#can you tell i am very wow at handling social media

[gomzdrawfr]

would u guys mind if i post like a gazillion shit in one day and then suddenly disappear the other and then dump an ocean of doodle again on the next

#can you tell i am very wow at handling social media #idk man #sometimes i have a tiny voice in my head that has like #a manager voice that goes #'NO! BAD! we need to load out these “episode” one by one to build up the tension for season 2!' #the urge to just fucking ramble and just drops like the entire lore of priceraven in one day #i will control myself #for now. #somedays the demons will win #gummmyspeaks

[cyanoticfireflies]

Hazbin Group Chat Fic, pt 1

* CharChar added PurpleFemale, SeXXXySpider, SssirP, Husk, NaNaNaNiff, and Alastor to “Hazbin Hotel’s Home for Imaginary Friends” *

CharChar: Hi, friends!

SssirP: But… but we’re not imaginary.

PurpleFemale: I think it’s related to some TV show on earth.

SeXXXySpider: Shh, don’t say the T-dot-V word or flat-face will come spy on us.

SeXXXySpider: Also wow @ Husk & Alastor.  We can totally tell who are the digital grandpas in this friend group.

Alastor: I beg your pardon?

NaNaNaNiff: Ehehe, your usernames.

Alastor: Yes?

NaNaNaNiff: They’re just your names.  Laaaame.

Husk: I’m not calling myself some stupid nickname.

SeXXXySpider: Bwahaha, two seconds, kitty.  I assume you’re down at the bar.

Husk: Oh god.

PurpleFemale: Run, Husk.

* Husk changed his name to KittyKat *

* KittyKat changed his name to Husk *

* Husk changed his name to NiceTryFurball *

* NiceTryFurball changed his name to Husk *

* Husk changed his name to WhiskeyWhiskers *

WhiskeyWhiskers: This… can stay.

SeXXXySpider: I win!

WhiskeyWhiskers: If you touch my phone again, I’ll break your fingers, brat.

SeXXXySpider: Weird kink, but actually not the strangest thing I’ve done so far this week ~ <3 ~

PurpleFemale: That… that’s not okay, Angel.

SeXXXySpider: ¯\_¯\_(ツ)_/¯_/¯

NaNaNaNiff: Awww, you gave him the extra arms!!!

SeXXXySpider: You know it, Niff.

Alastor: I’ve been here approximately three minutes and already feel my brain rotting away.  Charlie, what exactly was the point of this?

CharChar: Okay, so I figured even though we all live together that we still need a way to communicate whenever we’re not actually together.

SssirP: For what, exactly?

CharChar: Anything!  If there’s just something you want to share with the group.  It can be an idea for an exercise for us or a funny joke you thought of or just letting me know that the handle is broken on your bathroom sink!

WhiskeyWhiskers: Don’t all you fucks spend enough time with each other?  And I should know – I keep getting dragged along on your little misadventures.

SeXXXySpider: Bet.

WhiskeyWhiskers: What?

SeXXXySpider: Not the kind of bet you’re used to.

SssirP: “The term bet can be used in a few different ways on social media but generally means agreed or okay.”

SeXXXySpider: Bet.

PurpleFemale: Siiiiigh.  And here we have Angel, the perpetually online e-boy.

SeXXXySpider: Uwu?

PurpleFemale: Kill it with fire.

NaNaNaNiff: Eheheheheh.

PurpleFemale: Don’t actually kill it with fire.

NaNaNaNiff: No fun :-(((

Alastor: I’m still very confused.

SeXXXySpider: Just go with it.  You’ll catch on.

CharChar: Thanks, Angel.  I’m glad someone is immediately on board.

SeXXXySpider: (bb^_^)bb

SssirP: I’m not opposed.  I’ve never been in a group chat before.

PurpleFemale: Really?  You didn’t have one for you and your egg things?

SssirP: Giving the Egg Boiz cellular phones is a very bad idea.  Trust me.  A very bad idea.

SeXXXySpider: I’m so fascinated to get that story out of you someday.

CharChar: Angel, will you help Alastor change his name too?

SeXXXySpider: Iiiii will not.

Alastor: SmArT BoY

SeXXXySpider: Eep

PurpleFemale: Eep

SssirP: Eep

CharChar: Oh, come on, Alastor.  It’s part of the fun!  Here, bring me your phone and I’ll help you!

Alastor: I assure you that I am quite fine, my dear.

WhiskeyWhiskers: She gets a pat on the head and Angel gets a vague death threat?  Checks out.

SeXXXySpider: ^

SssirP: But it is kind of fun, having a different name.

PurpleFemale: What would Alastor’s name even be?

SeXXXySpider: Honestly, he’d probably go with, like “RadioDemon” and think he was being clever.

CharChar: I’ll come up with a list of ideas!

NaNaNaNiff: RadioRudolph

Alastor: No.

Alastor: And, my dear Niffty, why are you engaging in all of this nonsense?

NaNaNaNiff: Ehehehe, because they can text me whenever they find a bug!

WhiskeyWhiskers: There’s one bothering me at the bar.

SeXXXySpider: Hey, she already tried to stab me once.

SeXXXySpider: Also, the clue is in the name, baby.  Spider.  Not bug.

WhiskeyWhiskers: Only once?  Pussy.

SeXXXySpider: (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞

SssirP: Actually, that one does look like it has cat whiskers.

SeXXXySpider: (=^ ◡ ^=)

SssirP: Aww.

CharChar: You know, that does raise an important question!  Niffty, do you also go after spiders or only bugs?

NaNaNaNiff: Spiders are our friends!  They eat all of the nasty little buggies.  They tie them up and then suck them dry!

PurpleFemale: Angel, no.

WhiskeyWhiskers: Don’t do it.

CharChar: That’s….

SeXXXySpider: Don’t mind me over here deleting my half-completed text then.

PurpleFemale: Do you have any shame?

SeXXXySpider: ¯\_¯\_(ツ)_/¯_/¯

SeXXXySpider: I mean, they’re usually the ones doing the tying up, sooooooo

SeXXXySpider: Niff can be half-right.

Alastor: Regretting your decisions yet, Charlie?

PurpleFemale: About starting this group text or about life in general?

Alastor: That I shall leave up to her.

CharChar: This. Is. Fine.

CharChar: (Angel, if you need someone to talk to…)

SeXXXySpider: Thanks, doll, but my therapy comes in little plastic baggies.

PurpleFemale: Speaking of, we found the stash taped to the underside of the couch.  I believe that may have been the last one, yes?

SeXXXySpider: …

SeXXXySpider: My therapy is *supposed to* come in little plastic baggies.

CharChar: I’d say sorry, Angel, but I’m honestly not that sorry.

WhiskeyWhiskers: Good job, girls.

SeXXXySpider: Hey, Niffty, did anyone ever tell you that cats are a species of bug?

NaNaNaNiff: Nice try~

SeXXXySpider: You know, I remember someone did once call me “Whore Bug”

PurpleFemale: *Snort* What?

SeXXXySpider: Yup

SssirP: Ah, I did intend to apologize for that

SeXXXySpider: Eh, I punched you in the face. (งง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)งง  We’re even

PurpleFemale: Wait, what happened?

PurpleFemale: Also, Angel, where do you keep getting all of those?

SeXXXySpider: oo(◕␣~)oo

PurpleFemale: No

SssirP: It was when I was still trying to help the Vees.

SssirP: Before I realized that Vox is a jerk.

SeXXXySpider: ^

WhiskeyWhiskers: Not gonna lie, that’s actually kind of funny.

CharChar: Remember what I taught you, Pentious?

SssirP: Ah, yes!

SssirP: Angel, I’m sorry I called you WhoreBug.

SeXXXySpider: Thanks IG but I’m not sorry for punching you.

SeXXXySpider: Also, I’ve been called worse.

PurpleFemale: Once again, Angel.  That’s not okay.

SeXXXySpider: I’m getting tired of typing the shrug

PurpleFemale: Or you could take your own trauma seriously for, like, two seconds.

SeXXXySpider: Or I could bury my trauma in sarcasm and ice cream.

WhiskeyWhiskers: Replace ice cream with bourbon and I’ve been there

CharChar: Note to self, see if Alastor can find a therapist for the hotel

Alastor: I shall keep an eye open, my dear girl

CharChar: Do you think Rosie knows somebody?

PurpleFemale: Do we really want a cannibal living in the hotel?

CharChar: The hotel welcomes ~everybody~

SeXXXySpider: Resisting. Urge. To. Make. Eating. Joke.

CharChar: See?!  That’s growth!

SeXXXySpider: Resisting. Urge. To. Make. Growth. Joke.

NaNaNaNiff: Hehehehehe.

SssirP: I actually don’t know what the jokes would have been???

WhiskeyWhiskers: Keep that innocence, bud

(Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel fanfiction #group chat #charlie morningstar #vaggie #angel dust #husk #niffty #alastor #sir pentious #got a little bored at work #angel texts so quick because he has the extra hands #should i keep going?

[once-upon-an-imagine]

could you do a dialogue with remus lupin where the he's dating james' twin sister who is also in gryffindor and james finds out because someone caught them sneaking out of the castle and took a picture and posted it on social media (i know they didn't have technology at hogwarts but whatever) and he gives remus permission to date his sister (as if remus needed his permission) but he gives them a bunch of rules like no kissing in front of him and they can never hangout if he's not there because he's very protective. just something very fluffy and sweet. wow i just realized how long that was. sorry!

omg yes! I changed the social media thing though but I hope you still like it 😁

"Would you care to explain to me what this is?!" James said, bursting into the Common Room and slamming a picture on the table.

"A photo of Lily, Dorcas, Marlene, and Alice that Frank took yesterday?" you asked, confused.

"Not that! In the background! Is that you kissing Remus? Why are you kissing my best friend?"

"Really? I thought Sirius was your best friend" you said, trying to sound confused.

"Well, Sirius is my oldest friend- No! Wait! Don't change the subject!" he snapped as Sirius, Remus, and Peter walked inside. "Oh, there he is! Do you have anything to say for yourself?!" James glared at you.

"Yes" you said, taking a deep breath as the other three guys looked at you confused. "Sirius, James said Remus is his best friend-"

"What?!" Sirius asked, genuinely looking heartbroken.

"No, that's not what-! Very funny!" James glared at you as you tried not to laugh.

"Jamie, what do you want me to say? I'm dating Remus" you said as if it was nothing.

"What? Since when?" James said, looking between you and Remus as Remus walked closer to you and held your hand.

"A couple of months" he said, kissing your head.

"WHAT? And you didn't tell me?!"

"We actually had a bet to see how long it would take you to figure it out" Peter laughed, handing Sirius two chocolate frogs. "I bet they could get away with it until we graduated" he informed him.

"What? No! Okay, who else knows about this?"

"Literally everyone" you informed him.

"So, you just hid it from me?" he asked, sadly.

"Prongs, it wasn't like that. We just... we weren't sure how you were going to take it" Remus said, truthfully.

"Yeah, Jamie, it was my idea. I knew you would get all big-brothery and-"

"I am your big brother-"

"You are SEVEN minutes older than me!" you glared at him. "But... I love Remus" you told him.

"You- you love him?" James asked, smiling a little.

"And I love her" Remus said pulling you closer to him.

"Alright, I have come to my decision" James informed everyone.

"What do you mean a decision-?" you asked.

"You have my permission to date my sister" he told Remus.

"I don't really... need your permision" he frowned.

"But! I do have a few rules-"

"You do know there is no way we are following any-" you started.

"No kissing in front of me! That is disgusting" he continued, ignoring you. "And no hanging out if I am not present!"

"That is definitely not going to happen" you laughed.

"I'm serious!"

"Okay, fine, Jamie" you rolled your eyes. "I'm gonna go meet Lily and tell her how I cannot hang out with my boyfriend without my brother then" you said, kissing Remus' cheek and squeezing his hand before you left the Common Room.

"Right, and I'm gonna go... to the Library" Remus said before he quickly followed you.

"Well" James said, sitting down on the sofa. "I believe I handled that pretty well" he said, smiling proudly.

Sirius and Peter looked at each other before they sat down in front of him.

"Mate, you do know they just played you, right?" Peter asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Lily is sitting right over there with Marlene" Sirius pointed out. "And Remus didn't even have his bag with him" he laughed as James widened his eyes.

"Shit! Give me the Map!"

"Moony has it" Sirius shrugged.

"That bloody prick!" he said, getting up and started to walk out of the room.

"What are you gonna do? Look around for them in the entire castle?" Peter asked.

"If I have to!" James yelled before he was gone.

"I thought you had the Map" Peter said, looking at Sirius, confused.

"I do" he said, taking it out. "Moony gives me chocolate every time I keep Prongs away from them" he laughed.

#marauders #marauders imagine #remus lupin #james potter #remus lupin x reader #james potter x sister!reader #remus lupin imagine #james potter imagine #remus lupin dialogue #james potter dialogue

[insertdisc5]

Devlog #16: Answers and Questions

Hello everyone! Welcome to this month’s devlog!

If you just stumbled upon this, I am Adrienne, also known as insertdisc5! I’m the developer, writer, artist, main programmer, etc of the game. The game being In Stars and Time, a timeloop RPG, which is also the next and final game in the START AGAIN series, following START AGAIN: a prologue (available here!).  You can find out more about In Stars and Time here!!! 

LET’S GET TO IT. This month is Q&A: Cohost edition!

“A Q&A again?” Heheh well I don’t have anything to talk about this month ✨ We’re working hard on finalizing the localization! And on porting to consoles! And on secret stuff! You know, the usual!!! Get excited!!! So, Q&A again 💖 And see, I asked questions for Q&As on Twitter. On Tumblr. On Discord. But some new social media platforms have entered the fray. SO.

Welcome to Q&A: Cohost edition. (Follow me on cohost and/or read this post I wrote about why I think cohost is neat teehee) (and follow me on bluesky if you want. I like it way less though. Sorry bluesky)

@ItsMeLilyV asks:

One of the bits of advice that gets tossed around by indie devs is to avoid making RPGs, especially for your first few games, because they tend to be large in scope, difficult to prototype, and easy to underestimate.

Was this ever a fear for you in making START AGAIN, or In Stars and Time? Did you take any special precaution to keep these games within a scope you could handle, and did you learn tricks from START AGAIN that carried over to ISAT when in came to keeping things manageable? Thank you!! ✨

I had no idea that was a piece of advice given, but yep, that makes a lot of sense! Since I didn’t know, I went in blissfully aware, teehee.

I will say that I am familiar with working on big projects from working on comics, and with seeing big webcomic artists always mention to never start with your magnum opus… And I could tell ISAT had the potential to be way bigger than I imagined, which is why I decided to start with creating the prologue to get used to RPGMaker as well as making games. Kind of a pilot of sorts!

Again, thanks to comics, I know to keep my scope pretty small, because even if you keep it small it WILL balloon into something way bigger than you thought. Just for the prologue, I imagined it’d be a 20mn game, and it’s easily a 2-3h one! Keep your scope small!!!

As for tricks, when I catch myself thinking “wow what if I added this cool thing”, I try to always keep in mind those two things: 1. How long will it take to implement (including bug testing), and 2. Does it add something important to the game. I know we always want to add a fishing game, or a fun minigame, but do you Need It. Does it add something substantial to the story, to the Themes. Or are you just adding it because you like fishing games. Which is a valid reason, but also, maybe just make a fishing game instead. You are not the Yakuza series!!!! You are a small indie gamedev!!!! Think about you in 4 months who has to fix all the fishing game bugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@stem asks:

how is it to have a piece of art that's basically done (as far as i understand) that you can't share yet? like how do you personally bide the time until it's finally ready to release, or is it not really a challenge to wait? :0c

It’s so weird!!! The game has been done for so long!!! I’m very glad I asked some friends to playtest the game, so I could at least get some feedback before the game is out… In some ways it feels like the game will be done twice: once back when I finished making the game, and once when the game actually comes out. It’s just a very strange experience. Sometimes people tell me they’re excited to find out more about this story beat, or about this character, and a part of me is like… Wait, haven't you played the game? Oh, yeah, it’s not actually out. Guess you’ll find out later.

EDIT: My god. I just checked on my private devlog for when I completed the Alpha of ISAT. It was in August of last year (I lay down on the floor and look at the ceiling) (I still had to finish all the illustrations so really the game was Done Donezo in October but still…)

anon asked:

What role did Armor Games play in creating the final product?

SO MANY THINGS. Here are some of them: support when it comes to porting/marketing/social media/localization, feedback on the game and how to make it better, community guidance, testing support, QA/internal testing… The game couldn’t be the way it is without them.

For more small details, I have a weekly meeting with my producer, Dora! We talk about the game and how everything is going. A couple months back, I also was checking in with the internal QA team fairly often to fix any remaining bugs. They also helped me find ISAT’s additional programmer, Isabella, and she is a godsend because coding is hard. They also take care of communicating with press, finding more opportunities to showcase the game in conventions, talking with the localization/porting teams… I am probably forgetting a thousand little things they did to help out!!! THEY’RE SO GOOD OK

Anon asked:

So obviously the skills/spells/what have you are based off of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Did you design each "type" to be like a certain style? Rock being heavy damage and defense buffs, scissors being speed and quick attacks, like that?

Absolutely! I just went with the obvious. Rock is physical damage, defense focused, Scissors is swords, attack focused, and Paper is magic, mind focused. It was fun to develop a spell system around those! I’m excited for people to find out more about Craft…

@nickshutter asks:

I really loved START AGAIN (streamed it for a small handful of friends) and was super happy to hear about a follow-up! The cast is so much fun and their personalities are really well-balanced—did any of the characters change pretty drastically from their initial conception during development of the game?

I’m so glad you streamed it with friends… I hope you had a good fun time…

And for sure! Isabeau and Mirabelle were pretty set from the get go (himbo and shy wallflower), but Odile started as more of a gentle teacher type, even if I very quickly went the snarky old lady route. Siffrin and Bonnie were harder to pin down– I wasn’t sure how to portray Siffrin’s despair in the prologue, and started showing them more overtly depressed, but I thought it’d be Very Yummy to have them show a happy facade to their friends. And then, for ISAT, I had to figure out what a non-depressed Siffrin would be like, for the first couple acts of the game before the despair sets in. As for Bonnie, I had a lot of trouble figuring out what they’d be like, what kind of kid they were, what their relationship with everyone else would be like, and then I thought about what their past would be like and then their characterization was set in stone. Sometimes you need to figure out One Thing to unlock a character’s brain. I’m very excited for everyone to find out more about each character in ISAT!

@SuperBiasedGary asks:

What games (or other media) lit a fire under you to create your own?

It could be stuff you liked so much it inspired, something you found frustrating because you felt an itch to do it differently, or something that made you realise humans make things and you could be one of them.

I found a lot of indie games inspiring, but I think Umineko might’ve been the one that made me go… Oh, anyone can just make a massive video game narrative. And you can make it very simple, with kinda goofy sprites, and still manage to make an incredibly touching story!

As for frustrating games that lit a fire under me, I think I’d say in general, I found issue with the classic trope of the “main character helps people and doesn’t get anything back”. What often happens in some games is that you help NPCs with their problems, sometimes helping them with very intense, complicated problems! For a very long time! And, in exchange, you get… A cool item? A nice new skill? And that’s it?

I know this might be complicated to implement on a narrative perspective, but I remember playing Persona 5, and your character just went through a very harrowing experience (like, oh, being INTERROGATED AND TORTURED BY THE POLICE) and you help your friends during social links, and they go “thanks for your help! Bye~” like WHAT ABOUT ME. WHAT ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. CAN YOU GIVE ME A HUG

So on a certain level, I wanted a game where instead of the characters around you having problems, the main character also has problems. And is subconsciously screaming “CAN YOU PLEASE NOTICE I HAVE PROBLEMS AND GIVE ME A HUG.” And hopefully, the characters notice. Winks

Hm. I do want to say I wrote most of the prologue/ISAT during the pandemic, and I felt very lonely and not supported. But then guess what. I told my friends about how I felt. And most of them told me they had no idea, and vowed to support me more. And now I’m closer to them. So the moral of this answer is, yeah, it’d be nice if people noticed, but also, you need to tell people when you’re feeling bad. LOOKS AT SIFFRIN

Anon asked:

Is there a song you listen to in order to put yourself in the sasasa/ISAT mindset?

