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stuckybarton · 3 years

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Sucker For Pain i

SUMMARY: You were new to the team, but what everyone didn't know was you weren't so new to the God of Mischief. CHARACTERS: Loki Laufeyson x Ex!Reader [Ex to Lovers again?] WARNINGS: Profanities. Suggestive Themes. Slight Angst and horrible self-image. Grammar Mistakes. English not being my first language. [Not Beta’d tho] WORDS: 2,956 CHAPTERS: [1/3] A/N; Life happened and yeah, didn’t have much time to write. Not my best work for this mini-series, but I’m fighting through for this. Hope you guys enjoy~

PART TWO | PART THREE

MASTERLIST || Join the Taglist

"Agent Y/N Y/L/N." You introduced yourself the first moment you were escorted into the compound by Director Nick Fury. Multiple sets of faces both new and old had come to greet you. For a moment you wouldn't even believe that this is was the new life you would find yourself to be a part of from now on.

Years in the job for SHIELD before disappearing off the grid to get as much information about HYDRA, everyone had thought you had betrayed them and you had accepted that they would think so lowly of you after all the near-deaths you had to endure on the job. Even with the mission becoming more of a death wish, you had accepted the role Nick had given you all those years ago and now you were rewarded, immensely. A spot on the Avengers as part of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

The familiar face of Nat was the first to greet you with a hug. A fiercely tight one, it had been so long since you've seen a friend. Then your eyes fell towards the rest of the team; Bucky Barnes, who you had a few close encounters with during your time with HYDRA. You had witness everything they had done to him and stood on trail to clean his name. Steve Rogers, who, with Sharon Carter, had assisted in guarding Steve while SHIELD was still under HYDRA's control. But among the familiar faces, one stood out the most.

Loki Laufeyson.

To many, the man was a snake, a God that had once brought death and destruction in New York. But to you, he was different, this was the man that you had spent your lonely nights with while under the guise of a traitor. It had once just been a physically thing between the two of you, neither wanting to know about each other's lives. You knew he was a God, a man that had wronged the world, but he had never known about you, the woman that had painted yourself as a traitor for the better of the world. The one that had been called every name on the book for the sake of making sure you did your part right.

Then it got serious between the two of you. Admission of love was told between both of your lips. But it was dangerous for you two to be together especially when you were already told by Fury that you can come back to the surface. You didn't know what side he was on, and you did not have the heart to make him choose if the time would come.

So you two parted. A month ago. The pain still throbbing you like an unattended bullet hole right through your heart. It was still so painful to look at him and not remember him crumbling on his knees begging you to stay. The first sob that escaped his lips and forever haunted your dreams. A never-ending loop in the back of your head as your demons screamed at you for breaking an already broken man.

"I for one am happy you're finally here. Another woman to add to an already Man's Man world in the compound." Nat teased glancing towards the other individuals that had come to know the new face. "With introductions out of the way, you've got a lot of explaining to do for the past few years."

You could only smile at your friend. You did have so much to explain to her, things had been murky between you and Clint, but after everything, Nat had refused to believe you would betray them, betray her, and it was finally a relief to be able to return back home, seeing the people that mean the most to you.

"Tell me about it." You muttered allowing Nat to quickly pull your away from the crowd, but it missed your eyes how he was still looking. Ice blue eyes a contract to the burning gaze he had towards you.

Forget about him. Forget about him. You were here for a new opportunity. No him. Never him.

For the next few weeks, everyone had grown to accept you in your new role as part of the Avengers. You kept up with Steve, Bucky, and Sam during their runs. Sam more than happy to finally have someone that had the same pace as him, but only for you to laugh and out run him just to get a reaction out of the high flier. Tony and Bruce had also found a kinship in you, having provided them enough information about HYDRA's experiments and location made most of their missions easier. Then there was Nat and Clint, your confidant in this new life. Every single moment that was not dedicated to a mission was spent with them; may it be movie night or a simple get together outside the compound, often times bringing Wanda and Vision along just to mess with you and call you a 5th wheel of the group.

But among number of members on the team, everyone had noticed you constantly avoided one Thor Odinson and one Loki Laufeyson. The only real time you would even dare talk to either of the brothers would be during training--other than that, you tried your best to avoid them, Loki most especially. Every single moment that would force the two of you to be in the same room, Loki had a glare while you tried your best to avoid his gaze.

Everyone noticed, everyone didn't seem to worry too much. It comes with having a former-villain part of the team. They thought you would eventually get used to the God's presence just as much as they did.

"You ever gonna tell me what's going on between you and Loki?" Nat inquired avoiding your punch.

What you hated the most about sparring with Nat was her capability of multitasking. Talking and snooping about someone else's business while also kicking their ass in the process--this was the predicament you were in right in this very moment.

"Nothing is going on." You muttered landing back first on the mat after being thrown like a rag doll by Nat. Eyes looking at the ceiling, you wondered if it was a good idea to actually come clean to her about her past with the God of Mischief. "I know what he's done to New York and I think you can't blame me for taking precaution when it comes to him."

Nat now comes hovering on top of you, the narrowed eyes and gentle smirk was all you needed to know--she knew it was bullshit. But when she had stopped pushing you for more information, it was enough for you to just change the subject.

"They found Dominic?" You inquired. One of the first big missions that everyone was focusing on was one of the leading Scientist for HYDRA. With the exposure of HYDRA to the world, some of them had moved away and found themselves in much shadier company, much to everyone's radar now spiking.

Dominic Wagner was, in part, partially responsible for the Winter Soldier program in the modern era. One of the pioneers in moving the project into a much younger sets of test subjects. You lost contact with the man as soon as your got back into the surface, but it had also meant a target was on your back when they found out you were a double agent.

"He's in Russia. Wasting away all the funding for the program with parties" Nat points out. "Still a better way to spend the money that abducting kids everywhere."

You nodded, memories of files upon files for the prospects still haunted you to this day.

"When are you taking him out?" You inquired. In your time with the SHIELD, the red in both of your ledger had made you two a hot commodity if the situation present itself as shoot to kill. Neither of you would hesitate. You knew you would now, after everything, but if it means one less bad people in this earth, you would swallow your new morals.

"Fury wants him alive." She pointed out finally standing back up to her own two feet, leaving you on your back, staring at the ceiling in deep thought. "I know as much as you do, we want him dead for everything he has done, but we need him alive so we can get the others."

You nodded, this was one of the few things you had to get used to as part of the team. Death was best solution in SHIELD--at least in your team, not here. As long as you were part of Steve's team, you would need to choose whether or not killing would be the best option. Hope that you weren't so blessed to be given in your time under.

"I get a first shot when we don''t have any use of him anymore." You muttered finally standing back up with Nat's help. Steps faltering at the sight of the God of Mischief, training with the likes of Peter Parker, Sam Wilson, and Bucky Barnes. A weird mix up, but wasn't hard to understand why.

"Why don't you shoot your shots with him for now." Nat teased, finally making you break from staring at the plain black shirt and green sweatshort-clad Loki Laufeyson. "If we try to ignore the death count during his attack, he is sort-of your type in men." Nat wiggled her brows. quick to avoid you as you attempted to swat her in the ass, eyes now turned away from God and his training partners.

"By type, you mean psychotic with possible Daddy-issue? Then you might just be right." You snort.

"I'm offended you think of me as such, Darling"

Jerking your head to the owner of the voice, how the hell did he sneak up behind you without you noticing. You glanced at Nat in panic and like the traitor that she was, made a terrible excuse of being needed in Bruce's lab. Now being left in the man's presence, you could all but remember the last time you had been this close to the man.

Heartbreaks.

Words that you didn't mean.

Words that he didn't mean.

It still hurt you, and you were sure it hurts him just as much, if not more now, finally realizing why there had been a need for a breakup between the two of them all those weeks ago.

"Here I thought I would have someone to trust. You mortals continue to disappoint me." He hissed.

Your eyes glanced at the other training trio, noticing all three of them were in their own little world to even noticed what was going on between the two of them.

"Tell me, Darling..." He whispered, head leaning towards the shell of your ears. The familiar shiver run through your skin as just his voice. Memories of the very things his silver tongue had whispered had you flustered and breathless, more than from your earlier training with Nat. "Was it satisfying to play with a God?"

Before you could even mutter a word, his constantly gentle hand now covered your jaw, emitting a squeak from your lips and stopping you from saying a word. He was never this forceful, nor did he do anything that would hurt you. Was this the true nature of the man you had finally thought you have been the best part of you. To have loved a man that everyone was right to stay away from?

"Or is it shame finally coming to you, to be ever involved with someone like me?"

You tried to pry his hand away from you, but he was too strong--stronger than you could ever think of being.

"Or is this you taking your opportunity to move from one bed to another? Who will it be this time, Y/N? My oaf of a brother or will it be Soldier out of time? Who will you whore this time?"

And you finally snapped. With a resounding slap, all three individuals had heard your attack on the man and Loki finally releasing his hold on your jaws. A chuckle escaped his lips and only brought the first line of tears to fall from your eyes. You never wanted to believe him to be a monster, but here he was, proving her wrong.

"I am in doubt of the foundation of our relationship for the past years, Y/N. I am the God of Mischief and Lies and the only mortal I had ever truly opened to had done this to me. Lied to me for such a long time, lied about the entirety of our relationship."

"You will never understand."

"Oh no," he chuckled darkly, eyes glaring straight into your own. "I understand well enough to know, you would never love someone like me and I deserve every lie and heartache I am enduring because of everything I have ever done in my past."

Before you could defend yourself and the genuinity of your relationship with the God, he had made his excuse. Leaving you to ponder of the true damage of your breakup with Loki, and the aftermath it had now held for the both of you. He was right, you had lied, and either way, their relationship will fall apart because of those lies.

He was the God of Mischief and Lies.

Yet, he did not expect for this biggest lie to break him the most. The separation had been painful, he had always hoped for a better life with you. Then a month passed since your breakup, he sees you, it hits him like a sharp knife to the chest all over again. He experience the pain of a stab to the chest, but it would never compare to the pain of seeing you in this very compound with the truth of your life that you refused to ever open to him.

This was karma coming to haunt him it seems.

It had been well over a week now since the first time he had actually confronted you about everything. It wasn't how he planned for things to go through. He never wanted to hurt you, but he was a monster after all. A monster that his own father had told his people to avoid. A bedtime story to scare mischievous kids into submission.

He had always thought after everything he had to endure, had to do, had to escape, he could finally live a peaceful life. A life to finally start anew. A life where he could finally change for the best. A mortal woman had made him make those ideas come into reality, you had always became the reason why he would never have his redemption in life.

A bitter idea with no possible resolution.

How could he have ever believed that anyone would ever love someone like him? After everything he had ever done, he was never allowed to be loved. You had proved that somehow.

'Mr. Laufeyson, you are needed for a meeting with the team'

Breaking from his little bubble. He sighed finally returning back to reality, into the little comforts the library could give him. The week had been gruelling for him, three individual witnessed the altercation between himself and you. It had spread like wildfire, but thanking the Gods that no one was able to listen to the conversation.

He had to endure most of the questioning. In everyone's eyes, he was, after all, still under everyone's constant scrutiny. A man that no one could trust. But he refused to say a single word knowing you did the same thing. It was better to keep your mouth shut instead of letting people know exactly what had happened. Somehow that brought a smile on his face. He might not share a future with you, but might as well make the most out of making your life a living hell, as much you did it to him.

Shutting the book he was barely even reading, he placed the book back into the shelf before walking his way towards the meeting room.

He could easily teleport, but he preferred to enjoy his moments of peace without his oaf of a brother breathing down his neck or Stark constantly testing his patience with his quips. It also gave him a moment to school his features, he knew well enough about the mission to know you would also be in attendance. Be more invested in this mission than anyone else.

It was a few things he was relearning about you now that you were out in the open as everyone claims you to be. You were a free spirited being that could meld with anyone you were in the area with. He had watched you throw relentless jabs at Tony during your first few days that had the man surprisingly raise a white flag. But the most dangerous thing he had to learn was the familial relationship you had with one Natasha Romanoff and Clint Burton, two people that he kept his distance with the most.

"Professor Snape has finally graced us with his presence."

Loki has learned since joining the team to choose his battle when it comes to Tony. This was one of those moment. Finding a vacant chair besides his brother, he had taken his seat. A big mistake on his part as he finds from across the table, you sat. In between a glaring Romanoff and Barton.

Wearing a smirk, just to get on the two super spies' nerve, he turned his attention right back into the meeting. He begins formulating a few little schemes to not only get on the two's nerved, but most especially yours.

#loki laufeyson oneshot #loki laufeyson one shot #loki laufeyson imagine #loki laufeyson imagines #loki laufeyson x reader #loki laufeyson x you #loki laufeyson x y/n #loki one shot #loki oneshot #loki imagines #loki imagine #loki x reader #loki x you #loki angst #loki fluff #sucker for pain

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theredconversegirl · 3 years

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Hi queen!! Where do you get all these fic recs , I am very new to the fandom. What are some good starter FICS 🍱🍱🍱

Hi nonny 😍

Thank you for stopping by! 💕 Welcome to the SS fandom! 🍅🌸🤗

I was expecting to receive this question here at some point. 😂 Well, I usually go through my FF.net’s favorites list + ao3 bookmarks first. I also have two or three notes on my phone with links and recs that I found or that were recommended to me but I still need to read. When I can’t find anything there or there aren’t many fics, I research/google it (using keywords and/or logical terms sometimes to improve the results).

However, before doing this (recommending fics and lists here), I used to read SasuSaku fics all the time - seriously I was reading before work, during lunch, as I commuted to and from work, at home, before falling asleep, etc. - and when I liked one fic I had this process: check all fics by this author > then check this author’s favorites list > read fics that caught my attention and repeat. 😅

Well, SasuSaku has so much content and there’s so much diversity that it’s difficult to point one place to start. It really depends of what Era (genin, shippuden, blank period) you enjoy most and if you prefer canon-compliant stories or AUs.

I’ll recommend the path I took when I started reading SasuSaku - I’m not saying it’s the only way or anything, because I believe every reader has their own way to enjoy fics here - and I hope that helps you get started.

In no particular order, here you go:

TRCG’s SS Starter Pack 🍅🌸

The Legacy of Fire series By: KuriQuinn

Konoha is like a large family unit and every Konoha shinobi loves, believes, cherishes and fights to protect the village, as previous generations did before them and as future generations will continue to do. A series of stories and adventures about the Konoha Eleven and their loved ones, from past to present, that went unseen. Canon-compliant (as much as it is possible to be). [Rating varies]

There are 30 works in this series. I recommended the ao3 link (you can also find all these fics on FF.net) because the interface is more organized; it’s easier to understand and follow the series’ order. This is a massive read but so worth! The writing is amazing and you feel transported to the story as you read every scene. KuriQuinn’s works are widely known and recommended among readers. I hope you enjoy this series and other works by this author as well. 🙂

I also highly recommend: Penthesilea and Unplanned.

