleasure when we have sex."

She brought the vibrator to her pussy and rubbed it along her already wet fold, spreading that wetness. She moaned into the stiff air, breathing new life into the room as she continued to torture him with the image of her. His whining brought a smirk to her lips as she used her other hand to spread her folds and teased her slit with the toy.

"A fucking toy is better than you!" she moaned, feeling the vibrations over her sensitive lips.

Then the bedroom door opened.

"Man, that must be embarrassing," a new voice said.

Kyler looked up, confused. "The fuck are you doing here?"

Reader sat up but kept playing with herself. She smiled at Hawk as he stood in the doorway in nothing but his boxers. "Well, Kyler, honey, you told me if sex and satisfaction was so important to me, I should deal with it myself. So Hawk is here to help me with that."

"That wasn't what I meant!" Kyler shouted.

"Well, why do you care? You didn't before," she said, giving an exaggerated pout.

Hawk walked over and took the vibe from her, taking over. He pushed it into her but barely, teasing her with it. She moaned, laying back on the mattress. However he didn't do that for long before taking the toy and turning it off, then tossed it aside. As he started crawling onto the bed, Kyler made a fuss.

"Hey! Hey, what d'you think you're doing?" he huffed from the corner. He struggled against his restraints but it was useless. She'd made sure to lock them tight, knowing he was going to whine and complain about it later. "That's my wife!"

Hawk scoffed, turning to look at Kyler with an unamused look. "I don't think she really wants to be your wife anymore, since you don't treat her right."

"I give her everything she wants, man. I've got all the money she could want. I mean, what the fuck do you have that I don't?"

"Well, first of all, you're not even listening to her now," Hawk said, gesturing to Reader as she laid out so pretty on the bed. He got an eyeful of her, licking his lips before turning back to Kyler. "She doesn't care about your money. Money can't buy her pleasure. Not like this."

He then went on to push his boxers off, revealing his thick, long cock. It sprung free and smacked his stomach, making his groan. He then grabbed himself and started fishing his cock. "This is what a woman deserves. A nice orgasm from a real cock."

Kyler shut up and looked away from Hawk, feeling a little emasculated. Before him was not only a guy he'd bullied the shit out of in high school, but he was also someone that had beat him up too. Now he was here, in his house with his wife, and he had a bigger cock than him too. If only he saw the way it wasn't about who had the bigger dick but about which one of them actually cared for Reader, but his skull was too thick for him to understand something as simple as that. Instead, all he saw was himself losing again with his aching cock locked in a stupid cage.

Hawk turned to Reader with a brash, unapologetic smile. She gave it back to him before slipping her panties off and tossing them aside. He licked his lips and crawled onto the bed foregoing eating her out because he wanted to make sure she came on his cock. She didn't mind.

They kissed each other hungrily, Reader wrapping her arms around him and pulling him against her. Soft tits met his hardened, lean chest and rubbed against her nipples. It made her shudder and gave him the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth. One of his hands traveled down her front in the meantime, feeling her up and giving her belly a nice squeeze. Then hisnfingers brushed her folds and she sighed into his mouth, needy and ready for him.

He barely pulled away from her to speak. His voice came out raspy and husky. "Gonna make you feel so good, you won't even know what to do with yourself."

He sent shivers down her spine and her cunt throbbed with need. She was so deprived of good sex, she could hardly wait for him anymore. Just his words made her wet and by the time he led the tip of his cock to her pussy, she was soaked.

Her head fell back as he pushed into her, but she whined when he stopped halfway only to let out a gasp as he pushed her knees into the mattress. Now she was all splayed out and open for him, and for Kyler to see just what Hawkndid to make her feel so good. He continued to push into her after that, bottoming out a moment later and stilling again to let her adjust.

"Oh my god," she moaned, looking up at him. "So big."

"I know, you're not used to all this, huh?" He said, a little teasing. His thumb came down on her clit and rubbed little circles onto it to help loosen her up. "Let me take care of you."

After a moment of him playing with her clit, he started thrusting in and out of her tight cunt. Her moans overpowered the pouty whines and struggles from the corner of the room, making her forget all about her spineless husband in the corner. She was instead thrust into a world of pleasure given to her by none other than Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz, aka the guy she should have married.

He put one of her legs over his shoulder and used his free hand to play with her tits, pulling on them and pinching her nipples. He even smacks one, watching the way it bounced with the impact and force of his thrusts. Under him, she was divine and godly. She looked so pretty, eyes screwed shut as she moaned his name. Her nails dug into his waist as she tried to stay grounded in reality, but he planned on taking her to a whole other plain of pleasure.

Behind him, Kyler cursed up a storm. He called them all sorts of names and told them they were fucked for this. He mostly spat at Hawk for "stealing his girl" but failed to realize it was his own doing. Reader wasn't satisfied, in more ways than one, in their marriage and it was his own fault. But being Kyler, he'd blame anyone but himself for this happening. Furthermore, he saw Reader as an object more than a person. Their marriage wasn't sentiment, it was a status to him. He looked like a great husband on paper, with a job he got from his dad and a house that had too much space for two people, so he saw nothing wrong with it.

Except for the fact that now his wife was getting fucked by his rival. Hawk had never posed much of a threat, but in Kylers mind he was someone who needed to be constantly put down at one point. Now it was his turn to get knocked off of his high horse.

"Oh my god! Hawk!" Reader all but squealed. Her legs began to shake but his hold on them kept them in place. The earth-shattering orgasm building up was focused there and in her gut, which grew tighter and tighter with each thrust. "Hawk!"

Each time she moaned his name, it encouraged him. He hit that special spot just a little harder too, making her wither under him. He seethed as her nails scratched his back but he took it proudly. It was an honor to get fucked up by her.

"Kiss me," she whimpered, trying to pull him close.

He leaned down, giving her what she wanted. Their lips met in a messy, sloppy kiss as he held her leg to her shoulder, moaning into each other's mouths. His hips began to hit harder against hers, making her ass jiggle under him. Her thighs shook with the pressure of pleasure and she soon tipped over the cliff and dove into the ocean of orgasm.

As soon as he velvet walls stsrted constricting around him, his thrusts stuttered. He fell in after her and his movement became choppy. He came in hot spurts, fucking it into her until he couldn't possibly keep going. Stilling over her, cock buried deep in her cunt, he groaned into her mouth.

He had to pull away for air, panting heavily. However, before he could catch all of his breath, he followed it up by pressing little kisses to her lips. Only after he started to taper off did he remember he was supposed to pull out.

"Holy fuck... fuck... shit, 'm sorry I came in you..." he panted.