I have a whole playlist baybee. Before you ask: there aren’t any hidden meanings behind those song choices. It’s about the Mood, and also my personal tastes in music I listen to when I need to concentrate. I like songs that go WUB WUB

 In no particular order, here are five random songs I played on repeat when making the prologue:

Future Club (Arcade Version) by Perturbator (in bold because this was THE song I listened to on repeat. I believe I gave it to Lindar for inspiration lol)

Arcades by C2C

Wake Me Up by Para One

The First Wish by DROELOE

Les Enfants du Paradis by World’s End Girlfriend

And here are five random songs I played on repeat for In Stars and Time:

Down by Chloe x Halle

Nonsense Bungaku by Eve

Non-Breathe Oblige by PinocchioP

Gentle Heart by Jamie Paige

Ready For The Floor by Hot Chip

It’s interesting, the songs I listened to for the prologue are generally more heavy and frenetic, while the ones for ISAT are more hopeful… I made sure to listen to more lively songs for ISAT, since that’s the feeling I wanted to give off…

That’s all the questions I have! In other, non related ISAT news, I have started a new project and having a lot of fun. It’s a visual novel this time. I’m hoping to get some screenshots ready in the next few months, but also I’m taking it easy on this one. If it takes years with many breaks in between to get it done, it’s fine. What matters to me right now is the process!

That’s all I have to say for today! Let me know if you have any questions, or if there’s any aspect of the game development struggle you’d like me to talk about! See you next time!!!

AND DON’T FORGET TO WISHLIST THE GAME ON STEAM ALSO IT REALLY HELPS BECAUSE STEAM’S ALGORITHM IS MORE LIKELY TO SHOW OFF GAMES WITH A HIGH AMOUNT OF WISHLISTS THAT’S THE REASON WHY GAME DEVS ALWAYS ASK TO WISHLIST!!! OKAY BYE!!!!

#in stars and time #start again start again start again #devlog #game dev #game development #indie game #indie dev #indie games #timeloop

[laf-outloud]

I hope it's okay to vent to you about this.

I am in disbelief. I didn't like it when Jensen said to "hate watch" the show or added in the would-be gaslighting line of "were you ever a real SPN fan in the first place?" I didn't care for how overgrown frat boy and egotistical ass he came across as in the MR podcast last year, especially about Jessica Alba. It just reeked of misogyny and typical toxic male performativity. But this "Suck it" takes the cake for me. Talk about an eye opener. How extremely unprofessional and petty.

Obviously, there's no video to watch to give context this time around but I'm thinking he knows that (based on the rules enforced there) and he has his wife with him and a room full of asskissers so he felt incredibly comfortable and said "fuck it" and said what he wanted to say when asked.

I was never an anti per se, of him or the show, but I did have criticisms of both (like so many others) and they were all legitimate. Despite that, I still gave the show a chance and it was appallingly bad. Even his Dean voiceovers were terrible (not once did it sound like Dean). And the thing with AU story telling is, you can't leave the full exposition until the end of a season (or movie) without some build-up. Even if they were completely full of shit and they came up with that in the 11th hour near the finale, they easily could have gone the route of "that's why there's so many things off about this universe like Carlos' hair trick and not sounding like Dean in the voiceovers and the Akrida" and it still would have been a better explanation than "suck it" and "everyone else has an AU multiverse, why not us?" (I guess people weren't wrong when they said he's desperate to be in the Marvel franchise or at least have a career comparable to RDJ). It makes no sense to leave that full exposition until the end (and they know it) because it negates any true interest and investment that an audience would have had in the ensemble cast that had been set up in the pilot, and in their universe and story line. By doing that in the end, it essentially did make it "The Dean Show". I don't have an issue with Dean being the person to pull the strings, but make it make sense; this is basic story crafting 101 for crying out loud.

The amount of vanity and smugness and overall ego that he is displaying right now is very off putting. The signs have all been there for the last couple of years, especially in this last year, but I still kept thinking "well, I don't necessarily have to be in love with him or up his ass to enjoy the work he puts out, he still played Dean for 15 years and I love Dean" but now, this really just puts me off of him for good. I have no desire to root for him or have any more interest to see what he's up to or even to see what asinine thing he says at the next con.

As much as I like Jared, when prequelgate happened, I stayed out of the ensuing drama. I could empathize with Jared, having been in a sort of similar situation myself (meaning I had taken to social media in the past, reacting to something that hurt me and making it public, and things snowballed from there) and I thought "the guy's human, why can't people understand that, he reacted to something that hurt him and caught him off guard, why hate on him, especially since he and Jensen talked it out so why continue the drama bullshit". I didn't agree with those defending Jensen by saying he didn't know about the announcement until it happened a few minutes prior, but I still loved J2 basically. But wow, Jensen has really gone further downhill in this past year alone, and I think it's abundantly clear that the reason he looks so miserable lately and appears to be drinking so much (I mean how many photos have we seen of this man in a social setting where he has a drink or can or bottle in his hand?) is maybe what others have said, he really cannot handle the reality check of realizing that not everyone kisses his ass. That not everyone accepted his show with open arms. That his name and persona weren't enough to ensure immediate success. That he wasn't thought of as the best producer ever. And if Danneel really does look at anti blogs, which there seems to be good evidence for especially since she mentioned Tumblr at NYCC all on her own, then I wonder how much she either showed him or made him aware of, especially since they now were both "producing" their own show and were most likely being told what the reactions were to TW (which is even more evidenced by Drake's explanation of the writers constantly changing the episode arcs in response to the feedback from fans and criticisms alike).

And the thing is, Jensen can sit there and tell himself that it was prequelgate or people bitching about canon issues, but the ratings speak for themselves. And even more so, the fact that additional producers were brought in, stunt casting had to be relied on, negative press (dislikes, comments, poll results) had to be requested to be removed, reshoots had to be done, the lack of promotion by said "original producers" (who expected their names to be enough to sell it but didn't bank on reinforcing that with engagement?), the finale not being turned into the network until 2 days before airing (and admitting that publicly) - all of this speaks to just how poorly this show was produced and a real leader (in any industry) automatically knows that it all starts with the top. That's what separates a leader from a boss (as you aptly pointed out in an earlier post of yours when highlighting the difference between Jared and Jensen in the EP roles). To echo your earlier sentiments, a boss is a guy who sits on his ass while the employees they hired do all of the back breaking work. They're only there to reinforce their title, "be the face" of the company, and collect all of the profits. Leaders dig in and get their hands dirty alongside their employees. They provide support where it's needed (like say the restaurant industry for example) and they do whatever it takes to turn out a successful product or service. Leaders even have a different type of mindset compared to bosses. Leaders want to flood the harbor to lift all of the boats at the same time so everyone will be successful which helps the end result; bosses only want their boat rising while all of the others stay below. And it's pretty sad to say that Jensen has now proven himself to be the latter. Telling your young cast not to "fuck it up" and explaining to one of your leads how to stand to appear taller on camera (the same young actress you seem to have a preoccupation with that gives off seriously creepy vibes - filming her while she's singing at SNS on your phone that people actually saw you do? no matter your intentions, that's yuck) in comparison to your other lead isn't being a leader. Admittedly sitting in your car, waiting for fires to put out (which obviously there were a ton and either they knew and didn't care or no one told them but it proves they didn't care enough to have their finger on the pulse because it wouldn't provide them with an immediate cashflow) does not a leader make. They'd already be there with fire extinguisher in hand, at the ready, making sure a fire wouldn't even have a chance to start.

Jensen and Danneel came up with this idea, and I would say Jensen is more responsible here because he got the idea approved, he attached his name to it, he was the one in the show for 15 years, he's obviously the one who expected the most to come from this. (and I still have yet to know what Danneel did other than make a playlist, support Jensen's ego 100%, go along for the EP credit ride, and give some input on the costuming). So that means it all starts with him. He may not like it but that's what a real leader would realize. If your project fails, it's not on your cast/employees or your union workers/crew or even your manager/showrunner; it's on you. You set the tone (as he and Jared both have stated time and time again, EP's, directors, and lead actors set the tones on sets). It's your production company (no matter how you got it). It's on you, pal.

This is very disappointing and a little disheartening if I"m honest. It looks as if those who said he was a selfish, greedy, lying, egotistical son of a bitch were right all along. And some people can blame his wife or her influence, but this appears to be all him, which makes me wonder just exactly what she deals with on a daily basis and what we don't see or hear. Not giving her a pass on her own behaviors but it does make me wonder, especially if he's this narcissistic. Either way, it's just sad.

Thanks for letting me get that out. I was so incredibly disappointed and frustrated with some of his reported comments. Ugh. Hope the rest of your night goes well!

Of course you can vent to me! I hope it helped you to write it all down and share.

I really can't add much else to what you've written. I think you've outlined just about every thought I've had about this whole debacle since it started. I was like you, initially. I didn't want to get involved in the prequel mess and kind of just watched from the sidelines (though I did side with Jared). After it became obvious that there was absolutely no remorse on Jensen's part, I joined in the conversations.

There were occasions when it seemed like maybe Jensen had hit rock-bottom and was ready to return to being the person we thought we knew from SPN, but a week or two later and he'd say or do something arrogant again and it really hasn't stopped. I don't know what rock-bottom looks like for him, I hope he doesn't have to reach that in order to turn things around, and for all we know, he never will. I'm just grateful TW is over and pray that Jensen's obsession with continuing SPN/Dean is over.

On a personal note, it's interesting that you should point out the leader/boss ask (credit to one of my anons for the Boss/Leader differences). My retired director texted me today looking for travel advice and your post reminded me of what a great director she was. She always got involved in the nitty-gritty of what we were doing, she respected us and our ideas, frequently asked our advice (even though we knew the final decision was hers), and she knew how to manage getting the job done while still having fun. Her leadership style reminds me a lot of how people describe Jared's. (She and her husband even showed up on a Saturday to help me move to my new house!) If you ever find yourself working with a fantastic leader, stick with them. They don't come around that often.

Thank you for sending in your thoughts! I truly enjoyed reading them and found myself nodding along quite frequently. I hope you have an enjoyable day/evening as well!

#ask box #completely agree with anon #anti jensen #prequelgate #insecure jensen #anti jensen's ego #anti danneel #long post

[gillianthecat]

GAP — episode 2

It seems like my GAP reactions have become the space in which I wax philosophical about various matters political and personal. But it's an excellent show nonetheless, I'm starting to really like it!

below the cut are my thoughts while watching:

- So does Sam know that she has a crush and is flirting like mad? I honestly can't tell how self-aware she is.

- Sam's friends! I love them all already. I appreciate that this show is populating Sam's world with interesting queer women. It feels like they've studied the boys' shows and are applying all the lessons carefully and skipping over a lot of the growing pains. So if Sam already knows she's queer, maybe she does realize she has a crush, she's certainly waiting by the phone anxiously. Then again, she seems not very in touch with her feelings in general.

- Ok. I hate grandmother. I love both the sisters. And Freen is great at portraying the two versions of Sam—young, open and vulnerable, and grown up, hard and walled off.

- On the one hand, I’m guessing that Sam just wants an excuse to keep bringing Mon into her office. Which is adorable. On the other hand, I’m having to actively work to not get annoyed at how bad a boss Sam is being. Not so much the meanness, that I can handle, but at how unskillful she is at it. Just telling your employee (who is brand new to the office and to the working world in general!) "change it" and "it doesn’t wow me" without giving any specifics? That is not the way to get the results you want with any efficiency. On the third hand, I am relieved not to hear them rambling on about "influencers" and marketing." So possibly a win overall. And their dynamic is great.

- And Mon called her out for it it! Bless you, darling. Sam tried to pull that boss bullshit are you just lazy? thing, but at least I know the show isn't ignoring it. And that is enough for me to be content, I think.

- I think I may actually really like this show? I was going to watch it regardless as long as it wasn't completely terrible (and I made it all the way through fahlanruk, so clearly my tolerance for terrible is high) just to a) support Thai GL, and b) see what they would do, but it's turning out to be very good. A solid story, good characters, lots of really good details, and it feels genuinely queer. I'm so pleased.

- The one sticking point for me is the whole influencer social media thing, but thinking about it, I can see how that was the best choice. If they want to make a billionaire romance with a cruel boss and and an ingenue employee, which I fully support because it's a genre with a lot of delicious potential, especially when made lesbian (I have no interest billionaire romance when done straight á la Fifty Shades of Gray, but love it when it's played with in some way) then they need a company for the billionaire to run. And they need to find something that a) could realistically become profitable in this day and age, b) Lady Sam could plausibly be passionate about, because the tension between her love for running a business and grandmother's pressure on her to live a traditional heterosexual life is crucial to the story they're telling, and c) feels cool and hip to fit the aesthetic of the show. So it can't be a paper company or something boring, and advertisers have always been the sexy creatives of the business world. "Content Creators" aren't as interesting, but they are more modern and more plausible as a start up business. And so while social media marketing still makes me recoil, and I honestly think is responsible for a lot of ills in this world,* I do understand their reasoning and I think that will allow me to tolerate and ignore it. I just hope Sam learns how to be an effective boss at some point along the way too!

*I didn't find Mad Men's ad agency setting off-putting in the same way. Perhaps because the creativity is more obvious in what they were doing, perhaps because it was all set in the past so it had that nostalgic fascination rather than watching people work at something that is actively making the world and my own life worse today. Not that advertising in the 60's didn't do a shit ton of harm to the world that continues to fuck over the planet. But I don't personally feel it as viscerally. Plus I think there is less creativity in the sort of content creation that Lady Sam's company seems to be doing, although to be honest the whole show is keeping it all pretty vague for now.

- Tangent over. I love how full of queer women this show is! It's not just the main couple, it's both of Sam's sisters, probably all of her friends, and even the villain and/or faen fatale! The only heterosexual couple (besides the parents) were kicked off the show in the first half an hour, in a loss for workers' rights but a victory for gay rights. And the only confirmed straight guy is Mon's creepy friendzoned neighbor, who is all but discarded. (Kirk may be straight, but it's not confirmed yet.)

- Speaking of which, I'm kind of excited to see what this villainous woman is going to do.

- I suspect most people associate Heng with Sky and expect him to be good, but my strongest association is with his character from War of Y so I keep waiting for him to be at least mildly evil.

- I actually really appreciate that this migraine is a situation in which taking medicine actually makes sense to me. Characters in Thai shows keep taking medicines for ailments that don't seem fixable with medicine and it always slightly annoys me. I don't know if that's part of the general Thai approach to health, or if it's just a shorthand for caretaking that dramas have developed, but it is so different from my approach.

- Oh how tender. Her head on her lap. I like this rendition of the caretaking trope. It uses the tropes, but puts its own spin on it to make it feel interesting and real.

- (I feel like I had that shirt pattern as wallpaper as a child. I'm not knocking Mon's outfit, I love her workwear style! But it definitely has a late eighties/early nineties vibe, especially combined with the oversized blazer in that shade of pink.)

- I love how even half asleep and knocked out with pain and drugs Sam (pardon me, Hon. Lady Sam) is still bossy and prickly and rude.

- Sleepy taxi head to shoulder slide my beloved! (I don't know what to call this trope, but it's always a good one.)

- I don't think I've ever seen That Fucking House 1.0 from the street before. I always pictured it somewhere more suburban and quiet.

- I love their dynamic so much! And I'm glad that Mon is getting the stars knocked out of her eyes—it makes for a much more interesting story (and a healthier relationship) if she has to fall back in love with the real Sam, rather than coasting on hero worship.

- Omg, I adore prickly bossy Sam. She is so cat coded. Be polite. Why are you so formal. Text me. Why are you texting me, you should call. Why are you calling me. 😸 I thought maybe it was because I'd just watched Choco Milk Shake so I'm imagining cats everywhere. But no. Mon really is another cat. I love her. And just like Milk, she is totally confused by her feelings and has no idea how to act around her crush. She sure sat up quick though 😹

- Oh Mon baby. My darling. How heartbreaking to find out that your idol, your forever crush, is not the person you thought she was. That she's actually mean and rude and confusing and is a terrible boss. And you're just trying to be a good employee but you have no idea what she wants from you. Oh my darling.

- Oh my god, Sam has zero social skills. I mean, it makes sense why, but she is a disaster. Mon is doing a great job of telling her when she's being hurtful or confusing, and every time Sam doubles down on acting like an asshole. Sigh. I still love her though.

- I am glad that Mon has the spine to keep standing up to her. Otherwise their relationship would be doomed and hard to root for. She does it kindly, but clearly and with a strong sense of her own rights and needs as a person. That's hard to do for any brand new intern to their powerful asshole boss, let alone one who's been nursing a hero worship crush for over a decade.

- Oof this scene! Mon kneeling as Sam walks by glammed up with sunglasses on, and completely ignores her.

- I do like this accountant. And I'm inclined toward Kirk. No matter what his role ends up being. I appreciate his rich boy charm here.

- Omg. Of course she hand delivers the snack to Mon. In the rudest, most awkward manner possible. My favorite feral cat. And yes. The battle of wills has begun. ngl, I was nervous about the whole hero worship angle last week, but they're crushing that underfoot quite nicely.

- Does Kirk know about her crush? Maybe even before she does, lol. Also I'm so relieved that Sam has all these friends who tease her when she's got a stick up her ass and treat her like a human being and also genuinely care for her.

- What a spiky kitty cat. Calm your fur, girl.

- This courtship is going to be amazing. I'm so excited to watch Sam flailing around trying and failing to act like a human around Mon. Kirk is all of us in his reactions. 😹

- Date date date! Wingmanned by the fiancé! Which, honestly is necessary at this point. They cannot handle being alone together yet.

- Jesus Christ Sam. You are the embodiment of that Get out of my school meme. I cannot believe the things coming out of your mouth.

- Oh no. Kitty cat, sweetheart, you're going to burn off the roof of your mouth. Stop trying to act cool in front of your crush. Mon's face 😂

- Lol. Well she fooled all of us. I guess she really is cool after all.

- Look at them! Managing to have an almost civil conversation! I'm liking this Kirk-Mon allyship that's developing. I don't know if it will withstand the pressure of the angst to come, but it's something Mon, and their developing relationship, need right now.

- Cat cat cat! She is such a cat. She refuses to look at Mon even though 100% of her attention is focused on her right now 😸 ooh and the boyfriend comment made her gruum-py!

- I can't tell what Kirk knows (I can't even tell what Sam and Mon know about themselves at this point) but I love him for playfully calling out Sam about posing on her car 😸

- Damn! Sam is already asking who Mon is sleeping with. My beloved ill mannered alley cat. And she's so proud of her little joke 😸

- Aw. Mon's crush is back and she is giddy with it. And what an ending moment.

I'm excited about this show now. They're doing so many things right! The story seems solid and well structured, a good base to carry the relationship through to the end. And I feel like they're hitting the right balance for Mon and Sam's dynamic. Sam is spiking and mean and awkward, and a terrible boss, but we also see her with her friends so we know that she can take teasing and be human sometimes, and that she has people in her life that love her. She's mean enough to build that delicious tension, but vulnerable enough that I can see why Mon likes her, and I don't feel like I need to yell at her to run away. And Mon has a good balance between being open and awestruck, while still having the backbone to stand up to her hero. It reassures me that their relationship is going to feel equal, not like a creepy boss taking advantage of her employee. Those sorts of extreme power dynamics are not what I'm looking for in a story; what I like about subverted billionaire romance is seeing how the characters manage the power dynamics in order to have a real relationship.

Based on the trailer and the grandmother's everything, I'm pretty sure this series is going to get angsty and sad. But given the nuance with which they've been treating the characters so far, I trust them to handle it well.

#gap the series #gillianthecat reacts to gl #kind of like liveblogging #gap the series ep 2 #office settting ql

[everythingbutbreathing]

I don’t feel like myself anymore

It’s been a long time. Even longer than I’d like to quantify. 