🍅🌸🍅🌸🍅🌸

Heartbeat By: letmeannoyyoutoday

From the beginning of their relationship, Sakura never failed to thank Sasuke for every little gesture that he made. It took a while for him to realize that the reason she did it was because, the moment she accepted to be his wife and give him all that she had left to give, she honestly never expected to receive anything in return. Canon-divergent. [Rated M, incomplete with a good ending though]

letmeannoyyoutoday is one of my favorite authors. I love all the stories they posted, and I wished they were still around. I think Heartbeat is a great fic to start and I highly recommend you to check the other stories here. The writing really makes you feel what’s happening, you know? All that angst and suppressed feelings from the pre-canon era.🤧 These are my favorites from this author beside Heartbeat: Don't You Wanna Stay, Incomplete , Miss Independent.

🍅🌸🍅🌸🍅🌸

ohwhatsherface aka @sun-summoning

Ok, I think it’s impossible to recommend only a couple fics from this author. On FF.net, you’ll find 93 SasuSaku fics in her profile. You can find the filtered list here. On Tumblr, you can find more fics in this Masterlist, but the most recent ones are not there (you’d need to go scroll through the blog’s posts for more).

If you’re looking for slice-of-life, fluff, with a writing that is addicting and flows as smooth as the wind, you need to check any fic by this author. really, do it!

My absolute favorites from sun-summoning are: Ever After, officer uchiha au [prequel, part i, part ii, part iii, part iv, part v, part vi] , tinder fic, the shiro fic, and all the time travel fics/prompts.

🍅🌸🍅🌸🍅🌸

the blanket / @blanket-fictions

This author wrote 62 fics here and a few more on tumblr. There are many funny/crack stories in that list and I have a lot of fun re-reading those. The way they write humor, with this nice flow that makes you want to read more and more, is amazing. If you enjoy this genre, I recommend digging through their fics. They also write good angsty/drama stories. My favorites are: he said, persuasion, say anything, kill something beautiful.

🍅🌸🍅🌸🍅🌸

DeepPoeticGirl aka @xxlovendreamsxx

You’ll find a little bit of everything in this author’s work. All eras, a few AUs, a lot of smut and tension, plus the feels, of course!

I recommend all DeepPoeticGirl’s work. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the many one-shots/prompts and multi-chaptered fics. I love the way she writes those tension/emotional scenes, showing how the characters feel - it’s like I can feel it too. The writing is so lovely... it’s hard to choose what my favorites are because I love everything lol. So I’ll recommend a few options.

If you like short one-shots and read different stories, then start here: I'd Be Yours, If You'd Be Mine (drabbles collection). If you like blank period and want to read a multi-chap fic about their journey together, read: home is where the heart is. If you want to read some smut one-shots, read: We Did It

A few of my favorites: Perfect Porcelain, of love and lust, and shattered control, yours, forevermore, we're gasoline on fire.

🍅🌸🍅🌸🍅🌸

soulaire / @soulairee

Ok, more than a couple of Shannon’s stories made me cry in the past haha. She writes beautiful scenes that make us feel everything. Check her profile, you’ll find many great stories there. The ones I love to bits are: Shinka, For When the Fire Burns Bright, and Rise.

🍅🌸🍅🌸🍅🌸

SouthSideStory / @southsidestory

I said this before here and I’m going to repeat, this author is the Queen of Arranged Marriage Fics. I love all of her AM AUs. Her captivating writing style and the realistic perspective she brings to the stories will grip your attention all through the stories. My favorites are: The Colors of Midnight, Second Son, Blood for Blood.

🍅🌸🍅🌸🍅🌸

I feel like this is becoming super long, so I’m going to speed up and just recommend you a few more authors that I read a lot during the first couple months when I found SasuSaku fanfiction:

Lady Otori > read Heat and check other works.

ChronicallyChill (pain-somnia) > check The Planning Of A Matriarch and other works/AUs.

JinnySkeans > read Meet the Parents, Once More, With Feeling, check other works and AUs.

anthropologicalhands > read sleeping arrangements and check other works.

stannide > read interim and check other works.

Sparkly Faerie > read Hatsukoi and (we bloom during) Hanami , check more works.

theeflowerchild > read skinny love and check other works and AUs.

This is how I started back in 2018 (even though I ship SasuSaku since 2004, I didn’t know fanfiction or English until much later). 😢 There are many other talented authors out there and even some hidden gems where you least expect. It’s hard to list everything or everyone here, so I started with the ones I read first back then.😊

I know that starting in a new fandom can be overwhelming, especially one as big as SasuSaku, so I hope that this post can help you get more acquainted with 🍅🌸 fanfics and content creators. 😁 From there, you can always go back to my MASTERPOST for more fics and lists. 💕

Enjoy and Stay Safe,

xoxo

#theredconversegirl answers things #SasuSaku #getting started with ss #my personal path to ss fanfiction #ss authors #ss fics #Anonymous #theredconversegirl recommends

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dreamkidddream · 3 years

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hello!

can i request a hc on being best friends with dazai, chūya, oda and akutagawa (platonic and separate) and also maybe being in the pm or ada? thank you! :)

My first BSD request! When I tell you I fell in LOVE with the anime, omg. I binge watched the entire show and the movie within a couple days and can’t wait till they release more! So in these hc’s, I focused on both how you guys became friends and what you guys would do as best friends. Also, Akutagawa’s part got kinda long and more focused on how you guys became friends, hope that’s okay. Reader is gender neutral and hope you enjoy! Also after posting this, I saw that these got realllyy long. Hope that’s okay too!

Possible TW: mention of suicide, but nothing too heavy, and it’s in Dazai’s part

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2/DARK ERA ARC (I think it’s episode 13-16 if I’m not wrong, but if you haven’t watched it yet, skip Oda’s part)

Being Best Friends with Dazai, Chūya, Akutagawa and Oda HCs

Dazai

Can you say CHAOTIC ENERGY

Imagine just having a nonstop sugar rush

Actually, remember how he was after eating the mushrooms? That’s the kind of energy y’all radiate together

If you’re both in the ADA, you both goof off so much that you have to sit at separate desks alll the way on the other side of the room so that you can try to get your work done

The keyword being try

It doesn’t work

Poor Kunikida is going to pop a blood vessel at any second and everyone is so used to now that nothing even surprises them anymore

Oh, Kunikida is yelling at Dazai and (y/n) with smoke practically coming out of his ears? What else is new

Always going to the little cafe to slack off too

Messing with Atsushi also the highlight of both of your guys day

You guys have a mini competition going on which is: who can get/convince Atsushi to do their reports the most without getting caught?

You both get caught all the time (duh). Kunikida foams at the mouth for tricking poor Atsushi and the poor sap himself is ready to pass out

If you guys are both in the PM, imagine goofing and slacking off but on a darker scale

“Hey (Y/N)! Wanna know how many bones are exactly in the human body? ”

“Hm, I’m slightly disgusted but intrigued..continue.”

Also, pranking Chūya any chance you can get

You and Dazai together = the bane of Chūya’s existence

Surprisingly, no matter in the ADA or PM you don’t join him on the suicide attempts and you try to deter him from doing it in your presence at least

“Dazai, do you mind not trying to drown yourself in the river while we’re working a case? Besides, you already tried it before and it’s a pretty stale method.”

Cue dramatic gasps and antics from him again

He did try to convince you to join when you first met him, but changed his mind overtime when he started to enjoy your company

He’s smart enough to know what you’re saying, and he understands. At first, he wanted to leave this world by any means, but since you came into his life as once of the closest people to him since Oda, he perhaps doesn’t want to leave you just yet

He doesn’t stop the attempts but he does slow down on them

You still have to pretty much save him all the time still though

“Oh (Y/N)! My hero of a best friend, what would I do without you?”

And he wasn’t lying. He feel like he would be lost again if it wasn’t for you to help him keep grounded. Sure, you guys may create chaos together, but he would always keep you safe no matter what. He would put his life before yours, because you deserved it

You’re his best friend after all, and he’s not ready to lose you by any means if he can help it

And he’ll always have your back 100%

Chūya

Drinking buddies!

I mean seriously, you guys have left the bar or restaurants way past tipsy more than once

You guys definitely have impromptu fashion trips together (no matter how much he denies liking them)

“Hey! That was my last good vest! You’re buying me a new one, and I’m going with you to make sure you’re not being cheap with it either.”

Chūya if you just wanna spend some time together just say that lmao

If you’re in the PM, you guys are always working together. You might even be an executive working alongside him, but no matter what you guys are always on missions with one another

If you’re in the ADA: you guys bonded over Dazai. You were complaining about him while facing Chūya and he happened to agree and add on to the complaints

Boy was he holding onto some grudges

While you both understand that you have your own obligations and loyalties to worry about, it didn’t stop the friendship from growing

If you do have to fight him, he doesn’t go easy on you (he does have a job to do like you) but he doesn’t go out the way to try and kill you either

And you don’t let anyone try to kill him either

Low key turns into a competition

“You fight like an 86 year-old shortstuff!”

“Who are you calling shortstuff?! You weren’t saying that last time when I whooped your ass!”

Regardless, you definitely become like a diary to him, especially after you find out about Arahabiki (which he tells you about over time)

You make him feel human, and he’s forever grateful for that

Being best friends with Chūya can be difficult at times (if you’re on opposite sides) but regardless, you both look out for each other

No matter how annoying you are can be, Chūya cares for you. You’re one of the only people that he doesn’t have to worry about betraying him (what happened with The Sheep still gets to him from time to time)

He begrudgingly calls you his best friend, but never in front of you or other people because 1. If he did you would never shut up about it and 2. he doesn’t want to be seen as “weak” or “soft”

And 3. you don’t need to be put into anymore danger than you’re already in

But you already know that you’re his best friend, cause he’s yours and nothing is changing that

“You’ll be a dumbass if you think I’ll let anything happen to you. Besides, the only person who’s allowed to kick my best friend’s ass is me, and if anyone else tries to they’ll have to deal with me!”

“*GASP* you’re finally admitting that I’m your best friend?!”

“DON’T RUIN THE DAMN MOMENT (Y/N)!”

Akutagawa

Oh man, being his best friend is like a hard to unlock achievement

Congrats (Y/N) on even getting close to this man, let alone enough to build a bond

It’s easier on being friends with Akutagawa if you’re in the PM. Bonus points if you go on missions all the time

But I will say if you are in the ADA, the easiest way to bond with him is to show that you are a force to be wrecking with, and maybe if you hate Atsushi or something too lol

But: think of Pinky and the Brain, but with Aku threatening to kill you every day (spoiler alert: he never does)

The only way that I can see you guys building your friendship is if he sees you in action and how you constantly have his back

He hates it because he knows what he’s doing and he’s been doing it for a while. He’s not an incompetent child (Y/N)!

But as time passes, he slowly gets over it. Don’t get me wrong, he still claims that he hates you asking if he’s okay and telling to “watch out” and things of that nature. But he starts to realize that you know what you’re doing too, and that he also sees that you care about the other subordinates too

He still sees if a sign of weakness, but you came to the realization that he wasn’t purposely doing it to be an ass (but don’t get me wrong, he still has his moments) but that he truly didn’t understand. He never had someone show him that they care for him, and it made you heartbroken

So, you made it your own personal goal to become his friend. And he hated it

At first

It seemed like wherever he was, you were there like his shadow. Going to hunt someone down that didn’t pay his debt? You were there in the background. Walking with Gin to the dry cleaners? You were already there, holding their readied clothes. Going to try and kill the weretiger? You were waiting for him with the car ready to go.

Higuichi started to hate you, until you told her that you did not want him. You just saw that he needed a friend, and you even came to an agreement of sorts. Once you and Akutagawa become strictly friends, you could try and hook them up

You knew it wasn’t happening anytime soon but you didn’t want to crush her dream and you didn’t want a target on your head

You really had to pat yourself on the back, (Y/N). It took some time, but you finally did it! Akutagawa didn’t totally hate you anymore!

You came to this conclusion after one of your missions went south. Not only did you not get the information that Mori needed, but you came back with a bullet wound. Granted you got reprimanded, and after you got out the meeting, he was waiting outside. For you

“Maybe if you would stop acting so careless and focus on the mission, then you would have both succeeded and came back uninjured. It’s obvious that you need someone to watch over you like a child. Don’t embarrass me or I will end you myself.”

Shocked wasn’t the word. He was going to accompany you on all your missions now? Oh wow, is he finally-

“Stop standing there with your mouth open like an idiot (Y/N). You’re bleeding all over the place. Come, so that someone can dress your wound. We have more work now that I have to go behind and clean up your mess. And you’ll be coming with me, so hurry up.”

You smiled. Even though this bullet wound was hurting like hell, you were happy. Happy that, even in his own Akutagawa way, that he was starting to accept you and your friendship.

It would take a while for you to become best friends, but the way your partnership is now, you were fine with that. As long as he knew that someone was standing in his corner no matter what, you were happy.

And he would support you too, in his own Akutagawa way

Oda

(AGAIN: SPOILER ALERT FOR SEASON 2/DARK ERA ARC. SKIP ODA’S PART IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED IT)

Okay, this man is loyal no matter what

He has a good head on his shoulders, he’s understanding, doesn’t have a crazy temper like some people do, and he doesn’t kill anymore

Oda would be one of the best people to be best friends with

I personally believe that it doesn’t matter whether you’re in the ADA or the PM, he only cares about what type of person you are.

Curry buddies!

Also, just imagine telling each other book recommendations and just talking about books in general

You would even look at some of the writing he did have and just UGH

He just wanted to be a writer he deserved a happy ending

If you’re in the ADA, you guys met at the little curry spot he likes so much

You were on a case local to the area when you stopped to grab a bite to eat. You saw him eating the spiciest curry you ever smelt (seriously, you could smell it from where you were sitting!) without making a single face

When he saw you just gaping at him, he was...very confused. Until you finally asked how the hell he was eating that with no issues

“It’s not that bad, it’s pretty good really. If you want to try some I’ll pay for it.”

You took him up on the offer, cause it did look really good. And you have never made a bigger mistake than that

You had to drink so much milk afterwards

And the cook was damn near laughing in tears at you and Oda managed to crack a small smile at your exaggeration

“It’s not that bad.”

“WHAT- *COUGHCOUGH* EVER”

And that was the start of your wonderful friendship

He definitely is worried about the conflict of interest because of being in the PM himself and working directly with one of the most vicious executives to ever exist

Seriously, Dazai was still his friend but damn could he do some things that even he couldn’t stomach

And he couldn’t imagine what Mori would make him do if he found out he was being buddy buddy with the enemy

So he kept his distance at first until you saw the kids. His guard was up at first but when he saw how you interacted with them, it melted his heart (on the inside, he was still stone faced on the outside)

So you guys met up a couple of times each month in between jobs and missions

If you’re in the PM, you worked alongside him and related to his stance on not killing anymore. Granted, you both were working on the other side of justice, but if you guys could help it you wouldn’t create bodies if it didn’t have to be any

If you guys weren’t meeting at the curry spot, you were meeting about Bar Lupin

You supported him through and through, especially with his dream of becoming a writer. You even went out to the bookstore a couple of times to try and inspire him to write something for you to read

It didn’t matter if you were in the ADA or the PM, you encouraged him to follow his dream. And when he would look at you confused , and asked why you were doing this, you would always reply:

“I wouldn’t be a good best friend if I didn’t tell you to follow your dreams, now would I? You deserve it, Oda. You’re a good man, and that can’t be said about a lot of people, especially people in the Port Mafia.”