She shook her, smiling through the ragged breathing. "Don't be... I fucking loved it."

She kissed him and it quickly deepened. He lowered her leg and laid on top of her, still buried inside her. She moaned as he seemed to sink deeper into her and wrapped her legs around him. He groaned and nipped at her lip, tugging on it teasingly.

They forgot all about Kyler in the corner as they giggled and made out with each other. He sat slouched in his chair, almost sliding out of it if not for planting his feet on the floor, angrily glaring at them. He was red all over, aching in his cage, wishing for the torment to be over. However, he knew it may be a while as the key was sandwiched between Reader's fat tits and Hawk's chest.

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nolongerapileofashprobably · 10 months

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I just want to say that BOTW/TOTK's Zelda is the first version of the character I've ever loved, and I've been a LoZ fan since OoT. It just frustrates me the way some fans lambast her for being angry at Link in BOTW and also claim she was wasted/fridged/sidelined/reduced to "pure sacrificial maiden" and had her adorable nerd personality stripped away in TOTK (also claiming her sacrifice in TOTK is an attempt to validate Rhoam's treatment of her in BOTW). I thought her arc in TOTK was a wonderful continuation of the one she had in BOTW and showed how much stronger she had grown. Poor gal can't catch a break. What are your thoughts?

….I do not know how long of an answer you expected, but I have so many thoughts. So. Many. Thoughts. And boy do I go on tangents when I should be sleeping. Anyway. Here you go :)

For the most part, I hold a lot of the Zelda’s near and dear to my heart! Though, admittedly, it comes from the fandom’s exploration of these characters rather than just purely canonical content.

But Botw/Totk Zelda…. I don’t need any ‘additional’ content or exploration beyond what we see in the games to make me absolutely love and adore her. She is the most developed Zelda and she has an amazing arc— her complex feelings regarding her own magic, the complicated relationship she had with her father, the realistic exploration of her feelings regarding Link and how they went from jealousy and dislike to acceptance and adoration.

I always find that many complex and well developed characters are nearly always wasted on those who cannot look past mistakes (especially ones that set up future developments and start plot lines). Sometimes, people fixate on the moments writers use to cement that yes, this character is in a very low point of their life and the way they cope is not the ‘good’ way to.

The first memory in botw tells us that Zelda is none too thrilled to have Link as her knight attendant and the Hylian Champion. That she’s using him to project her own frustrations regarding her own failures. Which is the very introduction used to draw us in, make us curious about her history and how Link is tied into any of it.

So many just… can’t see past the reason we are shown this memory, nor why her frustrations led her to yell at Link. Because she was absolutely powerless and unlike Link who has had the Master Sword since he was 12, she had nothing to show. And her character is constantly forced to listen to her father, to heed the teachings she was vaguely given through one-off comments her mother and grandmother said. She was forbidden to pursue her hobbies and give it all up for the sake of the prophecy.

And then, to find out that Zelda awakened her powers through love, love for Link who she initially misjudged and mistreated, is so so powerful. Because she had grown to resent the spirits and herself. But Link. She grew to not only care for Link but to fall in love with him. And that instinct, that belief, that faith, that love. That is what sparked the power within her.

Zelda finally heard the spirit in the sword. She understood her part in this fight. For so long she had struggled to find her power, and she awakened it just in time to save Link, but at the cost of everyone else she held dear.

Something I don’t think a lot of people who criticize and hate Zelda understand is that Zelda’s pure and unwavering faith in Link is her drive to make these sacrifices. She knows it will be worth it. Because she believes in Link. And she supports him in whatever way she can. The reason they don’t understand this is because they can’t see past Zelda’s initial emotions regarding Link. They can’t see how she never believed in herself but she always had unflinching faith in him once she got to know him.

Then to see her accept that her magic has been sapped from its constant, draining use for the last 100 years at the end of botw…. It is a powerful moment. She fought so long to have those powers, ones her father berated her for not having access to, but she can finally accept that she can’t hear the spirit in the sword anymore. That’s development.

And for those who think Zelda’s cute adorable nerdiness was wiped from totk obviously don’t have the greatest history of understanding context clues. Zelda legitimately geeks out in the very first opening sequence of totk.

*totk Spoilers ahead*

She goes on and on about the Imprisoning War and the Zonai, taking pictures and obviously ecstatic about the discovery. She finds the Master Sword’s ability to heal itself fascinating. She founded research teams and build a school to further education in Hyrule. She wasn’t just a nerd. She was the Princess of Nerds.

Her sacrifice in ToTK is at surface level the action of a sacrificial maiden. Those who can’t read beyond that won’t understand it any other way. They won’t see how important it is that Fi sought Zelda thousands of years into the past, when in the beginning of botw she couldn’t even hear the spirits. They won’t understand how Zelda’s unflinching faith in Link parallels Link’s unflinching loyalty to Zelda. ToTK is a zelink centered game. Yep. I said it. We all know it’s true.

The entire plot revolves around, get this, Finding Princess Zelda.

Link’s entire motivation behind this game is to find Zelda. That is quite literally all he truly wants to do. He wants to find her. He isn’t there for duty. He just simply wants to find her.

And she is in the past, ensuring Link has every possible thing to help him secure a future for Hyrule. She went from detesting her place in the prophecy, from being forced to comply to her father’s choices, to embracing her role as the Princess of Hyrule and choosing her own way of aiding Link.

Totk gave Zelda the supportive father figure and guiding mother figure she sorely lack in botw. It showed us and Zelda that despite having the things she didn’t have, they still failed. Sonia was killed. Rauru had to sacrifice himself.

Zelda had to sacrifice herself. She was known for being stubborn, perceptive, analytical, and independent. Now she is known for her kindness, her intelligence, her empathy, and her compassion. And she sacrificed it all just to give Link the Master Sword. Because she had unwavering faith he could defeat Ganondorf.

Zelda is a RIDICULOUSLY complex character who has been through so much. But complexity is lost on those who only look for the simple, easy to understand things. So she is bound to have haters.

But for those who can understand and admire that development, we see Zelda for who she is. And if it’s any consolation, so does Link. While this game didn’t officially make zelink canon, they did make it canon that Link stayed by Zelda’s side after the Calamity. Once she was gone, they again made it canon that he would not stop until she was back with him. His Zelda. The one that rambles and excitedly tells Link that so much has happened.

Botw/totk Zelda is so so complex. And for that reason alone, she will have haters. But they don’t know or understand her. Not in any way that truly matters. Because those who do understand her and love her, well, it’s pretty clear that’s the way to go if Link’s main purpose and the entirety of totk tells us.

