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dzpenumbra · 9 months

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7/29/23

I'm "getting this over with" (in my not-so-positive words) because I want to go and give myself a deep tissue massage on my legs, and hopefully my back if I can reach it, before an early night to bed. The massage oil I ordered got here and I haven't had a chance to try it out. Tonight is the night.

Why tonight? I woke up after 2 hours of sleep at 8AM. I had this intense feeling that something happened. I really couldn't put my finger on it at all. I had no idea why I had woken up. I was exhausted, I had showered, I was good to sleep, I fell asleep somewhat quickly. But... something was off. And it was enough for me to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep.

I kept feeling compelled to look at my phone. So... I did. And I saw green, which means either a missed call or a missed text. I had missed a text from an old friend from college. One who I was a groomsman for at his first wedding. Who I hadn't talked to in 4 years... and when I did then, it was reconnecting after many years... And the last time I talked to him was the summer when... I was transforming, and smoking a ton of weed, and tapering off of meds unsupervised. And... I'm just going to say it. I had a lot of people close to me gaslight me into thinking that I was crazy in that period of time. Mostly because I was smoking a ton and having a lot of panic attacks, and experimenting with spiritual practices a lot and very openly. My family and one of my former best friends made very overt accusations that they were fearing I was "losing my mind", or "going manic" or something. When really... I was just starting to live again, and reconnect with my self and my imagination again, after being in an incredibly unhealthy relationship and mindset for way too long. It was really a surreal and blissful time in my life.

But I scrolled up to see the last texts we exchanged. There was an exchange where I told him I was sorry I had to get off the phone because someone showed up at my house. I have no idea who, and I guarantee that was the last exchange we had. But before that... was a very lengthy text from me that I didn't read the entirety of. It was at a time when I was rebuilding my life using some practices from Russel Brand's Mentors book, and some adopted 12 Step stuff that I picked up by proxy in mental health support groups. Basically, I reached out to people that I valued and hadn't spoken to in a long time, I tore my filters off entirely and I just poured my heart out. Said everything I needed to say, as though I was lying on my death bed.

I should be proud of that. I am embarrassed. The fact that none of those messages were really followed up on by anyone? In my recollection at least, maybe they did and I was just too high to remember. But I just... I see the long text. I remember it came from that summer. I flash back to the horrible accusations that my family and my "friend" made about me. For some reason... I side with them?! And then I reflexively start feeling super ashamed, like... "oh god, why did I do that. I don't even want to know what delusional shit I said." Like I had drunk texted someone or something, I guess.

But yeah, the text was from my college friend. He was a real blue collar guy, we used to play guitar together and went fishing a lot. He taught me how to play slide guitar with a Bic lighter, I introduced him to metal. When he used to drive trucks cross-country, he used to call me in the middle of the night (for my time zone) and we'd keep each other company until the wee hours of the morning just talking about life. I designed a full thigh tattoo for his ex-wife, it's by far my most impressive tattoo design, and the first one I did for another person other than myself (I think). But we haven't spoken in ages. He came over and visited my house in 2018 and went fishing with me at the pond I lived on, and stayed the night. One of only two visitors to ever stay the night in my guest room at the house I rented for 5 years. And that was that.

He was texting me saying he wanted a logo for his company and wanted to know if I wanted a paid gig. This is two gig opportunities in one month. It's hard to process. I... blew a gasket.

I wrote a full page google doc and split it into messages to my therapist which have still gone unanswered. And likely for the best, honestly... just writing it and getting it out to another person was exactly what I needed. (I feel like I should apologize to him, since I was looking for advice and I already made a decision... but I'm curious to see what he has to say.) I was upset that my friend was just approaching me all business-like. I felt like he was just throwing a bone to me out of pity, or doing what the last guy did and trying to like... get a budget piece done by me because I don't have any work right now... I don't have any viewers/followers... and like... I'm "a friend"... so... discount, right? <wink wink>

He wanted a design that was scalable. A logo. Graphic design. I have a degree in fucking acrylic painting. I haven't touched vector-based work since 2009. I don't even remember how Illustrator even works, I think I used it a total of two classes. I haven't even used an Adobe product in... god knows how long. But on top of that, I started getting super upset that... when people see an artist of any kind, they just assume you do graphic design. Like... if you are a pen and ink artist who has done B+W bird illustrations your whole life, you are apparently supposed to know how to work Illustrator and Photoshop. As though they're even the same medium. It made me angry. I told my therapist, it felt like if I went up to him and said, "hey man, you're a therapist, you could do physical therapy for me, right?"

After about an hour of freaking out and fuming, and sending the messages... I took like half an hour and got some food and really thought about it. What are my concerns? "I don't want to screw up, or make a sub-par product because of my lack of experience with a foreign medium." "I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to use the program, I don't know file formats, it's all new to me." "I want him to get the best quality end result that he's looking for."

So... in a moment of absolute brilliance that may have changed the course of my life... well, at least in a minor way... I decided to pull up a tutorial on Illustrator. Adobe offers a 7-day free trial with it, and then it's $21/month just for Illustrator. And I thought... hmm... I might be able to use this for like... making scalable vector assets for my visualizer program... hmm... So I watched the tutorial on Illustrator and holy fucking shit is it easy to use. It's basic shit. It's just... a different way of drawing, and it's mostly going to be tracing, so it's really not going to be an issue. The only issue I have is file formats and I can figure that out whenever. And being able to afford the program but like... it's 20 bucks, man. I can afford that, and I can just cancel after if I don't need it anymore.

I decided... in a moment of genius... to do exactly what I did with that long text message. But in response to the job offer. I told him it really meant the world to me that he kept me in mind for this, and I'd absolutely love to be involved in any capacity I can. I also disclosed that I had not worked in vector-based formats since 2009. But I told him that Adobe makes their shit very user-friendly these days and I'd be down to learn a new medium as long as he's aware that... that's what's happening.

I know it's apparently really common to lie on resumes or lie to clients and say you have experience that you don't... and then google your way through projects. Or just hope they don't notice. I can't bring myself to lie to people, friends or strangers alike. And that has resulted in me losing a lot of opportunities. But the step I took today? I put that decision in his hands. So he can make an educated, informed decision about the logo for his welding business. I did not exclude myself from the running. I did not say "sorry, no, I'm not qualified for that. Thanks for thinking of me, though." I said fucking "yes, but this is the whole picture, is this picture okay with you?" And he confirmed. He was talking very business through text, which was kinda awkward for me, honestly. It... felt a bit like... home... <shudder> But I'm sure that's just... him trying to be professional because he's a business owner now, and holy shit and I goddamn proud of him for it. He is one of the two hardest workers I have known my entire life. The other one did it out of addiction, distraction, coping and fear. I'm still not fully sure what his story is. But I do know that he has been a garbage man, a cross-country trucker, a mechanic, tons of Dirty Jobs. And I've always known him to be a people-person, so I feel he has well earned his title to be running the show.

I was a bit... concerned that it would all be cold business with him. The he had changed. And maybe he has, jury is still out. But he sent me an email with his ideas... and in it he said some heartwarming stuff. In a very... closeted manly kind of way. Very brief, direct and to the point. "Thank you, I'm stoked to have your input on this." You know why this warmed my heart? Because super professional business people don't fucking say "stoked". XD And if we're going to brainstorm creative ideas, I'm going to be barefoot and have incense going and I'm going to be swearing up a storm, so... welcome to my office, motherfucker! XD

Being an artist is so weird. I feel like putting on a cold business persona literally damages my business. Because my work is like... a reflection of me. And I'm sitting here wearing hemp jewelry and beads and shit and talking like I'm wearing a suit? Doing good business is not wearing the proper uniform or speaking the proper language. Well, I mean... in some fields, sure... But sure as fuck not in art, in my opinion. And I'd say you could say the same for welding or mechanics, shit like that. I think it's WAY more important to be ethical. To be a Good Dude. To be kind and considerate and compassionate, and find ways for everyone to win, as much as possible. To make a good product, or provide a good service, and be thoughtful and kind. That's it. You can swear when you do that. You can talk like I talk. You can wear sleeveless shirts and be barefoot and smell like exotic essential oils. If someone judges you for that, they are not a good client.

So, that went well. We're going to link up tomorrow and... the ball is in... my court? And I allowed it to be there. ... Wow, right? And he left the option to either do a phone call or... meet... in-person? Right? This whole time I thought he was living several hours south of me... turns out he's 20 minutes away from me right now. XD Last I checked he wasn't even in the state!

So... that's going to be tomorrow. I stayed up and worked on my grip tape, got half of the 7th ring done. These big detailed pedals take a while, so it might be another 3 days? Plus this graphic design stuff on top. I am just dying to finish it though, I want to skate so fucking bad and I'm a bit scared to skate it before I finish the detail entirely.

I then did more dishes and... cleaned the kitchen counters... and... then went on to clean my entire fucking house. Vacuumed, mopped the floors, cleaned the counters, dusted, everything. Everything short of laundry and fully cleaning my work station. I even cleaned my yoga mat, which has so much heavy wear to it now that I might need a new one soon. Which is like... a "holy shit" moment.

I tried to nap, and... kinda failed? I don't remember sleeping at all, but I was there for an hour and a half. So... I must've dozed off for a bit. I got up and started working on prototypes already. I did two full notebook pages of 6 sketches and notes. Then I did yoga, ate leftovers from last night and... here I am.

Now I'm going to give my poor aching muscles a deep massage the best I can, listen to Adam Savage tell some stories from the glory days, and then take a nice shower because I am a stinky sweaty man. And then try to get to bed at a human hour, like... before 3AM. Thus... why I'm doing this now, around midnight. So... fingers crossed for a good night's sleep and... we'll see what tomorrow has in store!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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rayslittlekitten · 2 years

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Lies

“Dad Will” Masterlist

A/N: I’m sorry for the angst. This spilled out of me.

Thank you @spanishmossmagnolia for beta reading!

Word Count: ~890

Pairing: Dad!Will & Daughter OC (Lucy)

Plot: Lucy takes notice of the sudden unexplained changes happening in her home.

Contains: angst

Lucy is too young to really understand what is happening but old enough to realize something has changed. Dad hasn’t been home most nights for weeks and when he is, he has been sleeping on the couch. Dad says he’s just spending some time over at Uncle Benny’s. Lucy would ask if she could, too, have a sleepover like she used to with Gary, but mom and dad say it’s not that kind of sleepover.

Mom and dad haven’t really been talking much either, and when they do, sometimes it leads to a lot of yelling or crying. Lucy has witnessed them having disagreements before, but not like this. They try to keep it quiet and away from Lucy but she notices everything, even when they think she doesn’t. Sometimes when she’s in her room and she can hear them, she presses her ear to her door to try to listen to them, but it’s always too muffled to make out anything but bad words she’s not supposed to say. Just enough to know whatever they’re talking about doesn’t sound like a fun time. The only thing she knows is she once overheard something about some text messages and dad lying, but beyond that, she’s pretty much in the dark, just the way mom and dad want to keep it.

Lucy’s tried asking about the sudden changes, but they would just tell her that they’re just figuring some things out and reminding her how much they love her, which isn’t unusual, but they’ve been saying it a lot more often lately.

One night, Lucy wakes up in the middle of night to use the bathroom. After she does her business, she hears something downstairs. Her curiosity leads her bare feet down the stairs and follows the glow spilling out of the living room.

Will, who is laying on the couch on his side under a throw, looks away from the TV screen towards the sound of light pitter patter and sees Lucy in her pajamas entering the living room.

“Hey, sweetheart. What are you doing up?” Will asks.

Lucy walks over to Will, climbs onto the couch and snuggles against him.

“Can I sleep here with you tonight?” Lucy asks.

“Of course you can.” Will shifts himself to accommodate her. He adjusts the throw to cover her and then wraps an arm around her.

“Daddy?” Lucy asks, tilting her head up.

“Yes, baby?” Will glances down for a moment.

“Are you and mommy fighting?”

Will looks away at the TV screen and lets out a sigh. He continues to stare at the TV as he thinks about what he wants to say.

“Mommy and I are… just trying to figure things out, okay?” Will looks down at his daughter.

“We’re not really fighting. Daddy just did some bad things and it hurt mommy so daddy's trying to fix it, okay?"

"Is it because you let me stay up late and eat ice cream?" Lucy asks.

"Oh, no, no, sweetheart. This has nothing to do with you." Will shakes his head. He cups her face and looks right into the eyes he passed on to her. She hadn't quite noticed it before, but even in the darkness of the room, the light casted from the TV was enough for her to see that her father isn't getting enough sleep, or getting any quality sleep.

"Sweetheart, this isn't your fault, okay?" Will tells her. "You did absolutely nothing wrong. You know that, right?"

Lucy continues looking at him for a moment and then nods.

"This is all between me and mommy and the mistakes I made, okay?"

"Okay," Lucy nods again.

Will leans in and presses his lips to Lucy's forehead.

"I miss you, daddy. When are you coming home forever?"

"I miss you, too, sweetheart. I don't know when, but hopefully soon. There's a lot of things mommy and I still need to work out," he says.

"Did you tell mommy you're sorry? You always tell me to say that when I do something bad to someone," Lucy suggests.

Will chuckles and nods, but Lucy can see his sapphire eyes getting wet.

"It's more complicated than that, sweetheart," Will sniffles.

"Why are you crying, daddy?"

"Because I love you and mommy so much," Will replies.

"Is that why mommy is crying too? I hear her crying a lot at night, but she won’t tell me why.”

"Yes, that's part of the reason," Will nods and a tear slips out the corner of his eye.

"I love you and mommy too, daddy." Lucy wraps her small arms around Will's waist as best as she can and hugs him.

"I love you, princess." Will gently palms the back of her head and pulls her against his chest. “I promise I’m going to do everything I can to make things the way they used to be. Everything is going to be alright.”

“Can you tell me a bedtime story? You haven’t told me one in a long time,” Lucy asks.

“Sure, what do you wanna hear?”

“I like the one about how you and mommy met,” she smiles.

Will hugs Lucy a little tighter and presses his face against the top of her head. He takes a few deep breaths to compose himself.

“Okay,” Will sniffles and nods. “I like that one too.”

#charlie hunnam #charlie hunnam fanfiction #triple frontier #triple frontier fanfiction #will ironhead miller #william ironhead miller #dad!will miller #dad!will #will ironhead miller & daughter oc

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yourlocalfictionalenthusiast · 3 years

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IN LIFE, IN DEATH...

PART TEN

:Masterlist:

A/N: And that’s a wrap! Ahh, writing this series has been so fun and I’m so glad that so many of you have liked it so much. Thank you guys for staying until the end and hopefully for upcoming stuff 👀 I hope you enjoy the finale of In Life, In Death... <3

(Also the song mentioned in part six and this part is ‘She Is Love’ by Parachute) <3

December 1994

Luke groaned as he woke up, squinting hard to try and adjust his eyes to the amount of light in the room.

Even before he could see clearly, he knew he must've fallen asleep in the studio judging by the soreness in his back and neck that he always got when he slept on the old couch. It couldn't have been more than six in the morning, and Luke could still feel the tiredness in his bones. So he tried to turn away from the light and hopefully fall back asleep, but there was something keeping him firmly in place.

His heart skipped when he looked down and saw that you were laying right next to him with your head on his chest and an arm thrown across his stomach. When he realized that his own arms were wrapped around you, his heart broke out into a full-on tap dance.

Waves of confusion ran through his still-foggy brain until he saw his guitar case propped up against the piano and his backpack on the floor with his clothes spilling out of it.

Then the events of last night quickly came back to him.

How he had gotten home late from rehearsal and his mom was waiting in the kitchen with his latest report card and her signature lecture at the ready. One minute he was standing there yelling, packing all he could fit into his bag, and the next, he was halfway to the studio with the rain soaking him head to toe.