He really did care for you, and in his last final moments before Dazai got there, he thought about you, and how terrible he felt for leaving you behind.

He wanted you to know that he always appreciated you. You reassured him always, never doubting him, and there wouldn’t be enough thanks in the world for that

When you found out about his death, you were devastated. You didn’t want to believe it at first and you kept blaming yourself that maybe you could’ve convinced him more to leave the dangerous life behind and to pursue his dreams

Until you found a letter in your door, which was actually a short story written by him attached to a letter.

“Thank you for being the best friend a man could ask for. I will always appreciate you (Y/N), no amount of words can tell you how much I will. Thank you for letting me live out my dream, even if it was for a short time.”

It really confirmed it when Dazai arrived outside to tell you Oda’s fate, but he stopped once he saw you crying and clutching the letter in your hand

Much time has passed, and Oda’s death still haunts you. But, you continue to live for the both of your sakes. You even try to eat the spiciest curry at restaurants in his memory, but you can just see him shaking his head and cracking a small smile at your silliness

And you also remember his motto: limit to one curry meal per day (it’s silly, but it makes you feel better because it’s his silly motto and how serious he took it)

You even start to read more (and to specific, the series that he wanted to finish)

You see your life in brighter eyes now because of Oda. He was- actually still is- your best friend, and you will continue to live on in his memory

You just hate that you didn’t have the time to tell him how much you appreciated him being in your life, and how much of a positive influence he’s been as your best friend.

But that’s okay, because you think he already knows how much you do

#dazai x reader #bsd #bsd x reader #chuya x reader #bsd reader insert #akutagawa x reader #oda x reader #odasaku x reader #bsd odasaku #bsd dazai #bsd akutagawa #bsd chuuya #bsd chuuya x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs imagines #bungou stray dogs drabbles #bungou stray dogs headcannons #chuuya x reader

386 notes · View notes

skzfairies · 3 years

Text

coming out

pairing: hongjoong, seonghwa, and yuri.

summary: yuri anxiously told hongjoong and seonghwa that she wanted to talk alone after dinner in the training room, which leads to lots of miscommunication.

trigger warnings: anxitey, mentions of homophobic parents and classmates

time: say my name era

Yuri was currently stretching in their practice room, she was the only one there, but she enjoyed the few minutes of peace. She was actually able to hear her thoughts, unable to do so when laughter was echoing all around the room.

She loved her members, and they never failed to make her smile, it was just hard to get time alone, especially with 8 other members, she often found herself surrounded by many people every day.

Recently, she has been in a big debate with herself, she wants to share a big part of herself to her members, but she’s not sure who, and how, and if they would even accept her. That scared her the most, the members opinions of her suddenly changing and them shutting her out forever.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the door opening, and she quickly straightened up so she was sitting up right and turned and bowed at the incoming person.

“Hi Yuri-ah, are you the only here?” her leader, Hongjoong said in english, and way to cutely.

Yuri scrunched her nose and shook her head at him, disgusted at his sudden aegyo, causing hongjoong to let out a slight chuckle and say a quiet sorry.

“You’re so gross hongjoong oppa, and yeah i’m the only one here. Also, you don’t have to speak in english with me, if I don’t understand i’ll just ask!” Yuri appreciated that Hongjoong would talk in english so she could understand easier, but it wouldn’t do her any good if she only talked in english, based on past experiences.

Hongjoong nodded his head and started stretching as well next to Yuri, while texting someone on his phone.

“Seonghwa should be here soon, he’s just getting water.”

Yuri nodded and stretched her arms, when a sudden thought came to her head, should she share her secert with hongjoong and seonghwa? She shared a room with them, and she knew they were quite trust worthy, and they were open minded and accepting too, she doesn’t see them shutting her out, they weren’t those kind of people. As far as she knows so far.

She nodded, deciding that she should do it now before she backs out and began hyping herself up.

As soon as Yuri assured herself she could do it, Seonghwa opened the door and made eye contact with her through the mirror while smiling and bowing, and all the anxiety that she had before came rushing back.

Yuri bowed back at Seonghwa and gave him an uneasy smile, not going unnoticed by Seonghwa, unfortunately.

“Are you okay yuri?” Seonghwa asked gently, giving her a stare as if he was trying to read her mind.

Yuri nodded and gently smiled, not trusting her voice at this moment and walked over to her bag, so she wouldnt have to face Seonghwa’s concerned face.

While she was applying her chapstick, she tried to slap herself out of the anxitey, and encouraged herself. now or never, she thought, its gonna be all okay, they will get over it if they dont accept it.

Thinking over and over what she should say, she finally turned around and faced them. Both of thm were streching together, leaning on each other to stretch their legs.

Clearing her throat, she finally started at the speech she prepared, tightly closing her eyes and squeezing her hands shut.

“Hey guys, do you mind if I tell you something?” Yuri finally squeaked out, cringing at how high pitched her voice sounded.

The room was quiet, Hongjoong and Seonghwa stopped their conversation, and Yuri could feel their eyes staring her down, she felt as if a knife wouldn’t even cut the tension in the room.

Hongjoong was the first one to speak, clearing his throat and walked over to Yuri, gently placing his hand on her shoulder.

“Of course yu, you can tell us anything! even if its gross.” Hongjoong slighlty chuckled, making Yuri feel more calmer and at ease, she let out a laugh too, shaking her head.

“Okay, you all have to pinky promise to not judge me, okay?” Yuri finally looked up, and glanced at the both of them, Seonghwa was now crouched in front of her and nodded, and Hongjoong gave her a reassuring smile and a nod.

Taking a deep breath, Yuri collected her thoughts and shook her hands, she was ready. she could do this.

“I’m-” Yuri was suddenly cut off with the door slamming open and the rest of the members running in, all busy chattering away to notice the trio in the corner of the room.

Seonghwa looked over at the boys that were now streching and warming up, and looked back at Yuri furrowing his eyebrows when she didn’t continue her sentence.

“What were you saying, Yuri?” Hongjoong asked, catching the attention of Wooyoung, who was near by streching his legs.

“Ooohhhh Yuri has a secert?? Tell me tell me tell me, pleaseeeee. I’m good at keeping them I promise.” Wooyoung pleaded, giving her the puppy eyes when she shook her head and avoided eye contact.

Wooyoung was the last person on earth Yuri would ever tell a big secert to, and she was not ready at all to even think about telling the whole group.

“Wooyoung stop lying, you are not good at keeping secerts! I would know.” Yeosang agrued, apperantly easdropping too.

“5 years of friendship and you still treat me like this?” Wooyoung screeched, causing the whole room to laugh, besides Yuri.

Rather than making yuri laugh like their playful bickering normally would, it just made her more anxious, the loud and crowded enviroment was easily making her overwhelmed, and she could start to feel sweat drickle down her forehead and she felt like the room was about to spin.

Looking back at Seonghwa and Hongjoong, who were still giving her worried looks and confused frowns, she shook her head and mumbled a quiet “later”.

Yuri quickly walked to the door, opening it and running to the restroom, she could feel her throat starting to close up and her palms getting sweaty, she felt like she was going to fall face first on the floor. Thankfully, the bathroom was close and went to the first open stall she saw, and threw herself in it.

She quickly pulled at the strands at her hair, trying to ground herself. She stared at the slilghtly cracked tile on the floor and tried to ease her breathing.

Memories came rushing back from highschool of her sitting in a bathroom stall trying to calm herself down before a teacher sent a student looking for her. Those days happened often, and were probably one of her scariest school memories. The fear of anyone walking in and the fear of missing too much class time were at an all time high.

Shaking her head she tried to empty her brain and focused on her breathing.

in, out. in,out. in, out.

After what felt forever, she was finally able to calm down and breathe with ease now. Slowly standing up, she unlocked the stall door and went to the sink to wash her hands and make sure her face wasn’t puffy.

Her nose was slightly red, but she could just blame that on allergies, and if the members ask why she was gone so long she could just say it was a “period problem”, and they wouldn’t press any more questions. Yuri shook her head and laughed softly at the boys getting slightly awkward when she mentioned anything about her period.

Exiting the bathroom, she quickly walked to the practice room, hoping that she didnt keep them waiting long.

Opening the door, she was meant with their new song, “Say My Name”, blasting through the speakers and the dance instruter standing on a chair watching the performance and critqiueing it.

“There you are Yuri, we were waiting for you. Are you all stretched out? Good, wait till this round is over.” The dance instruter impaitently said, giving Yuri the impression that she was gone much longer than she thought she was, and thanking the gods that the manager wasn’t currently in the room.

After the song was finished, she quickly got into her postion next to Seonghwa , and waited for the music to start again.

“Where were you?” Seonghwa mumbled out of the corner of his mouth, so the teacher wouldn’t scold him for talking during pratice.

“Bathroom, how long was I gone?” Yuri replied, crossing her fingers that it wasn’t a long period of time. She really didn’t want to make all the members upset, espically during comeback season.

“Like 10 minutes, are you okay?” Seonghwa quickly glanced at her, and Yuri could see the stress in his eyes, and she knew that she was the cause of it.

“Yeah, i’m okay, don’t worry oppa, i’m all good.” Yuri gave him a tiny hip bump and the biggest smile she could give, trying her best to convince that she was okay. She really didn’t want to make even more of a scene.

Seonghwa opened his mouth to protest it, but the music started back up again and gave him no room to agrue.

Throughout the day, Hongjoong and Seonghwa kept on coming up to her, but she quickly busied herself when they would try and talk to her, such as praticing a move or goofing off with the closet member. They eventually got the hint after a few hours, or even forgot about it, if Yuri was lucky.

Practice ran for hours, and when it was finally dinner time (9pm), they were free to go home and sleep until the next day.

Yuri looped her arm through Mingi’s and let out the most exaggerated yawn she was capable of, making Mingi roll his eyes and laugh.

“I’m literally so hungry right now, I could eat a cow. wait actually no. i’m so hungry I could eat a mingi.” Yuri loudly complained, and playfully biting Mingi’s arm, pretending she was eating him.

“Get of me get of me, you can’t eat me stupid! Eat Jongho he actually has some meat on his arms.” Mingi groaned trying to push the girl off of him, but Yuri just laughed and wrapped her arms around Mingi’s waist, leaning on him for support.

“You better have some meat cuz I think your gonna have to be my legs.” Yuri groaned, now feeling the pain of dancing for twelve hours straight. She knew tomorow was going to be hell, she grimanced at how sore she will be tomorow when she wakes up.

They finally made it to their cars, all piling in and getting ready to nap while they are all on their way home.

Yuri always found it difficult to fall asleep in cars, there was just no possible way to get comfortable, no matter how hard you try.

She turned to Mingi, who was sitting to the right of her, and he was sadly asleep, but Yuri wasn’t really suprised, that boy could sleep anywhere.

Busying herself on her phone, she caught up with her family, who were most likely in bed by now, but she assumed a quick text was better than nothing.

After around 20 minutes, their manager announced that they arrived at the dorm, and Yuri quickly got out of the car, wanting to be one of the first to the showers.

Wooyoung, who was walking behind her noticed her rush to the building, and smirked.

“Race you to the shower, Mimi.” Wooyoung cackled, and took off running.

“WOOYOUNG, THAT’S NOT FAIR.” Yuri yelled, knowing that wooyoung was way more atheletic than she was, he would clearly beat her to the dorm.

She just heard wooyoung laugh as he continued to jog to the dorms, multiple other members running behind him, while Yuri stayed behind and continued to walk at normal speed.

She smiled from afar, she felt like a mother even though she was the third youngest in the group. She loved moments like these, when she could just observe her members from afar and laugh at their playful personality’s. She was extremly greatful to all the boys, and how they turned her life around and made her life so much more brighter.

“Whatcha thinking about, sof?”

Yuri turned around, wondering which member it was. She was met face to face with the eldest member of the group, Seonghwa. He slighly laughed at her confused manner.

“Shouldn’t you be able to recognize our voices by now? We are literally together all day.” Seonghwa teased, making Yuri groan.

“I knew who you were, I dont know why I acted like that.” Yuri shook her head, wondering why she was still suprised when members randomly popped next to her.

“Are you nervous about something? do you, perhaps, have a crush on one of our dear members?” Seonghwa teased, poking on Yuri’s side.

This comment, made Yuri stop in her tracks, and stood with her mouth wide open. How could he even think that? She in no way liked the members in any other way than platonic.

“Seonghwa oppa, I really think your off your rocker.” Yuri grumbled in english, and continued walking towards the dorm, now inside the lobby. But instead full of bliss like she way when she started the walk, she was full of annoyance.

She could hear Seonghwa giggling behind her, and Yuri just continued to shake her head, mumbling on how crazy Seonghwa is.

“Seonghwa oppa, I was in such a great mood and you just ruined it.” Yuri groaned, throwing her head back and stepping into the elevater, but this just made seonghwa laugh harder.

“So it’s true? Lemme guess, Wooyoung?” Seonghwa snickered, pressing the button to their floor while Yuri gasped.

“What the- no I dont like any of the members, how did you even get this crazy idea? Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I’m in love with every man I see, Seonghwa oppa, Thats sexist actually. You should be ashamed of yourself.” Yuri snapped, rolling her eyes when seonghwa continued to smirk and chuckle at her comments.

“Then why did you stop talking to us when Wooyoung came in? I thought you were gonna tell you liked him based on that.” Seonghwa huffed, recalling the painful memories to Yuri.

So he does remeber that....

“No, that’s not why. what I was going to tell you is much more important than Wooyoung’s ugly ass, and stop assuming sir, your gonna loose your mind by doing that. And i’ll tell you after dinner because you’ll probably try to convince yourself that i’m madly in love with the CEO if I don’t tell you.” With this, Yuri exited the elevator grumbling with a still laughing Seonghwa behind her.

Yuri just hopes he falls asleep before she can even get a chance to talk to him tonight.

Yuri was in her bed, nicely fed of some god knows how old ramen and all clean, ready to fall asleep in her warm bed, when her two roomates loudly entered their room, a tad too dramatic with their entrance.

“Guys, we aren’t in super hero movie, you don’t have to come in here showing your muscles to me, I know you don’t have any.” Yuri huffed, throwing the blanket off her body with annoyance, yanked straight out of her dazy state.

“Well, I think that was well deserved since you left us on edge all day with your secert holding.” Hongjoong chuckled, crossing his arms and his eyebrows at her. Yuri sat up and looked down at them, and grimaced at this comment. She probably made them worry all day and raise their stress levels, which were already high due to praticing all day. She hates being the cause of people’s worries and stress, she wishes she would have just kept her mouth shut.

“I was kinda hoping you would forget about it, to be honest. I’m sorry if I made you worry all day.” Yuri pouted, grabbing onto her plushie, looking the cutest she could, hoping for easy forgivness.