However, I don’t feel like myself and so much I want to write down is bubbling up so fast that I worry should I not release the valve now, we will have a mess on our hands. 

Where to begin. The fact that I am now out and gay to the one person I never in a million years believed I would ever be out to. I stonchly opposed to coming out to my mother. My mom. My Mommie. All the issues, no? 

Where a solid lead ball was being coddled and calcified in my gut pertaining this experience, I find a lightness. I went to go fight the big boss battle, to find a woman who trusts her daughter’s words without question. Surprise sure, but I can handle surprise. I would have been destroyed, demolished, obliterated had my mom claimed disappointment or otherwise. But alas, she did not fail me. I get to stand here proudly an outed gay person. I feel as though all other people can fuck right off cus my momma doesn’t see me as the failure of a daughter, I was sure I was. I want to dive first into all the unknowns with the confidence that I’ve harnessed over my thirty absolutely miserable years of my life. 

Yet. There is a large yet. I am finding very little peace outside of this lightness, this airiness that came with my mother’s motherly love, in her own bland fashioned way. 

I sleep endlessly. Which is great, or so my therapist tells me. My body is recognizing that it needs healing. Great. It will get worse before it gets better. Just great. 

I’m finding myself more and more scared. Yes, this fear is amplified by the outrage going on in my government’s politics. Hence, I cannot see social media too much or watch the news. I procure nightmares. 

This is all around the fact that I can find no energy, no motivation, no drive, and nothing convincing enough to get out of bed. Even hunger or hygiene do little to rouse me. I am told from therapists through phone screens that the healing process involves loosing your trauma drive. Is this what is going on? Or is it rest for healing? Or am I just chronically depressed again? Or am I avoiding and routing to escape? 

I heard this on tiktok along the lines of, are you chasing enjoyment or are you living a life avoiding pain? I want to chase enjoyment but at present, all I can muster is to avoid pain. I think my husband’s been the latter for a very long time. 

Am I all monologuey because I just finished a memoir? Reading does help spark the senses. 

Is this what preoccupies my mind? No. It’s how I love people and how I don’t love myself. 

Exhibit A....wow, I really am monologuing just like in the book I finished. Shut the fuck up, you’re not original...not even in the slightest. 

Revamp: Prime examples - my grade school boyfriends circa pre 2007, Oasis was a sweet and gentle boy. I don’t know where he is now but god I hope he’s happy. I went out with him cus rumor was that he liked me and for a girl who was the object of nobody’s attraction, especially while I was standing next to my best friend, that was as good of a reason as any to date them. However, I found more love for them within the hate of others. The way my friends would bash and berate him made me love him more. How could they not see this fabulous human standing, praying to god that they would melt into the background of the school’s white painting brick walls while wearing arguably the coolest trench coat ever, that was, in hindsight, most definitely inspired by anime. His nose hairs were a little long and he was shy and surely nerdy. Was that really a reason to banish him to the social circles outer rim of shunned hell? What about the asshats who made the girls feel like shit? Those were our coveted kings. Grovel mere tweens, he shall make you beg for a very glance upon thine straightened hair. So yes, I knew that I had extra love to give and I chose sweet Oasis to give it to. I found myself doing that for the rest of forever. Choosing the people on the sidelines. Those that never got the girl. Those that were picked on or not very popular. 

Now, upon reflection and over a year in therapy. I see it. 

The reflection of my family life blatantly etched onto this model. My father was a man to be pitied, not that these other boys were the object of such but stick with me. My mom always had extra love to give. Patience tucked somewhere not well known for her to pull out at any given moment, but especially during drought. She was a nurse and cared for other peoples babies. But most of all, she loved this pitiful woe-was-him man when he deserved none of it. She continuously poured from a cup that was perpetually empty, the mysteriously fantastical baby bottle toys with orange liquid that would disappear into the cap as if the doll were truly engulfing. 

My mom did not know how, for herself or to teach her kids, to love oneself. Not only was she not the first on that list, nay, she did not even make the roster. 

So when I saw this boys sad, alone, and pleading, I gave from my own cup generously. I gave until I’m here today, thirty and desolate. I wished, I had yearned so hard to not grow up and one day want to toss away my entire life because I had not done it right. But I never considered listening to the true voice in my head. I did not know how to trust her. In fact, I didn’t trust her at all. The vicious and judgmental voice had always kept me safe and even allowed me to excel, therefore, it must be the voice of reason. And my desires? The things that drove my passion, they must be the foolish yearnings of a dumbass. 

Anyways, I’m not done nor am I even remotely exhausted, but I wish to play and sleep a little at least. 

[incarnateirony]

Someone dropped this in my submission box instead of ask box, “So I’m trying to genuinely understand what you’re saying is you understand corporate execs at the CW had a hand in the ending of supernatural? I’m not judging not attacking I swear I’m just trying to make sense of it because I had no idea about any of this up till now because I had stayed out of online fandom because well for years it felt big but anyways am I getting this right?”

---

The CW has a hand in everything. Here’s how this generally works.

The authors have ~relative~ freedom on a show. That is to say, the execs really don’t sit there splitting the nuances of the storytelling the fandom is receiving. They generally don’t even identify major markers that any of us would know (see: not even recognizing what the Roadhouse is.) -- we all knew the original ending had TFW at the Roadhouse as framed and spoiled by 15.04 among other details, and the whole “heaven/mental bar” theme from DSOTM, Nihilism, and Last Call all amplified this as an inevitability--but when you ask about “hey, is there a bar in heaven?” and get a “no?” that tells you they don’t even understand *ancient* plot beats like the Roadhouse, much less the ramifications of what it’s supposed to entail. Oh look at that, the roadhouse was just in fucking heaven like we said, but you identified it as a “cabin” because of filming locations and your basic notes.

Corporate has very basic compliance demands. They expect X, Y, and Z. What X Y and Z are across different shows vary depending on their markets. As long as the authors operate within X Y and Z, the corporate face essentially works off of synopsis of pitches and ideas.

This is also why I’ve talked about queer writing history and people being careful what they call queerbait: you don’t know what their X Y and Z are. The WB for example does not really CARE about representation. I’ve blogged about this often. We’re dollar signs. If they can package a new product to market it explicitly as LGBTQ fare, then they’ll turn you into a revenue machine by feeding you that particular fodder. When it comes to legacy shows--which is funny, because when the suit went off in my DM about this, they used the exact same phrasing as me--they’re going to play it safe, especially if they don’t truly understand the returns from the demographics they’re observing.

The space between X Y and Z is where the authors have liberty to push and, the longer and harder they push, the louder the content is allowed to get.

Here! I’ll even quote them directly, somewhat truncated because they ranted for fucking PARAGRAPHS.

“In reference to the media landscape, on a corporate level we do not distinguish fandoms. [...] That said, legacy shows such at Arrow, Supernatural, and even Flash are relics and we never really endeavored to reinvent the wheel on a corporate level, we are more focused on shows that are newer and still in our pipeline to premiere. [...] As for social media like all businesses and brands the engagement itself is key, but the content of the engagement is mostly irrelevant, though every show does have certain keywords that are often used in conjunction with harsher interactions blacklisted.”

The funny part is, they thought they were preaching to me like this was new information, but those of you that have been around my blog will PROBABLY RECOGNIZE this is almost VERBATIM exactly what I have told everybody over the years. Enough I half-suspect some trolls out there will think i wrote it myself and made it up and lob that accusation around. But there’s about 50 people that watched this conversation as it unfolded.

If you guys get mad? You’re still giving them PR. If you engage the content? You’re giving them PR. If you guys get bitchy ENOUGH? They completely blacklist a certain kind of engagement. I have literally been telling you all of this for years.

They don’t care who you are or what you want, just if you’re watching and what they at-best roughly estimate your demographic as desiring. So for example, Supernatural reading as a largely non-urban white demographic in its viewership, especially with a heavier lean in red states than most shows on the network, they presume to cater to what they perceive that demographic wants, rather than individualizing the understanding of the content, because they do not distinguish the shows or fandoms. “Oh, heavier republican white non-urban demographic” is where their understanding ends at, which is why they’re going to be utterly mystified why even my trump-voting republican neighbor from rural Alabama looked at the end result and went “what the fuck?” -- they weren’t expecting a big gay confession, but they were expecting a different sort of final tone.

Of course they’re never going to take that on for themselves and go “wow, we’re giant blazing dumbasses that understand nothing about the show!” -- they’ll, for example, claim they don’t leave network notes, when they’re still the ones passing material along about demographics and expectations etc etc. Their notes are *basic*. They do not leave *extensive* notes. Because extensive notes require extensive understanding of the content.

So for example: Berens spent since S9 slowly gaying up our show. Since they do not pay attention to the fine details of the story contents (lol no bar in heaven lolololol just a cabin lololol), he never got a note to *stop*. But it was not within the original structure plans and didn’t technically fit the demographic notes. The show continued to get aggressively gayed up, and Berens never really signed a note like “hey, I’m gaying it the fuck up” so even fandom reporters were going “THERE’S NO INTENT THERE!!!!!” -- berens operated in his very basic X, Y, Z landmarks to expand content within a story the suits literally do not pay the fuck attention to.

Corporate’s understanding is basic: dudes stabbing monsters and brothers against the world. Play in that box and keep these demographic notes in mind. You’re good.

They’ll NEVER mention blacklisting issues directly beyond what they admitted in the above quote but I DO remind you I have ranted ON AND ON AND ON how much Destiel fandom shot themselves in the goddamn foot with a fucking bazooka with the Chad Kennedy incident years ago. Others like Emily handled it intelligently to inform the *authors*. No, the network will never tell you if they blacklisted Destiel, but I informed you pretty heavily years ago that odds are, yeah, they probably fucking blacklisted Destiel.

Add in paying attention to the things Berens himself liked (if you don’t believe, scroll to Nov 5 on his tl)

Like, listen. berens knows exactly what he did and did the best he could do in the situations that were set up for him. And, frankly, I had been talking about this season as a writer room rebellion all year--just like corporate DID leave them a note in S11 that they couldn’t kill god. But if they couldn’t kill him or cage him, they would find another way. In 17 we said goodbye to Meredith and, in a way, to a MAJOR portion of Dean’s substantial story. In 18, we said goodbye to Bobo, and frankly all the parts that grew into queer Castiel that came with it. 19 and 20 became residual notes of hitting expected plot beats on the head on a rhythm, tying off godforces, and then just sliding into the Dabb subversion of them having learned to grieve, let go, and process emotions-- just the surrounding delivery left the feeling of more ~wanting~ on that front which is understandable.

But these are the kind of things people don’t even ~think~ about. This is WHY I’ve turned myself into a bulletshield protecting Berens’ work for YEARS while people yelled about queerbait not understanding the years of process he used in his unbabysat space to make something unable to dodge.

More posts he liked:

This isn’t a solo story. At the same SDCC he leaned over to my friend and grinned, whispering, “I hope you like what I did this year.” -- he knew. He knew and he fought his ass off but there was an end of the line.

That end of the line having an extra note or two to drop in the finale--never a big gay confirmation, just a “everyone’s there together, assume what you want” --is its own thing. As it is, Jensen even remarked how much of his dialogue got cut in final draft out of 18, and if the brazil dubbing footage leak tells me anything, they got the raw version before it was cut. And before they ADR’ed Dean’s sniffling collapsed against the wall. They had everything right, beyond the fact that there was supposed to be more dialogue from Dean along the lines of, “You can’t go”, or “you can’t leave” (difficult to determine what a ESL person seeing an english draft then yelling in portuguese then translated back to english meant, specifically, but something in that ballpark -- just like “don’t do this” came as “no it’s not” through the translation pipeline), and other similar minor bartering about this. And we’re not even gonna get into Dean’s hilariously loudly ADRed sniffling on the wall. Here, Jensen, breathe IMMEDIATELY into this microphone.

But they’re never going to tell you this. Of course they’re not. 

Summarily, corporate had half a year of having to re-manage scheduling everybody’s flights and planners during covid rewrites to stare directly into the huge gay abyss and fuck things up. 

It’s all about the unmonitored space vs the monitored space. Of COURSE they’re never going to fucking tell you these things. 

FRANKLY I am DYING to see the Portuguese dub of the show to see what the fuck they do with it, all things considered. I’m pretty sure the suit in my inbox that’s trying to vagueblog around things sideways now never accounted for the fact that there’s copies of the raw available in some parts of the world. I’m... pretty sure they thought they were my only leak source in fact. 

Either way--it’s not that corporate micromanages and passes constant notes. It’s that they gloss over vague summaries and plans, drop a few base expectations and performance boxes. It’s up to the authors how to kick up dust inside those boxes. 

[actualbird]

me, scrolling thru ur blog for my daily regularly scheduled serotonin: wow a marluke update! gonna save that for myself as a treat

oh, what’s this ?

HOMESTUCK????

QUADRANTS?????

AND NOW YOU GOT ME THINKING ABOUT IF LUKE MIGHTVE PROJECTED A LITTTTLE TOO HARD ON HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS. WE KNOW HE WAS A SHERLOCK STAN, WHAT IF HE DOWNLOADED TUMBLR, DISCORD, ETC?

AND BY THAT SAME VEIN MARIUS IS PROBABLY OLD ENOUGH TO START HAVING UNADVISABLE FREE INTERNET ACCESS.

what if vyn and artem had tumblr blogs

look what you’ve done to me i’m in sheer pain

-🤡

HELLO, CLOWN!!! i cant remember if youve messaged before with this designated emoji but the clown after This Whole Ask made me cackle. i honk my clown nose along with you.

man, i KNOW luke was into fandoms. i KNOW he has discord, in fact i have an entire fic draft that has this whole fucking premise, it's titled "→ lukeonthebrightside just slid into the server."

lemme get the rest of it, heres the summary without any scene excerpts:

The year is 2021. Luke Pearce, fifteen years old, is told by the school guidance counselor that he needs more friends. Too shy to interact with his non-Ria classmates, he ends up going online and joining an ACD Sherlock Holmes fandom Discord server.

heres a scene i managed to scribble before i made 85 more tot wips:

thegeekery You can’t be serious. Please tell me you’re not serious. You Cannot be 15 years old, holy shit. How are you 15 years old and in a server for Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock fans. The books. You're messing with us, you are not 15. lukeonthebrightside ? why would i lie about being fifteen? thegeekery To give us an ulcer, like you usually do? I mean this in the most loving way possible, btw. WaffleTime YEAH LMAO, TO PUNK US? it’s not out of character for u lol lukeonthebrightside [attachment.png] thegeekery Uh. WaffleTime BOY??? IS THAT YOUR FUCKING BIRTH CERTIFICATE???? OH MY GOD thegeekery Okay, no, hold up, real talk Luke, you should not. Be sending stuff like this. To a server full of strangers. Actually, can we get a @mod in here? I don’t think I have the EQ to handle this very well. lukeonthebrightside huh why did i do something wrong thegeekery Luke, that has your address on it. jeeperscreepers Give me a moment, I’m backreading. Oh, geez. Hm. lukeonthebrightside meet me in DMs please. WaffleTime ohhhhh somebodys in TROUBLEEEEEE

i got super emo about this wip actually, i wanna go back to it because i wanna explore luke's younger days before super spy training and terminal illness fucked with his head. i am convinced that even before those things, inside of luke, there was like...this want to be with people. and yet this fear that he doesnt deserve to be.

also i just want to write luke being a stupid kid doing stupid kid things on the internet and having a server of very protective fandom adults bonking him on the head and telling him to be safer online and also to be less hard on himself

irt to marius on the internet, i talk about that (and vyn being hilarious on twitter) in these posts!!: nxx boys on social media: part 1 tiktok. part 2 vyn on twitter.

i.....do not believe vyn would be on tumblr. if he did, you will have to give me some time to figure it out. artem, however, i have thought about and to me, it's possible he would have a tumblr.

actually, heres a secret: i was planning on making a STUPIDLY IN CHARACTER artem rp blog. like, not even styled as an rp blog. it's. it's Artem's Blog. the blog title would be "My Thoughts" and his bio is just "Hello. I hope you find this interesting." and his theme is the default theme and all he reblogs are movie reviews and recipes. nothing in the tags ever. and many long posts about his interests with linked and Chicago Manual Of Style cited sources. no pictures. he was born in 2001, the era of "dont even put ur name online."

im....still on the fence whether i wanna do that blog actually kJBSJDKFS IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY

in this entire response, i did not tackle how luke interacts with homestuck. because im saving this for another ask i have in my inbox, asking me what luke's classpect would be. and now i have to become a hermit in the mountains, studying the lore and theses on classpects, to come up with my view and opinion.

youre in pain, clown? i am too.

and ive come to enjoy it :')

#clown!anon #honest to god i have so many fic drafts. SO MANY. U GUYS HAVE NO FUCKIN IDEA #asks

[thatringboy]

Xiaoven idol au? 👀 (no angst please ahah)

okay it may seem a tiny bit angsty at the beginning but i prommy it turns into kisses and cuteness as it goes on

We're Doing It Together

Warnings: Xiao being dumb as rocks and oblivious as hell to everything

Characters: Xiao, Venti

Ships: Xiaoven

Word Count: 1,774

Summary: Idol!Xiao finds out that his close friend Venti wants to join a new troupe after the two of them being solo for a while

The cold night air bit at the young man’s nose as he pulled his forest green hood down over his eyes. He could see his breath float away in the air as he sighed and checked his watch.

He’s late.

The sound of sneakers smacking the pavement got louder in his ears until someone ran up to him out of breath. “Xiao! I’m so sorry! Practice ran long and then Kaeya started an argument with Lisa and then--”

Xiao put a hand to silence him and returned his gaze to the frozen river under the bridge. “It’s fine. Must be nice to have a group like that.”

The new arrival laughed lightly and nudged him. “You make it sound like I’m on stage preforming with them!”

“It’s not like Jean won’t let you.”

He put his hands behind his head, his teal braids blowing gently in the wind. “Eh, my time has come and gone for this business.”

Xiao glared at him. “You make us sound old!”

It was true, the two young men no longer preformed with their original groups. Xiao’s group “Yaksha 5” had disbanded as the other four members all left the idol business and his new band “Adepti” only met once a month to write songs. No more live performances. The other young man, Venti, used to preform under the stagename “Barbatos” with the famous idol group “Celestia”, but he and the other remaining senior member - a tall man who went by the stagename “Morax” - had left a while ago. Now, Morax went by Zhongli and occasionally wrote songs with Adepti while Venti became a choreographer with a popular rookie troupe named “Favonius”.

The two stood there in silence watching the lights of streetlamps dance off of falling snowflakes before them. Venti tucked his hands into his jacket pockets and sighed. “I got an offer from a new group of guys who want me on stage with them. They say they want me on soprano.”

Xiao gave him a sideways look. “And? I thought you swore off preforming or something when you left Celestia.”

Venti balled his hands into fists inside his pocket and didn’t meet his eyes. “I think… I met the center of this group; he’s a really nice guy. They’ve got a manager already and apparently have done some music with Jean. She’s the one who got me in contact with them.”

“So you’re gonna join them?” His voice sounded distant, lonely. There weren’t many solo performers in the idol world. Xiao and Venti had been riding their residual fame from their past groups for years and hadn’t really signed contracts with a single troupe from how sourly they left their past groups. Xiao thought they were special in that way… but Venti was the one still getting new offers for shows while Xiao had to almost beg to be an opening.

Venti looked him in the eyes. “I haven’t agreed to yet.”

“Really?” Xiao scoffed. “And here I thought you would be all over the chance to start a new group.”

The shorter man squinted his eyes. “I told them I’m only joining up if my conditions are met!”

Xiao’s eyebrows shot up. “You have standards?”

“Of course! And very high ones at that!” Venti pouted. “How else do you think I put up with you?”

Xiao felt warm in the face at that remark, he only prayed that the darkness of the night hid this from Venti.

Suddenly, Venti’s volume dropped to a whisper and he began to fidget with his fingers. “My conditions were that you had to join the group as well. They want to call the group ‘4NEMO’ and they were still searching for a fourth guy so I figured…”

He trailed off as he caught Xiao staring at him with a bewildered expression. Venti began to panic. Did he just hurt Xiao’s pride? He knew that the taller man didn’t like to accept help from others, but for some reason he thought this time would be different.