He had expected it to be empty when he finally got there, but he was flooded with relief when he saw you. All the frustration slowly melted out of him the longer he laid there with you, leaving him feeling exhausted and shivering despite how warm he felt.

The last thing he wanted to do was talk about any of it, but when you asked, the words came out of his mouth before he could stop them.

He remembered rambling and crying again, the sound of your voice and the feeling of your fingers in his hair warming him up even more. Then finally, he remembered falling asleep with his chin tucked on top of your head, the smell of your shampoo filling his senses.

Without thinking, Luke reached down and carefully pushed a piece of hair away from your face, tucking it behind your ear and smiling to himself when you shifted into his touch. Then taking in a sharp breath as the realization ran through him all the way down to his toes.

You were his best friend.

The person he wanted to see at the end of a long day. Whenever he was full of anger or lost in confusion, all he had to do was look at you and everything suddenly made sense again. With your pretty smile and laugh, and your way of flipping that little switch inside him that made his head all fuzzy and the ground start spinning under his feet.

You were his best friend, and he was in love with you.

2020

All you felt was a mixture of anxiety and nausea as you stood on the Orpheum's street corner, biting the tips of your fingernails.

The entire plan hinged on Willie and Teddy getting everything done in time, and considering that they had betrayed you all before, you couldn’t help but expect the worst.

“Look, don’t worry. Willie said he’ll get us on that marquee.” Alex said nervously as he kicked pebbles across the sidewalk.

“This is going to work, right?” Reggie asked.

“It has to.” Luke mumbled, wincing seconds later when another shock hit them.

Two sharp pops cut through the air behind you and you all whipped around to see Willie and Teddy standing just a few feet away. Willie was watching you all carefully with concern written all over his face, his eyes lingering on Alex longer than anyone else. Teddy stood at the edge of the group, practically burning a hole in your face with his guilty stare.

“Are you guys okay?” Willie asked.

“Yeah, nothing we haven’t felt before.” Alex laughed awkwardly. “How’d it go?”

“Well, when the opening band wakes up, they’ll find their bus two hundred miles out of Vegas.” Willie said with a proud smile as he did a spin, showing off his stolen jacket with the band’s name across the back.

“With absolutely no chance of getting back in time.” Teddy added.

Luke gave Willie a fistbump and pointed up to the office above the Orpheum. “That means there’s probably a promoter up there freaking out right now.”

Willie grinned, sarcasm laced in his tone. “Nah, man. This is Hollywood. I’m sure he’s being very professional.”

You laughed and then Alex slowly inched forward, clearly struggling for the right words to say to Willie. You gave his arm a quick squeeze before following Reggie and Luke down the street to give them space. Before you even got halfway down the sidewalk, Teddy poofed next to you.

“You know, If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you don’t want to talk to me.” He joked.

“Teddy-”

"I just-I didn't want to leave things the way we did." He rambled. "I'm sorry, I should've told you everything that night in the diner-"

"Teddy, It's okay." You said. "You told me before Caleb could put the stamp on me, and you didn't know the details about the plan until after it was too late to help my friends. Plus, I know how much you're risking helping us now."

As soon as the words left your mouth, you felt some of the weight fall off your shoulders. You weren't sure why since the situation was still a little painful and awkward. But being around Teddy always made you feel a little like that kid who started working at the diner with Cece all those years ago. Besides, they were so alike that you found it hard to stay mad at him.

You held out your hand for Teddy to shake. "Despite everything, I'm glad we met."

“Likewise, Gorgeous,” Teddy said with a relieved smile as he grasped your hand. With a subtle wink, he nodded over towards where Luke was standing at the end of the street. “He’s a lucky guy.”

"What? How did you?-" You sputtered as he stepped away. You never told Teddy about Luke, or at least you didn't think you did.

Teddy just smirked in response before disappearing into the air. At the same time, you saw Willie skate away out of the corner of your eye, leaving Alex alone on the sidewalk.

You all phased next to him and Luke squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. "You okay, man?"

"Yeah. I'm good." Alex smiled slyly as he gestured to the office. "Looks like this show needs a new opening act though."

You grinned. "Let's go see if we can help with that."

When you got back to the studio, you found Julie pacing back and forth in the middle of the room as she wrung her hands together.

When you all poofed in, she immediately jumped into a load of questions, losing her breath halfway through and flailing her arms around.

"Whoa, just sit down," You laughed excitedly. "We'll tell you everything."

Julie took a gasping breath and plopped backwards onto the couch then stared at you all with expectant eyes. "Well?"

"It worked!" You announced. "Everything's fine."

"You should be getting the call...now!" Alex pointed to Julie’s phone on the table just as it started buzzing. You all cheered and Julie shushed you as she answered the call.

You heard a woman's voice say something through the phone and Julie gave a thumbs-up as she started jumping on the couch. You watched in amusement and mild horror as Luke and Reggie lifted Alex up into the air and spun him around.

Once he was back on the ground, Luke and Reggie made a beeline for you, each of them grabbed one of your arms and flipped you upside down over their shoulders.

You all spent the next twenty minutes laughing and screaming and Alex even got a little teary-eyed but you pretended not to notice. Then Julie called Flynn and ran off excitedly to decide her outfit for the night, leaving the four of you alone to plan out the setlist.

“Okay, so I’m thinking we start with Stand Tall.” Luke said excitedly as he wrote the words down in his songbook.

“Sounds good.” Reggie said, suddenly quiet.

“’Sounds good’? Guys, I wanna hear ‘That sounds awesome!” Luke reached out and nudged Reggie’s shoulder. “I know this isn’t the way we imagined any of this. But we need to be all in tonight. This is our second chance to play the Orpheum!”

“I get it.” Reggie sputtered. “But it’s hard. Do we even know what’s on the other side when we cross over? Do we still get to hang out together?”

You shifted your weight as the happy little bubble surrounding you popped. You had been so wrapped up in the excitement of finally playing the Orpheum that you almost forgot what tonight was really about.

“You guys are the only family I have.” Reggie’s eyes were glued to the piano as he played with his fingers. You reached out and locked his arm with yours in an attempt to comfort him.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen either. But it’s not like we have a choice.” Alex said.

Suddenly, Reggie’s arm fell out of yours as all three boys fell back, clutching their sides.

“I’m pretty sure we do.” Reggie groaned. “And it rhymes with ‘Hollywood Ghost Club’.”

The garage doors creaked open and Julie appeared with a bright smile and a blue garment bag in her hand. When she saw your expressions, her smile fell. “What’s wrong?”

“We just got hit pretty hard by one of those jolts.” Alex said. “But we’re fine.”

“Oh, good.” She nodded, though she still looked on edge. “I’m nervous.”

“That makes two of us.” You said. “But we made it this far for a reason. We got this.”

“Can you ride there with me? I'm gonna need more pep-talk material for the drive there cause I still think I might puke.” Julie tucked her hair behind her ears.

“Of course, and don't worry, we’ll leave the windows open.” You joked, making everyone laugh.

The sound of a car horn cut through the air and Julie looked outside. "That's my dad. Are you ready, (Y/n)?"

You nodded. "Yeah, uh, give me a second. I'll meet you in the car."

As Julie disappeared behind the doors, you turned to the boys and sighed as you tried to soak up this moment. For all you knew, this could be the last little window of time you had alone with them before tonight.

Julie was a huge part of the band of course, but these were your boys. The ones who you started this all with, who had been by your side for everything.

From the look on all their faces, you could see that they were thinking the same thing.

Without saying a word, you launched yourself at Alex. He made a surprised noise but recovered quickly, throwing his arms around you and holding you tight.

"And I'm the emotional one?" He jokingly muttered in your ear and you pinched his side, making him jump back. "Rude."

As soon as your arms were open, Reggie stepped forward and hugged you so tightly that you were thankful to not need oxygen anymore because he was definitely crushing several vital organs.

You laughed and gave him one last squeeze before pulling away, locking eyes with Luke instantly.

Alex cleared his throat awkwardly and grabbed Reggie's shoulder, steering him over to Luke's songbook to 'check out the setlist again'.

"And then there were two." Luke joked.

You laughed and stepped into his waiting arms, making him laugh. You soaked up the feeling of comfort and familiarity for a minute before pulling away.

"This, uh, is for you," Luke said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. You knitted your eyebrows together in confusion as he handed it over. "I wanted you to have it in case...well, you know. If tonight doesn't work."

"It will." You said, trying to ignore the fact that it very well could happen. "You're not getting rid of me that easily, Patterson."

"I wouldn't dream of it." He quipped back, his voice sounding softer and less teasing than you would've expected. You pulled back from him and because you didn't know if you would ever get another chance, you stood on your tiptoes and planted a kiss on his cheek.

You moved away too fast to see his reaction but the gesture made the other two boys smirk at you as you dashed out of the doors, making a beeline for the car pulling out of the driveway.

The back rooms of the Orpheum were a maze.

You had left for a few minutes to walk around the venue and clear your head, trying to wring out the last of your nerves.

By the time you found your way back, you expected to find the rest of the band rushing to get ready in the dressing room. But all you saw was Julie anxiously pacing as she had been earlier, a habit she seemed to have inherited from both you and Alex.

“You okay?”

She snapped her head up towards you and sighed. “Yeah, just a little worried. The guys aren’t here yet.”

You looked around the room and then at the clock, frowning. The show was in less than half an hour and that was already cutting it close. Part of you wanted to go check on them but Julie seemed to need you more at the moment.

“Okay, well, give them another ten minutes. I'm sure they'll be here. They wouldn’t miss this…again.”

You ran your palm across the front of your pocket, feeling Luke's note next to your parent’s photo, and hoped you were right.

But then more and more time passed until the stage manager came to escort Julie to the stage.

"Just a second!" She calls out and then turns to you. "(Y/n), something's wrong. They were getting those jolts pretty hard before we left. They must've run out of time."

You shut your eyes tight as the words sunk in. All you could bring yourself now was, ‘This isn't what was supposed to happen.’

The world fell out from under your feet and you had trouble even standing up straight as you imagined what must've happened to them. Your best friends, your brothers, your family was gone and there wasn't anything you could do about it.

The guy knocked again, this time a little harder and with a nervous tone. Julie chewed her lip as she looked between you and the door and you could almost see the cloud of grief settling over her.

As hard as it was, you tried your best to shove your feelings down and marched up to Julie. There would be time to fall apart later, but you knew that this what they would want you to do. "Let's go do this for them, okay?"

She took a deep, shaky breath before hesitantly nodding. You followed closely behind her as she walked out the door though the halls until she reached the stage. You waited beside Flynn in the wing as Julie settled behind her microphone and addressed the crowd.

There were scattered claps from around the venue and then she took a deep breath before singing the opening.

After the first few lines, you took your cue and materialized at the center of the stage. The crowd gasped and cheered the way they always did, but you kept your eyes shut tight and focused on the music.

Just as the song started picking up, you heard a familiar pop in the air and then the sound of drumming. You whirled around to see Alex mounted onto a drum set at the back of the stage, twirling his drumsticks around and smiling like he had never been gone at all.

Once you got over the initial shock, you wanted to cry with relief. They were okay, they were here. Alex winked at you goofily, and you ran towards Julie’s keyboard.

She had started bouncing on the balls of her feet, both of you finally getting into the song now that they were coming back. You followed suit, dancing around the base of the drum set as yours and Julie’s voices came together.

Then Reggie appeared on the other side of Julie and you ran to his side. You bumped his shoulder with yours and he grinned, moving to stand back to back.

The song was ramping up to the chorus when a staticky noise cut through the air, not loud enough for the crowd to hear but enough to make you all look over to the other end of the stage.

You could see Luke's form fading in and out, a look of anguish on his face, and the pit in your stomach opened up again. The crowd was on the edge of their seats as Alex's drumming paused and Luke finally materialized to sing the opening of the chorus.

You didn't even know you were moving until you suddenly found yourself across the stage next to Luke, unable to stop smiling as you sang.

Julie joined you, throwing her arms up in the air happily and jumping around. Reggie appeared by her side, flashing the crowd a winning smile.

Alex stood up and gripped his mic as he sang this solo. You looked back at him and flashed him a proud smile, then whooping loudly when Reggie sang his lines.

You all went down the line hitting your notes until the chorus kicked in again and your heart felt so full you almost couldn't stand it. This was what you were so close to achieving before you died, it was all you had wanted for years, and you knew that if you hadn't died, that night would've changed your life. But this night was something even more special. Because you were all here, all together.

Even if it was just for one last song.

Julie caught your attention and nodded towards the platform that spread out into the crowd. You followed her to the center and stood back to back as everyone cheered.

The guys joined in on either side of you, Alex grabbing one of your hands and Luke holding the other. You all bowed to the audience before taking your cue and vanishing, leaving only Julie on stage.

You landed in the wing, feeling a little lightheaded and overwhelmed from all the emotions you had experienced in the last five minutes. The elated smile fading from your face when all three boys poofed by your side only to fall to the floor instantly.

“It didn’t work.” You said miserably as Julie emerged into the backstage area. She grabbed Flynn and whispered something to her, pointing in the direction of her family. Flynn nodded and disappeared into the crowd while Julie ran to your side.

You hauled Alex onto his feet, letting him lean on you to stay upright while Luke and Reggie trailed behind Julie as she led the group back to the dressing room. Once everyone was inside, they collapsed on the couch or the floor, loudly groaning in pain.

“What happened? Why didn’t it work?” Julie asked tearfully.

“I guess playing here wasn’t our unfinished business.” Alex said hollowly.

“Point Caleb.” Reggie muttered as he clung to the side of an armchair.

You stood frozen next to Julie as panic spread through your whole body, both of you flinching in sympathy as the shocks continued.

“You have to save yourselves right now.” Julie begged. “Join Caleb’s club. It’s better than not existing at all!”

“She’s right.” You managed to say, your voice shaky and almost giving out. Your stomach flipped at the thought of them having to work for an evil club owner forever, but the alternative was worse. “You guys need to go now! For me. For us.”

“We’re not going back there.” Reggie shook his head.

Luke pulled himself up and stumbled forward a little so that he was right in front of you. “No music is worth making if we’re not all making it together.”

You sighed sadly, thinking back to your conversation yesterday. “So no more regrets?”

Luke let out a deep sigh and then reached up and cupped your cheek with his right hand. “Just one.”

You furrowed your eyebrows in response and Luke blinked hard as if he was trying to find the words. "I never told you why I left that night."

"Luke, don't." You gave him a weak smile. "I get it."

"You do?" He asked.

You struggled to get the words out. "Yeah, I mean it was bound to happen eventually. We just got too close and it was weird for you. I understand t-”

"What?" Luke asked, cutting you off with a confused look. "No, no, that's not it at all. Read the-"

Before he could finish, you heard Julie gasp loudly from a few feet away. You looked over to see her stepping back from Alex with an awestruck look on her face as she gripped his forearms.

Wait, what?

Before you could even begin to process what you were seeing, Reggie was reaching out to Julie, who grabbed his wrist and hauled him up to his feet. The three of them stared at each other for a few seconds before Julie turned to you and Luke.

“Guys, come here.”

Alex reached out and pulled you into his side while Luke threw an arm around Reggie’s back and Julie brought you all in closer to her. At first, nothing happened. But then there was a faint buzzing sound and the boys lifted their wrist towards the ceiling and you all watched in awe as the stamp floated away in the blink of an eye.

“Whoa.” Reggie said, his eyes still glued to the ceiling. “I don’t feel as weak anymore.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Alex agreed. “Not that I ever was that weak in the first place.”

You rolled your eyes and let your head fall over on his shoulder. “What do you think that means?”

Luke smiled. “I think it means the band is back.”

It was quiet for a second before Alex looked at you all shyly. “You guys think we can try that hug thing again?”