#I love her so much #sorry I have thoughts on her #I don’t know if this ramble makes sense atp #zelink #totk zelink #totk Zelda #botw zelink #loz botw #botw #link botw #the legend of zelda #botw link #zelda botw #zelink botw #the legend of zelda breath of the wild #loz totk spoilers #loz tears of the kingdom spoilers #loz totk #totk Link

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fumifooms · 3 months

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so glad you posted that compilation cus i literally can't stop thinking about chilchuck's succubi... everyone else's have so much to be said about them and are so much less straightforward than just classically sexual, but then chilchuck's Truly goes straight for the jugular. when i saw that one panel i could not stop jawdropping at how explicit they went with that implication like it's actually insane to me. i feel like it says a lot about him, what you said about him enjoying the simple pleasures of life like alcohol and sex, and he's really such... a guy. but if this is the most alluring form to him he really should get that divorce even if he still loves his wife i have to be honest LOL poor thing

YEAH literally it’s insane 💀I feel like due to the tension and action of the scene and the way the page is paneled it’s soo easy to brush over it and focus on other things without our eyes actually processing THAT. I have no clue how they’ll make it in the anime without just making it straight up obscene lmao, a friend joked that the sucking sound effect should be like a straw and I’d die laughing if Trigger does that. Maybe like slurping noodles instead. No clue what they’ll do genuinely.

I do believe Chilchuck is just Like That™️, but yes I also like to think that it reflects how deeper connections have hurt him in the past so he prefers relationships where he’s just there to do his job or just there to have fun without thinking and not have to worry about betrayal etc etc. He’s not there to think and have emotions he just wants to feel good for a while and be seduced and those things (succubi, sex alcohol etc) sure do that.

I wouldn’t say that this is the line crossed for why he shouldn’t get back with his wife though!! I do get the feeling that he and his wife just aren’t compatible and that they don’t communicate well, and with Chilchuck saying "I don’t know if it’ll go as well as in the stories, but I’ll try" about reaching out to her, and with idealization vs the actual person/thing being a big theme in Dungeon Meshi where we don’t know just how much he loves her or if he loves the ideal/memories of her, I do feel like they should reconcile but not get back together. BUT! I think the whole "most alluring form" thing shouldn’t be treated as the ultimatum that people often treat it as, the succubus chapters really reflect a bunch of themes that are present in the whole series, like ‘irrational instinctive desire vs what you actually want and need’ and such.

Again I’ll be spoiling a future analysis I want to make but… If the characters were to have their full minds in those chapters, what they rationally want most is very different than the succubus they got, something can be alluring but you’d still refuse it, like idk a cigar, hence why the succubi need to freeze their victims by reading their irrational desires so well. Chilchuck has gone 4 years since his separation with his wife still being faithful to her!!! FOUR!!! Had he his capacities he would not be cheating on her no sir. He’s marriage man have some faith. Had they their minds Laios and Marcille would be imagining Falin safe and welcoming instead. It’s much like with the Winged Lion, where the desires it twists the characters into aren’t the one they actually pursue (well, in Laios’ case at least. It emphases on them a ton even when it is a desire they show in everyday life), the monster twists the desires to have the outcome they want, it’s manipulation.

If your point is that the succubi don’t look like his wife though like come onnn you can’t either be asexual or think your partner is the literal prettiest person on Earth supermodel-like level to be with them and truly love them and be devoted come on… If that new blackhaired half-foot woman is her, then we saw with the succubi that he does favor her kind of eye shape, and idk that’s so much more romantic to me than hair color 🥺 Come onn he’s just a lil birthday guy he wants pleasure but he can’t fantasize about his wife bc it’d make him sad come onnn come on don’t hold it against him come onnn… Oh although I do read his "All your succubi are blonde, is your wife too?" "Shut up, don’t bring her up now!!" as guilt, bc he has a hard time thinking of himself as virtuous so I imagine in that moment he’s like "Man maybe this is why she left me… Maybe I really am not a virtuous husband…" and it’s like BUDDY a monster is playing you like a fiddle don’t make yourself feel bad over it 😭😭 I did write a fic around that concept though hehe 👈 But yes just defending my guy’s VIRTUES a bit out there. I do agree his wife had it rough, it must be so lonely and a lil devaluating to be his wife and always waiting on him and he can’t even work up the emotional maturity to voice that he loves you regularly when he is home 💀 Man is NOT a storybook prince charming

#Ask #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #chilchuck tims #spoilers #dungeon meshi manga spoilers #chapter 58 succubus #Meta #analysis #I did it again OTL I just love the topic of him and his wife sm…#It’s always a “yes but also” around me about Chilchuck. Ty Kui for inventing nuance ily #Nowadays with asks i never know if it’s that one serial asker or someone new so I never know from what basis to build upon lol #Chil likes forward women bc he’s too tired to court someone lol #Chilchuck’s wife

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mdhwrites · 3 months

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Can you explain to me how the Titan enforces Christian Fundamentalism?

The Titan makes the only crime Belos committed be that he was a false prophet. Luz is beyond reproach though because she is a true prophet and a true believer. She is then sent to murder a men, blessed with holy power and strength in her convictions, by that God... And we are supposed to cheer.

This isn't even much of an exaggeration or dramatization. The Titan's answer to Luz's fears about justifying horrible acts in the name of protecting others is essentially this. That Belos' true crime wasn't in wanting to kill, oppress or lie. It's that he did it for selfish, self aggrandizing reasons. That if he'd simply been honest and earnest, he might feel a little bad for a mistake or two here or there, like the Titan is about the Collector, but he would have been entirely justified in his genocide. Just like they are beyond approach for wanting this man dead.

As the show says "He wants to be a hero and have the power," but then Luz comes in, trying to have a badass one liner for her return and even says "Darn it, I still can't think of what to say" which isn't even a reference to an earlier part of the show (I don't think at least). It implies Luz waited to come back when it would be the most dramatic and when she was most ready to look the part of the hero. She even references Azura, the FICTIONAL HERO, in her last speech and goes back to the catchphrase she wanted for a hero just nuking a bitch. She TOOOOTALLY doesn't care about being a hero though and because of that, she's all good to be doing all of this. That's what the Titan claimed at least.