Venti was yanked from his thoughts as Xiao closed the distance between them and engulfed him in a hug. “My my, what a sudden show of affection!”

Xiao had did it to keep Venti from seeing the red on his cheek. Truth be told, he was deeply touched by Venti turning down a chance to play more shows if he couldn’t be by his side, but he was too inexperienced at returning kindness. A hug seemed to suffice, right?

“Thank you, Venti, that means the world to me.”

“Does it really?” The words spilled from his mouth before he even finished thinking them. He didn’t want Xiao to agree to something as serious as starting a new idol group with strangers just to appease him.

Xiao pulled away just to lean down and press the softest of kisses to Venti’s lips. The shorter of the two thought his heart was going to explode. Sure, the two had danced around each other for as long as they knew each other and Venti would have been a fool to not notice Xiao’s attractiveness during that time. But they had never been more than friends-who-flirt-with-each-other.

The taller pulled away with a red face as he searched Venti’s eyes. “Does that convince you?”

Venti nodded briskly, his brain not exactly processing what had just happened. It seemed Xiao’s brain was only just then catching up to his actions because he suddenly stepped back and covered his mouth with his hands, his eyes widening to a horrified expression.

“I didn’t--I mean--I--Sorry!” He blurted out from behind his hands.

Venti touched his own lips and blinked a few times before thinking of what to say. “So you really want to be in a group with me, huh?”

Xiao pulled his hands down and while his face was contorted into a snarl, his cheeks still burned red. “And? So what?! Don’t let it go to your head, I just need the money!”

The shorter man giggled and grabbed Xiao’s hand, lacing their fingers together without any resistance. “Sure, whatever you say~”

Despite his harsh tone, Xiao pressed the side of his body next to Venti’s to b closer to him. “So, who are the guys in this group?”

Venti hummed. “Well, the center is this blonde guy named Aether who’s new in town. I heard he’s done some work for Favonius in the past and that he’s friends with the girls in Qixing. The other guy is named Kazuha. He ran with Beidou’s crew for a bit to get away from the whole Tenryou Doxxing drama and now he’s teaming up with Aether to form 4NEMO. I think the manager is Sucrose. You know, Albedo’s manager? She’s picking up the job for this group too.”

“Hmm, impressive. Sounds like a good group. I think I’ll like it.” Xiao looked out to the distance.

Venti beamed. “Wait, you mean it?”

Xiao felt himself turning red again. “Ah, yeah, sure. I know Aether, we did so collab work once, I trust him.”

Venti reached up and poked his cheek. “And because you’ll be dancing with me?”

Xiao grabbed his hand and leaned down again. “I wouldn’t mind getting back into the idol drama if you were by my side. Maybe I just want you.”

The shorter man went red in the face and tried to laugh that last statement off. “Wow, that’s some confession, huh? It’s a good thing I feel the same way, otherwise I’d tease you to death over this.”

Xiao let go and his face dropped into a shocked expression. “You’re serious? You feel the same?”

Venti laughed out loud, hugging his sides. “Yes, dummy! Otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered with all of this! I thought all of that was clear when you kissed me! Gods you are slow!”

Xiao frowned and crossed him arms. “I was just… you’re very hard to read!”

Venti stopped laughing and grabbed the sides of Xiao’s hood, pulling him down to eye level. “And you are like an open book. It’s funny to watch you, Xiao. You can be very suave and smooth with your words, but other times you get all flustered and you close up. It’s cute!”

“I’m not cute.” He didn’t pull away, just adverted his eyes.

Venti made a disagreeing noise and closed the distance between them. This time the kiss was softer, smoother and had much more passion behind it. Venti made a happy noise when he felt Xiao wrap his arms around his back and moved to place his own arms around Xiao’s neck.

Xiao found himself sinking more and more into Venti’s embrace. The taste of cheap wine on his breath, the way his mouth molded to hold him and the way his hands gently caressed the back of his head was all too much for him to handle. His anxieties melted away as he pulled Venti’s smaller frame flush against his own. For just how long had he been waiting to do this? Ever since they met, Venti had always been flirty and open about his emotions, but Xiao had quickly deduced that it was all a mask he put on to keep himself from being hurt by those around him. Xiao was similar in that sense, always acting aloof and angry to keep people from getting too close to him. But when he was with Venti… none of that mattered. When he was with Venti, he didn’t care how badly things ended with Yaksha 5, he didn’t notice the way his ratings dropped, he didn’t pay attention to the social media slandering.

Venti was like some sort of wind spirit: always floating from one place to the other without a concern. Xiao wanted to learn more, to be more like him. And to him, joining this new 4NEMO group was the fastest way to do that.

When they pulled away, Venti did not fail to notice the glimmer of love in Xiao’s gaze. He brought his hands down to Xiao’s waist and hugged him close with a giggle. “You are cute.”

“No I’m not.” Xiao hugged him back with a pout.”

“Yes you are~”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes-s-s-s you are Gao-Xiao!” Venti bit his lip to keep from laughing.

Xiao let go and tried to push him away. “I am going to throw you over the side of this bridge if you call me cute one more time.”

Venti let him go with a smile, a hand fishing into his pocket for his phone. “Then I’ll call Aether and tell him you’re in?”

Xiao’s face went back to the loving smile from before. “Sure thing.”

#i think i just wanted an excuse to write them kissing #i'm a sucker for xiao #asks #writing #writing requests #requests #genshin impact #fluff #sfw #xiao #venti #xiao x venti #xiaoven

[ghoulciifer]

hi! if you’re not overwhelmed with anything else can you write headcanons of kirishima,bakugo and shinsou with a s/o whos quirk side effects is being dizzy and tired

hc: Kirishima, Bakugo, and Shinsou with an S/O whose quirk has side effects of being dizzy/tired.

tw: none

tags: comfort, fluff

notes: hi bby, i am not overwhelmed by any means LOL my blog is still very small and i get an ask once in a blue moon but that’s my fault for not posting enough content ouchie. but ty for requesting!!! as always i really appreciate it when you guys let me know what content you want, and my inbox is always open to requests. n e ways, i hope you enjoy this n ily

» so i think it is abundantly clear that kirishima is an absolute sweetheart, the BESt boy

» which means it’s no surprise that he’s super supportive and conscious of how your quirk affects you n your body

» when he saw you overuse your quirk for the first time during an extra long training session for the agency you both worked for (before you two started dating), he damn near passed out himself

» bby boy RAN to your side and held you up by your shoulders, leaning down to meet your drooping eyes, his own blown wide open in concern

» “y/n??? you okay??? did something happen??? are you hurt??? do i need to-“

» he’s just a golden retriever istg

» but once your head finally started clearing up you assured him that you’re fine, it’s just a side effect of your quirk

» and you could practically see the worry leaving his body as he visibly relaxed, his hold on you loosening just a bit but never going away (bc he’s lowkey still worried)

» if you’re feeling embarrassed bc of it he’ll reassure you that it happens, you’re still badass and he admires you AWE

» now that you two are together and have been with each other for a while, he knows what to expect and how to handle the situation when it occurs

» knows your limits and when you’ve met them, instantly at your side to support your frail body, bringing you water or a snack for the fatigue so you can build your energy up, supportive boyfie things

» “Do you want the granola bar or the yogurt??? Or I can cut up some fruit!!! I have juice and an extra water bottle and-“

» always tells you how great of a job you’re doing, regardless if you’re upset or not because he just likes to remind you

» i wasn’t lying when i said he is the SWEETEST boy

» he also doesn’t really know if it helps but he always hums while he’s rubbing your back, pushing your head to his chest or shoulder after sitting you down to recuperate

» little does he know that it actually kinda does bc hearing the vibrations through his strong chest really keep you grounded

» wow you are a simp for this dude it’s ok me too uwu

» now this firecracker

» he wouldn’t show his initial concern as expressive as kiri would, but he would definitely panic internally on the same level (if not more tbh, fuckin’ tsundere)

» you two are sparring for shits and giggles, right

» and as you expected he already told you beforehand that he will NOT go easy on your just bc you’re his s/o maybe a lil’ tho bc ur cute

» plus he’s never seen you in combat before because you try to keep heroing out of the relationship so you can just focus on each other when you’re together (this friendly fight is the ONLY exception)

» what you didn’t account for was just how much energy he was making you use, it literally felt like you whole body was going to give out by the end of the match

» you were so close to pinning him down when your body suddenly collapsed and you passed out from fatigue

» he didn’t go into full on panic mode but he definitely went wide eyes and eyed you for a bit before kneeling beside you (boy KNOWS he didn’t fuckin’ kill you, he has control believe it or not)

» and internally he’s all ASHSGSJAFSK WHAT

» so he cautiously pulls you into his arms from the ground and into his chest, arms wrapped around your frame to give you support for when you regain consciousness, calling your name a few times to speed up the process

» he also holds you like this so he knows your breathing (again, he knows he didn’t kill you but just to be sure??)

» when you wake up finally he asks if you’re alright, voice much softer than usual so he doesn’t make the ache in your head worse

» you shyly tell him about the side effects of your quirk upon request and he grunts in response, still cradling your head to his chest with a thumb lightly rubbing against your spine

» “...well damn babe, you’re strong as hell for holding out that long. I thought that fight was never going to fuckin’ end.”

» that’s just his special way of telling you he’s impressed w your abilities and limits, uwu

» now he makes a point to ask if you had any dizzy spells or moments of fatigue during the day when you come home from patrol, just to make sure you were still feeling okay (bc he wouldn’t be opposed to holding you again)

» never admits it but he’s the one who sneaks an extra energy bar in your work duffel before you leave for the day c:

» i might go overboard on this one because shinsou is my BOI, i love this lil’ sleepy head so fn much

» and one of the main reasons why is bc he’s very caring and understanding n will show you that if you’re close enough to him

» which you are bc you’re his s/o, duh lucky bitch >:(

» you got to see this side of him first hand when he saw how your quirk affects you when you push a lil’ too hard

» you were at home, hanging out with your fav boy after a particularly hard day at work, shinsou rubbing your legs that were draped over his lap affectionately

» he could tell you were exhausted but he just figured it was from all the hero work, my guy is v familiar with that feeling

» he did notice you were much quieter than normal bc usually the vacant air was filled with you talking about your day, laughing at his witty jokes, making fun of your mutual friends’ decisions to post certain things on social media i’m lookin’ at you denki

» but again, he just pinned it on your experience with work today so he just sat there massaging your shins while you rested

» eventually you had the impending pressure of needing to pee press uncomfortably on your bladder and the longer you ignored it, the more you realized how close you were to pissing yourself

» so you hoisted yourself off the couch with a groan and the second you stood up, you immediately saw stars and it felt like the world around you was turning at mach fuckin’ 20

» Shinsou (being the perceptive bean he is) immediately had hands around your waist the second you began to sway and reach for anything around you to stabilize, that thing being his arm

» “Woah, woah, woah, easy... you okay, baby?”

» You couldn’t see (yk bc you were literally about to fall over) but the way his brows furrowed upward and his eyes glazing with concern would’ve made your heart go doki doki

» You squeezed your fingers against your temples and kept your eyes closed while you assured him you were fine, it happens, you just overexerted yourself with your quirk today

» He helped you lean against the side of the couch and rubbed your shoulders, standing on his knee on the cushions behind you, muttering sweet things in between your slow inhale and exhale exercises

» tried to sit you down again but you still had to peE

» “Do I need to walk you to the bathroom? Hold your hand while you go?”

» “You are NOT holding my hand while I pee, ‘Toshi.”

» You were ok after a while and successfully made your bathroom trip, but that day he made a mental note to keep an eye out for the signs he wrote off earlier

» On those days he always offers you massages, a cute lil’ cuddle sesh, snacks, even urges you to sit in his lap so he can play with YOUR hair for once boy is selfish when it comes to head scratches

» And will proceed to whisper sweet nothings into your ear during all of the above <3

#pls bear w my layout changes i’m learning #ty anon i love you dearly #kirishima eijiro x reader #kirishima x reader #kirishima headcanon #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugou headcanons #shinsou hitoshi x reader #shinsou x reader #shinsou headcanons #bnha headcanons #bnha fic #so many tags help #hofortendou hc’s

[recollins]

! HIATUS OVER !

Hello, my precious lil rays of sunshine ❤️

I know it's been a while, and I wanted to start off with saying I'm so sorry for that hiatus. I feel like a broken record at this point always saying this, but I can't even begin to tell you how much your love and support means to me. This is the first time logging back in to everything since January and I am so blown away by all the love you've given me.

Under the cut, I've put a longer explanation for those that want to read it. For those that don't have time to read my ramblings, the brief version is this:

-I'm alright, I just absolutely suck at handling stress (I know, I hide it so well...) and needed to step away from everything for a little bit to get myself back in a better place.

-SLAS will be updated next Monday! I aimed for this Monday but missed the mark and don't wanna rush out a half-assed chapter. But it'll be there for you next week. I promise.

-I have read all your messages here, on AO3, and FF.net. I will be responding to all of them, I promise! It just might take a bit but I promise I'll get to anything I've received.

Again, thank you all so much. I love you guys, I appreciate your patience, and I'm really happy I had all of you to come back to. I hope you're all still invested in Aria's story because I've got so much more to share with you!

❤️, Rea

As mentioned above, my ability to handle stress is absolutely abysmal. My go-to for coping has always been to just shut down and pull away from literally everyone and everything. This time was no exception, and life was just not done dropping everything onto my shoulders and it just got to be too much.

You all pretty much know by now I was in an abusive relationship for 13 years, and I ended that last April (which is what kicked off SLAS). 2020 was ridiculously stressful enough with COVID, and that was sprinkled on top. I bury my emotions (wow, shocker, I know) and had kind of been just pushing aside all I'd gone through because I didn't want to deal with it. The repercussions of that came out when I lost my Grandma and I was in a rough spot. After that brief hiatus, I was trying to convince myself I was alright and I just sort of ignored the signs of distress and depression until they blindsided me. My work has been incredibly stressful, my financial situation is stressful now that I live alone - Colorado is ridiculously expensive for no reason - and I was trying to help my sister and my best friend simultaneously deal with their own depression and stress and everything came together at once. The cherry on top was officially getting diagnosed with ADHD, it's something that had been on the table for a while but now with it official, it all just felt like too much and I retreated.

Social media can be extremely stressful and overwhelming for me and Tumblr is no exception. I love the site - love all of you - but when I'm in that headspace, everything is too much and I didn't want that extra stress on top of everything else. I hadn't written anything since the beginning of January and felt really, really terrible for not updating - then worse for just disappearing - and instead of just taking time to log in and be like 'hey guys I'm not dead I'm just stressed' my mind rationalized that the best thing to do was literally nothing. Like I said, I know I don't cope very well.

In March, I was finally getting ahold of things, and felt a little better. I was getting back into writing, and was getting back on the social media wagon, when I lost my other Grandma suddenly and unexpectedly. My family is about as open with communication as Hotch is, and we don't really tell each other things. Like, my mom was in the hospital for a week with life threatening blood clots and no one told me anything until a week after she'd been released. I found out last year I have two uncles from both sides of my family that I've never heard about. I'm 28. My baby cousin (who's like a brother to me) moved cross-country with his wife and has been living in North Dakota for 2 years, and I found this out not a month ago when they announced she's pregnant. So, it's no surprise no one mentioned that my Grandma had stage four lung cancer and was on the way out, until I got the call that she'd passed away. My gramma, lost in December, had been on the decline for a while and in hospice for a couple months before she passed, so it was hard, but I had time to brace for it. Losing my Grandma in March hit me unexpectedly hard and it had me pulling in once again.

I can say now that I'm doing better. Taking a step back and using the time to get myself in the right headspace has been long-needed, and for the first time in a while I can say I feel like I'm on solid ground again. I'm back at writing and I finally got over the anxiety of just logging in and reading all your comments and messages. It might sound a little odd, but I'd put off logging in for a while because I didn't want to see how much I'd let you all down. I've really, really missed talking to you guys and updating the story. It was really and truly the highlight of my year, and I've felt awful for leaving you all like I did. You guys have been so sweet and understanding. All your messages have assured me you were more concerned about me than the updates, and that touched me more than I can say. I know you've all missed the story too, and I just want to say I'm really sorry for dipping out the way I did.

If you read all of this, bless your heart, because that's a lot and I know I'm ridiculously long-winded with my writing. I really appreciate you sticking around if you've been with me for a while, and if you're new to all of the chaos that is my life, I'm so sorry this is what you came into lol. I promise things are better now and like I said above, I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to writing for you guys again.

I love you all ❤️

#I'M BACK! #yeah I know I disappeared again what a surprise #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: death mention #general warning: I wrote a lot and rambled because im nervous #slas #something like a star

[gaawachan]

Critical Role 127 Discord Discussion

*Content warning, discussions of trauma, toxicity, toxic masculinity, implied projection, violence, strong language, etc*

*this is a conversation between two AFAB people with PTSD about Critical Role.  It is a bit uncharitable at times, but try to understand that it's coming from a place of hurt and frustration.  There are brief references to our own trauma, and discussions about social pressure and unsafe handling of traumatized individuals.  Please note that NONE of this is directed at the Critical Role cast*

Also, sorry to any Veth fans we’ve offended, but it’s not so entertaining when you’ve had people like that in your life messing with your ability to heal in a healthy way.  Sometimes the media we consume is unintentionally hurtful... as is the meta surrounding it.  Please try to remember who might be reading your posts.

Sibling: (regarding a post about how Veth drew first blood in sanatorium) That's TRUE! VETH SHOT FIRST "oh wow what a cold-blooded murderer" fuck off with that lol

Me: ngl I dislike Veth at this point. She's outright toxic to Caleb in a way that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sibling: How dare she call him that when her first impulse in ANY SITUATION is to kill... and she dragged him to the hall he was abused in and condemned him for killing people as swiftly as he could.

Me: She's by far the most bloodthirsty, the whole group (but especially her) keep pushing him into situations he doesn't want to be in and then they clutch their pearls as he mops up the mess THEY pressured him into.

Sibling: I honestly wish Caddy had gone instead of Jester, but I understand why he couldn't.

Me: At EVERY TURN, even before Molly died, they pushed him and put him in dangerous situations he didn't want to be in and then they're like GASP he kills people really fast oh no!

Sibling: I mean, what I don't get is that... yeah, visually the deaths seem horrible. HE MADE SURE THEY DIED AS QUICKLY AS-AS THAT LADY FROM HITMAN WHO GETS SQUASHED IN THE GIANT PRESSER.

Me: No one else in the party gets pressured to do things they don't want to do quite like Caleb does.  Maybe Caduceus, early on.  But they are CONSTANTLY doing this to Caleb at every turn.  Fjord is probably the only one who consistently tries to avoid doing that. Everyone else gets the whole "we'll support whatever you choose to do" treatment. Not Caleb.

Sibling: but yeah, Beau seems... okayish about it? But I wish she'd kept her mouth shut about Astrid. Why should he have to hear what someone complicit in his abuse and others' is "feewwing"? She's using him and she's using the 9.

Me: It makes me so angry, because Caleb, more than any other member of the party, really ought to be given respect for his own autonomy and wishes, ESPECIALLY with regards to his past! They don't just pressure him to do things he doesn't want to do with respect to his past (and other situations, too) but they demand that he do what they think he should while holding the motives they think he should have while doing so. It's not enough that he go after Trent, he has to police his own feelings and do it for the right reasons.  Which is really disgusting because all of them are clearly chomping at the bit to kill Trent out of revenge, but Caleb's supposed to want to kill Trent for the greater good. Like seriously FUCK OFF.

Sibling: EXACTLY.  HE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS. It's the expectation of: "You should feel and do these things in regards to your trauma, because doing anything else makes us uncomfortable." Don't we know that fucking feeling. You don't even have to like how you're feeling and other people still get to dictate what is and isn't acceptable.  It's genuinely appalling.