You laughed as you huddled together again, sniffling and laughing. Then Julie yelled out that you had played the Orpheum and then you were all jumping around, still tangled in each other’s arms.

Eventually, you all broke apart and while the boys started chasing each other around, you turned to Julie. She looked into your eyes and immediately flew into your arms, muttering into your shoulder, “I always wanted a big sister.”

The words warmed your heart and you squeezed her extra hard, grateful that you actually could now. “Well, I’m honored.”

“My family's probably looking for me so..." Julie stepped back from your arms with the biggest smile you’d ever seen on her face, you jokingly bowed to her and she copied the gesture before disappearing behind the door.

You wiped the last of your tears out of your eyes and turned around to find Alex and Reggie were talking in whispers and wearing knowing smiles. When Alex saw you looking, he cleared his throat and nudged Reggie’s shoulder.

“Hey, Reg.” Alex said cheekily, not taking his eyes off of you for even a second. “I was going to check out the next band. You wanna come with me?”

“Sure!” Reggie started strolling towards the door, stopping only for a second to nudge your shoulder and whisper ‘don't do anything I wouldn’t do’ in your ear.

Alex fixed Luke with a pointed look over his shoulder and Reggie gave him a dorky wink before they poofed away. You smiled fondly at the space where they were just standing and awkwardly turned towards Luke.

“Hi.” You said, laughing awkwardly.

“Hi.” Luke muttered back as he stepped forward until he was close enough to grab your hand. “About what I was saying earlier…”

You opened your mouth to say something but he shook his head and pointed to your pocket. “Read it. Please.”

You tugged the note he had given you earlier out of your pocket and carefully folded it open to see that it wasn’t a note at all. It was the love song that Julie had found that day in the garage, the one that he didn’t want anyone to see. You struggled a little trying to decipher Luke's handwriting. The ink was a little smudged and the song was clearly unfinished but it was the most beautiful thing you had ever read. And he had written it for you.

"I didn't leave because we got too close," He said. "It was the opposite, (Y/n), I left because I was scared to lose you, and I know that doesn't make sense because I kind of did w-"

You carefully tucked the paper back in your pocket with one hand and grabbed the back of his neck with the other, pulling him down and closing the last bit of space between you.

Luke's brain short-circuited for a second before he started kissing back, grabbing your waist with enough force to nearly knock you both backwards. It was dizzying and a little desperate, yet weirdly familiar, as if you'd been kissing him your whole life.

Most moments with Luke felt like they were happening in slow motion, but this time it was like a high-speed movie montage of your whole lives. The stolen crayons, the time capsule, the pre performance pep talks, the smell of cinnamon, the ferris wheel, his jacket, the movie nights and songwriting sessions. All of it had led up to this moment.

"I love you." Luke said immediately after you pulled away. "God, I love you so much. I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry."

“Hey, it’s okay.” You laughed, blinking another wave of tears out of your eyes. “I should’ve told you forever ago instead of skirting around it.”

“And what is it that you should’ve told me?” He said teasingly and you rolled your eyes. You had gotten so used to Luke being so shut down or nervous around you that you almost forgot how much of a little shit he could be.

“That I love you too.” You said, unable to stop smiling.

Luke leaned down and captured your lips in another kiss, this time threading his fingers through your hair as he cupped your cheeks in his hands. “I’m never gonna get tired of hearing that.”

You bit your lip to keep another laugh from bubbling up as you looked up at him, feeling completely overwhelmed in the best way possible. "So...what now?"

"I don't know." Luke admitted. "But I know one thing."

"What's that?"

"That no matter where we go, or what we do," He pushed a piece of hair behind your ear. "In life, in death... I'm yours. Always."

The End

In Life, In Death Taglist:

@ifilwtmfc @instabull @wanniiieeee @tenaciousperfectionunknown @charliegillespiewife @merceret @itismeasmolpotato @lilostif16 @dangerouslyclose @iainttakingshitfromnobody @givemebooksorgivemedeath @sunsetcurvedotmp3 @askgeoff @mayleenicole5676 @puppy11148 @vampire7595 @wackyworrieruniverse @reallysparklychaos @lovelydaydreams15 @rachmmb @musicismyescape27 @stackie4ever @spidermankenobi

(Strikethrough means I can’t tag you)

JATP Taglist:

@caitsymichelle13 @sunsetcurvej

Let me know if you want to be added!

#luke patterson #luke patterson imagine #luke patterson x reader #Alex Mercer #Reggie Peters #julie molina #jatp fanfic #jatp

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amethystpath-writes · 3 years

Note

Perhaps hero is new to the team and the others don't know about their traumatic past? Shorts or a t-shirt for the first time and !boom! Scars.

Plush Clouds in a Summer Sky:

Please heed tags

******

Sam's hand closed on the doorknob and he slowly, agonizingly slowly, twisted it clockwise. When he was sure the metal piece was pulled all the way back into the door, he peeked out- first just cracking the door, then opening it more, and more.

He looked left.

He looked right.

Coast is clear, he thought, and emerged from his room.

His bare feet softly pattered against the wood flooring. Normally, Sam would walk much louder than this- not obnoxiously, but not so carefully as he was right now either.

Right now. Right now, it was well passed dark, and that meant Sam was in his night clothes. He was in his night clothes because he had been sleeping like everyone else in the house. The difference between Sam and the rest of the crew was that he couldn't be seen wearing night clothes.

Sam wore his boxers and a tank top to bed. He didn't like to be so exposed, even to himself, but he had nightmares frequently and would wake up needing to shed layers. Wearing less clothing to begin with seemed to serve as a half-successful solution.

The kitchen was closer and closer with each step Sam took. All he wanted was a quick glass of water. He was parched from having woken up in the middle of the night. If he didn't have something to drink, his whole body was going to shrivel up until he was a piece of dust swept into the trashcan on clean-up day.

Oh, finally. The hallway's wall bent to the right- the entrance to the kitchen. Water. Water. Water.

His steps became sloppier as he became closer, then he stopped. Dead in his tracks.

"Sammy, I thought I heard- you're wearing a tank top. Oh my gosh."

On instinct, Sam pulled his arms back to hide what it was he always hid beneath longer styled clothing. Hopefully Bri, the teammate in front of him wouldn't notice the bit on his shoulder he could never successfully hide. Or maybe that's why she said 'Oh my gosh." Sam panicked.

"I-I can explain!"

Bri immediately brought a finger to her lips and Sam dropped his chin, ashamed. He could hear her approaching him from the fridge.

"Hey, I was just reminding you to be quiet because the rest of the-" She gasped. Sam's head tucked further into his chest. "Oh my...Sammy. Sammy, oh my God. What-" Bri's fingers skimmed his shoulder lightly, earning a whimper. "I'm sorry," she said quickly and retreated. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean...Sammy, what happened to you?"

"You weren't"- he hiccuped- "you weren't supposed to be in here. I thought"- another hiccup- "I thought everyone was in- was in bed."

Sam was stuttering, an old habit of his that he hoped would never puck back up. He couldn't help it now. Couldn't help that he was scared, that he was ashamed and embarrassed.

"Oh, honey..." Bri's voice was soft and barely above a whisper. Sam looked up just barely to see her gaze was closer to the ground now than it was before. She was looking at his legs. "Sammy, how- how long ago..." She seemed to gag as she out a hand up to her mouth and turned away from Sam slightly. Did he look that bad? Was his skin that disgusting?

Bri faced him again. She seemed better now that she'd taken a moment. "What happened, sweetheart?" Making her way around the counter, Bri pulled a stool out for Sammy to sit on.

Without realizing it, Sam had begun to rub over the scar most noticeable on his shoulder. They were all the same- giant lines welted up from a whip. Only he and one other person knew that though.

"It's- it's nothing. I came- I came- I came to- I came"- Sam grunted in frustration. He slowed down his every word. "I. Came....T-to. Get. I came to get." He took a deep breath. "To get wa-wa-water."

Nodding, Bri pushed the stool back in and went to the cabinets to grab a glass. "I'll get it for you, hun."

Despite his own nervousness and shame, Sam was still observant enough to see how Bri was shaking. He'd never seen any of his teammates shaking.

"I didn't- didn't make y-you mm"- his lips stuck together- "Didn't make you mm-mad, did I?" he asked. Although he couldn't acknowledge it, Bri could tell anyone Sam had never acted like this before. This was...this behaviour Sam was exhibiting, it was from whoever gave him those scars all over his legs and stretching over his shoulders.

"No, Sammy. No, you didn't make me mad. Not all all, honey." It took more control and strength to keep an even and unbroken tone than it took for anything else in Bri's life. When she made it to her own room she'd have to muffle her cries into a pillow. "Here. You get some rest, okay, Sammy?" She handed him the glass, now full of water.

"Th-thank you." His feet moved and his body began to turn as he was about to head back to his room, but before he committed to the action, he asked, "Keep. Keep between. Us?"

Bri nodded. "I'll keep it between us." Sammy nodded. "But I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, okay? I'm not going to judge you or think any differently of you, alright?"

For the first time since she saw the scars, Sam was able to spit out a full sentence. "Thank you."

You might be thinking that Sam went back to his room afterwards, but he didn't. He walked to Bri and he hugged her, hugged her so tight he was was afraid his arms would be stuck, but he needed this. He needed the love, the affection, the acceptance. "Thank you," he whispered again, and again, and again. They sobbed freely, and they held onto each other for a good hour.

Of course, Sammy explained in partial what happened to him, how he was captured and kept. About how he was hurt and maimed. About how he began stuttering when in captivity because everytime he spoke, he was injured, but he couldn't help when begs spilled from his lips. So he stuttered. Often.

Not everything could fit into one hour, but one hour of letting loose was all Sammy needed to fall asleep with having another nightmare where he slept on a concrete floor with chains scattered about and a voice that told him he'd never be loved for having scars so ugly. In his dreams, the scars weren't always from whips. Sometimes it would be from knives or the back end of a hammer.

Tonight, though, or at least for the remainder of it, he dreamt something sweeter- plush clouds in a summer sky while he laid on a plaid blanket in the grass. There was a breeze and his short hair was ruffled by it. It was peaceful. Sleep was peaceful, at last.

#captivity tw #whipping mention #trauma #recovery after trauma #referenced torture tw #stuttering #whump #hero whumpee #request fill #queue #this is unedited because I shouldn't even be awake so I apologize in advance

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stanzoeywade · 4 years

Text

Veronica x MC tinder!au

I headcanon Veronica to look like Barbara Lopez, and as you can see this headcanon was inspired by this tweet.

Summary: in which you are paired with Veronica for a project and she doesn't respond to your emails but you match with her on tinder. The both of you find each other attractive but you're both gay disasters. Also in this au the MC doesn't meet Poppy on her first day of school, so they don't know about the top 3 girls of Belvoire. (Where poppy is a switch (fite me), Veronica is a top.)

Warnings: swear words, and maybe toothache inducing fluff? Thigh riding smut.

Taglist: @somewillwin @belvoiresqueenbee @origmansello @clownery-is-a-new-personality @kamilahtrash @poppysminion @poppysimp @captain-hanadeleine @poppysmc @iiizdumb @uselesslesbianfr @scattered-to-the-winds @idiot-justidiot @toyhenoctus @coldbatfriendroad

So it begins in one of your compulsory classes, where you have to be partnered up for a big project, like 20-30% of your final grade.

Cue your professor paring you up with someone who you've never seen before in class, and you're confused because wtf??? Who is this Veronica Lombardi person??? And why is everyone staring at you with mixed reactions, some look jealous while some look like they feel bad for you.

After class, you make you way to your dorm room and you ask Zoey if she knows Veronica Lombardi and that's how you find out about the whole ranking system in Belvoire. You learn that Veronica is at the number 3 spot as one of the most popular girls on campus. You're not really interested because in all honesty it sounds too much like high school and you're already over it.

Considering that she was going to be your partner for the project, you decide to email her so that the both of you can divide the work equally, as well as ask if she has any days where she is free so that you can discuss the project in person.

It's been a week and you still don't have a response, and you're starting to think that you'll have to do the project alone. Hopefully your professor will take that into consideration once she marks you paper.

You try to start to work on the project but you're quick to realise that you're bored, so in your frustrated state, you open tinder hoping to find an outlet for your stress.

Imagine your surprise when you're matched with your project partner, who messages you. It reads "Sup babe, what are you doing tonight?"

You feel your blood pressure rise as you type angrily. "I'M DOING OUR JOINT PROJECT YOU BITCH!"

She replies with the emojis "😤😒" alongside a gif of someone saying "Rude".

You're about to lose it when another message catches your attention. "Are you from Sociology 101? I haven't attended any of the lectures, it's boring af. But you know what wouldn't be boring? We could hook up 😜" it reads.

"Un-fucking-believable" you mutter to yourself as you read the message. 'Who the hell does she think she is?' - you think to yourself, annoyed.

"Are you seriously flirting with me right now?" you text as you feel angrier each passing second.

The only response you get is a selfie of Veronica smiling cheekily at the camera, which is followed by a message saying "I promise I'd be more fun than sociology. 😉"

You barely resist the temptation of pulling your hair out and respond with "look, I get it you're rich, but just because you can get away with not doing the work, it doesn't mean that I can." Veronica looks at your response and can't help but feel a pang of guilt.

Feeling guilty, Veronica messages you. It says "look babe, I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you, we can meet up and do the project together. And maybe when we finish we can do something more fun? 😜😉"

Letting out a resigned sigh you begrudgingly ask for her address and she's all too happy to respond. "I live on campus, I'm part of the Zetas so just walk over and I'll meet you outside."

Freshening up, you make yourself look presentable and you start to make your way to the sorority house. You're surprised to see someone waiting outside, and you assume the person to be Veronica.

As you get closer you're taken aback because of Veronica. There she was in all her glory. I mean you knew she looked attractive judging by the photo she sent you, but pictures can't exactly compare to seeing the real thing.

You can't help but think that Veronica is gorgeous, I mean with that face she could be a supermodel and ohh my god she has legs that go on for days.

Snapping out of your daze, you just see Veronica flashing you a charming smile.

You weren't the only one checking the other person out though, Veronica couldn't help but think that you were cute, especially in that crop top and varsity jacket. 'She's smart and easy on the eyes to boot, this will be fun.' - she thinks as she turns on the charm, ready to seduce.

You approach her, anger coming back as you poke your finger on her shoulder whilst saying "I'm so fucking mad at you, I could have finished the project already but your ass was MIA, so I couldn't start."

Veronica winces at each poke, irritated, she tugs on your wrist and pulls you close. "You could have looked for me personally you know." she says cockily.

Your anger dissipates a little because she had a point and with a resigned sigh you say "Fair enough, still doesn't make up for the fact that you didn't reply to my emails."

Veronica just rolls her eyes at you. "Well we could stand here and argue or we can go inside and actually work on the project." she says sarcastically.

As you make you way inside the sorority house, you can't help but feel amazed by the expensive furniture and decorations. It looked like a house fit for royalty and if you're being honest you're a bit jealous because they get to live in luxury.

You follow Veronica to her room and you're immediately surprised by what you see. Her room is big, however it is decorated modestly, and it's much simpler than what you imagined. The atmosphere feels a bit awkward and you make conversation by complimenting her room. "Your room seems really cozy."

Veronica looks at you, a soft smile graces her features and she says "Thanks." She puts a stray strand of her behind her ears and you can't help but admire her.

"If taking a picture of my room would've gotten you to come over, I would have done so already." she flirts.

You can't help giggle and you're relieved that the awkward atmosphere has been replaced with a comfortable silence.

Your giggle attracts Veronica's attention and her cheeks flush because who gave you the right to be so cute.

The two of you start to work on the project and you're pleasantly surprised to learn that Veronica understands the syllabus despite the fact that she hasn't attended any of the lectures. The two of you get a lot more work done than what you expected and before either of you realise, it's already dark outside.