Worse yet is that we only really have the Titan's word for glory and power being all Belos cared about. The fucker spent CENTURIES on the Isles. He deformed his body and probably doesn't believe he'll go to Heaven anymore with how much magic he had to internalize in order to pursue the goal of genocide. Even when alone, with no one to prove anything to, he still talks about saving souls and just needing to survive to do this. He's okay with dying afterwards because he DOESN'T care about the glory. Literally the only time he seems to give a shit about other people's approval and the status this might get him is the Witch Hunter General lines and you know what, I don't think it's entirely unfair for him to hope to get some recognition out of four hundred years of work, even if that work was pure evil. You could maybe say Philip's journal shows a hero complex but A: that still doesn't make his belief in protecting others a lie, just means that he has an ego about it, and B: is from hundreds of years ago and he literally abandoned the journal eventually. Abandoned his own heroic tale. By the finale... His intentions are pure. At bare minimum, that's how they are framed by the show itself with his desperation to do this, even at the cost of ending himself. So why does he deserve to die by the show's logic?

Well... He doesn't. He doesn't even deserve to be stopped because his faith is earnest. Except... It's not the right faith, is it? Belos doesn't believe in magic. Doesn't believe in the Titan. He is a blasphemer and false prophet. But now Luz has actually spoken with the Titan, been friends with his son and spread her ideals across the Isles, ideals which are strictly not the Isle's ways but that do theoretically make the basis of the Titan claiming she's a good witch (which is also referencing Azura potentially). The literal first person we meet on the Isles doesn't give a shit about things like lying, cheating, etc. and the early episodes give the impression that no one here does. That Belos doesn't force conformity on that matter even, making it so that these baseline morals that Luz disagrees with are earnest and honest. And yet, none of them are allowed to stay that way. They all enter her fold and listen to explicitly her morality. A morality that happens to line up with Christian morals and that the Titan seems to approve of.

And again, that's not interpretation. The finale actually straight up confirms this isn't the Isle's morality and REVELS in that fact. Belos begs for his life, saying they are not murderers, scoundrels and killers. That their culture demands better of them because they're human. Luz doesn't disagree... But she also doesn't do the act herself (unless you want to say she brought on the rain, but then you have her boiling a man to death which is just HORRIFYING.) Then, in a moment we're supposed to cheer for, Luz's closest connections with the Isles, and Raine tacked on, show up, proudly say they're not better than murderers, and stomp the fucker out. Not a quick mercy killing like a blast of magic or a magic scream might have done. Not the eviscerating explosion Luz had to do as a part of stopping him. No, instead, they brutally stomp out a defenseless, dying man before Raine literally says, "That was satisfying."

Our. Heroes.

And don't get me wrong: Belos needed to die. Thematically it's correct and narratively it's correct. The problem is how the show frames this final conflict. It literally asks if it's okay to kill him. What is a reasonable justification for murder. For even wanting another person to die. For a lot of kids, this might be the first time they hear ANY nuance on this topic. So what is the lesson imparted? Is it that sometimes force is necessary but we should only do it when we are certain that more lives will be lost otherwise and that there is no other option? That'd be a great way to show the Titan actually learned something from his mistake with the Collector. Is it that we can't show tolerance to the intolerant because they will only ever take and destroy? Refute an argument that modern racists use to allow hate speech and actions against others. Is it the simple fact that because Luz actually fears being monstrous, she won't end up the same way because that fear and hesitation will never let her commit the sort of genocide that Belos desires? Or heck, say they aren't racist without saying the word by going "We judge him for his actions and the cruelties he has committed, not by the cruelties of a people or the circumstances of their birth." All of which would be varying degrees of fine morality wise and are genuinely ways good people cope with having to commit horrific violence.

No. Instead, it's just that one did it while excusing it with lies while Luz will do it with pure faith in her heart. You... You do know that the VAST majority of Christians literally use this as a way to dismiss bad actors in the church itself? "He doesn't represent all Christians! He didn't actually hold the faith!" Do you think every brimstone and fire preacher is just a complete liar and not a SINGLE one of them genuinely believes what they preach? Because I'm sorry to break it to you but even as far back as the fucking Crusades, while sure the leaders were corrupt, secular men, most of the soldiers were genuinely god fearing people, terrified for their souls and seeking this as their only form of penance, especially as they saw it as protecting Christianity. It's one of the reasons they were able to do so much damage because the goal for the common soldier wasn't conquest or national pride. It was to murder the other culture who had taken sacred land. They believed earnestly... So were they justified in the massacres of civilians that they committed?

And this is without getting into how we have literally a Holy Trinity of the father (the Titan's corpse), the son (King, who is exceptionally self sacrificing eventually), and the holy ghost, in a very literal sense. Or how about the glyphs being called the Titan's Language and given to Luz to empower her? How invoking simply his words grants one exceptional power? The Hexside Squad in the finale use glyphs, half of them for the first time, to supplement their powers while dead exhausted and it doesn't seem to just be able to help them, it is still keeping them close to their normal power level and potentially energizing them with how not tired they appear to be while doing this. Almost like they're prayers, pulling on the power of a higher being.

But those elements don't matter. For the sake of the Titan supporting Christian Fundamentalism, all that matters is that he puts faith above what is morally correct. That you can excuse any action so long as you are genuine in the belief that you are doing it for the right reasons. Eda could be making this same argument and it would still be wrong and morally reprehensible.

It's literally "The ends justify the means," and how is that your final lesson, for your main character, in a KID'S SHOW? Let alone when that is EXACTLY the argument Belos, THE VILLAIN, has always made. Not just with wiping out witches but with petrification, lying to Lilith, manipulating Hunter, etc. etc. That it was all justified for his grand, 'good' ends.

I already stated arguments that could have been made, that wouldn't have taken much more time to do (if any), that would fix this so don't you DARE even consider bringing up the shortening with this. It is one scene that does the vast majority of this. Arguably, like five lines tops. Five lines that destroy the morality of your very show and any chance at saying Christian Fundamentalism is wrong.

All because its last message wasn't that prophets should be questioned. Only that there are prophets to listen to explicitly and that you should avoid false prophets... Somehow. Maybe just ask if they like anime I guess?

======+++++======

This was first written before I saw the finale, then I tried to make minor adjustments because of the better absorption of events but ended up rewriting the whole thing because I wanted to better focus on just the hypocrisy and god awful morals than talking about if the Titan counted as God or god.

Also, just for those curious: I was raised on Christian morals and did go to church when I was VERY young. My faith nowadays is that I consider there to be comfort in there being a higher power but that I do not care what form they take, nor do I really like organized religion as while it brings comfort and community to many, it also is all too easy to corrupt with personal greed and anger. I've been told the closest label to this is agnostic.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

#the owl house criticism #toh critical #toh #the owl house #the titan toh

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sweetingseva · 5 months

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Jacks, The Boy Who Swore to Never Love ❤️‍🩹🍎✨

Happy Belated Birthday, Jacks! 🥳

I wanted to post this on his actual b-day, but time got the best of me and I wanted to perfect this post with everything I wanted to say about him. Sorry that I took this long, but at least most people have most likely have read ACFTL.