Me: I think it's really gross how supportive the group is of each other when it comes to all their various problems, but with Caleb, they are constantly pressuring and challenging him and NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

Sibling: I felt Veth and Caleb's personal exchange was sweet, but I'm right back to feeling that she needs to go when they go to Nicodranas, just... just stay with your family. Bring back Taryon or something.

Me: If this last episode was proof of anything, it's that forcing Caleb to confront his past because others in the party want him to is nothing short of abusive behavior on their parts.

Sibling: Not to mention the condemnation of how he handles the thing they pressured him to do.

Me: And I have thought this even before he told Beau and Molly about Trent, because Caleb didn't want to participate in that tournament thing in Zadash that put him back on Trent's radar. And after he told them, did he ever get an apology from those who pressured him to participate in that?  No.

Sibling: ... I just don't understand the 9. Caleb... It'd be like how they treated Fjord in regards to Avantika, honestly.

Me: But frankly she (Veth) has been repeatedly very cruel to him in a very casual way.

Sibling: Totally, wtf, she says she loves him but she acts like she thinks he’s an awful person- a useful awful person.

Me: And I should be clear, I've tried really, really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt, and she just keeps doing it over and over.

Sibling: Dude, same. I thought we got Nott back, and was feeling good until recently.

Me: And the thing that pisses me off most of all is that Caleb HAS made clear what HE wants at this point, and the party just... glossed over it.  Caduceus said he approved of Caleb's stance, but... That doesn't mean anything if you don't actively push back against the pressure the other party members apply.

Sibling: As I've said before, I want Caduceus and Caleb to have this talk and yet I realize that he's not that kind of counselor. I don't see Ducey as an advocate... he has no idea what Caleb went through and doesn't have the skills to help him cope; he's a grief counselor, not a therapist.

Me: What Caleb needs is input from people who aren't so pushy about this.  Fjord is a good choice but, like Caddy, he's shown that he won't step in and be like "how about we do what CALEB wants?"

Sibling: And... they're able to semi-acknowledge Beau's trauma but not Caleb's? Fjord honestly is the closest thing to an advocate Caleb has but he... he's also too passive.  He doesn't care if Caleb does something he'll regret and also doesn't care that other people are pushing him into doing things he'll regret.

Me: Honestly this is why I was HOPING that Essek would get to know the party better, because for all his faults, Essek generally has a cool head and I think he WOULD push back against the others and say that, especially with his experience with the Assembly. I think that Essek would definitely support Caleb's perspective more than the others and he's not afraid to push back with his opinions.

Sibling: Shadowgast forever. Even if it dismays the Widojest fans, who apparently don't like shipping Caleb with people who are morally questionable. Despite the fact that Jester was willing to dupe a ton of people into putting their lives in danger for an imaginary friend.

Me: (not touching ship wars with a ten foot pole, tyvm) I think if Essek saw the way the party members were pressuring Caleb with respect to Trent in particular, he'd be a bit taken aback because he's seen how amenable to the wants of his friends Caleb is.

Sibling: Essek did what Essek wanted to and it got him into trouble. Caleb is helping other people and doing exactly what others tell him to, feeling what others want him to, trying to please them, and it's getting him into trouble. They could do with a bit of reigning in for each other.

Me: Ngl, if this mess gets Caleb killed, I'm going to lose it.

Sibling: Well, I mean... If Caleb dies at all, I'm going to lose it... especially because his blood will be on the 9's hands and I'm not sure if, like Molly, he would want to come back. Which is awful to say but I wonder if someone so... hurt wouldn't just... let it happen.

Sibling: I sort of got it from a player's perspective in regards to Ducey? The cast was bored and weren't really interested in Cad's story so they messed around and ignored him... But like, this? This is... "We need to see Caleb's story arc because we haven't yet, even though it doesn't make sense right now and we're already on a time limit"

Me: That's true... IT MAKES ME SO MAD.  When they finished the spell for Veth and tricked Isharnai, Cale let her take time to think before they removed the curse.  He didn't even fully understand why she needed that time but he gave it to her.  And again, on Rumblecusp for Jester, he was like "here is what I can offer.  What do you want me to do for you?  I am here for you."  AND THEY NEVER DO THE SAME THING IN TURN.  WHEN IT'S HIS TURN, THE PARTY IS LIKE "HERE IS WHAT WE WANT YOU TO DO AND HOW WE WANT YOU TO FEEL ABOUT IT."

Sibling: It's true. I'd go so far as to say Caleb's self-destructive in that respect.

Me: Maybe I'm being uncharitable, but this has been going on for 127 episodes and it hasn't gotten any better! They're STILL doing this and they're not even being half as supportive about it the way they were with Jester's angst about Artagan!  And Caleb is almost as young as Jester mentally!

Sibling: No, I don't think you're being uncharitable. They treat Caleb like they know what's best for him and not one has bothered to ask him- SERIOUSLY ASK HIM- "Do you want to deal with this now, later, or not at all? because it's okay if you don't want to deal with it. That's your choice."

Sibling: Can you imagine if they were as supportive to Caleb as they were to Jester about her "pedoy-creeper" imaginary friend? Meanwhile Caleb's backstory has ACTUAL TONES of sexual abuse and they're just like hahaaha, don't you want to go back to the torture prison?? You can get some anti-spy necklaces, it'll be good but don't kill anyone there even if they were complicit in your abuse...

Me: AND THEN RESPECT THAT CHOICE. They do not, DO NOT, get to clutch their pearls over Caleb killing people in the sanatorium after all this time.  THEY pressured him to do this, THEY ALREADY KNEW this would be awful for him, THEY'VE ALREADY SEEN WHAT HE'S LIKE in these situations, and THEY ARE JUST AS MURDEROUS AS HE IS.  When other party members kill people, it's no big deal, but when Caleb is faced with people who imprison and experiment on and torture people like him (ONLY FIVE-SIX YEARS AGO HE WAS IN THERE) and he kills them and they have the audacity to be upset as if they haven't killed dozens of other people for far weaker reasons!

Sibling: ... Actually, do you think it's a sexism thing? They're not addressing Caleb's massive elephant in the room because there's a cute gal who has mild creeper overtones in her backstory?

Me: Yes, I absolutely do. If Caleb was a cute girl, they would be far more emotionally supportive and would not be pressuring him in this way. It absolutely wouldn't happen.

Sibling: Like, they punched the crap out of Artagan, which like, cool, but what did he do to Jester? He screwed over other people and there's some mild undertones of gross manipulation when she was little. Trent canonically abused the Blumentrio when they were children and then stripped Caleb's ability to say "no" from him for 11 years...

Me: It's not just because he's a boy, but he also looks older than he is- early thirties instead of early twenties, and I'd argue that his five years on the streets barely count for mental maturity, too- so they don't give him the same kind of unabashed emotional support, because they still code him as someone "unstable/misled" who needs to be "guided/controlled," hence the constant pressuring and questioning.

Me: No, and that's the thing. The thing that hangs over this in particular. The party barely knows anything about the abuse he suffered and they, including Caleb, know almost nothing about what he endured in the asylum. I can't even imagine how horrifying it is to be there. Just think about it.

Sibling: I have, and I can empathize

Me: Every time he saw one of those guards, you know he had to think... "Did this one hurt me?  Did this one?  Do they know?  They have to know.  There's no way they don't know even if they didn't participate... I was here just a few years ago... Did one of them hurt me?  Did one of them touch me?  Did one of them see me?! I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER IF THEY HURT ME BUT THEM JUST BEING HERE MEANS THEY ARE HURTING PEOPLE LIKE ME." How is anyone, even someone who wasn't tortured and brainwashed as a teenager, supposed to handle that?

Sibling: I know how much it can fuck you up IRL to be abused. Can you imagine 11 years of that??? Fuck no, it was awful just the few times it happened but that was his TRAINING before it was his PRISON. And then his "friends" call him a murderer. Cold, cruel. And that's the thing... I don't know if Caleb will ever open up to anyone about it. Maybe Essek, but certainly not Veth. Veth doesn't care unless she can get something out of it.

Me: It's shocking to me that no one in the party seemed to even consider what a horrible thing it was to do to bring Caleb back there.  It speaks to how little consideration they actually have for his feelings on any meaningful level.

Sibling: The only person I can think of who might have an excuse is Caddy because I don't think he's had that specific talk with Caddy. And he never will, because those characters never fucking talk.

Me: No, when they were in Rexxentrum, he clarified some things. He told them that Trent would hurt him and then apologize after the fact, and about his parents, and in Felderwin he did tell them about the experiments, and they knew that he was kept in the asylum for eleven years.

Sibling: Ugh, you're right. I mean I feel like I just don't understand the 9 right now. Caleb... It's a lot like how how they treated Fjord in regards to Avantika, honestly. In fact, I keep drawing parallels to Fjord.

Me: Yeah, that was terrible.

Sibling: It's another "ughh he's a boy he needs to deal with it" rather than "that was awful and I'm sorry" "what can we do to help" And honestly fuck that mindset.

Me: And remember; Caleb was the only one to consider that what happened with Avantika would be hard on Fjord, and even said to Beau and Nott that they needed to be supportive... and then they just ignored him.

Sibling: How dare they treat Jester, who... I'm sorry, what's her trauma again? She was stuck inside for a while... nvm, why is she being treated with more care than Caleb and Fjord, who've both had actual abusive experiences... and the answer is that they've got dicks, and that means they don’t need concern and care. They can deal with it themselves, they have to be MANLY and cope with violence, but also violence is bad and you shouldn't engage in it... "how dare you strike back at the abusers we told you to strike back at?"

Me: Yes.  That is exactly it, and don't forget this:  When the party first met Nott and Caleb, they assumed that Caleb was a FUCKING PREDATOR preying on Nott.  Why?  Because he's a homeless man in his apparent thirties, and she was small.

Sibling: Critical Role and the Assumed Nature of People w/ Penises

Me: The best thing Nott ever did for Caleb was correct the record on that bullshit.

Sibling: But again, that's Nott, not Veth. God I miss Nott.

Me: That was back when he was a surrogate for her family and her hope for becoming herself again.

Sibling: I just.... I don't understand what changed; she cared for Caleb even if it was for her own gain... why is she still manipulating him if she has nothing more to gain?

Me: It was Felderwin (when it started to change).  But she's doing it now because it will make it easier for her to leave guilt free.

Sibling: Then leave... Don't hang around with a "murderer" if you're going to pretend you haven't done your fair share of slaughtering yourself- fuck, she even drew first blood in that fight, WHY?!

Me: You don't get to put someone into a position where they have to kill people and then get upset and call them a murderer when they kill people.  If Veth had just shot and killed the guy in one turn, do you think she'd get that kind of reaction?  No. But because it's the traumatized young man who was trained to be a murderer as a teenager, it's somehow particularly bad when he kills... when he has no choice but to do so?! Ridiculous.

Sibling: I just find it so weird that the ACTUAL murder hobo of the group is pointing at another member and calling him the murder hobo. He has killed people, he was a hobo, but the people who have truly done disgusting things over the course of the campaign is not the hobo who is a murderer. It's the Chaos Crew. Beau killed a person with acid when she had a knife readily available... and you know... could have snapped his neck to begin with... not that the party knows that but.

Me: That's what I EXPECTED Beau to do!

Sibling: The GROUP was all horrified and shocked when Caleb quickly and swiftly took out the guards of the torture dungeon but Beau let a man suffer for fucking MINUTES while acid burned out his throat and he suffocated and STILL DIDN'T DIE until she had to finish him off... and Beau killed that man near Caduceus' family, threw his head in the water.

Me: Remember when Nott killed that guard in Uthodurn?

Sibling: Veth has killed so many people when they didn't need to, but no. Using quick, lethal methods to dispatch guards (much, MUCH BETTER than burning) is too far.

Me: NONE of them are pushed back on in the same way, and none of them are pressured to act/feel a certain way, and ALSO... The party has ONLY benefited from this side of Caleb. It is the ONLY reason that Fjord, Yasha, and Jester are alive, because he went into that space to save them in the Sour Nest.  It is the ONLY reason they took down Avantika as easily as they did, because he went all out in that fight. It is the ONLY reason they got Yeza out and made friends with the Dynasty, because he was willing to do something that got him scolded- SCOLDED- by the group even though it saved them and HE was the one losing out more than any other by giving up the beacon! And it is therefore the reason they were able to use their clout in the Dynasty to END THE WAR. They benefit from this headspace Caleb falls into and then condemn it at the same time. Don't want him to be that way?  Stop putting him in situations where he HAS TO BE THAT WAY.

Sibling: Caleb is the glue for the M9, has saved them more times than they can count. Time, traveling and in combat, and they're still demanding he address his trauma in ways that make them comfortable. Despicable, and honestly? Toxic.

Me: And now he may fall back into the hands of his abuser because of it. I've been thinking of this ever since the peace talks that it was such a shame that Essek was the traitor because Caleb really, really could have benefited from having a true safe space in Rosohna. What a shame it is that Essek was working for THEM, and broke Caleb's trust, and now Rosohna doesn't feel like a place he can really go to anymore.

Sibling: He still can. If Essek survives, go live in your wizard tower, resummon it every single day, and live life away from both sides of the war.

Me: No, I agree. Probably the worst thing that people keep pressuring Caleb on is not revenge. It's what they keep implying he ought to do after Trent is dead. He DOESN'T WANT to be part of the government. He just wants the scourger program to stop.

Sibling: He owes the government NOTHING. It has only hurt him. He doesn't need to be forced to pick up the mess that OTHER PEOPLE CAUSED because he was affected by it.

Me: He just wanted to teach magic ffs.  That breaks my heart. Like, what a terrible thing... to tell someone who already thinks he doesn't deserve to be happy, that he should spend his life in a job he DOESN'T WANT in order to fix things that PEOPLE WHO WRONGED HIM DID. Because he could cave in and do it; he hates himself, and that's the true grossness of all the pressure the party puts on Caleb. His self-loathing makes him inclined to just give in and do what they say, because his own desires will end up stifled by theirs.

Sibling: I think the thing that's weird to me though? Is that... other cast members don't... seem to see that. Even in the Talks Machina segments. Liam has expressed how profoundly damaged Caleb is and the cast, not just the party just... doesn't seem to mind? And I honestly, HONESTLY think it's sexism.

Me: Yeah, remember how sweet they were to Calianna? >_> Less trauma with actions just as bad, and yet... "CALEB WHY ARE YOU DOUBTING AND DISTRUSTING HER" - said the people who non-stop doubt and distrust Caleb.

Sibling: I do completely agree that the way the 9 have been handling Caleb's trauma is encapsulated by last week's episode... I think it: 1) Has a lot to do with sexism and 2) Has a lot to do with the cast rushing his arc before the Eiselcross arc is completed. This doesn't feel like his choice to enter his arc. This feels like his hand was forced to address trauma before he was ready and I don't think that's a great look for the 9.

Me: It makes me sad, too, because I feel like with the careless way the Nein handle Caleb's past... I just don't see any way for things to end well for Astrid and Wulf, to be honest.  There's no way these buffoons won't fuck up any chance at those two being redeemed. And I'm not even crazy about the prospect of them being redeemed, but if there's any chance for it... it won't be Caleb that fucks it up.  It will be the other members of the Nein, I just know it.

Sibling: No, they'll force a romance that won't be any less toxic than it was before. Because a woman needs to heal Caleb's wounds. *pukes*

Me: GOD AND THEN... Like, they all want revenge on Trent even as they pretend that Caleb shouldn't and needs to do things for the greater good, but... the thing is that if they really, really wanted justice for Caleb... Why, why, WHY are they not coordinating with the COBALT SOUL  to take Trent down?! That is their ACTUAL BEST AVENUE for doing so! And Caleb would be far more safe and comfortable doing that!

Sibling: "Because the Cobalt Soul is Beau's arc and we want to do Caleb's arc"

Me: Beau gets a trial for her trauma... Caleb gets called a stone-cold murderer for being forced to confront his directly. Then stop pressuring him into direct confrontations with his trauma!

Sibling: Sexism, I'm telling you.  She's a laddyyyy

Me: And more and more I'm thinking that the 8th floor of the tower is actually a really healthy thing for him to do, because it's obvious that he's never going to be able to healthily process his trauma in a way that's under his control with the Nein constantly pressuring him to confront it in dangerous, unsafe ways that he doesn't want to. It's amazing to me that they balked at the 8th floor of the tower but have no problem MAKING HIM INTERACT DIRECTLY WITH THE ASSEMBLY AND THE SANATORIUM.

Sibling: And here's my thought regarding that... He can change the tower. When he doesn't need those rooms anymore, he will change them. As he has for his friends. That's a sign of healing. It's a scar that will heal, and that he has power over.

Me: Yes, yes, exactly! And the thing about it is... It's like photos, you know? And no one can actually hurt him in that space.

Sibling: He doesn't have the power over his place of abuse. Old photos can be used to safely address old trauma... walking into the torture-prison and whining about the people you hurt in there is just...

Me: ... It reminds me of the sequence in Tales of Berseria, where they torture Velvet simply by revealing hidden knowledge about the past to her, or Tales of the Abyss, where Luke finds out he was made to do something horrible and it breaks his ego. They are literally putting Caleb into situations where something like that could happen to him every time he meets Astrid or Trent or goes to a place where he will be triggered. I mean full-on total mental breakdown.

Sibling: Honestly? that's what I am expecting and it still could happen.

Me: All it would take is some sort of reveal about those eleven years. Or that night. Or something... and he could just shatter to pieces, and they haven't seemed to have even considered that. It's unbelievable. I'm terrified of a "You destroyed the pillar that supported Akzeriuth.  You committed more atrocities you can’t even fathom" moment for Caleb. ;_;

Sibling: stop, god, I can't I would literally have a meltdown like this if Caleb was forced to regress because he wouldn't regress like Beauregard... he would regress, like any abused child to being hurt again.

Me: But we don't know WHAT THEY DID TO HIM... Not fully. I mean the asylum, too, because it's not just that they could have done anything to him in that place. It's that they could have MADE HIM DO THINGS.

Sibling: They abused him, experimented on his body with residuum, and broke his mind. Why would any of that have stopped, when he was literally at Trent's summer house?

Me: And worse still, Trent has ALREADY TRIED TO CAUSE SUCH A BREAKDOWN. He tried to blue-screen Caleb repeatedly at the dinner with comments about his parents. We ALREADY KNOW that he wants to provoke some sort of breakage in Caleb, so why, WHY would you pressure Caleb to go back to that place?!

Sibling: Not to mention, (fucking IDIOTS) THAT ASTRID SENT HIM THERE. SHE WORKS WITH TRENT. SHE WANTS CALEB OUT OF THE WAY. What better way to do it than another 11 years to plan?

Me: She told him Trent wasn't there, too. :-/ Now, that still might have been true in that... he might have been called to the place, but I doubt it.

Sibling: What I want to be said... nvm, I'll actually save that for therapy lol. That's too deep and I don't wanna type that out. That's the problem with characters with trauma: what you want for them might hit too close to home LMAOAOOO. Hurts your heart, especially when it's glossed over.

Me: Caleb getting justice shouldn't necessitate his trauma being rubbed in his face 24/7.

Sibling: TRUE. Truest goddamn thing I ever heard. Especially if his choice is to be done with it.

...........

We didn’t really touch on Yasha, who has actually been a good influence on Caleb, imo, and there were other things we could have talked about that are related to this subject, but *shrug*

Anyway, this conversation mostly came from a place of hurt.  It’s frustrating to see characters who claim to love a traumatized character consistently, thoughtlessly behave in ways that are hurtful to that character, and in often brazenly selfish ways.  We’re not saying you can’t like characters who do that... this conversation was actually prompted by frankly hurtful posts with respect to Caleb’s mental state.

Also sorry for those who are unfamiliar with Tales of the Abyss/Tales of Berseria.  Both of these video games have traumatized protagonists and both games explore their growth (or decline) as a result of that trauma, and were useful in our discussion for making my point.

.