“Hmph, weren’t you the one calling me gross for doing aegyo earlier? Now scoot over, Seonghwa and I are all ears, and we aren’t leaving until we make sure you aren’t in serious danger.” Hongjoong rolled his eyes and chuckled, and started to climb up the ladder.

Yuri giggled and scooted over, and wrapped herself into a blanket burrito while Seonghwa and Hongjoong climbed up the ladder.

“Hongjoong oppa, what did you think I was going to tell you? Seonghwa oppa thought I was going to tell you I was madly in love with Wooyoung.” Yuri laughed, still thinking that Seonghwa was out of his mind for thinking that.

“To be honest, I thought you were gonna tell me that one of the members said something to you. Like offended you or something, I hope that’s not true. If it is, we will call them in here asap, and you can laugh at them getting yelled at by me.” Hongjoong tried to joke around, but Yuri could see the worry in his eyes.

“No no no no, it’s nothing like that, I promise. it’s just, well, I really don’t know how to say this, i’m not in any danger, it’s nothing to pull your hair out over, unless you make it to be.” Yuri nervously chuckled, and took a deep breathe, deciding to look at the small hole in her sheets, thinking she would burst into tears if she looked into Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s eyes.

“We will love you no matter what, Mimi, nothing will ever change our opinion about you, you’re amazing.” Seonghwa said, and Hongjoong nodding his head to Seonghwa’s statement.

They really did love her, they couldn’t imainge ateez without her, nothing (unless it was obv wrong) could change that.

“Yuri, you really don’t need to tell us if you aren’t ready, we just wanted to make sure your safe.” Hongjoong said softly, gently placing a hand on top her hand.

The warmth of Hongjoong’s hand somewhat calmed her, and she took a deep breath and began speaking again.

“No, i’ll tell you. i’m just a little nervous, you know?” Yuri whispered, brushing her hair out of her face.

“Take all the time you need.”

yuri nodded, replaying seonghwa’s words over and over again. they never broke a promise so far, and they are always so truthful too. taking another deep breathe, yuri finally started to talk again.

“well, this is kinda constroversial, you know, so like, I wasn’t sure how you all would react to it. so I don’t want to tell the other members just yet, I trust them, I really do, I just, I dont know. I dont trust them with this secert yet, I think. i’m just not comforatble with them knowing just yet, do you understand? what’s said in this room stays in this room.” yuri said, and looked up to make sure the boys understood. when she saw them nodding their head, she looked back down and continued with her speech.

“here goes nothing, so um, I uh, um, I don’t like men. so like, that means i’m lesbian. yeah, so, um, that’s really all I wanted to say, I feel kinda silly now that I say out loud, haha.” yuri swallows, feeling awkward and lame, wondering why she even worked herself up that much all day. If they don’t support her, then they don’t, theres nothing she can do to change that. she looked up to see hongjoong and seonghwa smiling at her.

“thank you for trusting us with that, mimi, and I swear on my life, I won’t tell anyone. and don’t beat yourself up about it, this is hard to talk about, and i’m proud of you. I still love you.” hongjoong spoke, patting yuri’s shoulder and giving her a sweet smile.

“yeah, thank you yuri, and I promise this doesn’t change anything, you are still my little sister, I promise. and i’ll take this secert to the grave.” seonghwa said, reaching out to give her a hug, yuri smiled, she was so glad that they still loved her, she could feel tears gathering in her eyes.

“awh, yuri don’t cryyyyy, you’ll make me cry.” hongjoong said, patting her head and pouting at her, making yuri shake her head and giggle as she pulled away from seonghwa.

seonghwa lightly dried her tears that fell with the pad of his thumb, and ruffled her hair.

“why are you crying love, it’s all okay!!” seonghwa said, pouting as well, making yuri groan.

“both of you, stop acting cute or i’ll make you sleep outside! and I’m not kidding either!” yuri jokingly scolded, laughing at the both of them when they sat up straight and shouted “yes ma’am.”

“and i’m crying because people haven’t been this accepting, and i’ve never came out to someone in person and have it go this, hm, sentimential.” yuri softly spoke, remebering people stopping being friends with her due to her sexuality or being unintentially homophobic. she also rembered her parents reaction, their disapointed faces after they saw her texting her friends about her being lesbian. she shook her head and smiled, not wanting to cry and think about the hurtful memories.

“but, I can’t help that they think that way, I’m greatful that I can be surronded by accepting and loving people now! do you feel better now that you know I dont like Wooyoung, seonghwa oppa?” yuri smiled and rolled her eyes now, knowing seonghwa probably feels embarssed that he even assumed she liked a guy.

“yah! I didn’t know, okay?” seonghwa laughed with her, both of them shaking their heads at their bickering in the elevator.

“yuri-ah, if anyone ever says anything hurtful to you, let me know, and i’ll go punch them in the face.” hongjoong teased, gestering punching someone’s face with his hand.

“thanks oppa, but I think I can handle the homophobes myself, don’t you see these muscles? I could easily beat jongho in a fight!” yuri flexed her “muscles”, even though she didn’t even have any to begin with.

“and you said we didn’t have any!”

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fitzs-trained-monkey · 3 years

Text

Chapter Thirty-Six: How I Did It - By Jack The Ripper

Rated PG-13: For dark themes and language

Masterlist

~We'll never get free Lamb to the slaughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water? The price of your greed Is your son and your daughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water?

Beg me for mercy Admit you were toxic You poisoned me just for Another dollar in your pocket Now I am the violence I am the sickness Won't accept your silence Beg me for forgiveness~

"He's here."

Crossing the Event-Horizon

That's what that's called. I've always thought that's the most beautiful way of putting it. The words have a certain ring to them.

Crossing the Event-Horizon

It means crossing the point of no return. That itself - the point of no return - could mean a lot of things. It could mean the beginning. It could mean the end. It could mean the infinite. It could mean life. It could mean death. It could mean war, peace, happiness, sadness, or anything in between.

But it means one thing for sure.

Crossing the Event-Horizon means there's no going back.

If I had to identify a beginning to the end of my story, then I think that little red dot on the map of time is where I'd stick my proverbial pin. That one little sentence, those two little words.

Yes, it was that moment, I think.

That was when it all started to go wrong.

"Felix is here," I said quietly, "He's outside."

I didn't know what I was going to do to get my revenge from that point. All I knew was, in order to kill Felix, I would need to get to him. And that meant getting away from Jack. Getting away from the son of the devil is something certainly easier said than done.

I would have to do it in a manner which would compel him and the Winchesters to come 'save me'. Of course, I could just knock Jack out and ditch him, but then I would have no back-up if things with Felix went sour. Now, if there was one thing I had learned in the five years leading up to my presence in that lighthouse, it was redundancy. It never hurts to have a safety net. Mine just happened to be a Nephilim.

"You remembered to lock the door, right?" Jack joked. I huffed a laugh. "We're safe in here. Don't worry, Marty. I'll protect you."

Isaac shook his head. "Felix has hostages. Two of 'em." He informed me.

"It's not me I'm worried about," I said to Jack, "This is a hostage situation."

The Nephilim's expression darkened and Isaac rolled his eyes.

"Personally, I say we go on the offensive. I mean, ya boyfriend here has more than enough juice to disintegrate seven dudes, right? Just waltz out there like we own the place, boom, clap, poof, TA-DA!"

"Ya know, that's actually not that bad of a plan," I said, nodding. I relayed the message to Jack who nodded.

"I could do it." He seemed confident.

"Felix brought six helpers. Have you ever dusted that many guys before?" I asked.

"I have, yes. Many more, in fact."

Well, that was... thoroughly disturbing. He seemed so calm about it. As if anyone who stood against him was nothing more than an obstacle. That could be me one day. That could be me tomorrow.

"Alright then, lead the way," I said, smirking.

Is it bad that I hoped something would happen to Jack? Nothing deadly, of course. Just something that would stop him from using his powers to take my revenge for me. Felix was mine. I needed to be the one to kill him. If Jack did it then what had been the point of it all? So, was it bad of me to hope that the quickest, cleanest solution wouldn't be the one that played out?

Was that wrong?

Did that make me evil?

Did I care if it did?

"Everything's going to be fine, Marty. You'll see." And Jack smiled at me softly and I wondered how long that would last.

I found myself standing beside him at the door to the lighthouse. My blood was boiling for a fight because this was it. Felix was on the other side of that door and in a few hours, I would be free, one way or another. Jack turned the handle.

Across the Event-Horizon.

A vampire, a ghost, and a Nephilim stepped out into the muggy night air. It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but it was more the beginning of a new era, at least for me. I stayed mostly hidden beside Jack, maintaining my air of powerlessness. Isaac stepped into place at the Nephilim's other side to match. I could feel the heat of Felix's presence bleeding through the space between us. He carried with him the foul stench of burning tar and just his scent made me want to wrinkle my nose.

He stood about ten feet away from Isaac, Jack, and me, flanked by six other vampires. There was no army, not that I had expected there to be - that wasn't how Felix worked. He didn't need an army, he'd brought two hostages. Two humans knelt on the ground in front of each of Felix's lackeys, poised to die.

Felix's lips stretched into something that approximated a smile but his little ruse was transparent. I could see the hate simmering in his eyes.

"This little game of ours has been fun but a score still stands to be settled and its resolution, I do believe, is long overdue. There is no place left for you to run, child. Are you finally ready to face judgment for your crimes, Martina?" He said. A smile spread across my face to match his.

"Are you?" I challenged, leaving all human emotion out of my voice. I had been so afraid of him before, but that fear was in the past. I had come to witness true power, I had seen it up close and Felix Ashton Monroe was nothing in comparison. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.

"I suppose you'll just have to find that out," He said. "Now, I've just had a rather unsavory chat with one Samuel Winchester. Barbarians those boys are - him and his brother. I do so hope you'll remember the manners I taught you and come along like a civilized being."

"Ready when you are," Isaac reported. His Darth Vader figure was tucked safely in my boot and I counted the fact that Felix didn't know about him as one of the few advantages I had. Both Isaac and I knew that in order to keep that advantage my brother would have to suffer through being dragged behind a car via his attachment to the figure to prevent Felix from noticing his presence. We had decided a long time ago that I wouldn't face Felix alone. Isaac had protested against us facing him at all.

It was ironic, really. He was the ghost, yet out of the two of us, I was the vengeful one. See, Isaac had never sought revenge against Felix. The only person Isaac wanted vengeance against was himself. He sought punishment for his failure to keep me safe, to keep any of us safe. I suppose he got his wish. Ever since that night, Isaac remained trapped on earth with what was less of a mission and more of a duty. To keep me alive. If one looked at it properly, that was another advantage. Isaac had been formidable when he was alive, but as a vengeful spirit and with a threat on my life to power him up, Isaac was alarmingly deadly.

I didn't need to send him a discreet nod to acknowledge his words. The two of us had been preparing for this moment for five years. We knew our roles. We knew what we had to do.

"Marty isn't going anywhere with you," Jack cut in, his voice firm.

"You're Jack Kline I presume," Felix said in his usual drawling tone. His voice too reminded me of tar with the way it oozed lazily around his words. Everything about him was so clean and sharp yet somehow it was all horrifically revolting.

"I am, yes." Jack nodded. He was trying to sound confident and authoritative, mimicking Sam or Dean or Castiel. But he wasn't like them, it wasn't in his nature. Jack was too soft. Felix regarded him with a smirk, studying the boy in a calculating manner as if Jack were merely a rare antiquity he was appraising in an effort to determine its value.

"The boy born to rule..." He hummed, drawing out the words almost reverently. "Yer smaller than the rumors describe ye to be."

"So are you," Jack replied, standing up straighter and lifting his chin confidently.

"Oh, I'm afraid not." That slime ball cracked a smile. "I'm much too careful to allow for rumors of my physical appearance to drift beyond my reach."

"Really?" Jack challenged. "Because it seems like Martina found us. She told us everything about you."

Felix just laughed like he was talking to something as insignificant as a flea.

"Do ye never listen, young one? I said I don't allow rumors to drift beyond my reach. Seeing as Martina is standing directly ahead of me, I'd say she is well within my grasp. That which is mine does not escape me, laddie. She knows that better than anyone," Felix said.

"If you're so careful, then why come here yourself?" Jack asked, struggling to remain impassive. He didn't really have a poker face.

"Why, because unlike an amateur I actually quite enjoy getting my hands dirty every now and again. Especially with a vendetta this personal. Isn't that right, Martina?" Felix taunted. "Will you be coming willingly or not?"

"I said you can't have her," The half-angel forcefully growled. Jack pushed me behind him, shielding me from my creator's gaze.

"Is that so? I was unaware you had a choice in the matter," Felix accosted, seemingly amused. "Were your circumstances not clearly implicit in the situation? No? Very well! If you insist against using so much as a modicum of intelligence, I suppose I'll have to explain this situation to you. See, these dirty, pathetic excuses for intelligent life forms you see trembling before you are called humans, dear boy. I hear you're quite fond of them, and today they are playing the role which we in the criminal world usually refer to as the hostage. Now, their miserable little lives are in your hands, Jack. I am a man of my word thus I will gladly release them, alive and well, upon the prompt return of my property. However, I will not hesitate to rip them both to shreds right in front of you if I don't get my way. Do you understand that , boy?"

Jack didn't respond. He appeared torn between protecting me and saving the lives of the hostages.

"Good," Felix droned, "Now, are you ready to leave, Martina dear?"

" You don't get to speak to her ," Jack snarled. His teeth snapped together with an audible click as he threw his arm out in front of me, not quite ready to give up. Felix rolled his eyes.

"Must we really do this the hard way?" He asked, boredom evident in his tone.

"Yes."

Felix tilted his head and his gaze flicked to me. I could see a hint of amusement in his expression.

"Tell me, lassie. Have you kissed him yet?" He chuckled. Then, abruptly, his expression darkened. "Or is he just that stupid? "

"Who says I did anything?" I replied evenly. Felix huffed, rolling his eyes.

"So you have?" He turned his attention to Jack who just seemed confused. "Did you enjoy it, me boy? If you'll recall, I did wish you a very exciting first, did I not?"

"Marty, what's he talking about?" Jack asked, doubt wavering in his voice. I didn't answer him. Felix was taking a chisel to the wall I'd built in that boy's head. Not causing enough damage to send it crumbling, but planting enough doubt for it to hurt even worse when it did.

"Ah, my devious little Martina," Felix sighed, shaking his head dramatically. "You're as predictable as you are appallingly cruel."

"Guess I learned from the best," I hissed, glaring at him.

"Does that mean you'll be sensible?" He asked, raising a brow.

"You're not taking her!" My angel boy yelled. "She's mine. " A shock ran through my bones as Jack's powers ignited and his metaphysical wings spread out in front of me in a terrifying reminder of what he truly was.

Felix didn't flinch. Instead, he chuckled.

"That's cute," He said, gesturing to Jack's massive wings. Then, he straightened the cuffs of his suit and sighed. From out of his pocket he retrieved a box of matches, pulling one out and striking it. He tossed the match lazily in front of him, the reflection of its tiny flame dancing in his eyes.