This will have spoilers from Legendary, Finale, Once Upon A Broken Heart, The Ballad of Never After, and A Curse For True Love.

🩸🍎✨~~~🩸🍎✨~~~🩸🍎✨~~~🩸🍎✨

I actually cheated when I first read him. I started reading Legendary but then I stopped and I had forgotten about the Prince of Hearts mentioned in the first few chapters. When Once Upon A Broken Heart came out, I met Jacks again and I instantly fell in love with his character. He was funny, ridiculous, and beyond reckless. The line that sold his character to me?

Jacks had stopped the wedding by turning everyone to stone.

But before I continued with his story in OUABH, I jumped back into Legendary where Jacks was much the same careless boy who wanted royal power because it was the closest to having his full Fate powers. But other than Jacks being stuck inside a deck of cards, we didn’t know much about his story other than he was a dangerous Fate with the one of the most deadly stories out there.

The Prince of Hearts’s kiss was deadly to all. He only had one weakness—his true love—who could survive his kiss of death. As he sought her, he left a trail of corpses.

One could imagine the kind of life Jacks led before he met Tella. Was he a flirt? Did he kiss just any girl? Did he even care about them? Was he still searching for true love? Did he still believe in it?

I had assumed that Jacks was broken to the point that he simply didn’t care anymore. He kissed so many potential lovers, but in the end, none of them made it. We learn in A Curse For True Love that the girls must have truly loved Jacks, which is why all of them fell into the same fate as his first fox.

Until Tella changed the course of his beliefs in Legendary.

His heart started beating. Tella survived Jacks’s kiss despite him delaying her death.

How did this happen? To Jacks, it didn’t matter. Hope washed over him and led him to pursue Tella (even if it was 2 months after the fact). It was clear that Jacks believed in the story and was something he had faith in again. But Tella was in love with someone else, which is the sole reason why she survived Jacks’s deadly kiss.

In ACFTL, Aurora Valor had said that only a person who would never love him can kiss him and live.

That was the true version of his story. Not that his true love could kiss him, but someone who was destined not to be with him. I felt so much for Jacks when I read this. Aurora had cursed him twice, leaving him heartbroken beyond belief. His heart was something that could be owned, not something to be earned.

Before I move on with his reservation for love, I want to dive in deeper in Jacks’s relationships, especially his friendship with Castor Valor (Chaos).

Chaos 🩸🧛🏻

There were three of them—Lyric Merrywood, Castor Valor, and Jacks of the Hollow—that made up the Merrywood Three. Jacks’s old friends who he cared about a lot. In a way, they were like brothers. In The Ballad of Never After, Evangeline opened a curious book and read about the Merrywood Three and a specific Archer who resembled Jacks.

And being human looked good on him—or maybe it was just that he looked happy. In the picture, Jacks was tossing an ordinary red apple and laughing in a way that lit up his entire face. He never looked this happy now, and she couldn’t help but wonder what had changed… His resemblance to the picture was uncanny, and yet the feeling she got from looking at him now was entirely different. It was as if a sculptor had taken a dagger to who he had once been and curved out all the softness.

Jacks was once foolish with hope and love. As a possible Merrywood, he might have been raised with the same generous morals. He believed in doing the right thing, that everything would be all right. It was this selfless faith that pushed Jacks to save his friend, Castor, who had been stabbed in the back. Trying to be the savior, Jacks took a half-dead Castor to Honora Valor who could heal him with her healing magic. But it was too late. Other means had tranformed Castor to a bloodthirsty monster.

Jacks blamed himself for what had happened to him.

Castor was the only friend Jacks had left. Lyric Merrywood and the rest of his family had been killed. The Merrywood Manor was destroyed, and the village was left abandoned. After the Valors were locked up in the Valory behind the Valory Arch, Jacks had became a Fate so that Castor wasn’t alone. This showed that he was a good person.

One of the reasons Jacks had allowed himself to be turned into a Fate was so that Castor wouldn’t be alone. Then he’d started the rumor that Castor was Chaos and that Chaos was a Fate, so that the world wouldn’t figure out he was the last remaining Valor.

This act is one of the most beautiful things about Jacks’s character, and one we shouldn’t ignore. Even though Jacks is known for being callous, cocky, and selfish, his gentle side is the most important facet of his character. It is what drives many of his decision. But behind this decision, Castor had caused so much death and pain. Tragedy after tragedy that no one can take back. This reality must have affected Jacks.

It isn’t weak of Jacks to display these kind of vulnerabilities. I think Stephanie did a great job showing Jacks’s vulnerable side in TBONA and especially in ACFTL. It’s what I always wanted to see from him.

Tella 💙🗡

I remember the first time I saw Jacks pour his heart out and it was in his plead to Tella to love him in Finale.

“You were supposed to be my true love. You were supposed to want me, not him. You were supposed to be as obsessed with me as I am with you… When I told Legend I’d kill you if he didn’t give me the power I needed, I didn’t mean it—I wouldn’t have done it. A part of me even hoped he’d say no, so that you would walk away from him and choose me. I’m selfish, and I want you, but I would never harm you.”

The way he spoke here was such a surprise. Until then, I always thought Jacks was a pest, wedging in between Tella and Legend, but perhaps it wasn’t just about this. It was about Jacks’s need for love, to crave it so much that it didn’t matter that his immortality was at risk. Jacks did everything to win Tella, even to the point that he would rather put a love spell over Tella for her to stay with him if not at all.

Finally, after years and years, Jacks finally found the answer to his curse. A girl had kissed him and made his heart beat. What a sick joke that Aurora pulled on him since this fierce hope eventually caused him pain when the girl stabbed him and chose someone else. His walls stacked up all around his heart and his love again.

No doubt that this was the greatest heartbreak Jacks had ever felt.

But this is just one of the many.

Jacks had lost his first fox girl, his family, his friends, and the soft nature of his heart. Dozens of girls had fallen for him and died, one survived his kiss and made his heart beat but left him heartbroken, and then Evangeline, the girl he truly ever loved, died.

Evangeline 🦊💘

Evangeline Fox is the closest person to who he once was when he was just Jacks of the Hollow. Since the beginning, Evangeline felt gulity when she put her trust into a Fate and turned all of the wedding guests into stone. But it was her belief in love who brought her to Jacks, the Prince of Hearts. Because she believed he knew about heartbreak and unrequited love, Evangeline thought he would be understanding to her plight.