Edit: Okay, so the first comment I got was someone saying that I’m allowed to think what I want but they don’t want to see it.  If you’ve read this far, I hope you noticed that this post criticized that sort of attitude... IN THE CHARACTERS OF CR... It’s bad to pressure a person into exhibiting their trauma in a way that makes normies “comfortable,” so of course the first responder to the post decided to prove just that.  I deleted that comment... but not before doing what they wanted, like people like me and characters like Caleb almost always end up doing anyway.  Thanks for that. I can see why my post upset that poster. *rolls eyes*

#critrole spoilers #critical role #critrole #spoilers #critical role 127 #caleb widogast #fjord stone #jester lavorre #caduceus clay #beauregard lionett #trent ikithon #essek thelyss #abuse #trauma #meta #autonomy #calianna #relevant tag removed upon request

[janicho88]

Fire, Fur & Mistletoe Chapter 2

Pairing- Dean x Lisa, Eventual Dean x Female Reader.

Word Count-6,102

Warning- Mentions of: loss of parents, death, car accidents, and fires, alcoholism.  Fired from a job. Putting animals up for adoption, eviction.  Possible swearing. Slight angst. Fluff,

Summary- A rewrite of the Nine Lives of Christmas, Hallmark movie. AU, Dean is a firefighter who doesn’t do commitment, the Holiday’s don’t mean much to him.  Coming home after a shift he finds a dog in trouble.  The reader is a veterinary student who works in a coffee shop trying to make it to graduation, until someone causes problems there for her.  She isn’t interested in finding anyone other than her own dog until after she finishes school.  Do their four legged friends have other plans?

A/N- This series is written for @spnchristmasbingo.  The square filled for this chapter is Decorating.  The first two chapters will stay closer to the movie than the rest will.  

This has its own tag list and it is open.  That way I am not tagging anyone who doesn’t want to be tagged in Christmas stories.   This story is unbeta’d.

Header by the amazing @winchest09

Divider from freepngimg.com

Series Masterlist

The day after you were fired you dragged yourself to class determined to keep pushing toward your goal.  No matter how upset you might have been.  Charlie tried to distract you but it didn’t work.  You spent the night trying to study for your upcoming finals. 

Thursday, you went through the want ads and looked for any openings you would be qualified for.  The hardest part was needing flexible hours for school.  Then you prepared your resume and looked up other places in town who might have online applications you could fill out.  

Friday, Charlie reminded you of the Sweet on You party you had agreed to go to.  With everything happening you had completely forgotten, but told her you would meet her there when she didn’t back down.  Walking up the driveway to the house where tonight’s party was, you could see all the happy people inside.  You could see Charlie was laughing with a brown haired girl in the living room window.  You didn’t fit in with this group tonight, you couldn’t pretend to be happy.

Taking out your cell phone you call Charlie’s phone to leave her a message.  “Hey, I’m so sorry.  I’m not going to be able to make it to the mixer.  I hope you have fun.  I’ll see you in class.”  

Turning around you head back to your car to go home and spend the night on your couch with Dakota. 

Dean took Miracle back home, Lisa complaining about the dog the whole time.  He just tuned her out. 

Wednesday he was back at the station for a 48hr shift.  Things were a little slow, which was good in the sense that people weren’t in trouble and needing them, but it could also make for a long day.  He was in the workout room with the guys when Bobby walked in with wrapping paper.  It was for the toys that had been donated.

“No adoption huh?”  He asked, seeing Miracle sitting next to Benny.

“Not yet, Lisa is still trying.  He probably deserves a better owner than me.”

“Do you know having a dog can be good for your health?”  Cas asked.

“No, but I think I do sleep better since he’s been around.”

“You know you are going to have to choose between her and the dog, right?” Cas wanted to know.

“I’ve got an idea, brother.  How about you keep Miracle and give Lisa my number.” Benny suggested.

“I think Miracle would make a better girlfriend than Lisa. I’m not sure that will work when you and Andrea, finally get back together.” Sam threw out.

“Yeah, but who knows when that will be?  I could have some fun in the meantime.”

“You’re awful.”

“Thanks, Shaggy.”  Benny throwing out his nickname for Sam.

“Are we going to keep him around here when we’re working?  Make him our firehouse Mascot?”  Cas wanted to know.

“The other stations have Dalmatians, they might make fun of us for him.”  Benny stated.

“Who cares, makes us unique.  We don’t need to be like the others anyway.”  Bobby told them before walking over to Dean.  “So Winchester, what are you going to do?  Keep the good old boy, or let a girl push him away.  I told you, I don’t trust a girl who doesn’t like dogs.”

Dean spent the first night of the shift thinking about his options and what the guys had said. The next day at the firehouse he left Miracle at the station when he had a minute to run a quick errand, there was a stop he needed to make.

Walking into Braeden’s he looked around, but didn’t see Y/N anywhere.  So he headed up to talk to the blonde running the register.  

“Hi, I was in here a few days ago.  I’m looking for the girl who was working with you, Y/N.”

“Y/N, she was such a great person.  I miss seeing her.  She no longer works here.  She got fired.”

“What, why?  What happened?”

“Your girlfriend, Lisa.  Complained about Y/N to her dad.  I don’t think Mr Bradean really  wanted to fire her, she’s the best barista we had. She  remembers people's orders and their  favorites.  She handles the difficult ones without a problem.  The only one of  us who can get the cranberry bars just right, and this time of year they are the most popular.  His daughter is a beautiful, but horrible superficial nightmare of a person.”

“I get it.”

“She is trying to put herself through school.  She really needed this job.”

“Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that.  Do you have her number or home address, maybe?”

“Why, she doesn’t have enough problems, now you want to go burn down her house too?”

“What? No.  I want to apologize.”

“Oh really?”  Claire leans against the other counter folding her arms and glaring at Dean.

 “I didn't know Lisa did that,  I would have stopped her if I did. I’m so sorry.  Please.  I feel really awful this happened to her.  Is there any information you can give me that would help me find her?”

 “Her last name is Y/L/N, that’s all I am going to tell you about her.”

“Thank you.”

He leaves to head back to the station.  There still isn’t much going on so he grabs his computer and uses some of the down time to sit in the common room and look up Y/N Y/L/N on social media accounts.  Bobby is in the kitchen area behind working on some food.  Cas, Benny and Sam are playing cards at the long dinner table.  

“Any luck yet?  Bobby asked.

“Nope, I can’t find her anywhere.  None of these profiles on facebook,or  linked in are her.  I even searched twitter.”  

“I can’t believe Lisa got her fired.”  Cas just shook his head. 

“That’s pretty cold, man.  Maybe I don’t want her to have my number.” 

“Not a problem Benny.”

“You know, you haven’t told us anything about this girl you are trying so hard to find.”

“She is wicked smart.  I would bet she’s getting straight A’s.”

“Okay more important question here,”  Benny interrupts.  “What does she look like?”  

Cas and Sam both throw chips at him for that comment. 

“Hey, I’m curious, here?”

“She’s really pretty, but she’s the kinda girl that doesn’t know it.”

“That’s the best kind.”  Bobby tells him.

“Is she nice?”  

“Unbelievably so, she is super sweet.  She loves animals, especially dogs.”

“Okay so let’s see if I got this, she’s wicked smart.  Pretty but not full of herself, sweet with a heart of gold?”

“Yeah.”  Dean looks around and everyone is looking at him.  “What am I missing here?”

“Apparently a lot,”  his brother tells him.

“She sounds like a special person.”

Dean shrugs, “Yeah, she is I guess.”

“I have an idea.”  Sam turned to Dean.  “Why don’t you ask your girlfriend to get it from her dad.  Actually that is a conversation I would pay to watch you have with Lisa.  ‘Lisa can you get me the address of the girl you had fired so I can go apologize to her, for you being the bitch you are.  See I’m in love with her, but I haven’t figured that out for myself yet.’ “

“Are you done?”  Dean asks his brother anything but amused.

“For now,”  the younger Winchester joins in laughing with the others.

“Boy, you are a special kind of idjit.  You lot, go finish that equipment inventory.”

“Sure thing Chief, just let me beat these guys real quick.”  Looking up Benny sees Bobby’s face.  “Or now is good.” 

Bobby walks over to the table from the kitchen counter he was working at, “So, Y/N.”

“She doesn’t want to date until after she graduates and starts working.  She is nothing like the kind of girl I go out with normally, anyways.  She actually believes in true love and Marriage.”

“It’s really not that bad you know.  Don’t tell Ellen I said that.”

Dean chuckles at that, knowing how much the grumpy man really does love his wife.

“Just because things didn’t work out for your parents doesn’t mean it won’t for you.  Look at Sam and Jess.”

“It’s not what I’m looking for Bobby.”

“Then why are you here spending your time searching for this very pretty and smart girl?”

“I just want to apologize.”

“Yeah, sure.  Don’t you want a family one day?  Someone you can share the Holidays and special moments with?”

“You and the guys are my family.  You know this.”

“As close as you and your brother are, you still can’t snuggle up with me the other idjits on a cold night, after a rough shift.”

“Is that a firm no?”

Bobby just shakes his head at Dean's attempt at humor, and goes back to the kitchen.

When the shift ends Friday afternoon he takes Miracle home and tries to relax before getting some work around the house done.  He goes back Saturday for a 24 hour shift.

“It looks like the two of us are going to be stuck together for a little while.  You can stay until I finish here and sell the house.  Then you are on your own.  For now on we can come and go as we please.   You aren’t responsible for me, I’m not responsible for you,  That work for you?  Just a couple of bachelor's living together.  Good talk, let’s go watch the game.”  Miracle follows Dean into the living room, curling up in his lap.

After the game Dean heads out to get some supplies he needs to work on the house.  Lisa is in the kitchen with dinner when he arrives back home.  

“What are you doing here Lisa?  Weren’t you supposed to have a shoot today?”

“It was postponed so I came over to make you dinner, it took all day.”

“You made the food here?”  

“Yeah so it would be nice and hot when you got out.”

“Uhuh. hey have you seen Miracle? 

“No, figured it was with you.”

“He was here earlier”

“I’m sure it’s around somewhere.  Go shower I’m sure you smell like smoke.  I’ll put the food on the table.”

“My shift ended hours ago, Lisa.  I already showered.  I need to look for Miracle.”

“Miracle hey, come here dog.” she pretends to look for him.  “Guess he’s not here, let’s eat.”

“He usually greets me when I come home, he must have gotten out.  I need to go find him.”

“Why? It’s just a stupid dog, who cares?  Now come eat this delicious dinner I made.”  That puts Dean over the edge with her.

He turns back around in the doorway, “You just don’t get it do you?  Did you really have that barista from your father’s coffee shop fired?”

“Yeah, she was completely awful to me.  I can’t have that.”

“She was giving you facts about Miracles, She wasn’t doing anything to you.  You can’t just have people fired when you don’t like what they say Lisa.”

“Sure I can.  She doesn’t matter, the dog is finally gone.  Everything is just how it’s supposed to be.”  She tells him with a shrug.

“You know, I don’t think this is going to work.” 

“What?”

“You and me.”

 “Wait, are you seriously breaking up with me?”

“Yeah, yeah I guess I am.”

“I’m a model and you think you are going to break up with me?”

“You might need to get your hearing checked, yes I am.”

“You can’t do that, I'm the best thing to ever happen to you.  You are going to regret this Dean Winchester.  I won’t take you back when you come begging me to.  I spent all day making this dinner for you.  I got my hair done for you, these highlights were expensive.”

“No, you actually didn’t.  That stove isn’t connected, I just bought it. I know it doesn’t work yet, and the take out bags are sticking out of the trash outside.  Nice try though.  I’m sure the hair was for you and no one else. I think you need to go, Lisa.”

She stomps out of the room in a huff, slamming the front door when she exits.

Dean went to look for Miracle but didn’t have any luck finding him.  The backdoor wasn’t shut tight, Lisa must have done that when she took the trash out. 

Saturday was spent with your list going to all the places you found that might be looking for help, and making stops with those who had ‘Now Hiring’ signs up.  Passing some Christmas carolers in the town square you stop and listens for a moment.  You do love this time of year.   A couple of places took your resume, but others weren’t very keen to work around a school schedule.

The best you could do is just keep trying until something works in your favor. 

Sunday, morning Donna was over bright and early to start your day together.   She brought donuts and coffee with her.  Chatting with you and petting Dakota as you got yourself ready to go.  The first stop she had planned for the two of you were mani/pedi’s.  It had been a long time since you felt that relaxed.  For a little while in the chair you were able to forget about your troubles.  When you were done there the two of you visited a few shops you were passing by.  

From there you grabbed a light lunch and listened to the carolers and watched the other shoppers.  

“I should head back home to study.”

“No, we had a deal.  It’s time for your hair and makeup appointment.  Then i’m taking you to get a new dress.”

“I don’t know.”

“Hey, I know you.  I bet you already know everything you need for your exam.  You are just overthinking it. Relax.  Take some time to enjoy the Holiday season.”

“Fine.”

When your hair and nails were done she took you to a little boutique to look for a dress for the Mayor’s party.  You tried on multiple options before she handed you a black long sleeve one stopped mid thigh.

“Come on out already, I want to see it.”

You pulled the curtain back and stepped out.

“Wow, look at you girl.  Green eyes is going to flip when he sees you in this.”

“Oh no, I can’t afford this one.”

“I’m going to get it for you, I got a bonus.  You deserve to be taken care of once in a while too.”

“It’s too much.”

“Y/N, when mom and dad died, you came home to take care of me.  You put your whole life on hold, just for me.  This dress is nothing compared to that.  Please let me do this.”

You walked over to look in the mirror, Donna coming up beside you.  “You look like mom.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you do.”

Turning, you give your sister a big hug.

Leaving there you thought she was finally taking you home to study but you find her pulling into the fire station and you start to panic.  “What, what are we doing here?

“Do you really think I’m just going to take you home looking like that?  You are going to walk in there and make Green eyes faint.  Plus I want to meet him, you said he was working today.”

Dang it.  “No, no.”

“Come on, you can’t hide him forever.”

“I have to study for my final, I have to go home. Now.  Let’s go.”

“If you don’t get out and walk your but in I am going to drag you in there. Do you really want that?”  She was already unbuckling her seatbelt and going to open her door. 

“Wait! I’ll go in.  Okay I’ll go in.”

“He is going to be so surprised.”

“You have absolutely no idea how surprised.  You know what?I should really go in alone.”  Donna sits back in her seat raising her eyebrow at you.

“Why is that?”

“He’s going to see this outfit and want to grab me, and start kissing me.  One thing can lead to another.  It’ll be a little awkward with you there.  That’s not the best circumstances to meet him, when he’s making out with your older sister.  You can meet him at the Christmas party, promise.”

“Alright, fine.  I want details, I’ll wait here.”

“Oh no, that’s okay.”  Pretending to check the time.  “He’s about to get off shift, he can take me home.”

“Okay, fine.  Take care.  Have fun.”

“Thank you, and thank you for today.”

 You get out of her truck and slowly make your way up to the fire station, turning back to wave at your sister.  When she finally pulls away and you can’t see her anymore you turn and start walking back to your condo.  Great, you're in heels, this will be fun.  You don’t get too far down the road when you hear a dog bark at you.  Looking around you see a dog that looks like one you met earlier in the week.  He comes over rubbing against your bare legs and you check his collar.  Sure enough it says Miracle.  Just great.

“Hey there buddy, what are you doing out here?  Are you lost?”

Turning around and walking back to the station Miracle following along behind you.  When you step inside there are three guys working on cleaning the truck.

“Hi, sorry to bother you, I’m looking for the owner of this dog,”  You point to Miracle who is now sitting beside you.

“He’s mine!” two men call out at the same time, then turn and glare at each other.   The third with longer hair just shakes his head at them. 

“I think he belongs to someone named, Dean?”

“Yo, Jerk get out here.”  The shaggy haired man yells out.

Dean comes walking out from inside a minute later, “Bitch, what do you…”  He suddenly notices you, “Hey I’ve been looking for you two, how did you end up together?”  Bobby comes out to join Sam, Cas and Benny.  The four of them watching you and Dean.

“You’ve been looking for me?”  That really surprises you.

“Yeah, I heard about your job. I’m really sorry It’s my fault.”

“That wasn’t your fault it was all your girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend anymore.”

“That’s good.”  You seriously had no filter.  Dean looked up at you a little shocked by your comment.  “I’m mean, that’s too bad.”

“It’s alright, I knew she wasn’t the nicest, but I didn’t realize she could be that awful.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, at least you have Miracle back now.  Have a good night.”  With that you turned to walk out of the station.

Dean turns back around and the guys are all pointing and gesturing to you.  “Hey, Y/N, I’m getting off work soon.  Could I give you a ride home, or maybe buy you dinner?”

“Thank you for offering but you don’t have to. I'm fine walking.”

“Come on, let me buy you dinner.  With everything that’s happened it’s the least I can do.”

“You really don’t..”

Three shouts of “it’s the least he can do.”  Come from behind Dean.

“Okay, but only if I can take you to my favorite place.”

“Alright, do I need to run and change first?”  He looks down at his uniform blue pants and shirt.  If your favorite place is anything like Lisa's he is going to need dress pants a tie, the whole shebang.  

You pretend to look him over, “No I think I can get you in just fine dressed like that, I know the owner pretty well.  But what about Miracle?”

“He can hang out here, he’ll be fine with the guys around here.”

“Okay.” 

Bobby comes up to get Miracle, “We like having him here.”

Dean takes you to the common area and you wait in there until he is finished with his shift.  When you leave you give him directions to your favorite taco truck.  Dean wasn’t expecting this at all.

“This is really your favorite place?”

“Yes, taking a bite out of one of his tacos is like a surprise party in your mouth.  He’s open all night.  So when I’m studying really late I come and grab something from here.”

Grabbing your food you go and sit at one of the nearby tables.  Dean groans when he takes his first bite. “Oh you weren’t lying that is so good.”

“I know right?”  You smile at him. A sudden chill hitting you.  You tried to hide that you were cold because a big part of you really didn’t want the night to end.  Dean saw it anyway.

“Are you cold?”

“I’m alright.”  He shook his head at you.  

“I’ll be right back.  He returns with his yellow coat from his uniform draping it over your shoulders to keep you warm.

“Thank you.”  The two of you get up from the table and walk around the nearby park looking at the light displays around you.

“When I was 19 my parents died in a car accident.  I was away at college then.  I came back home to raise my little sister.  When she entered college I went back and started my undergrad back up.  Now I’m trying to finish veterinary school.”

“What made you want to become a vet?”

“My parents were huge animal lovers. My sister and I grew up around animals and that love for them passed down to us.  My mom was always taking in strays.  When I was seven, walking home from school I found a baby bird in the middle of the road.  The little guy was hurt when he fell out of his nest.  I took him home and nursed him back to health with the help of my parents.  I was there when he was finally able to take his first flight.  That’s when I realized I wanted to be a vet and help animals when I grew up.  What about you?  Why did you want to become a firefighter?”

“When I was four our house caught on fire, I was carrying my little brother Sammy out of the house.  The front door was engulfed in flames, I wasn’t sure how to get out.  This firefighter crashed through the living room window and got us to safety.”

“Wow.”  

“My mom was trapped, but they managed to get both of my parents out.  They blamed each other for the fire and started fighting a lot. Until they eventually divorced.  We lost my dad to the bottle a couple years ago.  Mom to a car accident.  The firefighters made me feel safe, and took care of me and my brother that night.  I wanted to be able to do that for others one day.”

“That’s powerful.”

He just nodded.

“What were your parents like?”

“They were so in love, they met in high school and that was it."

"So you could say he jumped in front of her and stopped her in his tracks. She followed him to the highest peak?”  He asks as he smiles at you.

It took you about thirty seconds to realize what he was saying, “You remembered the mountain lions.”

“Yeah, I did.”

The both of you sat there a few more minutes lost in your own thoughts before you reluctantly spoke up.  “I’ve really enjoyed tonight.  It’s been really nice, but I have a big final tomorrow morning.  I should try and get a little more studying in.”

“Okay, no problem.  I’ll take you home.”

Reluctantly you got up and followed Dean to his truck.  You gave him the address to you

 place, and he found it no problem.  As a fireman he most likely knows his way around town very well.  He walked you to the door when you arrived home.

“Thank you for dinner, it was nice of you.”

“No problem, Sweetheart.  Thank you for accepting my apology.”