You feel your eyes drooping as you try to stay awake, and you notice how dark it is and you're about to tell Veronica that you're about to leave when she says "It's already dark outside, you should probably stay it's not safe to be walking around in the middle of the night."

You mull it over and decide to stay. 'Fuck it, I'm too tired to walk back' - you think to yourself as you nod your head to Veronica.

Veronica walks over to her closet and pull out pyjamas, which she hand over to you as well as a spare toothbrush. "You should go and clean up, you can sleep on the bed." she says kindly. You raise an eyebrow at her. "This better not be a plan to get me to sleep with you Lombardi." you say jokingly. She just laughs at your joke and tells you to clean up, you're too tired to argue back so you concede.

Fast-forward to the next morning, you wake up in someone's arms and you snuggle closer until you realise. 'WTF, why am I being cuddled and where the fuck am I?' - you think to yourself slightly panicking. Your eyes open and you turn around to see that Veronica was asleep, you try to get out of her grip but she just pulls you closer whilst murmuring in her sleep.

You don't want to wake her up because she looks so comfortable and at ease and you know that you're stuck there until she wakes up.

Veronica wakes up and she feels something or someone in her arms, she then remembers that you slept over, not in the way she wanted but hey she's not complaining, especially since you were cutely staring at her with a confused expression.

Deciding to tease you, she plants a kiss on your lips and you freeze. A blush creeping on your face and Veronica was about to apologise for going too far when you cut her off by kissing her back. She could get used to this she thinks.

She pulls away and notices the blush on your cheeks. "I thought you didn't like me Hughes?" she says mischieviously, and you just look away.

Realising that her arms weren't around you anymore, you get up and Veronica whines at the lack of physical contact and warmth, you narrowly avoid being pulled back down onto the bed.

You just shoot her a soft smile and say "Thanks for letting me stay over, I'm gonna go get changed and leave, I'll see you later."

You quickly get changed and as you leave her room, you can feel your heart pounding in your chest because you can't stop thinking about the kiss you shared with Veronica. You continue to zone out for the rest of the day, wondering what it would be like to kiss her again.

The next time the two of you meet, Veronica is more straightforward when it comes to flirting, and you're always left a flustered and blushing mess. Veronica thinks you look so cute, especially since she's the reason why you're flustered. The two of you become friends and you exchange numbers because using tinder to communicate was getting annoying.

You're surprised when Veronica messages you with random memes at god awful hours and you can't even get mad because they make you laugh and it becomes something you look forward to each day.

That's when you start to develop feelings for Veronica, and you're not sure what to do because she's flirty with everyone and you're not sure if she likes you back.

Veronica invites you to a frat party, and as soon as you get there a few people introduce themselves to you. One of the frat boys tries to flirt with you and you're immediately pulled back by Veronica as she says "Fuck off Luis, she with me." Your eyes widen as you realise what Veronica said.

You don't have the chance to ask what she means as she drags you off to a room, where she immediately kisses you, hand finding it's way down to your hips and gripping it possessively. She continues to kiss you, each kiss deeper and rougher than the last. The barrage of kisses only stop due to both of you needing to breathe.

Your chest heaves as you feel Veronica lean in to whisper "You're mine, and I don't like it when people touch what's mine." You feel shivers down your back as she says that.

Veronica locks the door and she pulls you towards the bed where she sits and pull you in for another kiss. You're pulled onto her lap as her lips trail down your jaw to the base of your neck, alternating between biting and sucking to leave marks. You can feel a wave of arousal make it's way down to your core, and a small groans escapes your lips.

Spurred on by your reaction, Veronica starts to unbutton your shirt, quickly taking it off with deft hands. She starts to grope your breasts as she unhooks your bra with her other hand. Lips finding it's way to nipples, and you can't stop yourself from moaning when her teeth grazes against it.

Instinctively, your hips starts to jerk against her thigh and it quickly catches Veronica's attention as she looks at you with narrowed eyes and pupils blown.

She pulls your hips down flush against her thigh, and leaning in she whispers "Grind." and you're quick to obey her as she sucks and bites on your shoulder and collarbone, making sure to leave marks on each patch of skin she can reach.

You slowly start to grind against her, and in order to help you out, she starts to move her thigh against your centre, working you up faster and you let out long breathy moans and whimpers at the friction against your centre. Spurred on by your reaction, Veronica uses her fingers to touch and play with your clit, and this makes you moan out her name "V, that feels so good.", and she can't get enough.

She grinds her thigh faster and she starts to use her finger to help you climax. Your body starts to convulse and your back arches as you reach your climax. Veronica's fingers helping you ride out your orgasm. A loud moan escapes your mouth and for a moment your vision turns white, head empty except the pleasure you feel. Your chest heaves as you try to catch your breath.

As soon as you regain your bearings, you can see the smug look Veronica has, and you do nothing but roll your eyes as you say "Yeah, yeah that felt really good, stop being so smug." Veronica's eyes just lights up as she raises her arms in mock surrender and says "Hey, you said it not me."

"So, I guess this means we're dating?" you ask shyly, as your cheeks flush. Veronica just kisses you softly and says "Yeah."

That's how the two of you start dating.

A/N: I saw that there was a lack of Veronica x MC content so yeah enjoy, and please reply if you want me to write a dating Veronica headcanon like I did for Poppy. Thanks for reading, bye.

#veronica lombardi #veronica x mc #poppy min sinclair #queen b #choices #choices stories you play #choices fic #mine #this is my take on a tinder au for veronica #enjoy y'all #chloe st. james #queen b veronica #queen b poppy

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probably-writing-x · 4 years

Text

Just you and your quirks.

Ander x Reader

Request by anon: Hi, so I Ioved noticed absence and it gave me an idea.I want to request an Ander imagine where he and the reader are in the same friend group, hanging out everyday etc and he likes her for a long time but she has no clue.Then something happens that makes him confess his feelings to her (how he remembers everything she's told him and notices every little thing she does etc).I don't know if it makes any sense but if you could do that it would be greatly appreciated. Ps I really love your writing ❤

Gif is not my own

Requests are open 🤍

“Hello hello hello!” Ander grins as he carry the pizza boxes through to the lounge, “What did we miss?”

Guzmán follows behind with the other boxes in his arms, stepping over the pillows on the floor to follow cautiously.

“Just (Y/n) complaining about being hungry,” Lu rolls her eyes, “Or complaining about everything in general.”

“Well, I got your favourite so stop moaning now,” Ander eyes you as he sets down the box in front of your crossed legs, “And I even asked for it without the onions because you always end up picking them off anyway.”

“Thanks,” You laugh to yourself, “Did you ask for ex-“

“Extra peppers too, yep I got it all right,” He scoffs, sitting down beside you with his own pizza box, “What film are we watching?”

The group kick off into a chorus of debate once again as they try to decide on the movie, now joined by Guzmán who made the whole situation worse by suggesting films that you hadn’t even considered.

“What film are they choosing?” Ander leans over to ask you.

“I’m not even sure that they know,” You roll your eyes, “At this rate we won’t end up watching anything, just like last time.”

“Oh, I was meant to ask you, do you mind if I come round tomorrow evening? Mums at a board meeting all evening and I’d rather avoid my Dad.”

You smile at his offer, “Yeah of course, I think my parents are out anyway. We can play some Warzone.”

“Hey! You two need to make a decision,” Polo calls over, “It’s either Die Hard or Love Actually.”

You laugh at the choices, evidently dissimilar in all ways.

“Don’t you hate both of those films?” Ander frowns at you.

“Yeah but that’s fine, Guzmán always picks the shit choices,” You joke to your friend, “I say Die Hard.”

“Okay, fine, we’ll watch that one,” Ander agrees, reaching over and grabbing a blanket from the middle of the floor where you’d all set up for the evening.

As the film starts, both of you snuggle under the covering as you turn to watch the screen - unbeknownst to the fact that Anders eyes struggled to leave you, despite the ongoings of the movie.

It’s as the film almost ends and a loud fight scene almost breaks out that you jump up from your sleep and realise that you’d been sleeping on Ander the entire time. Luckily, he was asleep too as he’d had his head resting on your shoulder and yours resting against the cushion of his curly hair.

“Don’t worry, we took plenty of photos,” Lu comments from across the room where her and Guzmán sat with his arm uncomfortably around her, “Just for when you two actually do get together.”

You glance at your friend and try to not move in the fear of waking him up. Why did everyone always think that you two were anything more than friends?!

- - - - - -

The next day, you meet Ander from tennis practice as you walk over to the court that he was playing on.

“Hi Sir,” You smile to his Dad, “How are you?”

“Better if my son didn’t seem so distracted,” He rolls his eyes, “Do you know what’s going on with him?”

You glance over at Ander who looks furious with irritation, “We have a lot of tests coming up at school, and Ander’s been working hard to get his grades up. He’s actually been helping me.”

“Well, maybe he needs to focus more on the thing that’s going to help his future,” His Dad glares daggers at Ander who looks bashfully down at his feet.

“Ready to go, Ander?” You turn to him hopefully.

“Where do you think you’re going?” His Dad questions, “He’ll stay here until I say he’s good enough to leave.”

“Sir, don’t you think you’ll make matters a lot worse by forcing him to continue when he’s clearly not focused? I don’t know about you, but it’s only going to get worse if you keep him here for any longer in my opinion,” You’re always defensive of Ander but it’s normally after you’ve left that you’d start to rant about how his Dad treats him in practice.

“(Y/n), it’s fine, I’ll talk to you later...” Ander attempts, not wanting matters to escalate further.

“No, I’m serious! I don’t see how you can think it’s acceptable to push your son into some sort of elite status when all it’s doing is making him hate the sport more and more.”

His Dad glares at you but words fail him before he swallows his pride, “Fine, we’ll start again tomorrow.”

You turn your attention back to Ander who looks shocked between you and his father, “Ready to go, Ander?”

He grabs his bag from the side of the court and follows out after you in pure surprise. Nobody ever spoke up to his Dad like that. He never had the guts to, so how had you just done it so easily?

“You really didn’t have to do that...” He comments as he trails beside you on the way out of the school grounds.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make things worse, but fuck! He makes me so angry,” You sigh, running a hand across your hair.

“No, no,” Ander stops you by holding onto your arm, “Thank you, nobody’s ever stood up to him like that.”

Your lips curl into a smile full of surprise.

“I’d do it everyday if I could. You don’t deserve to be treated like that,” You encourage, “He needs to understand when enough is enough.”

Ander swallows the lump in his throat, “Thank you.”

“Now, lets go and play warzone and at least try to get some wins today.”

- - - - - -

You’re just about to fall asleep when Ander speaks up the words he’d been waiting to ask all night. Something had seemed off about him since you’d first arrived home but you’d brushed it off as a consequence of what had happened with his Dad.

“There’s an event thing with the board tomorrow and obviously I have to go with my mum, would you maybe want to come? She said I could bring someone,” Ander explains, tucking an arm under his head as he lays on the adjacent side of the bed to you.

“Yeah, okay, I’d be happy to. Do we need to dress up all fancy?”

He laughs, “It’s a black tie event.”

“Then I will find my finest attire, what time?”

“I’ll pick you up at seven,” He nods, “Thank you.”

This was the way things always were with you and Ander. You spent so much time alone together, separate from the rest of the group, that people constantly assumed that you were dating. Whether it was always spending the night at each other’s houses, meaning you’d always turn up late on the same days, or the fact that you were always each other’s plus ones - everyone always just expected that you were more than friends. It had never occurred to you that he felt that way too. It was just the way it had always been. He’d always just remembered every word you said, every date that was of note, every piece of your life that he’d fixed with his own. Every piece of your heart.

“Good night Ander,” You mumble through a stifled yawn as you turn in the bed and tuck an arm under the pillow to sleep.

He turns to face you too but doesn’t close his eyes like you do. He keeps focused on you, wondering when you’d learn that he’d never see you as a friend.

- - - - - -

As promised, Ander comes to pick you up with his Mum at 7pm and the two of you head to the venue of the board meeting. It was always intimidating to attend these things but you’d grown used to them after how many Ander had brought you along to. Normally, the two of you would keep to each other’s company and avoid speaking to as many people as you could.

“Okay, so who’s that guy?” You point out to a certain man amongst the crowd as Ander hands a drink to you.

“He pays for some of the Oxford scholarships,” Ander explains, “Pretty important for the school.”

You roll your eyes, “Or just a guy with deep pockets.”

“That’s kind of the point,” Ander laughs, “The school upholds a good reputation so that people like that keep feeding us money.”

“Technicalities,” You brush him off, taking a sip of your drink.

“You know, we can get out of here if you want,” He encourages, following behind you as you walk through the crowd.

“What are you talking about?” You laugh, “We only just got here!”

“I know, but it’s hardly our scene.”

“None of this is ever our scene,” You chuckle, “But it’s getting pretty busy, we can at least stay for an hour.”

“And then warzone?” Ander raises his brows.

“Deal.”

You spend the next half an hour mingling around people before your phone starts going off in your pocket and you quickly dismiss yourself to head outside. It’s your Mother on the other end of the line as you respond to her asking about when you’d be home, if at all.

“I can check with Ander, see if it would be easier for me to stay there tonight,” You nod, turning around as you notice someone, Ander, walking out of the door.

He nods at you like he’s giving approval to your obvious suggestion.

“And he said that’s fine,” You laugh gently, “I’ll talk to you later Mum, yeah I’ll let you know when I’m home.”

With that, you hang up and turn back to Ander.

“Sorry, are the speeches starting?” You ask, stuffing your phone back into your pocket.

“No, but I um... I just wanted to speak to you about something.”

Your brows settle into an instant frown, “Everything okay man?”

Ander looks down at the floor and kicks at a stone amongst the crowd on the ground, “See, I’ve thought about saying this a thousand times. I don’t know why now, here, but I guess it just feels like the right time.”

“Ander what are you talking about?”

“You can say whatever you want, or nothing at all, just after I’m done. I don’t think I’ll be able to start up again if I stop.”

“You’re scaring me, what are you about to say?”

“I like you (Y/n). And the only reason I’m not saying love is because I want that to come after I know that you feel the same. It’s not just that liking to anybody and everybody. It’s in every piece of you,” Ander admits like the words have been waiting to be spoken for years now, “You’re the most incredible person in my life, and I never want to find anybody that will change that.”

“Ander...” You begin, unsure as to where your sentence would go after that.

“I started thinking it was just a confused thing. But then I realised you’re the only person I actually fucking listen to, and I remember everything you say. And that’s not just a friend thing. I didn’t even try to fight it because I already knew it would be useless. It’s you (Y/n)! How could I not like you?”

You swallow the lump in your throat, “How long... how long have you felt like that?”

He smiles gently, “I think I always did. I just didn’t realise until early this year, when you came to mine on Valentines Day.”

“February? That was eight fucking months ago Ander. You’ve had feelings for me since then and you’ve just not told me?”

He winces a little at the harsh tone of your words, “I tried to, so many times. But I didn’t want to ruin anything, change anything...”

“Change anything?” You exhale, “This changes everything Ander.”

“You don’t feel the same,” It’s like he needs to speak the words to properly realise it.

You can’t say no. But can’t say yes either.

Instead, you watch as he takes a step forward until the gap between you is closed.

“Just... tell me to stop and I will,” He begins, lifting up a hand to cup your cheek.

He takes in a deep breath and dips his head to your level, lips an inch from yours as he looks to your eyes for approval. You’re the one that leans forward, offering him all the approval he needed. Your lips lock and for a moment all of your history slips away. He’s just a boy with a very certain kiss.

“Does that change anything?”