Which she isn’t entirely wrong.

Jacks knew heartbreak, loss, and unrequited love.

But he knew to cover his pain behind this flirtatious and wild personality well.

After Evangeline returned, Jacks was cold as ice. He had lost the only legitimate chance of love. Who wouldn’t be dejected after a rejection? He said it himself, that heartbreak “turns you into a masochist, making you long for the thing that just eviscerated you until there’s nothing left of you to be destroyed.”

It seems like hope is not all lost since Jacks is in search of the stones once more to get back to this “love.” To have another shot with Tella.

Once again, Jacks’s past self shines through with this hope for true love that seemed awfully familiar. But it was the idea of love, not love itself, that Jacks was chasing here.

It was the chance that everything could be good again. That he didn’t need to be alone.

Evangeline was the kind of soul who helped open his heart. In the crypt, Evangeline wasn’t afraid to ask him questions about his story and his heartbreak. Both of them had a common ground, which made it easier for them to talk about their failed chances of love. I truly believed that it was this scene that helped Jacks drop his guard and forget Tella for just a little bit.

For the first time in a while, he had thought of someone’s needs before his. He wrapped Evangeline with her cloak. I’d never forget that gesture. The firsts of the firsts. And it didn’t stop here.

In TBONA, Jacks continued to show that same care toward Evangeline. He protected her against bloodthirsty vampires, her mean stepsister, bratty gossipers, and even curses. Without any catches. He did them without asking anything in return. Without knowing, Jacks had warmed up to Evangeline. They teased each other, got under each other’s skin, and compromised like equal individuals.

It got to the point that their attraction to each other was so clear that LaLa thought Jacks was going to kiss Evangeline in the middle of her engagement party. What was sweet to me, that even though Jacks passed himself as dismissive villain to Evangeline, he truly cared about her and searched for a way to remove the curse bestowed on Evangeline.

He’d told her not to look for a cure to the Archer’s curse. He’d repeatedly said it was pointless. But it seemed as if he was doing just that… Evangeline couldn’t let herself think that Jacks’s search for a cure meant he cared for her. She knew this was true, yet it was getting a little harder to fully believe it. Because she was starting to care for him.

Like Jacks knew more than anyone that the Archer’s curse was unbreakable and yet he still tried to find a way…for Evangeline. My heart can’t take it. I’m seriously swooning all over again. Jacks cares about Evangeline. It’s so tender and soft and selfless that it captures the true aspect of Jacks’s character.

When Jacks and Evangeline are in the Hollow, their relationship develops into something more. Something beautiful and hopeful and a page out of a fairytale. We come to know in ACFTL that their time there was Jacks’s happiest day. EVER. I am distraught. Jacks opens up a little more about what happened at the Merrywood Manor.

Guilt clinged to him as he recalled trying to save Castor, as he tried to be a hero that night. Saving Evangeline was not him being a hero. Which is such a sad thought for him to have and yet it made total sense why he would feel this way. Because he couldn’t be a savior that day, he probably believes that anything he does isn’t enough. He could never save anyone again.

It opened up that raw part of him that we only ever see when he’s with Evangeline. She tries to understand his past and make him realize that he had done kind things for her, like holding her as she cried, carrying her as she bled, and bandaging her wounds when she was lashed via mirror curse. Jacks had been there for her.

The Hollow was the last place he was after he became Fate, which meant it was a place that he couldn’t find himself to return to because of all of the memories. Yet it was the place Jacks allowed himself to live in the moment with Evangeline. Being with Evangeline helped him drop his guard and do things that made my brows jump.

He cuddled with her, had breakfast and lunch with her, and lived a peaceful moment in the middle of all the cursed chaos.

In the morning, you can forget it. You can go back to pretending you don’t like me, and I can pretend that I don’t care. But for tonight, let me pretend you’re mine… If it’s easier, you can pretend, too. You can pretend that I’m still Jacks of the Hollow and that you want to be mine.

Evangeline thought he was being delirous but Jacks quickly set the record straight and denied that he was. It was probably the most genuine request he ever had.

Without a doubt he was in love. So in love. Nothing else was important. You can actually feel the happiness and hopefulness from the page. As much as this was Evangeline's happiness, this was also Jacks's.

Then there comes the moment Evangeline lets him go, tells him what he's feeling isn't real, and that it would all be over.

This was crushing.

Jacks's eyes were red. A flicker of pain passed over his features. He wanted to kiss Evangeline. He knew what he was feeling and yet the girl he has come to love has told him that whatever she was feeling for him was because of a rock.

One-sided love. Like the Hollow once Evangeline took the mirth stone, Jacks turned cold and brushed off Evangeline. He was harsh. He was hurt. When he got back to Chaos's Underground Lair, he turned his room upside down and ate so many apples.

With Evangeline's rejection, Jacks firmly believes that the love meant for him is with Tella. Even if he didn't love her. Even if Tella didn't want him.

The whole confrontation between Evangeline and Jacks revealed to us what Jacks wanted exactly. To go back to Tella, his "true love." Because she was the only who survived his kiss. This was the girl the curse promised him. It was her or no one.

Evangeline thought otherwise. But it didn't matter. Jacks cared so much about her that he rather they never met. Because if they keep going down the path, Jacks will not be able to hold himself back and kissing Evangeline.

His love would destroy her. His kiss would kill her. Jacks would do anything to prevent her from becoming another fox.

Despite what he tells her, Evangeline has become the most important person to him. Nothing has been so clearer than when Jacks's final words to Evangeline before she passed away.

“Evangeline—” His voice was hoarse. “Come back to me.…”

Side note, this was my favorite quote. I think this has to be my most favorite one in all of the books. I remembered gasping when I read it. My jaw literally dropped. It was the most truthful thing that Jacks has ever said.

Come back. To him.

Like, WOWWW!

Unable to accept Evangeline's passing, he took the stones and made a decision. The stones can only grant one wish. He was planning to use it to go back to Tella. But he took them and went back in time to save Evangeline.

“There is nothing of equal value to me.”

HE REWROTE HISTORY. HE CHOSE ANOTHER ENDING FOR THEM.

IS THERE ANY LOVE MORE TRUER THAN THEIRS? We’re finally at that part where we know, without a doubt, that Jacks loves Evangeline. If the “You’re not her” scene left any doubts, then they were long gone at this point. They could be endgame, this could be it, we could finally see a happy evajacks.

Until Apollo Acadian came in possessing a magic given to him by Aurora and tore Evangeline and Jacks apart by taking Evangeline’s memories of the past year.