The match hit the sand and flickering orange flames erupted from where it landed. The fire spread outward in a ring that encompassed the entire lighthouse, trapping me, Jack, and Isaac inside.

Jack hissed through his teeth as he watched the flames die down. They were low enough to pass easily through, so how were they supposed to contain us?

"In case ye can't tell, that there is holy fire," Felix informed, tucking the matches back in his pocket. "Any angel who finds themselves encircled by holy fire is rendered powerless, and if one tries to step through those flames, one will be instantly vaporized." He looked up again, unimpressed. "Don't get smart with me, boy . I am thousands of years your senior. I'll do with that disgusting whore whatever I damn please."

"No, you won't !"Jack yelled. His wings flared out and a blazing golden light poured from him like molten metal. The air buzzed with a divine power that burned my skin from standing so close. He was like sunlight, and it burned. I cowered away but watched in awe as Jack's veins lit beneath his skin as if gold were pumping through them instead of blood. Because that's what Jack Kline was. He was power. With a sudden ferocity, the flames leaped up, roaring around his body in an effort to keep him trapped inside. But Jack did the impossible and stepped beyond the ring with a cry of effort.

Felix did not cower away as his underlings did; he merely tilted his head with slight interest.

"How intriguing," He mused, folding his hands in front of him. "Tell me, lad. How did you manage that?"

Jack glared at Felix, his chest heaving, for I could tell that act had caused him pain.

"I'm not an angel."

Jack raised his hand, poised to snap the monsters all into dust.

"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you," Felix half-heartedly warned.

"Why not?" The Nephilim ground out.

The vampire smiled coolly. "Because these fine specimens here are not my only hostages." Of course, he had more. He was always prepared.

"Where are the others?" Jack demanded, eyes flaring.

"They're safe and sound, I assure ye. Unless, of course, you try to do somethin' stupid, such as kill me. If that's the case, and I do hope it's not, then my people have orders to do some rather unsavory things to a room full of children." Felix raised a brow, daring Jack to make a move against him.

"I can save them," Jack said, confident.

"Please! Ye don't even know where they are!" He scoffed. "Do what ye must, Jack Kline. But I really do fear for the children." Jack gritted his teeth but said nothing. He knew he was beaten. "That's better." Felix turned his attention to me. "Give up this pitiful act of yours, Martina. Come on out. You know this is checkmate."

I stepped away from Jack and stood tall, allowing the thing that had made me to see the steel in my eyes. I passed Jack and planted myself in front of Felix.

"This isn't checkmate, Monroe. This is merely check. I'll be damned before I walk into something with no way out, you know that better than anyone." My voice was calm and cool and I let it chill him. It was my real voice, not that other one I always used to put people at ease. My real voice was the one that makes people do what I want.

The corner of Felix's mouth twitched up. "Oh, yes. I know." He leaned down, his face merely an inch away from mine. "I'm looking forward to it."

"So, where's the car?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Right this way, m'dear." He gestured towards the dirt road a ways away and started toward it. I began to follow but Jack's voice made me stop.

"You're a monster," He spat, shaking with rage. His pained expression had morphed into one of hatred and his glowing golden eyes fixed on Felix.

Felix twisted around, mildly amused more than anything.

"Empathy, humanity, and morality make you weak, boy. Alas, weakness is a bitch , isn't it?" He smirked, basking in the pain he caused.

"I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!" Jack screamed. His power flared with his anger but there was nothing he could do. The absolute helplessness and hopelessness of his situation finally dawned on him. He never could stand feeling helpless.

"Hold on, I'm confused. Is that not what you do ?" Felix jeered, lifting a brow. Jack froze, his eyes going wide and puppy-like as the vampire's words hit him in the heart. His rage and power dimmed.

"W-What?" Poor thing. His voice sounded so small. He had never been made for this.

"You're the Winchester's attack dog, are ye' not?" Felix clarified. "Playing judge, jury, and executioner for anything you deem a monster."

"You are a monster," Jack scowled, clenching his fists.

"Oh, I know that!" Felix laughed. "But I like to think I've done quite a bit to earn me that title. There are, however, six quite innocent and quite human patients in critical condition at a Manhattan hospital. Six patients, who you put there. Those weren't monsters now, were they?"

Jack's face paled. Sam and Dean had said everyone was fine. Sam and Dean had lied. "H-How did- How did you-"

"That was some stunt you pulled in Times Square, boy," He mused. "Did you really think I wouldn't know about it?"

"Th-that w-was... I-it wasn't... I didn't mean to I-" Jack shook his head in denial. "It was an accident!"

"Why, of course it was!" Felix laughed. "You've not a malicious heart nor the disposition to take an innocent life. Dear boy, you are but a loaded gun for the Winchesters aim at anything they don't like."

Jack shook his head. "T-that's not true! I kill things that are evil because they hurt people." His words sounded hollow like they were something practiced. Like something that had been pounded into him.

"Do ye now? Because as I recall, you killed your own mother and ye' don't even know why. Sad, that." Felix smiled. "You kill because you were bred to; it's your purpose. It's almost cute, the son of the devil thinking he's a hero."

"I am ! I'm a hunter!" Jack insisted.

"You are not a hero," Felix sneered, shaking his head. "You are a murderer, Jack Kline. What else could ya be?" The Scottish man turned on his heel, not caring much to hear what the Nephilim had to say.

"Y-you're wrong. You're wrong about me!" That was all Jack could force out. He tried so hard to keep the tears at bay. I shook my head and turned away from him to follow my creator. "M-Marty?" Jack called out from behind me, his voice laced with desperation and confusion.

I stopped.

In that moment, I finally stripped away the final pieces of the human girl I'd made for him. The girl I'd designed for him to love. Jack would never see her again. That girl was gone now. And good riddance to her; I hoped she'd never come back.

Because she was weak.

And I was not.

Because she was human.

And I was a monster.

Because she was kind.

And I was cruel.

Because she was innocent.

And I was insane.

Because she was honest and grateful.

And I was a deceitful manipulator.

Because she was the blissful mirage.

And I was the horrid reality.

Because she was perfect.

And I never could be.

Because Jack Kline loved that sweet girl.

But that girl wasn't ME.

She never had been.

Of course, I still loved him which only made this harder. But I supposed that in a few hours that would be of no consequence. He wouldn't care. And that fact hurt like a needle to the heart, but pain only brings power to those with nothing left to lose. So, I threw my head back and I laughed as I embraced that pain, just as I did for every other cut and bruise I had ever received. That needle was one in a million and all that pain was what made me real. So, I sighed and turned back to where my angel boy stood, staring at me like some lost puppy.

"I'm sorry, Jack," I said sweetly, "Thanks for getting me this far, I don't think I could have done it without you. Unfortunately, this is something I have to do on my own. This is my last page and nobody can write it for me."

"You can't go," He said, shaking his head. There were tears in his eyes but none in mine. I smiled at him and that was the first he'd seen from me that was real, because, for the first time, Jack was talking to me.

"Why are you worried, Jack?" I was surprised at how smooth and pleasing my own voice sounded, now that I took notice. My real voice was why I was dangerous; when I used it I could make anyone do anything. But there was a reason I had been masking it for so long. It was what had gotten me into this in the first place. "I know you'll come to save me."

"What if I'm too late?" He asked, his voice breaking.

"Then I'll be there waiting for you," I answered.

"You'll die," Jack whispered. I laughed lightly, shaking my head.

"I'm not going to die today, Jack."

"You don't know that!"

"I've known for longer than you think," I said. I watched his teary, desperate expression and copied it to my memory as best as I could. It was the last time he'd look at me that way. At least for a while. "Just do me one last favor?"

"Anything," Jack promised.

"There's a girl you haven't met yet, try not to hate her when you do." I smiled and Jack nodded, trying his best to stay strong.

Then I left him there.

Alone in the sand, he watched a stranger he thought he loved going to what he thought was her death and vowed to save her from it.

Was it wrong for me to deceive him?

Did I care if it was?

***

Sam paced back and forth along the length of the lighthouse as he waited for Dean and Castiel to return. Every few minutes or so he would check his watch anxiously and run a hand through his hair, muttering something unintelligible under his breath before he resumed his pacing.

But Jack wasn't paying attention to that. He was busy staring at his hands. There were too many thoughts racing through his head for him to focus on any one of them. It had all happened so fast and there was nothing he could have done, but it didn't feel that way. Jack felt responsible. Martina was going to die because of him. It was his fault.

It was always his fault.

The door of the Lighthouse burst open, revealing Dean and Cas standing there in the driving rain that had come on before anyone had time to notice. Dean threw himself inside and Cas trailed after him, taking the time to close the lighthouse door while Dean shook the rain off like an oversized dog.

"What took you so long?" Sam was immediately questioning. "Where were you?"

"Gettin' information," Dean smirked. "It took a while, but one of the bloodsuckers squealed. What happened here, Jack?"

"I kissed Martina," Jack blurted out.

"What?" Sam, Dean, and Cas asked in unison, sharing the same disbelieving expression.

Jack hadn't meant to say it but it just sort of came out. It probably wasn't his fault, though. Jack simply couldn't stop thinking about every detail of his time with the girl in the lighthouse. He wanted to focus on what had happened after, but his brain simply wouldn't cooperate.

"I, um... I kissed Martina..." He repeated, somewhat nervously. "And I think I liked it..."

Had he liked it? Jack thought so; he was pretty sure. But something about it felt off.

Why had he kissed her in the first place? What had compelled him to do that? Jack didn't know.

His memories of the kiss were strange. He remembered clearly the emotions he'd felt, and the intensity of them. Yet, for some reason, Jack couldn't seem to recall where those feelings had come from. He had wanted to kiss Martina, but not like that... Or... maybe he had? It felt to Jack as if the decisions he'd made weren't his own. He couldn't even remember making any decisions, really. All he remembered was those feelings and acting on them. Something about that seemed off to him but Jack wasn't sure. He supposed it wasn't that out of the ordinary for him to behave impulsively. On the contrary, he tended to do that quite a lot. So, what was bothering him?

"Wait..." Dean paled, "You and Marty... You- You two didn't, like... do it in a lighthouse, right?"

Jack tilted his head, brows furrowing. "Do what?"

"C-Cas?" Dean's face whitened another shade as he turned to the seraph. "Please tell me your son didn't-" Castiel gave a long-suffering sigh.

"No, Dean. I really don't think they did anything," He said, rolling his eyes.

"Not everyone is like you," Sam added. Dean waved him off.

"Yeah, okay, but why am I the only one gettin' weirded out by this?" He exclaimed.

"Because we have bigger problems, Dean!" Sam pointed out, exasperated. Sam seemed anxious and Jack wondered what he wanted to tell them.

"Well, I think this is pretty big!" Dean insisted, turning to Jack. "Dude, what the hell?"

"I don't understand what you mean. Martina and I kissed." Jack said simply.

"Dean, seriously. I-" Sam tried. Dean held up a hand, sighing.

Dean sighed. "Jack... Y-You don't do that."

"Dean! Listen-"

"Not now, Sam!" Dean cut him off again.

"Why not? Jack asked, frowning.

"Look, ya just- Ya gotta wait a little while, man!" Dean said, running a hand over his face. "I mean, Marty's like, twelve!" He insisted. By then, Sam had decided he'd had it.

"No, Dean! She's really not!" The younger Winchester yelled, throwing his hands in the air.

"What?" Dean was shocked by his brother's sudden outburst. Sam took a deep breath to calm himself now that he had everyone's attention.

"Martina's not as young as we think she is. I-I think she's older, m-much older." Sam said, stress leaking into his tone.

"What are you saying, Sam?" Cas asked.

"I'm saying we've been played."

***

The car ride was smooth and it was the first time I'd been in a limo, so naturally, I took the comforts offered me. I stretched out across the seat, lounging as I stared out the tinted window. I didn't worry about Felix sitting directly across from me. I knew he didn't want to kill me. Not yet anyway.

"I'm curious, how did you manage to fool them?" He asked, watching me with a comfortable expression.

I shrugged. "Long story, lots of boring details."

"Indulge me," He insisted.

"Why should I?" I asked. He shrugged, mimicking me.

"I'm simply curious."

I hummed. "I bet you are."

He smirked. "Well, what can I say? It's just my nature." I nodded vaguely, continuing to stare out the window. We both knew how this would end. There was no real reason not to tell him.

"Sam Winchester and Dean Winchester and the angel Castiel..." I said their names thoughtfully, allowing the corner of my lips to twitch up into a sly smile. "They seem so simple at first glance. You have the poor unfortunate soul who lost so much yet kept his kindness, the perfect killer who spent his whole life at war, and the fallen angel who found a home. But if that was all there was then I never would have fooled them. However, for men who claim to be so faithless, there's so much they want to believe in."

"Whot do ye mean?" Felix asked, tilting his head. I smirked lazily. T

"I'll start with Sam. Sam is kind because he's damaged, but the last thing he is is a fool. When someone's good at unraveling lies, the last thing you do is give them a really big one to unravel. If you do that, then they'll cut right through and they'll figure you out easily. So, what do you do? You give them distractions. Hide puzzles within puzzles and Sam will stop to solve each one because he loves it. But how do you get him to ignore the big picture?" I stopped and grinned.

"It's easy really. All I had to do was appeal to his hate. Sam Winchester is so extraordinarily full of such raw and powerful hate, that if you simply aim it at a conceivable target, he can ignore anything else. And of course, with his hate blinding him to the truth, Sam can't figure out the lie. All one has to do to fool Sam is give him a puzzle to solve and something to hate.

"So, I made him hate you."

***

"How?" Castiel asked, tilting his head.

"It's Marty. We can't trust her," Sam said. Dean scoffed

"After all that lecturing earlier? Why the hell not?" He demanded. Sam took a nervous breath.

"Because she's been lying to us, Dean," He said. "I-I think she's been lying to us this whole time."

Dean's jaw clenched and he crossed his arms over his chest. "What are you talking about, Sam?" His voice was tight and guarded.

"I talked to Felix after I saved the little girl," Sam admitted.

"You just stood there and talked to that son of a bitch! He's a sick, messed up, psychopath! Sam, what the hell is wrong with you?!" Dean yelled. Sam held out his hands in a peacemaking gesture.

"I know w-what he is, Dean. A-and, believe me, I thought the same things you are now and I swear it was over the phone a-and all he did w-was tell me things. But-" Sam hissed through his teeth and tugged at his hair, seemingly at war with himself.

"But what, Sam?"

"I don't know. He- he just-"

"You don't know?!" Dean interrupted accusingly.

"H-He said things, alright! Felix told me things. Things about Marty. A-and they- they made - They just made so much sense! And I hate him just as much as you do and I don't wanna believe him but-" Sam's voice faltered and he shook his head seeming lost.

"What did he tell you?" Castiel pressed, gentle but still firm.

"He told me Martina killed his wife."

***

"Now, Dean? Dean's a little harder," I said as the driver made a sharp left-hand turn. "Dean's not just a hardened killer, though that's mostly what he wants people to see. He wants people to see the machine without a heart so no one will see how horrifically broken he really is." Thinking of what Dean was really like made me laugh and I flicked my gaze at Felix. "And believe me when I say that there's nothing that could fix him by now."