#ander #ander imagine #ander one shot #ander drabble #ander blurb #ander fanfiction #ander request #ander writing #ander x reader #ander x you #ander x y/n #ander elite #elite imagine #elite drabble #elite blurb #elite one shot #elite writing #elite request #elite fanfiction

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benscursedkid · 5 years

Text

Must Have Been The Wind

synopsis: ben’s just a stressed and tired college student looking for a break. strangely enough, the girl who cries in the middle of the night from the apartment directly above his might be just what he was looking for...

pairing: ben copper x f!mc reader

genre: romance, muggle!au, modern!au, f2l???

warnings: implied mentions of insomnia and anxiety if you squint, mature language (v mild)

words: 8k

tag: @badeeaswife

a/n: so this turned out longer than i expected it to be, heh heh. i haven’t seen very many modern aus or muggle aus so i hope whoever reads this enjoys!!

*inspired by the song of the same name by Alec Benjamin*

“we can talk about the noise when you’re ready

but ‘till then

i’ll say it must have been the wind”

“Hey, Ben! How was work today?”

Ben turns at the familiar voice of his neighbor, the pretty blonde girl as cheerful as ever. “It was work, Penny,” Ben shrugs his shoulders, sagging with exhaustion. “There’s not really much one can expect from a job working at a 7-Eleven.”

Penny frowns, leaning against her door frame, mail forgotten in her hand as she gives the man a once over. “You looked tired, Ben. Are you sure you should be taking the midnight shifts?”

Fumbling with his keys, his own mail hanging from his mouth, Ben shakes his head in response. “They’re the only ones I can actually make, Pen. I’m busy all day long with classes and I don't have the time for any others.”

“Yeah, but, I’m worried about you,” Penny sighs, watching the fellow blonde struggle to open the door to his apartment. “You never get any sleep, you rely solely on Mountain Dew to keep you awake, and you barely make your morning classes on time rushing out the door, you’re a full-time college student– double major… You need to take better care of yourself.”

The door finally opens and Ben allows himself a silent victory before turning to address his friend.

“I know, Penny, and thank you for caring about me,” She offers him a grin, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes, worry replacing the usual brightness. “It’s just until Jae and I get things here a bit more stable, I promise.”

For a moment Penny peers at him doubtfully, but eventually trusts him to come to her if things go astray and she nods. Ben smiles at her, trying his best not to let his eyes droop too low and makes for his apartment.

“Oh, Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Someone just moved in upstairs, so y’know,” Pointing towards the ceiling, Penny begins to retreat back into her own home. “In case there’s a lot of noise, don’t worry about it. They’ll move in soon enough.”

A tired groan escapes him, but he manages to shoot the girl a curious glance. “How do you always know everything?”

“I ask.”

“Fair,” He concedes before his door shuts behind him.

⏭

Ben is woken from his sleep by the loud sound of a crash.

Immediately, his head lifts from its place on his desk, drool already dry on the corners of his mouth and neck popping in protest of his sudden movement. He casts a long, cautious look about his apartment. Jae’s pulling an all-nighter with Badeea, their new partner assignment due first thing tomorrow, so he’s all alone in the empty space, the moonlight just managing to peek through his bedroom window.

At first, Ben’s afraid the sound came from within his own apartment and he begins to panic, his blood running cold. His mind is sifting through all the worst case scenarios out of habit, sweat starting to bead on the back of his neck. Has someone broken in? Did they shatter their windows? It is just the first floor, not exactly difficult to sneak into. Are they coming for him? Are they here to steal? Are they going to hurt him?

However, these fears are quickly quelled by another sound, this time clearly coming from the apartment directly above his.

Someone’s crying.

From what he can tell in his half-asleep state, he thinks it sounds like a woman. The sobs coming from upstairs are faint, but unmistakable. He’s had enough breakdowns in his stressful college career to know what cries sound like.

Ben ponders what’s happened to warrant the tears from the obviously upset woman. This hasn’t happened before and he’s not quite sure what to do. Briefly he considers leaving her be, knowing that sometimes in bad situations the best thing you can do for someone is to give them space. Though the sound of breaking glass worries him and with a grunt, he gets up to go investigate, despite every bone in his body telling him it’s a bad idea and begging him for sleep.

On his way out he checks the time on his microwave.

3:53 a.m.

He just got back from his shift close to forty-five minutes ago, likely having fallen asleep finishing up his classwork. Great, he’ll have to finish that when he gets back.

Taking a breath and ignoring his frantic nerves, his walks quietly to the elevator, careful not to wake up any of his neighbors. If Merula or Andre hear him at this hour he’ll be apologizing for weeks.

Once he reaches the elevator, he checks one last time for any angry complaints, before hitting the button for the second floor. As he goes up, he briefly wonders what he’s getting himself into, questioning whether someone has broken into this woman’s apartment and if he’s walking straight into his own demise.

A ding sounds upon reaching his destination and he walks down the hall to her apartment, counting each number until he finds the seventh from the right of the elevator, like his own counterpart. Without taking time for thought, in fear of backing out, he raps his knuckles against the door.

At the intrusion, the tell-tale sound of pattering feet fill his ears and idly Ben thinks of how wrinkled his clothes must be and how dark the circles under his eyes probably are. If he opened the door to that in the middle of the night, he’d probably send whoever it is straight back.

The knob twists and the door cracks open just enough for a young woman, looking to be around his age, to peak out. Upon deducing he’s likely not a threat, the door opens to allow them a better view of each other.

He doesn’t recognize you and assumes you must be the new neighbor Penny had told him about. You look as tired as he feels and this brings a small sense of relief to his mind, a tiny solace in this strange situation. Your eye bags, Ben thinks, could give his own a run for their money and your hair is disheveled and shoulders slouched low. Your oversized sweater is pulled up all the way to your chin, almost enough for you to bury your nose in it.

“Can I help you?”

Your voice is scratchy and raw and Ben is sure you’re the one he’d heard from downstairs. It’s only once he realizes this does he notice the puffiness by your eyes, clearly a sign you’ve been crying. Yet you act as if they aren’t there, looking at him wearily from your place in the doorway.

Ben shakes himself from his thoughts, a reply spilling swiftly from his lips. “I’m from the apartment below yours and I heard a noise. It sounded like something broke… I just wanted to see if you needed any help.”

Your hand itches to wipe the lingering wetness from your eyes but you refrain, shrugging (hopefully) nonchalantly. “I think your ears are playing tricks on you.”

His eyebrow furrows, unconvinced, but not wanting to pry too much. Still, he persists once more. “Are you sure? Nothing happened? I thought I heard someone…” He hesitates, wondering if he should mention the sobs he’d heard. “...someone break something.”

You gift him a shake of your head and a half-smile with no light to it. “Thanks for caring, sir–”

“Ben.”

“–Ben, that’s nice of you, but I should probably go back in,” You back up from the door and wave to him. “Wish I could tell you about the noise, but I didn’t hear a thing. It must have been the wind.”

“Yeah,” He nods to himself, suddenly wondering why on Earth he’d dragged himself up here at this ungodly hour. You’ve made it clear that whatever was going on is something you can handle on your own. Still, he wonders if you’ll be okay tonight. “Yeah, okay. Sorry to bother you.”

“You’re fine, sorry you came all this way for nothing.”

“It’s okay,” He waves off your concerns like batting away a fly. “Have a goodnight.”

“You, too.”

You close your door and Ben makes his way back to the elevator, more tired than he was before. His feet drag as he shuffles back to his apartment, practically able to hear his bed crying out from lack of use.

True to character, he takes a Mountain Dew from his fridge, making note to buy some more tomorrow at work, and takes a seat at his desk to finish his assignment.

It’s only when he crawls into bed an hour later does he realize he never asked your name.

⏭

The second time he hears it, Ben knows it’s not the wind.

It’s been two weeks since he’d gone up to your apartment that night and he hasn’t spoken to you much more since then. Penny was quick to befriend you, though Ben knows first-hand that it’s just a talent of hers. That girl was even able to befriend Talbott from 5D and in the two years Ben and Jae have lived in that apartment, he can count on one hand the amount of times he’s heard him speak.

Your name is MC, from what he gathered during his talks with Penny. Apparently, you took swiftly to Chiara and Tulip from your floor, two people Ben has only ever encountered during one of Penny’s or Diego’s house parties. He also heard that this is your third move in a year and ponders how long you’ll be staying this time.

Strangely, he finds himself hoping it’s a while.

He’s only seen you a few times around the building, with his busy schedule and your free time occupied with moving into your place, it’s rare to catch either of you with a spare moment these days. On those occasions, the two of you weren’t able to move beyond nods of acknowledgement and brief pleasantries. Though, the one time he helped you carry some boxes up to your apartment, he found that he’d really enjoy getting to know you better.

At current, Ben looks up at your apartment from his place on the floor. He’d collapsed onto the floor of his room after getting off his shift early that night. Evidently, his co-worker –Ismelda?– had been asking around to trade shifts to make her sister’s wedding and for once Ben jumped at the chance for a good night’s rest. Granted he’ll have to make time to come in early tomorrow, but it’s worth it.

You’re crying again, he realizes upon further inspection. He hadn’t heard a shatter this time, but that doesn’t do much to ease his worries. Slowly, he sneaks into Jae’s room and taps on his sleeping figure, his mind already made up.

Jae groans into his pillow, burying his head further into the white cushion. Ben takes this as his que to explain.

“Hey, um– I’ll be right back, okay? I gotta go.. get something.”

His roommate simply grunts and Ben figures that’s as good a response as he’ll get from him at the moment.

This time it’s only ten past midnight when he leaves his apartment, pajamas definitely wrinkled and hair a mess, but that’s the least of his worries. Making his way into the elevator, he waits until the doors open and makes a beeline to your door, pulling nervously at his sleeves. He’s not sure how you’ll take another late night disturbance, but tells himself it’s best to make sure you’re okay before going back to bed.

After two knocks, your door swings open and you yawn before greeting your visitor.

“Ben?” You ask, the same puffy eyes and raspy voice from last time. “What are you doing here? Do you need something?”

Ben chuckles, antsy, and shakes his head. “No, well, actually I was wondering if you’re okay? I was downstairs and I– uh, thought I heard something.”

You smile at his thoughtfulness, but deny the notion nonetheless. “Nothing up here, sorry. Must have been the wind.”

“The wind, yeah,” The man hums, though it’s clear that he doesn't believe you. You don’t attempt to come up with a better excuse, however, and Ben decides that you’ll tell him when, and if, you’re ready. “Okay, well– um, if you ever need anything, I guess you know where to find me.”

“Yes, thank you,” You reply as sweetly as you can, ready to bid your goodbyes. Though as Ben turns to leave, you can’t help but call out to him. “Oh and, Ben?”

He just turns and the sincerity in his soft brown eyes catch you just a little off guard. “Thanks for caring.”

This time he’s the one who smiles, an actual, genuine smile that makes his eyes sparkle with an energy you don’t recall from last time. You can’t help but reciprocate and you wish him a goodnight before retreating back to the empty shadows of your apartment.

⏭

Ben stifles a yawn as he struggles to keep his head from falling on the counter. The store is quiet and empty, not a single person around for entertainment. The sky has long since darkened into an inky black, the clouds shielding the stars from sight. The shift is slow, but then again, he never really gets more than four customers at these hours, anyway.

He’s resting his head in his hands, preparing to lose his battle against sleep when the bell above the entrance door chimes and he bolts up right.

Certain he’ll get whiplash at this rate, he peers around the store for the wandering customer. It’s hard to see from his place by the register, but a girl is looking around, huge jacket practically dangling off her smaller figure. She has a hood pulled over her head and he’s unable to identify her, too used to the regulars, but he dismisses it and checks the time.

He has another half hour before he can go home and Ben tries his best to stay awake until then.

After five more minutes of looking around, the girl brings a handful of things to the checkout, finally pulling off her hood. He recognizes her immediately.

“MC?”

You look up from your phone, a shocked expression on your face. Despite the time of night, you don’t look as tired as the last few times he’s seen you and Ben takes that as a good sign. Your eyes also don’t seem to hide the remnants of tears, another good thing that almost has him smiling. Instead, he rubs the back of his neck shyly as a more proper greeting.

“Hey, Ben,” You offer a half-smile for the first time and it brightens up your entire face, leaving Ben a little short of breath. “I didn’t know you worked here?”

One by one, Ben begins to ring up your things, anxiously chewing at his bottom lip. He’s not used to the attention from anyone besides Penny and he’s not quite sure what to say.

“I take the late night shifts…”

“I can see that.”

“Right.”

A grimace finds its way on his face, the awkwardness of this conversation enough to make him wish the ground would swallow him whole. However, he’s rendered slightly speechless when a tiny, barely there giggle falls from your mouth. Now he’s sure his cheeks, neck, all the way up to his ears are probably dusted an embarrassing shade of pink, but he can’t really find it in himself to care too much if that sound becomes more commonplace between you.

“I don’t really see you around the building too much,” You start, examining the nutrition labels of your items with suspicious interest. “Is this where you always run off to?”

Ben shakes his head, going a little slower on ringing up your –groceries?– things. “Ah, not all the time. Most of my time is actually spent at the library, I hardly do anything but study these days.”

“Oh, you attend college here?”

“Yeah,” He’s still a little unnerved, but he’s significantly pleased with how easy conversation flows with you. “I knew going for a double major was a bad idea…”

You purse your lips in thought, taking a pause to sweep over the man before you one more time. He does look exhausted, every time you’ve seen him since moving in he hasn’t been without the company of tired eyes and a spent expression. Though, you think he could say the same for you, always seeming to catch you at the worst of times…

“I’ve always wondered what it’s like to double major, seems like it’s not for everyone.”

Ben laughs at this, dry and uneven, almost like it were an inside joke that you don’t understand. “To be honest, I’m not quite sure it’s for me.”

“Then why did you do it?”

He shrugs then, mindlessly, rotating to bagging the things you’ve bought. “I don’t know, I guess I just couldn’t decide what I wanted to do and I thought I’d do both? Even I don’t understand my logic there, but I can’t just quit now.”

You fish the appropriate amount of money from the pocket of your jacket and hand it to him. He takes it with a customary smile and starts adding your change. “Well, I think it was very brave of you. Not everyone has the courage to chase their dream, let alone two of them.”

Ben halts his calculations, his brown irises snapping up to meet yours, the question on his tongue reflected in his eyes.

“You think so?” He asks, and when he speaks his voice is so soft, so uncertain, like he has no idea what he’s doing and your heart clenches just slightly in your chest.

Maybe it’s the time of night that loosens his lips, or possibly his significant lack of sleep, but he finds that your opinion matters a lot to him for someone he hardly knows.

You nod then, the action relieving some of the weight from his shoulders and he hands you the rest of your change. “I, uh– thanks.”

“No problem.”

With nothing left to say, you’re about to head back over to your shared building when he asks you a last minute question.

“Do you go to school, too?” He stutters for a second, seemingly rethinking his decision to ask in the first place. “If you don’t mind me asking that is. I don’t mean to intrude.”

It’s endearing, you think, the way he tries his hardest not to offend you, his cheeks pinking just a smidge.

“I used to,” You say, hesitating on whether or not he deserves an explanation. Well, he doesn’t necessarily deserve one, per se, but you like him. You find that you don’t mind if he knows why. “I never finished my junior year… family troubles.”

The store clerk senses that he won’t get anything more than that, not that he cares. He’s really just happy you haven’t asked him to shut up yet.

He nods, picking his hand up off the counter to wave you farewell in lieu of an actual goodbye. You wave back, your steps a bit lighter than they were when you came in.

Likewise, when Ben stumbles into his apartment later that night and isn’t greeted with the sound of sobs coming from upstairs, he decides that he definitely wants to get to know you better.

⏭

Since that night, you, oddly as far as Ben is concerned, have taken to visiting him during his shift. You always come in around the same time –ten past two in the morning– and he’s starting to wonder if the two of you are just simply nocturnal.