Now we all know what happened behind the scenes here, so I’ll skip right ahead to the subject on hand. Guilt.

Jacks’s Guilt 💔

This is where Jacks’s heart has been, in a cold and unforgiving place surrounded by thick, tall walls made of steel. Since the beginning, all that Jacks has ever known was tragedy and remorse. When he learned that Evangeline had forgotten her memories, he believed it was because of his fault. Queen Honora had warned him against him going back in time and stopping Castor from killing Evangeline.

“That is not a small mistake to fix. If you do this, Time will take something equally valuable from you.”

Jacks thought that Time woul take it on him. Never Evangeline. He was to blame for Evangeline’s lost memories.

Guilt. It is the reason for the next steps he took in ACFTL. He still thinks that he isn’t a great fit for Evangeline because of his cursed kiss and the possibility that he could kill her if he wasn’t careful. Evangeline is safe with Apollo, happy even, where she should have been if it wasn’t for him. Apollo and Evangeline would have the fairytale love that Evangeline always wanted. Once he knew she could fend for herself, then he would leave forever and throw his heart into the fire of the Phoenix Tree, where he’d never have to feel this much for anyone or anything ever again. This way Evangeline could be safe from him.

If only it was that easy.

Jacks can’t seem to leave Evangeline alone. She’s always in his sight. He loves her, and when Evangeline sees him again, it hurts him to know that she’s not looking at him like before. That she had forgotten everything about him. Despite what Jacks had planned, he wants her to remember him and know him. He has hurt everyone, even her, so it shouldn’t make sense that he deserves a happy ending.

I think this is the most heartbreaking and most truthful thing about Jacks’s character. Because he couldn’t be a hero when Vengeance Slaughterwood killed the Merrywoods, he thinks he deserves so much worse. He deserves nothing.

He’d been brokenhearted. Not in the same sense that most people thought of, as if one person had broken his heart. Jacks’s heart had been broken over and over again unti it was no longer capable of hope and care and love.

Chapter 41 gives us the true reason for why Jacks is the way he is and more. Basically, everything I have listed above communicated between Evangeline and Jacks’s dialogue.

“You died, Evangeline. I held you in my arms as it happened.”

“Jacks … I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never died.”

“Yes, you did. The night you opened the Valory. The first time you did it, I didn’t go with you.” I couldn’t say goodbye. “It was only you and Chaos. As soon as his helm was off, he killed you. I tried to stop him—I tried to save you—but I couldn’t. When I got there, he had already bitten you—and he’d already taken too much blood. You died as soon as you were in my arms. The only thing I could do was use the stones to turn back time. I was warned it would cost me. I didn’t imagine it would take from you.” I’m sorry.

“You don’t need to be sorry, Jacks.”

“It’s my fault.”

Reading this whole exchange broke my heart. I could feel his guilt and suddenly realize that he’s been hiding his guilt behind this confident and careless act. Here, we could see this was another awful thing he did to Evangeline. Before Evangeline went with Chaos, Jacks had hurt her by telling her that he wanted to go back to Tella and that she wasn’t the one he wanted. When Evangeline opened the Valory for the second time, Jacks was yelling at her to leave, being rude to her so that she’d live. He’d been cruel. And that was how it ended between them before she really forgot everything.

I love Evangeline Fox so much. It has been really rare to find a character like her whose strength was her kindness and hope for greater and impossible things. Though this was a story centered around her search for true love, this was Jacks’s culmination of his pain and guilt.

Above everything else, Evangeline chose him for who he was and is. He was the villain, he was her monster, but he was also her true love and hers. This beautiful faith that Evangeline had in Jacks was what ultimately broke his curse. Jacks said “I love you” openly to Evangeline and you can see it as the truth. Sometimes something so simple is so poignant. There’s nothing to say but the truth of it all, and that was how I interpreted Jacks’s confession to her.

When Jacks confronted Apollo about Evangeline’s memories, it was met with fisted hands and brutal curses. I’m so glad we got to see Jacks pour out all his anger on him and let go for once. It was so cool to see. And I think he needed it.

Jacks chose Evangeline. His heart was with her. It didn’t matter to him where they went, as long as it was with her.

Conclusion

Pain is what made Jacks. I used to think he was being dramatic when he said it to Evangeline in OUABH. How could I? Haha. I even believed he was heartbroken because of Tella. But his pain wasn’t just about her, it was about everything that happened in his past. Lyric. Castor. The First Fox Girl. The girls he kissed and killed. Evangeline’s death and lost memories. His failure of being a hero.

In the Caraval trilogy, Jacks was aloof, troubling, and selfish. He wanted power. Then his heart started beating soon after it was clear Tella survived his kiss. He wanted love, no matter if it wasn’t real. Unlike the other Fates, Jacks wanted something simple and beautiful as someone choosing him because they loved him.

Even when he found that love, Jacks had selflessly chosen Evangeline’s safety over his desires because he cared about her. At heart, he had always been a caring and hopeful person. In the end, Jacks found happiness and Evangeline found her great love.

Nothing can stop them now.

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cosmicjoke · 4 months

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Levi and the importance of staying true to ones heart:

I'm gonna' talk about another aspect of Levi's choice in Shinganshina, but first, I want to dedicate this post to all the little bitch eruri shippers out there who are too scared to come off anon, who now can't send me hate messages over it since I turned anon asks off and ya'll are a bunch of cowards. Hope you enjoy this one, because it's for you.

I was thinking about an ask I got a few days ago, about why Erwin chose Hange over Levi to take over as commander, and why in turn Hange chose Armin, and I answered that I thought it had a lot to do with Levi's own philosophy of "no regrets", that is, Levi's insistence on always following ones heart, doing what one feels is the right thing in any, given situation. Not necessarily right in terms of what the outcome will be, but right in terms of how your choice will sit with your conscience.

I think obviously, this aspect of Levi's character, his belief in always doing what your heart tells you to do, is evidenced by his choice in Shinganshina, to give Armin the serum and to let Erwin die.

Putting aside all arguments regarding whether it was the right thing to do "for humanity", I think what maybe people don't focus on enough when it comes to this moment is whether it was the right thing to do morally.

I've talked before about how Levi's choice was really an act of compassion over ideology, here: https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicjoke/737207612761915392/the-importance-of-compassion-over-ideology-levis?source=share And I think it's worth revisiting this aspect of his choice again.