The two of you stood there looking at one another for a minute or so before you snapped out of it.  

“Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.  Good luck on your final tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

The two of you so lost in thought you didn’t realize you were still wearing his coat until after he had already driven away.  

Your dreams that night revolved around a pair of green eyes, with a boyish smile and a great laugh.

You were studying as you were getting ready Monday morning, trying to get any last bit of new information in that you could.  All too quickly it was time to head out.  

Sitting down next to Charlie you apologized to her for missing Friday again.  She told you all about the girl she met there, Dorthey.  She seemed to really click with this one.  You were very happy for her.  At least one of you could get what you wanted.

The two of you walked out of the Veterinary school building an hour and a half later.  “Okay, that final was so much tougher that I thought it was going to be.”

“Charlie, I’m sure you did great.”

“At least that was our last one. Now Christmas break is finally here!”  She broke into a little dance as she was saying this.

“I’m glad you are so excited about this,”  you laughed watching her.  Turning back around someone caught your eye.

“Hi.”

“Hey, how did the test go?”

You were a little flustered, did he come all this way just to ask about your test?  “I think I did all right on it.”

“That’s great, glad to hear it.  How about I take you out for coffee and we can celebrate?”

Charlie was looking back and forth between the two of you, when she finally got a good look at Dean’s face.  “That’s Green eyes?”  She exclaimed much loudly for your liking.  Judging by Dean’s laugh and slight blush, he heard it too.

Reaching out you quickly smack her arm before turning back to Dean.  “That’s so nice of you to offer, but dinner last night was enough.”

“Wait he took you to dinner last night?”  Charlie wanted to know looking at Dean then you.

“Yes, please shut up.”  You whispered to her

“Let him take you for coffee.  She would love to go with you.”  Charlie turned to Dean shaking her head yes.

Dean was amused by Charlie's antics. You on the other hand could hurt your friend.  “Besides the coffee, I kinda need my coat back for work tonight.

“Oh, yeah.  I’m so sorry about that, I didn’t realize I still had it on till after you left.”

“It’s alright, let me take you for coffee and we can grab it after.”

“Alright.”

Charlie pushed you toward Dean, “Have fun you two!”

Dean took you to a coffee shop you had never been to before.  The two of you enjoying a nice conversation before being on your way.  When you were walking back to your place you commented on the shop.

“I really liked that place.  I’ve never been there before.  Or even heard of them before.”

“You know what they say, firemen and police always know where to get the best coffee. There was one I really liked, only had it a few times.  I’m pretty sure it was the barista there who made it so good.”  Dean winking at you as he said it.

The front of your condo coming into view. The door was wide open.  “Oh this is bad, so very bad.”  You run up the steps toward the door.

“What’s going on?”

“She found Dakota.” Dean watches you run inside slowly following behind, but staying out of sight.

Your landlady is standing at the counter when you come rushing in.  Hearing you she turns around.

“I just knew you were hiding something.  I had a plumber come in and check out your sink.  Do you know what he found?”  She asked you while holding up an Effective Immediately Eviction notice.

“Where is she?”

“I shut her in the back bedroom.”  You went right over to check on your girl.

When you come back she starts right back in on you.  “This is a clear violation of the Angel Arms by laws.  You have to be out by the end of the day.”

Good things get any worse for you right now?  Where were you supposed to go?

Just then Dean comes walking in holding up his fireman identification and badge, “I assume you gave this tenant 48 hours notice before you had a service person enter the residence?”

“I, um I’m not sure.”

“How about the fire code?  Are you all up to date on all of the apartment codes pertaining to apartment and condo buildings?”

She couldn’t even get a word out.

“What about all the bylaws with the state's statutes?”

“Well, I would think I…”

“I’ll be back next week and make sure you are in compliance with each and every state and city fire code.  If you aren’t I’m afraid I’ll have to slap you with a 777, and close this place down.”

Her eyes widened at that and she quickly left the building.  No doubt to start looking into all the codes and begin the tedious work of making sure each one was met.

You were watching Dean in awe, you couldn’t believe he would go to all this trouble for you.

“I’m sorry I won’t be able to stop the eviction, but I can make her miserable for awhile.”

“Dean, I don't know what to say.  Thank you for doing that.”

“Talk later, let’s get packing.”

“What?”

“You have to be out today, let’s go.”

“You’re going to help me?  Dean I don’t even know where I can go.  My sister doesn’t have room for us.  I couldn’t find a place to rent before this happened.”

“I have an idea.  The house I’m renovating right now, it has an upstairs apartment.  There is even an outside entrance so you could come and go as you needed.”

“Dean, I couldn’t do that and impose on you.”

“You aren’t.  I’m inviting you to stay.  You won’t even have to pay rent. So you can save for a new apartment. Plus I’m the reason you got fired.”

He really was giving you a tempting offer.  “You said yourself you had nowhere else you knew of to go.”

“Are you okay with dogs?”

“Yes, actually they are a must.  Plus you could help me out with Miracle.”

“I will pay you.”

“That’s okay, maybe you could just help me with the house some?”  

“I can do that.  Thank you so much.  I really appreciate this.”

“No problem Sweetheart. I’m going to go get us some boxes, while you start getting your stuff around.”  When Dean got outside he called Sam.

“Hey, you doing anything right now?”

“No, just hanging out till the shift starts.”

“I have a friend who needs some help packing up her apartment real fast.  Can you help?”

“Yeah, wait, her?  Who’s the her?  I thought Benny and Cas were your only friends?”

“Will you just stop talking and get over here?  I texted you the address.”

You were shocked when Dean returned with not only boxes but one of the other firemen.

“Y/N, this is my little brother Sammy.”

“It’s Sam.”

“This is Y/N, Sammy said he could help us out for a bit.”

“Thank you so much.  I really appreciate it.”

“No problem.  Dean told me what happened.”

In just a few hours the three of you had everything loaded up in the three vehicles.  The apartment came furnished so everything but the bed stayed.

Getting to Dean’s place you get out and look at the house, it’s amazing.

Heading inside Dean shows you around.  You are distracted by the wonderful details that surround it, and the great work Dean has done.  You can’t believe he rebuilt the entire staircase.  He is extremely talented. 

The two dogs are introduced and seem to get along really well.  You are kind of surprised, Dakota is usually more reserved around dogs she has never met before. 

“I think they are going to get along just fine.”  Dean tells you.

“Yeah, I guess us living together could work, I mean sleeping together.  NO, I just, you know what I mean, staying under the same roof, not in the same room.”  You aren’t sure your face could be any redder.

“Well, not sure I have a problem with the first two options either.”  

You were wrong, your face could get redder.

“I promise you won’t know I’m even here.  I’m looking for a new job, and I’ll look for a new place.  Hopefully I can find something by next week.”

“No rush, it’s fine Sweetheart.”

 The two guys help you unload the things in their vehicles before heading off to work. 

Wandering around the house you notice the living room and all the white paint stripes.  This must be the room Dean was saying he was having trouble finding the right color.  You didn’t have anything else to do so you go to work.

When Dean came home from work the next night, some amazing smell greeted him.  Y/N, must have grabbed takeout.  He’s hoping she got enough to share.  Looking around he finally found her on a ladder in the living room.  He walked in looking around.  He couldn’t believe it, the whole room was painted, and the color was perfect.

On top of the fireplace mantle he saw a few Christmas decorations out.  Some reindeer, a big snowman in the middle.  They weren't his so they must have come from your house.   It helped to make the room feel a bit homier than it had before.

Turning around you finally notice Dean.  “Oh hi,”

“Hey, I can’t believe you finished this room.  The color is perfect.”

“I’m used to being busy, but I’m currently unemployed, and school is on break for a month.  This is Pearl, it’s a layer of Egg shell over Egg crue.  It’s the only way to get this color.  It’s the least I could do for you rescuing Dakota and I.”

“Don’t worry about that.  I do appreciate you doing all this.”

“No problem, I like to keep busy.”  You get Dakota up to head to your apartment, you did tell him you would stay out of his way.  “Oh, there is chicken and mashed potatoes in the fridge if you want any.”

“It smells amazing, where did you pick it up from?”

“I cooked.”

Here we go again, Dean thought.  

“I saw the stove wasn’t hooked up, I hope you don’t mind I connected it.”

“Oh, no.  Thanks.”  That surprised Dean.  Y/N really was different than all the other girls he dated.  

As she walked out of the room he realized he didn’t want her to go,  “My shift was kinda slow, do you want to stay and eat with us?”

“We already ate, but thanks.  I’ll let you enjoy your downtime.”

“Oh okay.”

Walking back to the room you are talking with Dakota about why you left.  “He really doesn't want us to join him.  He was only being polite.”  Dakota gives a little growl.  “Don’t give me your attitude, missy.”

The next morning Dean is up looking around for Y/N, before he has to head out.  He knows she’s up; he saw the coffee put all made for him.  Not seeing her anywhere he assumes she is in her room and doesn't want to bother her.

He’s caught by surprises when he walks out the front door and sees her hanging up Christmas lights on the porch.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Morning, oh.  I heard Christmas lights and decorations can add curb side value to a house.  If you are going to sell when you’re finished.  Having some lights out now, might get people to notice the house.  Do you mind?”

“Not at all, great idea.  Thank you.”

“No problem.  You know, I have all that stuff from my apartment if you want to decorate the inside too.”  

“I’m not much for decorations, but you can have at it.”

He walks down to his truck and asks without thinking.  “I have to give a presentation to a group of fascinating people, would you like to come with me?”

“Sure, do I need to go change?”

“No, I think I can get you in with jeans and a sweater.”

“Alright, let me grab my phone.”

Hurrying back outside Dean locks the door behind you, “Let’s go Sweetheart.”

Thank you for reading!

Chapter 3 

Tags- @winchest09  @waywardbeanie @whatareyousearchingfordean  @flamencodiva @atc74 @deanwanddamons @jensengirl83 @abuavnee @lunarmoon8 @amyzombie1013 @akshi8278 @that-one-gay-girl @mandalou29​  @igotmadskills​

#Fire Fur & Mistletoe #dean winchester #dean x female!reader #dean x reader #christmas #spnchristmasbingo #supernatural #firefighter dean

[universitypenguin]

What happened to u? U okay?

Hello!

First off, thank you for your concern. I appreciate it and I needed it after the past two days. To answer your question - I'm doing great.

I don’t have a lot of context about your question, but I’m guessing your concern is due to my recent blocking spree. A day ago, I went through my followers list and found some minors. I’ve previously seen smut fanfic writers concerned by underage people interacting with their posts. Until I had to block a few of them, I wasn’t aware how uncomfortable it would make me feel.

Since the blocking spree, I've had a lot of thoughts. I'm about to spew them everywhere. You might regret asking me if I was okay. Sorry about that. No one needs to read this whole manifesto about my rollercoaster of emotions the past few days. But in the interest of transparency, I'm posting this very long note.

What I want my readers to know is the following:

Tumblr is both a place for fanfiction and a social media site.

When I interact with followers and write explicit content, I have to be careful about what I'm saying and who I'm saying it to.

I don't intend to block or purge my followers in the future.

As long as I appropriately tag and put warnings on my work, that is adequate protection for my blog. Everything I write containing explicit content is tagged.

However, I won't interact with users who don't have an age stated in their bio.

There have to be boundaries, given the content of my writing. But I've also come around to the realization that I'm not capable of policing every interaction. Tumblr is a public forum. Minors following me makes me uncomfortable. But by the same token, my work is clearly labeled at 18+ and so is my blog.

There's a lot of explicit content out there for minors if you really think about it. In my high school freshman English class we talked about the book "The Color Purple." Believe me, that was explicit and we were only 14. Any minor with a library card and a Google browser can access a lot more intense content than what I write. I hope they're all being safe, but I can't have a melt down blocking spree again.

I'm not a cop, I'm not a parent, and what minors consume is down to them and the adult responsible for them. If I know someone is a minor I'll block them, should I notice they're trying to interact with me. Otherwise, I'm not purging my followers ever again. It's too much drama. I'd rather leave Tumblr than do that twice. I'm tired and I'm starting to work on my post graduate classes, I work full time in a demanding job, I'm in the process of editing my novel, and trying to keep up with my personal life. Quite literally, I don't have time to block. Writing fanfic is supposed to be my fun time. Let's keep it that way.

Due to the fact that some people I blocked were later unblocked after I took a closer look at their blogs, I'm posting a full explanation below. A quick summary is this:

After only writing for three months, I'd amassed 500 followers. On Monday I blocked almost 200 of them. Then I reviewed my block list and editing down some people who were prematurely blocked. [I assume the anon is one of the unblocked who had me disappear from their dash. Sorry!] This blocking thing isn't sustainable. In the future I'll run my blog differently as far as interaction goes in an effort to be responsible.

Continue reading for the saga of:

The Great Blocking Spree and Existential Crisis of an Erotic Fanfic Writer.

The Blocking Spree:

On Monday I realized a thirteen year old was following me and interacting with my work. This creeped me out.

*Commence blocking spree*

Then I realized how daunting my followers list was. I had 500 followers prior to Monday. That day I blocked about 200 people (some of them prematurely - more on that later.) So after the daunting task of trying to assume, to check bios for ages, to review blog content and determine the user's age, I was tired. Today, I even took a moment to reconsider if I wanted to use Tumblr. Because if all this is my responsibility, maybe I don't have the time or dedication to manage it. When I can be chill, I try to be. This attitude also affected by blocking. It contributed to me unblocking people. When I was doing the blocking spree, I'd give people with no age in their bio a fair shot by reviewing their posts.

I blocked some bot accounts, then a bunch of blank blogs, some ambiguous people who very well could be of age. For the first 100 followers I was pretty aggressive. Then my attention span dropped off and I was a bit more ambivalent. I realized I was doing a crappy job of moderating and wondered what the point was.

The point was that the thirteen year old interacting with my work freaked me out. When I found two sixteen year old followers, it pushed me to continue the purge.

So on I go, blocking. I'm so responsible for doing this, right? But my methodology is crap. What is context for being an adult? Someone had posted about budgeting advice. I thought the budgeting advice was too good for it not to have come from an adult. But my father's a financial advisor and to be honest, I could have given that level of advice at fifteen just from osmosis. Someone had pictures of themselves entering their marijuana plants in the Oregon State Fair. Okay, you've got to be over 18. I didn't block them. Someone else complained about their stats professor and I didn't block them. But in retrospect, one of my high school friends got permission to take college level math courses when we were seniors. She was seventeen when she had a stats professor. The thought circles back - what am I accomplishing here? Next, I went back and unblocked someone who ranted about her Tinder matches being 60 year old men. I wondered if their post was even real. I've lied on the internet before. Nonetheless, I persisted and worked through all 500 followers. When I was done I had 312 followers left.

Post Blocking Spree Existential Crisis:

I know that all the blocking in the world can't stop a teenager who wants to read smut fanfic. I'm not much for posting on social media and I'm not used to a lot of anonymous interaction online. Honestly, I got rid of my SM accounts during college when I felt it was wasting my time. This is the first time I've really use a social media site to post content since college. My twitter account is unused, my Instagram is for close personal friends only, and my TikTok is for mindless consumption of cat videos. (I've trained the algorithm to feed me only cat videos, it's great and I highly recommend it.) I don't post on TikTok, so I don't consider it full use, just lurking.

Okay, Alice, get back to the point....

Right, being anonymous on social media. My blocks are a fence and it's based on self identification from the blogs that follow me. I have little faith in underage consumers to out themselves. I have even less faith in their honesty or respect for an adult's boundaries. They're at a stage in life where they want to push the boundaries. Telling them no is all but inviting them in. I did my blocking spree because I was worried about backlash from someone's parents. But what reasonable judge would come after a fanfic writer? Come on. Logical thoughts but me emotional distress was still brewing.

Why I am the one responsible for who clicks the follow button on my blog? I've always clearly identified what I write and tagged my work as smut.

That thought snapped me out of my whirlwind of anxious thoughts. So I started looking into the laws. My regular work involves medicine, not the legal profession, so I was lost. I found some state level laws that made me glad I'd gone on a blocking spree. California and Florida have specific language in their laws about 'providing minors with explicit content.' But what exactly is that? What I researched applied to the following activities: co-writing smut fanfic with other people, sexting, roleplaying and online messaging.

I run a fanfic blog with limited interaction. I've never done an ask. I don't roleplay on here and I don't want to.

The blocks weren't personal. They were partly based on the awareness that Tumblr is an interactive site and a place that's had a problem with child pornography in the past. But I'm not the smut police. I suck at blocking, and I doubt I did a good job of purging my followers list. This is when it hit me that boundaries are only what I can enforce. They've never been about how other people relate to me, only how I relate to them. (Wow. I've never sounded more like my mother in my life...) After this thought, I started considering what actions I ought to take if I wanted to keep posting fanfic on Tumblr.

My Post Blocking Spree Clarity...

It's up to me who I interact with. I don't have to reply to every comment and re-blog, but I'd like to. I'm stuck between wanting to write for everyone and handling interactions on a social media site that's mostly anonymous.

The fact remains: I can't be the smut police because I suck at it.

What I've decided is that I'll make it very clear on my blog that this is an 18+ space where I publish erotic fanfiction. Smut will always be appropriately marked. I'm not going to interact with reviews, re-blogs, and messages from accounts who don't have their age in their profile. I won't include them in my tag list either. The internet is a public forum. Just as with publishing erotica, once it's out there online for download, it's done. As a ghost writer and an author, I don't control who buys my original fiction, which is just as spicy as my fanfiction. (Trust me, it's explicit. I once had a romance editor tell me I should dial it back on the smutty parts of a novel because "it's a lot of sex for a non-erotica market.") The key difference on Tumblr is about interaction. And that's something I can control. I can decide when I reply to other users. What brought me around to this was the realization that even after the blocking spree, I can't review every single like I get. That's an amount of time and mental energy that's beyond me. Just the past two days have been exhausting and sapped my will to write. Which sucks because I need to go write the next chapter of "Restitution" before tomorrow.

I think the reasons I went on the blocking spree are nuanced. The thirteen year old freaked me out. So did the other underaged people who had ages in their bios. But it also relates to my work. In my job I've seen some nasty child abuse cases. Early on in my career, when I was a 23 year old new hire, I was working on an autopsy for a child abuse victim who'd been murdered by their parent. It was so terrible and graphic, I had to ask one of my older colleagues to take the case. This colleague didn't like me. But she took one look at my face and took the file. She closed out the review without a question and never brought it up again to anyone. I was very grateful. Where I used to work (and where this incident took place) was a major city that holds the unfortunate title of being the human trafficking capital of the US. And something I learned working there was that most human trafficking victims go with their captors willingly. In two years at that job, I never saw one who'd been kidnapped from a dark alley like you see on TV. They were all groomed on social media and thought they were escaping their families (who were often overbearing, toxic, or dysfunctional) for a get away with friends. It was a fun adventure with their internet buddies, until it wasn't.

In retrospect, the underage interaction I found on my blog made me react because of what I've been through. The autopsy case kept coming back to me today while I was at work and I've finally untangled my emotions enough to figure out what caused my melt down. When I was blocking, I was feeling an anxious motivation that I know can only stem from the stress I deal with at my job. Don't feel sorry for me about this - I know my work in medicine helps a lot of people and it's a tremendously satisfying career.

Our Saga's Resolution & How I'm Going to Deal With This In The Future...

- - - - -

In post block clarity, I offer this conclusion:

I'm writing on a public forum. My work is appropriately tagged as smut. In the future, I will also use the tag #no minors to help with filtering. I've always asked underage people not to interact. And on a public forum, what more can I reasonably do? Going forward I will only interact with those who have their age posted in their bio. But blocking sprees and policing every interaction isn't feasible.