You don’t ever get more than a handful of items, sometimes you don’t even get anything at all. You’ll just come in and have a seat by his checkout counter and the both of you will talk until it’s time for you to take your leave. The topic of your conversations are mindless subjects, never on the same thing for long. At first you adventured the typical subjects of favorites; food, color, movie, song, etc. However, it didn’t take long for him to grow comfortable in your presence and he’s going out on a limb here, but he thinks you feel the same way.

Now, you often times walk in with something random on your tongue, likely having been stuck in your head all day long. Ben doesn’t mind, he’s grateful for a friendly face to keep him going during his utterly boring shifts, and it’s humorous to him the things that occupy your mind.

At the current moment, you’re seated in a chair Ben has set up just for your visits, humming along to the song on the radio overhead, a bag of popcorn in hand. You had managed to convince him to stay on this one station that doesn’t play anything that came out after the 80’s, but it’s nice to see you relaxed and happier. Besides, he secretly listens to this station before you show up, anyway.

Since your first visit two months ago, Ben hasn’t heard you crying late at night more than three times. Ben hopes these sessions of yours will continue to diminish until it becomes a thing of the past, causing him to wonder if maybe his groggy state had made up the entire thing. Until then, all he can do is give you his employee discounts and hope for the best.

“Do you know this song?” You inquire, ending the comfortable silence that had enveloped you when you came in.

Ben scoffs, the familiar melody flooding his ears. “I’d be more surprised if I didn’t. Penny listens to these guys like it’s her job. ‘Can hear it from across the hall at least once a week.”

You snicker, hiding behind your hand. The ABBA lyrics flowing in your ears, providing you with a bit more energy this early in the morning. “Waterloo is nice, but I personally like Fernando a bit more.”

The blonde shakes his head fondly and you raise your eyebrow at him. “What?”

“Nothing,” He denies, the tiniest hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I just thought that you’d like something less… mainstream.”

“Mainstream?” You gasp, not believing what you were hearing. You mock offense and Ben chuckles under his breath, careful not to be so loud as to disturb the customer in the back. “Well, what’s your favorite, then?”

He ponders this for a moment, but eventually he sighs, not having come to a definite conclusion. His pink lips curve into a tiny pout that’s much cuter than what you think is fair. “Truthfully, I’m more of a Billy Joel-David Bowie person.”

You want to tease him, but in truth it’s fits him well. It’s all too easy to imagine him sweeping this store, whistling along to the tune of Piano Man, and you grin at the thought.

“Don’t let Penny hear you say that,” You warn goodnaturedly and Ben shakes his head. “She won’t be as understanding.”

Ben shudders at the implication, a shiver traveling all the way down his spine. “God, no. That girl is really scary sometimes.”

Waterloo comes to its end and is replaced by the melody of Three Dog Night, accompanied by a hint of nostalgia for a time you never experienced. A mistake, you’re sure.

A memory comes to mind, one that has you pausing in your humming and Ben admires you curiously. “My brother liked David Bowie…”

Taking notice of your use of past tense, Ben halts as you kick at the dust by your shoe. Only once have you mentioned your brother in the, admittedly short, time he’s known you, but it’s not hard to deduce that it’s a sensitive subject with you. All he knows about the guy is that you don’t talk often, a fact you had stuttered out from nervousness. He knows better than to pry, but he can’t say he isn’t curious.

It’s as he’s debating on changing the topic that you pull yourself from your reverie, playfully throwing a piece of popcorn at him. It’s a half-assed effort, but Ben doesn’t complain as the snack bounces off his forehead.

Ben huffs and steals a piece to throw at you in return and within seconds you’re littering the floor with cheese powder and popcorn. A piece he throws your way finds purchase in your hair and he can’t help the laugh that tumbles from his throat, or his resulting smile when you do the same. It’s not until he hears the clearing of a throat do you cease fire long enough for Ben to actually do his job.

After a minute, Ben rings up the man’s things and hands them back to him, waving a weak goodbye to the regular and the store is empty once again. This time, it’s you who clears their throat as you ask him something that you meant to a while ago.

“Do you have any siblings?” You regard him, tilting your head out of interest. The man looks to you briefly and shakes his head. “Only child, then?”

“Yep. I always wanted one growing up, until this one family moved in next door,” He laughs as he recalls the memory of his neighbors, each one with fiery red hair. To this day he still does a double take whenever he sees someone else with the color, expecting six others to be in tough. “After that I realized I didn’t need one to be happy.”

You nod along to his words, suddenly quiet. For some reasons unknown to him, this unnerves Ben, already used to the harmonious sound of your voice and the spark in your eye when you talk about things you like. Watching you now, a look of thoughtfulness on your face, he’d do anything to know what you’re thinking.

He’s about to interrupt, to ask for himself, but you beat him to it.

“Do you ever feel lonely?”

You survey him with sad eyes, not quite glossy with tears, but he swears he can see the ones that escape when you think no one is listening. There’s a sense of vulnerability there that he didn’t expect; didn’t expect you to share with him, to allow him to see. In their depths he can see pain, too, though it’s nothing new; everyone knows that it’s loneliness’ best friend.

Idly, he wonders who put it there.

However, when you ask him this, your voice wavers, shaky and almost afraid, something he is closely acquainted with himself. You’re seeking answers for something more than just the question voiced, from someone who doesn’t have them. And, dear God, he wished he did, even if just for your sake. Never did he anticipate something like this from someone he’s only known a few months, but that ceases to matter to him as he softens at your imploring gaze.

The college student decides to answer your question, as that’s the best he can do for you at the moment.

“Sometimes,” He confesses and somehow he knows that’s not the answer you wanted. You deflate, shrinking back into your winter coat.

Not giving himself the chance to second guess himself, he reaches an arm out and tucks a stray piece of hair out of your face. His hands are clammy and his nerves are eating at him, but he thinks you’re more important right now. You look up at him like a deer caught in the headlights, but gently lean into the touch even so.

His licks his lips, which are much more dry than they were a minute ago. “But,” He murmurs, the song filtering through the speakers long forgotten, fading into background noise. You cling onto every word he says, desperate for the words of wisdom from someone with experience. “Sometimes the people I surround myself with are all I need.”

⏭

“We are not watching a horror movie,” Ben pouts as his roommate laughs, the sound filling his ears like an echo, mocking him. “You know I don’t like those!”

“Yes, Benjamin, we’re aware that you’re a baby,” Jae sniggers as the other man tosses the closest pillow at his head, the former just barely dodging it. Penny laughs, nudging her own roommate with an ‘that’s totally us’ look.

The aforementioned roommate, Tonks, takes the opening to throw another pillow at the raven haired boy, causing him to smirk, and Ben knows what that means. Thus a full blown pillow fight arises and Ben is left to pull back to the sidelines.

Feathers and stuffing is falling from the pillows and Ben decides that they’ll have to get new pillows on his next day off.

“They’re fighting again?” You sigh from his left, a fresh bowl of popcorn and m&m’s, per Tonks’ request, observing the chaos before you.

He shoots you a quick glance before humming his response. “Well, if you count pillow fighting ‘fighting’.”

“What other kind is there?” You grin and Ben doesn’t fight the one spreading his own lips apart.

Tilting his head in a rare moment of snark, he gestures to the bowl in your hand. “The popcorn kind.”

“Touché,” You surrender with a chuckle, going back to admiring your neighbors. “Are they always like this?” Laughing, you offer the bowl to him.

Ben caves and grabs a handful, earning a sharp glare from you, though the both of you know there’s no legitimate malice behind it. “Yeah, when you put them together.”

“Wow,” Is all you can say as the two of you continue to eat the popcorn for what was supposed to be a joint movie and ‘get to know the new girl’ night, unbeknownst to the others.

“You think this is bad, you should have seen Diego and Barnaby’s party in July,” He whistles low, recalling the night from last year, a grimace painting his face. “Man, that was insane. Or New Year’s! Honestly, I’m surprised Binns hasn’t kicked them out, yet.”

Sparing him a glimpse, you make no move to join in the battle that’s taken up residence in his living room, albeit beginning to wind down. “I take it you don’t like parties?”

The question has him fidgeting a little, taking his bottom lip between his teeth and twiddling his thumbs. “I’m, uh, not good with groups.”

You nod, taking a leap. “Then thank God two isn’t a crowd.”

His eyes snap to you, but you ignore the look on his face as Tonks points an accusatory finger at you both.

“Hey! Don’t eat all the popcorn, you fiends!”

...

Ben snaps awake when he registers movement to his left as you get up from where you’d been sitting beside him. He wipes the drool from his chin as you head into the bathroom and he takes a quick scan around the room.

Everyone is still there, sitting on the sofa, asleep. Jae’s snoring is the only other sound in the room aside from the credits of their third movie. Penny has fallen asleep on his friend’s shoulder and Tonks is spread out across the rest of the couch, head resting on her lap. The glare of the television reflects off the bubblegum pink of her hair and Ben stifles a laugh. Though, it’s not something he sees frequently and it does bring a hidden smile to his face.

Even if Penny had threatened to spill something into all their drinks to watch Pretty in Pink, he does appreciate their companionship, and he’s glad that they can still find the time to have fun together.

Ben reaches for the remote to shut off The Breakfast Club, Jae’s pick, and checks the time on his phone.

1:27 a.m.

Running a tired hand down his face, Ben debates waking up his friends to seek the comfort of their own beds or leaving them be to sleep on his couch. He’s about to wake up Jae to ask his opinion when you reappear from the bathroom.

Even from his place on the couch he can see the tear stains on your cheeks, the moonlight the only thing aiding his vision as it casts a glow upon your face. You pause when you see him awake, surely knowing you’ve been caught, but you stride back over to your seat and wrap yourself back up in the blanket.

Without much thought, Ben offers you more of it and you take it gratefully. Sniffling, you look anywhere but at him and he wonders why it hurts so much.

Rubbing the back of his neck, a nervous habit, he glances around to make sure the rest of their friends are still asleep before going to question you. When all appears well, he opens his mouth, but you beat him to the punch, something he realizes isn’t so unusual with you.

“I should probably head back,” You say, providing a small, mirthless smile, and shuffling under the blankets. You pass the rest of them over to him and head for your phone by the outlet in the tiny kitchen. “I’m meeting with someone in the morning about maybe being my roommate so…”

He nods on instinct, getting up to walk you to the door, remembering you mention something to him earlier. “Yeah, uh- Rowan, right?”

He doesn’t know why it matters, why he’d said it, but you give your confirmation, anyway. “Yeah. Rowan.”

He can’t help but fidget with his fingers, not quite sure what to do with his hands as you shrug on your coat. Words are failing him, nothing forming or stringing together right as he goes about asking you about what happened. Every time he’s caught you in the past, you brush him off, which Ben isn’t sure is healthy. He’s aware you’re probably not comfortable talking about it with him, and that’s fine, but he can’t just let you walk away while in a bad state of mind. This is especially considering you’ve been a very welcomed outlet for him these past months, helping his handle and manage all his stress, something he’s immensely thankful for. He’s just not sure how to return the favor when you won’t let him…

His cheeks feel hot now and he’s positive that were there better lighting in the room you’d be able to see it. For once, he is grateful for the darkness of night.

“You don’t have to, you know. If you don’t want to,” You send him a puzzled look and he sighs, fearing that he’d have to explain. “It’s late and we’re all tired, so you– er, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I know it’s not necessarily a long journey or anything, but you can sleep on the couch if you want, or you can have my bed if you’d prefer that.”

He’s cringing internally, already anticipating your rejection. He was too nervous, too jittery, and now you’re not going to want to come back. Why would you, when all he does is interrogate you and ask questions you don’t want to answer?

You take ahold of his hands that he hasn’t left alone since you got to the door and pull his attention back to you. There’s a smile on your lips when he looks up from his shoes, something that looks out of place on your tear stained face, but still enchanting nonetheless. He’s rendered speechless by the strength he finds in you and you wrap your arms sagely around his neck.

Ben freezes for a moment, not sure if this is real or not, but when you don’t pull away and he doesn’t wake up back on the couch, he realizes that he is indeed awake. With a start, he goes to snake his own arms around your waist and you grin against his neck. After a few more seconds of reveling in each other’s embrace, you pull away and you don’t look quite as sad anymore.

“Thank you,” You whisper into the void, silence surrounding you like a mist. You almost go to pull him into another hug as he lets out a breath of relief, finding the action more endearing than you probably should. “But I couldn’t do that to you.”

“It’s fine,” He assures, one hand still lingering on your hip, seemingly going unnoticed by him. “You know you’re always welcome here.”

The words I know are on the tip of your tongue, ready to fall off, to be said and heard, but you swallow them. Instead, you just smile wider, hoping that he senses this is nothing to do with him and that regardless of whether you stay or don’t, nothing is his fault. However, he’s stubborn, something not a lot of people know, and you know full well that his habit of blaming himself is almost as bad as yours. You know that, right now, with your decision made, there’s nothing you could say to convince him otherwise.

That alone has you close to reconsidering.

Still, you’re stubborn, too, and insist. “You’ve got enough on your hands with the three of them,” Gesturing over to your other friends, still asleep on the sofa, you open the door and bid your goodnight. “Don’t worry about me, Ben, I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, yeah, alright. Goodnight then, MC.”

Your heart breaks just a little for him as he closes the door, no mistaking the solemn expression on his face as he does so. It clicks shut and you sigh, asking why you always have to ruin things for yourself.

“Goodnight, Ben.”

⏭

The door to his apartment creaks open as he tumbles in, his muscles begging him for sleep. Thankfully, he finished up his coursework during his shift tonight and he has nothing left to do other than crash and attempt to get as much sleep as he can before his 8 a.m. class.

The place is eerily silent when he closes the door behind him, the sound of Jae’s loud snores absent, something he’s become accustomed to hearing upon his return home.

Walking around, he manages to spot a note taped to the fridge and he walks over to read it.

Ben,

staying at billingsley’s tonight, assignment due tomorrow.

be back later.

-J

With a sigh and a shrug, he tosses the note and grabs a glass of water before heading to bed. Grabbing one from the cabinet, he does his best not to fall asleep before reaching his room. He never likes being home alone after a shift, something about the complete and utter silence always unsettles him.

He’s ready to go to sleep, skipping putting on pajamas and going straight to bed, when he’s met with a familiar sound, one he hasn’t heard in a while.

It’s you, and you’re crying again.

A curse leaves his lips and his chest feels tight. You’re crying, again, and he doesn’t know what to do. He still doesn’t know why you’re always up at this hour or what it is that makes you cry, but he swears if he has to hear you suffer one more time…

His hands itch for a plan, something to do to help you, make you feel better, but his mind is blank. If you hadn’t confided in him all the times before, what makes this time any different? I mean, why would you let him in this time? Even so, he decides, there has to be something he can do, because Ben knows that the whispering of the wind doesn’t sound like heart wrenching sobs and a promise broken by empty words.

With nothing else to do, he trusts his instincts and goes with the first thing that comes to mind.

Dragging one of the chairs from their poor excuse of a dining table, he walks it over to where the sound is loudest, figuring that must be where you are. Pulling his phone from his pocket and grabbing the bluetooth speaker off the counter, he climbs up onto to chair and pulls up a song the two of you heard on the radio a few days ago during his shift. He places the speaker as close to the ceiling as he can and takes a breath.

He knows how weird this must look from an outside point of view, hell this is weird to him, but it’s the only thing he can think of. He doesn’t know if this will work at all, quite frankly he’s pretty sure it won’t, but he has to try, right?

He closes his eyes for a second and hopes against hope that the walls are thicker than he knows them to be before pressing play.

As the music of Lean On Me begins to play, drifting smoothly throughout the dullness of his apartment and the voice of Bill Withers fill his ears, the crying ceases. He allows the song to play, wondering and wishing that you can hear it and know what it means. He’s never been the best with words, or expressing himself, but he hopes this conveys the message for him.