I think people get so caught up in the concept of "the greater good" when discussing "Attack on Titan", and this moment in particular, that they miss one of the main overarching themes of the story, which is that the "greater good", particularly, things done in the name of the greater good, can actually lead to horrific atrocities and cruelty, and that the idea of the "greater good" itself is based in subjectivity, and never absolute. It isn't something we should ever prioritize over the tangible and concrete reality before us. That tangible and concrete reality being the things we can do to alleviate the suffering of others now, rather than hoping for and pursuing some idyllic utopian future where nobody ever has to suffer, and, ironically, causing people to suffer in the pursuit of that goal.

I talk a lot too about how I don't think Levi has ever held any great faith in the concept of a better world. I think Levi is a realist. Someone who understands and accepts the bleak reality of life on this planet, someone who accepts human nature, who knows that a utopian existence isn't really possible because of that reality, but who, despite that, still maintains a great depth of kindness and compassion toward others, still values life and the right of others to live.

His support of his comrades in the Survey Corps has more to do with his wish to fight for them, to support their own, personal dream of a better world, than it does his own belief in that better world. He thinks of Erwin as a "greater existence" than himself, to quote Isayama, because he believes Erwin is able to conceptualize and believe in a better world, to see that possibility, while Levi himself can't.

What Levi is fighting for is people, not a concept. That's always been true of Levi, I think. We see that manifest in multiple ways, multiple times throughout the story. In Levi's first appearance, when he holds that dying soldier's hand and promises him that his sacrifice will give Levi the strength to keep fighting. When he gives Petra's patch to that grieving soldier. When he goes out of his way to help the people of Trost. When he saves Ramzi, endangering their mission to rescue a single child. When he refuses to accept right away that Eren has gone rogue, to turn on him, because so many of his comrades died for him and Levi can't bear the thought of them having sacrificed their lives for nothing. And we see it manifest in his choice to let Erwin die. He prioritizes a person over a concept. And I think that fact emphasizes the great morality of Levi's choice, and ultimately, the rightness of it. Concepts are just that. They aren't real. They're ideas. But people are real. People exist. People matter.

Armin talks early on about the need to abandon ones humanity in order to achieve victory. Erwin's entire character revolves around this premise. He's seen as a great and visionary leader because of his ability to detach himself from human emotion and make tough decisions and sacrifices. Basically, for his ability to engage the concept of the ends justifying the means. Whatever it takes to "win".

But then, what does winning even mean, what does salvation for humanity mean, if in the pursuit of it, we lose our humanity?

Levi talks about being willing to take on the role of a "monster" if it means nobody else having to. He understands that, if people are forced to lose their humanity in pursuit of freedom, then freedom itself is rendered meaningless. There is no salvation for humanity if we ourselves lose sight of what it means to be human. Levi says he's willing to become a monster, that he's willing to lose his humanity, as long as no one else has to. He's willing to make that sacrifice.

But what Levi's choice in Shinganshina shows us is that he actually wasn't able to abandon his humanity at all. He never was a monster, and never actually could be. Because he couldn't, in the end, look upon the suffering of another human being, and ignore it.

That goes back to what I said about why Erwin chose Hange, and why Hange chose Armin. To be an effective leader, in order to achieve "victory" of some abstract goal, one has to be able to abandon their humanity. And Levi can't.

Levi is the most compassionate and empathetic character in AoT. And part of the reason for that is because of the inherent nature of that compassion. He isn't able to give up his humanity, he isn't able to lose it, because it's too much a part of him, too deeply rooted in who he actually is. It's the driving force behind everything he is and does. The beating, bleeding heart and soul of the Survey Corps. His presence, his role within the story, in many ways, functions as the moral compass by which both the audience and the other characters are guided.

Even in the face of violence, war, atrocity, and prejudice, even in pursuit of some concept of "the greater good", Levi can't bring himself to actual cruelty. Because that's what it would have been, to give Erwin the serum. It would have been an act of cruelty, against a man who didn't deserve it. And, again, if in the pursuit of a better tomorrow, we ourselves become cruel, pitiless, unempathetic, merciless, how can a better tomorrow actually be achieved? What salvation is there for humanity if, by the end, we have no humanity left in ourselves?

Erwin was able to abandon his humanity in pursuit of a personal dream, and we saw where it ultimately lead him. Into a state of such utter depression, and so wracked by guilt, that he became ineffectual, needing Levi to do the right thing for him. Erwin had strayed down a path that went against his heart.

That's something Levi was never able to do. Go against his heart. Go against what he felt was right. The only time we really see Levi do something that doesn't sit right with him is when he helps Hange to torture Sannes, under Erwin's orders and as a favor to Hange. Levi is noticeably less enthused about the whole affair than Hange, taking no actual pleasure in the exercise, even visibly distraught over Hange's level of cruelty. And still we see after how heavily that weighs on him. He completely forgets to inform Historia of the information they tortured Sannes for in the first place, and then explodes on her when she refuses out of self-pity to take on the role of queen, threatening to render the whole thing pointless. Do what your heart tells you, this is something Levi emphasizes to others again and again, which is what I mean when I say he acts as the moral compass of the story. Do the best you can, make the choice you won't regret. That doesn't mean the choice that will have the best outcome. That means the choice which will sit well with your conscience.

And I think in order to understand Levi's choice in Shinganshina, one needs to understand what sort of choice it was. Levi's choice, in its purist form, was a choice of the heart. It was a moral choice, decided upon through conscience, through the understanding, at an intrinsic level, what was right, rather than some ideological pursuit with an intangible endpoint.

He knew it was wrong to bring Erwin back into the world, and to put the same expectations on him to be the great leader he had been. He knew, in its way, that to do so would be to betray his own declaration, of taking on the role of a monster for himself so long as it spared anyone else from having to do the same. Erwin was corrupted by his dream. The threat of that corruption promised to make him into a monster. And Levi wasn't going to let that happen, just like he said. He wasn't going to allow Erwin to lose his humanity, even if it meant condemning himself.

Whether one wants to argue over Levi's choice being the right choice for humanity's salvation or not, what I don't think is up for discussion is that Levi's choice was, in the end, the right choice morally. And no, that doesn't mean Levi chose Erwin over humanity, or that he sacrificed humanity for Erwin because he loved him. It means he chose compassion over an idea. He chose humanity over a concept. He chose a person over an ideal. Because it was the choice that rejected the ideology and the dogmatism of "the greater good" in favor of something real, which was kindness and mercy for another human being. It was a rejection of cruelty and barbarism in pursuit of some evanescent and ultimately meaningless concept.

There is no greater good without morality. There is no salvation for humanity without mercy or compassion.

#Levi Ackerman #attack on titan #shingkei no kyojin #Erwin Smith #meta #commentary #analysis #suck my big fat one eruris #you bunch of pansy-ass cowards

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