"But there's so much more to him than the killer and the brokenness. Dean's the righteous man who's never known a day away from war. There are so many things he wants so desperately. Dean dreams of walking peacefully along a beach yet he's never even been to one. For all he's never had Dean tries to give it to others. For all the blood and death he's seen he's remarkably full of love. Love is the key, really. Dean Winchester loves more powerfully than anyone I've ever met. If Dean loves someone he'll do anything for them.

"He sees my age and sees in me the child he never was. He sees me afraid and wants to provide me the protection no one gave him. He sees me flinch when someone yells and wants to offer me the security he never knew. He sees an orphan and wants to give me the parental love he never had. All one has to do to fool Dean Winchester is give him a child to love.

"So, I made him love me."

***

"And you believed him?" Dean scoffed. "Marty is a kid, Sam! She's a kid! Just a scared kid who needs our protection! Marty never could have done something like that."

"Why not?" Cas spoke up. All eyes snapped to the angel.

"BECAUSE SHE'S A KID!" Dean roared. Jack flinched away from him, he'd always hated when Dean yelled. It scared him. Though, this time Dean sounded less angry and more desperate. As if there was something he didn't want to believe. As if yelling the words would make them true.

"T-that's what I thought too. But what if we're wrong?" Sam asked.

"How could we be wrong?" Dean demanded.

"What if Marty's not a kid?" Sam carefully spoke, "What if she's not human?"

Dean shook his head. "No," He said, "No, you're wrong. I know what you're thinkin' and you're wrong." Jack shook his head too. There was no way... was there? Something itched at the back of his mind. He didn't know what it was. Did he want to?

"Dean, I know this is hard to accept, but we need to think this through," Sam said, holding his hands out beseechingly.

"We don't have time for that!" Jack spoke up. "Felix is going to kill Marty! We can't just let her die!"

Sam held up a hand. "He's not gonna kill her, not for a while. We have time."

"No, you don't get it! I promised I'd save her!" Jack said.

"Exactly!" Sam pointed out. "Jack, that's exactly what she wants! She's been planning this the whole time."

"What do you mean 'the whole time'?" Dean inquired, crossing his arms.

"Think back to the beginning, w-when we first met Marty," Sam said, walking them through it. "Why were we in Copper Harbor?"

"For a ghost hunt," Jack answered, impatience leaking through his tone.

"You're right, but there was another case there. What was it?"

"Blood was being stolen from the hospital..." Cas said slowly as if remembering.

"Exactly! Exactly." Sam took a breath. "Now, that ghost in the viral video, who was it? Was it whoever's bones we burned?"

"No, it was..." Jack made the connection. Why hadn't he noticed that before? "It was Isaac."

"Okay, so that means..." He trailed off.

"That Marty was lying about the hunt and the bones," Cas finished.

"Right, now why would she do that?"

"I dunno, professor. Maybe so we wouldn't torch her brother?" Dean rolled his eyes.

Sam pursed his lips, sighing. "Well, yes, b-but no! This isn't about Isaac, this is about Marty. What would she have been hiding?"

"The blood theft," Cas said decisively. Dean shook his head.

"That's a coincidence. Marty can't be - She can't-" He couldn't even say it. He could hardly think it. "Marty can't be a vampire."

***

"Castiel was harder," I continued. "Aside from the fact that he's a multi-billion-year-old cosmic being, Castiel also lacks a soul. That made tapping into his emotions significantly more difficult, but once I did that it was quite clear that I could never fool him. At least, not directly. He's intelligent, not easily deceived, and he always tries to do what he thinks is best. Whatever that course of action might be, more often than not, it hasn't been the right one.

"Castiel is, primarily, a screw-up. There's a lot of history and even more drama involving his fellow angels and the Winchesters, and he has consistently attempted to fight for both sides of the war between them. His torn loyalties have caused a great many more problems than they've fixed and it seems as though any attempt to fix one of said problems breeds yet more chaos. Castiel is rebellious. He can never seem to do what he's supposed to. So, naturally, that makes him the most dangerous piece on the board.

"When Castiel sets his mind on something, there isn't much that can sway him. His actions have proven, repeatedly I might add, that he is even willing to go behind the backs of the Winchesters if he believes it's for the greater good. But his destructive pattern stops only for the one person he's never betrayed. Thus, to fool Castiel one has to fool his son.

"So, I got my hands on Jack."

***

"Why not?" Cas snapped.

"'Cause she just can't!" Dean's voice broke.

"She single-handedly killed five vampires, Dean! Remember?" Cas pressed. "There's no way a mere child her age could have done that."

Jack shook his head, refusing to believe it. "Marty can't be a vampire. Dad, she just can't be."

Castiel sighed, his eyes soft. "I know you want to believe that."

"Why shouldn't we?" Dean challenged.

"Because she killed five vampires single handedly! What part of that escapes your understanding?!" Cas repeated with frustration.

"We don't know what happened in there!" Dean persisted.

"Exactly! WE DON'T KNOW!" Cas yelled.

"THEN WE CAN'T ACCUSE, CAN WE?" Dean shouted back. Jack flinched again and Cas took notice, forcibly relaxing his posture in hopes of reassuring his son.

Sam groaned. "Look at the facts, Dean. The research!"

"Damn the research, Sammy! This is Marty! We know her!"

"We know she's an empath!" Sam spat. "She's been playing with all our emotions, we know that! We need to look at this objectively and, as hard as that might be, it means looking at the facts!"

"What about the facts?" Dean asked reluctantly.

"Think about it," The younger brother said. "W-we did the research, remember? Remember how none of it lined up?"

"Yeah, because Felix messed with it!" Dean tried.

"Not all of it," Sam pointed out, "Marty said she was nine when she died, but her youngest brother was ten. Remember that? How could she have been younger than her youngest sibling?"

"Sam, that-"

"Because she wasn't, Dean," He hissed, "She wasn't nine. Marty was sixteen."

"I-I remember..." Dean froze, his eyes flicking up to meet his brother. "Sammy..." He said, his voice tense and shaking, "How did I forget that?"

Dread coated Castiel's tone as he answered instead.

"I think she wanted us to."

***

"Jack is a very special boy," I said, sarcasm lacing my tone. "Although, he is the offspring of a fallen archangel, so I'd assume that 'special' comes rather naturally. Thanks for that clue, by the way. It would have taken me much longer to figure him out if it wasn't for that itty bitty little detail."

"You would have gotten it regardless." Felix shrugged.

"Of course I would've!" I snorted, shaking my head. "I didn't think my abilities were of any question."

"They weren't," Felix replied. "I know what you're capable of, lassie."

I smirked devilishly. "You should." Felix's hand clenched into a fist and he sent me a tight smile.

"Indeed." He forced the word through his teeth. "Which is why I'm surprised you enlisted to lie to that boy so completely. Doesn't that violate whatever moral code of Donoghue's it is that you've adopted?" I nodded and shrugged with a sigh.

"You're right, it does. Jack is in many senses young and vulnerable and on top of that, he's dreadfully naïve. He could never deserve what I did to him." I huffed out a humorless laugh as my face twisted into a sneer. "But you do. So I made an exception."

Felix shook his head as if disappointed. "Now, now, Martina. When one has a goal, one does not make exceptions. Lest they desire to fail, of course. Only hypocrites make exceptions. Did I teach you nothing?"

"I'm not like you," I spat.

"Is that what it looks like from where you sit?" He mused quietly. I flashed him a barred toothed grin and continued.

"There's only one that Jack Kline truly wants in this world. He wants to be good - to prove to himself and those around him that despite his parentage, he can be good. He's been told that there's something wrong with him, so he wants to find a way to somehow purge it. But he can't because there's nothing wrong and there never was. Yet, he can't believe that. So it leaves him with an insatiable desire to please.

"It's pathetic, really. He seeks validation in everything. He thinks he has to be useful to be loved. Otherwise, he's just a burden, one that nobody wanted. Jack doesn't want to believe that; he wants to be told that isn't true. Jack Kline may be powerful but he's also soft - moldable if you will. See, he's so haplessly needy that it's honestly sickening. He'll do anything for you to tell him what he wants to hear. And he'll do anything to keep hearing it.

"Jack is a combination of his three guardians. He's desperate. Like Dean, he doesn't want to see what's right in front of him. But he's not stupid. I had to erase his memory more than once. Then, like Sam, I simply distracted him and, much like Castiel, I had to keep him in line by appealing to that insatiable need of his. To fool Jack Kline one has to give him someone to save.

"He thinks he's saving me." I smiled fondly when I'd finished, glancing up at Felix with a challenge in my gaze.

"Well, we both know that's impossible," He said, eyeing me with a smirk, "There's nothing left in that cold shell of yours worth saving." I grinned, showing him the insane thing he'd created.

"You're damn right."

***

Then, like a memory, there were words running through Jack's head. Words and voices, but he didn't remember hearing them.

'You said you were nine then! But y-you - you weren't!' That was his voice in his ears. But Jack couldn't remember saying those words. 'You haven't aged a day... Five years and you haven't aged a day.'

'I aged about a month, actually.'

The other voice was Marty. The words buzzed like static, making his headache. Jack shook his head. It was like Deja Vue but entirely more vivid. Sam, Dean, and Cas kept talking. It was hard to hear them through the ringing in his ears.

"Cas, are you saying she can wipe memories?" Dean asked.

"I'm not sure," Castiel replied, shaking his head. "But she can certainly suppress them."

"But it-it must only work when she's around b-because when she's gone - I know for me - When Marty's not around I-I start to remember," Sam said.

The ringing in Jack's ears intensified, making him groan and grasp at his head. He clamped his hands over his ears but the ringing only grew louder. It was like angel radio, but instead of being surrounded by fire, Jack felt like he was burning from the inside out.

"Jack?" Cas was calling his name. "What's going on?"

"I-I don't- I-" Jack gasped, the pain growing stronger. "It hurts! Dad, please make it stop!"

"Jack? JACK!"

He stumbled into Cas's arms as another blurred memory hit him like a train.

'I'm gonna need you to forget that,' Marty's voice whispered in his head. She sounded so gentle, so inviting. She sounded like a spider.

'I wish I could,' His own voice shook as Jack listened to himself say words he couldn't remember speaking. It felt like a memory that didn't belong to him.

There was more to it this time. There was a picture frame, but the picture inside was out of focus. There was an image. It was Martina. She had fangs. And there was something else too. Jack could feel it like a phantom pain. It was terror. The paralyzing kind. The feeling of being trapped. Jack felt the shadow of limbs and he couldn't move. He was trapped. Jack couldn't get out. He was trapped like a fly in a web. Marty was the spider. He couldn't get away. He couldn't get away from her.

She wouldn't let him.

'I can make you forget,' She was going to hurt him. ' Take us back to the night we met. '

'What do you mean?' His voice asked cautiously. He was scared. He was so scared. He couldn't get out.

'I'm going to talk to you, and then you're going to forget, and everything will be back to the way it was.'

'You're a monster.' He'd said

The ringing in Jack's ears faded and he bolted upright, gasping and shaking as panic set in. He needed to tell Sam, Dean, and Castiel what he'd remembered but he couldn't seem to find the words.

"S-She lied." That was all he could force out.

"Jack, what happened? Are you okay?" Castiel worried, checking over him. Jack just shook his head.

"She did something to me," He choked out, shaking. "I don't know. I can't remember. Why can't I remember? She did something to me!" He felt sick. There was something wrong with him.

No.

There was something wrong with Marty.

She was sick.

"What? What did she do?" Dean demanded, eyes wide.

"She-She made me forget. I knew. I-I knew and she made me forget!"

"Forget what?" Sam asked.

"I figured her out a-and she made me forget but I remembered." Jack stopped and only then did he realize he was crying. "She's one of them."

Because she had betrayed him. Marty had betrayed all of them. Jack didn't even know what to believe anymore. Had any of it been real? Or was it all some twisted lie?

"I'm sorry, Jack," Cas offered quietly.

"You were right, Sam," Jack whispered. He couldn't stop his voice from shattering. "Martina is a monster. A-And she lied."

There was silence for a moment. Then, Dean spoke up. Because someone had to take the lead and it was always him. It wasn't fair, but it was always him.

"We gotta go," He said, struggling to make his voice sound cold and firm. But he'd lost a daughter today.

"W-Where?" Sam asked.

"Me and Cas know where Felix is taking Marty. That kid's got some answering to do," Dean answered, his green eyes darkening with his tone. Castiel stood, helping Jack climb to his feet.

"Martina is dangerous, Dean. Are you sure you're willing to do what may be necessary?" Cas asked, watching Dean with a somber expression.

"It's not gonna come to that," Dean said.

"And if it does?"

"I will." Jack's voice was quiet but it caught the adult's attention.

"Jack, are you- Are you really sure?" Cas asked gently. Jack shook his head.

"I don't want to kill Martina. But you're right, she is dangerous." His voice faltered. "I can't let her hurt anybody else."

***

Felix's limo pulled into the garage of what was easily a multi-million dollar home. It was four stories and it reminded me of a castle with its dull grey stone and tall windows. The interior of the garage was constructed simply of polished cement and was entirely empty aside from the car now parked within it. I sent Felix a smirk and climbed from the vehicle, slamming the door shut behind me. The car was surrounded. Twenty or so of Felix's vamps stood guard but I knew they were more for display than anything else. Some of them I recognized, some I didn't.

"And here I thought this little girl's night was just gonna be you and me," I huffed dramatically upon seeing them, "You had me feeling all special."

"Sorry to disappoint, Lassie," Felix drawled. "But don't worry, I invited some of your friends too. Well, just one to be exact."

I shot him a curious glance but shrugged before sauntering my way past Felix's lackeys like I owned the place. I supposed I had, but that was so long ago. Were his minions really still so afraid of me? I surveyed one of the vamps as I passed him, taking notice of the bead of sweat dripping down his neck. He was clearly terrified.

So, they remembered who their queen was. Good.

Spinning on my toe like a ballerina, I let a bubbling laugh escape my throat. All of Felix's soldiers turned to face me, watching with careful eyes.

"Hello, Lovelies!" I called, grinning. A few of them shifted nervously. "Just thought you all should know, both your beloved Prince and Princess are dead! I killed them!" Murmurs spread around the empty garage, echoing off the polished grey walls. "That's right! Boyd's head I ripped off with a tractor, though I'm sure your leader was glad to finally be rid of his bastard son." I glanced at Felix who stood there stoically and winked. "I knew about that, by the way. As for Elwyn, I had the Devil's son snap her into dust like Peter Parker in Infinity War. 'Cept she ain't comin' back!" I giggled in reaction to the horrified expressions of Felix's soldiers and send the man himself a smirk before whipping around again.

"Ye know, Martina?" His voice made me pause though I kept my back to him. "I look at you and I don't see anyone looking back..." He trailed off, his tone thoughtful. "Where is that soul you used to have?"

"Just like I told your daughter, I lost it in the woods in favor of something else. You wanted me to learn something and I learned it!" I eyed him over my shoulder. "You never should have sent me there."