Seconds pass and he doesn’t hear anything, he just stands there in silence, holding the speaker up to the roof. No sound comes from your apartment and he wonders if maybe you’re ignoring him, or perhaps you went to sleep. Just as he’s starting to think that maybe he fucked up, there’s a knock at his door.

He puts the speaker down, but doesn’t turn it off on the off chance that you’re still upstairs listening to it, and walks over to his door. His first thoughts are that it’s one of his neighbors, here to complain about the noise at three something in the morning. Merula, possibly, or Andre. He’s not really sure which one he prefers.

Though, when it swings open, that’s not what he finds.

You’re there, hair and eyes wild as you regard him. As he expected, there are fresh tears in your eyes, though this time you don’t bother hiding them or wiping them away. You simply stand there, regarding him with a frown tugging your mouth down in a somber expression. You’re in your pajamas, wrinkled and much too big for you, but you don’t seem to care much about how you look right now. Instead, you look at him, a desperate plea dying on your tongue and his mind hurls to a stop.

Without a word, you throw yourself into his arms and this time he doesn’t hesitate to reciprocate the hug, pulling you closer into him. Ben holds you like porcelain, afraid that if he squeezes too tight you’ll break. He cradles you to him, delicately, like one would a distressed child. A few more tears slip from your eyes, dampening the shoulder of his shirt. He doesn’t care.

You stay there like that, in each other’s arms where both of you feel the safest, door wide open for anyone to see while the song reaches its crescendo. As the music fades and the speaker goes quiet, you pull away, but stay nestled against him.

Ben takes this opportunity to speak, deciding to hell with it and saying something he should have said a long time ago.

“Look, MC, I’m not playing tricks on you, okay. You’re always welcome to come in, no matter what time it is or what you’re here for. You can stay here for an hour or two or three or however many you want when it’s too quiet in your apartment or the space feels too big or if you just need a friend,” The words are out in the open now, and distantly a voice in his mind is yelling at him, telling him to stop while he’s ahead, or more accurately, before he’s too far behind, but he can’t. The words, they tumble from his mouth one by one, unable to stop himself. “I’m sorry for always bothering you. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but you don’t have to. I’m here if you just want company–”

“Ben–”

“No, you need to hear this!” He pushes on, knowing that if he stops now, he’ll never be able to bring himself to do it again. “We can talk about the noise when you’re ready, but ‘til then…” He sighs, not wanting to give you an out, another excuse to bottle things up, but he knows pushing you won’t do any good either. “...it must have been the wind.”

Your breath catches in your throat, your own words from months ago echoing back in your ears. It sounds fake, even to you, though you always knew it did. There was just nothing else to be said at the time… but there is now.

“It’s not the wind,” You hear yourself say, the words leaving your mouth in a rush, like it was something you had to get off your chest. It is.

The shock you see in his eyes is expected, but the way they begin to soften the longer he looks at you with those gorgeous, sincere brown irises of his gives you the push you need to finally tell him everything.

“That first night you came to my house, the crash you heard was me being a klutz and dropping a picture frame,” You admit sheepishly, the night from all those months ago something you’ve tried not to think about since it happened, though it’s easier said than done. “It wasn’t really the frame that I was upset about as it was the picture in it.”

Ben reaches for your hand, giving you a patient nod to continue. “It’s the last picture I have of my brother and me. I was already stressed with the move and being reminded of things just didn’t help.”

“MC,” Ben whispers, careful not to scare you or make you feel pressured. His tone is soft and light, kind, and you appreciate it in this moment. “What happened to your brother?”

You gulp, dreading saying it out loud, it always makes it feel more real that way. Though it’s not like you doubt the truth in it, anyway.

“He went missing almost two years ago,” The confession causing new tears to sting your eyes, already red and puffy from minutes ago. You ignore them, having grown used to their company. “Nobody knows where he is, how he went missing in the first place, how he’s doing, if he’s even alive…”

“Sometimes I like to call his cellphone, just to hear his voice again when I’m sent to voicemail, though I’m not really sure why I keep doing it. I know it only makes me feel worse,” You shake your head and tears drip onto his shirt. Ben pulls you to him for another hug and your arms wrap around his waist as you tuck your head into the crook of his neck.

“Is that why you haven’t gone back to school?”

You nod, not moving from his hold. “He wasn’t just my brother, he was my best friend, and now that he’s gone I just… I don’t know what to do. He always had all the plans and he always knew what to do when things went wrong, but he never told me what to do if he disappeared.”

“It’s not fair,” You find yourself growling, surprised at the anger, the resentment in your voice, though should you be? He left without a single word and really, what are you to do about that?

“I know, you’re right,” Ben agrees, wishing more than anything that he could help you, that he could fix it, but he knows he can’t. He can’t bring your brother back, he can’t give you closure or any sort of explanation other than: “It’s not fair.”

You sniffle, seeming to have run out of tears for now, or water in your body. Though, you can’t deny that the support of the blonde man before you doesn’t play a big role in that. “Sometimes… sometimes it’s just really hard not to feel completely alone.”

“You’re not,” Is what comes out of his mouth and the persistence behind it is not something he’s used to in himself, but he can’t dwell on that right now. “You’re not alone, MC, I can promise you that.”

“I know,” Those words, they’re not just something you wish were true now; now you know and can say with full, complete confidence and honesty that you believe. “Now I have you.”

And when you pull back to smile at him, a little broken but hopeful for the first time in what feels like forever, and press your lips softly against his, you know that so long as you have him by your side, you have nothing to worry about.

“we can talk about the noise when you’re ready

but ‘till then

i’ll say it must have been the wind”

70 notes · View notes

littlemsstark3000 · 5 years

Note

tony and nat going to get married with 20." You look amazing tonight.”

Hope this one's good for you! 😊

*****

If there exists a list of "People Who Bust Myths and Do Not Follow Traditions", definitely, Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff would be in there.

While they were in the preparation stage of their wedding, the Avengers power couple visited Clint and Laura's farm home and they oriented them on the do's and don'ts for and on the big day.

"You two should eat before the ceremony. I swear, you wouldn't be able to eat anymore when the event starts. You will feel hunger, but trust me, with everything that's goin on and with all your guests to accommodate, you will end up starving at the end of the day," Laura started, speaking from experience, while they were seated across each other on the couches at the living room.

The genius billionnaire grinned. "I can eat even during the ceremony and no one's gonna stop me."

"But that's inappropriate, Stark," said Clint.

"Inappropriate is my middle name." Tony quipped.

"Tony..."

He put an arm over Natasha's shoulder and smiled at her. "I'm kidding. Loosen up, darling."

"I don't think we'll be too occupied with guests. There are just, I think, 50 of you in the guest list," the redhead spy responded.

"Yeah. Those are 50 of the closest people to both of you whom you cannot just shove away. Those 50 are equal to like 250 friends and acquiantances you need to accommodate," Laura explained.

"Really?"

"Yes, Nat."

The soon-to-be husband and wife looked at each other and shrugged simultaneously.

"Also, wear comfortable shoes. I don't need to elaborate on that, but for your sake, please do," Clint added.

"That's understandable." Tony replied.

"Honeymoon on first night? Not true. You'll be too tired for that," Laura shook her head. "This is validated by my other married friends, too."

Clint chuckled. "It usually happened on the second night onwards."

"Try us. I know my priorities, it can even happen before the wedding day." Tony smirked but his lovely fiancee elbowed his side quite hard.

"Aw!" he winced in pain.

Natasha rolled her eyes.

Her bestfriend and his wife were the ones who glanced knowingly at each other this time.

"Is there anything else?" The bride-to-be inquired.

"Oh. You are not allowed to see each other a day before your wedding day."

"That's..." Tony was about to say 'easy' but he thought again. He knew his EQ is not as high as his IQ. "Why?"

"It's Natasha's day to pamper herself, plus it's tradition. You gotta hold off seeing each other until the moment she walks down the aisle. That's the surprise factor."

"Doesn't make sense to me but, yeah, I'll take it for the me-time purpose," Natasha commented bluntly.

Tony just had to agree. "Sure," he anwered as he gently grabbed her hand and played with her engagement ring again.

*****

To: Tash

Hey sweetheart. In your room.

Natasha discreetly typed a reply.

To: Tony

Ok. Be there in a few.

It was the night before their wedding and she was in Wanda and Sharon's room where the ladies prepared a bridal shower for her. Maria, May and Laura were also there. Tony had his bachelor's party the previous night because he, of all the guys in their circle, has the tendency to get so drunk that he might not be able to wake up in time for the ceremony scheduled at 11:00am. Her party was way safer - no alcohol, just champagne, mocktails and sweets.

Minutes later, they wrapped up and already said goodbye. Maria and May shared room on the same floor, while Laura still has to go down to the room with Clint and their kids, all in Natasha's hotel.

Tony and the rest of the guys stayed in another hotel to, hopefully, follow the tradition. Except that the couple who are about to get married in the morning love breaking rules.

When Natasha got into her suite, her fiance was sitting comfortably on her bed, legs crossed, watching the nightly news.

"Hi, gorgeous." She slid to his side and he snuggled closer to her.

"I missed you," Tony planted a kiss on her lips. "Those Avengers were really making it a mission to separate us today."

"Yeah. Even the ladies here. How'd you sneak out?"

"I have my ways, with the help of a Spiderling who cannot say no to me."

"Brilliant." Natasha pulled his head down for another kiss.

Her husband-to-be gazed over her body in a red, skin-tight dress. She still wore the flower crown and the sash that has 'Mrs. Romanoff-Stark' written; both were made by May.

"You look amazing tonight... I bet you'll look more awesome tomorrow in your wedding gown."

"Don't flatter me Mr. Stark. You already have me."

"Can't stop and won't stop, beautiful." Tony cupped her face with a hand. Both of them now oblivious of the world around them. "God, I'm so lucky..."

Her eyes shone with emotions for this man. "Love you, Antoshka."

"I love you too, sweetheart."

Tony started removing her flower crown and sash and she just let him as she smiled widely.

Buzzer and knocks on her door made them separate again.

"Natasha?" It was Laura's voice.

"Tony, are you in there?" That one was Clint.

Sighing, both of them walked to see the intruders.

"Hey guys," Natasha opened the door and Tony stood behind her, hands on either side of her waist.

Aside from the Bartons, Steve, Sam, Rhodey, Maria, Sharon and Wanda were there.

"Are you all really up to follow this tradition?" Tony's eyebrows furrowed. The two of them were more surprised than annoyed with their friends' beliefs.

Instead of answering them, the group started to talk to each other like crossfire. There were a lot of blaming, bet collection and i-told-you-so exchanged.

"I told you, Tony can't keep up," Laura smirked to Clint.

"Stark, I had faith in you! It's just one day, for heaven's sake!" Clint glared at Tony.

"Wait. So you mean you guys made a bet about this night?" Natasha figured out.

It was Steve who replied. "Yeah. It wasn't about myths and tradition at all. They had bets if you two can stay apart the day before your wedding."

"Enough of this," Rhodey, in his mother hen tone, stepped in. "Tony, you come with us. It's getting late and you need to be up early tomorrow. Get those hands off Nat."

"Right, man. Let's go. You gonna see each other tomorrow anyway." Sam added.

The pack started dispersing until Steve was the only one left to wait for him.

"Where's Peter, Cap?" Tony asked.

"Must be hiding in Thor and Bruce's room. Rhodes knew he helped you escape."

Natasha chuckled and kissed his cheek before gently pushing him out. "Go now and save your son."

"Don't forget that he's now your son, too." He winked at her before walking side by side with their resident Captain to the elevators.

#tony x natasha #iron man #black widow #tony stark #natasha romanoff #ironwidow #otp #marvel #mcu #avengers #iron widow #peter parker #spider-man #spider son #tonynat #tonynatasha

23 notes · View notes

jennifersylvesters · 5 years

Note

Ooo ooo if you're still doing these/taking requests can I get 53. Mutual Pining, 86. I didn't mean to turn you on and 95. Sleep intimacy with Harrison. You can completely ignore this ask if aren't taking any requests anymore. (Or you just don't want to do this specifically)! ❤️❤️

sure, anonny! i actually hadn’t been planning on doing any after that peter one, but tbh i’m always open for requests if y’all want. you ( probably ) know the drill - it’s gonna be bullet points and blurbs. [ just a heads up this will be a haz x fem!reader one. hopefully that’s fine! also i’m not gonna spoil anything but there’s a reference to something that if you’ve seen that photo of harrison - you know what it does 👀👀 ]

53. mutual pining / 86. i didn’t mean to turn you on / 95. sleep intimacy

There are people that arrive in your life that make you wonder how you ever lived without them. They made you want to be a better person, made you wish that they would look at you with the same love and admiration you showed them. Sometimes you wished for them to notice you than more than just a friend. And that’s who Harrison Osterfield was to you.

From the moment you met, everything about Harrison seemed to take your breath away. He was cute, funny, and was always so kind to you. The two of you stuck to one another’s sides, enjoying one another’s presence. Neither of you would admit how your feelings had grown from friends to wanting much more than that.

It was if everyone knew how much the two of you liked one another...Besides you and Harrison. Both of you would claim that it was just a nice friendship, not mentioning the shared smiles, knowing glances, soft touches that linger for seconds longer than they should. But you didn’t want to ruin a perfectly good friendship, not if it meant losing Harrison in the process.

so one day harrison invites you to this party that one of his friends is throwing. it’s supposed to be this posh event, people getting quite glamorous. and you’re a little nervous about this idea just because you’ve gone to events with him before, but he’s never actually told you about a dress code like he did for this one

with a couple of help from friends, you manage to find what you think is a pretty cute dress and your friends think accentuate your figure. sure it’s a bit on the shorter side, but actually makes your legs look longer. and honestly, if harrison notices that - you don’t mind

the night of the party you bring a duffel bag full of your things as you make your way over to harrison’s place. because he’s not sure when the party’s going to end, he tells you that you can crash on his couch for the night. which is fine. you’ve done that before at other friends’ places. you haven’t done it at haz’s, but it’s totally fine. you’re not freaking out or anything. nope, not at all.

your heartbeat quickens as you knock on his apartment door. you hear from the other side him calling out that it’s open and to let yourself in. so you open the door and set your things on the couch before taking a seat. it’s a bit nerve-wracking, which is a little strange because you’ve been to his place before. but this feels more intimate somehow

it’s when you hear him saying that he’s coming out that you stand up, waiting as he exits his room

“Oh” you gasped slightly as he walked out in a three piece red suit, tugging on the blazer.

“You like it?” he asked, smiling nervously.

You couldn’t even speak. God, he looked so good. He would put others to shame, making onlookers stare in awe that anyone could pull off that hue so well. So you just nodded, face tinged pink as you took in the sight of him.

What’s worse was how you couldn’t stop staring. Fantasizes about him ran wild in your mind, none of them you would ever reveal out loud. Shirtless Harrison always made you glance away, afraid that your eyes would drift into inappropriate places that friends didn’t look at. But this Harrison? Full on suit and tie Harrison? It was as if he forced you to look at him, mesmerizing you with every step he took.

“Y/N- Y/N!” You snapped out of your thoughts, finally turning to look at him. “So does it look good? Not too much?” he asked expectantly.

“Y-Yeah. It…It looks…Good” you gulped.

He wandered over to you, standing only a couple feet away as he took in your form. He bit down on his lip, eyes trailing up and down. Your breath hitched as the back of his hand gently ran across your skin, unable to look him in the eyes. Harrison tugged the strap of you dress upright. “You, um, you look amazing” he breathed out.

You thanked him, unaware of how just this little contact had him wishing he could do more than just a simple touch.

so the two of you head to the party and honestly you’re having a good time. it’s a cool venue, actually enjoyable music. harrison’s friends are all polite and welcoming towards you, making you feel included in the whole event.