I'll review how I'm going to run my tag lists as well. I need to think it over and let my followers know my decision as to if I'll continue using them. Because tagging is definitely interaction and my current tag list was not screened at all. *face palm*

Finally, to my readers who have blank blogs or don't have an age listed. I respect your right to privacy and I'm careful with my personal information as well. But I've also had an uncomfortable two days. If you've lasted through this venting session until now, you must understand that I'm upset by underage interaction. I'm setting my own boundaries and going forward, I'll own my side of the internet. No interaction from me, unless I know your age. Full stop - no exceptions. I think it is reasonable for me to suggest that you leave something on your blog that signifies you are not a minor, whatever that may be. Someone who I didn't block that stands out in my memory had a bio that said "90s baby." It was simple, direct, and left no doubt they were over 18. No age reveal and not even a name. If you put something like this on your blog it'll help explicit content creators feel more comfortable about their interactions.

I went on a spree this Monday and I admit to being heavy handed and aggressive about pruning followers. I had an emotional reaction due to work stress and I didn't think things through logically. I'm relieved for the chance explain myself and set new boundaries that I'm capable of sticking to in the future. But remember - the block button is on my side of the screen. At the end of the day, you might be unhappy with me for the block, but it's my button, it's my blog, and I'll use it as I see fit.

Thank you for reading.

#tw vent #tw child abuse #tw trauma #tw violence #tw human trafficking #penguin blog update #new rules #i'm sorry #its been a long week #I almost left tumblr over this #blocking spree #clarity #smut #no minors #smut fanfiction #smut writing #smut blog #I talk about my work trauma from medicine #boundaries

[woah-were-halfway-there]

Are you able to write a little something about dad Auston again?? It can be short. A day with him and just baby Mia and she’s like 3 weeks old, I know a throwback! He’s just all by himself at home with her cause y/n has so many errands Auston is off that day. He’s just their at home with her and it’s like fluff🥺 maybe he’s a bit nervous at first. When she sleeps that day she always on his chest. Their evening walk she’s strap on him. He really hiding his and Mia disguise well. Please if u can❤️

A/N: wow I really am incapable of writing something small, huh? Anyways, here you are my dear!

Word Count: 4.3k

"Ok, um, there's bottles ready in the fridge for when she gets hungry, you just have to warm them up. Oh, and her blanket is over on the couch, I think. Or is it in the nursery?"

Auston stood leaning against the doorway between the kitchen and living room, holding Mia as she slept, with an amused smirk on his lips as he watched you anxiously pace around the condo. It was your first time leaving Mia since she had been born. She was a little over three weeks old, and there was still a lot of adjusting that you and Auston were getting used to as new parents. 

With Auston's career, he was required to not be at home quite often because of away games. There were a few consecutive days that the two of you were able to stay at home together, just after Mia was born, but soon enough, he did have to leave. It wasn't easy, but it was something you both had to accept. 

You were nervous about your first time home alone with Mia, but with the help of Auston's family and Steph, you quickly adapted to it. But now it was Auston's turn, and it was all his fault too. 

He insisted that you needed a day to yourself. Although he knew you had no issue being with Mia as much as you were, he wanted you to have some time to just do whatever and not have to worry about anything else. So, as a giveback for all that you've done when it came to your daughter when he couldn't be there, he decided to book you a nail appointment that was entirely on him. It was something so simple yet meaningful because he knew how much you loved getting your nails done, but you just hadn't had the time to since Mia was born. It worked too because he made the appointment for a day that he would be in Toronto on a home game stretch, so there was no reason for you to oppose the idea. 

But then it turned into so much more.

Steph heard about Auston's plan for your day out and wanted in on it. So, she made plans for the two of you to go shopping and made reservations for a late lunch together. Again, you weren't opposed to a day out with one of your best friends either, immediately thinking of how much Steph seemingly loved spending time with you and your daughter over the past few weeks, but then you remembered one thing; Mia wouldn't be there. And that made you a little uneasy. 

Although you knew your fiancé was fully capable of taking care of your daughter, he had yet to do it on his own. He was looking forward to seeing what it'd be like. You, however, were an anxious mess. 

You did really well in hiding how stressed the whole ordeal was making you, but Auston knew. He was going to mention it, but he figured you knew that leaving Mia at home with him was bound to happen at some point, and yet, you still worried. 

"Am I forgetting something? Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?" You asked as you came to a sudden halt and ran a hand through your hair. 

"Babe," Auston spoke up, hoping to get your attention and tell you there's no reason to stress, but should've known better. 

"I don't think I am," you continued and moved to walk through the condo once again. 

"Baby."

"You know, I could just cancel the appointment and go out with Steph another day, yeah that's fine."

"Y/N!" He finally said, loud enough to make you jump at his sudden outburst and look to him with wide eyes. Mia shifted in his arms, letting out a small noise as she briefly opened her eyes before closing them again and falling back asleep. The two of you watched her like hawks, hoping she wouldn't start fussing, and once you both realized she wasn't going to, you looked at each other again. "You need to stop stressing yourself out. You're only going out for a few hours. I can handle this."

"But Auston," you sighed. "What if she needs me, or something happens or-."

"Do you not trust me with our daughter?" He challenged, not seriously, but knowing that'd bring you back to your senses a little bit.

"Of course I do, you know that. I'm just… worried. Extremely worried."

"You have no reason to be," he replied softly and glanced down at Mia as she snuggled closer to him, a small smile dancing on his lips as she did so. "I must say, we have a pretty chill kid, you know? Doesn't stress much, just likes to eat and sleep."

"Clearly, she gets that from you."

"Funny."

You then sent him a knowing look and chuckling, before looking towards Mia and taking in how content she seemed in her dad's arms. "Do you promise to call me if anything happens?"

"Yes, you know I will," he reasoned with you. "Can even send you the updates if you really want."

"Please! Or else I may lose my mind," you told him as he stepped closer and wrapped an arm around your waist. 

"You got it," he said before leaning down to peck your lips while being mindful of the sleeping infant in his other arm. "Now, you need to go. Your appointment is in 20 minutes."

"Ok, fine," you huffed and moved from his hold to go put on your coat and boots. Once you were done, you looked back to your fiancé and daughter and couldn't help but pout a little bit, but then Auston raised his eyebrows at you as if to ask what you were still doing there. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm overreacting."

"You? Overreact? Never," he teased, while you rolled your eyes.

"Whatever, ok, I'm going," you responded and walked to the door. "I don't think I missed anything. Say bye to Frank for me. I also can't remember where I put Mia's blanket for the life of me."

"It's in our room," Auston told you with a laugh. "I washed it last night, now stop worrying and go have fun."

"Ok, I love you."

"Love you too."

~*~

 "Would you stop looking at your phone," Steph tsked and glared at you. She was sitting across from you as you both waited for your food to arrive after a long day of shopping and some much-needed girl time. It was because of her you hadn't called Auston every half an hour to check-in, even though you felt very inclined to do so. "I'm sure Mia is fine, Y/N."

"Oh, I'm sure she is too, but it's her father that is stressing me out," you replied and turned your phone around and started tapping so that she could see what was on the screen as well. Wondering what could possibly be going on, Steph gave you a look before glancing at the device and watching, soon having to stifle her laughter before it got too loud.

You had Instagram open, and one of the first things you noticed was that Auston posted on his story. Naturally, you were curious and wasted no time tapping on his little profile picture to see what it was. 

The first picture was of Mia asleep on your fiancè's chest as he very clearly was lying on the couch. Frank was in it too, curled up by Auston's feet and the words' dad duty' were typed out in small blue font near the top left corner, making you melt a little bit at just how sweet it was. With the way Mia's face couldn't really be seen, you could tell she was snuggling up against her dad like she always did, and Auston being, well, Auston, had gone out of his way to not show her too much either. He was very private and protective in general, but once your daughter was born, it got escalated. He was even more careful about the things he posted, especially when they came to her. 

In fact, it wasn't until the next parts of his story that you realized this was the first Mia related thing he's shared on social media other than a picture he posted of him holding her in the hospital just hours after she was born. 

The next slide was a video of Mia stirring awake and stretching all while Auston's left hand was placed on her back protectively before cutting just as she was about to look towards the camera. It was ridiculously cute, but then you noticed how the following video had the green bar at the top of the screen, indicating it was shared for his 'close friends.' It was not as wholesome as what was posted before.     

Instead of another cute snap of Auston and Mia having some sweet dad and daughter time, the video was of Auston standing in front of the full-length mirror that was hung on the wall near the condo's front door while holding your daughter. Mia was still leaning against his chest, but this time wide awake with her mouth open, curious about what was going on as she looked up at her dad while he chuckled and zoomed in on the reflection until a filter made both of their faces look all wonky. 

That went on for three more slides, and you couldn't help but feel bad for Mia as she had to put up with Auston's antics. 

"Please, at least he looks like he's having fun," Steph insisted as the story disappeared, and you brought your phone close again. "Mia seems pretty content too."

"He's turning my daughter into a meme, Steph."

"Like you're any better! Weren't you the one that was curious about how well trying to get Mia to ride on Frank's back when she's older would go over?"

"It was a joke!" You exclaimed and looked at her with wide eyes. "Now, please don't repeat that. Auston doesn't need any more ideas."

Steph just laughed again.

"You can't tell me you haven't thought about putting a Snapchat or Instagram filter on her."

"Whatever," you grumbled before looking away and smiling at the waitress as she set your food down. "Leave it to you to call me out on stuff like that even when I'm not the one doing it."

"Oh, you know I'm teasing," she replied with a smile and shook her head. 

"I know, I'm just giving you a hard time."

"Yeah, yeah, that, and you just really miss them, don't you?" Steph asked, watching as you nodded.

"I do," you told her honestly. "I haven't been away from Mia at all since she was born, right, and I don't know. I feel like I've become as reliant on her as she has on me and it's not that I'm worried something bad is going to happen when she's with Auston, he is so, so great with her, I'm just worried she's going to need me and I won't be there. I'd feel like a terrible mother. But I guess me leaving her alone with her dad was bound to happen at some point, right?"

"Yes, it was, but Y/N quit being so hard on yourself," your best friend said firmly. "You are an amazing mother, and no one thinks otherwise. You're also still very new to this whole parenting thing, so is Auston, but even with how hard I can imagine it must be with him not being there all the time, I still think the two of you are doing a damn good job. Mia is lucky to have such great parents, oh, and Frank too. Can't forget about your firstborn."

"Never," you laughed, before smiling at her thankfully. "Man, you really know how to not let me get stuck in my thoughts and sass me when I need it."

"You do the same for me, hun," Steph smiled back. "It's what friends are for."

"Very true, but do know that I appreciate it. Auston and I wouldn't be able to do as well as we are if we didn't have our friends like you and Mitch, or our families keeping us sane. So, thank you." 

"Stop, I haven't been on the brink of tears like this since I first met Mia," she whined, but you knew she meant it lovingly. "Now I'm feeling all mushy."

"You and me both," you told her then glanced down at your food. "Steph, would you be mad if I headed home after this? I really do miss my family, and I know it hasn't been that long but-."

"You don't need to justify yourself, babe, of course, I'm not going to be mad."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she stated. "Mitch is going to bring Zeus down here when he comes to pick me up, and we're going to take him for a walk, it's been a while since he's roamed downtown streets. Would you mind if we stopped by to visit Mia for a little bit before going home too?"

"I wouldn't mind at all."

~*~

Back at the condo, Auston was having an interesting time. 

He would've been lying if he said he wasn't a little bit nervous about being left alone with his daughter for the first time, and the moment you walked out the door, that feeling escalated. But, he refused to let you know that he was stressed because he didn't want to ruin your day. So, he sucked it up and mentally prepared himself for what was to come. 

The first hour or so was easy enough. Mia was fast asleep lying on Auston's chest as he was stretched across the couch, thinking of how he had everything under control and nothing to worry about. He even, after a lot of consideration, decided to post a picture of his sleeping baby on Instagram, followed by another video just as she was waking up. 

But what wasn't shown in that video, was the panic he felt. 

It wasn't the first time he had dealt with a fussy Mia just after she woke up, and surely wouldn't be the last, but he couldn't keep himself from thinking of how sometimes she would simply just want her mom. 

At just a month old, you were convinced Mia was a true daddy's girl with how cuddly and content she became whenever Auston held her, but there were still times that even he wasn't enough for her to relax after getting worked up. It was clear that Mia found comfort in both of her parents, but there was the odd time she would need you to cuddle or hum her back to sleep regardless of how hard Auston tried. He was afraid then was going to be one of those times. 

Although Mia loved being around Auston, which he knew, he couldn't get over how easily you were able to soothe her. It was like you had a magic touch or something, and he didn't know how well Mia would take to you not being there once she woke up. 

However, it ended up not being as bad as he was expecting.  

Once Mia woke up, she was rather fussy, and Auston could feel himself gradually getting more anxious because of it. She didn't want her bottle, didn't need a diaper change; nothing seemed to be going right. In a spur of the moment, with not being sure what else to do, he lifted her up from where she was laying and held her close. He supported her head as she leaned against his shoulder and started swaying them back and forth, whispering soothing words of how much he loved her and how everything was going to be ok. 

She eventually stopped wailing but was still crying, and Auston felt terrible. Even Frank stayed nearby, keeping close tabs on what was going on, but still, nothing worked. Auston was on the verge of calling you, or even his mother, by that point, even though he didn't want to, but then he remembered something. Music. 

He remembered you telling him on multiple Facetime calls while he was away playing hockey how if Mia woke up unhappy and just wouldn't stop crying, you would sing to her or just put on music, and she would eventually calm down. Auston had seen it for himself a few times, too and cursed himself for not thinking of it earlier. 

Without a second thought, he grabbed a remote off the coffee table and turned on the stereo. Edwin McCain's I'll Be started softly playing from the speakers, and Mia almost instantly reacted. Her cries turned into sniffles and eventually faded into complete silence as Auston rubbed soft circles on her back and hummed along to the tune. She became so quiet that by the end of the song, Auston was positive she had fallen back asleep, but when he looked down at her, she looked up to him with wide eyes and let out a happy squeal. 

It took a lot in Auston to not melt right then and there over how much he loved his daughter. He was so glad she was content with him and decided to keep the music on as he continued swaying and singing while Champagne Supernova by Oasis began playing next. It was a dramatic performance, that's for sure, but Mia seemingly loved it for she didn't get upset again and just stared up at her dad in awe for the entire seven and a half minutes of the song. 

After that, Auston kept the stereo on as he continued holding Mia and moved into the kitchen so he could grab something to eat. Once he was done, he went back to the living room and set Mia on her blanket next to Frank while trying to figure out what to do next. He was about to put on Netflix when his phone sounded with a new notification from Snapchat. It ended up being a video from his sister Breyana zooming in on his older sister Alex as she sat across the room. Once Alex looked directly at the camera, a filter that made her eyes and mouth become huge became visible, and then the video ended with a high pitched version of Bre's laugh sounding from behind the phone. 

Shaking his head and chuckling at the two, Auston then opened the camera part of his Snapchat to send back a video of himself with the same filter. Once he started recording, he was about to say something but then decided against it as he swapped the camera to show Mia laying on her blanket, but now with the filter on her face as Auston continued zooming in. Without even watching the video, he saved it and sent it back to Bre before sitting on the floor next to Mia and showing her one of her stuffed animals. 

A few minutes later, he got a text.

Bre

Please tell me you kept that video, I can't stop laughing.

Surely it wasn't that funny, Auston thought, but when he unlocked his phone again and actually watched the video, he too couldn't stop laughing and decided to take more videos and pictures just like it. He was quick to discover which filters he liked best and some of the clips were just too good that he couldn't not share it with anyone else, so he posted them to his close friends Instagram story for others to enjoy as well. 

Auston was well aware that you would see the things he posted too, and couldn't help but laugh as he imagined what you'd say about them once you were home.

Mia eventually grew hungry, so Auston gave her some of her bottle before they mindlessly wandered back to the living room and attempted to kill time.

After another hour of him just laying on the ground next to his daughter, making random noises and expressions went by, Auston eventually grew bored and decided that he, Mia and Frank deserved some fresh air and wanted to go for a walk. He still hadn't heard from you, so he assumed that Steph somehow managed to get you to keep your cool while you were out and figured you'd still be gone for a little while longer. He didn't bother texting you to let you know they were going out, just got himself and Mia all bundled up to face Toronto's cold, February air and went on his way. 

The nice thing about winter in Toronto was that a lot of clothing was needed. If you weren't bundled up, you'd feel like you were freezing, and it always gave Auston an excuse to look unrecognizable as he roamed the streets. It was great.

This time was no exception, either. Auston put on his winter coat, boots, hat, and a scarf covering most of his face before looking down at Mia, who was almost unrecognizable. She was snuggled in her stroller, wearing a very warm and fuzzy onesie, and covered with multiple blankets because Auston would never forgive himself if she got cold. 

It was obvious she was content, though, because, after only about five minutes of being outside, she was starting to fall asleep again. 

The sun was beginning to set as a soft coat of snow fell from the sky. Although it was cold, it was nice, and Auston was glad he decided to leave the condo rather than staying cooped up in it for the entire day. Frank seemed thankful too as he tried to bite at the falling snowflakes as the three of them walked down the street. 

They soon came to one of the nearby off-leash dog parks, and Auston decided to let Frank roam around in the fenced area for a little bit. Once he let the Goldendoodle off his leash, Auston looked down to see Mia wide awake again and looking up at him. She wasn't fussing again, which Auston was thankful for, but she was moving lots and making noises, so he took that as her wanting to be held.

By the way, she cuddled up against him, it was apparent that's exactly what she wanted, and he couldn't help but smile because of it. He held her close as he glanced around to locate Frank, who was on the other side of the park playing with a chocolate lab, before reaching down to grab Mia's blanket so that he could bundle her up again. 

The next time Auston looked for Frank, he noticed a woman crouched down petting the pup. Her back was to him as she rubbed the back of Frank's ears and the chocolate lab from moments prior, walked around nearby; making sure to rub against the woman for some attention as well. He stepped closer to them, ready to call Frank back over so he wouldn't be a nuisance, but then the lab bolted towards him excitedly. 

"Woah, hey buddy," Auston said as he leaned down to pet the dog, being mindful of Mia in the process and then noticing the dog's name tag. "Zeus?"

By the way, the dog responded to his name, Auston immediately assumed this was the Zeus he thought it was and started looking around from Mitch. But then, someone spoke up from behind him.

"You know, if it wasn't for Mia's blanket, I don't think I would have recognized you," the voice said, making Auston turn around only to become face to face with you. "Well, Frank was a dead giveaway too, but you're really feeling the whole incognito thing today, huh?"

"Hey," was all he said as a smile grew across his lips. "What are you doing here? How was your day?"

"It was good," you told him. "Mitch picked Steph and me up with Zeus and were all going to come back to the condo, but decided to stop here first to let Zeusy run around a bit. I can honestly say I wasn't expecting Frank to run up to me out of nowhere."

"I'm not even surprised that he did to be honest.."

At that, you smiled.

"Me neither," you chuckled, as Auston wrapped his free arm around your waist and pulled you into his embrace. You accepted the gesture and melted into his touch a little bit before looking down at Mia. "How was today?"

"A lot smoother than I was expecting," he replied honestly. "Got a little worried at one point, but we managed."

"Good. I'm sad I wasn't needed, but I am also really glad things were ok."

"You're always needed and wanted, babe, you have no reason to think otherwise."

"I know," you responded and leaned against his shoulder as you looked down at your daughter asleep in her father's arms. "We're doing alright at this whole parenting thing, aren't we?"

"I'd say so," he said before pecking the top of your head. "It's a challenge, that's for sure, but I'm glad to be experiencing it with you."

If you weren't already feeling mushy from your talk with Steph earlier, you definitely were then. You really did love doing life with Auston and were about to remind him of that, but then a voice spoke up from nearby. 

"Is that my favourite Matthews?" Mitch asked as he and Step approached, Steph rolling her eyes at the comment. "Lemme see her."

"She's sleeping right now, but once we get back at the condo, she's all yours," you told him, knowing how much both he and Steph adored your daughter. 

"If you're careful," Steph stressed. "We don't need you almost dropping her again."

"That was one time!" Mitch argued, making you all laugh. 

"You're lucky you redeemed yourself," Auston teased before looking back at you. "What do you say we get Frank and Zeus and head back?"

"Sounds good to me," you replied, feeling all warm on the inside as you went on to spend the rest of the night with your little family and best friends.

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