"I know that now." Felix sounded almost solemn. "Whatever Sampson brought back with him wasn't the girl I tossed in, was it?"

I shrugged. "That's where you're wrong. It's still me. Like I said, I just learned something over there is all."

"And what did you learn?" He wondered.

"That you were wrong."

"It doesn't seem I was," He said. I chuckled softly.

"You said I was made to be a queen. You were wrong."

"Aye?"

"I'm not a queen, Monroe." I turned to face him. "I'm a damn Empress." I grinned. "And, honey, you should see me in your crown."

I didn't bother to watch his expression. I just turned and walked.

Pushing my way through the garage door, I skipped down a long, dark hallway decorated with dark wooden pieces that I was sure had cost more money than they were worth. I smirked upon hearing Felix's footsteps trailing behind me. Whirling around and walking backward, I grinned at my former torturer.

"Got anything you didn't wanna say in front of your minions?" I taunted.

"I do, actually." He huffed a laugh that held no humor. "For the record, I'm sorry."

My expression soured. "No you're not."

"I am, truly." He placed his hand over his heart in a gesture of sincerity. "I apologize for my greed and my stupidity. I unleashed you upon this world; that will be my greatest regret, I think. I made you into a plague and I lost control over you."

"You never controlled me," I hissed.

"And I the second I realized that I should have put you down," Felix said. "I just hope the Winchester's don't make the same mistake."

I shook my head. "That's the think, Felix. They will."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not." He shrugged.

"I guess I'll find out, won't I? So! Where's this friend of mine?" I asked, rubbing my hands together.

"Two doors down on your right," Felix answered. I glanced at the door he was referring to then back to him.

"Ooh, goodie. Before I open it, why do I get a present?"

Felix shrugged. "Call it a joke."

I nodded. "Dope."

Then I skipped over to the dark wooden door and grasped the handle. It wasn't locked, of course, so I pulled it open. I didn't look for traps. I knew Felix would never stoop that low. The room was pitch black and there were no windows, but I found the light switch easily enough. Bright fluorescent bulbs flicked on and washed the space with light.

Sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of the room, was a rather muscular man. His arms and legs were tied to the chair and his head was tilted down. I may not have been able to see his face, but I would have recognized that old, grungy cap almost anywhere. I crossed the space between us and tapped him on the shoulder. The man inclined his head, squinting against the light, but when he caught a glance of my face, his usually bright eyes filled with terror.

I had forgotten how fun it was to instill that level of fear. I smirked.

"Hey there, Benny! I haven't seen you since the Hunger Games!"

~We'll never get free Lamb to the slaughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water? The price of your greed Is your son and your daughter What you gon' do When there's blood in the water?

Beg me for mercy Admit you were toxic You poisoned me just for Another dollar in your pocket Now I am the violence I am the sickness Won't accept your silence Beg me for forgiveness~

Lyrics from: Blood In The Water by grandson

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filmmakerdreamst · 3 years

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How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall

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betafibiiiiiivviiixiiixxixxxiv · 3 years

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so i saw a take about eula that made me mad so here’s my (biased) rant about her

i’m pro-end user license agreement, i think she’s cute, not just appearance-wise but personality-wise too

(didn’t pull her tho bc the kinda obvious powercreeping made me salty, might pull her when her rerun comes around just to have her and not level her)

but basically the gist of this rant is gonna be i think people unfairly mischaracterize her and i’m gonna talk about why i think she’s a good bean based on the two things about her that i’ve seen people mention they dislike the most: the way she talks and her relationship to/feelings about her family

disclaimer: a lot of this is my opinion and my interpretation of her character, probably has a lot of typos

this will probably be really like

incomprehensible i’m tired sorry but i’ll try to make sense

okay so

a lot of people from what i’ve seen dislike eula bc of the way she talks, but at least try to understand why she might talk the way she does

putting aside the reason why she talked the way she did to the people of mondstadt during her story quest (i’ll get to that later), let’s talk about her whole focus on vengeance first

imo her whole thing about vengeance is a shield of sorts for her

many of the people of mondstadt would only ever see her as a descendant of the lawrence clan, someone who means to do mondstadt harm

so might as well give them what they expect, even if it’s not what you really mean

her story in her character profile even says this

“Her grievances and vengeance are but a habit, a signal, a shield.

“What remarks she should just laugh off, what concepts she should bear in mind given her unique circumstances and position...“

one has to remember that eula is a descendant of the lawrence clan, a clan that is hated in mondstadt bc of how corrupted they became during the era of the aristocracy

it’s likely that when she was a child she was ostracized even though the sins of her family, her ancestors, aren’t her own

even if she wanted to make friends with the other children of mondstadt, they were probably too distrustful of her

in her story in her character profile, there’s no mention of jean or diluc in regards to her past, but amber is mentioned to have been her friend even before eula joined the knights of favnious

it’s likely amber was one of her few friends growing up, if not her only friend

and amber is a pretty easy-going and welcoming person; she probably didn’t care about the way eula spoke all that much and bc they’re friends she understands the feelings eula hides behind her seemingly contentious words

anyways about her and the people of mondstadt

the people of mondstadt only see the family she’s a part of; they don’t see her

from her profile story:

“Eula has been viewed with contempt by the citizens of Mondstadt since birth. The Lawrence name stands for a legacy of depravity and despotism that stains Mondstadt's past and scars the minds of its citizens even to this day.

“So, whenever Eula appears, old wounds resurface. People despise the aristocracy, and this does no favors for her reputation.”

“In truth, Eula is nothing like the fearsome predator many imagine her to be. On the contrary, constantly being met with prejudice at every turn means she is often the victim.

“At one time, shops would refuse to sell her their goods, restaurants would put no care and attention into her orders, and the citizens on her patrol route would refuse to cooperate with her. So, Eula's work is fraught with difficulties.“

and in her voicelines:

“The life of a Lawrence doesn't include much worth talking about... Basically, whatever you say, whatever you do, people will always despise you and treat you like a potential threat to society. It's nowhere near as bad as it used to be, though. Before I'd joined the Knights, good grief... I couldn't even buy groceries. Even Good Hunter and Mondstadt General Goods wouldn't take my money.”

“People tell me that if I just spoke more softly, or was more polite, or acted more deferentially, others may find it easier to forgive me, but the only reason they think that way is because they've never been branded a pariah before. There is no easy path to redemption when you're a social pariah. I'm more inclined to stop tiptoeing around everyone all the time and just get out there and make them respect me the old-fashioned way! As in, we square off and if they win, I humbly accept my punishment, but if they lose, they must acquiesce to my demands... Such as... Well, I mean, if I want to buy a loaf of bread, take my darn money, for crying out loud!“

the people of mondstadt wronged her and were mean to her simply bc of the blood that runs through her veins, and i think it’s bc of that she says that she’ll have her vengeance

imo her act of vengeance against the people of mondstadt is being a faultless knight, a knight who completes their duties flawlessly and is without reproach

from her story in her profile:

“...she is a law-abiding citizen and has never harmed another Mondstadter in her life. She may come across as having a somewhat frosty demeanor, but she is entirely scrupulous in her speech and conduct.”

“When Jean sends a new recruit to track down Eula in the wilds and deliver a new set of verbal orders, they always receive the same response: ‘If you have to resort to tasking the descendant of your former oppressors with doing your work, then perhaps you are not as strong as I thought’

“But despite the antagonism in her words, she will complete her newly assigned tasks to perfection. The new recruit is invariably forced to admit that with her abilities, it is no wonder she was able to achieve a captaincy within just a few years of joining the Knights.“

and honestly i just think she’s a tsundere

my evidence, your honor?

her “About Us: Feud” voiceline:

“Our feud is for the long term, so rather than get payback on a piecemeal basis, I think I'll make things easier for myself and wait for a day when I can settle the score once and for all. It could be in ten years, could even be twenty... But don't worry, I won't forget. In the meantime, I'll need you to take good care of yourself and have a happy, healthy life, okay?”

anyways about the way she spoke in her story quest

one first has to learn that this was what she was taught that way since she was young

reading up on the lawrence family based on her profile story, the renmants of the lawrence family are pretty much a cult i think

“The Lawrence Clan may have been overthrown a long time ago, but they have never given up hope of one day rising again and reclaiming their place as the ruling class. So that they are always prepared for this monumental moment, their offspring are subjected to an educational regime so unbelievably harsh that it is considered borderline abusive.

“’Noble obligations’ must be performed to absolute perfection in every possible sense, and these obligations cover etiquette, ritual, and study as well as cooking and other domestic chores.”

and also

she clearly doesn’t talk that way all the time?

personally the reason i think the mondstadters we talked to were like ‘ugh, this again?’ is bc all of the lawrence clan does it, and eula is part of the lawrence clan so it’s like, expected of her to talk that way

but the main reason she talked that way was to give an example to the traveler

she didn’t talk that way to us when we first met her, and she didn’t talk that way to amber and sarah

and some people think she still supports her family? like man

i don’t know if we went through the same story quest or not

but eula quite clearly ruined a plan of her uncle’s that was to harm mondstadt? and during that quest she quite clearly shows her disdain for her family and her family’s ideals?

“I’ve never experienced the age of ‘glory’ you always speak of, and I’ve never understood our family’s incessant pursuit of it. [...] The Lawrence Clan should never and will never become what you’ve dreamed it to be!”

not to mention her voicelines where she makes fun of her family often:

“Knights and aristocrats share the same cultural heritage, but the knights had enough sense to do away with all the superfluous detail.“

“Aristocratic etiquette is all just for show... Just smile and nod along! I was forced to learn all of the rules by heart, but even I don't take them that seriously.”

“I heard that bard sing a few songs about the Lawrence Clan... They were lighthearted and funny stories that mocked the clan in a way I've never heard anyone else do. Even I couldn't help but burst out laughing... And for this, he must pay!”

“Technically, aged Dandelion Wine should be poured into a silver goblet and allowed to breathe for 12 minutes, then you're supposed to add ice cubes, ideally so 60% of the ice is submerged beneath the wine. I refuse to do all that though, it's not worth the hassle.”

and not to mention this voiceline where she outright states that if her family crossed the line she’d end her family herself:

“If my family members refuse to change their corrupt ways, or worse, continue to cause active harm in Mondstadt... I should be the one to end them, along with the Lawrence name itself. For once, it'd be a family obligation I'd actually enjoy. And once the deed was done, I'd be free to pick any name I wanted. Or even let you pick one for me!“

also about her saying she wants to avenge her kin in her voicelines, (this is me kinda reaching, ngl) imo it could just be her sarcasm, or she could be trying to change mondstadt’s view of the lawrence clan so that others in the family like her who aren’t as attatched to the aristocratic customs and share her beliefs can walk freely in mondstadt’s streets without fear of reprisal, which can be evidenced by this voiceline:

“The name Lawrence only became a social stigma after the clan fell from grace. It was once an honor to be called a Lawrence, but unfortunately, most people have forgotten about that part of history. The Grand Master says that I am performing rather well as a knight, and that if it's not enough to restore the honor of the Lawrence name, it's certainly a strong rebuttal against the one-sided opinions so many people throw around. I'm quite satisfied with that appraisal.“

furthermore based on her voiceline about barbara, i’m pretty sure she wants to be liked? to be acknowledged in a good way?

“Everyone loves her. What's her secret? Maybe I could learn a thing or two from her... Hmm, or maybe not. I can't imagine a ‘Shining Idol’ would want anything to do with a descendant of a depraved dynasty.“

like, she doesn’t want to be thought of as just a descendant of the lawrence clan

she wants to be known for who she is, not her family

i think this is why she avoids lisa too, since lisa would have read all about her family and she doesn’t want lisa’s judgement

lastly, what she learned from amber’s grandfather, found in her profile story:

“From him, she learned an open-mindedness and down-to-earth persistence that she had heretofore not possessed. Before grievance and vengeance, before clan and outsider, one must find "oneself" first.

“One's way of living, self-preservation, objects of perseverance...

“Then call it "grievance" and name it "vengeance" — that will not change its essential strength and goodness.

“It would be Eula's very own gentle path of revenge...“

she didn’t turn against the people of mondstadt and join her family in their crusade for glory even though the people of mondstadt treated her horribly

she instead strove to be someone worthy of being respected, someone who is more than just a part of a disgraced and despised family

anyways i think that’s all i wanted to say

basically tldr: end user license agreement is a sweet and gentle person and i like her very much

#genshin impact #beta’s genshin ranting #eula

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duxhess-kryzewan · 3 years

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please write satine/siri/obi-wan oh my gosh!!!

- Types -

Satine was not a jealous woman.

There were a few things that were very unbecoming of a Duchess. Jealously was certainly one of them, and she had always been very keen on keeping her emotions - especially one so negative - in check. After all, jealousy never helped anything.

Really, she should be jealous of Siri Tachi. The galaxy had presented her with perhaps the only other person Obi-Wan Kenobi had ever harbored some form of feelings for.

But the other woman was so polite and welcoming that she had a hard time hating her.

That too would be rather unbecoming.

In light of recent years, specifically the rekindling of their romance, she had learned not to doubt his feeling for her. They were as genuine as hers for him despite the circumstances being what they were. It was clear to both of them that they would never have an orthodox relationship, and that at any given point the universe could force them apart, but for now they were making die with what they had been given.

“This is Siri.” He had said when she arrived at the Senate building. He had explained how she had been on a months long excursion on the outer rim with her former master, and that she had only just returned.

Clearly they were quite good friends.

“Pleasure to meet you, Master Tachi.”

The other woman had smiled; a grin so warm that she couldn’t help but smile back.

“The pleasure is mine, your grace. Obi-Wan often talks about the era of peace you brought to Mandalore. A noble accomplishment.”

Something flutters in her chest and for a brief moment she wonders just what he says about her when she isn't around.

"Thank you, truly. It means a great deal to have supporters of my cause. The senate often isn't."

Siri glances over at Obi-Wan, eyebrow raised in amusement, "You certainly weren't lying," She looks back to Satine, "He had told me you were very firm in your efforts to stay out of the war."

She recalls a conversation they had during their year on the run. Obi-Wan had told her about the feelings he once had for Siri. He and the other Jedi had been friends since they were children at the temple. More than once during their training with their respective Masters did they end up working together. Somewhere, he had said, the mutual admiration and respect they harbored for one another grew into something a bit more.

But they were young then. Much too immature and focused on their futures to ever allow it to go farther than mutual affection. Becoming Jedi was much too important to the both of them to ever jeopardize that chance.

She didn't know what it said about herself knowing that he almost gave it all up to be with her.

Siri tucks a lock of sandy hair behind her ear and for a moment Satine has to refrain from laughing. It didn't take much to recognize that Obi-Wan has a type, if their blonde tresses and blue eyes were anything to go by.

"I've found you have to be in the midst of wartime."

Something flashes across the other woman's eyes for a moment; the slightest tinge of sadness at the mention of the war. It seemed she too was less than supportive of the ongoing violence.

She really would never be able to dislike this woman.

Siri reaches out towards her, gripping onto her hand and giving a reassuring , "Your efforts do not go unnoticed by us who want to protect the galaxy; I do hope you know that."