But there’s this strange tension between the both of you that was difficult to explain. It wasn’t as if either of you meant to put it there, but it was obvious to bystanders that something was going on.

Any time a woman got too handsy with Harrison - touching his chest or bumping shoulders - you couldn’t help but take hold of his arm and cling to him. You could fake niceties, pretending that it was just simply a friendly grab. But you knew it was more than that. You understood that he was a dream to look at, but you didn’t want to share it with anyone else.

Harrison found himself unable to control himself around you as well. As men attempted to flirt with you, he would swoop in placing his hand upon your waist. it was a normal albeit exciting gesture for you, but it was enough for the others to understand that you were off limits.

The two of you were in this strange dance, keeping up the ruse that the two of you were merely friends when your actions said otherwise.

so by the time the event is dying down, it’s around two in the morning. the two of you are in a taxi getting brought back to his place. it’s strange because the tension is still there, nipping at both of you though neither of you want to say anything about it

the two of you enter his place and he lets you know that you can use the bathroom first to get ready for bed. you just politely nod, acting as if this is a normal thing. so you get changed into your sleep clothing which at this point is just an oversized shirt and shorts. you come out of the bathroom just to let him know you’re almost done.

and you find him in his room and he’s still wearing his suit. except he’s taken off the blazer and loosened his tie and popped the top two buttons

if your imagination was running wild before, it’s now in overdrive of how much you want this man

you don’t even realize that as he sits up, he’s not sure how to handle you in something so effortless that makes him think this is the sexiest outfit he’s ever seen. he’s wishing you were wearing one of his shirts instead

“bathroom’s um, free.” “mmkay.” and he stands up and walks towards you. you’re biting down on your lip, unable to move away from him. and when he calls your name, you can’t help but look up at him. and he’s looking from your eyes to your mouth. the next thing you know your lips are colliding with one another, harrison’s hands digging into your hair.

so the two of you are feverishly kissing one another, unable to keep your hands off each other. and it’s as if the two of you had been waiting for this moment to happen, and now are desperate for more than just simple touches

but as he’s trying to yank off his tie, you’re like “no no! keep it” that he can’t help but pause and smirk. “you like this outfit, darling?” he teases you, letting the tie dangle. you hate that he’s calling you out like this, but he looks so amazing that you don’t want him to take it off

he points out how you’ve seen him without his shirt, and he can’t believe that this is what’s getting you turned on. and he obviously had no idea the effect it had on you, thinking it was just a really neat suit. but he can see the lust in your eyes as you watch him adjust the tie again. and honestly, he’s not mad at this reaction seeing as you probably didn’t mean to get him worked up in your pajamas

the two of you go back to making out, you tugging on his hair while his hands have this tendency to roam around your body. and after a while, you kind pull away from him. it’s not that you don’t want this, but you don’t want to rush this. because what is this?? the two of you have gone from taking things at a glacial pace to hitting the gas pedal.

and when you nervously try to clarify the situation, he makes it simple for the both of you. “i like you, Y/N” he confesses so simply that you’re a little shocked. “i thought that was obvious why i kissed you” and it’s taking you a moment to comprehend what he’s saying because you’ve liked him for so long

“when did you start liking me?” “probably from the first day we met” he admits. and you can’t help but bury your face in your hands, just so ecstatic that he’s always felt the same way about you

“why? when’d you start liking me?” he’s curious to know. “um, that moment when you told me about your favorite brand of crisps and then bought it for me the next day. i just thought that was really sweet of you”

“it took a week for you to like me and yet it took me a day to like you,? how is this fair, Y/N?” he jokingly scoffs and you can’t help but giggle

so you tell him how you just want to take things at an easy pace, something that isn’t too fast but obviously not at the speed of how long it took for you guys to admit that you liked one another

he’s understanding because he doesn’t want to take advantage of you. harrison really cares about you and as much as he wants to get to the “exciting activities”, he doesn’t want to lose you if you’re not comfortable. so the two of you decide nothing else is going to happen tonight

except as you’re about to leave his bedroom, he grabs a hold of your wrist. “you can sleep here” he says shyly. and you can tell that he isn’t going to take advantage of you. harrison just wants you to be in his company, especially after waiting for something to blossom for so long.

so you agree to sleep in the same bed even though your heart is pounding out of your chest. and okay - yeah - you love that suit. but when he’s slowly taking it off, tossing the tie to the side and taking his time with the buttons on his shirt before discarding it, you’re thinking how glad you are that he can’t hear your thoughts.

you turn away when he takes off his trousers, refusing to look as he shuffles out of those into comfortable joggers. he chuckles at this, seeing how you’re still shy about this sort of thing

so when he’s finished changing, you squeak as his arms wrap around your shoulders and he kisses your cheek. “m’done changing, love” he murmurs in your ear and you tense up feeling his breath on you. he sees this and can’t help but chuckle again

so the two of you slip under the covers together, and there’s this gap between the two of you where your fingertips are just gently padding one another. he starts taking your hand and just stroking it that you can’t help but smile

each of you starts scooting towards one another, until his forehead is touching yours. “goodnight, y/n” “g-goodnight, haz” and you’re not sure how, but you manage to fall asleep with the man you’ve only dreamed of being with that’s now finally yours

you wake up in the middle of the night, and you didn’t realize how you shifted in your sleep. somehow your head has ended up in the crook of his neck, his arm wrapped around your waist.

you need to use his bathroom so you wriggle out of his grasp. and after you finish your business, you glance at yourself in the mirror. you’ve got this goofy smile on your face despite your tousled hair. and you know it’s because of him

As quietly as you could, you tiptoed your way back to the bedroom. You stood at the doorframe, glad that he was still sleeping softly. He looked so peaceful there, and you couldn’t believe how beautiful he was. Crawling back under the covers, you heard him hum softly.

“Sorry” you apologized softly. “Only needed to use the bathroom.”

He grunted, eyes still closed. His arms reached out towards you, pulling you back into his reach. You slid back into him with his chest pressed tightly to your back. He wrapped his arms around your waist, and you placed your hands on his forearms.

“You back to being mine now, love?” His words took you by surprise. It was strange hearing him saying that, this possessiveness that wasn’t something to fear but a just claim of your heart. And if it was for Harrison, you didn’t mind the implication.

“Course.” You smiled to yourself before you felt him plant kisses in your hair.

“Just stay with me forever.”

“Always” you whispered, shutting your eyes as you thought to yourself how you had no intention of ever breaking that promise.

#asks #Anonymous #harrison osterfield x reader #harrison osterfield x you #harrison osterfield x y/n #harrison osterfield imagine #harrison osterfield blurb #haz osterfield x reader #haz osterfield imagine #haz osterfield x you #haz osterfield x y/n #my writing #and that was the last of the requests!#which is fitting that it's the last day of the sleepover haha

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justinsdaysinthedark · 5 years

Text

Post # 6 - It is what it is

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the past half an hour with tears flowing from my eyes staring at a blank screen wondering how I'm going to get everything I've got floating in my head out. I suppose listening to Coldplay live in Argentina probably wasn't the best choice of music to set the mood. I'll work on that one in the future...

Where do I start? It's been a question I'm often asking myself at the start of these blog posts and it's certainly not the easiest one. What do you guys know? There's been so much happen since my last post on Thursday night.

Friday July 26th: I saw my doctors around lunchtime who came in quite concerned. Whilst they were confident my lymphoma was one called DLBCL (Diffuse Large B- Cell Lymphoma), some tests had come back with suspect results that it could be a more aggressive and harsh type of lymphoma called Burkitt's lymphoma and if confirmed, chemo was starting that night with no time to waste. There was also one marked in the middle (a cross of the two) called Burkitt's Like Lymphoma which is treated similarly to DLBCL. Whatever it was, I couldn't change it. I just wanted answers and if treatment needed to start, let's get it underway!

Adam, my incredible haematology doctor sent off another test of my gall bladder to finally get the confirmation I was after. It was urgent. He had to know. It was reassuring of Adam to state "Justin, we need to know what this is. Preliminary results are due back later this afternoon and that will hopefully rule out Burkitt's. if it is Burkitt's, we'll start chemo tonight and I'll be with you every step of the way - even if I have to stay back a few hours."

I know doctors earn a fair coin on a lazy day, but how many give you that much confidence that you and your health is important to them? I'm going to have it a guess and say not many but alas, I am so incredibly lucky with the team of doctors I have.

4:00pm and Adam strolls in the door heading straight for my room. My heart drops, similarly to what it had when Michael dropped the news I had lymphoma. "Good news. Preliminary results are back and we're confident it's not Burkitt's. You can't rule out anything in life, so there still is a small chance it could be. We're happy to wait for the final results on Monday, figure out a treatment plan from there and start Chemotherapy next week. Spend Saturday and Sunday on day leave and I'll see you next week."

This was news to my ears. In a time of what has been negative or no news, I could spend the weekend with family relatively freely and forget everything was happening for a few hours each day. My Uncle Bob and Aunty Denise were down from Tasmania to see me, as was my Aunty AJ and cousins from Bairnsdale so it all felt like it fit into place.

Friday night saw me considerably more relaxed with this news...that was until Collingwood started and it was the demolition it was. Slightly humorous side note, the nurse came in around 9pm for my nightly observations. Naturally, my heart rate was up a bit more than normal watching the football (118BPM - normally between 70-85BPM). This caused the nurse to call in the team of doctors who wanted to put me on an ECG machine for the night and monitor my heart. I assured them it was because Collingwood were on and if they gave me an hour, I'd be okay. It took some convincing, but it finally worked. Back they came an hour later and it had gone down - crisis averted.

Saturday afternoon and evening was wonderful. I went down to dads for dinner and was fortunate enough to spend some much needed time with family over a beautiful dinner and good laugh.

Sunday was much the same. I went home, mum did a fair chunk of washing for me as I spent it being me. Seeing Courtney, napping in my own bed and even headed over to Fountain Gate and got some much needed new clothes and other miscellaneous items - something that seems so simple but is such a luxury when you've spent the past 15 days in hospital.

Monday July 29th: They say the more you think positively, the more positive news you shall receive....or it goes something like that right? I woke up this morning the most upbeat and best I'd felt in weeks. I felt fine. I felt no pain, almost like I'd woken up from a shitty hotel! In all honesty, I felt like I'm abusing the system however I keep being quickly reminded how much I need to be here. Did I wake up so positive because I lived my old life for 16 hours over the weekend? Is it because I was hoping to hear a reasonably positive outcome with this lymphoma test? Probably a mix of both if I'm honest. But whatever it was, I was hopeful.

Adam came around at roughly 10:00am. Didn't really have much for me in terms of news but more of an outline of the day. If they hear the results of the test they were waiting on, they'd write me up a treatment plan ASAP and get chemo started this afternoon. At worst, I'd be starting it tomorrow (Tuesday). They just needed that definitive answer of what type of lymphoma I have - an answer I'd love more than anybody.

Either way, we agreed i'd need a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line in which basically is a long-term cannula. It runs from the inside of my arm right up and around and stops basically just outside my heart. This is for easy access for the chemotherapy and even an easy exit for blood tests - something that's proven incredibly difficult to take from me over the past few days. Additionally, these lines can last up to six months verses the three days you get from a cannula. There were too many positives to say no to!

This wasn't scheduled for any time in particular, so 1:00pm came around and I was about to be taken to get the PICC line in.

Just as I was about to leave, Adam came in with a few words I'm all too familiar with. "Well, the pathology tests we were waiting on have come back inconclusive..."

Woah. Wait. What? How do tests of my gall bladder that was removed six days ago come back inconclusive? How does one of the main sources not have enough 'data' to tell them what sort of lymphoma I have? I was just stunned.

Adam continued "As a result, we can see some signs of Burkitt's lymphoma and that's what we're going to treat you for. You're young. You should be able to handle it and it's better to over treat you than under treat and be stuck where we are at the moment. It's an intense 16-day chemo treatment that will totally wipe out your red and white blood cells as well as your platelets. We foresee you being in here for another 3-5 weeks, depending on how well your body goes getting these levels back up to normal post this first treatment..."

I honestly say this but that's all I remember from this conversation. I was hoping I'd be heading home this week but looks like that definitely won't be happening. Today marks day 40 of the past 55 days in hospital (day 15 of this stint) and if I go off the longest suggested time expected, I have another 35 days to go. That honestly crushed me.

I got taken down to get my PICC line in - quite an easy process. Very similar to putting in a larger cannula, just a whole lot longer and uses local anaesthetic as well as being guided by an ultrasound and X-ray. I'm lucky enough to have two ports, which will hopefully speed up some of my medication and how much they can pump in. Does it feel weird? The only weird part was feeling it slide down past and near my heart - but that's okay now!

By the time I return, dad made his was in to try and help process the news. We get Adam in to once again explain the process. In layman's terms, I'll be starting an intense and high-dose 16-day chemotherapy program kicking off tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Most of the time across the next 16 days, I'll be hooked up via IV drip getting whatever medication is required. I think I saw I have rest days on days 7 & 8 which I suppose will give me two days to look forward to. At the end of the day, it's something I'm not certain on and will be a day by day process and constant learning about what's going into my body to help fight with me.

I do have one request for you all. With my body not producing red or white blood cells or platelets over the next few weeks, I do request if you are planning to visit however are sick to stay away those extra few days. With my immune system going to be at the lowest it's been, I don't particularly want to pick up something I don't need. Additionally, as much as I'd love flowers, they're also banned due to the infection risk of the spores mixing with the chemotherapy and causing some dangerous damage from the inside.

At the end of the day, if you're not sure please message me and check as I'm not entirely sure myself about everything. I'm constantly learning as I'm going.

How am I feeling? I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the unknown. How will this affect me? How bad am I going to feel? Will I lose my hair? What will my energy levels be like? In advance, I do apologise if over the next few weeks I'm not myself. Truth be told, that's because I probably won't be.

In a way, i'm finally excited to start my treatment first thing tomorrow morning (after yet ANOTHER lumbar puncture). I was so envious of both people next to me getting their first rounds of chemo today. I know mine will be intense but I just can't wait.

I've learnt so much about cancer and chemotherapy over the past four days and I know there's so much more to learn. Today I learnt I'll be incredibly highly cytotoxic, which basically means all needles and anything used on me need to go in a separate bin just for me. Additionally, I'll have to get used to the good old double flush after the toilet to ensure all waste is disposed of. Mouth ulcers are a big issue with most chemo patients as well. I'll have to start brushing my teeth after every meal and taking a special mouthwash 3x daily to assist with keeping these under control. There's plenty of other little things, but they're two I least expected.

Everything really hit me last night....not like it did tonight though. I just had twenty minutes to reflect and it just became a sudden realisation. What I'm going through is real. It's not a 'joke' anymore. It's not something they're looking at as a potential cause. It is the cause. I have a legitimate medical issue and it's finally time to fight lymphoma. All well and good to be talking the talk like I have been - it's now time to walk the walk. This sits well with me. If I give somebody my word, I do whatever I can to get it achieved. Unfortunately for the lymphoma throughout my body I've given it my word and it's time to fight it. Round one begins tomorrow morning.

I leave tonight feeling a whole lot better than I did when I started tonight's post. I didn't learn from my words earlier as Coldplay live from Argentina is still playing however I'm in a much more comfortable mind space.

My best friend of a lazy 20 years, Dylan visited tonight with his partner, Jacqui. One phrase popped up more than most and they made me aware it was a common phrase coming out of my mouth.

"It is what it is."

I can't control what's happened to me as "it is what it is." What I can control from here though is how I fight lymphoma. Thanks for the visit tonight guys, I appreciated the two hours spent here in what's been an incredibly tough afternoon.

Much love.

Juzz xx

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