In another life perhaps - whether she been born a Jedi or Siri been born a Mandalorian - they would have been friends.

Satine smiles, "Thank you, master Tachi."

Siri nods respectfully, "Its been a pleasure to finally meet you, but if you'll excuse me, I have to go prepare for a departure with the 313th legion soon."

The Jedi master turns to walk away, but stops herself before she takes another step and looks to an unusually quiet Obi-Wan. A look is passed between them, an expression that only the two worn torn Jedi would be able to understand. Satine knows it's a message she'll never be able to read; a secret understanding between two fighters battling a war.

Siri reaches her hand out and places it on his shoulder. Even from the few feet of space between them she could make out just how firmly her fingers gripped on to him.

"Take care of yourself Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan nods and places his hand on top of her own, squeezing it for a fraction of a second, "Be safe, Siri."

Satine watches as Siri makes her way down the hall and away from them. She wonders, briefly, if her affections for Obi-Wan still lingered within her. Her heart aches for the other woman at the thought; she too knows how hard it is to walk away from him.

"Would you like me to escort you back to your suite, Duchess?"

His voice pulls her out of the trance she found herself in and suddenly she realizes that they're still in the Senate building, surrounded by people less than privy to their entanglements.

"I suppose I can allow it."

Her offers her his arm which she graciously accepts. It felt right; her hand wrapped around the crook of his elbow while he lead her through the winding halls of the building. If she tries hard enough she can make herself believe they're strolling through the halls of Sundari palace, free from the constraints of their duties.

Reality swiftly moves in though.

"I like her." Satine finally says as they step into the elevator.

"People like Siri are rare," He says, "She's very pure of heart; something that's hard to find in times of war."

"I see why the two of you get along so well then." She notes. Obi-Wan was as altruistic as they come, something she too found to be a rarity.

"You're a rarity too."

His gaze falls to the floor. if she looked closely, she would be able to make out the blush hidden behind red stubble. Even now, years later, he still reverted back to a nervous Padawan when paying her a compliment. She would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy his nervousness.

"As are you, dearest."

He looks up just as the elevator doors slide open and grins at her before leading her gently into the hallway. She had long since dismissed her guards upon their arrival, stating that she was more than well protected while inside the Senate provided suites.

In reality it just made sneaking him in much easier.

He shuts the door behind them, and she's already working on unraveling her hair from it's ornate hair piece.

"She's very fond of you, you know." She comments.

His expression is hard to read; a mix somewhere between curious and confused.

"Siri and I have known each other for a long time," He says, walking closer to her, "She's certainly saved my life a time or two. I'm rather grateful she was at my side at times."

"Well then I too am grateful," Satine says, smiling at him, "I rather like having you around."

Obi-Wan laughs before pressing a kiss to her forehead. She tries to visit Coruscant as often as she can, though never as often as she would like. It had been almost half a year since they had seen one another.

Satine stands on her tip-toes and catches his mouth with her own, smiling against his lips.

"I feel compelled to point out that you, Obi-Wan Kenobi, certainly have a type."

He abruptly pulls away from her, "I beg your pardon?"

She cups his face between her hands and laughs, "It's not by sheer coincidence that every woman you've ever had fancied are blue eyed blondes; and I have a feeling Master Tachi is just as steadfast in her convictions as I am."

She really should not like the woman.

He lets out a deep breath and she suddenly realizes that he had been nervous since the moment she ran into them.

"Siri is a valued ally friend," He finally says, taking one of her hands in his own and bringing it to his lips, "But I do hope you know that whatever affection I harbored for her in my youth is nothing more than respect and admiration now, and there's certainly only one person I fancy in all the galaxy."

Trusting Obi-Wan was never a difficult decision for her. She trusted him with her life, heart, and soul. Even in the fleeting moments of insecurity she felt in the other woman's presence, she knew Obi-Wan would never intentionally do anything to harm her feelings. Or Siri's, for that matter.

"You're in luck then, Master Kenobi," She whispers, draping her arms lovingly around his shoulders, "Because I very much fancy you too."

He kisses her again and everything feels okay.

-----

Note: While I do love fics with Satine being a bit jealous over her Jedi Knight, I also think that Satine 100% would be down with supporting other women and not being petty because her man had a crush back when they were kids.

#obitine #obi wan x satine #obi wan and satine #satine x obi wan #obitine prompt #obitine fluff #satine would 100% be nothing but nice to siri #satine and siri being not being enemies is woke as hell #i will protect her at all costs

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arkt-nehrim-archive · 3 years

Photo

A Story in Spring : Renewal {1/3}

"I have a proposition for you."

The walls of the fallen seraph's humble hut had so far been something of a passive comfort, yet Lithirill found no sense of ease. Her host, and fellow Tel'lmaltath could certainly tell, eyeing her with some hint of concern, slowly rising to his full height, turning to face her once the fire had suitably caught. "Go on."

The encouraging mannerism was commonplace in their interactions thus far, but it didn't do much to make her desirous of speaking her mind, as images played in her head of all she had been plotting in secret, only thinking to bring the matter to him when she -knew- beyond a doubt she could -achieve- her goals. "It is a...personal matter, to you specifically. I hesitate to even ask, truthfully." At that notion, her company raised a sculpted brow. How he might've read her words differed from what she seemed to mean by her body language; a normally stood straight, confident woman now half hunched and barely maintaining eye contact. He simply watched, resting a hand along his hip. It was the only prompt to continue she was going to get. "...Right. -Arkt-. I will speak plainly." even then she hesitated, a sigh accompanying an expression of complete honesty, "...I want to reconstruct your wings. I would see you fly again."

There weren't many things reality could offer him that still surprised, but that had done it, the gentle carefulness in her tone most of all. It wasn't just an offer, but a plea. Arkt's gaze fell to his floorboards, called back to the moment she had seen the tattered remnants, and the conversation that followed where he learned much and more about the individual he chose to champion. Her perseverance in the face of impossible odds had ensured his second chance at freedom from past mistakes, yet here she was still giving. It was not debt fueling her either, but desire, leading him to a thought forgotten sensation; confoundment.

Lithirill only fidgeted in the quiet, narrowing her eyes in passive calculation, half braced for some kind of impact. It took him some several moments to recover, clearing his throat. The ever-present ache at his back he'd still struggled with flared up. Even to this day, the injury pained him, centuries "dead" had been his only reprieve.

"You are firmly familiar with the reasons I lost them in the first place..." he began, watching his company instinctively tense, ready for rejection; instead he would give her a question, "Knowing that, I must ask -why-? To what end would you go to such efforts?" Asked with genuine curiosity, over any manner of accusation; he suspected her of nothing.

Lithirill nodded, crossing her arms and easing her weight onto one leg. "History was one among a few reasons I have debated asking. As for why, well. I feel there are certain wrongs afflicted to those I’ve come to care for, and it is within my power to unravel those wrongs.”

Arkt watched her carefully crafted mask slipping, the woman ever at odds with herself. He wondered if there would ever be a time where she did not engage in the practice, and simply felt at home in his company.

"As you did with Arantheal?" he questioned, curious to see if he could keep her at that boundary.

Lithirill puzzled over the question for a moment, pondering if it was harmless comparison or an accusation. Foolish to think it the latter, knowing Arkt had no history of resisting her intent.

"...Yes. As I did -for- Narathzul." She corrected, offering a sideways nod and a shrug, "Know I don't need an answer -today-. I only wanted you to know that the idea lingered in mind long enough to...plan for.”

Ultimately, Arkt was touched. Shock still kept a whirlwind of emotions at bay at the mere hint of taking to the skies again, permitting the warmth of the smile behind his veil to only grow as he watched her. She was not having so easy a time, clearly having wrestled with herself on the matter for awhile.

"Is this what has kept you from your usual visits of late?" he wondered, gesturing with a hand in a motion pushing down from his midsection; 'Relax.' he said silently.

Her eyes followed his hand, flicking up to his face like the lash of a serpent's tongue before she took in a breath and let it out, chuckling to herself.

"In part. Alongside the politicking and the visits somewhere warmer. Thoughts?"

He sighed through his nose as he partly answered with the considering tilt of his head and a prolonged shutting of his eyes, continuing to chew on the notion.

"Too many to rightly voice in a manner composed or remotely understandable. Would you mind returning to Castle Darlan for the moment? I'll have an answer for you come the evening."

"Of course.~"

The professional manner in which she pulled herself together and turned from him showed a wall climbing between them that he had no patience for, the old seraph chuckling when she moved to open the door.

"Lithirill."

She twitched, shoulders bunching as her fingers fumbled at the doorknob, before she straightened again and smiled a familiar, shy curve over her shoulder. Her eyes lit up a touch when she saw he’d pulled down his veil.

"Yes?"

"...Thank you." he spoke, genuine appreciation clear in his expression.

A hint of color, and the wall scattered; his only goal in the moment. She departed with an amused, "See you soon.", quickly on her way.

~~~ As promised, Arkt had arrived that evening, uncharacteristically anxious, but Lithirill could hardly blame him. She could not imagine the weight of what her offer truly meant to him.

In times long gone, the loss of his wings, however deeply traumatic, had served a purpose; symbols had power, as much in their creation as their destruction and his fall signaled the end of an era where the Lightborn could rule without fear of repercussion. Yet now that all his battles were over, and this new life lay before him...

It was not long before the old seraph was waxing poetic, teetering back and forth in his words, as was his way. He all but danced between every sentence- whilst Lithirill only offered more wine when his glass neared empty. She refused to rush him in coming to a decision, simply enjoying his company, equal parts devilishly curious and genuinely empathetic.

Such camaraderie came to it's end at the dawn of the following day, Arkt admitting in the quiet of the morning fog that he accepted her offer; even with her many warnings of risk and pain, he had seen firsthand what she was capable of; he knew he was in good hands, even if a fair few of her achievements were with his shadowed aid.

Two weeks had passed since he agreed to her offer, wasting no time in getting started. The first bout had been the hardest thus far- having not yet known just how -much- it took to render a seraph numb, and having the unfortunate task of plucking the feathers he still had. A meticulous, painful, unexpectedly bloody process...but it was safer to start with a clean slate than try to rebuild all that was under them when half the limb had been shorn down to bare bone.

Trippling the dosages from there made things much easier, at least for Arkt. His struggle was not with pain in the familiar sense now, it came instead from a nameless sensation; the agonizingly slow return of what should never be, able to sense every -tiny- thread of what was lost reconnect. It was as torturous as it was euphoric, and it could only be overcome by sheer force of will.

Tonight would be no different. Lithirill had learned his tells after a few sessions. When in the throes of her spell work, she could spare little attention for observance, but awareness returned as she dialed back, murmuring gentle nothings mostly for her own comfort; though it signaled to Arkt he could stop taking such measured breaths.

The touch of the Sea crept away like the retreating tide, Arkt opening hazy eyes, idly stretching his fingers. He knew well enough not to move until his companion told him to do so, watching her over his shoulder. There was a slight notion of fear that kept him from immediately looking upon his wings, naked and ghastly as they were. He only had eyes for Lithirill's face, noting the knitted brow and how she clicked her tongue when observing progress, pondering how to proceed.

"I'd hoped to have had bone completely covered by now..." she lamented, drawing again the magicked circles that held his wings in subtle regeneration between sessions, "I've underestimated how deeply the burns go. I should’ve-”

"You need not fret, Lithirill." Arkt spoke up, a look of assurance crossing fair features, "This shall take as long as it will take, and you have plenty to grapple with without adding the unnecessary elements of haste and worry.~"

"...Perhaps. Still, I don't savor putting you through further pain I could have avoided." she spoke idly, glad he could not feel it as she undid the slings above, gently moving the humble beginnings to rest on cushions whilst she worked tension from developing musculature.

"We went into this knowing it would be difficult. We will endure." he replied, his tone as much an attempt to comfort as it was a statement of fact; she was far too deep in it now to safely -stop-. "Which for you to manage, requires heady use of those flasks behind you, as I recall."

It was a gentle, but earnest jab to not neglect her own health whilst taking care of him. She might have been Tel'lmaltath, but healing at -this- level for such prolonged bouts tested the limits of even legendary resolves, and Arkt did not fancy the idea of a Shadow God turned Oorbaya.

Satisfied with her ministrations, she sighed and nodded, letting her hand trail down his back as she turned and gingerly stepped away to pluck a flask of Ambrosia from a stockpile. The edges of a smirk tugged at his lips as she made a show of drinking half the vial like it didn't taste awful, raising both brows at him in a silent 'satisfied?'.

"...-Thank- you." he muttered, humming a chuckle, "Do not lose sight of your own well being in concern for me. I must stress, we have nothing but time."

Lithirill tilted her head at him as her eyelids drooped, well accustomed now to the odd heated popping in her ears as the Ambrosia did its work, blanketing the red pressure in her head and quieting the skittering under her skin.

"-Now- whose fretting?" she teased, setting down the flask so she could help him to stand, not letting his wings droop as she supported them from the base, "I don't intend to go hurrying into the arms of the Blue Death, I promise. Come now.~"

Twas a short jaunt to the spare bedroom within her personal quarters, Arkt leading the way and Lithirill matching his steps. The seraph counted his blessings that his pride could not be so easily wounded as she settled his wings into yet another set of slings, these ones arranged to allow them to safely hang whilst he rested. He knew -she- worried about such mental troubles, but he was far too old and that much more taken by fascination in all she insisted upon doing for him to care for foolish things like shame.

"Tell me something, Lithirill." he said, eyes on her as she arranged the vials that would help him sleep, and come the morn, ease his pain, "What do you suppose I'm meant to do in return for all of this?"

The question was laced with an undertone of playfulness that reminded her of when the seraph had taken an almost catty tone in Arktwend, all but making -gossip- of the infatuation between those who'd brought Narathzul into the world. She could only raise a brow at him in plain curiosity, willfully stepping into whatever trap this might have been.

"That is hardly a matter to burden the likely recipient, don't you think? Or am I -supposed- to be reading between some manner of line here?" The teasingly scrutinizing gaze she leveled upon him was nothing to the coy look he gave her beneath the messy strands of his hair, the two locked in a quiet contest before she relented; as she always did where he was concerned. "...ponder and plot all you like, my friend. But hold to that patience you've assured me with. I would say it is early yet to be planning anything more than recovery." she offered.

Arkt sighed through his nose at that, uncapping the cork to her sleeping drought and drinking it down with a quick chaser of water. Her answer was as good as any. Ponder and plot indeed then.

"Fair enough. Rest well, when you find it." he bid gently, offering only a smile. For a would be God according to most's definition, who had seen millennia pass and returned even from -death-, he seemed to be handling the life of a crippled patient quite well.

Lithirill could only take that profound patience and trust in her ability to heart; ensure no matter her doubts that she'd finish the job.

She returned the evening farewell and meandered to her own bed, falling upon it like a stone. All too swiftly would the sun rise, and the pair would be again until their great task of renewal was complete. Lithirill could only hope she'd be done by Spring.

~Fin~

#Vynblr #VynSpringEvent #A Story In Spring #Nehrim #Enderal #Arkt #Lithirill Andethil #Post-Ending

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